#never did i think i'd cause so much controversy about who would end up in Rex Tyrannis

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

I know you've touched on it in your Gamzee Essay/general alternative timeline post but may I hear some more about your ideas regarding GamTav (or only Tavros)? You get these two in a way the broader fandom doesn't (which is fine, I'll still reblog even the most vanilla ooc art of them) so I'd really love hearing more of your thoughts:3

Ok, I think this is going to be someeewhat controversial, but I think they're destined for pale together, despite Gamzee's initial flushed flirting. I did in fact reread ALL of Tavros's logs for this.

I think the first thing we need to establish is that Tavros actually feels really shitty about himself. It's obvious that his problem is "self-esteem," since he's constantly prattling on about it, but there's a bit he says as Tavrossprite that's pretty enlightening as to where his actions stem from:

TAVROSPRITE: i SYMPATHIZE ENTIRELY WITH YOUR SOCIAL IMPASSE, cAUSING NOT GOOD REFLECTIONS ABOUT YOURSELF, tHAT MAYBE ALSO DOUBLE AS LIBERATING STUFF ABOUT YOU THAT YOU RANDOMLY DECIDE IS FINE SUDDENLY, TAVROSPRITE: oLD ACQUAINTANCES, aND GUYS YOU ONCE CALLED FRIENDS, TAVROSPRITE: tHOSE ARE VERY HARD, TAVROSPRITE: bECAUSE OVER TIME THEY GET EXPOSED TOO MUCH, tO ALL MY FLAWS AND INSECURITIES, TAVROSPRITE: aND THEY START LIKING ME LESS BECAUSE OF THAT, TAVROSPRITE: aT LEAST, tHAT'S HOW THE TRUTH FEELS, iN MY BRAIN, TAVROSPRITE: sO i START THINKING, mAYBE THEY CAN'T BE THAT IMPORTANT TO ME, aFTER ALL, iF i'M GOING TO WANT TO FEEL NOT SAD ABOUT MYSELF ALL THE TIME,

He has a mixture of self-loathing and social anxiety, the latter of which exacerbates the former, as his mind tells him that his friends secretly hate him. However, his real problem is what he then does with those feelings - he avoids them and the situations that cause them. This causes two major knock-on effects: the first is that he actively ends up distancing himself from people who ARE nice to him and DO care about him, only adventuring with Vriska because he's a pushover and she's very pushy (he adventures completely alone up until that point, and winds up sleeping almost all the time afterwards); the second being that, because he refuses to actually sit with and address his negative feelings about himself (or anything else), he's never able to fix them, or remove himself from shitty situations.

Something consistent with Tavros is that every time he tries to make a decision before his death and Vriska-prototyping, it's by trying to rely on something external - whether that's his imaginary friend, his robot legs, or the story of Pupa Pan... or relying on advice from Kanaya, or seeking approval and forgiveness from Vriska, or earning flushed interest from Jade. He believes himself to be deeply flawed and untrustworthy, so he allows other people to make his decisions, and when relationships do get intimate enough that someone might get him vulnerable, he peaces out. Even his ill-fated attempt to kill Vriska is heavily encouraged by Vriska herself:

AT: aND THAT BEING THE CASE, AT: eVEN THOUGH i'M TERRIFIED OF YOU, AT: aND nOT AS STRONG, AT: oR REAL CONFIDENT, AT: oNLY MOSTLY FAKE CONFIDENT, AG: Yeeeeeeees? AG: Go on. AT: i THINK, AT: i AM GOING TO HAVE TO STOP YOU, AG: Yeah! That's the spirit. AG: Pretty weakslime threat there, 8ut it's a start. AG: Tell you what. AG: If you can find me in this la8, you can have at me. AG: I'll even give you a free shot! No funny 8usiness or anything. AT: oK, AT: tHEN, AT: hERE i COME, AG: I'll 8e w8ing. <3

As we see with Jade, whom he's attempting to flirt with flushed, he's actively trying to impress her using "self-esteems" explicitly gained from "fake" things he's acknowledging as fake - that is, refusing to be genuine and vulnerable with her, because he doesn't believe anyone would like him the way he actually is.

AT: bUT WHAT ABOUT, AT: mY ATTRACTIVE BRAVADO, AT: aND IGNORING MY INSTINCTUAL COWARDICE HARD ENOUGH TO SAY THAT i LIKE YOU, AT: iSN'T THAT, AT: sUPPOSED TO BE VERY ATTRACTIVE, aND ENCOURAGE THE MAJOR HAVING OF FLUSHED FEELINGS IN OTHERS, AT: i GUESS WHAT i MEAN IS, wHAT ABOUT ALL MY CONFIDENCE, AT: wHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,

His "dating" Vriska in the dream bubbles is also dubious and one-sided at best, as John calls him out for faking it and Tavros isn't willing to bring up wanting the Ring of Life because he was planning to propose to Vriska. Thus, once more, he's attempting to use something disingenuous (in this case, a human proposal) to win another person's affection, which he believes would be a symbol of actualizing his "self-esteem".

We also literally see him do the "deciding someone wasn't actually important to you after all, so it hurts less when you cut them off before they can hurt you emotionally by noticing your flaws" thing with Nepeta - he actually quite likes Nepeta, and would certainly have enjoyed having her play the game with him, but he assures her that it's not a big deal basically immediately, and insists he'll just find someone else:

AC: :33 < tavros im sorry i cant be on your team :(( AC: :33 < im not allowed AT: oH, AT: tHAT'S OKAY, AT: tHEN i GUESS HE SAID NO, tHEN, ... AC: :33 < hmm purrhaps AC: :33 < but i still f33l bad AT: i'LL FIND ANOTHER PLAYER, iT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, AT: gOOD LUCK, bEING, AT: oN THE BLUE TEAM, AC: :33 < ok thanks :((

But, perhaps most strikingly, is the way he leaves his good friend Gamzee on read after Gamzee suggests... gasp... intimacy.

TC: WhEn wE Up aNd sTaRt tO KiCk aT ThIs rEd TeAm NoIsE, TC: YoU ShOuLd mAkE YoUr wAy tO GeT YoUr hAnG On aT My hIvE. AT: oH, yES, tOTALLY, TC: We cOuLd sPlIt a tIn oF ThE PiMpEsT SnEeZe i gOt oN HaNd, BaKeD Up aLl sPeCiAl fOr yOu. TC: AnD ThEn mAyBe mAkE OuT A LiTtLe. AT: uH, TC: ;o) AT: , AT: ,,

It freaks him out, and he's never seen hanging with Gamzee again. And this is a huge shame, because not only is Tavros one of the only people who is nice to Gamzee and appreciates his religious beliefs, but Gamzee is one of the only people who hears out Tavros's genuine insecurities and desires without making fun of him:

AT: tHE ONLY THING MORE FLY THAN THE RHYMES, AT: i'M SAYING TO EXPRESS ALL MY MALICES, AT: iS THE ABILITY HE HAD i WISH WAS MINE, AT: iNSTEAD OF i GUESS, THIS EXCESSIVE PARALYSIS, TC: (lOoK OuT FoR ThE HoOk bRo!!!) TC: GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS, gEt oFfA ThOsE WhEeLs. TC: If mIrAcLeS ArEn't fAkE He'lL GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS! AT: bUT HIGH, iN THIS CASE, hAS DOUBLE THE MEANING, AT: iT MEANS HE CAN FLY, pLUS DOES HIGH SELF ESTEEMING, AT: tHAT'S TWO THINGS HE HAS, tHAT i'D RATHER WERE MINE, AT: hIS TWO FLAPPY WINGS, aND hIS BIG HEALTHY SPINE, AT: oOPS, AT: tHAT'S THREE THINGS,,, TC: GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS, gEt oFfA ThOsE WhEeLs. TC: If mIrAcLeS ArEn't fAkE He'lL GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS!

(Compare:)

PAT: i'M SORT OF, lYING ON vRISKA'S FLOOR RIGHT NOW, PAT: lIKE, iN HER BLOCK, PAT: lYING DOWN, PAT: uHH, yOU KNOW, bECAUSE i CAN'T WALK, CCG: OH NO SHIT REALLY??? CCG: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.

He isn't able to do a REAL self-confidence at least until he gives Vriska the bird and flies away, for the first time asserting that he thinks she's an asshole and doesn't actually want or need her validation or approval. After that, he's able to convince a ghost army to follow him using friendship and asking and niceness. Breath powers! Also Page powers! Also actual self-esteems! Although I don't personally hold anything after Game Over as anything more than soft canon, I think we can still see a fairly straightforward character arc reach a natural conclusion there.

But as to why I specifically think him and Gamzee are destined for pale, despite what appears to be flushed leanings from Gamzee's end, and despite the fact that I usually believe what the comic tells me, is because what brief few interactions we see between them are very much pale in nature, and it would be kind of narratively bizarre if Gamzee were set up to have a failed moirallegiance - the quadrant described as "soul mates" - without managing to find his real soul mate after. And who's it going to be? Equius? Or the guy that Gamzee literally says he feels "at chill with" talking to?

Gamzee kissing Tavros's corpse is often used as evidence for his desire for flushed, but I disagree - however Gamzee feels about Tavros romantically, kissing a dead player is how you revive them, so it reads to me - especially given how sad Gamzee is about Tavros dying - more like a desperate act to bring him back. Lest we forget, Terezi also gives it a try, and Karkat kisses Kanaya for the same reason - the reality that their extra lives are gone hasn't sunk in yet for these 13 year old kids, so they must try revival even if they know it won't work.

Moreover, Gamzee indirectly describes Tavros as his "best friend," after having called Karkat that through most of the game, and having an implied pale crush on Karkat during that time.

TC: YOU MOTHER FUCKING KNOW, BROTHER. TC: its the fuckin puppet. TC: THE ONE THAT'S ALL GOT TO BE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND I GOT NOW. TC: now that my other buddy managed to be having his head chopped off. :oC

Moreover moreover, what Karkat cites as being the cause of their moirallegiance's failure is Gamzee's religious beliefs:

KARKAT: HE STARTED GETTING SO UNBELIEVABLY SELF SATISFIED AND PIOUS, LIKE WAY MORE THAN HE EVER WAS BEFORE. KARKAT: LIKE HE'S JUST SO COMPLETELY CONVINCED HE'S FOUND HIS CALLING, THAT THIS SESSION IS THE GATEWAY TO THE PROMISED LAND WHERE HE'LL FULFILL HIS DESTINY. KARKAT: HE'S SO CAUGHT UP IN HIS IDIOTIC SCHEMES HE COULDN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME ANYMORE.

Which are explicitly what Tavros invites Gamzee to speak on, and appreciates:

AT: yEAHHH, yOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE CLOWN THINGS, wHICH, AT: i DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND EVER, bUT THAT'S OKAY, AT: bECAUSE IT'S KIND OF FUNNY, AT: wHEREAS, i'LL ADDRESS SOME TOPICS PERTAINING TO MY INTERESTS, AT: aND i GUESS, pERSONAL MOTIFS, TC: YeAh! FuCk YeAh, ThAt Be HoW sHiT's AlL uSuAlLy Up AnD fUcKiN lOcKeD bRo. ... AT: dO YOU HAVE TIME FOR, mY MIRACLES, rELIGIOUS FRIEND, }:) TC: Do yOu gEt yOuR NoTiCe oN Of tHe mIrAcLeS AT: sO MANY, uH, gRATUITOUS EXPLETIVE, mIRACLES, tHE MAGIC MOTHER, aLSO eXPLETIVE, mIRACLES, TC: FuCk yEs, HeReS WhErE ThE SlAm tUrNs tO NoThIn bUt hOnKs... TC: HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk TC: HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk AT: HONK, TC: FuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuCk! AT: iT'S LESS APPROPRIATE FOR ME TO DO THE HONKS, tHAN YOU, bUT THAT WAS STILL GREAT, TC: YeAh, BrO. yEaH!!! AT: tHE SLAMS WERE TRULY PRIME, aND, AT: yOUR RELIGIOUS VIEWS, tHOUGH i DON'T SHARE THEM, aRE, AT: rEASONABLY INSPIRATIONAL, AT: i THINK i'M IN THE PROCESS OF RELEASING AT LEAST ONE TEAR,

But also in Tavros's single conversation with Gamzee, we see Tavros stand up to a highblood:

TC: :o) HoNkHoNkHoNkHoNkHoNk AT: }:o), hEH, TC: hAhAh FuUuUuCk, YoU sToLe My FuCkIn NoSe BrO! TC: WhAt GoT yOu EvEn Up ThE gUmPtIoN tO aLl FuCkIn Do ThE sHiT lIkE tHaT? AT: eRR, i DON'T KNOW, iT'S JUST, AT: kIND OF THE OBVIOUS THING TO DO, AT: sTICK THE CIRCLE IN FRONT OF THE DOTS, aND, bEHIND THE BENDY ONE, AT: pLUS, oH YEAH, mY HORNS, TC: hAhAhAhA. AT: mAYBE WE CAN SLAM ABOUT IT, ... TC: fUuUuCk, So FuCkIn FrEsH. TC: YoU nEeD tO bE sLaPpEd FuCkIn SiLlY wItH a MoUtH lIkE tHaT! hAhA. AT: aND, iF YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT, AT: tHEN i SUGGEST YOU GO AND RAP IT DUDE,

He feels safe with Gamzee, enough to take a bit of an attitude with him, enough to open up about his insecurities about his disability and how much he wishes he was like Pupa Pan, and Gamzee explicitly states he feels calm when he talks to Tavros, which is the stated function of a moirallegiance.

