#next week is all finals and theyre all like 2 hours 1 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon like bro

[noxious-fennec]

A redraw of an old thing because exam season is the only time i get creative energy ig

[thesolotomyhan]

amado carrillo fuentes as a dad would include

a/n: hehe slowly coming back because heres my soft ass dropping this long hc for you guys, im so in love with preggo/dad hcs yall im sorry pls love me-

Taglist: @fandomnerd16​ @visintaes​ @sheeshgivemeabreak​  @artemiseamoon​ @yvngfirefly​ 

let me know if you want to be tagged!​

ok so,, we’ve briefly already gone over some ideas of amado being a dad and in some sense how he would be when your pregnant-

but let’s refresh some points here and there yeah? because im SOFT at the thought of amado becoming a dad and the fucking HEART EYES DE TONTIN he would always have looking at you-

just listen- ok because the very moment amado knew about his kid’s existence growing inside of you-

this man was instantly wrapped around their little finger right then and there,, he just grew an attachment with them from then on alright

like im just imagining him always talking to your stomach every single night he possibly can,,

giving it little kisses, his other hand caressing your stomach like “8 mas meses mi amor, hasta que yo y tu mami te podemos abrazar” i

like :(( i can see him whispering to your stomach at 3 in the morning, thinking your asleep as he gently whispers to his bebe about anything and everything when he cant sleep-

and like hed just talk about if his kid is going to be a girl hes just over here saying something like “si dios quiere bendecirme, saldras igualita a tu mama, de hermosa y inteligente-” i cannot

dios mio- he just screams overprotective,, like if you thought he was protective before with you, that is nothing compared to the amount of extraness hes taking when youre pregnant,,

like hes going to be duplicating your security so much even if youre just going to the store down the block for 1 thing- youre going to be even more untouchable than the president- hes not taking any chances-

when hes with you,, my god hes just doing the MOST,

like he hates it if people look at you for more than 5 seconds because hes already snapping back at them like- “qUE CABRON, te gusto algo o que? no te traje para que te le quedes mirando a mI ESPOSA ASI-” i

he would also never let you do things on your own when hes there, it doesnt matter if youre 6 weeks pregnant or 7 months pregnant, hes not letting you move a single muscle because hes already going to be doing it for you-

doesn’t matter if all you have to do is move your arm to open the door- his ass is already opening it, holding you by the small of your back :((

but also the cravings?? dear god- I swear he gets them more than you do

because when your craving donuts or something at 2 in the morning hes over here snapping his fingers and sending his men out the moment you so as much think about it-

“órale pues, hijos de su reshingada madre, ya escucharon, traigan a mi esposa sus 3 cajas de pan” lmaoo when literally all you wanted was one but ya le sacaste las ganas a el-

just :(( he would love to eat cravings with you all the time so you dont feel bad :( its one of his favorite things to do- i cant 

and listen- the AVIONETA TOYS!!

its something that i know he would do as a dad :( like him collecting all these different toys while youre pregnant,, organizing them around his kid’s room :(

so when his kid is older they can play with them with like these matching pjs he bought :(((

just wanting his kid to be able to be interested in the things that amado likes to do- its BONDING ok dont look at me-

but also this baby mobile he got for his kid,, with like these little airplanes hanging from them,,

woW :( i cry at the thought of him playing around with it everytime he walks into the room,, just imaging the moment when he’ll be able to look down and see his angelito sleeping i :((

he just gives me so much soft vibes of wanting to try to always be apart of his kid’s life growing up,,

just never wanting to leave your side either because dear god if something were to happen to you or his kid before he ever gets to meet them-

its going to be like juarez never existed in the first place,, hes just always going to be right there next to you as much as physically possible,,, god- it only gets increases when his kid is finally born-

this mf never shuts up about you and his baby,,

like probably ranting for hours to acosta about it like, “nada, cabron, nada se siento mejor que poder por fin alzar a mi hijo/a, pinshi hermoso creatura que mi esposa me dio-“ :((

AHh,,wait can you fucking imagine you making acosta the padrino,,:( because ??

like even though he cant stand when amado doesnt shut up,, nothing beat the feeling the day he met your kid,, just happier than ever that you chose him to look over them:(((

i am laughing at the thought of acosta always walking up to amado whenever he has your kid,,

his voice going all light like “buenos dias, donde esta mi nino/a favorito?!” and just taking his kid out of his arms,, spinning them around, completely ignoring amado all together as he starts to walk away-loL probably while still talking to your kid and offering them candy :(

god- since we’re here his kid would literally want to be around amado all the time,, wanting his attention,, i just !!

imagine amado convincing you so that he can take his kid to work or something- i

the smile on his face because his kid is over here in his arms pointing at all the planes like “papi!! mira, that one looks like my stuffed airplane at home” little finger pointing excitedly- i cannot

but he would never, never mention anything about his business in front of them for your sake but also because he doesnt want to ever be the bad guy in his kids eyes alright :(

also im so sorry in advance but if he had a daughter that little girl would fucking OWN his heart- his princessa de todos los cielos :((( NO IM NOT CRYING

ayY but if he had a son, i just know he would dress him up in all black like su papi:(( a LITTLE CUERVITO version- oh my god :(

he would be such a fucking pushover dad too- like always reading them bedtime stories, giving into them no matter what,, getting them these big ass surprise presents every time he comes home from the airstrip,, just CONSINTIENDO HIS NINOS all the time-

like:( hold on just imagine on some days you coming from the kitchen after making some dessert for your ninos and amado but finding them all passed out on your bed:(((

like your daughter on top of his chest and your son curled into his side,, both of them holding their favorite stuffed toy, their little hands holding onto his shirt -I SOB

i just- i can see him also being the dad that would hold his kid above him,, carefully tossing them in the air

his laughs mixing in with their little fucking giggles as he brings them down to his face to kiss them every time :((((

i don’t know- im just so soft at the idea of him walking around the house or his work with his kid on his hip :((-

or him distracting his ninos while you cook breakfast for them- i just might about sob if i keep going

oh fuck- or every morning before he leaves to go work, he comes into their bedroom,, kissing the top of their heads,, moving their messy hair out of the way :((

probably prays a little thing- like for nothing bad to happen to you or his kids while hes gone for the day:( i

:(( no offense but i cannot handle the thought of him picking them up in their blanket in the morning,, his kid still sleeping and bringing them into your bed so youre all together when you wake up- his soft fucking smile while he tucks them into you :((((

becasue THATS HIS FAMILIA- the one hes always dreamed about having- 

wow um- but hes definitely the type of dad that would build his kids a whole ass park in the backyard for them-

like his kids wanting a swimming pool with a water slide? You bet your ass hes going to build one,, im :((

wow ok but if his son was into soccer or his daughter into ballet or something and theyre practicing at home-

i can see him being the dad that would sit there, smile on his fucking face,, praising them while they practice,, ugHH just him telling you about the improvements they made while he watched them-  i

god- please don’t get me started how he’ll always go to school plays/sports with you just so he can feel orgulloso thats his kid out there performing-

why am i crying at the thought of him having this picture of you and your kids with him wherever he goes, like his buena suerte or something- im SORRY i CANT

or him calling you every day when hes at work,, wanting to hear your voice but also hear the moment his kids scream “WE LOVE YOU DADDY!!” :(

i just- every night,, him always telling you how he would never change you and his kids for anything in the world like- “sabes, dios me bendicio de que tu fueras la mama perfecta para mis hijos-” goodbye i need to go cry

[heyitsyn]

Manager!Seijoh Part 4

a/n: I LIVE FOR THESE MANAGER SEIJOH ASKS LIKE BLS TAKE OVER MY LIFE

(i originally planned to write the other schools for the manager scenario like theyre already in my drafts with plans and partly written out but like seijoh is my TOP PRIORITY (sorry pls dont hate me) BC THEY ARE MY BOIS)

also, most of my ask box is all for a kyoken ending and kyoken fluff and aoba johsai fluff and im quaking bc this is spurring me to create more aoba johsai imagines and my love for the other schools is just like being overshadowed by our little plant babies :’)

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon request: Im the anon who mentioned the chaos about the dating and can I say I love it!!! 🙏🙏 i kinda have this hc for the boys that they fight whenever they go on bus rides, just because they want yn to sit next to them. But she usually sits next to the calmer members?? The reason the boys fight?? She may or may not have fallen asleep a few times, her head on kyo/iwa shoulder. 🥺🥺

LMAO THAT PART JUST REEKED CHAOTIC ENERGY AND SHE WOULD TOTALLY SIT NEXT TO THEM JUST TO SPITE THE OTHERS AND I LOVE THE IRONY LIKE THE MOST AGGRESSIVE LOOKING ARE THE SOFTEST AND CALMEST TOWARDS HER LIKE PLEASE KYOKEN AND IWA ARE JUST LITTLE SOFT BEANS AND DESERVE THE WORLD

(bruh im so soft for iwa and kyo like my best bois and i must write them out IMMEDIATELY bc theyre so uggghhhhhh!!!!!!!)

MY TWO MEN IN ONE GIF GOD HAS BLESSED ME-

oh dear

bus rides,,,,, yep here we go

the team is usually peaceful and civil w each other (minus iwa literally beating oiks up but thats irrelevant information)

like they dont really have fights or have any arguments bc they meet up every saturday to talk about the week and if anybody had any concerns or anything they were mad about since it was like a family meeting

but boy oh boy

when you entered this family,,, arguments and misunderstandings happened once a week

‘no! y/n-chan said she was going to go shopping with me!’

‘um, she already agreed to go to to the arcade w me’

‘wait, she told me we were going to go visit that cafe!’

yes you agreed to do those things w them but you never assigned a date

your attention was something that these boys were always wanting since they only see you during club hours and practices

their jealousy gets really ugly sometimes and the two first years actually get all smug about it 

‘hm, y/n, we still up for studying later?’

you ruffled his hair and smiled up at him

‘yep! we need to set an alarm though or else i’d end up staying after 1 in the morning again’

‘great. cant wait’

kunimi rarely shows any emotion towards his senpais but they couldnt miss the smug smirk that made oikawa grip the volleyball and mattsun holding him back

god hes such a little shite

everyone knows that the first years have a upperhand than them bc of your same grade so the upperclassmen were much more sensitive to spending time with you outside of practice

and they liked to spend that time wisely

when the time for away games come, you weren’t that worried about it

i mean,, why would you when boarding the bus is going to be so early in the morning at like 4 in the morning and theyd be sleeping the whole time so you get peace and quiet

in fact, you were looking forward!

but nope!

jesus took the wheel and said no

instead, you were watching the team members shouting and yelling at each other at the asscrack of dawn

say sike rn

the 2 coaches were actually not there yet so they werent able to help you and whip the boys to order so here you were, bleary eyed and clearly still tired, sighing and rolling your eyes at the fight

‘SHE SITS WITH ME! IM TEAM CAPTAIN! I GET DIBS!’

‘NO! YOU DROOL ON HER AND MESS UP HER CLOTHES! YOU LIKE MAKKI-SENPAI MORE, RIGHT, Y/N-CHAN?!’

now you might be asking me, ‘author-chan, why are they fighting so hard for something as simple as a bus ride?’

well, my young grasshoppers, this is not just a simple bus ride

you are infamous in the team to be a sleeper

no matter what form of transportation, bus, car, any surface, you found yourself in dream land

yall i wish i was like that

the sleep paralysis demon beside my bed says otherwise

they freak out and fight over even a simple touch of affection from you, do you really think they wouldnt fight tooth and nail to being your pillow and freely watching your adorable sleeping face?

these men are fighting as if they were fighting something serious like a world war

lmao with how intensely theyre fighting, it practically is

but there were two players who actually didnt care either way since they only wanted you to be the most comfortable and they werent exactly the most squishiest members

in fact, they were basically all muscle and probably not the most comfortable

NOPE I BELIEVE THAT IWA IS IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST COMFIEST AND BEST PILLOWS IN THE ENTIRE HAIKYUU UNIVERSE

totally not my bias talking or anything

so it was no surprise when they didnt get themselves involved

iwa was already done w them and goes in the bus because mom deserves a nap

naturally, kyo follows the leader and boards the bus after him, leaving the others to fight it out in the school parking lot

you were happy that they were too distracted that they wouldnt notice you sneaking away into the bus and you were slightly disappointed that out of all the seats, kyo had to sit in the one-seater by the front

so you immediately went over to the other person, who was iwa-san, and he was just settling in, pulling out his teal blanket

you blinked at him when he caught you stare but he gently smiled before opening the blanket

‘i was never a fan of window seats anyways’

you happily bounced over to him and you placed your bag at the overhead compartment bc seijoh is bougee and can afford everything before you climbed over him to the seat next to the window

iwaizumi tried to make you as comfortable as he can so he kept the seat divider thing yanno what im talking about? between you

but his eyes widened when you casually pulled it up and snuggled closer to him

youve done this before so he opened his right arm for you to cuddle closer but he was still surprised 

meanwhile,,,

you just closed your eyes with a smile as you pulled the blanket to your chin and practically glomped yourself to iwa

ugh im so jealous of you!!!!!!!!!!

‘hmmmm, youre so warm iwa-san. youre like,,,,, jacob from twilight’

his eyebrow quirked and he smiled, wrapping his arm around you and tightly holding you close

‘oh? the werewolf?’

he felt your head nod

‘mhm. so warm, and strong, yet so gentle and soft’

by now, both your legs were already swung over his lap and head on his chest as you sat sideways

his fingers traced circles around your middle as his other hand was fiddling with your fingers

‘didnt he like mark a little girl?’

‘iwa-san dont talk about that!’

his laugh grumbled his chest and you giggled, trying to become even closer towards his naturally warm chest and inhale his scent

lavender mixed with peppermint

it was such an odd combination from the people you knew and you were immediately drawn to it

thats why you usually wore his jacket rather than your own

he always gets confused as to where it is but you steal it and watch him look for it

you didnt hear that from me though

it didnt take a long time for you to fall asleep and by the time the 2 coaches finally arrived and yelled at the players, they were already late

‘oikawa, i thought youd handle this properly!’

oiks whimpered from the coach’s scolding but apologized then pushed everyone in

the sight in front of them made them both boil in jealousy and squeal in uwus

you, the softest and sweetest and kindest little flower human being, being cuddled up to iwaizumi, the brute and bara arms and the ultra macho strong man, who had his head on top of you

KYAAAAAAAA

even though they knew you were a heavy sleeper and iwa slept like a rock, they still quieted down and silently walked over to their seats, hissing and shushing at anyone who even made the slightest bit of noise

rustle of the bags?

SSSSHHHHHH

seat creaking as they sit down?

SSSHHHHHHHH

they only let this slide bc your sleeping face was just so cute and they didnt have the heart to wake you up

and also face the wrath of titan iwa and be thrown into the atlantic ocean like oikawa did one time

when you finally arrived at the stadium, they waited for a rough 10 minutes just to figure out how to wake you up

they didnt want to wake up iwa first and have him yell at them but they didnt want to wake you up first either

but kyo didnt understand the dilemma and instead just goes to the back where yall were at and he goes to the seat behind you so he could reach you easily and tickles your cheek

the team is just like 👁️👄👁️

your nose scrunches at this tingling sensation until it continues so you open your eyes and finds kyo just smiling down at you

oiks is literally shaking bc he could see the smallest smile on kyo’s face

‘wake up’

with his gruff voice, it sounded like he was ordering you around but you knew he couldnt help it and blinked tiredly at him, giving him a smile of your own

‘hm, hi kyo-san’

you winced at the sudden appearance of the sunlight and that made you fully wake up before flinched at the eyes of the other players

‘hello, everyone’

you said slowly and you sat up, noticing iwa still sleeping

oiks held his breath bc hes been friends w iwa since he was still a baby and he knows that its like waking up a sleeping dragon

‘wait y/n-chan-’

but you didnt listen and poked his nose

‘iwa-san? iwa-san, we’re here’

you cooed and the poking made his eyes flutter open and with his head still tilted to the side, he swore he saw an angel by the way the sunlight hit the back of your head giving you a smiling angel effect

hm, i could get used to seeing this when i wake up

you grinned and when he finally stretched, you sat up stright, waiting for iwa to get up so you could slide out

but kyo was an impatient little bean and just hoisted you out of there and towards him behind the seat

‘come on. i got your bag’

he mumbled and you nodded, letting him hold your hand

lmao wait i forgot the time this is set

this is set during the 2nd inter-high okay? okay

oiks was still complaining at kyo and iwa hogging you but you didnt listen and continued walking towards the entrance, glancing around at the other teams

as usual, oiks and iwa were walking to the front bc yanno, captain and vice-captain, while you and kyo walked at the back, mainly bc you didnt want any player to stray off like kindaichi did last time and look for him for hours

kyo gripped your hand and you turned your head to look at him to see his eyes glaring at anything

you chuckled which made him look down at you, the glare slowly disappearing

‘hm, kyo-san, you should really invest in contacts. it doesnt matter if wearing glasses makes you feel like a nerd bc you still need it to see’

he scrunched his nose when you scolded him and he was about to retort when him and the team caught the whisperings of the nearby teams

‘oh my god, seijoh and the beautiful manager’

‘how old is she? i hope shes at least a second year’

‘ngh id tap that’

IM BLEEHHHHH

‘is he her boyfriend? if so, the competition isnt that hard then’

kyo growled and was about to lunge at the yellow jacketed boy but you held him back, also worriedly looking at your boys

‘seijoh, down’

you ordered and they shrunk back, opting to just glaring heatedly at the other teams

you could still feel kyo shaking at rage to them sexualizing you but your hands squeezing him and the other hand rubbing his arm helped him control it

‘dont make a scene, kyo-san. its your first competition since your suspension, right? and you love volleyball so please keep it in. i can protect myself’

you whispered but he let go of your hand and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you close and continuing to glare at everyone as if he was asserting dominance

‘if they touch you-’

‘ill kick them between the legs, i know. you told me already’

you teased and he hummed in agreement

when they played, they were at ease bc the two coaches were there and they were also protective of you like their own so they wouldnt have to worry about someone to go after you

however,,

as they were warming up for the second game, you had to quickly fill up their water bottles bc they were already tired and dehydrated so you needed to fill them up

and they were all busy and you didnt want to bother them and you were going to be quick anyways so you just took the case of bottles and ran to the nearby water fountain

you were hurriedly filling them up and at your last bottle, you were about to cap it when you felt a presence behind you

he stood close and his arms snaked around your waist but you hurriedly tightened the lid and whacked him at the head with the heavy bottle

you continuously hit him and kicked him between the legs before hitting him again

‘DONT TOUCH ME AGAIN!’

you shouted and iwa and kyo were watching from the end of the hallway, panting from running so fast since they heard your shouts

okay a little flashback,

kyo was watching you from his perepharal vision and when he went up to spike, he took his eyes off of you for ONE DAMN SECOND and you nyoomed out of there

when he didnt see you anywhere, he wildly looked around and this caught the attention of the vice-captain

‘oi! kyotani! whats wrong?’

