#ngl that transition blew my mind

[duncan-rohanne]

You’re not here. You’re not supposed to be here. Release me. Please.

[cherryqueenoftarts]

I recently attended a meeting at my eldest's middle school. He (his chosen pronoun) is autistic and trans, although he hasn't transitioned. Still, he has vibes. He's also fairly aggressive with his peers. He's trying to be funny most of the time and this usually doesn't go well. In recent months there have been several kids who've ganged up on him, especially at lunch. They ruin his food, throw rocks at him, and call him gay slurs. He's miserable.

Reader, I went into that meeting with the intention of having a Cooperative Attitude. I tend to go mama bear pretty fast with school admin and I was Not Going to Do That this time.

Until the principal sat there and earnestly informed me that he was not being bullied. If he defends himself, it's a conflict, not a bullying situation.

Mind you he's one kid, with no one sticking up for him, against groups of attackers.

The only reason I didn't go full nuclear is because my husband was there and he interrupted before I blew my top. We needed a document from the school for his residency paperwork otherwise he's usually the first to blow.

One of the teachers present had the wisdom to assert that it *was* bullying and that allowed me to deescalate.

And I had to point out the power differential to this principal between an autistic kid and a fucking *group* accosting him daily and she finally admitted it was a problem.

I'm still feeling shabby, ngl.

I hate Bullies.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

it’s a fucking metaphor!

Titans 3.08

i’ve finally gathered the mental and emotional resources to do this thing, so let’s go! as always, i’m typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. on watching this opening scene, i was thinking back to how gar was in s1, or even the early bits of s2. the way he idolised the others, particularly dick, and his readiness to go along with whatever they said, and the way he practically bled the need for acceptance. and here he is now, openly defying dick, fully open to and aware of the flaws of the people he loves and admires, knowing he is accepted no matter what and extending that generosity elsewhere. it’s a remarkable bit of character growth that’s... sort of blossomed in the background and so rewarding to see and acknowledge. 

1.25. i guess what i really love about this conflict over how to respond to jason--as clumsily as it is sometimes written--is how their histories and individual traumas inform each character’s reaction. dick is torn between his guilt over what’s become of jason and his drive to do what batman had essentially given up on doing: he is motivated to track down red hood at all costs but there’s a sense that he’s not completely sold on the idea that the only way to stop him is to kill him. (he might go the comics route and try to put him in arkham? god, imagine if the season ended with jason in arkham.) kory’s never had much of a connection with jason in the first place, and jason has done one of the worst things he could do in her book: track and kill a member of her newfound family and is threatening to kill more. 

and gar... sure. look. the idea of jason and red hood as separate entities appeals to him; that red hood emerged when jason was drugged to the gills by scarecrow and lost his usual inhibitions. gar’s struggled with what he becomes when he’s pushed to his limits, too--he did rip open that experimenting scientist with his teeth way back in 1.07, after all, and he was brainwashed by cadmus in s2 into becoming a literal monster. he needs to think, to know, there’s a dichotomy, a line that can only be crossed under extreme duress or by outside influence. 

and he says--and we say--that he was accepted back into the titans in spite of what he’d done, but was he really? gar’s always struggled with his footing in this group; relegated to the caretaker, the tech guy, the gatekeeper, and sometimes punching bag even though everybody’s paying lip service to how much of a family they all are. perhaps gar reaching out to jason and offering acceptance is aspirational on his part: perhaps this is the effort he hoped the titans put/or will put into getting gar back, even when it would seem like he’s too far gone.

1.5. anyway my point is that i don’t think it’s worth discussing this in terms of right/wrong decisions because all of their reactions make a lot of sense given their backgrounds/personalities. gar is doing a fine job here of tracking down jason’s friends and trying to find him that way, but we the audience know that jason is ultimately going to end up an anti-hero/eventually-hero character, so with that knowledge in mind we know that gar’s reaction is the right one. it’s knowledge that the other characters don’t have, so to judge them on it is... uh, unfair.

1.8. also, molly is awesome, yay!

2. dick and barbara flirting over the phone is so cute! i love to see this side of dick: lighter, peppier, willing (even if somewhat reluctantly) to put his mission aside to go out on a date with his girlfriend. and i love how easy this makes his dynamic with kory too: it’s all very domestic and utterly delightful. 

(also, re: the water leak in barbara’s office--you’re saying GCPD could afford fancy-schmancy table-wide touch screen computers and evil-lair lighting but needs its frickin’ commissioner to catch leaking water from above her desk with mugs and fishbowls????)

