#no pressure whatsoever if you don't feel like doing stuff

[complicitsacrilege]

9 people you'd like to know better

Thanks for the tag @argyleheir 💖

Last song:

Currently watching: Not watching anything atm, but I've been playing Hades a lot recently!

Currently reading: The Phantom's Pet: A Monster Romance by Kassandra Cross (just finished and I don't recommend. I read another thing by this author and it was a lot but I wanted to give the author another go... yeah... I uhh... I don't judge reading or writing tastes but I think I need some brain bleach tbh), and the brain bleach books are: Capturing the Roman by Layla Cole, An Inheritance of Monsters by Cate Corvin, and The Savior's Book Cafe: Story in Another World by Kyouka Izumi (I'm on vol 3/5 and it's cute so far!)

Current obsession: uhhhh gay vampires. it's always gonna be gay vampires. But other than that, teaching myself violin (I played for a few months like 10 or so years ago, but I've picked it back up and I'm teaching myself!)

Tagging (no pressure if y'all don't want to do it!) @isabellehemlock @pinkestpigglet @coffeeworldsasaki @dark-gift @artandhijinks @bondilluns @teethingpains @translouisdpdl and anyone who wants to do a thing!

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

All the hoarder Alex stuff is making me want a lil ficlet, where reader takes him on a date and the restaurant keeps getting his order wrong

Really test his temper (and blood pressure medication)

Yeah of course! Gotta give some love to this Italian rat too. He deserves his flowers <3

...............

"W-What is this place??? Where did we get the money to eat here??? Did you sell anything of mine to-?!"

"No. This is all coming out of my pocket, Alex. I promise." With a small sigh, you did your best to calm your date: the ratlike entity in a jumpsuit who was addicted to hoarding items, especially those from morgues.

You figured that he needed a long break from his "duty" as bridge guardian in the Uncanny Streets, so you asked the Taxi Driver to take you both somewhere nice for the evening. Not the Purge Event, of course, but rather a small fancy restaurant on Night Hill.

Of course, Alex didn't like to stray from his collection for long...although at the same time, being away from it brought him some clarity, realizing that he should be focusing on you and this relationship. His last one ended on an extremely rough note, and he didn't wanna mess things up with you.

Even so, he still had some "separation anxiety", which was understandable.

"A-Ah..forgive me, caro mio." He stuffed his paws into his pockets, foot tapping against the ground rhythmically. "I'm happy that you've been planning this out for me. Really, I am. I just...haven't been away from the bridge for a long time, and I worry. What if someone tries claiming my stuff? Or they move it without a permit???"

".....you wanna just order the food to go?"

"No, no, no..it's fine. I won't think about it anymore." He chuffed, ceasing all tapping motions as he puffed his chest out. "I...will be a MAN who appreciates the DATE that his lovely PARTNER set up!"

"Alright, and we'll see how that blood pressure medication holds up, too." You mentioned.

He looked at you scoffingly. If you could see his eyes, they'd probably be annoyed....but only a little bit. "Look, I know you're worried for my health, but I don't think it's necessary. Why, I already feel much better!!"

"That's because it's in your system right now, working overtime."

"....ah. Si, si...th-that makes sense. Now then..." Alex gulped, taking your hand into his paw--which was only somewhat sweaty compared to earlier. "Shall we go?"

You simply gave him a smile back and walked inside the restaurant together.

Hopefully, you lasted longer than 30 seconds in here.

...............

"Unbelievable!! This is NOT the water I ordered! Waiter!!!!"

"Alex, have some patience. They're very short-staffed today-"

"Yeah? Well I have a short TEMPER! So hmph!!" Alex sulked back in his chair with displeasure. His tail flicked irritably as he looked around at all the other customers being catered to. "Seems like we're the only ones getting poor service...where's the manager?"

'God, I hoped and prayed that he wouldn't turn into THIS kind of customer...' You internally groaned, wondering how you could salvage this date.

Neither of you have even ordered food yet. All you had were drinks, his water and yours, and there was already a problem. He was already swift to criticize the service.

"Let's not do that right now. How about we look at the menu first?"

"...fine." Thankfully, he quieted down and gave the menu a thorough read, while you skimmed over yours and had a good idea about what you wanted to eat.

Alas, things only kept going downhill.

The one meal that looked appetizing to him wasn't currently available, and the food that he was willing to settle for ended up being something entirely different--something that he was allergic to.

He knew the moment the plate made contact with the table...and you had to make sure he didn't flip it as he cursed out the waiter for forgetting about his allergy.

Only for you to remind him that he didn't actually inform them about it whatsoever. Not even you knew what it was until right now.

Unfortunately, that's when the manager came by, overhearing his angry rambling, and threatened to kick you two out if he didn't sit down and shut up.

That alone finally made Alex listen, and you ended up switching plates with him so he didn't have a violent allergic reaction. He ate your meal rather grumpily the entire time, while you ate his, a silence falling between you both.

It was delicious, but it made you feel quite guilty considering he couldn't enjoy this food without it possibly killing him.

Then when the bill came around, there was an added fee tacked onto it due to Alex's apparent "general disturbance of the public", and once again....he was ready to chew out the waiter and argue with the manager, even though you were planning to pay in-full and didn't mind the tax.

He had his doubts that all of these inconveniences were coincidental, believing everyone in this restaurant was out to get him, take his "wares", and rob you blind.

During the taxi ride home, you wanted him to list at least three good things that happened.. He managed to get to 2.5, but that was better than nothing.

You'd consider it a successful date, since he didn't faint once, so that was a step in the right direction.

Still, you didn't think it would be so stressful for him, and you promised that the next one will be much, much better. You'll take him somewhere that didn't involve money and questionable customer service.

As long as he could stretch out his medication until then...

[heavenly-reaper]

brief thing i wrote and haven't finished!! let me know if you want me to finish it pls thanks.

daryl dixon x fem!reader

warnings: smut (kinda, didn't really get to the p in v stuff), swearing, degradation etc, slight brat taming? fuck knows honestly

Daryl Dixon was many things, of which you have noticed over the several years you have fought for your life beside eachother. He was smart, insanely good at adapating to his environment, was able to get himself out of any situation he found himself in, but he was also incredibly mean when he wanted to be. And that was whenever he was around you.

You and Daryl had been together since practically the beginning of the outbreak, and you had never once been able to put aside your difference to help one another. Even though about ten years had passed since the beginning, the dynamic between the two of you had not changed whatsoever. And part of you loved hated it.

Daryl was always mean and downright awful to you sometimes. He didn't approve of your job before the fall (god knows how he found out) and he didn't approve of the fact that you were still alive now, ten years on. He couldn't get past the fact that a stripper had adapted to the new world so much, that she was alive now and the people he considered his family wasn't.

And today was no exception. You and Daryl were paired together to go on a run together, much to your dismay, and the run was quite a long one at that. You had estimated that you would be gone for nearly a month as you had to get enough supplies to last nearly six. You really couldn't be dealing with that right now.

Begrudgingly, you walked over to the motorcycle that Daryl insisted on bringing everywhere, and slung your legs over it. You put before your hands on the handles and made a pretend motorcycle noise. You giggled slightly to yourself, you knew that if you got caught doing this on the rednecks favourite possession, you would, quite frankly, be dead.

Just as you were about to get off and wait for the man to come along, you heard a scoff from behind you. "Fuck are ya doin'." The voice said, coarse and scratchy.

You winced inwardly, knowing exactly who it was. You quickly got off and bit your lip, thinking of a way to get out of the situation you had got yourself in. "Uh, nothin'." you spoke, voice meek.

Another scoff from Daryl travelled through you. "Didn't look like nothin'." He shook his head and got on his motorcycle, staring at you to get on. Quickly realising he wanted to go, you did as ordered. You weren't sure if you should wrap your arms around his midriff, so your arms just layed awkwardly at your sides.

"Do you wanna die?" Daryl asks with an eyebrow raise.

"Huh?" You reply, somewhat confused. What does he mean, do i wanna die?

You could almost sense his eye roll, "If ya ain't gonna put ya arms around me, ya gonna fall off." His response was obvious, it may have sounded sincere, but you knew it was done mockingly. "Come on sweetheart, I don't bite."

You did as told and wrapped your arms around his waist, you could smell his musk from his neck. He smelt absolutely divine. The way this man made you feel was something you never thought you'd experience. Daryl oozed dominance, and he showed it in everything he did. And you fucked lapped it up like a puppy every damn time.

As Daryl revved the engine, you caught a glimpse of his hands on the bars. Just looking at them made heat spread throughout your tummy and down to your cunt. You tried (and failed) to clamp your thighs shut to relieve some of the pressure, but to no avail.

Sighing slightly to yourself, you tried to ignore the immense horniness that had washed over you in the past ten seconds and focused on the situation at hand. You couldn't wait for this run to be over.

After nearly four hours of riding, you and Daryl decided to set up camp for the night and continue the ride tomorrow as it was getting dark. Un(lucky) for you, however, the place you found was an old shack that could barely fit two people in.

