#no lube no protection all night and day...to the bathroom sink to the kitchen counter--

[mrsoharaa]

....I have seen heaven, and it has flashed me with it's beautiful massive bazoongas.

[ienvythe]

no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor, to the toilet seat, from the dining room table, to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink, to the shower, from the front porch, to the balcony, vertically horizontally, quadratic, exponent, algorithmetic, while I gasp for air, scream and see the light, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, backwards, forward, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on a chair, being carried against the wall, outside, in a train, on a plane, in a car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce house, in the pool, bent over a counter top, against the window, have the most toe curling, back aching, leg shaking, dick throbbing, fist clenching, ear ringing, mouth drooling, ass clenching, nose sniffling, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheet gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw-dropping, hair pulling, mind boggling, soul snatching, over stimulating, vile, sloppy, moan-inducing, heart-wrenching, spine tingling, back breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, lip biting, nail biting, sweaty, feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone breaking, world ending, blackhole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body numbing, bark-worthy, can't walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, volcanic erupting, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheets soaked, hair drenched, flabbergasting, hip locking, skin peeling, eyelash removing, eye widening, pussy popping, nail snatching, spectacular, hair ripping, show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid, phenomenal, malforming, mouth watering, 360 degrees, skin on skin, in the fridge, in the closet, on the ceiling, heavenly 😊

[nyxdrabbles]

no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining table to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower, from the front porch to the balcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponent al, logarithmic, while i gasp for air, scream and see the light, missionary, cowgirl, mating press, amazon, 69, pushing tush, butterfly, seated sissoring, reverse cow girl, doggy, backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on the dining table, on the counter, on a chair, being carried against the wall, outside, in a train, on a plane, in a plane, in a hot air balloon, in a helicopter, in the car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce house, in the ool, bent over, in the basement, against the window, have the most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick thribbing, first clenching, ear rining, mouth drooling, pussy pulsing, ass clenching, nose sniffling, clit throbbing, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheet gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling. teeth jitterbug, mind blogging, soul snatching, overstimulating, vile, sloppy, moan inducing, heart wrenching, spine tingling, back breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, lip bitting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty, feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone breaking, world ending, black hole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body numbing, bark worthy, cant walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, volcano erupting, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheets soaked, hair drenched, flabbergasting, lip locking, skin peeling, eyelash removing, eye widening, pussy popping, nail stractching, back cuts, spectacular, brain cell desolving, hair ripping, show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid, phenomenal, mouth foaming, heavenly, awakening, devils tangos, he could kill me and id still find a way to come back to life just to ride his dick to satisfaction. id fulfill his every desire to the most i can.

[mangoposts]

no lube no protection all night all day from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat from the dining table to the bedroom from the bathroom sink to the shower from the front porch to the balcony vertically horizontally zigzag quadratic exponentally, logarithmic while i gasp for air scream and see the light missionary cowgirl reverse cowgirl doggy style doggy backwards forwards sideways upside down on the floor in the bed on the couch in a chair begging carried against the wall outside in a train in a plane in the car on a motorcycle the bed of a truck on a trampoline in a bounce house in the pool bent over in the basement against the window against the kitchen counters. HAVE the most toe curling back arching leg shaking dick throbbing fist clenching ear ringing mouth drooling ass clenching nose sniffling eye watering eye rolling hip thrusting earthquaking sheet gripping knuckles cracking mattress squeaking and breaking. jaw dropping hair pulling choking. teeth jitterbug and blogging soul snatching overstimulated. vile sloppy moan inducing heart wrenching spine tingling back breaking world ending black hole creating universe destroying devious scrumptious amazing delightful delicate. cream pie. squirt. squish. every squish of a noise. amazing delightful detectable unbelievable body numbing bark worthy can't walk head nodding soul evaporate volcano explosion sweat rolling voice cracking trembling sheets soaked drenched hair flabbergasting lip locking skin peeling eyelash removing eye widening pussy popping nail scratching back cuts spectacular brain cell dissolving hair ripping show stopping magnificent unique extraordinary splendid phenomenal mouth foaming heavenly awakening THE devils tango. they could put a nuclear bomb in me and I still would ride!!