‘y/n. where is she?’

they took off running and the team was just like what

then they heard shouts and kyo knew it was you

his mad dog senses

hehe get it

he as about to tackle the guy but he saw you beat him with a water bottle and eventually taking another bottle and kicking him and hitting him with the two waters

the player cowered and scrambled to get away bc wow this girl was psycho

um no sir, she was protecting herself from hormonal testosterone filled children like you

‘YEA GO RUNNING! COME TO ME AGAIN AND ILL BEAT YOU UP HARDER! DISGUSTING! TRASH! GROSS! SCUM!’

maybe it was because the last time you were touched without consent was when you got bullied but you were definitely fighting harder and more aggressive at protecting yourself

you turned around and the rage from your eyes disappeared when you saw the two boys there

‘hey iwa-san! kyo-san! sorry, i needed to fill the water bottles!’

you grinned and placed the bottles back to the case before lugging it up

my god their eyes were shining

yep, thats my girl

when their games were over for the day, they made their way to the exit where the bus was at and you and kyo stayed behind again

you caught the eye of the guy and his team and you and kyo glared at him, both wearing a sadistic smile

UGH YALL ARE COUPLE GOALS I SWEAR

kyo even went up to him and the team shrunk leaving the guy standing there in fear at the look on his face

‘listen, i dont like it when my baby girl gets touched by filthy shite like you. so do it again, and ill chop those damn fingers of yours, got it?’

lmao he’ll come for your ankles

the guy just nodded in fear while his team were cowering at the back

you chuckled and pulled kyo to go bc as much as you liked watching this, you needed to go to the bus to go home

‘cmon, kyo, i want to go. im getting a headache from the smell of garbage’

he shifted his gaze to you and sent you a soft smile

‘okay. lets go’

hah you thought it ends there?

kyo is a dramatic little shite so he made a show of grabbing your waist and kissing your temple before flashing them a finger

oiks was tapping his foot impatiently at the bus and when you and kyo emerged from the entrace, he was about to snatch you up but kyo stood in front of you

‘EH?! KYOKEN-CHAN, I WANT TO SIT WITH Y/N-CHAN!’

‘no’

he said and didnt say anything else as he pulled you to the bus and into a two seater where you sat at the window again and he sat on the outside

‘hah? you want to sit next to me, kyo-san?’

you teased but he flushed red, hurriedly hiding in your neck

you laughed and brought a hand up to caress his nape

‘mhm’

he mumbled and you pursed your lips to hide the squeal

‘youre so cute, kyo-san’

‘not cute’

‘very cute’

‘no’

‘AM I CUTE Y/N-CHAN?’

‘SHUT UP SHITTYKAWA’

kyoken got away from your neck and went to hit the captain 

oikawa screamed

a/n: my first week of school was so weird bc we only have like 2 days and the other days are just free days bc we havent really done anything except talk about our classes but im just hating this system like ugh i actually want to go to school bc ya girl is going to a tech school and this 2-day a week is not the vibe

[m4rkiza]

another headcanon

this feels like a fanfiction but anyway,

leon and raihan is a pretty healthy couple.when theyre in the middle of an argument,if one raise their voice just a bit,the other backs off and suggest to take a few hours,even days to cool down, and then talk about it when theyre calm and is able to think straight to avoid unwanted events.

and currently theyre in the middle of an argument,theres a rising problem in the league,and them being the top trainers with equally great intelligence,  theyre expected to solve it

theyve been arguing because when theyre discussing about how to solve it,theres a ...quite serious disagreement , which led into a debating session,so they decide to have time to think about it by themselves instead of discussing about it,just for a day or two.

but theres another problem rising,which came from a different source, a pokemon breeding centre,theres some issue with dragon type pokemon,leon expect raihan to be the only person whos expected to help,but because leon has 2 on his team,he was asked to help raihan. sadly he cant decline the request. 

theyre in the middle of their “argument” but that doesnt matter of course,since both got an email to help the breeder to solve the pokemon breeding issue,they push their personal problems aside and try to discuss about it,which sadly led into another debating session. both decide to stop and sit down

raihan lets out a sigh “3 days?”

“..sure i guess” leon answer hesitantly,both actually cool off easily and they certainly dont need 3 days to just cool down and think. 3 days without raihan is too long afterall,but leon assume that maybe,he had pushed the wrong buttons and just agree to avoid another conflict,which wont happen.he knows raihan, but he rather not

raihan tilts his head “you look hesitant, 2 days maybe? ive already set up papers to solve the other problem we had,so i guess 2 days is enough,how about you?”

leon looks up to raihan, “i already figure out yesterdays solution too, so... 2 days? then we discuss about the league issue,then suggesting it to the staff?”

raihan nodded “yes,then we discuss about this and gave the result to the pokemon breeding centre”

leon agrees, finally,an agreement.

the next day comes, leon suddenly has an appointment out of nowhere,oleana certainly didnt tell him about this,and now,leon is sorrounded by hellspawns.

hes in the local kindergarten,which is not bad, but this kindergarten hits different,leon has lost count of kids whos trying to stole his cap and pull his cape off. heck,even one kid almost peed on him. 

once hes free from hell,he really wants to reunite with raihan,but theyre on their...relationship break? he doesnt even know what its called because its really rare for them to argue.

but because leon is on the edge of bursting out,he decide to just,take a quick shower to make himself look presentable,and flew to hammerlocke

he arrives at the gym, walking through the hall,being guided by one of the gym trainer,to raihans office. his eyes is already glassy with tears.

he entered raihans office, raihan is there, sitting on the couch with paperworks,he move his head to meet leon,eyes wide when he see a familiar purple hair

“leon? do you want to discuss it now? ive cooled down and i al-”

leon lets out a mewl,a sad one. which surprises raihan. raihan stared at him,brows furrowing,he noticed leons golden eyes were glistening “wait-” he got up,walks his way to leon “dandelion,darling” oh how leon has been craving to be called that, “whats wrong? did i do something-”

“i had a surprise appointment today” leon croak out “i- oleana didnt told me about it-” did he just sob? “i wasnt prepared and we went to a fucking place filled with tiny demonic creatures” he leans in to raihans comforting touch “worst than giratina and darkrai, id prefer to hang out with them rather than those- those kids” leons sobs got more violent “they- they were trying to stole my champion hat and tried to pull of my cape,which almost choked me,dragon” 

raihan concerns starts to grow faster when leon called him dragon,since leon only use that particular nickname when he feels unsafe or when hes super stressed out. 

“i- i almost cried in place, i was tired for- figuring out the solutions and we had 2 debate in a span of one week, we, we rarely argue dragon,” leons grip on raihans arm got tighter,”those kids” raihan can see pure fear in leons eyes “hit the spot,one- one of them almost peed on me raihan,im glad one of the teacher grab them fast enough,i wouldnt know what id do if that actually happened”

raihan hold leon tight,then make him to sit down on the couch, leon didnt let go of raihan when raihan wanted to take a cup of water, he asked raihan to stay and hold him more, raihan cant blame him,that kindergarten IS basically hell and he doesnt understand how the teacher can withstand those tiny demons, this week has been hectic too,he cant blame leon really,he felt bad about initiating one of the debates but,i guess that doesnt matter anymore when theyve found the solutions.

leon is now on his lap,hugging raihan by the shoulder sobbing quietly. all raihan can do is hugging leon back,making sure he feels safe. 

after the sobbing had died down,raihan asks leon

“lee?baby?” raihan calls out, leon lets out a mumble, “let me handle the pokemon breeding issue yeah? its about dragon type afterall,i can do it myself,im just gonna take your typed out suggestions and take care of it by my own,about the league issue,lets just combine our solution and come with a neutral conclusion, is that okay darling? or do you want to discuss about it tomorrow? we can stay in my place if you want”

leon slowly repositioned his body to face raihan,he nodded “yeah, okay,ill let you take care of the breeding centre,but dont overwork yourself raihan, about the league,lets just combine our solutions,it does feels irresponsible though,they expect us-”

“leon,my dearest,lets think about YOU for awhile,the league aint shit,my love,how do you feel about it?” raihan cuts off

“...i..personally,i dont want too..” leon looks down, he wants to give the best for the league,but raihan is right,he needs to prioritize himself just for tonight,so he can give the best to the region tomorrow morning

“there you go,now- let me just-” raihan proceed to carry leon, as if hes a baby,leon just dont give a single fuck at this point,he just want to sleep like a rock for 8 hours,he leaned and put his head near raihans neck,looping his arm around raihans shoulder tighter,hes grateful raihan is big and strong enough to carry a 80kg bulky man like he is

“dragon,love” leon mumbled right next to raihans ear, “im..sorry i initiated the breeding center debate,i .. i shouldnt even argue with you,you knew so much more”, raihan kissed leons head, “no worries baby,i dont mind,you are a bit...selfish sometimes,but its okay,its not like im far from that either,since im the one who started to argue about the league issue,despite me not knowing much about it,im sorry about that too”

leon answered “so we good?”

raihan smiled, “always been”

leon hugged raihan tighter and closed his eyes,trusting his dragon that he will take care of him,when leon opened his eyes,hes already in a familiar place,raihans apartment,to be more specific,hes on the bed,wearing one of raihans t-shirt and...his own pajama pants? raihan is currently putting socks on his left feet,raihan noticed that his prince has woke up, “go back to sleep,ill keep you safe,i wont let rose or oleana to put their hands on you” leon looked at him “but how about you?im not gonna have a day off tomorrow if youre not sitting next to me,whats the point of a single day off if 1 of my favorite person isnt there next to me?”

raihans got surprised “wait how did you know i told them to give you a day off?” leon smiled “instinct”

raihan chuckled while crawling to the bed,setting himself next to leon, “i didnt enter hell today so i dont need one” he teased, leon hugs raihan by the waist,giving it a firm grip “raihan my precious dragon, love,sweetheart,im begging you to stay, please,im not fully sane yet,i need you to keep me on the ground,and dont commit a genocide,raihan pleaaase,do your work at home-” raihan cuts him off “no! you’d help me with it! you need to rest,prince!” raihan answered with a laugh, leon tighten his grip “but i need you! how can you leave me alone and insane like this! how dare you!” leon said,mimicking his voice to sound like a dramatic damsel in distrest

raihan obeys,of course he will,hes actually on the edge too,the breeders are plain out stupid and its no wonder that the dragon type mons had an issue,they shouldve put the baby on HIS breeding center instead,he knows well about it anyway,who the heck brought the baby dragons there?! not to mention how they act like they know more than raihan,the dragon tamer,the only certified dragon type specialist in the whole region. raihan was so fed up,the paperwork from the gym arent helping either,he got 3 helping hands and it overwhelms them all,he guess he should give the whole gym trainer just a single day break to sleep the whole day and get themselves charge. and so he did,he typed out a short email to all the gym trainers,that they will have a day off tomorrow,

leon smiled in satisfaction as raihan typed out the email on his phone,he knew raihan was close to murder someone too,,but knowing raihan,he wont take a day off if leon told him too. but raihan WILL do it,if leon beg raihan to stay with him,hes concerned about it and might talk about it, that he should prioritize himself and not his lover,but not definitely not now,nor later.someday probably.

after raihan sent the emails,he turned off the bedside lamp, and proceed he put his head on leons plump chest, “alright,nighty night prince,i love you”

leon put his hand on top of raihans head,petting it gently“night dragon,i love you too”

then they sleep. 

[wherearemyglassesbro]

The DNR au executions in order ✨ Dont read if it’ll make you uncomfortable :)

Murder #1: Alfred Jones is the first to kill. He’s overcome with the feeling of helplessness and can’t mentally handle being there. When Kumakuma gave everyone their first disguised motive, Alfred was pushed over the edge. His ‘motivation tape’ was a video of his parents’ farmhouse burning. It still isn’t clear if it was faked or real but that video hit Alfred like a ton of bricks. He kept up his cheery facade and decided to wait to make his move despite being desperate. He watched his classmates closely, just waiting to see weakness in them. He wouldnt go after a girl or someone bigger than him...He finally decided on Kiku. He was soft spoken and kept to himself so....He’d be easy to get to!! Around 3am, Alfred snuck out of his room and down the hall, knocking on Kiku’s door “Hey buddy uh....Look man I’m having trouble sleeping and I wanted to walk around a bit. Would you come with me? I don’t think it’s safe to walk around alone and I trust you”. Kiku is flattered and he agrees to walk around with Al. Little does he know, Alfred’s got a kitchen knife tucked into his jacket. They walk and walk, Alfreds getting fidgety. Kiku’s confused by his behavior but he understands that this place can make you feel jittery. They arrive at the second floor gate “Ok Alfred-san I think we should head back from here. I’m pretty tired, arent you-?” Alfred throws him against the gate, knocking the wind out of him which gives Al enough time to retrieve his knife and bury it into Kiku’s chest “I-I’m so sorry....I’m so fucking sorry...I don’t want this...I didn’t want to have to do this...But I need to get out of here....” he arranged Kiku’s body to make it look like he stabbed himself and runs away. Halfway back to his room he realizes that his shoes are bloody!! Shit!! So he takes them off to run the rest of the way back in his socks. He washes off his shoes and wears that same pair the next morning when everyone meets up for breakfast. Everyone realized that Kiku was gone way faste than Al expected and they split up into two groups to go find him......”Ding dong dong ding”....”A body has been discovered!!” And it begins.

Execution #1: Cannonball. Alfred Jones has been found guilty! Time for his punishment! His punishment for killing The Ultimate Gamer, Kiku Honda, is one final stunt! One exclusive show for his classmates! He’s the first to go so everybody buckle up! Alfred is stuffed into a Monokuma cannon! Wowie! The cannon is aimed at a huge target allllll the way across the room. The target is about a football field away. The canon starts to rumble...it gets louder and louder...Everyones freaking out!! And then, the floor opens! And Alfred is shot into a murky pool full of piranhas! Canonball!! His classmates are forced to stand and watch until there’s nothing left of their friend.

Murder #2: Tension rises after Alfred’s trial and execution because that was everyone’s brutal wake up call. This is very real. This is a game theyre forced to play. Kumakuma provides another motive only hours after the trial, calling everyone to the gym to present a stack of money! 20 million dollars to be exact! This is supposed to bribe the greedy ones into killing. Luciana Vargas begins to get cocky. She and Natalya start fighting. And I mean fighting. They scream, throw shit, all that! The others have to intervene most of the time too. It’s getting out of hand. And Nat can’t take it anymore!! Luciana likes to do her laundry at night so Natalya sneaks up on her...very quiet...She’s not wearing shoes, not even breathing as she approaches. And it’s all to easy. She snatched up a scarf and threw it around Luciana’s neck, brutally strangling her and whispering in her ear as she took her final breaths “You bitch...you slimy, nasty, fucking whore...I hate you...I hate you I hate you! I feel no remorse...You snake...You evil, cocky bitch...” The last thing Luciana sees is Natalya’s smiling face. Once she’s dead, Nat stuffs Luciana’s corpse into the washing machine and leaves. It takes three days for her to be discovered....Ding dong dong sing....and when she is, she’s discovered by Michelle of all people. Michelle faints and hits her head super hard on the ground, which makes this an even bigger ordeal. Everyone suspects Nat from the start since the two were fighting so much and the evidence all leads to her anyway. Luciana managed to rip out a few of Nat’s hairs so those were found at the scene....

Execution #2: Eye Of The Beholder. Natalya Braginskya has been found guilty! Time for her punishment! Her punishment for killing The Ultimate Designer, Luciana Vargas, is to face off against 10,000 bees! Natalya is placed in a giant glass bubble which is teetering on a ledge shaped like a hand. Bees are quickly pumped into the sphere! As Natalya struggles while shes being brutally stung, she makes the glass ball shift too much! And in doing so, she and the bees fall to their deaths, the glass ball crashing into the floor 4 stories below! She was beautiful! And her death made sure she would no longer be. Or...no longer...’bee’

Murder #3: it’s almost three weeks after Nat’s trial and none of the motives are working. Kumakuma has presented six motives and everyone has decided to stick to their friedship. That just won’t do. Kumakuma then decides to dig deep into everyone’s pasts, finding their darkest secrets. He slips a folder under everyone’s door...The secrets cause Francis to snap. He can’t take this anymore. Kumakuma is going to release his darkest secrets to the media in 48 hours if someone doesn’t kill. Oh god oh god oh no...Francis’s folder if full of secrets. He slept with a director, gave another actor food poisoning to take his role, drove over a coworker’s leg with a gold cart so they couldn’t perform, all sorts of awful things that he did to secure his career. Things that his poor mother didn’t know. That his sister didn’t know. No one was supposed to know any of this but...him. He couldn’t allow this to get out! This would wreck his family!!! He calmed himself down enough to draft a plan. He wrote out his entire murder plan from start to finish. It was foolproof. (Spoiler alert, it wasn’t). He caught Arthur in the hall as everyone was heading off to their rooms after dinner and guided him away where no one would see, sneaking him into the bath house. It was all coming together...This was going to work...Francis is the ultimate actor of course! He’s been working on Arthur from day one, flirting with him and being nice. He had a feeling that Arthur’s loyalty would come in handy!! Now it was time to put him to use. He and Art stripped and got in the hot tub, Fran made conversation and then offered to wash Art’s hair. Of course Art complied....Then Francis did what he had to do. He shoved Art’s head underwater and held him there. Art put up a good fight, he screamed and fought hard but in the end, Fran was just stronger and heavier so when he finally managed to sit on his head, it was all over for him. Francis didn’t bother arranging the body, he dried himself off and left the scene. He was very stealthy about his exit and he took the long way back to his room just to be sure. His downfall? He smelled like the soap from the bathhouse. That soap is only in the bathhouse. That was the one detail that got him. And when that detail was discovered, his cool facade started breaking, he’d never been so nervous before and even as the ultimate actor, he couldn’t mask his guilt forever.

