#negativity under the cut
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oooo boy.
with everything that happened this week my cravings have been at an all time high. idk what it is about being home but it's only made them worse. also my parents have ... a ton of booze in the house. fingers crossed I'm strong enough to not give into my cravings. please wish me luck buddies. I'm nine weeks sober as of yesterday and I'm hoping not to have a lapse.
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Honestly I don't even care if b*ddie happens anymore and frankly I kind of hope it never happens out of plain old spite
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every new veilguard spoiler i learn is no longer the monkeys paw finger curling inward its just making a fist and punching me in the face repeatedly.
#sorry sorry i'll reserved neg to one big post or several big ones#when i get to those points and under a cut#but its not#really looking good for my enjoyment of the game overall#and i already was going in severely disappointed#veilguard spoilers#da4 spoilers#dragon age critical#bioware critical#dragon age negative#<- just in case
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The seven Tiers of Being
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Released to [REDACTED]. SPK 02-04-10 6:45 PM
also released:
3 - One (1) sealed bag s/c cigarettes & lighter which were found in right exterior vest pocket of unnamed male accomplice.
4 - One (1) sealed bag s/c polaroid photo which was found in left interior vest pocket of unnamed male accomplice.
Note: victim posthumously identified as one Mail Jeevas, DOB 02/01/1990 (aged 19yrs at time of death). Request that Gevanni update documentation accordingly. - N
always thinking about the polaroids matt and mello didnt get to take + the amount of clean up and paperwork near and the SPK probably had to do after they seized all the kira case files from 'L'... also like. do you think near had to identify matts body. who else was there that couldve done it. anyway whatever teehee <3
+ 'clean'(er) version without all the scratches and stuff:
#death note#mellodramattic#mellomatt#mihael keehl#mail jeevas#my art#full color#posts only show up in the first five tags right... whatevs thats plenty#literally based the caption off an evidence release related to the jfk assassination so if i wrote the documentation out wrong no i didnt!!#anyway. theyre trans + in love + deserved to take cute photos of themselves#and whenever i added the frame iwl ohhh. theres only one person who COULD have this picture. which is when i decided to add the blood stain#i PERSONALLY dont think matt and mello were in contact until after mells left lidners hotel but we can pretend. for the sake of the art#re: the date on the photo + mello not having his scars i mean#also mello is a type o negative fan you CANNOT change my mind its so real to me. i Know It. anesthesia is ON my mellodramattic playlist#obviously ref'ed from that one GQ shoot w jesse rutherford and devon carlson... idk them but i LOVE those photos theyre so fun#i need to look up more of taylor rainbolts photography bc i feel like theres a looot of potential insp to be had there for my work#ANYWAY! theres a plain-er version under the cut if u wanna see it w/out as many overlays and scratches and such#im so glad 2 be done w this piece i have been working on it on and off since. NOVEMBER OF 2022...#ITS AUGUST OF 2023 NOW. I DRAW AT A NORMAL SPEED DW ABOUT IT <3#death note spoilers#<--- for my beloved nat
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Trying not to be negative today but my thoughts are a little waning that way. I've been trying to break into the RP scene for a while now and I just don't feel like I've really done anything. Like I don't know I guess I wish I was a part of a community or something. Once upon a time I tried to break into the hazbin scene but couldn't seem to do it. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess I just want to be accepted by my peers other writers. I don't know it always feels like my ideas aren't that great or no one's really interested in what I'm trying to do
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Do you have any petpeaves regarding the M*A*S*H fandom?
lol sure i'll take the opportunity provided to express a few, ty for the ask!
Overall Mash fandom is pretty awesome imo, and I actually don't have many compared to a lot of fandoms I've been in, and the ones I do have tend to apply to most fandoms anyway lol, they're staples of fandom in general.
