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so scarlet it was, maroon | chapter one
✧₊⁺ pairing — satoru gojou x journalist!reader
✧₊⁺ chapter summary — you get the chance to meet the infamous gojou satoru while working on your journalism project at suzuka circuit. what could you possibly want from him?
✧₊⁺ word count — 6.3k
✧₊⁺ warnings — nsfw (minors dni), age gap, alcohol use, mature themes, mentions of cheating, substance abuse, themes of marriage and divorce
✧₊⁺ notes — hello everyone! i asked you awhile ago on a poll which series you would like to see after cursed seas and f1 gojo won the poll and then i posted the masterlist and everyone wants it so you get it now. so here it is. and NO its not happy NEVER expect happiness from me because im allergic to it. also the reader being nosy af is inspired by me and my parents telling me i should be a journalist with how nosy i am.
series masterlist // pinterest moodboard // general masterlist
next. (coming soon)
You moved to Tokyo with your family when you were younger.
You grew up in a rural part of the country, surrounded by farmers and people either ready to retire or nearing the end of their lives. Your parents hated living there, and so did you—for one, there were hardly any kids to play with, and two, as your father would say, "too many old fuckers lying around."
When you moved to Tokyo, your family decided to celebrate by taking you to a Formula 1 race. Your dad thought it would be perfect for the two of you since fixing up old cars had always been your daddy-daughter activity.
You didn’t like the idea of racing at first—the noise was too loud, and the idea of people speeding toward a black-and-white checkered line seemed ridiculous. But the moment you heard the roar of the engines and watched the lights go from red to green, you were captivated, a fascination that would stay with you for years.
When you got your first computer, you began looking up videos of F1 drivers. One day, you stumbled across a video titled “The Biggest F1 Scandals in History,” and that was when you decided you wanted to go into journalism.
You were nosy, to say the least. So, it was no surprise to your parents when you announced to them that you wanted to pursue journalism as a career. Your father reminded you how you’d always been curious, listening in on others’ conversations and keeping up with the latest school drama.
When you applied for journalism school, you were accepted into one of the top programs in the world—Sophia University. Your parents were proud that you’d made it into such a highly ranked school for journalism in Japan.
You were now in your fourth and final year at Sophia, and enjoying your journalism class. Recently, your professor assigned a project: write a story about a major pop culture figure of your choice, and for extra credit, get an interview with them. Your professor knew it was damn near impossible, but he was always optimistic that one day, someone would get that interview and he could retire in peace.
That project led you here: Suzuka Circuit, Japan's main Formula 1 track. Your chosen figure was none other than Gojou Satoru—F1's biggest driver in recent years. He was your father's favorite among the new-generation drivers, known for his string of controversies since he started on top of the persistent rumors of his heavy drug use before races.
You had managed to snag a media passs from your professor when you mentioned doing an F1 driver for your project. He was able to pull some strings to get you into the media booth, getting you a closer look at Gojou Satoru in person.
You watched the pre-race preparations closely from the media booth, your fingers hovered above your notepad as you waited for the race to start. You were determined to get a good grade on this project, and that meant adding every single detail to your report about this race.
It was about time for the drivers to gather in their garages, each wearing headsets and ready for the pre-race briefing. The briefing typically covers the race start, various pit stop scenarios, and a detailed weather report. Before each race weekend, they usually spend time in a simulator of the track they'll be racing on, preparing them for the upcoming race.
After about thirty-minutes the racers came out of their garages in their respective cars. They each line up based on the results of a quaifying session that takes place before the race, slowest qualifier in the back, fastest in the front. Gojou Satoru was at the front of the grid, which meant he was one of the qualifiers who had the fastest time.
You waited around for a little while longer turning your attention to what was happening around you. Eventually, you made your way back to the front of the media booth as the race started, ready to report.
The engines revved as each driver began preparing for the start of the race, each car vibrating on the starting grid like a beast straining at its chains. Gojou sat at the front of the lineup, his hands loose on the wheel, fingers tapping in a steady rhythm as he waited for the lights to turn green.
The roar from the grandstands faded, becoming a blur of sound as the lights ticked down: red, red, red, red… green.
He slammed the throttle, feeling the raw force of the car’s engine kick him back into his seat as he tore down the straight. Other cars jostled for position behind him, all fighting to claim the inside line into the first turn.
Through his earpiece, he heard the voice of his race engineer, Shokou, calm as ever. “Clear on turn two, you’ve got five-tenths on Hayashi. Stay tight.”
But Gojou barley heard her. The car was an extension of him, responding to his every thought, every split-second decision. He pushed down the straights, his right foot heavy on the accelerator, taking corners at speeds most drivers wouldn’t dare attempt. The sound of his tires skidding against the asphalt, the blur of the track side barriers, the lights of Tokyo reflecting off his mirrors—it all blended into a single, perfect rush.
Gojou could see the next turn ahead, a tight chicane that could send the best drivers into the barriers if they weren't careful. He braked hard, turning the wheel with perfect precision to angle the car through. He could feel the back end wobbling, but he didn't flinch, drifting perfectly as he swung back onto the racing line, gaining another second on the pack.
He could almost hear the collective gasp of the crowd in his head as he slipped through the chicane. This was his playground. Every race was a chance to remind the world why he was the best.
“Coming up on a DRS zone,” Shoko’s voice crackled in his ear, grounding him, though he was already on it
He waited for the perfect moment, watching the rear-view mirror to see the faint outline of Hayashi's car. He pressed the DRS, and his car shot forward, the drag reduction giving him a temporary speed boost that had him pulling away, putting him in the lead.
The track opened up ahead, the second sector full of wide, sweeping turns. Here was where raw speed mattered more than anything. Gojou pressed down hard on the accelerator, the engine roaring in response. He leaned forward, watching the track fly by, the white lines blurring as he focused entirely on the road ahead.
For a second, the sound in his earpiece went dead, the faint sound of static filling his ears. Then Shokou was back. “You’ve got Yoshida closing in on your tail. He’s pushing hard.”
Gojou glanced up at the mirrors, his eyes catching the bright blue and orange of Yoshida's car looming larger. The familiar thrill sparked in him. So, Yoshida thought he had a chance, did he? Well, he’d show him otherwise.
“Copy,” he muttered into his mic, eyes narrowing as he took the next corner, barley touching the brakes. He felt the tires skid but he managed to control the drift, knowing any slip would open the door for Yoshida to slip past.
He whipped into another straight, his hands steady on the wheel as he hit a top speed.
His foot didn’t so much as twitch as the engine’s roar morphed into a high-pitched scream as the car closed the distance.
The curve ahead was brutal—a tight 90-degree bend that demanded precise timing.
In a split-second decision, he did something no one expected. He braked late, his heart pounding as he cut the turn at a speed that sent the back end skidding. The tires gripped just in time, allowing him to pull out of the corner without losing traction. He could almost feel the shock reverberating as he regained control, his lead still intact.
As the laps wore on, his body moved on instinct, every gear shift, every turn becoming a single, fluid motion. One lap. Two. Three, with two pit stops between. He counted them off one by one, his mind buzzing with the pure rush of speed and the heat inside the car, barely noticing the time passing. The crowd faded into nothing, the world shrinking down to the track and his car.
The final lap. This was it.
“Box this lap if you’re in trouble,” Shokou’s voice crackled again. “Tire degradation is high.”
But Gojou’s grip on the steering wheel only tightened. His front tires were holding out—barely. It would be tight, but he could make it. He’d run this last lap on sheer determination alone if he had to.
“Negative, Shokou. I’m taking it,” he replied, and then turned off the earpiece, tuning out everything except the track and the car in front of him.
He launched into the final lap, throwing caution to the wind. Yoshida was right on his tail now, close enough that he could see the gleam of his headlights in the mirrors. But Gojou didn’t back down. He took each turn aggressively, blocking Yoshida's attempts to pass, forcing him to fall back every time.
The last chicane loomed ahead, his final obstacle before the finish line. He tightened his grip, the wheel trembling under his hands. He took the chicane fast, too fast, almost feeling the wheels lift off the ground as he flew out of the turn. The car rocked, but he held steady, pushing the pedal to the floor.
The finish line was in sight, a faint white line at the end of the straight, and with one last push, he crossed it, the checkered flag waving in his periphery as he tore past.
It was only after he’d crossed over the line that the realization hit him—he’d won.
The cheers erupted in the stands, the roar of the crowd filling his ears as he slowed down, the adrenaline still pumping through his veins. He could hear Shoko’s voice crackling back in as she shouted, “You pulled it off, you insane bastard.”
Gojou grinned, leaning back in his seat, still buzzing. He’d done it again, just as he always did.
The moment he climbed out of the cockpit, Gojou was surrounded by his team. Shokou was the first to reach him, her usually composed face split by a wide grin. She grabbed his helmet and thumped him on the shoulder hard enough so he actually felt it though the layers of his suit.
“You reckless son of a—”
“Language, Shokou,” Gojou interrupted, grinning as he yanked off his gloves, waving to the rest of the Tokyo Jujutsu Racing team that swarmed him.
“Do you know what it’s like to watch you pull stunts like that? I’m gonna need a raise after today’s heart attack,” she muttered.
“Oh, come on, Shokou. That was just a little fun.” He stretched his arms over his head. “Where’s my confetti?”
“Coming right up, your royal highness." Someone handed him a bottle of champagne, still cold and slick, and he twisted the cap, spraying a wild arc of foam that showered his team and nearby fans.
His PR manager, Nanami, clapped him on the back. “You’re insufferable."
“That’s what I’m here for,” he said, lifting the champagne bottle in a mock toast, flashing him a grin. The media’s cameras clicked and flashed, capturing every moment as his crew continued their congratulations.
The crowd pressed close against the barriers, shouting his name, waving homemade banners with scribbled slogans and his number embellished with the colors red and black. He walked closer, one arm raised, acknowledging the fans, letting their cheers fill him up, louder and louder with every step.
But as he continued walking, his gaze caught on something—or rather, someone—just beyond the crowd.
At first it was just a hint curiosity, the way your gaze was fixed on him. A bit removed from the chaos, you leaned against one of the barriers with a media pass hanging around your neck, arms folded as you watched from a distance.
Gojou slightly narrowed his eyes, holding your gaze longer than he'd held any fan's tonight, as if he was daring you to look away first.
“What the hell is that about?” he muttered under his breath, gaze moving back to Shokou for half a second.
“Hm?” Shokou followed his gaze, but her eyes slid right past you, uninterested. “Press. You’ll get used to it. Come on, they’re all waiting.”
He forced himself to break the stare, clearing his throat as Shokou ushered him toward the media pen, where a lineup of journalists waited, all armed with recorders, microphones, and notebooks.
He fielded the usual questions—how did it feel to win, what was his mindset, what was he thinking on that last turn? His answers were always the same practiced ones, words sliding out like clockwork.
“Well, Mr. Gojou, what would you say to those who believe your racing style is a little… aggressive?” one journalist asked, a little smirk on her face as if she thought she was catching him off guard.
He snorted. “They can call it what they want. I call it winning.” He shrugged. “I don’t come out here to play it safe.”
A few reporters laughed at his remark, clearly interested in what else he had to say as a fresh wave of questions started.
Somewhere behind the flashing lights, he saw you again, lingering a few feet behind the crowd of reporters with that calm gaze fixed on him. You didn’t raise a recorder or a camera, didn’t even make an effort to push closer for a question. You just… watched.
It was disconcerting.
“Gojou!” Another journalist waved a microphone his face, snapping his attention back to the current situation. “What’s the next step for you this season?”
He forced a smile, eyes briefly looking back to you before he focused on the question. “The same as always,” he said. “Push harder, get faster, and give everyone something to talk about.”
The crowd laughed again, though, he barely heard them, too focused on the strange woman staring right into his soul. The two of you locked eyes and you have him a small nod, as if acknowledging that you were in fact staring into his soul.
“Well, I think that’s enough,” Shokou said suddenly at his elbow, pulling him out of his thoughts. “They’ll have plenty of time to hound you later.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he murmured, though he let her guide him away. Still, he couldn’t help glancing back over his shoulder, hoping to catch one last glimpse of you.
But you were already gone.
Gojou slipped away from the crowd, weaving through the bustling garage and dodging the congratulatory slaps on his back, the endless rounds of handshakes, and the celebratory shouts. He ducked past a few journalists, ignoring the barrage of questions still hurled his way, his smile slipping as he finally found the door to the bathroom.
Inside, the cool, sterile silence was jarring compared to the noise outside, but he let out a sigh of relief, his heart hammering in his chest. He clicked the lock and leaned against the sink, running his hands over his face, staring at his own reflection in the mirror.
The victory high had worn off, leaving behind a familiar pressure he could not cope with. It settled on his shoulders like an old, unwelcome friend.
He hadn't realized how much tension he was carrying in his shoulders, how deeply it would itself into him when he was alone. The race had been perfect, his win flawless, but he could feel the exhaustion radiating off of him, a pulsing throb being his eyes. He clenched his jaw, glaring at himself in the mirror.
“Pull yourself together,” he muttered, his voice barely audible.
But his words fell flat, swallowed up by the silence. In the mirror, his own eyes stared back at him, tired, almost hollow.
He reached into the pocket of his racing suit, fingers brushing over the small, familiar packet hidden in the inner lining. It was a stupid habit, a reckless one really, but it was one he hadn't been able to shake, no matter how many times he tried to quit. He could practically feel the temporary relief in the palm of his hand.
He closed his eyes, running his thumb along the edge of the packet before pulling it out, setting it on the counter next to the sink. He ripped it open tapping a small line onto the smooth counter top. It was like his fingers had a mind of their own, as if it was part of his routine of suiting up or gripping the wheel.
The powder glinted under the bathroom’s harsh fluorescent lights, almost mocking him with its simplicity. Just a quick escape, just enough to take the edge off. That’s all he needed.
