#nicolas cage characters i would fuck

[those-green-eyes]

You call me evil, but unfortunately for you, I'm a necessary evil. LORD OF WAR (2005)

[dc418writes]

✨Pairing✨: felon!Ari Levinsonxblack!reader

Summary🪄: Surprisingly, you’re Ari’s first stop when he gets out of prison

🚨: 18+ NO MINORS!! Ari (first and foremost because hello☝🏾lol), angst, talks of prison, allusion to violence (male-male), allusion to childhood trauma, a few bad language words, unprotected happy adult fun times (everyone please be safe!)

A/N🎤: Hi! So this is my entry for the Cum Together Extravaganza created by the amazing, talented, wonderful, whore-mone inducing @stargazingfangirl18 and @labella420 lol, and I hope everyone enjoys☺️! *This idea is loosely based off Nicolas Cage’s character from Con Air (if you know you know✨)

*DISCLAIMER!: although visual was created by me via Canva, I DO NOT CLAIM OWNERSHIP of pictures used as they were all found via Pinterest*

Prompt: Pining + Running into each other after a long time apart + Frantic Kisses

His heavy boots stop just a foot or two away from the familiar steps he’d climbed plenty of times before. A mix of emotions swirling through his brain causing a tightness in his chest.

He shouldn’t be here.

Not after he’d all but physically pushed you out the visitation room that day. A common tactic of self sabotage he developed over the years, along with his way of trying to protect you from the eventual hurt he knew he’d put you through.

You were so angelic that day. Your natural glow competing with the sun outside shining through the window against your soft skin seemingly made of gold. Brown eyes full of worry, yet still holding that sparkle Ari had never experienced from anyone before. This wasn’t a place for you to be. A place that would soon tarnish your purity - so white the freshest snow, having fallen directly from the sky above, seemed dirty.

“You’re hurt,” you stated wanting so badly to reach out and try to do something for the blue and purple bruise on his cheek. To clean the dried blood around the stitch in his right eyebrow, but you keep your hands to yourself following the strict “no touching” rule.

He only shrugged. Clearly uncaring of whatever happened, but there was also a dimness to his spirit.

Since your first meeting, you could tell there was something hidden behind the walls he’d built. Sense a complicated past before he felt comfortable enough to tell you some of what he’d gone through. However this was different. Past the point of reverting back to the old Ari that was known as a troubled, aloof hermit, it’s almost as if this was a completely different man.

“I uh wanted to bring you cookies, but the officer said no,” you started again, trying to change the subject since Ari wouldn’t tell you what happened. “Something about possible contraband smuggling? As if I could sneak something in a small cookie. Plus it’s me of all people! Where would I even get-,”

“Don’t come back here,” he finally spoke in that gruff voice. It takes you back at first, lightly chuckling to yourself thinking he was joking. His serious eyes - somewhat dark and with new adjoining bags from his lack of sleep - tell you otherwise quickly causing a furrow to your brows.

“Wha-What do you mean-?”

“You don’t need to be waiting for me. Just…leave.”

“B-But I love you Ari.”

He shakes his head before standing to his feet. “We’re done,” he calls over his shoulder as he reaches the metal door. Whoever was in charge apparently heard him from the pad shining green to grant him entrance back to the waiting hall where another officer met him to reapply his cuffs and escort him to his cell.

All the while ignoring your cries of his name and how you pleaded for him to talk to you.

But later that night, staring at the discolored white ceiling as he lied in his top bunk on an uncomfortable, lumpy mattress, it’s all he could hear. Those same tears that ran down your cheeks now silently running down his.

“Fuck,” he silently curses to himself while his fingers pass through his almond strands as he turns away - now hyper aware of how strange he probably looked to your neighbors just standing in your yard. He should’ve just gone to the halfway house he’d been recommended from the transfer counselor.

Try to stay far from you and this part of town for that matter.

He was slowly realizing though, that the heart he thought was closed off desperately craved attention only you could give. Only wanted your warm touch and smile that soothed a childhood ache he’d long suppressed.

Just as he moves to descend your stone path, the front door creaks open to staccato taps on your wooden porch. There’s a continuous clink of metal followed by excited barks as the black dachshund runs down the steps and around Ari’s feet.

“Barry! You can’t run-”

Beautiful as a painting in a museum, there you stood in your cut off jean shorts and some older looking shirt. Your hair much shorter than the last time he saw you eight years ago, but the pixie cut only brought more attention to your gorgeous face and adorable cheeks.

Other than that, it’s as if you hadn’t aged a day.

“A-Ari?,” you stammer stepping further out onto your porch.

He has to clear his throat to get rid of the nerves blocking his words from escaping. “I…I’m sorry for just showin’ up like this. Would’ve called, but when they gave me my phone back it was dead.”

“So..you’re out?”

“Yea,” he softly smiles. You don’t return it though looking as if you’d seen a ghost while staying planted on the top step. Even Barry had returned back to your side, circling a couple times until he felt comfortable enough to lie down. “This was a mistake. Clearly she doesn’t want you here.”

“I’ll uh leave then,” Ari says nervously scratching the back of his neck after a long - and awkward enough - moment of silence between you two. “I didn’t mean to bother-”

Before he can finish, you’re running down the steps - not caring of the dirt and grass on your bare feet. He’s prepared for your deserved anger, whether that be yelling, shoves, or even punches. Instead, your fists clasp the front of his shirt as you pull him down to meet your lips.

After years apart his hands still automatically find their usual place on your body bringing you closer. Ari’s right on the side of your neck, tilting your chin however he needed to gain the access to your mouth he missed, while his left dragged from your hip to the middle of your back holding you to him.

Your moan hitting him in a deep, long ignored place that has him embarrassed like a teenage boy how fast his blood runs southward.

The need for air has you both begrudgingly parting, while your foreheads stay connected. “I’m sorry..for everything,” he whispers letting his thumb graze along your petal soft bottom lip. It’s as if he thinks you’ll break he’s so gentle - like it’s a fragile piece of artwork he dared touch.

"I didn't-"

"Shh," you reply leaning up to peck his lips once more. "Later."

-

Your lips barely separate journeying the short distance from your front door to your bedroom. Both of them red and swollen, yet neither of you attempt to stop as your back hits the light blue comforter - fluffy and soft as a cloud.

His hands grip your thighs curling along his sides, yet fail to move where you need them most making you whimper as his mouth slides to your neck. Taking matters into your own hands, you pull his shirt over his muscled back - silently giggling to yourself and filling with a sense of pride hearing his pleasured groan as your nails rake against his warm skin.

