#need to get a new scale. dont trust the one i have. i hope this can be a start to get back on track. i WILL be skinni

[tinylittlebab]

well theres almost no food i even like the taste of here so win?

[beababoobies]

Hope this is alright, I'm new to requesting ! But per chance could you write some sir pentious x warm!reader ? Like the reader is warm to the touch and the snake man likes to stay close since hes cold blooded.. up to you if want them to have an established relationship or have it as a crush !! Totally understand if you dont wish to write it/gen

Have a lovely day!

THIS IS CUTE GAHHHHHHH !1!11!1! YEAHHH!!! I love snake man and one of my special interests is reptiles and they silly little heat lamps. Absolutely. I went with an established relationship for this one and I hope you don’t mind. Enjoy! :)

Warmth

words : 1k pairing ; Sir Pentious x Reader

Pentious loved touch in general - it was reassuring, nice, and it made him feel human all over again. But he loved when you touched him. Hell was already a pretty warm climate, but he loved how warm it was in your arms. Your skin felt comforting, like his own personal heat lamp.

Every time you slept in the same bed, he would always slither into your arms with you wrapped right around him like a koala. He loves feeling the body head from your chest straight against his, considering how cold it got in the hotel some nights. You were always warm - his little furnace. 

Sometimes, even while just doing rehabilitation exercises, he’d ask you to cup your hands around his face for a couple seconds, which would always turn into a couple minutes, until Charlie called you two back to keep participating in trust falls or sharing circles. When you two cuddled, he’s always quickly to put his hands under your shirt. Not even in a sexual way, he just loves how warm it is right under there.

There are times when you have to pry him off you, but it’s not often enough for you to care. Sometimes you’ll be eating dinner and he’ll try to nuzzle up to you, rubbing his cheek against yours, only for you to gently remind him you’re trying to eat. 

One time during trust falls, he wouldn’t let go of you after he caught you. Charlie and Vaggie had to convince him that he’d get you back in a second, but it was his turn. It took him ten minutes to get off. And even then, he would only do the trust fall if you caught him. You can’t lie and say that went very well.  

One of your favourite memories; a warm Sunday afternoon, his tail wrapped around one of your legs and hands under your shirt, on the bare skin of your back, head nestled into the crook of your neck, and chest pressed up against yours to get the maximum warmth. The sun is peeking out from the window and making you even warmer. He’s practically in heaven. 

You were already asleep, snoring softly as your  body, heavy with sleep, radiated all the warmth he swears he could ever need, chest rising and falling softly against his. He wants to look back, see how adorable you look asleep and out of it, but the warmth of your neck against his cheek is too much to miss out on.

It goes by like this for a few hours - cuddled up to you and listening to your pulse and soft snores, not even daring to fall asleep and miss out on how comfortable and at peace he feels, until you wake up. You sit up, immediately hearing his sleepy protests from behind you before you get pulled right back into his arms.

“Well, good afternoon to you too.” You mumble sleepily with a giggle, as he mumbles your greeting back into the skin of your neck, and you gently place your hand on the back of his head, softly petting him and feeling him relax back into you, his cold scales pressed up against your warm skin making you smile.

“Do you love me or how warm I am, huh?” You joke with a smile on your face, only to watch him pull back with worry in his eyes, shaking his head rapidly. “I love you for sssso many other reasssonsss!” He says, concerned as your burst out giggling, watching as his expression turns from concerned and panicked to confused.

“I was joking, baby. I’m happy to be your little heating lamp, my love.” You mumbled softly as you press a kiss to his forehead, watching him relax his head onto your chest, letting out a sigh of relief as he closes his eyes again. 

“You’re my favourite heat lamp…” he mumbles out quietly as you feel him start to fall asleep, body becoming sleepy weight in your arms as you feel your eyes flutter shut, snores slowly syncing up with your lovers. 

Or maybe even when you woke up in the middle of the night to him talking to his egg boys before you got together, knocking on his door just to find him complaining about how cold it was.

You wrapped him up in your arms under your blankets, egg boys being sent to their own bed, while you cuddled up to him. You remember so distinctly how rigid and timid he was at first. Not knowing where to put his hands, how to approach the situation.

“I - isss thisss okay?” He hissed softly as he put his hands on your back, head laid out on your chest, as you hummed out a small ‘mhm.’ tiredly, feeling him slowly start to warm up in your arms, body slowly relaxing. 

“.. can I put them under your sssshirt?” He asks quietly; so quietly you can barely hear it, actually. You smile softly to yourself, before giving him another small but affirming ‘mhm.’ His hands were so cold you almost flinched away from them as he put his hands flat against the warmth of your back, letting out a sigh of relief.

You lay like that for a while, feeling him slowly relax under your hold, no longer shivering. His head properly laid on your chest, instead of the awkward slightly raised just above your skin it was doing before, listening to your heartbeat. His chest was fully pressed against yours, like his own personal radiator.

“Better?” You ask quietly, gently petting his head, one hand on his back rubbing small circles into it as he nods, not caring to open his eyes. He looks so lovely and satisfied in this state - you can’t bare to get up and move once he was warmed up like you originally planned. 

That’s the first night you really started to fall for him. Maybe the first night he started to fall for you. Falling asleep with him holding you so tightly yet so softly, soaking in the warmth of your skin as he slept. Falling asleep the sound of your heartbeat slowing as you fell asleep too. 

[wosoragebaiter69]

death is a funny thing

alexia putellas x fem!reader

prompt: alexia angst on 10/10 out of angst scale - for madres bday

A/N: happy birthday madre @greynatomy ! 🥳🥳 you are now stuck at the restaurant

i cried while making this. i dont cry while writing or reading fanfic.

TW: Death, hurt/no comfort, the thought of me not making a part 2 for this

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2 weeks. That's what the doctor said. 2 weeks until you're dead and you soul is gone from the earth. How does one hold that infomation? How are they supposed to take it? It's not like anyone's alive to really tell you how to cope or react.

So, you sit in silence. Being taken back to the memories of playing football as a child, being in your national team for the first time. Playing for your senior team for the first time. That first kiss with Alexia which was unlike any you'd had before. The first time you'd told her you loved her, and how she immediately said it back.

All of it would come to an end.

You knew you should've been here weeks ago when you first started feeling off, but you weren't one to go a doctor when something felt bad. Just hoped it would go away unless you knew it was an injury that'd affect your career. The only reason you were in the room was because Alexia dragged you there.

What would have happened if she hadn't?

You stare at the wall in front of you, mind without thoughts. Just the shell of someone who used to be there. You feel bad for Alexia, how would she cope? You knew she had plans of proposing, you just didn't know when. That will all be a dream in only a fortnight.

How much will change by then? Will she push you out like she does with most others? Or will she hold you close, thinking that if she did you wouldn't leave her when you both know that won't happen.

When you do look at her, there's tears streaming down her face. Staining her shirt and falling onto the floor. The doctor leads you both out giving a form of all legal action needed before you die. Who to give your money to, how you want to be buried or cremated.

You wonder how they can say such news then proceed to hand papers while being devoid of any emotion. Maybe they've done it too many times to really feel.

- - - - -

Alexia drives home, eyes still leaking with tears. You're not quite sure how she's driving but you both make it home. You watch her mundane and robotic movements, until she's in the living room. That's her breaking point.

You immediately go to her, wrapping your arms around her without saying a word. This makes her sob harder.

"I can't live without you. Please no." Is all you hear over the sound of her breaking down.

"Alexia." You say, but she shakes her head.

"Alexia look at me." Again, it's no use.

"Ale please." She finally listens, looking up shaking as her lip wobbles.

"When I am gone, you will be sad yes but I trust you'll get over me. I trust you will be even better than you are now. You are the greatest woman I've ever met and you are the strongest. I will be with you here until the end and even when I'm not here physically..." You pause and touch her heart with your hand. "I'll always be with you here, remember that. And if heaven or the afterlife is real, I'll watch over you. I promise." You whisper resting your forehead against her own.

She whails into the evening, you cry along with her. Reality and the fear of death finally sinking deep into your bones. You will die. You can't be here forever.

- - - - -

The next day when training is supposed to be on is when you tell everyone at the club, sadness lingers in the air as you hug your friends. The ones who had become a new family for you. The young players like Salma and Vicky whom you'd baiscally 'adopted' when they joined the senior team. You consoled them along with Caroline (your best friend) the most. Those apart from Alexia being the ones you were always with.

It was decided a farewell dinner would be hosted. The last memories and last time to be with you.

- - - - -

Alexia wouldn't leave your side, you didn't want to leave hers either. The weight she'd carry on herself after this is too much for your own failing heart. You wanted to be with her for the rest of your life, and by that you meant grow old. Not die at 27.

The dinner was as much as anyone would expect it to be. Teary eyes and frowns painted on everyones face. The mourning had started before you left, and somehow that was even more painful.

Your will was mainly going to the football club, with no family left to give it to. Part of it went to investment in womens sports and some went to Alexia. You'd asked to be cremated, 1/3 of your ashes in the new Camp Nou, 1/3 of your ashes to be washed away by the heavy winds at the beach you loved so much, and a third to be with Alexia to do as she pleases. Whether to keep or give to people you held so close.

The end is near, it's relieving in a sense. That all this anxiety toward the date will just go. Everything for you will stop. But, you hate being the reason people are upset. All you'll leave is pain and anguish until one by one your friends heal. Alexia heals.

- - - - -

Today was the day, you're not sure how you know but you do. You wait with Alexia, remembering all good times. No words are said, she's trying to remember every detail in your face. Fearing the she'll forget you.

"Alexia." She takes a deep breath, nodding at you to continue.

"I love you, I love you in everyway possible. I love you in every universe. I love you to the moon and saturn. Never forget me, as I'll never forget you." You whisper, breath shaky as you feel yourself drifting away.

"I could never, forget you amor. You're safer wherever you are next. I love you. More than words could ever convey." Her voice breaks.

You don't want to leave her, why did it have to be like this?

She places her lips against yours one last time. Your eyes close, one last time.

—————————————————————————

well... no part 2. reader will not come back from the dead like melanie martinez

but last night i dreamt i kissed taylor swift so theres that

[eir-trixa]

Okay Ive slept it off and I just woke up. Now Im choosing violence.

WOTTG Spoilers after the cut

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Two points I wanna discuss a little further- 1) Addressing Percy’s trauma and 2) His self perception of being dumb

1. This is the part I’m gonna accept that no one’s going to look at him and extend the same empathy to his suffering like he does others. The closest to read him well is probably going to be Sally, which is fine to me. He talked of his experiences and used it to help others. Is this satisfying? No but honestly Im just gonna accept that this is the closest were gonna get to him getting therapy and talking about his feelings in a D*sney book. There’s always ao3

2. People in the comments pointed out that this is a fairly new development and Percy from the first 5 books looked to Annabeth for information, insights, not for direct solutions and I agree. Its something thats been bugging me from last night I just couldnt put my finger enough on the issue to call it ooc to its face. Tbf 12-15 year old Percy had other problems like living past his 16th birthday. 17 year old Percy has lesser survival problems, more unaddressed trauma and 60% of his thoughts are consumed by his girlfriend, the other 40% by college.

This will probably a bit controversial but Rick does have a habit of nerfing Percy’s skill and accomplishments. He did it, a bit on a small(?) scale, during Son of Neptune when the Achilles Curse got washed off by some river. Then he makes him OP again after dragging him through Tartarus. Then nerfed again because we never talked about that power again. Or how Percy felt like he deserved to die because of what he did in the middle of trying to survive tartarus. That power just idk took a backseat along with the trauma? Then in the recent instalments Percy’s own self esteem, Percy’s trust in his own capability to plan things gets nerfed. He jokes about it, but it just seemed off to me. This dude has his own series of accomplishments that are different from his girlfriend’s and this is fine. This is okay. Whats not okay is how he sees himself as the lesser in the relationship because of how much he boosts his girlfriend’s accomplishments to high heavens and forgets his own.