Execution #3: The Stage Of Kings. Francis Bonnefoy has been found guilty! Time for his punishment! His punishment for killing The Ultimate Mathlete, Arthur Kirkland, is to put on one final performance! Francis is strapped into a chair in the middle of an ornate stage. He’s dressed as a king with the whole garb and crown. Above him are three chandeliers, one falls and hits the stage on either side of him, scaring the crap outta him and the final one lowers down....lowers down...until it’s right over his chair. And then BOOM!!! In one horrific movement, the chandelier falls on top of him and explodes!! BA BAM!! To signify the end of the performance, black and red rose petals fall from the ceiling and into the viewing area where the other students are and applause plays from the speakers.

Murder #4: Another motive has been presented. This motive is success. ‘If you kill someone and graduate, you’ll be guaranteed even more success than before. Your name will be everywhere, you’ll get many interviews and all kinds of publicity! Media coverage beyond your wildest dreams!!’. This sparked something in Berwald. Berwald has always been the rock of the group. He’s emotionally detached, intelligent and strong. He did very little in the actual trials but if he thought someone was wrong he’d say so. Berwald thought that he’d never be a suspect if he ever did commit something...All he had to do was disguise the crime scene. Plant hair. Contaminate evidence. Move things around. Anything he could to frame someone else! He had a plan. He would kill Matthias, the stupid dancer who he couldn’t stand to be around. Then he’d frame Carmen. He found a pair of the shoes she wore and took them from the supply room, keeping them for himself. It took awhile to get all of the supplies he needed. Tarps, tools from the art room, a bag of blood from the nurses office. Everything was coming together!!! This was going to work!! He could almost taste his freedom! He got too cocky. Berwald followed Matthias, who was blissfully unaware of what was happening, as he wandered around the school. He followed Matthias up to the 3rd floor and cornered him in the red room!!! But Matthias was too fast!! As Berwald went to hit him over the head, Matthias grabbed a Kumakuma bottle and smashed it over his head!! Berwald now had blood running down his face into his eyes! Matthias took this as an opportunity to snatch up another bottle, breaking that one on his head too! BAM!! After a THIRD hit to the head, Berwald fell to the ground and died. Matthias was horrified with what he had done...now he was standing in a puddle of blood, covered in Berwald’s blood...Even though this was technically self defense, he still killed him!! Oh no!!! He rifled though Berwald’s bag and managed to piece together the origional plan! He made bloody footprints with the girls shoes and dumped his own shoes (and the rest of Berwald’s bag’s contents) in hallway garbage can. Jittery and in shock, he made his way back to his room to shower. His biggest mistake was leaving a partial bloody handprint on his own doorknob.

Execution #4: ‘Dance Dance Execution!’. Matthias Kohler has been found guilty! It’s time for his punishment! His punishment for killing Berwald Ox, The Ultimate CEO, is to dance for his life! A ‘dance dance revolution’ machine is set up for everyone to see. Matthias is set up on the machine and must dance at the highest level in order to stay alive. He gets three chances, each misstep makes the machine go faster, demanding that Matthias dances faster. When he messes up the first time, buzzer rings out and strobe lights turn on. Now the his vision is obscured as he dances. The second time he messes up, he’ll hear a buzzer again and the sound of a roaring crowd is pumped into the room, making it harder for him to hear the song the machine is playing. The third time he messes up, the room goes silent, the machine stops and the lights come on all the way to reveal a giant, heavy, metal box dangling from the ceiling. The box then falls, crushing him and the ‘dance dance’ machine too.

“Murder” #5: The students have all been desperate to figure out the mystery of the school. They’ve gone to the bathhouse and student bathrooms countless times to formulate plans to sneak around. They’ve distracted Kumakuma, stolen things from different rooms, found a headmasters key tucked away in the library. They’ve been able to uncover the mystery of why there are 16 trial stands. There are 16 students. What the fuuuck???? They get ahold of Gilbert’s student file and within a day, a body is found. Ding dong dong ding!....Huh??? Everyone rushes to where they hear screams! Up on the 4th floor, slumped against the music room door is Gilbert Beilschmidt!!! The student they just discovered in the files!! His face is mutilated and a chunk of skin on his shoulder is missing. His file indicates that he has a tattoo there to commemorate his first gold medal. Everyone is now rightfully freaking out, everyone suspects eachother!! They go into the trial practically blind.

Execution....#5...?: The trial for Gilbert Beilschmidt’s murder is the most chaotic one yet. No evidence is making sense...But...One little detail. Michelle had gone to the bathroom alone that morning while everyone else was at breakfast at 7:15. And Gilbert’s death was around 7:30 so....She had plenty of time to go kil him and come back before breakfast was over at 9! After that fact came to light, everyone agreed that Michelle was the killer and...she was sentanced! Huh??? Michelle didn’t kill anyone!!! She just barely saved herself by posing the question: ‘Couldnt Gilbert have even killed by the mastermind? Not one of us?’. Everyone then quickly turned on Kumakuma, asking who controlled him. After an hour in the trial room, arguing and yelling, The real Gilbert showed himself in his true, mastermind glory! He admits to being part of the Ultimate Despair. The dead ‘Gilbert’ was just another corpse. A decoy. But the students figured him out. The trial continued long into the night as the students worked through the mysteries of the school, the tragedy, whats outside, all of it. Gilbert laughed and went along with it, encouraging despair to take over the students. “If you convict Michelle, I’ll allow you all to continue living here in peace! But if you convince me~ Well, you have to go. The second I die, the air purifiers will go off! And so will the fridges, air conditioner, water pumps, all of it! You’ll be forced to leave! Go out into that hopeless world you love so much and die there, motherfuckers~”

Execution #5: The Finale. The students all convince Gilbert, they stick together to the very end. Gilbert laughs and laughs, hitting the button to announce his own punishment. He whoops and hollers as he strides into the punishment room, happily straps himself onto a wheel with a target on it. The punishment begins! The wheel starts spinning. Slow at first then faster and faster and faster! Kumakuma robots throw knives at Mach speed, each knife hitting Gil in different places. Throughout his punishment, he laughs and hollers through the whole thing. The students think it’s worse than screams of pain....When hes dead they all get to leave....and see what’s outside...

((I hope this isn’t too rambly lmao alsoooo please don’t think I’m like....fucked up or something lmao aijssjkshdvs))

[dirtydobrik]

getaway - d.d.

plot: you’ve been secretly dating david for a couple months, keeping your relationship a secret from everyone including your friends, and one day you go on a “business trip”/beach vacation to spend time together and a fan sees you out together and shares pictures, essentially outing your relationship

requested: yes, by anon! Reader going on a business trip and being in a secret relationship with david and its like that episode of friends were monica and chandler are hiding their relationship and they go on a “business” trip but its only to spend time together and thats how their friends find out theyre dating.. if that makes sense :) lol

author’s note: hi! i’ve been writing a lot of sad/angst fics lately so here’s another fluff piece. this was requested anonymously so hopefully it was something similar to what you wanted. if you want to send in a request for an imagine, send me a message! (i have been so behind on requests lately but i am trying to get caught up, so i’m trying to post 1-2 times a day so people don’t have to wait ages for me to write their requests) 

this picture just radiates boyfriend vibes i’m in love

word count: 1695

masterlist

"Babe, can we please go on a vacation," you begged. You were tired of being cooped up in LA, hidden from the world. You had to sneak over to David's late at night just to spend time with him since none of your friends knew you were together yet.

"How are we supposed to get away from our friends from an entire week?" he questioned, and you sighed. The idea seemed impossible.

"What about just a couple days?"

"I'll see what I can do," David answered and you grinned. You two were in desperate need of some serious alone time. The hardest part of planning this trip would be figuring out how to hide it from your friends.

A few days later David dropped two planes into your lap while you were sitting on the couch in his living room and your eyes widened. They were for a trip to North Carolina from Tuesday to Friday.

"A beach vacation?" you asked, a huge smile on your face. David nodded, and you gave him a hug.

"I'm going to tell everyone that I need to go to New York to go over some things with my publicist and you can say you have to go on a business trip for work. I think that should work."

"It's a perfect plan," you agreed, mentally reminding yourself to take the days off from work.

Tuesday afternoon, you were on your way to the airport. Natalie was dropping you both off, and although she knew you two had something going on, she didn’t think anything of it. You went checked in and went through security, settling into a seat and waiting for your flight. David had a baseball cap on and his hood up so people wouldn’t recognize him.

Seven hours after boarding, you touched down in North Carolina. You got to your AirBnB, a small house right on the water and you couldn’t stop smiling.

"I can’t believe we're here!" you exclaimed gleefully. You were bouncing off the walls with excitement to just have time to enjoy being David.

Wednesday morning you woke up next to David, and he begged you to not get up yet. You rolled over, draping your arm over his chest and leaning up to kiss him.

"Good morning," you grinned, still not over the fact that you were on vacation and alone for the first time since you started dating two months ago.

"Hi, baby," he smiled, kissing your forehead. "What do you want to do today?"

"Anything, everything," you sighed, running your fingers through his hair. You were just excited to spend uninterrupted time with your boyfriend.

"How does breakfast sound?"

After finally getting out of bed and getting ready for the day, you were walking hand in hand to a small café down the street from where you were staying. You sat at a table outside and you thanked god that Carly and Erin had gotten David hooked on coffee since you both needed some type of caffeine. You snapped a photo of him with his coffee, having to stop yourself from posting it.

You were almost in the clear during your outing, until David was recognized while paying the bill.

"Oh my God! You're David Dobrik!" a voice shrieked form inside the café. "Can I get a picture? I'm a huge fan," she asked, and when David agreed, you feared your cover would be blown. You pushed your hat down to cover most of your face and looked down in case she knew who you were too.

"Thank you so much!" she exclaimed, giving David a hug before leaving.

Once the girl was far enough away, David came back outside and sat down with you.

"That was close," he sighed.

"Maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't leave the house," you giggled. "No one will find us if we hide out."

You two decided to lay out on the beach, leaving your phones inside, which turned out to be a bad idea. When you went back inside a couple hours later, your phones were blowing up.

"Shit," David muttered, scrolling through his texts. He had gotten sent pictures of you and him walking together and some of you at the café.

"Babe, this is not good," you groaned. You felt like this was your fault. You had just wanted a few days alone with him and now everyone knew you were on vacation together. You both didn’t want to face your friends, having no clue how they would react, and judging by the texts in the group chat, they weren't too pleased.

David was pacing around the kitchen as he talked on the phone with his publicist asking what, if anything, he should do. Your phone continued to ring but you didn't want to answer.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, when David rejoined you in the living room.

"Hey, no. This is not your fault, babe."

"I wanted to go on a getaway, so yes, it is."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. This easily could've happened in LA," he tried to reassure you.

"But people would expect to see us in LA, since that's where we live. The two of us being alone in North Carolina is unexpected and people are going to make a big deal about it and it's my fault," you rambled, David interrupting you by kissing you.

"Look, I love you, and yeah, it's partly your fault, but that doesn't matter. People know we're dating, how it happened doesn’t matter. We need to figure out what to do next."

"Okay, so what do you want to do?" you asked, looking him in the eye. This was a decision for David to make, since he was the one in the public eye.

"I think the only right thing to do is tell people that we're dating. Our friends are already pissed that we hid it from them for two months, we might as well just announce it to everyone," he shrugged, and you nodded in agreement.

David shared an post introducing you as his girlfriend across all of his social media platforms, and you didn’t feel anxious like you thought you would've.

"Sorry we had to announce it so soon," he frowned, feeling bad that you were now going to be the focus of most of his interviews and that you were going to be publicly thrown into the public eye.

"It's okay, Dave. I'm more worried for how our friends will react when we go home, though," you admitted, breaking eye contact and looking down.  

"They already know and love you, so there's nothing to worry about, I promise."

You felt David's arms pull you into a tight hug and you let out a long exhale, relieved that he had handled the situation with such grace and ease.

For the rest of the trip, you were able to go out and about, not having to worry about hiding from fans that you might run into. But you were still dreading going back to LA and talking to your friends.

You had texted a few of the girls, giving them all of the details they were begging for, and none of them seemed upset that you didn't tell them ahead of time. They understood the difficulties of dating within the friend group and wanting privacy, although most people tried to keep their relationships a secret from David so he wouldn't exploit them on the vlog.  

You and David landed in LA on Friday night with Natalie there to pick you up.

"I should've known something was up when you didn't bring Jason or me with you on your fake trip to New York," Natalie laughed when David opened the door to the passenger seat and slid in.

"Yeah, I'm surprised you and Jason didn't question it. Like I knew no one else would've, but I expected questions from you and Jase," David chuckled.

"Jason said he's known about you two for a month, or at least that's what he's telling everyone."

You racked your brain trying to think of how or when Jason could've found out, but couldn’t think of anything.

Back at David's, your friends were awaiting your arrival, with a list of questions they wanted answers to, starting with why you would pick David when you could've gone for literally any other guy in the entire world.

"I knew something was up when you two had to go to New York together on the same day for the exact same length of time," Carly insisted.

"I knew something was going on when no one else got an invite to New York, not even Jeff, and he's from there," Zane added.

"I knew something was up when David wanted to record the podcast on Monday night when usually he'd have me come out if he had to travel to record the podcast," Jason said.

“Yeah, I knew something was wrong when neither of you posted about going to or being in New York,” Erin piped in.

"Okay, okay, we get it. You all knew about us before we told you," David muttered, rolling his eyes. They had all come up with theories after they saw the pictures since no one said anything or suspected anything until the pictures were leaked.

“We’re happy for you guys,” Erin smiled, everyone else agreeing.

“Thank you,” you replied, giving her a hug.

The rest of the night was spent sitting on the couch with you finally being able to cuddle and be close to David without people asking any questions about it. It was such a relief to have your relationship accepted by your friends. It wasn’t that ever doubted them, you were just nervous telling anyone that you were dating him since you weren’t a YouTuber and didn’t want to take anything away from David and his future.  

And while this wasn’t the way you had planned to tell everyone you were together, it didn’t matter anymore. The only thing that mattered was the fact that you two were confident enough in your relationship to tell the world, even if it had come a lot sooner than you anticipated.

[ahtohallan-calling]

chapter 5 of don’t read the last page is here!

[kristanna / m / multichap / modern au with actress!anna and vetstudent!kristoff]

He’d put the phone down on the counter while he made breakfast, but now that his hands were free again he still didn’t pick it up; after their initial awkward phone call, they’d started FaceTiming instead, and as much as he loved seeing her face, he was really glad she couldn’t see his right now.

“And I was soo confused, so I started telling her, like, ‘Seriously, Honey, he’s got this amazing blond hair that you just like, want to touch all the time and these big brown eyes and little freckles and plus I’m pretty sure he’s kind of ripped and I—‘ Kristoff, I heard the microwave go off already. Are you hiding from me?”

“No,” he muttered, his face turning even redder.

chapter 5

day 1

Sven was just stumbling into the kitchen when Kristoff came in. He frowned, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“You look really happy for someone who just dropped off their girlfriend at the airport for a six-week trip,” he said, pouring a glass of chocolate milk. 

“Not my girlfriend.”

“Not the important part of that sentence.”

Kristoff snagged the bottle and poured himself a cup. “This is mine, by the way, so you owe me.”

“Fine, I’ll buy toilet paper l-- no, I know you, Bjorgman, you’re trying to distract me.”

Sven narrowed his eyes further, fixing Kristoff with a hard stare. He tried to look as innocent as possible as he went to rummage through the fridge, but then he remembered the way Anna had clung to him, the feel of her little hands in his hair, the press of her lips against--

“Oh my god! You kissed her!”

Kristoff stood, not bothering to hide his smile anymore. “Well, technically, she kissed me.”

“I fucking called it, man, I knew you wouldn’t be able to hold off that much longer.”

“We really did try.”

“You didn’t even make it a week, my guy,” Sven said amiably, meandering into the living room. “You tried harder at Mario Kart the other night. Which, by the way, I know you lost on purpose so Anna could win.”

Kristoff considered arguing, but then his phone lit up with a text from Anna, so instead he grinned and walked away to the sound of Sven sighing dramatically. “I heard that buzz! I know it’s her! Jesus, I’d say get a room, but--”

Kristoff didn’t hear the rest as he shut his bedroom door.

kris!! theres wifi i can text you

Im in first class look 

..

That’s crazy

They gave you champagne this early in the morning?

..

supposed to be for mimosas

but it’s like 5 o clock somewhere

specifically romania so

..

That jet lag is going to be rough.

How long is your flight?

..

10 hrs to london then 3 to bucharest💀

but i think my seat turns into a bed so ill try to sleep

theres sooooo many movies tho!

omg theyre bringing more snacks….i feel like a movie star already

..

You kind of are.

..

havent made the movie yet!!

oh the director is here he wants to talk ttyl

..

:)

---

day 4

For some reason, her hands were shaking as they hovered over the green button. “Just do it, Anna,” she muttered to herself. “It’s just Kristoff. He told you to call.”

Thanks to the time difference and long flights, it had taken most of two days to even get here, and on her first full day in Romania she’d been so overwhelmed with the film set and meeting her co-star Adam and talking to the directors and producers and costumers and cameramen that she’d completely crashed the moment she’d gotten back to her hotel room. She’d woken up in the middle of the night and sent Kristoff a quick text apologizing for not calling; he’d responded almost immediately, reassuring her that it was fine and to just call him the next day. At a reasonable hour, he’d made sure to add, not at 2 A.M. Go back to sleep.

She had, and then she’d nearly missed her alarm and hadn’t had time to call him in the morning, and then she’d been filming her first scene and been so overwhelmed by all of that that now it was nearly six o’clock, and it was the first time she’d gotten to look at her phone all day.

He’d texted her once at around 9 A.M. her time. Good luck today! You’ll kill it. Her heart had done a funny little flip at the message, simple as it was; every time she thought of Kristoff, it didn’t feel quite real, like it was just a daydream she would wake up from, but here it was, concrete proof that even literally halfway around the world-- more than halfway, actually-- he was still thinking of her, still caring about her.

The remembrance of that was what finally gave her the courage to hit call. She felt too nervous to FaceTime him, especially considering she was already in sweatpants and halfway through eating a bowl of pasta on her bed. He picked up on the third ring, sounding breathless for some reason.

