#nonetheless I am aware this is also a common experience with poc

[repurposedmeatlocker]

Very little people talk about the odd experience of having parents or one parent from a particular country/culture, but you grew up largely disconnected from it.

Like, on one hand, it is a part of you. You might even have the opportunity to visit said country occasionally and see extended family. But on the other hand, your communication is limited because you understand the language only a little bit or not at all. Usual cultural norms you know you should share, you can not connect to. A part of you can't help feeling guilty as if you have purposely allowed something to become lost (even though this isn't actually the case).

[graces-of-luck]

What is my aro latinidad (Carnival of Aros, March 2021)

I’m hosting Carnival of Aros this month (call for submissions can be found here) with the theme of intersectionality and inclusivity, and I figured I’d write a bit about my thoughts and experiences related to this. 

There is no denying that the aromantic community is marginalized. We are small, often not acknowledged or recognized, pushed aside…This feeling is something I recognize as an experience of another aspect of my identity. A lot of people experience this multiple marginalization. Our different identities intersect and mingle and can sometimes create complicated, messy, entangled stories of ourselves. To compartmentalize these is to deny ourselves the expression of our whole selves. This is why I find intersectionality so important. 

It makes sense that the aromantic community focuses on aromanticism. But we cannot deny that there can be many different ways to experience aromanticism. We engage in community and activism for several reasons: finding connection, having a place to be ourselves, increasing visibility, creating resources, and so forth. But I think an important reason for activism is to liberate ourselves. But we cannot liberate ourselves if we don’t include those who are marginalized for other reasons. It’s all of us or none of us. We may one day be able to “expand” the system to include us aromantics, but if we neglect those of us who are marginalized in other ways, it will be a false and tenuous freedom. It will become “alright, you’re allowed to be aromantic and we accept you, but only within this boundary.” This is the problem that I see with mainstream LGBTQ+ respectability politics. We complain about how “love is love” leaves us out… but we may be doing the same to our fellow aros if we don’t take diversity and intersectionality into account in our own community.

As I learn more about myself, the more realize how many times over I am a minority. But I will focus on one aspect of myself that I think receives little attention in the aromantic community. I am Latine. Specifically, I am a Latine immigrant, which influences how I experience my latinidad (and whether I am allowed to experience and express it).

Latine culture can have a rather strict view on marriage and children (especially in more conservative/religious populations). Getting married and having children is just something you do. It’s a duty. Depending on how strict it is, romance and attraction can be considered secondary (although I do see that changing). In a way, there is no romantic (or sexual) orientation because it doesn’t matter. Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Pan? Aro? Doesn’t matter, you still get married to someone of the “opposite” sex and have children. You might be queer, but it’s not something you do or act on. When I was a minor, dating was strictly prohibited in my household. The parents of my Latine peers were also often rather strict about dating, especially with girls. After I became an adult, my parents started pressuring me into dating but with the express purpose of getting married, not necessarily for “finding the love of my life” or for the purpose of romance. Saying things like “I’m not interested in dating or in romantic relationships” were often met with looks of “alright, and…?” Saying “I don’t want to get married and have kids” is what caught their attention.

I grew up with my parents telling me that family is the most important thing because you can’t rely on friends. “When you get older, your husband is going to be the only person you trust, and you can’t ever let friends interfere in that.” Now, an important detail. We are religious cult survivors. So it’s difficult for me to disentangle how much of this is due to distrust from trauma and being programmed (cults often program you to be insular and cut others out) and how much of it is due to amatonormativity and the cultural view on marriage. We are also immigrants, and marriage is often seen as a necessary (financial) safety net, so that could be a factor there too.