They’re set for his buckle next, but Ari’s quick to use his rougher and stronger ones to pin on either side of your head. “Ari please,” you whine eagerly trying to grind your hips so your soaking core can get some type of relief. You know he’s desperate for something too briefly nudging the tent formed in front of his pants.

“I know, I know.” He unsuccessfully tries to kiss the pout from your lips. “I..I wanna take my time tonight. It’s been eight years sweetheart.”

The deprived and needy part of you wants to counter, urging him for the opposite since it’s been so long. Instead, you nod letting him completely take control.

Slowly, he helps remove your clothes before open mouth kisses and taps of his tongue flow down from your neck and across your heaving chest to your stomach. You moan arching your back to lift your breasts closer to his face when he returns there taking his time attacking one nipple with his tongue while the other is groped and plucked in his free hand.

By the time he finally reaches your waiting and wet core, it only takes one lick and your sweet release is covering his beard.

“S-Sorry,” you stammer feeling your skin heat even more from shame not wanting that to happen so quickly.

“Sorry?,” he softly chuckles before leaving a kiss on your mound. “That’s what’s supposed to happen.”

The sound nearly has you in tears knowing your Ari was back. The one you knew loved you just as much as you loved him.

Having had a taste after going so long without, he can’t wait for more switching between his skillful tongue and fingers until your juices flow again, His mouth attached to you; greedily slurping everything you could give him. Your fingers are seemingly locked in his hair as he rises enough to remove his pants. Grunting as he grabs the base - past the point of painfully hard - to direct himself inside you.

“Fuck,” he moans into your neck feeling you rapidly pulse around him. So warm and tight he has to restrain himself from taking you like a wild animal.

Not that you would mind.

“M’not gonna last baby.”

“Spose to happen,” you slur clutching around him urging him to move.

His hand tightly pinning your hip to the bed, his thrusts start slow yet hard before gaining speed the closer he feels. Simultaneously, your cries of his name get louder as well while his mouth and tongue move along your neck and earlobe.

“Shit, I feel you right there baby come on. Come with me.” You can’t comprehend anything with your brain in this foggy, love drunk state, yet somehow your body complies when his thumb finds your swollen and throbbing nub squirting against his skin and down to the sheets below. “Mm good girl.”

His final pumps have you filled until no more can stay. A small mix of both your releases leaking from your hole with every surge of his hips until he’s drained.

Exhausted, he carefully tries to pull out but your whines have him stopping. Softly smiling to himself while slowly lowering until he’s comfortably laying on top of you. “Calm down I’m here.”

Soon your even breaths fill his ears and he’s able to lie on his side - gently moving you with him- to completely take in the area surrounding him. His fingertips mindlessly tracing along your thigh as he reacquaints himself to your bedroom. It was fitting for you in every way, from the light yellow of the walls to the books lining the shelves he built for you long ago. Your few stuffed animals in a wicker basket in the corner as if they were prepared for bed themselves.

Ari notices one in particular - a white bunny with long ears and pink bows he bought you during a trip to the store one day - on your dresser next to a framed picture you must’ve secretly took. He appeared to be taking a break from something dressed in a gray tee, dark jeans, and work-boots with his utility belt on his hips. A bottle of water in his hand lifted to his lips as he looked off somewhere in the distance. Now that he thought about it, he was watching a bird peck the ground trying to find bugs or seeds to eat.

And he looked so peaceful. So calm for once in his tormented life. He had you to thank for that being kind and willing enough to share your light when he fought so hard against it.

In the bit of moonlight peeking through the blinds, he can make out ‘Home’ in the corner of the picture causing the slightest curl to his lips as he holds you closer.

“You kept putting up with me,” he quietly speaks pecking your temple. “So patient even after everything. Know I’m never leavin you again sweetheart. I’m home for good.”

[understandableparadox]

I think a fundamental problem with a lot of vampire media is that a vampire is not supposed to be a zombie. it is supposed to be a human who surrendered to their own vices and flaws. the flaws of cowardice in the face of death and the vices of pleasure and gluttony.

which is why vampires can be made very versatile. As much as I don't really like Twilight, it is still a story of dealing with vices with creatures that fundamentally have allowed themselves to be dominated by them.

which is why i really like the movie Renfield.

THATS RIGHT YOU BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO READ A SCATCHING BITCH AND MOAN SESSION ABOUT THE SATURATION OF SHITTY VAMPIRE MOVIES BUT NOW YOUR TRAPPED HERE READING MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS ON A NICK CAGE MOVIE, SIT DOWN SWEETHEART IM NOT GONNA BE DONE YAPPING FOR A FUCKING COUNTRY MINUTE

Renfield 2023 is a movie starring Nicholas Hoult, Nicolas Cage and Awkwafina.

Renfield if you do not know is the fanatical familiar from the original bram stokers dracula movie. the human who in exchange for aiding dracula in their dark dealings would perhaps gift him with the same dark curse, making renfield a fellow child of the night.

This movie takes place Years afterwards after a very serious battle with the last vampire hunters of the modern day and age. Dracula has suffered Severe damage from the fight and has Renfield aid him in taking refuge within the depths of an asylum while he recovers.

Here we get into the meat and potatoes of the movie, as much of a sin as it sounds, it does focus on nick cage as dracula but instead on nicholas holt as the aforementioned Stooge prime renfield. Renfield, between his random killings in order to sate the blood lust of his master, becomes more and more acquainted with the new modern world, undergoing the most harrowing journey of them all...

Therapy. 

Renfield over the years has lost his spark of mad fanaticism and is worried not only with his relationship with Dracula but his relationship with himself. Aiding at least one by attending an abusive partners support group to find victims. Mostly abusive partners and criminals.  

This is very notable because it's already setting up the original themes of vampires. Your cowardice and your vices. It sets up Renfield as a true coward whose vice is his love of dracula, or more exactly his desire to  Be Like dracula. Enough so that even though he wants to feel better about himself- to feel less like a monster- he still follows dracula's demands in killing people who he has decided to pass judgment on. 

Oh sorry i forgot a detail, renfield is a power ranger and his morpher is eating bugs. He gains some vampire powers everytime he eats a bug and does some john wick shit but thats not my deal, i dont care if renfield can do a sick back flip and punch a guy (complete fucking lie, the action scenes in this movie are so god damn rad sometimes, please watch this movie, please please please!!!)

The movie splits into a couple of different story lines. One being Renfield attempting to balance his burgeoning need to have a functioning moral compass and his romance with awkwafina character, rebecca the detective. Rebecca the detective attempting to balance both the rash of murder cases and a rash of mob related crimes in order to avenge her father, and the mob themselves attempting to figure out who is wiping out their foot soldiers. 

I'm not going to harp on the story for long so let's start talking about renfield. 