2.2225. this is probably a teeny tiny thing and i’m not sure i want to bring it up at all BUT. the fact that dick feels compelled to lie to barbara about not liking fancy gala food and eating something more substantial before the date? not a terribly great sign, though i wouldn’t call it a red flag per se. 

“this from a man who forced his students to eat cauliflower crust pizza...”

3. so.... conner and kom are a Thing. huh.

in theory i really like the idea of them bonding over an innate alien-ness and longing for a place they could really belong. both of them are alien twice-over: conner a mix of kryptonian and human, practically generated in a test tube, and kom being somebody that was born different and rejected by her own people, now stuck on a planet dominated by an entirely different species. i even like them exploring this bond physically. i guess it’s the sense of... uneasiness around what we do and don’t know about kom that makes this scene land slightly left of centre to me. i think titans, especially through s2, has cultivated in its audience a sense of distrust even until the final episode, just in case somebody vital to the season is suddenly revealed to have had ulterior motives (i’m even low-key suspicious of leslie). i really want to see this kom-conner dynamic play out but the anticipation of watching the other shoe drop is sucking out the enjoyment.

4. for fuck’s sake dick, gar’s not your gatekeeper.

TIIIIIIIIMMMMM \O/

4.5. i love this nod to tim’s origins in the comics, the way he just comes in and lays out all his evidence and makes it clear to dick that he needs tim’s help as robin. the fact that he was there at the flying graysons’ last performance, he was obsessed with their acrobatic moves, and was observant enough to connect those moves with that of robin and later nightwing... all of this came together to put him where he is right now.

(i also love how he can’t contain his giddy excitement when talking about the day dick grayson’s parents died... to dick grayson. even if dick weren’t nightwing, that would be a deeply uncomfortable thing! yet tim can’t help himself, and i love him for it.)

4.8. it’s a testament to how much dick’s caught off-guard that he can’t come up with a better response to tim’s allegations other than “uh... he stole my moves! as you know, no two gymnasts in the world are allowed to do the same moves. now, let me escort you out while pretending poorly that i’m not at all shaken by this...”

4.9. i’ve talked about this before, but i find the logic around secret identities in this universe utterly fascinating. the titans don’t make much effort in keeping their identities secret: everybody seems to know that kory is starfire for instance, or that gar is beast boy. dick grayson is seen hanging out with kory a lot, especially at crime scenes. it won’t take a lot of sleuthing to find out that the titans are currently camped out at wayne manor, and to put two and two together.

my theory was that superheroes and villains have become such an integral part of daily society that it’s almost not worth it to seek out their secret identities, or that it’s just not a big deal anymore. like politicians or diplomats, not everybody bothers to look into who exactly their local politician is, but the people who know just... know. it’s a sort of unspoken social contract.

tim’s broken this contract by confronting dick about his identity, and dick’s not ready to deal with it. not entirely.

look at him! *pinches his cheeks*

5. ngl, it was quite satisfying to see jason knock the scarecrow out like that. 

5.5. i guess... the question of jason’s culpability is always going to be a thorny one and would make for a great courtroom drama spinoff. there are a number of factors to consider: jason’s personality, the rough circumstances under which he grew up, his undoubtedly stressful transition to being robin, bruce wayne being... well, bruce wayne, never feeling accepted by the titans and having most of them turn on him, being roundly defeated and almost killed by deathstroke, alfred’s death, a fuckload of ptsd, his violent death, crane’s manipulations, coming back to life, crane plying him with a drug. but there is no easy line to draw between any of these factors to his actions. i think it would be a disservice to jason’s character to attribute his actions entirely to these things and rather irresponsible to do so. i think jason has to reckon with the fact that when he took crane’s drug, he wasn’t reckless and chaotic like the thugs he gave it to; the planning that went into hank’s death was meticulous and the way hank died--dawn essentially tricked into pulling the trigger that blew her lover into bits--is so drawn out and cruel. 

5.75. it’s occurring to me that crane might have given jason a placebo. maybe jason’s dependence is psychological, and he’s externalised his fears in such a way that he believes crane’s drugs literally wipe them out, however temporarily.

in any case, the boy needs (more) therapy.

6. “he walked like robin...” fuck, tim

“gait recognition sweep” god, this show. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry. hey, once we’re done doing this gait recognition thingy, can we get a goddamn plumber in the house??? or move the commissioner’s desk so that sewage water isn’t dripping on her head or the million dollar touchscreen desk???????

