#ngl I’m grateful she’s around and healthy and we can talk about it now I’m an adult

[faithfromanewperspective]

getting ready to have the Autism Talk with my (asian) grandma and realising how much of how they diagnose it just overlaps with cultural misunderstandings. literally can one thing please just not be racist just once

[redxblueihateloveyou]

i know that there are rinharu shippers that exaggerate interactions and read too deeply into them, but ngl mh shippers take it to a whole new level. Like, yeah we all know Haru cares about Mako, he's his best friend, but they take soooooooo many things and twist it out of context and then try to claim it as canon. i don't get it. it's fine if makoharu is your deal, but then they use it to attack rinharu and its like not. even. canon???

Every shipper exaggerates their otp moments, I mean, it’s a normal thing. But there’s a huge difference between taking an existing moment and overemphasizing it and taking this moment and turning it completely upside down, you know what I mean? Take a canon moment and go ahead and exaggerate it, but don’t create something that didn’t happen and exaggerate it, and don’t take a canon moment and make it the complete opposite of what happened.

I think it’s perfectly okay and understandable, when you like see your ship smile at each other or smth and freak out, for example. Or like when Rin said that maybe he and Haru also gonna be in one bed together next year, like I think, I deserve to make a big deal out of this, cause... I mean, it’s right there. He said it, not me.  

Or take me, for example, after the new bnha ova, when I went like “tododeku flirted and forgot bakugou under the rocks”, which was like a hilarious scene. I’m of course exaggerating, cause I just found it funny that they started talking about getting out without even looking around for the third party, that could be crushed under rocks, but I’m just joking. I mean, you can’t help but joke at scenes like this, when it’s your otp.

Now imagine if todobaku fans for example were watching that scene in ova and be like “Todoroki only ran to Midoriya because he thought Bakugou was buried under him, and then Midoriya threw a magic dust at him so he couldn’t remember anything.” Can you even imagine such madness? Now that’s how most Makoharu fans are watching Free!

And I just want to say, that I’m normally in many fandoms are so good with people who ship something that I don’t. I mean, I absolutely love bakudeku and todobaku fans, like 90% are so sweet and they even write comments under my tododeku vids like “this is amazing, respect from bakudeku gang” and KNB fandom is very nice no matter what they ship, and etc.

But.. but makoharu, I mean Makoto fans, I in all seriousness cannot talk to. I mean, these bunch... most of them don’t even like Makoto for who he is. They sell him as some protective and secretly very dangerous dude. It’s like if I said that Haru is my favorite, cause he’s so good at communicating with people.

I mean, to create something that’s completely OOC and claim that it’s there is just utter nonsense to me. Like when someone wrote that Haru is unrequitedly in love with Makoto, I almost peed myself from laughing, but honestly at some point it all got to the point where it’s not funny anymore, cause when you read their posts, you realize that they’re serious.

I mean you gotta realize that when you change characters to the point that they’re not these characters anymore, it’s not called “all ships are valid”, it called “pure stupidity”. Because it’s not the said ship already. It’s some other characters.

And when you constantly post not in your tag and get jealous of a rinharu post that got 20k notes and screenshoot it on insta even tho it has nothing to do with your ship and wasn’t even tagged no by makoharu no by makoto, there’s clearly something not okay with you, just saying.

And I’ve seen some fandoms/ships who twist everything to the point where it gets histerical. 

Like when, for example, when Eren told Mikasa that he always hated her because she behaves like a slave without her own will, and they interpreted it as “he said it because he loves her so so much” and I’m not joking there’s a whole tumblr post dedicated to this.

And I’ve seen some fandoms/ships who twist everything to the point where I’m genuinely worried for people’s sanity.

Like when V had a live translation and someone wrote him about getting on with Jungkook (1stly, are u even ok???) and he addressed this and asked to stop being delusional, and that they’re friends. I legit thought maybe it’ll stop people, until next day I saw a post on YouTube about how Bighit tries to cover vkook with jikook and Jimin is an asshole who always hangs on Jungkook... I’m like I do not know how to react to this. I mean, do I wanna ask why Bighit would want to cover one gay BTS ship with another one? Or should we just skip to the question “are you okay?” lmao 

But I still think Makoharu fans take the cake tbh.

I mean it’s not about the ship wars, because I normally don’t mind anyone shipping anything, since everyone has their own tastes and some people, like in real life, see love in all kind of crazy shit. Like someone thinks “he treats you like shit and yells at you, means he loves you”, someone think that it’s if you��re with somebody all your life or grateful for something... ppl mistake this for love too. And hey, to everyone love means different things. Someone just settle for things, some dream big and wants to live a life. No judging. 

But like if you ship makoharu, accept it for what it is, not for something it’s clearly not. But once again, it’s mostly makoto fans, cause it’s all going from twisting a character, and pretending he’s not what he is.

But then once again, many people do not understand characters in anime in general. Like if you think Momoi is really Kuroko’s love interest and do not see what author intended, you probably need to broaden your horizons a bit.

