#no i did not reread anything i wrote and i don't intend to

[sofeashabani]

sleeping over at someone else's house

as gauche as it is to start a sentence with "i'm a part of gen z..." i don't think there's any other way i can start this, so here it goes: i'm a part of gen z, which means i don't have the kind of close-but-not-really, community-based, interpersonal relationships previous generations have had. i'm awkward on phone calls, i hate texting and catching up with people via text, i want to meet up with friends i haven't seen in a while but i'm too anxious to follow through with any of it.

that said, this year i slept over at five of my friend's houses. (six, if we're also counting yayah, but i never count yayah - i'm so close to her it feels more like i'm sleeping over my sister's place.)

first: alli. we'd met at the noah kahan concert and i mentioned i was going to manchester and could drop by paris for a bit, and she offered to have me stay over hers for the weekend. i'm tempted to say this is the first time i've stayed over the house of someone i barely know, but that wouldn't be right: a year prior, i stayed at nisa's house in dublin. i had never even met her prior, the only reason i knew of her was because her dad was friends with my dad. but i knew alli, had talked to her for hours while in that queue, stretched out on her blanket and letting her talk my ear off about hazbin hotel. but it was the first time i ever stayed over the house of someone who wasn't muslim (excluding michèle, my airbnb host when i first came to poitiers - i sure do have a lot of exceptions, huh?) and it was an enlightening experience, to say the least. it was most definitely the first time i ever stayed with an american, the longest i'd been in the presence of an american for an extended period of time. it was the first time i realised that speaking in english for so long and all the time wasn't as natural as i previously thought it to be. it felt like a performance, one that slipped when i got too tired. though i knew the references and could make appropriate jokes, there was still a cultural divide. i constantly felt like i was being tested. on what, i had no idea. i didn't think she was malicious enough to, because why would she anyway, but i felt it regardless.

i was grateful then to stay at raja's house in manchester a few days later. here, i could feel myself shaking off that anglicised, americana!sofea persona like a well worn coat. here, i could fully be myself, a distinction i hadn't known existed until then. manchester was lovely. exciting at first until the thrill wore off and i became aware that manchester didn't have that much going on for it. but still lovely. it just reminded me too much of the monotony of poitiers. though raja is one of my closest friends, until that point i hadn't been very close to her at all. in our friend group, i was always much closer to the other girls - yayah and i have always been close of course, both emotionally and physically, as we'd sat next to each other in class every year since we were thirteen; zaiti and i have a lot of interests in common, we can talk for hours about movies and books and tv shows and we have; becky and i got closer by nature of the two of us being prefects, and we'd shared many a conversation whenever i drove her back home after school in our senior year. but i didn't have much of that with raja. i don't think we ever had a single substantial conversation, just the two of us, while we were in school. i think she thought me too annoying and strict and overbearing, especially in our senior year, because i'd been elected head girl and took it far too seriously than i had to. but i'd mellowed out afterwards of course (at least, i hope), but still, there wasn't much time for us to talk. i went to her birthday party when we were at school. we talked in the group chat. we went out to eat whenever we could, but always with the others too. the first time i ever had an actual conversation with her via dms was when she was freaking out about her relationship with her then-boyfriend of several years. i was in la rochelle and was therefore the only one awake when she called me, crying, and then hanging up, texts coming in in rapid succession. i tried my best to talk her down, offered any bit of advice i could think of, any solace i thought might help, keenly aware of the fact that i didn't know her well enough to know what would help, not really. so staying at her manchester house two years later felt like a big deal to me. and i'm really glad i did. we talked for hours and hours, and exhaustion came from not getting enough sleep, not from thinking and speaking in a language i wasn't born into. of course, we spoke a mixture of english and malay, but i'd always underestimated my need for malay in conversation. it's when i feel the most myself, when i have the ability to mix between the two. one cannot exist without the other, and all that rot. to her credit, raja did try to show off manchester. we had waffles with some other friends from school, who were also living in manchester. raja and i saw challengers in the cinema, sharing a cup of ice cream and a packet of chocolates. she came in in the middle of the night, fresh off of going to a football match, jumping off the walls and raving about how electrifying it all felt. i was helpless to watch and listen, unable to feel anything but joy, happiness transmitted by proximity. i feel closer to her now than i ever have, and i don't think our relationship could've ever developed into what it's become today if i hadn't stayed at her place that april.

i stayed at her place again in june, before we took a plane back to malaysia for the summer, but briefly before that, i stayed at our mutual friend qilah's house. i knew qilah far, far less than i knew raja. for one thing, the last time i had seen her was in primary school - over ten years ago, really. we weren't in the same class then; we knew each other by association. but raja had gotten covid from our summer trip to lyon and the south of france, and had to quarantine for a week. so she asked around and managed to get me a room at qilah's house for a few days while she recovered. the kicker was that qilah wasn't even home - she was off in iceland or something. so i was staying in her room and had to somehow coexist with her housemates, people i had never met in my life. later, in the groupchat, becky would marvel and say, "i swear sofea's such an extrovert you could throw her anywhere and she'd be fine." it's true to an extent, i suppose. i always feel like my extroverted tendencies tend to come out whenever i feel like other people aren't as extroverted. like, if i'm surrounded by people who are all timid and shy, i somehow feel like it's my duty to be the one asking where everybody's from and getting the conversation going. the opposite, and i clam up quick. but luckily, in qilah's house, her two other housemates were the quiet types who were deeply interested in my life in poitiers, so i had assumed an extroverted persona as if by default, without even realising, Sofea with a capital S, the girl people were used to meeting back in school. it helped, i think. i was able to make friends with those girls, making an already awkward living situation marginally less awkward. it also helped that they were very friendly, too. it never bodes well when people aren't as open to making friends as you are.

the fourth home i stayed at, i stayed for about a month or so. it was the height of summer in paris, and it was the olympics. i was a volunteer at bercy arena and my friend teha was gracious enough to let me stay at hers for the duration of my volunteership, for a fee of course. i had only met teha once before: a year prior for lunch when i came to paris to send in my ballot for the election. we'd only ever exclusively chatted via instagram dms - i don't fully remember how exactly we got to talking, but it was borne completely online. essentially living with her in her studio apartment for over a month was definitely awkward at times, and i definitely felt like i overstayed my welcome at times, but it was clear that we were both ignoring any awkwardness to make it easier on the two of us. teha was easy to get along with and incredibly patient given i was sleeping on the pullout couch in her living room. i loved the neighbourhood she lived in, loved how close it was to the metro, loved how quaint and quiet it was. we watched movies together, ate together, talked shit together. it was the closest i had ever gotten to having a roommate (living in a dorm with five other girls during my year doing the pre-france program doesn't count, i think) and i definitely had my fair share of stumbles. but teha, bless her, never made a big deal out of them.

though i loved staying at hostels, the price didn't always agree with me. sure, for the most part they were cheaper than the hotels, but they still cost a pretty penny. so i swallowed my pride and anxiety and asked mayanne, a volunteer i met and worked with during the olympics, if i could stay over her place for a few nights for my chappell roan concert. she enthusiastically agreed, and when the concert was cancelled and our team managers asked if any of us would want to spend a few days volunteering for the paralympics, i took it as a sign and stayed with her anyway. i volunteered for two days, happy to relive the volunteering days if only very briefly, and stayed with mayanne the whole time. this was the second time i stayed with an american, and like alli, i became painfully aware that i wasn't fully comfortable speaking in english at length, for so long. plus, what i tended to do when i spoke with americans was emulate their accents a little bit - it felt more natural to me to carry on a conversation that way, but at the same time felt unnatural, if that makes any sense. that first day when i settled in, we talked so much and for so long that i began noticing that i was accidentally slipping malay filler words in conversation, like a multilingual cliché. i loved talking to mayanne, i really did - it was like a therapy session with someone who gave back as good as they got, who validated everything i ever felt and said all the unspoken things out loud - but it was still tiring. i'd known for a while that by nature of the way i grew up, so entranced by western media and by extension, white people, in all the movies and tv shows i watched and singing all my favourite songs, i always thought i "fit better" with westerners, whatever that meant. i could make their jokes, i understood their references, it felt natural to talk to them. at first. but my two experiences staying with westerners have definitely disillusioned me a bit. for good, i think. i think i needed it. needed to snap out of it. i think i spent so much of my life wanting to get closer to them, wanting them to see me and know that i was just like them, even though i wasn't really. i knew, objectively, of course, but it's hard to unlearn something so internalised. it just took me a little longer to realise.

i like when things line up thematically. i especially like it when thematic full circles happen in real life. and here is one, lining up and linking closed so perfectly you would've thought it was planned. so far, i don't have any plans to stay over anyone's house in 2025, but of course, i'm not ruling anything out.

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Okay, I've Read Worm: A Retrospective Part 4: Let's Give Wildbow Some Fucking Well-Earned Praise

So, I've had a decent number of harsh words for Wildbow over the course of my liveblog, and also over on my main blog. Overall, most of them are about his WoGs or Ward, rather than Worm itself. I've also commented I don't think I'd enjoy talking to him (not that he's likely to ever reach out, but you know). But I've had some complaints about Worm too.

