#no guilt. no inadequacy. put to perfect use | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

legendofzoodles · 2 years ago

Text

LU Headcanon (kinda)

Chain’s reactions to Demise’s Curse

Time: He wouldn’t care about it too much. He already would have already been aware of the cyclical Triforce trio reincarnation thing, learning that it was a curse created by Demise was just another kick in the balls of his miserable existence. Learning that Sky could have prevented it is a painful can of worms he’s not going to open.

In any case most of his anger isn’t directed at Sky, who he sees as one of them and there for isn’t worthy of as much blame as some of the others believe, it’s directed at those higher up the divine food chain, the gods and deities of Hyrule. Namely Hylia, who he developed a newfound dislike of thanks to hearing Legend’s stories.

He knows now that she must have failed to stop Demise for that era’s hero to be reincarnated as Sky and now suspects that Zelda is the direct reincarnation of Hylia- or at least one of her reincarnations. He isn’t sure how many there were before Sky and his Zelda. But he knows now that the current cycle started with Sky’s inaction.

Sky and Wild’s argument strike a pretty existential chord with him. The idea of his responsibility validates him spending his life away from home adventuring, but at the same time it traps him. Like he’s just going along with what he’s expected to do. For now he can’t bare to think about it and none of the others are allowed to talk about it while he’s around.

Warriors: Also aware of the cyclical Triforce trio reincarnation thing and therefore the curse is just the icing on the information cake. He’s disappointed that Sky just stood there, but doesn’t blame him as much as others do.

Most of his focus is taken by the sorceresses who gave them the crystal. He wasn’t 100% sure it was even showing the true events until he saw Sky’s reactions.

Twilight: Has for the most part been somewhat ignorant of the cyclical Triforce trio reincarnation thing. Until meeting the chain he was under the impression that Time was the first hero and that he was his successor because they were related by blood, not because of reincarnation.

He’s much more concerned with the other’s feelings before his own because truth be told, he still doesn’t quite understand it all. He’s confused that Sky didn’t make sure Demise was dead and doesn’t bear any ill will towards the deities and gods.

Legend: Is suffering. He’s the one most hurt personally by Sky because they’re such good friends. Although mad that he allowed the curse to happen he’s even more upset that he kept it hidden.

The realisation that Sky is like them in the sense that he’s a reincarnation, but not like them because he came before the curse is a sobering reality. He’s fearful of the idea of there being more before Sky, and the conclusion that they are all the result of Hylia’s need to have others fight in her stead. Like Time he placing most of the anger and blame on the deities and gods.

Wild: Is also suffering. Like Legend is personally hurt by Sky since he’s always internalised his feelings of inadequacy and has coped with Sky’s perceived perfection by wrongly vilifying him. This revelation only served to justify his dislike of Sky while at the same time coming off as a betrayal.

Since he had always felt that Sky looked down on him, and is angered by the fact that he messed up just as bad as he did. But where Wild was shunned by almost everyone, was burdened with a heavy guilt and was forced to basically try again, Sky got to put it all behind him and forget it, all while believing it was a job well done even though he doomed his future incarnations, descendants and Hyrule.

(btw Sky has never looked down on Wild, he respects him greatly he just doesn’t like how he handles the Master sword. Unfortunately Wild has only ever taken Sky’s grievances as vindictive attacks challenging his worthiness rather than the rightful complaints that they are, so he ignores them. Doesn’t help that Time allows Wild to essentially abuse the sword in his careless use of it, due to his own hatred of it. TL;DR, Wild uses the sword like he does all his weapons that being extremely irresponsibly- less like a powerful weapon and more like a tool- Sky hates it but has to put up with it because Time is a filthy enabler)

Vio- concerned with decoding the meaning of the curse. Is somewhat aware of the cyclical Triforce trio reincarnation thing, but that’s mostly due to him gathering information from the veterans

Four: I realised too late into writing the story that Four would surely split up over this. But I didn’t want to add in even more characters and I still don’t fully understand how the colours work. So I had him run into the forest to sort it out privately, only to then be discovered by wolf Twi, who sits with them until they reform. Could do a spin off if people want that, I would like to write the colours.

And as for the colours:

Red- concerned with sky and wild emotionally

Blue- mad at sky, blames him for everything wrong in the timeline

Green- conflicted, questioning their role and responsibilities as the hero

Hyrule: In a similar boat to Twilight in the sense of being ignorant and not really knowing for sure of what’s really going on. More surprised than anything at Sky’s inaction and like Wild doesn’t take too kindly to him refusing to accept his part in letting the curse happen.

Kinda looks to others to form his opinion and waiting for Legend to explain it for him.

Wind: He’d be conflicted and like Hyrule rely on the others reactions to form his opinion. He can’t blame Sky as much as Legend, Blue and Wild, because that would mean blaming Time and his Zelda for the flooding of Hyrule and he’s already at peace with that. He does respect Sky less for standing around while he was being cursed.

Recovered regrets story notes

Recovered Regrets story

The rest of this post is just the notes I made while writing a story, exploring that prompt. These probably don’t make any sense but hey-ho here they are:

To be honest when I first wrote suggested that, I was daydreaming a scenario where the chain are watching it separated in their individual eras and a few members are screaming at the screen for Sky to do something. This’ll be a tad different.

It’s hard writing conflicts because you need to escalate the fight to create tension and compelling drama, but you then need to find a way to bring it back down again.

If I’m to assume Sky tried to stop Demise it would paint him in a more sympathetic light (even though he ends up forgetting about it) and make the fic more angsty, but would ultimately bring the chain closer together and bring Sky closure. If not...it’s going to be painful. This is why I briefly rewrote the ending to Skyward Sword, because going off of the canon ending would break the chain in a way they’d never be able to recover from- at least that’s what I thought at first

Concept: Breaking the chain

Those who won’t forgive sky: Time (adds to his sucky world view, says Sky is no hero), Wild (felt like Sky looked down on him) and Legend (more of a betrayal thing, plus he hates Hylia)

Those who might: Warrior (puts most of the blame on cia, can see ganon as a puppet of demise’s will), Four (he’s got Vaati. but ganon was in four swords adventures I think, so he’s in the know), Wind (more angry at the fact that his boat dad is gone due to Ganon, and he hurt Tetra. not so much the world, it’s been that way for a while and the people are vibing now. sees Ganon more as his own person than a reincarnating entity like Twilight and Hyrule)

Those on the fence: Hyrule (he’ll be quiet, idk what his deal is yet), Twilight (world is in ruins due to gerudo-hylian war. thinks of moment midna’s hat was crushed by Ganondorf)

things to consider: they don’t know the truth of the curse, everyone has a unique reaction and perspective

inspiration: aot camp scene where jean beats the shit outta reiner. It doesn’t get properly resolved until morning, but the groundwork for that resolution was laid down the night prior

I want one of them to run into the woods, and for Time to end the fighting by shattering the screen

context: Four brought up the whole thing to wonder if it would get them closer towards figuring out how to get back and the reason they were all brought together. this isn’t what he wanted.

Woo!! an excuse to bring Lana and Cia into LU let’s goo

“We’ve been wasting our lives cleaning up the mess you created.” -Legend’s line

“You could have acted but you chose not to. You were able to easily put it out of your mind, not remembering even when Legend spelled it out for us months ago. And now you’re pretending that” - Wild’s line

the moment Sky doesn’t want to see any more the vision freezes, hence why it pauses on that iconic shot of Demise pointing at the camera. No one but Four picks up on this, but he runs off into the woods to split rather than stick around for the fight

They can call each other by their hero titles, i.e. Warriors, Hyrule, Legend etc. because by now they’d all know theirs, even Time. Plus it makes things easier

It’s been more than a month since sunset comic, so they all know about wolfie

The ending was going to be really sad, with everyone splitting into groups and going their separate ways, but that doesn’t make for a satisfying ending- and this is just a oneshot

Sky heard Wild’s parry comment at the very start, and made sure to parry all of his attacks when they fight rather than dodge them once he’s armed

Gotta reference what everyone’s doing in the background even if they’re not the focus or the reader will lose track

Wild is the main focus, the reader gets his internal monologues for most of the story, everyone else communicates how they feel and what they think through actions and dialogue

lasting emotional damage on both sides

Wild didn’t mean to slash Sky’s face, it was an accident. When Sky reached for the Master sword and it burned his hand, it made him sloppy when moving out of the way, and Wild didn’t pull back quick enough. It’s a good thing Wild didn’t notice Sky reach for the Master Sword, otherwise he would’ve been overcome with anger and wouldn’t have held back, leading to him slice off half Sky’s ear too. Warriors was the only one who noticed, so he can choose to reveal that whenever he wants in the future. If at all

At first I wanted Sky to actually be allowed by Fi to draw the blade against Wild, but I couldn’t justify that without breaking the established rules

Oh I could literally do 8 more different versions of this from each person’s perspective

#linked universe #lu #linked universe fanfiction #lu fanfiction #lu fanfic #linked universe fanfic #lu headcanons #lu angst #my brain is mush now #lu fic

44 notes · View notes

trulyhumblenarcissist · 4 years ago

Text

Abourt Rei Himura and BNHA Chapter 301

Now that I've read the official release of chapter 301 I can finally try to gather my thoughts. I think this time the particular rendition of dialogues and inflections provided by Caleb Cook is more crisp and clear than usual, especially in throwing "shade" upon Endeavor as a father figure. But let's do things in order...

Title: THE WRONG WAY TO PUT OUT A FIRE - a simple, but stark message that doesn't leave space for ambiguity. There was a fire, an imminent tragedy that could and should have been avoided, but whoever tried to fix it, did it all wrong and now we have to deal with a huge arson.

CARLESS HANDLING OF FIRE, on the other hand, doesn't quite cut it for me, because it seems like everything was caused by a foolish mistake. "I was carless and now I'm in a pinch"- type of situation, while it's perfectly clear that Endeavor and Rei decided purposefully which "strategy" to use with Touya. A BAD one to say it lightly. Rei's contribution and complicity is debatable, of course, and I'll touch on this later.

Let me get this clear though: I'm not trying in any way to critique the hard work of unofficial translators. I can't say anything relevant because I'm not a translator in the first place (I can barely understand English and my native language on a good day) and also because I am so grateful for everything they do in order to give us really good material FREE OF CHARGE basically a second after the release in Japan. I'm just interested about the different shades of subtext we can catch if we read the story through multiple filters. Every translation is unique because it carries the personal spin of the author even if the bias should be inexistent or ideally undetectable...

However, back to the chapter

REI'S CAGE

The first scene opens on a luxurious classic Japanese villa, with Enji, Rei and her parents discussing the motivation behind Enji's proposal. Or at least we initially think that's what's going on... Because in reality Rei's family couldn't care less about the motivation. Everything these people see is a wealthy, famous guy the next number one hero ready to take their daughter in marriage. I guess the Himuras are pretty broke, thight on cash, their old prestige is definitely gone and all they can do to save themselves from shame and poverty is "to sell" their only remaining asset.

During the whole ordeal, Rei is standing still, silent, cold as ice. She knows she doesn't really have a choice. How mortifying and sad is this? An adult, capable woman has no agency whatsoever, she is used again and again and she stoically accepts this treatment from every single dominant figure in her life until she can't be stoic anymore. I really hope Horikoshi's going to give her a much more proactive role in saving her family and it seems the narrative wants us to expect this type of character development.

I'd like to point out 2 panels in particular:

First one

In this scene the Todorokis are back from their trip to the doc, who clearly said they shouldn't try to conceive a child with a perfect quirk mix because it is dangerous (and morally questionable too). Rei understands this fact and tries to dissuade Enji, but he doesn't listen, because he's projecting all his pent-up resentment and frustration onto Touya. He knows how it feels to crush against an unbreakable wall, since he can't surpass All might and his son can't too. He had to learn this truth the hard way, so Touya needs to do the same. Enji is purposefully throwing upon his son years of failures, self consciousness and despair, just because the boy has to get it into his thick skull that he is a dud, just like his father. This is not a hopeless dad making a mistake bona fide, this is a broken man trying to destroy his self reflection by proxy, annihilating everything Touya is, swiping the kid's identity under the rug. He describes his son's dreams and sadness as something birthed from stubbornness. He is auto-convincing himself however (because Endeavor is not stupid). A little bit later he's basically saying: "Touya let's play make believe! We can go on like everything I had engulfed in your psyche never existed, you're a failed attempt so you don't exist. Your needs and wants are silly and useless, nothing worth dealing with now that I can't make you my prodigy. Why don't you go play with the other failures so that I don't have to look at myself while taking actually care of you. I don't want to see you, because it's too painful, because you're a remainder of my own inadequacy."

Note: If you want to read an incredibly well done analysis about Endeavor's motives and psyche, you can get it on @thyandrawrites , she's dwelt on everything extensively and way better than me.

I really want to talk about Rei though. In the panel I showed above, her expression is a bit tricky to analyse. At first she is very vocal about her position. She doesn't want to put Touya through useless suffering, especially since they have a scientific reason not to. They have no guarantee of success with other children, besides, they could possibly have to deal with other health related issues. However, all it takes to convince her in the end is Enji's half assed attempt at the "It's for Touya's sake" shtick. Is it really? Why doesn't she question her husband anymore?

Well... I think before Natsuo, she was probably hoping Touya would let go "naturally", with time and growth, maybe by taking interest in his other siblings. Rei said she wanted to have more children because in her mind they would have supported and loved each other. Maybe she was naive enough to think that a big family full of kids few years apart from each other was all Touya needed to distract himself from his purposes... BUT and here is the point I want to get across: She was deluding herself too, much like Enji. The ugly truth, in my opinion, is that Rei is a person prone to protect herself by going with everything other people want, especially if said people are capable of hurting her. Yes, she was hurt time and time again, but what would have happened if she really tried to stop Enji?

What I am trying to say is that Rei is the kind of person who endures to survive. She holds a "captive" mentality in which, by indulging her captor's desires, she can continue living with less possibile damage. If I stay still and silent, if I don't make a scene, I can go on, I can hold onto the few things I have that actually make me happy.

Let's think about it... Enji was so obsessed with his psychotic, power-hungry quest that he would have probably disown Rei. She would have been thrown away for a more compliant woman with an ice quirk, or something similar, this resulting in her probably losing everything, the respect and love of her family (the Himuras) and also her own children. Because we know Endeavor can definitely hold a grudge and is vendicative.

So, clarifying, Rei doesn't put up a fight because she is scared for herself in a way... She is scared to be hurt in the worst possible way (by losing her little bit of serenity), so her strategy is to endure and to keep up a facade of control and purpose.