Or like if you think that, idk, Alois is a villain, Lance is really this cheerful and Kuroko is an angel. I mean, it’s hilarious how even in some obvious situations people do not get things. Like seriously, maybe put just a tiny bits of brains into work when you’re watching, this is all I ask.

And don’t get me wrong, I won’t  generalize and say that all makoharu shippers are like that, but there are some ships and sometimes even whole fandoms whose most fans are just dumb, and makoharu is in top three of those for sure. I’m sorry, but it’s true, you saw it. I just can’t even have a normal conversation or a healthy argument with them, cause the logic doesn’t exist there.

And ones again, don’t get me wrong, you can be the smart one in the dumb fandom, too. Sometimes fandoms embarrass nice people, it happens.

[purekesseltrash]

This is my final ask talking about BTD so it has to be perfect, I literally created a google doc so I wouldnt fuck it up before I sent it

Shoji replaying a song over and over while doing a task reminded me of when I listened to “Ophelia” by The Lumineers on repeat while drinking coffee on my kitchen counter and lemme tell ya, I’ve been chasing that high ever since

Yeah knowing you'd have *some* family but not all of them after coming out sucks major ass but its the truth, I'm ever so grateful that the only person who would react negatively that I know would be my maternal Grandmother whos a narcissistic bitch who I haven't spoken to in years so like, i dont give a shit what she thinks but I know that it would be hard on Shoji seeing how family oriented he is in this story and him knowing his relationships with his siblings and parents would be rocky makes my heart break for him

OOOOO BITCHHHHHH HES TEXTING HIMMMMMMM

That went over a lot smoother than I thought it would, I mean i'm incredibly happy that they’re like, getting together, but I honestly expected it to be more drawn out

Awww Tokoyami getting their as fast as he could and Shoji being soft for domestic Tokoyami

Sweet jesus I can relate to Shoji just randomly thanking his friend for being his friend, the amount of times I’ve wanted to just ominously text my friends a “thank you for everything” is too many to count

I LOVE GRITTY, HE REMINDS ME OF MY CAT WHOS A MAINE COON (his names Chewie if you're interested)

I knew Mic would suck at cooking, its just so him

I practically squealed at Shoji changing Tokoyami’s contact name to Fumikage

Okay, little background story, I keep a list in my notes app of headcanons for Tokoyami and literally one of them on there says word for word “Dogs absolutely love him and he loves them right back” so im SO GLAD you made him a dog person, making him a cat person seems like the easy route

LAWYER MOM IS INTRODUCED i honestly didn't picture her as a blonde but now I see it

Tokoyami’s mom being incredibly enthusiastic reminds me a lot of my mom, she always get excited when people have pride flags hanging up and suggested we get a pride flag so that made me appreciate my mama more than I already have been

I swear to god my eyes got as big as saucers hearing the part about cheesecake because I'm from New Hartford and forgot Hartford was a different city.

I can just picture Aizawa SLAMMING the brakes and whipping his head around, hair flying, as he looks at Shoji

“And he let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding” how much more cliche could you get, not gonna lie that made me laugh

All right I have to confess something. I've skipped every transcript of Put Your Sticks Up because I was impatient and wanted to get to the story. Now you know my biggest secret, I always felt bad but would get frustrated cause I wanted to hear ‘bout my boys.

The last precious worm ask! I am finally on my laptop so I can give this the proper attention.

Ngl, when my head isn't working, I will just put on one song and play it over and over and over and over and over until something comes into my head. My ShinOji fic 'Gold Rush' came from that. Still not sure how I managed to make a somewhat decent fic out of a song about gentrification but my mind is a wild and wonderful place.

Yeah, Shouji goes through it with his family. One thing that I can say though is that as Shouji starts to get more and more successful with his art, Tokoyami starts to spitefully send articles and reviews written on his work to his parent's house. He never gets a response but doesn't expect to, he just feels like they should see how amazing their son is, goddamnit. The one day, a letter comes back. Tokoyami opens it, expecting it to be them telling him to knock it off and instead, one of the pictures has been sent back with 'This is beautiful' written in pen, an arrow pointing to one of his vases. Tokoyami then has to show it to Shouji and explain what he did. Shouji cries basically all night. That starts a very, very tenuous back and forth with his mom.

Gonna put the rest of this under a break because it's gonna be long

You should have seen my first outline if you thought this was quick with them figuring it out. Basically, the only reason that Tokoyami broke it off in the first place was because he didn't see that there was a chance of it working. They worked so well otherwise. Amazing chemistry, complimentary senses of humor, Tokoyami didn't want to break it off at all. He just felt like he had to because otherwise they were both going to get more hurt. So when Shouji was like 'okay, but actually I do want to try this', he was all in.

Ojiro is legit Shouji's first real friend. Which is really really sad given that they met when they were eighteen but Shouji never really got a chance to do anything normal.

