#no i really should be studying what's wrong with me

[mosaickiwi]

Hey hey !!! Just wanted to say I really appreciate your writing, reading a fic of yours always brings me comfort :D

I was wondering if you’d be okay doing a body swap! AU between Angel and Ren/Redacted. You’re welcome to take whatever approach you deem fit, I’m curious as to what you come up with

thank you !!!

Thank you very much <33 Taking this as a warm up so I can remember wtf i'm doing!! So it's a HC list with a little blurb :3c most of my writing the past four months has been for my own projects/personal use lmao

Also happy day 5 yayyy yippee 🎉

💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤

Body Swap!!

[REDACTED] in your body?? Thriving

Fascinated and loving it. Since they've been studying you for years he knows all the little physical quirks you have, but now he gets to experience them himself and it's weirdly exciting.

Additionally, NO ONE would realize anything was wrong. Acting like you would be even easier than getting into character for Haruko. Except he might not be able to help himself and do a little friendship sabotaging.

He's being extremely weird in private if you give him permission lmao

A little unsure of physical affection at first because of the self loathing. Of course he still wants it, but being on the other side of things has his thoughts all "that's how my scars feel to you? my hands are really this cold?" Notes for himself to keep plenty of hand warmers in his pockets.

Puts the collar of their shirt over his mouth like he's cold… but it's really just a quick excuse to sniff your clothes outright in public I'm so sorry.

You in his body?? Suffering

You bump your head on door frames, constantly hit your hip on counters, trip in your platform shoes if you're not used to them.

You're tired all the time??? You knew they hardly slept but it was THIS bad? The constant coffee and energy drinks are the only reason you don't fall asleep in the middle of conversations.

Piercings feel weird too if your angel doesn't have them. Constantly touching your tongue to the roof of your mouth, fiddling with your ears, etc. 

Unaware of your new strength. Picking up furniture is surprisingly easy. You probably broke a door lock when turning the key with a little too much force. 

Your friends are dismissive and standoffish with you. Can you blame them? At best he ignores them, and at worst you have to be physically between them (but closer to [REDACTED]) to keep both parties happy.

💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤

"Watch your head," you heard from in front of you. 

You carefully ducked into the doorway to your apartment. It was hard to get used to your new height — and almost as hard to get used to hearing someone else use your voice.

The same couldn't be said of your partner. Not even thirty minutes had passed since the unfortunate incident, but [REDACTED] already seemed at home in your body. As if it was natural to him. 

While you panicked about suddenly swapping bodies in the middle of a hangout with your friends, he calmly made a plan. All you could do was follow along.

You'd observed them, dumbfounded as they perfectly mimicked your personality and mannerisms. He'd excused you both from the carnival early, and gotten you home without a hint of suspicion from anyone. It was unexpected and illogical, but his obsession with you clearly paid off.

No one seemed to notice — or care, since they weren't friends with him — that the pissed off emo their friend dragged around looked crazier than usual as you both left.

The door shut as you stumbled into the living room like a newborn fawn, your now shorter partner hovering at your side. How did he manage to wear three-inch platform boots while this tall? You tripped your way over to the couch with a sigh.

"I'm calling in sick tomorrow," you groaned into the armrest. The couch felt even more uncomfortable in his body. Inviting him over just to let him sleep on the couch one too many times probably warranted an apology. 

"We should be back t'normal in a few hours."

"Is that what WebDR said?" There was no response, but you threw out another question. "I guess we could kill time and watch a movie, what do you think?"

Again, he didn't answer. You heard the faintest sound of your phone vibrating and searched every inch of your outfit. When you found his phone instead, you sat up to look for him. 

The temporary owner of your body was standing just beside the couch, your phone still ringing in their hand, but his thumb hovering dangerously close to the screen. There was an annoyed frown on his face… your face? 

"Leon's calling," he finally said.

"Oh my god." You jumped up to snatch the phone away and hurriedly declined the call. 

Your partner's frown quickly turned to amusement at the situation. "Y'don't trust me t'play nice with him?"

"When you're using my voice? Fuck no." You texted an apology to Leon for leaving early, lied about your throat hurting so he wouldn't call back, then hid the device in one of your many pockets. "Oh wow." 

"What's wrong?"

"... Nothing, I guess."

Staring down at your own face this closely was… off. You reached forward and grabbed their chin, turning it every which way as if something about it would change. 

"You really get to look at me from all the worst angles when you're this tall, huh?" you hummed to yourself. 

"And y'look perfect at every single one, love."

God, he was awful. "Ignoring you."

[biancadoes1]

I haven't seen the yungblood pics you guys are talking about and I know a lot of us are getting tired of this. Everything. Or maybe it was me kinda expecting A's repeated appearances but also it made me realized something.

If there is one thing Luke is really consistent with his appearances with A is that, he cannot act like an actual boyfriend in love with his girlfriend, and he cannot act like he is genuinely enjoying her company. And we cannot see Luke's smiling whenever he is making physical contanct with A.

And the consistent Luke's off body language.

I'm so glad I have a relative who studies Kinesics and I showed her Luke's all public appearances with A. And she pointed out really interesting things.

● If there is a repeated physical signs of discomfort or like a monotonous facial expression, something massively is WRONG behind the scenes. (She was talking about how off putting Luke's facial expression is. And I haven't told her about them being alleged couple.)

● I know a lot of people misinterpret body language, but if you want to know how comfortable someone is with other people, just see how much of distance their body is with others. If the distance between is like, not even a tiny insect or an air can separate them, not even a single gap, that's when you can tell the level of comfort two people have. (I showed my relative the vid of Luke and A at the water in Italy and she was gagged by how much of that screams stress all over.)

● Look how his body is always, like always facing away from her. That's a clear sign of someone being forced to keep somebody who is he not comfortable with. (She's talking about the BOSS event here)

● The nervous energy he was exhibiting in all events(that I showed my relative) is not normal when he is with her company.

And then I told her they are apparently a couple and this is her response.