TC: Me tOo, BrO, yOu mOtHeR FuCkIn kNoW ThErE Be sOmE Of mY EyE's RoYaL JeLlY To gO WiTh yOuR EmOtIoNaL pEaNuT BuTtEr. AT: wHOA, aHA, hA, TC: ThIs iS BeAuTiFuL, dUdE, i fEeL So aT ChIlL WiTh yOu. AT: yEAH, fRIENDLINESS WITH YOU IS, pRETTY MUCH ALWAYS NICE, aND FUN TO HAVE,

And the thing is, trolls are constantly getting into moirallegiances when they want to be flushed (Eridan, Kanaya), having palecrushes when they want to be friends (Gamzee), and winding up flushed with their moirail (pale solfef is forshadowed in the same breath as pale erikar, and they don't seem to confirm a matespritship until after Sollux's actual flushed crush, Aradia, explodes). Especially for Gamzee, who was neglected by his lusus and struggles with social interaction to the point where he feels like he has to hide his real self (casteist beliefs, constant talk of religion and murder, which, by the way, come out when he talks to Tavros), it'd be easy for him to mistake the "instinctive attraction" of moirallegiance for the passions of matespritship.

These thoughts are all pretty disorganized - I'm really sorry, it's super late/early for me and I'm exhausted for other reasons - but I hope that that . was what you wanted? hahah

[fractualized]

Could you give me any Batman comic(/series) recommendations? Or Joker ones?

(You can pretend I’ve never read any Batman comics)

Man, this got me thinking about (1) the number of extended storylines I still haven't fully read myself and (2) of the ones I have, would I recommend that people read them?? Tough question! Thinking about it in terms of a Batman newbie changes things too... 🤔

Ultimately, my list is mostly one-offs apart from the mainline series, but there's a few multi-issue mainline stories in there. From oldest to newest:

Batman (1940) #1, "The Joker" and "The Joker Returns" — Early comics can feel inaccessible because of their age, but I would still recommend checking out the start of Batman and Joker's relationship for a sense of the longevity and evolution of these characters (You could also read Batman's first appearance in Detective Comics [1937] #27.)

Batman (1940) #251, "The Joker's Five-Way Revenge" — Jumping ahead thirty years! After a 4-year absence from comics, Joker returns, and I just love how his dynamic with Batman picks up where they left off like it was yesterday.

Detective Comics (1937) #475, "The Laughing Fish" — The infamous story in which Joker's mad scheme is to… copyright fish.

The Dark Knight Returns #1-4 — TBH, I'm not a fan of TDKR for various reasons. However, it had a huge influence on Batman and you should read it at least once.

Batman (1940) #404-407, "Batman: Year One" — More required reading (but I do enjoy it more than TDKR). Frank Miller's problematique is more acknowledged today, but as I said, modern Batman stems from his work.

The Killing Joke — Controversial-ish recommendation nowadays, considering the much-maligned choice to fridge Barbara Gordon, but I still enjoy the nuance it gives Joker and the meta element of the ending, with Bruce and Joker trapped in their cycle by choices that are informed by the needs of the franchise. Alan Moore may no longer care for it, but I do! (Also, I'd say read it with the original coloring.)

Batman (1940) #426-429, "A Death in the Family" — Another big event in Batman lore: the death of Jason Todd. It's one of those moments that gets flattened in various ways today, so I think it's important to see how everything actually played out. In particular, it's striking to see that Joker is initially nervous about Batman finding out what he did, and just how Bruce struggles with his no-kill principle.

Batman #450-451, "Wildcard!" and "Judgements!" — Joker's big return after Jason's murder, in which we see he's still not all that giddy about it.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #65-68, "Going Sane" — This story takes place earlier in Batman's career, before Robin. When Joker seemingly kills Batman, he tries to start a new life without his instability breaking through. Meanwhile, Bruce recovers from his near-death in a little town in the middle of nowhere and thinks he might actually stay there… but he's plagued by restlessness too.

Joker: Devil's Advocate — Joker winds up on death row, but for a crime he didn't commit! Bruce is set on proving Joker's innocence despite the clown's other sins, and Joker is too captivated by all the media attention to help save his own hide.

Deathstroke (1991) #58, "Bad Blood" — A story in which Joker causes plenty of chaos, but in service of doing something… nice?

Batman: Ego — As Bruce contemplates giving up his crusade, he falls into an argument with… Batman.

Batman (1940) #648-650, "All They Do Is Watch Us Kill" — Part of Under the Red Hood. Jason Todd's reappearance in Gotham City comes to a head when he kidnaps Joker and draws Batman in for a dire confrontation.

Detective Comics (1937) #826, "Slayride" — Paul Dini is one of the writers who consistently remembers Joker has a personality and makes him funny, and this Christmas-time story featuring Tim Drake is a great example.

Batman Confidential #7-12, "Lovers and Madmen" — An alternative origin for Joker. Bruce has been fighting crime for about a year when he encounters a bloody crime scene that he can't make sense of. Meanwhile, the culprit, Jack, is growing bored with his criminal life, until he comes face to face with a vigilante bat.

Batman 80-Page Giant 2010 (Volume 2), "Reality Check" — Is Joker really crazy? Does Joker himself even know?

Batman (2011) #13-17, "Death of the Family" — Not to be confused with "A Death in the Family." Joker tries to convince Batman that all his sidekicks make him weak.

Batman (2011) #23.1, "Time to Monkey Shine" — Joker infamously adopts a gorilla. (It ends badly.)

Batman (2011) #35-40, "Endgame" — After Joker's failure in DOTF, he decides to bring his conflict with Batman to a close.

The Joker Presents: A Puzzlebox #1-7 — The Riddler is dead, but what really happened? A heist story in which the point of view is passed around multiple rogues, but Joker is the ringleader.

Catwoman: Lonely City #1-4 — Alright, this one does revolve around Selina, but the story is deeply tied to her relationship with Bruce and what she comes to understand about him in the end. (And Joker plays a brief but key part!)

Batman & The Joker: The Deadly Duo #1-7 — A recent team-up that calls back to everything I've personally enjoyed about Batman and Joker's dynamic.

Batman: City of Madness #1-3 — Beneath Gotham lies Gotham Below, from which a monstrous mirror of Batman escapes in search of a Robin. In his pursuit, Bruce confronts not only alternative versions of his rogues but his personal demons.

[holleighgram]

Hold onto your keyboards, cause I'm about to get ✨️controversial ✨️

I'd like to preface this by saying all interpretations/ headcanons/ readings/ etc. Are valid and I'm in no way discouraging anyone to change their ways.

I watched (and enjoyed) Baloney's "The Truth About Kingdom Hearts!" And I absolutely adored their take on the series, but one line stuck out to me that I really want to expand on because I don't see it being talked about as often as it should.

Kairi doesn't like Riku.

And I think this is a very RICH and IMPORTANT aspect of the Destiny Trio dynamic. It adds to the complexity of these characters, but especially Kairi.

(Another shout out to @violethowler and their INCREDIBLE Constructing Kingdoms series. The video on"The Girl Who Never Grew Up" made me like and understand Kairi so much more. Highly recommend checking it out.)

Kairi doesn't like Riku, and with some pretty valid reasons, but I'll get to that after I compile all the evidence towards this:

In KH:

Kairi likes her life the way it is. She doesn't desire change, but Riku wants nothing but change. He wants to grow up and move on and see the outside world.

And because Sora looks up to him, Sora has jumped on the bandwagon too. Kairi is going along because Sora is. But it is clear that for Kairi, change =/= good. So what does she say?

"You know, Riku's changed."

Sora asks her how, and she kinda bites her tongue. Clearly she had opinions, but doesn't want to badmouth Soras best friend to him. Later she says, "Sora, don't ever change."

Later, after everything, when Kairi is restored and in Travers Town, she doubts that Riku can be saved, despite the fact that she LITERALLY saved Sora from being a heartless. She almost seems like she's trying to convince Sora not to go, or to at least let her come with-- not to save Riku but because she wants to be there with Sora.

At the end of the game, she obviously return to destiny islands and draws the paopu.

During Chain of Memories, everyone forgets about Sora, but the memories of Riku stay intact. For a year. Kairi is well aware that her "friend" is missing. In fact, last she knew of him, he was still taken by Ansem and presumably dead or at least suffering. She doesn't know.

She knows she's a Princess of Heart and has powers thay can help (as she restored Sora after being a heartless). But the most we get is "he's far away, but I know we'll see him again." Like, do you?

I mean, SELPHIE is the one that says "I sure miss him." That's way more than we EVER get from Kairi.

So for a YEAR, she doesn't spare Riku a single thought. But the SECOND she remembers Sora, she is willing to do anything to see him again.

Here's a little bit of speculation for WHY she doesn't like Riku:

1) Perhaps when she first met them as kids, he reminder her of Xehenort, who kidnapped her and yeeted her into space.

2) Kairi wanted to be best friends with SORA, but not Riku. She's afraid that Sora will follow Riku to the outside worlds (where she doesn't want to go) and leave her behind. If it wasn't for Riku, Sora wouldn't want to leave at all.

3) He (as far as we know) opened the door and damned their home into Darkness. That's probably a point of contention for her. Even though Sora so forgiving.

4) He hurt Sora in KH1, but Sora is still loyal to him. She probably sees that as him taking advantage of Sora-- the person she cares most about.

5) He's the reason Sora never came home. If it wasn't for him, they would have gone home at the end of KH1 together.

I can't say for sure how Riku feels about Kairi. He DID drag her corpse around and give into the darkness to save her, but that can be interpreted as solely wanting to "beat " Sora at being the hero. Even still, we get moment in COM where he reflects on missing her. We even see Namine come to his rescue in her form. I definitely feel like there is less animosity there, but who knows.

That's all.

Roast me, Kairi stans, but I love the depth this reading gives to the story and the potential for arcs and character growth for her and she is forced to face who she is without Sora.

[dotterelly]

Hey, so I just wanted to say how nice it's been to vibe with you all today. Seriously, thank you. It's been a long time since I last really interacted with any kind of fandom community, and I wasn't sure about joining one again. I've not been in the best place mentally recently, but I've had such a good time and I'm so grateful to everyone for facilitating that.

I have more to say but I'm throwing it under a cut because it'll be long and not relevant to most people here.

For a long time I've not chosen to join communities for things I liked, either because I already had friends to chat with about it, or because I just kind of felt like people would hate me (I have an internal voice that's always telling me people hate me it sucks ass). Like I seriously think the last time I interacted with a fan community in any meaningful way was the yogscast back in 2012 (yes, I am old.).

In the time between, I've had some big life upheavals and some subsequent mental health breakdowns. I've never got really bad with it, but this last year a lot of the big changes in my life have caught up with me. Turns out immigrating to America the day they closed the borders for covid to enter lockdown in an unfamiliar country with barely any local friends isn't good for your mental state. (Still worth it, I got the best husband ever out of the deal. I'd do it again every time.)

I found the qsmp at my lowest point of last year, when a situation with a colleague and a sudden change in position and responsibility at work caused a 2 week long anxiety attack in a way I've never experienced before, with a side of insomnia. I fell back on old coping habits and found something to escape into, and starting with technoblade I consumed a vast amount of media in a short amount of time, catching up with half a decade of minecraft stuff I'd missed out on. Finally deciding I wanted to follow Philza going forward, I then spent 2 months catching up on all his qsmp vods. I've not been this into something for a long time, and my desire to find people I could screech with when stuff went down brought me round to dusting off my mildly neglected Tumblr account. And I'm so glad I did. I didn't know how much I missed this sort of community.

Thanks to everyone who's interacted with me directly or with my posts in the last couple of weeks. As a heads up, I am not good at consistent tagging and I will just reblog and post any random crap I like in a sort of crazed stream of consciousness, so follow at your own risk! Also I truly intend to just vibe and not engage in any fandom drama. If I reblog anything controversial it is most likely because I'm new and didn't know, or because my neurodivergent ass did not pick up the context or subtext of the thing I reblogged. I do have opinions about things, but I simply do not have the emotional or mental health capacity to properly research situations or deal with discourse like that rn. I just want to vibe and see cool art and fics and theorise a bit and maybe make some friends if I find people I click with.