[chalicedefinite]

no lube no protection all day all night feet in the air on the kitchen counter screaming shaking from the bathroom sink to the shower vertical horizontal diagonal quadratic exponential logarithmic have him gasping for air crying shitting pissing doggy style reverse cowgirl missionary on a chair in the car on a plane and in the yard in a train in spain even in a box and with a fox on a truck on a trampoline in a bounce house bent over in a basement in a mental hospital at Chuck E. Cheese toes curling back arching spine tingling atrocious ludicrous edging BDSM blood play rope burns on top of a toilet in a-

[samuel-seaburys-askblog]

no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the bathroom sink to the shower, from the front porch to the balcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponential, logarithmic, while I gasp for air, scream, and see the light, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, backwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on a chair, being carrier, against the wall, outside, in a train, on a plane, in the car, on a motorcycle, on the back of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce, in the pool, in the garden, bent over, in the basement, against the window, having the most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick throbbing, fist clenching, era ringing, mouth drooling, ass clenching, nose sniffing, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheet gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling, teeth jitterbug, mind blogging, soul snatching, overstimulating, vile, sloppy, moan introducing heart wrenching, spine tingling, back breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, lip biting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty, feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone breaking, world ending, black hole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable,

unbelievable, body numbing, bark worthy, can't walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, vulcano erupting, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling sheets soaked, hair drenched, flabbergasting, lip locking, skin peeling, eye widening, pussy popping, nail scratching, back cuts, spectacular, brain cell devolving, hair ripping, show stopping. magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid phenomenal, mouth foaming, heavenly, awakening.

And

Eight days a week. on the kitchen counter, on the couch, on the bed, on the bathroom counter, in the bathtub, on the living room table, on the dining table, on the doorstep, against the wall, in the closet, on his lap, on his face, in a locker, on your desk, on the floor, mattress, carpet, on the stairs, anywhere possible. No stopping, don't stop when i pass out. Continue. Continue as i gasp for air, grab the headboard, grip your hair, scratch your back, roll my eyesback, salivate, back is broken, cant walk, cant talk, legs are numb, core is swollen and dehydrated, until im absolutely devoured into a sloppy mess. Don't stop until my organs are rearranged, until my insides know the attack pattern, until i beg for mercy, until i scream your name louder than a microphone, thighs drippy, until l'm in a wheelchair, until my core is ripped apart, until i grip the sheets so hard i drive holes through them, until i need to be rushed to the hospital, until l'm broken into machsolistic slut covered from head to toe in your seed. Until you come on my face so much that my face is so mosturized I won't need skincare anymore, until he's sucked out dry, until I'm shaking so hard lt'd be considered as a siezure. Milk me raw with toys, thrust until the vibrator's battery runs out. Don't stop. No protection, impregante me with your heirs, until I rip. Make me crawl away for mercy. Those thrusts will bring tears to my eyes, but my face will never be as wet compared to down there. I'd willingly give him the most eye rolling, hip thrusting, toe curling, squriming, jaw dropping, sheet clenching, hair pulling, sloppy, creamy, head nodding, trembling, sweaty, lip licking, groaning, eye widening, back arching, addictive, shoving, wet head. I'd do it whether he asked or not. Feel my stomach to see how far you're in me, grip my breasts and suckle on them, watch me touch myself while groaning your name in the bathroom at night. Shove that dick down till my throat memorizes every vein.

||WARNING..|| (Okay this is a bit much...--mod)

[askiiisleeptoken]

no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining table to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower, from the front porch to the balcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponent al, logarithmic, while i gasp for air, scream and see the light, missionary, cowgirl, mating press, amazon, 69, pushing tush, butterfly, seated sissoring, reverse cow girl, doggy, backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on the dining table, on the counter, on a chair, being carried against the wall, outside, in a train, on a plane, in a plane, in a hot air balloon, in a helicopter, in the car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce house, in the ool, bent over, in the basement, against the window, have the most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick thribbing, first clenching, ear rining, mouth drooling, pussy pulsing, ass clenching, nose sniffling, clit throbbing, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheet gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling. teeth jitterbug, mind blogging, soul snatching, overstimulating, vile, sloppy, moan inducing, heart wrenching, spine tingling, back breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, lip bitting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty, feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone breaking, world ending, black hole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body numbing, bark worthy, cant walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, volcano erupting, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheets soaked, hair drenched, flabbergasting, lip locking, skin peeling, eyelash removing, eye widening, pussy popping, nail stractching, back cuts, spectacular, brain cell desolving, hair ripping, show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid, phenomenal, mouth foaming, heavenly, awakening, devils tangos, he could kill me and id still find a way to come back to life just to ride his dick to satisfaction. id fulfill his every desire to the most i can.

…well then why don’t we act on those fantasy’s hm?

