#no job means i cant take care of her myself and i’m not having my parents pay for her

[luxcruor]

.* hooboy

[fadedin2u]

hi rose toy, could you write about ellie comforting reader with body insecurities? love your writing and have a good day!!

here’s a little drabble!! this was super therapeutic to write, thank u for the lovely request anon!

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“i just- i don’t like myself, ellie. i don’t like anything about how i look,” you finally admit, sick of your own thoughts plaguing your mind.

ellie’s eyes are full of heartache as she says, “but i do. i like everything about how you look.”

the response makes your heart bleed more, and your lip trembles.

“you have to say that. you’re my girlfriend.”

ellie shakes her head, “hey. that’s not true. i’m not gonna say anything to you that i don’t mean, you know that.”

you look down, not wanting her to see the tears building in your eyes. “i just… i can’t help but notice how many fucking things are wrong with my body. with my face. with me.”

ellie frowns, “what makes any of it wrong? where’s the guide book telling you how you’re supposed to look?”

you get irritated in spite of knowing ellie’s good intentions, “everything tells me i’m supposed to look different than how i do, ellie. you’re the fucking beauty standard, no offense, but you have no idea what it feels like to not be.”

ellie’s eyes flash with hurt from your words, but she covers it well.

you sigh, ashamed, wiping your face, “i’m sorry, els, really. i’m not trying to pick a fight with you or make you feel like shit too, i just hate living with how i look everyday.”

ellie smoothes her hands over your sides, “do you want to know what i think?”

you take a breath and slowly nod.

“not everything about you fits the beauty standard. that’s true. but the beauty standard was created by rich, white men who are trying to make a goddamn profit off of women fucking hating themselves. so women just perpetuate this bullshit standard, because they feel like it’s attached to their worth as a human being, and everyone feels like shit, except for the dudes who’s pockets are getting fuller each time someone goes in to get a fucking lypo treatment or a nose job.”

you stay quiet, listening, even though this isn’t necessarily new information to you.

ellie takes a breath, “so, maybe not all of you fits into that stupid model of a fake woman, but how the fuck does that make you less beautiful? i love how you look naturally, because you’re fucking real, gorgeous, and human. i don’t want a fantasy girl that fits perfectly into a porn-brain infected, white, straight, limp-dick’s wet dream. i want you. i want how you look naturally, when you’re healthy and happy. because that’s when you look the most beautiful to me, no matter what.”

you take a breath. “so you’re honestly saying you wouldn’t prefer if i was more stereotypically attractive?”

ellie rolls her eyes, “that doesn’t fucking mean anything to me. i’m very fucking attracted to you, and that’s all that matters. i wouldn’t change a thing about how you look, ever.”

you nod slowly, and she pulls you into a tight hug.

“it makes me sick that you feel like you’re innately wrong in some way, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. if you’re giving yourself enough food, taking care of your body, and you’re happy, that’s exactly how you should be looking. okay?”

you know that ellie’s words don’t take away your feelings of insecurity, but it helps soothe some of the sting, the hurt.

“i’m sorry for making you preach self-love to me,” you say, smiling a little, trying to lighten the mood.

ellie looks serious as she says, “i will again. anytime you need it. i cant stand the thought of the most perfect thing in my life hating how they naturally look. i’ll say it a billion times if you need it, i promise.”

she kisses your forehead.

“do you think take-out would help you feel better? because i think it would.”

[atinystaypixie]

Ranting cuz i need to get things off my chest and feel insane n over life

I’m so damn tired. I stay home to take care of my mother n the constant backlash i get from her is astounding. Always saying i have an attitude n that my face makes her upset. I literally am passing out from exhaustion during the day cuz i can never sleep properly and I usually am jumping out my sleep to come help her and she somehow takes it as me having an attitude and being a bitch—literally called me a bitch, despite me telling her several times its just my face and i cant control it. And then the constant saying im going to Hell because im treating her so terribly. Im trying my best but when i say that she point out that trying isnt good enough and im being a bitch. And she tells me im not taking responsibility for my actions but when i tell her she isnt either cuz she never wants to hear that she talks harshly to me and my sister then its a problem. I just dont get it. I cant do more than im doing and the moment something gets dirty or messy then all hell breaks loose. Im taking care of YOU and am home by MYSELF with you pretty much all fay everyday so excuse me if i cant clean like a damn slave 24/7, take care of you, and manage my school work all in one day. She keeps saying how she never took her time to do anything when it came to me n my sis and that we are terrible kids for taking so long to do anything she ever asks. Aka with me she means if i dont come running in .2 secs of her calling me n this usually happens when im so exhausted i dont hear her. Its a damn if i do and damn if i dont thing almost cuz if i do come quick enough i look ugly and bitchy to her but if i dont come quick enough…i still look ugly and bitchy to her AND i definitely have an attitude. Idk how she expects me to smile when she literally berates and fusses at me 24/7 for even the smallest things especially things i tell her arent happening the way she says. But if I say that she always hits me with the “no you want to play me as crazy! My mind aint gone”- yall im so tired this back and forth and not even being able to apologize and trying to be civil just to be met with curses is crazy. I would see if I genuinely had an attitude but even trying to talk it out leads to no fucking where. Im already depressed and trying not to relapse into bad habits but damn what did i do to deserve this like this? Ik im not a perfect caregiver but i literally stayed home from college and opted to do online courses to help take care of her, i opted to not find a new job, i opted to actually try and be here for her n this is all im met with everyday? Im just tired

[xoluvx]

hello my loveeee! I was the one that had a little query i need some help on. Thank u for hearing me out, okay it’s a long one so STRAP IN (not the smut kind HAHA) alrighty Welp here goes

I’m in love. And I’m in love with someone I can’t have. Last year I met this girl, she’s way older than me and is already in a committed relationship for years. But anyway. I Met her at work, she originally trained me up to do my job and then we bumped into eachother at a convention. Since that day we became friends and regularly (monthly and sometimes weekly) planned to see eachother. Eventually she left her job and moved to another role in the organisation so I still got to see her. Anyway, then we did a big group activity with another friend of hers and I had another friend of mine, but i told her I missed her cos i didn’t get a chance to talk properly. AnywYs, few months go by, still the same stuff happening it’s going fine. Altho She had some serious health issues with her family earlier in the year and I told her I was there for her if she needed ANYTHING. And then July comes by. Man. I probably had one of the worst weeks in July, and I didn’t even tell her half of it. She didn’t even ONCE say “oh I’m so sorry to hear about this I hope you’re ok, or NOTHING”,. Eventually I updated her on one thing and she was like “you did good”. THE HECK? Then she made me a beanie (she loves to crochet) as a token of support. But after that? NOTHING. We’ve barely texted, our next organised day to see eachother isn’t till THE END OF OCTOBER AND I ASKED FOR OUR NEXT ACTIVITY DAY BACK IN THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST. ITS A TWO MONTH WAIT, R U KIDDING. And now she’s hanging out with the same friend we did our big group activity with along with her partner. She met this other friend before I came along and they’ve known eachother for years. And I’m VERY aware of it. Bht I get so jealous every time they post shit together because a year ago that was me. I just don’t understand where it all went wrong. I have one bad week and it’s like i always need to be happy otherwise I’m no ‘use’ to her. I’m barely in my 20s. She hasn’t even reached out to say she ‘misses me’ like she used to. Reciprocation is non existent.