“Hey! Anna! How are you?”

“I’m, um, I’m good! How are you? You sound kind of...out of breath?”

“Oh, yeah, you caught me at the gym, so I--”

“Oh! I’m so sorry, let me hang up and--”

“No, don’t! I’m almost done, just--”

There was a quick beep in the background, and a whirring noise she hadn’t noticed until now stopped. “Okay, sorry, we’re good.”

She couldn’t help but imagine what he looked like right now, with his hair hanging in his eyes and sweat dripping down his very well-muscled--

“Anna? You there?”

He’d just asked her something, but she’d been too busy daydreaming to catch it. Maybe it really was for the best she hadn’t gone for FaceTime; she probably would have been struck speechless at the sight of him. “Sorry, I was just-- sorry. Um. What did you say?”

He laughed softly. “I asked how your first day of filming went.”

“Oh! It was good, really good, actually. We filmed that scene I auditioned with, actually. They changed the bit about the cowboy boots.”

“Thank god. I don’t know anything about movies, but I know that was awful.”

“Oh, yeah, Adam-- that’s who’s playing Jesse-- he said they’d have to double his paycheck if they wanted him to say shit like that, and then we kind of improv-ed something else and it went really well.”

“That’s awesome!”

Anna felt herself blushing, just barely, at the sound of the genuine pride in his voice. “It was, um, it was nothing, really.”

“So how’s all of it going? Are the...um...honestly, I don’t know who all is involved in making movies. But are the other people nice?”

“Yeah! I really like the girl who does my hair and makeup, her name’s Honey. Isn’t that cute?”

Kristoff laughed; she could hear him starting the car in the background. Anna bit her lip. “Oh-- did you get to shower?”

“I will at home, don’t worry. Anyway--”

“You need to focus on driving? Yeah, I totally get it, seriously. Bye!”

She hit the red button and quickly dropped her phone. Her heart had been pounding the whole time; god, she was really out of practice with this whole thing. Embarrassment swept over her, and she buried her face in her knees; how the hell was this going to work when she was too self-conscious to talk to him for more than five minutes? God, she’d be lucky if he ever bothered to call her again after this.

To her surprise, the phone buzzed only a moment later. She debated picking it up for a long moment, then decided to go ahead and rip the bandaid off and snatched it up.

Just FYI, I was feeling really nervous, too. Want me to call you back after I get home and shower?

For some reason, tears started to fill her eyes as she typed a response. 

yes please :)

She showered, too, taking her time as she let the hot water work its magic on the tension in her shoulders, drawing in slow, deep breaths to steady herself. It wasn’t that every guy she’d ever dated had been bad, per se, just that it had been quite a long time since she’d been with someone who made her feel this nervous and excited and terrified and joyful all at once-- actually, now that she thought about it, she didn’t know if she’d ever liked someone else this much right off the bat. Since coming to L.A. almost two years ago, she’d had a string of bad luck with men, and it was strange readjusting to the notion that one would want to talk to her as much as she wanted to talk to him, that he actually wanted to hear about her day, that he saw right through all her embarrassing little defense mechanisms and somehow knew just what to say to make her feel better. Of course they knew each other, but this was something different, something more, as if she didn’t even have to say something for him to understand.

Her phone buzzed again ten minutes after she got out of the shower; with a smile, she picked it up.

“Hey, Kris.”

“Hey, Anna.”

“Ready to try again?”

“With you? Always.”

---

day 9

“So I was telling her, like, ‘I wish I had a recent picture of him to show you because he’s like, super super hot.’ And she kind of made this face and was like ‘that won’t make a difference.’”

He’d put the phone down on the counter while he made breakfast, but now that his hands were free again he still didn’t pick it up; after their initial awkward phone call, they’d started FaceTiming instead, and as much as he loved seeing her face, he was really glad she couldn’t see his right now. 

“And I was soo confused, so I started telling her, like, ‘Seriously, Honey, he’s got this amazing blond hair that you just like, want to touch all the time and these big brown eyes and little freckles and plus I’m pretty sure he’s kind of ripped and I—‘ Kristoff, I heard the microwave go off already. Are you hiding from me?”

“No,” he muttered, his face turning even redder. 

Anna giggled. “Then show me your face.”

He did so reluctantly; to his surprise, she didn’t laugh. “Kris, you know you are, like, super handsome, right? Seriously.”

“I’m, um, I’m just gonna—“

“I mean it. Like I get why you’re feeling shy about it and stuff but just know that, okay?”

He only nodded, feeling a little better, although his face was still heated. Anna, knowing when to leave well enough alone, smiled at him and continued her story. “Anyway, I told her all that and she just started laughing, and finally when I was done she was like ‘Anna, I’m gay’. And so then I showed her a picture of my sister, and I’m just saying, when we’re back in LA, we’re definitely doing a double date.”

—-

day 15

She didn’t know why she felt so nervous about telling him about it. She’d already texted him that morning telling him what scenes they were filming, and it wasn’t like it had meant anything; it was just part of the movie, and Adam was married anyway— but then again, it wasn’t that part that had really been bothering her. She still wasn’t sure until she was explaining it all to Kristoff, forcing herself to maintain eye contact as she held up her phone inside the blanket nest she’d constructed on her bed. 

“And like, he and I are good friends now, so that at least made it easier. And we were all in character and stuff, so, you know, it felt right, and then they started the fake snow going and we just did it, you know?”

“Uh-huh,” Kristoff said, his voice neutral. 

“That like— this doesn’t bother you, right?” she asked quickly. “Because seriously, it didn’t mean—“

“Anna, I know. This is literally your job, I’m not jealous or anything. But please tell me if I ever make you feel like I’m mad or something, because I’m seriously not.”

She let out the breath she’d been holding. “I— I know. I just...wanted to make sure. Because it still, like...still felt weird to me, you know? And I can’t figure out why.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “Have you done this before? Like, stage kissing and stuff?”

“Oh, yeah, lots of times. But this time felt kind of different. I just don’t know why.”

He considered it for a moment, looking so thoughtful she couldn’t help but smile, feeling a little flutter in her chest at the thought that he really and truly cared about helping her figure this out. “Enough about me, though, tell me about that crazy to-go order you texted me about. Did you end up getting to see the person who’d ordered it?”

They talked for so long Anna lost track of time, until she yawned so widely Kristoff stopped talking mid-sentence. 

“Anna, what time is it there?”

“Um...close to eleven?”

“What time did you get up this morning?”

“...four.”

He laughed softly. “Get some sleep. I’ll talk to you again tomorrow morning, okay?”

She wanted to argue, but honestly she’d been fighting to keep her eyes open for the last half hour. “Night, Kris.”

“Night, Anna. Sweet dreams.”

He said that every night, but the way he’d smiled tonight— she was thinking about it until long after she’d hung up her phone and closed her eyes. Then, suddenly, she sat upright and snatched it up again, typing furiously. 

figured it out...before, there’s never been someone i ACTUALLY wanted to kiss instead 

..

:)

I wish it had been me, too. 

—

day 21

hey kris!!! sorry i know it’s the middle of the night there so i hope this doesn’t wake you up but i set an alarm on my phone for the exact time and as of like 10 seconds ago we’re halfway there!!!!!!! 😊😊😊

To her surprise, a response came just a few minutes later. 

:) Knew we could do this.

—

day 23

“I got my class schedule today.”

“Yeah? Show me!”

He held it up awkwardly to the camera, and she squinted at it. “Oh, wow, that’s a lot of blocks. Are you still going to work at Starbucks?”

“Yeah, I’ve been there the whole time I’ve been in school. Just work less hours on weekdays, usually pick up some early morning weekend shifts.”

“Oh, that sucks.”

He shrugged. “It works out. I, uh, I’ve got some scholarships that cover most of my tuition, so then it’s, y’know. Rent money and stuff.”

Anna frowned, feeling suddenly acutely aware of how much money she was making for a lot less work. “Will you have, like...any free time?”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” he said quickly, suddenly sounding nervous. “I promise I’ll still have time to hang out with you and stuff, just--”

“No, no that’s like-- shit, that’s not what I meant, Kris, I mean I kind of did but like-- I’m not trying to like, pressure you or--”

“No, I get it, I--”

“No, I mean like school is way important and you like--”

“Seriously, when I say we can--”

Anna took a deep breath. “Okay. You talk first.”

“I, um. I don’t want you to think, like, I won’t make time for you or something, though. Um-- that was all.”

She smiled, wishing she could be there in person; it was so much easier to reassure him when she could just squeeze his hand. “Seriously, that’s not what I meant. I was just worried about you, ‘cause that’s, like, a lot of stress. So if there’s anything I can do to like, help or whatever, just...just let me know. Like...with anything.”

“Seriously, I think it’ll help a ton to just have a pretty girl keeping me company while I study.”

She felt her cheeks turn pink. “What if I end up wanting to distract you?”

Now she wasn’t the only one blushing.

---

day 30

“Miss you.”

“Miss you, too.”

Tonight, there wasn’t really anything else to say.

—- 

day 34

He’d stopped leaving his phone on silent overnight; it was silly, really, but he always had a tiny fear that maybe something would happen over in Romania while he was asleep, and maybe Anna would need to reach him, and there probably wouldn’t be anything he could actually do...but still.

Despite that, though, it still took a lot to wake him, so when his phone went off one night close to three in the morning, he nearly missed the call. “Hello?” he mumbled sleepily, putting it to his ear.

He heard a familiar little giggle. “It’s FaceTime, Kris. I’m sorry to wake you up, I just-- I really wanted you to see this.”

“Oh-- hang on.” He fumbled for his glasses on the nightstand, sliding them on and blinking blearily at the screen. “Um...where are you? I just see, like...the ceiling?”

“Oh-- that’s cause I gave my phone to Honey, just a second, and she’ll show you.”

The phone was lifted up suddenly by a pretty woman with bronze skin and dark hair thrown up into a bun. “Nice to meet you, Anna’s boyfriend.”

He wondered if she could see him blush even in the dark room. “Nice to meet you, too.”

“Okay, okay, I’m ready!” he heard Anna chirp from somewhere. “Turn the camera!”

Honey did with a laugh, and Kristoff sat upright, his eyes wide. Anna was in a deep blue ballgown that fit perfectly to her torso before flaring out into a long, shimmery skirt. Her hair was down, set in curls that shone especially bright against the dark color of the gown, and she was smiling so brightly he thought his heart was going to burst.

“You look beautiful, baby,” he said, half-convinced he was still dreaming.

She was quiet for a moment, and then he realized she was blushing bright red. He heard Honey giggle, and then the phone was being handed back over to Anna. “You’ve never called me that before.”

“What, beautiful? I definitely--”

“No, I--” Her blush deepened. “Kris, are you wearing a shirt?”

He glanced down. “Oh-- uh, no, I’m not. Sorry, I didn’t think you’d be able to see without the lights--”

A mischievous glint was twinkling in her eye. “Trust me, Bjorgman, there’s nothing to apologize for.”

Now he was blushing, too. “Um-- so you’ve got to be filming something special today, right?”

“Yeah, the big ballroom scene. I just...I really love this dress, and the way Honey did my hair and stuff, and I, um...I wanted you to see.”

He smiled softly. “I’m glad. You really do look so, so beautiful.”

She opened her mouth to say something else, but then he heard Honey call, “Hey, Anna, say bye to the boyfriend, they want you on set in five.”

Anna turned back to the camera, looking suddenly nervous. “Kris, are you my boyfriend?”

“Do you want me to be?”

“Yeah.”

He grinned, no longer sleepy. “Okay.”

Anna laughed. “Okay?”

“Hey, it’s still the middle of the night, and I’m still kind of speechless after seeing you in that dress. Cut me some slack.”

“Go back to bed. Sorry I woke you up.”

He yawned. “I’m not.”

---

day 40

“Look! All packed!” She grinned, turning her phone quickly around the room to show off her only slightly overstuffed suitcases. “And ready to come home!”

“Do you think you’ll miss it?”

“No, I mean...it’s beautiful and all here, but it’s still not home.”

Kristoff grinned at that. “You still want me to pick you up from the airport?”

“Um, is that even a question?”

He laughed. “Just making sure! I mean, six weeks is a long time, don’t know if you got tired of me.”

“Kristoff, the second I get back to LA, I’m like, jumping on you again and kissing the fuck out of you.”

He waggled his eyebrows. “And then?”

She could tease him, too. “And then you’d better hurry the hell up and take me back to your apartment so I can show you how much I missed you.”

“....Jesus Christ. Why does waiting two more days suddenly feel so much longer than the other forty?”

[jihyosforehead]

can i get some seulrene angst please

delicious yes i got u (fair warning this is pre long!!!)  …

seulrene meet in their university library

irene is sitting alone at her regular table, trying and failing to study for her advanced statistics test

in the middle of daydreaming about dropping out, seulgi turns up asking if she can sit at irenes table bc everywhere else is full

irene blinks and stares dumbly bc seulgi is lowkey the most adorable human being she has ever seen (the sweater paws are doing something to her heart)

and irene is distracted because seulgi is watching her lecture, knees pulled to her chest, elbows propping her head up, the tips of her fingers peaking out from her sleeves. irene feels her stomach flip uncomfortably

seulgi comes to her table again the next day and the day after that and at the end of the fourth time they sit together, seulgi starts leaving irene little snacks and finally introduces herself after realising she doesnt actually know irenes name

eventually they hang out outside of the library and realise they have mutual friends (seulgi with wendy and irene with yeri; and yeri and wendy with each other)

one day their whole group was meant to hang out but literally everyone bailed citing “personal emergencies” but seulrene didn’t realise this until theyre sitting in a cafe just the two of them

and it’s awkward at first but irene makes a joke about their friends being dumb and they go into this whole tangent of stories about their lives and they look at the time and they might as well get dinner since it’s late and they still wanna continue their conversation

irenes never met a person who could make her scream laugh so loud that people start staring

irenes regular table at the library becomes irene and seulgi’s regular table at the library and somewhere between that day in the cafe and right now, thursday afternoon approximately 3:43pm, does irene realise she has the biggest fattest crush on seulgi

and so she remembers seulgi’s fav snacks, remembers when seulgi’s tests are and helps her study for them, remembers her favourite movies and exhibitions she wants to see, remembers where she always loses her keys and has a sixth sense for when seulgi’s about to trip over her feet

and seulgi for all her clumsiness has a knack for understanding irene’s cold front and chips away at it, and it’s too late for irene to realise that seulgi has crawled her way into her heart and taken up permanent residence there

(she thinks she doesnt mind it)

seulgi runs off to the bathroom for a second and the open notebook catches her eye and irene finds herself picking it up to look at it more closely and it’s a drawing of her, looking otherworldly, almost unreal and irene is shookt. the book slips out of her hands and it lands on another page and it’s irene sipping some coffee, she flips the page and it’s of irene taking a nap, flips the page and it’s irene laughing - the notebook is snatched out of her hands unexpectedly and irene looks up to seulgi is standing there red-faced, stammering, apologetic and horrified but at the same time shes trying to be stern like “you cant just look at peoples things without permission! !!!1!” but irene is just like “this is how you see me?” and it’s a soft™ moment and seulgi has developed foot in mouth syndrome and is like “well yeah! u kind of mean everything 2 me u absolute dumbass !!!”

they start dating - to absolutely no ones surprise

their first kiss is in the middle of a lowkey night, theyre watching movies on irenes laptop in her dorm and sharing a blanket - tbh irene stopped watching the movie about 20 mins ago in place of studying seulgi’s side profile in wonder, her fingers twitching trying not to brush the strand of hair away from seulgi’s forehead. she settles for arranging the blanket more securely around seulgi’s shoulders just in case shes cold, you know? seulgi’s watching her the whole time and when irene looks up, seulgi’s eyes are just sparkly with fond affection and maybe love? but that thought is quickly cut off when seulgi presses her lips to irenes, so softly and gently and carefully that irene feels tears prick the corners of her eyes, she feels like shes going to break

but after that theres so many kisses. kisses in the library, forehead kisses, kisses before class, after class, any time in between; did well on a test? a kiss! did really badly on a test? a kiss!! maybe even an extra one! courtyard kisses, kisses in irenes dorm, in seulgi’s dorm, kisses at breakfast, lunch and dinner, just so many kisses!!

it’s a quiet sunday and seulgi and irene are redoing irenes dorm because seulgi scuffed the wall so badly it needs repainting and why not make a day of it? so here irene is, painting the wall, where it meets the floor bc her gf is clumsy but she is adorable and irene is in love, she thinks she’ll remember this day when theyre old and wrinkly and married

irene notices seulgi pulling away, distancing herself, acting weirdly guilty about something? irene thinks maybe shes done something wrong? is seulgi getting tired of her? tired of the relationship? it goes on for awhile and theres a heavy tension between them so thick, it’s almost tangible. and then one day when seulgi’s bailed on another date, irene shuts down. doesn’t know what to think. maybe seulgi doesnt love her anymore? maybe shes bored? irene knows that sometimes she can be really heavy handed with her affection but ever since seulgi’s pulled away, irene figured that maybe she wants space

seulgi turns up at irenes dorm, uninvited. irene swings the door open to find her gf looking equal parts sheepish and guilty. but shes holding a bag of food from irenes favourite restaurant, irene lets her in.

seulgi explains, hand rubbing the back of her neck, that when she gets into a funk, she just needs to go off and think on her own and is apologising for shutting irene out. irene is quick to forgive her. but as the night goes on, it’s clear that seulgi is feeling guilty for some other reason and when asked, seulgi just. she looks so sad

“a few weeks before we met, i applied for this arts school and i got a letter about 2 weeks ago saying that i got in. it’s really competitive and they only have a few spots available for international students and I didn’t think I’d even get in and I forgot but i got in. I got in,” seulgi whispers. almost as if, any louder and the words would be real.

“did u think i was going to beg you to stay here or something?” irene asks, softly. seulgi frowns deeply.

“no. i knew you were gonna tell me to go. but i don’t want to go. i want to be here with you,” seulgi tells her, desperately, voice cracking.