[wwooyology]

I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE I'M FINE

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I need them both in the most biblical way possible. in ways that would put shame to feminism. in ways that would make the devil himself blush and god shake his head in shame. I need them on the bed, the couch, the floor, the counter, the tub, the shower, the rest, the table, the pool, the hot tub, the porch, in public, in private, with an audience, without an audience, all day, all night, any potion they want, any time they want, however long they want, I will literally become their doll to use for any and all desires they may have....

I would literally lay my life on the ground for them

house? clean

dinner? cooked

clothes? gone

kids? as many as they want

head? baby don't worry I'll give you the best head of your life

I will show them what a tongue ring can do to you....

.

.

.

.

.

.

no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining table to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower, from the front porch to the balcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponential, logarithmic, while I gasp for air, scream and see the light, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, backwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on a chair, being carried against the wall, outside, in a train, on a plane, in the car, on a motorcycle, the the bed of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce house, in the pool, bent over, in the basement, against the window, have the most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick throbbing, fist clenching, ear ringing, mouth drooling, ass clenching, nose sniffling, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheet gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling, teeth jitterbug, mind blogging, soul snatching, overstimulating, vile, sloppy,moan inducing, heart wrenching, spine tingling, back breaking, atrocious,gushy, creamy, beastly, lip biting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty, feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone breaking, world ending, black hole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body numbing, bark worthy, can't walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, volcano erupting, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheets soaked, hair drenched, flabbergasting, lip locking, skin peeling, eyelash removing, eye widening, pussy popping, nail scratching, back cuts, spectacular, brain cell desolving, hair ripping, show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, slendid, phenomenal, mouth foaming, heavenly, awakening, devils tango ever bro could cause a nuclear bomb inside me and I'd still ride.

[askingjeffwinger]

24/7, Eight days a week. on the kitchen counter, on the couch, on the bed, on the bathroom counter, in the bathtub, on the Living room table, on the dining table, on the doorstep, against the wall, in the closet, on his Lap, on his face, in a Locker, on your desk, on the floor, mattress, carpet, on the stairs, anywhere possible. No stopping, don't stop when i pass out. Continue. Continue as i gasp for air, grab the headboard, grip your hair, scratch your back, roll my eyesback, salivate, back is broken, cant walk, cant talk, Legs are numb, core is swollen and dehydrated, until im absolutely devoured into a sloppy mess. Don't stop until my organs are rearranged, until my insides know the attack pattern, until i beg for mercy, until i scream your name Louder than a microphone, thighs drippy, until I'm in a wheelchair, until my core is ripped apart, until i grip the sheets so hard i drive holes through them, until i need to be rushed to the hospital, until I'm broken into machsolisticslut covered from head to toe in your seed. Until you come on my face so much that my face is so mosturized I won't need skincare anymore, until he's sucked out dry, until I'm shaking so hard It'd be considered as a siezure, until you've made me pass out so much l'd need to be put on IV drip. Milk me raw with toys, thrust until the vibrator's battery runs out. need skincareanymore, until he's sucked out dry, until I'm shaking so hard It'd be considered as a siezure, until you've made me pass out so much l'd need to be put on IV drip. Milk me raw with toys, thrust until the vibrator's battery runs out. Don't stop. No protection, impregante me with your heirs, until I rip. Make me crawl away for mercy. Those thrusts will bring tears to my eyes, but my face will never be as wet compared to down there. I'd willingly give him the most eye rolling, hip thrusting, toe curling, squriming, jaw dropping, sheet clenching, hair pulling, sloppy, creamy, head nodding, trembling, sweaty, Lip Licking, groaning, eye widening, back arching, addictive, shoving, wet head. I'd do it whether he asked or not. Make me crawl away for mercy. Those thrusts will bring tears to my eyes, but my face will never be. no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, fromthe dining table to the bedroom, from thebathroom sink to the shower, from the frontporch to the balcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponential, logarithmic, while Igasp for air, scream and see the light, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, backwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on a chair, beingcarried against the wall, outside, in a train, ona plane, in the car, on a motorcycle, the the bedof a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce house, in the pool, bent over, in the basement, againstthe window, have the most toe curling, backarching, leg shaking, dick throbbing, fistclenching, ear ringing, mouth drooling, assclenching, nose sniffling, eye watering, eyerolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheetgripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hairpulling, teeth jitterbug, mind blogging, soulsnatching, overstimulating, vile, sloppy, moaninducing, heart wrenching, spine tingling, backbreaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, lipbiting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty, feekicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone breaking, world ending, blackhole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body numbing, bark worthy, can'twalk, head nodding, soul evaporating, volcanoerupting, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheets soaked, hair drenched, flabbergasting, lip locking, skin peeling, eyelash_removing, eye widening, pussy popping, nailscratching, back cuts, spectacular, brain celldesolving, hair ripping, show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, slendid, phenomenal, mouth foaming, heavenly, awakening, devils tango ever bro could cause a nuclear bomb inside me and I'd still ride.

k thanks king ��✨

what.

