#new music is so special 2 me i hate when theres a really interesting idea for a musical and then theyre like

[redeyye]

im pretty excited for the new crop of musicals on broadway rn, since 2018 or so ive been worried about musicals going the same way as other media & just running out of new ideas. but there's some bangers out there rn i think there is hope yet

[chuck-e-cheese-anime-faces]

I wouldnt have thought that at all because i only ever associate that specific synth instrument with arthur background music and also just pre schooler shows in general by extension because of arthur (all his fault.).

Because i used to always consider it a preschool show even though it can be but isnt necessarily its just always played alongside all linds of primarily pre school shows or so i remember kids in preschool always said i was too old for those shows by the age of 5 i think that was it but either way i always took it to heart and was able to put it in practice when i remembered using directv for the first time when we got it installed which i think was around the same time. Well actually, it was directv with tivo i think because i remember the living room and parents room having both having tivo but the channel numbers were the same as directv even tho i thought tivo was just a separate cable provided. But it would make sense if it wss just a company tht like, attached itself to other cable providers to provide a service (digitally automatic tv recording easy to access, navigate to favorite shows, prioritize recording w the 1-3 thumbs up/down system, as well as to even mark which shows and even individual episodes you liked or hated so when ur navigating channel guide you can be like "Oh shit that episode was a really good one, either someone else may have put that rating there to passively reccomend it, or i saw this show/episoslde before and i liked it!!" Or "aw yeah. Theres a bad ep of power puff girls on in a couple hours, myst be one with the rowdyruff boys or that episode with that gross fucking kid who kept trying to kiss them god i fucking hate that episode so much jesus christ but if it was tbat one it would probly have 3 thumbs down and that one only has 1."

Anyways pls dont get the wrong idea tivo is not one of my special interests or current hyperfixations at least not rn im just reminiscing and thinking back to how clearly i rmemeber it and i also really really liked how the interface looked w the calming green backgrounds and the very 2000s sorta like..chic sorta style in a way like idk how to explain it its like the kinda interface i would see on the tv at a pretty new and expensive hotel and the sfx were fun too tivo was fucking awesome)

Anyway i would know immediately which channels were ones like both est and pst channels of nickelodeon and also nicktoons which i watched the shit out of which kind of sorta was something tht in a way kiiinda made me a 90s kid which i TECHNICALLY am but not rlly cuz i was alive in the 90s for like 9 months cuz i was born in 99 (huh thats a lotta 9s in that sentence). But i hated preschool shows for a while kinda partially becuase i didnt really like, allow myself to enjoy them, so as u can imagine the channel noggin that lied between the nick feeds and nicktoons was like a little hurdle to jump over to get to the good shit. And yeah that channel had no goddamn thing for me like til some time noon or afternoon they became "The N" which was a bunch of mostly degrassi teen shows that were heavily if not all live action so i did not care for them at all because i just wanted my goddamn toooooooons.

Speakin o toonami, which was on cartoon network, for a time i kinda hated the cartoon network for like, no clear reason tbh. All the way up until at least age 10 or 11. I think it was cuz i associated it with my first cousin once removed (it thats what you call a cousins kid) who i had jind of a rough relationship with because he was just 2 years younger than me and overall i didnt have a good start with him as he was a baby / toddler like i remember him sorta antagonizing me for fun i think as a thing toddlers can do but i really hated it like i dostinctly remember this one night when the family was hangin out at someplace we were sitting on the couch and yells something and then just throws his fuckin bottle at me and it hurt like hell and cried and on top of that he got a lot more stuff he wanted than me like i remember my cousin (his dad) just one time told me they get him whatever he wants and for that i also resented him because i had been taught not to be spoiled so i felt jealous and so i was kinda short with him growing up and i feel bad for it but it was really not necessarily anyones fault it had to do with our situations tbh and it was so long ago when we didnt know as much about many things. Anyways he watched cartoon network a lot and i think i jjst realized THATs why i started not likeing cartoon network a lot because i rmemeber before then i did watch it a lot i loved dexter and the powerpuff girls (first ever crushes for me im pretty sure) and id get to see some scooby doo where are you before mom would drive me to school from place where we were, id be having shredded tuna for breakfast a lot of days because i really liked it.

But yeah i think it just so happened to be righf around the same time when i was getting to know my first cousin once removed or "nephew" as i would refer to him because they always referred to us as uncle and nephew fsr maybe its cuz it sojnded cooler to them than first cousin once removed. Anyways yeah right around then i just started not liking shit like dexter and even powerpuff girls, powerpuff girls in particular might have also been because kids at my school would call it a girls show for girls fhat could have also played into that but i also just do remember being heavily disillusioned and just not liking cartoon network, somehow i couldnt really see exactly why for a while, but i think thats gotta be it. The same kinda happened with toon disney, which i also would watch, and eventually disney in general. Like i just started arvitrarily hating everything disney for good long while, and i think from there i just would have some continuous brand hatred. I rememver like, the big 3 i hated were disney (which idk if i mentioned but now that i think abt it i think i also associated tht with my "nephew" because they werent a HUGE disney family but they did go to disney a lot and had a lot of disney stuff so they were at least good fond of disney, toon disney also may factor into this the inital hatred because i think i associate it with nephew and remmeber one night when me n him watched it at other cousins house (so his ant btw) and i remember it not going well maybe.), cartoon network, and starting later than those, or at least later than disney general hatred, was toaster strudel hate because i saw commercials of them dissing pop tarts and acting like the superior breakfast toaster pastry and because of that there was a long time i just fucking hated toaster strudels and just pilsbury in general befause thats the company that made them, all because they had to diss the shit out of pop tarts, a breakfast pastry that i wasnt even huge on before i saw those toaster strudel commercials. I think it was because of like, how mean i perceived these commercials to be, cuz i hadnt seen commercials take the shit outta other products like that. Like i think i saw poptarts as some kinda downtrodden friend who got hurt by toaster strudels. Later felt the same about sega when i saw a lot of sega v nintendo ads on youtube late 2000s because they were being mean and i didnt like it. Also object sympathy n shit too.

Okay i derailed the fuck out of that but basically what i was originally trying to get at was that i always considered pbs kids a preschool channel. It might actually be because even though shows like arthur were kinda targeted older kids than toddler and preschool, it would air on the same channel and block as shows like sesame street which were kinda primarily targeted at toddler and preschool kids. And for years because of all that whenever i heard about anyone watching arthur any older than 6 or so i found it strange ljke "was i tbe only one that thought this???" And i mean i think it was i dont remember anyone sayin this other than the preschool kids. Another thing tho, i rmemeber at age 5 or 6 i was old enough to not use a booster seat in tbe car anymore and the day i turned that age i wanted to get rid of it because in my mind i was TOO old for it as soon as i could not have it. Even though later on via tht PSA tht were disney cinderella themed about booster seats said all kids need a booster seat til theyre 4'9" to stay safe but i always ignored that shit and so did my and probbably other parents cuz the kids wouldnt wanna go back into a booster seat and feel even younger and thus less independent or whatever. But the thing is, i watched shit like spongebob a lot after the preschool shows even though IT was on the same channel as all the nick jr shows but thing is that was separated in its own block, so i could better separate it from the rest of the programming on the network. To this day it always feels weird when ppl say blues clues n dora are "Nickelodeon" shows and not Nick Jr shows to me its like saying full house and george lopez and glenn martin dds are nickelodeon shows ykwis.

Anyways im sad that i set up this arbitrary age limit for myself for watching shows i deemed "preschool" shows, whether it be because o shit the preschool peeps told me or becuase the car seat age or both (probly both some way) but i was sad to not have actually enjoyed those shows a little longer amd kinda just convinced myself to hate relatively kinda early on or at least it seems earlier than other peeps ive heard from, but this goes ESPECIALLY so for arthur becuas that show was p good and had a lot of messages for older kids. But if there was a separate NAMED block on the channel specifically for shit like sesame street and caillou and teletubbies then i think i would not have necessarily considered pbs kids a preschool network because thats not rlly what it was, just what i had known it for. If they followed nickelodeons steps w the nick jr shit then i couldve watched it longer but also i shouldna been believein such silly shit about age limits to watch thems kids shows in the first place.

So yeah this synth instrument always just feels like arthur to me and hard to think of it as anything else sometimes because thats where i first heard it and for a long long time never really heard it anywhere else. So i didnt feel this scene was very homoerotic like RIGHT off the top of my head, i mean i did get that feelin but not immediately. I guess when i saw it i was just like oh thats nice moment and kinda innocent and friendly, like a preschool show is.

the 4kids dub for one piece is a mess for a number of reasons but literally what the fuck was this music they added in here

[obeymematches]

Hi!! I saw matchups were open and 👀 I'm an ANFP (A for ambivert). Generally with friends, my personality adapts to them, but I'm talkative, energetic and pretty playful. I like to annoy them by doing petty things such as untie their shoelaces or pat their head. I'm 5'2" with long black hair and brown eyes. I love learning about everything, I'm an enthusiast for learning new things!! My most favourite thing to learn about is cultures/languages or anything in the arts department! 1/4

I'm in love with music. I love all types of it and it's my life, though pop is the genre I most appreciate. I also enjoy making my own music, and will make songs for my partner, possibly a whole album for our anniversary. I also love writing and creating stories. It's a big passion of mine. I recently took up drawing too, and I would love to draw a portrait of my partner, should they allow me to!! With my partners, I tend to be overly affectionate. I love giving them praises!! 2/4 I've been told I'm very good at flirting, so I would wholeheartedly flirt with them, even though my pickup lines are very cheesy and wholesome. I will snuggle with my partner pretty much constantly should they allow me and press kisses wherever I can. I love playing with my partner's hair and giving them the world. I'm a switch in terms of being more confident or more flustered. It goes either way. I don't usually get mad, and I'm not normally a jealous type either. 3/4 I do hate being restricted though. I have a lot of guy friends and girl friends. If I'm not allowed to hang with them, the relationship will not go well. I also don't like a partner who doesn't respect my decisions about my life or my dreams. I'm very laid back about dates or things. I don't care much about gifts or where we go, more the experience and fun we have. Thank you so much and I hope this was okay!! Love your work!! 💕4/4 Oh hecc I forgot some hobbies!! I'm a singer!! A mezzo-soprano and I love singing given the opportunity! I'm a coder that's forever interested artificial intelligence! I love the thought that I could create a thinking mind with just codes or wires. I'm a true neutral. I love food as well as cooking it too!! But I'm not greaaat at it. I'm also in love with JRPGs and anime! And kpop haha. However, I'm not necessarily revolving my life around it. I bite my nails and I hate it. Sorry and thank you!

💕 Hi! 💕

Thank you for sending in a request, and thank you for your kind words! I hope you like the result! 

So I decided to match you with Asmo! 

My other choice would have been Levi since anime, but I decided to stick with my first thought. Levi can be too jealous at times and he definitely wouldn’t do well in a big social circle but I’m sure you’d be best friends, or it’s up to you if that would turn into something else. Because besides that there wouldn’t be any conflicts and the two of you could be just yourselves.

Here is why: 

 I think he is also talkative, so the two of you would have some things to talk about at all times! 

I think it would be easy to annoy him but I’m sure he can prank you back if he wants to. I mean he lived with his brothers for centuries, for sure he has some ideas when it comes to pranking someone. 

He likes the fact that you like to learn, that makes you smart and thats so cute! 

The fact that you are ambivert probably means that he was the one who initiated conversation at first but you were very good at keeping that conversation about whatever was the topic, so you two connected early on. 

I think at some parties he met with people who studied something similar as you are interested in so because of that he might actually know a thing or two about your interests. Sure he is probably more into gossip or makeup or fashion but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t listen when a different topic comes up. 

He also likes pop music the most, so you would never have any conflict concerning this! You later mention that you sing a lot, so imagine having a duet with him!!!! I mean think about that!!! You could establish a band, juts the two of you! 

Or if you are not into that then he would be sure to show you off at karaoke bars! The whole club would be looking at you two! 

He would definitely serendae you if thats what you want, any time, on the spot!

I think his gosspis might influence some stories that you write. I mean us humans can’t even imagine all the things that go on in the devildom. 

DRAW HIM LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS-

Jokes aside he would absolutely NOT be shy about that, you could practice drawing and he would be flattered! 

Oh his love language is definitely affection so theres no conflict or conversation that needs to be held because of that! Imagine all the cuddles with him!

