#neil said we can read their relationship however makes the most sense to us

[thebasementgirl]

Are we still allowed to not see Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship as romantic?

[rebeccadewinterthinks]

Good omens The Book of life Conspiracy theory Part 1

okay, firstly, i should say that it's gonna be a pretty long read so if youre ready, let's activate our Aziraphale detective mode and investigate!

let's imagine the first season as a solid rock, standing firm, while the third season is something hidden in the mist. The second season, however, turned out to be strange, with many hints, unfinished thoughts, mirrors (in which everyone sees something of their own), and hanging lines (some call them Chekhov's guns). I like to imagine it as a shaky rope bridge, connecting the first season to the third. It stretches over an abyss, at the bottom of which sharp stones of fanatical quirks and fetishes await, it is littered with glass shards of viewers' hearts, and anyone who steps on it will inevitably slip on the damp traces left by those who tried to cross it before them. The wind of unrestrained fantasies, coming from the side of the ocean of theories, sways this already unstable bridge, making it almost impossible for any sensitive traveler to maintain their emotional balance and mental health.

my new investigation is based on very ephemeral grounds, so I try to hold on as tightly as possible to those almost invisible handrails that Neil has extended for us. I cling to any available clue, trying not to fall into the abyss, and after each careful step, I pause for a moment and catch my breath. Everything around is hidden in the mist.

1. Conspiracy

let's take a close look at the scene of Gabriel's trial [12:47 Ep.6].

«I see. You're casting me down to Hell. Well, I accept my fate. Sometimes an angel just has to say, «Guys, enough.»

Gabriel is completely calm. It's not unexpected for him. He was prepared for the Fall and doesn't object. Why? Because Beelzebub awaits him in Hell, everything is fine. Probably, they had agreed in advance that they wouldn't stay in Hell but would simply escape when they had no other choice.

«Gabriel, you are not going to Hell…»

we carefully observe Gabriel's changing facial expression as Metatron reads the verdict to him.

he's nervous, he thinks quickly. And judging by how quickly he figured out what to do, he's not as dumb as he seems. OR he already had a plan prepared for such a situation.

«Uh, just one thing. This clothes are tailored. Can I keep wearing them?»

seemingly, this is not the most appropriate question right now. But it serves several purposes: a) distraction (see, I'm an idiot and only think about clothes) b) we know that there's a Fly in his suit c) he suspects that he will receive an answer, and he needs a pretext to materialize the Big Box without arousing suspicion.

«I'll just need to take off my clothes and clean out my desk, then. I'll be right back.»

if you listen carefully, you can sense the relief in his voice, and he smiles again.

now let's move on to the final conversation with Beelzebub [28:10 Ep.6].

«– You. Thank you. – Silly-silly angel. Why? – I was coming to you… But I… forgot.»

it seems they really had a plan. Why does Beelzebub give him the Fly-container? They couldn't not understand that sooner or later either their relationship would be discovered or he would face consequences for refusing to start Armageddon. The Fly was part of the plan. Most likely, «Thank you» was said precisely for this gift. But if Beelzebub assumed that Gabriel would erase his memory, then what does «Why?» mean? Why did you come to the bookshop? Why didn't you come to me (as we agreed)? «I was coming (intended to come) to you, but my memory was already in the Fly, so I forgot where I was supposed to go.»

he was going to Beelzebub, but in the elevator, he went to Earth.

*** This theory was translated into English by me, but all the credits owned by the original author of the theory

the part 2 of the theory is here

[likearecordbb]

about your post on the recent discourse...

it's honestly so confusing to me because like,, you say that ppl pointing out how members of this fandom will make neil very stereotypically 'feminine' is reinforcing the idea of 'masculinity' as one thing and 'femininity' as another.... and i get that we should get rid of these labels. but at the same time... the content itself that ppl are criticising (the ones that 'feminize' neil) are already doing just that. that's why they're criticising it.

i can't point out how ppl are reinforcing the idea that a relationship should have a 'man' and a 'woman', without... saying that that's what they're doing. the writer themselves already sees relationships this way and 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as two different distinct things. that's exactly *why* they're writing neil this way while keeping andrew close to canon.

there's nothing wrong with neil being stereotypically 'feminine' of course. but to act like it's somehow misogynistic for me to go to these ppl and be like 'hey, u shouldn't view mlm relationships through the lens of a hetero one! it can be very harmful' is weird to me... *especially* considering these stereotypes that ppl are pushing onto neil come from misogyny themselves. (ppl making neil much much more emotional than he is in canon while keeping andrew very stoic)

idk, like... ur simultaneously saying that we shouldn't view relationships as needing a 'man' and a 'woman'... while defending people who are doing just that and creating content which reinforces just that.

it's one thing to say 'we shouldn't view masculinity and femininity as two distinct and different things!'/'we should get rid of these labels all together cause they're meaningless'... but if i look at the content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes... then i can't help but feel like ur not as detached from the idea of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as u would like to believe... i trust the ppl who say these ideas are meaningless while not changing the canon characters because they seem to be sticking to their words.

people will just say that they prefer writing andreil is this heternormative way... they'll just say it what they like or what they're most comfortable writing without ever questioning *why* they prefer it this way.

and if they're projecting.. well then, *why* this couple? why pick an mlm couple to project what is often the experience of a cis woman in a relationship? why pick this mlm couple when there are others that do fit the stereotypical heternormative dynamic? idk. like,, u can do this ofc, but ppl can also call u out on ur shit.

there's an undeniable reason that neil is exclusively the one that ppl pick to make more stereotypically 'feminine'. and there's a reason this type of content is also so popular. and it's certainly not wrong to point this out.

You know, I can see all of these points that you're making. For me, the overall issue of this is very complicated. I am also super uncomfortable with the imposition of heteronormative roles onto...well, onto any relationship, regardless of the identities of the people who constitute it. I was raised smack dab in the middle of the gay community by lesbian moms (together 38 years now, jfc, can you imagine??), so that "man/woman" thing was never something that I grew up internalizing or normalizing. I can recognize that this may give me a bit too much of a sense of objectivity.

However, I'm also like...I've been ruined by grad school. The "feminizing" word makes me really uncomfortable because it starts to stray for me into gender essentialism territory. It also seems to foundationally differentiate between "masculine" behaviors and "feminine" behaviors and I just really hate that? Lesbian moms, trans daughter, bi (and late-in-life trying to see where on the ace spectrum I might fall) self, I've just met so many people with so many expressions of gender and sexuality and I just... Idk, I automatically resist anything that feels like it's upholding "masculinity" and "femininity" as real (as in, not constructed) things. And then I also am like, well, I've known SO MANY gay men who behaved in the ways that the discourse constructs as "feminized" and then I start to feel like, what about these men? Are they less 'men' because of it? How would it feel for that man to read these things saying his identity expression was a problem or a bad stereotype? Do I read *Neil Josten* within that context... no, not really. I think Neil has a 'not enough emotional expression' problem way before he has a 'too much emotional expression' problem.

I'll say here what I often say to my students in complex discussions: I don't have answers. I don't think I'm right and anyone else is wrong. I just have complicated thoughts and feelings and concerns about some of the things that sometimes seem to be left uninterrogated.

So, I do 100% get the need to be vigilant about the imposition of a "man" (dominant, emotionally constipated, sexually driven, stoic) role and "woman" (emotional, needy, teary, dependent) role onto relationships with two (or more!) men or women. I would also argue that we need to get rid of that idea in hetero relationships, too, because it's super damaging. I just wish we could find a way to talk about that that didn't feel like it was accepting this idea of femininity as a given? And I definitely agree that it's problematic when the 'bottom' in a relationship is depicted as the one who's soft and silly and weepy. (Have you read TJ Klune's Tales from Verania series? A VERY fun world that does that not at all and it's great). I'm not saying these things are not worth confronting--I'm just really uncomfortable with the way the conversations are often framed around a concept of femininity/feminizing. It feels like shrapnel, I guess? Like, 'ugh stop feminizing Neil he's not weepy and uwu he's a badass' feels inherently to me like it's making femininity and badassery mutually exclusive? Maybe I'm just looking for a caveat or footnote in the argument that acknowledges that that is constructed *for women too*? And is a part of, like, a larger heteronormative patriarchal structure? And not something that we can just all obviously agree is the way the ladies (should?) behave?

One other question I've been dying to ask, though, is: where are these fics? I don't think I've ever read something where Neil is crying over Jack being mean to him or anything. Maybe if I start to see hints of that characterization, I just close the tab and never end up getting to the 'worst' of it?

Although, if what you said earlier about the "content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes..." was referring to me, then... idk what to say to that. I don't think that's what I do. The heteronormative relationship that you're describing isn't one that I enjoy, desire for myself (or anyone else), or have any interest in reproducing.

Does this clarify what I'm trying to say? I guess it's a really long way of saying, in the old insufferable grad school tradition: well, first we have to define our terms. Because I'm not sure we're all coming up with the same thing when we use the word "feminizing" and that probably has a lot to do with why we keep having this exact same conversation over and over and over again.

If I missed any specific point you'd like to pick at in more detail, please let me know--my very sad platonic life partner (who had to put her beloved 15-year-old poodle to sleep yesterday) and her mom are waiting for me to drive them to the stores for a distraction, so I'm feeling a little time pressure.

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

When Amazon's version of Good Omens was first unleashed on the masses, a Christian group in America asked thousands of followers to petition Netflix and ask them to cancel the show. Netflix, not Amazon...

Clearly, Return to Order made a mistake of biblical proportions, and we're not just talking about the target of their wrath either.

Listed among their many objections was the show's portrayal of the first humans and the fact that God is voiced by a woman. Funnily enough though, one of the biggest mistakes the group make in this long list of ridiculous statements is their claim that the "angel and demon are good friends".

If the friendship between Aziraphale and Crowley upset them this much, just imagine what they'd think if they realised Good Omens is actually a "love story", as defined by Neil Gaiman himself.

Fans have been shipping the "Ineffable Husbands" ever since Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's book was first published back in 1990. Throughout its six-episode runtime, the show expands on this even further through the chemistry shared by its two leads, Michael Sheen and David Tennant.

Tender moments such as when Aziraphale covers Crowley with one of his wings have led to copious amounts of fan fiction which portray them both as a couple. Sister Mary and even a random passerby make similar assumptions about them at various points on the show. However, attempts to label their relationship as canonically queer are more difficult than they might initially seem.

When asked directly if Crowley and Aziraphale are in a gay relationship together, Gaiman told a fan online that, "They're an angel and a demon, not male humans."

At first, that might seem like a cop-out. After all, the pair are depicted as male, even if they're not in the human sense, and queer baiting is a real issue. Certain scenes in Good Omens certainly read as flirty, and far too often, the LGBTQ+ community are forced to read between the lines or label characters themselves in the absence of overt and meaningful representation.

During a recent interview, we asked Gaiman if he'd considered making this "love story" explicit or more concrete on screen to rectify that. Surely, this would have been the perfect opportunity to canonise these elements of the original text while updating it for modern times?

Gaiman said no, not really, referring back to a line in the book which says, "Angels are sexless unless they specifically make an effort."

He went on to say, "I like the idea that we know Crowley and Aziraphale don't really... these are two ethereal and occult beings who aren't really quite clear on what mammals are about, even. I don't really think that they've sussed complicated human things like gender."

On the one hand, it's easy to see why some fans have interpreted comments like this as an excuse designed to deflect criticism and avoid featuring actual queer characters in the text. However, this particular situation is actually more complicated.

In recent years, a surprising number of authors and screenwriters have declared that their characters are canonically queer, even when there's no mention of it in the original text. JK Rowling is a key offender here, regularly announcing that her books are more diverse than they actually are in a patronising bid to appease the LGBTQ+ community.

Crowley and Aziraphale are more obviously queer than most of these characters who were retroactively altered post-release. Sheen's character in particular is coded with elements of the Victorian Dandy lifestyle which acted as a clear precursor to modern queerness in both fashion and outlook. Still, confirming a sexual relationship between the pair on screen would ultimately rewrite what's considered canon in the book.

That's not to say the pair don't love each other. Gaiman has confirmed more than once that Crowley and Aziraphale are in love, but labels like gay, bi or even pansexual don't quite fit in this instance.

In our interview, Gaiman clarified that their story arc in the show uses "all of the beats of a love story" to make it "purer and more fun".

"Watching them meet, watching the relationship grow, watching the ups and downs of it, watching the huge breakup in the bandstand in episode three, and then watching what happens to them after that."

The idea is that Crowley and Aziraphale don't have sexual desires in the same way humans do because they weren't created for reproductive purposes. Therefore, their love is portrayed as strictly platonic.

Understandably, a number of queer fans have taken offence at this, seeing Gaiman's treatment of these characters as erasure, but comments the author made during a recent Twitter exchange flip that idea on its head entirely.

By saying he "wouldn't exclude the ideas that they are ace [asexual], or aromantic, or trans," Gaiman is actually suggesting that Crowley and Aziraphale could represent areas of sexuality that are all too often ignored both outside and also within the LGBTQ+ community.

Even acknowledging that the ace spectrum exists is rare indeed, and comments from Twitter users below this exchange highlight just how validating this can be. Platonic love can be just as deep as romantic love, so why does sexual desire need to be used as proof that love each other?

Asexual relationships are almost non-existent on screen, so the idea that Crowley and Aziraphale could represent this spectrum is actually far more groundbreaking than people often give Good Omens credit for.

Of course, labels are hugely important and the fight to see them used in this particular context is understandable. However, if Gaiman ever did decide to define the central love story as gay or trans or ace, then that would also trample over other readings which actually mean a lot to more marginalised members of the queer community.

At its heart, Good Omens is all about dismantling binary notions of morality and gender, and however you might want to label them personally, Gaiman has always maintained that Crowley and Aziraphale are in love, no matter what form that might take.

Both the book and the show are undeniably queer in this respect, whichever way you look at it, so this might be the rare instance where it's better to not define what this queerness might entail and instead just celebrate our "heroes" for what they are. Ineffable and in love.

[palmett-hoes]

how do you think this fandom deals with "measuring" trauma? i've seen a couple posts detailing aaron's reaction to trauma/nicky's reaction//seth's/etc and it seems like some people have a tier list of trauma responses in regards to the foxes? like what's "acceptable" versus what isn't, and who's trauma was "enough" to make their actions excusable versus others. this doesn't make much sense but i hope you get where i'm coming from?

no no i get you don't worry

i think it’s something i used to see more said explicitly than i see it now. like i definitely remember a point in the fandom when ppl were very openly mad at aaron for the way he acted in the books and especially him not being “grateful” enough for all that andrew had “done for him.” additionally seth used to be used as a minor villain or an abusive ex in fics a lot more than i see now. then of course there was a period of calling out these trends and reminding ppl that these are books about trauma, not books about ethics, and that you really really can’t read them without attempting compassion for every character. they’re not books about who’s right and who’s wrong, they can’t really be read in terms of theory or ideology. they’re about survival and recovery.

i haven’t really seen those sentiments in the past few years tho, at least not as openly as they once were, nor have i seen the old posts recirculating. at the same time, i think that there’s less meta and character analysis being written in general so there’s also less debate in general. i don’t see the whole fandom tho, just who i follow and the stuff from the tags that shows up on my tl. if this stuff is actively still going on idk about it, though i’d like to think we as a collective have moved on from seeing trauma as a zero-sum game

additionally, because of the discourse period over them it seems like aaron and seth in particular are treated with extra care not to invalidate that they came from abusive situations and were shaped by that. i’d say it’s now seen as bad taste to openly denounce what a character has been through as “not enough”

however

measuring trauma isn’t always angry, it isn’t always saying to a character “you didn’t go through enough” or “he went through more so shut up.” measuring trauma can also be dismissive. it can take the form of simply choosing not to include it. of removing character traits or actions or topics that make us uncomfortable or are maybe complicated to approach. by removing them or replacing them or avoiding them and simply writing like they’re not there, you essentially get to the same place as saying “get over it” but instead you write them as having, well, gotten over it

so i do still see people measuring trauma it’s just not as outright anymore. instead it’s paring certain characters down for ease and digestibility, and simply not engaging with their trauma and circumstances

i would say i see this most often with the upperclassmen, dan, matt, and allison especially (and nicky even though he’s not an upperclassmen) (ik i mentioned him but seth content is still pretty few and far between) (renee’s trauma has the “rule of cool” so it still gets in there). i’ve mentioned before how sidelined the upperclassmen are in fan works and some of the unfortunate implications of that, but another dimension is not acknowledging or considering their individual backgrounds. they all come from some pretty fucked up circumstances and more than that they’re all SHAPED by those circumstances

in the books, they are all wary isolationists with attitude issues.  they can be mean, they can be nasty, and they can be violent. they come from poverty, abuse, neglect, drug addicition, gang violence, and sex trafficking. they are treated with extreme suspicion by their school, the media, their classmates, and their fellow athletes, and they respond with suspicion right back. their relationships with each other are often on thin ice. they treat neil the way they do - tolerate his puzzle pieces that don’t fit together right without questioning - because they can all recognize themselves in him. and on the flip side, neil is able to relate to them for the same reasons, because they are also wary dogs used to being hit

but then i so often see the upperclassmen used in ways that mostly imply they’re like,, mostly normal, chill, often quite woke. goofy and cool. they all grew up watching disney movies and going to carnivals. they get used as a contrast for neil and andrew to highlight their traumatized behavior and the extremity of their circumstances, and if their trauma gets mentionted at all it’s in passing and it doesn’t inform the way they act. their trauma isn’t sufficient to inform their actions so it just,, doesn’t factor in or get mentioned really and they’re all nice, friendly, happy-go-lucky neurotypicals who are trying to teach poor traumatized neil how to be normal. tell me that isn’t measuring trauma

it’s annoying, in all honesty, especially since it now seems to come in a form that’s hard to call out because it’s no longer content that actually states a bad opinion so much as it is a lack of content or consideration for certain characters, pushing them further and further into the background and giving them increasingly more vague, palatable, and relatable characterizations.

in fact, it often comes off as praise, by ascribing them positive traits like nicky being a good guardian for the twins or allison being super knowledgeable about lgbt stuff or dan being a “queen” or matt being a “himbo” and because this is all good stuff it’s fine, right? it’s better than canon actually, right? except actually what it is is dismissive of their trauma and individual experiences. it’s a series of easily digestible filler words used to make the messy, ugly, complicated characters of canon softer and easier to swallow

also this is by no means restricted to the upperclassmen it’s just the one that slips most through the cracks. i definitely see this happening to andrew, too, but it works in slightly different ways and is a whole other discussion

[ineffable-endearments]

Okay. Now I'm going to submit some theories about how I think Crowley and Aziraphale specifically are going to go in the future of Good Omens.

