#never apologize! that is what this blog is for!
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This is Pansear (if you want proof, look at my pinned blog; I'm well aware that there are a lot of imposters out there). I wish to say thank you for being open minded while also acknowledging that- yes- I did fuck up at times. I didn't treat Azriel the best. I was selfish towards the MAP collaborators. I wasn't a particularly great person in general- all that I admit, and I have my own separate posts for those. Overall, I'm sorry.
The harassment was too much and the screenshots were obviously fake. It wasn't fair to me. It wasn't fair to anyone either including those who believed were fake too, even to future potential victims of allegations and former victims of harassment campaigns. I left not in admittance of guilt, but to everything else that has boiled over (again, I detailed this in a post).
I know there's people beaming to know that I'm alive and well (and of course, people who are angry that I'm not). I just want to say that I'm sorry for having to leave everyone in the dark for so long, and that I was basically a POS back then.
It saddens me as well that this whole situation not only affected me- it has affected most of the fandom. It has affected the other artists, who no longer feel safe and comfortable. It has affected my friends, who missed me and feel lost in the dark. It has affected my fans, who worry about me and feel so conflicted about everything. It has affected friend groups who are distanced in their conflicts.
Even for the things I didn't do, I still felt horrible. There were no winners in the end, and any winner I could describe are those vile people hiding behind anons who have hurt the most.
People can already predict that I will never return and that is definitely the case. Not just for the sake of my well-being, but I believe it's for the best for everyone in general. It's been far too long that I danced through the harsh weathers- some strange fucked up game of ping pong, and it's time to put it to rest. I don't care if people will hate me still, all I care about is everyones' safety and for those who have been hurt to heal from this.
I have no real say on the Emily side of things. Indeed what she did to Azriel was irresponsible, but she doesn't deserve the harm and harassment she's got and been getting. Nobody does. Not even my calloutters and my harassers. Looking at their responses and posts just makes me feel bad. I can't help but feel sorry for them.
I hope you yourself are doing well. To all others reading this, I hope you all are too. The fandom isn't the same but I know love can persist somewhere. I am leaving it all up to you to make this place so much better, and that one day everyone can laugh again.
For now, I'm hoping things can rest.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing alright. And as you’ve said: Yes, you have done things wrong, but the actions taken against you were far beyond the pale for what you actually did.
An apology backed by action towards self-betterment is a good apology, & is what you’ve shown to be doing, though I truly wish that the cost you’ve had to pay for this all wasn’t so steep. I hope that you’re still able to find enjoyment in your art still, & hope that you’re able to heal from all of this, even if it takes a good bit of time to do so.
May the path you walk no longer hurt to stand on, & may you find yourself at peace with all of it some day.
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Once again I apologize this is not a Taylor update or a Taylor related post at all… but some people have gone way out of line and are crossing so many boundaries.
These days have been so hard for everyone so can we please not make it even more difficult for people to stay alive lol. Our notifications are on fire most of the time, we don't see everything but we do see the think pieces and the shitty things that you say and write about us. Including horrible speculations about us. What we've seen in the last 24 hours has been so insane and disturbing to put it lightly.
I'm gonna talk to you as a regular Swiftie and as a human being for once: I've been feeling very devastated, for so many reasons. It sucks when people hold update fan accounts to certain "standards" they've created in their heads. For most of us, our blogs are just fan accounts aka side tasks we do for fun. This is tumblr, so please try not to take it that seriously.
I want to thank everyone who supports our blog and interacts with us. We never thought that this blog would grow as much as it has! We love all Swifties and we are so grateful for all the support you have shown us, thank you.
#if you happen to see our comments turned off that's because we don't have another choice to avoid harassment.#people hate us for the most ridiculous reasons & we're used to it but making things up about us to feed your hatred mindset is soooo#i need a drink
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Poison - JJK (18+)
Pairing: Jungkook X Fem!reader
Theme: SMUT, Angst, unrequited love
Wordcount: 1.1k+
Summary: In this world where being loved by the person you love is rare - being touched by them is a luxury. You will allow yourself this luxury tonight.
Warnings: drinking, drunk jungkook, drunk reader, fingering, tits stuff, no penetration in here tho, Jungkook is crying, btw. NSFW!!
Minors are not allowed in this blog!!
A/N: Just a little piece of angst.
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The world swirls all around you as you make your way through the deserted and almost dark corridor of the pub. Even though your shoes are rubbing against the floor, you feel as if you are floating in the air.
There are more than a thousand thoughts that are swirling inside your head just like the world around you.
What is happening?
When did you drink so much?
Is it the cocktails or the shots? Must be the shots. Has to be the shots.
But you take pride in the fact that you are still the most sober one in the group - everyone else is a complete mess by now.
And you know you will feel even better if you puke a little.
But first, you gotta find Jungkook.
It has been almost thirty minutes since he has been in the washroom. Given the fact that he is the biggest mess tonight, you are concerned.
As you reach the men’s washroom, you straighten up. The thought of seeing your friend alone for the first time tonight sobers you up a little.
Inhaling a sharp breath, you call his name out loud enough to be heard from inside. You call him once again … then once again but to no avail.
Worry cuts through the delicious buzz making you a little more sober. Suddenly, you don’t feel like floating in the air anymore.
You push the door a little, ready to apologize to anyone who glares at you for entering a washroom that’s certainly not meant for your gender. But thankfully there’s no inside.
You step in.
Now that you are in here, you hear muffled sniffs from somewhere inside the stalls.
“Jungkook?” calling him again, you push the door of one.
“Jungkook?” then another one.
And when you push the third door, you find him couching down on the floor with his head between his knees.
Your heart stops at the scene.
Jungkook is crying as if his entire world has been snatched from him. This is not an exaggeration because Sun Yeong has certainly been the center of his universe … just like once he had been the center of yours.
When he found out she had been cheating on him, things went radio-silent for an entire week. None of you and your friends could reach him no matter how many calls or texts or visits you have showered him with.