With all this, I find it difficult to come out to my family, not only because of potential backlash, but because… how do I even explain to them what a romantic orientation is? They’re aware that there are gay people, for instance, but to them that’s not an orientation. They would have to understand that 1) it is possible to be something other than straight, 2) it’s not a “lifestyle choice”, and 3) not being straight is not a consequence of trauma or abuse or mental illness. So I find often that coming out guidelines don’t really work for me because of this. Coming out as aromantic is already difficult because explaining aromanticism can be an ordeal in and of itself. In my case, I would have to start from the very beginning. Not to mention that the process and expectations of coming out are in some ways dominated by Whiteness.

One thing that was complicated in my aromantic journey is the differences in intimacy in Latine culture and in American culture, where I primarily grew up. For example, physical intimacy and affection are much more common and prevalent amongst family members and friends in Latine culture. In America, this is often reserved for romantic relationships. I am a physically affectionate person. Living in the US, you can guess the issues this brought. There has been growing acceptance of physical affection in friendship in American society, but it is frustrating to see how physical affection and other forms of intimacy are often considered romantic. This occurs even in the aromantic community sometimes, although much less so and I would say there is much more understanding that various forms of intimacy can occur in friendship. But it is sometimes odd for me when something I’d consider typical intimacy in friendship, such as physical intimacy, gets potentially labeled as sensual attraction. It would be great to see discussions on intimacy and relationships across cultures.

Also, as is in many areas, Latines and Hispanics tend to be left out or thrown in later as an afterthought. There is increasing recognition for the need of diversity in terms of racial and ethnic groups. Latines don’t always fit in neatly with PoC, so I wonder, where do I fit in? That same question arises when I see “aros of color” or “aro poc”… I’m a mix of things, but I am whitepassing (and therefore have White privilege). Let’s not forget the colonial and anti-Indigenous prejudices that have completely divorced me of my Indigenous heritage (greatly self-inflicted in my family). So I’m unsure if I can claim the aro of color label. But I also don’t completely fit into the typical White mold of the US or Western Europe, which are often considered the symbols of Whiteness. Nonetheless, because of living in the US and now Western Europe, their ideas of intimacy, relationships, and romance have been inflicted upon me as well. There is this feeling that aromantic community is largely White (at least the part of it that has garnered most attention), so the development of my aromantic identity has been shaped by this Whiteness. And it’s been a process for me to discover what a Latine version of my aromanticism would be. I don’t know yet what that is, to be honest. Latine culture can be diverse, and my version of latinidad is also complicated by the fact that I am a lifelong immigrant. Too American for Latin America, too Latine for America (funnily enough, my Latine identity is basically non-existent in Europe, I’m often just seen as American). Still, I would like to see more stories from Latine aros. I want to hear about what aromanticism means to Latines and how other Latines navigate coming out in their families. It seems that maybe there aren’t many Latine aros out there, but having more representation, while just a first step, would be so meaningful.

[thebookbandwagon]

Captive Prince trilogy review

Summary:

M/M adult high fantasy trilogy with a Gryffindor/Slytherin romance

politics

characters you go from despising to loving, and vice-versa

feels like a well-written fanfiction in terms of some of the tropes used i.e. enemies to friends to lovers, slow burn, lost princes, slavery

all the content warnings (well, okay, not all of them but I’ve put the appropriate ones under the cut)

elegant but concise writing style that reads very quickly

relatively short books in a trilogy (around 300 pages each or less)

Video review and illustration here [x].

The Captive Prince series by C.S. Pacat is a hybrid of a romance and a fast-paced political fantasy, set in a world where the societies feel inspired by Ancient Rome and Ancient France. The conflict begins with Damon, a prince in hiding, being ‘gifted’ to Prince Laurent of Vere for use as a pleasure slave. Laurent has no interest in using Damon in such a way, but they despise each other nonetheless.

I’m not a romance reader, but it turns out I’m definitely able to make some exceptions. This series absolutely being one of them. 

