#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why ����

[sealeneee]

siiiiiiigh

[yhwhsdaughter]

pairing: trevor belmont x fem reader

content: forced vampirism, monster slaying, main character death, pining, angst, mention of animal death, usage of the word ‘assault’ to refer vampires feeding on reader

- this was meant as platonic soulmates but it can be seen as romantic too

“It hurts…”

Feet dragging across the rocky ground, you heard screeches of pain from behind, though they soon diminished. You could only focus on the pulsing sensation at the side of your neck; it was like fire rushing through your veins.

Preoccupied with your agony, Belmont was able to sneak up. He raised his whip, ready to kill off the last of the creatures when you suddenly turned, and with glossy eyes you said, “Help me…”

The whip managed to leave a thin horizontal line across your cheek as he pulled back, causing blood to drip out slowly. Now illuminated by the moon, Belmont saw the damage on you. Skin exposed by the ripped clothes showed multiple bite marks. Blood stained the corner of your lips.

She’s been infected..

Belmont didn’t see a monster but a scared woman who’d just been assaulted by vampires. He knew what she’d turn into, but he couldn’t kill her… not when she looked at him like this. Sunrise was approaching so he had to act fast.

Draping his cloak onto your form, Belmont proceeded to carry you into the nearest building, which so happened to be where the carnage had occurred. Upon recognizing the place, you began to panic, shaking and looking at him with distrust. “You’re safe. I killed every last of those bloodsuckers.”

The two of you stayed like that for a while, in that shitty stinking room. Eventually tiredness overcame your senses; Belmont felt weight settle on his shoulder. He wonder how a vampire could look so innocent whilst sleeping.

“Hungry…”

You felt parched; it felt like your throat had dried up, barely able to utter a word.

“I know.”

A rabbit was placed in front of you. Blinking at it, you directed a confused glance at the man. “I’m—this is.. for me?” He nodded. Taking the animal with traces of disgust, you raised it to your mouth. Blood gushed into your mouth; feeding made a horrible slurping that would certainly haunt you but there was relief amongst those troubling feelings.

You gulped every last drop, draining the poor creature of its life. Still, your hunger and thirst weren’t satiated. Biting your lip, you pondered on the next move. Because this man had saved you, daring to kill him or even feed off him seemed… rude. Not to mention, he seemed way stronger than you in terms of experience. Prior to this, you were a regular citizen. Maybe you could run away?

“Here.”

Trevor could see your turmoil. Most vampires needed to drain at least one human every time they fed—if they were being generous. They could survive weeks without blood but it made them weaker. Besides, it was older vampires who had this kind of self control. Newborns tended to be more unstable.

“Just take it before I change my mind.”

You did as told, though you were still unsure. Hesitating, you licked your lips before nearing towards the vein on his wrist.

Trevor let out a grunt when your fangs pierced him. Although you tried to be gentle, it was an uncomfortable feeling nonetheless. As he became lightheaded and you full, the mouth that was attached to his wrist removed itself with a ‘pop’.

After making sure he was alright, you asked for his name. “Trevor. Trevor Belmont.”

“Oh..”

“……”

“Oh! I’m (Name) (Surname).”

─── ☾☼☽ ───

“It’s dangerous.”

“I still-still want to go!”

The last remnants of sun were gone. Ever since your first encounter with the rugged monster hunter, you refused to part from him, following the latter like a lost puppy.

“I’m not much of a fighter.. b-but watch this!”

On cue, you punched the nearest tree, cracking it and making a sizable hole. You looked back proudly towards Trevor; except when you tried to pull your hand out, you were having difficulty.

“Ah. It’s stuck.”

Trevor couldn’t help but chuckle, walking away, clearly amused with your display of power. You pulled harder, “Hold on! Don’t leave me alone! It’s scary..” you muttered the last part while chasing after him. Despite being a creature of the night, the world and its evils still frightened you.

At the sound of a branch snapping, you yelped, grabbing a piece of Trevor’s cloak for security.

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Belmont when you punched a head clean off, practically decapitating one of the attackers. He might have been seriously injured if you had not intervened.

“Trevor.”

Gazing at you under the moonlight, he saw the hunger in your eyes as you held a man whom was still alive but struggling. His neck was exposed. Even so, you waited.

The Belmont turned away, giving you privacy to feed.

He knew that by allowing you to live, you would continue to take blood from others. Normally he wouldn’t feel soft towards a monster but whenever he thought of you, it was different.

His guilt was lessened when you drank from scum. Before putting the lives of innocents in danger, he would offer his own.

“Are you done?”

The corpse of the man was dropped unceremoniously as you joined Trevor, a light skip to your step.

─── ☾☼☽ ───

Despite adopting a nighttime lifestyle, Trevor was still human and had to conduct business during daylight hours.

He’d left your lodgings, which was an abandoned cottage, for a while. Nobody really passed through there anyway, so he thought you were safe. Worst came to worse, you could handle yourself. But as your self proclaimed protector, Trevor felt uneasy leaving you alone.

Maybe he should’ve listened to his gut because when he arrived, the door was wide open with dirty footprints leading in all the way to your coffin.

Two men had opened it—staring at the peaceful expression on your face, unaware that they were here to end you. To them it was obvious what you were. Even with that frilly white dress that made you look somewhat angelic, they couldn’t be fooled. As they raised their weapons to strike, Trevor used his whip. His sudden entrance startled them but it gave you the chance to wake up.

Eyes snapping open, you jumped onto the other man, taking both of you to the ground. His screams echoed shortly as you tore into his throat. The remaining one had no chance; Trevor left the room, closing the door on his way out, killing the light that entered and cutting off the way to escape.

Left alone with your prey, a smile crept up your face.

When you opened the door again, the dress which decorated your body was now stained red. There was hardly a clean piece on the material. Even so, you greeted Trevor with a hug.

“Trevor..”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“M-me too..”

─── ☾☼☽ ───

Forty years passed in the blink of an eye.

“You should retire.”

“Belmonts don’t retire. The only rest they get is when they’re dead.”

“Well I don’t want you to die.”

“I have to, someday.”

“No you don’t.”

It’s been like this for the past few years; Trevor was sixty now. His body didn’t look that of an aging man, but the expression on his face did. He’d seen too much and as time passed, it was harder to fight monsters by himself.

Of course you’d noticed that and suggested turning him. It was an ongoing discussion; Trevor didn’t fancy the idea of living an eternal life but the thought of leaving this earth without you was disheartening. He didn’t say it but the situation tore him apart.

There was also the fact that he was too old for you; forty years to be exact. You’d maintained your youth, looking lovely as ever. His doubts were shot down when you immediately said that you didn’t care about that.

“I just want you.”

He always kept pushing the conversation away and you were patient. Trevor supposed that you could’ve taken him by force if you wanted and when he inquired, you told him it would be like violating him, robbing him of the choice you were never given.

As understanding as you were; the time would come for him to decide and confront you about it.

That time was now.

He should have been more careful, but there was nothing to be done about it now. Trevor watched as the sun slowly descended. Would you make it here before he passed? Would he die without seeing you one last time?

When you woke night had already fallen. Trevor wasn’t home; he’d been late plenty of times before but this occasion felt different.

Upon stepping outside, the smell of blood hit you. It reeked, staining the very air. You immediately recognized the source—how could you not? You’d fed from Trevor countless times.

Rushing in that direction, you prayed to whatever entity was listening to keep Trevor safe. The world and its gods could condemn you, but not him.

Not him.

You found him sprawled on a big rock, a creature hovering over his crumpled figure. Without thinking, you tore it to pieces. Blood rained as his mangled body flew to various parts of the forest.

“Trevor!!!”

He let out a groan, which would’ve made you sigh in relief but his visible injuries proved otherwise. You were no doctor and even if you could carry him into town, it would be too late. There was no other option. If you didn’t do anything, you might lose him.

“Trevor. Let me do it.”

Still conscious enough to reply, “I don’t want to become—”

“A monster?”

“I cannot become what I sought to destroy..”

Tears escaped your eyes, blurring the image of the person whom you treasure most. “Please.. please please please..! Don’t leave me alone!”

You begged, knowing it was unfair to pressure him in such way but you couldn’t bare the thought of existing if he wasn’t present. He was your salvation, your companion…your world. And yet, he was being robbed from you.

So soon… It’s too soon!

You always imagined Trevor living well into old age, spending the remainder of his life with you, being happy. He was destined to die peacefully, not like this. Not in this shitty place, by the hands of a shitty monster!

“I can’t. I’m sorry..”

Grabbing his hands, you lowered your forehead on them, crying your heart out. It was unfair. Life was unfair.

“Kiss me.”

Despite the pain that he was in, Trevor found it in himself to smile. For you. “Kiss me one last time.” Tears dropped slowly as you heard him. Shaking your head; you couldn’t kill him.

“I want it to be you..”

His words struck a chord.

Lifting him by the neck in a gentle manner, you pushed the collar of his shirt aside, exposing his carotid. As you bit into his familiar skin once more, your other hand caressed him, trying to make this goodbye as painless as possible.

With every sip you took, tears fell down.

I love you! I love you! I love you!

His warm hand turned cold.

You held him in your arms like he once did to you, with the outmost care, with the love he deserved.

Since Trevor didn’t say where he wanted his body to be buried, you chose the nicest spot. It was a secluded place where it wouldn’t be dug up by animals or people—but not so hidden either.

Whilst cleaning the blood that covered his body and face, you found a piece of cloth with writing on it. Staring at it, you recognized the Belmont insignia. Turning the material, you managed to read the words…

Take this. Go to Alucard.

Trevor must’ve written that in his final moments; probably in case he didn’t make it before you arrived. The letters were sloppy because of the blood but you could read it well.

Clutching it to your chest, you sobbed until the light of day began to burn. For a moment you wished to stay there and disappear. Perhaps you could join Trevor.

Together even in death..

─── ☾☼☽ ───

The journey was rather long.

Looming in all its glory, Castle Dracula. You looked at the last piece of your beloved, holding it tighter in your hand.

“Okay. Let’s meet this Alucard.”

[mytwilightimagines13]

Amnesia (Book one, part nine)(Alec Volturi)

Maeryn woke up, slightly gasping for air as she sat up straight in bed. She looked around the room and found herself in her own bedroom. Had everything been a dream? She thought to herself. Her door opened gently and Agnella walked in, a cup of tea in her hands as she placed it on Maeryn's nightstand. "Are you alright, mio caro?" Agnella asked. Maeryn nodded her head and thanked Agnella for the tea. "Nice boy, Alec. After you fell asleep on your date he brought you back here and laid you doen in bed." Agnella said as she smiled at Maeryn. Maeryn smiled back. "Now, drink your tea and come downstairs. Adolfo made your favourite breakfast." Agnella said as she made her way out of Maeryn's room. Maeryn ran a hand through her hair. Last night wasn't a dream. Alec was a vampire, and Maeryn had finally found out the trith about what had happened the night that Diablo dissapeared. And she had been the cause of his death. Maeryn slightly felt bad at first, but remembered what he would have done if she hadn't stopped him. No matter what, Diablo had deserved it. Rather him dead than that he had touched her in ways that where foul and against her will. But something else came back from her memory. Alec. He and his family had been there and saved her. Aro even made sure she wouldn't remember this night so she could live happily for alittle longer. Maeryn guessed that the Volturi had already been a part of her life and theybhad already cared for her before. A small smile made it's way onto Maeryn's lips as she took a quick shower and got dressed for the day, hoping she wpuld see Alec again.

And she wasn't dissapointed. As soon as she had opened the cafe, Alec had walked in, giving her a rare smile. "Goodmorning, amore mio." He said as he quickly pecked her lips. Maeryn smiled. "Goodmorning." She replied and watched as he hung his coat on a rack and stayed away from the sunlight that was coming through the windows. "Can I talk to you quickly?" She asked as she smiled. Alec frowned slightly but nodded his head as he followed Maeryn to the back of the cafe, where nobody came. "Is something bothering you?" Alec asked concerned. Maeryn shook her head. "No. I just wanted to thank you for helping me thay night, two years ago." She said as she looked down. "And I was wondering how I could thank you?" She continued. Alec smiled as he gently pushed her against the wall, his hands on her waist and his lips claiming hers. Maeryn returned his sweet kiss, feeling like floating in the air. He soon left butterfly kisses down her jaw and onto her neck, gently kissing a vein where he could feel her heart beating agaonst his lips. "All I wish, is for you to stay by my side. Forever." He murmered against her neck. Maeryn bit her lip amd closed her eyes. "As a vampire you mean?" She whispered softly. "Yes. I know this is selfish to ask, but I am that. A selfish man who needs you by his side? Untill the end of the world." He whispered as his cool breath hot her ear. Maeryn shivered slightly in delight. "Then do it. Change me." Maeryn said, wanting nothing more. But Alec smiled against her neck and looked into her eyes. "Soon. I promise. But I would say it would only be fair for Agnella and Adolfo to have a proper goodbye. Don't you think?" He asked. Maeryn sighed softly as she came out of her floating state. "I guess you are right." She replied. Alec smiled and pecked her lips once more. "Come on. There are quite a few people in the cafe already." He said as he pulled away and let her out of his grip, much to his dislike. Maeryn nodded her head and quickly went to the front of the cafe, serving people all day, while Alec stayed in the back and out of the sun, regularly stealing kisses whenever Maeryn came to the back of the shop to fetch something.

That night, Maeryn had trouble sleeping as she was reading a book. A soft knock on the window brought her back to reality as she placed her book down and stood up. She pushed her curtains away only to reveal Alec infront of her window. Maeryn smiled as she opened the window for Alec to crawl through. Alec closed the window behind him and pulled Maeryn's warm body close to his cold one, burrying his head in her neck and placing his cold lips onto the vein that beated against his lips in the rythm of her heartbeat. He gently took in her sweet scent, feeling his mouth watering and the burning in his throat rise, but he resisted. Many centuries of being a vampire would make sure he could keep control of his body, even though he wanted nothing more than to pierce his teeth through this delacite skin and drink her blood, he also knew he would never forgive himself if he would. "Goodevening, amore mio." Alec whispered into her ear. "Hello." Maeryn replied as he slowly let go. "I something wrong? I saw your light was lit." Alec asked as he pulled away slightly to look into her grey-green eyes. Maeryn nodded her head. "Yes. I just can not seem to fall asleep, so I was reading a book." she explained. Alec nodded his head. "Want to talk for a while?" he asked as let gor of her waist and took off his coat. Maeryn watched him and was quite surprised to see modern clothing underneath it. He wore a simple black t-shirt, where his muscles where visible through, black trousers and neat shoes. "Sure." Maeryn replied as she laid back down onto her bed while Alec sat down on the side on the bed. "You can lay down if you'd like. Maybe alittle more comfortable?" she said, murmering the last bit slightly in shame. Alec chuckled but took off his shoes before laying next to her. "So, would you like to talk about?" he asked. "Well, I would like to know more about you." Maeryn said. Alec bit his lip slightly. His human life had been horrible but he was mostly affraid of what she might think of him after she knew about his vampire life. Not that he was ashamed or would change, but he was affraid he might scare her off. "What would you like to know?" he asked her as he watched her sit opposite of him and cross his legs. "Everything." she said. Alec sighed softly in defeat as he grabbed her hand into his and started to tell his story. “Well, I guess I better start from the beginning. I was born in England around 800 A.D, the son of an Anglo-Saxon woman and a Frankish soldier. I was born a few minutes after my twin sister, Jane. Both Jane and I had strong psychic abilities that were evident even in our human state.