Okay look, theres nothing wrong with worshiping the ground your SO walks on. There’s nothing wrong with thinking they’re the coolest. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help especially if said SO is a genius. I think what grated on me was the fact that he kept looking at Annabeth for answers probably because subconsciously he believes himself not smart enough to do it himself. Thats the vibe Im getting from the narration. He puts himself down, he thinks people - Annabeth’s friends - see him as dumb, he thinks Annabeth thinks he’s too dumb, even Grover took quips at his gpa, and maybe as a result of that he keeps looking at Annabeth for solutions. And this wasnt addressed significantly enough.

Look I get Percabeth is THE ship. But we can have Percabeth with Percy and Annabeth standing as two different people. Percy does not have to degrade himself to make us know he thinks the world of Annabeth. We already know from the stunts he pulled all the way back from freaking Sea of Monsters. We already know he’s down bad. Its why Hana and Dave grated on me because they dont really get to judge Percy without knowing what he’s done for Annabeth. But it would be nice if he gets a win, you know? Annabeth telling him he’s smart is a good start. I hope it continues in the next book because it looks like Percy needs a boost to start, idk, functioning again? This is why people criticise them for being co dependent smh

I can see what Rick wants us to think, ig. Annabeth is the planner, the Architect as was mentioned, and Percy is the one who’s more of the Heart. Not the sword, the heart. Even Annabeth admits that Percy sees into people more. This book has been filled with Percy looking at Annabeth for a plan, Annabeth coming up with plans, plans work for a while then gets nerfed because of shenanigans, then Percy eventually finding resolution by exercising empathy and just being his usual perceptive self which is whY I dont really get why even his closest friends and girlfriend tease him or joke about him being dumb or having a low gpa, like thIS DOES NOT caLCuLAtE-

I can see the vision, I can see where Rick’s getting at. Its just I think he’s putting Percy down a little too much. Annabeth is smart AND strong. This is good, this is amazing. But Percy can also be empathic AND smart. Or empathic and strong. We shouldnt have to box them into categories so they can fit one unit. Their characteristics can overlap since they are two different people, being soulmates or whatever nonwithstanding.

Anyway, feel free to reply or reblog with your own takes, I appreciate discourse cause it helps me organise my own thoughts lmao. Have fun

WOTTG SPOILERS AFTER THE CUT

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Can you believe Rick is validating me in my Percy-is-the-most-empathic-character take? I have legal basis but boi does it feel nice to have canon confirmation.

Second that book was short af I got the gist of it all while reading for like an hour.

Third, we addressed everyone else’s trauma. Percy’s still the group therapist LMAO 😭😭😭

Fourth, my son is such a good kid yall, this is why I lose five years of my life when someone insults or when he insults himself jfc my child.

Im honestly still processing and I have to reread the ending. Did it address Percy’s issues? Im going to go with “a bit” and call it a night. I mean, I guess it did? Percy got to unload and help Gale and Hecuba. We got an insight to how he’s managing to stay up and fighting and good despite all the shit he’s put into. Honestly the fact that he saw the humanity in Gale and Hecuba, that he saw their pain and grief and thats what made them trust him, that is so good. And the way he related to them. Goodness. And it highlights again how good a person he is, how much he feels and cares. I mean, he cried cause he had to send Mrs O Leary away, I cant with this kid-

I supposed what Im left unsatisfied with is how he still perceives himself as dumb? Baby, you survived San Fran for two months as a homeless kid without memories and pursued by different monsters who cant die. Youre the furthest thing from dumb.

He cant see this of course and while it was slightly addressed(?) by Annabeth telling him to his face that she doesnt give him enough credit, that he’s pretty smart, I dont think thats enough for addressing this particular issue. There was a time in the middle that he almost snapped because he thought Annabeth probably thinks him too dumb to know what to do next. Which I understand is frustrating to him. But to be fair this book made him look at Annabeth for a solution a lot. Theres also little comments about how when he cant think of anything - which is every 60 seconds apparently according to him- he looks at Annabeth. This doesnt help the co dependent allegations LMAO. Idk, I will die on the Hill that Percy is one of the smartest people in the series, not just emotionally but also in strategy. And theres, of course, nothing wrong with looking at the genius strategist for answers. Ive mixed feelings because definitely this is more of a Percy-insecurity issue than an Annabeth-being-bossy issue. But okay. One more book, heres to hoping we get more heart to heart on that front because Im 999998% sure she doesnt mean to make him feel stupid, Percy’s just got a lot of demons to fight but this in particular they need to figure out together. Still, its obvious how much they care for each other still. If only Dave and Hana did not piss me off at the start Id probably be a little more lenient about this.

Annabeth’s fatal flaw also makes a comeback, we love to see it.

And Sally Estelle Jackson. Now we have to find out wth is Percy’s middle name cause if Sally has one odds are she gave her son too. Trust me. Im Filipino. Iykyk.

Lastly, while I will forever and ever and ever support the trio from pjotv (theyre perfect and have done nothing wrong ever) I can see Rick’s injecting their personalities into the books. Im not sure if he does this on purpose or just subconsciously LMAO. Some of Grover’s dialogue is definitely inspired by Aryan. Percy being Lanky? Walker through and through, especially with his growth spurt lmao, and Annabeth’s confidence? All Leah. I can see what Rick’s trying to do. Ive no opinion on this, just pointing it out. I do love love love the live action. Just. I can see you Rick. You aint slick.

So there. I probably would need to reread the book properly at some point.

[spacexseven]

that mermaid childe thing you reblogged totally put me onto sea monster dazai (imagine that dazai anon thinks about dazai call the news)... like imagine those giant empty eyes staring at you intently from underneath the still water. actually terrifying. hed probably be something fucked up looking too like a snake thing or an angler fish or something like that.... could also see him as a siren.... like ur too stubborn and well versed on the sea and its inhabitants to fall for his Beautiful Mermaid facade and hes initially got this horrible vendetta against you about it but eventually his obsession with getting you in the water with him Less so he can rip you apart and finally prove hes smarter than you and more so he can shove his weird fish tongue down ur throat i mean swim with you in a very well behaved fashion

ALSO adding an akutagawa thing cuz no one ever talks about my husband as often as they should. yan sea monster/mermaid akutagawa. he gets washed up on the beach, greviously injured, and despite the fact he keeps BITING AND SCRATCHING AND BEING SO MEAN 2 YOU you do your best to nurse him back to health in ur old pool u never use anymore (well, as healthy as aku Gets) until hes set to go back to the ocean. akutagawa has always known that humans are awful creatures who need to be killed before they kill him or his ilk, but maybe you're not so bad? first time for everything, he supposes. dont be shocked if you see some familiar scales glittering under the beach sun. or if people you know start washing up on the beach with a few less limbs than you remember them having. I was gonna immediately say aku is a shark but maybe octopus or squid would work cuz of how rashomon looks..... much to think about

- 🩹

you're so funny i can't breathe omg i too would like to swim with him in a well behaved fashion

cw: yandere characters, vague descriptions of sea creatures(?), mentions of cannibalism (well sea creature eats humans), obsessive behavior, non-con kissing, mentions of kidnapping and imprisonment, possessive behavior, jealousy, mentions of biting, scratching and self-inflicted wounds

siren dazai? no way sea monster dazai is the way to go! nothing about that guy looks safe but you know, he has a way with his words that you just can't help but think he's misunderstood and lonely. everyone thinks he's up to no good, but that's not the case at all! it's so unfortunate, you think, that dazai's being judged by the way he looks because he's really such a wonderful friend! what a shame that even the other sea creatures avoid him and his territory, of course it couldn't be because something was wrong with him. they were just being rude and outcasting him for something he couldn't control. you've spent enough time with him to know he was funny (in an odd way...it works on him, but if anyone else were to say his 'jokes' about eating you up and dragging you down to his cave and chaining you there, it would have terrified you. oh well, dazai's just never learned what jokes are supposed to be, so he just says the things people say about him. poor dazai, really) and he was really sweet, eager to help you with your troubles and offering his waters as a place for you to come to when you need to be alone and clear your head. not because he wants to be the only person you confide in and trust, definitely not!

and honestly, dazai was just bored. and what better way to spend the time than to trick some poor, unsuspecting human before making them his lunch? yum. sure, chuuya and a few select others were the only other mers that visited him, but that didn't mean he was lonely. he simply didn't care. of course, playing it up to you about how unfriendly everyone else was surely won over your sympathy, and it felt...sort of nice when you rubbed his cheek and looked at him with your sad eyes and told him you'd always be there for him. oh well, little human. he hopes you know he was going to hold you to that :)

his initial plan was just to earn your trust for a couple of days (because he knew how stupid and trusting humans were. terribly useless species, really. how did they survive for this long?) and then, under the pretense of an injury he couldn't reach, would coax you into getting into the water, where he could happily prepare you for a meal. but he began stalling, not wanting to eat you just yet. maybe you could entertain him a little while longer. playing with his food or whatever humans said. the more you talked to him and he learned about human relationships, the more curious he got. what did you mean, humans licked each other's mouths? how disgusting, he definitely wasn't interested in trying. what was so special about hand holding and cuddling and whatever the hell kissing was???? and why did he want to do it to you??? one day, he can't hold back his curiosity and drags you into the water off your boat, ignoring your screaming just to try and see if he "can shove his weird fish tongue down ur throat". and maybe more. obviously the talk about consent flew over his head, because what do you mean, you didn't want to do this with him? didn't you kiss people you like? and if you were coming to visit dazai this often, you definitely liked him right?

regardless, it wasn't anything he couldn't change with a little bit of time :)

akutagawa hm i think as much as i would love for him to be a sparkly shiny mermaid i think that role is more suited for chuuya aka the prettiest person EVER sorry anyway akutagawa octopus ver kinda reminds me of the kraken but shark akutagawa is also a wonderful picture i will figure that out eventually don't worry

so just another day of strolling on the beach admiring the sparkling water and woah what's that? a wild akutagawa has appeared! you find him beached and bleeding and you must obviously help him out! how could you leave him out there, alone and vulnerable? it's a little difficult to bring him to your conveniently close to the beach house, especially since he keeps growling and biting at your arms, but you finally make it and help him into the pool where he finally calms down enough for you to dress his wounds and give him something to eat.

and as much as he hates to admit it, he kind of likes it here with you. you're unexpectedly nice and not annoying or overbearing and your food tastes pretty good. sometimes, he's still waiting on you to ship him over to some evil merfolk killing people or a zoo or something terrible, or maybe you want to kill him yourself for his parts. but you don't do any of that. like you promised him, you bring him back to the ocean and wave him off.

except now, he really doesn't want to leave.

a week or so later, when you're back strolling by the shore, a familiar lump of something is waiting for you, wounded and stranded. you don't notice the way his eyes light up when he sees you, but you definitely notice that he wasn't biting you this time. sure, he has an iron-tight grip on you with his appendages, but maybe he was just scared? and the cycle continues. sometimes, you find fresh fish and seashells on the spot where you found him first, but most of the time, you find him, injured and waiting for your help. you don't suspect him of purposely hurting himself in order to see you and feel you nursing him back to health, but it does start to get a little suspicious. maybe he just got bullied a lot.

oddly enough, he's never friendly when you bring someone else with you. if by chance he's on the shore and you are with another person, akutagawa becomes hostile, growling and scratching at your companion until they run away and it's just him and you again. the way it should be :)

[buckyskorpion]

11 Hours - part one

Pairing: Biker!Bucky x Reader

Summary: bucky is the mystery you can’t wait to solve. if you can get out of his bed long enough, that is. a biker au.

Warnings: gang-typical violence, sex scenes, alcohol mentions, probably more to come so stay tuned

A/N: um yes so hello another au and another wip..... dont hate the player hate the game. i hope you enjoy this though! this is my take on a biker!bucky au because we definitely dont have enough of those. let me know your thoughts on this, critiques, predictions, anything! my ask is open. also i wont be taking tags for this so please dont ask. 

title taken from 11 hours by wet | playlist

You lie on your stomach, sheets pooled by your ankles, and watch Bucky watch you. One hand propping him up on his side, the other tracing slow, hair-raising circles on your bare back. He’s not really seeing you though, eyes glazed over so they look shiny and huge, big enough to get lost in. You roll away from him, off the edge of the bed and onto your feet.

