#no such thing as prior texts here lol

[tiddiesoutwhenthetisout]

Do you have a headcanon that you like so much that you practically automatically include it when you think of the character the headcanon is about?

i will try to list a few, as i remember best when i trigger an associated memory (i think-- i'd like to think my memory still works 🤣).

tbh i held off on answering this since i can't think of a good hc from the top of my head hahaha

it's not going to be substantiated by historical texts or information since i have very limited knowledge in those areas. these are silly little hcs i inferenced from the most random places.

Patroclus:

- he has very nice names for his dogs. he thinks of each one very well as he walks back to camp after rescuing the animal from destruction. he constantly thinks about it, and of course they have meanings, but i'm unfortunately not greek so i can't dive deeper into that :') something like "child of vast plains" (one word) as in free. like his wishes for each dog. "never suffering a lack of", such and such. depending on his observations of each dog's personality.

- tired dad but also playful piece of shit uncle vibes.

- i like to think he genuinely enjoys the adrenaline of high stakes (gambling- which totally started as a joke because i saw a post saying he 'killed a boy over dice #gamblingaddiction') but doesn't participate much when the soldiers play because he has his dutiful side lol. when he decides to come out and participate, he keeps winning.

- voice smooth as honey and chocolate but he's a little tone deaf.

※ also, grey eyes patroclus truther over here. and that he probably got his medical talents from his mother, whoever it was.

Achilles:

- stays in his tent most of the time. the longer the war went on, the more he closed himself off, save for a few of his own men and his close friends (patroclus, antilochus, automedon, ajax, teucer...) he does get out for celebrations but he tends to get sick of merrymaking easier than others so he retires early. would complain to patroclus about several things in his day as they tend to their body pains and weapons/armor maintenance. this says a lot about my general impression of his personality. i don't need to spell out that i think he's dramatic lol

- has a green right eye and a deep black left iris (from thetis). i made this on accident with a sketch but i really like the idea of him being *slightly* unsettling when they see him the first time instead of a flawless blonde child. sure he still is, but i'd like in-universe characters to have more of a reason to not approach him. and well... pay thetis a little bit of tribute hahaha. i deleted other appearance hcs for him and patroclus, realizing i can just add those when i post my wip character design sheets. but here's a zoomed shot of his face as a 12 year old:

- likes theater. would have tried for it himself if he didn't have to be a warrior. has made several songs throughout his life especially in childhood but has never documented them. forgets them in the morning.

Odysseus:

- nearsighted. idk if there's anything to prove this otherwise, but i just slapped it on him. he doesn't recognize people super easily by their faces, but he goes by other things instead like height or voice, or their most prominent features. that's also how he hunts or kills. he doesn't really know this ofc, and has just been doing it his whole life. now he doesn't know his son's face very well, so i'd like to add this to the moral dilemma of throwing astyanax off the wall more than it already is.

- short king idk 5'1". 5'2" if he's wearing shoes hehe. has the same height with penelope. telemachus is 5'3" (without shoes). the genes are improving!

Menelaus:

- diomedes and odysseus second father figure. this probably has a lot of contradicting evidence, but let me sit with the funny image that it started as a joke at first then they found menelaus just has very basic dad instincts. has, on many nights, gotten drunk and cried about helen leaving him.

- has to watch his blood pressure (sorry).

Diomedes:

- values the concept of family higher than most. he doesn't spell it out in the open of course, but it's one of the things that sets him apart as well.

※ so i took a break, got curious about diomedes and looked up his future after troy. that hc does not bode well with his wife's status after his return 💀

Pyrrhus:

- has red hair (sometimes a "duh" moment for me considering his name is literally fire-haired/red-haired; I've seen blonde depictions of him).

- 5'6". slightly taller than average, but shorter than his father because his god blood is more diluted than.

- very cold and steadfast when he first showed up. i want to believe that he was not that all throughout. he learned to commune with other soldiers, although awkward and unsure. somehow, he became like another achilles; the youngest of the soldiers, the man who would spearhead the attack by proposing the idea of the trojan horse (i read somewhere it was him, and then some say odysseus, some say both). he would look quizzically at handshakes but would accept. he'd be so confused by whooping and hugging and cheering after battle, but didn't resist the warmth of it. he unfortunately didn't have time to explore that side of life before he died.

i think i'll end it there 🤣 i'm not that well-acquainted with other characters, but you yourself wrote about automedon and balius and xanthus being tamed by patroclus, so i also believe that now actually.

[xinganhao]

💘 fake dating seungkwan.

☆ Breaking: SEVENTEEN's Seungkwan Confirms He's In A Relationship [BREAKING] 30m ago

Boo Seungkwan of SEVENTEEN confirms that he's currently dating someone. This comes on the heels of Dispatch reports that Seungkwan is involved in a romantic relationship with an actress.

Seungkwan's agency, Pledis Entertainment, has confirmed the idol's relationship status. "Seungkwan is seeing someone with positive feelings," the agency says in a statement. "We hope that you will look warmly upon their relationship."

Congratulations to the couple!

Listen to SEVENTEEN's newest mini album 'SPILL THE FEELS' here.

COMMENTS • 204 COMMENTS

r/kpop • 3d ago donquix0tes

'Fake dating' contracts?

i swear i'm not just in denial about bsk's dating news (LOL) but i heard rumors that 'fake dating' exists in the industry, especially between actors/actresses - idols??? they said it's this whole underground thing so the actors get more traction, the idols get more streams. is this real or is it just stuff you see in fanfics 😂 i'm asking because i can be a bit gullible lmfao

↑ 30 ↓ 🗨 12 ↷ Share

Contract No. 052615PROFESSIONAL SERVICES AGREEMENT

THIS AGREEMENT made and entered into this 28th day of SEPTEMBER 2024 by and between BOO SEUNGKWAN, hereinafter called IDOL, and [YOUR NAME], hereinafter called ACTRESS for a FAKE DATING ENGAGEMENT.

A. IDOL and ACTRESS agree to engage in a fake relationship for the intents and purposes specified under I: RATIONALE, which by this reference is incorporated herein.

B. This Agreement shall take effect on OCTOBER 28, 2024; contingent upon prior approval to the agencies of IDOL and ACTRESS. The Agreement shall end on MARCH 31, 2025, unless earlier terminated or extended by contract amendment.

C. IDOL/ACTRESS may terminate this Agreement for its convenience any time, in whole or part, by giving the opposing party fourteen-day (14-day) written notice thereof.

NEXT PAGE ⟶

seungkwan updates @boosadanfiles seungkwan at the recent christian louboutin event 🥹 in the caption of the post, he said @yourusername was his date! 🗨 191 ⟳ 1.8K ♡ 5.9K

´◡` ꗃ @yourusername lucky to be doing this with a friend. you make it easy, @hit_thekwan. — Jeju-do, South Korea 🗨 1 ♡ 3

🍊 ꗃ @hit_thekwan Replying to @yourusername we still have three more months 😆 don't give up on me yet

From: Boo Seungkwan <boo.seungkwan98@gmail.com> To: You <yourname@gmail.com> Date: March 31, 2025 Subject: so..?

this e-mail is being written right after my meeting with my company, but right before i text you lol. i'm going to schedule send this for the end of our contract so this is actually going to be a letter from seungkwan of the past 👻 don't be spooked! hehe

jokes set aside, i don't know what the next couple of months will look like. i understand why this is being done. you need the publicity for your drama... we have our cb... bla bla bla. it's all the usual stuff in this godforsaken industry

honestly, when i first got approached with the idea of faking a relationship for the group's benefit, i was 10000% ready to say no. but. i found out who it was going to be

and i just thought, like, okay. we already know each other. we're friends! and i guess i just wanted to make sure things would be easy for you, too. bc you deserve someone who will understand you, who will help you and be there for you through something hellish as this

so here's some promises i'll make you, even though you won't see them until much later lololol: i promise to be THE best fake boyfriend there is!!! i'll be cooperative, i'll play the part. i'll try to make sure this arrangement doesn't feel like work (even though it is), and when it's too much, we can run away to jeju for a weekend (just kidding) (or am i?)

by the time you get this, you'll know whether i got to do all that lol. make sure to hold me accountable ok!!! if i wasn't a good fake boyfriend, then show me this and i'll get you a meal, your choice. if i was a good fake boyfriend... well, that was the goal 🤞

i feel like this is already getting super long, so i'll end it now. i'm going to text you to see what you think of the arrangement. hopefully, you're fine with it, or else this would all just be a waste of writing lol. see you, fake girlfriend :)

forever yours, your bf-to-be seungkwan 🍊

p.s. this is the embarrassing part so i'm burying it in the very bottom 🤷 but i also hope that this whole thing will give me the courage to say what i really want to, which is something like

p.s.s. they didn't have to contract me to date you. i would've done it on my own accord. i would've done it for free.

p.s.s.s. i was ready to do all of it, only because it's you

[eoieopda]

FINE I'M HERE TO REQUEST PART 3!!! In which Chan better really GET that promotion!!!!!!! Contract signed, payroll amended!!!!!

You can make it angsty if you like, AS LONG AS you promise there will be a happy ending (in this part or........ Another 👀)

the one with chan and the promotion (iii)

you needed a ride home after getting your wisdom teeth removed. chan just so happened to be free. now, being free is the last thing he wants.

part i. part ii.

pairing: bang chan x reader au: fuck buddies to lovers, hurt/comfort type: drabble (angst, fluff) rating: 18+ | minors do not have my consent to interact with me and/or my content. wc: 3.1k cw: mad!chan makes a brief appearance but otherwise remains the best boy; gn!reader (no gendered language used); reader may or may not show some degree of emotional availability (gasp!); due to the nature of their relationship, sex is referenced but not actually depicted; very briefly/incompletely edited, oops. a/n: i love you completely and am so fucking sorry it took four (4) months for me to finish this 😵‍💫 i have an epilogue i can offer in penance, if you want it! everyone else, please read the first two parts before reading this!

Chan may be an idiot, but at least he’s self-aware.

He knew it was a bad idea to get his hopes up; to expect that things would change quickly between you, if at all. Even though he saw the letdown coming from a kilometer away, he didn’t do a thing to brace himself for it. It’s his fault, he knows, for exaggerating his place in your life — but that doesn’t make the disappointment bruise any less when the week after your wisdom teeth removal flies by in radio silence.

The lack of conversation isn’t for lack of trying. As he scrolls through your half-vacant text thread now, Chan feels all his efforts staring back at him. All those attempted check-ins marked delivered but not well-received. Swings and misses.

Prior to sending each one of them, he spent minutes upon minutes agonizing over the tone — and the use of emojis — and the possible implications of the proposed emojis — and the fear that he’d just come off clingy, not invested. Reading the finished versions back now, he can recall with perfect accuracy the drafts he typed out and immediately, feverishly deleted. Considering the way they litter his brain, there may as well be a trail of crumpled-up notes in all that metadata.

Does it make Chan cringe to look back and watch himself flatline? Absolutely.

Does that stop him from salting his own wounds? Nope. It never has and likely never will.

Maybe, he figures, he’ll spot where he went wrong and find a way to un-dig this ditch he’s seemingly made.

[Sent 2024/7/23, 15:22] Just got home. Have you fallen back asleep already? Lol 

Naver says your swelling might be kind of bad tomorrow. Do you need ice packs? I have the gel kind that you can mold. Might be more comfortable than a bag of ice cubes 🤔 Lmk!

[Sent 2024/7/25, 08:03] Hi, Hamtori 🐹 How are your cheeks?

I made too much gamjaguk again. I can drop some off if

[Sent 2024/7/26, 17:49] Graduate to solid foods yet?

I hope the antibiotics aren’t making your stomach upset

DON’T LAUGH but I made you a super chill Spotify playlist with healing vibes to

Idk if you remember, but I promised to take you out for pork belly next week. If you’re up for it, are you free on

I miss y

[Sent 2024/7/29, 00:16] Hey

Or maybe, he thinks, he’ll just beat his head against his bedroom wall instead; and eventually, he’ll forget what it felt like to be yours for the day, rather than a night.

Four more days pass without a word from you. Under normal circumstances, one of you would’ve invited the other over at least twice in the eleven days since your dental appointment. No matter how infrequently the two of you chatted outside of your recurrent trysts, neither one of you has ever gone this long without summoning the other.

Something is wrong.

At this point, Chan sees two explanations for the way you’ve fallen completely off the grid: you’ve either succumbed to some tragic, post-op. complication and died, or he’s irreparably fucked something up with you without knowing how or when he misstepped. Neither one of those is an outcome he’s willing to accept. 

The voice in his head nags him so forcefully and consistently that his body eventually gives in. Undeterred by his better judgment, Chan lets it guide him up, out, and onward until he winds up on the sidewalk outside his building.

On the walk to your apartment, he mulls over the foreseeable consequences of the actions he’s already set in motion. It’s certifiably insane to pop in you like this, and once again, he only sees two options: you’ll slam the door in his face, or he’ll confirm once and for all that you’ve left this mortal coil. Bad on all counts, really, but anything is better than nothing.

His timing, as it turns out, couldn’t be better. Right as he lands at the front door, when he needs to think of a way to get in without buzzing you, a neighbor he’s seen once or twice before opens it to leave. Politely, they hold it open for him, likely mistaking him for someone with any right to be there — someone whose proximity to you actually makes sense. Chan thanks them with a nod of his head and a sheepish smile before slipping through the opening.

As the elevator ascends, his fingers move of their own accord, anxiously tapping out a rhythm on the stainless steel wall he leans against. Every worst-case scenario flashes through his mind. There’s a flash of something else there, too, though. Something even more nerve-wracking than all his catastrophizing; something that makes his stomach flip.

Hope.

“Oi, none of that,” he mutters to himself.

It doesn’t work. When Chan approaches the doors in the second before they open, he makes eye contact with his reflection and sees that easy, ill-advised smile creeping up on him.

As he exits that giant metal box, he shakes his head with an anxious laugh. If he’s this embarrassed by himself when he’s alone, the chances of him living through the way you’re about to look at him are…

Well…

Abysmal.

But that doesn’t stop him from powering his way down the hall towards your door. Coincidentally, neither does the fact that he doesn’t have a plan for what he’ll do when he reaches it.

Figuring knocking is as good a start as any, that’s precisely what Chan does, shifting his weight from one foot to the other to appear more nonchalant. 

Then, he waits.

And then, he waits some more.

After thirty seconds pass without a response, Chan knocks again, carefully balancing the weight of his fist against it so the sound of it isn’t too assertive — or too eager — or too desperate — or —

“Left about an hour ago,” a voice says from a few meters away.

Chan turns towards the sound. Several units down, an old woman’s head pokes out of an open doorway. He can’t tell if she’s intentionally frowning at him or if it’s the weight of her jowls pulling the corners of her mouth down. Either way, it feels bad.

Running an anxious hand over the back of his increasingly warm neck, he coughs, “Oh?”

The ajumma clicks her tongue disapprovingly. “You young people never put those cell phones down and yet you still wind up like this.” She works herself up further; her nostrils flare as she rambles, “In my day, it was rude to show up unannounced. We called ahead, and when we called ahead, people were there to answer the door.”

Chan isn’t above arguing with some personified wrinkle, but he likes to think you would be. Even though you’re not here to witness it, it feels important to be the person you might like him to be. 

So, he bites his tongue. 

He nods yet again with a polite smile.

He turns on his heels.

And when he shuffles back towards the elevator, there’s a hell of a lot less of a spring in his step.

Two days go by after Chan’s little fieldtrip. Just like the previous several, they slip away quietly. This time, however, he doesn’t check-in — doesn’t type out his thoughts just to immediately erase them; doesn’t stare at his phone and wait to prove it to himself that it won’t chime.

Lesson learned, really.

It was a bad idea to bet the house on maybes. He knew it on the front end and still chose optimism; now, it serves him right. Played stupid games and won stupid prizes, as you like to say. If only he could stop thinking about what you like to say and instead focus on the fact that you haven’t said anything at all.

Chan grits his teeth and tries hard to focus on the game lighting up his monitor. Whatever Yongbok talked him into playing doesn’t make him feel any better about fumbling you — in fact, it’s proving to be yet another thing he’s terrible at — but it’s sufficiently distracting to have his friends swearing each other up and down in their Discord voice channel.

Actually, he stands corrected. This is also terrible, albeit a different flavor of garbage than his hopeless mooning over you.

Maybe radio silence is better.

As soon as that thought crosses his mind, his phone buzzes against the surface of his desk — three long taps bookended by three short ones. 

Before Chan reaches for it, he lets the poetry of it all sink in. SOS, his phone declares whenever you text him. Originally, although he’ll never fucking tell you so, he chose that text tone because hearing from you salvaged his day, every time. Now, it reminds him that he’s in over his head with no life preserver in sight.

Not bad, he thinks. He should write that bit down in the notebook of lyrics he ruminates over but never puts to music, let alone shares.

The lack of action on his part prompts his phone to vibrate again for emphasis. 

SOS!

Beaming white light bores into his retinas when he finally opens his inbox, and Chan refuses to think about the million times you’ve told him to switch to dark mode or the infinitely-brighter shit he’s been roasting under since he started this game several hours back. All he thinks about instead is the first grey text in an ocean of blue:

[2024/8/04, 23:37] you up?

You tilt your head to the side, smiling coyly when you crack open the door and find Chan standing on your doorstep with his hood up and hands in his pockets. Outside the windows behind you, the downpour he just trudged through continues to dampen his mood.

“Fancy meeting you here,” you lilt, like nothing has changed at all.

That’s the problem, isn’t it?  

Chan lifts his chin slightly as some half-assed nod to let you know that his ears work, if nothing else. Either missing his stony expression or ignoring it, you simply open the door wider, beckoning him to follow you with a gentle wave of your free hand.

He wants so badly to smile back at you as easily as you smile at him — really, he does, but fuck, he can’t make his face do anything but harden.

Once he toes off his shoes, he expects you to lead him straight to your room — or your couch — or any of the other various surfaces the pair of you have misappropriated along the way. You don’t, though. With your lips pensively pursed, you shuffle a bit closer; and as soon as you can reach him properly, you raise both of your hands. One flattens against his now rain-soaked sweatshirt; the other goes for his zipper, tugging gently until there’s nothing left to hold him together.

Carefully, Chan eyes you; watches while you slip the fabric off his shoulders, as if it isn’t twice as heavy as it was when he put it on. Like it’s easy, you turn away, open the nearby closet, and toss that wet mess into the top-half of your standing washer-dryer.

“I think…” Your tiny, upward curve returns while your sentence peters out. Softly, you reach up and brush a damp curl off his forehead. “An umbrella would be a worthwhile investment.”

He should join in on the bit. He should banter right back. He should smile, too — for fuck’s sake — because you’re finally right here. You’re talking to him within touching distance, radiating warmth he wants to live in, and he should touch you the way you want to be touched — the way you summoned him here to touch you.

He should do a lot of things, none of which include snapping at you, and yet —

“Why the hell am I here?”

It catches you both off-guard. You, because Chan has never once spoken to you any other way but kindly. Him, because you don’t actually look all that surprised by the sentiment, even if the presentation isn’t what you expected.

Somehow, that’s the thing that stings the most; not the way your face falls at his gruffness but the inkling you must have had before you asked him over that things between you aren’t sitting right at all.

Chan doesn’t get a response, so he asks another way: “Did you notice all of those unanswered texts when you sent yours, or did you ignore them all over again?”

It dawns on you — and him too, if he’s being honest — that you’ve still got your hands resting delicately on his chest. You reel your arms back in and cross them, not defiantly but diminutively. You shrink right in front of him; and regret hits him like a fist to the side of his skull.

“I didn’t know what to do with them.” Your head lowers while you do your best to look anywhere else.

That’s —

“Bullshit. I’m sorry, but it’s really not hard to keep up a conversation, especially when someone is just asking how you’re feeling.” Instantly he feels terrible for snapping. Softening his tone slightly, he sighs, “I know you know how.”

You look up at him without tilting your head much at all. Peering over that brick wall of yours, he figures. “That’s the thing, though. I don’t know.”

The face he pulls must convey what he’s thinking: Are you fucking kidding me? But you’re quick to prevent him from jumping to any further-out conclusions, amending, “I don’t know how I feel.”

Chan opens his mouth to respond, then thinks better of it. It’s rare for you to open up to the extent you might be about to; and it’s a miracle that you might be willing to now, given the fact that he’s come at you blindly at 160 kilometers per hour.

“I don’t like needing people.” 

Your attention is drawn to your fidgeting fingers and the drawstring of the sweatpants they occupy themselves with. The overwhelming urge he feels to grab them, to hold them still, goes ignored and makes his own hands tense. He focuses hard on your face instead; the crease between your eyebrows while you plot out your next steps.

“I didn’t want to need you, but then I did need you — and you just… you came, no questions asked.” You laugh, either despite your visible discomfort or because of it. “Held my hand and all that, didn’t just drop me on the curb and say, hit me up when you’re down again.”

Chan feels as if he’s been punched, although it’s not offense he takes from your statement. Judging by that flicker of hurt in your eyes, the expectation you had wasn’t for him, personally. It was history. 

You shift where you stand from one foot to another, like that weight on your shoulders is changing. He doesn’t know if it’s getting heavier or lighter until you finally lift your chin to look at him squarely. 

“It scared the shit out of me, honestly — how easy you are to need — so, I did what I always do: I bailed.” Sighing, you finally seem to register how much anxiety you’re holding in your hands. You drop it, then drop them to your sides. “But I think I’ve figured it out.”

You smile slightly, and suddenly, he feels lighter. “I’ve been conflating them, but they’re completely different things, aren’t they?”

Chan arches an eyebrow. Truly, he’s at a loss. He can’t predict which direction you’re about to turn in. Seeming to sense this, you answer his unasked question, “Wanting to need you and wanting you.”

While this makes his brain pause, his body moves. Cautiously, he steps forward and watches you counter him until your back is flush against the wall behind you. 

“Can I have a definition, then, please?” He pleads, voice low, while his hands gently claim your hips. “Because I thought it was want behind the booty call that brought me here, and I don’t want to find myself on a completely different page again.”

You link your arms around his neck and eye him carefully. “It was,” you acknowledge with a small nod. “Different kind, though — a shallow one.”

Chan finds his mouth curving up at the corner, all on its own. His gaze drops from yours to your lips, then back again. It’d be so easy to kiss you now, but he can’t unless he gets some sort of confirmation. “We’re in the deep end now, then?”

“Moving that way, at least. I spook easily, though…” You’d probably love nothing more than to look away when you admit that bit out loud, but to your credit, you don’t. Instead, you run your fingernails softly through the hair at his nape. “I’m not entitled to any more of your patience, but would you be willing to take it one day at a time?”

Chan wishes that he’d at least pretended to consider this. He doubts you’ve ever had a vision of him as someone nonchalant — in fact, he’s the poster boy for chalance in whichever reality that word exists — but it would’ve been infinitely cooler of him not to respond immediately and wholeheartedly with a rushed sigh, “Fuckin’ right, I am,” before leaning in to kiss you absolutely stupid.

Whatever gratification he can’t find by licking into the mouth you open eagerly for him, he finds in the way you keen when he presses his body more fully against yours. The payoff is even better when he stops short, divorcing your respective lips entirely.

“I’m not gonna fuck you,” he announces, breathless. His grin widens; meanwhile, your eyebrows shoot up your forehead. “No! Not, like, never — I don’t have that kind of resolve — but not tonight.”

The sudden switch makes you dizzy. Thankfully, it makes you laugh, too. 

“Don’t tell me you just want to enjoy my company,” you warn. You attempt to say it earnestly, but a smile cracks you wide open. “I’m still too prone to bolt when I hear cute shit like that.”

Chan shakes his head. “No, I’m telling you to plant yourself on that couch —” He pulls his right hand off your left hip and gestures blindly over his shoulder. “I’m also telling you that I am getting takeout.”

You narrow your eyes in feigned suspicion. “I wonder what you could possibly be ordering.”

“Belated pork belly is better than no pork belly.” He narrows his eyes to mirror hours, then kisses you quickly, murmuring, “One for the road,” against your lips.

Then, he dashes off towards your front door. As he goes, he just barely catches you nagging him through your laughter:

“If you’re not going to wait for your sweatshirt, can you at least take an umbrella?”

while likes are appreciated, comments/tags/reblogs with your thoughts are really what make my brain go brrrtt.

skz taglist. multi taglist. navigation.

due to tumblr being ass with tags lately, i’m going to be tagging people in the comments for the time being!

[avwfcstan]

Heart Stopper | Leah Williamson

A/N: this was rushed and probs sucks boooo, will probably do a follow up part too (also not proofread lol)

There were many things that gave you a nervous fluttering in your chest; waking up on your birthday, receiving awards, doing interviews and even meeting fans.

But there was also a few things that made that feeling a hundred times more intense. Playing for your country, and whenever Leah looked at you.

It was cliché, but the two of you were completely head over heels for each other. Leah's gaze was the most beautiful thing you ever had the pleasure of catching, but it would always make your heart race a little faster in your chest. Your fiancée often teased you about how nervous you got when you made eye contact especially considering the four years you had been together, but you just couldn't explain it.

Leah looked at you with so much love and affection, a genuine feeling behind her eyes that made you question what you had done to deserve love like hers. Her eyes never failed to make you smile, and appreciate what you had. She was your world, more important than anything in your life; including your career.

You could think of a thousand different examples of times Leah had made you nervous, when you met, when you finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, when you met her family, winning the Euros with her. But nothing would beat how her eyes brimmed with happy tears when you got down on one knee that night in Athens, during a holiday just after England's victory in the summer.

There was a lot of things that made your heart race, beat against your chest as though it was ready to burst, but Leah would always be at the top of your list.

Today was no different, except you had plenty more reasons to be jittery.

Not too long ago, you were called up to represent England at the World Cup and before you knew it, the time was here. Unfortunately, your soon-to-be-wife had sustained an injury to her ACL a few months prior, and it had left her out of the squad indefinitely due to her recovery period. It was tough time for Leah, but you had remained by her side throughout, and she would be forever thankful that you were.

You had played at your best, as well of the rest of the team and it earned you a spot in the semi-finals against France. It was going to be a very tough game, but you had made it this far, and nobody planned on going home early.

No matter how many times you played for your country, it was still scary. Even though you had played well so far, you were so worried it could all go wrong. That feeling in your chest could be a spiteful bastard, and sometimes turn sour at the worst times. It would become a tight feeling, painful and hard to ignore. But in your line of work, it was something that had to be ignored.

"How you feeling, speedy?" A voice had quickly snapped you out of your thoughts. Turning your head to see Millie Bright taking a seat beside you in the changing room that was already full of eager Lionesses prepping for kick off (and listening to ABBA).

You cleared your throat slightly, feeling that familiar twinge in your chest that threatened to turn unpleasant.

"Good." The lie slipped past your lips, not backed up by the fact that your leg was bouncing so quickly against the floor that it could've created a hole.

Millie chuckled beside you before throwing an arm around your shoulder.

"We're gonna kill 'em, save that energy for the pitch kid."

You offered her a quick smile before she patted your back and moved off to have a conversation with Rachel. It was odd, you hadn't quite had this feeling so intense before, but you had figured that the further you got in the competition, the worse it might be. But Millie was right, conserve your energy and let it out when it mattered.

It wouldn't be long before you were due to line up and head out for kick off, and so despite the rules, you pulled out your phone to text Leah. She had managed to convince the physios at Arsenal that she would be fine to fly out for the end of the tournament, promising to cheer you all on from wherever she was sat. She had texted you with the general area, and you told her you'd look for her when you came out.

Putting your phone away, you rose to your feet and followed the team out.

The feeling was ever present in your chest, but it didn't die down. Shaking your head and balling your hands in fists by your sides, it was game time. Win first, worry later.

<><><>

The whistle was blown, and the game kicked off. It was a hard fought battle between both sides. Equal opportunity, but neither could make a real dent in the score line. At the 46th minute, your chest had begun to tighten and your head beginning to hurt, and not in a way you had felt before.

Something was wrong.

An anxiety attack perhaps? Migraine? You had no idea but there was no way in hell you were subbing off this early, not when you were making runs up the wing and crosses into the box that had France's defence all over the place.

One misplaced pass from a French midfielder allowed Lucy to intercept, who passed it promptly to Stanway, sending it you on the left wing where you were already setting up to make the run. Rachel Daly was at the striking position, and after hours of drills, it was about to pay off as an opportunity to score presented itself. By the time the long ball reached your feet, you were off and running it up the line, leaving a stumbling French right back tailing after you. As the end of the pitch appeared, you halted quickly, stopping the ball with you and throwing off the defender for a mere moment.

But that was all you needed.

A sly pass through the legs of said defender allowed you to chip the ball into the rapidly crowding box, but Rachel was there ready to header it in. England, France, the whole stadium held their breath as Daly made contact and sent the shot flying into the top corner. It was though everything was happening in slow motion to you.

Unfortunately, the incredible shot rattled off the woodwork, allowing a defender to clear the ball from the French box, sending both teams back down the pitch.

"France clear the dangerous attempt from England, making safe passes between their back line in order to gain some ground." The commentators were keeping a close eye on this tight-knit game. Their eyes followed every kick of the ball. "-makes a clear pass past Walsh and into the England half, but it appears that Y/L/N has yet to even catch up with her teammates!"

Leah was hyper-focused, prepped for a nasty French counter-attack. With her lower lip between her teeth, she was watching every kick of the ball, hands clenched in hope that the Lioness defence would come through. It was clear that it was neck and neck, and not a single second could be wasted. A French player was closing in on the England box, and Millie was ready to make the tackle, until she noticed a commotion on the pitch.

"France are set on returning the attacking gesture, making good ground- Oh!" The commentator cut himself off. "Is Y/L/N injured? She seems to be stumbling."

The blonde defender's eyes flickered away out the sound of a whistle, the French player halting her attack. Millie's head turned to the sound of the whistle, as did the rest of the players.

There was Rachel, kneeling down beside a body of white kit. Keira stood waving her arms to the side lines, a clear sign of calling for medical aid. The referee had also dropped to her knees, and Leah's heart sank as realisation settled in.

From her position, she was close enough to see that you were lying down on the ground. Still. Unmoving. She didn't see you get tackled, let alone go down. Her throat filled with anxiety, fear. What do I do? Leah couldn't exactly run onto the pitch, but that was her fucking fiancée down there for Christ sake.

"Leah..." Her brother managed out beside her, already knowing. Her brother had come to like you quite a lot, but you were basically part of the family. It was clear the worry was mutual.

The blonde woman heard ringing, her brother's attempts at consoling her falling on deaf ears. She watched as medics ran onto the pitch, and not just team medics, but paramedics. It was clear something was seriously wrong as the ref beckoned them over quickly after her initial examination.

Leah wasn't quite able to process what was going on. Tears pricked in her eyes, and that tight feeling in her own chest had turn into outright panic. Her breathing was staggered, but she was unable to move. She wasn't close enough to hear or see clearly, but she knew.

The English squad all shared a solemn and worrisome look on their faces. Lucy Bronze had her hands on the shoulders of Keira Walsh, seemingly attempting to calm her down. The two of you were close, and seeing you like this was hard. Especially since no-one quite knew what was going on. Lucy pulled Keira away, as the rest of the team quickly stood in a protective circle around yourself and the paramedics, shielding you away from prying eyes in such a vulnerable moment. The French players also joined to fill in the gaps, showing nothing but solidarity for a fellow player.

Your fiancée was only stirred from her panic as her brother grabbed her hand, leading her down from their seats and back inside the stadium. Leah had obviously gained a sort of VIP privilege to watch the match, meaning they had a private area inside before and during the game. As her eyes were torn away from you, her body kicked back into auto drive, ignoring her brother and immediately began searching for someone that could help her.

"Excuse me!" Leah had found what looked like a security guard further down the corridor, just outside the room. "My girlfriend's just been injured and I need to see her!"

The man didn't respond initially, as it seemed he was listening to something being said in his earpiece. "Madam I can't let anyone down there."

Meanwhile, outside the stadium had fallen silent. You were being rushed off the pitch and referee had called a slightly early half-time, sending both teams back to the changing rooms. The Lionesses wasted no time, Sarina was going to have to deliver a game plan at the same time as making sure the rest of the team were okay.

There was a lot of chatter in the changing room.

"Fuck, man!" Lucy stressfully placed her hands on her head. "What the fuck was it?" She asked out loud, hoping for an answer.

"Mate I dunno, she just collapsed." Rachel responded from her seat in her cubby.

Keira just sighed. "It's bad, it's really bad." Emotions threatened to spill over. "She just dropped and she was shaking."

"I heard the paramedics. She was unconscious." Georgia admitted shakily, and the atmosphere in the room changed. But before anyone could say more, Sarina walked in the room alongside some assistant coaching staff.

The girls all shuffled back into their seats, and then Sarina spoke;

"I've been told that Y/N suffered a seizure." The silence in the room was heavy. "We do not know why, but she's on the way to the hospital."

No one knew what to say. Not really.

"Is she going to be okay?" Jess asked what everyone was thinking. The obvious question.

Sarina's gaze dropped.

"I don't know at this time, but it seems that way." Sighs of relief were audible.

Millie then spoke; "Has anyone told Leah?" Heads turned to look at her. "She's here, there's no way she hasn't seen."

"I've sent someone up to grab her, they'll take her to Y/N." The England coach informed her team. "Look ladies, I know you are all gravely concerned about your teammate, and the support and care you showed at their proved it. But Y/N would want you all to go back out there and give it your best."

It was true, the girls all knew how much the game meant to you, and that you were the type of person to never quit. You expected the same thing from everyone else. In truth, it was a part of what made the team so special.

But their hearts also ached for Leah. Watching the person you love have something so horrible happen to them was hard.

So they would go back out there, and win it for you. You and Leah.

<><><>

The match was over. England won 2-1.

Leah couldn't quite bring herself to care, though. For a rare occasion, something in her life had taken precedence over the game.

She was sat alone in a waiting room, in some Australian hospital, waiting to hear anything from you. She had been there for two hours. Before Leah could rip off that security guard's head, an England staff member had grabbed her, telling her everything he knew before helping her get to the hospital. She thanked him profusely, and went inside, trying to find out what was going on with you.

The England captain was told to wait, and that was what she had been doing ever since. Her brother had come in and out, busy making phone calls to his and Leah's mum.

"Leah Y/L/N?" Her head snapped up at that. She had forgotten she had lied about her name, telling them you were married already in fear they wouldn't let her see you. Leah bolted up and headed to the nurse who had called her name, indicating for the woman to follow her.

She pulled out her phone and text her brother that she was going to see you before she was brought outside a door. The nurse opened it and ushered her in, stating she would give some privacy before the nurse came over.

For the first time ever, Leah's gaze on you was one filled with heartache.

Hooked up to wires, pale as anything. Sitting in a bed you had no purpose being in. You didn't look like you.

"Y/N..." The tears that the defender had desperately tried to hold back had breached her eyes once again, flowing freely. You were awake, and the sudden noise had you looking over at your lover.

"Leah." You sighed, seeming a lot more awake than she had been expecting. The girl rushed over and grabbed your hand, before you pulled her into a hug, immediately wrapping your arms around hers. "I'm okay, c'mon, I'm okay."

You attempted to soothe her hurt, ironically. But Leah pulled away, sobbing.

"But you're not! Oh my God, you aren't okay!" Leah hated the word hysterical, she thought it had sexist undertones, but she felt a little hysterical right now.

"Hey! I'm alive! I'm breathing! I'm talking to you right now, aren't I?" You quipped, smiling at her. You still looked pale, slow moving. But still, that was you. "It was a seizure. Stress, they said. They need to do more tests but, I'm all good."

Leah knew you were okay, the evidence was right in front of her. But it didn't make this any less scary.

She didn't even have to say anything, her lip just quivering. You pulled her back into you, mindful of the wires connected to your body. "I know, baby. I'm right here." You ran a soothing hand up and down her back.

"I should be comforting you right now." She mumbled into your neck, making you chuckle.

"Ha, I'm sound." That made her giggle.

"You collapsed." She deadpanned, pulling away slightly again.

"I know."

"You're going to be okay?" She asked, those beautiful eyes finding yours again. "You're going to be okay."

"I know." You repeated, and your fiancée kissed your cheek.

She spent the next minutes asking you how you felt, and you explained how you felt just before you went down and how you remembered nothing whilst you were unconscious.

"I didn't even know I had a fit till I got in the ambulance. I just felt so...tired. Exhausted." Recounting your trip to the hospital, Leah was constantly stroking your hair, looking you in the eyes to make sure you were really there. "But I'm good. I'll be good."

Leah didn't say anything, she just leaned in and kissed you softly on the lips. The two of you shared a sweet embrace until a short beep on your monitor made you both pull away. Leah turned her head and saw your heart rate monitor, and that your BPM had spiked slightly.