Maine Coons rule and Chewie is an excellent name for them. I was going to name their cat after Marie Phillipe Poulin, the greatest women's hockey player ever, but I decided that Gritty would be funnier. Mic as a bad cook is deeply satisfying, I picture him being like me, just all 'okay but I just do enough to make something to survive on and uh.... who needs all the details and stuff'.

The name change actually came from my beta. They asked why his contact was still Western Civ Tutor in the beginning of the chapter and I was like 'oooo, great way to show how they have changed'.

And maaaaaaaaaan. I'm sorry but how is someone who is a bird gonna like a cat. Nah. Tokoyami is a dog person. They do go on to get a dog. They were going to get a Shiba Inu or something catlike until Kenta came through with a hound puppy that he'd found in the rain while on his route and just dumps it in Shouji's lap like 'Surprise!'. They name it Lu after Roberto Luongo, famed goalie. The dog is a goddamned menace and Shouji ends up having to take it to classes and learn about dog training so they can all keep their sanity. He ends up loving Lu the most. (I do some part time dog training so I had to throw that in)

Tokoyami dyes his hair. He's actually a mousy blond under the dye like his mama. And yeah, my parents are hella supportive too. I figured it would be healthy for one of them to have accepting parents.

Aizawa was pretty pissed, ngl. For all that he should know better, he got caught up in the same shit that coaches tend to slip into, which is a responsibility because they have someone with potential that they must mold and then when they go on to do amazing things, they can feel a part of it. But then he realizes where he fucked up and how he was so busy seeing Shouji the hockey player that he couldn't see Shouji the person.

Listen, it's my fanfic, so I'm gonna get as cheesy as I damn well please. I'd written a super cheesy ending for the end of 'Black Sun' and was waffling on keeping it until somebody was like 'it's a fic, be as cheesy as you want'. I can has my cheese, as a treat.

WHAT IN THE FUCK WORM. HOW CONFUSED HAVE YOU BEEN THIS ENTIRE TIME?!?!?! this legit made me laugh out loud when I read it. GO BACK AND READ MIC'S SHOW!!! I set up so much stuff to try and prepare the reader to understand the emotional stakes, not to mention the basic facts of hockey! That being said, I get the feeling.

Thank you for this last super mega grande worm ask, sorry that it took me so long, I wanted to be able to give it my full attention. <3

[kingofthewilderwest]

Aurgh it’s hard as fuck when your main squick is something that’s popular with like, almost every other human being ever, and is intended to be one of those safe everyday conversations you can have with both intimate friends and complete strangers. Where it’s supposed to be a thing that humanity uses as a uniting, welcoming, bonding force... but to me it’s just... a really uncomfortable reminder of a host of bad things.

I’m talking food here.

Food conversations often make me feel uncomfortable. Vastly uncomfortable. There’s an intricate set of conditions for which conversations I’m fine with and which will bother me, but no one except me is going to know all that minuteness. Point is: food conversations, food socialization, it’s everywhere. And it’s so hard to handle. Because i know everyone wants to be nice and they’re reaching out to me, but every time they do that kind gesture, it’s alienating and disturbing me more. And so 9 times out of 10, I put on a polite face and humor them because I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t let them know it bothers me. 

Dudes I am like, always trying to minimize my discomfort for others, because I know it’s impractical to act otherwise.

Which means I’m constantly living in a state of internally squirming.

Let’s be clear: I am someone who’s pretty comfortable giving feedback to friends, talking back and forth about what does/doesn’t work between us. I’m not someone socially anxious at approaching topics like these. I’m FINE telling friends, “Hey, I don’t like X, how about we do Y?” But just... food’s an impossible battle, dudes, and you can’t do it to complete strangers, to EVERYONE you meet, to EVERY circumstance you go through... it’s just... it’s a losing battle and I’d rather be polite and not make others feel uncomfortable, than constantly jut out to no good result.

For like. The one time out of ten I ask people (usually close friends) to avoid food-related actions and conversations, it’s a roll of the dice whether or not their behavior changes, even when they don’t complain “That makes it hard to talk to you!” Usually the confiding conversation changes little. Even when they’re trying to do something. 

The problem is that food reminds me I’m socially ostracized, and it reminds me of a lot of the mental illness and self-care issues I’ve chronically had in my life. In fact, food is a really good symbol of everywhere I just STRUGGLE so like, yeah, surprise surprise, I hate hearing and talking about it and stuff.

So like. Number one. I have Celiac Disease. I got diagnosed as an infant (praise God) and have lived a strict gluten free diet my entire life, even before most people knew what the word meant or knew the word existed. I have pride for being a Celiac, but I don’t like what the social impacts are. I learned to turn down food offered to me. Which is like. A lot of the time, dudes. Humans bond through food. But growing up without food bonding is....... yeah wow, dudes, apparently it messes you up, who knew.