-- The biggest one is probably the common take that Hawkeye is insecure, self-loathing, emotionally repressed, thinks he doesn't deserve love, yadda yadda yadda. This isn't really Mash specific because the bad-self-esteem-ray hits every bottom in fandom at some point lol, but it's extra grating in Mash fandom for me because to me it feels more blatantly OOC than most versions of this.
Now to be fair to fandom there are a few scattered lines throughout the series you can take out of context to justify this take, and one bad episode that provably contradicts the rest of the show (Who Knew), but I feel like you have to stretch like a gymnast to justify it and ignore 99% of the rest of the show and Hawkeye's behaviour.
And it's boring and flattens Hawkeye to a caricature of someone else imho.
-- Generally, and again this applies to all fandoms lbr, I dislike the way a lot of people need to jump to accusations of bigotry to justify their personal preferences. One example I've seen a couple of times that's absolutely bizarre to me is the take that if Klinger gets dicked down and/or feminized in fic it's because of racist fetishization. That's Maxwell Q. Klinger, the dude who wears dresses throughout most of the show and canonically grows to genuinely enjoy it. And even if he was 100% masculine, that's what a lot of fandom does to every single dude they love ever lol, all it means is that Klinger has a fanbase, which is a good thing. imo attitudes like these help contribute to non-white characters getting less fanworks about them, and while I don't think it's prevalent enough in Mash fandom to have a negative effect, I've seen it destroy other ships featuring characters of colour.
Another example is the classic bad take that if you don't ship women in het or interpret a heterosexual relationship as doomed/not romantic/etc, it's because of misogyny lol. It's not hugely common in Mash fandom but I've seen it occasionally from BJ/Peg shippers and the very occasional Margaret enthusiast.
Oh and another example is that depicting Hawkeye as effeminate is homophobia. Again, this is Hawkeye, the dude who proudly calls himself unmanly in various ways every episode and makes 50 jokes about wanting to get fucked in the ass. Frankly it's a bigger stretch to me to assume he wouldn't easily and happily adopt actual effeminate body language/phrasing and tone if he's, say, at the bar and wants to pull a top. Or maybe even just if there are no straight people around, yk? Why not? The take that writing unmasculine men is offensive is a fandom classic and usually strikes me itself as homophobic, gender essentialist, and basically just someone's masc4masc kink masquerading as an issue.
Like to be clear there is certainly bigotry in the Mash fandom, as in every fandom, and it's worth discussing, and sometimes depending on context it can even apply in the above cases (eg if a fic about Klinger getting dicked down earnestly described him as idk exotic or something, or if people who 'feminize' male characters take it to silly extremes and start writing meta about how these men are woman-coded/victims of misogyny lol) but this ain't it chief, this is people repackaging their own pet peeves in social justice language to win perceived arguments, and it's a bad vibe.
-- This one IS fairly Mash specific lol, and to be clear it's 100% harmless and just something that makes me roll my eyes sometimes because I'm not into it myself and it strips away the things I do like about the ship: the way a lot of Hawk/BJ fans headcanon BJ as much more supportive and sensitive to Hawkeye than he actually is, by taking various things he does and assuming he does them for Hawkeye, like he's constantly aware of Hawkeye's unexpressed needs and catering to them.
Yk, he wears pink shirts for Hawkeye! He grew the moustache for Hawkeye (never mind that Hawkeye hates it)! He stole Hawkeye's joke to give Hawkeye enrichment because Hawkeye loves... being upset I guess. Joker Is Wild? All for Hawkeye because Hawkeye loves being paranoid and alienating people. (The reasoning I've actually seen is that Hawkeye loves having an excuse to throw a tantrum lol). He totally comforts Hawkeye when Hawkeye is upset, they just never show it. He is devoted to Hawkeye, he'd do anything for him, ignore the episodes where he calls him crazy and ditches him while he's facing adversity. He's Hawkeye's emotional support!
I've seen it in serious meta and casual headcanons and fic where BJ just falls into role of tender, emotionally intelligent emotional support like it's an assumed part of their dynamic despite not only never seeing that in canon, but Hawkeye actually pointing out multiple times that BJ is not very supportive.
