#none of it ties directly into trauma for me

[lazaruspiss]

ive heard of people using their shitty dads as inspiration for writing shitty guys, but my shitty dad just isnt interesting enough for that. less of a villian and more just an emotionally stunted catholic.

[newtthetranswriter]

bnha (anyone, pref someone from the Bakusquad) x reader soulmate au, with the reader who tries to ignore the bond without outright rejecting it because they're scared due to past trauma

Word Count: 1519

Paring: Kirishima x reader

Warnings: none that I know of

A/n: Hello, thank you for the request. I absolutely love writing soulmate aus so thank you for giving me the chance to writ another. I went with Kirishima because I haven't really done much for him. I hope I was able to accomplish what you were hoping for. Any ways, enjoy and as always remember to hydrate or diedrate

   The string had been there as long as I could remember. Looking at it reminded me that somewhere there was someone who was perfect for me. That somewhere in this hellish world my soulmate is waiting for me. And while I would love to embrace the fact that I have a soulmate waiting for me, I can’t. After watching two people fall in love thinking they were soulmates, only to meet their real soulmates ten years later, I was afraid.

    Sure the red string was not a soul bond that could have misinterpretations like the tattoos or first words some people are stuck with, but I couldn’t help but worry. It does a number on a person to be abandoned because their parents found their real soulmates and didn’t want to bring the memory of their mistake into their new lives. So I decided it would be best if I never found my soulmate. I would never go out of my way to find the person tied to me by fate.

    Well that was the plan anyways. Never search for the person and if they get close enough to see that we are connected, turn the other way. I wasn’t rejecting the bond but I was not going to acknowledge it. Having seen the pain it caused my parents to reject their bonds before they gave in told me that the only option was to ignore it like it didn’t exist. But again that was the plan before I got into the U.A.’s hero course.

    The first day of school showed me just how hard it was going to be to ignore the bond. After all, the red string led directly to the red haired hero in training that sat only a few seats away. Even knowing that he could see where the string led and his numerous attempts on the first day to talk to me, I did my best to avoid him. Whenever the boy with the sharp toothed smile would approach, I would go the other way or start a conversation with someone else in the class.

   After a few weeks of successfully avoiding Kirishima, it seemed he understood that I didn’t want to acknowledge the bond. And so I let my guard down. I began to relax when he was around, I wouldn’t immediately leave the area when he walked in. Hell, I even started having conversations with him. But even with my guard down, I refused to say anything about our bond.

   It wasn’t until we had the summer training camp that someone started to ask me questions about my soulmate bond. We were sitting around one of the tables having just finished making dinner when Mina decided to start asking questions.

   “So Y/n, you’ve never told us about your soul bond.” The pink girl said, not being subtle about where she wanted to take the conversation. “We’ve all talked about ours, so what’s yours? Have you met them yet?” She interrogated me.

   I involuntarily looked at the string on my finger, sure only me and my soulmate could see it but at this moment it felt like it was a flashing sign that all could see. “The red string, and no I haven’t found them yet.” I answered, fully aware of the lie and the pair of red eyes burning into the side of my head.

   There was a course of giggles from the girls around me before Mina spoke again. “Wait, isn't Kirishima’s bond also the red string? Could he be your soulmate?” Of course she would know, they had known each other before they came to U.A. 

   Taking a quick glance at the red head, I shook my head. “No, it’s probably just a coincidence.” I said hoping she would drop the subject. Luckily it seemed she accepted that answer, turning the conversation towards Jiro. Being thankful for not having to lie more I sighed, but I couldn’t brush off the wave of sadness that washed over me.

    Soulmates were brought up once again once we moved into the dorms at U.A. It was a few days before classes and it was now apparently Kaminari’s turn to talk about the class’s bonds. “Is it true that you and Kirishima really have the same bond but aren’t soulmates?” The electric boy asked as we sat in the common area. 

    I have no idea how we got to this topic from what pokemon we think each of our classmates would be, but I knew there was likely no chance of changing the subject. But before I could respond with the same thing I had told Mina, another voice cut me off. “I highly doubt that’s likely. The red string is one of the rarest bonds, so one of you is lying about your bond or you are soulmates and refuse to say it.” Bakugo said, shooting a glare in my direction from where he sat on one of the many couches.

   “Or we really do have the same bond and we aren’t soulmates and this is just a crazy rare instance.” I said, hoping he would drop it. 

   “Yeah right, keep telling yourself that. But the longer you ignore it, the more it’s going to hurt you.” He said with a scoff.

   The way he said that told me all I needed to know, Kirishima had told him that we were soulmates, and that I was ignoring it. “Why would you care, Bakugo? It’s not like you accepted your soulmate right away.” I said, having heard about how long it took for Bakugo to accept that he and Deku were soulmates. “Don’t tell me how to deal with my soulmate problems when it took you years to deal with yours.” Before anyone could say anything else, I stormed out of the room, bumping into Kirishima on the way.

   “What just happened?” I could hear the redhead ask as the doors to the elevator closed behind me.

   Knowing that I would probably have to face the aftermath of my outburst, I sat in my dorm waiting for whoever knocked on the door. And just as I expected while watching the door, the red string slowly pulled tight, indicating my soulmate was closer now. Opening the door, I was greeted by Kirishima giving me a sad smile. “We should probably talk about everything.” He said.

  “You’re probably right, I suppose I can’t avoid this forever.” I motioned for him to enter the room. Sitting on the bed, I watched as he sat at my desk. The room filled with an awkward silence as we thought of what needed to be said. After what felt like hours, I spoke first. “I’m sorry.”

   Hearing the words, Kirishima looked at me stunned. “For what? You haven’t done anything wrong, if anything it’s my fault for telling Bakugo instead of trying to have a conversation with you.” He said, trying to take the blame for himself.

   I shook my head. “I’m not talking about the Bakugo thing, I meant what I said there. I mean I’m sorry you are stuck with me as a soulmate. I’m sorry you have to deal with someone so scared of being hurt, that they would ignore their connection to try and protect themself.” I said, fighting back tears towards the end.

   The silence that followed was heavy as Kirishima processed what I had said. “I do not hold any of that against you. I may not know the details on why you avoided me, but I know you probably had a good reason. You never outright rejected me, instead you just ignored the bond. At some points it hurt that you didn’t acknowledge that I was here, but knowing that you didn’t reject the bond gave me hope that someday you would come around.” He explained. “I’m not asking for you to accept me right now and I’m not expecting for us to rush into anything. I would just ask that you allow me to be there for you and help you through whatever is holding you back.” He finished, moving to sit next to me on my bed.

   Knowing he was being honest with me caused the tears I was holding back to fall. “Thank you, and again I’m sorry I caused you any kind of pain. I can’t promise that I will ever be ready to be  anything more than friends but I’d be okay with getting closer.” I told him, looking in his direction with a sad smile.

   “That’s all I ask.” He responded, placing a hand on my cheek wiping away a tear that fell. “We will go at whatever pace you are comfortable. And if you wish to just be friends for the rest of our lives, who would I be to deny my soulmate’s wishes.” His sad smile shifted to his normal bright and happy one. At that moment I knew that no matter what happened, Kirishima would be there for me. His smile washed away my fears and slowly began to crack the walls I had put up around my heart.

[joltai-showa]

fic notes, From Queen to a Pawn, chapter 8 edition!

I dunno where did the entire day go lmao, I swear to god I blinked and it was already middle of the night, but I did went to check out a major research innovation laboratories cluster which was pretty fun, really fascinating what is being developed for prosthetics field. Couldn't join the work dinner with the others cuz I wanted to decorate my flat for New Year + had to cook some stuff before it all went bad, which is where my evening magically vanished lol. The tree did come out pretty cute, so I'm pretty satisfied.

Anyway, yapping about life stuff is over, let's get back to your guys' favorite yapping topic: Obito's suffering😘

(yes that's what he looks like in "Eclipse" ahaha)

- chapter's title: obviously, "Eclipse" refers to a natural phenomena that occurs whenever the moon blocks the sun's light from the Earth's point of view by being directly in the way between the sun and the planet

- and by this point I think it should be pretty obvious that this chapter is explicitly tied to the name of the entire series: "Body and Soul, Sun and Moon"

- I have seen certain interpretations of this title as Deidara being the Sun and Obito being the Moon, however, as you might have guessed, this is incorrect. "Body and Soul" is the part that refers to Obito. Maybe one day I'll write down exactly why is that in greater detail, but for now the only thing that is important is: Obito's trauma regarding losing half of his body, looking like a chewtoy for a bobcat, the reality being hell, him physically being stuck in it, while what he really wants and dreams of is the illusion. I don't think that I currently do a very good job of working the with whole "Soul" thing at this point in the series, mostly because "Mind" is more appropriate rn. Oh well

- but back to "Sun and Moon": yes, Deidara is indeed the Sun in the title, but the Moon refers to none other than Rin. No matter how passionately I hate canonic Obirin, one can not attempt to write Obito inside the canon universe without his love/obsession with Rin

- Kishimoto really managed to outdo himself with these two, because not only is Rin not a character (a cardboard cutout has a more consistent character traits than whatever the fuck she is), but also managed to make Obito both a terrible human being and a character. And these are two different things on Kishimoto's part: obviously, being the leader of Akatsuki and the mastermind behind like 80% of the shit going down in modern Naruto history, adult Obito that we meet in the story is an abhorrent man that is directly and indirectly responsible for countless horrific crimes and no amount of flashbacks to "uwu cutie patootie boi who dreamet of bekoming a hOkAgi❤️❤️❤️❤️" can ever excuse and explain that piece of dogshit that was supposed to be his "redemption arc". Seriously, the only thing that this man makes me feel in canon whenever I see him getting fucked over during the finale of Fourth Shinobi World War is "awww, you're having a bad day?🥺 I hope it gets worse!😊🙏 I hope you'll suffer far more than all of your victims combined🥳🥳"

- but that obviously only touches on Obito as a man, not as a character, and, surprisingly, even after giving him a full-blown flashback stretch of several chapters, him being the main villain for the series for like 250 (?) chapters out of the total 700 and getting "redemption arc"... Kishimoto still did not manage to produce anything coherent or even decent. I still wanna write down an extensive post regarding all of the issues canon Obito has, but for now I'll just say that he as a character is just terrible, mostly because his motivations are so fucking bad. Kishimoto didn't want to bother giving him anything beyond "I feel nothing"/"World is hell" + he literally phisycally couldn't as anything darker than the Rin death scene massacre would raise serious questions from the readers about why THE FUCK is this guy of all assholes is getting such a lazy "redemption arc", so at the end of the day Obito's motivations fall onto 2848927484 phrases on the level of iam14andthisisdeep about the state of the world and his love for a character whose defining feature in the plot is being Obito's love intrest🙂awesome stuff Kishi

- anyway, as I've mentioned here and there, as far as BSSM au is concerned, I will be changing both Obito's and Rin's characters. With Obito it's kinda already there and just me doing what I believe to be realistic about a man as bitter and traumatised as him. Also getting rid of the whole "I feel nothing" thing, because this is just Kishi's lazy writing to not deal with any of the things concerning Obito's relations with other people from that 17 YEARS LONG PERIOD OF HIS LIFE, so he's just gonna be yapping about feeling nothing, which is exactly what he wants to be (of his own volition + what Madara and Zetsus want of him). Rin being dead is a bit harder to show (LMAO), but I have some stuff in mind to give some meat to the skeleton of this character, so to speak.