1. You gotta turn down the dinner invitations for people who want to cook for you, knowing they’ll have nooooo idea how to prepare safe gluten-free friendly foods. Or, you don’t want to be a Drastic Social Burden(TM) that’s difficult to prepare for (because there’s so much RESEARCH they’d have to do, and so much I’d have to DOUBLE CHECK for them, just to make sure I could eat one fucking cupcake). So any time there’s a social gathering around dinner that isn’t going to a restaurant, it turns into a major cringe reaction for me, wishing that this hangout were literally ANY other time of day.

Mealtimes, which everyone else uses as a way to bond with one another in a positive, delightful way... are one of the Biggest Ways to make me feel alienated, uncomfortable, socially burdensome, on edge. Instead of making me feel included, I feel all the more aware I’m the odd one out. During the times people *DO* actually cook gluten free for me, I feel an unending wave of gratefulness piled on social burden, because they had to go out of their fucking way to figure this out, due to the problematic nature of me having strict dietary restrictions.

2. You know how often food gets offered to you as gifts? I have to constantly turn down those gifts. I already lack gift giving abilities; turning down gifts is socially cumbersome but something I’m always waiting to have to do. Instead of ever feeling grateful someone offered me something (I know they mean well), I have to ruin the moment by asking to see the packaging for the ingredients list, or saying “no”. And someone saying “I’d love to cook for you!” just makes me think “oh god oh god oh god NO. please NO.”

3. Really fun hanging out with friends and “Let’s go eat” and you have to veto 3/4 of the restaurants they want to go to because you can’t eat there. Frankly, I often succumb to “Pick what you want, I’ll figure something out for me.” My friends don’t like that and insist to include me (food bonding [sigh]) but yeahhhh, I like to wimp out on that rather than bother.

4. Oh hi guess what it also goes into being left out of religious experiences like church communions. Until larger churches started offering gluten free wafers to replace bread... if I wanted to be included in communion... I either had to whisper something to the pastor before she gave me bread, or I’d have to give her my gluten free bread ahead of time so she could give it to me specially (this is what my mom did for me, who always tried to make me feel included as a little kid... bake me my own cakes for birthday parties... arrange this stuff with the church... what have you). And let’s not get started on the awkward conversations I had when friends invited me to seder and I had to do a lot of make-sure-ing there too.

5. Okay guys you know how COMMON it is for people to text you food pictures? Look what I made. This is my dinner. What have you. How that will IMMEDIATELY set off my discomfort??? But if I don’t respond, I’ll get a text half an hour later, “Hey, did you see my concoction?” 

6. Ngl this makes me 300000x more nervous if I have to do any food-related hosting event. Even if it’s “bring something to the potluck!” it throws me into so much distress. Now *I* have to pick food for *someone else*, when I live in a world where no one knows how to pick food for me. It makes me uncertain what to bring, what’s acceptable to bring, etc. I mean, I guess the one thing I have going for me is I make sure I bring stuff ANY person of ANY diet can eat, but like... there’s so much social discomfort. I get even more uncomfortable at the thought of trying to cook meals for people (doesn’t help I can’t cook to save my life) or hosting social events with snacks in them (ex: movie nights). 

THERE IS A REASON I DEFAULT TO “HEY WHO WANTS TO GO OUT TO DINNER, I’LL PAY!!!!” it’s the one non-uncomfortable way I can show my love to my friends, while dealing with a physical need I know they have (hunger). It’s not the “best” bonding way, but I try to minimize those experiences, get out of them, but like... if I’m offering to buy you dinner, THIS IS ***THE*** BEST I CAN DO AND I AM DESPERATE TO DO IT BECAUSE IT IS THE ***ONLY*** WAY I CAN FOOD BOND WITH YOU AND I KNOW YOU NEED THAT.

On and on and on and on and on. 

Like, on its own, living with Celiac is damn EASY. It’s not hard to cook and eat gluten free meals. But it’s the interaction with all the other human beings, who default to eating gluten-filled meals, and trying to get me in on the socialization of gluten-filled meals... that makes it so problematic to navigate. And means I’m constantly feeling socially........ jutting out. Square peg in round hole phenomenon.

But it’s not just the fact that everyone else grew up bonding with food and meals... and I was separated out and couldn’t bond. 

Uarghghghg it’s not just Celiac. Celiac is simple. Celiac is normal. I’m 100% chill with the fact I have it, and I actually get angry when people suggest it’s something that should be “cured.” Fuck you dudes, I’m normal, I’m healthy, my life is great, it’s not my fault you like wheat and think I should like it too. 

But. Where things get really emotionally hairy. It’s that food is a pinnacle of my non-neurotypical issues. I forever screwed up my diet in college when I got so depressed I quit eating regularly and lost something like 10-15 lb (which was... like... 10% of my body weight, yiiiiikes). It became this... self-imposed contest... where I tried to skip as many meals as possible. It became a Rule that I didn’t eat Sundays. It took years for me to eat 2-3 meals a day again. And it forever impacted the health of what I ate. I have really baaaaaad diet.