So that's a bit of an introduction to who I am and what I am about. Thank you all again so much for helping me start to rebuild myself again after a shitty end to the last year. I hope to continue this adventure with everyone going forwards! <3

[annabellelupin]

I know I like just said a few days ago I was going to step back from controversial posts for a bit but something has kind of came to my attention I'd like to address

I'm going to start of with the fact that this is not a hate post so don't get all pissed off at me for this. I'm fine with people expressing there opinions maturely but if you're just going to argue like a child I will delete the replies/reblogs and block you if needed, I don't want to deal with the drama and arguing.

Sometimes I really think people forget Barty Crouch Jr played a very big role in Goblet of Fire.

He locked a man in a trunk for weeks, turned a 14 year old into a ferret (yes he totally deserved it but the man still didn't deserve to get traumatized), is one of the main reasons Cedric died (he created the portkey-), he showed kids unforgivable curses which definitely was a bit traumatic for some of them (and seemed to trigger some ptsd for Neville), helped torture Alice and Frank Longbottom (two very wonderful people) to insanity and caused Neville so much pain by doing so.

Apparently people are defending him because his dad kind of sucked. I'd like to politely point out his mother loved him so much that she traded places with him so he could get out of Azkaban. And what does he do? Oh right, he goes right back to his old ways. I mean you'd figure most reasonable people would take that as a second chance and a reason to change, but nope not him.

... And yet people defend him and push aside the fact he's done some pretty bad things. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for redemption arcs and such, but what redeemable qualities has this man ever showed? and yes I get that he wasn't always a wizard nazi, but it's mentioned in the seventh books that a group of people who become such were doing really terrible things around Hogwarts, and one harmed Mary pretty badly. Just imagine what he did to people during his time at Hogwarts. People don't become evil over night. And unlike a lot of the des out there, he didn't have an entire family supporting Voldemorts actions that drove him to do it, he did it on his own accord.

now, before anyone goes "Oh that never happened!" or "He'd never do that!" he's some proof:

I'm not even going to bother finding the parts where he scars kids for life just because he can. I think this speaks for itself.

and someone pointed out that yes, his dad was a fucking bastard but most characterss had terrible families. I can name so many other characters that went through a lot and didn't do things like this over it. the man even had the audacity to lie about doing a lot of it. yes he was young then, but even years upon years later he made no effort to change for the better. I can almost guarantee that if he would've genuinely changed, Crouch sr would not have done half of this stuff. Like do you really think most parents would willingly do that to their children? he knew if he didn't then they'd both end up getting in trouble (not saying he should've done it, just that he didn't do it for nothing, his own reputation aside he was probably worried his son would end up hurting people again).

I really don't understand how people can defend and love this character...

but whatever. idc. i dont like him but if you do then it's whatever. I'm not going to be directly rude to you if I don't like the same characters or ships as you so don't go thinking this is me being rude to people who do like him, that's not the case. I'm just explaining my thoughts on the subject.

[evilwickedme]

As someone who’s not in the TS fandom by any means but has been enjoying the TV re-releases and album tracks, which have you enjoyed most of the re-releases and could you say more on the Red TV opinions you have?

I would say 1989 *would* be the rerelease I enjoyed the most if it weren't for everything going around it, both in the world at large and in my personal life. So we have to go with Speak Now instead, which is the album that made me a swiftie (I listened to fearless first, then debut, but SN has always been my favorite. I used to cry listening to Mean). I think the vault tracks are really strong and the discourse wasn't overbearing or really very present. And the cover art is gorgeous, I have it displayed in my living room.

As for my dislike of Red tv...... I just don't think the actual rerecord is any good. The sad songs aren't as sad, the happy songs aren't as happy, and what you get is stronger vocals that lack any emotion.

I also have complaints about specific songs. Sad Beautiful Tragic doesn't feel ethereal enough, it's too solid. She misses the first note in The Lucky One, and the vocals on that track in general are an album low. 22 and WANEGBT just lack any sense of joy whatsoever.

There are songs I like in the rerecord, don't get me wrong. And I think the vault tracks are phenomenal - which makes me a little bit sad, actually, cause imagine how much punch they'd have packed if they'd been made when the emotions were still strong and present? Because it's so clear to me that my main problem with this album is that Taylor has moved on. When she was making Red (stolen version) she was 23, had just come out of an incredibly toxic relationship, and was just trying to find herself afterwards. She couldn't sing as well as she can now, but by God did she put every bit of her soul into those damn songs. And she's just... Clearly moved on now. A song like 22 about the highs and lows of being in your early 20s isn't relevant someone in her 30s. All Too Well doesn't hit as hard when she, frankly, doesn't remember it all that well anymore.

Actually can we talk about All Too Well? Cause my most controversial opinion on this album is that I..... Don't like the Ten Minute Version. I think the production taking more of a folk tone makes the emotional punch less intense, and I think the added lyrics break a lot of the magic of the original track for me, which was the narrative of it all. ATW starts with the scarf and ends with the scarf, because it's this one piece that symbolizes the whole. ATWTMV finishes the scarf metaphor and then keeps going for another four minutes. There's a lot of things about ATWTMV I don't like but I would be willing to forgive, like the fact that "I was never good at telling jokes" onwards just sounds like a different song, or even the fact that the last 30 seconds are artificially put in there to get it up to ten minutes, when I'd have been okay with the 9:30 minute version instead. But when you mess with the story that is what made the song a fan favorite and deep cut in the first place?

Also I don't like that she's decided the lyric is "you almost ran the red cause you were looking over at me". Not only is it clunky and she has to sing strangely fast to fit it in, but "cause you were looking over me" is more effective. It makes Taylor herself seem like an object, and it also makes it seems as though he was lingering on her. "Looking over at me" sounds like it's barely a glance. And she had the nerve to not only change this lyrics on ATWTMV, but also on the rerecord of ATW (the original five minute rock inspired version)!!!!

Anyway whew. That doesn't even cover everything but those are my big complaints.

[viilocitee]

so I’m delusional and I literally just started my dive into the Roy x Wolt ship and your last post abt them was SCRUMPTIOUS so I was wondering if you could give us some headcannons for their relationship???

HI ANON, omg, sorry for the late response!!!

Uhhh... I had to look back at my posts and I don't know whether you were referring to someone else's ask about Roy's marriage options and I was like "WOLT IS HIS SEVENTH OPTION" or the one that was a Mother's Day post and it was kid Roy and Wolt haha.

ANYWAYS, I STILL LOVE THEM. It's just that I am OLD and have to age up Roy and Wolt if I ship them (went through my drafts and died a little bit from all of my Roy x Wolt drafts hahahaha), but uhhhh, I do remember my headcanons from waaaaay back until now, so here they are (if you're still interested...)

But welcome into the Roy x Wolt ship!!

Roy x Wolt (as kids)

Roy is an absolute menace and no one can tell me otherwise. He was the reason for Rebecca's headaches.

Roy constantly dragged Wolt into situations resulting Rebecca just yelling at Wolt (because he's her son) and Wolt hated playing with Roy, which made Roy sad and so Roy would bring him things to apologize (turns out they were items from other people and then just got Wolt into more trouble...)

Roy wore a lot of white because he was the Marquess's son, but his shirt always came back a darker color... Wolt's did too, but mainly Roy's fault lol

Roy x Wolt (as teens)

At one point, Wolt realized that they were in different stations therefore he stepped back to do whatever he was doing in their supports (which pissed Roy off honestly).

Wolt is taller than Roy as teen and has the height advantage until he didn't...

Roy's puberty kicks in (mainly because I headcanon his mother as Ninian and therefore dragon blood causes slow puberty?) and just becomes taller than Wolt

Idk, they make up and etc, but Wolt continues to support Roy on a more personal level too

Roy x Wolt (as adults) - This can go several ways, but mainly headcanon Roy ceding Pherae to Lilina for the Kingdom of Lycia (as stated in FE6's ending)

Roy and Wolt stay in Pherae and do whatever they have to do, but the pressure is less on Roy now since Lilina is the one who officially needs to have a heir for the Kingdom of Lycia, so they probably adopt kids and raise them as their own

OR Roy and Wolt leaves Pherae and travels (read: Smash Bros LMAO) and they have their family however they please

My personal headcanons

This is controversial, but uh... Roy tops lmao. I prefer my ships certain ways and I've been shipping Roy x Wolt forever and Roy always topped, so if Wolt tops well... I'm not interested lol

Wolt is a few months older than Roy: Rebecca gave birth to Wolt and wanted another daughter, but got another boy (Roy) to take care of, so she never had another child lol.

Only Wolt really knows Roy's true nature--I know Lilina mentions that she knows how clumsy Roy is and etc, but I'd like to think that Roy actual puts up a front around Lilina as well just so she doesn't worry, but he doesn't do it with Wolt. Essentially Wolt knows how much of a menace Roy REALLY is.

Roy is hotheaded/passionate while Wolt is cool and a bit more calm (just look at their affinities in the game. Roy's is fire and Wolt's is ice/water)

Wolt learns how to hunt and cook from Rebecca, so Wolt is a much better cook than Roy. Roy probably sets burns ice cream or something idk.

If I haven't bore you yet, I'm willing to put more headcanons I guess! But thanks for your ask--I found some drafts of Roy x Wolt that I might fix up and post :3

[rowan-e-ravenwood]

Twiddlebird? And all the other ships in it?

well, first of all: ship it, obviously, for all of them.

Edward/Oswald:

1. funnily enough, before i ever got into any Batman media, i watched a random video essay that was partially about their whole thing in that show Gotham (haven't seen it), and was completely thrown out of my chair that these two could be a pairing? 'cause, y'know, at the time i had only the vaguest notion of their characters. but, yeah, that meant that when i actually did get into it, i was predisposed to ship them, lol.

2. the fact that in SO MANY different pieces of media, they're best friends. i also enjoy their contrast of personalities, and their designs pretty much always look great together visually!

3. hmm, not that i can think of? despite it being one of my favourite ships, i don't actually have a ton of words to talk about it.

Edward/Harvey:

1. you, actually! i'd never really thought about the ship at all until i saw some stuff about it on your blog, lol.

2. well, I think that one showoffy know-it-all guy who's very committed to a gimmick and one way-too-serious guy who's very committed to a different gimmick, makes for a wonderful comedic duo and very funny bickering, but when they work well together, they are scarily effective. that's just a lot of fun.

3. again, nothing in particular that i can think of! or at least, nothing that i know is controversial.

Harvey/Oswald:

1. complete accident, the characters just ended up being in love and who was i to stop them? and now i find myself just loving the ship in general.

2. ough. couple of powerful guys who both command respect? both very stubborn and very fierce? absolutely *chef kiss* beautiful. these two would be TERRIFYINGLY good at working together.

3. hmm, i don't even know enough popular opinions about this ship to have an unpopular one! i really ought to look into it more.

ALL THREE OF 'EM:

1. well, what's better than having two OTPs with the same character, or even an OT3, but with only two connection points? just stick the other two together and get yourself a true triangle! strongest shape in nature for a reason.

2. i mean, all the reasons i listed above, but all at once this time!

3. my unpopular opinion is that NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIP and that is a TRAGEDY!!!

[riddleredcoats]

Do you think it's okay to return to Harry Potter once JK Rowling is (hopefully soon) dead? I've distanced myself from the series because of her but unfortunately I've attachment issues and keep hoping that at least I can return when she's no longer harming actual people. Btw I adore your Dragon Age fics.

First of all, thank you for reading my fics! It's such a niche subject in DA that I didn't think I'd get any readers much less the amount it seems to generate. I am glad you like them! 😊

Second of all, and I say this with all the love I have for a stranger on the internet, which is not insignificant, don't let people on the internet tell you what to do; not me, not anyone else, though I am somewhat strangely flattered that you thought to ask, lmao.

Seriously now, inform yourself, absolutely, but ultimately it is up to you to judge what you want to do and if any potential harm that it will cause is worth it. 

If you are asking me personally what I am going to do? I won't deny that every time that HP is mentioned it hurts me a lil bit - I mean, I wrote fanfic for this series, ones that I am slightly embarrassed about if only because I was such a new writer, but I did - and it had an impact in my life beyond just fandom as it helped me connect with people even when I was awkwardly shy. So, yeah, I get it. 