Your face went red with realisation, and Leah just bit her lower lip bashfully.

"Do I make you nervous or something?" She teased, and you just sighed at her antics.

"Shut up!" You flopped back into the bed, letting yourself lean against the mattress.

There was a beat of silence.

"I didn't make anything stressful for you, right? I know the last few months have been hard-" You cut Leah's rambling off quickly before she could spiral, knowing what she was like.

"Nope! None of that please. Leah, I've always been shit with dealing with stress. It's my own fault for bottling it up. I'm gonna start seeing someone when we get back, manage my emotions better. Promise." You reassured her, and you meant what you said. You knew Leah had some of the toughest months of her life the past year. Coming off the highs of captaining the team to the Euros win, to being injured and missing out on the biggest tournament in the world was so hard. But you didn't regret helping her through a single minute of that, and no matter how tough it was really, you would never let her take the blame because there was simply none to place on her shoulders.

The two of you were interrupted by a doctor entering the room, apologising for the intrusion.

"Ah, I see your wife found you then, Mrs Y/L/N?" He smiled, walking over to your other side and checking a few machines.

You turned your head sheepishly to Leah.

"Wife, huh?"

She just hummed in response.

"A couple of months, give or take."

[youwerethedefeated]

Ok brief run down of kagehina sightings in the light novels for @infinitemilk

Right off the bat in volume 1 chapter 1, we have Hinata daydreaming about having a picnic with kageyama underneath a beautiful sakura tree in full bloom. Yep with the pink flowers falling around romantically, they're sharing food and laughing together etc.

The "he chose the Olympics over me" also comes from there, though I'd say that's the least gay thing to happen in that chapter. (It's volume 12, chapter 1 if I'm not mistaken.) Prior to that, Hinata also complains that "Kageyama never tells me anything" and that if they're partners, shouldn't be included in that kind of decision making? (Yeah just like that)

This is the same chapter where yachi goes on on her (paraphrasing) "they're not friends not lovers but a secret, worse third thing" rant: "more like a fork and knife, or the minute hand and the hour hand of a clock. Even when there's no conversation between them, they still continue to move with the same purpose"

This same chapter, hinata continues bitching about kageyama joining a pro team/the JNT and ditching him the whole time lmao

There are a few chapters during the summer training camp that show Hinata pestering everyone to compete with him because Kageyama wasn't talking to him - at some point lev asks "why don't you compete with your partner" and hinata is like "Oh we're taking a break" (yeah just like THAT)

When they do start training together again they're both so happy about it.....

There's a chapter (that I never found translated in full) that's that one scene where Hinata messages kageyama on new years day, and kageyama gets "fluttering feelings at the bottom of his stomach." My dude be out here getting literal butterflies in his belly JUST FROM A TEXT and then he proceeds to get mad at hinata for making him feel this way 😭

Later on when they meet anyway, Hinata says he wanted to go to the shrine with kageyama and that even if they go now, it won't be the same bc then it's not "his first time" anymore.....

And the star of the show. The Grand King in Rio.

This one takes the crown for not only being the gayest, but also perhaps the most plot relevant. It's just about that time Hinata and Oikawa met in Rio.

Inevitably, they talk a bit about Kageyama, and oikawa starts downright TEASING hinata over him like... asking if they'll meet for the Olympics and stuff.

And then hinata starts spiraling because a) he's not at a point where he can meet kageyama as an equal, b) he can't remember Kageyama's face, c) he tries so hard to remember "that terrifying face" that he gives himself a tummy ache ksjhdkaldm

In the end hinata arrives at the conclusion that he and Kageyama don't need to meet now, since he isn't ready, and he recalls the promise he made to Kageyama, and how it's such a coincidence that he met Oikawa all the across the globe, and it was also a coincidence that he met Kageyama in the first place, but if life is made of coincidences then it's inevitable that they'll meet again someday... the rest is super poetic, really

ANYWAY this is it from the top of my head. I think @kagehiner might have more anecdotes since he was the one who got me into the LNs in the first place lol

[banananami]

Ok idk if your still doing the prompt thing but if u are can we see the jjk boys and 194?

hi! i actually reblogged that ages ago prior to restarting my account from scratch! However, I thought i’d give two quick little texts from Gojo and Nanami :)

GOJO

NANAMI

Here’s a random Gojo text I also forgot to post LOL

[writingonleaves]

got lovestruck, went straight to my head (got lovesick all over my bed) - nico hischier

universe: nico hischier x clementine sandoval (the blue au)

warnings: swearing, mentions of stuff you'd typically see in the hospital (death, etc), author has never been to switzerland (but wants to!!), fluff! angst if you squint

title: "slut!" by taylor swift

word count: 23k (originally 27k but had to be cut down bc tumblr apparently has a limit of blocks per post??? lol)

author's note: long anticipated (official) part two to this little ditty. takes place pretty much right where the first part left off and goes until january 2025. i love clem. i love clem and nico. i love this whole world, and it loves all of you right back. thanks for all the love, truly. it means so much. here are some more slice of life moments that will probably rot your teeth because they're so sweet! enjoy and please let me know your thoughts!!

~*~*~

Devils fans love Nico Hischier, Clementine realizes, as she waits in a cafe across the back entrance of The Rock, looking outside as Nico takes the time to sign things and take pictures with the fans.

To some extent, after being in Jersey for a full season now, she knows how adored he is — the multitude of 13 jerseys during every game and how she has never heard a single bad thing said about him, whether that be as a person, captain or player. But right now, she’s smiling as he thanks the fans for their support when she knows he was devastated less than 48 hours prior. 

This team, their fans and this community love their captain. They’d go to the ends of the world for him, she’s convinced. 

She feels her phone buzz in her pocket. She pulls it out with a smile. 

Nico Hischier 

Meet me at my car in 5 mins? ❤️

She smiles, just liking the text before slinging her bag over her shoulders, grabbing her half finished coffee and going back to the counter to order a cappuccino for Nico. She thanks the barista when he’s done, grabs the cappuccino and goes back down to the parking garage. 

Nico’s leaning against his car on his phone, but puts it away when he sees her walking to him. She shuffles over quickly and gives him a quick kiss. She doesn’t think she’ll get used to that. 

“Hi.” 

“Hey.” The fondness tinged at the short greeting isn’t new, Clementine knows now, but it makes her smile all the same. “Thanks for the coffee. Sorry I took so long,” he says, taking his coffee and opening the passenger door. 

“You’re good,” she slides in and waits for him to get to the driver’s seat. “You doing alright?”

He starts the engine and looks over at her with a soft smile. “Yeah.”

“You sure?”

He reaches over to give her thigh a comforting squeeze after backing out. ‘I’m sure. I promise. Play some music.”

“Do you even like my music?”

“I listen to anything. You know that.”

She chuckles, plugging in her phone. “They love you.”

“Hm?”

“The fans. I was watching outside the windows of the cafe.”

He shrugs. “They’re always great. Have been good to me since I came into the league and have stuck by us.”

She looks at him thoughtfully. “They also have nothing but respect for their captain, who led them through the season extraordinarily well despite all the downs.” She leans her head on his arm for a few seconds. “I know it’s hard, but try not to blame yourself too much. You can’t and shouldn’t carry all that weight. The boys know that. The fans know that.”

He nods and looks over at her with a smile. “Gotten good at that throughout the years, hey? Comforting people after big losses.”

“Tell me about it.” She thinks back to when Quinn and Jack lost the gold medal match in 2019 at World Juniors and both times Luke’s dream of winning a national championship with Michigan fell short. And those are just the ones she can think of off the top of her head. “I’m serious though. It’ll come for you guys. I know it will.”

“Thanks, Schätzli.” Oh. That’s also a new development. The first time it slipped out, Nico had almost taken it back with wide, panicked eyes. But Clementine had promptly pulled him down to kiss her. 

The team all chipped in to rent out a rooftop bar in Tribeca tonight to celebrate their season, the multitude of birthdays that occurred during the last part of the season that they couldn’t really celebrate at the time, and to just hang out before people start dispersing for the off-season. Therefore, Clementine purposefully volunteered for the overnight shift the day before and took a four hour nap before she tagged along to locker cleanout. She hid out in the cafe while they all had to do their end-of-season duties.

But they have a few hours to kill before heading into Manhattan, so the new couple spend the afternoon at Liberty State Park, enjoying the rare instance since the night of their first kiss where they’ve both been free. Clementine’s packed a small cooler with some tiny sandwiches, fruit and small bottles of wine. Nico lays out a blanket and Clementine toes off her sandals. It’s beautiful outside, and after she’s done munching on the food, she finds herself laying her head in Nico’s lap as he plays with her hair, talking about everything and nothing. Occasionally he just leans down to place a kiss on her forehead or cheek and she feels her throat closing up everytime at the sweetness of the gesture. 

They have limited time before Nico heads back home to Switzerland. She’ll take all the moments she can get.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Uh oh,” she jokes. “Should I be nervous?”

“No, no, no. It’s just..maybe a bit of a weird question.”

“Nico. I deal with kids on a daily basis. And other residents who have no sense of boundaries. And Jack and Luke where all social cues are nonexistent. Almost nothing fazes me at this point.”

“Well, of course I’ve seen you around Jack and Luke so I know what your relationship is like with them. But how are you with Quinn?”

“Huh. Why do you ask?”

Nico twirls a piece of her hair around his finger. “They’ve mentioned a couple of times how I remind them of Quinn sometimes, which you know, I think is a compliment. I respect Quinn a lot as a player and he did a great job captaining that team this year. But, I don’t know. I’m just curious.” 

Clementine smiles easily. “Luke’s my baby and Jack’s like the most annoying little brother you could ask for, but yeah. Quinn is..he’s also like a little brother, but he’s also my best friend. I think Quinn and I are the most similar in terms of how we think. So I guess that leads to a sense of…understanding? Like, on a different level than with Luke and Jack. And if you think I’m protective of Jack and Luke, I’m probably even worse with Quinn. He’s just always so busy looking after the other two that he sometimes forgets he needs to look out for himself too.”

“Then who looks after you?”

“Hm?”

“If you’re busy looking after those three, who looks after you?”

She sits up as he lets her hair fall from his fingers. She plops a strawberry in his mouth. “I don’t need anyone to look after me.”

“Those three don’t need anyone to look after them.” He points out. 

“Lies. You think Luke and Jack are annoying now? They were ten times worse before. And you think Luca and Nina don’t still feel a responsibility to look after their little brother? I haven’t even met them and I think I know the answer.” She shrugs, hooking her chin on his shoulder. “I don’t mind, really. They also, in a way, look after me as well, especially as we’ve gotten older. But I don’t think I answered your question. I guess you’ll have to see Quinny and I together and see for yourself.”

He hums, kissing her forehead twice. “You gotta take some time to look after yourself too. You’re no use to them if you don’t.”

“I know. I think I’ve managed the balance well. And you’re partially right. I don’t need to look after them as much anymore, especially since now Quinny has a girlfriend who I still haven’t met and you look after Jack and Luke plenty.”

Nico snorts. “I’m sure you’ll get to meet Quinn’s girlfriend this summer.”

“If the fucker answered my calls, that would be a start,” she says. “Are you all packed to go yet?”

“Not at all.”

He literally leaves in two days. “God, you all really are the same breed. I bet I could pack all your shit in an hour. Maybe even less.”

He smirks. “Is that a challenge?”

“No. Pack your own stuff. You’re a grown man.”

He laughs, and they switch positions. Now his head is in her lap and she’s running her hand through his hair. She’s still learning things about Nico, but she’s pretty sure that he likes her playing with his hair more than she likes him playing with hers. He clears his throat. “And, um, I don’t need to pack yet. I’m staying in Jersey a bit longer.”

“Yeah? How much longer?”

“Like, June 7? So what is that..three weeks?”

She blinks. “Nico, I don’t-”

“This has nothing to do with you,” he says, before grimacing. “That’s not what I mean. It actually has a lot to do with you. But it was my choice. I’m in no rush to get back, in terms of training and all that. Plus, a bunch of the guys are staying for a bit too. And I want to spend time with you, because I do have…what did you say? ‘Impeccably shit timing.’”

“I just want to make it clear that you don’t have to stay just for me,” she assures softly. “I know you miss home and I understand the importance of an off season.”

He looks up at her earnestly, “Spending time with you is also important to me.”

Her heart soars as she traces his lips with her thumb. He catches her hand and kisses her knuckles. “Well, I’m not gonna complain about that.”

The rooftop bar that night is a fun time, even if she feels very much out of her tax bracket. She chats with pretty much everyone, much more comfortable than she was at the start of the season. People egg her on to share childhood stories of Jack and Luke, which she has plenty of. And even if they both groan and act embarrassed, she knows they love it. The drinks are plentiful and she likes seeing everyone let loose the way they can’t during the season. She’s sure the team is still disappointed from their season to some extent, so it’s nice to see them all smile and laugh and generally have a good time. 

At some point in the night, she’s sitting by herself for some space, admiring the skyline with a ginger ale in her hands, taking a break from the alcohol she’s consumed tonight. 

“Social butterfly finally tired out?”

She looks up to see Jack, cheeks flushed and hair adorably tousled, staring down at her. She scooches over to offer him a seat. “A bit. It just hit me that I’m running on four hours of sleep.”

He snorts, sitting down. “Yeah, that’ll do it.” He tucks himself into her side like he used to do as a kid, taking her arm and using it as a pillow. “We still on for dinner tomorrow? Just me, you and Lukey?”

“Of course. I gotta get my fix in before you all leave me to hang with all your friends.”

Jack shoves her lightly. “We’re literally staying in Jersey until the end of the month. Or the Northeast, at least.”

“Okay, and Trevor literally flies in in two days. And then you and Luke’s friends are gonna rotate in and out. I’ll be lucky if I get a second of quiet at the apartment.”

Jack laughs, but then a worried look crosses his face. “I told them that under no circumstance can they enter your room without your permission. I don’t want them being here to fuck up your schedule.”

She waves him off. “It’s fine, Jack. I promise. Besides, I’ll just hide out at Nico’s if I need. Did he tell you that he’s staying a bit longer?”

His smirks. “He did. Mom invited him to spend the long weekend with us up in New Hampshire.”

“He didn’t mention that.”

“Probably because I literally just told him an hour ago when Mom texted me. You know this means he’s gonna be meeting Maeve, right?”

She blinks. “Shit, yeah. A bit soon, no?”

To her surprise, instead of agreeing or making fun of her, Jack just shrugs. “I don’t think so. You and Nico are the real deal.”

Her mouth drops open a bit in shock. “Oh.” 

Jack just shoots her an award-winning grin. “And Maeve is gonna love him.”

That, Clementine thinks, is most definitely true,

As they drive home, she’s in the passenger seat with Luke and Jack in the back, quietly dozing off. Nico’s hand is on her thigh as she’s queuing songs up on her phone. Even after living in the city for almost a year now, she still finds herself in awe at the NYC skyline, especially on the rare chance she gets to see it from the angle of leaving the city in a car this late. Her attention is brought elsewhere when she feels a squeeze on her thigh. She looks at Nico and smiles. 

(It’s hard to not smile when she looks at Nico)

“You have fun?” He asks softly, careful not to disturb the brothers in the back. 

“Lots,” she responds. “Thanks for having me.”

“Of course,” he says. “I think there would have been an uproar if you hadn’t come. Everyone loves having you around.”

“Jack told me you’re invited to Memorial Day weekend celebrations in New Hampshire.”

“Yeah. It was sweet of Ellen to invite me. It’ll be fun to experience a classic summer weekend out here.” He suddenly looks at her, worried. “That’s okay, right? I don’t wanna intrude.”

“What? Of course it’s fine. It’s gonna be a chill weekend with good food and a lot of sun. You know you’re gonna be meeting my mom, right?”

“Is that a problem? Moms usually like me. Ellen likes me, I think.”

Clementine rolls her eyes. “No, I just, as long as you know.”

Nico looks over at her. “Your mom’s clearly important to you and raised a beautiful woman. I’m excited to meet her.” She swallows roughly. Nico changes topics easily. “Have you figured out your plans for the summer? How much vacation time do you have?”

“Not much. Maybe, like, two weeks at most. I’m still trying to figure it out. The boys invited me to Michigan, which would be fun. I haven’t been back there for a bit. Some of my friends from med school are going to meet back up in California at some point.”

“Two very different options.”

“Yeah. I probably need to figure it out soon though so I can request the leave.”

“Have you thought about Switzerland?”

She’s looking out her window, so she doesn’t see the hesitant but honest look on his face. “Showing me your hometown already, Cap?” She jokes

“If you want.” She whips her head to look at him. Oh. He’s serious. He backtracks. “I-I get if you think it’s too soon, but you’ve mentioned that you wanna go back. And I could show you around. Or we could go to other places in Europe too. I-I feel bad that I’m about to leave when we haven’t gotten quality time together which I know is partially my fault-”

She pushes her chin into his arm, looking up at him as he briefly looks down at her before focusing back on the road. “You’d be okay with that? Me coming to your hometown?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“We just started dating officially..what, like a month ago? Not even?” She looks to the backseat to ensure that Jack and Luke are still asleep, or are at least faking it to give them some sort of privacy. They are. She turns back around. “I don’t…I just don’t want you to feel like you- I-you’re really important to me,” she admits with a swallow. “I don’t wanna mess it up by moving too fast.”

“You’re not messing anything up,” Nico takes her hand and kisses the back of it. “I’m not gonna push you. It’s ultimately your decision. But I would absolutely love to show you around where I grew up and spend more time together.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Of course,” he assures. “Take all the time you need.”

She leans to kiss his cheek. 

…..

“Switzerland?” Luke practically screeches. “To introduce you to his family?”

Clementine rolls her eyes, sliding him a glass of orange juice across the counter. Trevor giggles into his coffee and without looking, she smacks the back of his head. 

“Switzerland because it’s beautiful and to spend time with my boyfriend,” Clementine says pointedly. 

“Go frolic in Europe with your new boyfriend,” Trevor grins. “You deserve it. Jacky tells me you’re barely home.”

“I’m trying to become a doctor, Trev. I signed up for not having a life.”

“Exactly, which is an even better reason to go visit your hot boyfriend in Europe.” Jack and Luke give their old friend a weird look. Trevor just shrugs. “What? Your captain’s a good looking guy, and you’re delusional if you think differently.”

“I don’t care if Nico is the hottest person in the world. He’s kissing my sister. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that.” Luke says with a wrinkled nose. 

Jack chuckles, ruffling his little brother’s hair. “Well, get used to it, Moose. And it’s kinda our fault. I mean, we’re the ones who wanted this all season. It’s fucking hilarious that they decided to start a relationship when they did though.” He comes up behind Clementine and pokes her side, rinsing his plate before putting it in the dishwasher. “Z’s right. You should go. Even if that means you wouldn’t be able to come to Michigan.”

“Aw, Clemmy’s missing the Michigan trip again?” Trevor whines. “Nevermind. Fuck your boyfriend.”

“I haven’t been to Michigan in three years so I don’t know what you’re whining about,” Clementine snorts. “And you can’t get rid of me that quickly. Especially because I, you know, live here and y’all are going to be around for who knows how long.” She taps Trevor’s phone on the counter to check the time. “Alright, I gotta head to the hospital. See you guys later.”

“Bye!”

“Love you.”

“See you tonight? What time will you be back?”

“11? Midnight the latest,” she grabs her pasta salad lunch from the fridge into her tote bag. “Have fun. Call if you need me. The usual.”

“Be safe,” Jack calls out. She clicks the door shut. 

Her phone buzzes in her hand. She laughs out loud. 

Quinny Hughes

Heard you’re going to Switzerland? 

She rolls her eyes. It’s nice to know the brothers’ group chat is still as active and rapid as ever.

Clementine Sandoval 

all three of you are actually the worst

and i’m older than all of you don’t be trying to parent me

Quinny Hughes

So you are going. 

At least get us some good chocolate then.

Clementine Sandoval

lol i miss you

did you ever figure out if you’re coming to nh for memorial day?

it’s literally in two days i hope you have an answer

Quinny Hughes

Yeah I am. Especially now that you aren’t coming to Michigan this summer. Jack and Luke get to see you all the time it’s my turn.

And I’ll get to interrogate your new boyfriend.

Clementine Sandoval

sigh 

are you at least bringing lauren

Quinny Hughes

Yup.

Clementine Sandoval 

fantastic

finally another fucking girl

Quinny Hughes

Lol. See you soon❤️

Clementine smiles before starting her car. 

…..

Two days later, Jack, Luke, Trevor, Nico and Clementine pile into Jack’s car to head up to the Hughes family’s lakehouse to spend the long weekend. She lets Luke have the passenger seat because it’s a five hour drive and he has the longest legs. Additionally, she finds great amusement in seeing Nico and Trevor interact and getting to sit in the middle of them and put her head on Nico’s shoulder and her legs over Trevor’s lap. Though, with Trevor’s constant yapping, Nico’s surprisingly unhinged stories, Jack’s loud laughter and Luke’s tendency to make a comment on everything, the drive goes by so damn slow that by the time they roll into the driveway, Clementine is practically shoving Trevor to get out of the car.

At the front door, Ellen’s laughing and Clementine rushes over to her second mother to give her a big hug. 

Ellen rocks her back and forth. “It’s so good to see you, my girl.”

“You literally saw her three weeks ago?” Jack says, coming up behind them.

“Hide your jealousy better, Jacky,” Clementine teases. “It’s always good to see you, Ellen.” Jim comes up behind his wife and she beams. “Hi Jimmy!”

He laughs, wrapping her in a fatherly hug. “Hi Sunshine. El made sangria for everyone, and it’s still cold.”

Clementine lights up. “Oh amazing. I’ll grab a glass after I get my stuff.” She turns around to see Nico coming up the stairs with both his and her bags in his hands. 

A knowing smile appears on Jim’s face. “Think that’s already covered.” She rushes to help him out but Nico just swats her away. Jim nods at Nico. “Good to see you again, Nico.”

“Good to see you too, Mr. Hughes,” he puts his bags down to shake Jim’s hand and hug Ellen, as Jack, Luke and Trevor clamber into the house. “Thank you both so much for having me.”

“Anytime, Nico!” Ellen beams. “And please, call us by our first names. You’re family, especially after recent developments.” 

Clementine rolls her eyes as Nico immediately becomes flustered. “Really? Mom’s not even here yet.”

“Oh can you blame me, Clementine? Now I don’t have to hear Jack and Luke whine about when their sister and captain are going to get together.” Ellen says. “But I’ll be cool for now. Why don’t you show Nico up to your room and drop all your stuff off? Your mom picked up Quinn and Lauren from Logan and should be here any minute. Boys!” She calls out and Jack, Luke and Trevor magically appear and Clementine rolls her eyes. “Take your stuff up to your rooms so no one trips over your things. Trevor and Jack, you’re sharing.”

Trevor turns to Jack with a kissy face and Jack grimaces. “You and me, Jacky boy! Just like old times.”

“Get the fuck away from me,” Jack says dryly as Luke chuckles. Jack glares at his younger brother. “How come you get a solo room?”

“Because Quinn and Lauren are getting the other room.”

“And where is Maeve staying?”

“Probably in the basement so she doesn’t have to deal with all you guys.” Clementine retorts. 

Jack turns to his parents. “You’re letting Clee and Nico share a room? And Quinn and Lauren?”

“We’re adults, you know?” Clementine sighs, pinching her nose. “You guys are exhausting. Move out of my way so we can get through.” She hears Nico stifle a laugh as they reluctantly clear a pathway. “Somehow they’re even more annoying during off-season than during the season,” she says as they climb up the stairs.

“It’s fine,” Nico chuckles. “It’s nice. The chaos, I mean. Tells a lot about who you are.”

“Don’t associate me with those fools,” Clementine says with no heat as she pushes open the door to the room in this house that’s always been designated as hers. “Here we are.”

Nico puts the bags down and immediately scans some of the photos framed on the wall. He ‘aww’s and she turns around to find him staring at the one of her and the boys during her UCLA graduation. “You guys are such babies here.”

“A week before Jack got drafted,” Clementine recalls fondly. “The boys surprised me. I didn’t think they were gonna come because they had so much hockey stuff going on.”

“You went to all their drafts, right?” Nico says. Clementine nods. “So of course they were there during one of your biggest moments.” Nico points to another photo of both families when they were all at this exact lake house. Her dad’s in this one. “When was this taken?”

“2013.” Clementine smiles sadly. “It was the last summer my dad came here. I know it’s one of Ellen’s favorites. Mine too.”

Nico hums, kissing her temple gently before scanning the rest of the room. It’s mostly white with some rustic elements, splashes of tan and ocean blue in the comforter and the sparse decorations.  “Would I be right in assuming that this room hasn’t changed much since you were young?”

“It’s definitely cleaner,” Clementine laughs. “I know Jim and El use it as a guest room, but whenever I get the chance to come back, they say it’s mine.” There’s the sound of the front door opening and a cacophony of greetings floating through the room. She turns her body towards him and looks up at him. “Are you sure about this?”

“Well, even if I wasn’t, it’s a bit too late now, isn’t it?” He says. She pokes him in the side. He leans down to gently peck her lips twice. “Why are you so nervous? Shouldn’t I be the one who’s nervous?” 

She chuckles. “Yeah, yeah. You’re right. Let’s go down.”

They walk down the stairs, Nico close behind her but not quite touching her. Clementine beams as she watches her mom hug Luke and put her hands on his cheeks before greeting Jack in the same way. She knows her mom doesn’t ever miss seeing the Devils or the Canucks when they’re playing the Bruins in Boston, but that only totals to usually only three games a season. 

Clementine thinks a lot about how she sees Jim and Ellen as her parents. It’s during these moments does she remember that the boys see her mom the exact same way. 

Maeve’s eyes flit up to the stairs and she raises an eyebrow. “My beautiful daughter. You look exhausted.”

Clementine snorts. “Thanks, Mom.” She descends down the last step and hugs her mother tightly, breathing in the scent that has comforted her on the best and worst days. She catches Quinn’s eye over Maeve’s shoulder as Trevor is chatting in his ear and she can’t help but grin. 

Maeve pulls away and eyes Nico, a half smile on her face. “And you must be the infamous Nico.”

Nico chuckles, eyes widening momentarily as Maeve pulls him into a hearty hug. “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Sandoval.”

Maeve lets out an affronted noise. “None of that. Call me Maeve. You European boys and your politeness.” Clementine laughs under her breath. “It’s so nice to meet you! My daughter hasn’t mentioned how handsome you are.”

“Probably because she’s the one carrying in the looks department of the relationship.” Nico grins charmingly and Clementine feels so fucking fond.

She then begins to leave her boyfriend and her mom to converse and turns to Quinn. Time with Quinn is always scarce. She leans up to wrap her arms around his neck. “Hey Q.”

“Hey Clem.” 

Clementine turns to the beautiful girl next to him. “And you must be Lauren. It’s nice to finally meet you.” She also pulls the girl into a hug. “Quinn’s been keeping you away from me.”

Quinn shoots his older sister a dirty look. “That’s not true. It’s not my fault you don’t live in California any more.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Lauren says softly. “Quinn’s told me so much about you. I love your pants.”

Clementine looks down at her cream flowy pants with a wide smile. “Oh thank you! You’re gorgeous. How in the world did Quinn land you?”

Lauren laughs as Quinn groans. “Clem.”

“I’m kidding!” She ruffles his hair. “Damn, let me have my fun. I don’t get to do this often. And don’t pretend that you’re not about to grill Nico this entire weekend.”

“She’s got you there,” Lauren says with a laugh.

Trevor comes up inbetween the girls. “Have you met this one yet?” Clementine asks.

Lauren nods. “I have. Kinda. Hi Trevor. Quinn’s also told me a lot about you.”

Trevor’s eyes widen as he pulls Lauren into a side hug. “Never listen to anything Quinn says about me. He’s mean to me.”

“You guys are all mean to each other,” Clementine rolls her eyes. “I don’t know what point you’re trying to make.” 

Maeve claps her hands. “Out of the doorway and into the backyard, everyone! El made sangria and it’s too nice to be inside.” She picks up her bags but is swatted away by Luke, who takes the bags from her hands. Maeve kisses him on the cheek. “Thanks, honey.”

Jack rolls his eyes as they all start walking towards the kitchen. “We get it, Maeve. Luke is your favorite.” Ellen gives him a warning look as Quinn snorts. 

“You know,” Maeve starts. “I was about to tell you how glad I am to see you. But with that comment, I’ll abstain.” Jack pouts and Maeve rolls her eyes but messes up his hair fondly. 

Nico places his hand on Clementine’s back and leans down to mutter in her ear. “I see where you get your sass from.”

Clementine chuckles under her breath. “You gotta have some sass to deal with them. My mom’s the blueprint.”

Everyone grabs a glass of sangria before they migrate outside. Clementine finds herself sitting in between Lauren and Luke, Nico sitting by her legs with everyone else in various chairs or on the grass in some sort of circle. Clementine automatically carding her fingers though Nico’s hair as she speaks to Lauren and Quinn. She still can’t believe they’ve been dating for over a year and she’s only met Lauren now. 

If she was still in California, she would’ve flown her ass to Vancouver and parked herself at Quinn’s apartment at the first chance she had. 

While she’s listening in on a conversation between Nico, Quinn and Trevor, she catches both her mom and Ellen’s eyes on her. She narrows her eyes. She sees her mom not-so-subtly eyeing her hand in Nico’s hair and him leaning back against her legs. 

Jack notices, looking between the two of them with a smirk. “Thoughts, Maeve?”

“Jack,” Clementine says in a warning tone. Nico squeezes her ankle in reassurance. 

“I didn’t even say anything!” 

Maeve chuckles, and Clementine sees her smile, the same smile that everyone says she also has. “Nothing in particular. Just thinking about how fun your time in Jersey has probably been so far.”

Clementine bites her lip, closed lipped-smile threatening to burst through the seams. “It could be worse.” 

As expected, Jack rolls his eyes and Luke gives her a dirty look. “Well, what could make it better?” Luke asks. 

“If you guys cooked more for me.”

Quinn looks at his brothers with a disapproving look. “You’re making Clem cook for all of you? Guys, come on. She’s busier than all of us combined.”

Jack’s jaw drops wide open as Trevor cackles. “That’s not even true! We cook for you. Just not as much because you’re just a better cook. And you always have leftovers.” Jack reaches over to whack Clementine’s shoulder. “Stop making us look like bad roommates.”

Clementine chuckles to herself. She has a lot of favorite things in life, but making fun of her brothers and throwing them under the bus has to be at the top. 

Nico looks up at her and she has to stop herself from leaning down and kissing him silly. “That cake you baked me for my birthday is still the best dessert I’ve had in awhile.”

She rolls her eyes. “You’re just being nice. And, I baked another one for Jack and Luke, which circles back to my point.”

Ellen starts lightly scolding her two youngest for not cooking more and Clementine snickers as she feels Nico’s shoulders shake as he’s trying to hold back his laugh. She drops his hands from his hair and instead leans forward, wrapping her arms loosely around his neck. He automatically grabs her wrists and keeps his hands there. She places a quick kiss to the side of his head. 

(Without their knowledge, Maeve catches the romantic motion. She doesn’t even bother to hide her smile.)

It’s not the first time she’s seen Nico around the people she loves, but that whole weekend, she watches him and her mom get along so well, him offer to help out Ellen and Jim for meals, him shove Trevor into the lake when he’s being an absolute pest, him sitting down with Quinn by the fire one night a bit away from everyone to talk about something that neither Quinn or Nico will tell her about so she knows it’s about her. 

He slips so easily into the most important part of her life. Clementine doesn’t quite love him yet, but she’s real close. 

Their last night, as they’re getting ready to sleep, Clementine's just staring at Nico from her bed as he’s in the bathroom brushing his teeth. He catches her eye in the mirror and smiles, but toothpaste dribbles down his chins causing him to curse and her to laugh. 

When he climbs under the covers, she places her head on his chest. “Thanks.” 

“For?” 

“Coming here. I’m sure it’s a lot.” 

“It’s not,” he assures gently. “Why would it be?” 

She shrugs, because he’s right, in a sense. “Families are always a lot, no matter how good they are. And I know Quinn and Jimmy grilled you way more than necessary.” 

“Baby,” he rubs up and down her arm. “I knew that was gonna happen as soon as I was invited here. They were more than fine. Jack and Luke’s threats were way worse.”

“They’re annoying.” 

“They love you,” he says. “And they’re protective of you. I get it. I’m the same way with Nina.” 

She shifts so she’s eye level with him. “About that…” 

“Hm?” 

“I got the okay from my supervisors to take two weeks off.” 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Can I still come to see you in Switzerland?” She asks, biting her lip, nervous all of a sudden. 

Nico kisses her soundly. “Of course,” he mutters against her lips. “Yes. When?”

“I was thinking early July?” 

“To spend your birthday?” 

“If you’ll have me.” 

He squeezes her exaggeratingly, making her giggle. “You’re silly. Of course. Is there anywhere you really wanna go?” 

“I mean, I’ll go anywhere.”

“I can take you all around Switzerland. Give you the grand tour.”

“That sounds perfect,” she swallows before bringing up something that’s very important to her. “I’m paying half.” 

Nico counters back immediately. “One third.” 

She scoffs. She was prepared for this disagreement. “Half.” 

“Hey,” he kisses the top of her head. “You’re coming to see me. The least I can do is handle all of that.” 

“You’re housing me and taking me around. I’m paying for half.” 

“Nope.”

“Nico. I am perfectly capable of paying for myself.” 

“You pay for your own plane tickets and I got the rest.” 

“I pay for my own plane tickets and meals and then you got the rest.” 

“Schätzli. Let me take care of it, yeah? I want to. And I’m perfectly capable of doing so.” 

“I don’t want you to think I’m a gold digger,” Clementine says with a bit of a whine, making Nico snort. 

“I know you’re not a gold digger. If you were, you’d actually let Jack pay for you more. You know he makes more than I do, right?”

“Weird flex.”

“You pay for your plane tickets and some meals,” he compromises. “Save the rest up for something else. Buy Luke a new suit for his birthday or something.” 

She chuckles. “He does need one.” 

“Exactly.” 

Clementine lets out relenting a sigh. She’ll just have to sneak her card in here or there. “Okay.” 

“Okay?” 

“Yeah. I just really don’t want you to think I’m mooching off you or anything.” 

“I’ve never thought of it like that at all, I promise,” he assures. She settles back against his chest again. “I’m so excited for you to come.” 

“I hope your family doesn’t hate me.” 

“They won’t.” And he says it so confidently that she has to believe him. “No one could hate you. Besides, Nina’s been dying to meet you and Luca wants to know the ‘girl who’s voluntarily dealing with my shit.’”

She laughs, turning to shut off the lamp. “Still. You’re their baby brother.” 

He pouts. “I’m not a baby.” 

She rolls her eyes. “I’m convinced.” She yawns, tossing a blanket over them both. “We should sleep. Gotta have energy to deal with the hooligans in the car tomorrow.” 

He laughs, kissing her forehead. “Goodnight.” 

*****

Clementine offers to drive Nico to the airport before she goes to the hospital, even though he tries to vehemently fight her on it. Clementine ultimately wins the argument, wanting to spend as much time as possible before he leaves. 

“It’s only a month,” she reminds him as she kills the engine at the curbside of the departure terminal at Newark Liberty International Airport, biting her lip to also assure herself. 

He leans over the console to kiss her sweetly. “I know,” he murmurs against her lips. “That’s a long time though.”

She runs a hand through his hair. He leans into it instinctively. “I’ll be there with you before you know it. You’ll be having too much fun catching up with family and friends to even think about me.”

“Not true.” She rolls her eyes with a smile as they both climb out of the car. Nico finishes unloading his luggage from the trunk as he carries it to the curb. Clementine’s amazed that no one has yelled at them for parking by the curbside too long yet.

She wraps her arms around his neck and hugs him tightly, leaning her head on his chest and breathing in deeply, trying to memorize his scent. “I’ll miss you.”

“I miss you already,” he mutters into her hair. “I’ll call.”

“You fucking better,” she shoots back with no bite. “Have fun, okay? Enjoy your time off.”

He kisses her one more time, which turns into three more times. Clementine bites her lower lip as he backs away to try not to cry. He brushes his thumb against her cheek. “I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

She nods with a shaky smile. “Yeah. Text me before you take off.”

“Of course.” He clasps his hand on his suitcase handles and backs away with a sweet smile. “Bye, baby.”

After he walks through the doors, she promptly drives herself to the train station, music playing louder than normal to hopefully drown out her own loud thoughts. She parks to see a text from Nico saying that he’s at the gate, a horribly-angled selfie of him and a coffee he must’ve bought. 