And diet is always the first thing to get impacted when I have a depression-y spell. It’s the hardest thing for me to get in control to try to take care of myself. I’m CONSTANTLY struggling to take care of myself even during my happy periods, when it comes to food, and so you can only imagine what happens to my diet when I’m in my many bad spells. Food represents the constant struggle, the constant inability for me to function. It sometimes feels like the symbol of my mental illness. It’s a battle I am constantly, constantly, constantly, constantly fighting. I’m fighting to get ONE meal a week that I’ve fucking cooked for myself. I’m fighting to eat things that could be called “meals” at all (don’t worry, I get my calories and shit in, I eat very regularly, I snack all the fucking time, I’m not underfed, I’m fiiiiiine, it’s just not... good nutritional value, and it relies heavily on restaurants or non-scratch non-recipe items). 

And when food is the epitome of so many bad things - inability to fit in socially, inability to take care of myself, a memory of times when I collapsed psychologically my freshman year of college and went into eating disorder mode... like dudes, I’m sorry, I’m not going to enjoy photos of your macaroni and cheese you texted me. It’s going to make me go into instant Red Flag Mental Mode where I’m thinking about nothing except constant internal battles I fight.

And yet.

Oh goodie.

Food is The Go To socializer. Food is a Nice Easy Topic. Food is everywhere, and I just bite my tongue and smile and tell someone, “Looks like a tasty dinner.”

[i-amusemyself]

All the asks.

Aaaaah tysm!!!!!

Sunrise or sunset?

Sunset. I prefer the colours and also not being awake so early!

Are you mentally ill?

Yeah I have depression but whatevs

Are you physically ill?

Chronically my dude. I have IBS and EDS type 3

What is the most expensive thing you have bought?

A plane ticket for nearly £1000 lmao! It took me working 3 jobs for over a year but it was worth it.

Do you have a job?

Not atm but I’ll get one in a few months. 

Are you in school?

Noooooo!! I finally finished sixth form in June. I’m finally free!! (I’m so happy I won’t have to see half those people again ngl)

Are you a dropout?

Nah

Are you in college?

Assuming this means uni, then no, but I will be in october.

Introvert or extrovert?

I have?? No idea?? I’m shy af and really quiet but I do like meeting new people.

What do you think when you look at your body?

I don’t really think much at all anymore, which is an improvement tbh. I just sort of see it but don’t process it.

What have others said when they look at your body?

I’ve had a lot of not-so-supportive comments about my body from a lot of people. Most people tell me I’m too thin, that I’m unattractive, that I should get surgery for one reason or another. Idk. I don’t expect much more tbh.

Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?

Hoo boi I have a whole playlist of songs that mean something to me.

Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive?

It was 2, maybe 3 weeks ago now XD I was roadtripping around America with my best friend @only-slightly-dangerous and it was the happiest I’ve ever been. We were care free and the world was beautiful and there were so many new things to see and do. I wish I was back there.

Are you confident wearing a bikini?

Not at all, I’ll avoid it at all costs.

Can you look people in the eyes while talking?

See, I don’t have a conscious issue with it. I don’t mind eye contact that much. But I usually subconsciously end up looking away, especially if I’m thinking deeply about something/trying to remember something.

Has anything terrible happened to you?

Depends on your definition of terrible. But yeah, a couple of things have really fucked me up.

Has anything wonderful happened to you?

I met the best person in my life at the worst time in my life. The chances of it happening were ridiculously slim; I still can’t get my head around it.

Favorite part of your personality?

I don’t know. My patience or my sense of humor?

Least favorite part of your personality?

How easily I become jealous of others. Or maybe my need to be in control. I’m working on both of them though.

Favorite part of your body?

....my legs? I’m told theyre p good?

Least favorite part of your body?

Maybe my face? Maybe my chest. Idk, I don’t critique it often.

Favorite quote?

“The sun will rise and we will try again”. There are others I like, but that’s the first that comes to mind.

Do you have friendships with all genders?

I have a crippling fear of men so most my close friends are with girls. Though again, I’m working on it.

Do you have a good relationship with your father?

I didn’t used to so much, but I think it’s improved a lot over the past few years.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

It’s complicated. I don’t really wanna go into it rn

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?

I don’t have any sibs, kinda wish I did though

Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?

Yuuup

Have you ever had a near death experience?

Nope

Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?

Yeah. I used to talk to a girl on here and for months we held a pact of staying alive for each other. But she gave up (I kind of understood though). That was rough.

Have you ever tried to take your own life?

...whatever I answer this with feels like a lie

Biggest lie you have told?

I canny remember lmao

Do you follow any conspiracies?

I haven’t read much into many conspiracies, ngl. But there was something strange about how those twin towers fell down...

Do you believe in a New World Order?

Never heard of it. Gonna google it though.

Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?

Not at all. The tories can kiss my butt. They’re barely human.

Is there currently any strife in your country?