But, personally, I will not be buying and/or reading anything wrt Harry Potter again. The whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth that has tainted the whole series for me, even looking at the books on my bookshelf makes me wince now; maybe if that didn't happen, when she died I would return to the books, but as it is, I doubt it. I admit to a morbid curiosity as to what the plot of the game is, as I cannot believe that the writers of the game would be unaware of all the controversy (even back when they started production of the game) surrounding goblins and would make a game revolving around that... So, I will probably read a review or two, just to see what it is all about, but I will promptly (try to) forget about it. I admit that I considered getting the game through... uh, some other means, but it would just hurt me more, so I decided against it in the end.

Ultimately, do I believe that the most she can do is while she is alive? Yes. Do I think that when she eventually fades away (either by death, by letting go of the rights (which is never going to happen, lmao) or some other way) there is an argument to go back to HP? Perhaps, I am not exactly fluent in these types of things, so I would recommend someone with a better insight of 1. The Industry and 2. The Major Issues At Large (transphobia and antisemitism) and 3. What is left of her Estate when she dies and what it will do, if you want an informed opinion.

Anyway, anon, most of all I am sorry that JKR  is a horrible TERF who appears to be revelling in the hate she gets and the harm she does, and I am sorry that you feel comforted by something you cannot really enjoy anymore. 

[sheepwasfound]

anon mentioned something about his speed running which def isn’t gonna happen he said that around may or early june and it made people convinced he was going to sign a deal with youtube gaming and then he made those new accounts and nothing ended up happening and also the dreamislive website so i just thought he’d be streaming more for some reason but ig it fell through for whatever reason it was also around the time he said that something “controversial” was gonna happen which also made people thing a youtube gaming deal but who knows im hoping once dsmp season 2 starts we will get more chill streams cause the times dream mentioned it he said we would even be seeing his pov but i also dk how hopeful i feel about season 2 either at this point

it's so funny, i got this ask last night & was in bed & had a busy day -- and now that i got to it, karma's hit the speedrunning community...

yeah i never took it seriously when he said he'd speedrun casually again, i took it as one of those things many fans tell him to do and then he kinda says he might and never ends up doing it. but all the rest of the stuff with the accounts and everything he was making, it did seem like there was something going on behind the scenes there! don't know whether it was just a plan in his head or if he was working with others on it. youtube gaming never really seems out of the realm of possibility i think, not even now

i was never into dsmp lore (it was just way too much to keep up with) so i don't really care about the season 2 to be fully honest with you 😭 i'm one of those bitches that kinda wishes it'd come to an End Finale and then maybe they'd make a chill smp with just them to hang out. that's not gonna happen though. now IF season 2 is about the dream/dreamxd-george mythical love triangle sign me right up for only that part. otherwise i don't care i am sorry... it's too many people with too much lore i can't deal with it all and i'm the kinda person that i need to know Everything so i couldn't handle just keeping up with some of it

i wouldn't call dsmp lore streams chill streams anyway though! with chill i mean just fucking around, not planned lore stuff. that's what i'd like to see em do again... whether on minecraft or any other game or irl!

in the end dream mentions that he's going to do many things and he plans many things but what he actually ends up doing is usually something very different. that's life though, we'll just have to see what they do! i just want them to do Something nowwww

[tejvirani]

An artist so practiced and attuned with visual images gave the vaguest description possible. Alex didn't exactly blend in, and all that stood in the way of a meeting now was time.

"There's a few celebrities around, yeah." Tej was known in such a specific circle. Part of a Met exhibition. Regularly caught by street fashion photographers in NYC. All hardly worth mentioning. He'd glimpsed second-hand celebrity, of course. Much of what it took to maintain seemed like a pain in the ass.

Tej threw a look to the silent, ever present paparazzi: the fixed cameras. Singular eyes on the end of an antennae and focused right on them. "Wonder what's going on back home. I'd hope someone might tie together the sudden disappearances of a few famous people. You reckon?"

"I'm sure someone watched the bridge collapse. Probably jerked off to the whole thing." (Which made Tej wonder: his subs were going through the roof, but how many did his abandoned OnlyFans have now?) With a gesture once again to reference whoever sat on the other end of the camera lens, "Those stupid flowers on the cameras. On everything. Except this bracelet." But the stone somehow provided an exhale when worn. A fog of uneasiness surrounded Tej when it was off his wrist.

"I wonder what will happen to the boat. It was a waiting room, I guess. Now it doesn't matter?" As new people dropped in infrequently, and no longer through the decaying carcass of a cruise ship. Tej nodded-- yes to keeping Lokni up to date, yes to the boot up the ass their captors deserved.

Lokni shared in a way so few bothered to do back in New York (which included Tej himself). To leave without looking back was relatable. "Bold move, just the two of you leaving the rez like that. Starting up in... same state?" A lot of questions to ask, although immediately Tej didn't want to pry. A curiosity best saved when they were out of the shadow of a looming tower.

An brow arched., unusually expressive for Tej. "Mongolia? Because of th horses, hm?" His lips pressed into flat line. "Mm. Got to go to a few places I never dreamed of going to." A twist at the base of his throat made Tej question if he'd ever be anywhere else again.

His mouth shifted into a lopsided amusement. A boy and his horse. Not difficult to imagine Lokni running an affectionate hand along the soft felt of hair, the swivel of an ear and lazy swing of the tail as Lokni shared a secret with Chenoa. "Horses tend not to interrupt too much. Keep their controversial opinions to themselves. It's a nice name. Got a photo of Chenoa on your phone?" Another anomaly, the phones.

"Ever wonder what they know about us." The contents of their phones. The name of Lokni's horse. Tej's jaw hinged tighter as his hand played with the light and the dark at the top of the tower.

A flash caused Tej to briefly shield his eyes. Warmth radiated across one ear, the cheek. Much like being behind the wheel on a hot summer day with the sun mercilessly following along the driver's side. But the light aimed for Lokni, who reeled back with a shout.

A small horror: I did that. (And the first real thrill in a long time, I did that.) Instinct moved Tej a few feet away, with hands locked on top of his head in disbelief. "Fucking hell, man. You okay?" Shit, the last thing he needed to deal with was blinding someone.

His hands lowered and he took a tentative step closer. "Not sure what happened." Lokni was way too savvy for Tej to feign innocence, so might as well fess up. "The light followed my hands. Don't understand how, or why. Wasn't thinking it would get that bright." He watched Lokni, carefully searching for signs of retaliation. "Sorry."

Sarcasm was a familiar friend to Lokni- reminded him of being on the job and hearing his coworkers banter back and forth. So, hearing it from Tej made Lokni's heart ache for home, just a bit. Nevertheless, he laughed at Tej's deadpan replies, opting to switch gears and focus on the appearance factor that Tej was using to describe this 'survivalist.' "Can't say that I've run into anyone that looks like what you're describing. Not yet at least. That show rings a bell though, my mother watches it. I never sat down to watch it with her though. I didn't realize that actors and celebrities were getting pulled into this shit as well." Momentarily stunned, Lokni listened intently to Tej's retelling of what harrowing events had happened at the bridge. When he finished, Lokni let out a low whistle, "good to see that you're still in one piece. I'll be sure to thank them if I come across 'em. A whole lotta' people on this island, and more coming in occassionally. Strange that even after we came to on the ship, new people still trickle in every now and then." The inconsistencies of the island really irritated Lokni. There were too many damn variables to get a straight read on things. As Tej explained about the antenna, the gears in Lokni's head slowly creaked into motion. Someone may come looking for that. Especially if it was a vital piece to their coms system or something. "If you find anyone let me know. I'd like to give 'em a piece of my mind, maybe even a boot up the ass depending on how long it takes them to show their gutless faces." A mysterious, almost imperceptible smile flickered across Tej's lips, but Lokni couldn't really get a read on exactly why. 'I was ready to get out' Lokni turned Tej's words over in his head pensively. A chord of similarity had been struck, and Lokni felt that he could see Tej a little more cleary. Just a little. Lokni, himself, had felt similarly. Wanderlust followed Lokni like a reoccurring dream; a constant reminder of what could have been, if he had just been better. Choosing his words with hesitation, Lokni said, "I can kinda' understand where you're coming from. The reservation that I was born on was small, lacked infrastructure, had a real' bad heroin problem for some time. Probably still does, I haven't been back to check. For fifteen empty years, I walked the dusty dirt roads of that rez until we were able to move out to Oregon. We had to give up the only community that we had ever known, but it was a chance at a better life. We both needed it. We don't do too badly nowadays, but there're still many places in the world that I'd like to see before I'm six feet under." Lokni turned to look out over the overgrown jungle that stretched out before them, "this wasn't exactly what I had in mind. Given a choice, I would've liked to start with Mongolia." Lokni did his best to hide his amusement at Tej's question about the meaning of Chenoa's name. "There's a lot of confusion around that name, whether it means one thing or another, but actually I just named her after the river where I found her. There was a pretty big river that ran through the plains, had no official name but was colloquially called 'the Chenoa River.' Lucky that I found her when I did, or else I might've never met one of my closest friends. Great listeners, horses." Joking was never something that came naturally to Lokni, and yet there he was making jests and laughing at Tej's in turn. This guy was fun to be around, even if he mainly spoke in shades of sarcasm. Strangely enough, things were going well, that is until Tej raised a hand- was he- no it couldn't be- was he controlling the light? The next thing that Lokni knew was white hot pain as concentrated light roasted his retinas. He yelled out in pain, stumbling backward, his back smacking into the solid wall of the tower. He groaned, clutching his head as searing hot pain still coarsed through his eyes.

[sabraeal]

Sic Semper Monstrum, Chapter 6

[Read on AO3]

Obiyukiweek 2021, Day 2: Death Upright: Change, Ending, Release Reversed: Refusal to Change, Unfulfillment, Stagnation

A seam strains along a well-worn shoulder, so stretched he can actually hear it creak over the din of the canteen. That clinches is: that asshole’s got to be picking out too-small fatigues from the GI bin.

There’s no other way for him to look like that, biceps testing the tensile strength of cotton every time he takes a sip of his coffee. Sure, this guy’s jacked the way all the active rangers are, ready to heave 750 tons of metal onto their backs at a moment’s notice, but he’s not Mitsuhide. It makes sense when he pops buttons off his coverall, or stretches out one of their dingy cotton tees. But that’s not this asshole.

He’s lean, the kind that telegraphs that taking an elbow from him might be career limiting. There’s no reason the general issue tee should cling to his back like it’s painted on, his coverall hanging off his hips like he’s got an occupation other than freeloading. Shirayuki leans over, fingertips brushing over his sleeve with a laugh--

“Just punch him already,” Kiki drawls, “get it out of your system.”

Zen blinks, suddenly aware there’s still some Taco Tuesday left in his mouth. “What?”

“Kiki.” Dark bruises circle the skin beneath Mitsuhide’s eyes, underscoring the weary strain in his voices. “We shouldn’t be encouraging that sort of behavior.”

“Why not?” Her elbows dig into formica as she leans over her plate, shoveling rice into her mouth. At her father’s table, Kiki knows the use of every spoon, the name of every fork, but this deep in the dome, Ranger Seiran’s never met a meal she can’t inhale in five minutes flat. “I did it.”

Air hisses right through his perfect teeth, the only sign he’s annoyed besides the tense bar of his shoulders. “And you’re lucky you didn’t get caught.”

Kiki hums around the lip of her mug. “You mean like you did with Lugis?”

Mitsuhide doesn’t have skin like his, the sort that flares up like flash paper at the barest hint of sun or taunting. But still his neck flushes red as a burn, so bright Zen’s half tempted to slap it, just so he knows what it’s like.

“T-that was an accident,” he insists, even as his mouth settles into a satisfied smile. “Even the inquiry said so.”

It’s a struggle to keep his own from curling at the edges. “Only because Lugis didn’t want to press charges.”

“Only because he didn’t want it getting out that a girl ran circles around him on the mat,” Kiki corrects, each word a scalpel’s slice, excising those particulars from that shitshow with surgical precision. They can talk about this; Lugis’s challenge and the way Kiki swept him; that he was hardly on his feet when Mitsuhide somehow mislaid his fist and found it in his face, but everything else, the whys of it--

Those are all off the record. Forever. Or at least they would be, if Lugis wasn’t crawling through the dome like a stoat that’s caught whiff of an egg.

But that’s not what this is about. “And you want me to do that with that asshole?” Zen mutters. “Since it made Mitsuhide such good friends with Lugis, after all.”

“Obi isn’t Hisame,” Kiki informs him with the kind of steel in her tone that suggests she won’t be taking critique on that particular assessment. “All your issues with him are external.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he snaps, teeth gritting down.

It’s a mistake, a rookie one at that: never ask a Seiran a question you don’t want the answer to. “He’s got Shirayuki’s attention and you don’t.”

Mitsuhide clears his throat, shoulders set like Zen better plan to shelter in place. This particular storm isn’t about to hit its usual conversational breakwall. “Attention you’d have, if you hadn’t skipped out on your session.”