But the thing is, I did read Worm. I read the whole thing. A desire to write fanfic would not have kept me going through all 30 chapters if I hated it. Or even if I just thought it was like, mediocre. It's 1.6 Million words. I am not that kind of masochist.

Life is short, Worm is long, if I wasn't enjoying it, I'd have left a long time ago. So I did enjoy it.

And the thing is, even if I never pick up his other works (and I do intend to try some), I am no doubt going to have more harsh words for Wildbow in the future. And I have no doubt that even if I love say, Pact or Pale or Claw or Seek or... I dunno, his next Web Serial after Seek called *throws a dart at a wall* Iota, I'm sure I'll have harsh words. I can't think of a single creator of anything that I don't have at least some issues with something they put out.

And to be fair, even most people who fully like Worm and Ward tend to have some harsh words for him now and then, or at least negative ones.

BUT, I liked Worm. And so, I think it's fair to really sit down and give him some unalloyed, unambiguous praise.

The Pace of Output: This is probably low-hanging fruit, but it is genuinely impressive that Wildbow wrote Worm as quickly as he did, sticking to a schedule as consistently as he did. I am in awe. I think even if I didn't have to work at all, and was able to write all the time, I wouldn't even be able to match half of what he did in the same amount of time, in terms of output. Wildbow accomplished something that is genuinely amazing here.

The Shards, Entities and Powers: Shard mechanics are not my favorite thing about Worm. But the whole thing really does come together well. It's a pretty cohesive, pretty well directed power system to tell the story he wanted to tell. I don't consume much cape fiction, so I don't know what stuff beyond Marvel and DC are really like in terms of how powers work and how they all fit and service the story, but for Worm, the Shards work to tell the story he wants to tell, really well. I read and write mostly fantasy and sci-fi, and spend a lot of time in worldbuilding spaces dedicated to both, or have at least, and a lot of would be writers fall into the trap of trying to overdevelop the magic system or the rules for whatever crazy supertech their story has without really stopping to figure out how it fits for the story they want. That's generally not a great approach if the intent is to have a story, and not just a cool setting or a fun magic concept. Wildbow created a pretty cool system, and then managed to avoid the common trap of getting so attached to the power system and it's rules that it interfered with telling the story he wanted to tell. Instead, he built and bent the system with his story as the driving purpose, and kept it all cohesively working within that framework.

The Interludes: The Interludes are without a doubt some of the best shit in Worm, overall. The way he is able to convey so much about these characters in these cutaway scenes and expand the world and advance the story and develop ongoing themes and narratives? Nearly every Interlude is doing like, 4 things at once, I swear to got, and the way he juggles that all together is awesome, and the end result is great. I will never go back and reread all of Worm from start to finish. But I will sure as shit go back and read some of the interludes just for the sheer fun of it. The way these cutaways manage to get you inside the head of these people, see their perspective is really good, takes real skill to make you go 'I really kinda see Saint's POV here' for his Interlude, for instance. Really good.

Amy Dallon: So like, I think it's clear I love Amy. She's fascinating. I have big feelings about her, and she's a divisive as fuck character. But Amy Dallon is the most fascinating character in Worm for me personally and she's genuinely one of the most fascinating characters in anything I've read. I'll have more to say about Amy if I manage to get a version of that Amy retrospective I'm happy with written, but unironically? Wildbow, thank you for writing Amy Dallon. I bitch about how much she's taken over my brain, but Amy is such a fascinating, interesting, enjoyable and engrossing character that she has been a net positive for me. Reading Worm and reading about her has enriched my life. Thank you. You did a damn good job with her in Worm, Wildbow.

Taylor Hebert: As I said back in Part 1 of this retrospective, I was worried I'd find Taylor insufferable. Her capacity for self-rationalization should be an issue for me. It often can be in other characters. But Wildbow managed to write Taylor amazingly. He created a character who is multifaceted, multilayered, complex, nuanced and yet, pretty simple. She's intensely relatable, and yet, she is also deeply, deeply alien and abnormal. She does absolutely insane shit, and yet, when you're reading along with her POV, so much of what she does and thinks makes her seem like the only sane woman in the room. Even when you take a step back and realize what she does, she's very hard to not like. Even if you want to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her, you like her. She's great. She's an everywoman, she's no woman. She's clever and stupid and brilliant and unimaginative all at once. She is... She's Taylor Hebert. She's an antihero, a villain protagonist, a hero hero and... she's just some fucking girl.

Heroes/Villains: What I mean by this bulletpoint is - villain protagonists, making villainous characters sympathetic - that's easy enough to do. And making the 'official heroes' of a setting not really as great as they might seem is also fairly easy to do. But it is hard to pair the two together as well as Wildbow did. The Undersiders do a lot of bad things (I would disagree with people who say they're all *fundamentally* bad people - even Regent... ish, kinda sorta. He's so fucked up due to his background that calling him fundamentally bad is probably not really accurate. Though some people draw red lines around some of what he did, so that's more subjective. But like, the key thing is that he did that while *also* still making them pretty sympathetic without like... running protag-centered morality and still making them have done quite a bit of good (and a ton of bad) AND the handling of the heroes. Because it really does look a lot like he's doing a bit where the 'official heroes' are the real bad guys of the story between things like Armsmaster's shit and Interlude 2, but he also doesn't actually do that. And he executes it in a way that is really well done, without doing the thing where the narrative acts like someone is evil but like... the person isn't.

This isn't really an exhaustive list of 'everything Worm did well' or even 'Everything I liked about Worm', but it is stuff that Wildbow did really fucking well, that I really liked or am impressed with, and that he deserves unalloyed praise for.

There are reasons why I kept reading Worm, and those are some of the reasons.

(There could also be a point on how he manages the readers' information diet, but it's really hard to say for sure if it's something that I really liked because I came in so thoroughly spoiled. From what I can see, I think I would have liked it and given it the unalloyed praise normally, but it's impossible to say because I knew what 75% of these clues were ahead of time).

Mr. Bow - you did a lot of shit I don't like. But holy motherfucking shit, you did some goddamn amazing stuff too.

[alexanderwales]

Review: The Case of the Sleeping Beauties

The Case of the Sleeping Beauties is a novella that I wrote back in 2015. Ambitiously subtitled "a Utah Sinclair mystery", it did not make any significant splash. It's got 67 lifetime sales, a 3.8 rating, and a single proper review. Some of this is simply a lack of marketing: back in 2015 I had written some fanfic and not much else, and was still working as a software engineer. I'm not sure why I wrote this novella, or decided to put it up for pay (unlike virtually everything else I've written, it's never once been up for free), but I consider it an abject failure, at least as far as writing for money goes. Also the cover sucks. The whole thing is 20,000 words, so short enough that I can easily blow through it in an afternoon. Also (still) available in EPUB, MOBI, and PDF for patrons, but I don't have firm numbers for how many people read it that way, nor if it did anything to encourage patronage.

But is it an artistic failure as well?

There is actually another Utah Sinclair mystery, it was intended as a trilogy of novellas that together would be long enough (and coherent enough) to stitch into a full book with the three cases being individual "acts". I don't know the last time I reread The Case of the Sleeping Beauties, but my guess is that it was while I was trying to complete The Case of the Slaughterhouse Prophet, and that would have been almost a decade ago.

The story was written at a time when I was playing Malifaux, a skirmish game, and is clearly heavily inspired by that, though with the serial numbers filed off. It follows Utah Sinclair, a private detective of the yonside as he wanders around a rambling city trying to figure out where undead prostitutes are coming from.

Mild spoilers follow.

Prose

The first thing I noticed is just how much noir it's channeling, and how much is being put into descriptive phrases. Stuff like this:

The first human through the portal from earthside had found himself on the outskirts of an empty city, one that seemed like it had been cobbled together by an orgy of deranged architects.

Or this:

There were a few maps of Cathopolis, but they only agreed on the areas that the Priz maintained control over. Everywhere else was a geographical bedlam.

Or this:

He was the sort of person who was waiting to disgorge his thoughts, like a mother bird ready to feed a starving chick.

Or this:

I had a revolver strapped to my ankle, one affectionately advertised in the back of the penny dreadfuls as the Silent Witness. It was supposed to be a subtle weapon, but it was still a gun, and if I’d paid chits for it instead of pulling it off a dead man I might have written a nasty letter to the manufacturer about its supposed silence.

Or this:

It took me a moment to realize it, but he was dressed up like a Catholic priest, all in black with a white collar. Even if he’d been standing in the middle of the Vatican with the Pope vouching for him, it wouldn’t have been convincing. Partly it was the scars on his face, but it was also the head that had been shaved with a secondhand blade. The snub-nosed shotgun at his side didn’t help matters either.

I assume that this is channeling Raymond Chandler, since I read a lot of detective fiction when I was a teenager (my dad had loads of the stuff) and Chandler was always a favorite. I think the density of these flourishes could be higher, and if you're going with this style, it's better that it's liberally peppered in. You don't want to sink into the rhythm "normal" prose only to have a tiny speck of flourish pop out at you.