Meh, nothing too bad.

Have you ever been displaced within your country?

Nope, thankfully.

Are your friendships healthy?

The ones I have left are lmao! I’ve been doing a lot of cutting off in the past year, but it seems to have worked out pretty well.

Are you currently fighting with a friend?

No

Are you jealous of a friend? Why?

No. Their achievements don’t diminish my own. I want them all to succeed.

Do you believe in the Illuminati?

As much as I’m here for the meme, I don’t actually know much about it.

Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?

See previous.

How can people tell you are nervous?

Um, I don’t know. I try not to let on. Depending on the situation I might ask a lot of questions about it or just be very talkative in general. Also not being able to sit still.

How can people tell you are sad?

I don’t tend to talk as much or with as much enthusiasm. I also tend to “zone out” a lot if I’m feeling really down. Sometimes I’ll just give up on conversations all together and refuse to make any more effort than the other person is doing.

Do you ever express your true feelings?

I...think so. Yeah. I sometimes dilute them when I express them, but I rarely keep a feeling contained completely. That destroys me.

Regrets in your life?

Not standing up for myself more.

Achievements in your life?

I won a couple of things when I was younger (basketball tournaments, painting competitions) also I do well in school ig?

What did people say about you in school?

I mean, I’m sure I never heard all of it. The general consensus seemed to be everyone hated me for being “stuck up” and for doing okay at tests. Idk. 

What did you say about people in school?

Depended on the person lmao! I wasn’t a big fan of many people in my year, but I didn’t really hate any of them as much as they thought.

Is there something you have never told anyone?

yh

Have you committed an illegal act?

I mean, piracy, that’s it.

If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?

I’d buy a house somewhere nice, a plane ticket and a holiday. Then I’d give a decent amount to everyone I know. The rest I’d give to charity.

What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?

I cant even remember what my aspirations were yesterday?? I’ve pretty much always wanted to do something to do with science, though it’s varied which parts of it.

Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?

It aint happened.

Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?

Low to average I’d say? My mums a single parent but we do okay.

Are you from a broken marriage?

My parents are divorced yah

Have you been raised by a solo parent?

Sort of? Officially speaking yeah.

Do you know both your parents?

Yup

What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?

Brown eyes, blonde hair and white skin.

Have you abused drugs or alcohol?

No. I’ve drunk when I probably should have just talked about my feelings though.

What languages can you speak?

I speak english and a reasonable level of spanish. I’m also learning danish atm.

Do you conform to your societies standards?

Idk, I guess not.

Do you cry often?

Lmao, a lot more often than most people yeah. I’ve a very emotional person.

Do you tell people what you think of them?

Only the good parts.

Are you comfortable accepting compliments?

Not at all, it always feels like a lie.

Are you comfortable giving compliments?

Oh yeah! If I’m thinking something good about someone I’ll let them know!

Is any mental illness hindering your life?

Depression. It’s a bugger.

Is any physical illness hindering your life?

To a normal person it might seem it, but I’ve just kind of adapted to my illnesses so I can live life as normally as possible now.

Do you keep up with current events?

I try to I suppose. I haven’t so much recently though ngl.

What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?

This feels like a test....idk

What have you done today?

Slept, eaten, watched netflix, scrolled through tumblr.

Do you sleep well?

Sometimes

Do you sleep badly?

Sometimes

Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?

Who on earth remembers their past with such clarity?? I mean, it’s possible yeah. But I couldn’t tell you who or when and it’s not something I’m proud of.

Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?

Search me. That isn’t usually the first thing I ask someone when they hurt me.

Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?

Yeah, a couple. Especially friendships if people have been more trouble than they’re worth and they’ve become someone who regularly hurts me.

Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?

I’ve talked a few people down from suicide, but I don’t know how many of them are doing rn unfortunately.

Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?

My best friend.

Do you like your laugh?

I don’t hate it, but I do worry it annoys other people.

Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?

Lmfao no I’m not prepared for anything!! 

Do you have any funny family stories?

Not really, not that I can remember. 

Are you religious?

Nah

Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?

Yeah lmao, ngl I love a good true crime show

Are you interested in cults?

...I guess I wouldn’t be adverse to finding out more about them

Would you like to raise a family in your country?

I mean, it wouldn’t be the worst place in the world to do it, but I plan on moving to another country before I consider doing that.

List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?

I don’t know?? I was just grateful for the things I did have.

Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?

Lmfao yeah 18 years and counting

Are you from a blended family?

Yup

Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?

Yeah I once saw a married person with my own two eyes.

What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?

“You are my favourite person.”

Do you keep a journal?

In a way? I have a blog that acts as a journal and also a scrapbook

Would anyone be hurt by reading it?

Probably. I think about that a lot.

Do you have children?

Nope

Have you been pregnant?

Nopety nope

List your favorite movies?

In no particular order:

-Deadpool  -My Sisters Keeper  -Mamma Mia    -Hot Fuzz   -The Life of Brian  -The Lovely Bones    -Pitch Perfect 2

List your favorite people?