"So," you started, looking around the shack that was the same size as a small bedroom, "who's sleeping where?" You ask genuinely, confused on the sleeping arrangements. There was one bed and a couch that could barely be considered one, it was more of a chair, at best.

Daryl didn't even give you an answer, just a shrug. It seemed he was more invested in his packet of cigarettes, as he puffed away at one.

"Seriously," you scoffed. You stalked over to him and snatched the packet away and threw it away somewhere, "you could actually respond to me, dude, instead of smoking yourself to death." You finish with a slight roll to your eyes.

Daryl did nothing but stare daggers into you, almost daring you to say anything else. When you didn't, he got up from his position and grabbed the previously mentioned cigarettes off the floor and put one in the corner of his mouth. "Oh, really?" He smirked, the cigarette bouncing slightly with the movement of his lips.

"Yes, really." You replied rolling your eyes, "You may not like me, believe me, it's not a one way street, but you need to get a fucking grip." You say, eyes full of fire. "I mean, we're stuck together on this fucking run," you continue, starting to pace throughout the shack, "for a month, might i add, so you could atleast try to engage in conversation once in a blue fucking moon."

You let out a breath, stopping where you were and turning back to face Daryl. His eyes were just boring into you, no expression, no emotion, nothing. You had no clue what that man was thinking as of right now.

"You're right," he answers simply, words echoing throughout the small wooden building.

You're taken back by his answer, "I-I am?" you say, looking confused and somewhat inquisitive to hear why.

"I don't like ya," His answer was sharp and to the point. He walked closer to you, making you walk four steps back, banging into the wall. The feel of the hard wood on your back made you wince. "I don't understand how a fuckin' stripper survived this long," he starts, walking straight up to you and caging you between him and the wall. "I mean, you were nothin' but a whore people payed money to see, what makes ya so special that you should be alive now and they aren't?"

You could smell the scent of tabacco on his tongue, and the looking in his eyes were full of hidden rage that would mostly go hidden. You knew what he meant by 'they', as in Glenn and Abraham, Merle and Hershel, Tyreese and Beth, all the people you had lost throughout, all the people you had outlived. Some were more intelligent than you, some more quick witted and smart, others just knew how to handle themselves. Daryl was right, how had you, a stripper, outlived them all?. And that was what made his words all the more painful, because no lies were told.

"I-I'm not a whore." You say, stuttering slightly, you latched onto the one thing that Daryl had said that you did disagree with.

Daryl scoffed at you, eyes raking over your body. He noticed the way your breasts slightly spilled over your v-neck shirt and the way your shorts hugged your thighs just enough to tease the redneck. The look he was giving you set your body alight, even though he had said some downright degrading shit to you, just the way he was looking at you turned you the fuck on. "Ya sure about tha?" He replies slyly, taking note of your heavy breathing, and the way you refused to make eye contact with him. "You're saying that if I stick my hand down ya pretty lil' underwear, ya won't be wet?" He smirks at you, hands brushing at your thigh.

Looking at him, all you could muster up was a meek little, "fuck you."

Daryl did nothing but laugh, he moved his hand further down your jeans and dipped into your underwear, barely touching the place you wanted, no, needed him the most. "Sweetheart, you ain't gonna be doin' the fuckin' round here." The look on his face was sinister, yet his eyes were darkened with lust, further accentuated by the bugle in his trousers.

Daryl finally put his fingers into your underwear and felt your pussy making you let out a long moan. He collected all the juices that had accumulated over the past few minutes and shoved a finger into your wet hole, eliciting a gasp from you. Just before you could get any real pleasure out of it, he had already pulled out his hands and showed you his now glistening fingers, scoffing at them," "Fuckin' pathetic. Barely touched ya' and ya' already wet" He brought up the fingers to his mouth and licked them clean, "Guess ya' are just a lil whore, ain't ya."

The feeling of his touch burned you, and sent a heat down to your belly once again. You tried to alleviate some of the friction by rubbing your thighs together, but to no avail. Daryl pushed your legs back apart and pinned your hands above your head and against the wall. His eyes raked over you again, your blown pupils and your hooded eyes and the way your lips were parted made his cock twitch. You looked fucked out before he had even touched you. He was right, you did look pathetic.

[hencheri]

wayv toxic traits?

ngl i didn't come up with all of this by myself, but i love this very much ><

▸ 18+ mdni. | warnings. mention & description of toxic relationships.

kun he guilt trips you a lot. after an argument or a fight, he straight up ignores you and you start doubting yourself, if you weren't a little too harsh with him. you feel so guilty that you're the one apologizing when maybe it shouldn't be the case. he never says sorry and you don't even notice it, always feeling bad when in reality, you did nothing wrong.

ten he's very possessive and doesn't let you have any privacy. he makes you believe that his behaviour is totally normal, and when you refuse him, he makes it seem like you hate him. he also embarrasses you in front of people, pointing out insecurities or making fun of you just to humiliate you.

winwin he loves bomb you constantly. he acts like he's very into you and wants to be with you, saying what you want to hear to keep you on the hook. when you ask what you are, he immediately friend zones you and he shows no hesitance whatsoever. but as soon as he feels you going away, he acts like he loves you again in order to continue using you when he wants.

xiaojun he really has a short temper. he gets angry for the littlest things and goes off on you for stuff that doesn't make sense. he's very jealous and doesn't trust you, causing him to go through your phone without your knowledge, finding wrong in every relationship you share that doesn't involve him. a few insults are thrown at you if you dare to not agree with him.

hendery he pressures you a lot into doing things you don't necessarily want to do. primarily sexual stuff, and as someone with a lot of experience, he's not shy to initiate and take the lead, but most of the time you're not really up to it. he rarely takes no for an answer, too, taking what he wants from you because as his girlfriend he believes he has every right on you.

yangyang he thinks he's always right, never admits his wrong doings and totally dismisses them. if you try to argue, he bursts out and refuses to listen to you. he can be judgemental toward you a lot, telling you every little thing that you do incorrectly, probably also telling you how much one habit of yours annoys him, or how your way of doing this certain thing is stupid.

[wizzdot]

The Patron Saint of One Way Trips

Ch10

Description: Well Well Well, what have we got here... interesting developments in this chapter.... 🤌🏼

*Laika's (Y/N's) POV*

We made it back to base slightly after lunch time. I felt well rested thanks to my short sleep in the back of the car. "Should we put away all of your new things?" Gaz asks me, him and the Captain carrying several bags each through the halls. Before I have chance to think, I nod my head and lead them to my room. I open the door for them to bring the bags in, Gaz walks in with a big smile on his face. John hesitates at the door. "As much as I'd love to help, I've got a few calls to make. Oh, and Y/N.. the medics want to see you today so we can give you the all clear to start training with us.. Gaz will accompany you if you wish".

I try to cover the nerves and fear "Yes, Captain" I reply obediently - "John will do, Y/N, any problems, Kyle will help - or, call or text any of us on that phone of yours.. I'll see you both later." I nod and wave at him as he leaves, thanking him for the shopping trip.

*John's POV*

I have to stop when she invites me into her room. The scent is stronger in here. Still faint, but more concentrated. Kyle walks in, grinning ear to ear. Of course he does, he has already admitted to me that he likes her. There certainly is something about her that pulls the Alpha side of me towards her. I don't usually have to stop myself from displaying typical Alpha behaviour, but with her, it's as if I'm constantly trying to keep a lid on my instincts.

I turn away with a smile. She thanked me for the trip and she looked much happier. That made me happy. I didn't have any calls to make. That was just an excuse because I didn't think I should go into her private room at this stage.. I decide to go and get Johnny, I'll take Simon to the gym - help him blow off some steam.

*Laika's (Y/N's) POV*

Kyle and I sit down on the ground and start unpacking my bags. We giggle and play with the 'Gaz-bear' as he keeps calling it.. I roll my eyes every time he says it. After only about five minutes, there is a chap on the door. "Lass? Cap said you needed help..". Johnny. I glance to Kyle who immediately whispers to me "Are you okay with him coming inside?" I nod, I'd warmed up to the chattery, touchy man. "Come in, Johnny.." Kyle shouts on my behalf. Johnny is in the room before Kyle even finishes his sentence.

He reeks, of his own scent, but also of something muskier and spicier. Ghost. He smelled of Leather, gunpowder, cigarettes with undertones of Amber and burnt wood. It wasn't unpleasant whatsoever. I try to ignore it.

Johnny shamelessly inhales, "Smells nice in here, Lass - buy some new girly perfumes?" - "n-no?" I reply, confused. "Where are your bed sheets? You cannae sleep without blankets?" - "Oh.. no I've - I've got them.. just" - "where'd you sleep then, hen?" He is relentless with his questions. Not in a pressuring way, but in a slightly hyperactive 'taking stock of the situation' way. He was very observant. His eyes zone in on the tiny corner of bed sheet sticking out from under the cupboard door. I follow his gaze and freeze.