- Rin and Girldara are two of Obito's crushes and, in a sense, roads with different outcomes. In the beginning (which is where we are now) they are also desires of Obito's soul and Obito's body respectively. I'm planning on having him excuse his attraction to his Akatsuki partner as "it's just physical urges, it doesn't matter, she's just something from this world, all of this belongs to this world, and it'll all be gone when the ideal world comes"

- Rin, in my opinion, has a lot of imagery assosiated with the moon as far as canon concerned. Not only does she die under the full moon, she is also Obito's ultimate goal at the end of this wonderful thing called "Eye of the Moon". I believe that even the 14 opening (Tsuki no Ookisa) of Shippuden directly shows her dead body's connection to the full moon. So, making her the "Moon" in the title was pretty obvious move.

- Deidara, on the other hand, is just a little sun bunny😙that's simply off the way she looks: lively, loud, hair bright as sunlight (regardless of the horrors of her past and current life💀). I wasn't planning on getting rid of the whole Rin thing, so it was pretty natural to kind of put them on the opposite sides as Sun and Moon

- also I find it incredibly funny that the name of the organization that both Deidara and Obito belong to is the... "Dawn" (yes, that's the translation of "Akatsuki" as it is written in the manga. The sounds in the word can be separated into "Aka Tsuki" which means "Red Moon", but this is moreso a coincidence and a pun on Kishimoto's part). Which is. You know. When the time rolls over from the night with the moon and onto the day with the sun😁

- anyway ENOUGH YAPPING ABOUT THE TITLE GODDAMMIT. and yes "Eclipse" refers to that scene when Obito starts seeing Rin as he holds passed out Deidara, as the Moon kind of got in the way of the Sun

- "Gritting his teeth tighter, Obito repeatedly attempts to locate Zetsu, no doubt in his mind regarding the thing's intentions."

The entire first half (?) of the chapter Obito is trying to find Zetsu spying on them... and Zetsu isn't even present😁😁😁😁 Yes, as the omnipotent entity of the writer as I am, I confirm right now that no cacti or weird shadows of a miserable Uchiha man followed our livebirds in this chapter. Obito's paranoia regarding that will be adressed in later chapters, maybe even in the next one, but he is playing a carefully for no one, because Zetsu isn't there and Deidara has bigger issues on her mind

- that doesn't mean that Zetsus didn't have a plan in motion for these events🤭it's just that they didn't need to be present and risk being discovered to get a confirmation of their suspictions😁😁😁😁again, stuff for later chapters

- oh and one last thing about Zetsu before we continue with the chapter: I've already been dropping mentions of Deidara's left arm festering back in chapters 6 and 7

from "Dead or a lie":

from "Unexpected discoveries":

now as for whether Zetsu knew that it wasn't Deidara's severed right arm on the ground that was rotting, but rather her left elbow is an open-ended question😁

- and yeah regarding her wounds: in the manga Deidara kind of immediately loses everything below his upper arm, meaning no hand and elbow

(chapter 249)

I slightly changed her wounds in the fic to accomodate the... necessity for something to get amputated🙂 so in FQTP Deidara loses only her hand, the elbow rots away due to infection, and in the end she ends up with the same scars as her canon counterpart, meaning Kakuzu's threads going midway through her upper arm

- and yeah Kishi you wanna explain why the fuck Deidara just doesn't fucking die in the beginning of Shippuden? jesus fucking christ, got his arm crushed by Gaara's sand (pretty sure not sterile), whatever the fuck remained was hanging there with the remains of the cloak (surely not sterile), then he yoinks Gaara from the village, walks on foot from Suna to the hideout in another fucking country (????WHY WON'T YOU FLY DUMBASS), seals Shukaku for THREE FUCKING DAYS before yoinking Gaara again and fighting Konoha, but now with NO ARMS at all. A ninjutsu specialist and a ranged fighter btw. And then he goes on a stroll around the forest looking for his arm. WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH YOU???? CAN YOU CHILL FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS???? OMFG DUDE'LL HAVE A NUKE DROPPED ON HIS HEAD AND SURVIVE AT THIS POINT

- ahem. so. yeah. Deidara almost dying from infection? my attempt at trying to tone down that black air force energy that Kishi created for this character in the Kazekage Rescue arc, because some things are simply too absurd

- I posted about this on here about certain research I was conducting for this chapter and yeah that was about Deidara's condition. What has happened to her left arm is commonly known as wet gangrene and myiasis (that's the scientific name for getting maggots😘😘😘😘😘). Surprisingly there's actually maggot therapy for different gangrenic wounds because the larva of certain species of flies will actually eat only the dead tissue, leaving the living tissue unaffected. That still involves putting maggots in your wounds though

- really don't recommend googling either of these conditions unless you want to see people with blackened parts of bodies and tiny white insect larvae inside someone's wound🙂

- anyway the gangrene stuff has been planned in advance, but I was not sure about the maggot part, so I checked and yes, the most common way to get it is to have an open wound in some very hot and humid climate. I'm too lazy to pull the Naruto World map for this post, so you'll need to open the pinned post on this blog if you don't know the general stuff about it, but based of the most extreme climatic points for it (with something like Land of Snow in the north and Land of Wind with its desert in the south), I think it's fair to interpret Naruto world as somewhat Northern Hemisphere situated? if that makes sense. meaning that Land of Rivers being next to Land of Wind is pretty hot and humid (there's literally a long ass river in canon by Akatsuki's hideout + also Deidara sits in some fucking cave for 3 days straight), sooooo... yeah, who would have seen this coming *gasp*

- and one last funny fact about my life: so I posted this chapter on Friday, and following Tuesday I had my regular Chinese classes, and our study group has like an absolutely insane range of girls from different profession, because somehow we've got me the data scientist, a girl who is currently studying back at uni that I just finished, but for something like a business degree, a lawyer girl, a girl working in agriculture and a nuclear engineer of all people, but most importantly a girl who is studying to be a doctor and already works as a nurse (which translates to "she is the same age as me but to get her degree she has to study like another 5 more years"). And as usual midway through the Chinese class we start chatting about normal girl things like SEWING BACK SEVERED LIMBS. And she actually said that the limit for a severed arm to be reattached is just 6 hours, after this it is considered infected and dead

- for reference I believe I've set the time between Deidara and her right arm's departure to be about 24 hours lmao. so realistically she should not be getting this arm back either. but realistically she should have also died from shock back in Suna, so some of the realism is thrown out of the window to accomodate Naruto world's batshit crazy stuff. let's just say her right arm is alright thanks to some weird DNA changes thanks to being an active chakra user and a descendant of a major shinobi clan😁I mean the arm was lying there for just a day, it's not as bad a walking around an open wound for almost a week🙂

- also I was pretty spot on with most of Deidara's symptomps even before finishing the research, except for one thing and that is pain actually going away after the infection kills the nerves in the limb. so in the released chapter she doesn't feel anything in it (and now it's just the rest of her body screaming in pain because low on chakra + got beaten up + didn't eat or drink for days + the whole blood loss thing, so she is practically getting a first row experience into what is it like to have all of your organs shut down), but in the plan that I did for this chapter Deidara actually still felt some pain in her arm, so Tobi asks her to rate her current pain on scale from one to ten and Deidara says something like three. Obito is kind of relieved but still sus of her condition then asks how did it feel to have her arm ripped away and then this dunderhead replies with four or five and Obito just goes

😁fun stuff that didn't make it to the final version

- now onto "hey, that happened before and caused this!" part of the notes: so why the fuck Deidara's condition deteriorates so quickly after an entire day of strolling around and hiding in the bushes from possible ambushes? well, the answer is: the strangulation scene!

- I imagined that she's already pretty low on energy by the time she finds Tobi and Zetsu, but she keeps herself stable by simply conserving her energy at any opportunity. However, certain someone's yapping pissed her off so badly she does a very stupid thing and attacks them. This entire physical exertion moment is what kicks off what follows in this chapter. I believe that I even mentioned that she is struggling to stand up after trying to kill Tobi. so, er, thanks, Obito?

- and now she is simply on a clock before she'll pass out in forest because ain't no way she is making it to Ame in that condition

- another major downwards turn happenes when Deidara starts vomiting and falls over, no longer able to walk: if you notice, she actually just seconds before that rapidly turned around two times, angry that Tobi is trying to stop her from walking to Ame, but accidentally going the wrong way. She was already feeling pretty sick, and this movement is the final nail in the coffin for her poor empty stomach. so, er, thanks, Obito?

- His much wider gait allows him to quickly close the gap between him and the Akatsuki member, however Tobi never allows the distance to fall below some respectable ten or so meters

I actually mention through this walk how the distance changes between the two of them, Obito is thinking about his 927482838 things, while he is actually getting closer and closer to Deidara, first it's 10 meters, then it's 7, then 4, until he catches up to her, but not because Deidara wanted to slow down

- As the branch that Deidara previously avoided hits Obito in the chest and finally breaks in half

just me having fun with their height difference😁Deidara is at best Obito's chin level, so this is a thing that could happen

- I explained it quite a bit in the comments under the chapter, but there's a number of factors going for Obito not realizing what is wrong with Deidara: his paranoia about Zetsu, his dick still wanting some explanation to the events in "Hell", him losing touch with understanding the processes of human body because he has been that isolated from others for years, him assuming Akatsuki members won't die to some wounds and his assumption that Sasori did something about Deidara's left arm

- Besides, even with her current wounds, she has been trained by Iwagakure, so she would have a higher resistance to low-level and medium-level genjutsu

I'm trying to balance here what is known and unknown about Deidara's past, and I think it should be a common knowledge that Iwagakure has some special training in place against genjutsu (considering how broken they are), and Deidara, being Tsuchikage's student, would have to go through it, if not something tougher🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

- "Stop being so fucking daft and turn away already!" Deidara switches between passive irritation and angry outburst as quickly as her artworks go up in smoke."