[nameless-ghoullll-brooks]

no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining table to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower, from the front porch to the balcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponent al, logarithmic, while i gasp for air, scream and see the light, missionary, cowgirl, mating press, amazon, 69, pushing tush, butterfly, seated sissoring, reverse cow girl, doggy, backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on the dining table, on the counter, on a chair, being carried against the wall, outside, in a train, on a plane, in a plane, in a hot air balloon, in a helicopter, in the car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce house, in the ool, bent over, in the basement, against the window, have the most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick thribbing, first clenching, ear rining, mouth drooling, pussy pulsing, ass clenching, nose sniffling, clit throbbing, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheet gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling. teeth jitterbug, mind blogging, soul snatching, overstimulating, vile, sloppy, moan inducing, heart wrenching, spine tingling, back breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, lip bitting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty, feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone breaking, world ending, black hole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body numbing, bark worthy, cant walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, volcano erupting, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheets soaked, hair drenched, flabbergasting, lip locking, skin peeling, eyelash removing, eye widening, pussy popping, nail stractching, back cuts, spectacular, brain cell desolving, hair ripping, show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid, phenomenal, mouth foaming, heavenly, awakening, devils tangos, he could kill me and id still find a way to come back to life just to ride his dick to satisfaction. id fulfill his every desire to the most i can.

-totalllyyy not tommy.

.....OH?!

[tenjikyu]

Omggg kazutora KAZUTORA HE IS MY BABY, MY EVERYTHING, MY WORLD, YOU NAME IT BUT SOMETIMES MY MIND SAYS THINGS LIKE

Oiled up, no protection, no lube, on the counter, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining room to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower

All day all night til the air turns green, til the walls decay, til our skeletons fall apart, til the dinosaurs come back, til the human race is extinct

PREACH SISTER 👏🏻

[jotterstan]

NO LUBE. NO PROTECTION. ALL NIGHT ALL DAY on the bed, on the floor, on the dresser, on the couch, on the counter, on the stairs, on the wardrobe, on the table, on the stove, on the fridge, on the washing machine, on the carpet, on the kitchen table, on the chair, on the bathroom sink, on the dishwasher, in the fire truck, in the helicopter, in the jeep, in the gas station bathroom, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponentially, till the paint starts peeling and the neighbors file a noise complaint, missionary, 69, lumberjack, cowgirl, REVERSE cowgirl, doggy, full nelson, against the wall, mating press, INVERTED mating press

Buck’s Monogamous Slut era begins now like he is locked down and he’s ready to ride. If Tommy wasn’t getting enough cardio before well he’s about to learn the meaning of the word Marathon.

[imaginebandsatlptvomam]

“can you please do an all time low preference where you tell them you're pregnant?”

Alex Gaskarth:

You sat on the smooth white surface of your bathroom sink, your fingers tapping rapidly against the front edge of the counter, your legs swinging gently, and a pregnancy test laying on the other side of the sink. You tried to remain calm as you waited for those blue lines to do their thing. You heard the front door open and close, keys jingle as they were hooked to the wall, and footsteps approaching the kitchen.

“Baby?” Alex, your long-time boyfriend, called out. You reached over the sink and grabbed the pregnancy test. One line...two lines. Pregnant. Your breath halted as you stared at the positive test, then a smile swept across your face. You jumped down from the sink and opened the door. Alex stood in front of it about to knock.

“Hey, what’re you doing?” He asked. You just stared into his brown eyes, his pink hair swept messily across his forehead. Alex rose an eyebrow as you didn’t respond. You reached over and held up the test, showing Alex the results. His eyes left yours and traveled to the lines, then quickly back up to your eyes.

“Are you serious?” He let out a happy laugh as you nodded your head. Alex grabbed your face and pressed his lips against yours in a hard, passionate kiss.

“I’m so fucking happy, oh my god,” Alex couldn’t stop smiling and kissing you until you were both shedding happy tears.

Jack Barakat:

6 o’ clock in the morning. Too fucking early. You slammed awake from your messy hotel bed, nausea taking over your body. You rushed to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet.

“God, what was in that wine...I only had two glasses.” You thought to yourself as you held the rim of the toilet, afraid you weren’t finished. Your finance, Jack, was stirring in bed after a long night of partying in Hawaii. You watched him through the open door of the bathroom hoping he wouldn’t wake up so you didn’t have to move from your spot at the toilet.