Renfield is a hypocrite, and it's made apparent throughout the film that he is a hypocrite. Despite wanting to be a good person he is still a murder. He has doomed multiple people to die across the world. He left his wife and child to be with dracula. He has done so much to cut himself off from his own humanity that it's almost insane that he wants to run back to it because Dracula has not yet answered renfields desire to be a true vampire. 

This all is blended into the idea of having dracula be a parallel to an abusive narcissistic partner in a relationship. Which in all accounts throughout the movie is true and we're going to bounce back and forth from that for a bit so buckle up bud. 

The main ire of the movie is that Renfield wants to push his problems that he has gained away onto Dracula without acknowledging his roles in them. Again we see that cowardice. Renfield cannot stand to see his own faults. He listens to Dracula both out of fear and admiration. At the start of the movie I mentioned that Dracula sustained heavy hits from the last vampire hunters. Well I forgot to mention how he survived. Lets go ahead and listen in Real Close to what he says 

The hunters had dracula dead to rights if you can dare to pardon my puns. Trapped in a binding circle, burning in holy flames and about to get skewered through his heart. The dialogue is specific, Dracula makes no specific promises but notes that Renfield is complicit and that regardless of whatever Dracula has done, he is still his greatest ally. We play on that cowardice and that vice. That desire to be near dracula or be like dracula contrasted with his fear of the repercussions of his actions. 

Snap back to reality and we see that Renfield is still struggling with this. He does not want to face the repercussions of his actions so he continues doing as instructed by Dracula while also indulging in his vices, his desire for escapism by delving into all of these new things. Vigilantism, pushing his problems onto dracula, pretending that he is at the moment capable of having a new life while still using dracula's powers to attain it. 

Ah but now we need to introduce the main concept of this film. That being the portrayal of Dracula as an abusive partner with narcissism. Dracula plays on renfields, and says it with me in class, Vices and Cowardice. He knows what to say to make Renfield back down. He knows all his fuck ups and exactly what renfield wants, that being to have a simple life with dracula, but not in a gay way of course, we still have to have a straight romance sub plot, i mean its insane to think that renfield wants to bone dracula its not like dracula promises to be his salvation while he is suspended in air in a soft whispery voice while renfield stares at him with all the gale of a oculerly enlarged puppy but hey what do i know? I unironiclly read isekais, my media literacy must be that of a brain dead lemur. 

We can see this played out in this scene here

Dracula knows how to keep the hook in renfield's mouth both taught and loose enough to keep him at the perfect level of knuckle dragging dejection to ensure that he runs back begging. In that while yes he is right that renfield at so many points gave in to his own desires and *coy eye to the audience as I listen to them scream “vices” at me.*. He has begun to make an earnest attempt to become a better person. Better late than never. 

Thus renfields true growth is him rejecting that which made him so close with dracula, the rejection of what makes a vampire and vampire. He embraces his cowardice by both admitting to what he is and now allowing himself to push his own crimes onto dracula, and then standing up to dracula, and then rejecting his vices when once again dracula makes him the same offer. To be that same shield towards himself and his own shortcomings rather than deal with a life without a master. Despite it being possible in the future coming with the promise of being a full vampire like himself. 

Look guys, let's not juggle bowling pins and call it arm wrestling, Watch Renfield. Its a good movie and nick cage is fucking awasome, thanks.

[spaceorphan18]

Ok if you were going to write one of these Glee/Bridgerton AUs, which would you pick: (1) It takes place in the Bridgerton world, but Blaine replaces Colin and Kurt replaces Penelope (2) it takes place in the Glee world, but Colin replaces Blaine and Penelope replaces Kurt.

Elaborations and tangents most appreciated!

Sorry, Nonny, I couldn't help it. It's been kind of hilarious as of late to realize just how much all of my favorite ships/stories have similar dynamics in them. And I'm not even trying!!

This is a fascinating question though...

Option 1: I still feel like I can write Klaine in my sleep, so this would probably be the easier one to write. However - this historical romance thing with them has done a lot, and I feel like I've read it a lot. Most notably, a fic I really enjoyed back in the day was The Gilded Cage which takes place in the late 19th century opposed to the early 19th century, but it's a really good exploration of what their dynamics might be like in a much earlier period of time.

Option 2: I don't feel comfortable enough with Pen and Colin to write them, but a modern day interpretation of their story would be fascinating. I probably wouldn't put them in the Glee world, though. Those poor characters do not deserve the Ryan Murphy treatment. (Though having Rachel Berry interact with anyone outside her own universe is always hilarious.)

You could do a rom-com thing with them though set in modern day that'd be a lot of fun. Their story would translate pretty easily and be a lot of fun to reinterpret. Like, they could have been friends growing up, and she had a crush on him in high school, and they go off to college in different places, and then end up back in, like, New York City or LA or something. And she'd work for some kind of tabloid and he'd be a travel writer and they kind of rediscover each other and there's professional jealousy and longing and Eloise and Cressida Cowper blackmailing them and omg, I almost want to write this now....

****

I can sketch you out a short little hybrid, though, of Kurt and Blaine's reactions to the show (because it was in my head)...

Season 1 :

Kurt: Oh my god these costumes are amazing! *claps hands* But why the fuck do they keep putting Penelope in yellow? Those dresses are hideous on her - don't they know Nicola Coughlin is a queen?

Blaine: I don't really understand how Simon would rather die than admit he's in love Daphne. Like, what even is that??

Season 2:

Kurt: Do you think I could buy one of the Queen's wigs on ebay when the show finally wraps?

Blaine: Why is Anthony even bothering with the sister? He clearly loves Kate. Why doesn't he just declare it and marry her instead?

Season 3:

Kurt: Cressida Cowper you conniving bitch I do love you, but what the fuck is on your head?

Blaine: I may be having an existential crisis - I think that when they wrote Colin they looked into my soul.

[tobiasdrake]

Examining MK1 Characters: Earthrealm

Alright, I want to take a moment and go character-by-character to share opinions on the new versions of Mortal Kombat characters in Liu Kang's new timeline.

Let's start with the giant fucking sausage fest that is the Earthrealmers. I don't know what possessed Netherrealm to restrict "being female" to a trait solely possessed by aliens. IDK. But Kang's like, "Time to collect my warriors, no women allowed. Earthrealm is a Boys' Club now, and that is final!"

Maybe he's super creeped out that Johnny reproduced in the last timeline and is determined to stop that shit from ever happening again. Joke's on him 'cause Johnny still finds love anyway.

Liu Kang/Raiden

I'm putting these two together because they square danced into each other's spots so they compare more to each other than to themselves.

How does Kang compare to Raiden? Honestly, I loved him. As Protector God, Kang has a lot more personality than Raiden ever did. Raiden's always gone for this emotionless almighty deity approach, while Kang's performance shows a lot more of the humanity we know he carries with him. He emotes more.