Then just two days ago, he popped up at the group chat, asking for a meeting at your regular pub. He said he was fine and wanted to get wasted but with one condition - no one gets to ask what had gone wrong between him and his ex.
You had felt like a lowly, selfish creature of dirt then. You had been happy with the news. That one unresolved crush back from your high school could have a chance of being reciprocated.
You could give it a shot after all these years of convincing and confirming yourself that you have moved on. You could ask him to look at you not only as a high school friend but as a woman who could be a love interest of his.
But while drinking Jungkook declared he will start blind dating with the women his mother chose as his potential future partner.
And his mother - for some reason - has never liked you much.
The light of hope that once flickered inside of you - went out without getting the chance of turning into a raging flame.
You were always glad for not turning yourself into a pathetic little girl in love with your high school friend, you always knew your limits, you always kept him a hand apart - a safe distance.
But right now as you see him all broken - pathetic - vulnerable - you don’t know how longer you can control yourself.
“Jungkook.. Hey. Look at me.” you couch down in front of him not giving a damn about hygiene.
He looks up at you with blood shot eyes, “Y/N..” this is the softest he has ever called your name.
“Y/N.. It hurts so much. It hurts.” Jungkook sobs again.
Even at his worst, he still looks so beautiful that your heart lurches inside your ribcage. His soft, black hair framing his face, his large doe eyes glossy with tears, his soft mouth trembling.
You wish you could kiss him for once.
“I know, Jungkook. But you know, everything happens for a reason. Maybe you will find someone better? Someone who will love you more?” placing a hand on his shoulder, you try to calm him down.
“But I- I Lo-loved her so much. I can’t I just can’t-” he chokes out another sob.
“I know it’s hard. But the sooner you accept that she is not yours anymore, the better it will be for you. I am here. We all are.”
Jungkook doesn’t reply, he stares at you with those eyes.
You suck in a deep breath - somewhat knowing where will this head.
“Y/N” Jungkook breathes on your lips. He is impossibly close to you now.
And then he is kissing you. You kiss him back.
At first the kiss is soft and slow but as time builds - builds the tension.
Jungkook’s kisses turn harsher, angrier, rougher. You know he is trying to take out his frustration through this - on you.
And you are completely okay with that.
Jungkook stands up, pulls you up with him, without breaking the kiss. He pushes you on the wooden partition of the stall.
His mouth travels down the path of your jaw, then throat. His hands start unbuttoning your shirt. Pulling your bra cups down, he gropes one of your tits and twists your nipple.
You moan his name.
His mouth travels further down and reaches your breasts. He takes a nipple inside his mouth, sucking on it deliciously. Your fingers card through his soft shiny hair.
You know this is a one-time thing. You know Jungkook probably won’t even remember any of it tomorrow and that’s better.
If he does remember - you can always blame it on the alcohol.
Even when his hands move to your pants, then inside your panties, then inside you in swift lewd in-and-out motions - you give him access willingly.
You don’t think twice. You don’t think at all.
Because in this world where being loved by the person you love is rare - being touched by them is a luxury.
You will allow yourself this luxury tonight.
In the back of your mind that one song plays in full volume, “I pick my poison and it’s you.”
Yes, just for this one night, you will drink this poison called Jeon Jungkook until you die.
@phenomenalgirl9 @variety-is-the-joy-of-life @chimchimmarie @coffeedepressionsoup @meowstake @vonvi-blog @nochuel @chimmisbae @i-have-no-life-charlie @mikrokookiex @jjk174 @lallataegi @savageyoongi @jwnghyuns @parapiop7 @futuristicenemychaos @armystay89 @purple-realms @ryryvna
Permanent Taglist:
#bts smut#jungkook smut#bts angst#jungkook angst#bts x reader#jungkook x reader#bts fanfiction#jungkook fanfic#bts x you#jungkook x you#bts oneshot#bts jungkook#Spotify
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911, a confession
Let me start by saying that I don't really know what I'm doing here, so bear with me. If I actually go through with posting this, and you find yourself tagged and wondering who I am and why, or even if you happen upon it in the tags, I hope you take a minute to read this.
You don't know me, but you've been my community for a while now. I've checked your blogs daily for years, I've read your posts and loved your art and sent you countless anonymous asks to pick your brains- never hate though, because I'm not a Freak.
What I am, however, is a lonely lesbian with depression and (newly diagnosed) OCD, who has always needed some hyperfixation media/fandom to find life bearable. For some ~fun context, I was Raised by the glee fandom, I will die on the hill that watching queer as folk when I was 14 and discovering its fans 10+ years after airing made me who I am, I've got the most bizarrely timed stint in the 1D fandom under my belt, and I find nothing in the world more interesting and also affirming than Queer Reading (verb) media- to the extent that I earned an English degree and wrote a thesis specifically about it.
I haven't posted on here in 1.5 years, since I fell out of my previous fandom (apologies to anyone from said fandom who still happens to follow me and is seeing this, feel free to move along.) But I've been on this app every day since, because of 911.
(starting the read more here to spare you- again especially if you are tagged, I know you're probably feeling miserable rn but I do hope the entirety of this love letter reaches you)
I started "watching" mid season 5- by which I mean I was in a deep depressive state after disconnecting with previous media hyperfixation and, when I happened upon 911 trending while in need of distraction, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole. Tale as old as time, tumblr dot com convinces you that you need to tune into *insert media here* bc its fun and there are gay people! I caught myself up through all the big blogs and by the time May Day was airing I felt like I had a decent grasp on all the lore, all the fandom drama, all the places the writers were "definitely, so brilliantly" going to be taking the show that we had to look forward to, all without ever having actually seen an episode of the show (before you boo me, yes I've watched it by now, even season 1)
But I think it is important, and also a little messed up, that I fell in love with 911 through YOU, through the fans. Obviously watching the show initially through the lens of fan reactions first and not whats actually happening on screen can have some... interesting results. We've heard it all before, with the people who started watching specifically for Buddie around season 4/5 because they saw The Will and by the time they caught themselves up and watched the end of season 6 they wanted their refunds.