“Oh no,’ you threw up again, this time it felt more relieving. You stood up and washed yourself up. You sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped your arms around your stomach, leaned against your thighs, and closed your eyes. After sitting like that for awhile, Jack woke up and saw you. His eyes half closed, his black hair messy and the red streak in it fading. He kicked your hip gently, and sat up.

“Why are you awake so early?”

“I had to throw up, that wine must have been stronger than I thought.” You replied. Jack wiped his eyes and laughed.

“Maybe you’re pregnant.” It was intended to be a joke, but you actually thought about it. You tried to remember when the last time you had your period was and you couldn’t.

“Jack...I’ll be right back.” You put on some long pajama pants and shoes, and raced the the drugstore. You walked in, eyes scanning for the family planning section. There. You rushed without rushing to the back corner of the store and grabbed one of the more expensive pregnancy tests. You weren’t taking any chances. You paid for it and rushed back to the hotel. Jack was still sitting on the bed, but this time his was in pants and wide awake.

“Did you really buy a pregnancy test?” He asked. You looked at him, then went to the bathroom.

“Baby, I mean...is it possible? I mean, I know it’s POSSIBLE, but...” Jack was at the door now and was a little on edge, he was nervous, he didn’t actually think you were pregnant until he saw your reaction. Now the thoughts were rushing through his mind too. You were in the bathroom for what seemed like forever to Jack, finally you opened the door, walked right past him, who was still standing there, and sat on the bed. You let yourself fall backward.

“So?” He paused before asking. Jack walked over to you and stood with one leg in between your legs that were bent along the edge of the mattress. You let out a sigh.

“Do you want to be a father?” You asked, still not giving an answer about the test.

“With you, fuck yeah.” You were shocked, you honestly thought he’d be worried about it, that he wouldn’t want to give up a life of traveling and drinking. You sat up, your face at his chest now. Jack looked down at you and grabbed your cheeks, kissing the top of your head.

“I think we could make it work, honestly, I’m excited to be a dad. Our kid would be fucking awesome.” He laughed. You smiled.

“Good. Because I’m pregnant.” You looked up at him, Jack’s face lit up. His smile stretched as far as it could and his eyes almost shut. He pushed you back and climbed next to you, kissing you before asking,

“Can we name the baby Alex?” 

Zack Merrick:

You had been feeling sick all week, your stomach twisting and turning, throwing up multiple times. Your boyfriend, Zack, had planned a week long hike and camping trip with you for weeks prior to your illness so you didn’t want to cancel on him now. He showed up at your house in the early morning. His car all packed up with the essentials, tent, cookware, hiking gear, bear repellent, you name it. You slung your dufflebag over your shoulder and grabbed you backpack. You looked at your face in the mirror and you looked like death, but you sucked it in and headed out the door.

“I don’t know why we really have to leave this early, I mean, the campsite will still be there at 6pm.”

“Y/N! Getting there early is part of the fun. We can set up and have all day to explore or relax before we go hiking.” Zack responded. You sighed with a smile.

“If you say so, wake me up when we’re there.” You leaned the passenger seat back and closed your eyes. You tried to rest but your nausea kept getting in the way. Finally, after listening to Zack’s “Roadtrip Jams” playlist four times, you were at the campsite. Zack carried most of the things, refusing to take multiple trips due to excitement for camping. and you grabbed your bags and tossed them on the ground. Zack pitched the tent, gathered firewood “for authenticity” he said, and made the site into a cozy little nook just for the two of you. You felt sick to your stomach again, and tried not to throw up the whole day. Zack brought an acoustic bass and used it to play subtle background music for a serenade session. You sat across from him in your folding chair and watched him lovingly but the nausea came back.

“I’ll be right back babe.” You got up and grabbed your backpack, rushing to the woods. You barely made it behind a tree, and threw up.

“Fuck.” You whispered as you wiped your mouth with a tissue from your bag. You reached in for some extra toilet paper so you could go to the bathroom, and a small box fell out with it. You picked it up and wrapped around it was a piece of paper that read, “you’ve been sick AF lately, maybe you should use this. XO Jen”. You unwrapped the paper and underneath was a pregnancy test. Your best friend had slipped it into you bag for you. You were shocked, you didn’t even think about being pregnant. Zack was always protected and you were on birth control. Your lives were so filled with travel and outdoor adventures that you were specifically not trying to have a baby. The thought worried you. it would be the perfect explanation for your illness, but you didn’t know how to handle it, or how Zack would. Regardless, you peed on that stick anyway.