Any time Raiden would speak with his champions, you could feel the godly distance between him and them. He wants them to prevail, but he is a being who is far detached from them and it carries in his lofty performance. But when Liu Kang speaks to his champions, you can feel his compassion. How much he genuinely cares. There's a likable softness to him that Raiden's never had. He meets people at their level because he remembers what it feels like to be there.

He is their god. But he engages with them as if he were a friend. Even when he reveals that he is the Creator God of the universe itself, he rejects any deference. I love that about him. Liu Kang is Best God.

Raiden/Liu Kang

For his part, Raiden is... He's almost an afterthought. I was worried he would overtake the story; That the writers would push too hard trying to make him the "new" Liu Kang. Rather than let anyone else shine, they'd swap Raiden and Kang's roles completely.

Instead, the opposite happened? Raiden is barely even in this story. He becomes Earthrealm's Champion and gets to show off his fighting skills to Sindel. Then he's dropped from the story almost entirely. He's a nice guy who punches well. He was not as good at punching as Kung Lao is, until one day, he was better. That's it. That's his entire plot.

Johnny Cage

Johnny's a hard character for writers to nail down. He's a self-important jackass and a great hero. Comically full of himself and a highly formidable martial artist who can hang with the best of 'em. His portrayals often struggle to capture that balance, veering too far towards either "Useless Clown" or "Totally reformed and genuinely virtuous".

MK1 struck that balance well. We get endless reminders of how Hollywood shallow Johnny is, without making a complete joke out of him. He's genuinely invested in being here and his character ending even reframes the whole "Johnny makes movies about his adventures" thing into a form of PR.

Kang wants to reveal the truth to the world, and the medium for that is Johnny's films. That's clever. I like it.

Johnny even gets to have a character arc. It's... not great? Like, his bromance with Kenshi is strong. But he opens his story with his wife leaving him because he's let his celebrity go to his head and burned all his wealth on trinkets and doo-dads. But then the trinkets and doo-dads wind up being his ticket into becoming a true hero, so actually it's good that he's Nicolas Cage-ing it up as hard as he can?

That sort of setup is usually supposed to inform us about a fatal flaw that the character must overcome. But instead, Johnny's rewarded for it. There's even a scene where he gets to use one of his money-sink toys to help the plot, while bragging about how wrong his nagging ex was. So I guess the central message around his ex-wife is just, "Man, bitches, amirite? Always trying to hold you back."

Meanwhile, the payoff to his arc is that Johnny returns Sento to Kenshi. But there's no indicator of character growth or development. The only thing that's changed between them since yesterday is that Kenshi had his eyes gouged out; That makes this come off like a gesture of pity rather than growth.

"Man, I would be a real heel to keep holding on to your sacred family treasure after you got disabled like that."

The intent is clear; This is meant to demonstrate the strength of their growing friendship. It feels like Johnny's still hanging onto Sento more to playfully tease Kenshi than because he genuinely feels entitled to it. But we don't get to see that growth. They trained together offscreen and now they're bros.

Speaking of which,

Kenshi

Kenshi gets a lot of focus and expansion in MK1. Prior to this, he was always "Wandering swordsman does swords real good in the name of Earthrealm". MK1 expands his character, delving deep into his clan's history and establishing grounded ties to the physical world. They do a great job of making Kenshi feel like a fleshed out character.

What they don't do well is making him into Kenshi. Adaptations/reboots/etc. sometimes come off janky when it comes to explaining how the character became the thing that's iconic about them. Sometimes it can feel like the Chains of Iconicity simply wrapped around them and dragged them inorganically into resembling their counterparts.

(This happens a lot to Jax, who has to have his arms ripped off in every portrayal somehow to justify his robot arms, even though the original had them installed apropos of nothing. He felt cool robot arms would make him stronger, so he got 'em.)

MK1 Kenshi is 100% a Chains of Iconicity character. He needs to get blinded somehow, so Mileena jams a pair of sais all the way through his eyes and somehow fails to puncture his brain. Then he needs to get Sento, so Johnny spontaneously hands 'er over without a fuss. Then he needs to gain spirit telekinesis, so Sento suddenly goes, "Hey, I'm a ghost sword and you have spirit telekinesis now." Even Kenshi's confused by how abrupt and un-foreshadowed that is.

It would feel like a random bullshit twist yanked straight out of the writer's ass if we, the audience, didn't already know it was a thing and expect it from a Kenshi-shaped character. He spends most of his journey as an interesting and organic character but then he suddenly gets kidnapped and pounded into a Kenshi mold.

Kung Lao

Kung Lao is the most consistent of the Earthrealmers. Which is to say, he's fine. All the Kung Lao stuff is there. He longs for greatness. He's devoted to protecting Earthrealm. He's part of the team. Raiden goes from nobody to champion and also Kung Lao is there. Johnny and Kenshi embark on this big mission and also Kung Lao is there.

He rarely stands out but he's certainly one of the boys. This feels like neither a step up nor a step down from past portrayals, where he was the other Shaolin guy standing next to Liu Kang while Kang was doing plot stuff. Kung Lao rarely gets to be distinctive or interesting. It's his curse to always dwell in the shadow of characters with more narrative focus.

Scorpion

Why is he Scorpion? Unclear. They go hard on making their Scorpion into a composite character of Kuai Liang and Hanzo Hasashi, even to the point of having him found the Shirai Ryu and marry Harumi. (And boy does that first Invasion want you to know this is what happened.)

It never stops feeling weird to see Scorpion running around as Sub-Zero's Lil' Bro. Even when they inevitably schism, Scorpion being outraged because Sub-Zero is a disgrace to the Lin Kuei remains utterly surreal from beginning to end.

Scorpion never feels like Scorpion; He always feels like Sub-Zero (the one we know) doing a cosplay.

As for the schism itself, this worked for me. Kuai Liang having to flee the Lin Kuei because their Grandmaster is a douche is one of those Iconic Things that has to occur, but having that schism with a living Bi-Han is unique and interesting. More on that in....

Sub-Zero

Bi-Han is the original Sub-Zero, but his Chains of Iconicity thing is Noob Saibot. Bi-Han typically exists to die immediately so he can come back as Saibot. This is the first time since the obscure platformer MK Mythologies: Sub-Zero that Bi-Han's been allowed to be an active player in events unfolding.

He more or less slots into the role of the unnamed Lin Kuei Grandmaster responsible for the cybernetic program that gives us Sektor and Cyrax. A supremely sinister figure involved in a major intra-factional conflict that previously occurred entirely offscreen. At once the wicked mastermind of a major development in the story and such an irrelevant footnote of a character that he never even warranted a name.

