#no matter! if one person has made it through 200k+ words then they are more precious than rubies

[daisyachain]

the titanium bond between me and the [checks notes] apparently 15 readers of my fanfiction

[twilightknight17]

This time on P3R: ...it’s October 7th.

I finally got my aggressive dialogue option.

Before we start, I don’t know all of who’s reading these posts, obviously. (I’m guessing at least one person specifically though. ^_^) I can guess that most of you know P3 already. So you know what’s here, and you can probably tell that I’ve been talking around or not emphasizing some of the worst bits of this. Especially around Chidori.

That’s been for the benefit of people who may not know P3, or at the very least, know it mostly from my enthusiasm for Ryoji and/or reading just the opening of Hours. (I’m actually kind of entertained by the idea that there’s people who don’t know P3, who want to read my posts just to basically hear me tell them a story.)

But this next part has something that I cannot downplay. So, I will warn you when I get to it in this post, but we’re going to be confronting major topics of suicide. It does not happen, but it’s going to be talked about. So please mind yourselves if you’re reading along.

Anyway.

To start off with a lighter topic, I have saved all of the dorks who wandered into Tartarus, and have managed to get a solid chunk of money while doing so. After I sell all my bits and bobs, I should have at least 200K, which should keep me going for a while.

Fuuka also warned everyone not to drink the waterfalls in Tziah, which made me laugh for inside-joke reasons.

I find it funny and also kind of brilliant that whatever costume you're wearing is reflected in the menus. That’s a really nice detail.

(They could make however many variations of the menu, but not Hamu--) *shot*

Anyway, things are normal. We head back from Tartarus, sleep, head to school, clean up from the culture festival we didn’t have… Blech. I’m also off to the shops to upgrade my stuff with my new riches, so that means a chance to chat with the antique shop lady.

Seriously, who are you?? Are you a former Kirijo scientist?

Also, it’s good to see that my fave Escapade patron has recovered!

School is as nonsense as ever, as my math teacher is absent, so here’s Mr. Edogawa to ask more things about magic.

...are you SERIOUS. Max rank on BOTH and my academics STILL won’t level up???? My friend made a joke that Pharos is stealing my braincells, but honestly??? Maybe. If he’s taking half my braincells to recover his memories, maybe that’s why I never seem to get any smarter. X’D

I’m still working on social links and hangouts. Ken needs to go visit Sojiro in the future. He seems to have a serious appreciation for coffee. I’m sure Goro would take him to Leblanc. ^_^

Meanwhile, apparently you must be level 7 friends to be asked to join a cult.

I’m not giving you 132000 yen. I JUST stopped being broke. My soul will be fine.

At least Bebe is a lovely person to be around.

We also hang out with Shinji again, because apparently even with max courage, we still can’t finish the burger challenge. So I guess I have to max everything? Ugh. More fun to spend time learning to cook.

...hm. Oh dear. XD

It’s fine. The tempura turned out good, and Shinji tells me about how he learned to cook while working part-time at a restaurant. I’m kind of impressed how close I was on my Shinji characterization in Hours with just movie context.

I love him, and it’s killing me that I can’t social link enough to save him no matter what.

Time for school again, and Mr. Ono has finally reached the Sengoku Era. It’s time to talk about the era of the samurai. It gives me the option to sleep in class, but one, I need more academic points, and I can’t imagine sleeping through this guy’s first lecture on his favorite topic ever.

……..are you KIDDING ME ASDFKJDJGS:LDF

No, no, no. We’re not acknowledging this. We’re moving on. We’re still not smart enough to link with Mitsuru, but we can talk to Yukari now that we’re charismatic! Apparently she’s been waiting this long to apologize for some of the stuff she said on Yakushima. Which, it’s fine. We were all freaking out that night.

...she says “just kidding” after, but like… no she’s not. X’D

So one thing I’ve been missing is that apparently the console in the command room has been freaking out every month or so and recording video. I saw the first two of them because I was prompted to go look, but I haven’t looked since, and now there’s a bunch. One of each member of SEES, I think.

For a sec, I thought we were going to catch Pharos on camera, but no. Just Aigis sneaking into my room. XD I will say, though, that’s the night we supposedly went to Tartarus for Q. So now I’m wondering if it was a shared dream, and we were in meta-space only mentally.

That’s not out of the realm of possibility.

We’re never going to get answers, though, because Atlus gonna Atlus.

It’s definitely creepy that the dorm has cameras in everyone’s rooms. Mitsuru’s tape has her walking around in a towel. Like… Ikutsuki. Seriously. Dude.

I’ve also found my last social link that isn’t Mitsuru! It’s the Tower, a monk who hangs out in Escapade, believes that love and true friendship don’t exist, and is overall unpleasant to be around as he drinks and smokes.

No it’s not! I swear, all of my most unpleasant social links are the ones that are around when everyone else is busy. It’s like they know I don’t want to do them unless there’s no one else available. X’D

I sigh and carry on, because it’s time for the full moon! We’re off to Iwatodai Station to deal with the next two Arcana Shadows, Strength and Fortune. Shinji isn’t with us because he said he’d be late, and Ken isn’t with us because… he wasn’t in his room, and Junpei couldn’t find him. Which seems like something to be worried about, but we gotta deal with the shadows first.

Strength is very pretty, but it’s also shielding Fortune so that Fortune can keep doing its roulette wheel bullshit and throwing buffs and damage all over the place.

I got hit early on by “300 damage to everyone” and lost everyone but Minato, but I was able to recover, and it spent a lot of turns just causing everyone to have upgraded magic damage. Which I think benefited me more than them, because Minato was immune to wind, Yukari resists wind, and everyone else was trucking along admirably.

Strength was more of the tank, so once she went down, Fortune wasn’t too bad, despite another 300-damage spin. Shinji and Ken never showed up, though.

One, for fuck’s sake, at least wait until we’re safely home, Ikutsuki.

Two, the CHILD we are responsible for is MISSING. SIR.

Akihiko realizes it’s October 4th and runs off, and Mitsuru herds the rest of us back to the dorm.

And now.

This is your warning. The next part will discuss suicidal ideation and murder, so if you’d like to skip that, head to the next set of giant bold words and avert your eyes otherwise.

Right, okay. So now that we’re all on the same page, here we go.

Ken and Shinji are at Port Island Station, across the monorail.

Ken has called him here because he recognized Shinji as the reason that his mother is dead. He’s completely devoted his life to making sure that the person who killed her faces justice. And he’s here to take justice into his own hands.

The suffering that this kid has gone through… How much pain, for an eleven-year-old to consider killing himself? But he wants Shinji to die.

Cut to the rest of us, minus Akihiko, back at the dorm. It has finally dawned on Mitsuru what the significance of the date is, and she orders Fuuka to look for all three of them, urgently. Junpei asks what’s so important about today’s date, and Mitsuru reveals that it’s the day Ken’s mom died, two years ago. And that Shinjiro is the reason she’s dead.

They were hunting a rogue shadow in the city, and failed to account for civilians.

...why were Ken and his mom awake during the Dark Hour? Are we just not gonna mention that?

Either way, it was an accident, not a murder, but Ken thinks it was on purpose. And that’s horrible.

The rest of SEES heads for the station when Fuuka finds them, and we cut back to Ken and Shinji.

Shinji isn’t going to fight.

He tells Ken that the only reason not to do this is because taking a life will end up making Ken just like him. He tells Ken that what he did tore him up so badly that he left SEES and started taking suppressants. Ken, angry as hell, just thinks he’s begging for his life, but… He’s not. He doesn’t care about himself. He’s just worried about Ken.

Takaya shows up, because got forbid he not make things worse. He thinks Ken should go for it, because goading a child to commit murder is a great thing!

“Is it not permissible to kill those who are themselves killers?” NO. That just means you’re making more killers to replace them. The cycle of revenge is pointless. Not that Takaya cares, because he’s just going to kill Ken afterwards. He wants to get rid of us, since we keep destroying the shadows, but he calls it “salvation”.

Dude really has no qualms about killing a child.

Shinjiro, realizing that, gets between Ken and Takaya, and Takaya points out that Shinji is dying anyway from the suppressants. This upsets Ken.

The point is that you shouldn’t have been living solely for revenge. :/

Takaya points out that it shouldn’t matter whether he kills Ken or not.

So this kid has been living for two years just for the purpose of killing his mom’s killer and then himself. No wonder he doesn’t want to enjoy food or spend time with us in the dorm. No wonder he asked Minato to take care of Hamburger. He literally wasn’t planning to come back. He was just going to go off and die, and we wouldn’t have found either of them until it was too late.

We’re still almost too late.

But Shinji is not down for child murder and gets a fully-voiced “fuck”, because this situation deserves it.

And Takaya shoots him.

He asks, then, who our group’s navi is. Because we have to have someone as powerful or more powerful than Chidori, since we keep getting to the full moon shadows before Strega. And it’s clear that he wants to know so he can murder them, too. Shinji won’t answer, and Ken speaks up to claim that it’s him. That his navi abilities were the only reason they let a kid join them in the first place. Which isn’t a bad lie, but Ken…!

...he doesn't even try to get away from Takaya. Just shuts his eyes.

The gun goes off, but Shinji has forced himself up, and gets in the way again. He might have made it, but not with a second gunshot at point-blank range. And THAT’S when SEES arrives, and Takaya makes himself scarce. Because he’s too much of a coward to face us all at once. What, unwilling to try to gun down the whole group, you fucking bastard?

(Tumblr crunched the quality as punishment for me trying to cram too many screenshots in the post, so you might have to open the image in a new tab. X''''D)

Everything fades to black as Ken screams.

.

.

.

.

.

If you were skipping this section, you’re clear now.

It has been maybe seven hours since Shinjiro died, and we get a classic line that basically sums up how not-okay everyone in this game is.

Somehow, the school already knows. We have an assembly where the principal talks about the horrible sense of loss everyone feels because of this terrible tragedy. But the upperclassmen in the rows in front of us won’t stop muttering about how they didn’t even know an Aragaki was in their class, and how he was probably a delinquent, and how they heard he was shot in a senseless back-alley fight. They turn around to ask if we’d heard of him, but then decide nah, we were only second-years, of course we wouldn’t.

And FINALLY I get to say something rude.

Junpei follows to back me up immediately after, and we get scolded by the teacher. It’s not fair, but… There’s nothing we can do.

No one has seen Akihiko all day, but he shows up to the gym after everyone is gone to talk to Shinji. He… blames himself for this. He says he thought that if he was strong enough, he could protect everyone, the way he couldn’t protect his sister. But now Shinji is gone too.

He promises that from now on, he’s not just going to fight for the sake of getting stronger, and his persona evolves from Polydeuces to Caesar.

It makes sense, in a sad way, that he can’t be Pollux anymore when his brother Castor is gone.

Ow.

Mitsuru calls a meeting, because we have to decide what to do with Ken. But when she sends Aigis to fetch Ken from his room (on the second floor), he’s climbed out the window and is gone.

P3 really is just validating my Hours choices years later, because I had Mitsuru commenting about how they needed to put Goro on the third floor so he wouldn’t climb out a window. I genuinely didn’t realize that she had prior experience informing her decision. XDDDD

Anyway, Fuuka wants to go look for Ken, and Akihiko says we need to give him time. Personally, I’m with Fuuka, because I don’t think we should be letting a kid who is as… uh… emotionally unstable as Ken be on his own. Who knows what he’ll do in the state he’s in?

I can’t go hunting, though, and most of my social links are unavailable due to midterms in a week, so…

You know, I know the social links aren’t tied to main story progression, but dealing with this guy immediately after what happened just makes me angry. Fuck off, dude. Your cult is not saving anyone. Not you, not me, not my senpai who would have been INCREDIBLE to have as a brother. And you’re only doing this because you have to recruit someone for your bullshit.

After Suemitsu leaves, the guy whose son he scammed comes back, pointing him out to a thug that he apparently wants to beat him up. And honestly, if my option is to stop him from getting beaten up or not, I genuinely can’t say I will. I know he’s just an idiot teenager who got sucked into a cult, but I don’t like him.

There’s quite a few of my social links that are like “why am I spending time with this person still?” At least in P5 when people were tricky to link with, I still wanted to make an effort for the perks. (Not that there were any confidants in P5 I genuinely didn’t like. Not even Mishima.) But spending time with Tanaka, or Suemitsu, or Mutatsu? Why? Why keep coming back? :/

Akihiko finds Ken at Port Island Station, processing. Ken points out that his mom’s death was reported as a car accident, and no one ever knew the truth. And no one will know the truth about Shinjiro either.

Akihiko tells him that it’s his choice, but that if he wants to keep fighting, SEES will be there for him. And Ken decides that he’s going to keep going. His persona evolves from Nemesis to Kala-nemi, and he returns to the dorm, much to everyone’s relief.

The midnight hour strikes, and Pharos comes back to chat.

“You look a little tired.” No shit, honey. You’re waking me up at midnight.

We’ve been over this, it’s because you’re stealing my braincells.

We do get to tell him that we lost a friend. He says that he wouldn’t have understood that before, but he gets it now, because he has a friend. Grief and mourning in the face of death makes more sense now that he can fear losing someone.

Thanks, Pharos. You’re important to me, too. It’ll be okay. Just... stay with me. I can’t lose anyone else right now.