My relative also said, "You don't need to be an expert to know if someone is genuinely feeling discomfort at the company of someone they don't want to be around. Say, I can tell from the things you showed me, it seems like the guy(Luke) was really trying his best to keep that uneasiness under wraps whenever he was with her. And it starting to show, because his body is start to fidget whenever it can now. And the forced posture, and the distance is loud. He is leaning his body away from her, through pics or vids you can see it. Even while they are walking despite the attempt to conceal it via physical contact. He may be holding her hand but the distance between their interlock hands and his body is so visible. Whoever is this people may be, people needs to realize that his facial expression is like a cry for help. And I'm not even kidding. That vid of them sitting in a table? The silence and the reduced participation with each other? That's a clear sign of a forced. That alone should tell you that something is incredibly wrong, despite you telling me they are couple. In my truest opinion, they are not."

I tried to asked somebody to know if we are just being delusional or not. And I'm glad to know at least I am not the only one seeing that consistent uneasiness with Luke's face whenever he is with Antonia.

Let me know your thoughts B. Thanks!

First off, I love posts like this with opinions from outsiders. It's refreshing and helpful to get a temp check for what most of us (on this blog at least) are currently thinking.

I agree with all of this, too. This is what most of us have picked up on and why we're all tired af right now 🤣

But it's nice to see it from the perspective of someone who studies this because it shows how damn noticeable it is.

It's VERY easy to glance at pics of them and believe them to be a couple. That's fine if that's the case and all people choose to do. However, when you take the time to look back at all these appearances just this year alone? It really doesn't speak to two people in a relationship at all. Add in everything since June 2024 and it paints a really different picture than what the current surface level view provides.

Thank you so much for sharing anon ♥️

[claramelooo]

WOVEN FATES (15/???)

I'm late, but I'm sure! Sorry guys! My routine is crazy, really. I'm still trying to adapt. But I think I needed this as much as you did!

Cliffhanger, huh?? You didn't see anything yet muhahahaha 😈

Enjoy <3

MINORS MUST NOT INTERACT

Pairing: AgathaRio x Fem Reader

Summary: After Billy's speech, you end up finding out what was wrong and you have to fix it or not.

The Truth

You were frozen. Your eyes, slightly widened, and your exasperated breathing locked onto theirs as they searched yours like you were a case to be studied.

Source?

What the hell was this, anyway?

You ran your tongue over your lips nervously, debating whether you should ask the question burning on the tip of your tongue. After releasing the breath trapped in your chest, you spoke:

"The what…" You started, your lungs tight. "What is a source?"

The word echoed in your mind, an irritating hum clouding your thoughts.

"Someone from whom everything originates?" Yelena said, trying to sound obvious, only to receive a reprimanding look from Alice.

The young woman stepped closer to you, feeling your growing desperation drowning you. "So, do you remember the legend?" she began, her tone cautious as if you were fragile glass about to shatter. "A mystical being, vast, powerful, that drains energy—life itself."

She finished with careful precision, and you let out a disbelieving laugh.

"Oh, come on, Alice?! What kind of stupid joke is this?" You laughed, but the lump in your throat still scraped at you. "That was our dumb school project, Alice! It has nothing to do with—" you narrowed your eyes, fighting back the tears threatening to spill.

"I lied!" Alice’s voice broke, sharp and desperate, making everyone in the circle flinch. "I lied, okay? It's real. And Rio Vidal is that ." Her voice cracked at the end.

The ground disappeared beneath you.

Rio.

Your Mama.

No. No, that couldn’t be.

"This is bullshit." The words were thick in your throat. You wouldn’t believe this. "Oh, let me guess—Agatha is the woman who saved Rio from herself and was turned into some horrid monster?!" Your sarcastic tone made Alice clench her jaw.

"A witch. Agatha Harkness is a witch," Billy interjected.

"And how the hell do you know that?!" Anger flared in you—pure, burning rage. They were talking about your mothers.

You wanted to kill them.

Sew their mouths shut so they could never speak these atrocities again.

So they could never hurt you like this again.

"It's what they say." He shrugged, completely unfazed. He didn’t care. And that only made you angrier.

"And who the fuck are ‘they’?" You took a dangerous step forward, breathing hard through your nose.

Billy kept twirling a card between his fingers, annoyingly calm. His eyes were sharp, like a cat toying with its prey. "Have you never felt it? The constant exhaustion. The need to always be near them. The way your body feels… drained whenever you're away?"

Your stomach churned.

You had felt it. You always had.

Because there had always been something. Something you could never name, but that slithered under your skin every time you were apart from them.

A weariness that wasn’t just physical. A hunger that wasn’t for food. An emptiness that only faded when Rio touched your face or Agatha whispered soft words into your ear.

The lump in your throat tightened.

"This doesn’t make sense," your voice came out weaker now, less certain. "Are you trying to say that—"

"That they’re more than you think," Billy finished, tossing the card onto the table.

You looked down at the deck, the symbols shimmering as if laughing at you.

"So what?" Your own voice surprised you. The rage had faded, replaced by something more fragile, more dangerous. "If Rio is this… If Agatha is this… then what does that make me?"

Fuck this!

They were yours, and you would defend them with everything you had.

Alice hesitated.

She finally moved, placing a trembling, cold hand over yours. "We’re not telling you this to scare you."

"Then what the fuck is the point?" Your voice was sharp, but your heart pounded wildly.

Jennifer let out a low, nervous chuckle. "We want to help you."

"Help me?" You laughed.

You didn’t want their help. You wanted them.

"With the truth."

The words hung heavy in the air.

Billy flipped the card toward you. The image depicted a pure, shining spring of water, but around it, dark shadows drank from it, draining its glow until the source became shallow, dull.

"Sources don’t last forever, you know..." he said, his voice disturbingly gentle. "Eventually, they dry up."

It felt like the air was stolen from your lungs.

Your chest clenched. Your mind refused to accept it, but your body betrayed you—your skin prickled, your stomach burned.

"You’re saying that I…"

"That you’re being used," Jennifer finished bluntly.

The world stopped.

No.

No, that couldn’t be true.