Here is where I want to make a clarification- the reason I got so interested, why I started coming back every day to check in on tags and certain favorite blogs I didn't even follow bc I was denying the want to become fully Involved, was because I fell in love with Evan Buckley. I won't lie, it was Buddie that caught my attention first- of course, thats what everyone here was talking about- and as much as I quickly started discover the value of the show outside of them (Henren my absolute Beloveds!!!!! Captain Dad Bobby Nash you are so special to ME. Chimney man of all time i can keep going) none of it was enough initially to bite the bullet and catch up on 5 seasons worth of a show I also knew would have elements I WASNT interested in (Copaganda and Taylor Kelly I am looking at you.)
But then I started really getting into fan's readings of Buck *insert footage of me learning the Buck Begins of it all for the first time* as a character separate from Eddie (as much as people were capable of anyway, and I will say some of yall continue to be absolutely atrocious at it) and I knew I was done for. Buck, this character so full of goodness, and his need to be Found but to also Find his own family and purpose and sense of self, for whom the show's thesis statement concerns the act of working to Make the kind of Love you want to have in this world, even if you were raised without a blueprint for it- I'm sorry but what else were me and my gay ass queer reading inclined hyperfixated brain to do other than take Evan Buckley into the folds and never let him go?
I love Buck. I was convinced by the time the s5 finale was airing before I had actually watched the show that Buck had to be bi. Even if they never did a thing with it you couldn't convince me otherwise and I was also confident that Oliver was portraying him with a similar mindset. I never wavered in that interpretation, even when the utter disappointment of the s6 finale and the failure to do anything truly meaningful character development wise through the lightning strike-Natalia speed run hit, and certainly not as I got fully caught up actually watching the show outside of tumblr live reactions during episode airings. I'll admit I was pretty ready to Check Out after the end of season 6, to the point where I hardly checked in on fandom at all going into 7 until the rumblings of possible canon Bi Buck reached me and I doubled back like "hold on, for real this time?" But when I say Check Out, I mean I was ready to walk away from the hyperfixation with a joint lack of satisfaction with canon & firm conviction that Buck was queer.
Things with Eddie are a lil different- and I want to try and keep this bit brief bc this is ultimately a post about Buck and Bucktommy and I have no interest in unsettling those of you who may have a queer reading connection to Eddie as real as the one I feel for Buck, but unfortunately this conversation cannot exist separately from the Eddie/Buddie of it all- I personally don't think Eddie is queer. I don't really think I ever did, even when I was in the thick of it with falling for Buddie. I know me saying this would cause certain audience to pelt me with accusations of fetishizing Buck or treating Eddie as nothing more than a vehicle for Queer Buck via Buddie- false! I actually think Eddie is an incredibly fascinating character, a deeply compelling representation of grief and fatherhood and masculinity, and also a hilariously weird lil bitch guy. I just don't feel like- especially having removed fanon glasses while actually starting to watch the show, and taking the time to acknowledge that the things about Buddie that appealed to me on a romantic level (this is NOT about their friendship which i stand by being beautiful and important) all boiled down elements I was reading within and onto BUCK specifically, not Eddie. Perhaps an impossible concept for some, the idea that Bi Buck could feel so real and apparent to me primarily divorced from the idea that Eddie had to be queer as well, but I won't bore you with my explanations for it, though I suspect the people tagged and still reading by this point know exactly what I am talking about.
All of this potentially obnoxious prologue to say, I've spent the last however many months falling in love with canon Bi Buck *insert footage of me speed running back into my daily fandom involvement/blog check ins the moment I knew Buck kissed a man*, with Bucktommy, and with Bucktommy fans.
For a long while there I had resigned myself to an odd, though perhaps not as unique as I thought, reality of loving and fully believing in Queer Buck, not necessarily feeling the same about Eddie or Buddie, but also in full agreement with many that already 6 seasons in with literally nothing else having remotely worked, Buddie would be the only satisfying conclusion for Buck's love story. This is again not exactly how I felt about Eddie- but a big part of that for me is that I don't think Eddie's primarily story in 911 is a love story. He's the vessel for telling other important, beautiful stories about fatherhood and forgiveness and that is OKAY bc not every characters story is a love story!!! Evan Buckley's is though (Despite some very weird and confusing things mr stark has just said about his character that actively contradict what hes previously said and what audiences have been looking at and for this entire time, but I digress)
But then! By whatever happy accident we want to call it 911 had Tommy Kinard fall back into its lap as the solution to what felt like the impossible: They found the ONE way they could introduce a non Eddie Diaz love interest for Buck that COULD be satisfying for Bucks story. Someone with connections to the 118 and the shows history and potential for further development within main storylines as his job directly pertains to their plots. Someone with such compelling connections for interweaving these two characters that it got us- including the showrunner- talking about the Red String of Fate. That it got some of the beloved tumblr pals I had been watching for years, who NEVER would have believed they'd ever root for a Buck endgame that wasnt Buddie doing exactly that, and with joy, love, and conviction. Again I'll ask, what else were me and my Buck loving brain to do but take Bucktommy into the folds and never let go? (apparently I hadn't considered that there was apparently horrifying alternative- more on that next!)
As you all damn well know, falling in love with Bucktommy has not come without its trails. I have never seen things in fandom as vile as the things I've seen go down here. And as I mentioned before, I've been IN IT with yall for a while, even if you didnt know it. I was here, lurking, and I know this fandom has had its highlight reels of racism and misogyny and harassment (despite certain factions current batshit consensus that things were "never bad" before *gasp* a couple of people, some over the ancient age *double gasp* of 30 heard about bucktommy through tumblr the same damn way the 90% of you who havent been watching since season 1 heard about buddie and decided to invest)
What happened tonight made me cry, for about 40 minutes straight. And yeah, its been a devastating week for us all for a lot of reasons. On top of the ~national dread (I'm a lesbian in the US btw) today was my 7th out of 9 straight days of open to close shifts in a demanding retail/management position, and I have a head cold so maybe this was just a Breaking Point after a whole lotta shit.
But also, maybe, it was really fucking shitty to watch this play out. I've already seen countless people say it better than I could. Yeah, its a tv show. It's a fictional ship. But its also escapism, a spot of joy many of us were extra dependent on this week. It was something GOOD, queer representation and a love story on national tv days after a horrifying reality set in for queer people, and we are allowed to acknowledge how much losing that sucks just on a general level for a second...
Second over, now lets talk not on the general level. Lets talk about how I've watched real human beings get harassed, sent death threats, be told they are faking cancer and failing to properly grieve dead loved ones, I've watched deeply homphobic language be adopted and incorporated into everyday use despite constant correction and pleas from queer men to knock it the hell off, I've watched homophia as a whole run rampant and unchecked by big blogs, with some biphobia to boot, I've seen some images of horrific anti gay violence and historical trauma invoked as a way to make fun of others, I've seen lesbianism slandered and proffered as an excuse for such vile behavior in a disgusting erasure of the beautiful solidarity that has historically existed between gay men and lesbians in the face of homophobia, and yes, I've seen graphic descriptions of child rape via targeted fanfiction attacks.
Again, others have already said it better than I can: This isn't about Bucktommy. It's about the way that everyone who was Pulling for them as a couple, who DARED to *checks scribble on hand* enjoy a canon queer mlm couple featuring a character (or two) they've grown to care deeply for, has been subjected to all the above mentioned and more, and for...what. For. What.
In the name of a fanon couple that has not been legitimized by the writers in 7 years? of a fanon character interpretation of a canonically straight man (not just assumed straight, verbally assigned straight now on multiple occasions) that people cannot fathom perceiving this show, let alone liking these characters, without? For the version of this story that, if the writers REALLY wanted to happen could have happened so many fucking times by now- especially when the show was coming to what might have been its end in s6- and still hasn't? A version that has been dismissed multiple times by the writers cast crew and every other unfortunate individual who has been harassed repeatedly about it?
And I'm not here to say Buddie is inherently bad!!!! It brought me into this same as the rest of you. I don't even believe it would necessarily be a bad or wrong conclusion for either character or the show were it to eventually, finally happen!! But for the love of god, hear me when i say from the outsider pov of someone who has experience the show in the way I did first through fandom then stepping back to watch for real and now watching it with my mother who is a near Exact representation of the general audience of this show (experienced Procedural watcher, no idea about Buddie or fandom interpretation, had no sense of gay eddie to speak of, and is not shocked but pleasantly surprised by and endeared by Bi Buck) you are SEVERELY deluded if you think what happened tonight by breaking up Bucktommy "makes sense" to any audience outside of buddies who've been writing manifestos for years about how every single thing in this show is "carefully, intentionally, clearly" leading to Buddie canon. I swear to you the people at home do not fucking see it. The people at home saw Buck in a nice, developing relationship that finally seemed to be going somewhere real for him after discovering an important part of his identity late in life, and then they saw that relationship abruptly ended and Buck heartbroken, going to sit with his best, still straight, bud Eddie Diaz. The ONLY people this makes sense for are the people who I am afraid it seems may have legimately bullied this into happening.
And if that is the case? We are sooo far fucking past the point of no return here. There is no true satisfaction in a Buddie canon endgame here for anyone who's lived through the past half a year in this fandom unless you were a perpetrator of any of the horrific shit mentioned above. I mean that with my whole fucking chest. If, and i do think it is a Big Fucking Fat if, Buddie does happen, and you find yourself no qualms happy and satisfied with it as your well earned endgame, I hope you know how rotted you are. And while I'm at it, I hope some way some how you come to see that this was not the carefully crafted beautifully developed loved story of all time you were gods bravest soldier in waiting for. Its just what left after years of meandering storytelling and cyclical character "development" with a bow slapped on top at the last moment because the gift giver was afraid you might kill them if they presented less.
Anyway. I said a million words ago that this was a love letter, and I do mean that. As much as its also been an mental health exercise for me to write this all out. So,
@kinardbuckleys @bucksboobs @kirkaut @tevankinkley @userautumn @sunglassesmish @tommyscurls @ohithankyou @buckxtommy @princessfbi @bigfootsmom @firewasabeast
(And so many other people I'm surely forgetting, and the few artists and writters on other platforms I dared to venture to- maybe never opening twitter again after this xoxo)
Thank you. You don't know me, I never quite got over the anxiety of trying to re-enter a fandom space after a time away, or maybe some of the imposter syndrome or embarrassment I felt accidentally falling in love with this show and Buck by just watching you all talk about him before anything else. But for the last few months, some of you years, you've been my community, my escape. I've loved watching your brains and your hearts work to discuss and create, even amidst the absolute shittiest fandom behavior Ive ever seen. And I am as grateful for getting to experience it from a far as I am devastated at the thought of losing it, of not individually typing in all your blog names (I was too anxious to even FOLLOW you guys truly rip) to see what new content or spec or art or love you had to share about Buck / Bucktommy every day.
In another life- one where idk perhaps people were kinder or showrunners weren't bullied and actors weren't dropped last minute after months of torment and a satisfying canon queer love story for a character who genuinely needs it could just Be in peace- I would have loved to one day put on my big girl pants (aka saved Buck url) joined the fandom for real. To have directly talked to any of you in a way that wasnt... this.
I would have loved to love Bucktommy with you.
#if any of you actually read this i am kissing you directly on the forehead#and if you didnt I am wishing you find some escapist joy outside all this#bucktommy#911 abc#911 spoilers#buddie#evan buckley#yes i am tagging all of it lmao I have SPARED a lot of you by never joining this fandom and saying the shit ive wanted to say so youll deal#with this one time and i honestly hope it reaches outside who its really intended for#tommy kinard#tevan#please let a buddie read it and get pissy see if i care#maybe the last time i used tumblr too since i don't ever want to go through this again lol
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I don’t ever post things like this here because this is primarily my writing side blog, but it feels too important not to say something.
I started writing 9-1-1 fics for the Buddie fandom and for a friend who was near and dear to me. I quickly left the fandom because of the mods for an event that I was participating in and how awful they were to one of my best friends that joined the event with me. That completely killed my desire to interact with the Buddie fandom at all and I don’t know if I will ever finish posting the fic that I poured my heart into for said event. Because that fic is fully done, but those encounters with those fans made me never want to write Buddie again.
And then Tommy Kinard came along.
And holy fuck, I fell in love with him so fast. I immediately rewatched the show after he reappeared in season 7 because I was so fascinated with his character. And then I fell in love with Lou Ferrigno Jr. and began watching S.W.A.T. just to get glimpses of him and I grew to love that show and its characters, too. And I read his interviews and saw how happy he was to be back on the show and it made me happy, too.
Then I saw all the hate and negativity.
It filled me with so much anger and I blocked so many people across so many different forms of social media so I no longer had to see it. All I wanted was to surround myself with positivity.
Because I’ve been that bitch.
There are people no longer in certain fandoms because of me and I’ll never be able to apologize enough for the ways that I hurt them. Sorry will never be enough to mend those bridges that I poured kerosene on.
It’s why I’ve stayed in my corner and all of my fic comments have been generic, which isn’t who I used to be. I used to engage and leave long comments, but honestly I’ve been terrified to try and join any new community. Because I am fucking terrified of reverting back to the person I never want to be again.
My best friend started watching the show again after I went to his house for dinner and had him watch the BuckTommy kiss episode with me. The last five minutes of that episode, I told him to put his phone down and pay full attention and he was completely engaged and was so happy to see another queer couple onscreen. It gave us something else to bond over every week as we would watch and text about what was happening.
Tonight’s text:
This coming from a gay man who does not engage in fandom spaces at all and who felt blindsided, too. Like so many of us did.
I immediately started writing a fix it fic because that’s who I am. I want to write the endings I want to see. And then I stopped writing and sent Lou a message directly because I needed to get something off my chest.
I was raised in a broken home. Raised by racists who belittled me endlessly and have told me within the last couple of years that I am their least favorite child. I am the youngest of 6. That shit was heartbreaking. It’s a wound that will never heal. But why am I bringing it up? Why does that matter?
Because I saw myself in Tommy. I saw a character who represented the worst parts of my youth, who spouted hateful things my parents taught me to say and then spent years having to unlearn those things. Lou talked about his own ideas about Tommy’s past and it struck so close to home for me. Because Tommy showed he was capable of change. And I did, too. It took therapy and years of reflection and being hyperaware now of the shit I say and having to constantly stay on top of my own thoughts and correct them.
I have been dating a woman of color for the last 9.5 years and she’s the love of my life. She has been there through every stumble and stayed even when my passive aggressive inclinations got the better of me. And I saw so much of myself reflected in Tommy Kinard’s character and Lou’s portrayal of him and saw our relationship in Buck and Tommy, too.
Tonight hit me so much harder than expected. And this probably seems like a jumbled mess of thoughts, which it is, but I needed to get some things off my chest and out into the world.
This is not the week that so many of us were expecting. This hurt. We’re allowed to be upset and need time to process. I sure as hell do.
But I do want to say a heartfelt thank you to anyone who has brought joy and friendship to this fandom. The fics that have been written are amazing and the art has been fantastic. I’ve seen some people make lifelong friends in the past few months thanks to this. It sure as hell strengthened some of mine.
So, if you need a friend right now, know that I’m here. I’ve been subdued for a while, but I refuse to lose out on more joy in my life. Not when we all desperately need it. So I’m here for you.
And please remember to be kind. Don’t let anyone take that superpower away from you.
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Long confession ahead, apologies in advance.
Look, I don't get heated about shipping. I like what I like, and I look at things I like. If I don't like whatever someone is posting, I'll filter the tags, and if they aren't using the tags appropriately, I will block them. It's fairly easy for me to avoid ships I personally dislike most of the time. I do all of the things I'm supposed to, and yet I'm still having this problem.
There is one singular ship on God's green earth that kills all of my enjoyment for both of the characters involved, and it is radioapple. I have never felt such strong emotions about any other ship before in any of the fandoms I'm part of. It's fucking everywhere. I genuinely cannot use this website if I want to see Lucifer or Alastor fanart/fanfic, and I'm not moving sites.
But God. I'm so fucking sick and tired of seeing "this post contains filtered content: #radioapple." When S1 first came out, I counted 37 blocked posts in a row on top of #Alastor on one given day. I had to scroll through 37 blocked fucking posts before I found ONE that wasn't about fucking radioapple. And that isn't counting all the OTHER Alastor ships, because of course that's all anyone gives a shit about anymore.
I'm on mobile, so I can't use browser extensions to make Tumblr's filtering system actually do what I want it to (delete every radioapple post, forever). I also don't feel like buying a laptop for fucking Tumblr. I've been getting back into HH after falling out of it for a while for related reasons, and I forgot how much angrier and more unhappy I am coming out of #Alastor or (to a lesser extent) #Lucifer than when I went in. Which is super awesome considering they're my two faves.
I wish I was kidding when I say I have actually cried real tears more than once over this. I'm aroace, and I thought maybe for once I'd get to feel at least a little bit included and represented in fandom as a whole. I thought having a canon aroace character would be that for me, at least one tag I could semi-comfortably browse and feel like I'm actually part of shit and not a spectator for once, but obviously not. I don't even get to look at fanart of a character I enjoy without being constantly reminded of how different and alone I am, even when that character is different in exactly the same way as me. Even characters like Alastor that are written to be like me aren't written for me. Because why would anyone create anything for someone like me to enjoy when they could instead jam a little more sex and romance in there?
I once scrolled through #Alastor blocking all the radioapple posters for so long that I reached the bottom of the page. Tumblr would not show me any more posts and I had to reload it. I blocked 209 different blogs, and it barely made a dent. 209. I can't curate my way out of this. I genuinely think I just don't get to like those characters anymore, and it fucking sucks. I want my deer man back.
TL;DR: I cannot enjoy these characters I deeply relate to with how prevalent and fucking inescapable this one ship is, and I'm not sure how to fix it. Frankly I'm not sure it's fixable, but I would love it if this wasn't something else I just don't get to have like everyone else. Someone tell me what to do about this. I want to have fun too.
I understand why you would think that. I’m probably aroaceflux and I can see some alastor in me (aroacewise, not serial killer wise) and why you wouldn’t want to see the ships you don’t like. Unfortunately that’s how many fandoms work, they’ll just keep shipping.
to be honest, I don’t know what to say, but thanks for the confession and I hope things get better for you
#confession#confession blog#hellaverse#hellaverse confession#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel confessions#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel alastor#alastor
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Hello, how are you, friends? I am Salah from Gaza. I made a donation campaign link. I worked on it and stayed up all night to make money. I got money to treat my wife. You know she has the pancreas and needs an expensive operation, but unfortunately they closed my campaign link and the money was returned to its owners because the bank account was damaged. There is something wrong with it and I want you, friends, to donate, help and spread as much as possible. I am begging you to protect my family and treat my wife. Please, friends, donate and contribute to my new campaign. 🙏🍉🥹💔🇵🇸🔗 https://gofund.me/653b6ff5
For those who see this please, visit their blog and reblog their blog’s posts so they get more attention and if you have the money to spare please donate.
Also I apologize, but I do not have the ability to donate to you. Trust me if I had the ability I would but I don't and I can't. I have no bank account or credit card to transfer money to and no job to gain any money. Every time I ask my parents to help they shut me down so this is the only way to help you. Please forgive me.
#free gaza#save palestine#gaza genocide#free palestine#justice for palestine#palestine genocide#palestinian genocide#palestine donation#gazaunderattack#gaza#support palestine#israel palestine conflict#palestine news#all eyes on palestine#palestine resources#gaza news#gaza under siege#gaza strip#falastine ask#from the river to the sea palestine will be free#fuck israel#please donate#donation#donate#donate if you can#donations#gaza gofundme#palestine gofundme#gofundme#go fund them
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hello tumblr, it’s been a while.
like….WAAYYYYY longer than i intended it to be. but man. shit happened. and shit is happening.
i want to apologize in advance as i come with no art today, i just want to do my best to provide a quick life update and some words of love. talking/writing has never really been my strong suit, but i will give it my all regardless.
in terms of life update, there’s been a good handful of things going on during the past few months. for one, i got a job! i don’t talk about my personal life too much here, but there was a good block of time during the duration of this blog where i was unemployed. but im finally working again and it feels good. in terms of surgery recovery, its been…a lot. i had some minor issues with fluid buildup in my chest, and then later on i had an infection in one of my scars. but i am now at a point where im up and running, and everything has been resolved in that regard. another thing i don’t discuss much here is my struggles with physical health. in my personal life, i deal with chronic pain. and, during top surgery recovery, all of my issues just SKYROCKETED since i was off a few of my medications and have only very slowly been returning to their normal level of nuisance. i’m doing better than i was a few months ago, but things are still not the best. i’m at a point in my life where it has been in my best interest to use a cane in instances where i know i will be walking a lot or standing up for long periods of time to deal with some of the pain i get in my back, hips, knees and ankles. it’s been a pretty big help, and it’s an adjustment i’m glad i made. i’m having a lot of big feelings surrounding my experiences with chronic pain, especially now, but i am learning to live with them and move forward. when i am able to do so, id love to go back to posting on here. however, i am no longer at a point in my life where i can prioritize this blog the same way i used to. i will do what i can, and i promise to come back every now and then to check in with you all. every single one of you has had so much patience with me and showed me so much kindness and i am so grateful. you all are wonderful, and i love you very much.
and since i cannot in good faith say nothing, i am from america and i too am overwhelmed with grief and loss. i am still mourning the sliver of hope i had for seeing brighter days in the near future. but to those who see this and are in the same boat, you are not alone. you are loved, your presence matters and is important. your thoughts and your words are powerful, and it’s not over yet. if you need someone in your corner, reach out. i am here for you, as are so many others. i reiterate; you are loved.
everyone please stay safe, and be kind to yourself. i love you all so much. <3
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(to the previous anon)
ah I see, I’m still kinda new to being a fictkin in general as I only really realized earlier this month. It’s interesting to think how even before I realized I had a lot of similarities to the characters I kin. Practically everyone I know that also has compared me to my source or said my source reminds them of me including my own mother who I was somehow able to get into mdzs. She even said that when I was little I acted like my source (of course little too) like how I used to cling onto the people I liked’s legs and then she said I grew up to be like my grown up source too. It’s also interesting how bodily I’m about the same height as my source too, only one centimetre shorter. Or how my name in Chinese as my family is from Hong Kong also ends in hui. Like I parallel my source so much it’s crazy. My apologies for rambling.
-A-Yuan 🦋 (changing from 🌸 to 🦋)
(ps: this is my longest shift god help me)
🐇
#never apologize! that is what this blog is for!#life confession#confession response#a-yuan 🦋#lan sizhui kin#mdzs kin
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I am seething. I am furious. I am crying inside. What was that portrayal of Alyssa Targaryen in House of the Dragon?
Fire and Blood explicitly described her as having dirty blond hair, mismatched eyes, one violet, one green, ungainly features, and a crooked nose because she broke it when she was six. She knew she was not a great beauty and never would be, but never gave a shit about that. She preferred trousers over gowns, rode Meleys whenever she had a chance, was openly a tomboy, and once again, never gave a shit about any negative opinions about that. She was spirited and fiery, openly saying she was "as bawdy a wench as any barmaid in King's Landing."
Why couldn't they have portrayed her like that? Was it so hard to show that she was still a Targaryen and Daemon's mother, the parent he took after the most, while using the book description of her? The fans, especially those who have read Fire and Blood, know how Alyssa really looks and what her personality is like. Do the show's creators think all fans don't know anything about the source material?
The grievances I have with the scene depicting her and Daemon are innumerable. I have just become more Team Black than ever before and am so relieved that I never watched Season 2 except for the new intro. I know now that I won't be able to stomach the show from now on knowing they ruined my girl Alyssa in such a, excuse my wording, blasphemous way. I now feel afraid, no, terrified, for the day that Targaryen women like Alyssa's many sisters, her mother, and Shiera Seastar will be adapted for the screen, because they will be ruined and reduced to unrecognizable beings who might not be like their book descriptions at all. Since the story of Dunk and Egg is being adapted, I feel afraid of how any Targaryen woman in that show will be adapted, such as Aegon V's (Egg's) sisters Daella and Rhae, and possibly his daughters Shaera and Rhaelle. Hell, maybe Egg's wife Betha Blackwood, his mother Dyanna Dayne, his sisters-in-law Kiera of Tyrosh and Princess Daenora Targaryen, and his niece Princess Vaella Targaryen should be on that list too because they were Targaryens by marriage, in Vaella's case, by birth, and in Daenora's case, by both birth and marriage.
Targaryen women have been ruined for far too long, and Alyssa Targaryen was only the latest. She was reduced to an unrecognizable being who was used to make fans unsympathetic to Daemon and by extension Team Black, and it disgusts and infuriates me. Yes, Daemon has done morally questionable, if not outright immoral things, throughout the books and the show, but this scene feels too much like they want to depict him as an irredeemable monster in contrast to Team Green, and that is, to me, abhorrent.
I apologize if this rant makes anyone uncomfortable, but I absolutely had to get it off my chest after seeing (on here, not the episode itself) and hearing about Alyssa's appearance in House of the Dragon and how it was used. The only things this show has accomplished is me confirming that I'm solidly Team Black all the way and me desiring justice for not just Alyssa, but every Targaryen woman who was ruined before her, might be ruined in House of the Dragon, and might be ruined in future shows.
#alyssa targaryen#justice for alyssa targaryen#team black#how many targaryens will be ruined like alyssa was#this was so egregious I had to post about it despite keeping my blog blank due to not being someone who posts#I apologize for any discomfort caused by this rant#justice for targaryen women#pro team black#what a blasphemy this is to alyssa#give me book alyssa with the unconventional physical appearance and fiery personality#which targaryen woman might be ruined next#do not attack me over this you will only end up on my list of blocked accounts and your comments removed if needed#personal#opinion#personal rant#venting#rant#I will never accept the show's version of alyssa
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You have been sending a lot more i.n lately is there a new bias wrecker 🧐
since I've never claimed a bias, how could I have a bias wrecker
#if youre like 'But all your posts and behaviours' all i can say is: i never grew out of my behavioral issues#and denying what seems to be obvious is always a fun time for meeeeee#bc being contrary is fun to meeeee- im a changeable person too so i almost never have favorites- not colours or foods or movies#but also after a cursory glance at my old blog and this one it seems like ive made about 100 innie gifsets or edits in the past year#so like. ive always been jeonging#not as obvious as my channery or my seungmining or my leeknowing but its legitimate in its own right#and thats without mentioning my side blogs i e changbin seource *please tag me in your binnie posts btw#im not monogamous is what this post means i gave genuine affection for all 8 lmao#HAVE#not gave#same with dynamics like sure i got ones that stick out to me more but i enjoy all of them#same things happening with nmixx currently#like first i was only lilying and then i was haewonning but bae kept being tall and now ive watched more im like oh no...#theyre all my pretty lil princesses.... lol#respect to the ppl who have only room for 1 or 2 but its not meeee#ask#actually i lied im not changeable im actually super consistent but i still dont like picking favourites lol#.... although adding that tag. maybe i am changeable#what i am not though? on my adhd medication 😂#what i am? making another jeongin set#long post#apologies to everyone who doesnt have collapse post on#its friday im allowed to be crazy and tangenting on friday
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i don’t think i’ve said it enough lately but your writing is very nice to read and you’re a great writer and you deserve everything in the world <333
wyr :((( thank you so much <3 this means the world to me and i think you deserve the world and so much more!! thank you for saying this and i'm so glad that you think i'm a good writer <333 i appreciate it so much!!
#you're an amazing writer <3#if it seems like idk what i'm doing it's bc i don't#i havw to apologize to u for all my typos#like i was checking ur blog earlier today to make sure i didn't miss anything and then realized when i sent u the ask abt the ask game#i wrote like wuestion or something 😭😭#i should never trust sleep deprived me#but thank you so so much for this <3 you have quieted the anxiety voices in my head for the time being!!!#answers <3#wyr's special tag bc i love them <3#ur special tag is vv special bc i formatted it differently from my other special moot tags <3
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the most wholesome thing is seeing that the wholesome post blog runner is probably one of the nicest people ever :3 i’m generally Terrified of sending asks especially to a blog that Does Things like this but seeing you talk in the tags instead of just reblogging and moving on makes you seem very friendly and approachable !!!! and i hope u know i appreciate that :] i hope you have a wonderful day and both sides of your pillow are always cool and that if you see a random cat on the sidewalk it won’t run away from U ♡
woah, META-WHOLESOME!! thank ya for the compliment, i try my best to carry out those kinds of traits i value!!!!! i’m SUPER super glad that ya did!!! THANK YOU THANK U!! always appreciating how much of an impact this lil blog has on top of appreciating u for sharing as much with me :-)
it’s always a TRIP getting to hear that something i do that i wasn’t even really mindfully doing makes all the difference?? i’m just really, REALLY grateful for all the different kinds of posts that get sent my way and seeing cool + uplifting + sentimental + OVERALL WHOLESOME posts that i express my thanks + ramble a bit in the tags haha !!
i ALSO hope you have as terrific of a day as you’re able to! and i hope you’ll enjoy seeing more posts pop up!
AND YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE but i got new pillow cases like a week ago THAT DO JUST THAT! AND THERE’S A NEW CAT ON THE STREET WHO HANGS OUT WITH ME SOMETIMES (i’ve been planning to see if he has a microchip, but i know for a fact that the neighbors who feed all the stray cats on our street already have a cage + are well-versed in TNR, so i’ve been thinking about asking them first because the thought that someone could be out there looking for their pal is enough for me to “do it scared”) !! SO THANK U NOT ONLY FOR THE SWEET SENTIMENTS BUT ALSO FOR THE UNEXPECTED HILARITY OVER THE FACT THAT THEY’VE COME TRUE???
