#next week the freaks will be out (holidays are over) and less obnoxious

[clearallcathy]

im eating an orange because its really hot and scary and its kind of making me feel like a boiled egg later when i take a shower and some dissociatives im gonna poststuff and maybe reply to messages. its not as many Things as my brain thinks it is im just annoyed from Other tasks

[drawlfoy]

Wonders of Ohio P.9

masterlist

requests are closed, but please read this first :)

if you want to be tagged, send an ask or message me!

pairing: draco x reader

request: nope, my original shameless self insert idea lmao

summary: american high school senior y/n y/l/n is in for the ride of her life when their exchange student is...a bit strange (but very hot). NOT a nonmagic AU, though you already knew that if you’ve read part 8 ;)

warnings: swearing, mentions of a break in, concerns about a home intruder, objectively the most fluffy scene we’ve gotten so far in this series (hehe), draco being fucking obnoxious and moody (did i mention swearing?)

a/n: ayoooooo so here’s part 9, as promised. i’ve started getting back into the hp universe more and more, so i should probably be picking up my writing soon. i’ve been feeling more myself again!! which is super awesome. i don’t think many people read this series anymore (or my author notes in general but i don’t blame yall) but i’m having a lot of fun writing it, so i’m going to keep going :)

music recs: 

puppy princess -- hot freaks

loverboy -- A-wall

linger -- the cranberries

tags tags tags: @gruffle1 @missmulti @cleopatera @hahaboop @accio-rogers @geeksareunique @eltanin-malfoy @war-sword @cams-lynn @itsivyberry @ayo-cowbelly @nerd-domland @yesnerdsblog @shizarianathania @evanstanfanatic @strawberriesonsummer @hariosborn @night-ving @straightzoinked @imintoodeeptostop @naiomimoonshard @jejegu @ophelia-enthusiast @alwaysbeanunknownfan @nearly-memories @litty-dumb @callieclearwater @malfoy-wife15 @charlenasaxen @belladaises @fiantomartell @writeandtranslate @erisdogwood @loveissupernatural @sycathorn-slush @big-galaxy-chaos

word count: 3.8k :)

Y/N couldn’t help but wonder if Draco deliberately waited until the last minute to tell her family that he was leaving so he could evade her questioning. She tried to talk to him later that evening by knocking on his door, but she was met with complete silence. 

Draco was ignoring her, and she didn’t get why. She’d promised to not tell anyone--even begged for him to trust her and essentially swore on her life--but he still wasn’t acting normal. Perhaps he didn’t want her to badger him with questions about the magical world. 

Or maybe this was an excuse to get away from her.

Y/N swallowed the second possibility and locked it away somewhere out of sight. He’d left without a single word more to her (not even a congratulations for getting into a top 20 school, that loser) and never even bothered telling her when he’d return. And maybe that was the nicest part of it--she could pretend like he was never coming back.

As attractive as that option was, she had to admit that there was a Draco-shaped hole in her passenger car seat every time she drove to school. And in the kitchen when she was studying. And everywhere else he’d once touched. 

“Why do you think he went back?” 

Y/N took a break from reviewing her Art History final exam notes to look up at Lizzy. “Maybe something happened with his dad or he wanted to spend his holidays with his family? It’s probably not that serious.”

“Speaking of his dad, I tried to look up his name and see if anything came up,” Lizzy began. Y/N felt her heart jump into her throat. “Don’t you think it’s kinda sus? I haven’t found anything for him. It’s like he’s been completely wiped off the face of the earth. Do you know anything about it?”

“Honestly, I don’t think it’s any of my business.” Draco’s franticness when she found out lingered in the back of her mind as she chose her words carefully. “I’m sure if he’s a genuine political target, they’ve just scrubbed the web clean of him, being a minor and all.”

“But don’t you think it’s funny that he’s apparently so important but there’s no evidence of him or his father ever existing?”

“Lizzy.” Her voice was firm. “It’s entirely possible that his real name is different. And either way, it’s not our story to uncover. He’s entitled to his own privacy, and if he doesn’t reveal his true identity then we need to respect that.”

“Oooookaaayyyyy, Mother,” said Lizzy. “You’re so fun. You know that, right?”

“It’s my job.”

After the close brush with Lizzy, Y/N avoided the topic of Draco with her friends like wildfire. At the back of her mind, she registered that that was probably more suspicious, but when Sylvia asked her about him during lunch, she finally spun up a story.

“I told him I liked him,” she told everyone, the words stinging her throat. “He doesn’t feel the same way. I just would feel better if we dropped it.”

Her friends reacted immediately with sympathy, telling her that it wasn’t her fault that he couldn’t see her for what she was worth. Somehow, this made her feel worse. She didn’t even need to tell him her feelings to know his thoughts--he didn’t see her as anything but a “muggle”, or whatever he called them. She never stood a chance.

Y/N spent an embarrassing amount of time wondering how things would’ve been different if she was a witch. She didn’t know anything about his world (apart from the fact that they really had a stick up their asses about people knowing of them) but she somehow craved a place in it. Would Draco feel differently towards her if she was magic? 

It was probably better if she didn’t pay too much mind to it, but she couldn’t let the thought go. Every time she shut her eyes at night, the memory of waking up next to Draco replayed in her head, over and over. She would’ve sold her soul to have gone back to that. Would things have been different if she had just...not found the letters? She was driving herself crazy digging through all her interactions with him. There’s no way she was imagining things, and judging by the surprised reactions of her friends when she told them he didn’t reciprocate feelings, she wasn’t the only one who thought something was there. If he was really so disgusted by her and her people, he wouldn’t have let her sleep in his room, in his bed no less. 

As December wore on, her mind began to be occupied by another feverish stream of thoughts. If she didn’t already feel like she was going crazy over the Draco problem, she was going completely insane over the fact that she was misplacing things like crazy and forgetting the most basic of things. It seemed like it was almost every day that she was forgetting where she put her keys (even though she could’ve sworn she’d hung them up by the door) or getting home to find the door already unlocked even though she was sure that she’d locked it behind her. It would’ve creeped her out, but she was really off kilter. It just wasn’t right having Draco away, and the sense of dread she got every time she went by her room just threw her off balance. What if she still had lingering sickness from whatever magical infliction she suffered? 

He really should’ve stuck around to watch after me. Just in case. 

Another thing was bothering her--a name she saw pop up in the pouch from when she went through his letters. It was a small portion of his collection, and she didn’t even think to examine it until after he took them back from her, but she noticed that the name “Pansy Parkinson” came up more than once as a return address. 

Her mind immediately jumped to the worst--Draco was madly in love with another girl, a magical girl, and traveled back home with the express purpose of declaring his neverending devotion for her and complaining about that rat Ohioan muggle that he had to spend his days with. 

Y/N knew it wasn’t healthy, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t quite shake it. The fact that he’d no doubt grown up around girls that would be suitable for him to date was making her physically ill with jealousy, which was probably the most embarrassing part of her feelings for him. Nevermind how much time she spent fantasizing about how soft his hair felt or how his stupidly pretty fingers would feel grazing her skin--she couldn’t even cope with the idea of him existing with other women that were honestly a better choice to him. 

That Christmas was surprisingly bleak. Being an only child always made for a quiet house during the holidays, but the expectation she held of having Draco there set her up for disappointment. Her house felt empty.

“Do you think he’s coming back?” Y/N asked her mother as they did the morning dishes together. 

“Well, I assume so. Why wouldn’t he? He was scheduled to spend the entire year with us. I think that if he’s changed his mind we would at least know by now.”

“What if he’s still deciding?”

“Why, miss him already?” Mrs. Y/L/N’s tone was teasing, but she felt her cheeks grow hot. 

“Quite the contrary. I’m just wondering if I’m about to become the pampered only child again or if I’m going to need to go back into the unglamorous life of sharing the spotlight.”

“Y/N,” her mother tutted. She’d stopped doing the dishes.

Y/N made a point to evade her knowing look. “Mom.” 

Her mother took a breath before answering. “Nothing. As a matter of fact, I did get a letter from him a few days ago. He’s scheduled to return the second week of January, right before school goes back.”

“Oh,” said Y/N. No matter how hard she tried, there’s no way her relief wasn’t visible.