But the gears in your mind began turning.

The exhaustion. The heat. The overwhelming need to be near them. Agatha holding you in her lap as if cradling you after a nightmare. Rio always knowing when you were about to break.

Dread clenched your chest like a fist.

"No." You shook your head. "This is insane. You don’t even know what you’re talking about!"

Billy leaned back, crossing his arms. "We can prove it."

Alice bit her lip, hesitating.

Tears stung your eyes as you stood up abruptly. Alice followed, grabbing your hands in a futile attempt to calm you. "Breathe," she said, her fox-like eyes watching you closely.

"I know it sounds crazy. But this… This force exists, and now it’s in you."

You tried to yank your hands away, but Alice held on. Not forcefully, but with a gentle insistence, as if she feared you’d disappear if she let go.

"This doesn’t make sense." Your voice cracked. You swallowed against the bile rising in your throat. "I’m nothing. I’m not special. I don’t even know what you’re talking about!"

"But they do."

Billy spoke quietly, his dark eyes locked onto yours. "All four of them. Agatha, Rio, Calderu… Wanda."

Her name hit you like a slap.

"I—" You stepped back, only to feel the edge of the table press against your back.

Alice loosened her grip slightly. "Breathe."

But you couldn’t.

They knew.

They had always known.

The things that once made sense—the overwhelming affection, the intense looks, the way it felt like you were being absorbed by them—now felt wrong. Stained.

You shook your head, struggling to inhale. "This… This can’t be real."

"Then why are you reacting like this?" Yelena asked, raising a brow.

Alice stepped closer, eyes locked onto yours as if watching a wild animal about to bolt.

"Because, on some level," she whispered, "you already knew."

The silence in the room thickened, heavy and suffocating. You could feel the weight of their gazes pressing into you, burning your skin, as if they were waiting—no, hoping—you would understand.

But you didn’t want to.

The air felt too thin. Your lungs refused to work, as if something dense and invisible wrapped around your throat. Your heartbeat was erratic, too fast, too wild.

"This doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t. It doesn’t." Your voice was a whisper, broken and pained, a desperate mantra that still echoed through the stifling room. You looked around, waiting for someone to laugh, to say this was some cruel joke.

But no one laughed.

Billy just watched you, arms crossed over his chest. Jennifer averted her gaze to the table, her fingers tapping anxiously against the carved wood. Yelena sighed, like she had seen this moment unfold before.

But it was Alice who stepped closer again, her fox-like eyes locked onto yours, filled with something you couldn’t name.

“Breathe,” she whispered again.

But you couldn’t.

You swallowed hard, your knees threatening to buckle, and everything seemed to snap inside you. Like your mind was trying to connect the dots. Like something was whispering in your ear, but you couldn’t understand it.

Agatha. Rio. Calderu. Wanda.

The four of them.

Always close. Always present. Always touching, watching, calling your name like a prayer.

Always taking care of you.

Protecting?

Or feeding?

After all, that’s all you were, right?

Your stomach twisted, and you had to grip the edge of the table. Your vision blurred for a moment.

They knew.

They always knew.

The wave of emotions was too much, too raw, and the words slipped out before you could stop them:

“How is this possible?” Your voice shook, and you hated it. “Why me?”

Alice sighed, as if she had been expecting that question. The others remained silent, but you could feel the electricity in the air, the dense tension between them.

Billy was the first to break it.

“The pure, untainted energy of a good heart is one of the most valuable resources in existence,” he said, spinning a card between his fingers. “It’s more than enough to make hidden beings desire it.”

You frowned, not understanding.

“Why?”

Alice squeezed your hands. Her gaze was intense, sharp, like she was measuring how deep she could go before you broke.

“Because it invigorates them,” she explained. “It strengthens, sustains, rejuvenates. You’ve heard stories of how ancient gods were nourished by the worship of their followers? How their temples were centers of energy, rituals, sacrifices?”

You nodded slowly, your own breath coming unevenly.

“It’s possible through sex too,” Jennifer said, her voice light but cutting.

Your insides turned to ice.

“You—” You stopped, your throat dry.

Billy leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. “There are many kinds of hunger, and this is the most primal. The oldest. The most powerful.”

You shook your head. No. This was madness.

“But…” Alice hesitated, touching your face, forcing you to meet her eyes. “What worries me isn’t what they do with your energy. It’s how long you can last before it consumes you.”

You swallowed hard, your chest tightening. Every word they spoke made your mind spin, like it was trying to piece together a puzzle you never realized you were assembling.

“And…” You tried to speak, the words stuck in your throat, cutting like glass. “How do I get rid of it?” Your own voice came out unsteady, almost a painful whisper.

You couldn’t believe you were even asking, feeling the weight of the words on your tongue.

You felt like you were betraying them.

Billy and Yelena exchanged glances. Jennifer looked away, suddenly focused on spinning a ring on her finger. Alice, however, didn’t.

“That depends,” Billy finally said.

“On what?” Your impatience coiled tight in your throat.

“On how deep the connection is,” Alice murmured, still holding the small glass vial between her fingers. “If it’s just a superficial bond… it’s simple. Getting rid of it wouldn’t be difficult.”

You swallowed hard. Something in the way she said that made your skin prickle.

“But if it’s deeper…” Jennifer finally spoke, her voice low and measured. “If they’ve already rooted themselves in you… then there’s no easy way.”

“Rooted?” you whispered, the word foreign in your mouth.

Billy leaned in, pushing the vial toward you.

“If you want the truth, drink this before you sleep.” He held your gaze. “And pay attention to the sounds around you.”

The object felt ten times heavier in your palm. You stared at the dark liquid, a shiver running down your spine.

“What will happen if I drink it?”

Alice hesitated.

“You’ll notice things you normally wouldn’t,” she finally said. “And hear… what has always been there.”

Your heart pounded against your ribs. You wanted answers. You needed answers.

But were you ready to hear them?

The way home was a blur of lights and shadows. The cold wind bit at your skin, but it was nothing compared to the ice spreading in your chest, suffocating, cruel.