“Going?” he asks, voice rough. You can’t remember the last time one of you spoke - the time between breathless moans and now seems stretched, like a liminal space you’ve both been sitting in for far too long.  It’s time to get back to the real world. You shrug one shoulder, rooting around his bedroom floor for your clothes to redress.

“It’s late,” you say. He huffs an agreement. The two of you didn’t get back to his apartment until after midnight, so who knows the time now.

“Let me call you a cab,” Bucky says, rolling onto his back to pat around the bedside table for his phone. You toss him a look over your shoulder, chosing to ignore him as you pull your skinny jeans up over your ass. Bucky pauses to watch, tongue flicking over his lips and not bothering to hide his grin when you catch him. You throw your jacket at his head which he catches with ease, laughing himself back into the pillows. Ugh, he’s such a menace.

You walk back over to the bed once you get your last shoe on, closing the distance you’d created that was so obvious in the contrast between his bare skin and you, fully dressed. You lean over him, letting him tug you close with a hand on your hip while you pull him up with a grip on his dog-tags. You kiss him, a hard press of lips and a quick swipe of your tongue that he tries to follow but you pull away. He lets you go, rolling his eyes at the tease.

“See ya later, tough guy,” you say, backing up to the door. He tosses your leather jacket back to you, and you catch it with one hand as you head down the hallway. It’s the closest thing you’ll get to a goodbye from him, so you let the front door click shut without another word.

You shrug into your jacket as you race down the stairs of Bucky’s apartment building, heading for the laundry room. It’s not like you know Bucky - all you do is fuck on any day you both happen to be free, starting at a grungy bar in downtown weeks ago and ending here, in some strange friends with benefits situation (minus the ‘friends’ part). He’s hot, and you’re not looking for a relationship, so it’s perfect. Only, something about the scars on Bucky’s knuckles and the motorbike he drives you home on after the bar makes the hair on the back of your neck raise. Something about Bucky is bad news, and you’re not about to get caught up in it just for some (mindblowingly good) sex.

So, you head to the laundry room and climb out the window rather than using the lobby doors. Nobody sees you, and it’s easy to get to if you stand on the dryer in the far right corner. You don’t know why you think someone might be watching Bucky’s apartment, or following you from your late night visits, but your dad always said you were paranoid and it’s never hurt you this far in your life. You swing a leg through the window and drop down into the patchy grass below.

From here you scale the fence into the gym parking lot next door and enter the street that way, nobody the wiser. You stuff your hands in your pockets as you walk down the street, itching for a cigarette or some gum or a pair of earphones, something to keep you company as walk home in the middle of night in New York. There are still people out and about, because of course there are, it’s New York. You make it home without a hitch and immediately head to the shower to wash off the night.

Naked again, before you get under the jet you check your phone. Bucky has texted you - probably a joke or something, his pretence for checking you get home safely. Tough guy my ass, you think as you open the picture he’d sent. He’s holding up the black lace panties you’d been wearing, the one’s he’d pulled off with his teeth and tossed aside without a second thought. Under it, he’s sent another message. Think you forgot something.

Did I really forget them? You try to bite back a grin, because it’s sad to be standing in your bathroom smiling at your phone, but you’re unsuccessful. You watch the three dots under Bucky’s name start and stop, then start again, making your heartbeat pick up. You’d made the oh-so-confident Bucky ‘dont know his last name and don’t need to’ falter. It still gives you a thrill.

Don’t think you’ll be getting them back.

Consider it a present, perv.

You like it

No comment.

You jump in the shower, leaving your phone on the vanity. You can’t leave the shower until you rub one out, the rounds of sex you’d had a mere hour ago long forgotten at the thought of Bucky doing the same thing as you to the panties you’d left behind. Maybe you don’t want to get caught up in whatever shit Bucky is in to set off your paranoia radar, but you certainly want to get caught up in him. If you aren’t already; irreversibly tangled.

***

You never find Bucky, he finds you. Or rather, he gives you a call and you know within a few hours you’ll be at whatever bar or diner he asks you to meet him at, building up the tension until you both can’t take it anymore and go back to his apartment. It doesn’t matter what you say to him, or how many times you say no - you both know you’ll be there.

This time he catches you leaving your dad’s place, pushing through the gate as you put the phone up to your ear. You turn to wave goodbye to your dad in the window he always stands at to see you off towards the subway, and say, “So soon?”

“Hello to you too,” Bucky grumbles, but you know there’s no heat in it. You’re grinning as you dodge pedestrians, tugging your puffer jacket tighter around you with your free hand - the New York winter chill has started to set in and it’s biting through even the hoodie you’re wearing under the jacket.

“Hello, Bucky,” you say, hoping he can pick up on the thick condescension you’re handing him, “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I can hang up,” Bucky warns, and you smirk. You’re winning this round, at least.

“Aw, don’t be like that, baby.” You jog down the subway stairs, hoping your line doesn’t cut out as you move underground. It doesn’t, Bucky’s reluctant laugh filtering clear as day through your phone.

“Baby, huh? Moving onto pet names are we, doll?”

You wrinkle your nose, “Ugh, not if they’re from the nineteen forties, no thank you.”

“I’m sure you hate it,” Bucky says, sarcasm heavy. You can hear his eyeroll from here. “What are you doing?”

“Getting on a train,” you say, as you do indeed slip through the almost-closed doors and try to avoid any and all surfaces around you. “What are you doing?”

“Talking to you,” Bucky says, grin audible. It’s your turn to huff now - Bucky never tells you anything about his life, what he’s doing, who he’s with. It’s another thing that makes you think he’s hiding something, but instead of finding it infuriating and a dealbreaker like you should, instead you’re fascinated. Your mission is to figure Bucky out, piece by piece.

There’s a muffled voice on the other line, someone talking to Bucky and you imagine him covering the receiver with one big palm. A hand that you want on you, running down your skin and pressing down over your throat and dipping between-

“You there?” Bucky asks, jolting you out of your daydream. You’re blushing, suddenly too-hot in the layers that were previously not doing enough to ward off the chill.

You clear your throat and say, “Yeah, yeah, sorry, what?”

“Mmhmm,” Bucky says, clearly amused. “I said, I’ve got a favour to ask you. Something a bit different.”

“Oh?” It had been weeks of going to dive bars and underground diners, meeting Bucky in dark corners to drink rum and cokes and eventually fuck each other senseless until you’re sure Bucky must get noise complaints. Never had he once indicated he might want to change the routine you’d set up. Never had he asked you for a favour. To say you were intrigued was an understatement.

“Come to a party with me tonight?” he asks. You have to replay his voice in your head to make sure you heard right, stunned into silence. He takes your pause for a ‘no’, hurriedly filling it with, “I get if it’s a no, but my friend Nat is a drill sergeant and she’ll give me the third degree if I don’t bring-“

“Don’t hurt yourself,” you say, interrupting his nervous ramble. You’d never heard Bucky sound anything but aggressively confident before. It’s throwing you for more of a loop than his invitation. A large part of your brain tells you to say no. You don’t trust Bucky, really - you barely know him. But thats why you want to say yes. Going to this party might change that. “I’ll go. What time?”

“Eight tonight,” he says, breathing a sigh of relief. “I owe you one.”

“Yeah, you do,” you laugh. You organise to meet at his apartment, not quite ready to give him your address yet, and hang up. Your mind is reeling, sure everyone on the train must feel the impact of that phone call, too.

They’re all going about their business as if something monumental hasn’t just happened. Bucky has invited you into his life, to meet his friends, as his date. What happened to not-friends with benefits? What if this changes the arrangement you’ve carefully cultivated, so perfect for your independent lifestyle and Bucky’s obvious commitment issues?

The temptation is too much. You practically run home when you get off at your stop, anxious to get ready. You’re about to get a few more pieces of the Bucky puzzle and you have to look good for it.

***

Bucky stops you in the front hall of the house, a hand on your arm as he stares down at you. He looks comically large in the tiny Brooklyn town house, even if it is ten times nicer and more beautiful than your place will ever be. The party filters in from further inside the house, loud music and laughter and the obvious clink of beer bottles sounding muffled through the bubble of you and Bucky.

“My friends are… a lot,” he says, drawing his lip between his teeth. You tilt your head at him, amused by what you can only assume is nerves radiating off Bucky. He rolls his eyes at you, kisses you on the forehead quickly, and adds, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I can handle myself, tough guy,” you say as he tugs you by the hand through to the living room where the party is in full swing.

“I hope you’re not calling that punk ‘tough’, lady,” a man calls out from the couch, pointing the neck of his beer at Bucky. His tone sounds aggressive but the wide, gap-toothed smile he gives says otherwise. He gets up and pulls Bucky into one of those manly half-hugs. Bucky doesn’t drop your hand as he pats the guy on the back, and you try in vain not to read too much into that.

“Sam, this is (Y/n),” Bucky says, and to your surprise Sam pulls you into a hug as well. You make wide eyes at Bucky over Sam’s shoulder but he just smirks, clearly amused. He’s still holding your hand.

“Nice to meet you!” Sam exclaims, a bit too loud in your ear but you don’t mind. His happiness is infectious. “Come meet Natasha, she’s going to love you.”

“Why’s that?” you ask, letting yourself be led by Sam with an arm over your shoulders to the couch he’d just vacated. Bucky drops his grip but follows too-close behind you, his body heat almost like a physical touch on your back, reminding you he’s there. You wonder if he’s nervous about what you’re going to say to his friends, or what his friends are going to say to you.

“Because,” Sam says cryptically. You roll your eyes - he’s sounds just like Bucky.

Sam stops in front of the redhead woman he was sitting next to when you entered, dropping the arm from your shoulders. She immediately stops her conversation and stands up, giving you a once over with a smirk tucked tight in the corner of your mouth. You try not to feel intimidated but it’s hard - she’s beautiful, and scary, and did you mention beautiful? She shoots an amused look to Bucky over your shoulder, and in response Bucky rests his fingertips on the small of your back. Barely there, but just enough.

“You’ve brought someone, James,” she says, turning her attention back to you and holding a hand out. “Natasha, lovely to meet you.”

“(Y/n),” you say, taking her hand. It’s soft -  you half expected her to break your hand. “Thank you for having me.”

“Oh, you’re adorable,” she says, and you don’t bother hiding your frown. You don’t like feeling condescended and Natasha seems to be exuding that in palpable waves. Bucky must feel you stiffen because he steps closer, if possible, and slides the hand on your back around to grip your hip.

“Nat,” he says, with warning, and you glance up at Bucky to find him having some kind of silent stare off with Natasha over your head. Eventually he looks back down to you, smiling a bit and squeezing your hip, don’t worry about her. To you, he says, “Let’s go say hi to Steve.”

“See you later, (Y/n),” Nat says, wiggling her fingers in a wave as you follow Bucky to the kitchen. You ignore her, stepping closer to Bucky on instinct as you weave through people packed wall to wall. That was weird, but what did you expect? Bucky did warn you.

Steve turns out to be a giant blonde teddy bear who sweeps Bucky into a hug that lifts him onto his toes. It’s endlessly funny to see huge, muscled, intimidating Bucky being manhandled by a touchy, clearly tipsy behemoth. Bucky doesn’t let it stand for too long, though, bringing Steve into a headlock and sending them both tumbling into the kitchen bench.

“Jerk,” Steve gasps when Bucky lets him go, eyes narrowing. Bucky grins, breathless, and punches him on the shoulder.

“Punk,” he says fondly. You’re mesmerised. You’d wanted to see more of Bucky’s life but you never expected this. It’s like watching him with his family, and it makes something soft and fuzzy swell in your heart which is bad. Very, very bad. Maybe you shouldn’t have come.