They know who they are.

Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?

Umm, I have a birthmark on my neck which I always think would be cool if it showed how I died in a previous life. 

Do you look after yourself?

Most of the time yeah

Do you put yourself or others first?

I put others first almost all the time. I couldn’t bare not to.

Are you happy today?

I mean,,, I was cut open and zipped back up 2 days ago so I’ve felt better lmao! 

Are you loved?

Contrary to what my anxiety wants me to believe, I think I actually might be by a few people.

[elaminator]

We made it through another year (hurrah?)

It was a rough one, right?

Warning: this will be TMI. Not in a “gross, see a doctor for that” way, but in a, “Hey, this is somewhat in-depth about your life and experiences, and is a bit rambly and depressing and whiny, so maybe not everyone will enjoy it” way.

Also, there are some pictures.

I can’t even remember the last time I’ve made a personal post (and personal posts are a more recent thing for me anyway, since I didn’t tend to talk about my personal life much until it went to shit), but I know it was sometime in 2016.

(I think it was shortly after my mom had her stroke, and we had to temporarily admit her into a nursing home for therapy. She was in behavioral facilities, hospitals, a nursing home, etc last year, in and out, pretty much over and over again. She’s been home now for a little less than three months, and part of me is amazed we’ve made it this long. I love my mother more than anything, but taking care of her isn’t easy, and I know I won’t always be able to do it. I certainly wouldn’t alone, because there’s so much involved with day to day activities like cooking, cleaning, laundry, making appointments, keeping track of medicine and bills, etc, and keeping all of that going as well as watching her 24/7 would be impossible without dad to keep an eye on her too. Dad has his own problems (which I’m trying to help him with), but between the two of us we’re managing…for now. However, mom does require supervision basically all the time, so things can be tiresome, and I’m not sure how long we can continue to manage it.) As bonkers as last year was in general (for the entire world), it felt completely balls to the wall insane to me. 2016 was without a doubt the worst year of my life. I had never been so stressed, so lost, and my life had never been so unstable. (Mom’s nurse phrased it as, “Last year was a wash. You were just trying to keep your head above water.” It seemed fitting.) Frankly, the whole year happened in a bit of a blur (given how painful it was, you would think the opposite); maybe this is because I had so little ‘fun time’ that I couldn’t honestly catch my breath. I spent a lot of it crying and losing my shit in-between being busy because I didn’t feel prepared for anything that was happening, but now that 2017 is here I’m more terrified than ever (what with the shit-stain the US now has as president, and with my mothers poor health; I’m afraid that something catastrophic will happen to Medicare, which would ruin us because my parents medical bills are waaaay too numerous; it’s already bad enough that the ACA might be repealed, hurting millions of people, and that Medicare might be a pipe dream for the younger generation, but my parents would be absolutely screwed without Medicare so you can see why this concerns me. Don’t even get me started on the environment, the suppression of the scientific community, the open corruption and lies that the president and his lackeys keep sprouting, and the attacks on the media and the public. I’m honestly afraid to live in America right now). (But since this is a personal post, and ya’ll can clearly see from my reblogs how I feel about the nightmarish political climate in America…)

Mom was lucky as far as her stroke went, in that she can speak fairly clearly when she tries, but she rarely does. She’s had about nine visits from home health (and therapy) a week, trying to get her back into shape, and while some of it helped, she refused to participate in speech therapy, so that was a waste of time. Ironically, speech was probably the thing she needed the most help with, but sometimes there’s no getting through to her. It isn’t easy asking her to repeat herself (which I do often, and occasionally give up on; I’m not going to ask her to repeat herself twenty times. There’s a limit to what I can do), and her mental state is a bit better atm, but it’s clear she’s not getting better. For a large portion of last year I doubted she even had Alzheimer’s (“Her memory is too good”, I thought; “Schizophrenia and depression would make just as much sense, and her diagnosis was so sudden”), but now I feel like I was just in denial about her condition. Her memory isn’t as bad as it could be (we haven’t reached the point she doesn’t know who I am, and hopefully won’t…), she has a good handle on long term memories, and sometimes short term isn’t so bad, but she’s an entirely different person than she was a couple years ago (paranoid, repetitive, anxious, sometimes mean… If she isn’t screaming something upsetting, downright bizarre or possibly insulting, or interrupting me every three minutes from whatever I’m doing it’s a good day). Our roles have switched, too; I feel like her mother sometimes, and I no longer get any parental reassurance because she isn’t really capable of it. There are things to be grateful for, but ngl, it’s hard to be grateful when you’re so emotionally exhausted. (Kind of physically exhausted too tbh, what with mom and everything going on right now in the US, I’m not sleeping as much or as well as I should be.) Now we’re back in the house (after the flood, which…is something I’m never forgetting), and I’m trying to get into a normal routine again, but it’s hard. (Mom has a break from therapy starting this week, but when therapy was coming we would have someone over at 8 AM at least three times a week, and three visits a day sometimes too, so while I appreciated she was getting help, it was difficult to plan for anything else. It’s 25-40 minutes away to grocery shop or see a doctor, and we have to make those trips on a very regular basis, so we kind of need time for them.) I used to be able to get up at 4 or 5 AM to workout, shower, dress and eat, but rarely do I feel like it these days. I am miraculously still working out (it’s been about four years now that I started my weight loss regime, and I’ve lost about 134 pounds), but usually it’s a bit later in the day. I even lost an extra 10 pounds last year without meaning to (a combination of stress, barely working out while displaced, eating less to compensate for it, and being constantly on the go), but I’ve been up and down the last couple of months. Truthfully, I don’t mind the way I look being a pound or two heavier (though I am annoyed that every time I gain weight it goes straight to my belly), and I don’t actually want to lose more than the few pounds I’ve gained by stress-eating (I already have difficulty finding clothing in my size), but I care far more about the numbers than I should. Acknowledging it is good, right? I’m much more energetic (despite everything), healthy and have more confidence now that I’ve lost weight, but it didn’t come without a price (though one I find acceptable), which is that sometimes I get a bit ridiculous with the self criticism and obsession with staying at a particular number.  Moving on…