6.5. oh no dick!!!!!! i am delighted that you got hurt but i feel ashamed about it! that looked like it really hurt!

he’s really not having a good time of it, is he. from being shot by a sniper to slamming at full speed into an suv, he’s got to be really fucking battered by now. and that’s just the physical side of it.

“can you believe that just over a week ago i was sitting in san francisco eating cauliflower crust pizza and feeling good about myself for the first time in five years...”

7. kory’s having visions again! now that she’s figured what they are, do you think the show’s just dropped justin? it’s curious that HPG hasn’t been brought up in a while after featuring relatively heavily in the beginning. hmmm.

8. dick’s in hospital but... he looks remarkably whole for someone who took a spill like that. you’d think he’d at least have a bruise to show for it. on the other hand, i love that the first thing he says is ��i need to call home’. reminds me of season 1 dick and his clumsy attempts to explain away his found family as an ‘alliance of necessity’ or some bullshit. what a long way he’s come!

*gasp* dick’s hallucinating again!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m doing the dick’s hallucinating dance! can you believe that we’re carrying over these huge honking issues unearthed in season 2 onto season 3? can you believe?!!! all that time and effort i spent talking about dick’s mental health from last season has not gone in vain!!

... ahem. anyway. more on this later.

“hold on barbara, i think kory gave me the number to this therapist that she kept calling Hot Psychiatrist Guy...”

9. just an interlude to say that i’m barely halfway through the episode and i’ve already written 2k+ words... ugh. i’m going to try and be more concise.

10. man i fuckin love it when titans goes all out with its weird mindscapes and i’m extra glad that kory’s the focus this time. is that baby kom or maybe a secret sibling that neither of them knew about? was that lady luand’r? and is this place where kory was circling where the secret sibling is? it’s all very intriguing. 

(if justin turned out to be that sibling... we’ve a real luke/leia situation on our hands.)

11. aw, i knew that nice security guard was going to die, but it still hurt to see him go :(

12. this show is so bizarre. like i get the mindscape as a narrative device, but jason using sex workers to try and vocalise his guilt about killing hank was just weird. like. i have to use tamil, sorry: idhulaan yaaru pa room pottu yosikara??? some things just can’t be translated into a second language.

i guess one way to interpret jason’s reckoning with what he did to the titans as a sign of him coming off crane’s drug, but i think it’s more to do with the disillusionment of realising that he was a mere pawn in a more sinister plan, and not, as he thought, a player in control of his destiny, rising to the purpose of liberating gotham of its fears in a way batman never could. along the way, he’s done some truly irreversible damage. it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

13. another hallucination! it’s really intriguing that it’s a young dick(?), younger than we’ve ever seen him, wearing an early-era robin costume from way before he even became robin. (this is also interesting in that it gives credence to the idea that ‘robin’ is an identity that dick created entirely on his own, and as a possible homage to his family.)

“old road, old house... it’s all gone.” i wonder what it all means.

13.5. it’s entirely likely dick’s hallucinating because of a brain injury from the accident, though just hallucinations without any other focal neurological deficit is unusual. he might’ve been microdosed with fear toxin at some point, though i wonder when... did jason do so after dick’s accident? did he get dosed at the factory from last episode? 

it’s also possible it’s a continuing manifestation of dick’s issues from last season--which, if you remember, he never told anyone about and therefore never properly addressed. maybe he was hallucinating bruce wayne in a psychotic episode accompanying an acute stress reaction and maybe that’s what’s happening now. nobody’s denying that he’s under an extraordinary amount of stress right now. another way to look at it is that this is how he externalises conflict that he can’t bear to suppress anymore; if in s2 halluci!bruce manifested his insecurities and self-loathing, then these hallucinations... something to do with his fears, no doubt.

yet ANOTHER way to look at it might be: rachel is reaching out to him through their, well, psychic bond. after all, they were able to use that bond unconsciously last season to get the titans back together; maybe rachel has learned to gain a degree of control over it in themyscira and is sending across warnings? it’s all very intriguing.

anyway:

“i hear you skipped over the discowing suit in your evolution to nightwing... how could you??”

14. can you imagine, gar did all the work of reaching out to jason via molly and jason wants to meet dick? smh.

14.5. “i’m just a regular guy doing regular things” he says, standing at the opening of a secret old tunnel, like a secret person doing secret things, confronting someone who can now officially be called his stalker. neither of you guys are ‘regular’

14.8. ‘my dad was a cop and he taught me how to investigate’ - hmmm. i guess they’re trying to Explain Tim but i don’t think that’s really necessary. so he’s smart and he’s obsessed with batman and robin--that should be enough, imo. 

