#ngl i thought this said ‘chronic’ and i was about to be like ‘GIRL WHAT’S YOUR SECRET???? TELL ME??????’

[almostyours]

hi have you considered any other fcs for the girls ? the lineup is exquisite don't get me wrong i'm just curious

oooooo of course i have!  and maybe u just wanted a normal response from me,  but i am going to make this reply a bit more visual and fun  (for me)  because i am going to explain what i was looking out for in my girls and why i decided not to choose ___ and ___ and yada yada because i'm feeling crazy!  also because i’m taking inspiration from @/pureun because they did something like this before and i thought it was really fun  <3  but trust me,  it will be really hard to get sana,  jisoo,  and yuqi out of my hands.�� they are set on stone at this point!

first off,  we are starting with my darling kaia.  for her i wanted someone to bring the fun to the group and,  for lack of better words,  friendly-looking.  approachable,  lighthearted,  someone who exudes comfort to even those she’s not close to,  someone very fun to look at when on stage,  and someone who is known to be a wonder to be around with.  a mom friend,  basically.  but i also wanted someone no one would ever suspect of doing anything wrong,  which is why it was such a shock to fans when rumors circulated that kaia mistreated a stylist and that she is known by her inner circle to have anger issues  🙈  

i immediately thought of sana minatozaki when i came up with her because hellooooooooooooo!  and she was perfect because i actually wanted a japanese fc as i wanted kaia to be a member of akb48.  i also really liked the idea of kaia pulling a xg’s cocona and going viral for flawlessly rapping in three languages 😮‍💨 and idk just the thought of the face of baby girlism sana having anger issues and rapping in the levels of soyeon will always be funnie to me

i consider and think about nana komatsu as kaia every now and then,  though.  there was a time that i actually wanted her to be the oldest out of the three and in a way i could see nana fitting her background,  especially as an idol who likes to stay low-key with her own endeavors,  but i just don’t see her as kaia.  maybe as idol!kaia,  but not kaia,  yknow?    i also think that the vibes of nana!kaia would have been a little bit too similar to yvan’s,  and the thing about hiraeth is that the three of them are different from each other

mina myoi also crossed my mind because madre!  but it’s the opposite of nana’s situation.  i see her as kaia,  sure,  but not as idol!kaia  D:

for poppy, i wanted someone who gave off princess-y,  royalty like vibes with a dash of cunt,  especially as she’s the group's representation of elegance and maturity.  miss little pretty face,  a reserved woman with a big mouth and an open mind,  devoted to her craft as an idol and as a producer,   someone people and other idols look up to,  usually kept under a microscope by knetizens because there’s no way anyone could be that nice  (and she’s not even that nice,  she just minds her business!),  if her face is involved,  the brand’s stocks are sure to rise,  and she’s not that intimidating,  but there’s something about her that makes people hesitate to approach—not just because of her beauty or her monotone-like attitude,  but because she’s poppy.  i also wanted someone who seemed really put together on the outside,  but in reality they are not as poppy is chronically ill and kinda insane ngl  😔

i think out of the three, poppy’s main fc is the one i don’t think i’d ever change. i’m really attached to jisoo as miss pawppy—  like,  there’s so much history in here friendsies!!  poppy is jisoo,  just with some alterations that i’d love to talk about eventually,  but i’d be lying if i said i haven’t thought of other people as poppy.  not because i don’t see her in jisoo anymore,  but because i’m so attached to poppy as a character that i see her everywhere,  either as a concept or as someone else.

eunbi never never neeeever fails to remind me of her…  she’s genuinely the perfect alternate fc,  especially since she’s the same age as jisoo so if i did the change, i wouldn’t need to adjust anything!  but i have a really strong bias,  and i know that if i ever changed her fc to eunbi,  i’d end up switching back  😭 

and here’s where i admit that each girl is inspired by current or former idols,  and poppy is lowkey inspired by hirai momo who has always reminded me of her—  in terms of her personality,  stage presence and her looks.  like that one picture she posted during the miumiu fashion show…  where she was sitting and looking back at the camera with her bare back,  like yall,  that's poppy!  😵‍😵‍😵‍  but again,  i have a bias.  plus i also want kaia to be the only japanese woman in the group

now heejin would have been the perfect candidate to be poppy’s fc if only poppy wasn't a hag,  so yeah.  that’s never gonna happen unless i make an alt universe where they are younger…  :p

for yvan,  i wanted someone with the it factor—  someone who graduated from servington university with a degree in serving!!!  😝  i wanted someone approachable and relatable,  THEY/THEM realness fr, a best friend or at least a friend to many,  admired for their genuine love for their job and their talents,  fun and quirky with a dash of chaoticness that usually keeps everyone on their toes,  so big-mouthed it often lands them in trouble but usually works out in their favor,  and despite doing absolutely nothing  (they absolutely did or said something btw),  their name is always on everyone’s mouths.  i also wanted someone who could “snatch” the golden maknae title from j*ngkook,  which is the reason why armys fucking hates them and keep making up stuff about someone who’s not only globally liked but also j*ngkook’s number one wingman!  🙄

yvan actually went through a lot of fc changes until i started to pay attention to g-idle during the queencard era.  when i say everything clicked when i watched this yuqi fancam…  yeah.  since then i’ve never considered changing their fc.  yuqi is literally everything i envisioned for yvan  <3

xiaoting was one of their initial fcs and the one who stuck around the longest  (i even have old edits with her face and everything),  but i couldn’t quite see yvan in her as much as i wanted to  ):  

now ningning…   siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighs.  it’s similar to poppy’s situation with heejin—  though she’s the perfect candidate to be yvan’s face claim,  she was too young to be in a group with ’95 liners,  and i wasn’t going to age-bend anyone for that.  maybe in another universe…

i initially created the idea of yvan with yves in mind  (catch the “y” at the beginning of their stage names?  not really a coincidence lmao),  but due to some plot changes to fit the narrative of my friend’s and my ideas,  i decided to switch their ethnicity.

but wait.  alternate faceclaims but instead they are younger and have just debuted recently…  wait!

[gemwolfz]

since i am not sure if or when i will ever get back to that coming out day posting i will instead post full platoon headcanons here 🔥🔥🔥 under a cut because i intend to maintag and some people may not give a shit. also i expect to ramble. appending a big "to me, anyway" to all these because if i said that fifty times in the post it would be repetitive

keroro's gender is most accurately described as multiflux! he identifies with multiple genders at the same time- male, female, keronian genders you wouldn't get, exclusive genders only keroro understands- at different intensities at different moments. he mainly uses he/him, because, like, he's employed, but he appreciates being referred to in less masculine ways every now and then. because he's kind of a pretty girl ngl. he's also pansexual (i don't personally make a distinction between bi and pan, and usually default to the term bisexual, but idk keroro seems like someone who would label himself as pan dont ask me why) with a preference towards men. hey i can add nonqueer headcanons here too cant i. his ass has so much ADHD. also i posted yesterday that his behavior closely fits the description of narcissistic personality disorder HOWEVER thats a condition i dont know much about so im hesitant to decisively headcanon it for him yknow

tamama is bisexual (personally i have not witnessed proof of tamama caring about girls but the wiki is so confident about it that. well bi erasure would be bi erasure. we aint about that here 🫡) and also transgender 🔥 he's in the keronian version of the Awkward Transmasc Phase where if you're not read as a woman youre usually read as a middle schooler, and used to be more self-conscious about it, but since he's transitioned socially- he's tamama-kun within the platoon, and most pekoponians are completely unaware he was ever seen as a girl to begin with- he's quite happy with where he is now! anyway you know how i mentioned in one doodle post that i hc that fully metamorphosed female keronians are larger than males? well, being a bit of a brawler, tamama isn't really opposed to that concept, so although at his age Frog HRT would most likely trigger metamorphosis, he'd prefer to wait and metamorphose naturally before Starting Tesfrogsterone. best of both worlds! this trans frog is gnc and theres nothing you can do about it 🔥🔥🔥

giroro is bisexual. that's all he would have answered with in the coming out day posts because if youre cisgender whats the point in mentioning your gender right? anyone can tell he's a guy. look at that sharp, angry-looking brow, that big, gnarly scar, those monstrous fangs. those could only be appreciated on a man. and that's good, right? a soldier should be tough and intimidating. he's perfect. he should be proud. he says he is. so why is he so tired...? he shakes his head, and goes back to cleaning his arsenal. he's just frustrated that the invasion isn't going anywhere, that's all. really. Sorry i think i got possessed where was i. um i think giroro can also have little a autism as a treat

kululu is aroace, with no particular interest in seeking either of those types of relationships, romance averse but neutral towards sex. and he's apagender: he doesn't particularly care what gender people see him as. he does have his quirks- he enjoys presenting himself as girly every now and then, and is quite amused by being referred to as an "it" on occasion- but he considers these things more of a hobby or performance art than parts of his gender. just a bit of seasoning, some excitement. never let them know your next move. anyway hes also audhd (adhd autism combo pack). his headphones are noise cancelling, without them he will hear all his computers and the lights and the air conditioning and he will become the joker. i've also considered giving him Unique Alien Chronic Pain- i've got this kind of jokey headcanon where he secretes capsaicin due to his diet, sort of like a poison dart frog, and i thought an interesting consequence of that would be if that caused a constant burning feeling on his skin- but like idk if that would be a good idea? chronic pain is also not something i know much about

dororo is male, for all intents and purposes, but he doesn't care much about the label. he doesn't really believe in the gender binary these days, which is something he learned from living with koyuki; binary gender doesn't really exist in nature. he doesn't label his orientation, either, but for different reasons: being a professional assassin with a strict regiment doesn't really give a person much opportunity to explore in that area. he was never really in the dating scene, and doesn't expect to be thrown into it any time soon. if your relationship with the most loyal and taskfocused soldier you know is holding strong after you choose to defect from your planet and protect the one he's trying to invade, it's hard to imagine anything that could possibly break it down, you know?

i feel like this should have some kind of conclusion or something instead of just ending but idk lol. you get bonus headcanon which is that fuyuki is transmasc swag to me. aaand post

[lostfracturess]

NICIII i just read new s&c omg it was wonderful 🫶🏼💗 i had to download it off ao3 n read it bc choppy service while abroad (did u know all of s&c is like a 430 pg document 😭😭) but reading it on like a pdf document was lowkey such a vibe lol it felt like i was reading a novel

MY THOUGHTS sorry if this is messy i didn’t proofread lol

pls i feel so awkward every time satoru n reader flirt n talk sex in front of suguru ✋🏼😭 like i just KNOW my beautiful big tiddy goth gf suguru dies a lil om the inside everytime he has to hear them flirt LMFOAOAJDJ pls give him to me i’ll give him all the loving 🤲🏼 i still have to read r&r but everytime i read new s&c i fall more in love w s&c suguru 😭 he’s written soooo well and so canon, i can really picture it

AYOOO LETS GO ENZYME KINEMATICS MENTIONED 🗣️🗣️🗣️

pls the scene where she splashes coffee on his face. i died. i kinda want her

the parallel of her unconditional love tearing her apart the same way satoru’s addiction is tearing him apart…and reader’s declining health…the chronic MIGRAINES…HER FATHER THAT DIED FROM COGNITIVE COMPLICATIONS (can’t remember exactly what it was tho…was it glio?)…HER OVERWORKING HERSELF HMMMMMMMMMM i dont like this im so scared for my girl yn’s health rn 😭😭 i was already dreading satoru’s declining liver health striking angst outta now where but now yn’s on my radar too NICI PLS GO EASY ON ME 😭😭

my heart constricted so hard during the scene where her head is in his lap

i’m ngl maki is hella red flag for even suggesting the party knowing that reader was drugged by the guy who hosted it 💀 even if it’s to see naoya’s face smashed in or whatever, i would drop her so fast after that. i literally gasped when yuta was like is this a good idea n she just said “it’ll be fun” lmfao hmmmm maki i got my eye on you too 👁️ YUTA IS GOOD BOY THO I LOVE HIM

PLEASE him talking about the first time they stayed at the lab n he watched her sleeping n he thought it was wrong bc she’s his student but she looked so cute 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈 STOPPP i love shit like that gave me hella 🦋🦋

i’m not usually a fan of stories with like love at first sight concepts, or like where the guy says he knew all along sort of thing (i know im probably in SUCH a minority here 😂😂) idk maybe cuz im kind of a cynic n don’t believe in that stuff 💀 BUT IDKKKKKKKK WHEN S&C GOJO SAYS THAT IT HAS MY HEART BEATING SO FAST N LIKE I ACTUALLY BELIEVE HIM 😭 i feel so precious rn

loved the scene where he tried to tell her not to go to the party reader is way more feisty than me bc if hot older professor gojo told me off like that my ass would be SAT 😂😂 im like yes sir i won’t go anywhere 😭😭😭😭😭

i had to skim the smut mostly cuz i read the second half of chapter next to my mom in a taxi LOL but omg i saw a part where he was like “are you attached to these?” and he RIPS HER PANTIES OFF ✋🏼😍 stopp gimme him. also HIM ANSWERING THE PHONE WHILE NUTTING IN READER. JESUS. i need this man to stuff me like a thanksgiving turkey i’m not even joking

aaaa thanks for new chapter nici <33 i’m always so stunned by the way u put thinfs n all thr little metaphors n angst it’s beautifully writtwn n i cant wait for mooreee im so looking forward to reader properly meeting all of satoru’s family likeeeeeee i just know the childhood trauma dumping gonna go hard i am so sat for my meal. much love from meee <33

ahhhh ellie, omg, i'm so so glad you enjoyed the new chapter !! reading your thoughts and reactions always make me smile :''))

first of all, i can't believe s&c is already 430 pages long ??? i had no idea it was that much. but i'm so flattered that you downloaded the whole thing to read while abroad <33

and omg, yesss suguru poor baby, he really does suffer with these two. but he'll get better in his story :'')) & 'm sure he appreciates you volunteering to give him all the love he deserves hehe

& yes, yn's declining health is definitely concerning. all those migraines and her family history ?? it's not looking good. but i promise i'll go easy on her… maybe.

and i'm happy to read that the "love at first sight" trope works for you in this story, even when you're not such a fan of it. idk why but i love this trope. or like i would not call it "love" at first sight but like an undeniable attraction that has not only to do with like physical apperance or so hmmm idk, i'm just weak for that :''))

but ma'am, not the thanksgiving turkey ahahah !! i am deceased ☠️☠️ thank you so much for sharing your reaction ellie, you're the sweetest you know it !! <33

[blackshadowswriter]

BESTIE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, YOU ARE SO INSANE I LOVE YOU

Ok i'm ngl, I've been horrendously absent from here, but then I pop back in bc I need some of your fics to get me through the day, and then I see you've posted this?? fucking?? masterpiece???

The way I gasped at the summary and then gasped even louder at the warnings and then gasped again at the word count 😭😭 you spoil us too much with your writing girl and i'll always eat it up

I LOVE the premise to this so much, like I was already obsessed with your other vampire!reader x Matt series, but then I saw this one was VAMPIRE!MATT and I was like sign me tf plss 😫🙏 the idea of an interview is so creative and I could already tell there was gonna be so much sexy tensy where tf did that shorthand come from, i mean sexual tension ofcc

You were a curious child who turned into an even more curious adult. At times even a bitter one because she couldn’t get the answers she yearned for and had to do it herself. So, of course, the We Don’t Talk About Vampires rule came across as rather absurd, learning about it back when you were merely a teen.

Reader is such a mood with this one, like they said "don't talk about it" and she said "fuck you, I'm gonna" and I absolutely love that for her

He addressed you personally. Your name resembles a masterpiece, the letters swirling at the edges.

POETRYYYY, also I love how Matt takes the effort to write pretty and with a whole ass fountain pen, like mans is down BAD trynna impress her and I get it tbh

You don’t know me, but I know you.

DRAMATIC ASS MATTHEW BUT ALSO THAT'S KINDA HOT, WHY'D THAT GIVE ME CHILLS

also i might be chronically online too much, but this just made me hear that one "you dont know me but i know you" sound in my head 😭

I can offer you a different path. A story. Answers to your questions. And the unfiltered truth of a 242-year-old man.

The 242 sounded so fucking dry LMAO like I can hear Matt saying it with a heavy sigh, poor baby is too done with this life 😭

As you are about to approach the entrance, your fingertips start to burn. A gasp escapes past your lips. Staring down, the cubical piece of paper goes up in flames. You are mere feet from the door, nowhere near close to an open source of fire, and the card starts to burn like a wildfire.

AGAIN DRAMATIC FOR NO REASON MATTHEW WHY, also the way this would have scared the shit outta me so badly, reader is sm stronger than i could ever be 😖✊

You imagine him to be an old man, possibly middle-aged.

