#no bc they literally pay the cis man $2 more than me and we do the same job

[mbrainspaz]

I had to work sunrise to sunset this christmas so I guess we're doing a christmas work rant. The young employee who's always tried to bully me high school style has been trying not so subtly to get rid of me, right? Well anyway, I can't tell if she's lying about the corporate boss plotting to give me the boot or just trying to scare me into leaving. If it's the latter, joke's on her because it's next to impossible getting hired anywhere else as a noticeably neurodivergent 'too old to still be single' queer woman? whatever guy with 3 dogs & a senior horse. Doesn't matter that I still don't have any tattoos.

The work 'evaluation' meeting we had recently seemed to go well with the boss even admitting that she'd short-staffed the business for the hardest part of the year and caused me to have problems. Corporate types are all snakes though. I don't even trust her as far as I could throw her, which is probably only 1 or 2 feet because a 5 gallon bucket of water is about the limit of what I can toss without messing up my back.

I was just thinking back to the clash we had over the summer. I'd been picking up the slack for months. Doing 50 hours a week of ranch work on average, and not even logging all of it. My one coworker (the 'manager') was slacking off and taking tons of vacations. I was tired all the time. I had no life outside of work. I even put my 3x more profitable illustration work on hold. And still when I asked to be paid for 2 hours too many the boss turned on me like grandpa Bilbo seeing the ring. She actually accused me of trying to "steal" from the company. Because I was requesting too much overtime in order to keep her damn business running somewhat smoothly in a 3 month 100+ degree heatwave.

After that I had a long talk with my corporate CEO uncle, who loves talking about Business. He said it was my mistake all along. That was hard to take but I can admit I messed up. I had to reevaluate my whole life from that point. Again.

When you're raised with that puritanical 50's martyr-like work ethic you're set up for failure. "Nobody wants to work anymore"? I want to work! I want to work harder than anyone will pay me to work. And like a fool I did anyway, and I got burned for it. Again.

Sometimes I really can't believe where I am now. Like true, I am insane by some metrics, but I still got a degree with honors, customers love me, I speak 2.5 languages, I have management experience, I've successfully run a whole boarding stable on my own, and my personal hobby that I do for FUN is finding the most efficient way to do the most tasks possible. Time blindness who? I don't need to see that bitch, I know exactly how long it takes me to walk across the room. And here I still am getting paid 2k a month, stuck living behind a barn, with a boss who was deeply offended when I told her the 31 cent raise (gotta appreciate that extra penny) she gave me was the second lowest I'd ever gotten. The only lower one being the automatic $.25 raise I got for working at the roach infested college sandwich shop for 2 semesters over a decade ago.

But nah, it's a always been a me problem. I should've known better than to work harder than they were willing to pay me. Am I also about to get nerfed by corporate for not volunteering to do extra unpaid work now? Uh—YEH. Of course I am! Foolish of me to imagine there was any way to win this.

I just can't get over the fact that I was giving them so much value for the pennies they were paying and it still was barely enough to qualify for basic survival. The boss doesn't even see or understand a fraction of what I did for this business. At one point she haughtily tried to remind me that I was also getting 'free rent' and board for my horse, but it's like, 'yeah, and you're getting someone present at your business 24/7 and a worker who can better connect with boarders.' Don't act like you're doing me a favor. I'm not your charity case. I'd rather have an extra 2K a month and live offsite. Except I'd need another 3k a month to afford rent within 50 miles.

I'm just so angry at every hustle culture shill and out of touch boomer who's still out there lying—saying that all it takes is a 'can do' attitude and maybe a college degree.

Apart from the year I was too ill to work I've worked multiple grueling jobs, 40+ hours a week for my whole adult life, I've lived on eggs and bologna for most of it, and if I lose this job in January I'll be homeless. Again.

Make it make sense. Make the meritocracy they hallucinate exist for me for FIVE MINUTES. Just once.

I just want someone with money to see everything I can do and say, "you're cool, I think you deserve to live. Not only that, but here's enough money that you can afford to do something crazy-banana-town like some regular maintenance on your car."

What's worse, sometimes, is that I know if I just gave in and played the stock market and did the credit card schemes and maybe did a few other crimes and exploited some other poor saps, I could probably actually make it. I hate it so much.

I am the ghost of christmas future.

[couldpolyamorysavethem]

ELIZABETH BURKE, PETER BURKE, and NEAL CAFFREY from WHITE COLLAR

Justification:

"okay listen this might already be in the queue but i sincerely believe the last three seasons of the show would've gone in a completely different direction if peter got that last little push away from his bullshit cop behaviour by neal pulling some grand romantic gesture for him + el. like, come on man, you've already come to peace with legality not being the same as morality after you ran all those cons and let neal cut and run, but he's so convinced the ONLY way to do good in the world is being an fbi agent that he like, actively makes things worse for neal (AND HIMSELF? AND ELIZABETH?) over and over again just so he can preserve the status quo of neal being his CI + while peter's an active field agent. would kissing about his devotion to their dynamic and neal's rehabilitation and peter's complicity in neal's dehumanisation by the state solve that? maybe not! but considering the alternative is neal fucking dying (he got better) about it i think we should give it a shot!

that previous paragraph was more or less me preaching to the choir wrt this relationship but still here's my pitch:

neal is essentially already the third in elizabeth + peter's marriage, with how much he lives in peter's brain during pre-series sequences, how INVESTED he is in their relationship (reminding peter of anniversaries), and then IN the actual series that only increases when he's coming around to their place all the time

each pair within this trio have supporting but distinct relationships w one another that they all benefit from (and they often need the support of all three dynamics to get through Issues™)

that one episode where peter ends up on the run w another fbi agent and neal gets paired up with that guy's CI, and there's just an unbelievable amount of parallels between the two pairs and their relationship, even after its established that those two are in a romantic relationship and peter and neal 'aren't'. like peter says he'd go to neal first if he was ever in trouble LIKEEE

fucking everything about the run up to the finale of season 2 where we hear over and over again that the only two ways conmen end up are with 'one last score' (which inevitably leads to the next, because they can't help themselves), or going to prison. OR, the 'true love' option, where an ex-conman is able to genuinely settle down and go straight (more or less). this 'secret third option' is literally even spelled out to us IN an episode about a trio of thieves (byron june and ford) who meant the world to each other!

neal uses the engagement ring he was GOING to give to his TEXTUAL 'true love' in order to pay for peter's ransom that one time and isn't even cut up about it??

also like the episode before that neal and peter switch identities (very well) and neal acts like elizabeth's wife, and the only issue peter (or anyone) has with it is that he's also committing the crime of impersonating a federal agent.

season three finale where peter asks why neal didn't run when he just got the score of his life and the first thing he says is 'you, elizabeth', before listing literally anything else. INCLUDING HIS CURRENT ROMANTIC INTEREST?

also the scene before that where neal immediately folds from his season long cat and mouse game with peter and hiding the treasure because elizabeth's in danger! and peter only believes he's not lying abt any of it bc it's elizabeth!

that one shot in the pilot where neal and elizabeth look up at peter and you can so clearly see he has a type.

literally everything about elizabeth + neal's interactions in s1. get you a girl who sneaks you into her house past dozens of fbi agents so you can talk to your handler personally about being framed for a crime that she has no reason to suspect you didn't do other than believe in your and her husband's relationship!

im losing track of my argument at this point. anyway can someone please knock peter upside the head with some kind of bi awakening for the love of god this homoerotic 'partners' situation has an unbelievably high body count not to mention all the violation of civil liberties and frankly you could've all moved to paris and started a detective agency YEARS ago and this show would become slice of life" - @time-is-restored

[seoafin]

tbh,, i havent read the raws of the interview yet, only the translated ver from fan-translator and b4 i start, i think that this will be just me talking in circle and in no particular order AND a real mess (my brain does weird things after exams) but uhh here we go

gojou collects talented people, and by doing so he finds the people he can most probably relate to, except that he can't, not really, because something in the universe shifted when he was born. and it makes me think of how he's always known it, that he is special, and he's proven it, time and time again— he wants to take in talented ppl and he does, but there rly isn't much he can do for them. for they are talented, more talented than the world can understand,,

but they aren't gojou satoru

gojou took in megumi, bc he knew megumi was strong, and would grow up to be someone even stronger, but gojou can't facilitate or encourage his growth, bc for all they're similar, they are so fundamentally different. ALSO,, while geto was in his life, gojou rly judged everything according to his understanding of geto’s moral compass. gojou wears a human suit and geto is how he learnt to wear it well 🏃

the dragonfly analogy regarding to geto’s response to gojo, who was shown wearing a dragonfly patterned yukata in HI arc,, i’m trying to not think abt the fact that dragonfly symbolized victory in jpn....pain. i quoted from a web here for more explanation : In Japan the dragonfly is known as the "victory insect", or kachimushi, because of its hunting prowess and also because it is known to never retreat. Dragonflies are agile and fast fliers and can even hover, but never fly backwards

and bringing this up again, matricide and patricide are 2 of the 5 worst act to commit in buddhism, and it was said that if u commit one of those act u’re going to spend a real long time in the deepest pit of hell before continuing the samsaric cycle (higher chances to be born as an animal after that probs)— this might be geto’s divine retribution. held no power over his own body and could be considered that he’s the same as those “monkeys” 💀