[moinsbienquekaworu]

RAM MY BELOVED hello hi happy Valentines (if you celebrate) hi

I just drove home while listening to my tomarry playlist and i need to tell you, i love themb so much and this song (Carnivore by Bear Attack! If the link doesnt work) is such a themb song and omg. I need to go reread love is touching souls. I need to finish typesetting it. I need to stop procrastinating buying printing materials and just bind it into a physical book. Themb.

But also, i was thinking about this fic thats currently sitting partially done in my google docs, thats endgame tomarry but currently drarry. And basic context: Harry becomes the DADA prof after a few years of being a failure of an auror and he and Ginny just finalized their divorce (nothing was Wrong Per Se, Ginny just realised shes a lesbian), and Hermione sets him up with Draco but theyre not really Great together theyre more just meh as a couple, but then Harry accidentally time travels back to 1945 (give ir take a few years) and teaches DADA during Tom's seventh year, and they get together and Harry knits Tom a Weasley sweater and etc etc etc BUT i couldnt figure out how to get them both back to The Present Day while not breaking up Harry and Draco BUT BUT BUT i realized i can just make it hella poly and itd still be cute!

Im telling you all of this as the person who got me into tomarry plus the first person i thought of when i put this playlist on, i hope this hinged-ness finds you well i love you <3

Love the idea of introducing someone else to the Tomarry relationship because we've all seen Tom and how he feels about sharing. Like I feel like any work with Tomarry + another character is like, 40% getting Tomarry together (all the Hurdles and Problems and such with those two) and then 60% Harry slowly making Tom stop hissing at whoever else because he has to share Harry with them and that's his soulmate. Yes even if he likes them too he's just Like That. He's so very not suited to polyamory, it would be extremely entertaining reading a fic trying to make it work.

I remember reading a fic back in Ye Olden Days that was a Drarry snippet with Severus looking in from the outside wishing he could be with Harry but Knowing Deep in his Soul that he was Wrong for him. I'd link it but I'm like 90% sure it was in french and I don't want to go looking through FFnet for it right now haha. Drarry just made me think of it. Oh and there was One good Drarry fic I loved, still in french, by and author who wrote banger after banger (all in french, yeah) on FFnet that introduced baby me to Supermassive Black Hole and the fact that you don't put two condoms on. It's Nothing Else Matters by Rose Malefoy if you want to look at the page and not understand the text haha (yes Malefoy with an e that's how it's spelt in french) Oh and my first Snarry was amnesiac Harry who was with Severus and forgets it so he gets into a relationship with Draco but then remembers and leaves him I think? It's been a while. I used to be into Drarry more but it's been years since I read some, since I discovered Snarry and all.

I think we should combine our poly Tomarry AUs to inflict the maximum amount of Situations on theses guys. Like throw in Draco throw in Severus and then let them take years and a lot of therapy to disentangle that mess and make a working polycule out of it. A bit like when you plop Sims in a house with full autonomy and wait for them to do something cool like starving themselves or making out with their brother's wife, except here I hope they'd figure it out and get a good ending at some point. Anyway.

Oh and in Tomarry news if you haven't tackled Draw me after you (let us run) by Toastranger you should go for it because now after about 200k words and 44 chapters Things have been Happening 👀 (I'm not subtle, they finally kissed is what happened) extremely fun fic, highly recommend once again. That said it is a time investment because I love long works

Your song rec is actually making me realise I don't have Tomarry songs? I have Obikin songs I have plenty of Snarry songs I have Johnlock songs and Kylux songs but nothing for these two. Ah well. I mean I guess The bog in the valley by the Irish Rovers is kind of a Harrymort song because it's a part of Dark Livestream but that's not very Tomarry specific. OH WAIT NO I do!! In the Daylight Again by Duplicity is named after a line from Salt and the Sea by the Lumineers so. One (1) Tomarry song. Good fic too, I can't make myself rereading it because it hurts my feelings :(( but it's really good

Cool song you got though! I've added it to my current playlist, love finding songs through other people and associating them to random stuff like that.

Anyway love you hope you have a good evening come back whenever you want <3

[taaroko]

Kid Loki fic: Love Is a Dagger

Loki spoilers through episode five!

Summary: Loki and Sylvie have made it past Alioth thanks to Old Loki's sacrifice. Three more people Kid Loki has lost, but he's pretty much used to it by now.

Between "I killed Thor," Old Loki fulfilling his glorious purpose, Lokigator being the absolute goodest boy, and that glimpse we got of Mjolnir and Throg, "Journey into Mystery" left me feeling very inspired. I hope you like it! 

Word count: 1131 Characters: Kid Loki, Lokigator, Throg

(Here’s the Ao3 link, or you can read it here.)

Loki should have helped them. He should’ve gone back when the old man did, but he was too afraid. He’d been running from Alioth for what felt like half his life—just the sort of existence he deserved after what he’d done.

“Hah! You fell for it! ...Thor? Thor! Stop it! The dagger was only a joke! Brother, get up!”

His throat grew tight and he scrubbed the back of a hand over his eyes. He bent down and picked up the battered helmet that was all that remained of the old man. Alligator Loki let out a wailing growl.

“I know,” said Loki. “I’m going to miss him too.” He’d met dozens of versions of himself down here, and he would be happy if he never saw most of them again, but the old man had been a friend. They’d looked after each other, and he didn’t treat Loki like a helpless child. The two new ones hadn’t been so bad either. He hoped they succeeded, wherever they were now.

“Come on. We shouldn’t stay here in the open.”

He got an inquisitive growl in reply.

“If they haven’t already killed each other, yeah.” He wasn’t deeply attached to the bunker where they’d been staying, but it was as decent a place as any to stay safe from Alioth. They could at least check to see whether the other Lokis were still there. Maybe set a trap in case they tried to come back.

They trudged across the fields of detritus. Alligator Loki got tired of walking before long and let Loki carry him. Loki didn’t mind. A lot of new things had fallen here since the last time he’d been out this way. He decided to have a look in case he could use any of it, which would give the other Lokis time to finish each other off if they were still fighting.

He found a functioning vehicle that looked like it could handle rough terrain pretty well and some interesting circuitry he might be able to rig to explode. Alligator Loki found an entire refrigerator full of meat that was still edible. Loki shrugged and heaved it onto his shoulder to load into the back of the vehicle. Once it was secure, he was about to ask if they should call it a day when he heard a quiet sound nearby. Like muffled croaking and something tinkling against glass. Alligator Loki looked up from the pieces of meat he’d been making short work of, a bit of one still dangling from the side of his mouth.

“I’m not sure,” said Loki. He held a finger to his lips, ducked down low, and conjured a dagger. They approached the source of the sounds slowly. Nothing jumped out at them to attack, and the sounds led them to a small ridge of rubbish. Loki looked at Alligator Loki, who nodded his big snout. Loki braced himself, then leapt out from behind the ridge.

There was nobody there. He frowned and looked down. His eyes widened and the dagger vanished from his hand. “Mjolnir?” he said. He had only seen the warhammer once before, when Father had shown him and Thor the relics in the Vault. According to stories he’d heard from other Lokis, the hammer was meant to be Thor’s, if he lived long enough to wield it.

Loki wished he hadn’t come this way. He could handle the endless copies of himself, but a Thor? He’d sooner let Alioth catch him than face one.

“Brother, please wake up! I didn’t mean it I swear!”

“Let’s get out of here.”

Alligator Loki didn’t move. He made an odd chirruping sound and bumped a glass jar with his nose. This resulted in a series of frantic croaks and ribbets. Curiosity overcoming his desire to leave, Loki grabbed the jar. Inside was a frog dressed in a winged helmet and full armor. Royal Asgardian armor.

He froze while the frog continued to beat webbed fists against the glass. Alligator Loki swiped at Loki’s foot and yipped impatiently. Heart pounding, Loki twisted the lid off the jar and reached in to scoop out the angry frog. The moment his fingers touched the slimy skin, he received a moderate zap of electricity—bad enough to be slightly painful but nowhere near enough to do real damage. “Hey!” he protested. The frog hopped out of the jar and landed on Mjolnir, still croaking angrily and stamping his webbed feet.

Alligator Loki lost what remained of his patience and bit Loki lightly on the leg. It was obvious what he wanted. Loki shouldn’t do it. He should run straight for the new vehicle and get as far away as he could. The ache in his chest wouldn’t let him. He raised a hand and felt for the enchantment around the frog. It wasn’t a spell he’d ever personally cast, but shapeshifting was easy, and apparently doing it to someone else wasn’t that much different. It took him a few minutes to study the spell. He found the loose threads of seidr in it and pulled. Green light engulfed the frog, and then a blond adolescent boy was standing in front of him.

“It’s about time you undid your stupid spell!” he shouted, his face bright red. “Were you really that jealous Father gave me Mjolnir that you had to ruin—” He broke off. “Are you crying, Loki?”

Tears were indeed pouring down Loki’s face. He fell to the ground and pulled his knees tight to his chest. “I’m sorry, Thor,” he said, his voice cracking horribly. “I’m so sorry.” Why was he being so stupid? It wasn’t even his Thor!

“I’m very glad you’re sorry for turning me into a frog,” said Thor, “but Loki, what’s going on? Why do you look two hundred years younger than you did this morning? Where are we? Why’s there a little alligator in a horned helmet hugging my leg?”

Loki wiped his eyes and accepted the hand Thor was holding out, letting himself get pulled to his feet. He stared up at Thor’s earnest, confused face. He was at least a foot taller than the Thor Loki remembered, and his hands and feet were far too big for the rest of him, but he was looking at him just the same as he always had. Suddenly it didn’t matter to Loki that this wasn’t his Thor. (And judging from the way Alligator Loki’s mouth was hanging open in a silly grin, it didn’t matter to him either.) “I can explain everything,” he said, “but it’s going to take a while and we need to get somewhere safe first.”

Thor bent to pick up Mjolnir (the weight of it made him sway a little; he obviously wasn’t used to it yet) and beamed at Loki. “Lead the way, Brother.”

--

I can't believe I made myself cry writing about a character who's only had ten minutes of screentime. I love this show.

This is most likely staying a one-shot, since I'm already 200K+ words deep into my other alternate timeline Brodinsons fic and it does not need competition for my creative energy, but it miiiiight end up being a couple chapters longer, because there are one or two more things I'd like them to do, especially if the final episode doesn't do anything else with Kid Loki.

[ughgclden]

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

[overdrivels]

TWtaH Notes

I’m finally free. It took three years and nearly 150k words, but I’m finally done. I can’t believe it. 

It started off as a simple idea and a simple premise: a chef!reader who, while knife sharpening, catches Hanzo’s attention. It then evolved into a full-fledged fic with a plot and plot twists. Originally, it was supposed to be around 10 chapters long, but then it grew out of control over the years as I tried to figure out how to end what I started. 

In addition to being a redemption fic, this was also an information dump fic. Since this is the very first slowburn I have ever finished and I have the feeling I won’t have much opportunity to do the same ever again--I don’t think any other fandom would give me the ability to showcase all these tidbits like Overwatch does--I literally threw as much knowledge as I could reasonably incorporate as possible.

About plot changes:

Most of the original plot points survived the writing process, some minor ones didn’t for plot related reasons, so this surprisingly went better than I thought it would. 

There was supposed to be another scene where Chef faced off against Reaper in chapter 20 or so, but upon reassessing Reaper’s character, I decided he wouldn’t do that, especially not against civilians or put himself in harm’s way just to say something to Chef. He wouldn’t even say anything to his family in the comics, what makes anyone think he’d do anything to someone he had even less of a personal relationship with?

There were supposed to be more scenes about Chef’s fencing, but I couldn’t fit it in and it ended up being a one-trick pony plot device. It wasn’t supposed to be that way, but that’s how it turned out. There was supposed to be a scene where Chef fights back against Talon during their infiltration of the Watchpoint.

There were points where Hanzo himself talked his way out of situations and forced me to change the plot. In the kitchen when he first meets Chef face-to-face, he wasn’t supposed to get the chef to forgive him which is the biggest plot deviation I’ve had and it forced me to reconsider large sections of the story. Honestly, I think it’s for the better though because I was really at a loss as to how to progress the original plot under those conditions.

I also wanted to emphasize that when Chef left, there was increased tension between the members. There was little commonality joining them all together except for the fact they all needed to eat. In order for some parties to work, you have to have your support characters, and in that case, it’d be Chef. But I seem to have bumbled through that bit and made it less impactful so if I ever got a chance to rewrite this, I’d probably stress this bit more.

Symmetra was supposed to have a much bigger role in this, somehow she fell to the wayside with that one plot change in the kitchen I mentioned before. On the flipside, Ana and McCree got a way bigger role than expected. 

One of the biggest plot changes was Hanzo hating peppers. Originally he was supposed to hate onions but I thought there was way too much onion in Japanese cuisine to omit them, so I thought of something that would seem more ‘childish’.

To be fair, I also don’t really like peppers all that much either. But I sure as hell love onions.

The proposal with the miso soup at the end, the plot twist where the chefs are the real treasure, and some other minor details have been there since the beginning of the idea’s conception. Things like Reaper trading Overwatch’s life for the tamale, the name of the restaurant, and Hanzo’s fight with Genji only came after the fic was being written. 