Steve finally notices you’re there and you do the normal introductions, watching your hand disappear in his huge one as he shakes it. They’ve all been very welcoming, in their own ways, you notice (bar Natasha, but something tells you she’s always like that). They don’t seem to question your sudden appearance at their party or with their friend, holding Bucky’s hand and being tucked into his side as he passes you a beer and gets to talking about things you have no hope of following. You’re happy just to watch Bucky, smiling and laughing with pointed teeth and crinkles by his eyes. You still don’t really understand why you’re here, but you’re not going to question it. This feels like a stolen moment, something you’re not meant to see and might not see again so you try and commit as much to memory as you can.

The night goes on, talking with Sam and Steve and Natasha who appear to be Bucky’s closest friends and the only ones he bothers making time for. Bucky doesn’t stop touching you the entire time. At first you think it’s nerves, but the more you observe the party around you when the conversation turns to something you can’t contribute to, the more you think it’s for everyone else rather than Bucky’s nerves. You catch a lot of people eyeing his hand on your hip or his arm around your shoulders, or just looking at Bucky in general. Hardly anyone interrupts your little party of five but not for ignoring you - it’s almost like they revolve around you, in tune to the groups’ every movement, but they wouldn’t dare approach. It’s weird. You try not to look too hard into it but your dad is right. You’re paranoid.

Eventually it’s just you and Bucky sitting on a bench outside, a canopy of fairy lights casting shadows from his unfairly long eyelashes as he looks down at your entwined hands in his lap. You tug against his grip, causing him to look up at you and you almost lose your train of thought. Bucky’s eyes are searing blue, the hottest part of the flame.

“You’re being very possessive tonight,” you say, squeezing his hand for emphasis. He doesn’t look away from your eyes, cocking his head to the side and you have the distinct feeling you’re being tested.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks. You don’t answer straight away. Truth be told, you have no idea what’s going on. You went from fucking Bucky on a semi-regular basis, keeping it at strangers who bone and nothing else, to being glued to his side at a party with his closest friends in what feels like no time at all. Whiplash, is what you feel. You don’t think you hate it, though.

“I never said that,” you tell Bucky, and watch as his face morphs from calculating to that shit-eating, confident smirk you’ve come to know. You’re relieved to see it, the sparkle of his eyes as he leans closer to you in the dark of the garden. This, at least, you know.

“You’ve done well tonight,” he says, and you hate how you glow at the compliment when you should be rolling your eyes. “I know I’ve asked a lot.”

“It’s alright Bucky,” you say, smiling at his seriousness. You’d think he’s asked you to commit a crime or something. “Although, I don’t know why you needed me here. I’m glad you did, but…”

“But you thought I only wanted you, to fuck you?” he finishes, kicking his eyebrows up in amusement. You hate the way you blush, ducking your head from him to try and hide it.

“I feel like that was a very logical conclusion,” you say defensively. What else had he given you? You didn’t even know his last name.

He takes your chin between his fingers, tilting your head back up to look at him. He’s smiling soft, not condescending at all, and he moves his hand to cup your cheek in his palm and hold you there, looking at him.

“Maybe this was a test,” he says, licking his lips. Biding time. “To see if I can trust you.”

“Do you?” you ask, eyebrows kicking up.

“Jury’s still out,” he says with a grin, light-hearted, playing it off as a joke but you know from the look in his eyes that he’s being somewhat serious. He looks out at the garden then, still holding you close, and says almost thoughtfully, “My friends like you, though. Even Natasha.”

You scoff at that, and he turns back to you with that crinkly, squishy smile he gave to Steve before. It catches you off guard, enough to not see the kiss before it comes but you catch up as fast as you can. You want to slide into his lap and run your fingers under his shirt, but that’s probably a bit inappropriate in front of a bunch of people you just met. You settle for a frustrated groan against his mouth, biting his lip and tugging so he’s forced to chase you against the back of the bench, crowding your space. He drops your hand to slide his up your thigh, fingertips dangerously close to your crotch, kissing you hard enough to bruise. His tongue in your mouth is scalding, stubble against your skin a delicious burn, and you would’ve gotten lost in it if it weren’t for the very pointed cough from behind Bucky’s shoulder.

It’s Natasha, standing with her arms folded and a smile hidden somewhere in the green of her eyes. You try to mentally will away the flush in your cheeks as Bucky pulls back, hand still on your thigh but turning to glare at Natasha. You find yourself somewhat hiding behind the bulk of his shoulder despite yourself, letting him take the reins.

“Steve is puking,” she reports, raising one eyebrow. “Sam requests your assistance.”

“Fucking ‘course he does,” Bucky grumbles roughly, getting to his feet. Right before he storms away he pauses, leans back down to kiss you again, and then he’s back on a warpath through the house. Other guests part for him like the red sea, and you watch with furrowed eyebrows as they also seem to watch him go. He never goes anywhere without an audience. Perhaps you were right to be paranoid about him.

Natasha is still standing there when you blink yourself back to the garden, watching you with an unreadable expression. You straighten your holey, vintage t-shirt under your leather jacket and stand, not enjoying the power difference with her standing above you. You wish Bucky had taken you with him, even though you didn’t particularly want to watch Steve throw up everywhere. It would be preferable to being stuck under Natasha’s x-ray vision, though.

“I like your boots,” she says. It takes you aback - such a typical girl thing to say at a party to someone you don’t know, and Natasha doesn’t give you ‘typical’. You glance down at your Docs, and then back up at her pretty sundress with a sexy v-cut.  Sure you do, you think sarcastically, as you both stand there like night and day.

“Thanks,” you manage to say, “And again, for inviting me. The party’s been great.”

“Has it?” she asks, and why do you feel like she’s asking three questions at once? As if sensing your apprehension, she smiles and adds, “Just, I know we’re a bit full on and being the new girl at a party is always difficult.”

You blink, surprised once again. The sincerity throws you for a loop, as everything seems to with Natasha. You say, “I mean, yeah, but you guys are great. You all seem really close, it’s- nice. Like  a family.”

Something flashes in Natasha’s eyes, that amused little smirk returning to her face that fills your gut with dread. Was it something you said?

“Come on,” she says, and just as you think you can’t be surprised by this woman anymore, she winds her arm with yours and starts leading you back into the house. Throwing you a conspiratorial look you’re not sure you’ve earned, she says, “Let’s go find the boys. I’m sure Steve’s finished throwing up by now.”