Kicking that role over to Bi-Han for the reboot is a strong choice. It puts an actual character into the lead position of this development and promises interesting things for the future. They took a character with no story to speak of and a story with no character to speak of, and fit them together like jigsaw pieces. Well played.

Smoke

Also Smoke is nearby.

Smoke is the Kung Lao of the Lin Kuei. Kuai Liang and Bi-Han have their drama, and also Smoke is nearby. In fact, he's so nearby that he gets punted from the story for the sake of the emotional Sub-Zero Bros having their showdown together, then jogs up to Liang afterwards like, "Yo, what'd I miss?"

It's hilarious how little the game cares about Smoke. If this is how you're going to handle him, why is he even here? XD

Sadly, this is not much of a change from previous portrayals. Smoke has always been "And Smoke". He's been Sub-Zero and Smoke, he's been Noob Saibot and Smoke, but much like And Kung Lao, "And Smoke" is the story of his life.

[donnerpartyofone]

7, 17, 27, 37, 47, 57

Woah, thanks for all the numbers! I did 7 in the previous post, but let's see:

17. "opinion on insecurities" hahaha, I didn't even read all of these before I reblogged that thing! My most immediate reaction is that sometimes when you're trying to have an honest reckoning with your flaws and handicaps, people tell you you're just being insecure, and this is one of the central frustrations of my entire existence. If you're forced to constantly pretend that you're awesome and capable of anything, it makes it a lot harder to come to terms with what isn't working. But everyone has insecurities I think, they're probably unavoidable. I guess some people base their entire personality around an insecurity and that's not great, but I think the only thing to do is to try to be honest and lucid about your weaknesses. That's the only point you can proceed from.

27. If I gave you a real accounting of all the things I hate, you would regret it! It's a lot of things, TOO MANY things. I'll just pick one for now: I hate movies about characters who are sort of reclusive, where other characters mob up on them and force them to participate in society as if this is a great gift, as if all human beings want the same thing and that thing is extreme amounts of attention and activity, as if no human being could possibly just enjoy their own company and some peace and quiet. There are a lot of variations on this theme but a good example is THE STATION AGENT. I was like, what the fuck, leave that guy alone!

37. Hmm I also have a lot of favorite actors since I spend most of my time watching movies. Last night I rewatched the incredible THE WORLD'S GREATEST SINNER and I was thinking about how Timothy Carey is like Nicolas Cage before Nicolas Cage, like they're descended from the same stock somehow. They even look alike to me. And then I was thinking about how Michael Moriarty has that same kind of manic, improvisational energy, and all three men are tall. Actually Nic Cage isn't as tall as I always think he is, but Moriarty is 6'3" and Carey was a little over. So Timothy Carey and Nicolas Cage have more similar faces, but Michael Moriarty and Timothy Carey are more the same height. I do not know what this is meant to prove.

47. "Turn ons," eh? I'm prejudicially inclined toward people who are really smart and articulate, but I also like it when people are strangely naive and sweet. I like hairy, vascular forearms and hands, and glasses, and widow's peaks. I like people who have obsessions. I'm totally straight but I'm fascinated by tough, androgynous women and tomboys. I like men who look like weird movie villains. I am attracted to basically all weird movie villains.

But now I want to volunteer one "turn off" from #48, which is that I have zero tolerance for people who are really into deliriously dysfunctional sadomasochistic relationships. Which is what most media will tell you is "true love" or something, and it does look pretty good from the outside, I mean who doesn't want to dissolve into a morbid, swooning obsession? But having experienced a couple of those things, it became very clear to me that they are essentially infantile, ugly, and stupid, and people who insist on that dynamic are like a baby who cries over their shitty diaper and pisses in your face when you try to change it for them. I almost miss being able to enjoy that type of libidinous delirium, but the whole thought of it just makes me sick now. People who pretend to be vampires are never as cool as they want you to think they are.

57. My favorite animal is all reptiles. I like a lot of animals, but reptiles and amphibians more than anything. Right now I'm doing this study of Italian cannibal movies which I knew were full of animal cruelty, but somehow I managed to forget that reptiles seem to get the worst of it. :(

[pb-dot]

Film Friday: The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

Nicolas Cage is one of those people that I would describe as both Talented and also very much an Acquired Taste. Do not misunderstand, the man puts his entire everything into everything he does and never seems to think the material is beneath him, but this has a multiplicative effect on the quality of the movie he's in. Wicker Man (2006,) for example, is such a tough viewing experience because Nicolas Cage, bless him, is acting the entire shit out of a screenplay that is beyond garbage. The screenplay of today's movie, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is the furthest thing from garbage, and so, the man really shines in it. To get to all the juicy details of why this movie is so goddamn good I'm going to have to spoil some stuff, and I really recommend you watch this one blind, so if you haven't seen it yet get to it, it's great, you'll love it.

Nicolas Cage is struggling financially, in interpersonal relationships, and artistically, that is to say the fictionalized character based on Cage's persona does this at the start of the movie. How the real Nicolas Kim Coppola, as he is credited in this film, is doing I could not tell you. After deciding to give up on his dream to be a capital-A Actor, Cage decides to take a high-paying gig visiting a rich Nick Cage fan on his birthday. It turns out, however, that Javi (played by the ever-excellent Pedro Pascal) is suspected of being a cartel crime lord, and Cage finds himself press-ganged by the CIA to spy on his new friend, who also is trying to get Cage into his film passion project.

It might not surprise you to hear this, but the movie about making a movie (and also some spy stuff) is quite meta with itself. As Javi and Cage discuss the screenplay, the genre of the film we're in shifts. It's about two men, it's explorative and wacky when they take LSD, it's tense and thrillerlike when they discuss conflicts between the dual protagonists. Cage suggests escalating the art film plot into full action movie madness in the third act and wouldn't you know it that happens in the story around him too. It's not the world's cleverest metafiction, but it's earnest and stays with the concept the entire way.

Now, as I have alluded to earlier, Cage acts up a storm in this movie, playing the relatively normal-ish Nick Cage persona as well as this strange semi-emo theater kid persona of his that torments him as a sort of art conscience. I do commend the film for letting "regular" Cage be a more or less normal person though. I think the temptation to make Cage be a bit more larger-than-life and out there to match his biggest parts definitely was there, but letting him be a normal-ish (but certainly strange) guy was a smart move for the tone of the film.