Asmo definitely loves himself and he definitely enjoys compliments so he would really appreciate that about you! Be prepared though because he is going to return the favor tenfolds more! 

He is definitely one of the better flirtes of the bunch so if you two are at it i’m not sure who would decide to stay in the room anyway

Especially early in the relationship he would cuddle you so so much, lay on top of you, snuggle you, etc! very affectionate couple! 

Oh I’m not sure if he likes it when someone touches his hair but if it’s you he might make an exclusion! 

It’s really handy that you are not jealous because I don’t think he will ever stop flirting even if he is in a relationship and some might consider that cheating. But it doesn’t matter because the two of you have a strong connection! He is definitely not going to be nearly as jealous as Mammon would be for example, so hopefully you’d have no conflicts. 

He is one of the more open-minded demons so he will definitely not restrict you in any way. Literally any way.

Oh it’s really nice that you have many friends, he is a social butterfly so he will feel just fine in your circle!

Maybe he would suggest merging his friends group with yours to have an extra big one where all of you have fun! Idk, think about that, its up to you

Anyways house parties are always loud and crwoded when the two of you are hosts. (imagine all the food you need to prepare beforehead....and all that cleanup afterwards...oh god i feel so bad is it really a good idea to match the two of you...)

I know you said you don’t care much about gifts but for sure thats his giving love language so expect many gifts just for you! Makeup, clothes, keychains, instruments, anything that reminds him of you!

I think he would respect you being a coder, I mean that means you could code some stuff for him too, right?? honestly he adores that you are so smart to do all these!

Don’t worry about food, I think you’d go out so much or have food delivered that your cookings skills might be unnecessary.

I think the fact that you are into animes would draw Levi in your circle and honestly Asmo would not really mind that. As I said he doesn’t mind your friends as long as you can give him attention too. He might join you two sometimes before going out or something. If you catch feelings for Levi along the way he doesn��t mind that either, I mean... he is the avatar of lust.... he knows how things work.

I mean in case Asmo hurts you or something I’m sure Levi would be the first person to be there and support you through it!

I headcanon that Asmo is into kpop. I mean idols are just perfect, just like him! you could definitely talk a lot about that! 

He cares so much about appearance he would definitely find a way to have your nails well-kept! 

So this is a very outgoing and energetic relationship, theres always something going on. But the two of you also trust the other and both of you are open-minded so hopefully there wouldn’t be many conflicts. He would absolutely infuelnce your appearance. He is also supportive and sensitive when it comes to you so you really feel special! Your hobbies differ a bit but hey, that is just a way to explore more of what life has to offer! 

[autisticmob]

HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference?? 

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with. 

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.” 

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway. 

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!! 

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that! 

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week. 

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications. 

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind. 

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day. 

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE. 

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine. 

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

[vancalox]

DRAGON AGE QUESTIONS

tagged by: @nordxz​ thanks so much !!! *heart emoji* 

favourite game of the series?

origins! although inquisition is very close as well.  inquisition was my favourite for a very time, but like midway through last year i replayed origins and it just felt.....so good. i really struggled with enjoying dao because of the clunky fighting system but an amazing mutual introduced me to a mod that lets u skip fights basically lol, so i was just able to focus on the story/characters/exploration of the game, which just....made me realize how immensely beautiful the game actually is, and i fell in love all over again aaaaa

how did you discover dragon age?

i was a huge mass effect fan ! mass effect was the game that motivated me to make this blog, actually, and obviously through following people i saw a lot of posts from the da community as well. so i bought origins and inquisition (i had NO idea there was a da2 until half way through awakening lmao) and tried to play origins but HATED it gtrhutgrhugtr and then eventually gave it another try like a month later and completely loved it and now here we are

how many times you’ve played the games?

not as many times as some people on here have - i would say origins maybe four times, da2 maybe twice, inquisition three times. but that also doesnt count all the timesw ive created new games and then abandoned them lol bc theres too many to count 

favourite race to play as?

love me some elf booty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

favourite class?

at first it was rogue dual wielder ! i played as a rogue in every single first-time playthrough and idk i felt that class has always been the easiest/most op. but in the last maybe 2 years it’s changed to mage. ive always been super intimidated by magic classes in every game i play but i LOVE inquisition’s mage classes/specializations and i can never go back now

do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

im so so so bad and i usually end up making very similar choices, but usually bc i just......replay the same characters every time hgtuhgtruhgtrui. i REALLY need to make more da ocs to explore more choices but....i dont want to lol i already have to many. i still havent sided with the templars in a playthrough like i just cant do it 

go-to adventuring group?

i always bring my characters love interest with them no matter what, just bc its cute, but usually i try to evenly cycle the other characters around that. i always try to have a warrior/rogue/mage in every party. but sometimes i’ll go warrior/warrior/mage/mage especially if i need to focus on straight damage and a LOT of healing lol

my favourite parties would probably be:

dao - alistair + zevran + wynne (wholesome and also funny)

da2 - anders + fenris + merrill (SO much chaotic energy)

dai - solas + cassandra + cole (i just love them ok)

which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

ashara lavellan, my canon inquisitor who was never supposed to be canon tghtgurhtrg. my original canon inq was a trevelyan rogue, who was super nice and good. i made ashara so that i could actually play as an evil/mean character without feeling bad lol, oh and i also wanted to see what the deal with solas was bc i had heard his romance was good ;;;;) anyway that backfired and i ended up completely falling in love with her, and i STILL couldnt make the tough choices with her so i was like ok maybe she isnt THAT evil and now shes just..... the way she is now i guess lmao

favourite romance?

trhhtruih okay u guys KNOW its solas. u know. i dont even have to say anythiing about it bc...u fucking know

(alistair’s is very close tho)

have you read any of the comics/books?

i havent :(((( im such a bad fan but i cannot deal with ordering online and thats the only place ive been able to find them. im planning on reading asunder and the masked empire as soon as i get the chance (and the money) tho !!

if you read them, which was your favourite book?

nope

favourite DLCs?

trespasser ! its pretty simple and very plot-driven like u didnt have to worry about side missions as much as u would with other dlcs so idk that was... refreshing. but obviously i loved it just bc it was so beautiful and intense and sad (since my chara romanced solas obviously) and that music score????? unbelievable i’ll never be over it

things that annoy you.

can i say the fandom trghuitgrhutrhui

mostly the thing that pisses me off the most is the grey morality. writers trying to make everything deep and Thought Provoking like..... no jerry, slavery IS bad theres no alternative viewpoint lol??????? also the fucking whitewashing makes me see red. 

orlais or ferelden?

ferelden!!!!! (*blows a kiss* for highever)

templars or mages?

mages <3 

if you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

i only have like 3 protag da characters and they’re all canon, although emeraude is an au. so ella is my canon warden and ashara is my canon inquisitor, but emeraude does exist in that universe, bc i hc she befriended the warden and alistair when they visited the alienage, and she was very outspokenly angry and didn’t really give a shit that alistair was going to be heir. which alistair really,,, appreciated i guess? so emeraude is made his official elven adviser after his coronation but she also kinda helps out as a royal protector because she’s one of the only people in court they both trust completely lol. also she is....stronk. 

and the only other characters i have for da are obviously side characters who are related to my canon protags so. they’re all canon as well lol

what did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

ella named her dog ser bark gthutgrhutghruihtr she thought it was cute ok

emeraude just went with barkspawn since alistair came up with the idea as a joke but she thought the joke was so bad she made them keep it as punishment vjhuightui

i dont really have a hawke oc but.....he named his dog shepard in my playthrough ! like from mass effect ;;;;)))

have you installed any mods?

origins is modded to hell and back and i genuinely couldn’t play the game without mods at this point. inquisition is slightly modded but im in the process of removing them all, and only keeping a few because my game runs pretty terribly with them installed 

did your warden want to become a grey warden?

ella did ! but it was kind of,, a naive childhood dream, she had a really romanticized view of the wardens and she wanted a life of excitement and bravery and adventure, not really taking into consider all the bad things about it (and obviously not knowing the full truth about what it means to be a warden)

emeraude did NOT want to be a warden. she basically had to be dragged out of the alienage because she wanted to stay and protect her community. she never really enjoyed being a warden, although her friendship with alistair was its one redeeming quality 

hawke’s personality?

uh i cant remember the colour/personality thing but he was a combo of funny/ethical. mostly there for memes tho. 

did you make matching armor for your companions in inquisition?

for origins i do ! i always make sure alistair and ella wear the grey warden armour, as well as every warden in awakening. thats like, all theyre allowed to wear lmao.

if your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

ella would obviously change her family’s murder lol, and emeraude would at least try and change what happened at her wedding, to prevent shianni and the others from being hurt. 

ashara would change romancing solas :((( she was so angry at herself after discovering who he was, and she felt weak and foolish which she HATES more than any other feeling, so she definitely wishes she had never met him for a long time. after she kind of processes it though, and learns to deal with her anger, her answer would be that she wishes she had saved the chargers. it’s the one move she made that actually keeps her up at night sometimes. 

do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

ghuitrhuigtrhugtr so many. canon? dont know her. 

the biggest example would be that i hc king!alistair was at the winter palace during the wicked hearts level. because uh..... celene and the fereldan monarchs had been corrosponding for over 10 years, trying to build up rapport, of COURSE the king would be there to see who the potential ruler/s of orlais would be and whether or not he ought to be worried. like. im sorry but alistair was there lol you can’t change my mind. i also hc he helps ashara with information about the grey wardens during this chapter, because ???? it just makes sense??? im so angry i wish this was canon

are any of your characters based on someone?

ok it was unintentional but ashara reminds me of an english teacher i had in highschool who was very scary but also....really cool and i loved her. it was an accident but,, still counts. 

who did you leave in the fade?

gtiturghtugh okay at the risk of pissing off EVERYBODY who reads this, i left hawke in the fade, even though it was a toss up between hawke and stroud. it was ashara’s fault tho !!! she would have 100% prioritzed an alliance with the grey wardens over like,, some guy. it broke my heart but yeah That happened. 

favourite mount?

i like all the elk mounts mostly ! but i never use them bc they sound ugly af

tagging : @trvelyans​ @f3nharel​ @allisondraste​ @ensevens​ @tethraas​ @talizorah​ @fereldun​ if u are up to it <3 and whoever else wants to do this ! 

[mommydragon-of-all]

OC Interview Meme

This looks fun. Also some answers drastically differ depending on around what time this "interview” takes place. So i got thinking and since I was tagged by@sakurabunnie who’s getting to know my pre-inquisition Soren, i choose to time this before Inquisition. Then i was tagged by dear @hadiden-lavellan too, but by then i was halfway through his post, and hey why not, some looking back :) Thank you both!!!! :3333

For Soren (Lavellan):

1. What is your name?

“A lot of people have called me by a lot of names. You can call me Soren.”

2. What is your real name?

“It is actually Soren. Yep, just Soren. I lost my original belonging and i didnt take any of my families surnames. Not permanently nor in any way official.”

3. Do you know why you were called that?

“Oh well, my parents wanted a pair of short and strong names that ring together, even if they had to get a bit creative. Also, as i learned, a pair of names that can be lilted and growled equally well haha “

4. Are you single or taken?

“i am free like a bird. Does your nest have some extra space on a cold night by the way?”

5. Have any abilities or powers?

“Im a highly trained assassin, among … other things. If you ever get in trouble… *slides over a strange little object* flash this around the shady parts of any city. They will take care of the rest. But for your lives sake, do not try to lie”

6. Stop being a Mary Sue.

“ I dont think i ever used that alias… “

7. What’s your eye color?

“Oohhh you are welcome to gaze into them closer, yes ;) no low light excuses, they have their own, so just lean over… “

8. How about your hair color?

“ Oh yes that is harder to tell in different lights. Its dark red, like good wine or blood from the liver .”

9. Have you any family members?

“ I have tons. If you meant blood relation… other than my twin sister i have some distant family. Literally distant even, like few and far between, out in the world. Some of us exchange awesome birthday gifts some years though, regardless of the exact date. Who has time to time that. “

(Scattered by the wind, but firmly standing like the trees)

10. Oh? What about pets?

“ Sadly animals are deadly afraid of me. It takes just a sniff to run for dear life… Even predators… it takes a special blend of proud and crazy to befriend me it seems. I would kill for such treasures. Like that Hart i once fought for an apple in that deep forest and lately rode to far destinations… i think it starts to get even attached!!! If he sticks around im gonna call him Captain. But remember, Dont go close to him! For your dear life, please dont. He is easy to recognize. Big as a mountain and looks like “Oh, Shit”. “

(’Where to, Captain?’)