Rei, ironically just like Touya and other characters in mha, doesn't really get what unconditional love is. Her family loves her until she can be useful to the Himura name and status, her husband loves her for her quirk. Her children, however, love her for who she is and she wants to stay with them... Only to be forced to leave them later anyway.

The few times Rei actually smiles are when she is with her babies. She is a deeply loving mother in her core, but her declining mental health makes her a very lacking caregiver.

This panel, in my opinion, shows the point of no return for Rei. She can't keep the glacial facade forever...

After Natsuo's turn to be deemed a failure, Endeavor is crazier than ever, because All Might is as popular and loved as ever and he hasn't make any progress into his eugenetic games. The last two images of Rei are very telling. She is exhausted, but she knows what her husband wants from her this time too. She looks like a lifeless doll and honestly I can easily see Shouto's conception as... Non consensual and I will stop here.

Then Shouto is born, the last, perfect specimen... And Rei isn't doing much for Touya, we can see she's apparently blind towards her eldest son's distress already after Natsuo's birth... But why?

Because she is actively avoiding to face the Touya's problems too.

If Touya is still suffering, is still feeling stressed and worthless, then everything Rei has endured, everything she pretended not to feel for the sake of her family has been completely useless. What Rei cannot look at is her own parental failure, is the concrete proof that while protecting herself and her peace she did not protect her children too, because the two interests were never really aligned, even if she really believed so. She never had a functional family to preserve in the first place and everything she accepted to do was all for the sake of a false sense of belonging.

However is too easy to say she should've rebelled against Enji and dumped his sorry ass. Abuse traps you and your abuser too in a cage tricky to escape.

What I imagine will happen next chapter is one of two things:

Enji stops Touya by using brute force, probably also saying something really scarring to reinforce the notion that Shouto is the only child he cares about.

Rei stops Touya by using her quirk. This act could be considered by Touya another confirmation that even his mother actually does something by her own accord only when Shouto's safety is at risk

Necessary conclusions

I don't blame Rei for her actions too much. She is a victim turned abuser by circumstances, but more importantly she's actually taken mesures to prevent herself from hurting her children again. She's trying to heal for her family's sake, really this time. Ten years spent dealing with guilt and having actual therapy seem a good plan to me. And now she's the one ready to snap Enji back to reality.

Enji, on the other hand, is trying too. It's too little too late, but if he stops avoiding reality and hardly works on understanding his family's point of view I don't think he is completely unredeemable. I don't see him surviving his last confrontation with Touya, thought... But I could be totally wrong.

Obviously everything I've said it's my personal analysis on Rei's character, as I interpret her actions and words, so feel free to contradict me and/or to add anything you might see fit.

#bnha301 #bnha meta #mha #my hero academia #todoroki enji #endevor #todoroki rei #rei himura #todoroki family #tw abuse

189 notes · View notes

wordynerdygurl · 4 years ago

Text

Skin Deep - Part 6

Author’s Note: Honestly, this story is nearing it’s ending. Hard to believe that a little idea I couldn’t shake has now grown into this mini-series! For all my die-hard homies, waiting for the next installment, I hope this is worth your while! If you’re new here, take a look around, see if you like anything and please, let the management know if you have any questions!! As always, writing like this requires the emotional support of people and pets. My dogs, Murphy and Winston, get me through a lot of plot bunnies just by being stalwart companions. My husband, graciously, lets me take these flights of fancy when I probably should be paying better attention to him and his day... and some of my besties here on Tumblr make it possible for me to do this for you guys. @sammy-jo1977 , my sister from another mister! Couldn’t/ Wouldn’t do it without you! To all the folks who follow me... My Minxes! Love you all! Stay well, be kind, and remember that Love, really does conquer all! If you want to be a Minx, send me a note, I’ll happily add you to my tag list! Lastly, be sure to like and share anything that you see on Tumblr that catches your eye. Creative types, we need the constant validation, you see? Without it, like an unwatered plant, we wither on the vine and perish! Be kind to those who help you through the day and reblog! Skin Deep Part 5 - click here for the previous chapter! Pairing: Loki x Reader, Steve, Valkyrie & Thor all make appearances Summary: Continued from Part 5, You and Loki put your plan into action, returning to Farmhouse. When you encounter Steve again, you learn there’s more than two sides to this story. Warnings: Loki’s POV and perspective, including mentions of his time under Thanos. I’m re-writing MCU history here, but some of the main beats are the same, so look out for SPOILERS for Dark World, Ragnarok, and a touch of Infinity War. The SNAP never happened because, reasons.

Empathy used to seem such a human emotion. Loki had no time for that on Asgard, not when Odin denied anything as frivolous as feeling. Hiding in plain sight was the means to survival and if that made the young prince sneaky and sly, so be it. By placing those parts of himself under lock and key; the parts that hurt, the ones that ached, Loki found it was safer to disconnect from others than subject himself to their suffering too.

Operating under the influence of Thanos and his minions when he held the scepter, Loki had purposefully divorced connection of any kind from his mind. It was dangerous. Weak. And moreover, it allowed Loki to do what Thanos commanded without really experiencing the horror, the havoc, of his actions for himself.

Who could hear the screams of women when the voice of Ebony Maw subliminally chanted all the ways that one could be dismembered at Thanos’ hands should Loki fail? What man would shed a tear after the near constant beatings doled out by Black Order members, just for the fun of it? How could someone care about a house, a car, a city, when they no longer cared about themself? Losing the Battle for New York had consequences far beyond the destruction of property. With Thanos’ hold over him vanquished, the walls around his heart, constructed in youth, crashed and burned like the dream of ruling Earth. Suddenly and completely out of reserves, Loki was powerless. And he felt everything. The fresh hurts caused by his manipulated ambitions in the hands of Thanos. The furious feelings of his brother, the inadequacies of his character, the feeble needs that drove his wild ambition washed over him unceasingly. Anger. Loss. Lunacy. Loki learned a hard truth in that moment. He was a monster. A freak. A creature beyond hope and salvation; proving his adoptive father right and his own hopeful heart wrong. Bitterness soured the fallen prince. Endless hours in isolation on Earth, which continued in his father's house, had Loki believing he had no chance of seeing the world outside again, and it hardened his heart further. To feel was so painful, so raw, and so humane. Why bother anyway? All that emoting, those high spirits, all they really did was expose you to derision. What was grief to a goblin? What was horror to a monster? What was love to a villain like him? An evil, conspiring demi-god, with a mind bent toward domination. A damaged, destroyed, deity alone and in pieces. Who would ever give someone like Loki Odinson a chance? Why should they?

Turning to his mother, Loki did everything but ask for forgiveness. In long rambling talks, her projection to his jailed person, the pair talked around ideas of guilt and innocence, of fate and fortune, of destiny versus desire, yet Loki never heard the words he needed in order to truly find peace.

If Frigga was aware of her son’s need for absolution, Loki would never know, as their last exchange was harsh and full of anger. Another stroke of loss, crippling now, because there was nothing Loki could do to change any of it from inside his prison cell. No illusion could conceal the painful ache that consumed him entirely.

Those days were dark, even for a soul as dusky hued as his own, and Loki’s thoughts followed a similar path. If there had been a way for him to shake off this immortal coil, free himself of the burden of living, Loki would have done so and been glad. Death was welcome compared to all this longing and heartache. But life, even a nearly immortal one, was funny.

When Thor provided a chance at redemption, Loki snatched at it, in his own detached way. He played hero, rescuing Jane, aiding his brother. And if he took a bit more in the form of deposing his arrogant, aging father, who would be surprised? He was Loki, God of Mischief, after all. Ruling the Nine Realms without the oppressive oversight of his father allowed Loki to prove himself in ways he never imagined. And Loki wasn’t just good at it. He was great. Of course, it helped that no one knew he was Loki. Living disguised as Odin was often unpleasant, frequently frustrating, but entirely necessary. Being Loki was still too difficult and likely to bring unwanted attention in the form of The God of Thunder, a thing that no one truly wanted, Loki least of all. Return Thor did, along with an unknown sister and the end of Asgard. When confronted with the insanity of Hela’s bloodlust, Loki’s only thought was of his kingdom, now without a ruler. He had worked too hard, too long, to see the land he cared for in the hands of an enemy, even if she called herself sister. Opening the Bi-Frost, panicked, his mind was solely on saving those he had recently held dominion over. They were his people, after all. But he never reached Asgard. Swallowing his fear, Loki focused all his energy on staying alive in a new and distracting environment, initially. What Loki found on Sakaar wasn't a new home base under a flamboyant, ineffective leader that he could control, even if that was his first design. On Sakaar Loki found his loyalty.

The proud, deep resonance of being Asgardian, of being an Odinson, of being capable and cool under pressure. Sure, he had to prove himself to Thor, Valkyrie, Banner and honestly, the rest of the kingdom, but actions speak louder than words. And through his actions on Sakkar, and by extension rescuing the people of Asgard, Loki had shown everybody his true mettle. It was on the deck of a stolen ship headed for Midgard that Loki had made a commitment of sorts. One that was not to the people, so recently saved or for his found family. This time, the promise Loki intended to keep was for himself. Loki was going to change. The problem is, a task like that takes time. Patience. Motivation. It was something that Loki had to work at and it was exhausting. They say that the best things come to those who wait. Loki was learning to wait everyday. Having earned a place at the side of his brother, he worked tirelessly to win over the heroes of his new home planet. Was it easy? Hardly, but Loki wasn’t willing to compromise. Not anymore. A life like Hela’s was not in his runes. Loki was simply going to be better. Not perfect. No one could be as good hearted as Captain America, nor could one be as tech savvy as Stark. So Loki was planning on being the best Loki he could possibly be, and that’s how he found himself going to meetings at The Avengers Tower, a mostly welcome addition to the team. Meetings weren’t all that exciting and boredom was an awful temptation for a deity devoted to mayhem. In fact, Loki spent more time doodling in his notebook than listening to whoever was droning on about whatever part of the world needed the attention of this motley crew. That was, until Pepper Potts hired her new assistant. That you were polite, pretty and pert wasn’t lost on the young god. Sitting outside Mrs. Iron Man’s office, typing away with a phone tucked under your ear, moving faster than anyone he had ever seen was certainly impressive. You were quick witted, clever and most of all, funny. Everyone else seemed to fall under your spell without much effort on your part, something that Loki found frustratingly fascinating. Here he was, struggling to get people to say his name without having a traumatic flashback, while you simply smiled and smarted off prettily, and had everyone singing your praises. But Norns, were you adorable. If he thought about it, and while off planet, Loki definitely had, he could remember the moment he realized that you were the woman he wanted. You were busy, as always, fielding phone calls and flipping through screens yet every moment your flying fingers weren’t hovering over a keyboard or pushing down telephone buttons they curled around a heart shaped charm at your throat. Clearly, it was a habit and one that you weren’t even aware of, still - it transfixed him all the same. Watching you from his side eye, your voice never wavering, your tone always so pleasing, and your nimble digits returning again and again to the small sigil around your neck. “Loki?” “Huh?” Dumbfounded at your call, those deep sea eyes blinked wildly at the sound of his name on your lips. “Hi! Yes, Pepper can see you now. Go ahead, she’s ready!” He rose on stiff legs, adjusting his tie, about to lie to Tony Stark’s woman all for the chance to see you in passing. Who had he become? It started out innocent like that, but soon, Loki was having to invent excuses for being in the office so frequently. Missing files, random visits, even going so far as to buy Tony coffee just for the thrill of seeing you. Something needed to change, and quickly, or Loki was going to blow. On another made up errand, hanging around the executive’s high rise office, Loki was doing a bad job of pretending not to see you. His mind was on your pouty lips as you sipped lemonade through a straw and not on the stately woman seated behind the desk.

“Loki, you’re a man of some… style.” Pepper said it so casually that he almost didn’t hear, his head lost in thoughts that would shame any other person. “I like to think so.”

Shutting her folder with a snap, Pepper smiled, “And you’d love to help your old friend Pepper out, right?” That got his attention, and quickly. Loki, shoving his hands in his pockets, turned to face Pepper with a widening grin, “I feel like I’m being baited.”

“Baited? Never! It’s just, you’re always here and I have a… project that needs the kind of help that you can provide.” At those words you entered the office, ready for action with a notebook and pen, eager and excited. Suddenly, it was all clear to Loki, “Pepper, no.”

The noose closed in on the handsome god as Pepper gathered paperwork without looking his way, “Come on, it’s the Stark Homecoming Gala and the two of you will do great! I have faith in you both. I can’t wait to see what you come up with!” “Really, Miss Potts, I simply can’t-” Stopping short, the strawberry blonde whipped around, almost nose to nose with Loki. Shrewd and straightforward, Pepper interrupted, saying, “You’ve been dancing around my office for weeks now. Clearly you like her and… against all the odds, she likes you too. I’m doing you a favor and when someone does you a favor, you say “Thank You”.” “Thank you.” Nodding curtly, “You’re welcome. Now, make yourselves comfortable, order some dinner, my treat. And do whatever you need to make sure this is one great party!” That’s how Loki found himself sitting at a clear glass table over sweating bottles of iced tea as you discussed color themes and tablecloths. You were shy, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as you reviewed notes from previous gatherings both large and small. His hands itched with wanting to do that job himself. “So, what do you think?” It was the first time you had addressed him directly since coming through the door and for a moment Loki couldn’t answer. You were too… not beautiful, that wasn’t the right word, although you were. No, you were too open, too easy to read, and the earnestness you offered him was downright frightening. Sitting forward in the uncomfortable, yet fashionable, office furniture, Loki cleared his throat and again tugged his tie, “What I think is that you should let me take you dinner.” Dropping your eyes, your cheeks colored slightly as your fingers found that locket charm once more, “Loki, I… I don’t know-” Grabbing for your hand, suddenly afraid that you would take those shining eyes away, Loki lowered his voice and did something he never thought he would. He begged. “Please? I find that you’re all I can think about.” It rushed out of him in a torrent, the way truth so often does, and he found himself unable to look you in the eye. Loki was afraid to see rejection on your easy to read face, afraid that wanting you had cracked open the lock box holding his heart, afraid that you would see just how weak you made him. Your fingers twined with his own as you replied, “You didn’t let me finish. I don’t know what took you so long.” Sighing with relief, his face melting into a genuine smile, “Me either.” Over the next two months the pair of you worked tirelessly to plan and execute a perfect party. You were inseparable during the day, heads buried together as you discussed linens and table settings, the quality of cocktail glasses, and debating over a band or a dj. But at night, at night Loki talked about the things that haunted him in the dark. And you loved him in spite of the awful things he had seen and done and said. Others took notice. Loki was more lighthearted, more available. He listened when people spoke and wasn’t constantly doodling during meetings. Yes, Loki was learning how to love through your loving him. If empathy had seemed too humane before, then sharing his life, his love with you, was the kind of immortality that earned someone a place in Valhalla. It was the bravest thing Loki Odinson had ever done and he didn’t mind one bit.