LMAO BABY YOU JUST WAITTTT tbh matty would be hot anyways so idc id fuck him any age OK IM SORRY

Their venom rivals the intoxicating feeling of heroin, you’ve heard, and it heightens your senses to the point all you can feel is the one who bit you. Research suggests it’s a million times stronger than an orgasm, for both the vampire and the human being.

THE WAY MY FACE TRANSFORMED INTO THE SMIRKY EMOJI BECAUSE I KNEW EXACTLYYY WHERE THIS IS GOING, BITY SEX LETS GOOOO

He’s wearing a simple suit without a tie, and the white of his shirt is as pristine and clean as the cut of his beard. You can see chest hair poking out from underneath the two open buttons, as dark as the locks on his head.

MATTHEW IN THE BLACK SUIT WITH THE WHITE DRESS SHIRT, I CAN'T ✋���😫 NOT TO MENTION THE CHEST HAIR, BESTIE YOU'RE KILLING ME WITH THIS

thank you sm for your service with the white shirt and the chest hair, you are my saviorrrrr

“You–” The blood has collected in your head, pushing the temperature in the room to an all-time high. “Get out of my body!” you snap. He laughs. “That’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear.”

DIRTY MIND DIRTY MIND, MATTHEW YOU NAUGHTY CATHOLIC tbf he has reason to be smug, like i wouldnt say that either, now 'get in' is a different story-ok ill stop being horny now

That summer, Elektra drained him. He didn’t know what she was. She fooled him. He was obsessed with her. Her dark eyes he couldn’t see lured her in, and it was the venom in her blood that became his downfall after she dug her teeth into him.

I LOVE how you worked Elektra in like that, like it's an AU but it follows the plot SO WELL and your description of her actually has me IN LOVE, ITS GORGEOUS

I am Daredevil, not even God can stop that now.

THE LINEEE HE SAID IT, HE SAID THE LINE YESS, peak writing at its finest, bestie 😌👏

“I only exist for myself now. I only bleed for myself. No God, no church, and no more religion. I’m not Jesus, I’m Judas, and I retired the cross the day I was crucified."

OH MY GOD, THE RELIGIOUS IMAGERY, I LOVE IT? BESTIE YOU'RE ACTUALLY A FUCKING POET HOLY SHIT. "im judas and i retired the day I was crucified" ASDLKFJA THIS IS THE BEST SHIT I'VE EVER READ, IDK WHY THIS ONE LINE MAKES ME FERAL BUT IT'S SO GOOD WHAT THE FUCK

You no longer see money in this, or a story to chase, you only see Matthew, and the halo above his head he still believes is a pair of horns.

THE HALO HE BELIEVES ARE HORNS, GOOD LORD AGAIN??? MORE BEAUTIFUL RELIGIOUS IMAGERY??? HOW ARE YOU COMING UP WITH THIS BESTIE, IM IN ACTUAL LOVE RN

Matt towers over you in all of his intimidating glory. His eyes spark red, but you hold his unfocused gaze. He has such beautiful eyes. This pull between you is far from human; it’s unhealthy, and it is exactly where he wanted to get you. You’re trapped, pinned underneath him like a deer caught in headlights. 

help i cant breath now MATT PINING HER AGAINST THE WALL AND JUST TOWERING OVER HER IS SO HOT AHHH

and his eyes, pls they're so pretty 😩 READER IS LIVING MY DREAM RIGHT NOWWW

His palm rests on your chest. Your heart pounds against his palm. “You’re so alive,” he says. You cradle his face in your hands. “And you’re more human than you think.” If he wanted to pull your heart out and hold it, you would let him in a heartbeat. 

ADLKFJSD THEY ARE SUCH SOULMATES, THE PARALLEL OF THOSE LINES IM GONNA JUMP OFF A BRIDGE, THEY'RE SO PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER

The invisible string between you glows a bright crimson. It slings around you, tying you together like the roots of a tree. It’s an eternal sacrifice. You are giving your all to him, the very core of your existence that is now flowing into his mouth

This shit simultaneously has me tearing up and feral clawing at my screen because INVISBLE STRING I LOVE THAT, THEY ARE SO SWEET THIS IS WHAT I CALL LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT and also ETERNAL SACRIFICE? HELP THEY ARE SO DEVOTED I CANT

He breathes in again, your arousal sweeter than fiction.

🎶this life is sweeter than fiction🎶 I LOVE THE REFERENCES, I thought "invisible string" was just a coincidence but thissss

“Hey.” Matt tilts your head toward him. “Where did you just go?” he asks. “Thinking about you,” you murmur. “Me?” “You.” “Why?” “Because I want to be your salvation.”

THEM 😭😩🤧🥰 literally they are such goals fr, like idc he's a vampire that makes him hotter I WANT THIS TOO, I LOVE HOW SWEET THEY ARE, THE SALVATION PART IS SO BEAUTIFULLLL

That night, you fell in love with the Devil, but he also fell in love with you, his angel in the form of a reckless journalist, and the only blood he ever wants to taste again until the end of his miserable, cursed days.

And now im crying, "his angel" THIS IS SO FUCKING SWEET AND AGAIN SO POETICALLY BEAUTIFUL OMFGGG "the only blood he ever wants to taste" THIS IS PEAK DEVOTION RIGHT HERE

bestie you put crack in this fic and didn't disclose it and that should be illegal because holy shittt you have me HOOKED on this, like I am DESPERATE for more of them, I LOVE IT SO MUCH YOU ARE SUCH AN AMAZING WRITERRRR

Interview With The Vampire | Vampire!Matt Murdock x F!Reader

-> Main Masterlist

Pairing: Vampire!Matt Murdock x F!Reader (she/her)

Summary: You are the first journalist to interview Hell’s Kitchen’s resident vampire vigilante after he requested you personally to tell his story. He’s offering you a way out of your miserable job—to make your voice be heard. You’re desperate and curious, so you decide to take the risk. Most people only know him as Daredevil, but you are about to learn who’s really behind the mask. How hard can it possibly be? As it turns out, interviewing a vampire is a lot more complex than you expected it to be, and Matthew Michael Murdock has set his mind on ruining you for any other man to come.

Warnings: SMUT (18+ MINORS DNI), alternative universe, blood play, marking, scent kink, slight Dom!Matt, unprotected p in v, oral f!receiving, biting, vampirism, angst, religious imagery & symbolism, Catholic guilt, mentions of violence, allusions to suicidal thoughts, lots of plot, age gap

Word Count: 12.2k (this is a beast)

Other Characters: Vampire!Elektra (mentioned), Ben Urich (mentioned)

A/n: I finally got this one edited. This is a beast, y’all! I drew inspiration from Anne Rice’s Interview With The Vampire, but particularly the 2022 AMC series (I fell in love with it then and there), but it’s not based on it, so I just played around with the idea and this came out. It’s a lot, but it wasn’t enough for a full-blown series, so you’re getting a big ass One Shot instead. I used my usual Smut tag list, but since this is slightly Dead Dove Do Not Eat, heed the warnings and proceed with care! Don't read it if you don't want to. Anyway, I hope you like it!

Read Me On AO3!

The sun has long set over the Big Apple. Artificial neon, cars, and ceiling lights burning in the highrises along the riverfront cancel out the darkness that has befallen the country’s east. Noise melts into a flood that rolls over people’s senses, but most in New York City have grown numb to the city that never sleeps. 

Sirens follow cacophonies of screams. Teenagers get into clubs with their fake IDs, adults get drunk in bars or go to work the night shift at their underpaid jobs, and the other half cry themselves to sleep, knowing they will have to get up in the morning and go through the same hell all over again. 

Life has become a miserable existence, and it leaves human beings wondering, ‘How much longer do we have to endure this before we all finally drop dead?’

The system fails them. The law fails to protect them. All they can do is lie down and wait to die. And they will die sooner or later. That’s inevitable. 

In Hell’s Kitchen, in a penthouse with a view of the Hudson through colored windows that gloss over during the day and show the city throughout the night, resides someone who most of the city only knows by an alias—Daredevil. 

If anyone crosses him, he will suck them dry. It’s not a metaphor, I’m afraid; his reputation precedes him. Criminals fear the red eyes that come with fists and a sharp set of teeth that will surely run them into the ground. The rest of the city feels a little safer with him, but so far, no one has dared to question his nature. 

Fear is known to work as a paralytic. And this man living in the penthouse by the Hudson is the personification of what one might consider fear-inducing. Without the fear of others, he would not be thriving. 

An apex predator like him lives for the thrill of the kill. When the adrenaline spikes, it makes the prey start running and the blood taste so much sweeter. It is to a creature of his kind what a good glass of century-old red wine would be to a human being; he savors every last drop of it.

Two years out of your Master’s degree at Columbia University, you have become one of those hard-working adults who fall into bed later than they should, and you lie awake at night, wondering how much longer you have to exist before you can live.

You interned at the Bulletin; you ran the true crime and mystery column for over a year before the newspaper shut down. A billionaire from downtown Manhattan bought it to start his own magazine, and you were the only employee he didn’t fire. Instead of relying on your top-tier education and experience though, he has banned you to the lifestyle and beauty column. He’s a beast if you have ever seen one. 

On a Monday in June then, after the sun has risen and is now falling again, you find an envelope on your desk. You glide your fingers over the fancy paper. The letters are written in handwriting that resembles the old letters from the 18th century you had the pleasure of using as research material for your Bachelor’s thesis.

Your heart skips a beat. Could it be…

It is no secret that vampires exist.

Over two decades ago, scientists published papers on the existence of blood-sucking creatures after years of valuable research, and now governments around the world have set out to burn the inhuman species out before they can cause any more damage. Vampirism though is older than humanity itself and unless law enforcement has evidence of homicide, vampires have the right to exist amongst humans. 

They are excellent at hiding their true nature, that much is true. The lore that has been passed down since the beginning of time is only partly true. They know how to adapt and rise from the ashes like elegant phoenixes. The misconceptions surrounding their existence stem from fiction, horror, and fear, but they persist. 

And a rule has been established in society ever since the truth was revealed: don’t talk about vampires! 

Don’t talk about them unless it’s in a fictional context. Don’t put your research out there. Don’t fraternize with them. Don’t risk becoming prey. Don’t be fascinated by them, and God forbid, don’t you dare write articles about them for the public records. If you want to know about vampires, you have to dig, and you have to do so quietly or society will deem you crazy and a freak. 

The worst thing to be is not a flying android or a super soldier with a shield; the worst thing you can be, in this day and age, is a vampire. 

You were a curious child who turned into an even more curious adult. At times even a bitter one because she couldn’t get the answers she yearned for and had to do it herself. So, of course, the We Don’t Talk About Vampires rule came across as rather absurd, learning about it back when you were merely a teen. 

You started researching, and you found out more than you thought you would—more than you thought you could. You wanted to cover the issue in the Bulletin back when you still worked there, but since humans were raised to fear the very mention of vampires in the real world, no longer romanticizing the concept but rather running from it, the truth shall remain hidden. Again, that seemed absurd, but you had to accept it to get ahead. 

You kept researching to the point you convinced yourself you could be one of them if you tried. You felt like you understood them, but nothing could ever fully answer all of your questions to the point it felt truthful. Honest. Real. 

Growing up, everyone told you dead things aren’t supposed to walk. They aren’t supposed to breathe and exist among the living. They are cruel, and vampires are killers that leave trails of bodies the government is hiding from us. Greediness exceeds common sense. The human mind tends to get sick and twisted, and those who don’t fit in hardly ever stand a chance.

Hell’s Kitchen is particularly quiet on the issue. Rumor has it that the vigilante chasing criminals at night and leaving the worst of them dry at the shore of the Hudson while, at the same time, surrendering those he deems worthy of rehabilitation to the authorities, is one of those vampires. 

They call him Daredevil; the savior of innocents and the downfall of the vile. Only a handful of people know who he is. The truth is caught in a spider web of lies, unable to come out unless someone were to tell his story for the world to hear. 

That Monday in June when you open the mysterious envelope on your desk, everything changes. 

He addressed you personally. Your name resembles a masterpiece, the letters swirling at the edges. 

You don’t know me, but I know you.

It’s strange to read your name out of the mouth of a stranger.

I must admit, Miss, I’m a big fan of your writing. And I’m not talking about the lifestyle and beauty column Mr. Doherty of the ‘Silver Lining’ has confined you to.

No, I am a big fan of the work you used to do for the New York Bulletin. I remember your name headlining many articles on crime here in Hell’s Kitchen—a column my late friend Ben Urich used to call his home.  

It’s a shame that the paper was shut down. I tried to prevent it, but the disappearance of half of humanity and Wilson Fisk’s irreparable damage to the city’s foundation tied my hands. 

The token female journalist reporting on unsolicited beauty advice and lifestyle choices no one is going to follow in the days of social media and fake marketing. It must be frustrating, right? Not having a story to tell. Not getting recognized for your impeccable talent. The Bulletin gave you a platform, but Mr. Doherty and his goons took that away from you.

What I’m asking myself is, are you satisfied? You were probably imagining a different future for yourself. A woman of your caliber must want to be more than a mere object used to make a bottomless magazine look better on the market. 

Excuse my overstepping. I read one of your essays on the magical and the mythic—lore versus reality—the other day, and it inspired me. My life has been taking quite a few turns lately, so I required some new… let’s call it insight. 

You don’t know me, but I am one of those creatures you are fascinated by. I’m the kind of creature people have been telling you not to write about because the weak minds of the public would not receive it well. The Catholics, the church, the fragile and fearful human beings that can’t imagine anything in fiction being real and want to remain the superior species—trust me, I know what it feels like to be backed into a corner. To be abandoned. To be underestimated. Not quite like you, I admit, but I have a few years of experience in and with this world to show for myself. 

I imagine you’re tired of your position. I imagine you’re dissatisfied with human idiocy. You crave answers to your questions. Questions you have been asking yourself ever since college failed to answer them. My kind is being censored���partly for good reason—but that doesn’t sit right with you, does it? To live life in a monotone line with no clear way out of this boring rhythm you have had to fall into? 

I can offer you a different path. A story. Answers to your questions. And the unfiltered truth of a 242-year-old man. 

You are going to find a card with my address attached to this letter. I can assure you, sweetheart, we both want the same thing. I will wash your hands if you wash mine. Think about it, and come find me when you have made your decision. Preferably after the sun has set. 

Yours sincerely,

M.

The paper crumbles in your hands, but only at the corners. Your eyes are glued to the lost drops of ink, the blue blood of an old fountain pen caving under too much pressure. 

He chose his words carefully. Every paragraph circles around your head. You breathe in, and it suddenly feels as though the whiff of the unknown is an inhalable drug, twisting your brain inside out. 

The pull threatens to submerge you in a stormy ocean. You’re flailing your arms around helplessly, but there is nothing for you to hold onto. All buoys have drifted into oblivion, leaving a sea of utter emptiness behind, and in the midst of it, there you are, drowning.

In a moment of clarity, you fold the letter back down on the desk. It lands with a thud, and you look around frantically, checking if anyone is watching you. They aren’t. 

M. That’s all he’s giving you. And the fact he is over two hundred years old proves the rumors to be true. He’s standing by it, but only to you. He wants to reveal himself to you, show you his true face for a story, but he’s a vampire. 

You’re alone. You can wash his hands, but is just showing up enough for him? You don’t even know him. 

You’re in trouble. This time though, you didn’t even do anything. You did your job, and he caught an interest in you. How does that work? 

Your heart skips another beat. It should not, but it does. The danger is exciting. It shouldn't be exciting. You hate what your body is doing, but how can you make it stop? You can’t. You can’t do anything but take it.

This stranger has got you in a chokehold, but in his hands, you might as well surrender to your certain demise. You don’t consider vampires inherently evil, but there is a reason people warn you not to walk alone at night in Hell’s Kitchen. He’s dangerous, no matter his nature, and he is not supposed to lure you in the way he does.

But you’re a curious kitten, and he is offering you the holy grail of answers to questions you have been grappling with for years. He hit the nail right on the head. And it doesn’t even scare you how well he knows you. 

This is a gold mine. Realistically speaking, telling a vampire’s story could make or break your career as a journalist. If you do it for the magazine, you’re done before you can even bring your words to print, but if you do it individually and you do it well, people will certainly eat it up. The question is just, are you going to play your entire life safe, conforming to your boss’s view of you until you get the freedom you crave, or are you going to take the risk and fly? 

The answer is as clear as day, but it takes you a moment to process. It’s as though someone is in your head, steering you in the direction of whoever this M is. Daredevil. This vampire who wants you to interview him, and for what? That’s still an open question you don’t have the answer to. But you do know what to do.

You scramble for your laptop, your notepad, and the letter in the envelope. The clock strikes four. You have another two hours on the clock, but you can’t be bothered to stay. 

Upon hearing the sound of your shoes hurriedly scraping against the linoleum floors, one of your colleagues turns in her chair. “Where are you going?” she asks.

“I, uh, have somewhere to be,” you tell her as you brush past her.

“What, now?”

“Yeah. I forgot I had an appointment.”