ALSO the fact that sukuna's interest is "eating" rly drives home his hedonistic philosophy of seeking pleasure for himself. and he’s a cannibal...makes me think if he’ll just chomp on ppl with the mouth on his stomach

randomly, to date i think he hasn't really called himself a human, shaman, or a curse, and has held himself apart from all 3, and we've also the intro of the cursed wombs so i wonder if he’s trying to become, or is, a different entity altogether

so onmyoji got mentioned in the interview and what they practice is called onmyodo and abe no seimei and kano no yasunori were the notable practitioners,, and the kamo in jjk is the same as irl who served the imperial court back then

maybe i was right when i said that the relation between the govt. and jujutsu elders are similar to how the shogunate and imperial court work (ie, the former holds the actual power) but... lets see later,,

and i cant believe that i actually nailed it on the analogy of jujutsu practices by religion,,, so mahayana buddhism, shintoism, and taoism is present in jjk along with their respective jujutsu practices...but between the 3, it shld (?) be taoism > shintoism > mahayana buddhism (which could took a path to pure land buddhism)

it’s weird that the number of curses are supposedly higher in jpn comparable to other countries when taoism was brought from china....tengen sus

so the zenin family tree is sth like :

brothers: [toji's dad] ; naobito ; ougi

so toji, naoya, and maki & mai are cousins of the same generation

[toji's dad] → jinichi (probs) ; toji → megumi

naobito → other brothers, naoya

ougi → maki, mai

but yea i’d call anyone who’s within/close or below my age range as cousins and others above 30 as uncles/ aunts LMFAO,, i dont rly memorize my own family tree 😭😭 especially since most call the other by honorifics instead of names : aunt, uncles etc or attaching said honorifics at the end of a name for an older sibling figure/ older cousins [but like ppl in my country also call the other who are older with sibling honorific even if we’re strangers,,, rly similar to korea’s hyung/oppa—eonnie(unnie)/noona but some uses more genderless honorific] (1)

tw // topic of incest, mentions of abuse

if anyone got the wrong idea when reading this : i am not glorifying/ romanticising incest(uous themes),, i’m looking at this with absolutely no lenses of bias even tho im rly against it

初恋 = literally : first love, or puppy love

恋 = romantic love/ deep longing

i literally don't know how else to put this...🧍and with language barrier...using a western interpretation of the eng word "love" to explain a jpnese term is not quite that simple, unfortunately

that thread omg,, i rly do understand how exactly someone could associated kindness with love bc of my upbringing, it was when i was slightly older that i was just...oh so its not like that orz,,, so the most plausible explanation would be that

but the problem is that,, akutami never specify when exactly she had a crush on them,, and when megumi answered todo’s question she had a “♡” reaction 😶,, uhmmm there’s rly no way to look past this if its this way or be in denial

i’ve seen some of "why wouldn't mai react that way after hearing megumi say he'd like someone who's compassionate when she's surrounded by men like naoya",, well I MEAN,,, that, but also mai probs admires that megumi grew up so well out of the clan, regardless of the fact that he had the foundation (10 shadows) to do so. imo she seems happy for him the way she can't be for maki, bc maki ultimately had to leave her behind

hate to say it but yea,, the 3 clans most likely still practice inbreeding in order to preserve their power and presumably their wealth too 😀

i had an idle thought abt it at first but i filed it deep in the back of my mind asap,, bc i ont wanna jump to conclusion abt this out of all things too early. it’s probably not even in jjk, but all those elite clans in other ani/mangas that produce powerful heirs and whatnot also do the same,,, but this way of (my personal) thinking was influenced when i first got into tsukihime (type-moon),,, i read abt the nanaya family background and found out that they practice that in order to keep their bloodline “pure” (to keep it short : they have an optical power),, and i had this kind of assumption ever since so there’s that

i’m,, convinced the zenins' inbreeding made it more difficult for them to get powerful shamans bc they got 2 jujutsu technique-less children with heavenly restrictions in the same generation: toji & maki

even more convinced that maki might be a bit stronger than toji bc toji could see curses without aid while maki can't so the pay-off must be higher,,, SJJASN IDK ,,, plus naoya sort of implies his older brothers are nothing compared to him, and idk if we should take that as his arrogance or that his older brothers rly are weak/powerless. it would make sense as to why naobito had a lot of sons, ig, as head of clan

i feel so bad that if one of the factors that can caused heavenly restriction is inbreeding,, toji and maki and mai had no say in how they wanted to be born but are scorned for it,, typical asian families projecting their traumas and ideals onto their kids but get mad when they realize that those ideals are ugly...😁😁😁

since the zenin are conservative,, i wonder if they still hold onto old jpnese dining traditions. where in ancient jpn, hierarchical relationships were made readily apparent even within families. a dining table where everybody sat down and ate as equals would be unheard of. rather, each individual is given their own table that indicates their status,,, someone who is not considered “strong” according to the zenin’s views most likely have no place at the table, and probs eat when those who are “strong” finished/ serve them when they are eating

if toji was tossed into a swarm of curses,, i dont think abuse during said time is below them,,,

the zenin clan was already great, but they further amassed power and strength by, what i assume to be, marrying and adopting powerful individuals into the clan 🤔 ,,, i imagine they're like the hiiragi but without doing what they did to shinya (ons reference)

BUT after all that, i like to think that since akutami’s a big horror fan, jjk might be an outlet to explore said topics or even darker ones, so i wouldnt be that surpised abt it. given that there’s more than enough “red flags” before this was dropped : a reference to “tale of hikaru genji” when a grown woman asked for gojou’s number in HI arc (out of all things); granny who transformed into the man’s daughter, sat on his lap and man just touched her waist; mei mei and ui ui ; and...this (incestous theme is in the novel btw)

lets not start with whatever the fuck in kubo’s head in the interview otherwise i’m writing paragraphs with every curse words possible,, those big 3 mangakas are so— UGH,, a planet w out (cis) men like him sounds real good rn 😌 if one of yall out there decide to do it,, pls hmu rly cant do this shit anymore

akutami said i like my men pretty and i like women who will step on my neck and spit in my face (I REMEMBERED TATSUKI FUJIMOTO’S INTERVIEW WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABT MAKIMA AND IT WAS SO 😭😭😭😭) but ykw,, love that for both of them <3

when i said 3 : one piece, bleach, naruto. aside from the blatant depiction/ characterize of women in those 3,, idk if some ppl arent aware yet but oda is friends with two (2) convicted pedos,, man...the major disappointment and disgust when i first find out abt it

anyways this is just my 2 cents (which i think rightfully belong to the trash can) so pls just take this w a lil to no grain of salt - 🐱

YEAH THE ♡ LMFAO I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A “good answer ♡“ heart BUT NOW IM RE-EXAMINING?????

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if the three clans practiced inbreeding. but ik people are going to be  😡😡😡😡😡 about it when the queen of fucking england is literally married to her (something) cousin. i’m not justifying it but like....love the double standards, just as always with the west 😍

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING PED* LIST THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL. JAILLLLL. it’s all so gross. that’s why i fucking hate when people look towards manga for positive representation because the chances of that are super slim to zero, especially since the industry is saturated with misogyny and ped******* and a lot of other gross stuff.

i think ppl forget jjk is a horror manga LOL so obviously it’s going to confront darker themes. the question is whether it’s going to be done tastefully or not......

[gcnnerpaxton]

bri again making a terrible decision. do i need a fourth? no.......... bt here we are anyway. after this i promise im done fr a while bt :/ i lov this lil bitch so here we are........ give this a like if u wld b Down to Clown w him aka plot!

「axel auriant & cismale」⇾ paxton , gunner, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a leo and 22 years old. he is studying film, living off campus and can be loyal, resilient, anxious & indifferent. when i see him i am reminded of curling up in bed for days in a hello kitty comfort shirt, the click of a camera shutter & hand-me-down’s two sizes too big.

pinterest is HERE.