“How’s that for your Christmas gift, hm?” 

“Mom!”

“Hey! Hey, it was a joke,” Mrs. Y/L/N said, throwing her hands up in a “no can do” sort of gesture. “I know that you’re good friends with him is all. Unless…”

“Mom!” Her cheeks were all shades of red.

“All I’m saying is that he seems to enjoy your company.”

“Stockholm syndrome, I’m telling you.” Her explanation of what that meant was on the tip of her tongue before she stopped herself. There was no reason to--the only person who would need that explained to them was no longer on the same continent as her. 

“Whatever you’d like to think.”

~ 

The snowstorm hit them without warning, two days after Christmas. Her parents had left for the night to attend a charity auction, but unfortunately for Y/N, by the time that they realized that their daughter would be snowed in, the roads were too dangerous to drive on. Y/N begrudgingly agreed to do all of the things they told her to--get the generator ready, make sure the fireplace was prepared, and locate all the candles in the house. 

On any normal day, she wouldn’t have been concerned in the slightest, but she’d felt uneasy in her house ever since the night of the break-in, and now that this was the first night she’d have to spend alone, her heart was pounding at the thought of having to sleep in an empty house. Especially if the power was out. Especially when whoever broke in was still on the loose. 

She locked up at dusk, making sure that every entry to her home was completely sealed shut. The generator was in the basement, all set up in the case that the lights went out. She’d located all the bottled water in her house in case the pipes froze, and she finally retired to her room to relax. 

The sense of dread that hovered around Draco’s room was gone, thankfully. The overall feeling of creepiness was just beginning to lose its jarring sting, but she’d never quite been able to shake how many things she misplaced in the beginning of the month. 

She busied herself with mundane activities--she cleaned out her closet, organized her drawers, read, changed her sheets, and finished the last of her homework--but nothing could distract her from the gnawing inside of her. The hairs on the back of her neck constantly stood up, even when she was tucked away in the corner of her room, nestled into her blankets. The tingling was akin to what she felt when she walked into that antique shop on homecoming night--the same night when Draco helped her off her feet and narrowly kept her from throwing up all over Heather.

Looking back on it, she realized that when he grabbed her wrist, he must’ve done something to quell her nausea, something magical. There was no way her carsickness could’ve been able to disappear so quickly. 

Her soliloquy was interrupted by what sounded like footsteps outside. Before she could assess the situation and decide what she was going to do, a boom sounded off in the distance and she was all of a sudden bathed in darkness.

Y/N froze.

Someone was most definitely outside her house, but thankfully she’d locked all the doors. And, thankfully, the boom told her that her fuse box hadn’t been messed with. A tree had probably just fallen on a transformer. 

But those small comforts still didn’t change the fact that she was no longer alone--and not only that, but no longer alone without power. 

Her thoughts were interrupted once again by banging on her front door. Y/N jumped, just barely managing to clap her hand over her mouth to muffle her shriek. She’d seen enough horror movies to know that alerting someone that you were home wasn’t the smartest move. She’d have to be strategic. 

Heart pounding out of her chest, she crept out of her room and down the stairs. The power outage was quite lucky, she realized, as whoever was outside couldn’t see in. The moon only cast a slight light as it reflected off of the snow, so she was going to be able to see the person outside before they would see her.

She squinted from her perch by the base of the staircase. She could make out a silhouette, a tall and lanky one. The weak moonlight reflected off a very light head of hair, and Y/N was struck with a feeling of familiarity.

No way...

Y/N stood frozen for a few seconds as she heard the person knock on the door again. A muffled version of a familiar British voice said, “Is anyone there?”

Throwing all caution to the wind and praying to any higher power that was listening to her that her suspicion was correct, she pushed down on the doorknob and swung it open.

Her heart stopped. 

“Draco? What are you--”

Before she could get another word out of her mouth, she was pulled into the tightest (and snowiest) hug of her life. One of his arms wrapped solidly around her waist, the other reaching further up to her shoulders to hold her closer. He was tall enough in comparison that he could rest his chin on the top of her head while she cautiously clasped her hands around him, breathing in the same soft pine scent that she knew so well.

When he finally let go of her, she noticed that his face was decidedly less pale than what it had been when she first opened the door. At a loss for words, Y/N just made her way behind him and shut the door to keep the storm from blowing any more snowflakes in. She noted that Draco was shaking.

“You’re okay,” he said, his voice low and quiet.

She grinned. “Yeah. Believe it or not, I’m not that scared of the dark.”

He didn’t look nearly as amused, wringing his hands out in front of him instead of meeting her eyes.

“You’re going to freeze to death if you’re gonna just stand there in soaking clothes,” she chided. “And what are you doing back half a month early? I know you must’ve missed me, but I didn’t expect you to miss me THAT much.”

He rolled his eyes, bringing Y/N the comfort that the sarcastic asshole was still in there. “We need to talk.”

“No, what you need to do is get changed into dry clothes,” she said. “Not sure if you’ve noticed, but until we get our generator working, there’s no heat...and I’m not sure if the Ministry is going to like it if I let you die on my watch.”

Even though he didn’t normally laugh at her jokes, he seemed especially solemn when she said this. It became very clear to her then that he regretted his brief display of affection.

“What are you doing, just standing here? Shoo! I don’t want to see you dripping snow all over the rug.” She waved him off until he made his way up the stairs, still eerily silent. 

Once she was sure he was actually getting dressed, she made her way to the kitchen where she started heating up the water. She’d never been more thankful for the fact that they had a gas stove instead of an electric one. 

The tea was almost finished brewing by the time that Draco was back downstairs, perched awkwardly on the couch. She’d never seen his sweater before--it was in a rich forest green with a silver crest of a snake. 

“Are you going to tell me whatever is going on? I’ve never seen you like this before,” asked Y/N as she handed him the mug that she knew to be his favorite.

He took a sip and waited a bit before responding. “I found out some things while I was away.”

“Is that it? Must’ve been something pretty interesting for you to come in here and act like I’m your long lost love or whatever.” She took careful note of how his cheeks were especially pink, but it must’ve been because of the cold.

“I shouldn’t tell you everything, but I think you should probably know the gist of things,” he began. “First of all, I figured out why I couldn’t use the Obliviation cube on you. Also, you have to consent to an Unbreakable Vow.”

“A...what? Care to elaborate? Like, at least a little? Why didn’t it work on me?”

He sighed, a sharp breath of air that left his lungs in a huff. “Because you stumbled upon a very important box that can bestow the gift of magic onto anyone. And since you did something in your dream to try and open it, it permanently took root in you. I tried to reverse it, but there’s always going to be an imprint of magic on you.”

“Sick. So I’m a witch now? Like you?”

“No.” His tone was sour. “No, you’re not. For that to work, there needs to be a ritual actually completed by someone magical. That’s why you got so sick--because you would’ve needed me to help you through your dream sequence and open up the box. So, now that you’ve essentially pushed yourself into the magical world uninvited, I can’t use anything on you that’s catered towards Muggles.”

“Rats,” said Y/N. “That’s no fun. What about the whole part about my safety? And what’s that vow thing?”

“Apparently someone really, really wants that box,” Draco told her. “It doesn’t just give muggles the gift of magic--it can also give current wizards powers that are otherwise completely unavailable to the rest of the population. In the wrong hands, they could wreak havoc on the world. And I’m almost positive they think you have it.”

“Oh…” Everything started falling into place. “So, the break in? That probably was them right? And, uh, let’s say if you feel like maybe someone has been in your house while you’ve been gone? Like, that’s something I should be worried about, right?” 

“Is that happening to you?” His face looked significantly more pale.

Y/N was tempted to tell him no--just to ease his nerves--but something in his look told her that she needed to be truthful. “Um, kind of. You know how I can be forgetful, though. It’s just little things, like sometimes I come home to find that the front door is unlocked when I’m sure I locked it, or I can’t find little things like my car keys and my phone, but it’s all easily explained.”

“I never should’ve left,” he said, tucked his knees up to his chest. “I should’ve known that that was Merlin’s Box.” He swallowed, meeting her eyes with a gaze that looked so forlorn that her heart ached. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey, all we have to do is tell them I don’t have the box, right? And then they’ll leave me alone.” 