Your mommies. Your women. The only ones who ever loved you, the only ones who ever protected you.

And what if it was never real?

You felt each heartbeat like a sharp blade. Every memory—Agatha holding your face with firm, warm hands, Rio pulling you into a lazy hug on the couch—felt like poison now. You wanted to push them away. You wanted to rip them out of you, but they were buried too deep.

You almost laughed, a dry, humorless sound.

Rooted. Just like Jennifer said.

They were inside you. Feeding on you.

The glass vial burned against your skin in your pocket. Your hands trembled.

When you arrived home, everything felt even stranger. There was no usual comforting silence. No familiar scent of Agatha’s woodsy perfume or the expensive candles burning around the house.

There was something else.

A voice.

Familiar.

Rio.

Your stomach dropped. She wasn’t supposed to be here. Not this soon.

She was still supposed to be in Paris, preparing for the exhibition. You checked the time on your phone. Not even close to 9 PM. What was happening?

Well, did you miss me?

Walk on water just to kiss me

Oh, come and get me

Drag me out, destroy me

I've been expecting you, I'm ready

Deliver me that bad news baby

Your feet hesitated as you approached the living room, trying to make as little noise as possible. But it was pointless.

“My baby!” Her voice, warm and naturally mischievous, hit you. And it hurt so much. It hurt to imagine she was deceiving you.

Using you.

You forced a surprised smile, but you felt the burn behind your eyes, the frustration-laced tears that weren’t allowed to fall.

“Mama,” the word came out strangled from you. “What are you doing here?”

Rio gave you a lazy smile, the kind that always made you feel safe.

Your heart clenched with confusion. She stood up in one fluid movement, walking toward you as if there wasn’t an ocean of doubt and betrayal between you. Her strong arms wrapped around you in a warm, perfumed embrace.

The familiarity of her touch nearly made you crumble.

“Well, Mommy had an unexpected issue here, so of course, I had to come. I left Vision in charge. I didn’t really want to go anyway.”

You pulled back slightly to look at Agatha, who was sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in hand. She sighed, watching you with forced patience.

“An issue?” Your eyes narrowed slightly.

“Nothing you need to worry about, darling.”

The words should have been comforting. But you felt the weight of them, the unspoken truth behind them.

Am I your dream girl?

You think of me in bed

But you could never hold me

You like me better in your head

Make me evil, then I'm an angel instead

At least you'll sanctify me when I'm dead

You sat down beside Rio, feeling her warmth against you. She seemed relaxed, her fingers tracing idle patterns on the hem of your sweatshirt. Before, you would’ve adored this gesture. Now, it felt like a magician’s trick—something beautiful and deceiving, meant to distract you from what really mattered.

The wine on the table reflected the soft glow of the fireplace, the clink of ice against Agatha’s glass the only thing filling the momentary silence.

You had to act normal.

You had to deceive the deceivers.

They couldn’t know what you knew.

The knot in your throat doubled in size, but you swallowed it down along with your suspicion. You forced a small smile and stood up.

“I’m going to take a shower,” you said, making yourself sound casual.

Rio runs her fingers lightly along your arm, her lazy blue eyes meeting yours as she nods. Agatha merely tilts her head, watching you like a puzzle she’s trying to solve.

You step away, feeling your back burn under their gazes.

With every step toward the bathroom, your heart pounds harder.

You needed to get out. Needed to think. Needed to understand what was happening before they realized something inside you had already shifted.

Hot water cascaded down your skin, washing away the weight of the day—but not the weight of your thoughts.

You braced your hands against the damp tiles, inhaling deeply, trying to ignore the small bottle sitting on the sink. The dark glass seemed to pulse toward you, demanding a decision.

Should you drink it? Unravel the truth once and for all?

Dream girl evil, dream girl evil

Dream girl evil, dream girl evil

Your heartbeat thundered in your chest. If Alice and the others were right, drinking it would shatter the illusion. It would be like opening your eyes for the first time—but were you ready for that? Could you bear the truth that came with it?

You swallowed hard, fingers closing around the bottle. The dark liquid inside swirled like ink, thick and opaque. Slowly, you twisted the cap… but your hands trembled. The temptation to take a sip was there—but so was the fear.

What if this was a mistake? What if it was just another trick to pull you away from the only people who had ever truly mattered?

You exhaled sharply, snapping the lid shut and shoving the bottle into the bathroom cabinet.

Not now.

Stepping out of the shower, you wrapped yourself in a towel and glanced at your reflection in the foggy mirror. Your eyes looked different. You couldn’t tell if it was just exhaustion or something deeper—something already changing inside you.

Drying your hair quickly, you left the bathroom and stopped in the hallway. In the silence of the house, you found yourself standing between two doors.

Your room or theirs?

Your grip tightened on the towel, chest rising and falling with hesitant breaths. Your room meant safety, distance. But theirs…

You could almost smell Agatha’s familiar perfume, feel the warmth of Rio’s arms—the place where you had always felt safest. The weight of that longing made you waver for a moment.

Should you keep your distance?

Did I disappoint you?

Did mommy make you sad?

Do I just remind you

Of every girl that made you mad?

Make me perfect, make me your fantasy

You know I deserve it

Well, take it out on me

Or should you go to them, curl into the space that had always been yours, and pretend nothing had changed?

You pushed open their door and found everything... normal.

Too normal.

Am I your dream girl?

You think of me in bed

But you could never hold me

You like me better in your head

Make me evil, then I'm an angel instead

At least you'll sanctify me when I'm dead

Rio sat in the corner chair, the cold glow of the iPad illuminating her face as she scrolled through the screen, seemingly absorbed.

Agatha stood at the vanity, massaging floral-scented lotion into her arms with slow, meticulous movements. The sweet, woody aroma filled the room—a scent that once brought you comfort but now felt suffocating.

They looked up at the same time when you entered.

“Finally,” Rio murmured, eyes still on the screen. “You were taking your time, baby.”

“I think I relaxed a little too much,” you replied, aiming for casual as you walked toward the bed and sat down.

