#ooc; you people and your quaint little categories

[cxptained-archived]

well... hello? it's been a while. i archived this blog a little while back but over time of not writing i lost access to that particular blog so i may just unarchive this one...

life updates?

i'm now engaged to @blipintiime who i met on this blog several years back! we're very happy!

i changed career paths hard core - that sorted itself out only recently tbh

i'm trying to write a book... we'll see how that goes!

but hi! this is exciting, gonna do my damn hardest to stick at this.

[cxptained]

i don’t post for months and then come at y’all with a random photoset of jack lmao

[cxptained]

I'm gonna cry over this thread between @blipintiime and I AND THAT’S VALID

[cxptained]

guess I'm crawling back from the dead here... 

i dropped off the face of the planet for a while, writing in other places. but i really want to try getting back into stuff over here.

so hello everybody!

[cxptained]

                    i have arrived over here now, just wanted to get a bit of a spring clean and fresh start to hopefully start using my blogs again a little more now i’ve settled into my new life/job/house and all of the above.

[cxptained-archived]

y’all. i wanna write the thirteenth doctor so badly. but i have no time for more blogs. so. if anyone wants to write with thirteen with me? hit me up on discord!

[cxptained-archived]

let’s be real though, this blog was only ever an @blipintiime fan blog by the end and, don’t worry, i’m truly going back to where i left off

[cxptained-archived]

lol, i disappeared for like 6 months?? and turned up again declaring how gay i am and presenting y’all with classic jack and ianto like i never fucking left

hi

[cxptained-archived]

in other news, i'm gay and emotional

[cxptained-archived]

okay so!

                      psa;;

that this blog will likely soon be archived! it will be remade with the exact same url, but I want a fresh start over here. I left for a little too long and I lost a lot of rp followers, gained a lot of personal blog followers and bots but I wanna come back to the dash. I have a lot of blogs! my main goal is to:

archive Jack Harkness and remake with the same url keep Owen Harper as he is ( @stickingplasters ) create a Thirteenth Doctor blog

any of my other blogs will be archived and at some point in time placed into a multi-muse! 

[cxptained]

starters are coming, i’m just a slow baby

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im really sorry what youre going through. i know it'll get better eventually. youre perfect and i know you dont feel like it but you are.

anon | I love you

                          I don’t know who you are and I’m still crying but I needed this. I needed this a lot. Thank you.

[cxptained-archived]

damn right, you better be @blipintiime

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good evening, I haven’t been here much but it seems necessary to let you know that 

I am quite gay for Thirteen.

[cxptained-archived]

i struggle with reading and processing information and things like that but your writing style and the way you bold certain words and sentences and italicize things make it much easier and i find it really nice. thought you might have wanted to hear that

@toshsato | lovely comments

                       Okay, honestly when I first read this I only got the first part as a snippet in a notification and I was totally worried that it was going to be one of those messages where someone complains about my writing style (because I’ve had those before - although I completely understand why) and oh my GOSH, it was so nice and refreshing to hear that you enjoyed it and that it helped! Thank you so much!

[cxptained-archived]

I don't really use this blog much anymore thanks to time and energy and I know many people have moved past me on here which is a-okay and understandable. But I need somewhere to splurg feelings on a social media site where my family and people from university and high school can't see so. Because I feel like crap and here's why. A comprehensive list of why my brain refuses to produce the happy.

I just moved out. I live technically by myself but in shared housing with 6 other strangers. I live in one room, I get anxiety using the kitchen. I don’t know my surroundings well enough to explore too far just yet.

On top of this I have no money. In fact I have negative money. I get paid next week, but I live in an expensive city to do a dream job and I technically can't afford it. I don't even think this month's pay with pull me out of negative even before I pay rent and travel. I'm terrified that at some point this week. I'm going to pay for my train and get denied because I have nothing left.

I miss my friends. I miss human contact. I miss being touched and hugged and held. I don't like being withdrawn from it for this long but they only people I know are at work. I love them. I've made some incredible friends but I miss my people so much.

I don’t have the time to go running, or swimming or any of my old exercises. I work 9 hours a day, I spend over an hour travelling each way. By the time I get home, I eat dinner, relax for an hour and fall asleep. 

Because of this I’ve started to hate my body again. I see fat in places I don’t like it. I don’t see myself in a good light anymore. My thighs are big, my hips are wide, it makes my waist look wide too. Whatever I do or wear I hate on myself. But I have no money to join the gym and no time in daylight to go running.

I’m currently sick. That sucks in general.

I’m negative. All the time. I am the thing I fear. And I hate it. For years I was the positive influence in my friends lives. I was the annoying person that didn’t stop smiling. I didn’t accept negativity as something within me, I didn’t like it so it didn’t exist. But in the last year, that’s changed. I feel it so often. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. I vent to my friends. I complain. And I feel awful for doing so. I feel like a burden. I feel like a waste of space. Someone to put up with because people would feel bad for pushing me away. 

So I try to change. I tell myself regularly that I’ll stop complaining, that this is it and I’m going to go back to being me. The me I know who has anxiety and OCD but doesn’t let it phase her. Who pushes on. Who people used to call impressive for the way she handled things. But the every time I fail. And I do what I did today, spend the my entire hour long journey home from work crying and failing exactly what I promised to do.

Truth is, I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for a while now and I won't be miraculously okay by next week like I keep forcing myself to be. I feel empty and sad and frustrated at myself for feeling these things. Every day I want to crawl back into bed and not move again for hours. I can barely bring myself to shower or make food. I am scared, sad and physically alone in a very big city.

I just want a fucking hug and someone to tell me it'll get better while they play with my hair.