“What about Mr. Doherty?”

You stop on your way out, looking back over your shoulder. “If everything works out,” you say, glancing through the window to his office at the other end of the hall, “He’ll have my letter of resignation by the end of the week.”

She gasps softly. “You’re quitting?” her voice is barely above a whisper.

Almost sinisterly, you chuckle. “That’s the plan, yeah.”

“But—”

“Tell your daughter Happy Birthday from me. I gotta go.”

Your steps echo for minutes still, but you are long gone with the wind.

Silver linings are considered an advantage that comes from an unpleasant situation. The name has proven to be entirely unfit for the magazine that replaced a big piece of Hell’s Kitchen’s history. The Bulletin had cultural value as much as it was laden with decades of the city’s stories told to the average person. 

Wilson Fisk was the dynamite that sent New York alight. The Bulletin’s destruction was mere collateral damage in the fight to get the city back on track. You have had so many reasons to leave presented to you, yet you never took them. If you had, maybe you wouldn’t be here, making bad decisions on what started as just another Monday in June. 

The fact is though, you didn’t leave, and you are here now. Facts are what matter. They count. Your hypothetical past, present, and future have no place in this reality because you can’t travel back or forward in time. Vampires may exist, and the Avengers time-traveled to save the world, but things aren’t quite as easy once you look at the bigger picture. You are not a superhero, you’re just a journalist chasing the kind of story that will finally make her voice be heard. 

You know that Ben Urich, at least, would be proud of you.

His address weighs heavy on the small card you pulled out of the envelope earlier that evening. You passed it on to the cab driver, and he began to navigate the dark streets of Hell’s Kitchen. The luxury condominiums in this part of the city can be counted on one hand. You know exactly when you’re there. 

The sun has once again set over New York City. You’re wide awake, not quite sure though if you’re ready to face what you are walking blindly into. Even your driver refuses to take you past a certain point, and that is how you know that you’re not dreaming. This is real, and it’s supposed to be terrifying. 

How come you’re not scared then?

You slip twenty dollars to the cab driver, then climb out of the backseat. The salty air from the Hudson River a few blocks down wafts around your sensitive nose. In the distance, you can hear waves crashing into the docks as the wind picks up in speed. The boats must be moving wildly by now, swaying from side to side and possibly even making the fish in the depths of the water seasick. You would be if you were them. 

With every step, you grow closer to your target. On second thought, maybe you should have brought more than just a pathetic bottle of pepper spray and your precious laptop. You could have brought your grandfather’s cassette recorder, at least that would leave a mark if you hit someone over the head with it. 

Do vampires get concussions? That is another question you can add to the seemingly endless list in your mind. It’s a confusing place as of late, and the weird sense that someone is playing with the controls won’t leave you alone. Either you are overthinking, or you are worse off than you originally thought. 

The apartment complex the card directs you to stretches high above you. You look up, seeing not a single light on. That’s odd, you think, but then again, you are meeting with the city’s most notorious man. If he is who everyone says he is, and if the rumors are even true, that is. 

As you are about to approach the entrance, your fingertips start to burn. A gasp escapes past your lips. Staring down, the cubical piece of paper goes up in flames. You are mere feet from the door, nowhere near close to an open source of fire, and the card starts to burn like a wildfire. 

You pull back, your heart hammering against your ribcage. The ashes fall to the ground, but before they can hit the asphalt, they vanish.

“What the–” before you can finish, the doors before you swing open toward the inside. The lights turn on. Someone even has called the elevator for you. 

Another step forward, and a voice stops you. “Fourth floor, down the hallway, first door to your right,” the voice says through the speaker. Only then do you notice the lack of a doorbell. 

Everything in you is screaming for you to run, but you are rooted in the spot. He dragged you here with a mere letter, and you were more than ready to jump. Desperation was the only thing that drove you here. Your brain seems incapable of rational thought.

What if that is what he wanted all along? To get you complicit by playing on what you so desperately need, which is a story and a way out of this boring everyday life that is threatening to slowly kill you.

He’s like a siren, luring you into his deadly trap, but even knowing all of this, you still can’t find it in yourself to run. 

The second you enter the building, the door shuts behind you, and your only way out is officially locked. You made the decision; you have dug your own grave, possibly quite literally, and now you have to lie in it. It’s better to die chasing a good story than dying at a desk in an office that doesn’t respect you.

You are a disgrace, you can hear your father’s voice in the back of your mind. He always warned you not to be too reckless or your bad decisions will eventually catch up with you. He always taught you not to trust strangers, and to stay the hell away from those who disgrace God, but you have never cared much about being a good girl. 

Your thoughts are as morbid as your obsession with the walking undead. It is time you embrace what people are already saying about you.

The elevator ride feels like an eternity. It goes up and up and up until it finally stops on the fourth floor. The walls smell like nothing but a faint hint of bleach. It’s clean, parquette not carpet, and the walls are kept in a shade resembling a mixture between crimson and maroon, and it is blending into a sort of marble.

The metal doors slide open. Again, you hesitate. A sweet whisper echoes in your ear, dragging you toward the edge. You breach the border between the elevator and the hallway that waits behind it. The voice is distant, and it doesn’t sound human—it reminds you of a siren’s song, calling for you. He is calling for you, and a fog settles over your mind. You’re not in control anymore, he is. 

You imagine him to be an old man, possibly middle-aged. Vampires stop aging when they’re turned. Their mind doesn’t. You’ve read the research plenty. They are wise beings, more intelligent than human beings could ever fathom. That makes them dangerous. 

Their venom rivals the intoxicating feeling of heroin, you’ve heard, and it heightens your senses to the point all you can feel is the one who bit you. Research suggests it’s a million times stronger than an orgasm, for both the vampire and the human being. 

Part of you has always wanted to try it. Part of you wants to know what it feels like to be sucked dry. You want to know what it feels like to be carried into a new dimension by someone who knows how to play the human body like a fucking piano, eliciting the sweetest melody through your very essence and the symphony of your moans.  

This M—Daredevil—is inherently dangerous. He’s as mysterious as they come; a man in a mask lurking in the dark corners of Hell’s Kitchen every night, turning the fight for justice into his hunting ground. 

It’s as though he curled his fingers, and you followed. 

You walk the dark hallway down to the door on the right. Paintings litter the walls. Masterpieces, blotches of white, red, and color. You recognize the red marble as a decorative theme on the wallpaper. Tracing your fingers over it, the rough drywall scratches at your skin. 

You reach out a shaky hand toward the golden knob. Before you can turn it though, the door already flings open. It must be witchcraft. 

Red appears to be his favorite color. At least judging from the hallway, that is true. When you step into the room with a pounding heart and blood pooling in your cheeks though, the inside of the room is a lot more… human. You wouldn’t have guessed it from the gloominess surrounding you on your way there.

A leather couch and armchairs stand in the middle, facing toward the window front. Colored windows, as you have gathered from the rumors. They are see-through now though, showing the city skyline and the moon up high. The chandelier on the ceiling is the only piece of furniture you would consider old. Browns meet hues of blue and dark green, a forest at midnight, and you suck in a sharp breath. The apartment is beautiful. 

You look to your left and see a bookshelf stretching the length of the wall. You can’t help but run your hand over the backs. You would have expected original editions from the 18th or 19th century, but when your fingers trace over the bindings, you are met with the bulging of Braille underneath the elegant golden writing of the titles. None of them seem to have collected dust. It surprises you to only find a mere handful of classics that haven’t been transcribed in Braille and a realization you did not expect starts to crawl its way forward.

“I stole that one from a library in Paris.”

Your racing heart stops beating. The book you’ve been holding falls to the ground, its worn-out leather cracking further around the spine. The thud is deafening. You gasp, turning around. Your shoulders fly up as the tension ripples through every last muscle in your bone. Your bones ache just from how stiff you’re standing, but you can’t move.

The man before you moves as quietly as a mouse. You didn’t hear him coming. The moonlight reflects off his dark brown hair, making it appear almost ginger. He’s wearing a simple suit without a tie, and the white of his shirt is as pristine and clean as the cut of his beard. You can see chest hair poking out from underneath the two open buttons, as dark as the locks on his head. His jawline is irresistibly sharp, leading up to a pair of plump lips he is wrapping around the brim of a crystal glass filled with rum.

Your heart remains frozen. Not a single drop of blood pumps through your veins, yet your cheeks burn brighter than a bonfire on a pitch-black night. 

But his flawless appearance is not what catches your attention the most. Looking up into his eyes, wanting to know whether they are as red as those set into the devil’s mask, you find nothing but your terrified reflection staring back at you. It’s as blurry as the picture of your face in a still ocean’s water, your wide eyes staring back at yourself. 

The red glasses are all you can see. Round with a black rim. Silver would have looked better on him, or maybe even gold. The black reminds you of an endless pit, a sinister embrace of vampire stereotypes, but you can’t look away from the maroon that won’t allow you even a glimpse into his eyes. They are shielding him from the world, and his eyes from curious, stupid humans like you.

He nods toward the ground. “You gonna pick that up?” he asks. His voice reminds you of rumbling gravel. 

He looks like a man. He talks like a man. If you didn’t know better, you would say he is human. There seems to be blood in his cheeks and air in his lungs. 

You have to pull yourself together. Clearing your throat, you bend down and pick the book back up.

“Thank you,” he utters your name. “It’s been a while since I’ve received visitors that don’t work for me.”

You put the book back on the shelf. Your lips are sewn shut; you can’t find the words. Every time you open your mouth like a fish on dry land, you close it again, and it is embarrassing to be standing in front of him with your guard down. 

“Welcome to my home,” he says. You wish you could see his eyes to know if he’s mocking you. “Do you want a drink, or do you need another minute to process?”

He is mocking you. His tone is gentle, as is his voice, but he smirks like a smug motherfucker, and your anger boils to a tipping point. The candle is about to burn out. 

“I–” you stammer. Internally, you curse yourself for being such a fool. 

“Another minute it is then.”

You don’t need a minute though. “You’re blind,” you blurt out. 

The beautiful—deadly—stranger nods. “Yeah.“

“How?”

“Accident when I was a kid.”

“But you’re…” you leave the missing part of that sentence hanging in the air like a noose. 

“Say it,” he murmurs. You want to say it sounds like a growl, but you’re not sure. He isn’t asserting dominance or trying to force you into submission by scaring you away, but he is toying with you regardless. 

You take a deep breath. The word, the truth, numbers your tongue and your lips with its weight. “A vampire,” you say, your voice barely above a whisper, matching his. 

His smirk broadens. He pushes his tongue against the inside of his cheek for a moment, then releases it as it darts out to wet his bottom lip. “I’m a blind vampire, yes,” he answers. “We’re rare, but we do exist.”

Blind vampires. In all of your years of fascination, that has never crossed your mind. You used to believe that they had healing abilities that far exceeded your own. You were wrong. He lost his eyesight before he got turned into a vampire. He lived as a blind human being and didn’t regain his most crucial sense when he died. 

He came back to life, but he died. It is surreal to stand across from him. He’s not just letters on a piece of paper, he is very much real. And he’s blind. 

“Oh, my God,” you curse.

That elicits a soft chuckle from him. “I was starting to think you wouldn’t come,” he says. 

“I was considering not to.” 

He sees right through you with those empty glasses. “That’s a lie.”

“How would you know?” you counter. 

“I can hear your heartbeat. The blood pumping in your veins…” His head tilts ever so slightly in your direction. You take a step back. It’s an instinct. “Your pulse picks up when you lie, or when you’re nervous, or both,” he states. “When you first saw me, your heart skipped a beat. It did again when you lied to me.”

Your eyes trail down to his thick thighs perfectly fitted in his tailored trousers. His thick digits pat the rhythm with his fingers on the fabric. Thud-thudthudthud-thud. You place a hand on your chest. He wasn’t wrong; your heart is racing. 

His smirk turns into a smile, but only briefly again. It’s a glimpse of humanity he doesn’t want you to see. “I like that sound,” he says. “Has anyone ever told you that you smell good? Sweet, sour, and a little salty. Natural. You don’t use a lot of artificial perfume, but you like cherry chapstick.”

You swallow, taking a whiff of your arm. Besides your deodorant masking the scent of your nervous sweat, you smell nothing. How good must his nose be? His hearing? His sense of taste? 

“Right now, sweat is dripping down your back, and your muscles are tense enough to strain against your bones every time you breathe. Your heart just skipped a beat again. You find it weird,” he muses. “I can’t turn it off, but I get it must be strange for you.” 

“You–” The blood has collected in your head, pushing the temperature in the room to an all-time high. “Get out of my body!” you snap. 

He laughs. “That’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear.”

“And I never thought you would ask for an audience with me, but here we are.”

“Here you are.” 

You want nothing more than to wipe that smirk off his face. He looks so smug, standing there with his drink, wearing a suit too fancy for his own home. He’s fully in his element. It’s scary how alluring he is, too. You don’t want to think that way, but as soon as your eyes gaze upon him again, your chest contracts, and you forget how to breathe. 

He’s a wolf, and you’re a lonely little sheep that doesn’t know any better. That lonely little sheep just wants to be a part of something bigger, even if that means surrendering herself to the big bad wolf. He wants a taste of her, and the sheep would give him that in a heartbeat if he just asked. 

You blink. There is a voice in your head, and it isn’t your own. Far from it. You don’t want to be associated with this stranger. She thinks she knows you. She thinks she knows what you want—the sheep in the eyes of her natural enemy. This voice is the most irrational you could be, and you need to stop letting her win.

And yet you—not just the voice of the lonely sheep you appear to be—would follow this man anywhere, even to hell if he asked you to. 

Your eyes drill knives into his skull, but they are also full of curiosity. Can he hear your thoughts? Your heart beats in your throat. You can taste it on your tongue. If you bit your lip, you would bleed, and he would probably fall into a frenzy. Still, your teeth dig into your bottom lip. What if he can hear your thoughts—hear how fucking needy you are? You’re pathetic. What he must think of you, standing across from him, smaller than human life itself. 

You want to read him, but he is far from an open book. He’s not Braille you can run your fingers over, and even if he was, you don’t know how to read it. He’s an enigma. His face is set in stone; an iron mask you can’t penetrate. 

His chest heaves with another chuckle. He sets the crystal glass down on the coffee table, taking a step forward. “No, I can’t read your mind,” he says. 

You flinch. “What?”

“Your breathing pattern. The way you look at me. I can sense that you’re thinking about something.” He adjusts his glasses. “It’s just… Most humans ask me if I can read their minds, you know. I can’t. Some vampires can, but my senses are the only heightened ability I have.” This time, when he chuckles, a hint of bitterness dances in his voice. 

“At least you’re not in my head then,” you say. 

“No.”

“Good.”

A pregnant pause follows. You clutch your bag to your chest, your fingers digging into the frame of your hidden laptop. 

“Can I offer you a drink?” he asks, pointing to his empty glass.

You wave him off. That’s the last thing on your mind. “No, thank you.”

Sometimes at night, you fantasize about diving into the abyss of darkness. It looks and sounds a terrifying lot like him. You want to know him. You need to know him. When it comes to him and this—whatever this is—the lines between want and need are blurring into an unidentifiable mess. It’s an ocean of emotions with no land in sight. A total eclipse of the heart, if you will. You’re losing your mind.

“What you can do–” You straighten your shoulder, hoping it will add height to your beaten confidence. “You can tell me your name. Sir,” you say. 

He nods. “I suppose it would only be fair, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes, it would.”

“Matthew. My name’s Matthew.” The softness of his features as his lips move to the rhythm of his words takes you back anew. His eyebrows raise slightly, and you catch a glimpse of a pair of beautiful, unfocused hazel eyes that steal your breath away. 

Matthew. It is a name that easily rolls off the tongue. It suits him.

You repeat his name aloud. “That’s an odd name for a 200-something-year-old man,” you point out. 

Matthew scoffs. “My parents were both Catholic.”

“I suppose you’re not?”

You hit a sore spot. His head dips, fingers running over his nails and tongue tracing his teeth. “Not anymore,” he says.

God died for him a long time ago, and all churches burned down.

Your grip on your bag loosens. “Then why Daredevil?” you ask. 

His lips part. “I, uh, have the Bulletin to thank for that one. After centuries of existing in this world, and being despised for no matter what I do, I’ve decided to embrace it. I am Daredevil, not even God can stop that now.”

Matt grabs his glass, turning away from you. He doesn’t use a cane to navigate from the couch to the mini bar on the other end of the room. You carefully follow his movements. One of his hands remains at his side, snapping his fingers as he navigates the familiar terrain of his home. 

He uncaps a half-empty bottle of Whiskey to pour himself another glass. 

“You know, Matthew,” you prompt, daring to step forward an inch, “as big as your reputation is in this part of the city, Silver Lining is not the kind of magazine that would cover your story.”

“You still came,” he says. 

“I could lose my job if anyone knew I came here.”