There were a lot of things that I tightened up while reading, partly because this is the easiest thing in the world when reading in GDocs, but I don't know that I'll push a change to the ebook, partly because I would need to figure out how. Most of these changes are fairly minor. There's an overuse of semicolons, which I think I was in love with at the time, a romance that hasn't lasted. There are a few minor tweaks that are just on the order of "no, the phrase 'mechanical fingers' might be misread as poetic, it should reworded to be clear that these are prosthetic". A few of the tweaks are just to reduce down how much text there is, making it more punchy, so "the Priz didn't tax any property that a person might want to claim in this part of the city" becomes "the Priz didn't tax property in this part of the city", and this is essentially inarguably better, tighter, cleaner prose.

Also I fixed some typos, and those do make me feel like I need to figure out the reupload.

Character

I think I've gotten better at character voices through the years, but here I kind of doubt myself, since everything seems fine in that regard. Utah and his partner Ralph don't talk enough early on in my opinion, and there might be a few too many characters introduced in rapid succession, which is a problem when they're not advancing the plot. Cyanide Sally is a bartender who owns the House of Skulls, and she serves a bitter almond special that's (supposedly) fatally poisoned one time in every hundred, and this is very fun ... but it's irrelevant to the plot, it's just fun for the sake of fun.

I do think that Ralph gets speaking lines a bit too late, given that he's the second main character. My advice to my past self would be that he should be getting characterizing dialogue from the word go, and that this central relationship should be better understood by the reader much earlier. And they should be more distinct from each other: the orthogonality thesis is that every set of characters should only overlap where there's something interesting to say with that overlap. Cover up the names and see if you can tell who said what line! This does not work for Ralph and Utah, but I think it does work for most of the other characters. And I guess I wouldn't say this is fatal, since it's not like there's some grounding character arc between our detective and his sidekick.

Utah himself is ... fine. Some of his characterization comes through in the narration, and there were a few moments I particularly liked from him, but I'm not sure that I could sketch him out in a sentence. He's down on his luck, loves to break rules, lies through his teeth, scrambles around and gets back up from the hard punches. I'm not sure that this is enough. A job should be more than a job, I guess, and I do get the sense that he's skeeved out by the necromancy, but ... well, that brings us to the other thing.

Theme

This is, if you squint, or maybe even if you don't, a cop story about sex work. It also kind of doesn't have that much to say about either of those things.

Utah is a private detective, doling out justice for people who can pay him. In real life, private detectives come in a variety of flavors, but one of the most common is just the pursuit of things that are not actually criminal issues, like breach of contract, or adultery. This is a criminal issue within their world, but it's one that no one in power is pursuing. There's some clear contempt for the regular cops from Utah, and some further contempt for the law itself, since he breaks all kinds of laws in this lawless world, including murdering two men, which doesn't greatly affect him. This is self-defense, but still. I don't think there's some great thesis on criminality or justice here, and the novella overall is justice-neutral, seemingly unconcerned with what's right or wrong, only trying to work the problem. This is maybe fine?

And the sex work stuff is seen through the lens of Utah, and this is also seen as maybe being just morally neutral in a matter-of-fact way, something that people do in order to get by, no different from working in a coal mine or whatever. And there's exploitation, but that's no different from working in a coal mine. So I think this story has a viewpoint, but not a thesis.

Does a story need a thesis? Does a little novella like this need to have something to say about the world and the people in it? I don't know, I guess not, but I sure do prefer when there's something to grab onto. I am a sucker for story structure though, and a nice little character arc, and this piece ... does not really have that. Utah is challenged, but he's not challenged to his core, and does not grow and change, and this probably fine for a 20k word novella.

I think in the end it's more of a "wouldn't it be fucked up" kind of story, and in this case I don't particularly like that, since it's not fucked up enough.

Ideas

One of the other things that I look for in any story is cool ideas, and this is one of the things that I like most about reading long ago pieces, because sometimes I've forgotten those ideas.

The idea density is okay, but I would have liked to see more. A weird fiction setting is a playground for ideas, and I feel like especially in the back half, there's just not enough playing going on. It is only 20k words, but that feels like it's enough for easily twice as many little fucked up weird things. So that's what I would do, include more fucked up weird things. (The part where they go to the manor is the one that stands out clearly to me as needing more fucked up weird things, there should have been some kind of magic sculpture there or a steampunk maid or something.)

Of all the stuff that I had forgotten about, my favorite was the necromancy lobbyist, a guy who just really believed that necromancy should be legal, but was supposedly not a necromancer himself. So he's just talking about like regulatory schemes and social mores, and this is funny. I'm glad he wasn't a bad guy in the end, for some reason I thought he was going to be involved in the plot in a more critical way. Instead, he's just a happy little academic.

Conclusion

Fun to reread, and no, I would say not an artistic failure. Definitely feels like it wants a second mystery to follow after it. I believe The Case of the Slaughterhouse Prophet is approximately half written, which with editing work means only a quarter written, but again, the numbers mean that there's just no way that I can justify that as anything but a labor of love.

I wouldn't say that this is the best thing I've ever written, but I think it compares favorably to the other mid-length stuff. Definitely would have been stronger with a thematic core, and with more cohesion between protagonist and plot, but I also think that's fine.

I guess, having read it after nearly a decade, I'm feeling weirdly defensive about it for no particular reason. It might have been one thing if it had just not sold, that's partly just down to the lack of marketing and also the market for novellas being bad. But it also scored poorly in terms of ratings, and on top of that, never got enough reviews for me to get a picture of what was not hitting right, which leaves me grappling in the dark.

So I'd say that I learned approximately nothing from this, except that I had some more ideas for a Weird West kind of story, if I ever end up writing one of those.

[rosekasa]

what are your top five books? (love your writing by the way!!)

ANON THANK YOU!!! and thank you x2 for this question i was actually hoping id get asked this when i reblogged the post HAHEJEJEJWJEJEJ

im gonna paste the reviews i wrote for them (if i have them logged)

these are my top 5 books for 2024!

1. a thousand splendid suns - khaled hosseini (reread)

i think, above all, this is a love story in the broadest way possible. it is about love interwoven with fear, in an environment where survival is not guaranteed -- or, rather, is not guaranteed to be easy. in the context of the afghan war hosseini brings together two women under the same roof in a co-wifeship, and how, despite all the differences between them, love blossoms from their shared sisterhood and desire to protect one another. allyship against their abusive husband turns into a friendship turns into what becomes a mother-daughter relationship, a sharp, tearjerking contrast from the harsh conditional tolerance the rest of the world treat these women. a quote from the beginning of the book encapsulates this story perfectly: a man's heart is not like a mother's womb. it will not stretch to accommodate for you. it will not bleed. but despite not being of each other's wombs, mariam and laila did exactly this for one another, stretched and bled until, at least through one of them, they could experience a birth into a better life.

2. lolita - vladimir nabokov (reread)

lolita is not a love story. i have said this every time i have read the book, but in my third pass, as a 20 year old instead of a 14 or 17 year old, all the flowery prose, the carefully hidden details feel like they've been peeled off like a fruit skin and left the bare rinds of what this story is. humbert humbert kidnapped a 12 year old girl, drove her around the states, and raped her for a year. not to mention the abuse that continued after that.

this book deserves five stars because nabokov is clearly a master in creating an unreliable narrator. there were times i questioned whether anything we knew about humbert was real at all -- the small suggestions that he has embellished certain details, this insistence of creating 'art' and taking liberties for that purpose. you could argue that humbert is delusional, but i actually don't think he is. i think he knows exactly what he is and what he did but is psychopathically aware of creating a new version of himself and his story to make a good story for the 'jury'. because we do see his true colours, very often, in fact, colours that betray his claims that he loves lo, that he believes she's the one who can control him -- for example, the evaluation of Charlotte haze in his ability to 'twist her wrist' as he did with valeria, his almost disgust at some of the regular 12-year-old things lo was into (magazines, etc), and, most importantly, the fact he states the murder of quilty was actually the intended climax of his memoir all along, the whole purpose of his work. that's not to mention his obsession with 'capturing' lo -- in his journal entries, in the desire to take photos of her while she played tennis, in the very act of calling her 'lolita'.

i think this book is a disgusting, monstrous work of art. always enthralled by nabokov's mastery everytime i read this

3. rumi: selected poems

(this review was a load of nonsense so this is the redacted version)

like soap washing with our dirt, rumi cleans us, leaves us empty, draws our awareness back into the infinite.

4. gora - rabindranath tagore

after reading this i had to sit in silence for a while to just. process. because WOW. out of all of tagore's translated novels, this may have been my favourite -- the critical commentary on identity that home and the world could have been if it were longer! when binoy grows close to a brahmo family, conflict arises between him and his best friend gora -- a fierce adherant to hindu principles, especially the separation of caste. what follows are a series of events that brings into question the foundation of each character's religious principles -- what is impurity? what does it mean? how much of a person's worldly community should a person be expected to sacrifice for their religion? and how much of these principles are intrinsic, inherent in the hearts of all believers, and how much is learned, a garment clutched onto by believers for a sense of identity? to what extent can this garment be actually beneficial -- and to what extent harmful, weaponised to separate oneself from others and monochromise a world filled with different colours? filled with as many perspectives as there are characters, tagore observes the nature of religion, with all its guidance and restraints, and how spirituality can turn into tyranny in times where one's identity is threatened. a work extremely relevant to the british raj and the divisions thus created within hindustani society!