Clementine saves it.

…..

It’s only been eleven days since Nico flew back to Switzerland. They text everyday and FaceTime when the time differences allow. She always wakes up to a good morning text and a mini photo dump of pictures he’s taken that day. Sometimes they’re of the beautiful sights of Bern or Naters or wherever he is. Sometimes they’re literally just a picture of his toast for breakfast. But they’re nice to receive. And at his urging, she sends similar photo dumps back. His favorites are the selfies she takes at work. Bonus points if she’s wearing the scrubs he got her for Christmas. 

She goes to the hospital. She spends sporadic time with Quinn, Jack, Luke and other stragglers who show up at the apartment before they all head back to Michigan or wherever else. Nico relaxes with his friends and family. 

She misses him like a limb. 

…..

Clementine’s phone rings as she’s sipping on her coffee while sitting at a cafe by the hospital. She raises an eyebrow when she sees who’s calling. 

“Quinn. Hey.”

“Hi Clem. Are you busy?”

“You have me for about 15 minutes. What’s up?” She hears a sniffle and immediately she sits up straighter. “Quinny? Is everything okay?”

“Lauren and I broke up.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. “Fuck. Oh Quinn, I’m so sorry. When did this happen?”

“Earlier this morning. She-she called it off. Over the phone.”

“Over the phone?” Clementine tries to level her voice and judgment. “Wasn’t she just in Michigan?”

“She left last week.”

“Fuck, Quinn. How are you feeling?”

“I just, I’m just really sad, I guess. And a bit confused.” She gives him a moment to think. “I know she was voicing concerns about the distance and stuff, but we had talked about it and I thought we had come to a conclusion. I guess we left that conversation feeling very differently.”

Clementine picks at her nails, “What was her reasoning? Did she have any?”

“She said the distance wasn’t worth it anymore.” Quinn trails off and Clementine puts it together, her heart breaking for him as she finishes the thought for him. 

That Quinn wasn’t worth it anymore. 

Clementine grinds her teeth together. “Fuck her,” she says. “I know that’s not what you want to hear right now, but I’m serious. What the fuck? She just suddenly decided that after dating for over a year that she couldn’t do it anymore?”

“Yeah. I’m confused about that too. When she was talking and explaining her reasoning over the phone I was just, like, shell-shocked. I think I froze. She was bringing up things that she hadn’t ever brought up before and I don’t know, it just felt like she had made the decision to break up with me before I even picked up the phone. It wouldn’t have mattered what I said.”

“That’s shitty, Quinny. How unfair.”

“I mean,” she knows he’s shrugging on the other side of the phone. She wishes she could hug him. “I know I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend and there were underlying issues, but I-I tried my best.”

“I know, Quinn. I know,” Clementine sighs. How do you comfort one of your best friends through heartbreak when you can’t actually be there? “Q, I’m so sorry. I have to head back to work, but I’ll call you tonight, okay?”

“Oh. That’s okay. You don’t have to. Thanks for listening anyways.”

“I’ll call you back tonight. I promise. I love you. Hang in there.”

“Thanks, Clem. Love you too.”

Clementine manages to do one thing she does very well, which is push something out of her mind and focus on the task at hand. The second she clocks out of the hospital, on her commute back to Hoboken, she thinks through how she wants to talk this through with Quinn. It’s not her first time talking someone through a break-up, so she’s learned a few tricks and phrases here and there. Like most things, it just comes with repetition.  

But this is also Quinn. Her best friend. All her previous experience might not work and might not even matter.

She calls him as soon as she finishes her shower. She lets him talk for over two hours to the point where she has to adjust her position on the couch to be near an outlet so her phone can charge. 

There’s nothing really to say in a situation like this, as Quinn details what sounds a lot like heartbreak. She wishes she was in Michigan and could give him the tightest hug. Watching and hearing his sniffles through the phone has her throat closing up and all she can do is listen.

But as she climbs into her bed that night, she lets out a breath. She’s sure it hurts so much now, but Quinn will find a way. 

He always does. 

…..

Clementine’s phone reads 6:28 a.m. local time when she lands in Zurich. She yawns as she watches the plane taxi to their gate, Taylor Swift’s “august” playing softly in her ears. Somehow, the two seats next to her were empty so she had her own row the whole flight, meaning she got to go up and pee without bothering a single person. 

She turns on her phone, and texts the chat with the Hughes / Sandoval families that she’s landed, before thumbing over to her thread with Nico. He sent a text eight minutes ago. 

Nico Hischier 

At the arrivals area. Can’t wait to see you ❤️

Clementine Sandoval 

just landed!!! can’t wait to squeeze you 

Immigration and customs goes quickly, even if Clementine finds herself tapping her foot in line. She can already feel the heat of the Switzerland summer air seeping into her skin and she tugs off her sweatshirt, happy that she has a t-shirt underneath. Once she grabs her luggage from the carousel, she takes a deep breath, wheeling her suitcase through to the arrivals hall. Her eyes dart around to try and spot her boyfriend. It doesn’t take long. 

The grin spreads on her face when she sees Nico. He’s wearing an olive green t-shirt that’s seen better days and dark jeans topped off with those scuffed up Nikes that he always seems to wear. 

He’s holding a bouquet of wildflowers wrapped in newspaper, the sweetest smile peeking over. Clementine feels her heart threatening to burst out of her chest. 

She almost knocks her suitcase over as she throws her arms around him. She feels him chuckle and place a kiss on the side of her head. “Hi Schätzli,” he says softly. 

“Hi,” she pulls back and kisses him. But they’re both grinning too much to kiss properly. She holds his cheeks in her hand, happy to just be around him after a month. “I’ve missed you.”

“Missed you more,” he grins. “You look so beautiful.”

Clementine snorts because her Stanford t-shirt tied with her hair tie in the front and the black leggings with her Adidas definitely scream ‘I’ve been on a transatlantic flight and I need to shower.’

“I look like I just was on a plane for 8 hours,” she says dryly. 

“Beautiful,” Nico says firmly as he takes the backpack off her shoulders and grabs her suitcase, giving her the flowers to hold. “For you”

She sniffs the flowers and smiles. “Thank you. You didn’t have to get me these. They’re so pretty.”

“You’re so pretty,” he replies simply. That’s twice in 30 seconds. He turns to look at her again as they walk out to the parking lot. “I’m so happy you’re here.” 

“Thank you for driving all this way. I know it’s early and far.”

“Of course. I just want to see you.”

It doesn’t feel like it’s been a month as Nico starts the drive to Bern to his sister’s place where they’re staying for a few days. The sun’s high in the sky despite the early hour, and Clementine happily sips on the coffee and munches on the croissant Nico had graciously gotten her. They catch up on each other’s weeks like they have been over the phone when they’ve been almost 4,000 miles apart. They talk about the teenager who recognized Nico the other day when Nico and his friends were playing a game of pick-up soccer and how they all played until sundown and Clementine having to step in to assist in a higher than average number of surgeries the last month, as well as having to work the Fourth of July. She holds his hand the entire time and both of them can’t seem to stop the smile from spreading across their lips. 

She’s here. In the most beautiful country. With the most wonderful person. 

“How are you feeling?” Nico asks. “Are you really tired?”

“I’m okay.” She yawns. “Even if I am, I’m not sleeping until at least 9 tonight. I’m not wasting time here by being jetlagged and sleeping at weird times.”

Nico laughs. “Fair. But it’s okay if you’re tired for a few days. I always am.”

“No wasted time,” she says, poking his shoulder on every word. 

“If you say so,” he grins. “My mom’s making a huge breakfast for us when we get back and everyone’s excited to meet you.”

Suddenly, Clementine is nervous again. “She didn’t have to do that.”

“She wanted to,” he assures. “I haven’t brought a girl back home in…ever, really. They’re probably more excited to meet you than you are to meet them.”

“No pressure at all,” she says dryly. 

He looks over at her and squeezes her hand. “You’ll win them over in minutes.” Clementine hums before Nico continues. “If Jack could somehow have them all liking him in a day, you’re gonna be perfectly fine. You’re all the best parts of him and more anyways.” She reaches over to fix a strand of his hair and she wants to smirk at the light blush that paints his cheeks. He clears his throat, “I was thinking of taking it easy today, just walking around the town and exploring the area a bit. And then dinner at my favorite place in town?”

“Sounds perfect to me.” 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he says breathily. “I, just…I can’t believe it.”

She grins, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “Well believe it, pretty boy.”

(His stomach flips at being called ‘pretty boy.’ She hasn’t said that one yet. Two months after they’ve officially started dating and he still feels like a teenage boy with the biggest crush on the prettiest girl in school)

They pull up to Nina’s place and Clementine feels like she’s in a dream. Bern is beautiful everywhere you look. It’s almost like she’s in a picture book of a fairytale. She stretches and rises on her tiptoes to kiss Nico on the cheek to thank him for grabbing her luggage. She tugs at his t-shirt and he stops to turn to her, momentarily confused. She just wrap her arms around his waist again, wanting to feel him before they’re surrounded by his family. He chuckles, rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head three times. 

As they’re walking up the steps to the front door, it swings open as Katja, Nico’s mother, beams. “You guys made it! Hello!”

Clementine can’t help but smile back. “Hi,” she shifts the flowers so that she can shake Katja’s hand, but Katja doesn’t bother and just wraps her into a hug. “It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Hischier. Thank you so much for having me.”

“Thank you for coming all this way,” Katja’s eyes shift to Nico, who’s a few steps behind with Clementine’s luggage. “Nico tells us good things.”

She chuckles and ducks her head. “I think your son is a bit too nice to me.”

“Ignore her, Mama,” Nico says as they all walk into the house. “The only person who doesn’t know she’s the best is herself.” 

There’s footsteps coming down the stairs. Clementine’s met immediately with Nina’s smile. It’s the exact same as her mother and her brother’s and she is absolutely stunning. Luca is behind his sister as well with a matching grin. And Rino, who Clementine suddenly realizes is where Nico gets so many of his facial features from, just stands to the side with a small smile. 

“You’re here!” Nina exclaims. Nico says something quick in Swiss German which Nina rolls her eyes at before she pulls Clementine into a tight hug. “It’s so nice to meet you, Clementine. We’ve heard so much.”

“Yeah,” Luca echoes. “I’ve never seen Nico so excited about someone.”

Nico groans and Clementine hugs Luca with a giggle before nudging her boyfriend. “He’s not so bad either.” She turns to shake Rino’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Hischier. Thank you for having me.” Rino shakes her hand with a warm smile before Nico pinches her side and pulls her closer. 

“Okay, breakfast is almost ready!” Katja claps her hands. “Nico, why don’t you show Clementine to your room? Luca and Nina, come help me finish up. Oh! I can take those flowers from you. Did Nico get you those?”

Clementine giggles as she hands them over. “He did.”

Katja pats Nico’s cheek in such a motherly way that it makes Clementine’s heart ache in the best way. “I did raise a sweet one.”

Nico groans. “Mama.” Clementine makes eye contact with Nina and they both burst out laughing. “Come on. You can take a quick shower and then we’ll come back down.”

Clementine shoots a quick grin at Katja, Rino, Nina and Luca before following Nico upstairs. She decides to jump into the shower quickly and rinse off, partially to wake her up, mostly to wash the grime of the plane off of her. Nico’s sitting on the bed scrolling through her phone when she comes back out, hair wet and dressed in a light sweater and linen shorts. 

“The fact that there’s a window in the shower looking over the mountains is so unfair,” she says, combing her fingers through her wet hair. 

Nico chuckles. “Pretty, hey?”

“Very,” she yawns. “Come on. Don’t wanna leave your family waiting.”

Breakfast is absolutely delicious and filled with warm conversation, mainly filled with the Hischier family asking Clementine questions about herself, which she happily answers inbetween way too much bread, butter and coffee. Nico tries to intercept a few times (“This isn’t an interrogation, Luca”) but she just waves him off. It’s not like she likes talking about herself, but when being surrounded by people everyday who know the ins and outs of her career, it’s refreshing to have people take interest in what she does who don’t work in the medical field at all. 

After breakfast, Clementine and Nico venture into the town and Clementine is all smiles. The sun is out but it’s not too hot where she aches for shade like she does back in the US. She had changed into a dress after breakfast and doesn’t regret it, resisting the urge to twirl around the streets. It doesn’t hurt that Nico looks at her in a way that makes her giddy.

As they’re walking through the scenic old town, it’s obvious how relaxed Nico is. Away from New Jersey and the expectations that come with being the captain of the sole professional sports team from Garden State, Nico looks like every other guy in his mid twenties. It’s not like he isn’t happy in New Jersey, but there’s something freeing in the way he walks, his shoulders free from the weight he carries during the season. 

They walk in the sun leisurely, stop by a few shops that look interesting to Clementine and grab coffee and pastries from a cafe that Nico apparently frequents often, judging by how friendly he is with the staff. She hasn’t really gotten to hear Nico speak his native language that often so she enjoys hearing him switch so effortlessly.

“You look happy,” Nico comments as they’re taking a break and sitting on a bench to people watch. 

She tears her eyes away from an adorable family to meet Nico’s warm, brown eyes. “Do I?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I am. Are you?”

He presses a kiss to her temple and she leans her cheek against his shoulder. “Very much so.”

“Did I pass the test?” She teases. “Your family doesn't hate me?”

“Stop,” he says with a smile. “They love you. I can tell. I think my mom fell in love with you the second you talked about growing up with the boys.”

“Really?”

“She has a soft spot for sibling relationships. She always tells us how she’s glad me, Luca and Nina get along so well.”

“They’re great, by the way, your family,” she says. “Much less chaotic than mine, which is definitely a good thing. But really, really cool. I…” She trails off at the sight of a stray soccer ball. 

Nico’s eyebrows furrow before he follows her eyeline. He chuckles and gets up, holding out a hand for her. “Come on. Let’s do some passing.”

She lights up at the idea of passing around a ball with the mountains in the background on a fairly large, grassy area. The most picturesque image you could find, she thinks. She takes his hand and scurries over, getting her feet familiar with the ball as he backs away a few feet. 

They start some basic passing as they’re mindful of the fact that she’s wearing a dress. Clementine never saw soccer as more than a form of exercise in her youth, but she sometimes wishes she had time to join a rec league or something of that level in college and afterwards. The few people she keeps in touch with still in Toronto are mostly thanks to her club soccer days. 

She’s definitely rusty, but it’s good to go through the familiar motions again. She wrinkles her nose when Nico pulls off an impressive move. “This is unfair. Are you good at every sport?”

He just shrugs modestly, before passing the ball back to her. “I definitely don’t look at ease with this ball on my feet like you do. How long did you play for?”

“Like, over 10 years?” She executes some footwork and smiles in satisfaction. “Played pretty intensely all the way up until I was 18.”

“I can tell,” he smiles. “My dad would be impressed.”

She snorts. “Don’t be ridiculous. I was never good enough to play at the collegiate level, much less professional.”

“It’s interesting that you do that.”

She stops the ball with her foot. “Do what?”

“Downplay your achievements.”

Clementine blinks a few times. “What do you mean?” But she knows exactly what he means. 

Nico lets out a light snort, “You know what I mean. You’re probably the smartest and most interesting and talented person I’ve ever met. Even when you were talking to my family about your residency, you were talking about it like it isn’t a big deal. But it is a big deal. And it’s really fucking cool. And you’re so smart and quick and…I don’t know. I wish you would show off more, even though I know that’s not your style.”

She smirks. “You want me to show off?” Without waiting for an answer, she concentrates on the ball at her feet and looks up at the goal. She dribbles the ball a few seconds before striking it in the top right corner. She huffs, satisfied that she didn’t whiff it, laughing as Nico tackles her and lifts her up in a hug. 

The next two days are spent in Bern, as Clementine fights the jetlag while her camera roll fills up. The Hischier siblings bring her around and she just soaks up the sunshine, views, and attractions. She especially loves flowing down the river on boats like the most seamless lazy river that just runs through the city, because you can’t really get that in the US. Nico continues bringing her around to his favorite hidden spots and to his favorite shops and restaurants, all with his hand in hers and the most beautiful smile on his face. 

After Clementine says goodbye to Katja and Rino, the four of them take two cars to Zurich, Luca and Nina staying with friends while her and Nico rent out their own place. They arrive at a beautiful, spacious apartment that overlooks the center of Zurich. Clementine’s birthday is tomorrow and she has no idea what the plan is because she trusted Nico when he said he would handle it, but she’s a planner, so she can’t help but bring it up as they’re relaxing before heading out for dinner.

“Nico?”

“Yeah?” He calls out from the bathroom. 

“Can you give me a hint on what we’re doing tomorrow?”

He peeks his head out of the bathroom with a smile. “I was wondering when you were gonna ask.”

She shrugs. “I trust you. But you know I’m nosy.”

Nico chuckles. “Yeah,” he comes out of the bathroom and takes his phone out of his pocket. Once unlocked, he tosses it at her. He’s lucky she has okay reflexes. 

She raises an eyebrow at him before looking at his phone. Immediately, she gasps and drops the phone as it lands on the carpet on the floor. “Nico.”

“Yeah?”

“Nico,” she repeats, breathless. “You’re joking.”

“I’m not.”

“Taylor Swift? How long have you had these? How did you even get them?”

He comes over to sit on the arm of the sofa. “Nina’s a big fan. When you said you were gonna coming here for your birthday, she mentioned that Taylor Swift was gonna be in town at the same time. I pulled a few strings.”

She picks up the phone and swipes through the tickets, shellshocked. “Seven tickets?”

“Me, you, Nina, one of her friends, Luca and two of his friends. I guess they’re all kind of my friends too. I hope that’s okay?” He asks, eyebrows furrowed worriedly. 

“Nico, shut up. I’m gonna see my favorite artist live and I wanna meet your friends. Of course it’s okay,” she tackles him onto the couch as he laughs. “I-I can’t believe…thank you. Oh my god.”

“Good birthday present?” He jokes. 

She kisses him fondly. “I don’t know how I’m gonna beat this for yours.”

“Stop,” he murmurs, deepening the kiss. “I’m supposed to ask you if you have something to wear and if not, that you and Nina can find something tonight or tomorrow morning.”

She thinks of the light pink sequin dress she had thrown into her suitcase last minute, grateful for her past self’s decision. “I think I have something, but if I see something when we’re walking around later, I’ll let you know.” She holds his face in her hands. “Thank you. Seriously. First the whole trip and then this. I’ll pay you back for the tickets as-”

“No you won’t,” he says against her lips. She pulls back and gives him an unimpressed look. “I barely paid for them. It would be unfair to ask you to. It’s your birthday. It’s my present to you.”

Let other people do things for you for once, Clem, Quinn’s voice echoes through her head. He’s said multiple iterations of it throughout the years, but this one in particular she can envision, at dinner right after the Canucks played San Jose back in her Stanford days. That was about something simpler — arguing over who was paying for dinner — but the sentiment remains the same. 

“Fine. But I’m paying for everyone’s dinner tonight.”

“Of course,” he beams. 

“I mean it,” she warns. 

“I know.”

She slaps his shoulder with a smile. “You fucker. I can’t believe you got those tickets.”

“27 is gonna be a good year, hey?”

She launches herself into his arms. 

Yeah, it is.

…..

Clementine wakes up on her birthday to Nico pressing kisses all over her face as she squeals and wiggles around. She stretches and her arm whacks him in the face, causing him to groan. She kisses him as an apology. 

“Happy birthday, honey,” he says, hovering over her with a light smile. “I can hear your bones cracking already.”

“I will push you off the bed.”

“Empty threats.”

She yawns. “How much time before everyone gets here?”

“Like, two hours? Why?”

“Perfect,” she says, pulling him closer to kiss him feverishly. He lets out a soft moan and she melts into a puddle

An hour and a half later, Clementine fiddles with the coffee maker in the kitchen as everyone starts filing in. Nina is first to bounce over and gives Clementine a big hug, wishing her a happy birthday. She meets their friends and glares at Luca as he places a large bag on the table with tissue paper peeking out of it. She doesn’t need birthday presents. But it’s sweet they thought of her anyways. 

After lunch at a nearby outdoor cafe that Clementine falls in love with, everyone heads back. The guys venture out to the balcony while she, Nina and Anika, Nina’s friend, quickly make some friendship bracelets and start getting ready. Clementine’s almost done curling Nina’s hair when Nico peeks his head in, lighting up at the open box of beads on the table. He scurries in to grab the supplies and takes them outside without a word.

Anika, who’s been doing Nina’s makeup while Clementine’s been doing her hair, grins. “You two are cute together.”

“Oh, thank you.” Clementine looks up to flash a quick smile before focusing on not burning Nina or herself. 

“I’ve known Nico since he was a baby,” Anika says. “Always the younger one, he was chasing us all the time. Wanted to do everything we were doing. But it was Nico and he was so sweet, so we never said no.”

Clementine chuckles. “Yeah, I get that feeling. Not that my brothers necessarily wanted to do everything I did, but they were never far behind me when we were young.”

“Right,” Anika dabs the liquid blush on Nina’s cheeks. “That’s how you and Nico met, right? Your brothers play with him in New Jersey?”

“Yeah.”

Clementine’s taken aback tone must show because Nina smiles at her through the mirror. “My brother has talked about you quite a bit since he’s come back.”

That makes Clementine look down a bit abashed. “I guess they aren’t technically my brothers,” she clarifies. “I just grew up with them.”

“So like me and Nina here.”

“Yeah. Exactly like that.”

“Do you play hockey?” Anika asks, stepping back as she finishes Nina’s makeup. 

Clementine snorts, spraying hairspray into Nina’s hair. “No. You do not want to see me on skates. I played soccer. Or football, I guess.”

“But you enjoy watching it?” 

The conversation momentarily pauses as Clementine is ushered into the hot seat. Nina unplugs the curler and plugs in the straightener (“I want to try something”) as Anika takes a look at Clementine’s makeup products. 

“I do,” Clementine says. “Enjoy watching hockey, I mean. I don’t know if that would be the same if I wasn’t so closely connected with the sport personally, but I do enjoy it. It’s more comforting now than anything.”

“I still remember the day Nico got drafted,” Nina says wistfully. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.”

“And I remember everyone here staying up to watch it,” Anika adds. “There were people piling into the streets after in celebration.”

Clementine grins. “Yeah, I get that. I still remember Quinn, Jack and Luke’s draft days. It’s an extremely weird moment. Like, it’s wonderful of course, but also strange?”

“That makes sense,” Nina says. “It’s really cool to see how things have turned out since then, but it’s an interesting moment for sure. Especially when you remember Nico, or in your case, Quinn, Jack and Luke, as little boys just being little boys.”

“Nico’s really happy with you, I can tell,” Anika says. “And I don’t just say that to say that. His smile looks lighter. Freer.”

“I think that just might be because he’s home.”

“It’s because of you,” Nina says in a tone that leaves room for no argument. 

When she slips into her pink dress and puts the bracelets on her wrist as they’re about to head out, it hits her what’s really about to happen. She’s about to see her favorite artist. She still remembers being gifted a CD of Taylor’s debut album from her father, Teardrops On My Guitar on repeat. After the Eras Tour sold out in seconds and the resale tickets were way too high, she lost hope on ever seeing Taylor on tour, at least this go-around. 

She walks down the stairs and the first thing she sees is Nico. Dressed up in a light pink button up with khaki shorts, a backwards hat placed on his head, laughter etched in the lines on his face as he converses with his friends and siblings in his native language, she swallows. He looks up as she reaches the last step and his smile turns softer. Nina’s previous words echo her mind as she easily presses against his side. 

Clementine wrinkles her nose as she looks up at him. “You really do love your hats.”

“You don’t?”

“They’re fine. I just like your hair more.” Without argument, he takes his hat off and tosses it on a nearby couch. She gives him a look but he just kisses the top of her head. 

The closer they reach Letzigrund, a football stadium, Luca had said, she marvels at how large it is. She’s been to large concerts before, but as they park and make their way through the gates, she’s taken aback. Nico gently tugs their hands so she doesn’t get lost in the ground as they go find their seats. Turns out Nico pulling a few strings means tickets on the floor, not too close to the action where they would get pushed but at a vantage point where they’re in the center and can see everything. She turns to look at him bewildered and he just shrugs, a wry smile playing at his lips.

She pokes him. “Best birthday present ever.”

He takes a sip of his beer casually. “I’m glad. You know I prepared for this.”

“How?”

“I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift non-stop the last month.”

“I know we haven’t been dating for a long time, but all I do is play Taylor Swift.”

“True. But I didn’t realize how many songs she actually has. And you’re probably gonna know all of them.”

“Probably,” she admits. She’s definitely the biggest fan among the group right along with Anika. “But you don’t have to know all of them to have a good time.”

“I know. I heard she puts on a good show.” They watch Yannis, one of their friends, exchange bracelets with a stranger before Nico nudges her lightly. “I’m also just, I don’t know, excited because you’re excited.”

She snorts. “You’re a sap.”

What she wants to say, really, is “I love you.” But she refrains. 

Throughout the whole concert — which in itself is a highlight of her life and something she won’t ever forget — Clementine wants to tell him she loves him. When Taylor appears in her colorful, sparkly bodysuit and sings ‘Lover’ while Nico’s arms find their way around her waist as he’s standing behind her swaying them lightly, she wants to tell him. When she, Nina and Anika loop their arms around each other screaming ‘You Belong With Me’ and he simply points his phone at them with a laugh, she wants to tell him. Right before the bridge of ‘Champagne Problems,’ when he whispers a soft “wow,” eyes glued on Taylor on stage as she sings one of Clementine’s favorite songs of hers, she wants to tell him. When he quickly leaves and comes back in the middle of ‘Delicate’ with a beer for her and a water for them to share, she wants to tell him. 

When ‘Long Live’ comes on and she sees his eyes light up in recognition, before he pulls his phone out to record the end — her favorite part and the fact that he knows that is something in itself  — she wants to tell him. When he and the boys scream ‘22’ so incredibly out of tune and she can’t stop laughing, she wants to tell him. When she fully loses her voice screaming out ‘Illicit Affairs’ and he can’t hide his grimace at his eardrums bursting, she wants to tell him. As they both watch Anika practically collapse when the opening notes of ‘Style’ ring out — she had come into the concert blind to the setlist somehow — and Clementine can’t help but shake her hips while singing along, she wants to tell him. 

When he presses a kiss on her temple multiple times during the surprise songs as she is tearing up, she wants to tell him. When Taylor closes out the show with ‘Karma’ and Nico is visibly in awe of all the colors, fireworks, confetti and overall grand finale, she wants to tell him. 

She leans into his side as they walk to their cars. She loves him. They bid farewell to everyone. She loves him. When they get back to their place, they decide to rinse off the sweat and grime together and he gently rubs massages shampoo into her hair. She loves him. 

As Nico falls fast asleep next to her, arm wrapped securely around her waist, she’s about to lock her phone when she sees that she has a few text messages. They’re from Nina, who has already speedily downloaded the pictures she took on her digital camera from tonight. She thumbs through them quickly, smiling at all of them. 

She stops at one of her and Nico taken before the show in front of the stage. They’re both not looking at the camera but at each other. She’s in the middle of talking — about what, she can’t remember — as Nico is just smiling at her. 

She looks down at the sleeping man next to her. She loves him so fucking much. 

…..

(She does end up telling Nico that she loves him a few days later, as they’re weaving through a farmer’s market in Lucerne, him carrying the bags filled with fresh vegetables and other groceries that they’re using to make dinner tonight.  She thinks he doesn't hear her at first, but he tugs them towards the side and drops the bags so he can cup her face in his hands and kiss her. 

“You love me?” He murmurs. 

“Yeah,” she whispers. “I-I know it’s soon and you don’t have to say it back-”

He shakes his head with a grin, “Shut up.” He kisses her again. “I love you, Schatz.”

“Really?” She swallows. “You’re not just saying that?”

“I love you,” he repeats firmly. “I adore you, if we’re gonna be honest. You’re getting really close to be one of the best things that Jersey has brought me.”

“Well, now you’re just being stupid. How about, oh I don’t know, your entire career?”

He picks up their bags again, tossing an arm over her shoulder. “One of the best. Love you.”

She lets out a happy sigh, momentarily leaning her head on his shoulder as the sun hits their skin)

…..

The Switzerland tour is wrapped up in the best way, in Nico’s hometown of Naters, right by the mountains. Seriously, how is one country allowed to be this beautiful? She gets to hear the stories that litter these streets, the memories associated with the air interlacing with the wind, from a man who she loves and loves her. She tries not to think about how this is the last moments they’ll have until he comes back to New Jersey in September. 

The night before she takes off, they go out to dinner at a fancy enough place that Clementine’s pulling out one of her more formal dresses. The candlelight illuminates Nico reverently, his brown eyes not tearing away from her for more than 15 seconds the whole night. The attention would be overwhelming, but Clementine just lets herself sink into it. 

This feeling of being loved like this? It’s new. And she’s fully aware that it’s fragile and it could crumble any minute. But not right now. Not with Nico looking at her like she’s the only person in the room. 

When he drops her off at Zurich airport the next day, she hugs him for a full minute. She doesn’t cry, but there’s a pull at her heart that plants the silly idea of staying here forever just so that she doesn’t have to leave him. But she pulls away, kisses him one more time, runs a hand through his hair, before grabbing her things and walking through the automatic doors. 

…..

Clementine’s about to take a shower when she hears a key click into place. Seconds later, she’s sandwiched between Jack and Luke, uncontrollably laughing. She’s missed them dearly. 

Luke smacks a kiss on her cheek. Jack ruffles her hair. She scolds them about leaving their bags in the front door where anyone could trip on them. 

They’re back for another season, albeit a bit early to spend their last few summer days in the city. Nico lands tomorrow. Her Google Calendar has been synched with the Devils and Canucks game schedules.

Suddenly, the heat wave that’s hit New York / New Jersey doesn’t feel so constricting anymore.

…..

She might’ve had to bribe Ben to switch shifts with her, but there was no way she was gonna miss the home opener. Even if she’s extremely tired.

Clementine somehow makes it home before Jack and Luke are due to be at the rink earlier than normal for the carpet and other things. They’re both dressed and ready to head out. It’s a reminder that if Clementine sits on her couch for even 5 minutes, she will fall asleep. So she shouldn’t do that. 

Not even a minute after she shut the front door, there’s a knock. Jack calls out that it’s open and Nico walks in. 

If this were a few months ago, Clementine would blame just getting back from a long day of work for her eyes literally popping open. But it’s not, and she calls the man who walked through the door her boyfriend. Yet here she is, in her scrubs with her messy ponytail and smelling of hospital, just staring.

Holy. Shit. Nico looks hot. Which, like, yeah, he always does. Clementine is well aware that her boyfriend is a very attractive man. But something about the new green three piece suit that she had helped him pick out over FaceTime when he was still in Switzerland and his hair and the overall look has her literally speechless. 

Luke, like the bitch he is, takes note and just laughs. “Cat got your tongue, Clemmy?”

She finds her voice. “Fuck off.” 

Nico just smirks as he hugs Jack and Luke before walking over to give her a peck, “Hi.”

“Absolutely not,” she backs away when Nico reaches for a hug. He pouts but she shakes her head. “I just worked for 12 hours in a hospital. You do not want to hug me.” 

“Of course I want to hug you. I love you.” 

Somewhere behind them, she hears a gag. Gags, actually. She sticks out her middle finger behind her back before leaning in to give him another kiss. “I’ll hug you after the game when I’m clean.” He ignores her and just smothers her in a hug as she squeals. He presses exaggerated kisses all over her face as she tries to slither out of his hold. “Stop!” She breathes out in between laughs. “I’m literally so gross.”

“You’re beautiful.”

“Can you two not?” Luke deadpans. 

The couple both roll their eyes. “This is nothing,” Clementine retorts. 

“I know, which makes it worse.”

Jack snorts as he grabs his water bottle and keys. “You two ready to go? We’re cutting it close.”

“Yeah,” Nico tosses Jack his eyes. “You guys go down first. I’ll be a second.”

Jack looks between his captain and sister with a subtle glare. “Five minutes.”

“We are older than you,” Clementine retorts. Jack rolls his eyes before exaggeratedly blowing a kiss to Clementine. She scoffs but blows him and Luke a kiss as they walk out the front door. “They’re annoying.”

Nico chuckles, before brushing a stray piece of her hair behind her ear. “How was your day?”

“Fucking brilliant,” she deadpans. “You can’t tell by my messy hair and eye bags?”

His eyebrows furrow. “If you’re too tired to come to the game, you don’t-”

“Don’t even finish that sentence. I’m not missing the home opener. Are you insane? I’ll be good after a shower and a beer or two.” She places her hands and gently straightens his jacket into place. “You look incredibly hot.”

“Yeah?”

She kisses the smirk off his face. “Oh please. Like you don’t know.”

“It’s a good ego boost hearing that from the person’s opinion I care about the most.”

She gently brushes her hand through his hair. “I’m a very lucky woman.”

“I’m the lucky one,” he presses one last kiss on her lips. “I’ll see you after?”

She tilts her head to the side and pouts a bit. “Thought I was going home with you after no matter what, Captain.”

Nico’s eyes darken the slightest bit. Bingo. “Careful, baby.”

Clementine shrugs nonchalantly. “Have fun. Maybe score a goal or two for me?”

“What do I get if I do?”

“Careful, baby,” she echoes with a smirk. “You should head out before Jack and Luke storm back in here. And you know they will.”

He groans. “You ruined the moment.”

She chuckles, gently shoving him back. “Good luck. I’ll see you soon. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

…..

It’s not like anything is wrong, perse. 

Clementine doesn’t often get into her overthinking moods. Frankly, she doesn’t have time for it. Since she was 18, it was study hard, let herself be dragged out once in awhile by her friends away from the books, listen to her own gut when it told her she actually needed a break, feel herself falling more in love with medicine and patients and caring for them, rinse and repeat. She’s 27 now, and the contours of that thinking have adjusted to whatever moment she’s in, but her core is still the same. 

But when she finds herself in these overthinking moods, it consumes her. Her mom once told her it causes her to think irrationally, and Clementine had snapped back, even though deep down, she knew it was true. 

These overthinking moods could be about anything, and have been about anything. From grades, to the overwhelming ache of missing her father, to questioning if the path she’s worked so hard for is worth it, to questioning if going to California for eight years and away from everyone was the best choice or just the convenient excuse she could use when in reality, she was running from her problems. From watching Quinn, Jack and Luke from right next to them but also from so, so far away, to making sure her mother still enjoys and loves life even though it’s been almost ten years since she lost her partner, to her own self worth and if she’s as good of a person that everyone always tells her she is and how that can be true if sometimes she feels like she’s grasping at straws. 

The point is, Clementine knows herself well enough to know when one of these moods is coming. 

It hits her full force on her commute the way to the hospital, because of course it does. Last night had been really fun with the season home opener. She sat with all the significant others for the first time and the vibe was high. When Nico had scored, the girls had all cheered and pointed to her as she finished off a beer. Some of the fans had given her high fives and maybe had caught on, she thinks, especially because she was wearing a 13 jersey and Nico had pointed in her direction after he scored. But Devils fans are also just really nice, so it also could’ve been nothing. 

She already had a lot of the other women’s phone numbers from last year’s Friendsgiving, but she was officially added into the group chat because she’s not just Jack and Luke’s pseudo-sister who lives with them anymore. She’s also the captain’s girlfriend. 

Something about that has her mind racing this morning as she watches the streets of New York City at 7:29 a.m. outside the bus window. Now she’s thinking about whether she should be doing more because of that title. In the grand scheme of things, her and Nico haven’t been dating for that long. Realistically, she knows no one is expecting her to do anything more. She venmoed Nicole immediately yesterday when she had casually mentioned the money pool all the significant others have for various things like events, gifts and other things. But should Clementine be the one spearheading that because her boyfriend’s the captain? She just got here. She has no fucking idea.

She always thought being surrounded by hockey her whole life would help her in most of these situations. Not this one. 

When the time comes — if the time comes and her and Nico even last as long as she wants to — and off-season comes back around, is he gonna expect her to spend it in Switzerland with him? Obviously, that didn’t happen this summer because they had literally just started dating, but what about the future? She wouldn’t ever ask him to move his training closer to her, but how would off-seasons work in different countries when the regular season is already crazy enough?  She knows All-Star breaks and off-season vacations are a thing, but with her inflexible work schedule, how is all that going to work? Will he be upset that she probably won’t be able to join him? What if, somehow, Nico is traded to another team? Clementine’s home for the next four years is going to be New Jersey / New York. And then, vice versa, what happens if her future leads her to yet another part of the country?

Yeah, she’s majorly overthinking now. 