He leaned down, closing one nostril and inhaling sharply, feeling the sting as the powder hit his nose. He straightened his back, blinking hard, the world around him sharpening as his mind cleared. A small, humorless smile tugged at his lips.
He leaned back against the sink, tilting his head up to stare at the ceiling, feeling his heartbeat slow, the tension in his muscles fading away.
But it didn’t take long for the guilt to creep back in, that hollow feeling settling in his chest, a reminder that this wasn't the answer. He knew it. He knew exactly what he was doing to himself, how he was destroying his body from the inside out, how it could all come crashing down. And yet… here he was.
“Fucking pathetic,” he muttered to himself, his voice echoing against the tiles.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, jolting him back to reality.
“Gojou? You in there?” It was Shokou. “They’re waiting for you out here.”
He stuffed the empty packet back into his pocket, brushed the last of the substance off of the sink, and glanced in the mirror one last time to check his reflection, making sure there was no trace left of his momentary escape.
Taking a deep breath, he squared his shoulders, forced a smirk, and unlocked the door.
Shokou was standing there, arms crossed, her gaze scrutinizing as he stepped out. She didn’t say anything, but her judgmental eye lingered over him for a split second too long.
“You good?”
“Never better."
“Right,” she said, clearly unconvinced, but she dropped it, gesturing for him to follow her.
As the celebrations continued, Gojou weaved his way through fans and team-members alike who were still wrapped up in their post-race celebrations. He scanned the crowd, hoping to find the strange woman from earlier who he noticed had a press pass, thinking you would be here.
And then he saw you, leaning against a stack of crates near the garages, observing the current scene with the same judgmental eyes that Shokou had. The media badge hung from your neck, swaying slightly as you shifted your weight, pulling out a notebook and flipping through it, seemingly absorbed in what you were currently doing.
He cleared his throat as he approached, the echo of his footsteps giving his presence away.
You looked up, your brow raised as he came closer, a hint of intrigue flashing in your eyes.
“Looking for something?” you asked, not moving as he stopped in front of you.
“You could say that,” he replied, slipping his hands into his pockets, his gaze darted to the notebook in your hands. “I couldn’t help but notice you earlier, off in the shadows. Didn’t feel like joining the crowd?”
“Not my style.” You shrugged. “I’m not here to cheer. I’m here to report.”
“Journalist, huh?” he drawled, tilting his head. “What’s your angle?”
“The truth,” you said, a little smile pulling at your lips as you studied him. “Not everyone’s a fan of that, I know.”
“Depends on what you call the truth. But I’ve got a feeling you’ve already got your version.”
"How perceptive. I’m doing a piece on your racing career, your achievements, but… the public wants a fuller picture, don’t you think?
“Not sure I follow. Everyone knows what they need to know.”
“Not quite,” you replied, flipping through your notebook. “There’s more than just racing stats when it comes to Gojou Satoru, isn’t there?”
“Care to elaborate?”
“People say you’re… unraveling. Your recent ‘questionable decisions’ are starting to paint a different picture, don’t you think?” you said, tapping your pen against your notebook. “The accidents, the fines, the constant change in pit crews—”
“Is this some kind of witch hunt?” he interrupted. “Because I’d hate to disappoint you, princess, but I’ve heard it all.”
“Maybe so.” You leaned in a bit, meeting his stare. “But what about the whispers that aren’t out yet? The suspicions about you cheating the drug tests, your team shielding you—” You paused. “There’s a lot of money on your success, Mr. Gojou.”
“Money and racing have always gone hand-in-hand, don’t you think? You’d have a hard time finding someone out here who hasn’t bent a rule or two.”
“True enough.” You titled your head slightly. “But even the most golden careers have a way of losing their shine.”
"Tell me—do you enjoy tearing people down for a living?”
“Only if it’s warranted,” you replied unfazed. “People aren’t interested in perfect stories. They want the flaws, the dirt. It makes it all more real. At least that's what my professor believes."
“You’ve got a wicked mind, I’ll give you that. But I hope you realize you’re not the first to come sniffing around for the ‘real story’.”
A pregnant pause settles between you before you asked, “And what about her?”
A beat passed before he answered. “Who?”
“Your wife. She’s been… noticeably absent from the press circuits. And rumor has it things aren’t exactly picture-perfect between you two.”
“Rumor has it,” he repeated. “Guess you know how it is in this business. There’s always some rumor or another.”
“So it’s just a rumor, then? All the time apart, the missed events, her name suddenly missing from every headline. You’re saying there’s nothing to it?”
“People are eager to make stories out of nothing. My private life is just that—private.”
“That’s interesting,” you murmured, not looking away. “Because the most recent stories about you and her—they’re awfully detailed. People are noticing, wondering why she’s suddenly… disappeared from the scene.”
“Let them wonder. Like I said, people will talk. And it seems like you’re more interested in gossip than journalism.”
You raised an eyebrow. “Journalism is about uncovering the truth,” you countered. “But it seems like you’re more comfortable brushing things under the rug than addressing them.”
His smile returned, his carefully crafted facade sliding back into place as he straightened up, glancing away from you, clearly bored of the conversation. "Maybe someday you'll get the truth you're so desperate for, but it's not going to be today."
Before he walked away completely, he gave you one last look, his tone playful but laced with a hint of warning. “Be careful what you dig up, princess. Sometimes the truth’s more trouble than it’s worth.”
And with that, he turned his back to you, disappearing into the crowd.
Gojou returned home after the long night of celebrations had died down, the adrenaline from the race long gone, now replaced by a gnawing emptiness that felt like it might hollow him out. His penthouse was in the hear of Tokyo—a sleek, modern apartment with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the neon-drenched skyline.
As he opened the door, the soft him of the city below was drowned out by the sound of footsteps, His wife, Hana, appeared from the hallway, her arms crossed tightly across her chest, her eyes narrowed. She was dressed in a sleek black outfit, her dark hair pulled back, a looking a frustration etched onto her face.
“You’re late."
“Didn’t realize I was on a curfew,” he replied, shrugging off his jacket and tossing it onto a nearby chair.
“Don’t act like that.” Her eyes flashed as she followed him into the living room. “You missed the dinner with my parents again. They’ve been asking about you, wondering why you’re never around.”
“Hana, I just won a race,” he replied, exasperated. “Sorry if I wasn’t in the mood to play the doting son-in-law tonight.”
She scoffed, crossing her arms tighter. “Of course, it’s always about the race with you. Everything is about that damn career, isn’t it?”
“You knew what you were signing up for when you married me.”
“Maybe I didn’t know it would mean you disappearing for days, weeks sometimes, chasing whatever thrill you think you need to feel alive.”
“What’s your point, Hana? We’ve had this argument a hundred times.”
“The point is, Satoru,” she said, voice trembling with anger, “that you seem to care more about everything else than this marriage. I’m just a fixture in your life, something you come back to whenever you need to check a box or show face. But you’re never really here.”
He let out a harsh laugh, the bitter sound filling the apartment. "Here we go again. Hana, it’s not like you’ve been some shining example of commitment either. You’ve known what this is for months.”
“What this is?” Her voice rose, cracking slightly as she repeated his words. “What exactly is ‘this,’ Satoru? A sham? A partnership for appearances? I thought you loved me…"
“I can’t keep doing this,” she continued softly, her voice breaking. “The lying, the pretending. It’s exhausting.”
“So what do you want me to say, Hana? That I’m some perfect husband?” He gestured to himself, shaking his head with a smirk that looked almost pained. “We’re both guilty here. Let’s not act like this hasn’t been a slow-motion train wreck.”
“Fine. But do me a favor—at least act like you care when people ask. Because every time I hear some story about you, another scandal or rumor, it’s like a slap in the face. My family, my friends—everyone’s talking. They see the headlines too.”
“Fine. But do me a favor—at least act like you care when people ask. Because every time I hear some story about you, another scandal or rumor, it’s like a slap in the face. My family, my friends—everyone’s talking. They see the headlines too.”
“What do you want from me, Hana?” he asked quietly, the fight suddenly draining out of him. “You want me to pretend I’m someone I’m not?”
“I want… I wanted the man I married. The one who cared, who had dreams."
“Then maybe,” he said finally, his voice almost a whisper, “it’s time to stop pretending.”
As Gojou stood there running a hand through his hair. Hana paused, her expression shifting from something resigned to something wounded.
“And there’s one more thing."
He looked at her, brow furrowing. “Fucking Christ Hana, what now?”
“Do you think I’m stupid, Satoru?” she asked, folding her arms tightly across her chest. “I know what’s out there. The rumors. The whispers about who you’re with when you’re not here. Or maybe you think I don’t hear them.”
He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Hana, they’re just rumors. You know how the press is—they’ll twist anything for a story.”
“Twist what, exactly? Why do they have something to twist in the first place?”
“They don’t have anything. It’s just the media looking for something to make people read. Speculation sells.”
“Right. Speculation. But funny how it’s always about you, always linked to another woman.”
“That’s because I’m under a microscope. People love to create scandals, especially with someone like me. And you know that better than anyone.”
“It’s not just them, Satoru. People talk, and it’s not just baseless gossip. I’m not naive. I hear things from people close to you, people who actually know you.”
“You really believe them? You think I’m out there, risking everything for some—” He stopped himself, biting his tongue.
“Do I? I don’t even know my own husband anymore. Maybe I should ask them. Or maybe I should ask you directly, Satoru. Are you seeing someone?”
“Why are we even doing this?”
“Because I want the truth. Just once. I deserve that much, don’t I?”
“Believe what you want, Hana. I don’t have anything else to say.”
“Then maybe that’s all I need to know.”
Gojou stormed out of his apartment, his hands clenching and unclenching as he tried to shake off his frustration. He'd had enough for one night. His heart was pounding and the last thing he wanted was to be alone with his thoughts. He needed to get out, to drown the anger with something that could at least help him forget.
The bar he found was tucked away down a dim side street in Shibuya. It wasn't anything fancy–a dark cry from the glitzy nightlife he was used to–but it was dark and quiet which was exactly what he needed. He slid onto a bar stool and motioned for a drink, not bothering to pay attention to what the bartender poured.
He sipped his drink in silence, trying to tune out the night and all the noise in his head. The alcohol burned down his throat, but it was a welcome distraction that numbed his anger and frustration. He was almost on his third drink when he noticed someone sitting in the corner of the room, hunched over a notebook, tapping her pen against her cheek in thought.
She's cute, he thought to himself. He squinted trying to get a better look at the young woman, and he immediately recognized, it was you.
Of all the places he'd expect to see you, this shitty bar wasn't one of them. You looked so absorbed in your work, like you were piecing together something for a story. Satoru's curiosity got the better of him, and he stood up carrying his drink as he made his way over to where you were sitting.
"Well, well," he said, leaning against the back of the chair across from you. “Didn’t peg you for a bar rat, but maybe I was wrong.”
Your head snapped up, and your eyes widened slightly in surprise. “Gojou Satoru. What a surprise.”
“Mind if I sit?” he asked, already taking the seat.
“Didn’t think someone like you would end up in a place like this. Celebrating?”
He gave a dry laugh, swirling the glass in his hand. “Something like that.”
“So, what are you doing here, really? Figured you’d be at a fancy cafe, writing about some important news story.”
“Maybe I am. Research is research, even if it’s in a bar. Maybe it’s you I’m writing about.”
“So I’m your new project, huh?”
“Maybe. It’s part of this little journalism course I’m doing. We’re supposed to pick a public figure and write a profile. Someone who’s got a… colorful public image.”
“Colorful, huh?” He smirked. “Guess I’m your lucky target. Hope I make an interesting subject."
“Interesting is one word for it,” you replied, a faint smirk tugging at your lips. “What’s got you so quiet tonight? I thought you’d be surrounded by fans somewhere.”
He shrugged, taking a long sip of his drink. “Not in the mood for fans tonight.”
“Tough race?”
He laughed humorlessly, shaking his head. “Not the race. Just… life, I guess.”
“So,” he said, leaning in. “tell me about this little journalism course. You planning to make a career out of stalking poor drivers like me?”
“It’s a bit more complicated than that. We’re learning how to ‘uncover the truth’—or at least, that’s what they say. So far, it’s been a lot of digging through archives and learning to ask the right questions.”
“Right questions, huh?” He arched an eyebrow. “Let’s hear one. What would you ask me, if I were your ‘colorful public figure’?”
“Alright, Gojou. How does someone at the top of their game manage to keep it all together? All the races, the publicity, the pressure… don’t you ever feel like it’s too much?”
“Honestly?” He ran a hand through his hair, glancing away. “Sometimes, yeah. It’s not as easy as it looks, being the guy everyone thinks has it all together. But people don’t care about that part. They just want the show.”
“So you put on the show.”
“Guess that’s what it comes down to.” He laughed, but it sounded hollow even to his own ears. “People don’t want to see a guy crack under pressure. They want the image.”
“But what do you want?”
No one ever asked him that, as if what he wanted didn’t matter.
“What do I want?” he repeated, a slight smirk tugging at his lips as he tried to dodge the question. “Maybe another drink.”
I’m serious. Behind all of that… what’s left?”
“Honestly? Sometimes I don’t even know anymore. It’s like I’ve been going so fast for so long, I can’t remember what it was I was chasing in the first place.”
“Maybe that’s what you need to figure out, then.”
He looked at you, and the faintest trace of a genuine smile broke through. “Maybe.”
The two of you sat in silence, and he found himself grateful for it. You didn't press or pry at him and he thought that he could just be himself, even if it was just for a little while.
“Alright,” he said finally, nudging your notebook with his finger. “So, future journalist, you really gonna write all this down? Make me sound like some tortured artist?”
You smirked. “I’ll try to be kind. Maybe I’ll even leave out the part where you go to bars alone and pretend to be mysterious.”