TW’S FOR ABUSE, VIOLENCE, MISSING CHILD, KIDNAPPING, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA BELOW!

stats.

name: gunner brick paxton.

age: twenty-two.

gender identity: cis-male.

pronouns: he/him.

sexuality: demisexual.

birthday: july 31, 1998.

star sign: leo.

myers-briggs: istj.

year of study: senior.

major: film.

occupation: librarian.

place of birth: laramie, wyoming.

religion: catholic (non-practicing).

background.

neen jst brought in gunner’s older brother so fr those who read elias’ bio u kno tht gunner is the middle paxton child w eli being the oldest n then they have wyatt who is the youngest!!

they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved

the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh

gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament

DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TW - he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder - DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TW END

VIOLENCE/ABUSE TW - their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad - VIOLENCE/ABUSE TW END

MISSING CHILD/KIDNAPPING TW - wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there

ANXIETY/DEPRESSION TW - high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping - MISSING CHILD/KIDNAPPING/ANXIETY/DEPRESSION TW END

the two years that gunner was at home after elias finally left for school were basically torture and as soon as he could, he was falling his brother’s footsteps in getting out of wyoming to go to school at radcliffe

INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA TW -  things are far better now that they’re out of their home situation, but gunner’s going through some more things personally now; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly - INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA TW END

he’s also ‘dealing’ rn which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight between him and eli all things considering, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!

details.

is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic

u can catch him n eli strutting around campus w matching epipen holders tht he got them fr eli’s 16th bday JKSDNGKLHSDGLK

if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times

n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes

awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like if it weren’t fr eli he wld probably have one (1) friend he jst cnt converse w ppl

didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 2 minutes, just extremely weird and specific things

can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms

loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after

update about his summer away: ended up heading to nyc fr a film internship n actually had a rly good time??? fr once?? jst had a rly nice summer fling after being a bit heartbroken throughout the school year it was jst a rly necessary n fulfilling summer fr him king of getting wht he finally deserves

this also led him to b like . oh maybe i’m Not broken bc he doesn’t realize........... demisexuality is a thing n wld get rly awkward during hookups a lot if hes jst not 100% comfortable w the person so now he thinks hes like a one man machine who actually has some Self Esteem n thinks he can have Sexual Relations all day every day (he cannot)

connections.

ppl who buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms KJSHDGKLHSDLG

other film majors :-)

some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………

a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht gunner actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)

ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat

some enemies tbh much like elias he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG

a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects

awkward past hook ups maybe some current ones teehee

anything Ur Heart Desires

[damianfitz]

                                                 MEET DAMIAN

1. Full Name?

Damian Elliot Fitzgerald.

2. Preferred Names or Nicknames?

Damian doesn’t have any nicknames and he’s not really the type to go by one.

3. What does their name mean? Does it have any significance in their family? Do they like their name?

Damian means “to tame”, chosen by his father who took inspiration from St. Cosmas and Damian -- the patron saints of pharmacy and medicine. Context: the Fitzgeralds are a hoity toity family full of doctors, at least on his dad’s side. Elliot is his father’s name. Damian very much enjoys his name and likes to think that he’s very special and great things are meant for him because he carries his father’s name. (Unlike his ridiculously perfect older brother who is only named after their grandfathers, ha!)

4. Age and Date of Birth?

He is 18 years old and his date of birth is April 19, 2001.

5. Gender and Pronouns?

Cis Male. He/him.

6. Hometown?

Boston, MA.

7. Does your character fit into any well known archetypes or tropes?

The Chief? The Gentleman? I’m bad at archetypes. He’s also a very stereotypical Aries dude. (Me, pretending I know anything about zodiacs.)

8. How long have they been at Broadripple?

Damian has been enrolled at Broadripple since Freshman year.

9. What led them to apply to Broadripple? Was it a decision made by them or by their parents/guardians or somewhere in between?

Before his father even graduated from Broadripple, he planned that his children would attend the academy. They’re a staple there; it’s tradition and the Fitzgeralds are all about that.

10. Whether they’ve been at Broadripple four days or four years, do they enjoy it? Do they like Broadripple?

Damian absolutely adores Broadripple. He’s been fed stories about house Fenwick and the academy since he was old enough to understand words. Growing up, he fantasized about Broadripple the way some kids fantasize about attending Harvard or Yale. Every school he’s attended prior to Broadripple was just a stepping stone as far as he’s concerned.

11. What house are they in? Do they care very much about their house?

Fenwick. And abso-freakin’-lutely. He treats the house like he’s their dad and often refers to its members as his ‘Fenwick family’. He tends to go out of his way to befriend and develop close bonds with them, whether or not it seems like they’ll get along. Damian fully believes that the best kind of leadership is respect-based, so he’s relentlessly proactive -- always trying to take care of and encourage his Fenwickians with the hope that all of his hard work and toil will pay off in the long run. He 100% intends on winning the Clary Cup and getting his name engraved on the Clary shield before graduation so it’s important to him that his ship is always tight and out of trouble. #fenwickpride

12. Who do they share a dorm with, or are they on their own for the moment? What are they like to live with? Are they clean or messy? Early risers or night owls?

Damian shares a dorm with Connor Roberts, who he decided he quite likes so he’s been making an effort to develop a friendship with him. Damian likes to consider himself a very good roommate -- an ideal roommate even. He’s always mindful that his side of the room is tidy, with everything in its place and that his bed is always made when he’s not sleeping in it. He sleeps early and rises early. Since the start of November, he’s been a little restless for obvious reasons so he’s gotten a bit... nitpicky. If he sees something of Conny’s that’s on the floor or seems out of place and Conny’s not there, he’ll pick it up and put it where he thinks it belongs. He’ll also like, fluff a pillow if he thinks it looks a little flat, smoothens out the sheets if it looks a lil creased. You could leave your books open to random pages all over your bed and leave, and when you come back, they’re all neatly stacked on your desk and bookmarked and Damian’s just like :) I hope you don’t mind. You might have wanted to rest on your bed upon return so I took the liberty of tidying up for you. He’s just a little more intense than usual since Izzy’s disappearance.

13. How is your character’s dorm decorated? Is it bare or bursting at the seems with personality? Any particular sentimental items from home?

It’s very classic and masculine. All of his desk accessories are matching and made of tan leather and accented with brass. His mattress is fitted with fancy white Hotel™ bedding but his duvet is deep red because #fenwickpride. There’s a large monthly planner that adorns the wall that his bed is pushed against so he can review what’s in store for him tomorrow/for the week before he falls asleep. A bi-fold picture frame sits on his desk. One half holds a photo of him, his sister, and their parents. (Where is Joseph? We just don’t know.) The other half holds a photo of the 3 Fitzgerald beagles looking cute as hell bc obvi. Everything clearly has its place except these 3 photos that are stuck to the wall in front of Damian’s desk with tape (gasp!). One of the God Squad being pure having a picnic somewhere, one of Alpha being cute just because, and one of him and Eliza that he took that she doesn’t like because her face is in it and she’s laughing and that obviously isn’t allowed but like it’s Damian’s favorite so sucks 2 suck.

14. What is their favourite subject at school? Do they even have a favourite? Why?

Of all of the classes he’s taking right now, Damian’s favorite is World Culture. He likes learning about other cultures and ways of life; he thinks it’s interesting.

15. Are they involved in any clubs? Which ones?

He’s been a member of the Buddy Club since his second half of his Freshman year. He’s Vice President of the Student Weekend Activities Team. He’s also the secretary for the Student Council.

16. How does your character feel about Broadripple’s Unofficial Clubs? Do they know about them? Are they a part of any of them?

Damian thinks the Broadripple Boys Club is childish and in poor taste. He avoids associating with them if he can help it but he’s civil with them for the most part even if he thinks they need new hobbies other than destroying property, lives, and their livers.

He’s a member of the Unofficial Chastity Club because celibacy is important and you should always leave room for Jesus. 👀 (It's also a very good reminder that he shouldn’t listen to his hormonal teen body no matter how incessant.)

He doesn’t know about Broadripple Unsolved but if he did, he’d think it was a waste of time.

17. Does your character participate in any sports? If so, what made them join the team?

Damian is Swim captain and a member of the Cross Country team. 

The Fitzgeralds think it’s important that their children grow up involved in at least one sport because the physical/social/mental benefits are far too great. Swimming just happened to be what Damian naturally gravitated toward and was best at, so it was no-brainer that it’s the team that he wanted to join upon arrival four years ago. (It may have also been about wanting to assert dominance since he’s been swimming competitively and kicking ass since the age of 8.)

As for Cross Country, Damian’s parents have always encouraged a healthy lifestyle. They’re the type of parents that jog in the morning and make the family run a 5K every year. It was familiar. He also just wanted to be able to workout and not worry about becoming a prune.