Part Two

~~~~~ please let me know what you think!

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

[sanshine]

okayokay i have done SO VERY MUCH SINCE LAST TIME!!! and i CHANGED MY BUIULD AND ALL!! but!! i do bear a new video from my fave fromsoft lore channel and he just uploaded one on elden ring where he explains all the lore !! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYDs_Inzkz4 i recommend all his videos on elden ring tbh he knows so ridiculously much and its NUTTY he also does a series where he explains the nps so he will probably be doing those as well??? i DONT KNOW SFJDLDJFLK

no but really the amount of things i just MISS bc im not looking around my character and just AT my characters LKJFLKSD T-T

i did see that about radahn i laughed so hard the 'unintentionally made the damage less' like okay fromsoft just say you wanted it to be harder 😭😭😭 i haven't even finished my first playthrough but im already so so so excited to do my second one wahhh i cannot wait! im thinking of going about a greatsword run maybe im so bad at mage builds so i'll probably avoid that sflgkjdflkg

a god of war session too uwuwuwu that sounds so exciting i hope u have sm fun!!! i actually just fought the godskin duo last night and god them second try??? like??? TBH the run up to the boss was worse for me than the actual boss and since you're going for a bleed build i'd say you're definitely gonna not have that much trouble sfdlkjsdlkf i would bring some sleep grease tho that would be helpful altho i couldn't use it bc my swords were unique and you can't put grease on unique swords which i DID NOT KNOW!!!

i actually do strength bc for my specific rapier the buff on the sword scaled with strength, along with my backup weapon i use in the mines against the rock enemies! i split roughly 50/50 on dex and str!! so trust me there's method to the madness sdkjlflksdjfj but i ended up shifting things a little so i went to rennala and got things reworked some!! im shocked your endurance is so low omg how do you manage stamina :o i rely so heavily on it slkdjflskdf

NOT MARGITIODJDFGLDFKG yeah he drops in so neat and cool then you get that zoom in on his face and it's like 😀 oh okay! nvm! but maybe i need to start watching the vikings LKFJSDLKJF 👁️👁️ but im almost to the end of my first playthrough i dont know what to do with myself??? i have i think only a handful of required bosses left but im heading off to this optional area so that i can do some of the optional harder ones <33 but i need a small break bc im losing my damn mind in this city in the consecrated snowfield where there are SEVERAL black knife assassins who are literally INVISIBLE and can BACKSTAB you SEVERAL TIMES IN A ROW! im suffering so bad ngdfjgklfgj

sbvhsdbhv HELLO BELVOED SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY I WASNT ONLINE MUCH BUT IM ON IT NOW!!!!

OH MY GOD CAN YOU BELIEVE I HAD WATCHED THAT VIDEO BEFORE I EVEN CLICKED YOUR LINK SJDHVBHSDVBHDB the video is sooooooooo gooooooood!!!!!!!!!!!!! i subscribed to him and am hoping he'll upload more bc damn i wanna KNOW sdbshvb AND ALSO!!!!!!! not to sound simpy but the amount of radagon in the video 😭 GOD the man's so hot ANYWAY!!

no like sdvbsbhdv they made him EASIER not harder hsdvbsdhb back when i watched my streamer he STRUGGLED HARD meanwhile all i had to do was summon my dudes and they did all the work for me??? kinda underwhelming ngl sdhvbhsdvb i hope they fixed him >:(

IT WAS VERY NICE i dotn think my friend got very into it but i'll bully him to play it more thats fine sdhvbhdvb AND YES I GOT TO GODSKIN DUO MYSELF!!!! i made a lot of progress in the game, beat mohg and maliketh as well already, he's SOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOL probably my fave boss excluding radagon 😭 ngl tho i do be cheesing the game with mimic tear bc i lack patience jsdvbsdbv but i think for my next playthrough i'll just sell the fkin ashes bc i hate always resorting to them when something isnt easy sdhbsdvbsvbhsdvb the runup to the godskin duo is definitely a challenge especially since the whole place is confusing as hell sdvhbsdhvb but yeah bleed build definitely did help sdhvbdv BUT ALSO GOOD TO KNOW BC I WOULDNT HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THAT EITHER DSBVHDBV

i mean i knew it would make sense!!! but was just curious about your reasoning sdbvshbdv i at first leveled up str just bc i thought strength = power JHBDSHVSB and didnt realize my katanas scale with dex jdvbhsdbv i have learned a LOT about how the game works ever since i started playing so sdhvbshdvb and i have since put a bunch of points to endurance!!! im close to level 150 now and slowly running out of things to level up so i went for endurance as well sdvhsbdhv

PLEASE DO I LOVE THAT SERIES SDVBSDBV AND OH I KNOW THAT CITY!!! ive done it myself and screw those assassins sdvbsdhvbs however for me those archers near the 4th tower were THE actual nightmare sdvbsdhvb THEY WERE IMPOSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH!!! and also do you mean the haligtree 👀👀 i'm currently at the beginning of elphael, stopped bc i wanted a break (and screw those haligtree knights istg) but it's the last area i need to explore!!! other than that i really only need to kill godfrey and radagon sdvbsdvb im so lookign forward to the radagon fight oh my god sdhvhsdbv the elden beast....... not s much...... that fight sucks sdvbhsdvb ALSO YOU MENTIONED ABOVE THAT YOURE EXCITED FOR YOUR NEXT PLAYTHROUGH SO WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOURSELF!!!! DSVBSHDVB have you done the npcs and all the quests? and bosses? and dungeons? sdvbsdvb THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO THAT ITS NOT LIKE WE'LL BE DONE ANY TIME SOON!!! SDJBVHSDB IM ALSO ALREADY PLANNING OUT MY NEXT PLAYTHROUGHS AND NG+ LMAO i already decided for sure that i really really wanna do a dex+int build next time, or something that relies more on magic and spells because as fun as melee is, i really wanna see how cool spells are jvsvbfshvb am unsure if faith or intelligence are better tho 😭 because some weapon arts require faith i think? i know maliketh's blade does jhdvbshdbv so ideally i wanna use all the cool things dsvjbdhvbd and also i think its a good idea to go through the game as a melee build for the first playthrough since its significantly harder!! and i definitely wanna be able to use those cool weapon abilities so, cant wait sbhsdbvshdvb

and also im totally planning on getting a psn for one month for my ng+ for maximum experience dfvbshvb MAYBE WE CAN PVP EACH OTHER THEN 👁👄👁

[mundungs]

ϟ.  → robert sheehan : genderfluid : he/they/she : dealer of illicit objects and substances : the raven by the alan parsons project ϟ  did you see mundungus fletcher ? you know ,  31 year old halfblood who was formally in ravenclaw. some say dung can be quite furtive but are known to be unreliable. they are aligned with the order .  maybe that’s why they remind me of naming stray cats, flicking a lighter over and over again, falling asleep on the subway. ϟ 

some links for food

bio

stats

pins

playlist

history

ciannán o’donnell is a flighty man, one of many relationships and flings and little loyalty, and so his affair with maeve fletcher does not last long. when she tells him she is pregnant, he moves on to a different woman, and maeve has her son alone, with her sister on her side. and thus, mundungus is born (and giving an arguably atrocious name).

he grows up with his mum – a halfblooded witch and by far his favourite person in the world – in limerick, attending muggle school there. he knew who his dad was, but wasn’t quite sure how to feel about — his father is a criminal, a prominent member of the irish mob. 

he meets his dad for the first time at age seven, and was nothing but impressed. his dad showered him with gifts, his mum watching with a furious look on her face but biting her tongue. that moment was a switch for mundungus; he felt the need to impress his dad. he stole some sweets from a store on his way home from school a week later, fished some pennies out of the pockets of his classmates a few months later. when he phoned his dad to tell him, his laugh was warm and filled with life. his relationship with his dad got better as his behaviour got worse. the thrill of stealing, of doing stuff he wasn’t supposed to, lit him not only on fire because it was exciting, but also because he knew his dad would adore it. 

but ciannan, a flighty man, pushes and pulls. and so mundungus was fed disappointment by his father, liking love off a shiny knife rather than a spoon ( silver or plastic, what the fuck does it matter ). details omitted, long story made short: his dad sucks and his mother tries, but mundungus is pulled towards that what smells of danger.

DRUGS MENT. at hogwarts, dung is sorted into ravenclaw. not at all the booksmart type, he falls more into the chaotic-creativity, random-bursts-of-wanting-to-learn-everything-about-something type of ravenclaw. there’s two worlds, then: the muggle world, where he slowly dips his water further in criminal waters, and the wizarding one, where he’s chaotic and messy but a student. when he grows older, these overlap: dung starts selling some of his dad’s weed at hogwarts, and soon gains a reputation of being able to get people less-than-legal shit. 

not getting high off your own supply is not a sentiment he agrees with. not then, not later, not now. dung is fun, always in for a party and willing to supply the goods to throw it. if some rich purebloods lose a few galleons at said party, well, it sure isn’t him! END OF TW

he graduates with two newts, in herbology and potions, failing his dada and charms exams. he’s not an academic.

falling into the family business after graduation is easy. mundungus is attracted by the criminal underworld, both that of muggle ireland and that of the wizarding world. knockturn alley was a place frequented in teenage years, but now becomes more his place. he makes connections, exchanges strange potion recipes for other things. makes an odd wager on a bunch of stolen brass scales and turns a profit. 

a career is not something that interests him; he is more interested in bending rules and making quick money. thievery, selling illegal shit, heists, fraud, fuck-all. mundungus is not limited by one descriptor, one kind of criminality. he just does what he wants and hopes to make a good penny.

but then he almost gets sent to azkaban over some, in his frank opinion, bullshit. it’s dumbledore who talks the wizengamot out of it, saddling dung up with some community service and persuading him towards the order. he’s twenty three. the war is still fresh. he has no interest in it, but he owes the old man. fine.

mundungus does vehemently oppose blood purity and any kind of discriminatory ideals, an anarchist in his very bones, but he is also cowardly. to side with self-proclaimed rebels is not in his blood and yet it’s where he ends up, bringing shady ties to the underworld to the table and a sheer ability to sneak around and fuck the law. and maybe, amidst the ranks of the order, dung finds something he’s not very familiar with: a large family. and dung? well, he’s the stoner, gay, super-fucking-chaotic cousin.

personality

if jesper fahey and kaz brekker had a child, it would be dung. 

other character parallels: fezco ( euphoria ), boris ( the goldfinch ), doug judy ( b99 ), jason mendoza ( the good place ), chris miles ( skins ),  nick miller ( new girl ), creed bratton ( the office ), scott lang ( marvel ), lillian ( unbreakable kimmy schmidt )

technically he’s homeless. he’s got a bedroom at his ma’s place, has a ton of squatter connects in the muggle scene and couch surfes aplenty, but dung doesn’t rent a place. why? landlords are evil. he could afford a place, just doesn’t see the point. life’s better with some adventure.

appears very neutral in public as it’s beneficial to his role in the order??? 

.... tortured artist. writes poetry and loves to draw and paint. 

tattooed the fuck up. some are his own designs.

can usually be spotted wearing The Coat, a rly expensive, vintage long coat that he once stole of a pureblood. he’s enlarged the pockets with some handy spellwork and pretty much carries everything he owes in there, like his produce and his money and his second pair of shoes and his art supplies and probably some random trash. 

loves animals. he loves stray cats especially <3 they are his kin. 

an anarchist. a bit of a punk. a deep idealist with a cowardly heart so constantly betraying himself (and sometimes others?)

queer! enby! genderfluid! i used he/him pronouns throughout this intro but dung truly doesn’t give a damn what u use. loves to dress up in feminine clothes. 

has a ton of aliases, lol, the most important one being marigold fincher. 

cusses too fuckin much to be healthy :/

oh no he is a big sad insecure kid deep inside :/ dont tell anyone how embarrassing!!!! shhhh!! it’s a secret.

quick connection ideas

victim. wow please. if your character is rich. let me steal from u. pick ur pockets. break into ur house. get some of ur stuff and drop it on the black market. 

customer. dung sells. whatever u need. drugs. weird magical things. ask and ye shall receive. his prices are whack but he does deliver <3

pal. party friends! order friends! random encounter friends! dung has a trashmouth and loves to talk pls let him chat u up and u will never be rid of him <3

couch. he couch surfs. a lot. if ur character trusts dung enough to let him into their home (which they shouldnt) then pls let him sleep over for a night. he will leave a strangely expensive necklace on ur kitchen table as a thank u. or wilted flowers. no in between.

skeptic. ur char is in the order and thinks dung is a liability and maybe they have a point. a point mundungus would rather not face :)

dmle bitches. dung hates anyone authoritative but esp the coppers at the ministry (hit wix & aurors) (yea he calls them coppers sorry he doesnt respect them enough to call them aurors <3). give me that doug judy/jake peralta dynamic. or just someone in the dmle who is like ... sigh this guy again??? 

fwb/one night stand/fling/etc. he’s a bit slutty <333 give him some ppl he’s hooked up with / will hook up with.

[itsthesinbin]

Insert Title Here (Obey Me Fic)

i dont have a title yet.

im still getting characterization down and im also not even halfway thru the game so forgive me if i fuck things up DSFKGDSFKDG

the mc is one of the species ive made- chimeras. for ppl who have been here a long time, u shld remember them. for newbies, i wont spoil what they are if this DOES become an actual thing

please reblog and/or leave a comment in the notes if you like this! i need feedback to be sure people would actually enjoy the fic!

---------------------------------------------------

Hm.

“I don’t think I summoned the right person.” Diavolo looked down at the file he had in his hand, examining the picture attached to the front of the folder. A normal young woman stared back at him- blonde hair, pale blue eyes, glasses perched on her nose. The demon prince looked back down at the… creature… on the ground.