The first time Loki tasted you was burned into his brain, as bright as a flash of lightning. A firefly in a memory jar that he kept returning to, time and again. Loki remembered what you were wearing. He recalled exactly how the light shone in your eyes. If he concentrated, he could tap out the rhythm of your racing pulse as he held you in his arms. It was the night of the gala. Inviting everyone under the Stark Industries banner, up to and including the heroes tasked with saving the world, the event was a way to earn money for one of the many charities Tony supported. The place was full of beautiful people wearing gorgeous clothes under perfect lights set to the hand crafted soundtrack you had created together.

But, Norns, he could still remember the way your eyes sparkled under the lowlights of that hall. How your dress, simple but sophisticated, clung to the fullness of your bottom. Low cut but somehow still modest, Loki couldn’t tear his gaze away from the promise of your curves, willing himself to find anything else as interesting as the idea of you.

You were across the room hanging onto Tony’s every word, eyes bright and cheerfully glowing as you sipped champagne. It made Loki want to do something grand, something suave, something that would demand your attention for his own. Moving towards you, his tuxedo perfectly pressed and fitting better than it had any right to, Loki looked long and lean. Each of his steps seemed to echo, even though the room was full of sound, and you turned your head as if you also heard. Breaking away from the cluster of acolytes surrounding Iron Man, you bit into your lip as the crowd parted, moving closer together one step at a time. It was one of the sexiest things Loki had ever witnessed. Lifting your glass in a toast, taking in the room of mingling millionaires, wealthy hangers on and Avengers, “Well, we did it!” “You did it, my dove, I just hung around and judged everyone.” “Oh stop. I couldn’t have done it without you and you know it.” Playfully you pushed against his shoulder and Loki took advantage, using your momentum to pull you to his side, your curvy figure flush against his own. Crooning into the shell of your ear, his lips brushing over that sensitive skin, “Somehow, love, I think you would have managed.” Before you had time to think, Loki had melded his mouth with your own, stealing your breath along with your heart. Loki’s feet moved in time with the music as he pulled into a dance, laughing in his arms, your cheeks hot and your head swimming. You laughing was, without question, Loki’s favorite sound. Nothing in this world or any other came close to matching the joyful, childlike glee of that enchanting noise. Loki memorized its melody, the rise and fall of your giggle. He had craved it, being away for so long, and now he wanted… no, needed to hear it. But you were the furthest thing from happy at the moment.

"Darling, please. We have to go." Loki tapped his watch, shaking himself free from the memories of your previous life together and barely suppressing his irritation.

Tears filled your eyes as you whipped your arms around Thor’s mighty shoulders, his deep voice grumbly with emotion, "Take care of him, would you? He's a jerk, but Loki is the only brother I have."

"Of course… always. And Valkyrie, your highness, I can’t thank you enough for-"

"No need. Loki, and by extension yourself, will always have a safe haven here in my palace."

Looking on, Loki and Thor embraced almost tenderly before crashing their heads together.

"Stay safe, little brother."

"Be good, Thor."

Eyes on the sky, Val ignored the show of masculine emotion, chastising your plan, "You’re going to start a war, Loki."

Straight backed, Loki turned to the king, "Not on the grass of New Asgard. I will take the fight to them, that is my vow to you."

As Loki offered his hand, Valkyrie shook it, with parting words, "Work on staying alive. You have a tendency to worry your brother."

Solemnly nodding, "As the king commands. Shall we?" With that Loki laced his fingers with yours, leading you a few paces away from the people who loved him most, before summoning the magic that had you both transcending space and time.

This time when your feet touched down it was on the familiar turf of the orchard, surrounded by the scent of apple blossoms and the buzzing of happy bees. Morning had broken and the world seemed full of promise, with the exception of that knot in your stomach.

"Are you ready? Darling?"

"Oh… yes. I mean, I still don't love this plan, but-"

"But it's going to work." Only it was no longer the baritone voice of your long, lean Loki speaking. In his place stood Nick Fury, leather duster and eye patch in place.

"If you say so!" And you clutched your own throat as Natasha’s bored tones came out of your mouth. The suit, skin tight but flexible, molded to your modified form. All in all, you were comfortable, "The boots are a bit much."

"Ya think? This jacket weighs a ton." Pulling at his collar, "Why does he wear a turtleneck anyway?"

"Loki, this is so weird. It feels so weird."

"Agreed, but then, why am I so turned on?"

Laughing, you shook your false red hair, hands resting on Natasha’s waist, "God, I've missed you."

"Same, dearest. Now… let's get your necklace and some answers!"

---

Convincing Bucky to head home had taken a lot of work, but sometime around 2 am Steve had finally seen his friend off. The house was empty. Steve felt the same way.

Turning the black velvet box in his pocket, fingers crushed against the fragile fabric, Steve struggled to feel anger. When that didn't materialize he shot for sadness but even tears seemed beyond his ability.

With a sigh, climbing the same stairs he had trudged up a hundred times before, Steve started going through the motions of bedtime. Only tonight you weren’t there to tease him about the wildly inappropriate amount of toothpaste on his brush. He didn’t have your light footsteps to follow to the bedside or your help with stacking all of your extra, yet entirely essential, pillows on the chair.

Someone must have changed the sheets, he thought. There was no evidence of you and Loki’s adventurous afternoon anymore. Steve made a mental note to thank Buck for that little piece of kindness in the morning.

Shucking his shirt, Steve sat on the mattress, a hand to his forehead. He had lost. Captain America had been bested. Beaten. And by Loki, no less.

Moonlight in silver slivers shone through the window panes, squares of light in the deep of night. Steve was alone. Utterly and totally alone.

And there was no one to blame but himself.

Sighing hard, Steve stood, pacing the floor to work off some of the unspendable anxiety he kept creating. The room still had your energy, your vibe, as you liked to call it, and the feeling was a prickling itch Steve couldn’t quite satisfy. Traces of you were everywhere and something about you leaving all of it, and him, behind was just too big to process. “Damn it.” Even whispering sounded like thunder in the silence of your recently vacated room. His hands, so big, so strong, smoothed along the fabric of your hanging clothes. All that power had done nothing to help Steve get the thing he wanted. Sorting through the baubles and trinkets on your dresser, bottles of perfume he had purchased, necklaces and pins, each with a moment of memory it hurt him to recall. Your watch ticked away the minutes as he stood, stoic and still, surrounded by the shadow of you. In the orchard the birds were waking, their song filling the air, as morning broke in low golden rays. Abandoning his plan for sleep, Steve watched as the light chased away the dark, casting rainbows on the floor. The sun was reflecting off of your Grandmother’s necklace. A pretty, ancient, carved cameo, heart shaped locket. He recalled his own mother owning one just like it, pictures of loved ones pressed inside, holding them as tight as history would allow. Fisting the filigree chain, winding it around his fingers as if it would somehow undo what he had done, Steve slipped it into his pocket before settling back onto the bed. ----

At the back door to the home you so recently shared with Steve, Loki hung back, “I think this is where we split up. You go find your treasure and me… I’m going to find some answers.” Nodding, Natasha’s signature red hair swinging, you squeezed the hand holding your own. It no longer looked like Loki’s long fingered paw, but that was only a skin deep change. You felt the undeniable essence of him in the press of his fingers against your own. “Be careful.” “That’s no fun, dove.” “Loki-” You hated the way your voice broke as you said it, but there just seemed to be so much at stake and you had already lost him once. Sensing your unspoken concerns, Loki flashed you Nick Fury’s best smile, “I will. I promise.”

“Ten minutes.” “Ten minutes.” You watched the black coated back of your charmed paramour as he opened the shed door, hoping that he’d find something worth knowing in that place out of sight. Inhaling deeply you twisted the doorknob as quietly as possible, letting yourself into what was once your kitchen, “What a mess.” It was impossible not to notice the unwrapped leftovers and empty bottles littering the table. An overturned trash barrel, crumpled beer cans littering the counter, things that Steve, your Steve, would never have tolerated. All evidence that the grand evening he’d envisioned had been thwarted by Loki’s arrival and your collective escape.

You started up the stairs, praising Natasha's footwear for its stealth, when you heard the toilet flush and the unmistakable shuffle of Steve’s feet on the carpet. There was no place to hide on the wide stairwell. It was time to see if Loki's plan was going to work.

Voice blurry, eyes rubbed red and raw, you couldn't deny that Steve looked like shit, “Bucky? That you? You back?” Steve’s voice bounced around the brightening room as morning sunlight filtered through the soft sheers you had picked out for exactly this reason. Panicked, you backed into the railing with an over loud “Oof!” “Nat? What are you doing here? I thought you and Fury were headed to New Asgard?” Suddenly wide awake and wondering, Steve rushed to your costumed side, eager for information. The man in front of you now bore little resemblance to the angry Avenger you had escaped from hours before. This man had hair sticking up in odd angles from near constant finger raking. This man had a hint of a stuffy nose and red rimmed eyes, all indicators that tears had been shed. Now those blue eyes were scrutinizing you closely, full of concern.

“Uh… We... We got intel. Yea, intelligence, that Loki was headed back this way. Turned around… and uh, here we are.” One of those sandy blonde eyebrows lifted, “Natasha?”

Squaring your shoulders, channeling that cool confidence you’d see Black Widow display over and over, “Steve?” Something about your tone of voice convinced him in a way your words couldn’t. He visibly relaxed, those broad shoulders going slack as he asked, “Didn’t make it to Norway, then?"

Nodding a negative, you felt the unfamiliar brush of her red hair at your cheek and had to fight the urge to tuck it away, “No. Loki’s using some sort of transporting power to move them around. Fury suggested I keep an eye out here, in case they come back this way.” “She won’t be back, Nat. There’s nothing for her here.” To you, Steve sounded so sad, so removed, that you had to will yourself not to comfort the giant before you. “That’s not true!” It came out of you forcefully, thoughtlessly, and you saw the shock register on the Captain’s face. “That is, Fury and I… we… have reason to believe that she will come back. They left with nothing, Steve. She’ll need clothes… maybe some shoes… and-” Swallowing hard, you didn’t want to give anything away, “-a necklace from her grandmother.” Steve, patting his pocket, felt the weighted chain and it’s heart shaped locket, “I don’t think-” Stepping up to his bulky form, suddenly aggressive, you started, “Never mind what you think, Captain. We're here for a necklace... the necklace. Our intel suggests that your former flame might return for it and… And, I want it, with me, as a means to subdue her when she arrives." Sounding forceful and official was enough to back Steve down. Just a touch deflated, you watched him shrug, “If that’s what you want, Nat, here-” From his pants he pulled out the shining bauble, a trinket really, but full of sentiment and memory. Sitting in his palm, the tiny heart that held the picture of your grandmother and mother looked so small, almost unreal. Reaching for it with wet eyes, you smiled at Steve as you lifted the charm and chain, “Thank you, Steve. Thank you.” Nodding deeply, that golden head bobbing, “You’re welcome.” The large grandfather clock could be heard ticking throughout the house. The sun was gaining on the day and you, dressed as Natasha stood in silence in front of a somber Steve. For another long beat nothing was said, then, as if sensing a shift in your conversation, Steve flashed your fake Natasha a weak smile, “I could use some breakfast. How about you?”

“Um… sure. Yea, ok. Breakfast.”

Steve started moving again, downstairs towards the cluttered kitchen when he paused, "So how did you get back so fast? Cause that's like a 7 hour flight, even with you in the cockpit." “Steve…” You could hear it, the whining almost pleading tone that signaled the end of Loki’s well planned charade. That wasn’t enough to stop Steve. He broke hard, one of those strong arms stopping you in your tracks before you could reach the lower level. “It’s clever, I have to give you guys that. Almost perfect, really.” Panic rising, you doubled down on the ruse, struggling to keep your voice even, “I don’t know-” Blocking you in, his body the perfect unmovable buffer, “Loki’s here too, isn’t he?” Pushing against “Steve, I… I don’t…” “Don’t lie. You don’t have to…” “But… how-?” “You’re not mean enough to play Natasha, doll. Not by a long shot.”

--- It was strange to be seated at the table and chairs that you and Steve had picked out together one sunny Saturday when you thought that your future was going to be Loki-less. Your place, the one that you had imagined filling with children that had golden hair and bright blue eyes, felt like a set. Something false and fake. A facade, put together simply for show. Steve must have felt it too because his fingers drummed against the white washed table incessantly. Clearly he had something on his mind. “Steve-” “No. No. Please, let me just get this out, ok?” Raising an eyebrow, you waved at him to continue, nervous but interested in what the super soldier needed to explain. With a shaky inhale, running his constantly moving fingers through his golden locks, Steve caught your eye and didn’t waiver. “When I saw you… No, that’s not right. Let me start at the beginning. “When Loki left Earth, you… you were so sad. It hurt me to see you so… deflated.” “Steve, I-” “You know it’s true. When he returned to Asgard, something in you, it dimmed, and I just couldn’t allow that… Not when I felt the way I did about you. “I don’t think you realize just how incredible you are… how full of life! And since I had already missed one chance to be with you, I knew I needed to prove that I could be the man you needed… If you forgot about Loki along the way, even better. “Only… you never did. I waited years for you, ya know, doll? Years. And just when I thought there was no chance with you, Nat gave me a reason to hope. “She was your friend. An ally. Someone you could trust… someone I could trust. I swear it started out that innocently, at least for me. I just wanted to make you smile again. But she had other plans. Plans that came from higher up the ladder of SHIELD. “Fury, he wanted us to watch you… something about Loki being too powerful. And-”, grabbing your hand tightly, Steve emphasized his point, “-I promise you that I had no idea about his success, or the messages he had sent to you through Nick. Like you, I thought that Loki was gone. Missing. Never coming back.” “I… I believe you Steve. I know that you didn’t do all this on your own… but what was Nick hoping you’d find out? I knew less than nothing about what was going on!” “I think he was worried that Loki would get to you first. That if… when Loki returned, you would be his first stop. Then you would know about Loki’s success and, frankly, Fury’s failures. You would also know… well, everything you know now. That Fury had you tailed, lied to, and led on in an effort to stop Loki from out flanking him.” Frenzied and frantic, you felt anger boiling up inside of you, “But I thought Loki was gone forever. There was no hope for him and I… and Natasha, she told me that he was dead.” “All a part of Fury’s plan to keep you neutralized and Loki away. If Loki thought that you’d ignored his letters, that you no longer loved him, why would he come back here? And, if that didn’t work… when Loki came back and you were with me, what else could keep him on Earth?”