18. What afternoon activities does your character do? Do they just do the one mandatory one or are they involved in multiple? Why?

Damian is an animal shelter volunteer. He’s a big dog lover and he cares a lot about the city’s furry friends so it was the obvious choice. He’d honestly do more than one if he had the time -- he was a nursing home volunteer during his Junior year and he loved it -- but considering his involvement in literally everything else, he decided to stick with just one.

19. Do they miss their home when they’re at Broadripple? Do they often go home for the weekends or do they only go home during holiday breaks?

Funnily enough, not really. Damian isn’t the type of person to miss places. The person he would miss the most from home is his sister, Eliza, and since she attends Broadripple with him so he doesn’t really ‘miss home’. He does go home every weekend though unless there’s a SWAT outing planned because he misses his dogs and his parents think it’s nice if the family sits and has a meal together at least once a week. Also often, there’s a schmancy event the Fitzgerald kids need to show up at so their parents can boast of their achievements and show off what good parents they are, so :)))

20. Did your character know Izzy De Santis or Maggie Monroe?

Yes. They were all part of the same Bible-loving group of buddies that the Weekend Warriors cleverly dubbed the God Squad. Izzy was also Damian’s best friend and right-hand man, so he’s terribly saddened by the sudden hole the Melleray Senior left in his life. And while he wasn’t as close with Maggie, Damian does feel quite disturbed by her sudden departure as well. He just finds it rather difficult to keep in mind that her disappearance is just as important as Izzy’s when Maggie wasn’t the one who spotted Damian at the gym every other day.

21. Has your character heard of Edith Lynch? Do they know the story?

Yes and yes. It was a topic of conversation at the dinner table once and never again because his parents think it’s that ridiculous that people have made it some ~haunting tale. His parents, having both attended Broadripple, described it as a ‘terrible mishap that people have blown out of proportion’ and that’s exactly how Damian chooses to describe it if he hears anyone speak of it and need his two cents on the matter.

22. How does your character feel about Nighmore? Have they noticed the recently closed shops yet?

To Damian, Nighmore is just your everyday quaint little town. He doesn’t see anything wrong with the fact that they’re all very friendly and always willing to engage in a bit of conversation. He just thinks it’s good manners. He would even go as far as to say the rest of America needs to be a little more like Nighmore. 

Yes, he’s noticed they’ve closed down. Though, he’s more bothered by The Kettle being closed than Hill’s Wholefoods. He was a really big fan of their lattes so it’s a bit disappointing to him that he can’t enjoy that product anymore. He quickly got over it though and hasn’t paid much of a visit to Nighmore since then.

23. Have you made any aesthetic Pinterest boards/WeHeartIt collections for this character? Or playlists? Anything you would like to share!

Pinterest / Playlist / Musings / Schedule

[analemma]

long and personal post/rant

In January 2018 I decided to quit my well-paying job bc it was making me miserable. I was depressed, super anxious, hated going to work everyday, crying constantly, distracted, etc. I got a new job at my same org that paid half as much for half the time, and my mental health issues pretty much cleared up overnight. I had no idea how much my emotionally abusive boss had been weighing on me. It felt like a literal 180. I planned on using my extra time for volunteer work/antiracist organizing work, and going to astrology school. The pay cut was substantial and hard, but I moved out of my own place and into a house with other folks to try to help with that. My rent went down by about half, to $490.

In April, the couple I was living with moved out. Myself and my other housemate were unable to find another couple to take the big room, or a single person willing to pay $700-$800 for it, so I moved into the big room, continued to pay $490, and my partner stayed with me half time and contributed $200, so together we paid $690.

In July, my car insurance went up $200 per month bc back when I was in job hell and crying all the time and working 50+ hours per week, I got into an accident that was my fault.

In August I realized I was struggling to make ends meet, had been spending more than I was making each month, and had pretty much eaten up my checking account, and maxed out a credit card. And this extra $200 per month was going to exacerbate that, so I got a couple side hustles to try to make up for it. These have been inconsistent, although helpful. I now usually work between 30-40 hours per week, in addition to my astrology school and the work I’m doing to get my own astrology business set up.

In September my partner of 4 years unexpectedly broke up with me. It has been a really, really hard time. I talked to my therapist and she agreed to see me for half her usual rate so I could start seeing her every week instead of twice a month. My partner had set up an automatic payment through the end of the year to keep paying me the $200 that he was contributing in rent, so I had that for a few months, but that ended in December.

Last month my roommates agreed to split the cost of the house 3 ways, so that my rent didn’t go up $200 a month—but that just means that they’re paying $30 a month more each, so now I’m paying $633 instead of the $490 I was paying.

So, to recap: I wasn’t making ends meet for the first 9 months of 2018 but I had a buffer. That buffer is now gone, my expenses have gone up about $400/month, and the extra money I’m bringing in is inconsistent and doesn’t cover my additional new costs.

On Tuesday my therapist said she can’t continue to subsidize me and that I need to re-evaluate what I’m paying her. She suggested that I skip lattes sometimes or buy cheaper groceries. My food budget is $100 per month.

Which brings me to today. Today, one of my roommates (a white cis straight dude) told me he couldn’t afford to continue “doing me a favor” and pay the extra $30 a month because he has to pay $25 a month for his band’s practice space, and he can’t afford to pay more than the rent he originally agreed to. This man has not had a job since he moved in last June. He has turned down jobs because they interfere with his band practices. He has been living off unemployment and food stamps, which he knew would run out this month. He told me I’m an asshole for bringing this up and that it has nothing to do with him paying rent, and that we are paying rent based on sizes of rooms and it’s not fair for him to pay the same as me when his room is smaller. I don’t give a shit about which room I’m in, I’ve repeatedly offered to switch with him but he doesn’t want to. I told him I might have to move out because I can’t afford extra rent and he said basically “oh well.”

So anyway, now I’m in tears because it looks like I should probably move out and/or get a new job, and the idea of either of those things is so incredibly stressful that I like actually can’t comprehend it. I’m leaving for a (grant-funded, not something I paid for) ten day wilderness trip on February 9th and have a million things to do to prepare, so it’s not realistic for me to move before then. I have so much extra shit that I would need to get rid of to make moving feasible. The last 2 moves I had, I relied on my partner to help me so much, and the idea of trying to do this without him sounds so overwhelming. And overall I’m just so fucking sad because none of this would be happening if the person I’m in love with hadn’t left me alone, and I miss him so much. He made my life feel so easy and bright even when it was hard and scary. He was a lighthouse to turn to when I was going through the storms of a life with mental illness. I just feel like i don’t know how to get by without him anymore. I’ve lost my way and don’t know how to find a path forward.

Ummmm anyway if you read this could you just say one nice thing? I mostly wrote this out for myself but I don’t want to feel like I’m just screaming into the void.

[gocatboygo]

1-50 for Sarsaparilla?

ohhh my god skfjskdf sarsaparilla has no development whatsoever this is gonna be a blast and a half

1) which faction did they side with (NCR, legion, yes-man, or house)?

she sided with the legion from the time she saw vulpes in nipton bc Romam Armor Look Cool, cured caesar of his tumor & everything, and then just before the battle of hoover dam, assassinated caesar and sided with yes-man. she realized about halfway through her work for caesar that siding with the legion was never going to pay off and decided to Fool Him TM and then take vegas for herself

2) preferred armor?

OOF probably like… leather armor sdkfjsdk i dont know. she wore the tribal raiding armor at the very beginning of the game. she doesnt wear the legion uniform but i imagine her w some Legion Accessories TM like a mark of caesar on her chest or something

3) melee, guns, energy weapons, or unarmed?

melee babey

4) highest skills? secondary skills? lowest skills?

her highest skills are melee, stealth, and medicine (she polishes that up real nice when she realizes caesar has cancer). secondary skills are explosives and lockpick. lowest skills would have to be barter and survival :/

5) SPECIAL stats?

im just guessing at this point bc i dont remember them skdfjkd but i would say ST:5, PE:6, EN:4, CH:4, IN:6, AG:9, LK:9

6) what are their perks?

black widow, cherchez la femme, friend of the night, cannibal, scrounger, ninja

7) favorite companions? least favorite companions?

literally no one will hang out w her bc she’s legion ksdfjsd. she takes boone as a companion at the very beginning of the game and then she has to kill him. her fave would probably be cass, or raul, who is the Only Mf who will talk to her

8) any romantic partners? how do these relationships begin and end? are they healthy?

she thinks vulpes is hot for 0.2 seconds but she also thinks that about violet, gloria van graff, and some securitrons so i wouldnt worry about it

9) gender / sexuality / ethnicity / species / etc.?

cis female / bi / asian / human ((i just realized all my couriers are cis even though im trans as hell sdkfjsdkfsdj yikes))

10) where were they born/raised? when/why did they leave?

she doesn’t remember anything from b4 the bullet but she’s from new reno. she left because it’s new reno.