As mentioned, we are finally back in the house (we were out…around seven, maybe eight months?), so that’s a blessing, and if there’s one good thing to come of last year it’s that the house turned out lovely. We went through a hell of a time getting the insurance to pay for the flood damage, but regardless of what other issues we have (and they are numerous), it’s a pleasure to be back.

It’s odd sometimes (having lived in the house as it was so long), but it does feel like home, and it reflects my taste now (as mom can’t/won’t make such decisions now, and dad was completely lost so he left most of it up to me), so that’s pretty cool. It is a lot more upkeep than being in the trailer, but it’s worth it. I debated on if I should upload a few pictures of the house or not (because I’m paranoid af of someone IRL finding my online accounts), but figure I’m probably fine. There are a few pieces of furniture yet to arrive, and we don’t have everything we would like yet, but we’re making progress. We (mostly) have what we need, and we’re filling our wardrobes out again (I’ve done a lot of browsing in the last couple of months…for both myself and my parents) and trying to replace whatever else we had too. It’s taking time, but having new stuff is nice.

(Wanted to rave about the Corvo mask; how cool is it? Coming out of the bathroom one night, I jumped the fuck out of my skin because I forgot it was there; still, it was worth the near heart-attack.)

I have a PS4 now, btw! Granted, I’ve had very little time to actually play it, and all the games need massive day one updates to play half decently (some of which might take two months just to download because of my dumb data cap), but…hey, better than not having it at all. I bought The Uncharted collection (unfortunately I lost all my PS3 games) and The Last of Us Remastered, as well as Rise of the Tomb Raider, Uncharted 4, and Dishonored 2. Probably going to be a bit before I get to Uncharted 4 (which I’m very hyped for, as Uncharted is one of my favorite series) or Tomb Raider, but the fact that I own them now gives me something to look forward to. I finally (after months) finished replaying Dishonored again about a week and a half ago (with the DLC this time, which was excellent), and I just arrived at the beginning of the second level in Dishonored 2 (as Emily). It’s a damn beautiful game, even though I’m not as comfortable with the gameplay as I was with the original yet. Most the time I’m fine, but with large groups of enemies… Not so much. I do absolutely love the ability to choke out guards and catch them before they fall to the ground though; it looks so seamless and is a lot easier than having to wait that extra few seconds for a guard to fall to the ground. (And being able to non-lethally choke out an enemy after being spotted and engaging in combat is a time saver.) Hope the rest of the game is just as good as the first, though I know it’s unlikely. Either way, I feel like I’ll enjoy the experience. (I will however say that The Outsiders voice actor change threw me off. It isn’t bad, but… It’s just distractedly different. On another note, I hate that I’m so attracted to this version of The Outsider. The graphics and his slightly updated design really work for me. Emily too, though I remember seeing the first trailer and flipping out over her perfection so she isn’t surprising. Emily is a hottie with a great VA, and it’s incredibly satisfying and fun to see the world through her eyes; I hope there’s lots of Corvo and Emily moments later in the game.)

Anyway, that was long, and this is where I leave off. It’s been a…time (what descriptor would even be appropriate for the year 2016, or the start of 2017?), and though I’m not as up-to-date with everyone as I would like to be, I wish ya’ll the best. Sorry for being so out of touch, it’s just tricky finding time for tumblr and such (I miss fandomsecrets like crazy); I’ve been choosing to spend what time I have on Dishonored, Pentatonix and news, and although I’m missing things elsewhere, I haven’t found a better way to manage my time yet.

Hopefully this year will surprise us and will be better than last, though considering everything that’s happened so far (Trump hasn’t even been president a week and everything is already going to shit) I’m not holding my breath.