So, in regards to Deidara's current mood: she is pissed at Tobi for watching her at her weakest. Like, wanna murder and bury your body right here pissed, but doesn't have enough strength to do it for the fear it'll make her feel worse. As far as Iwa's modern (I guess Mu and Onoki originated?) philosophy is that weakness is unacceptable under any circumstances. Showing weakness is crushing your pride, showing weakness is showing your worthlessness, and this cult of pride is being instilled in shinobi kids since young age. Not that people in Iwa don't naturally think very high of themselves

- "Obito's ears certainly felt hot even before Deidara started to sigh and cough while she continued to satisfy her urge somewhere at his hand level."

And another thing that I made a point to include in the first half of the chapter that goes away in the second with Deidara's quick descent into the afterlife - Obito's paranoia about Zetsu watching him and Obito's horny at the smallest things involving her, such as her drinking water. After our babygirl throws up, Obito doesn't think of the double trouble again for the remainder of this chapter.

Not only that, but Obito actually gets to undress and touch her body which would have awakened a rabid wild hog in him previously. I've actually changed Deidara's clothing a bit in the fic (all the way back in LTFG)

☝️exhibit of Deidara's clothing underneath Akatsuki cloak

to be completely honest I kind of disliked his top half of the design for years at this point. The color of the top is omega ugly and doesn't look good on him, and while practically everyone wears some mesh thingy in the manga, I can not concieve a practical reason for that. Either that's just pretty clothing (which is... why would an Akatsuki member wear something that doesn't help in combat?) or it's supposed to be some sort of body armor, but a) doesn't look to be that sturdy + Deidara rips it off his chest with ease b) it would just add weight to a ranged fighter who would, you know, rather avoid an attack on the vital organs rather than get hit and try to protect him with something.

So Girldara actually wears just a simple black top on her upper torso, no mesh or anything. Here's a photo of how I approximately imagine it looks:

Simple, doesn't restrain movement, comfy, all of which would have been pretty important for a nukenin like her. The cloaks, I think, would be enough to protect against the weather and temperature, so there's no need for her to dress anything beyond the pants, her belt bags and a top.

(and if you are wondering if she wears bra beneath it, well... I would say that no?🤣 ahahhahahaha. It would kind of get in the way and she isn't "endowed" enough to have to wear one to support her back🤣 but let's allow Obito to discover this fun little fact)

- "The eyelashes on her only visible eye shake as she gazes at Tobi in a stupor-like state, he is not even sure if she understands who he is at the moment."

an unexpected complaint, yeah, but I keep forgetting that Deidara's left eye is covered with a scope, so Obito can't actually see her eyes plural. I do remember that Obito has only one eye, but Google docs keep trying to fix both Deidara's eye and Obito's eye to plural🙄🙄🙄

also I often forget which side of Zetsu is which. Because Obito's left eye is gone, while Deidara's left one is covered by hair/scope, I constantly think that Black is the left half, when in reality it's the opposite💀💀💀💀

- "But Tobi thinks it looks okay! For a... well... limited edition limb. Sorry! Tobi's sorry! Please don't hit me, I'm just saying whatever comes to my mind!" Deidara simply makes an irritated grunt in reply, keeping her eyes closed."

If you haven't noticed, throught the entire "examination" Deidara keeps her eyes closed. She is trying to get back to her senses. But in the process she stops expecting seeing Tobi prancing around her, so when she does open her eyes, it's hard for her to focus and see things around her, her vision is getting blurry, and because she can't see clearly (and well whatever is on her mind) she freaks out

- a mild spoiler but what causes her to freak out is the color of Obito's mask. Certain someone from her past used to wear something orange and that set her off.

- I actually got around to designing this someone and I think I did a pretty good job getting them from my mind out onto the 3D model! Obviously, not showing it right now, but just keeping updated that some characters are already in the process of being developed

- okay but something actually drove me fucking nuts with the whole examination scene. so I finish writing Obito looking over her right arm, deciding that it looks okay enough and choosing to put something around it to prevent her from bleeding out later and kind of decreasing the necessity of her keeping up the chakra blocks, right? so I go open the dictionary for the word describing that thing to put around her arm and what I find is

tourniquet????

this feels like a fake word. like somebody made it up and placed it in the dictionary for funsies. why the fuck is it like that?

so I send it to my friends and ask them if it actually exist and describes the thing that I am trying to explain and they collectively reply that yeah, that's the word, sounds super fake, doesn't it?

anyway the executive decision for this chapter was to use the word "strap" because it does sound more sensible and appropriate for the context. yeah, "strap" also refers to a specific... device that a girl would wear with her freaky boyfriend (and I can't say that I haven't entertained such a scenario with Obito's bisexual ass, but anyway). in any case I would rather use the funny word rather than that one, because that feels like French propaganda that I'm not about to fall for.

- "Dumbass... a real shinobi knows how to take pain... with head held high..." Deidara interrupts Tobi's unserious musings with her croaking. "You're... worthless... if you can't handle pain..."

huh I wonder who could have told Deidara that🤭

- "No, sorry, not happening. I've got only one scarf, after all, and you've got a bunch of those cloaks that you guys don't even wanna share with Tobi. And it's Tobi's favorite too!"

This was me just messing around lmao. Tobi's and Obito's sentiments practically never coincide, but in this instance Tobi does say the truth and Obito actually values his ✨scarf✨ like a petty bitch lol

- also I believe that as chapter progresses I've been changing Tobi's speech pattern in "serious" situations, particularly by getting rid of the third person name calling (Tobi thinks/Tobi wants/Tobi can't) which actually sounds more natural in Japanese because it's not uncommon for someone to refer to themselves in third person in certain circumstances. Obito uses only "I" whenever shit starts hitting the fan

- "It was always him assuming that Pain and his people would act reasonably"

If you remember the description of the fic, the main thing around From Queen to a Pawn is Obito finally deciding to leave the shadows and join Akatsuki as their member, Tobi. This moment in particular refers to some of the biggest issues that Obito has ran into during this mission - all of Akatsuki members belonging to a suicide watch and caring only for their personal bullshit, even if that said bullshit will result in them or their fellow Akatsuki members getting killed😁so Obito will set out to watch everyone in the open and correct their movements so that Eye of the Moon doesn't end before even starting

- "Deidara's speech now sounds like an endless mess of slurred noises somewhat resembling human speech. Obito is unsure if it is becoming harder to understand her because of the Iwa accent suddenly returning to her or simply due to her tongue not following her brain's commands anymore."

I am a big fan of the whole "Five Great Shinobi nations actually don't speak the same way" idea. I would definetily say that Iwa, Suna and Kiri certainly should have civilians speaking different languages than the "common" one, which affects their speech a lot, so you can kind of guess where a shinobi is from based on the type and strength of their accent. Obito got rid of his years ago (plus I would say that Konoha's accent is by far the closest one to the "common" language of the continent), because it gets in the way whenever he must impersonate someone, he actually learned how to imitate most shinobi accents on the go. Deidara used to have Iwa one and a pretty strong one at that, but she had spent half of her life away from her homeland, so she practically never shows it. I'd say most of Akatsuki members end up losing their hyper specific accent after a few years, so their speech is pretty close to each other's.

- "I wasn't late, I am not late, I can not be late, she survived, she survived even when all believed her to be a goner, she can't die now, not like this."

One of the main ideas that I had coming into this fic is to parallel Rin's death with Deidara's aftermath of the Kazekage capture mission. Obviously, Obito was too late to arrive to save Rin, and when he goes off to find Deidara, he eventually starts succumbing to despair and assuming her to be dead as well. Obviously, she proves him wrong, and so he gets this childish and hopeful idea that everything is going to be alright, because he was not late this time. Of course, nothing is fine, as Deidara is about to die in the middle of the forest from an untreated gangrene, so Obito gets a choice: to follow Madara's (Deidara is a disposable tool ultimately not really important for the plan) and Tobi's (incompetent idiot that won't be able to do anything for Deidara regardless of how hard he tries) role or to follow what Uchiha Obito set out to do 16 years before the current events and failed at (saving the girl of his interest from a certain death). Well, you know how the rest of the chapter goes, but it is one of the first steps that Obito takes in Deidara's direction😁

- "Hey, hey, hey, Deidara-san, I'm bored. Like, sooooo bored. Can we sing a song? I know one about nine cute ducklings and a scary crow!"

I was writing that particular part during my flight after IELTS, so I couldn't google any real kids' rhythems, thus I simply ended up making up something on the go. The nine cute ducklings are supposed to be the Akatsuki members, while Obito is the scary crow lmao

- "Tobi twirls in place as he jumps onto a clearing with no grass, likely burnt down by a forest fire in the past summer, the earth beneath his feet dry and chunky, as he almost collides with charred tree stump."

The choice for "Obito tweaking the fuck out" scene was to contrast Rin's death scene. Obviously, Deidara finds Zetsu and Tobi in the middle of the day, so she passes out under the sunlight, while Rin died in the middle of the night with full moon present. But besides the whole Sun and Moon thing, I've also decided to contrast "dry" and "wet" qualities of both scenes. Obito is sitting on a burnt down clearing, the earth there is cracked and dry, sun is burning as they are in hot climate, compared to the massacre that Obito commited back then, with everything ending up wet and covered in blood.

- "The edges of his vision are trembling as Obito slowly lowers his face to finally take a look at who (not what, not what, not what) he was holding."

Another thing that I did for this scene - Deidara is no longer referred to by her name, only "she" all the way until, I believe, Obito makes the decision to try and save her with Kamui. This is to amplify that feeling of Obito no longer being able to tell apart who he is holding, because again he is having his wonderful PTSD attack

- "Obito keeps supporting the girl's back with his left arm while he is trying to tighten the makeshift strap above the now bleeding wound."

Again, I was writing this part during the plane ride, so I couldn't check the manga, but later as I was editing the chapter, I realized that I accidentaly did some very funny contrast between this scene and Rin's death.

So, what happens is Obito picks Deidara up with her right side pressed against him, meaning that for the rest of the chapter Obito is holding her back with his left arm, Deidara is supported by his still fully human part of the body

Meanwhile if we compare it to Rin's death

It's actually the opposite

Obito is holding Rin with his right arm, the one that was destroyed and replaced by Madara

:D

- "A few seconds later a strong trembling overtakes her entire body, something moves in her throat and blood begins to leak from her mouth too, painting the left corner of it red."

Also an intended simularity

- "If he glances to the right, he can see silhouettes of newborn trees, their bark shining pearly white in the impenetrable darkness of the night, bearing their first fruits clad in blue-gray uniform and masks, the air heavy and moist from the bloodshed in it. And if he glances to the left, thick forest dances in the bright rays of sun, creating a somber melody for the burnt down clearing, empty and dead and so damn cold."