Agatha smiled at your reflection in the mirror, rubbing lotion along her neck. “Did you relax… or did you need some time alone, sweetheart?”

Your stomach twisted.

“How was Alice?” Rio asked, closing her iPad and crossing her legs.

You shrugged. “Fine.”

Silence.

Agatha turned to face you directly, one brow arched. “Fine?”

Rio smirked, the corner of her lips curling like she was enjoying this.

“You know,” Agatha continued, stepping slowly toward the bed. “Calderu mentioned she’s quite the troublemaker.”

You forced a neutral expression. “Is that so?”

“It is,” Rio answered before Agatha could. She leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees. “Great ideas, but sometimes too much creativity… affects her in ways it shouldn’t.”

Agatha sat at the edge of the bed beside you, her perfume weaving around you like a web.

“She might start seeing ghosts, for example.”

Your heart skipped a beat.

You forced a laugh. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Rio stood, walking toward you at an unhurried pace. “It means some people are easily influenced. They pick up bad ideas. Start believing things they shouldn’t.”

Agatha’s eyes gleamed with something unreadable. “Oh. And I bet she’s filled that silly little head of yours with the most filthy nonsense.”

Dream girl evil, dream girl evil

Dream girl evil, dream girl evil

It happened too fast.

The grip.

Her fingers found your throat—firm, demanding.

You gasped, not from the force of it, but from the shock.

“And I think we deserve to know the truth, don’t we, sweetheart?” Agatha murmured, leaning in close until your faces were nearly touching.

Watch me shimmer (shimmer)

A projection of your mother (mother)

But don't come crying (crying)

I am nobody's moral center

Rio moved behind you, her hands sliding over your shoulders—cold, chilling.

“Let’s have a real conversation, baby…” Rio whispered against your ear, her warm breath drawing a shaky sigh from you. “Just the three of us.”

Agatha’s fingers tightened around your neck, the floral-scented lotion making the grip feel almost intimate, at odds with its brutality.

It cannot hold, it cannot hold

It cannot hold, it cannot hold

The room—your safier sanctuary—was now a cage.

And you… you were trapped inside it.

~*~

Another cliffhanger chapter cuz I know my babies love that.

Tell me about your theories!!

Mommies always know.

Tag List <3

@vyvvycg @rosekjsses @3liyuh @indentity0018 @beggingonmykneesforher @reginassecretlover @trying-to-do-good @imjustvibingsworld @mbxoxo @jazzyxqzl @eternallyconfuzed @ctrlaltedits @sheriffhaughtearp @lesbiansweet @i-luv-w1men @htinha157 @syssmin @wandasslut3000 @fuzzygiantlamphorse @imaginaryblogger01 @aboutcustardcreams @upsidedowndanvers @starbucks-06 @absolute-memegarbage @trinity2k @greyella @angel-kitten-babygirl-u-choose @whitelotus00 @dandelions4us @creaturesaphique @warpdrive-witch @sweetmidnights

[veeloveshawks]

Sent 9:01

summary: clicking on contacts in a hurry, you accidentally send a compromising photo Deku, your fellow classmate. Neither of you were expecting the other to be up so late when classes were to presume the next day, and neither of you really minded.

warnings: blowjobs, teasing, Deku’s first time

word count: 3123

[new message: yn]

Deku could hardly grab his phone fast enough, fumbling with the passcode in his excitement. Despite texting you numerous times a day, the rush of adrenaline he received when your name popped up on his screen was greater than any feeling he could get from battle. Maybe it was because he usually knew what to expect from fighting, always a plan in mind. But, with you, the possibilities were endless. Training? Study session? Dinner? Just chatting? He wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t wait to find out. Scrolling through the pages of his home screen, he landed on the one with his texts on it, quickly tapping it with his thumb. You two chatted quite frequently, and in comparison, he didn’t text anyone much (with the exception of All Might, who constantly asked to speak with him during lunch periods, and Bakugo, who found the idea of being able to berate Midoriya without having to physically see him appealing), meaning you were already on top of his notification list. He anxiously opened your contact, reading the message hastily.

Minaaaa, this set is cute but lwk expensive - sent 9:00 p.m. do I keep??? - sent 9:00 p.m. wait let me send a pic - sent 9:00 p.m.

Admittedly, he’s a bit confused. First, he’s definitely sure he’s not Mina, looking down at the skin he’s confident hasn’t been changed to pink through some miracle. And, second, what were you even talking about? Set? Of what? Realizing it must have been a mistake, maybe even something he should stay not knowing, he opens his keyboard to tell you you must’ve clicked on the wrong contact. But, just as he begins typing, his eyes flick up at a new message.

[image attached] - sent 9:01 p.m.

Deku probably shouldn’t have been nosy, digging into texts clearly not for him. He wonders if this was almost as bad as digging into your texts with Mina herself. But, another part of him is curious. Most of your peers were sound asleep, not a single noise in the dorm except for the gentle breeze the stirring papers in front of him. He was supposed to be studying, was studying, before you texted. Fine, he decided to himself silently, going to click on the attachment. I’m already in this deep, what’s one more harmless distraction? He predicted he would click the image quickly, send an apology text that he’s in fact not Mina, but hello regardless, and be on his merry way. What he couldn't have predicted, though, was the image he actually saw. You stood in front of a full body mirror, one he saw before in your bedroom while passing. He observed a few things: posters of your favorite shows, shows you’ve bonded over, a particularly made bed, silk sheets flowing over the frame, and finally, the subject, you. Your face is covered by your phone, but almost every other aspect of you is exposed. One leg over the other, you showed off the white mesh socks you were wearing, sitting right below your thighs that were pressed together. Between your thighs were the lace underwear that rested just about on your hip line, lace trimming the edges . The color was light pink, along with your bralette, that hung on your chest, clinging to you. Looking a bit closer, he recognized the pattern of roses adorning the fabric. He admired for a moment before realizing what he actually just saw.

Oh. Oh.