11. That’s cool I guess, now tell me about something you don’t like.

“ Those things are about to change. Or drop in numbers significantly in the world. Just wait. …as truly as i want to mean that, unfortunately some things never change. Like the darkness in people, festering hearts. There will always be things like betrayal, prejudice, hatred, discrimination, envy, greed, cruelty,... i could go on. People who mostly keep themselves above those shades of their nature are all worth to be protected.“

12. Do you have any hobbies/activities you like doing?

“ Oh there are so many awesome things in the world and so many exciting things to do! I cant even count them. Like there’s hunting dragons for one! Speaking of hunting, there is also treasure hunt and demon hunt and manhunt and wyvernhunt and countless others, the bigger and meaner the better! But then theres also MAGIC! Do you have any idea how awesome that is? Everything magic and everything it touched. Putting together and using magic objects for so many things! And spells??? Potions, lotions, weapons... And there are also PEOPLE! The most magical thing is the warm light in ones heart. And they are so various and unique! There are different languages and codes and symbols and oh the stories! And dance and music and pleasures and laughing and caring and helping and…. oh … haha… im sorry, are you awake? Please ask away. “

(’Ah, what a beautiful day!’)

13. Ever hurt anyone before?

“ I think you snoozed off and forgot about my profession already. :)  “

14. Ever… killed anyone before?

“ Hahaha oh these sharp and pointy things and stuff arent for chopping and cooking vegetables either.”

15. What kind of animal are you?

“Pfffft i am my own species! Hehe! A unique hybrid i guess! But definitely a big animal, yes. Sis’ won that argument long ago, so there you have the answer. “

16. Name your worst habits.

“Hmm? What?” (*Muffs out with one of the interviewers -already leafed through-notebooks between his sharp teeth, booth on table...*) Hey! That is… how did you… *sigh*... nevermind  

(exhibit 99: ‘”I’ll go straight there!”)

17. Do you look up to anyone at all?

“My sister, definitely. She is the best. She is indestructible in every way i swear! Gotta be the strongest person alive. She is also really cool. But hot. I mean explosive! Not that shes not hot, technically... she is my female version after all haha. And caring for me with great big sister love (*mumble*:even if i am like 5 minutes older), but dont spread that ;) Might harm her notoriety.  I also look up to several of my tutors and many other people for many different reasons. People can be so many kinds of amazing.”

18. Gay, straight, or bisexual?

“You can not expect me to label my interests in a world full of so many differently beautiful people with warm hearts.”

19. Do you go to school?

“Yes. Life. 24/7. Got less intense since i learned how to survive and sustain myself, and grew a strong body to back up my needs and will, but there are always new things to learn and lessons you never asked for too. I had some actual teachers along the way too, but lately mostly i just teach myself what i dont just encounter by diving into new things. Which is not only fun by the way, you are bound to learn a few things. Then there are books, theories, researching, digging, honing instincts and reflexes, combining and refining techniques or theories, trial and error... Life is a bottomless school “

20. Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day?

“Wow, wow, you mean like.. babies? Sweet Fade, i wouldnt dare breathe their way, they are so fragile... little young PEOPLE, persons who arrived so recently and understand so little and cant even tell whats up just cry and i cant understand them, i understand every language but i can not understand babies for my life and ... and... thats terrifying! And do you have any idea how EASY it is to kill someone? And then there is that small bundle of vulnerability, my proximity could be lethal to it! And .... *sigh*... sorry just... It all would depend on that special person i might find who would want to keep me for life, for better or worse, and if they wanted kids... even if babies, i would be on board. I would do anything for that special someone. Even learn baby care... Bigger kids, well, i already have :D . In good care. If any of them were to be taken under my constant and indirect care, would depend on a lot of things. Right now they are much safer otherwise.”

21. Do you have any fanboys/fangirls?

“Most certainly ;D.But none of them know much about me, of course. With that comes a transformation of those feelings”

22. What are you most afraid of?

‘Im not afraid of ANYTHING!” *eyes instantly betraying* “Fine, fine, gotta be loss. Ironic, isnt it, for i have but what is on my person. Replaceable come and goes. Im mostly afraid of losses that arent even really “mine”, but others. Loved ones or even barely known ones loosing their lives or their light. Loosing my sister, myself, my heart... that is all i am. The only thing i cannot live without is my heart, i AM my heart, and loosing pieces of it or have it broken or freezing through a hole... I hate how selfish that is. But yeah. There you go. I still tend to leave pieces of it everywhere, and it only grows with that, funny how that works, but it also tends to get wounded on every turn. I fear the numbing cold. I fear the day when i cant hold it together and go on anymore.”

(from “When you are away”)

23. What do you usually wear?

“What you see is my whole wardrobe, hahah. But i shift and change to blend in from the dirt of Orzammar’s dust town to the shining halls of Orlesian palaces. Its fun.  What i like to wear mostly are well covering clothes, that allow a great scale of mobility, but not baggy to catch on things. Made of high quality materials only. My clothes MUST be of great quality materials, more for comfort than durability. Heightened overall senses arent always fun. Oh and for outer wear i like leather, especially dragonskin stuff for light armor, and long boots are the only footwear i acknowledge, some with high heels, and a matching pair of long gloves from soft fine leather are necessary too. Long coats from mostly leather and all the necessary leather straps and harnesses and pouches and belt too of course. If it counts, all my current favorite necklaces with magical pendants and bracelets are a constant wear too. It also doesnt hurt if my clothes look great. But fine materials tailored to my body and my needs usually bring that effect without further touches.”

(*his gear gotta let his smooth ass move*)

24. Do you love someone?

“I love all good people. ...and some others”

25. When was the last time you wet yourself?

"Bahahahhahaa now thats some blunt question! It deserves to be answered truthfully. I wish i could say when i was a baby, but truth is i think it happened a few times during the wilder rides of intense poison training with blood magic assistance, but im not really sure, i was barely conscious through those parts from pain and all kinds of nasty sensations, i came to my senses naked and tucked in after them. I never do extreme limit pushing training alone. There were also times when i was subject to some blood spells and experiments unwilling too. I have some suspicious blurry memories that i have made all sorts of messes. Egh. Lets move on to more fun questions”

26. Well, it’s not over yet!

“Perfect!”

27. What class are you? (High class, middle class, low class)

“I live outside of such systems. But i took part in every class during my life, thanks to current families or goals.”

28. How many friends do you have?

“Plenty, but one cant have too many. Helping each other goes a long way. I tend to make some friends everywhere i go, but i have few close friends. The closest one is my sis’. She knows me more than i know myself, and she is always there for me, at any cost.”

29. What are your thoughts on pie?

“Pie? One of the most fun cakes. It was invented for throwing i swear!”

30. Favourite drink?

“Hmmmm... old, red wine, hot and seasoned, spiced with a nice kick of that special antivan poison blend. I dont recommend you trying it, but you dont know what you’re missing out.”

31. What’s your favourite place?

“Wherever i am welcome.”

(*one favorite place example. It is not Where, it is Who*)

32. Are you interested in someone?

“I am interested in everyone. Are you fishing for some special interest?”

33. What’s your bra cup size and/or how big is your willy?

“Hahahha oh you never disappoint! Well, it was a long time ago when i last i wore a bra, back when i could still pull off the young girl appearance, to get in paces and so on. I always made sure to have a proportional but quite evident bosom. Oh it was such fun, my long hair helped too, and i dished out that act spot on! Like that time in Val Royeaux, when the heads i turned waltzing in as part of a rich antivan court were spinning all around in frantic search in the chaos, while i walked right out as a male servant. Oh sorry, i got distracted. You also asked about my “willy” if i recall correctly. If you would like to measure it so badly we can discuss that later ;) “

34. Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean?

“Hmmm.... whichever promises more sunk treasures and secrets. Some lakes hide quite the surprises let me tell you.”

(’Looks like a perfect place for some diving..’)

35. What’s your type?

“My type of what, exactly, dear? ;)”

36. Any fetishes?

“I am very flexible in many ways, let me tell you, in case you are planning to bend me to your will. And if id have some suggestions, well, let it remain a little mystery for now ;p”

37. Seme or uke? Top or Bottom? Dominant or Submissive?

“Depends. What would you like me to be?”

38. Camping or indoors?

“Nothing beats a warm bed and a well secured resting place. Especially with my... condition, and experiences”

39. Are you wanting the interview to end?

“Are you kidding me? You have such awkward, uncomfortable questions... Let me get a new round of drinks for us and lets do this till morning!” “What do you mean new round... when did this cup of hot wine get here? It has my name on it??? What the... I better go i think.”

40. Now it’s over!

“What? Oh come on, we just got to some really “embarrassing” parts! Talking about “embarrassing”, would you like to hear the story of my encounter with this qounari dreadnought captain and ended up on board to Ostwick? Maybe you can tell me some stories yourself too in exchange..” *puppy eyes+shining grin combo* “Well, im not exactly in a hurry...” “Excellent!” *shifts closer and pours more wine*

I tag @quizzikemen @pelle-lavellan @hadiden-lavellan @sakurabunnie @elalavella @nipuni and everyone who wants to do it! For those who already did this consider this a tag for another OC! Gotta love them all :D (if you feel like doing it. I always feel like reading it)

[obannthepunished]

well that backstory drop was everything that I had hoped for pretty much I took some pretty long notes imo?? (extra note: i take these for personal use theres just so much shite im sorry) Anyway I tried to transcribe most of the molly scene so its probably spelled like SHIT cause i was typing on one laptop and looking at the other

that outta the way, heres my notes from this week

Mollymauk knows Exactly whats fucking happening ((Additional later note: No he does not. Fuck.) "its lucien from two years ago" "this is my nightmare just go with it" (high pitched) "I'LlL eXpLaIn LatEr" So very very very stressed and panicky

Tabaxi: I'm sorry for using your old name. "Nonagon." Jesus CHRIST FUCKING MOLLY "we watched you die" Cree? Kree? Pronounced that way. Organisation name "Tomb Takers"

The gentleman: a (pale?) teal-skinned, dark haired character leather gloves + black hair (shoulderish length) "Perpetually sweating" ew lmao. dampness. (Uhhhh water genasi???? >This isnt canon just based on what I know?) Long table

Kree (sp) takes blood from them as collateral, can track with it? Beau to Fjord: ... Can I borrow a tusk

"Lets gamble" - The gentleman, gambling with Fjord 50 gold buy in, "If I win, you're mine. If you win, we do business." Bets up to 300gp each (600 total) Fjord wins. Oh jesus CHRIST. That was so stressful RIP the chance of me sleeping again.

Kara is there. shes been informing about the knights of requital

Molly + Beau associated with the murder of the high ricter. "I can make this investigation... go away (fwoosh)" " favour in kind" a wall with a purple light and an abandoned research facility. The Gentleman wants them to check it out. "Find a way in. Enquire. Seek and clear the space of any dangers. Hostile creatures. Return with any of your findings."

Nott "would you pass a test for us" two vials of alcohol, one of acid, reasonably the same colour. "this is alcohol. This is alcohol. THIS ONE is Acid." (drinks the fucking acid) (ooc excitement OOOOOH, THAT IS SO BALLER)

Beau (gives Kara a wink) (to Fjord) "Deal with that later" "Boutta say the same"

"Undead ghost things" and Taliesin and Ashley share just like a Look (Molly's thing is undead iirc??? and fiend? idk i need to do research)

Beau deliberately fucking up nonagon is very very funny. Nonotech. Nantucket.

A constant lucien stream of "we'll talk about this later" and "It's Lucien in this bar"

Yasha "i think im just looking for answers for something and i dont know if i recieved any more" Caleb insisting theres no pressure to tell them things when Nott is pressing for information. I love Caleb. Hes wonderful. Someone smooch him.

Caleb: we have been getting our hands dirty are you sure you want to get your hands dirty with us? yasha: thats all I like to do, my friend Lucien: It's a sight to behold! (followed by That Taliesin Grin. you KNOW the one.)

Yasha is from Xhorhas. I can't spell. You know what im aiming for lulu spell check it later. Southern parts of Xhorhas, not where the assassin(s) were from. Has been in the empire for "about a year and a half" ("when did i meet you?" to Molly.)