“u huge idiot, do u think that i wouldnt wait for u??? i would wait forever u huge dumbass!!!!”

the evening takes an obvious downturn. but they try not to notice. the next few weeks are seulrene trying to spend as much time together as possible. irene is trying her best to memorise what seulgi feels like in her arms; how she breathes when she’s asleep; the noises she makes when irene is pinning her to the sheets, marking her neck purple with bruises; how seulgi looks like shes close to tears when irenes made her laugh so hard that she snorts; the little fond sighs seulgi sends irenes way when she catches her staring over their morning coffee; how small she looks in an oversized sweater with the sleeves engulfing her hands completely; the way seulgi’s hands feel, fingers threaded through hers; how she likes to kiss irenes shoulder when theyre in bed; how for some reason when seulgi eats chewing with her mouth open it’s adorable instead of disgusting; and how irene is constantly brushing crumbs off seulgi’s clothes. irene tries her best to remember the slip of seulgi’s spine; the way she looks fully sated and satisfied; how seulgi’s eyes, dark and wide, always regard her with warm, open affection; how they can lay side by side in bed saying nothing for hours but irene doesnt need to hear words to know what seulgi’s feeling

but irene knows it isnt enough

because 2 weeks later, seulgi’s on a plane to paris with irenes heart in her hands and the kiss they share in the airport feels bitterly like a final goodbye

seulgi lands and sends irene photos of her food and the buildings and the friends she’s already made. and irene smiles wistfully

they facetime, and send each other texts every few hours, and schedule “dates” but the distance is so palpable that irene feels her heart ache something new whenever she sees seulgi’s red-rimmed eyes, yawning while sipping on a huge mug of coffee

“we should break up,” irene says. she can feel her heart crack at her own words, the tears visible on seulgi’s lashes even through the shitty facetime quality

“w-why?” seulgi sniffs

“because this isn’t working for us, this distance is going to ruin us completely,” irene finds herself saying, voice wooden and stiff. and she knows shes right because she knows seulgi’s grades arent as good as they could be and irene has failed a test and an assignment already

“wait for me,” seulgi is begging and irene is nodding her head frantically, promising tearfully over and over again that she would wait forever if she had to

so they break up that tuesday night, seulgi in paris and irene in korea. this has to be the worst facetime she’s ever had in her whole life.  

it hurts like nothing shes ever imagined, irene thinks shes never cried this much in her life. and she thinks shes doing well but she catches a whiff of seulgi’s perfume on her hoodie one day and it starts a fresh wave of gut-wrenching tears and her heart cracks into tiny, little pieces all over again

they don’t speak for literal years

but irene knows seulgi’s doing pretty well; she’s already held a few exhibitions, according to wendy. irenes graduated and doing okay for herself at a nice cushy job

wendy didn’t tell her that seulgi was back in korea though, but irene is pretty sure seulgi is back because she would recognise that laugh and perfume anywhere

seulgi turns around and her eyes finds irenes and seulgi is making a beeline towards her. irenes pulse is jumping erratically

“hey irene, it’s been awhile,” seulgi says, giving her a warm look. she looks older. more mature. holds herself like she knows shes grown up. but, irene thinks, fondly, painfully, her voice is exactly the same. wraps irenes name in her mouth exactly the same as she did 6 years ago

“hey,” irene replies, with a smile of her own.

“i want to introduce you to someone,”seulgi says, a grin turning up her face, and beckons a tall, intimidatingly beautiful woman over, “this is sooyoung,” seulgi’s smile grows even brighter and irene feels her heart plummet, connecting the dots, “my fiancee.”

“o-oh, it’s very nice to meet you,” irene is saying, trying her best to sound sincere but she sounds so monotone and robotic and wooden, her throat is closing up and her heart has almost stopped completely, and she has to leave before she starts crying all over seulgi again

so maybe seulgi moved on without telling irene

and maybe irene never moved on. and maybe irene had always waited around for seulgi

maybe waiting forever wasn’t a good idea after all, irene thinks wryly, sitting in her apartment alone, uselessly wiping hot tears from her face that don’t seem to stop no matter how much she tries

irenes not sure how, but it hurts more than that night 6 years ago and shes never felt a pain so profound that it goes all the way to her bones; shes sitting on the floor crying and she feels so ridiculous for thinking this but shes looking at the spot where the wall meets the floor and she realises she didn’t paint it very well

[fedtothenight]

East of Eden

This is the fourth and last (for now) instalment of paper stories, set, chronologically, before the events of the other stories.

#1 Paper Bodies #2 King of Hearts #3 The bumblebee doesn’t know #4 East of Eden

If you’d like support me, this is my ko-fi page. 

Warnings for this are homophobia, shitty parents, mention of past abuse, and mentions of (future) character death.

Summary: When his parents walk in on him and Leonardo, Dario doesn’t know that this is only the first domino to fall, in a long chain of events that will last years.

EAST OF EDEN

Prologue

The first time lost you, betrayal had the taste of cherries and the colour of blood and the warmth of the sun at the end of June and the endless hours of the longest day of the year. It was 2009. I could not know that yet, but these hours would become weeks, then months and finally years, in an endless solstice. Even now, now that you're gone again, you linger on me, like smudged make-up on cheeks and sand on skin, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to wash you away forever.

*

When Ciccio opens the door to his house, he is only wearing Legea black shorts and a sleepy, confused expression. He makes room for him, keeping the door open, and gestures to come inside.

Almost five minutes ago, he called him and waited for three rings before he answered the phone. "Mate, it's two o'clock," he began, whiny, "what is it?"

He told him to open the door, because he was just outside. He also asked him for a towel and some ice, and Ciccio repeated to him, more worried now, "What’s going on?" He replied that he would tell him later, while his temple throbbed and the headache seemed to be splitting his skull in two, and Ciccio cursed, there was a rustle of sheets, and the line falling. His next message only said: "Don’t make any noise".

Now, he gestures to be quiet, his forefinger against his lips, and to take off his shoes. His eyes widen, focused on the encrusted blood that colours the left side of his face, but he doesn’t say anything. He goes to the kitchen and takes out a bag of frozen peas from the freezer, wrapping it in a kitchen towel taken from a drawer and being careful to close the drawer and the door gently, to make as little noise as possible.

Dario takes his Nike shoes off, and, pressing the bag to his temple, follows him up the stairs and then into his room at the end of the corridor. Ciccio yawns and, after closing the door slowly, lets himself fall onto the bed. "Then? What is that? What did you do to your face?"

Dario counts up to three, then to ten, until Ciccio repeats, "Mate, what the fuck happened?", in dialect, and he is staring at him worriedly, his bare forearms resting on his crossed legs.

Don’t throw up. "I can’t go home," Dario manages to say in spite of himself, and only halfway through the sentence he realises that his eyes are wet. That his throat is constricted, that it’s hard to swallow. He presses the frozen peas against the temple.

"Shit, mate, what the fuck did you get yourself into?" asks Ciccio.

While the weight on his chest becomes heavier, more oppressive, Dario manages to say: "Giulia's boyfriend." He breathes in and out, open-mouthed, quickly, shifting his gaze to the crumpled sheet at the foot of the bed, and adds: "I messed up. I hooked up with Leonardo.”

The first time was feverish, fast, with no opportunity for remorse and second thoughts. The second time, it was impulsive, a coincidence made possible by a missed appointment. The third time, however, was wanted, searched, studied, and so were the fourth, the fifth, and all the others, up to this. Until the last one.

Giulia remained motionless in front of them, her hand still clutching the door handle, for an indefinite number of seconds, victim and witness together. Even before he heard his father ask if he was in his room, or heard his steps nearing, the realisation came, with a clarity that comes only in hindsight, that they should have stopped after the first time, when it could still be one mistake and not the umpteenth. Or, anyway, that they should have paid more attention, as to hear the noise of the car parking outside, the keys in the lock, and the first steps into the house.

And soon after, his father was at the door, and he looked at them, and he said nothing, nothing, nothing. He looked at him, at Leonardo, at their clothes discarded on the ground - the socks, the t-shirts, the shorts, the pairs of jeans - and then up to their naked bodies. A part of him knew he should begin to feel the panic grow, swallow him down. He knew he was supposed to say, "It’s not what it looks like," and find an excuse, and ask for forgiveness. But it was exactly as it seemed.

And then Giulia asked, her voice just a peep, "What does this mean?"

And that's how Dario, instead of asking for forgiveness, or crying, or finding an excuse, began to laugh, and said, in perfect Italian, “It means that your boyfriend is a fag."

When he opens his eyes, the sun filters through the curtains and Ciccio is still asleep beside him. For a long second, he watches him sleep and wonders, confused, still sleepy, why he is here and not at home, not in his bed, not with...

And the memories resurface. Not like ancient shipwrecks, not like treasures: they resurface like corpses pushed to the shore by the waves. The cut on his eyebrow hasn’t bled for hours, the bag of frozen peas is back in its place in the freezer and the towel is in the dirty laundry, but when he touches his temple it feels swollen, still painful.

He remembers stumbling as he ran down the stairs, cutting his right eyebrow open, and, before that, that his father had begun to scream, but that he had not been able to take his eyes off Giulia's betrayed expression, from her gaze following Leonardo's movements as he got dressed, with her hands clasped on her mouth; he remembers the pleasure that followed, for a short, intense moment, and remembers Leonardo, his fear-stricken face, as if he had been caught committing a crime, as if, unmoving at the door, there wasn’t his girlfriend - the girl he had cheated on, over and over again, with her own brother - but something far more terrifying, as if she were the executioner and not the victim.

He checks the phone. There are thirteen missed calls and five unread messages.

One and forty-three minutes, Leonardo: I'm sorry

One and forty-three minutes, Leonardo: I 'm home

One and forty-seven minutes, Leonardo: I can’t go inside

One and forty-seven minutes, Leonardo: theyre gonna kill me

One and fifty-eight minutes, Leonardo: I'm going in, I'll call you back

The calls were from his parents and one from his neighbours, up until three in the morning. Only one from Leonardo, at one thirty-seven, and then nothing else. And only then does Dario go to the bathroom to throw up.

The retching has just hinted to stop when Ciccio knocks and, without waiting for an answer, enters the bathroom to crouch beside him and offer him a glass of cold water. "My mom made coffee and we have a piece of ice cream cake, if you’d like."

Dario pulls the toilet cover down once more, then drags himself back, until he can lean his bare back against the wall. He accepts the water, nodding, and takes a sip. "I'm not hungry."

"You also need to get your head checked. We'll take you to the hospital if you want."

"I'm fine," says Dario.

"Sure doesn’t look like that, mate."

"I don’t even need stitches," insists Dario. He places the glass on the floor, his back bare cooling  down against the wall. He stretches his legs. "I'm fine. I'm just a little nauseous."

Against all his hope, Ciccio doesn’t leave the bathroom. He flops down, crossing his legs, and, for an indefinite number of seconds, keeps opening his mouth and then closing it again.

At one point, Dario begins to count, managing to get to seventy-first before Ciccio finally says, "So..."

Here we go. "So," he echoes.

"When you say you hooked up with Leonardo," the other says slowly, "what do you mean exactly?"

Dario turns his gaze from the corner of the floor behind Ciccio’s head, which he was staring intensely at since the beginning of the conversation, and turns to stare at his friend in the eye, without batting an eyelid. "What do you think I mean?"

Ciccio is absently scratching his arm, like he always does when he is nervous, before an oral test, or when Juventus is playing. Like that time, during the first year of high school, they were discovered skipping classes, seen by an old friend of his father's, a council employee enjoying his nth break at a cafe. Out of the blue, it comes back to mind now. The employee had seen him by chance in the town square, directed to the park, he had said, to himself, is that Tano’s son? He had called his father to tell him Tano, listen to his, your son his not in school, I saw him at the square.

When they went to Ciccio’s house for lunch, his mother Lella was waiting for them; she asked him, How was school today?, and Ciccio knew immediately that they were in trouble, or at least suspected, because he started to scratch himself exactly as he is doing now, his short and strong nails ruthless on his dry skin. That time, Lella then added, Dario, go back home, I already talked to your mother, and he and Ciccio, stupid and melodramatic, exchanged the look of two old soldiers called to two different fronts, ready to never see each other again. They did see each other again, obviously. With two swollen cheeks, and their dignity a bit chipped, after the slaps - and, for Dario, a dose of wooden spoon - from their mothers, but they saw each other.

He never thought that one day he would be the cause of this tic; he always believed that he would be there to give him a light slap on his arm, telling him, Stop scratching yourself.

Ciccio shrugs. "Mate, what the fuck should I know."

"I received the membership card just a few weeks ago,” Dario answers, after a moment. “The bureaucracy is long, but they finally accepted my request to join the party."

Ciccio hides his face in his hands. For a long, terrible second, he’s afraid that he’s finally made him lose patience - he fears that he has finally turned him away, that he is about to tell him, I don’t feel comfortable, mate, to tell him to leave because he is not friends with fags. Then, however, he sees Ciccio’s shoulders jerk one, two, three times, and realises, with amazement, that Ciccio is barely holding back a laugh. He seems to give up, because it turns loud, vaguely hysterical, as he runs his hands through his hair and finally joins them as if in prayer and, rolling his eyes, says, "Mate, that’s the issue," and shakes his head, "’s not that you’re gay, it’s that you’re an asshole."

Later, sitting at the table, Ciccio asks him, So? and Dario finally decides to answer him seriously. Still with a little nausea, he takes in a deep breath, and explains: I also like girls. It seems such an abstruse concept, to Ciccio, who frowns, rubs his fingers on his forehead, seems to focus on the question as he would with an equation he cannot solve. He is trying to adapt, Dario realises, as do people and animals in adverse conditions, to reconcile the friend he has known for a lifetime, who used to draw Dragon Ball characters during history class, with whom he plays table football at the bar, with this new person; the life he knows and the one he is discovering, imagining now: who knows if he is thinking about their childhoods, when they used the common showers after the swimming lessons, if he is trying to focus on the memory to find some furtive glances going a bit too low, some misplaced looks. Who knows if he's analysing all his movements, the way his wrist bends when he sips his coffee, or the nonchalant gesture when he fixes his hair, if he's considering his choices in fashion, to find something, a clue, a nod, that he, the friend he believed to know deep down, is a person who is new to him. “But is it possible to like boys and girls?”

“It is.”

“But then you’re not gay-gay. Like, you’re 50% bent. A flexible contract gay. Wait, can I say bent? Queer? How do you call it then? Bisexual?”

In his mind, Dario repeats the word: bi, bisex, bisexual. Bisexual. He savours it slowly, tests its consistency, its quality, its cut, as he would with a mouthful of tender meat, bites it, lets it melt on his tongue. What do they call it, he wonders, when you like girls, but you also hook up with your sister's boyfriend? Faggot? Bent? Bisexual? Traitor? Judas?

Ciccio clears his voice. “Isn’t it weird that he’s also hooked up with your sister, though?"

"He hasn’t," Dario replies. "He doesn’t like women at all. He said to her that he wanted to ‘be serious’, so they have never done anything. "

"Ah, so he's gay-gay, 100% it,” considers the other. Then, he grimaces. "But why him, honestly?"

How to explain it to him that it couldn’t have been anyone else but him? That it was never a choice? So, unable to do anything else, he just nods. Ciccio shakes his head, comments, with a half-laugh, "Fuck, mate, you Cain," but, at least, he has stopped scratching his arm.

The day he and Ciccio skipped classes, when his cheek still burned with pain and humiliation, he was in the dining room, his fists clenched at his sides, and his mother was still screaming, "How is it possible that you don’t even go to school, on top of not studying?! Why do we even bother to buy your books? Why do we bother to pay for private tutoring?” until she finally shouted, “Can you not be at least a little bit like your sister?!”

Giulia stood at the doorframe, as she often did when their mother scolded him. He always wondered, if only to himself, if she did so because she was afraid that she’d eventually be asked to join the tirade, like it happens in school, when the teacher has already called another classmate to the blackboard and, yet, all others remain alert, on guard, worried that the teacher could ask them a question and catch them unprepared. Or if she did because, subconsciously, somewhere inside her, she felt a certain satisfaction in knowing that she would never be at the receiving end of the scolding: she was the mature child, the smart one, polite and respectful, who went to sleep at the right time and didn’t talk back at her parents or teachers, who brought home only grades like: good distinguished and excellent. If she did it because she enjoyed it a little to see the proof that, between the two, she was, and had always been, the best twin.

The day he did càlia con Ciccio, and skipped school, Dario eventually screamed back to his mother, "Maybe it would have been better if only she had been born, right?" He continued, "You're a shitty mother, because you've always preferred her and we all know that," and she remained, for a long minute, too stunned to answer, as he turned to his sister and, against her, he finally shouted, "At least admit that you're here because enjoy to see her mad at me!”

Only then did his mother give it to him with a wooden spoon, wherever she could catch him, while he tried to wriggle away. A blow for every time he did not apologise to Giulia: one on the back of the right thigh, "How can you say such a thing about your sister?!" then on the ass, "Tell her you’re sorry!", one on the side of his legs, "You’re a disgrace!”, two blows behind the knees.

Now, he is sitting next to Leonardo on a bench in the farthest corner of the town's park – the gardens, away from indiscreet looks, from the families in the playground, and Leonardo has a bad bruise on his left cheek which Dario tries not to let his gaze linger on.

(He left Ciccio's house only after receiving a text message from Leonardo. It only said, Let's meet at the gardens in half an hour. After some hesitation, he also texted his mother, warning her that he will return home in the afternoon. She hasn’t replied yet. )

“Your neighbour, Accountant Salemi, knew that my father would react badly," Leonardo is telling him. "He knows him. He remembered that my father was not exactly open-minded, you know. So, he brought me and demanded to come inside with me. Your mother had already called them. I didn’t even want to go in – took a lot of convincing."

Dario swallows. "What will you do with your parents now?"

"Another year," answers Leonardo. "Another year, and I'll leave this town. They told me that they will let me finish high school.” He looks down at his clasped hands. "I have written to Giulia that I am sorry,” he adds, “that it’s not her fault, and that I will disappear from your lives. That I won’t even see you again, if not at school.” His voice shakes, and his eyes are red, and Dario thinks, Tell him, give him a culprit, but the words get stuck in his throat, and Leonardo is saying, “It’s going to get better,” he’s saying, “I will move abroad, and it will get better,” and he holds back the tears, looks at him, asks him, “Right?”

Tell him, Dario thinks. Tell him the truth. Instead, he replies, "It will. It will be better.”

"We couldn’t know that they’d be back early," Leonardo says. "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault."