Real life:

Covid really took its toll on me since a lot of this fic revolved around food, tasting it, experiencing it, making it, etc. I lost a good portion of my taste and smell, and it’s not back 100% even months later, so a lot of what I begin to describe after a certain point is just based on memory. If a pre-pandemic world, I would have been running around the city, sampling foods and writing down my impressions, but with things as they were, it didn’t pan out that way.

I tried to stuff as many of my favorite foods (and not so favorite foods) here as much as possible. There were a lot of foods I omitted because there’s only so much I could fit in here. A companion compilation fic of the Overwatch characters eating their favorite foods or just eating food in general made by Chef sounds really appealing right now.

May, June, and July made me really want to expand the story and include things in the fic that would turn it ‘problematic’ or at least morally ambiguous. If I did that, this fic would never be finished. 

Characterization and development:

Junkrat and Roadhog are much more docile in this story than I would have headcanoned them simply because food security is life-changing. I really liked the idea of Roadhog using his farming skills and being less homicidal with the right environment. They both know food is sacred. 

Argus 20 is in reference to Argus Panoptes, the all-seeing many eyed giant from greek mythology. The 20 comes from “hindsight is 20-20” (but now 2020 has a very different connotation and I’m thinking it’s pretty fitting). The reason for this is because she oversaw a lot of what was happening especially in the front of house. It’s not mentioned in the story, but she oversaw things like purchasing the restaurant, setting up the dummy accounts, organizing and obfuscating the donations, etc.

In case there was any confusion, ‘Tanuja Deshmukh Singh’ is Asim’s deadname. When he left Overwatch and became Asim Singh, his family disowned him. He was then free to live as himself, but he never discarded his last name because he still wanted to be connected to his family in some vague way no matter how much they disliked or denied his existence.

Head Chef Richard has been in jail. His backstory is basically after firing his staff to protect them from the fall out, he basically told the press he fired them for insubordination and took the fall for the kitchens and got quietly arrested. He was sent to the same prison that Chef would end up at. He’s not a very honest man, I don’t think, but he’s a character who was molded by the story and its needs rather than being a pre-established OC. 

I kind of wanted to write the fic in a way where Argus and Asim weren’t bad guys but people who were forced to make difficult decisions because of the position they were put in by Chef and by Talon. Cause, you know, sometimes you do things to hurt people without realizing it.

I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to push another ship in the background. If you see hints of different pairings here and there, you may be seeing it right because I kept flip-flopping between chapters as to whether I wanted to or not, and if I decided I did, I kept changing the pairings.

Hanzo. Where do I even start with this guy? I had a really tough time trying to stick to one interpretation of his character. I kept reading other fics and going, “Yeah. Yeah! I want that!” But then it just became a huge mish-mash of characterizations until I wasn’t sure who he was anymore. But I clung onto the thought of “he’s the first son of an Asian household dealing with his spoiled brother” to help get me through it. It reminds me of that tweet that goes, “You think you can hurt me? I’m the eldest daughter in an asian family.” It was so relatable. Channeling eldest sibling in asian family vibes. 

Chef. It was so hard. It was so damn hard writing a faceless character for so many words. I can usually do it in a one-shot because I can get away with not mentioning stuff, but in a slowburn?? It’s so difficult. Multiple times I had to stop myself or revise things because there were characters talking about Chef and I didn’t want to make the dialogue unnatural by saying ‘chef’ ‘chef’ over and over again. There were other moments like Soldier carrying Chef out of the Cellar and I was like: “What if the reader is taller than Soldier?!” It was a struggle. The other struggle was characterization. There were so many in-story stressful moments that I wanted Chef to start crying at but the timing of it was so frequent that I had to nix most of them or risk making Chef unrelatable. 

lol i’ve made several pseudo-cameos in the story because I’m shameless. 

Miscellaneous:

Man, my style changed so many times throughout the story. At some point I ended up writing outlines made solely of dialogue and wrote the story around it. It was oddly distressing when I realized my words wouldn’t come out like they used to.  

This fic has seen me through a ridiculous amount of crap. I kind of wished I kept a journal or something because these past three years have been nuts. 

After this, I’ll probably retire from writing Overwatch and then go into my usual writing hibernation that spans about 4 years before I reemerge with an unquenchable thirst for something stupid. 

In my nearly 20 years of writing fanfic, this is the first slowburn I’ve ever completed. To be fair, the last time I even tried was like...over 10 years ago when mediaminer was still a thing and didn’t ban CYOAs.

This was also the longest single fic I’ve ever written. I have wirtten 200k in a year before but never for any single thing.

God, this was hard. I partially did it to prove that you don’t need to use placeholders like ‘Y/N’ and stuff like that and it was possible to write a slowburn with gender neutral stuff, but I had to cheat a bit. But it’s done. 

I’ve worked in the restaurant business for a few years but not as a chef. It wasn’t even high-end either. I wanted to talk about the work conditions because it’s pretty tough in the kitchens and the amount of drugs and vices people turn to and the conditions in which people come to work is nuts. 

I wanted to cover a lot of controversial topics to see if I could but it just didn’t fit in the story. I wanted to tap into things like social justice, racism, prejudices, political landscapes, and so on. Even within Overwatch, I’d imagine there’s a lot of tensions stemming from just basic ideologies. I wanted to see if I could write about both (or more) sides of challenging arguments and still remove the author’s opinions from the story, but I’d imagine that’ll bring its own complications. Last thing I wanted was to start a fight in the comments or something.

I almost made the crew travel to Asia with implications of a changed geo-political sphere from today. Like...the status of Taiwan would’ve been interesting to touch upon, but I didn’t feel like I had the knowledge to expand on it enough.

Almost every waking of my life, I have thought or worked on this fic. During meetings, during conferences, during client calls, while I’m on public transportation, in different countries. I don’t know what to do with myself now.

Anyway, if you have any questions or anything or just want to shout at me, inbox is open.. For now I’m just going to lament over the fact that Genshin Impact gives me motion sickness and I can’t play despite working so hard to roll Mona.

[1989xtaylorsversion]

tana mongeau should not be influencing anyone.

the term “influencer” has been tossed around frivolously for years, and often it’s for people who don’t deserve it. i cringe everytime i call someone an influencer, or worse when they call themselves one. look, i get it. it’s a lot easier to say you’re an influencer than to explain why your mediocre 15 second dance videos on tiktok gave you millions of followers. however, as social media influence grows and more people are dropping out of school or not going at all, in order to pursue the celebrity lifestyle, the list of influencers has expanded. it’s transcended just YouTube, and now you have tiktok stars and instagram models. when you really look at how many people are reaping the benefits of being an influencer, you start to wonder, who actually deserves to wear that title proudly, and who, for lack of a better word, just sucks. one person i believe falls under the latter is miss tana mongeau.

TANA MONGEAU: THE INTRO

tana mongeau is a 22 year old YouTuber who sort of hit mainstream success a few years ago. there’s a chance you’ve heard of her, even if you’re not a regular subscriber, and i wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t. i’ll be straight up and admit that i do not like her, and i’ve felt this way for a long time. i wish i could sit here and write about all the amazing things she’s done to help the world and use her influence for good, but i can’t because it’s simply not true. she’s been famous for years now, and her legacy isn’t made up of positivity, but rather scandals and immaturity. i don’t think tana is an evil mastermind, but i don’t think she is a good person. i think she’s incredibly disrespectful and has got a lot of growing up to do.

 TANA DOESN’T DESERVE HER PLATFORM

tana has a pattern of behavior that we’ve all become accustomed to, meaning she’ll mess up, take forever to issue a half-hearted apology, emphasize the point that she’s learned, grown, and bettered herself, and then go back to business as usual. she likes to harp on the fact that she’s only human, and she makes mistakes. while that is true, not all humans make the same mistakes. tana reminds me a lot of serena van der woodsen from gossip girl. they both claim that with each scandal they come out on the other side a better person, but they don’t. they claim to change, but they don’t. when you make the same mistakes over and over again, you’re not a changed person, you’re simply the same. that’s one of my biggest gripes with tana, because if she actually cared enough, she could self reflect and really learn. but she doesn’t. it smacks of disrespect and immaturity. she makes a lot of bold claims in her apology videos (and she’s got a lot), about how she grew, but where is the growth?? i haven't seen it, have you?

this brings me to my original point, which is why tana doesn’t deserve a platform. i don’t want to write about every horrible thing she’s done in great detail because it’s been done many times, but i’ll briefly mention certain things i believe to be important.

first and foremost, she has an extensive racist past that seems to make a comeback every year. it seems to be an annual tradition for tana to have some racist video, tweet, or remark come back to her present life. her past quite literally catches up to her, and she’s had to apologize for it at least three times (i’ve kind of lost track). it’s ridiculous and problematic, but anyone with a modicum of intelligence can understand that. her recent apology video - which was likely scripted- is a slap in the face to everyone she’s hurt and offended because it took her months to make it, and she couldn’t even be bothered to sift through the blatant contradictions she spewed.

speaking of her apology video, another reason why she was under intense criticism during that time was because she was partying throughout the pandemic. i know, i couldn’t believe it either. or maybe i could because tana is one of the most disrespectful people i’ve ever seen. she partied for months throughout the pandemic in the beginning, and still hangs around large groups of people. newsflash miss mongeau, for some reason children watch you and vociferously defend you online because they’re under your influence. a blue check mark doesn't exempt you from the coronavirus. if you had stayed home and not made yourself look like a clown who doesn’t care about the health of others, maybe you wouldn’t have had to issue your tenth apology. it’s so frustrating watching her act like this knowing she has so much influence and instead of using it for good, she goes out and does this.

my problem with influencers is the fact that they like to pick and choose when they want to be one. when they’re getting positive feedback, fame, and money, they love it. they love having an influence over millions of people, and flexing their success. but, when it comes time to actually do something good for the world, and tweet out some petitions, informational posts, or stand up for the right thing or issue proper apologies for when they inevitably screw up, suddenly they never asked to be an influencer. that’s when they decide that they didn’t ask for that kind of life, so we should just cut them some slack. another newsflash, it doesn’t matter if you asked for it. a lot of people don’t, but a lot of people also realize that they’re in a privileged position to use their power for good, and take on that responsibility. that’s why influencers drive me crazy. they have hundreds of thousands or millions of followers, and they don’t use it for anything other than selfies. 

in my last post i talked about emma macdonald, and i’ll bring her up again, because she’s guilty of doing this as well. she posted about blm once over the summer, and then never again. i understand some people don’t want to bring up politics in everything, but you don’t have to post. a simple ig story would’ve been fine, and still spread the information. she’s just one example out of hundreds, but you get the point. whether you have 200k followers or 2 million, you still have an audience, and people follow you because they like and trust you, which gives you power. so much has happened in this country since may, and so many influencers have stayed silent. if you’re not going to use your huge platform for something meaningful, why do you even have one? it just smacks of performative activism, and it’s not a cute look. 

if you don’t want to be an influencer with loyal fans, and you don’t want the pressure of being a somewhat good example, then don’t expect people to care when you release a trashy single, have an mtv reality show, or when you hold a convention in the name of revenge. yeah, i’m looking at you tana, those are all things you’ve done because you’re an influencer with followers and money.

 OVERALL THOUGHTS

i realize i’m probably ranting, but that’s what people like tana will do to you. she has so much potential, and admittedly, she’s had her good moments. her open conversations about mental health and her rough upbringing is interesting to hear about, and i’m sure it helps people feel less alone. i actually like hearing about her early life because her need for an escape away from her toxic family was the reason she started her channel. those are the relatable moments that attracts people and makes her seem human, not her racist past from when she was 15. i wish she’d actually take time away from being so problematic and seriously self reflect and grow. she’s not getting younger, and her maturity level isn’t catching up with her. the older she gets, the more she acts like a child, and it’s frustrating.

unless she does some serious introspection and betters herself, maybe we should consider leaving tana in 2020.

overall rating:

2/5

[burnedbyshoto]

what would you say the steps are to a fan fic writer getting better? (ai; type of speech, words, POV, followers count, just story in general) when do you hit the follower mark? Like in YouTube, for example, at 1,000 followers is when people start to notice your content.

to be very honest i’m very confused on to what you’re asking specifically, but i’ll do my best to answer!!!

fanfic writers get better the more they write!!! that’s all it really is.

— type of speech... idk what that means (((is this like nouns and adverbs and stuff))) is day to improve stop using adverbs a lot, it’s something I use a lot so it’s hard LOL

— words... idk what that means either, imma guess you mean word count. that stuff doesn’t really matter in the end! i read 200 word stories better than my 200k ones. if you meant as in use of vocabulary, eh... it doesn’t really matter. I try getting my point across as directly as possibly and often do not use anything challenging as in words to keep from people misunderstanding my sentences. word count/vocabulary doesn’t really improve you as an author though

— POV is a very personal thing. i use second person with an occasional third person! second person is just easier for me during x reader fics because it can still be me without the weird internal dialogue i feel I get when attempting first pov, but that’s a personal choice :)

— followers really don’t mean shit lol. I have in the upper 6k followers and my most popular piece has just over 2k. that’s 30% of my following list. so yeah, followers dont mean a thing, it’s nice to have, but in the end they’re worthless.