“And yet you’re here and not where you should be.” He turns his head over his shoulder. “You wouldn’t risk losing your job if it wasn’t important to you, would you?”

You stammer, “I–” He’s got you. You’re a fish with a hook in her mouth. 

“If Silver Lining Magazine won’t cover my story, why are you here?” Matt turns back to you, leaning back against the shiny Mahagoni of his minibar. It offers a beautiful contrast to his strong physique and the slight paleness of his skin. “Could it be because you’re fascinated by the mythic?” he asks, teasing. “By werewolves and witches and vampires?”

It’s your turn to scoff. “I won’t confirm or deny. My boss wouldn’t let me write a vampire vigilante exposé even if I begged him to.”

“And that’s why Mr. Doherty doesn’t deserve you.” Your body visibly recoils when he pushes forward, moving just an inch toward you. “Your curiosity is a virtue,” he purrs. The moonlight sets your reflection in his glasses alight. 

“Is that why you lured me here?” you ask him. “Because my curiosity is a virtue and you consider yourself better than the people in my life?”

“I didn’t lure you here, and I think you know that. That’s not what this is.” The distance between you starts to shrink, backing you into a corner. “I believe you came here because the thought of interviewing a vampire and sharing your findings with the world on your account excites you,” he says. “You want to be heard. You want to be taken seriously as a journalist, and you want to make people happy.”

The only way for you to come out of this with your pride and dignity still intact is to put up walls before the already existent labyrinth of walls keeping your heart guarded and your soul safe. “Again,” you ask, “why me?”

“Why not you? As I stated in my letter, I’m a fan of your work.”

You roll your eyes. “Yeah, about that. How did you write that if you’re blind?”

“I didn’t, my secretary did.”

“Of course.” Of course, he has a secretary. “I… I just don’t get it,” you say. “You’ve been hiding for so long–” 

Matt cuts you off with an urgency you didn’t expect, “Things have changed. Circumstances…” he trails off. 

“Wouldn’t it be a suicide mission?” 

His answer is silence. You let out an exasperated sigh. “If you want me to interview you, you have to be honest with me.”

“I’m not on the record yet.”

“Right. Maybe you can answer this though—off the record, of course—how can you be certain I didn’t call the cops or the FBI before I came here?”

His eyes crinkle. “I’m not stupid, sweetheart,” he says. 

He’s amused. You’re amusing him. 

“Don’t call me that,” you growl. 

He’s spreading you open, holding up a mirror for you to look into. It’s your miserable self in all its glory, and he knows you better than you know yourself. 

You ignore the sharp pain in your left ribcage as you pull the arrow out of your heart. “Unless someone holds up a sign that they are pro-vampirism, how would you even know I’d listen to you and not just refer you to the Journal of Psychiatry?” 

“Are you telling me you don’t believe in vampires?” Matt quips.

“That’s not��� Answer my question!”

The sound of your heartbeat must sound almost like the rapid firing of a machine gun, that’s how fast your pulse is racing. Your veins threaten to burst with the excess blood. It’s a heat like no other. You’re a witch at the stake, and Matt is holding the torch to your gasoline-doused body. 

He clears his throat. Your face falls at the words that tumble out of his parted lips, and the rapid firing turns into a deafening silence and a monotone line on a heart monitor. 

“After what I’ve learned from reading Dr. Rice’s research on the phenomena of vampirism, I can confidently say this species is no different than an animal like the great white shark or the Homo sapiens sapiens—our kind,” he recites. “Vampires are a medium of fiction and propaganda to induce fear, but they are also a widely misunderstood species that is being silenced rather than heard. Our species, the human species, likes to consider themselves superior, even when we’re in a position of being someone’s natural food source. Dr. Rice’s research is based on a comprehensible set of facts, and isn’t that what we have been relying on ever since the beginning? Our psychology makes it possible for us to change the narrative in our favor, and more often than not, we ignore the very facts deemed by humans as an intellectual importance to spread the message of an entirely different agenda. Dr. Rice’s research only proves that egotism and humans themselves will be humankind's certain downfall.”

“My investigative journalism essay,” you breathe out. 

“Published by Columbia University.” 

Your heart restarts with a rush of adrenaline. “How… how do you know all of this?”

“I may be blind,” Matt says, “but I know how to read between the lines.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

The alcohol in his drink seems to have little effect on him. “I know you have questions, and I’m willing to answer them if you promise to publish a detailed report somewhere other than Silver Lining Magazine.”

You look down at your bag, then back at him. “Ben Urich could have told your story in a way that would’ve made people listen,” you murmur. “I don’t have an impressive career like him.”

“Yeah,” he smiles, “but you could have easily written ‘Attack on NYC’. Ben was a good man, an even better journalist, but he could not have written your college essay. And he could never have been you.” 

Your name rolls off his tongue—not a pretentious nickname that makes you want to vomit but your name, and it flicks a switch within you. 

You glance around the spacious living, pulling your laptop out of its confines, and you bridge the distance between you, finally. You notice he smells of sandalwood cologne and scentless soap. “Okay,” you cave. “Where do you want me to set up?”

Session 1.

The spacebar clicks underneath the tip of your index finger. The white of your screen fills with a series of red sequences as the microphone takes in every little sound around you. Except for the two of you and the fading footsteps of one of Matthew’s assistants though, the world has fallen silent in the dead of the night. He’s sitting across from you, legs crossed, head tilted; your life is about to change.

“So, Mister Murdock,” you begin, “tell me. How long have you been dead?” 

His mouth opens in a wide grin. “242 years,” he answers. 

“And what happened the year you died?”

“Well, it was 1782. I was a good few years out of law school. I was a good lawyer, but I wasn’t successful. That year, I met a beautiful woman at a banquet. I wasn’t rich—trust me, I was beyond penniless—but she had been adopted into a wealthy family, and that made her one of the richest women in the room. Everyone wanted her, but when I sensed her across the hall, she only had eyes for me. And she was the first woman to not see me just because I was blind.” He chuckles sadly. “I thought she was the woman of my dreams, the love of my life, but a few weeks later, after letting her into my life, I realized that she didn’t look at me that night because she was interested. She was hunting me. El— Miss Elektra Natchios…”

The year 1782 becomes apparent before your inner eye. As he tells you about the night he met her, you can see the dark-haired beauty making her way across the ballroom. Red lips and a gown to die for. Her dark eyes were full of mischief, but the passion in them could have knocked a grown man off of his feet. And that is just what she did to poor Matthew. 

“I was going to marry her,” he tells you.

He went to church regularly. His knees were bloody from praying, his senses already heightened before he died. God’s soldier, that is how he puts it. He was told that the accident that left him blind happened for a reason, and he had to fight a war that went beyond the country’s fight for independence. 

That summer, Elektra drained him. He didn’t know what she was. She fooled him. He was obsessed with her. Her dark eyes he couldn’t see lured her in, and it was the venom in her blood that became his downfall after she dug her teeth into him.

Matt tried to beg his priest for forgiveness, but he didn’t even make it past the marble stairs before the doors locked. He knelt in a pool of blood—both his and that of the first human he ever sucked dry to survive as a newborn vampire—offering an eternal sacrifice to Catholicism, but God abandoned him on his doorstep. 

The church walls would have been set on fire if he had touched them from the inside. 

You look up from your notepad to find him now standing at the window. He’s not looking out, of course, but he seems so deep in thought, the memories that aren’t your own but his start to dissipate, and you’re brought back to the here and now.

Matt poured his heart out to you. You expected answers, but not this kind, and certainly not of this magnitude. You see him in an entirely different light. He’s vulnerable, fragile, and human. He has endured trauma that killed him, but he couldn’t die because the woman he loved made him immortal. It’s a bigger curse than growing up with the belief that an accident made you God’s soldier. 

He lost everything. For centuries, he has had to live with that. It’s killing you, feeling his pain, the pure agony that radiates off him. 

Your voice is quiet when you ask him, “What was it like?” You don’t have to say it out loud for him to know what you are referencing.

Matt chuckles, the sound a mere breath in the atmosphere. “Like she took my soul from my body, setting fire to my belief system and already heightened senses,” he says. 

You swallow. “That sounds… overstimulating.”

“It was. Is. My heart stopped, but when that happened, something else awoke inside me. The hunger… the hunger was the worst part. It’s insatiable. One hour passes, and you feel like you’ve been starving for weeks.”

“Like you’ve been possessed by a demon?”

“Like I am the demon.”

“But you’re not.” You should stop the recording. You’re not on track; you’re incorporating your feelings into Matt’s story, but you can’t help it. The words tumble out of your mouth without a second thought, a train that cannot be stopped. 

He raises his eyebrows, you can see it in his reflection in the windows. “Are you religious?” he asks.

You shake your head. “This isn’t about me.”

“Are you?”

The veins on the back of his hands bulge as he balls them to fists at his sides. Your throat is a desert, and your heartbeat resembles a storm that burns right through it, sending the sand flying in all directions of the horizon.

You adjust in your seat, crossing one leg over the other. He takes a whiff. He’s smelling you, and that doesn’t help the speed of your pulse to calm down. 

Tapping your pen on your notepad, you watch the red sequences fill the white space of the recording program. It moves with the sound of your voice when you finally dare to answer. “It’s a complicated question because there is a difference between believing in God and believing in the church,” you say.

“Do you believe in God then?” Matt asks. It’s as though he’s trying not to seethe at the mere mention of someone he used to worship. You make a note of that.

“There is so much bad in this world. So much cruelty. I can’t…” You take a deep breath. “I don’t know how to believe in a God that would let the things humans do to each other happen. If God existed—if he was as merciful as Christians like to claim, he wouldn’t let this happen. And I’m so sick and tired of people using their faith, and their beliefs in God and the church as justification to be disrespectful. I don’t understand it. How can anyone? Why is someone who has to drink blood to stay alive—someone who didn’t even choose this life—worth less and the devil’s breed when humans do worse things to each other? Why would God allow us to start wars that kill innocent people? Children? It’s just not fair that we treat ourselves and others as though we are already in hell, and we’re just supposed to accept that God doesn’t care—” You stop yourself, the tears burning behind your eyes. 

Matt turns back around. You can’t look away. “When I was still human,” he murmurs, “I used to believe everything that happened to me was God’s will. The accident, God’s will. Me going blind, God’s will. I went to confession, prayed until my knees were bloody and bruised. I tried convincing myself that every scream I heard from down the block, every person who lost their life or their innocence was my responsibility. God made me this way for a reason, right?” The scoff is as bitter as the liquor in his glass. “I fell apart, you know. I was a kid, so I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand what was happening to me,” he tells you. 

You hold your breath. The glasses slip from his eyes as he takes them off with shaky fingers. You are met with the most beautiful pair of hazel eyes. Emotions dance a heated tango in a tornado. If you look closer, the green specks bring life to his eyes. It’s human nature in the purest sense of the word. 

Your reflection stands in his irises, his unmoving pupils, and the tears glisten in his eyes. They’re as red as blood, watered-down crimson essence. You want to reach out and stroke his cheek, but that would be crossing a very big line that you can’t bring yourself up to touch. 

“I studied law because I thought it would change something,” he continues. You listen. It’s the only thing you can do—listen. “It wasn’t enough. Nothing I ever did felt like it was enough. I lost my father. Jack. I didn’t know my mother until it was too late. Maggie. I had no one. No money, no prospects, just me and those voices in my head, telling me I was supposed to be God’s soldier.”

“You’re not,” you cut in. 

He shakes his head. “I prayed; I crawled up the stairs of the church, and I spent hours repenting for my sins. I bled myself dry for Him. I sacrificed myself. I sacrificed my youth, my heart, and my soul, and I got nothing back. I begged for help until my voice was sore, but nothing… God, nothing was ever good enough. Until Elektra came around,” he says. 

“She changed everything for you. It makes sense. She turned you into a vampire, but she also loved you.”

“She did love me, in her own twisted way.”

“It’s what you deserved,” you say.

He isn’t yours, but the pang you feel in your chest is treacherous. Your heart cracks like a porcelain vase, jealousy creeping in like a parasite of toxic waste.

In response, Matt only chuckles bitterly. “She made me believe again, then took my soul and crushed it in her hand.” The correction makes your shoulders slump. “Instead of feeling like my world ended though, I felt at peace when she sucked the blood out of my veins and fed me her venom,” he says. “It’s sick, I know. I was aware I died that night, that she turned me into a devil who could only survive if he drank the blood of others. The Catholic in me struggled to accept it, but I had no choice but to embrace what she made me.”

“And where is she now?” you ask.

“Gone.” The light in his eyes has fully disappeared now. “I stayed with her for a while until she died in my arms. She showed me what love is, and she showed me heartbreak. She made me hungry for blood, awakening the devil I’ve been trying to tame. She taught me how to feed, how to hunt, and how to chase. But she also cursed me,” he says. “I only exist for myself now. I only bleed for myself. No God, no church, and no more religion. I’m not Jesus, I’m Judas, and I retired the cross the day I was crucified.”

You have run out of questions to ask. Too overwhelming is the sight of his walls crumbling down, this stranger you now know better than any living being seems to. You no longer see money in this, or a story to chase, you only see Matthew, and the halo above his head he still believes is a pair of horns. The world broke him. His faith in God broke him. It crushed him, and he lost everything. How broken he must be. 

“Not such a pretty story when I say it out loud, huh?” He scoffs.

The spacebar clicks again. The recording comes to a sudden halt. One hour and fifty-eight minutes, the first session of your interview with the vampire. You need to put a halt to it now because what you are about to say or do as you reach your hand out to brush his cold, dead skin is not something that should be found on a record. And you won’t ever tell.

Matt pulls away when your warm fingertips brush his. You’re standing across from him now, so close he can smell, hear, and feel all of you at once.

Your touch is the holy water that burns his skin, but the fire sustains him and shoots straight to his core the same way the blood rushes to yours.

“It’s not a pretty story, no,” you say, your voice barely above a whisper, “but it did tell me what I already knew.”

“And what’s that?” he asks.

“That you’re not evil. You’re not the Devil. You’re misunderstood. You’ve been beaten; you’ve been abandoned, hurt, and broken. That doesn’t make you a monster. Trying to make this city a better place does not make you a monster.”

“If you only knew the things I’ve done…”

“I know the rumors suggest that you were the one who fought Wilson Fisk and got this city back where it needed to be. You’ve saved countless women from the worst of fates. You are the reason the innocent people of Hell’s Kitchen feel safe. By picking up that mask, you became a hero, not a villain, and that is the story I want to tell.”

In lightspeed, he has moved you from the window to the other end of the room. Your back hits the wall. 

Matt towers over you in all of his intimidating glory. His eyes spark red, but you hold his unfocused gaze. He has such beautiful eyes. This pull between you is far from human; it’s unhealthy, and it is exactly where he wanted to get you. You’re trapped, pinned underneath him like a deer caught in headlights. 

Exhaling, your breath strokes his cheeks. He closes his eyes, savoring the taste of you. Every particle in the air, he inhales. His tongue darts out to lick his lips. Oh, what you wouldn’t do to suck that tongue into your mouth. 

Your pheromones play his head like a puppeteer pulling the strings of his marionette. He growls. “Do you have any idea how dangerous I am?” 

The moonlight catches his sparkling white teeth. This time though, you come face to face with the sharp edges of his previously concealed fangs. Your jaw drops open. He’s ethereal. 

“I could snap your neck—” Matt places his hand on your neck, “I could make that heart stop beating, take the air from your lungs. I could eat you…” He traces the vein in your throat from your jaw to your collarbone. “I could bite you and suck your blood until you’re empty. I could kill you, sweetheart. My kind is your natural enemy. You shouldn’t be here.”

You shudder. His nose brushes the sensitive skin below your ear. He’s so close you can smell him. On inhale, and his scent consumes your senses. He is all you can feel now. You reach out to hold onto his arms, his muscles tensing under your teeth. He’s big and strong, and those hands have a mind of their own as they begin to wander but never where you need him most. 

You shouldn’t be here, yet you came. He asked you to him, and you complied. Is this your fate now? Chasing after your big bad wolf like the helpless sheep that you are?

Your walls clench around an agonizing emptiness, your swollen clit brushing against your soaked underwear. Whatever he is doing to you, it’s the cruelest form of torture. 

A strangled noise breaks out of the back of his throat, rumbling in his chest. “You have no idea how badly I want to taste you,” he breathes. 

“Do it,” you beg. “Taste me.”

He utters your name again. “Stop.”

“Please.”

Your tone shatters him. When he kisses you, finally, fireworks explode in the universe around you. All the stars seem to finally align. Your heart opens, and it sucks him right into you. Your soul yearns for him. He’s so close yet so far away. 

The moon stands between you, but you cross even that ocean as you push against him, forcing your tongue into his mouth. He takes like heaven and hell; he’s the apple Eve bit into and cursed her for all eternity. But he’s also the snake, the one who compelled you to take this journey of bad decisions and jump right off the cliff’s edge. You melt into him like a broken candle. 