’ve been so blinded by her, and fueled my fantasy of her that when i take the rose coloured glasses off i CANT Even fathom the true person she actually is. She’s still that person I was in awe of at the start, but picking up on things she says and does makes me raise eyebrows, and frankly it breaks my heart because it hurts so much. It hurts so so much. She played me like I’m a fool and I was so blindly infatuated with her. She was also really touchy felt too, we held hands and hugged all the time. I had never had that with a friend before.

She opened my eyes up to affection I had never had, i wrote her letters on her birthday, gave her gifts, chocolates and food. I had NEVER done that for anyone else that fast in my life. I even purposelfully made myself stay up late for her till 1-2am just so I could message her cos I knew she’d be up at that hour. And I’m so scared that I might be losing her after falling down the rabbit hole. Y’all I was so careful. I WAS SO SO CAREFUL AT THE START. BC I KNEW WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO. And then she just drew me in only to spit me back out. And I feel awful. I feel like a dickhesd for falling in love with a girl that only broke my heart more. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get out of it.

Thanks for reading this, I’d love anyone’s advice and thoughts. I love you x

dear anon that fell in love with someone they can't have,

this was a doozy. when i tell you i went through every emotion-

first, this isn't your fault. you physically cannot control who you fall for. no matter how careful you are. especially considering this person led you on and made you feel like there might've been a chance at something more.

second, you have to set boundaries with this person. maybe that means cutting back on your monthly activities little by little.

i think everything happens for a reason and everything has a purpose in the longer scheme of life. some people are meant to just be in your life for a short time. it seems like this is the case. you shouldn't stall your life because of this person.

i know this is all so much easier said than done, but it's time to move on with your life even if it means leaving her in the past. your heart will heal, but you will never get those years you've spent pinning over a person who could care less about your well-being.

i love you. thank you for sharing with me and trusting me.

calling all my babies - additional advice is welcomed 💖

[laffy-taffy-creations]

Day 1 of whumptober!

This fic was cross-posted on Ao3 here

Just One Day

Safety Net | Swooning | "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Words: 1,040

Warnings: sickness, overexertion, self-hatred, human experiments, broken promises, adultification of a minor, child abuse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, uhhh…3?” someone asked.

I turned. “Oh, hey 7. What’s up?”

“9 sent me to see you. Whatcha doing?”

“Fixing the home remedy for tonight’s batch of allergic reactions. Our stupid ‘caretakers’ decided that fish sticks would be a brilliant choice of dinner despite at least 170 of the nearly 300 of us being allergic to fish or the oil the use to fry shit.”

“Really?”

I scoffed, “I know right? You’d think they’d realize what a bad idea that is.”

“No,” she said, “I mean you know how to combat allergic reactions?”

I looked at her confused. “Yeah, I’ve been the one making the remedies for everyone since being chosen as an experiment… did you really not know this?”

“I mean, I knew someone was making them, but I figured it would be one of the adults, not… you… do you even have allergies?”

“No, but that doesn’t really matter?”

She was stunned. “3. You’re 11. Are you trying to tell me that ontop of caring for literally every person in this facility, teaching everyone Japanese, making sure we’re all safe and that fights dont break out, keeping us educated as possible, ensuring we all make it to sleep at night and tending to the other kids teens and sometimes adults that have issues sleeping, you’ve also been the person keeping track of allergies and making the drinks infused with whatever it is that keep allergies from being life threatening?”

“Uhhhh, yeah? Why is that so confusing to you?”

“3! You’re 11 for crying out loud! Are you trying to tell me you’ve been single-handedly taking care of everyone in every aspect imaginable SINCE YOU WERE NINE?!?!?!”

“7. Calm down.”

“I will NOT! You’re a fucking fifth grader taking care of nearly 300 people on your own!”

“And I’ve been doing that job just fine for 2 years.”

“3-”

“Sayovai.”

“No, I dont wanna hear it, what the actual fuck 3?-”

“Sayovai.”

“You cant be serious, I mean-”

“SAYOVAI! YEHLISA UMOYA!”

She finally paused.

“I am fine. You are fine. I am doing what I have to so we can all survive here, I’m our safety net. Ngicela ungithembe nje, kulungile?”

She took a deep breath and nodded. “Fine. So long as you promise awuzicindezeli… you can promise me that, akunjalo?”

I laughed a bit. “Yebo, ngiyathembisa.”

“Good.”

----《 ¤ 》----

I tried to keep my promise.

----《 ¤ 》----

“3, you doing good?” Max asked me.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I think, just a mild sickness…”

He paused. “Go back to your room.”

“What?”

“Go back to your room. If you’re sick right now, you have to go rest.”

I protested, “I’m fine Max! It’s just a mild sickness of some sort…”

“OV, if you could see yourself right now, you’d know damn well this isn’t ‘mild sickness’.”

I scoffed.

“You’re barely walking right now.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying, I-! Actually, you know what, stay right fucking there, I’m getting 9.”

“Okay, but I’m telling you, it’s not that bad.”

I waited for a while.

They finally returned but… Was I on the floor now? When had that happened?

There was some noise, it was faint. Like someone was calling to me. I saw what looked like a hand in front of me. I made some sort of noise, trying to respond. I felt like I should be panicking, but I had too little energy.

Next thing I knew, I was off the ground. Was someone carrying me? Everything was blurry. I could barely keep my eyes open.

Then it was soft.

Incredibly soft. I recognized the feeling of a bed.

I melted into the dark surrounding me. Eventually my hearing cleared. And I was able to open my eyes again.

“3? 3 are you awake?” I heard.

“Mmmmmm…”

“Hey, hey! Dont fall asleep again! Look at me,” it sounded like Relena.

I opened my eyes and weakly pushed myself up. This whole situation was so vague in my memory… I feel like I have something to do…

“Hey, 3, look at me. How many fingers am I holding up?”

I concentrated as best I could. “Mmmm…. Four?” I guessed.

She sighed and put her hand down, “No OV… Just rest, I’ll take care of today. You’re too out of it to do anything right now.”

That jogged my mind a bit. There’s… a lot of us… in the building… I’m meant to be taking care of us… I’m meant to be taking care of us!

I instantly started to get out of bed and was just as instantly pushed back into in. “No 3! You stay here!”

“I’m meant to… be taking care of… the others right now!” I slurred.

“No! I’m taking care of the others today! You’re sick!”

My vision started getting blurry again and I could feel a tightening in my throat. “But I-"

“But nothing! Rest!”

I felt something warm go down my cheek. “I’m supposed to- I’m our safety net! If I’m not there and something really bad happens-”

“We’ll take care of it! There’s more people than just you here, 3. If things really go wrong, we’ll figure it out.”

I was starting to have some trouble breathing. Crying. That’s what’s happening. I’m sobbing.