Passed out, he couldn’t see her eyes, but the wild blonde hair was almost a perfect match. Lucifer was currently draping his coat over her, as she had shown up naked. Ram-like horns sat on her head, and a tail twitched behind her in her sleep. Tan skin shifted into scales along their arms- and their stomach, from the little Diavolo saw before he averted his eyes. Her legs were much like a cat’s, her fingers and toes webbed and holding wicked looking claws.

“You think,” Satan asked, coming over to his eldest brother’s side to examine the summoned creature. Diavolo crouched down, getting a closer look at her face. Her soul. Asmodeus spoke up while Diavolo did his small investigation.

“What the fuck is it?” Asmodeus leaned over the table, his question earning a stern glare from Lucifer. Asmodeus simply shrugged, sitting back down next to a very confused- and very hungry- Beelzebub.

“... They are… definitely human-” Diavolo announced- “Maybe a… genetic relative?” Diavolo looked through the file again, seeing if he missed a note on any children or family. Asmodeus finally spoke up.

“Why didn’t the original human show?” Lucifer looked to Diavolo, who was just as confused. Before the prince could answer, the creature on the ground began to stir. The three surrounding them moved back, allowing her to wake up without being crowded.

Pale blue eyes appeared before them, unfocused and hazy. They snapped open a moment later, pupils turning to slits. The creature before the demons jumped up, knocking the coat off with a furious hiss. Satan in particular reeled back, feeling her fury harder than the others in the room.

She scrambled back into a corner, staring at the demons with wide, wild eyes. Much too wide for a normal human, if Solomon was any reference point. Dark blue scales glittered on her heaving chest, a rattling noise coming from her tail. Her pointed ears were pinned back against her head in anger.

“We… understand you must be confused, and scared,” Diavolo started, hands raised in a nonthreatening manner. He took a single step closer, and the woman let out a screech that made the three younger demons hold their ears. Lucifer and Diavolo cringed slightly, exchanging a look as she stopped screaming.

“We won’t come any closer. We just wish to talk.” Diavolo was tempted to send her back, but he’d need to get her back in the circle for that. And he doubts she’d simply follow his request to move.

“... What is your name?” She stayed quiet, the rattle on her tail slowly stopping. Her eyes scraped over everyone in the room, daring any of them to move. No one did. Slowly, she sat down on the ground, much like a cat ready to pounce.

“... My name is Diavolo, I am the ruler of all demons, and all here know of me. And someday soon, I will be crowned king of the Devildom.” There was a beat of silence where she just stared at the prince.

“Fuck you.” Everyone reeled back at that, before Satan put a hand over his mouth to keep himself from laughing. He was starting to like this creature.

Lucifer was about to speak up, but Diavolo held a hand up to silence him. Clearly, she was scared and angry. Diavolo wasn’t going to take it personally. Luke was, while not as vulgar, very angry when he arrived as well.

“Why I here?” Lucifer cleared his throat, making her head snap to where he was. Diavolo placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“This is Lucifer- a demon, and the Avatar of Pride. He’s also the vice president of the student council and my right-hand man. Beyond that, he’s my most trusted friend,” the prince laughed, ignoring the glare from the human(?) in the corner. Lucifer sighed slightly, subtly shrugging Diavolo’s hand off of his shoulder.

“Welcome to our academy, even if your appearance here is… surprising, to everyone.” The woman hissed, baring her fangs at Lucifer. A bold move, if she were a demon.

“WHY I HERE?” Lucifer looked her over, crossing his arms.

“She certainly is different from Solomon,” he muttered, before starting his rehearsed speech on the reasoning for the exchange program. Satan could feel her rage build, the longer Lucifer talked. Yeah. He understood the feeling.

“You are our new exchange student, it seems, miss…?” Lucifer hoped he would get a name out of her. They needed to confirm if she was, somehow, the woman they originally intended to summon from the human world. When she didn’t answer, he continued with a sigh.

“Your period of stay is one year. You will have to work on the tasks that you receive from RAD. After one year, you will write a paper about your exchange here in the Devildom.” The woman snarled.

“I- I’m- LET ME GO!” The fury in her words was betrayed by the wobble in her voice. She pressed further back against the wall, claws digging at the stone behind her. She was terrified. Trapped.

“I’m sorry, but there’s no going back.” Right now, anyway. “For one year, you are under our care and you will be attending RAD. Do you understand?”

The woman’s chest heaved, breathing picking up again to near hyperventilation levels. Her eyes were focused on Lucifer, but she was looking right through him. Satan bristled slightly, feeling himself grow a bit lightheaded at how strong her anger was. He had to keep himself calm.

The woman darted forward, toward Lucifer and Diavolo.

Quick as a flash, Lucifer grabbed her and pinned her to the floor. The woman thrashed and screeched under Lucifer’s grip, trying to reach back to swipe him with her claws. Her tail slammed into his side shockingly hard. Not that it really hurt him, but it was much stronger than he thought a human would be. If… humans had tails, that was.

She suddenly grew slack, eyes rolling back as she went unconscious. Barbatos, who had been off to the side, put his hand down when she was out. He had to put a stop to that before someone got hurt- human or demon.

Slowly, Lucifer released his grip on her. He didn’t get up from his straddle over her, in case she suddenly woke up, looking up at Diavolo for an order or suggestion.

The prince was at a loss for words, for once. On top of not knowing exactly what this woman was- sure her soul was human but she clearly wasn’t fully- he didn’t expect to just be attacked.

“... Take her to the House of Lamentation, Lucifer, and… maybe try to talk some sense into her there. Barbatos and I will… try to figure out who she even is.” Lucifer felt the migraine coming on. Sometimes he despised his job.

“Of course.” He grabbed his coat again, wrapping her up as Barbatos explained the spell would wear off in three hours. With a nod, Lucifer scooped her up and made his way over to his brothers. Asmodeus immediately cringed away, while Beelzebub just kind of… stared. Lucifer was pretty sure he was in shock.

He turned to Satan, who was still calming down from the intense rage he felt second-hand. Lucifer frowned.

“Satan? Are you alright?” The fourth eldest cleared his throat, flushing slightly in embarrassment.

“Yes. It… She was very angry- the sudden wave of it threw me for a loop, so to speak.” He had expected some anger, sure, but that? It was like expecting a drizzle and walking into a tsunami.

It was kind of funny.

Lucifer hummed slightly, before motioning for his brothers to follow.

“Let’s get her home, then. Satan, call Mammon and let him know he’ll be in charge of her.” Satan paused at that.

“... I’d love to see Mammon get his backside handed to him as much as the next demon, but don’t you think that’s a bad idea?” Lucifer growled slightly. Satan sighed, opening his D.D.D before Lucifer started one of his “are you disobeying an order” tirades.

“Fine. Don’t blame me when Mammon comes back missing a few fingers, though.” Actually. That sounded kinda funny. Maybe Lucifer had the right idea, not that Satan would admit it.

While the fourth argued with the second about his new position as… animal sitter, Beelzebub and Asmodeus fell into step next to their eldest brother.

“Are you sure this is a good idea? Can’t we pick someone else and send her back while she’s asleep,” Beelzebub asked, holding his hands over his stomach nervously. Lucifer glanced down at the sleeping creature, who was still trembling even while unconscious.

“... If it becomes too much of a hassle, I’ll talk to Diavolo. For now, we have to give it a try. It would take too long to find a new applicant. That being said… let’s find a reinforced room for her.” Lucifer didn’t want her busting out in the middle of the night.

“Maybe soundproof, too,” Asmodeus mumbled, wrapping his arms around himself in sheer discomfort. They were supposed to be taking care of this thing? Maybe he could get out of it if he avoided her. 

Lucifer shot him a look, but didn’t say anything. That screech definitely caught everyone off guard. His ears were still ringing. Which was only being made worse because he could hear Mammon yelling over Satan’s phone. The eldest sighed heavily.

Lucifer knew he had a long, long year ahead of him.

[snkpolls]

SnK Episode 70 Poll Results (for Anime Only Watchers)

The poll closed with 76 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Manga Readers’ poll, click here.

Anime only watchers, beware of spoilers if you venture over to the manga readers’ poll results.

--

RATE THE EPISODE 74 responses

Although the response to this week’s episode was still overwhelmingly positive, with 95.9% of responses giving the episode 3 or higher, it was a bit lower in comparison to the previous one. 

Epic

Very amazing a 💯/10✊

I loved it, as always

Gabi episode? NO BUENO.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING GABI AND FALCO MOMENTS WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 74 responses

Gabi and Falco’s escapades took up the vast majority of the episode, so we wanted to know which one of them was your favorite. An equal amount of respondents (28.4%) seemed to prefer either the moment wherein Gabi came under attack from that perfidious horse or Kaya remembering Sasha and how she saved her life years ago. Closely behind those (25.7%) are the folks preferring the argument between Gabi and Kaya. Another semi-popular option was the scene wherein Kaya showed Gabi and Falco her former village.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING MOMENTS FOCUSING ON OTHER CHARACTERS WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 73 responses

We also had a fair bit of scenes focused on characters besides Gabi and Falco. For this question, there was a rather noted diversity in opinions. 24.7% seemed privy to seeing a recurrence of Mikasa’s headache and the flashback to Eren’s killing of the traffickers. 15.1% were most interested in seeing Hange remember Sannes’ warning about the cycle. An equal number of responses (13.7%) were most interested in either seeing the discussion between Magath and the rest of the Warriors on their further actions or seeing Hange confront Floch and the rest of the recruits about their recent actions in regards to Eren. Finally, 11% said that their favorite moment was either seeing the conversation between Mikasa and Louise or the conversation between the warriors and shirtless Reiner. A few folks also indicated their enjoyment of the scene wherein Hange was heckled by the civilians or the conversation between Pixis and Yelena.

WHICH FLASHBACK HAD THE MOST EMOTIONAL IMPACT FOR YOU? 73 responses

We’ve had a few small flashbacks in this episode and it seems like the definitive majority (58.9%) enjoyed the flashback about Kaya getting saved by Sasha. 26% were most privy to seeing Mikasa remember Eren killing the kidnappers many years ago and 13.7% enjoyed seeing Hange remember Sannes’ warning. One person liked catching the sight of Mikasa’s actions in Trost.

RATE JEAN’S OUTFIT 73 responses

Jean decided to try out a new style, courtesy of Coco Chanel, the Paradis Collection. Not too many were impressed, however, with only 34.8% giving Jean’s fit a 4 or a 5. 24.7% gave it a 3, the rest gave it a lower score.

WHO WERE YOU MORE EXCITED ABOUT TO SEE SHIRTLESS? 72 responses

It looks like Eren won this round when it comes to the showdown of AoT’s rare fan service scenes with 75%. 

AOT men are immaculate

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE AN EXCUSE TO TALK TO YELENA? 73 responses

Yelena looks to be a rather popular girl, with 53.4% of respondents noting that they would totally appreciate an opportunity to talk to her. 23.3% aren’t sure and 11% really wouldn’t, in contrast. 12.3% simply don’t care.

WHICH NEW DETAIL DID YOU GET MOST EXCITED ABOUT? 72 responses

For this question, we got a rather colorful pie chart. 26.4% of respondents stated that the existence of a flying boat fueled by iceburst stones is the most interesting detail. That was followed by, in order from more interesting to less interesting according to the poll takers, Blouse family’s involvement with Historia’s orphanage, Yelena making contact with Eren beforehand, the girl Sasha saved in Episode 2 of S2 being Kaya’s identity, the confirmation that Louise was the girl Mikasa saved back in Trost and fact that Floch and his co-minded folks leaked information about Eren to the press and the existence of Eren’s “home”.

GABI SPENDS A LOT OF THE EPISODE SPOUTING OUT THE THINGS SHE’S BEEN BRAINWASHED TO BELIEVE, A CONTRAST TO FALCO WHO IS MUCH MORE OPEN-MINDED. THOUGHTS? 72 responses

Gabi shouted out a lot of questionable things in this episode, at various points. We’ve asked how the respondents felt about it. The plurality, 37.5% simply saw it as a rather sad state for her. In contrast, 27.8% were actually annoyed with her for that. 16.7% thought that it might have been, perhaps, a result of her attempting to fool herself. We also received a lot of write-ins.

Gabi's IQ is a bit low or she has been brainwashed harder than others

I think it’s just hard for her to see it any other way because she is so young. She was starting to be shaped like reigner, Annie bertholdt. 

I understand why she acts like that. Doesn't make it any less annoying tho

I feel so bad for her. Marleyan propaganda and indoctrination is one hell of a drug

Gabi sucks and she just is a trash character

She's just a kid trying to deal with a lot of trauma and new contradicting information whilst also having a winning attitude. Her negative feelings toward Eldians is familiar and so constant hatred is just a coping mechanism.

It only makes sense for her to act this way. Falco and Colt had to join the warriors unit to redeem their uncle’s crimes as part of the restorationists. Gabi has been praised and fed false propaganda her whole life, so yes she would have a harder time rejecting her race’s past history. Children are easier to manipulate/brainwash than adults.

I think she’s clinging to what she knew because she had based her whole identity and goals in life off of these facts. Admitting that these things might not be true would be like denying who she is?? Y’know 

Immovable object (my hatred for Gabi because I find her annoying and she killed Sasha) vs unstoppable force (me recognizing she is a child in a traumatic situation who has been brainwashed and raised to believe she must atone for things she is not actually responsible for)