Whispering with realization, “So, they used you too.” Steve sighed and buried his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt, “Don’t feel bad for me. I let them use my love for you, let them twist it up and shape it as they needed. Honestly, I wish I could tell you that it was for you, but it wasn’t. It was for me. I wanted you, so, so badly. I didn’t care what strings were attached. And we built a life together, you and me. I thought I could outrun the reality of the constant monitoring and daily reports. Telling Natasha and Nick about every word and each email. Don’t you see, I love you… and I wanted you, however I could get you.” Shaking your head, Natasha’s red wisps flying, “That’s not love, Steve. I don’t know what that is… but love isn’t it.” “No?” With a loud thunk, Steve slammed a small velvet box on the table between you. “Is… Is that what I think it is?”

“Last night. It was going to happen last night. Our friends here, under the lights and the stars, I was going to ask you to marry me. I still would if-” Realization hit you like a ton of bricks, “If Loki hadn’t stepped back into our lives.” “-If Loki hadn’t stepped back into your life.” It made you both laugh in a sad way, how you finished the same thought, and for a fleeting second you could see why you had allowed Captain America to sweep you off your feet. He was a lot of things to you now, but there was a time when he had been almost everything. The evidence of that was in the small black square that said nothing but spoke volumes. “Steve, I don’t know if I would have said yes… even without Loki’s… arrival. I think I have always known that you and I… we are very different people.” Sitting back in his chair, his gaze still locked on your own, “I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what I’ve done… what I’ve said… How, shit, how I’ve behaved. I could say that it was my duty. I could tell you it was out of love, but the plain truth is that I have always been jealous of what you and Loki share.” “You’ll find it Steve. You really will. There’s a person out there waiting for you. And once you’ve found them, oh Steve, you’ll see that this… what we had, it’s a shadow. An illusion. Because love, real love, doesn’t come with caveats and catches. It is an undeniable force which, in my case, even the boundaries of time and space can not deny.” Something like a sob burst out of Steve, and you were surprised to see tears in his eyes, “I was so wrong. Could you ever forgive me?” “I want to, Steve. I really do... “ What more could you say? Patting his hand you started to rise, “I have to go now. Loki and I need to keep moving and I don’t want to risk running into Nick and Natasha. At least, not yet, anyway.” “Where are you planning to go?” “To the Avenger’s Tower. I believe I know what Mr. Fury has been planning all along.” Loki’s strong voice entered the conversation as smoothly as his arms wrapped possessively around your waist. Steve took in the protective stance of your returned lover with a raised eyebrow, and without further comment asked Loki, “Really? And how are you going to breach the building? They’ll be looking for you, even with disguises… Fury is no fool. Plus, there’s little chance that Tony hasn’t activated a million safety and security protocols by now.” Only interested in you, Loki refused to give Steve any of his attention, “Getting in can’t be that hard! I’ll figure it out when I get there. Ready pet?” With a gentle push under his broad hands your feet started to move towards the door. Loki was eager to be off and away, especially after hearing so much of Roger’s confession. Just knowing what Steve had done, manipulating you while also convinced of his love for you; it was enough for Loki to commit murder. He was having quite a difficult time not tearing the good Captain’s limbs off his body. Softening his tone, Steve practically pleaded, “Loki. Wait. I… I can help.” Turning his attention fully to your former flame, Loki purred venomously, “You can help? I’d love to know what entails, Captain.” “I can get you into the place and take you exactly where you need to go. Fury’s going to hate it, but I’m tired of taking orders that hurt the people that-” His pause was as lingering as the look he gave you, “- That I love.” Before Loki could offer a sincerely sassy reply you grabbed his sleeve, tugging, “Um… Excuse us a minute Steve.” Pulling him down the hall of a home that felt like a familiar faced stranger, you waited until you had a bit of distance from Steve before harshly whispering, “How long were you listening?”

Serving you that small, sexy smile, Loki grinned, “Long enough. How did you know I was there?” “You are sneaky, but even you, God of Mischief, cast a shadow.” Swinging you close enough to catch your mouth with his own, Loki pressed a sweet kiss there before answering, “A mistake I will be careful not to make again!” “The tower, huh? That’s where you want to go?” Grabbing you at the swell of your hips, grinding his frame against your own, “Where I want to go, my darling, is to the nearest bed, preferably naked, with you and you alone.” Your hands traced over the lapels of his borrowed leather duster, pausing only to jerk him closer by the supple fabric, “Hmm… is that so?” “Oh yes…” Loki’s buttery grumble filled your ear as his strong hands dug into the flesh of your bottom. For a moment you thought he’d give in to temptation, his sweet lips teasingly close to your own upturned mouth, “But-” On your toes, leaning into Loki’s sturdy, leather draped frame, you paused, “Ugh. But?” Moving you to a safer, less kissable, arms length away, Loki sighed with the same frustration you felt, “-But, where we need to go, as soon as possible, is the Tower.” Moaning grumpily, you stepped out of the arms you longed to linger in, “I was afraid you were going to say that.” “I know it’s less than… ideal, love, but I did find something useful before the good Captain unburdened his soul this morning.” “And that is?” “Fury’s plan. At first I couldn’t figure out exactly what he was after. What did Fury want? How was I involved?” Loki was dragging this out, loving how it kept you hanging onto his every word, and you rolled your eyes, “Well? What is it? Weapons? War?” “All of that, yes… and… yours truly.” That triumphant smile that filled Loki’s whole face lit up his mischievous eyes. Tilting your head, struggling to make sense of what Loki had just told you, “What do you mean, you. Fury wanted you… to do what, exactly?’ “Loki was going to be the patsy.” You both turned toward the sound of Steve’s baritone at the door, suddenly remembering that the Good Captain was still there and that he was waiting to see what you were going to do next. Leaning his 100 year old bones into the doorframe, Steve crossed his arms, “The fall guy. An example of what happens if you cross SHIELD.” “I think, my dear Mr. Rogers, that you mean, I am to be used as an example of what happens if one crosses Nick Fury.” Loki countered, slinging an arm over your shoulder protectively. The idea was frightening. A man like Fury had too much power, too much at his disposal. Just knowing the lengths he had gone to in order to keep you and Loki apart was scary enough. Making enemies of your friends. Threatening the people you loved. Selling your affection to Steve in an effort to control Loki.

Now, the knowledge that all of it was done in an effort to ensure that Nick Fury was the toughest guy in the galaxy, it made your stomach clench. “What do you mean, an example?” “Unless my intelligence is flawed, I believe that Fury was going to kill me. Is that correct, Captain?” Steve felt the weight of two sets of eyes on him. Yours, full of fearful love and blind hope that this was all just some misunderstanding. Innocent and naive and as lovely as he could ever remember. Loki’s were reflecting a deeper understanding. The kind of knowledge that only time in the trenches teaches. There was no answer from Captain Rogers. None was needed. Honesty, final and resolute, was out in the open. “Look. I know I’m not the guy you want on your side. I’ve… I haven’t been the man I needed to be. Not for you-” Steve locked his bright blues onto you, offering a small smile that spoke of sadness before facing Loki, “-Or you, Loki. But if you let me help you now, I promise that I can get you into the tower and maybe, one day, you won’t think so little of me.”

Around you the morning gained strength. Somewhere nearby birds chirped wildly, blissfully unaware of the drama unfolding in the modest little farmhouse and its implications on intergalactic politics. Without moving a muscle, Loki plainly asked you, “Do you trust him, dearest?” Squaring your shoulders, you crossed your arms, staring down the man called Captain America. Nodding decisively, “I do. I don’t think he’d spill everything like that only to turn on us. He’s not so bad Loki, really.” “We’ll see about that. For now, we trust Steve. Ok, what’s your plan, Rogers?” --- “Hey. I… I have one other thing to show you.” Steve was dressed for action in his branded tactical gear, looking every inch the super soldier that Dr. Erskine envisioned. “Steve, we have to get moving. Loki’s eager and -” “Just open it, ok?” The envelope was thick with folded paper, the flap tucked under and not sealed. Clearly it had spent time in and out of pockets, the edges frayed and tattered. In exasperated curiosity you gingerly pulled the sheets free.

Shaking, your hands trembled holding the once white documents as your voice thickened, “Is this… is this what I think it is?” Cocking his head playfully, that rueful smile pulling at his full mouth, Steve almost seemed cheerful as he teased, “It’s yours. I think something about this place has always been yours and I want you to have it.” “But-” Folding your small hands in his mighty ones, Steve squeezed gently, “It was a wedding present, or it was supposed to be.” “But we’re not getting married.” “I know. Still-” “I can’t, Steve. It’s yours. Your house, your farm, your dream.” Shaking his head, disagreeing, but feeling lighter than he had in decades, Steve insisted, “Too late, I’m afraid. It’s done. Actually, that version of the deed has been signed since our second week here.” As realization sunk in you appraised the man changing right before your eyes, astonished but exhilarated, “Where will you go?” “I dunno. Think I might need to be alone for a bit. Maybe see the world… but first-” “First, we have to stop Nick Fury.”

To Be Continued... My Minxes: @scrumptious-finicky-illusion @iamverity @mizfit2 @sammy-jo1977 @wolfsmom1 @jessiejunebug @iluvsumbucky @unadulteratedwizardlove @procrastinatinglikeabitch @shxdowofdarkness @nonsensicalobsessions @ahintofkiwistrawberry @alexakeyloveloki @rorybutnotgilmore @crystalizedcaramel @lokislittlecorner @capcapcapsicle @jamielea81 @caffiend-queen @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore @jenjen8675309 @that-one-person @roguewraith @toomanystoriessolittletime @vodka-and-some-sass @just-random-obsessions @brokenthelovely @lots-of-loki @thefallenbibliophilequote

#loki x reader #loki x you #you x loki #loki smut #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x reader #mcu smut #MCU fanfiction #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction

100 notes · View notes

piduai · 4 years ago

Text

i don’t think that what ogata feels towards yuusaku can be called guilt, or rather that he feels anything towards yuusaku at all. don’t get me wrong there are definitely complex feelings involved and i do think that what he’s feeling is close enough to guilt but it’s more than that and less than that at the same time.

people go really deep into analysis of biblical themes in gk while clearly having a christian-influenced perspective. gk does have its share of them obviously, though i think most if not all of them are fake deep and hand-picked for the aesthetic. one of the more obvious biblical themes is that yuusaku was ogata’s sacrificial lamb, therefore he was the perfect, blameless victim. yuusaku’s purity is what drives ogata crazy - a life so innocent even someone who kills with no remorse gets second thoughts. ogata’s slip into insanity started the second he shot yuusaku; we get an objective perspective where he falls down immediately, and we have ogata’s perspective when he turns back and looks at ogata in an accusing, surprised, disappointed way. your sins staring back at you, in a way, accusing you of committing them, accusing you of evil.

yuusaku is not really a person in the narrative, he’s purposefully kept as lacking personality as possible, and without ogata he would be pointless. yuusaku is everything ogata could be. yuusaku is everything ogata hates.

ogata was never loved. as humans we're all wired to want to connect with others, but because he was never loved, good, healthy bonds are alien to him, so he tries to reach others in the only ways he knows how - through negative bonding. ogata is hyperaware of his inadequacy and the fact that he's severely lacking something as a person, but he prefers to self-sabotage and self-destroy by hurting others. he projects onto people as a way of connecting and as a way of rationalizing his own thoughts and experiences. yuusaku is everything that ogata could have been, he represents everything ogata lacks as a person and is ogata’s antithesis. he is the epitome of the normalcy ogata so craves. i don't think ogata would care much if it wasn't his own flesh and blood, but by being his brother yuusaku basically stole ogata's spot under the sun, the normal life and normal personality ogata could have had, in a way. of course, none of it was yuusaku’s fault, and ogata was aware of that, but bitterness and jealousy are feelings difficult to control just by understanding and acknowledging them.

if yuusaku left him alone ogata would probably leave him mind his own business, but yuusaku pushed his presence on him too - not out of ill intent, he just wanted to get close to his older brother because that’s what normal people do, they value and appreciate family, especially someone who was actually raised with love and care and virtue. he kept rubbing salt into ogata’s wounds by being so painfully normal and pure and idealistic and stupid, and his worst sin was trying to be kind to his brother. trying to see the best in him, telling him that he’ll be by his side no matter what, and showing hope for him. he cried for him. who else cried for ogata? who else disregarded his defenses and embraced him for warmth and compassion? who else accepted him? ogata is so critically not used to being shown normal human kindness that when he gets it he freezes. and it's the worst when it comes from his nemesis. "how dare you look at me from your high position, golden boy? how dare you pity me? how dare you love me?"

and ogata tried his best to tear yuusaku down, to dirty him and soil him and drag him down to his level, but he could not. so he killed him in hopes that his death will prove that ogata also had a chance at normalcy, and that if yuusaku's gone he will become ok. but he didn't. so he hates himself for killing yuusaku without managing to soil him. he realized his own mistake the moment his bullet hit his brother’s head; he realized that this mistake will haunt him to the end of his days, this failure of absolving himself of perceived sin, this acceptance for innocence as the currency for moral corruption. guilt towards other comes with a regret for doing them wrong, guilt towards oneself is often selfish in nature, born out of failure to do the right thing. i don’t think ogata feels regret towards killing yuusaku, but he does feel regret towards killing yuusaku while allowing him to stay pure and failing to tear him and his hypocrisy to shreds. if only yuusaku allowed himself to get corrupted in order to humor his brother - slept with a hooker, murdered an enemy - then these moral qualms on ogata’s side wouldn’t exist; he would have killed someone who is just like him.

while obviously flawed, ogata’s logic isn’t difficult to follow. both yuusaku and asirpa were innocent if the question is framed in terms of morality, but their innocence comes with a price everyone else has to pay. asirpa is against committing murder for religious reasons; those who kill humans are cursed and will go to hell, but she isn’t necessarily against murder itself if others do it, though she does not condone it. yuusaku was keen on keeping both his virginity and his killing count to 0 because he wanted to fulfill the role his father put on him - bearing the flag, putting yourself in the danger of the front lines and raising morale, what an honor. but ultimately both of them just refused to get their hands dirty while everyone else had to. it comes off as hypocritical and cruel. there is no bloodless revolution and there is no bloodless war.

ogata saw yuusaku in asirpa. he hated her for that. he hated asirpa for holding onto her hypocritical ideals and principles of purity the same way yuusaku did. he hated asirpa for being kind to him. "people like you and him shouldn't exist in this world" - they crumble his delusion that everyone is inherently rotten. and if people are not inherently rotten, then it means that the problem, indeed, lies within himself.

guilt towards others comes with remorse, wanting their forgiveness and pursuing ways to atone. it is selfless, it is something that is not self-centered. therefore i do not think ogata feels guilt towards yuusaku. even after yuusaku’s murder at his own hands, ogata assumes that he is forgiven - he tells the ghost he hallucinates that his kindness will ruin him. guilt towards himself and his failures though? that’s his cross to bear.