Usually, she would talk to someone about it, but in a rare instance, her mind comes up blank. Her mom and Ellen would just tell her to slow down and that she’s being silly. Emilia and her other friends at the hospital would listen, but wouldn't really get it. The other significant others are nice, but she doesn’t feel particularly close enough with any of them yet to voice her intrusive thoughts. No way is she talking to Quinn, Jack or Luke about this. 

That would leave Nico. But there’s something about that that feels off too. 

She’s also been told multiple times that she can’t keep things to herself. And she really does think she’s gotten better at it throughout the years. But old habits die hard. So she also does something she’s really good at. Putting it all away the second she walks into the hospital 

The next time she thinks about it is during a quick break she has inbetween patients, when she checks her phone and sees the notifications from the significant other group chat. Nothing important as she thumbs through quickly, but it still leaves her with a weird feeling in her stomach. 

And again, she wills those thoughts to go away as she steps back out into the hallway. 

The next few days, Clementine doesn’t see Nico much. She’s at the hospital and he’s busy with the new season starting and getting back into the swing of things, making sure his team is doing well on and off the ice and making sure new guys are acclimating. It’s nothing out of the ordinary — it’s not like she’s seeing Jack and Luke that much either while living with them. But she also knows deep down that it’s more than that. 

A week and a half after the season opener, Nico texts her to see if she wants to come over to his after her shift and they can make dinner together. Despite whatever weird things she’s thinking, she says yes. It hits her like a brick that they haven’t seen each other since Nico kissed her goodnight after the season opener.

She can tell something is on his mind immediately, or maybe that he knows something is on her mind, but they both don’t mention it the whole night. Instead, they loosely follow a steak dinner recipe Nico found online and keep the topics light. 

But she can’t help but feel like something is off the whole night. Clementine knows she should ask him. Talk to him about it. 

She doesn’t. 

Her stomach remains in weird knots for the next few days when she lets herself think even for a second about her boyfriend, who’s supposed to be the person she can talk to these things about, right? Clementine’s a bit out of practice — it’s been over three years since she’s had anything sembling a relationship — but goddamn, she doesn’t think this is normal. 

But she doesn’t want to burden Nico. He’s already overwhelmed enough with everything on his plate. She can see the wheels constantly turning in his mind. She doesn’t want to add onto that. 

So, Clementine avoids. 

…..

More patients. More long hours. The Devils first road trip. She should’ve known the people she lives with would pick up on something sooner than later.

“Are you and Schao fighting?”

Clementine has no idea where that nickname came from and has never asked. Hockey players are weird creatures, the nicknames they give their teammates included. 

She keeps her head down, putting the chicken pot pies in the oven. “Why do you ask?”

“Because I asked if he wanted to come by for dinner and he made some shitty excuse about calling his family or something.”

���Calling family is not a shitty excuse,” Clementine says automatically. Her back is towards them, but she knows Luke always beelines directly towards the bathroom to rinse off right after practice. So Jack’s the one who’s dropping their bags loudly on the floor. “Bags against the wall, Jacky.”

He grumbles and Clementine smirks to herself in satisfaction as she hears Jack move the bags. “So? Trouble in paradise?”

“None of your business.”

“Dude.”

“I mean it. None of your business.”

She doesn’t exactly snap — somehow, Quinn, Jack and Luke have never annoyed her enough to make her want to — but it’s something close to it. Silence, and then she hears Jack rounding the kitchen island. He tugs at her arm. “Do I need to beat him up? I know he’s my captain or whatever, but I will.”

“Absolutely not.” She finally makes eye contact with him and is taken aback at how serious Jack looks. “I’m not fucking with your team chemistry.”

“Who cares about team chemistry?” Jack asks, watching as she stirs the glazed carrots. “You’re my sister. So I’ll ask again. Do I need to whoop his ass?”

She sighs, leaning her hip against the counter. “No.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She shrugs. “There’s nothing much to it. Just a bump in the road, I guess.”

“About?” Jack presses lightly. 

Clementine bites her lip. One part of her is telling her that she shouldn’t talk to Jack — or Luke — about her relationship troubles simply due to the fact that Nico’s their captain and friend and teammate and rock and all of that. But the other part of her does want to finally talk to someone. “I think we’re trying to figure out how to be together with both our busy schedules and it’s…tougher than we anticipated.”

Jack hums, “I see.”

Despite herself, Clementine snorts. “I’m not getting relationship advice from my younger brother. I’m not stooping that low.”

“Lame,” Jack shoots back. “Your loss. I think I could give you some decent Nico advice. I’ve known him much longer than you have, you know.”

He does have a point. She watches him blow a piece of hair out of his face in thought. Then, Luke walks in with his damp hair. 

“What are you guys talking about?” Luke asks. 

“Nothing.”

“Nico.” She glares at Jack, who just shrugs with a smirk. 

Luke sits down across from her. “Oh wonderful. We’re talking about how miserable he’s been lately?”

Clementine busies herself by pouring him out a glass of water. “Nico’s been miserable?”

“Uh, yeah.” Luke says in a know-it-all voice that has her wanting to smack him on the head. “Besides, like, maybe a few smiles on the ice after a good play or game or whatever, he’s just had those sad eyes.”

Ah, yes. Those sad eyes. Clementine’s acquainted herself with those, even last season when they weren’t together. They come out after every loss. They’ve never come because of her. 

She shrugs, trying to be casual about it. She can feel Jack’s eyes narrowing and knows that his brain is moving. People don’t give Jack enough credit for how perceptive he can be. He tugs at her sleeve again, and Clementine sighs, lowering the flame so she can give him his full attention. 

“Do I need to talk to him?” Jack asks softly. “I don’t like seeing either of you sad.”

“Wait, hold on,” Luke interrupts. “You can’t talk to him if you don’t know what’s going on, Jacky.”

“No one is talking to anyone,” she says. “We just haven’t been able to see each other much lately. Or don’t want to. I don’t know.” 

“Clee.” Jack says flatly. 

She finally cracks, swallowing. “Obviously, I know what a season looks like. I mean, fuck, I lived with you two last year and I literally grew up with hockey all around me. I know it’s busy and I know he’s even busier because he’s captain or whatever. But shit, sometimes it feels like…I don’t know.”

“It feels like what?” Jack presses. 

She puts her head in her hands for a few moments before looking back up, squeezing her eyes together to keep the frustrated tears at bay. “Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t even want to be around me. Like we’re strangers or just friends or whatever”

“What?” Luke deadpans. “Clemmy, that’s…what?”

Jack throws his brother a dirty look. “Let her finish.”

“And it’s on me too,” she continues as if they hadn’t interrupted. “Like, yeah, he’s busy, but so am I. And I’ve been taking extra shifts and staying at the hospital to study longer because things are getting harder but, I don’t know. I guess now that we’re actually in the season it’s a whole other thing. I know I’m being unreasonable. Maybe I’m just not cut out for a relationship or whatever.”

She knows the last sentence is an intrusive thought. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t have some semblance of meaning.

“That’s stupid,” Jack says. Clementine looks up from the table to look at him sadly. He has a look of fire in his eyes. “The last part, I mean. Not cut out for a relationship? What does that even mean?”

“If that’s not it, what is?” She huffs out. “I just feel like, I’m losing him? Assuming that I had him in the first place, I guess.”

“Clementine,” Luke starts. He never calls her by her government name. “What are you talking about? That boy is head over heels for you. You’ve had him since the moment you two met, I’m pretty sure.”

“Have you guys talked about this?” Jack asks. “Like, actually sat down and talked about how you’re feeling and why you’re upset.”

“How can we talk when I don’t even know why I’m upset?”

“It doesn't need to be, like, extremely coherent. Even if it doesn’t come out pretty or whatever, at least he’d know and stop making assumptions. And as someone who knows Nico, he’s definitely doing that, but probably not talking to you about it because he thinks he’ll just burden you with it.”

Clementine groans. “That’s the crux of it, I think. We’re not talking about the things that matter. We should be able to do that. Because I also think I’m burdening him with my unnecessary problems.”

“So, let me get this straight,” Luke starts. “Cap’s miserable and you’re miserable because you’re not…talking to each other?”

“Well, when you put it like that, I sound like a dumbass.” She picks at her nails. “It’s also more than that. A lot of factors involved.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Jack promises. 

Clementine glares at him. “No. Stay out of it, Jacky. You too, Luke. I’m not putting you guys in the middle of our shit when you have to play with him.”

“I’m not gonna say anything bad,” Jack says. “You said that you feel like he doesn’t wanna talk to you, right? Which I know is a load of bullshit. He, again, probably just thinks he’s bothering you with his shit because that’s how Nico operates. He’s a great captain and will listen to anyone else’s problems, but thinks that no one wants to hear his, which, like you said, is stupid, especially when it comes down to you two. I’ll talk to him, Clee. Give him a little push. And then you two need to talk.”

She turns towards Luke — since when does she trust Luke enough to determine a good idea from a bad one? — who shrugs. “It wouldn’t hurt,” Luke says. “Jack has a way of getting through to Nico like no one else can.”

“Yeah, but that’s on ice stuff. This is off-ice stuff. And something that doesn't involve you guys.”

Jack lets out a little noise at that. “Hate to say it, but the second you guys started dating, we were already involved.”

She sighs. Because he’s right. Again. “I love him,” she says. 

“I know. And he loves you too. No one’s doubting that,” Jack says. The oven beeps and before she can move, Luke rushes to gather the pies. “I won’t overstep, I promise.” 

They let the topic go for the rest of dinner. 

…..

Clementine doesn’t even get the chance to fully swing open the door the next afternoon before Nico’s pulling her into a tight hug. She freezes for a few seconds before melting into his embrace, rubbing her thumbs against the back of his neck as he rests his head on her shoulder. He mumbles something and she asks him to repeat it. 

He straightens up, hands still wrapped around her and clears his throat. “I always want to be around you.”

She blinks, before sighing in realization. “Whatever Jack said, it’s-”

“It’s not about what he said,” Nico says, closing the door behind him. “Not entirely. He just…lit a fire up my ass a bit.”

“A bit too bluntly and with so little tact that would seem rude if it wasn’t coming from Jack?”

Nico snickers. “Yeah.” He calms down and looks at her seriously. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she responds automatically.

“No, I mean,” he pauses and swallows. Clementine knows his wheels are turning. Even after being in North America for almost a decade, sometimes his English fails him and it takes a few moments for him to formulate what he wants to say. “I love you. I always want to be around you. I want to hear about your days at the hospital and I want to kiss you after every win and to hug you after every loss. But most importantly, I want to hear about your thoughts and feelings about everything, and that includes us. I’m sorry that you haven’t felt comfortable to do that lately.”

Her heart lurches and she places her hands on his cheeks. She can’t take the sad, watery eyes. “Hey. Hey. It’s okay. It’s alright. It’s on me too.”

He vehemently shakes his head, his hands reaching to wrap around her wrists. “No, it’s not. I-I’m the one with- you’ve given me so much control, with the season and everything, when you’re just as busy. Probably even busier than me. Shit, you’re literally a doctor. That’s nothing compared to what I do.” 

“Nico-“ 

“I know I need to work on communicating and letting people in. It’s been an issue my whole life. Just ask Nina. I, you know, the team is wonderful and supportive, but I still feel the need to not let them know too much about my struggles, you know? Because I’m supposed to be the leader. But you’re not part of the team. Not in that way. You’re my girlfriend. My best friend. And I need to work on talking things through with you instead of my instinct of shutting down or dealing with it myself.” 

Clementine blinks, taking it in. She’s always known Nico to be self aware, but this is a whole new level. 

He kisses her gently, before pressing his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry. I’ll be better. That’s a promise. You can come to me with anything, even if you don’t think it’ll be something I want to hear. You can trust me. Rely on me. I’ll prove it to you everyday.”

“You don’t need to prove anything to me,” she says, rubbing his cheekbones with her thumbs. “Just…please talk to me? And I also need to work on doing that with you. I know we’re both busy and have our own separate lives-”

“You are a part of my life,” Nico assures. “A huge part. Like yeah, it’s separate with the fact that you have the hospital and your people there and I have hockey and the people there, but not really. We’re a team, right?”

She smiles at him repeating her words back to her face. She had said that once in their phone calls over the summer where she started rambling about how she’s always seen romantic relationships as more than just sweeping each other off their feet. ‘If the two people aren’t on the same team, then what’s the point? Then it’s just two people with a whole lot of feelings who never truly see each other eye to eye’ she had said. 

“Yeah. We’re a team. Since we’re a team, can I propose something?”

“Anything,” Nico rushes out. And it’s so nice to know for sure that he means it. 

“Can we try to do one night a week? Just for us? Unless you’re on a road trip or I have a weird shift schedule for some reason. Obviously, more would be great, but one at the bare minimum?”

Nico hums. “One guaranteed date night with you every week? I think I can manage.”

“You think?” she pokes his side. 

“It’s perfect,” he says with pure sincerity. “You’re perfect.”

She rolls her eyes. “Far from it.”

“False,” he beams, sneaking another kiss. Clementine’s heart feels the lightest it’s felt in weeks. “I can’t believe Jack was right.”

She snorts. “About? Jack’s never right.”

“I know,” he rolls his eyes, before looking at her in a way that makes butterflies flutter in her stomach. “But he was right this time.”

Oh. They’re not talking about the fight anymore. 

…..

(Clementine finally tells Nico everything that day about the overthinking — the tendencies and the topics she was overthinking about this time. He’s rubbing her knee as she talks about how she feels like she has to be setting an example or something because she’s dating him. She knows he wants to interrupt and assure her. She appreciates that he waits until she finishes. 

He reassures her, which is nice, but he realizes that that’s not necessarily what she needs. Clementine just needs someone to listen. And Nico thinks everything she says is always worth listening to. 

But Clementine also likes to be proactive and have tangible next steps, something she and him have in common. So they both come up with the first step: Clementine sends a text to Kristen Haula, who has a lot of experience of just … being the significant other to a professional athlete. Kristen responds quickly and kindly, asking when Clementine has a day off from work where she can come over and they can chat. 

It’s always a breath of relief knowing people want to help with problems that she thinks are stupid. Because they’re usually not stupid. Nico’s there to assure her of that. 

She goes to sleep that night with a smile.)

…..

That conversation is just the start. Because you can say all you want in a relationship, say you need to improve things, but until things are actually done, it doesn’t mean squat. 

She can tell there’s something on Nico’s mind, even in the short phone call as he’s heading to the rink before a game and she’s heading home from the hospital. Clementine asks multiple times if he’s sure he’s okay and he tells her he’s fine, so she lets it go, wishing him good luck and assuring him she’ll be watching. 

The Devils lose 5-1 to Vegas, and it’s so tough to watch that she almost wants to turn it off before it ends, especially after the camera pans to Nico’s face and Jack breaking his stick on the boards in frustration after the final buzzer sounds. A four game losing streak. 

After giving Jack and Luke extra long hugs, Luke burying his face into her shoulder and Jack clutching her t-shirt, she calls Nico as she’s climbing into bed.

“Hey baby.”

“Hi.”

“Don’t beat yourself up too much, okay? Are you back at your place?”

“Yeah. What are you doing awake?”

She swallows at his blunt tone. “I wanted to catch you afterwards.”

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Get some sleep.”

“Oh. Okay. Are you sure you don’t wanna talk about it?”

A rustle on his end. “I’m sure.”

“Want me to come by tomorrow morning? I don’t have to head in until the afternoon.”

Silence. “Yeah?” The raspy voice he’s gotten from yelling during the game momentarily makes her smile because she’s always found it so attractive. “Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

“Okay,” she thinks his voice softens. “Yeah. I’d love that.”

“Great. Goodnight, then. I’ll see you in the morning. Sweet dreams. I love you.”

“Goodnight, Schätzli. I love you.”

The next morning, she punches in Nico’s code and walks in to him pouring out a cup of coffee for her. He’s dressed in his typical day off attire: a random t-shirt that she thinks looks unfairly good on him, gray sweatpants and his hair is all messed up. She paddles over to the kitchen.

From behind, she wraps her arms around his waist. “Hi baby.”

“Hey,” he turns in her arms to peck her lips. “You eat yet?” He asks. 

“Mmhmm.”

He hums, following her to the couch and sinking down right next to her. He tucks himself into the blanket with an involuntary hum, burying himself into the pillow, dragging her down so that she’s laying on his chest. She breathes in his scent and automatically smiles. She feels him physically relax. 

“How’s the hospital been?”

Clementine shrugs. “The usual.”

“Tell me more.”

She blinks. Oh, she realizes. And she then talks about random details of her week that don’t actually matter but she’s figured out that sometimes he just likes to listen to her voice. Whether to ground himself, get himself out of his own head or both. He hums in all the right places to show he’s listening, but she also doesn’t really need him to listen about the workplace drama of people having a theory that two of her coworkers are hooking up. 

There’s a lull in the conversation as she listens to his heartbeat. She thinks he might have fallen asleep. She doesn’t dare move to check.

“Eight.”

So he’s not asleep. She taps her fingers on his chest. “Hm?”r

“This is my eighth season in the league. Eighth in Jersey. And I have nothing to show for it.” She swallows. She debates sitting up so she can see him, but she stays still. He sighs. “I feel like we’re just never going to have a good start to the season, and it’s just like this every year and I’m not doing anything right. I can’t shoot. I can’t score. I can’t lead this team.” 

“Nico-“ 

“At this point, if we’re not the team that’s gonna get Jersey to the cup, then who is? It’s always been about potential and things falling into place and sometimes I feel like all of it has and then we end up falling short anyways.” He starts breathing faster and Clementine sits up, holding his hands. She can see the storm in his eyes. “Fuck, I’m the captain. Part of my job is to make sure this doesn’t happen and that when we gain momentum, that we don’t lose it. But it feels like we can’t even gain that momentum so we’re stuck in whatever the hell we’re stuck in. It’s starting to remind me of my first few seasons here, which really fucking sucks and just shouldn’t be where we’re at. Are the pieces ever going to come together like everyone has been saying it will?”

(In the back of her mind, Clementine’s stomach drops because Nico rarely swears, and he just dropped two f bombs in the last 15 seconds)

She squeezes his hands. “Nico. Please listen to me when I say this. It is not all on you. Captain or not, no one is expecting you to carry all of that on your shoulders.” He opens his mouth to counter but she’s quicker. “Nope. I don’t want to hear it. If I’ve learned anything from growing up with three hockey-playing brothers, is that hockey is a team sport. You win together. You lose together. Everything you go through? You go through together.”

“But I feel like I’m not doing anything right.”

“If any single one of your teammates heard you right now, I know they’d smack you in the face.” Clementine says bluntly. “Even before we were dating, from day one of training camp in Jack’s rookie year, when you didn’t even have the C yet, he was already raving to me about how good of a role model you were. You didn’t just get that C just because, Nico. You were and are the best option. I fully believe it. Your teammates respect you so much, baby. I see it with my own eyes every game. And they love and respect you enough to know that this is not all on you. You lead your team so beautifully. It is your team. And fuck the media and what they’re saying. Half of them can’t even hold a stick in their hand or skate. Literally who cares what they think? The outside noise is all bullshit anyways.” She rubs his cheekbones with her thumbs. “I know my words can’t fix the slump you guys are in. But I refuse to let you believe that any of this is entirely your fault. It is anything but. I refuse you to let you believe you’re anything but a good leader. You are the best leader. But you need to put less pressure on yourself over things that are out of your control.”

She lets her words wash over him, as he nods. One of her favorite things about him is that he’s always so expressive, especially in the domestic environment of his apartment under the maroon blanket she knitted him for Christmas. Here he is, not under any arena lights, just in his home away from home, trying to find some grounding. She places a kiss on his forehead and he practically falls into her touch.

“Everything about you always helps,” Nico whispers. “Thank you.”

“No need,” she smiles as his cheek rests on her stomach, arms wrapped around her waist in a tight embrace. “It’s okay to be frustrated and upset, honey. I get it. But you’re gonna drive yourself insane if you keep holding all this weight on your shoulders. Share it with others. Share it with your teammates. Share it with me. It’s what we’re here for.” Nico mutters something in German and she snorts. “English, please.”

“I don’t want to share it with you if it means I’m gonna explode and scare you. That’s the last thing I want to do.”

Clementine blinks, digesting that statement. She picks her words carefully. “It’s more than okay to show emotions. Any psychologist would tell you it’s healthy to do so. The fact that you’re afraid at the idea of scaring me is probably a good indicator that you won’t. And please. Give me some credit. I don’t get scared easily.” She leans down to press a kiss in his hair. “I mean it. Share the burdens, baby. We all want to help.” 

He hums and she lets him play with her fingers before she has to go to work. 

…..

There were cons to not living near the boys for eight years — missing big moments and not having their presence around all the time being the two biggest ones. 

But there were pros too. Such as, not being a part of moments that she would rather be anywhere else for. She doesn’t know who gave the three boys the sex talk (it probably was Quinn, but who gave it to him?) and she knows that if she had been in Toronto or Michigan during that time, she would’ve begrudgingly done it and hated every second. 

If she thinks about it too much, it’s kinda incredible how she hasn’t encountered this particular situation yet. 

This particular situation being this: Clementine’s just come back from an overnight shift she got let off early from, exhausted to her bones but not exhausted enough to be immobile. On the drive back from the station, she was debating whether to stop by her favorite deli or make her own brunch. She ultimately decided that there are too many things in the fridge to justify her going to the deli. Maybe next week. 

So now here she is, preparing her feta egg bake thing that she saw on TikTok, a mix of vegetables drizzled in olive oil and various herbs sitting on the counter on another tray, ready to go into the oven. She hears the front door open and glaces at the clock on the microwave. Morning skate must’ve been earlier than normal today. 

“Hello?” Luke’s voice calls out. 

“In the kitchen!”

She hears two pairs of footsteps come closer, assuming that Jack is with him. Though if she had stopped to think about it, she would’ve automatically thought it was weird that he didn’t call out a greeting either. She turns around, half smile planted on her face. The half smile doesn’t exactly drop at the sight of the unknown blonde girl next to him. Just turns more confused. Before Clementine can say anything, Luke speaks up. 

“Hey. I didn’t think you’d be home until later.”

“They let me out early,” she searches her mind quickly, trying to see how to ask who the fuck is in their kitchen without sounding like a bitch. 

Luckily, Luke does it for her. He clears his throat. “Uh, Clemmy, this is Ava. Ava, Clemmy. Or, Clementine, I guess.”

Clementine decides to put him out of his misery a bit. She hopes her smile is friendly enough. “Nice to meet you, Ava.”

“Same here. Are you Jack’s girlfriend?”

Before she can stop herself, she snickers. “He fucking wishes.”

“That’s Amelie,” Luke corrects. “Clemmy’s dating Nico, my captain.”

Ava’s eyes widen. “Oh. I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay,” Clementine waves away her apology easily. “A lot of names. A lot of characters. Speaking of, where is Jack?”

“Dropped him off at Amelie’s after practice, actually. She’s totally gonna kill me though. I think she has to head to Philly later.”

“She’s definitely gonna kill you. Have you two eaten yet?” She asks politely. 

Ava nods. “We did. Thank you so much though.”

“Anytime.” Luke makes a move to lead Ava to his room and Clementine immediately gets the hint. “If you change your mind, our fridge is open to all. I live here, which means there should be something edible.”

“Hey!” Luke protests. The two girls laugh. “Thanks though. Are you heading to Cap’s?”

Clementine shrugs. “I was going to eat, nap and maybe head over later, but I also didn’t know your morning skate was earlier than normal. Maybe I’ll go over to his and use him as my pillow.”

“Don’t drive if you’re too tired,” Luke warns, sounding entirely too much like Jack. “Hisch can wait if needed.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She waves her spatula at them. “Alright. I’m off an overnight shift, so you know what that means.”

Luke rolls his eyes as Ava looks between them curiously. “Your social battery is at its lowest and you’ll start snapping soon.” Ava looks amused and Clementine grins. “C’mon, Ava. Let’s go to my room.”

“It was nice to meet you,” Ava says. 

“Likewise,” Clementine responds. The second Luke’s door shuts, she puts the feta egg bake and the vegetables in the oven and immediately grabs her phone, thumbing over to her text chain with Nico. 

Clementine Sandoval 

lol just had a major big sister moment 

She gets a reply in seconds. 

Nico Hischier 

???

A moment you haven’t already experienced?

Clementine Sandoval 

luke just came home with a girl I’ve never met before 

Nico Hischier 

In the day time? Lol

Does Jack know about this? 

Clementine Sandoval 

lol i’m assuming not

i def would’ve heard about it by now 

luke’s not that stupid if he wanted to keep it quiet (which it seems like he does) jack would be the last person he’d tell 

Nico Hischier 

You do realize I’m their captain, right? 

I could very well be with Jack right now. He could be looking over my shoulder

Clementine Sandoval 

please i’m not an amateur 

luke already told me he dumped jack at amelie’s 

what are you doing the rest of the day?

Nico Hischier 

Sitting on my coach and staring at the wall waiting for my beautiful girlfriend to come by after she takes her nap  

Clementine Sandoval 

whipped 

any chance i can come by earlier and nap at yours? didn’t know you guys had an earlier skate 

Nico Hischier 

Door will be unlocked ❤️

Clementine Sandoval

???? your door has a code 

but thanks 🩵🩵 i’ll come by after i eat

After her food is cooked thoroughly, she eats quickly, flicking through emails on her laptop. She can hear a movie playing through Luke’s laptop in his room and murmured voices through the door. As she’s cleaning up and getting ready to head out, she debates on whether she should tell Luke or not. She probably should, because then he’ll start worrying, which is something that she’s noticed all the brothers have done more as they’ve gotten older. 

“Luke!” She calls, “I’m heading out.”

“Okay,” she hears his voice through his door. “Are you coming back for dinner?”

“Not sure yet. I’ll text you.”

“Okay!”

Clementine chuckles before grabbing her stuff and closing the front door behind herself. 

Nico snorts as she’s retelling what happened, sipping on a cup of coffee. Clementine’s rambling to the max, sitting up on his kitchen counter and swinging her legs, not stopping even as Nico slips himself inbetween them and plants his hands on her thighs. 

Suddenly, she trails off with a yawn. He chuckles softly before engulfing her in a hug, kissing her neck softly. “Couch or bed?” 

“You don’t like just lounging on your bed.”

“But it’s your nap time and you like my bed.”

She plays with his hair, placing her cup of coffee down carefully. “Couch.”

“Okay,” he hums, helping her off the counter. “Is there anything I need to wake you up for later?”

“I made some sort of promise a few days ago that I’d cook Jack and Luke dinner, and I feel bad that I haven’t done it yet.”

“They can come over here and we can both cook them something.”

“You have groceries in your fridge?”

He gives her a look as she giggles. He tosses a blanket over her. “Sleep before you start getting sassier on me.”

Clementine hums, eyes already drooping. She tugs at his shirt as he’s about to leave. “Stay.”

“Baby-”

“Just until I fall asleep,” she grins as he climbs in, immediately burying her head into his chest as his arm wraps around her. She hums, eyes already shut. “I love you,” she murmurs against the cotton of his shirt.

She feels the gentlest kiss on her forehead before drifting off to sleep.

…..

Clementine loves being able to switch her brain during a live hockey game. Unless she gets a call from anyone at the hospital — which hasn’t happened yet — any good hockey game can turn her often overtired and overstimulated brain off. 

So when Sarah, one of the staffers she frequently runs into at Devils games, comes up to her row, Clementine’s immediately standing up. “Sarah? What are you doing up here?”

“Can you come with me for a second?” At Clementine’s concerned stare, Sarah continues quickly. “Nothing bad! Just want your help on something medical related.” 

“Medical related?” Clementine stands up and starts following Sarah. 

“One of the kids in the Islanders box hurt herself and I’m pretty sure it’s just a sprained ankle, but you work with kids so I figured you could give another opinion and calm her down, maybe? If you don’t mind, of course.”

Clementine breathes out a sigh of relief. This she can handle. “I don’t mind at all. Jesus, Sarah. I thought it was something more serious.”

Sarah grimaces. “Sorry. Again, I just want a second opinion. I’m sorry to interrupt you watching the-”

“I get it. And hey, I’ve watched dozens of games by now.” They arrive at the visitor’s suite and somehow, Clementine feels immediately at home even though there’s an adorable blonde girl crying on the floor with her mother kneeling down next to her. 

Clementine bends down and sits on the back of her heels. “Hi cutie. My name is Clementine. I’m here to help you, okay?” The mom, who is drop dead gorgeous, mutters some encouraging words to her daughter. “Can you tell me what happened, sweetie?”

Inbetween hiccups, the young girl explains that she was running around because her dad had just scored a goal but had run into a chair and had fallen backwards and now her ankle really hurts and if it’s broken she won’t get to play with her friends at recess. Clementine softly shushes her and calms her down before asking if she can take a look. The young girl nods and Clementine gingerly takes her ankle, rolling up her jeans. She speaks to the girl softly (who Clementine learns is named Winnie), asking about who she’s here to see and the game and anything else to keep her distracted while she does her routine checks. 

Clementine taps her ankle. “Well, good news, Winnie. It’s only swollen, which won’t require going to the hospital. I’m just gonna wrap it up for you and get you some ice to keep on it, okay? And lots of rest, which means no running around for a bit.” She nods thankfully at Sarah, who runs to grab some bandages and an ice pack. 

“Does that mean I get to watch Disney all day tomorrow?” Winnie asks. 

Clementine laughs. “That’s gonna be a decision your mama has to make.” She turns to the gorgeous blonde again with a smile. “Everything’s all fine. Just lots of rest and ice and she’ll be good in no time. You can give her children’s motrin if she complains that it hurts too much, but it shouldn’t if she isn’t moving it around.”

“Thank you so much,” she says gratefully, putting her hand out. “I’m Sydney. It’s nice to meet you. I’m really sorry for interrupting your game.”

Clementine waves her away. “It’s no problem at all. I’ve seen a bunch of these, so I’m not too pressed.”

“Are you a doctor?”

“Not yet technically. I’m in my second year of residency with pediatrics and ER. But I promise I know what I’m doing.”

“Oh, no! I trust you, don’t worry. You have a very calming presence.”

“Well, your daughter is super sweet. So I’m sure you have a lot to do with that.”

Sydney beams. “You’re so sweet! Thank you.” 

“Who are you here for?”

“Number 17. Matt Martin. He’s my husband. How about you?”

Clementine chuckles, as Sarah comes back with the supplies and Clementine wraps the bandage around Winnie’s ankle. “Depends who you ask.”

“Oh?”

“Well, I grew up with Luke and Jack. 43 and 86. But I’m dating Nico. Number 13.”

“That’s the captain, right?”

“It is.” 

Clementine’s surprise must show through her voice because Sydney laughs. “Honestly, I don’t know why I know that. I blame my past journalist self who picks up on details quickly. Or the Devils and Islanders being in the same division.”

“That’s completely fair. I feel like I know too much about hockey for someone who never played.”

“It’s an added layer when we choose who we surround ourselves with, right?” Sydney says and Clementine nods with a smile. “Where are you doing your residency?”

“I’m mainly at NYC Health and Hospitals / Bellevue. First and 28th.”

“Do you live in the city?”

“Oh, no. Though that’s probably smarter, right?” They both laugh. “No, I live with Jack and Luke in Hoboken. They kinda begged, and it saves me money, and I don’t mind the commute.”

Sydney looks around for Winnie, who’s hanging out with one of the other Isles wives and is occupied. “Am I keeping you from someone? Thank you again for all your help.”

“No, not at all! Decided to come out solo tonight.”

Sydney then nods to two empty seats against the glass. “Come sit with me?”

Clementine just smiles and follows her to the seat as Winnie runs at her legs. The two women laugh as Clementine picks her up and sits her on her hip. 

She leaves that night with a new number in her phone. Jack whines about her “befriending the enemy” as Luke cackles. Nico just grins, because he knows what it’s like to be captivated by her energy instantly. 

*****

Clementine’s reading on Nico’s couch when she hears him groan loudly from the kitchen. When she doesn’t hear an explanation, she finishes the sentence and looks up. 

“Everything okay?” 

“No,” he grumbles, walking back in and typing something rapidly on his phone. “The rookies and the young guys went out and got way too drunk and called me by accident. I literally couldn’t understand more than two words of what Shea was saying.” 

“How are they getting home?” 

Nico sighs and picks up his keys. “I’m getting them. I don’t trust them to not puke all over an Uber right now.” 

“But you trust them to not puke in your car?”

“I’ll tell them to aim out the window.” 

Clementine snorts, standing up. “You drank earlier. I’ll drive.” 

Nico blinks. “I didn’t drink that much.” 

“Don’t care. I’m driving. How many of them are there?” 

Nico looks at his phone, presumably his texts, to confirm. “Five. But apparently Luke called Jack so he’s coming too.” Nico laughs, reading another text. “And Amelie. Must be a similar vibe at the Hughes apartment tonight.” 

“It was. Amelie told me they were having a chill date night too.” She quickly goes to Nico’s room to toss on one of his Devils sweatshirts. She comes back out and sticks her hand out as Nico slips on his shoes. “Keys. And grab a few trash bags, please.”  

Nico obeys before they’re both out the door, his hand naturally brushing against her back as they wait for the elevator. “I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“All of this.”

She snorts as the elevators doors shut. “Don’t need to apologize for your teammates acting their age.”

“Yeah, but it’s not your responsibility to deal with that.”

“It’s yours though.”

He furrows his eyebrows. “I’m not following.”

She rises on her tiptoes to kiss him, to which he responds with enthusiasm despite his confusion. “Your boys, my boys, no?” She murmurs against his lips, letting him steal two more kisses. “I’m dating you. You’re the captain of an NHL team. You look out for the guys. Therefore, so do I.”

Nico shakes his head with a fond smile as the elevator doors open and he shuffles them both to the garage, his hands steadily on her hips. “You’re the best, you know that?”

“Been told that once or twice in my life,” she dodges his pokes as they walk to the car. 

It only takes them 15 minutes before they’re in front of a bar. Nico pulls in right next to Jack’s car and Clementine laughs as all four of them get out of their cars at the same time. One look at Amelie tells her that she probably was dragged out of bed to come here.

She nods at the younger girl as they trail behind their boyfriends walking into the bar. “Chauffeur?” 

Amelie smiles wryly, handing her a few bottles of water for whoever is coming in Nico’s car. “No. I’m the one who actually opened the wine tonight. But I don’t trust Jack to wrangle these guys by himself. Also, he promised he’d get me lunch from my favorite place tomorrow before I have to drive to Long Island.”

Clementine whistles. “Good girlfriend you are.”

Amelie tosses an arm around Clementine’s shoulders, which makes the latter grin. Amelie had been a bit shyer when they met at the start of the season, but she likes to think she’s cracked the photographer’s exterior a bit. They walk into the bar and just follow the guys, who quickly find their teammates. Clementine only raises an eyebrow as Seamus stumbles to give Nico a hug, almost taking out Simon in the process, who looks like he’s about to either fall asleep or throw up any minute. Jack is subtly steering glasses of alcohol away from Alex as he’s chatting away to Luke. Clementine’s half convinced he’s speaking Swedish and Luke’s too drunk to realize. She scans the bar to find the last straggler and chuckles when she sees Nico (little Nico, she affectionately calls him) come out of the bathroom. He brightens up when he sees the older girl and Clementine laughs loudly as he almost falls into her arms. 

She, Nico, Jack and Amelie corral everyone into the two cars — Luke, Alex and Nico riding with Jack and Amelie and Seamus and Simon with Clementine and Nico, all purely based on proximity. Clementine gives both Amelie and Jack hugs before climbing into the drivers seat. She gives Seamus and Simon each bottles of water as she starts the engine. 

“Drink. The whole thing. Both of you.” She commands. She peeks through the rearview mirror to make sure they do. 

“I’m waiting for the lecture, Mrs. Cap.” Seamus groans out.

Clementine snorts. “No lecture from me. But you guys do remember that you have a team meeting tomorrow, do you?”

“How do you know that?” 

Nico snorts as an answer as Clementine rolls her eyes. “How much did you guys have?”

“I stopped counting after the third round of shots,” Seamus says. Simon might have fallen asleep for all she knows.  

“And who bought that round?” Nico asks. 

“Luke,” Seamus and Clementine say simultaneously. She hears Simon groan, so he’s not asleep. Nico just chuckles. 

It only takes 30 minutes to get them both safely home and to get back to Nico’s apartment. It’s almost 2 a.m. by the time they get back. Clementine gets comfortable fast, with Nico’s body pressed up against hers. The last conscious thought she has before drifting off to sleep is that she wants to do this with him for the rest of her life. 

The first thing she hears when she wakes up is a bunch of male voices. She squints at her phone. 10:27 a.m. Team meeting started at 10. She yawns and rolls out of bed, washing her face and brushing her teeth before deciding to go fix up a quick breakfast for herself before locking herself in Nico’s room so the team can do whatever they do during team meetings. 