15. that scene with scarecrow and his mother was... wow. i’m just laughing here helplessly, because what the hell? for a while i thought it was an extended dream sequence and i’m still not entirely sure that it isn’t...

anyway. i still love that titans is happy to throw out its plot in favour of extended character-exploration sessions.

15.5. it seems to me that this scene with crane and his mother (i have no idea if there’s anything in the comics similar to this) serves to move forward this season’s theme of harmful legacies and how parents can damage their children in the name of their mission. in a way it’s been the underlying message of the entire show but we’re really seeing it being reinforced this season. the titans, serving as a foil to scarecrow, are using the damage to rebuild themselves and actually work through their issues together, instead of spiralling further and further into the morass of their issues.

other than that... god, that scene was painful to watch. i can’t say i like this version of scarecrow or how this actor plays him at all.

16. i wonder what’s jason’s play here. i think he’s smart enough to realise that the titans aren’t going to just forgive him and let him be a titan again after what he did, and that dick agreeing to it is just a bid to pin both him and crane down. maybe it’s a ploy to trap them, get back on scarecrow’s good books so that he can have the drug again. who knows.

17. i absolutely felt dick when he said “we’ll bring him in and then re-assess the situation.” what the fuck else is he going to say? the priority is to get him.

so kory and dick are both hallucinating while potentially trying to rehabilitate their murderous siblings. CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER ALREADY

18. TIM NOOOO! you beautiful, reckless fool!

18.25. just to quickly address it here because i know it’s been brought up before: i think it’s perfectly justified to not have conner take tim to the hospital via superspeed because a) i don’t think we’ve seen conner do that with anybody so far and b) it’s probably not a good idea to submit tim’s body to that kind of stress without knowing what it would do to him. the paramedics with actual equipment and experience would be there in a few minutes, so on a risk assessment, i would say dick and conner absolutely made the right call.

18.5. i guess we won’t know what jason really intended to when the titans came to the pump to see him, but this is definitely going to set a big wedge in his relationship with crane. then again, crane got what he wanted--using starfire’s powers to blast through to the underground pipes--so jason can argue that this is exactly what he was working towards, too. 

anyway, mortal peril, hallucinations, murderous family members, creepy visions and robins sprouting left and right. time to get rachel and donna on the scene, i think.

[chibifatou]

gif maker appreciation tag: skamverse edition

yeah this is a tag that has been going on in spring but you know it’s better later then never�� also it’s still pretty much down time for gif makers so it’s a good time to hype content creators here <3 thanks everyone who tagged me i couldn’t find everyone but you are for sure will be mentioned here later❣️

if you’re a gif maker...

a gifset you’re really proud of: sobbe gifset that took my pretty long to do and im very happy with results:+) i love how the coloring turned out and i tried new fonts thingy and i think it looks cool. only regret that i haven’t done it earlier when the tag was more alive. and also very proud of my traditions set my beloved

a gifset of your favorite remake: i don’t have a favorite one but i am focused mostly on wtfock and i really liked the one i made for finale and it made me pretty emotional while i was making it ngl

a gifset that you wish would get more notes: literally every gifset lately because it feels like all tags are dead now but i really liked robbe + pink and think it deserves more love

a gifset where you tried something new: tried transition from b&w to colors on elu gifset and wont repeat it ever again, it took hell a lot of time

spread the love!

a gifset of your favorite remake: i will mention a lot of more wtfock gifsets later but for now the ones that have a lot of characters and are my favs are this lockers gifset that make me so emo and this one with main’s bedrooms is so aesthetically pleasing and im obsessed with this wtfockdown gifset :.) what a gold time. and gifset with all mains is so huge and beautiful

a gifset of a remake you haven’t watched/ don’t like/ isn’t your favorite: i only watched few clips from new seasons of skam fr so i will count it as a remake i haven’t watched. @feminizedbf is making the best gifsets for these seasons and im honestly in awe of his creativity and devotion bc the tag was so dead during the time the season was airing and the gifsets got only few notes which is very unfair because these gifsets deserve all the love. my favs are new gen + name etymology, favorite episodes and the one with nikita gill and this one absolutely broke me thank u