— story... well, I say that all writers should try the big three categories within their time posting. fluff, angst, smut. I only used to write fluff and angst, and realized how shit I was at smut so I decided to work on it! it ended up going pretty well once I got out of my own head!!!!

as ive stated before, followers on here really don’t matter. most followers are unfortunately either not active, don’t see your posts, or are silent readers. when i first started every 100 followers I would get excited for! my first 10 followers made me cry!!! writing on tumblr isn’t like youtube where you need a large following to make it! sure you might get an instant response because you have a lot of followers, but at the end of the day people are going through tags and will find your post whether you have 10 followers or 10k followers

I hope this helped 😂😂😂 and good luck with your writing!

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 108 [End: Captain America: Winter Soldier]

“-it’s plain as day, SHIELD has been- should be- labeled as a terrorist organization for their efforts in multitudes of operations-” 

“Then they’re a government sanctioned and paid for terrorist organization! If the members in the benches want to blush at the fact that one of their top spy agencies got caught, then let them turn beet red. But I will not sit here with my colleagues and listen to you pretend you weren’t writing every single check that came their way.” 

“And what of the checks that were issued via Stark Industries?”��

“Non-existent. Try again. Stark Industries has maintained itself as an independent business focused on technology and efforts that improves people’s lives.” 

“And the Avengers?” 

“Brought together under the direction of SHIELD but, rest assured, move of their own agency. While we’ve worked through SHIELD with the US government, we are more than happy to drop the middle man.” 

“You’re asking the government to fund vigilantism?” 

“The Avengers team was constructed to handle enhanced- and otherwise otherworldly threats that the military has no capacity to handle. And, again, I remind you that SHIELD used to be a government organization, since you all conveniently keep forgetting. That puts us above random lawless people running around in masks. I say we’ve done our jobs pretty well. And we’ll continue to do them- no funding from Uncle Sam necessary.” 

“Because of Stark Industries. What was that about being an ‘independent business’?” 

“The Avengers have every cause and the means to handle things the government has otherwise decided they can’t. I’d say removing people from fatal danger when the military is unable to do so, and funding relief efforts when the government sits on their hands counts as life improvement.”

                                                 ---

You and Tony had taken multiple trips back and forth from New York to DC over the past few days. It was to be expected, what with the massive shit storm going on. The two of you were tired, beaten, and worn down, but this was no time to stop. Especially not when you and everyone in your team was being accused of some pretty high crimes.

As you’d expected, the government was not handling the SHIELD leaks all that well. Classified documents spilled to the world in the name of the greater good was not the sort of thing they liked. They would have much rathered everyone kept their mouths shut and allowed Hydra scum to continue thriving. Probably would have preferred a world in which they could quietly direct the Avengers to try and capture as many as they could, while the common American slept in ignorance. 

But that was too bad. What had happened, happened. Your testimony in congress, along with Maria Hill’s and Natasha Romanoff’s played on all the 24 hour news stations. Clip after clip after clip in an endless nauseating run. There was so much to digest. So much to pick apart. Or praise. Depended heavily on which station was doing the featuring. From time to time, your press briefing the day after the Battle at the Triskellion would pop in and out. 

“-Stark Industries is not a safe haven for Hydra. Rest assured, as we speak, our security personnel are taking Hydra into custody, as I imagine the government is doing with their own staff, and getting ready for trials that will last years. We are ready to expend as many resources as necessary to bring them to the justice they deserve. Justice they should have seen years ago, were it not for overzealous intervention that invited them into our country. Into our homes. But there’s no going back now. Tony and I-” 

“Mute.” Silencing the TV as you walked into your office. Having touched back down at Tower after your fifth jet ride in three days. You wanted nothing more than to go upstairs and go to sleep. Take a nap. Didn’t you deserve it, after all this shit? 

But Pepper had been trailing your heels since you’d landed on the tarmac, with a long list of things for you to do. As predicted, the government hearings were ending with them labeling SHIELD as a terrorist organization. They’d only been crowing about it the entire time they’d been bearing down on you. With that came its disbanding. 

So. Time to sow some wild OATs as Tony had put it, after going over your proposal. It was almost hilarious, that way. As some of the documents you’d read (been forced to read, and brought up during the hearings) had stated plain as day that SHIELD and the government had invited Hydra scientists into their labs. Operation Paperclip. What a wonderful idea. 

Thinking they had something to offer that otherwise decent people may not have. Taking a chance. Gambling on that. And, well… after all this you’d have to say it had failed spectacularly. Now, looking on the other side of things, you were about to open a new office to handle the influx of SHIELD agents that were sending in resumes in order to not only keep working but not be threatened by the government they used to work for. 

How quickly the tables turned. Ellis had assured you this was best case scenario. And all he could do. If he’d done anything at all. Sure as hell didn’t feel like it. You had to count your blessings and just thank him regardless. You supposed they really could have come after the Avengers much harder. And… to be honest, you really weren’t prepared for something of that magnitude right now. Hopefully it would never come to that. 

As you signed your name on ten more dotted lines and then sent her away, you got immediately caught with your head in your arms after Pepper left the office and then seconds later poked her head back in. “Maria Hill is here to see you.” 

Sitting up slowly, you ran a hand through your hair. “Yeah.” Despite sharing a table with her for your part of the hearings, you hadn’t actually been able to speak with her at length. It had only been a matter of time before she showed up here. 

Pepper stepped aside to let her into your office and then shut the door. Maria came in, head held high, as always with her. She seemed like a very proud woman. Then she put a folder on your desk and took a seat. “Figured I’d come for the interview personally.” 

“Your resume?” Arching a brow at her. When she nodded you tried not to jump at the opportunity. “You’re hired. You’re now director of the OAT initiative. Go down to HR. Get a badge, do the paperwork, get an email set up. We’ll give you a phone.” 

“...just like that?” At least a little surprised. 

“They’re your people. If there’s anyone I can trust to treat them fairly, it’s you.” She was exactly what you needed. Someone you knew who would do right by these poor people so that you could take it off your plate and not micromanage it. Absolutely perfect. 

She smiled lightly. “Can we at least talk salary?” 

“What was SHIELD paying you?” Folding your hands atop the desk, sitting a little straighter. 

“61k a year. ...decent benefits.” 

“200k. Fantastic benefits. Holiday bonuses.” 

“That’s uh- that’s a solid deal.” Standing up she offered her hand for a shake, so you hid your pain as you stood to meet her with a firm grip. “Just understand, I can’t sit behind a desk forever. Once we’re done with this employee transfer, I’d like something a little more… substantial.” 

A grin found its way to you. “Like I told our dear members of congress, Stark Industries merely funds the Avengers. If that’s the next thing you’re about to ask… I have a different office for that.” 

She smiled back, holding your shake for only a second longer before letting you go. All too soon the expression vanished, and her voice lowered. “Nick is headed to Europe for now. Laying… as low as someone like him can get. But. ...he’s really grateful. For everything you’re doing.” 

Disappointment struck through you very suddenly. Although you didn’t have the closest relationship with Maria, you couldn’t help but let some of your feelings leak out of you. “I really wish…” Sighing, thinking twice about it- and then proceeding anyway. “I just wish he and I could have had a coming together moment or something. Where we finally saw eye to eye. There was a time I shook his hand and it seemed like things were getting better. And then they felt like they got worse. And I don’t know if we’ll ever rectify it all.” 

Was that bad? Did you care? ...some part of you must have. After all this time, you wanted to believe things were worth repairing with Nick.

She looked mildly uncomfortable, crossing her arms, and then cast her gaze aside. “I’ve worked a very long time for Nick Fury. He’s a very complicated man. And we don’t always agree on everything. But I know that whatever he’s doing, however he’s doing it, it’s always for reasons he thinks are right. He’s always just trying to do his best. Even when that means making the toughest calls. That’s why I’ve stuck by him so long.” When she looked up at you, she caught you off guard. “You know exactly what that’s like, I imagine.” 

You weren’t sure if you wanted to dignify that with an answer. It wasn’t Maria’s fault. And you had no reason to make her feel bad about it, but… comparing Nick to Tony… you weren’t quite there yet. So you chose the worse option, deciding the stay in your position over building a stronger foundation, letting a small silence hang. Then, you just gave her a smile. “Well… anyway. Pepper will show you to HR. Once you’re all set up, I’ll send things your way.” 

“Sure. Thanks.” 

She was at least quick and efficient, turning and leaving without another word. Maybe ready to go to work. It was one less mess you had to focus on, and for that you’d be grateful. But it was just as the door had shut and you had sat down, for no less than five seconds, that it opened again. 

It wasn’t the best look to be barking in the tone that you did, but you kind of just couldn’t help it. “What now?” 

Immediately silenced by the door opening wider to reveal Steve standing there. He looked better than he had, lying in that hospital bed, but it still made your heart ache. Just looking at him. Which wasn’t a very good sign. He looked just as upset. “I figured we needed to talk.” 

Thoughts of him had been churning around in your head for the past little while now, surely not unduly so. Congress had asked about him multiple times, but you, Maria, and Nat had told them the three of you were enough. He didn’t need to get mixed up in all this. 

“Yeah, I guess we do.” This wasn’t his fault. How could it be? The more you thought about it… the more you wondered if it was your own inherent selfishness that had caught him in between a rock and a hard place. You’d told him you’d cared about him, and practically begged him not to… do exactly what he’d done. Get beaten to near death to try and make a point. 

But, that’s not all it was. That voice that you’d heard in your head- Steve, calling out for this man. Bucky. It had been so… so sad. Almost unrecognizable. 

You wondered. You wondered what your own decisions would have been, had it been you on the other side of something like that. Steve very clearly cared a great deal for this man. That had been his advantage. He loved him, without a doubt. Maybe not in the same way you loved Tony, but for basis of comparison… you’d thought about it more than once. 

What if someone got control of Tony? And turned him against you? Would you fight back? Would you kill him, knowing the real man you loved was underneath? Or would you… try and do just enough. Fall to your knees. To make a point. To try and hold out. To try and get him back- 

Same as Steve had no doubt done. 

He was intensely uncomfortable. “Can we take a walk?” 

Despite your aching body and its protests, you stood. “I’d like that.” 

                                                ---

Before leaving the building you asked Happy to set up a thirty foot security perimeter to keep paparazzi and reporters at bay as you and Steve walked one of Central Park’s paths. Cold as you were even wearing your own jacket, he dropped his over your shoulders without a second thought, and stuck his hands in his pockets. There was silence for probably too long a time before you broke it. 

“Tell me about him. About Bucky.” 

Sam’s debrief report had come in a day ago, and his conversations with Steve had told you all you needed to know for base information. Steve had fought against Bucky and lost. Steve also thought Bucky had dragged him out of the river after perhaps putting him there in the first place- he’d be right about that, as no one on your team had done it. But after that, no one had a trace on that man. So right now… he was just sort of gone. Which was kind of a problem. 

But to really address it, you had to do exactly what you were doing now. 

Listening to Steve talk, after his surprise that you’d ask that (maybe about how you knew that name), about James Buchanan Barnes. His best friend. They’d met as kids, when Bucky had defended him from some bullies trying to steal his lunch money, and had been stuck to each other ever since. Steve was intensely fond of this man. Proud of him. Looked up to him. Tried to shape himself after him. 

And from the sounds of it, no matter how tough it got, the two of them always looked after each other- Bucky, a little more so, after Steve’s parents had died. Yes, love was no longer a question. Deep and platonic. And then, in the midst of their war with Hydra, he thought he’d seen Bucky killed. 

For years he’d carried a sense of extremely heavy guilt over him about it- and had probably never processed it, either. Having to move on so quickly. It made sense. Too much sense, then. Why, when having that gun leveled at him by that man he’d just stood there. And it made more sense than was fair, why Steve would have died trying to break somebody’s control over him. 

“Do you think you got through to him?” 

He sighed. “Some part of him… I’d like to think so. It’s why he saved me. It has to be. There was a minute there, between punches, when it was just him looking at me.” 

The next question became obvious. “You’re going to go look for him.” So obvious in fact, you merely needed to state it, not ask. 

“...yeah. I have to. He would have done the same for me.” 

The two of you stopped walking, and just stood there. Looking at each other. It was hard to know what to say next. And you wanted to try and… stop being that selfish version of yourself, especially after knowing you’d be in the exact same position. If you were him. “Steve…” Trying to start and then deflating. But when he simply waited patiently, you tried to gather your courage. “I know we can’t compare. And I’m not asking you to choose- I get it. I was… I was wrong, doing that.” 

Bucky had been his best friend through thick and thin for years. Years and years. They loved each other. You two had only known each other for a short time, no matter how close you felt to him. 

Trying to not lose momentum, you continued. “But… even if that’s true- I’d like to still consider us family. Close. A team. And… no matter what, we’re here, too. For you. You started building something here. I know it wasn’t by choice but… don’t forget that. Please.” 

“I won’t.” There was a light twitch of a smile. “...some of it was by choice, you know.”

You found enough strength to smile back. “I know you think you have to do this on your own, like you owe it to him and your relationship- but if you need anything-” 

He silenced you by reaching out, laying a hand on your shoulder, giving you a little squeeze. Holding steady on that expression. “Believe me when I tell you that you offering means the world to me. And if I do… I’ll ask.” 

Giving him a little side-scrunched pout, you lifted your brows. “No more macho man bullshit?” 