Dario inhales, exhales, thinks, We could. I could. Thinks, Tell him.

"No," he says instead faintly, "It's nobody's fault."

Despite everything, Leonardo smiles at him, sniffling, and intertwines his fingers with his. With his thumb, he draws invisible lines on the palm of his hand. Presses gently. It almost seems like the park - the flashes of green divided by small pathways, the slides, the swings, no more than old chains left to rust - the sky, the burning sun, the sultry, suffocating air, the whole town with its corners and construction sites and post-war schools, do not disappear, exactly, but flow into that gesture, that the matter and the universe are shrinking, contracting there where the palms of their hands touch, that it all finds space inbetween their fingers, that this, only this, has meaning, that only this exists. If only we could stay like this, Dario thinks, if only this moment could be prolonged for days, months, years, or remain still, immortalised in an indefinite point in time, like a picture or a portrait. He thinks that if this is the end, if tomorrow there will be two strangers inhabiting two bodies that of each other know smell, taste, edges and weaknesses, then, as long as he is allowed, he might as well hold his hand for some more time, and then some more, and then some more. Until, from their fingers, the matter expands again, returns to being grass and oxygen and the concrete of the walls, creating a universe in which they are two different and new people. Like two set of rails intersecting before they branch off again in two different directions. He allows himself to have this, before tomorrow comes, before Leonardo stops knowing him as the boy who’s loved him, at least somehow, at least somewhat, who has given him his body, in some way, and recognises him as the one who’s ruined his life.

In third grade, it was already clear that Giulia was much brighter than him. Or that, at least, she was much more gifted that he was and would ever be. What was simple calculations for her, for him meant long, pointless afternoons spent, after school, doing and redoing the same maths exercises. When she had already learned all the multiplication tables, he still had difficulty learning the six table, struggling to remember six by eight?, six by nine?. One evening, his mother spent three hours trying to get him to learn a paragraph of history on the Etruscans; at the end of the day, her sister was busy reading the first book she’s been given, Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone.

While she was building case and school diary walls not to let her desk mate snoop and encouraged the competitiveness with another girl named Silvia, the second best in the class, who for five years would wear mustard-coloured hair and a pair of blue-framed glasses and, for five years, would be the only one to suffer the academic excellence of her sister more than him, he was sitting at the teacher’s desk, punished because he would stand and talked without permission with his best mate, Ciccio.

One day, when he was eight, he found a white board attached to the fridge. He would remember for years that he kept watching the words next to his name and his sister's: in her row, a series of  distinguished distinguished distinguished very good, and below, in his row, his sufficient scarce not very good, his failures lined up next to each other. The board would remain hanging for years, taunting him, a constant reminder of his lacking.

He would also remember another time, a few weeks later. Their teacher Carlotta - who knew of her mother's efforts to improve his grades - had sighed looking at his math exercises and had told him that she wouldn’t grade him, this time, provided that he’d try and redo the exercises. During the break, he had copied an excellent from the notebook of his desk mate, being careful to the curve of the o, to the straight lines of the t. Once home, he left the notebook open on the kitchen table and went to wash his hands before lunch, expecting, upon his return, to find his mother ready to congratulate him. Once back from the bathroom, he heard his sister say: Mum, Dario cheated! He wrote the grade himself. That evening, he wrote: Who acts like a spy is not child of a Mary’s, not a child of Jesus, and when they die they go down there, in Giulia's school diary, and his mother spanked him for that as well.

At home, he thinks, Scream. Shout that you hate me. That you do not want me at home anymore. Shout that I am a shame, a shit son, a disgrace. Tell me to go away. But they don’t scream; they say: "The heart wants what it wants,” and his mother puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing, "We don’t love you any less, okay?", but she doesn’t look at him in the eyes at all, her eyes pinned on the doily under the vase of fake flowers.

Matter doesn't retract: matter remains motionless, like a still life painting. It doesn’t change anything, they tell him, we don’t love you any less, but he knows it's not true: he knows that it's another crack in an already chipped, worthless vase. He is laid bare, yet, opposed to how it felt in front of Leonardo and in front of Ciccio, he doesn’t feel anything, not shame nor fear nor anger. Within himself, this awareness creeps in: the reason his parents are not screaming, are not cataloguing this  one as another of his failures, it is that they know it is not his fault. This is not him not studying. They are educated, open minded enough to think: he was born that way, and then, if it’s not the result of a wrong education, of a lesson imparted badly, or not imparted at all, it’s not their fault, either. And, suddenly, they are redeemed. But he sees it all the same, this day lined up on the board next to his bad grades.

They encourage him and his sister to talk, in her bedroom. Sitting next to each other on her bed, on the Harry Potter duvet cover their parents bought her for Christmas, her with her arms folded, curled forward as if she had a stomachache, his legs slightly apart, his shoulders slumped.

Just like his mother didn’t look at him, he doesn’t look at his sister, his twin. He does not look up from the floor, even when Giulia asks him, "How many times?"

"I don’t know," he answers honestly. "Many. For quite some time."

And Giulia mumbles, "We haven’t had sex.” I know, Dario thinks. He told me. But then she adds, quoting her mother with bitterness. “The heart wants what it wants, right? Maybe I should have understood that. And I accept it. I thought about it and I accept it, you know, because I know you can’t do anything about it. I forgive you."

Anger builds and is blinding. He sees what his sister is doing: if she can forgive him, then she too is redeemed. The heart wants what it wants. But his heart is not the part of the body that made him fuck Leonardo. If it has to be his heart, though, and not of his brain or his hormones, it’s not the piece of it that belongs to Leonardo, but the one that overflows with everything he feels towards her.

And that's how he says it, with a perverse twinge of pleasure when it takes her breath away. “I don’t love him," he says, turning to look at her. "I lied to him, when I told him that I did, because I do feel something for him, yeah, but it's not love. I did because of you."

Giulia's light olive skin has turned so pale that it looks yellowish, sick. "What do you mean?”

So, finally, he says it. After years, he release the resentment gathered at bottom of his stomach, twisted around his guts like a snake.

“One year, we were on holiday at the seaside, in Calabria,” he begins, "the hotel entertainer made us compete – who would build the best sand castle. We were probably around six. I had even forgotten all about it, until last year, while I was looking for a photo of me and Ciccio in primary school, and I saw a picture of you smiling next to your sand castle and.  I remembered that you told me to get closer to the waves, to use the wettest, most malleable sand. This way, you don’t have to go back and forth, you said to me. Then, a stronger wave hit my castle full on, and you won."

Giulia exhales, "I’m not following you."

Her slender legs, half-covered by a pair of shorts, are shaking. For anger, frustration or sadness, he cannot figure it out. And, not surprisingly, he doesn’t care. He opens himself up, sinking the knife as deep as possible. It’s not enough for him to be bare: after years of silence, he feels the need to eviscerate himself, like hunters do with their prey. He is one and the same.

“I asked myself, ten years later, if you had said that on purpose. In the end, I had nothing, but you had won. Mom barely had time to take that picture before I destroyed your castle out of spite. And it has always been this way, all this time. You've always been,” he concludes, taking a deep breath, driving the knife in, in, in, "the best child. If there was one thing that I could finally take away from you, that I could take, I would do it. I wanted him, and I wanted you to see, sooner or later, he was mine, that in spite of all your victories, him I won easily. "

Giulia's sobs are the only thing that fills the silence of the room. She shudders, and it is an ugly cry, not like the ones in the movies, and he only feels even more frustration, listening to her whining. Here they are, next to each other, twins so similar in appearance and yet totally different, in character, interests, choices.

It’s as if they are not siblings at all, albeit tied by the same genes, by the same blood. They are dust twins, already swept away; ash twins, nothing but what remains of something that has gone up in smoke; sand twins, because sand is fine, crumbly, weak, and nothing made it of it survives for long. Footprints don’t last, castles don’t hold up.

Like sand, he imagines her crumbling down, grain after grain. And he doesn’t feel anything. If we are made of sand, a part of him thinks, if we are weak by nature, crumbly, almost insubstantial, maybe it's more bearable to know that you have destroyed a person. Or, the contrary, that you have let someone destroy you.

When Giulia finally speaks, her words are slurry for the tears. "I did it on purpose, the castle thing,” she says. “And I liked when Mum screamed at you. Not get out."

The first time was impulsive, and, at the same time, it was not at all. Maybe that's how a murderer feels, before committing his first crime: the last moments of hesitation before sinking the knife into the flesh, or wrapping his hands around a neck, or pulling the trigger.

He was alone at home, on a Saturday night Giulia had gone out with their parents and he had refused to go out with them and their relatives and be bored for an entire night (a decision that had, however, caused a long quarrel). Leonardo rang the doorbell, apologising for the time. "I have to leave Giulia’s Latin notebook here," he explained, "she needs it for Monday."

He opened the gate, then the door of the house, he let him in and went back to the sofa, vaguely pointing to his sister's room. "Go ahead," he told him, getting comfortable again.

He was sipping a beer as he watched the game, and when Leonardo returned to the living room, he also offered one to him. Leonardo raised his eyebrows. "Are your parents okay with this?"

"My parents don’t have to know, do they?" he replied.

Leonardo accepted the beer with a nod and sat next to him, his legs apart enough that their knees would touch, from time to time, and seemingly focused on the game. He moved them imperceptibly, close and open again; after long minutes spent commenting on the match under his breath, Leonardo's right knee stopped, pressed against his.

Suddenly, it became all Dario was able to focus on. The alcohol had made him pleasantly relaxed. Nevertheless, that touch, the almost non-existent rubbing of such a tiny part of their bodies now become a constant and present pressure, seemed to burn every vein and capillary, like fire spreads along gas lines.

He had noticed, and for quite some time, that Leonardo was attractive. Even before that, he had realised, albeit with reluctance and resignation, that he could find beauty in men. He could not understand, however, if the other was unaware of what was raging inside him, or if he was just polite enough to ignore it – to ignore the way his breathing faltered a bit in feeling his leg against his.

Dario recalled all those times they had spent time together because of Giulia: it’d seem, sometimes, that he could catch Leonardo looking at him intently, his gaze roaming down his body. He recalled that time he complimented his drawings, the way he squeezed his shoulder and let his hand slip down his shoulders before he pulled back. He catalogued the the curses and sighs he sometimes caught in school, in response to homophobic jokes, wondering for the first time if were angry rather than resigned.

Is it possible? Dario suddenly wondered. He pushed his knee against his, and Leonardo did not pull back: he swallowed, leaning forward to leave his beer on the table, and then bent his elbows back, letting them rest on the back of the couch. The game was just a background noise now, and Dario, both for the alcohol and the thrill triggered by the uninterrupted, burning physical contact, leaned forward and rested a hand on Leonardo’s thigh. Leonardo jerked, his hand flew to cover his, as if to stop him. He didn’t stop him, though. The long, electric seconds before he leant forward and kissed him were like a glass trinket dangling back and forth for a long moment before shattering on the floor. They kissed. Then they fumbled with their jeans and did more than that.

Did he have a choice? Could it be someone else, if not him? If he had not been his sister's boyfriend, would he have acted the same? Since Leonardo was cheating on his sister in the first place, would that erase Dario’s guilt? He would never love him, he knew that, because to love him would mean giving away the last piece of him that he had left for himself. The one not saved for his parents, his sister, Ciccio and the rest of his friends, for all those people who seemed to demand even more pieces of him, to store away like religious relics or to chew and spit out.

In the end, he decided to lie, to say I love you to Leonardo. He convinced himself that, perhaps, it’s easier to accept that someone has has hurt us, if they did so by mistake, by loving us imperfectly. Then, perhaps, Leonardo would have forgiven him.

He sleeps for long hours, and when he wakes up, the sun is finally setting. It is a mistake to head down to the kitchen for a glass of water. He stops behind the wall, hearing his parents whisper. His mother is saying, "Maybe this is the cause of his uneasiness, as a child," and the nausea comes back, ruthless. He fights the urge to retch as he retracts in his room like a wounded animal and sits on the bed. Discomfort. Cheater. Bisexual. Brother. Twin. Ciccio’s words, his sarcastic tone, you're a Cain, mate, echo in his mind, and he grabs the laptop. With the laptop fan as background noise, he opens a Google tab.

It was just Giulia that was supposed to come back early yesterday. Just her, accompanied  by a family friend’s daughter. This is what her text said. Just her. She would see with her own eyes that her boyfriend wanted him, that at least one thing, only one, was his, and his alone, and he would have his payback, and Leonardo, the cheater, would be a victim and an accomplice together, and perhaps he would feel the guilt, sure, but not forever, not for long, not enough to make his breath stutter. Their parents would be left out of the equation. Giulia would have been too ashamed to ever say anything

Dario couldn’t know, then, that his mother had had food poisoning. He couldn’t know that his parents and Giulia would come back together early, that they would walk up the stairs, that they would open the door and find them together, that his mother would call Leonardo’s parents and tell them the truth, convinced of doing the right thing.

Dario couldn’t know that the Accountant would have to drive Leonardo home and protect him from his own father, and that the Accountant’s wife, that old gossip, would spread the details of the fight, of the family fight, of the seemingly perfect son with only one fatal flaw, poor thing, to an entire town.

Years later, Dario would smoke a cigarette outside the church of their town and think, It was me. I pushed the first domino. He would sit cross-legged in front of a grave - a grave with no epitaph, just with a name, a date of birth and one of death - and he would whisper, crying, You promised me that I would never see you again, and then, lying on this same bed, staring at the ceiling, he would imagine to go back to years and years prior, to fix everything.

Years later, Dario would imagine to read Giulia’s text, the one that said I’m coming back home tonight, not tomorrow, and warn Leonardo, tell him they would meet another time, no problem, instead of leaving his phone in the hall and pretend, for the years that followed, that he had never read that text.

Years later, Dario would imagine to make a different choice, to give Leonardo a future, to give him a better chance at life. Perhaps, had he not let his bittern win, if that afternoon, a lifetime ago, he had cancelled their plans, perhaps Leonardo wouldn’t have fought his father. Perhaps he would have not moved abroad.

Maybe, Dario would think on July 1st, 2015, Leonardo would have been alive, happy, and with him. Perhaps, then, their hands could have been joined for some more time, and some more, and some more, fingers intertwined in a different universe.

He would wonder how many people he had hit with one decision.

He would think that it would have been enough to save one.

But he can’t know that now. At the end of the longest of the year, in 2009, Dario recalls Ciccio’s words and looks up Cain on Google.

Gently touching his sore eyebrow, he reads, for the first time, about the story of the two brothers from Genesis, of Cain, who killed Abel for envy, and was condemned by God to wander, a restless wanderer on the earth, with a mark on the forehead, until he settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ok a more specific prompt, coffee shop au with Malec and claia 😌

this is nowhere near specific and you damn well know it, anon. i appreciate u trying to find an excuse to throw coffee shop aus everywhere, tho. keep doing the lord's work even if i will inevitably twist the prompt

Magnus works at a small, local coffee shop as a barista. It's not exactly his #1 job choice, but it pays better than big chain coffee shops and he needs that to pay rent now that he officially left his abusive father's home for good. Also, he is kind of a coffee enthusiast and the owner, Ragnor, lets him go wild with making up new drinks and ingredients, as long as he still does his job.

All in all it's a good job and he considers the old fart and the other barista, maia, to be like family. Ragnor frequently gives them coffee and Maia constantly teases him about being a "coffee scientist" whenever she catches him thoughtfully drinking from a cup and scribbling notes on his notepad, like some ancient being

His recipes are good, though, and he knows exactly where to get the best coffee beans for the best price. So their drinks are good, affordable, and can please everyone from the traditional "black coffee no sugar" exec to the teenager who wants more of a milkshake than actual coffee

As a result, the shop thrives, gets more popular, and gets more clients. So Ragnor decides to hire a new barista to help. Because he's secretly a sweetheart, he ends up hiring this broke college kid who just moved into town to get away from his kinda toxic family and has nowhere to go - and also doesnt have a single ounce of experience as a barista

It's not surprising; both Magnus and Maia share similar stories, with some abusive exes to spice up the mix, not to mention racism, biphobia, and, in Magnus case, male behavior standarts keeping most opportunities closed for them. So they're cool with that. Even if it means Magnus will have to be the one to teach him, because 1- Ragnor is a dick and assigned him to be Alec's special "tutor" as retribution for Magnus calling him "an old, heart of butter bastard"; 2- he's the one who's best qualified to teach him since he knows a lot about coffee and coffee making anyway; 3- Maia has no patience

Quick detour just to say that i love the maia/magnus brotp opportunities this gives. While Magnus is more of a coffee scientist as she puts it, Maia has an almost instictive understanding of drink making. Where Magnus is soft, she's fierce, and they make one hell of a team and are good at balancing one another. They bond over their experiences with abuse; while Magnus' has made him afraid to put his foot down and say what he wants and prioritize himself, Maia's has made her particularly wary of people and even less willing to take anyone's bullshit, and both of these coping mechanisms have their own effects on their psyche, and they're able to talk openly to each other about it. Maia is kind of protective of Magnus and vice-versa, though the way they protect each other is very different. They have an easy companionship and bantering dynamic that's easygoing and cute, theyre both passionate about their interests (Maia loves marine biology and even if Magnus doesnt know much about it he loves listening to her talk about it) and just generally have that kind of relationship where just smiling at each other makes a tough day seem lighter. Also Magnus loves making Maia laugh. Maia blatantly refuses to laugh at any of his self-deprecating jokes, tho, which has considerably diminished the amount of times he makes them

Anyway Alec comes in for his first day and Magnus is like [REDACTED] because shit this man is cute. Maia notices immediately and from then on the teasing doesn't stop

He's quick to recover, tho, and suddenly he's all smooth again (Maia says he's perfected his customer service persona to horror movie levels), quick to introduce himself and Maia to Alec and explain that he'll be training Alec for the next few weeks or so. He gives him a tour of the shop, explains the basics, and immediately launches into his slightly extra More Serious Than Strictly Necessary course on the makings and workings of coffee, from bean selection to ideal temperature and the chemistry behind the cooking.