Aro had shown interest in my sister and I since we were toddlers, but decided to wait until we were old enough to turn us., This was because the Volturi had already instated its rules about immortal children and, so left us in the care of our parents. Our talents had not taken a focused shape at that point, but bad things happened to people who were unkind to us or our family, and good luck followed those who were friendly to us. Eventually, the superstitious locals found Jane and I too frightening to endure. So, we were accused as witches and condemned to be burned at the stake.”

Maeryn frowned slightly and watched Alec, whom seemed to be staring at the wall opposite of him no longer noticing that Maeryn was there. He was back to his horrible past and the horrible moment of when they had been accused. Alec continued his story without pausing.

“Mother and Father had tried to safe us. Father had been killed by the house while mother followed us to the stake, screaming as the fire was lit underneath our feet. She had tried to reach us but someone hit her so hard on the head that her skull cracked. She also died infront of our eyes. However, the pain of the fire distracted us. Whilst burning alive, Jane focused on the pain and anger the humans caused her, thus manifested her ability of creating the illusion of burning pain in any one individual she focuses on. Conversely, while being burned, I focused on escaping the pain, and so my ability manifested into cutting off the senses of any human or vampire. Aro was apprised of the situation by a nomad who knew of Aro's interest in the Jane and I. Aro hurried to the village, arriving just in time to interrupt the execution. We were transformed at the age of about 18, making us one of the youngest vampires in the Volturi. But my sister and I are grateful for what Aro did. He saved our lives and gave us something even better. Power and immortality.” Alec said. Maeryn listened closely to what he said. She could almost see it infront of her, of the horrors that they had gone through. “We had returned to the village and took our revenge, ofcourse the bloodlust that accompanied us as newborns helped us wanting revenge. We killed every last person there was, showing them our true gifts that had gotten even more powerful after the change. Believe me, it wasn’t a pretty sight.” Alec said as he chuckled darkly. Maeryn bit her lip. She wasn’t used to Alec being slightly dark and sadistic, but she understood. The villagers had killed their parents and planned to kill them aswell.

Alec looked up with an apolitical look in his eyes. “I am sorry. I went too far.” He said. Maeryn gently squeezed his hand.  “It’s okay. I understand. I might have done the same thing.” Maeryn said. Alec smiled as he pulled her into his lap, burying his face into her neck once more. “Is that so, my innocent flower?” he murmered against her neck. Maeryn relaxed instantly. “I am not as innocent as you might think. I have killed a man before. And I do not feel any regret.” Maeryn said as she looked down at her hands. “Even though I do not know how I did it.” She added silently. Alec gently grabbed a hand into his and kissed it. “It��s your gift, amore mio. You were in danger and your gift protected you. Besides, you could kill thousands of people, but to me you would still remain an innocent flower.” Alec whispered as he gently placed his cold lips onto hers for a short while. Maeryn calmed down and smiled at him. “How does your gift work exactly?” she asked.

“Well, like I said, while being burned, I focused on escaping the pain, and my ability manifested into cutting off the senses of any human or vampire. I can selectively or completely block the senses of several people at the same time. When I use my ability, it manifests into the form of a shimmering black mist that slowly moves toward his target, and it cannot be affected by the physical materials, such as wind or gravity. Unlike Jane, I can affect multiple targets at a time. For this reason, my sister and I are the Volturi's strongest weapons in combat. However, while Jane's power works almost immediately, my power requires time to take effect. Since our gifts are long range, my sister and I fight from the sidelines, under the protection of bodyguards. My main purpose is to paralyze the senses of the guilty party, so they cannot flee or defend themselves during deliberation or execution.” Alec finished. “Do you battle a lot?” Maeryn asked. Alec smiled. “From time to time. Some vampires don’t like it that we are in charge and try to take us down. Stupid ofcourse.” He said as he played with Maeryn’s long hair. “And if I am changed, where would my position be on a battle field?” Maeryn asked as she was holding his other hand. “Near my side. We believe you can take down the guilty party from the sidelines as well, so there will be no need for you to be in the middle of it all. Plus, that way I could protect you and keep a close eye on you at all times.” He said as he kissed the vein in her neck once more. Maeryn smiled. “But don’t worry. We have never lost a battle before and we are not planning to lose any anytime soon.” He whispered. Maeryn smiled and moved her head so his lips where no longer on her neck. Alec frowned slightly but that frown soon turned into a smile as Maeryn placed her lips onto his. Alec held her close to him, being careful as to not harm her. He pulled away and laid her down next to him and tucked her in. “Get some sleep, amore mio. There will be enough time to talk about the past and future.” He said as he kissed her head and stood up. “Wait.” Maeryn said as she grabbed his hand. “You can stay if you like?” she said as a small blush crept upon her face. Alec smiled and laid back down next to her, gladly accepting her offer. Maeryn smiled and carefully laid her head down onto his cold, hard chest. On the exact spot where his heart should be beating, but all she heard was silence. But it didn’t bother Maeryn, nor did the coldness of his skin bother her, because soon she was drifting into a nice dream.

Alec looked down at his little flower and smiled. He imagined her with porcelain like skin and beautiful crimson eyes. He already loved her grey-green ones but as soon as they would turn crimson, would that mean that nothing could separate them any longer. Even though he knew he would be stealing her innocence and turn her into a soulless, blood drinking and killing creature, he also knew that that would be the only way to keep her safe and by his side forever. Even though these thoughts where very selfish of him, he wouldn’t care. Throughout centuries of living, he had always gotten what he had wanted. And right now, he wanted her. More than anything.

[mastrechef]

More Kingdom Hearts stuff just because I feel like it.

“I feel like I should know, that there should still be a connection that I could trace. But there’s nothing there.” Roxas growled and ruffled his hair in frustration. “Dammit, there has to be more I can do besides sit here and feel fucking useless.”

Sitting next to him, Ventus hummed in agreement. “I understand how you feel. I was with him for more than a decade. Sometimes I feel like I know him better than I know myself. Yet when I reach out to find his light...I can’t sense anything.”

For a while after that, the two sat in silence, watching the sunset from the top of Twilight Town’s clock tower. Things had been awkward between them at first, what with being near identical at first glance. There were differences, but they were subtle: the shape of the jaw, the placement of the cheekbones, and Roxas’ eyes were a lighter sapphire to Ven’s royal blue. They probably said no more than three words to each other before returning to their own respective worlds. That changed after Kairi returned and Sora did not, and Ven began to seek out Roxas and Xion as the other two who had once resided in Sora’s heart. All three shared a unique pain at the loss of the boy who had gifted them with a second chance at life; the same boy whom none of them had truly had a chance to speak with.

“You two aren’t still brooding, are you?” The silence was broken by the arrival of Xion, three bars of ice cream in hand.

After a quiet thanks for the ice cream, Roxas smirked at Xion. “Nah, that’s strictly my job. Ven’s not the type to brood.”

“Well what type am I then?”

“You’re the sunshine and rainbows kinda guy. Nothing gets you down for long.”

“That’s not even remotely true,” protested Ven.

“No, I see what Roxas is getting at. If you’re upset about something, you seek out other people to talk to rather than hiding away and isolating yourself.” Xion turned to Ven with a sad smile. “That’s why you came to us in the first place, right?”

The playful atmosphere evaporated and turned pensive. Nothing about their situation was particularly normal, their bond even more so. Before all this, Xion and Roxas had at least been friends, with Ven as the outlier. Yet somehow, the trio fit together like long lost siblings. Now all that was needed was to return their missing brother.

“He’s out there somewhere, I know it. We’ll find him.” Her determination blazed as bright as the sun. Both boys could do nothing less than put all their faith in Xion’s words. So long as there was hope, they wouldn’t give up on the boy who saved them all.

...

There was something strange in the ease with which Yozora found him. Hiding from him was about as easy as trying to hide from a bloodhound. Despite hiding in the upper branches of a haphazardly chosen tree or losing himself amid the maze of clothing racks in some random department store, sure enough, Yozora was there. It was maddening. The only upside to this situation was that Sora felt no need to sleep, so at least he didn’t have to deal with being startled awake only to see Yozora looming over him. Getting knocked out by the guy on a regular basis was bad enough.

Of course there were also the nightmares that had plagued him since the botched Mark of Mastery exam. For a while he’d even been afraid to go to sleep, terrified that Xehanort would be there waiting and trap him again. He had pushed his concerns to the side in favor of more important things. There had been a lot to do to prepare for the final battle and no time to dwell on personal demons.

Being in this realm only allowed him to further ignore those particular demons.

Time passed strangely in this place. It could be hours or days between his meetings with Yozora, but it was impossible to tell for sure, and not just because it was perpetually nighttime. Anytime Sora lost focus or zoned out, he had this sense that time somehow sped up. Yet, whenever he returned to consciousness after a round with Yozora he felt as though no time at all had passed. Was this how Aqua felt stuck in the Realm of Darkness all those years?

There was nothing to do but think and wait for Yozora. He found himself pondering about the other boy’s words. What did he mean by ‘I was told to save Sora’ and what was he supposed to be saving Sora from? It couldn’t be from whatever this place was, since it seemed Yozora was the one ensuring he stayed stuck here. From death? Sora’s already saved himself from that fate once, even if the circumstances were different.

Sora was startled out of his musings by a familiar voice. “Aren’t you looking pathetic.”

He lurched in alarm, flailing his arms as he tried to keep himself from tipping over the edge of the roof he was perched on. He regained his balance and twisted around to see an unexpected figure. “Wha—Vanitas?”

“Did all your ‘friends’ ditch you?” Despite the harsh words, the usual arrogance and anger were absent and instead he just seemed...resigned. All the same, Sora would be on his guard; it was too soon to tell what Vanitas planned to do.

Sora shook his head vehemently. “My friends wouldn’t do that,” he insisted. None of them were the type to do that. (He carefully didn’t think about that brief time he had lost the keyblade in Hollow Bastion. And Riku leaving him behind when he gave in to the darkness didn’t count.) He eyed Vanitas in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

The question got him a bitter laugh. “Did you think I had gone for good? You can’t destroy darkness. It will always be there so long as there is darkness in people’s hearts.”

“I get that.” And he truly did. For all that he fought the darkness, he had come to understand that light could not exist without dark. They were counterpoints meant to balance each other. Just like there was no way to be happy all the time, to eliminate all negative emotions, but those happy moments were made all the more precious by the presence of the downs—so too must light and dark exist in equal measure. Besides, he was no stranger to the reality of the saying ‘bright lights cast deep shadows.’ (Distorted flashes of clawstearrendhungerRAGE came to mind.) “But what I meant was how are you here? This place...it’s...” He trailed off, not really sure what to say. This strange city was a complete unknown, seemingly unconnected to any other world that Sora had visited, except perhaps the Final World; but even so it wasn’t clear how he got from there to here.

“I told you before, didn’t I? I’m your shadow, so of course I’d be drawn to where you are.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. If you were able to find me, shouldn’t the others be able to as well?” There was certainly no shortage of people connected to Sora’s heart, although all his attempts to trace the connection back to them resulted in failure. But if Vanitas could reach him, then maybe it was only his end that was having trouble. Who knew how these things worked when you were technically supposed to be dead.

“If they can’t find you, that’s their problem. Hasn’t got shit to do with me,” he replied, face twisting in a sneer. Apparently fed up with their all too brief interaction, Vanitas started walking away.

“Wait! Vanitas!” A dark corridor appeared and he was gone. Sora slumped back. He wondered if Vanitas was able to leave this place, if he himself was the only one stuck here struggling to escape. He flopped onto his back with a groan. Back to waiting in boredom it was. Funnily enough, he actually wished heartless would show up here; that would at least give him something to do.

Some time later his question was answered in such a way that he almost had a heart attack. Evidently, his concerns about waking up to see Yozora looming over him were the least of his concerns, because waking up to see Vanitas looming over him was much more alarming. Eyes blown wide and heart fluttering like a caged bird, Sora scrambled back to put a little distance between them.

Vanitas only continued to frown at him, brows pinched together.

“You’re still here?” Sora asked after getting himself into some semblance of control.

“I should be asking you that.”

“I can’t leave yet.” Something instinctive told him that leaving wouldn’t be possible until he managed to beat Yozora. So soon after his latest loss, it wasn’t something he cared to think about. Might as well make the most of the other boy’s presence. “Can I ask you something?” A noncommittal grunt was his answer. “Why'd you want to join with Ventus so bad? You and he are two separate people now.”

The look Vanitas gave him openly conveyed his low opinion of Sora’s intelligence. Rude, thought Sora. “I’m nothing more than Ventus’ negative emotions that were pulled out of him. I was never meant to exist to begin with.”

“Yeah, well, neither were nobodies, but that doesn’t make Roxas any less real. He’s not just a part of me—he’s his own person with his own heart. And I don’t believe that you’re nothing but darkness and negativity. Even the deepest darkness has a light that never goes out.”

Vanitas scoffed. “You expect me to listen to your light-side bullshit?”

“I’m not just light, you know,” he snapped, suddenly irritated. “I’ve got my own darkness, same as everybody else. I fought on the light side, yes, but I was just doing what I thought was right. Light and dark...they’re not the same as good and evil—things aren’t so clear cut. Riku’s proof of that. Xehanort was wrong to do what he did, so I stopped him. Simple as that.”

An unreadable look overtook Vanitas’ face. Without a word, he disappeared again.

[lesslymelissa]

New Castlevania season surpassed the worst expectations and turned out to be so horrible, badly written and useless, that it makes you wonder how they even released this shit. First of all, it was a meaningless filler in a length of the whole season. The main plotline which they started since the first season didn’t move an inch. Then again, there was nothing to continue since Dracula has been killed. They could have adapted other Castlevania games about Alucard or Hector instead, but they chose to create a series original plot with Carmilla. And that was terrible decision, because without the game story Netflix writers could suggest only fanfiction tier development, and I mean fanfiction of the worst kind. There are absolutely nonsensical and disgusting pairings out of nowhere, that were made only for the sake of smut. They were tormenting characters, because that’s what many sadistic bitches like. And there was literally zero progression of the actual plot, since the writers obviously can’t make up anything interesting or original themselves. That was an awful pandering to brainless fangirls who only like smut fanfiction and don’t give a shit about personalities of characters or story. It’s very noticeable that the main screen-writer made comics before. He filled this season with typical and retarded cliches that teenagers consider to be ‘cool’, but they are pure cringe in reality. Needless nudity with random filler characters, accentuation on gore and constant dirty (and modern) cursing even from supposed to be nobles. All these things are just edgy banalities which can impress only kids and retarded adults who think that violence and sex make story ‘deep’ and serious. But they don’t. It’s a cheap way to catch attention for the lowest common denominator.