Once he fully comprends, he shields his eyes immediately, wincing at how hard he just hit himself. That would definitely leave some mark, but it didn’t matter. Not with the already red shade crawling up his neck, threatening to seep into his face. He cracks an eye open only to swipe away, immediately hiding away in his face again. He just saw your legs with nothing on them besides, practically clear socks and a small garment covered in lace. Was this what girls usually send each other? He couldn’t even fathom the thought of asking Denki if a pair of boxers made him look good, or Todoroki if a compression shirt looked nice on him with his abs. There were too many questions whirling around his mind, and if he wasn’t short circuiting on the impact of seeing you, he was now. Maybe the, now swirling, gut feeling planted within him was correct. He rubbed the face once more over his face before opening his eyes, looking at the screen again. He was grateful for the phone’s option of being told there was an image attached without having to actually see it. What he wasn’t grateful for was the option to see when someone was typing, because it made him dizzy, not knowing what you were to say next. Did you notice it wasn’t Mina? Were you embarrassed? Mad at him? He couldn't even think about the last option without his chest tightening. The forewarning of a message almost made him sick. Through his fear induced haze, he came to an epiphany. If he could see you typing, that means… He looked at his keyboard, to discover not only was it open, he was very much typing. Ohgodohgodohgod he was so screwed. Maybe you weren’t aware of your error yet, but you knew whoever was behind the phone saw it, and was actively in the inbox. Red fully consumed him now as he scrambled for ideas of what to do next. He couldn’t even think straight with the mortification. And, though he’d been training extensively, he wasn’t sure his legs had gotten bulkier to the amount his boxers would feel this tight. Facing you seemed unbearable, and he went to the next best thing. Ending it. Through the window sounded like a good option, but since you were still awake, you might make eye contact on the way down. Suffocation could work too, but he felt weirdly… possessive over accidentally dying with his phone unlocked and anyone being able to see the photo. Plus, he really didn’t want to die with everyone knowing thinking he was a pathetic, lonely, horny loser. Did boners work when you were dead? He didn’t know, and he didn’t care to find out. He reached a dead end of idea as you texted again, the notification snapping him out of it.

why are you taking so long to type - sent 9:07 p.m. does this mean I’m jaw dropping lmfao - sent 9:07 p.m.

You were, Deku said to himself before scribbling the thought out of his mind. What was he thinking? You were his classmate! Yes, you were pretty, prettier than any girl he’s ever seen, but what he saw was still wrong. This entire situation and every detail was wrong. He took a sip of water to cool himself off because has it always been so hot in here? He spits it out and chokes on it with the next message.

Deku??? - sent 9:08 p.m.

This was it. He’s lived a good life, could’ve experienced some more things, sure, but simply couldn’t live after this. He threw his phone across the room, almost hitting a valuable All Might figure, and his face into the pillow. No one could see the photo if the screen was destroyed, he supposes. What could he do now? He had to see you tomorrow, and wasn’t sure if he could look you in the eyes. In fact, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to do that again. He could try to pretend he saw nothing, but you were smart, and he was a bad liar. No, if he was going to die, he’d at least apologize first before smothering his face full of cotton. He paced around his room, practicing to himself. After a few minutes, he picked up his, surprisingly not cracked, phone again. Though, he did feel a bit light headed, so he assumed the throw hadn't been too hard. He was faced with four new messages from you.

your poor innocent eyesssss I’m so sorry - sent 9:15 p.m. omfg are you choking??? - sent 9:15 p.m. what just hit your wall, you okay? - 9:16 p.m. please relax I can hear your shuffling - sent 9:16 p.m

If he didn’t deem himself an idiot a few minutes ago, he did now, as he completely glided over the fact his dorm room was separated from yours by a single, thin floor. At least you didn’t seem mad, more concerned if anything, but it was still humiliating. He didn’t even send the photo, he was probably working himself up over nothing, but still. It’s been two minutes since your last message, and since you already knew, he may as well say sorry. Just as his hand reaches the first initial of your name, a new message comes in from you.

you can come see it in person if u want - sent 9:18 p.m.

Huh? You wanted him to do what? If there was anything Deku was, it wasn’t a ladies man. He was far too busy for that, the thought of dating hadn’t even crossed his mind. Very few were surprised when he mentioned to a small group of U-A boys that he hadn’t even had his first kiss during a game truth or dare (where he was originally asked his body count, and almost passed away on the spot). So, going over to your place would be a huge step. But was he willing to take it? Absolutely. He closed his notes immediately, maybe slamming the book down a bit more enthusiastically than he should’ve. He moved to his dresser, picking out a new pair of sleek black boxers (thinking it wasn’t very cool to show up with pre already staining his briefs), a pair of sweatpants, and an athletic shirt. He looked good enough. It didn’t really matter, he was going to take them off anyway. He opened the door gently, so as to not wake anyone, before closing and locking it to make it appear as though he was still in there. He was normally a rule follower, and sneaking out this late for a hookup was probably breaking the rules, but did he care? For once, not really. Then he checked the hallway, making sure no one was in there. If he got caught now he may as well just turn back, pretending he was sleep walking. When the coast was clear, he booked it down the stairs, not caring if anyone heard this time. After all, he was always known for moving before he could think.

-

One, two, three. He rhythmically knocked on the door, gently this time. He didn’t really care about waking the guys up, they woke him up with their late night shenanigans all the time, but the girls were a different story. He could say he was on his way down to the bathroom when on the guy’s level, but the girl's floor level? And at a door? There was no coming back from that. So as anxious as he was, he knew he had to be careful.

“Door’s unlocked!” Your bright voice echoed outside the door, and he winced. He loved your voice, it was his favorite sound, but he’s sure that just the phrase alone would cause a discussion among a few people that were either woken up, or happened to be quietly awake. He pushed the door open and the scene was even better than what he had seen on the screen. You laid on your bed, back facing the sky, and your neck twisted over to look back at him. Were you sure it was okay for him to see you like this? From the smile you made at his flustered expression, he guessed it was. You sat up, legs moved to the side on your bed, patting the space next to you.