Hes so stressed. Its so wonderful. I love this.

They go to talk to Kara shes sharpening blades. She fuckin hates xhorhasians. So does the gentleman apparently. Worked for him for 8 years. relationship of convenience. "You got a nice face" - Beau to Kara. "Looks like we're in bed one way or the other" Kara jokes about working together Beau: I mean... Fjord: Leave that one alone. Leave that one alone. Beau: ...Okay.

Drop of the greatsword is "moontouched"?????

(re the xhorhasian longsword) It's taller than Nott Yasha: (in the voice when things are adorable) It's taller than Nott? Lucien: Many things are taller than Nott.

The ogre is 10 or 11 feet tall. Thats taller than my room. My room is only like 8 feet tall.

Caleb introduces himself with his full name. I dont think this has ever happened. EDIT: @madnessiseverything

caleb has actually introduced himself with his full name a few times if i recall. for example with the knights of requital (i think??) and back in trostenwald comes to mind immediately

I’m still learning to be an encyclopaedia again thanks friend Jester uses the wand of smiles. "Kutha" is the Ogre's name (Late afternoon they leave)

"dohecadoohickey"

theyre in Molly + Fjords room iirc cause Horus?(Sp) is in there (He leaves to Beau and Jester’s room wholst they talk)

Beau "i have dated way too many Luciens before" (Also applioes to marisha)

"why do you have so many names" "I woke up without any names or any past buried in the ground two years ago" "my firs memory my oldest memory is dirt in my face underground" Zone of truth is cast!!! Pass: Beau, Fjord Fail: Nott, Molly, Yasha, Caleb Molly has No Fucking Idea who he is. Gods the fandom called this. "some asshole got buried in the dirt. FUCK HIM." disassociates Lucien with Molly. Got more tattoos. days between waking up and the carnival. barely speaking. woke up alone. Cakeb: are you a good guy? Molly:..... I'd like to think so. "a few months after I came to, I started noticing I could do (blood hunter) things." (Ices a dagger) He really doesnt wanna know who he used to be. GOD I CALLED THE FLASHBACKS. A fuckup: Mollymauk finds someone in the group super attractive Yasha: "yes there are people here that i think are very attractive and charming but that doesnt mean I'll act on that." mollys just holdiong a glowing bedpost. radiant glow. "i am told, though i dont really remember this part, that I only said the word empty over and over for the first week" can you imagine how it would feel to not feel anything about anything that has happened to you so far? everyone but beau: no beau: yes. Molly:... why am i not surprised. "The Moonweaver"??? ooh son. "never trust the truth. Truth is vicious. The truth thinks that you owe it something. I like my bullshit. It's good, it's happy, It makes other people happy." "do you know who the moonweaver is?" "No." "Good. The swords are cheap carnival glass."

Moonweaver is elven deity, god over the night and shadow, music, not one of the approved religions. not a betrayer god, is inspiration for classic art, caretaker of evening trysts.

fjord: its you thats special, not your swords "i feel tinges of things on occasion. Nothing I like." "i may be a liar but I'm never a betrayer." Oooh molly actually somewhat believes in fortune telling. "I left EVERY TOWN better than I found it." Snake with red eye on palm and opposite side. Eye in floral arrangement. Crimson. Same place he bleeds on his neck in the peacock feathers. "i need to protect you snd myself from whatever that is. Its a wildcard." "I feel like youre fretfully ignorant and full of platitudes but I sstill like you" - Molly to Nott

oh on the undead again- it is Molly's thing, I was right. Wispy orb things haunt areas where they seek life force. Will-o-wisps. Thats hot. Lmao cause theyre often fire??? LMAO SON.

molly get suncomfortably close to fjord as he bonds with the new blade and puts hand on his chest "The power was in you... all along. SEE YOU AT BREAKFAST! :D"

Beau: (asks Caleb to buy her something sharp she can throw) DO NOT *FUCK ME* HERE CALEB, DO NOT FUCK ME. Caleb: ... Not interested, but-

"Zemnians dont tell jokes. They experience only pain." (OOC Sam its just funny)

Pumat Prime a little surlier than the others.

Yasha rocking that fucked charisma <3

Fjord BUYS THE FUCKING 800GP CLOAK? JESUS. Yasha pays 80GP (10gp discount) for 2 healing potions Caleb buys ink + parchment.

Yasha assumes Fjord's making fun of her awwwww!!! Hes being genuone complimenting her haggling skill bless.

Caleb is so 100% aware how FUCKING gay Beau is for yasha honestly. theres no way. (Additional later note confirmed in a gag mostly OOC, in character but not? in canon)

Beau playing the parental figure to horus, did you get everything? go pee one more time before you leave!

Molly sees guards and splits from the group to hide at The LEaky Tap.

they put a bag over Horus' head. its funny. Creepy card dealer gnome "dweeze"??

Beau and Caleb holdin hands. so fuckign adorable. "beau doesnt like me much." (beau holds him so he doesnt fall) ((NOTE @ ME this is a Good One. Think about it.)

Order in tunnel Fjord, Yasha, Molly, Jester, Beau, Nott, Caleb

"do you know how to drive a boat" Nott lmao

This weeks Nott stance from lulu: like 5/10 (About the same as last week)

[noidsome]

The big issue with the digimon tri movies, and why you should be pissed too.

I just finished watching the 5th digimon movie, and to put it short, i excpected nothing and im still let down. This is a big negative critique on what ive seen so far from the tri movies, but its also more of a vent for me, because theres something about these movies that really fucking grinds my gears and i feel i finally need to let that out somewhere. Look at this as a sort of....badly written analyctic rant. So far this movie, in short, was as i dreaded, 70% meiko bullshit and 20% kari...which is so fucking insulting i dont even know...but thats why im here.

Now before you assblast me with your stupid crap, please try to understand that as harsh as im writing this, im trying to look at this movie from a critical standpoint, and no im not going to put in the effort to be “nice” about it because if digimon tri can get away with half assing everything about itself, then wont bother. If you cant handle that, move on. If your interested, click the read more and we can begin this shit fest, because i think its about god damn time someone put these mediocre movies in their place.

The pacing.

I dont know about you guys, but to me it feels like these movies, or episodes, are either dragging on forever, or they rush really fast. This movie especially took its sweet ass time to give us 2 whole half an hour scenes of meiko being depressed about her shitty OC digimon, to leave the actual interesting fights and plot to 1 and a half episode, out of 4. Im sorry but i feel like ive been following this fucking story for 6 years, its so fucking slow and it drags on for fucking ever sometimes.

I do understand that its important to establish character interactions, and god damn does this fucking series need some, but sometimes it really stops the action dead in its tracks, and as much as i appriciate the movies giving each character some focus, it goes on for too long. the ending to movie 5 was....well rushed as shit. 

But despite all this, its just really frustrating that half the entire series is just them standing around and TALKING...talking talking talking, exposition exposition exposition. It also feels really slow and stagnated sometimes, and the cheesy music in the background of the sad scenes dont really help much. And other times things are glossed over so fast that im standing there wondering if i missed out on something because i accedently blinked. Like how they entered the digital world, only to just suddently fall out of it immediatly after from a big digital gate just like that. Or how meiko just...SUDDENTLY appeared in the digital world with no warning or real reason. huh?? shes here now?? what?? meicoomon is still infected? what?? gennai is back with the dark masters? what where did they come from? why are they following him!? WHAT?? HUH??? HELLO???

im just….frustrated. im frustrated that i have to wait for 6+ months every a new movie comes out, only for the movie to stall for fucking ever and leave the actual OH SHIT moments to the last part, AND END ON A CLIFFHANGER. Its such fucking god damn bait to get us to watch the other movies, its almost INSULTING how incredibly obvious it is. Last movie ended with gennai fucking around and choking meiko. Then, as i saw my fat ass down in the chair, waiting for the big battle, no meicoo just...opened portals and then left with her copy paste army. Oh well so much for that. 

Then the digidestined actually FALL OUT OF THE DIGITAL WORLD, and they are right back to standing around and getting chased by the cops...and then they spend THE REST OF THE EPISODES on meikos useless crying and baiting for meichi shipping material. im sorry but was that neccecary? was it neccecary to stop the entire god damn movie just so we could have tai standing there with spaghetti falling out of his pockets? and the mega evolutions for the other digimons felt really rushed too, i had hoped for more build up...but guess i get fuck alll.

The filler.

Now i do enjoy myself a little “filler” once in a while, i wont lie. and i will also not lie when i say that i really enjoyed seeing my boi tais hot nipple-less body. But, again…. DID WE NEED THE FIRST HALF BEING JUST THAT?! i swear to fucking god if you cut out all the filler content from these movies your going to get the entire series down to 5 episodes. Movie 2 was just...filler. fucking filler. i didnt have much issue with movie 3 but they just NEEDED to shove more meiko in..

movie 4 was kind of a bitch to sit trough because the whole damn “plot” made no sense. why was soras digimon the only one who was mad and while the others were just like before? why JUST her? why couldnt the others be like that too? Its just plot convenience at this point. and then it was pretty much just watching tai and matt spew spaghetti out of their pockets and be awkward because sora cant communicate with her friends like a normal person. Honestly it was a little charming at first but it got old pretty quickly…and then dark masters out of nowhere that died as fast as they came on. what a rushed little cameo for that extra nostalgia bait.

Honestly i found myself first liking the character interactions a little once the movies took a break from the action and fighting...but i much more often found myself angrily tapping my foot and going “REEEE MOVE ON.”

The god damn meiko.

Alright you all saw this one coming probably. Now let me just start by saying, i originally didnt mind meiko, or the idea of a new digitestined in the first place. Its welcoming to try and add something new to your otherwise soulless nostalgia cash grab. However we need to look at her from a critical stand point. im not trying to start a hate train, im just going to analyze her for how shes written as a character.

Im sorry to say this guys, but no matter how you look at her, shes a mary sue. Im sorry but all the tropes are there!! but why do i feel this way? heres why:

Her digimon is the sole reason for everything going to shit.

her digimon is in adult stage like gatomon just because.

essentially her digimon is “special”

all the other kids befriended her really fast just because.

everyone likes meiko and nobody seems to have a problem with her

shes the typical “uguu” shy type of girl.

her digimon OF COURSE won the costume contest in movie 2 or 3

leomon finds HER DIGIMON adorable enough to make the others run off... of course….

she cries constantly and does nothing but wine as the others hold her.

She takes up MAJORITY of the screentime for almost all movies. Almost.

POSSIBLY a relationship with the main character, if they actually are baiting us with those scenes in movie 5.

acts and feels like a self-insert OC in a canon universe.

The reason i dont like her is just because im SICK OF HER!! im sick of seeing her fucking face every god damn movie. im sick of the others shoving a friendship speech or talking about her belonging to them for the 700th GOD DAMN TIME, im sick of constantly hearing ME-MEI and MEIKOOOOOO, and im so fucking sick of seeing her sit down and cry or act sad and do NOTHING! shes just THERE TO BE THERE! her “cute little sneezing quirk” wasnt even something they bothered keeping any more. Shes so god damn obnoxious and shallow, and the ENTIRE HALF OF THE 5TH MOVIE WAS SPENT SHOVING MORE FRIENDSHIP SPEECHES IN HER FUCKING HEAD UNTIL SHE NUTTED UP AND STRAIGHT UP TOLD THE OTHERS TO AXE OFF MEICOOMON, while kari got 5 fucking minutes and got posessed or some shit i dont fucking know, does anyone care at this point?! 

shes such a god damn self insert its PAINFUL! and ive read plenty of crappy OC digimon fanfiction in my days to be able to tell when someone props their crappy OC in a canon story. IVE DONE IT MYSELF!! its INSULTING that im watching a canon produced digimon FANFICTION more then an actual OVA. If you like her, FINE, but you CANT ignore how incredibly shallow and flawed shes written. This isnt someone “hating female characters” this is someone whos frustrated a shittly written character who is just causing repetitive sob scenes over and over and over. im sorry but have we not gotten enough flashbacks from meiko and her digimon? do we need 4 more in the fifth movie??? WE GET IT! ITS SAD! SHES SAD!! THEY ARE FRIENDS! MOVE ON ALREADY!!

i dont feel bad for her anymore, its just getting repetitive now. She ate up the entire 5th movie and left nothing to kari but the sloppy leftovers at the end, and because she ran off like an idiot to meicoomon she got tai axed off too……………...but i will get to that.