11) when, why and how did they become a courier? how long did they remain a courier before benny shot them?

she needed work after she left home and delivering packages didn’t seem terrible. she did it for like 2 years max before she got shot

12) how did the bullet affect them?

took out most of her memories (including her name) and sort of scrambled her good sense. she doesn’t feel very much fear, restraint, or remorse anymore, which is why she’s been doing All This recently

13) how did they deal with benny?

seduced him, slept with him, killed him in his sleep, and took his roomba yes-man

14) what’s their reputation with the ncr / the legion?

the ncr - fucking horrible she can barely go on the strip sdjfskdsd. pile body upon body babey. / the legion - superb. sparkling. if she weren’t a woman they’d even stop insulting her

15) what do the people in freeside think of them? the followers, the kings, the garrets, the van graffs?

the followers aren’t a fan of her because of all that legion business. the kings like her because she takes care of rex. the garrets generally dislike her. the van graffs like her a lot because she let them kill cass & did all their quests

16) what’s their reputation with goodsprings / novac / primm? (i know primm reputation was cut from the game but like let’s pretend for a minute sdkfjd)

goodsprings: bad bc she sided with the powder gangers kdsfjs / novac: she did come fly with me so its lookin alright! / primm: very mixed bc she’s pro-powder ganger but she also got them a new sheriff (meyer) 

17) what’s their reputation with the khans / the brotherhood / the boomers / the powder gangers?

the khans: she’s a Legion Ambassador… a shining monument of their new allies… Excellent and yet they know fuckall about her / bos: well she did blow up that whole bunker. / boomers: i dont remember / powder gangers: as i mentioned before she sided with them at goodsprings and made meyer a sheriff so they like her a lot. boxcars is happy to see her

18) what do the people on the strip think of them? the omertas, the white gloves, the chairmen, ncr military police, mr. house? do the gamblers like them?

the omertas: she did cachino’s quest so it’s pretty good / white gloves: idolized / chairmen: hey that’s the fink that killed benny / ncrmp: BAD / mr house: well considering the fact that she killed him, not excellent 

19) what is their motive for taking vegas?

literally just ‘she wants to’. the whole point of this courier was that she’s a no rules run, she’s lost a lot after the bullet scrambled her brain and she’s literally just doing whatever she wants to do

20) do they have a theme song?

no :(

21) what do they look like? how tall are they? are they attractive? any piercings, tattoos, scars?

she has black hair in the “blast back” style. pretty short, like 5′4″. no piercings or tattoos (but she probably gets a legion brand at some point w like the mars symbol or something). there’s of course a bullet scar on her head, and a few around her arms and torso.  

22) how old are they? do they know their birthday? if so, what’s their sign?

she’s in her early-mid twenties, very young. im not sure if she remembers her bday (probs not) but she’s a Sagittarius 

23) do they speak any languages other than english?

god no. she doesnt even try to learn latin jhjhkjgfkj she pronounces all of it wrong and caesar’s like please shut up,

24) can they read, write, do math, sing? did they ever receive an education?

she went to school in new reno so she can do all that. maybe not sing.

25) what were their parents like? are they still on good terms with their parents?

i honestly havent given it much thought. her parents were probably Just Okay TM. she doesn’t remember them.

26) what’s their d&d alignment? (bolded bc i really like that one ksdjfksd)

chaotic neutral, leaning into chaotic evil.

27) how’s their karma?

not great

28) how do they feel about killing people? do they try to avoid it?

like i said, the bullet messed w her remorse a lot, so it doesn’t particularly bother her anymore.

29) do they take chems? if yes, when and which ones?

yes, sometimes! usually mentats, buffout, med-x, or psycho.

30) do they gamble? where? is their luck good?

she likes to gamble. usually at the ultra-luxe. her luck is pretty good!

31) where do they usually sleep? do they have more than one home location? do they live with any other people?

she usually stays in the lucky 38, in her hotel room in novac, or in the tent Big C TM hooked her up with at the fort. if it comes to it she’ll sleep in the ncrcf. no one else really lives in her 38 save for the securitrons

32) what are their favorite weapons? where did they get these weapons?

her caesar’s fall collection legion-brand machete babeyyyy, one n only! she’ll also use a pistol (a light shining in darkness most of the time since u know she sides w joshua graham) or a police baton if that’s appropriate

33) do they flirt a lot? is it well-received?

yes she does and no it isnt! she licked vulpes. just. right on his visibly ugly face. one time she tried to climb yes-man

34) do they goof around a lot? do other people find it funny or do they just entertain themselves?

once again yes she does and no they do not! she’s doin it all for her, baby. chaotic neutral here we go

35) what do their companions think of them? are they close? have they done any companion quests?

the companions,, obviously dont think very well of her most of the time bc she’s legion. cass thinks she’s a Real Wild Card and respects her for that at first. raul doesn’t like her very much but he’ll still travel with her from time to time just to see what she Does TM.

36) why did you create them?

i wanted to do a no rules run! like i thought it would be cool to just. do the craziest things i could think of in fnv and do it all with one courier. and thus sarsaparilla was born

37) do they draw, paint, play any instruments?

hell no

38) how do they deal with injuries? do they use stimpaks, healing powder, med-x? does a companion help them? can they bear a lot of pain, or do they need to attend to injuries immediately? when they do have to see a doctor, do they have a preferred doctor, or do they just see anyone?

she uses all 3 depending on how bad the wound is. for minor wounds she uses healing powder because she has an abundance of it from the legion, but since she has fairly low endurance she often just has to use stimpaks & med-x. she’s not very tolerant to pain all of the time? but if she has a lot of adrenaline (which she comes by very easily) she can all but ignore it entirely. she doesnt have a preferred doctor

39) have they ever been irradiated? how did they deal with it? did it have lasting effects?

probably a few times but she just threw up and then took a bunch of rad-away and ended up fine. she’s never been damaged by radiation permanently 

40) in conversation, are they kind? gentle? sarcastic? rude? do they speak warmly and openly with people, or are they more guarded? do they talk a lot?

she’s somewhat talkative, she mostly says whatever pops into her head whenever it comes to mind so her talking is just. a big mess of Thoughts She Had. she likes making a lot of jokes that are mostly for her

41) do they like long journeys through the mojave, or do they prefer to travel more quickly? do they prefer using roads or travelling through the deep desert?

she likes to travel quickly. no time to waste! she’s almost always using the roads

42) name a random fact about your courier.

she thinks it’s really funny to blow vulpes’s cover whenever she sees him undercover on the strip & she almost gets killed every single time. oh holy shit it’s vulpes! vulpes inculta! spelled v-u-l-p– oh my god its the ncr mp quick vulpes take your dick out in this gift shop

43) do they watch movie holotapes? what are their favorites? least favorites?

yes but shes literally only seen blazing saddles, gladiator, and we bought a zoo

44) what do they do with the lucky 38? do they like being there? do they leave their companions there? if they’re a yes-man courier, do they open it back up as a casino?

she doesn’t leave companions there too often, like i said. she likes it pretty well bc of the robots and the hot water? but i think that she really prefers staying in hotels except for special occasions. she doesnt open it back up bc yes-man kills her sldkfjds great transition 

45) what do they do after hoover dam?

yes-man says fuck work and just absolutely murders her. hes like ok enough of this and finds a new human to do what he needs done skdfjksd

46) how do they die? how is their death received, by the mojave and by their companions?

yes-man fucking KILLS her ass! the mojave takes a great big breath of relief knowing they wont have to watch her shenanigans anymore skdjfds

47) what are their vices? are they an alcoholic, a thief, a hoarder?

oh boy literally all of them. she definitely steals a lot but thats literally just. a part of her “do whatever you want” complex that Is TM her greatest vice

48) can they cook, and if so, what do they cook? what are their favorite & least favorite foods?

she absolutely cannot. she likes pizza from the tops dskfjkds

49) did they kill caesar? vulpes inculta? what about prominent ncr figures, like kimball and colonel hsu?

yes she did kill caesar! her securitrons killed vulpes at hoover dam and she was power-tripping so hard she didn’t realize they’d already gotten to him. she probably didnt think about him again before she died. she didnt assassinate kimball herself but she definitely assisted in making the assassination go smoothly, and im sure her robots got to hsu sometime before she had yes-man throw oliver off the dam skdjfskd

50) what’s their happiest memory?

not to be fake deep but all this shit she does obviously causes more adrenaline than happiness. you could say that it’s when yes-man threw oliver off the dam, because that was her most exhilarating moment, or you could say that it was when she woke up in goodsprings, because it was the last time she was calm and being taken care of.