“Ouch,” he chuckled, holding up his drink in mock surrender. “Noted. But I expect a copy when it’s published. Autographed, obviously.”
“Obviously,” you replied, laughing as you clinked your glass against his. “But don’t expect it to be flattering.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
As the conversation continued, Gojou found himself leaning in closer. You both let the drinks keep coming, though it was less about how much alcohol you were consuming and more about the way the words spilled more easily between you two.
“So,” you asked, taking another sip of your drink, “what’s it actually like out there? Everyone sees the fame, the money, the cars, but… what’s it really like?”
He exhaled, tapping his fingers on the edge of his glass. “Honestly? It’s… intense. There’s this high to it, this adrenaline. Nothing like it. You’re pushing yourself and everyone around you to the edge," he tilted his head. “But sometimes, it feels like the line between winning and crashing out isn’t as thick as people think. You cross it once, and that’s it—you’re done.”
“Doesn’t that scare you?”
“A little. But I’m more afraid of what happens if I stop. It’s like… I don’t know what I’d be without it. Guess that sounds stupid.”
“No, it doesn’t. I get it. When something’s all you know… giving it up is like giving up a part of yourself. Scary as hell.”
“Exactly. Guess we all have our addictions, huh?”
Shit. Did he say too much?
You didn’t push, just gave him a quiet nod. “So, what’s Tokyo Jujutsu like? It's one of the toughest team on the grid, right?”
“You know it. They’re tough as hell, no room for error. And they sure as hell won’t give you a second chance if you mess up.”
“Sounds brutal."
“Yeah, maybe. I guess I like the challenge. Or maybe I just like proving people wrong.”
“Enough about me," he continued. What about you? What’s the deal with this journalism project? Are you trying to make a name for yourself by exposing all my secrets?”
You laughed, shaking your head. “Believe it or not, my goal in life isn’t to ruin yours. I actually think it’s fascinating, learning what drives people, what keeps them going, even when things get messy.”
“Messy? What makes you think my life is messy?”
“Oh, please. Gojou Satoru’s life is one headline after another. You’re practically the poster boy for drama.”
He feigned a hurt expression, placing a hand over his heart. “You wound me. I’m just a guy trying to make a living, you know?”
“Right,” you said, rolling your eyes. “Just a guy who happens to have a dozen scandals and an equal number of speeding tickets.”
“Hey,” he laughed, leaning back in his chair. “I’m a professional, okay? That’s all part of the job.”
The two of you continued to chat into the night. Gojou found himself relaxing, caught up in the rare comfort of talking with someone who didn’t expect him to play a part. He could just… be.
At some point, the bartender announced last call, and Gojou glanced at you, smirking. “Guess that’s our cue.”
You stretched, gathering your notebook and tucking it under your arm. “Thanks for the, uh, ‘research material.’ It was… enlightening.”
He laughed, standing and grabbing his coat. “Anytime. But don’t go making me look like a complete asshole in your little project, alright?”
“No promises."
Outside, the air was crisp as he faint hum of city traffic the only sound as you stood together on the quiet street. Gojou slid his hands into his pockets, looking at you.
Outside, the air was crisp as the faint him of the city being the only sound as you stood together on the quiet street. Gojou slide his hands into his pockets, looking at you.
“Maybe we’ll run into each other again."
“Only if you’re brave enough to handle more questions.”
“Oh, I’m plenty brave. But we’ll see if you’re as good at digging as you think.”
You rolled your eyes, laughing as you turned to leave, throwing him a casual wave. “Goodnight, Mr. Gojou.”
“Goodnight,” he echoed, watching as you disappeared down the empty street.
In that moment he realized, he never did catch your name.
© satorulovebot 2024 please do not repost, plagiarize, or translate my work.
#gojo satoru#gojo satoru x reader#gojo satoru x y/n#gojou satoru x y/n#gojou satoru#gojou satoru x reader#gojo saturo#satoru gojo#jujustsu kaisen x reader#gojo x reader#gojo x you#gojo angst#jujutsu kaisen au#gojo fanfic#jjk x reader#jjk x y/n#jjk x you
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MUTANT BODYGUARD - part III
⤷ JAMES LOGAN HOWLETT
ᯓ★ Pairing: James Logan Howlett x fem!reader
ᯓ★ part 1 | part 2 | part 3
ᯓ★ Genre: fluff and spicy (I mean, it's Logan...)
ᯓ★ Story type: short story
ᯓ★ Word count: 8.3k
ᯓ★ Summary: Your life with Logan was going just fine, but fine doesn't last long in celebrities' world: first rumors of a break up, then of him having an affair, Logan can't stand to see you so upset and decides to take matter into his own hands with a livestream.
ᯓ★ TW(s): mentions of cheating
ᯓ★ Timeline: doesn't follow a timeline in the x-men movies
ᯓ★ Request: I would love to read more of this. Can you imagine Logan's reaction if the tabloids spread crazy rumors of a breakup or an affair like they do to celebrities all of the time (especially if it's about him). He'd be so confused and probably annoyed if the reader teased him about it (@needz1nk)
ᯓ★ From: Marvel Bingo, Bodyguard romance x Age Gap
ᯓ★ Comment if you want to be added to the taglist (specify if you want the everything taglist or for a specific character)
ᯓ★ Songs & Superheroes tales - The Game (to make a request, follow the rules on the link!)
ᯓ★ MARVEL Multiverse - choose an AU, pair it with your favorite character and make a request!
ᯓ★ MARVEL Bingo (requests open)
ᯓ★ My Masterlist
ᯓ★ If you are a Charles Xavier lover click on this link!
ᯓ★ English isn't my first language and this isn’t proof read
In the weeks following the premiere and the much-talked-about bathroom incident, the media whirlwind surrounding you and Logan only intensified. What started as a curious whisper in celebrity news quickly exploded into a full-blown frenzy, with headlines splashing your relationship across screens and magazine covers everywhere. The story of an A-list actress and her bodyguard falling in love had the public hooked, and as the details trickled out, interest only grew. Some saw it as the ultimate fairytale romance; others found reasons to criticize. But the one thing that everyone seemed to agree on was that they couldn't look away.
To your surprise, the publicity sparked an unexpected wave of support from fans, old and new. Overnight, you gained a whole new group of followers who adored the idea of a love story that defied Hollywood norms. Your existing fans were thrilled to see a new side of you, one that was raw and authentic, and they rallied around you, excited to see you so visibly happy. They shared clips from interviews, fan edits of you and Logan on the red carpet, and screenshots from the infamous bathroom encounter. The comments flooded your social media: "Finally! She's found someone who treats her like a queen!" "They are SO cute together, I’m obsessed!" "This is real love. Logan’s the best thing to happen to her!" These fans painted your timeline with heart emojis, hashtags about true love, and affirmations that they’d “ship” you and Logan forever.
But it wasn’t just your fans who were excited; Logan found himself with an entirely new fan base of his own. Almost overnight, he was propelled from being a low-key presence in your life to a reluctant but undeniable celebrity in his own right. Fan pages popped up dedicated entirely to him, featuring candid photos of Logan at events, his brooding glances at premieres, and, most frequently, the rare, disarming smile that he would flash only at you. Girls who had likely never noticed Logan’s existence before were now obsessing over his rugged looks and quiet confidence. They analyzed his style, dissected his every movement, and swapped theories about his background. Despite his straightforward nature, Logan was an enigma to them, a new kind of celebrity who neither wanted the fame nor cared about the public adulation. The mystery only added to his appeal.
Social media was brimming with Logan-related content, much of it filled with admiration and even longing. Comments like, “If I can’t have a man like Logan, what’s the point?” and “Forget actors—I want a real man like him!” filled his unofficial fan pages. People shared photoshopped images of themselves with him, fan fiction imagining scenarios where they were in your place, and “Logan appreciation” threads discussing every aspect of his appeal. Some even went so far as to analyze the subtle possessiveness he had towards you, swooning over how protective he seemed. To many, he was the embodiment of an old-school romance hero, a modern knight who had swept in to protect and claim his woman in a world where that felt rare.
But as with anything that reached this level of fame, not all of the attention was positive. Alongside the supportive comments and fan accounts, there were plenty of harsh, critical voices determined to tear you down. Many people were quick to question what a successful actress like you was doing with someone like Logan, a bodyguard whose life had previously been so removed from the glitz of Hollywood. They called you names, some implying that your relationship was a publicity stunt, a bid for attention rather than a genuine connection. Others criticized Logan, saying he was just another “bodyguard boyfriend” trying to capitalize on your fame and insinuating that he was only with you for personal gain.
The hate was worst on social media, where anonymity often emboldened people to say things they wouldn’t dare voice in person. Comments like “What does she even see in him?” or “She’s just desperate for attention” littered your posts. Some were even more malicious, accusing you of “using Logan to stay relevant” or “replacing real talent with a guy she pays to protect her.” A few particularly harsh ones left a bitter taste in your mouth, claiming things like, “He’s way too good for her. She’ll chew him up and spit him out like every other guy.” Or, “This relationship won’t last—she’ll move on when something better comes along.”
As more and more of these comments appeared, you found yourself drawn to reading them, almost obsessively. Logan noticed, of course. He was perceptive enough to catch the flicker of hurt in your eyes when you looked at your phone, and he’d quietly reach over, pulling you close or brushing his hand along your back, grounding you in the simplicity of his presence. He didn't bother with comments himself, brushing them off like flies, reminding you time and again that the opinions of strangers meant nothing to him. But for you, it was harder to ignore. You were used to some degree of online criticism as an actress, but this—people questioning your worth as a person, as Logan’s partner—felt different. More personal.
Logan’s attitude was almost infuriating in its calm. "Why are you letting this get to you?" he’d ask in his straightforward way, his tone gruff yet gentle as he brushed a lock of hair behind your ear. "We know what’s real here. We know us." And, for the most part, you tried to hold onto that—his certainty in the face of so much noise. But as the relationship continued to grow in the public eye, so did the backlash, and it felt relentless.
One evening, after a particularly long day filled with work obligations and negative comments online, you finally snapped. You were sitting on the couch, phone in hand, scrolling through the endless barrage of insults, unable to look away. “I just don’t get it, Logan,” you said, your voice tinged with frustration. “Why do people hate that we’re together? Why does it matter so much to them?”
Logan took a seat beside you, his arm draped over the back of the couch as he looked at you with that steady gaze. “Because it’s easier for them to tear down what they don’t understand. They don’t know us—they only know what they see through a screen. And that’s their problem, not ours.”
He took the phone from your hand, setting it aside. “Let them talk,” he said simply, his hand reaching out to cup your cheek. “We don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Not them, not the press, no one.”
You looked into his eyes, and something inside you calmed. There, in his gaze, you saw a reminder of why this was worth it—why he was worth it. Logan’s love was fierce, unwavering, unbothered by the noise of the outside world. His grip on you was steady, grounding, reminding you that while the world might be relentless in its opinions, your relationship was a world in itself, untouched by the chaos outside.
In the following weeks, you began to focus more on the people who supported you, on those who cheered you on. Fan art, letters, and messages poured in from people who felt inspired by your relationship. There were stories from fans who saw your romance as proof that love could be found in unexpected places, that there were still people in the world who loved fully, openly, and without pretense. You shared little glimpses of your life with Logan—a cozy coffee date, a lazy Sunday spent reading together, the way he cooked you breakfast, often burning the toast but always insisting on making it himself.
The support grew, and eventually, it drowned out the negativity. You learned to scroll past the hateful comments, ignoring them in favor of the warm messages of encouragement and love. Fans sent you photos of their own relationships, shared stories of how they met their partners, and thanked you for showing a love story that felt real and grounded. You and Logan became symbols of something rare, a reminder that even in the glamorous world of Hollywood, love could be simple, honest, and unbreakable.
And though Logan still brushed off his fame with a gruff indifference, even he couldn’t ignore the sheer number of fans who now adored him. He’d laugh and shake his head at the fan edits, the swooning comments, and the declarations of love from girls around the world. It was amusing to him, in a way, but he never let it distract from what mattered most to him—you.
On one of the quieter nights, after the frenzy had calmed a bit and life had settled into a new rhythm, Logan pulled you into his arms, his gaze soft and tender. “They can say what they want,” he murmured, his thumb tracing gentle patterns along your hand. “I don’t care about the fans, the reporters, the hate. I care about you. Just you.”
In that moment, you knew that nothing could shake the foundation you had built together. You’d face the public scrutiny, the fan obsessions, and the media circus as long as you had Logan by your side. His love was your safe haven, an anchor in the storm. No matter what the world threw your way, you’d face it together, knowing that what you had was stronger than any headline, truer than any rumor, and more resilient than the relentless opinions of the world outside. And with that knowledge, you finally felt at peace.
But peace never lasts long.
The morning sunlight streamed softly through the blinds, casting a warm, golden glow over the room. You blinked awake, still heavy with sleep, finding yourself entangled with Logan, both of you cocooned in the soft sheets, the remnants of the previous night still lingering in the gentle aches and comfortable mess you lay in. Logan was tucked against you, his face nestled against your chest, arms wrapped securely around your waist. It was one of those rare, quiet moments where his usual stoic, protective demeanor softened completely, replaced with something vulnerable and at peace.
You reached up, gently running your fingers through his messy hair, savoring the way he leaned into your touch, almost nuzzling closer with a content sigh. He was still half-asleep, his breathing steady and deep, and you took a quiet moment to simply enjoy the closeness, the peaceful warmth of his body pressed to yours.
Trying not to disturb him, you carefully reached over to the nightstand for your phone, scrolling through notifications and messages that had piled up overnight. A headline immediately caught your eye, its bold letters practically screaming back at you: “Hollywood It-Couple Split? Inside Sources Say Y/N and Logan Call It Quits.” Your mouth twisted in frustration as you read the so-called “insider scoop,” filled with baseless claims and invented reasons for your supposed breakup. There were even theories about a “rising actor” who had “come between you,” speculating wildly about drama that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
The words clawed at you, stirring irritation—but then you looked down at Logan, blissfully unaware, relaxed and vulnerable in a way only you ever saw. A mischievous idea sparked, and you carefully angled your phone to capture the scene, framing his face nestled against you, his arm looped around your waist, both of you tangled together beneath the sheets. You barely stifled a laugh, sure that Logan would have rolled his eyes if he were awake.