The lack of animation.

The biggest insult, and this is….dare i say…….something coming from an animation student, is the insufferable animation. The first movie is fine, but from thereon, i feel like the quality dropped significantly. and oh boy, dont get me started on the amount of time they just pan a fucking picture instead of animating them doing shit.

im sorry but did i wait 4-6 months for a fucking clipshow? I know that animating is hard, and the animation industry in japan is absolute fucking shit, but come the fuck on guys. i think movie 5 had so many times where they just panned pictures of the digimon fighting, and the kids running. I guess when you put all your budget into overanimating the short action scenes you got, you dont have much left for them to trow a punch outside of that. and i wouldnt mind if they had just bothered not doing it so much. they do it WAY TOO OFTEN!

in the 4th move they didnt even fucking bother drawing the kids wet while they were in the water. no wet droopy hair, no indication the clothing was soaked, nothing. not a god damn fucking detail or anything.

The nostalgia bait

Hey kids, remember the bus in the digital world??? remember the gear desert? remember the house mimi was a princess in?? remember the pink forest? remember seadramon? remember the dark masters???? remember any of that shit!? remember primary village?! YEAH??? REMEMBER ALL THOSE COOL 01 THINGS??? ok cool, anyway moving on.

The lack of personality/soul

one thing im really passionate about is expressions. expressive characters and facial expressions i something i enjoy drawing a lot. in the original digimon, every character was spesifically designed to be its own thing. sure they stank of the 90s, but they wer UNIQUE. Digimon tri has trown all that shit out the window. Now they all look boring as hell. the only unique thing about them now is their hair. take that away, and you get a bunch of similar looking, boring samefaced characters.

the digimon movies are just so fucking SOULLESS! everyone looks so god damn watered down and tame compared to their former selves. everyone wears a school uniform even when they got summer vacation. they even wear school uniforms as they get to the digital world, and they have NO facial expressions. NONE! the way they talk and show emotions is almost nonexistant. even once they are seriously screaming at someone or focusing on something serious, they still have that stale, boring as shit facial expression. stone faced and COLD! its like you dont even care!! seriously its so frustrating to watch sometimes because they are so god damn bland and barely deviate at all from their typical “idle” face.

^count how many fucking times tai makes this face troughout the entire series. 

^am i the only one who thinks they looks very..bland and dull here? and this happens way too often.

seriously, watch the movies again and notice just how little the animators bothered giving them any fucking emotions. the screenshots here are just from a few minutes in the new movie.

And dont get me started on how everyone seemed so.........accepting of tais “death” i mean sure they might still be in shock,.....but......why did none of pic under appear???? 

WHy was everyone so.....noble??? except kari...who got....fucking owned.

and the digimon....most of them are just....comic relief now. i feel like most of them have little personality, but fucking agumon. what the FUCK have they done to agumon!? hes just a walking talking “i like to eat” joke. hes fucking nothinng. an empty boring sack of shit who just talks about food and NOTHING ELSE!! oh and maybe fights sometimes...but seriously.

The BAIT.

The trailers for these movies have made me fall into the bait they put out. But its getting infuriating now. All the trailer bait for movie 5 was just taken form the last 5 minutes of the film. that little teaser we all thought were going to show the dark ocean? yeah that was what….5 seconds at the very last minute of the movie? Hime was the one who went there, and they even rushed that part. 

remember when we all tought that tai was the kaiser because the animators thought they copy the excact same hairstyle? remember how they all baited us with the kaiser thinking we were gonna get some 02 action? i sure as FUCK do.

i LOVED the last minutes of the movies. i loved the last half of episode 3 and the entire episode 4… but im so fucking angry that i have to wait 4-6 months for the conclusion to when the movie was JUST GETTING INTERESTING! i fucking hate it!!

The 02 kids, or lack thereof.

Ok honestly ive completely forgotten about them, and i dont understand why they bothered putting them in this movie. and they give us absolutly nothing to go on for ALL of the movies! WHY? WHATS THE POINT?! with this series endless stalling, how can they possibly explain their absence or death or whatever in what little time we have left?! how will they half ass this?! i seriously dont get how they can begin with something so intense, only to give us absolutly nothing till the last movie, IF AT ALL!

Taichis “””””””””””””””””death.”””””””””””””””””

So the fuckers had the BALLS to kill off my boi tai. They actually went there. they fucking killed him off. AND LEFT IT ON A CLIFFHANGER! wow fucking good job guys, you sure got me there. i cant believe tai is fucking dead.

except wait a second here…..tai isnt dead. of course he fucking isnt. i mean come the fuck on, are you really expecting them to kill off their marketig king? the face of all their merc? PLEASE! we all fucking know that hes going to come back. THEY BASICALLY SPOILED THE MOVIES FOR US ALREADY, didnt they say in an interview far back that these movies were whats going to lead everyone up to their careers? so why the fuck would tai die when we know hes going to be an ambassador? 

i dont fucking understand why they even bothered with this fake ass death. WE KNOW HES GOING TO COME BACK! im not mad that tai “died,” im mad that they actually bothered making it a cliffhanger, as if we arent going to fucking figure out hes coming back in the next movie. WHATS THE POINT?! Are they going to just shove him off till the last 5 minutes of the last movie? is that it? are they going to do what they did to kari? or are we FINALLY going to see tai resolving his persional issues that have been shoved away to make room for everything else? who knows, who cares at this point?!

The conclusion

Digimon tri was something enjoyable for me to look forward to..but now, its just a bunch of frustrating, medicore, nostalgia cash-grabbing shitfests of movies, and i need to get it out of my system. 

Im angry because i have to wait 4-6 months between each movie only to get nothing. im angry that i have to wait 4-6 months for an hour long movie that has actual content thats 20 minutes long. im sick of having my excpectations set to low, only for them to be lowered even more. im sick of seeing meiko basically becoming the main characters as the others are somewhat side characters at this point. im sick of the shit-tier animation quality and the stone-bored dull surprise faces. im sick of wanting this to be good, only to see that the fucking directors and animators arent even fucking trying anymore. Im sad, that the sequel was put in the hands of incompetent fucks who only know digimon trough their most basic character traits, and nothing more.

i do like tri...and im sad to see it go so soon….but part of me wants to get this over with, because if you like it or not, tri isnt a passionate fan sequel. tri is a boring, mediocre cash grab, and im sad it cantt be more then that, and im sad its over soon...

[hollas-blog]

INFJ Personality Type

Which is your personality type? Find out here: https://www.16personalities.com/ Apparently, I am an INFJ-T, one of the 16  Myers-Briggs personality types  “making up less than 2 percent of the world’s entire population. They are nicknamed “the Advocate” and have been described as “mysterious,” “intuitive,” and “emotionally intelligent” — yet the INFJ type as a whole is often misunderstood.” (https://introvertdear.com/news/infj-signs/)

SINGS YOU’RE AN INFJ.

https://youtu.be/Stg7XGgkq94

It’s super interesting to read and learn about the Jungian archetypes and maybe it’s so fascitating for me, because I am an INFJ, just like Carl Gustav Jung himself (and many others, such as Jesus, Plato, Adolf Hitler).  

INFJ’s are old souls, we see right through you and know by our intuition how someone is feeling and we can sense if someone is true to themselves or not.

INFJ’s spend a lot of time alone with their hobbies, we are creative and always have some projects to work on. (But we also enjoy doing absolutely nothing and procrastinating).

INFJ’s care a lot about other people’s feelings and avoid conflict as much as possible. We care about others, sometimes a little too much.

A very interesting website is: https://introvertdear.com/

It describes a lot about introverts in general and gives a lot of information about INFJ, as one of those misunderstood personalities. It gave me more insight into understanding myself. I am OVERTHINKING everything A LOT, a typical INFJ behaviour...

We hate liars and two-faced, selfish people, thus we are observing people from afar.

Like with relationships, the INFJ prefer a few, but valuable items, therefore INFJs are minimalists. They prefer quality over quanitiy.

The INFJ is someone who enjoys the silence and being alone, but also has secrets and hardly opens up to others.

Sometimes we prefer staying alone, even if we feel lonely...

INFJs hate small talk, but love meaningful conversations with people they trust. Often we just feel misunderstood, so we often keep our thoughts to ourselves, especially around strangers. “One of our major pain points as INFJs is because we have been misunderstood by people so often in our lives, we assume that will never change. We presume that our lives are going to continue in the same vein, where people misunderstand us, judge us, and shun us. We may be so used to this idea that we into every social situation with that presumption in our back pocket.“Of course, no one is going to understand me if I speak, so why bother?” Thus, we may end up staying way too quiet for way too often.“ (https://introvertdear.com/news/why-infjs-go-quiet-even-though-theres-a-lot-on-their-minds/)

INFJ’s have a very helpful nature, but sometimes it drains our energy and we will need alone time to recharge. If someone hurts us repeatetly, we will close ourselves to keep us safe from emotional damage and suffering. 

INFJ’s are literally “emos” with a dark soul, who just want to be accepted for who they are. We care too much about others and are perfectionists. We keep things organized, but also want everything to be absoluetely perfect, even our relationships. We always think about the future and long-term possibilities.

But INFJs also need help sometimes and and tend to suffer from depression, anxiety, trust-issues and even burn-out. What we feel in our psyche can even hurt physically.

INFJ’s will shutdown their emotions when they are hurt and appear cold and emotionless. 

INFJs are sometimes tired of helping others and will shut down and move away from other people.

But actually they also want to keep a long-lasting relationship, just like everyone else. It’s worth taking your time getting to know an INFJ, because we are usually very nice people who just want to find someone special who takes the time for us. We take friendships and romantic relationships very seriously. “INFJs, like many introverts, are often accused of overthinking and being too “in our heads.” And yes, it’s true, sometimes this tendency of ours creates a problem for us. We lie awake thinking about something embarrassing we did five years ago. Or we pour over the conversation we had earlier in the day with you, wondering if something we said hurt or disappointed you.In truth, if we love you, we’ll spend time analyzing and reflecting on our time together. We also daydream, and yes, our fantasies will be about you.” (https://introvertdear.com/news/why-infjs-go-quiet-even-though-theres-a-lot-on-their-minds/)

INFJs sometimes just want to stay in the dark and enjoy melancholic music, arts and books.

INFJ’s are not good with verbal communication, but prefer writing. Thus they are good authors and artists.

We care extremely subborn and mostly think we are right in a discussion and we can’t stand crisisism!

INFJ’s are sometimes stubborn and honest, we say what we think straightforward.

“INFJs can be extremely stubborn when they believe that something is right. INFJs are perfectly capable of bending on things that they feel receptive to, but in some cases they can be rather firm. When the INFJ has made the choice to follow through with something, they dislike other people attempting to force their hand. They can sometimes be rather stubborn, since they have likely taken plenty of time to come to their current conclusion. They have a hard time in situations where they feel like someone is attempting to take away their independence. More than anything else, INFJs can be stubborn when it comes to asking for help. They struggle to depend on others, and do not want to be a burden.“

(https://personalitygrowth.com/heres-how-stubborn-each-personality-type-actually-is/)

There is something INFJ’s are known for, it’s the so called the INFJ Door Slam.

INFJ’s don’t door slam without reasoning. Often they are really hurt when it happens, it happens after a long time of consideration.

It’s worth the time getting to know an INFJ, because they make great friends. INFJs are good listeners and extremely empathetic, they like to motivate and inspire others and will be your greatest fan.  “INFJs have a tendency to “absorb” the emotions of the people around them. When you’re in pain, they feel your pain. When you’re happy, they’re overjoyed for you. If you want to talk to someone who will really try to see your perspective, get in your shoes, and understand where you’re coming from, the INFJ is an excellent choice.“ (https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2018/07/23/7-reasons-why-you-need-an-infj-friend-in-your-life/)

INFJs don’t have many friends, they usually only have a few close friends and one so called “soul friend”, who we want to keep forever. “This is the inner circle, the people we trust and who we have let get close. It’s the type of friendship we’re searching for; the place where INFJs find the intimate emotional and intuitive connection we crave. Many INFJs only have one person in this category and some have yet to find this connection. It’s always a very small number of people.” (https://www.jennifersoldner.com/2016/02/infj-friendship-levels.html)

If you want to find an INFJ as friend, you should keep a few things in mind, read here:

Things an INFJ needs in a friendship:

https://introvertdear.com/news/things-to-know-about-being-friends-with-an-infj/

Are you an INFJ?