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I assume so, but if they didn’t find the box when they originally ransacked your room and they’re still hanging around, I don’t know what to do. That’s why I can’t obliviate you, the proper way that we use on wizards, because I can’t always be there to save you. Once I’m gone, you’re going to have to manage on your own.”

“Please, Draco,” said Y/N. “People will always talk a big game, but once I pull out my pepper spray it’s over. I can take care of myself! I didn’t need protection while you’re away.”

He smiled then, a small one that seemed more sad than anything. “You sound like me. When I was younger.”

“You probably don’t even know what pepper spray is. What’s that vow thing?”

“You have to promise that you won’t say anything that would reveal what you know about me and my world,” said Draco. “I need to find a wizard to say the incantations, but it shouldn’t be too hard. I ended up telling the Ministry what happened--I’m not going to get sent away as they have a clear record of me at least attempting to wipe your memory and they agree that you need to be able to protect yourself. Unbreakable Vows are just really intense promises. If you break it, you die.”

“Is that your way of saying you don’t really trust my word?”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s required by the Ministry. If you don’t comply, then you’re going to be completely obliviated and then you can have as much fun as you’d like trying to run from whoever that criminal is without even knowing why they’re after you. Oh, and without me.” 

“Then why are you even offering the vow? Don’t you want to go home?”

Draco took a long drink from his mug. “I still have a sentence to carry out. If I go back home, I’ll get sent to the same prison that my father is being held at right now.”

“A...sentence?” Y/N stared at him. “I know you mentioned a punishment, but a sentence?”

He remained silent and refused to meet her eyes.

“Draco, what exactly did you have to do?”

“It’s none of your business,” he snapped. The sudden switch of tone made Y/N start, but he was unwavering in his scowl. “I’d prefer to not think about it.”

“But...Draco…” Y/N cast her gaze to the ground so she didn’t have to see the no doubt furious look in his eyes when she continued to push. “How bad? Do you think that maybe whoever is after me might know that I don’t have the box anymore? And that they might be trying to seek revenge against you for whatever it was that you did instead?”

He didn’t respond.

“Think about it. That would explain why I was untouched this whole time that you were away when they were still keeping tabs on me.”

With a pronounced bonk, he set his mug down on the coffee table. “I’m going to bed.”

She managed to get one more look at his face before he spun around to head up the stairs and was shocked to see what was etched into his face--anger, yes, frustration...and also shame. Unmistakable shame.

final a/n: weeoooooooo i’m like 3 minutes early...this is a monumental moment for my blog. let me know what you guys think (if there’s still people sticking with this series fjkds;al). i am going to go back into my hole and work on some math hw (wonders of ohio y/n vibes...i have low key become her trying to roleplay as a stem girl). the plot is going to thicken and hopefully there will be more fluff soon. i honestly didn’t want to add the hug bc i do want this to be slow burn but it has come to my attention that this is now about 30k words long and i haven’t given y’all so much as an inkling that draco has feelings/anything will happen between them so i gotta give you something to hold you over fjdska;

[rawmeanderson]

bring you back to me ― part I

ft. jeff skinner plot: when your high school sweetheart gets traded to the same city where you now live and work, your best friend just can’t mind her own business ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ((i’m gonna make a gif for this tomorrow but it is late and i promised this to you guys tonight)) warnings. swearing; mentions of intoxication, drinking, and anxiety. word count: 5.8k i wrote 2k words today and whew i’m beat, but this is the first part of a longggg new series that i’m v excited for, so i hope you enjoy it!!!!

When your phone buzzes the first time, you ignore it. It vibrates against the heavy wood of the conference room table, your hand twitching slightly with the muscle reflex of reaching for it. Your eyes stay focused on your boss’s boss that was leading the meeting, trying to sit up a little straighter as if that would prove that you were paying attention.

Less than two minutes later, it buzzes twice in rapid succession, and you reach for it quickly as heat rises up your neck. Your boss is giving you a look from across the table, and you offered an apologetic smile before trying to refocus. When your phone buzzes again, it’s resting against your thigh, and keeping your eyes up, you flipped it screen side up before looking down so you could figure out what the hell was going on and why it was so important.

4 minutes ago ― Lydia: i know you’re in that meeting with Barry, but this is way more important 2 minutes ago ― Lydia: LINK: Sabres acquire Jeff Skinner in trade with Hurricanes 2 minutes ago ― Lydia: your boyfriend’s moving to Buffalo!!!! 1 minute ago ― Lydia: are you dead? Do i need call 911?

Your eyes are wide as you stare down at your phone in your lap, and color floods your face when you glance up again to notice your boss watching you from across the table. Clearing your throat quietly, you do everything you can to pay attention to what’s being said and ignore the buzzing in your mind.

Thankfully, the meeting ends fifteen minutes later, and you’re on your feet almost instantly. You try to rush to the door, but your boss catches you first, asking if everything was okay. Laughing it off, you assure her that everything’s fine, that it was just your brother being obnoxious, but you can tell she doesn’t buy it.

Leaving the conference room, you make a beeline back to your cubicle. It was like Lydia heard you coming, popping up from her chair as you passed with a wide grin.

“Did you look at your phone?” she questions, her tone teasing. You’re sure that from your expression, she’d been able to gather that you’d seen her messages, and she smirks at you.

“Hmm?” you hum, trying to feign disinterest and nonchalance. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” That makes her snort as she watches you settle into your desk chair and turn so your back is to her.

Hearing her footsteps, you know she’s coming over to bother you more as you do everything you can to stop yourself from thinking about the news that had been dropped into your lap. Lydia helps herself to the empty chair that belonged to a vacationing coworker and slides over toward you. You don’t even have to look at her to know that she’s grinning ear to ear.

“So, are you freaking out right now?” she asks, moving close enough that she can nudge you with her elbow.

“Yeah, just because you won’t leave me alone,” you respond, glancing at her. You’re trying your best to look irritated, but with the way she’s grinning at you, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, you can’t help but crack a smile.

“What are you thinking?” she questions, hand coming up to tuck her hair behind her ear as you try to make yourself look busy by replying to a couple of emails you’d forgotten about.

“Uhh, that you’re annoying as shit,” you murmur, eyes darting to the side in time to see her act just so offended by your words.

“You know, I’m just out here trying to reunite you with the love of your life, and this is how you treat me?” Lydia had always had a flair for the dramatics, over exaggerating every chance she got. Her hand was on her chest, like she was truly, deeply upset by your words, but the mischievous grin on her face gave her away.

“Jeff Skinner is not the love of my life,” you tell her with a loud scoff, despite the way heat is rising up the back of your neck. Lydia looks skeptical of your statement and you refocus your attention on your computer screen.

“Okay, fine then, I’m trying to reunite you with your high school boyfriend that you still get all blushy over anytime he’s mentioned, is that better?”

“No, it’s not,” you tell her, the words grumbled as you clench your jaw. The two of you sit in silence for a moment, waiting for one of you to break and say something. You cave first, knowing that she’s watching you for any sign of weakness you might show about Jeff. “Don’t you have some work to do?”

“Nope, none whatsoever,” she says with a nonchalant shrug, leaning back in the borrowed chair.

You respond with silence, clicking between two tabs in your browser, trying to look busy. Your mind was spinning and you wished Lydia would get off your back so you could process all of this on your own first, without such a dramatic audience such as her.

When you’d taken the opportunity to transfer to Buffalo from New York City a couple years ago, mostly so you could be closer to family, Lydia was the first friend you’d made. You worked in an office of mostly older people, so to find someone your age that you immediately got along with was a blessing. She was from Buffalo, an avid Sabres fan, and knew all of the best bars and taco shops around the city. Lydia had a tendency to drive you absolutely mad, but if nothing else, kept life interesting. In the early stages of your friendship, wine drunk on her couch, you’d let slip that your first kiss had been with a future NHL player, to which then Lydia demanded the whole story.

You’d practically grown up with Jeff. He’d played with your brother and your parents were friends, ensuring that you were both present through each other’s awkward phases. You were a year younger than Jeff and your brother, but that didn’t stop you from running around with them every chance you got. Jeff was 17, you were 16, when you kissed for the first time at a holiday party.