“But- the, the others-”

“Vee, I can take over for a day. It’s one day. You’re usually our safety net. Let us be yours.”

She lifted my mask and wiped away my tears. “We’ll be fine. Just take a break. You’ve already done way too much for your age. Just one day, okay?”

I nodded as best I could. I ended up crying myself back to sleep. Even after waking up again, this time alone in my room, I couldn’t shake the feeling I’d somehow failed everyone.

It should’ve been fine. I should’ve been able to handle it. It’s my job to take care of the others. Today shouldn’t have been any different.

“Hey, 3, you awake in here?” someone called from the doorway after a while, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, what is it Agno?”

“Dinnertime. C’mon, join us. We missed you today.”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a bit, just gimmie a moment.”

You shouldn’t have missed me today. Because I should’ve been there. I should’ve been there.

[attackradish]

Hello my mental health is the worst it’s been all year. If not longer

I could verify this by going through my vent tag but I am not going to because that takes time. This trait of mine is part of the problem but I’m not in a place to fix that right now.

ANYWAYS why am I like this. I have some inklings as to why.

Work is now opening an hour sooner. Meaning I have to wake up earlier and I have been losing sleep as a result. This is not good for the Mental Health

Current drama with a coworker that I am not going to go into that because it’s complicated and rather stupid.

Today was supposed to be my Tax Day where I did my Taxes but I was hit by dread this morning so I didn’t get around to it until like 5PM and then realized I don’t have one of my W2 forms and I can’t go looking around for that because my dad will tell me how stupid I am and how I never care about anything and am doing this on purpose. And I actually can’t care about anything I feel, but it’s not like I’m not trying it’s just that I have no soul.

I cannot give my friends the attention they deserve. I am burnt out I have no energy left for being a friend and yet there are people who miss me. And I can’t be there often enough for them not to miss me. I am neglecting them and I am a terrible person but I need to be alone.

I really do feel that I have reached my full potential. There is simply not enough caring or gumption or whatever it is I’m missing in this body of mine to achieve anything further. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move out or date or even get a job I like better than DQ. I’m done being closeted in my parents house and I’m ready to quit early.

I can’t quit early. Firstoff I have friends who care about me, and I can’t imagine what it’d do to them. I’ve got a baby niece in the house too who smiles when she sees me so I gotta live for her too. And that’s not mentioning how difficult and impractical non-painful methods of dying are. Seriously. Best option I have is locking myself in the walk in freezer with a CO2 canister, but I learned from a cool book I read that high concentrations of CO2 will make you feel like you’re suffocating, and the best gas for that purpose is Nitrogen. Which costs money and is very conspicuous.

I also don’t want to die. I just want the suffering to be over, and death really seems to be the only way out aside from Miracles like universal housing passing within the next year or two, or I attain Godhood and can just do as I please. I think about dying and it makes me want to cry. Being on the verge of tears for long periods of time really does something for my perception of my mental health, being that I haven’t been like this since the family dog died. Maybe crying would do me good.

I should probably get a therapist but I don’t have time or energy for my friends, scheduling these things takes time and effort and I don’t want to have to talk to my parents about it. I should probably get antidepressants. Also my laundry basket from yesterday isn’t even all the way filled up and it’s 9:58. And I have work tomorrow but no uniforms. God I just need to rest.

BUT HERE’S THE THING ABOUT REST. I’VE ALREADY HAD A WEEK OFF OF WORK BECAUSE OF THE FEVER. MY JOB IS UNDERSTAFFED AND I CANT MAKE THEM SUFFER THROUGH THAT AGAIN AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

Anyways I have been putting no effort into finding a place since like last year, or finding a therapist. Or really anything. I’m not sure if I can even do that. I have reached my limit. I’m simply not much substance. I’m nice to have around and talk to but quite frankly I don’t have it in me to actually survive on my own. I don’t have it in me to die either. So who knows what is going to happen. I’m going to rot forever. Dying a slow death with nothing but fantasy to dull the edges.

I have a friend who’s offered to let me crash at their place, but I can’t take them up on that offer because I’ll just be the same lifeless rock that I am. Forever. And I can’t do that to them. If I can’t break free on my own then I’m afraid I never will. My chrysalis will just stay gathering dust. Sapping resources. I need to grow wings but I don’t know if I can.

So here I remain. Closeted at my parent’s house. Probably forever. The brain does not engage. I’ve been dead for years but the body still breathes. This is all I am and it is not enough. I’m gonna pretend I live in Star Wars now until I forget the useless thing that I am. I have work tomorrow.

[dolciume]

okay so the reason i was upset w friends bc is bc i was rly rly rly rly insane person stressed and i told my friend eve everything abt the situation at work that i had a childs life in my hands 5 a week and i’m just a first year new para 😬 basically i was assigned to a very very very dangerous suicidal 14 year old child and i got so insane in an e-mail to 4 people that they took me off the case 😬 on friday i emailed my middle boss, my head boss, the child’s care manager, and the other para assigned to the job. i said i will not ever take this child for 10 days by myself. they wanted us to do a 2 week (10 day) rotation of just this child for 6 hours no break at all. like just me and her all week. they wanted me and 2 other adults to do this rotation schedule. in my email i was so fucking crazy and unprofessional but i wasn’t mean i just said like I CANT DO 10 DAYS IN A FUCKING ROW as calmly as i could 4 times. i also told the truth: i do not eat or sleep well anymore and i come to work with my hands shaking and sweating every single day. 5 days a week and on the weekend i agonize about going in work on monday. this child is very ill and i cannot take her case. i am cutting myself really really severely. i am drinking and doing drugs severely. i cannot live like this. i cannot care for myself none the less a suicidal child who i sincerely believe could die any day now. i believed for some time that it was God’s penance, and while i still believe that i MUST escape it.. i must be free… :,(

but even though i DID GET TRANSFERRED OFF HER CASE!!! i’ve still been crying since i know the issue is not resolved… she is still an abused child

i don’t think things will get better… i have no one to lean on or support me… i really wish i was dead

[dipshit-does-crimes]

paranoia agent is fuuucked the third episode?????? deals with what a ‘perfect’ DID system looks like. to me, at least, and that’s gunna get everyone to hate me lmao. she hates her alters and it looks fucking torturous and awful and they have to communicate through outside means and can’t through their head and they actually have different personalities and different identities and are actually people separate from whoever the host is and you CANT EVEN TELL and i’m sure this is a perfect portrayal of what it’s like for so many people.