5. a little life - hanya yanagihara

i hestitated to pick this up because i've definitely heard some interesting opinions about it, to say the least. i've heard people say it's one of those books that are sad for no reason, that pile on the trauma just for the shock value. and, while on one hand, i can see where opinions like this come from, i can't disagree more. the sadness is there for a purpose. maybe not in a way that the characters can see, but in the way that we can see -- the purpose of showing us that no matter how much meaningless sadness, the unfairness of pain we have in our lives, the people who love us will always try to fight for us to stay alive, and, at the same time, how this fight may, at the end of the day, be for nothing, and yet it doesn't stop us from fighting. yanagihara explores friendship, love, and devotion, the decision to keep loving someone, the decision to make someone 'less sick' if they can't make them get better. heartbreaking in the futility of efforts, in the decades-lasting scars from experiences jude had no control over, in the complications in all his relationships, the people who want him to stay, and the trauma in him that makes it so hard to stay, we see that loving people isn't necessarily about how easy it is to be with them, but about how much we are willing to try.

ask me my top 5 anything

[obsolescent]

I lovee all are of the dust a lot (I reread it for this and it hit me just as much!!) so I would LOVE to hear what u thought while writing it🥰 especially this part bc AAA

Oh lord Em…. The way I just dropped to my knees reading what I wrote again… Sit down and get comfortable 🛋️

The soul of Ethel Cain reached into the depths of my being and wrenched All Are of The Dust out of me while I was listening to this song of her’s (specifically the second half of the song)

The lines “Please, don't love how I need you / And know that one day, you and I could be okay,” are ones that resonate throughout this.

I was like let me try my hand at writing angst, let me dip my toes in. At first, like you with 505, I had become uninspired with it before I had even wrote anything down. But I sat and dug through my mind, and motivation struck with the Preacher’s Daughter album.

Southern gothic imagery galore, it’s what I had been envisioning for this piece. I was like, this is what I needed! So I thought of this world, where you and Leon had grown up together, the trailer park not too far from the orphanage, inseparable in and outside of school, twin flames who found one another so early in life and refuse to be separated.

This was also meant to be for someone who is trans in some way, hence the part where he suggests moving to a bigger city, that you would find more people like yourself. I did leave it ambiguous though, but that’s the theme that’s interlaced with the story. He knows how hard it was for you growing up, and having been there the whole time and being your favorite listener, he knows you best. He wants you to flourish and knows you’ve been hindered by your childhood.

As a child, he knew there wasn’t much he could do to keep you safe from adults, their words like the worst paper cut to skin. Especially from a so called “loved one” who was supposed to have been someone who rallied behind you, not join the opposing party. Leon intends to make good on his word and keep his promise, if you’ll let him.

He wants to save you from that god forsaken town, leave it all behind and start anew. He never wants you away from his side for long, but he also knows just how scared you are, how terrifying change can be to someone, having to go through it when he lost his parents at such a young age. You, on the other hand, also know that if you agree to leave, finding yourself in a new place, the independence you had gained would vanish. No familiar buildings or signs nor faces, regardless of how rude they could be. You having to depend on someone once more, no matter how much they mean to you, has you digging your nails into your palms enough to draw blood, a scream bubbling up inside.

Leon would never push you into something that you’re not completely behind, so he’ll let you make your decision on your own. He knows you need time to mull it over, let you have your time with your thoughts. Though, he feels unsettled by the feeling that’s stirring in his gut, for the one answer he dreads to hear.

I do have it to where there’s two ways this can end. I won’t go much into detail here for the fact that I have much planned for it, but this really did inspire me to pick this story back up.

Thank you, Em, for wanting to hear my rambling and wanting an analysis on my work, we both share in the brain rot that is Leon Kennedy 🧡🤝🤍

[satancopilotsmytardis]

Alright.

I understand that a lot of people love your writing, and due to that they want to have you write bottom Shigaraki and top Dabi.

This is because people love how you write their dynamic and the skill you have surrounded it due to the enjoyment you get out of it.

But that’s why you’re so good at what you do. You enjoy and love to do what you do.

And I can admit a few months ago I did ask if you would do it, I was one of those people. But I understood that means no, and I moved on, because if you don’t enjoy writing it, and have -0 love for it, then we won’t enjoy reading it. You will not enjoy writing that dynamic, and you don’t owe us anything. You do this because you love to write, the people who ask for this don’t give you any money, and even if they did you wouldn’t enjoy it and would say no because that is a boundary you have drawn in the sand.

You have barely any boundaries.

- No minors

- No Kinks your not comfortable with

- No Top Dabi and Bottom Shigaraki.

And I’m honestly getting annoyed for you because it’s multiple times a week you’re saying no, some times a few day. 1/3x you post it’s this.

So. Tanco will not write Dabi sticking anything in Shigaraki (minus a very rare blowjob)

Tanco will not write Dabi having full complete control over Shigarki, physically, mentally, emotionally and their dynamic.

Tanco will not write Shigarki having stuff inside of him via Dabi (minus a very very rare blowjob and that ONE fic).

Tanco wrote Bottom Shigaraki once and it was a treat. A delicious treat. If you want this from Tanco reread that fic, and stop asking Tanco over and over again and violating their boundaries that they have lined in the sand since they started writing. Tanco is pretty much the only person who writes bottom Dabi and not too dabi, they are gorgeously unique. Everyone else minus like 3 other fanfiction writers write bottom Shigaraki. Go and read their stuff and stop nagging my favourite fanfiction writer and causing them stress. No you cannot ask over and over again until they give in, I suspect they will just stop writing entirely.

Thank you :)

I hope you have a nice day Tanco, and I hope you’re feeling better soon. Give your cat a kiss for us. :D

I appreciate the sentiment very much, and when I update my blog next I will be creating a pinned post with an FAQ to make my boundaries clear and hopefully quell the amount of asks I get for this kind of content. However, I don't want to discredit any other writers out there writing Shigadabi content in any variation, and while the intended tone of this ask was kind, I am an adult and it is my responsibility to make my boundaries clear. I cannot have others speak for me on that front. I appreciate Anon for wanting to show support, but please remember to be kind to one another 💓

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

"You Need To Go To Therapy"

Dear Future Husband,

Apparently I need to go to therapy.

At least, according to MotherLivelyHeart.

Go ahead. Ask why.

Ok, I'll tell you:

Because she interpreted a message from me in a way I didn't intend it.

Oh, you wanna know the message?

I responded to her 7:15pm message of "FYI You should be heading home now" with "I'm like a minute away. You said 7:45"

And apparently she took that to mean, "I'm in the car and driving and only a minute away, I'll be there shortly."

Which I did not.

My meaning was "I'm at a location only a minute away from you, so why are you messaging me to head home right now when you need a ride in a half an hour and not this instant."

Now, rereading my message I can see how one would think that it might mean "I'll be there in a minute."

Except that she responded with "I just don't want you to cut it too close." And then TWENTY MINUTES LATER said that she was on her way down to wait for me in the lobby of our building.

I pulled up in front of the building at 7:45pm and she was PISSSSSED.

She has a ladies thing on Monday nights at 8pm that was on haiatus around the chagim and tonight they're back at it.

And she told me earlier that she wanted to leave at 7:45pm because the thing is about 8 minutes away and she didn't want to be late.

I'm going out of town for a month and a half and leaving TOMORROW.

I told her LAST WEEK that I had some stuff I needed to get done before I go and really hoped she'd get a ride to the thing but she had every excuse in the book.

"None of them live in the area."

"None of them are running errands in our area."

"Why would they go out of their way to pick me up?"

And my favorite:

"The ladies in the group are.... I don't want to say anything bad, they're really nice ladies, but I don't want to bother them."

We NEVER discussed whether I'd be giving her a ride or if she'd be taking the car. Since in the past I've given her a ride, I assumed that's what we were doing.

So she was pissed that (a) I was "late" because she'd been waiting downstairs for 10 minutes and that is just so "unbelievable" after telling her I was "a minute away 30 minutes ago". And (b) that I was taking the car to get some stuff done while she's at her thing because I'm LITERALLY LEAVING TOMORROW and it would just be sitting while she's doing her thing.

But there was no "thought you said you'd be home in a minute" message or "should I meet you for the car in a minute?" or anything like that.

She thought I was going to be home in a minute and then twenty minutes later told me she was going downstairs.

That's not a conversation!

Though she considers it one.

There was no way for me to clarify anything because she didn't even give me a hint that she had misunderstood what I was saying.

But I'M THE ONE with a communication problem.

And I'M THE ONE who has a time-telling problem.

And I'M THE ONE who needs therapy because we have "too many" of these misunderstandings.