It’d been awkward, quick, but in the months that followed the two of you got better at it. When you started dating, it came as no real surprise to either of your families. It was short lived though. You and Jeff broke up on his 18th birthday, a couple of weeks before the draft, both of you knowing that the priorities in each of your lives were about to change. You had university to work toward, while his life was about to change completely, it was just the smart thing to do.

To say that you’d avoided Jeff as much as you could after that was putting it simply. The following Christmas, with you halfway through your last year of school, you made every excuse you could not to be at the usual get together your family had with his. It was easier that way. Your feelings for Jeff had felt so real at the time, you were young and crazy about him, and you didn’t know how much of that would linger as time went on. You’d been all but certain that he’d surely found plenty of girls in Raleigh that would’ve made him forget all about you.

The next couple of years continued the same way. You moved to New York for university and life went on. The only time you’d seen Jeff in all of the years that passed was over Christmas break of your sophomore year of college. A friend from high school was having a party, and you’d been roped into going, and the idea of Jeff being there hadn’t even crossed your mind.

When you saw him, you’d almost dropped your drink. You were already tipsy, and now seeing him, older and bigger was enough to almost have you running out the back door of the house. Instead though, you had another drink. You didn’t let yourself go overboard, just enough to have a buzz and quiet the anxious screaming in the back of your mind.

At one point, you made eye contact with him from across the room, and you smiled, feeling a shiver run down your body as you tried to figure out what the hell to say to him. He was a little drunk too, that much was obvious from the rosiness in his cheeks, the easy smile on his face. When he started to make his way toward you, you panicked a little, but talking to him was as easy as ever. Jeff hugged you and the reality that you’d missed him like crazy hit you hard.

The two of you kind of settled to your own little world for the rest of the night. You found a spot to sit and catch up, and once he’d sobered up, Jeff asked if you were hungry, admitting that he’d been craving a burger from the 24 hour diner in town. You guys had been there together so many times that his words made you smile and nod eagerly. Over burgers and milkshakes, you talked, joked, and remembered why you’d been so crazy about him.

He took you home, and parked in front of your parents’ house, it was so reminiscent of when you’d been together in high school that it actually made your heart hurt. Neither of you were in much of a rush to leave the other, so your conversation continued a while longer. It was nearly 2 AM when you couldn’t stop yawning, and when you leaned over to hug him and he kissed your cheek muscle memory stirred and you turned your head enough to kiss him.

You both seemed surprised but neither of you pulled away, just relaxing into each other easily. He was a better kisser then than he had been at 17, which came as no surprise, and you hoped he’d have the same thing to say about you. His fingers pushed your hair out of your face gently and you knew then that it’d be so easy to get lost in him. You made out in the front seat of his car for a few moments before you pulled back, yawning again and saying that if you didn’t head inside, you’d fall asleep on him.

Saying goodbye was a little rushed on your part, not wanting to linger and make it harder on yourself. He asked if he could call you the next day, and you’d nodded, not bothering to tell him that you’d gotten a new number at the start of college. A clean break was easier, that’s what you kept telling yourself.

That was all ancient history now though, but that certainly didn’t stop Lydia from teasing you about Jeff every chance she got. She’d all but begged you to go to the Canes/Sabres game last year, and instead, you’d offered to work overtime. Now though, Jeff would be living and playing in the same city as you and that alone had your heart racing like mad.

“So, are you going to call him?” Lydia asks, dragging you out of your own head. You’d been staring blankly at your computer scene, and you glance at her a second later. “Wait, does he even know you live in Buffalo?” Your response is to shrug, exhaling a heavy sigh as you push your hair out of your face.

“Lydia, can we just give it a rest for today? You know I love you, but this will be a lot easier for me to process without you being up my ass,” you say, pinching the bridge of your nose as you try to ward off the headache you can feel building behind your eyes.

The cubicle is quiet for a moment before Lydia clears her throat, and from the corner of your eye you see her straighten up. “Yeah, no problem,” she tells you, and when you meet her eye she smiles. As dramatic as she could be, you’re grateful that she knows when to quit. “Let me know if you need anything, okay? Like maybe one of those double margaritas from Los Gauchos? I don’t have dinner plans.”

The suggestion makes you snort softly and you nod a second later. “Uh, yeah, that sounds really good, actually,” you admit, your mind already drifting to their al pastor tacos. Lydia shoots you a thumbs up and a wink before turning to head back to her own work area.

The margarita certainly helped, so did the tacos. Making it even better, Lydia paid for your food. The drinking was a godsend after you’d spent the rest of the work day thinking about the news that had been dropped into your laugh. Even at dinner, it was still on your mind despite Lydia’s best efforts of distracting you. She asked if you wanted to come over to watch a movie, an offer you politely declined as she gave you an apologetic smile, knowing you were still thinking about the news that had broken earlier.

When you got home, you put on an episode of The Good Place in an effort to cheer yourself up, but in the end, it barely held your focus. You wish you knew why you were feeling like this, so you could stop it, but instead, the anxiety festered in your chest as you stared at the ceiling of your bedroom a few hours later.

You’d dated plenty since Jeff, you’d even lived with someone for nearly a year, but none of those relationships had felt as natural. Trying your best to rationalize those feelings, you’d told yourself that he’d been your first love, that you were likely embellishing the way you’d felt about him. It’d been so long ago now that you wondered if you’d still feel that way. After you’d last seen him, you’d barely been able to get out of bed the next day, both missing him and feeling guilty for the fact that he probably tried to reach you, only to find that you’d changed your number.

Giving up on trying to put this all out of your mind, you turn over onto your side, and try to think of what you’d even begin to say to Jeff if you somehow ran into him in the city. What were you even supposed to say to your high school sweetheart that you’d practically ghosted several years ago? Should you play dumb if it happened, say that you had no idea he’d been traded to Buffalo?

With a groan, you press your face into your pillow in an effort to clear your head again, desperately trying to silence the voice in your head reminding you that you’d always believed that things happen for a reason.

Eight weeks passed, and Lydia didn’t even once mention Jeff. The idea of being in the same city as him seemed to have settled a bit. Even so, there’d been a couple of times where you’d been in public and did a double take if you saw someone that looked anything like him at a quick glance. Your heart leapt and your stomach flipped over each time. Other than that, you tried not to think about him.

It was a Friday night when you pulled into Lydia’s parking lot, stepping out of your car after grabbing your bag and the 6-pack of hard cider you’d picked up on the way over. You were already in leggings and an old shirt from college, a cozy cardigan over your shoulders. Lydia had suggested you get together that night for dinner and movies, and you didn’t doubt you’d end up crashing on her couch rather than driving home. After taking the stairs up to the second floor of the building, you knock lightly on her door before letting yourself in.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Lydia says with a grin, stepping out of the kitchen. Dinner smells amazing already and your stomach growls, remembering that she was making stir fry.

“Hi! Holy shit, it smells so good in here,” you tell her with a laugh as you kick your shoes off.

Your words make her snort and she grins. “It’ll be done in about fifteen minutes or so, you can go hang out in the living room if you want!”  

Nodding, you head toward the living room to make yourself at home. You immediately drop into the corner of the sofa, leaning back as you fish in your bag for your phone. The TV is on, but you haven’t even glanced at it. Lydia’s cat comes sauntering down the hall before jumping up on the arm of the sofa to greet you. It’s not until your scratching below her chin that you look at the TV, immediately tensing when you realize that it’s coverage of the pre-season Sabres game.

Before you can even start looking around for the remote, Jeff is on the screen and butterflies flutter throughout your body. Biting your bottom lip, you find yourself staring at him as he’s interviewed ahead of the game. He looks good, happy. The Sabres colors suit him far better in your opinion and hearing his voice again made goosebumps rise along your skin. You’re not even paying attention to what he’s saying, instead getting lost in the sound of his voice. When you got a quick glimpse of his dimple as he grinned, you felt your heart skip a beat.

“Y/N!” The sound of Lydia’s voice makes you jump, head turning quickly to look at the her, standing just outside the kitchen.

“Sorry, what?” you question with a nervous laugh. Your cheeks are burning, and you watch as her eyes drift to the TV and she realizes why you’d been so entranced.