A bit annoying, but I'm hopeful that she will slowly change her mind. Maybe due to realizing Sasha was actually a good person through Kaya/seeing she's no different from them?

HOW DO YOU THINK GABI’S BELIEFS WOULD HAVE DEVELOPED HAD SHE BEEN THE ONE TO MEET EREN INSTEAD OF FALCO? 73 responses

An interesting what-if comes about when thinking about Gabi possibly meeting Eren instead of Falco all those weeks ago and how that would have impacted her personal beliefs. A slight majority (50.7%) believe it wouldn’t have changed much, if at all as a result of that possible meeting. 20.5% think that Gabi would have taken somewhat of a middle-ground position when taking her current and Falco’s current beliefs into account. 17.8% can’t really say for sure and 8.2% don’t seem to care. Only a few believe that Gabi would have started to feeling differently back then.

GABI SEEMS TO BE GENUINELY SCARED WHEN INITIALLY EATING AT THE BLOUSE’S HOME. ON A SCALE OF 1-5, HOW BADLY DID YOU FEEL FOR HER? 73 responses

It doesn’t appear that Gabi has garnered that much sympathy for her near breakdown, with 49.3% noting that they really didn’t feel much, if any, sympathy for Gabi. In contrast, 50.6% said that they felt some noted degree of sympathy, mostly on a moderate scale. 

It makes me sick to my stomach seeing Sasha's family just treating Gabi so nicely. I know they don't know she's Sasha's killer but I'd really like to see them go horror-flick on her ass and kill her when they learn the truth

THERE SEEMS TO BE A CLASHING OF IDEOLOGIES BETWEEN HANGE AND FLOCH REGARDING WHAT’S BEST FOR THE ISLAND. WHO WOULD YOU SIDE WITH IN THIS SITUATION? 72 responses

Floch states that Eren ensured Paradis a path to survival via the ability to initiate the rumbling, while Hange shows skepticism that the rumbling is even a probable solution to their problems, feeling they should secure their freedom in other ways. 52.8% seem to feel the same way that Hange does, while only 27.8% would take Floch’s side in this differing of views. 12.5% think neither of them are wholly correct and feel there are other options. 

Both should co-operate 

Fuck ever agreeing with Floch. Who is he to even question their authority. Sit back buddy, relax, have a breather. You only became a main character this season, nothing bads gonna happen if wittle baby ewen is in jail for COMMITING WARCRIMES and forcing his superiors to cater to him. That's lit-rally how the army works. 

I want to say I side with floch, but I don’t trust eren. 

I don’t know for sure

I think they're both right in their own way. 

dont like floch lol

Wish Gabi would've shot Floch instead of Sasha :/

REGARDLESS OF YOUR ANSWER IN THE PREVIOUS QUESTION, DO YOU THINK EREN DESERVED TO BE JAILED? 73 responses

Nearly 55% of respondents feel that Eren absolutely deserved to be jailed for his actions in Marley, regardless of how they answered the previous question. Only 35.6% feel that he was wrongfully locked up.

Jailing him is just tradition at this point 

idk

Yeah. You fuck up and you do the time. If you want to make decisions and live 'freely', don't become a soldier. Simple???

Eren did some war crimes, time to sit in the time-out box 

He definitely needs to be observed and perhaps questioned, but not jailed. I thought that wasn't really a great move. 

I don't know

How many times has Eren been in jail now? He's obviously not gonna be staying there for long

Reprimanded a little bit for not trusting his team, but didn't deserve jail

DO YOU THINK HANGE IS FALLING INTO THE CYCLE THAT SANNES WARNED THEM ABOUT? 71 responses

Hange remembers Sannes’ words about how someone always steps into the role he once played prior to the Uprising Arc. 67.6% feel that Hange, whether intentional or not, is falling into the cycle that Sannes and his comrades perpetuated for years before them. 19.7% feel the opposite, however, and believe that Hange wouldn’t let things get that bad. 

I don’t know why I can’t remember who sannes is rn. 

yes but i feel like she will realize this and try to change 

I can’t say yet

Yes, to a degree but this doesn't mean they've past the point of no return. Everything the previous government did could have started with good intentions similar to Hange now but those intentions eventually morphed and corrupted. 

i dunno

Maybe i'm not sure only time will tell

I think that can't be said for sure until we see how she acts/responds to this realization

Maybe

LOUISE SEEMS TO ADMIRE MIKASA TO THE POINT OF OBSESSION, BUT HOW DO YOU THINK MIKASA FEELS ABOUT HER? 73 responses

Half of respondents feel that Mikasa’s demeanor toward Louise stems from her feeling as though she can relate to the girl in some way. The remainder of responses were rather mixed, with 15.1% feeling that Mikasa simply feels sorry for her, and at a tie for 11%, either feel that she finds Louise annoying or is just generally indifferent toward her.

WHAT DO YOU THINK SEEMS TO BE THE TRIGGER FOR MIKASA’S SUDDEN HEADACHES? 73 responses

Mikasa’s headaches, while they don’t get much of a focus, tend to happen infrequently throughout the series. Though, her headache in episode 70 appears to be a bit more traumatic for her than ones we have seen in the past. 27.4% feel that these headaches are likely related to her Ackerman biology, while 20.5% think that it can be explained as simply PTSD. 15.1% think that it’s her “Eren sense,” so to speak. Small handfuls feel it’s something more related to Paths/The Coordinate, or a mixture of her Ackerman and Asian biology. 21.9% still aren’t really sure what to make of these. Will Isayama give us answers?!

the wine has to have something to do with it????

It's those damn ~PATHS~

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN THE HORSE BIT GABI? 72 responses

The horse gets the gold start this week for giving Gabi a little bit of karmic justice. 65.3% appeared to enjoy the little misfortune Gabi had to endure thanks to the horse’s shenanigans. 19.4% agree that this was surely the work of devils! And 15.3% felt genuinely bad for Gabi during this moment. 

Horse !!!!!!

Wish that horse would have bit Garbage's head off xD

Horse got some revenge for Sasha! Here's hoping someone ot something else will finish her off permanently!

*falco voice* GAAAAAABIIIIII

Thank you Horse-kun!

WE ASKED THIS A FEW WEEKS AGO, BUT WE WILL ASK YOU AGAIN. WILL GABI CHANGE HER VIEWS ABOUT THE PEOPLE ON PARADIS? 73 responses

56.2% of respondents feel confident that Gabi’s views of Paradis will change by the conclusion of her character arc. 12.3% are still adamant that nothing will be able to sway her views. The remainder continue to be uncertain. 

I hope gabi changes her views. But she seems pretty set 

I don't honestly know if Gabi will change her views, but killing Sasha was enough to make me ALWAYS hate her no matter what kind of development she may get

Will Gabi change? I don't know but I don't care. Nothing will undo her killing Sasha.

DO YOU THINK GABI AND FALCO WILL BE ABLE TO GET HELP FROM NICOLO? 73 responses

Kaya mentions that they will be eating at a Marleyan’s restaurant and believes that said Marleyan (Nicolo) will be able to help Gabi and Falco figure out a way to return home to Marley. Nearly half of the fandom feel that they won’t be successful in getting any help from Nicolo, while only 13.7% think that he will be able to do something for them. 31.5% didn’t want to make a call either way.

REINER IS DETERMINED TO GET TO PARADIS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO SAVE GABI AND FALCO. DO YOU THINK THE WARRIORS WILL BE SUCCESSFUL IN RETRIEVING THEM? 72 responses

Over half of the fandom (65.3%) doesn’t have much faith in the Warriors to successfully retrieve Gabi and Falco. 20.8% feel the opposite, however, and think that their urgency is warranted. Will they get to Gabi and Falco in time?!

epic laina

WHICH QUESTION INTRODUCED IN THE EPISODE ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING ANSWERED? 73 responses

With every AoT episode, we get as many questions as we do answers. This episode is not an exception. Majority of the respondents (53.4%) are interested in getting answers for all of them (What did Yelana talk to Eren about, what is up with Mikasa’s headaches, what is Hange going to investigate and why is Shiganshina being evacuated?). Out of the all of those, the Yelena-Eren convo is the most popular one.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

Gabi sucks so hard, she should be much more harshly punished for killing Sasha

The scenery was beautiful!! I'm hoping we get some action soon tho

MAPPA created some beautiful imagery this episode, like the scene with Falco and Gabi at the lake so was gorgeous! Also I wanna honk Reiner's tiddies

babies, my babies. 

Gabi sucks

Doesn't really stand out, but I much preferred the pacing of this episode to the last two. I better see some damn rumbling next ep, we're getting straight edged rn with that ice plane.  I absolutely FUCKED with seeing Louise do the little salute, brought back memories of simpler times.

Gabi is garbage

I loved the episode! Beautiful callbacks to so many previous set-up/storylines. It made me reminisce a bunch. I also hope for a bit of catharsis regarding Sasha's death by the hands of Gabi. Hopefully something will click and Gabi will realize that she may be wrong in her beliefs after realizing the person she killed (Sasha) is savior Kaya had described to her. While I don't hate Gabi, I also wouldn't mind a bit of karma going her way either. 

I think this is definitely one of my favorites so far. There's a lot of interesting new pieces of info, and I'm excited to see how this stuff resolves in the end.

I hate Gabi even more

I hate Gabi SO much

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 73 responses

Thank you again to everyone who participated!

[republictrooper]

So I managed to get all 4 of my team members (I never recurited Lae’zel this playthrough, just because I never found her for some reason and she wasnt gonna be part of my main walking around team anyway) to want to bed my character this playthrough of BG3 EA, and man, It was nice to see all 4 of the scenes with my MC Cifgha. 

Some thoughts (with major spoilers, ofc):

-Gale’s romance scene is still bugged to show a Dwarf woman up to her shoulders in the ground for whatever reason, but otherwise I was pleasantly surprised at how well they accounted for short characters.

-In non-romance weirdness, I assassinated the leaders at the Temple, thus preventing the invasion from ever happening, but everyone in the Grove/Camp talked as if it had happened (and was successfully repelled) anyway. I wonder if that means the in-camp assassinations wont be possible in the full game, or they just need to reprogram some triggers so people dont talk as if the goblins did do that full-scale raid?

-No-one but Astarion seems to have had any actual changes to their romance scene, but I can live with that. It’s still early access, and Gale at least still has an Under Construction section on his thing. 

-Shadowheart was... unexpectedly cute? I don’t know yet where they’re going with her character (I’m kind of hoping you can choose to either lure her to the side of good or help her ascend as a Sharran, depending on your preferences/choices), but gosh, she’s so sweet if you can actually break through her standoffish outer layer. I’m just imagining sitting by that waterfall all night, just cuddling and talking. Then that cute, hesitant kiss in the morning. Gosh, I wonder how much of this falls apart when we get to Baldur’s Gate and her memory gets unlocked, but for now... it’s nice, and I almost want to keep going with her, try to find a way to get her to trust me, not just out of curiosity, but because it feels like she really needs someone on her side, and Cifgha would love to be that person, as a friend or a lover.

-Gale, height problem aside, was just as sweet and suave as ever. I think, oddly enough, I wasnt offended by his keeping Mystra’s romance from me. He told me enough about the thing in his chest that I could understand it was an issue and one I was already willing to help him with given I gave him some powerful artifacts to absorb, and like, given Mystra very obviously dumped him, I don’t think he was cheating on her with me and he didn’t necessarily owe me an up-front explanation about her. I can certainly see a future storyline where he DOES need to choose between Mystra and me, but hell, wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been dumped cuz my ex went back to an old flame. 

Regardless, I still love his nerdy romantic speeches and his love of knowledge and his beard, and he’s still a strong contender for my canon romance.

-It was nice to see Wyll on my character since I wasnt able to get him on my first playthrough and he was my first choice for romance before I played the game and still strongly in the running for canon romance. I’m a big fan of the suave dashing guys who want to save the entire damn world and he fulfills that for me in spades. And his romance scene is understatedly nice and lowkey, just letting you cuddle the poor guy and take his mind off Mizora for a moment. 

-Astarion... well, he was Astarion. I don’t like him as much as most of Tumblr, but I can see the allure, and the new parts we got for his romance scene was definitely hot as heck. I hope the finished Gale and/or a future Wyll Scene at least have some of that. 

Anyway, Still enjoying EAing, wondering if my “Explode all the goblins with Powder barrels I stole from that shady halfing merchant with a few strategic uses of Misty Step” strat will work in the full game. We’ll see what future updates bring! Here’s hoping Gale’s romance gets an update/fix next!

[purrpickle]

Random Pezberry Thought of the Day #367

Having learned her lesson about giving Rachel a heads up about climbing up to her window after getting violently attacked by a hairbrush and nearly getting the cops called on her when she stuck her head inside the first time, Santana chilled near the dark corner of Rachel’s house, waiting for the return text that would allow her to start her ascent. As she waited, she leaned back against the house, smiling absently to herself as she listened to Barbra Streisand filter down from Rachel’s room. As much as she would have complained to anyone else, it was classic Rachel - and, yeah, she liked Rachel, classic edition included.

Having just pulled her phone out to check it again, Santana froze when the back door slid open.

“As much as I’d love to ask you what you are doing loitering in our backyard,” LeRoy Berry’s voice made Santana jump, and she sloooowly turned around, staring at him, “I think I can guess. You just got back from cheerleading camp, yes?”

“Oh god.” Santana let out reflexively, swallowing back an expletive as she nodded stiffly. “Uh, yeah.” She cleared her throat, stashing her phone back into her pocket before her hand settled on her hip. “We, well, god, Rache already annoyingly had plans with you - you know how she is.” She huffed. “This is us working around that.” She paused for barely a second. “Obviously.” 

Honestly, Rachel had been incredibly annoyed at herself for distractedly agreeing to her fathers’ plans before pulling her day planner out and realizing Santana was coming home that same day. 