After double-checking the photo, you typed out a quick caption: Woke up to some…interesting headlines this morning. We’re fine, thanks. Adding a winking emoji, you hit Post and set your phone aside, the grin still playing on your lips.
The post took off almost instantly, notifications flooding in as fans and friends alike chimed in. Most comments were thrilled reactions, with fans sending heart emojis and playfully chiding the tabloids for trying to mess with “the ultimate couple.” Others were friends and fellow actors tagging Logan, with messages like “Better watch out—she’s got the receipts!”
As the notifications rolled in, Logan stirred, blinking awake and looking up at you, a sleepy smile tugging at his lips. “Morning,” he murmured, his voice rough with sleep, as he stretched and tightened his arm around you. His eyes shifted to your phone, catching a glimpse of the notifications lighting up the screen. “What’s going on?”
You bit your lip, barely holding back a laugh as you handed him the phone. “Just correcting a few tabloid rumors.”
He squinted at the screen, his expression shifting from confusion to a smirk as he took in the post. “So…we’ve broken up, huh?” he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm. “Didn’t realize that’s how I spent my night.”
You snorted, shaking your head as he looked back at you, a glint of amusement in his eyes. “Guess they think I dumped you or something,” you said, wrapping your arms around his neck. “But, you know, I figured I’d let them know I’m still kind of attached.”
He let out a soft chuckle, leaning down to press a slow kiss to your lips. “Good. Maybe now they’ll back off.” He nestled closer, resting his head back against your chest, his hand finding yours beneath the sheets. His thumb traced gentle circles on your skin, and he took a long, contented breath, settling back down beside you. “But if they keep it up…maybe I’ll give them a real reason to talk.”
You laughed, the two of you lingering in the warmth of each other and the morning, the world and its noise fading completely into the background.
The decision to go public that day felt more like a playful challenge than a chore. After the tabloid drama and breakup rumors, you and Logan wanted to make a statement—and what better way than a casual, romantic date in broad daylight? The plan was to keep it simple: a quiet brunch in one of the city’s more charming cafés, followed by a relaxed walk through a nearby park. It was your kind of day, one that would be easygoing… at least in theory.
As you strolled into the café, Logan’s hand resting firmly on your waist, you couldn’t help but feel a slight thrill at the curious glances that people threw your way. Some recognized you immediately, eyes widening as they connected the dots, their gazes shifting from you to Logan. There was something invigorating about the excitement, the quiet murmur of onlookers exchanging theories and tidbits of information about you two. Logan, however, seemed undeterred. He wore that calm, collected expression, the slightest smirk on his lips as he leaned down to ask, “Are you sure about this?”
You laughed, giving him a quick nudge with your shoulder. “Just relax. If we don’t play into it, maybe the rumors will die down, and everyone can go back to wondering who the next big rom-com couple is.”
Logan chuckled softly, but the humor didn’t mask the possessiveness in his gaze as he looked at you. “Let them look,” he muttered, his voice low and more serious than before. “They’ll get the message.”
You ordered your coffee and pastries, taking a seat by the large window, where sunlight poured in and gave the whole scene a warm glow. Logan stretched an arm along the back of your chair, his fingers tracing idle circles on your shoulder. You leaned into him, savoring the intimacy. His touch was protective, almost territorial, a statement to anyone paying attention. And given the covert snaps you noticed from a couple of phones nearby, people were most definitely paying attention.
As you sipped your coffee, you felt the heat of his gaze on you, and when you looked up, his eyes were smoldering, hinting at the simmering tension between you both. His thumb traced light patterns on your skin, a touch that seemed innocent to anyone watching, but you knew better. You raised an eyebrow, trying to keep a straight face.
“Behave,” you whispered, just loud enough for him to hear, grinning.
“Trying to,” he murmured, his lips twitching into a smirk. “You’re making it difficult.”
Just then, a group of young fans approached your table, their excitement barely contained. “Y/N, we’re so sorry to interrupt, but could we maybe get a picture with you?” one of them asked, her voice shaking slightly as she held out her phone.
You smiled warmly and stood up, nodding. “Of course! No need to apologize. It’s great to meet you all!”
Logan remained seated, watching with a mix of pride and amusement as you interacted with them. You could feel his eyes following you, as if even this brief separation was pushing the limits of his patience. When a few other fans spotted you, they hurried over, and you ended up signing a few autographs, sharing laughs, and answering quick questions. But all the while, you couldn’t shake the feeling of Logan’s gaze—protective, possessive—burning into you.
When you finally returned to your seat, you found him leaning back, a smug grin on his face. He reached out, taking your hand in his, but instead of his usual steady grip, he laced his fingers through yours, holding you close, and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to your temple. His thumb traced along your knuckles, his eyes gleaming with a mix of pride and heat. “Missed you,” he murmured, his voice low.
You bit your lip, the warmth in his touch sparking a subtle thrill. “I was only gone for a minute.”
“Yeah, well, felt like longer,” he replied, his gaze slipping down to your lips. And with that, he shifted closer, so close that his arm practically enveloped you.
As you exchanged glances, you noticed movement outside the café window. A few paparazzi were hovering, cameras clicking as they angled to get the best view of you two. You suppressed a sigh, your fingers giving his a light squeeze.
Logan noticed them too, and a smirk tugged at his lips. “They’re going to have a field day,” he said, voice low, almost amused.
“Well,” you replied, leaning back in your seat and resting your hand on his leg, “let’s give them a reason to talk.”
Without hesitation, Logan slipped his arm fully around you, his fingers gently tracing up your spine, leaving a trail of warmth in their wake. He pulled you in a bit closer, his other hand finding its way to your knee, sending sparks through you. His touch felt like a secret promise, an unspoken agreement that this day would end much differently than it started.
For a while, you both stayed there, the casual intimacy you shared made even more tantalizing by the audience beyond the glass. The café staff seemed oblivious, while the other patrons either pretended not to notice or tried unsuccessfully to hide their intrigue. But Logan’s focus was solely on you, his gaze dark and hungry. When he shifted his hand slightly, trailing his thumb along your thigh, you felt your breath catch. His fingertips pressed into your leg with a subtle possessiveness, and you found yourself pressing closer to him, drawn by the warmth radiating between you.
After what felt like an eternity of heightened tension, you finally looked up at him, the simmering heat between you both almost unbearable. “Maybe we should head back?” you suggested, your voice a little breathless.
Logan’s smirk widened, and he nodded, eyes gleaming with anticipation. “Good idea.”
You left the café, his hand resting on your lower back as he guided you outside. The paparazzi didn’t miss a beat, following as you both made your way down the street. Logan’s arm slipped around your shoulders, pulling you closer, and he leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head, his touch protective and intimate. You felt the heat of his body against yours, the silent promise in every gentle graze of his fingers, and it made your pulse quicken.
Once you were out of the immediate view of the photographers, Logan’s pace quickened, his hand firmly grasping yours as he practically guided you through the bustling street back toward your penthouse. The urgency in his touch sent a thrill through you, and you matched his steps, the excitement building with every block closer you got.
By the time you reached the front door, he was practically pressing into you, his hands slipping to your waist as he leaned down to capture your lips in a deep, searing kiss. You fumbled with your keys, finally managing to open the door, and Logan wasted no time as he swept you inside, shutting it firmly behind you. His hands found your waist, drawing you close as he kissed you again, his touch heated and demanding, all traces of the earlier restraint gone.
In the elevator up to your penthouse, the air between you was charged, every glance and touch laced with unspoken desire. When the doors finally opened, he pulled you through the hallway, neither of you able to keep your hands off each other. You finally reached the bedroom, and Logan wasted no time, pressing you gently against the door as he captured your mouth in a kiss that was fierce and full of promise. His hands roamed your body, drawing out every shiver and gasp as he reminded you exactly why you were his and no one else’s.
Hours later, the two of you lay tangled in bed, your skin still warm and hearts racing. Logan’s arm was wrapped around you, holding you close as you traced lazy patterns on his chest, both of you basking in the afterglow. His fingers trailed along your back, grounding you in the quiet intimacy that followed the rush of your passion.
You looked up at him, finding his gaze soft and content as he watched you, the earlier fire replaced by a gentle warmth. “That was some date,” you murmured, a playful smile tugging at your lips.
Logan chuckled, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. “Best one yet.” He wrapped his arm tighter around you, his hand resting on the small of your back as he held you close. “You think they got the message?”
You laughed, leaning up to kiss him, savoring the way he responded, his touch possessive yet tender. “I’d say so. But even if they didn’t, I think I did.”
Logan’s smirk softened into a smile, his eyes crinkling at the edges as he gazed at you. “Good,” he murmured, his voice low and full of promise. “Because I’m not letting you go.”
And you believed him when he told you that, maybe it was a mistake.
Logan's departure that morning had been straightforward enough, or so you thought. He’d given you a warm kiss, his hand lingering at the small of your back before he told you he had to step out for a meeting with his boss at the security company. He looked over at you with a reassuring smile, promising to be back soon, and you smiled back, content to spend a few hours on your own, catching up on your script and maybe even indulging in a bath while he was away. But as soon as the door closed behind him, you felt a pang of loneliness tug at you, surprising you with its strength.
Settling into your routine, you tried to distract yourself. The penthouse was quiet, bathed in soft, early-morning sunlight, and you could almost convince yourself to relax as you flipped through the pages of your script. But then, only half an hour after Logan left, your phone buzzed with the first notification, and then another, and another.
With a quick glance, you saw a string of messages, each one loaded with concern—or worse, nosy excitement.
“Did you see?!” “Is it true? I can’t believe it!” “Are you okay, Y/N?”
A frown creased your brow as you scrolled, your stomach sinking. It wasn’t like you to entertain rumors, especially when they came from gossipy texts and half-informed messages. But curiosity, and a rising dread, got the better of you. Taking a deep breath, you tapped on one of the links a friend had sent, dreading what you might find.
The headline blared across the screen: "Hollywood Bodyguard Logan Hunter Seen Entering Hotel of Y/N's Onscreen Rival—Secret Affair?"
You felt a pang in your chest, an ache that spread like ice through your veins. The article went on to detail how Logan was supposedly spotted entering a high-end hotel known for housing out-of-town celebrities. It even specified that just last night, the actress playing your onscreen rival had checked into that very hotel, sparking an avalanche of speculation. Photographers had apparently captured Logan, his head down, wearing his usual serious expression as he slipped through the hotel doors.
Scrolling down, you were greeted with low-quality images that only seemed to confirm what the article suggested. Your stomach twisted as you looked at each one, desperately searching for anything that might tell you it wasn’t him or that this was just some ridiculous, elaborate misunderstanding. But there was no denying the figure in the pictures, no denying his familiar stance and his unmistakable gait.
The words blurred on the screen as tears pricked at the corners of your eyes. You wanted to dismiss it as another fabricated rumor, but you couldn’t shake the sick feeling churning inside. Why hadn’t he mentioned meeting anyone else? And why had he gone to a hotel—especially one that you knew was currently hosting the actress you’d been cast against?
Your phone buzzed again, breaking you from your spiraling thoughts. It was a text from your best friend:
“Are you okay? I’m here if you need to talk.”
The floodgates opened, and you wiped at a tear slipping down your cheek. The logical part of you wanted to believe there was some other explanation, that this was all just some twisted coincidence, but doubt gnawed at you. How many times had you seen stories of relationships torn apart by the pressures of Hollywood, of people you thought you knew falling for someone else?
The hours ticked by slowly, each minute dragging as you paced the penthouse, your mind replaying the images of Logan entering the hotel over and over. You tried distracting yourself, tried focusing on the work in front of you, but everything felt meaningless, drowned by a painful insecurity that left you feeling hollow. Every time your phone buzzed with another notification, you felt a jolt of dread, bracing yourself for more damning evidence, more messages laced with pity or curiosity.
By the time the sky had darkened, you’d grown exhausted from waiting, from the endless battle in your mind. Just when you were beginning to think you couldn’t handle it any longer, you heard the click of the front door. Logan stepped in, looking tired but offering you that familiar smile. But one look at you, and his expression softened, worry instantly replacing the calm he’d walked in with.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, his voice gentle as he crossed the room toward you, brow furrowed with concern.
You swallowed, the hurt in your chest making it hard to meet his eyes. But you forced yourself to look up, forcing out the words. “Where were you today, Logan?”
He blinked, clearly not expecting the question. “I told you—I had a meeting with my boss. It was… it took a bit longer than expected.”
You took a deep breath, trying to keep your voice steady. “Why did I see pictures of you going into that hotel? The one where…” Your voice trailed off as you struggled to get the words out. “Where she’s staying?”
Realization dawned in his eyes, and he reached out, but you took a step back, needing space to breathe. The last thing you wanted was to let him see how deeply his absence had hurt you, but you couldn’t help the hurt and confusion that flashed across your face.
Logan’s gaze softened, his shoulders slumping as he realized the depth of your pain. “Y/N… I can explain everything. But please believe me, I would never hurt you. Never.”
His words were soft, sincere, and they tugged at your heart, urging you to believe him. But the images, the articles, and the words of everyone who’d reached out to you that day weighed heavily on your mind.
“Then tell me,” you whispered, your voice barely audible.
Logan took a deep breath, looking down for a moment before meeting your gaze again. “I was at that hotel, yes, but it had nothing to do with her.” He took a step closer, hands raised in a calming gesture. “My boss, he’s in town for a security conference. He booked a suite there for some meetings, and that’s where we met. I didn’t even know she was staying there, Y/N. And if I had, I would’ve told you.”