The most prominent example of useless filler shit was Isaac's storyline. Isaac is a token character for sjw to begin with. He is black and muslie (thanks for the reason to dislike this shitty character even more). It was absolutely needless information about his religion which they added only in the adaptation, because it’s trendy among sjw to defend muslies. Obviously there was nothing of sorts in the game and it added nothing to the plot. Like a token black character he was saved from everything first by Dracula himself, and in this season he turned into disgusting mary sue. He is absolutely evil - he literally wanted the destruction of all mankind and is a practicing satanist. How does it combine with him being a muslie and isn’t it offensive in itself I wonder? It seems the authors are braindead. A black muslie satanist, who is also presented as some kind of hero despite killing almost every passerby whom he doesn’t like. Is it a parody or something? But they were totally serious with this shit. Why the fuck does Isaac get away from everything even though he is turning people into hell monsters left and right only because they are ‘rude’ to him. He was acting like a touchy hysterical bitch. This scumbag already deserved to be killed, instead they are implying he could become some sort of a new messiah. What a load of bullshit. He had absolutely meaningless plotline with several long talks about nothing and fighting some random magician in the last moment only to get to a new magic mirror. Isaac is the most cringeworthy and disgusting character that an sjw screenwriter could possibly come up with. All about him is idiotic and pointless. It seems dumb writers went crazy from their Isaac wankfest.

Other characters didn’t get any important development too. Belmont and Sypha spent the whole season in random village which also added nothing to their story or the main plot, which is supposed to be a confrontation against Carmilla now. They just killed another completely generic hell monster in the end which was hiding in the church and that’s it. They were literally walking in circles around that church for several episodes doing nothing more. Very impressive progression and writing /sarcasm. That monster was only one of Dracula’s remaining servants, just realize how much the whole scale of the story degraded when the writers didn’t have game plot to rely on anymore. Reminds me of the Game of Thrones horrible ending after the writers run out of the books material. Belmont was completely overshadowed by Sypha, who became a pushy ooc mary sue in this season. Ridiculous considering that he is actually the main character.

But what I think was the most disgusting and nauseating are those horrible pairings the writers created for their revolting smut scenes. Of course all of it is completely made up filler, nothing like this was in the games. It was quite literally a writing on the level of horny teenage fangirls. The writers seem to think that if they are sadistic pieces of shit who like to torture characters that means everyone would enjoy it too. But most viewers are not sadists and always want a good resolve for their favorite characters. So, instead of giving Hector some kind of salvation and rescuing him from the captivity, which everyone wanted after the last season, those scum of a writers continued to make him suffer. They even turned it into some fetish it seems, alluding on making him ‘pet’ of new slut Lenore. That’s some shit straight out of garbage ‘kinky’ fanfiction. I can’t believe they actually showed this trash on screen. Hector is a main character of his own Castlevania game by the way. But here they constantly humiliate him and made him into a slave again, also forcing him into absolutely meaningless dirty pairing made only to show nudity. I don’t know who could like this shit except for brainless wankers and bitches who don’t care about characters themselves.

Another terrible bed scene involved Alucard with a pair of Japanese literally who characters. Again, random filler nobodies created only for a dirty scene with one of the main characters - that’s a textual definition of smut fanfiction writing. And they are showing it in a series, how much lower could they get? Needless to say, Alucard didn’t have any reason to suddenly get into bed with two suspicious strangers. All ‘development’ of their relationship consisted of them becoming his students. To which he also agreed unnaturally fast without a second thought. Why would he sleep with his students who he barely even knew? Just because he felt lonely? That motivation may seem alright only to retarded teenage fangirls and the writers on their level of intellect. Besides, Alucard isn’t even a full-fledged adult. He mentioned in the first season that his body matured very fast while he still was a child mentally. So they showed a sex scene with a child in a body of adult. That’s another level of low trash, it isn’t just morally wrong, it’s practically criminal. And why would Alucard even want something like this when he isn’t mature enough? He needed friends, not an orgy with some strangers. Absolutely horrible and revolting what they did with him, it’s also a disgusting OOC and complete lack of consistency and understanding of his personality. And of course it ended in the most stupid and edgy way possible, turning straight from obscenity into some retarded drama. What was their reason again for wanting to kill Alucard? Because he didn’t tell them how to move a castle? Why did they even need to move it? Also even if they wanted to make a trap for him, they could have locked those magical bracelets on his hands when they were lying on a grass together, for example. That disgusting scene was absolutely unnecessary. Filthy whores from Netflix writers team are making people feel disgust towards Japanese people after this nasty season.

Besides repulsive and smutty het pairings the authors also didn’t do any good with the only lesbian pairing they had. They could have left it to the viewers imagination whom they prefer to ship among the vampire girls. But instead they pushed for hypocritical tolerance again and forced their token white/black ship with Striga and Morana. Striga certainly has some lesbian vibes about her. But she could have make up a nice couple with Lenore. It would have influenced the whole plot positively, because then there wouldn’t be any disgusting humiliation for Hector. A pair with a strong warrior girl and a gentle cunning girl would have been very interesting and cute. They could even schemed against Carmilla together, they are smarter than her anyway. But instead we got another aggressive propaganda of tolerance with b/w pairing. Morana wasn’t interesting or nice, her only purpose was be a forced representation of the person of color in the group. Apparently even LGBT pairings can’t be free from this racial agenda.

Smut in this season was so obviously shown intertwined with boring and unimaginative battle to make a ‘cool’ edgy episode with violence and sex. Literally the level of what underage morons would consider impressive and exiting. That’s the most trashy, cheap and tasteless series I’ve seen. The writers deserve a slow and gory death on the stakes.

[vegetalass]

Dog House

GOD this fic has been the death of me!!!! i started writing it OVER a month ago after getting the idea at disneyland.... 

ive honestly put so much time into it that i cant read it anymore and it probably sucks since i cant tell if its good quality anymore...

but i hope its okay! i really am proud of it 

beside, i LOVE john wick so... it cant be too bad haha... *broken heart emoji*

i posted it on AO3 here if you want to read it with better formatting

Enjoy!!!!

Warning: contains light violence

John Wick/Reader - 5105 words. 

_________________________

i.

It is a beautiful day. The sun is bright, the sky is blue, and as the waves crash against each other in front of you, it seems as though the world is stuck in time with your breathing.

It is warm, and things are good, as you think about what you should name the tiny gray sand crabs that rest in the small green bucket by your feet. You watch someone in the distance lift their hands and wave at you, smiling from afar, the sunshine a blanket that blocks their eyes from meeting yours, and you push yourself to remember what color they are.

Though it is warm, and you are resting, suddenly, the world spins and you are no longer at the beach but on a cold floor, and the sky is not blue but deep red. Although they were just waving, you can hear the shots, taste the blood and then see as the light goes out behind the eyes of the only person whom you so desperately love.

The image of raised arms blur as they reach out to you in one final stretch, and though you can’t remember their last words, and you’re sure that you don’t want to, you know that they have asked you to take care of the only thing they have left besides you.

A dog.

A dog who is loved and warm and probably asleep, safe at home in wait of a person who is not you and never will be, as you are busy holding a dead body and screaming as you watch a man dressed in black walk away and never come back...

And you are... Oh, God.  

You are...

You...

You are at the dog park, and the sun is bright, and the sky is blue.

You open your eyes suddenly, hands clenched into fists, with your heart hammering wildly against the bones in your chest. Your pupils dilate and then burn, the sun seeming so bright against the backdrop of the green grass and dogs in your vision who bound about through the open park as though there is not a care to be had in the world.

Maybe there’s not, and God, you wish there wasn’t, but you’re not a dog and you don’t like the park. You have long since learned better than to live in some pretend world where you can spend weekends at the beach with all the people you love, because at this moment in time, they are all dead.

Except your dog, that is, and he’s not even really your dog. But you love him, so you save the complaining for in your head and just tell people that he was a gift rather than an inheritance after his original owner died.

You try not to focus on the past often, but it’s hard, especially now that you’re alone. It’s not like you crave love or anything like that, really, because you understand that all things come and go. It’s just that your idea of the future has always seemed to rest on the balance between finding peace and hope, and you have been ashamed to say that as of late, you are not someone who can be considered either peaceful or hopeful.

Not since you watched love die by the hands of a Heckler & Koch P30L.

Baba Yaga, you remember. The title always used to seem so silly.  

Whatever, you think, hands still clenched, eyes still aching, Those days are over now, and I’m at the park.

Even if you can remember every single shot and the moans that came from the dying body you held in your arms after a raid that you were barely lucky enough to escape from alive. You almost wish that you-

“Hello?”

Someone says and you jolt, the deep voice piercing the bubble of concentration you were lost in. You raise a hand to your heart in shock, as you gaze wide-eyed at a man who stands in front of you looking hesitant and apologetic for something that’s completely unbeknownst to you.

You didn’t even notice when he started standing next to you, his tall frame shading you from the sun as you try to look around him, confused.

“Yes?”

“I just wanted to stop and say I’m sorry,” he voices immediately, sounding weirdly concerned about something you gather you’re supposed to know about but don’t.

So you freeze, almost completely sure that you look like an idiot as you stare at this stranger with your lips turned down in what’s probably an awkward frown.

“What are you talking about, sir?”

“I...” He blinks at you, eyebrows knitted together in confusion, before his face softens and his dark eyes look down to avoid your worried gaze, “Sorry. Forget about it.”

You blink, still surprised that someone is initiating contact with you at all, before you nod at him slowly.

“Okay,” You hesitate, unsure of what to call him, and what he could’ve meant by his words. He doesn’t seem like anyone you could’ve met before, but you still can’t shake the odd feeling that you have when his eyes bore into yours, “You are...?”

“John.” He replies slowly, almost in a sad way, and you smile back at him absentmindedly, trying to forget the embarrassing miscommunication that just occured as he reaches out to shake your hand.

Again, there is that familiarity to him, an uncanny edge to his presence that makes you feel like deep down, you’re supposed to recognize who he is.

However, you don’t bother wasting any more time with fitting the key into the lock of figuring out who he is, because you find everyone to be slightly familiar now, most faces blurring once you decide whether or not it’s worth it to keep looking at them.

Deep inside, you know it will never be the same.

Nobody is the same.

Besides, by now your concentration has slipped again, as you are distracted by a dog in front of you who is wagging its tail, its little gray face smiling at you as though you are some kind of angel in heaven.  

Which you’re not, but the dog wouldn’t know that.

“Is he yours?” you ask, shielding your eyes from the sun as you reach out to pat his head, once, twice, and then over his ears. The dog’s eyes squint in a deeper smile, so focused and intense that you almost don’t notice the way that John is glancing at you.

“Yes,” he says, relieving some of the tension between your awkward silence, “Do you have one?”

You turn to him, gazing at his profile, before you point, eyes glazing over the crowd as though you can’t remember who you’re looking for.

“I’m watching him for a friend,” you say, distracted by the happy wag of your dog’s tail in distant sunshine as you glance back at John as he nods.

You think of the beach, the sand crabs, and then of the guns that robbed you of that day and all others that could've been like it, and how much a dog enjoys playing in water.

You go silent again.

“...Name?” Johns voice startles you once more, just like when he first spoke, still deep and powerful, and you have to stop yourself from flying off your chair for a second time.

“What?” you turn your head toward him, blinking like a stupid, sitting duck. You never used to get distracted by boys.

“I said, do they have a name?” he smiles, hesitantly, almost kindly, even though you can tell that he knows that there is something deeply wrong with you that you are never going to explain. Not to someone normal.

Not to him.

“Oh,” you laugh, feeling breathless and slightly embarrassed, trying to play off the fact that you’ve already lost yourself again in that far-off world where you’re still on the beach, and still with the people you love. Even if it feels like a different earth entirely now that it’s gone, the sunshine at the park keeps reminding you of that day.

You thought you knew better than to play pretend, and you’re unsure of what to say, realizing very quickly that you don’t have a name for the animal, at least, not a new one, and you blink, nose scrunching, before trying to reply in a way that won’t make you cry, “I actually, uh… don’t.”

It’s not funny, but you laugh nonetheless, and as he raises an eyebrow at you in confusion, you do your best to smile, at least so he doesn’t question why.  

“That’s strange,” he says, in the midst of your childlike giggle, sounding more confused than upset, “My dog doesn’t have one either.”

Though you fall into silence again, being stunned by his response, it’s only after you take another five, okay, maybe ten peeks at him at your side, do you find that you are no longer thinking of the beach, or of the blood that is stained on your hands, but on the fact that John seems to be glancing at you, too, and you don’t have to guess why.  

He seems nice...

Kind of.

ii. 

You dream of a man dressed in black, but you never see his face.

You are sad, and wake up with wet cheeks, but when you finally open your eyes, it seems as though the clouds did all the crying for you as it rains sheets outside your window.

You are going to die.

You are going to die, and the last thing you can think about is the man in your dreams, the dark suit he was wearing, and the gun in his hands, a Heckler & Koch.

You can’t say that you know what love is anymore, though part of you wants to say that one day, you could.

However, you’re still not really that hopeful for the future, and it’s been too long since your last… romantic adventure... that you don’t really think that dreaming of some kind of evil monster in a nice outfit really constitutes as being romantic, and hits the bullseye more for being creepy, instead, especially since you  are  about to die.

Besides, you’ve been thinking about John-From-the-Dog-Park (as you’ve taken to calling him) a lot more than you should’ve been lately, and it’s probably weird to be grouping the two of them together whenever you think about what it would be like to start dating again.

Deep down, you know that being in love would be too hard, as you’re busy taking care of a dog you did not want and still wake up screaming every night because of the way your last relationship ended. But there’s another factor that hangs heavy over your head, and it’s because you have since restarted the process of accepting dangerous jobs you know you’d might not complete again, all for some dumb gold coins.

And this is the part that’s not a dream, even though it all feels so similar.

Though you can’t say that you were expecting this outcome to be your end, it doesn’t really surprise you that you’re going to die distracted and lost on the floor of some restaurant bathroom you have never been to before.

You hadn’t wanted to start working again. In fact, even the thought of seeing that damn leaderboard one more time made you shake, but you couldn’t stop yourself from charging up your old phone and digging up your gun from under a pile of years old blankets after at some point deciding that there was no other way to move on from your past except than to die because of it.

And now, there’s nothing you can do to change your decision except to wait for the end and hope that your neighbors take care of your dog when they realize you didn’t make it back home.

They always said that life is fragile. That you had things to live for, goals to set. And in a way, they were right. You have a dog, and a long road to recovery, but if you were to make it, even if not very far, you had at least one more conversation with John-From-the-Dog-Park to make.

But you cannot ignore the gun in your hand, and the way your sweaty fingers burn with fever as you hold it against your chest. It’s almost as if the entire space around you is some kind of fever dream as you barely slid into the bathroom fast enough to hear the final shots being unloaded into your former coworker’s head just outside its door.

You are going to die, and it’s because John Wick is here, and everyone else who was hired with you to take him down is dead.

You swore to yourself that you’d stop taking jobs. You’d promised. But it’s hard to keep a promise when there’s no one to keep it for, and when you thought you’d gotten good enough at running away and then being presumed dead that you could always make it out of these situations alive. Not that Winston didn’t give you a monstrous earful when he heard your voice for the first time in years after you called to ask who is standing chairman, but… he believed you were dead, at least.

You had wanted to apologize for running away, but in the end, he was right. If John Wick can’t escape, then neither can you.

And that’s why you’re going to die: because John Wick is here, and you can hear his footsteps approaching the locked bathroom door from which you are hiding behind, and the only thing you can think to do is long for things that are just quite out of reach.