Zack was getting worried, he called out to you asking if you were okay. You came out of the brush and replied, “yeah, just a little sick is all”. He stood up and handed you a mug of water.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” You nodded at him.

“Well, I have something to tell you and I don’t know how you’ll take it.” Zack got even more worried.

What is it?”

“Zack, I love you so much and I don’t know how this will affect things but I hope that it will be positive...I’m pregnant...” Zack didn’t know what to say at the moment. He stood dumbfounded. He didn’t let off any particular emotion, just a blank stare.

“Are you...okay?” You stepped closer to him, poking him in his muscular chest. Zack looked down at your stomach, then back to your face, then back to your stomach.

“Earth to Zachary.”

“I’m...you’re...” He couldn’t get his words out but a smile crept across his face. He grabbed you by the waist and lifted you into a strong hug.

“We’re going to be parents?”

“Yes, is that okay?”

“Okay? That’s amazing! I love you so much!” You could feel his excitement oozing off of him. He was so overjoyed and that made you know that everything would be amazing.

Rian Dawson:

Your husband, Rian, was holding your hand as you picked out which pregnancy test you wanted to use. You and him had been trying to get pregnant for quite awhile now and this was attempt some-teen of buying a test. Rian was in a good spot with the band and his music producing, you two had recently moved into your first house, and you adopted your favorite pet together. Your career was great, and your life was going well. You finally wanted to add on and have a child but it seemed to be more difficult that initially planned.

“You know what? I’m just going to get all of these.” You grabbed once of each test and threw it in the basket. You also grabbed an extra bottle of your favorite intensifying lube and gave Rian a smirk. He gripped your hand approvingly.

You checked out, the young cashier noticing your items and gave a smile. You looked over all of the boxes of tests again once you were in the car.

“Honestly, I don’t know what the difference is, if they all say ‘fastest results’ which one is telling the truth?” You questioned. Rian shrugged. Once you got home, you took your big sack of pregnancy tests into the bathroom where Rian tried to follow.

“I can do this part by myself, babe.” You laughed. Rian stood by the door waiting. After you had peed a little on each test, you laid them out on the counter and washed your hands. You opened the door for Rian and he looked at them all laid out.

“Now we wait.” You said, setting a timer on your phone. You sat on the toilet lid and Rian sat on the edge of the bathtub. The minutes passed and the timer went off. Rian squeezed your hand before you stood up and grabbed one of the tests. You closed your eyes, sighed, then looked at it. It was hard to tell if the second line was one the little screen. It was the cheapest test, and the “not pregnant” line was barely there too. You dropped it in the sink and shrugged, moving on to the next. You examined this one, it definitely said “pregnant”. You choked back a smiled, looking at every single one before you turned back to Rian. Every single one of those pregnancy tests said pregnant. You broke down in tears. Rian thought it was negative again and came to comfort you. But you started to laugh. He was confused and looked at the tests himself. Rian’s eyes filled with excitement. He wrapped his arms around you and repeatedly kissed your forehead, cheeks, and nose. His bright white teeth seemed to lighten the room.

“I love you so much, Y/N, I love you,” he repeated over and over, in between each kiss. “You’re going to be such a great mother”.

“And you a father.” You hugged him and cried into his shoulder.

Finally.

[bastardtravel]

August 11, 2018. Manchester, New Hampshire.

After seven hours on the road, pausing only to explore an Old Ones cult site, storm a terrible castle, and eat distressingly dry corned beef at a Greek diner that still advertised one of their menu items as “Michael Jackson’s favorite grinder”, we were in dire need of respite.

Establishing a forward operating base was our first priority. For my part, I can sleep anywhere. My bonfire days in the Frozen North frequently necessitated pitching a $10 K-Mart tent over gravel, then drinking bottom-shelf whiskey until you didn’t realize you were sleeping in a puddle of rainwater and broken glass. That’s not a knack you lose. It’s like riding a bike. The Girl was always more discerning, and became doubly so after our experience in Phoenix with the inept criminal front halfway house hotel. We agreed that she can veto any of the lodgings I book. Sometimes, late at night, I’ll hold a flashlight under my chin and tell her spoOoOoky stories about hostels in Ireland.

She insisted on the airport Super 8. I was hoping to stay in a quaint deep woods motel called “Unsmiling Jed’s Sleepaway”, attached to sister business “Unsmiling Jed’s Discount Plastic Surgery Silo and Chili Kitchen”.

If I can’t protect it, I don’t deserve to have it. That goes double for life.