I'm pretty sure it's misguided rage. Because I'm pretty sure she's pissed she can't be there for the birth of her second grandchild (b'shaa tova sometime soon).

LittleBean is turning 3 this year and they live in Israel so MotherLivelyHeart doesn't get to see her and she won't be there for this birth or get to hold this baby as a newborn.

But she spent the entire car ride over to the thing telling me I need to be in therapy, whether with or without her, to deal with this communication problem that WE have because she did not clarify or ask for clarification for a message that I don't know how to even reword to make it simpler to understand without it sounding wordy and condescending.

FML

"I'm only a minute away" has the same connotation.

"I'm not that far away" is the same thing.

"I'm right around the corner" - same problem.

In fact, I almost wrote "I'm right around the corner" and then thought THAT made it seem like I was driving and literally around the corner, so I didn't use it because I DIDN'T want to be misleading.

How do I phrase "I'm at a location that is the distance of hardly a minute, let alone a half hour from where you are" without suggesting that I'm in the car and driving to her right this very second????

And how do I add "you told me you wanted me back at 7:45 so you could make it to your thing at 8pm without walking in the door at 8pm, but it's only 7:15pm so I still have a half an hour and since I'm only the distance of like a minute away, why should I be on my way back home right this minute?"

HOWWWWW????

"It's almost like you do this on purpose."

EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!?!

HER misunderstanding a message from me is somehow MY fault!?

That's gaslighting, right?

You know, gaslighting - the very phrase she throws around like everyone is doing it to her because she's the victim all the time?

I'm so done with this crap.

I just want to disappear into nothing right now.

Just cease to exist.

I can't handle this stuff anymore.

Yeah, I need to be in therapy but not to deal with OUR communication issues.

I need to be in therapy because of this crap she does to me.

And I'm never going to escape this until one of us dies.

FML.

So, my dear future husband, if you actually exist:

I'm sorry.

That's literally all I have for you right now. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for who I am, I'm sorry for where I come from, I'm sorry for the baggage that I'll bring to our relationship.

I'm just sorry.

-LivelyHeart

[kingwithpaintedfingers]

An Update on the Status of My A03 Fics!

Hihi! I have no idea if anyone who follows this blog reads any of my fics on AO3, but if you do, then you might like to know what the heck is going on with my fics, and why I haven't posted any updates in over six months.

First of all, I am alive! I wrote a lot of fics in the summer of 2022 when I had just gotten active in a fan server on Discord where there was a lot of encouragement to write fanfiction. In the spring of 2023, I started a medical assistantship course, and in order to keep myself focused in class, I turned off notifications for the server. And then I just kind of...didn't turn them back on???? In my defense, I was intimidated by the amount of time it would take for me to backread everything I missed, and that eventually snowballed into me just no longer looking at that server. I should honestly become active in it again, because it did a lot for my writing productivity. I also have a lot of hobbies both in real life and on my computer, and those take up a lot of my time as well. So that's why I didn't post much last year and haven't posted anything yet this year.

But I want to let you all know, that I do fully intend to complete the fanfics I have already started on AO3, and I do intend to write the sequels I promised a year and a half ago.

So without further ado, here is a status report on the incomplete fics and series I have on my AO3:

How to Live With Fire: One of my most popular fics! I have two sequels planned, and a rough idea of what I want to happen in each of them. Both of them are probably going to be only a few chapters long. The delay on this one is mostly on Part 2, since Part 2 has only the vaguest ideas of what I want to do with it (how Mortarion and Vulkan become a longterm couple, and how their legions react to this change). The trouble with this one is, I haven't read any Salamanders novels, let alone ones that take place during the Horus Heresy. I think I will at least have to read Deathfire for this one. I am praying that I don't have to read Vulkan Lives, since I understand that one has less tasty Salamanders content than I would like, and way more John Grammaticus than I find tasteful. But I will still try Deathfire at the very least, if I can find a physical copy at the library or a used bookstore or something.

A Matter of Trust: Another one that's going to end up being a trilogy. I have figured out what happens, now I just need to read the Plague Wars trilogy, because those events are going to be kind of important to the rest of the plot. Again, I'd like to read physical copies of the books so that I can flip through them easily. I'm going to see if I can find copies of the first two novels through the local libraries. Fingers crossed!

Until the Bitter End: Ohhhh, this one's gonna make me cry...this one is mostly hinging on me rereading The Buried Dagger and taking notes. Much lower barrier for entry for this one, since I've read it so often that I mostly remember where to find the events I'm looking for.

Lantern and the Child: This one is going to have like, a billion chapters. It's going to become episodic for a while, but I'm looking forward to it. In this case, it's a case of figuring out which characters I want to introduce. The idea of it being episodic is kind of exciting for me, because it feels like it will be a fun thing to do, and because it goes along with a writing conceit that my co-creator and I have for this AU, that it's the events of a theoretical (very dark) Pokemon anime.

This Once Nearly Was Mine: This one should literally be the easiest one to complete, I am ashamed that I haven't finished it. There's only one chapter left, and I don't even have to come up with all of the events. Again, this one is going to dip into Horus Heresy events that I haven't actually read, but I think I've heard enough from osmosis that I can skip most of it. I just need to, y'know, actually sit down and fucking write it.

Deep's Embrace: I've got an outline! And I've even got some scenes written out! As I type this post, I am preparing to submit chapter 2. I'm having a lot of fun with this fic, as you could probably all tell.

Anyway, that's basically it for now. If you have any questions, please let me know! And if you have any friends who you know enjoy my fics but aren't following me or aren't on Tumblr, please link them to this post so that they know just what the hell is going on with me.

[queenofbaws]

For the behind-the-scenes fic asks, could I get 12, 24, and 25 for The Almosts pretty please? I'm so insanely curious

heheheh aw man, any chance i get to rant and rave about t(a), you KNOW i'm gonna take it!! ;)c

12. Was there a scene you wished you could have included? Why didn't it fit in?

mmmmmmmmm this one's tricky. i wouldn't say there were any scenes that i wished hadn't ended up on the cutting room floor in the end (as the wordcount will attest, pffffft), but there are definitely some that i had sort of imagined going differently when first planning/setting about writing, and that ended up significantly different when all was said and done.

the two that come most readily to mind are: (1) the whole reason i had sam's dad scott be an er nurse was because i fully intended on him being the one letting her know about josh's hospitalization, and then there being a very, very awkward confrontation with chris about it later; and (2) the fight in ch17 was actually going to be, uhhhhhh worse, hahahaha. in the end, i decided i wasn't really feeling the direction of those decisions, and so ended up changing them. i for sure wouldn't say i regret that, though, or that i wish i'd stuck with my original plan, but i do think they could've changed the overall vibe of the story significantly.

EDIT: I AM A FOOL! THERE WAS A SCENE I WISH I COULD'VE INCLUDED, AND THAT WAS SAM AND ASHLEY GOING FULL PARENT TRAP ON THEIR PARENTS TO GET THEM TO DATE SDKLFJLKSJDFKLJSDF hahahaha, not exactly an important part of the story, nor a necessary one, but........i had plans for scott giddings and jamie brown, oh yes i did. oh yes i did. hehe.

24. Did you write every scene in order? What was the first scene you wrote, and what was the last?

god no, oh jesus, oh no. nonononono. i am like, pathologically incapable of writing things in order. i WISH i had that sort of discipline, my gosh. hilariously, the first scene i wrote was...well, okay, yeah, the first scene of the fic!!! hannah and sam having a little chat before The Big Party, but after that, all bets were off, babyyyyyyyyy. i jumped around.....everywhere, and the one thing i remember most about writing t(a) is that i was, at ALL times, actively working on 3 chapters. nightmarish. don't recommend it. absolutely the only way i found i could get my brain to work XD the last scene i wrote.....man, was josh and hill in that last session. everything after that had already been written, it was all set in stone, but that last session, man...that one took me.......a long time to write, hahaha.

25. Is there anything you would change now about this fic? Why or why not?

so, here's the thing. i feel like it's really easy to look back on an artistic endeavor and pick out all the stuff you don't dig about the final result. i have, in all honesty, not gone back and FULLY reread t(a) start-to-finish since finishing it BECAUSE of that. i am positive that if i really sat down and looked at it with a magnifying glass, yeah, there are some things i'd change - pieces i'd get rid of, segments i'd rework, commas i would delete by the dozens.................

but at the end of the day, t(a) is, was, and always will be my baby, something that not only served as my first step into the ud fandom, but something that introduced me to so many AMAZING people - writers and artists and readers and editors and gifmakers and not-so-silent lurkers all - and so looking at it and thinking about the things i'd change doesn't really occur to me. it is what it is, and i'm very happy to leave it as is :) <3

that being said, i would've loved to format some of the...stuff in the ending where they (starve) in a more house of leaves sort of way, but ao3 proved pretty tricky for that, alas!

behind-the-scenes fic asks!

[lovelylotusf1]

Thank you for the tag @fueledbyremembering mwah!! :*

How many works do you have on AO3?

Since yesterday, 18. That’s a lot!!

What's your total AO3 word count?