And at this his head dropped forward with a little laugh. “Yeah I-... you know, I never thought I’d ever have a label like that put on me. It’s kind of weird.” 

“But not wrong.” You huffed out, at least indignant about this. You were right. And you knew it. 

“Yeah. Maybe not. I’ll work on it.” 

There was still a small sense of hesitation coming from him. Reaching up, you wrapped your arms around him in a hug, helped when he lowered down that small bit to meet you. It was nice. To just have this. “You looking for my blessing this time?” Joking. 

“Actually- this time…” 

When he let go you settled a gaze up his way, just looking at him. Reaching up, you put a hand just near his shoulder. Not quite over his heart. But. Close enough. “Consider yourself blessed.” 

“Thank you.” 

                                                ---

You gave Steve back his jacket and parted ways amicably. The car ride back to the Tower was short. Once there you headed straight for the labs. Deeper into the private part, Tony was writing some long equation on a holo board next to a few rough schematics, lights dimmed. 

Coming in, you settled your arms around his middle, resting your face against his back. One of his arms moved to rest over yours, while he sketched out however the rest of those numbers made sense to him. Once he was finished, and you were content to wait there until then, he set his marker down. “Rogers leave?” 

Of course he would know that. It was of such little surprise to you that he did, that you didn’t even think twice in answering. “Yeah. Steve’s out for a while.” 

His thumb stroked over your arm. “You okay?” 

“We made peace over it.”

“He stopped here, first.” Ah. Well. That made about as much sense as anything else. Why Tony knew and… why he suspected you might have been a little melancholy over the whole thing. ...also why he was checking in to see if that was true. And how things had ended. 

You wondered how that conversation had gone. The two of them had been a little weird with each other for too long a time there. It wouldn’t help the team, for them to be like that. Steve wouldn’t be away forever. Whether or not he found Bucky, a strong part of you knew he’d be back eventually. 

“And did you two make peace, too?” Couldn’t hurt to ask. 

“I don’t have a problem with him, if that’s what you’re asking.” His shoulders drooped, and for a moment, his fingers curved a little more into your skin. Not painfully, but… in a very telling way. “After he explained- I get it. I still stand by what I said. I wouldn’t stand there and let somebody I knew shoot me- but, hey. We’re not all me. Can’t ask for perfection.” 

Your lips formed a brief smile against his shirt, breathing out a lightly admonishing noise. “Right…” 

“Anyway. I get it. He made a choice. You made a choice. No changing it. And he’s making another choice now. I get that, too.” 

It was easy to imagine Tony had been thinking about the same thing you had. Likening his own relationships to try and make it make sense. The lengths one would go to, to drag someone they loved out from underneath someone else’s control. 

He let go of you, so you dropped your own arms, allowing him to turn to face you. The bruising around his eye was still slightly prominent, as was the cut along the back line of his jaw on the right side. Reaching up, you palmed his cheek, and he moved his hand to hold yours there. 

“We’ll keep his room open.” 

Tony’s lips quirked. “But still charge rent, right?” “We don’t charge anyone rent.” 

“But we pay them. ...and we’re not charging them rent.” His eyes squinted, brows knitting, but his grin was telling. “How are we making money on this operation again?” 

Giggling lightly, you moved to loop your arms around his neck, drawing him in. “Oh, honey, I don’t know how to tell you this. But the Avengers account has been in the red ever since its incarnation.” 

His hands came to your hips, leaning in, nose nuzzling yours. “Who’s in charge again?” 

“Debatable. What, you don’t trust me?” 

“Implicitly.” His warm, amused hum was lost between a press of lips. 

But when you pulled back, “In that case, I need to tell you just how much money we’re losing-” 

With an even lift, he pulled you up onto one of his nearby work stations, grin touching over your smile. “Please don’t. You know what they say-” 

Your giggles continued. “Ignorance is bliss?” 

“Money isn’t everything.” 

 There was a warm purr in the back of your throat as he kissed you again. At the next part, “Says the man who has it all.” Teasing, still.

 Delighting in the way his lips curved over yours. Amused. Lovingly so. His next few thoughts came out between slower and sweeter kisses. “There is one thing more important to me than money… and I’m currently trying to seduce her to bed…”

 Your reply was just a bit breathy. “Oh… is it working?”

 His light laughter against the side of your neck threatened to do you in completely. “You know what, I think so. Lucky me.”

[iturbide]

⭐⭐⭐⭐ Sorry, I know how you feel. Being at home all the time is getting mentally exhausting. Hang in there. Sending a star because I'd love to hear if there's something your excited to talk about.

I really appreciate it it’s just.  Very tiring when nothing work reasonably through VPN (when it takes literally all day to do something that should have taken at most half an hour, there’s clearly a problem).

As Sully excused herself from the room, closing the door behind her, Chrom simply stood by the bed, unsure of what to do.  What to say.  What could he do to make any of this better?

  …was there anything that could make this better?

The tactician had not put on his coat.  But he had unfolded it, at least in part, pulling the hood over his head and draping the rest over himself where he lay curled on the mattress.  The prince had so rarely seen Robin without it – seeing it like this…

Chrom swallowed back the fear lodged in his throat.  “Robin?”

The tactician twitched, gasped, and curled inward.  The prince stepped forward…and paused, unsure of what to do and terrified of doing something wrong.  Of hurting him more.  Gods, Chrom wanted to hold him, but if he caused Robin more pain–

“Chro-om…?”

The captain sat carefully on the edge of the bed, stroking the tactician’s cheek with a shaky hand.  “I’m here,” he breathed.

Robin shifted.  And struggled to lift himself up.

“No – gods, don’t try to get up–”

He was shaking.  Chrom touched the tactician’s arm, gently, and felt the tremors spreading through him.

“Easy.  Easy, just…” He hadn’t wanted to risk making things worse.  But he hated to see Robin like this.  Stretching out at the tactician’s back, the prince carefully slipped his arms around Robin’s chest, curling close around him.  The tactician tensed, his breath ragged and short…

…and then the strength went out of him, and he crumpled into Chrom’s embrace.

They did not move for a few minutes.  He held Robin as his breaths steadied, touching his forehead to the back of the hood and waiting for the tremors to ease.

“I love you.”

The words were small, muffled against the tactician’s cowl.  But he felt Robin relax, even still.

“You shouldn’t say that here,” came the soft reply.  “Someone could be listening.”

“Sully won’t let anyone snoop.”

“No, I mean Sully.  And Kellam.”

“Kellam?”  Chrom hadn’t seen a giant suit of armor outside the door…

“Sully recruited him.”

“Smart,” he murmured, nuzzling the back of the tactician’s neck.  “But if we keep our voices down, they shouldn’t be able to hear, either.  …and I wouldn’t care if they did.”

“You should.”

“Why?”

One of Robin’s hands settled over the prince’s.  “This is a delicate situation.  Another misstep will end badly.”

“Another?”

The tactician’s finger tapped Chrom’s knuckle.  “Personally pulling me out of the dungeon.  I think Sully managed to throw suspicion off of that one, but it raised questions.”  Two fingers tapped his hand.  “This room. Even Sully remarked on it.”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s conspicuously close to the royal chambers and appointed far too well for a commoner granted an advisory position, even if it is intended as a reparation.”

Robin’s words grew weaker the longer he spoke, his breaths hitching painfully as he fought to inhale.  The prince hushed him gently, and the tactician fell silent, his fingers trembling as they gripped Chrom’s.  “You shouldn’t have to think about that now,” he murmured.

“I have to,” Robin mumbled.  “Who else will?”

“I’ll try.”

“Please tell me you’re not going to attempt the direct approach again.”

The prince laughed.  “No, not this time.  …I may not be good at this, but in the past few weeks, I’ve…started to see things the way you do.  I thought about this, if you can believe it.”

“Do tell,” the tactician chuckled.

“I talked to Sumia about it.  And Lissa. And Lissa asked Maribelle, I’m pretty sure.  Turns out this is the best place to put you.  As my right hand advisor and the Shepherds’ tactician, who brought us home safe from Plegia, to offer you a lower room would devalue the work you’ve done for me and for the halidom.  This is part of the esteemed guest wing, after all – though usually it’s just used by the council members when they can’t return to their own homes.  And most of those rooms are a full suite like the royal quarter.  The size and simplicity of this one won’t offend the nobles, but it still honors you.”

“And the décor?”

“You’ll be living here,” Chrom murmured.  “The other rooms are full of things anyone would use on a visit.  But this is your place.  So it had to be a place you’d want to be, or you’d just go back to living in the archives.”

“I didn’t sleep there.”

“That’s because you never sleep.”

He heard Robin’s faint murmur of amusement and nestled closer.  “Sumia picked the books.  I arranged for the shelves and the desk, based on what you asked for the archive. Lissa – again, I think Maribelle helped – coordinated the decorations, though Sumia and I helped with the colors.  …Sully said she thought you were going to start bawling when you walked in.”

“I was sorely tempted,” the tactician murmured.

“Do you like it, then?”

Robin laced his fingers with Chrom’s.  “I’ve never had a place of my own before.  A cot in the barracks isn’t the same.  …this is…”

The prince squeezed his hand.  “This can be your home.  If you want it.”

The tactician made a small sound, and Chrom nestled closer.  “Don’t cry…gods, Robin, don’t cry…”

“What if it can’t be, though?”

He frowned as the tactician began to tremble again.  “Why couldn’t it?”

“Will they let me stay?  With all these…these suspicions whirling around what happened?”

“…we’ll just have to take care of those suspicions, then.”

“How?”

“We’ll think of something.  …but you need to rest.  Try not to think too hard.”

“I will make an attempt,” Robin chuckled.  “…you won’t be able to come back here for a while.”

“I know.”  The knowledge weighed on his heart – he hated to think what Sumia must feel, unable to see the tactician at all.  “But we’ll think of something.”

He didn’t want to let go.  He didn’t want to leave the warm half-dark, he didn’t want to go back to keeping silent about something that mattered so much.

But he had learned a great deal in the past year.  And he knew that their time was short.

Slipping gingerly away, the prince crossed to the far side of the bed and sat down again.  Leaning in, Chrom cupped Robin’s cheek in one hand and lifted his head – just enough to press a soft, lingering kiss to his lips.

He felt the tactician smile against his mouth.  As the prince drew back, pulling the coat closer over him, Robin nestled deeper into the mattress.  “Tell Sumia I miss her,” he mumbled.  “And I love her.”

“I’ll share that kiss with her, too,” Chrom chuckled, smoothing the dark hair hidden under the hood.  “…get some rest.”

“I’ll try.”

He wished he could stay.  Gods, he wished he could stay.

But he had run out of time.

So even though Future Built isn’t at the forefront of my writing projects, that doesn’t mean it’s ever far from my mind (because let’s be honest, it never is).  I don’t know if people quite realize it, but I have nearly 200k words written so far, a not insignificant chunk of which represents scattered events from further along in Arcs 2 and 3 of the story.  And this is a piece of one of my favorite plot beasts for the whole thing – in fact, it’s the next key plot point in the overall story progression that we’re currently aiming toward, which will begin resolving one of Robin’s primary character arcs: the yearning for home and family.

Without going into too many details (which, let me tell you, is hard because I’ve been excited about this for ages despite not being in the Future Built headspace), there’s a major incident on the horizon, before even the first rumbles of unrest in Valm reach Archanea’s shores.  It’s part of the human drama that spans what the game left as a two-year timeskip, the same drama that has brought Robin together with not only Chrom, but Sumia, as well.  But the situation they’re in is tentative, something Robin is painfully aware of…and moreover, he remains haunted by insecurities about his place and his worth.  Whether he says it aloud or not, Robin still believes that he is, to put it bluntly, expendable: should something happen, he can be removed from the equation, keeping pertinent losses to a minimum and likely causing little if any fuss.  And he would still remove himself gladly for Chrom’s and Sumia’s sakes, if it meant keeping them safe and well.

Chrom and Sumia don’t feel the same way, though.  Though things as they stand on AO3 are still in the tentative exploratory stages, settling in and feeling out the relationship, over the intervening months things are going to settle and deepen, resolving itself into something new and wonderful.  They find their footing, and even though secrecy must remain, Chrom and Sumia both begin to strain under that burden: Robin is part of their family, and it’s a struggle to keep it behind closed doors.  So when something does happen, rather than excise Robin as he has so long feared, they buckle down instead, pulling out all the stops they possibly can to show that he is not only welcome but wanted, and that losing him isn’t an option. 

[siarven]

NaNoWriMo Update #4 - Final

Hello friendsssss!

It is 01:49 on the first day of freedom except I’m moving straight into fluffcember *eyebrow wiggle* but shhh I have no idea how long I will keep up with that xD (yes it took me that long to decide on an excerpt shush)

...and I am tired... 

but also happy?

I wrote maybe 35k that can actually stay in the story. Which are words that I like, which I am going to keep. Which is far too little considering that this is what my final statistic looks like-- 

But then I remembered something!