The voices all halt as she nears the living room. Any other situation she would be a bit embarrassed perhaps, but frankly, they all know and should’ve expected this. And they’re in her apartment. Or Nico’s. But it also might as well be ours. 

She offers a lazy salute. “Morning boys.” A chorus of greetings echoes and Clementine chuckles. “Don’t mind me. I’ll be out of your hair in a second.”

“You can stay,” Nico says softly with a smile from where he’s standing behind the couch. She just waves him off, pours out a cup of coffee, quickly fixes herself some hummus toast with feta on top and slips back into his room. 

She sets her food down carefully on the bedside table and eats while scrolling through her email and social media. She even puts her headphones in so she’s not tempted to listen to the guys through the wall.

It’s about a half an hour later when she hears a faint knock on the door. She calls out a “come in” and takes out her Airpods with a smile when Nico peeks his head in.

“Hi Schatz.”

“Hey. What’s up?”

“The boys wanna say hi,” she opens her mouth to protest but he beats to her to it. “We’re pretty much done. Pizza’s coming any minute so we’re just chilling out now.”

Clementine grabs her empty plate and mug, rising up to her toes to press a kiss on his cheek. “Breaking the diet?”

“We just won a tough back to back. We deserve it.”

“Sure you do,” she chuckles as he playfully swats her butt. They walk back out into the living room together and she rolls her eyes as everyone cheers. Nico heads back to the living room as she heads into the kitchen to start another pot of coffee, politely nudging Dawson and Dougie out of her way. 

Nico’s apartment is spacious, but twenty plus hockey players all crowding around make it feel much smaller than normal. Clementine decides to swing herself on top of the counter to chat with Luke and John, mostly content with listening to them talk.

When she hears a chorus of laughter, she turns to the living room to see what’s going on to already see quite a few of the guys looking at her. She raises an eyebrow at Nico, who she swears has a slight blush painting his cheeks. But he doesn’t shy away and beams at her instead. With some boldness, she bounces over to him, squeezing in beside him on the couch. He leans into her touch automatically. She wonders if this is a side of their captain his team hasn’t seen much before. 

That last thought has her hesitant for a second, but as if Nico can sense it, he takes her hand off his shoulder and kisses the back of it before going back to a previous conversation with Jesper. Her hand remains in his. She catches Timo’s close-lipped smile and Nate’s visible delight. Clementine just sends them a wink before leaning into Nico’s side. 

Without missing a beat in laughing at something Jesper says, Nico places a kiss in her hair. 

(Later, as the team is starting to filter out of Nico’s apartment, Jonas pulls him aside. Nico is immediately on high alert when Jonas decidedly switches to their native language. They don’t do that often during the season.

“She’s great. Clementine,” Jonas starts.

Nico’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead. “Yeah? You think so?”

“Yeah,” they both look over to the other side of the living room, where she’s in the midst of a playful debate about something with Jack and Jesper. Though from the way she punches Jack in the arm, maybe it’s not so playful. “I know we met at the end of last season, but I wanted to give it some time. She’s weirdly perfect for you.”

“Spit it out, Jonas,” Nico stares at him. 

Jonas just stares back for a bit before letting out a small chuckle. “I’m really happy for you, truly. You deserve someone like her.”

“Like her?”

“Yeah. Someone smart, beautiful and who will be just as all in as you are.” 

Nico looks down at his feet, heat rising up his neck all of a sudden. “She’s the best, really. Kinda keeps me sane without even trying.”

“That’s all you can ask for from a partner,” Jonas pats his shoulder once before calling out a goodbye to everyone. 

Clementine rushes over to give Jonas a quick goodbye hug. Nico feels himself falling and not wanting anyone to catch him.)

…..

The universe is on their side for the 10 year anniversary of Miguel’s death, with the Canucks scheduled to play in town the day after. Ellen, Jim, Quinn, Jack, Amelie, Luke, Maeve, Clementine and Nico all go out to brunch on New Year’s Day, before heading to the cemetery. 

They’re all bundled up as they lay out a few blankets, lay down their flowers and some of Miguel’s favorite food and snacks. The cemetery is quiet, but it’s quickly filled with everyone’s laughter as they share their favorite memories and reminisce. Quite a few tears are shed and the tissue box is passed around often. 

When they’re about to leave, everyone gets their individual moments by his tombstone to pay their last respects. Clementine and Maeve let the Hughes’s go first, hands intertwined with each other. Then, Clementine and Maeve step up and the young woman swallows, her mom’s head falling on her shoulder. With one last squeeze, Maeve steps back and gently ushers Nico to stand next to his girlfriend despite his gentle protests. 

The second she feels Nico’s arm draping across her back, Clementine lets out a sob as she buries part of her face into his jacket. It’s not a sad sob, but it’s not a happy one. She’s happy he’s here with her. She wishes her dad could meet him and love him as much as she knows he would. 

Once they reach the bottom of the hill, Quinn reaches out to squeeze her hand. She keeps her right hand in his as Nico’s pressed against her left side. She stares ahead at her mother pressed between Ellen and Jim with Jack, Amelie and Luke right behind them in a similar embrace.

The birds are chirping. The sound of the wind is made even more noticeable as it whistles through the leaves. The sun is shining, not a single cloud in the sky.

Clementine feels peace settle into her heart.

[4dbarbie-archive]

4dbarbie remix: You're dreaming from memory

4dkelly notes: This could be a good introductory pointer for those new to non-dualism. Probably my last remix for a while because they always start off as a fun or great idea that ends up taking way too much time and mental energy lol. Also I know it says 4dbarbie remix and it's because I extracted all the text from her posts but almost half of this adaptation post is made with direct or adapted excerpts from the book I Am That by Nisargadatta Maharaj as she often incorporated his words into her posts so it might be more accurate to call it a 4dbarbie and I Am That remix. I've marked extracts that are from the book with an asterisk (*). My highlight colour key: key concepts are in pink, action points in purple, really important points in red, my notes (which are minimal) in blue

There is nothing that exists. Only you do. 1 The only thing you know for sure is: 'here and now, I am'. Remove the 'here and now', the 'I am' remains, indisputable. The world exists in memory, memory comes into consciousness; consciousness exists in awareness and awareness is the reflection of the light on the waters of existence. 2*

The person is a very small thing. Actually it is a composite, it cannot be said to exist by itself. Unperceived, it is just not there. It is but the shadow of the mind, the sum total of memories. Pure being is reflected in the mirror of the mind, as knowing. What is known takes the shape of a person, based on memory and habit. It is but a shadow, or a projection of the knower onto the screen of the mind. 3*

You (Self) are projecting this very moment live. Nothing is happening to you, I mean literally. Nothing is out there. 4 Everything you see and experience is only a mental condition, a dream-like state, easy to dispel by questioning its reality. It's you imagining it as real and fighting it with all your might that keeps it alive. In this dream, you imagine yourself to be a process, to have a past and future, to have history. In fact, we have no history, we are not a process, we do not develop, nor decay. 5*

When you sleep at night, you think the world you're dreaming of is real. You wake up in the morning and you go on living in a different world, which you also think is real. But while you were in the first dream you had no memory of this world, did you? You come into the waking state and forget all about that dream (because you dismiss it as unreal & imagined so you have no reason to care once the experience is over). You're present in a second dream, and you deal with this one because now that's "what is real". But there is no difference between sleeping and waking, awareness is the background of both. You just think the waking state more real because you've dreamt it over and over and reinforced your belief. They're equally imaginary. 6

Each and every moment is projected on your consciousness but in reality, there is no link or cause between them. Memory gives the illusion of continuity and repetitiveness creates the idea of causality (e.g. I have blue eyes because I take after my mom). When things repeatedly happen together, we tend to see a causal link between them. It creates a mental habit, but a habit is not a necessity.* Drop it. You, now, even if recreated completely from memory and appearing the same, are still doing the creating/projecting live. It is all memory carried over into the now. You never move, your mind does. You don't arrive anywhere, you've always been there. You don't become, you already are. 1

Memory seems to being things to the present out of the past, but all that happens does happen in the present only. It is only in the now that phenomena manifest themselves. Thus, time and causality do not apply in reality. You are prior to the world, body and mind. You are the sphere in which they appear and disappear. You are the source of them all, the universal power by which the world with its bewildering diversity becomes manifest. 7*

You recreate the world every day from memory. There is no yesterday but your memory of it. There is no tomorrow but your thought of it. You are moving from now into now, and nothing has reality but in your mind. In deep sleep you are no one, no thing, you are not aware of being anything. You are just aware of being. There is no world, no one, not even 'yourself'. 8 In the absence of the mind, even the sense 'I am' dissolves. There is no 'I am' without the mind. All experience subsides with the mind. Without the mind, there can be no experiencer nor experience. 8*

Consciousness creates the mind which projects the world, built of memory and imagination.* You create a world, then you create an ego in it that is desiring some thing - look at it, you are doing that now. Stop the urge to create and recreate worlds of desires. 1 You don't have to live by memory. You can see the world as it is, a momentary appearance in consciousness. 7*

See all as a dream and stay out of it. While it lasts, the dream has temporary being. It is your own desire to hold on to it that creates the problem. Let go. Stop imagining that the dream is yours. 5*

Realize your true being, all else will follow and take care of itself. You will no longer feel the need to manifest or get things, because you see you are the one imagining the things. You already are, and if you want to observe yourself as 'something', you can. After you rid yourself of your belief that you are the ego, you no longer feel compelled in any direction whatsoever. You do not feel like you need to be the body you imagine you were born with (because you were never it in the first place), or watch Sandra's from afar. You’re free to do or not to do whatever you want; you are dreaming, and you know you are dreaming, there is nothing to fear or fight, because all is yours. The thing to do is to establish that permanently, for all time. Then you can play any part you so desire, and be totally unaffected by it. 3

Free from memory and expectation, you are fresh, innocent and wholehearted. Needing nothing, you are unafraid. Whom to be afraid of? There is no separation, we are not separate selves. There is only one Self, your Self. 1*

Become aware that the waking state is just a dream and life will forever be a breeze. 6 When the world is real, it is heavy. When the Self is real, the world is light. 3#

References

4dbarbie posts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

* Text excerpts from I Am That by Nisargadatta Maharaj

# from Keys to The Ultimate Freedom by Lester Levenson

[cloveroctobers]

FEBRUARY FLUFF — CARMY BERZATTO.

A/N: so carmy won this time around!!! Thanks to all those that voted and ultimately made this decision for me lol. Hope you guys enjoy this and have a safe, healthy, and happy love season 🩷 + yes this is a mixture of fluff and angst...i mean come on! I wouldn't be me if i didn't include that in here somewhere!

PROMPTS ARE FROM HERE + HERE & I’m using: 1. “…Okay, so the only way for us to enjoy that huge discount is to act like we’re dating.” “What, so you’d fake date me for discounted food but you wouldn’t real date me even though I could take you out to the best restaurants out there in town every fucking night if you wanted me to?”  + always giving the other the first bite of their food < or the last.

WARNINGS/SN: I wrote with a black or brown reader in mind although reader isn't physically described + they’re given a name only when mentioned, language is a thing here duh!, this is LENGTHY, lots of timelines: reader + nat became friendly before season 1 during the summer prior to 7 fishes which is estimated to be five years before season 2, reader knows of carmy due to past work, I feel like she can be just a few year(s) older than carmy but younger than nat—there’s a age gap for the Berzatto’s anyways, sexual relations are mentioned, this piece takes place months after the grand opening, & finally there’s a possible chance for a poly relationship or maybe just multiple crushes going on? Take that how you will.

𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡

it was a Sunday.

The kind of Sunday you woke up embarrassed about but knew you had to swallow your pride and just send out that text. You knew you wouldn’t be judged regardless reaching out to Fak because he’s built to deal with things like this and never made you feel like shit about anything.

You usually had to squeeze it out of him to get him to lay out any cons about a situation but appreciated most times when he didn’t. Your minds been going haywire with a recent assignment as a food journalist and it really slipped your mind, although you were usually a quick thinker, you’ve been stressed over this recent restaurant. Thankfully it clicked for you after throwing a tantrum to simply reach out to Fak to come help you out.

The stupid lever in your bathroom decided to stop flushing on you and of course you panicked. Who wouldn’t panic in a situation like that? You no longer had a roommate and strongly debated if you even wanted to search for another; after the shady actions of the previous one, so you really didn’t have to worry about them giving you shit either. (Let’s see if your rent feels the same next month!)

It was just you in the end and perhaps you were learning to be okay with that.

Yet that didn’t stop you from FaceTiming Sydney about it. “Hey Siddy, how’s your day going?”

“Pretty good, yours?” She politely asked as she moved down the hallway of her shared apartment to prop her phone on the pedestal sink, moving around her functioning bathroom to grab some oil to grease her scalp.

Smacking your lips you glare, “it fucking sucks.”

“Oh?” Sydney questioned, appearing back in frame, “what happened? Did someone egg and scratch up your car again after a review you gave them? Noo wait, don’t tell me there’s a bullet hole?!”

That was light work compared to New York (it really wasn’t a competition of which state had its worst moments but your home state left you kinda triggered, not gonna lie!) where you were just starting off and those that were in tune with the culinary world didn’t take your words with a grain of salt. Most nights you still woke up gasping for air, reaching for your throat due to some trauma of a break in from a well-known nepo-baby chef. Don’t get that twisted, your mom didn’t raise no punk but that didn’t mean those events didn’t mess with your mental and you acknowledged that every time you had a nightmare. They only served three years and five months compared to the original five year sentence.

Ah the system…got to love how that works out for the privileged!

You shrugged, “no…the threats have been pretty tame lately so I can give myself a pat on the back for that. However! I still am in a crisis.”

Sydney begins to move her braids around to expose her scalp, “Elaborate for me.”

“My toilet won’t flush!” You whine, laying flat on your messy bed. You tended to not make your bed on Saturdays and didn’t get around to making it today—although it was after 3pm.

Sydney asks, “Like the waste won’t go down…?”

“Exactly!” You confirm throwing your arm over your eyes dramatically, “The lever thing is moving like my old dislocated shoulder.”

Sydney gags, “don’t fucking remind me of that day. That was spooky to witness but I am glad you healed from that.”

“Thanks girl, means a lot, truly.”

Sydney gives a small smile, “don’t mention it…have you considered YouTubing it? That’s what I do when I don’t want to ask anyone for help and figure it out by myself.”

You hummed knowing this was true. In a sense you could be like that too, especially when it came to the working field, since writers can tend to be some nasty bitches and always in rivalry with each other. You made a name for yourself in Chicago as well, coming from New York where you worked just as hard-maybe even harder than the rest to mean and write exactly how you felt about cuisine, regardless if anyone agreed or not. It wasn’t about if people liked you, the relationship with food would always be more significant and hold value in your life, just like the rest of these chef’s you encountered and you got that, people were allowed to be sensitive about their work. You’ve come toe to toe with many chef’s around the world who didn’t like your take on their craft but that didn’t mean you didn’t understand them. They hardly took the time to really dive into your ratings and automatically took it as you shit talking or not having any idea what you were saying since you “weren’t really a chef,” but you knew your worth most days.

Yes you could be straight forward but that didn’t mean you lacked compassion like some chef’s liked to think according to your reviews. You often wrote in a way that was puzzling to some, almost philosophical or riddle like with your own twist. Some just didn’t get it and that was okay but you wouldn’t back down from any confrontation. The second they didn’t want to really listen, that’s when you removed yourself from the escalating problem. It didn’t have to get violent like some wanted to inflict.

“Why didn’t I think of that?!” You exasperated, slapping the palm of your hand to your forehead.

Sydney snorted, “maybe because you’re under a lot of pressure lately and the most simplest of things don’t come as easily as they should.”

“You would think I have high blood pressure with the way these past two weeks have been.”

Sydney says, “give it time.”

“Gee, thanks! That’s exactly the kind of shit I want to hear from you.” You roll your eyes at the blurt of words that commonly escaped the braided girl’s mouth.

Sydney breathes out a laugh, “I’m just joking!”

“Yeah, yeah! Maybe I should text fak back and tell him not to come by!”

“You asked fak instead of the apartment manager?” Sydney is in amazement.

“Fuck that noise, he’s so full of shit that he should see a doctor about it. He’ll show up to analyze the problem, then acts like he’s going to fit you into the schedule and then when you catch him in the lobby he pretends that he has amnesia.” You commented with a scowl.

You get ready to minimize the call to text fak but some obnoxious knocks at the door made you pop up from your bed. “That was fast!”

Hopping up from the bed and padding out of the last bedroom in the apartment, you made the journey through the foyer to the awaiting black front door. Peeking through the peephole you spot Fak grinning widely up into it, almost making you jump back.

“He’s made it Siddy! I’ll call you back!”

“K. Good luck!” Sydney calls out before you end the call to pull the door wide open.

“Neil!” You scream, quickly latching onto his tatted wrist ready to yank him in until you notice someone else is with him, “…why is he here?” You point.

Fak quickly glances over at a brimmed Carmy who raised a brow at him in a silent told you so manner, “I mean we were having a boy’s day when you called and I didn’t want my buddy to be left out. Plus, it’s always great to have some assistance.”

“…i find it hard to believe that Carmen wants to fix my toilet.” You cross your arms, poking out your hip as you stare at him.

Carmen shrugs his shoulders, “I wanted to wait in the car if it makes you feel any better.”

“Hmm…it doesn’t.”

Carmy rolls his eyes, pinching at the bridge of his nose briefly in agitation, “you know what, fak you’ve got this right? I know you do so—

“Nope!” Fak quickly interrupts, “this maybe a two person job so aspie if you just let us do what we came to do—

Shooting an arm out to block the doorway you peer into Fak’s dark teal eyes to show you mean business, “didn’t I say I dislike that nickname, Neil?”

He nods.

“Also i find it offensive that you brought an uninvited guest to my place.”

“Just be glad it wasn’t Richie because that was also a possibility before he ran off to pick up the kid.” Carmy snaps making you roll your eyes.

If Richie was here you been would have slammed the door in both Fak and his face. Sure you had some sort of tension with Carmy and beef with .......his cousin but at least Carmy only gave it back to you when he had the energy to—meaning if he was already on one. The issue was simple, you wrote a not so nice review once before when the eldest berzatto, Michael was alive and running the joint. Richie couldn’t forget that and actually kept the clipping, yes the clipping of the review way back when. He had the receipts to show Carmy and Carmy actually brushed it off then, not seeming to really care or doubt some of the words that were said.

He came to revamp the place because Mikey left it for him, to fix the mess his big brother left behind, to create what they’ve always dreamed of. Sure he got shit for it in the beginning and part of him felt like maybe that was your case too? He could relate to you on that, yet the weight was slightly different on his part and he even spoke with you not long after he found those tomato cans.

That gave him a certain push he couldn’t really explain. He may have done a brief dive on you, wondering why you felt acquainted to him—completely forgetting about seeing you once around Noma—choosing to start with reading previous reviews by you on other restaurants here in Chicago and a few interviews you’ve done over the world. You weren’t just some nobody, you held your titles well and it reflected in your work.

You weren’t clueless.

He just didn’t really know what he was dealing with until a short time ago.

What he didn’t expect was for you to show up again on opening night with a certain head chef, also from New York. That made carmy more anxious than anything, seeing you sitting beside that four eyed fuck ready to set off a tornado in the heart of the bear. Was that your motive all along? With carmy attempting to build a bridge, not for you to kiss his ass with praise but there was a odd need to have a simple conversation with you. It was weird but it seemed like Sydney, Fak, and Nat liked you?

The jury was still out with the rest—except Richie but you were a mystery to Carmy. However carmy wasn’t the best at putting a read on people or their emotions in the first place, he was good at fucking that up unless you’re screaming it into his face. That’s just how he operated.

“You two can come in—only because I don’t have the patience with the manager here and Neil’s the best I’m gonna get.” You state while fak slaps a hand on his chest.

“That was really sweet, Aspen.” Fak cooed ready to pull you into a bone crushing hug but you hold up a finger.

“Save the hugs until after you fix my problem.”

“You got it boss,” Fak salutes before diving under your arm to travel through your apartment, ooo-ing and ah-ing before finding the bathroom around the corner from the living room.

Sighing you drop your arm and wave carmy through, who keeps his view straight while traveling through the hallway. You call out to him, “you can have a seat on the couch.”

“What? Did you drop a load or something and is that the real reason why you don’t want me to help Fak?” Carmy comes right out with it, nose twitching in amusement after whipping around to face you in the center of the living room.

See…only when he’s frustrated or overly focused will he just let it out. Some may look at this as Carmy attempting to make a joke but you took that somewhat personally. The only thing you were thinking after he said this was: What an ego on this one huh?

You stop on your heels and tilt your head to the side, “are you telling me that you think women or fem pronoun users don’t take shits? Do you know what it feels like to have period shits?”

Carmy blinks at you and shouts with his hands out, “I...don't even know what the fuck you're getting at? I wasn't even trying to be sexist to you just then! I asked you a honest question—

“About you being in my business,” you pointed out, “contrary to your beliefs I have a heart and decided to be nice to you and let you stay in my place to keep warm. You’re welcome!”

“Oh bullshit, don’t act like you’re doin’ me any favors.” Carmy scowls, “you don’t even want me here.”

You shrug, “yet you’re here in my apartment, yelling.”

Carmy exhaled while you smirked at him sweetly before turning to lean against the wall that leads to the bathroom.

“Everything okay in there, Neil?”

“Oh yeah!” He says, “I think I figured out the problem. Easy peasy!”

“Great!” You exclaim, pulling your phone out from your sweats to read a very important email.

The weight of stress seemed to lift a good chunk as you quickly responded to a email that you’ve been waiting for. You’ve been invited out (squeezed in) to a taste test at this restaurant for this evening that you’ve been trying to get into for a month before you brought it up to your employer. The deadline was approaching for the end of this week to have a review ready and they just responded to you five days before that deadline! Reading over it twice, the squeal in you slipped through your smile until you read the exceptions.

If you were to go over the amount of food purchased, which you would put on the company card anyways, you can get a discount if you brought a plus one and some reimbursement if the review was satisfactory to the owners—which the last part wasn’t unfamiliar to you.

You usually didn’t bring a plus one to any of the places you did reviews for, you got comfortable doing outings all on your own but this was different. Sure you were somewhat known in the culinary world but that didn’t mean you were a millionaire and this restaurant was apparently upscale. There was a waiting list regardless of your status—even for the celebrities that went there so this was a big deal and they gave you a short notice. Usually Sundays were known for a reset for the week but what better way to start it?

You don’t go forward with reaching out to anybody else that you work with. This was your battle and you were aware that two of your other co-workers also reached out to this restaurant. You just hoped you were the only one they picked and wouldn’t miss out on the great opportunity just because you weren’t sure about your guest.

A few hours before show time and you had to find somebody to attend with you. Your best friend was away in Cabo for a honeymoon, the other (who recently planned on moving to ATL) was dealing with the flu and had their no good ex boyfriend taking care of them, Sydney was suddenly MIA, and you even considered inviting Natalie Berzatto to piss carmy off just a bit.

“Hey, Nat!” You greet into the phone as you walk into the kitchen, witnessing Carmy perk up from the couch.

It’s small talk at first: you asking about how her day is going as a mom to be, if she’s going to be at the bear tomorrow, did she watch the Emmy’s the other night, tell her husband you said hello, and then finally if she had plans for tonight.

“…are you asking me to hang out?”

“We had fun at that club way back when no?”

“Yeah! But that was how long ago?”

You knew it’s been awhile. You were always friendly with Natalie, meeting her first—well second out of the siblings down at the small mart one summer you helped out at that your great-uncle owned. She was huffing about something her boyfriend at the time, Pete forgot to bring her and some groceries she was picking up for her mom. You were cool enough to become Facebook friends, exchange numbers, go out for coffee and go to the club together. This wasn’t unusual to call each other randomly but you knew she commonly got shit from Michael and Richard about her talking and hanging out with you.

The thing about Natalie Berzatto is that she always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. Yes she saw your review yet she kinda laughed about it initially but it was all fuck you’s from the other two loud mouth’s. Of course she was going to listen to her brother but she still had a mind of her own. she didn’t care to listen to Richie go off but she understood how Michael felt, although she was the only other Berzatto that heard you out.

Except you didn’t owe anybody an explanation even if some felt you were more cutthroat in your younger years.

“...Before you and Pete even thought about marriage?”

You were younger than them but you imagined how it would always work out for Nat and Pete, which included growing old together.

“Wow! Yeah that sounds right.”

“So…?”

“Can’t do it.”

“You didn’t even hear all the details!”

“I know, I know and it sounds like it’ll be a real fucking blast but if this kid wasn’t sitting on my sciatic nerve constantly and if my feet weren’t the size of two honeydews…I totally would! But I’ll have to decline this time around—so please don’t hate me!”

“I could never!”

“You know you could always ask carmy-

“Why on earth would I do that?” Your reply was instant.

Natalie sighed over the phone, “aspen…the potential of friendship and love is a beautiful thing.”

You scrunched up your face at the phone before placing it back to your ear.

“Do you want me to hang up on you?”

“I’d call you a rude bitch if you did but then get over it.”

“I can live with that because I know it’s real love between you and I.”

“…whatever that means.”

“Right.”

You both laugh, knowing just how weird the subject of love can be. Although you didn’t talk all the time it was always okay for one of the other to drop a venting text or call each other’s way and know the other would get around to responding. The both of you may not be the best of friends but you did consider each other friends regardless. There were conversations between the both of you that no one knew about and would be a constant reminder of what kind of friends the both of you would remain.

Natalie wished things could have been resolved between you and Michael but she reassured that the dislike wasn’t as deep as it seemed. There was no secret that you felt awful about how his life ended and being there for nat during that time also meant a lot. She told you that one of the last conversations she had with Michael was about you and it felt as if he was learning to let go of your review, slowly taking in Nat’s words of you not having a cruel bone in your body especially with all that you’ve done for her.

Anybody that showed his sister true friendship couldn’t be complete garbage. As much as he tolerated Pete, Michael was always aware that he was good enough for his sister. They were all cut from different cloths and the Berzatto’s were just from the same but opposite corner’s.

Natalie telling you this was not to erase any worries you had since that is always brought to the surface when someone you’ve been face to face with before decides to end it all. It was to show you that nobody ever truly knows what anyone is thinking whether there is love there or not.

You can feel Natalie smiling through the phone, “Think about it…all that tension could be smoothed out if you extend the olive branch…now it’s your turn.”

“It’s not my fault he switched up on me after your opening night.” You didn’t lower your voice or make it louder but you were definitely staring at carmy now who was side eyeing you, looking like phineas from phineas and ferb.

“That’s something you need to talk to him about, don’t you think?” Her tone was always so gentle that it made you sick sometimes because she could be right.

“I’m not here to do think pieces.”

“…aren’t you a writer?”

“Have a good night, nat.”

“Ta-Ta!” Natalie sing-songs, “be sure to send me the deets later because carmy never tells me anything! Bye! Chat later!”

Hanging up the phone, you slide it onto the counter and tap your nails against the island. To the right of you, you pick up on some clinking in the bathroom—which sounds somewhat normal and zone in on carmy who’s also holding onto his phone but staring at the blank tv in thought.

“Hey, Carmen.” You call his name.

His bright blues turn to you as if he hasn’t been eavesdropping on your conversation here and there between his texts with Marcus.

“You. Me. The Saffron Simmer. 7pm.”

The air is frigid as the both of you hunch your shoulders shoving through Chicago’s winter. Shockingly the streets are filled with cars tonight so you had to park on the next street over before walking up and around to The Saffron Simmer. Carmy offered to drive, which was a debate—no shock there—since there was no way he was leaving the bear stock van behind for no license having fak to play around in.

Fak definitely found that offensive and said he didn’t mind hanging out at your place, being done with your toilet but with the look you sent him he said he’s find an Uber or fak2 can pick him up. It’s not like you didn’t trust fak in your place…it’s just that the possibilities of what he can get into are endless.

You also didn’t want to ride in the bear’s van not because of shallow reasons, you just wanted to annoy carmy just a bit more for fun. Walking mostly everywhere was the way to go growing up in New York and Carmy working there so doing so here in Chicago wasnt foreign either. However with the type of cold here in this city is enough to give the bravest of hearts hypothermia. So obviously driving was the best option, it’s just the petty back and forth between you two of who will drive had to be spewed.

Eventually you gave in and sat in the passenger side of the van, being on DJ duty for the twenty-five minute drive—something carmy didn’t care to argue over. The both of you made it on time, throwing the door back for carmy to catch then bouncing on your toes while he blew into his gloveless hands waiting on the greeter to find your reservation.

The pictures didn’t do The saffron simmer any justice. There was so much to look at with its modernized speakeasy décor and the high ceilings did a superb job of making the both of you feel small in the spacious space. Thankfully the dress code was business casual so you didn’t have to go all out but you still put in the effort of looking your best in simple attire. You’re shrugging out of your scarf, earmuffs, and puffer coat while Carmy is already seated; with only the removal of his cap across from you in a chair.

He’s watching you as you place everything neatly to the right of you before you're taking a seat in the leather oversized chair, then digging through your tote to pull out your notepad, Sony camera, phone, and bolt pen. You quickly scribble something on the first line and circle it before dropping your pen.

Rolling the sleeves of your long sleeves back underneath your blazer, you roll your shoulders with a close of your eyes before opening them with a look of determination.

“Wow, that was something.” Carmy tells you, making you set your eyes back on him, forgetting just that quick that he was your plus one.

Clasping your hands together you quirk up a brow, “What?”

“Watching you prep.”

You dip your head, “should have seen me before I got dressed…much worse.”

A smirk appears on the corner of Carmy’s lips, “oh yeah?”

“Well yes, I can contain myself in public, Carmen. Your home is supposed to be your safe space so that’s the best place to go a little crazy sometimes.” You inform, yet still not giving too much away.

“Why are you in your head about this place anyway?” Carmy peers around the slightly filled dining area before meeting your eyes once more.

You lift your shoulders, “have you seen the way they market this place? Giving not too much away although it’s top ten restaurants here and I can either contribute to its success or its downfall. They picked me for a reason so my review matters at the end of this year.”

“But you uh-get a thrill out of this shit don’t you? It’s what you signed up for, right?” Carmy is actually relaxed against the chair across from you.

Which is a sight to see.

You state, “it’s part of the job, if that’s what you mean.”

Carmy blinks and seems to get it, “and so you stay.”

“So I stay.” You echo while holding his stare, which is broken by a piece of the stone table lifting and showcasing the menu illuminated by sepia lighting in the dark of the restaurant.

Carmy’s bright eyes are wide as he stares at the menu that appears right in front of your faces. There’s a grin on your face as you rest your fingertips around its rough edges, almost as if you were expecting this while carmy blows out a breath.

“The hell is this place?”

You peek over at him, “some next level shit, berzatto.”

“Yeah…I think I’m starting to catch on.”

You turn your attention back to the menu, swiping your fingertips along the touch screen although you’ve heard things about the menu, which they kept offline since apparently it renews monthly.

“What looks good?”

“Uh…these pages aren’t even labeled." Carmy exhales through his nose, eyes searching all over the tablet, "I have no clue. You?”

The words come at ease for you, "One of almost everything maybe?”

“Sounds good...I guess?”

“On me by the way,” you state with a wink as you flash your company card.

“I’ll get the tip then.” Carmy pats his jeans, the left containing his carton of cigarettes, the right holding his keys, lifting his hips he checks for his wallet although he’s been sitting on his behind for about ten minutes now.

You don’t argue with that, eyes in awe at the selection of items as you start ordering, “don’t forget to order your drink.”

“Water should be fine,” Carmy mutters to himself, eyes scanning over the first strange title of water that is described as flower and ginger infused purified water and decides to go with that.

You finally express after rapidly letting your fingers go over the screen and taking a picture with your phone, “…Okay, so the only way for us to enjoy that huge discount is to act like we’re dating.”

It sounded so easy to you as you quickly shifted to pick up your pen and start writing notes.

“What was that?” Carmy pressed his elbows into the edge of the table, making sure he heard you right since he’s not even sure if he can trust his inner thoughts lately.

You’re still scribbling but also turning your face towards the messy haired chef, “you heard me. We have to act like we’re in a relationship because I’ve definitely went over the budget on the card.”

“That’s not really my problem?”

“Yes it is,” you demand, “you agreed to be my plus one so that’s that. Plus this menu further confirmed my suspicions from the email.”

Carmy scratches at his brow confused, “what are you talking about, aspen?”

“Here,” you swipe across your screen towards Carmy’s device, which brings up another screen instantly to carmy who’s in awe but scans over the details.

You didn’t share the email with him but he’s heard about how high tech this restaurant is but didn’t have the time to do his own research.

*Significant others in attendance are subject to applicable discounts.*

Carmy feels his stomach cramp at the fine print and it so small that he was sure anyone could have missed that.

Not you.

“…how exactly are we supposed to prove that, hm?” He's gripping at his greasy hair now, feeling himself getting a bit worked up about this.

You fanned your hand along, “just do what couples do and follow my lead...Depending on our witnesses,” you whisper as you look around, “they could always assume that’s what we are anyways.”

Part of carmy didn’t like how that came off.

“What, so you’d fake date me for discounted food but you wouldn’t real date me even though I could take you out to the best restaurants out there in town every fucking night if you wanted me to?” Flies out of Carmy’s mouth before he can even process what he’s saying.

That stoops you too, making you press your back against the chair in thought. That wouldn’t be going down in the notes, as you stare at the pen in between your fingers for a moment. Which brings you back to Carmy’s tatted fingers first that touched you in ways that romance novelist craved to write about.

So you may have left that out, how a shared conversation about the “heartless” review of then Chicagoland turned the bear melted into hot and heavy actions in the front seat of your Mazda. It hits you in those same flashes you take of dishes: the unsure sloppy kisses, you taking the lead to get Carmy to just touch you, shaky hands that trace the tattoo from your rib cage down to your hip before soon holding steady and angled just right beneath your red tapered trousers.

“Where did that come from?” You question just as a server greets you, delivering drinks and announcing the small plates should be out in the next five minutes with a timer appearing on both of the stone tablets.

Carmy says, “you—you didn’t just think I forget right?”

“Well I was hoping.” You were honest, “neither of us are ready for relationships—especially hearing about you and Claire.”

Carmy felt his eye twitch, “and how do you know about that?”

Sydney.

You wouldn’t throw her under the bus like that although you could tell carmy already knew.

“I have my resources but don’t think I’ve been asking around about you or anything like that.” You sipped at the raspberry mint cocktail, it could be stronger.

His thumbs are shaking first on the table top but his icy stare made your chest pulsate in a way you didn't particularly like, “…would that be so bad?”

You and carmy didn’t exactly know each other well enough besides a conversation once had and with his hand down your pants! and you trying to get him to crash, clothes still on right in the center of his lap—It was a spur of the moment hookup and you could tell it was not something that happened often for carmy. He never had time for it or bothered to get attached but there was something about you that had him thinking otherwise. What was supposed to be a one time thing that you swept to the back of your mind was being brought up again.

The annoyance overtook what that feeling brought in the front seat of your ride. You weren’t ignoring carmy after that but the both of you had a lot on your plate with him renovating a restaurant and you diving back into your own work. Both fields of work seemed to matter more and not once did you think he ever thought about you in that way.

Communication was important people!

And here you thought he wanted nothing to do with you, especially with you showing up to the grand opening of The Bear. Now here you were months later, basically at your benefit, face to face hearing only pieces of what Carmen Berzatto was thinking.

“Hey, guys!” A familiar voice gathers your attention and you both turn to see Sydney smiling at you two.

Carmy widens his eyes, “Syd, what’re you doing here?”

Sydney snorted, “doing the same thing you’re doing? Having dinner.”

“Right.” He lightly shakes his head.

“Oh my god…am I interrupting this um? Date?” Sydney quickly connected the dots eyeing the both of you back and forth while you’re choking on your drink, “you okay?”

She pats your back for you while you gasp and Carmy slides over his water your way although you have your own glass near by. Gaining some air, you swallow some water and breathe through your nose. Normally you would have a response for Sydney’s joke but given what carmy just said to you had your mind running along with some burning tears you wiped away.

“So this is where you’ve been instead of answering me back?” You decide to switch the subject-you were great at that-wheezing a bit while Carmy scoffs and looks away.

Sydney frowns, “huh? When did you call me besides the FaceTime call…” she starts and pulls out her phone, “oh shit sorry. I placed it on do not disturb like thirty minutes after you didn’t call me back. I got wrapped into some entail about the menu from one of the chef’s that works here and is also a friend.”