"Tell me yer no' sleepin' in the cupboard, Lass? Were you scared or..?" - "I-I just feel safer in smaller spaces.." I stutter nervously. I notice that Kyle has gotten up and has moved closer to where I'm sitting on the floor. "Can I look inside?" Kyle asks. I look up at him, feeling even smaller from my seated position on the floor. I nod my head "gonna have to put some of my new stuff in there anyway so by all means, look" I shrug. It was just blankets after all.

Johnny slumps down on the floor, close enough that our knees are touching. Kyle stands and moves to the door. Just before he opens it, my stomach drops. "Wai-" He'd already opened the door. His hoodie and Johnny's borrowed clothes were up near the pillows, the scent was comforting so I'd organised it so that I was aware of the scent while I slept.

Kyle looks from the cupboard, to me and then to Johnny a few times. A smug smirk growing on his face. He dives back towards me, plucking my from the ground, wrapping his arms around me. I squeal as Kyle man-handles me but I must admit, I was enjoying being wrapped in his scent. "You silly girl, if you were wanting to nest, you should have said.." he laughs into my ear, still clutching me, legs dangling, not able to touch the floor.

"She's nesting?!" Johnny stands and peers into the cupboard. He stands staring for a good minute. I didn't think that was a nest. I was confused.. I only slept there because it was safer and darker.. How is that nesting?! "Fuck, she IS nesting!" Johnny declares excitedly. "Let's help make it better!!" He suggests. Kyle eventually puts me back on the ground and I'm already flustered but he makes me even more so when he gives me a quick peck on the cheek.

"Oi, stop hogging her all to yerself ya greedy pig, Gaz!" Soap shouts. I'm a little overwhelmed to be honest, but not in a bad way. Soap jokingly pushes Kyle away and moves into my space. He takes both of my hands in an unusually soft gesture, for him anyway..

"What else do you want from us for your nest, Lass?" - I blush, shaking my head "It-It's not a nest" - "aht's a nest if ever I've seen one, Laika.. your instincts are telling you to nest, I read all about it in the presentation books so a ken what I'm talking about, Lass" he says, tapping his head as if to point to his big brain.

I can't meet his eyes, I look to the ground, embarrassed. "I-I don't know much about that sort of thing... I never presented before"- "shush lass, you don't need to explain yerself" - "Yeah, Y/N, we want to help you.." Kyle interrupts.

"Awkt, you're so cute, Lass. Look at you, all flustered and blushin' because you let two Alpha's into your wee nest" Johnny gushes, bringing my chin up in his large hands, making me meet his gaze. "C'mon, let's all go and get lunch and then we can unpack all this new stuff. Yous can show me what you bought too?" Johnny offers. I find myself nodding, still staring into his rich blue eyes. It sounds stereotypical, but they really did look like a stormy sea - deep and dangerous, but beautiful..

They lead me away from the kitchen which I thought was strange. Kyle must have picked up on my hesitance because he softly takes my hand and explains "We are going to the mess hall, love. Lunch is always in the big shared hall, unless you want something special obviously, you can just use our kitchen" - "Aye - but tae be fair to the cooks, the mac and cheese is the bees knees in here and Jesus, the garlic bread, Laika - it's tae die for" he practically salivates at the thought. I giggle. Kyle squeezes my hand in encouragement, happy to hear me coming out of my shell.

Johnny pushes the left of the two double doors open and allows Gaz and I through. It's busy in here. There are loads of soldiers. Mainly Alphas but a few Beta's scattered around too. I follow the two Alphas toward the queue. Kyle hands me a tray. I feel a little overwhelmed and can feel eyes on me. I feel itchy and uncomfortable. Kyle and Johnny seem preoccupied with the food they are about to get and don't notice another Alpha walk behind me in the queue.

He isn't necessarily doing anything wrong, but he is standing far too close and staring creepily down at me. I shrink back, trying not to make eye-contact. The queue moves a step forward. I check how much longer we have and it's maybe only four others waiting to get served before Johnny and Kyle and then me. That's only a couple of minutes of waiting to get away from this creepy Alpha, who had now started breathing in my scent, or attempting to anyway. He furrows his brow when he can't pick up much of a scent. I can tell he is about to say something. I try not to whimper.

All of a sudden, a voice from over my shoulder scares the absolute shit out of me.

"PROBLEM, Rookie?" A gruff voice growls. I start to stutter a response, thinking they were talking to me, too scared to meet their eye. "N-no Sir.. Sorr" I start before I'm cut off.

"Not you Laika, MOVE!" the voice barks angrily. A rough grip drags me and pulls me around their own body and into the protection of Kyle and Johnny, who look equally as confused at the sudden drama. I whimper and look at whoever it was that the creepy Alpha had pissed off.

Ghost. It was Ghost..

"No Lieutenant, no problem, sir" - "Tell me then, WHY were you pissin' about trying to mark territory that ain't yours?" - "Sir - I didn't know, Sir... She has no scent sir" - "No scent? She reeks - don't fuckin' lie - now piss off. And if I see you near her or my pack again, you'll be in the fuckin' ground" Ghost rages.

I reek? I don't even have a scent.. what the fuck does he mean?!

Kyle and Johnny watch on with smirks on their faces. I am in between them wringing my hands and biting my nails, terrified that I was about to get in trouble.

"Fuckin' love it when he takes charge like that" Johnny mutters. My eyes widen and I blush heavily.

The Rookie scurries off, clearly terrified of the Luitennant - I don't blame him..

Ghost slowly turns, and looks between Kyle and Johnny, making a point to ignore me.

"If you two fuckin' idiots are going to bring her in here, smelling the way she does, you better keep a fuckin' eye on her because she fuckin' reeks.."

The two young Alpha's furrow their brows, confused.

"Simon, she hardly has a scent..." Kyle explains, moving my hair and sniffing my neck closely as if to confirm. The action makes me whimper and blush like a little girl with a crush. How embarrassing!

Ghost growls.

"Yeah Si, she only started giving off a faint scent this morning, the drugs are still in her system" Johnny explains.

The skull mask turns and leaves, muttering angrily under his breath that I couldn't hear.

I turn once he has left and look sadly up to Kyle and Johnny. "I-I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to cause an issue. I can go away if you want..?"

*Johnny's POV*

Interesting. Very very interesting. Simon says she reeks. Simon went into early rut. Simon lashed out at a rookie Alpha for standing too close. Was he even nearby or did he just smell her scent change if it's that strong for him? Hmmmm.

I think I have an idea...

I grab her hand and prevent her from spiraling into a depressive episode when she offers to leave. "No lass, you're staying right here with me and Kyle" I can't help but smirk. "Clever little lass riling Si up, huh? Maybe you do have a scent after all? Should we take you to the doctors after lunch and see what they think of you?"

Laika's (Y/N's) POV*

I whimper but nod. "Will you - will you both come with me?" - "Aye" - "Yes of course we will, love" they both respond.

I smile up at them.

"Thank you -..." I say but then stop myself, smiling instead.

I almost slipped up and said Alphas after thanking them.

What the FUCK was going on with me..?

[bonny-kookoo]

I've missed bad habits a couple so f-ing much omfg- :(( Do you think we could get a glimpse into how they're doing now? *of course, no pressure at all! <33*

I'll take any chance I can to write for them no joke

"Do you think she'll like me?" jungkook wonders as he makes your hot chocolate on the stove- with marshmallows, something you've said you're craving.

"You're her dad." You giggle, legs swinging a little as you sit at the small kitchen table. "Of course she'll love you." You reassure, while he stirs the pot of milking chocolate so they mix evenly.

"But what.. if we fight in the future?" He worries. "If she wants to, I don't know, go out clubbing at fourteen and I'll have to tell her she's not old enough-" He worries, taking the pot off the flame to pour it into a large cup for you.

"Then she'll forgive you." You softly say. "And also that's so far in the future. She's not even born yet!" You remind him as he puts a generous amount of tiny marshmallows before he puts the cup in front of your eagerly waiting form.

"But soon!" He whines as he sits down across from you. "Maybe tomorrow! Or tonight!" He complains, and you know he's stressing. You're not even close to your due date yet, but that doesn't reassure Jungkook whatsoever. The sight of you waddling around with your very visible baby bump is enough to make him feel stressed- constantly telling you to sit back down, that he'll get you stuff, that he'll do stuff for you instead.

He almost has a near heart attack when he saw you walk down the steps of the apartment building towards him as you'd sheepishly told him you wanted to go get some gummy candies while he was at work- unaware that he'd be coming home early.

Ever since then, he'd asked for time off, giving them the reason of your high risk pregnancy and the fact that you're up to no good the second he takes his eyes off of you.

"Jungkookie?" You ask, snapping him out of his thoughts. "Don't spoil her too much when she's born." You say, and his eyes widen in a dramatic expression of offense.

"What? But she's my princess!" He exclaims.

"I know, it's very visible from all the toys she already has in her room." You tease.