He pulls away. Those fangs are alluring, as sharp as a knife’s tip. You want to know what it would feel like gracing your skin, digging into your as he thrusts his cock into your tight cunt. The thought alone sends your mind into a spiral.

Your lips are swollen, but he has yet to draw blood. Matt looks as though he wouldn’t dare, his eyes darting around in a darkened conflict he feels might cost him more than your dignity. You are begging for it, as is your body, but he’s holding himself back. He’s the one who tied himself to an invisible pillar, keeping his hands locked behind his back. But that is not the Matt you want. 

You lean your head to the side, exposing the length of his neck. All control has slipped from your fingers. It’s in his hands now—you are. He cups your head gently. A mere few inches lie between your fountain and his lips.

You press a kiss to his calloused palm—a desperate and needy kiss, tracing your tongue over the lines that tell his life’s story in a way no interview can retell—and it is then he is forever done for. He’s doomed, and you are the second woman to pull him under the pits of hell. 

Saliva drips from his fangs. You hold your breath. He hisses, a weak admission of surrender; the words die miserably on your tongue when his lips close around your pulse point with all his might, and his teeth drive home. 

You moan aloud. Your fingers tangle in his hair, forcing him deeper as he sucks the dark red essence out of your vein. The sensation is more than you bargained for. It’s a drug that wrecks your system. The synapses in your brain backfire with all their might, and what follows the initial explosion of pleasure shooting white hot through your being is complete and utter silence as this God of a man feeds on you. 

The invisible string between you glows a bright crimson. It slings around you, tying you together like the roots of a tree. It’s an eternal sacrifice. You are giving your all to him, the very core of your existence that is now flowing into his mouth. You swear you can hear his thoughts mingle with yours. Yes, more, please. You taste so good. Your knees buckle, but you remain standing strong. He makes sure you don’t fall. Don’t slip away from me. I need you. 

A tear rolls down your cheek. You could sob. It feels so good—too good to be true. In that moment, you become one. There is no telling where one begins and the other ends. The coil in your stomach tightens, and the only pain you feel is the pleasure threatening to overwhelm you. He’s taking everything as you give him everything, but it is not enough. It has never been enough. 

When your body struggles to catch up with the lack of blood, he pulls away. His fangs drag out of your neck agonizingly slowly. You whimper at the sudden loss.

Matt catches you as you stumble into his arms. “You okay?” He cradles your face, brushing the hair out of your face. Your blood stains his lips. Blinking up at him, the force of your metaphysical connection slaps you awake. 

You cease to exist in all solar systems but his. 

He pokes the tip of his index finger with the sharp edge of one tooth, sliding it over the two holes that are pulsating with the work of your heartbeat.

“I shouldn’t have—” he begins. 

“No,” you say. “You did exactly what you should have.”

“I couldn’t stop.”

“But you did.” You wipe the blood from his mouth. “And I felt you. I only felt you.”

The living room passes by you. Before you know it, your back lands on something much softer than a concrete wall. He’s not a monster, that one, but he surely is an animal. 

You taste your blood on Matt’s luscious lips as he devours your tongue. It tastes of copper and a little bitter, but that is what makes him moan. That sound is the last thing you could ever grow tired of. 

His palm rests on your chest. Your heart pounds against his palm. “You’re so alive,” he says.

You cradle his face in your hands. “And you’re more human than you think.”

If he wanted to pull your heart out and hold it, you would let him in a heartbeat. 

He leans you back. He strips you bare. He kisses down your body like you are a fucking masterpiece for him to explore. That is how he sees you. 

Your head falls back. The kisses wander from your hips to the inside of your thighs. Every kiss brings his breath closer to your center. Matt pulls them apart. He opens you up to him. Your scent clouds his senses, and he groans, but he doesn’t touch. 

His fangs graze your skin. “Mine,” he growls. 

You gasp. He bites into the sensitive flesh. Hard, passionately. Your legs wrap around his head, trapping him there. He sucks, and he sucks, and he drinks, and the wetness pools out of your cunt in an obscene amount. This is foreplay to him. It drives you toward the edge leading to an abyss you are afraid you might never be able to crawl back out of. There is no bottom, it is just a pit, and he’s pushing you closer and closer, and—

Your back arches, but he pulls away before the coil can snap into a million butterflies. He pries your legs away from his head, spreading them further on the mattress, as far apart as they will go. 

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner have been served on a silver platter. He breathes in. The scent of your soaked pussy sticks to the hairs in his nose. It isn’t enough. He breathes in again, your arousal sweeter than fiction. You’re everything and more. He wants to taste that part of you more than anything, suck up the slick that is soaking the sheets—and you didn’t even think that was possible—but he waits because he needs to savor it. He doesn’t want it to be over too soon. neither for him nor for you. 

The blood is still dripping from his tongue and his fangs, and the raw inside of your thigh. He runs his finger through it. The sting runs from the wound to your folds, then back down. Still, he doesn’t touch. He plays with the blood, sucking on his fingers until they’re clean, and then he dives back in for a taste. He doesn’t bite, he kisses and sucks, but he doesn’t push it further. He doesn’t hurt you. 

You’re his saving grace; he has to worship you. Pain only has a place in pleasure. 

“Matthew,” you moan. 

He chuckles, kissing where his fangs left deep indentations. “No one will ever touch you again,” he purrs. “I’ll make sure of that.” 

You try to protest, but the words die on your tongue when he leans in, capturing your clit with his hungry mouth. The wound on your thigh closes. The blood from his lips mixes with your juices, and you cry out at the intensity of it all. 

He eats you with the ferocity of a man starved for weeks. He eats your pussy like he ate your blood, savoring every drop but still feasting for the taste to spread out in his mouth like wildfire. Sour, sweet, and copper. He sucks your sensitive clit into his mouth. His tongue drags through your folds, up and down, and then the tip slides inside, tasting your walls. He grows bolder as your moans accelerate. 

Matt cradles your thighs. He forces your hips back down to the mattress, stronger than the average human man. You have to endure his beard scratching and burning, and the pace he has set.

The orgasm creeps up on you. Before you know it, he has plunged his tongue into you, and your body convulses around him. You scream into a pillow as you come. 

You are each other’s forbidden fruit. No prayer in the world could keep you apart. 

Faintly, you can hear him say, “Good girl.” Your legs quiver. He pulls away, then comes right back like a boomerang. 

He’s warm now. He was cold before, but when he kisses you this time, he’s warm. He’s hot. You run your hands over his bare chest, the scars that lie under the dark strands of hair. You tug at it, and he moans. You can tell he is a little insecure, but by pressing your lips to one of the cuts on his shoulder, he relaxes. 

What he must have endured, what he must have lived through before he died and was resurrected in the same breath, just without a beating heart—you don’t want to think about it or you will break, but you can still feel him through the crimson tie that holds you together, and you know that he has suffered enough for more than two lifetimes. You wish you could take it all away from him. You wish you could have saved him before it was too late, loved him more than the woman who turned him, but turning back time is an impossibility. You are both acutely aware of that. 

“Hey.” Matt tilts your head toward him. “Where did you just go?” he asks. 

“Thinking about you,” you murmur. 

“Me?”

“You.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to be your salvation.”

You. His salvation. He kisses you, softly this time. He pours gratitude into his lips and bleeds them out in poetry as they slide into your mouth, and you swallow every last drop. 

If someone had told you a week ago where you would see yourself on that particular Monday, you would have laughed at them. And if someone had told you a week ago that you would be making love to the devil, you would have called them crazy. But it’s happening. 

He thrusts into you without a warning. His thick cock fills you like nothing and no one ever has before. Your cunt has been molded to fit him, you’re sure. You take him in, and you moan at the stretch. It’s a pain so delicious you could fall apart right then and there just from the feel of him inside you. 

Every thrust drags the tip of his cock along your sweet spot. Every added sensation drives you closer to your death. 

Your body tingles. He explores your face with his lips rather than his fingers, moving to your neck again. You cling to him, oh-so-desperate for him. He likes you like that, and you like him like that. 

“You’re fucking with my head,” he tells you. “Offering your pussy to a vampire. Letting me drink your blood. Begging me to fuck you. You’re in my head, baby. Can’t get you out of my system. Fuck.”

You are his downfall, his salvation, but he is all of those things to you as well—all of those things and more. If he could read your mind, you would tell him that. Words can’t do justice to how you feel. Not right now, maybe not ever. 

“Bite me again,” you beg.

His thrusts falter. He searches your body for any sign of regret. His fangs come out, and he buries them deep in your jugular vein. The floodgates open wide. Your walls clench around his cock, your clit pulsates, and the wave crashes into you. 

You come as he devours your neck and your blood. You transcend into another dimension, far away from everything and everyone but never him. Never Matthew.

The sensation of you wraps around him like a weighted blanket. His balls tighten, your blood unfolding its taste on his tongue. You are all over him, inside of him, everywhere at once. He falls head-first, dragging you down with him. 

He comes with a shout that is only muffled through his teeth buried in your flesh, his cum spurting into you and filling your cunt to the brim. Your eyes roll back. You’re flying and falling all at once. 

Oh, how good it feels to be consumed by him. To be fucked and sucked dry. You would have never expected this to come out of your week, let alone your life, but now that it has happened, you are floating on cloud nine. 

Dizziness threatens to take over, but before you can pass out, he forces himself away, allowing your heart to catch up with the lack of blood in your system. He collapses on top of you. His cock softens, but he stays inside. You need him there. You want him there. And that is the only place he wants to rest tonight. 

He heals the wounds on your neck. “You have a mark,” Matt rasps, tracing your skin with his finger. 

You choke out, “Yours.”

“Yes, you are.” He kisses you there. Once, twice, even a third time. “Mine,” he says.

You’re his. He’s yours. It doesn’t get any better than this. 

The minutes tick away on the obnoxious clock on the wall. Matt pulls out eventually, wrapping you up in a blanket. He coaxes you to drink, but you’re barely lucid. Only when he begins to stroke your hair you start coming back to yourself. You thought you might regret it, but as you look at him, his almost guilty eyes staring back at you, all you can do is reach out for him. 

“Session two tomorrow?” you ask.

He chuckles and retorts, “Have I not scared you away?” There is some truth to it though.

He’s covered in your blood. It sticks to his lips, his hands, and his chest. It’s sickeningly intimate, in a way.

You shake your head in response. “You could not possibly.”

He listens to your heartbeat. You’re as honest as they come. 

“Okay,” Matt says. “Session two tomorrow then.”

That night, you fell in love with the Devil, but he also fell in love with you, his angel in the form of a reckless journalist, and the only blood he ever wants to taste again until the end of his miserable, cursed days. 

Matt Murdock (Smut) Tag List: @shouldbestudying41 @theradioactivespidergwen @cheshirecat484 @1988-fiend @acharliecoxedfan @gpenguin666 @linamarr @mcugeekposts @itwasthereaminuteago @norestfortheshelbywicked @yarrystyleeza @littlenerdyravenclaw @etanordoesbullsh1t @thychuvaluswife @harleycao @schneeflocky @imjustcal @pipsqueakkitten @merlinbtch @sya-skies @amberritonicole @ravenclaw617 @pigeonmama @bohemianrhapsody86 @a-girl-has-n0-name @winkev1 @callsign-ember @chittaphonstar @buckyyyismahhlife

[haitaniapologist]

MORE THAN ENOUGH.

pairings — bonten!haitani rindou x female!reader.

warnings — angst/hurt to comfort, yn has a lot of d*ddy issues and insecurities, mikey is a little b*tch, rin is insecure too, a pregnancy.

word count — 1.5k

notes — BABY!!! thank you so much for your kind words <3 and i'm so sorry for the delay, it's been almost two months since i posted all for us but i hoped youve liked it as much as i did!! i have a lot of plans for the series, ngl. and thank you for your request! i hope you'll like it <3

tagging — @severellamahottub @tooweirdforyou @1900-aria @etheralyonn @sincerelyraylene @chronic-claire-universe @aqualesha @winterv-black @softbajis @dai-tsukki-desu

it wasn't easy to love a gang member. 

rindou warned you when you accepted to be his girlfriend. you two would go through many hardships together, things that would make you doubt his love for you, things that would make you wonder why you weren't with someone who had a normal life, a normal job. but you didn't care — at nineteen, you don't think much about your future. at the time, you knew you loved him, and that was what mattered. 

but at twenty-eight, a diamond ring shining on your finger and a small bump on your belly, you still didn't regret your decision. how could you? rindou was your husband and your best friend, you couldn't live without him. without the blush that dusted his cheeks whenever you said you loved him, the soft smile he would give you whenever you two were shopping when you tried on a piece of clothing that you liked, the heated kisses he pressed against your lips when he arrived home too stressed from work. how could you regret it? rindou never once did something that would make you doubt his love for him, until now. 

“w-what… what are you saying?” you asked, thinking you didn't hear him right. maybe he was saying you two needed to reinforce the security around the penthouse, as in six months you two would have a small baby living with you. yes, that was it. it needed to be it. 

rindou exhaled, and he seemed annoyed. “you heard me, y/n.” no baby, no pretty girl — like he would call you, even if he was annoyed. “we should get a divorce.” 

so you did hear him right. 

and that didn't make sense in your head. you two were fine this morning, before he left for work, and now he suddenly thought you two should end your relationship? instantly, a hand was in your belly, and you thought about your unborn child — it had been just two days since you discovered your pregnancy, and rindou seemed so happy about it. talking with your belly, laughing with his brother on the phone about how the baby would be spoiled by both father and uncle, even talking about room decorations. what changed his mind? 

even though you knew something happened, his words still hurt. rindou knew about your parents — how your mother stayed in a loveless marriage for the sake of you and your sister, so you two wouldn't grow up with divorced parents. but she made everything worse by doing that, and you had a hard time trusting rindou because of the trauma of your parents’ relationship. you always made sure to tell rindou that he should tell you everything, so no secrets would be between you two. 

was he… was he cheating on you? that's why he didn't want to tell you what was happening? 

the thought made you let a sob you were holding back, and the tears glossing your vision disabled you to see the painful expression on his face.

but it was for the best, rindou kept telling himself that. you would hate him, and he probably wouldn't even be a part of his child’s life, but it would be for the best. you would be safe, and that was what mattered. but watching as you broke down in front of him — rindou knowing damn well he broke his most important promise — made him rethink about his decision. he wanted nothing more than to kneel down in front of you and beg your forgiveness, because he was the biggest fool in the whole world. 

“i'm sorry, y/n.” the words coming out of his mouth were physically hurting him. “i'll pack my things and go.” rindou would leave the house to you and the child. at least he would know where you two were living, and it would be easier to keep an eye on the two of you if he needed. 

however, you held his wrist before he could walk away. “am i… am i not enough?” just like you were for your dad? who always made sure you knew how inferior you were compared with your sister? you and rindou bonded because of your insecurities regarding your older siblings — but him and ran had such a close bond, something you and your sister did not, and you used to envy him so much. “is the baby not enough?” you wanted your child to meet their father, to have a close bond with him, something you never had. but it seemed that the circle would repeat itself again, and your child would grow asking why their dad hated them so much. 

the look of pure distress on your face, yet still filled with everlasting love for him, was what made rindou break all his resolutions and pass his arms around your waist and hold you, whispering how sorry he was and how much he loved you. 

he knew what you were thinking. and he hated himself for bringing your biggest trauma to the surface again — he hated himself for letting the words of someone who was jealous of his little family take the best of him. he kissed your hair, hand on the back your neck, keeping your face resting on his shoulder, tears of his own streaming down on his cheeks. how the prospect of not being in his child's life made sense to him? to leave you, to not see you ever again? 

your sobs became whimpers, and he wasn't sure if you would want to stay with him now. and that feeling scared him. 

“what happened, baby?” you asked, cupping his face, your thumb caressing his cheekbone. you were sure now that such thoughts didn't belong to rindou, and someone else put them inside his head. 

“i don't deserve you.” the words left his mouth so easily, like he truly believed in them. 

“who said that to you, rindou?” you wiped some tears that were falling from his violet eyes, and you cursed whoever put such feelings inside his heart. how he didn't deserve you? he was a loving husband, he always made sure you were safe and if your needs were being attended to. who said that wasn't inside your home to see him making breakfast for you on sundays, or to see how excitedly he talked with his unborn child. “please, tell me, rin.”

“... mikey.” he whispered his boss name, and before he could avert his eyes from yours, you held his chin, demanding him to continue. “i told the boys the news. even sanzu was happy for me, but he said i was only dragging you down.” you weren’t close with sano manjiro and you wondered why he would say such things to your husband. “he said that having a family would only make me weaker, and that someday i would arrive home to see you and our child brutally murdered because of my job.” you let go of his chin as soon as he was finished, this time you bringing his face to rest on your shoulders while he sobbed. 

was mikey jealous?

not of you, of course. but of the little family you and rindou were building? you knew that what he said could be true, but you knew rindou would never let that happen — as he always protected you when things on his job started to become too dangerous. 

you tried to comfort rindou as much as you could, but you knew he always thought you needed someone better than him. someone who didn’t work in his field, or someone stronger than him, that could protect you from everyone and everything. “i’m sorry, y/n, so sorry.” he whispered against the skin of your neck, and you only caressed his hair in return. “you’re more than enough for me, the baby is more than enough. you two are my whole world, i’m sorry if you thought otherwise.” his grip on your waist tightened, and a soft smile made its way to your lips. 