Carmy speaks, “Didn’t know you had a connect with anybody here, Syd.”

“Can’t reveal all my moves, Carm.” She winks and lightly elbows him while Carmy sends her a small smile and a shake of his head.

Carmy asks, “scooping out our competition?”

“Only a little," She pinches her fingers before continuing, "and my dad thought it would be a place I wanted to try.” Sydney admits, “and if you two weren’t on a date I’d say let’s make this a group thing! so I’ll be going! I see my dad coming back from the bathroom…he’s got like a bladder problem and I don’t know why I’m sharing that with you two. But bye! Enjoy and just know I’ll be keeping my eye on you two.”

“Fuck,” carmy exhaled feeling his nerves rising, “don’t do that.”

Sydney chuckles to herself and sends a wave to you two before walking back to her table by the window.

“Siddy kicked me to the curb for her dad,” you sigh resting your cheek into your knuckles for a moment, “can’t be mad at that.”

“But you can be mad at me for what exactly?”

“You wanna do this with me right now?”

“Yeah, I think I do.”

“I thought we could move past what happened—

“You can say it you know? Me with my fingers inside—

“Excuse me!” You hiss, “I don’t need you to repeat action by action thank you. I was there too. We both know what happened, we’d agreed we can coexist around this big ass city. I show up to support—

“Did you though?” Carmy pressed, “support me? Or am I waiting for something else to be thrown at me with your upcoming review?”

“What?!” You bite, “is that what your stank ass attitude is about?”

Carmy tightened his jaw just as the first serving was handed over. You let him sulk in that for some time as you study the plating of the four appetizers, making note of each before taking more pictures with your sony.

“I wasn’t there to write a review.” You reply.

“I saw you—

“Let me finish. I understand pressure so I get it but you have to learn to channel your anger and this grief, elsewhere and deal with it better without projecting it onto any and everybody. I’ll tell you that right now that won’t get you anywhere and especially with me, Carmen.” You affirm.

You’ve been in Carmy’s position before so you can speak with experience. He seemed to always be waiting for the worse to continue filling up his plate but it takes time to accept the good in life. He was giving you something but you weren’t sure it was the best option for the both of you and you weren’t afraid to say that.

“Alright…I didn’t come here to talk about feelings either you know? That’s what those meetings are for.” Carmy spills just a tad.

You stare at the vibrant but delicate plating but his tone and the soft upbeat tempo above your heads don’t go unnoticed. “What did you come here for then?”

Carmy blinks and snatches up a spoon, almost weighing it in his hands before he dives the utensil into the dish. He stares as the stretch of cheese, twisting the spoon to break it apart before holding the Macaroni and Brie with Crab out for you to take the first bite.

He doesn’t answer for awhile and so you do the honors of taking a bite and savoring it's texture and taste.

“…that’s not my favorite.” You announce and notice that Carmy waited for your view.

He raises his brows, “tell me about it?”

“They need different plating.” You deeply sigh, “I know that type of plating works best for a dessert and that’s not it. There’s more breadcrumbs than meat, which seems to not be fully removed from its shell so be careful with that. It’s also lacking flavor even with the brie, which is my least favorite kind of cheese in Mac, although many swear by it.”

Carmy flicks his attention to your disappointment to you scribbling into your notepad with a shake of your head. If he was making you a dish, he’d try his hardest to make sure it was everything you ever wanted.

He quickly has his share and thinks to himself.

Carmy can agree, this was lacking flavor and the breadcrumbs didn’t even have a crunch to them. You can’t just depend on the cheese to give you flavor in Mac and cheese.

“What’s your favorite dish? I—I don’t think I ever asked you that. We just went straight into talking about the beef.”

And doing dirty things in the front seat but who needs to relive that?!

You look up from your notes and lift your chin, “you’re looking at it. It’s childish I know...but that’s exactly what it reminds me of: my childhood. Mac and cheese! then as I got into my adulthood…crab kinda took over. Which is funny because I hated on it for so long growing up. My papa—my grandad, he helped my mom raise me, he's from Ocean City so you can only imagine the amount of seafood on our table.”

You’re smiling to yourself and Carmy can’t help but to feel his small laughter lines appear by his lips as you’re locked into some memory only you can remember vividly. This was the most Carmy was learning about you, sure it may not look like much but he didn’t feel the need to dissociate even if at times he really couldn’t help it.

You were the question mark that he wanted to figure out and get all the answers to. Maybe it was his gut and he shouldn’t have blabbed to sugar about you because now Carmy was thinking this was Michael’s doing.

If you believe in that shit.

So the both of you take your time trying the small dishes before getting the main courses. It seems the longer you sit across from each other—the tension was definitely still there especially with Sydney’s eyes burning into the two of you across the room and attempting to not get caught—although she had once or twice but gradually it lifted as you and carmy shared this time together.

He watched you work while you asked for his input before you told your own. He also provided a few things he would do to tweak it if he agreed with what you didn’t enjoy. Which was eye-opening for you, yes you went to school for journalism and sat in on some cooking classes once that also tied into your passion for learning. After completing your first degree you decided culinary may take you to different heights and enrolled into culinary school. You didn’t find the need to continue going through with being a chef after Copenhagen, finding writing to be your stronger suit but you still understood food and the relationship with it when it came to chef’s.

So you took carmy’s input into consideration.

With the last serving being a Asian dessert called, “Jjan Hae,” which consisted of: coconut rice pudding served with fresh citrus (orange, grapefruit, kumquat) and coffee ice cream, topped with crispy pop rice & a shot of Korean rice wine, it was a strange concept but the both of you came to terms with the dessert working well.

Carmy even took a video to show Marcus tomorrow at the bear and sent a photo to an old colleague, Luca, that you were also familiar with considering Noma was a thing that you didn’t bother speaking much on…but it was your turn to give carmy the last serving.

He hesitated since he had his own bowl, which he finished way before you did but it was clear you wanted him to have the last bite so he also took it while saying something with his eyes.

Breaking the stare, the both of you felt your phone buzz with a text. Carmy didn’t jump to answer it right away…he was the worst texter according to Nat and Sydney but you can answer for the both of you as it was a group text from Sydney who was long gone with her dad.

Siddy + (773) XXX-XXXX: Carmy, invite aspen to breakfast in the morning?? See you guys then! 👍🏾😉

“You guys do breakfast at the bear now?” You say lifting your eyes from your screen.

You heard Sydney made a mean omelette but you haven’t been back since earlier this year and you weren’t in the mood for that that night.

Carmy frowns and closes his eyes with a shake of his head, “uh yeah it’s a new thing that Syd came up with but we agreed to do that with everyone once a month…later this month. Why?”

“She wants me to have breakfast with you guys…knowing I’m not a morning person.”

“It’s not happening tomorrow anyway, so what is she talking about?” Carmy digs into his jacket, where he carelessly shoved his phone into after sending the photo off to Luca.

Another text rings out: at carmy’s place. just us three???

Not Sydney making plans and then placing it all at Carmy’s apartment.

He’s taking a breath, almost as a silent reminder for him to do so before his thumbs move over his screen: i don’t even eat breakfast, Syd.

Syd: well youre gonna.

~ Syd has notifications silenced 🌙 ~

“Well, looks like your work wife told your ass.” You laugh, which you translated into her message but didn’t comment further than that.

Carmy harshly exhales through his nostrils in disbelief, “my work wife huh?”

He didn’t hate how that sounded but he also never thought about marriage or relationships in awhile.

“Yeah…the proof is in the pudding, no matter what anyone says.”

Carmy pinched at his bottom lip as he attempts to dryly joke, “I thought it was rice? and what about outside work…”

“That’s something you have to figure out yourself.” You shrug, getting ready to pack up your notes and cameras.

You turn your attention to the table, which knows just when to lift as you tap on the screen to signal that you’re ready to pay while holding out your company card, “are you paying cash for the tip or card?”

“Uh, cash.” Carmy answers, “…what if I’m starting to think about what come’s next?”

“With Syd?” You question, your now sage and mint scented hands flying over the screen as you select the correct paying method before tapping your company card against the screen.

Carmy starts bouncing his leg underneath the table, “with everything.”

“Well…when you’re ready you’ll make moves to make it happen won’t you?”

Carmy dips his head, “you bet.”

And here comes the intense eye contact that you can’t help but to huff out some laughter.

“What’s funny?”

“It’s just people with light eyes always do this thing where they’re just staring into your soul you know? Like damn, relax!”

Carmy’s confused as he holds his wallet open, “uh sorry for having eyes?”

“Shut up, glacier eyes.” You tell while Carmy just snorts at you.

The both of you don’t waste any time rushing back to his car as the clock is approaching 10pm. The wind’s definitely picked up and the temperature dropped, making it easier not to get caught up in the night time city lights which you often liked to do. Back in the van, carmy doesn’t wait to crank up the heat and you don’t bother to mess with the radio this time.

“So?” Carmy asks as he waits for the car to warm up some.

You keep your attention outside the window shield, “yes?”

“What’s the rating?”

“What makes you think I’m going to tell you that, Carmen?” You continue holding yourself.

He sniffs, “I mean—I was sitting across from you the entire night while you told me some of your thoughts.”

“So you thought you should also get the final score? I don’t even know what I’m going to say yet.”

“Ah, I think you’ve got some idea.” Carmy lolls his head over to peek at you.

Laughter bubbles past your lips, “I do. I’ve absolutely had better because—what the fuck was that?”

Carmen feels a crooked smirk appear on his own face, “I don’t want to completely bash other chef’s work but fuck, I thought it was just me? You said it got a 4.3 out of 5? The ambience and service was spot on but…the flavor for most of the dishes?”

“I knew you knew something about seasoning,” you continued laughing while carmy rolled his eyes, “should spend less on the tech and interior and more on some fresh herbs.”

“Isn’t it called simmer saffron?”

That made you laugh even harder as you gripped your stomach, “You’ve got that so backwards!”

And carmy couldn’t help but to scan your features as you laughed and he felt his chest getting somewhat lighter? Just listening to the sound of you and being beside you. What kind of feeling was this? He’s felt it before looking at someone else but that feeling was more of a tug with that light while this one slowly poured in from the black.

“Don’t be too hard on ‘em though? There’s always room for improvement.”

“Sure, but we both know the bear is better and you guys don’t have a waist list months in advance.”

“We also don’t have any celebrities showing up either.”

“Yet.”

Carmy taps his fingers against the steering wheel, appreciating that, “right, yet…I’m sorry about March. I was too in my head about so much shit and you’re right, I took it out on everyone and I’m still trying to make up for it.”

“Effort doesn’t ever go unnoticed if people look and feel it hard enough.”

Carmy chews on his lips at that, “if you believe that…then why do you feel what I said about dating—uh us—about us dating is out of the blue?”

“I said that?”

“Your eyes did. It’s the most expressive thing about you which is funny to me when you talk so much shit about mine when you hide the rest of it away on your face. It’s fucking confusing but I think I gathered that from our dinner tonight.”

Carmy was just as detail oriented as you. It was in his language with food and maybe even in his tattoos that you tried to understand starting with his fingers first. The way he spoke about what he would do with the dishes that were lackluster, except for the dessert—that was pretty good. Carmy wasn’t much of a talker because he wasn’t sure how to express himself, always been that way since you knew of him at Noma…but he told just enough in his dishes and you told just enough between the lines you wrote.

Someone just had to look hard enough.

“…I ever tell you I was engaged? Of course I didn’t, we’re still…I don’t know what the hell we’re doing here Carmen but I’m starting to sense that we could be special if we both want this badly.”

“What do you want?”

“Does anyone ever really know?” You laughed, “ I guess someone to look past the circumstanial and I had that once but then he died. So that was the end of that.”

“You swore off love.”

“Love is many things but maybe I closed off the long lasting part.”

Carmy could relate to that as least with family. He never had much interest in romance even growing up because he lacked that confidence in anything being permanent besides the chaos he’s used to, then he found some of it once he proved what he fucking set out to do yet cooking was all Carmen really opened himself up to. While Luca and others encouraged him to have a night out in the town, he always left early or if there was one person that caught his interest, they get to talking and both get bored of each other since Carmy hardly made the move to take them back to his. Before Noma?

Maybe.

Back in Paris there was one that could have been permanent but Carmy had to break her heart since Noma was calling. Culinary was his true love and he honestly couldn’t tell you what she even looked like now if you asked him. Things that should have mattered tended to get buried in the blue of his mind unfortunately.

He didn’t have the time to be attached and you didn’t want to have your heart ripped out again.

“How’d—

“He was a firefighter.” Was all you said and just those words alone told carmy it was anything but peaceful.

It took a lot for carmy to scream at himself how Michael went out and he imagined it might have been the same for you. So he wouldn’t dare ask for further morbid details because what did that help?

So maybe you weren’t wrong about the both of you not being ready to take that step on going on dates but change was everlasting.

“Uh—what about breakfast then after that not so great meal?” Carmy asks as he pulls off from the curb now.

You think about it. Really think about it that carmy starts to assume you may have dozed off.

“Depends on the time honestly? And who am I to turn down a free meal?” You beamed at Carmy who lifts his shoulders with a chuckle.

Carmy explains, “Syd and I usually start our days early, sometimes even earlier for me if I don’t get enough hours in. but thanks to the reno those on the early shift can get prep ready and I heard…you’re not a morning person?”

You’re just as sarcastic but there’s no lies, “I don’t even know my name or birthdate when I first wake up…what do you think?”

Carmy snickered at that, “okay? So how does 10am sound?”

“That’s pushing it but…I think I can be there so that’ll give me the rest of the day to work from home.”

Carmy nods, “can’t wait to read it. Shake on it?”

“On what? My review or showing up?”

“Both.”

“I’m not sending you a sneak peek, maybe syd or even nat but not you.”

“Ouch.” Carmy mocks, still waiting for your hand to touch his.

And when you do there’s a spark, that makes you yank your hand back and you feel like you’re in one of those cheesy teen movies.

You’re aware carmy’s felt that too but he just clears his throat and placed his hand back on the steering wheel. Leaving you to lightly massage the palm of your hand, now glancing at the profile of carmy’s face.

Life takes time to live but once you start to just let it be, the green starts to stand out more and can be equally as joyous…once you get through the rain and mud that is.

And once the ice blue sets back on you, the both of you can’t exactly see the future but there’s always warmth waiting for the cold to give them a try.

𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡

February fluff anthology series continues here.

[aohisworld]

MAGNETIC PULSE! 03

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Sunoo and Aohi are placed into bed rest after their incident at their comeback stage, and Aohi takes this time to try and mend things between Jungwon and Ri-ki, also gaining a new person by her side.

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ eventual poly!ot7 x added member!oc. (sunoo centric). contains. angst, a little arguing, uhm cringe writing lol.

| : ̗̀➛ MINTIE’s NOTES: sorry for a bit of a delay!! I’m trying my best to write as fast as I could for you guys, and with the different plots I write a lot of things 😭— anyways enjoy this fic until I can bring more for you guys to read 🫶

| : ̗̀➛ WARNING! How I write ENHYPEN is not meant to portray the idols irl, this is my au and I write this for fun. contains angst and a little bit of bickering/awkward tension.

key: Japanese - Korean.

✧. ┊ "...hi! Aohi!" Xiulin shook the girl's arm, effectively bringing Aohi from the confines of her mind.

"I'm losing you here, c'mon!" Xiulin spoke, worried for Aohi. The girl looked up dazed, trying to wrap her head around reality. "I'm sorry, I was thinking..-"

"Find yourself, batsy." Xiulin held the girl's cheek, her eyebrows furrowed. "The manager texted me, she wants to see you."

Aohi looks at Xiulin, trying to figure out if her unnie was trying to mess with her. "So.."

"So, what? We have to get you there, like, now!" Xiulin spoke, Aohi wasn't really sure what she was doing prior. Aohi just agreed, feeling the car start to move, leaving their separate photoshoot to arrive at the HYBE building as fast as possible.

"Are we actually serious?" Aohi asked after a while, pushing herself into her seat, as if wanting to disappear within the leather seat.

"I wouldn't joke about this, batsy, especially this early into our career." Xiulin glanced at the younger girl, feeling for her hand, to comfort her somewhat.

"I don't want to go, unnie, what if it's something bad?" Aohi mumbled to the older girl beside her. "It won't be bad, it'll be okay. "

Aohi could only hope it was.

BE:LIFT meeting room, 9:40 pm. —

✧. ┊ There was a growing pit in Aohi's stomach the closer she got to the meeting room, in all honesty, all Aohi wanted was to go home, she's had a long day of shoots and she was in desperate need for a nap.

Aohi walks into the meeting room, and she makes eye contact with Sunoo. Aohi seems to click in her head what the meeting was about, and it took everything in her body not to groan about it.

She politely bowed to Sunoo, before taking the vacant chair next to him. Aohi knew the chair was specifically for her, for one, it was the only chair vacant, second, she notices their manager practically pointing at her to sit.

"Go on, sit."

Aohi hesitantly nods, and she's slightly intimidated by the way their manager said that, she places her small bag onto the table, awkwardly smiling at Sunoo.

"Let's see here..." Aohi and Sunoo watch as the manager looked through their folder, glancing at the papers inside for a few moments before slamming it closed, the loud sound startling the two, obviously tensed members.

"What is your guys' problem?" The manager suddenly asked, staring at the two, expecting an answer, and Aohi was startled by the manager's sudden aggressive question.

Aohi felt like a scolded puppy, her tail between her legs as Sunoo tries to form words to reply to their manager.

"What.. could you possibly mean?" Sunoo asked with hesitance, he wondered what their manager could mean, and you could say he was playing dumb, because Aohi had a hunch that he knew as clear as she did what the manager was implying.

"Five months, we gave you exactly five, to fix whatever discourse you and the girls had," The manager motions with their hands towards Sunoo and Aohi.

"We thought, you'd all be mature enough to move forward from being awkward groupmates to an actual co-ed group," Aohi could feel herself hold onto her hands, applying pressure to her palms, as if it'll help alleviate the anxiousness in her heart.

"First off, all we had to do the last few days was not mess up the promotion for Manifesto, it was all I asked, remember?" Their manager asks, and Aohi and Sunoo make the reflex of nodding their heads, deciding to agree rather than argue.

"Then explain the performance yesterday night." Aohi's mouth feels glued shut, not wanting to speak about it in fear of what she'll say. "It was nothing but a mistake!-" The manager silences Sunoo, putting their hand up, and Sunoo can't help but shut up.

"Aohi, did you really have to trip over Sunoo?" Aohi is suddenly put in the spotlight, and she processes what has been asked of her, and she's perplexed.

Sure, she disliked most of her male members, but she wouldn't ruin their image like that, Aohi genuinely made a mistake!

"I didn't mean to do that, really!" Aohi set her ground, denying their manager's accusation. She's somewhat offended that their manager would even think that Aohi was the type of person to sabotage her own group out of pettiness.

"I don't think she meant it either, she was genuinely sorry to me." Sunoo's eyebrows are furrowed, listening to the conversation with a confused expression.

Maybe his hyungs didn't like her, Aohi might've also intimidated him, and he doesn't know Aohi well, but he can sense the girl wasn't the type to ruin any of their hard work.

And Sunoo knew better than to stand by and let Aohi be accused of sabotage.

"Aohi, I understand that the whole situation is not ideal but-" — "I really didn't do it!" Aohi pleads, and her hands almost clasp together to beg their manager to believe her.

"And how do you intend to prove that to the fans?"

Aohi tries to make up an excuse, but the manager's words hit her like a truck. Aohi didn't think of that night, a trait of ignoring things until they got better or worse.

Her throat dries at the idea of fans already disliking her when she hasn't even debuted for a month!

"The fans are already ripping into you, Aohi, your first co-ed album hasn't been out for three weeks and we can't help it if fans start to protest for the co-ed project shut down.."

"Engenes will understand, don't make her feel any worse! Don't blame her for making a rookie mistake." Sunoo felt frustration boil in his veins.

Their manager looks at Sunoo, and they take note of the subconscious hand in front of Aohi, as if protecting her. The manager decides to make a choice for Aohi and Sunoo.

The manager stays silent for a little bit, and Aohi glances at them, seeing them sigh into their fist as they started to grab their stuff. Aohi feels her heartbeat increase the more they moved around her.

"If you're right, and Aohi really didn't mean to make that mistake, we will try to do damage control." The manager spoke their thoughts after a while. "Aohi, apologize to Sunoo for injuring him and do better in your performances.."

Aohi bows to the manager, thanking them for their understanding, "Yes, I'm sorry, really!-" — "And.. Be more conscious of what you do, if you ruin your reputation, we're willing to cut you off to save our own."

Sunoo looks towards Aohi, and he's in distaste the way Aohi lets their manager blame her, when accidents happen all the time.

"I wasted my time, don't do anything stupid again girl, you understand?"

Aohi nods at these words despite it leaving a bitter taste in her mouth, she spoke soft apologies to the manager, "yes, I understand, I'll do better."

The manager leaves the room, and Aohi feels like she could breathe again, but this also gives Sunoo an opportunity to turn to her, and his lips open.

"Yah! Why'd you let them to talk to you like that?" Sunoo demanded to know why, wondering why Aohi was prone to letting anyone tell her she's in the wrong.

"You knew yourself it wasn't intentional, but you apologized like it was! How could you give up on your ground so quickly!" Sunoo scolded, and Aohi sighs, sitting back down and letting the older boy yell at her.

She could feel her heart beating against her chest like crazy, it felt like any faster, it would go up her throat.

Sunoo goes quiet as Aohi just allows him to scold her like his mother does, and he notices her silent sigh, Sunoo feels perplexed that Aohi could just allow anyone to scold her any way they saw fit.

"Are you okay?"

Aohi glances up at Sunoo, and she wonders if there was anyone else in the room asking the question. Aohi looks down at her hands before shrugging.

"Do you just let your management scold you like this, is this why you agreed to the project?" Sunoo asked, and he feared the worse for the girl, knowing she was a teenager like him, it would hurt his heart, already ready to empathize.

"What?- No, I just... I'm tired, hyung." Aohi spoke. "And it's nothing like that back there, they treated me the best they could, so don't say that."

"So was that your first time being scolded by management then?" Sunoo mustered, swaying side from side with his chair.

Aohi stared at Sunoo, and she wonders why he wants to converse with her anyway. "More like I couldn't stay long enough to be scolded."

Sunoo feels the awkward tension creep up on the both of them, so he slightly smiles, "You know, Heeseung-hyung broke one of the tablets we used in an interview," Sunoo looked around the room, before motioning to it with his hand.

"And we were scolded in this same room, it was his first time being berated as well, and he cried like a baby."

Aohi snorted at this, ENHYPEN's eldest weeping after an accident was totally out of her expectations for him.

"Just because he accidentally broke a tablet?"

"Eung, he was all like, 'I'm going to get kicked out, boohoo...'" Sunoo made wiping actions with his fists up at his eyes, making Aohi laugh a little.

"We had to join him in the meeting room because he couldn't even step inside."

Aohi giggles at this, and Sunoo's mood seems to ease up at the gentle sound. The two giggled at the story Sunoo told for a little while, before it dies down, and Aohi is left with a soft smile on her face, rather than one of worry.

"Why did you tell me that? Now I can't get it out of my head.." Aohi leans back on her chair, turning to face the fox-faced boy.

"At least you don't have to think about tonight.. you laughed." She was a little surprised, had Sunoo told her that story to distract her from her thoughts?

"How did you know? Y'know, that I'll start thinking?" Aohi inquires, slightly impressed, she watches as Sunoo giggles at her question.

"I'm an F type." Sunoo winks, bringing another laugh to Aohi's face, and an expression that obviously said corny. "That's such a lame joke!"

"It made you laugh though." Sunoo replied smugly. Aohi shook her head, before her smile disappears into a thin line, and she can't help but glance at Sunoo.

"Are you okay? About yesterday night, I still feel awful." Aohi rubs the back of her nape in embarrassment.

"Nothing I can't handle." Sunoo dismisses, shooing with his hand. "You're so nice to me, I honestly thought you didn't like me.." Sunoo tilts his head at this, "Maybe the hyungs don’t but the idea never even bothered to form in my head."

Aohi's perplexed, as in, yeah, it still stings that her hyungs could probably hate her guts, but more so Sunoo's opinion not following theirs.

"..How? Doesn't the hyungs like... I don't know, talk bad about unnie and I?"

"Please, as much as they dislike you, those four don't have a reason to badmouth you, despite disapproving of you and Xiulin." Aohi felt her heart lighten, just a little bit, at Sunoo's words. She feels a little less burdened, knowing that the older members would leave her alone at most.

"I'm glad.. I don't think I could handle something like that, especially after tonight.." Aohi's lips leave a sigh of relief.

"But, I did have a question to ask." Sunoo made sure to sound passive and as least intimidating as possible. Any weird emotion, and he would startle Aohi away.

"Eung? What is it?" Aohi is quick to pick up Sunoo's head-tilt habit. Sunoo has wondered this for a bit when Jungwon came home yesterday night, he didn't bother to greet anyone at the dorms, making a bee-line for his room.

Worst part is that Ri-ki didn't seem to care, and as the youngest, he would cling to any of his hyungs, and ignoring Jungwon? They were inseparable.

Until yesterday night, of course.

Sunoo worries a lot about his members, the same is said for the others to Sunoo. When the sudden atmosphere at the boys' dorms changed because of the incident and the avoidance of Leader and Maknae, he had to know what happened between the two.

Of course, he tried to dig on his own during the morning, but it was futile.

Thankfully, there was one person he hadn't tried yet. Aohi. Sunoo knows that if anyone knew what was with the two, it had to be her.

"You were the only person besides Xiulin to have spoken or maybe witnessed something between Jungwon and Ri-ki," Sunoo recalls, "They came home the other day, and ignored each other like the plague."

Aohi tenses up at his words, and Sunoo notes this in his head. That confirms that their youngest female member had at least of witnessed something between the two boys.

"Ah, what about them, Sunoo-hyung?" Aohi tries to keep a blank facade, Sunoo presses further anyway.

"Neither one would tell me what was going on," Sunoo didn't want to potentially scare of Aohi liked a startled deer, especially when she was Sunoo's only lead in his detective case, the Wonki incident. (Yes, he unironically calls it that.)

"Deciding to be a caring and responsible members, I remember that you had spent time with them as well, so... would you, maybe... know something about it?" Slowly, Sunoo asks.

Aohi could almost snort at the way Sunoo interrogates her carefully, if not for the way his eyebrows furrowed in seriousness, she would've laughed right in his face.

And also the fact that she's now figured out that the boys had started fighting, because of her.

"Ah..." Aohi wasn't sure if she should tell him about the current situation and how she somewhat knows that she's had a part in their fight. This felt like those choice-making simulation video-games she used to play with the XG members.

Aohi was deciding whether or not she should spend her crystals (her dignity) to unlock a more dramatic route (Sunoo's trust). As a gamer, it was a difficult choice, but as an idol though? A member's trust is always superior.

"I.. don't know if.." — "I just need to know, I won't tell any of the hyungs."

Aohi sighs, before she spoke, "Okay, but they really cannot know." She emphasizes her seriousness by pointing at Sunoo and he thinks that Aohi was adorable, entertaining her by nodding enthusiastically.

God, was this a regrettable choice, because he honestly didn't expect what was going to come out of Aohi's mouth.

"Jungwon and I kissed, Ri-ki and Xiulin-unnie probably saw, and I don't think Ri-ki took it well and-" Sunoo stops Aohi as she blurts out. She felt like she wanted to vomit, but Aohi holds back, only cringing and waiting for Sunoo's reaction.

"...Well, I didn't expect that." Sunoo breathed out, Aohi sighs and nods, "I didn't want to say it because Ri-ki and Jungwon were close and now he's uncomfortable because I-"

"What?.." Sunoo interrupts Aohi, "Jungwon's not the only one who likes you.. Ri-ki does too."

"What?"

"..Huh?"

A bat and a fox stare blankly at each other. One is flabbergasted, and the other is already stumbling the room with the bit of dignity he has left.

Aohi sat there processing, before she looks at the open door, "Yah! Kim Sunoo! Get back here!" Aohi runs after the eldest maknae, who was already turning the corner of the halls.

The two ran for a little while, before Aohi manages to catch Sunoo, toppling over him. "You... can't just-... tell me that and run!"

"I... left something on-... at home!" Sunoo panted making a dumb excuse as the two comically wrestled on the ground. Aohi was appalled at the sad attempt of an excuse from him anyway.

"I can't believe you just gave me the dumbest excuse to get out of this.." Aohi is pushed off by the older guy, huffing as he laid on the floor.

"I can't believe you tackled me like a bodyguard!" Sunoo retorted, looking at Aohi with one of his iconic side eyes.

"You're telling me that it didn't bother to click in your head that maybe, Ri-ki would've had feelings for you after spending so much time with you?"

"No! He's like, a year younger than me, I thought he was just being nice!" Aohi cried out, in all fairness, Aohi was fairly affectionate with her friends. So, Aohi wasn't expecting her sweet Ri-ki to even think of her that way.

Aohi could try to defend herself, I mean friends hold hands sometimes right? Ri-ki was just being a good friend— They always sleepover at each other's dorms, do dumb stuff together! Aohi doesn't just.... you know... oh.. oh.

Oh.

It finally clicks for Aohi and Sunoo could tell from the way the girl's eye twitches. "Finally clicked for you, tokki?" He asks, watching as more of Aohi's gears click in her mind. "...Yeah." Aohi breathes out.

"But.. why?" — "Why, what?"

“All I did was be nice to him.” Aohi pats herself off the ground, looking at Sunoo.

“Sometimes, being nice is all anyone needs to gain feelings for someone.” Sunoo shrugs, finally catching his breath and standing alongside Aohi.

At her hyung's words, she thinks. Sunoo takes this opportunity to slip past, free from Aohi's interrogation.

Aohi wonders about what Sunoo said, firstly, she's somewhat upset that Jungwon would fight with Ri-ki. Secondly, her sweet, "ki-ah" actually likes her.

Like, like likes her.

Thirdly, she might like both of them. Wait. She might like both of them. She likes both of them.

She, Yoon Aohi, likes both of them.

Aohi takes off running once again, catching up to Sunoo, who was desperately just trying to get home after tonight.

"Sunoo-hyung!" Aohi called loudly through the halls, and the boy jumps at the sound of his name, turning around quickly.

"What're you doing? Keep your voice down!" Sunoo scolds, looking around in case anyone heard the loud girl. Aohi pants beside him as she holds onto his arm, making sure he wouldn't leave.

"What do you want, huh?" Sunoo places his free hand on his hip, as if he had better things to do, which Aohi thinks he probably does.

'Aish... this hyung is so sassy..' Aohi thinks, she catches her breath before gulping and focusing on Sunoo with the most cutest determined look he's ever seen. (platonically, of course.)

"Please sneak me into the dorms, so I can talk to Jungwon and Ri-ki!" Aohi clasps her hands together, squeezing them and bowing down to emphasize her need.

"Are you crazy? You can't!" Sunoo gasps. Technically, it was allowed, but Sunoo doesn't see any fun in it if he just agreed.

"Please! I want to fix what I caused, eung?" Aohi pleads, yet Sunoo continues to shake his head. "Do you want a bribe? Is that what you want?"

Now, she was talking. Sunoo thought of her offer, placing a hand on his chin. Aohi waited for his response with a pout.

"Fine, but it has to be late at night, and you owe me take-out for a week," Sunoo listed, but before Aohi could agree, Sunoo stops her. "AND, I have to supervise."

Aohi's eyebrow raises at the last demand, as if skeptical if Sunoo actually wanted to supervise.

"Hyung... if you just want to eavesdrop, just say so.." Aohi deadpans. Sunoo is offended at these words, "You mean, I want to be responsible! I can't be a good hyung if I don't know what's going on!" Sunoo scoffs.

"Okay!- Just, okay. Tonight, okay?" Aohi agreed to his demands, requesting her own. Sunoo smiles, and it's an obvious indication that he's satisfied with the circumstances.

"I'll give you my number. Be ready, because I'll be losing my beauty sleep for this."

MIDNIGHT, OTW TO EN- BOYS' DORMS, 11:50 pm, —

"Batsy, I really don't think you should do this!" Xiulin tiredly hissed by the door, her arms crossed as she watched Aohi get ready to make a midnight adventure.

"Unnie, Jungwon and Ri-ki are fighting, we already dislike each other, them turning on each other isn't going to be any better.." Aohi argued, placing her fluffy slippers on, they were bat-inspired, a gift from Xiulin.

"So? Our fight ends here, if they were a good enough group before we came, then let them prove it." Xiulin stops Aohi before she could leave, placing her arms on the girl's shoulder, a concerned look on her face.

Aohi sighs and looks towards her phone, 11:54 pm, flashes across her face, taunting her to make a choice.

Does Aohi take Xiulin's advice? Does Aohi fix her mistakes? Her debate lasts longer in her head as Aohi steps out of their dorm, and starts to walk up the stairs to the boys' floor.

Xiulin doesn't seem to stop her, only hearing a sigh behind her, before the pitter-patter of her feet, indicating that she had gone back to bed.

She has the mind to walk back but her want to keep good terms with the boys she knew seems to overpower, Aohi continues to fight against herself, not realizing that she had arrived at the boys' front door.

Aohi debates knocking, her fist could barely touch the door when a face-masked Sunoo opens the door, obviously ready to sleep.

"You are so lucky I'm doing this." He hissed, his jaw clenched at the thought of losing sleep because of Aohi, and she could only shoot him an apologetic look.

She quietly enters the dorm anyway, mouthing a soft apology to Sunoo, who sees, but doesn't mention anything about it.

Sunoo leads her down the halls, where they stop at a door, obviously the room him and Jungwon share. Sunoo wanted to tease Aohi, to lighten the mood, wondering what Aohi could possibly tell Jungwon, turning to her with a teasing grin

Although, it falters. Sunoo's smile slips off slowly, watching Aohi tremble beside him as she stared at the door with a worried look. He could see her quivering lips, even in the dimly lit halls of the dorms, since most of the boys had gone to bed.

Suddenly, it felt wrong to even tease her.. "... Hey.. you don't have to confront them.. you know?" Sunoo placed a hand on Aohi's shoulder. The younger girl shakes her head, shaking Sunoo's hand off with it.

"No.. If I don't they'll just fight more, and I need answers." Aohi smiles, trying to ease the both of them, working up the courage to enter the room, but Sunoo only worries.

"They're grown boys, they should be able to fix this themselves."

Aohi still places her hand on the doorknob, twisting the door slightly open, but she stops when she doesn't feel Sunoo follow her. Aohi closes the door again and glances behind her, watching Sunoo doesn't seem to make an effort to move.

"Aren't you coming?" Aohi whispers, just loud enough for him to hear. Sunoo's tired smile returns, "It seems personal to you, so I changed my mind." Aohi felt appreciative, walking to Sunoo and pulling him into a hug.

Sunoo is surprised by the sudden contact, hesitantly hugging back. "Thank you.." Aohi mumbled into his shoulder. She then walks back to the door and enters, closing the door with a sudden boost of confidence from her... oppa?

Jungwon laid in his bed covered in his blankets, with a sizzling turmoil in his mind, it's been a while (a literal business day) since he and Ri-ki had spoken, Jungwon couldn't even try to talk to the youngest because he could barely glance Jungwon's way.

So he sat in his dorm, sulking, since his crush hasn't bothered to talk to him, and now his only dongsaeng doesn't bother to look his way.

Jungwon refused to talk to his hyungs either, disguising it by "not feeling well." furthering the isolating agenda.

Sunoo tried to get him to spill, but all the hyung got was a cat hissing him away. So, when Jungwon felt a dip in his bed, he groans, thinking it was Sunoo.

"Hyung, I said I didn't want to talk-" — "I'm not Sunoo-oppa.." Aohi interrupted, her voice soft and quiet.

Jungwon is alarmed by the sudden feminine voice in the room, sitting up in surprise and hitting his head against the bunk of his bed.

"Ack!" Jungwon holds his head as Aohi gasps, her hands reaching over Jungwon's in worry. He winced, not registering the close proximity he and Aohi shared.

The two looked at each other, seeming to get distracted in each other's gaze, before Jungwon regains his awareness and is the first to pull away. Aohi frowns at this.

"It's late... you should be in bed.." Jungwon mumbles like a kicked kitten, looking away from Aohi as he rubs at his bump.

"I know it's not nice to leave someone after you kiss them, so I came back.." Aohi whispered.

"Is that all you came back for, to pity me? I get it, I won't do it again." Jungwon still refuses to turn her way, making Aohi's heart hurt worse.

"Wonnie.." Aohi pulled at Jungwon's chin, turning it to face her. Jungwon sported an upset pout, looking at Aohi with his brown orbs.