#and i get it!! running a gimmick blog (as i’ve heard it be described) is v v different from the other blogs i’ve got going!!#ik i’ve said it in the past but i genuinely think what makes for the lack of ambiance is the fact that i didn’t really? start this blog out#as a gimmick blog in mind?? it was kind of just for me to ‘archive’ Solidly Wholesome posts in one place#by the dates i saw/read through them + let them flow over me. because there’s already a timestamp ya know?#but the Vision was that i’d go through this blog + see that a year ago on a particular day was Important#which is still something i do when i have the the time BUT now i ALSO get sent wholesome posts!!! which WOAH#became a collective effort whether you’ve mentioned me in one post or climbing up to the triple digits now haha!!! i appreciate them all#TRULY :-)#and i’ll also admit that i don’t really remember if i kept the ask + submission channels open because i thought ‘hey maybe i’ll get one#or two someday from someone?’ or if i kinda forgot to close ‘em because i think i only block Anonymous automatically for all the blogs#i’ve got?? THAT will probs be a mystery for a long time to come if not forever BUT am glad it’s all worked out in ways i never saw coming!!#also APOLOGIES FOR NOT ONLY RAMBLING IN THE TAGS BUT THE ASK!!#Apple Pie is defs a priority for me rn and i’ve done some research + talked to my neighbors about TNR being the best bet in our area#last we spoke anyhow which was some time ago#also my parents apparently got into taking stray cats to a TNR program a few cities over so i’ll ask ‘em too probably???#BUT FIRST THING’S FIRST: checking for a microchip#10/13/2023#asks#wholesomepostarchive
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sometimes its like my life is just one big call for help
#please worry about me. please worry about me please worry about me someone worry about me#fuck. fuck#why do i need to apolgize for being a person with thoughts and feelings and shortcomings#why does it feel like i owe the world an apology for being who i am#why does it feel like i need to make up for the fact that im me by giving everything i could ever give#like im sorry its me im giving you im sorry this is all i can give. im sorry that its too much or too little#im sorry its never exactly what is needed im sorry i cant be who even i want to be#i try i try so hard. but its not ever right i just cant. get it quite right#i dont know how to fix it anymore#i dont know how to fix me. i can see everything thats wrong but i dont know how to make it better. please help me make it better.#fuck#im exhausted#i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know#pretend you dont see this or maybe do . i dont know this is embarrassing. but this is my blog anyway so if you dont want to see-#-the most depressing shit ever like my Thoughts then maybe you should leave bc ill always be this pathetic its kind of my thing#ha#fudjdbdjdjdkehd#ok. bye
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[Happy Birthday Greeting] Sae → Haruomi
"My, my. It seems that every time I see you, you have another wrinkle."
".....What can i get you?"
"Fufu, is that how you talk with your customers? With that energy? And here I took the trouble coming here to greet you."
"Hah.... I'm surprised you even bothered. You hate me now, don't you?"
"Oh, yes. Of course. I mildly heavily dislike you, Shingu Haruomi. However! Shura-san is still my oshi! That's why.... I greet you happy birthday ^^)"
"... Well now... Let me get you something, then. As my thanks."
"Huh? No way! I won't take anything free from you, alright? I'll take it as a customer of Raimentei."
"In other words, you'll pay for it? How troublesome... (Just like...... haah, seriously...)"
"Hey. I still won't let you near her, by the way."
"Right, right. Got it. If anything, that's more beneficial for m—"
"Then!!!!!! I'll get the usual, please!!!!!!!"
#dialogues only for now since i cant bring myself to write yet#sae now have personal grudge on hrmi but still respects him#thats why she'll seperate her dislike towards hrmi from her admiration towards shura lol#they say 'never meet your idols' lol#kinda feel bad to tag hrm but yknow what kshd i need it in this blog man#advance apologies#oc posting — fandom: prri#oc posting [dialogues only]#oc posting [interactions]#we yume yume and we jump [platonic]#hiraya posting — matsumoto sae#shingu haruomi
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Hey, this is Taylor from a few years back. Sorry for the ask. I haven't used this app in a few years and forgot how to message lol. I was looking through my old account and saw yours was still up and running, and I just wanted to tell you thank you for the time you were my friend and how patient you were with me. You were a great friend and an even better influence. Hope you're doing good!
This was such a wonderful surprise... I have so many words and yet none at all. Thank you for being my friend, too, and for the kindness you showed me. I hope the future has treated you kindly 🥹🫶🏾
#and now a word from us kids#first of all if you dont know how to use chat its not ur fault its bc tumblr updated and changed 90 times in the last 3 yrs like WHO ASKRD#FOR ANY OF THISSSS#since the great tiddy ban of 2018 we have just gone farther and farther downhill yall 😒 tumblr never shld have tried to appeal to the ads#and its not like it even worked bc The ads we DO get are like facebook video level LIKE PLZ ABEG 😭#anyways i want you to know that when i finally read this ask (like forever late) i was travelling with my sister in TX mind you! and i#literally stopped walking on the sidewalk in 100 degree weather she was so mad at me but i was literally floored#i will never be able to express how much being your friend was healing to me too. and i missed you. and life is crazy#idk if you ever saw that one post on tiktok that went viral and it was an old lady and her best friend had ���we were girls together” on#her tombstone like... i think about that all the time. something so beautiful about youth and IM YOUNGG WE R YOUNGGG but still.#thank you for being my friend and thank you for finding me again and i dont even know what words to say! but this was incredibly sweet#and i sat on it for 2 weeks bc i didnt know what to day and i still dont. but i hope you still remember how to read tags 😩😩#a part of me wanted to figure out how to answer this privately but also a part of me wanted this to be tangible somewhere so i apologize at#the end of the day i am still a tumblrina immortalizing things on my blog 🥹🩷#my sunshine#🩷🩷🩷
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