That said, Nicolas Cage isn't actually my favorite actor in the movie. To my surprise, it was Pedro Pascal that really stole the show. Now Pascal is a good actor, I hope I'm not blowing any minds there, but I would not have clocked him out-acting Cage. Part of it, I think, is the role. Javi is a fucking FASCINATING character, the way subdued intensity in the first act and a half or so makes you wonder if he's being intense in that "cool murder man about to do a murder on you" way or just in the "a film nerd that's really extra about how they talk about their favorite subject" way. It's hilarious, and also impressive to see how Pedro's acting style doesn't really change when it is revealed that he is merely a figurehead and his cousin is running all the cartel murder business. The thing that changes most is the context we read his acting in. He's a dork, a mostly harmless dork who's in way over his head but he thinks it's REALLY cool that Nickolas Cage is there and helping him figure it out. It's a very fun trick of cinematography, but a lot of it also rides on Pascal's deftness in portraying Restrained Aggression.

Now is this thing flawless? It comes pretty close in my book, but there still are some slight sticking points. The movie does perhaps rely a bit too heavily on the semi-ironic "too cool to hold an opinion" love for the melodrama of Con Air and sheer Inside Baseball weirdness of Face-Off, which honestly are some pretty surface-level Cage cuts that fail to take in the totality of what makes Cage such a compelling actor. Granted, it might be riskier to assume the wider audience is familiar with Cage works like Mandy, The Sorceror's Apprentice, Drive Angry or Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, if you would allow my hipster side to flourish briefly.

The movie also builds up just a skootch too hard on the third act genre metamorphosis for my taste. Sure, the fact that it's overwrought action movie nonsense at the tail end of a rather grounded experience is part of the joke, but I feel like going for the relatively clean style of 90's action over a more contemporary interpretation of the same might've been funnier.

When all is said and done, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is a pleasant, fun movie. Yes, it's yet another "meta celebration of the movies," but its dedication to exploring its potential makes it one of the better examples in modern time in my book. Cage is fun to have on screen, and the interplay with Pascal really gets some career-best work out of both of them. It might be an acting cliche at this point, but I don't think I'll ever get tired of Good Actors acting out roles of people who are Bad At Acting, or even Good Actors acting out characters who are Decent Actors Not Delivering Their Career Best Right Now. As for the movie itself? It's fun, it's nerdy, it's kinda dumb but kinda smart about it, go see it!

[noirgasmweetheart]

The worst thing about the 1983 TV series of "Casablanca" is the missed opportunity of Ray Liotta staring in that train wreck.

I mean you have Ray Liotta, tough guy of mafia movies, and majestic ham of the fantasy B-movie "In the Name of the King"....and you cast him as Sascha?

If you're going to bastardize the Greatest Movie Ever Made, I can't think of a more entertaining star to ham it up as Rick Blaine than Liotta. It would have been gold. They were so close to B-movie magic.

I'm also extremely disappointed that neither series risked fucking up Ugarte, because that would also have been a roit. Whether it was someone attempting a terrible Peter Lorre impression, or a pathetic attempt to re-imagine the character in some ridiculous way, it would have been a treat.

As it is, both shows are just bad enough to be awful, but not enough to be entertaining.

If I could rewind time and make ass-trocious "Casablanca" reboot, I'd do it in the 1990s, when that hideous colorized version came out. And my cast would be:

Ray Liotta as Rick Blaine

Nicolas Cage as Victor Laszlo

Elizabeth Berkley as Ilsa Lund

John Malcovich as Captain Louis Renault

Jeremy Irons as Major Strasser

Samuel L. Jackson (in his pre-memetic-badass days) as Sam

Brad Dourif attempting a Hungarian accent as Ugarte

Richard Griffiths (Vernon Dursley) hamming it up as Ferrari

Bob Saget as Sascha.

I mourn the classic riff bait that either of the "Casablanca" shows might have been.

[always-andromeda]

Hello, Meda! Let’s say, hypothetically, for the sake of the argument, I was considering checking out some of Pedro’s roles to start pooooossibly writing for him. What shows/movies would you recommend to a total newbie? 👁️

Eli!! Hey!! 🫶🏻☺️

I’m leaving all my recommendations under the cut since I went on for a stupidly long amount of time lmao.

I would say that it depends on what kind of media you’re in the mood to consume right now!! My good reliable recommendation is always The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. That one features one of my favorite Pedro boys, Javi Gutierrez. He’s an absolute sweetheart and even though I’m not a massive Nicolas Cage fan, him and Pedro are such an enjoyable duo. It’s one of my go-to comfort films since it’s pretty lighthearted!!

Another good goofy one is The Bubble. Here, he plays Dieter Bravo. An aging, paranoid, somewhat washed up actor who has…so many fucking issues…so many of them. The movie itself isn’t fantastic (in my opinion lmao), it takes place during the earlier days of the pandemic so a lot of the humor it employs is very reminiscent of the time. But it’s still a fun watch, if only for the sake of our favorite trash panda.

In a similar, still somewhat lighthearted vein, I’d recommend Kingsman: The Golden Circle. It’s an action film with plenty of goofs and gaffs. In this one, Pedro plays a classic cowboy, Jack Daniels, also known as “Whiskey.” He’s got the southern charm, the lasso, and ever so slight himbo vibes.

I would say that quintessential Pedro is him as Joel in The Last of Us, Javier Peña in Narcos, and Din Djarin in The Mandalorian. Those are easily some of his most memorable roles in my mind and that’s for good reason!! They’re the parts where I think he really shines as an actor. However, I would highly recommend taking a look over content warnings for both The Last of Us and Narcos since both shows deal with some possibly triggering material if you’re not familiar with either of them!!

Last but not least, my underrated pick: him as Ezra in Prospect. Prospect was one of those films I didn’t think much of at first, but it’s lowkey one of my favorites. Ezra by himself is such a fascinating character but it’s also a great example of how well he bounces off of other actors?? He and Sophie Thatcher play off of each other so well (though I may be a tiny bit biased because I also adore Sophie lol). So if you’re ever in a little bit of a sci-fi mood, I would definitely recommend diving into Prospect!!

Keep in mind, there are so many other roles he’s played. His career spans all the way back to the 90s. Aside from the more well known things he’s been in, there are more indie projects he’s been a part of and little roles that he’s taken on various shows. I very strongly believe that there’s a Pedro boy for everyone and I hope you have fun delving into the insanity!! 💛

[melonpalooza]

Alright listen up you 🫵

This is now an appreciation ask for the Last Ronin Discord server because it is absolutely amazing and it has been bouncin’ around the think sludge.

When first reading tlrd, a concept that brings to life what a bunch of TMNT fans been wanting…a crossover and throws in a few hooks to keep you excitedly reading the chat fic.

Hook 1, the identity:

By setting up Ronin as mystery it hooks the reader to keep reading not so we find out the identity of the ronin because a lot people already know but for the other turtles to find out who this mysterious turtle is.