#forgot like half of the things i wanted to say -_- oh well #golden kamuy

81 notes · View notes

youwontlikethisblog · 3 years ago

Text

Adriana Arboleda

I find this episode so interesting and since I like to avoid many things, I've put off writing this post because I just don't know where to start.

Previously:

Armando was visibly upset when they mentioned the wedding in front of Betty, it was purely because he didn't want her to once again feel guilty and break things off. While at the same time he overheard a conversation with Nicolas and Betty that sounded like she was jealous and mad at him for "cheating" on her and that he was a bad boyfriend.

This feeds the distrust that Armando has towards Betty's fidelity and his insecurity regarding their relationship(and his role in Betty's life) as well as his rivalry that he has against Nicolas.

Betty was visibly upset with both Nicolas and Armando. For one because Nicolas really is a huge reason as to why Armando feels a certain distrust. As much as I find Nicolas endearing there's many things that annoy me from him. For example the fact that he continues to find ways to converse with Patty even though he knows that Betty doesn't like it, especially that she doesn't want Patty to know anything regarding where he works at and what he does, but Nicolas; to impress Patty, always brings up the topic of money to make himself more desirable. Yeah he's insecure and he wants to get her attention but that doesn't excuse his crappy behavior as Betty's best friend, someone that he considers as his family. That adds so much pressure, distrust, and resentment towards Betty and Armando's relationship. Yes Nic wasn't aware that they were in a relationship to begin with but Betty often times told him, reminded him, and got upset with him for telling or talking to Patsy Pats about Terra Moda or what he does for a living and the dangers of that information getting out.

Two: that Armando is getting married. For one it makes her feel inferior, that their relationship isn't as strong and that Armando isn't serious about her like she is of him.

Armando had convinced Betty to continue the affair, despite the fact he's getting married. He told her it was only for show, that he'd continue with the preparations of the wedding but call it off last minute. Mario had told him that he needed to get Betty on their side because she was the only one that could embellish the balance for the board meeting this is when we start getting the trails to the letter and why Betty rationalized Armando's behavior after reading the letter.

However that isn't the real reason as to why he goes to fix things. It's what he uses as an excuse to justify why he goes to fix things with Betty. Mario, to get him to do this, weaponized what Armando had told him earlier that day about what kind of relationship Betty and Armando have. Had Armando not shared any of what he did he wouldn't have had any ground to continue to manipulate him.

Currently:

It's the morning of the day AA arrives to Eco Moda. When Betty exist her office she sports a huge smile and greets Armando, who is absorbed by her presences and very content. His eyes follow her through his office as she moves around it and just the same, Betty's eyes are on him, barely noticing Mario. When she does, as she's about to exit the office she greets him, we see Armando with a smile just absorbed by her until Mario speaks and he composes himself to act like that didn't make him happy, joyful, at peace, etc...

Why does AA hold such a significance here?

Armando is now slowly accepting and willingly understanding his feelings(he does try to justify them as something else at times). Betty says she has felt this through his kisses and his affection towards her, that she knows that he loves her now and that he is faithful to her-when it comes to Marcela.

However as she said the previous night as she wrote in her diary that she isn't so sure about his love or fidelity when it comes to his true vice; the models. Models like AA.

Jealousy isn't something healthy in any relationship, even when media tries to paint jealousy as this normal and healthy thing that every person experiences, it's not.

In the previous post I mentioned what the definition of Jealous/y is. It's a combination of feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or resentment but if you look up the definition of it it says "concern over the relative lack of possessions-"

Sometimes it isn't an object, rather a person, however the issue lays within the fact that person who feels the jealousy views said person as an object rather than a human. Armando's jealousy is possessive, insecure and resentful however Betty's jealousy is of inadequacy and insecurity. She doesn't feel resentful towards Armando for being attracted to "beautiful" women. She expects that from him.

AA represents Betty's insecurity as a woman in a physical form. When Betty finds out AA wants to see and speak with Armando privately she tries to stop that from happening, contrary to the past when she'd help the man out, this time she tries to stick to "he said he doesn't want to be bothered" but when Armando realizes who wants to speak to him he ignores his duties as the president of the company and the importance of him being in said meeting for the future collection, which will help Eco Moda be able to pay off its debt. Betty knows this so when she sees that Armando doesn't stop to think, at least of the company, much less consider her(the true nature of her anger), and that he is an easy prey or weak idiot to women like AA she gets angry at him but her jealousy lays where she feels the most insecure.

Armando forgets of Betty and how happy he was when he saw her that morning. Now all he can think about is AA.

AA is the symbol and the token object of Armando's weakness: seggs with society's "perfect" women. He places this "need" of his above anything, his responsibilities as president, as an engaged man, and as someone in an committed and mature relationship.

I find Mario's behavior interesting in this scene however. He stares at Armando with raised eyebrows and a frown on his face, contrary to before where he was trying to keep himself from laughing, however freaked out over Armando's feelings, this time he's annoyed at him.

I keep trying to figure out why he'd get annoyed at him for this. In this scene Betty is behind Mario, where Inesita and Armando have a clear view of her. Betty is trying to stay composed and not let the personal seep into the impersonal so Mario hasn't seen her. Yes we're fully aware that Mario is a man that is extremely detail oriented when it comes to human behavior which gives him an advantage to manipulate people and get whatever he wants out of them so he can simply assume, by Betty's tone, that she isn't pleased by this. However this scene and Mario's behavior is very much unlike him.

This is my speculation, not what we are being told.

Maybe based on how Armando had spoken about his relationship with Betty and his feelings for her, Mario was annoyed at Armando for his behavior like saying "How can you say you cherish her and that you love her as a friend and then do this to her? And yet I'm the terrible one? The one that doesn't understand why the plan is wrong? The one with iron skin?" or one could simply point out that Mario didn't want to get stuck doing most of the work in the meeting while Armando went off to spend time with a hot woman.

Later when Betty agrees that they should take a break, when Betty exits the office(I'm skipping that scene for now) and Mario is walking up to it he asks her if Armando is still in there, she tells him that he is and with AA. Mario then says he shouldn't go in there and interrupt them then but he notices Betty's demeanor and asks her if she's alright.

Betty doesn't look at him, she doesn't pay him attention. She doesn't even make eye contact with him so again Mario behaves naturally.

Of course he pretends to be unaware of the relationship Armando has with Betty. He says he won't go in there and interrupt them, but he pays close attention to Betty.

We're all fully aware that Mario would be capable of seducing Betty. He lacks all the moral and ethic rules to not do that. Mario is a villain, a well written one. So his behavior here is just odd imo.

I do believe and know based on his character, that Mario is also annoyed at Armando for screwing up once more, therefore jeopardizing the company and all that it implies. However, take into consideration what happened the previous day. Mario isn't stupid, he is way too smart. He knows that Armando deeply cares for Betty, he's known this all along though he has also tried to deny any true motive of Armando caring for Betty because she's ugly and he knows his best friend and only uses Armando's feelings towards Betty when it benefits him. He knows that Betty is important and special to Armando. Unlike Marcela.

Mario pointed this out the previous day when he told him that he[A] had made love with Marcela in the past but that from what Armando had shared it had never been sweet. He is fully aware that Betty is vastly different to all the other women Armando has been with and it's not only because she's "ugly" but because Betty is of extreme importance and significance to Armando.

Does Mario disprove of Armando's behavior towards AA being in Eco Moda? Yes.

For two reasons: One that Armando is screwing up the plan again. Two that Armando is a hypocrite who gets mad at him for making jokes about their relationship but then he goes and does that, (which is an even bigger disrespect to Betty, Armando's Betty.) all while constantly telling Mario that he is scum because he feels no guilt while he does.

Does Mario care about Betty's feelings? No and if he does it's not enough to make him have a change of heart because what he truly cares about is remaining in the social statues he's on with being the wingman of Armando.

Again even if he did care a little about how Betty feels it's not enough for him to re-evaluate his role in the plan and what comes above that is Eco Moda's ownership but it gives him more intel on how to manipulate Armando. In the meeting board, when he finally got a view of Betty when she went to sit back down at the table, Mario examined her quickly, did so as the meeting continued, glancing at her, studying her.

Resuming to a chronological order.

As Armando leaves to his office to speak privately to AA, Betty stays behind in the conference room with Inesita and Mario where as Mario said, she looked broken and not her computer like self.

Once Inesita suggest they take a break Betty says she'll go to her office, to which we see Mario with his worried expression, look at her and then turn to look towards Armando's office doors in a silent plea that Betty doesn't catch him indecent.

In their office, Armando is busy talking with AA so Betty doesn't catch some indecent Armando, but because she knows him, she knows that he's capable of acting like everything is normal. When she looks at AA she looks her up and down, insecure in herself as a woman with such a woman in the same room. Armando in this scene is absorbed by AA's body, a contrast to when he was absorbed by Betty's presence(that includes body). Barely paying attention to Betty and speaking to AA in an informal and casual way, something he doesn't even do with her. In some places in Latin America speaking formally is a sign of respect and impersonalism. When you speak more casually it implies a personalized relationship with someone: meaning that they have a more deeper connection than someone you work with, a friend, a family member, a lover, etc. Betty and Armando aren't even on that and they've had seggs.

Betty takes note of this, again, this now moves on from her simply being insecure as a woman to now being mad at Armando for behaving this way.

Once Betty exits the office to go grab their refreshments she overhears Armando call AA espectacular

Whenever Betty is mad she always places her hand to her hip. As she stops to talk to Marcela she does this, again implying her anger towards Armando.

The last thing I'll note about this whole AA thing at this time is how both Betty and Marcela react. Marcela goes into the office fuming, throwing shade and whatnot to display her jealousy towards AA and her possessiveness towards Armando, however Betty only displays her anger towards Armando while very minimalistically showing her jealousy because of AA.

Marcela's anger was targeted towards both of them while Betty's was towards Armando.

Later that day after AA leaves, Betty remains angry. When Armando tries to apologize for yelling at her, Betty ignores him and tells him they need to get back to work.

Armando not only made her feel insignificant as a woman but he also said she got on his last nerve, tell me you wouldn't feel bad about yourself and be mad at the person who did that.

Obviously Betty feels inferior to AA. Who wouldn't if we're being honest? She's hot. Again when it comes to Betty it isn't hard to understand or sympathies with her over this.

However lets just remember that Betty has always felt insecure and inferior as a human being and a woman.

Insecurity presents itself in many ways. For some it could be them acting loud and obnoxious, like Armando. For others it could be them never asking for anything or expecting anything because they believe they don't deserve anything, like Betty.

Slowly however, her relationship with Armando has built her self-esteem. She walks a bit taller, she doesn't have such a tremble in her voice anymore unless she's speaking to Marcela or Daniel. Even on this day she dresses differently. She sports a more juvenile outfit, there's a glow to her. Though her clothing isn't form fitting or revealing, she has changed her clothing. Even now since they started to date she doesn't wear the super long skirts with the very boxy blazers from the shoulders or the clothes she wore at the start of the show. She wears the green dress, the yellow, red, and black dress often and the green skirt suit(the olive green one with the skirt that's shorter than all the other ones she wears).

In the past, on one of their first dates, Betty joked that she was ugly and Armando got upset with her, told her that he didn't like that and that she needed to respect herself. Ironic ain't it?

Armando's sole attention has given her a boost of ego, but his confirmation the night they sinned(lol) that he too felt what she felt for him, which was desire, has helped her a lot. Again to recall what her first time was like, this second time around it built her self-esteem. Especially because since then Armando hasn't been able to keep his hands to himself whenever Betty and him have been alone together, out of office hours.

(Currently listening to the YSBLF playlist on Spotify and honestly I just wanna dance)

The previous night though aware of Armando's fidelity to her when it came to Marcela, which was why she said she felt no jealousy or the likes in regards to that relationship(outside of guilt) she still is very aware of Armando's s. addiction tendencies. It isn't only a matter in which Armando is weak to women like that that even when he doesn't want to cheat on Marcela or whomever, he still falls for their manipulative or even pushy tactics to get him to sleep with them.

Let's not forget that Betty knows Armando and his behavior when it comes to the Models because unlike Marcela who has only seen snip bits when she stands behind him when he's flirting, Betty has seen it and heard it all from Armando. She has been in the room when Armando and Mario discuss how to get away with his affairs, she has seen him in action, she has even heard and seen the way he plays women. However Betty lacks the knowledge we have of Armando's seggsual affairs.

What does this mean?

To Betty, this weakness of Armando is solely based on the body of the women he is sleeping with(which are all A Grade) and though to some degree this is true(his obsession with perfection etc.) there's more to it. Armando, aside from having slept with her and saying he desired her, has never acted eager to jump her bones or expressed it like he has about all the other women he has been with. He has never made her feel validated as women for her body, though she knows he has an emotional attraction to her, she doesn't believe he has a physical one(I'll get to that scene in time ok! for now I'm talking about it like they haven't screwed again) for her, or at least one that matters. So when she sees AA in the office and she looks her up and down Betty compares herself, not as Armando's girlfriend, but as a woman in general.

For us women looks are the most important and most valuable thing we're told we have. Without them, what are we?

When you grow up being the "other" of society standards for women you grow up with no self-worth. Comparing yourself to others becomes second nature. We know Betty has said she grew up lonely, only Nicolas was her friend, kids in school made fun of her. She never had this moment when she looked at herself and was at least okay with what she was staring at. The contrary, she hated it but learned to tolerate it. Her self deprecating jokes were her acceptance of it, her way to cope with the way the world treated her. It was for her to be able to not care as much about it. However the way people treat her based on her looks still stings and this time it's a lot more.