and here i am, some endogenic fuckwad that doesn’t even have a good goddamn reason to exist besides “being the mask” or WHATEVER THE SHIT THAT MEANS. can’t even leave front, still forgets everything because i spent too much of my childhood blocking everything out and can’t even control it anymore. actually i don’t even know if that was me. i was just invented for some reason by the actual host to deal with idfk, living? i can communicate basically perfectly with headmates in my fucking head like a weirdo unless i somehow manage to block them out because all they say is “oh no atlas get some help” and “you should take care of yourself :[[[“ and do you not think i know that????? i know perfectly fucking fine that my job is to make or break the body’s health and so far i’m breaking it down into pieces. all i do is make everyone feel like shit and i can’t even help and don’t tell me i’m fucking wrong, okay? don’t lie because ive heard enough of that shit. cuz that’s all this is, isn’t it? just me going around being a screaming crying teen idiot painting a so called perfect picture of what ‘systems’ look like while i don’t even know if i actually fucking existed in the first place or if i’m just a porcelain mask superglued onto someone betters face for too long and it’s much too late to remove it because the fibers of the material have become the skin of their face at this point. and this is the part where i realise that this stupid “unreality” BULLSHIT i had been thinking it was was just me telling the damn truth about my existence. i knew i had always been much too grounded to ever be dissociative or even let myself leave the shitshow that’s become the present to daydream something better.

and here i am just trying trying trying to get attention by screaming about it on tumblr because actually talking to anyone is bullshit and literally never helps anyone and i don’t know where that fucking myth came from. all it does is make the other person leave and never come back because who wants to hear about shitty problems that will never mean anything in the long run and are so easily forgettable that you wonder how it even became a problem in the first place. what kind of incessant idiotic bastard would get so hung up on something so useless that it makes them want to fucking kill themselves??? like woooo, do you want a damn badge for being the most pointless person in the world? and you still take it anyway because at least someone finally acknowledges you for what you are despite that it’ll just make everything worse and you’ll just grow far far far too attached to the stupid thing.

so anyway tl:dr im a suicidal endogenic plural having an identity crisis as per usual having too many thoughts for finals week to be this soon.

anyone’s welcome to come tell me that i’m the worst and endos don’t exist and that im just an attention seeker appropriating DID culture for funsies and that the world would be better off without shitbags like me existing. you can get your fun and maybe i’ll actually get the balls to do it this time instead of just fantasizing about how nice death must be

[faint-frankie]

（ 11-15-2024 ） daily post? idk how often i’ll do this.

tw(s) - none. i just have a panic attack / meltdown lolllz

f; Mikey/Frankie - host

— art ; 9:20AM - 10:30AM ( 2nd period )

i'm so behind in this class 😭 im literally an artist but like i just don't pay attention alot of the time.. im trying to get back on it but idk

next period is urban conservation and i'm going crazy because my boyfriend won't be here today and that period (+ the rest of the day) is whenever i spend time with him.. AND HIS PHONE IS BROKENNNNN I MISS MY HUSBAMMDNDND (hashtag bpd struggles i want my fp)

speaking of husband our 2montths is tmrw!!! yay! im peeing with excitement like a dog cuz like 2months???? YAYYYY cant wait for marriage

uodate im not trying in art class rn. i dont care rn y’all im just gonna draw on my own. EFF ZEN TANGLES IM TOO TIRWDDDDDD DUDE 😒

my mom has no money but i want food frm the vending machinr and she doesnt let me get a job (or my permit.) so im just fucked i guess!

ok rn im lowkkey having a huuuuge fuckin panic attack like okay!!!!!!!!! awsum!!!! ahahahababababbaa. can i be okay is that an option

last night i had a dream about being in a psych ward. i’ve had them in the past, usually like a few time a year? they’re slowly getting more personal and realistic and i’m actually so scared that’s a sign.. cuz i’ve had dreams wiht meaning before that come truw :/

im so anxious im DYING!!!!!! my head hurttss... listening to misfits while crashing out is probs stupid on my end so ill chnage it.... :(

— urban c. ; 10:40AM - 11:50AM ( 3rd period )

ugh i actually camt focus :( ill probably just draw i feel lkke shit. walking frm my last class to this one wore me outtt....... :/ i got so fuckkng scared since my safe person isnt here and i kinda thought so.eone would kill me at any moment but ir hasnt happened yet.

oh thank god he went bcak over the answers.... i had no idea what was going on...

f; Khris & co; Johnnie

— lunch ; 11:50AM - 12:20PM ( approx,, )

i'm sitting at lunch with our friend rn! she's like on the phone rn,,, so i'm fucking around on my computer until next period i guesss. i think our bf is hopefully getting his phoen fixed??? god i hope so .. im stalking his location like a freak but tbh frankie showed me it because he stalks him alot... WITH HIS CONSENNTNTT

our friend rly likes andy biersack so she told me abt his tattoos... i sadly know like nothing abt black veil brides but i think its coooll

some kid is shouting abt cishet white men,,, errr like ok i get the hate but cmon. i'm not really eating at lunch im just hangin hereee

someone is talking loudly about their alters, idk how to feel abt that.

i did one assignment in the middle of lunch, its so fucking hot out im dying....FUCKKK IT WAS LIKE 37 THIS MORNNINGNGN

— asian studies ; 112:30PM - 1:45M ( 4th )

i got to class late... by like 1 min tho so its chill. i talked to my friend abt some weird shit which was interesting? im exhausted kinda. im hot but cant take off my hoodie cuz my scars :/

ughhhghghhg i have catch up work to do and suddenly im dissociating this is bullshit

f; Loretta

I'm going to be typing properly, because typing.. however that is, makes my head hurt. I'm currently trying to get some work done while keeping us calm. I want to work on our craft/practice, but school comes first. I have no idea what's happening after school, as our boyfriend cannot text and school ends soon. I'll just plan it out as best as I can in my head? I definitely need us to do laundry. It's piling up very bad.

f; mikey / frankie & co ; loretta

BO9YFRIEND HAS PHOENBBACK OGGOG BOFYRIENDNDDND

i'm so shakey and can't process noise and all that.. everything is so weird im so scared of everythint spsoososooss bruh. time to research the brobecks to soothe myself

— media ; 1:50 - 3:00PM ( last period. )

i feel absolutely horrible. i cant brwathe i reel like im going to sob amd puke i jsyt wannabgo hoke

my mom isnt answrring me like o hate her but lowkey olease acknlwlddmge im habing a panic attaxi

im aboutnto cry in class i cant takehrhjjs. im havjng flashbadks too. i justbwanna go home

im about ti leave school thank fuck. i feel awfuk and just cant think. i keep thinking abt the weird psych ward dream i had.

okay im going to ennd this journal thing here since its longnand boring and infeel like shit

if you actuallt read this, thank you:3

[gggh0st]

I’ve been sick lately and it’s obviously a burden to those around me. I’m a burden in many ways, but I guess this has been the thing eating away at me.

I have all the symptoms of bronchitis. Yippee. I’ve been dodging going to urgent care for about a week now, because my girlfriend really wants me to go and I really really fucking don’t want to. I don’t trust doctors or hospitals and I know it’s the trauma that’s causing me to act like this about medical shit but I feel like I’m allowed to be scared at least. It’s hard to explain to her, she doesn’t get it. My girlfriend has been in and out of hospitals so much it’s just another thing you have to do for her, she has her own bad memories from hospitals but it’s clear she doesn’t understand my feelings about it and it’s frustrating but I cant blame her. I haven’t been to a hospital in 9 years, or willingly gone to a doctor in 6. I refused to even visit my mom for the birth of my last two siblings because of this overwhelming horror I get from even the thought of being inside a hospital. Hospitals bring bad things, the doctors are mean and the nurses are meaner and nobody listens.