AO3 says 96,173. Will I make it to 100k before the first year anniversary of my profile? I doubt it but anything can happen :D

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Love through the hook [751]

The Pet Name Challenge [721]

Open mouth, on my knees (for you) [674]

Sweet Kitten [585]

From crashes to kisses [465]

I really need to reread some of these, especially Pet Name Challenge because I do not remember much of what I wrote lmao. But thank you to everyone who likes my works, you’re the best <3

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! I love interacting with readers and also thanking them for taking the time to leave a nice comment. In the past, when I wasn’t yet a writer with my second account, I always got scared to comment if I saw authors didn’t reply, so now I am trying my best to answer! It sometimes takes some time for me to get around to them, but I love responding :D

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I do like to write angst from time to time but a completely angsty ending? I guess the ending to Cut open your Heart counts? Carlos didn’t have a good time there.

And maybe the freshly released Drowning (with you, in you) could be read as angsty, but in my mind, the fic is the first step towards a better ending for Pierre and Este! So, I intended it to be a bit ambiguous but hopeful at the same time, might still come across as angsty though. Maybe.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

That’s really difficult to answer because most of them end quite happy! Probably Eterni Rivali, though. I gave lesbian lestappen their cottagecore retirement + marriage ending.

Do you write crossovers?

Crossovers not really, but I like writing fusions! I don’t like to write “characters from fandom A meeting characters from fandom B”, but I DO like shoving f1 drivers into AUs, and sometimes that AU is based on another type of media (mentioning Eterni Rivali here again, because it’s a Pokemon AU).

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Thankfully no! I only ever got really lovely comments, and for that yet another big thank you for everyone <3

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do! I like writing smut that turns into a character study. Smut that says or shows something about the relationship of the characters I’m writing. Smut as a vehicle for characterisation, if you want to say it like that.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I … hope not? At least I’m not aware of it.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I did! The first chapter of Sweet Kitten has a Russian translation and it makes me so happy that someone would spend so much time and effort on translating my silly stuff.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Technically no. But if you count RPing back in the days for a different fandom that ended up as an almost fully-fledged fic until my RP partner never responded back? Then yes.

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Very difficult question. For F1, probably Landoscar. They’re my silly little cats that I can put into SO many situations!!

For other fandoms, there are so many Fire Emblem ships that I fondly think of. I couldn’t list all of them. (that’s also where my obsession with rivals/enemies to lovers comes from!)

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I have a rival bakery lestappen AU from … December last year??? I don’t think that’s ever seeing the light of day, but I don’t have it in my heart to move it into the Abandoned folder.

What are your writing strengths?

Oh no, not the being nice to myself question! :((((

Coming up with fun concepts? I once got the compliment that my writing has a certain whimsy to it and that was so nice, it almost made me cry.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I have certain word “friends” (which are filler and don’t do anything) that I need to search for every time I’m editing. I also know like two (2!!) rhetorical devices that I tend to overuse.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Only if the translation is easily accessible. Like creating footnote links (the links! part is especially important. I don’t like manually scrolling to the bottom) or having that cool AO3 work skin that lets you hover over a word with your mouse and it shows the translation.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I’ve been creating OCs and writing little self-insert things for Pokemon since forever. But properly writing? Fire Emblem Fates, if you count RPing as writing fics!

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

I want to write something for Strollonso someday! They intrigue me greatly. Also Oscarmark, maybe, because I enjoy the rancid vibes.

What's your favorite fic you've written?

Another really difficult question! Both my carcar fics are very dear to my heart. But “When the blood is dripping” was also so much fun to write!! I really can’t choose between the three.

Thank you for reading this long Q&A!

I’m tagging @wisteriagoesvroom @v3lnys and @1425fivefive if you have time and want to do it <3

[whumpbug]

Hello Bug!! I'm the anon who wrote the Christmas fanfic, and I'm so so glad you liked it!!! (I was actually super nervous about your reaction so all the positive things you said about it were very reassuring)

Gonna reread what you said about it so many times because it is such a source of serotonin

Anyway, you asked a few questions!!! which I would be happy to answer :)

Reference to the hypothermia fic?

Yes!!! Good job catching that!!

Both the old lady and the brother were intended to reference that fic. However what I didn't take into account while writing was that this would make Quinn and Temo related and my intention was to have a bunch of people Who Don't Necessarily Know Each Other coming together for a common goal

So YES they were both references but I'm gonna go with saying that the old lady was a different old lady but Temo's brother was indeed the kid from the hypothermia fic. if you want that to be canon that is

What's in the box?

I'm gonna be completely honest, the reason why I initially left it ambiguous was partially because I thought it'd be sweet to leave it open ended and partially because I. couldn't think of anything

I was gonna let you decide

BUT I have done some thinking and out of all the ideas I had, there's one I like the best. It's a new Vigil suit.

The nurse and all the kids gave a little bit of money to be able to afford it, the nurse with wages and the kids either with allowance or what they could persuade their families to lend them for a good cause. My idea is that Archie's original suit got super messed up (torn, stained et cetera) so they wanted to get him a shiny new one. The way they did this was by commissioning someone (who was willing to make it for half price because. cmon it's VIGIL) ahead of time so it would be ready for Christmas. All the kids have been patients at the hospital for at least a month, unfortunately. But FORTUNATELY, it gave them lots of time to plan this!!! Yes they have been planning this since before Archie was even shot. No they did not expect him to be shot. They actually had no idea how they were going to get the suit to him

The other gifts weren't planned though. They came up with those after the incident because they thought he deserved a little more :)

---

Alright!! Now that that's done, here's a little something extra

NATALIE Fifteen years old. Her favorite thing about Vigil is his kindness. It really is that simple. She loves how he's always been so openhearted and willing to help anyone who needs it. He's patient, compassionate and remarkably selfless. He saves people from disasters, but he also stays with them afterwards to make sure they're okay. She understands how thin he spreads himself, and she really appreciates it.

QUINN Five years old. Her favorite thing about Vigil is his bravery. She's absolutely amazed by how much he does every day. She notices how courageous he is, how strong someone has to be to do the things he does. When she grows up, she wants to be exactly like him.

CUAUHTEMOC (Temo) 10 years old. His favorite thing about Vigil is his resilience. No matter what happens, he's always back the next night. No matter how hard he's hit, he gets back up. Temo's life hasn't been a walk in the park, but Vigil gives him so much motivation to be strong. He's his idol. (He's been making crayon drawings of Vigil since Archie first started out as a vigilante. A lot of them are hung up in his room)

ESPERANZA 7 years old. Her favorite thing about Vigil is his enthusiasm. She can tell how passionate he is about helping people. He reminds her a lot of her late older sister — someone who seemed to put everything she was into what she loved. Vigil is brave, and he's willing to keep going no matter how hard it gets, but he's also happy. Esperanza wants to achieve that happiness someday. She's a little worried about him, though, which is why she has so much appreciation for the people who return the favor and go out of their way to help him. People like Simon.

THE NURSE (whom I have spontaneously decided is named Fred) 35 years old. His favorite thing about Vigil is the happiness he leaves behind. The kids who get to go home to their parents. The lovers who would have died, but instead they're strolling down the street hand-in-hand. It's the kind of thing that can never be truly repaid. But Vigil deserves a city that tries.

And here's a collective note they left for when their beloved hero woke up (Fred wrote Quinn's addition, but she drew the smiley face and signed her name) "Hi Vigil! I hope you like our gifts. Thank you so much for everything. -Natalie" "We love you Vigil!!! Get well soon 😄 -Quinn" "You probably get this a lot but you're my hero, Vigil. I hope you like my book -Temo" "Hi Vigil you're the best! REMEMBER TO HAVE A COOKIE -Esperanza" "Take it easy, okay? You only have seven lives left -Fred"

As always I love your ocs so much Bug :)

HI AGAIN ANON!!! i'm so glad i was able to be encouraging because you deserve it!!! the fic was so so so good!

✮⋆˙

thank you again for such amazing piece!! i was going to respond to everything BUT. expect my addition to the fic shortly. my "responses" are there!

the little note and the reasons they love vigil are so CUTE ANON i hope you know that. i love these characters so much. i truly plan on trying to incorporate them into future fics as little easter eggs because they are so well fleshed out and definitely important to archie now!!!!!

okay thats enough of me yapping! i'm going to go edit my fic so hopefully itll be up in at most a few hours! thank you again anon!!!

✮⋆˙

[oathena11-writes]

I just wanted to let anyone who follows me know that I'm taking a break from posting on AO3 until April, maybe later depending on how things look once we get to April.

I am hiding away the further explanation of why because it's more of a vent and whine session than anything and I don't want to subject anyone to that if they don't want to see it. And it got way out of hand.

(note: this whole thing is unedited)

Back in December I decided that I was going to take a break from posting, but because I was already done with several FoxQuin week fics, I decided to wait until after I was finished posting those fics to take a break from posting, even though that was inviting the possibility of things getting worse.

I used to be fine not getting comments, I had made my peace with it. I'm not sure why things started shifting for me last year, but it did.

By late September, early October, I was at the point that posting was just torturing myself. Any time I posted, I had to swallow down the disappointment of no comments, sometimes the first comments would appear days after posting, and sometimes they never appeared at all. 