Could you put yourself in her shoes? All your life you go about it feeling lonely, ugly, unwanted, inadequate, etc. and one day after so much heart ache, a terrible relationship that left you emotionally disfigured and scarred, a man that is desired by so many women AND men, who is "educated", "smart", handsome and has a good sense of humor pays attention to you, how would you feel?

Realistically speaking; a lot more insecure.

Some people hate themselves so much that they hate when people take notice of them because it's like saying "you have terrible taste if you like me, therefore you are not as great." Burdening someone with your own self-hatred. Betty has shown this in the past, when Armando first started to pursue her. She asked him time and time again why he'd be interested in her or notice her because a man like him could never notice her as more than just his employee.

AA is the incarnation of Betty's own dilema. Her self-hatred and insecurity as a woman because in her eyes she lacks beauty. Body wise she doesn't have Meat on her bones, she has frizzy wavy hair, doesn't wear makeup and has one eyebrow plus a mustache. However, despite this, Armando has fallen in love with her and in a matter of seconds this is shattered.

Armando forgets who Betty is for him. He forgets what he feels for her, the importance and significance of her to him and his life and is enveloped with the idea of AA wanting to speak to him and not in this "fanatic" manor but as a man wanting to conquer. Betty's ego isn't only hurting but she(in complete) is hurting by this. Next to Marcela she knows she is the one to hold Armando's heart and now his desires, but next to women like AA, she is insignificant not just as a woman, but as a person in general.

Especially after Armando yells at her, after a long time of not doing so, he yells at her in front of AA, he forgets Betty is even in the room or in the world. While with Marcela he tries not to bring her up or the subject of the wedding because he knows it hurts her(visibly kept glancing towards her office when AA was asking about it, confirming that whenever he seeks her comfort when she isn't with him in the room he'll be facing or standing by her office), he doesn't even consider her when AA is the room. She's heard him say he'd forget all of his commitments and relationships and run away with AA and marry her, just that day she saw him kiss a picture of her and basically make out with it.

She believes that unlike Marcela, AA is real competition because she's hawt(even though Marcela is hawt too) however she knows that Armando isn't in love with Marcela or even interested in her for that fact but she knows that Armando is of AA. However again because Betty is so insecure as a woman she believes that she isn't even in a competition with AA, because if AA wanted to, she'd take Armando and he wouldn't even put up a fight, he'd go willingly on the first attempt. Add that to Armando saying that Betty gets on his last nerve?

He dug his own grave.

One could ask how is it possible that Armando didn't pick up on Betty being jealous?

For one because Armando has only experienced Marcela's jealousy which is loud and arrogant. She throws shade, she yells at him, she demands from him. Betty doesn't do that. She interrupts his one on one time with AA by entering his office and looking for some paper work. She drops a box full of things to ruin any momentum he could be building with AA. Her jealousy is displayed in quiet and timid ways. The one time it she makes it "loud" enough is when she hears Armando flirting with AA and steps out of her office and stands in the middle of them, until he notices her, but then, after she bumps into him, he yells at her. You can tell right away this isn't just like when he yelled at her in the past that it made her want to cry(I mean who doesn't want to cry when they're being yelled at) but this time it was something that hurt her deeply. For the reasons mentioned above.

And two because he's clueless. Though in the past episodes we have seen Armando learn to be in sync with Betty's feelings and make an effort to be attentive and understanding, all of that work of his is thrown out the window when AA appears, making Betty not only feel inferior and insecure as a woman in general but making her feel like she's nothing, not even in a "my fav. employee" type of way. He makes her feel worthless as his girlfriend.

This is when the hurt moves on to anger.

Anger at herself and anger at him for making her feel this way.

When the Love Guru brings all of this to his attention, Armando has a face of realization.

He truthfully thought Betty was just being her unaware and naïve employee self. The one who trips, who doesn't back up her files on disks, y'know, the one she was at the start of the novel. He doesn't think that Betty is acting out in jealousy because again she doesn't act like Marcela does.

When he finally realizes this thanks to Mr. Dimples, we see the sudden "oh crap" face. Like it all made sense and he knew he messed up.

It's interesting to see how these scenes play such a huge roll to Betty finally speaking up in the relationship later that night.

Sorry this post took so long for me to write. I wanted to fully understand the huge significance of Adriana Arboleda as she has been one since the start of their affair, unbeknownst of Betty.

#armando mendoza #analysis of ysblf #don armando #armando ysblf #betty pinzón solano #beatriz pinzón solano #beatriz pinzon solano #betty ysblf #betty #betty la fea #Adriana Arboleda

44 notes · View notes

infriga · 4 years ago

Note

Well yeah but that was after seeing the gross monster that particular food made he was happy at the suggestion of ordering a pizza though in together breakfast. All that mattered to him was spending time together, it seemed like he had to BEG for it in early SU. And then of course in SUF, after all the effort earlier in his life, and time spent doing nothing felt like it was undeserved and it hurt to just try and spend time with people you love. They took too long to reciprocate.

My post about the together breakfast was mainly poking fun at how people had an existencial crisis over Steven not liking things that he used to like as if it made him a completely different person. In reality out of the three things they suggested that he supposedly used to like only one of them was something he was ever actually into beyond like one episode, if at all. He was never into Pupcopter during SU, he was into Dogcopter. Pupcopter is basically the version meant for extremely young children, and would be like asking a 16 year old to watch Paw Patrol with you. And he didn't even want to eat the Together Breakfast by the end of its titular episode. It only showed up one other time during one brief scene during the wedding as a call back, vanished before the ceremony started, and was otherwise never seen again as far as I can remember. Only the cheeseburger backpack was something he liked and used that he stopped using in Future, but he'd still kept it and still used a hot dog duffle bag, so it wasn't like he hated it or didn't still use food themed bags, he just didn't want to use a bag that was 4 years old, possibly because it's actually really annoying to use a bag with too many pockets when you're using it for something important like school. So I always felt like it was a bit of an overreaction. I don't mean the jokes and stuff people made, I'm sure many of them weren't serious and were just joking around about our little boy growing up, but I remember there were plenty of people taking it way too seriously. I specifically recall one person literally stating that Steven had become a "husk of his former self" after that episode which is patently ridiculous, and I got a bit peeved about it back then. I noticed the ending of Together Breakfast during a rewatch so I thought I'd make a sassy post about it. But I do want to address something you mentioned in this ask seriously, as well as some other things related to it that are on my mind regarding Future.

Edit: I’m putting the rest of this under a cut because I didn’t realize how long this got when I wrote it on my phone. TL;DR: I believe Snow Day is more about Steven’s imposter syndrome than about the gems taking too long to reciprocate his desire to spend time with them. Below is a bunch of my thoughts about Steven’s shift from seeing gem missions as adventures and a way to hang out with the gems to seeing them as a responsibility and something he was obligated to do for the greater good whether he wanted to or not.

You're right that in the beginning he got left alone a lot and often had to beg the gems to spend time with him, and he felt as if he had to be a crystal gem and be useful in order to go on missions with them, which he thought was his only way to hang out with them as shown in An Indirect Kiss. But later on things changed in that department. The gems did start spending more time with him outside of missions, the problem was that his desire to be useful and help with missions morphed into something else. Take The Test as an example. In the beginning of the episode the gems are playing a board game with Steven, spending time with him and having fun with something that wasn't related to missions. But then their time hanging out together is interrupted when Steven finds the statue from the moon spire and expresses guilt over leaving it behind, leading to the revelation that it was a test he failed. In a way that scene is the perfect analogy for the change in his views regarding missions, because that episode is when Steven's treatment of missions shifts from cool adventures to an obligation, and it's also when his priorities shift from himself and what he wants, to others and what they need. It stops being about his desires of being included, and starts being about putting his own problems aside to help others, and about him wanting to live up to the expectations others have of him. He was expected to pass an easy test and he failed, and because of that the spire was destroyed. The gems didn't know how to handle him, so he ignored his own hurt and feelings of inadequacy to make them feel better and boost their confidence. And from that point on, he mostly acted based on the greater good, and on not falling short of what others expected of him because he was afraid of the potentially destructive consequences of failure. You can really see the difference between how Steven saw missions during Cheeseburger backpack and how he saw them later on after the test when you go back to rewatch that episode. In Cheeseburger Backpack he saw it as a chance to do something fun and cool with the gems, to be a member of their exclusive group, which is a view he still has by An Indirect Kiss, though he's already started to see it as him having to live up to his mother's legacy, at that point he just sees that as his method of being able to hang out with them by being useful. After The Test he takes things much more seriously as a duty that he's obligated to do for the sake of the earth, and as something he sees as a responsibility. You can especially see this in Marble Madness just 6 episodes later, where Connie treats the events occurring as something cool and adventurous, while Steven treats it as an important issue that they've been dealing with, one that by the third interruption he's clearly not happy about. Sure, you could argue that it's because of what happens between those episodes causing him to take things more seriously, like Mirror/Ocean Gem or Warp Tour, but The Test has been noted by Rebecca and others as a turning point for Steven for a reason. Now I’m not saying Steven didn’t want to help people for the sake of helping people, he did because he’s a good kid who’s empathetic and kind, but he also clearly grew to view the missions and gem drama as more important than how he felt, even when they were something he didn’t want to do or resulted in him getting hurt and upset. He ended up thinking that helping people was more important than what he wanted or needed, and that came to a head in Future when his problems came back to bite him all at once and he couldn’t dismiss them anymore. The problem wasn’t that he wanted to help people, the problem was that he pushed his own needs aside to do it at any cost.

So I don't think the issue in Snow Day was that their reciprocation was too late, because they'd reciprocated before that point. I think the problem was that the way they reciprocated played into his feelings of inadequacy and his fear of falling short of the expectations of others. He grew up feeling like he couldn't live up to his mother's legacy, and even after he managed to break free of that he started feeling like he couldn't live up to his own legacy. He thought people didn't see him for who he really is now, and we learn in Everything's Fine that on top of his ptsd he has a really bad case of imposter syndrome. So when the gems want to spend time with him and they base it on the person he used to be years ago, it just further plays in to the idea that they haven't been paying attention to he is now, that he's still being seen as the 14 year old who saved the galaxy, and that's who they want him to be again. It would feel very isolating and alienating for the parents who say they miss you to act like they miss who you used to be rather than who you are currently.

That said, it was good that by the end of the episode he told them how he felt and they adjusted their behaviour. personally I do still think that episode had a happy ending all things considered, and I don't think it contributed much if at all to his issues down the line, it just wasn't enough to prevent them. I think it served more as a hint to some of his insecurities regarding how he felt like a fraud because he thought everyone saw him as something he wasn't.

I find it interesting how some people reacted to that episode and to Steven during Future in general. We the audience should know that he is a good person and not a monster, and that his mistakes don't define him, and that he should be allowed to change without being held up to an impossible standard, because that's what the show has always championed: the ability to grow. Yet a vocal section of the audience reacted in a way that bought into the kind of insecurities Steven had cultivated. They reacted as if a few minor changes were the end of the world, and that because he wasn't exactly the same kind of person he was in SU that meant he was somehow a worse person, a "husk of his former self" so to speak, even though he was still a kind person who wanted to help people. He wasn't refusing to hang out with the gems because he had become asocial and hated them, or because he was an edgy teenager, it was because their attempts at spending time with him were done in a way that made him unhappy. Once they adapted to something more comfortable for him he was perfectly happy to hang out and have fun with them.

The biggest difference between Steven then and now was that Steven issues had built up to a point where they couldn't be pushed aside or ignored anymore. The way he'd helped people in the past had proven to be unhealthy in the long run due to the fact that he always minimized his own needs and desires over those of others. So a chunk of the fandom had done exactly what Steven accused everyone of doing in Everything's Fine: they expected him to be the same kid from before who was perfect, mature, and always knew what to do. They thought of him as an angel who only helped people. In that episode he says "I'm not that kid anymore" but the thing is, he was never that kid. Much of that so-called maturity and decisiveness and perfection was actually just a traumatized child trying to live up to impossible expectations while utilizing unhealthy coping methods to push his own feelings aside in order to help others and save the world.

When Growing Pains aired, a lot of those people went suspiciously silent. No more people calling him edgy, no more people saying he was turning into White Diamond, no more people saying he was making the same mistakes as his mom, no more people accusing him of having developed an ego, and no more people saying Steven was going to be the "villain" of Future. Or at least there were way less people saying those things. That's why I think that episode was so important. It blatantly stated "this is the behaviour of a traumatized 16 year old who has experienced multiple traumatic childhood events. Trauma shapes our behaviours and our physical reactions and has a long lasting or even permanent effect on our body and mind." it made everyone take a long hard look at what Steven had been through through without the rose-tinted lenses of nostalgia. Obviously there were still some people with bad takes calling Steven an asshole, but there were way less of them than there were before the episode slapped us in the face with the reality that the show was taking this seriously and always had been. And I hope it caused a lot of people to take that same hard look at stuff in real life, so they could be aware of the effects of trauma on others instead of harshly judging trauma survivors for not being perfect and having difficulties and struggling, so that they can hopefully stop demonizing the less convenient and less pretty symptoms of trauma as character flaws that make someone evil, and so they can hopefully see things in less black and white or good and evil like the internet is prone to do. And maybe some people can even see those same issues in themselves and feel encouraged to actually seek help, and maybe they can feel like they're seen and heard even if it's just by a cartoon about dancing singing lesbian space rocks.

Sorry this got so long, I have a lot of thoughts about this and I wanted to just get them out there.

#Steven Universe #Steven Universe Future #Meta #Long post #Repy #anonymous

33 notes · View notes

starlightbuck · 4 years ago

Note

It took me far too long to decide, wow but I shall request #23 please!

23. Happening to sit next to each other on a park bench, reading the same book.

you gotta read between the lines || read on AO3

“Here, take this.”

Eddie looks down at the book that May has thrust into his hands. The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin - he’s never heard of it. “What-”

“I overheard you telling Bobby that you want to read more so I figured I’d let you borrow one of my favorites.”

Eddie’s confusion gives way to understanding and is followed shortly thereafter by a burst of affection that he’s sure May would much rather he not put on display while surrounded by their family. And that’s what this, the 118, has become for him - a family.

It’s something his parents swore up and down he’d never have after he told them about his decision to leave Texas. He might find better job opportunities, but he’d never find anything better than the family he was leaving behind.

How wrong they were.

“Thanks, May. I’m looking forward to reading it.”