Again with the whole right and left thing - to Obito's right it's his massacre of the Blood Mist ninja, while on his left what is actually taking place

- "But no matter where he looks, one thing remains the same: a body of a girl in his arms, her face covered in blood, thin streaks of it running down from her mouth, pale and unmoving, but with a bizarrely serene expression on her face, as if at long last she is at absolute peace."

This paragraph can refer to both Rin and Deidara, it's specifically vague like that

- "Where the moon doesn't reflect off of her blood-soaked brown hair.

Where the sun doesn't make her long messy bangs shine like gold against the paleness of her skin."

That's as close to Sun and Moon analogy as I could get lmao

Aaaand that's about it for this chapter? Most of the remaining stuff is self-explanatory in my opinion lmao. Now onto finishing "Obito's no-good terrible bad day"🤭

[panther-os]

I've been thinking a lot lately about alter roles in DID systems (of which we are one) and the Lan clan. It's very interesting to me, because there are three clearly defined protector roles that fit Xichen, Wangji, and Qiren perfectly. And the way they do or don't interact with each other versus the way they could interact with each other instead gives some... rather enlightening insights when approached from a system point of view.

I'll do my best to explain it in terms singlets can understand but a lot of the nuance has to be experienced to be fully grasped. Even among systems, if you don't have these specific kinds of alters, it may be difficult.

Lan Qiren is a persecutor. Persecutors are not bad or evil alters. Every alter is doing what they believe is necessary to keep the system safe. Many persecutors enforce an abuser's rules on the rest of the system with physical or verbal discipline in an attempt to avoid worse punishment. After escaping, they may continue to do so either as a "just in case" the abuser comes back into their life or as a method of retaining stability. Wangji may be Head of Discipline, but Qiren is the one out of the three who lives and breathes the rules, who believes they must be followed or else. Or else what doesn't matter, only protecting people - his Sect, his Clan, his family - from the or else.

Lan Wangji is a prosecutor. This type of protector is rarely spoken about, I've noticed, and it is one that is also often characterized as bad or evil alters. While persecutors enforce judgement on the internal system, prosecutors enforce it on people outside the system. Typically, this is not physical. Instead, it can look like suddenly breaking off contact with a friend or even just firmly and immoveably placing a boundary. Prosecutors can be perceived as angry or uncaring, their role in the system is explicitly to not take bullshit other alters might fall for. Wangji is not conciliatory and he is not interested in betraying his principles, which are so closely tied with his people. We see this most clearly in the scene with Jin Zixun and the alcohol and the fact he faced 33 clan elders to defend Wei Wuxian. Xichen goes along to get along - with Zixun, with the Clans - and tries not to make a scene, Wangji is not interested in compromise and people who do not respect him or the people he cares about can go fuck themselves. He will gladly tell them when, how, and where if they feel inclined to ask.

Lan Xichen is a cheergiver. Cheergivers protect the system by trying to keep everyone - inside and outside - happy, calm, and content. If everyone is happy, calm, and content, then there is no danger. But a cheergiver's way of doing this ignores the actual issues in favor of immediate safety rather than addressing them and working through them. A cheergiver's express role is to avoid conflict, typically through placation or sheer goofiness. A cheergiver faced with a dilemma more suited to a prosecutor - where a boundary needs to be enforced or a negative judgement call needs to be made - may opt to ignore the situation entirely. The cheergiver in our system sometimes reminds me so strongly of our friend who once, when we were tired, overwhelmed, and upset (actually probably actively having sensory overload and/or an autistic shutdown, now that I think about it) got directly in our face and kept telling us to smile and we'd feel better. I also feel it's important to note with this that Xichen's going along to get along is most often done by siding with his uncle, likely because that is the authority figure he grew up with - the one with the most power to hurt and thus the most need to keep happy.

None of these methods of protecting are wrong or bad on their own. They are all deeply rooted in trauma and thus taken to the extreme, but they are understandable and sensible. "We have to follow the rules so we don't get in trouble for breaking the rules", "We shouldn't hang around people who might hurt us", and "Contentment reduces conflict" all make sense. "We have to follow the rules so we don't get in trouble for breaking the rules, so I will punish us instead until outsiders can't find any fault" makes sense, especially after having to clean up Qingheng-jun's scandal, but is not a proportionate response. "We shouldn't hang around people who might hurt us, and everyone can hurt us even if just with their eventual loss so we shouldn't let anyone close at all" makes sense, especially after losing a parent so young, but isn't proportionate either. "Contentment reduces conflict, so I will run myself ragged trying to make sure everyone at least acts content where I can see them and also I will make sure to disagree with as few people as possible because disagreeing with people makes them not content" makes sense, especially as a peacemaker with a career in diplomacy surrounded by strong personalities both at work and at home, but is not proportionate.

They all need therapy.

And when it comes to working together for the good of their family, they may all be trying to protect each other, but - as an example - our system works best when all our protectors - of these three types and others - are communicating with each other. When they are aware of their roles, aware of each other's strengths, and when they have the deep mutual respect to not use their roles against each other.

When Qiren has his now-grown nephews disciplined for failing to keep the rules, when Xichen seems to be trying to keep his uncle and brother from even having differing opinions in the first place, when Wangji decides to out-stubborn them both.... It's not a 1:1 comparison, because these three are not alters in a system and they are not the same person, but there are parallels. Breakdowns in communication and, more importantly, in trust turning valid and reasonable protection methods into something that does more harm than good is one of them.

All three of them have strengths that can become weaknesses in precisely the right - or rather, wrong - circumstances. And it's these strengths and weaknesses that drive their parts of the story forward.

[gingerylangylang1979]

Riddle me this... Why did it hit so different when Sydney came back?

I know what the cast and crew, and many fans, are saying. But none of them has yet explained that ending scene between Carmy and Sydney in E8 if it shouldn’t have a romantic subtext. Fine, if they didn’t intend it to be romantic, then why was it so extra? It’s moments like that that make shippers go, wait a minute, you DIDN’T write/act that to mean anything and feel gaslit?

I’ve talked before about how he halts as she walks in, sunlit and shy, and he just stares dreamily until he gets it together enough to speak. But it isn’t just that (although that’s really enough). When Sydney comes back it hits hard. 

It hits harder than when Marcus comes back. Marcus leaving doesn’t hit as hard. I know we/they all love Marcus, but he isn’t mentioned when he’s gone. Sydney is. Not only is she mentioned by Tina during prep, before that Carmy brings her up when Tina reminds him of her. Carmy finds her notebook. Carmy reaches out to her first. He doesn’t see anything that reminds him of Marcus. He doesn’t reach out to Marcus to apologize first. He doesn’t stroke Marcus’s Pantone book as he has deep thoughts. 

Even when Marcus and Carmy have their alley talk, it’s bonding but it’s way different than his alley talk with Sydney. With Marcus, Carmy just happens to stumble upon him, they share their fails as Carmy has a cig, they have a bro moment, and get back to it. With Sydney, Carmy sought her out, he doesn’t smoke, he brought her food, he came with purpose, to make amends and listen. He sits all the way down to talk with her. He shares more than a professional fail with her, he shares a personal tragedy, and his own trauma, and attempt to heal. 

When Marcus comes back he has a brief moment of forgiveness with Carmy but things swiftly move on. When Sydney comes back it’s A MOMENT. So if there is nothing to them beyond professional, why was it so unique and dramatic when she comes back? She is tied in so deep with the complexity of Mikey’s note and finding the money. She is prominent leading up to one and almost directly after the other. 

Sydney is different. They have shown her to be different. We see her as different. 

So what were we supposed to be interpreting from all of that if not romance? If they didn’t intend that I still don’t get how The Bear peeps think we are crazy for picking that up given what they put down. 

[circular-bircular]

hello! im currently questioning whether I am disordered or not. I was wondering if you would be willing to share your experiences if you're comfortable or maybe share some good resources about what its like being disordered because im really lost rn. this blog is great btw! take care of yourself <3

Hey there! Glad you enjoy my blog, sorry it took a bit to get to this. This is the first night in like a month that I have any free time whatsoever (and that's cause I'm putting off grades, lol...)

I hope you don't mind a bulletpointer on this one!

Disordered experiences...

Firstly, I cannot overstate how fucking everything about me is impacted by trauma. Physical health? I get sick more often because my body has fought as hard as it has to survive -- it's an actual thing that traumatized people get physically sick more often. Mental health? Shit. Depression's comorbid, anxiety is comorbid, and I've even seen discussions about the connections between autism and DID, and those two do not mix well in me. All of my everything is constantly fucked.

I cannot goddamn sleep. Sleep is a goddamn hellscape. I run from somewhere between 2 to 6 hours of sleep most nights, and have to take plenty of naps just to survive. That makes it next to impossible some days to get the energy I need, or if I did get enough nappies, to get the free-time I need.

In terms of my actual DID... Amnesia is the biggest one. I constantly have gaps. I have to write every single thing down. I have plenty of accomodations, sure! But even those fail from time to time, and then it's just a spiral. Like, today at work, I had a surprise meeting I did not write down, because I just forgot to. I forgot about the meeting until 10 minutes prior, when I got an alert in my email about it. This meant I skipped lunch, and had to try and focus without having eaten since 9am. This made my day harder, which led to...

Dissociation!!! God fuck. It's so hard to focus sometimes. I am so spaced out. Today was one of those days where I had to cling to my phone for survival and grounding. Not the healthiest coping mechanism, but it's better to be writing posts on tumblr during class than forgetting I'm in class at all. And none of the kids snitch on me -- just get a little pissy if I don't call on them quickly enough.

Trauma flashbacks. Ough. If I get stuck in one, goodbye ability to think for awhile. It's been happening more and more frequently at work lately, so there goes my 30 minute lunch spent in the bathroom forgetting I exist because I feel like I'm going to my parents house after school.

That ties into paranoia. I have to convince myself more often than not that, when I get home, my abusers won't be there. I'm 26 and haven't directly lived with them in 3 years, and I cut them off close to a year ago. I still wake up thinking they're breaking in.

That's about all I can think off quick, off the top of my head. Basically... owie owie my brain is a big ol bruise.

[yeyinde]

I just wanted to thank you for your most recent post about the MW3 campaign, and the way Samara’s death was handled. The most I knew about Call of Duty before finding your blog was the few times I had played with my little cousin.

I immediately took to the characters through your writing, and have been ever since! As of late I have felt myself growing distanced from these certain stories. While I’m sure some of it has to do with the natural progression of disinterest, a lot of my feelings are due to what is going on as of late.

I was never under the impression that Call of Duty wasn’t blatant military propaganda-you’d have to be completely oblivious to believe otherwise- but I guess it was easier to immerse myself in the story while ignoring any underlying reservations. Which is a privilege in and of itself.

All that unnecessarily being said, (apologies for the rambling) I just wanted to express my appreciation for your acknowledgement of the the current situation. It’s no exaggeration when I say you are one of the most talented writers I know, and more than likely my favorite! So as someone who is directly affected by everything going on, it means a lot to me that you are providing nuance in light of it all.