Your heart ached as you listened, torn between relief and residual doubt. “But why didn’t you tell me you’d be going somewhere like that?” you asked, the words spilling out, carrying with them the vulnerability you’d tried so hard to hide.
Logan’s expression softened, and he stepped closer, his hand reaching out to cup your cheek. “I should have. You’re right. I didn’t think twice about it because it was just a meeting. But I never meant to hurt you, and I certainly didn’t mean to give you any reason to doubt us.” His thumb brushed gently along your cheek, his touch grounding you, and you closed your eyes, leaning into his palm.
He tilted your chin up, forcing you to meet his gaze. “You’re the only one, Y/N. I don’t care who else is around, or what anyone else thinks. It’s you. Always.”
A tear slipped down your cheek, but this time, it was from relief. His sincerity, the warmth in his eyes, and the quiet conviction in his voice slowly chipped away at the walls you’d built up over the course of the day. You let out a shaky breath, nodding as the tension in your shoulders began to dissolve.
“I was scared,” you admitted, the words spilling out in a whisper. “I didn’t want to believe it, but… seeing those pictures…”
Logan’s arms wrapped around you, pulling you close, and you buried your face in his chest, letting the warmth of his embrace soothe the ache that had settled in your heart. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “I never wanted to put you through that. I should’ve thought it through, should’ve told you exactly where I was.”
You pulled back slightly, looking up at him through damp lashes, a weak smile tugging at your lips. “I guess I’ve just gotten so used to having you here, with me, that even a few hours apart feels… different.”
He smiled softly, his fingers brushing along your cheek as he gazed down at you. “And I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” His voice was steady, and you felt the weight of his words settle over you, anchoring you in a newfound sense of security.
As the evening continued, the doubt that had clouded your mind all day finally began to dissipate, replaced by the reassurance of his presence. You knew there would always be whispers, rumors, and challenges that came with dating someone in the public eye, but standing there in his arms, you realized that together, you could weather anything.
For the rest of the evening, Logan held you close, his touches soft and gentle as if to make up for the strain you’d endured. You knew that while today had shaken you, it had also strengthened your bond, reinforcing the trust that lay at the heart of your relationship.
And as you fell asleep that night, wrapped securely in his arms, you knew that no matter what headlines the world threw your way, you and Logan would face them together, grounded in a love that was real, unwavering, and stronger than any rumor.
As the gentle rise and fall of your breathing softened into an even rhythm, Logan watched you, a small smile tugging at his lips. You looked so peaceful curled up beside him, your face nestled in the crook of his arm, completely unaware of the world—and of the storm of rumors that had swirled around you all day. The day had been rougher than he’d anticipated; the flood of doubt and worry on your face when he’d walked back into the penthouse had hit him harder than he wanted to admit. And now, with you safely sleeping, he wanted to reassure you and everyone else that he wasn’t going anywhere.
As his eyes drifted toward your phone on the nightstand, an idea crossed his mind, one he hadn’t considered before. Logan wasn’t exactly tech-savvy—social media wasn’t his thing—but he had watched you do enough Instagram lives that he thought he could probably figure it out, even if he wasn’t sure why people watched them. Maybe if he said something himself, directly to the people spreading rumors, they’d get the message. He carefully leaned over, stretching for your phone without disturbing you. Punching in the familiar digits of your anniversary date, the screen unlocked, revealing your Instagram feed. The notifications were relentless: messages, comments, and tags, all seemingly tied to today’s hotel incident.
Taking a deep breath, he found the camera icon, hesitating as he checked the lighting. The room was dimly lit by the soft glow of your bedside lamp, which cast a warm glow over your face as you slept soundly against his chest. He shifted the camera angle to show you snuggled against him, and after a moment of deliberation, he pressed Go Live.
The screen suddenly transformed, displaying a timer and a small notification telling him people were beginning to join the live stream. His brow furrowed as he stared at the screen, suddenly feeling a wave of nerves he wasn’t used to. Hundreds of comments began to flow in, and he squinted at them, trying to make sense of the tiny, fast-moving text.
“Alright, uh…” he began, his voice low and gruff, though he kept his volume low to avoid waking you. He fumbled for a moment, adjusting the angle so more of his face was visible, along with a glimpse of your peaceful form. “So, yeah… I’m not sure exactly how this works, but I think I’m doing it right. People are watching, right?” He squinted at the screen, realizing there were now thousands of people in the chat.
OMG, is that Logan? Is Y/N asleep?! This is so cute! What’s going on? He’s using her phone?!
“Okay, yeah, I see you guys commenting.” He cleared his throat, glancing down at you to make sure you were still fast asleep. “So… I’m here because there’s been some… well, garbage circulating today about me, and I didn’t want you—any of you—to get the wrong idea.”
He ran a hand over his face, clearly uncomfortable but determined. “Look, I’m not the kind of guy who does this ‘social media’ thing. I leave that up to her because she’s got that… influencer magic touch or whatever.” He let out a small huff, almost laughing at himself. “But there’s one thing I won’t tolerate, and that’s people thinking I’d do anything to hurt her. That’s not happening. Not today, not tomorrow. Not ever.”
The comments poured in, filled with everything from declarations of support to playful teasing:
Protective Logan is everything. Never thought I’d see this man on IG live. Logan is going OFF and I’m here for it. Who else is already recording this?
Logan sighed, glancing down at you with an unmistakable softness in his gaze. “She’s everything to me,” he said, his voice dropping to a gentle murmur. “I know you all see us together on red carpets or in the news or whatever, but what you don’t see is this.” He adjusted the phone so it framed you perfectly, curled up in his arms, the corners of your lips turned up in a peaceful smile. “This is her. My girl. She’s got the softest heart in the world, and today… today she was hurting because of something stupid. Something that never even happened.”
He paused, as if collecting his thoughts, then let out a breath. “People are saying I’m seeing someone else. They got pictures of me going into some hotel, and yeah, I was there, but it was for a meeting with my boss. That’s it.” He emphasized the words, his eyes narrowing as if daring anyone watching to argue. “She knows now; I explained it to her, and she trusts me. That’s what matters. But just in case any of you want to keep talking about it… remember this.”
The camera shifted slightly as he moved his hand, gently running his fingers through your hair as he looked down at you. “This is the only place I want to be. Right here, with her.”
The comments exploded.
THIS IS THE CONTENT WE DESERVE Is he really doing this while she’s sleeping? Protect them at all costs, pls. Logan, you absolute legend.
Logan squinted again at the comments, clearly struggling to keep up. “There’s… a lot of words on here,” he muttered, looking slightly flustered. “Not sure I get how you guys read all this so fast. Anyway, I just wanted to set the record straight. I’m not seeing anyone else, I’m not cheating on her, and honestly, if you keep saying it… well, I’m not gonna be happy about it. And you don’t want to see me unhappy.”
There was a beat of silence as he scratched his head, visibly uncomfortable but pushing through, clearly determined to make his point. “Look, I don’t care about fame, or fans, or what any of you say about me. I’m here for her. I want to protect her, to take care of her. If any of you really care about her too, then… then don’t buy into this nonsense. Don’t let them tear us apart with stupid rumors.”
Another wave of comments flooded in, and he leaned forward, trying to read a few.
Can we talk about how soft he looks rn? Why is this the cutest thing ever? Logan’s angry rants are kinda romantic?!
“Yeah, yeah, I see some of you making jokes,” he grumbled, though his lips twitched as he read the reactions. “Think I’m soft, huh? Well, maybe I am—maybe I am a little bit soft when it comes to her.” He looked down at you, his features softening again. “She deserves it. She deserves everything.”
He paused, scratching his head again, then sighed in defeat. “Alright, how do I turn this thing off? Seriously, does anyone know?” He squinted at the screen, tapping at random buttons and muttering to himself. “I swear, I’m gonna break this thing if it doesn’t—”
The comments came to his rescue:
Top right, Logan! Hit the ‘X’! Someone help this man before he deletes her whole profile.
“Right, thanks,” he grumbled, following the instructions. “And if any of you save this video or… or make this into some kind of meme, I’m gonna find out. Got it?”
With one final glance at you, Logan ended the livestream, letting out a long exhale as he set the phone down. He looked down at you, his heart swelling with relief and affection as he watched you sleep peacefully, blissfully unaware of the emotional monologue he’d just delivered to thousands of fans.
Unbeknownst to him, the livestream was already gaining traction, clips of his soft, protective words flooding the internet. By morning, #LoganProtectsY/N and #SoftLogan were trending, with fans dissecting every second of his heartfelt speech. They praised his loyalty, laughed at his awkward attempts at using Instagram, and swooned over the way he’d looked at you, sleeping in his arms.
But for Logan, all that mattered was knowing that he’d done everything he could to protect you. He’d cleared the air, shut down the rumors, and, hopefully, sent a message to anyone who dared question his commitment.
When you woke up hours later, snuggled in his arms, you had no idea of the viral sensation that had taken place while you slept. Logan greeted you with a quiet kiss, a content smile on his face as if nothing had happened.
It wasn’t until you reached for your phone and saw the thousands of notifications, trending hashtags, and tags of Logan’s accidental “love confession” that you looked up at him, wide-eyed and stunned.
“Logan… what did you do?” you asked, a mix of amusement and surprise in your voice.
He simply shrugged, his expression calm as he held you close. “Just told them the truth.”
It didn’t take long for Logan’s unexpected livestream to become a global sensation. In the days following, clips of his heartfelt speech continued to circulate, with fans clamoring for more of his accidental charm. The two of you were trending for days, fans flooding the comments with supportive messages, heart emojis, and endless excitement over Logan’s protectiveness and gruff sweetness. You couldn’t resist laughing when you saw the #SoftLogan hashtag popping up alongside video edits and reaction memes. And as soon as you showed Logan, his eyes rolled, but his cheeks flushed, a telltale sign that he secretly loved it.
So, when the holiday season rolled around and you suggested going live together—on purpose this time—Logan didn’t put up much of a fight. A Christmas-themed livestream, with baking and festive lights? He pretended to be indifferent, but you could tell he was secretly looking forward to it. The idea of spending the holidays together was already a dream, and now, getting to share a cozy, lighthearted moment with fans made it even better.
And so, a few days before Christmas, the two of you set up in your kitchen. The decorations were up, twinkling lights wrapping around the windows and mistletoe hung strategically above you—an idea Logan had teased you about at first but eventually grew fond of himself. The flour, sugar, butter, and other baking ingredients were all lined up on the counter as you set up your phone on a tripod.
You hit the Go Live button and waited as viewers began flooding in, the comments coming in almost immediately.
OMG they’re back together in a live! Are we getting a SoftLogan Christmas special?! Y/N, girl, blink twice if you’re safe with Logan in the kitchen! Does Logan even know how to bake?!
You glanced over at Logan, who was already eyeing the ingredients with a mix of curiosity and mild apprehension. “Alright, everyone,” you began with a grin, addressing the growing audience. “We’re going to attempt to bake Christmas cookies today. And by ‘attempt,’ I mean Logan has promised to help, even though he has very limited experience in the kitchen.”
“Limited?” Logan scoffed, folding his arms and raising an eyebrow at you. “I’m not that bad.”
“You burn toast,” you shot back, laughing. “So, yes, we’re going to attempt baking Christmas cookies, and I can already tell this is going to be… interesting.”
The comments were rolling in faster than you could read them:
Logan is definitely the guy who thinks ‘preheating’ is optional. We love to see Y/N dragging him; the dynamic is everything! CAN WE PLEASE SEE LOGAN IN A SANTA APRON?!
You grinned at the last comment and nudged Logan. “The fans want to know if you’re willing to wear the Santa apron.”
Logan rolled his eyes, but you noticed the small smile on his lips. “No way am I wearing an apron with Santa on it,” he protested, but he reached for it, putting it on with exaggerated reluctance. “Only because it’s Christmas,” he muttered, the red apron looking unexpectedly charming on him.
As you got started, Logan reached for the flour, spilling an unnecessary amount onto the counter in his attempt to pour it into the mixing bowl. You couldn’t hold back your laugh as you tried to rein in his enthusiasm.
“Logan! We only need a cup of flour, not the entire bag,” you teased, wiping some of the flour off the counter.
He shrugged, a mischievous glint in his eye. “Can’t make cookies without flour. I’m just… being thorough.”
You shook your head, adjusting the camera slightly to catch both of you as you attempted to salvage the flour situation. Your fans were in hysterics in the comments:
We love a man who’s thorough, Y/N! Does Logan think flour is the only ingredient?! Imagine calling this thoroughness ‘baking skills.’
“Next is sugar,” you continued, holding the measuring cup out. “And we need half a cup, half, Logan. Not ‘one heaping mountain,’ just half.”
He gave you a look of pure innocence, his hand hovering over the sugar as he tried to pour it carefully. But his definition of “half” was still far more than necessary, and you bit back laughter, shaking your head. “We’re making cookies, not cement, Logan!”
Logan chuckled, a soft laugh that brought a twinkle to his eye. “Look, this is harder than it looks, alright? You just tell me what to do, and I’ll follow.”
You shot him a skeptical look but continued with the instructions, going step-by-step as he did his best to keep up. Between his overly generous measurements and your frequent corrections, the kitchen was quickly filled with laughter and playful banter.
When it came time to roll out the dough, Logan took the rolling pin in his hands, looking at it like it was an alien object. “How hard can this be?” he muttered, pressing down on the dough with way too much force, causing it to stick to the counter and flatten beyond recognition.
“Logan!” you cried out, laughing so hard your stomach hurt. “You’re supposed to be gentle with it, like… like when you’re putting your arm around me or something.”
“Oh, like that,” he said, his tone teasing. He softened his touch, rolling the dough more delicately, though it was still sticking in awkward patches. You tried to help him, guiding his hands, and by the end, the two of you were a flour-covered, laughing mess.