But I’m getting sicker. No fever thank god, but now I’m struggling to hold food down and my coughing fits have turned into me gasping for air and sending myself into a panic attack because I cannot fucking breathe at all. I called out of work today and lost a job opportunity because I finally agreed to go to urgent care because last night I basically woke up choking on my own mucus and unable to breathe for about a minute straight. I finally fucking caved and I want to go, but guess what?

I don’t have a car. My girlfriend doesn’t have a car. A walk to the bus stop is a mile and a half and my girlfriend can’t make that and I won’t go alone. I’m scared to ask my girlfriends brother for a ride because he already has to pick me up from work all the time and he and his fiancé have shit to do today. And my other roommate with a car is busy today and when I mentioned having to go to urgent care he looked annoyed and I told him he wouldn’t be the one taking me.

So much for caring about my body for like 5 seconds. Life is stupid. My guess is I won’t make it to urgent care today, and I would have called out and wasted that time for nothing. Always happens. Whatever lol. I’m just gonna watch tv and sit here and waste away on the couch. I’ll go to work tomorrow, probably hate it. Probably have a few more coughing fits where I stop breathing.

As long as I’m not in anybody’s way I guess?? I dunno. I’m feeling very annoyed at everything as of recent. This is not something I needed to deal with right now, shits hard enough. Money is a bigger problem than ever. I’m tired :p

[vesselhoundz]

Essay #1 on Pàs

How am I going to keep on living? I just will. I will die one day and my body will have no use anymore. It will decay into the wooden box in a beautiful cemetery somewhere where it rains. Perhaps in New York. Where my family came after leaving Minsk. 

My panties are soiled. There is something feminine about sitting in soil, in bloodied panties. It was never my intention to make any of this. It is the only thing I know. The process is not foreign to me and I forget that it is to so many. Creation and creation before the inevitable death. Perhaps it is why I feel no need to create another human being. To give the rare opportunity of life to another being. 

To become pregnant. I would throw up, not from the bodily sensations but from the idea and anxiety alone. I would throw up. 

Many things happen all at once. I lay in my day robe and decay. 

A marriage is nothing if you do not truly know the person. A relationship is learning who and how. I know nothing of commitment. 

A couple days off and what does she do? She writes, she becomes. She lays out and arranges. PÀS. That’s so Pàs. That’s effing Pàs. 

There is something feminine about Pàs. There is something Pàs about my mother. There is something Pàs about me. 

Pas exists in Lithium. In 90s grunge. In loud music and lots of people and kissing like no ones watching, and not really caring, and drugs.

BYOB

BYOD

Documenting the thoughts that come in. This is the inside of the mind. It is difficult to visualize because the dreams are so vivid and intense and reality is so tiresome. There is something Pàs about my aunt. We both wake up tired because we lived a lot while we were asleep. What is asleep? I’m more sad to die because then Ill dream no more. The life I look forward to, yet I stay up so late and hold myself back from sleep. I await it. Like an erotic fixation. 

I drink beer. That’s Pàs. 

Angelina Jolie is Pàs. Lana del Rey is Pàs. 

They know it somehow. 

Pas is romantic and deadly. 

Pas is concrete and silk. 

Louis Garell is Pàs, but only because he is a fantasy. Like a member of a boy band she was in love with in middle school. Playing Pàs like a doll house. Playing Pàs like a dream. During the day time. 

Pàs is unfulfilled wrestling without kissing. 

Pàs is supposedly cigarettes and bleach blonde hair and blue eyeshadow and thin legs. 

Being sexy alone. Being sexy around others and insecure and it either mattering far too much that she’s sexy or not at all to a point of embarrassment. Pàs is choosing to wear a blazer to make her more comfortable. Or maybe that’s just me. Pàs is not me. I am not Pàs. There is Pàs in me. Pas is a fantasy. Pàs is a dialogue. A choosing of becoming. Pàs is living alone. 

I want to kill the protector because she can’t always do her job. 

That’s why I’d like a man. 

The fantasy of Adrian Brody. 

Pàs is kind and ugly. Pàs is a pleasant and deserving fantasy. Knee socks are cokequette and fucking Pàs. 

In Pàs, she gets her ass eaten. In Pàs, she lets him go and doesn’t call. Or calls 100 times in an hour. 

Why do I speak? Why do I share? Can’t I not help myself? My nature. All I want to do is shut the fuck up. I miss the chaos then. Unfortunately. I wont leave it behind. Ill make a scene. Pàs.

I don’t ever want to grow old. I want to be 22 forever. I don’t want to be 29 and old. Even if it means Ill have everything Ive always wanted. 33 and Pàs. Ill take it. Sad and old and a drug addict. 

Mortality and death. She faces mortality. 

She’s walking in Irish fields and knows exactly where she is going. 

She cant be too overwhelmed with Pàs. It must come to her. 

She lets Pàs inside and worries that she does it to herself. That she’s made it all this way. She scares herself and thinks of the protector as a thief and a betrayer. The Protector is Judas and Jesus Christ is my subconscious spirit who must be freed and must be betrayed. Death allows us to continue on at the lowest point it fuels a sense of here. You don't just see Pàs, you feel it. 

Will you come over and do dirty unspeakable things to me?

Not because you want to and not because I asked. 

Because you know its what I need and Ill lie there and take it and then You’ll get me water after and let me just lie there. You’ll know I’m alive and slap my ass when we both cum and you tell me not to but I do anyway. And then you go and sit with your dignity after you’ve put your slacks back on and you sit on the couch in your slacks with your dignity in one hand and a strawberry yogurt cup in the other and you lick your lips and read the news. You look over to me and I’m still just lying there with your cum dripping out of my asshole and down my leg, liking the feeling of it and it turns me on a bit again and You look over and notice and shake your head as I press my hips into the blanket of lion fur. You tell me I’m a cock slut because you know me and I roll over and begin to masturbate. Running my fingers down and through and into my pussy. You tell me to stop touching. You just watch. You turn on a record. Some grunge. You come over and grab my face pinching it. You slap me and spit into my mouth and on my vagina. Dont fucking touch it. I stand up and walk off. I piss with the door open. Looking right at him.

[gris-nv]

Mental health breaks

I’ve always been very vocal about the importance of mental health, I mean I even studied psychology so I kind of gotta walk the talk, right?

Some months ago, I wasn’t in the best place mentally, I was burned out, it started with a short term assignment, I’ve been very vocal about how horrible it was too, I was alone in the middle of nowhere and my colleagues at work there weren’t the most helpful or welcoming people, also the person whose brilliant idea it was for me to go there in the first place left the company so I was even more alone, work wise, if that was even possible.