It’s a statement he means wholeheartedly. After a few months, Eddie has finally found a way to balance his work and home life, but he’s still lacking in any hobbies that he can call his own. Maybe that’s what reading can become for him - a moment of peace in his otherwise hectic day-to-day schedule.

May tilts her head to the side and stares at him for a moment before holding her hand out to him. “Give me your phone.”

He does as he’s told without asking, even if he doesn’t know what she’s planning to do.

Her fingers move across his screen with a speed that Eddie finds a little intimidating. In no time at all, she hands him back his phone. “I put my number in so you can text me your thoughts on the book.”

Eddie shouldn’t make a big deal out of this exchange, but there’s a small part of him that wants to. He’s an adult, May’s a teenager, and she just willingly gave him her phone number. And told him to text her. Does this make him cool now?

He’ll consult Hen later to find out.

“I can do that.”

Eddie starts the book while at work and regrets that decision immediately.

The first interruption comes from Bobby.

“Put that book down, Eddie. You’re helping me cook lunch.”

The next one is from Chim.

“Hey, Eight-Pack! Help me clean the truck!”

And then Hen.

“Eddie, please come and explain to Chim why I’m the superior video gamer.”

Then the alarm goes off and Eddie leaves the book behind in his locker. It remains untouched for the rest of his shift.

Eddie (9:42pm): i’m not sure who i’d want to be paired up with if i was in this game

May (10:01pm): you JUST got to that part??

May (10:02pm): i’m disappointed

Eddie (10:07pm): i’ll try to read faster

May (10:15pm): good

“Daddy, what are you doing?”

“Reading a book.”

Chris takes a seat beside his dad on the sofa and leans heavily against Eddie’s arm. “I’m bored. Can we do something?”

“I thought you were having fun drawing,” Eddie answers, eyes still skimming the words on the page in front of him. He’s managed to make some leeway with the book and now that he’s gotten into it, it’s been harder for him to put it down.

“I was but now I’m not. Please can we do something?”

“Chris.”

“I said please.”

Chris peers up at his dad from under golden eyelashes with a pout firmly in place. He’s only doing it to sway Eddie’s decision and not because he’s genuinely upset but that doesn’t stop the sight from tugging uncomfortably at Eddie’s chest. If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to hurt Eddie, it’s his son’s unhappiness. The reaction can easily be traced back to not being around when Chris was growing up.

That guilt that will haunt him forever.

It’s what pushes him to mark the page he’s on before closing the book. “What do you think about having a movie night?”

Chris’s eyes light up at the suggestion. It’s the best thing Eddie’s seen all day.

“Really?”

“Of course. How about you pick out a couple of movies and I’ll order us some pizza?”

Chris nods enthusiastically and is about to get up from the sofa when he stops. Eddie is going to ask what’s wrong, but the words get lodged in his throat when his son crawls into Eddie’s lap. He wraps his arms around his dad’s neck and plants a loud kiss on his cheek.

“I love you, daddy.”

The show of affection is almost second nature for Chris, but Eddie knows a time will come when that stops being the case. It’s as depressing a thought as it is unavoidable. Chris will get older and doing things like cuddling with Eddie and randomly saying ‘I love you’ will become nothing more than a rare occurrence.

Until then, he plans to cherish every single one of these moments and then lock them away for safekeeping.

Eddie wraps his arms around Chris, holding him as close as he can and kisses his son’s forehead. “I love you too.”

Eddie (5:45pm): ANOTHER bomb? How many are there?

May (8:32pm): keep reading and you’ll find out

With Christopher at Abuela’s and no shifts scheduled for the day, Eddie decides to take advantage of the cool Sunday weather and go to the park to get some reading done. By the time he gets there, the park is bustling with energy from children and adults alike. It takes Eddie almost ten minutes to find an empty bench but it’s worth it when he settles into his spot. It’s far enough away from the playground that the sound of yelling is nothing but background noise and close enough to a tree that protects him from the sun in case it decides to peek out from behind the clouds.

He leans back in the seat, stretching his legs out in front of him and crossing them at the ankles. Then he takes the book out of the bag he brought it in, always cautious of how he carries it since it’s a loaner, and dives in.

Eddie’s eyes follow the words with anticipation, drinking in every sentence as he reads them, not wanting to miss a single detail. He’s nearing the end and is desperate to see how the author is planning to wrap everything up. He has a couple of guesses, but the only way to determine if they’re correct is to finish the book.

“Excuse me?”

Eddie flips to the next page.

A throat clears and then, “uhm, hello?”

Eddie barely refrains from growling at the intrusion. The point of coming to the park to read was being able to do so without any interruptions.

He is nothing if not polite though, a trait that he attributes to his abuela. His parents might’ve taught him how to behave himself, but it was Abuela who taught him how to go out into the world and greet people with a smile.

“Yes?” Eddie says, grin locking in place when he looks up and finds a man with bright blue eyes staring back at him with a hopeful smile of his own. The sun is only just making a home for itself in the sky and the glow from its rays reflects off of the man’s hair and gives him an angelic glow. It’s almost too much for Eddie to handle.

Almost.

“I was just wondering if I could sit with you?” He gestures to the small part of the bench that’s empty. It’s possible that Eddie spread his things out when he first sat down so that no one would be tempted to join him. “I’ve done two laps around the park, but there are no other open seats.”

Eddie might’ve preemptively tried to keep strangers from intruding in his space, but he figures he can make an exception for this guy. That decision has nothing to do with how attractive he finds him and everything to do with the manners he picked up from Abuela. It’s what she would do as well, he’s sure.

“Yeah, of course.”

He grabs his jacket and backpack and slides over to the left end of the bench instead of staying in the middle. The man sits on the opposite end.

“I really appreciate this, thanks.”

The words have the potential to sound insincere or sarcastic, but coming from this man’s lips, they’re anything but.

“You’re welcome.”

Eddie wants to say more, find a way to continue a conversation with this beautiful stranger, but he doesn’t know how. He’s very out of practice when it comes to conversing with anyone outside of his family. It’s not something that he thinks about until it inconveniences him, and this is definitely one of those times. It also acts as a reminder that he should try his hand at putting himself out there again. It might be scary, but he owes himself that much.

Next time.

Next time he’ll be ready to actually engage in a conversation with someone who piques his interest.

Until then, he’ll cut his losses for today and jump back into his book. Maybe if he finds the courage to do so, Eddie can sneak a couple of sideways glances at the guy. That’s not creepy, right?

“Are you reading The Westing Game?”

The question catches Eddie off guard as he fumbles to hold up the book. “Yeah, I am.”

“Me too,” the blond says as he turns towards Eddie and pulls out a worn copy of the book out of his back pocket.

Eddie’s eyes are temporarily drawn to a red bookmark sticking out at the end of the book, before settling on the cover itself. The cover is different from his, but the title is the same.

Eddie has no clue what the odds are of this happening, but he’s more thankful than ever to May. Not only has the book been the perfect option for him to turn to occupy his free time, it’s also acting as a way for him to continue talking to this guy.

“How do you feel about it so far?”

It’s the perfect conversation starter and Eddie latches onto it right away.

“I’m really enjoying it,” he begins before diving into a more in-depth explanation of his thoughts.

He talks about everything from the characters to the storylines that took him by surprise to the theories he has for how the book will end. It all comes rushing out of him in a way that words usually don’t and he’s proud of himself up until the guy sitting across from him laughs.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, using his free hand to cover a smile. “I’m not laughing at you, I promise.”

Seeing as though there’s no one else around, it really feels like Eddie is being laughed at. It picks and prods at a deep-seated sense of inadequacy that he’d really rather not be experiencing on his day off.

“Was I rambling?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just, I never said how far into the book I was.”

Mortification seeps into Eddie’s veins in an instant, coursing through his body and making him warm all over. “I saw your bookmark placement and assumed...”

“I just put it in a random spot of the book so I wouldn’t forget it.”

“Oh.”

This is what Eddie gets for assuming, isn’t it? How does that saying go again? When you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and me?

It’s safe to say that he has definitely made an ass out of himself.

“So, I just spoiled the entire book for you?” The guy doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t have to. The answer is written all over his face. “Shit, I am so sorry. You came here to enjoy your book and instead you got stuck next to an idiot who doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut.”

“Hey, no it’s okay. Really. I liked hearing what your thoughts on the book are. Gives me a better idea of what I have in store for me when I start reading it myself.”

The smile on the blond’s face makes it seem as though he’s not annoyed but Eddie’s not convinced. Had someone done the same thing to him, he would be less than impressed. It’s why he starts packing up his things to go, making sure to put his book away first. The guy has reserved the right to enjoy some quiet time without Eddie there to disturb him anymore.

“I still can’t believe I did that.” Eddie stands up, slings his backpack over his shoulder and twists the fabric of his jacket in his hands. He’ll finish his book at home. “I’ll leave you to it.”

He gives an awkward wave and sets off in the direction of the car, all the while internally chastising himself for the foolish mistake.

“Wait!”

Eddie is tempted to ignore the command, but his still deeply ingrained army training makes it hard to do so. He stops walking and the guy is there, standing in front of him, only seconds later. He’s holding his book in his hands and Eddie tries not to cringe.

“You don’t have to leave.” Eddie is about to argue otherwise when the stranger adds, “I know you feel bad about the book. But what if you make it up to me another way instead?”

“And how would I do that?”

“You can take me out for coffee.”

Eddie can’t keep his jaw from falling open. Out of everything he was expecting the guy to say, this was the last thing he had in mind. “Huh?”

“Take me out for coffee,” he repeats, scratching the back of his neck. “Only if you want to.”

“I do,” Eddie answers, perhaps a little too quickly. “I’m Eddie by the way.”

“Buck.” It’s an odd name, but it’s something Eddie intends to comment on. “Now c’mon, that bench is big enough for the both of us and I know you’re dying to finish your book.”

Eddie (3:42pm): met a cute guy at the park and accidentally spoiled the book for him

Eddie (3:43pm): and then he asked me out for coffee

Eddie (3:43pm): also, i finished the book

May (5:02pm): we’re going out for lunch this weekend and you’re telling me everything (your thoughts about the book and this cute guy)

Eddie (6:00pm): you got it

Eddie is half-asleep on the sofa when the front door opens. He shifts at the sound, body too heavy to move into a sitting position.

“Eddie?”

“Hm?”

Feet move carefully across the hardwood floor and then there’s a body sliding into the space right in front of Eddie’s. It’s a tight squeeze, but Eddie wouldn’t want it any other way.

“You didn’t have to wait up for me,” Buck murmurs, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s waist and kissing his forehead.

Eddie melts into his boyfriend’s arms the way that he always does. Even after two years together, the novelty of being held by Buck has yet to wear off.

“I wanted to.”

Eddie nuzzles against Buck’s neck, drawing a small laugh out of the younger man.

“Someone’s extra cuddly today.”

There was a time when a comment like that would’ve been enough to shame Eddie into pulling away and apologizing. This, being open with how much he craves affection, is something he’s worked hard towards since him and Buck officially became a couple though. Now that he’s allowed himself to have it, there’s no way he’s ever turning back. “I missed you.”

Another laugh. “I was only gone for a few hours.”

“A few hours too long.”

Buck starts running his hand up and down the length of Eddie’s back and that plus the silence around them lulls Eddie right back onto the verge of sleep.

“I have a confession to make.”

“Mhm?”

“I lied to you.”

The words are like a bucket of cold water, effectively waking Eddie up. He presses his back against the couch, earning himself an inch or two of space away from Buck. He tilts his head up, sees the guilt in Buck’s eyes, and feels his breath hitch.

“About what?” Eddie asks, hating how his voice cracks.

He trusts Buck implicitly and knows he’d never do anything to hurt Eddie, but that can’t stop fear from making a home in his heart.

Buck has to be able to feel how tense Eddie is but he stills his hand, keeping it pressed against Eddie’s back. It’s the anchor that grounds him, the only thing keeping him from running away from whatever it is Buck has to say like Eddie so desperately wants to.

“Remember that first day we met?”

Of course Eddie does. How can he forget the day that changed the course of his life forevermore? “Yes.”

“And how you thought you spoiled The Westing Game for me?”

“Yes.”

Years later, Eddie can still remember how mortified he was on that day when he realized what he had done. They’ve told the story many times whenever people ask them how they first met, and the story usually ends with a lot of laughter and Eddie hiding his face in his hands.

“It’s maybe possible that I withheld the truth just a little that day.”

“Withheld it how?”

Buck’s hand curls into a fist at Eddie’s back, a surefire sign that he’s nervous.

“You didn’t actually spoil it for me.”

Eddie must still be a little sleepy, that’s why Buck’s words don’t make sense. “What do you mean?”

“That wasn’t my first time reading The Westing Game.”

The admission takes a minute to register but, once it does, Eddie is left reeling. “Do you-does that-you mean I didn’t spoil it for you?”

“Technically no.”

“Technically?”

“That was my first time reading it in a couple of years, so I had forgotten a lot of the details you mentioned, but I did remember the way it ended.”

Eddie blames the late hour for his lack of filter and for saying what he does next.

“I want a divorce.”

Buck reels back like he’s been slapped and maybe, in a way, he has been. There’s hurt written in the lines of his face, but also understanding. It’s almost as if he was expecting this reaction. He opens his mouth to respond, to say what, Eddie isn’t sure. Because realization dawns on Buck and he says, “we’re not married.”

“Yeah I know.”

Buck uses the arm that is still slung over Eddie’s waist to do away with the small space between them and tuck Eddie against his chest. “You scared me for a second there.”

“You scared me too.”

“I’m sorry I lied.”

Eddie rests his hand right over Buck’s heart, feeling his accelerated heartbeat thrumming under his fingers. He closes his eyes again and lets it lull him back to sleep. “It’s fine. You can be the one to tell our family that you were so desperate to date me that you lied so you could ask me out.”

“I hate you.”

Eddie tilts his head up just enough to kiss Buck’s neck. “Love you too.”

Eddie (1:02am): buck’s been lying to me this whole time

May (10:02am): did he finally tell you about the westing game?

Eddie (10:55am): you knew??

May (11:02am): yeah he told me a year and a half ago

May (11:03am): i think it makes your meet cute even cuter

Eddie (12:02pm): i cannot believe this. deceived by my boyfriend and my pseudo-niece on the same day.

May (12:15pm): don’t be so dramatic

May (12:19pm): you, me, chris and maddie still going ring shopping this weekend?

May (12:20pm): i better not have interrogated your boyfriend about his taste in jewelry for nothing

Eddie (2:03pm): yeah, we’re still on for this weekend. I’ll see you then.