Hopefully this guide has helped you understanding this rare personality type. ❤    

[soulkiba]

I saw you reblogged one of those ask memes. I want you to answer all of the questions!!

Alright here I go~

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?Nah neither of us would be straight enough for that in the first place.2. You talked to an ex today, correct?Nope, don’t have one.3. Have you taken someones virginity?Oh jeez, no.4. Is trust a big issue for you?Well...usually not really, I tend to trust people pretty easily but it just takes time for me to really get comfortable with them.5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?I would’ve really liked to but unfortunately no.6. What are you excited for?Hmmm...can’t really think of anything rn tbh.7. What happened tonight?Nothing really special, stayed up skyping with friends until around 3 AM, drew and played some Video games.8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?I guess disgusting is a kinda harsh word? Or not the right one. I just get really uncomfortable around people who are really drunk, not only girls, just in general.9. Is confidence cute?Hmmm...not really for me? I guess I think people who are insecure about things are at times more adorable then people who are very sure of themselves. Though now that I think about it, I guess people who are confident can be cute in their own way too?I’m just gonna say eveyone is cute.10. What is the last beverage you had?Iced Tea.11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?I would say one.12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?Nope! I actually thought about getting some from times to times but was never really sure of it.13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?Either skyping with friends or watching something on youtube with some snacks and relax. Actually sounds a bit sad now that I read that?14. What are you going to spend money on next?I can see my dumb ass investing money into video games again but I need a new Laptop for the School I’m going too so that should probably be the next thing I actually need to buy.15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?Never kissed someone before!16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?Yeah I think so and I’m pretty scared about that.17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?One of my best friends, @nueps . Oh and definetely @gonjcat too. You guys are awesome.18. The last time you felt broken?Huh...I’m not sure, lately I’ve been doing a bit better but I think it should’ve been last Winter, not 100% sure which month though.19. Have you had sex today?Nope, don’t have anyone for that anyways.20. Are you starting to realize anything?Uuuh...don’t think so rn.21. Are you in a good mood?Not really? Just woke up and I’m still pretty tired and a bit anxious.22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?Yeah sure. I mean, as long as I won’t do it alone cause I would probably be very scared. But sharks are awesome.23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?Not sure what the colour of my Dad’s eyes actually are but I don’t think so.24. What do you want right this second?Uh...something to drink. I should get something, hang on.Update: Had Iced Tea right beside me but didn’t see it.25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?Well...if we are in an relationship I would definetely get really scared and insecure and ask them why they did it, probably immediately jumping to the worst conclusions.If it’s just like, a crush or something I would probably just stay silent but still would get pretty bummed out.26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?Yup, never dyed my hair before. Wouldn’t really have any idea what colour anyways.27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?Thats...a weird question? I don’t think so too. Cause I laugh when I am happy and if they don’t make me happy, why should I date them then?28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?The friends that I skyped with yesterday. Or more like, today but very early today.29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?Nah.30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?Well...thats a hard question. I would say yes but sometimes there are just people who I wouldn’t really give a second chance.31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?Nope not at all.32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?Don’t have feeling for anyone right now.33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?Oh boy howdy, definetely not.34. Listening to?Right now to Caught in the Middle by Paramore.35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?Oh yeah all the time, especially in my sketchbook.36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?Again, never kissed anyone before.37. Do you believe in love at first sight?Hmm...yeah.38. Who did you last call?I think my brother? Either him or my Dad. And well, if you count skype calls then one of my friends though I’m not totally sure who.39. Who was the last person you danced with?Never danced with someone.40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?-insert the usual here-41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?Oh god...never? I guess? I ate muffins before but not sure about cupcakes.42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?Nope.43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?Eh...I dunno I never really had a real crush. And I rather wanna forget the one time I kinda crushed on someone for the first time cause that was just embarassing.44. Do you tan in the nude?I don’t tan at all but theres people who tan nude?45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?*insert jazz music*46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?Eh, kinda? I hung up the call once I got very sleepy and pretty much immediately head to bed after that.47. Who was the last person to call you?On my phone my brother, via skype @warriorvolga .48. Do you sing in the shower?Nah, I can only really sing along to music and often when I’m showering my mind usually just goes kinda blank and I can’t really think about anything specifically.49. Do you dance in the car?Nope, I sometimes move my head to the music but really not much.50. Ever used a bow and arrow?Yeah but not really like a professional one. My dad had an old, fairly small wooden bow with some wood arrows lying around in our garden. It was fun to use until I shot all the arrows into a tree and never saw them again.51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?Like, 2-3 months ago for an application I had to send.52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?Oh no, not at all. I think I’ve never really seen a real one but they look like alot of fun. Gotta watch Hamilton someday, seems like that is a really popluar and cool one.53. Is Christmas stressful?No not really. I really like Christmas, for me its just a really pleasant and calm time. I just really like the whole atmosphere.54. Ever eat a pierogi?Yupe, even made them myself once in Russian class.55. Favorite type of fruit pie?Either strawberry or tangarine.56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?Strangely I’ve never really had much plans about that when I was younger. I remember saying once in elementary school that I wanted to be an archeologist but that was probably just because it sounded cool.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?Uuh...no not really. I would like to believe that theres definetely is more after death but thinking about death is still a pretty unpleasant topic for me.58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?Oh yeah totally and its so weird that I sometimes think there something supernatural going on. Well not really but its just very, very weird and its especially with things like League of Legends where it sometimes feels like I’ve seen a certain scenario or play before. It doesn’t happen toooo often but still.59. Take a vitamin daily?Nope.60. Wear slippers?Oh yeah absolutely.61. Wear a bath robe?Nah that feels a bit unnecessary. Though its kinda fun wearing them.62. What do you wear to bed?Ususally older shirts that I don’t wanna wear over the day anymore and some comfy pants.63. First concert?I think I’ve never actually been to one before.64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?Don’t actually have any of them over here in Germany.65. Nike or Adidas?Uuuh...I don’t really care but I think I have/had more Adidas stuff then Nike?66. Cheetos Or Fritos?Again, don’t have neither of them here but I don’t even know what Fritos are so I’ll go with Cheetos.67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?Peanuts! But I don’t think I’ve really tried Sunflower Seeds before.

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?Don’t listen to her but that one with all the screaming goat edits was pretty ok.69. Ever take dance lessons?Nope~70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?Thats actually a pretty interesting one but...hmm...nah can’t really think of anything specific. For some reason I thought about carpenter though.71. Can you curl your tongue?Yup!72. Ever won a spelling bee?Nah, we don’t specifically have spelling bee’s over here anyways. I think?73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?Hmm...no I don’t think so? Definetely can’t remember it.74. What is your favorite book?Gotta have to admit that I really don’t read alot of books. I usually got trouble to really get into them but it’s the same with like, fanfiction and short stories and stuff. Last Book I finished was like, the second book of Eragon in what, 6th grade. It was pretty good though.75. Do you study better with or without music?I honestly can’t say, I think I study better without it but I don’t really like studying without it. I recently tried studying with this site called A soft Murmur where you can just turn on specific sounds like rain, waves or fire and that was really nice. It’s good for relaxing or falling asleep too.76. Regularly burn incense?No? Do people do that? Does it have like, a specific smell or something, I really don’t know why you would burn incense and kinda feel stupid about it.77. Ever been in love?Nope, and honestly, I’m still conflicted if I would like to be in love with someone in fear of rejection. Thats probably why its hard for me to crush people too, I just don’t really get my hopes up. And being really socially insecure and awkward and incredibly bad at handling conversations really doesn’t add to that. So I guess I just hope someone will fall in love with me eventually. It’s an nice but also sad thing to think about.78. Who would you like to see in concert?Oh boy...hmm definetely Young the Giant, thats still one of my favorite bands ever.79. What was the last concert you saw?Wait didn’t we had this question before? Hold on.Ok nvm the other question was about “First concert”. But still, never been to one before but I think the last time I watched a bit of one on Youtube was from an Gorillaz concert.80. Hot tea or cold tea?Hot tea, Or well...iced tea I guess.81. Tea or coffee?Tea. coffee is just to bitter for me.82. Favorite type of cookie?I guess just plain old chocolate cookies.83. Can you swim well?Oh god no, I have an awful stamina. Like, everytime when we had to swim laps in PE, I was atleast two laps away from the other when they got done. I usually did them in the end but I was just, really bad and it was definetely no fun. Usually I actually like water but I don’t like taking my shirt off so I haven’t been in the water for awhile now.84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?Yup. Not for super long though.85. Are you patient?I guess that depends on my mood. Usually yeah but I get very uncomfortable when I’m feeling bad or anxious . But yeah, most of the time I’m pretty patient. Or definetely don’t try to show it when I’m impatient.86. DJ or band, at a wedding?Band. DJ just sounds pretty weird? I’ve never been to a wedding though so eh, maybe DJ’s can be pretty cool too.87. Ever won a contest?Not like a big one, no. There was a drawing contest which I partcipiated at once and I got second place there. No idea how many peopel actually participated there though. I got 20€ though.88. Ever have plastic surgery?Uh...no. And probably won’t get one either. Definetely not planning it.89. Which are better black or green olives?Don’t really like either. The black ones look cooler though.90. Opinions on sex before marriage?Would definetely be fine with that, don’t think why you should wait until marriage for that. Except some like, religious influences I guess? If there are some in specific religions, I really don’t wanna go to deep into that.But I kinda think of sex as an really intimate act of showing that you really trust someone. Like, I think I would only have sex with someone I really trust and with someone who I actually do love. But again, I never had sex so maybe I just see it a bit differently.91. Best room for a fireplace?Living room. Make it as cozy as possible.92. Do you want to get married?Yeah I think so. If only Germany actually had gay marriage.Sorry for the tons of typos that are probably in this whole thing!

[cynical-and-gay]

92 Truths

Rules: Write 92 truths about yourself then tag 25 people 

i was tagged by @jayonthestreets (THANK YOU SO MUCH

LAST…

[1] drink: coke

[2] phone call: idk maybe my bff??

[3] text message: also my bff

[4] song you listened to: victoria - jordan bratton

[5] time you cried: uhm… i have absolutely no idea

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: nope

[7] been cheated on: nah

[8] kissed someone and regretted it: no

[9] lost someone special: yup my grandpa but its okay now

[10] been depressed: yesss definitely

[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

[12] blue

[13] mint green

[14] lavender

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: YES!! mostly thanks to kpop!

[16] fallen out of love: with things but not with ppl

[17] laughed until you cried: ive….. literally never done that

[18] found out someone was talking about you: nope

[19] met someone who changed you: yes.

[20] found out who your true friends are: well kinda?? ive always kinda known who they r

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: noooooo ew thats mostly my family

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: like all of them? except for the ones from america

[23] do you have any pets: yes a rlly old but cute cat

[24] do you want to change your name: yes. i mean my irl name lol i hate my birthname a lot and im trans so theres that

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: nothing really we ate cake nd i got presents

[26] what time did you wake up: you mean today? at 6:10am bc thats when i have to wake up for school fml

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: listening to music and looking at tumblr

[28] name something you cannot wait for: rn i cant wait for my next bday!! but before that i just reeeeaaaaally want friday to come asap bc i also cant wait for spring break (idek if thats the right word)

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: shes literally in my room rn

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: a LOT. but idk how to put all this stuff so imma skip this one

[31] what are you listening to right now: nothing 😭

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: uhh idek someone named tom

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: the fact that lgbt ppl have to come out while cishet ppl dont have to smh

[34] most visited website: youtube

[35] elementary: yes I went to an elementary school (two actually)

[36] high school: yup im in the 10th grade

[37] college: im still in high school so no

[38] hair color: i dyed it red literal months ago so now its a brownish red idk

[39] long or short hair: short

[40] do you have a crush on someone: kinda?? like theres this guy and ive never talked to him but i like the way he looks SOOO much omfg 😍

[41] what do you like about yourself: i like my sense of humour and my eyes

[42] piercings: earlobes but i want a lip piercing once im older

[43]blood type: probably 0?? bc thats what my parents have as far as i know

[44] nickname: none 😫

[45] relationship status: single af but who cares

[46] zodiac sign: virgo…… i hate it…

[47] pronouns: he/him

[48] fav tv show: either avatar or criminal minds.. i cant decide 😩

[49] tattoos: i definitely want tattoos once im older!! but only small ones!