Again, this post is not really...specific theorizing about plot events. It's big-picture stuff.

With that said, this post will get a bit heavy at times, in the sense that it will contain opinions that not everyone will like. It drifted into rambling about queerbaiting and all that stuff. I'm not going to spam anyone's dashboard with drama over it, but it's very possible someone else might try. It's also not really a negative post, depending on what you want to hear, I suppose. But if you're only in the mood to read fluff today, you'll probably want to pass it up.

Oh! Also it's very long, and sexuality is discussed in a vague way that doesn't involve any story elements or body parts.

For starters, I don't think Good Omens 2 - or even 3, if that comes about - is going to have anything explicitly sexual or romantic between the two of them, where "explicit" is things like the characters giving outright definitions of their relationship or outright discussing exactly what goes on between them, either on or off-screen. I also don't think there's going to be kissing or "hooking up" (come on...that person on Twitter shouldn't have even asked). Those actions are too blatant for what Neil has already said about the series. While they technically leave some room for interpretation, they probably don't leave enough.

I DO think it's quite possible other characters will continue to define the relationship FOR them and Crowley and Aziraphale will continue to not deny it.

As far as the queerbaiting debate, "is Good Omens queerbaiting"...it's gonna depend how you define it. I always learned that queerbaiting was basically where the creators intentionally make it look like a character is gay or otherwise queer but then swap that character development out for a cis identity and hetero relationship at the end. The point is that the "bait" leads to queer audiences being actively hurt. That's the behavior that seems awful to me, and I don't see Neil and company doing that.

However, I think it's far and away the most likely option that it will be left up to interpretation whether Crowley and Aziraphale are, you know, a buddy duo or a romantic couple or some sort of ineffable queerness all their own off-screen. So if your definition of queerbaiting is "the characters seem gay to us, but homophobes can tell themselves they're not," then yes, I think that debate will follow us to our graves if we let it.

I am a cisgender, possibly straight (?? demi/bi? I might never find out) woman. There is absolutely no way I could ever tell anybody, ESPECIALLY not gay guys and nonbinary people - the people Crowley and Aziraphale tend to resemble the most - how to feel about their treatment in the story. All I can offer is that I'm one flawed individual and there are things I have the emotional capacity to handle and things I don't. Crowley and Aziraphale as both a canon construct and a fandom pairing mean an absurd amount to me, and I can't hang around in spaces where people are constantly talking about how my own interpretations of them are not enough, or how the story is written with ill intentions. I don't want to stop anybody from venting about it, but I am going to be removing myself from those situations.

I like to imagine 1990 NeilandTerry, or TerryandNeil, as a sort of two-headed God who came up with Crowley and Aziraphale, set them loose on Creation, and now are watching them get up to way more ridiculous stuff in the brains of their fans than they'd ever imagined in the first place. I like to imagine them watching, amused and bemused, as their creations fall in love in thousands of universes, and saying, "Well, we didn't specifically Plan for this, but we did promise free will."

This is psychoanalytical toward a public figure and is therefore a bit dangerous, so please take it with an entire mountain of salt, but I sometimes think perhaps Neil sees some of his and Terry's friendship in Crowley and Aziraphale, and suspect that he wants to reserve the possibility that they could be platonic because he and Terry were platonic, while at the same time leaving room for the fans to have their own interpretations, too. Because if there's one thing that comes up really frequently with Neil, it's his belief in imagination and how much stories matter to people. He can have his little corner of the universe where A and C reflect himself and Terry, and we can have...literally anything we want, as long as we're willing to extrapolate just a little bit from canon. It's not even that much extrapolation! It's just "Yes, they love each other, so what exactly does love mean to you?" and if love means kissing, well then, if we can think it, we can have it.

Given that Neil has written LGBT+ characters before, I think he has non-bigoted reasons for wanting Aziraphale and Crowley to remain undefined, and given even the small chance that those reasons may involve the grieving process for a dead friend, I believe it is unkind to argue with him about it or hold his reputation hostage over it.

With that said, do I want canon kissing/hooking up/all that stuff we put in fics? Listen, I can't deny that I do! Personally, I'd be over the moon. I'd probably be so happy I'd have to go to the hospital to get sorted out. Even the thought of it makes me giddy and light-headed, because that physicality is a part of my own experience of love.

However, there are a lot of people who would feel left behind if that happened. Ace and aro people in the fandom whose love for their friends and partners is just as strong as mine, but who are sex-repulsed or just don't want to see kissing on-screen. The loss of Crowley and Aziraphale as a pairing who are extremely easy to interpret as queerplatonic would be hurtful to them, and I do not want to see them hurt like that. I don't think Neil does, either.

So, once again, the "best for everyone" option becomes a really strong canon relationship based in both narrative function and profound affection, which has genuinely thoughtful queer undertones and leaves open the logical possibility for romantic or sexual encounters but does not insist that they must happen. People, especially fans who are super invested, tend to have an easier time imagining scenarios that take place off-screen (e.g. kissing, sex) than they have erasing scenarios that they've already seen in canon (e.g., if someone wished they could continue viewing it as an ace relationship but they were shown "hooking up"). Also, while relationships are super emotional and extremely subjective, I'd argue that in a long-term adult partnership, the non-sexual connection is more important than the sexual one. As a fan, I'd prefer to extrapolate "they love each other so maybe they'd have sex" rather than "they're sexually attracted to each other so maybe they'll intertwine their whole existences together."

It probably isn't necessary to add, but I will anyway: I'm aware that Good Omens is sort of sacrificing social leverage - the ability to whack homophobes over the head with canon if they try to deny the show's queerness - and is thus not really contributing to making specifically gay relationships more widely seen and accepted. However, I don't think all stories have to invest heavily in every social issue they touch on for them to still be meaningful. I also do think Good Omens is an excellent example of a relationship that is extremely profound without being heteronormative.

I don't think the next season is going to be a rom-com. It will likely not even be a "love story," where the definition of "love story" is "a story that follows the development of a relationship and employs certain plot beats to make its point." Remember that conflicts and breakups are key to love stories, so if it IS a love story, then we're going to have to watch the relationship get challenged in ways some of us might have thought were already resolved in season 1! And while that could be thrilling and ultimately very good, it would also be likely to undercut some of the careful headcanoning and analysis we've already done. Any sequel is going to do that to some degree, but a second love story would probably do it a lot, with interpretations that people are even more protective of.

I'm sort of thinking the next season is likely to be a fantasy-heavy mystery, only because those are the two concepts Neil's introduction led with - an angel with amnesia who presents Crowley and Aziraphale with a mystery. Crowley and Aziraphale's connection to each other can still absolutely be a major theme! It can still be the thread stitching the plot together! It just probably, in my opinion, won't escalate and escalate and escalate like it did in season 1. And it will probably be woven in there among a lot of other plot threads that are, in many moments, louder. Still, I'd love to be left with the impression of these two existences, the light and the dark, subtly becoming more intimate, subtly growing more comfortable in this shared place they've chosen in the universe, gradually starting to behave like they know they aren't alone in the world anymore, all while other things happen to and around them.

Nonsexual physical intimacy - a really great hug, or leaning together on the sofa, or a forehead touch, or something like those, something that could happen in a lot of different kinds of relationships but is undoubtedly based in deep trust and affection and a desire to be close...that's the dream, for me. Oh, how lovely it would be.

Of course, I could be just absolutely, embarrassingly wrong about all this. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

[redrabbitspod]

READ OUR INTERVIEW WITH ROLLING STONE HERE:

(full, designed article. But if you don’t want to follow a magazine layout, read the transcript. Art by @bloodydamnit)

TRANSCRIPT BELOW THE CUT

Red Rabbits: The Rolling Stone Interview

Featuring Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten, and the Red Rabbits Team

By Angie Rodner

On a chilly Monday, Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard are standing side by side, looking at something on Andrew’s phone in our New York, Rolling Stone headquarters. The rest of the Red Rabbits team, consisting of Dan Wilds, Seth Gordon, Renee Walker, Robin Cross, Allison Reynolds, and pro Exy legend/honorable mention Matt Boyd, orbit around them. It's an interesting scene to take in, to say the least. No matter what they seem to be talking about, they all defer to the two hosts without any of them seeming to acknowledge it. 

I was lucky enough to sit down with all eight of them, and I’m not ashamed to say I’m a fan of the podcast and I’ve followed since Season 1. The story of Andrew and Neil (formerly known as Nathaniel Wesnisnki, the son of the Nathan Wesninski or the Butcher of Baltimore), and the revelation of their connection they’d shared as kids, was better than any true crime podcast I’d ever listened to. 

Now, the team takes on what they’ve dubbed ‘The Case of the Newark 9’ for their second season. It’s a case based around the hunt for a man known only as ‘Steven’, who they believe is responsible for a series of kidnappings and murders of young girls in and around the Newark area. They’re joined by Robin Cross, a victim and survivor of Steven’s, who is helping them investigate the case. 

I sat down with Robin and the other women of Red Rabbits first. 

What’s it been like to work on this podcast together? Was it strange to go from looking for Neil, to having him in the studio, to watching him and Andrew form the relationship they have?

Dan: It was strange, because in all honesty, it wasn’t strange. Does that make sense? None of us knew about the meeting they had as kids, but when Andrew finally told us, everything made a lot more sense. Really, they belong together. It was much weirder when they first got back and hadn’t acknowledged what was between them yet. We were all just kinda like... are y’all not seeing what we’re seeing?

Renee: They got there eventually.

How have things changed from Season 1 to Season 2? The cases are obviously different, but they still involve missing children. What’s the atmosphere like around the studio?

Dan: Tense.

Allison: I’m not even there that often and I can still feel it.

Robin: It is tense, but there’s also a sense of urgency. We know ‘Steven’ has another girl now, so it’s like every day that goes by is another day he has her... Another day we either find him, or we don’t.  

Mm... I can’t imagine how difficult that is. However, with that being said, the NYPD have made it pretty clear that they aren’t buying what you guys are selling. How does that make you feel?

Robin: I don’t feel anything about the NYPD. My anger is better placed elsewhere. I am angry. But the police didn’t listen to me when I was a kid and trying to tell them important information. Why would they listen to me now?

Renee: I think we all try and take our cues from Robin. Andrew and Neil are very careful to include her and get her opinion on certain things before moving forward. We’re not letting this thing with the NYPD deter us. 

Speaking of Robin then, what’s it like for you to have her on the team? As one of Steven’s victims that is, there with you in the studio?

Robin: Oh no. Say nice things about me.

Dan: Girl. [ laughs ] Honestly, she’s amazing. She’s my little sister and I’m not just saying that. I think we all kind of feel that way. I’ve never known a person as strong and determined as she is and I know - see she’s blushing! [ laughs again ]- I know she hates it when we talk about her like this, but it’s so true. She’s family now.

Renee: She is, and I think she brings a really unique perspective to the case. We have someone here who’s directly involved, who lived through it and can give us some idea of what the other girls went through. I think most people would really love to have that kind of resource during an investigation.

Allison: For sure. She’s even my muse for my fall line. Everything is going to be deep colors and fun modesty.

Seems like you’ve been properly inducted into the team, Robin.

Robin: [ smiling ] It feels amazing...

Now, last question. Are you confident you’ll find what you’re looking for?

All as one: Yes.

Speaking with the ladies was fun. They were easy and connected and you can tell that there was a real sisterhood in the studio that day. It was refreshing to see women supporting and helping each other thrive in such a competitive industry. There was a lot of laughter between them, and it was such a joy to be able to share it with them. 

-

My next interviewees were Seth Gordon, ‘resident TFN sound engineer/IT guy/anything to do with technology’, as he tells it, and New York Lynxes starting backliner, Matt Boyd. When I tell you I laughed throughout this entire interview, I’m being completely sincere. There was something about the way the two bounced off each other that had me smiling and understanding why they are both so well-liked. 

You guys are best friends aren’t you? I feel a bromance in this Chilli’s tonight.

Seth: Bet. Matt Boyd is my homie and BFFL. Do people still say that? Anyway, we have matching necklaces and everything.

Do you really?

Matt: No, not really, but I’d totally wear one if he gave it to me.

[ laughing ] Matt, how did you even end up here? I know you were friends with Neil, but I feel like the details on that are kind of murky.

Matt: I hit him with my truck. [ My jaw dropped ] No, really! I hit him with my truck in Midtown Manhattan when I was driving home. He refused to go to the hospital so I brought him back to my place to make sure he was okay. He didn’t leave after that.

Seth: Because you held him hostage? That’s the way I hear it.

Matt: Oh yeah, for sure. He takes up so little space, why not? [ laughs again ] No really, I did convince him to stay, but I just felt like he needed a friend. He was obviously running from something and he was scared. I just didn’t know from what or why at the time.

And when you found out?

Matt: Honestly? I just about shit myself, but it made so much sense. All the little questions I asked myself early on, finally had answers. 

I saw the interview you and Dan did with Essence. You guys look amazing together.

Seth: They are amazing together. It’s gross. 

Matt: Yeah, and you and Dion aren’t constantly fawning all over each other.

Is that Dion hovering nearby?

Seth: Yep, that’s my man. He’s amazing and fuckin’ fine as hell. Can I say fuck in this interview?

Sure.

Seth: He’s fuckin’ fine.

Seth, what’s it been like for you, putting together the shows? There’s been a lot of audio that’s hard for us as listeners to hear, and I’m sure there’s more we haven’t even heard. 

Seth: There is.

What’s that like for you to have to go through it all?

Seth: Really hard sometimes. There was some stuff in Season 1 we didn’t air that seriously gave me nightmares. It’s worth it, though. We found Neil and I think we’ll find Steven.

Are both of you confident in that fact?

Seth: Positive.

Matt: I think if anyone can find him, it’s Andrew and Neil. They’re determined and they’ll keep looking no matter what.

I believe them. 

Andrew and Neil were my last interview of the day, and a more determined pair I think I’ve ever met. 

Here’s the thing readers: They’re connected. It might make me a poor journalist, but I don’t know how else to explain it. At one point during the interview, Neil reached over to squeeze Andrew’s arm. At another point, Andrew reached over to squeeze the back of Neil’s neck. They were obviously a comfort to and for each other, and it almost seemed like they borrowed strength. It was intense and being able to witness it has been one of my favorite moments in my career.

So, let’s talk about this season before we get into everything else. You’re looking for a man you believe to be responsible for the disappearances of multiple girls in the Newark area. Do you feel like you’re any closer to solving the mystery than you were at the beginning?

Neil: Absolutely. We’ve gotten some really great tips and we think we’ve narrowed some things down. We don’t want to get too deep into what we’ve got at the moment, because we’re still investigating. But we’re confident in what we have.

What’s it been like working with Robin? I was able to interview her earlier, and she’s really something.

Andrew: She’s been the best resource we have. She’s incredibly strong and unbelievably quick. She’s taken this terrible thing that happened to her and turned it into fire, and it’s been amazing to watch. Most of the information we have comes from her.

The interview you guys did with her was absolutely chilling. I cried three times listening to it. How do you handle hearing these things? I feel like it’d be really hard not to take it home with you.

Neil: Yeah. It’s hard sometimes.

Andrew, I want to touch on the interview Riko Moriyama just did with Kathy Ferdinand and your response. What was that like for you, hearing Riko wrongfully expose something like that on live television?

Andrew: It was… I was stunned, I guess. That information was supposed to be sealed. My name was redacted. So I have no idea how he even got details of the case.

You’ve talked before about being in the foster care system. It sounds like you had a pretty rocky childhood.

Andrew: Yes.

Neil, I know yours was no picnic either. Do you think that this kind of... shared trauma, I guess, is part of why you two work so well together?

Neil: Yeah, partly. When we met as kids, I think a bond was cemented. We both knew how horrible adults could be to children. But now that we’re older, I think more than a shared trauma, it’s a mutual respect for that trauma. We both have shit, you know? I told Matt this one time and I didn’t really understand how true it was until recently, but we both have baggage that we share. We take each other’s on to lighten the load for the other. But, there are times when it gets really fucking heavy, and I think recently we’ve figured out that it’s better to lean on each other when that happens, instead of trying to carry it all ourselves.

Why do you think Riko felt the need to call you two out like he did? I know he mentioned Neil possibly being manipulated into the relationship.

Neil: [laughs]

Andrew: I wish I could manipulate him into having better taste in music.

Neil: My taste in music is fine. 

Andrew: It is absolutely not. And I don’t know why Riko feels the need to comment. I’d be interested to hear the reason. The things he said regarding Neil were ridiculous, and in his response, Neil has made sure to make that known. But the thing that really bothered me was his comments on mental health. He tried to basically call me unstable for seeking therapy and admitting that there came a point when I needed outside help. There are literally hundreds of thousands of people in this country who seek out therapy every year. There’s no shame in it and I’m unsure as to why Riko believes there is. Honestly, I’m shocked the Moriyamas haven’t released a statement. He’s their mouthpiece, after all.

Do you think they should apologize?

Neil: Yes.

Andrew: I think they should at least clarify. I’ve already heard people are planning to protest their new documentary and I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to give my money to people who think I’m less of a person because I struggle sometimes.

Speaking of struggle, let’s move back to the case. I know the NYPD has been giving you grief over your claims that the person you’re looking for is the same person that’s taken Haylie Clark. Robin, especially, seems completely certain. How does it feel to know law enforcement doesn’t have your back on this?

Andrew: Familiar. They’ve never had my back before, so why would they start now?

Neil: I’ve dealt with too many crooked cops to really take it seriously. I have no idea what their motivations are and to be clear, I’m not saying I think they’re crooked - I’m just saying that in my experience, the help doesn’t always come like it’s supposed to.

The rest of the team seems pretty confident in you two. They all said they absolutely believe you’ll be able to find him. Is it hard sometimes, not to lose faith?

Andrew: It’s hard all the time. But it doesn’t matter. We have to keep moving forward. We aren’t going to stop until he and Haylie are found. 

I think that’s really commendable and I look forward to seeing that happen. Now, tell me a bit about the team. Neil, since you came in at the end of Season 1, how did you find the dynamic as an outsider?

Neil: I didn’t really understand it in the beginning. Not really. It helped having Matt at my back for months prior, but I’ve never had the opportunity to make solid connections with people. So when I came into the studio, to this group of people who had known each other since college, it was overwhelming. 

Andrew: That’s funny, seeing as how they like you better than me.

Neil: It’s all the charm and charisma. 

[ laughing ] And now? You all seem really tight knit.

Neil: Now, yeah. We are. These people are my family.