When I came back I thought everything would go back to normal, but as usual, the universe had a different character developmental plan. The other senior recruiter that was on my team left just as a huge project with more than 25 open positions came, so I was the only senior recruiter left already with 20 open positions to fill by myself, the project was important and it wasn’t an overnight thing, my boss and her boss knew it was coming and that we were short staffed, when I raised my hand to point that out they only said “help is on its way, we will have more hands, hold on”, time passed, the project started, now we needed a “senior” person, in this case me, because it was a corporate function and they already knew me, as the project started we had just 2 junior recruiters to help, however I had to train them too and help them with some positions, which ok fine, I like to train junior folks, but not when I already have now 45 open positions to fill, a useless boss and on top of that train the junior staff, teach them and answer the thousand questions they have each day, plus the meetings, plus “now you have to come to the office to do the work you can perfectly do remotely since is already remote.

Understandably it was a lot, I was already burned out and overwhelmed, so I told my boss I needed some time off, a week to be specific and in her eternal generosity, and yes it is sarcasm, she gave me 3 more days. When i went back to work it was the same plus some colleagues didn’t really took care of my open positions so I had a couple of very angry managers. I knew something else was off too, now if you or someone you know is in a place where you start to think something’s wrong with you because you don’t fit, it might actually be the environment, an environment that’s really not welcoming for neurodivergence and or introversion, mix it with burn out and you have a severe imbalance for your mental health.

Some time passed and I began to feel even more burned out, I had a talk with my idiotic boss, now I know I shouldn’t call her idiotic but truth is I’m still mad haha, but I promise is justified, we are people working with people and correct me if I’m wrong but if an employee tells you that they’re burned out, they cant handle the anxiety and feel overwhelmed in general, the minimum thing a decent person would do is trying to find a way to give support, maximum if you’re the freaking manager, that’s kind of your job, to manage, not gaslighting the employee telling them that you were super generous in not just giving them a week off but added 3 more days, or telling them that they’re using the burn out and neurodivergence and anxiety as an excuse and they are playing the victim, I should have quit right there and then and told her how ableist, idiotic and in general bad person and shitty excuse of a leader she is, but I stayed for one more month, for my team, for them to speed up, ask all the questions they had, and give them my blessing lol.

In the end I decided to leave and take some months for my mental health, recovering from burn out takes weeks, sometimes even months depending on the severity of the case, that’s scientifically proven. I had time to be with my family, my cats, just relax in general, and I know that I was or I am in a privileged position, being able to take some months off work and finding a better place to work, and not settling for the first thing.

And I do recommend it folks, if you can of course, if its possible for you to take a break when you’re burnet out, do it, it helps you put things in perspective, it helps you to not settle for the first shitty job that comes your way, it helps to focus on whats really important, it helps to understand that work is just something we do, not who we are or at least it shouldn’t be. What’s really important is family, true friends and health because without all of those things we have nothing.

Anyway folks, mental health is health and we should always pay attention to it.

[jayflrt]

OMG WHAT ?? 😡 I cant believe tumblr deleted my ask from you :( that’s so rude !! thank goodness I sent in another one ! ^_^

I’m doing very well, n’ tysm !! n’ small update; I’ve been well, I actually just finished my classes so I’m officially on summer break !! >.< I have so much time on my hands I just don’t know what to do ! wbu ?? how’ve you been ml ! 🫶🏼 AWE TYY !! I managed to get sm inspo and have 3.5k words ! I have to continue writing later today ! >.<

OMG YOU SHOULD !! Im glad you’re getting motivation again ! hopefully you can write something soon !! I’m rooting for you !! 🤧 I’m sure whatever you come up with is going to be amazing esp since you have free time !! ^_^ 🎉 oh yes !! so, it’s called “fanfics and the boy next door” it’s not finished yet sadly cause I was super preoccupied with school ! but now that I’m also free lol I get to hopefully finish it soon !! ^_^

YES I DID OML !! IT WAS LITERALLY THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE 🤧 I miss her sm it was literally insane !! 🤧 n’ TYYY !! It was a surprise from my sis, my sisters and I went together !! It was all vv fun !! oml, I saw that ! resale prices went up to like 3k, it was like so crazy ! 💜 THAT REMINDS ME ! so, once it got to the rep era of the concert the whole stadium was literally SHAKING ! and I mean SHAKING !! it was scary but honestly so much fun LMAOO 😭

OMG YAY THATS SO EXCITING !! 💗 have you found a job that you’re interested in yet or do you know what you want to work as !! 🫶🏼 ooo that sounds nice !! I hope you enjoy your trips n’ pls make sure to be careful !! <33 AWE :( maybe you guys can meet up whenever you can ? even though college is over that doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends !! ^_^ 🫶🏼🥹

hm ! well, I don’t have any plans sadly lol !! I’m thinking of maybe focusing on writing and editing this summer !! I am supposedly going to the beach next Saturday though ! so that’s something to do ! 😅😭 but I guess we’ll see what happens !! 😭🫶🏼 how’s your day been so far ?? anything fun happen ?

(cont.) OMG ALSO !! tysm for liking my theme 🤧🫶🏼 I forgot to thank u for the compliment lol !! your theme tho > it’s so iconic and I will forever love it 🥹

I KNOW I WAS SO UPSET WHEN I TRIED TO POST IT AND THE RED LINE SHOWED UP <//3 AND IT WOULDNT EVEN LET ME RETRY POSTING IT LIKE WTHHH TUMBLR

also im so glad you're doing well !!! and congrats on finishing exams and i hope you're enjoying your summer break to its fullest !! 🥰💖 maybe you can take up a hobby :o like crocheting HAHAH learn how to crochet with me 😌 i was making a shirt and it turned out rlly cute actually :') OMG YAYYY i hope the writing's going well >:)) 3.5k phewwww i see you 😮‍💨 and i've been doing good !! school definitely burnt me out this year so the break is nice HAHAH but getting back to work omg.... i was so tired all the time last summer so we'll see how it goes LOL

omg do you think you're gonna finish the fic soon?? :o i hope it goes well !! ALSO IM GLAD YOU HAD FUN AT THE CONCERT did you like "speak now"? 💘 i am not a swiftie but my friends really liked it :')) OHH YEAH REPUTATION IS A TOP TIER ALBUM im sure it must've been insane to see live !!

there are a few roles im interested in but im also telling myself i need to work my way up to higher positions since they're more mid-senior level positions 🥲 i will be all good tho !! 😌 job hunting SUCKS i hate when entry level positions require years of experience like girl that's not entry level anymore HAHAH also yes!! i think we will be fine since we all live relatively close ,, it's just gonna be so nostalgic thinking back to when i was free to do whatever in college LOL

ooo that sounds fun !! 🥰 i hope you had a good time at the beach <33 my day's been pretty slow ngl 😩 yesterday i went to my friend's party and then tomorrow i think im going to a movie with a few friends but we'll see 🥲 today tho i have been watching gose throughout the day at random HAHAH

[mental-health-advice]

Tw: Suicide, Surgery/Medical, Ableism (?)

I'm literally so close to self deletion. Depressive waves are coming over me, I'm regretting being open about being plural but am scared that if I stop being open people will fake claim me.

My school thinks I wont be able to finish and are very pushy about getting rid of me, got mad about my possible autism and possible physical disabilities. Told me its not the schools job to adjust or help.