I do hope this isn’t taken as a call for the discontinuity of your writing for Call of Duty characters either, as it has brought me immense joy in the past year! I just wanted to share my own thoughts and feelings on the candid statement you posted.

You've given me a lot to think about, and none of what you said was unnecessary in any way—I think you touched on a lot of important aspects, particularly the privilege of “consumption without consequences."

It’s easy to get swept up into something when you have no tangible ties to the effects of what’s being portrayed, which can lead to making dismissive or hurtful statements out of pure ignorance. My biggest gripe was the excuses being laundered out and (either unintentionally or intentionally) giving the creators a pass for what they created and the harm they caused other people to experience. Just because they did not experience the same trauma, it does not diminish its impact on others. This is a very important distinction, which I think was being missed.

(I also think it's a bit of an attachment issue, and I could probably write an essay on why criticism of media you enjoy is not a lambasting of your personal character (and why you should be able to separate the two), but this was already getting quite lengthy so 😅)

Also, I don't think I added much to the discussion outside of airing out something that was annoying me, though. All the credit goes to @halfmoth-halfman for bringing attention to an important issue which was being glossed over. And for continuing to bring up these valid issues and criticisms when the norm seems to be "well, we'll just erase it from canon. No biggie."

But thank you for this! It really means a lot to me, and I'm so happy that the stories I wrote about brought some form of comfort. It's genuinely the biggest compliment ever.

[violentviolette]

Do you experience shame? I ask because I believe I have ASPD, and I genuinely. Do not experience shame. I can feel disgust at ineptitudes, and frustrated with failure, but I cant bring to mind a time that I've felt shame like other people display it. I'm just curious if that's related, and to what extent or how.

Thank! :)

this is gonna be one of those things thats both highly subjective and highly dependant on how ur defining "shame" and what ur ascribing it to definitions for emotions are very subjective and fairly personal/situational. some peoples definition of shame is closer to embarassment while others is closer to remorse. for some people shame is an inward emotion that makes them feel bad about themselves while for others its an outward emotion that makes them lash out at the thing at the epicenter of the emotion without ever considering themselves.

shame is also a very outward kind of self aware emotion, in that u need a certain level of ability to look at and conceptualize urself from the outside/others pov in order to feel it, so depending on how self aware u are, a lot of people dont think they experience shame because it never actually occurs to them to view themselves from that outward perspective, or because they devalue all outside perspective and deem it beneath them to consider it in order to avoid engaging with it compltely because its uncomfortable and upsetting

none of this is really tied to aspd directly per se, but it is more likely for ppl with cluster b pds and cptsd/complex trauma and therfore fairly common. it's more like, the more disordered ur thinking, the more self focused and divorced from others reality u are, the less likely ur going to be to experience emotions like shame, remorse, embarassment, ect. that require that outward self awareness. for trauma disorders like cluster b ones ur also more likely to be reactionarily defensive, which means that when confronted with an uncomfortable emotion, we project it outward and seperate it from ourselves in order to protect ourselves from feeling bad. so in places where a healthy person would feel shame, we feel disgust and anger that we then project onto others rather than ourselves. a lot of "why should i feel bad? its THEM that should feel bad. they're the ones doing something wrong, not me" kind of thinking

none of that is permanent/inherent or like rooted in aspd exclusively because it happens for lots of different disorders and traumas, so its very common depending on how deep in ur trauma or as i like to call it, how lost in the sauce u are. when i was younger and more self focused and less in touch with my emotions, and also when my mania is flaring and im therefore very delusional and unable to accurately view my actions from a more objective pov, i didnt feel shame. now that im older and more recovered and much more self aware, i definitly do and can also see some of the places where i was probably feeling shame previously, but wasnt able to identify it and was mistaking it for other more confrontational emotions

so its really interconnected with a lot of other things, lots of which depend on ur own personal trauma and how it manifests for u specifically and is therefore kind of a byproduct of all that other stuff rather than a root symptom unto itself if that makes sense. i hope that was helpful and feel free to come back and ask more questions or talk about it more if ud like or if any of that didnt make sense!

[nebulablakemurphy]

Through Love And By Love (Pt. 13)

Summary: Twenty-Two years ago, Draco Malfoy used the imperius curse to slow Voldemort’s rise to power. No good deed goes unpunished. Warning: this series contains mature subject matter surrounding use of the imperius curse, discussions of trauma and mental illness; reader discretion advised.

Part 12

Summer passes, Rosanna and Draco spend a fair bit of it building a defense strategy.

Scorpius, for his part, pretends he is none the wiser. That things will right themselves and the truth will set them free. But he knows better, this is bad. Debatably the worst it’s ever been.

“If you ask me, the most mishandled aspect of the wizarding war, will always be Rosanna McVay’s tragic entanglement to the Malfoy family.” The reporter’s voice booms over the radio.

Of all the things Scorpius considers his mother to be, tragically entangled is not one of them.

“Oi, give it a rest.” The cohost retorts.

“That girl was bred like cattle, she lost her entire life to that family. She fell in love with a monster and Draco Malfoy fell in love with the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. He enjoys her the way a child does a toy.”

And of all the things Scorpius considers his father to be, a monster is not one of them. If these people ever met his parents, this entire debate would be null and void.

“And that is where we disagree. Draco Malfoy sold his soul to the devil, to save Rosanna McVay; and it’s people like you that’ve forced the reopening of this case, after over twenty years!”

“Pish, posh, the trial was rushed and we all know it. The imperious charm is listed as an unforgivable curse for a reason. The minister for magic, at present, recognizes that in a way that Kingsley Shacklebolt failed to.”

“Hermione Granger-Weasley would not open this can of worms of her own accord, but given the recent outcry, her hands are tied.”

This Scorpius knows to be true, Hermione is family, Hermione would never.

“Scorpius.” Another voice calls, not from the radio. This time addressing him directly.

“Mum, I was just-” bollocks, he’s been caught.

Rosanna smiles, kindly. “Finish getting ready for the train, it’s almost time to go.”

“Why are we leaving so early?” The train back to school doesn’t leave for hours.

“We’re driving down this year.”

“Driving?” They’ve always taken the floo.

“Photographers from the paper expect us to come through the floo network. This way will be better, less hectic.” Rosanna explains. “Plus, we have a chance for car karaoke.”

“Right,” Scorpius chokes out. Waiting until the door closes behind his mother to begin packing.

Rosanna’s cat, Lovey, sneaks out from beneath the bed. Perhaps she is now keeping watch, that or she is hiding from Draco. His father and his mother’s cat have always had a rather tumultuous relationship.

Eventually Scorpius trudges downstairs with his trunk and owl in tow. Her namesake is driven largely by the fact that she didn’t like to be kept in her cage, for any amount of time. She’d squawk terribly before she was trained.

“Oh, Lottie.” His father sighs.

“Lottie?” Scorpius repeats. He hasn’t given her a name yet.

Draco nods, “a fitting nickname, it means ‘free man.’ Some creatures are not meant to be tamed, they are wild at heart and long to remain free.” He unclasps the cage door, allowing the owl to climb onto his outstretched arm. “But, if we are lucky, they may choose to remain faithfully by our sides.”

“Lottie.” Scorpius finally settles upon a name.

He never took into account where his father might have acquired such extensive knowledge of caged animals. He never considered that this ideology may stem from interactions with a person instead.

Everyone is down on the first floor, waiting for Scorpius. The door left open as Rosanna loads Vega and Polaris’ trunks into the car, using her pointer finger. She rarely uses a wand for things around the house.

Corina must be having a morning. Her little fists are clenched around chunks of their father’s hair. Cheeks splotchy from crying as Draco bounces from side to side.

“Will she live?” Polaris jests, passing a hand over her youngest sister’s hair.

Draco half laughs, “I’m sure she’ll pull through somehow.”

“It’s hard being little, Coco.” Vega tells the little girl. “But soon you’ll be big, and wish you were little again.”

Corina doesn’t understand, resting her head against Draco’s chest. Clearly exhausted from her efforts.

“Scorpius, let your mother know your things are ready.” Draco jerks his chin toward the driveway.

Scorpius nods, heading out the open door.

Their muggle car has three rows of seats, a silver colored sports utility vehicle that sits in the garage, mostly for show.

“Mum, my trunk is ready.”

“Oh, good.” Rosanna pops her head out from the trunk. Her magic envelopes his school trunk, moving it into place with the twin’s.

Polaris’ frog, Persephone, croaks in protest.

“Are you keeping Lottie with you?”

“Oh, yes.” Scorpius forces a smile.

“You ok?” Rosanna closes the hatchback. Moving closer to ruffle his hair.

“I’m alright if you are.” He leans heavily against the trunk.

“I am.” His mother assures him.

————————————————————————

They approach the train station in due time, Draco begins pulling into a parking spot while his wife carries on about being too close to the car on her side.

“Baby,” she squeals, slapping at him blindly as the front of their car narrowly avoids the driver’s side door of the other car.

“Rosanna,” Draco all but growls, “close your eyes next time if it is too much for you. I know how to drive.”

Scorpius stops listening after that, their bickering is no more than white noise. It is not uncommon for them to row. They’re both opinionated and passionate in what they believe. But something about this is different, they seem worn down. As if everything has finally begun to eat away at them.

Corina kicks her little legs in her carseat, facing the rear of the car. Easily entertained by the butterflies Draco has charmed to circle near her head.

After a moment she stares up at her brother with wide brown eyes. Holding out the enchanted butterfly, trapped in her fist.

“For me?” Scorpius smiles over at her.

“Uh huh.” Corina smiles, releasing the butterfly. It circles Scorpius briefly, before landing on his nose. He’ll go cross eyed staring at it too long.

“Thank you.”

Their father swings open the door and the butterflies disappear. Draco unbuckles his daughter and promptly hands her off to Rosanna. They can’t use magic here, not until reaching platform 9 3/4, so Draco unloads the trunks onto a trolley.

Making their way through the train station quickly, they cross the threshold into the wizarding world. Scorpius reminds himself of the instructions he’s been given. Keep up with his family, don’t answer any questions, ignore any photographers. But they never discussed what to do in the event that they are separated. Which is exactly what happens.

Scorpius stands alone, swarmed by reporters, shouting at him. Snapping picture after picture.

“What are your thoughts about your father?”

“Are the wards around the Malfoy estate truly to keep intruders out? Or to keep you in?”

“Is it true that-”

“Scorpius!” That voice, his mother’s voice.

“Mum?” He can’t see her, but he hears her.

“Scorpius!” His father now. Of course they would come for him, they always do.

“Scorpius.” A cloud of smoke erupts between himself and the crowd, someone grabs his hand and drags him out of the chaos.