Andrew?

Andrew: Yes?

Neil: She wants you to say something nice about the team.

Andrew: Every single one of them knows my coffee order, and it’s truly amazing that they can do what the interns cannot. [ he looks over at Neil, who’s tilting his head and raising his brows ] Oh, don’t look at me like that. Fine. We have a really strong team. I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing without them. Seth works harder than anyone I know, Dan keeps us all in line with just a look, Renee is the only reason I agreed to do this in the first place, Reynolds has a lot of money and she’s not afraid to use it for a cause she believes in, and Robin is the most inspiring person I’ve ever met.

And Matt?

Andrew: Who?

Neil: The guy that kept me alive for months while you were hunting me.

Andrew: [ rolls his eyes and shrugs ] He’s fine.

-

My take away from the interviews was this: these people will do whatever they need, in order to find their perpetrator. They believe in their cause, they hurt for these girls, and they’ll find justice for them in the end. They’re family, that much is clear, and I can’t wait to see how this ends. I can’t wait to say that I was there when it’s over.

Red Rabbits can be heard on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, and GooglePlay. You can follow the website at redrabbitspod.tumblr.com and twitter @redrabbitspod.

And as the Red Rabbits team always says, “Keep Searching”. I know I will.

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 7/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Sorry in advance, but this chapter is kinda short. But we do get more conflict, more drama. 3 more chapters! Who's pumped? No one.

TW FOR THIS CHAPTER: Brief blood mentions.

2020

Remember how I said I was on a journey towards happiness? In the beautiful world of Brianna Caldwell, life said, "Nah."

The next day, it was apparent that things were only getting worse.

"Ed Sheeran is still on board," Joey stated matter-of-factly. He crossed his arms, the safety visor making a rustling sound as he did so.

He was joined by Nina, Alex, and Michael. A few of the lab team were at their desks, trying to ignore the current confrontation, including Jujubee.

She looked as if she wasn't paying attention to the ordeal, but I knew Jujubee like the back of my hand, and she was listening. I couldn't help but want her to speak up and help me out here. But she hadn't spoken to me since the day before.

"Yeah, he is." I put my hands on my hips, standing at the front of the lab, while Joey and his friends sat there and looked up at me.

"Why, though?" Joey continued to question.

"God, we already had this discussion," I spoke quietly, looking to the side for some sort of distraction.

"Yeah, but you said you'd figure something out." Nina input.

"Yeah, you did." Alex joined in. I glanced at Jujubee in the hopes she'd join the conversation. Her eyes remained on the chemical she was working with.

"Why did you choose him in the first place? Why not…" Michael paused, deciding to join the argument, "Bill Nye...or someone who actually has an interest in Space and Science."

"Yeah, for real. Like, you do realise that in years to come, when kids read about 'Neil Armstrong - the first man on the moon, they're gonna flip the page and see 'Ed Sheeran, confirmed the first man to enter another dimension.'" Alex added.

"Like, how do you even explain Ed Sheeran as a choice?" Nina held a hand out in questioning.

I finally found a crack and slipped back into the conversation, "Because your project manager is a disaster when she's drunk and makes stupid choices without even thinking."

"We know, Brie. You were drunk." Joey rolled his eyes like he was tired of hearing the same story.

"Maybe you should stop drinking." Alex squinted his eyes.

"Yeah, we don't wanna go there, but maybe this is a problem," Michael added to the point.

My eyes were becoming wider with every word they were saying. This was absolutely ridiculous. Again, I was hoping Jujubee would argue back, but she remained silent.

Nina, however, was the one to interject, "Jesus, guys. You're taking it a bit too far." She stood up and gathered her lab coat, "Look, we all do dumb shit when we're drunk. She's not a mess, OK?"

Joey laughed. I held back from calling him out for the time that I caught him hiding in the closet playing Candy Crush for an hour.

"Well, even so, she should take this into consideration," Alex suggested.

"And do what?" I unfolded my arms and held them out by my side, "call him and say 'JK, Ed. It was just a joke, Ed.'"

"Girl, you're the one who got us into this mess. You figure it out." Alex raised his voice. How very fair of him. I was the one who had to deal with this problem, yet they were the only ones who seemed to care.

"Mess is a bit of a harsh term." Nina pointed out.

"Exactly, there is no mess here. Juju and I have already figured this out," my gaze shifted towards her again, hoping the mention of her name would cause a reaction. Nothing, "So I'd appreciate it if I could stop getting all this flack. I don't need flack from you," I pointed at Joey, "I don't need flack from you," next, at Alex, "or you," then Michael, and I moved my finger in Nina's direction, "or...Jesus Christ, you're having a nose bleed."

Nina's hand flew straight up to her nose, pulling away and examining the red liquid. "Oh, my Lord!"

She tried wiping it. But more blood poured out like a faucet that had been slowly turned on.

"Can you just...get out of here and get that cleaned up?" It sounded bitchy. But I was panicking. I never did well with blood. Therefore I looked away and hid my face.

"Thanks for helping, boss." Joey practically snarled, handing Nina a bunch of tissues. Like hungry wolves following the scent of the blood, the 3 men followed her out of the room, Joey still scorning at me as he left.

It was just me and the other scientists left in the room.

I turned and moved to one of the counters, picking up screws and bolts as if I was actually interested in them. But I couldn't ignore the presence of my best friend.

Hearing shuffling, I turned. She was standing up and gathering her things.

"Juju." I approached her.

She only quickened the packing up process.

Reaching her bench, she was already turned in the direction of the door, "Juju, are you just gonna ignore me all day?"

Finally, she looked at me, adjusting her bag strap, "There's nothing to say."

"Oh really? Well, you can decide to drop me as a friend, but you're still working for me, so we need to communicate."

"OK," Jujubee shrugged, "Well, what do you need to discuss with me that's work-related?"

She got me there. Licking my lips, I breathed out with a quick sigh. "OK, look, last night, we didn't end on a good note. I'm not saying I was wrong, and neither were you. Can you just please set that aside and talk to me?"

She squinted her eyes. "So, I'm supposed to just let the problem keep building?"

"Juju!" I briefly raised my voice, a few of the other scientists glanced in our direction. Jujubee looked uneasy now. So I lowered my tone again. "OK. I'm just gonna say it. I fucked up. I fucking...wrote her a creepy message, and I don't know what to do, and I have no one to talk to about it."

She let out a sarcastic laugh, "You're still looking to use me as your therapist. You learned nothing from what I said, Brianna."

I was silent, incapable of speaking anything else.

She looked away to the ground, "This is taking up my lunchtime."

And with that, she moved to the door, the sound of her heels like a clock ticking down.

"Juju, what can I do?" I held my hands out by my sides. "How am I going to make you satisfied?"

With a hand opening the door, she was frozen for a moment. I thought she would have walked on and ignored me. But she looked over her shoulder and said, "When you realise she's not the one who cares about you."

She left the room, pulling the door closed. The noise caused me to flinch.

I turned around her words in my head.

Two of the scientists were whispering, one glancing at me. I felt my chest become tight. "Hey. This isn't a social gathering. Get back to work."

Despite their astonishment, they moved away from each other anyway.

I instantly felt like a bitch. Technically yeah, it was my job to keep everyone working. But I rarely raised my voice.

I left the room, seeking peace and quiet.

Sitting in my chair, I held my hands in my head, staring at the redwood desk. Moments like these should have felt like a luxury, just sitting there, relaxing. But my mind was racing with too many thoughts.

I had no idea what I could do to make amends with Jujubee. But I could try and sort this Ed Sheeran problem.

Loading up my emails, I opened the thread with Ed Sheeran (which was actually only 3 messages and most likely with his manager).

I hit reply and started typing.

'Listen, Ed. There's been an issue…'

No.

'Dear Mr Ed Sheeran, we regret to inform you…'

'Hello, Ed. It's Brianna from…'

'Ed, big fan of the work, but…'

I squeezed my eyes shut, already feeling exhausted, like each press of the backspace button represented a loss of a brain cell.

For all the achievements I had earned throughout the years, for all the accomplishments, why the fuck was this so damn hard?

The telephone rang, causing me to jolt. A sigh left my lips as I tried to breathe. Pressing the speaker, I said, "Jackie, what's up?"

Jackie, my receptionist, spoke, "Hey, honey. Your Mom's on line 2."

My hand clenched around my pen, already feeling that familiar sense of dread.

"OK, thank you," I spoke quieter.

I hesitated for a moment before finally clicking line 2.

"Hi, Mom," I uttered.

"Hi, baby." She said quietly. "How are you?"

"Fine." I lied. "Nothing really new here. How about you?"

"All good…" she sighed, then paused briefly, "Actually no. Things aren't good. I...lost my job. The usual, they found someone better. And I've been trying so hard to find a job."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, and on top of that," she sighs again, "Brie, honey, there is no easy way to say this; Piggie's sick."

My breath caught in my throat, but I tried to remain calm. "What's wrong with him?"

"They said it's Lyme disease, Brianna. I...I don't know what's going to happen." Her voice cracked.

"Look, don't worry. I'm gonna send you money right now. It should cover the bills. He'll be - -"

"No, I didn't call you to ask for money." She said quickly, "I was just wondering...I know you're busy and everything…"

Fuck. My eyes squeezed together, hand tightening around the phone.

"But...I would love to see you. It's been nearly a year now." Her tone softened.

And immediately, I wanted to say no. Considering the circumstances, a visit would fuck with my head. Seeing Piggie, my emotional support through teenagehood would crush me.

"You there, baby?" She asked.

"Yeah," I whispered.

"I just...I don't want to be alone. What if the medical treatment fails? I'm gonna have no one, Brianna. I don't want that." She pauses again, and my chest tightens, tears filling my eyes. "Brie, baby, please come."

I can hear the pain in her voice. But I can't help but feel that sense of fear, the anxiety.

"Don't leave me alone to deal with this, please. I'm at my lowest. And I don't know if I could do it all by - -"

I hit 'end call'.

I put the phone back and rested my head in my hands.

I knew this was my fault - our strained relationship. I could only see that now, how emotionally unstable I was. That sounds like a joke, right? I just didn't expect it to be this bad.

Nothing was getting better.

-_-_-_-_-_-

2004

I threw my bag in the back seat before climbing in the front. My hair was soaked from the rain. I literally just ran from the school to Mom's car, not even outside for that long, yet so much rain.

I said nothing, only rubbed my hands together to keep warm.

"So, the schools flooded?" Mom asked.

"Yeah."

"The whole school?" She looked past me and to the building, an eyebrow raised. "It doesn't look that bad."

"It's just the shop classes and cafeteria, to be honest." I put my hands between my thighs to make the warming up process happen quicker.

"That's a bit unnecessary to send you all home."

"Yeah, well, I'm not complaining."

Mom fired up the engine, and we were set for home. There was a moment of silence that fell among us. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But when she turned the radio down, I knew we were in for a discussion.

"That's not the only thing the school called me about today." She started.

"Oh?" I looked out the window. I don't know why but I assumed they had finally exposed me for smoking around the back of the building. But it was doubtful as I had stopped during the Summer.

"They're concerned about you, Brie." And so was she, now that I could hear it in her tone. "Your grades have only gotten better the slightest amount."

"Well, I can't just go from a C to an A in a matter of days." I still looked out the window. "And besides, I'm staying behind every other day for extra studying."

"Are you sure you're not just flaking and hanging out with Jujubee instead?" There it was, the accusatory tone.

I looked at her now. "No? And if it makes you feel better, you can call her Mom and ask. How's that sound?" I scoffed, "God, I don't need this. Not like I'm dealing with enough at school anyway."

"Well," she was silent for a moment as if daring herself to speak again, "Not that I'd know, I mean, you don't really open up to me about school."

"Yeah, because there's nothing you can do about it." Was I wrong? What could she do? Barge into the school with a gramophone and yell, 'Stop picking on my daughter!'

"About what?"

I rolled my eyes, "Doesn't matter. I don't wanna talk about it."

I could practically feel the way she held back from rolling her eyes.

"Well, the only other thing I can think of is that you're too focused on all this space stuff." She sounded more irked now. "You need to focus on your future, not all this make-believe crazy conspiracy theory shit."

"Oh, that crazy conspiracy theory shit that my Grandpa enjoyed?" My tone was slowly raising.

"I didn't mean it like that. I'm saying your Grandpa didn't make a living sitting around and fantasising about all of this stuff. He knew the difference between having a career and having a dream."

"Well, God, not like my interest hasn't got a thing to do with my future prospects, Mom. No. Who would have thought." The sarcasm was thick in my voice.

"Whatever it is you're striving towards, it sounds more like a dream to me. You need a more stable plan." Mom flicked the indicator quite aggressively.

"Oh my God," I laughed, "That's hilarious. You have no idea what I'm striving towards. You can't even tell me what it is."

"Does it matter??"

"Just shows how much you give a shit about me, right, Mom?"

We pulled up to a red light to Mom's delight because she pulled the handbrake.

"How dare you." She seethed, "How dare you speak to me like that. I have done nothing but give a shit about you all these years. I have been there for you, every nervous breakdown, every time you wanted to cry but wouldn't, every time you needed your Mother the most. I was the best Mother I could be because I know that deep down you were hurting." Her voice cracks. "I know that you struggled for so long, what with your parents and all, but I've done all I can to give you what they couldn't. I held you. I loved you. But now, what I'm getting back is this...attitude. All I did, Brie, was express my concern, and you immediately went on the defence." She paused again before lowering her tone, "And I know you want to hold on to this space stuff, so you don't lose someone else. And I know you're in pain. But is this actually what Grandpa would have wanted??"

We held each other's gaze for another moment before the light finally turned red. She started driving again.

But I wasn't done. "Really? All of that and for what, Mom? God, you have no idea what Grandpa wanted for me. If only you knew what he asked of me when he was lying in his deathbed."

"And what was that?" She raised a brow.

"It doesn't matter." I crossed my arms and was back to looking out the window.

"Of course." She stated.

"Just...stop, please. My grades will be better. Now, we're done having this conversation."

I could feel her seething, the heat of her anger radiating through the cramped vehicle. But she said no more.

Not even for the rest of the night.

[jujywrites]

Always Falling Down, part I

This was part of a rarepair gift exchange. mricj and I got matched because sometimes u CAN manifest what u want for urself~~~

This is Rosawatts for sure, but also very poly, very id-ficcy and very long (just under 7k....). with a small part 2 pending because WE BUILT THIS SHIP WE SAIL IT HOWEVER WE WANT oh and a playlist (click plz~)

PS: the plotbunny emerged from "i thought you (loved me)" by livj707. One of my top 10 TTM fics and the rest of them are in there too!

