#next couple days gonna suck
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over exerted myself this week and now i gotta get my ass to thanks giving uaghghgh don't even have energy to bring ches like i was originally planning. why did i let 2 appointments in a row get scheduled the 2 days before holiday where i need to have energy and spoons ughghghghghghgh. and the day before that going out and then doing a bunch of chores when i got back. i should know bettterrrrrrr.
#need recovery day so bad#this is a noted pattern in how my energy levels are#big events & outings knock me out the day after#longer than that if i over exert#and i stlil foolishly let this happen ugh ug ghghgh#next couple days gonna suck#and i feel bad about leaving ches behind he's been alone a lot of the day past few days :(#really need to head over soon but i feel like a pile of sludge#had high stress appt on tues and went to like 4 different stores plus had to bring car to garage yesterday#why did i think that was ok lmaooooooooooooo
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I am sorry to be crude. But I am just. So fucking angry. I am so fucking full of despair, and I'm not sure there's a way out of this one, guys. Unless a miracle happens in the next few hours, I genuinely struggle to see a way forward beyond killing myself.
And if that terrifies you? If you feel compassion for that? If you don't want that for me? You better have been endorsing the one candidate who was in a position to beat Trump. If not, then whatever happens to me is on you.
I know that I'm a random nobody to most of you. So a very large percentage of you can probably live with that. My ultimate fate probably doesn't matter. But in the slight event that it does: I hope your guilt is even a fraction of the intensity of the fear that I and every single person I love is feeling right now.
I hope one day you understand what it means to actually care about the lives of other people. And I hope that you don't ever claim to be a compassionate person ever again. Face what you have wrought, and may you carry the guilt of that to your fucking grave.
#tw: suicide mention#I think...I'm gonna work on finishing c2g in the next couple of weeks#I'll probably have to orphan it once it's finished which sucks. but. uh. well it might be illegal to post soon. so.#and as much as I love this story it isn't something I'm willing to risk my life and freedom for#there are OTHER things I need to risk my life and freedom for#I also think that near inauguration day I'm going to have to completely deactivate#I will likely have to disappear offline completely. which. again. that sucks.#I'll have to look at discord to evaluate their privacy policy#so depending on that...if you want to be able to contact me there that might be an option. but beyond that...#I predict this is the last that most of you will be seeing of me.#do what you can to survive. I love you.
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Back on my meds, making a damn decent paycheck despite how many days I had to take off this month, my mom’s feeling better now that she’s home and we’ve figured everything out, our neighbor’s gonna build us a wheelchair ramp for cheap, and my dad miiiiiiiiight be buying a new car as we speak 🤞 (my mom just can’t get into the truck anymore, and she hasn’t wanted to drive her two seater for a while now, so we’re trading it for something practical). Things are finally going fairly well, all things considered ❤️
#she speaks#after the absolute hell we’ve been in all October I think we deserve a fucking break#hopefully this post doesn’t jinx the car lol#we’re keeping the truck obv cuz like we got livestock#but the lil beamer has got to go unfortunately#sad it’s a fun lil car#but it hasn’t been getting the love it deserves and it’s time for something more suited to our needs as a family#kinda exciting really I hope we get it#we all fucking hate spending money so both my parents have been waffling on it for a couple of days#but like I told them mama you got a doctor’s appointment next week for your g tube#and then a hospital follow up with our pcp the week after that#and you’re gonna have to see a gi and a nutritionist pretty regularly#and there’s gonna be more surgeon follow ups I’m sure#and eventually we’re gonna need to take you to outpatient pt cuz we can’t have a home health pt forever#cuz insurance only pays for it for like six weeks#so either we’re gonna have to rent a car every time you go to the doctor#or we gotta buy one#and like this isnt going away you’ll have to go to the doctor often#cuz you’re missing like half of your small intestine#so getting a rental all the time is gonna suck#it would be better to have a car you can get in and out of easily just on hand#not to mention eventually you’re gonna wanna get out of this house just for the hell of it#and it’s not like we can wake up one morning and decide hey let’s go on a day trip#and then waste two hours driving back and forth from the nearest enterprise#which is on an extremely busy two lane highway and is FUCKING terrifying to get to lmfao#so with any luck my dad will keep that in mind and not back out at the dealership lol
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#some shit went down with our friends that im not about to talk about publicly#but i feel like ive lost two of my closest friends and it's so fucking depressing#been such bummed out vibes in here the past couple days.. bf and i are both so bummed#and.. least of my concerns.. but our camping trip next weekend is most likley gonna be cancelled now so that sucks too
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I'm still not feeling great. now one side of my face also hurts lol, it's just one thing after another, this body sucks