[50] right or left hand: right

FIRST…

[51] surgery: there was some stuff done in my mouth but idk if that counts as a surgery

[52] piercing: only earlobes (so far..)

[53] best friend: talika? or talita?? idk anymore I’m rlly forgetful

[54] sport: i used to do capoeira (???) when i was younger

[55] vacation: somewhere in spain close to granada i think… who knows i dont wanna ask my parents for this

[56] pair of trainers: what the-?! how is anyone supposed to remember smth like this???!

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: sweets

[58] drinking: coke

[59] i’m about to: answer the rest of these questions

[60] listening to: still nothing 😭

[61] waiting for: spring break

[62] want: rn i just wanna be out without coming out ya know?

[63] get married: one day imma have a wonderful husband 😍💕…. one day thats VERY far in the future bc im way too young for stuff like this oml

[64] career: i rlly wanna be an author or an actor!

[65] hugs or kisses: hugs ftw!!

[66] lips or eyes: can i say both? like it depends on the person idk

[67] shorter or taller: i cant stand being shorter than ppl so imma go with shorter

[68] older or younger: definitely older

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms (looking at jackson tbh 👀👀)

[71] sensitive or loud: BOTH!! (but mostly sensitive bc im shy)

[72] hook up or relationship: im too young for both of these things but relationship

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? nah

[75] drank hard liquor? nope

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? never happened to me yaaay

[77] turned someone down: nope

[78] sex on first date? no.

[79] broken someone’s heart? idk

[80] had your own heart broken? yes that dude was an asshole and i was naïve af

[81] been arrested? nah

[82] cried when someone died? no

[83] fallen for a friend? nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? not really..

[85] miracles? whut no

[86] love at first sight? no but i believe in being fascinated by someone and being interested in them at first sight

[87] Santa Claus? no. im not 5 years old

[88] kiss on the first date? why not?

[89] angels? nope the stories are interesting but i dont believe in stuff like that

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: i have like three rn but my BEST best friend is ana ❤💕 ily ana

[91] eye color: brown-green

[92] favorite movie: uhm i have no idea i have favourite books and favourite mvs but idk about a favourite movie sorry

im too shy?? too awkward??? too whatever to tag anyone but if you see this and wanna do this pls consider yourself tagged!💕

[theparaminds]

We all want to be individuals, the blue in a sea of green, the one that is sparked with lightning from a young age. It’s never easy and more so it’s not something that can come artificially, yet for Brad Brooks, it has been the entire tagline to his life. The New York native is one of the few all around type creatives that come around so few and far between, touching on so many forms of art while maintaining an intensely high level of skill in all.

Leading the new creative collective ‘Productive Honey’, Brad has situated himself as one of the pillars of underground youth culture, a true visionary in every sense of the word, he creates aesthetics and ideas that are shared and highly revered while developing the talent around him to produce the best products possible. But now, he looks to expand the already powerful core of youth he has at his fingertips, ready to challenge all the rules society has put up so far; all in the name of positivity and happiness.

PM: First question, as always, how’s your day going?

Brad Brooks: Well my day is going splendid, I just woke up from a tremendous nap, now I’m just chilling and the weather's nice.

PM: And you live in New York right?

BB: Yessir

PM: Have you always lived there or is that something you’ve recently grown into?

BB: I haven’t always lived here, I was born here but I moved out when I was 6 and spent most of my life in Dallas. I spent some summers here visiting family. Texas and New york are damn near polar opposites, Texas is super spread out where if you don't have a car there's not much to do, the sources of entertainment are completely different. Here you can walk outside and see some kids on the train or just around skateboarding or doing photography, and I feel I way more fit in with that demographic.  

PM: So then have you found that the creativity found in the city has amplified yours in a way?

BB: Oh yeah, most definitely. I constantly feel so challenged by those around me and feel like I’m on the cutting of America. Like I'm two steps ahead of the county. You’re picking up cultures and ideas that you wouldn't find anywhere else and applying them subconsciously to everything you do. Like, I always said this joke to my friends that if you saw a black guy speaking spanish in Texas, that's the funniest shit ever. But here, they're just called Dominicans.

PM: You mentioned those around you and your friends and I feel that’s a fantastic place to start with. So for those who don't know you’re the creative head of the Productive Honey team, but why don't you explain what that team actually is and in a sense why you feel it's important?

BB: Basically, two years ago I started PH as a thing to display my art and clothing brand for pocket money. I realized it had such a workload that possibly others would have to come in eventually. The problem with art though, is that you're the only person co signing yourself, so if you have a bad idea you're rolling with it. I remember once I was thinking about starting a cult, thinking it was smart because I had no friends telling me otherwise. But that's a story for another day. This art team opens so many perspectives of ideas and inspiration. It's really just genuine friendship.

PM: What would you say your role is on the team and how have you found it changing as others have joined?

BB: Well... being a team is brand new, orginaly when I pitched the team idea, I think it was december last year during a photoshoot where chemistry was crazy, we were just trying to figure out everyone's roles. As of right now, I still do the clothing and the magazine and visuals, but everyone is doing pieces of that and bringing in the music element slowly but surely.

PM: As well, Many online have compared you to groups like Brockhampton, how do you find yourself handling such comparisons, whether through rejection or acceptance?

BB: First off let me say that Kiddie is the biggest Kevin abstract stan of all time. But really the moment we established that we were going to be a team we posted a picture and Kevin hit us up and retweeted and shit, even though we didn't have any content out at all. Those comparisons are always gonna happen and I think its welcome due to it setting the bar high for us. We always joke about who’s who in the group and whatnot.

PM: Would you then say another goal of the group is to inspire others and create your own ways of artistic expression?

BB: Yeah of course if I can along the way, but truly, I just want to be free man, I want to live the way I want to live. I just want to be happy and live freely. If I'm remembered as anything I want it to be as the guy who left this dimension leaving positivity and lived free.

PM: Going back to Dallas, You talked about the pigeon holding in the city, how did you personally find your own inspirations and turn that into becoming a creative yourself?

BB: No matter where I was, I could always bump Kanye West and Kid Cudi all fucking day. I feel like where I was, it was just a bunch a cul de sac kids, not really artistic. But through the internet and whatnot I got to escape and learn about what’s out there beyond fucking Texas. Those artists were someone I could relate to. The moment I saw Kid Cudi speak in an interview and realized he didn't have a traditional black voice, I felt something, I felt like I fit in and just was accepted for once.

PM: A little off topic, but you say you're a nerd and an outsider, I’m really interested what your favourite video game, movie and album all are?

BB: OK, fave album, ‘Man on the Moon 2, I cried to that so many times, and probably played it a million times. Movie is easily ‘Back to the Future’ because I’m just obsessed with time travel and I overthink that type of shit. Oh, also ‘Like Mike’ that movie was fucking amazing, shoutout to Drew Siko he's an awful person cause he never seen it. And game is easily ‘Kingdom Hearts’, theres no video games that talks to kids the way that game does, it brought so many questions to me that just blew my entire fucking mind. Just even realizing your biggest fears through that game changed everything.

PM: Looking ahead to the future a little bit, what are your milestones you hope to hit as a team and personally?

BB: Biggest thing is to do a PH tour, taking the Peace Love Wifi show (happening on August 24th this year) across the country and sharing our shit everywhere. And I need a cartoon show of my own, may not happen for a while but it’ll happen. We wanna drop a tape as a team for sure, because fuck it why not. More films, more music videos, and maybe anything that'll come to our heads, fuck it maybe we'll make cereal.

PM: What do you belive you need to add to your skillset going forward to grow artistically in a positive direction?

BB: I think I wanna learn that nothing is perfect, I eventually start hating all of my work because I get so attached to it becoming perfect. I'm too hard on myself. I wanna be good in everything, there's no limit to our skills and what we can become so it's just a never satisfied attitude.

PM: Ultimately for you, what seperates a good and great artist and how do you hope to get to that great level?

BB: For me it's all about being able to relate to who's consuming the art, if they can have emotional experience or feel they can be part of the story, that can automatically make it something special for whoever's enjoying.

PM: Final question, If you could look back from the future and know the legacy of Productive Honey and yourself, what would you ultimately want it to be?

BB: Honestly, when I leave this place, I just wanna be remembered as someone who stood for freedom and happiness. Fuck the money, Fuck the art, when I see myself in the mirror I just want to be free and want to be remembered in the exact same way. To my mother I want to be a funny sweet son, to my friends I wanna be remembered as the loyal guy they always trusted on, I really just want to be the best man I can be.

PM: Do you have anything or anyone to shout out or promote? The floor is yours!

BB: Oh man, Let me just go through this list: This month; Peace, Love Wifi tickets go on sale this July, PROH magazine issue 3 coming out, Gab the Sandbox music video soon, Drew Siko new music coming soon, Project Demolition soon, season 3 of PROH clothing coming in fall and winter. Shoutout Kiddie, Gab, Drew Siko, My momma, Kid Cudi, and shout out all the Benjamins in my pocket and all the pretty shawties.

Follow Brad on Instagram

Productivehoney.com

[victoriousvictoriajackson-blog]

February 23, 2018 - Oblivescence

I only got up because I wanted to try and change your mind again. It seems everyday for the past few years of High School I have been trying to paint clarity, mold interest, replicate passion. But it is like trying to do it with only black paint. Nonetheless, despite last night and what happened with my friends, and everything else I’m sure I’ll explain, I woke up at 6:31 in the morning (somehow I didn’t oversleep the entire morning, since my alarm failed) just to try again. 

By the end of the day, driving home with my mom, I realized I had failed everything. It was lunch time. I left without looking or telling my friends, and they hadn’t noticed despite being a few feet from me. Not until the end of lunch I received a phone call from one of them, the worst one of all, asking if I was OK. 

I have failed with everyone. I tried telling my dad about the IB program, how hard it is, how I have my tests coming up. Suddenly and very quickly he said “I have to go, I am at the store. I’ll I’ll call you later.” Like he always says, but never means it. I know I can’t read minds, I know I could be missing pieces of the story, but why do I always annoy him?

Then my mom. She’s heard me, she’s said so. But she never changes. I ask her to be thoughtful. I ask her not to drink anymore. Oh, it’s a part of her personality, who she is. I guess it never happened. I am just living the in the past. Being hit in the face starts to hurt less after a while, right? 

Biggest of all, because I am leaving soon and I couldn’t care less anymore about the stubborn entity that is my parents. 

People.

People are selfish, envious, insatiable, hedonistic. 

There are a few who are not, but I would estimate that less than .00001% of the world population is. The number changes depending on society’s age, culture, deaths and births, but it doesn’t get any higher than that number. I’m not included in that number. 

Yesterday, on Facebook, I received a message. It was in a group chat with all of my friends (6 of us on there, 8 in real life). Dell had just been officially kicked out of her house by her mom. I know Dell and her step-dad didn’t get along very well. She’s never met her real dad, or if she has and I just forgot he never makes an effort for her. And by doesn’t get along I mean that he (according to Dell), breaks her stuff, screams at her, forces her to get a job and more. In my opinion, there’s absolutely more to the story. There’s no way she comes home, does as she is told, and still gets kicked out. Here’s how the conversation went, exactly: 

Dell: so guys i actually got kicked out of my house and now i guess im homeless or something? idk where to go or what to do but i have some of my stuff in my car. I stopped by my uncles house for the internet but i actually am so worried right now

Olivia: oh my god, do you need a place to stay?are you okay?WHAT HAPPENED?!

Dell: i dont know. my dad wasnt home when i was there but my mom told me that i better find a friend because i cant live there anymorei dont know! i dont know where to go or what to do honestly. oh and apparently last night when i was downstairs my dad threw my phone on the hardwood floor so it shattered so i dont have that anymore

Olivia: Thats ridiculous! you are free to come here if you need a place to stay or anything! Oh my god! that is SO unfair! wtf!?

Dell: i really appreciate that! im just scared right now about what to do.

Olivia: of course, im really sorry. Where are you right now?

Dell:  my aunt and uncles house just so i could find internet. idk if im allowed to stay here tonight though

Olivia: oh geeze, thats horrible! especially with all the already-existing stress right now

Dell: Right?! college, and ib tests and now this on top?! its too muchhh

Olivia: yeah, ugh idk how i'd deal with that. Again, you're free to stay here (my house is small and messy but theres always welcoming space) and Im sure anyone in our friend group will let you stay too!