I also did a lot of worldbuilding lore, and I figured out my DAMN PLOT, something I WAS STUCK ON SINCE MARCH, and my characters make so much more sense now, and I had a breakthrough regarding the changes I made to the characters, and how it’s going to affect the ending, and ahhhhhh the ending is WORSE now, but ALSO SO MUCH BETTER, and more meaningful, and asdkfjsldf

I may be dissatisfied with how many words actually ended up in the manuscript, but I shouldn’t discount all the words I used to discover things about my world, and to explain it to myself in ways that made sense, and to have an actual reference library of my own world that I can look at when I forget details. Before, all my stuff was... partially from 2014, partially still accurate, some of it from 2016, some of it from last year, pieces of all of them still right, but most not ... and some files are still like that. 

BUT I CLEANED UP SO MUCH, AND IT MAKES SENSE NOW.

I can’t discount that.

So while I may be very dissatisfied with the wordcount that ended up in my manuscript, I got damn far in terms of transitioning into the third draft, and making it easier for myself in the long run, AND FIGURING OUT THE DAMN ENDING. :’)

AND I WROTE A TON OF WORDS!!!! Even if most of them are stupid. XD

So heyyyy 

Excerpt

Here is a smol excerpt, from Elinor’s POV, below the cut... It’s very first-draft-y, and I’m still not sure about her character voice. Or any of that. But this is the gist of it, and I hope you like it :’)

You do not wait when you get summoned by the Regulator.

You dress in your best clothes, get your hair tidy, make sure to polish the Mask, and then you leave. You make sure not to run so you don’t sweat when you get there, but you do walk fast. 

You do not let the Regulator wait.

My thoughts are in shambles when I arrive at his estates. I’m still not over meeting my sister and mother, but even less over… the other thing.

Can’t even think about it. Too much tied to that, too much pain, and—

Take a deep breath.

You can do this. 

…I can do this.

While the rest of the city is basically a collection of houses stuck on top and next to each other, sorted into Levels and made to stabilize each other into tower form, Level Eight isn’t quite like that. It’s more like a million individual rooms than houses, haphazardly called Asimdrium. I still think it’s not an actual word, but everyone calls it that, so I guess it’s one now?  

The only place that doesn’t fit is the sprawling complex belonging to the Regulator. He rarely leaves it, only adding to all that mysticism… and now he’s summoned me here. I never much thought about him before—everyone meets the Regulator once in their lives, during the Testing, but few see him again after that. 

What does he want from me? And why in the dead of night instead of at a more reasonable hour? I have to get up early tomorrow. It’s not fair—

He’s probably busy. I shouldn’t question him like that. 

… no, in fact I mustn’t. He’s the most powerful man in Merreadon. The second most-powerful one in the entirety of the Empire… 

And he knows my name.

Alright, to be fair… he knows everyone’s name. Still, he does not summon most people to his office at such a late time. 

I take a deep breath— …I hope it's not connected to Ben… —knock on the door to his office. 

Nothing moves, and nothing happens. For a few moments I just stand there, heart straining against my ribcage, fluttering like a caged bird, trying to escape with every iota of its feeble strength. 

Close my eyes. 

Take a step back.

He will answer my knocking. 

He summoned me.

It feels like ages until the door finally moves, basically noiselessly. 

I kind of expected there to be someone else, a secretary, maybe, someone like that. 

But no.

It's the Regulator himself, in all his scary glory. 

He is the only one with a Mask quite like this, this… creepy. He is also the only one with such an imposing presence, or, well, at least here. There must be others in the other big cities, or at least in the capital cities of the different provinces.

“Good evening, Elinor Arborea”, he says. His voice is calm. Basically inflectionless. For a moment I have this really weird scene in my head in which he stands in front of a mirror, practising how to creep people out the most, testing around with the way he says certain words. Of course he's much younger in that scene.

…though it's really hard to tell how old he even is, exactly? And somehow that gives me hope. If he's not dead yet, the rumours must be true. There must be a way.

“Good evening, Regulator. Sir”, I say, trying to sound as dignified as I can manage. I kind of fail, but, well, I haven't had time to practise in front of the mirror, either. You have to take what you can get, right? And I don’t even have a mirror. 

I can't tell what he thinks at all, I can't even see his eyes behind the Mask. It's like there's a shadow clinging to it, hiding every sign of him being an actual person. Maybe he isn't one? Has anyone ever seen the Regulator without Mask? Maybe he's dead. Maybe he's just a walking corpse—

“You know already”, he says. For a second, I am terrified that he can read my mind, and that he’s addressing my corpse-fears. Then I realize that he must be talking about Ben. No… 

“Yes.” My heart is going mad. I can feel it. It won't be long until it escapes.

“In that case I will spare you the explanation.  As you probably know very well, you are a talented and hardworking young woman, showing great promise within the Asimdrium. I have been paying special attention to you for a while now, and today that might… pay off. For both of us.” He pauses. I have no idea what to say, and besides, there’s only dread and fear inside of me. I wish I’d never come. 

“Your brother is of… let us say, special concern to me. I have a proposal to make that will let both of us get what we want.”

He stops talking. I get the disconcerting feeling that he's staring at me from deep within his Mask.

I've never felt more uncomfortable. Except maybe at the Testing, don't remember much of that, though. It was a long time ago. This… it feels like he's staring through me. Into me. As if he can read my thoughts just by looking at me. As if he can hear my heart. I feel laid bare, on a far deeper level than mere nakedness. 

“Alright?”, I ask carefully, trying to suppress the tremor in my voice, the fluttering traitor living in my chest, the shiver running down my spine, like tiny frozen spider-feet. 

“I want you to go home”, he says, and for a tiny moment I think I have died and gone to the Eternal Sanctuary, that things will be alright, that I will get to go home—

“… sometime during your evenings, and to then report back to me on how your brother is doing.”

It doesn't matter that I can't read his face, his voice, or his body language. 

He paused like that on purpose. 

It tells me several things about this entity, this mystery, this man—because now I know for sure that he's still human underneath all of that. Maybe he's no longer the person he once was, but he's still unmistakably a person. A petty person who likes playing with people, in fact. 

Which is something of a relief, to be quite honest. Who knows what to expect from an animated corpse, or some other kind of inhuman creature posing as one? 

It still doesn't explain his eye-shadow but I guess that must be a Regulator speciality. 

“You want me to go home in the evenings to check on my brother because you want to keep an eye on him and can't go yourself?”, I ask, doing my very best at not mentioning the word spying. 