a gifset with a cool layout: idc care about the rules and will include 944838 gifsets because i can and they all are so so pretty and there are way too many talented people there. sobbe + the night we met @nyttvera is a masterpiece and i still think about it daily, also very like her layouts here and here. vendredi 20h27 by @feminizedbf in comics style is insane love it so much. i call @sandersyasmina a queen of layouts for a reason and this one with ohn is my favorite. it was hard not to include everything @sanderdriesen made because they all are so creative and beautiful and i will try to keep it short and not write essays on each of them. ohn and moving drawings of robbe, hotel clips, sobbe journey, dinsdag 16:31, are the ones that blew my mind and AND my favorite gifset of all time😙 also i very liked yasmina each episode series that @sanderxrobbee had going on, layouts on these gifsets are so cool. really loved layouts on gifsets for sobbe anniversaries @nellsdani was making and especially this one for woensdag 21:21 (and and really love this one for ohn and with robbe). @fatoujallovv is always so creative with layouts and kieutou gifset is one of my favorites

tag someone who does beautiful coloring:

@fatoujallovv @arzkiya-hai @nyttvera @birthdaysentiment @robbeijzermans @lucasotteli @mirroroferisedx @nellsdani are queens of coloring, im in awe every single time, they always chose the best color combinations and their gifsets are so vibrant and pretty

tag someone who inspires you to make gifsets: there are so many people from my sweet anons who send me asks that make me motivated to people whose creations i see on my dash because it always makes me want to go to ps to experiment or details in gifsets makes me inspired to do something but when it comes to support these people are always here😙❣️ @arzkiya-hai @hidden-joy @sandersyasmina @sanderdriesen @nellsdani @letisnotonfire @dagcutie @sonderthroughthestreets @nyttvera @indimlights

tag someone who you’ve discovered recently:

@debussyatmidnight started making gifsets not so long ago and her gifsets are so pretty i wish i was making gifsets like that when i only started making them❣️

[ally-127]

my request... joshua angst where there's an argument on ur anniversary n you can decide whether to make it a happy or sad ending!! thx ally :-)

lisianthus

pairing: husband!joshua x reader word count: 1.6k warnings: reference to sex, slightly suggestive material music: ‘lose’ by niki a/n: okay like this is more fluff than angst,, im sorry- my mind literally blanked out when i was trying to think of what they could argue about. but enjoy this romantic af, poetic(?) piece that i also enjoyed writing ngl. thanks for requesting @chocosvt , i hope u liked it...luv u the most <3

“come on kiddos, it’s time for bed!”

you ushered your seven and three-year-old into their shared bedroom, your lips stretched wide into a grin at their playful giggles.

“goodnight, mum,” your daughter, seven, hummed as you tucked her into bed while your younger son climbed clumsily into his beside.

you dropped a kiss on her forehead and turned to your cheeky son, who still had that smile of his. you give him a huge smooch on the cheek. “goodnight, you.”

with both children wrapped up in their sheets comfortably, you flicked off the light switch and closed the door quietly behind you.

a sigh couldn’t help but escape your lips as you shuffled your way back into your room to finish up some work, but before you did, a certain glow caught your attention.

the kitchen was dark all around when you entered, lit scented candles dotted around the table and the only light source in the room.

the flames danced in the breezy air of your apartment, lighting up not only the bouquet of lisianthus on the table but your husband, joshua, who sat on one of the chairs, staring wistfully at the flowers. a glass of wine sat solitarily in front of him, the stain on the rim a sign that he had already started to drink without you.

the beat of your heart was now apparent as ounces of dread slowly settled into the pit of your stomach.

you forgot.

“are we not important anymore?” he began, taking the glass in between his fingers.

“what do you mean?” you remained standing, feeling as if the soles of your feet had been embedded into the hardwood of the floor.

“did it completely slip your mind, or am i now the least of your concerns?” continuous rhetorical questions, or rather, questions of accusations, escaped his beautiful mouth.

you could kiss it a thousand times and still, your need for them to be on your skin would never be satiated.

“jihyun and—“

“do not bring our kids into this,” joshua was painfully serene, like the calm before the storm; the storm in which you could see in the depths of his eyes. “you forgot we’ve been married for ten years.”

you cursed under your breath.

how did you forget?

bringing the subject of work into the argument was pointless now, it only seemed like an excuse.