You know from her expression that she’s trying to hide a smirk, and she clears her throat before speaking. “I didn’t realize I’d left that on,” she says, and based on her tone, you’re not sure that you fully believe her statement. “I’ve been saying your name for like, a whole minute, but uh, I was asking if you wanted me to put your drinks in the fridge.”

“Oh...yeah, thanks,” you respond, flashing a quick smile. Just to break eye contact with you, you look away to reach down, picking the 6-pack up to hand it to her as she cross the room to take it from you. Your cheeks are surely flushed, and by then, Lydia’s not even trying to hide her grin. She retreats without a word though, and as soon as her back is to you, your attention returns to the TV.

A pang of disappointment strikes through you when you see the coverage has gone back to the commentators. It’s probably for the better you decide, leaning back into the couch and encouraging the cat to come closer to you.

Your heart settles after a moment and thankfully it only took a few more minutes before dinner was done. When Lydia calls your name from the kitchen, you get to your feet and follow the sound of her voice. She asks you to set the table and and she’s still got that knowing grin on her face. Barely even looking at her, you grab the plates and silverware she’d set out and hurry back out to put them on the table.

The game had started, and your attention snaps to the television when you hear Jeff’s name. You hadn’t watched a game in ages, and right now was not the time you needed to get transfixed on it. Taking a seat, you sit so your back is towards the TV, otherwise you knew you’d never be able to focus on conversation over dinner if you could see the game. When Lydia comes out of the kitchen, holding the wok and placing it down onto the trivet you’d put out on the table.

Your mouth starts watering at the smell of dinner, and as you sit up a bit straighter to get a look at the food, Lydia turns off the TV. Silence fills the room for a moment and your body relaxes. As Lydia sits down, her attention is on her phone as she starts to airplay the music to a speaker, and you’re reaching for the tongs resting in the pan.

To your surprise, dinner passes without a single mention of Jeff. The food was to die for, Lydia’s cooking always was. At one point though, you’d damn near dropped your fork in the middle of eating. I Won’t Say (I’m In Love) from Hercules started, and you felt rather attacked. You couldn’t prove that she’d masterminded it since she’d been known to pepper Disney songs into playlists before, but you were pretty sure she’d queued it up just to fuck with you.

Weeks later, you were starting to wonder if she’d forgotten all about Jeff. There’d been no mention of him, but he was seldom far from your mind.

You’re trying to get a bit of work done, sending out some emails when a rolled up ball of paper hits you on the shoulder before bouncing onto your desk. Turning around, it’s no surprise to see Lydia there, grinning widely as she leans against the cubicle divider.

“Did you see the email I sent you?” she asks, tone rather hopeful. You raise an eyebrow quickly and nod.

“What, for that pub downtown? Yeah, why?”

She shrugs and gives you a smile that says she’s got something up her sleeve. “They’ve got a breakfast burger that looks really good,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows at you. The words alone make you hum, as she knows that the best way to your heart is a good breakfast burger. “I was gonna see if you wanted to head there for dinner tonight?”

You take a moment before responding, glancing at the time and trying to remember if you had plans. After a moment, you nod with a grin. “Uh, yeah, that sounds good!” you say and she shoots you a thumbs up. “Did you want to head there straight after work? I can drive.”

Lydia agrees to that plan, and you then spend a decent portion of the slow afternoon going over the restaurant’s menu, taking quite a bit of interest in their drinks. You’d been planning on spending the evening at home, doing nothing, but dinner and drinks and being out with Lydia sounded far better.

Hours later when work was done and Lydia was guiding you through downtown as you drove, you stifle a yawn as you turn onto a one-way street. You hadn’t really been down to this area much, and you’re looking around rather curiously.

“There’s a garage up here on the right, I already paid for parking,” Lydia says, eyes on her phone as she pulls up the pass.

When you pull into the garage, there’s a sign for Sabres parking and you glance at Lydia quickly. “Are we close to the arena?” you ask as you roll your window down. She shrugs hands you her phone so you can scan the parking pass.

“Yeah, I just know this garage is pretty cheap, so I just stick to what I know,” she explains as you head into the garage, looking for a spot. You don’t question it and thankfully, you find a spot with ease.

When you’re climbing out of the car, a number of people walk by in Sabres shirts, and you glance at Lydia. She’s out of the car and digging in her bag, and you’re about to ask if she’s ready to go when she tosses a bundle of fabric at you.

“Here, put this on,” she says as you catch it. You hold it up and realize quickly that it’s a Sabres shirt, your eyes moving to her. She’s grinning like a cat that ate a canary and she’s holding up a shirt for herself as well.

“What’s going on here?” you ask, brow creased. You’re still holding onto the shirt, watching your friend as she shrugs.

“We’re going to the game.” Lydia says it so simply that you damn near guffaw at her. “Oh, come on! You have been tiptoeing around this for so long now that it’s making my heart hurt, okay?”

Your jaw is tense and you look at her with as much distaste as you can muster. “You tricked me with that breakfast burger...you knew I’d take the bait, hook, line, and sinker,” you grumble, arms crossed over your chest with the shirt still in hand. Your words make Lydia grin and she shrugs slightly, not even bothering to feign innocence.

“It’s gonna be fun, okay? I’ll buy you some drinks, we’ll watch the game, then I’ll buy you a breakfast burger, how about that?” she responds, a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. She’s reeling you back in, paying her penance as she walks toward you.

“Fine,” you give in, crossing your arms over your chest. You irritation was starting to wane, but you weren’t quite ready to stop milking it just yet. With the shirt still in hand, you exhale a sigh as Lydia nudges you gently with her elbow.

“C’mon, we want a good spot for warm ups,” she says, looping her elbow through yours to start leading you toward the stairs to leave the garage.

“Warm ups?!” you question before exhaling another sigh. “You’re literally evil, you know that, right?” The sound of her laugh echoes in the stairway, making your snort along with her.

Anxiety bubbled in your stomach from there. Doors are already open when the two of you approach the arena, and you fell quiet. You let Lydia more or less guide you, considering you were in the middle of an out of body experience, and she promised to grab drinks for both of you as she pushed you toward the bathroom to change into the Sabres shirt.

When you reemerge, she’s waiting there for you, two cans of beer in hand as well as a cup of what you assume is a rum and Coke. “It’s a double,” she tells you with a wink as she hands the drinks off to you so she can use the restroom and change into her shirt as well.

Waiting for her, you lean back against the wall outside the bathroom and exhale a sigh. The last several months had just been plain weird. You’d grown up with hockey. Your dad’s family is from Boston, so you’d been raised as a Bruins fan, going to games when you’d visit relatives. Your brother had played with Jeff, and obviously, growing up near Toronto, you’d been surrounded by the Leafs.

Since college though, you hadn’t had much interest in the sport. You’d realized one night several weeks ago, as you’d stared at your bedroom ceiling, that you’d probably distanced yourself from the sport in order to put Jeff out of your mind. Admittedly though, you watched a Sabres game last week, curled up on your couch with some chocolate ice cream. You’d missed hockey, but damn, it was still weird as hell hearing Jeff’s name.

As you stood there, sipping greedily at your rum and Coke, your eyes survey the people moving around the arena ahead of warm ups. It’s still early, so not too crowded, and you see quite a few people in Skinner shirts or jerseys. The sight makes you smile, glad to know that he’s appreciated on his new team. You shift your weight from one foot to the other and try to slow the way your mind is racing.

Thankfully, Lydia comes out of the bathroom just as you’re about to launch into another existential crisis about the fact that you’re in the same building as Jeff Skinner for the first time in over half a decade. When she looks at you, the fact that your mind is reeling must be obvious because she looks a little amused, reaching for one of the beers you’re holding.

“Where are we sitting?” you ask, chewing on your bottom lip as she shoves her work blouse into her bag.

“Uhh, one of the back rows of the lower bowl. They’re good seats,” she says, taking a drink of beer as the two of you start walking. “For warm ups though, we’re going down to the ice.”

“Lydia, seriously?” you say, to which her response is to giggle softly with a shrug. She’s half a step ahead of you, otherwise your hand would’ve come out to smack her arm gently.