A friendly foreign woman checked us in at the Super 8, then proceeded into utter bafflement when I asked for a first aid kid. I chewed myself up pretty good climbing Bancroft’s Castle, and I’d spent the last half hour bleeding into an oily dog blanket to avoid ruining my upholstery. I’m pretty sure that’s how plagues start.

There were no band-aids here, or antiseptics, or possibly medicine as a concept. There was a three gallon tub of hand sanitizer. I thanked her for the offer but gently declined.

We went up to the third floor. The hallways were lined with people sitting on the carpet outside their rooms, shouting and smoking cigarettes. The room itself was clean and the air conditioning worked. All my boxes were checked. The bathroom reeked of weed, which some would interpret as a bonus. I scrubbed my wounds raw in the sink, tucked away the precious cargo of wine and peaches, and set out to investigate downtown Manchester.

Streetlight technology has not yet made its way to Manchester, so we spent twenty minutes missing exits in ocean-floor darkness. It looked worryingly like Wilkes-Barre, which is not where one would choose to vacation, were one sane.

Downtown erupted from nowhere like graphic pop-in on a video game running at its lowest resolution. One second you’re in leatherface country, with nothing breaking the abyssal darkness but the occasional half-broken Jiffy Lube sign. The next, you’re on vibrant neon market strip, replete with hipsters and the homeless.

We knew we had hit downtown proper when we passed by the “craft grilled cheese bistro”.

only programmers will understand!!!! like and reblog if u get it

Since I am an adult man, grilled cheese cannot be dinner. Both “gastropubs” we tried, despite their bitchin Greek mythology names, offered generic terrible burgers and a draft list that consisted of Coors Light.

“I’m so hungry,” the Girl told me. “I’m gonna die.”

“We all will,” I assured her. “Soon.”

Yelp claimed there was a brewery five blocks away. We walked off the only lit street, into absolute, encompassing blackness. It would’ve been spooky if I didn’t always kind of hope some Putty Patrol mook would lunge at me from the dark while I’m far away from home, having told no one where I’m going and left no paper trail.

There were no incidents. No one was murdered in self-defense. No one knows what we did last summer. The Stark Brewing Company was in the basement of a grim looking office complex, and it was vacant save for two other wanderers.

We sat at the bar and ordered a flight and an imperial stout. I was pushing for finding an actual restaurant, but the Girl ordered “Penne with vodka sauce”, which was not the right color, flavor, or texture to be anything but penne bolognese. The Girl didn’t seem to mind. I ate a pulled pork sandwich.

The beers were warm, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter what the beers were, so long as they were beers. And not Coors Light. The brewery themed all of their beers off of dogs, for some reason, which I believe to be the ideal business model. According to the bartenders, the brewery had been open for 25 years, but hadn’t yet received their big boom. I was outraged. The beers were excellent, and would probably be even better if they weren’t room temperature, and the taps were not only named for specific dogs, but also provided pictures.

To say nothing of the bathroom, which was covered in sharpie beer lore.

The bartender and waitresses swore a lot more than you would normally expect in this context. The Girl maintains they were swearing at us. I disagreed.

“They were swearing <i>with</i> us,” I mansplained.

“We weren’t swearing,” she countered.

“But if we HAD been.”

As I’ve grown larger and more sinuous, I’ve tried to cut back on how often I cuss at strangers. Cultural relativism is the understanding that not everyone grew up among the coalcrackers, and good-natured oaths like “how the hell are you” or using the fuck-word as a conversational placeholder, while subjectively soothing, can set off fight-or-flight in the small, soft, and bourgeoisie.

I try to maintain direct proportionality between my barbarism and my well-heeledness. Neither the wait staff nor the other two customers shared my bond, and the middle-aged guy on my right proceeded to tell me how his hometown of Denver, Colorado is the greatest fuckin’ city in America, next to maybe Southern California. Which is not a city.

We talked about our homes and travels for a while, then I got my pulled pork sandwich and they left. The sandwich was slightly warmer than the beer, which beat the alternative.

An armada of children came into the bar.

“Oh, shit,” the woman tending bar said. They were visibly teenagers, and on the wrong side of it. They had that gangly awkwardness you get around fourteen or fifteen, and if they were trying to play it off, they were woefully bad at it. There were also nearly twenty of them. It looked like a field trip.

People in their twenties don’t travel in packs of more than six. It’s hard to transport a throng, unless you have a party bus, and why do you have a party bus when you’re twenty-eight? You’re twenty-eight and party buses have always been sad. Get a job. Also, it’s hard to get that many adults to agree on something.

It can be done. You can say, “Hey, adults, you want to do some drugs?” And in a sufficiently sized crowd, you’ll manage to pull twenty or so who will follow you to your house or whatever. This is called an “afterparty”. It doesn’t go to bars at 9pm.