“josh—“

“i was waiting all day,” he finally shifted his almond-shaped eyes to you. “for you to run into my arms, to kiss me, hell, even to just smile at me. but no, you didn’t even look at me once.”

joshua, on a break from being a performer, occupied himself with taking care of the children and the apartment. he had plenty of time on his hands, his heart full with a sincere wish to spend it with the people he loved most in the whole universe.

you, a full-time working mother, had recently just been promoted in your company. with new responsibility came heavy workload and a brand new project dumped into your control. it was overwhelming, and it blinded a tremendous amount of aspects in your life, including your husband himself.

you realised you didn’t even meet joshua’s eyes as he got them ready for school this morning, while he adjusted their jackets and shouldered their little backpacks to carry it for them, knowing fully what date it was.

you simply kissed your daughter and son goodbye before you took half a litre of coffee with you out the door without uttering a single word of goodbye to your lover.

now, as you stared at him from where you stood, you could feel the effects of neglecting him for the longest time hurling back to you like a tidal wave.

there was no trace of a smile, of the crinkle of his eyes, of the lines that would form at the ends of his eyes that deepened over time and with age.

the expression that stared back at you was foreign, stoic.

there‘s a saying: you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

you knew it wasn’t gone, but the absence of his smile made your heart sink into the bottomless pit of your regret. it was a horrifying feeling.

suddenly, you wanted to do all the things he said you didn’t, smile at him, run into his arms, kiss him.

“i’m sorry,” you almost lost the capability of speaking, your voice small as you gathered enough courage to take more steps towards him. “i really am. i’m such a fool.”

he stood up, his height casting a dim shadow over you. the plastic of the wrapper crunched in his hands when he extended his arm, offering the bouquet of your favourite flowers in your favourite colour to you. joshua could never forget that.

you took them with shaky hands, eyes looking everywhere but into the abyss of his caramel eyes.

“you are not a fool, my love,” he engulfed you in his strong arms, a familiar place, a place you missed often and could call home. a place you almost forgot was your home. “you are my wife,” he kissed away the single tear of remorse that escaped the duct in the corner of your eyes. “my beautiful, strong wife.”

your head on his chest, your fingers fisted in the material of his shirt, you held on to each other for what seemed like the first time in a long time. his woody scent had the effect of waves crashing against the beach and echoes of seagulls in the distance—it calmed you immensely.

everything about joshua calmed you.

it felt like you could remain in his arms forevermore, until the morning sun rose and the lisianthus wilted in the grip of your hands.

“i love you,” you told him, quietly, setting the bouquet aside to sink into his touch.

these were the words he wanted and needed to hear the most, to reassure himself that you did still love him the way he loved you, to make sure that work had not completely overtaken your senses.

“i love you too.”

fingers rubbing your back in soothing strokes, joshua kissed your temple, then the tip of your nose. to reach your lips he had to angle his head in the slightest, long eyelashes fluttering as he reached his destination.

a hum of satisfaction escaped your lips, conjoined with his, knowing fully that you didn’t deserve it yet you savoured every minute. your arms were secure around his neck, not a millimetre of space to be seen between your torso and his.

as joshua pulled away to gasp for air, he reached into his pocket for his phone, tapping away at the screen. half a second later, music began to play from the speakers he had installed on the corners of the ceiling.

your husband enjoyed music, thrived in it. it was his natural element, his escape from everything and life itself.

“dance with me, darling,” he whispered as louis armstrong blew the first few notes of his trumpet, a light melody that entranced your step into aligning with your lover’s, barefoot in the kitchen, head on his shoulder.

“remember in college,” you pondered, reminiscing the iridescent days of your youth. “when we would dance around the communal kitchen in the refrigerator light?”

“when i snuck out of the dorms to visit you half-past two in the morning?” the smile on his face reminded you of how much you truly longed for it, like a breath of fresh air after being suffocated for so long.

he grinned at you like you were back in the heart of a bustling city, of seoul, the thrill of the unexpected running through your veins like a drug. you found an impossible love, forcing the rebellion, suppressed deep enough in yourself until you forgot about it, to resurface again as you met him.

you had never felt as daring as you did when you first saw him.

“we lost so much sleep,” the airy sound of your chuckle urged joshua to tug you closer, dancer feet still in time with the rhythm of jazz buzzing in the background.

“first college, then jihyun,” the way in which your daughter’s name left his lips made the knot in your heart twist, your entire being captivated by his voice.

he twirled you around, stars—no, the entire galaxy—sparkling in those brown eyes as you spun to meet him once more.

“and jiyoung,” the sound of your youngest son’s name elicited a permanent smile from your husband, perfect teeth peeking through.

“i don’t regret a single second of it,” he said, mellifluous in tone, filled with content.