Time was passing so slowly. It felt like it’d been at least twenty minutes since Lydia coaxed you up to a seat at the glass, but really, it’s only five. Nervousness has set in, and now your mind is racing, wishing you’d know about the game, so you could’ve at least made yourself look better. Your hair was tied up in a bun and you hadn’t really put much effort into your appearance that day, at least not the amount of effort you’d put into seeing your ex for the first time in five years.

Lydia settles into a seat and looks at you as she sips at her beer. “Y/N, relax,” she says, voice low. You’re still standing, and you glance over your shoulder to look at her.

“Well, considering I’ve only had about fifteen minutes to process all of this and prepare to see him, I don’t think relaxing is an option right now,” you mutter before finishing off the rest of your rum and Coke. You turn to face her then, leaning back against the glass as you meet her eye.

“I mean, that’s fair,” she says with a shrug before cracking a grin. She leans forward in her seat then, glancing up at the jumbotron before her attention returns to you. “If you want to just go up to our seats, we can.” There’s a timidness then in her voice, as if she was worried that she’d pushed you too far.

You consider it for a moment, looking at the ice left in your cup as you think. When you meet her eye, you shake your head. “No, I wanna stay here,” you say as confidently as you can. Lydia looks rather impressed as she nods, and you grin then. Truthfully, you think the adrenaline of the situation is hitting you, like your fight or flight instincts were kicking in. You’re surprised that you’re choosing the fight side of that, but you were committed to it now.

“Let me know if you change your mind,” Lydia says, grinning at you then and you give an affirmative nod. You sit your empty cup down in a cup holder then turn back to the ice. Time is ticking down to warm ups, and you can feel that first drink starting to hit you.

Somehow, it feels like the last couple of minutes go by even more slowly than before, so you sip at your beer and scroll through Instagram idly. When the lights music starts and the players start coming out onto the ice, your heart leaps into your throat. You’re faintly aware of the fact that Lydia stands up, and as you’re about to take a drink of beer, you spot Jeff.

You pause with the beer can halfway to your mouth, and you know Lydia’s eyes are on you as you inhale a slow breath. His back is to you, but your stomach jumps, then flops back down just at the sight of him. Maybe drinking that double rum and coke hadn’t been a good idea. Before you’re able to mentally adjust to your surrounding, he’s glances up and you feel like you’re about to drop dead on the spot.

Jeff does an honest to god double-take, locking eyes with you the second time. A wide smile spreads across his face and he skates closer, like he’s trying to figure out if it’s really you. That smile of his was as contagious as always, even now when you’re barely standing up straight from nervousness. Grinning back at him, you finally take that drink of beer, and Lydia laughs beside you. Seeing him is just so surreal, and god, that blue really suits him. He looks so….grown up, but you’re sure you did as well.

He glances around quickly before pointing toward the bench then nodding in that direction. Clutching your beer and hoping your legs would work when you try to walk, you give him a quick thumbs up. You look at Lydia quickly to find that she’s watching on with a rather proud grin that you just want to smack off of her face, but there was time for that later.

Leaving your beer in Lydia’s care, you take off toward the tunnel, going up a row or two to meet him. Your heart is pounding as you chew on your bottom lip as soon as your eyes are on him again. It was good to see him, there was no denying that.

“Hi,” you say when you’re lose enough, not sure what else to even say then.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, grinning and looking at you the same way he had since you were teenagers.

“I, uh...I took a job in Buffalo a couple years ago,” you tell him, trying to resist the urge to fidget. You’d forgotten the way he looked at you, you weren’t used to it anymore. He nods as you speak, his smile somehow getting even wider.

He’s about to say something when someone on the ice shouts his name, and he swears quietly under his breath. “Did you have to leave right after the game?” he asks, pausing only to wait for your response. When you shake your head, he continues. “Can I give you my number? Just text me, and I’ll tell you how to get back to the locker room.”

Before he even finishes speaking, you’re fishing your phone out of your pocket as you nod. When you’re ready, he rattles off his number, and you save it into your contacts, still struggling to believe that this is all actually happening.

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” he says, meeting your eye with another smile that makes your stomach flutter.

“Yeah, I’ll see you soon,” you repeat with a quick nod. You’re smiling back at him, because how could not? He nods right back, practically beaming before heading back to the ice.

[shoobiie]

EIGHTEEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND JULIA @my-destiny-awaits

Our history. Julia and I have been friends for as long as I have been fully sentient. I even have some memories of us in Kindergarten at the end of the year party eating cupcakes together. She was the first person I ever had a play date with, and those photos are still one of my prized possessions to this day. Our history is strange int hat we’ve never not been friends. It was sixth grade when we became best friends and since then it’s been a given. I will always treasure what she has given me, both the tangible and unfathomable. In fact as I sit at my desk right now, I am next tot he perfume she gave me for Christmas freshman year, having remembered something I said about how much I like peppermint two years prior. It’s incredible that I’ve had her in my life for so long, without there ever being and conflict or doubt for me, and for someone with the overwhelming paranoia that all my friends secretly hate me, that’s saying a lot. Plus, we ate lunch together five days and week for nearly seven years in a row without driving each other crazy and that’s quite a feat by anyone’s standards. 

Her smile. Julia has one of those smiles which by all of my credentials is absolutely perfect. this makes me a tad jealous since she never had to endure braces and that’s just not fair. Her smile is radiant and comforting. Seeing her smile makes my heart swell, heck, I would put it on my list of’ things to live for’. I don’t know what else to say, it’s a smile, and it’s the best. However, the best part for me personally is, I can tell the difference between her genuine smile and fake smile. When she does really smile it’s completely genuine, and it validates whoever is on the receiving end. But her fake smile, which I almost prefer just because it’s so utterly Julia, is the most bitterly false expression. Maybe it’s just because I’ve spent years working out the how to properly analyze all her facial expressions, and I like to laugh at people who haven’t figured it out yet, but I am delighted in seeing her strained smile at the stupidity of others. That flicker of rage behind her eyes is something I’ll never forget, because even though she’s completely in control, I pity whomever she decides to drop the polite facade with. 

Her laugh. Julia has what I call  a ‘Tinkerbell’ laugh. It’s light and it almost sounds like bells. If you can imagine in your head the exactly laugh of a Disney princess, then that’s pretty damn close.  It’s just so cute and fluttery, but not the obnoxious trying too hard ot be femine kind of laugh. It, like all of Julia, is beautiful without really trying. I miss hearing her laugh in person, because it’s a sound that makes me feel like there could never possibly be anything wrong. When Julia laughs, everything else seems blissfully insignificant. 

Her hair. I know it’s not good to dwell on physical traits, because it’s who the prosper is that matters but if you have ever seen Julia's hair you will know exactly why I’ve brought it up. It’s a signature part of her look, because it’s looks like sunlight itself. It is sleek and shiny, nearly anime looking. I’ve seen her go through all different styles for it, and everything looks good. I also like it because if I ever am talking about her and someone doesn’t’ know who she is by name, I can just say ‘She has long pretty blonde hair’ and they’ll know who I am talking about immediately. 

Her fashion sense. Honestly, seeing Julia in sundresses is a lot like seeing the face of God. I would personally fund a closet for her filled with sundresses reminiscent of Chuck form Pushing Daisies. Julia is just so cute and classy, and when she wear floral print dresses and sandal wedges I die a little. One of my favorite stories to recall is one day, junior years, I think it was, Julia comes to lunch in a pink floral dress and I notice she has bruises on her shoulder. Concerned, I ask what happened, and sh just smiles and shrugs, “The kickback from my gun, I went to the shooting range this weekend.” and I high key fell in love. She has a sharp sense of irony, and the conflicting femininity and lethalness of her is one of the reasons I love how she dresses. 

Her patience. I’ll be the first to admit: being my friend is kind of exhausting. Julia’s been doing it for eight years and if that’s not a testament to true patience I don’t know what is. Julia is kind, through and through, and her kindness often manifests in her ability to keep her head on her shoulders. Her patience is definitely something I admire, because although she can keep her wits about her even when she’s being tested, she also has a line and if it’s crossed, well you know the saying ‘hell hath no fury.’. 