—

thank u so much if u read all this and thank you for sending me this ask. it took a long time but its a good exercise like i said skdfjsdf. send me more if these if yall have the heart, maybe not a whole 1-50 but like ! & please reblog my fnv courier questions post because i do think its nice, bye

[dark-confessions06]

Normally when I set up for a long post I always have a plan. How I want it laid out and how I want to start. But to be honest, my brain has been jumping topics and running on over drive. And instead of letting it all run wild in my head, I'm gonna find the best way to let it all out. Cause sure I do talk out all of this with my boyfriend, but it doesn't make the buzzing stop.

My first thought came to me early last week. I felt horrible about myself and like a failure. It actually hit me that my siblings are doing better than I am, and they are 3 years younger than me. They are younger than me and have/can hold a job, own a car, paying bills, getting their own apartments...just actually adulting. And I'm sitting here half way to 30 not knowing what to do with myself or what is 'the right/adult thing to do', without a car, without a license, without an ID with a working address, can't hold a job longer than a year(if I even get there), can't make my brain function and focus to get said jobs. Dude I can't even put in job applications without anxiety attacks. Wanna know a secret? I have always been like that. And the part that scares me the most is I feel like it won't ever change. Sure I'm making small adjustments or getting little things done but I feel so far behind. I literally feel like I'm stuck at 15. I literally feel like a 15yr old parading around as a 25yr old. People I graduated with or are my age have jobs with vacation and amazing pay, own a house, own a car, getting married, having children, straight up moving on with their lives and making something of themselves. I feel so far behind. Even if I tried applying myself to even make something of myself (whatever that might mean) I get overwhelmed and panicked and cry. I can't even stop it or help it.

Other thoughts revolve around myself in general. Some that have been there for years, some for a few months. And that's a very open and vauge topic. Goes from this mental bullshit to that mental bullshit. Starting with how I see myself. I feel a little better now about myself. After coming out. I feel a little more myself and a little more free. And when I'm passing out in public, I feel fantastic. When I'm about to take a shower or when I'm lounging on the couch(without a bra or binder) that's when everything changes. That's when I look down or look in the mirror and feel like stabbing and slicing and crying. Yet I force myself to only cry in the shower so no one knows or I don't talk about it or try and be strong. That's what brought me to last night. Yesterday was rough, real rough. So I wanted to get as high as I could to relax and be content. Last night I was able to get so high, I felt decent about my body and came up with this fucked up nonsense logic(that helped me feel better about my body when I looked in the mirror). Bigger/heavier men, talking 200-300lbs, have "boobs"...right? Like because your fat(lack of a better term) naturally even cis men get tits. Right? So I sat there and looked in the mirror and told myself "you are not a female with boobs, you are a fatter man who happens to have a larger chest". And so even today when I took a shower, I caught myself starting to cry and get angry then I stopped myself and said exactly what I was telling myself last night. It sort of helped. Any coping skill, strange or not, is better than cutting open my chest. Right?

My other thoughts revolve around my boyfriend and his family. And what others have had to say. I've heard from a few different sources that someone out there thinks I'm unhappy, I'm in a shitty relationship, I'm a leech who lives off my boyfriend, I'm doing weird things and need help. Wanna know the truth from my mouth instead of believing gossip and rumors? Truth is, if we're talking in a whole, I am happy. I'm happier in my relationship now than I have ever been. Does that mean I'm happy all the time? News flash sweetie, that doesn't exist. Your depression doesn't magically go away when you get into a healthy relationship. I am with a man who loves me unconditionally, who supports me unconditionally. A man who cares, listens, has my back and is always there. Always. Just like I've said in a previous post, idgaf what his PAST was. We all have pasts we aren't proud of. What REALLY matters is who he is now. And he truly is an amazing boyfriend. And guess what GOOD boyfriend's do? THEY MAKE SURE THEIR PARTNER HAS EVERYTHING THEY NEED. You wouldn't say "sorry I can't help you" if your boyfriend came to you and said I need more toothpaste or deorderant. You'd not be a shitty person and be like "okay babe, we'll get you more". So no, I am not living off of my boyfriend and his family. I fight hard for them to not spend money on me. Really hard. Even when it is something as simple or cheap as deorderant. When my tooth was hurting so bad I was in tears every single day, I waited til I was to the point of screaming and ripping out my own tooth before I asked my boyfriend to spend $2 on some orajel. TWO DOLLARS. Has his mom spent money on me? Yes. Did his mom pay for my ticket to go on vacation with them? Yes. However, she thinks of me as a son also. She tells me over and over how I'm part of the family and if she wants to go on vacation with her family, she'll make sure I can come. And when she spends money on me I feel as shitty as I do when my boyfriend spends money on me. I feel bad bc I don't know how I will ever repay it. So then this leads us to the "I'm doing weird things and need help". Honestly, you can fuck off with that noise. I am being myself. I am learning WHO tf I am. And if I have different coping skills than you, so fucking what? When I'm going into a full blown panic attack and feel the need to slice open my skin, I grab my binkie and stuffy and curl up into daddy's lap. So what? Maybe others can pop anxiety meds or get out of the house but those aren't or aren't always options for me. And if I found something that works for me, that doesn't harm me or others, who TF cares?

Then of course all these separate topics and thoughts run on hamster wheels in different directions all goddamn day. Nonstop. They also mutate into other thoughts than I mentioned here. At the end of the day all I can say is I am trying. I am trying so hard. I just try and tell myself that some day I will be even better than I am now.

[thedreadvampy]

"my entire maths class is BS based on the wildly inaccurate claim at the beginning. my teacher told me 2+2 is 4. it's not 4 it's 3. you know? 1 2 3? which is exactly why 2x2 is 3."

[responds to my post about how TERFs hold a simplified and nonsensical version of a meaningful idea by saying that you, a person who self-identifies as a TERF, hold that version of that idea]

(actual points below cut. friends pls block the tag #terf nonsense if you don't want to see. terf nonsense. bc as you know I cannot leave well enough alone even when something is obvious bait.)

people don't. interact based on sex. they interact based on percieved gender, which is often but not always founded on some physical sex characteristics.

you can shout 'we always know' all you want but for starters the amount of TERFs who've claimed with great confidence that I'm a Definite Actual Man when I'm a cisgender woman (I know this bc I am currently extremely on my period) suggests that people don't actually have magical Biological Sex Radar. as does the number of butch lesbians I know who are regularly mistaken for men (not called men perjoratively but like. people are surprised to realise they're women) and have to repeatedly remind people they're women bc ppl slip regularly back into treating them as men. I know trans women who've been in a community for decades and when they've mentioned that they were living as men until their 30s people have been surprised or full on disbelieved them and again people forget. I know a lot of my friends are trans and I still regularly have to consciously remind myself that my friends experienced adolescence as a sex other than the gender I know them as.

Even if you personally magically knew everyone's physical and chromosomal sex and even if that was the only gendered signifier you (consciously or unconsciously) took into account in interacting with someone, you're not the only person interacting with them. I'm interacting with people. the people who call my mum 'sir' because she has short hair and trousers and is 6 foot and they aren't really paying attention are interacting with people. people who think that everyone with facial hair and large hands must be biologically male despite many cis women having facial hair and large hands are interacting with people.

and spending literally five minutes in the world looking critically at how people interact with each other would tell you that physical sex is not the only defining factor in whether someone is treated as a man or a woman. the only reason you think it makes any sense at all to connect socialisation and sex directly without the intermediary of percieved gender is

a) you've started with the a priori assumption that sex is real and gender isn't

b) you've started with the a priori assumption that trans women are make in every way that counts

c) you literally do not have a solid conception of what socialisation means other than Proof That Trans Women Are Men which is why instead of saying anything to address any of the criticisms of that idea of what socialisation is I've put forward, you just reiterate that you believe the thing I already said you believe.

also please shut the fuck up or bring an actual explanation of how you think a purely sex-based form of socialisation works. because right now all you're doing is proving my point that we can't talk about the absolute basics of social reality without someone coming out of the woodwork to try and make it mean something utterly unrelated both to usable social theories and to reality.