"Yeah well, she- I just want to.. you know.. have what she wants when she gets here.." he pouts to himself. "We can sort them out later.." he says, when your hand holds his, a smile on your face.

"Dont worry so much." You tell him, and he nods-

Though you know, he just can't help himself.

[purlturtle]

I have a toothache.

i have a headache.

I am exhausted.

So far in this rehab, I've had 6 out of 8 days be godawful, with migraines, overwhelm, meltdowns.

I also have the shits.

My neck and shoulders are hard as granite from tension; they crackle and groan constantly, and the bed here is shit.

I have tinnitus, both constant and stress-induced spikes.

No one can tell me what is going on with me; my bloodworks are clear, my blood pressure is fine, my EKG is fine, my lungs are fine; there's nothing "physically wrong" with me.

And yet I lasted only fifteen minutes in aqua gymnastics today because it was so so so so much too loud. (I have since spoken with the doctor to see that aqua gym is taken off my schedule henceforth.)

And yet every single meal in this place's food hall makes me feel like a hunted animal because it is so so so much too loud. (I have since learned that I can take my meals back to my room, but for that I still have to go in there and grab them.) (Food can make me so happy, but the food here? Is not happy-making.)

And yet art therapy is literally grating on my nerves because people work with soapstone and that means: grating. Constantly. Sometimes drilling, too. (I'd love to do more art and there's free workshop use that you can sign up for but so far I haven't been up to it.)

And yet half of the other gym and yoga classes I've been able to take so far (I had to cancel so many already because of "feel like shit" disease), have given me muscle cramps and soreness that led directly to yet another migraine. I *kinda* have an idea which exercises in particular are bad, but when there's a new one on the list, obviously I only know it was bad for me when I'm in bed with another migraine. I don't even know if that aqua gym fiasco described above is gonna be worth anything or if *that* is gonna give me a migraine too. And I can't relax in bed because bed uncomfy. You feel me?

And yet group therapy is counterproductive because, one, I *already know* all that stuff and feel like I'm in a language 101 class except my skill in that language is like 401. And two, seeing as I am a social worker and also hyper empathic, listening to the others means my brain analyzes and commiserates and comes up with ideas for solutions and diagnoses and that is not my fucking job!!! But it's also not something I can just stop doing!!! (I've since talked with the therapist that it doesn't make sense for me to go to group therapy anymore.) (Also, I get 1 session of 30 minutes per week of individual therapy, which is the only thing that I feel helps but is obviously nowhere near enough.)

I'm here to find help, to destress and *learn* how to destress, to hopefully handle my life better because right now I can just about handle everyday things if I don't have to work, but working is kinda a prerequisite for life, because with no diagnosis whatsoever I also have no chance to be eligible for disability pay.

And yeah it's only been one week out of five but GOD I am tired. I am so done. And it's hard to keep up hope in the face of all of the above.

(I don't think it's Chronic Fatigue; I have no PEM that I'm aware of. Two separate doctor's practices have ruled out ADHD. I've seen several therapists and psychiatrists and have gotten a different diagnosis from each of them, with the rider of "doesn't really fit but we have to put *something*." I have no idea what's wrong with me or what to do about it or how to get better, and that is no help at all whatsoever, either. If I at least had *something* to go on, but nope. My best guess is that this is a prolongued high stress situation that's out of control and impacting all kinds of bodily systems and balances, but that is not a diagnosis either. I feel like I don't even have any straws to grasp, honestly.)

Someone give me 5 million dollars so that I just don't have to work anymore; I think that would be a start.

[storkmuffin]

Do you believe hwa is the only queer member of ateez? i’d love to know your opinion on who + why anyone else is/isnt!

I hope this won't disappoint you too much, but I am going to use this ask to put together thoughts that have been percolating in my head from all the reading I've been doing about Kpop. I may or may not answer the actual question, but we'll see how this goes as I write it out.

Gay people in America and Europe have the right to marriage and explicit laws protecting them against discrimination. Gay people in Korea have none of those things and as a consequence, nobody is out unless they're professionally gay, and these people are TINY in number.

There is a LOT of 4th Gen Kpop Idols' content that is queerbaiting, gay-for-pay, or maybe actually queer, whatever, but if you recall, my thoughts on why I think Hwa in particular is walking the line between being out and not out, but reads to me as queer was based on a bunch of different things he has said and done that seem to me far beyond the usual 'fan service.'

There's something specifically Korean about my reticence to speculate about whether someone is gay or not when they don't seem to be putting it out there above and beyond Fan Service. It has to be cultural, based on what I could find in the nine books I've read to date about Kpop, all written by Koreans from a Korean POV.

Femidology, a compilation of Korean feminist analyses about kpop content, had a whole section about how the overseas audiences definitely reads Boy Idol content as "queer." They use the English term, Queer, 퀴어, to describe this, but explain the reason for why Kpop Boy Idol content in fact is subject to Queer Hegemony like this: KPop is under pressure to prioritize 'new' and 'interesting' types of performance and content, and much of this 'freshness' can be easily mined by breaking free of Regulation Standard masculinity.

These Korean feminist scholars also state, categorically, that Fan Service involving queer-looking performances are de rigueur for Kpop Boy Idols because this is what overseas audiences demand. BoyLove stuff is effective at gathering overseas fans and helping the groups become well known overseas, they write. In short, the unspoken (by the scholars) assumption is very blatantly that BoyLove behavior by Kpop Boy Band members is simply and fully a form of marketing activity, exactly like how they used to have beautiful models in bikinis making come-hither faces at the camera to sell stuff to men. Nobody actually thought that the model was actually getting sexually turned on in real time in those ads, right?

The feminist scholars were ABSOLUTELY SILENT as to whether these Boy Idols engaging in creating BL content as marketing strategies were themselves actually queer, or could be representation for actually queer people in Korea. No comment whatsoever. Zero.

I suspect that to point out actual people who haven't outed themselves to be gay may in fact be prosecutable defamation but I am not in the mood to suddenly do legal research about Korean law right now, so if you care about this, please feel free.

The ethnomusicologist who wrote another book (음악인류학자의 케이팝하기), outlining in agonizing and precise detail about her engagement in fandom of a boyband called AB6IX, wrote a whole section on how she took to buying the same clothes as her Ult in that group because she wanted to break the 'gender norms' of being a woman in Korean society. She even goes so far as to copy out the entire lyrics of a song, "Rose Scent Kiss," that she says foreign sexual minorities have taken to be a 'Pride" song (the word 'gay' and 'queer' are omitted) and stays ENTIRELY SILENT on whether she thinks her Ult is queer, gay, gender-non-conforming, or if she thinks he meant to sing a queer pride song or anything like that. She just reports that foreigners have engaged this way with this song and NO COMMENT AT ALL otherwise, not even to say whether she thinks reading the lyrics that way is valid or if she disagrees.

The scholars who wrote Femidology pointed out that while Kpop has become a political and politicized entity overseas as being on the side of minorities of all types, the Kpop idol culture inside Korea is completely apolitical. They say that this is a source of conflict and friction between 'domestic' and 'overseas' audiences of Kpop, and maybe I'm straddling the borders of that divide right this minute.

Moving away from explicitly or implicitly feminist scholars 'reading' cultural texts, the Kpop industry survey book I read, 케이팝 씬의 순간들, said that Korean fandoms have a tendency to forbear tying controversial or sensitive issues to their fandoms, whereas overseas fans politicized and politically engaged with Kpop from the start. That book said that Kpop companies have never been swift or explicit or clear in addressing any controversies or debates, no matter which type of fan demands it. The survey book about the Kpop industry said that Kpop is a high-context society, and its culture is not to make its positions on anything concrete and obvious. The unspoken reason? Because being rigidly locked into a position makes you less marketable.

Going to tumblr to engage with Ateez fandom, because overseas fandom is much bigger for this group than domestically has been curious with regards to this issue. What I, a Korean woman receiving the content in my native language, see as just a type of dance that Boy Idols do because the overwhelmingly majority straight girl Korean fans want to see them be lovey dovey with someone but not have actual girlfriends, many Western fans seem to read (more than read - insist, and if you don't agree, attack you) as being literal (but covert?) expressions of actual gayness.

What none of the academics do is wonder WHY overseas audiences all want BL performances from Korean Boy popstars. I would ask the question this way - Have Western audience ever accepted and WOULD they ever accept Korean men as hard rock musicians, punk musicians, heavy metal musicians - ultra masculine, way-macho, very loud, high testosterone etc?

I have to ask this because there is a very long history of seeing East Asian men as simply not being as manly, as dominant, as masculine, as heterosexually virile or viable, and as sexual in general as other races of men - black, white, middle eastern, southwest asian. Throwing caution to the wind, I would say that people who want to feminize someone like Wooyoung, and deny his obvious manliness, are uncritically giving into this received racist impulse, and I find them very distasteful for that reason. ... Oh great. I just accused a whole lot of potentially innocent people of perpetuating Orientalist and Colonialist emasculation of East Asian men, OH boy WHAT A PEACEFUL WAY TO START MY WEEKEND.