This absolute dork even had a small table with some coffee made from different kinds of beans so Alec could taste them and learn the difference and Engage with the profession or some shit

Maia just rolls her eyes, thankful that she had prior experience before getting this job and didnt have to go through this

The first thing he learns about Alec: Alec doesn't like coffee. This is not a setback. Many people dont like coffee, but that's because they're used to regular powdered coffee instead of making it from the bean. Because the beans in powdered coffee arent previously selected, they are roasted harder than they should, so any beans that might have gone bad wont spoil the taste or make you sick. As a result, the coffee is way too bitter and doesn't have a discernible taste. He explains all of this enthusiastically to a slightly overwhelmed Alec, and gets on to making him try the samples so he can feel the difference.

Here's the second thing he learns about Alec: Alec doesn't feel the difference

Despair. Horror. Offense.

Alec even kind of chuckles and goes "sorry" at the face he makes, and a not-pouting Magnus goes on with the planned explanation on bean selection

Third thing he learns about Alec: he's a quick study. Everything he lacks in sensibility to the amazing world of bean juice, he makes up for in his careful attentiveness to the instructions. He is also a strict recipe-follower and makes sure he always uses the exact amounts required. He's an absolute perfectionist. He listens to Magnus' explanations on how to know if the taste is right, to look for color and texture of the mix. Magnus tries his simple coffees and only needs a few corrections to send him on the right path

The first time Alec makes him something more complicated to try (per his request) Magnus wants to die

It's so good

Scratch that, it's perfect

This soulless motherfucker doesn't even like coffee and this is the single best version of whatever crazy frapuccino shit they're making magnus has ever tried

He kind of bursts from the kitchen (?) all like MAIA YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS just in time to interrupt her chatting with this redhead new customer with shiny eyes. Maia is leaning all the way across the counter. What is this

Maia agrees that it's very good but again he's not as passionate about coffee and Magnus just interrupted what would have been a really smooth number-giving move so she's not feeling all that generous

Alec just laughs at that. His eyes are shining with amusement and he's very, very pleased that Magnus likes his stuff

It's not a big secret, really; mixing drinks is kind of like patisserie in the sense that the measures need to be exact to achieve the best taste and texture. He follows the recipe to a fault, it turns out good. That's why he's better at the more complicated, instagram-y drinks than the simple coffee types

Alec "graduates" his training pretty soon after that and Ragnor is very pleased

He gets along well with both Magnus and Maia, even if he's more quiet and sometimes catches himself just laughing at the two of them interact; their friendship is something else. But he also gets to hear a "shut up" from Maia after not saying absolutely anything when the redhead walks in again the very next day

The redhead always comes in a little late in the morning, so its always slow. As a result, they get to pretend to be minding their own business as they hear the two of them chat and oof is the romantic tension between them something. Maia glares at them once the girl - Clary - leaves every time, but it doesn't stop them

Soon Maia is calling them "no-good gossiping grandmas" because of the way Magnus and Alec will go to the back and pretend to be making something while they keep a whispered running commentary on what the girls are talking about. This quickly turns into some sort of race to see who can make the other break and laugh out loud. Neither of them ever do (they are trying to be discreet and Maia would kill them) but oftentimes they need to cover their mouths with their hands and playfully slap each other for the teasing

Clary doesn't even realize she's the reason; she kind of just thinks they are constantly flirting on the back and briefly wonders how they havent been fired when all they do is whisper and make eyes at each other

Not that she has any room to talk when she's late to work everyday because she keeps cracking jokes with the cute curly haired barista with the most beautiful lopsided smile who always makes her laugh and tells her about her day while she drinks her coffee. She's lucky her work starts at 10 so she can go in a little later and doesnt have to be there during rush hours, but still

She doesnt even like coffee, she walked in one day cuz she was really tired and then just kept coming in the hopes that the barista would make a move on her (shes not gonna do it herself, at least not in her workplace. She doesn't want to make her uncomfortable and it's still unclear whether the girl is flirting or if shes just really nice)

At some point she and Maia even start sharing knowing looks to Alec and Magnus and laughing at them. They don't even notice, because their designated Making Fun Of Maia time turned into just cracking jokes at each other way too quickly. They don't even remember there are other people there

Maia does finally ask clary out eventually. She wasn't exactly nervous about doing it, it's more that she enjoyed their little routine. But enough is enough, and when their routine starts involving Clary giving her a quick kiss before placing her order, well, it just makes it better

Magnus and Alec coo every time

Eventually Maia snaps all like "why are you guys the one poking fun at me when im the one who made a move instead of being a coward"

Magnus is all like "Whatever could she possibly mean??"

It dawns on him when hes closing up the next day and Alec has already left. He has a crush on Alec. Oh god. Oh fuck

Maia helpfully says "idiot" and leaves

Some Magnus being very nervous and overthinking his relationship with Alec who's all like ???????? about this

Alec goes to his sister about his new crush who suddenly started acting weird and izzy is all like "stop trying to guess what he's thinking because you're terrible at this. Just tell them how you feel" and Alec is like okay

He asks Magnus out

Everyone is happy and gay idk the end

✨ feel free to use this and any other one of my posts as a prompt ✨

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[v-le]

Ktravels/Klife: Halfway through it all / 첫 학기 끝 !

Foreword: I am almost done! I am almost done with my first semester at Yonsei… damn.

I honestly cannot believe that time flew by so fast. I’ve mentioned this before, but I had been thinking about studying abroad for over a year before coming here. And now that I am about halfway through with this experience… damn, I just have no words. Jk I do, which is why I’m writing this right now lol.

My favorite parts about Korea so far: it is my emotional, musical wonderland. More on that later, but… it’s heart-warming to hear so many of my favorite, treasured artists occasionally on the streets or in a café. And no, not K-pop lol I know nothing about K-pop anymore. In terms of café culture, it’s a love and hate relationship because some of them are just so expensive sigh. BUT, after going to so many different cafes like all around Seoul, I have come to actually have specific preferences for what constitutes a gr8 café (for studying specifically bc that’s all my friends and I mostly do at cafes anyway LOL) hehe:

AFFORDABLE!! No normal person should be paying like 7 or 8 bucks for a goddamn coffee. Base price for drinks should be around 5,000 won. If their iced caramel macchiato costs more than 5,500 won, the place is too expensive.  If it’s less than 5,000 won,

Reasonable cup sizes! Or better, LARGE ONES! (안녕, 낯선 사람 in hongdae has some super bang-for-your-buck coffee drinks, the best I’ve seen!! :^))

Music that isn’t too loud

OUTLETS. OUTLETS ARE A MUST.

Plentiful seats so that it’s never too packed & large-enough tables

Nice temperature (aka not too cold in the winter, not too hot in the summer)

You can sneak in outside food & eat it blatantly even if there are signs saying not to, and no one will ever say anything

Not too crusty: cozy, but clean

A nice, well-maintained bathroom

It may seem impossible to find the perfect café that could meet all of these expectations, but honestly there are just SO many cafes in seoul, that if you search hard enough or have enough luck, some will be out there somewhere :^)

ALSO can I address the business turnover rate here?? Is this why Seoul is considered a fast-paced city?? So many times, my friends I have tried to go to cafes or restaurants or stores we’ve seen online or found on Kakao/Naver Maps, only to arrive and discover that THEY’RE GONE. Even if I did thorough research and found a blog post of a place from 2 months prior, the place is just POOF, disappeared into thin air. This has literally happened countless times and we are flabbergasted each time LOL. As limited as the database of 맛집’s and cafes already is online, the Internet & maps can’t even keep up to date with information either. Businesses open up so randomly fast, too it’s crazy… Mangoplate, the supposed “yelp” of Korea honestly is not that useful either LOL it usually has places on the pricier side, it is also not always up to date, and I just feel like Seoul/Korea has way too many places & businesses worth trying that they can’t even all fit into one database. There are just so many of those un-documentable places. So I suggest: find a neighborhood, go with your friends, take a stroll around the place, and try to stumble upon a place of your liking. Unless you can read Korean & utilize naver blogs (slightly more extensive and useful than mangoplate but still not 100% reliable all the time), then walking around is probably your best bet rather than attempting to do research online. Trust me.

Hmm what else is there… It’s really nice to be able to get/buy anything pretty easily, with convenience. I am afraid I will get too used to this once I go back to the states.

I think once the work started to pick up later in the semester, I definitely started falling into a routine of going to my morning class & then leaving sinchon to run errands elsewhere in Seoul, or simply doing work in the business building which quickly became my go-to spot because 1) outlets, 2) can eat food 3) very nice facility, literally sparkling 4) on campus. It kinda hurts to think that this short-lived routine will be over quite soon, but maybe next semester will be a little more exciting.

Although I haven’t been speaking as much Korean as I would like to, I do feel like my Korean has improved to an extent: (very slightly) vocab-wise, reading-wise, and writing-wise. It is honestly SO refreshing to finally be learning Korean in a formal, classroom setting. It honestly makes me regret not doing it sooner. Why did I lock myself up in my room for 8 years and only settle for learning on my own?? Sigh, it’s okay. I can only get better from here, right? As much as I hate the timing of KLI, I still really do enjoy the class nonetheless and I feel some sort of… growth? I appreciate how all my background knowledge of Korean has helped me up to this point as well. That at least, I can be proud of lol.

With languages and culture in general, throughout the semester, for the first time ever, I got to reflect on how valuable languages are. It is so interesting; I’ll try my best to explain my realizations, but it might come out as gibberish in the end… I really think anyone that has been born & raised in the US should spend a prolonged amount of time abroad. As homogeneous of a society Korea is, being here has opened my eyes to the global society. The society in which multiculturalism is embraced, there is no one correct language of communication, and every member listens to the various cultural values of one another without judgement. I never thought of English as being a powerful language. In fact, I honestly think I have been taking English for granted. I have never realized the immensity of the English language, how the rest of the world vies to master it, and how I have been blessed to have grown up with English as my native tongue. But on the flip-side, learning other languages is just as worthwhile. Communicating in a different language is literally honing a different perspective, mentality, and set of values. You can try to translate target languages into your native tongue for ease of comprehension. Or, what I have come to deeply appreciate and understand is, you can and should take the target language as it is. In order to connect with the language and consequently the culture, stop thinking in terms of your native tongue. Doing this to a deeper extent in Korea than I ever did before has felt extremely rewarding: it makes the language dynamic and exciting to learn. It has led me to cherish specific words or phrases, more so than I already did before arriving here. And it really is just… beautiful. LEARN A SECOND LANGUAGE! EXPLORE GLOBALIZATION!

Quite frankly though, I am disappointed that I haven’t been able to go to as many places as I would like, within in Korea. Okay more like: I am super grateful for the gorgeous places I have been to, but I also wish I could’ve visited those classic, “must-see” places like Busan, Jeju-do, Jeonju, Daegu, etc. I did however, visit lesser known, less expecting (??) places like Gangwon-do (Jumunjin Beach, Gangmun Beach, Gangneung, Yeongwol, Jeongseon, Pyeongchang) & Gyeongju & like Anyang & Seongnam…? Do these last two even count LOL theyre just smoller cities outside of Seoul… but yeah, I guess I’ll just have to save Busan and Jeju and the others for next semester… when I’m not as broke hopefully lmao.

But forreals, I actually really appreciated my trip to Gangwon-do even though it was technically an assignment for one of my courses called “New Media and Digital Storytelling” (shoutout to prof ted for supporting us with this valuable experience!!) because it was literally a breath of fresh air. Seoul is constantly jampacked with people and cars and smog and noises, but Gangneung was still a city, still just as civilized, but much quieter. Granted, nothing much happens out there and some parts are straight up just farming grounds, but the beaches have these stunning sunsets that look like they’re straight out of a graphically-altered fantasy movie. It was stunning and the image still lasts behind my eyes to this day.

One of the other things that I have been struggling to accept is that fact that I feel… unproductive in life? I wish I put myself more out there this semester. Even though I met a good number of locals and have had a few valuable conversations, I never deeply connected with any of them. Plus, almost all of them are going abroad next semester or graduating ☹. I also did not join any clubs or organizations or sports teams nor did I get a job or an internship or do any tutoring or volunteering on the side… I have just been going to class, occasionally spending a lot of money, and then spending some more. Last year at UCI, I feel like I ran into my freshman year with a fiery heart: I joined the badminton team, became a part of the Antleader Mentorship Program (AMP, which I miss so dearly with all of my heart) in fall & winter quarter, and took all upper division education courses my spring quarter as well as fulfilled my fieldwork major requirement by tutoring at a Kindergarten class for 6 hours every week. But coming to Korea, everything felt stagnant. Academically, career-wise, I feel like everything has been on a pause. Granted, many people could tell me that “Oh, you just being in Korea is already so much more than you need! You are doing more than enough, don’t worry”. But am I really?? I beg to differ. I am honestly pretty disappointed in myself and at this point all I can push for is to try to get more involved next semester. It has also been hurting to know that I have been digging into my precious savings that took over 2 long years to build up so quickly :(.

SO yeah, as great as Korea has been, it’s also been money-draining and disappointing from a personal-growth kind of view. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but that is also simply my reality. I think I am also choosing to be hard on myself because my luck with all my favorite artists has just been… totally undeserving.

I feel so blessed and “but why me??” at the same time. I have gotten to see Roy Kim four times live (fifth time will be this coming Sunday; the Seoul shows were blessedly scheduled the weekend right before I leave) & he released a new song in September. Eddy Kim, whom ive been waiting 4 years for to come back, finally did so right in the middle of my time here. Fromm, my extremely beloved indie goddess for YEARS now, released a new mini album in November; I got to see her 3 times live, and even attended her breath-taking solo?? Alone?? Personal? 그냥 단독 콘서트. Sam Kim, who I first listened to when I was 15, who has saved my life so many times with his music, finally released a FULL-length album 2 years and 6 months since his debut EP. Not only was I selected to go to his album’s release showcase, but I also got to a meet him through a fansign event. Oh yeah, I also met Fromm through a free fansigning & Eddy Kim through his new album’s fansign event, too. (I will post about these artist-meeting experiences separately because I feel like these three occasions alone have taught me so much). I saw DAY6 live for their third-year debut anniversary and I could feel the immensity and sincerity brimming from their voices, especially with an unfortunately missing member from stage; I will be seeing them soon for their newest music release, which also happened to come out this December. Nam Woohyun of Infinite, the group that I gave my heart to for over a third of my life, the group that I owe so much of my existence to, released another solo mini album, and I was lucky enough to even attend day 3 of his solo concert series; I saw a few other members of Infinite, I could feel my 12-year-old heart screaming & flailing & crying & apologizing from within because I’ve missed them for so long now, and I even heard a never-before released track from him as well. It was a miracle; I saw Woohyun & glimpses of the others on November 4th. Almost exactly 5 years ago in 2013, on November 11th, I went to a concert for the first time in my life and saw those very own loves with my own eyes: Infinite.

ALL OF THESE. ALL OF THESE EVENTS. Have been a blessing. Have been some sort of indescribable, boundless, breath-taking stroke of luck. I promise you, just luck. Roy just somehow decided to take a break from school at Georgetown THIS semester. Eddy Kim, Fromm, Sam Kim, Woohyun, and DAY6 all just somehow decided to release new music within the last half of this year. ME, I, just somehow decided to study abroad not as a 3rd year nor a 4th year, but a mere 2nd year. I decided to leave my home university barely 1 year in, and go to Korea. Just because. Because it felt right and I knew I wanted to, I knew I had to. But never could I have predicted any of these things to happen. Never in a million years. The very artists that I had only been listening to and watching from my computer screen for years as I hid beneath the deep blankets of my bed, the artists that have made me cry on cue because of how beautiful, meaningful, and healing their music is, the artists that seem to barely exist on the Internet, that are so lowkey and precious that I feel like I am the only that really listens to and loves them, the very artists that make my world revolve, that push me to go on when I want to give up, that I owe so much of my life to, all decided to release music, suddenly be active, hold events, and meet their fans in one way or another. Right. When. I am here, too. This sort of timing in life is nothing I had control of. It was all luck and I am just so deeply, infinitely, perpetually, until the end of this world, thankful. Every day I am so thankful. I didn’t ask for any of this, I didn’t hope for it, I didn’t even think about the possibility of these events happening in my life. But they did somehow. And for that, I am just so so so grateful. It’s just crazy to think that years ago, as a sophomore in high school. My heart would bulge with immense affection for these people & their music. They were unreal, almost-fantasy-like existences that made life-saving music and that I cherished so immensely. But little did I know 4 or 5 years later, this could happen to me. That there was actually a worth to loving these almost “nobody” musicians. I just constantly feel like I am always receiving from them, and never giving back. I really do owe them so much. Thank you, to my beloved artists. For everything.

Moving on to the people that have made my first semester here at Yonsei even brighter: our dumbass squad consisting of lil hoorey, 왕언니 ana, smol laura, dumbass closted weaboo Wilson, & even dumber josh LOL I am so blessed to have met such funny, stupid, understanding friends. Before arriving to Korea, I was STRESSED that I wouldn’t be able to find friends because I hate alcohol, I hate clubbing, I hate mainstream K-pop and simply many parts of popular Korean culture are things that I am not particularly a fan of. But thankfully, I have found an endearing group of friends that share these same sentiments. These reliable people have honestly shaped so much of my experiences here and I am forever thankful. IT JUST SUCKS THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE STAYING FOR A YEAR LOL. But yes, thank you friends, for everything <3 .

Have I exhausted all of my thanks at this point?? Probably not. But I’ll save those for my own heart and mind to cherish. Going abroad was and has been and will be an experience that I don’t think I could ever properly express with words alone. I think it’s always like that when it comes to these rants LOLLL. I rant because I need to vent these feelings and emotions and flaring thoughts. But I just end up struggling to articulate everything and get my heart across properly. Sigh.

Homesickness? Is this something I was supposed to address? Maybe exchange students are probably expected to always talk about this. But for me, it was a nonexistent notion. Being born and raised in the bay area, having lived in the same exact house, having slept in the same creaky, old bed for 18 years in a row, has provided me with a comfort that I probably take for granted more than I should, but has also left me with an intense urgency to explore more, see more, do more, and just breathe more. The Bay Area can be extremely toxic and suffocating in so many ways, and it a space that I know I can go back to whenever my heart desires, but it is also a space that I do not wish to prolong my stay in any further. My immediate family has also never been a significant part of my life: I have never relied on them for emotional nor mental support. Maturing into an adult with this sort of detachment has hindered and helped me in countless ways. There were definitely times throughout my life where I despised them for the way in which everything turned out. For how miserable or lonely or stuck or negligent I sometimes felt. But I know that without that detachment, I would not be where I am today. To my next semester at Yonsei, you look questionable, daunting, and exciting. I honestly can’t even begin to imagine what will be in store for me. All I can wish for is health & happiness.