Peace, for one. Love, another.

In their absence, you forgot what it felt like to be scared. To be sad. To realize the fact that your dog would be alone once more in a world where you never get to see the beach again.

But beaches don’t usually have guns, and the one in your hands reminds you that it’s waiting to be used just as the bathroom door creaks open despite the prayer you made when hoping that it wouldn’t.

Even though you know that you should probably be praying, you can’t help but think of the man in your dreams instead; the ghost, his gun, and then the color of someone’s eyes. You can barely remember who they belong to before you’re finally able to squeeze the gun in front of your face as though closing your eyes might be a shield that saves you from dying.

From John Wick.

You think about John-From-the-Dog-Park, and it’s only when the footsteps stop and the room rings in silence as you look up and see him that your brave facade falters and you realize the truth.

“John!” You half sigh, half scream when you finally manage to pry open your eyes all the way to take in the sight of the familiar man dressed in black peering down at you as if he were some kind of half-wit assassin.

You can’t tell if he’s shocked to see you, as by the time he is opening his mouth to respond you have already climbed from your slippery spot underneath the sink and left your gun behind to dive straight into his arms and heave.

Bloodstained and sweaty, as your fingers wrap around his waist and you sob into his chest, it’s only when he rests his hands on your shoulders that you realize how you distraught you were at dying. Part of you wonders if maybe the reason you’re crying is because you’re relieved that now, you don’t have to.

“What are you doing here?” John asks, distressed, sounding like an angrier version of the person who always startles you at the park.

It would be scary, except that you do not care if he’s upset and ignore the question. Ignore the fact that John, your John (at least, the one from the dog park) is  the  John Wick and was this close to killing you.

You knew he looked familiar.

“I said-”

You shush him, finally allowing yourself to release him from your grasp, using your dirty hands to smear grime across your face as you try to clear your eyes and nose of snot, tears, and blood so that you can look him in the eyes. You don’t know where he put his gun.

“I thought you were just some random guy with a dog,” you laugh, the same way you do when you’re trying not to seem bothered, which is uncharacteristic for someone who was about an inch away from dying.

“I didn’t know you worked here,” he responds, unmoving.

When you try to continue to smile, it falters instantly when John’s face doesn’t change to mirror yours and his lips do not crook upwards even the slightest bit. If you were happy to see him, he looks almost enraged at seeing you, and you can only whisper in return.  

“I’ve been meaning to quit,” you shrink backwards, your hands now at your sides, as you realize you hadn’t managed to think far enough ahead to wonder what you would do if you didn’t die.

Which you didn’t.

“I think… I should go home now,” you decide out loud, feeling as though the way he is staring at you in silence implies that there is still a chance he might kill you, but you continue to look in his eyes nonetheless, “But it was really nice to see you.”

You begin to hobble away, resting a hand on the cool wall next you while you stupidly turn your back on a man who you are well aware is not kind. A man who has lost more than most people could imagine. But you don’t worry, you don’t even have the energy to, and decide that if he kills you, it would probably be a good thing.

Besides, you’ve only really spoken a few times, and you know that you have both lost the same thing.

He’s just the one who did all the killing.

You stop walking.

“John?” You ask suddenly, not looking back, the empty air responding in the only way you need, “When you apologized to me, did you mean it?”

You can envision face, the way his lips are always in half a frown. You can see his hair, it being just that little bit too long. And you can remember his eyes, and how they look at you as though you are someone he thinks will never be normal, because they always look the same as when you were holding that damn dead body.

You didn’t even recognize him. It was a miscommunication. You were someone else.

But you know now. The dark suit, the Heckler & Koch, and the way he didn’t kill you.  Again.

You look at him, and you realize the reason why he was saying sorry was because he had killed somebody who you had loved, and that he had known the entire time.

The realization makes the world spin, and what little light is shining in the bathroom begins to make you feel sick. Your eyes blur as you begin to cry again, your hands now too limp to wipe your face of the tears and your body too tired to keep you standing upright while you process the new information.

“John,” you gasp, just as you begin to collapse, reaching out for him in the hopes that you don’t end up on the ground.

While you do realize that there’s a lot you should probably start being angry at him for, such as how he robbed you of the one thing you’ve been holding onto for years, the only thought you can seem to process is how warm his body is when he does manage to take your hands in his and pull you to his chest before it’s too late.

Nestled in arms, it doesn’t take much of an effort to close your eyes and pretend that he is someone else, and that this whole night never happened.

John’s voice is low, his lips close to your ear when he finally speaks, killing your fantasy almost instantly, “You didn’t recognize me, did you?”

You continue to weep, shaking your head no while you cling to his body. There are words you wish you could say to him; angry, nasty words. Yet, for some reason, nothing comes out when he finally takes your face in his hands to look into your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he says, before you can manage to speak, one hand back to holding yours, the other pressed into your hair. You’d feel guilty about this, as though you were the one pressuring him into responding this way, holding you like this, but you can’t bring yourself to move, and are so angry that you hope it hurts him to touch you like this, too.

You remember the beach, and how easily the sky can change from blue to red, and you suddenly think of the man in your dreams, the one in the suit, and decide that he sort of looked like John. At first, it makes you feel worse, and part of you boils with rage while you try to come to terms with the understanding of what he’s done to you. But there’s another part of you, one that you’re not sure whether to be grateful for, that also reminds you of how in love you could’ve been with the man you met at the park; the one with the happy, gray dog, if you had just decided to move on.

But it's not that simple, and these versions of people in your head just ended up being the same person.

Your body aches, but you shudder in relief when you finally release John’s neck, trying to avoid looking into his eyes one more time by using your dirty fingers to smear grime across your face. While you can’t say that you’ve forgiven John-From-the-Dog-Park for being John Wick, you still try to focus on the positives: that you are not dead, and you can finally go home to feed your dog in peace.

You should know better, as John breaks the silence first. John Wick, that is.

“Do you need a ride home?” he asks, reaching out for your hand. Though you want to say no, you can’t help but nod, still unable to look him in the eyes in fear of blushing at the man who killed the last person you loved.

iii.

Once again, it is a beautiful day. The sun is bright, and the sky is a beautiful blue. This time though, you are not at the beach, but at the dog park, and your dog is racing against the wind next to another dog you have seen before but do not know the name of.

You try to call out, voice swallowed by something you can’t place, but you don’t really mind, because it’s warm out and you feel sleepy. You watch as your dog runs towards another, a friendly looking gray one, and realize that John must be close by.

So you smile, feeling contented with this dream version of your favorite killer and his dog in a world where he is not a killer and you can be together...

But something doesn’t feel right, and you...

You...

You open your eyes to the sudden sound of knocking, before you realize it is too late to answer and the door to your house swings open in haste.

It is John, except this time he is not dressed in black and he is not covered in blood, and he looks so funny in contrast to the person you always think about, even if you’ve seen him in his pair of sweats before.

“Hi, John,” you smile, eyes closing again, chest stuttering slowly as you suck a breath through your teeth.

“Are you…” he pauses, seeming unsure about the sight that’s in front of him, “Have you been shot?”

“Yea,” You say, squeezing your eyes shut with your fingers pressed against your side. You know that you’re bleeding all over your ugly old couch, but for some reason you can’t bring yourself to mend the wound and save the cushions, as by this point, it’s probably too late to try.

“How?”

“You know…” you wave your hand around, blood trailing down your fingers, and you know that John is most likely thinking of the night when he decided not to shoot you and then of the next time he decided not to shoot you and instead sobbed in his arms, “Work.”

“I thought you wanted to quit?” he asks, though it comes out more as an accusatory statement than anything else. You wish you had a better response, a better excuse, but the only thing you can do is grunt, eyes closed, while you focus on trying not to bleed out.

You can remember the leaderboard and the assigned mission, firing your gun, and then escaping, but your memory stops at the part where you managed to get caught and then torn open by someone else with a firing weapon.

It’s probably not important now, because John is still hurrying to your side, seeming concerned if not just polite, and then lets you reach out a hand for him in a way that seems a little bit familiar.

“Hey, John?” you ask, not waiting for a response before you continue, “Do you ever think about how things could be different?”

He stays quiet, as you have noticed by now that he doesn’t usually respond to your comments, but when you open your eyes to peek at his face, he looks pensive rather than like someone trying to ignore you. He catches you staring, and his face twists in a way you cannot read.

“Yes,” he says, at this point now kneeling by your side.

You nod, your fingers wiping your sweaty face, and he reaches out with a cloth to wipe for you, as you’re sure there’s more blood than tears in your eyes now by the way his handkerchief stains red.

You remember the beach, and how the slaughter that robbed everything from you also gave you a dog, which in turn gave you the dog park where you first met John.

Life is a cycle, you think, and this is the part that’s always shown as an arrow instead of a picture.

Dying.

If this were a different life, and you were not an arrow, maybe John would look at you differently. Maybe you’d both have different jobs and he wouldn’t have to watch you bleed out on your couch as you slowly forget how you even got home.

Maybe he wouldn't have taken up two spots in your mind.

But this is your life, and you are dying, and the last thing you can think about is him.

“I’m going to call a doctor now,” he says, standing up, but you reach for him, grabbing his wrist with your bloody hand, smearing red across his arm.

He blinks at you, puzzled, confused, and you’re sure that he’s wondering why you haven’t passed out yet.

“Wait,” you whisper, blinking up at his face as he hesitates, “Tell me again what they call you?”

John looks confused, but humors you anyway, even though it's not funny, “The Boogeyman?”

“No,” you whine, though it ends up sounding more like a groan, “The silly name.”

“Baba Yaga?”

You attempt to laugh, but heave instead when the gasp you let out causes your wound to burn and forces you to let go of John. As you press your hands against your side, he pulls himself away quickly and sighs when you still manage to pout at him.

Though you recognize his behavior as kind, you still can’t help but think of what you did to deserve this; bleeding out and then being forgotten all over again.

You can remember the first night he walked away, the night when you were screaming so loud you were sure the whole of New York City could hear you. The same night you watched love die, and you don't even know if John was married at the time.

In your stupor, you wonder what his wife must’ve been like, and if you are anything like her.

“You’ll be fine,” John whispers, but his voice still cuts your thoughts in half as you notice that he is staring at you, distracted by something of his own creation as his large hands move to pull an ugly pink blanket from underneath your feet to lay across your wounded body.

You’re not sure if he’s right, but you nod anyway, despite the fact that by now, you can hear his footsteps heading towards the door, feel the fading of his warmth, and when you do manage to open your eyes in one final burst of anxiety, see as he has already turned his back toward you to open your front door to leave. This time, when you reach out for him, you are reminded of the first time you lost someone who you loved.

“John,” you croak, and he stops to listen even though one of his feet is already out of the door, “We should go to the beach sometime.”

He nods, and you watch his lips to see if they twitch upward, even though in some ways, he looks as sad as when you first met him on that day when he tried to apologize.

“Thanks,” you whisper, watching as he finally leaves, hoping that if he saw your smile, you had managed to swallow all the blood in your mouth.

He hadn’t smiled back.

iv. 

You are at the beach again, except that this time, you know that you are dreaming.

Still, the sun is bright and the sky is blue, and the water looks extra beautiful with a happy gray dog that splashes in its waves next to one that looks like your own.

You do not have a bucket of sand crabs at your feet, or someone close to you in the water, but you know that there is a man dressed in black somewhere nearby and that if you were to look for him, that he would wave back at you.

Even at the distant sound of sirens that go off, which seem louder with every passing second, you smile, opening your eyes to look for him, hoping that this time, he doesn’t have a gun.

[mst3kproject]

802: The Leech Woman – Part III

I’ve devoted a review to the terrible characters in The Leech Woman and another to its nasty misogynistic ‘message’, what’s left?  As it turns out, plenty.  The next layer down in our Leech Woman Tira Misu of badness has several ingredients that just wouldn’t fit with the themes of either of the previous installments.

The script frequently feels a need to explain what’s happening on screen, which is sometimes helpful but equally often kind of insulting, since characters are telling us things we can clearly see for ourselves.  A Nando dude has his face pushed into a pot of misty stuff and is then dragged stumbling over to the sacrificial block, and David declares “he’s drugged!” as if we wouldn’t be able to tell.  Moments later, the man’s pineal gland is carved out – this does require some narration, since the visuals aren’t self-explanatory, but the “he’s adding the pineal hormone to the Naipi” a moment later really doesn’t need to be there.

The intense use of stock footage is also a form of this.  We know that the characters are going to Africa, and we see them hiring a guide and tramping through a jungly-looking set, only to also be shown reams of animal stock footage that has basically nothing to do with the story.  The only time it has any bearing on the plot is with the leopard that supposedly follows June.  The rest is padding, there to emphasize (as Crow observes) that we are definitely in Africa, as if the audience couldn’t already tell.

A few bits in this part of the movie are shot outside, pretty clearly in California rather than anywhere near Africa.  Others are obviously in ‘jungle’ studio sets, and you can really feel how closed-in and artificial these spaces are, especially when contrasted with the wide-open savannahs and broad skies in the stock footage.  I guess I can say in the movie’s favour that it looks more jungle-ish than Jungle Moon Men did, but there are places in Canada that look more jungle-ish than that, so it’s not really saying very much.

The most egregious use of stock footage in The Leech Woman is in the Nando village, where we see some shots of people dancing in Real Africa before cutting back to extras in Hollywood Africa.  The two sets of footage look nothing alike.  The people in the documentary shots are dancing in a practiced, purposeful fashion.  The ones in the stuff filmed for The Leech Woman are just kind of flailing and bouncing.  The juxtaposition is kind of like splicing shots of trained ballroom dancers in with video of the junior prom and pretending it was all part of the same scene. This extends to the costumes, with the ‘real’ dancers wearing elaborate ceremonial beadwork and the actors in crummy kilts and geographically inappropriate tiger skins.  The latter still look nothing like the shower curtain Malla’s wearing when she reappears.  The only costume that had effort put into it is that ridiculous tusk headdress the high priest wears.

The Nando themselves are a plot device, rather than a people. They are Privy To Wisdom the White Man Hath Forgotten, but they’re also very much superstitious savages, with their regular human sacrifices and habit of killing anybody who tries to talk to them. None of them have lines and except for Malla and the high priest they are basically indistinguishable from each other – this keeps us from feeling sorry for them when their village gets blown up.  The only ones we see up very close are Malla, whom we will soon learn is planning to kill the heroes, and the priest, whose face is hidden.  They are dehumanized and, with their job of introducing June to the Cure for Old done, they are dismissed.

That would be pretty standard for a fifties jungle movie, but there’s one rather out-of-place bit that seems to be there just as gratuitous racism.  When David goes back for the dynamite, under the pretense of giving Malla a necklace, one of his guards takes a moment to steal some of June’s other jewelry from the luggage.  Why?  What value does it have to these people who live in the middle of nowhere and don’t appear to trade with the outside world? The event never has any impact on the plot, even though June later uses jewelry to entice her victims… come to think of it, why did she have that stuff with her on a safari anyway?  If this isn’t just a throwaway moment of lol, black people are thieves, it seems to just be a little reminder that the Nando cannot be trusted and that we shouldn’t worry about David blowing them up. Doesn’t quite work when he also steals their stuff on the way out, does it?