“i don’t either,” sometimes, the possibility of being in love for so long was a question to you that you could not answer.

magic doesn’t exist, but it did then, in that night, surrounded by wicks, aglow in passion, organic scent of lemongrass wafting in the air.

jazz-driven steps, hungry gazes and the brush of his fingers under your sweater made you wonder if you were back in the era of your faded youth. it was as if you were reliving each night of delirium once again, of heated sex in the darkness of your compact bedroom, of muted grunts and the slapping of skin that reverberated off the chipped walls.

joshua lifted the sweater up your head, up your arms. the music, transitioning ever so timely from armstrong to the weeknd, your eyes widening and your hips swaying ever so slightly to the bass. his grin twisted into a smirk, eyes narrowing in desire and the previous storm behind them calming into a wave of dirty intentions.

“take the week off for me, love,” kisses were peppered down your neck to your collarbone as he whispered each word into your skin.

you promised him you would, and you did.

[smileandasong]

futct 👀 and foliea deux if you want!

tOH HELL YEAH FUCT! (sorry, i’ll always call it fuct because that’s what pete wanted in 05, and what i like to think he still wants today) 1. Sophomore Slump (tied for my fave FOB song of all time) 2. XO (a few weeks ago i played this eight times in a row at six in the morning. eight. TIMES! idk wtf i was feeling, but i needed pete and his lyrics to do it for me) 3. A Little Less Sixteen Candles, a Little More Touch Me (honestly, this is partially because of how much I fucking LOVE the mv, ngl) 4. Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part to Save the Scene and Stop Going to Shows) (this ranks so high because of the last 25 seconds because C H R I S T pete!!!) 5. I Slept with Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me (if it wasn’t apparent, i pretty much LOSE IT from candles onward. these fucking TRANSITIONS!!!) 6. I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)" 7. Dance, Dance 8. Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued 9. Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner 10. 7 Minutes in Heaven 11. Of All the Gin Joints in All the World 12. Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down (I FEEL BAD because this is the first FOB song I ever heard! I still love it, and really, that’s just a testament to how GOOD the rest of this album is) 13. Champagne for my Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends (i find it kind of funny that this is my least favorite when it’s literally sandwiched right in the middle of my top 5. AGAIN, still love it) (...i’m not including the bonus tracks because someone asked me that on discord earlier and my brain nearly exploded when i tried to figure out where they’d fall. ONE DAY i will go back and edit with them in mind, i promise!!!) AND YEAH WHY NOT, let’s get a little folie in here too:

1. Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet (third favorite overall and honestly, if it’s not one of your faves off both folie and overall??? idk what’s wrong with you) 2. What a Catch, Donnie (i can’t listen to the guest segment without sobbing every damn time) 3. 20 Dollar Nose Bleed (seeing this LIVE!?!? what a fucking experience!) 4. 27 5. Coffee’s for Closers 6. Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes 7. The (Shipped) Gold Standard 8. West Coast Smoker 7. America’s Suitehearts 10. I Don’t Care (bonus points for the fucking batshit music video) 11. Tiffany Blews 12. She’s My Winona 13. w.a.m.s.

//send me an album and I’ll rank the songs from my favorite to my least favorite :)

[rionisu]

this is a bunch of rambling once again; containing transgender updates and rather tmi information ( though it might not too lol )

... think of this as an update from my last post ! ( since i really feel i owe this to the people who took the time to reach out )

i recently went to my second session with my therapist. it actually went really well.  i showed him a couple samples of my art ( specifically terra and aqua lmao ! ) and he really, really liked them.  he told me i should push for making a earning and i told him i’ve been considering it.  he even told me that my problem with sleeping, especially over art, is worth losing sleep over and that i could lose sleep over worse things LOL.

anyway. i had been given homework and that was consulting with at least three (3) people and tell them to call me by my preferred name-- alex (which is my name)-- and my preferred pronouns (he/him). it was... pretty surreal moving what is so normal from here online onto the “reality” world, so to speak. my brother was the first to know, but i asked my mom this favor, and she said: “i can try, BUT...” and then reasoned that she is used to call me “girl” because its easiest to grab my attention. ngl, it did make me a bit annoyed, but i resolved to hear it out and accept it for what it is because.. well, she’s known me all her life and most of it as one way.

and i’ve been very patient because of this fact. i’m just happy that despite the setbacks, she’s willing to try and has called me by the pronouns and corrected others if they forget.