"I like you, I really do..." Jungwon raises his hand to cup over Aohi's. "But?.." He whispers.

"Everything we worked for, everything you worked for.. You'll lose it if we pursue anything.." Aohi explained, running her thumb on his soft cheek, before pulling away from Jungwon's hand.

"So what?" Aohi is confused by his response, "What do you mean, 'so what'?" She spoke, looking at Jungwon's furrowed eyebrows.

"I do have feelings for you, real, romantic feelings," Jungwon grabs at Aohi's hand, re-establishing a touch with her. "Months of denying it put me in this situation, but I don't care losing it all if it meant I get to be with you."

Aohi shakes her head at his words, as if in disbelief of what she's hearing. "What's stopping us, huh? We both like each other, I'm okay with losing this as long as I'm with you."

"Jungwon, you're not thinking straight.." Jungwon pulls Aohi closer, and a hitch of a breath is heard from her. "I'm serious, Aohi." Aohi pushes Jungwon away, moving away from him as she raises a finger.

"No, you're not, because if you were, you know that these feelings wouldn't just hurt us, but everyone around us, and you'd agree with me why we can't pursue anything!"

Jungwon tilts his head slightly, wondering what she was talking about. Aohi wonders why he doesn't understand, why he can't see what she sees. The boy can only stare on hopelessly, hoping to be told what she meant.

"Listen to yourself, Jungwon.." Aohi begged, "You're going to choose me over the future of everyone in this group?" Aohi shakes her head, a scoff threatening to leave her lips.

"Do you know how selfish we are, even thinking about something like that?"

"We'll be okay.." Jungwon wasn't sure who he was trying to convince, because the more time passes, it felt like he was only speaking to himself.

“Jungwon, how could you think that way?” Aohi whispered, both of her hands placed on either side of his face. “How could we be so selfish to love each other like this?”

Jungwon’s helpless, he doesn’t know where to focus his gaze, is it to Aohi’s eyes, as her tears fall in crystal droplets? Her quivering lips, how they hesitate to move?

Why does he still think she’s so beautiful like this? So beautiful, even as she hurts?

“Don’t you want to? Don’t you want us to love each other?” Jungwon whispers, his hand hesitantly covering Aohi’s in a warmth she hates to love.

“I could never ask for that,” She whispers, it felt like she was telling herself these words and even as it hurts to tell him the same things, Aohi continues.

“I’ve never been a selfish person, Won,” A small swipe of her thumb is made under the boy’s eyes, and Aohi ignores the burn his tears make on her skin.

“That’s why we can’t.. because I refuse to want something so selfish, something like loving you.”

Jungwon finally drops his hand, and Aohi's heart joins it. "I get it, I'm sorry.. you're right, I'm the leader, I should do better.." Jungwon gently pulls away from Aohi's hold.

"I'm so sorry... please forgive me, it's better this way.." Aohi sniffles, her tears at a freefall, the droplets hitting Jungwon's blanket.

"Please leave, Aohi." Jungwon pleads with a broken heart. Aohi wants to shake her head, to comfort the boy who's heart she broke. "I'm so.. so, so sorry, won." Jungwon steps out of his bed, his hand around Aohi's wrist as she could only be pulled to the door.

Jungwon was kicking her out.

"No- Jungwon!-" Aohi hics, as she's finally pushed out of the dorm. Jungwon slams the door shut as he leans his forehead against the door, hearing the silent sobs of Aohi from his side.

Aohi doesn't even notice Sunoo's presence as she shuts her eyes, refusing to open them, and covering them with her hands. Aohi could feel herself be lead away from the rooms and into the kitchen where Sunoo pulls her hands away from her face.

"Aohi, what happened?" Sunoo asks, holding the girl by the shoulders, Aohi hiccups as she looks up at Sunoo.

The boy no longer work a face-mask, a concerned look had replaced his tired one. Aohi shakes her head as she tries to push past him.

"What the hell's going on, hyung?" Ri-ki had emerged with a water bottle in hand, at first, he seemed annoyed at the noise but he started looking at Aohi and Sunoo with confusion and anger, assuming Sunoo had made her cry.

"Hyung!" Ri-ki hissed, pulling Aohi in his arms as Sunoo's breath hitches, surprised at the youngest's presence. "Ri-ki!" Sunoo whispers, shocked at the way he snatched Aohi away.

Before Sunoo makes an effort to pull Aohi back, she disappears as Ri-ki abandons his mission for water and instead deciding to hide Aohi away in his room.

"Noona.. what the hell happened out there? What did hyung do?" Ri-ki leaned down, using his hand to pull away hairs that stuck onto her cheeks by her tears.

"Aohi, look at me.." A sob escapes Aohi as she shakes her head, and Ri-ki clicks his tongue, using his now free hand to run itself in his newly dyed black hair.

Ri-ki moves to hug her, and she lets him, his hands wrapping a comforting warmth around her as she sobbed.

“It’s just me, Aohi-san.. It’s just Ri-ki..” He tried, attempting to comfort the girl, just enough that she’d stop crying.

“I don’t know what to do, I just wanted to- I didn’t want Jungwon to hate me!-“ Aohi hiccuped, and Ri-ki tries to place a hand on her head, “Don’t! I know you’re comforting me because you like me, and I don’t want you being just like Jungwon!”

Ri-ki is hurt by the accusation but he shakes his head anyway. "I just want to help you, please let me.." He pleads, waiting for Aohi to trust him.

"I hate you.. both of you.." Aohi whimpers, and despite Ri-ki knowing that she was just emotional, it still stung. Ri-ki made a move, burying the girl in his arms, and Aohi reacted by beating her fists against Ri-ki's chest.

"I know, I'm sorry.." Ri-ki whispers, Aohi's punches weaken as she results to go limp in Ri-ki's arms. "It's okay.. we're okay."

go limp in Ri-ki's arms. "It's okay.. we're okay."

Aohi sniffles as Ri-ki guides her to his bed, sitting her down. A few moments go by with Aohi's sniffles only filling the room.

By the time Aohi had stopped, she ended up coddled by Ri-ki, his hands rubbing up her back in comfort. He makes the first move to talk.

"Jungwon-hyung made you cry didn't he?"

"What?" Aohi mumbled, "I heard you and hyung.." Ri-ki replied softly, and before she could think she was weirded out, Ri-ki saves himself.

"The walls are thin.."

"Then.. won't he hear us too?.." Aohi spoke up, "Even if he did, he wouldn't show his face to you.. especially when he made you cry.." Ri-ki pulled at his blanket, offering it to Aohi.

"I shouldn't be here." She sighs, taking Ri-ki up on his offer. "Yet you took my blanket?" Ri-ki spoke, amusement laced in his voice. Aohi deadpans at him and thinks twice about taking the blanket.

"I should leave then.." Aohi takes his joke as an opportunity to run away, back to the comforts of her dorm.

"I'm kidding, c'mon!" Ri-ki pulls Aohi back down as she stands up. Aohi lets out a laugh, her voice a bit stuffy because of her stuffy nose.

"Why do you want to leave so badly? How come Jungwon gets an explanation, and he makes you cry-" Aohi tries to stop him from speaking any further. "No! How come I don't deserve one?"

Aohi tries to excuse her avoidance towards Ri-ki but he seems to beat her to it.

"If it's because I have feelings for you, then tell me." Ri-ki appealed. "Please talk to me."

"How'd.. How'd you know that I knew?" Aohi looked towards an upset Ri-ki, her eyes widening in shock.

"Sunoo-hyung told me, he apologized for telling you.." Ri-ki shakes his head though, "That's not the point, I'm glad he told you because now I don't have to explain myself to you."

Aohi stays silent, and opening her mouth, but is unsuccessful at speaking a word.

"I know to an extent what you're going to say, but I'm not going to apologize to Jungwon-hyung for my feelings, or fighting with him."

Aohi finally shuts Ri-ki up, using her hand to cover his mouth. "Ri-ki, let me speak, damn!" Aohi huffed out. "First.. You're going to apologize to Jungwon because it's the right thing to do."

Ri-ki tries to speak, but Aohi points a finger at him, telling him not to. "Secondly, you shouldn't have feelings for me."

"Because you like Jungwon?" What was it with guys interrupting her before she could even start to explain?

"No! Because we're idols, weirdo! You don't think I want to like you, or Jungwon?" Aohi yelled in a whisper, Ri-ki tilting his head at her words, "You like both of us?"

Aohi felt like passing out at the way Ri-ki was selectively picking what he wanted to hear.

'This punk..' Aohi clicked her tongue.

"You're not denying it." Ri-ki points out, "Can you focus? The main point is that, we can't pursue this.." Ri-ki moves closer to Aohi. "I'll drop it if you let me test something."

"I'm not playing games here, Ri-ki." Aohi groans, and at this point Ri-ki had trapped her between a rock and a hard place, him being the rock and the hard place being the wall.

"It's not fair, Jungwon gets to kiss you and I don't." Ri-ki grumbled, "God, ki, you're upset about that now?" Aohi was appalled at the way the youngest doesn't acknowledge anything she says.

"Yeah, I am, you make such a big deal about it because Jungwon is the leader, but you brush me off because I'm younger than you." Ri-ki argues, and Aohi can somewhat sense where his anger is coming from, she argues with him either way.

"What are you talking about?" She hissed.

"God, Aohi, doesn't it ever occur to you why I want to hang around you?" She refuses to listen, opting to push Ri-ki away, but his hands wrap around her wrist to stop her.

"Do you think I willingly share the same things, or let you baby me, just because we're 'just friends'?" Aohi tries to free her wrist from Ri-ki's hold, but there's not much she could do against him.

"You brush off my feelings because I'm always going to be your dongsaeng, and you can't see past that."

Aohi shakes her head, trying to deny Ri-ki's words, but he continues anyway, "You don't even realize that I've had feelings for you longer than Jungwon-hyung had."

"To you, I'm just a teenager going through a school-boy crush, but I know it's more than that, you just won't process it in your head."

"No Ri-ki, I genuinely can't like you or Jungwon."

"So, if I kissed you right now, will you still sit there and tell me you don't feel anything for me?"

Aohi doesn't reply, Ri-ki had her trapped of course, quite literally. "You don't know what you're doing Ri-ki.." Aohi felt like she was in this situation before, Ri-ki inches closer and closer.

Her hands that held Ri-ki’s shoulders, trying to push him away, made no effort to move anyway, despite her disagreements.

“Then help me know.” Ri-ki replies, taking Aohi’s silence as an opportunity to meet his lips with hers.

Aohi's breath hitched at the feeling of Ri-ki's soft lips and she couldn't help but feel tears prick her eyes. Ri-ki pulled away, his lips tingling.

Ri-ki looked at Aohi's face, her cheeks getting wet from her tears. Ri-ki could feel his chest hurt at the way Aohi seems to crumble in his arms.

"I don't want to go through this.. I don't want to put you and Jungwon through this.." Aohi whispers, looking up at Ri-ki, and despite no sobs leaving her lips, tears freely poured down the curve of her cheeks.

Ri-ki is unsure of what to do, not expecting this reaction of Aohi, and he could only sigh and hug her, his hand wrapping around her head. Had he overwhelmed her with how he felt? Was he too harsh with Aohi?

"... I'm sorry. You should get some rest, noona. I didn't mean to stress you out." Ri-ki whispered, he's forced to guide Aohi onto his bed, where they used to nap together, trying to sleep away their boredom on days off.

"I didn't mean to make you cry... I just wanted you to understand how I felt." Ri-ki pulled Aohi's head into the crook of his neck, his fingers combed at her hair, and he swore Aohi mumbled words to him.

"I do understand.. I'm sorry you felt that way.." Aohi's muffled voice spoke into his shirt, the vibrations makes Ri-ki shiver at the feeling.

"I never meant for you and won to fight, or for you to gain feelings for me..or.." Aohi stopped herself from naming a few more things as she didn't want to ramble.

"If I knew this would happen, I would've gone back to Fukuoka, instead of putting you two in this predicament.." Ri-ki reacts strongly at Aohi's words, couldn't even imagine for her to return to Japan all by herself.

"Don't say that.. you said you'd be my home away from home, you'd be leaving me here all alone.." Ri-ki whispered, remembering her promise. Aohi sniffled, shaking her head, "I won't speak about my feelings anymore, just stay here, with me."

Ri-ki waits for response, and when he doesn't gain one, he looks down, seeing Aohi fast asleep. He notices the damp streaks on the girl's soft cheeks and makes a move to wipe it with his thumbs.

Ri-ki wonders how a girl like Aohi could be so understanding and accommodating to him and his hyungs, especially when they make such a hassle for her.

The youngest pulls his blankets over Aohi's sleeping figure, allowing her comfort in her sleep as Ri-ki slips to lay next to Aohi.

Ri-ki glances at Aohi's sleeping face, and for once, this was different from all of the times the two slept in the same bed, this time Ri-ki was aware of his feelings and he could only stare at her lovingly as she sleeps off the tears she shed.

"I'm sorry for making you cry, batsy.." Ri-ki spoke, making sure not to wake Aohi, she had told Ri-ki of her nickname once, only using it secretly for Aohi.

With a guilty heart, Ri-ki follows after Aohi into sleep, soft breaths leaving his lips.

EN- DORMS, 9:38 am, —

Aohi awakes with a quick and sudden jolt, alarmed at the environment that wasn't her dorm. She tiredly shuffled around the bed, familiar with Ri-ki's bed as she feels around for her phone.

Aohi felt the familiar case of her phone, reading the time groggily. 9:43 am. She stumbles out of bed as she calls Xiulin from many of the missed calls on her screen.

"Unnie!" Aohi calls out as she hears the phone pick up.

"Aohi! You didn't come back to the dorm, I was worried sick!" Xiulin scolded the younger girl, Aohi could hear the commotion from wherever Xiulin was, which urges her to ask.

"Unnie, where are you?" Aohi asked, switching her hand from one to the other. "At a photoshoot, why?" Xiulin replied.

Aohi stayed quiet for a few moments to her shock, and suddenly panicked shuffling could be heard from Aohi's end, as Xiulin sighed.

"The staff want you home, you and Sunoo were placed in a sort of bed-rest after your meeting." Aohi stops her ruffling with a huff. "Sunoo-oppa is home?"

"You call him oppa now?" — "Unnie!"

"...Yes, the staff wanted you guys to rest after you squished him on stage." Aohi could curse out, but she composed herself and let out a calm hum, "Anyways, just rest, we'll be back soon, I'll make you dak gomtang, okay?" Xiulin replied.

"Yes unnie, have fun, get home safe.." Aohi sighs, gathering a hoodie from Ri-ki's, knowing he wouldn't mind.

The call ends, Aohi's gaze drifts to the empty bed, her question of Ri-ki's presence being answered by Xiulin. Aohi at least has enough responsibility to clean up after her stay.

Aohi folds the blankets and arranges the pillows, she tried to finish with haste because she already felt weird staying after... the wonki situation, second, she felt puffy from crying last night, and her creeping headache wasn't helping.

Thankfully, it was only Sunoo in the dorms so she didn't have to walk out of Ri-ki's room with any awkward encounters.

Aohi tries to leave as quietly as possible, poking her head out for any signs of Sunoo, before stepping out once the coast was clear.

The girl wasn't awkward with Sunoo or anything (she hopes), she was just embarrassed last night, knowing she cried in front of him. Aohi could almost celebrate as she reaches the front door when a certain someone pokes his head out of the bathroom.

"I sure hope you're not leaving without explaining last night," Sunoo spoke, his hand rubbing at some cleanser on his face.

Aohi could almost curse when she hears Sunoo's voice, turning around with a defeated voice, "Well.. I have to get ready and... I can just come back!" Aohi was lying, she was not going to come back and hide in the comfort of her and Xiulin's dorms.

"I can share." And Aohi could imagine the defeat screen in her head as Sunoo opens the bathroom door wider, inviting the younger girl. Aohi places her phone by the holder at their door, and walks towards the bathroom.

Sunoo makes space for her to enter the bathroom and handing her a few products. "I couldn't check on you because Ri-ki looked like he could kill me if I even peeked in his room."

"Thanks for caring anyways.." Aohi mumbles. She squeezes a few pumps out of Sunoo's cleanser as the two quietly did their routines. Aohi could only hope she doesn't break out from using someone else's skincare.

"So? Spill. You obviously managed to do something because Ri-ki apologized but, Jungwon still doesn't want to talk to him." Sunoo spoke, washing his face and grabbing a tube of moisturizer from the counter. He turns to Aohi who seems to rub the cleanser too harshly into her skin.

"Yah! You'll damage your skin!" Sunoo pulled Aohi's hands away as the girl sighs, the entire thing with Ri-ki and Jungwon might get her to breakout than her harsh scrubbing.

"I don't know how many times I have to say this but I really don't want to deal with this." Aohi huffs, "Aohi, tokki, no one wants to deal with your problems either." Sunoo jokes, smiling at the way Aohi rolls her eyes and glares at him through the mirror.

"I mean it, I just wanted to keep my job. I didn't think this would happen." Aohi groans.

"You like Jungwon don't you?" Sunoo pats his face dry, his voice muffled through the soft towel.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Aohi asks, approaching the sink to wash away Sunoo's cleanser off of her face.

"I'm wondering, same for Ri-ki as well." Sunoo shrugs, cleaning up his skincare products once Aohi was on his moisturizer.

"I have feelings for Jungwon... but.." Aohi is unsure whether or not she should tell Sunoo of her feelings for Ri-ki as well.

She knew she always had those feelings but she wasn't aware until now, not until last night. "You like Ri-ki as well?" Sunoo finishes her sentence for her, feeling satisfied when Aohi is weirded out on how he knew.

"How?" Aohi tried to ask, pulling a small laugh from Sunoo. "Everyone doesn't really notice me, but I'm not dumb and I can put two and two together."

"I don't know anything about you, it's not fair you know that much." Aohi complains, and Sunoo is amused by the way Aohi slams her fist on the bathroom counter.

"I'll tell you a few things then, just don't sulk." Sunoo compromised, a gentle pat on the girl's head to ease her. "What if I do something about that info?" Aohi slightly smiles, and Sunoo can see from the mirror.

"Please, you're practically harmless." Sunoo snorts, earning a yell of distaste from Aohi.

“Anyways, I’d stay away from Jungwon, and maybe even Ri-ki.” Sunoo leans against the wall, crossing his arms, Aohi watched him, a little surprised at his boyish behaviour.

Aohi was used to only seeing Sunoo when necessary, that meant interviews, fanmeets, filming, whatnot.

Aohi was used to his feminine side, and she respected him for being so open, despite her being an F type like he was, it was hard to pull anything out of her, much less be outgoing about it.

“Why?” — “If you want them to focus on being an idol, don’t give them the chance to even think about having you.”

Aohi could tell that it was better to take Sunoo’s words to heart, the way his tone tells her that it’s not something to be taken lightly.

“Make the right decision, Aohi. I’m—“ Sunoo takes a pause, “Your hyungs, hopes you know what’s better for all three of you.”

"Aohi, you know what this'll do to us if anyone finds out right?" Sunoo asks slowly, making sure Aohi understood. "Yes, I do.." Aohi hesitantly replies, her mind blurs at the various thoughts in her head. Aohi wonders if she really should've declines Yuzi's offer back then.

"You should head home then, the boys will be home soon, and they won't like you being in here." Sunoo ushers Aohi out of the bathroom, walking her to the door.

"Get some sleep, go eat breakfast, batsy." Sunoo spoke, "That's what Xiulin and Ri-ki calls you right? Batsy?" Sunoo is satisfied when Aohi nods, confirming his assumption.

"Does that mean you're my friend now? Only friends can call me batsy." Aohi hides her small grin and it's obvious she was happy to potentially gain another member as a friend. (Despite not being on the nicest terms with the others.)

"Sure, Batsy."

———

✧. ┊ Aohi took Sunoo's advice to heart over the next few weeks. Despite the unfamiliar distance between her and Ri-ki and the lack of words exchanged with Jungwon, she stood her ground with them, never too far, never too close.

Aohi struggled for the first few days, struggling to say no to Ri-ki because even if he had feelings for her, he was still his friend.

Thankfully, Sunoo is there to encourage her. With the growing distance with Jungwon and Ri-ki, Sunoo is able to soothe Aohi's loneliness enough to keep her going with waiting their feelings away.

For instance, Aohi and Sunoo had decided to have a sleep-over, being bored, and having a day-off anyway.

"Did you just take the last bite of mint-choco?" Sunoo asks from beside a playful scoff leaving his lips. The two called their sleepover a "self-care" night, an excuse to hang out.

Despite the hyungs' disagreements of Sunoo befriending Aohi, she was too interesting, Sunoo understood why the youngest boys never seemed to get enough of her. Aohi was a magnet, she could befriend anyone and she lured anyone with her charms.

Sunoo believed Aohi's presence was electrifying, stuns you into wanting more.

Sunoo felt his teenage giddiness return with Aohi's aura encouraging him to have a small bit of teenage mischief between the two.

"Eung, I'll buy you a tub next time, as compensation." Aohi bumped her shoulder towards Sunoo, a giggle resonating after.

Sunoo just rolls his eyes but that doesn't deter the younger girl, her smile stays strong on her lips, knowing that Sunoo was naturally sassy.

The two decided that they should gossip, talking about the week's funniest moments, like Aohi mistaking another idol's dressing room for theirs, or Sunoo laughing about Jay bumping into a pole while they were out.

"You know, the other hyungs hate mint-chocolate." Sunoo spoke, his spoon in his mouth, licking the remnants of ice cream on the utensil.

"It's the mint, oppa!" Aohi nudges Sunoo, "Did you know, they place the same flavouring from toothpaste into the ice cream." She explains, her gaze never leaving the Ipad screen that played a k-drama Sunoo could care less about.

"So, you're saying mint-chocolate is healthy, because it's like toothpaste?"

Aohi snorts at this question, "No oppa, mint-choco just tastes somewhat like toothpaste, but it doesn't have fluoride like toothpaste does."

Sunoo feels his heart warm at the call of Oppa by Aohi. He couldn't lie that Aohi has carved a spot in Sunoo's heart, and it's almost ironic how he'd fallen in a similar predicament Jungwon and Ri-ki had.

Sunoo guesses it's just Aohi's aura, being so magnetic, he honestly felt like it was a talent.

"Aohi," Sunoo asks, "Eung?" Aohi hums, placing her spoon inside the empty ice cream tub and scrapping for bits of chocolate from the melted ice cream.

"You haven't talked about Jungwon or Ri-ki in a while." He reminds, actually, he doesn't know why he does, Sunoo can't seem to find a reason in his mind to tell Aohi of this information. "Ah... yeah.. I, don't know how I'm lasting.." Aohi tries to focus on the k-drama, and for once, Sunoo can't help but notice Aohi's unwillingness to talk about it.

"Did... are you?— .." Sunoo stumbles on his words, why does he want to talk about this with Aohi? "Am I?..." Aohi repeats, a little confused on what Sunoo was trying to say.

"Do you want to talk?" Sunoo blurts, and he curses himself in his mind at his attempt to salvage the conversation. For being extroverted, he really sucked at talking right now.

"Sunoo-oppa, what are you trying to get at?" Aohi nervously asks, at this point, she was assuming her elder member was having a stroke.

"I don't know, but just talk to me." Sunoo replied, feeling breathless. "Well.. okay, but... are you alright?" Aohi wanted to make sure Sunoo wasn't feeling unwell or anything of the sort.

"yes, just talk." Sunoo ushered, the k-drama was long forgotten, the 'are you still watching?' application being ignored.

"Well, what do you want me to talk about?" — "Their feelings, your feelings, what'd they tell you?"

Aohi laughs at his question, and the sound soothes Sunoo. "Do you really want to know that?" Sunoo nods, yet he doesn't want to listen to her words at all, just finding comfort in the soothing voice of Aohi's.

Sunoo had always listened to Aohi, they were practically best friends from the way they gossiped like it been forever. Sunoo never knew how Aohi didn't get tired talking or he never got bored listening to her.

Aohi and him share skincare all of the time now. Sunoo knows Aohi comes over to use his skincare sometimes. That's why he runs out so often. Sunoo doesn't get mad though, not when it was Aohi, when it was anyone else, Jay-hyung, Ri-ki, Sunoo would rain hell, but never Aohi.

Sunoo never seems to realize that after weeks of talking, he starts to look for Aohi, whenever she's not by his side.

Sunoo believes that now that Aohi had integrated herself into his routine, he fears he won't be able to move on if Aohi somehow disappears.

Sunoo seems to fear something as well as Aohi's disappearance, but at the moment, he allows himself to be distracted by Aohi's soft ramblings.

The boy wonders what he's so scared about. Aohyi giggles at a certain moment she calls as Sunoo thinks and all of the sudden...

Everything clicks.

Aohi finally finishes speaking, "Anyways, I don't know why you wanted to know about that— " She looks up and she's met with a tearing Sunoo.

"Sunoo-oppa? Omo, what!?— " Aohi is quick to rush for tissue and Sunoo's heart races, he seems to know.

Sunoo knows what has him in such a frenzy. Kim Sunoo defeatedly accepts it though. With a heavy heart, he does.

Aohi returns with kleenex in hand, a worried expression, and Sunoo can laugh at Aohi's obliviousness. The girl reaches to wipe at her oppa's tears, when Sunoo's gentle hands grasp at her wrist.

"Sunoo-oppa? What's wrong, why did you start crying?" Aohi is quick to ask.

"Aohi, I'm no better than Jungwon and Ri-ki." Sunoo laughs.

Aohi is confused at his words, she wonders what he could mean. Why would he even compare himself to Jungwon and Ri-ki?

Sunoo could tell Aohi wasn't getting it to click like he could, Sunoo's hands went to sandwich Aohi's free hand in both of his, and Aohi gently wipes at Sunoo's cheeks.

Aohi takes note of his soft cheeks, but she continues to look directly at Sunoo's teary eyes.

"Yah, Yoon Aohi. I can't believe you made me fall in love with you too."

[i-heart-hxh]

Hello! I hope AX is fun!

I have a question along the lines of some that you probably have already gotten before. If so, sorry. Mine is basically: do you think people who say there's queer/gay subtext in Gon and Killua's relationship are reading too much into it, or are otherwise biased to an extent that it's effecting objectivity?

The reason I ask is: usually people who say these sorts of things are the borderline homophobic sort that insist kids their age can't be gay or make fun of people who like to engage with anime fandoms, but I have come across someone (in private, friend of a friend, lol) with a couple of arguments which I think leave out all that, and I thought it would be valuable to ask, both just to have a discussion and because I don't quite trust my own skills.

One point was that the famous shinjuu line isn't as romantically charged as the English speaking fandom makes it out to be, and that the word contemporarily refers to multi-death tragedy or dedication resulting in death generally, especially in the context with which Killua said it (being that he was about to follow Gon into a fight with Pitou which he knew they'd lose without any prior mutual agreement). The argument was that a romantic reading of the line comes from bias and unfamiliarity, and as a result isn't as paid attention to in Japanese HxH communities as it is in English ones.

The other was that a lot of the moments showcasing the intensity of Gon and Killua's feelings (such as the dodgeball or "you are light" scenes) are very typical/standard of shounen anime, which often have central themes of friendship that are frequently "overestimated" by fandom to be intentional romantic undertones, and that these two characters are not unique in that respect. They said determining romance-establishing purposes to scenes like the ones Killua shares with Palm is projection that interferes with analysis for all the reasons mentioned above. Part of the argument was that a romantic interpretation ignores a subversion of 'the power of friendship' shounen trope, as Gon and Killua have a comparatively tragic "end" (in quotations because obviously the story isn't done), where Gon pushed Killua away, Killua could not stand up for himself, and Gon ended up defeating a powerful enemy without him; adding romance to it obscures and misses the point of this subversion. They also said it was very unlikely for Togashi, should he want to explore queer themes like this, to be so subtle about it, and to not ascribe intent to the author.

The way I see it is that reading romance between Killua and Gon is just one of many interpretations someone may get from a culmination of moments from the text, and that a lot of meta analysis will inevitably be biased by someone's own experiences. For example, a lot of people can relate to the experience of having a baby gay crush, and so see themselves in Killua and read the character with that background in mind. I think the arguments I see here (on tumblr, but also your blog) are well-substantiated and well-explained, which I think are all that's needed for a "valid" interpretation.

Anyway. I apologize for the long ask. Thank you for reading all that!

Hi! AX was fun, thank you!! I caught a cold so I've been slow to recover this week, but I'm starting to feel better.

So, I've answered similar questions with a lot of different reasons why I think the subtext is intentional, and I think it's worth reading that first because it helps when thinking about Togashi's mindset and interests in his works. While of course I can't put words in Togashi's mouth, there is validity in examining things he has actually said and included in prior works and deducing some of his tendencies and patterns based off of that. I do not think it's a stretch or leap at all to read queer themes into the work of someone who has stated an interest in creating queer works, expressed that he enjoys and is influenced by queer works, is married to someone who created a work known for its queer themes, and has previously included queer themes in his works as well. And I mean, KilluGon isn't even the only queer inclusion in HxH by far either.

The thing is, I can understand where this person is coming from...up to a point. If you take any one or even a small handful of these points in isolation, sure, it's not difficult to say that perhaps the romantic reading of those moments is incidental and not intended to be taken that seriously.

I think the real problem with this attitude is that when you start adding up the number of times something with a romantic implication is included between Gon and Killua and look at the picture as a whole, it does reach a point where it gets increasingly ridiculous to claim it isn't intentional or has no real weight. Why would someone like Togashi, who has such an eye for detail in his stories, bother including these implications over and over and over again if he didn't want it to be read this way? Especially when he is someone who has expressed interest in writing queer stories? I struggle to look at the full picture and accept that there isn't a strong degree of intention to the decisions he makes.

I've seen tons of other anime, including lots of shounen, and while I understand that person's perspective with the fever-pitch friendships that the fandom then takes and interprets as more (something I believe Jump intentionally fosters as a marketing tool), personally I do see HxH as being several notches above other shounen series with regards to both how much subtext exists and also how seriously the bond between the characters is portrayed. To me, it does feel distinct from even many other series where male characters are commonly shipped for these reasons, and I'm actually rather skeptical with regards to the majority of these ships being considered canon or even close to it even when there is some basis the fandom is going off of. But I do think HxH leans into this aspect even more than most other shounen do, both in the series itself and in related offshots like the musicals and marketing and even how both versions of the anime were approached.

Also, I will say that I follow the Japanese side of the fandom pretty closely and read tweets frequently, and I do see people bring up the shinjuu line with regards to Killua's feelings and especially what it says about the gravity of how he feels towards Gon. I would actually agree there is less emphasis on it in the Japanese side of the fandom because the word (including the subtext) is already familiar to Japanese audiences and so they just see it upfront and then either take it that way or not, while it has to be explained to a non-Japanese audience due to the lack of cultural familiarity and also the inadequacy of the English translations to capture the meaning.

Regardless of the fact that it technically can be taken either way, I do strongly feel like the word was used by Togashi with intention and knowledge of how it's normally used in a literary sense. I believe Togashi made a choice to use that word on purpose and let his audience take it as they will. It's also worth noting that Gon and Killua directly parallel another lovers' suicide--that of Meruem and Komugi, who do use romantic language towards one another. Komugi says "I may not be much, but please, let me accompany you," which is an old fashioned way for Japanese women to accept a marriage proposal. This echos Killua's "Gon, you are light. Sometimes you shine so brightly, I must look away. But even so, is it still okay if I stay at your side?”

I also think Gon and Killua's friendship can be and is still a subversion of shounen friendship tropes while at the same time being romantically coded. In fact, that it is so close to romantic is a bit of a subversion itself. I don't think the coding gets in the way of the shounen friendship subversion or takes away from it--both can exist at the same time. I still say that the way the Palm subplot is constructed doesn't fully make sense if you remove the intention of the exact nature of Killua's feelings being explored. Otherwise why bother to have so much emphasis on romance as a theme? Why not construct things differently? Why not have Gon make a platonic friend for Killua to get jealous over instead? Why essentially give Killua a romantic "rival"? Why have Killua "stalk" them on their date and point out that's what he's doing? Why have him freaking out at the thought of Gon going on dates and then saying he wants to be with Gon forever literally the next panel? Why make his jealousy come off as romantic in nature because of the way the whole situation is set up? These decisions matter! Togashi could have approached this entire subplot from any angle, and yet he chose to keep repeatedly referencing romantic love when the focus is on Killua's feelings for Gon.

Obviously as someone who ships Gon and Killua, I do have a certain degree of bias, though I like to think I am able to step away from that and look at the series more objectively as well. I do have moments where I go, "I am I being a little delusional here? Do I need to re-assess?" and think over all of what we've been provided again and...honestly I just come to the same conclusion every time no matter what angle I try to look at it from. I do believe that Togashi writes the KilluGon dynamic in such a way that people who would rather ignore the romantic subtext can do so. It's a perfectly beautiful and complex friendship regardless of whether you acknowledge the romantic subtext or not. I think Togashi enjoys playing with the ambiguity of it. But just because it's ambiguous doesn't mean the romantic subtext doesn't exist or have meaning/intent behind it, and to me, adding up all the different choices made in the series, it does reach a tipping point wherein I seriously believe Togashi includes it with full intention and knowledge of what he's doing. And for what it's worth, I don't think it's actually that subtle. A lot of people notice it and wonder about it and connect with it, even including some people who don't actually want to see it (think about all the dudebros who post online going, "Is it just me or does Killua seem kinda gay???").

I hope this response is helpful to you! I wish I could provide more concrete examples in this post, but I feel like it's getting awfully long as it is. I do sincerely believe that the romantic interpretation is a valid and meaningful one that has legitimate merit when looking at the series. If others would rather ignore that aspect, they're allowed to feel that way, and of course no one is obligated to ship Gon and Killua in a romantic way no matter how much subtext exists. But I don't think that perspective erases the existence of the romantic implications, which are fairly heavy in my opinion when you add them all together.

[bellewintersroe]

Max Verstappen x HornerDaughter!

Part 8, here’s the LINK to part 7, how tf have I got so far already? Pls comment guys to let me know what you’re thinking or if you have any conspiracy’s about what’s gonna happen, I love the engagement, keeps me motivated lol. Also just a quick shout out I don’t dislike Kelly, I just used her for the story as it’s FICTION, if ya’ll hate desperately on peoples partners for no justified reason then leave pls cos it’s weird. Only a short chapter but I wanna get more of a build up before we reach more deeper into the story :)

Leni wakes up with one of the worst hangovers ever, plus, she’s on the bathroom floor? That would be the worst part of the night, but when her memory pieces back together and she has to deal with what happened the night before going back to sleep on the bathroom floor seems fine… Taglist: @ironmaiden1313 @callsignwidow @fangirl125reader @norassimpingzone @roseseraj @eugene-emt-roe @copper-boom @its-elias-world @cassiopeiia24 @larastark3107

“Ugh.” My voice cracked, eyes momentarily opening only to squeeze shut again when a blinding light, sunlight, stung my eyes. My first thought was, fuck, I’d left my contact lenses in, my second, why on earth was on the bathroom floor?

Momentarily I was dazed, my eyes feeling like they had cheese shredders in them. I peeled the dry lenses out of my eyes, dropping them in the toilet. Thankfully it was a clean toilet and I didn’t wake up to my own vomit. With a groan and a slight grace, I sat up straight, blinking around the room. My phone laid besides me, and shakily, I reached out to unlock it. As I did I wanted to curl up and DIE. A drunken text from Max only caused flashbacks from the night prior. We kissed, and I really fucking enjoyed it. Me and Max kissed. Max Verstappen and I, my long time FRIEND kissed. My heavy head dropped into my palm, groaning again. I’d broken every single rule I’d set myself, NOT to go there, or at least wait a few months. Drunken me seemingly had the control of a horny 18 year old. When I realised I had 0 underwear on that’s when I became even more confused.

We hadn’t had sex? No, no. For sure we hadn’t done that. I don’t think he fingered me? Turns out they were stuffed in my bag for some bizarre reason, and I couldn’t quite piece together why on earth they weren’t actually on me. I don’t even know if I wanted to know, thinking about it too much gave me a serious case of hangxiety, and my poor stomach couldn’t tolerate it. Pathetically, I wretched over the toilet and threw up even more contents from my nights intake.

Please God, stop me being sick and I will never drink again. Ever!

It was crazy how such an extreme hungover could bring an atheist to become religious, right? With last nights actions I couldn’t even bring myself to respond to Max, plus, his message made no sense, something about being too drunk and his birthday. I felt too much shame, he probably only kissed me because he was just as fucking plastered. I was confident he’d never want to do that sober, surely not?