Once the fog clears enough for his eyes to adjust, Scorpius realizes that he is now in the corner, on the opposite side of the platform. Someone is there with him. “Delphi?”

“Scorpius, I’m sorry to bother you with this, but we don’t have much time.” The woman says, breathlessly. Fishing for something in her coat pocket.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure how much your parents have told you about what’s happening at the ministry…but in reference to your father’s case, things aren’t looking good.”

“I know,” Scorpius rakes a hand through his hair.

Draco is facing months, if not years, in Azkaban.

“There is something,” Delphi whispers, “something you could do.”

“Anything,” Scorpius nods, eagerly.

“You could use this.” A time turner, pulled from her coat.

“That’s illegal.”

“Of course.” Delphi drops it back to her side. “Forgive me for suggesting it.”

“It’s alright but I-“ Scorpius stammers, “I don’t see how that would help.”

“If you go back and change things, stop your father from using the imperius curse and prove that the outcome of the war would be different. Then put things back, exactly as they were. You’d return with the memories from the other timelines, put them in a pensieve, they’re admissible in court. Prove your father’s sacrifice was necessary, make him a hero.”

“Will you come with me?”

“Wish I could,” Delphi grimaces, “but the ministry has all employees on strict lockdown until the source of this breech has been identified.”

“Oh.” Scorpius lowers his gaze.

“I’m risking a lot even being here, but your mother is very dear to me. I’d hate to see her lose everything.”

Scorpius nods, taking the cool, metal, time turner in hand. “How will I know where to go?”

Delphi shoots him a grin, “all you need to do is turn it.”

Another puff of smoke, and she is gone.

Scorpius tucks the time turner away safely, in his own pocket. Rushing back to his parents, who are still frantically calling his name.

“Here,” Scorpius waves, “I’m here.”

Rosanna is beside herself, stroking his hair, checking him over thoroughly. “Are you ok, Scorpius?”

No. “Yes, I’m alright.” He hugs her to him. Scorpius loves his mother dearly, the sight of her so upset over him breaks his heart.

Draco tosses the arm not holding Corina around both of them, kissing his son’s hair. “Don’t worry, we will be pressing charges. I won’t have these imbeciles harassing you again.”

Scorpius realizes that his momentary absence scared them, it well and truly terrified them.

The train whistle blows, time to board.

“I love you,” Scorpius says, squeezing his parents a bit tighter. “I love you both.”

“Oh, Scorpius, we love you too.”

“We love you so much.”

And that is why he has to do this.

Part 14

[tvxcue]

ik it's been four years since bridgerton was first released and i just started getting into it this year so it's probably already been discussed but one of the aspects of the racial dynamics in the show, specifically in s1, that frustrates me a lot is the awareness of race that the characters of color show versus the ignorance of white characters.

like simon's entire background is shaped by his and his family's race. his father was also ableist and abused him because of that but that abuse and ableism is also intrinsically tied to the fact that the elevation of people of color is NEW in this society and he calls it precarious. we get lady danbury who essentially argues that this new racial order is permanent and that fear is irrational and sure we can take that as fact for this universe but this doesn't erase the fact that simon's trauma and resistance to having children is informed by a very recent history of discrimination and bigotry towards people of color and that daphne never has to learn about this or confront this. she's not only backed by the narrative in her assault of simon, he is treated as unreasonable and prideful for his anger at her afterwards. their story ends and their conflict is "resolved" when she "forgives" him and he "accepts" having children by "getting over his pride."

and sure, she learns that he was abused and realizes that's why he didn't want children (and that leads to her forgiving him) but 1) he doesn't really get narrative space to work through his trauma and 2) the racial underpinnings of his trauma are ultimately ignored and treated as irrelevant and it's a topic that's never addressed again in the show.

and this feels particularly dismissive because we get lord featherington (the first one) literally referencing slavery and the fact that will's father was enslaved in the american colonies as he's trying to convince will to throw his last fight so there ARE white people who are aware of these racial dynamics and history and here, see one using that history to manipulate a black man. yet the "good" white characters are allowed to be ignorant as a way to maintain that "goodness" because otherwise, we would have to actually reckon with the colonial and white supremacist underpinnings of this society and how white people perpetuate this structure.

and lord featherington is kind of useless and antagonistic throughout s1, so he can be a this mouthpiece but that also throws into question marina's place in the featherington household and portia's treatment of her and penelope eventually writing about her pregnancy but that's still never acknowledged! portia gets a line at the end where she calls marina strong and her actions are validated as her trying her best to make sure marina + all the featherington women survive but it still feels like a gap in the show's discussion of race that exists so that none of the white characters have to grapple with race while non-white characters (and in s1, black characters specifically) are subject to horrors.

and s2 continues this because even as british colonialism in india is gestured to throughout, no white character has to acknowledge the specificity of the sharmas' vulnerability and status as indian women in this society. kate talks about forcing herself to tolerate british (white) culture for the sake of edwina's future with lady danbury, but anthony never really has to think about that. (and yes in s3 we get anthony suggesting they go to india and wanting to learn about kate's culture for their child but that's literally the one and only time a white character has actually considered that the experiences of non-white people is different from white people and still doesn't address the implied racism that's still present in other parts of the show. like we get anthony, benedict, and colin being directly confronted by women about the misogyny in their society and their privilege as men but NOTHING about whiteness despite characters of color being aware of the difference and inequality.)

and even though s3 is abt two white leads, the parallels with the mondrich family's plot that season raises a lot of questions about how truly equal this society is because penelope and colin are both allowed to be writers (have jobs) and be part of the ton while will and alice have to sell their club in order to be respected and accepted by the ton. and while yes, the mondrich's are newly elevated and it's their son that is titled, not them, while colin and penelope come from established nobility so classism is at play here.......black people and other people of color have only been granted titles within the last 50 years, that's why the two white characters have the privilege of class, so it's still valid to question that double standard because it's directly related to the show universe's established history of racial discrimination. moreover, the people who directly tell will and alice they should give up the club in order to be accepted are literally two black characters (lady danbury and lord garrett). which comes back to the point that people of color in this universe are aware of race and racism but white people are not and are allowed to stay that way, which is an incredibly frustrating dynamic to watch.

[vickyvicarious]

Thanks to y'all I finished the Marsh Masterpiece and you weren't exaggerating and, as you had pointed out, it sucks at depicting the aftermaths of assault (among the things that made my Syrian ass sigh as much as every other anti-middle eastern propaganda shit out there) bc it handles trauma so bizarrely? Holt is tortured by the caricature, and upon seeing Paul L who he admired react with terror about that same caricature, he proceeds to lose respect for him for being unmasculine. Paul proceeds to care about his kidnapped fiancee's state of purity above all. Marjorie is attacked by the bug in her own bed and her reaction to Holt's fear of the same bug is contempt. There was a rife opportunity there for exploration, like how shared trauma between lovers affects their relationship. Look at how the once meek and scared Harker forsakes his soul if his love is forsaken, how he called the vampires devils of the pit and now chooses to share a bed with a devil, or how the once bubbly and confident in her goodness Mina asks him to vow to brutalize her and internalizes her Fallen state as deserving. Boom, cause and effect- the villain has irreversibly changed them and their relationship and we see how they deal with that. With the Beetle, what was even the point?

The saddest thing about this is that it reminds me of how much HAS NOT changed in media depicting assault. It's for so many times JUST for shock value and/or demonization of a group of people. Modern police dramas and fantasy series are notoriously bad about this, though not just them. But yeah, great to know that people always loved sexplotation crap...

First of all: I sincerely apologize for my part in getting you to read the entirety of this book. (said jokingly, but also a little bit not, haha)

And YEAH, everything you said is so right. There's not just a weird handling of trauma, but this bizarre disconnect between all the characters. None of them have empathy for one another, even when the source of their fear/trauma is literally the exact same person (though 'caricature' is in many ways a better word, not like the Beetle gets much personality outside of a bunch of racist stereotypes in a trenchcoat), most of the time even via them acting in the same ways. And so the result is this story where none of the characters really connect with one another in a meaningful way. That's definitely not the only problem, but - as I saw in a meta from @animate-mush earlier today - in The Beetle, things just seem to happen to the characters, and the horror is more about their helplessness. In Dracula, the characters feel and do things all the time! Often, those aren't the right feelings or actions, or the characters wind up feeling like they're participating in the evil, thus fostering that horror of complicity. But in this book, our ongoing jokes that nothing anyone does affects the plot at all are... not really jokes, they're pretty true. If all the POV characters had done nothing at all, the Beetle still would have hypnotized someone else to steal Paul Lessingham's letters, still would have terrorized/kidnapped Marjorie, and still would have died in the train crash (setting aside the sequel-bait "or did they live after all...?" moment). Not only did they do very little in the first place, what they did was irrelevant. I guess you can say that ties into the theme of the horror, but, ehhhh.

And again, you are absolutely correct about the missed opportunity for conflict/growth between the couple. They spend almost no time together outside of flashbacks, and don't confide in one another at all, let alone explore their changed relationship. But also, to zoom out from just them... for a novel which is at least 70% people telling one another stories about what happened to them, no one actually reacts to those stories very much. In Dracula, Jonathan's diary provokes strong reactions in everyone who reads it, and directly/very importantly informs their next actions. Mina's account of Whitby gives Van Helsing the push to start the hunt for vamped!Lucy, and Seward's records give the clue that Renfield is connected to Dracula in some way. Even the Captain of the Demeter's log, read after his death, gives added context to the hunt and helps set them on their box chase which is of vital importance. The characters not only tell each other their stories - and write letters, and look up records - but they are changed and brought closer by the sharing of their experiences. The whole process is a unifying one.

The Beetle doesn't do any of that. After hearing Holt's account, Marjorie and Sydney unsympathetically take him to revisit the source of his trauma. Sydney, despite knowing she's telling the truth, tries to dismiss Marjorie the entire time she's talking to him. Champnell privately judges Paul Lessingham throughout his story. Marjorie and Paul don't really talk at all! Even when all of the characters come together for the final chase, they spend half the time talking over/insulting/arguing with one another. Both because they haven't all shared information fully in the first place, and because none of them have been changed or emotionally affected too much by one another's stories. The whole book reminds me of this excerpt from a critical essay about Dracula where the author claimed that there's a horrible bitter rivalry between all the suitors and their proclamations of love and friendship are lies. It's the worst bad faith interpretation of the text... and one Richard Marsh, seemingly, would have looked at and went "let's make that canon!"