#no idea what my face is complaining about but I'm sure it'll be fine in a couple of days#it's really annoying how used I am to 'things just randomly hurt a lot for no reason' lol#but anyway! I've finally made an appointment with a different ENT doctor. somehow I'm not okay with just being told my eardrum just doesn't#work (for no reason. at least none that I've been told) and that they won't do anything about it and I'm just gonna live with it#like if that's the best thing sure! then that's fine! but literally being told that I'm imagining everything is not enough :)#I don't care I just refuse to have this be the last thing I hear about this. that piece of shit doctor can go fuck himself and I hope he#gets hit by a bus (and then told that he's just imagining it)#plus. the tube thing they put in my ear did help at least a bit. but when I asked about that this jerk just said they won't do that over#and over 'for the next 90 years' and that I just have to live with it. my guy. I'm not planning on making it to 122?! and also I never#fucking asked for that? I just wanted to know if there's any OPTIONS. like doing that again. or anything else. and he just kept cutting me#off whenever I talked. ugh I fucking hate this guy.#anyway so I hope this lady will be better.#somehow I've had really bad luck with ENT doctors specifically?! I hope not all of them suck....#personal
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Gaze, ye, upon the best boi the world will ever see and know that he is gone, and we are the poorer for it. But especially me, who will never kiss his lil face again and tell him he is my bestest baby dog in the whole world. He had 13 years, 11 with me, and should have had more, and the only thing consoling me rn is the insane amount of whiskey i've consumed to deal with a reality without him in it.
Roddy, my baby dog, my bestest boi. I know the world goes on but fuck. FUCK. I needed you in it, bud. I'm so, so sorry.
#Ok this is much more personal than i ever get on tumblr#But FUCK#LOOK AT HIM#LOOK AT HIS FACE#tell me you wouldn't be head in the toilet drunk about losing that goodest boi tonight#Like it JUST happened i'll be ok life goes on etc. Fuck but FUCK#Irish wake for my boi tonight we are suffering for the harsh reality of death and love#You think nothing matters? HE MATTERED#And if that's what carries me thru the next 20 years so be it#But fuuuuuuuck my ass is not 25 no mo i am gonna *pay* for this tomorrow#Hahaha like i care he won't be there to wake my ass up for walks i gotta find my own reason to get up now#Fuck me but for all the world sucks and all i've been thru nothing has felt so hard#This isn't even the first 10+ year dog i've lost or pet that's died too soon but FUCK ME#He was the best boi that ever lived and i will love him to the end of this ashy fucked up universe#Ooooogh don't expect to hear from me for like#A couple days maybe#Raise a glass to my boi but also. Don't. Drink is the devil. Fuuuu<ck#Me
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✨Rant in the tags✨
#theres no murder unfortunately#but wowieee do i wish it was meeee#my car's been down for the last week which sucks because of all the driving i have to do#but then!! get this#my mom goes to the hospital which gives me full reign of her car right?? right#but my SISTERS car ALSO goes down so thats a list of another driving responsibilities cause she has a baby i cant let her and the bby walk#its cold now after all#but whoops guess whose car goes down now?? my MOMs#how fun how sweet how hilarious#oh and the warranty on that car?? expired. its donezo actually. donezo garbagio#and its thr ENGINE thats the problem ✨#the only good news is that my brother's off for the next couple of days and my car should be done by the end of today#and hopefully my warranty SHOULD cover the cost of my car but who tf knows any more!!#i already have a mystery mousekatool called a secret ticket to pay for come Friday and i have no fucking idea if i can get it#and i can't ask my mom for help because hospital and outta work#and i cant ask my dad cause he footed the entire bill of my wheel coming off#and as a cherry on top i rn feel like my friends as a collective hate me and the spiral im currently in is NOT taking criticism rn#so even if i DID reach out guess who's gonna feel like a burden that inconvenienced people rather than find it reassuring#youre right unfortunate reader (if you've gotten this far) this dumbass exclusive ✨#honestly i wanna take a nap for 4000 years and never wake up#personal#edit:: the repair man is still waiting on the part to be delivered... and the warranty people are closed to veterans day#so like yeah ig i cry instwad
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several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#thinking of that post that’s like ‘u Have To make art or all the ideas stay stuck in ur brain and make u sick’ bc yeah thats been the vibe#wish i wasn’t so all or nothing about it tho. but alas. i’m that way with everything in my life#i either expect 10k in a day from myself or i don’t write at all for weeks. or months :)#and my average pace is about 500 words per hour. so u can see. how that might be a problem. given how many hours are in a day.#and that’s obviously not sustainable. but idk if it’s adhd or what but it’s So hard to quickly start and stop tasks just Whenever#i struggle to be one of those ppl that can consistently write like. 500 words a day every day and then wow! soon you have a whole novel#nah. once i get myself in the Zone then i’m Goin’ and i can’t stop until i’m Done or i collapse from ignoring my body’s needs lmao#it’s something i should make an effort to do though bc i’d love to be consistently chipping away at things instead of working in bursts#anyways this is a lotta negative self-commentary for what is actually a Positive post! bc yay!! i wrote a thing!! Two things actually!!! 