It's also a misreading of Hawkeye who is actually the emotional support of their friendship, rather than vice versa, and tends to go hand in hand with my first pet peeve: Hawkeye as an emotionally insecure, repressed mess lol. BJ goes to him when he needs a shoulder to cry on, something consistent to the point of it being a way to manipulate Hawkeye in Picture This. Not vice versa. Hawkeye goes to Margaret or Mulcahy or Sidney. The only example I can think of where BJ provides emotional support (by which I mean listening to Hawkeye's emotional concerns and offering supportive input) to Hawkeye is the end of Comrades in Arms, and it's like the bare minimum of fulfilling the typical best friend on tv role.
(I like that BJ doesn't fulfill that role tbh! It's more interesting that way, it makes their dynamic feel more unique and intriguing.)
-- Also people who think Mash got more progressive in the later seasons. I think it demonstrates a shallow understanding of the political implications of the show. Getting rid of the character with a slur for a nickname doesn't automatically equal less racist, it's just an easy thing to point to that doesn't require much critical thought. And the growing feminist concerns go hand in hand with depicting republicans, patriots, and racist imperialistic military commanders as good people.
And to be fair I sympathize with this take, I've seen it everywhere from fandom to grumbling republicans complaining about mash getting preachier to professionally written retrospectives and academic analysis lol, so it's not like I hold fandom to higher standards. The ways Mash grows more regressive are more insidious, and the problems in the early seasons are much more obvious and in your face than in the later seasons. And there will always be some debate on whether eg rampant womanizing is worse than pro-imperialism messages, though I know what side I fall on there.
But imo it still sucks that it's such a popular opinion.
-- The emphasis on found family, especially in a 'the war brought them together' sense. Any hint of gratitude that the war let them meet people they love in fic, or whatever. This is something I can't completely blame on fandom because the show itself veered uncomfortably close to this a few times too in the later years, but yeah I'm not a fan. To me the most important aspect of Mash is the fact that they all hate it there, the war is worse than hell, they're virtually prisoners trapped in a nightmare, and any of the draftees would absolutely trade those relationships for an end to the war or just a ticket home. Their friendships are less a silver lining and more a painkiller that just barely takes the edge off. I think this vibe is clearer in the first half of the show, but that's yet another reason the first half is better and more progressive politically lol. And it doesn't disappear in the latter half either, just gets a bit more muddied.
-- This kind of goes hand in hand with the above points, but I feel like it's more of an older Mash fandom issue that I encounter when archive diving moreso than a thing currently (though I do occasionally still see it these days): fans who actively like the military stuff lol. I've read fic where dog tags are kinked on/romanticized, fic that depicts draft-dodging as bad, etc. These days it's more stuff in line with the worst parts of canon, like taking Potter at face value as a Good authority figure who deserves respect because of his military experience, but yeah. Don't like that.
-- Okay that's all I got off the top of my head. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to whine lol
#text post#marley on mash#under a cut for people don't don't want to see negativity#i feel like i'm pretty chill in this post but like it's still complaining
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[OOC] I had this thought buzzing around my brain all week, so I'm putting it down in hope that it'll leave me alone 🙄 The important part is the one ABOVE the cut, you can ignore the stuff under it.
Small reminder that if, at any point, you decide that you're no longer interested in interacting with me, you can freely do so! Absolutely NO hard feelings.
I just ask you to softblock or block me, so if we have threads I'll know not to answer to any thread / interaction we have ongoing.
I really wanted to put that out there bc I've been feeling very off around here lately. Being tired all the time surely doesn't help me being objective, but it's not something I can help.
I feel like I made the mistake of wearing myself too thin in the last couple of months. I followed a lot of new people because they are amazing RPers and I really want to write with them, but...I also have an extremely demanding job that takes up most of my time and energy, both mental and physical. Perks of working int he health system, you're constantly on the verge of a burnout if you do your job properly.