Her dependability. This year has been rough, it’s the first year that we haven’t been able to see each other at least fives times per week. Now it’s like once every two months. But even so  there has never been a moment where I doubt our friendship, she has never been anything less than my best friend and I have no uncertainties that when we see each other again it’ll be just how we left it. This is how it is with all of my friends, because I choose people  who I know will be there for me when it matters, and Julia is the epitome of that sentiment. 

Her Independence. Julia is her own person, and I’ve never once seen her conform to standards just because they seem ‘hip’ or ‘cool’. Even in middle school I have no recollection of her denying her real self just to fit in. She knows who she is at her core: she’s strong and she’s kind. She doesn’t depend on anyone entirely, but she’s not so stubborn that she won’t accepts help when she needs it. 

Her taste in...everything. Julia has impeccable taste in music, TV shows, and movies which as someone who finds common interests essential for conversation, this is really great. With my new friends and my habit of converting them to shows I’ve already watched all the way through, I can’t help but think back to the times where Julia and I experienced Gravity Falls, Pushing Daisies, and Brooklyn Nine Nine on the same timeline, discussing each update and fangirling together at each new development. 

Her grace. Julia has an air about her that is undeniable. She has the poise of princess, the ethereal beauty of mermaid, and the aura of fairy. She just seems magical, and with every strong step and  turn of the gaze, her movement seems intentional. And it’s not just grace in her physicality, but also her vernacular and tone of voice. She is a royal out of time. When I’m around her I feel I am speaking to someone who is intellectually my equal, and in all other regards my superior . Yet I am always comfortable around her. 

Her compassion. As I stated before Julia is kind. she’s the sort of unbelievably kind person that you almost distrust at first. She has always been someone that I find easy to talk to because I know she’ll view my flaws and poor decisions with compassion. She’s been a stable and calming force in my life as I’ve been through the dips of mental health issues. She’s always been there for me, offering kind words and advice, and I hope I can always be there for her. 

Her talent. Not only is Julia a natural goddess, she has worked hard to excel in many aspects of her life. A first chair flutist and brilliant musician, I have endless respect for her ability to set her mind to something diffident and see it through. In addition, her work ethic when it comes to education is extremely admirable, and even though she could easily ride by on her natural intelligence, she is willing to put the effort in, and I think that’s what separates her from most (including myself).

How much she loves dogs. This one may seem silly, but I think it’s good example to display just who she is. She’s the type of girl to call all dogs ‘puppies’ no matter their age, the squeal with excitement at the sight of a stranger walking their dog nearby, and to scold her dogs in the firm but loving way that is needed. It’s her way of viewing things with wonder and excitement that isn’t necessary but brings light into everyday life that I simply adore. 

 How easy it is to brag about her to everyone. Really, I spend an unhealthy amount of time bragging about Julia to my friends, heck, even to people who aren’t my friends yet. Actually it’s good subject for me to ramble on about in order to make friends. My new friends at college know her as ‘My Julia” because I bring her up quite frequently, talking about almost exactly what I have written here on this post. 

Our conversations. Talking to Julia is always so easy., maybe it;s because I care about literally everything she has to say or maybe because she always keep things interesting. She is a great story teller, and a great listener to. I’ve always loved the conversations where we can ponder and debate random subjects. It’s never felt forced or competitive, and I’ve always found her words very insightful. She takes on different perspectives from mine, but makes fair and valid points. 

The idea of her. As you’ve probably gathered by now, Julia on the surface appears to be a very ladylike and princess-esque person. And while that is all true, she is also a total badass feminist woman. I vole the idea of her being all floral prints and long blonde Barbie hair, but also self defense, self respect, and self dependence. She may be a princess, but she sure as hell isn’t a damsel in distress. She’s like the perfect character form a book or movie, she takes gender roles and breaks them over her knee and I freaking love it. 

The fact that she’s my friend. Seriously, how lucky am I? I get to be friend with a mermaid fairy princess that loves me nearly as much as I love her. I get he pleasure of seeing her on holidays, and hearing her talk. I value her friendship more than an material object, and just the mere thought of the undeniable fact that she is my friend is enough to make me cry just a little. I’m so so lucky. 

Everything. It’s as simple as that. I love everything about her. 

[spacepandastories]

24/12/'17

Almost 2018, so I thought I kinda need to update, so honestly I've got no idea where I'm going with this, but I've got some things I want to discuss I guess. A lot has changed, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Like, I have to go and actually teach next semester, which is kind of freaking me out right now but it'll be okay (yeah don't know whether I've mentioned it but that's what I'm studying right now heh). And I was thinking about how they like to put people in their old high school for these things, and even though it's less than two years ago that I graduated, I feel like I've changed so much. It would be so weird to be around my old teachers for four weeks because I might have changed, but they'll probably still think of me the same. That's kind of what I hate about people, you can't just change your reputation and that kind of sucks. Getting dragged away again though, let's just actually follow my points this time.

So, Cookie. Haven't seen him in a while and if I'm really honest, it does get to me. I dream about it, which I hate. But he's alright. So I either have to do something about it or let it go, but being a passive bitch, I'll probably complain about it for a while. Seriously though, I want him to be okay, and I honestly think he is with the people he surrounds himself with these days. I just don't want to bother him and turn this all negative for him. I'll stay butthurt about it though, but I guess that's who I am. And about the redhead, I've been reaching out to her every once in a while lately, because I figured, when things got ugly and I was alone the morning after the breakup and everything was depressing, she's the one who called me for over an hour. She really means well.

And if we're talking about people anyways, tigger and I are back together. But the new friend I'd made, let's call him Steiner boy because honestly that says a lot about him. He is so damned childlike. I feel like he acts the same way I did when I was fourteen. And I thought I liked it but it's so tiresome. He likes me in a way that is a little too obnoxiously obvious, but like, he doesn't even know me. And I hate it, he's so impulsive and naive. He really doesn't know what love is and there he is just throwing the world around. One of my housemates told me he now has a photo of us two as his phone wallpaper, like, sure cute and all, but dude. Just, dude. So I guess I made it a little too clear that I in fact am invested in my relationship. He hasn't texted me since. So that kind of annoys me, but hey, at least I've got my old friends, which are like, the only ones left. But we've been spending a lot more time together lately and I'm loving it. In a few days we'll have almost the entire old gang together and it feels really good. Also my friends and boyfriend get along so well, it really makes me so happy. I just wish he still had his best friend, it feels odd that we don't talk anymore. I actually honestly expected us all to be in close contact when we were all grown up, when we have jobs and families. It's weird to imagine him never being there anymore. And yes it still scares me how much everything can change. I've found that the best way not to be is to not think about it, it works. Sooo that's all about the people I guess. So onto Christmas I guess? Like, technically it's Christmas eve today, but it's 1.24 am so it doesn't count yet in my opinion. It's also not as hectic this year as to our families tigger and me haven't been back together that long, so we only have our own families Christmases. Which is chill. It does feel weird thinking about the whole hospital situation last year though, it really doesn't feel like that's already a year ago. Time scares me, too.

Overall I'm actually happy though. My room feels like a home. With the posters I've put up and the lights and the (free) chairs (we've found on the street), it actually feels like it's all mine. I have been feeling nervous though. About quite everything but yet nothing I can pinpoint. It kinda feels like I'm forgetting about something really important all the time, but that thing doesn't exist. Like there's this bossfight theme playing but no boss anywhere. That's the best I can describe it though. It gets in my way because it makes me constantly focus on things I don't want to focus on, my mind just keeps circling back at it. If you need an example, I'll just be sitting at home, and I'll start feeling nervous so I'd try to think of something to make me happy and chilled, so I'll think of something simple like dinner, what I'm gonna make, like some nice chicken curry, but I still need to do the dishes, also I need to clean the stove, because my neighbour used it the other day, he's a messy cook, but also I need to start spending less on food because I can't really afford it, I'll get another job after the exams in January, but I'm gonna have to teach around Easter, I need time to prepare for that, so after that I'll start working again? Yes, sounds like a plan, I don't wanna think about this right now though what was the nice thing? Yess the chicken tonight. Always takes some time to prepare though, and I do need to tidy up a bit, the trash needs to be taken out as well, always forget that. Actually wanted to take a shower too though, guess I won't do any homework today either. I have that big deadline on Friday though, probably won't even finish it, would I even start it? 50% is on portfolio and this is quite a big thing. Take it's 30%, that'd mean it's 6 out of 20, quite a lot, but if i get half the points and a 7 on the exam, I'm still okay. Don't think about exams now. Christmas, kinda makes me nervous, why? Dunno. Okay something else.. And that's usually the time I decide to bake something or go for a shower. I still do all those things so really there's no reason to get nervous about it. But it's kind of how I work I guess. It's the winter though, it always kind of messes with me. But it's messing with my dreams as well, and I'm not a big fan of that.