And of course, the ending sucks.  Rather than facing any sort of consequences for her crimes, June simply throws herself out the window, leaving Sally dead in the closet and Neil and the police wondering what the hell just happened.  The withered corpse we see under the window is obviously a mannequin, and doesn’t even look like June.  And as with far too many movies of this vintage, there is no denouement. We don’t know if Neil ever understands that June and ‘Terri’ were the same person, or why Sally was killed.  We don’t see him realize what he’s lost by allowing himself to be dragged around by the dick.  The movie just ends.  They couldn’t have spent two minutes on that instead of on random animal footage?

After going through all the many ways in which The Leech Woman is a terrible and frequently offensive movie, how it hates men, women, black people, white people, and anybody stupid enough to watch it, I guess it needs to be asked: why do I enjoy it so much?  I think partly it is because it’s so non-denominationally misanthropic – it hates everybody, and while it saves special venom for unattractive women, nobody else comes off well, either. Another, as previously mentioned, is how it doesn’t bother to have any ‘good’ characters.  The protagonist of the movie, as in the person through whose eyes we watch it and whose arc we follow, is June – and she’s an insane, selfish murderess!

I do tend to like movies that focus on a villain’s journey.  There’s Lady Frankenstein, for example, in which Tanya Frankenstein carries the whole movie despite the fact that she’s evil to the core, and in the end is destroyed by her own creature as he realizes that he, like everything else around her, is just a tool she’s using to further her own sense of self-importance.  There’s the similarly-titled Countess Dracula, which is what you might get if you imagine a version of The Leech Woman that actually tries to convince you Neil is the hero but still doesn’t have him actually do anything. And there are Hammer’s Frankenstein movies, which are all about Peter Cushing’s Victor Frankenstein with the inconsequential ‘heroes’ simply revolving around him.

Why are these characters so much more interesting than the heroes who are trying to defeat them?  I think it has to do with the fact that these villains are proactive – they are taking steps to go out and get what they want.  Victor Frankenstein wants to prove his latest theory, June wants to watch men fall at her feet when she smiles at them, and they both believe the means justify the ends.  The ‘good guys’ of the movie, on the other hand, are merely reacting to the evil plot they’ve discovered.  In light of that, it’s also interesting to ask why it’s so often women who take center stage in this kind of movie: as well as June, I’ve mentioned two examples in the previous paragraph, with Tanya Frankenstein and Countess Elizabeth. This is probably because women in movies of this era are not supposed to be proactive in getting what they want, or even to have wants at all besides to kiss the guy at the end.

This type of movie also suggests that evil, being intrinsically selfish, will ultimately destroy itself.  The good characters, where they exist, are victims or completely irrelevant – the closest things The Leech Woman has to ‘good guys’ are Neil and the detective, the former being helplessly in June’s thrall and the latter not even showing up until the movie’s almost over and then having his job done for him by her suicide.  Since these characters don’t try to do anything about their situations (Neil doesn’t even realize he’s in one), they’re not at all interesting, and the villains command the movie all the more.  This would lead one to think that the ‘message’ of the movie is the same as the one I pulled out of Outlaw, that bad things will just go away if you wait long enough.

In some cases that’s probably true (it’s going to work for the Earth – us humans will kill ourselves off soon and the rest of the biosphere can get back to business), but The Leech Woman also serves to emphasize that letting evil destroy itself will cause far more damage than if somebody tackled the problem before it got that far.  If Neil had actually cared that ‘Terri’ was destroying his relationship with Sally and tried to leave her, he might have saved himself a lot of trouble.  In fact, what would have happened then?  Would June have gone off to find another victim, or would she have become more aggressive in her pursuit of him in particular?  Would he have maybe cottoned on to what was happening and come back to save her next boyfriend from suffering a terrible fate? Oh, hey, look – I just wrote a better movie in three sentences, again.

I think that’s about as much Leech Woman as I can take.  See you next week – I don’t actually have that many more of these to do, do I? Thank you all for hanging in there with me.  We’re on the home stretch now!

[alexben10blog]

Chapter 3

Ben left the school just to hear the bell, he had to find today more material for the communicator of Azmuth, almost it runs out of electronics in his house and in the dumpster they had already cornered him twice, so it not was an option.

Adjusting his backpack, he makes sure not to crash with nobody while he was on the sidewalk aimlessly in mind.

―Did you have any idea where you go? ― Azmuth look over the backpack feeling Ben it was walking for a while without getting anywhere.

― Eeeeh. ― He was not lost; he just could not find a place to go.

―Benjamin. ―

―The arcade! ― He ran to see all the games, hoping to find a new one.

―And this arcade helps with our purpose? ―

― It helps me to have fun as the child I am, and for the truth I don´t know why are you complain. It´s not like you advanced with the communicator. ― A blow to the back of the neck. Ben turn to his back to claim him noticing a boy his age being cornered by three teenagers, who pushed him to the side of the building.

―Ben, don´t even think about it. ― He had spent enough time to know what is going on in Bens head. “This just bring troubles”.

Ben ignores the warning getting closer to the boys. The kid at bay it´s look like his aged, he had dark hair and dressed like an emo while the others are dressed like his dad will said “juvenile delinquents”.

―Now you are going to pay, freak. ― Ben frowned to that words. The emo boy was nervous; even though he wants to hide it.

―C´mon guys, I´m sure we can reach an agreement. ― It isn´t supposed to be this way, he was just going to steal some of their money and leave on the same day of the city, but these guys were expecting him in the bus stations and not stop to looking him.

The glaring of anger for the three boys it was enough for him to know this not will be a pretty moment. He is so screw.  

― Here is! Here are police! ― The three boys looked behind them to find nobody, when they turned around with the boy who was harassing, he was gone too.

―What the heck!? You said it was alone! ―

―Just find him, your dork! ―

Ben took the stranger out of the trouble putting the greatest distance between them and the boys until they need to rest in a corner when they thought it was convenient. The emo boy saw his "savior", he did not look like someone from the street or a bully. "Really just a good person?" He thought mockingly until he saw Ben's look that seemed happy to save him.

―Are you okay? ― He watching him to search for a clue of bad intention or this may be a trick, but he smile to don´t finding it.

―Yes, thanks there. I´m Kevin Levin. ― Stretch your fist-shaped hand I feel reciprocated by the gesture.

―Ben Tennyson. Why they were chasing you? ―

―Let say they just don´t like me. ― Ben just nodding before to repress a moan of pain. Azmuth was impatient itching the ribs, a clear sign to leave. ― Are you okay? ―

― Yes! It just a lump in my backpack it bothers me. ― Another bite and this time he can´t contain a shout. Ben give an anger glace to his backpack before to give a nervous look to Kevin.

―OK, I think I should go. ― “Finally” thought Azmuth. With a quick inspection for the emo kid it was clear it not someone to trust short answers and getting into fights, they were not synonymous of a good behavior. The idea of Ben stands with the boy dislike him. Obviously due to the fact that they lose valuable time in more productive activities, such as the construction of their communication and the work of Ben.

―There is him! ― Both turned to see the teenagers who were in a few meters of them. ― The other must be with him! ―

The children begin to run, putting more distance between themselves and their pursuers.

―Hey! Whatever you have done maybe if your apologies they leave alone, And in the way to me too! ― Both passed with agility between the people with whom they crossed. Kevin I see it with disbelief.

―What? That isn´t gone work! ―

―You´ve tried? ―

―N-NO, but- ―

― So how do you know!? ―

The teenagers were catching up. Kevin was sure that an apology would not solve anything, it did not make sense, but Ben's look really believed that it would solve it. "He does not know anything; he really thinks it's a simple dispute." Kevin twisted his face in a grimace, truly just a good person.

They stopped at the same time when they noticed the cars passing in front of them. They were in the center of the city, there was no escape here, not without the possibility of a car running over you. The three teenagers had them cornered.

―Now we had you. ― Ben give a loo to Kevin, this one just twisted his mouth without returning his gaze. They were going to hit a child who was just being a good person, one of the nil that he knows, because of him. “Is not my fault enough punishment?” He asks any deity who is listening.

The evil face of his persecutors changed to one of horror before running away from them, which confused both kids. A whistle began to sound in the air and behind them were ten black and purple humanoid robots that carried what looked like guns.

Kevin almost feel the slap the universe is give him. Ben took place in front of him taking out of his backpack his wristbands he put on before pointing to the robots.

―Kevin run! ― “He have to be kidding”. He could not face that, Things! He did not even know what they are. The robots start shooting Ben, who elusive until stay behind a car using it like a barrier. Kevin did the same, but far away from where Ben was.

Ben moved between the cars approaching the droids while firing as accurately as possible, allowing people to escape. "There are too many people". Already knocking down four of them, a shot from his enemy collapsed the car that protected him pushing him back and scraping his arms against the pavement.

―Augh, this one hurt tomorrow! ―

―Benjamin, be carefully. ―

Ben nodding, run away to covert again. One of the robots get close enough to corner it. About to shoot him the robot starts to sparks and shiver in place and then fall to the ground, behind him was Kevin with his hand raised full of electricity.

―Wow! ― The look of astonishment in Ben made Kevin smile proudly, something he did not normally feel about his abilities.

―Well, now you know why they call me freak. ―

―I said is cool. ― A shot near them brought them to reality. Ben took Kevin's hand down to the car he used as a barrier.

―Did you have any plan? You know beside not die! ― Ben saw around him a hydrant and a current cable that had been cut.

―How many electricity can you handle? ― He said pointing to the cables. Kevin smiled raising his hand.

― More than enough. ―

―Take everything you can I will bring you closer to the hydrant. ― Kevin went to the side of the car while Ben jumped on top of it, shooting them back until they were close enough. It was when he shoots the hydrant causing it to break and soaking them all. ― Now Kevin! ―

Kevin put his hand close of the puddle giving them an electric shock and destroying them all.

―That was crazy! ― Kevin just nodding for his words. In the distance they heard the police sirens. Kevin took the arm to Ben taking away.

―Hurry! We most to go! ―

.

.

.

―What is this place? ― Ben look around, Kevin took him an abandoned house. It was dusty and old, but it seemed to be where Kevin passed it.

― I'm staying here, for now ―

― And your parents? ―

― It does not matter, I'm on my own ― A peak in his ribs drew his attention to his back and he found some abandoned gadgets. - Do you usually get involved with these robot people? - Kevin dropped his weight on an old mattress watching as Ben grabbed the metal garbage.

― No, is like a new activity. ―

― A dangers activity. ―

― Say the boy is almost get hint ―

― Are you seriously comparing being beaten by teenagers with killer robots? ― Ben gave him a shrugged without guilty. Kevin took a look at the materials in Ben's hands. ― If you want, you can take it with you. It is not from anyone. —

―Really? Thanks! I really need them. ―

―To beat robots? ―

―Something like that. ― He kept everything careful not to crush Azmuth who was inspecting the material. Kevin crossed his arms, nothing he said would be valid enough to make Ben get away from danger like a normal person.

― If you need a place to hide or just escape. ― Kevin threw him an old cell phone. ― Call and ask for me, ok? ― Ben saw that there was only one number in speed dial.

―Whose number is this? ―

―Do you always ask so many questions? ―

.

.

.

―Ben! ― Ben arrived late in his home and with many new bruises all his body, it was not stranger that his parents approach it just when opening the door. ― What happened to you? ―

―Nothing mom. I´m fine, I just fell out. ―

―This is not caused by a simple fall. ―

― On a hill, and I rolled out. ― Sandra and Carl did not believe Ben, but decided not to say anything.

―OK honey. Then go to your room to clean up, dinner will be ready in a second. ― Ben went to his room leaving both adults alone. - What's going on with this boy? ―

― I don´t have idea Sandra. I don´t think he will talk to us. ―

―Maybe he will not talk to us, but if he were someone else? ―They both thought with whom they would talk; Grandpa Max was on a trip to prepare for the summer camp in which Ben would spend.

―Do you think will talk with Gwen? ―

―Someone your age, huh? It's worth a try. ―Carl pulled out his phone, it was time for a meeting with his brother.

[escapingreality1992]

The Calm Effect of Hearts Ch. 4

           A few weeks later after Bucky had come to take care of me while I was sick, work resumed its very busy schedule. Either someone was sick or they couldn’t be bothered to come in and I was called in multiple times and unfortunately wasn’t able to spend any extra time with my new friends. They had also hired a new girl whom it seemed I had to repeatedly train. My attitude had shifted from its usual calmness to a mildly irritated temper and I feared for the person that got on my bad side for the moment.

             This day was like no other; frustrating and tiring, plus it was unbearably hot and I was in no mood for interaction. The slightest thing could set me off and I was in the mindset for a break of some kind. Leaving work after a long day of vacuuming, I left to go home for some much needed relaxation, perhaps in the form of a long, hot bath and some alcohol, followed by some late night reading. Plans changed, however, when turning to walk to my car, I spotted two women casually leaning up against a sleek, black car that had one of those fronts that looked mean and intimidating.

           Walking closer, I recognized them as Natasha and Wanda form the other night at the tower and they immediately brought a smile to my face, my irritation slowly fading away.

           “Hey, Abigail. You look like you could use a drink. Long day?” Natasha greeted me first, pushing herself off of the car and embracing me once I got close enough to her.

           “Or several. Yes, it’s been a long day indeed. I should really say a long couple of weeks,” I responded, a laugh on my lips. They laughed at my comment and Wanda hugged me before offering up a suggestion.

           “What do you say we go get one then? Our treat. Let’s celebrate getting through it. Maybe go dancing. Let’s do something to get your mind of off it,” Wanda suggested.

           “Definitely. I know the perfect place too. My apartment,” I accepted, to which they both nodded.

           “Should we invite the guys or do a girls night?” Natasha asked, before we got into our cars. It had been too long since I had seen Bucky but I wanted to spend time with Natasha and Wanda more, given that I wasn’t really in the mood to put up with Tony’s antics and get into another bad mood.

           “How about a girls night? It’ll give us a chance to get to know each other better plus we could watch rom-coms and possibly dance around in our underwear, nobody to watch, not giving a damn in the world what anyone else thinks,” I answered, a grin spreading out on my lips as they both laughed. We got in our cars and took off to my apartment to dance the night away.

              A few drinks in and a lot of laughs later, we were all sitting on my couch, a movie as background noise, discussing interests and who was the hottest of our friends. Wanda had a mild crush on Vision while Natasha was interested in Steve and suddenly their attention was on me.

           “While we are on the subject, do you like Bucky? I mean, since you’ve met him you two seem like you hit it off. I’m asking mainly because the other night he was here, taking care of you. Don’t tell me there’s nothing between you two because I think there is. There’s some definite chemistry between you and him, I’ve seen it,” Natasha asked me, extremely blunt with her question.

           “I…I’m not sure I should-“ I began but Wanda cut me off.

           “Oh, come on. It’s just us and you can be honest about it. We won’t tell. Besides, he’s very comfortable around you. We noticed that the night he introduced you to the team. He trusts you completely and usually he’s closed off from everyone except Nat and Steve,” Wanda commented. They leaned in closer eager to hear my answer and I released a sigh, heat radiating off my skin at the blush forming on my cheeks.