AO3

FF.net

or keep reading

(Part II here)

~~~~~

~We hold on to the good times and the right now and the long nights~

Can you hear when I say "I have never felt this way"? (I can't see you and me and her without each other)

Roxie

You were 8 or 9 when you realized that you responded to people’s emotions in an unusual way. Your mom’s anger made you feel like there was a small fire in your belly, no matter the amount or what the anger was directed at. Her joy when hummingbirds visited the garden you both made to attract them made you feel invincible. When she felt sad, everything looked gray.

So what, you thought. She was your mother; of course you’d be attuned to her mood. The same with the rest of your family. But there was a slight wrinkle in that logic— you sensed the emotions of your friends at school, and that affected you similarly, if with less intensity.

Soon after realizing that, though, came the realization that even friends of friends, even complete strangers, had emotional signals that you picked up without trying. You brought this up with one of your dad’s sisters (one of your favorite family members, were you ever pressed to admit it), because you couldn’t quite stomach having your mom worry about you. You were pretty sure what happened to you wasn’t normal.

Your aunt introduced you to the term empath, said her wife had the same ability that you did. She taught you ways to handle the side effects (as she put it), how to channel and control it, to some extent. Even with this, though, things got more complicated as you grew older. People’s emotions got louder.

The maelstrom this caused in you was nigh unbearable and (luckily?) manifested itself as stereotypical moody teenage behavior, when you weren’t wrestling with the attendant physical ailments. That led you to what’s turned out to be a lifelong interest in astronomy and stargazing. Or more accurately, it increased your at-the-time budding interest exponentially. Others’ emotions couldn’t sink their hooks into you, not when your mind was buried in a book or when you were alone outside on a clear warm night. Stargazing served as meditation, too, and slowly you gained a better grasp on this whole empath thing.

That was how you met Neil. He lived in another school district; somehow both of you claimed a little park in town as a prime stargazing spot. He said his gramps took him gazing every summer, and Neil found he wanted to do it more often than that. You didn’t know much about him besides that and some shows and video games he was into, but that was hardly a deterrent to your talking a blue streak in the rare times when both of you were done watching the sky. You talked about your hobbies, how school went, how your little brother was doing, what music you were obsessing over. You told him everything except your biggest secret, and even though he didn’t always acknowledge it all, you could feel he took it all in. He was the first person who had ever done that.

Then he moved away with hardly a goodbye, and that was that. You remember feeling hurt and sad for longer than a day, maybe a week or two, but time has worn away the memories of how you felt. College, of course, was the next big chapter in your life, when your present-day reputation for being bubbly and carefree developed. That had always been with you; college life simply made you turn it up to eleven, a coping mechanism of sorts in navigating the world as an empath.

Strange how the peace you found back then has led you right back to that feelings maelstrom, into the difficulty of parsing what belongs to you and what doesn’t.

You didn’t see Neil until you got to SigCorp, at which point all the moments he was in your periphery during training slapped you across the face, along with hazy childhood memories.

“You’re Roxie, right?”

And all the years without him collapsed together. Maybe you didn’t see much of each other, but your friendship still easily restarted, helped along by your shared sphere of work.

You’d say he’s your best friend, if you were asked.

Meeting Eva was a different kind of slap.

You could count the number of crushes you had on one hand, your relationships on six fingers. You hadn’t felt love yet.

You fell fast and hard for Eva. Then you got back up, and cut that off quicker than breathing, because no way would someone as cool, collected and straight-laced as her would ever be interested in you. (Plus, you had no idea if she was queer and that’s not something to ask someone you just met.)

And then there was Neil.

The two of them had capital-h History, obvious from the moment you saw them together. If anyone knew how much time you spend thinking about your friends’ relationship, the effort you put into trying to push them together, how much time recently you’ve invested in worry (especially over Eva, but Neil too) you’d get therapist recommendations at the very least—

It’s not just wishful thinking. Your empathy gives you a sixth sense as to which people are meant for each other, and/or are dealing with feelings towards each other (which also gave you a leg up in office gossip). And Neil and Eva fit so well; that’s why they were paired together, why you convinced Rob they should be a team, despite how much you liked working with her. Not that he needed convincing. That’s how obvious their compatibility was. And yes, this was despite their bickering (and Neil’s pranks on his partner).

What drew you to Rob, as a colleague and as a person, and helped you decide to permanently partner with him, is how quiet his emotions are. He’s hardly unfeeling, despite what others (like Neil) might say. No, it’s just that his emotions are blissfully subtle. Sometimes when you feel them flare up it’s like a gift.

His emotions toward you aren’t subtle, not these days. And sometimes you feel terrible for relying on him as much as you do. But that’s another thing.

Eva

The cases that go wrong from the beginning are always easier on you than the ones that go wrong when you’re so close to closing them out. Talking to loved ones afterwards is the common denominator, the same intensity of pain no matter what went wrong when. But you’ve grown used to that pain, used to letting it glance off your skin because this is your job, and perfection is impossible.

You thought you had, anyway. The case you failed barely twenty minutes ago, the one from which you’re walking to the car with Neil now, found a chink in your armor. A stupid rookie-level mistake that both of you believed you’d fixed came back to bite you; you almost didn’t log out of the machine before your client flatlined. You owned up to it, the client’s brother took a swing at Neil and tried at you, and the only reason you’re both out of there alive is the brother’s wife calming him down.

There’s still paperwork to finish. You did the bare minimum before getting the hell away from that place. And Neil has one whopper of a black eye that he’s too bullheaded to do anything about, because he had a spare pair of glasses and that makes everything just fine.

In the car, the practically-visible wall between you and Neil is even more unbearable given the post-case mood, and it makes you feel sick. This is far from the first case you’ve failed, with or without him. Hell, it’s not even the first case involving bodily harm directed at either of you. It still feels like the last straw. But you’re not going to quit, you tell yourself. Someone has to keep fighting.

Neil may have stopped trying, but there’s nothing stopping you from fighting enough for you both.

Robert

For the most part, you’re an analytical person. You’re able to compartmentalize your thoughts from your emotions, and often able to see past others' emotions to what might be eliciting them. And that’s why your work at Sigmund fits you so well, why you chose memory traversal over being a tech, as much as machines in general and Sigmund’s in specific interest you.

Your personality and Roxie’s make you an excellent team. Even though her default mode is happy-go-lucky, you’ve been partners long enough to know that she’s the kind of person who can feel everything, all at once, and weather it. That talent must have always been there, under the surface; it’s probably what drew you to her in the first place.

Being able to compartmentalize, however, only gets you so far. You’re hardly immune to base emotions, yours or others’. You get frustrated when you know something is wrong, someone’s having a problem, and that your clear-headed distance from the situation isn’t helping fix it.

Watts and Rosalene, one of your best teams, one of the best you’ve ever seen since you joined Sigmund, have been backsliding for some time. Their ratio of completed cases to failed ones is still good (and they’ve had some brilliant successes), but their previous case was a failure and the mood leading up to their next one is not promising, to say the least. They’ve had innumerable rough patches, no question, but even you can tell there’s a good bit of the personal getting muddled with the professional in this patch. You’re in the unenviable position of having to monitor them, getting closer to explaining to the higher-ups why they are still viable.

Viable. What a cold word. Makes you clammy to think of it in reference to your colleagues. Your almost-friends. It’s... bothersome, to see them fracturing, or whatever less-ominous thing might be happening.

On top of that, there’s something off about Roxie. A dimming of her natural light. The only other time that’s happened is when her brother got sick; he’d been in dire straits before he recovered, and the recovery had been hard.

You know this because Roxie told you. You seem to be good at listening. If only you weren’t abysmal at asking. Not that Watts— Neil— would divulge anything, and Rosalene— Eva— seems even less likely to.

You’d ask Roxie but with her, you’re terrified of not knowing what to say.

Neil

You could’ve decked that guy. Definitely could have. For once it isn’t braggadocio— the things he said about you and Eva made you see red. He telegraphed really badly too, so you could sidestep him (he was like two feet taller than you and you aren’t a total idiot), but taking a swing at Eva?! Good thing the guy’s wife stepped in or things would’ve gotten even more fucked. Because of you and for you.

Of course, with the adrenaline gone, your mutual antisocial...ness, toward each other (what? You can’t word when you’re tired) rushes in to fill the vacuum. It’s frigid out too, which is great. And your face kind of—

“Ah, fuck me,” you mutter as your piece-of-crap company car decides to break down in the middle of an empty road.

Eva sighs epically. Her breath clouds. “Shit.”

Ha, she legit swore.

Your momentary amusement is bulldozed by the inconvenient need to talk. The second you’re alone alone with her, in lulls before or after cases, in downtime at the office, the words bubble up in your throat, more insistent every time. And every time you try to open your mouth, they disappear. It’s been like this for weeks, ever since The Incident.

She found the not-from-Sigmund company letter. She found the (other) pills. Unlocked door or not, you haven’t forgiven her for the breach of privacy. She hasn’t forgiven you for keeping (those kinds of) secrets from her. And here you are now.

You don’t know how much more you can take.

Eva speaks before you can get your voice working. “I’m calling Roxie.”

“How?” Flipping open your phone, you glare at it. “No reception out here.”

“We passed a payphone on the way here. Shouldn’t be more than a 5 minute walk.”

You just gape at her while she bundles up in her scarf and hood. “It’s minus fifty!”

Her eyes meet yours for half a second. “Don’t exaggerate, Neil. Not tonight.”

And, predictably useless, you watch her get out of the car and start walking, snowflakes shining around her in the dimming headlights.

Roxie

One of the things about being an empath is, it’s easier to tell when someone’s romantically interested in you. (Too bad there’s no one-night-stand-interest sensor.) That feeling has a certain color to it, distinguishing it from friendship or dislike. And it’s the reason why you haven’t dated much. Every time you’ve felt it, it’s been like a flipped switch, a lightning bolt, leaving you unprepared and uncomfortable every time. Sometimes it’s been because you don’t return their feelings, sometimes because you need a few days to adjust to the idea. Even with one of the ones you liked back (a post-college roommate, because you may be an empath but that doesn’t exempt you from so-called clichés), it petered out eventually when you didn’t fit together anymore.

With Rob, it’s different. So subtle you don’t realize right away. And so soft it’s easy to lean into and pretend you don’t quite know how he feels, keep your already intimate friendship separate from that other kind of intimacy.

You like him. Want to like him as more than a friend, the way he likes you. If you could only let go of your ridiculous double crush.

There’s only so much room a heart should have, anyway.

Eva

The incongruity of using payphones hits whenever you have to use one, which thankfully is extremely rare. You’ve learned the hard way to keep a small stash of quarters within easy reach on cases, whether they’re located in the boonies or not. Even with gloves on, your hands are so cold that there’s a lot of fumbling involved in getting them into the machine, more fumbling while you pull up Roxie’s contact info on your phone. Not that you need to; you’ve got it memorized. She’s picked you up more than once.

It hits you square between the eyes this time, so you can’t ignore it: Roxie’s been like emotional glue, from back when you were a greenhorn changing partners every couple of weeks to now. She was the constant for you back then, and then became your tech specialist for a hefty amount of cases until you got paired with Neil. She’s patched things up several times when you wanted to strangle him, by talking you down, or being a mediator, or just listening to you rant. And since tonight is turning into one giant negative thought spiral, you get stuck on how much emotional support you’ve taken from her without giving anything back, alike or different. After this, well, you have to come up with something. A restaurant gift card? Ice cream from that new place down the road from yours? Why is food the only thing you can think of? True, food has meaning, but you sh—

“Hello?”

“Roxie. It’s me. Eva.”

“Hey! What’s up?”

“Hope I didn’t wake you,” you say on automatic. Nope, she’s probably—

“Nah, binging a few Shadow Junction episodes before hitting the hay,” she replies with a giggle.

Over this line, the brief silence is crackly. “I need a favor. Our car died on us…”

“Oh my god wait, you just finished a case!” There’s some scuffling and a small thump; when she speaks again her voice is closer. She must have taken you off speaker. “Where are you? I’ll pick you up ASAP.”

You give her a handful of landmarks, the compass direction. With the dark, the gathering snow, your barely-held-back exhaustion, you're starting to think you might be back in the simulation.

Your hands hurt. At least they still have feeling.

“There’s a storm coming, isn't there? Are you okay?”

“Tired. Cold. But, yeah, okay.”

“Hey, Eva?” Hearing your name wakes you up a little; the weight in Roxie’s tone wakes you up more. “I’ll call a tow for you on the way, but do me a favor and don’t hang up.”

“Sure,” you whisper.

She chatters about the latest plot developments on Shadow Junction for a few minutes; you feel like you're absorbing some of the energy in her voice. Then she says, “I’m getting on the highway now,” and then she says, slightly more subdued, “Do you want to tell me about your case?”

Nope. “It went badly, that’s all.”

More crackly silence. Then: “I know I’m repeating myself, Eva, but… are you okay?”

I’m fine.

I’ll be fine when I’m back home.

I’m used to this. It’s fine.

You say, “I think I’m losing Neil.”

The metal of the phone booth bites into your hand even through the glove. “I… found some things I shouldn’t have.” Roxie can keep secrets, contrary to her reputation. This one shouldn’t be her burden, and so you don’t share what you found. “He’s been conflicted about what we do for a while. I think he might be trying to leave Sigmund. And that’s his prerogative, but I just—”

You trained together, joined Sigmund together, starting planning to join Sigmund together. It’s been an enormous part of both your lives, and now you’ve been a team almost as long as your dream to be a part of this company existed. If Neil walks away, what will you have left?

Roxie. Robert. The McMillans. Eddie, Lisa, Logan. You won’t be alone, and you still have your purpose to guide you. But...

You were so certain you’d see that purpose through with Neil at your side, you don’t see how it would possibly be the same. How you could be the same. Sure puts a dent in your faith that you’re your own person.

You can’t simply ask him to stay. Some small irrational part of your brain thinks bringing up the subject at all will make it come to pass. And those pills. If he does leave, if Sigmund is part of his will too, what if—

You wipe at your wet cheeks and nose. “He’s my partner. I need to fix this, and I don’t— I don’t fucking know how.”

Your voice doesn’t sound nearly as broken as you feel.

Robert

It’s another night of Roxie on your couch, eating takeout from your favorite place and watching a movie together. Neither of you have defined your relationship. You’re fine with that, and you think she is too. And yet...

“Roxanne, I—” You love her, have for a long time now. But you’ve seen how she looks at Eva, and at Neil, and you know she doesn’t have room for you right now, don’t know if she ever will.

You had a chance. You realized your feelings for her well before she fell in love with them (or at least before she began to show signs). The obstacles were too many: she’s half your age, you work together but are sort-of kind-of boss and subordinate. All true. All excuses, too, because you weren’t brave (stupid) enough to take that chance.

But she’s come to you for comfort, and you aren’t an asshole; you won’t deny her that because she has a different measure of your relationship. You love her. You would care for her even without that.

Then she kisses you, and she says, “I’m sorry,” and curls up against you.

Roxie

You’re making a mistake, and you don’t care.

You needed that kiss. It soothed these pangs, this hollowness that’s grown over the past few weeks from whatever is going on between Eva and Neil. And the way Rob’s emotions have started to swirl feels dangerous. Addictive. You want more of that, the power to make his emotions dance with one touch.

It’s getting harder to ignore the voice calling you an awful person.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble into his chest. “I know, in every rule book ever made, that I’m leading you on. But I’m not trying to! I’m so sorry. I…” You swallow, sudden clarity hurting your throat. “I think I want to be with you. But, Neil and Eva…”

Saying their names brings fog back over you, reddened by wine. “I can’t explain it,” you whisper, arms around his shoulders. “I can’t... decide.”

You can’t give Rob what he deserves, what you finally know you want to give him, if you can’t make your mind up.

“We’ll figure it out.”

Despite the uncertainty you can practically taste, it feels like a promise. He holds you tighter, and you let yourself sink into him.

Neil

You’re tired, exhausted, and that makes your brain go all overdramatic, but even with that you’re pretty sure this is the shittiest night of your life. You can’t talk to Eva, and she won’t talk to you, and now you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere trying not to freeze to death, watching her freeze to death while she waits for Roxie to rescue both of you from freezing to death. The least you could do is stand by Eva and suffer with her. Then again, maybe she’d rather turn into an Evasicle in peace right now.

You resent how much this case haunts you. You resent even more your inability to walk away from Sigmund and from Eva. They wouldn’t care, but she (probably) would. Does. You wish that didn’t matter so much to you. It shouldn’t anymore, after what she did. The one time you don’t lock your office door. Like a goddamn house of cards. If she’d told you right after instead of sitting on it for a few days, making you wonder what the hell was wrong with her…

You’re such a hypocrite, with all the secrets you’ve kept and keep.

Everything feels gray. Heavy. Tunnel vision, maybe, from the cold and your lack of sleep. Stepping out into the wind chill would probably help you stay awake at this point, except you’re not so far gone as to actually follow through on that.

Eva’s left the phone booth and is standing in the snow, hood blown off from the wind, and she’s too bullheaded to pull it back up. You stare at her hair streaming out, your eyes grow blurry from snowflakes, and your thoughts drift back to distant nights spent with a talkative girl who shared your love of stars.

Roxie

You’re up late at home, watching the Shadow Junction episodes in your queue, when Eva calls you, voice tinny over a payphone. You can’t sense emotions tangibly without being in person, but her and Neil’s voices have a similar effect on you regardless, by now.

You talk with her until you’re on the road.

Something’s wrong besides their dead car, and Eva reveals the tip of the iceberg. You’re relieved. Your instinct hasn’t yet devolved into paranoia.

“He’s my partner. I need to fix this, and I don’t— I don’t fucking know how.”

The turnoff to where they are is coming up. “I can’t imagine how that must feel,” you say into your head mic. A white (gray?) lie. Her pain is making it hard for you to breathe. “But I’m getting you back to the office, and we’ll go from there. One step at a time. Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

You call the tow place as soon as you end her call. After that, things blur together until your car meets theirs.

The snow hasn’t stuck; it’s the light, fluffy kind that would be nice in another time and place. You can see Eva and Neil hunkered down in their seats.

You can’t get out of your car fast enough.

Eva’s first to get out once you reach them. She hugs you, and, yeah, you could probably die happy now. You’re such a mess.

“Thank god for you, Rox. Seriously.”

You’re such a mess. Neil’s relief nearly makes your knees crumple with its warmth, but there are... layers to it. Those layers and the ever-present knot of worry in your stomach keep you alert. Besides, it’s not (won’t ever be) the time or place to let them know everything you’re feeling. So you smile past your shivers and wave off his comment. “No problem. Of course I’ll bail you guys out of this weather!” Then you force your offer of a ride back out of lungs tightened with the fear that they’ll know what lies behind it. “Brought you some cider. Blankets too. To thaw you out for the paperwork, y’know.”

They accept. Of course they do; they don’t have a choice. If either of them suspect anything they aren’t showing it and dear god you are so overthinking this. “Tow truck should be here any minute, if you don’t mind waiting a bit longer.”

“You have heat in your car. That’s all I care about,” says Neil, and Eva says, “A few minutes more doesn’t matter.”

Then she puts her hand on his elbow as they walk the short way to your car, and all your stupid mushy probably-touch-starved brain can think is, there’s hope.

They settle in the back instead of splitting up over the passenger seat, and dumb hope unfurls further in your chest. You waste no time in unfolding blankets and handing them each a thermos. Eva acknowledges with a grateful smile, and you pretend not to notice how Neil flinches when you drape the blanket over him. You ignore the flashing burn when your hands meet their bodies, ignore how fast your heart is beating.

You have a plan, even though it’s a selfish one.

Eva

Roxie still believes her bright shiny mask is impenetrable, but you know her better than she thinks you do; something is worrying her. A lot. And here she is, practically saving both of your lives, and trying to hide it so you don’t feel any worse—

You’re faced with the sudden urge to kiss her.

She’s been a shoulder to lean on, a friend, a good friend. Why did this feeling burst through now? Did the weight of what you and Neil failed to do, the weight of what you know and what he’s not telling you, crack and cause this shift?

(What would she think if you tried?)

You push the urge away, but feel it beaming through when you take your first sip of cider.

Maybe in another life.

Robert

Roxie’s on the verge of breaking, and you can’t do one thing to help.

She stands by you, thermos in hand, while she waits for Eva and Neil to tie up some legalities and gather what they need. At this hour, the offices are silent to the point of suffocation. Having these three around is reminiscent of oxygen. Even so:

"I was really scared, you know?" she says, smiling, eyes painfully bright. "All I knew was I had to get them. So I did. They’ve been dealing with something tough and I couldn't ask them even though I wanted to and they were nearly hypothermic, Rob!" The noise that comes out of her is a shrill mockery of laughter. "So after they're done here, we're going back to my place. All of us. I don't want them to sleep alone. I'll hogtie Neil if I have to, I swear to god.”

There’s nothing you can say, so you just nod. And then you realize: there is something you can do.

You want Roxie to yourself, of course; most one-sided relationships are likely that selfish. You want her to be happy even more than that. So you excuse yourself to the bathroom, and then double back to the offices and poke through Eva’s ajar door, knocking on the jamb.

They’re both in there, which makes it easier for you. Neil’s already got a file folder stuffed with papers in his arms (which he nearly drops upon seeing you). You also notice the overnight bag next to him, and that Eva’s looking over hers.

(Of course. The weekend’s coming up. You should get your bag too.) That’ll make it easier for Roxie.

You’re also worried about them, so this isn’t only for Roxie’s sake. Eva looks like a shell of herself, and Neil’s posture seems to indicate he’s in pain.

“What’s up, Bob?” Neil plops the file folder into his bag. “We taking too long or something?”

You shake your head. “Take the time you need. I heard from Roxie tonight’s case didn't end well, so I thought I should check in.”

“We’re as all right as we can be,” Eva says, zipping up her bag. “And anyway, we’re done here.”

She stops when you don’t move from the doorway.

“She’s really worried about you two. I don’t know any details, but… go easy on her. She means well even when she’s overbearing.”

You turn and head back to the lobby, feeling overheated.

Neil

Roxie seems like a supernova in the frozen night (and if you weren’t half-frozen you'd be slapping yourself for your dumb metaphorical thoughts), and that light is enough, combined with Eva’s presence, to propel you into Roxie’s car.

You flinch because, somehow, her brief touch feels like it unlocks all your secrets. Ridiculous, because Eva got there first and you really hardly know Roxie.

The paperwork is second nature. You and Eva go to your respective offices; you squint as if that’ll make your handwriting look any less blurry (okay, guess your glasses need cleaning); at the last second you grab your overnight bag, and instead of heading back to the lobby you gravitate to Eva’s office and stand there like a dumbass while she finishes up.

You thump your bag on the floor. “Hey.”

“Hey,” she says without turning around.

You busy yourself with organizing your papers. But every so often you glance at her, and when you see she’s going through her overnight bag the urge to ask if she wants to stay at your place, or if you can stay at hers, is overpowering. Don’t ask, don’t— “Do you—”

There’s a knock, and of all people Rob’s standing there, as if tonight isn’t freaky enough. Still. Saved by the Bobert bell.

What he says, along with the sheer incongruity of his presence, knocks you out of your numbness for a few minutes. “Jeez,” you say once he leaves as fast as he came by, “he’s really got it bad for her, doesn’t he?”

A barely-heard whisper in your mind hisses, You should know.

She’s wearing an indecipherable expression. “I suppose so.”

It all makes slightly more sense when you get back to the lobby. Before you or Eva can open your mouths, Roxie’s talking.

“It’s been a really bad night for you two. I’ve been there, you don’t have to tell me anything, and... I won’t ask. But I’ve got a spare room and a couch at my place and you should take advantage of that for the night. I’ve already convinced Rob, and I won’t bother any of you, a-a-and I really think it’s for the best so, so please…”

As exposed as you’re feeling, you can see the appeal of staying at her place. It’s closer than yours, and yeah, okay, your brain cannot handle the logistics of dropping off and heading home. Besides, it’s pretty uncomfortable how upset she seems (even if it’s just about her sinking ship, har), and if this makes her feel better, well. You don’t know what’s going on, feel like you haven’t for hours, but you’re with people you know and who know you, even though they don’t know everything. There’s something to be said for having friends in the same line of work.

This rift between you and Eva hurts far more than you can admit to yourself, never mind anyone else. And even though Roxanne and Rob have no idea what’s happened, happening, between you two, them being with you feels like a bulwark holding back any further damage.

Maybe they might even help fix what’s broken.

Roxie could, maybesomehowsomeway. She seems like that kind of person, the kind who wants to fix people’s issues and is good at it, though who the hell knows where you got that impression. She’s standing closer, an arm’s length— a fact you only realize when she reaches up and takes off your glasses.

Roxie

You didn’t notice how close you’d gotten to Neil and Eva while you were talking, or that you’d been moving at all, until a shadow near Neil’s eyebrow catches your attention. At that instant, your accidental proximity doesn’t matter. Your heart stops for a split second. “Neil, your eye!”

“What about my—”

You remove his glasses. Eva gasps, like it’s A Bad Thing you just did (and okay, you can’t remember ever seeing his eyes before), and you can even sense Rob standing protectively close behind you. “Holy schnikes, Neil!” His right eye is nearly swollen shut, the bruise radiating nearly to his temple on that side and nearly across his nose on the other. “What happened?”

A tidal wave of guilt from Eva makes the room wobble, but Rob catches you.

“Sorry, more tired than I thought,” you say to their combined are you okays. Your nervous smile lands on Rob, who doesn’t look convinced. Still, he helps you upright silently.

Neil squints at you with his good eye. “What do you mean ‘what happened?’”

How can he not know? “It’s totally black??” You look from Neil to Eva and back, panic surfacing slowly. “It’s barely open??? Doesn’t it hurt?????”

Eva sighs, pulls a hand mirror from her bag, and holds it in front of him.

A pause.

“Huh,” he finally says. “Guess that explains why it’s a little harder to see.”

“Our client’s brother punched him.” Eva rubs at the bridge of her nose.

“He did not—”

“He said he was fine, but I thought he was just shrugging it off. I didn’t know he didn’t know! Don’t you remember your glasses broke?”

“He was huge! I dodged him easy! I…” Neil digs through his pockets indignantly for a few moments, then stops. “I don’t have my spare pair. Which… means that those…”

“Are your spare pair,” you finish gently, handing them back to him. “Neil, I think you might have a concussion.”

“Well, shit,” he says, at the same time Eva says, “That’s what I’m worried about.”

“That settles it.” You step back a couple paces, reluctantly. “You’re definitely coming back with me. I have ice and I have some bruise cream that’s pure magic, I swear.”

Neil huffs. “I already said I would.”

“You only thought it because I didn’t hear you.” You eke out a grin. “I’m not a mind-reader, you know!”

“Okay, well, this is my official yes let’s crash at your pad agreement.”

“Heard and acknowledged!”

Putting her bag over her shoulder, Eva says, “Then let’s go,” and leads the way to the elevators.

She and Neil take the backseat again, leaving Rob to sit in the passenger seat. Now that you’ve executed your plan, you seem to have lost whatever energy you had left.

The silence that falls, though, feels comforting instead of stifling.