“Come here, Izuku.” His name. He was already weak in the knees, wobbling over to sit on your bed. Out of what seemed like instinct, you placed a hand firmly on his upper thigh, and he swallowed a whimper. “I’m really sorry for looking, it was an accident, I swear!” He tried to be as expressive as possible without causing too much noise, to which you just laughed. Replacing the hand on his thigh to go on his cheek, you replied. “You’re fine, I didn’t mean for you to see it. Not complaining, though.” Your thumb began to rub figures on his face in a circular motion. He melted completely, his brain going to mush. “You and Mina’s contacts are both pinned on my phone,” you began to explain “I accidentally clicked your’s instead of her’s.” “Wait wait wait, I’m pinned in your texts?” He exclaims, not trying to be subtle about his shock. “Well yeah, I text you all the time. More than anyone I think.” He’s at a loss for words. Noticing this, you take charge, pulling him in further to kiss him. The connection brings sparks to his lips, which in turn, makes everything in him short circuit. This was really happening, and he had no clue what to do. He awkwardly guides a hand to rest on your lower back, and the other to hold the back of your hair. Trying to test for boundaries, you slip your tongue slowly into his mouth, two which he immediately gives access to. Just when he fades away into a shell of himself, you pull away, giving him time to breathe. Panting, he looks at you with a bewildered expression. Why did you pull away, was he not doing a good enough job? He hoped you enjoyed just a little, it was his first time after all. And he knew he was enjoying it thoroughly, wanting to feel your soft lips combine with his again. “Think you could take these off for me?” Confused, he looks down. Oh. Your hand is pulling at the hem of his shorts, and he nods immediately before slipping them off and tossing them somewhere in the dark room. He was about to take his boxers off too, before you stopped him, holding his hand so he wouldn’t continue.

“You seem really eager already,” you motion towards his dick, that is fully hard and straining against the boxers, threatening to break through at any time. Great, you hadn’t even done anything yet and he was already rock solid. Nice going. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but is this your first time?” How did you know? Well, he wasn’t going to lie and say it wasn’t The way he looked away, a mixed between desperate and petrified, told you everything you needed to know. “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle with you.” He felt a hand palm his cock through fabric, and gasped, instantly going to rock against it for stimulation. “Here, you can take them off now.” By the time you said the last word, they were already off. Promptly, you got on your knees, not worrying about hair getting in the way. You palmed him again, finding it amusing how sensitive he was from just a light touch.

Then you flicked your tounge against his tip, swirling around the precum that was starting to run. Reveling in the feeling, you decided to stop teasing, and finally wrapped your lips against him. He gripped your hair, squeezing hard as you moved up and down. He’s never felt anything so exhilarating before, the fear of waking anyone up completely washed away under your mouth. He begins thrusting his hips forward, the movement being a bit stiff at first. Once he found his rhythm, though, he was completely addicted. Stuttering breaths and mumbled praises left his mouth. At one point, he slapped a hand over his mouth, trying to conceal a moaned out swear. You looked up, his eyes glossed over completely at the new feeling of your tongue. He looked down at you, taking note of your hand now placed on his hip, your concentrated look, and most importantly, the lingerie that landed him here in the first place. He wanted to rip them off you immediately. That would have to wait for next time, until he got more comfortable. For now, you being able to please him would be enough. When you made eye contact, that was enough to finally make him finish. Singing in your praises, ropes of white, glistening cum coated your throat, and you swallowed, savoring the taste. He layed back on your bed, completely out of breath. Disheveled was an understatement to how he looked at the moment, and you adored it. His green hair was slicked back with sweat, pink misting his face. Though collapsed, he made sure to plant a hand on your shoulder, as if commending you. You stood up and joined him, underestimating how much the quick blowjob would take out of him. Right, it was his first time, you remembered. Baby steps. Originally you planned on removing his shirt and going further, but he seems perfectly content right now.

“How are you feeling?” You said, interrupting his jagged breathing. Your hand began to caress his face again, as if lulling him to sleep. “That was… incredible.” “I’m glad you enjoyed your first. Maybe I should give you a closet tour sometime so you can come back.” You teased, and he turned beet red at the thought of coming back multiple times. He moved your hand away from his face, opting to hold it in between the space that divided you. He didn’t want to move, breathe, or blink. He didn’t want to miss a single second of this. “Do you want to stay the night?” You chirped in, noticing how his grip was growing more intense by the second. Cute, he was protective. “Can I really?” He replied enthusiastically. He never really considered it an option. But he was more than happy to find out it was one. “Of course. Let’s go get you cleaned up, okay?” You stood up, guiding him to the bathroom, and he quickly followed.

Midorya was known for moving too fast before his brain could fully think. Midorya was also known as a lot of things. Innocent. A rule follower. A loser. To some, a virgin. And hooking up with a girl in his class well beyond curfew, and sneaking into her dorm nonetheless was considered none of those things. But, just like the time, he was ever changing. Sneaking out this late for a hookup was probably breaking the rules, but did he care? For the second time in the night, and the second time ever, no, not really.

Author’s Notes:

First fic🙈🙈 This was sosososo fun to write. This might actually be my peak writing and it’s the first one but. I tiny tiny bit ooc but this is my first time writing for Deku so pls bear me. Also virgin Deku pls save me I love him.

[girlwithherheadinthestars]

study tips i made instead of studying

first and foremost, do as i say not as i do (as in don't post study tips on tumblr when you have seven tests to study for)

make it aesthetic, that's always super motivating. put a playlist in the background like the "you're a princess researching about your mother while trying to overthrow your father" or "solving a mystery in your elite boarding school" or "studying in a library with the ghosts" (look them up they're good god knows i'm too lazy to link them) also mcu soundtracks help me so much!!

pretty notes!!