I'm really quite negative in these updates aren't I? Stupid though, because I am happy. I really am. Christmas will actually be fun, and I am really fucking proud of all the schoolwork I did, I didn't miss that deadline I was talking about, even though I was convinced I would, and hanging out with my people later this week has me excited. Everything's good. It's not often like this so I try to be as aware of it as I possibly can. Oh also, my nervousness really makes me think of Turtles All The Way Down. Great fucking book oh shit. It's really getting me into reading again, I missed that.

So I'm going to leave it there for this update. Not going to proof or anything so figure it out yourself heh.

Enjoy the holidays.

[skiasurveys]

if you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be? well he aint a celeb but an youtuber since i dont like celebrities..so maybe markiplier? if you had to have sex with one of your best friends who would it be? all of em ;) ever fallen in love with a friend?  well they all start off as friends did you end up getting together or not? nobody specif i mean my current bf and i were friends for  little while before we officalized it but it wasnt like we were just friends. ive never dated anyone where we were friends for a while then started to date.

if yes, how did you end up together? if no, why not? ^

have you ever been the other woman? No. we all have that one song that gets us pumped, what’s yours? i hate these questions cus i forget every song i know have you ever been to prom? did you have a good time? well we dont have prom in canada, well where i live but we did have a grad dance but i didnt go. But how my grad worked was we all got to dress up in nice dresses/tuxs for the dinner. so thats what i did. don’t you just hate it when someone is a boring texter? yES. usually i try to make a conversation.if they dont add i just stop texting. ever let someone use you knowing they were using you? Yep how many people have you slept with (sexually not actually sleeping)? one. how many of them were you actually in love with? one ever taken someone’s virginity? No. would you ever want to be with a virgin? if no, why not? no actually lol favorite song lyrics? i have lots but im too tired to think of em. do you constantly find yourself internet stalking your ex? no but sometimes i check their fb but like once in a blue moon. i dont care. if yes, how many times a day on average do you find yourself doing this? like i said, once in a blue moon. usually if im thinkin about them or something but last tme i checked was months ago cus i saw he got a new gf and i wanted to see what she looked like. and no not to be a dick either. so like, what’s your zodiac sign? Sagittarius 

what’s your favorite item of clothing you have & why? eh, nothing really. im bored of my clothes atm im in a desperate need to shop.. do you have anything to hide? my emotions are you friends with any of your exes? eh. not really. my one ex who always talked to me stopped texting me, thak fucking god it was so annoying.

given the chance would you take any of your exes back? No. do you have an addiction? to what? my phone do you like being taken or single more & why? taken. its just who i am i guess. i just like knowing i have someone there who i can be myself with and have a romantic relationship with.

being loud & obnoxious is fun huh? nope. do you feel like you’re sorta split personality? half & half? not really. I am just myself with people im comfortable with and then i have my professional self with work.etc lol do you act like your own gender or more like the opposite sex? wtf.. do you have more friends of the same sex or opposite? its kind of half and half.

blunts, bowls or bongs? eh. i smoked weed like 5 times soo.. favorite sexual position? idk. the one where he puts his dick in me

3 traits your dream partner would have? funny, loyal, empathetic  do you really care what people think of you? Yes when you have a fight with your partner what do you do? usually get worried that they might leave me cus im an insecure piece of shit, but we havent had a really bad fight, theres just been times where he is a dick. holiday closest to your birthday? christmas. scenario time.. you have a wedgie in public, you… fill in the blank. go to the wash room and fix who does the grocery shopping in your house? mom

are your parents still together? if no, do you wish they were? they would be if my dad didn’t die. have any siblings you know of but don’t actually know personally? no

greatest fear? losing someone i love again and suffocation something most people fear that you do not fear at all? spiders don’t you hate getting nice & comfy & then having to pee? yea  what do you think of porn & the people who watch it? i mean whatever, watch whatever but i just hate people who think that alot of the things they do in porn is normal.  (like rape play, hardcore bdsm..etc) when your friends mention you in fb statuses & tweets do you get happy? yeah how much does it really take to get you mad? not that much. would you date someone that your parents & friends didn’t approve of? depends do you have any regrets? Yes. are you always the one to apologize even if it’s not your fault? Yes ever lost friends because of a certain guy or girl? nope. ever used a legit sex toy before? nah never bought one before. ever questioned your sexuality? not really ever thought you were pregnant? one time i didnt get my period at all and it was 3 weeks late and i took 3 test and i wasnt pregnant but i was still freaking out and then i lightly spotted for a week..and then i didnt get my period til he next month, that was scary. ever faked being pregnant? who does this favorite song at the moment?  nothing ever had a major surgery performed on you? one do you actually like school lunches? the ones in high school were actuallly good. do you think you’re a boring person? no but i can be do you think you’re more or less a good person? i think  im a good person which of the 7 deadly sins are you guilty of? envy ever made a survey & then taken it yourself? yeah i did once haha do you think it’s possible to dislike all music?  some people just dont like music i guess. i think theyre crazy. what’s one thing you think everyone has in common? we all have to breathe oxygen. do you believe that there’s actually good in EVERYONE? well we all start good but it all depends during the age development.. what’s one thing that bothers you that probably wouldn’t bother most people?  need to  have tv on a even number of sound level do you believe in forever? no how many relationships have you been in? 4 including the one i am in do you ever want to get married? why or why not? I do. Because i want to lol do you believe in divorce? well i mean some people just cant stay married.

is there a song you can’t listen to without thinking of someone? Yeah. do you think a lot of the surveys on here are too alike? sometimes they all ask the same question how are you feeling right now? decent do you like being called babe, baby, hunnie, etc? I do like baby/babe but only from my boyfriend have you ever thought etc was actually ect? no do you have any sort of ongoing health problem? i dont think so

ever lost someone close to you? Yes my dad died ever been hit by a motor vehicle? actually yeah. when i was 8 i was hit by a car on my way to school lol can you play a musical instrument? I cant do you wish you did? I wish i wouldve joined band tbh

are you able to speak fluently in more than one language? No. ever self harmed in any way? Yes. do you prefer longer or shorter surveys? Medium to long. what is one word you just cannot pronounce? specific  if you could look like any celebrity who would you look like? Hmmmmmmm ever wish you were of the opposite sex? No. don’t you just love fun people? i guess. i just hate people who ALWAYS wanna do shit especially when youre tired and they almost force you to go out. is there that one person who you just CAN NOT seem to get over? no one currently so what’s your dream job? animator someone you can’t see yourself being able to live without? My boyfriend best & most favorite video game (pc or console) ever?  hmmm. depends. I really love Kingdom Hearts 2, or even Elder scrolls online but My fav game ever is The Last of Us  would you ever tattoo someone’s name on you? maybe my dads name but not really when people sing happy birthday to you do you feel awkward or happy? It’s so awkward. favorite thing about being in a relationship? having someone be there for you..and cuddles and oh sex favorite thing about being single? the freedom i guess? not having to worry about someone else, or worry about getting texts back lol ad also you can kind of go out and not worry if youre flirting idk. I hate when im talking to another guy and im afraid im leading them on, especially when im not. ever been hurt by someone you thought would never hurt you? Yes. don’t you hate it when people in relationships act single? it annoys me. Like whats the point of hiding shit? so is your hair dyed? Yep. but fading back sex is really good isn’t it? It sure is ever had a friends with benefits? no do you like trains :)? uhmmm do you think you have a pretty good singing voice? Nope. how about dancing, are you a good dancer? I am white. is intelligence a turn on for you? It’s good. i hate stupid guys lol do you like to feel powerful & in charge? No capricorns are the best aren’t they? I don’t believe in astrology. <--- same are you afraid to stand out? just a little.