🎉#i got the follow-up to last year’s Matt oneshot done And i wrote the next chapter of Heaven in Hiding after uh. a year and some months#i wanted to blow the dust off the ol’ keyboard by starting with writing some less. uh. high-stakes(?) stuff#not that i didn’t put my all into writing them. i always do. just that ik they’ll have less of an audience so ill cringe less if they suck#so then i can hopefully do justice to the [N]MbD stuff that i’ll be putting out next! ehehe *rubbing my hands together* Finally#the next two [N]MbD fics r already written but the first little one needs a final edit#and then the Big one for. uh. someone (u kno who u r) needs a bit of rewriting i think. i wanna make it Better#so release schedule will be 1. Matt • 2. HiH Ch.3 • 3. [N]MbD small fic • 4. [N]MbD Big fic#then i’m gonna write a lil Boothill comfort oneshot. then i’ll edit/maybe rewrite and post that Dew (Ghost) OCD comfort oneshot#i also wanna keep writing the last couple chapters of HiH before i unintentionally abandon it again#and after/amidst all that maybe i’ll manage to get ES Ch.6 written and posted before the end of the year 😭#anyways ik i’ve made posts like this before. talking abt all these Plans of mine. and most of those things r Still stuck in the pipeline#so don’t put too much stock into this plan. i could have another Bad couple of months and get None of it done#but god i sure fucking hope not. i’d really like to cling to my creativity. if for no other reason than that it makes me happy
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oh man lmfao i'm out of my meds
#i forgot to ask for another prescription coz i was convinced i still have a couple of them around#the next couple days are gonna suck ass
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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#i just need to make it 48 more days i just need to make it 48 more days i just need to make it 48 more days#clutching the sink knuckles white and repeating it into the mirror like affirmations#istg im running out of momentum and patience and willpower like what exactly am i even supposed to do here#i miss feeling like home and i miss being loved and i miss having people care about me like. man this sucks.#i keep trying to focus on the fact that at least i have the scenery and the peace that i wanted but mannnnn. what the hell#this has been building up for so long and esp the last couple months and im trying sooo hard to hold back a relapse im telling myself like#ok just make it 5 more days bc then the number on the day counter looks prettier <3 ok now just make it another 5 days <3 !#and another 5 days <3 okay maybe just one more day you can do one more day <3#and its not like i want it to happen obviously but at this point i think its naive to pretend like it wont bc ooohhh boy if i dont#manage the jump into the next manic episode and crash instead like. at this point ive bottled it up for so long i know its gonna be#a bad one#if i just time myself right and fuck myself up a little i can make these episodes last until concert week and then thats gonna give me a#good enough boost to last me another month and then its gonna be spring and that can carry me and then its gonna be summer and ill be#extra busy w tourist season and after that maybe this will either fix itself or ill be in a better position to at least#catch myself if i crash#idk man.#doing bad teehee#the torment is relentless and the horrors never cease but you gotta keep on slayin 💅🏼✨️✨️ so thats what ill do 💅🏼✨️✨️✨️✨️
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have officially watched 2/3 original evil dead movies 👍
#i wont watch the first one#im a pussy i cant handle gore that intense#ALSO UGH I LOVED BOTH EVIL DEAD II AND ARMY OF DARKNESS#i had seen most of the scenes already on youtube but it was very nice to actually see them in the right order LMAO#my fav silly guy ashley williams didn't fail me#(i knew he wouldn't)#whatever i'm gonna be shaking him around in my head for the next forseeable future#also! watching evil dead ii and then immediately going to aod is really funny cause like#ash's character doesn't necessarily change a ton a ton right#but he's just so pissed off the whole movie of aod it's actually crazy#and i've seen a couple aved clips and knowing that the evil dead trilogies basically change him from soft spoken ash in evil dead i#to his character in aved is like so sad to me!!!#sad in the sense of like all the stuff and trauma from the cabin and aod caused him to create this like ultra-dramatized bravado#like ash's character arc is one of the most realistic one's i've seen and i think that's what sucks for him :(#and we know its at least part a coping mechanism based off his breakdown in season 3 of aved!!! he does NOT want to be the chosen one ughhh#like the whole chosen one who doesn't want to be the chosen one is an arc that always hurts#i was going to say more but this is already longer than i intended!!!#maybe some day i'll write a character analysis on ash because he's so so interesting to meeeee#knawing on him#keir thoughts
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i haven't listened yet ive just been reading tumblr posts gobsmackedly BUT coming off the back of her victory lap time person of the year grammy album of the year 2023 and the only thing she wants to talk about at the height of her career is dusty racist matty healy like what is she ON. literally fucking mortifying for her to be this successful and this influential and one of the most powerful people on earth and this is all she got out of last year like this is so HUMILIATINGGGGGG. people have been gagging for the dramatic retribution of it all coming toppling down and she is determined to make it completely self imposed. she wasn't lying that hero is anti as hell !!!!!