가즈으으아!!~

[yenneferw]

so, a while ago me and my friend like Broke Up our friendship. we were super close like we talked to eachother abt shit you basically Dont Talk about (other than like therapy ig) like self harm even like Deep shit we were super close and the breakup was very sudden for me and really sucked because of the phrasing and wording and i was afraid my friend (we'll call them. Maple ig idfk) i was afraid their mom had gotten ahold of their account. this is kinda long but w a good ending so hold on (1/?)

(2/?) Maple had already deleted their tumblr but we were still talking on hangouts and, basically the breakup was super bad. they said shit abt like how they have to “focus on real life friendships” and shit – like i understood their original like Reason for it (they felt shitty like they were leading a double life which understandable yk???) but they ended up saying such hurtful stuff i was afraid it wasnt them talking. but the next morning they sent me videos of themself saying basically the

(3/?) same shit. So that really sucked and i was super messed up about it for like a whole week (like as in could hardly function – we’d been friends for almost a year and we we’re lowkey like planning to move in w eachother when we get older) and then i finally like started saying like Yeah me and my best friend like broke up but it was like. super painful for a really long time. Cut to a few months later, it turns out theyre back on tumblr (i found their url through a mutual friend, after the

(4/?) mutual friend answered an ask – the url looked like something theyd said/would say so i clicked on it and it was them) and that sent me. like reeling and i was fucked up again. a while later said mutual friend randomly deleted and after a day or so Maple messaged me and asked if i knew what happened. we tried to Kind of idk. mend things but it didnt work and i was still super hurt. we broke up back in september. jan i started not thinking about them so much, but when i did it hurt so bad

(5/?) cut to april 26th this year. they message me on hangouts asking to talk. i dont see it until May 21st because i deleted the app and dont log into gmail on my laptop a lot so i didnt see it at all. so after like a few hours of fucking. being really fucking. like shell shocked, i reply lets talk. i still cry when i hear/see things that remind me of them. 2 days later, Maple replies. we start kind of talking, though now all my fucking walls ever are up and im really like emotional and crying

(6/?) this is the fourth time ive typed this i hate the internet. hopefully i havent hit ask limit. anyway. maple and i talk. they apologize – not in the Cheap way, but in the Meaningful way, and its good. long conversation short, i tell them i dont think i can be friends right now, but i want to be on good terms, so it stops feeling like part of me is Missing and Gone. they agree. we agree to be able to check up on eachother when we need to. for the first time in a long time i feel. relieved.

(7/7) hopefully that went through. anyways. idk, maybe we’ll be friends again one day. I want to be. i love them a lot, they just hurt me really fucking bad yk. i just dont think i could Do That right now, yk? but this… this is a start. Not an ending. Not a… new beginning either. A continuation, i guess. Im still. Hurt. But im finally. Recovering. It’s good.

anon this was such a wild ride…………. i was hanging on for the whole fucking thing i should’ve waited until it was all sent to start reading it bc i was hooked……. i’m really happy that you two have been able to get to a better place tho!!!! losing friends HURTS and it’s so much better if you can leave off/keep things at a quiet but good place. and i’m really glad that you’re able to start feeling better after it all now too!! best of luck to you babe! 

[cheswirls]

im gonna ramble abt day 0-2 bc i can

the 3 back to back olym records for backstroke this morning was craaaaazy and in the prelims too!! m always iffy abt swimming events but if a clip is amazing like this then ill usually watch it n be glad that i did, im jus not gonna spend an hour+ watching it live/a rerun of the entire thing right. wouldnt think to watch backstroke either but like!! it was good!!!

cannot for the life of me find a video of chusovitina’s vault im hoping now that all womens events are over for the day itll show up soon!! actually havent been able to find much of anything on gymnastics /sigh and my parents dont have cable anymore so the nbc app i used during 2016 is obsolete. if anyone knows any free livestreams hit a girl up i rly need it

i keep seeing names i recognize from rio n its been so much fun to see their results this time around aaaa. like i remember us’ hernandez in gymnastics, us’ ledecky in swimming (thru the memes more than results oooops) china’s shi in diving (small caveat abt that below) uk’s daley also in diving, others but you get the gist

i have not seen the 3m synchro diving but i did see that shi placed gold again so !!! i rly hope the coverage is better this time around bc i remember scoffing in a hotel room at the female reporter covering diving who said she had seen shi ‘do better than that’ and it was literally near or was a perfect score 3m dive and im p sure a record for the specific one like, the cmt was totally uncalled for and untrue bc she had never done better on that one before so haaaaaaaha i hope that specific person is not on diving again n they have ppl who know what theyre watching but aaaanyway not that im gonna get to watch coverage like that this year anyway, jus wanted to note that like, thats what i remember shi from and she deserves better this year (also i rly love diving its v impt to me)

skateboarding street was fun!!!! i watched recaps of mens i think jus the finals bc they had it narrowed to 4. it went kinda quick but ig they were strictly showing the trick then results, and it was one trick per run so it wasnt like they were skating around the entire course doing a timed run thing like it was one and done. had never rly paid much attn to skateboarding so i watched a few more videos after the fact to see who these guys were so i should hve an easier time w park now that ik. looking forward to womens!! i think theres a girl thts like 13?? crazy cant wait. was cool to see the jpn guy that placed gold hes my age!!!!!! crazy crazy

ive seen small clips of mens vb and womens fb but im not gonna watch an entire game until medal placement bc. time. and interest. i will watch (the rerun) sb jpn/usa round 1 bc thats gonna be hype. will be at work while its live but ill see highlights n stuff. might catch gold medal game live ayyy

seeing kor/rus in archery was good too aaa!!!! crazy kor has won the event since it debuted i didnt realie that til this year

not super into tennis so didnt know who osaka was until day 0 but shes def on my radar now woooow the opening match was so good. shes one year older me i jus cant get over how a lot of these athletes are my age or super close

will only watch some events at medal placement but next week im super excited for athletics 100m, baseball, vb finals, gymnas indv, diving 10m!!!!!!!, others

last thing i watched womens shooting final (hhhhh rifle, not sure what range) and only after did i learn the target was like, 2 dimes big, damn they show it a lot bigger on screen woww, thats amazing impressive even if it only hits the edge. and! saw the 12yo table tennis player aka youngest olym athlete this year that was fun !

[hella-free-space]

I’M BACK, BABES

ASKS ARE BACK now that the whole moving process is (mostly) over (still got plenty of unpacking to do) and i have a decent work schedule, i should have time to answer asks again and post more regularly!

~Life Updates Nobody Asked For Under The Cut~

WE FINALLY GOT OUR NEW APARTMENT actually getting our new apartment was a nightmare, and we’ve been having pest issues, and water issues...but it’s got everything else we wanted at the price i wanted. exterminators are coming back tomorrow and maintenance is still working on the water issues so hopefully those are just temporary!

big bonus: i get half of the smaller room/office for some of my pets (so the cat + dog wont bother them)!! the hubs gets the other half for his gaming set up :3

ANIMALS PASSING i lost four pets between leaving our old apartment and moving into our new one. we were only supposed to spend 3-4 days with my parents while waiting for our new apartment to be ready, but that turned into a month (we’d call to ask if it was ready and they’d be like “just a few more days”...). the trip from our old city to our new city was a very long, very stressful car ride as well.  - A female guppy, one of the endler/endler cross’s i’d gotten as fry with some plants. I’m honestly not sure what happened to her, but one day i noticed that there were only three females and the one male (out of what was supposed to be five guppies). I assume she’s passed. - Mr. Percival B. Beans, my halfmoon double tail, was having swim bladder issues before we moved. he didnt respond to kanaplex, so i was going to try an anti-parasitic after we arrived. he passed the day after we arrived in our new city. - Triton, my tiny shiny anger fish, had been fighting some agressive fin rot before we left. he went through a round of antibiotics that seemed to help a bit, but during the car trip down here he bit his tail so short he looked like a plakat. i tried indian almond leaves as well, hoping it would help him destress. in the end he refused to eat, even blood worms. he passed a week after the move. - Pancakes, the syrian hamster i brought home from an lps (she was the surrendered hamster). I wasn’t sure how old she was, but I guesstimated 1-1.5 years. She was full grown, and didn’t make a huge effort to hide her food, so i thought maybe she was at least middle-aged, if not older. I believe she passed from wet tail. When i noticed, it was probably 24-36 hours after she first started showing symptoms. i came home at 2:30am from a reunion with friends to find her barely hanging on. When i checked on her that previous morning, she was curled up in a ball, sleeping, halfway burried (not out of the ordinary. sometimes she just Did That and sometimes she was down in her tunnel). I stroked her back gently to say hi before leaving for work, but she shook me off. i figured she was just Grumpy and didnt want to be disturbed. when i came home early the next morning (at 2:30), when i knew she should be out and running around, i knew something was wrong. by the time the vet was open the next morning, she had passed.

losing a lot of animals within a few weeks was really awful. i felt really awful. it really put me off from wanting any new animals and made me take an honest look at my current husbandry and setups. now im focusing more on improving the husbandry and setups for my other animals (i had already made plans for some things, but not for others). 

ANIMALS STILL WITH ME - bubbles, my feistiest little blue baby. doin’ good and eatin a lot. - pearl, my little marbler. swims up to greet The Hand at feeding time. - crystal, my big beautiful gal. graceful af. - the gupyu force, our little squad of guppies. the wiggliest of wiggles. - skippy, my crested lizzer child. soft tummy, sticky toes, loves to explore. - friday, my 8-legged stunner. refused not one but TWO dubia roaches. rude. - qbert, my precious little fluffball. still a little shy, but sweet as ever. - tiny kitty, our majestic QUEEN. doesn’t hate me now, is also less tiny. - lulu, our first kiddo. the neediest dachshund on the planet, but full of love.

ANIMALS GETTING UPGRADES - got a 20 long for crystal! hoping to do a nice community tank for my big beautiful gal <3 - getting closer to being able to put together skippy’s 18x18x24 exo terra upgrade! have lots of corkbark pieces, one large vine, plenty of smaller vines, grapevine, moss, bio balls, eco earth, and 2 new hides! still working on getting a few live plants, silicone, and abg mix but almost there :) - qbert has space for a double-decker bin cage again! i have a new bin, so i’ve got to find where the packers put the roll of 1/2″ metal mesh so i can put that together for him :) - the guppies will stay in the 10 gallon, but they’ll have it all to themselves this time! theyre definitely smaller than some of the fancy guppies i’ve seen (the male is like .75″-1″, the females are 1″-1.5″) and because the group is small (1m:3f) i feel like they’ll do pretty well in the 10 for now. I’ve also added Better Decor so i hope they enjoy swimming through the driftwood and the plants! - a bigger litter box for Tiny Kitty, who is not as tiny as she used to be. she’ll be getting another tote litter box, but it’ll be taller this time! - possibly a big patch of grass for lulu. we have an area outside of our door that we could make into a nice nano yard for her to potty in (the doggy station isn’t too far, but having a place that’s Hers might be nice). also considering putting a patch of grass inside somewhere in case she has to go potty if we’re not home. also we’re walking her more regularly so she’s lost the couple of pounds she’d put on and is back to a more healthy weight!

[shytiff]

Small August Wins

1 - DL, did my part for PKP, read a bit about leprosy reaction (PKP related), watched a cute movie tune in for love, ara stayed over at my home, edited 1 pld article

2 - exercised a bit, edited 3 pld articles, DL, finished ppt tinpus PKP, walked to the nearby lake with ara, ate nasgor smoked chicken (been a while!) and jco donuts and my tummy is happy, felt afraid with DV exam huft. I hope I can prepare myself properly

3 - DL, edited 1 article, went to school together w ara, deep fried by dr adhi for my minicex (but i am grateful for the opportunity), emir took a while to pick me up (he left home 1530 and arrived 1715) so i did some status work, arrived at home super hungry but moms food is delicious and wow glucose is finally in (after previously supported by nasi uduk and 1 jco donut) and the pain from today sort of fades away.

4 - DL, tried to study as much as i could (the panic is real), went to kencana to get dr adhis signature at 12 but he replied my chat at about 1330 🙃 , finished self reflection, group called with my group for exam prep

5 - did not DL bcs i fell asleep!! Thank god for streak freeze, met up with dr adhi in poli regarding minicex bcs turns out he brought my status etc, hes very kind 🥺 dr yudo kindly took his time to answer questions via wa voicenote even though he had a tiring day 🥺 bless all the kind people in this world

6 - DL, alhamdulillah passed the exam with dr sondang and dr larissa even though i was being a dumb ass student (thankfully theyre patient enough). Honestly panicked during the morning, i was super afraid. Searched some drug dosage for renata. I hope she passes the remed!!

7 - slept and lazed all day :( edited 1 article, dv closing. Managed to say thanks to dr yudo even though i was lowkey near tears bcs i cant for the life of me say something even mildy emotional, DL at like 15 mins before midnight

8 - finally at lvl 3 DL by cheating with my notes lmaoo, ate burgers and half pizza by dcheese pizza but had mencret2 the next day lmaooo, watched bosscha virtual sky sightseeing

9 - DL, watched Summer Vacation, edited 2 articles, put some sheet mask on (the numbers surely diminished since my cousin took some 🙂 ), pretty much watched youtube all day. At night i dreamed going to a villa that kinda looks like matamori, and the villa near it was also booked by other groups of friend, and i was recording snow falling from the sky and snow on the cliffs, but there was also a snake under the bed, and writing patients resume -_-(?)

10 - DL, read pem psikiatri cbt batch 1 optima, 25 CBT PADI, a fruitful 2,5 hr discussion with dr Heriani, SpKJ

11 - DL, poli with mendel hari and dr Khamelia, SpKJ, mustered some courage to do the ppt, phoned the patient to ask a little bit more, fell asleep and thank god i’ve prayed isya

12 - DL, lazied and played get rich, felt sick and was sick, nose congested, head starting to hurt, i dont know what is it that triggered my emotions but when my dad asked "tiff kok bersin2?" i felt like i have no privacy and they were too intruding and i wept silently in my room (bcs ppl outside can hear) and yall my nose just goes 100% blocked. aint accepting air today. Massaged my face around the sinus area until i can somehow breathe nicely and fall asleep. (took about half and hour of snot cleaning, drinking and mulling around)

13 - since i felt bad abt lazying i started my day early. Woke up at 5. Put on tretinoin, 15 CBT PADI, DL, naskah psikiatri WIP (Work in progress). It rained today. The sky was grey half of the day, which I LOVE. I felt better and more cheery, especially at abt 4-5 pm when it was raining hard and im snuggled in bed. The laptop stand arrived and bitch it was fucking amazing. My back and neck muscles felt less awkward and/or sore working at my ergonomically-awful table and chair combo turned ok thanks to laptop stand!!

14 - DL, poli with dr cika, crashed aras place (drank thai tea, ate flip burger and sausages), it felt refreshing to be in a different place rather than seeing my room all day everyday. Afterwards ara indah and i ate po noodle bar, the taste was kind of herbal (not brothy) in a good way. Tried some sort of gyoza, it was good too. Juan got accepted at USU civic engineering. Went to atikahs place, passed a red light and i got ppl a bit annoyed lmao sorry :(((, talked with atikah until 1-2ish pm

15 - richeese and fried rice for brunch time, went back home (felt socially refreshed!) to see 2 bottles of sbux coffee i ordered, claras nastar and vit d supplement from tokped. Did RPS and ikhtisar for naskah. DL. Sbux' coffee still upsets my stomach lmao but it did keep me awake and focused enough til 11 pm

16 - DL, after staying over at friends place i feel.suer content to be just at home. Ate while watching erna limdaughs vids, sleeeept

17 - DL, naskah WIP, whipped myself to go do naskah by drinking caramel macchiato and playing coffee - bts. It tasted better when i hear jks soothing voice

18 - DL, finally panicked a bit and did ppt, read a bit abt bipolar, chugged hazelnut dolce latte and somehow its not bitter anymore it actually tasted good. Talked w mendel and hari a bit abt the patient

19 - the dr actually showed up to zoom while i was opening other screen and i didnt realize (ultra embarrassing!!!) basically my diagnosis for axis I and II were wrong. She was kindly explaining and i was more dissapointed with myself but at least its all over? Talked w hansel a bit. Revised a bit of naskah. Submitted hardcopy of naskah and refleksi to mbak Asma. Went to ara. DL, ate gwen's dimsum (quite good and fulfilling). Planned to go to kashiwa but we ended up getting bakmi akiaw. Went back "home" to DM, took only 35 mins.

20 - DL, slept half of the day since im on my period (what even is daily structure), woke up in the evening, decided to start “the folk of the air” series. Binged the first book in one go, from 8 pm to 1 am lmaoo

21 - DL, finished the series at night. it’s nice but not as good as six of crows duology. bts comeback with dynamite!! :) i love them. its scary to think they are still progressing and going up and getting better stats. When will it all stop?

22 - discussion with dr natalia spKJ at 7.30 am, DL, drank matcha latte at starbucks airport hub (been a while! It doesnt taste quite good as i remembered) while backing up HD data at drive and some padi CBT (finished TO 3. After all this time, only to 3?!), felt a bit better after i went out, read a falling cohabitation again

23 - DL, danced to baepsae, slept in the afternoon (my body is too weak nowadays)

24 - DL, psychiatry closing, 1 pamela reif vid, 2P (CBT PADI)

25 - DL, made latar belakang for propeks nemo

26 - DL, 4P, rapat nemo

27 - DL, met up with atikah pupuy @ toska, tried yogurt and fruit, mac and cheese, vegan mentai rice and had dinner @ bakmi gm. mom somehow told (and allowed) me to go back home (it was 9 am and i was abt to stay over at atikah’s)

28 - DL, i dont feel like doing anything helppp, i know there’s stuff that im supposed to do but i cant bring myself to do it. a week will pass by, a month, and before you know it exam will arrive

29 - DL, ordered burgushi, i literally have no strength to go at static bike (can only do for a couple of mins), didnt rly do anything else bcs im in a slump nowadays

30 - its scary that the month is almost over again. my life just goes away like that but i still dont feel like doing anything, DL, tried to follow some dances on youtube to move my body

31 - DL, 2A, 4P