“Okay, now we’re going to use these cookie cutters,” you said, holding up a few shapes: a snowman, a reindeer, and a Christmas tree. “Pick your favorite.”
“Easy.” Logan grabbed the reindeer cutter, pressing it into the dough and proudly holding it up. “Reindeer cookies it is.”
The two of you cut out the rest of the shapes, arranging them on the baking sheet and finally putting them in the oven. As the cookies baked, you read through more fan comments, laughing with Logan at the endless string of humorous observations and questions.
Please tell me Logan won’t be in charge of frosting. This man is dangerously close to ruining Christmas cookies. But seriously, they look so cute together. I’m calling it now: Logan doesn’t even know how to use an oven timer.
Logan furrowed his brows at the last comment. “Wait, we need a timer?”
“Logan!” You let out a laugh, immediately setting the timer yourself. “Yes, we need a timer. Otherwise, we’ll just have burnt reindeer shapes instead of cookies.”
When the timer finally went off, you took the cookies out, laughing together over the misshapen but somehow adorable treats. The two of you set about decorating, Logan’s hands steady but not quite precise as he attempted to pipe frosting on a reindeer. The result was… less than impressive, and you both burst out laughing at his attempt.
“Alright, alright,” he muttered, trying to hide his embarrassment as the fans commented enthusiastically.
Logan’s reindeer is questionable, but we stan his effort. I’d still eat it! Best rom-com scene ever.
Finally, with the cookies decorated, you turned back to the camera, holding up a plate of your (very creatively decorated) creations. “Well, here you have it, folks. Our version of Christmas cookies! We may not be experts, but we had fun, right, Logan?”
“More fun than I expected,” he admitted, his gaze softening as he looked at you. “Thanks for making me do this.”
You smiled up at him, and for a moment, you forgot all about the livestream. That was, until the comments started rolling in faster than ever:
OMG did he just look at her like that?! THE SOFT LOOK, I CAN’T. Guys, please tell me you saw that too. He’s going to propose. He has to.
Logan read the comments, his face shifting to something both nervous and determined. He glanced at you, taking a deep breath as he reached into his pocket, fingers grazing over something small and shiny. You looked at him, curious, as he took your hands in his.
“Y/N,” he began, his voice suddenly a little rough. “These last few months… they’ve been everything to me. I didn’t think I’d ever be the guy doing Christmas cookie livestreams or… any of this social media stuff. But I’d do it every day for you.”
Your heart was pounding as he knelt down on one knee, pulling a ring box from his pocket and opening it to reveal a beautiful, sparkling ring.
The comments erupted into chaos, but you barely noticed, your focus entirely on him as he held your gaze.
“I don’t know if this is the way you imagined it, but…” he smiled, that soft smile that had become your favorite. “Will you marry me?”
Tears filled your eyes as you nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. You threw your arms around him, laughing through the tears as you whispered a quiet, “Yes.”
The fans went wild, and Logan chuckled, holding you close as you realized that the whole world had just witnessed your engagement. But in that moment, nothing else mattered. You were in his arms, right where you belonged. And as he slipped the ring onto your finger, both of you covered in flour and frosting, you couldn’t have imagined a more perfect, hilariously romantic proposal.
The comments from fans cheering and congratulating the two of you were endless, but Logan just looked at you, a gentle pride in his eyes as he whispered, “Merry Christmas, love.”
it's November so it's basically Christmas I don't make the rules I'm sorry, maybe at December I could start a new game where you can request any type of fanfics set in Christmas? Or something like that? let me know in the comments If you have other ideas! <3
if you liked the story don't forget to like, reblog and drop a follow if you want to read more!
#amethyst arachnid#comics#marvel#marvel fanfiction#marvel x reader#movies#gaming#x reader#logan howlet x reader#logan howlett#logan wolverine#james howlett#logan x reader#wolverine#james logan howlett#logan 2017#logan howlet smut#wolverine x reader#wolverine smut#the wolverine#wolverine x you#wolverine fanfiction#logan james howlett#wolverine xmen#alternative universe#alternate universe#hugh jackman#hugh jackman x reader#hugh jackman x y/n#hugh jackman x you
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Okay you want a concept, and I need to share this idea I had a few months ago. Basically I was trying on some new panties and being amazed at how soft and comfortable and pretty they were and my mind went : Jisung would DEFINITELY try lingerie on for sexy reasons but then he would try these and be like “okay the soft life chose me”. And just imagine you and him with matching soft panties, matching grey sweatpants, matching everything cuddling close and drinking tea and being happy. That’s my idea I needed to share.
I should have waited to write this, I did it while I was super tired and I also fell asleep in the process 😭 I could do better, that's for sure, but baby, I think about Jiji in lingerie more than anyone could ever imagine. that is for sure.
"Ji? What are you doing?"
Jisung freezes. He didn't expect for you to be home so... early. And now he feels so embarassed that he can't turn his head to look at you in the eyes. His puffy cheeks tint of the colour of freshly bloomed roses, while his hands tremble a bit, like the leaves outside being carried on the sidewalk by the cool breeze. His eyes are wide open for a second, and then they squeeze shut, wrinkles forming between his eyebrows, nose crunching as his teeth catch his bottom lip.
Will you think differently of him now? You do like his feminine side but... seeing your boyfriend wearing women's underwear might not be the best, especially if he's home alone, smiling at himself while posing. But then he suddenly feels the soft touch of your hand on his arm, caressing it from shoulder to wrist with your fingers, more softly than you ever did. He flinches in surprise, jumping a bit foward, before seeing your endeared look.
"You look so pretty..." the sentence just stumbles out of your mouth. You look so soft saying it, so convincing. He was at the store to buy you some pretty lingerie, but then he remembered a video you sent him saying you wanted to try and replicate it and well, the guy was wearing panties and stockings. The thought wouldn't leave his head. And it wasn't like he never wondered what it felt to wear your things, looking at you change so often. He knew you meant you wanted to try the position, but...
"Yes? Really?" he asks, under a breath, almost hoping you would say that. The fabric feels too soft, too comfortable compared to the one of his boxers. The frilly details on the elastic band are endearing and fun to look at, they make him feel tingly inside his chest. Do all girls feel prettier when wearing nice underwear? For a moment, he thinks about all the cute bras you have in your drawer.
"These suit you a lot." you purr into his ear, the corners of your lips lifted so that he sees your bright smile in the reflection of the mirror. The fingers of your other hand take the hem of the skimpy panties and play with it a little, as you leave a kiss on his nape, giggling when he squirms from the teasing touches.
He truly, really looks like a dream. The panties are white and definitely not the right size, hugging his every curve deliciously, but still looking soft on him. A little pink bow sits on the front, adding the last touch that makes you swoon. Jisung feels your arms enveloping him, hugging him from the back.
"You're not mad?" he's still unsure, still in disbelief. But the cotton feels amazing on his sensitive skin, and a little stain appears slightly on the right. He can't help it.
But then you don't reply. You just detach from him, and put down your bag on the floor. Then you let your jacket slide down your body. Jisung looks as you throw your sweater away, and in the end, just at the end, your pants. His eyes widen and his hands close in tight fists.
The mirror now reflects two pairs of white panties, with a frilly end and a pink bow carefully ebroidered at the front. Jisung can't help but grab you and take you closer, chest against chest, as he feels the delicate fabric between in his palms. You too, feel his sides under your hands, and the air becomes hot, and the kiss you share is electrical and exciting.
"What do you think about these?" you hold the black pair with the red details in front of your face, and Jisung immediately shoves them down and looks around, blushing like crazy.
"Baby please lower your voice!" he whisper-screams, covering his face with his hands, as desperate as a cartoon character. But you can't help the laugh that you let out, making an old lady look at you two.
"No one will ever know, I promise! You're just my boyfriend helping me pick up innerwear!" you kiss his cheek, the little part that's not hidden.
He suddenly looks around all over again, but the lady is no longer reserving her attention to you two, so he pouts and whines. "Won't the cashier find it suspicious that you're buying two different sizes?!" You keep looking around the thin decorated fabric, also searching for whole sets. The little store's shop bag is already full, but the image of Jisung wearing all the lingerie you touch is like a dream come true.
"I promise you that they don't care, baby." your smile is sickenly sweet, and that makes him huff. "Promise!" you add once again, making him sigh.
You've been kissing for a while now. You can usually sit together and actually listen to the documentary, but today you're a bit more cozy at your place. The new brand of tea you two decided to try turned out to be the best you have ever bought, the blankets were fresh out of the drier, especially fluffy, emanating a sweet scent of cardamom. And the cuddling became quite handsy. And you found yourself straddling Jisung, making out on the couch after licking away the crumbs of the last biscuit from his lips.
When you lower the zip of his jacket and let your hands wander under his sweatpants, meeting the familiar fabric of the panties you bought for him a soft moan escapes you. Jisung smiles. He smiles widely.
"These are the light blue ones... what are you wearing today, my baby?
#han jisung fanfic#han jisung x reader#han jisung imagines#han jisung smut#skz fanfic#skz drabbles#skz x reader#skz smut#skz imagines#han x female reader#skz x female reader#han jisung x female reader
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Halloween Special, Current Projects, New Patreon Content
I am so sorry about the radio silence as of late. Between the stuff earlier this week (yes, that stuff), dealing with deaths of people, and university; I've been very busy and mentally drained. However, the good news is, you can play the mini game of The Bureau, "Witchy Woman" right now! The link is at the bottom of this post! Eventually I'll integrate it into the main game, or put it out as potential free DLC or something, but for now there are no stats and it's not tied to choices from the base game.
Tonight is a special case. The MCT has been called in as a favor after finishing up our most recent case. A friend of Kris's reached out, and the local P.D. has let the MCT take the lead on this one. A house party in the beginning of October up in Maine has turned sour. A party-goer has been reported deceased.
We just finished a job, but in this line of work, there's always another case to solve. So here I am, approaching the residence with my team, about to find out exactly what happened on this cold, damp night.
Because it's not part of a bigger game or story, and the only pacing I had to worry about was that of the investigation, this is much more freeflow than other investigations in the main story. Go back and forth between the crime scene, the perimeter of the house, interrogations, and more! The more you discover evidence, the more new options will unlock in conversations, and you have an evidence log in the stats section that updates every time you find out something relevant to the case.
I'm only promoting this now, even though it's been done for a couple of weeks, because it was part of a Jam and I didn't think it would be fair if I got votes from a community built over a few years when others in the Jam would not have had that same benefit. I wanted it to be an even playing field, even if it meant holding out for a bit. So, I apologize for making you all wait.
There are still things I'd like to do for this game, things I'll end up adding, but it is at the very least ready to play. It's 40k words, so have at it!
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Right, next up, something I'd like to announce. I'm working on a serialized fiction that I'm (hopefully) planning to turn into a book. The first 3 chapters are going to be posted for free, both here on my blog and on my Patreon, though not quite yet. Chapters after that will be released on Patreon for the people who pay the $5 tier.
I'll be honest, it has been extremely cathartic to go from writing an IF where the chapters are all pretty much the length of a book themselves, to writing an actual book where a chapter is about 4k words. It's a very nice breath of fresh air, and it by no means, entails that I will stop working on Bureau. In fact, it may even help speed up rate of production, funnily enough. Having something to keep my mind turning while having writer's block about a scene in the IF will help me constantly generate ideas, and that's really nice to think about.
A small college town is rocked by a horrific murder. In wake of the events, a couple of friends begin investigating this personal tragedy, determined to get to the bottom of what happened at the Scribe City college. The lesson is quickly thrust upon them that loss leads to pain, but pain is temporary, and loss can be forever. So what comes after the pain? They need to explore that journey together, and in the process, navigate the complicated things feelings that have started to bloom.
The book (serialized fiction for now) , called Love In Stasis, is going to be a 'WLW romance small town college murder mystery'. You will explore the relationships that these characters have and continue to form, and just how messy things get when tragedy sparks love. I have almost 25k words done for it, about six and a half chapters, and I'm going to try to get 50k words done with it by the end of the month. A writing challenge that's totally not tied to the name of any organizations.
If this works out, I could reward patrons with static fiction while not having to worry about providing everyone with constant things tied to the IF itself, and I could work on The Bureau at a pace I'm very comfortable with.
I'm still learning as a writer. I'm still learning new things I like, and how I like to produce content. All I know is that I like producing art in the form of writing, and I most certainly will not stop doing that anytime soon, and now that the Halloween Special is done, I will be getting back to the base game.
Which will start with a complete recoding of the gender variables. I've already started on that process, so no more multiple versions of each chapter. One version. One set of gender variables. Much more condensed coding and script. So, people out there who said that wasn't going to change, I just have to say what I'd said all along. My coding was indeed bad. However I will also say something else I've said all along. I do take criticism.
That being said I'm never using multi-replace and you can't make me. I like being able to read what I'm writing.
More to come in the near future.
Stay Brilliant,
-Vi
https://cogdemos.ink/play/viisbae/the-bureau-halloween-special-witchy-woman
Patreon Link
#interactive fiction#the bureau#writing#interactive novel#wip#work in progress#original story#choicescript#reading#serialized fiction#serialized novel#book#books and reading#books#Love In Stasis#Halloween Jam#Game Jam#game development#indie game#indiedev
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Hi, happy 20th birthday. I hope you spent your birthday in good company. And how will yandere react to darling, who has a disease called "Anhidrosis", and he does not feel pain in principle, because of which he acts recklessly and silently strives for death in the hope of feeling at least some pain. And when he finds the most painful way to die, he is sincerely happy. He studies the concept of pain and death and strives to feel it. And honestly says that he is ready to give his life just to feel at least something. (google translator)
Anhidrosis(lack of sweat)confused me for a second but that was Google Translate's fault.
A darling with anhydrosis. And wants nothing more than to experience it, and wants to die a painful death….
This is a half imagine because I'm probably adding another part to this. A smut one.
CW: Dead Dove: Do not Eat if you are triggered by self-harm, voluntary FGM(a mention nothing graphic) or suicide, don't read. I might be breaking my own rules but this idea was very interesting.
At age three you realized that you could never feel pain.
You'd badly skinned your knee, gained from a nasty slip and fall of the swing set, but after you'd fallen all you did was sit and stare at the blood dripping from your knee.
You remember poking it, and feeling only the warm blood stick to your skin, and nothing else. So you kept playing, not caring about the blood running down your legs.
It was only after someone noticed did you realize how bad your injury was. At first, everyone thought you just had a high pain tolerance, or were just being a brave kid. Which you wore with a badge of honor.
But when everyone can experience something you can't, you start to wonder.
What was it like? Would it be good or bad?
You had to find out.
So you started to get hurt on purpose. Jumping from higher ledges, ‘slipping��� down stairs, poking yourself with sewing needles and cutting yourself with scissors.
You did whatever you could to feel pain, but when you got cuts and bruises you didn't get any new feelings.There was no tears, or crying , or the need to complain about how much it hurt.
And you hated it. Every failed attempt drove you to do more harm to yourself, placing your palms into fire, riding bikes super fast without protective gear and crashing, provoking dogs so they would bite you, but..
You never felt pain. You couldn't feel pain.
At first, the people around you thought your acts of self harm were attention seeking, but after you purposely beat your arm with a hammer till your fingers went numb, you were forced to go to a doctor and you got diagnosed.
You were sick, yeah mentally, but physically you were unable to register pain no matter how hard you tried.
And that made you depressed knowing that this foreign sensation was barred from you forever. So you harmed even more. Cutting yourself with blunt knives, pressing hot irons to your skin,every twisted thought you could come up with.
But after your diagnosis, your life was spent being coddled. Knives and tools locked in drawers. The house you-proofed. Teachers and friends made to watch you constantly.
You could never get the opportunity to hurt yourself, and that made you want to die even more. All you wanted was to feel what pain was, and now you couldn't do that either. Your desperation to feed that addiction got worse and worse, it became all you thought about, finding that pain, that total, consuming, and endless pain.
You lost whatever survival instinct was stopping you, and you began to harm with intent to kill. To die. You researched your methods thoroughly, got thrown into a psych ward for your troubles. But regardless, you preserved, learning how to attack the spots that cause the most debilitating pain.
Still nothing.
But you kept pushing, kept planning. Scars cover you now. Everywhere in every place, even what would have been your most delicate and sensitive regions….thought they were hardly sensitive given your attempts.
All you wanted….was to die. Slowly, miserably and as painfully as possible
But then a wrench came into your plans, a carriage to a whole new world. You were a little excited to wake up in a place that was outside the laws of your normal boring society, one that worked completely different, on the jaws of what one person calls crazy, but hey, you weren’t any saner.
Where love is obsessive and smothering, and murder is allowed within Sage Island’s borders.
But you were a darling. And people like you don’t get to be seen as anything more than delicate. You managed to hide it the best you could, not wanting to repeat a life of over-protection and smothering, bu you got caught.
It was an accident really, you forgot to lock the door to your bathroom, and Ace and Deuce found you while looking for you. You were halfway through your bi-weekly cutting when they found you.
They freaked out and the rumors flew fast. Soon everyone knew.
And they all freaked out.
Spells of protection to keep you from hurting yourself, potions keeping you too sedated to think straight. Malleus even put you into a dream world again to prevent you from harming and killing yourself, but you still tried in your dreams.
You started to hate them.
They were no better than the people back home like you were a porcelain doll on a shelf. If you were a doll, you wanted to shatter into pieces so small that you could never be put back together. Wouldn’t that be nice, being broken so badly and so painfully living would be impossible. But they would just lock you up in a padded cell and leave you there to ‘love’ you.
You only wanted ‘love’ if it was torture. Agony. A pain to breathe and to exist where a painful death is the happily ever after.
But two of them loved you the way you wanted, like you were something to break.
The Leech Twins.
The way they loved you was torture. And you loved it.
Floyd, the outwardly violent one, had squeezed you so tightly before that he broke your ribs. You loved watching him attack other students and the bloody messes that would be left when he was done excited you. You treasured the messy, jagged bites he’d give, grateful that he wouldn’t treat you like you were precious. You loved him angry, and the way he hurt you when he was.
And then there was Jade. If Floyd was violent, Jade was completely sadistic. And you loved that too. The complete nonchalance and calm that he’d normally show, mixing with the mirth in his eyes when he poisoned you and watched what it did to you. You didn’t feel anything new, but the way you writhed made you feel the closest to that sensation that you’d craved all your life.
Those two were capable of destroying you and in the Coral Sea they could get away with it.
You would despise being controlled and coddled by the others, but you’d love being finally breaking past that barrier to pain with one, or both you’re not picky, of those two. After all, they were the only ones that could do it.
Besides, life and love weren't a fairy tale. It's ending is death. For you, and it's a happy, painful one.
#ask#minors dni#yandere#tw self destruction#tw sui implied#yandereverse au#yandere twisted wonderland#i love asks
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I need to write this somewhere. I need to break through the wall of numbness that has shuttered down on top of my feelings. Maybe if I make myself feel and cry I'll get some relief.
I'm so afraid, underneath the numbness. I'm afraid for my friends. I'm afraid for my family. I'm afraid for people I don't know. I worry that I'll wake up tomorrow to reports of a higher number of suicides. I worry that people like my friends, my friends, or even people like me, will be attacked by those who will be emboldened by these results.
I worry, I worry.
I don't understand the people who could make this happen - I don't understand why they work on such diametrically opposite values to mine. It feels like they want the world to be miserable, like the idea that things can get better is offensive to them.
I know that's generally not true. There are people who believe that the world and life is miserable for those who deserve it. But my impression is that the people making the choices fucking us up think it's a zero sum game. That there is a us versus them. And they don't realize we are all us, all of us humans, all of us people, all of us life on this small planet Earth.
I don't know. I'll get up. I'll keep getting up and keep fighting and keep mourning and keep remembrance and keep trying. I'll keep hope.
But today, I'm only mourning, somewhere inside, where the numbness doesn't react.
I haven't heard a peep from my parents, or my brother, about the depressing news. We're all stewing in our emotions, I think, unable to voice out loud the fear we are feeling.
I don't know. My other country is also in shambles and going through upheaval. It seems every country is unstable and losing to nefarious forces.
I don't really feel hate right now. Some anger, yes. But mostly, I'm just a loss for words and feelings. Maybe I'll feel hate tomorrow, maybe this is the time I'll feel spite fueling me.
But in the meantime, I'll remember to be kind, and to be conscious of my impact, and to try and help others.
But I've also lost my patience. I've lost respect for so many people. I feel contempt. How could they do this to us? How could they do this to themselves?
I don't know. I don't understand.
I love you, friends. I love you, stranger on the internet who is trying to make the world better, one step at a time. Maybe in time I will love someone who hurt me, but I don't owe it to them. I don't owe them anything but the exact same minimum afforded to other people.
This reminds me of the time my cousin killed himself, in a way. Or at least, the fear that people out there are taking their lives does. I remember the heavy grief, and the way it solved nothing. I remember the hollowness. I remember the anger.
Don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to others. Don't give them an inch. If you'll die, make them work for it.
I'm rambling at this point, which was the point of this post. I don't have the energy to do anything today. But I'll pick myself up slowly, piece by piece... and make my way forward. Adding my grain of sand to the mountain of progress and help.
It's not the end. It's not the end of the world. This will not last. This too, shall pass.
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Figured it’d be a good idea to tell y’all what aus I’ve got, y’know, cuz I forgot to mention some and I just really like rambling:
The Sunset and Moonlight Show//The Moon and Sun Show; swap au, Sun and Moon are the main characters
Quiet Throes; Bloodmoon suffers, a lot, but they get a family in the end
Get in Losers, We’re Family Now; everyone lives, nobody dies, they’re all part of the family, every time I revise something I somehow end up adding more people to the family please send help
Everyone is Alive, What the Fu— (The Virus, the Cheeto, and the One Person They Have in Common); thanks to Ruin every version of everyone who had ever been is alive all at once, Sun is the only one with no duplicates
Sprout and Blood Adventures; Bloodmoon and Jack become besties post-April 14th, shenanigans and angst ensue
This is What You Wanted (Now Live With It); Bloodmoon asks to get their bloodthirst programming removed but something goes wrong in the process, leaving them with no memories
Miscellaneous magical girl au; characters are magical girls, there’s character backstories but not much plot besides that
The Sun and Moon Tales; fantasy au, a lot of magic involved, technically Sun and Moon are the main characters but I literally only ever draw Bloodmoon
The Family Behind the Camera; actor//youtuber au, Lunar and Eclipse make a side channel where they upload the bloopers that come from the main channel, very wacky hijinks ensue
Ocean Currents; set in a world where there’s even more water in the world, mermaids are often revered as Demi gods, Gods exist, and so do pirates, Lunar, Solar, and Bloodmoon are the main characters
God of Doom; Crossover au (SAMS and Kirby) Morpho Knight visits the SAMS dimension and takes the second BM twin’s soul, it also tries to kill Monty as the twin’s last wish but that doesn’t go well
Undertale au I’ve yet to name; Crossover au, SAMS characters as Undertale characters
Musical AU Crossover au; Crossover au (RTC and my SAMS aus), my au guys take the places of the choir
Horror Attendants; swap au, Eclipse and Bloodmoon run a horror attraction in the PizzaPlex, unfortunately the world hates them
Withered Hopes; fell au, a dimension that almost got wiped due to canon Ruin’s shtick but was saved at the last minute by the new star holder, very post apocalyptic vibes but there’s themes of hope and seeing the beauty in life, yes everyone has black in their color palette
Yet to be named au 3//Overlord Bloodmoon; Bloodmoon becomes the dimension’s star holder, surprisingly enough they don’t completely destroy the world
Bloody Brotherhood; Ruin skips a couple steps on its plan and tells Bloodmoon that’s it’s going to destroy the Creators, Bloodmoon is chill with it, they become an actual family
The Chaos House; all the Bloodmoons from all the aus above are stuffed together in a house @thebloodmoon-chaos-house (is me :D)
Sunrise Arc Theatre; musical and actor au for ‘The Sunset and Moonlight Show’ and ‘Get in Losers’, mostly ‘Get in Losers’, there’s a lot of characters here
Multiversal Connections; canon to the Chaos House, my au guys get to know one another because dimensional travel, mostly ‘Get in Losers’, ‘Moon and Sun Show’, ‘Horror Attendants’, ‘Quiet Throes’, and the local star holders (WH!Eclipse, O!BM, Dusk, Dawn)
Animal Rescue City; everyone is either human or an animal, all aus are here somehow, animal rescue and care are a big part of the local community, I am not joking when I say all aus are here
And that’s it! I think
Hey guys!
So you know how I have lots of aus and stuff? Y’know, my swap au, the Bloodmoon suffers one, the one where every single version of everyone is alive at once, yt, the one where everyone is family, the fell au, amnesiac Bloodmoon, the ocean one, the weird swap one, sunrise arc theatre, animal rescue city, the chaos house, mutiversal connections and so?
Ask away
Anything
Nothing is out of limits
You want to know what happens, ask
Go wild
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JATP fic ideas that live rent-free in my head
A compilation post to keep track of all the jatp stories that I will never write ...
Stuff I've actually written
Juke:
Juke Kitchen
Alone Together
Strumming the Soul
Beautiful
Heartbeat
Willex:
Hotdog and Cold dog
Cross my heart and hope to die (again)
A night to remember:
Just one more night (Luke)
Tomorrow (Reggie)
Ghostwriter:
Snippet 1
Snippet 2
Snippet 3
Hamster!Luke
Doodle
Canon-Compliant (kinda)
The inevitabilities of (after)life
(Boys coming back to life but without memories - Juke)
After their performance at The Orpheum, the guys suddenly start seeing a magical light, and they figure it's time to cross over. Before they leave, however, Julie and Luke accidentally seal a magical pact with unfathomable consequences. (And they kiss.) And then the boys are gone.
However, a year later, just after coming to terms with the guys' departure, Julie's world is turned upside-down (again) when a very alive Luke suddenly reenters her life. And it's not just him -- Alex and Reggie are back too. But to Julie's horror and agony, all three have lost their memories. (And not just them. With the exception of Bobby, nobody remembers them.)
And so, Julie has to make a decision: Fight to unseal their memories or let them live their new-found lives without her?
It's an easy choice, really. Plus, she has to make her resurrected Phantoms stay alive. Because there's a series of uncanny and nearly fatal accidents that always involve her boys and, weirdly, Nick.
(There are 1.75 chapters of this on my PC.)
Ghost license
(inspired by the movie "Hui Buh" - no focus on romance)
The boys get tasked to obtain a ghost license for the Molina house. Otherwise, they have to leave the place and become wayward ghosts (and have to return to Caleb.) And thus, the Phantoms are forced to attend a school for ghosts -- exams included.
Random character stuff:
Julie's doodling
Luke's room
AUs
Songwriting Journal of Fate
(A Kimi no Na Wa AU - Juke)
Part I
Part II
Part III
Snippet 1
Snippet 2
Show me how to be whole again
An arranged marriage/enemies-to-reluctant-allies-to-friends-to-lovers Juke AU
Plot
BAM! I'm actually writing this one.
AO3 Link
Image Board
Sweet Home Alabama AU
Yet another enemies-to-friends-to-almost-lovers-to-enemies-to-friends&lovers Juke AU.