My one teacher keeps acting as if I'm abusing her, she goes "how are you treating me???" "Why do you talk.to me like that???" Etc in this victim like voice when I literally speak completely normal.

I cant express emotions well nor can I manage my tone well or pick up other people's tone well. So from my perspective I sound entirely neutral and emotionless but apparently not?

I came home today and grandpa is in the hospital, we probably wont see him until earliest being Christmas if at all. He has emergency surgery. We probably cant see our siblings on Christmas due to this.

I cant Express how much I hate myself and how badly I want to be 6 feet under. I can't even work when I'm done with school, what am I even doing here? -☆ (anon)

Hey there,

Firstly, I think it’s great that you have come out as being plural but please know that you can choose to not be at any given time, it’s all about what you feel comfortable with and if that means changing your pronouns now and again then this is completely OK!

I am so sorry that your school isn’t being more supportive of you and your needs. I am not backing up your school but sometimes schools are completely over run with large class sizes and less teachers making their job that much harder, so perhaps this is why they are behaving as they are towards you? In saying this though everyone is entitled to a good education and this includes you regardless of if you have extra/ different needs or not.

Expressing emotions can be hard for many people and especially if they have not had many situations where they can practice this. What I can say though is that it’s OK with however you are feeling (emotion wise) everyone has emotions and feels differently at many different times even on the same day, it’s the expressing of these emotions that can be difficult and in a way that doesn’t hurt another person. One way that you could express your emotions though is using ‘I statements’ so for example, “right now I am feeling agitated because..” this allows you to own the emotion you are feeling without putting it down on someone else or saying that they are the ones that are causing the emotion you are feeling in an outburst of negative emotions. But I completely get that you find picking up peoples tones really hard so perhaps instead of trying to listen to the tone of the person’s voice you could concentrate more on the words they are saying and the meaning behind those words – it’s OK to ask questions or to clarify what they have said also, this actually shows the person you are listening and generally care about what they are saying!

I hope that your Grandpa is OK, it must have been really scary for you to come home and be told that he was in the hospital

In regards to what you can do after you complete your schooling, have you ever thought about doing some volunteer work? There are plenty of things that you can do volunteer wise and I am sure that you could even find something that interests you and/ or something that you are passionate about.

Your life isn’t a complete waste. You are here because you play a role in society, whether you are aware of these reasons or not yet. You have a family, siblings, your Grandpa and of course your friends – all of which would be devastated if you were no longer here.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[rivera-de-la-cruz]

Most of the things have hit me in 2021, i dont care what people have to say to me, what i do, what i’m about to do, is purely my business. Either u go along with it, or we just cant be in contacts anymore. Be selfish? I’m gonna be the selfish bitch that everyone kept saying i am when its just a reflection of them. People left me alone and ignore my texts when i needed them, why the fuck would i care if they need me now? If this hits then its meant for u. If it doesnt, good job then, but maybe u need a self reflection for that cos of not being self aware. And this also means closing my heart fully cos i’m tired of giving my all and yet feel like i’m not enough, never letting myself stoop that low ever again. Now, if u really take ur chances to leave, i wont ever stop u, go ahead, the door is always open anyways. Happy 2023, more like… “Happy dead year”. Turning 30 soon, life is catching up way too fast and i’m still not allowed to be truthfully brutal to the people i love, they taught me how to lie, i’m gonna use it pretty well. I’m daring enough because, if i die means i die, its time, if i dont then… hoo rayy😒 another set of living dunya. Isit possible that i just donate my heart to someone? Tired of everything, pressure, pain and a consistency or a never ending hurtful moments in my life ever. Well, whatever it is, i’m just glad i got that from her ☺��� oh ya and there’s no violence or regretful moments. ✌🏽also, after a while, u know where u stand in someone’s life. Too available just gonna make myself unavailable, if it really happens, then i know what to do. But thank you, for making me believe that love only exist in another fantasy world that doesnt even exist in this dunya actually, its all just a motherfucking lie, again with the lies, no wonder people cant deal when the truth came in when they themselves asked to tell the truth ?? Loving, kind? Wtf is that now?

[sallyf4ce]

wolves

chapter II

-> sally face x f!reader

-> enemies? to lovers

-> previous | next

cw: drugs, cigarettes, abuse, panic attack

*does not follow original plot of sally face*

summary: larry knocks (y/n) off her feet, literally. later, him and sal come to apologize, bearing a gift of homemade lasagna. sal and (y/n) bond over their similar bodies. his eyes look familiar.

The sound of your skateboard and the wind brushing past your ears practically deafened you, which allowed you to think in peace. Maybe you’d survive in Nockfell.

Maybe it wasnt as bad as you made it. You’d grow close to the old apartment, push through school, leave your mother as quickly as possible, and start fresh somewhere across the world. The only thing that you wouldn’t get close to is the forest surrounding Addison. It loomed over you, day and night, dewy pines poking out at you like a warning sign. Maybe mom moved here just so she could torture you with the forest. Remind you of what happened.

Loud footsteps joined the wheels of your skateboard. You looked back, and on your trail were those two kids from the apartment. The tall one’s face was almost right in yours. You let out a small yelp as your skateboard hit a rock and sent you tumbling to the ground, completely destroying your knees in the process.

“Shit!” larry yelled out in surprise as he dodged the skateboard that went right between his legs.

You quickly reached out to your head, trying to calm the searing pain pulsing through it. What the fuck just happened?

“What the fuck?” you groan. The blue haired boy, sal, grabbed your skateboard and came up close to you. pulling down his sleeves, he quickly grabbed your knees and covered them, soaking up the gushing blood.

“Larry!” sal turned around to face him. You winced as the fabric of his sweater clung to your knees. Your hands grabbed his to pull them off but you froze. They were soft and cold, almost like snow. How would it feel to hold them longer? Would you warm them up? or would they freeze you?

What the fuck?

You snapped out of your trance and moved them off your knees. You scowl at larry and pick your skateboard back up.

“Nice job, asshat.”

His face flushes at the insult and he moves back. Sally stands up and offers you his hand, but you dont need his help (obviously a lie, your entire body was aching like a scale 8 earthquake). You shove yourself up and wipe your burning palms on your jeans. With your feet back on the skateboard (it took a few tries to get up because your knees kept buckling), you flip them off and begin skating back to addison. You just wanted a nice fucking stroll alone, why were these fucks literally everywhere you went?

It’s around 12:45 now. You came home, took a bath, bandaged up your knees and took some tylenol. Mom was already in her bedroom and there were some leftover beer bottles on the coffee table, so she probably wouldnt wake up anytime soon. you quickly trashed the bottles and decided for a quick nap on the couch, since your room was… occupied. your pyjamas, for now anyway, consisted of an oversized grey ac/dc shirt and some soft-ass spandex shorts.

“finally, a fucking break from this shit.” a content sigh escaped your lips as you threw yourself onto the cold couch.

a few knocks sounded at your door.

“(y/n)? it’s uh, it’s sal. and larry.”

“fuck.”