           “I guess. Scratch that, yes, I do like him, very much. He makes me feel…I don’t know. Whenever Bucky’s around, I just feel like I can be myself, like…”

           “Oh my god. You’re in love with him aren’t you? He makes you feel complete doesn’t he? You should tell him how you feel. Tell him because I’m sure he feels the same way, because he needs you; you’re his anchor,”

           “I’ve seen the way he lights up every time we mention your name, every time his phone lights up with a message from you. Abigail, you’re his whole world. You bring him comfort when he feels that no one else can,” Natasha remarked, a giant grin plastered on his face. Heat warmed my face as embarrassment flooded through my insides. I did love him. I had figured that out the night he took care of me, but I didn’t want to be a distraction for him on missions; I didn’t want him to get hurt because of me.

           “I don’t think I can. Nat, I don’t want to be that distraction. What if he gets hurt because he’s thinking about me or if-“ I began, fear setting in.

           “You won’t be. If anything, you’ll be something that’ll make him fight more; someone that he can come to and escape for a while. You’ll be someone that has such an effect on him that can be his calm in the storm,” Wanda interjected, placing her hand on my shoulder, giving me comfort.

           I couldn’t have asked for better friends. They had supported me in this decision and I was glad for it and we resumed our night, switching off the movie and putting music on. Pushing the couch and the chair beside it back as well as moving the coffee table so we wouldn’t run into it, we danced and danced, throwing our worries away.

           We danced and sang to our hearts content, no surprises thrown our way. Well, that was until a knock sounded at my door, catching us off guard. This surprise was a pleasant one as when I opened the door and Bucky was standing outside in the hallway.

  Bucky’s POV

“Buck, would you stop pacing and sit down,” Steve stated, gesturing to one of the couches in the living room of the Avengers compound. I managed to do so for about five minutes before I got back and resumed my pacing.

           “Okay, dude, what’s gotten into you? Something’s got you amped up. Should it be something I need to be worried about?” Steve questioned, his expression filled with concern. I debated filling him in on my thoughts; afraid someone else was around to judge me. Taking a quick look around to find the giant living room was empty save for the two of us, I decided to tell him about my plans.

           “I like her. No, no, I love her,” I replied, receiving a confused look from my best friend. I meant Abigail of course and I had realized these feelings of mine about her ever since the night she was sick. We had shared a moment, even cuddled on the couch before I had left to meet my friends that night.

           “By her, I assumed you meant Abigail. All right, what are you planning to do about it? Are you going to tell her how you feel?” Steve asked, leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees. Thinking about it, I wasn’t sure if I should. There was a possibility she didn’t feel the same way and then friendship could be ruined. I didn’t want that; I didn’t want to lose her.

           “I want to. You don’t realize how much I want to, but what it she doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t want to lose that friendship, to lose her. I can’t. She’s…”

           “Important to you. I know. I see that every time she texts you, every time you mention her name. But, Bucky, I’m fairly certain she feels the same way. When I brought her here that night, there was something there and I don’t think you could ever lose her because of that connection, that spark that the two of you share,” Steve told me before he continued talking.

           “There is some magical connection between you two. She calms you and you protect her. It’s almost like there’s something that fits in the relationship that you two have, regardless of if it’s friendship or not. Tell her or don’t. Ask her out or don’t. What you choose to do is ultimately your choice, but you’ll never know until you try,” he stated. I nodded and stopped pacing, looking towards the front door. I strode past him, grabbed my keys to my motorcycle and headed to the one place I needed to be at this very moment. I made the most important decision of my entire life.

   Abigail’s POV

“Bucky, what you doing here? Is there something wrong?” I greeted him, wondering if he needed my help with something.

           “No, nothing’s wrong. Can I come in? I wanted to tell you something,” he answered, relief washing over me that is until I realized what he said.

           “Sure. Natasha and Wanda are here too. We were having a bit of a girls night but you’re welcome to hang out with us for little while,” I replied, opening the door all the way so that he could step inside. I was nervous about what he wanted to tell me, but also nervous because I wanted to confess my feelings about him and I wasn’t sure how he would take it.

           “Oh…I wouldn’t want o impose or interrupt your night. Um…can you come out in the hallway for a moment? It’s kind of a private matter,” he commented. I nodded, my nerves on full power and followed him out in the hallway.

           “So what’s up? I have something I want to tell you too,” I remarked, fidgeting with my hands. He chuckled and took my hands in his.

           “The thing that I wanted to tell you is that I have feelings for you. I really like you Abigail and I think that I might be falling in love with you. I don’t want to be friends any longer because I want something more than that. I want to take your face in my hands and kiss you. I want to wake up beside you one day, holding you in my arms. If you don’t feel the same, I can accept that and I’ll cherish your friendship forever but I wanted…needed to let you know how I truly feel about you,” he told me, surprising me.

           “Bucky, I like you too. Like you, I too think that I’m falling in love with you. I was afraid to tell you because I wasn’t sure if you might have feelings for me, but I also thought that if we were together that I might be too much of a distraction for you and I don’t want to see you get hurt. It would hurt too much, but I want you because you’re my everything,” I told him, receiving a smile from him.

           “Abigail, you could never be a distraction for me. You’re the first one I think about when I wake up and you make me want to fight harder and you’re the first one I want to see when I come back from missions. I know I have Steve and Natasha and that they’re my best friends but I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t see you anymore,” he reassured, pulling me in a hug and pressing a kiss on the top of my head. I loved his body pressed against mine and I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

           “I was wondering if you might want to go on a date with me. Something small, like maybe we could grab a coffee and just talk about anything. It doesn’t matter as long as I get to spend time with you,” he commented, those words snagging my full attention. I lifted my head up to look at him, smiling.

           “How about Friday night at seven?” I asked, receiving a smile from him in return.

           “It’s a date,” he replied, before releasing me and letting me return to the girls night. I smiled to myself, opening the door to reveal Natasha and Wanda standing at the entrance, hands on their hips.

           “We told you that he liked you. So did he ask you out?” Wanda stated, raising an eyebrow. I nodded and they both squealed in delight as we returned to the living room to discuss details about what I should wear on my first date with him. For the first time in my life I felt complete, but being with him was going to have its consequences. In fact, being friends with the Avengers was going to have grave consequences indeed.

[peculiarlylost]

Who really is Rachel Amber?

Read till the end. It will be worth it, I promise.

I think the whole point of Rachel Amber is for her to be a person who you see, but you actually never get to know. She looks like the "It" girl. Perfect parents, perfect grades, perfect house, beautiful, talented, intelligent. She is the perfect student, daughter, actress, model, psychologist, school secretary. She is a star which shines so bright she literally blinds everyone. She is fire, a passion, a dragon.... and to the pain of everyone involved she is, ultimately, a human being.

The problem with Rachel Amber is that it seems like she is used to people thinking she is flawless. She is used to getting her way and never having to face the consequences of what she does, because who she appears to be makes up for it. I think Rachel is so used to people projecting on her that they never truly see her and all her dark behaviours are usually done in the shadow... she has to live pretending. Is not only the drugs, party and sex... but the fact that she can be genuinely evil and manipulative in her ways and yet, the real world never seems to reach her.

Besides being a girl whose life has been so perfect she can barely tolerate a scratch in it before having an emotional breakdown (aka, her father having an affair). I am impressed at how she cheats, messes with different people, takes her rage issues out on others, gets involved in situation which can severely harm others (like drugging Victoria`s tea or getting Chloe skip school with her when Chloe has already enough problems with her records) she even starts a fucking forest fire... and yet people in Arcadia Bay, Chloe herself and plenty of the game players are STILL making excuses for this person. Rachel is a dark being, make no mistake, the problem is that nobody actually SEES her. When she banishes hardly anyone, besides Chloe, wants to find her... that's because she was a scapegoat in which the entire town projected it's light, she was never seen as a person. She was a ghost, a dream. When it became too much of a weight for Rachel to bear (all the expectations of people) she literally lit herself on fire.

Rachel does not care for Chloe. Does not matter what it seems to be... the girls have known each other for literally two days. Rachel is an actress. Rachel uses Chloe as a person with whom she can explore her dark side, and also somebody she can manipulate to do things she wouldn't do on her own (like run away). Chloe clings on Rachel because she is extremely alone, and puts her on a pedestal. Chloe is extremely lonely and has abandonment issues. The one difference is that Chloe and Rachel are not comparable characters. Chloe has lost her father, her best friend, is having to adapt to her step father, has problems at school, people treat her like shit and her economic situation isn't the best. Chloe is literally trapped in emotional angst and she escapes into self destruction, art and drugs. Besides her mother, Chloe has lost what she valued the most. Rachel Amber does not come from such context and can not be compared.

Rachel probably senses her father is having as affair... and all of a sudden Chloe would make a great friend... and also be an emotional punching bag? These two knew each other for a while and Rachel knows what spots to touch to get to Chloe. Chloe only idealizes Rachel, the same as the rest of Arcadia Bay, and Rachel prays on this. Chloe is a "what you see is what you get" type of girl, she is loyal and extremely reliable and Rachel uses this for her own means.

Ultimately destiny has its ways and Rachel meets Mark Jefferson. Having strong motives to have daddy and mommy issues is not a surprise Rachel would be attracted to a father figure (him). He is probably the one person she cant read and who is actually a better predator than her... she goes into his house and he eats her. Mark Jefferson is the monster Rachel Amber was looking to encounter, and she did, because her own inner demons were not too different. She was a beautiful predator, who just got eaten by a smarter one. Chloe is warned by William in before the storm "the fire is beautiful, but if you aren't careful you will get burned too".

In terms of Rachel's character and personality, we can see she is interested in astrology / psychology / certain aspects of spirituality. Usually, people who look deeply into astrology do so to understand themselves and those around them, a serious understanding of astrology gives you a bit of a advantage over other people, as you can know things about people they aren't even aware exist within themselves. You must not have a very defined sense of personality, if you need the stars to tell you the truth of who and what you are. This interest in the esoteric arts gave me the impression that maybe Rachel is more empty than she seems. When Max and Chloe find Rachel's body, there is a sign from a restaurant with a crab on it. Astrologically speaking, the crab is a sign of motherhood, probably meaning that in a fucked up way... Rachel is now finally back into her roots... into the Earth where we all come from.

Chloe speaks with her father in her dreams. Through symbols he warns her on what might actually be going on. Rachel is a beautiful star... but she is dead inside... she is a lie... just a bright light that you think is taking you somewhere, but there is a deadly emptiness to her. The point of astrology is that we protect into the stars whats is inside ourselves... all that beauty and goodness that Chloe saw in Rachel, truly was inside herself. But we also project our darkness... being a savior (and having her sun sign sitting into the sign of Piscis... the victim) Choe protected and saved Rachel... and did things for her that she probably wished somebody else would do for her. Lacking William and Max in her own life Chloe makes Rachel into this person she isn't, its all a projection. A starry dream.. and she lives that dream until Max comes back. To be someone who is "real" Chloe has a lot of problems listening to her own inner truth. For who is Rachel? "A destructive person. Someone who could never be satisfied by anyone or anything" (in the words of James) or " Fire is jealous Chloe, it wants all the beauty for itself, that's why you need to be careful" (in the words of William) In the end Rachel owes her life to both, Chloe and Frank... and what does she do? She fucks Frank, then she fucks Mark Jefferson... and thats it. She end's up dead in a dumpster. Which goes to probe she wasn't the untouchable light child she was raised to believe she was.

We are our roots, we do step into the same river twice and life does recycle back experiences, it isn't an irony that Rachel dies of an overdose. Every mother contains her daughter, and each daughter her mother. Nature works in mysterious, yet observable ways. We are our ancestors. The fact that Rachel seems to lack a free will and just walks into the destructive steps of her mother... just goes to show that you can run from your past, but you can't hide. Rachel probably never bonded with her mother, and her dismissal of the mother figure is shown when she only cares that "James lied" but doesn't really seem to take Rose into account... or even care for her.

I do not dismiss the idea that Rachel might have activated a course when she burned the tree. Rachel and Chloe are both essentially fatherless children, with the same ruthlessness that James would do anything to protect his daughter... does the storm destroy arcadia bay. The father (james) would literally kill the mother (sera) to protect the daughter (rachel) yet... in the turn of events it is mother nature who ends up bringing about order. I also think the game draws a big contrast in the topic "mother/father" there seems to be a big obsession with father (Chloe's father is dead, Rachel is the daughter of the DA, Nathan Prescott's dad is rich, Chloe's stepfather is an asshole.... etc) yet... what about mothers? What about Rose, Joyce, Sera... etc? I think the game characters are too centered on the father to even notice the role mothers are trying to play.

On Chloe: she will not be part of any club that accepts her as a member.... funny enough, some of the people in this game who are more blunt and outspoken we tend to think are assholes... yet we make exceptions for Chloe. Chloe constantly tells lies to her mother... maybe to protect her? and David, who also knows of lose (his best friend gets killed) so... is it really a coincidence that David end's up and Chloe's house... or do they have a similar energy that bind them together? There are people in this game who clearly care about Chloe: her mom, Elliot, even David. I was very saddened when I saw game players call Elliot a "psycho" and an "asshole" just because he tried to talk sense into Chloe... Chloe previously hooked up with Elliot, and even if forceful... I think Elliot did see Rachel for who she was. But what happens to the one's who do see the truth? they must walk away. Elliot SEES the truth and speaks it, so he can no longer stay in Arcadia Bay... therefore he exits the game. It was also funny to me that Rachel burns things, beats up Daemon with a piece of wood, smashes stuff...and in the other game Warren beats the shit out of Nathan Prescott and nobody says anything... yet Elliot pushes Chloe and breaks a snow globe and now he is a psycho.... right.

Everyone obsession to protect Rachel is almost sickening... yes, she might be sparkly and beautiful... but why wont anyone allow life to touch her? why is she so special she must be protected from everything? In the end, no matter if you tell her the truth or not, the result is the same... Rachel and Chloe stay in Arcadia Bay... which means that Rachel never truly meant to run away with her. They had 2 years to get away.

Chloe is with Rachel, the same way James was with Sera... protective, obsessive... never wanting to face the reality of the other person. Truth is painful as fuck... but it will only set you free if you allow it to do so. It takes a very strong soul to be real with someone... there is a difference between loving and relationships. Love is sacrificial, exciting, painful... even deadly. Relationship are a transaction. Sometimes they are based on truth, sometimes on lies. Everything has a currency and an explanation (if you want a perfect example on how to do relationships... look at Rose... the woman is perfectly put together, ready to negotiate, make excuses, be polite) make no mistake, there is a place in life for love, and there is also a place for relationships. The problem is when you confuse the two. The one difference here is that Chloe loves, and Rachel does relationships. Chloe sacrifices, Rachel manipulates. The currency here is that Rachel only care about having a father figure (which masculine Chloe would fulfill... until people like Frank and Jefferson come along) and Chloe wants a best friend and some real company (which Rachel would also fulfill.... but she'll never be Max or William).

The fact that somebody wants the truth does not mean they can handle it, the fact that you think you deserve love does not mean you have earned it. Like Sera said... after years of bad decisions... you just don't get to walk away into someone's life, you are going to live the consequences of your actions. I find that the honesty of Sera is very refreshing for a change.

I think game players would do good to stop making Rachel into this "entity" and see the game for what it is... a place in which (like real life) you can try your best, but it is nature and life's wisdom that has the upper hand.

and who really is the big bad wolf in this story? you tell me.