“you scared me, rin.” 

“i know, pretty girl.” his voice was muffled by the kisses he was pampering your neck with. “i will never do that again.” rindou didn’t want you to be afraid that every time he came home from work he would try to end your relationship, but he knew that only words couldn’t mend what he broke. giving your neck one last kiss, he cupped your cheeks on his hands, your foreheads touching. 

“if i ever do that again, you and the baby are allowed to beat the shit out of me until i’m back to my senses, do you get it?” you nodded, giggling at the prospect. 

rindou’s hand went from your cheek to your belly, caressing it. “i love you two so much, you don’t have any idea.” he was a fool wasn’t he? but before you could answer, his grumbling stomach ended the tender moment between you three, and you laughed, watching as his cheeks gained a reddish color. 

“i’m seeing now where our child inherited their endless hunger.” you joked, softly pinching his cheek. 

“me and the baby want pizza.”

[the-slasher-files]

hewwo :3 can I have michael (og), the ghostface duo, and bo with a shy chubby s/o pls? if u wanna write for it ofc

this is adorable... now I am the complete opposite of shy so if I missed the mark I’m sorry. Also added a few more slashers :) hope you enjoy🔪💕

MASTERLIST 

SLASHERS WITH A SHY, CHUBBY S/O

INCLUDES, JASON, MICHAEL, BO, VINCENT, BILLY & STU

JASON VOORHEES

When I say he adores you.. he FUCKING ADORES YOU

Honestly this is probably Jason’s perfect s/o ngl

You are so soft in your nature and your body so he just wants to hold you constantly, you have now become his backpack

Jason literally doesn’t care what you look like so your curves and little belly isn’t something he thinks about being insecurities

If you are insecure about parts of your body he will kiss and hold that part all the time, making sure you know he loves you and your body

Doesn’t matter what your weight is the man will pick you up with ease everyday

Jason loves LOVES your hips and that’s where his hands are always going to be

Your shy nature he finds very cute, it reminds him of himself especially when he was young and he wants to protect you at all costs

You never need to talk if you don’t want to, it’s all in the body language, Jason is mute so it doesn’t matter to him

Once when people rolled into camp you had been on a walk and ran into them. They tried to ask you questions about why you were there but you got too shy and just kind of ran away, you had been so used to not ever seeing people out here that it was extremely difficult to talk to anyone else but Jason. As you ran away you heard the teenage boys laugh and call you names

ooooh boy Jason heard that from the bushes and now you’ve made his s/o cry... Let’s just say he didn’t wait until it was dark and the scene was one of most gruesome he had ever produced

MICHAEL MYERS

Much like Jason, Mikey doesn’t care about what you look like or what your nature is, he is just obsessed

This is a giant man with inhuman strength so lifting you is literally like picking up a toy

Your shy nature soothes him from his rage and you might even be able to tame the man a little, not a lot but a little

He is quiet so your quietness will never bug him, honestly Michael will probably prefer someone quiet over someone louder... as long as you scream in terror every once and while when he is chasing you or having sex then that’s fine by him

When you are out and about with Michael stalking you, if he hears anyone talking about your curves or shy character, welp they’re gonna die.. that’s it

Even if you’re at work and your boss gets mad when you don’t speak up or lead on a project, they're dead

You are perfect to him and anyone that doesn’t see that is in for a life ending experience

Michael is a leg man all the way and loves your butt and thighs specifically. Sorry but he will mark the soft skin of our inner thigh either by his mouth, hands or with his knife, you are his and that much is clear

*slaps your thighs* *thighs giggle* *Michael smirks* he likes the giggle

When you’re falling asleep he loves to trace your stretch marks with his fingers

BO SINCLAIR  

Now now now, we all know Bo is the most cocky and superficial man ever, so when you walk into Ambrose he is floored at your different demeanour and your curvy body

Fuck he loves it... you’re so different from all the girls before

Honestly you relax him and when Bo rages things can get very ugly but once he sees you, your gentle smile and worry in your soft eyes, he melts

If you thought he was handsy with other women, boy you better sit down for this one... CONSTANTLY wandering hands from your thighs to hips to boobs to arms, man is everywhere

Bo just wants to always explore your body like a wonder because he has only had stick-thin women before. Your body is his playground

Finding your shy nature adorable he is also going to tease you about it, since he is your exact opposite

If it really bothers you, you are going to have to tell him and probably break down crying before he stops mentioning your shyness... Bo is just a chronic asshole

Trophy wall photos and belts are gone immediately if he notices you’re insecure about the women he has kept before

When people come into Ambrose and the one time you try to help lure people in, you got too nervous to speak and almost made a fool of yourself until Bo jumped in, talking about various things in the town and snaking his arm around your waist allowing you to snuggle into his clothes, hiding from the “tourists”  

Bo more often than not will have you just stay in the house while he lures people in

VINCENT SINCLAIR

When you stroll into Ambrose man goes wild when he first sees you *whispers to Bo* they’re mine

Like a lot of the other slashers, Vincent doesn’t care what you look like he just adores you in every way

We all know from the movie this boy has power, so don’t ever worry about him not being able to lift you, he just does it with ease, and all the time

Vincent has seen and “worked�� with many different body shapes but there is just something about yours he cannot stop thinking about

He will make sculptures, candles and paintings of your body shape, every curve and stretch mark is art to him

Like Jason, if you’re insecure about a certain thing in your body the man will make it his favourite, could be by always holding it or drawing it. You are his most brilliant piece of art and Vincent is going to show you

Since the guy can’t or doesn’t talk you guys are going to have your own little language, from body language to signing

He will pick up on your subtleties. If you’re nervous and rubbing your palms man is going to notice. If you are feeling very shy and hanging your head Vincent is going to pick you up and bring you downstairs to the place where it is just the two of you

Your shy nature resembles his in a lot of ways, so you two just get each other

Bo might push you to be out and about when he is luring people in to make it seem more realistic, but if you don’t want to or are just to shy, Vinny is going to fight Bo on that, and fight him hard... never mess with his s/o

BILLY AND STU

They literally cannot get enough of you... talk about handsy my lord

They’re both so outgoing that sometimes it is hard for them to understand you, Billy is defiantly better at getting you but you might have to speak up to get them to notice you

With that being said, they will bring out your wild/louder side

Honestly their favourite thing is at the end of the night, watching a horror movie with you and cuddling.. you’re just so soft

Stu loves your thighs with a passion, he always has to have a hand on them, and be grabbing them and pulling them apart

Billy adores your ass and boobs, be careful of him smacking your ass all the time lol  

Good thing they’re both so outgoing because you don’t even need to speak they will happily do it for you

Since these two are very social creatures you will bring them down a notch with that, they will be just happy to chill at home with you instead of partying

If they do manage to get you out with friends, Billy will be the one to notice if you’re getting shy or nervous and he will just wrap an arm around your waist, hold you and let his scent calm you down.. sorry but Stu is sort of oblivious  

[lilyclawthorne]

Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔 

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

[pacificwanderer]

Got any advice for a girl who has 3 younger fanbro brothers who proclaim they will not be watching TROS in theaters? When I told my brothers the title, two of them groaned and said, yuck, seriously? And, my 21 year old brother, who really doesn't care about romance in action movies, always rolls his eyes when I bring up Reylo, and said the trailer reinforced his dislike for the ST actors. I know I shouldn't care what they think, but I do. I keep thinking I have to prove myself as a SW fan.

Hey Nonnie!

This is a really great questions :) I’ve been a fan since I was very young and it was something that I largely enjoyed on my own (family wasn’t much into it, though my aunt did make us watch Space Balls one time, so LOL I’ve got that, I guess?), so my experience will be a little different, but I’ll do my best. NGL, my first impulse was to type out “YOU DON’T OWE SHIT TO NOBODY NOHOW” but that’s not really helpful and, to be honest, it’s really a concept that I learned with age and experience because, for much of my life, I’ve also felt like I had to prove myself or justify my interests to others, esp when someone was choosing to criticize them. Also, this is a pretty common and normal feeling inside of fandom and in life, so you’re definitely not alone :)

It almost felt like it was a judgment on me. Somehow, I was doing something wrong by liking whatever thing I felt I needed to justify, so I needed to explain myself so that they could understand why I liked the thing because I didn’t like to feel like I was doing something wrong by liking it. I didn’t want them to reject me or think less of me because of my interests. But, as I’ve dealt with more of this kind of thing over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay for them to not give a shit about the things that I like and that I don’t owe them my time or a justification. I’m not wrong for liking SW just like they’re not really wrong for disliking it. It’s just the way it is in life. And, honestly, once the movie comes around, they might change their tune anyways because I have a feeling it’s going to be epic.

If I like something, it’s right for me because it’s right for me. Doesn’t mean that will be the case for anyone else, but it also doesn’t mean that I have to convert them or bring them over to my POV.��The best thing for me was to find people who shared my interests and talk with them about how much I love the thing. For me, that was getting started in online fandom. I was also really lucky to find a group of friends outside of the fandom who are really supportive and patiently listen to my Reylo and Star Wars rants. I’ve also gotten more confident with my likes and interests over time, which really is just me becoming more confident as a person. The older I get, the less I give a shit about what other people say about things that ultimately don’t matter (like fandom). It’s supposed to be fun and I do my best to seek out the people and opportunities that are enjoyable to me :) Again, that’s after a lot of years of feeling lesser than, or like I needed to hide my hobbies, but now I just dgaf lol.

Another thing to remember is that peer pressure and influence from others is a real thing and some people feel the need to fall in line, or hate on things that “everyone” else hates on just because they don’t want to feel like they’re not part of the group (and, boy, is that group loud on the internet, even if they are small). So, it could be that they’re feeling outward pressure to hide their own interests and preferences (not saying that’s definitely the case, but it can be part of the reason). It happened with the PT too, where you get people who aren’t even into SW weighing in on how “terrible” the movies are. Because SW is so ubiquitous, everyone has an opinion on it, so there’s always going to be plenty of conflict in the fandom because not only do you have generations of people growing up and loving different facets of this series, you have people who think that a viable personality trait is hating on Star Wars (it’s not, they’re boring, and I’ve learned to just ignore them and enjoy with part of the fandom that is good for me). It takes a lot of guts to be open with your likes and hobbies and not many people feel comfortable with making themselves vulnerable like that. I know it was a challenge for me growing up because it stings to hear shit like “that fucking sucks,” or “what’s wrong with you [for liking that]” or “Isn’t that a boy thing?” But, again, it’s a reflection on them, not me. Mostly, I think people are jealous that they can’t openly like the things they like because they’re afraid of criticism. Which sucks. 

I wish we were more encouraging about interests instead of always making fun of people for being “too excited,” or “childish.” This would would be a more magical place if people could take themselves outside of their own experiences, fears, and insecurities, and realize that we’re all just stumbling along together, trying to get by, on this crazy rock that’s hurtling through space. People also get a lot more traction by talking about what they hate because it gets a rise out of others. Look at youtube or twitter. That shit is toxic as fuck (and this place can be too) with people continually focusing on shit that they say they “hate” but are actually obsessed with (and probably secretly enjoy, which I’m sure pisses them off, hence the overcompensating with hate to PROVE to themselves that they really do hate it--Gee, reminds me of a certain character, to be honest lol). 

Also, it’s okay if people don’t like Star Wars or don’t like the new movies or Reylo. It’s fine. As long as they’re not being mean about it. There are plenty of things that I just can’t stand, but I stay out of it lol. And, well, some people are just gonna be jerks about it and that’s a reflection of them and their current state of being. If they enjoy making other people feel shitty about the things that they like, then I imagine their own state of being isn’t that great. Now, with brothers, I’m sure the dynamic is different (I don’t have any brothers, but I grew up around farm boys, so I got some of the dynamic, but living with people makes things a bit more challenging). So it might just be a family thing where you’re getting pushback because you’re a family member. Family sure is like that sometimes. 

I’m going to stop myself from going on a rant talking about how Star Wars, while it has action elements, isn’t an action movie and people who have that expectation for the series are always going to be disappointed (it’s a space opera), but it’s also good to remember that some people just don’t understand romance, and maybe they don’t like it. And that’s okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and interests and, as long as they’re not starting fights over it, I’d just move on. 

You have every right to enjoy Star Wars just however you see fit. You don’t owe it to anyone else to justify or explain your preferences. Whether you’re deep into it, or just like the aesthetic, or want romance or Reylo, or like the ships, whatever, it’s all valid. 

Is there something about SW that you all like that you can share if you’re looking for a way to bridge the gap? I’d avoid topics that you’re never going to agree on, but maybe if you’re looking to have conversations with your bros about SW, talk to them about the things you enjoy that you have in common. Or, if they’re picking at the ST, just ignore the bait. IT’S HARD and I hATE IT because I want to rub people’s faces in how wrong they are, but I also have to take a step back and remind myself that it’s fake and in space lol.

In summary, you never, ever, ever, ever, ever have to justify yourself as a SW fan or with anything else out there. Ever. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that, but with time and practice, it gets easier, I promise. Take it from a chronic over-explainer lol. You are good and valid and wonderful just the way you are and in whatever way you enjoy this series. No matter what anyone else says or implies. Star Wars is for everyone, and anyone that implies otherwise never understood the series to begin with.

AND if you read all this and think it’s shit and you have a better way to deal with it HAHA I’m fine with that. These are my personal experiences and thoughts on the matter, and what’s right for me isn’t going to be right for everyone, nor do we all follow the same path in life :) Hope this helps, at least so you know that you’re not alone and I’m cheering for you! 

Take care, Nonnie! And MTFBWY!

[ts-autumns-world]

Episode 4: “Tua supremacy babey” - Lily O

I GET TO REUNITE WITH JINX YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

me waking up to see that im in the new tribe: https://media.tenor.com/images/93212119a4887f9fa0ad945c7ae2a5d0/tenor.gif

tbh i expected the swap since like we have 14 rn so its a reasonable number to do a swap before the merge.. but like this swap sucks not only me being the only one from og eener but its also me having to be with these 4 whites ppl. you know i don't trust white ppl except mikki SDFSDFSDFSDF so this absolutely SUCKS. and geekoffilm is on another tribe too.

URGH i hope i can team up with jinx and jude. and joey and i used to play together in CoW so hopefully, i am able to make him want to work with me again.. but monty... monty is very skeptical cause like they could just vote me off now. BUT THEN, i know that either jinx or raffy has the idol for sure, so maybe i need to ask jinx for that. or i just ask the person who i'll be up against with in the tic tac toe to throw a challenge if they are the og eener too. 

much to think about bestie booth. i wanna trust these ppl so bad but i have trust issues

https://youtu.be/JrXnnD5KU0I

---

naur this is the plan if we go to council

imma be like joey

you are the only cis white man on the team

you have to go. 

you wanna be an ally?

THIS IS HOW!!!

so im pushing for u FEWEJFEEFJEFEIFEFIJW 

heS ALWAYS SAYING HE WANTS TO BE A BETTER ALLY

ALWAYS CALLING ME LIKE JINX IM SO SORRY

ILL BE LIKE FOR WHAT?? 

HE'S LIKE FOR BEING A WHITE CIS STRAIGHT MAN. 

IF UR REALLY SORRY ULL LEAVE!

I have to start this out by saying Giraffez, I’m so sorry! I tried my best but too many people wanted to keep us comp strong and wanted Lily O to stay. I really wish we would have had the chance to play longer together but sometimes it’s just not in the cards.

As far as swap goes, I’m really happy about my team. We have a majority from my original group which is pretty wild. I wish Chips was here and I really hope he makes it work somehow but I’m ngl I’m a little worried about him.

I was so so thrilled to see Jinx on Tua with me. I also have started talking with Captain and Jude. They both seem super nice so as always I’m hoping to avoid tribal once again.

I’d like to the think that original Llih (was that how you spelled it?) will stay together but Giraffez told me that Lily O told her that she was voting for me. Now obviously we all voted Giraffez but I think Lily O knows I was plotting. So. I hope we can stick together. But. Yeah. Your girl is worried. And excited. She is excited cause this group seems cool. But nervous because yeah I’m not ready for another vote out. Mkay. Bye.

This swap went pretty well for me all things considered. I still have a bunch of people from my OG Tribe, and the new people seem active and really nice! So, I like my tribe. Blake offered to me today to work together closely in the game which I am down for. The semi-inactive people need to stick together and all that lmao. Other than that, I am straight Vibing

Swap time! honestly its time to kick it into high gear and win this immunity challenge! make some real allies!