Zen grips the table to take that hit. But it’s not nearly the last; the stare Kiki turns to him is wide-eyed, half-betrayed. “You didn’t say anything about that.”

“It’s none of your business.” Even as the words fly from him, he knows it’s not fair, that he’s spitting nails into the wind so that they’ll hurt someone else instead of him. It doesn’t stop him, it never does, but a guilty knot settles in his gut. “The sessions are voluntary. They always have been. I don’t need--”

“Someone to keep your head on straight?” Every syllable snaps like ice, her eyes twice as cold. “That was the whole point, wasn’t it? So if something happens to us, you’d have--”

He can’t listen to this, not another word. “That was never the plan! I would never plan for you guys...”

Not coming back. For Redwood Dancer to be left a ruin on the sea floor, their bodies strapped in, hermetically sealed until the ocean wore the jaeger down to parts.

“Nothing is happening to you guys,” he grits out. “Shirayuki was always an addition, not a-- a replacement, because you’ll never--”

“No one can promise that.” Mitsuhide’s never one to throw a first punch, but oh, does he know how to end a fight. All the breath’s knocked clean out of him, and there’s Dancer’s right hand, shoveling down another bite of rice like it’s nothing. “Every time we go out there it’s a flip of a coin. It doesn’t matter how good we are, one day there’s going to be a kaiju that kicks us clean off our feet.”

He shakes his head, wishing the words would fall right out of them. “No. That’s not--”

“Zen.” He’s never heard a siren’s call, but it can’t be as inexorable as Mitsuhide saying his name in that tone, both firm and pitying and mournful all at once. “You know better than anyone. Rangers don’t grow old.”

There’s no thought when he levers himself up from the table, just up with away chasing its heels. He just can’t be here listening to this, not now, not after they just barely crawled home from another kaiju clawing its way across Korea’s shoreline. Not when he knows he should be fighting shoulder-to-shoulder with them-- that he would be if they stopped trying to saddle him with every rookie that rolled out of the simulator and finally put him with the only person that could fill that brace beside him.

“Zen!”

It’s easy to ignore Mitsuhide’s shout over the dinner rush; it’s just part of the noise, a buzz at the edge of his senses. Something to goad him, to push him out of there before either of them think to follow after. Their pity’s the last thing he needs, the last thing he wants. After all, it’s not him that won’t climb in the Conn-Pod, but his--

“Boss!”

Zen blinks, the empty corridor resolving around him. He’d let his feet carry him, their only imperative away-- and now he’s all turned around, every bulkhead the same. He’s heard about this happening to rangers when they lived in the dome too long; chasing the Minotaur, a ranger called it, three drinks down at the local hangar. And no fine little princess to give you string to find your way out.

Except he did have one of those. A person to help him through the labyrinth, even if she couldn’t show him the way. He’d been avoiding her.

That seems stupid now. It’s not like she’s on that asshole’s--

“Hey! Hey, boss.”

Speak of the devil. Zen turns, and there he is, too-tight t-shirt and all: his own personal problem. “What do you want?”

“Nothing.” He holds out his hands, as if that’s proof enough to clear him of ulterior motives. “I just...saw you head out and it looked like...”

Zen’s shoulders square, body braced like they’re back on the mat. “Looked like what?”

Obi’s breath rushes out of him. “It looked like you shouldn’t be alone.”

It’s not until he lifts his hand that he realizes it’s trembling, barely able to push his bangs back where he needs them. “Yeah? And you thought-- what? I’d want to see you?” Even to his own ears, his laugh is bitter, wrong, like it came from someone else’s mouth. “You, the guy who won’t get out of my way?”

Something ripples across this asshole’s face, too fast for him to catch more than its wake. “You think I’m the stick stuck in the mud here?” When those strange cat’s eyes stare at him, it’s out of placid waters, but that grin on his face-- it doesn’t reach them. “Rock, meet hard place.”

Zen’s hands clench, so hard his knuckles creak. “You think this is a joke? You’re trying to shove your ass in a seat that isn’t for you, and you--”

“You think I want to be out there?” He lets out a bark somewhere between pitying and derisive, arms folding over his chest. Zen takes special care not to check how stressed his seams are. “I did my time, Your Highness. I got out. I got told no one would ever look for me again.”

“Then why are you here?” Zen spits. “No one wants you.”

“You don’t know how true I wish that was.” A hand pulls at his shoulder, long fingers digging in around the blade. “But your brother dragged me down the coast because I’m not done. I’ll never be done, because I can’t sit on the sidelines and watch Snotju or Head Banger or whatever cosmic asshole crawls out of the rift wreck another wall.”

His hand lifts, scrubbing through the bristle of his hair, just a shade too shaggy to be regulation. “It’s fucked up, isn’t it, Master? I’m the one who doesn’t want to be here, but I’m the one who’s got the balls to get back in that jaeger. And you--” a cold gaze rakes over him-- “you’re content to sit there and watch the world burn just because I’m not--”

“Shut up.” He’s trembling, every muscle straining against his self-control. “Shut the fuck up. You don’t know a goddamn thing--”

“I’ve been in your head,” that asshole reminds him. “I know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“You don’t.” He can’t. “You don’t fucking know a thing about me.”

He cocks a hip, grin loaded like a bullet. “The prove it.”

Kiki’s right: in the instant where his knuckles hit that cut-glass cheekbone, Zen feels great.

Shirayuki’s office has always put him at ease; he stepped in here the first time before she’d even properly covered the walls, the tension seeping right out of him into the push carpet under his boots. There’s just something about how she fills a space-- something that has nothing to do with furniture or wall hangings or motivational posters-- that makes his brain put out whatever chemical that means safe. He’d never understood why the other rangers avoided her, not when they could have forty minutes in the room equivalent of a warm hug.

But it’s different this time.

“Izana made you call me here.” He’s ramrod straight on her worn couch, hands clenched in his lap. Or rather, right over the throw pillow he moved to sit. “Didn’t he?”

“The Marshal’s personal feelings have nothing to do with this.” Her words snap like a window on a sill, closing on that topic with a sense of finality he expected from the top brass, not their therapist. “The PPDC’s code of conduct is quite clear on the procedure to be followed after a non-sanctioned physical altercation between personnel.”

There’s a loose thread right by the fringe; he’d noticed it months ago, but never dared to tug it. Every time he’d felt the urge, he’d think of dominoes and load-bearing pillars, of the whole edge unraveling in his hands right as she looked at him.

Today, he pulls. It comes right off with a snap. “And that’s the only reason you brought me in?“

Shirayuki turns to him, one incredulous brow raised. “You were the one who cancelled our last session--” her mouth twitches as she twists the knife-- “last minute.”

Well, he deserves that one. Sure, he’s had his reasons, but Shirayuki-- well, she deserved more than one step up from ghosting. If the thought of having to look anyone in the eye after all that hadn’t made his stomach turn for three days, maybe he would have come to that conclusion before Kiki ripped him a new one over it.

“Sorry about that,” he mutters, aware with every word that it’s not enough, that there’s not enough apologies to patch up the trust he broke. “I wasn’t...ready to talk.”

He expects the clap back; yeah I got the message, or but you were ready to take a swing? But he should have known: that’s not how Shirayuki works. She’s a professional, whether that’s what he wants from her or not.

Instead he face softens, right back into his friend. “I know. What happened in the drift can be...intense.” She hesitates, teeth sinking into the plush bow of her lip. “I just wish that you had felt comfortable conveying that to me. As my patient, you’re supposed to be able to control--”

“I don’t want to be your patient.”

Her mouth closes with a grunt, hand pressed to her stomach as if he hit her. “O-oh,” she murmurs, breathless. “I hadn’t realized that you, ah, wanted to terminate our sessions--”

“No!” God, it would be nice to be able to say this all smooth like he’s sure that jacked asshole can, leaning against a wall with his hand right by her head, sexual tension rocking the Richter scale. “I just meant--” his teeth try to grind down his thoughts into something palatable-- “Shirayuki, I don’t want to just be your patient.”

He could fall into her eyes they’re so wide, rounded ‘o’s that match her mouth’s geometry. “Ah, Zen, that’s...”

“I don’t mean because I-I like you.” Even though he does, but there’s rules for that. The kind the PPDC will look the other way on, but not Shirayuki. She’s not from under the dome; she still worries about what people might think outside of it. “I just...wish you were on my side.”

“I am on your side.” Her shoulders pull straight against the back of her chair, her soft look hardening into resolve. “Which is different from telling you want you want to hear.”

He jerks back, cheeks stinging like he’d been slapped. “I didn’t say I wanted that,” he mumbles, hands clenching over his lap. “But I don’t need you to tell me to do whatever it is Izana wants me to either.”

“I wasn’t going to.” The notebooks in her lap closes with a snap, and with trembling fingers, she sets aside her shield. “Izana wants you back in a jeager for the legacy. For the unbroken line of Wisterias standing between humanity and the rift. But I...”

Her eyes lift to his, and they’re no longer the lush, leafy green of a forest, but the hard glint of emerald. “If you get back in that cockpit, you need to do it for yourself.”

It’s an effort not to say, I don’t see the difference.

“I saw you when the siren went off.”

Zen scrubs a hand over his face; he remembers. Their eyes had met over that seething mass of fear and competence, and-- and he’d been so sure that if he saw her, something more than that glimpse of red in the corner of his vision, he’d forget every inch of his resolve and go to her. That he’d just take her in his arms and tell her all the thoughts roiling in the sea of his mind, but--

But he hadn’t. He’s taken one look at her and, without even a pang of guilt, left her there. A real hero.

“Zen.” She says his name so firmly, so seriously, that his head jerks up, gaze tangling with hers. “You don’t want to be on the sidelines. You don’t want to be the general hiding being his troops. You want to be out there, Rex Tyrannis shoulder-to-shoulder with Redwood Dancer. And you could be.”

It’s his breath that’s rasping, the death rattle of the man he’s let himself be these past few years. “How?”

There’s not an ounce of hesitation in her when she says. “You have to choose to move forward.”

And cozy up in the cockpit with that asshole. He thinks about that grin, cocked with a confidence he’s never been in the neighborhood of having, and...

It’s so familiar that his double vision makes his head pound. “I can’t work with that-- Obi. I won’t.”

“I know that...” Her lips press together, bursting apart with a pop. “I know there’s no limit to the amount of people a ranger could potentially drift with, but there’s something...special when you find the right one. That there’s something right about it than can’t ever be replaced.”

He stares, head galloping in his chest. She shouldn’t know that-- there’s no way she could. Most rookies out of the academy just drift successfully once, and that’s it-- that’s their partner, for better or worse, like marrying the first kid you kiss. There’s exceptions-- emergencies, injury, irreconcilable differences-- but even though this job has a high turnover...rangers rarely die alone. There’s not enough people for a paper.

“Yeah, I’ve...heard that too.” Probably from the same mouth she did, though it seems Mitsuhide’s polished the speech since he last gave it. To him, at least.

“I understand that you have a vision of who you want beside you in the pod,” Shirayuki presses, voice growing tighter, more tense with every word. “But Atri’s gone.”

Every drop of blood in him turns to ice. “Atri?”

Her breath hisses out through her teeth, relief slumping her shoulders. “I know no one can be him, but--”

“You think this is about Atri?” A giggle bubbles up from him, bitter on his tongue. “I’ve been sitting here for weeks-- no, months! And you think all this, the whole reason I won’t climb in a jaeger with just anyone off the street is because of Atri?”

Every corner of her face lost. “Isn’t it?”

“No, I...” He pinches the bridge of his nose, like it might stem the pounding of his heart behind his brow. This whole time he’d been so careful, trying to be understood for once, to let someone see him instead of his mistakes--

But he should have known; as long as his brother is obsessed with sending him an endless parade of nobodies which he sits behind a desk, it’ll only be his hang ups hung out for everyone to rifle through.

“I should go,” he finally manages, levering himself to his feet. The room spins, his heartbeat thrumming in his ears, but he can’t stay here, not when she thinks-- when she’s always thought--

“Zen,” she murmurs, voice muffled by distance. “Are you all right?”

--That he’s pathetic. “Yeah.” He stumbles to the door, swinging it open. “I just need to--”

And of course, standing right there is that asshole, hand half-raised to knock.

“Boss,” he breathes, clearly stunned. “I, uh, didn’t think you’d be...”

The awkwardness in the office is palpable, so thick that he might as well be moving through molasses. Before this guy showed up, he’d though he had half a chance; he was practically the only one outside of K-Science that would even look at her, and his sessions always felt like more, but now--

Well, it’s no wonder he didn’t stand half a chance next to him, if she thought he was waiting for Atri.

“Don’t worry about it.” Zen pushes back him, shoulder clipping his. Or at least near enough to claim the feat. “I’d hate to keep you two from your--” date-- “dinner plans.”