I had some good fics I posted and even getting three comments on a chapter blew me away and made me excited- that's how little attention I'm used to my fics getting.

By December, I knew I was just torturing myself to keep attempting to post fics when the lack of comments got to me every time.

I know I'm not entitled to comments, heck I know why people don't comment. I hardly comment, it's hypocritical to demand comments when I struggle to even remember to comment before hitting kudos and subscribe and closing out the tab. I am working on commenting more consistently but it's a work in progress.

It still hurts. I know why it hurts, and I wish I could just make it stop. Because I love writing and I love sharing what I write with people even if I don't get comments. I love knowing that maybe there's a silent person out there who was impactd by the story.

I have always admired those who get many comments, who have an interactive audience who are all excited and vibing and sharing theories and excitement... I have always hoped for that myself but I don't really get that kind of interactions on my fics, just the generic comments of loving my fics. Sometimes, no one tells me what they love about my fics, what I'm doing right. No one comments on the parts I thought were particularly clever, on the big reveals, or anything. 

And it's fine if my fics aren't to anyone's taste, if I'm not as good of a writer as I think. I have an idea of my flaws, but I don't really intend on changing because every time I reread old fics, I adore them. I wrote them in a way that makes my brain happy, that is easy for me to read and I might spot some minor things, and things that I might change now, over a year later, but for the most part? What I know others might see as flaws are parts of fics that I adore.

It still hurts.

Maybe some of the trouble is just that when I write for events, particularly fandom specific events, my mind sees it as a gift to the community. 

But sometimes, I get even less interaction on my event fics. It hurts to write a gift to the community and to be so rejected as to not get a single comment. It hurts that the event fics that I pour my heart and soul into, trying to strike a balance in writing what I adore (though it's usually not the norm) and what the community loves, and I edit and post, thinking 'yeah! I nailed a lot of things this community. I put in x, y happened, and I even put in this popular fanon'. But then there's... nothing. No one cares that I put in all my effort to craft something that the community would love, often stepping out of my comfort zone to do so.

I know some of it is that I write strange headcanons that most people don't have, that I write rare pair ships, that my interpretation of things has no one group it belongs to because I often get a little from everyone.

Or maybe people don't comment because they don't like the responses I give, or because I haven't been responding to comments as much sense September.

Sometimes, not knowing is the worst. I have theories, but I don't know. If I do know it's because I'm an awful writer, great, I can put that to rest and I won't stop posting, but at least then I know what it is about me that people just don't like.

I know this is just a really self indulgent whine and who wants to read this, really? I'm not tagging it because I don't want people to come to my post. Because I am begging for attention, for someone to show me to care but I also know people hate that so I'm just posting this to have the vent out there, so I can pretend people saw and care. 

I know I'm not a big author, and I know now I won't ever be. I wish I was, I want people to love my work as much as I do. I want to nerd out with people.

I have been accepting that that's never going to happen. I can live with that.

But hardly getting comments... to the point that 5 of 7 FoxQuin week fics getting one or two comments, and 1 getting 5 is still making me get teary at all the positive things people had to say, all the nice comments.

I wasn't expecting that. I went in fully bracing myself for no comments on most fics and maybe 1 or 2 on two fics, if I was lucky. But that's not what happened. I got more comments than I'm used to and I kind of don't know what to do with them because I am so used to getting no comments at all that I am getting teary just thinking about it. 

Most of the time, all it takes is one or two comments to make my day. One if it's not a generic comment will have me going back to reread it several times a day until I finally respond. 

But no comments at all sends me to despair some days, especially on the fics I'm excited to post. Those getting no comments is devastating. Those days, where there's no comments within the first two days of posting just make me want to cry, and I don't know why it keeps hitting me so hard, or why it got worse last year. 

But that's why I decided to take a break from posting so that I can take some space, and hopefully by the time April comes around, posting without responses won't be so earth shattering. Hopefully I won't feel so rejected, so alone, so unimportant. 

I don't want to stop posting forever. At the very least I need to finish the ongoing stories I've already started posting.

But I needed to stop torturing myself. I needed to breathe and remind myself that it's not the end of the world and get some space from the tears that have been shed over lack of comments.

So... yeah. My mental state is not the best right now when it comes to posting, and I could have said worse things; I left out some of the really stupid irrational lines of thoughts that come up because I do spiral. I know how to handle it; I am safe at home. 

But I am losing spoons over it and I just can't keep doing this. 

I hope I can resolve this by April so that I can keep posting and don't grow too much of a backlog.

Thanks for reading my stupid, whiny, attention-seeking rant.

[sevens-evan]

Would love your director's commentary on the Ruby and Blake locker scene in Twilight AU -- particularly why you wanted to use Ruby to triangulate the bees in that moment, the ways Ruby maybe fails her intended mission but doesn't push, and how Blake's psyche filters all of that.

this is more or less a deep cut for me since i forget literally everything the second i post it SDLKJHG but i dug out the outlines and reread the scene and i will do my best. actually here is the paragraph of my outlines pertaining to that scene:

scene where ruby tells blake to be kind to yang. happens in the hall at school, by blake’s locker. blake asks if ruby is going to threaten her, and ruby is of course like no absolutely not. i don’t want to do that, yang wouldn’t want me to do that, and i wouldn’t hurt you anyway as you well know. blake does know. ruby just says that yang is lonely. she has been lonely for a very long time. she was before they were turned, she has been since she transitioned. part of it is the nature of their existence, and part of it is just who yang is. but she’s been better lately, since blake showed up, and ruby would just…like her to keep getting better. ruby says she knows that’s a lot to put on blake, and of course blake isn’t Responsible for it all. ruby just mostly wanted to say that she really likes having blake around, and she knows yang likes it more than she’ll admit—at least to ruby—and she figured blake should know.

so here there is obviously some stuff that did not make it explicitly into the scene but informed my writing of it. "ruby tells blake to be kind to yang" is not dialogue that actually occurs in the fic, but is very much ruby's intention in the conversation—to make sure blake understands the gravity of yang's feelings for her and basically just ask her to be gentle. ruby is the one having this conversation because yang is not in a place in this fic at this point to ask for what she needs herself.

and i just wanted to have a scene stressing the importance of ruby and yang's relationship, and since this fic was pretty tightly planned, and because it felt like true twilight fashion, it made sense to have that scene be bees related in some fashion. since ruby was basically the only person yang had for fifty years, i liked the idea of ruby trying to take care of yang in this arena.

in terms of why ruby leaves things confused, with blake thinking that she has been handed responsibility of yang's happiness in its entirety, behind the scenes it's because ruby doesn't fully understand the significance of yang's eyes. she also doesn't fully understand that, to blake, Everything In The Universe Is Blake's Fault Forever, and that blake is therefore going to spiral about this later.

some of the dialogue mentioned in the outline got assigned to blake instead of ruby in the final draft; that happens all the time because my outlines are usually more melodramatic and about getting the Feeling of the dialogue across than anything. figuring out what actually flows in a scene happens later.

another interesting note is that i open the outline with the setting, which is Not typical of me but is maybe typical of this fic? since it's based on the first twilight movie, which, for whatever else you might say about it, has a very strong sense of place with the trees and the rain and the green-blue coloring. i wrote this fic in general with a lot more attention to that sort of thing than i usually do (as you may notice that all of milf blake au occurs in murkily described apartments and nondescript parks and whatnot). unrelated to your line of questions but i think it's neat.

i honestly don't remember too much else (and some of this is me speculating on past me's intentions) but i hope this was interesting! twilight au my beloved i miss milf vampire raven every day

[walkawaytall]

For the fic ask game:

16. Is there a commonly held misconception about one of your stories that you’d like to correct for the masses? (I know of one and thought you might want an excuse to say it. 😎)

17. What does your editing process look like?

16. So, I think I actually may have touched on this answering number 20 (at least if I'm thinking of the same conversation that you are about Han's motivations in Purpose of Heritage thus far)? And, aside from that, I don't think there have been many widely-held misconceptions -- though there have definitely been different responses to certain things than I expected (like, more than one person saw Reconstitution as a bit of a downer and that was...the exact opposite of my intent with that story...but we all bring our own experiences to the stories we read, so I'm not going to say their reading is wrong per se, just that I intended for the ending of that rather melancholy fic to have a hopeful slant to it, even in the midst of life's imperfections).

Oh! Actually, I though of another one: there are moments in Purpose of Heritage specifically where Leia's straight-up wrong. Like, she is our heroine, our main character, our beloved space princes, but she's also 19/20/21 years old and traumatized and very specifically not dealing with said trauma in healthy ways at least 50% of the time (her eschewing therapy repeatedly is not supposed to be viewed as a super-great alternative to, you know, going to therapy), and there have been moments that people have clocked as Leia being a badass -- and they aren't wrong -- but I also see them as Leia's cool, together facade cracking in a way that isn't good technically.