speaking of, with anti hero she was trying really hard to crib the mental health awareness 🛐 trend in pop the last couple years ala phoebe bridgers et al. and having the next step of that be this fucking american mcgee's taylor twist that the tortured poets department was inside an asylum all along is CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!! for the most tone deaf woman on the planet this is a new peak like. rehashing the kylie jenner wheelchair-as-fame-allegory photoshoot discourse nearly 10 years later jesus christ she really is just like the joker.
#omedia#gonna listen shortly (spongebob hands up ILLEGALLY!!!!!!) but im like. reeling#it's fun getting the critical swiftie takes now from everyone pirating it before the goody two shoes get the official drop in tbe next#couple days and they start sucking her off again#i keep thinking about todd in the shadows tweeting about how if taylor was ever gonna fall off it wouldve been with the mediocre receptions#to reputation and lover#but she dragged herself out of those and (eventually) ended up bigger than ever#you came at the king and you missed and now shes here forever. you missed your shot!#and i think that is still true but jesus fucking christ the self sabotage this woman is trying to commit on herself#o
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very much obsessed with furina's story quest's performance cutscene, it was beautiful wow
#songs with lyrics just hit different#will be replaying the song on loop for the next couple of days watch me#the fact she earned her vision too!!!! :')#celestia may suck but they slap with the timing for giving out visions every time not gonna lie agsjsh#furina 🤝 scara being the only two playable characters we saw get a vision#and they both get a second chance at life... nice#genshin spoilers
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fireworks in the middle of the day???? 🤦🏼♀️ who tf can see anything while the sun's up??? 💀
#guy fawkes day sucks sm#idiots stock up on fireworks#im gonna be hearing this shit for the next couple of months ughh#i feel sorry for all the animals 😔 the stress of hearing fireworks always frightens my cats#when my dog was alive he would go nuts omfg#i get that theyre pretty but why the fuck they gotta be loud??????? “guN pOWDer gO bOooOom SoOOo iT caNtT bE sILEnt”#so this started from them trying to blow up parliament and a failed assassination attempt against an oppressive state#i wouldnt want to fuck with oppressed Catholics lmao#of course they resort to trying to blow you up#idk why its celebrated in NZ since this happened in the UK???? no clue why we'd give a fuck about religion#now we're still oppressed with the illusion of freewill#ignore my tangent#lmfao
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AH yes, recent emotional lability and hypogastric regional pain has it's explanation. And I managed to ping that as PMS shit, this time.
Chalk one more thing up to me being all kinds of exhausted. Head's aching too, lovely.
This shit just makes me think of Gymrat!Remus's issues.
(Mind, I don't got this as bad as that guy. But still... Nnng.)
#i'm gonna spare the deets here but uh#menstruation/#(i swear i need to get back on the pill... this shit just sucks - regardless of experienced severity)#(tmw you're deciding on whether to take ibuprofen for headache)#(but weighing COX-inhibition on muscle recovery in the next couple days)#(i might just zonk out early for once in like... forever)#(thinking abt the trash goblin is making me want to work on that gymrat!dukexiety pic soon... not now tho)#(virgil being the awkward himbo in the arrangement will never not make me laugh)#(and lo's like 'i gave you everything i know - this shit is now between the two of you')
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