However once it’s revealed, (and it’s done absolutely excellently!) the reader is already staying for the shenanigans, the characters that feel written well enough that it feels like something the canon versions of those characters would do. (With exceptions where some bits feels like you put your own interests as well and those are also extremely enjoyable to read!)

The second hook, is one I didn’t suspect that I needed but wanted anyway. The other turtles finding out the biggest tragedy of Ronin’s life…his father, and why his brothers aren’t on the server.

The third hook is the new arrivals (fanfic crossovers and Mutant Mayhem Galore)!

At this point, we’ve seen the discord server through Ronin’s eyes but now we get to see through other newly arrivals eyes as well.

One more hook I thought about that might be one or might be not….the mystery behind the server as well.

We know Ronin’s Donnie made it.

But for what purpose? Was this a small beta and was going to create a bigger project with it? Or was a back up plan?

Did he know he was going to die and try to leave his brother something so he wouldn’t be lonely?

Is it ai? Is the server alive in the same way monster house is or is there something more?

Anyways so to go on a Rise Donnie-like tangent there. But I just wanted to say that I love the Last Ronin Discord Server series and it’s my favorite fanfics with how chaotic, intriguing and well written it is!

aah i'm getting pointed at!! alkjdasda

omg thank you so much??? the big text scared me for a bit but reading this made me so so so happy!!! you would not believe!!!! thank you thank you thank you!!! i love this i love this i love thisss!!!!

im the yellow blob you're the pink tiny blob (platonically ofc)

there's a lot of references to my other personal interests and i'm glad you enjoy reading them!! i restrained myself in making it all about my personal interests or else this fic is just gonna be 30 more chapters but me making reviews about video games and movies i've watched. things i almost wrote a chapter about:

tears of the kingdom

cocaine bear

RRR

Renfield (bc ben schwartz is in it and hearing rise!leo's voice shout "fuck you! fuck you! fuck all of you!" with his full chest was wild bc i was half paying attention to that scene and did a double take. also nicolas cage is dracula. asdljasd)

also i hinted on why the discord exists and why ronin's donnie made it in a previous collab ;0 i won't say which one bc that'd be too easy!!! let's just say...don has contingency plans. <: (a possible ((adjacent, not direct)) hint or two exists in the addendums as well)

[howdytheresam]

What dbd characters do you main and what are your favs outside of those two 🎤

out of the ones i main/mained i used to main feng min a lot, but currently main ash williams. i liked feng min for her perks with the generators because i was awful at getting them. eventually i found out they had ash in dbd and out of excitement of seeing a horror media i knew i bought him. i don’t really play killer and only got the basic guys id probably main if i had to play killer, the doctor? or wraith

quick side thing love ash being in dbd but he is so loud when injured. walk by me, an ash main in game and all you will hear is old man panting gasping for breath

favorite survivors outside of them would probably be laurie strode, bill overbeck, rebecca chambers, leon kennedy, jill valentine, nicolas fucking cage, and yui kimura.

killers michael myers, huntress, pyramid head, unkown, and nemesis. albert wesker isn’t on that list because fuck alber and nemesis is there because of one round i had one jjfksk

another off topic i love bill being in dbd and that it is just bill because of the context of his story in l4d1

[fjordfjucks]

[lights 15 cigarettes]

you know, if the flash movie had actually been good, i would have admitted it. i would have put all my personal feelings aside to admit that they'd actually manage to make a good flash movie. but that was 2 and a half hours of nothing. nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing emotional, nothing innovative. nothing. they put a baby in a microwave. kara had 5 minutes of screentime. half the movie looked like a fortnite loading screen. the only 2 people who could act were both batman. cgi nicolas cage was there. and still- STILL -they don't know who barry allen is. they have no fucking clue who their main character is. that movie was so unbelievably boring i held the shit i needed to take for over an hour just so i wouldnt have to pause the movie and extend the time it would take from my day. horrific.

[ziracona]

I just want to say though thank you for writing ILM and all your other DBD fics. I don't think i can truly articulate just how spectacular the writing is and the impact they've had on me and countless others. My friends and i joke that ILM changed our brain chemistry, and the truth is that they're right.

The way you write about human emotions and experience even in an uncontested hellscape is unparalleled. The way the fear of pain and death never truly goes away, the knowledge that you know you're going to suffer but still hoping that maybe this time will be different - it is entirely what people are made up of. Of hope and determination and courage.

The moments of levity in a world made to cause the utmost of despair. The care and love, and how persistence can win out.

I also adore how you unabashedly show the killers how they are. They're human - the good ones still have their flaws. Susie is bratty, Joey indecisive, Philip self loathing. On the flip side horrible people can have desirable/good traits. The doctor is genius, the trapper unrelenting, the nightmare (fuck you freddy) creative.

The way the core facets of their personality stay the same no matter what is something so many people (myself included) can struggle with - you may want a character to act a certain way for the plot, but that is not how the character would act. The balancing act of telling a story that you want to portray vs the reality of characters being utmost true to themselves is a harsh one, but one you seamlessly pull off.

How you do things - the prose, the plot, the insights.. it really is like a movie. The emotional high and lows, dealing with such fantastical elements yet remaining so realistic, entrenching your reader so it feels like they are almost living in the characters skin, experiencing what they are. It's incredible dude. It's really, really fucking incredible.

I've only recently gotten back into playing DBD after like a 3 year break from the game, but i still use ILM as canon in my head. I think about how the new characters would fit in there, the dynamics, the jokes - Leon clinging to Tapp as a Familiar Figure (Older Cop), Vittorio depending on Adam to translate for him because while traversing the fog has taught him many things it has not granted him modern language proficiency and Adam is the only one who knows Latin, Feng getting to have a Jane Romero moment with Yun-Jin and Trickster (imagine Justin Timberblake killing you).

Or alternatively their grim faces at the news of certain peoples disappearance knowing that statistically it'll probably be okay - but fuck man, what if it's not? (Felix, Haddie, Mikaela, Zarina, and Nicolas Goddamn Cage would definitely be reported missing. I think the joke 'Nicolas Cage got taken by the entity' conspiracy theory unknowingly being 100% right is hilarious.)

This fic lives in my head rent free and has done so for years, and i cannot thank you enough for writing it. Sorry this is so long, i just really, really appreciate everything you've written and done.

So so extraordinarily sweet of you to say! I don’t know how to respond, except to say it means so much to me you feel that way and joke about it with your friends.

I’m deeply proud of that fic and my others and how they turned out, and that people found them meaningful. I’m a writer, so it’s always good to hear the works was, well, good. Well done. But it means even more to know they meant something to someone.