Shirayuki’s breath gasps from her. “Zen, wait, we’re not--”

“It’s fine,” he lies, every muscle tense where he stands, fighting the urge to look back. “A couple of things are clearer now.”

It’s not just her. They all think he’s waiting for him, that one day he might stroll back in here like nothing happened, and Zen--

“Please.” Shirayuki’s voice trembles, and even if he’s not looking, he knows she’s at the door, vibrating in its frame. “Let’s just finish the session.”

-- and Zen’s been giving them nothing else to work with. All these years, looking like a kid stood up on prom night.

“No, I just remembered there’s something I’ve got to do.” He forces a smile on his face, giving her a bare hint of it as he peeks over his shoulder. “I’ll see you next week.”

It kills him how much hope lights in her eyes. “Next week?”

“That our appointment, isn’t it?” he says, light tone limping. “Unless I see you around the dome before then.”

“Right,” she breathes, cheeks flushed at both corners of her smile. Obi’s watching her, concern writ large in his eyes, and well-- maybe he’s not as much of an asshole as Zen wanted to believe. “Until then.”

He gets halfway down the hall, before Obi calls out, “Hey, boss...”

It’s clear when he looks back that Obi hadn’t meant to speak, but now that he has, he clear his throat, giving himself a visible shake.

“You could come with us,” he says, hesitant. “If you wanted.”

It’s an olive branch, one he doesn’t deserve. One he should take, if he wants all this to heal over without a scar. But he’s not ready for that, not yet.

“No.” He shakes head. “I wasn’t joking about having something I got to do. Go enjoy yourselves.”

This is a terrible idea.

He knows it the entire time he’s walking, the anxiety cresting the second he sees the plate on the door, engraved and letters painted black: IZANA WISTERIA. MARSHAL.

“Well,” Izana hums from his desk. “Are you going pace outside my office all day, or are you planning to come in?”

Zen lets out a rush of breath and pushes the door open the rest of the way.

“You win,” he says, all in a rush. “I’ll do it. I’ll give him another chance.”

“I think at this point, he’s giving you another chance,” Izana tells him, barely glancing up from his pile of papers. “But...I’ll arrange it.”

He nearly says, I figured you’d have it all arranged already, but bites it back. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure. And Zen.” His brother looks up, capping his pen calmly before he folds his hands over the desk. “It’s not me who wins. It’s humanity.”

“Yeah,” he breathes, meeting that steely gaze. “But I’m not doing it for them.”

For once, his brother doesn’t have anything to say.

It’s Obi who’s locked in first this time.

His cheeky smile is already waiting when Zen steps on deck, body gripped by Rex Tyrannis’s hydraulics when he throws him a wink. “Second time’s the charm, right Your Highness?”

“Third time,” Zen mutters, keying in his code. “It’s third time’s the charm.”

“Right, but you were top of your class.” A guy like Obi shouldn’t be so comfortable when he’s got twenty tons pinning him in place, not when he’s got a face just asking to be hit. “So we can shave one of those off, right?”

“Depends.” His mouth twitches. “Where did you rank?”

Obi’s grin grows stiff enough to float. “I think you’d say I’m a natural talent.”

“That bad huh?”

A laugh saws out of him, raw in the loud silence of the pod. “You have no idea.”

“I think I could take a guess.” The hydraulics hug Zen tight; even lifting to his arm to the panel is a chore. “Ready?”

“For you?” Obi’s mouth stretches into a leer.  For once, he feels like he’s in on the joke. “Any time.”

Don’t chase the rabbit. It’s Obi’s voice that says it; not the way he had before, serious and concerned, a scolding and a reminder. No, this one is a laugh restrained, sing-song. One pill makes you big and one makes you small.

There’s a faint riff of guitar, and Zen’s about to tell him to can it, that putting trash in the drift just clogged up the flow, but--

But between one breath-- one blink and the next, he’s lost in the tide, rolling through his memories rudderless. When a hand grips his shoulder and--

“I’m ready.” Zen’s always too honest, too eager but he’s young here, younger than he ever remembers being wearing the badge. “To pick up the legacy. To be what father meant us to be.”

The memory runs true, his younger self still chatting away with Shidnote, unaware that his whole world’s about to be cut off at the knees. But he’s not watching that now, he’s watching the way shadows crawl across his brother’s face, a storm front that appears and vanishes in the moments no one looks.

“About that.” Izana settles his hand on the desk, but the drumming is no longer bored but...nervous. An asynchronous beat that runs at the speed of his thoughts. “I meant to tell you. I’m being promoted.”

“Promoted” The word still kicks his legs out from under him, still knocks the wind out of his lungs as efficiently as any punch to the gut. “But I thought we would--”

“They want me in a command capacity now that Mother’s taking over Anchorage.” Izana won’t look at him. The man who has built his career on being able to stare down Orochi in Sagami Bay can’t bear to look him in the eye. “I’m being taken off active duty.”

“But--” He looks between them. “But--”

“But--”

“But--”

The memory stutters. It’s him, he’s the one who’s pushing away. He’d always thought he couldn’t give this to someone, to some guy right off the street, someone who might pity him, but it’s-- it’s him. He can’t look at this. He can’t face failure another time.

And he doesn’t know how to stop.

Hey. Obi’s voice is too close, but he’s just an outline in the drift, blues and grays fuzzing between misfiring synapses. Hey, we don’t have to watch this.

They do. They have to, if he’s going to get through this.

Right. There’s no way for Obi to sigh here, where there’s no air, but he does, long and loud. It sounds...different. Almost...feminine. I have worse. Want to see me wet the bed when I was--?

The words fuzz before they can continue. Go ahead, Obi says, sounding like himself. Take as much time as you need. It’s not like we have clocks here.

Zen can’t nod here, not without a body, but he breathes, one solid in and out--

“It’s supposed to be us.” Even with the distance of time, every word is carves straight from his flesh, laid out on a platter for his brother to see. “We’re supposed to carry on the legacy.”

“Shidnote will continue on in his current capacity,” Izana explains, bored, as if he didn’t even speak. “He’s served me well. I’m sure you’ll both be sufficiently compatible.”

“But--” Zen grits his teeth. “It’s supposed to be us. Why are you giving me an excuse--?

He blinks. He never said that. He’d been thinking it the whole way to his bunk, but in the moment it had only been a yes sir. I understand, sir.

Then why--

“It’s an excuse.” The shine’s all worn off Atri’s grin, baring the raw edge beneath. “That’s all I’ve ever been to you.”

Scrap litters the floor at his feet; he’s never known what jaeger-grade parts sold for on the black market, but he knows it’s not pocket money. This is a small fortune if someone knew where to sell it.

Which clearly Atri does.

“You’re going to blame me?” Zen’s laugh limps with bitterness. “I catch you with stolen goods, and it’s my--?”

“It’s not stolen, it’s salvage,” Atri snaps, snatching a length of steel from his hands. “It’s not like they’re using it.”

A lie-- there’s not a shred of steel or wire that’s wasted in the dome. Jaegars come with a price tag that only governments can pay, and any corner that can be safely cut on maintenance is considered savings passed onto tax payers. There’s no way he can’t know it, not after six months, but--

He doesn’t care. He never did.

“This is why you agreed to be my copilot.” Every word aches as he births them from his lips, a truth that cuts even as he speaks it. “You didn’t care about protecting your friends. You just wanted access to parts.”

Atri shrugs, the barest twitch of his shoulders. “I never said I gave a single fuck about all that hero shit. You just assumed I did, because you do.”

“But the drift...” His breath wheezes, the way it did when he was a kid, before his dad paid for all that to be fixed. “How did you...?”

“I just thought about the stuff you cared about. Friends. Kaiju. Me.” Atri’s grin turns smug. “Some of us don’t wear our heart on our sleeves, Wisteria.”

Wow. Obi’s outline fuzzes as he circles behind Atri, a single brow raised. He’s a real fucknut, huh?

His memories are jumbles, him-now and him-then all tumbled together until his first instinct is to jump to Atri’s defense. He may not be an academy-trained ranger, someone who has a lifetime worth of experience in a simulator, but put him in Rex Tyrannis and he’ll--

Steal the toilet cover? Obi offers, mouth canting into that insufferable grin. The one that always reminded him of--

Ah.

Obi darts a glance to where Atri stands frozen beside him. Jeeze, you really know how to hit a guy where he lives. You think I look like this asshole?

Just the grin, really. He’s almost a head taller, broader in the shoulders, and Asian besides. Better looking too--

Obi’s smile stretches into a leer. You don’t say, bossman?

Maybe Atri’s right. He’s got to get better about what he thinks about in the drift. Especially with someone this insufferable around.

If anything, Obi’s more amused. So it’s this guy though, he’s whole hold up you have with me? It’s not--

Against his will, Atri springs to life, mouth curled into his nastiest sneer when he says “I don’t know why you’re acting so betrayed. After all, you only wanted me to get back at the Marshal, and I played my part, didn’t I? I’m sure he’d jump in the pod if that meant he could be rid of me.”

“That’s not--” true, he should say. He can’t though, not when he’s not this-Zen, when he’s just looking out from his eyes, straight into Obi’s.

“Yeah.” There’s no spit to swallow in the drift, but he does anyway, a force of habit. “It is.”

The memory fuzzes away from him, and it’s just them now, two men braced in the Conn-pod, staring at each other through their visors.

“Right hemisphere, calibrated.” Zen blinks, watching as his hand opens and closes, the robotic voice’s dulcet tones washing over him.

“I never wanted this, you know,” he murmurs, “not if it wasn’t with my brother. That’s how it was supposed to be, me and him versus the kaiju.”

“Left hemisphere, calibrated.” His arms seem to move on his own, and it’s strange how he can’t keep the smile off his face this time. It feels good, moving like this again.

“No,” he breathes. “It was supposed to be me and him versus the world.”

“Ready to activate the jeager.“

Obi’s arms lift, a fighting stance to mirror his. It’s easy, so easy. Easier than he ever thought it could be. “What changed?”

He’d shrug, if the hydraulics would let him, but this isn’t Redwood Dancer. “Seemed like a shitty reason not to save the world.”

“Calibration complete.”

Obi grins, teeth shining bright under the lights of his visor. “Doc tell you that?”

Zen laughs. “Pretty much.”

“She’s got a gift,” Obi agrees, hands moving in sync with his. “And it’s making you feel like an asshole.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Looks like you jokers are getting along,” Kiki deadpans through their helmets. “How do you feel about taking Rex out for a drag?”

“After being cramped under this dome for months, Princess?” Obi drawls, tossing him a conspiratorial wink. “It’d be my pleasure.”

“Just give us a sec!” It’s been a long time since Zen’s talked much with the crew in CIC, but he recognizes that voice-- Yuzuri, one of Shirayuki’s friends. The peppy one with the cute accessories. The one that told him she’d give him cement shoes if he made her cry. “Let’s see if we can get you off your leash.”

He’d always liked her. Hopefully the feeling’s mutual, since she’s right next to the plug.

“Hey, boss.”

Zen blinks, glancing across the cockpit. “Yeah?”

“I know Atri was supposed to be a big fuck you to His Majesty, but...” He hesitates, thoughtful. “You drifted with the Big Guy for a while after that. Why?”

“Ah--”

It’s impossible not to think of it, the siren rising in the air, the men running past them, voices drowned out by the drone.

“I’ll do it,” he says, glaring up at the man across from him. “At least you know you’re just a seat warmer.”

“Zen--”

He blinks, the memory stuttering beneath him. That’s not what Mitsuhide called him then, that wasn’t until after--

“Zen.”

That’s not inside the memory, that’s inside his helmet. “Mitsuhide?”

“You’re out of alignment.”

He shakes his head, uncomprehending. “What do you--?”

“You’re out of alignment.” He repeats, each words strained. “You both chased the rabbit, and...Obi went straight down the rabbit hole.”

It doesn’t make any sense. “But I--”

“You have to go get him,” Mitsuhide says, dire. “He’s pointing the plasma cannon at Mission Control.”

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

i was reminded today of the quote john gave to playboy shortly before he died about how he didn't believe in cancer because he was on a macrobiotic diet and people on a macro diet didn't get cancer, and sometimes i think that if john had lived (and i still wish he did), he would have ended up one of those crackpot right wing conspiracy theorists.

he was so contrarian, so angry all the time even after his "calm househusband period," the things he said about liking parts of reagan and billy graham.. he just has the personality of someone who in 2021 would have looped over into right wing mania, and i can never tell if would have been worse to see him do THAT than lose him altogether.

So um… This is a Controversial™ ask. But I've actually wondered about this before, so here are my thoughts:

First of all: It's [sort of] True But You Shouldn't Say It. Ironically, reading about John's struggles and how his mental health and life impacted his perception of "truth" and the type of people he tended to put his trust in has made me somewhat more sympathetic towards the hardcore conspiracy theorists we see today.