~~~

The first step through your front door pulls a deep sigh out of you. Rob, Eva, and Neil’s various flavors of tension decrease slightly.

“I’m just gonna… stop for a minute.” So saying, Neil plops onto the floor in front of your stupid-huge couch.

“Sit wherever you like,” you say as you go to the kitchen for an ice pack.

You’re glad you turned the room into something slightly more presentable, even when you weren’t expecting three people to come by— cleaned up junky desserts from the coffee table, put pillows back, et cetera. You wrap a hand towel around the ice pack and bring it back to Neil, telling him to use light pressure. “I’ll go get the supplies.”

As soon as you flick on your bathroom light and see yourself in the mirror, your throat tightens with the need to cry. A few gasping sobs come out of you but, “Okay okay okay,” you whimper, clutching the sink rim, they’re here, you got them, you’ve made them safe now. “Get it together. Snap the hell out of it. You’ve got a job to do.”

You gather everything you think you need and then go back over it: disposable gloves, the arnica bruise cream, antiseptic wipes, washcloth, cup of warm water, 8-hour painkiller/swelling reducer. Then you splash off and dry your face, finagle all of it into your arms, and get back out there.

Neil’s made it onto your couch, probably because Eva’s sitting there now. She’s on his left. There’s space for you between them.

You’re friends. Colleagues. You’ve all been through highs and lows working at Sigmund, in parallel with each other. They can’t read your mind.

You unload your supplies onto the coffee table and take the seat.

Eva lets out a breath.

“Sorry for grabbing your glasses,” you say to Neil as you put on the gloves.

“Eh. Extenuating circumstances.” He shrugs. Takes them off. “‘Kay, do your worst.”

“I’ll be as careful as I can. First, these.” You hold up the wipe pack. “Your skin’s not broken so it shouldn’t sting, but I’ll make sure any excess is gone anyway. Oh—” You grab the pain pills. “Take these first, actually. I can get you water.”

“I have my own… water,” he mumbles, digging through his bag and retrieving a bottle. “Thanks.”

Once he’s taken the pills, you run the wipe all around the bruise, holding your breath while you dab at his closed eye. “Don’t move.” You wet the washcloth then and apply that, making sure no residue stays to get into his eye. That would suck.

“Okay, move if you need to. Magic cream’s the last thing!” You hold it up with a flourish. “Never had to use it on something this, uh,” you fumble for the word, “extensive, but I promise it’ll help.”

“Who died and made you Florence Nightingale?” he said with a chuckle.

You pause in the middle of daubing cream on your finger. “Who?”

“It’s an old reference. Really old. Like, my gramps knew the history, that’s how old.”

“Early 20th century nurse, I believe,” Rob says in a musing tone. “Founded the profession.”

“You’re almost as old as him, so you don’t count.”

“She opened the first nursing school, too,” says Eva.

“And you’re a nerd so you also don’t count.”

“She sounds pretty cool,” you say quietly; you’re close to Neil’s face again, applying the cream from the outside of the bruise in. “Glad someone’s remembering her, still.”

You don’t even notice the silence fall, you’re concentrating so hard.

Neil holds his breath this time when you put the tiniest amount of cream on and around his eyelids, using the barest pressure to rub it in and still wincing in his place.

You’re very close to him. Your hand tingles. Whatever’s charging the atmosphere is impossible to analyze.

“Um. All done.” You pull your hand away, look away, throw the glove into the little trash can under the table.

“Rox?”

You look back at him and try to breathe evenly.

“Just… thanks. For all this. And…” He leans forward to catch Eva’s gaze. “...sorry I got my head bashed in and forgot about it.”

“We should get that checked out tomorrow.” Her voice is worn, but her eyes are soft.

Your worry changes form in that instant, from low-key constancy in your veins to the choking kind of worry that comes from realizing you love them, are in love with them, your best friends who are in love with each other and either don’t know or can’t admit it. They certainly don’t have the room to accept your feelings.

You’ve known this for long enough; it’s hardly a revelation. But something about tonight has crystallized your feelings, made them impossible to bury. Now you know the origin of the physical ache that’s been dogging you for weeks, to the point of becoming a second skin, and you desperately wish you could do anything to ease Neil and Eva’s pain as much for yourself as for them. You just squeeze Neil’s hand, pretend Eva taking yours doesn’t stop your heart, and stare at Robert who graciously doesn’t stare back.

You nod, because you don’t trust your voice. But then you speak anyway. “We’re a team. Mismatched as we may be. We gotta stick together, you know?”

Looking at them both, you see Eva smile, and even Neil has a tiny flash of one when he says, “The four musketeers, or something?”

“Close enough.” Robert, soft, as he eases onto the couch next to Eva.

“No, exactly. One for all, and…” You swallow, looking at Neil, wishing so hard for Eva’s sake. “And all for one.”

Your hands left Eva’s and Neil’s to settle on the couch minutes ago, but now, almost synchronized, their hands cover yours again.

Every ounce of tension rushes out of you, in spite of the fact that your brain is in red alert mode, your heart’s beating fast enough it hurts, and heat’s flashing through you from head to toe.

Maybe one day you’ll tell Neil and Eva everything you feel. Maybe one day you’ll share your biggest secret with all three of them. But for now, all that matters is that you’re all together, safe for tonight, warm and dry. All that matters is the others’ emotions are blending into a shared, soft calm, that you’re almost, just about, being held by them. All that matters is that you all have each other.

For once in a long while, your mind is quiet.

[marlahey]

@rochey1010​ going back and forth in long-winded replies seems like unnecessary effort for both of us so I hope you don’t mind another text post as I fully articulate my thoughts. as I’ve said before, you’re obviously entitled to your own opinions, but you’ve now seemed to make a lot of assumptions about me a fan/viewer/general consumer of media that I feel like I should clear up. you’ve also made some further claims about the show I’d like to pick up for discussion. If you want to speak further please feel free to respond but of course don’t feel obligated. This’ll be the last public post/reply I make and we can go back to ignoring each other in the tags!

Well i love Eliott/Lola's friendship and i have an upcoming post on that as i said in other posts. I love lola too but i'm sorry i didn't just start watching this show because lola was invented and there's a w/w love story. I've been here for seasons and carried over from OG. I have investment in eliott for personal reasons (mental health) and elu because duh. Their stories have been long running too as i said. And you don't have to be a main to set up a plot/arc. The things between them have been set up since S3 with minute par minute talk, S4 and Idriss, S5 and the cheating perspective, and now S6 and Lola friendship. That is intentional. Do you think it's a coincidence that Lucas talked about pansexuality and eliott having more choice in S5 and suddenly Eliott has a friendship with a girl. That lucas abandonment issues haven't been resolved and are now coming to the forefront because of this friendship? That max has stated that Eliott feels he can save someone from a darkness he himself went through, that eliott himself was sorta saved from the shadows by Lucas. That neils/david specifically stated that this character can help someone even though he has bipolar disorder. That with Eliott's arc there is a focus on his SKAM. That we now have new info about it serving the season. If you understand writing. These things aren't put there for fun. They are there to imply/hint/foreshadow events actions to come. That there is a character now on the show with Lola basically female eliott. Do you think these are all coincidences. This plot we are seeing has slowly been set up not just since S3 but actually heavily developed starting in S5. And that if you now go back and watch S5 you see our main players being set up for this plot e.g  dasille relationship, daphne's ED, Eliott and his individuality, Elu trust/insecurity issues, Eliott's art and it tying into seasonal themes, Lola herself and her outlier persona etc. I don't know whether you are but there are many fans have migrated over from espana just for this season. But you have to understand there is a long term fanbase here that love Eliott, are invested in him and have been waiting for more of his insight. We are now getting that and we will talk about him. He's a hugely popular character as is Lucas and their love. I love both and i will talk about both. Sometimes i won't talk much About lola and talk more about eliott, sometimes i'll connect them and discuss their relationship, sometimes i'll make a post about just about lola, daphne, tiff, benny, movie references as i have. But this is my blog and i'll post what i want to post. You don't have to read any of this stuff. The tag is a big place, just scroll by. As for the theories- just theories. And in my theories i believe these characters are going to make mistakes, fail and grow e.g. lola self Destructing again but being her own hero by the end, eliott and lola being dragged down like lucas said but showing the strength of their friendship by the end, lucas being proven right but also proven wrong by the end. Like i said specific dialogue now being used is not just there to fill the script e.g. "and i have lucas. I can't lose this" "i think one of you may bring the other down" and eliott is heading for a rock bottom as is lola. Again just my thoughts. 👍

While I find it odd that you seem to be gatekeeping the skam france fan community, to be clear I have seen the entirety of three iterations: og, france, and austin. I believe I started OG during s2 or 3, and have seen Fr and Aus from the beginning. I’m not as interested in other versions as I’m very familiar with the plots/characters by now. I’m partial to france as a bilingual canadian as it’s nice to exercise that part of my brain; I’ve also studied/lived there briefly and have some very close friends from france so that amplifies my enjoyment. I’m also bisexual, so I also find this ‘only here for lola + w/w’ when you yourself admit to being emotionally invested in the show’s most dominant queer ship dichotomy very awkward.  to be honest, I think many skam’s fandoms tend to fixate on the esak ship and their season. friends have seen other iterations and confirmed this for me. it happened with elu as expected so I was really unsurprised when maya was introduced and fandom immediately put a lot of their investment into shipping two characters of the same gender. nearly every fandom in general does this: teen wolf, glee, supernatural to name a few – even harry potter. I’m not really a fan of the romantic subplot in lola’s season. she is not elliot 2.0 for so many reasons; she’s her own person and she doesn’t need a romantic partner to be a compelling character with a compelling story. that being said, I liked elu’s season. I particularly love maxence’s elliot; he’s my favourite even. I was thrilled to see him onscreen however briefly after S3 every time he appeared. now he’s finally his own person outside of his relationship with lucas and I couldn’t be more pleased to see that.  I’m not sure how idriss and elliot reconnecting after the attempted kiss falling out plays into lucas’ insecurity or their relationship. it’s perhaps a reminder of his bipolar disorder or the fact that he clearly had friends/relationships before lucas, but I’m not sure how it’s relevant to the season at hand. the biphobia discussion with arthur preceeding lola’s introduction as the new main is not proof that lucas’ supposed abandonment issues are founded in any way, or that he even still has them when we meet her. by insisting on it, you’re perpetuating the harmful idea that any bi or pan person will be tempted to cheat or leave (physically or emotionally) when presented with literally any person whose gender opposes their current partner. this is something that skam fr had literally left unaddressed for so long even with representation in alexia and elliot, and I was so thrilled when it finally came up. it’s very uncomfortable that you’re now using that important conversation as apparent proof that lucas will be abandoned or betrayed, inadvertently or not, by his pansexual boyfriend. I know that daphné was meant to be s6′s main and skam fr wasn’t given the rights by og’s creator. so it makes sense that she/her relationship/struggles feature heavily in her sister’s season. I’m personally thrilled cause I love her and lula is a wonderful actress. that being said, not everything is foreshadowing. not every single interaction or conversation will return to further plot or character. sometimes storylines are just resolved or dropped and awareness raised is just awareness raised. sometimes it’s wonderful and sometimes less so. I understand writing. I’m saying this as a literal former english teacher (ignoring capitalization for aesthetic lol) and assistant in film/tv post-production with an MA in media studies. “Lucas, you have nothing to worry about, it’s not like that between us.” “I know, he explained it to me.”  I’m not sure how much clearer the literal show can be about this issue. spoiler or not, it’s been made abundantly clear that lola and elliot are not romantically involved. even more importantly and I’ve said this on my blog before, you’re allowed to have intimacy with someone without forcing it into a defined familial or romantic relationship. it doesn’t mean that someone’s partner should necessarily feel threatened or abandoned and says a lot more about that person’s insecurity than either individual in the friendship. we’ve also already discussed how much I dislike this turn for lucas’ character as elliot’s apparent MH saviour so it’s not worth repeating again. as for elliot saving lola, well he literally did that already. I’m not sure what you mean by lucas ‘being proven right and proven wrong’ by the end, but you’re obviously adamant that something will happen. I have also seen maxence’s interview a few times. I’ll not argue with the ‘lucas saved elliot from that shadow’ because it literally came from the actor’s mouth, but maxence doesn’t say he can save anyone else from their struggles, but help them and I think that’s a really important distinction. this whole saving idea doesn’t seem healthy at all, especially as lola and elliot grapple with their mental health. it seems like people want to see a ‘rock bottom’ (whatever that means) for them both and it makes me a little uncomfortable. addiction and MH struggles should not have to reach a breaking point in order to be considered resolved or cathartic; they don’t even have to be resolved, because they’re not a plot device. they’re a reality for so many people. the show does a good job of not romanticizing them but some of the things I see in the tag are just... yikes.  as for his ‘dark’ side and the less than happy elu moments, I’d argue that maxence may have meant literally punching out what’s his face to save lola and the subsequent argument(s) with lucas, since that interview came out just before ep 4. but there’s still several eps to go so I could be totally wrong. who knows. it’s your right to theorize on your own blog of course and it’s not my intention to be mean. I’m just trying to further the discourse in a respectful way. I do feel that you may put a little too much stock in what’s literally said/seen and assuming a lot in the unseen gaps, rather than considering a broader context. to wrap up though, lucas is free to have this (however hurtful) fear, just as you’re free to believe it’ll for sure come to pass.  I dread seeing either lola or elliot spiral out, but as 2020 has taught me, I very rarely get what I want lol. thank you @cakepleasee for helping me sort out my thoughts!