“Exactly”, he says.

~~~

But also, if you got this far. Let me rant a tiny bit. XD Dreams is going to be very long, I think XD I made a handy graphic:

Let’s hope I manage to cut some of those 35k words. XD or make the rest shorter XD

(yes that is my excel outline, it escalated a bit, but it helped immensely in figuring out how elinor impacts things, especially with the timeline, I usually just have an unsorted doc with notes in it aaahhhh)

especially since this is Part One: Dreams in more detail :))))))) AKA, just the red part.

I doubt Draft 3 will be less than 200k, to be honest. Whyyyy

@warmbones​ @wilde-writing​ @thereisnothingwrongwithbeingmad​​ @authordai​ @madmoonink​  @lynnafred​ @prismalicht​ @sincerestaffect​ @romenna​ @zekethegm​ @hypnocutiegypsy​ @random-stuff-thrown-into-a-pot​ @els-writes​ @randooooooooooom​ @asttralhell​ @paper-shield-and-wooden-sword​ @jellybeanwriter​ @kittensartswriting​ @purpleshadows1989​​  @raiswanson​​ @ettawritesnstudies​​​ @writingwordsanddrawingpictures​​

[shinneth]

subject to future deletion

Normally I wouldn’t resort to that and I might end up being too lazy to do it anyway, but between getting sick again, dealing with some very intense verbal abuse every day irl, and the monthly burdens of the gender, I’m really not in a good place right now and I need to vent something. 

It’s officially gotten bad enough to interfere with my ability to write, even though I’m at a point in my current story that I’ve been very eager to reach... and every step of the way I’m struggling to write it and I hate what I currently have and it’s taking everything in my current power to not just scrap it entirely. 

Basically, I think I’m failing as a writer.

The irl stuff is actually not what I’m gonna get into because it’s really nothing new and it’ll probably resolve itself, but the side-effect of suffering that kind of negativity is that it enhances lingering negative feelings you’ve had about other things.

Namely, things you do to get away from the pains of the real world. The things you do to have fun and get some enjoyment out of life, no matter how challenging it is to be in this thing because it’s so wrongfully derided and demonized by the majority of your peers.

I try to keep telling myself it’s just because I’m still relatively very new to the fandom compared to my contemporaries, but as I’m typing this right now and listening to my favorite wrestler Shelton Benjamin in an interview, immediately I see the pit I’m starting to fall into. 

Like, it’s uncanny. This is what he said as I started on the above paragraph:

“If I sit and constantly compare myself to other people’s successes, you would drive yourself crazy. Because no matter what, there’s always someone who’s gonna be more successful.”

“I need to remember where I come from; how far I’ve came.”

Basically, in the very small world of Stevidot (and to a lesser extent, SU’s fandom as a whole), despite my efforts, I feel very much like the Shelton Benjamin in a small, dedicated group of talented Stevidot content creators.

Which is to say, I’m basically a midcarder in the mix with a bunch of top-tier legends. Shelton graduated from the same group as some modern very well-known mainstream stars that I can easily associate with a very well-known and accomplished Stevidot contributor.

Shelton graduated with the likes of John Cena, Brock Lesnar, Dave Batista, and Randy Orton. At least half of those names should be at least vaguely familiar for my followers as most of them have had such great success that they’re known in avenues beyond wrestling (save for Randy Orton, but he’s well past outshined his father as a legendary wrestler who’ll never be forgotten). 

I could easily say Watcher is the John Cena of Stevidot, while Platon’s probably the Brock Lesnar... sinderella0069′s the Batista. But I honestly don’t feel like I’ve done enough (or stood out enough) to even be a Randy Orton for this pairing. I’d at least give that honor to Ig just for being so active with it on Tumblr despite the wave of hatred thrown her way (even though she’s shifted focus onto Stevinel now). 

Again, I keep trying to tell myself that it’s because I’m not even remotely as tenured in the fandom as any of them are. 

Then I see this said in a review on a very recently-made Stevidot story...

And said reviewer has not once ever left a review on any Stevidot story of mine. Not even a follow or a favorite or a goddamned kudos. Considering I currently have an actively-updated Stevidot story going on (and a two-shot that I just did last month), I highly doubt my stuff was just overlooked.

Now, is it true that Stevidot is hard to come by? Of course it is. But this isn’t the first time I’ve seen a fellow Stevidot fan lament about the lack of Stevidot content while completely disregarding anything I contribute.

I know there’s one that outright doesn’t like my content based on personal taste (nothing to do with Stevidot itself, just how I execute it). There’s another big-name who shows no interest whatsoever in reading what I have to offer - and at this point I feel that’s for the best, because I have a feeling they’d hate my execution as well. 

While I’ve always primarily written for myself, I also felt a great fulfillment for providing content for a niche crowd that really deserves more than what they have. I think Stevidot’s a fantastic pairing with tons of unexplored potential and should be much more readily available than it actually is. Even if I tend to not get many reviews, I keep track of the site traffic every day on my stories and I know for sure that there are people reading my stuff. Since I’m really bad at leaving reviews myself, I go out of my way not to whine about not having very many overall for my series since I’d be a huge-ass hypocrite to do so. 

However.

Statements like the the aforementioned review and statements I’ve seen elsewhere by those who I know are at least aware of me are like stakes through the heart.

Because it can only mean one thing: my content doesn’t count.

I’m honestly not sure which is worse for me; being critically panned for the stuff I’ve put my all into over the past year, or being treated like my stuff doesn’t even exist. 

I prided myself on contributing as much as I did for Stevidot over this past year. Quantity doesn’t = automatic quality, but I’ve got 20+ years of writing experience in, so even someone with a shit self-esteem like myself can’t just say I’m an objectively bad writer, because I’m not. 

But apparently it doesn’t matter that I put in over half a million worlds in the name of Stevidot to a good chunk of the very tiny Stevidot fanbase; according to them, my contributions are irrelevant.

Is it my fault?

One thing I will admit is a detriment to my particular brand of Stevidot is that, save for one story (which happens to be by far my most successful Stevidot story in terms of recognition numbers), the rest of my series follows a continuous narrative that greatly deviates from canon as of Change Your Mind. I’m also notoriously a very verbose kind of writer - I have the tl;dr curse something fierce. 

So all stories I’ve written since my main 3-act series (which ended up being nearly 200k in length on its own) have been direct sequels to that. Because of the heavy deviation from CYM, the environment of the following stories is very different and easy to get lost in if you skipped GA entirely. 

Because there are so many dangling threads and new opportunities to be had after GA ended, I basically committed myself to my AU.

It’s not like anyone else is going to explore these possibilities.

Beyond that, honestly, I just don’t want to rewire my brain back to the canon status quo - not after the shitloads of character development I’ve not only given Steven and Peridot, but nearly everyone at this point has had a moment or two of really intense character growth. 

I like having Peridot co-star with Steven. I like having her become a more competent and active teammate than she’s portrayed in canon (while still giving her comic relief moments). I like that I didn’t redeem the Diamonds and instead had them killed off to force our protagonists to deal with the fallout of the collapse of a mighty empire on a much grander scale than what’s going on in the actual show.

In a way, this AU of mine has helped me cope with the shortcomings of the show itself. I already went on a stupid tirade once about how the sadistic nature of my writing has basically made me no-sell whatever trauma Rebecca Sugar’s throwing on Steven and upsetting everyone else. I’m still fairly certain I’m still outdoing her in that department. 

And because 100% of my passion for creating Stevidot is through this narrative I weaved, I have no desire to leave it. 

So I’ll admit my stories aren’t exactly the most accessible to the average reader who hasn’t been following my work since Day 1. 

Then again... I first got into Sinderella’s series completely ass-backwards at first. I eventually read it in the proper order, and like many of the great Stevidot epics, it’s canon divergent from a much earlier point in the series, so it was very easy to get confused about why certain things happened differently at first... but ultimately, I wasn’t that bothered by it because I just wanted some good Stevidot. I’d figure out the finer details later. 

I really do owe this author more props than I’ve actually given - she’s one out of two readers I know for a fact have been following my series since the beginning without missing a beat. I’ll probably review her newest story sooner or later now that it’s complete. 

Not gonna lie, though... when I saw our numbers side-by-side like this:

Considering they’re very similar stories (Stevidot smuts that were originally meant to be one-shots), mine is over a month old and hers is only a few days old and there’s already that big of a gap in our numbers? 

It’s hard not to feel like a failure; like I did something horribly wrong to suck this bad by comparison. 

I really should stress that I bear no ill will against Sinderella or any Stevidot author; this isn’t a competition, so this isn’t a matter of popularity. I knew coming into this that I wouldn’t get popular overnight; especially not with such an unpopular ship being the focus of my story. 

But when other Stevidot stories get frequent reviewers that I’ve never seen once acknowledge my stories even passively, I can’t help but feel like I’ve massively fucked up somewhere. That despite all my efforts, I might as well be invisible. When they say “Oh, good thing your story is here! It’s been such a Stevidot drought around here until you came along!” to other authors after I’ve written half a million fucking words in under a year for this ship...

You know, is it unreasonable to feel that I utterly fucking failed in several ways? 

I guess it’s no wonder why I’m struggling to keep writing. I still want to - like I said, I’m at a part I’ve been eager to write for a while now - but ever since I started it, I’ve just hated almost all of what I have so far (almost 8k words). And I’m really having trouble trying to salvage it.

I’m honestly not the type who’d scrap all my progress and start from scratch once I’ve gotten this far in. But maybe I’ll have to make an exception this time, because I think I finally made the mistake of trying to write while being mentally and emotionally distraught.

I thought I’d calm down once I wrote all this out, but honestly, I’m not really feeling it. Now I’m wondering if I should have just reached out to someone instead of making this, because now I’ll come off as a whiner with my pansy-ass first-world problems. 

But then again, I’d be an asshole to subject anyone to my idiotic woes. 

Maybe this’ll pass. I’m hoping it’ll pass. I really, really really really don’t want to lose my drive to write again. I was used to it coming and going in short and random spurts for almost all my life - then it finally came to me and stayed with me just a little under a year ago, and I’ve been desperate not to let it go because I’ve been more productive now than I’ve ever been in my 20+ tenure as a writer. 

I don’t want this to go away. There’s still so much more I want to tell. 

But then my logic goes... if you tell the story and no one’s there to hear it, is it ever really told?

[miericksongo]

i hate u, i love u (pt. 2)

under renovation

©2019-2021 Miericksongo

[innuendostudios]

We hit 200k subscribers! Holy heck! Here’s a small, celebratory video collecting my favorite bits and pieces that got cut from other videos.

If you like this, or the videos these bits were removed from, consider backing me on Patreon.

Transcript below the cut.

The Artist is Absent

If I tell you about what I did yesterday, you do what? You take a bunch of sights, sounds, tastes, smells from your experience and stick them together in your head into a complex picture of my experience? Well, that’s what I’m doing when I use my memory. I don’t have a prefab image of what’s happened to me in my life that I break down into pieces when I describe it to you; the act of remembering is building up from pieces, reconstructing reality from a mass of tiny sensations, and all a memory is is a set of instructions for which ones to assemble and how. This act is performed every time a thing is remembered. And the difference between my memory and your imagination is that, having lived it, I have way more sense memories than I could ever communicate, and the knowledge that mine actually happened to me. Those are really the only differences; you could characterize memory as “imagining things that actually happened,” or imagination as “remembering things that didn’t.”

The Artist is Absent 2

OK, quickie sidebar on what the meaning of “meaning” is in this context. I don’t want anyone to trip over this term and think I’m saying all art is part of some grand design, like I’m going to argue The Avengers is an allegory for the Bay of Pigs or something. I’m not using “meaning” in a lofty sense. If you wanna argue that the only substance to The Avengers is “it’s fun,” that’s cool. That’s still a meaning, but it’s perfectly valid if that’s all there is to it.

...I mean, that’s not all there is to it, it’s also about family, and about how being in a family with people who are different from you can make you a better person. It can teach you the value of selflessness, or the value of compassion over mercenary coldness, or the value of accepting yourself and your flaws, or help you fit your idealism into the modern world, or… deliver exposition, because Thor doesn’t have an arc in this movie.

But you see my point! All I mean by “meaning” is that there is an answer to the question, “Why does this exist?” If someone made it, they had to have a reason, anything from “I wanted to change the world” to “I wanted to make money” to “I was bored.” Those aren’t all great answers, but they’re answers.

Also, all creators exist within their culture, which means their works are products of that culture, and their contents will either reflect or differ from that culture’s values. Like, the fact that all the central characters in The Avengers save one are white, and all save one are men, means something. We can debate the whats and wherefores of that meaning and how much that meaning matters, but since things like race, gender, the military, and New York City, mean things to our society, they can’t not mean things in our movies.

And, let’s be honest: following The Avengers, Tony has PTSD from being a rescue worker during Something Very Bad that Happened in New York, and SHIELD dramatically expands the surveillance state and employs Cap in fighting terrorist threats, so, while not the Bay of Pigs, The Battle of New York is doing work as a 9/11 allegory. Both of these movies have been praised for exactly that.

But, let’s follow through: in our 9/11 allegory, the US government could not have possibly predicted nor prevented the bad Guys’ invasion, America is wholly innocent and has had no political or social impact on the Bad Guys, the Bad Guys are literally inhuman, and any amount of violence against them is justified, up to and including the Good Guys nuking them.

But whatever.

Bringing Back What’s Stolen

OK. A lot of psychoanalytic film writing comes from the 70’s, 80’s, and early 90’s, including gender analysis of horror films, and it can read a little Freudian: gender essentialist, heteronormative, and obsessed with the D. “Does this empowered woman look feminine? Well, she’s holding a gun, and I’ve got news for you: guns are penises. She’s smoking a cigarette, and cigarettes are penises. She’s wearing high heels, and high heels are penises. That slit in her dress that shows off her long legs? [Long Legs Are Penises]”

It’s a bit Second Wave-y. And not completely off-base! Like, I get it, Laura, sometimes a knife is a dick. (Symbolically, I mean.) But sometimes a stiletto is just a stiletto.

Bringing Back What’s Stolen 2

I want to stress that a trope does not define a character, and does not, alone, make her or the movie around her bad. I love a number of the characters I’ve cited. But when a movie, even a great movie, tells me, “Don’t worry, this woman is violent, but we’re not saying women at large are as strong or violent as men,” I feel condescended to. The lengths some movies go to soothe my ego, like I’m a seven-year-old who’s going to throw his toys against the wall, strike me as a big waste of time that could be spent on the more interesting parts of the movie. I’ll take another shootout any day.

WSGT3

Imagine you’re called onstage to do a cold reading of a two-person scene from a play you’ve never read. You don’t know the story, the characters, or even the stage directions. And the director hands out only one script to the other actor. You will have to improvise all your lines. The other actor knows the premise, knows the story, but they still need you to make the scene work. The person who knows what happens is trying to signal everything you need to you without straying from the script, while you attempt to discover your role in the story and perform it at the same time. That is the attention that must be paid. And, together, you try to make a story.

This is an exercise my acting teacher used to do with us, to get us listening to the other actors in a scene instead of just waiting for our cues. And this is how an adventure game feels.

DOOM

It was 1993, and we all knew about DOOM. It had a reputation. Many of us learned it existed with the same breath that forbid from playing it, in the same way we were forbidden from watching Beavis & Butt-head or Terminator 2. We didn’t have those kinds of parents. But most of us knew someone who did.

We came to learn three things about DOOM: that was intended for grown-ups, that our access to it was scarce, and that having not played meant getting teased by those who had. Some of us never asked if playing it interested us, we simply knew playing it was important.

And when we played - and we did play, on whatever computer someone had secreted the shareware version onto - it was like nothing we’d ever seen before. Amazing and terrifying, in the way that a kid alone in the house watching their first skin flick finds it shocking, because half-naked women and simulated sex are so far outside their limited experience. We had never seen anything close to this, and it unsettled us at first. But we played.

The titillation of an art student drawing a nude model lasts for the few moments between the dropping of the robe and the touching of charcoal to paper. Then nakedness becomes just another series of lines to render. We acclimated. When we fired our shotguns into an enemy, soon enough all we saw was an obstacle neutralized. We saw a series of lines elegantly intersecting a series of boxes. That’s not what our parents saw. Our parents saw an imp howling in pain as its ribcage burst from its chest.

And so part of playing DOOM became learning how to defend it. “I play DOOM for the gameplay” became a generation’s “I read Playboy for the articles.” When we got caught, we tried to explain the the lines and the boxes: The bullet wounds were just there to let you know when you’d hit your target. The space marine’s bleeding face was just there to tell at a glance how your health was doing. The enemies were Satanic hellspawn just to make it perfectly clear their function was to be dispatched by your shotgun. What we wouldn’t say was that all these things could be accomplished through other means, without blood, but we didn’t want to play Chex Quest.