Second of all: I don't really know much about Billy Graham and I'm also not the most educated person on the US political landscape of the late 70s, however, my understanding is he was "pro-Reagan" simply because he was disillusioned by Carter and didn't want him to get re-elected. Also, from my understanding, most of the atrocious shit Reagan did wasn't like part of his campaign. (He did promise to build up the military strength which is something I'd've thought John would hate but I think the Cold War is also just…… A genuinely weird period in history and it's not like Carter was planning to make peace with USSR or something). I have a very hard time believing John wouldn't've been appalled by the War on Drugs or the way the AIDS-crisis was handled.

Third of all: That being said, I do think during his house husband years he had been so isolated from the world, that he barely had an understanding anymore for "how the world works". Like, he didn't believe in evolution?? But I don't think he'd ever really been explained/read up on what evolutionary theory really means, because his comment about it was something along the lines of "And I don't believe we're descended from monkeys", which is like a classic misunderstanding of the concept. He was, however, clearly planning on stepping back into the public by late 1980, so there's a chance he would've started "coming back down to earth" pretty quickly afterwards. I also look at people like Brian Wilson and feel pretty hopeful that he still had a chance to improve his mental state, that he wasn't a lost cause.

Fourth of all: Though obviously I see the parallels, I'd be slightly careful comparing QAnon anti-maskers to whatever John was in 1980, specifically because John didn't live through the major events that led to QAnon existing the way it does today. (Namely, the entirety of Reagan's presidency, things like 9/11, the proliferation of cable news + social media, the financial crisis at the end of the 00s, the rise of anti-vaccine sentiment, Trump and his alternative facts etc etc.) He just really didn't live in the same world we do, so I don't think it's entirely fair to say well because in 1978 he thought macrobiotic diets prevented cancer, he'd be an anti-vaxxer in 2021, y'know? He might've been, but also bear in mind, he'd be 81. Even though there are obvious exceptions (*cough* Clapton), generally at a certain age you stop caring about this sort of stuff. Maybe John would've never stopped (although personally, his Reagan comments to me come off far more like the opinions of a middle-aged dude tending towards somewhat indifferent centrism rather than crackpot rightwing). We have no way to know.

Whether it would have been worse? Well, murder is never good, but I can't imagine myself personally becoming interested in his life if he was like that today. But my interest in him doesn't really make a difference in how "good" the state of the world is. From a purely utilitarian "trolley-problem" perspective, anti-maskers and QAnon have literal blood on their hands. Someone like John would potentially have a huge platform nowadays so in that sense… Hm!

Would be interested if anyone else has thoughts on this by the way!

[thevindicativevordan]

any significant thoughts on childhood bully turned villain, Conduit?

Gratifying to know I'm not the only one out there who thinks about him!

Odd to say it but Conduit was Hush before Hush was a character. A villain who starts out hating Clark Kent, only hating Superman upon realizing the two are one and the same, feels like an obvious niche for one of Superman's Rogues. Surprising that it took so long for them to fill that space, and a shame that he's never been brought back. My opinion of him is that his basic foundations are perfect, but it's the details, appearance, and the powerset which need to be revamped. Kenny Braverman was constructed as a foe specifically for Byrne's "Chad Kent, football champ" depiction of Clark and that take just doesn't work for the mainline guy anymore. His costume screams 90s with how big those shoulder pads are, much like Lex's power suit did it needs a redesign. Kryptonite as his weapon against Superman is boring, Lex, Metallo and Kryptonite Man already use that, and I'd rather give Conduit a powerset that lets him both physically and mentally torment Superman.

How I'd Approach Conduit

Background-wise my pitch for the relationship between Kenny and Clark is likely to be controversial for some, but I'll say I want to keep the bully background. Ditch Clark being a football champ however and make Kenny the one who was the Big Man on Campus. Kenny was Smallville's hometown hero, the star quarterback who seemed poised to lead them to the high school state championship. Abusing his popularity to pick on the weak and unpopular members of Smallville High meant Kenny and Clark frequently came to blows. Clark hated Kenny and resented Pa for refusing to allow him to join the football team, denying Clark the opportunity to be popular he desperately craved. Towards the end of Clark's high school career, Kenny seemed poised to be on his way towards football stardom. Colleges were making offers, all he had to do was finish out his senior year strong and he would be set. Seeing that drove Clark wild with rage, and defying his Pa, Clark tried out for the football team. However Clark wasn't aiming to actually join the team. Put on defense after demonstrating surprising strength, Clark lined up against Kenny who decided to taunt his old victim, which proved to be the biggest mistake of his life. Clark had joined football tryouts solely to hurt Kenny. He wasn't planning to hurt him too badly, just humiliate him in practice and then quit before Pa heard about what he was doing. Listening to his old bully mock him yet again however caused something to snap inside Clark, and he decided to make something snap inside Kenny in return. Clark sacked Kenny so hard he shattered Kenny's throwing arm, ending his senior season before it even began. Kenny's football future was ruined, and he ended up joining the military to escape the shame he felt from all the pitying stares his fellow Smallvillians gave him. Kenny burned with hatred for Clark Kent for destroying his dreams of stardom, and while part of Clark was regretful for what he had done, another part was downright gleeful, reveling in seeing his high school bully brought low.

Braverman would go on to work under Amanda Waller and discover the secret that Clark Kent and Superman were one and the same. This revelation caused Kenny's mind to snap as thoroughly as his arm had. Learning that the man who had destroyed his chances at stardom was now the most popular and beloved superhero on the planet was a fact that Kenny simply could not live with. Recruiting various ARGUS agents who believed that Superman represented an existential threat that needed to be brought to heel, Kenny went rogue and founded his own secret organization dedicated to humiliating and killing Superman. Kenny Braverman became the supervillain known as Conduit, someone who targeted every single loved one Clark Kent had, terrorizing Superman by crafting plots that endangered Clark's loved ones and made Superman worry that this new foe seemed to know every dark secret he possessed, including potentially his secret identity.

Conduit also should get a powerset that leans into his background as someone who was a high school bully. Seeing him again brings out the worst in Clark, all the childhood resentments Clark thought he had moved beyond since reaching adulthood resurfacing. Best way to tie that with his actual powers? Make him a conduit for the Dark Multiverse/dark matter. I want Conduit as the Superman equivalent to Scarecrow, someone who can bring your worst fears to life, except unlike Crane's hallucinations Braverman's terrors are very real and capable of hurting Clark. Metal established that denizens of the Dark Multiverse are capable of hurting Superman simply due to their nature as Dark Multiverse beings. That's a condition that offers a great opportunity for Clark to literally wrestle with his demons. I want to see Conduit pulling horrors from the Dark Multiverse and unleashing them on Metropolis. His goal is to destroy the legend of Superman, to pull down the idolization of Superman as the perfect being we should all emulate, and instead reveal him for the petty pathetic dweeb Kenny knows he is deep down.

Story wise I would love to get a version of Hush for Superman. Conduit gathers all of the Superman Rogues and is able to unify them against Superman because he lacks Lex's ego and need to be seen as a hero. Conduit is past caring if the world views him as a monster, all he wants is to see Superman beaten, broken, and dead at his feet. Using his ARGUS training, secret organization, stolen government funds, and powers, Conduit organizes a plan that will push Superman beyond his limits, causing him to fail to protect Metropolis in spectacular fashion. Offering the other Rogues the change to free themselves from Superman's constant thwarting of their plans, Conduit puts together the most ambitious attack on the Man of Steel ever seen, one Superman never saw coming.

Conduit should be the supervillain who brings out the literal and metaphorical worst in Clark. He's the villain who forces Clark to confront his flawed nature when he'd prefer not to, who exposes Clark's shortcomings to the world in ways that humiliate and embarrass Superman. Superman is torn between wanting to make amends and feeling justified in what he did due to Kenny's asshole behavior in the past and his descent into sociopathic supervillainy in the present. A sense of responsibility for Kenny's actions gnaws at Superman's conscience, this is a monster of his own making, but if he wants to try to talk Conduit down, first Clark has to overcome his own inner challenge: swallowing his pride and quelling his rage to the point he can admit he wronged Kenny, a notion that part of Clark stubbornly wants to reject. If he wants to conquer Conduit, Superman needs to conquer the darker sides of himself first.

[alicelufenia]

Minthara was my first romance (I technically started Gale and Shadowheart's, but I turned them down in act 2 before Minthara's confession), and it all started when I happened to see a way to justify my Sorcadin siding with the goblins, becoming an oathbreaker, and wanting to see what Minthara's act 1 romance was like. Afterwards, there was no going back, I had to continue the darker path to see where it leads.

By the time we were reunited in act 2 I was 100% on board, completely worth it imo. She has two absolutely banger moments in act 2 that have lived rent free in my head since November, and having romanced her earlier, made them both so much better. Minthara as an ally from start to finish is such an amazing character, and the way she changes without hitting a "redemption" point, is incredible from a writing and acting perspective (Emma Gregory is the GOAT)

By the time I finished that playthrough I got the best, or close to the best endings for everyone, including my Tav. She never gave in to despair at what she did, and spent all of act 2 in a desperate uphill climb to regain her humanity, with defending Isobel at Last Light being the turning point. By the start of act 3 she had reclaimed her oath (Devotion, using a mod to make it Oath of Glory) and was making the city and her companions better in every way, all while rocking maxed approval with Minthara (she was onboard initially with taking control of the Absolute, but ultimately decided, and convinced Minthara, that they can conquer and rule by their own might)

It was sooo fun cause that's nothing like I started the game thinking my character or the companions would go. I really thought I'd be romancing Karlach or Shadowheart, but all that changed the second I met Minthara. You're absolutely right, you can't fix her but she CAN make you worse (or better!)

When it was all said and done, if I could go back I'd do it all again. And plan to! I'm reworking Alice from a Tav into a Durge the next time I play her. Which will have to wait, I'm replaying as a "normal" good Tav to get the default experience, which already feels like a deviation or "secret" path haha 😆.

Your first playthrough will color your experience of later ones, that's for sure. Karlach and Wyll sticking around after act 1? Tieflings in Baldur's Gate? What a concept! It feels like DLC or New Game+.

Speaking of Minthara and Durge, yeeeeaah I guess that dialogue is technically still in the files, though I'm pretty sure they were inaccessible until a recent hotfix, which was reversed in the hotfix immediately after. But, while this is controversial, I agree! There SHOULD be tension between a redemption Durge and Minthara when she's the ONLY one on your side if you choose to accept Bhaal!

In fact, Minthara's disapproval would be the ONLY thing making me actually consider accepting Bhaal if I've been resisting up until that act 3 moment. As a Durge, Alice has excellent reasons not to become Bhaal's Chosen... But what if she could master it instead of denying the power? I love the thought, because in this early writing period (this will be fanfiction long before I can actually play a resist Durge run) I don't know what she'd pick! It really could go both ways, and you can't say that about most Durges, but with this one, and with Minthara, anything's possible.

So yes, even IF another companion manages to blow me away with their story, Minthara will still hold a special place in my heart, an inspiration for my creativity, and proof you can make unrepentive characters still be compelling, multifaceted individuals who make the story so much better with their presence.

Wyll: Why does Minthara call you babygirl?

Tav: Because I am her babygirl. Duh.

Wyll: You’re not worried about her past as…herself?

Tav: Everyone has past. I don’t care about her body count.

Wyll: …do you mean sex or actual kills?

Tav: Yes.

Wyll: And her future plans?

Tav: She plans to conquer the Spider Bitch’s realm. Realistically, that’s gonna take decades. Probably a century or two. All the while, I get to help her doing what I love. Destroying anything associated with Lloth.

Wyll: So nice of you to find a common interest.

Tav: It helps the relationship. You know, vibing at the same frequency.

The thing about Minthara that is so compelling about her is that she is irredeemable. She is that bad bitch.

SPOILERS

When you play as the Durge and refuse his power, she will break up with you. You can ask her about your shared love and she will mock you for it. What is love before literal divine power?

That is the crux of who she is.

I play “good” characters. Which made the prospect of romancing Minthara kinda none existent before Patch 5 rolled around. But then we got a way to get her without the mass murder of innocent people. But still, I approached the romance with Minthara much more deliberately than the others. She’s still ruthless and cruel. You want a hardass woman that goes soft for you, you gotta pick Lae’zel. Minthara will never compromise who she is.

Usually, it’s the established characters that get twisted to fit into a specific mold to romance your avatar. In Minthara’s case, I’m twisting my character to romance her. A good, male Seladrine Drow is usually a character that most people consider as far fetched as a partner for Minthara. And that’s why I like it. It’s a challenge, it makes the characters feel more real.

I guess I just wanna say thank you to Larian to writing a character so compelling.