All credits to: Moon Seeea

I don’t agree with all he said, but it really opened my eyes.

I know that what he said is hella fucked up, but at some point mine amberprice heart brooke a little.

I love Rachel Amber, she’s probably the most developed character I have ever seen, and I know that she wasn’t just one thing, but this hitted me hard af, cause some part really made sense for me.

I’m hella sorry y’all.

[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

[asflowersfade]

Ficlet: Before I Go

MacGyver reboot, missing scene from ep 101. Nikki checks up on Mac.

Her handler told her that Mac was alive, that he was fine, but… Nikki has to see for herself! Because nobody should’ve gotten hurt. Nobody. Bumps and bruises, those were unavoidable, sure, but she didn’t plan on anyone getting shot, let alone Mac! 

Kendrick, that bastard! When she heard the shot, when she saw Mac fall, she wanted to abort her mission, to get Kendrick for what he had done and save Mac, but her handler refused. Stuff happens, he said. Stuff happens! That’s what he called Mac almost dying! Jesus Christ, she should’ve never gotten involved with the frickin’ CIA.

And that’s why Nikki needs to check on Mac and see for herself that he’s alright.

She’s hiding in a motel room, waiting to be contacted by the Organization or by her handler, whoever calls first, so she can’t leave. But she hadn’t been Mac and Jack’s tech support all these months for nothing.

Pulling out her laptop, Nikki starts typing, her fingers flying across the keyboard, and in no time, she’s digging through layers and layers of her old employer’s system; she’s the one who helped build it up, after all. She would’ve been a fool not to leave a few back doors open for herself, just in case.

Files, files, files… MacGyver, Angus… Status: ALIVE… Current location… oh, the local hospital. That makes her anxiety skyrocket. Thornton would’ve never let them take Mac to a local hospital if he had been in any shape for transport. Getting entangled with the locals always means a paper trail which is easy to follow. And that means… Just how bad off is Mac?

Nikki backs out of the database, leaving it running in the background, and steals into the hospital surveillance system; considering the amount of sensitive information a hospital usually stores, it’s way too easy. Sloppy, sloppy.

She doesn’t know under what name they keep Mac there - Thornton would never put that name into the system - but she can go about finding him another way. Camera at the main entrance…  yes, there. One of their agents. Another one at the elevator and at door to the stairwell… up, up… up… another one of their people on the third floor… and then… two at the door of room... 312. It’s like following bred crumbs. But that’s protocol for you. It’s easily used against you by people who know it as well as she does.

Still, that’s more people than she thought Thornton would send - it’s good that she didn’t try to sneak in in person, they would’ve spotted her in no time - but then, Angus MacGyver is a high value asset, not a common agent, after all. Besides, for these people, Mac’s more than that, more than a colleague. He’s their friend.

There’s Caroline whose elderly mother’s been in the wheelchair for years and Mac helped her build a special ramp at her home. And Peter whom Mac taught how to fix his car since he has a second child on the way and no money to spare for a new ride. And Joan and David and Carl… they all love Mac.

And then there’s Jack Dalton.

Nikki enters the “Think Tank’s” database once more and hits the surveillance subdivision. Knowing the protocol, there will be a camera inside Mac’s room, one their own, keeping an eye on Mac. Invasive? Yeah. But considering the threat, probably justified. And since she can’t visit him in person...

The image of the room pops up on her screen in stark black and white colors and Nikki’s breath catches in her throat. The quality is much better than on the hospital’s surveillance, carrying both image and sound.

Mac’s lying in the bed on the opposite side of the room, with the window on his left and the door leading out into the hospital corridor on his right. And he’s surrounded by machines, blinking away quietly. He’s asleep or unconscious, still intubated and with a big white surgical dressing on the left side of his chest. Just to the left and an inch or two above his heart.

Nikki grows cold. Her hands turn clammy and start to shake so hard the keys on her laptop rattle under her fingers. She didn’t know. She didn’t realize it was so bad…

The door in the room opens and Thornton walks in, dragging Nikki’s attention away from Mac. Immediately, a figure unfolds from a chair in the corner of the room, hidden in the shadows - Jack Dalton.

As Nikki suspected, he’s right there, with Mac. He probably hasn’t left Mac’s side ever since he pulled Mac out of the water - Nikki’s handler told her that it was Jack who saved Mac. Nikki likes Jack Dalton. He’s not as brilliant as Mac, but then almost no one is - in the privacy of her mind Nikki admits to herself that not even she’s as smart as MacGyver, and she wonders if that was the reason why she accepted this assignment and started working for the CIA, to prove something to herself and to him - but he’s loyal. Nikki has never met anyone as loyal as Jack and all his loyalty belongs to Mac, not to their “Think Tank” and not to their team. To Mac. She’s always been a little jealous of that, of their relationship, if she were perfectly honest.

Thornton and Jack step up to Mac’s bed and start talking and Nikki cranks up the volume.

“... build-up of fluids in his chest,” Jack’s saying, gripping the metal frame of Mac’s bed and bending a little forward. “The doctors look worried. And when the docs look worried, I get worried. No, actually scratch that. I’m downright terrified here, Patti.”

Thornton pats him on the shoulder. “He’ll be alright, Jack. I’m flying in our own specialist to take a look at him. As soon as he’s well enough, we’ll fly Mac back to LA where he’ll get the best care he can get, I promise you that.”

Jack looks at her sideways. “The higher-uppers okayed that? All that expense for just one guy?”

“MacGyver’s not just some guy, Jack,” Thornton replies.

Jack turns his head to stare back at his best friend. “Yeah, I know that. Better than anyone, believe me.”

After a moment of silence during which they both watch Mac simply breathe, Jack asks quietly, “Did they find Nikki’s body yet?”

Thornton sighs and rubs her forehead. “No. We think the tide washed it away…”

Nikki swallows hard, relieved but also a little disappointed. Yes, her plan worked. But if it hadn’t, if they had figured out her ruse, then she could actually go home and drop this whole charade.

Her phone chirps and Nikki jumps, suddenly terrified. She picks it up. A message. From Kendrick. The Organisation accepted their offer. Big bucks for a vial of virus so potent it could kill millions. She’s in. Joy.

Nikki sends back her confirmation. Then she sends out another message, this time to her CIA handler. Within seconds, she receives a reply, a few words of congratulation on her success. Yeah, thanks, she thinks sarcastically. Now it’s time to truly disappear.

She looks at her laptop screen. Thornton has gone and Jack returned to his chair, watching over Mac like a hawk. And Mac’s sleeping away and, hopefully, healing. Nikki blinks hard to push back tears and touches the screen lightly. I’m so sorry, so very, very sorry.

Then she closes her eyes for a moment, gathering her courage, and when she opens them again, Nikki Carpenter’s gone. The woman in her place logs out of her old employer’s system and closes her laptop with a sharp click, leaving her past behind.

[regrettablewritings]

So because @xemopeachx is a sadistic heathen goblin who haunts my dreams and soul, I must now name the top 10 characters of whom I hold near and dear. Which is essentially like choosing which 10 children of yours you’re gonna save from a house fire. But in any case, in no particular order, here are just 10 of the ones that come to mind. There are many more, but the rule of tagging dictates that I must only name 10. . . . What a load of cockwaffle! 😭 😭 😭

10. Bruce Wayne (Batman v Superman)

I know that there’s a plethora of Bruces to choose from (and don’t worry, the Animated Series version is definitely the best Batman in general), but Ben’s version of Batman is my favorite live action rendition. I know some people have their issues with a gun-wielding Bats (don’t even get me started on my argument against this view), but a surprising amount actually will admit: this Batman is downright interesting. He’s on the cusp of moral bankruptcy and cutting corners and his psyche is just not in the best place and -- God, I could go on about why I love this version of him!! (Besides, you know, him being Daddy(TM).

9. Light Yagami (Death Note)

So lemme tell you youngins about Death Note. The real Death Note: What Netflix failed to capture about this acclaimed, timeless series is just about everything that made it creative, unique, and thrilling. One such example is our villain-protagonist, Light Yagami. Light is a golden boy: Gets good grades, is decent-looking, intelligent as all getout, and an all-around pleasant guy with a bright future ahead of him -- until he gets his hands on a notebook that kills. Light Yagami is an insanely intelligent and ambitious motherkiller and it’s just all so amazing to see how far one person can fall in the name of what they consider justice. He’s this seemingly perfect guy whose god complex overwhelms his morality in the pursuit of purifying the world and it’s just so interesting! Please, if you haven’t seen Death Note or are hesitant to see where the Netflix flop supposedly got its ideas from, I suggest you check it out!

8. Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer)

(Fun fact: I had to scroll through the “Lucifer Morningstar” tag in the gif selection just to find one image that didn’t make my face burn or make me reflexively smile because I smile when I’m nervous. Because lordy, Tom Ellis is one handsome devil, pun intended.) So the reason Luci is here is kinda concerning but at the same time, kinda not. On the heavier side, it’s because everything he has issues with (being hated for doing his job, being punished for stepping out of line when his dad knew what was going to happen yet nobody tried to help him, etc.) were things I was thinking about around a year or two prior to the show’s announcement. I’m kinda at a crossroads with my spirituality but it felt weird to realize I wasn’t the only one thinking that there was something a bit messed up about the whole Falling Situation(TM). But on the brighter side, Lucifer is just an all around interesting character. He’s like a teenager who covers up his emotions with legal alcohol-drinking and the pleasures of the flesh and you kinda gotta feel for the little/big guy. When he’s actually feeling truly himself (instead trying to cover up his sadness with outright giddiness), he’s a complete goofball and I love it!

7. Toshinori Yagi aka All Might (Boku no Hero Academia)

What even needs to be said about Toshi? Other than he is love and he deserves a nap. And many other things . . . Hint-hint at the people who’re caught up with the manga. Anywho, Toshi is such a freaking freeaboo and I love him because even though he’s this unhealthy guy, his heart really is in the right place and he just wants to help people and make sure that the next generation of heroes is capable of upholding the safety of the innocents. Toshinori is the pillar of peace to the world, and the pillar of love to my heart.

6. Finn (Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

Ngl a hefty reason is because John Boyega himself is such a sweetheart. But it translates quite well into reasons why I heart Finn. Let’s be real: Finn doesn’t like conflict. He’s not a coward or anything, he just doesn’t like the idea of harming others, particularly the innocents. But don’t get it twisted: He’s brave as hell. Do you think just anyone would take a risk by freeing a Resistance pilot to help them flee a tight situation? Or use a weapon they’ve never used before in order to fight of a behemoth of a guy? Hahahahahabichnah. Finn may get a lot of flack from some more uncultured parts of the Star Wars fandom, but let’s be clear: I ain’t havin’ it. Finn is bae, Finn is brave, and this fandom better come correct about him.

5. Mr. McCarthy (Me and Earl and the Dying Girl)

M’kay, there’s only, like, two gifs for this film and none of them feature this man and that’s a crying shame. Because even though he’s only in the film, like, several times . . . Guys, it’s Jon fucking Bernthal. And I’m not even able to lie and say he’s not on this list for looks alone. However, to be fair, for the time he was in it, he made an impact on me at least. And he does manage to play a part in the film’s overall lesson. He always pops up in my mind and I can’t shake him, so surely he’s made enough of an impact on me. . . . Or maybe I’m just thirsty because he looks like my type: Dark hair, tattoos, wears vests well, intelligent, loves history --

4. Karamatsu Matsuno (Osomatsu-San)

I just feel so bad for this adorable butt-monkey. His taste in fashion is gaudy (but still somehow wonderful) and despite the vain demeanor he tries to present, he’s actually surprisingly the second nicest out of all five of his siblings, following Jyuushimatsu. It’s not saying much, as he’s still a pervy NEET with technically poor social skills (which is odd, considering that he’s an extrovert), but he actually has his heart in the right place. Unfortunately, that place means helping and serving his siblings only to get beaten up or ignored in response.I hope this new season will do something kind for him, but I doubt it. But all the more reason to be a Karamatsu Girl!!

3. Linda and Louise Belcher (Bob’s Burgers)

This may be cheating, putting two characters into one slot, but also consider this: Whatever, I do what I want!! Ahem. Anyway. Linda and Louise have special places in my heart because Louise reminds me of myself in some ways (particularly, that we both have trouble expressing out attraction to people and our first instincts scream, “SLAP THAT PRETTY FACE, HOW DARE THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO WARM WHEN MY INSIDES ARE COLD?!?!?”). And Linda? She’s like a slightly more eccentric, wine-loving version of my mom. No joke, they even sometimes where the same glasses, it’s weird. (My mom hates when I call her Linda.) I also like watching how Louise is growing up and developing a better sense of empathy, as well as how Linda’s crazy antics don’t push her away from Bob but, instead, give them something to grow from. And that’s not something you see too often, let alone in adult cartoon couples.

2. Drake Mallard aka Darkwing Duck (Darkwing Duck)

I grew up with this motherclucker!! . . . Or should it be “motherquacker”? Either way, I remember having this VHS of Darkwing Duck that had “Tiff of the Titans” and “Negaduck” on it and I would watch it all. The. Time. Honestly, I probably didn’t see too many other episodes (if any at all) because we didn’t have cable while Toon Disney was still running episodes but the fact that I still love this duck to this day should say a lot.

1. Rafael Barba (Law & Order: SVU)

How does one begin to describe their feelings for Rafael Barba? Do they start with how he was a character made with love by both a showrunner and the actor for whom the part was made for? Or do they talk about his prowess in the courtroom? Do they speak of how, despite his aloof and workaholic demeanor, he genuinely does care deeply for those whom he cares about at all? Or should they bring up his “suicidal streak” that causes him to take on crazy cases and even put his neck on the chopping block (even though this is technically problematic in so many ways)? Or maybe they can just start it off with, “He’s a Cuban-American man who’s had to work his way up into a position where, in spite of his seeming bitterness towards everything, he actually does love what he does because he wants to make a difference in some way, shape, or form. He is a symbol of the ‘American dream’, in the sense that nothing was ever handed to him, nothing is still really handed to him, and yet, he persists every day.” Regardless of what is said, there is but one agreement: Rafael I. Barba is a blessing, both in-universe and out of it, and he deserves so much more than what the writers have been giving him as of late. So here’s to hoping that season 19 will give him new opportunities, and a new set of fangs so that he can go for the jugular in these next cases!

Bones: #0

Frank Castle (Daredevil)

Do I . . . even need to explain why this giant pitbull is on this list? JK yes I do

Frank Castle is a beautiful if troubled man. I just love the complexities of his character, particularly the mindset of absolutism in terms of permanently putting down whomever Matt just knocks down. He’s a broken, hurt man and this is what he chooses to do. I may not agree with in in reality, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get it. There’s so much more I could say, but it’s, like, 2AM and I’m bushed. So in the meantime, just keep marveling at this battered, bruised, beloved pitbull of  honeybunch.

I tage @junieyes , @ohbelieveyoume, @skittle479, @thisisnothowidie, and whomever else wants in! Sorry for making you pick children, tho 😗  

[julietandcinderellavocaloid]

Determined Alice Chapter 8

Their pale, golden-eyed legion member grinned at Big Al and Meiko. Meiko bit her lower lip so hard she could taste blood. All the while, Big Al seemed frozen where he was.