[smolmagicalmuffin]

In the Hands of Magic

Finally wrapped up my s4 ep 5 inspired fic. I’m not really confident with this one... especially with the way I wrote the ending. Feedback is appreciated and if anyone wants to recommend a better title that’s fine.  SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 5

He had met the octopus before. It was an unusual sight to see the creature perched on a chair, wearing a suit and wiggling its tentacles about. Its voice vibrated the vacuum that surrounded them. It was peculiar but he knew that he was in the presence of something divine. Something bigger than him and older than the universe itself.  The experience had changed him. It delivered much needed confidence and the last message he received… it stuck with him for a while. Which is why he wanted to pay the being a visit. He was hungry for information, sneaking around, hunting down items in the woods, and finding a peaceful spot… all to see it again. It was a difficult process. Quartermaster scared him away from the shed that he was searching for documents in. He had pulled up the wrong plant, earning him a few days of itchy red welts. Entering the dimension again was a bit bumpy. It took a few different chants and almost a month of attempts but eventually he arrived thanks to the full moon. “We meet again Harrison.” “Uh… hello?” He had appeared on the same tea party style table as last time. A football, rocks, a stuffed elephant and a playing card floated past them. The dimension wasn’t as empty as Harrison thought from his first trip. “I figured you would try to enter on your own. You seemed very curious. Be careful with your search for knowledge… might get you into trouble someday.” The octopus waved its tentacles around, words echoing. “I have so many questions.” Harrison grabbed a playing card as it drifted by. He returned it to the deck in this pocket.

“What do I call you? I don’t know your name and I’ve been seeing you as an it? Which just feels rude to me?” He pointed at the octopus, hand shaking.

A chuckle came from the ancient being. “Ah humans. I can tell you have a loving heart. You worry about offending me? That is almost impossible. I am not bound to the labels that your kind tends to adopt. I’ve been called several things throughout millennia. My gender is infinite. You may call me what you wish.”

It took a moment for Harrison to process that. He looked up in shock. “I can name you?”

“Yes. No pressure though. I can understand why it would be a burdensome task.”

Harrison fiddled with his fingers. He glanced at the suit that the octopus was wearing. Today it was a muted green with a yellow bow tie. “I’m not sure… I could name you Gray? You are gray but at the same time that seems stupid?

“That I can accept.” 

“Seriously?” “You worry about the approval of others too much. No need to fret. The name you assign me can be simple. Each name I’ve been assigned by mortals has a unique energy signature. Even if it is the  same name used by separate beings. It binds us together. “ “Should I be concerned?” 

“I am a neutral being assisting and guiding who I desire. That connection will not harm you. Let us make this connection official.” Harrison stared at his companion’s tentacles. “You want me to shake one of you tentacles?”

More laughter erupted from it. “Not necessary.” A tentacle reached out and pressed up against his forehead. The sensation was cold at first but it turned warm. His whole body shivered as energy passed through.

The newly named Gray took its tentacle away. “Complete.”

Harrison shook his head. “That was something.”

“It was nothing more than a simple ritual to bind us together. Do you have any more questions for me?” 

“How can I come back here without all of the work? Where are we?” Harrison waved his hands around.

Gray let out a soft chuckle. “This plane of existence has many names. It is a crossroads between multiple dimensions. Not every being can access this place.”

The stuffed elephant from earlier floated by again. “Stuff I made disappear is here? Is… my brother here? You told me that he said hi.” “Your abilities are quite talented for someone of your age. With some practice I can see you returning completely on your own. That I can teach you. Your brother? I have seen him around here. Do not worry. He is well taken care of.” This confused Harrison. If his brother was floating around in this plane why couldn’t Gray just bring him back? At the same time he was honored to have the attention of a higher being… even if it was a little creepy and slimy. Gray seemed to be trustworthy and a possible… friend? Yes. Harrison wanted to work on a relationship between the both of him. If the octopus couldn’t return his brother maybe it could pass on the knowledge to do it himself. Gray oddly blinked. “You have many thoughts at the moment”

Harrison shot it an offended look. “You read my mind?” “I admit to taking a peek. I was curious of your opinion. If this does disturb you I can be less obvious about it.” “How about you don’t take any peeks?” he snapped. “That I can not do. I have access to the minds of most mortals. They chatter and chatter. It is quite interesting if you give it a try. I do not advise that you attempt to look into mine. It is too incomprehensible and I would hate to lose a wonderful soul like you to insanity.”   “I...okay? Why would I do that? Its rude.” Harrison stammered. “You have goodness in your soul but I sensed a bit of darkness being held at bay. Nothing wrong with a controlled release of your darker wishes and desires. Prevents it all from boiling over.” “Dude you are creeping me out right now and I have no clue how to feel.” “Do you wish to go back?” “No. I want you to teach me things. I’ve been looking for someone to help me with my magic.” The fear in Harrison’s voice was replaced with confidence. This didn’t surprise Gray. It knew the boy viewed it as a potential teacher. He was a bit skeptical  and skittish but willing to listen. 

“I am afraid that this current visit must come to a close.”

Harrison titled his head. “So is that a no?” “I am willing to educate you on the use of your powers. However it will not be easy. We will meet very soon.” Harrison’s surroundings started to turn white. As everything around him faded he heard one last thing. “The hat you own and hold so dear is the key for your return.” He woke up in the forest laying on his back. The stars glittered above him. His hat was beside him. Harrison gazed at it while thinking about Gray’s last words. He made things appear and disappear with the hat. Perhaps it was a portal of some kind. Would stepping into the hat bring him back? But how could he return once he arrived? Wouldn’t that trap him? Could Gray just teleport him? His mind was buzzing with questions.

Harrison sighed and stood up. It was late and he needed rest. He could practice tomorrow. He walked along the path towards the circle of tents. Leaves crunched under his feet and he could have sworn that Quartermaster was behind him at some point. He stepped into the tent he shared with Preston. The young theater kid was snoring quite loudly. Harrison rolled his eyes. This was normal but that fact didn’t make it less annoying. Oh well he was starting to adjust and he was exhausted anyway. He slipped under the covers of his sleeping bag and instantly fell asleep.

“GOOD MORNING CAMPERS!” David’s cheerful voice rang through the recently repaired loudspeaker. Neil had helped and earned extra dessert as payment.

Harrison grumbled and rolled out of his sleeping bag. He got dressed and then shook Preston awake. His hearing was slowly starting to decline so Harrison decided to be a decent friend and help him out when needed.

“Did I miss announcements again?” Preston stretched. “They just started.” On cue they droned in the background. Gwen mentioned “Banana Pudding Night” and there was something about a dodgeball competition later in the week. Preston started humming and walked over to the corner of the tent to change. Clothes flew in Harrison’s direction. He picked those up, eyes rolling. “Hey next time keep your clothing on your side of the tent.” He left the tent.

Preston looked in his direction. “What?” Today’s plans were easy. Eat breakfast, do whatever activity the counselors set up, sneak off to practice magic and test his theory.

He mostly kept to himself. Normally he would be trying to get the other campers to view his illusions but the summer was almost over and he had a mission for the day. Nerris approached him during breakfast which made him both annoyed and oddly happy. Harrison was beginning to enjoy her company and the bickering between them was slowing down. Of course, since they were both children they would fight and argue but they found themselves more as friends than rivals these days. After a long and exhausting hike with David and the others Harrison decided to hangout behind his stage to practice. He made a mental note to update Nerris and Preston on his recent adventures after his next visit to Gray. He felt guilty for his distance lately.

He stared at the inside of his hat. “I don’t see anything?” He shoved his hand in and pulled out a rabbit. It sniffed at him before hopping off. 

“That didn’t work.” For the next half hour Harrison tried multiple things. Screaming into the hat. Jumping on the hat. Shoving his head inside the hat… which got him the closest result. He could see the dimension and was that Gray waving a tentacle to say hi?

He was close.

Harrison sighed and placed his hat on the ground. Instead of jumping, he would step into the hat. Maybe this would work? It was a more controlled action. 

He did just that. Once both feet were in the hat he was sucked downwards, landing face first onto the tea table. “There goes my tea. What a shame.” Harrison lifted his head up. Gray was directly in front of him and his suit was covered in tea. “My bad.” “That is no problem. I am used to this sort of thing.” In a flash of light Gray’s suit was clean again and Harrison was sitting in a chair.

“Congratulations. You discovered a way to get here on your own.”

“I mean… I did before?” He shrugged. “Ah yes. It was not smooth and simple like this time however.” Gray almost laughed. “I don’t know. Is almost throwing up as I’m hurled towards another plane of existence smooth?” Harrison’s voice raised in pitch with annoyance. “You will adjust. Travel is not rest on your mortal body.” “Quartermaster? How are you two connected? I don’t think I ever asked about that. And… what did he mean when he said that the world needed to be saved very millennia?” “Those are some difficult questions.” “Not really.” “Remember when I said that your search for knowledge might get you in trouble some day? This is what I meant.”  Gray’s eyes glowed for a moment causing Harrison to shiver.  “I can answer some of your questions but others will have to wait for the future.” “I’m sorry.” Harrison quickly apologized. Gray stretched out a tentacle and patted him on the head. “Humans like you make me have faith in your species. It is not very often I notice purehearted individuals. Without that… well Earth may no longer exist.” This concerned Harrison for a moment. Why was the octopus so focused on the idea of destruction? Yet so encouraging of his better traits and oddly trustworthy? He grew silent and awkwardly stared up.

“So what can you teach me?”

The next few weeks were very busy. Harrison’s perspective on Gray slowly begin to shift from fear to an acceptance of the odd habits that the being displayed. With every visit they grew closer and  eventually there was a friendship of sorts. Gray was annoyed but amused with the constant string of questions from Harrison. The young magician was also getting more powerful and beginning to stand up for himself and his friends.

On the last day of camp, Harrison decided to check in.

“Here again?” 

“I just wanted to say hi really quick.” He leaped up from his chair and began to float. “Still not used to this.” Harrison slowly did a flip in the air as he drifted away from the table. It was like he was underwater with a lack of gravity.

Gray began to glow. Harrison found himself in a different but yet familiar section of the dimension. Lots of objects surrounded him. His heart pounded as he realized the significance of the objects. It wasn’t just one or two objects that he made vanish before. It was almost everything. Which meant…

A figure came into view.  

“Blake!”

Harrison stuck out his arm. Kicking his feet, he got closer and closer to Blake. He did the same in response, yelling out in glee. His hand finally met his brother’s. He wrapped him in a big hug. “I’ve missed you so much...” Blake looked at Harrison with wide blue eyes. “Are we going home now?” “Yes we are.” In a poof of smoke they both vanished.

Pride was a rare emotion for Gray’s kind but with Harrison, it had those feelings towards the boy. Maybe in the future he would make a wonderful guardian, a similar role to Quartermaster. Humanity as a whole was going to be okay. Magic was in good hands.

[alcalavicci]

Jill’s timeline of Dean, 1936-1979. She said something about working on an 80s timeline too but I didn’t find it: 

Robert Dean Stockwell was born on March 5, 1936, at Cedars of Lebanon Hospital in Los Angeles.

His father was Harry Baylis Stockwell, age 30, an 'artist' employed by motion picture studios. His original birthplace was Missouri. His mother was Elizabeth Margaret Veronica, age 24, a 'housekeeper' employed at home. Her original birthplace was New York. This was her second child. [Me: Jill somehow got his birth certificate. I guess this was in the days before they got a lot more secure about who got birth certificates?? Either way, it’s not really something I approve of because that’s applying genealogical methods to a living person, which genealogists generally frown on doing.]

1953 - 1956: The mystery years. Jill: “Dean left college in the spring of 1953, and disappeared for awhile until he showed up doing live television in 1956. When interviewers asked him what he had been doing, he spun quite a fanciful tale. There is no way for any of us to know how much is true, and how much he was making up. According to him, he changed his name several times, and began an odyssey of traveling across country doing odd jobs and living with the laborers of the land (Woody Guthrie, anyone? Bob Dylan also made up his own past when he hit New York. Must have seemed quite romantic at the time). “Dean says that he worked in the mailroom of a large company in New York....but when people began to figure out who he was, he hit the road. Worked on the railroad in Texas....in Mexico.....worked as a fruit picker.....worked in a bakery in New Orleans.....eventually ended up in New York again, and decided to try acting once more.

Jill: “Here are a few facts I've been able to find: Dean attended the University of California in Berkeley from 1952 to the spring of 1953, when he dropped out. His brother Guy was attending the university at the same time, and when Guy graduated (probably 1954), he became a schoolteacher in northern California. A former pupil of Guy's recalls Dean coming into the classroom occasionally to read Shakespeare to them (how cool would that be?). Also, Dean himself has stated that he was in 'northern California' when James Dean was killed in an automobile accident (which was the fall of 1955).

“Because of these few facts, I get the feeling that Dean was with Guy during a lot of these 'lost years.'

“However, he definitely was in New York during 1956, as that is where the live TV shows were originating from that he appeared in. He attended a few classes at the Actor's Studio, which is where he met Suzanne Pleschette. Since she is a real person, I will take that fact at face value.

“The rest is a mystery.” [K: I think there’s some truth to Dean’s claims- he was in NYC during the summer of 1955 and acted in a religious show, The Wise in Heart, to get money to go back to LA, according to Nature Boy. Nature Boy’s author confirmed this was pulled from a magazine interview with Stockwell. So, between the summer of 1955 and up to fall/winter 1955 at the earliest, spring 1956 at the latest, he was with his brother in Northern California, working as a logger, before going back to LA. Between spring of 1953 and the summer of 1955? I’m sure he found work elsewhere, was recognized there, moved, changed jobs, and that’s why he went through so many, but he may have exaggerated as well. After moving to LA, Dean soon met Berman. They had certainly met well before 1957- Dean wrote a poem that mentioned Berman’s son Tosh blowing out the candles on his 21st birthday cake.]

1957: A new adult Dean Stockwell emerges. Sometimes Dean says he went back to Hollywood in 1956, but another time he stated he returned to Hollywood on his 21st birthday, in order to collect the money that had been held in trust for him (it wasn't very much.......I'm thinking around $25,000, but I'd have to look that up). Dean turned 21 on March 5, 1957.

This is the period when Roddy McDowall took that photo of Dean's that shows up on the mantel in the QL show "M.I.A." [Me: Dean doesn’t look that young in the picture, based on his hair. I’m thinking the picture that’s in Roddy’s art book was taken around this time, while the MIA picture was taken in the early 1960s.]

There is so much happening between 1956 and 1957, that I have a feeling he was traveling between New York and Hollywood, rather than staying put in one place. He makes his first film as an adult, a western, titled "Gun for a Coward." "The Careless Years" will follow that one, plus countless appearances on TV dramas, plus a run in a Broadway play "Compulsion" with Roddy McDowall from late 1957 to early 1958 (while rehearsing for Compulsion, he appears in live TV dramas from New York........he was busy!).

Also, in 1957, he began to hang out with the beatniks living in Topanga Canyon, above Los Angeles. His address is listed as an apartment building in Hollywood (there's a photo of that building in our Files section), but he eventually buys his own home up in the canyon (I have no idea what year).

Dean states in the recent Neil Young biography that he spent a lot of time with the artist Wallace Berman and his family, and that Berman's revolutionary way of thinking was a profound influence on him. Berman was an avant-garde artist who worked with collages and symbols, often incorporating Hebrew letters (having to do with the Kabbala). When Berman's art exhibition was closed down due to obscenity, it was Dean Stockwell who bailed him out of jail (this was still 1957).

1957 - 1959: This is the period of time that Dean is hanging out at Jazz clubs, and is referred to as a Hollywood Hipster (with the likes of another child star, Bobby Driscoll), when he's not being compared to the late James Dean. He shows up in a documentary about the 'Beats' in California (a film I would love to get my hands on. :-) It's also the time when Dean's name is being connected to quite a few Hollywood starlets (Janice Rule, Diane Varsi, Ina Balin, Suzanne Pleschette, Sandra Dee).

1959 - 1962: At this point, almost every interview/article about Dean Stockwell centers on his relationship with another quirky personality, Millie Perkins. They were young, they were different from the mainstream, they were 'hip' without being obnoxious, and they made a cute couple. It's difficult for me to even figure out what else Dean was doing at the time, because everything centers around his marriage to Millie (1960 - 1962), and their efforts to hide from the press. They are married shortly after he finished "Sons and Lovers" and are going through a divorce by the time of "Long Day's Journey Into Night."

A brief glimpse into Dean's character is provided by Katherine Hepburn, during the filming of Long Day's Journey - he showed up for filming on the first day, an outdoor scene, without a coat during cold weather. That bothered Kate so much, she went out and bought him a coat, and had it there for him the following day. The director stated that Kate Hepburn had a soft spot for heavy drinkers. Apparently Dean arrived for work with a bottle of vodka close at hand. Sounds like he was getting a bit of a reputation.

1963: This is when Dean runs into Dennis Hopper again (they first met in New York in 1957, through their mutual friend Roddy McDowall). They become lifelong friends. Dean is mentioned in 'Andy Warhol's Diary' as being one of the guests at a party at Hopper's house, with Russ Tamblyn and Suzanne Pleschette. [Me: According to Semina Culture, this is also around the time when Dean met his longtime girlfriend Toni Basil.]

A photo of Dean from these days was taken by Dennis Hopper, and can be found in our Files, as well as in the Photo Album on our Website. [Me: That picture- with the egg on Dean’s face- was taken in 1965.]

1965 - Makes frequent appearances as a continuing character on the TV series "Dr. Kildare." Stars in a black and white film shot in France, titled "Rapture."

1966 - creates a short art film titled "Moonstone" with his artist friend George Herms

1966 and 1967 - in a sense, we can call these 2 years as 'lost years' or 'mystery years' also. Only called that because Dean's life at the time cannot be discerned by movies or TV appearances. Instead, we find Dean creating collages for Art Showings, living in Haight-Ashbury (verified by the beatnik poet Charles Plymell, who became a friend of his at the time), and perhaps sojourning in London for awhile. While in Haight-Ashbury, he attends parties at Plymell's apartment with the likes of Neal Cassady and Allen Ginsberg. [Me: There was Mr. Paracelsus, Who Are You? early around this time, but after that, nothing until late 1967.]

1968 - appeared in the psychedelic hippie movie "Psych-Out"; according to sources, the only actor in the film who actually lived in the Haight district at the time. But not for long, because now he's reappearing in Topanga Canyon with Russ Tamblyn, and eating breakfast at the local restaurant there. He befriends the female owner, who introduces him to her new boyfriend - Neil Young.

Also starred in a British TV mystery drama (which puts him in London, if only briefly). [Me: This was Thirty-Minute Theatre: Before Breakfast.]

Also made appearances on The Danny Thomas Show, and FBI.

Finishes the decade by performing (most charmingly) in a Bonanza episode....... and writing a screenplay titled "After the Gold Rush." Introduces George Herms to the music of Neil Young during an acid trip.