Sarah: Dell You can come to my house too! There's plenty of room, seriously. My address is 3403 D RoadDo you have clothes and stuff? Do you need someone to take you by your house tomorrow and help you pack? My mum can escort you cause she's scary and she'll make your mum let you in

Zoe: RIP Dell

LATER:

Me: DELL WHATWHATWHAT????!!!!!??Okay I have an idea !!! Help Dell fund where we all get jobs and support Dek :,( :,( :,(Also yes I am willing to help with anything of course. I am just so shocked they actually did that to you

Tully: Me too. That’s so ridiculous I can hardly believe it. You poor thing, you don’t deserve that at all!

Olivia: know! It's so ridiculous! We're all here for you dell!I know and this is the WORST time to do it like you said! I hope she responds again soon I am worried

Tully: Seriously!! And me too. I’m sure she’s just at her aunt and uncles and hasn’t checked the computer or whatever she was using to text us. But yeah, I hope she responds so we can figure out where she can stay for the night and all that. God, I still can’t believe this is really happening! It’s insane!!

Me: I know how do parents actually kick their kids out, especially Dell!! Dang is she like a secret drug dealer or something that we don't know about? I'm happy she at least has her aunt and uncle too!

Tully: I know!! It makes no sense!! Yeah, I’m glad she has them, and she has us too! But still, that is going to be really hard ugh poor Dell

So, eventually in our phone group chat, separate from the Facebook one (the phone one includes all 8 friends), the topic comes up again. Is Dell okay? Where is she, what ended up happening?

I text Claudia, the closest friend to Dell and second closest to Zoe. Tully and Olivia are new to the 4 crowd (5 if you count Sarah, but many times she is excluded as she’s not as liked anymore), so they aren’t nearly as close, but they still care a whole lot. I ask Claudia if she has heard about the drama. Claudia says that all she knows is that Dell is at Zoe’s house. She also says how left out she feels from information. 

Here’s the first problem #1. Zoe told Claudia, but not me, and not anyone else. That means that Dell, Zoe and Claudia all knew where Dell was, but not me. Instantly, i feel wayy more left out than Claudia says she supposedly feels. But it gets worse. 

I ask Claudia after a bit of complaining about how left out we both feel, not realizing the above, if I should let Tully, Olivia, Sarah and Isabelle know that Dell is OK. Claudia says something along the lines of “uhh I don’t know you know maybe we should ask”. So I say, OK, I will ask Zoe. 

Here’s my second problem #2. Claudia lied to me about feeling left out. Officially lied. I could be paranoid, but I seriously believe it doesn’t add up. 

I ask Zoe if I can tell our friends where Dell is. Zoe says a relatable joke, then replies with “No, she wants to remain mysterious.” 

Problem #3. I genuinely cared about Dell. The reason I wasn’t going to find out if she is OK was because she wanted to be “mysterious”? I guess I shouldn’t have cared nearly as much as I did, because she was actually feeding on that attention. 

Problem #4. If that is true, then the above problem applies, and I can honestly say I’ve related and felt that way. It is a TERRIBLE, ATTENTION thing. If it isn’t true, then it sure does sound like something easy to make up when you don’t have a good reason to someone you DON’T TRUST. 

So I reply “I’m definitely going to need clarification on that mysterious part lol”

Zoe says “because RIP Dell, y’know?” jokingly. Then she says, lengthily, how “she just doesn’t want anyone knowing where she is right now, but I am telling you because you special.”

Problem #5. She wasn’t going to tell me whatsoever. I am not special. She is complimenting me to make up for her guilt so that I still like her. 

Problem #6. If this is a “special” case, it can be officially confirmed that none of them trusted me OR liked/cared about me enough to tell me. Remember, I cared about Dell and was worried. 

So today I left because of that. The entire day I had avoided starting conversation, and would only reply when they talked to me first. Then, driving with my mom on the way home and the music on, over the bridge, I saw him. The guy I had gotten up just to see that day. I’d saw him earlier for a whole hour (never happens, we don’t have any classes together anymore, but we’re both in the same program). It was awesome, definitely satisfying. 

He knows how I feel, which I should also add. I know he looked at me twice but I don’t know how much more. And sometimes you can tell when someone just doesn’t know what to do with their body because you are around. He either hates me or doesn’t know what to say to me about how he feels. Of course, I am living on the idea that he is at least attracted to me (based on many past experiences as well). 

I saw him on the bridge with his sunglasses on and someone in the passenger seat (in the moment I thought it was his brother, but I never actually looked at the passenger’s face). Of course, he is the hottest thing when he literally does anything, even covering his face from me in class. 

But I felt like I had failed everything. I didn’t have him. I am probably delusional. No one favorites me in the friend group. I know it is partially my fault. I don’t ask to hang out with any of them one on one. But do I really want to? People are so selfish. I don’t want them to know anymore about me than they already do. 

I did ask him to hang out one on one last year, Junior year. He said sure, but it never went through because when i asked him the next day what he wanted to do (in real life, both times), he couldn’t say anything. He was with his friends, but he was definitely uncomfortable. Even angry. So I said “okay, see you later.” We haven’t talked one on one since then. 

But I have texted him. I want to say 3 times I initiated conversation on Instagram, since i didn’t have his number. He followed me first near the end of Junior year, when his friends made one for him. First, I messaged him a picture of a turtle, because I knew he liked them. Then, I reassured him I didn’t like his friend. He asked me “Okay, so who do you like??” Then, i replied “You! But it’s okay if you don’t feel that way. I was paranoid Kailey said something.” I never got a reply from him after that. 

Then 5 months later, he unfollowed me on Instagram. Of course I noticed the hour of. So I texted him again and it was emotional. I asked him casually “why have I been defollowfied?” And said, “i really regret ever saying anything. I just want to go back to normal.” Again, never got a reply.

The next day at school, he sent me video of him in Spanish, covering his ears. I thought it was funny and I replied with “that reminded me of the Vietnam war.” 

He asked “who is this?” 

I said “I am me, who is this?”

And he flipped me off. This time, I didn’t reply. I sent things and then removed them (which I am happy you can do) before he saw them. That was November. Now it is near the end of February. February 23rd to be exact. 

I woke up just to try again. This Monday, I will try again. This time, by passing by him 3 times in the hallway in the morning. 

[inequilibrium]

this is really unasked for and i hope is not a burden and if it is im truly sorry but i need to talk to someone. In addition to it, i want to maybe warn you if you don´t want to read this ask im going to talk about mental health and concerns i have.[ ------ ]----- Lately i´ve been struggling with depression an anxiety, as it is; the main reason is because i couldnt find what i wanted to do with my life, or if its even worth it. Being honest i never wanted to board that issue, not even when (1)

everything is under a cut!

(2) i had to choose a major, and rn when im about to finish it i realized i messed up, i dont know what i want to do because my drive to keep studyind that major wasnt because i wanted to do that for life not even because i enjoyed it, i did it because it was ‘the right thing to do’ ‘something i always wanted’ and it kept me busy with the idea that at least i wasnt being lazy, i was doing something, my life had a meanig and a gold, for who? who knows (2)

(3) and now that i find myself finishing it, and i have to choose again something to specialize and get my degree i started thinking about why keep doing it, i dont want to get a job according to it, i dont even like it, i dont hate it either but i truly dont see myself doing anything related to it. And it hit me, really hard and it hurt so much, the fact that i actually trew away five and a half years of my life, thinkig it was the right thing to do and being unhappy, for what (3)

(4) i was avoiding the whole thing and i dont even know why, but the moment i found myself thinkig about where i wanted to go, getting a job and why i wanted to finsih my carreer; i realized that, because i wasnt brave enough to face my problems and reallity i could be stucked forever doing something i dont love, spending more and more of my time instead of actually investing it. I made a mistake and it felt really awful, how many more years was i going to be okay throwing away (4)

(5) and now im stucked on a different place, now i want to find something im willing to spend my life on but i cant think of anything. I havent fully forgive myself for acting the way i did, it really really hurt those 5 years of waste, and i dont want to keep loosing time that wont come back. I try to make peace in the sense that okay, theyre gone but im still young, theres so much more i can do; but is not easy. Ive been feelling so lost and hopeless. i want to have a reason, a purpose (5)

(6) i dont want to stay till but rn i cant find a reason to even get out of bed, why would i get up, get dressed, eat. If i dont have something i want to do or get, either acomplish; and the things i have at the moment i dont want them because even thinking about them makes sad each and every day. It sounds really bad since im on an advantageous position, i have health and i am abled but my mind doesnt let me go. I dont know what to do now, i know its a matter of picking again and (6)

(7) and start working but when i try to ask myself, i found a blank space. Its the worst ive been in years because even if i think of starting a new major, i got such a negative conception of college as an institution and experience, all the sadness ive been feeling, imprinted a lot of negative feelings to it; that now even going back just triggers my anxiety and depression. I really dont know what should i do, or if anything would even worth it. i think im not completely helpless since (7)

(8) im still willing to try, but my depression and self judgement peeps and i cant seem to get out of it. Now i dont even know what i like or enjoy, what im actually willing to do, or what is the right thing to do or even if i should finish this major in the mean time. There was a point where i wanted to stop trying. and even now, even if im willing to try i dont know towards what i should run. I wnat to think im doing better that the past days, at least i stopped crying all and judging and (8)

(9) blaming myself, but my appetite is still gone, and the things i used to enjoy just feel like a burden to me atm, listening to music, reading; i dont feel interest on doing it anymore, i stil get distracted and cant seem to concentrate. i dont know what to do, how does one fall back again on the track of life?. I dont wat to get stucked but im stucked right now. I want to try and think but my mind is messed up and blank, if the things, the small ones i ised to enjoy i cant seem to be able (9

(10) to even do them anymore, how am i supposed to find a purpose, a gold. something i like and am willing to invest my time on. I feel confused and sad. and i really dont know where to start. it was so sad when i found myself surrounded by people who seem to know what they wanted, or why they were doing that major, how it made them feel acomplished, i realized something was really wrong because wasnt even one bit excited. and it made me think, and blame myself to no end (10)

(11) im afraid of choosing again,messing up,being that wrong. But for more that i want to move on my mind wont let me,and i dont know anymore.[ ] Im really sorry for doing this, and by no means i want to give my problems to someone else, i dont intent to load anything on anyone i just needed to talk to somebody,we dont know eachother but i dont feel like you are a complete stranger to me since ive been following your blog and i read about what you share,talk and write,for quite sometime now(11)

(12) im truly truly sorry,

okay firstly, never say sorry for feelings and for wanting to express them. you’re always allowed to feel.

i don’t know why you picked me to share this with but i’m honoured.

i’m not the best at advice, i think i’ve made too many mistakes in life to really know anything about what’s going on. but i do know one thing, the major you choose, any choice you make, that doesn’t have to be the be all and end all of things. there’s always another road, a way to make a u-turn, and a way to rectify things.

there’s nothing wrong with not knowing where to go next or what to do or even why you chose the major you did. it’s a little unfair of the world to expect young people to know what they’re doing when sometimes even people who have lived far longer lifetimes seem to just be faking it, isn’t it?

when i graduated college, it was with a science degree, because back then, i liked science and i was good at it. unfortunately, by about a year before graduation, i already knew i never wanted to go near a science lab or a science book ever again. by then, it was too late to change. so, i made a different choice when looking for a job, and in a roundabout way, i’m now in mass communications; a writing job. exactly what college-me didn’t know i wanted.

it’s okay to be stuck and not know what to do, no one ever knows, that’s the beauty of life, we’re all making it up as we go along.

take a first step, just…maybe see what’s out there, what you can do, what you want to do. look for what they’re looking for, if maybe it’s general enough that you fulfil the criteria. i don’t know what major you have right now, but i think many jobs don’t necessarily need a very specific degree, they just need a certain level of education. then you gotta take the leap, and try.

easier said than done, i know. but i believe you can.

no one ever makes perfect choices, that’s why there’s chances in every stage of life to make a u-turn. if you’re wrong, it’s okay, what matters is you try to fix it. and i think you have a heart to do that, even if it’s a little bit harder right now.

and that’s my attempt at advice ahhh. i hope it helped a bit but please disregard everyTHING if it didn’t. i hope it gets easier as time goes by, and i hope you find a road and opportunities that will help. (msg me offanon if you want tho)