Also, ‘imagine Justin Timberlake killing you’ shot me like a lame horse absolutely losing it at the metaphor. 🤣 The survivors getting the experience Legion got running into Jane the first time (or, the ones from late enough to know him. Imagine being killed by Justin Timberlake while your best friend goes ‘Who?!??? That guy’s famous???’)

[reviewsclown]

Willy's Wonderland (2021)

Straight up this is the most autistic main character I've ever seen in a movie. just a really odd experience, the cgi was a bit shit kinda but that didn't detract from the movie, just some of the cgi blood was really obvious.

I gotta know more about the behind the scenes because what a fucking movie there's gotta be more about what's going on because there's so much, he straight up fucks that pinball machine

Also the soundtrack kinda fucks? like the theme of our main character the lonesome drifter

Complaint must be had that the game loves dumping all the story in chunks, there's 2, what I would easily call lore dumps in the movie but I guess maybe that just kind of had to happen? the main character doesn't speak so at least for the first dump it had to be all monologue-d at him, the second was telling a story to a cop. shrug.

review: honestly you gotta watch this at least once, is it good? I'm not entirely sure, it's like a 7 or 8 out of 10, but it's an something you have to experience. you must watch Nicolas Cages Five Nights at Freddy movie.

[nicflurrymachinebroke]

BETWEEN WORLDS

Dirty, nasty, day-drinking, pill-stealing, stimulant-chewing greasy dirty scumbag trucker Cage flipflopping between unkempt graying organic trucker beard & perfectly lined up, manicured Nicolas Cage Just For Men™️ Hollywood beard BACK & FORTH IN THE SAME SCENE EVEN (did y'all have to do reshoots the week of Cannes or something??? Is this man's schedule REALLY that packed?????) while being TORMENTED (TORTURED!!! AGONIOUS TORTURE!!!) by the specter of his dead wife (+ child), the ghost of whom has taken up residence in the barely-legal body of the-woman-he-"saved"-from-being-strangled-in-the-opening-(who-he's-now-shacking-up-with)'s daughter. Who was in a coma after a motorcycle accident! Which is why her mom was getting strangled in a truck stop bathroom in the first place! BUT THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.

I would suck the tattoos clean off that man. Clean him off like a WHITEBOARD.

He's fucking the mom, he's fucking the daughter (who's actually his dead wife!), he's smoking pot & sleeping on their couch & trying to have his cake + eat it too & pilfering prescription medication & being unkempt & middle-aged & scumbag-destructive in a way that's so realistic (and over-the-top, yes; it's Nicolas Cage) I was just in awe of it. Everything about this movie is just so real (the set dressing, hair/makeup IGNORE THE BEARD, character design/wardrobe [his especially; aside from one ABSOLUTELY TRAGIC low-budget iron-on tshirt {WITH A GATOR ON IT!!! which fits the character if even if the execution screams Temu} his clothes all make sense for the person his character wants to present himself as--hyperrealistic Midlife Crisis edgy rocker guy-core, take it from someone with an unfortunate history of being down bad for guys like that--& they're lived-in in a way that makes me wonder if he brought a lot of his own wardrobe a la Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski], dialogue, even the lighting) (PARTICULARLY the lighting) it outshines the goofiness of the premise. Yeah, it obviously still has Hollywood stink on it (what I would not give to have his old teeth back 😔) but so much of the heart is so raw & earnest I almost don't even want to tell anyone about this movie lest they somehow take it from me by watching it but also at the same time I want to tell the whole world cuz it's such a triumph. It occupies that perfect space between improbability/fantasy & reality most of my fics do, so I am absolutely RABID about it (cuz fic writers are nothing if not getting high on our own supply). It genuinely has some of the most realistic sex scenes I've ever seen in a film (MAYBE I'M JUST WATCHING THE WRONG MOVIES?? IDK, LMAO) & they're so visceral it borders on hard to watch, because of how voyeuristic it is. Idk. Maybe other people wouldn't have that view on it if they've never hooked up with a paunchy middle-aged alcoholic with a wallet chain & a blue-collar job he sucks at on a couch in a house that's both too small & too big at the same time---IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY ON A WEEKDAY NO LESS---but if they do I don't want to know them.

Then much like Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (another one of my Top 10 of all time), the last 30-ish minutes of this movie devolve into an Easter Egg hunt for diehard Cageiacs: his jackets, his shoes, reading his IRL poetry book/memoir thing while doing the nasty; culminating in a ~peak Cage Rage~ meltdown when it all goes off the rails where he's having a full-fledged menty b talking to the air (while everyone else has a Mexican standoff directly over his head) & crawling around on the floor in leather pants--sobbing--clutching a jack-in-the-box before he self-immolates, like. Literally self-immolates, I'm not even being metaphoric. He's also self-immolating (Cage Style™️) but no, the lighting himself on fire with the power of bad CGI (while he stands there Emoting; looking appropriately Tortured not because he's on fire but because he's a man that's so full of feelings) definitely happens. It is, in a word, a perfect film. He chokes the mom in a hospital stairwell! It is so deeply erotic I was squirming!! THE WHOLE MOVIE IS SO HORNED UP & FOR WHAT REASON. I don't know, I don't care, I adore it. HE GETS HOSED DOWN WITH A GARDEN HOSE WET TSHIRT STYLE BY THE-DAUGHTER-WHO-HIS-DEAD-WIFE'S-POSSESSING!!! IN SLOW-MO!!!!! WHILE MARILYN MANSON'S COVER OF "I PUT A SPELL ON YOU" (THE FIRST NON-AMBIENT MUSIC IN THE MOVIE!!!!! 2/3 OF THE WAY IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) PLAYS AT JET TAKEOFF VOLUMES.

I don't know who made this movie, but they are a genius & for as allegedly tired of playing scumbags as Nicolas Cage is, he looks like he's having the time of his life cutting loose.

It's a window into another world---one where anyone could have a crack at this deeply broken man who's still sparking with raw magnetism & amphetamine-dipped in line cook rizz & basically alternating between hanging himself & humping the furniture, waiting for ANYONE to come along & say "I could fix him"---and it is perfect.

Top 10 of all time, because my taste is bad & I know it. Top 5 Cages for sure. God bless him.

BUDDY YOU WANTED SEX SCENES?? WE GOT SEX SCENES!!

[just-gay-thoughts]

Okay just finished moonstruck

Honestly not bad, I'd fucking die for Cher and I wish they didn't have the scene of dying her greys because she looked stunning with them. That being said I could not take nicolas cage's character seriously, him as a love interest in rom coms just makes me laugh too much. 9/10 because I would rewatch but holy shit what is this character

https://youtu.be/w5_T28Ic8oc?si=xUkXD5jvjCtRP2qq