the second person i went to right after was my grandmother. the closest woman to my life really. i sat down with her and explained to her how the appointment went and what my homework was and what i wanted from her. she said the same thing: “i’ll try, BUT--” and her own reasons, which were pretty similar to my mom’s explanation. but overall, my grandmother was willing to try and hoped for my understanding if she slipped. i told her that i won’t get mad-- because i know she is going to try and that is all i wanted. what’s cool about my my grandmother is that she reassured that she’s going to be supportive through and through and that she has never led me to believe that i am not a male.

in the few days since, my grandmother has been rather interesting lol. she actually approaches me ( and my brother ) to ask questions. a lot of questions. “wait what do you mean testosterone shots? okay, what about your chest? are you gonna get balls? okay, so do you like girls? do you want a beard ?!?!?” it’s really cute. she always apologized at first and made sure i didn’t have to answer anything i was uncomfortable with, but... i’m really happy she’s asking. and hasn’t at all shut me down. maybe it’s because i’m seeing professionals now that everything seems possible, but even they noticed my depressive episodes has decreased quite a bit because of this.

i’m actually really, really scared to approach my coworkers about it. my plan is to consult with one of them and then see from there how i should talk about it. another idea was to just confront my boss and see how that goes lol.. because i like him and he really does care. like an uncle lol.

but yeah.. hopefully i won’t jinx it here but i also see my hair stylist today. one of which has known me since i was tiny. i’m thinking much more confidently about coming out to him. especially since he’s my mom’s friend so it’ll help her out too pfff. and he’s gay so i’m sure talking about coming out in the open is a thing we can woo-hoo over haha.

but yeah... ! that’s my update. i think the thing that really blew my mind is the fact that my doctor said it’s my job to be firm and that nothing is holding me back from starting now. that i didnt have to physically transition first or change myself to start being addressed how i always am online-- which is how i want to be. it really was so simple. it’s terrifying right now to follow through but he has faith and i think so many of my friends and family do too so that really helps. a lot.

i think the only thing that still hangs deep in my heart is my appearance. sometimes i can just feel it in my bones how i don’t like to feel like this. i’ve had a vision in my head how i want to be and i’m not there yet. but.. hopefully i will be in time. we did talk about it for a brief time. i plan to bring it up next i see him in two weeks. but, compared to when i was typing my last post.. i feel much, much better. it’s really thanks to all my friends here and my family there. even though i have been horrible with communication as of late ( just busy and work fucking up my schedule ), i do plan to get back to yall and know that i think about you guys a lot through this journey <3

[deadtower]

Can my faith be reconciled with science? I'm not sure if there's any evidence for G-d's existence and I am terrified that this is all ultimately a futile existence

honestly this was kinda my thought pattern for a long while and i was really scared of basically everything especially because i had been raised not at all questioning the existence of god etc etc

but like

i guess the best way to explain it is that once i found my culture, i didn’t really ... need religion anymore? like, all this time i had been leaning on religion because it was like a foundation to me but once i rediscovered our tribe and all our beautiful customs and practices and rituals, that became my foundation instead, and it made the transition easier

of course, that doesn’t mean you HAVE to stop believing in god once you do something like that, that’s just the road i took. plenty of people live with both in their lives, or neither, or whatever, i’m not here to do the redpill athiest bs and tell you how dumb religion is, bc i don’t think it is, i think it can be super awesome to have faith and be into religion and im proud of you for knowing its importance to you

my advice here is basically ... just keep it going. keep living life. you have a ways to go and throughout the rest of your time here on earth you’re going to see and learn things that shape your worldview different ways until it finally settles down into something that makes you comfortable

like, i know “don’t stress” is stupid advice, but that’s pretty much what has to happen here. you don’t have to have it all figured out right now. give it time, give it space, learn what makes you comfortable and happy, explore around, just like. live your life and the answers really do come to you. also, remember they’re your personal answers. everyone’s answers to the meaning of life and faith and all of that is different. find YOUR answers. but don’t be too stressed about finding them Right Now Right Away. let them come to you as you explore this life and this world, you know?

as for faith being reconciled with science, ive always thought so, tbh. when i was a kid i was always confused about how faith and science could ever work together bc i went to a private school where evolution was basically a swear word and my first introduction to faith and science coexisting was my dad saying that he believed that god created evolution. and that blew my fucking mind. i had no idea that BOTH could be true, ya know? and tbh i think faith and science coexisting is super fucking awesome especially with some of those posts about angels being black holes and shit like that, like, exploring that is some of the coolest shit i have ever seen,ngl

tl;dr just live your best life and let the answers come to you in their own time, and also, angels are definitely black holes