1970 to 1973 = Dean continues to make short art films with his friend George Herms. Also makes a short documentary about the making of "Breakaway," which was an art film created by the artist Bruce Connor, starring Dean's girlfriend at the time, Toni Basil.

1970 = stars in the film "Dunwich Horror" with his friend from the 1950's, Sandra Dee. Asks George Herms to paint the hieroglyphics on his torso for a scene in the film.

1971 = Joins his friend Dennis Hopper and other "Misfits of Hollywood" in Peru for the making of Hopper's film "The Last Movie." LIFE Magazine does a cover story about Hopper down in Peru, and stories circulate about the wild times on the set. Hopper spends a year editing the film, but Universal refuses to distribute it. The title of the film is almost prophetic regarding Hopper's career. [Me: His stepmother Nina Olivette passes away this year.]

Also in 1971, Dean stars in two television movies - "Paper Man" and "The Failing of Raymond."

1972 = stars in a low-budget biker-on-the-road flick titled "The Loners." The press release for the film states that Dean Stockwell has 'been living in England.'

1973 = Stars in "The Werewolf of Washington." Dean later says that the script was funny, but he knew by the very first day on the set that he was in a stinker.

1974 = Appears in a play in Albuquerque called "Relatively Speaking," and tells an interviewer from the local paper that he is tired of being typecast as a murderous lunatic who guest stars on television dramas. He would like to try comedy. [Me: There’s a 1972 newspaper article about Win Place or Steal that says he’d love to do more comedy, but I think his first comedic role as an adult was in his 1964 episode of Burke’s Law.]

Also around this time he is showing up in Taos quite a bit, getting drunk and stoned in bars with Dennis Hopper. But even though he was getting quite a reputation in Taos (and not a good one - Dean quotes, with good humor, a person saying "I always thought Dennis Hopper was the biggest asshole in Taos - until I met the other guy....,"), that isn't his entire existence. He is also still living in Topanga Canyon above Los Angeles, and the magazine "Fighting Stars" does a cover story on Dean about his newfound interest, Stickfighting.

Dean comes across in the interview as an eager, enthusiastic man, younger than his stated age (the photos that accompany the article look like a man in his 20's instead of a man approaching 40), who has discovered the martial art Stickfighting after appearing in a low-budget film in the Phillipines. He is so involved with this sport that he brings his instructor over from the Phillipines, Remy Presas, to stay at his house. He also tells the interviewer that he really doesn't care if he never acts again, as long as he can be involved in this martial art.

At the same time, though, Dean is happy to give his blessing to an official Fan Club, started by a woman named Geordie James (whom our member Claire was corresponding with at the time). Dean even telephoned Ms. James when he returned from the Phillipines, and he sounded just as eager and enthusiastic over the phone as he comes across in the magazine interview. Alas, there was a fire at the home of Ms. James, and the Fan Club never got off the ground.

1975 = stars in another low-budget film, this time a comedy, titled "Win, Place or Steal," with his friend and Topanga Canyon neighbor Russ Tamblyn. [Me: This was filmed around 1972.]

Also in 1975, spends a fastpaced summer with his friend David Bowie, who was living in Hollywood at the time. Bowie recalls making the club scene with Dean and Dennis; Iggy Pop remembers them visiting him in the mental hospital.

1976 = Does the photography/artwork for the cover of Neil Young's album "American Stars 'N Bars" (9 years earlier, Dean had contributed a photo of the artist Wallace Berman for the cover of the Beatles "Sgt. Pepper" album).

Also, in 1976, Dean and his girlfriend Toni Basil accompanied Dennis Hopper to the Cannes Film Festival for a showing of the independent film "Tracks," which both Dean and Dennis had appeared in. According to the gossip columns, there were parties on the beach from dusk to dawn, and it was here that Dean meets his future wife, Joy Marchenko. They begin a 5 year correspondence.

1977 to 1978 = Toni is very active in the punk rock scene, and the artist Bruce Conner makes a documentary about punk rock clubs in California, with her in it. Toni introduces Dean to the band Devo. Dean makes a tape of their music and gives it to Neil Young. Then Dean takes Neil to a club to see them.

1978 = Probably the beginning of the breakup with Toni, as she begins an affair with Devo's bass player. Dean moves in with Russ Tamblyn, still up in Topanga Canyon. During a frisbee game with Russ and Neil, the idea for "Human Highway" takes shape. Joined by Dennis Hopper and Devo, they begin filming a movie which will ultimately take 5 years to complete, and will end up being completely different than the original conception.

Stories circulate about the wild times on the set, which began as simple outdoor shots filmed around Taos, New Mexico, but which will end up being a very expensive studio set created by Neil Young's imagination.

1979 = Dean appears in Las Vegas doing comedy dinner theater ("Come Blow Your Horn"). Also directs an avant-garde play in Los Angeles called "Man With Bags," starring Russ Tamblyn (this is where our member Claire gets to meet him). A few weeks later she gets to meet him again at an art exhibition of George Herms' work, which includes a showing of Dean's film creation "Moonstone." A good time was had by all.

[mazojo]

Favorite Sohma’s

Hi yes, uh, I needed a space to rant about fruits basket because I am still very broken so yea

Disclaimer that this is just my opinion and I still love them all very much, just needed to get this out of my system ayee. Also I will include a song that reminds me of them because I am that invested in this so yeaaaa

14- Kagura Sohma

Boy by Little Mix - “I know what you’re worth girl, you know what you got”

I rank Kagura as my least favorite just for the fact that I cant really relate to her I guess? I mean, she is okay, I think she is cute and all but I don't think violence is the way to go about her struggles and she is so much more worth than she gives herself credits for. In the end, I dont think I full understood her big struggle as much as the other characters and thats why she is at number 14, although I want her to be happy and full of love and support like the others ;w;

13- Akito Sohma

My Eyes by Neil Patrick Harris and Felicia Day - “But it’s plain to see, Evil inside of me is on the rise”

Akito is a complicated one for me man. Of course, in the beginning and throughout the manga you learn to really dislike her because she did some terrible things, specially to my baby boi Yuki and eye-.... But then when we learn more about her and everything she has gone through we start sympathizing with her but i..... cant just forget everything she did. I get she was traumatized since she was little, she became dependent on the zodiacs because of her father’s words and mother’s behaviour thus becoming a broken person with this big responsibility she didn't ask for. It really ticks me however, how much pain the others underwent through her, and even though its a healing process, the traumas and everything they suffered is still there which is why I cant place her higher. I do not hate her by any means, but she isnt my favorite person on this list either. I do ship her with Shigure and I think they help each other out, and they grow from the other.

12- Shigure Sohma

Used to the Darkness by Des Rocs - “Now would you pray before you twist the knife? Yeah, would you take my hand and take a life?”

*big sigh* Shigure is also a complicated one for me. It may be my big dumb energies showing but I didnt fully get a grasp on his character? I know he was doing everything for Akito’s sake to liberate from the curse and be with her so she is finally a “woman” but he always acted a bit shady xD?? I would have love to know more about his backstory, we dont get much from his motivations and character other than the perverted aspect and that he loves Akito lmaoo. I do think he is hilarious and I love the dynamic he has with Hatori and Ayame lol

11- Ayame Sohma

Starships by Nicky Minaj - “Starships were menat to fly, Hands up and touch the sky “

To be honest I am pretty neutral about Ayame’s character. He is hilarious and I love how Yuki insults him every tike he gets the chance lolll. I like how throughout the story he tries to change to become a better brother to Yuki and person even though he is pretty extra most of the time about it. He has a good heart and even though he made some mistakes he owns up to them which in my opinion, makes him a good character <33 I love his friendship with Hatori lmaooo they balance each other out sooo well

10- Kureno Sohma

Taking Chances by Celine Dion - “Never knowing if there's solid ground below, Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay”

I really like Kureno! He has gone through quite a bit and he needs a hug. I am sad thinking how most of his life he lead it pretty similarly to Yuki’s, apart from everyone and super enclosed to his relationship with Akito due to him breaking the curse and feeling bad about it. I do wish we would have gotten to know more about his personality and story, if we did I would have definitely ranked him higher! He really reminds me of Tohru’s father and I think Uotani is perfect for him <33 would have love to see more about the two of them and hopefully they expand upon it in the anime

9- Ritsu Sohma

Waving Through a Window by Ben Platt - “On the outside, always looking in, Will I ever be more than I've always been?”

Okay okay so I have a lot of thoughts on Ritsu. Manga Ritsu is okay, I really dont have much of an opinion on him due to him appearing only in a few chapters, I feel like from the Sohma’s, he is the one we get the least information about. But then the anime episode came out where they presented Ritsu and I thought they gave him so much more life and rounded personality where, I get to relate a lot to him? I am someone who is constantly apologizing for absolutely no reason and seeing him be all anxious and stressed about others interactions is big relate to me and I stan. I also think the whole dressing as a woman plot line is better dealt with in the anime and I hope we get to see more about his insecurities and troubles in the future because he is truly a very interesting character! I stan my one (1) anxious monkey.

8- Kisa Sohma

Mean by Taylor Swift - “But you can take me down with just one single blow, But you don't know what you don't know”

Cinnammon rooooooolll. Kisa is such a cutie. I dont have much to say other than my mood every time I think about Kisa is hugging her like Tohru does because she is babyyyy. Also her bullying story is one I think many viewers and readers can relate a lot to and such an important topic I think they covered pretty well and I loveee. Also her and Hiro are one of my favorite ships because they work so well and asdfgh in this household Kisa is a queennn.

7- Isuzu Sohma

Take me Home by Jess Glynne - “Came to you with a broken faith, Gave me more than a hand to hold”

I really like Isuzu!! I am pretty bummed we wont get to meet her in season 1 of the Anime reboot but hopefully in the nest season! She is quite a complex character that I didnt really understand at the beginning but once we see how much she loves Haru and all that she does in order to protect and keep him save she really went up my list. She has gone through so much, from her shattered reality from her parents, Akito threatening Haru, her being locked up withour given any food.... Isuzu is so strong and one of the best build characters in the series and I am super excited to see her in the anime!

6- Hiro Sohma

Time to be a Man by The Airborne Toxic Event - “And it’s time to be a man, Tell me how does that go?”

My bastard childdd <33 He is such an asshole and such a sweetie at the same time. His whole inner struggle of not feeling like a good enough man for Kisa is so heartwhelming and I think it really makes sense to the type of person he is. The flashbacks of him telling Akito how he loves Kisa and the feeling of uncertainty and impotency when seeing the girl he loves being hurt by his actions and wanting to be good enough for her even though he is more than enough sdfghjasd. I am also a softie for older brothers who love their families *cough cough* spoiler alert: Momiji *cough cough* that I love me one angry boi

5- Hatsuharu Sohma

4 Seasons by Rex Orange County - “I saw myself as less and you so high above me”

Cow boil! apart from the fact that I love love loveeee Haru’s design, I think he is also such a well build character! He is not only supportive of everyone (aka the loves of his life, Rin and Yuki xDD) but he is so interesting! His split personalities give him a cool trait (even though dark Haru doesnt appear much in the end of the manga) and I love how he helps everyone and makes sure those he loves are protected at all cost and happy. He is Rin and Yuki’s fan club stan leader and I am co-leader so we been stanning aye

4- Hatori Sohma

Fireflies by Owl City - “I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes, I got misty eyes as they said farewell”

Boooooy the next four to come are my absolute favorties and I would die for their happiness and love so *takes big breathe* I LoVE hAtORi sOhMAAa. To be honest when we first meet him I didnt like him much. I thought he was your usual dark deep character who doesnt talk much because he is too cool for everyone (which, he is) and that was that. But boi was I in for a riDE. His story about having to erase the memories from the woman he loves is one of the ones I cried through the most. I put myself in his shoes and wonder if I had to erase the memory of the person I loved the most, make them forget they ever met me, all our happy times, sad times, angry times.... No matter what its one of the most saddening moments and the whole scene is heartbreaking, which makes me love Hatori even more for the fact of how strong he is and selfless. He puts himself before others and he need to know he also deserves happiness and I am glad in the end he got it because homeboy needed a break ;w;. I also adore Ayame’s relationship with him xDD, he is like his idol and big same.

3- Kyo Sohma 

This song saved my Life by Simple Plan - “Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me, Trapped in a world where everyone hates me”

Top three babyyyy. We have now my angry cat boi™. I mentioned it before but going into the reboot firsthand without reading the manga nor watching the first anime, I thought Kyo was going to be my absolute favorite character. I knew he would be the angry boi who was soft inside and probably had a tragic backstory™ that made him act the way he did and I am a sucker for those types of characters. And I love Kyo, I really do, specially when we find out more about his struggles and past. The exclusion he felt throughout his life for being the cat, the abandonment, feeling like he had no one and was ready to die because he didn't have any source of genuine happiness (well, apart from Kazuma ya know but stillll). Then he finds Tohru, the girl he promised to protect, the one that reminded him of the woman that helped him out all those years ago and I just.... poetic cinema at its finest. Kyo and Tohru make one of my favorite couples and I love how flustered and In absolute l o v e he is with her and Kyo is great man....

2- Yuki Sohma

Nandemonaiya by RADWIMPS - “Crying even when you're happy, Smiling even when you're feeling lonely”

THIS WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST DECISIONS OF MA ENTIRE WEEB CAREER SO EXCUSE WHILE I SCREAM. Yuki Sohma won my heart and entire soul throughout the series. I liked him from the start but he wasn't my favorite favorite at the beginning you know? I thought he was isolated and thats why he didn't have much friends and he was perfect and what not but boi was I wrong and happy about it. I think one of the reasons Yuki is one of my favorite characters in fruits basket is how much I can see myself in him. Having the constant need of perfection while also wanting to connect with others but finding it hard is something I personally struggle with and every time we learned a little bit about his backstory my heart broke. Everything Yuki had to go through, the rejection, the isolation, understanding that you are loved and not a burden, falling in love with someone, finding that figure of a mother/friend he always yearned for.... The complexity of Yuki’s character is astounding and I love my rat boi so so much.... When he joins the student council, finding his little group of friends and opening up to a more carefree and true Yuki, forgiving those around him and going and eye- YuKI IS MY BABY RAT BOI AND STAN HIM OR PERISH FROM HERE ;w;

1- Momiji Sohma 

Eine Kleine by Rachie - “If I were to go through life living just to take somebody else's place, Then I would rather have been born as a pebble, living out my peaceful days “

*Clears throat* *trumpets sounds intensify* *stands on podium* I LOVE MOMIJI SOHMA WITH ALL MY HEART AND HE MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS. Thats it. Thats what I want you to get out of this post. I don't know if this is maybe an unpopular opinion-ish but Momiji’s backstory of his mother rejecting him, saying awful things, him having to accept being forgotten by his mother and sister whom he loved, not even being able to live with his family, is one of the most heartbreaking ones of fruits basket. Maybe its like what I said with Hiro and I am a sucker for big brothers that love their families, the sad smile of Momiji, my baby, angel, perfection when he sees his family and not being able to be with them, him loving Tohru but letting her go and be with Kyo because its her happiness that matters to him and I am-..... The selflessness of Momiji and how much of a sweetheart he is, his heart of gold and always being there for those around him, that moment where Akito was looking for Tohru and he got hurt trying to defend her.... Momiji is one of my all time favorite characters. He is a precious bean and I will never not shut up about my love for ma boi <333

Anyways that was long and ramble but I just needed to shout this somewhere because I've been missing they //rip

[pinespittinink]

The Publishing Debacle

Recent reading, comments, and my own personal history with publishing and querying has got me thinking a lot about traditional publishing and the entire landscape surrounding it, as well as the nature of my own writing.

I am published. The Witch Market is the result of, if you had to categorize it, assisted self-publishing. What does that mean? To put it short, I entered a contest spun by a local small publishing branch, and I won second place. The company however, liked the three winning books so much that they decided to offer the first place prize to all of us— a full-ride with the company to publish our novels. I paid some money involved with The Witch Market, but only in regards to marketing and art— the latter of which I had really just commissioned for private use, though it ended up being included. I mention it though, because the amount of money I paid is nothing compared to what most indie self-publishing authors pay to get their book off the ground.

The Witch Market is the product of seventeen year-old Catherine. I wrote it during school, I’d never heard of beta reading outside of fanfic, and I was very new to the industry, despite having queried another novel when I was fourteen. (I actually got a bite for the entire manuscript then, which was a wild ride, but that’s another story). As much as I love The Witch Market, it never received the concrit it needed to succeed in today’s market, and it really needs a revamp at some point. The story and characters, particularly Cleophas, are too dear for me not to do this eventually. If anything, the experience taught me about self-publishing, about the rigorous rounds of editing that a manuscript should go through, and most importantly, in my opinion, it gave me the true and indescribable feeling of what it’s like to hold your own book in your hands.

I have always, always wanted to be traditionally published. I admittedly have a lot more respect for self-publishing now than I did when I first became aware of it— I used to view it as a cop out, an “easier” route, as though self-publishing isn’t an incredibly arduous, difficult journey that requires a ridiculous amount of work and determination. Self-publishing means being your own marketer, and I don’t have that in me. When I did book signings and promotional work for The Witch Market, I was lucky enough to have a mother with more drive and networking skills than I’ll ever be capable of.

Traditional publishing holds appeal to all of us because we want to dream of that one in a million chance where our writing really makes it; a Neil Gaiman, a Stephen King, a J.K. Rowling, a Susanne Collins, a Sarah J. Mass. Who wouldn’t want to be a career writer? That kind of success is the ideal, but it’s so few and far between. I think the other reason people aspire so much towards traditional publishing is the reach is brings. While it’s easier and easier nowadays to get your books far and wide with self-publishing, traditional will always have a more direct course to those avenues. 

I have always said that I write for myself above anyone else, and I stand by that. There are many people who write with an audience in mind-- middle grade, young adult, new adult, on and on-- they have a target demographic. Some have even more in mind; from the beginning, they write with marketing and querying taken into account. They’re thinking about pacing, about what will sell, all while working on delivering the story they want. I’ve got a lot of respect and admiration for those people, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that’s not me and couldn’t be me, and that’s all right.