HELLO AUTUMNS WORLD!!!!!! So I have arrived in a swapped team with 3 of my old members! SOOO happy Mikki is here firstly since we can discuss basically anything. Blake and Raffy im also cool with but not like as close with them. Maybe a bit more with Blake. Of the new people my fav is Chris !! Already liking our chats and hope it can turn more strategic later maybe!! Ricky is also cool and funny and chips I was allies with him in Kili which is cool but probably the weakest connection of the new people so far!! It looks like we are gonna lose and if so its kinda hard like on one hand we have easy majority to vote off idk probably chips or maybe ricky or we could go against tribal linesI think Blake truly does wanna work with me tho but is just busy. Like going against tribal lines is kinda fun but maybe dumb. And chips being the 1 in a 4-2-1 swap sucks too!! Idk kind of evaluating the vibe with Mikki and will see what we think later if we lose… we would probs be safe regardless being protected by tribal lines on one side and having developed sorta good vibes with Chris and Ricky from the other side so probs wouldn’t be targeted from that angle either?? Hopefully… I did have kind of a delayed start with the new people cuz of irl stuff but yah we will see!

My opinion on swap was initially sad because I was missing out on Jinx/Jude/Joey/Captain BUT then I realize I like this tribe?? Im with Ricky still, Mikki probably is sitting at the cookout as we spesk, Chips is lowkey goody but I got my eye on him, Benj and I bond over Agatha Christie <3, Blake I knew from TDI so we have been goofin like a Goofy movie, Raffy I actually enjoy that we chat of the most mundane things, and that's everybody! I think I have a chance to survive on this tribe

---

My thoughts are that I've got Ricky and Mikki at minimum. I know Mikki/Raffy got beef but I doubt they go for each other. Chips is like a level-headed Joey but I reckon one of him/Blake/Benj will be targeted if I had to guess. Nevertheless me and Captain talked during our matchup and exchanged info. My hope is me or Ricky are in Outhouse but I also hope not so we have higher odds to keep the goodies all goodie and safe

https://voca.ro/18WSqZznajDx

---

I LOVE JUDE

so idk where my last confessional left off but i think it was before tribal. so after tribal, jinx’s manifestations came true, we swapped, i ended up on a tribe with no one i knew except chris, so that was kind of…nnng. but hey, gotta roll with the punches. me and jinx were paired up for the challenge which game me a bit of time to talk with them, and they gave me some insight on ppl i didn’t really know on my tribe, and also they gave me a tarot reading, and it basically said that while i’m probably gonna have to deal with some bullshit, i just have to use everything i’ve learned to get over any obstacles, and stay calm and collected through it all. i’m really really praying for this one, since we just lost immunity, and now chris is going to the outhouse, i’m afraid that i’m truly all alone now. and if there’s one thing that scares me it’s being alone. i really like mikki tho, and i heard benj was good ppl. maybe if i let them know that raffy might have the half idol then maybe they’d be more inclined to work with me, but i also really enjoy raffy’s presence, so i don’t really want him to be a target. blake and i have had a good amount of dialogue so i’m hoping that he’d be willing to work with me, to be honest. ughhhhh why why why tribal. WHY TRIBAL. in all my years of playing tumble survivor i’ve never been sent to like…and exile or redemption island ONCE. not once….ever…. please god let me get to the outhouse just one time.

First of all, lemme just say I'm so amused by how quickly my chances of no-votes went RIGHT out the door. But also thank god that it went off without a hitch! And right before a swap, no less New tribe is definitely iconic. LOVE Jinx, Captain and Jude are cool too, and then my Llih buddies are also v nice to have (shoutouts monty and joey)

Tua supremacy babey

https://youtu.be/oP7DWOnmt40

https://youtu.be/Z3_pyWTdRh8

https://youtu.be/UFshPYJ98z0

hello confessional booth... i'm here to give you um. something i hope!!!! 

well since the swap, i feel like i've managed to fit in better than i expected cause ive been feeling under the weather and i don't rlly have energy to talk to anyone (which is so great that our tribe won this IC) but i rlly need to work on that more for sure..

joey wants to work with me.. like a lot. we worked together for a bit in CoW before he was voted out and he was a great ally to me back then so i think i can trust joey a little bit? and he rlly wants the pocs to go far so i think this is a good sign.

with jinx, we've been wanting to talk about the outhouse thing but jinx wants to call and i've been feeling sick so we haven't called but hopefully we can do that soon. i trust jinx a lot and i know they're gonna take care of me.

jude.. you know i like her since i saw her intro vid so yup gonna need to talk to her more!!!

lily c.. my fellow teacher pls SFSFSDFSD i enjoy our chat a lot like idt its much but every time we talk, with her, it just feels great and nice and like we just get to know each other so far so i hope we can talk game a bit more but we'll see

lily o.. we haven't talked since the day the swap happened. idk why. maybe she's busy or maybe i should dm her first so i think i'm gonna do that tmr my time if i have the energy.

and monty... PLEASE idk if i can trust monty or not. like he's a good friend of mine but my experience in orgs with them is that they tried to break the swp apart (which was smart but then mikki and i are both playing so gotta keep an eyes on them)

i'm just trying to feel good and hopefully recover soon cause i hate being sick. idk i'm scared of covid!!!!! but i haven't gone outside for a week or two methinks so we're gonna pray and see.

---

missing mikki and hope she will be fine

Blake suggested starting an OG Eneer alliance to Mikki and Benj. They took them up on the offer so I guess I am in my first alliance of the game based on arbitrary reasons. In any case, they seem to want to vote out Chips which is a RIP. But whatever keeps me safe for one more round.

I don’t have an obsession with the Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood sketch from SNL... No I clearly don’t... https://youtu.be/whfQf3Pd5bU

It’s my chronic overthinking in this swap that is going to do me in, I feel. It’s the pressure of having to actually think differently, and coming off of EVERYTHING I’ve seen in this community over the past 6 months, oh good Lord have mercy, I feel as though its so hard for me to want to not sacrifice my game, but at the same time... I feel all the pressure in the world to flip. I did have a lucid dream that if I got to a point where I consistently voted only white people at every Council, it would make my game look REALLY good by comparison, since I literally did everything I could, and no, I don’t want to hear anyone post season say this was rigged for Jinx, it’s not, we’re only going to go against each other down the road because of how this season has been set up, and it breaks my heart

https://photos.app.goo.gl/eSvSGkc4zmBfnYVP7

So here's some tea I suppose. I was a pretty big fan of the tribe swap because people talked more in general. This was particularly interesting considering their different timezones but continued ability to keep up conversation. It was pretty apparent that I was at a numbers deficit from my original tribe but my hope was that people didn't want to play like "that" and then if they did that my former tribe would throw it to keep the numbers. Apparently that is not true as Lily C went as hard as possible to win a challenge she could have convincingly thrown as an "accident" multiple times. At any rate, based on the total lack of communication with me concerning who I am voting it is evident that either the plan is to vote someone without telling me or that it is to vote me. This means that regardless of the situation I am in a terrible position and will be leaving sooner rather than later. I don't know that I've been swap screwed in the past (perhaps, I've been playing for too long) but it really stinks. 

For the TL;DR watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzftXB28gBE

 http://www.purplerockpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/survivor-pearlislands-lillian-morris-no-sir.gif

As I'm writing this, I have a big gulp from... you guessed it... 7/11. I need to flip on one of the three of Monty, Lily O, and Lily C. My best option is going to vote for Lily O, I need Monty and Lily C to know I'm only doing this because yanno, things look awfully awful, and the pressure of making the right move and yet making sure I don't lose relationships is starting to get to me.

I also need them as shields because theyre the only winners in this game, and I need them here as shields for down the road heading into a merge.

I can't even believe I found TWOA IDOLS! I had to think a lot about who to give it too but I decided to do what felt like the smartest thing to do. Jinx and Captain already trust me and I enjoy Ricky but he gives semi chaotic energy. With that in mind, I had to give it to Jude as a sign of faith. Not only am I wanting her to do well, but I want to prove to her I legit want to work with her come merge 😊

https://youtu.be/vOn8Zsi0njA

https://youtu.be/UWTB-LYjbu0

for Chips: https://youtu.be/lSeDZdSEl4o

[i-amusemyself]

All the asks.

Aaaaah tysm!!!!!

Sunrise or sunset?

Sunset. I prefer the colours and also not being awake so early!

Are you mentally ill?

Yeah I have depression but whatevs

Are you physically ill?

Chronically my dude. I have IBS and EDS type 3

What is the most expensive thing you have bought?

A plane ticket for nearly £1000 lmao! It took me working 3 jobs for over a year but it was worth it.

Do you have a job?

Not atm but I’ll get one in a few months. 

Are you in school?

Noooooo!! I finally finished sixth form in June. I’m finally free!! (I’m so happy I won’t have to see half those people again ngl)

Are you a dropout?

Nah

Are you in college?

Assuming this means uni, then no, but I will be in october.

Introvert or extrovert?

I have?? No idea?? I’m shy af and really quiet but I do like meeting new people.

What do you think when you look at your body?

I don’t really think much at all anymore, which is an improvement tbh. I just sort of see it but don’t process it.

What have others said when they look at your body?

I’ve had a lot of not-so-supportive comments about my body from a lot of people. Most people tell me I’m too thin, that I’m unattractive, that I should get surgery for one reason or another. Idk. I don’t expect much more tbh.

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?

Hoo boi I have a whole playlist of songs that mean something to me.

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive?

It was 2, maybe 3 weeks ago now XD I was roadtripping around America with my best friend @only-slightly-dangerous and it was the happiest I’ve ever been. We were care free and the world was beautiful and there were so many new things to see and do. I wish I was back there.

Are you confident wearing a bikini?

Not at all, I’ll avoid it at all costs.

Can you look people in the eyes while talking?

See, I don’t have a conscious issue with it. I don’t mind eye contact that much. But I usually subconsciously end up looking away, especially if I’m thinking deeply about something/trying to remember something.

Has anything terrible happened to you?

Depends on your definition of terrible. But yeah, a couple of things have really fucked me up.

Has anything wonderful happened to you?

I met the best person in my life at the worst time in my life. The chances of it happening were ridiculously slim; I still can’t get my head around it.

Favorite part of your personality?

I don’t know. My patience or my sense of humor?

Least favorite part of your personality?

How easily I become jealous of others. Or maybe my need to be in control. I’m working on both of them though.

Favorite part of your body?

....my legs? I’m told theyre p good?

Least favorite part of your body?

Maybe my face? Maybe my chest. Idk, I don’t critique it often.

Favorite quote?

“The sun will rise and we will try again”. There are others I like, but that’s the first that comes to mind.

Do you have friendships with all genders?

I have a crippling fear of men so most my close friends are with girls. Though again, I’m working on it.

Do you have a good relationship with your father?

I didn’t used to so much, but I think it’s improved a lot over the past few years.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

It’s complicated. I don’t really wanna go into it rn

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?

I don’t have any sibs, kinda wish I did though

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?

Yuuup

Have you ever had a near death experience?

Nope

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?

Yeah. I used to talk to a girl on here and for months we held a pact of staying alive for each other. But she gave up (I kind of understood though). That was rough.

Have you ever tried to take your own life?

...whatever I answer this with feels like a lie

Biggest lie you have told?

I canny remember lmao

Do you follow any conspiracies?

I haven’t read much into many conspiracies, ngl. But there was something strange about how those twin towers fell down...

Do you believe in a New World Order?

Never heard of it. Gonna google it though.

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?

Not at all. The tories can kiss my butt. They’re barely human.

Is there currently any strife in your country?

Meh, nothing too bad.

Have you ever been displaced within your country?

Nope, thankfully.

Are your friendships healthy?

The ones I have left are lmao! I’ve been doing a lot of cutting off in the past year, but it seems to have worked out pretty well.

Are you currently fighting with a friend?

No

Are you jealous of a friend? Why?

No. Their achievements don’t diminish my own. I want them all to succeed.

Do you believe in the Illuminati?

As much as I’m here for the meme, I don’t actually know much about it.

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?

See previous.

How can people tell you are nervous?

Um, I don’t know. I try not to let on. Depending on the situation I might ask a lot of questions about it or just be very talkative in general. Also not being able to sit still.

How can people tell you are sad?

I don’t tend to talk as much or with as much enthusiasm. I also tend to “zone out” a lot if I’m feeling really down. Sometimes I’ll just give up on conversations all together and refuse to make any more effort than the other person is doing.

Do you ever express your true feelings?

I...think so. Yeah. I sometimes dilute them when I express them, but I rarely keep a feeling contained completely. That destroys me.

Regrets in your life?

Not standing up for myself more.

Achievements in your life?

I won a couple of things when I was younger (basketball tournaments, painting competitions) also I do well in school ig?

What did people say about you in school?

I mean, I’m sure I never heard all of it. The general consensus seemed to be everyone hated me for being “stuck up” and for doing okay at tests. Idk. 

What did you say about people in school?

Depended on the person lmao! I wasn’t a big fan of many people in my year, but I didn’t really hate any of them as much as they thought.

Is there something you have never told anyone?

yh

Have you committed an illegal act?

I mean, piracy, that’s it.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?

I’d buy a house somewhere nice, a plane ticket and a holiday. Then I’d give a decent amount to everyone I know. The rest I’d give to charity.

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?

I cant even remember what my aspirations were yesterday?? I’ve pretty much always wanted to do something to do with science, though it’s varied which parts of it.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?

It aint happened.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?

Low to average I’d say? My mums a single parent but we do okay.

Are you from a broken marriage?

My parents are divorced yah

Have you been raised by a solo parent?

Sort of? Officially speaking yeah.

Do you know both your parents?

Yup

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?

Brown eyes, blonde hair and white skin.

Have you abused drugs or alcohol?

No. I’ve drunk when I probably should have just talked about my feelings though.

What languages can you speak?

I speak english and a reasonable level of spanish. I’m also learning danish atm.

Do you conform to your societies standards?

Idk, I guess not.

Do you cry often?

Lmao, a lot more often than most people yeah. I’ve a very emotional person.

Do you tell people what you think of them?

Only the good parts.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments?

Not at all, it always feels like a lie.

Are you comfortable giving compliments?

Oh yeah! If I’m thinking something good about someone I’ll let them know!

Is any mental illness hindering your life?

Depression. It’s a bugger.

Is any physical illness hindering your life?

To a normal person it might seem it, but I’ve just kind of adapted to my illnesses so I can live life as normally as possible now.

Do you keep up with current events?

I try to I suppose. I haven’t so much recently though ngl.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?

This feels like a test....idk

What have you done today?

Slept, eaten, watched netflix, scrolled through tumblr.

Do you sleep well?

Sometimes

Do you sleep badly?

Sometimes

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?

Who on earth remembers their past with such clarity?? I mean, it’s possible yeah. But I couldn’t tell you who or when and it’s not something I’m proud of.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?

Search me. That isn’t usually the first thing I ask someone when they hurt me.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?

Yeah, a couple. Especially friendships if people have been more trouble than they’re worth and they’ve become someone who regularly hurts me.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?

I’ve talked a few people down from suicide, but I don’t know how many of them are doing rn unfortunately.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?

My best friend.

Do you like your laugh?

I don’t hate it, but I do worry it annoys other people.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?

Lmfao no I’m not prepared for anything!! 

Do you have any funny family stories?

Not really, not that I can remember. 

Are you religious?

Nah

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?

Yeah lmao, ngl I love a good true crime show

Are you interested in cults?

...I guess I wouldn’t be adverse to finding out more about them

Would you like to raise a family in your country?

I mean, it wouldn’t be the worst place in the world to do it, but I plan on moving to another country before I consider doing that.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?

I don’t know?? I was just grateful for the things I did have.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?

Lmfao yeah 18 years and counting

Are you from a blended family?

Yup

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?

Yeah I once saw a married person with my own two eyes.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?

“You are my favourite person.”

Do you keep a journal?

In a way? I have a blog that acts as a journal and also a scrapbook

Would anyone be hurt by reading it?

Probably. I think about that a lot.

Do you have children?

Nope

Have you been pregnant?

Nopety nope

List your favorite movies?

In no particular order:

-Deadpool  -My Sisters Keeper  -Mamma Mia    -Hot Fuzz   -The Life of Brian  -The Lovely Bones    -Pitch Perfect 2

List your favorite people?

They know who they are.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?

Umm, I have a birthmark on my neck which I always think would be cool if it showed how I died in a previous life. 

Do you look after yourself?

Most of the time yeah

Do you put yourself or others first?

I put others first almost all the time. I couldn’t bare not to.

Are you happy today?

I mean,,, I was cut open and zipped back up 2 days ago so I’ve felt better lmao! 

Are you loved?

Contrary to what my anxiety wants me to believe, I think I actually might be by a few people.