DRINK WATER (go now fr or i'm going to find you)

something i like to do is keep a big cup of water next to me and force myself to sit and study until it's empty

open windows!!! wind helps me focus personally

pretend you're studying in hogwarts or in the dead poets society or something. imagination is very powerful

snacks!!!!!!

more snacks!!!!!!!!!!

get interested in what you're studying. like fr. stuff we learn in school is amazing af like what do you mean we found out the universe is expanding through red-shift??? ok i know this is very nerdy of me but it's cool af. BE NERDY.

take breaks <3 always

pretend you have a rival you need to destroy (if you have one that's even better, personally me and my rival sometimes study in the same room to motivate each other just by glaring at each other from across the room)(side note: this could also be his method of flirting i will never know)

stand up and walk around every once in a while. for all my figure skating besties -- try to do an off-ice axel in your kitchen. it tends to wake me up because i tend to fall when i try to do a double but whatever that's a me problem.

find somewhere comfortable and wear something comfortable

make a to-do list

SEPARATE SECTION ABOUT TO-DO LISTS BECAUSE I HAVE A WHOLE SYSTEM FOR THIS

first of all you're going to brain dump everything you have to do. every little thing. including walking your dog. everything that has to be done in the next 24 hours.

let's take a sample to do list:

- math quiz

-math homework

-physics presentation

-chemistry test

-french oral

next, you're going to give each of them a score. how do we put scores? well

give it an easiness score from 1 -> 10 (10 being you can do it upside down with your eyes closed)

give it a stress score from -1 -> -10 (-10 being it causes crippling anxiety)

give it a priority score from 1 -> 10 (10 being your teacher will hunt you down if it isn't done in the next hour)

finally, give it in a convenience score from -1 -> -4 (-4 being i don't know where my notebook is my pen is in antartica i have no material to do this atm)

for me it would be something like

- math quiz (5E, -1S, 10P, -2C) 12

-math homework (7E, 0S, 8P, -1C) 14

-physics presentation (6E, -2S, 5P, -2C) 7

-chemistry test (2E, -2S, 10P, 0C) 10

-french oral (10E, -3S, 8P, -1C) 14

then sort everything. do the highest scores first and the lowest scores last (so you get the easy stuff done and get motivated to continue) and there! your to-do list is done in the least painful way possible <3

[melancholic-pigeon]

Okay this is the *actual* last comment, for real, but I just found out Spider is now smearing me as a convert and accusing me of being involved with drama I was not involved with because he mistakenly attributed my apologies for his public temper tantrum as being about something unrelated.

THIS IS A FALSE ACCUSATION and I do not appreciate having yet another bit of fake malicious intent falsely ascribed to my actions and* attributing a completely unrelated attack to me.

Also, it's very sad and disappointing whenever a Jew gets mad at a convert because something else is going on in the Jew's life and the convert happens to be in the splash zone and the Jew falls over backwards to smear the convert and invalidate her faith.

Just....the childish aggression is making me so, so sad and disappointed, from someone I used to think very highly of, who is now lying about me and publicly smearing me with false accusations based on a conflict he started because he misinterpreted something I said and I went out of my way to give him the benefit of the doubt when trying to clear up the mistake HE MADE that led him to decide bullying and attacking me for three fucking days was appropriate and okay and that I'm the bad guy for saying it's wildly unprofessional to behave like this in public to a former customer face.

Sorry, but facts, reality, linear time and the truth of what I actually said and did are on my side here, and I will not stand for being smeared and attacked and shat all over because I had the gall to try to kindly resolve his uncalled for, unjustified temper tantrum.

I am also not sorry that I left a side note in the tags that it was also unacceptable for HIM to drag his daughter into a stupid internet slapfight based on his own reading comprehension failure. Because it was and is unacceptable, and she needs to hear that message from someone.

End of story. Keep digging that hole as long as you like, Spider. It's not helping your case and is continuing to make you look progressively worse and more unreasonable, and the only person you have to blame is yourself.

*revised for clarity

[adore-gregor]

.

[allbeendonebefore]

went to this fabulous talk about the parthenon marbles last night and 24 hours later im still buzzing with excitement about it and seeing my profs and then of course today i get an email from my boss asking for updates and im just aarghh why am i doing this work why am i not going back to school why am i not going on an archaeology dig ugh ugh ugh

[txmxkis]

been going crazy over jing yuan today. no one is shocked

[numetalkids]

*inhales*.....................DEEP SIGH

[britneyshakespeare]

i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.

the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.

and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.

when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.

i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.

i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!

because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?

in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.

like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.

i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.

and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.

i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.

i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.

i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.

but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.

that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

doctors and nurses should be forced to work in retail before being allowed anywhere near patients

[boomerang109]

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ITS OCTOBER TMRW

[eleilinnrallin]

The weird thing about dysphoria for me is that it's not... really related to how I look? Which is a funky little thing. Probably has to do with the fact that I'm terrible at determining if something is aesthetically appealing or not.

Sometimes there's a little bit of it when I look in the mirror, but it's more a sense of wrongness than "oh I don't like that" or "xyz would look better". It's a sense of disconnect from what I'm seeing. Like I'm looking at a version of me someone drew who doesn't know what they were doing. A sense that I'm not looking at myself, or that I'm looking at an incorrect version.

When I look in the mirror I tend to notice things I like, now. Once I cut my hair, I'd look and feel so happy. I still do, when I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye or when taking selfies with someone. When I do makeup things (Always rather Extreme, Fun things, like big swatches of colour under my eyes, or pride flag colors, or similar) I see how I've made some sort of art. If I'm wearing affirming clothes, I notice how it changes my outline.

But there's still a pervasive sense of wrongness, the same one that's been there since I started puberty. I'm surprised my body looks the way it does on a regular basis, but more than that, I'm surprised when I can't do things.

I try to sing in a range I can't reach. I try to lie flat on my stomach on the floor. I used to try compete with my brothers athletically and hold them as a standard I could reach (even though I never could without putting in so much more work than them). And I'm frustrated when I can't.

Clothes fit wrong or feel wrong, my voice sounds wrong, even my bones are the wrong size.

Ultimately, that's what dysphoria is to me. It's not bad self-image; I actually rather like the nondysphoric parts of my body. It's just. wrongness. Not fitting in my body, my body not fitting me. Because in the end it's not a matter of how I look. It's a matter of how I feel, and becoming comfortable in my body.

[adore-gregor]

finally