Finally... it really is sadly true how little some things have changed. I mean, certainly, you can find a lot of much better depictions of trauma and aftermath (and companionship and less racism and better writing and-) nowadays. But equally, you can find plenty, scads upon scads, of the same kind of awful tropes as Marsh used (I can easily come up with some common ones in police detective shows especially). Maybe the worst part is that they can normalize terrible associations/expectations in a casual audience without them even realizing. And even in more nuanced stories, lots of people have very reductive interpretations. (See: the above mentioned Dracula essay. Or any of the many Dracula adaptations that claim to be more feminist or something while playing into just as bad and in some cases worse tropes as the original.) In a lot of ways, many of our modern tropes and interpretations around race/sex/gender/etc. are often not any more enlightened than Victorian ones were. Not always, of course! But more than enough.

[buecherbummlerin]

The Stolen Heir

Author:

Holly Black

Publisher:

Little, Brown and Compnay

Content:

Eight years have passed since the Battle of the Serpent. But in the icy north, Lady Nore of the Court of Teeth, has reclaimed the Ice Needle Citadel. There she is using an ancient relic to create monsters of stick and snow who will do her bidding and exact her revenge.

Suren, child queen of the Court of Teeth, and the one person with power over her mother, fled to the human world, where she lives feral in the woods. Lonely, and still haunted by the merciless torments she endured in the Court of Teeth, she bides her time by releasing mortals from foolish bargains. She believes herself forgotten until the storm hag Bogdana chases her through the night streets. Suren is saved by none other than Prince Oak, heir to Elfhame, to whom she was once promised in marriage and who she has resented for years.

Now seventeen, Oak is charming, beautiful and manipulative. He's on a mission that will lead him into the north, and he wants Suren's help. But if she agrees, it will mean guarding her heart against the boy she once knew and a prince she cannot trust, as well as confronting all the horrors she thought she had left behind.

My Review:

I enjoyed The Stolen Heir by Holly Black, even though it was not as good as  the Folk of the Air trilogy. I would definitely recommend reading the Folk of the Air trilogy by Holly Black in advance, as this book ties into the events of that trilogy and otherwise you have no idea what is going on in this book and how everything is tied together.

The book is rather short and at just under 400 pages from beginning to end is really exciting. Holly Black starts directly into the events and shows and this time the world of Faerie from the point of view of Wren and Oak. I would have liked a little more here that the character development and the characters themselves would have had a little more room to develop and the story. Nevertheless, I must admit that I found it interesting and entertaining to experience the world from the point of view of characters who are not the focus of the Faerie and want to escape it for various reasons.

I also particularly liked how Holly Black, despite the limited number of pages, manages to give both characters depth through their fears and traumas. Together with all the tricks, secrets and riddles of the Faerie world, Holly Black manages to create an exciting and magical story. However, I would have liked maybe a hundred more pages to have more depths to the story and the events. At many points the story lacked meaningful explanations.

Resume:

I enjoyed reading "The Stolen Heir" by Holly Black, but I have to admit that the story didn't have enough depth for me. Many decisions, relationships and especially the characters had too little background and explanation for me. However, the Folk of Air Trilogy by Holly Black, which this book follows on from, is much better and should definitely be read first.

[lemontongues]

just saw the ed piskor stuff and i dont have a ton of thoughts on the particular situation (honestly had never heard of him before) but the whole thing does just make me think about like. how much we as a culture desperately need to get better at developing procedures for handling situations where someone did or may have done something terrible, especially when we know they're not likely to face legal repercussions for it.

bc like, if you think about it imprisonment is rly the easy way out on a cultural level, bc the outcome for everyone not directly involved is "the person just Goes Away to a place where someone else is responsible for feeding and clothing and housing them and none of the rest of us have to grapple with the fact that theyre still actually a person who is going to keep on existing no matter how much we dont like it." but in a lot of these cases where its issues of sexual harrassment or emotional abuse or whatnot that are traumatizing to the victims but arent likely to even go to court, much less result in any jail time, like.... asserting that the morally right thing to do is to completely exile this person from society and that anyone who continues to support them is equally monstrous is just. not a functional strategy.

its the same reason why the aclu advocates for the rights of sex offenders yknow, like. actually creating groups of highly ostracized ppl with ruined lives doesnt help anyone? it makes it harder on victims who want to come forward (both because of the guilt some will feel over bringing those consequences down on their abuser and because everyone knows the kind of vicious backlash the victims will get from defenders of the accused), it breeds the awful public litigating of ppl's lives that we see every time allegations come out and everyone and their mother has to jump in and make sure the internet knows they have the Right Opinions on this situation that in no way shape or form involves them, and it can result in situations like piskor's, which is just a lose-lose all around.

like there absolutely should be consequences but a) imo we really gotta focus more resources on actually caring for and supporting victims than on punishing the accused anyway and b) a scorched-earth approach doesnt help anything and there needs to be more thought and nuance to the consequences than "we're kicking you out of society and anyone who doesnt immediately sever all ties with you should be ostracized too". sometimes ppl should lose their jobs if their jobs gave them structural power over the ppl they abused, sometimes maybe its not necessary. they're inevitably going to lose a lot of people in their lives when allegations come up because a lot of ppl will just find it repulsive to be around someone they think may have abused others, but maybe their friends shouldn't all have to immediately cut ties or risk being seen as guilty by association. etc etc. it just sets everyone up for a lot of additional suffering and trauma and i dont know what the right solutions are, but man i would rly love to start seeing more conversation around actual best practices and mitigating the gut-reaction lashing out from uninvolved parties on both sides

[sapphic-luthor]

i thibk you are the first person i’ve heard say johnny d is not the victim. it’s got me thinking, have i been fkn brainwashed by all the media i see???? it’s so hard in these situations because statistics say amber will be the victim. but she might not be. but she might also be. gah, i wish the truth was easy to uncover.

gonna answer this under the cut and please god everyone this is not an invitation for discourse

i’m not going to do the whole “but the evidence this!! and this tiktok!! and this meme!!!” bullshit because abuse and domestic violence are not, in any capacity, the sort of things that can be packaged into little tweets or meme videos designed specifically for engagement. and more importantly, the case is really just that: a legal case that’s in the hands of the court, that ultimately has nothing to do with you or i.

but what does have to do with me as a woman and as a lesbian is the way the media frenzy of this case is warping the public consciousness when talking about trauma and abuse. i really, really, urge you to take a look at what sort of information is being shared and by whom, and what sort narrative theyre trying to push— you will find blatant misogyny spurring a LOT of this conversation.

i do think its important to say that nobody on twitter or tiktok or making rant videos on youtube with big bright clickbait icons should be considered a source of truth of information regarding what was obviously an extremely volatile interpersonal relationship between two people who absolutely none of us know personally, and whose celebrity statuses directly affect the publics made-up perception of their characters.

misogynists salivate over the myth of the wrongly accused man. look at how many people are instantaneously accusing women like megan thee stallion (who literally got shot!) and evan rachel wood (who was kidnapped, tortured, branded, and repeatedly assaulted on camera in a music video that’s still on youtube to this fucking day) of lying or attention seeking or whatever, because they can’t bear to imagine the accused men as the monsters they are. look at the pass people give r kelly and chris brown!

abuse allegations are, by their nature, extremely traumatic to share and often extremely intimately tied up in ptsd, guilt, shame, memory loss, you name it. i don’t know what’s going to happen in this defamation case, and i almost don’t care because i dont respect the US legal system at all. but i do know that none of the disastrous effects or realities of abuse on a victim should ever be turned into content, and the next time you see a tiktok like “here’s a picture of amber heard SMILING a day AFTER she LIED about xyz!!!” with a backyardigans theme song or what the hell ever i want you to really consider the way women and their suffering are so often turned into caricatures by the public, the way women are never, ever, fucking believed regardless of if they have evidence or witnesses or whatever, and also maybe why the venn diagram of people who don’t believe other victims and who insist JD is innocent is a literal circle.

[nastybuckybarnes]

Of Kings and Beasts  -  Ten

Pairing: King!Bucky X Princess!Reader X King!Steve

Summary: Born a bastard of the King of Orlen, you’re thrust to the West to marry the Kings. However, the greeting you get is anything but warm, and your life with the King is far from enjoyable. He knows it isn’t your fault his husband is gone, but that fact alone won’t prevent him from taking it out on you.

Warnings: Angst, Injuries, Fluff, Language, Violence, 

Word Count: 2K

A/n: Okay y’all THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH FOR 10K FOLLOWERS IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MCUH OMG Anyway ahem here is part 10 and I hope you enjoy! We’re gonna have a more intense part coming next but until then, enjoy!

THIS SERIES CONTAINS SMUT AND DARK THEMES THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME AUDIENCES!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

Series Masterlist

“We make for Asgard.”

~*~

“You look lovely. The colours of Asgard suit you well,” Thor says, his eyes raking over your figure from behind.

Adorning your body is a soft linen gown, the colour of cream. It is cut low in the front, a style Thor assured you is common in his kingdom, and has many different folds and layers to it, making it flow with every step you take.

The fabric itself is lightweight, and the straps lie thinly on your shoulders. The waistline is decorated with gleaming golden gems and is cinched rather tightly.

Over your shoulders is a dark red cape, the same colour as Thor’s.

Your hair is tied up away from your face intricately and elegantly, and a dainty diamond necklace rests around your neck.

You turn to face him, a deep feeling of unease settling in your stomach.

“What is to happen now?” You wonder aloud, eyes fluttering past his face and around the chambers that he’s deemed to be yours for the time being.

“Now we wait. The kings should be here soon, and then we will inform them of the letter you received. I promise you’ll be safe here, Petal.” He cups your cheeks and you swallow hard, nervous about the change in his attitude towards you.

“Thor?” You ask softly, taking a half-step backward in an attempt at removing yourself from his grip.

He surges forward, one hand dropping from your face to wrap around your waist as his lips crash against yours in a fierce and dominating kiss.

Your heart races in your chest and you shove against his face, trying to force him away from you.

Helplessness fills you as you realize that you’ll never be able to overpower him, and dread settles in your gut as he pushes you back until you’re pressed against the wall.

Your muffled cries for help, for him to stop, fall on deaf ears as his lips continue their assault against yours, prying yours open to give his tongue access to your mouth.

Thinking quick, you grip his bottom lip and bite down as hard as you can, drawing blood and successfully making him pull away from you.

He jumps back, one hand coming up to his mouth while you scramble back and away from him, chest heaving and eyes full of betrayal.

His jaw clenches and he takes a step towards you, only to stop when the doors to your chambers burst open.

“(Y/n)!” A familiar voice calls, two men rushing into the room and searching for you.

The tension in the room is palpable and the two Kings pick up on it instantly, their guards raising as they see the way you’re cowering from the blond King before you.

“Are we interrupting something?” Steve asks, his voice ringing with authority.

“No,” you say quickly, regaining your composure and squaring your shoulders as the words of the Valkyrie ring in your ears.