To answer the actual question asked, if you're still here:

I haven't seen anything beyond what just looks like BL Fan Service by straight boys to me from any other member of Ateez. And I will also say - Seonghwa doesn't engage in this kind of content very much.

There have been instances where the guys (Seonghwa inclusive!) seem to be protesting straightness, but then, as the whole discussion above shows, they can't be out so does it count? Most overseas fans would say no, right?

For example, in their "Fridge" reality content, Yeosang tells a story about being gifted a little drink by an early fan and female classmate in high school. The ones who went to all boys' schools look wistfully jealous and say that they don't have experiences like that. Then Wooyoung says to Seonghwa, But I mean, a boy could've given you one! to which Seonghwa yells, I DON'T WANT THAT!

I have seen San loudly object, once in English and another time in Korean, to gay speculation about him. There's one where a girl told him her boyfriend thinks he's hot, and he gives her a stern look, confirms that it's her boyfriend who says this, and says, Sorry Bro! The Korean content is where Woosan visit an ex Idol or something, an older man, and tell him about the friendship tattoo they got. The man goes, "Wait, the two of you got matching tattoos? Just the two of you?? Uh, that's... strange, you guys!" and makes a face and an uncomfortable mouth sound. San, who has been respectful to the point of mutism so far, turns and yells IT'S NOT ANYTHING LIKE THAT! The caption they put in under him goes WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU IMAGINING?! (the indignation and implied outrage is very clear).

I did wonder what to make of Mingi answering the "Will you marry Yunho oppa?" question once asked of him on a live with, "Marriage between men is not legally possible in Korea," but in the highly specific context of how he speaks to his fans, it's more valid to me to read this as I am straight, and I find your imposing your sexual fantasies about me fucking my best friend who I grew up with disgusting but I can't yell at you because there are 10,000 people on this call that are all recording it and I'm aware as a savvy show biz old hand that this speculation sells tickets and albums rather than a confession that he's going to marry Yunho if gay marriage ever gets legalized in S. Korea.

As I have been saying from the start - I think it's cute and fun for people to think Matz and Woosan are actually in love and dating and being young superstars together on world tour and romancing each other on stage. Do that as much as you want. Lots of Korean girls do it too, as visible in the internet chatter. But as you (hopefully) see, there are a lot of racial and historically informed aspects of this, as well as the strange quirks of Korean popular culture and fan demands, that give me a lot of qualms if I think about it too much.

[artofmyraid]

Hi, I've been a little busy, but I was struck by a sudden wave of inspiration that landed squarely on @anxiousapplepie 's Rose knights story. I've been enjoying it a lot for a while now, and I always planned to do this, but the inspiration to do it has hit me just now, lol.

Anyway, meet Myraid, Desire, and Tatsuo! Their actually OCs from my own stuff, but I routinely like to toss them around different worlds and adapt them into it! These three are my favorite little guys~

Now that's basically the summary of it. Under the cut-off, I'm about to fly off into a large ramble about each of them.

Myraid is a shaded red rose that grew up in a wild rose community until they eventually decided to get even more wild by leaving their community on a journey of re-self discovery! In which they have a clone and adopt, pick up a very confused coloured dragon/green rose. :3

Along the way they've been working on how much they can improve their magic as they travel, they refuse to settle for middling magic and when their not out exploring particularly dangerous areas, their trying to improve their stats as much as possible.

At first glance, Myraid seems to be a very typical red rose, they always appear passionate about what their doing, and are clearly devoted(obsessed) to desiree and Tatsuo. But that's just what they want you to think, ever since they first became a red rose, they've put a lot of effort into being an over the top, passionate, red rose (because the truth of the matter is, they haven't really felt all that passionate about anything theyve done in their life), it's almost hard to believe desiree is their clone since their so much more subdued than Myraid to the point their already gaining a completely diffrent colour.

This behavior has no consequences whatsoever. What? Doodle on the ref sheet, you say? Why, I dont know how that got there! :)

Next up, Desiree, the teeny tiny clone of Myraid. Their still quite young, but their already forming a very different identity to Myraid. But for now their being dragged around by their overzealous parent, they mostly don't mind all that much, but they do become way more bothered when Myraid decides to pick up Tatsuo. They were perfectly fine when it was just the two of them, they cannot believe their stringing along someone else.

As you can see, Desiree has chosen to speed run as many colours as they can in a short time period, going from gaining their first colour of shaded red to almost immediately picking up black! Going so fast the white hasn't even had a chance to fade away! (Eventually once the white does go away, they'll end up being multicolored with both red and black.) Which is also the case with their stats, Desiree's current stats are the ones with decimals and the brackets are their stats after they transition colours fully.

Finally, Tatsuo, our little coloured dragon/green rose. Why both? That's because Tatsuo can't decide if they want to be more rose than dragon or more dragon than rose. They feel pressured to choose a side, but every time they feel like their ready to commit to being one or the other, their hit in the face with another realization that makes them fall back into uncertainty. Maybe they'll learn that they don't have to choose... Eventually.

Before Myraid and Desiree came along, Tatsuo was a drifter, exploring different rose and dragon settlements to learn more about them and the many different lifestyles of the races. They were hoping that if they could learn all they could, that maybe, just maybe they'd find something that felt right...

Throughout their time studying the two races and finally planning on maybe settling down as more of a dragon than rose, they get swept up by Myraid and Desiree, making them back pedal once more! How fun!

As you might have noticed, despite placing numbers by the stats for healing magic and power share their crossed out. This is because Tatsuo basically can't really use them (for healing magic I crossed it out as their healing is basically nonexistent by rose standard healing and probably about normal healing for dragons?) I was really interested in playing around with the coloued dragon/green rose's being able to have a mix of the abilities, which was really really hard to figure out how to balance, but it was fun to play with!

Well! That was even more than I first expected, I kinda went a little crazy with it! I didn't expect my original idea for the characters to change so quickly. They each basically went through two iterations before I decided on this one for all of them!

Close ups

[ask-postcrash-curly]

In all the Kendrick, I think the axept storytelling in good kid, m.a.a.d. city would distract you from some of your day to day shit.

(Mod, if you don't want to sit through an hour of an album, listen to the in between skits and then I recommend Sherane, The Art of Peer Pressure, Poetic Justice, good kid, m.a.a.d. city, sing about me (dying of thirst), and real)

Honestly, listening to this album has helped me understand growing up in a particular gang culture I never had to experience. I have so much love for yall in it, I wish you the greatness and safety and security our neighborhood could never provide

And Curly?

Thanks for listening. People don't often listen to people who look like me.

(You have the most mastery of the english language I've never seen. Share it with your brothers and sisters; your safety is found in expression and I love what you have contributed to the culture who made us.

I love you.

We love you.

I really did grow up with you, the culture. I love you.

I love you more as you become more different from me.

Thank you for shower how you live. I love you.

All I ask is that you remember me.

Promise that you will sing about me,

Promise that you will sing about me.

When the lights turn off, and it's my turn,

My main concern,

Promise that you will sing about me.

Promise that you will sing about me.

And I hope...

Promise that you will sing about me.

(Keisha's song is how I thought I would end up. I'm glad to be here.

Thank you for listening, mod. I needed it, and it means a lot.

I will always offer this to you. You are welcome in any/lack of faith here.

Thank you.

Yeah? Thank you. Could use a distraction.

...

This is... pretty sad stuff, huh. It's good though. Definitely good. Trying to put it together in my head.

I think.. I do understand some of it. Not all of it. But enough that I can tell it's important. And real.

A fatal attraction is common, and what we have common is pain.

...Huh. Good stuff.

Yeah. It's... it's all very good. And very sad. Thank you for showing it to me.

Hm?

Sure, of course. Least I can do after you took the time to share all this with me. Thanks for telling me your thoughts.

...

I know it's, uh. Not the same sort of thing whatsoever. But I've got a feeling that if I make it home I'll have the problem of no one listening to someone who looks like me, either. I... appreciate very much how many of you put in the effort to treat me like a person even if I don't exactly, well. Look like one. Not— not everyone does that. I hope you find people willing to listen to you. Sounds like you've got a lot to say.

(This was really very nice. Thank you again.)

[johnslittlespoon]

okay listen feral bikerider gale/past catching up to him/etc etc etc anon here and can I just say. thank you. I’m not overly interested in the actual violence or gang-shit or whatever. when I first read about the bikerider au all I could think about was sons of anarchy (idk if you’ve watched it, but I watched three seasons with my dad and it’s all just. gang conflict after gang conflict after gang conflict with some romance sprinkled on top and that’s not. really my thing) and I was not into it. at all. then your yapping (affectionate) converted me. hearing that it won’t be all weapon smuggling and, idk, drugs or smth is actually so reassuring lol

and!!! obviously it’s your fic/au, I’m definitely not here to try to influence you in any way whatsoever!!! I’m super excited to read it no matter what because your writing is just. lovely. I check in pretty much every morning like I’m reading the papers lmao

doing something semi-stupid in your past feels like kind of on brand for everyone, even though it might not be illegal for most. and maybe it wasn’t illegal for Gale, either, bro I am not a very good writer, I’ll leave the plotting to someone else.

but I’ll always love the idea of Gale being a little feral. or a lot feral. like John getting hurt in a bikerider au tickles my brain the same way John punching a German guard in canon centric fics does. Nevermind the guard, I just need the fallout. the angsty fallout.