I do not actually care about your arguments, because I'm trying to engage with the actual problems creating massive gendered inequality, poverty and susceptibility to abuse not waste my time pissing around with people who claim to be feminists while stubbornly refusing to understand any form of feminist theory more nuanced than Penis Inherently Creates Violence Uterus Inherently Attracts Subjugation. but if you are going to make them anyway could I suggest you come up with something a bit more robust than 'you're wrong to say X doesn't mean Y, because X means Y.'

honestly what really annoys me is how much transphobia strips us of very useful language by making it be commonly understood in Very Weird Ways

take 'female socialisation' as an example. it's a common TERF dogwhistle which makes it really hard to talk about but also. the way that it's used to undermine trans people betrays that some people are working really hard to twist concepts to suit a trans exclusive worldview.

like. nothing about the concept of gendered socialisation implies it's exclusive of trans people or directly connected to passing, or that it's reliant on childhood experience, or that it's static.

female socialisation just means people interact with you as if you're a woman. male socialisation just means people interact with you as if you're a man. it doesn't say anything about who you are as a person but it does affect how you behave and react.

the way it's often framed by TERFs is like. you were understood as a boy at 4 so you're Male Socialised Forever. but that's a weird fucking way to understand social development. like it kind of implies that you just Stop Socially Developing after a certain point. you are who you were when you were 10 and after that you never learnt or changed at all? that's weird. what's that about, guys, are you unchanged by any social interactions you've had in adulthood? that's not. good.

like I think anyone who's watched anyone they know transition can probably recognise that gendered socialisation Is A Thing. it takes a wee while to adjust to the expectations and norms and experience of being reacted to as a man when you're used to being treated as a woman, or vice versa. and knowing what it looks like from outside isn't the same as experiencing it from inside.

but like. that's a process all of us go through throughout our lives, adjusting to different ways of being received socially. there's a difference between being perceived as a child and as an adult and as an older person. you socialise differently in different spaces, with or without your intent. if people treat you differently you react differently and if people hold you to different expectations it changes how you understand yourself.

(also. changing from 'being treated as a man' to 'being treated as a woman' doesn't start when/if you start being read as a cis woman. it happens in any circumstance where someone knows that you're a woman or thinks of you as a woman.)

(they may treat you as a trans woman rather than the way they treat cis women, and that may be in a really shitty way, but although people might think that they think trans women and men are the same thing, they don't act like it - they hold trans women to different standards and react to them in different ways than they react to people they think of as men. being met and understood to be a trans woman is no longer male socialisation. being met and understood as a trans man is no longer female socialisation. even if everyone around you is a transphobic shitheel, that's not Continued Socialisation As Your AGAB bc the subtle and obvious ways people treat you and think about you change when you come out)

like. gendered socialisation is not really about you. it's about the people around you and the conscious and unconscious ways our reactions are shaped by what we know or assume about people. it doesn't say anything about your internal reality, your future or who you are, but it does affect your experience and behaviour in minor and major ways.

but like. it takes some real commitment to misunderstanding social existence to think that a trans woman who's been out for 30 years and is exclusively known as a woman has more male socialisation than a butch woman who's read as a man and rarely bothers to correct people, let alone a trans guy who's been out as long.

gendered socialisation is, very objectively, A Thing That Happens. people who are mostly being treated as women tend to have different social behaviour, expectations, neuroses and blind spots than people who are mostly being treated as men.

but to take that concept and understand it as a reason why Trans Women Will Always Be Men requires:

thinking that social and psychological development stops dead at an arbitrary point, which is fucking depressing

thinking that cis men and trans women are treated identically, which is very provably untrue

ignoring the observable ways that non face-to-face interactions (eg email or online chat) are very visibly altered by informed or assumed gender

thinking that gendered socialisation is a binary m/f switch rather than a cumulative pattern with a lot of variance

ignoring the VERY OBVIOUS FACT that people's behaviour, reactions and self-image changes a lot in the early years of social transition in response to differences in social pressures and expectation

and then like. the fact that people are so determined to misunderstand ALL THESE VERY OBVIOUS ASPECTS OF GENDERED SOCIALISATION in order to prop up their own transphobia

kind of cuts us off from readily being able to talk about the ways that masculine and feminine socialisation materially affect all of us and particularly affect the safety of women and people being treated as women. like how the fuck are we meant to do a feminism when every time we bring up one of the foundational bases of gendered operation we end up having to spend our energies trying to correct these Extremely Basic Misreadings of the ideas involved like no Joanne we're not talking about how Anyone With A Dick Is Dangerous we're talking about how misogyny is invested in every part of how people are socialised. we're not litigating whether being given a toy truck means you'll never understand the Struggle Of Womanhood we're talking about how people percieved as men are incentives to perform violence and people percieved as women are incentivised to manage emotions. get your fucking brain in gear we are literally talking about incredibly basic foundational feminist ideas and you can't even grasp those because you're trying to fit every peg into the square hole of Trans Women Are Oppressing Me Personally By Existing? Trans Women Are The Sole Face Of Misogyny?

like shut up or catch up ladies. gendered socialisation isn't an argument against transness. the existence of attacks on bodily autonomy isn't an argument that misogyny is purely biologically based. the existence of female sex offenders, trans or cis, isn't an argument against heavily gendered patterns of abuse. Bigotry wearing the house of feminist theory genuinely prevents us from discussing or tackling the issues that Actually Exist by poisoning or diluting words and concepts that reflect actual realities into hollow weapons against trans and nonbinary people and I am sick to fucking death of it.

[transsteves]

do all the vague nsfw asks you wanna do

I’m probably gonna answer all of them lmao I’m bored and into oversharing

1. Are looks important in a relationship?not really. aesthetics? yes. so kinda??? idk. not really, it’s more of an emotional connection, but if ur adorable like thats a plus (but everyone’s adorable)

2. Are relationships ever worth it?I hope so? I really hope so. but I can’t prove it yet.

3. Are you a virgin?technically???? no. consensually, yes.

4. Are you in a relationship?no :/ unless one specific guy asks, and then yes I have a girlfriend I need him off my back

5. Are you in love?I doNT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

6. Are you single this year?yes I’m alone

7. Can you commit to one person?yes??? but I get worried that that person can’t commit to me, esp since I’m so sex repulsed lmao. but I really like being in poly relationships so idm!!

8. Describe your crush????????????? skip

9. Describe your perfect matelmao this sounds like some animalistic shit but ummmmm it’s just… someone who loves and supports me and doesnt falter or hurt me when I get bad, I spose.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?I don’t know? I’ve never had that and eh

11. Do you ever want to get married?maybe? imma leave that as a solid maybe

12. Do you forgive betrayal?id love to say no to keep up my salty aesthetic but like. yes. too much. I forgive literally almost everything

13. Do you get jealous easily?a little.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?why is this question after the describe your crush???? um okay also I don’t understand my emotions so skip

15. Do you have any piercings?yis!!! I have a nose piercing, a lip piercing, two piercings in my left ear, and a stretcher in my right ear! I also have three closed up ear piercings haha

16.Do you have any tattoos?yup! I have a sloth on my right arm and three dots on my left ankle

17. Do you like kissing in public?ok um yes??? but generally in places I feel safe to be doing that like I wouldn’t do it in my hometown probably

there are ??? two numbers missing from the post ??? tf

20. Do you shower every day?haha no what??? u think I have my life together???

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?bitch I don’t understand my own emotions u think I can understand other people’s ok i know one person does but we Do Not Talk About That and he’s not on here

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?I hope not!!! but I kinda also hope so. what is life???

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?yes???

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?ha no probably not

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?yes I’m lonely

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?yeah, in a very manipulative way tho so I don’t trust that

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?no

28. Have you ever been cheated on?yes

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?technically no?? I have been kissed/other things have happened while I’ve been in a relationship and I’ve been vulnerable (high/drunk/etc) but I didn’t reciprocate

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?um yeah take my tits away get fuckin rid of em

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?yes

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?I think so??

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?not consensually

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?not consensually

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?yes

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?yes

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?yes, bc I thought I was a straight cis girl lmao

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?no

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?yes many many but a lot of them are angry. a couple were nice.

41. Have you had sex so far this year?no

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?forever

43. How long was your longest relationship?um??? 4 years but it was in bits so in a continuous nature 6 months

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?OH GOD UM 5??? I think???

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?that was so long ago wtf I was 13/14 um??? I think about 5 but a lot of those were auditions

46. How many times did you have sex last year?none (I think)

47. How old are you?18

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?eh nvm

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?I am alone

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?I want to say no, because they fucked me up a lot, but realistically I would probably take them back

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?most people???

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?yes, and we do not talk about him.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?unfortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.skip.