“Thor was just taking his leave,” you say pointedly, staring the King down for a long moment until he nods, bows then spins on his heel and leaves without a word.

You take a deep breath, power and fear chasing each other through your veins while your heart races in your chest.

“(Y/n), are you alright?” Steve asks softly, taking a step towards you and reaching for your hand. You yank it back towards your body, levelling him with a glare.

“If my purpose was solely to bear children, then why are you here if I failed?” The blond glances over at his husband, unsure of how he should address this.

“It is obviously not a secret. I have been threatened even since my departure, and the truth has been brought to my attention. So I ask again, why are you here?” James takes a careful step towards you, and then another, and another until he is standing just directly in front of you.

You keep your shoulders squared and your head held high, refusing to back down.

“(Y/n), there are things we must tell you... things we have not been completely honest about... things that involve our union, and our actions towards you. Will you allow us time to be honest with you?” You swallow hard but nod, wanting nothing more than the truth after all this time in the dark.

James takes your hand delicately in both of his and ushers you to the bed, sitting down beside you while Steve sits on your other side.

The brunet speaks first.

“We were told... by our council that we needed to find a wife. When they heard of our plans to join the two kingdoms of the North and wed each other... they tried to find any way to stop it. But upon seeing our power they relented until they realized that our reign would end if we did not have a queen.

“They gave us a timeframe to find a queen. One that could give us heirs and continue the lineage of both of us. We were presented with many women but you... you stood out from the many faces we saw.”

You frown, brows drawn together tightly as you ponder this.

“My purpose... right from the beginning was nothing more than what you had told me. What you said was true. What I was told is nothing but the truth,” you whisper to James, fighting back the tears that prick at your eyes.

Steve shakes his head, leaning closer to engage in the conversation. “No. Your purpose was... is to be our wife. A queen to our people and the mother of our children. You are meant to rule alongside us, not be behind or beneath us. You are our equal, although we have not treated you as such.”

You sniffle, shaking your head as if trying to shake your feelings away.

“Why have you treated me the way that you have? Why? What have I done to deserve such hostility?”

The two exchange long glances before James sighs and takes your hand, leading it to the thin scar at the base of his skull.

“Someone has operated on me. Altered me in a way that makes me hostile towards you and Steven. We do not know who, but we know that they are close enough to be near me without raising suspicion. I will never be able to apologize enough for my actions. I have hurt you far more than I ever could have imagined myself capable of. But with the help of doctor Banner, we were hoping to have more clues as to who is responsible for this. However, he is still in quite an unstable condition.”

You swallow hard, this new information having you beyond overwhelmed.

“Who would conspire against you in such a way? Who would have such hatred in their heart for the two of you that they would take it out on me?” The two kings sigh, their hearts heavy and their eyes filled with sadness.

“We do not know. But one thing is certain: we will not rest until we figure out who it is and until they are brought to justice.”

~*~

The two Kings settle in the guest chambers for the night, having insisted that you get your own space and that you are welcome to join them if you feel so inclined.

Your mind is still in shambles, thoughts scattered and emotions all over the continent as you prepare for bed.

A knock on your door pulls you from your thoughts and you softly call for them to enter, your guard raising in an instant.

“How may I help you, Your Majesty?” You ask, jaw clenched tightly.

Thor takes a deep breath then lets it out, pacing slowly around your chambers.

“I stepped very far out of line, (Y/n). I let my emotions get the better of me and I was foolish. I apologize sincerely for my actions.” You watch him with furrowed brows, not sure if you should trust him.

“You have... entranced me. Bewitched me. Your husbands have not treated you fairly and, even in the short time that I've known you, I can tell that you are a woman deserving of the world. And if the world cannot be given to you then you deserve everything in it. And yet here you are, cowering from your own kingdom because they failed to protect you.” You want to interrupt. To tell him that he is not aware of the extent of the trauma that the Kings themselves have faced, but you hold your tongue instead.

“I can only hope that one day you will be able to forgive what has transpired today. For I value your company and your companionship and I would be devastated to lose it in any way. However, I will not blame you if you were to push me away. I was out of line and I allowed myself to be weak in a moment when I should have been strong. You needn’t give me an answer tonight, but I am offering my sincerest apologies. While you are here the Palace is yours. Anything you require will be brought to you promptly.”

He’s quiet for a moment before clearing his throat, his eyes on the ground.

“I bid thee goodnight, and I hope pleasant dreams find you tonight.” He turns to leave and you sigh, shaking your head.

“Thor, wait.” He does, turning back to look at you with those soft blue eyes of his.

“I appreciate and accept your apology. I do not look at you any differently because of what transpired, and I am grateful that you came to explain it. I appreciate your friendship and I am glad to have found solace in you, and it would be a shame to squander it over something so trivial.” He smiles, relief and happiness plain as day on his face.

“Good. Thank you for your understanding, (Y/n). Goodnight.” He leaves without another word and you put your head in your hands, beyond confused and frustrated with the feelings stirring inside of you.

You would be lying if you said that the Asgardian King wasn’t attractive. And he has been a friend in times when you’ve otherwise had none.

Shaking the intrusive thoughts out of your head, you exit your chambers and pad softly down the hall, stopping in front of the chambers that have been set aside for your husbands.

You knock twice, butterflies finding a home in your belly as you wait for one of them to allow you entrance.

The door gets pulled open and James stands in front of you, the formal look on his face dropping to give way to a soft smile.

“May I join the two of you tonight?” You ask quietly, looking between him and Steve. The blond looks on eagerly from his spot on the bed, nodding his head quickly.

“Of course, My love.” You bow your head in thanks and enter the room, oblivious to the eyes following your every move from a dark corner of the hallway.

The door shuts behind you but you continue to the bed, crawling on next to Steve while James extinguishes the lanterns lighting the room.

Steve makes room for you in the centre of the bed, pushing the blankets aside to allow you to get comfortable. James climbs on behind you, waiting until you’re settled to get comfortable himself.

Neither of the Kings touch you. No, they stay a respectable distance away.

“I am not so angry that I will not allow my husbands to embrace me,” you say softly, eyes closed as the events of the day catch up to you.

You’re then being held on either side by strong arms and right then and there, in that very moment, you feel the safest you have ever felt in your life.

[iersei]

i just. i can't make myself care about the finale. i can't make myself care about a lot of the recent stuff period. the stakes got so big with so little time to rest that each new development felt less and less like anything that i should be invested in. and like! it sucks! i still love these characters! i still love this world! but i just don't believe that the narrative loves them the same way anymore!!

i'm sorry, but you can't honestly expect me to believe a final speech about "you did it! you ended the cycle!" when there's been a severe lack of closure and emotional connection on several fronts from all of the core families. i have a plethora of issues about dood's goodbye in general, the biggest of them being the fact that i didn't feel anything about it. they didn't even get to leave on much of a good note, and it felt so unsatisfying when it felt like that was what the whole season was building up to! none of what was being said felt earned. none of it felt TRUE either.

even without going in-depth on my personal feelings about the writing of the close family and how they were handled in general (because believe me, i can), the end of their arc was literally "there's no fixing this" like you've gotta be KIDDING ME.

in a series where the core theme is meant to be intergenerational trauma and interpersonal relationships, those ideas have taken a major backseat in favor of throwing a handful of teens into situation after situation of increasing difficulty and it's felt less and less like there's been any good reason for any of it. a lot of the major stakes ended up centering the doodler specifically instead of the main families, and i honestly think this could've worked! but it's gotten to a point where neither idea was fully realized in a way that kinda destroyed the main messaging and any investment i had left in this series.

i want to care about dood. i love dood! i think they're such a cool concept for a character! BUT THEY BARELY GOT TO FEEL LIKE A CHARACTER! when the narrative disregarded so much of the relationships the teens had with their parents in favor of dealing with the doodler and then the PCs barely even acknowledge dood, it almost feels like it's all been for nothing.

and if i may say, i truly believe that hermie was the canary in the coal mine in regard to how the lack of care of NPCs was destroying this season.

forgetting all of the essential NPCs was bad enough as is, but with the power of hindsight, doing it so constantly and consistently to the one that's been in their party this entire time to the point that it became a complex for him (and then not even fully resolving that to the very end!) and killing him off without much closure or fanfare felt so unfair on so many levels.

if you don't have the patreon or didn't keep up with the news of why the cast did what they did (regardless of how i feel about their reasoning), hermie's death also came out of nowhere within the story itself. there was no roll of the dice. there was no check to make. there was nothing any of the PCs could actually do to prevent his death from happening. it happens so suddenly that you think it should be a fake-out, but it fucking isn't!

hermie had SO MUCH potential! his relationships with most, if not all, of the main cast should've been important after all this time! THEY'RE LITERALLY A BROKEN MARRIAGE WITHOUT HIM AND IT MEANS SO LITTLE! the narrative gave him a family and a hint of a complex relationship with them and it barely mattered! his relationship with normal is its own can of worms. and to an extent, so is his what-could've-been with scary. but the thing that really irks me is that he's literally taylor's family.

we're just going to completely ignore the aspect of him that directly ties to one of the main families? we're just never going to give any closure to whatever relationship that jodie and scam and hermie could've had? the clusterfuck that is the close/foster/freeman/swift/likely family line is built upon relationships that never had the chance to be realized from the lack of emotional vulnerability and all the time they can't have back, and it's all so deeply ironic to me that i have to laugh or else i'll start to cry.

there's missed potential, and then there's everything that happened this season. there are so many loose threads to pull at with the kiddads especially, and it's one of the reasons that they're my favorite group of characters in the series! but at this point, it's piled up so much that it's beyond frustrating. i hate that sparrow said that he can't wildshape and be a lovewolf anymore, and that's never been addressed again. i hate that the flashback of the betrayal was so glossed over before the lot of them were shoved to the sidelines once again. i hate how telling it is that they had to have nicky awkwardly state that his arm was shot off with magic bullets and that's why he can't regenerate at some point because it was painfully clear the PCs were never going to question it.

I HATE THAT LARK AND SPARROW BARELY GOT ANY INTERACTION WITH DOOD.

and on all that is good in this world, if any of the kiddads die arbitrarily next episode, then i just might drop this series for good. i can't live in a world that treats such essential characters as disposable. it has been treating them almost like they're disposable for the longest time, but wiping even more of them from existence like that will really be my last straw.

i just feel. really empty about it all. i feel like the parts of this series that i love and care about and that i thought were supposed to be important have been stepped on and snuffed out. and i still want to stick around and explore the space this series created because there's so much that can be explored.

but in regards to the series proper? i can't care anymore. i really can't care anymore. there's almost nothing left for me to care about. i'm just waiting for it to end.

sigh. with the dungeons and daddy issues season finale on the horizon, i feel like i need to say something but i need y'all to not eviscerate me on the spot for it.