John and Gale coming back home, and Gale sitting him down in the bathroom to very, very carefully patch him up (and, listen, the other guys probably just roughed him up a little. he probably got away with minor bruises and some scrapes), and Gale being insanely worried that he has scared John. John on the other hand is worried for Gale, because what if it happens again? What if the police finds out? John being worried that he somehow messed up.

and, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t mind reading feral gale beating the shit out of people. It’s just not something I want to read a full fic of.

finally, because I just need to add this, too: Gale’s knuckles being split and bleeding and John so very carefully cleaning them up, pressing gentle kisses to the cuts when he has to scrape the dried blood up to get it properly clean. Gale not being sure what he did to deserve John, being so sweet and gentle and caring.

okay, over and out 🫡 sorry for not being that clear in the other ask, I blame. idk, sleep deprivation. and sorry for making this so long, idk what I’m on about half the time and my meds are doing shit to my brain. I love your blog and your writing just. makes my fucking days. I’d wait forever for the next chapter of dog coded Bucky ❤️

YIPPIEE more leaving!bikeriders au >:) hii i meant to get back to this SO long ago, feels like good timing now with the bikeriders theatre day approaching! i'm assuming you're the anon from this post <3

i have THOUGHTS. aka this got lengthy oops, shocker. a bit of plotting and then like 2k words of drabble below the cut lmfaoo

the proper drabble will be further down, but first of all, very big agree!! and relieved i'm not the only one who feels this way omg. i haven't watched SOA for this reason specifically– i just don't have much interest in the conflict/violence–heavy plot stuff (which is ironic considering i'm excited for the bikeriders movie, but i think it's pretty clear that's because of the lovely cast lol since i don't care for bikes/cars in the slightest oops). HONOURED that my yapping converted you tho LOL i swear if something is character focussed, it can make 99% of topics at least somewhat appealing!

and please don't worry omg i don't feel influenced/pressured etc, i loveee bouncing ideas and brainrot back and forth for my aus, it's sm fun and i love trying to incorporate things other people like/suggest when i can!! <3 but omg i will weep thank you so much wtf?? :'))

for sure; even the most stoic/'put together' characters surely have done some not very bright things in their lives. i'm toying with a couple backstories for gale to establish what might catch up to him or cause conflict, but i'm gonna wait to decide until i see the movie because i have a feeling i'll get some good inspo from benny's story!

honestly it's the part i'll have to put the most effort into really thinking out in terms of plot to make it flow naturally, because all the relationship focussed things kinda write themselves as i brainrot. but i'm 99% sure i'm gonna write the fic from john's pov because it'll keep a lot of gale a mystery to the readers as well, and therefore save me from having to flesh out certain things until necessary lmfaoo

and yeah!! it's not always the events themselves that hit the hardest– it's the fact that the character could be feral enough for them to happen in the first place, and it's the outcome/fallout that's most fun to write/read (to me).

feral gale is so fun to explore in general because of how different it is to most of what we're shown of him in mota, so it's like a challenge to keep him feeling in character while also picking out the little parts of him that could be pushed to be that way. and of course the classic whump of the one person gale cares about and tries so hard to protect getting hurt because of him? endless angst possibilities.

i dig what you said, about john 'just' being roughed up a little, because i think with whatever backstory i end up forming, it's not like the 'bad guys' are gonna be some mastermind criminals extorting gale for something life or death lol. it's probably gonna be a bunch of rough and tumble biker men with some long lasting beef between their clubs, hitting gale where they know it'll hurt the worst: a loved one.

i bet you anything (depending on how plotting goes LOL) that they don't actually even intend to mess john up to the extent they do; i bet john runs his mouth and makes some sorta escape attempt because as terrified as he is, all he can think about is how gale's gonna obviously track him down and he's more worried about what the guys are planning to do to gale when he shows up. in his naive mind, if he can get out and get to a phone or something, he can stop everything.

ofc the escape attempt is futile because it's one gangly college kid vs a couple of grown ass men, and john gets banged up in the process, seeing as being tackled to the ground with your wrists bound behind your back doesn't leave you with anything to protect your face from concrete with, and maybe then he gets a solid fist to the face to scare him out of pulling anymore shit (it sure works).

and just the act of taking john/putting him danger alone would have gale ready to wring these men out by their necks, but when he shows up and sees his baby bleeding? and he can't tell how bad he's hurt, from where he's lurking around the corner scoping out the situation? he'd see red and be pretty dang close to saying fuck it and going in there without a plan, but the fear of john getting hurt in the process would stop him, and he doesn't feel like going down for murder.

somehow he picks off the guys one by one with a generous amount of flying fists and y'know, maybe a bit of knife–work if necessary, idk, future plotting lol, and tells them they're good as dead if they pull anything like this again. that the club will be keeping an eye out for them, that they're a buncha cowards, and they can come talk to him face to face like men, next time. you get it.

and then finally, obligatory wound care ofc <3 easily top three tropes ever ugh. gale gets john the fuck out of there and to the safety of his truck, methodical and vigilant, and only then does his guarded expression drop, and his hands are shaking just as hard as john's are when he cups john's face in his hands to look him over. john gives him a shell–shocked "'m fine, gale" and hates how guilty gale looks, because there's not even the tiniest part of john that blames gale for any of it; john knew what he was getting into (to an extent) with gale.

but regardless, gale's shaken up, terrified by how much worse things could've gone and how much danger john could've been in, but also terrified of how deeply he feels for john; probably some backstory there about gale seeing someone he loved get hurt, or almost get hurt, swearing he'd never bring someone into his life again because of it, etc, and then in waltzes stubborn, loud–mouthed john egan.

but selfishly (or what he feels is selfish), gale's also terrified that this might be the final nail in the coffin for john. he knows he's not the easiest to be with (even though john thinks the exact same thing about himself lol silly boys) and he knows john's more patient than he deserves, and could find someone his own age with a normal life in a heartbeat with his sweet disposition and charming pretty boy looks. and he knows john's well within his rights to walk away from their relationship now, to be scared of the future, to decide it's too much, and part of gale would be relieved to not have to worry, even if he'd miss john like he's lost half of himself.

it's real quiet when they're back home and john's sitting on the bathroom counter, gale between his legs, patching up his face so so gently, as if each brush of a cotton swab is an apology. both of them have lots to say but neither know how to say it; john hates knowing gale's probably shouldering all the blame and he doesn't know how to reassure him in a way that'll get through to him, but he can't handle the silence. probably makes a weak joke about how "y'shoulda seen the other guy" and doesn't even get a smile out of gale.

ends up wrapping his legs around gale's hips to pull him closer but just gets a huffed out, frustrated "john" as gale swats his ankles away, and it's not that john's trying to make light of what happened, he just doesn't know how to talk about something like that, regardless of how good he and gale have gotten at communicating.

john probably gets a bit frustrated, because gale’s already so protective over him as is, which he likes, but now gale’s treating him like glass, like he’s scared to hurt him further just by touching him, and john does not like that. it feels like progress undone, like he's back at the beginning of their relationship when gale wouldn't let him in or open up to him or trust that he was capable of making his own decisions.

so when gale's done bandaging him up with practiced, meticulous hands, john doesn't give gale time to react, just slides off the counter and snatches the little first aid kit from his hands and says "okay, your turn." and it's obvious gale wants to protest, but john catches him so off guard that he stunned into silence, lets john guide him until he's leaning against the counter.

john's hands still tremble when he takes gale's hands in his, and he tries to steady them because he doesn't want gale to see how freaked out he is, but he diligently cleans away the blood around his knuckles, feeling gale's eyes on him the whole time but not looking away from his task, scared he'll shatter the moment if he does.

if he were to look up though, he'd see gale's watching him in complete awe, struck by the fiercest wave of adoration, drawing a blank while he tries to search for what he could've possibly done in this life or another to have someone like john come (crashing, stumbling, tornado–ing) into his life.

and if we wanna make it extra yowch–y and sappy and feelings heavy: as john's brushing his lips over the cuts, dusting featherlight kisses across his knuckles, john's throat goes tight and he feels his own overwhelming rush of emotions and his heart thumps and he blurts out: "i love you."

it's the first time one of them says it. and it’s a disguised i love you even so. i love you despite. i love you anyway. i love you because. months worth of reassurances wrapped into three words, and even with what john's just gone through, he's still scared when it slips out, looks up at gale with wide, searching eyes, trying to gauge whether he's overstepped or said the wrong thing.

