#no wonder you have nothing but juice and vinegar

[eimearkuopio]

If you want more high-quality wine, STOP DRINKING ALL THE FUCKING JUICE.

[kcrossvine-art]

Hey folks! Itsssssssssssss timeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee for another dungeon meshi cooking time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Isnt that neat.

Its weird to think how long its gonna be before season 2 of the anime drops. Anyway go read the manga i promise you wont regret it. This ones from senshis lil garden on legs-

Today we'll be making Golem Field Fresh Veggie Lunch!

(As always you can find the cooking instructions and full ingredient list under the break-)

MY NAMES CROSS NOW LETS COOK LIKE ANIMALS

SO, “what goes in to Golem Field Fresh Veggie Lunch?” YOU MIGHT ASKIts vegetables, vegetable wauter, and not Much else! Knife is there too.

Head of cabbage

4 carrots

3 potatoes

2 onions

2 turnips

Thick slice bacon

Butter

Seasoned rice vinegar

I lied theres pork did you fall for it did u catch it.

AND, “what does Golem Field Fresh Veggie Lunch taste like?” YOU MIGHT ASKSon, have you ever eaten a vegetabel

Broth is surprisingly flavorful considering the limited spices and short cooktime

Potatoes are perfect texture for dipping

Cabbage absorbed a lot of the juices!!!

Was more impressed by the salad part of the meal-

The turnips need to be sliced enough to Barely see through, and the carrots julienned thin enough to be almost peels

And its this wonderful vegetable confetti tasteful in its simple pleasure

Rice vinegar of any kind will work, seasoned rice vinegar is just what i had

Salt both parts of the meal generously

In the future i wouldve shredded or cut the cabbage much smaller. We'll talk more on that later. Its also intentionally barebones with spices and oils, me using butter and rice vinegar is even pushing the limits of show accurate because in the show they used plain olive oil.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From idea to execution, this was a very quick recipe. For starters, nothing gets cooked all that long (the water spends more time empty than it does ingredient'ed) and for lasters nothing gets cut all that much. It was tricky finding good sources for stewing a whole cabbage because most recipes call for either shredding or at least chopping smaller. And they do this for a reason. Its unwieldy trying to eat a whole half of cabbage, you never quite know when to start or where to start. Do you bite chunks out? Peel leaves? Spear it with other things? I dont know. I still dont. Im not a huge raw cabbage fan and it wasnt raw, but it wasnt transformed much either. Minimalist. 

This was a feast in the show and i bet that the freshness of the veggies were a factor, considering they were plucked fresh off the living rock guys. I wouldve killed to be able to brown the onions, roast the carrots, or maybe cube the potatoes (though the consistency was perfect for forking and dipping them in butter so! Bonuses.)

Oven roast bacon is a beloved treet for me. It seemed to absorb some of the vegetable broth and vice versa with the broth absorbing the oils from the bacon, which enhanced all the flavors. Maybe in the future itd be nice to try cooking the bacon a bit ahead, and then adding it to the pot while everythings boiling? Also adding a spritz of lemon juice to either/both is always nice!

I give this recipe a solid 7/10 (with 1 being food that makes one physically sick and 10 being food that gives one a lust for life again.) for its simplicity. With modifications like shredding the cabbage and more seasonings, it could become an easy 10/10. hit that like and subscribe or kill me

🐁 ORIGINAL RESIPPY TEXT BELOW 🐁

Ingredients:

Head of cabbage

4 carrots

3 russet potatoe

2 white onions

2 turnips

10 slices of thick slice bacon

Butter

Seasoned Rice vinegar

Stew Method:

Preheat your oven to 400f. Line a rimmed baking sheet with foil and place a baking rack on top (alternatively you can use a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper and no baking rack. but the baking rack lets the air circulate better and the grease drip off!)

Cook your bacon for about 18 minutes or until crisp. Flip halfway through.

Chop your carrots, peel and slice your potatos in half, and slice your onions into rings.

Get a large pot with a tight fitting lid, add water, salt, your carrots, your potato pieces, and your onions. Cover and heat to a low boil.

Cut the cabbage head in half down the middle. Once the pot is boiling, carefully add your cabbage to the pot and arrange the halves so theyre fully covered.

Cover and cook for about 13 minutes, the cabbage should be slightly crisp but have give to them. 

Remove from heat and laddle contents into a bowl, arrange some of your bacon along the sides so the fat and the broth mix :) salt and pepper to taste. And get a little saucer for butter so you can dip the potato pieces and/or coat the cabbage pieces.

Salad Method:

Peel your carrots and turnips. Cut off the ends of both. Julienne your carrots, and thinly slice your turnips.

Add your carrot greens (or your chosen leaf filler) to a bowl, then add your carrots and turnips.

Coat with seasoned rice vinegar, salt, and pepper. Thoroughly mix and enjoy :) 

[fuckingrecipes]

hey there! came here from your crockpot post, and have been having a great time browsing your blog. it’s so cool :D

kind of random, but i have a question about said post, if it’s okay to ask it here? i’m muslim, so i can’t drink/cook with alcohol (there are some kind of exceptions like vanilla extract, but generally it’s a no), so i was wondering — if you have any ideas, what do you suggest i could replace with the red wine from your post for a similar, as close ish as possible effect? genuinely just wondering — i love cooking, but whenever i see stuff like deglaze your pan with wine or add wine as a flavour enhancer i’m always like that sounds so cool, but lol i can’t use grape juice here or can i, and it’s a whole thing lol. any advice would b super appreciated:D

The BEST thing to use in place of red wine, for a similar taste and texture WHEN YOU ARE DEGLAZING A PAN, without the alcohol is Verjus.

It's a highly acidic juice made by pressing unripe grapes, crab-apples, or other very sour fruit. It is nothing more than sour, acidic fruit juice. However, it can be a bit difficult to find.

The next-best is unsweetened Pomegranate juice.

In third place is a 1:1 mixture of meat stock (like chicken or beef stock) with Vinegar. <-- I worry a little about suggesting Red Wine Vinegar, because it does still have a small amount of alcohol in it, though it is the best one to use here)

Theoretically, you could just use water, cream, straight meat broth, or any vinegar, but it'll change the flavor and texture.

But that's specifically for Deglazing - adding liquid to a hot pan to remove the brown flavorful bits stuck to the bottom.

--

When you are trying to use alcohol as a flavor enhancer.... unfortunately, no, there is no substitute.

You can get rich flavors by adding vinegar, but the reason alcohol is used is because there are flavor compounds that are ONLY accessible when alcohol attaches to them.

For example; many spices and herbs are Fat Soluble. Toasting seed spices in a dry pan will likely mellow or the flavor, while frying briefly in oil will release and extract a ton of flavor. The fat-solubility of those flavor chemicals means you NEED to cook it in fat, in order for that flavor to suffuse the dish.

Some flavors - especially ones in tomatoes - are soluble in alcohol, but less so in fat or water.

Penne al Vodka uses a touch of flavorless alcohol to make the whole dish taste more explosively & richly like tomatoes. The alcohol pulls compounds from the tomatoes and makes them vibrant and in-your-face. The difference between Penne al Vodka WITH vs WITHOUT the vodka is fascinating.

[ddarker-dreams]

Awwwww you cooked lunch for your family that’s so sweet!! I’m tryna teach myself how to cook, and they’re sooooo many dishes I wanna try that I’m so excited for :D I kinda lack motivation and energy from other things unfortunately but I’m working on it, I will say tho, thinking of it as working on my wife material abilities helps a LOT.

I feel like this ask is kinda strange so far so I apologize, but I was wondering what your favourite dish to make or eat would be? It’s not cooking but for me, i LOVE making macarons (not much of a cook but I do bake:D)

i am the family chef™ 😌 i love cooking!!! i actually only got into it around three ish years ago, so i get what you mean hjtkmger the sheer magnitude of possibilities is overwhelming at first. NGL i think baking is harder so i have nothing but the utmost respect for you and anyone who bakes 😭 i can do it... it's just so much work. i get flour everywhere. i even got eggs on my socks once (i don't even know how). there's so much shame to be felt when wiping egg off your sock. i can't put the humiliation into words. i bake cakes as a gift on birthdays exclusively and that's it. my short-lived baking phase has formally Concluded.

macaroons are especially difficult good god. i thought about making them once . watched a youtube video showing how it's done. i then immediately stopped thinking about making them.

omg my favorite dish... i have a couple i'll share!! my ultimate, uncontested favorite is this mac and cheese though. it's divine. utter perfection. ambrosia from the gods. the recipe comes from everyplate, but they don't give measurements, so i'll go ahead and fill those in. you'll need a pan (or two) that can withstand being broiled in the oven for around a minute. this is gonna get lengthy so i'll put it beneath the cut htjgkrm

the measurements for the ingredients are as follows (this is enough to feed around four people):

one bunch of scallions

one long green pepper (i've used cubanelle pepper too)

two cloves of garlic

one cup of milk

one cup of shredded pepper jack cheese

one cup of shredded cheddar cheese

as for the panko and frank's seasoning blend mixture, i normally eyeball it so i don't actually know the measurements for it ... i guess it depends on how spicy you want it?

this breakfast square recipe is another one of my favorites, it reheats surprisingly well too!! i always make it before vacation and everyone just warms it up for breakfast for the days that follow. it's so yummy. i add a dash of italian seasoning to the hashbrown layer to give it more flavor. godspeed 🙏

finally, another big favorite of mine is beef fajitas. this consists of:

london broil (this cut of meat almost always seems to be on sale so that's nice)

beef consommé

two garlic cloves

two bell peppers

one yellow onion

two or three avocados

one lime

spanish rice

tortillas

salt/pepper/southwest seasoning/paprika

for the london broil: set oven to 250 fahrenheit. put the london broil in a deep dish baker, lightly salt and pepper, then add beef consommé until it almost (but not quite) submerges the meat. toss in garlic cloves (i use a garlic press so it distributes evenly across the meat). bake for around two and a half to three hours until tender.

sautéed veggies: slice or dice bell peppers/yellow onion depending on your preference. heat a pan with olive oil on medium heat. add veggies. add salt/pepper/southwest seasoning to veggies. cook until onions are translucent + bell peppers are slightly browned.

i just used boxed spanish rice and they have instructions on the back!! it's pretty simple but takes around 30-40 minutes to cook.

guacamole: cut into avocado, remove the core. i use a spoon to scoop out the insides and toss them into a bowl. sprinkle with lime juice. add salt, pepper, paprika. i like adding a dash of balsamic vinegar. mash and stir it up to desired consistency.

when everything is prepared, slap it onto your tortilla and behold the tastiest combination one could ever stumble across. it's so good. i almost want to cry just thinking about it.

[restorativemeal]

Menu Seventeen

Menu Seventeen from Rowan Bishop and Sue Carruthers' "The Vegetarian Adventure Cookbook".

Spicy Pumpkin and Lentil Soup: brown lentils, water, cumin, tumeric, coriander, butter, onion, pumpkin, salt, vegetable stock, tomato relish, pepper. 

Celery and Orange Salad: celery, orange, lemon juice, olive oil, balsamic vinegar. 

Corn Bread: plain flour, baking powder, salt, wheatgerm, semolina, egg, milk, butter. 

Spinach Frittata: spinach, onion, butter, dried basil, nutmeg, egg, sour cream, milk, salt, pepper, chilli sauce, tasty cheddar cheese. 

Menu Seventeen, Week Seventeen, I write about it now in a state of purgatory, a liminal space, during a three week break from Bishop and Carruthers and their Vegetarian Adventure Cookbook. The weather was hot, dry even, it was Summer at home. It had been two weeks of warm soup, only this time I didn’t want it. I had passed my sickness on to my flatmate and guest, a singular person. I was thinking a lot about change, as usual. Not violent change, that I’ve learnt are done to you, but the changes you make yourself. The ones that take you out of a city, a country even. This had nothing to do with the fact I was travelling to Japan at the end of Week Seventeen. 

The schedule that week was busy, I couldn’t really afford to dedicate it to the journey, but I did anyway. I left the prior week believing I wanted to move somewhere else during the next year and that I wanted to leave this Vegetarian Adventure Cookbook where it belonged, in New Zealand. Because of this, Week Seventeen and Menu Seventeen needed to be completed that week. I had most of the ingredients at home. I went to the Fruit and Vegetable store on Tuesday after a troubling Monday, it was hot and I wished people would turn off their read receipts. I returned home feeling worse, I had spent $38 on four items in a store I believed was always the cheapest option. I wondered if I had been swindled, this was my comeuppance for swindling the lady at the other fruitstore for the $3.99 watermelon back during my birthday week. It wasn’t even the same store. I said “no” when the girl at the till asked whether I wanted a receipt, was she taunting me? I’ll never have the answer to what happened, and that seems to be the way about a lot of things. I was still positive about the way that change could be something you did to yourself. I would cook the pumpkin and lentils and I would change them into a soup. Whether or not I wanted to eat it. I would leave the country one day and maybe I would never return. 

Soup and salad prep, half a pumpkin that cost $25?

It was another easy menu to make. I had all afternoon. It was hot. I wore a pair of mini shorts and a top that had “alcoholic” written across the chest then proceeded to not drink a thing. I started with the soup, first boiling the lentils, then the pumpkin. The state of the flat oven meant I needed to prepare and bake the Corn Bread and Spinach Frittata at the same time. I had a brand new guest that night, from another city even. I had quite a few guests in total that night. Before anyone arrived I sat on the floor of the kitchen listening to personal-to-me version of “Last Christmas”. There were four days till Christmas and dinner was ready. Later I would fail as a host as I served too early, forgetting the last one was coming. 

Frittata and Corn Bread

As we ate, we discussed how the Corn Bread tasted like banana cake without bananas. Really, it was corn bread without any corn, because I had substituted semolina for the cornmeal that Bishop and Carruthers had listed in the ingredients. The following night I declared at work drinks that this had been the worst year of my life. A week later, I was in Tokyo, homesick for something I couldn’t put my finger on. Maybe the “Vegetarian Adventure Cookbook”. Two weeks after that, I returned home. It was a new year. The “Vegetarian Adventure Cookbook” wasn’t where I left it and I panicked that it would be another thing lost in the year before. Five minutes later I found it, hidden behind the mirror on the mantelpiece in the dining room, the last violent change of the year before.

2023, finale.

[niralidilipkumar]

Top 10 Eggless Baking Essentials You Need in Your Kitchen

Introduction:

Eggless home bakers, you are the culinary trailblazers who have mastered the art of baking without eggs. Your dedication to crafting delicious treats that cater to diverse dietary preferences is nothing short of commendable. To achieve eggless baking success, having the right tools and ingredients in your kitchen is essential. In this article, we will explore the top 10 eggless baking essentials that every eggless home baker should have at their disposal.

Eggless Home Bakers: Equipped for Baking Excellence

Flaxseed or Chia Seeds: Ground flaxseed or chia seeds are invaluable in eggless baking. They serve as a natural binding agent when mixed with water, providing structure to your recipes. Keep a stash of these seeds in your pantry for when you need to whip up a quick "flax egg."

Silken Tofu: Silken tofu is a versatile egg substitute that adds moisture and texture to your baked goods. When blended until smooth, it creates a creamy consistency that works wonders in eggless recipes like cheesecakes and puddings.

Non-Dairy Milk: A selection of non-dairy milk options such as almond, soy, or oat milk is crucial for replacing dairy milk in eggless recipes. These dairy-free alternatives offer a creamy texture and can be used in equal proportions.

Vinegar: Vinegar, particularly apple cider or white vinegar, is often used in combination with baking powder to create leavening in eggless recipes. It helps achieve a light and airy texture in baked goods like pancakes and cakes.

Baking Powder and Baking Soda: These leavening agents are essential for giving rise to your eggless creations. Baking powder is often used in recipes that require a quick rise, while baking soda requires an acidic ingredient like vinegar or lemon juice to activate its leavening power.

Eggless Vanilla Extract: Ensure you have a good-quality eggless vanilla extract on hand to enhance the flavor of your baked goods. It adds a delightful aroma and depth of taste to your treats.

Whole Wheat Flour: Whole wheat flour is a healthier alternative to all-purpose flour, and it's perfect for eggless baking. It adds a nutty flavor and a boost of fiber to your recipes, making them more nutritious.

Eggless Chocolate Chips and Cocoa Powder: For chocolate lovers, having a supply of eggless chocolate chips and cocoa powder is a must. These dairy-free options are perfect for whipping up eggless brownies, cookies, and chocolate cakes.

Non-Dairy Butter or Coconut Oil: Non-dairy butter or coconut oil is essential for adding richness and moisture to your eggless baked goods. They can be substituted for dairy butter in equal proportions.

Natural Sweeteners: Natural sweeteners like maple syrup, agave nectar, and coconut sugar are excellent alternatives to refined sugar. They add a hint of complexity to your recipes and cater to those with refined sugar restrictions.

Having these eggless baking essentials in your kitchen will not only make your eggless baking endeavors more convenient but also empower you to create a wide range of delicious and inclusive treats. So, keep your pantry well-stocked with these essentials, and let your eggless home baker creativity shine through in every batch of delectable delights you create.

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You can consider giving a shot these keto chewy candies in the event that you esteem carrying on with a long and solid life. These taste wonderful and are loaded up with nutritious fixings. We know that keto diet is a strong strategy to incidentally arrive at your ideal weight. Yet, for a drawn out arrangement, you want to battle the best keto supplement like Dynamic Keto BHB Apple Chewy candies. It makes no unfavourable impacts and assists with fat misfortune in only a couple of days.

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Fenugreek separate

This fixing assists with controlling your cholesterol, glucose, and circulatory strain levels.

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Apple Vinegar

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[waterfiltergurus]

Discover the Truth: Does Soft Water Taste Different?

Wondering whether your water will taste different after installing a water softener in your home? Here, we've shared our insights into soft water and what you should expect regarding taste. 📌 Key Takeaways: - Soft water tastes different from normal tap water if you live in a hard water area and you're used to drinking water containing calcium and magnesium minerals. - Soft water has a neutral taste - compared to hard water, it has no distinctive flavor at all. - The reasons why soft water tastes different from hard water are that it doesn't contain minerals and it contains low levels of sodium or potassium. 🤔 Does Soft Water Have A Different Taste To Normal Tap Water? Yes, soft water has a different taste to normal tap water, since the majority of tap water supplies (more than 80%) in the US are hard. Soft water lacks calcium and magnesium ions, which means it doesn't have the same alkaline or slightly metallic taste as hard water. If you've grown up in a hard water region and hard water is all you know, you'll notice the difference in taste when drinking soft water. This is especially likely if you install a water softener, since water softeners exchange calcium and magnesium minerals with sodium. 🚰 What Does Soft Water Taste Like? Soft water doesn't really taste like anything - it has a neutral taste that's lacking in any distinct flavor or after-taste. That's what's convenient about soft water: there's nothing to dislike about it, so it should be enjoyed by everyone, regardless of their tastes and preferences. The neutral taste of soft water also means it's more versatile and can be used to better bring out the flavor of teas, coffees, and other beverages. Plus, using soft water in your plumbing system and appliances means you're less likely to have chalky pieces of limescale in your water, so your water quality won't be affected by this. 📋 Reasons Why Soft Water Tastes Different There are a couple of reasons why soft water tastes different to hard water: Lack Of Minerals The main reason why soft water tastes different from a normal tap water supply is the lack of calcium and magnesium minerals. Hard water is characterized by its mineral content. If you have sensitive taste buds, you'll notice that the dissolved minerals in hard water give it an alkaline taste. Sometimes, hard water can have a sweet aftertaste, and sometimes it might taste a little metallic, depending on the minerals present. Soft water, on the other hand, doesn't contain these minerals, so it has a more neutral flavor. Added Sodium Or Potassium If you drink softened water from a water softener, the softener will have exchanged the water's calcium and magnesium ions with potassium or sodium ions. The addition of these ions, alongside the lack of hardness minerals, may contribute to your softened water taste. Does softened water taste salty? No - soft water contains only trace levels of sodium ions, and it shouldn't taste salty. If you're drinking salty water from a water softener, there's likely an issue with the sodium levels being added to the water during the softening process. 🔎 Does Soft Water Taste Acidic? No, soft water doesn't taste acidic. Soft water, whether it's naturally soft or softened water from an ion exchange system, has only a slightly lower pH than hard water. The typical pH of hard water is 7-8, while soft water has a pH of 6-7. So, soft water is still around the neutral range on the pH scale, so it shouldn't have a bitter or acidic taste. It's a long way off from being comparable to vinegar or lemon juice! 🧐 Does Soft Water Taste Bad? No, soft water doesn't taste bad - the reason being that it doesn't really taste of anything. Softened water is palatable simply because there's nothing to dislike about the water. However, this does of course depend on what else is in your water supply. For instance, your drinking water may have a chemical taste if it has been disinfected with chlorine. But this would be the case whether you had soft or hard water. Before you start blaming your water's lack of minerals for its poor taste, consider the other potential causes of the unpleasant flavor. Some of the common culprits of poor-tasting water are: - Chlorine, chloramine, and other disinfection chemicals - give water a chemical taste - Iron and copper - give water a metallic taste - Sulfur - gives water a rotten-egg taste and odor Test your water with an at-home test kit if you detect any of these tastes in your softened water. 📖 What To Do If You Don't Like The Taste Of Soft Water You know by now that softened water doesn't have any distinctive tastes or flavors, so there's nothing really to dislike about it. But if you prefer the taste of mineral-rich hard water but you don't want to deal with the effects of calcium and magnesium deposits in your home, what can you do? The solution for you is to install a salt-free water softener, also known as a water conditioner. Salt-free conditioners are different from water softeners and don't provide the traditional softening process. Rather than physically removing calcium and magnesium and exchanging them with sodium during the ion exchange process, water conditioners retain these hardness minerals but prevent them from forming scale. This process is known as template-assisted crystallization or nucleation-assisted crystallization. With a water conditioner, you can enjoy the same enjoyable mineral taste in your water, but, in their new crystallized form, these minerals will be unable to stick to surfaces and form scale. That means you can enjoy many of the benefits of a conventional water softening system, without the altered water properties or taste. Related Content: - Is Soft Water Safe to Drink? Exploring the Facts and Myths - Watering Plants with Soft Water: Benefits and Considerations - Explained: Why Water Feels Slippery or Slimy After the Softening Process - Is Soft Water Ideal for Washing Cars 📑 Final Word In short, softened water does taste different from hard water, but not unpleasantly so. Softened water tastes neutral and shouldn't upset your taste buds. If your softened water tastes salty, there's likely an issue with your water softener regeneration cycle. If you have really sensitive taste buds and you can detect a hint of sodium in your softened water, consider switching to potassium chloride in your water softener brine tank. Or, if you enjoy the mineral taste of hard water, consider installing a salt-free water conditioner instead of a conventional softener. Read the full article

[august-ia]

"Then what do you do all day if you don't have time for cooking?" he really hoped Lee Know wouldn't say studying took all his time because as much as he was happy to be at the academy, he was not that good at sitting still hours on end, listening and taking notes, let alone do homework by himself. "You know, home cooked-meals are so much healthier! Back at home, we grow a few veggies, like carrots! I sometimes give a few to bunnies that pass by, don't tell anyone though," he grinned, seeming very proud of himself.

He suddenly lifted one hand to his chest, the other coming up to look like he was holding a candle, mimicking the scene of Dracula coming down the stairs. "I'll be waiting," his voice lowered, thinking this is what Lee Know looked like when he was about to scare someone through a mirror. His faked seriousness fell away as quickly as it'd come and he closed the cabinet he'd left open during his neat performance, concentrating on the matter of cleaning.

"Soooo.. how do you expect me to clean if we have nothing to clean with?" they used lemon vinegar spray at home, it made everything smell really nice. It was something he didn't think he'd need but maybe he was wrong, though his suitcase was already big enough as is. When his attention was directed towards the slippers though, the fairy's whole face lit up. "That looks like so much fun! I bet you can't help but dance around while you're cleaning," he hopped, shifting his weight from one foot to another as he did, relieving some of his excitement that way.

He realised it'd probably been long enough for his drinks to cool down and he went back to the fridge to grab one of the bottles of peach-flavoured juice. "I would offer you one but you would probably refuse!" he announced cheerfully as he twisted the cap open, downing almost half of the drink in one go. Moving was thirsty work. "I was just being nice," he let out a little huff that blew the bits of hair away from his face at the other's retort about the pain, pouting his lip.

As Lee Know moved over to the drawer to open it up, August followed him like a puppy, closing the lid on the bottle so he wouldn't spill it ( he was prone to doing so ). "All of that looks a little complicated.." he wondered out loud as he looked at the grips and things, "but I mean, good if it helps you!" However, when his glitter was mentioned, he looked at his roommate, puzzled. "I've never actually had to think about cleaning glitter before.." one didn't simply clean glitter. Of course his family cleaned the house but glitter wasn't dirty. It was always present, it didn't simply get removed.

The other's wings retracted, but that didn't make him less sparkly. He really wondered how August lived his life just sparkling everywhere. With more movements came more glitter, meaning more spots he had to avoid if he didn't want to look like he had the skin of a killer. "How did I know you were going to say that?" Of course the happily bubbly fairy was a vegetarian. Not that Lee Know particularly cared about what others ate, he wasn't going to cook for him either way so such information was irrelevant. Lee Know shifted his weight between his legs as the other continued his explorations through their very humble kitchen space.

To the salute, Lee Know just scowled harder as if he could make himself look even more unfriendly and unapproachable. "Yeah, cooking is dumb and I don't have time for that," And people used to cook for him, but he omitted that detail because those were people he was somewhat close with. People who took pity on the lonely Mirrorwalker, but as soon as he sensed any feeling of 'friendship', he quickly left. That was his way, bouncing from place to place, never here long enough for anyone to really know the man behind the scary face and cold gaze.

"Maybe. But I won't tell you if I will," Knowing him he would try it at least once. However after the first spook, usually going in for a second or a third was significantly less rewarding unless the person was a real idiot. Lee Know liked smarter victims, victims that didn't believe in the supernatural and would go through great lengths to prove people like him didn't exist.

"Nope," He gave his reply about the cleaning supplies, waving both of his hands in front of him and shaking his head. "I have a broom, but that's it," Not even a vacuum! Lee Know was not very good with electronics and a lot of cleaning supplies had handles that he couldn't properly grasp. "Oh and mop slippers," He pointed to a small slipper pad near the entrance of their dorm room, there were a pair of slippers that seemed to also double as mops! How neat!

"None of your business and I said it only hurts if i hold things for too long," He hid his hands as he said this, not wanting this guy to start asking questions. "You can buy whatever cleaning supplies you want. Oh and I do have gloves and like... These things," Lee Know strode over to the other side of the kitchen and opened a drawer to reveal a small collection of rubber grips that could be attached to spoons and cups to make them easier to hold. "Yeah... Anyway, how do you clean up the glitter? A mop? A towel?"

[lazuliquetzal]

other deleted jokes from dotf

[Dawn of the Fourth is a fanfiction distributed by LazuliQuetzal and licensed under a Creative Nonsense Non-Commercial--]

OKAY so these bits are too short to warrant their own solo post, so I'm just gonna lump 'em all here.

you have NO clue how much stupid I was holding back for this fic.

1. Forbidden Noodle Incident

“But we’re not siblings,” Time said. “The last time we tried to tell people that we weren't related, somebody tried to kill you for being a child cult leader,” Wind said. “So we’re family, now.”

2. Legend Is Edgy

Legend scowled at Wild. “You did not just call me edgy.” “‘Boo hoo, I’m a lonely badass made of whining and sarcasm,’” Wild said, in a mockery of Legend’s accent. “‘Don’t touch my stuff! Everything I own can kill you in new and surprising ways!’” Hyrule choked on his spit. “Okay,” Legend said, laughing. “Fair enough. I don’t sound like that, though.” “You absolutely do,” Warriors informed him. 

3. Wild Likes Potatoes --

Up ahead, something was forming out of the salt. It was a monster unfamiliar to all of them: several feet tall, vaguely humanoid. And worse, there were many of them. Right on cue, a flock of vultures flew in from the tree line and began to circle over the salt flat.  The heroes drew their swords. “Okay, we’ve got time,” Warriors said, adjusting his grip on his weapon. He squinted out at the approaching creatures. “Salt monster, salt monster. What hurts salt?” “Potatoes,” Wild said.  “I—what.” “If you have over-salted food,” Wild explained. “Toss in some potatoes. Lemon juice or vinegar would also work, but I’m a fan of the potato solution myself.” “Champ, if you find a useful way to incorporate potatoes into this fight, I will take all your night watches for the next two weeks.”

4. The Climactic Fight Could Have Been Much Worse [part 1]

"When you fight Ganondorf," Wind croaked, drained of energy, "make sure you get everything right the first time." The kid blinked at him. "I... already did that," he said. Wind whipped his head up. "What?" "I fought Ganondorf already," Time said. "He's gone." "But--you're a baby," Wind said, intelligently. "You can't be the Hero. I heard that the Hero has an eight-pack. That he's shredded."

5. The Climactic Fight Could Have Been Much Worse [part 2]

"You good?" Time asked, running to his side. He helped Wind straighten up and inspected his throat with a sharp eye. "Does it look like I'm fine?!" Not-Legend snapped, clutching his toes. "Literally, why would he be talking to you," Wind wheezed.

6. The Climactic Fight Could Have Been Much Worse [part 3]

“It’s not healing,” Time said, voice rising in pitch. “Sailor, why isn’t it healing? Why isn’t it healing?!” “Go smash a pot,” Wind ordered, biting his panic down. "You ever wonder why we smash pots?" Sky mumbled. "Isn't that weird?" "Hurry up!" Wind ordered, pushing Time away. "We're losing him!"

7. Nothing is original, I am a Meme

"Sorry!" Wind blurted. His ears burned. "It's the authority issues! But I think--we had a baby for five days. And it was--" daunting, panic-inducing, terrifying "--annoying as hell to see him do things." "He's eleven, so shut the fuck up."

8. Remember when Wind taught Baby Time the word 'fuck'? Wouldn't it be funny if that affected his vocabulary when he went back to being a normal adult

"I fought Ganondorf, too! So, if you could tone down the whole 'listen to me, I'm the leader' thing--" "Sailor, Time said, cutting him off. "The reason we don't keep your suggestions in mind is not because you're a kid. It's because you never give us a fucking explanation."

[noshes4nerds]

Senchal Curried Fish and Rice

Ah, Tamriel, land of magic, mystery, and...

...whatever the heck this dude’s up to. Today, my wonderful nerdy noshers, we are questing in the wonderful world of Elder Scrolls (glitches and all), a world of elves, men, eldritch gods, and sugar-loving cat people. You see that peak over there,

yes, you can climb it. See this nasty demon dinosaur:

He can either be summoned or beaten with a stick, depending on your stance on demon dinosaurs. See this oh so lusty Argonian maid

....Need I say more?! But in order to climb huge volcanoes, marry lizard people, and summon unholy demonic velociraptors, you’re gonna need some energy in that adventuresome body of yours. How do we get that energy, you may ask? You get it the same way you do here in reality; food! Yes, for a fantastical world of swords and sorcery, the Elder Scrolls franchise sure is a cornucopia of culinary delights, some of which you actually can make with nothing more than a working kitchen and access to the internet. Now even if you’ve never heard of the Elder Scrolls franchise, you likely know about it’s most famous entry: Skyrim. You see, Skyrim has a bit of a popularity problem. Having been out for a decade and release on SIX different platforms, many have tread it’s culinary pathways well before this blog went public. That being said, I have chosen a different entry in the franchise to dig for recipes in. Enter Elder Scrolls Online, the only mmorpg entry in the Elder Scrolls franchise. While Elder Scrolls online has a wealth of foods to chose from, unlike its other counterparts, the food items are very rarely shown in game. Sometimes what you see laying around in your local tavern might not even be the item that ends up in your back when snatched up (away from the prying eyes of the city guards). For example, take your classic Skyrim-style Sweetroll:  

In your inventory it ends up looking like a cinnamon bun!

And that’s where I come in. Rather than rely on in game pictures, I have instead chosen to base any recipes I make from Elder Scrolls online by their description. If the required ingredients happen to match up with its inventory picture, all the better. Now come join my around the fire as I tell you the tale of my experience with Khajiiti cuisine. For the not yet initiated, the Khajiit are an adorable race of catlike people whose forms can range from housecat:

To buff bobcat:

To humanoid cat furries:

These pretty kitties are known for their sweet tooth, and even savory dishes are no exception. Enter their curried fish; a quick and rather syrupy dish that purrfectly pairs well with a nice hot bowl of fragrant basmati rice. This easy and peachy curry is a flavorful fast dish that’s perfect for cat on the run. (NOTE: Please do not actually feed this to your cats irl,or any of your pets for that matter. This dish contains many ingredients that are most certainly poisonous for furry, feathery, and scaly friends.) This dish feeds 3 famished felines. Tools:

Saucepan

Large pan (ideally an electric skillet,as they tend to be huge)

Large cooking spoon

Spatula

Baking Spatula:

Paring Knife

Large kitchen knife

Measuring spoons

hand held grater

Ingredients:

12oz white fish of choice (I chose mahi-mahi)

1 15oz can of white beans (I went with chickpeas)

3 cloves of fresh garlic

2 tsp Garam Masala (divided)

1/2 tsp cumin

1/2 tsp tumeric

1 and 1/2 tbsp sweet chili sauce

1/2 large onion

1/4 tsp cinnamon

2 tbsp peach preserves

2 tsp lemon juice

1 and 1/2 tbsp rice vinegar

2 tbsp chicken stock (low sodium)

1/2 tsp kosher salt

10 oz fresh spinach

3 servings basmati rice (cook according to package instructions)

2-3 tbsp cooking oil (I used olive oil but I’d highly recommend peanut oil for this dish)

1 pinch sumac (optional, for garnish)

Salt and pepper to taste

Method: Slice your onion.

Grate your garlic cloves.

Using 1/2 tbsp of oil, saute your onion slices over medium until brown, then set them aside.

With another 1/2 tbsp of oil, saute your spinach until it is wilted, set aside.

Drain and rinse your white beans.

Put your spinach in a food processor and puree until smooth.

Add 1tsp garam masala, 2tsp lemon juice, 1/2 the sauteed onions, 1/3 of the garlic and the beans. Puree until smooth and set aside. For the fish:

If your fish is frozen, thaw in the fridge overnight or run fish cuts under cool water until slightly softened. Combine sauteed onions, the remainder of the garam masala, , the remainder of the garlic, the cumin, the cinnamon, the sweet chili sauce, the turmeric, the kosher salt, the chicken stock, the rice vinegar and the peach preserves until well mixed.

Heat remainder of oil in large pan over medium heat. Add fish cuts.

Cook fish cuts for 4 and 1/2 minutes per side,or until the fish starts flaking. Reduce heat slightly and add sauce. Stir sauce in with fish for 1-1 and 1/2 minutes. Top rice servings with sauce/fish chunks and dollops of spinach and bean puree.  Garnish with a sprinkle of sumac.

Eat up! (For pescatarians, sub the chicken broth with fish, vegetable, or seaweed broth.)

[britishsass]

Dark Woods Circus AU Chapter 13: A Break From The Circus

Saturday 11PM, it was peaceful in the Motherlobe… well, outside the Motherlobe. Hollis had planned that the performers should step outside the Motherlobe. Raz and Lili did step out of the Motherlobe, mainly because Ford felt a weird energy off them. Hollis had thought of having a bbq and picnic outside the Motherlobe, as Gisu stated that the only performers who stepped outside were her, Morris, Sasha, Milla, and Raz and Lili. Sasha and Milla stepped out when they waltz in the night, Raz and Lili went outside to see Lucrecia. But for Gisu and Morris? It was for survival. But now? All of the performers stepped outside.

Hollis was just finishing the reports of missions, when she heard her office door opening, it was Fred. “You said you needed me?” He asked the Lesser Head. 

“In fact I do.” Hollis responded. Fred sat down on the chair that was in front of Hollis. 

“So… what is it about?” Fred asked. 

“Well it’s about how much the performers have admired the Motherlobe. They still adore the agents. And they made Lucrecia more welcoming.” Hollis spoke. 

“Really?” Fred asked. 

“Of course, but there was one thing that bugged me… it was the day that was the first time they arrived at the Motherlobe.” Hollis spoke.

“What was bugging you?” Fred asked. 

“Well… after me and Agents Delucca and Loboto examined Norma’s body. There was an explosion that had happened inside Loboto’s Lab.” Hollis explained. “It turned out that the dust from the explosion was nothing but Sneezing Powder.” she continued. 

“Sneezing Powder?” Fred asked. 

“Of course, but Norma’s body was dead… but she did have some breathing in her… so she might be braindead.” Hollis responded. 

“What else did you discover?” Fred asked with interest. 

“Well, after we cleaned the mess, Loboto discovered that we had one Mobile Brainjar missing.” Hollis answered. 

“What? But how? Their only activated by a brain!” Fred answered. 

“Exactly, we don’t know who caused the explosion, and we don’t know who has the missing Mobile Brainjar.” Hollis sighed, “But that will have to be put to the side, the company picnic is about to start…” Hollis continued. 

“Yeah, better get ready for the lunch, see you soon Hollis!” Fred waved goodbye. 

“You too Freddy.” Hollis spoke. Wait, did I call him Freddy? Only his fellow agents call him that! 

“Did you call me Freddy?” Fred asked with curiosity. 

Hollis had to find something to say, “I… I…” she stuttered.

“I like it.” Fred replied. That made Hollis blush. 

“Well, thanks. But don’t you have to go?” Hollis asked, 

“I do, well… see you later Holly.” Fred chuckled, that made Hollis’ cheeks flush as red as her hair.

As Fred made it to the kitchen, he grabbed the ingredients to make Ratatouille. He got tomatoes, bell peppers, eggplants, zucchinis, vinegar, ground pepper, majoram, and olive oil. He preheated the oven, placed an iron skillet on a burner and coated the pan with oil. But then he saw Gloria popping her out by the kitchen door looking at him. 

“If you’re wondering, I called her Holly, and she called me Freddy.” Fred responded as he sliced the vegetables thin as paper. 

“But you still haven’t asked her out yet?” Edgar spoke as he arrived as well. 

“Well I haven’t yet. But I do think that the movie date was all what was needed.” Fred responded as he stacked the vegetables in a pattern for the ratatouille. 

“Seriously? That’s it? You just went to see a movie and that’s just it?” Boyd answered as he looked out. 

“Yep, but after this, I may go on another date with her.” Fred replied as he finished the Ratatouille. 

“Well, whatever floats your boat– we’re here to help!” Gloria reassured. Fred chuckled as he got the ratatouille packed.

Now the picnic has begun… most of the food was simple, juice boxes for the kids, chicken sandwiches, pb&j sandwiches, soda, salads, fruits, everything. But the Agents made some food as well. Gloria made some delicious smoothies that had lemon, raspberry, blackberry, maraschino cherry juice, and vanilla ice cream mixed together. Edgar made some gazpacho with chicken and peas. Loboto baked some cookies that were a little burnt on the edges. Lucy crafted a traditional Grulovian Dish, a fruit tart mixed with caviar (gross…). And last was Ford, who made his specialty, honey pepper boar pancakes. Meanwhile, the performers were outside, relaxing and playing. Adam and Morris were resting on Gisu’s back. Raz and Lili were drawing with Dogen on a seperate table. and Lizzie, Dart, and Sam went fishing. Sasha and Milla were watching in the distance, hoping that the children would be safe. And as for Hollis and Fred, they were on a boat. Needless to say that this was romantic to Hollis and Fred… well sort of romantic.

“So… this is nice.” Fred spoke.

“Yeah, it kinda is…” Hollis replied. Fred noticed that Hollis was blushing… 

“Are you ok? You look a little pink.” Fred asked, Hollis snapped back to reality.

“Of course! I’m fine!” Hollis quickly replied. 

“Well either way, this is the best choice I could think of for this date.” Fred spoke.

“Well what can you say? Gloria is a sucker for matchmaking.” Hollis replied, she clearly felt her heart beating fast, she wanted to tell Fred that she loves him, this was the same for Fred. But then…

*SPLASH*

Hollis was struck by a cold splash of water. “Sorry!” Loboto shouted in the distance. 

“It’s alright Agent Loboto, but do practice somewhere else.” Hollis replied. This clearly wasn’t like the first date. At least it was her and Fred, but this? This wasn’t bad at all! In fact, it was… it was good. Surely there’s nothing that could affect her.

“Achoo!” Hollis sneezed. Oh, it was the cold talking, who knew that she can get a cold that quickly, but it did make sense. It was Autumn, and it was going to be cold soon. This wasn’t planned. Fred looked at her with concern. 

“Hollis, is everything alright?” Fred asked.

“Yeah… everything is fine… just a little… cold.” Hollis spoke. 

“Here, let me warm you up.” Fred spoke as he removed his jacket. That made Hollis blush again. 

“Thanks…” Hollis thanked the man, but then he was also strucked by water. 

“Ok then, we need to think of a Hydrokinesis testing area.” Fred spoke. 

“That we do.” Hollis responded, but then she saw something she never forgotten, and never wanted to forget it. Fred removed his shirt again. That made Hollis blush once more. “Are… aren’t you going to get cold?” she asked. 

“Don’t worry, I don’t mind the cold.” Fred replied, “And besides, my clothes can dry themselves in the air.” To which they did… quickly. And Fred placed his shirt back on, as well as his jacket… which not only absorbed the moisture in Hollis’ suit, but also air dried itself as well. 

“Miss Forsythe! It’s time for lunch!” Lili shouted. 

“Guess it’s time to eat!” Fred spoke, he then rowed the boat back to the field.

The picnic table was organized. And needless to say, it was a sight to see– the performers eating food they had never tried. Adam scarfed down on apples and grapes. Lizzie ate some of the bacon pancakes. Morris couldn’t eat much food, but his favorite was the gazpacho, which he drank through a straw. Gisu had always tried water, but she never had juice before, needless to say, it was tasty. Raz and Lili were big eaters, they ate an entire plate of sandwiches. It was saddening to the psychonauts to see the children like this. But it was somehow helping the children.

Sunset arrived and everyone but Fred and Hollis left. “Hey Hollis, I got one more surprise for you.” Fred spoke, he then grabbed her hand and took her to the Gulch to Bob’s Greenhouse, which had two mushrooms as chairs, a tree stump as a table, and it had the ratatouille Fred made. 

“Fred… did you make this?” Hollis asked, 

“Oui, I had some help from Bob and Helmut, in fact… have a seat.” Fred answered as he and Hollis sat down and eat the ratatouille.

“Agent Bonaparte, what you made… it’s amazing.” Hollis replied as she finished the meal. 

“What can I say, I did cook when I was at Thorney Towers.” Fred chuckled. 

“Who knew that the descendant of Napoleon could cook?” Hollis replied. 

“Thanks, but there’s something I should talk about.” Fred spoke. 

“I’m all ears.” Hollis replied. 

“Thanks… did you know that there’s a ticket system for the Circus?” Fred asked. 

“There was?” Hollis asked. 

“Exactly, there are six tickets.” Fred responded. Fred showed his notes to Hollis which revealed six different tickets.

One ticket was pink and had a paw on it.

The next was orange, and it had a clown’s head.

The third was yellow, this time it was a fish.

The fourth had a comedy mask and tragedy mask; it was green.

The fifth was blue and had a wolf’s head.

And the last was purple– it was a heart formed by the treble and bass clef.

“So that’s what the tickets look like?” Hollis asked. 

“Exactly. Anyways, I have to go now…” Fred responded. 

“Well, I’ll see you soon Freddy.” Hollis answered. 

“You too Holly.” Fred chuckled. That made Hollis blush, in fact… it caught the eye of one girl. 

“Agent Forsythe?” Sam asked, Hollis turned around and saw that Sam was spying in the distance. 

“I never thought of saying this, but you’re at your best.” Sam spoke. 

“Samantha, I can handle myself. You need to rest.” Hollis ordered. 

“Very well…” Sam spoke. She then left the gulch, followed by Hollis who walked solemnly. 

“Missed my chance… again!” Hollis spoke to herself.

It was night fall, Sam was sleeping in one of the dorms. She then heard a knock, it was Sasha and Milla, they looked a little worried. “Sasha? Milla? What’s wrong?” Sam asked. 

“It’s 1AM, the children need to head back.” Milla spoke.

Ooh, man– The kids really deserve this sort of joy. As well, just imagining Bob and Helmut helping Fred with cooking, or Lucy helping Gloria to get the boats set up for them, or the whole group together… I love imagining odd friendships, and there’s so much potential for that.

As well– The two of them admitting it’s a date!! And the nickname! Eee, goodness, that’s so freaking cute. I love cheesy nicknames so much, so seeing that mine is being used makes me so happy. 

I wonder if they’ll make it back in time? If they don’t, here’s a little idea for the next bit, but feel free to ignore my idea and use your own instead!

They’re already running late, but they sent an agent or two out to guide them back, making sure it goes as quickly as they can. Since Fred is friendly with most of the performers, he’s the easy choice. Of course, he stops by to visit Hollis before he goes, asking her a quick question.

“Maybe we could go on another date soon? If you want?”

That’s the last conversation they have before Fred and the performers take off to head back. 

(Which, of course, might be too late, and leave him trying to protect himself and the others. After all, you saw what he did when he saw someone in need of help at Thorney Towers– He kept trying to help until it broke him instead.)

As I said, though– It’s all up to you! I just like to think of the saddest version of things.

[getthebutters]

The best lube for anal adventures

Let’s face it, finding the perfect lube for anal is… difficult.

Years back, when I was just a lowly sex blogger, I was asked what’s the best lube for anal. At the time, I championed Boy Butter as the worthiest choice. Since then, things have changed dramatically. The once formidable king of the hill has been supplanted by a pair of all natural, 100% vegan, long-lasting, pH balancing, wonder twins: The Butters Lube & Palm Grease!

Yes, I make The Butters and that means I’m incredibly biased. Still, it was after 7 years testing lubes professionally, I decided to make something better for a couple reasons: traditional lubes cost a lot, even though you have to use a lot; they’re often filled with BS. Now, 13 years in, not much has changed in the industry – even though we’ve seen many competitors pop up and disappear.

That leave The Butters: Lube. With its great conductivity, perfect balance of slick versus tactile, tear prevention, tissue softening, extra-long endurance and versatility for even kinkier play!

The best anal of your life costs less than Netflix

Those other lubes have some catching up to do. Even still, let me give you some more details about why The Butters is the reigning best in ass.

Price:

An 8oz tub of The Butters: Lube cost just $21 shipped. That’s 2 months’ worth of daily butt stuff for just $10.50/mo. or $0.35 per pounding. The best anal of your life costs less than Netflix. Even if you want the CBD versions, the cost isn’t that much more but you will get access to a world of orgasm inducing benefits.

Quality:

I’m not super homo-pathic or whatever, but I like to keep things as simple as possible. That’s partially why I got fed up paying the high prices for other lubes. If I’m paying that much, I deserve better quality.

Take Boy Butter for example, theirs is only partly natural and the ingredients are kind of confusing: Partially Hydrogenated Vegetables Oils, Glycerin, Polysorbate 60, Tecoheryl Acetate, Glyceryl Stearate, Phenyl Trimethicone. On the other hand, The Butters is all-natural, vegan and made to work perfectly with your body. I use only 9 ingredients in The Butters: pure organic aloe vera juice, raw grade a golden Ghanaian shea butter, pure coconut oil, pure extra virgin olive oil, pure grapeseed oil, pure palm kernel oil, pure soybean oil, apple cider vinegar.

There’s no sugar/glycerin to cause yeast infections. Nothing you have to Google to understand. These ingredients are time tested for bodily benefits and I think that’s pretty damn dope.

Endurance:

Boy Butter’s endurance could be a lot better. Now, this isn’t a knock against Boy Butter alone. In fact, almost all lubes don’t last as long as I want them to. That’s why I make sure The Butters will stay slippery through before work quickies and midafternoon marathons. I’ve even got video evidence to prove it.

https://youtu.be/Fmae3Pwqh8w

Overall Performance:

Endurance isn’t the only goal for lube performance, it should also help you feel more connected with your partner. With its unique collection of oils, The Butters melts just below body temp – meaning it’s creamy texture melts quickly to a thin, tactile yet slippery coating. That coating doesn’t mean you have to worry about an oily or sticky build up because your body can absorb and use every ingredient in The Butters.

Made for your body:

Being able to absorb The Butters is crucial to it working so well. The ingredients all have unique properties that make them suited for use in lube. Most notably, though, soybean oil’s skin healing, grapeseed’s anti-inflammatory, and shea’s conditioning work together to prevent tears in the anus and heal the ones that do happen quicker. They work by simply making the anal tissue softer, stronger, and more flexible.

Palm Grease, on the other hand, melts above body temp. It has more of a thick, plush, juicy feel. It completely coats your insides for a deliciously buttery butt hole. Either way, not only will those insides be ready to for action, but they’ll also feel better than ever. Soft, plush, buttery insides are the best. The Butters will help yours stay that way.

Fisting:

One of my favorite activities, even though I don’t do it nearly often enough. In the past, I’ve resorted to using Crisco to avoid spending a fortune on traditional lubes for fisting fun. It’s definitely a classic. But it’s also goopy, takes forever to melt or wash away. Luckily, The Butters Lube & Palm Grease are thick enough to survive elbow deep fun time. Plus, The Butters blend with your natural lubrication, which will only make things easier and more fun.

Possible Negatives:

Even though it's really great for anal, it's not so great with latex condoms. Sadly, non-latex condoms are harder to find in stores and some don't like ordering online. It's not too much hassle but it can be it can be a hurdle for many valid reasons.

Luckily, there's a whole wide world of magnum non-latex condoms available at Lucky Bloke including the female/internal condoms I've raved about. They didn't pay me to say/link that, I just like their shop and management from our work in the past. Also, I think you might find a preference for non-latex condoms. The ones I've used always seem to hug my dick a little better.

[mistabullets]

Can I ask for some male lactation/breastfeeding Diavolo x Doppio reader? With lots of praise ?

Milkin’ It

Characters: Diavolo x Doppio Vinegar

Word Count: 1.02k

Summary: Doppio wakes up in an unexpected heat and Diavolo finds something sweet to taste.

Content Warning: n/s/f/w, male lactation, breastfeeding, hand jobs, male ejaculation, 2nd person pov, a/b/o dynamics, male x male fanfic, obviously diadop

Not SFW under cut ;

“A-Ahh~ a-alpha, please, be more gentle--!”

Your chest is heaving from the little gasps and high pitched moans falling from your plush lips. Calloused fingers of your lover roam and teases your oversensitive nipples with no ease in mind; dark orbs carefully observe the hint of milk making their way to the surface and saturating the sensitive skin of your areolas. Diavolo drinks in the cute expressions twisting on his omega’s face, you, Doppio.

It’s quite rare for a male omega to lactate but when you had forgotten to take your suppressants, the first sign of any issue was the tenderness of your chest. You thought nothing of it, chalking it up to the soreness from your latest mission. Diavolo made a comment about your scent but you halfheartedly reassured him you were still taking the suppressants (but you hadn’t, you forgot to take it for two days now). However, exposed to the summer’s baking moonlight, you awoke unbearably hot - your small cock aching in your pajama pants and the shirt you wore soaked with what you assumed was sweat. Stirring from the shared bed easily had your alpha up along with you, wondering why you were up so late in the evening and why your breaths were so deliciously labored. The scent of your pheromones hit his nostril and they flared, whiffing at the earthy and musky aroma. He sighed, slightly exasperated.

“I guess you've been forgetting to take your meds again, angelo.”

Your loving alpha came to your aid, sitting you down at the corner of the mattress. You whimpered when his bigger hands came to your shoulders, wishing they would explore other areas of your slick skin. While you were indeed sweating and so obviously in heat, the taller man took notice of the wet stains on your chest. He instructed you to raise up your arms and you eagerly obliged, wanting to be free of the fabric constraining you. Upon stripping the pesky shirt off, Diavolo chuckled darkly and licked his lips. You looked down, your throat tightened and breath cut off when you finally noticed the milk leaking from your enlarged buds.

Curiously, your alpha swiped his index finger to gather the creamy milk and gathered at the tip. You bit your lips to suppress an embarrassing noise, which revealed your humiliating arousal if it wasn’t already obvious enough to Diavolo. He brought the substance up to his lips and carefully licked it - he groaned, the milk hitting his tongue and unraveling his composure. Sweet nectar dancing on the tip of his taste buds; he'd never tasted anything like this before. While Diavolo has certainly found the taste of your flesh and juices to be worthy of a king’s meal, the taste of your breastmilk was meant to be a god’s dessert. It was maddening sweet and snapped any senses left, sending pleasuring electricity to his groin.

He eyed you with dangerous fervor and his words dripped with sweet venom, “Guess I’ll have to clean this up, my cute Doppio.”

Now here you are, cradle against your alpha on the bed, backside pressing securely to your lover’s chest and the globe of your ass feeling his growing erection. Fingers eagerly and roughly tweak both of your vulnerable and abused nipples. What was only half an hour felt like an eternity to you, wanting nothing more than to feel the sweet friction and alleviate the tension of your small cock - bobbing and wishing for some attention, wishing to unleash what must have been an avalanche of frustration. Diavolo left forgiving kisses on your neck and shoulder but he takes notice of how you are desperately grinding against his bigger dick, in hopes of getting his attention.

“Use your words, angelo… You’ve been doing so good, tell me what you want.”

“P-Please....! A-Ah, j-just want you to touch me, mmfh--!”

“Silly omega, I am clearly touching you and you seem to be enjoying yourself,” Diavolo teases, his teeth nipping at the flushed skin which has you whimpering, tears dotting the corner of your big brown eyes.

“N-Not my nipples, n-not anymore, please--!” you beg, your voice raspy but you wish you could scream.

“Then tell me where then, bello?” He shifts around and moves your small body so you are now laying on your back. His head lowers to your chest, his lips could now drink from the fountain of your oversensitive bud, milk cascading down to your stomach. You cry out and yelp as teeth grazed over the nipple and the surrounding dark skin. Your smaller hand finds its way to his vibrant hair, gripping it tightly as he brutally attacks and sucks you dry. Black orbs taunt you, looking into your blown out brown pupils, waiting for an answer.

“P-Please, D-Dia, alpha… t-touch my cock! I-I need to cum, p-please~”

“Good boy,” Diavolo praises, adoration in his rumbling voice. A strong hand gingerly cups your small cock, finally giving it some attention. His thumb teases the pretty head of your dick, weeping with pre-cum, slowly beginning his ministration by fervently pumping, finally building up to your climax. Your back arches from the bed and yet Diavolo continues to drink your milk, easily latching on to the perky nipples and drinking your nectar like he is a starved man. He alternates between your overworked buds, making sure to give them each a good amount of attention and making sure each drop of your milk fills his belly. Driven by your cute noises and desperate pleas for release, his hand pumps and pumps, gripping the base tighter and thumb ferociously circling the tip. “Sborra per me, angelo mio, mio dolce ragazzo. Fammi vedere che bravo ragazzo sei stato.”

And you explode, stars prickling your white vision, upon hearing his words, “D-Dia, oh mio dio, sto venendo!” White seed coats the palm of your alpha’s hand, he chuckles and brings his hand to his lips, lapping and licking up the cum. He comes up and gives you a passionate kiss and you taste yourself, the fluids and juices you secrete.

“Do you understand how divine you taste?”

You suppose you do taste quite sweet.

[sif-the-tsunami]

Ropes and Roses part three

Summary: Elizabeth Rosehill is a talented dance instructor and a force of nature that beguiles her famous student. Events in her life, however, have led her to search for more creative ways for her to keep herself afloat. What will she do to keep her dreams secure and what will it mean for her blossoming relationship.

Warning: this passage contains some drunken shenanigans, heavy petting, making out, self deprecating humor, stripping down to ones underwear, sexual frustration, some insecurities, and angst. Oh and the beginning of Elizabeth showing her dominant side. If I missed anything please let me know

Word count: 2500

A/N: If you read it and like it, it would mean a lot to me if you could say something nice!

“And what will the lady be having?” The handsome bartender asked from behind the wooden top.

“Gentleman Jack, two fingers, neat. Please and thank you.” Elizabeth had her face all smooshed up in her hands, cradling her own head, resigning to the feeling of utter defeat. Gregory Chapman had called her and told her that the movie had lost its funding. The promises he made her were now as empty as the glass in front of her. As was her bank account. At least the bartender quickly remedied the empty glass problem. Henry saw her sitting there, her perfect posture was replaced by the pose of someone who wanted to be as small as possible.

“Oh shit, you are taking the news way harder than I thought you would. I also had no idea you liked whiskey.” He saw that her eyes were puffy, she had rubbed the winged eyeliner tip off on one of her eyes. He took the hand closest to him and gave her a gentle squeeze. The best part of having had their lessons was they had grown comfortable with touching each other. He appreciated the intimacy they shared, even if he though it had been platonic on her part. “Cancellations happen pretty often, don’t beat yourself up too much.”

“You were getting so good too.” Her voice came out as a whine, she took a sip of her liquor.

“I was mediocre at best, I just happen to look good while you dance around me.” The gold tinged light above them made her eyes and the drink the same color. Everything about her right then seemed angelic to him, even with her sad expression she glowed. “My only regret is that I won’t get to see you as much. I’ve enjoyed our time together.”

“That is very kind, Henry.” Elizabeth laced her fingers with his. “It was a pleasure to teach you.”

I love how she says my name, he thought. “So, what happens next for you?”

“I have to work harder to try to keep my dance studio open.”

“What do you mean? You have some great teachers, you have full classes.”

“Greg had told me that once he was given the funding he planned on investing in the dance studio with some of his earnings. I’m not sad about the movie being canceled, I’m just sad that this is just one more thing to have gone wrong this year...” she trailed off.

“Want to talk about it?”

“If I start, I will not shut up, I’m sure you don’t want to listen to me bitch and moan for an hour. Don’t you have more important things to be doing?”

“I could listen to you complain all night. Besides, nothing is more important than us getting drunk and possibly finding people to snog with tonight,” he said with the intention of making her laugh, but with a quick look around the pub, it looked like the their options would be limited. “I bet you could charm the pants off that lad at the end there.”

The lad was an older gentleman wearing a newsboy hat and a sweater with patches on the elbow.

“Oh Mr Cavill,” she said in a dreamy, playful voice, “he’s just my type. Do you think he’ll like me?”

“I don’t know Ms Rosehill, you might have to show him a little clevage.”

She pretended to pull the top of her dress down a little, big shit eating grin on her face, “How’s that? Better? Oh please, sir, notice me. Please come tap my ass like a keg!”

The remark caused Henry to choke on his drink. After a deep gasp of air he looked at her incredulously “never mind, you’ll kill the man. Give him a heart attack talking like that.”

The two talked, Elizabeth told him about how earlier that year she had gone through a bitter divorce, her ex had left her with more debt than she would be able to handle by herself and then her mother had passed away. She felt like she was drowning and the first life raft that had been thrown her way was being pulled from her.

“But you know what? I am a pretty damn good swimmer, and my momma didn’t raise no bitch.” She stated. She sat back sagaciously for a moment, “I think that might be the whiskey talking.”

Henry chuckled to himself. They were both a few drinks deep into their conversation and she was feeling it. He paid their tab and took her with him, “Come on, you lightweight, let’s go put some food in you so you don’t black out on me.”

Trying to get the teacher to do anything while she had been drinking was like trying to get a cat to cooperate. Every time they walked for more than a few minutes, she would wonder off some where distracted by anything that caught her attention. He stood there the fourth time when she stopped to look at display of macrons in a window.

“Are you like this every time you drink?”

“No, only when I forget to eat during the day before hand, I’m so hungry, I would perform unspeakable acts if I could get my hands on some fried pickles right now. Are those even a thing here?”

“Fried… pickles?” He responded moderately concerned for her sanity. “Why?”

“Do you want the drunk answer or the athlete answer?”

“Both. Oh my god woman, would you get off of that. You are like the worst version of the worst mission in video games. No, no, no, you wrap your arm around mine right now, I will get you food, I promise. Stay with me, Lizzie, tell me about the pickles.”

“Drunk answer is that they taste good, you know what takes a sandwich from eh to great. Pickles.” She tucked her arm right into his, with his other hand gently resting on top of her arm ready to guide her along. “Athlete answer is that they help re-hydrate you, after work outs, after drinking. Drinking pickle juice always cures my hangovers. Although chips work too, especially with salt and vinegar.”

They found a place still open that was serving delicious smelling fried food. He was together enough to set her down on a curb. “Please stay here. I’ll be right back.”

She leaned against him as soon as he sat down and handed her their snack. It was beginning to get late and a chill in the autumn air was starting to creep in. “You called me Lizzie earlier, I haven’t been called that since I was a little girl.”

“I hate to break it to you, but you still are a little girl. Well, compared to me anyways.” He nudged her with his elbow a little to get a smile out of her. “I hope you don’t mind, I won’t call you that again if you hate it.”

“It is totally fine, I’ve gone by Liz, Lizzie, Lizbeth, Beth. Just please don’t call me Libby. My middle name is Louisa, my ex would call me Libby-Lou, knowing how much I hated that nickname. Made me feel like I should be living in Whoville, waiting for the Grinch to steal my Christmas dinner.”

“They can be the worst, ex’s. They always know where they can jab at you with a mean joke or poke at an insecurity. One of mine would make comments about what I was eating, especially if I was between jobs.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and felt her whole body shiver.

“I’m sorry, you never deserved that.” She said softly. He looked into her eyes, the eyeliner had somehow gotten more smudged, she looked as exhausted as she sounded.

“No, neither did you. I don’t know what all he did to you, but you deserve better too.” His voice came out low and husky. “Do you want to come back to my place, I live pretty close by and you look like you are about to freeze.”

“I don’t know, Mr Cavill, I seem to remember you mentioning something about finding someone to make out with tonight, will I find one there?”

With the straightest face he could possibly muster, “As long as you don’t eat all of my pickles.”

***

A twenty minute walk later, they were in Henry’s home. They were both greeted by a very excited Kal, who snuffled and snorted at his daddy’s new friend. A warm welcoming glow came from the living room where the lights had been left on for his dog. He offered her one of his hoodies to help her warm up and planted her on the couch so he could take his boy to do his business outside. He came back as quick as he, honestly expecting to find her asleep. Instead, she was looking at him with her whiskey colored eyes. He had wanted another drink, and brought them both another glass of the liquor. He sat down at the other end of the couch, trying to respect her space. “Are you comfortable, can I get you anything else?”

“No, I’m warming up well, thank you. You have a beautiful home, it’s nice and cozy.”

“Thank you, I like it here a lot, it is just enough for me. And Kal, for that matter.” His furry buddy was pressing as much of himself against the spot Elizabeth sat on the couch. She was delicately rubbing the area between his eyes and cooing at big beast, his fluffy tail wagging happily. “I think he likes you.”

“Oh good, I’m glad His Lordship approves of me.” She moved her hands to rub his chin. “You are just a big softy aren’t you? Good man, Kal.”

Henry watched them get acquainted, allowing himself to melt into the couch, legs spread apart. She turned her attention to the beautiful man before her. Maybe the booze was making her feel more bold than usual, but damn did she want him. Her mind was still swimming from their earlier adventure. Hopefully, it was an invite to climb between his powerful thighs. She shot back her glass and put the empty cup on his side table. He reached over to her and pulled her close. She positioned herself to face him and straddled his lap. His breath caught in his throat for a moment.

“If I’m being to presumptuous, I can stop. I will go sit on the other side again.” She said quietly.

“No, I want this. I want you.” He reached up, fingers were gently touching the back of her arms.

She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against his, “Before you... we… whatever it is here that we are doing, I need you to know that I don’t know what all I can give to you right now. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I think you are worth the risk,” he whispered to her and they connected.

Henry had wanted this from the first time he placed her hands on him. Every nudge, posture correction, hand offered to help him, whenever he felt her skin on his he felt the current between the two of them and it was electrifying. He felt himself grow hard as she invited him to explore her body. His hoodie was off was off of her body as soon as they started, and then shortly after came her black dress. They continued to make out as she unbuttoned his soft flannel shirt.

He fingers searched the back of her bra for it’s clasp. She broke off their kiss long enough to lean back and unhook it from the front. Henry could feel the pressure building in his jeans as he looked at her body.  All she had left on were knee high black boots and a pair of silky purple panties. Elizabeth gave him a lopsided smile as she leaned back into their embrace. Her fingers danced and tickled down his chest running down to to the bottom hem of his shirt. Henry stopped himself before she removed the cotton undershirt, ever so gently. “Before I take this off, I want you to not be disappointed.”

“Disappointed?” she asked breathlessly.

“I don’t look like Geralt right now. I’m in my off season, and I don’t know what kind of expectations you have...” Elizabeth slowly ran her hands back up his chest.

“I like you, Henry: your beautiful, overthinking, intelligent mind; your sweet nature; your burning passions. You as a person.” peppering his neck and face with tender kisses, her hands tangling in his hair. “Everything else is just sprinkles on a cupcake.”

“Sprinkles on a cupcake?” he smiled. She nibbled on his ear and he moaned, hungry for more.

“Cupcakes don’t need sprinkles to be delicious, I have never refused a cupcake because it didn’t have sprinkles on it.” She ran her fingers back down to the bottom of his shirt. “So, Mr Cavill, do I have permission to take your shirt off?”

“Yes, Ms Rosehill, you do.” The woman on top of him pulled the garment off, never breaking eye contact. After it’s removal, she kept a firm grip on his arms, inching ever closer to his wrists. With her hands on them, Elizabeth pressed her weight against his wrists and pinned him as best she could to the back of the couch. She ground her pelvis against his as she started nibbling and kissing his neck, her torso against  his. Appreciating the nuzzling and nibbles on his neck, he closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for her to continue.

All he felt was her soft breathing against his skin. A moment later her hands dropped from his wrists. Henry tried to move himself to see what what was going on when a soft snore came from his would be lover. He rubbed his face, not believing what had just happened.

“Liz… Lizzie… wake up, sweetheart.” He tried kissing her cheek to wake her. The only response she gave was tucking her arms to her chest and adjusting her head on his shoulder. He groaned, but knew what he had to do. Elizabeth was as limp as a rag doll, so he guided her arms through his flannel shirt, placed her down gently on the couch and prepared his guest room for her. Making sure his warmest duvet was on the bed, he left a bottle of water and some Tylenol on the bed side table for her. He carried her to the room and tucked her into bed, making sure a pillow was wedged behind her back to keep her on her side.  Henry then went to his room, fell face first into bed and yelled directly into a pillow. 

[johannstutt413]

(requested by anonymous)

The Doctor’s office was always open for walk-ins - in fact, it was almost necessary for it to be - but at a certain point, he had to go back to his apartment, so it wasn’t unusual for him to have visitors. On this night, as he watched his frozen pizza cook in the oven, there was a knock on his door. “It’s open!” He called out, peering his head around the corner to see who it was...and stopping himself from vocalizing his shock.

“Hey, Doctor.” It was Lappland. She was shaking, and her face was red and visibly wet even from the distance between them, but there was no mistaking her for anyone else. “I...I need to talk to you.”

“Take a seat on the couch. Do you like pizza? I’ve got a meat lover’s in the oven right now.”

The Lupo nodded. “Sure, I’ll take some...and something to drink, while you’re up.”

“Alcoholic or non-?” He checked his fridge. “I’ve got beer, orange juice, bottled water, mineral water, sparkling water, seltzer, cola...Any of that sound good?”

“Something that doesn’t burn. My throat’s still sore from screaming at her.”

Ah. “Is that her Texas by any chance?”

“Her girlfriend.” As he brought her a couple bottles of water, he realized she was lying flat on the couch, staring at the ceiling. “We were just talking, and she said it was no wonder Tex didn’t want to talk to me, and...well, she walked in while I was giving her chew toy a piece of my mind, and the look she gave me was...I’ve never seen that look on her face before.”

“So the two of you got into a screaming match today? I’m only now hearing about it, so I guess everyone else just took it as business as usual...What look did she give you? I’ve never seen you so rattled.”

Lappland looked him in the eye. “The killer glare.”

“Oh.” The Doctor was quite familiar with that look - the flash of the eye that told a person you were going to kill them, and there was nothing they could do to save themselves. “You’re still alive, at least.”

“I ran. All I ever wanted was to have the Texas back who treated me like a friend, you know?...Like a person.”

The oven beeped as he replied, “You have to admit, your way of showing it doesn’t sit well with most people.”

“I can’t do anything about that!” The Lupo groaned. “All these rocks buzzing in my head, I can’t help it!...Besides, what’s wrong with watching the world burn from the top of it...”

“Speaking from experience, the top gets lonely after a while. Hey, do you like the slices with the big air bubbles in the crust?”

What a random question. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Score.” A moment later, he returned with two plates, each with half a pizza, and set them on the table. “Can I sit down?”

“Sure.” She moved her legs so he could sit down, but set them in his lap once he had.

In response, the Doctor set the plate on her stomach. “You can’t eat lying down, Lappland.”

“I’m not hungry right now,” she replied. “I just like the warmth...God, I’m such an idiot.”

“There are some things you can’t control; I’ve got my own impulses from my infection.”

Lappland raised her head again. “You’re infected?”

“Mmhmm.” He smirked. “I think Kal’tsit gave it to me before I lost my memory. The scar looks like a Feline bite to me.”

“So the Doctor’s got a history? With her, though? And I thought I was crazy.” The Lupo chuckled.

He shrugged. “I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping myself under control, but if you ever see my eyes start to wander, you know what’s happening.”

“You’re blaming that on being infected?” That one earned a cackle. “That’s sad.”

“So is blaming being a bitch on it, but that doesn’t stop you.”

“...Doctor-”

He shook his head. “Don’t give me that. Sometimes, yes, it’s because your brain’s being fried by the crystals building up there, but sometimes, it’s just your love for schadenfreude and seeing people’s reactions to your bullshit. I can tell the difference, and once you were back in your comfort zone, it came out. Even if you can’t stop the rocks buzzing in your head, you can at least try not to antagonize people when you are in control.”

“I...you’re right.” She sniffled. “I’m...I’m just too weak now-”

“To hell with that - you’re one of the strongest people I know.”

Okay, now he was seriously confusing her. “I am?”

“To be where you are, fighting the way you do, and coming home alive with only scratches at worst most days? That’s physical strength. Living day after day with the emotional trauma and physical pain Oripathy has forced on you? That’s mental strength. You’ve got both in spades; I know with a little effort, you could turn this around and be someone people would be happy to call a friend, but that’s not what you want. Still, if all you want is Texas back, that’s the best way to do it: don’t try to change her, but change your behavior. Honey attracts more flies than vinegar.”

“...Ugh.” She groaned at him. “What are you, a therapist?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I’ve got to have a degree of some kind to be called the Doctor, but that’s not the real reason.”

“Oh? What is, then?”

“Well...” He took the plate off of her and set both of them on the table. “I don’t want the person I’m attracted to suffer, you know?”

With that, Lappland finally sat up, moving closer to him in the process. “Me? Of all people?”

“Yeah...If what you want is to be the kind of person that can win Texas back, I’ll be there for you, but I don’t mind the person you are now...I sound like a creep, saying this now of all times-”

“How the hell are you okay with me?” She was reaching for his shoulder, hesitantly, as if one touch might shatter the illusion in front of her. “And why haven’t you said anything before?”

The Doctor looked at her with a face marred by exhaustion. “Be honest - would you even consider me if you thought you had a chance to win Texas back?”

“As long as you didn’t want me to share her, maybe.”

“...Heh.” He felt her hand touch him, with a gentleness he never could have imagined coming from her, and something exploded in the back of his head. “Hehehehehe...You really would?”

The Lupo looked over at the front door, which she’d locked behind her because she didn’t want anyone interrupting their talk. “And since I don’t have a chance of that anymore...Where’d she bite you?”

“Right shoulder.” He turned to look at her head-on.

“Good to know.” She reached past his other shoulder to wrap her arms around him and pull him on top of her. “I’ll have to mark you somewhere else.”

His eyes widened. “Mark me?”

“You’re mine now, aren’t you? I can’t have people not realizing that...but I’ll worry about that later.”

“I’ll look forward to it, then.” The Doctor settled in, putting his head between hers and the back of the couch and kissing her cheek. “You must be exhausted.”

Lappland sighed. “Yeah, I am. That’s why I’m not complaining about being your pillow.”

“Would you rather be on top?”

“Yeah...” He stood up. “Wait, no, it was fine-”

He picked her up and carried her off the couch. “My back would kill me for lying down on that couch.”

“...There’s no way in hell I deserve any of this.”

“Nope,” the Doctor agreed as he took her to his room, “but spoiling you is as close to heaven as I’ll get, so don’t worry about it too much.”