What we couldn’t put into words, most especially under threat of punishment, was that, while the blood and gore wasn’t why we wanted to keep playing, it was usually why we sat down in the first place. DOOM was good, but being good wasn’t what made it important; it was important because it was illicit. Yes, we were kids, and we probably would play a game that offered us nothing but brutal violence, but if the lines didn’t pleasingly intersect the boxes we would soon stop playing. DOOM is loved today because there was more to it than that. Blood was captivating, but it wasn’t enough - we sat down, but we did not stay, for blood alone. What our parents could rarely put into words was that us no longer seeing the blood was part of what worried them.

Indivisible Talk

These are some fundamentals I want you to keep in mind as we look at the Right.

Everybody’s people. When I talk about the difference between the Right and the Left, I’m not saying “the Right does this and the Left does that.” I’m talking about things all humans do, and the difference between the Right and the Left is a matter of scale and proportion. If I say “the Left values data over gut feelings” or “the Right values family over extended community,” obviously everyone values all of those things. It’s a question of how they’re prioritized. But small differences in our priorities can lead to dramatically different worldviews. So when I say “the Right does X,” don’t get too hung up on whether the Left also sometimes does X, but try think about how it manifests on the Right versus the Left and what those differences between them mean.

People vote their beliefs, not their self-interest. The Left tends to ask things like, “Why would working-class voters who depend on Obamacare vote for the party that wants to repeal Obamacare? They must have been lied to.” And I won’t deny that a lot of lies were involved, but it’s a mistake to think people only vote for what’s good for them. It seems like this should be obvious; I mean, why do I vote to have my taxes raised to pay for someone else’s education, someone else’s food stamps? We tend to answer that by arguing it is in my self-interest, that a well-fed and well-educated population leads to a stronger economy and a richer culture, and that this will trickle down to make my life better in the long run, and I could make that case, but, really, that’s not why I do it. I believe in education, I believe in fighting poverty, and if you proved to me that neither would ever benefit me personally, I would still fight for them, because it’s the right thing to do. So when someone across the political spectrum does something that confuses us, it may be true that they are misinformed, but we can’t assume that simply correcting them will change their minds. Right or wrong, they are acting in accordance with their beliefs, they trust misinformation because it aligns with those beliefs, and, if you don’t understand what those beliefs are, you’re going to misdiagnose the problem.

Tolerance and sectarianism. A tolerant view of society is the melting pot, the idea that Real America is the combination of many different walks of life, all of which are valid and deserving of the same rights. A sectarian view thinks of one walk of life (usually one’s own) as the Real America, and this walk of life is one society should trend towards: that America is a Christian nation, English should be the national language, or the ideal family as nuclear and heterosexual. I think it’s obvious which ways the Parties lean.

But, again, these are human traits. Everyone is balancing both these impulses every day. And I don’t want us to split these into “tolerant good, in-groups bad.” Democrats who over-commit to the melting pot run into the Karl Popper’s Paradox of Tolerance: that, if you treat every group as equally valid, including Nazis, fascists, and the Klan, you create a less tolerant society. And treating one group as a greater priority than others is logical when that group is persecuted; there is a degree to which all minority activism is defending one’s family. So it’s a matter of knowing when to be tolerant and when to be familial, and coalition-building is all about being both at the same time.

End

Um. So. I’m not sure how to end this. Uh. 200k subs! Wow! I find that number very humbling. Thank you all so much. And back me on Patreon, if you want to and if you haven’t already. There’ll be a proper video soon. Uh. What do people usually do in these things, they do Q&A’s, right? People ask you “what’s your favorite movie, book, game, comic, anime, musical, poem, album, joke”? I’ve been wondering what it says about me that all my answers would be things I experienced in my 20s, or earlier. Is it that I don’t love things the way I used to? Or is it just that, the more art you experience, the harder it is to be blown away? Like, something can be better than anything I’ve seen before, but it can’t shatter the record the way it could when I was younger. But I’m not making a video essay about that, so: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Motion of Light in Water by Samuel R. Delany, LOOM, Sandman, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, A Woman is Talking to Death by Judy Grahn, a three-way tie between In The Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel, Lincoln by They Might Be Giants, and Onomatopoeia by Jonny 5, and the lemon cookie joke.

[flowerslut]

Writing Meme

A big thanks to the ever-angelic @southsidestory for tagging me! 🥰

Author name: flowerslut

Fandoms you write for: currently Twilight, Naruto was a big one for a few years. (I’ve written for a handful of various fandoms in the past though.) 

Where you post: Most of my one-shots are actually posted strictly to Tumblr, but my multi-chaptered stories (and a few shorter stories) are either on AO3 or FF.net. I used to default to FF.net but as of late I’ve been preferring AO3.

Most popular one-shot: On FF.net Naruto fanfic Himawari’s Whiskers has the most reviews (34) and Because I Love You has the most favorites (214). On Tumblr, Himawari’s Whisker’s comes in a close first again (1497 notes) against this problematic ItaSasu one-shot (1177 notes—but that’s probably entirely due to @surfacage‘s subsequent art if we’re being honest here.) As for AO3, (and really, overall) Miraculous Ladybug one-shot AWOL sweeps the competition with my highest comments, kudos, bookmarks, AND hit counts for any of my one shots across any website.

Most popular multi-chapter story: On FF.net, my 200k+ word SasuSaku adventure fic, Changing Skies, steals the show with 939 reviews, over 1200 favorites, and a mind-blowing half-million hits. On AO3, unfinished + abandoned ML angst-fest fic Pockets Full of Stones has my highest kudos/hit count for a multi-chaptered story (373/22,296). (For reference, my latest Twilight 250k word monster, despite boasting my highest comment count (289) has less than 3000 hits.)

Favorite story you’ve written: I know I’m already partial to my Twilight stories currently since that’s my current ‘fandom focus’, but something about the fact that Call of the Night took me over a decade to flesh out and finish will always make me feel really, really proud of myself. And I know teenage Shannon would have been ecstatic to see that once-abandoned story’s fate.

Story you were nervous to post: In honor of the trailer for the new Star Wars coming out tonight, I’ll have to say it was definitely that-only-and-only-Reylo one-shot I wrote for someone back in the day. That story was a short as shit prompt—and sadly, no matter how much I search through my tags and blog, I can’t seem to find it—but listen. I’ve been around Tumblr for over a decade. I’ve seen some shit. I’ve seen ships get shit on. But nothing like I’ve seen Reylo fans deal with (and I was a SasuSaku stan for years). That’s the only story I’ve ever held my breath for as I posted it. And there was nothing even remotely romantic about it. But tagging #reylo made me nervous as SHIT lmao.

How do you choose your titles: I used to frankenstein song lyrics together until it sounded poetic, but now I just try to come up with something more organic and in-theme with the actual story.

Do you outline: Only for multi-chaptered fics that I KNOW are either going to be over 100k words or that will be part of a multi-fic series. 

Complete: Because I have too many unaccounted-for prompts and one-shots posted to Tumblr and other various internet boards over the years I don’t have an exact number for you. In between Tumblr, AO3, and FF.net, it’s definitely over 100, and maybe just under 150. One day I’ll archive them all and count them (I did just download Scrivener, finally) but for now, I only have guesstimations for you.

In-progress: Thankfully all of my in-progress multi-chaptered fan fictions have been posted to both AO3 and FF.net. In between both of them I only have 6, but I’m not really a “start one story and then get distracted after three-thousand words of it” type of person. I’m more like a “thoroughly outline a 100k+ thousand word story while manic and then when the mania fades one or three months later forget about it and get distracted and maybe come back to it in a year or four” type person. I’m trying to get in the habit of finishing stories before I start posting them, but it’s uh, not going too well.

Coming soon/not yet started: Call of the Night’s sequel has been started and I do have other fics brewing in my mind—all of them are old fics (anywhere between 12 and 5 years old)—but right now, a sister is sadly far too busy to write.

Do you accept prompts: I’m always accepting prompts! It’s whether or not I could get around to writing them that really just depends on the timing in my life. For instance, if someone sent me a good prompt tonight, I absolutely wouldn't be able to write it for at least a few weeks, but I’d keep it bookmarked and try to get to it ASAP.

Upcoming story you are most excited to write: CotN’s sequel has me really excited, and despite the fact that I haven’t updated Never Count the Stars in almost four years, every time I read the outline for the fic I get invigorated to one day finish it. A couple of stories I would like to write is my Twilight AH AU Jalice story (that I outlined back in high school) and my gritty Naruto borderline-problematic modern-AU (that I outlined back in 2013.) I’d love to have the time and inspiration to write anything currently, but until I’m done moving and settled in California, a girl ain’t got time to write SHIT.

Since I don’t read much fan fiction nowadays I don’t really know who to tag except for @volturialice and @gashousegables !!!

[centaurself]

Unpopular opinions on the Homestuck Epilogue

Two things before I start this rant: I believe that the Homestuck epilogue is good and in character (in a specific way), and while it may not provide total closure as of yet, there is a chance there could be some more. I'm not exactly gonna lose sleep if there isn't more, however. If you didn't like the epilogue, that is your prerogative; however, I implore you to at least consider what I'm about to say.

Secondly: SPOILERS FOR THE EPILOGUE AND THE COMIC. OBVIOUSLY. I won't go too deep into the epilogue itself, however by nature of these things, it's gonna have spoilers. Really, if you haven't read the epilogue yet, you probably shouldn't be in the Homestuck tag.

TL;DR at the bottom, rant after the cut.

So! The Homestuck Epilogue just landed, and Tumblr is pissed. It's vaguely understandable; after wanting to see a closure on the comic that had everything nice and lovely, they got nearly 200k words that showed that it wasn't. Dirk is being a dick on the meat side, Jane is effectively a fascist dictator on the candy side, things are not looking good! What's going on, it's terrible, this isn't Homestuck! ARGH

But let's step back and take a look at things beforehand. The actual comic itself, when it was just kids and fun. What do we see there?

Well, we see many trolls dying in Act 5 Act 2 (in incredibly gruesome ways); Act 6 Act 6 Act 3 is when everything absolutely goes to shit for basically everyone involved; Act 7 ends pretty ambiguously for Vriska and Aradia; and the credits "post-canon content" ends with John smashing his phone screen because Caliborn is being quite the little shit, along with some other things that show he's really not doing particularly well. All in all, while the comic may indeed be just that - comic, comedic, funny - on the surface, if we look any deeper we can see just how dark this could get. It's a defining piece of online literature that has now spanned a smidge over 10 years, and there are incredibly complex scenes in it, screwing around with the very ideas of narration and canon.

The Homestuck Epilogue is very similar. There are funny moments, there are dark moments. The very core of the epilogue revolves around whether John decides to use his retcon powers, once again screwing around with canon. In the Meat half, the very idea of a narrator outside of the fiction's influence is completely and utterly decimated, as we see Dirk, then Calliope, then Dirk, then Calliope take control of the narrative.

This is not unprecedented in Homestuck, nor is it even unexpected. Andrew Hussie messes with this all the time, both in Homestuck and even in Problem Sleuth (though not to the same extent at all). The fact that canon is messed around with is not something that it really makes much sense to complain about, given the provenance of what we're dealing with here. Fortunately, this isn't really something that I've seen many complaints about.

Let's address some of the things I have seen complaints about! For example: Gamzee. In the Candy half, Gamzee's entire deal is his "redemption arc": he gets out of the fridge, and goes on and on about how he's had a lot of time to think and realise he needs redemption. A lot of people go along with this (with the notable exception of John), to the point where it's made quite a cornerstone of the New Crocker Empire (as I have just decided it is now called). This is seen by a lot of people as something ridiculous, and not something that makes any sense given what we're dealing with.

And you're right! It's not! It makes absolutely no sense within his character. This is precisely the point: we, along with John, can see right through just how absolutely fucking ridiculous this is. This is not something we're supposed to take seriously, but many people in the epilogue do. Why are they doing this?

One word: Candy.

This takes place in the Candy half of the story. It never occurs at all in the Meat half; John never once lets him out of the fridge. He barely even thinks about it, and Gamzee is never mentioned again. Candy is a symbol of Trickster: of ridiculousness, of seemingly endless optimism to the point that it could actually be considered dangerous, of characters not thinking straight about their own actions. There are at least three instances I can think of where characters just assume they're going to be ridiculously happy, without actually doing any thinking: when Rose and Kanaya adopt a kid, when Jane and Jake get hitched, and when Roxy and John get hitched. None of them are in any right mind when those decisions are made; they just go "YES OKAY LET'S DO THIS SHIT" without thinking about it.

Now go back to the Trickster arc in the actual comic. While the ridiculous nature of those decisions are certainly nowhere near as exaggerated in the epilogue, it's very much still there. This is the nature of candy in Homestuck: it provides an absurd backdrop on which everything is just supposed to be fine. Gamzee can have a redemption arc, of course! Roxy and John getting married? Absolutely!

It doesn't make sense, and it's not supposed to: those decisions are not made by rational minds, which is clear with our decision of Candy.

Now let's go to the Meat half, see what complaints we have there. Remarkably, I've seen nothing about Roxy and Calliope's pronouns or anything, which is a very nice change of pace for Tumblr. What I have seen occasionally is people complaining that Dirk just isn't acting right. Like he's being a complete and total arse, and #notmydirk etc.

Ask yourself: when has Dirk ever actually been a considerate and caring person? It's happened, sure, but very rarely. It's set up pretty strongly within canon that Dirk is honestly kind of an unemotional piece of shit, who finds it pretty easy to just let go of things as if they weren't anything at all. Apologies to Dirk fans, but that's his character.

So now we see him in control of the narrative, manipulating the flow of the story for his own benefit, seemingly with no thought to what certain characters might actually want as opposed to what he wants. Once control of the narrative is given to Calliope after Dirk takes off with Rose, Kanaya gets absolutely incensed, demanding to know where the hell Rose has gone and what the fuck Dirk did to her. We see in the Candy half that according to Calliope, "the prince of heart has to be stopped.", which is a preeetty direct sign that bad stuff is happening. Dirk himself even admits that he is the villain in this scenario. Once again, after seeing how cold Dirk is in the comic, it's pretty clear that this isn't out of character.

We don't really understand his plan, nor what he needs a Rosebot for, but it's clear he does have some machinations, and they ain't pretty.

Also, it seems like some people are complaining that John isn't a person who should really be depressed. Have you seen the comic? John gets to play a universe creating game on his birthday, and the very first day ends with his dad dead, not being able to talk with some of his friends for a full three years, and a ridiculous amount of bloodshed that no 13 year old should ever have to experience. Later on, he once again ends up having to attempt to save the universe on his 16th birthday, and as time goes on in post-canon content, he gets more and more secluded. He doesn't really want to make a big deal out of his birthday any more, he doesn't go to really see anyone, etc. John is depressed, and quite possibly suffering from some serious trauma.

Whichever path you take (and you should take both to get the full experience), the epilogue ends without much closure. On the Meat path, we have a bunch of characters attempting to get to Dirk before he can do... whatever he's planning on doing; on the Candy path, we have an incredibly oppressive empire preparing for a new world war. It doesn't look pretty, no matter which way you spin it. It's an ending which can leave you pretty unsatisfied. And... that's okay.

It's okay to be unsatisfied with an ending. There is absolutely no way Hussie and co. would be able to create any sort of epilogue which made everyone satisfied: if it was too happy people would complain about unrealism, and if it was too depressing people would still complain about unrealism but for very different reasons. This ending is less of an ending and more of a fade-out, like a song does when the artist couldn't think of a decent way to end it. It's unsatisfying, and it can leave you wanting either more, or proper closure.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty unsatisfied with how the epilogue ends. I don't know if there are plans to put up more to create a proper closure, but I doubt this is the case. I think this is the only legitimate complaint about the epilogue I've seen, but even then people are taking it waaay too far, claiming that it ruins basically everything. Let's stop being so over-dramatic, guys.

Also, to some people complaining that Hussie doesn't care any more: if he didn't care, would he write an epilogue nearly two hundred thousand words long, making it almost exactly as long as Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire? True, he had help in writing it, but I'd honestly be amazed if he did it himself. It's pretty clear that although he wasn't the sole author, he had more input on how it would go than anyone else involved in writing the epilogue. That's not something you really do if you don't care any more about your magnum opus.

In conclusion: Homestuck is an incredibly complex piece of fiction that demands a lot more than a cursory glance, and the same can be said of the epilogue. If you don't want to accept that it's canon, that's fine! It would seem that the authors won't mind too much either: on the list of MSPA stories on homestuck.com, the epilogues are described as "Tales of dubious authenticity". It's not a crime to not accept something as canon, and it's not a crime to dislike a piece of fiction. In this case, it just seems like a lot of the complaints come from little evidence or are mostly knee-jerk responses.

TL;DR: