#never really left but I need to get more consistent with writing and posting

[strniohoeee]

reader is down bad for matt, like she blushes, giggles, goes mute whenever he's around and he kinda enjoys it and one day he finally asks her to go an a date and it ends super fluffy

She’s Got It Bad

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Y/N was out of her mind in love with Matt, but she was shy. Which left her in awkward silent situations until one day Matt puts his foot down! 🌷

Warnings⚠️: None?? Writing kind of sucks also sorry if there’s grammatical errors I never proof read till two days later after I post lolll😭

Song for imagine: This Is How It Feels- D4vd, Laufey

So this is how it feels

To fall in love with you

To always think of you

To always dreams of you

You know when you’re reading or watching a romance book or movie, and one of those super cheesy slow mo scenes happen? Where an 80s love song is queued and the two love interests stare at each other while their hair oh so dainty blows in the wind? And you’re curling your toes as your heart beats for the next scene to happen? Just thinking “I need more! Give me more!” And then it goes back to reality and they end up walking right past one another….

And it wraps you into this hour and a half or 230 page book/movie about the girl wanting the guy….but the guy not really wanting her or simply seeing her as a sister or painfully shoving her in the friend zone? And you’re itching for more. Tired of this back and forth of who will get one another first?

And if you said yes to any of those questions then you are sure looking at my life right now…stuck painfully stuck in the friend zone. Mainly because I put myself there. Let's face it, I'm deeply afraid of rejection. Why ruin something that is virtually perfect.

I had it bad for Matt and I’m not so sure he felt the same way, but I’d never in a million years ever jump at that. I’d rather rip my ears off and tape them to the concrete and then run them over consistently for an hour… okay a bit graphic and a bit over the top but you get the point. He’s off limits and I’ve got it bad for him…

Most of our interactions consisted of short conversations, me blushing like an idiot and even sometimes going silent..offering a nod here and there. It’s even gotten to the point of having to leave the hangout because I was so nervous around him. I mean what if I said something that he found cringey? What if I embarrassed myself which I tend to do a lot might I add? Or even worse…what if he didn’t find me funny?

All these terrible instances bounced off my brain like a bullet ricocheting off of metal walls. As I sat chewing my lip, suddenly my thoughts were interrupted

“Helloooooo” I heard loudly from the other end of the phone call

Blinking out of my trance I soon realized I had been on the phone.

“I’m sorry Nick I got side tracked” I replied gripping the phone again

“Yeah I can tell you went rogue for like 3 minutes there, did you even hear what I asked you?” He asked laughing

“Uhhh yeah and I think you should go with the yellow shirt” I replied praying I wasn’t so far off from what he was talking about

“That was like 10 minutes ago, I asked are you coming or what?” He said huffing

“I’m sorry? Coming? Where?” I asked again as I furrowed my eyebrows

“This is why I don’t call you, you have the attention span of a fly” he said laughing which caused me to laugh

“I’m sorryyyy I was thinking about something” I replied to him

“Aren’t you always… I was asking if you were coming over tonight for movie night?” He said shuffling around

“Ohhh duhh of course I never miss Saturday nights with you” I said getting up to pack my overnight back

“Even though Matt and Chris are joining us this time?” He asked

This is where I hadn’t been listening previously and I almost choked on my saliva trying to form a proper answer.

“Uh.. *ahem* yes of course they can join us” I replied trying to seem chill

“Wow sooo nonchalant about that” he stated sarcastically

“Oh will you shut up” I replied stuffing my duffle bag

Nick opened his mouth to speak but on the other end it sounded like someone walked in his room

“Matt get the fuck out I’m on the phone” Nick said which made me laugh a bit

“Who are you talking to?” I heard Matt ask his brother

“Your girlfriend now fuck off” he said almost hissing at Matt

“NICK STOP” I squeaked over the phone

“I don’t have a girlfriend you sicko” Matt stated sounding annoyed…. I looked up at my imaginary camera (hmm how do I take that response) I thought.

Shaking that feeling off I returned to the call

“Okayyy bye nickkkk see you in a bit” I replied rushing him off the phone

Hanging up the call I sighed deeply… if I wasn’t already nervous to possibly run into Matt then oh boy was I in for a treat

Usually, Saturday nights were for Nick and I and I rarely ever ran into Matt or Chris. Usually it was Chris and him and I had a cool bond. We’d stop to hug and chat for a bit before Chris left to go out. And if I ever ran into Matt it was him leaving with Chris which prompted me to wave slightly and avoid all hugs. Rambling on about Nick needing me for something upstairs each time and not even giving them the chance to respond.

I usually shut my eyes and shook my head when I turned away from them and even muttered a few unkind words about myself to myself….

But tonight…tonight Matt was joining us which meant I couldn’t be awkward around him or else Nick would for sure point it out.

I had gotten to their house with dinner for all of us which we landed on chilis…. Good thing I was 21 I needed a to go drink…preferably strong!

Sitting in their living room as we all began to eat, Nick scrolled through Max as we sat on the floor with our food on the coffee table.

“We should watch Silver Linings Playbook I heard it was good” I said looking over at the tv as Nick had just passed the movie

“I’m down” Chris said shrugging his shoulders

Nick and I usually watched action movies where we’d see a bunch of sweaty hot men fighting bad guys. And most of those movies we’d just yell out if we’d smash the guys or not. I don’t know that Matt and Chris would want to take part in that so a rom-com was for the win!

Max was playing a few ads before the movie and as I was sipping my margarita in a styrofoam to go cup (how niche) Matt had called my name

Looking over at him I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Do you like rom-coms?” He asked me

I felt my ears getting hot and my face too….good thing I’m drinking and I can just blame it on the alcohol.

“I do, I love them actually” I replied nodding at him

“I love them too” he said smiling at me as he ate a fry

“Nice” I said nodding my head and looking over at the tv…why the fuck were their ads still playing? Squinting I turned back around to face him

“Uhh what’s your favorite?” I asked him clearing my throat

“I’d have to say 10 things I hate about you” he replied wiping his hands

“SHUT UP! Me too” I replied getting really excited and loud (blaming it on the alcohol once again)

“No way” he replied laughing

“No! like I swear! I have all the romance movies I’ve ever seen ranked in my notes app and 10 things I hate about you is number one, look see” I replied rambling as I opened up my app and showed him

His brows raised…an impressed look might I add

“Wow Y/N didn’t know you were such a hopeless romantic” he said winning at me

This made my heart flutter and my voice disappear? Sinking into my skin I nodded at him before turning to watch the tv

Throughout the whole movie I kept catching Matt looking at me but he’d look away quickly. This made my skin crawl in a good way though

The movie finished and I found myself emotional. I mean it wasn’t a sad movie but rather beautiful. Nick and Chris had gone to lay on the couch at some point in the movie.

So to no surprise Matt and I turned to find them fast asleep. Shaking our heads we cleaned up the living room and headed to the kitchen to place everything in the trash.

The hallway light illuminating the kitchen as I washed my hands

“I almost feel like Silver Linings Playbook is my number one rom-com” Matt and I both stated at the same time

Laughing I shut the water off and turned towards him

“I guess we really are similar” I said to him as I crossed my arms over my chest

“I suppose so, but I wouldn’t know you’re always running away from me” he said quietly

“Am not!” I replied standing up straight

“You’re always running away from me as fast as possible, you don’t hate me do you” he stated as he wiped down the table

“No” I replied watching his every move

“Then why do you run away? Do I stink?” He asked laughing

“No! You just happen to catch me when I’m busy” I say lying through my teeth

“Right…I suppose so, I do know how to get you at the right time though” he stated throwing the paper out

“Do you?” I asked cocking an eyebrow

“Yeah…when I take you on a date and have all your attention so we can really get to know each other”he says

“Well we’re friends so I do know you” I reply rolling my eyes

“No…know me on a different level that’s not…friends” he says smiling at me sweetly

“Not friends?” Was all I could mutter

“Just say yes to the date you loser” he replied shaking his head

“Yes..sorry yes I will go on a date with you” I replied shaking my head and giggling

“You’ve ever seen Notting Hill?” He suddenly asks me

“I actually haven’t” I stated

“Want to watch it?” He asked me

“But Chris and Nick are sleeping” I replied pointing over my shoulder

“You miss queues don’t you?” He asked cocking an eyebrow

“They don’t call me a ditz for nothing” I replied jokingly

He looked at me with adoration in his eyes for a moment before opening his mouth

“I mean with me…just me” he replied with soft eyes

“Oh....yeah” I replied breathlessly as I shook my head…am I that fucking stupid? I thought to myself

We shut off the tv and the hallway light. Matt led me to his room as I followed behind. It felt so foreign being in a room with a new undertone to it….more than friends

“You can sit closer I won’t bite” he says as he looks over at me

“Right, sorry” I say sitting closer to Matt against the headboard

The air felt awkward as we watched the movie, but Matt slid his arm over my shoulder and pulled me in

“I’m not a stranger” he replied as he snuggled me closer against him

Smiling against him I melted into his touch as we fell asleep to a romance movie. I guess being shy does work out in the end and I’ve always had it bad for Matt but after today? You’re for sure thinking

She’s got it bad!

The End

I wasn’t sure how to end this…it’s so HARD TO END A STORY WTFFFF. Anywho we’re almost at 2,600 followers🥹🥹. Yall I could cry this means so much to me I remember when I had hit 100 followers and I never thought I’d make it this far. I’m so eternally grateful for you all😩🖤🖤. I know I don’t update three times a day everyday like I used to, but I’m so glad yall are sticking around till this day when I post once to twice a week every two weeks. I don’t deserve you, thank yall so much🥹💕💕💕. Stay tuned for more work baes

-J💅🏽

[wxshing-aep]

Hiii, I saw ur request post!! could you maybe

write some dating Ethan morales hcs??💖

Dating Ethan Morales Would Include

pairing: ethan morales x reader (all characters are 18+) AN: this will be dating college!ethan cause i thought it'd be more interesting, also didn't proofread this warnings: swearing, gets nsfw in the second half so 18+ (minors dni)

-

you met ethan when you were assigned to tutor him cause he was failing calc. you originally found him to be pretty obnoxious and got tired of his overly nonchalant attitude which culminated in you yelling at him about how he needs to start trying or he's gonna get kicked out. he made no move to respond to your angry rant and just stared back at you with wide eyes and blown out pupils. "what?" you question. "sorry, you're kinda really fucking hot when you're mad"

one of your study sessions ended with him pulling you onto his lap while you made out and his hands roamed your body

he got a little nervous asking you out on a real date even though you've already made out multiple times. he was a bit worried that you'd reject him. he wasn't sure if you'd want a serious relationship with him since he's got a bit of a womanizer reputation. (spoiler alert: you said yes)

his grades got a lot better once he actually started trying because he loved seeing how excited you'd get for him when he showed you a good grade that he got on a test

ethan's love language is definitely physical touch. he needs his hands on you at all times, normally around your waist or resting on your thigh. he's constantly drawing little shapes on whatever part of your bare skin he has access to. most of the time he doesn't even realize he's doing it

you go on a lot of late night drives that may or may not end with the two of you in the backseat of ethan's car

he loves when you wear his clothes but still consistently accuses you of robbing him. "wearing my jacket again, you little thief" "oh, did you want it ba-" "no"

he is your own personal hype-man, there is no shortage of compliments coming from him

"see you later, gorgeous", "damn, my girl looks sexy", "my girlfriend is the most beautiful person on the planet"

he lets you braid his hair when you're bored

he'll match his nail color to yours but will never admit that he did it on purpose and always insist that it was a coincidence

he gets very jealous, but will deny it if you call him out. you were once at a party very innocently talking to a male friend from your psych seminar about how hard your recent test was before ethan walked over to your conversation.

"oh hey, jack, this is my boyfriend ethan" you introduce him, "ethan, this is-" "yea, don't care" ethan interrupts before pulling you by the waist into a searing kiss until jack had left. "there's no reason to be jealous you know? he's just a friend" "i'm not jealous, but that loser was definitely eye-fucking you" "he was not eye-" "let's go make out"

ethan is very distracting when you're trying to study or do any homework

"baaaaaabe, i'm bored", he whines. "m'sorry but I really have to do this research paper" you respond. "or", he starts, closing the book in your hands and tossing it to the side of your bed, "you can take a much needed break and do me instead"

his friends call him whipped bc of how obsessed with you he is and he doesn't give a fuck cause he is in fact obsessed with you

he lets you color in his tattoos

he definitely tries to teach you how to skateboard and holds both your hands if you're too scared to let go of him

he got you a necklace with his initial on it and has a ring with your initial on it

nsfw 18+

that man definitely knows what he's doing in the bedroom cause, let's face it, he was a bit of a whore in the past

you guys have a lot of sex, like a lot of sex to the point where you might have gotten a few noise complaint's from the people that live next to your dorm room

he's a capital M Munch. ethan loves eating pussy, like he definitely does it for his own enjoyment. he could spend hours in between your thighs and any moans or whimpers coming from you just egg him on even more

ethan was so turned on when you agreed to sit on his face

"your face is pretty", you complimented him. "yea? you should sit on it" oh. "like sit on it sit on it?" "sit. on. it." "but what if I like suffocate you or something" "you won't, and if you did i'd die happy" so you did and holy shit does that boy know how to use his mouth. he wouldn't stop till you came on his face multiple times and your legs are shaking around his head

he keeps his hair long cause he likes when you tug on it while he's eating you out. it turns him on so much that he has to actively try not to cum in his pants while he's going down on you

ethan is very vocal, he's not afraid to let you know that he's enjoying it. he whimpers for sure. while he's definitely a giver he loves when you have your mouth on him. his mind goes fuzzy when you're blowing him, moaning your name, shaking under you

he's a bit of a sub and loves when you boss him around. ethan absolutely loses his mind when you choke him while you're riding him. he just loves seeing you on top of him, telling him what to do, using him for your own pleasure. he'll beg, especially if you're edging him

"baby fuck please i need it, i'll be your good boy i promise"

jealous!ethan is definitely more dominant though. "right there baby? look how wet you are for me. he can't fuck you like i can hmm? want you to cum on my dick like a good girl"

this man cannot hide when he's horny. he immediately gets super handsy and will be whisking you off to the nearest bathroom

he loves your boobs. holding them, sucking on your nipples, cumming on them if you're cool with that. your chest is rarely not covered in hickies.

you're obsessed with ethan's hands and he knows it. he knows how to use them and has no problem sneaking them into you under the table on a date night, only to remove his hands from you right before you finish and make a point of sucking the fingers that had just been inside you clean while holding eye contact with you and letting a smug look take over his face

he has a praise kink and definitely responds with "yes ma'am" when you boss him around. he's gotten turned on when you guys are arguing before, there's just something about you yelling at him that goes straight to his dick

if you wear a sundress, oh it's over for him. he'll have you bent over the nearest surface in seconds and the dress stays on.

[bao3bei4]

ON THE TSHIRT METHOD TO WRITING ESSAYS IN YOUR OWN TIME: 

i have had a couple people mention to me that they would like to write essays too, but they are a little out of practice. so i thought i should gather some scattered thoughts into one place. this is not a systematic guide. i am young and inexperienced and still working out things for myself, but this is my basic process and some things that have helped me, summarized. 

my biggest single piece of advice is to write with your proverbial pussy. you are not writing for a grade so don't act like it. forget rigor, forget academic style, etc. read what you're interested in, and write following up on the threads that you're interested in. don’t sweat the details. just do you.

if you still need more advice..... here’s a long winded post. 

step zero: if you have no clue what you want to say yet 

read. and read a lot.

but be realistic. be kind to yourself. your attention is a precious resource, and it is getting eaten up by shit out of your control all the time. if you’ve had a busy day, you may still have the brain power left to read. i almost never do. lol. so make sure to carve out time on a day off, if possible. otherwise you might end up completely fried, reading the same sentence over and over, and ending up scrolling on your phone LMAO. <-- painful lesson also to this end, if you haven’t picked up a denser book in a while, start with shorter articles, especially ones written more recently. if your attention wanders, try getting a physical book instead. the most important thing is just starting things you’ll actually read.  i’ve seen a lot of people (and been that person) who was like. “oh i’m going to start with THE canonical text in a subject i’m interested in” which makes sense right? but that book is inevitably long and dense and convoluted and boring. you can come back to it later. this shouldn’t feel like a chore! 

genuinely this is the most helpful thing you can do is just. read anything. it may be difficult at first (or always), but it is still the easiest way to engage with the foremost experts from around the world and the entirety of written history on any subject you are interested in. there’s not really a substitute to this. 

note: you may say that people can and do come up with brilliant ideas independently of their access to written works. this is true! but if you are one of them, you should skip this section/post, because you already know what you want to say.  okay that was a little too facetious. let me revise: when i say that, without reading, it will be hard to come up with more complex ideas than what you have now, that isn’t necessarily pejorative. maybe your current ideas and impulses are original and meaningful and complex. if they aren’t, however, you don’t have to resign yourself to it.  your experiences in real life are the most valuable thing you can bring to the table, but it can be very difficult to articulate and contextualize them without community—whether that be irl, or the simple textual company of other writers. you can let other people help you and teach you.�� basically, this is a long winded way of saying something extremely simple: reading is not the only way to gain knowledge, or even the best. but it is an extremely consistent and relatively egalitarian way.** **scihub and libgen and sometimes the public library are your friends. (my local library’s book coverage is spotty) who cares about piracy. LMAO. 

you may surprise yourself by how nicely you fall into little spirals. you read one thing. and you are enamored with the way the author approaches their subject. so you end up reading everything else they’ve written, and then you start on the authors they list that inspire them in their interviews. maybe you just read one article that’s a little dry but it cites something else that seems far more interesting. read that next. and so on. 

if you are struggling to read that’s okay. you have options. start a book club (or just get a friend who also wants to read more). if that sounds like too much work, pick a friend to keep updated on all your new facts. you just want to get used to reading something, and telling someone your favorite parts again. skim books. skip the boring parts. drop them entirely and find a more interesting one. no one’s going to quiz you. this is for your own enjoyment. 

also important here: read books that make you want to write. sometimes this is because the methods and/or prose of the author are so exciting, you want to do something just like that. sometimes it’s because the content is so exciting, you want to say something about that too. sometimes they speak so powerfully to your own life, you want to tell people this is me!! i see this!! there are books i just enjoy reading, sure, and i do read them. but you know how, like, a good movie makes you want to tell stories too? good theory should do that too, in my opinion. 

step one: you have some ideas now. 

these ideas don’t have to be set in stone. but you should have an idea now of what you might talk about. personally, for me, i have two interconnected types of essay ideas. 

interventions. this is like [tumblr voice] Why Is Nobody Talking About This. i see some sort of hole. maybe i know how to fill it, maybe i don’t. 

free associations. basically i read one thing, or some analysis of one thing. and then it reminded me of another thing. and i’m like. i want to tease apart their connections, their similarities, and their differences. 

there are more types of ideas, i’m sure. but these are the ones i consistently have. with me, the second kind is more common. very rarely do i find that my thoughts are that original. rather, i’ve found that one of my strengths as a writer is being able to make connections that other people haven’t made, or haven’t made in depth before. IN MY OPINION. 

so i find it quite flexible. maybe i watch a movie, and it reminds me of my own life, because i think two women in the movie could be sad queer freaks. and i’m a sad queer freak. or it could be that i think scum villain could be analyzed through the framework of freudian psychoanalysis. you get the idea. 

at this stage of the process, i don’t have a thesis, necessarily. but i have a couple phrases i’m drawn to. i have a bullet point or two. i have vibes. 

to use an example from this blog, one of my friends hui once mentioned that that one fan image was going around again. we were going ughhh it’s victorian not chinese! together and they said “you should write a meta on it.” i wasn’t sure quite yet what i had to say. but i knew a couple things. 

this is, incidentally, because i had done some research into chinoiserie before, because i had cited the zuroski book for a paper i had to write for an english class some years before on pride and prejudice and its use of descriptions of material culture, an essay that in turn was inspired by my random yet deeply felt conviction that jane austen hated me personally and wanted to kill me.  this is why i encourage reading a lot. i think. 

to work on this stage, make lists. lots of them. i have a .txt file where i keep every essay idea i have. a lot of them are a sentence. or they're lists of books or theorists i think i could make something out of. or they're theses that feel true, but i’m not sure why yet. 

it took me a while to get to this point. just like with writing fic, there was a period when i first started where i was like. i only have one idea. i’m going to write it, and then i’m never going to write again. and then i had just one more idea. after a while. eventually you will find you have so many ideas and the world is full of possibilities. it’s a muscle you have to flex. like reading. and telling people about what you’re reading. 

actually, i feel like there was a step 0.5 here that i completely skipped. 

step zero point five that i skipped: how to generate ideas

my very truly complete “first time writing something semi-academic that was original” (with a loose definition of the word original) was literally just me reading literary criticism of one book, and saying “i think this author’s thoughts can be applied to this other book” and found some textual evidence that supported that the process could be replicated. 

this is like, writing with training wheels on. eventually i got better at it (see aforementioned chinoiserie essay. i hope you agree.). but that was a good place to start for me. it made the proverbial blank page less intimidating, knowing i had a scaffolding. 

i suggest trying this. see how it goes for you. read around until you find some piece of criticism, or just some theory about how something works, that you like. and using your newfound hammer, go look for some nails. 

note: i know this expression is meant to like. be a negative thing. but you do have to start somewhere. it’s okay if it sucks. it’s just for your practice and your enjoyment. 

be cautious of stances. weak writing (in my OPINIONNNN) tries to unilaterally defend or condemn a behavior. what you need to do is treat your writing as a bit. and then you need to run with it. you need to take it farther than what is reasonable. if this bit is truly actually deeply true, then what does it mean about yourself? it’s like using a new set of pronouns as a joke or something. you know what i mean? (that was an example of what i’m trying to communicate here)

what else is key to look out for... look for oppositional pairs or tensions. look for perverse incentives and vicious circles. look for embarrassing ideas. that is, what would be extremely embarrassing if it was true? (or to admit that it was true) you may go—tshirt, here you’re just describing things that are sexy. yes, exactly, that’s the point. you want things that thrill. 

just keep reading and making notes until everything echoes with something else. now you’re ready for step two. 

step two: refine your ideas further. 

let me do this by demonstration. once more extending my earlier example of my chinoiserie essay, i knew that i really wanted to take zuroski’s points and basically... steal them. this is called “citation,” i guess. but i thought the following insights were useful to me: 

british women were invested in chinese material objects 

they incorporated them into their own subjectivity

past a certain point, they no longer “consumed” these signifiers, but these signifers became theirs 

critique of one was able to stand in for critique of the other

and from being on fandom twitter, i already had the following insights: 

people deliberately blurred the lines between china and england when it came to fans and tea

people also liked talking about victorian modesty when it came to china 

so it seemed like victorian england and china had a privileged relationship, in a lot of people’s minds in fandom. 

so it didn’t really seem a stretch to say... how can we look at one history, and apply it to our present? 

it was a bit of the combo of the two: i saw something i didn’t see people were talking about, and it reminded me of something else i’d read before. 

something that helps me a lot is tweeting about my essay ideas. if you have me on my private account, you already know this. it forces me to explain myself to someone who doesn’t know what i’m talking about in a very succinct way. oftentimes, i tweet something out while i’m brainstorming, and then i steal the phrasing back into my essay. see? tweets can be writing too. 

this is microdosing on step zero’s “read something and practice telling a friend about it.” now you’re writing something and telling a friend about it. 

step three: okay now you can like. open a google doc 

make an outline. i know i know i know. i’m sorry. you can start just barfing thoughts if you want, but eventually everything that was on the top of your head will be out. and now you can start thinking about structure. the reason the outline is important is because it makes clear the logical progression from one idea to the next. 

i know i usually bounce around in my writing (a tendency which has been magnified here because this is so casual LMAO), but i always want to make sure that my points are substantiated. if we want to talk about how a causes b, we should prove a, we should prove the causal link, and only then can we infer b, for instance. it doesn’t really matter what order that happens in (or even that we set about it that way), but the more complicated your idea is, the longer checklist you need. it’s just a checklist. that’s all. 

as you start writing, you’ll probably need to read some more. you’re going to want to say something you think is true, but you’re going to realize that you haven’t proved it (or you can’t). go look to see if someone else has proved it. 

maybe you’re right. add that evidence in. maybe you’re wrong. now your essay has a new direction. there is a living thing beneath you. actually, on that idea— 

i tend to structure my outlines (if i’m not sure yet what my point is) by pasting a bunch of quotes in a document, and reorganizing them until they make sense, they seem to flow. and then i start explaining why, until i realized i have begun to walk off in a new direction. always embrace that new direction. eventually you will find that you have not been taking twists and turns, but actually you were dizzily walking along a straight path. (unless you have been unfocused and you are trying to say too many things at once. ask a friend to read your essay if you’re not sure which is the case.) 

quotes are the smallest unit of your analysis. work with evidence. or, at least, i do. it makes writing an essay like solving a mystery. the idea of just spontaneously generating something new fills me with terror. rather, i want to autopsy something, trace its steps, and then discover how it came to be dead. this may not be true for you. but it’s true for meeeee and this is my post. 

tl;dr

0. read something and tell someone about it/post it out

0.5. come up with a bit and run with it

1. think "why is no one talking about this" or start free associating

2. come up with weird connections and tell someone about it/post it out

3. collect all of your posts and ideas into a gdoc and organize them.

anyway i like reading posts like this because i’m incredibly nosy. so i tried to write out the sort of thing i like to read from other people. i don’t suggest you actually try to replicate it (if anyone would even want to.) practically basically i just encourage you to try any single part of this that you think was interesting or relatable or helpful. personally, i suggest reading a book and posting your favorite lines from it. if you do this a couple times, i think you will find the seeds of an essay waiting for you in your own posts. 

[kitorin]

boyfriend headcanons ! itoshi rin

contents. how you met, how you got to know each other, when he realized he liked you, how you started dating, dates, all fluff

warning. rin backstory spoilers, i can't write kiss scenes either, written with all lowercase intended, it's word vomit bc school has screwed me up mentally and i can't think properly atp lmao

a/n. reo, rensuke and yoichi ver coming soon, was supposed to be all four of them but tumblr didn't save some stuff so i lost motivation and i probably wrote too much for rin anyways

how you met

you were invited to hang out with a group of friends, but ended up hating it since you were basically invisible, since everyone else were talking about a common interest you didn't have

you ended up walking away, finding somewhere actually interesting, and found a muji store (minimalist retailer that sells a lot of household items and more), and had your own fun, looking through stationary, skin care, nice clothes, and more.

you were having a great time until you heard someone from the hangout looking for you and calling

rin who notices your panic right next to him, questions what's wrong (not necessarily out of concern, honestly probably because he may have found it slightly irritating)

after you explain your situation briefly, he nods and finds you somewhere to hide, and goes to deal with your friend

he's got perfect control over his facial expressions, he'd easily lie and even if your friend was persistent, he'd still scare him away

"haven't seen them in here, they left a while ago and you better stop yelling,"

"are you sure-?"

"yes. now piss off and stop disturbing everyone here,"

once he's sure your friend's gone, he goes back to where he instructed you to hide, giving you the clear

"i hope that lukewarm asshole wasn't your ex."

you're slightly amused at the word 'lukewarm' it wasn't a typical description you'd hear often. "nope, i'd never date him. thank you so much though. i really appreciate it, please let me do a favor for you"

before he can object, you grab a sample pen, scrawling your number on his hand, "send me a text and i'll do my best to help you with anything okay?" you send him a smile as his eyes widen in shock, "bye kind stranger, have a great day," and before he could respond, you were gone, rushing out the store out of embarrassment for not being able to slip away from your friend uncaught.

how he got to know you

[unknown number] : i really don't need a favor you know?

i hated that idiot anyways, loud and annoying

[you] : don't careeee, i want to make it up to you somehow, please?

i'm y/n, you?

[unknown number] : rin, itoshi rin

after he gave in to your offer, you ended up tutoring him, he didn't care about grades but his high school had a rule of requiring a certain standard of grades to compete in tournaments

turns out he wasn't even a bad student, he's diligent and consistent, he only needed a little bit of guidance and advice, with math being the exception

in between sessions, during breaks and outside of your tuition you'd talk a lot, considering how rin has no friends ("neither do you, your toxic ass friends shouldn't count" he replies when you realize it) and you're patient enough to deal with his personality

even after he has his grades up you still hangout with each other, watching horror movies, playing horror games, reading horror novels / comics (you introduced him to junji ito), and he'd even teach you some soccer when you visit his training. he also tries out all your hobbies and favourite things to do and eat

you two spend so much time together, simply because one has no other friends and the other has no healthy friendships

how he knew he liked you

BRO WAS IN DENIAL. FOR. SO. FUCKING. LONG.

he thought he had a health problem or fever when he felt his face getting hot, or that odd sensation in his stomach, or his heart relentlessly pounding against his chest

he tries to research it, doesn't believe it when he sees all those love related posts, so he literally goes to a doctor

his doctor probably almost instantly realized, and had to deal with rin's denial

"you experience these 'symptoms' with a certain someone, don't you?" the doctor doesn't even bother with noting down anything, he's 100% sure and knows it's perfectly in character for rin to do something like this

"that's not possible- that doesn't make se-," he pauses, and recalls that he only felt that way when it came to you, "... yes," he's sort of bashful, slightly embarrassed but quickly composes himself again. 'i apologise for doubting you, please continue,"

"no worries," with a grin, his doctor prepared leave and meet his next patient, "i diagnose you with love sickness,"

when i tell you, this man fucking asked him what meds to take and what to do as self treatment

his poor doctor mentally face palmed himself, sat himself back down and had a (long) talk with this emotionally repressed boy

rin still insists it's something medically wrong, but he's soon shoo-ed out of the office, while hastily being told to make sure he's honest with his feelings, otherwise it never goes right

back at home, he's lying in bed, revising what his doctor said

"rin you need to learn how to acknowledge your emotions. i understand they're confusing and i'm not a therapist, but you can't keep denying it. it's just as unhealthy to neglect your emotions as it is to ignore an injury,"

...

denial huh?

he thinks of you and his heart once again can't calm down, his face burns and his stomach is doing somersaults. he buries his face in his palm, groaning. he hated anything unfamiliar, anything that he couldn't navigate with confidence, or fully comprehend.

"do you really despise it? or do you refuse to acknowledge your feelings because you've never experienced something like this,"

his doctor's advice comes back to him, and he thinks.

if he truly loathed how you made him feel, why is he still hanging out with you, why is he still investing his time into you, why do you make him so damn happy?

he passed out eventually completely lost in thought

how you ended up dating

some time passes and you finally have the courage to confess to him only to receive a cold "i don't feel the same way," a complete lie

accepting his emotions was one thing, accepting a relationship is another. he could immediately feel regret clawing at his stomach, he wanted to tell you. badly, how much he likes you, your patience, intelligence, your kindness, literally everything

yet nothing comes out. only his stoic and stupid facade's character

you walk away after mumbling out an apology for making things awkward, and rin's left there standing, finger nails digging crescents of frustration into his palm

he's overwhelmed with his thoughts, some insisting for him to give up and accept that he fucked up, others demanding him to move and fix things

what would be worse than losing you, anyways?

and that last thought was the final push, he's basically sprinting towards you, soon his arms are wrapped around you, releasing a gasp of surprise from you.

"ri-?"

"i lied," rin blurts, internally screaming at himself to just say it, "i lied, i know i shouldn't have and i'm sorry. but i like you too much, i can't express or understand my feelings, i don't know anything about relationships or love either, and i wanted to hide how i felt so i wouldn't get hurt,"

"rin-," he doesn't let you finish, ignoring your whisper.

"but i don't care, i like you so much that i'm willing to risk hurting myself, anything's worth it if i can be with you, spend time with you, and love you. if it's for you i'd overcome all my fears of love. i can't afford love, but if it's for you i don't care anymore,"

"you're perfect, you always have been," he concludes his speech, almost breathless from how rushed it was. scarlet was dusted all over his face, teal eyes wide open.

that fact rin, someone who's never been good at communication, went this far to express how he feels for you, warms your heart even more.

"rin?"

"yes?"

"may i kiss you?"

somehow, he blushes even more, and as he nods your lips press together.

dates + other headcanons

MOVIE NIGHTS !! not at cinemas though since he prefers the comfort and privacy of his room, and doesn't like how loud or dirty cinemas can get

doesn't want to force you into anything too scary, but he secretly enjoys it when you end up clinging onto him

since he struggles with articulating his emotions, he likes using playlists and songs to (die for you - weeknd, shinunoga iiwa - fujii kaze, love, maybe - melomance, sweet - cigarettes after sex, COME INSIDE OF MY HEART - IV SPADES SUITS HIM SO WELL)

he's not a fan of pda, yet he wants to show you off to everyone he knows

if you genuinely like soccer and have an interest in it (obviously doesn't want to force you to watch 90 minutes of a sport you don't like) he'd watch his favourite games with you, even books tickets for the both of you if there are any good teams competing nearby

also takes great interest in your sports !! reads a lot about them so he can discuss them with you, and if you also compete in sports he puts together a training routine for you and asks to go to the gym together (say yes dumbass)

SURFINGGGG !! since he grew up in kamakura, he loves the beach and went to swim and surf a lot as a kid and would love to do it again with you, even if he hasn't done it in ten years (same rin, same). same with hiking too (kamakura's also famous for it as well)

visits the store with you where he always bought ice blocks with sae, the same lady who worked there when sae and rin still got around is still there, congratulates him for getting a partner, is proud of him

he's a great listener too, he prefers it over speaking a lot and you can talk to him about anything, whether you're talking shit about someone (he'd join in and start swearing) and or you're hyperfixating on your interests

whenever he gets a question related to his love life he takes a moment to blush when he thinks of you, pauses to compose himself (keeps you a secret for your privacy from the media), then says with a straight face that soccer is a priority, but everyone knows he's lying

©kouyun : do not repost, plagiarize, change, or translate

[roachfun]

This is probably a wild thing to get but your “Gojo should stay dead” post has got my unmedicated ass vibrating.

(I’ve only read jjk0, besides that literally all of my exposure has been via 3 video essays and fanfic… I basically got into the series backwards and tbh it’s an interesting experience…)

And tbh I agree with you more than not. Even though the view I have of the character is so fucking warped because jjk fanfic is too the gills filled with smut.

Because what I’ve gathered from the video essays and the few bits of fanfics that actually tried getting into his mind… is that the man is gd tired.

A god complex the size of the sun, that’s only ever been challenged once by one of the few people he ever formed a genuine connection with, and it was challenged as that person was leaving him. That incident may have motivated him to change, but that change was predominantly if not exclusively external, he didn’t really do much self reflection.

After Geto left, Gojo did better (became a teacher, warding Megumi, not letting Yuta be executed) but he didn’t work on being better (god complex, recklessness, belief that his way is the only way with no real consideration for the effects those decisions have on others)

He’s selfish, arrogant, and reckless, he doesn’t seem to take much of anything seriously and that may be a persona (again, I haven’t actually read jjk yet… the ending of mha did the characters, narrative, and audience so gd dirty I need to know how jjk ends so I set my expectations accordingly) but I can very much see this man never really developing his sense of empathy because he never really had any stakes… like he has some understanding, but the god complex and the fact people around him constantly reinforce it… he can’t put himself in other people’s shoes, there’s a detachment from reality that would read as delusional for anybody else, but he has spent his entire life being told he is the strongest with nothing ever being able to prove him wrong.

Than on the flip side of that god complex, honestly for a good while, and still sorta kinda… to me he reads as passively suicidal. (I know “Word of God” can be controversial regarding character analysis because of its absence in the base text) but the fact Gege’s rough rundown of Gojo’s daily schedule was basically “he sleeps for about 3 hours and spends the rest of his time working, his sweet tooth is actually somewhat practical as he uses sugar as a stimulant.” That’s not good for your noggin. Add the isolation caused by his status and his god complex, I see him coming to the conclusion that the only way he should die, is in battle.

And he did! Even if wasn’t in the “final sacrifice that ensures he becomes a legend” sort of way I think he would’ve hoped for.

But that also felt… right? (Certainly not fair, Gege openly admitting he kills off fan favorites for the shock value does dampen the possible emotional impact that could’ve been achieved… but I digress)

Every time Gojo fights, and I mean properly fights, he’s smiling, it’s a game to him, a chance to show off, to assert his dominance and reaffirm his status… so him dying so suddenly that his legs are still standing as his upper half falls to the floor, he’s lying there choking on his own blood as he bleeds out and Sukuna saying it “cleared his skies” (weird phrasing, but I think that’s a cultural/translation thing) it could’ve been a gut punch of a tragedy that amped up the stakes of the final conflict! The protagonists’ trump card is gone in a handful of panels and a flick of the wrist! He’s bleeding out on the ground as the big bad seems to reach a moment of genuine inner peace! But the backtracking and Gege’s history lessened that significantly

tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that Shonen Jump had something to do with it… the motivations for Gege’s writing choices are questionable to me (it feels spiteful and cheap) but they’ve been consistent until now, what changed?

Anyway it is… 5:45 am… I should be asleep, but I’m here vomiting character analysis based on partial information in your inbox… I hope you have a good day/night/whatever is appropriate for when you receive this

I hate that you had me read all that, but I couldn't agree more with most that you said (except maybe where you call him selfish and I lowk think geges killing system is fair and I like it a lot but🤷).

Anyways, I don't know how to really respond to this since you basically did all the talking lol (plus I'm tired from reading all that and just got out of school).

I do have a question tho. how did you start with jjk0??? Like how does something like that happen. Also you haven't watched the anime or anything😭???

Anyways, thanks for dropping this essay on me have a good day/night or life in case we never speak🩵

[eleanork-28]

Post s3e6 what happens now?

I am begining to write an 'after' fic which has brought up a lot of questions and speculation that I'd like to share. Yes willmon is endgame but also where do they go from here?

Class 

Money (what are the Erikssons doing with their money from August?) 

The rift between Wille’s elitist upbringing and Simon’s economical and political beliefs 

Wille needs to learn and figure out what he wants his relationship with politics and money to be 

Abdication 

Wille is giving up the crown but he now has to go through that process 

Official meetings 

What is his new title going to be 

What money does he have not has Crown Prince 

The official statement of abdication and handing the duty to August 

Figuring out the PR strategy for this as well 

Wille isn’t free automatically he is going to price for a little while longer while they introduce August more prominently to the public so that the crown isn’t handed off to seemingly a stranger 

They also have to figure out a way to make sure it is clear that this is a choice Wille made for himself rather than because of his very publicised relationship 

Making sure there won’t be speculation that he is leaving voluntarily because the Swedish monarchy doesn’t want a queer monarchy because that would be a media shitstorm 

School 

Where is Wille going to school? And Simon? 

Even with abdication he is still a part of the Swedish aristocracy would he go to another posh school? 

I think not with everything that happened at Hilerska but its also the thing he knows, so how does he figure that out? 

Where does Simon go? He wouldn’t want to go to another rich kid school

Will they go to school together? 

If so what interest will their classmates take in them, how would they maintain their privacy 

Even apart what would their privacy look like 

What would their relationship look like if they do decide to not go to school together? 

Same questions for Felice and Sara because they also have to go to school they are all children and education is very important lol

Familial relations 

Wille and his parents need to repair their relationship 

Do Simon and Sara start working on a better relationship Micke? 

I want Wille to get to meet Micke I think that interaction would be great

Public relations 

Yes they are free but sadly the public doesn’t entirely care 

Luckily on an international scale the Swedish monarchy doesn’t hold much attention but maybe that has changed since Wille’s scandals and then open queer relationship? This is never addressed in the show 

But amongst Swedes especially after abdication people will have a vested interest 

Think Harry and Megan (obvs the UK royals are a much bigger scale but the point stands) 

Like people still really care what they're up to, and Megan and Simon have those similar experiences of being a poc partner of a european royal family member, the harassment doesn’t suddenly stop once you've left the direct limelight of royal life

Platonic relationships 

What is Wille’s relationship with Rosh and Ayub? 

They have witnessed every thing that Simon has gone through because of his relationship with Wille and now they are back together again 

They do respect him because of his choice to leave the monarchy, they are maybe not even surprised because they did witness the “I could be free with you” speech

But do they trust him? 

On that note does Linda? She definitely cares for Wille but she also knows how this has affected her son.

Does Wille have to prove his intentions and himself? 

Can he Rosh and Ayub truly form a friendship? How will that happen 

Simon, Wille, Sara, and Felice have forged their own kind of found family through shared traumas and love for one another, how to Rosh and Ayub fit into that new dynamic? Will there be conflict because of this? 

What does a friend group consisting of all of them look like? 

Other than mega gay

[neverfilth]

Started writing down my Blobs/Papermouth thoughts, and it got out of hand

One of the main reasons I'm so on board with the Blobs/Roger storyline is that I see some potential similarities between him and Raymond that could lead to some interesting developments in the relationship's dynamic.

They're both cowardly men who had very obvious struggles with their wives. Florence and Sherry are VERY different situations, but both had some sort of conflict within their marriage that stemmed from the husband's inability to communicate properly. 

Both cope with their cowardice in different ways. Though Roger is shown visiting Forghetty's, I don't see him having alcoholic tendencies. I see it as a man desperate to find someone to patch a wound he is still very clearly feeling the hurt of.

Instead, Roger uses his gun as a replacement for his cowardice. It's a very unhealthy coping mechanism, but it's clearly reflexive for him.

It creates a sort of parallel situation that, if approached correctly, could've told an interesting story for Blobs. 

When searching for info about what was officially said about the lost Blobs/Roger plotline, there was a bit of posting in a long defunct adult swim forum, and one of the things that was said was that it would be good for the both of them. I've tried to find the other pages of this forum, but they're unviewable on the wayback machine for some reason.

What does this mean for them?

Well, I think Blobs would be able to finally focus on herself by pursuing this affair. She would have someone who's finally paying her the attention she craves so badly, and as we've seen in a couple scenes Blobs has an interesting shift in demeanor when she is treated with any degree of kindness.

Being in a better headspace would potentially soften her mood and open her up to that development she needs so badly. 

But she would have to be able to accept the fact that she was having an affair, something she really never did with the whole Danielle situation. If she did want to throw it all to chance and leave for Papermouth, that would put a very big spotlight on her and her family. 

She already has one kid who is a constant reminder of her own infidelity, one whom she consistently shuns away and pretends isn't there.

So what's one of the first steps here?

Acceptance.

A couple stages of it.

First, she needs to accept Shapey and be able to form a proper bond with him, which I think is much more possible with her in a more positive headspace.

We see Shapey on track to develop more, but that plot thread is abruptly cut as the series comes to an unfortunate early end. 

But we do get the:

“When I'm thirsty, it feels how I feel when I'm alone” line.

A statement in which Bloberta has a very different reaction to. Her son is talking to her like a person, and for the first time, she finally sees him. 

This would be the starting point for her to wake up and start attempting to form a real connection with Shapey. To move past viewing him as a remnant of actions she sees as unclean.

But these actions are things she's repeating yet again, and that's another step of acceptance. 

She needs to accept that she isn't this perfect flower of a housewife who grins and bears it every day. 

She has needs and wants that are not being fulfilled in her marriage. She is a miserable shell of a person, a zombie shambling into her grave every single night. With the only strong emotion she has left being resentment.

And that creates a cycle. A vicious cycle that can only be broken if she can admit her truest self wholeheartedly. Appearances be damned.

Only then can she have an actual shot at finding happiness with a man or without. 

Could she actually do this?

Maybe and maybe not, but her and Roger can only happen properly if she does.

At that point, it's just about how they can help each other grow into better people.

Besides the running gag of him having an itchy trigger finger, Roger is mostly shown to be a well-meaning but very cowardly man who seems to wear his emotions on his sleeve. 

He's very open about how he hasn't gotten over Florence, and he very much still loves her. In sacrifice, he even cares more about defending her than himself.

Which in Moralton is definitely not the norm.

He was also very kind to Orel in Beforel Orel when he was supposed to be in trouble.

Gave him his punishment malted. A very stark contrast to how Clay and Bloberta have handled their children. (Ironically he still has the gun in his hand here)

Though there is very little to look into for Roger's character, the pieces are still there. They're just very small since he never really got to graduate out of background character status.

Despite this, we know a few things at the very least.

He's a coward, he's a bit stupid, he seems to be pretty emotional, and he has some desperation to him as well.

How are these traits good for Bloberta?

Well for one Roger is a pretty simple guy, which is already a stark contrast to Clay who has his own slew of complexities and baggage.

But a guy who's so desperate he’s willing to throw cash at the first woman he sees just for a bit of company? That's right up her alley.

She could easily become charmed by someone who would pay attention to her but add fancy gifts on top of it, and she's sold.

Or bought, I guess.

The important thing is that she would feel wanted and appreciated.

I think his cowardice would be the one thing that drives Bloberta to help him in turn. I said before that I do see some potential parallels between him and Raymond and I think that would resonate a lot with Bloberta.

Especially if she was forming a growing connection with Roger. She would potentially feel a similar way with him to how she did when she was around her father.

But she wouldn't want it to be exactly the same obviously, as that was never a favorable situation for her in the end.

So in turn she would want to help Roger in a similar way to how he helped her.

If she was able to become happier and move past the barriers that are holding her back she could begin to turn her focus to helping Roger with his own shortcomings.

Perhaps he is able to speak his mind easier, or is able to get over his overcompensation with his gun as a replacement for courage.

There's a lot of different ways this could all go and I won't get into all that now, but that speculation is a big factor as to why I like the potential of them getting together.

Notably in the way things are worded in the lil snippet summary we had from the emo orel arc, Blobs apparently tries to cheer Orel up which I think is very interesting wording and I have to wonder if this would've been during this affair arc for her.

But yeah this cut plot thread has me in a chokehold and I think it's really interesting.

At the end of the day it's all speculation but that's part of the fun of it!

[tiredthespian]

I don’t normally post negativity about things that I like because honestly it can be exhausting (and I barely post at all as-is lol), but I just need to get my thoughts about TUA off my chest after that finale…

I honestly just don’t know what to think about season 4�� watching it after rewatching 1-3 was an Experience for sure. My grounding thought through my rewatch was how strong the theme of “we are better for having loved, even if it all ends” was—even throughout some of the things I didn’t like about season 3, that theme was always there. It’s always the Hargreeves family. It’s all love. So when I saw the trailer for season 4, I got really emotional because to me it seemed like finally confronting the truth and grief of Ben’s death was going to be the key to everything, but honestly having finished season 4 I feel like his story got kind of brushed over even if it was the whole cause of the apocalypse this time…. Like I feel like they didn’t really give him a proper ending even after all that, and Jennifer just felt like a plot device even though I really wanted to love her. She just felt like a generic MacGuffin.

I don’t know what ending I would have preferred, and I understand that after everything just giving all the characters what they wanted wouldn’t necessarily be any better writing than what we got, but idk SOMETHING could have been different. Ray and Sloane were just brushed over completely, and Dave and Sissy weren’t even mentioned, even though they were all such vital characters to the growth of Allison, Luther, Klaus, and Viktor, respectively. And no, I wasn’t expecting everyone to be together in the end. Part of the bittersweetness of their stories is that their time together was only temporary—that’s a facet of TUA’s storytelling. But another facet of the previous seasons is that those losses are FELT. Dave’s loss drove Klaus in season 2, Ray and Claire’s loss drove Allison in season 3, Sissy’s loss and finding Harlan again drove Viktor in season 3. So why didn’t Sloane’s completely unexplained disappearance seem to have much effect on Luther in season 4??? Why don’t we know why Ray left???

Also playing “I Think We’re Alone Now” over the final scene was so uncalled for. It could have been the perfect song for the final scene if the final scene wasn’t that. Now, a song we associate with the Hargreeves siblings being free is associated with them being gone. Free from the endless apocalypses, sure, but also literally never having existed, never having loved or been loved, which again, is the Whole Point of the show in my opinion. At least Hazel and Agnes get to still be in love ffs.

Also self-sacrificing moves that don’t feel consistent with character growth just don’t jive with me. I’m getting Magicians flashbacks.

Anyway, I’m just tired now. I was vibing with the first couple episodes even though they felt different than previous seasons, but then it all sort of fell off. I wish they’d done more with the subway and the Five diner, given the siblings stronger individual arcs, and had more of those classic TUA fight scenes to fun music.

On the bright side, I can always just rewatch seasons 1-2 lol.

[charcubed]

Look, I personally lose nothing if Lokius doesn’t become explicit canon. And if that were to become the case, I’d also have no regrets for saying for years that that would happen in the show by the end ¯_(ツ)_/¯

I’ve said it before, but by now it would be Disney/Marvel’s loss, NOT mine. Whoever wasted or limited the potential would be the idiot, not me.

I’m simply never gonna feel crazy for noticing what’s happening in a story or silly for daring to hope it’ll be brought to fully satisfying narrative completion. That's just a me thing. Maybe this is because at heart I’m stubborn! But I’d like to think I’m not unreasonable. I can’t control whether writing stays consistent or censorship is overcome... But I just do my best to construct solid arguments, and as long as those arguments remain solid, I stand by them :)

I know not everyone would say the same, or they consider this to be "hope" or "optimism," but I see it as logic based in noticing what the text of a show/story is doing. And personally I also consider blatantly evident subtext to be "canon enough," so if we get my personal minimum, my happiness may still outweigh any potential disappointment for me.

However. Here's what I've come here to say today, in reaction to things I've seen floating around in the fandom:

While I do understand on some level why people worry that Lokius won’t be more explicitly canonically romantic because it could be censored by Disney.... At this point, I don’t understand how people can think Loki/Sylvie will still happen.

As of right now, there’s no way to argue for that in my opinion. (I'd like to see someone try.)

The show has set up a fun but very simple situation from basically the start:

They made romantic love a point of relevance in the show’s story. More specifically, they pointed out Loki's desire for a "real" romantic love, and had him learn the lesson that he doesn't deserve to be alone. They didn't HAVE to do all of those things and tie them together. They CHOSE to make romantic love relevant – and they have actively continued to choose to do that, to the point of including a mirrored dark love triangle in s2 ep3. That narrative thread simply has to be fulfilled.

So if they deliberately established that Loki wants and needs a “real” love, and his relationship with Sylvie was referred to as "fiction" so she cannot be a real love for him.... Who does it have to be?

Obviously it has to be Mobius. And of course, the whole show points to Lokius also, for countless more reasons than just this simple breakdown. But pointing this element out is the simplest argument one can make.

So either...

1. They take Lokius to full narrative completion with explicit canon, as they should and as I expect them to,

or

2. Loki's desire for a real love is left unfulfilled, open-ended, and/or made clear through subtext that it's Mobius.

Those are the options, if you ask me!

This is aside from how Lokius’ love story is now even at the core of the show’s themes and plot, which is an insanely strong vote in favor for their future canonicity.

But for the purposes of this post, I’m talking about whether we'll get explicit romance specifically, like a love confession or a kiss – and I do actually genuinely think we'll get both of those things. I'm not trying to force you to agree with me, but just to be clear, that's where I'm at with it and have been since 2021 lol.

So in regards to worrying about Loki/Sylvie...

They were never really a romance (yes, even in season 1) and they sure as hell aren't now. I can’t imagine they'll become one even IF Lokius is left subtextual.

So what actually remains to be seen is if the writers got to go all the way with Lokius, or if that central queer love story was censored on some level in the end.

My hot take is no one should be ~worrying~ about Sylki at this stage of the game. Free yourselves, people.

If the story starts abruptly going in a Sylki direction, even with only 3 episodes left, I will certainly be the first to say so lol. But I simply sincerely, truly doubt that'll happen.

(Hot take in the footer: this is not the post to get into this at length, but in case this comes up… In this house we do not use the word "queerbaiting." It is a useless, nearly-meaningless, insufferable term that devalues the legitimacy of subtext and queercoding more often than not; it's rooted in the idea that media must hit arbitrary and inconsistent checklists often set with cishet approval in mind; and it perpetuates a focus on the false and harmful myth that many creators are "cowards" instead of leaving room for nuance and the fact that industry censorship still exists.)

[lil-binuu]

That Day

Elias fanfic // part 2.1

if you haven’t read part 1 it’s here

The butterflies in Elias’s stomach would not sleep. He knew what this meeting was for, he knew what was coming. He knew it from the second he joined the wraiths. But somehow he was still not prepared, and had a feeling that he never would be.

The meeting stretched on for what felt like days. Each voice droning on to the next. Elias wasn’t even thinking, almost as if he was in a coma. His mind was foggy, clouded up, and there wasn’t any sunshine to clear it.

Every second of this meeting left him feeling more and more suffocated, until his chest was tight. Elias breathed in hard, wanting desperately to get out and get air. He remembered the car ride up here, with the window open and the cool air flowing into his face as you laughed at his dark overgrown hair flying everywhere.

That was it. You weren't here. He missed the comfort and warmth from you. He wondered if you’d be annoyed with him for not telling him about his fathers plans to make him leader in this meeting, which, as of this moment, consisted of a runthrough of all the jobs and busts he had in the wraiths since day one; special addition, his mistakes.

“What about Elias’s decision at Brewhouse?”

The buzzing room hushed. Unlike the rest of the things he had done in the Wraiths, what he did at Brewhouse was saving someone’s life. How could they even have a problem with that? Although, to be fair, they’ve been twisting things this whole meeting to put him in a bad light - one of the reasons he couldn’t give a shit about what they were saying. But brewhouse was different.

The Warden, who until this moment had been sitting back watching the scene in front of him, leaned forward.

“What about it?” He queried, his dark eyes challenging anyone he set them on.

“Elias went there on a tip from Lino, right? Except instead of doing his job, he-”

Elias finally spoke, “I did my job,” He argued loudly, “and I managed to get out of an arson attack that we weren’t prepared for, and I saved someone else’s life in the process.”

Still not satisfied with defending himself, Elias added, “And that itself amounts to more than you’ve ever done for the wraiths.”

Stunned, the voice retreated. The room was bubbling from the heated reaction, whether the people around him criticised him or not, he couldn’t care less. And he wasn’t apologising for standing up for himself, the guy had a nerve to mention brewhouse anyway.

Interrupting the commotion, the warden commanded “We’ll take a 5 minute recess,” giving Elias the freedom he needed from the stuffy conference room. Wanting to see you again, he ignored his father’s attempts to beckon him and instead joined some of the crowd through the doors and pushed out into the hallway. Elias stopped, looking around to find your face. You weren’t there.

it’s really short bcs the next part is like double the length of this and it will be coming very soon, i have finished writing it, just waiting post! (this is kind of like the context of the next part)

[axel-skz]

Your behaviour is so…UGHH

A/N: this is my first post. I’m kind of just writing it because I really want something super angsty right now 💀 (I’m listening to music and ive shuffled all of stray kids music and drive just came on LMAO)

Summery: Chan had been working late for a while but today was important, he missed Y/Ns birthday.

Bang chan x Gender neutral reader

Chan had been late again. All week he had worked late but you expected that he would atleast be home for your birthday. You had a party and you had reminded him atleast 12 hundred times. He was your most important guest. He had reassured you again and again that he would be there.

You had been looking forward to today for so long. You tried never to get in the way of your boyfriends work because you knew how important it was to him.

But in your heart, you felt it when he was away a lot.

Secretly in your mind, today would be special because you had a legitimate reason for him to be there. You would have a day to show off your favourite person in the world.

But it didn’t happen. As every hour ticked by, your heart broke a little more. You spent the party constantly glancing at the clock. Most of your friends didn’t mention him not being there. Although you had expressed your excitement to them multiple times in the days before.

The looks of pity felt as though they were burning your resolve ever so slowly.

When everyone left, you sat in the middle of your room on the floor, staring at the wall of the now very messy room. Tears pouring down your face.

It felt like you were alone in this relationship. You tried your best to be there at every one of his milestones. Every time he had an important event or just his birthdays. Not only for him but all the members.

It took so much of you to go to award shows. An event where you both had to pretend you didn’t know each other outside of work. But you were there. Because he was. Moral support.

You sat there for a while with no sense of time until your phone buzzed.

A tiny part of you hoped that it was him.

It wouldn’t do much now though would it?

It was your most consistent friend, pinterest. You let out a strangled laugh. Then you took a breath and started to clean everything. Once that was done, you started to pack.

Enough was enough.

It was very late into the night when you got done with all of this.

As you finished clearing the apartment of your things, you heard the front door unlock. The sheer amount of panic that started to course through you was terrifying.

You froze for a second when you heard steps approaching you.

He opened the bedroom door while looking at his phone.

‘Hey baby, you still up? Its- uh, you going somewhere?’ He said as he noticed your bags.

‘I’m going away… for a while…’ You said while looking down.

He started to look worried, ‘away? Away where? How long’s a while? Why do you need to go?’ He put the stuff he was holding on a side table.

‘Chan, I need to leave. I can’t be here. Its too much for me to constantly feel like I’m waiting for you,’ you hurried with gathering the last of your things.

‘What? Waiting for me…? Why? What happened?’ He started walking over to you but you backed up. He stopped, instantly with a look of hurt.

‘Have you seen the date?’ With that, his face dropped. He nervously laughed.

‘No no no, that’s not today, its not-’ he took his phone out and saw the date. He was stunned. ‘I’m so sorry, I could’ve sworn your birthday was tomorrow…I was too distracted all day to be able to get to my phone.’

You looked so hurt, ‘now you won’t have to worry about remembering things. Things that aren’t as important. I won’t bother you with anything.’

You grabbed your things and made a move to the door but he moved to block you.

‘It is important! I was just really distracted. I had so much going on in my mind that I lost track of time. I swear, I’ll make it up to you, just don’t leave,’ he pleaded.

‘You still have to make up for the last 3 dates you missed. What? Should I tack this onto the list? But also be mindful because you will take on 3 more projects at the start of the next week.’ You couldn’t do it anymore. It was constantly one thing after another. You constantly felt like the bad guy but you wanted to be supportive and he said he would try. But then he didn’t. He always had a reason not to. And you couldn’t do it anymore.

‘You know I’m not doing it on purpose. It’s just part of my work,’ he looked so worn out, you had to look away otherwise you would give up.

‘I can’t do this right now. And from the looks of things, you can’t either. Trying just isn’t cutting it anymore. I need to be anywhere but here.’

‘Y/N please… I can try harder… I’ll find a way… just… don’t leave…’ his voice breaking.

‘If you care about me even a little, don’t say anything else. Just let me go. Atleast for a bit. I need to do this,’ you started to leave again but he didn’t stop you. He stood there, still. Looking at the floor.

And you left. Not knowing what would happen next. When or if you would even see him again.

Note: please remember to like or reblog (I’m not too sure how tumblr works lmao)

Gimme suggestions on prompts you might want :)

Part 2

[I’ve tried to look over it but if there’s anything that isn’t gender neutral about the reader, lemme know and I’ll fix it]

[all-pacas]

do you ever think about chase vs kutner replacing house... i got the vibe that they were setting up kutner to be house's successor and then had to switch to chase. his character arc in s8 was a little sudden if i remember correctly (havent seen it in like a year lolsies) but it was also really interesting. but also i love kutner and i can imagine him running a department with a lot more gusto than chase. interesting to wonder if kutner would continue the cycle of (weird) abuse like chase presumably does, or if things would be different with him in charge

I mean, I hope this isn't a hot take, because I think Kutner was great, but there was no way he was ready to take over for House any time soon. It was a running joke that he was a massive liability; he kept pretty consistently making pretty severe mistakes (setting people on fire!). And he also had a real creative brilliance, he was smart as hell and had a ton of potential, but he was nooooot anywhere near a leader. He'd have made a great number two, though. And it's possible with a few more years of development, he would have gotten better, but to be honest most of the time to show was setting up Foreman to be the true successor, not Kutner or Chase.

Which I think says a lot about what the show thinks — and House thinks, maybe — about what the "next House" should be. I think Foreman is hands down the smartest of the fellows on like, a testing level. He lacks the Chase/Kutner/House creative spark, but he's always set up as the Smart One, someone whose brains House respects from day one, someone who has entire character arcs about being like House and not wanting to be. And over time the show drifted away from that, and became more aware of his flaws. We also know that he was never planned on becoming the New Cuddy, they were floating bringing back one of the S4 rejects for the role for a while, they didn't plan on Cuddy leaving. I think that Foreman was planned on being the successor. That's almost stated from S1.

And in a way I think it's bad writing, because the show did lean more into him having a pathological need to be in charge, and because it tended to humble him by having him kill patients, which, uh, undermines the "he's the best doctor" thing by a lot. The fact that Foreman as Dean of Medicine makes so much sense feels kind of… telling? It feels right for him to be an admin and a boss instead of a Creative Genius Doctor, you know?

Likewise, Chase taking over was definitely a S8 thing. I was looking at the dates and airdates and stuff: Hugh Laurie announces he's not continuing the show, and the very next episode to air is Nobody's Fault, followed by Chase. The episode after those is one where everyone agrees Chase deserves to be "team leader;" Chase then gets a run of solving cases while House isn't around. Like, very clearly the show went "oh, fuck, we have 14 episodes left of the series," and one of the main tasks was setting up Chase as House's successor. And I think it does actually fit well, even if it's obviously rushed. Even if it was an accident, he did have the best solve rate of the fellows, and there is something very fitting about it. (Honestly, if they weren't cowards, they wouldn't have fired Jennifer Morrison and we could have had an ending montage where the original kids literally emulate the grown ups: head of diagnostics, dean of medicine, and Cameron as a department head to slot in for Wilson. Imagine.)

SO ANYWAY. TL;DR part one: Chase being the successor wasn't planned at all, but I think it fits. Kutner, god love him, would have made an incredible number two (imagine him being Chase's #2), but I really don't think he was ready for leadership.

(To be fair, Chase also almost never got a chance to be a leader, although we do see him mentoring Park and Masters a bit and doing it well.)

(I'm gonna have to make a different post about a leadership tangent WATCH THIS SPACE)

As for Kutner's leadership style… honestly, I think he'd have so much fun. I think his fellows would have so much fun. I'm not sure how efficient they'd be (I don't picture Kutner as a big details and paperwork kind of guy), but his patients would love him too. It would be so nice.

[landgraabbed]

hi cat! 🩷 so as you know i really enjoy your ts2 posts and lately i've gotten the itch to play it again! but last time i played ts2 i played it with only a few crappy cc clothes lol, so i have no idea what mods are essential mods to have in ts2 or where to get them, how to prevent saves from getting corrupted and how to build your own custom hood - stuff like that. so i wondered if you have any advice or if you knew any guides on where to even get started on this? 😭 thank you 🩷🩷🩷

vilna hiiiiiii!! first of all i am so sorry that this took me so long to reply! i got ill and it hit me harder than it should rip 😭 anyways, thank you so much as always for your kind words, you know i love your stuff so it really is appreciated 💖

it’s a long write-up and i reference a lot of guides and resources from the community from which i learned myself. i’m really grateful to this community for sharing these resources, truly! i tried to organize this as best and include as much as i could, but i'm sure there may be missing things or things left unclear. so if you have any questions feel free to message me!

i. installation

i personally use the sims 2 rpc launcher by lazyduchess, which is included in osab’s installation guide. i really like this guide, since it includes links to the full sims 2 collection, as well as indications to make the game work more nicely with modern hardware and software, such as modern graphics cards through graphics rules makers or the 4gb patch.

it also includes instructions for reshade installation (i personally use the rpc injection method).

ii. setting up a clean slate

whether you want to play in a premade neighborhood or a custom neighborhood, i recommend using a clean slate, meaning empty and/or clean neighborhoods. many functions of the game use hoods, and sometimes these aren’t actual physical hoods and instead add sims as townies or npcs. there are also “clean” versions of premade neighborhoods that fix/tweak oversights by maxis.

mind that if you want a brand new hood without maxis’ townies, you need to get an empty pleasantview template (N001) in your game’s installation folder, or disable it somehow by changing its name. you can still play in pleasantview as it will be stored in your documents neighborhoods folder, and you can use clean versions for that. you also need to get empty stealth hoods.

this all may sound a bit complicated, but simgaroop made a wonderful write-up here for different user cases depending on what you’d like to do in your game. the mods linked here are a boon!

as for making a brand new empty hood, i love getting custom terrains (which are sc4 files originally made in simcity 4). some of my faves are made by @/nimitwinklesims, but i also like finding them at modthesims. you don't need to create each type of subhood, but i do have at least one of each in bloom valley. in bloom valley i have two downtowns (one is magic town from sims 1 originally converted to sims 2 by @/voleste. the other is @/kattaty's remake of downtown, which will be deleted and replaced with a downtown i'll make myself to be more consistent with my other subhoods. it is incredible, and i think i will use some of their lots in my new downtown because they are great), i have two shopping districts. one is strangetown because i love those premades and townies; i never have sims visit or form relationships with them though, it's just so i see them around. the other is oakburg which uses acorn bend as a base, it works more or less as an expansion to bloom valley and it's where i play more often than not these days. then i have the vacation hood makeovers by @/plumbtales. the university hood was made from scratch by me.

when you create your own hood, you will either have to set up your own townies from scratch or source them from community shared townie hoods. for making townies from scratch, i recommend @/simper-fi’s guide (also recommend getting the mods linked here before you make a hood).

for townie hoods shared by other simmers, i recommend those shared by @/mikexx2 (seriously, look at all those familiar faces that ended up as spouses for gen 1 in bloom valley) and @/marvelann’s sims made townies by @/letthemplaysimscc. i also use the bon voyage locals shared by @/plumbtales. i also make my own townies from time to time or use specific downloaded sims as townies.

iii. on corruption

here’s the good news: as it turns out, corruption really isn’t an issue. april black has made an excellent video on the matter of corruption; although it is long, i recommend anyone who plays ts2 to watch it, or at the very least the final timestamp. to know what to do and what not to do.

although corruption isn’t an issue, i still consider the suite of “anti corruption” mods to be essential in order to avoid overpopulation and overall weirdness.

iv. making the game look pretty

i have linked my eye and skin genetics over here

my supernatural skins default replacements: alien - witch - vampire - plantsim - werewolf - considering switching my vampire, zombie, and werewolf defaults to this

for hair, i only use 4t2 conversions. i just like the way they look. i use @/platinumaspiration’s 4t2 defaults collection, which is a boon. for custom hairstyles, i recommend going through @/4t2clay

for clothes, i recommend going through the sims 2 defaults database. i have also linked some favorite creators for male clothes here. note that they also have female clothes. other creators i enjoy: @/mdpthatsme @kaluxsims @/jacky93sims @/goatskickin

i have a lot of makeup and “skin details” in my folder, but i have always been fond of @/lilith-sims’ things

for build/buy, that’s more difficult to pinpoint, but i again recommend @/sims4t2bb for a conversion database, and also @/veranka-downloads’s plentiful 4t2 and 3t2 conversions. some creators that feature in my folder: @/i07jeuu @/linacheries @/nonsensical-pixels @/pforestsims @/tvickiesims

custom sliders in cas: @/simnopke’s sliders, @/memento-sims’ sliders

for the ui, i use the incredible @/greatcheesecakepersona’s clean ui; i also use the mods linked here (+ @/keoni-chan’s amazing talk to me icon to replace icons), particularly the one to remove the red border in pause mode since that won’t be removed in tab camera

speaking of camera, this is the camera mod i use

i regrettably don’t recall the exact lighting mod i use (looking at them, probably cinema secrets), but i know it is one shared by @/veronaquiltingbee

to beautify my neighbor, i consider these skylines by @/lowedeus to be essential (+ optimized textures by @/celestialspritz). additionally i use the rural charm terrain and roads default replacement by @/criquettewashere in addition to most if not all of their hood decorations. i also love 3t2 hood decor conversions!

another useful resource is the gos events

please note that a lot of these creators do multiple categories of cc, so recommendations for one category may overlap with another; i know that this is just scratching the surface but i hope it helps

v. gameplay mods

i use so many mods to overhaul the gameplay so there will be some omissions. i’ll do my best to provide the most important ones (ignoring the ones previously mentioned)

economy and careers: uni part-time jobs for teens - lower wages - no 20k simoleons handout - loan jar (afaik lamaresims is working on a version to enforce regular payments) - custom bills (750%) - expensive bills for apartments (300%) - private school bill fix (in moreawesomethanyou-al.zip; charges the household 200 simoleons each school day for a child in private school) - lamare’s job options mods - 50% job promotion chance - restricted job offers - work food delivery

food & eating: basically @/jacky93sims's whole library

lifespan & health: lifespan (modified as follows, baby to elder: 3 - 7 - 14 - 21 - 91 - 7-14; i will make the adult lifespan longer still given that i play very slowly, it works as young adult and adult stages, and as is i don’t see many sims of gen 1 living to meet their grandchildren) - more dangerous fires - frequent & faster disease processing

personality: 3t2 traits project and associated mods

relationships and woohoo: acr - romantic standards - reproductive capabilities configurer - pregnant sims wear any outfit

supernatural/occults: plantsims can change hairstyle - no more leafy hair - no more werewolf hair - child lycanthropy - werewolf fangs fix - werewolf transformation 3 nights a week + no personality change vampires can’t eat food - vampire motive decay during day based on aspiration + vampire hunger goes down at night & social/fun decay- hereditary supernaturalism

travel and community lots: visit other sims - community time (+ limeyyoshi’s fix, reuploaded bc i cannot find it)

university: semester changes - pets at university - maternity for young adults - maternity outfit fixed for young adults

misc: planting overhaul - monique’s hacked computer, which i use to give sims separate bank accounts, study skills and badges online, and so on (1 - 2 - 3 - 4) - townie apartment residents - community lot skilling - engagement and wedding ring for color traits - invisible medicine cabinet (so sims can brush teeth and wash face with any mirror) - shiftable everything - midgethetree’s mods - fix subhood selection - longer seasons (7 days)

[gwenllian-in-the-abbey]

I know that you dislike how Aegon was portrayed in the show, but I really like alot of the elements they added to his character. The decision to invent an entirely original character just for him to assault was one of the strangest choices by the writers. However, I appreciate how they depicted his relationship with his parents. For instance, Viserys adored baby Aegon because he thought he could be a replacement for Balon. But as Aegon grew older and began to resemble his mother, he was no longer what Viserys wanted. Balon's shadow still looms over Aegon even in his adulthood. This is very similar to the dynamic between Tywin&Tyrion, and how Joanna's shadow still looms over both of them. Aegon's relationship with his mother is also very interesting. She loves him because he is her firstborn, but she also resents him. She believes that by crowning him, she could save him, but that's what ultimately leads to his death. There's so much to Aegon's character in the show, but most of it has been left unexplored. I wish that in S2, instead of vilifying him even further, they would explore the elements they added to his character.

Actually, I agree with a lot of this. It's mostly the invention of the OC to assault that I take issue with, and the way the show's writers can't seem to decide if they want Aegon to be an outright villain or a more grey character (which I think he certainly was in the book). But this is how a lot of the S1 characterization went. Given the time jumps, they had a hard time establishing a consistent characterization that felt like it developed organically over time. It's fine to have characters act in an inconsistent way, but you have to establish that this character has two warring sides and why. As GRRM likes to say, his favorite stories are about the human heart in conflict with itself. A character can do things that are unexpected or against their own interests, but we need to understand the conflict. Aegon really only got a handful of episodes in S1, so it's not surprising that his character is undeveloped compared to Alicent or Rhaenyra or Daemon.

There are lots of things I do like about the show's portrayal of Aegon though, and some of it is down to TGC's acting choices, but some of it is on the page. I think actually the show did the best job with the writing of younger Aegon in episodes 6 and 7, where you really see a spark of happiness in Aegon dim from the start of episode 6 to the end of episode 7 as the weight of expectations settles upon him. I also like that the show has made Aegon more or less an abused and neglected child. While I don't think that Alicent is an abusive parent per se, she and Otto both get physical with him even when he's not done anything (the kick to the ribs from Otto I think does cross a line). From episode 6 onward, there's not an episode in which Aegon is not being manhandled to some degree, and I think that's a really interesting choice. He's kicked around and slapped and grabbed and all of this culminates in him finally being metaphorically shoved onto a throne against his will. I think it gives this sense with Aegon that he is never really allowed to exist as his own person, that his very body isn't his own. He is either a vessel for kingship (and thus the protection of his family) or he is a representation the challenge he poses to Rhaenyra. His feelings don't matter, his wants don't matter, his pain doesn't matter. His father, very literally, erases him, and he's raised believing his sister probably wants him dead. I think it feeds very well into his hedonism, and I'd like to see that explored more.

But I agree that Season 2 should develop his character, rather than vilifying him further. I don't actually think show!Aegon is a total lost cause but the writers are treading a thin line with him. Most of what I enjoy about book!Aegon hasn't happened yet on the show, and there will be plenty of time post-Rook's Rest for Aegon to reflect upon his life and his choices, so let's hope they use it! A lot of people die in the Dance but we've got Aegon until the last episode or so, so the show really needs to make sure he's compelling to people who aren't already invested in his book character.

[comfortlesshurt]

alrighty, I locked in for a couple days and now I get to reward myself by yelling into the tumblr void about the series progress

first off, there are TWO FICS over 50% done, v exciting stuff. I know they've been over 50% for a bit now, but like... let me have my motivation, okay? we are in the HARD PART of the project where it all looks overwhelming, so I'll take the wins I can

also tex fic is finished and through round 1 of editing. it still needs another major edit and i need to finish fic 1 to make sure no info conflicts between the two, but the serious work for that is done

there are a few more days left before NotNaNo, but even going in with today's word counts, focusing on fics 1 and 2 should put them pretty close to finished by the end of November unless I was super off with the word count estimate

also had a really good writing day yesterday!

ignore those date projections at the bottom because like... those assume either i write 3k every day or i write 3k twice a week and 1.2k the other 5 days, and I canNOT do that consistently. but that July 23rd date is realistic! that's me continuing to hit my average based on the past 106 days since starting this project, so there's a good chance I finish this project in a total of just over a year (in which case I will never shut up about writing 450k in a year, so watch out)

finally, fic 1 is a huge portion of that daily par number in the first row, so... unless I fall majorly away from the intended timeline, that required daily par will go down a LOT at the end of december, which will be nice. the goal is still to focus a lot on this project and only really jump over to side projects as they call to me, but it's easier to do that when your average isn't struggling to keep up with your daily par number. it simply does not feel good to be constantly working just to barely get over the par.

as far as editing, i'm starting to fear i didn't budget enough time for that in my early projections, so the timeline might be off there. those due dates listed are for the final rough draft, which doesn't get a chance to rest before immediately going into a month of editing. something just tells me now that a month isn't going to be enough to cover a content edit for each fic. it's also relying on the technical edits being done week-to-week as each chapter goes up.

also added one more tracking tool recently:

this is to look at all the projects week-to-week, and really what it's done is made it obvious that I am in fact very focused on fic 1 lmao. in my defense, that's the one that has consistently had the highest required par, so it's easy to treat it as the most important. also, up to 27-aug is rough. I started writing these fics in Word, so I didn't have day-to-day stats to go back and check. I could only find those once I switched to Reedsy, so for the record I did not write 54k between 20-aug and 27-aug. same with the tex fic--that wasn't all written in one week.

this chart still only looks at ILaD progress, so you can see where I take my break in October and it cuts down a lot... but that's excluding the 10k that went into an unrelated fic, so I don't think taking this break has actually cut down on my writing much. it's just made me have a better time with it temporarily. i took a couple days off writing completely during October but like... I didn't really enjoy that? so I don't think that's the solution I'm looking for long-term.

anyway, thanks for coming to my ted talk. i will infodump again, and probably soon since all the end of the month posts are coming up in the next week.

[xerith-42]

Redesign The Nine Part 3 (sort of)

If you haven't read the previous posts in this series, don't worry. In the last two posts I turned my attention to characters who didn't exist, or characters who's development/implementation in the story left a lot to be desired. This is going to be more of that second one, mostly because I love all of the characters I'm going to talk about in this post.

This post is partially redesign, but mostly analysis of the Jury and how these established characters might interact with less established characters to flesh out the Jury of Nine as a whole. I just gave it the same title for consistencies sake, please know that I am not making any drastic changes to these characters that would contradict or retcon their purpose in the story. It's mostly adding extra details around what we already know.

With that being said, let's get started with

Ivy The Venom Scythe

Why doesn't Ivy have a scythe? It's in her fucking name, why didn't they-- well I guess I have to!

Bam!

(image found on Pinterest)

This is Ivy's scythe now. Size and all. Big fuck off scythe that's kind of impractical but god damn does it look cool when she uses it. How does a girl learn to use a scythe like this? By being a weapon raised by farmers.

Ivy was raised to believe that her worth as a person was determined by her ability to protect herself. Unlike many other members of the Jury, Ivy doesn't come from Ru'aun. She comes from Tu'la, where might and fury is upheld as aspirational. Growing up in the outer kingdoms, separate from the tyrannical rule of the king, Ivy never had any sense of civic duty to her kingdom. However, she was raised to be a weapon to protect her family's homestead.

She learned how to use a scythe because it was something always around her parents farm, something that made her stand out against any poor boy with a sword and gave her a unique flare she hoped to use to instill fear into her enemies. Ivy's dreams of guts and glory where shattered when she was just a teenager and her little family farm and the village adjacent to it were beset by colonizers of the main kingdom.

That day Ivy failed. She was raised to be a weapon and she failed, barely making it out alive with her dad and getting on a boat to Ru'aun. It stuck with her in a way she never wanted to admit. She later came to greatly resent her parents, but this event and this failure still haunts her. Just in... Different ways. In Ru'aun Ivy quickly picks up on the fact that the best way to survive is to become a guard. She doesn't really understand the inner workings of Ru'aun's political and religious powers, she just needs a means of supporting herself and goes out and gets it.

And she goes so hard that she makes the top of the Jury list without trying. She was literally raised to protect her family, raised to be a fighter, she knows the answers to any tests they ask her without studying anything. She doesn't fight with a sword, she demands that she fight with a scythe, using a terrible wooden one as a demonstration of her skills. She ends up breaking it over someone's body because she went too hard, but it was impressive as hell. Ivy garners instant attention and recognition for her abilities, and when instructors are writing the Jury list, she's the top name on all of them.

But there is one worry. Ivy's attitude. Despite her great combat prowess, Ivy has a really stand off-ish personality. She didn't really interact with other people a lot and tends to be really awkward in conversations. Eventually she just starts intimidating people because it's easier to get them to do what she wants if they think she'll gut them. And she will.

There's a worry that her stubbornness and lack of cooperative skills will make her unfit for the Jury, who are meant to be a collective that fights stronger together. Fortunately for Ivy, this Jury is run by Zane Ro'Meave who has no morals and pragmatic ideals that serve his own ends instead of upholding the sanctity of a centuries old tradition that barely worked. When Zane meets Ivy she threatens him at one point because her brain just has not had the capacity to wrap around how important Zane is. He reminds her of the stuck up nobles that were always badgering her parents to sell their land and become a part of their kingdom.

Zane is endlessly amused by this angry lesbian threatening him with a sharpened gardening tool, and doesn't even think twice about letting her in. He even assigns her name before she's signed all the paperwork signing her rights away to Zane. Ivy the Venom Scythe. It's too fitting. Ivy takes great pride in this name, and in time take great pride in serving Zane.

Her initial judgement wasn't wrong, but she sees the benefit of being in his good graces. There's an element to people who've left Tu'la that I love to implement. This lingering, always present but never quite visible fear, the threat on the horizon but our of focus. Tu'la and the colonizing fucks that run the major kingdoms are always a quiet threat. Ivy sees what O'Khasis looks like, gets a sense for it's military and their values, and gets a taste for how ruthless Zane is and she realizes if anyone stands a chance against them, it's him.

That's why Ivy is loyal to Zane. And that's why Zane always has faith in her, even if he doesn't express it. He doesn't need to blackmail her by threatening her family, because she gladly moves her dad into a nice home in O'Khasis where he won't pose any threat. And over time, as Ivy spends less and less time away from him, she realizes skills she has outside of being a weapon. Thanks to Zane, possibly Teony, maybe Janus, Ivy does start to come out of the armor she's put around herself.

Teony spends a night with her where Ivy confesses that she actually really likes classical theatre. She used to watch theatre troupes that traveled the countryside do different plays and epics and she loves them so much. Zane makes her realize the value of how analytical she is about people. Ivy is naturally talented at reading people, a skill she's picked up over the years of watching people's footsteps in combat. She knows how to get into an enemy's head and then make a battle plan around it, and she attends almost all of Zane's war room meetings because of this.

As Ivy realizes more and more the person she is outside of what her parents wanted for her, a sort of resentment starts to grow. She starts to reflect on experiences differently. Some fond story about a time that her father taught her a harsh lesson quickly makes her feel angry and protective, how dare he speak to her like that. What gave him the right to harm a child? And why didn't her mother ever do anything?

Ivy doesn't like to be controlled. It's what her parents taught her whenever they talked about their disdain for the kingdoms vying for territory at all times. That the best thing they could be is free of all of them. None of them actually care about their individual lives, they're just numbers, just spots on a map they can say they own. She realizes that her parents thought of her the same way.

Barely their daughter, just something to fend off the enemy. How could she ever be ready to fight an entire kingdom? She was a child, and they took that away from her. How dare they. If there's one thing we know about Ivy, she's ruthless, and she doesn't like being controlled. She tends to take matters into her own hands, and she isn't afraid to cut the threads tying her to a legacy she no longer cares to protect.

Ivy rebuilds her life in Ru'aun, serving Zane, fighting for O'Khasis, forming relationships that mean something with other members of the Jury. And then Teony leaves. Ivy wasn't around when it happened, only getting the letter Teony left from her. That's when things change... Probably not for the better. That's when Ivy starts leaving for jobs longer and longer, taking on projects in other regions even if she isn't who Zane wanted to send.

She starts to desperately chase after Teony because in a life of being a weapon for someone Teony was the first person who liked her fighting but made her feel like a person. Teony gave Ivy hope that she could have a life outside of fighting, killing, and intimidating. She still lives this life but her heart has started to fall out of it and it's almost like she's grieving.

This all comes to a head when Janus finds her in Gal'ruk. He sought her out. He hunted her down when Zane was content to leave her while he achieved his goals in Ru'aun. He hunted her down because Zane is gone now, and so is Lilian. Janus didn't have many people he ever connected with, only three, and Ivy is at the bottom of that list. But he needs some tether after everything else is gone, and quite frankly so does Ivy.

The two travel together for quite some time, but eventually end up in Tu'la, a place Ivy is surprisingly eager to return to. Her eagerness is because she wants to prove to those militants and the monarchy that they failed. They failed to kill her, failed to end her bloodline, and failed to keep down a resistance force against their tyranny, especially with Janus at her side.

[looks at the canon for what happened to Janus in Tu'la]

THIS DID NOT GO WELL.

Needless to say trying to stand up to your oppressors starts to fall apart when your best friend kills a few civilians and then said oppressors respond by killing your friend. As admirable of a fight as Janus put up, as hard as he fought, even he fell to their might. Janus was slain and Ivy was left with a choice. The Tu'la military has some great respect for her due to her fury, her fighting prowess, and the fact that she's a natural born Tu'la citizen. She deserves a nice cushy spot in their ranks as a proper warrior of Menphia. Ivy is left with three choices.

Run, hide, or fight. She chooses to hide, playing the long game she always has and taking the job in the Tu'la military, accepting her guard dog, and using her friends sword as a secondary weapon in remembrance of everything she's lost. Ivy serves knowing that one day she will become a thorn in their side and a knife in their back. Ivy has always fought for her own survival, and the greatest threat to that survival has always been Tu'la.

That doesn't change just because she works for them.

Katelyn The Firefist

Imagine this. You're born to a large, not so well off family living in the fringes of the biggest city in the continent. While you could have moved somewhere better at some point in your life, that point is gone now. Now you have three baby brothers to look after, a mom who is gone all the time, and a dad who is working himself into an early grave and still unable to provide. What do you do?

Katelyn fought back. She may have been the only girl in a family of boys but she was manlier than all of them. She convinced her dad to teach her to fight before her oldest brother could even walk. She was an energetic and occasionally violent child. It was good for her to be trained in how to kill someone so she wouldn't accidentally kill one of her family members if she wasn't paying attention.

Katelyn sparred with her brothers all through their childhoods, it's how she connected with them, how they came to be close. Not all of them took to fighting, but they still learned self defense from Katelyn. She never talked to them about it, but it's clear that the environment she grew up in wasn't always pretty. As O'Khasis started to have more presence bandits were driven out and things became more peaceful. But even still, Katelyn never trusted O'Khasis fully.

She really didn't like that she never saw the full face of its leader. It meant they would always have things to hide. Nevertheless, in an attempt to not only get her family out of poverty, but also to potentially serve and see behind the dark secret of the O'Khasis Elite, Katelyn applied to the guard academy, expecting to get her certification and then work as a guard at the Ro'Meave Estate.

She wasn't expecting to make the Jury list. It was just not a thought that ever crossed her mind despite knowing it was a thing. Katelyn was content to do her own thing, and while she could be friendly with her classmates, she never made the offer herself. She always had to be coaxed out of her shell by others, and few made attempts to really connect with or understand her. She didn't go to the Academy to make friends, she went to make a living.

Instead the day before her graduation ceremony she was approached by Zane Ro'Meave. He seemed delighted to meet her, genuinely excited after all he'd heard of her fighting prowess. I mean, she never fought with a sword.

All that time it was hand to hand. Gauntlet to armor. Bladed glove to throat. Different members of the Jury stood out for unique weapon selections and mastery, but Katelyn stood out for being able to kill a fully armored guard without a weapon. She would be an invaluable asset as Zane's personal guard, able to cover a weak spot in his security. One issue.

As Zane and Katelyn are talking, one of her brothers comes running into the courtyard, excited to see his big sister after so long. Her dad brought them early to surprise her at the worst possible time. Zane responds to the presence of her family professionally, even introducing himself to her father and speaking to him about Katelyn getting the Jury position before she even agreed to it.

Despite not knowing Zane, Katelyn can't fight the feeling that this is wrong. That she should be shielding her family away from whatever was hiding behind Zane's mask. But now her dad knows she has this opportunity, she could be a true hero to her brothers, give them the life they deserve. Any doubt she has about the position is overshadowed by her unending love for her family. She takes the position, moves her family into central O'Khasis, and serves Zane exclusively now.

One issue. Katelyn cannot fucking stand Zane. She's really good at biting her tongue and clenching her fist, but Zane isn't an idiot. He can see the change in her expression, the twitch of her brow, the way she gets tense when he brings up less than moral ideas. He knows that she's thought of punching him hard enough to knock his head off, but still needs her to know she can't really hurt him.

The day before he plans to put this in action, Katelyn meets a fellow member of the Jury, the one who joined a year before she did. Their initial interaction doesn't leave her with much, just an idea of the kind person he is. It's their interaction the next day that matters. It's what Zane says to Katelyn.

At this point, she's been in the Jury for a few months. And while she's shown no outward intent to harm Zane, he feels it's only inevitable before she does and decides to nip it in the bud. This is when Zane instates a new rule. Jury of Nine members are not to have family.

Katelyn has a few options, all of them running through her faster than she's able to keep track of as Zane speaks. All she can think of is how miserable her life would be without her brothers, without her dad's cooking, without the joy they bring her. She doesn't know if she can live a life without them. But as it is, her options are limited.

She could quit the Jury, but it would be a black mark against her in the eyes of O'Khasis. She'd be seen as a deserter, and her chances of finding work as a guard would be gone. Her reputation would never be able to recover from this. She could cut off her family, renounce them, and instruct them to never speak to or attempt to contact her. She'd lose the thing that means most to her, but Zane promises they'll be supported so long as she works for him.

He doesn't need to say why, or what happens if she decides to take... Drastic measures. Even if she ran away, there's a chance Zane would send someone else from the Jury to take her out and cover their tracks, and whoever that was certainly wouldn't leave the rest of her family alive. "Willingly" cutting herself off from her family to keep the Jury position is the only way to ensure their safety.

Katelyn promises to do it in the morning before the decree is announced to the public. If she doesn't, she knows what'll happen. Katelyn manages to keep it together long enough to get past Zane, but the minute she finds somewhere alone in the estate she breaks. She breaks and she sobs and she wails and she mourns the family she's done so much to protect that she may never see again after tomorrow.

It's there that the man she met before becomes more than just a colleague. It's in the outer part of the Ro'Meave garden that Katelyn is offered a handkerchief and a shoulder to cry on by a man she never expected to leave an impact on her the way he did. It's there that Katelyn learns she isn't alone. He has to leave his daughter under the watch of a caretaker assigned by Zane, and nobody is allowed to know about her, even if she's his pride and joy and he carries not only a folded up drawing of her, but he even has some of her artwork or poorly written letters to him.

The sincerity shown and the vulnerability between both of them is palpable, something stronger than the metaphorical blades to their neck held by Zane. While Zane may be holding them hostage in a way, during a quiet tear filled talk in the garden, they're holding hands, and showing love to one another in spite of it all.

Katelyn would later recall this conversation as the only reason she was able to get through the next day of her life. Saying goodbye to her family is... Crushing. Nothing in their life is to change, other than the occasional presence of an O'Khasis guard to make sure they don't break Zane's rules. Katelyn's dad is keen enough to know that Katelyn doesn't want to say goodbye to her family, but is putting up a tough facade to protect them. He knows his daughter well enough to know that she wouldn't do this if she had any other choice.

Her brothers don't take it as well, heartbroken, angry, and devastated. While one of them can't even look her in the eye, Kacey won't let go of her when they hug for the last time, refusing to let go of the most stable thing in his life. When he lost a mother Katelyn stepped in as the best older sister he could ask for and he's not ready to lose that again. It's a moment that tests Katelyn's loyalties further than anything Zane tried to do directly. She has to push her brother off, tell him that she has to go, and that if he ever sees her again, he's not allowed to talk to her or tell people they're related. She has to do that.

Needless to say, Katelyn wasn't doing great afterwards. Neither was the poor father she had spoken to, and once more they meet each other near the edge of the garden and talk through their awful days, this time with some drinks or even a pipe. It's the one respite that Katelyn gets, the one place she can be herself and not put up a front.

When Jury work is awful, she can fall back on him. When one or both of them is pushed to do something outside of their moral compass for Zane, they confide in one another and assure each other that they aren't the monsters Zane wants them to be. And while it started slow, these little meet-ups are when they start making plans to get the hell out of dodge and get their families to safety. It takes a while to work out all the flaws in their plans, and they need a lot of that time to get into Zane's good graces again. Get him to trust them enough that they can take advantage of it.

Finally there's a window of hope. Katelyn just needs to finish this one job, and then Zane puts a plan into effect he won't need either of them for. He'll go off to negotiate with Scaleswind on his own, leaving them enough time to get out of O'Khasis and save their families. One minor hiccup occurs when Katelyn gets sick the day before she's supposed to go on her job. While she insists she can handle it, that doesn't really slide. He's going to take her job whether she likes it or not.

Katelyn never forgave herself for falling in love with him. She never forgave herself for "making" him fall in love with her. She never forgave herself for being too cowardly to admit this love. She never forgave herself for killing her best friend.

So she did the best thing she could. She tried to avenge him. When she hears the news that he failed her assignment and is on trial as a traitor, she realizes that their plans are falling to pieces and they have to act fast. Katelyn realizes that... They can't save their families. If he dies now for his transgressions then they'll never have a chance to get them out. Zane will tighten his chokehold on that which they love most.

She has to save herself. And maybe save him. Or at least find out what he was saving. Katelyn reads the official report and any testimonial she's able to get her hands on. They aren't allowed to see each other, obviously, but she's pouring over any detail she can get. And it all comes back to one name. Aphmau.

This strange woman Zane keeps mentioning, this paradoxical lord who keeps sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. Her name is never in any of his testimonies, but Zane fills in the blanks of the story with her name. He knows. And Katelyn honestly believes him. From what she's heard it would make total sense for Aphmau to be the reason for the apparent "slip in judgement". From everything Katelyn heard... She sounded a lot like his late wife.

Katelyn has to know more. And that leads her to Phoenix Drop under some guise of "investigation" as if it was possible he didn't do the right thing for once. And we know the story from there... Meaning there's one more--

Jeffory The Golden Heart

GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS THIS IS MY FAVORITE MCD CHARACTER YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND

There's one important thing to know about Jeffory. Out of everyone in the Jury who had the potential to even think about backstabbing Zane, Jeffory was the one who the would-be ruler of Ru'aun was most scared of. Not because Jeffory was the strongest, or because he had a greater threat to his collateral, or even because he had the strongest grudge against Zane. Because Jeffory came to Zane with a title.

In canon MCD we're told that Jeffory's name comes from his Golden Glaive, but let's be real, we know why he was called that. Because Jeffory is golden hearted in and out. He's so kind it hurts, he's so god damn nice it's fucking annoying, this man is infuriatingly patient and compassionate. Jeffory had the name Golden Heart attached to him from childhood, first a compliment he was given when he saved an injured bird and fixed its wing. The golden songbird sang along with him, and his mother remarked that Jeffory's heart was as gold as it's feathers.

As Jeffory grew up his kindhearted nature never changed, only improved. He learned to become a guard because he wanted to protect those who could not protect themselves. He was trained by a local blacksmith and one of the guards who sparred with him sometimes, but he was largely self taught. His mother was a baker and his father was a tailor, they had no idea how to train a guard.

But Jeffory was determined. He felt a sense of obligation, not to anyone else, but to himself. To this inherently kind heart he was apparently born with. Jeffory knows he can be a great warrior, and he knows there are lives he'll be able to save if he's given the chance. Eventually he felt good enough to go to the Academy.

All and all, Jeffory had a very basic academy experience. He didn't stand out from the crowd too much, but there's no shame in being in the middle of the pack. He gained some flack and some respect for his unending chivalry on the battlefield, often being the best sport after a match which did piss some people off, but he never let it get to him.

The other reason Jeffory was called Golden Heart was because after enough people attributed it to him, his father brought it to reality. Any piece of clothing made by Jeffory's father had a small golden heart embroidered in. Sometimes it was over his chest, where his real heart would be, other times it was sewn in where nobody could see it, and even made him one coat where the buttons were all small golden hearts. It was in the Academy that this became a pattern people outside of the small village he grew up in picked up on. People called him Golden Heart like it was a call sign, and he often responded to it.

It wasn't lost on Academy staff how much it sounded like a Jury members title, but there wasn't anything they could do about it. Jeffory didn't even qualify for the Jury list, there really wasn't any worry. He finished his time and got assigned to work in O'Khasis. While he would dearly miss his parents, Jeffory was more than excited to explore Ru'aun more and work somewhere new.

Two weeks into his job in O'Khasis and Jeffory met the most beautiful woman he had seen in his life working the graveyard shift in the shadiest tavern known to man. This shitty bar does not deserve to have the goddess that is Grace working it, none of the patrons treat her well, and most of them are blackout drunk anyways. Jeffory stops in to get a drink before changing shifts, and while he greatly resents the bar that treated her so poorly, he's so glad he went into that bar that night.

Grace is more than delighted to have a patron who's not only sober when they come in, but comes in with a smile and likes talking to her instead of ordering her around. Even if it's only 15 minutes, she is properly flattered by Jeffory's natural charm and well meaning nature. He tips her well, and even tells her where he'll be patrolling if she ever needs help with anything. He doesn't expect anything to come of this, but he's still hopeful that something will.

And boy howdy does it. A few weeks later Grace finds Jeffory on his shift and brings him a little care basket with some booze she snuck out of the bar, some bread she baked, and assorted fruits and snacks she could fill it with. He's almost always patrolling the area around her bar and since he showed up the amount of issues she's had have gone down significantly. Whatever he's doing to keep the streets clean is working and she wants to show that appreciation.

This very quickly turns into Jeffory taking her on a picnic date at the top of one of the watch towers where they can watch the sunset together. Because of course it does. And both of them agree that they want this to be the first of a potential many dates with one another. Needless to say dates of this manner continue for some time, and eventually the two fall fully and foolishly in love.

This pushes Jeffory to decide to fully move away from his childhood home and into O'Khasis with Grace. From there the two only become more infatuated with one another, like I cannot enforce how much these two adore each other. Jeffory was ready to propose to her on the second date and he's amazed that they made it to three years of being together without him cracking.

The straw that made him break was actually rather simple. It all took place in one conversation he had with Grace when she came home from a visit to the local cleric.

"What's the news?"

"...I'm pregnant."

"Will you marry me?"

And like that, Jeffory was living the life of his dreams. Jeffory has always been a very family oriented person, always trying to make his parents proud, valuing them and the collective family of his village, and he always had dreams of finding The One and settling down, and now he had that. He and Grace married shortly after he proposed, so she could wear a more traditional wedding dress with minimal modification.

The following months with Grace were the happiest times in Jeffory's life with very little competition. He loves taking care of his wife, he loves spoiling her, and he loves spending time with her. One minor problem. They're kind of broke. Their incomes were enough for them to live low cost together, but they don't make enough to account for all the expenses of a baby.

So when Grace is 5 months pregnant, Jeffory reapplies to the Academy with the express purpose of being made a member of the Jury of Nine. The training should take three months, meaning he'll be back in time for his child to be born. And this time he's taken advice given to him on a whim by a fellow member of the Jury. He had one chance encounter with Ivy on a patrol, and she gave him an odd piece of unsolicited advice.

"Word to the wise, you've got skill, but it's wasted on a sword. Try to broaden your horizons."

With this in mind Jeffory goes in and trains in using polearms, a spear, and eventually he finds a real fancy for a glaive, It's a weapon that's hard to use in training situations against other cadets, but when Jeffory shows what he can do with the weapon against the training dummies, it's impressive. He always wants to protect as many people as possible, a far reaching weapon is effective at this goal and gets attention. Zane wanted the Jury to be an assortment of fighters with a variety of skills, able to take on different jobs and cover up each others weak points.

Jeffory was the only part of this crop of cadets that ever really caught Zane's attention. There's just one issue he can't let go of. When he see's Jeffory's name on the list, next to it is written "Golden Heart." One of the academy directors explains the origin of his nickname, and how fitting it would be if he were a member of the Jury. Zane despises the idea of Jeffory having a title given to him by anyone else, but the seat is empty and he needs to fill it.

So he approaches Jeffory. Jeffory is as friendly to Zane as he is to anyone else, and only kind of sucks up to him the entire conversation. His natural charm doesn't work on a pessimistic Zane, but he can't argue with the numbers. Jeffory was the best member of this crop of candiates, even if he'd failed before. He'd be a fool not to offer it, and Jeffory would be a fool not to take the offer.

It's the day after Jeffory has agreed to join the Jury that he gets the news. As he's packing his belongings and getting ready for the journey back to O'Khasis, he gets a rather frantically delivered letter, sealed and signed by the cleric Grace had spoken to before. There isn't anything that can prepare Jeffory for the contents of that letter.

He has a beautiful, healthy, breathing daughter. In the process he lost his beautiful, snarky, fantastic wife. He's lost everything and gained everything as well. And he wasn't there for any of it. His daughter breathed her first breath and his wife breather her last and he wasn't there. Nothing else matters.

Jeffory doesn't say goodbye to any potential friend or would be pupil, he doesn't even look Zane in the eye as he passes. He just leaves, goes home to O'Khasis, unable to really speak to anyone. It's the first time in his life he's been this quiet for this long. The entire ride home is just... Quiet. He thinks of Grace in the silence, of her voice, her songs, the music she taught Jeffory, her laughter, her sobbing, any sound she could make that he ever took for granted bombards Jeffory's mind in the silence.

When he reaches home something else fills it. The sound of someone new. Her crying, her screaming, her laughing, her babbling, suddenly there's a new and beautiful life in Jeffory's arms and he's never felt happier in his life. From the moment he laid eyes on her Abby is the greatest treasure of his entire life. Jeffory's daughter is everything to him.

There's a bitter sweet grace period. A time where Jeffory has to start going through all of Grace's things, figuring out what to keep for himself, what to keep for Abby, and what to send back home to her parents. A time where he can adjust to being a father and the challenges of raising a newborn he is not even close to fit to raise. It doesn't last for very long, but Jeffory remembers it as the last time he ever felt peaceful.

Then Zane comes home. And with him comes Jeffory's previously unaddressed Jury summon. There's not any doubt in his mind that he wants to take this job to provide for Abby, but he actually initiates negotiations with Zane to ensure that he'll have time to care for her, and someone equipped to care for her if he isn't present. Zane showed up at his home ready to intimidate and possibly threaten the life of this child and Jeffory's suddenly trying to get proper sick leave and setting up Bring Your Daughter To Work days.

Once again Jeffory displays something that Zane is less than fond of. Jeffory's forward way of thinking, the way that he sees the world in spite of the way that it is and then takes the world into his own hands to get it if he has to... It's unsettling to someone trying to maintain power and control for his own ends. Suddenly Jeffory's a liability but Zane can't get rid of him. He needs Jeffory, needs one of the many empty seats his father left him to be filled, needs someone with his skills and charisma on his side, but he can never trust Jeffory the Golden Heart.

Zane begrudgingly agrees to Jeffory's request, arranging for him and Abby to stay in a smaller homestead near the Ro'Meave Estate, and Zane will make arrangements for Abby to have a caretaker that will care for Abby when he's away. (Don't ask me for details about the caretaker cause then they'll just turn into an OC mid post). Once they're moved, Jeffory does as he agreed.

He serves Zane Ro'Meave. Why wouldn't he? Sure, Zane's a little off-putting, but he's still learning to rule, still learning how to do things. Jeffory sees Zane for the child wearing adults clothing that he is and forgives any perceived shortcomings because of this. He can tell Zane is calculated, but he hasn't wrapped his head around just how calculated Zane is, how many steps ahead he's thinking, and how far he's willing to go for his own ends.

There's just. One problem. Jeffory was the first and Katelyn was the second member of the Jury to come in with previous attachments. Before Zane mostly found people with no attachments, or who were already attached to him and his family. Jeffory was his first taste, and it was not a good one. Jeffory's sincere nature meant Zane couldn't ask him to do messier jobs that he would be best suited for because well, if anyone would tell him "I'm not gonna do that" it would be Jeffory.

And if Jeffory gets away with doing that, if he gets treated differently just because he has the audacity to call Zane cruel, then he won't be the last. Zane cannot let this become a problem. And Zane is rather efficient at killing two birds with one stone. The day after Katelyn and Jeffory first became acquainted, Zane tells Jeffory the unfortunate truth. He needs Jeffory to do a... Less than ideal job.

Kill the last of a resistance group fighting against O'Khasis' forced annexation of their village. Ivy has done a good job of cutting down their numbers, but Zane wants Jeffory to lure them into false peace talks so they lower their guard, and she can do the finishing blow. Jeffory, obviously, says there's no way he's doing that. He'll kill to protect himself or others, but this resistance group hasn't hurt anyone other than Ivy, who has been actively killing them and their friends.

That's when Zane shows how far he's willing to go. Normally Zane speaks in a more... Vaguely threatening manner. He doesn't like to say things outright if he can avoid it, plausible deniability is a powerful tool. When it comes to someone like Jeffory, he knows he can't mince words.

"Kill this resistance, or I kill your daughter. It's that simple."

Zane only has to make this threat once. He never has to say those words again because once was enough to burn into Jeffory's memories. Zane said it with such confidence, such conviction, there's no way it was an empty threat. It puts Jeffory in a... Really bad position. His immediate temptation is to run to Abby, but he doesn't know if he can face her right now. He doesn't know if he can even face himself, come to terms with the innocent lives he is considering taking just to keep her alive.

Jeffory takes a rather aimless walk through the Estate, mostly mulling over Zane's threat and his predicament, and coming to no conclusion on it. Until he's in the garden. He hears the muffled sobbing of a woman in distress, and finds Katelyn the Firefist, curled up and crying against the vine covered pillar. No doubt suffering from a similar family related dilemma thanks to their shared employer.

Jeffory didn't know Katelyn at all. This was the second time he'd seen her, and she made it clear to him that her vulnerability was a rareness he should consider himself lucky to have survived seeing. But her vulnerability is the only reason either one of them open up to the other about their struggles. What started as a hushed conversation trying to relieve some stress turned into them being trusted confidants that either one could go to.

Zane attempted to cut them off from sentimentality, from sincerity, from the things that make them human so they'd be willing to do anything for him. He inadvertently caused his own destruction through this, bringing together two people who could have had a barely passable coworker friendship and instead making them the only people who they can trust. As always Zane's attempt to keep people down only makes them all the better at fighting him.

Jeffory isn't proud of the man he becomes. But every day that he returns home to Abby it doesn't matter. Every night he gets to spend with her by the fire makes all of the blood shed worth it. Zane is careful to space out when he gives Jeffory less than pretty jobs, so they don't happen often. Yet they still haunt him as he's cooking breakfast for her. He just has to remind himself that it's all for her. One day he and Katelyn are going to get out of this together, they're going to get her family, get Abby, and run away together.

When he puts it like that it almost sounds romantic. And the romanticism of the situation is not lost on him, he's been flirting with Katelyn since the first time they talked. He considers bringing up the elephant in the room, but never follows through, mostly because he struggles to tell if it's reciprocated. Katelyn is frustratingly good at hiding her emotions, even if Jeffory is equally good at tearing down her mental walls.

There was one time he almost said the quiet part out loud by accident. When Katelyn met Abby. Abby was about 3 years old at this point, and Katelyn came to Jeffory's house planning on just picking up something for Zane. But the caretaker is gone and she opens the door to find Jeffory sitting at the table teaching his daughter to read. He doesn't shoo her away, he invites her in and introduces the two to each other.

The rest of the day is a delight as Katelyn teaches Abby anything she can ask a question about, plays with her the entire day, and acts like the mother Abby truly needed. Seeing Katelyn interacting with Abby makes Jeffory want to confess his love to her. He doesn't, but Irene help him he desperately wants to. But he can't. Saying that would be putting another target in both of their backs, and it would just complicate things more. Get out of hell first, then fall in love once you're out of the fire.

And just before they're ready to make a break for it, Katelyn falls ill. Jeffory keeps her housed in his room and has Abby's caretaker look after her while he handles her job. Katelyn insists that it's fine, not because she can do this sick, but because she doesn't trust Jeffory to do this and she makes that clear to him. But she's too weak to even get up and stop him from taking this job. He promises to return home to her soon.

He never does.