gale's just trying to catch his breath, feeling like the wind's been knocked out of him by the admission. half of him wants to shake his head, gently push john's hands away, tell him "no you don't, hun." a tiny part of him wants to be cruel about it, to laugh the honesty off and ensure john will walk out that door far, far away from the mess that gale is, and not turn back, safe from harm.

but the other half of him, the half that holds his heart, evidently, has him cupping john's open, sincere face in his hands, looking down into bright, fearful, hopeful blue eyes, and murmuring "i love you more."

and john blushes as hard as he did the first time they'd kissed, as hard as he did the first time he was laid out in gale's bed, as if he and gale haven't said a million things much more fluster–inducing since they met. gets all shy, pouts, looks down and mumbles "that's not fair," and that finally gets the first smile out of gale all day, maybe even a breath of a laugh.

they love each other your honour </333

this got way out of hand but what else is newwww i'm so weak for these two. so so weak. i keep saying it but MAN i'm so excited to write this fic this summer omg :')

and DON'T BE SORRY!! it's so chill omg, you were perfectly clear (but i'm glad you elaborated and gave me an excuse to yap about them some more hehehe) and never apologize for long messages, i loveee reading the brainrot and hearing ur thoughts and getting to brainrot back. and thank you AGAIN sobs 😭💗 that makes MY days and ur way too kind fml. i hope the wait hasn't been too long LOL on the chapters AND a response to this ask!! tysm again mwah

[freeuselandonorris]

I’m in the flipped situation of the person who was trying to introduce a vanilla partner to kinks and I just don’t know what to do

I’ve been on two dates with this person and I really like them but the kinks he’s into (cnc/degradation/breath play/daddy dom) are just not my jam for a host of reasons, not limited to being a bigger girl to whom guys haven’t always been nice and who was SAd as a teenager (and who has a wonderful relationship with her father and would be icked calling someone that’s not him daddy - I don’t even call him daddy lol)

How do you navigate feeling like you’re holding someone back? I was pretty sure the second date was heading towards him coming back to mine and I was fine with it until about halfway through the movie when I got gunshy and wound up dropping him off at the subway so he could just go home

ahh anon i'm sorry this is a horrible situation to be caught in.

first off, i want to say very clearly and upfront that not wanting to engage in certain kinks for any reason whatsoever is not holding that person back. it is having perfectly valid boundaries, which you are completely entitled to have.

this is even more relevant given that this guy is into some serious kinks. things like CNC and degradation are absolutely not something you should be fucking with if you're not 100% sure you at least want to give it a go. you don't mention here if you're into other kinks but these ones are not beginner-level. and even MORE so given that you have very valid reasons to find them triggering. so you are absolutely right to be saying no to them and i think your subconscious knew this when you got gunshy - your brain was protecting you from the possibility of an experience you knew would be distressing.

cut for length, more below.

have you spoken to him in any depth about his kinks and how fundamental to his sexuality they are? some peple are into these things but can happily live without them. is there a world where you could continue dating on the agreement that you are not and never will be into those specific kinks, and do you think he would be happy with that, or do you have a gut feeling he'd start to pressure or whine and try to wear you down? are you open to the potential of a poly relationship where he could practice kink with other people?

honestly, this is a sucky one. i think with some kinks there is a world in which you can still enjoy participating in things that aren't your thing - for instance, one of my partners isn't hugely into piss stuff, but loves that i love it, so will still participate in certain things like golden showers quite happily and get off on how much i get off on it. but the kinks your guy is into are heavily psychological edgeplay, and they're not the kind of things you can just go along with. hell, i love CNC and i've had to safeword out of the odd scene where my headspace just hasn't been right for it.

as much as i hope there is a way for you to figure things out, sometimes people are just incompatible despite getting on really well otherwise - in the same way that sometimes otherwise perfect couples stumble because one of them wants kids and the other doesn't, or one wants to open the relationship and the other doesn't.

obviously i only have a few paragraphs to go on here, but i think you have to do some soul-searching and some clear communicating with him about whether he is making you feel like you are holding him back by not going along with his kinks. if he is, then that's a pretty fucking huge red flag. on the other hand, if he's just casually mentioned that he's into this stuff offhand and you've got into a doom spiral about it, then...well, you still need to clearly communicate with him about it and explain that it's not your thing (and remember you don't have to go into a big explanation as to why and tell him your trauma! no is a complete sentence!).

but either way, not wanting to participate in a kink is completely your prerogative and if he can't accept that - even if it's just subtle sadfacing and "maybe you could just try it and see..." stuff - then run a mile. being vanilla, or being slightly kinky but not wanting to fuck with heavier edgeplay kinks, is just as valid a sexuality as someone who's into deranged shit. if anyone makes you feel otherwise, they're trying to shame you into going along with their desires and that, my friend, is cunt behaviour.

sending you love ❤️

[studentbyday]

Hey guys 👋🏻 Lately even if I sleep well, I've been finding it harder and harder to get out of bed and do my work, even if I still can feel excited about certain topics in my field (if they're presented in a different enough, positive context like new research that's happening in my area). @zzzzzestforlife told me that means I'm burnt out and that if I feel like I'm so busy I can't take 5 minutes to do anything extra, I should take a hour to just rest and rejuvenate because you won't actually fall that far behind in just an hour. Proverbially speaking. She actually prescribed that I take the weekend off 😅 And I trust her judgment because she knows the pace I work at (read: slower than her) and she's burnt out enough times to recognize the symptoms quickly and take action against it before it gets really out of hand.

So this weekend, I'm just going to rest (with the exception of the little bit of pathology assignment I still have to finish before Monday and reviewing a bit more for the immunology midterm on Wednesday...and a few very light admin tasks...God, as I type this, it's really tempting to just not take a break and keep working this weekend out of fear but I really don't think I should. I should preserve the bit of passion and enthusiasm I still have for my studies and return to them on Monday feeling refreshed enough to keep going, resting each weekend, until the end of the semester because I need to build sustainable habits if I want to take 5 courses / semester next year and come out of it still whole).

And I've kind of forgotten what rest mode is like?? So I need to do a little brainstorm...again. because this list will be a bit smaller and thus less overwhelming (to me in this burnt out state) than the one I shared before and I'll only be picking the activities that will actually be helpful for my current state (e.g. i am not aiming to wake up really early at all this weekend. that just puts unnecessary pressure because i just find that really really hard to do these days as the days get shorter and recently meditating just makes all my anxious thoughts re-surface so I think I need to try more active forms of mindfulness so the full strength of the emotions don't have to hit me and drain me so much). (And I am under no pressure whatsoever to do all of these. Just whatever I feel my body and soul are most called to do in the moment. I've forgotten how to rest in the busy-ness it's so weird...like i actually had to be reminded that real rest is not something you have to try really hard to do and if you do that then it ceases to be real rest, even if you're engaging in a supposedly restful activity. Why did I have to be reminded of something so common sense. I mean, I do know, but still. It's strange, the effect that extended periods of work mode has on the brain...)

Physical movement (pilates/yoga and walking in nature are still my current faves but I only walked in nature and did yoga once this week and my body is starting to complain about it...)

Practice piano (even if I think I suck...the only reason for that would be because I'm out of practice, so the more I practice and the sooner I start practicing, the better I'll sound. I haven't played since summer ended...)

Reading fiction (Maisie Dobbs is reliably calm yet uplifting and it's what I've been reading most of this week so I might continue that, but this weekend I'm going to slow down and get cozy, i.e. away from my desk, while I read)

Yapping with those who are dearest to me

Listening to music that is stimulating in a calming way (rn I'm thinking like slow classical choir stuff haha because you've got the harmony together with occasional notes that sing out above the rest and it's just really satisfying in a calming way...there are also a couple of piano pieces that have that kind of calming vibe like träumerei... There's also slow jazz.)

Do mundane things like the laundry (I need to change my bedding anyway), sorting and folding said laundry (i don't usually like folding haha so Zesty usually does that [thankfully], but i think there will be something extra comforting about the folding patterns this time and there's just a lot still to fold...), washing my water bottle, and basically just cleaning house because the act of moving and seeing all the dirt get gone because of it is therapeutic and a surprisingly good de-stressor

I was also supposed to do my weekly hair mask this weekend which I almost completely forgot about

[mik0is0bored]

"So, what does she feel?"

Warning: talks of depression, suicide, self-harm, swearing.

She's told not to feel emotion.

So she doesn't. She hides it all away. Happiness? Suppressed into a barely noticed smile. Frustration? A blank gaze. Sadness? Tears are forced down.

Out of sight, out of mind.

She's exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Insomnia and depression don't make a good duo.

She starts up at her ceiling at night. Questioning everything that led her to this point in life.

Who is she?

Why?

Is there purpose?

Vague, deep questions plague her nights, making it damn near impossible for her to fall asleep.

"I have insomnia. Can we make an appointment with my doctor?" She asked, the dark circles under her eyes have become more and more noticable.

"No. You just don't try to fall asleep."

She just nodded.

"Can I please get a therapist?" She'd beg. She hated asking for help, but she couldn't do this bullshit anymore.