56. State 8 facts about your body1) I have hypermobility in all my joints which lets me do super cool shit bc I can dislocate/hyperextend everything and freak people out; 2) my nail beds are always bleeding because I bite them; 3) according to my friend Lewis, you can “literally feel [my] ribs through [my] tits what the fuck that’s so wild”; 4) my hips stick out at the front and sometimes when I’m not paying attention I walk into doors and that’s what hits the door first; 5) I have a scar above my left eyebrow because I tripped over a bike in a park when I was three and cracked my head open and it was open to the bone; 6) my hair is ridiculously fucking straight apart from one tiny bit which literally grows in ringlets; 7) I’m always covered in bruises; 8) my wrists click and it makes me happy

57. Things you want to say to an exthere’s too much to write but I’m gonna write a song at some point so

58. What are five ways to win your heart?1) letting me talk about nerdy shit without getting bored; 2) supporting me when I’m down and broken; 3) loving animals and like… being kind to animals; 4) secret talents ???? they make me so happy; 5) being able to shout about exciting things together

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)I’ll reblog one in a sec!

60. What was the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?8 years I think

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone????? um??? physically, probably hair because I avoid looking people in the eye even in photos lmao

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?skip.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?skip.

64. What is your definition of cheating?skip.

65. What is your favorite foreplay routine?YEP SKIP.

66. What is your favorite roleplay?SKIP THIS.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?ummm… it’s autumn and it’s like just starting to get cold and it’s blankets and coats while we’re sat on the riverbank with a laptop and Wi-Fi connection out of somewhere and we’re watching stupid funny movies and drinking coffee and everything is quiet and fine

68. What is your sexual orientation?I’m panromantic asexual!!

69. What turns you off?um, skip

70. What turns you on?in have an answer for this but like skip.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?never had one.

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?SKIP.

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?idk honestly

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?I don’t??? know??? aesthetic like, the clothes and the hair and stuff I guess

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?skip.

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?skip.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?if everyone’s of age and it’s like, age appropriate? I think the rule is like half your age and add seven and the answer is the youngest ???

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?nope. skip.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?I genuinely don’t remember

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?like,,,, half an hour ago

81. Who are five people you find attractive?imma take this as celebs bc I’m not doing people: 1) dodie fckn clark oh god; 2) joe keery; 3) rj cyler; 4) Natalia dyer; 5) Hannah witton

82. Who is the last person you hugged?my mummm

83. Who was your first kiss with?ok honestly this is my fave story bc it was with this guy Stevie and it was legitimately in a fucking audition for a part I didn’t even get and I was still in the closet but the role was for a trans boy (granted, a fairly poorly written trans boy), and ugh

84. Why did your last relationship fail?because I didn’t want to be in the relationship but was guilted into it

85. Would you ever date someone off of the internet?yeah, I have before lmao

[winterywitch]

ace discourse survey results:

okay, so unfortunately i can only see 100 of the 176 [as of writing up this post] respondents as a non-paying member of surveymonkey - my apologies for not noticing/unpublishing it sooner, hopefully these results are comprehensive @_@ looking at them, i feel like for the most part they are

so aight here we go, i’m posting the results for each question - the data for the 100 respondents i can see, including the answers i agree with personally

1.) Who are the two opposing sides in ace discourse, if there are sides at all?

my hot take: Ace exclusionists vs ace inclusionists

2.) Is the ace discourse a recycled form of bi discourse?

my hot take: Yes, the bi community was excluded and in many ways still is for many of the same reason aces are now. [in hindsight i wanted to add a slightly more neutral answer for this one though]

3.) How do you feel about the comparison of TERFs to exclusionists?

my hot take:  There are a lot of noteworthy similarities, but it's important to acknowledge the differences in scope, power, ideology, etc. between these two groups instead of insist they are identical.

I think it's a fair comparison, but only in the hands of trans women. If you're not a trans woman, you have no place to be making this comparison.

4.) Do you check someone's about or links before calling them a cishet?

my hot take:  Yes, someone who is not cishet should not be called a cishet, ever. It's invalidating and it's just wrong.

Yes, people are constantly mislabeled and misgendered in the discourse on ALL sides and I don't want to contribute to that.

Calling people cishets isn't a thing I feel moved to do, usually. I don't think it matters, if you're making a shitty argument then you're making a shitty argument.

[the last other response is kind of funny to me FSR like welp at least youre honest!]

5.) Where do you think aroaces lie on the scale of oppressed vs not oppressed?

my hot take: Aroaces are oppressed, but their oppression functions differently than the oppression of gay men and women, multiple-gender-attracted people and trans people.

Aroaces are not oppressed, but they're not exactly favored and praised by society either. They're sort of neither privileged nor oppressed. [at least not oppressed in the exact same sense otherwise LGBT ppl are]

Unsure

6.) Let's say someone you know is a butch woman who is attracted exclusively to other women, but she has no real interest in sex and doesn't experience sexual attraction to other people, though she's got no problem having sex if it means pleasing her partners. What would you call someone like this?

my hot take:  Of course, she is whatever she identifies as, but my impression of her before being told what her preferred labels are is:... (pick another answer from the identity labels above)

An ace lesbian

(and/or) A stone butch lesbian

[note about the 2nd response: yes, absolutely, but the point of this question is how people identify these traits - this person could identify as literally any and all of the terms listed here if she chose to, you would not be forcing any of these labels on her.  maybe a better way to word this question would have been “lets say YOU are [etc etc], bc the point isnt how well you force labels on strangers. i am against forcing labels on people.]

[note about the 3rd response: the woman in question is a lesbian, shes a woman attracted exclusively to other women. but i had no idea that bi/pan women had their own terms like that, thank you!]

[note about the 4th response: errrr, this is about two adults having consensual sex, the hypothetical lesbian is not being taken advantage of, and she would not be at fault if she WAS. people are not in the wrong for consenting to sex, if they happen to be asexual. what is wrong is taking advantage of people. sorry i dont mean to argue with any of the responses but this one, as a survivor of coercive sexual abuse, and someone who used to wholly consent to sex when i IDed as ace rubbed me ALL kinds of wrong ways.]

7.) Let's say someone you know is a cis man exclusively attracted to women sexually, but has no real interest in romance and doesn't experience romantic attraction to other people. What do you call someone like this?

my hot take: He can call himself whatever he wants, but it would bother me if he referred to himself as anything but...: (pick another answer from the identity labels above)

A cishet aro man

8.) A man calls himself bisexual because he is attracted to women and nonbinary people. How do you feel about this?

my hot take: I'm happy! He's respecting NB peoples' genders, which is something that's unfortunately rare. Good on him for not lumping in NB people with binary women. BUT: I hope he understands he doesn't experience the homophobic aspect of biphobia, he does not experience oppression on the axis of being same-gender attracted.

[note about the other responses: there are a lot of concerns expressed about fetishization wrt saying you are “attracted to” nonbinary people - what i meant to imply with that is that he does not exclude them from his dating pool, and that he does not lump them in with binary women. he is not a nonbinary chaser, and he is not identifying people as NB just by looking at them, he is taking them into account as they come into his life. so the comments about fetishizing dont really apply in this situation - that’s on me, sorry for not wording the question better!]

9.) How do you personally identify in terms of gender and sexuality? (Don't be afraid to use the "other" option if you don't see yourself represented here)

my hot take/identity: Bi

Nonbinary

Woman

Don’t call me SGA

10.) Do you feel there have been any real, tangible benefits from the discourse? If yes, choose the answer that best fits how you feel, or type something in the "other" box. If no, choose the answer that best fits how you feel.

my hot take: No, it's all seemed seriously pointless.

No, it's ruined a lot of my friendships and mutual follows I liked a lot.

No, it's made my time spent on Tumblr extremely tense, uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing. I wish it would just end already.

No, it's caused a rift in the LGBT community on Tumblr that I fear will never be repaired. I preferred when we were all unified, and we weren't arguing over who is and is not LGBT "enough." [note: we were never unified, but there was definitely a period on tumblr when FAR FEWER people were arguing about LGBT identities with each other within the community]

No, and I wish it never started at all. However, I've found like-minded peers who make it a bit more bearable.

No, it triggers a lot of bad feelings in me and leads me to argue much more than I normally would. It's almost impulsive, I can hardly stop, but I hate it and it hurts.

Yes, it's shown me that Tumblr is a hellhole beyond hope, and it's given me the strength to move partly/completely to Twitter/Discord/Mastodon/Etc.

Yes, I've learned who and what to avoid for the sake of my own mental health.

I'm a little conflicted on this one. Yes and no, I think. [Ideally pick another answer or two from the above that you agree with to explain exactly how "yes and no"]

so hm thats that i guess!! feel free to reblog this with your Hot Takes and whatnot but i am REALLY gonna request that no like, actual arguing/discourse/aggressive shittiness takes place on this post, this is a zone for people being nuanced and decent with each other and their Discourse.avi, not for your sick owns about the pure aceys or the oppressive allos or whatever