[vera-invenire]

VnC Liveblog - Chapter 18

Previous chapter liveblogs are all linked HERE.

(psa: since Read Mores don’t work on mobile and the liveblogs tend to get very long/image heavy, these posts are all tagged ‘vanitas liveblog’ for easy blacklisting. we ready? on to the liveblog!)

(aka, my face when I realized what I thought was going to be a quick action chapter was in fact 60 pages long, ahahaha...)

Welp, my assumption that Vanitas was on good terms with Vampire!Vanitas at some point sure didn’t last long. I think that’s a record, tbh.

So post-Moreau Vanitas still really hated vampires.

But at some point that changed. Or at least he like, learned to live with it?

*chin in hand* Is that Vanitas speaking in that panel? That’d be the first assumption, but it also wouldn’t be the first time MochiJun has pulled a fast one with unattributed dialogue.

Could very well be him, though. It’s not his current mindset, but back then...?

Memoire 18 Dos à Dos

The Shape of Salvation

Once again we have the salvation theme. Dos à Dos is interesting, though -- it means back-to-back. An optimistic reading could be that salvation comes when they work together. Yes, yes, I like that interpretation, let’s go with that.

Seriously, Pocket-Sized-Vanitas is so convenient. Lights-Off-No-One-Home-Vanitas, mmm, not so much.

Oh hey, he snapped out of it, good. Keep dragging him, Noé, it seems to work wonders.

This thing is like a cross between Humpty Dumpty and Envy from FMA. MochiJun must have really specific nightmares.

So I didn’t really register this in the last post, but it’s a big deal -- we’re finally getting to see inside Vanitas’ head. I’m so happy, guys.

I like this transition. I could hear the fade out from Vanitas’ voice to the Vampire of the Blue Moon’s in my head.

(and maybe it’s just me, but I feel like VnC is being set up to be very anime friendly? the way the panels and action scenes are composed, the structure of the arcs, room for fillers, etc. I’m rooting for it, but if it does happen, please, please, please let it have better animation than the PH anime and a decent ending, that’s all I ask.)

Young!Vanitas pointedly keeps his distance from Vampire!Vanitas and the kid, but he can’t help but be interested. It’s such a surly!smart kid thing to do. (and see the bags under his eyes? the insomnia is clearly chronic)

“It kills and eats anything it can reach,” the Vampire of the Blue Moon says, “until the moment it consumes the last of the life-force of the vampire who created it...its only goal will be simply devouring life.”

Young!Vanitas may be suspicious as hell, but that’s not stopping him from absorbing every word Vampire!Vanitas says, to the point where he remembers it word for word years later.

Back in the lab, Predateur continues to chomp on the reinforced humans. Roland tries to cut off one of its hands, but it grows right back. This thing looks unkillable.

(This is Arakawa’s true legacy -- creepy, tiny, nightmare hands)

Humans are squishy.

Noé gets hurt saving the girl, which feels pretty typical. Vantias doesn’t care a fig about said girl but angrily freaks at Noé getting injured, which also seems typical.

And because Noé is out of commission due to his heroics, Vanitas is left unprotected and summarily squished like a bug.

(I’m noting it because it feels like foreshadowing as much as characterization, especially when you consider future!Noé‘s regret about not being able to grab Vanitas’ hand, not being able to save him, etc)

Man, the ghost of this kid has made Vanitas hit rock bottom. He is literally lying motionless on the ground.

The last few chapters were just chipping away at his psyche. He was grimly  holding it off, but then this kid entered the picture and suddenly we have reached Vanitas’ Despair Event Horizon.

This kid is kind of sinister, ngl.

Whether or not he was like this in truth (in life?), right now he’s the voice of Vanitas’ doubts. Why is Vanitas doing this? Even if his hate for vampires has evened out since he was a kid (or at least been redirected), why does he put himself through all this pain and danger to save them? We already knew he was at least somewhat conflicted about his whole revenge quest and now this kid is poking at his resolve even more.

That “You’re too late, anyway”, though, and the thing about people getting hurt for no reason -- it could just refer to their current situation, but I know in my bones this kid is tied to the broader arc of the series, which makes me think there’s a chance what he says applies there, too? Is Vanitas trying to stave off something that is inevitable? I dunno, I’m babbling.

Oh, boy.

So, first assumption is that the person who died was this kid. Second assumption is the Vampire of the Blue Moon. Third is his parents. (though, hey, we might as well throw an ‘all of the above’ option in there, too, at least until we get more details. my money’s on the kid, though.)

But also! It sure explains this, don’t it --

Noé even said it was weird and hypocritical that Vanitas wants to use Noé as a shield but doesn’t want Noé to decide to put his life in danger to save Vanitas. A tragedy in his past might very well be why. 

Out of all the chapters so far, this is the one I’d most like to see animated, I think. The phasing in and out of Vanitas’ memories and hallucinations alone would be worth it.

“You don’t want someone to die because of you again, do you?”

Vanitas has been shown to be somewhat morally -- iffy, but we finally found one of his lines. And look, it seems the chasseurs now count as people he’s willing to save. Or at least to not let die.

That face. D:

He tells Noé that once the shadow consumes its host, it will disappear on its own. Until then, they can keep it shut in the lab.

They'll be able to save themselves at the expense of the host. It’s the smart, practical thing to do.

I’m gonna go off on a bit of a tangent here, but this part of Vanitas’ personality -- the part that can see the available options and choose the smart, ruthless one (as opposed to the futile ‘right’ one) -- keeps reminding me of a quote from one of my favorite series as a kid.

"People don't understand the word ruthless. They think it means 'mean.' It's not about being mean. It's about seeing the bright, clear line that leads from A to B. The line that goes from motive to means. Beginning to end. It's about seeing that bright, clear line and not caring about anything but the beautiful fact that you can see the solution.” -- Marco, Animorphs by KA Applegate

To me, this is how Vanitas’ mind tends to work. But like Marco, Vanitas finds that following that bright, clear line is a hell of a lot harder than it looks, because to do it, you have to make yourself not care.

Easier said than done.

He’s echoing the kid, the voice of futility and doubt.

He doesn’t want to give up, but he’s been brought so low he thinks this is the only way.

but thank god Noé is never hesitant about arguing with Vanitas, eh? <3

Notice the lighting, too -- when Vanitas had given up, the background was all black, empty panels, but then Noé comes in to fill the whole page with light and purpose. Even though Vanitas’ corner is still dark, the light is starting to reach him.

he looks like he just saw jesus

No, but seriously, remember after the fight with Amelia, when Noé looked at Vanitas like he’d just performed a miracle? That almost awestruck look that comes before hope?

Vanitas is having his own version of that moment right now.

(guys, we’re getting so many good Vanitas faces this chapter)

(and look, no hourglass! when it would have been very easy to include it! methinks this is a Good Sign)

pfff, look at that background. i think his brain just glitched.

I like to read that first panel as Vanitas answering on autopilot like the not-so secret nerd he is. (remember his hilarious shop-talk with Jeanne?)

I like that first “...no.” And the cascading ‘no’s after it. His reaction in general is wonderful.

“You don’t have to come with me. But you are going to come with me, because I’m going to remind you who you are.”

This is exactly what the kid in the darkest parts of Vanitas’ mind asked Vanitas: What are you? Why are you doing this?

But where the kid (Vanitas’ own subconscious, really) asked those questions in the dark to bring Vanitas low, Noé’s asking them in the light to make him stand up.

(again, we get an emotional profile but no hourglass. this is the core Vanitas, without whatever burden the Vampire of the Blue Moon put on him, coming through to the surface)

I don’t think I’ve gone into this yet, but it’s worth pointing out that Vanitas is literally chained to that Book. Like, there’s no real reason for there to be a chain there. Some kind of strap makes sense considering how often Vanitas deliberately drops the damn thing, but it doesn’t have to be an actual chain, unless it’s for symbolic reasons.

But this time, he’s the one grabbing the chain and using it to take control. This moment isn’t about whatever burden he inherited from the Vampire of the Blue Moon, be it revenge or whatever else. It’s about what he wants to do. (and again, no prominent hourglass)

Look at that smile, his man’s back in action. Good job, Noé.

GO TEAM! \o/

(if MochiJun gives us a reversal after this I will Not Be Pleased, but I don’t think she will. They’ve earned this moment.)

And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

They jump in the mouth and warp into the pocket-dimension --

So this thing is like Humpty Dumpty, Envy, AND Gluttony, got it.

boys. <3

what an action shot, eh?

THE EVIL IS DEFEATED!

Back during Amelia’s transformation I joked about those floaty things being cherry blossom petals, but really, what are they?

The way they’re on the ground reminds me of how Oz, Alice and Gilbert were positioned when they got out of -- was it just Alice’s memories, or was it the end of the Cheshire arc? Hm.

Though even here, they’re opposites. Noé‘s face up, arms down, with kid; Vanitas is face down, arms up, no kid.

LMAO. But hey. Sometimes you just gotta jump in there and do the thing.

And bring your friends along.

And what does Vanitas do when the stress finally dissipates? What he always does --

-- have an uncontrollable laughing fit.

And this time it’s contagious!

I love how Maria and Georges are like, “this guys have lost their marbles.”

Roland’s not laughing, but he is having An Emotion of some kind.

Vanitas is repeating exactly what he said in the first chapter, too, after Noé saved him from falling out the airship. Noé wasn’t all that impressed with the laughter back then as I recall, lol. But it’s a another sign that, in this moment at least, they’re finally on the same page.

They won the battle but the war is far from over.

(even their speech bubbles are characteristic -- Vanitas’ is all uneven edges as he points out the failure, but Noé‘s are all strong shapes, centered and confidant)

uh-oh

*squints* Noé‘s carrying two bodies? There was another survivor?

(oh god, please don’t let this be like Saw)

It’s a small detail, but I appreciate Vanitas having thought out an exit strategy.

Also, Roland, you are a good dude. He’s gonna help them get out.

Orlok is gonna have quite a collection of former curse-bearers on his hands, won’t he.

(y’all. I just looked up Orlok’s name, I don’t know why I didn’t before, and OF COURSE. He’s named after the vampire from freaking Nosferatu. And hey, did you know that film had a little thing called The Book of the Vampires, cause it sure did.)

(I’m just going to be googling every name we’re given, that sounds like a good plan. sigh.)

We’re locked out of Vanitas’ head again, but Maria’s thoughts probably echo his own, at least on the surface. It still tickles me that Maria and Vanitas have equal Suspicious Bastard status.

She haaaaates the puppy-eye look because it works

(ngl, I’d love to see what happens if Noé ever earnestly tried a look like that on Vanitas. by which I mean, I want to see how long it will take him to cave.)

Check out Roland’s beatific face, man looks like a saint.

And Vanitas can’t let an opportunity to poke the chasseurs pass him by.

awww, Vanitas looks like he’s about two-seconds away from chewing off Roland’s arm~

(one day, we’re gonna get a Noé and Vanitas hug. it probably won’t happen until one chapter before The End, but it’ll happen.)

new friendships are so beautiful. though I see Vanitas is still giving Roland the side-eye.

Actually, I’d really like to know what Vanitas thinks about seeing a chasseur so readily accept a vampire. This whole time he’s been frantically banging the gong of ‘Noé, these people want to kill you, yes for real, please take this seriously, they will kill you dead with no remorse, TRUST ME I KNOW OF WHAT I SPEAK.’

But then Roland happened. Now he and Noé are buds while Vanitas stays prickly and keeps himself apart. But he’s still there, watching -- kinda like how he used to hang around Vampire!Vanitas and the Kid, now that I think about it. And we already know he was thinking and integrating a hell of a lot of information even then.

So what’s he thinking now?

They are going to get one (1) chance to meet in the sunlight as friends, and then everything is going to go to shit. I bet you $10.

Oh hey, it’s the person Roland name dropped a while back!

So what gender are we going with here? Olivier is traditionally a guy’s name, but again, see: Olivier Armstrong. They’ve got long (and smooth and shiny) hair, but that doesn’t mean anything, really. Waist to shoulder ratio is neutral. And we’ve already seen Maria, a female chasseur in priest’s clothes, so there’s no gender restrictions for this organization.

A little violent, there, Olivier.

...y’all, I think Olivier and Vanitas would have so much to bond over. They might not ever say it, but I think there’d be a true communing of souls.

Can’t you picture it, Vanitas and Olivier are sitting at a bar, dead eyes staring into space, and one of them is saying, “he made friends with rabid leprechaun last night. they’re blood brothers now.”

Ooo, something’s going on in this panel. Can’t tell what, though.

It was pretty great, wasn’t it?

Okay, calm down, guy.

At least Roland listens to someone with common sense. And we’ve got another namedrop, I see.

All in all, this is a needed reminder that not everyone in the chasseurs is going to be as understanding as Roland. They’re still a threat.

Right, so since we don’t have any other information, I’m gonna headcanon that becoming a paladin is based off a nomination/apprenticeship process, much like knighthood, so Olivier was Roland’s sponsor. (and in the chasseur!Vanitas AU I’m totally not writing in my head, Vanitas’ sponsor -- to his infinite pain and regret -- would be none other than Roland, because how could it not)

Translation: Roland’s gonna do what Roland wants to do, and if the Church happens to disagree with him, WELP. Guess the Church is wrong.

yay, they made it out. What a night, eh?

You’re lucky you’re not the other kind of vampire, Noé.

Sadly, you don’t go through an emotional wringer like Vanitas did down there and come out of it all nice and peachy. Someone let this boy sleep, he deserves a rest already.

*sings Dust in the Wind*

Hey, they were in the middle of a fight, but Noé still caught that.

YES, I think you should definitely do that. Like, immediately.

And you probably have a minor concussion, too.

(oh hey, the chapter title! Dos-à-dos, back-to-back)

Okay, fine, no answers for us yet. Let them rest.

(But this is yet another potential moment of understanding that Noé lets slip through his fingers. They’re starting to pile up.)

“Wait, you didn’t sleep at all?”

*headdesk*

Yeah, no kidding.

It’s like a perfect checklist of Things Vanitas Would Rather Eat A Porcupine Than Do. (things also on that list: talk about Vampire!Vanitas, let someone risk their life for him, hug Roland)

It really is a strange obsession, isn’t it. It’s not like he even cares about the vampires themselves, only breaking the curses.

I like this image of Noé being Vanitas’ support. Sure, he’s emotionally and physically exhausted, but it’s still significant that he trusts Noé enough to literally fall asleep on him.

The only thing that worries me is that I don’t think Noé realizes that’s he’s turning into Vanitas’ support, much like he doesn’t realize what he is to Domi. And if Noé were to step away, not knowing how much Vanitas was leaning on him...

Oh, hello. Yes, yes, this is a thing. It was woven throughout this arc, too.

When we first see Roland he declares his mission is to save Vanitas. We see that the Vampire of the Blue Moon saved him from Moreau. Noé ‘saves’ him by stopping Moreau from going after his eyes, then again by pulling him out of his despair.

But there were also points where he wasn’t saved, too. The chasseurs handed him over to Moreau as a child. Because Noé went down saving Maria, there was no one to save Vanitas when he was thrown against the wall, hitting it so hard he passed out. Hell, you could even go for the broader view and say that no one saved him from having to go down to the catacombs in the first place. Not to mention future!Noé’s failure, omnipresent in this narrative, to save him/grab his hand, etc.

He and Noé even had an argument about this. Vanitas wants a shield, but doesn’t want a savior. He wants salvation, but doesn’t want anyone to actually save him. Probably because he no longer trusts that anyone will save him, so the only thing he thinks he can depend on is saving himself. (and as we’ve seen, he doesn’t always feel like saving himself)

(tangent, but this spread looks a lot like the artwork for the cover of chapter 16 where he’s leaning back against Vampire!Vanitas, doesn’t it?)

But that side panel -- who’s talking about Moreau up there?

His research on turning humans into vampires. Or could it be another, related aspect of his research that they’re interested in? Turning vampires into humans could also be a possibility.

Also this looks like another lab?

ooo, see that flinch, looks like Spider is scared of this guy. And is that a person in the tank? With excessively long hair and small hands?

...I’m not even surprised. I mean, I gasped, of course, but I’m not surprised. He was far too powerful to be an ally at this point in the game.

(Ruthven, if you hurt Noé, I will DOMI and VANITAS will hurt YOU.)

So, Ruthven wants to kill his nephew. Of course he does, the regent always does. And he’s using Moreau to do -- something. First assumption is that it has to do with the person in that tank, but it’s hard to guess anything at the moment.

But...hmmm. Remember Jeanne’s backstory? She’s Ruthven’s bourreau and after the war she was put to sleep and only recently awakened. It was shown like this --

Looks like she’s sinking or floating in water, no?

Perhaps this tank is how Jeanne was ‘stored’. If she was, then maybe whoever is currently in that tank is also from the human-vampire war, too? It’s a possibility.

Guess we’ll find out soon!

Next up - CHAPTER 19.