"I'm sick and tired of you saying you need therapy. You don't. Your just dramatic"

She nodded and mumbled an apology.

She sat in the bathroom, crying.

"You can't feel emotion." Was the words her mother spat at her.

Mothers shouldn't talk in such a cruel way to their children.

Then again, she had been told "to go to hell" once before. What's new? Nothing is, it won't change.

Her mom walks into the bathroom. She had an eye doctor appointment soon. Tears poured from her eyes, frustrated with herself as she texted her friend of what had happened, who was her therapist, it seemed.

The friend who she trusted to say how she had been struggling, how her mother didn't make it any better. The thoughts she had. The things she'd done.

The two scars that always glared up at her from her wrist.

She regretted those scars. But she didn't regret telling her friend since it made her feel less shitty when stuff happened.

"Your dad is on his way home, clean your mascara."

She didn't want to. She wanted her father to see what she went through when he wasn't home, but she knew he probably wouldn't believe her.

She nodded, expression blank.

If mom didn't want emotion, she wouldn't get it.

Nods and quite hums and mumbles of "yeah," "okay," and several others served as responses for the rest of the night.

She'd state out at the night sky, sitting at the picnic table in the backyard, listening to music through her headphones.

More specifically, Billie Eilish's music. Not in any order, not any specific album. Just her music.

"But I see her in the back of my mind, all the time"

She remembered herself as a little girl. Younger, laughing, smiling.

"Man, am I the greatest, my congratulations."

Pressures, expectations, grades, everything weighed against her shoulders. And she hated it. Having to live up to things she couldn't accomplish

Like trying to reach for the stars, but always failing.

"Sorry, I don't know how (sorry)"

She wanted to understand how and why, and what led up to this. The laughing little girl she used to be, now this shell of a person.

"I don't wanna talk right now. I just wanna watch TV."

To get her mind off of the cruelties of the world. To get the harsh things spoken to her by her mother out of her head.

Even if it was just for a little while.

So, what does she feel?

She doesn't know.

She wants to die. But she keeps living. No, not for herself. Because if she did, she would've been dead awhile ago.

She lived for her friend, the one she told everything, trusted, and cared about.

What she felt was too complex for her to describe.

So to put it in other words.

She was exauhsted.

I felt compelled to write something deep and emotional for no reason whatsoever, maybe to get myself to feel better thsn I do. Did it help? I don't know. But I hope readers like reading this like I did writing it.

@mik0is0bored, please don't copy or plagiarize my work.

[thesmophorus]

31. What post have you seen recently that makes you wanna scream lmao <3

oh boy youre asking me for the spicy hot takes tonight huh. i am always happy to deliver <3 i dont want to put anyone in particular on blast so ill refrain from mentioning specific posts, but i do find that a lot of content lately in the helpol sphere has been very... surface level. a lot of moodboards, a lot of basics, 101 level content, stuff like 'the gods love you!!'. which isn't inherently a bad thing whatsoever. there is a need for that kind of content! however, i've also noticed in my 2 years on helpol tumblr that a lot of the reconstructionist blogs and informative blogs that i used to follow have either went inactive or deactivated entirely. and i can't help but wonder why this is. i think there's a lot of reasons for it: frustration with the shallowness of content leading to people going off and becoming more solitary practitioners, the more you grow in your practice the less compelled you may become to share it, but also i think a lot of people use tumblr and people's ask boxes as a search engine and that leads to a lot of burnout. it certainly did for me -- i took a hiatus from posting for a long time because i wasn't in a place to educate people. it's a lot of pressure, especially on tumblr where it feels like people will jump down your throat if you're incorrect about things or you suddenly become an Authority that people look up to when youre just a person. people who were posting really helpful and informative content about the theoi simply arent here anymore, and i really think the community's gravitation towards easily consumable content and reliance on people to do research for them is a large part of this. i realize not everyone is recon, which is very much okay, although i personally love being recon. that being said, i still think you should do your best to do your research and understand where these ideas come from. they didn't appear out of thin air -- mediterranean culture is very much alive still and is a continuation of the ancient world, and to not acknowledge or understand it is disrespectful to both the cultural context of the theoi and mediterranean people whose culture we claim to revere. i don't expect everyone to become an academic or a classicist. its not accessible to everyone for a variety of reasons, but i do think like. checking out some of the primary sources in a way thats accessible for you or picking one really good book to really deep dive into would benefit a lot of people. basically, i just wish i saw more in depth posts and people engaging on a deeper level with their faith and being willing to post it so we can have more discussions as a community and grow together. helpol is unique among other polytheistic religions because we have a wealth of primary sources available to us, and that isn't always the case for other polytheistic religions. i think it's... honestly kind of sad that we don't really talk about them. its not that i dont want to see peoples upg or that i dont think there should be posts for beginners, because there is a place for it and i enjoy that content too, but i wish there was more variety in the kinds of posts we have in the community. i miss the days when the tags were full of people writing their own prayers or people talking about a new source they read and what they thought, or compiling something for their own practice and being willing to share it with the community. i guess this is my sign to get back to posting my own original content and make the kind of content i want to see in hopes it'll encourage others to do the same. anyway i got on my little soapbox about this and its time for me to hop off before i hit character limit (again lmao). thank you so much for this ask, this was really refreshing and cathartic for me to talk about. may the gods bless you with health, happiness, and love always <33

[alaydabug2]

I freaking HATE being the "Good smart kid"

I used to love it and be proud

But I HATE it now

Context:

I'm the youngest (and only girl) of four siblings

All my brothers are significantly older than me

Like 5, 10 and 13 years

The thing is they're very booksmart

Key word

BOOKsmart

But they don't apply themselves and even try

2 of them were in gifted and beta but they dropped out and didn't care

1 (who has a genius IQ) ended up doing drugs and stealing and ended up in prison

One knocked 2 girls up (one baby mama being legit cray cray) and is a dead beat to both kids

1 nearly dropped out of highschool and us 19 married to a 28 year old with 3 kids (who only really seems to be there for his paycheck)

Well (minus when I was younger) I am the "good child"

I behave do well and apply myself in school

Just got into gifted and starting out freshman year with all honors classes and in beta

I LOVE learning and stuff

But the pressure is getting to be a LOT

Im known by my classmates for being the smart kid and they only really talk to me and include me for awnsers on stuff

They get mad when I try to just help and guide them instead of flat out giving the awnsers

With my parents I'm their "last hope" cause the other three screwed up

I've always been known as the happy little girl and so I don't like crying in front of them because I don't want to worry them

Especially about stupid like this

And I've always done well in school

SO MUCH SO that when I get any sort of grade below a 90 they ask me "are you ok do you need help"

And it makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough (even though they are objectively GOOD GRADES)

Even if they don't say anything when I see anything below a 90 I feel really dissappin in myself

Yeah those jokes about "Oh I did so bad on a test I got a 88"

Yeah that's me

Then furthermore

I just had to miss 2 weeks of the first weeks of school from surgery

And when I got all my makeup work I just had a breakdown because it was SO MUCH to do

First week of high-school EVER in honors

That's a lot

I had a full on BREAKDOWN cause I was stressed out and I didn't want to miss that much school

My mama got upset with me because I was having a freak out (cause I don't usually act like that)

It's not my parents are bad

Not at all whatsoever and love them so so so much

But I feel like I'm not allowed to mess up or get a bad grade now and again because I've always been known for the smart good happy girl

I feel like I can't stray from that in being afraid of dissappinting them and myself

The bar I set myself is so high cause I want to do something with my life because my brothers just dont

I feel like I need to make up for what they didn't do with the potential they had

I don't want them to be sad when I'm lonely at school cause I have friends (I guess)

But I'm not really included in the planning they do (like homecoming) and I don't want to ask to join cause I don't want to be needy and annoying

I'm sure they'd be fine if I did ask but I don't feel like I know them enough to do thay and I don't want to be weird

And when my mama asked me today if they did include me unlike my other school where I just sat and watched I just told her they dud cause I didn't want her to be sad

I literally don't know what's wrong with me

Ik they don't HAVE to be my friend and include me in everything

Thats why I don't ask

Cause they literally DONT have to

I don't want them to feel obligated to either

Cause I've been on that and of the aisle too

And being stuck around someone you don't like but pretend to tk not hurt their feelings sucks

But at the same time.... I just really miss my best friend

I just want to know why I can never get good friends who include me in things and listen

They're either toxic or I'm the pitty friend

Am I really that annoying

But then when I act "normal" and I'm more quiet I just still....

I feel like they don't like me

I've HEARS some of these girls talk about saying others are annoying thay I thought were friends and didn't want to hurt the others feelings

I always get scared I'm that friend

I'd stay by myself but

I CRAVE companionship

Ik some of you are happy to be on your own

But I'm not that

But I'm starting to think feeling lonely is just my best option at this point

I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it

I don't want tk worry my parents

I'm not gonna go around asking my friends "am I annoying"

By bsf lives an hour away

I just... don't know what to do about anything anymore