Many of the people I follow like quick replies and constant interactions, which are things that I can almost never provide. Plus, there are a lot of other folks who write my same muses and it's starting to make me feel self-conscious because they are better with replies consistency and their portrayals are probably better than my own too =.="
Anyway, long story short, I feel like I'm the lame, unnecessary mutual and writing partner for plenty of people and my paranoia tells me that they are keeping me around out of politeness / bc they don't want to cause drama. If that's the case, I wish they didn't and just softblock me. I don't want to be a bother on anyone's dash.
#[ ooc :: mun scotty on comm ]#negativity tw#[[ not BIG NEG but just to be sure ]]#[[ just a gloomy rant under the cut ]]#;; mobile#[[ anyway time to go back to work ]]
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i really wish the worst year of my life on a personal level was not happening while i also have to be on Good Behavior for a new job with the threat of unemployment looming VERY near
#i've had two family deaths in under six months and that's after coming off a stint of unemployment and draining ALL my savings#and i KNOW my boss does NOT buy it when i tell her i've never had this much trouble meeting expectations#she straight up said she's cutting me more slack than her boyfriend would if i was reporting to him instead and like. thanks.#glad you talk about me with your boyfriend i guess. negatively too.#i'm probably going to have to pass on my uncle's interment next month because it's in the middle of the week#and i don't have the pto available to take for it#anyway. i don't know why i'm bitching. i just need to Be Better.#that's literally the only option.
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I still have mutuals on @realmythsmoved that haven't followed me over here. Like, a lot of them. Idk why. I don't know if I've (unknowingly) done something wrong or something. Or if it's just a case of writing styles not meshing etc. Either way, I would like to know, but I guess I never will.
I'm sorry to put this on your dashes. I just...wish I understood what makes people not want to follow back. I'm the same person, writing the same muses so idgi.
I just...feel blah. And this move is having the exact opposite effect to the one I wanted. So IDK what to do about that. <3 I would just move back to the old blog but I've already moved. And I don't really want to move this blog & @doctorofhope back to the old blog. But if people refuse to follow me here, I might not have much of a choice.
I can't RP with myself lol.The RPC is a community, for a reason. It's a collaboration. Obviously, if someone doesn't want to follow me for whatever reason, they don't have to. But I'm following like 800 people. 271 are following back. That's a big difference. I just wish I could understand what people's reasoning is behind following/not. Especially those I had active threads with. I really wish I could just...send a polite message like 'hey, I'm over here now.' But Idk. I don't want to bother or pressure anyone. I just don't understand how they're still following the old blog yet don't want to follow the new one? (And I'm talking more than one person here. Like I said, I'm following 800 blogs. Only 271 follow back. Obviously, some are personals/musing blogs/rph and I don't expect a follow back there. But most are RP blogs. And I would love it if they would follow back.)
I guess I'll have to get comfortable with not knowing why people aren't following back. But it's always been one of those things I could never wrap my head around. Especially when I'm mutuals for so long with someone only to not be. I don't want anyone to feel forced to follow me or anything. Or to follow me out of pity. But I do want to RP with so many of my old mutuals. And genuinely, I just want them to know that.
If anyone's read this whole thing, thanks. And sorry for ranting/venting so much. It's just...this whole situation is really not helping my RP insecurities lol. <3
#sometimes i see so much beauty i dont think that i can cope (out of character.)#ooc#(ooc.)#(out of character.)#negative cw#more under the cut#sorry for the rant lol#<3 love you all <3#i'm just feeling super insecure and that was the exact opposite of what i wanted lol#so yeah#just trying to figure out what to do about that insecurity really lol
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Oh really? You sympathize with me, do you? Isn't this you mocking me the minute you found out I was mourning my dad? Comparing my loss to you being evicted? Or were you genuinely sympathizing with my grief and battle then too?