THEY’RE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE WHAT THE FUCKKKK AGGHHH WHY CANT THEY LEAVE YOU ALONE THEY ALREADY BUSTED YOUR KNEES LIKE WHAT

“coming.” you mumbled angrily even though they couldn’t hear you.

the blinding fluorescent lights of the hallway hit you as you opened the door. along with them came the smell of freshly baked lasagna. your eyes widened for a second, before looking up at sal. he stared at you, taking in your appearance. your hair was ruffled, eyes blinking sleepily as they adjusted to the light. your shirt had ridden up and showed a bit of your stomach. he blushed as you pulled it down and glared at him, a slight tinge of red on your own cheeks.

“larry.” he nudged his friend. the brunette walked up in front of sal, holding a pan of lasagna.

“listen man, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to fuck up your knees n shit. jus’ got excited cause of your sanity falls shirt. can we, uh, can we come in?”

Slam.

larry quickly jumped back in surprise.

“i guess that means no.”

you yelled out a quick ‘wait!’ as you cleaned up your apartment and hid your mom’s weed and other things. god, for a grown woman, she didn’t know how to clean for shit.

opening the door back up, you waved them inside.

“god, you smoke a lot.” larry coughed a bit at the smell of your apartment, which earned him a shove.

“sorry! god, sal, so mean.” he mumbled.

“s’ my mom. i only smoke outside. uh, take a seat on the couch, i’ll warm up the lasagna.” you pulled it out of larry’s hands as they both took a seat on your makeshift bed.

sal shifted. “you sleep here?” he asked, confused. maybe your room was being used as storage.

“for now. there’s some weird ghost shit going on in my room. some fucking preppy ghost woman keeps squealing when i come in.”

ghosts? you believed in ghosts? maybe they’d be able to take you on their expeditions! sal perked up at the thought of you becoming friends.

“you believe in ghosts?”

“well, i saw one, so what else could it fucking be?” you chuckled as you shoveled the now warmed up lasagna onto three plates. sal noticed and his eyes widened.

“oh, no, i- i don’t want any-” he waves his hands.

��you’re having it, i don’t care.”

larry laughs as you shove it into their hands.

“feisty, aren’t ya?” he stabs some and shoves it into his mouth. you sigh and lean back into the couch.

“you guys go to the school here, right?”

larry nods. “yeah, there’s only one school in nockfell.”

“eww, larry face, don’t chew with food in your mouth.” sally laughs. in the corner of his eyes, he thinks he can see you smile.

“yeah, we go to nockfell high. i’m assuming you’re going there too.”

“mhm. starting monday. hurry up and eat, i’m not warming it up again.” you grumble. sal doesn’t move. “god, okay, i’ll look away. i have to go clean this thing anyway.” you wave your prosthetic’s fingers.

“oh, yeah, you also have a prosthetic!” his face shifts into a child-like curiosity. it’s a face that you’ve seen before, and it makes you giggle a bit every time. you place your hand on his lap. sal does a double take and his mask raises a bit.

“you wanna touch it, don’t you. go ahead.”

“damn, sal, you get all the ladies. leave some for me.” larry chimes in, hand on his forehead in mock sadness. he chuckles.

“you gonna touch it or what?”

“uh, yeah.” sal slowly lowers his hands onto it. he traces your fingers, flexing them every once in a while. he flips your palm and looks at the graffiti ‘s’ you drew on it.

“when was this?” he looks back up at you.

“grade 10, two years ago. got bored in class and accidentally took out my sharpie instead of a dry-erase marker. god, my mom was mad.” you chuckle at the memory. she didnt let you back in the house for two days. you had to camp out in the shed, where you stored your extra food so she wouldn’t steal it.

sal hummed. “what about this one?” it was a big ‘SF’. was it for his name? of course not, she didn’t know you back then, moron. still, it warmed him up a bit.

“not for you, that’s for sure.”

“damnnn, savage!” larry put his plate down. “mind if i get more?”

“larry, we brought it for (y/n).” sal scolded.

“nah, i don’t mind. knock yourself out.” you nodded, continuing your conversation with sal.

larry trotted towards the kitchen.

larry’s point of view:

sal and (y/n) seemed to be getting along quite well. good for him, really. we might be able to coax (y/n) into our friend group. i didn’t like her at first, but i think she’s just a little stand-offish. anyway, back to the lasagna. man, i wish mom would make it more often. she only makes it for guests. where is it? oh, there. (y/n)’s going to nockfell high, right? probably should tell her about travis.

your point of view:

sal was still tracing your arm, running his pale fingers over where the prosthetic connected to your skin. the doctors could have chopped your arm off completely, up to your elbow, but you wanted to salvage as much as you could, so it stops mid-forearm.

“do you take it off often?” sal hummed. it felt a little intimate, tracing your prosthetic. it was like soothing a part of your body that was already gone. what? what was he thinking?

“mmm, i take it off every night. if i leave it on, i could get rashes ‘n shit. rashes aren’t fun. ‘m assuming you take yours off every night too.” he nods.

“i don’t like taking it off during the day. phantom limb shit, you know? it hurts a lot.” you grumble.

“got the lasagna. since you’re going to nockfell, ‘should probably tell you about travis.” larry sits down. “he’s your typical stick-up-the-ass bully. doesn’t really like sally face ‘n our crew.”

“yeah. just ignore him and you should be fine.”

“we‘ll protect you.” larry swings an arm over your shoulder.

huh? you can protect yourself. does he think you can’t? is it because of your prosthetic?

“i can do it myself, you dimwit.” you push his arm off your shoulder.

“time for you to leave.”

“woah, dude, calm down-” larry’s eyes widen in panic. he didn’t mean to offend you.

“i’m sorry!”

“i’m not hurt, just need my sleep. it’s 1:30. go on now.”

sal sets down his cold, uneaten lasagna and larry takes a quick bite out of his.

“see ya!” he mumbled, words muffled by food. you click your teeth as he walks out of your apartment and towards the elevator.

“(y/n).”

you spin around to face sal. his hand lingers on your counter.

“your knees. how are they?”

you look at his eyes through his mask. they’re light blue. like the lake that you so dreaded. like the sky that morning. like your dad’s shirt. he blinks.

“uh, f-fine. they’re fine. they should heal in a few days. time for you to go.” you grab his shoulders and shove him through the door.

“see you tomorrow?” he stumbles.

“yeah.” the door shuts with a slam and you’re filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.

oh god, not this again. your vision blurs as you try to grasp onto your breath. you can hear the blood rushing in your ears. your heart thuds like it’s going to break through your rib cage. it feels like someone is strangling you, coaxing the last breath of air from your lungs. your nails scratch at your throat desperately, your salty tears only making the marks burn more. at least the cold metal of your prosthetic cools you down a bit.

shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. you can’t wake anyone. you bite down on your lip to suppress the strangled cries leaving your mouth. god, not the lake, please. not the forest. not the huge, dirty, rabid wolf-looking creature behind your father. not his cries. please, just make it shut up. SHUT UP.

you wake up the next morning to your alarm ringing.

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