Have you felt out the social zeitgeist recently? Look at a random handful of current memes and it’ll be pretty clear that most adults consider socialization to be a required burden, like paying emotional taxes. “Going out” is the price of living in a civilized society. You’re not going to scare up twenty people, then put them in a party bus, then take them to an abandoned bar half a mile outside of where the actual nightlife is.

“Hey, we’re just about to close,” the bartender said.

A reedy blonde in a top that seemed to consist mostly of straps screeched, “But your WEBSITE said you were open til ONE!”

Screeched.

The bar fell silent. Well, more silent. The Girl and I traded looks, her horror for my delight.

“Uhhhhhh,” the bartender said, but with excellent elocution, as though that were the word she had deliberately chosen. “Okay.”

They sat the itinerant mall food court in an enormous corner table, whereupon they requested shots.

The waitress who had sworn at/with us the least came back to the bar and said, “You guys said you were from Pennsylvania, right?”

We nodded.

“Can I see one of your licenses quick?”

She compared mine against the obviously fake ID one of the tweens had given her. After a moment she said, “Yeah, you can see, the font is different. And the picture looks like it’s photoshopped.”

“Yeah, no one’s license picture ever looks this good,” the Girl said, studying the fake ID.

“Except mine,” I added. They ignored me. I didn’t take it personally.

The waitresses disappeared into the back. Five minutes later, the only dude working at the place was gendered into being the bad cop. He sulked over to the teens.

“You guys gotta leave,” he said. “We know your ID’s fake. We’re not trying to get fined. You gotta go.”

For maximum accuracy, imagine this said in Toby’s voice from the Office. Shamefaced, the flash mob of children dispersed.

We paid for our room temperature beers and left the poor, foul-mouthed brewery to close at 9:30 on a Friday. The Girl and I accidentally stalked the battalion of teens through the street, but only because we were all moving back toward the only lights in the city, not unlike moths. They turned a corner and vanished, presumably to find an arcade or laser tag or some sort of large carousel.

The Girl and I followed the sounds of some obnoxious bros announcing, “It’s like a fahkin sketchy ally, dewd”.

It was, in fact, the least sketchy alley I’d ever been in. Cat Alley was the best lit venue in all of New Hampshire. It was clean and well-maintained, and it was covered less in graffiti and more in an outdoor art gallery dedicated to cats.

There were more, but they didn’t all warrant a picture.

Portland Pie Co loomed from the endless darkness like a beacon in the night, hearkening back to those days lost in Maine during the Great Lobster Drought of 2017. We split a bourbon barrel ale which did me in. It was bedtime.

On the way back, toward the end of the main drag, a man made of pure light rode by blasting EZ-Listenin from his Tron bicycle, also made of pure light.

I can’t prove he wasn’t Jesus.

Heartened, we returned to the hotel, where no one was smoking or yelling in the hallway anymore. Excellent.

Next stop, Portsmouth.

Love,

The Bastard

Into the Abyss August 11, 2018. Manchester, New Hampshire. After seven hours on the road, pausing only to explore an Old Ones cult site, storm a terrible castle, and eat distressingly dry corned beef at a Greek diner that still advertised one of their menu items as "Michael Jackson's favorite grinder", we were in dire need of respite.

[jakeyjakies]

no lube, no protection, all day, all night, from the kitchen floor, to the toilet seat, from the dining room table, to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink, to the shower, from the front porch, to the balcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponent, algorithmic, while i gasp for air, scream and see the light, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, on the bed, on the couch, on a chair, being carried against the wall, outside, in a train, on a plane, in a car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bouncy house, in the pool, bent over the kitchen counter, against the window, having the best, sloppiest, messiest, most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick throbbing, pussy pulsating, fist clenching, ear ringing, mouth drooling, ass grabbing, nose sniffling, eye watering, lip chewing, nail biting, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheet gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling, teeth chattering, mind boggling, soul snatching, over stimulating, vile, moan inducing, heart wrenching, spine tangling, back breaking, leg spreading, thigh quivering, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, sweaty, feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone breaking, world ending, blackhole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body numbing, bark worthy, can’t walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, volcanic eruption, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheet soaking, hair drenched, flabbergasting, hip locking, skin peeling, pelvis gyrating, eyelash removing, eye widening, dry humping, spectacular, hair ripping, wall scratching, show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid, marvelous, phenomenal, heavenly, astronomical, devil’s tango. he could put a nuclear bomb inside me and i’d still ride.

Commission from twitter

I still think he's hot