Stay off my blog and never mention me again you disgusting freak. How dare you stalk my blog to read my posts about my trauma and grief and pretend to sympathize with me when you've been harassing me since my father's body was barely cold. You would know about attacking a stranger online you piece of shit. Making this disgusting post pretending to sympathize with me while passive aggressively insulting me about my "displaced grief". All because I banned your freak ass from my server because I don't cosign your Japanese child fetish. You can't even stop yourself from trying to use my pain to make yourself look better after deleting all your posts mocking me and calling me names. I tried to ignore you even though you attacked me first and wouldn't leave me alone, despite you lying and saying I did something to you first, the internet is forever and proof doesn't lie. I'm not fooled by you and I will not let anyone forget what you've done. To me and to others here. You wanna be attacked, you wanna be victimized, well you fucking will be. Eat my entire asshole.
#ceci speaks#nonsims#text#delete later#negative#zhuhaitang#how DARE you you piece of garbage#before u say im a stalker i saw this from someone else that was shocked u would say this#did you think this was going to make you look good to me???#what was the reason?????#who fucking acts like this!!!!!#i for one hope life never gets easier for you and you shit your pants every day#throwing this under a cut bc i dont wanna see this bitch ass on my blog anymore#not until the time comes
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I finished the first season of the live action ATLA, and I have to say my reaction is… mixed.
I went into it determined to have an open mind, and there was definitely a good chunk that I enjoyed! For one thing, I love what they did with both Suki and Yue, taking advantage of the longer episode lengths to give them both lives and motivations beyond just “pretty girl that Sokka crushes on” (Suki obviously gets more depth in the og show during seasons 2 & 3, but Yue has always struck me as a rather one-dimensional character).
The best (if traumatizing) choice was to actually show the Fire Nation attack on the airbenders. Doing so gave a real emotional heft to Aang being displaced a hundred years with the weight of failing to prevent a past genocide, and the pressure of having to stop another without any idea how. Not only that, but it did a great job of indicating, right at the start of the show, that this was an adaptation indenting to transform what was fundamentally a kids’ show with complex themes into an adult series with the ability to really expand on that depth and complexity.
…and then it didn’t.
Oh, the show pokes at the repercussions of Iroh having waged a long and deadly siege agains Ba Sing Se, and it does a decent job at deepening the fuckery that is Zuko’s backstory. But so much of the more ambiguous or complex parts of the original have been flattened in this adaptation—and not in ways that can be explained by the compressed narrative. Instead, it feels like the sanitized story and characters are a direct result of a purity culture that demands all things black and white, never shades of gray.
Let’s look at Zuko, the villain-turned-hero with an iconic but bumpy redemption arc in the original series. Part of what makes Zuko’s story so goddamn compelling in the original is that he begins as a true villain, who does some horrible things and is led astray more often than not by his explosive temper; and yet his horrifying backstory and desperation for a loving family that never actually existed compel us to view him with some sympathy, even as he acts against our protagonists.
Yet in the adaptation, Zuko is consistently painted in a softer, kinder light than he was in the original. He has no hand in burning down the village on Kyoshi Island; he hears Aang out and even seems to consider Aang’s offer of friendship rather than immediately lashing out after the Blue Spirit reveal; he is notably more respectful to Iroh and loses his temper much less frequently and violently.
Even the change of Zuko fighting back against Ozai in the agni kai can be construed as him recognizing that Ozai is the bad guy, especially when it means that in order for his exile to make sense he has to defy his father again after he’s already been burned.
This is a pattern that is repeated with nearly all of the characters with any degree of ambiguity. Pakku is depicted as kind of a decent person who’s just being held back by his deference to tradition, rather than being pretty much an asshole regardless of whether he’s following tradition or not. Hahn is a nice guy who is in love with Yue but accepts her decision not to marry him, instead of a dick that sees her as a trophy and is more than happy to marry her despite her disinterest.