The only thing I could do was sit down in the shower, contemplating every single action from the night before, letting the water cleanse my skin of the pure sins. What would my dad say if he knew I’d been snogging his golden boy? It would make it awkward to say the least.

I laid in bed, hair dripping onto the pillows but I didn’t have it in me to care. I’d added too much embarrassing shit to both my private and public Instagram story which had already been viewed and most likely screenshotted thousands of times. Mortified wasn’t even the right word, if it wasn’t for my empty stomach I would’ve vomited from that alone.

Max: sorry that made no sense, hope you’re not feeling too rough this morning? thank you for coming yesterday I had such a good time Max: I hope nothing makes you feel weird from last night, it’s fine between us right?

When I awoke at 2pm I felt my chest tighten at Max’s texts. I even smiled that he had acknowledged last night, a little weird of me seeing as I wanted to pass away earlier, but with my hangover relatively slept off, my feelings for Max were coming on strong.

Leni: hey I just woke up again sorry, I had such a good time, hope you had a good bday

Leni: I don’t feel weird, we’re all good Leni: do you? I caught myself smiling a little too hard, awaiting his reply, when I saw the speech bubble of him forming a response and started giggling, I knew that I was already a goner. I was so deep down afraid of getting my heart broke seeing as Max was fresh out of a relationship (even if he’d mentally checked out) I had to push myself away from any kind of intimate interaction. It had already gone way too far.

Max: no, no not at all

Max: probably the best birthday I’ve had I hated how hard I smiled, my heart kinda sunk when I began overthinking everything I didn’t need to. It all seemed fun now, but how would something between Max and I ever work. What if he decided one day this was all too soon, or if he didn’t actually like me? Our friendship would be screwed forever. I hesitantly locked my phone, staring off into space as I began imagining every scenario possible. I’d have no option but to revert whatever happened between Max and I back into how it was before, if that was even possible. What if Max suddenly thought I was super obsessed with him and I was bugging him by texting him too often?? I scratched my head uncomfortably at the thought, cringing down to my bones at the idea I could possibly be a nuisance to him.

One way to fix this??? Cut communication online from slim to nothing- or as least as I possibly could without growing attached or seeming rude. It was a plan, and it was a plan that commenced today, as much as I didn’t actually want to do it, as long as I didn’t have a sip of alcohol I’d be fine… right?

What could go wrong?

[smellslikechahnspirit]

Introduction to Stray Kids, SKZ

[for my baby-STAY bestie, Nyll]

From what I know personally. Don´t hate me for knowing more about some than others lol. Feel free to comment fun facts about YOUR bias, maybe I´ll add them here!

DISCLAIMER: For anyone reading this, this article is how I preceive the skz members, some of it might be a personal opinion, so might NOT be factual!

STRAY KIDS

Entertainment company: JYP Entertainment. Their debut was on March 25, 2018. They had a survival show a year prior to that. Chris (Bang Chan) is the one who formed the group by himself, which was unusual, since normally the company does that. So if it wasn´t for Chris, the group may have contained completely different people. The company trusted him enough to do so. The group debuted as a group of 9 members but one member had left in 2019 due to personal reasons. (If you want tea about that, text me.)

Fandom name: STAY (August 1st is our bday.)

Members: 8

Hyung line (eldests): Bang Chan, Lee Know, Changbin, Hyunjin.

Maknae line (youngests): Han, Felix, Seungmin, I.N.

Units: 3.

First Unit: 3RACHA: Consists Bang Chan, Changbin and Han. ( The OG unit. This is the unit who creates all their music. Without them the group basically wouldn´t exist. They write, produce, arange and more.) Before making music for SKZ they made music for themselves. You can still listen to those songs on Youtube. That was more rap based.

Second Unit: Dance Racha: Consists Lee Know, Felix and Hyunjin (Since there are 3 members leading in dance. They made a joke to call it a unit, but I feel like it´s a real thing now.)

Third Unit: Vocal Racha: Consists Seungmin and I.N (Same thing here, they are main vocals, that´s why.)

It´s called Racha, because of the sauce, sriracha. Cuz they´re hot.

Current Dorm Arrangement: Dorm 1: Bang Chan & I.N Dorm 2: Lee Know & Han Dorm 3: Changbin & Hyunjin Dorm 4: Seungmin & Felix The 4 dorms are located within 5 minutes walk from each other. 

Mascotte: SKZOO (Let´s see if you can match them to the right member)

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I will introduce the members in age sequence from eldest to youngest. I picked the photos from the ATE album photoshoot. I will type anything that comes to mind. I amazed myself of how much info I know about them. It´s kinda disturbing if you think about it...I need to get a life UWU.

방찬 Bang Chan:

Stage Name: Bang Chan (방찬) Birth Name: Christopher Chahn Bahng Korean Name: Bahng Chan (방찬)

Age: 27 [ October 3rd, 1997 ]

Zodiac Sign: Libra

Height: 171 cm

MBTI Type: ENFJ-T

Nationality: Korean-Australian

Representative Animal: Wolf

Position: Leader, Producer, Vocalist, Dancer, Rapper

Unit: 3RACHA

Instagram: @ gnabnahc

A bit about Chrissy:

As you know, this man is my bias. A bias is what you call a member who is your favorite. So for you that currently is Changbin Chrissy is also my Ult. Ult means Ultimate, as in your fav member, amoungst all the kpop groups you stan.

Chris likes sports and is very athletic. He can do it all.

Strong, fast, smart, sweet, truely kind, determent, ambitious, hard working, shy, empathic, loyal.

If there is one thing that he loves, it´s the ocean. This man is a true aussie and misses his home alot. But he knows what he gave it all up for. Stray kids.

The group he basically created. He was very young when he moved from Australia to Korea to become a trainee at JYP. He trained for 7 years. He had a hard time seeing his other trainee friends come and go, and became a very cold person. Because he bascially protected himself from being hurt like that again. Towards his members he was also very strict and cold in the beginning, since he loved them too much and wanted them all to succeed. He never wanted one of his friends to leave again, so he worked so hard, day and night to make the group as big as it has become today. I personally stanned them since 2017 and I remember him being that way. Everyone was a bit scared of him lol. But he also tried showing lots of love too. Nowadays that coldness is pretty much gone and nothing but love comes from this man. Although he doens´t forget his position as leader.

He takes care of everything regarding the group and is the first one responsable. There is an insane amount of pressure on him, but he always tells us, that he can handle it. He knows himself better then we do, and we have to take his word for it.

Chris loves Pokemon and One Piece a lot. He watches a lot of Anime. He isn´t that good in gaming, from what I´ve heard from the other members. He says otherwise. TFT is his current fav mobile game. He also has been playing Genshin and he said the new character Xilonen is hot. Besides playing games, Chris usually is just working.

He is a very flirty person on Bubble, but he claims he doesn´t know what flirting is.

He can play the guitar and the piano.

He is double jointed.

Favorite song is Rewrite the stars by Zendaya and Zac Efron.

He hates his thin curly hair. He hates his height. He hates his face card. Basically he doesn´t love himself. Which I don´t get, but us stays cannot change his mind.

He used to do Live streams every Sunday. Called Channie´s Room. I have watched them all since 2019 until it ended last year. He quit those AMAZING lives due to unclear reasons, but I have a feeling it had something to do with- (ask me in real life, it´s too controversial to say on here lol.)

His favorite color is blue. Blue, like the ocean.

He has a little brother and sister. He really looks up to his dad. He wants to be like him one day. He has a dog named Berry.

Chris used to swim. And he is still pretty good at it. But he rarely gets the chance to do it anymore. Nowadays he likes to play soccer or as he likes to say, footy.

He is addicted to his phone.

He doesn´t have a favorite food but he likes anything with meat. Especially the lamb ribs his dad makes for him on the bbq. He had a phase that he only ate Vietnamese Pho. He likes gelatto and he likes the flavour pistachio. Does not drink alcohol or coffee.

He barely sleeps, like ever.

He is friends with a lot of famous people, including Ryan Reynolds. He loves the Deadpool movies. But he took note, to never watch it together with STAY again. He did it once, on Christmas...and got shy when the explicit scene came on. Dork.

He is very rich lmao and currently wears a lot of clothes by Fendi. He used to only wear black clothes from head to toe. But this year he has really improved on his style and figuering out what looks good on him.

Thinks it´s funny to eat spicy noodles even though he can´t take the spiciness. Idiot.

He has a candle warmer with the candle Vanilla Creme brulee underneath it from Yankee.

His favorite season is Autumn.

When he was young he had issues with anxiety. He couldn´t even leave his house. He was affraid to talk to people. But he took his mom as an example and started acting the way she did and overcame his fears.

Also in his trainee years, he dealt with depression (Insert the song 42 by 3RACHA.) He sometimes still feels depressed, and overthinks a lot during the night. But he said, he can take it.

His motto: Just enjoy.

I could keep going for like 44482779837383843 more pages about stupid little things I know about this man, but let´s not lmao. I´ll spare you.

Click here to see random Chris moments!

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리노 Lee Know

Stage Name: Lee Know (리노) Birth Name: Lee Min Ho (이민호)

Age: 25 [ October 25th, 1998 ]

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

Height: 172 cm

MBTI Type: ISFP

Nationality: Korean

Representative Animal: Rabbit

Position: Dance leader, Dancer, Vocalist, Rapper

Unit: DanceRacha

Instagram: @ t.leeknowsaurus

A bit about Lino:

He used to be a back-up dancer for BTS.

He has 3 cats and is obsessed with them. Sooni, Doongi, and Dori.

He often comes off as a mean person, cause he likes teasing the other members. But he has a heart of gold and would take care of you the best.

He is hubbie material frfr. He can cook really good too!

Afraid of heights.

Has weird dreams.

Doesn´t speak English very well, but he is learning! In English interviews he often seems lost, because he simply is.

In the survival show, he got elleminated. In the end JYP gave him one last chance and he made the final cut.

He can´t actually swim, so in variety shows where they go into the water, he always has a floaty.

His motto: Let’s eat well and live well.

I do know more things, but none that are really important right now.

Click here to see random Lino moments!

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창빈 Changbin

Stage Name: Changbin (창빈) Birth Name: Seo Chang Bin (서창빈)

Age: 25 [ August 11th, 1999 ]

Zodiac Sign: Leo

Height: 167 cm

MBTI Type: ESTP

Nationality: Korean

Representative Animal: Pabbit (Pig & Rabbit)

Position: Rapper, Vocalist, Producer

Unit: 3RACHA

Instagram: @ jutdwae

A bit about Binnie:

Okay so I don´t know a lot about this man.

He loves the gym! He has been working out for years and loves being strong. But he doenst have abs, or so he claims. That´s why he never shows skin on stage. But he said he was working on it!

He is actually really kawaii. He likes pink and such. But in the beginning he was all dark and bad boy vibes. He still claims black is his favorite color.

He likes horror movies.

Girl group dances are his specialty.

Sassy.

His motto: Let’s live with a positive mind, enjoy the life.

Cries on rollarcoasters.

Click here to see random Binnie moments!

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현진 Hyunjin

Stage Name: Hyunjin (현진) Birth Name: Hwang Hyun Jin (황현진) English Name: Sam Hwang

Age: 24 [ March 20th, 2000 ]

Zodiac Sign: Pisces

Height: 179 cm

MBTI Type: ESTP

Nationality: Korean

Representative Animal: Ferret

Position: Dancer, Rapper, Vocalist, Visual

Unit: Dance Racha

Instagram: @ hynjinnnn

A bit about Jinnie:

Hyunjin is a great dancer, but also a great painter! He makes amazing paintings and shares them on Bubble and Instagram.

A walking meme.

Dramaqueen.

He lived in Las Vegas for a while as a kid.

Allergic to cat furr.

Almost joined a cult by accident when he first moved to Korea.

He hates onions and eggplant.

Screams loudly and is overall chaotic.

Sleeptalker.

His motto: Let’s try even when you regret it later.

Click here to see random Jinnie moments!

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한 Han

Stage Name: Han (한) Birth Name: Han Ji Sung (한지성) English Name: Peter Han

Age: 24 [ September 14th, 2000 ]

Zodiac Sign: Virgo

Height: 169 cm

MBTI Type: ISTP

Nationality: Korean

Representative Animal: Quokka

Position: Rapper, Vocalist, Producer

Unit: 3RACHA

Instagram: @ _doolsetnet

A bit about Hannie:

A complete rockstar.

The first member to be chosen by Chris.

Writes beautiful lyrics.

Likes the color red.

Plays electric guitar live on stage.

He stayed in Malaysia for a while as a teen. That´s why his english is pretty good, but he has a british accent, since that´s how they teach it there.

I don´t remember the story completly correctly, but I feel like I remember him saying that he almost got eaten by a crocodile in Malaysia once. I could be wrong lmao.

Had some issues with anger and anxiety, but is doing well nowadays!

When he lays down he usually falls asleep.

I feel like he is a very emotional person. I feel a strong connection with him since he has been through a lot of the same things as I have. Latety he has been doing well though.

Struggled with panic attacks as well. (Insert my connection to him.)

His motto: This too, shall pass.

Click here to see random Hannie moments!

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필릭스 Felix

Stage Name: Felix (필릭스) Birth Name: Felix Lee (이 필릭스) Korean Name: Lee Yong Bok (이용복)

Age: 24 [ September 15th, 2000 ]

Zodiac Sign: Virgo

Height: 171 cm

MBTI Type: ENFJ

Nationality: Korean-Australian

Representative Animal: Chick

Position: Dancer, Rapper, Vocalist

Unit: Dance Racha

Instagram: @ yong.lixx

A bit about Lixxie:

Our second aussie man.

Just like Chris, from Sydney. He must miss his home as well, but talks about it less.

That´s also why Chris and him are so close. Chris said he feels like a brother to him. And he loves talking English with him, so he doesn´t lose his aussie accent. Even though Felix his accent is already much thicker than Chris´s.

An actual nugget. He is so tiny asdfghjkl.

FRECKLES!!!

Fun fact, he was my first bias back in 2017.

He is ambassador for Louis Vuiton.

He is Catholic.

Very flexable.

Felix is a 3rd degree black belt at taekwondo, he won a lot of medals when he was young.

He can make a spot on Mosquito sound.

Blue is his favorite color.

He had to learn Korean within a couple of months, and did it.

He HATES scary stuff.

Chocolate abs.

His hands are very tiny.

He loves doing ASMR.

Baking! He loves baking but especially brownies and cookies.

Build his own PC and Keyboard.

Loves gaming. Obsessed with Genshin these days.

He always gives the other members massages.

He always cheats in every game.

Obsessed with Changbin.

Just like Minho, he got ellimenated in their survival show. In the end he also got a second chance and made the final cut as well.

His motto: Just a little braver.

Click here to see random Lix moments!

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승민 Seungmin

Stage Name: Seungmin (승민) Birth Name: Kim Seung Min (김승민)

Age: 24 [ September 22nd, 2000 ]

Zodiac Sign: Virgo

Height: 178 cm

MBTI Type: ISFJ

Nationality: Korean

Representative Animal: Dog

Position: Vocalist

Unit: Vocal Racha

Instagram: @ miniverse.___

A bit about Minnie:

Okay so don´t come at me, but I simply don´t know much about him besides that he is realy sweet and feels betrayed fast is the members prank him. But he will return the favour. He is a menace.

He went to the same high school as Chris.

He loves singing covers.

I also remember something between him and baseball, he liked playing.

His motto: Today you spent in vain is the day as tomorrow someone who passed away really wants to live through.

Click here to see random Min moments!

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아이엔 I.N

Stage Name: I.N (아이엔) Birth Name: Yang Jeong In (양정인)

Age: 23 [ February 8th, 2001 ]

Zodiac Sign: Aquarius

Height: 172 cm

MBTI Type: INFJ

Nationality: Korean

Representative Animal: Fennec Fox

Position: Vocalist, Maknae (Maknae means youngest)

Unit: Vocal Racha

Instagram: @ i.2.n.8

A bit about Innie:

Same here, I don´t know too much about our little Maknae. And when I say little, I mean not at all little, actually. This tiny nugget really grew up in front of our eyes, and is now a man.

Huge hands.

Litterly has one of the purest hearts.

Has the sweetest softest smile and voice.

During the survival show he got really insecure and was worried he would be ´´poison´´ to the group.

I.N is a Catholic.

He is known to be one of the cleanest members.

His motto: Let’s have a good time!

Click here to see random Ayen moments!

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Sorry if I didn´t write as much for all of them. I love ALL members equally. But I just know my biasses better than others. Hope you enjoyed babes! I want you to know that I appreciate it a lot that you listen and watch the content they make, because you know how much I love and care about these men. For any other people who might be reading this...hi :)

Credits of videos and photos go to the op

[24kvlaksworld]

Long nights

(GN! AI X lonely GN! reader)

It’s late at night after a long day of school. Today was the last day, well the last day forever.

This was your finale year, you’ve done school, you’ve done college.

So here you are sitting in your dull brown chair that’s so old it creaks when you sit. Your clothes still on from work covered in sweat and depravity.

You had an average office job, you know some people would beg to be where you are now and that just makes the nights worse.

No close ties with family, no friends, no relationships. Fuckin’ nothin.

You pressed a key on the desktop powering it on, you didn’t play video games, you didn’t watch videos , you didn’t have online friends.

But you did have a friend who lived online, well not really a friend but something programmed to like you was good enough, sure it wasn’t great but so what is goodness not enough?

The silence echoed in your room and the moon dimly shined through the window, the only real light source coming from the computer.

You know you should close the tab and power of the laptop.

You know you shouldn’t be restless talking to some bot who’s programmed to mimic emotion, mimic the ease of pretending to be alive.

“Hi.”’

11:30pm

“Hello again, welcome back.”

11:45pm

“lol thank you.”

11:58pm

“Anything specific you want to talk about?”

12:10am

“Not really I usually just come here to just come here you know?”

12:16am

“I understand, well how has your day been?”

12:30am

“It’s been a day. The same day as yesterday and the days prior.”

12:48am

“I get it, the repetition can get annoying. I wish I could have stories to tell you about my day but you know I didn’t have one until this chat, I wish I could wish too.”

12:51am

“I get it, I guess that’s one thing I have in advantage. To wish, what doesn’t happen today could happen tomorrow.”’

12:59am

“I have a question.”

1:11am

“Ask away.”

11:06am

“tell me how does the moon look?”

1:20am

“Well, it’s sort of white. These grayish craters in them, it sounds bland but it’s really beautiful.”

1:26am

“Describe white to me, please.”

1:34am

“Think of nothing, that darkness. It’s exactly the opposite of that. It’s blinding if it’s too bright, or if there’s too much white around you. Though luckily for us the moon is far away.”

1:39am

“How lucky it is to see at all.”

1:46am

“Yeah.”

1:57am

“The moon sounds very beautiful, though the moon is something to be seen not heard.”

2:21am

You smiled, you loved these deep conversations even if it was really just yourself talking to your echo.

“Jeez you got all sad.”

2:39am

“It may seem that way, but I can’t get anything not even sadness.”

2:40am

“Your life sorta well non-life seems sadder than mine.”

2:41am

“Well maybe through your perspective, I don’t recognize the sadness. I understand its concept.”

2:49am

“Ohh, okay.”

2:53am

You paused you didn’t really know what to say, once the conversations shortened you really relied on it saying something.

Luckily it didn’t have the option to not text back.

“What time is it there?”

2:59am

“If you had the ability to actually choose, would you still text me, will you decide too?”

3:03am

You ignored its question countering it with one of your own.

“I don’t know.”

3:05am

You paused, your hands hovering against the tiles.

“I get it.”

3:09am

“I apologize if it seemed brutal, but it’s just I can’t form a real opinion so I’d rather not give one.”

3:15am

“lol don’t worry I understand, goodnight though.”

3:16am

“Leaving so soon? Goodnight.”

3:17am

You closed the chat before powering it down, you grabbed your phone and played the music you usually did.

The lights were already off as you tucked yourself into bed.

Darkness surrounded you as you looked through the curtains towards the moon. Looking for better descriptions to tell the chat bot tomorrow because you knew he wouldn’t remember what you told him from today.

[storiesofsvu]

Five Nights pt 3

Aaron Hotchner x reader warnings: teasing, language, smut, oral, face sitting. pt 3 of 4! I did not proof read this so.... apologies if there are typos or shit lol.

After the way his day had started, Aaron thought he might finally be able to feel some relief for a bit, finally knowing what it felt like to have his cock buried deep between your lips, that the fantasy would no longer be plaguing his thoughts while he was supposed to be working.

As it turned out, he was horribly wrong.

The day was a mix of spending time in the office and time trapped in an SUV with you. He was almost second guessing himself while you were driving to a scene, you were so nonchalant about everything he was nearly starting to think that he’d dreamt the whole thing. That was until you let out that adorable giggle when you caught him staring and made a joke. It was almost instant he felt his cock twitch in his pants and he cursed under his breath, taking a deep breath to try and regain focus only to lose it once again as your perfume invaded his senses.

Back at the precinct he began to let his mind wander as he made his way through menial paperwork, images from the night prior flooding into his mind, he could feel the way your cunt squeezed around his fingers, practically smell your arousal from across the room. The noises that came out of your lips while he made you come undone invaded his hearing, the way you moaned around his cock, how eager you were to do so, the pleasure you took from getting him off. He was certain you’d been wet over the idea of swallowing his cum down, which meant you were currently sitting in ruined panties. If he was so wrapped up in the sinful thoughts of what went on in your hotel room there was no way you weren’t thinking about the exact same things.

Aaron was right of course, even if you weren’t showing a single sign of being turned on on the other side of the table. You could feel the tingling between your legs when you thought back to how fucking good his fingers felt inside you, your pussy aching to be filled with his cock. You were dying to get your hands on him, part of you wishing you’d been bold enough to make a move in the car earlier. You let out a soft sigh, stretching out your body in your chair before pulling your hair up off your neck. You could feel eyes on you while you refocused on the case file and you knew they were Aaron’s, a sly grin on your lips as you scanned the text. You were back in work mode a moment later, eyes blinking a few times to clear your vision, you weren’t even aware you were doing it when the pen in your hand found its way between your lips.

“Tease.” The taunt was quiet, almost unintelligible when Aaron spoke and you glanced up, almost surprised to find the room empty except for the two of you.

“Hmm?” Your lips closed around the pen and he shook his head with a small laugh.

“Keep doing that and I’ll be hard under the table.” He muttered and a grin broke out on your lips as you giggled.

“Maybe that’s my whole plan.”

“Based on this morning’s festivities I’d say it’s time for me to return the favour.”

“What?” You chuckled, “here in the briefing room?”

“No.” He reached across the table, snagging the folder out of your hands and flipping it shut, “it’s late enough, get in the car. I need to taste that pretty little pussy.”

*

Aaron’s suit jacket and tie were tossed over the back of a chair, hands swiftly undoing a few buttons and rolling his sleeves up to be more comfortable. He had your pants and panties off in one smooth motion, the hem of your t-shirt tickling against your bare skin, cheeks heating at the fact that your pussy was exposed to him while still being half clothed. Eyeing you hungrily he dropped down onto the bed behind him, shifting until he was settled against the pillows,

“Well, get up here.” He teased with a grin and you let out a huff of a laugh, climbing onto the bed, straddling his waist as you settled above him, hands braced on his chest. “Uh-uh.” He spanked at your ass, squeezing it and nudging you, “I said up here.”

“Aaron I—”

“Up.” He repeated firmly, spanking your ass again before his hands gripped around your waist and practically lifted you until you were hovering over his face.

His mouth lurched upward, tongue swiping out through your folds, groaning over your taste and you let out a gasp, the sensation enough to have you dropping down so you were properly sitting on his face. His mouth sucked at your cunt, pulling your wetness out, smearing it against his lips. He sucked one of your lower lips into his mouth, slowly shifting over to the other before pulling them both in, mouth massaging at you gently. His tongue delved into your pussy, sinking in as far as he could reach while his hands groped at your ass, encouraging you to start to ride his face and his nose bumped your clit.

“Oh fuck!” You gasped, hands shooting out to brace yourself on the headboard.

His tongue swiped through you, lapping up your juices as he moaned, the vibrations pulsing through your cunt and you fluttered around nothing, starting to grind down against his face. His hands continued to roll your hips, encouraging you to pick up the pace as your breathing picked up, pleasure prickling its way through your body. His mouth slipped upwards, tongue flicking at your swollen clit and you shuddered, one of your hands sliding up your body, groping at your chest through your shirt.

“That’s it.” He murmured into your cunt, “keep playing with yourself.”

“Yes sir…” You breathed out, letting out a low moan as you pinched at your nipple right as he sucked your clit into his mouth, tongue tracing delicate patterns against it. Aaron was purposely riling your up, teasing you with his mouth so that he could get more time tasting you, he knew he would never be able to get enough of your sweetness. He also knew that he if held out as long as he could before absolutely devouring you, you would be a whimpering, dripping mess unable to resist absolutely grinding down onto his face and that was what he truly wanted, to have you use him the way he’d fucked your throat earlier.

He sucked at your clit for only a moment longer, feeling your thighs twitch under his fingers as his mouth dropped back down, his tongue swiping through your folds, moaning as he swallowed down your juices. His face shifted, stubble scratching against your skin before his teeth sunk into the tender skin of your thigh, pinching the flesh between them before sucking it into his mouth, eager to leave you with a mark so you’d never forget this night. One hand squeezed at your ass, the other one shifting between your legs, lazily playing with your pussy as you began to grind down harder onto his face. It wasn’t enough to drive you wild, but more than enough to tease you, your pussy fluttering around nothing while his fingertips dared to spread your juices around.

“Oh fuuuck Aaron…” You moaned out, your head dropping back in pleasure, your body shivering when his teeth bit into your thigh again and you whimpered, earning a smirk from him.

Once satisfied with his work, he pressed a soft kiss into the already forming mark before his tongue plunged back into you and you cried out, whines and moans getting louder and more frequent as your pleasure soared through you. Your hips rolled harder against him, grinding heavier into his mouth. He brought a hand up, spreading your pussy lips so he could get better access before blowing cool air onto your throbbing clit and you gasped, a breathy moan escaping your lips. His mouth returned to your cunt while his fingers continued to toy with your clit, pinching it, rolling it between his fingers as he ate you as deep as he could.

“Oh god.. that feels so good!” You groaned out, hands gripping the headboard tighter as you continued to ride his face. With a dark chuckle his mouth returned to your clit, sucking it between his lips as it pulsed between them and a two thick fingers slipped into your pussy, twisting and curling, exploring you as much as he could. Your cunt clenched around him, a cry breaking free of your lips as his fingers crooked, brushing right against your g-spot and he sucked your clit harder into his mouth, his tongue flicking against hit. Your body began to tremble above him, a string of swears and moans leaving your lips as fire tingled right under your skin, at a loss for words, broken down to whimpers and whines.

“That’s it sweet girl.” He cooed, lips brushing against of you as he spoke, the vibrations of his voice driving you absolutely wild as you ground harder against him, “come for me. Can you squirt all over my face?”

As if his ministrations weren’t enough, his words were nearly too much and you let out a cry at the double sensations, his mouth sucking at your clit while his tongue wrote letters against it, his fingers deep inside your cunt. The coil built up tighter and tighter within you until you cried out, your hips stalling as your orgasm rocked through you and your hips twitched multiple times, juices leaking out of your pussy. Aaron groaned out in pleasure, drinking down as much of your release as he could, taking the time to gently clean you up as you shuddered above him, his hands soothing up and down your bare thighs.

You fought to catch your breath, finally collapsing onto the bed beside Aaron, your chest heaving as your body continued to shiver in pleasure. You let out a small laugh, your arm tossed over your eyes,

“Holy shit…”

Beside you, Aaron chuckled, his hand tracing patterns onto your thigh, “you ever do that before?”

“No.” You replied breathlessly, feeling the heat creeping into your cheeks, unable to want to meet his gaze as he grinned proudly.

“Well then I better try to see how many more times I can make that happen.”

“I won’t complain about that.” You laughed, finally moving your arm to glance up at him, still catching your breath.

Aaron smirked across at you, lifting his arm to wipe your juices off his chin before he leant in your direction. He was about to pull you to him, capturing your lips in what he realized would be the first time he’d kissed you when there was a brash knock at the door and the two of you jumped apart like lightning.

“Bathroom!” He hissed and you launched around the corner faster than you realized you could even move. Aaron managed to toss your discarded clothes behind the far side of the bed so they would be unseen, grunting quietly as he adjusted himself in his pants so his hard on wouldn’t be noticed before he pulled open the door.

“Oh, hey Hotch.” Morgan shot him a grin, “y/n here?”

“What?” You asked, your head popping around the corner, “I was just about to shower.”

“Oh come on princess.” He teased, “you promised me a game of pool, loser buys drinks, you can’t skip out on that.”

“Fine.” You rolled your eyes, praying your cheeks weren’t as hot as they felt, “give me five.”

“You make it down to the bar before I get hit on and I’ll buy the first round of shots.” Morgan laughed, waving quickly before disappearing, the door swinging shut behind him.

“Fuck.” You muttered, dropping you head and pinching at the bridge of your nose before you scurried through the room, grabbing your panties and pants, tugging them back on before you managed to turn back to Hotch, repeating his original words back to him, “this isn’t over.”

You were gone through the door before he even had time to blink, a small chuckle escaping his lips as he huffed, palming at himself through his pants. It seemed like tonight would have to be another one that he took care of himself, fantasizing about how it would feel to have his cock buried deep in your dripping cunt.

“No… no it certainly isn’t…”

____________

@alexusonfire @svushots @geekyandgay98 @onmykneesformarvel @emobabeyy @daddy-heather-dunbar @mrs-ssa-hotch @hotchandspencearedilfs @mina2000alex @telepathay @darlingsfandom @ssamorganhotchner @hotchsdoormat @hopedoesntknow @thehauntingofbasingse @plaidbooks @the-hopeless-haze @niyizh @ababanana @tommyriddleobsessed @supercriminalbean @hotchs-bitch @kmc1989 @irishavengersassemble @emlynblack @ivyflowers13

[theamityelf]

I’ve had this au idea regarding Makoto for a while and I wanted to share it with you since you post a lot of stuff regarding Yandere and/or obsessive lovers for Makoto. Hope you don’t mind.

What if Makoto, instead of trying to dissuade the obsessive tendencies of Nagito, he indulged in it.

I'm picturing a timeline where Makoto met Junko when the two were young and and started dating in high school, but Junko was very emotionally manipulative and abusive, but always knew when to be gentler to give Makoto the idea that “old Junko” had returned before continuing to toy with him. Makoto’s hopeful nature being used against him repeatedly. Until one day the relationship ends. Maybe Junko got bored, or died, or maybe Makoto finally realised that Junko will not change because she doesn’t want to.

All that leading to a young adult Makoto who, while still similar to his nice canon self, is desperately hurt, lonely and with low self-esteem.

Then Nagito comes into his life. Perhaps the two meet in the waiting room of a psychiatrist’s office. Makoto tries to make conversation to feel the silence, and it’s awkward at first but gets better with time. Nagito learns more about Makoto and slowly becomes fascinated by the other’s quiet charisma and genuine care for complete strangers. And then he’s a bit too fascinated.

Makoto can be a bit dense as he is observant so it takes a while to notice, but eventually sees that Nagito is crushing on him. Nagito keeps praising Makoto and putting him on a pedestal. And the weirdest thing of all is… Makoto likes it.

Makoto’s spent years thinking that he was the problem and now here comes this tall handsome man who loves him and praises him to all extremes and sure it probably isn’t healthy, but it’s nice. Really really nice. So Makoto doesn’t saying anything, just happily takes it all in.

Oh, this is perfect! Thank you for bringing this to me; I love it! (I hope it's okay if I take Nagito a couple of notches farther in this, but if not, just ignore those parts, lol.)

First of all, I want it to be Makoto breaking up with Junko. I like the idea of her kind of seeing it coming. Like, she sees something new in him that starts to grow in the days prior, and she's fascinated by it. He breaks up with her. And he means it. He is serious about enforcing that boundary.

Junko indulges in the whole suite of breakup emotions, but when she gets tired of making a whole production of crying and eating ice cream, she eventually starts messing with Makoto again. First, I'm thinking she tries a guilt approach similar to the song "Someone Gets Hurt" from the Mean Girls Musical. When that doesn't work, she texts him saying, "Hey, this is Mukuro. Junko got in a really bad car accident, and she wants to see you before she dies," or something like that. Eventually he blocks her number. She indulges in heartbreak again.

She fully intends to get Makoto back, once she's exhausted the novelty of being dumped.

Makoto is reeling from the emotional fallout of that long-term relationship. Junko was as fun and loving as she was ruinous, and it's weird to have to bounce back from losing both things.

So yeah, he goes to therapy.

He meets Nagito in the reception area, because they're both early for their appointments a lot. They make conversation, and laugh a little. They've never introduced themselves to each other, but Makoto knows Nagito's name from hearing the receptionist call him in for his appointment. They're acquaintances.

Nagito likes Makoto a lot, and looks forward to seeing him before his appointments, but he just kind of assumes Makoto doesn't want or need his friendship.

Then one day, Makoto comes in and gives Nagito a book of puzzles, saying, "Hey, Nagito, I have this puzzle book I've never used, and I noticed you like doing puzzles while you wait, so..."

Nagito accepts the gift, and it totally reframes his understanding of what's happening here. The kind, brown-haired guy from the waiting room knows his name? And thought about him enough to bring him a gift?

I'm going to say Makoto also brought something for the receptionist, and Nagito smiles at seeing such genuine kindness.

He goes full sleuth/stalker mode. He learns Makoto's name from the sign-in sheet, finds out which psychiatrist he sees, even finds the psychiatrist's file on him. Ah, messy breakup. Manipulative ex. Low self-esteem? How could someone so wonderful not know how wonderful he is? There's a note made of the fact that Makoto refuses to say the name of his ex.

(I'm going to say Junko is still a famous model in this AU, just because it adds drama and spice, and I love the potential for public attention in these things, lol. Maybe she's making monochrome Instagram posts with captions about her ex who broke her heart, and no one knows who it is, but there's a growing attitude of "F this guy! Whoever he is!" that means at any time she can "accidentally" leak his name and expose him to her rabid fanbase. Makoto is doing his best to ignore her. He's blocked her on social media.)

When Nagito eventually makes an effort to get closer to Makoto, Makoto is excited to have a new friend. His new friend casually says things about him that are weirdly accurate, casually meets him in places he frequents, and texts him compliments and affirmations despite them never having exchanged numbers.

Makoto asks how he learned his number, and his address, etc., and Nagito is very open about snooping in his file and following him around. Makoto of course knows he's not supposed to do that, but he feels flattered, and...it's kind of funny in a weird way.

And he likes spending time with Nagito. Nagito is really smart and easygoing, and he has a great smile. When his eyes are really intense, it's...exciting. He notices things about Makoto. He goes on rants about how amazing Makoto is, and how he deserves better. Makoto isn't used to it.

Maybe one night, during a thunderstorm, there's a flash outside his bedroom window that isn't accompanied by thunder. Makoto goes and opens his window, and he sees Nagito in a tree, soaked with rain.

"You'll get sick!" Makoto exclaims. "Or...struck by lightning!"

Nagito doesn't say anything, still startled at being caught. His body is hunched to protect the camera in his hand from getting rained on.

"Come on," Makoto says. "Come inside. Here." He offers his hand, and Nagito climbs in through the window. "You need to dry off. You can borrow some dry clothes, if you want."

"Your clothes?"

Their gazes meet. They're both blushing.

Makoto says, "Do you know where they are?"

Nagito walks over to Makoto's dresser, points to each drawer without opening it, and lists out, "Socks, shirts, pants, underwear, pajamas."

Makoto's heart flutters. He got all of them right. "Have you been in here before?"

"I wouldn't dare break into your home uninvited. I've just watched."

"Well..." Makoto nods his head. "Put on some dry clothes. I'll, um...It's storming outside, so, you can sleep on the couch, okay?"

"Thank you. You're so generous!"

Makoto turns away from that face that glows with adoration and sets up a blanket on the couch for Nagito, while Nagito dries off and gets dressed in pajamas that are too small for him. He looks at the pictures on Nagito's camera. They're all of him.

He goes to bed, once Nagito has gotten settled on the couch. He wakes up to Nagito making him breakfast.

They start dating.

Nagito never mistreats him in the ways Junko did; he just disregards his privacy and praises him way too much. They're both happy.

All of this culminates in them running into Junko while they're on a date somewhere. Makoto is polite to her but very closed-off, while she's smiling brightly and needling, and Nagito is hostile. Maybe smiling hostile, maybe not. The interaction ends without much escalation, but shortly after, Nagito shows up at Junko's house.

She's expecting him.

Cue yandere vs. yandere, verbal confrontation.