"I admit," Rei began saying, leaning back in his chair and putting his hands behind his head, "I was just as shocked as the others when we realized you two were thrown out of the craft. None of us were sure if either of you even survived. I mean, being thrown out of the sky into a snowy forest? I was so sure you two were popsicles!

"But, it ultimately worked in my favor. Being second-in-command, now in charge without ol' Big Al on the scene, the other two had to do whatever I said. It didn't matter how reckless my commands were, because nobody questioned it. Okay, that's a lie. Hio did. Naïve, spineless Hio of all people! Good thing Rinto backed me up. If I told them to jump, Hio would question it, Rinto would get onto Hio for questioning orders, then look to me and ask how high. I'm so grateful to Rinto for making things easy on me. It made his look of betrayal when I turned everyone in even better, as if what I did was cruel and not at all practical.

"That meant all I had left to worry about was you two. Not knowing if either of you were alive or dead, determining the next step wasn't as easy. Of course, if you two were alive, you would be on your way. I had to make sure the others knew we had members get away and to anticipate their arrival. And look, I predicted your actions so well all we had to do was let you bring yourself to us. I know how Big Al thinks, so thank you both for not doing something I wouldn't see coming."

Being the first of the two to find her voice, Meiko snapped, "Quit monologuing! Nobody cares how you betrayed us. What I want to know is why."

Rei shrugged, as if Meiko had asked him about his dessert preferences. "Why wouldn't I? Do you have any idea what it is we're up against? Do you have any idea what the Benevolence truly is? They will annihilate us! I'm just doing what will save the most lives."

"You think if you give the Benevolence whatever they want," Meiko challenged, "they will do the same for you? Wake up and smell the coffee, Rei! If the Benevolence wins, they'll enslave us! They'll kill anyone who doesn't bow to their will. People are still going to die."

Unfortunately, it seemed Rei already knew this. Stomach sinking, Meiko realized there was no reasoning with Rei, especially as he said, "I would much rather be a slave than a dead man."

Fighting the impulse to hurl one of her knives at the wall and waste a weapon, Meiko shouted, "Coward!"

Rei wasn't phased. "If wanting to live makes me a coward, then so be it. Now, if you two want to die so badly, I won't interfere. However, if you want to live too, I suggest staying in your little cell and reevaluate whom you want to serve: your foolish Artemis pride, or our true overlords. I'll leave you to decide."

With that said, the hologram suddenly shut off. Meiko stared at the wall, disbelief crawling up her back and gripping her heart. Having to get it out one way or another, Meiko screamed at the top of her lungs and began to stomp her foot on the ground.

"I HATE YOU!" Meiko shouted even though she knew if Rei heard her, he wouldn't care. She was never nice to him. It wasn't as if he lost her friendship and approval with his actions.

Except he did lose someone else's.

Meiko turned around to see Big Al's face had gone ash pale, and he wobbled as if at any moment, his knees would give out and he would crash to the concrete floor. Without saying a word, Meiko moved to stand beside Big Al. Hesitating only a moment or two, Meiko reached out and rested a hand on the older man's shoulder.

Sighing, Big Al closed his eyes and tilted his head downwards. His jaw went slack, and he squeezed is eyes closed. After a moment, he let out a deep breath.

"This room is undoubtedly bugged," he said through gritted teeth. "Even if we could plan a way out, they would only hear us and make sure the plan fails before we can even begin to enact it."

"I'm not worried about finding a way out," Meiko whispered, words she spoke just to say them becoming true as they passed her lips. Genuine concern bloomed in her chest and found its way to her demeanor and lips. Brows knit together, Meiko asked, "Are you okay?"

Big Al laughed without humor before he answered, "No."

Of course. Big Al wasn't exaggerating or playing up how the teammates should feel towards each other. When he told Meiko that the legion was her new family, he meant it. To Big Al, Rei's betrayal wasn't a betrayal of a teammate. It was the betrayal of a nephew, or perhaps even a son.

Clenching her jaw, Meiko tried to stomp out the flames of anger and hatred she felt for Rei. There would be plenty of time for that later, but first she had to guarantee there would be a later. If she and Big Al were to get out of this, they would need a plan. Meiko wouldn't be able to think if she let her emotions take over. After all, that was what got them into this mess in the first place.

Since Big Al no longer appeared to be seconds away from collapsing, Meiko removed her hand and walked away from him. She made a show of looking over the cell. Of course, there was no way she would be escaping from her prison. There were no windows or air vents big enough for her to fit through. That didn't stop her from looking.

Big Al neither joined in the search nor asked Meiko what she hoped to find. Instead he made himself a spot on the floor and watched her walk around the perimeter of the room for ten or so minutes. With a frustrated sigh, Meiko finally settled across from him.

There was nothing for her to say. Big Al didn't speak either. All Meiko did was stare at the man as she tapped her wrist. After a moment, he nodded. It was a subtle nod, but Meiko understood all the same.

The question was if Rei understood.

Tucking her hair behind her ears, Meiko huffed and leaned back on her hands. Minutes passed. Possibly hours. She didn't know if it was noon or still morning. Instead of letting her stomach continue to tie itself into more complicated knots, she tried to focus on keeping her breathing steady and heartrate rested.

A century later, Meiko heard a click. She and Big Al turned their attention towards the cell door and watched as it opened. Guards, real ones, were on the other side. They had blasters on their hips, but nothing ready and trained on the duo. Perfect.

Meiko stood to her feet and held her hands in the air. Big Al followed suit. Two guards came forward, handcuffs out.

It wasn't until the smaller one touched Meiko's wrist that she acted. A knife was in his arm before he could realize Meiko was fighting back. Just as quickly, Meiko threw another blade into another guard's leg before his fingers could graze his blaster.

Big Al, the absolute giant he was, threw the guard who tried to cuff him into the others. They fell over like bowling pins. He began to power forward, bulldozing over the last few standing guards. Close behind the large man, Meiko ran out of the cell. Another knife was out and eager to dive into the flesh of the next person who tried to stop them.

"Remember what I said!" was all Big Al shouted.

There was no time for Meiko to ask, to confirm what it was Big Al said that she should remember. All he could do was trust that Meiko would remember. If she did remember, Big Al had to trust she would do what he had told her to do.

Meiko did remember. She understood what Big Al was telling her. Now she had the choice to obey or once again try to do things her own way.

Turn around and help, Meiko's mind told her. There's no way he can fight them all off on his own. Stay behind and fight.

However, Meiko threw the thoughts away before they could cost her precious seconds by having her falter in her steps. Big Al wanted her to run. He wasn't fighting off the guards, pushing them out of the way as he charged forward, so they could escape. The sole reason Big Al was throwing the guards around like rag dolls was so she could escape. Sooner or later something would come up to halt Big Al in his tracks, and when it did, Meiko needed to keep running.

That moment came sooner than anticipated. An expecting guard rounded the corner and fired her blaster. Big Al threw himself in Meiko's path, taking the shot for himself. He cried out as he fell to the ground, still alive. Despite having Rei on their side, it appeared as if these goons wanted whatever information Big Al could provide.

Motivated by the knowledge that the blasters were set to stun and not kill, Meiko pushed her long legs to run even faster. She didn't waste a weapon on the guard so cocky from taking out Big Al she didn't think to immediately shoot at Meiko as soon as the large man collapsed. All Meiko did was elbow the woman in the nose to get her out of the way as she ran past.

Sprinting like a bat out of hell, Meiko used her memory from studying the prison layout the night before the maneuver through paths other than the main one towards one of their many planned escape routes. Nobody would expect her to know the map as well as she did. As long as she was careful and remain hidden, the only thing Meiko had to worry about spotting her were the security cameras.

It was as she was about to turn down a hallway Meiko saw a pair of guards coming in her direction. Hoping they would see her uniform and not her face, Meiko kept running like a woman on a mission. As long as they didn't realize her mission was to escape, perhaps neither would think twice about her appearance.

Although someone did see her face.

"Meiko? Meiko?!"

The sound of her name initially drove Meiko to keep running, then recognition of the speaker halted Meiko in her tracks. She spun around and saw the duo rush towards her. In the lead was Hio, and he ran towards Meiko and enveloped her in a hug.

"Thank God you're safe!" he exclaimed, arms wrapped tightly around her still form.

Fortunately for Hio, the sight of seeing him shocked Meiko into not sticking her knife into his neck. However, once she regained herself, she pushed him away and looked between Hio and Rinto. They too were disguised as guards, and it seemed they were also en route to escape.

"Big Al—" Meiko began, but Hio grabbed Meiko by the wrist and began dragging her along.

"Would want us to keep running," he said, leading the way. Although he was taking a path Meiko wouldn't have devised, it was still clear he knew the layout of the prison just as well as she did. "There aren't enough of us to fight, so we have to make a run for it while we can."

"Too bad you didn't have enough time."

Hio, Meiko, and Rinto all came to a stop when they turned a corner to see a guard aiming a blaster at them, four guards behind her with their own blasters trained on the now bound Big Al.

"Put your hands up, and I promise we won't make you suffer too much for causing us such an inconvenience," the guard said, blood running from her nose and down her lips and dripping from her chin. It was through that detail alone Meiko recognized her.

I don't think elbowing her in the face will work a second time. Knowing there was no hiding the knife, Meiko dropped the blade to the floor and raised her hands in the air. From her peripheral vision, she saw Hio and Rinto do the same.

This was it. Meiko's first mission, and this was how it was going to end. There was still a blade hidden in her bosom, ready to pierce into her heart. All she needed was the right time, the perfect opportunity to take her own life before these people could torture information from her.

This mission may have been a failure, but Meiko would not die a coward. She would give up her life to protect others'. Perhaps that alone would be enough.

Hands behind their heads, Meiko and the guys followed the guard as she led them and Big Al down the hall. Meiko heard the woman mutter that perhaps they could take a few of these jokes out with the assassin. Less prisoners to keep track of meant less paperwork for her.

It was as she discussed with the men which of the rebels to keep alive – "the big one for sure, but which of the smaller guys?" – that something loud reverberated through the air, shaking the ground, and the wall down the hall crumbled into pieces.

[blackwaldpartisan]

Second day after the escape

[The writing is clumsier than usual. It even looks slow. ]

I write this sitting in a cave lit by a pile of clothes drenched in alcohol and set afire. I am still changed and my clawed fingers handle this pen awkwardly. I will see it as an exercise of patience because I need to put this down and it is too cold to change back into my proper form (among the clothes burning is my undershirt, so even colder than usual) and the option would be to curl up to one of the Partisans beside me. The choice is either the worgen woman with the wounded neck ( 'Hik' Luhal, I think) whom I am fairly certain would rather I stepped off a cliff, and the Doctor Dead. I would say the latter option speaks for itself. I am not even certain if it is asleep. It lies curled up on the floor (looking rather vulnerable, really), twitching, I think. Might be the light playing tricks. Its hands shook earlier though, and it tried to hide it. I fear it is breaking.

Light knows what'll happen if the demons inside it get loose. I should try and produce some sort of ward, just in case.

Most of the day I spent with Meirin and some of her friends. It feels like... home in their company. I can relax. I know what to expect of them, and they of me (though they are wary still) and I can trust Meirin to remind me of things. It felt peaceful.

In the evening I followed some of the others (The Doctor Dead, the worgen woman with the wounded throat, one of the newcomers (blond), the elderly newcomer doctor (or priest) and a newcomer fellow in brown) when I reached them, they were busy trying to talk a Reservist (or former) woman off the cliffs. She only scorned them and climbed on. They fired at her, and one of them climbed after while the rest of us followed at a distance. After some time of shouting the voice and manner seemed familiar, and then the Doctor Dead called the woman Joan.

Joan. I remember her as quiet, mean, sometimes throwing tantrums and always guarding her things with jealousy and with paranoia. She was dropping hints too, with that sharp glint in her eyes. Questioning our stories, suggesting she knew more than the rest of us. Such a bitch. She invented the charming nickname 'Scabhead' for me too, for the colour of my hair. And now she was swearing at Partisans and Forsaken alike, scaling a dangerous cliffside to go off on her own. So very like Joan.

So I shouted at her too, and she shouted back in her usual, nice and polite manner. So friendly. And we followed, down cliffs, up cliffs, across felled trees... At one point I nearly fell to my death, but the Doctor Dead and the newcomer (blond) saved me. Embarrassingly enough I could not make myself let go of their wrists afterward, until they told me too. Around this time Joan shouted that she knew things about me that I didn't, which made me really want to catch up with her. She might have been a mean little sneak, but she was probably a good person before the Forsaken got to her. Possibly.

But Joan wouldn't give up, would she? So she fell. Down, down down the cliffs and landing in a tree. Not a particularly nice sight. After some discussion, and me saying I would really like to look in that book of hers (she had shouted about that too) a rope was found and I climbed down (being the lightest in the company) The climb was not pleasant. It was windy, cold, my hands and shoulders ached and it felt a lot like nearly dropping off that other cliff, only this time I would join Joan in the tree.

But I made it, and I searched Joan. I also closed her eyes and gave her cheek a little pat. It felt appropriate for some reason. Strapped tightly to her body she had a little pouch, which I took. And shoved up between her cheeks was a piece of paper which I also removed (with some distaste. I wonder if she always kept it there. Would have explained why she was always acting like she had a stick up her arse) Then I pushed her body into the sea, wrapped the rope around my waist, and was hauled up. I think my ribs are still blue and green from that particular treatment. The Doctor Dead said we wouldn't make it back to camp, so after some exploration we found a small cave to stay in instead. I summoned a globe of Felfire to give us light, and nobody seemed to protest much. That was a pleasant surprise. Then of course the gray paladin with the burnt face (James. Don't know if its surname or first name. Do I care?) came clanking up to the cave. Immediately he started on my sinful magic, tossed a glove in my face to start a fire with, and acted generally stuck-up and holy. Even the Doctor Dead seemed a tad irritated by this (but of course it would not mind demonic magic) and in the end we all sacrificed clothing to make a fire.

(the Doctor Dead could not have been serious about its alternative suggestion, could it? A horrid thought, truly)

And so we sat in the faint light, huddled up. No one seemed to want to huddle next to another, I didn't want to huddle next to any of them. Demonelf, wary worgen, old man, newcomer, paladin... Not the most tempting people to cuddle up to. I can think of a number of people I would rather have shared my warmth with. The Doctor Dead studied the paper and pouch I retrieved from Joan, with some difficulty. The paper was a map (of the North, it was concluded. Perhaps my presumed home would be on it, but I would not recognise it) and once it was done with the book, I asked for it so I could read what Joan had written of me.

It made no sense. At the start of the book, and quite far into it, she mentions me as a friend. I don't remember her ever being very friendly. Then, she flips. She hates me. Loathes me. I couldn't find out why and I kept looking and looking but either I missed it, or she didn't put it down. I'll need read through it again. I want to know what I did. I exclaimed as much in frustration and put the book away. The Doctor Dead seemed to think it best if I let my history lie. Let the old Ailiam Beech die, as it were. Perhaps that would be for the best, but I don't want to. I want to know what I was like. I hope I was some spoiled, happy, foolish little thing.

Must read through the book again. Must find the man who used to know me. Must make up my mind on what to think of all these people I am undecided about. Must sleep.

A lot of musts.