Sokka is a huge victim of this flattening of flaws. His early-show misogyny is entirely absent, making his stumbling with Suki a little odd and ungrounded, and his dismissal of Katara’s skills even more so. The narrative doesn’t allow him to be anywhere close to as boneheaded and stubborn as he is in the original—this version of Sokka would never angrily slash through the swamp despite the warning signs, or blatantly lie to Won Shi Ton and then even more blatantly steal from him.
Sokka isn’t even allowed the most understandable tactical mistake from the original show: using the air ship in the fight at the Northern Air Temple, and inadvertently delivering the Fire Nation’s greatest asset. That honor is given to a generalized “spies” that are distanced even from Sai himself.
If the heroes aren’t allowed to have flaws, the villains are even worse off, without anything that might make them sympathetic. Jet, who in the original sits in a similar in-between place as Zuko, is pushed firmly on the side of villain over the course of his two-episode arc. Instead of Jet fighting dirty against Fire Nation colonists who are nevertheless civilians, he bombs buildings in Omashu; it’s easier to denounce him when he’s hurting Earth Kingdom civilians with his tactics, rather than people who may or may not be complicit in the war. He’s even labeled a terrorist, an easy buzzword for a largely usamerican audience to point to and say “ah yes, that’s a bad guy.”
The main villains— Ozai, Zhao, and even the brief scene of Sozin— are ironically even more cartoonishly evil than in the animated show. Ozai and Sozin both declare their evil plans— out loud, with villainous aplomb— to use one major military movement as a distraction for another, even bigger movement. (Sozin’s plan at least made sense, in that the distraction was “leaked” intelligence rather than an actual deployment of troops. How the hell did Ozai have enough troops and a decent supply line to attack both the Northern Water Tribe and Omashu at the same time? And it’s not like the distraction actually served any purpose, since it’s explicitly stated several times that the separate nations don’t send aid to each other anymore.)
Ozai’s treatment of Zuko is even more abusive than in the original, especially with the aforementioned change where Zuko actually does fight back as ordered. His choice to burn Zuko and then later banish him then must be explained by Zuko showing compassion, a much more typically “evil” motivation than the more complex (though no less abusive) notion of Zuko dishonoring himself.
Zhao gets an even worse character lobotomy, which is impressive given that his original character is pretty unabashedly villainous. But rather than a devious, powerful, and ambitious commander looming over everything Zuko or Team Avatar does, this version of Zhao is cartoonishly incompetent. (It doesn’t help that the only thing I’ve seen Ken Leung in is Person of Interest, where he plays a similarly buffoonish character constantly in need of rescue. When held up against Jason Isaacs’ mesmerizing but intimidating voice in the original, there’s no comparison.)
Zhao is no longer a respected military leader but a backwoods commander who barely passed the exam to become an officer; his rise through the ranks isn’t due to military successes or a commanding presence but because Azula finds him easy to manipulate; cutting Jeong Jeong means that we don’t see Aang get the better of Zhao by playing on his temper and lack of control; even discovering the secret of the moon and ocean spirits seems more like blundering luck than actual determination and intelligence. You can’t take Zhao seriously as a threat in this adaptation, even when he’s killing the moon spirit and destroying the balance of the world— he’s a nuisance at best, with Azula as the real looming danger.
Disliking Zhao’s character changes might just come down to a matter of taste, of course. I’m always going to be more interested in intelligent, competent characters, whether they are heroes or villains. But it forms part of this pattern of flattening characters and plots and arcs, and brings me back to the fundamental question that kept hitting me over the head while watching the series.
Why?
Why make an adaptation? This is a question that comes up whenever an adaptation of anything is made: what does the adaptation bring to the table that the original did not? Often the answer to this question is money, but there’s usually an attempt to point to a different answer, if only to distract from the greed.
Sometimes the answer is simple— a translation, for example, is an adaptation made to reach a wider audience. Sometimes the answer is more complicated— changing Lord of the Rings from books to movies, as another example, took advantage of the music, acting, and visuals to pack more emotional punch than the books did.