Like, we love Leia, so the scene at the shooting range where she uses Varner Coy's blaster to shoot a line of bullseyes does feel badass and empowering and a little cathartic because that guy has been a jerk, but it's also Leia losing her cool entirely and giving into an impulsivity that I don't see as a good thing for someone in leadership to do. I didn't stick immediate consequences in there because I'm not writing an after-school special, but...just because Leia doesn't always have negative consequences for a thing doesn't mean that I included it with the intent that it was supposed to be seen as totally awesome, full-stop. Sometimes it's partially awesome, and partially a big red flag. And maybe I should be more obvious about this; I don't know. I just am not writing a morality tale exactly, so I don't want to steer the narrative into an area that makes it feel clunky or preachy.

17. For normal-length things like one-shots or Collateral, a multichapter with chapters that are a sane length (4K-6K words): I write the thing, I read the thing and edit as I read. I may or may not edit while I write; it depends on how long it is, how long it takes me to write, if any parts are giving me issues. (Like, if I get really, really stuck, I'll start on a fresh document and copy/paste different sentences and paragraphs until I can get back into a good rhythm, and in the midst of all of that, editing happens as well). I basically read and edit things several times until I'm either 1. Entirely happy with it (rare) or 2. Tired of looking at it and no longer debating about changing anything (more common).

For Purpose of Heritage, I did an unhinged and probably short-sighted thing where I wrote what was originally two chapters, decided I preferred them together, and combined them, setting a precedent for myself to write chapters that are 8K-10K words long (and that is legitimately where I've felt each chapter has a natural stopping point -- like, I'm not padding stuff to get to a certain word count. Most of the chapters, I suppose, could be split in half, but we're so far beyond that at this point, I'm just resigned to writing giant-ass chapters until this project is complete). I used to reread everything every time I set out to write a new chapter to try to ensure I didn't go off-the-rails tonally, but when that became too cumbersome, I think you were the one that mentioned having your phone read what you'd written aloud, and I use that not just to review past chapters, but also to edit (so, thank you for that suggestion if that was you, DP!). It helps me identify clunky wording and sometimes straight-up inconsistencies.

So, I usually write and edit as I write, then reread the whole chapter and edit, have my phone read it and mentally dogear what needs to be looked at and edit those pieces when I can, and then read it another time and occasionally have a beta reader (thanks for the times you've helped with this, by the way!) assure me that I haven't gone off the rails entirely if I keep worrying about one particular aspect, edit again with any beta reader suggestions in mind, and finally publish when I'm either as pleased as I'm going to be with it or I can't bring myself to read it again. I do usually try to make sure there is at least a night where I ignore the chapter entirely before doing one final editing pass-through before I post. Giving my brain a chance to not think about it helps me catch errors I missed on earlier read-throughs, and also usually helps me realize that I haven't, in fact, written a pile of garbage.

Thanks for the questions! Sorry these answers are so dang long!

fanfic writer asks

[tanoraqui]

1, 4, 15, 18, 26, and 27!

[ask meme]

What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year? How did it turn out and would you do it again?

And What Came Next is barely a "fic" - there is no plot arc and maybe 5% of a character arc. It's just some scenes of varying degrees of completeness connected by what's basically just written-out headcanon, mostly fluffy, post-"canon" for my Silmarillion OC Celechwes and her family, including OC children. It's the sort of thing that usually just lives in my head and in random chats with friends. But so many people have been so eagerly supportive of Celechwes and her story, and I've been trying to lean into AO3 as an archive not just for truly polished fanworks but all fannish creations I want to save - with the guideline that if I would want to read this stuff from someone else, the collected headcanons and bullet-point fics, shouldn't I share my own? So I posted it and lo, people liked it! They exclaimed excitedly in the comments!

Moral of the story: if you're worried that what you're posting is too self-indulgent and incomplete, it's not. There is no such thing. Admittedly it helps that I'd already spent about 65k establishing the relevant characters in a fic that did have plot and character arcs.

4. What piece of media inspired you the most?

Well, obviously I was still on this Silmarillion kick for most of the year... (It's fading now, but I have some really good WIPs that I'm determined to finish.)

Ooh but my favorite new books of the year were the Heartstrikers series by Rachel Aaron! Urban fantasy ft. internecine draconic family politics, vengeful nature spirits and genii locorum, aggressively offered and maintained friendship as a problem-solving method, manipulative seers as another problem-solving method, ghost cats (and armies of undead) as yet a third option, a couple apocalypses, pest control, compelling characters with opposing agendas and vivid worldbuilding and all that good stuff! I want to reread them and then maybe write a next-gen story.

15. Rec a fic you wrote or posted in 2023

My favorite little thing I wrote is this of Maedhros returning to what once was Himring.

18. What was the hardest fic to title?

Oh, god. "And What Comes Next" is so hopelessly generic, which I guess is appropriate given its content. I'm not really satisfied with "The Struggle of Squeamishness" (S&D Tier). "Magic Traps" was hard specifically because the whole Kate Daniels series has titles in this very specific form - Magic Binds, Magic Bleeds, Magic Triumphs, etc - and I wanted to follow it, but all the best words were already used.

26. If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year?

I worked really hard and for nearly a year, in bits and pieces, on The Minstrel and the Star, trying to capture this very messily nuanced but intense relationship, including an air of worship that I really don't normally go in for, and I'm still not sure I managed to express it exactly as I envision it... But one reviewer described it as "Numinous as well as luminous", which is so exactly what I intended that I must have done something right.

27. Did you do anything special to celebrate finishing a fic?

Er, usually I go to bed. Bedtime is the #1 effective deadline for me to grit my teeth and figure out how to write the last few lines of any given fic. Write sleep-deprived, edit sober, as they say.

[peyton-warren]

My favorite fic of yours Although I fell in l've with your writing with "The Hidden Sun" this has to be "Blinded By The Fog" I just love all the characters so much!

My favorite chapter in my favorite fic of yours Chapter 4 of Blinded By The Fog. I re-read this so many times. Always finding all these little scenes that melt my heart. And then that last little words “Ni-night, baby.”  It always breaks me and I'm sobbing like a baby 😭

A fic I haven't read yet from you, but I want to Stick handling series. It's sitting in my drafts for a long time and I swear I will get to it, promised

What made me the most emotional after reading

Already mentioned it, but it is just so, so heartbreaking!

“Ni-night, baby.” 

What I like the most about your writing

Your characters are so full of life, they have their own personality, their flaws, they are loveable. Also, you get emotions out of me with your work, it's just wonderful!

A fic i'm excited for you updating/posting

Well, it's no secret that I hope to see an update on Blinded By The Fog...

Something I wish/hope you write

Anything that makes you happy ad comfortable!

If i've ever shared/talked about your fic to someone else

Yes, I did! Because you need to be praised! You're such a talent!

A fic I didn't expect to like so much

Arresting and arrested - I send you this ask but I didn't think to get THAT! And damn, it was so much better than everything I had expected. This man hanging from the Ceiling is plastered into my mind!

My dear @peyton-warren You have an alley in me and I will always do my best to support you. I know you're having a hard time. Just know that there are people who really love what you create! Because I do! 🥰

Found this in my inbox when i got a new ask tonight. This has been sitting there entirely too long . First of all thank you for your kind words and support. You know how crappy of a day I had today, and how many tears I shed. And this ask brought more tears to my eyes but for good reasons!

Your Favorite Fic of mine: I didn't know you started out with Hidden Sun, I am glad you liked that one. its one of my first here on tumblr and that first chapter holds a special place in my heart. I know how much you love Blinded by the Fog, you are my #1 cheerleader on that one, and I really appreciate as I try to get more of it out.

Your Favorite Chapter of a Fic of Mine: Chapter 4 of Blinded hits me more and more every time I reread it. And once I wrote your ask about the behind the scenes of how Sy was feeling, it is now a whole other level. I didn't intend for him to have so much feeling in that chapter, but man he breaks my heart too.

Something of mine you haven't read yet- I know that one is no longer true because you were able to help me brainstorm Chapter 8!

Whay you like most about my writing: Thank you hon. I honestly just write what the characters tell me to write, and I dont intentionally try to draw out emotions. I do love writing, and I love telling a good story. I am glad it comes across in the writing.

Writing you are looking forward to me writing/posting: It is no surprise at all you want me to post the next chapter of Blinded. And I appreciate your patience as I work through my own stuff as i try to get past this writer's block. And trust me, you will probably be the first person to know I when i finish that chapter.

something you wish I'd write: make me cry why don't you, Nina.

You telling others about my work: I don't think anyone has shared my work as much as you have, ever. I appreciate all of your support, and you telling others about my writing. It means so so much to me, more than you could ever know.

The fic that you were surprised by: I think that fic surprised many people, especially me. your prompt threw that scene in my head and I just wrote it down verbadum as I saw it in my brain. I need to get back to that. Tell the rest of the story that's in my head.

Again, Nina, I just I have no words for your support and how much it means to me. I keep saying thank you, and telling you it means the world to me, but even that does not cover how much you mean to me. Thank you, my friend from the bottom of my heart. You are a such a rare treasure and i value you so. Whether we are talking dogs, hairy titties, or fic, I always love seeing you pop up in my asks, dms and feed. Thank you for being you.