[enha-woodzies]

➸ CHAPTER 6 | " AT LONG LAST PT. 1 "

starring: enhypen ft. i-land daniel

pairing: jungwon x fem!reader x sunghoon

genres: royal au, romance, angst, slowburn, 18th century setting

word count: 2.5k

taglist: @serendipitysung (betareader) @angeljungwon @en-sun @affectionaterainoflove @renkiv @softforjungwoo @jislix @fluffi @gyeraniee @stxrryemxlys

[ PREV. CHAPTER ] | [ M. LIST ] | [ NEXT CHAPTER ]

To be promenaded in front of the entire ton is one of every lady’s desires. From the piercing stares of the envious, to the love-struck looks of those smitten by the pair, the two most-loved couple of this season gracefully saunters from the cemented pathway and down to the grassy lawn, ever so politely greeting Northumberland with their warmest and charming presence.

The young marquess joins the young miss’ family under the canopy near the lake. With a hand draping over Sunghoon’s arm, Lord Niki mutters swears to the gods for lightning to strike upon the chap, as the gagging sight of his sister along with his most despised douche is gradually sucking the life out of him.

“Good morning!” Sunghoon greets the family and so did Lady Park. Jay gives away a polite nod followed by a toast of the teacup, whereas the almost always brooding Niki responds with an exaggerated rolling of his eyes.

“Your Grace. Always the charmer, aren't we?” Niki jeers to which Jay chokes on his warm, jasmine tea.

“The smoothest at being one, Riki.” The name rolls naturally off his tongue like a snake’s hiss that roused Niki’s ire. The boy could feel the crescendo of his spite, yet he eases it casually with a sly smirk.

“Smooth like a snake, perhaps? I anticipate those fangs in action.” Niki surprisingly snaps back. Jay clears his throat as he whispers to Niki in hopes to prevent him from further fumes, although he knows it would be of no use.

Sunghoon scoffs in return, “need I remind you that I shall deliver if provoked. However tempting that may be right now, I regret to inform you that I’m only here to promenade your sister and impress your dear mother.”

“I do hope she turns you down in the most painful way possible, Your Grace. I find my sister's taste in men quite genteel. Surely, you're aware of how opposed you are to that considering your…” Niki walks closer to the marquess to give an exclusive barb against his ear, “nasty record.” He brushes off imaginary dust off Sunghoon’s shoulder before bumping against it, “Good day to you two!”

“Oh dear, your brother is making me worried. Is he alright?” Lady Park whispers to Jay and the gent soothes their mother by softly massaging her hands, rubbing circles on the back of her palm, “he's just going through puberty, mother.”

“Is that so? I don't remember you having those episodes before. Furthermore, I apologize, Your Grace. Rest assured it won't happen again. I will definitely see to it.”

“No worries entirely. It's Niki after all, he may be a tough handful but as far as I recall he's completely-”

“Held back? Are those the words you were going for?” Jay cuts off. 

“You're quite forgetting the fact that I’m right here.” Y/n attempts to intrude only to be silenced by her brother once again. With his head held high, Jay saunters up to Sunghoon, who is almost the same height as him. Locking eyes with the chap, he simpers, “come, Your Grace, I require a brief moment with you. Excuse us for a bit, sis.”

And with that, the men left the canopy, leaving Y/n and her mother utterly baffled with the uncalled tension.

The sound of paper being folded into an almost crumple echoes around the parlour, where the only sound that existed prior was deafening silence from the three men sitting across each other.

The culprit was none other than Yang Jungwon, who appears to be insulted from what he just read. Throwing off the now crumpled paper, Daniel perfectly catches it mid-air and opens it in haste.

Sunoo takes a gander at the Daily Tattle’s contents that Daniel incoherently mutters. Jungwon carefully studies his brother's reaction as Sunoo’s smile quickly transforms into shock, followed by the furrowing of his eyebrows with his mouth ajar; the final gesture, shooting a questioning look-- with his mouth still ajar-- at one of the scandal’s subjects.

“Surely, me asking two dances from you was already too cheap but, one, brother? Are you seriously being expensive right now?" The eldest exclaims.

"One that is very exclusive and controversial, might I add." Daniel chimes in. “What was all that about?"

"Remind me why I need to explain myself to the both of you?" Jungwon monotonously replies with his eyes fixed on the book he was now reading.

“Because we ought to know?”

“Well, if not to us, at least to Y/n?"

“Good god. Why is she in this conversation all of a sudden?"

"Because you pulled a dick move on her and we ought to know what's going on inside that brain of yours! You're so dense. Must we shake you up to shrug off those lil rust in there?"

"Oh, shut up, Daniel."

“That thing you did there? With her? Was very unlikely of you, Jungwon." Sunoo stands from his seat and transfers to Jungwon’s side on the couch.

"Well, what is like me then?"

"Spit it out or Daniel and I are gonna have to annoy you for the whole week.”

Jungwon slams the book on the couch and lets out an exasperated sigh before grunting out loud. "I just wanted to be alone with her, okay?! Are you pleased now?"

"Wait. You like her, don't you?”

“No, I don't! And I would never for heaven's sake."

“But you want to be alone with her. Isn't that what people do when they're in love?" Daniel rubs his chin in thought.

“Oh, god! Whatever lets the both of you sleep at night then. Assume the worst for all I care." The heated gent lifts himself up from the couch and strides towards the exit.

“Where are you going?”

“Away from the two of you. You won't stop annoying me either way, so I’m gonna get myself some cleaner air.” Jungwon slams the door shut behind him for a relieving walk to the woods.

“Now he's mad.”

“All we ever said was the truth, didn't we?”

“He is pretty rusty, alright.”

Y/n visits the Kielder Forest once again to run away from the stressful men of this morning’s promenade. She could've stayed in her fortress, but because of their foolish ruse, she had to show up. Now her brothers had to meddle with the already confusing mess.

Pages from the borrowed Austen book are now being flicked through again. She couldn't concentrate no matter how hard she tried, as Niki’s words still lingered in her mind.

“What nasty record could he have?” She mutters under her breath. Soon after, crunching of leaves startles her, and she realizes her whispers weren't the only noise around. Y/n dashes out of her sheer fort only to be welcomed by her most coveted man ever.

"What are you doing here?!" Jungwon asks in an angry kind of worry.

"What are you doing here?"

"Taking a walk, obviously?"

"Well, I’m reading. Obviously." Y/n sassily blinks at him, to which he returns a slightly puzzled look.

"You're much aware that you shouldn't be here, let alone unchaperoned, right?"

"Well, good thing you're here!"

Y/n crouches down to re enter her fort now that she has a guest. She softly taps the extra pillow, gesturing Jungwon to join her in a momentary bliss. One that is very rare when it comes to the both of them, and something that the young miss has found herself accustomed to now. When it comes to Jungwon, he'll just leave her begging for more.

Was it simply luck that had caused him to turn down this pathway? Whatever it was, he didn't feel the need to complain. As of now, all he ever wanted was a piece of mind from his brother's interrogations about him and Y/n. Not fully realizing that the very person who triggered him to rush out of his house would be the one he was impossibly hoping to run into.

"You still have that?" Jungwon points his lips to the book she was flipping. She had borrowed it from him and had yet to return it after all these years.

"Are the inclusions still there?" He continues. Although he wishes he didn't. He recalls all the little notes he left on his favorite pages just to get his feelings across and now he chuckles at the mere thought of him playing Romeo.

"They are. They're kind of tattered now, but they're still comprehensible. You do have a remarkable penmanship after all, something that's very impossible to miss."

The boy chuckles at the thought. "You do mean those things you wrote here, right?" She concerningly asks to which Jungwon only shrugs his shoulder with lips shut tight. "Well, don't mind me 'cause I'd like to think that you did."

"Suit yourself." He mutters. Little did she know he was smiling to himself with flushed cheeks.

The boy looks around the interior of the fort while whistling to the air, followed by a few jabberjays mocking his tune. They chuckle over the memory and realize they had traveled back in time.

"Jay's going to get aggressive with me on fencing once he hears about this. I've been conspiring to keep his sister hidden." He playfully smirks.

"Do you remember we used to do this in the garden lawn? Playing hide and seek just to get a glimpse of Jay's maddening face." Y/n reminisces the good old times they both used to share. Although there were petty fights here and there, what conquered most was their endearing bond.

Jungwon looks over as he vividly remembers that exact memory, "and we ended up building a fort out of the picnic sheets we used to hide in and officially made it our castle" he adds.

"I've forgotten what it's like to feel young." Y/n lets out a deep sigh, minding the pressure she's bearing now that she's about to be offered to the life-long commitment that is marriage.

Jungwon looks over her, feeling all concerned with the worries that she might be facing as of late; things that he wouldn't have any knowledge of as a man.

Society has dictated women's place in the world as persons who are supposed to be emotional, submissive, and homely; something very opposed to those of men. Knowing Y/n well enough and how she enjoys her liberty, her own principles, Jungwon worries her future companion, if not him, would find her very indifferent and of no use in the long run.

And it pains him to think that she wouldn't be well off with someone even worse than him.

She deserves more and he knows that fully well.

"Well, I, for one, miss moments like this more than anything." He lightens the mood in hopes of seeing that beautiful smile on her face.

As he turns to her, the two lock eyes. In that moment, Yang Jungwon swore of laying out his long-hidden sentiments. Under normal circumstances, he would speak his mind. But with Y/n looking at him like this, he would most likely fuck things up.

And he fails himself yet again.

"So uhh… you and the duke-to-be, huh? That must be thrilling." He looks away and pretends to play with the twigs on the ground.

"Y-Yeah! Yeah, indeed, it is. The promenade went well today… before the two decided to sabotage it."

"Do tell."

"We're all aware of how Niki ultimately detests the marquess, aren’t we? He kind of uhh… insulted the man in front of mother."

"And… Jay?"

"Stole the marquess from me to have a word with him."

"I reckon he had many words with him."

Y/n chagrins at the imagination of Jay going head to head with the marquess. Being the overprotective one, Jay will go out of his way to expel threats in the family.

"You seem to be clearly aware of that. Yet you entertained His Grace anyway. I pity Niki. He must be going through a loophole of shit again, now that his dear sister's off strutting with that man." Jungwon blurts out, though he wishes he never did… again.

He is clearly rusty and he kind of admits it now.

"That man? Whatever's the matter with all of you?! You dare speak of him like you know what happened between him and my brother-"

"Y/n, we all went to the same university. What makes you think I know nothing?"

"That man you're referring to was just the man who saved me from an embarrassing night, no thanks to you."

Jungwon scoffs at her pettiness.

"Don't turn away with those remarks now. You toyed with me that night, left me there with nothing but utter shame to bring home. I'm sure you're very proud of that now."

Promenading would be every woman's desire, indeed. But being ghosted or fled from is something that every woman fears, especially when they've been shunned by someone they adore the most. Such shame and reproach haunts them for almost the rest of their lives, especially when the ton won't let them sleep at night with that reminder.

"Have you not at least any bit of politeness left in you? You must be ashamed, asking my brother for such favor that you cannot even put through yourself."

"I have my reasons."

"I highly doubt they're even valid." Y/n retorts. Jungwon sighs in exasperation, finding the situation rather unnecessary that he'd rather keep his mouth shut. She deserves to let her anger out after all.

"Whatever happened to you?" She mutters under her breath, looking over to the boy who kept his head hung low with his elbows leaning on his raised knees. "Sometimes, I look at you and see a completely different person. You know, I never learned to read your mind, Jungwon. So stop giving me all these silent treatments as if something happened even though nothing ever did."

Jungwon lets out a sharp exhale before poking his cheek with his tongue. "Stop seeing Sunghoon then. If you care so much about your brother, stop frolicking around with that scoundrel."

Y/n scoffs at him, followed by the rolling of her eyes, trying to stifle an untimely tear from falling.

"You're unbelievable! Just so you know, I've wasted many sleepless nights crying because of your stupid ass, and I still do for heaven's sake! But now it's very clear to me that there's no amount of crying left that I can do for you!"

Y/n groans heavily before standing up from the pillow she was sitting on, throwing the Austen book hardly on the cold ground.

"So much for hearing nothing but the truth from you, huh? I despise you, Jung. Very much."

She runs off from the boy for what seemed like the nth time. For the past years, this exact scene had happened. Jungwon closes his eyes and lets himself fall harshly on the pillows. He raises a hand over his head, looking at the gaps between his fingers thinking of how he let her slip away, again. He drowns himself in deep thoughts, all the while trusting that Y/n will forget this day ever happened, like before.

He knows she will.

At least, that's what he tells himself.

Though deep down, his stomach churns in fear.

And there's no one to blame but his damning pride.

*send me an ask or a message if you wish to be added on this series' taglist!

ㅡ © ENHA-WOODZIES, 2021