Teaser
First & Last Scene
"Life with Derek"-inspired AU
Teaser/Prologue
Rivers of London AU
Julie, a witch in training, and Luke, a ghost
Snippet 1
Snippet 2
Snippet 3
Phantom Thieves
(A Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne AU (without the religious stuff) - Juke)
Julie makes a deal with Caleb: She helps him collect/steal possessed artifacts, and in exchange, he'll grant her a chance to talk to her mom again.
At first, it goes pretty well. She steals the objects and hands them over to Caleb. But soon, she gets a rival. Another thief shows up, who is way too cheeky and attractive, and he starts snatching those items Julie is supposed to steal from under her nose. Julie is not amused by his attitude, and Caleb tells her that he probably wants to use these magical items for evil.
At the same time, Julie makes acquaintance with three guys who just transferred to her school, and she may or may not develop a crush on one of them. (And Julie can't help but see certain similarities between Luke and her new-found thievish rival ... but surely that's just a coincidence, right?)
Mind the Gap
(A Neverwhere AU - Willex & (minor) Juke)
Alex lives a pretty normal life. Sure, after he came out to his parents, he's become an outcast. But he's willing to put up with this shit anyway. (What are the alternatives?)
Then he encounters Willie, an extremely weird but also handsome guy who tells him that he is being hunted. Confused, Alex helps him hide. The next day, Willie is gone, and suddenly his life seems to vanish. His parents, his peers -- everyone seems to forget that he exists.
Determined to set things right, Alex sets out to find Willie, hoping that he (or the person he's running away from) has the power to give him his life back. He enters the World Below -- the place where all the people who've all fallen through the cracks stand. However, as he keeps gathering a group of unlikely and way too cheerful acquaintances who quickly become his friends (and more), he starts questioning his desire to return to the normal world.
#memory-altering stories are just my thing huh?#my fic ideas#jatp#new ideas will be added every now and then
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Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.
The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.
"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."
And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.
Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.
That person was a child.
I was a child.
It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.
I'm not ashamed.
I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.
I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.
If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.
#started anti depressants recently. kinda had an epiphany. i can't hate who i was. if i met me now i wouldn't blame that tiny child#for their rancid beliefs or for being dragged to protests. because thats a CHILD. i HAVE met kids in that position and i feel nothing but#pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard?#i could not have known what i know now at 6 or 8 or 10. the same way that i could not have written a college level essay at that age#but i did what i could. in my own 8 y/o way. i believed in love and humanity and happiness. i was just misguided in the 'hows' of it all#and i am so so so so so proud. of every single microscopic step that i took. every question i asked. every thought that i hid and protected#and pondered secretly at night until new ideas and doubts bloomed like a dandelion through the pavement#and I'm so proud that i chased that doubt. that i asked why why why why until their ears bled and their voices were raw#until their answers stopped adding up. until i sought knowledge elsewhere with a mind dehydrated and malnourished and begging for knowledge#in any form i could get. i just. if i could hug that kid? if i could right now reach out and give that terrified and lonely child a hug?#i would. a million times over.#anyway sorry for the intense personal rant I'm just going through it rn and I'm like.... actually feeling alright#its wild. did you guys know about this??? anti depressants make you NOT depressed??? shits insane fam#irl#personal
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unspoken dispute to settle
#beedoodles#my ocs#new guy#goopy#its not that new guy wants to obey the law or a liscence it just thinks you are incapable of killing anyone unless#you possess something she found on a sketchy ad hey ordered from YEARS ago. convinced the liscence is out there.#and feels as though the mailman is onto it and Will not deliver it intentionally to foil zer plans#side note new guy also thinks every mailman in the world is the same person and theyre just REALLY good at changing appearances#because xey move around from town to town constantly#they never see the same one#beef from the very beginning .#i imagine little baby guy asking santa for a functional aeroplane and thinking the mailman had intervened in a kindof imaginary scenario#that The Mailman (singular ever changing entity) was at war with Santa and holding gifts hostage#used to be a delivery elf but rebelled and started the world wide postal service in opposition to the Big Jolly Corporation#now dismantling capitalism is a wonderful thing but in a 5 to 8 year olds brain the main focus of the dispute was the bad guy was the one#who made it so Aeroplane present didnt happen#keep in mind this is all imaginary scenario in baby guys head#you know i could embelish on this imaginary scenrio too if i wanted to because you know i love concepts and ideas and my for that fucks goo#as story ideas#you know they DO. im king of the imaginary lanscape of Cartoons and Comics not yet past the fetal stage of rumination#fuck with me#FUCK with me entirely#clenches my fist. looks off into a beautiful sunset. stews about it
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Summary: After getting badly injured, Ingo isn't sure where he keeps waking up. But there is always someone he doesn't recognize, but knows he loves with him. Emmet is equal parts happy and stressed over Ingo's return home.
I'm finally getting this up before I forget again
#submas#subway boss ingo#subway boss emmet#this has been just sitting in my files for months as i picked away at it and then added emmets part and then kept poking at it#then i kept getting new ideas for different things and forgetting that i hadnt uploaded this#and then i couldnt decide on how to format it#and now im just getting it up before i second guess myself again oh my god#anyways theres six chapters cuz fun fact this started as a v loose 5+1 type of format so expect an update every couple days or so#im gonna try to get all the chapters saved as drafts today so I can update it when i have a sec but i also think i may have used my focus#time today just getting that first chapter up so uhh we shall see#anyways#hope you enjoy!
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Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself
#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy#a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE#i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing#and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think#that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it#because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick#i feel underconfident in writing any of them#and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first#started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min#but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast#in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore#and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new#themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter#if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life#and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep#all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters#most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head#and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously#so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use#it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD#to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely#adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12#they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot#if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright#i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't#and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri#and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300#i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot
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Thinking about what happened in the summer
Kids are... Really different when it comes to spending three weeks without their parents
Some start crying near the end of first day
Some start crying after couple of days
And some don't show anything while feeling the same
And being... I think English has a good word for that, let's go with a teacher but mix it with caretaker a little bit
I think seeing a kid cry at the end of that first day finally short circuited my brain, teens are way harder to understand that pre-teens who are literally still kids
They come around after a week, settle down and find new friends and your job stays the same mostly to be the one controlling their behavior
And then you'd have a kid crying again, because they miss home and the only thing you can really do is comfort them that they're not stuck here forever and that time flows so fast they won't notice it
And maybe they didn't. Time really did flew and they were leaving
Parents visited kids sometimes, of course, and it was so scary at first but they were mostly friendly and nice
Maybe because of that group chat that let them see that their kids are fine and are having fun
In the end for kids it was painful at first, but fun in the end. I got hugged more times than I could count when they were all leaving
And then poof
Back to your own life you go, like nothing happened
#not art#irl stuff#some thoughts#Every time I tried mixing my 'usual' behavior with the one I had back in the camp it felt like adding acid into water in the wrong order#Because it didn't feel right and it felt right at the same time#Like I just suddenly got a brand new way of behavior all together and it was so different that I stopped recognizing myself#Literally I'd work all day without much of a thought head full of WHERE EVERYONE IS ARE THEY SAFE??? And then at break near night go 'huh'#And at first I tried desperately to catch the usual behavior and bring it back on the break#And it never led to anything good because I'm supposed to be fully like in daytime 24/7#I did that one sketch of silly guys to just keep at least something in my head aside from being fully aware 24/7 of every passing second#I still don't know if I miss that or not#It felt so nice to not feel like I have no goal in mind anymore#A goal of 'get to the end of this with all of the kids fine and safe' without ever swearing or making them feel threatened was... Exhaustin#I never became some super sweet person to know so I did what I knew best - talked a lot telling about the things they liked#And if a kid is curious being interesting by telling stories that they didn't know about the things they liked is a way to be liked#Most of them probably forgot about me existing there but some probably didn't and would return next year again#Honestly I don't know why I failed so many exams when becoming a teacher is the only thing that makes me truly happy now#And super tired because THAT'S WORK and it's exhausting as hell some kids love to fight and you need all your diplomacy to work with it#Maybe that's just me missing my time with siblings when they were little I didn't get much time being a good elder sibling to them#I can't associate this work with becoming a parent for a month because I'm still not so different from those kids#Like... I've literally have been told by older kids that they mistook me for a teen like them#Excuse you but I'm like 7 years older than that#It was funny tho because I was considered a bit closer to them all instead of being a big bad grown-up#Yet some kids despised me because of that in the first group because welp not being an authority figure sucks#That being my first job sucks even more because I had no idea about the unspoken rules while everyone had aside from me and mom#Second try was way better because I knew exactly what I had to do even if I was terrible at making us participate in dances and songs#Thankfully it started raining and don't you dare let kids get cold from being in the rain at night that's just ridiculous#So it was like we had a slumber party with me letting them watch GF on my laptop and read some comics#It was way better than being forced to look at the other groups winning all over again. Kids disliked losing so many times in a row#And in the end the things we planned weren't exactly enough but when they were kids were happy and I was happy because we put so much effor
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meanwhile the jaubreyverse is abt to start maybe its 4th(?) gen . maybe one day i'll come up w an incarnation of this lot i'm happy w and won't want to change around
#the problem w the jaubreyverse is that i laid the concepts out when i was literally like 12. and while the only true characters were jack#and rose and drafts of erik and kyusong i also had like 50 million other little concepts running around like 'it'd be sick to have this#romance between a ghost girl and a wil o the wisp' and while some of them have proved incredible (ex. LITERALLY JANE WAS A STICKY NOTE IN A#OLD SKETCHBOOK. JANE ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTERS JANE. WAS A STICKY NOTE IN A SKETCHBOOK. IT WASN'T EVEN ABT HER EITHER IT WAS ABT#A MONSTER HUNTER THAT WAS ALSO SECRETLY A WEREWOLF AND I WAS DEADSET ON HOMOSEXUALLY COUPLING UP EVERY CHARACTER TO EVER EXIST AT THE TIME#SO MY IDEA FOR HER GF WAS A VAMPIRE (NEW ORLEANS?) W POLITICAL AMBITIONS . THE WEREWOLF WILL V LIKELY BE CUT BUT JANE? NEVER)#a lot of them have proven useless. hell even rose has no bearings on the current story and is just weighing it down but cutting one of the#original two seems Wrong... anyways the problem w the jaubreyverse is that the me that did all the worldbuilding had an issue w wildly#inflated casts and the me that picked it back up on a whim felt bad abt getting rid of things and then added more to serve an actual plot#purpose bc the majority of these bitches were irrelevant and useless and so now we've reached a point where the cast bloat has reached#terminal stages of 'i don't want to work on this anymore'#romeo.txt
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Ads work! They work incredibly terrifyingly well!
The point is not to get you to click on the link, the point is to get you thinking about it.
No, you’re not going to buy a new dishwasher after you just bought one. No one will click one of the dozen links they spam you with. But after your new dishwasher springs a leak? Then, you’ll remember one of those ads and you’ll check it out.
In short,
#ads work and pretending like they don't is part of their strategy#they just want you to think about it#this is also why games now have once a day quests and such#so you keep signing in every day#even if it's only for 5 minutes#because then when you DO get in the mood to spend money or they have an event you like or whatever#you'll be using their app and willing to splurge#it's not about the link anymore it's about the idea#so yes the first person is correct new ads don't 'work' in the traditional sense#not like old Billy Mays ads did#but they work by harvesting your data and implanting ideas so they can harvest it later#it's much more insidious#Facebook got sued for billions because of this
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I was on call for nearly 7 hours between streaming my samurai game, watching anime, and then just chatting some. Which was really great for getting my mind off things!!! Hung out with a good assortment of friends, which was pretty great.
Though. Now I'm alone again. Which I usually enjoy. But it also has me remembering why I was on such a long call to start with...
I have therapy tomorrow, and I don't know whether I should mention this. She's primarily my grief therapist, so it'd maybe feel weird to spring something else on her... but I don't know...
#speculation nation#just kinda remembering again how fickle it all was.#all the compliments... the 'i love you's... nearly 6 months of them...#dropped so suddenly for a days-long infatuation...#ultimately i guess it's for the best that this happened before i got Too deep into it.#unlike my ex from 2020. where i was literally living with him and genuinely contemplating eventual marriage.#the idea was floated vaguely of my recent ex and i living together next year if we were still together by then.#so if she's gonna be so shallow and selfish as to drop me just like that for a new 'love'...#going so far as to say she doesnt actually love me & every time she said it was just automatic impulse...#like. ouch.#adding in the fact that i admitted to her that i struggle with trust and abandonment issues#due to prior experiences with being dropped for being too difficult or having someone choose some1 else over me...#she promised that i was the only one she wanted to actually date... but then turned around out of nowhere and said she wanted to add one#but when i stood my ground and voiced my concern about her daying someone else given the obvious communication issues going on#(aka her standing me up without warning and ignoring me all day. which she said was bc she was too distracted by the person#she's in 'love' with. to the point where i just wasnt even a thought in her mind...)#(though i literally called her when she didnt show up to the time we agreed on. idk how she'd miss it. but oh well.)#anyways i was rightfully worried about it. and Thats when she ignored me again only to say she couldnt see us working out#bc there was no way of her feeling the same way with me that she does with Her...#frankly i think shes blinded by infatuation and is going to regret this later down the line.#throwing a good thing away for a passing fancy who's planning on moving away soon Anyways.#but. well. it's not my problem anymore is it? even if she begged for me back theres no way i would#after the absolute shitshow that's been the past day.#and it sucks bc i really did like her and spending time with her. but im glad it happened now. before i got too deep in it.#i'll give myself time to recover. focus on my interests again. and school.#and in a few months' time maybe i'll join the dating pool again. this time with a better idea of my wants and boundaries.#it really sucks to have 10 exes. it's kind of embarrassing. but with each one im learning more about myself.#in time maybe i'll find the person that's right for me. who wont drop me bc im too much of a hassle or bc someone else is better.#i have worth as a person. im not perfect but plenty of people do like me.#and i'll find the person who wants to stay with me for good. sometime. eventually.
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