#buddie #buddie fic #911 fic #911 #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buck x eddie #prompt fill #my writing #benjisvictor

24 notes · View notes

lothiriel84 · 4 years ago

Text

Fairytale

I'm in love with a fairytale Even though it hurts 'Cause I don't care if I lose my mind I'm already cursed

A Cabin Pressure ficlet. Arospec!Douglas, pre- to post-canon. Inspired by this post.

For a long time after Helena, he makes no real attempt at dating. Sure, he does go in for the occasional, mutually satisfactory one-night stand; he may be world-weary and cynical, but he’s not dead yet, if you catch his drift. And yes, deep down under his carefully constructed Sky God persona, he’s only too painfully aware that he’s getting on a bit, and he would do better to start looking for a new potential long-term partner sooner rather than later; he just feels like he could use a bit of space, after going through the motions of yet another messy divorce.

To be perfectly honest – which he rarely is, even in the privacy of his own mind – his marriage to Helena had been withering away long before the Tai Chi teacher even entered the picture. Like clockwork, all of Douglas’s relationships invariably reach a stage where he can’t seem to meet his partner’s emotional needs, no matter how hard he tries. After that, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship itself starts to sink to its untimely end; even now, with three failed marriages under his belt, he doesn’t feel remotely closer to figuring out how to stop it from happening.

Always one for grand gestures, he can’t seem to get to grips with the fabled happily ever after, so to speak. Sweeping the woman of his dreams off her feet is easy, always has been; keeping up with the daily grind of playing the part of the loving husband, not so much. And for all that he’d very much rather not unscrew the cap on that particular period of his life, he’s still plagued by the niggling doubt that it wasn’t so much his drinking problem that caused the dissolution of his first marriage as it was the strain of living up to societal expectations with regard to a happy and fulfilled married life that pushed him towards drinking in the first place.

All those romantic movies Linda was so fond of watching, back in the day, they never showed you what comes after your significant other says yes, and you finally settle into a life together. He always assumed everything would fall into place, once you’re sitting in your picture-perfect house with your beautiful new wife and a little bundle of joy on the way. What those movies usually failed to mention was that you were basically signing in for what felt like a lifetime of proving your worth as a romantic partner, regardless that you were long past the courtship stage by that point.

And, well, frankly it all started feeling a bit too much, no matter how adoring his wife or how spectacular the sex. They had kept it up long after that, mainly for Verity’s sake, but in hindsight it was a terrible decision, not least because rather than owning up to his share of the blame, he started to hit the bottle as a way to numb his feelings of inadequacy. It had taken a decade of sobriety and the failure of his second marriage for him and Linda to be back on speaking terms, and by then, he was barely more than a stranger to his elder daughter.

When he and Karen got married, he thought he had it all worked out; she was his closest confidant as well as his lover, and they were on an equal footing in pretty much every aspect of their relationship. And above all, she didn’t require constant proof of his unchanged feelings towards her; no need for him to put on an act for her benefit, he could just be himself in her presence, or so he thought.

By the time Emily was four, they were sleeping in separate rooms, and he was seeing more of Helena than he did of his own wife. He never cheated on Karen, that much was true, but it did very little to assuage his guilt when he eventually bowed to the inevitable and manifested his intention to split up with her. She called him a bastard and a liar, even accused him of carrying a torch for ‘that bitch’ ever since their wedding day, five years prior; and while he would maybe go as far as admit to a certain level of sexual attraction dating back to that first meeting, he had only been entertaining the idea of acting on it for the past six months.

And oh, sex with Helena was everything he’d imagined it to be, and more. She was significantly younger than both Linda and Karen, happened to be a fitness enthusiast, and even more importantly, she was under the impression he was the best thing since the sliced bread. Which was precisely why he elected to omit the finer details when it came to his reasons for exchanging his prior position at Air England for an otherwise unspecified job at a small charter firm that – quite conveniently – operated out of Fitton. And yet, somewhere along the way, even their shared belief in the terrificness of Douglas Richardson turned out to be not enough.

“At least he loves me,” Helena had spat back at him, when he’d lashed out at her for having an affair behind his back. He’d let go of her then, his mind floundering helplessly as she moved around the room to gather her things, only coming back to his senses when the front door slammed shut after her.

How could she even suggest he didn’t love her, after he’d bloody left Emily’s mother to be with her? And yet, even now, with his third divorce long finalised and yet another flavour of alimony putting a dent in his savings, he cannot help but wonder.

Was he really, truly in love with Helena when he married her? He thought he was at the time, and with each of his previous wives before her, but now he’s not so sure anymore. Not after he had to sit through an eight-hour flight with Herc describing to him in painful detail how Carolyn makes him feel, never mind that she’s not even remotely his type and he very nearly gets a heart attack every time he lays eyes on that terrifying-looking stuffed sheep that lives in their house.

And now Martin has announced he and Theresa are finally getting married – his Liechtenstein citizenship test passed with flying colours, and on his fifth attempt no less – Douglas is beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, this relationship malarkey might not be for him after all.

It’s not as if he isn’t happy enough now, back in the captain’s seat, flying the old girl all over the world with Carolyn and Arthur – and yes, even Herc – at his side. And he still gets to tease Martin by text in his spare time, send him new word games when he’s particularly bored, or even fill him in on Arthur’s latest culinary exploits.

He’s going to go up to Barrow-in-Furness in two weeks’ time for Emily’s birthday, and he’s actually looking forward to seeing Karen again; they’ve settled into the beginnings of a tentative friendship of late, what with his most recent divorce and her splitting up amicably with her second husband, and she jokingly told him over the phone he’s welcome to stay for the duration of the weekend so long as there are no further attempt on the life of her surviving koi carp.

As for Verity, their relationship may still be more than a little frayed in places, but he gets the feeling she’ll come round in her own time, whenever she’s ready. He was positively delighted when she emailed him last month, explaining she moved in with her girlfriend and that he should send her birthday and Christmas cards to the new address.

As one of the greatest philosophers of our age put it, you’re hardly ever blissfully happy with the love of your life in the moonlight; and when you are, you’re too busy worrying about it being over soon. He smiles, closes his laptop, and decides he may as well run himself a hot bath.

#Cabin Pressure #Douglas Richardson #past Douglas/Douglas' wives #aromantic spectrum #aromantic allosexual character #past relationships #introspection #I wrote a thing

4 notes · View notes

dxxtruction · 5 years ago

Text

Tyrell Wellick - Character profile - (sorta an unprofessional psych analysis)

NOTE: I’m not an expert and this is also non-exhaustive of everything I could write about Tyrell. Can’t observe every little thing. This is also super unorganized below the cut I’m sorry.

Words I’d describe Tyrell by: Ambitious, Boastful, Selfish, Controlling, Violent, Impulsive, Emotional, Loyal, Strategist, Enthusiastic, Extroverted, Adaptable, Vain, Desperate, Observant, Insightful, Driven, Fearful, Intelligent, Cunning, Technical, Prepared, Outwardly Friendly, Resourceful, Loathing, Self Loathing, Sometimes Cooperative, Caring, Vulnerable, Fearful, and Influenced.

Psyche: Erratic behavior, attaches own goals into a special person, delusions of grandeur, looks down on and has disregard for many others, has a certain lack of guilt or regard for breaking ethical or personal boundaries, adapts self in order to achieve goals, wearing masks over the more vulnerable and perceived weaker sides of himself, perhaps hiding various amounts of self loathing, maladaptive perfectionism, strong desire for control.

I’ll avoid anything official and say he likely has some form of personality disorder and/or perhaps an attachment disorder.

Tyrell seems to be driven almost entirely by his own ambitions and goals for his life. Those goals change but he continues on doing anything possible to meet those ends. Believing he is destined to have them over others who seek similar ends.

He care’s a lot about his appearance, both in how he looks and in how others perceive him suggesting a need to garner their respect and control perceptions. Perhaps fearing rejection and public humiliation. Feels it necessary to hide himself behind the best of outward appearances. Feeling equally deserving of respect and deeply afraid of losing it. The latter suggesting a point in time where he saw himself associated with certain perceived inferiorities (perhaps his family being poor, his accent, a lack of knowledge or skill, a lack of restraint), that still lingers in him even though he’s tried (relentlessly) to escape them.

Tyrell tries to maintain a look of control and professionalism, something he’s well developed in order to get to where he is. With control, having the upper hand, he believe’s he can not lose. He however cracks under the pressure of perhaps not having control by lashing out and acting on impulse, often violent impulse. Regaining a sense of power over the situation in destructive ways that run counter to what he’s trying to achieve.

There’s hints at a fear of showing weakness and vulnerability suggesting perhaps toxic masculinity and could also be the same fears of rejection and public humiliation. The amount of effort he seems to put into this suggests he fears in some way that he could very well be exposed as a fraud. Tyrells mask is there for a reason and I think that reason is to avoid his fears, of which there are many.

He is aware of many of the masks he wears (but maybe not all of them), and seems to practice and perfect them. He’s a perfectionist: self defeating, even self harming, towards unrealistic goals and expectations of himself, causing undue stress. Tyrell has a hyper-fixation upon inadequacies he sees in both himself and others. This causes quite a lot of black and white, narrow ways of thinking.

Tyrell can also crack and shed off his mask, showing his vulnerable side when alone or when he is feeling weak or defeated. He cries. I think he feels his emotions fairly intensely at all times. Which may contribute to why he tries so hard on maintaining a different sense of himself which is far more collected. Creating distance from how he feels things in order to see himself as more in control. And as always in order to meet his goals. I get a sense of self hatred, a certain level of shame from Tyrell in the ways he seems to cover up who he is from the world. Perhaps from the amount of things he has bottled up.

Despite feeling deserving of his goals, he knows you must work to get the things you want, and so he will resort to ANY means necessary. Boundaries mean nothing when it works towards his goals. Conventionality and reason can be sacrificed if needed. Breaking conventions seems (to me) a last resort measure as Tyrell is proven to be sufficient at getting to where he is through his social and technical skills along with keen professional insights and overall intelligence within his field. He is very eager even without the more harmful ways of getting what he wants. These are all factors which make him appear desirable for high ranking positions within his field, and probably prove to him a sense of higher worth and tangible achievement.

I do want to point out that he is observant of things most people tend to not notice or have foresight on. This quick internal observations lead him towards quick assumptions, making for keen awareness of how others will act, yet he holds strong to the initial judgements he has of people. The skill of reading people seems fairly important if you are to strategize with or against them and Tyrell is always following some type of plan and agenda. While not always in complete control of how he may act or feel he can control and manipulate the direction of his life to the ends he needs. He needs have it planned out for him to feel secure.

While at first glance Tyrell may seem like only self concerning. He seems to have a pattern of attaching his goals in with a loyalty/contract to a specific person who he does them for. This leans towards delusions of grandeur especially with Elliot.

In these relationships there is perhaps also seeking consistent validation from them. Going out of his way to make sure they notice what he’s willing to do for them. Idolizing them and desiring these relationships to succeed in the ways he envisions them to. Likely has fears of his own inadequacy to succeed within the relationships goals, and fears that he could ruin the relationship by not succeeding. Leading to a suppressed but present low self esteem and easy influence over his actions.

He feels a strong need to provide for them, and they provide him with something as well or he wouldn’t show such loyalty. (Ie: Ability to seek the highest ideal of the American dream/Ability to rule the fate of the world). In other words they seem to offer a boosted ego or chance towards something he finds valuable to his personal ambitions. He cares about them but can’t ever shake what drives him.

In a world where he can get anything and impress anyone those who subvert that are incredibly intriguing to him, and it also must be incredibly painful when he starts to develop strong feelings of attachment and they reject him. These people (Joanna and Elliot) are withholding and inconsistent in showing Tyrell that validation he wants. Making him have to chase their approval and respect. Which keeps him interested in continuing to succeed for them, to show off and get their attention. (Ex: Joanna’s gifts, Tyrells insistence on appearing good for Elliot). Winning their approval becomes a part of his core driving ambitions to succeed.

Joanna is the perfect partner to fuel his more worldly ambitions. He wants to provide for her everything and anything which proves they are both successful and victorious in their dreams in life. While Elliot seems more to fuel his delusions of grandeur - he can have ultimate control and power via Elliot’s perceived ultimate power and control. In both instances he wants to share in success, feels this sharing as very intertwined with his life and the direction it needs to go. This intertwining can lead him to accept certain approaches he shouldn’t, but again he’s easy to influence in this position.

I feel Tyrell fears most of all not having control (like many in this show), when feeling this way he tends to act out in anger. Tyrell uses violence often as a means of control, an outlet for his own anger and rage when he senses a lacking of power in a situation. He is also impulsive when angered showing a instinctive pull towards violence when he feels this way. He lacks a certain control over these emotions, making him erratic. I sense Tyrell does a great deal of work to mask this side of himself from others, at the very least to keep up appearances. (keep in mind I never said he ever did handle himself well.)

The root causes of all of this is likely some combination of genetics, upbringing, and stress from the crushing weight of his goals. He has pointed out a strong desire to be unlike his father, who he sees as weak and pathetic for not trying hard at anything in his life. This seems to be near the root of his pathos as Tyrell shows he must be strong and in control while always doing anything to succeed. He isn’t afraid of the taboo either and almost seems to seek out what is most ambitious, risky, and rebellious in order to prove himself. Especially when it achieves some greater end.

Tyrell has two side really, the conquerer and the meek. He is selfishly driven, but easily influenced. Prone to violent behavior, but passionately submissive to those he loves. Willing to do anything to get what he wants, but can be equally vulnerable and saddened by loss and failure. He suppresses himself but is easily emotional and erratic. Driven by success but also ruled by fear. Insightful but also delusional and narrow minded.

Tyrell may have precarious ways of dealing with situations and getting at his ambitions but ultimately his concerns are always fairly human and usually seem reasonably achievable for him at face value. He wants to provide for his family, make sure they’re safe, he wants to get the position he’s worked hard for (things get ... confused when it comes to Elliot but I think it starts with noticing how Elliot could be a good potential hire to boost his reputation then things just continue to escalate as they seem to toy with one another to his mind). He reacts perhaps with probably just too much passion, and I don’t think he can help it. What I’m getting at it is Tyrell has a very human side to him that’s fairly normal and awkward even, he’s kinda just a huge techie nerd and loves that he is, we see a lot of the normality of Tyrell in 404.

#tyrell wellick #mr robot #read me to filth on this #I always feel bad tagging these long posts in the fandom ags #Anyway this is wha I wrote in order to actually be able to write tyrell for like one thing lol

18 notes · View notes