Of my work, I have a group of wips I think of as The Big Three: Bloodlines, Solene’s verse, and Star White. And the more I think about them, the more I realize that they do not lend themselves to the traditional publishing market, at least not with any ease. Of The Big Three, Star White is the story with the most mainstream, marketable plot line. A gentle boy falls in love with a grumpy boy, an evil being abducts the grumpy boy, and the gentle boy goes on a journey to find him. It’s sweet, it’s set in space, it has a fairy tale aspect to it. It can easily be written for YA, made into a not too bulky standalone, or even be broken into a trilogy. All together, it’s the best conceivable shot I have at successful traditional publishing. But the truest version of the story, the one I will write first, that I will write for myself (and maybe, ultimately, the only version of Star White that I’ll end up writing at all), is leaning farther and farther away from that formula. It’s becoming an odyssey of sorts, an introspective, single volume that follows a non-chronological timeline and spends a long, long time with Mateo as he drifts through the empty void of deep space with no one but the AI of his ship for company. It may even take on a philosophical bend, because a billion years spent searching for your love, not even knowing if he exists anymore outside of a dream, and in turn grappling with your own sense of existence; well, that doesn’t easily lend itself to the market. It deviates from a mainstream plot. But it’s the story I’m realizing I will write. 

When it comes down to it, the story is what I write for, not the commercial value or traditional structure. Bloodlines, as it stands, does not align itself with a traditional story structure, something I’ve become more and more aware of with my beta readers’ comments in mind. I’ve written past the ending, or at least, past where the book would end in regards to similar stories. If I had gone into it with a specific structure in mind, if I’d been able to stick to it (because let’s face it, I did have a full outline for Bloodlines) then maybe I wouldn’t be faced with this conundrum. If I want Bloodlines to have a realistic shot at making it in the market, then I’ll need to cut a lot from the ending. The reason Bloodlines extends a good while after the climactic conflict is because I needed to show the effects of the trauma on the characters, their healing arcs, and give resolutions to the relationships as effected by the actions beforehand. If Bloodlines was focused more on the war between the Gelkins and the skin-changers, it could definitely end sooner, but it is focused instead on Victory and Enfriator’s relationship, and even more, I’ve realized, it is focused specifically on Victory. He is the core of the story in a way no one else is, and it feels only right to me to follow him. 

I’ll likely still attempt to query Bloodlines. Traditional publishing is a dream of mine, but it may just really be a dream. I lack the ambition and the drive to push it any further, and in the end, the story is what’s important to me, and I won’t sacrifice its truth and integrity for a more conventional narrative structure. If I don’t find success with agents, which I expect at this point (I’ve shot myself in the foot with Bloodlines somewhat already, because I queried it a few years ago before any round of betas), then I’ll likely look to self-publishing avenues. I will do it though, not for exposure or revenue, but because I want to hold my book in my hands again, and because then I can give it to others, to the people who have read for me, who love my characters, who I want to share this story with. 

I’m not meant to be a career writer. Maybe I still could be, someday. Anything’s possible after all. But my stories, at least for the foreseeable future, don’t lend themselves to traditional success. Solene’s verse especially will be a beast to conquer. The story contains a time jump that ages the characters and a setting that seems more fitting to the long-running sci-fi/fantasy series of the 1970s and 80s. Hebid is a world I am privileged to have insight on, and my knowledge and understanding of it will only grow. Solene’s verse will either end up a duology, or (more likely) a truly massive standalone encompassing a whole world; once again, not something that would ever be an easy sell today. 

Will I try querying all of The Big Three? Yeah. I’ll probably even try querying The Witch Market again, once I’ve redone it. Somewhere out there are agents and publishers who don’t mind taking a chance on something unconventional. Will I find them? Maybe not. I don’t expect to. Writing and book selling is a business, I understand that. What I’m coming to realize though, is that I don’t need to be traditionally published in order to feel achievement. I just need to tell the stories as they come to me, in the best way I can. It’s my personal duty as a writer to do these characters justice, to illustrate their lives in all their turmoil and struggle and joy. I’m not at all insinuating that people who write with the publishing industry in mind don’t do the same thing; we all want to tell our stories in the best way. We just have different manners and methods and drives. The stories I write do not fit into typical molds. Maybe I could make them, like Star White, and maybe they would still be good. But that way is for other writers, other people not like me, and I’m content to walk to the beat of my own drum. 

[maddieandyou]

Analysis on The Good Doctor episode 8 ‘Stories’

Metaphors and themes of love, forgiveness and betrayal 

Melendaire but could be read as unromantic or romantic also. 

This episode dealt with 3 different couples (both romantic and ‘professional’) dealing with some form of betrayal and throughout the episode the characters receive and resolve their feelings and relationships in different ways, either one doesn't want to talk to the other and they want to split or one comes to forgive the other. Two out of the three stories however are more similar than the third. 

The episode showed 3 couples dealing with betrayal and forgiveness, 2 of which were patients or family of a patient and the other Claire and Neil. The main question that the last few episodes has been building up to is how they are going to resolve their issue and the episode that focuses on that is also surrounded by 2 other couples and how they deal with a form of betrayal.

The car crash couple and Claire and Neil share a very, almost mirrored journey in this episode. And luckily both end positively. However the other side to the resolve between Claire and Neil could have ended up like the anti vax couple as they too shared a few similarities which I will explain below.

So my idea is that the episode purposefully contrasts two different couples dealing with a betrayal and how it is resolved. These resolves get influenced by medical revelations and the other characters putting their help and opinion in. 

However these 2 couples are only here for one episode, they don’t really matter in the grand scheme of the show, but they do add to the narrative themes and putting across to the audience an idea or feeling. Those feelings to name a few are basically betrayal, love and forgiveness.

The one story line that is staying, that is important and is therefore the central progression of the episode is the story line between Claire and Neil that gets tackled within the episode. The story line between Claire and Neil is also about betrayal, love (if u ship it anyway) and forgiveness. 

This is all done on purpose to highlight the and even become a foil for the relationship of Neil and Claire when comparing to the other 2 couples.

In the episode you can see Claire is dealing with something herself whilst also trying to help the husband forgive his wife for her (not really purposeful) betrayal. This is paralleled by Melendez not forgiving Claire for her breach of protocol and in both situations it is putting the relationship at risk of splitting up. 

There is also a lot of symbolic comparisons made between them too, but I’m just taking this from their choice of having certain things be said and then cutting to Claire’s reaction while she herself is going through a similar situation. 

“everything was good” the shot is on Claire, her residency was going really good, she was improving and had progressed her (’professional’) relationship with Melendez, especially in this second season 

“the last few months with todd, it was like our honeymoon” the shot is on Claire, honeymoon works as a metaphor here of course, the honeymoon could mean the good place Claire was in with her career and the same from the above.

(I know those cutaways were also Claire doing her thing and noticing the problem with the patient but its too much a coincidence as well, they could have cut to Shaun more than they did) 

The purpose of these similarities is that Claire relates to it and therefore when she was able to come to her own conclusion with her issues it in turn helped her to say the right things to the husband that convinced him to forgive his wife. The way in which she was also able to say the right things to convince Melendez to let her back on his team, but this time due to her having the control of the situation which I will dive into later.

But overall Claire seemed on edge all episode, even saying things like “sometimes people, even the people you love and trust betray you”, although I think is most likely to do with her experience with her mother than Melendez

(just also wanna throw in the line the wife says “I couldn't imagine living without him”, like lol nice Claire reference)

Now to compare this to the other couple, the anti vaxx, once the husband finds out that their son has been vaccinated at his wife's request he feels betrayed he refuses to talk to her and from what the son says wants to divorce, they refuse to communicate and talk it out through their stubbornness. And for the last few episodes Claire and Neil have not been speaking to each other and communicating about what happened because of both of their stubbornness. And the ‘divorce’ between the two in this episode is represented by Claire looking and being sorted out by different hospitals, they are therefore at risk of splitting up. 

Their is a theme of marriage in this episode using key words such as ‘honeymoon’ and ‘divorce’

This is what I mean by the resolve between Claire and Neil could essentially go either way in parallel to the couples. Luckily however they go for the resolve closest, to the car crash couple. Even some of the scenes and features of their arc are mirrored. As I’ll describe in this simplified format:

(I’m writing this in a more romantic sense but it can also be more as a professional opportunity as well tbh, get ur bread claire)

Claire to the car crash husband right after her scene with Melendez: “She acted on every impulse and temptation she had and was NEVER tempted to leave you...she NEVER stopped loving you”

Also Claire in this episode: Had various options to leave the hospital for a different residency but was willing to put her pride aside to give a cover for Melendez because she never really wanted to leave (him) she was never tempted to, (she never stopped ‘loving’ him)

Another example 

The car crash husband: Isn’t sure he can forgive his wife for the betrayal, but realises it was out of her control and goes to approach her to talk about it and probably apologise, but waits until others leave the room first.

Melendez: Isn’t sure if he’s willing to let the breach of protocol go even though Claire saved the woman’s life. So he goes to approach her to talk and probably apologise (not confirmed  what he was gonna do tho) but waits until the other people leave the room first.

Mirroring like this that is shown in this episode is not done accidentally

It could have ended differently, Claire could have stuck to her resolve and left, and Melendez could have refused her on his team again, or continued to be stubborn. 

Instead though, Claire was able to learn from the car crash couple and she helped them too, helped them deal with the situation.

Yes, there is the question of who was right and wrong but at this point Claire realised it wasn't as important as both of their careers and their relationship to each other, once she realised it was not worth throwing away she found a resolve for her and Melendez and in turn was able to help the car crash couple. 

She needed to think outside of the box and show initiative

Claire when she finds out whats wrong with the car crash wife: “There’s definitely something, I think we were just looking in the wrong place”

Now I know there were a lot of opinions on Claire having to be the one to apologise and people had a lot of issues with Andrews too, but I think he was needed. Someone had to step in and let them know what a ridiculous situation they were in.

What I thought was needed for Claire's development that lead her to her impressive resolve, which I don’t think would have happened if Andrews didn’t say this to her, was to remind her of who she is, a resident. That is why she is being treated this way in this situation. In the past there have been issues with sexism that Claire has had to face in both seasons, but in this case Claire needed a different approach 

In her push for respect and to be taken seriously or she walks, she lost her way a bit. Claire sees her issue with Melendez as if they are equals which is fine when talking about gender, disability or race which have come up before in the show. But in this case it was rank and this needs to be taken seriously when peoples lives are at stake. 

Where I think Claire realises her approach was wrong was when she confronts Andrews for coming to her first, challenging that it’s because he thinks she is easier to push. But then Andrews tells her it’s because she is a resident and not an attending . There is like a look on her face which makes me think she now knows that in order to still stand her ground she has to approach this a different way.

So what does she do? she plays along and lets something as small as the word ‘sorry’ not dictate whether or not she gets to stay in the hospital with the team and get education she wants. But if shes going to have to say sorry to Melendez she gonna sure as hell let him know that shes doing it to save his ass and she doesn't mean the apology because she has the upper hand in this situation, she plays the hierarchy game and wins, I guess we’ll see where this takes us. But she also is happy to have their relationship back to normal too, their cute little smiles made me happy : )

Claire is working from the bottom up by giving in and saying sorry instead of standing her ground but the sacrifice is worth it because in the end she gets her way, lets Melendez know that shes still sticking to her guns but still gets to be back on his team, while also giving a good impression to Andrews, letting him think he got his way. When Melendez walks away she looks so happy, she did it and Melendez understood that and didn't argue it, he in a way ‘forgave her’ because she was able to find a way for it to work for her that stayed in protocol, as opposed to breaking it which he didn’t like, he expects better from her and she delivered.

Claire is just head of surgery material like she just played two of her superiors lol

“the man may be the head but the woman is the neck and can turn the head any way she wants”

But overall when discussing this episode with my friends I feel that this episode proves that we can expect further development between Claire and Neil, but it’s not going to happen quickly or even in this season, but it’s planting the idea. The show will go back to normal now and will have a different relationship to focus on, but they’ve let us know that this isn't the end.

sorry this is so long hope you enjoyed!

[voicesfromthelight]

On Free Will, Divination, and Shifting Timelines

I’ve been thinking a lot, lately, about the relationship between free will, soul contracts, manifestation, and divination. Not so long ago, when I started doing readings professionally for other people, my spirit guides were fairly reluctant to predict the future, opting instead to focus on patterns going on in people’s present lives. The reason for this was that they were, and still are, adamant about the sanctity of free will, the power of intention, and our ability to mold our futures through them. In light of this, it is perhaps somewhat surprising that a few months ago, for reasons I can only guess at, my channelings began to include mentions of a new guide being assigned to me, whose function was specifically to help me read the future more accurately. Since then, I have noticed a gradual shift in my readings towards including more elements of divination.

The predictions that come through in readings can take a while to manifest in the lives of my clients, who generally only consult with me once or twice, and will therefore usually be given whatever information will serve them best in the long term. Sometimes, the possibility of less auspicious developments is brought up in the interest of helping a client change courses and avoid the suggested outcome. Predictions can also come with a clarification that the events are still taking shape, energetically, and therefore are more likely to change. If a prediction seems too outlandish in light of the client's current reality to be easily assimilated, but is important to be acknowledged, the guides will also sometimes provide evidence of their accuracy by alluding to future events that the client already has planned and is aware of, but I myself have not been informed of before the reading. All in all, everything that is brought through serves the purpose of helping my clients make the best possible decisions, bringing them hope in times of adversity, and healing interpersonal patterns so they can flourish.

The dynamic of readings I do for myself is somewhat different than those done for my clients, and has helped me shed some more light on the way in which free will interacts with the timelines, or trajectories for the future, we set ourselves on with each action we take. Since I talk to my guides daily, I’ve had ample chances to have their predictions confirmed, and get feedback on the shifts in my trajectories almost in real-time. In fact, lately, Salvador, Natalie, and the third, as-of-yet anonymous consciousness have taken upon themselves to regularly guide me through certain situations by describing details of events that then usually unfold over the next couple of days. They often do this in the form of quoting or summarizing conversations in advance, and addressing the ensuing emotional reality along with instructions on how to approach it from the most constructive perspective. While being on the receiving end of this phenomenon, delightful as it is, has been downright bizarre at times - as if I had somehow hacked reality - the wonderful thing about it is that it has helped me anticipate challenging situations, as well as taught me greater patience and compassion. (Perhaps some of you have seen the TV series “Good Omens," based on the work of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, with the book of "nice and accurate prophecies" informing the characters of what is about to happen, down to bafflingly minute detail? Yes, it's a work of brilliant fiction, but that’s actually a bit what my life feels like right now.)

What then, of destiny? Are any of the events in our lives set in stone when we incarnate to this earth?

When we choose to engage in an endeavor, a relationship, an interaction, etc., it can sometimes seem as if certain things that happen have been pre-ordained. I personally believe that we are born with certain encounters that have been planned (soul contracts, if you like), patterns to work through, and purposes to fulfill - or at least something to that effect. However, our ability to create and mold our realities is generally quite broad within this framework. It is how we use this co-creative power in our lives that matters. This is where free will, the choices we make about where to direct our attention, and making decisions based on love rather than fear, come in. For better or worse, we can choose, almost at any time, to take a different path, and delay, repeat or undo elements plotted out for our life experience.

I've come to notice that the shifting of timelines apparent in my personal predictions somewhat paradoxically reinforces what the guides have always said about free will and the malleability of the future. See, when I speak to my guides about upcoming events, the information they bring through will often have both long-term and short-term dimensions to it. However, it's not always easy to tell the difference, as the channelings are filtered through the emotional energy of the moment. Certain shifts that occur in the predictions day-to-day can then seem more final or portentous than they ultimately are. But with each short-term adjustment, the outlook of the long-term trajectory, or timeline, can change. The energy of free will interacting with the world, shaping reality, is constantly in motion.

As a result of this ever-changing energetic transformation, even though the guides will inform me of the long-term trajectories of certain pursuits, the way in which the events play out sometimes seems to contradict what has been said before, only to shift back into alignment with it later on. It seems we have the ability to shift the trajectories we are on amazingly quickly, with each decision we make. The arc that we then perceive as our lives unfold is all a matter of perspective: We can measure our experiences in moments, days, weeks, etc. as we choose, kind of like following a graph showing fluctuations in the stock market over a shorter or longer period of time (if you'll pardon the humdrum comparison).

As a practical example (which must nonetheless be kept somewhat abstract to protect privacy), I recently found myself in a situation in which I was navigating a somewhat volatile relationship with both personal and professional aspects to it. The resulting dynamics were throwing me for a loop. Thus, I found myself often checking in with my guides to make sure I was approaching each development appropriately. Their advice wasn’t always what I expected it to be, nor did we always agree on what exactly was going on, but they never failed to guide me to the best possible results. They seemed to have their own explanations for the higher purpose of our collaboration, and where it was leading, which trumped any superficial changes in the relationship. They assured me all would ultimately be well.

At one point, things came to a bit of a head, and I found myself in a rather heated conflict with this person. Up until then, the guides’ advice had always been to focus on patience with a positive outlook, and to simply ignore any negativity, keeping the long-term picture in mind. But at that moment, I felt I had no choice but to stand up for myself and walk away. Over the course of the previous few days, the tone of the guides’ predictions had suddenly shifted, as if our “plans” - possibly those written into a soul contract - were being canceled, and now, they seemed to be saying, “Put an end to it. Move on.” I felt disappointed. As an empath, my personal boundaries tend to be a little mushier than they should be, and putting my foot down felt uncomfortable. However, I pushed myself, and did what needed to be done, thinking: “Well, that’s it. So much for that project. What a let-down!”

After the ensuing quarrel, I sat down to meditate, feeling sad and frustrated. I decided to spend a while praying for healing and going through the Ho’oponopono process, hoping to dissolve the conflict. As I then shifted my consciousness into channeling mode, I felt an intense physical warmth and gradually strengthening sense of well-being, as if I had more guides around me than usual. When they then came through, they informed me that everything was back on track, and I now had good things to look forward to in the collaboration again. Salvador cheered me on, saying I had learned an important lesson about how to use my anger constructively. Natalie, who has taken to opening channeling sessions with an introductory sentence that always begins with the word, “enjoy,” started this one by saying: “Enjoy studying trouble!” - the implication being that the most important lesson of the day was to understand new spiritual truths around dissolving conflict.

As it turned out, the guides were right. The honest expression of my anger triggered an energetic shift that led to a reconciliation and set us back on course.

Now, whether the guides knew this dramatic course-correction would happen all along, or I had, in fact, shifted long-term timelines with different outcomes several times, is not quite clear to me. Perhaps the frequency of my personal readings had merely created a situation in which I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. What I do know is that a very quick, unexpected shift for the better happened in the trajectory the guides were describing, after I changed my response to certain patterns in the interaction. The prayers and meditations played no small part in this energetic transformation, I think, and working with my guides helped me to understand first-hand just how powerful the process could be.

So, in conclusion, I offer you this. While it is possible to predict the probable future, especially in the short term, if we are not happy with what is being created, we should never feel powerless to shift courses, even if we feel we have to do so on a dime. What future would you like to create for yourself today? Think it, see it, feel it, create it!