This trilogy has brought about a bit of controversy because of some of the heavier plot elements that are featured most strongly in the first book and because one of the main characters is a PoC forced into slavery. It’s definitely not a story for the lighthearted and there’s a reason why the back covers state ‘MATURE’ in bold letters on them. There is torture. Violence. Explicit sex scenes. Rape is common in Vere, the main location of the first book. There are scenes involving consensual, non-consensual, and dubiously consensual sex. There is a side-character who is a paedophile. If you're not okay with reading through those things then this series is not for you, but readers should be aware that the more extreme graphic elements definitely lessen in later books in the series.

During the first book of the series, Laurent, the Prince of Vere, viciously hates Damon, our main protagonist, who then hates him in return. Laurent is cruel. He is arrogant. He punishes Damon when he sees fit. But it turns out that Laurent… does actually have a very good reason to hate Damon so much. Where Laurent is calculating and cunning and cold, Damon is brave and bold and brash. Despite the expectation of Damon being a pleasure slave, Laurent is not interested in using him in this way (or anyone else), but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t make Damon’s life miserable. The first book tells the story of Laurent and Damon going from antagonising each other to slowly coming to more a mutual understanding and maybe even beginning to have a little bit of respect for each other’s skills; Laurent the master of political schemes and subtle manipulation and Damon the fighter and battle strategist.

The second book in the series follows Damon and Laurent as they travel across the country with an army they need to train. They have many enemies and the odds are stacked against them but Laurent’s clever political manoeuvring and Damon’s experience with handling himself and others on the battlefield may help them pull through. Arguably the most fun book in the series, we get much more an adventure vibe with elements of humour and this is the book where Damon and Laurent’s relationship alters the most drastically as they start to learn that maybe the other person isn’t quite so bad. They are no longer enemies and are progressing from allies to friends, with wonderfully believable pacing and interactions between them that are engrossing and fascinating and touching all at the same time.

The third book continues from the aftermath at the end of Prince’s Gambit and has a plot centred around Damon and Laurent fighting for their lives and freedom and it has ramifications for both of their countries. Interwoven throughout are a combination of emotional scenes, action scenes, touching scenes, and, yes, smutty scenes.

The prose in C.S. Pacat’s writing is fantastic. It hooked me completely within the first chapter and it reads very very quickly, while still retaining some of that classic feel and elegance from fantasy inspired by history. Her writing is primarily focused on the characters rather than the world, and the characters are fantastically vivid. Their voices feel very distinctive and their personalities – Laurent, particularly – are wonderfully complex. Expect your opinions on certain characters to radically change the more you read.

There aren’t many flaws, but the flaws I can pick out are as follows: it often felt like Laurent couldn’t be mentioned without a description of his blue eyes or blond hair, which could just be because this is written from Damon’s perspective and he definitely has A Type™, but it was still excessive. Even though I definitely prefer the writing to be character-focused rather than plot or setting focused, I still would’ve preferred a little more description in places. We get a nice feeling for the difference between the societies Laurent and Damon are from, but little feeling for the rest of the world or what things that aren’t people look like or the history beyond the war that separated Vere and Akielos.

This series reads as quickly as contemporary romance often does, which I found to be a wonderful change of pace compared to what I am used to. I was able to read each book in less than 48 hours. I intended to reach each book while taking breaks to read other books in between but I was too far pulled in to stop reading. The only slight disadvantage to that is that I was reading so quickly because I just had to know what was going to happen that some of the finer details of the plot and politics I ended up glossing over. I’m definitely going to have to reread this series and make sure I do it slower next time so I can judge the political aspect of the plot better. The speed also meant that the final instalment felt like it could’ve done with being a bit longer, since there were still a couple of plot threads that didn’t feel 100% tied up and we didn’t get to see much of the aftermath of the climax of the plot. Saying that, I still found the ending to be extremely satisfying, but for me, these things would have only added to how satisfying the series was.

I am giving the series 4.5/5 stars. The strong character work and the believability of Laurent and Damon’s relationship and how it develops really made this series. If this author writes in the adult genre again, I’ll definitely be picking up their future works. My rating may change a little with a reread when I’m able to take it all in slower, and it may go up or down. But most likely up.