I would argue, as I began to at the start of this post, that the benefit of adapting ATLA from an animated kids show to a live action series is the bucking of those “kids show” limitations. ATLA deals with a lot of serious, heavy topics that don’t get fully explored because they are too complicated and intense to be greenlit in a network show aimed at 10 year olds. In addition, ATLA (and particularly Legend of Korra after it) faced an uphill battle to portray some more sticky topics such as queerness, in part due to the time period when they were produced.
A live action show produced by Netflix seems to bypass all those hurdles, allowing for a darker and more socially progressive show than what the original was able to accomplish. But despite showing onscreen the destruction of the Air Nomads, the adaptation of ATLA seems more sanitized than the original, playing to the lowest common denominator in a way that the original never did, despite the latter being a kids show and the former ostensibly being for adults.
I came away from the new series with a bad taste in my mouth, even with some things that I really enjoyed, and I think this is the crux of why. The adaptation didn’t update the original; it stripped it of anything that might be deemed problematic and replaced it with a black and white worldview that is, in fact, antithetical to the themes of the original show.
After all, the creators seem to have reasoned, who would root for Zuko’s redemption if he actually needed redemption in the first place?
#atla#negativity#this got long so it’s under a cut#thinky thoughts#not main tagging for the new show#I don’t think it was egregious or anything#but this was really bothering me#anyway free palestine don’t forget to buy esims for gaza and contact representatives#and also trans women are women terfs can gtfo 😌#those tags aren’t relevant to what I wrote I just thought I’d remind people
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'Rona redraw
(click for better quality)
Extra: no filters, original sketch, and two alt versions for fun ^-^
also the original screenshot
#og screenshot + extra versions under cut#cw mild(?) eyestrain under cut#psii.png#1pc#one piece#fanart#one piece fanart#perona#ghost princess perona#negative hollow#thriller bark#id in alt text#these were so fun to do#i only recently realized you could colour over digital sketches instead of lining over them from scratch i love it sm
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ok so next time we decide to play an ask game and go on anon and throw out some backhanded insults only to cover it up with compliments, let's take a second to step back and think about how that's not the best idea considering the fact that some people tend to over react to things even if it's not the serious and in the past.
You do not know the mental state of the people you say stuff to, and how easily that can mess with their mood. I honestly have no ill intentions saying this, but to be met with the term "so boring", even if it was just a first impression, isn't really the best. Yes I might just be over sensitive about it, that doesn't change the fact that it didn't sit well with me.
As someone who isn't a fan of indirect call outs and stuff, because they feel petty to me, I would like to be clear I'm not trying to be petty here. But for the love of everything, maybe let's not throw out negative stuff, even if it was unintentional, and then throw in positive stuff like it's not a big deal.
And considering the fact that I've probably gotten a more sugar coated version of what other people have been told by anons today, I also don't like seeing my friends get called bitches or cunts or anything else for that matter. Not saying that this was all said by the same person, but like just consider this a message to the people or whatever. Yes, these were all just first impressions of them, but maybe we shouldn't have shared that.
So yea
#this would be one of those times where i put this all under a cut thing#but like im not feeling it#again this might just be some huge over reaction#but this whole situation has negatively effected my mood for the rest of the day#and seeing friends get told even worse stuff doesn't help my mood in the slightest#jesus speakz
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text (i can't put read-mores anymore without preface text, is why there's something here always)
i feel like there's a switch in my brain that gets flipped every other day that just has flipping between "i'm okay, i can just bide my time the next (hopefully only) four years, i'm somewhere that at least state-wise is protective, i won't have it as bad as everyone else, it's going to be fine. i have my small community in the form of my friends if nothing else, and i have at least One friend irl who is pretty supportive and protective, even if the world around me is going to fall apart i won't be alone in it and it might fall apart less for me personally so maybe i shouldn't be so negative" or "i want to [----] myself, i'm sick and getting sicker, old and getting older and i can barely physically handle climate change right Now let alone how it'll worsen once environmental protection policies get cut, i'm in a city where racists are pretty bold and i'm already too afraid to leave my house, i'm going to have to watch people i love and care about and family in less safe states suffer even more, i'm going to watch the birds suffer, Why do i even Want to continue living this life because there's no Living to it as someone who is just a shut-in and now any small tentative hopes i had for a future in being more openly queer are Pretty Much Gone because i'm not strong enough to persist as myself in the current political environment"
every time i wake up. the smallest tinge of hope some mornings and then complete and utter hopelessness other mornings, and it's exhausting. i never really think about the future much because i always expect to die before i get there but it's been especially hard to grapple with the fact that the one time i started to (within the past year) it immediately went to shit.
i still really don't know what to do, for myself or for others, and i think the answer might really just be Nothing and that's. hard. as it stands though i am still clinging to rain world dlc release date as at least a Gotta Get This Far marker and just crossing my fingers something else is dangled in front of my brain like a horse and a carrot that'll help me continue to push myself forward
#negative/vent#ideation warning#jic#To Preface i am still not an active risk that tag is so people can judge if they're in a mindset to read under the cut or not#and just in case it needs to be said: these aren't for like. Attention either#sometimes yelling into a void (ie behind a read more) where maybe someone can relate or feel less alone or Whatever helps#i earnestly do not care or mind if you do or don't read my personal posts#i would journal but i found that journaling is actually just a way for me to spiral Extremely fast and a lot of the times my#personal journals devolve into 'you should kys actually' so i just Do Not anymore#like in a journal i can write myself into a pit for literal hours because there's nothing stopping me but some Read More on tumblr is just#vomit up a few emotions and then step away from the internet and if i type too much tumblr will bug out and refuse to post or save it#also too it does provide a small paper trail of sorts for like. if i seem suddenly Not Social friends that follow me can check my blog#or whatever and be like oh okay ev's Fine just having a hard time#idk! idk idk my point is These Are For Me and sometimes they can help friends understand certain things about me a bit more but ultimately#you do not have to read them! especially if you are not in a mindspace to do so!#i would hate if my personal posts ever actively bogged someone down so please do not read if that's a risk#and last note: sorry if these personal posts change the way you see me if you do read them#like if u ever had an opinion of me that was more than just Depressed Loser :')
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post about me hoping i've reached da4 nirvana
I'm going to sound batshit insane, but I was so immensely anxious about Fenris or Merrill showing up in Veilguard (Fenris especially due to the character's popularity and the comic that placed him in Tevinter concurrently with the game) and being forced to engage my least favourite plot tumor in the franchise (basically everything in Trespasser) that now that the game's been out almost a week and I know for sure they don't show up and have heard that there are no DLC campaigns planned for this game... I was not expecting to feel this much blissful apathy. It was the thing I was dreading about the game most, but now that the dread is gone I'm realising it was also the only thing that kept me invested. I felt if my faves showed up, I would at least have to play the game in order to effectively commentate on their appearances. But now that I know they're not there... what is there to make me play this game? From everyone's reports, the complicated cultural tensions and large scale political conflicting needs - the only thing that really made DAO and DA2 exceptional in a steam catalog of far better games on a technical level - are out of the picture. I don't care what happens to Varric or Solas or the Trespasser plot. I like Isabela, but I also know the sort of cameos she makes in games that are not about her - she's an easy character to include just because she is so aggressively independent and apolitical. I like Morrigan too, but not enough to feel I need to follow up on a plot with Flemeth that I know is increasingly moving away from what I liked about their dynamic in Origins.
Idk, maybe I'll go back to feeling wretched about all this in a week or something, but for the first time in a while I've just felt totally at peace with the fact that this game exists and it doesn't have to matter to me that it does.
#no spoilers and i'd struggle to even call this negativity but under the cut anyhow#lork dragon age opinions
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