Hence Santana waiting to sneak in.

LeRoy laughed a little, shaking his head. Closing the door behind him, he walked closer to Santana, wrapping his arms around himself as if to ward against the chill. “At least you’re not smoking or doing something else foolish,” he offered, almost conversationally, glancing at Santana out of the corner of his eye as he stopped next to her, looking over the back yard, “Makes me just that much more willing to go inside and pretend I didn’t see you.”

As her phone vibrated in her coat, immediately drawing Santana’s attention away, Santana bit her lower lip. “Look... Mr. B...” she started, standing up straight, honestly feeling as annoyed with getting caught as she was feeling awkward, “I cans sidle on alongside the house and rap on the front door if you’d like. Make it obvious I’s here so’s you can send me along.”

LeRoy chuckled, shaking his head. “Right. And you’d go home? Not wait even longer until we went to bed and then scale up to Rachel’s room? Hiram and I had conversations when we planted that tree outside our hopeful child’s room, you know.”

Santana made a face. “Are you serious? ‘Cuz if you are, you really can’t blame me.”

Chuckling some more, LeRoy turned to smile at her. “No, no, I’m not blaming you for taking advantage of the foliage. Honestly, you’re already smarter than that flipper boy who tried to chuck actual fist size rocks at Rachel’s window.”

“Wait, he showed up here, too? At night?” Rachel hadn’t told her that. ‘Course, she hadn’t needed to tell Santana that. They’d just talked. And a lot of that talk had been about Rachel and Finn’s doomed relationship. Santana shook her head, raising her hand, “Not the point. Moving on.” She gave LeRoy one of her best, patented, ‘Rent Smiles’, it only flickering a bit as her phone vibrated again. 

LeRoy surveyed her. “Go ahead and check it. She’ll probably start to panic if you don’t.”

Santana’s ears warmed. And, though feeling a little disgruntled at how genial  Rachel’s father was being even with the general air of discomfort swirling around this encounter, she quickly tapped Rachel’s texts open.

My fathers are almost done with their nightly routine, so perhaps another fifteen minutes? Though part of me still finds this ridiculous, falling into the trap of a teenager secretly smuggling her lover into her room under the curtain of darkness, the part inside of me that misses you greatly and can’t wait to be in your arms is already jumping at the knowledge I will see you soon.

It really has been too long. I’m still kicking myself for so blindly postponing our reunion, especially since I know you’ve been missing me as much as I have been missing you. I hope the girls at your camp were nice enough to keep you occupied. Just, wait, no, not like that. I didn’t mean it that way. I know I should go ahead and delete this, but I can’t help... You didn’t, did you? I know, while we have been friends for a while, our romantic and sexual relationship is still pretty new, especially with the camp in the middle, and though I trust you... I’m sorry. Ignore this. It’s the nerves of seeing you. I’ll keep it in, however, so you’ll be able to understand my state of mind when you see me, as you’ve told me before trying to parse my complicated emotions if I don’t verbalize them is hard for you to do.

Santana? I didn’t... I didn’t insult you, did I? That’s the best possible reason for you not responding, at least. I’m doing my best not to jump to conclusions, but I did stumble upon asking you if you cheated on me, and your lack of reassurances... San? Please tell me I’m wrong.

“Fuck,” Santana hissed, ears prickling for another reason entirely than Rachel’s father standing in front of her, curiously watching her. 

She had to answer.

And even before she realized, Santana’s thumbs were whipping up a reply.

Babe. Ur dads here. Takin up my time. Dont worry. Ur cute when u panic but nothings gone on. Only u. No insults. And no conclusions. Missed u. A lot.

Purposefully ignoring the fact that she was baring more than she’d like to, Santana sent off the text and stuffed her phone back into her pocket. “Well, Mr. B?” she asked archly, crossing her arms, heart still racing in her chest, “I don’t mean to be rude -” Not. “- but can we hurry up you a), shooing me off, or b), letting me walk into your house, either with or without you?” 

Blinking at her, obviously left off-kilter, LeRoy drew it out, then guffawed - softly - and shook his head. “Alright, Santana,” he paused, looking up at the sky almost ruefully before looking back at her, lips quirking as he raised his hand, index finger pointed, “This once - just this once - I’m going to turn around and pretend I didn’t see you.”

Santana gaped at him. “What?”

“Yup.” LeRoy nodded at her, already stepping back towards the back entrance, smile gentling, “I love my daughter. And she’s been missing you. Putting up a brave front, but...” He paused, meeting her eyes. “Missing you. I remember those days.” He sobered even more, glancing back at the house. “So, just wait, mmm, about another half hour? Hiram and I should be safely in bed by then.”

Santana could only stare at her girlfriend’s father. “Really?” She swallowed, trying not to look a gift horse in the mouth. “I... ...Yeah. Okay.” She cleared her throat, looking away as she forced out, “...Thanks, I guess.”

LeRoy turned back toward her, smile honest, almost amused, as if he could look through her. “Don’t mention it.”

And Santana, fingers curling around her phone as it vibrated with an answering message from Rachel, nodded. 

Silent as the man disappeared back into the house, “...Fuck,” Santana exhaled, dropping back against the wall, looking up and imagining Rachel looking back down at her from her window, “Jesus - fuck.”

[raespark]

That Allister cosplay is outstanding!! How did you make the mask and the gym symbol+endorsements? I'm planning on doing an Allister cosplay in the future myself

Thank you so much, and happy to answer! I took lots of pictures through the process so I’ll answer this in two parts.

“How did you make the gym symbol/ endorsements?”

So the first thing I did is take a TON of screenshots I have almost 300 screenshots of reference images of allister and the gym league trainers and the pokejobs logos and so on to get good references for all the logos I needed.Once I was done taking all the screenshots I spent hours tracing them to the best of my ability to create these images: (Not all of these were the final versions which were modified right before printing, apologies)Gym Logo - QUAY/ Gym Logo

XXA - Sponsor (This is the logo for MC Insurance, Allisters Sponsor)

291 - Number

ASTSA - Name (This is the new pokemon language for Onion, Allister’s japanese name)

The square with the diamond - This I nicknamed the “NIKE” cause its the logo for the spotswear company in game

Galar league logo - Galar League logo (this is the logo thats the red and blue pokeball with white marks, and “galar league written underneath it)

And then I put together this ref sheet to make sure the logos looked good together color wise, and some of the colors were still altered later but it all looked pretty good

And then once the logos were all set, I printed them onto heat transfer vinyl and let me explain why I did that specifically. The fabric I used was polyester, which is the kind of fabric that sports jerseys are made of. I did that because the gym’s uniforms are based on soccer jersey’s so it felt fitting!IT WAS A HUGE PAIN I DONT RECOMMEND ITbut now because of the fact that it was polyester paint wouldnt’ work on that fabric because of how stretchy it is and the fact it doesn’t absorb moisture easily. So we printed it onto heat transfer vinyl with my cheap ink printer and then I ironed them onto my clothes! I made sure they were placed correctly by first taping them to my clothes and making a note of the location before ironing it, and then once I was happy with a placement I’d carefully iron it on. This vinyl seems kinda cheap and like the ink might come off with too much water so watch out if you choose to use it. There are also printable iron on paper for other types of fabric as well and are cheaper iirc!

Same goes for the dots, thos were all cut using a CNC/ off brand cricut (just a bunch of circles all at once) and I placed them by hand using painters tape and trimmed as needed to make the designs:

Hopefully that was helpful!

“How did you make the mask?”

So this ones a little more complicated to answer because its not complicated but its not something everyone can do.

So we started on this one before the game came out, and before I’d gotten to Allisters battle in the game but we had enough reference material to figure out the general look of Allister’s mask, so we made a 3D model of it that we planned to 3D print (my bf has a 3D printer and a CNC and helped me a TON for this project) and did a test print of a tiny mask to start to make sure we were happy with the 3D model (here is the tiny mask in my tiny hand, we affectionally nicknamed it “mini mask”)

Now after we had the 3D model we had another issue of how big does it need to be? I have a round head on my own so I didn’t need to modify the shape of the mask thankfully (one time my fat head came in handy!) But we needed to figure out how big to make the mask to make sure it “fit” correctly.

So we tried cutting out a circle with paper in a few sizes until we thought we found a good size for my face (which for me was a little over 7 inches)

went and bought a styrofoam dome from the craft store in that size to make an EVA foam dome and then checked if that fit my face (later this worked fantastic as a way to transport the mask as a protective shell around it) I don’t have a picture of this EVA foam dome but all it was used for was putting it on my face and making sure it went over my chin and such. Once we had that we were ready to start printing the final mask. 

Once the 3D model was scaled for the final mask, it was too big for my bf’s printer to print all in one go so we split it into 4 pieces. Each piece took about 9 hours to print, and a few of the prints failed and had to be redone, so after a few days of printing it looked something like this:

for those who don’t know much about 3D printing all those beams are the supports that lets the printer print raised surfaces like that and have to all be removed. So after about 2 hours of pulling plastic with pliers it looked more like this:

so we left small gaps in the edges of the mask so that we could put metal pins between each piece to help hold it together so we cut our metal pins and assembled the mask and it was starting to come together!

So from here we melted some plasitc onto the seams (plastic welding!) with a wood burner and - wow that looks gross

but trust me its better than gaps in the mask. so after a bit of sanding here we entered the rounds of priming it with spraypaint primer and sanding it for like an hour and doing that again, occasionally using bondo putty to try and even out those seams and those rounds tended to look like allister just murdered a village:

but you can see compared to the previous image that the mask is a lot smoother! This was the final round of sanding and you can tell that most of the layer lines from the printer have been sanded down! You can almost not see the seams anymore! (though now they’re also very red but they’re very smooth in comparison to the beginning trust me…I sat there sanding for many hours for this)

But after this all that needed to be done with a final priming in grey, and then painted it gray!

While the paint was drying, we prepared some masking in the design of allisters mask which if you don’t know what the full mask looks like I wanna reference this from the collectors guidebook (which I just now got my hands on today but saw these on twitter)

So we cut out a sticker sheet in that design and placed it down with some painters tape to keep that part of the mask gray and then it was painted white, and that was the painting done!

For the black in the eyes, I got a scrap of black fabric for cheap at joann’s that I picked up and pulled and it was a very soft polyester/spandex material that you’d use for pantyhose so i’m sure you could also cut up some of those for a similar effect. But when stretched you can see out of them. 

So we made small rings the same shape as the inside of the mask behind the eyes, glued the fabric using super glue to that ring (and the mouth as well) and viola:

and then the final step was to get that mask on my face, and basically we had some rings on the left and right sides of the inside of the mask that I attatched some elastic too, and then needed to glue a third strap over the top of my head. and sewed it all in place and put some craft foam along the forehead and chin inside the mask for some cushioning and it was done! 

I really hope that was helpful and I tried to make sure I took lots of photos along the way so I hope they were helpful. If you have other questions feel free to ask! Sorry for the novel but just wanted to be as detailed as I could be!

Thank you for your nice words and best of luck!! Allister is a detailed boy but he’s very fun!

[im-the-punk-who]

Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that 

i’m seriously...so tired of being alone lmao. and i know everyone is - we’re all alone right now. but my alone-ness started before the pandemic - in fact i was just starting to be ready to climb out of it when this whole thing hit, and i’ve been stuck in a place i’m ready to move on from with no real way to do so. 

Steve got all the friends in the breakup. all but maybe four friends have either stopped talking to me completely, or only in that vague facebook way when i ask directly for help. I’ve lost probably 90% of the personal connections I made during the last five years. And I can’t make any new ones, not only because of the pandemic, but because i’m terrified of...what will happen when I inevitably fail again. I know i’m not good at making and keeping friends. It wasn’t ever something i was taught how to do, seeing as i never stayed in one place long enough to have them when i was growing up. i learned to be alone, and depend on myself. i learned that trusting other people was how you got hurt, and ostracized, and hurt, and hurt. 

and i really have tried? i have tried and tried and tried to tell people this, to make them understand that to be my friend means to accept this, to TELL me when i’m not being a good friend, or when i’m going too long talking to them. when they feel ignored. when i do something insensitive. 

and yet all i get is ‘oh no i would never do that to you, i’ll never leave you, well I love you and i understand and i think youre great.’

and it’s. god it’s so disheartening because then when i DO inevitably fuck up, push things to far because i get hyperfixated and nothing else matters- not even the boundaries of the people i care about - i’m the bad guy. i’ the one who didnt listen. im the one who didnt care. i’m the one who left, who was too insensitive.

and i’m not saying i am not or wasnt those things. i was. but i try - god i always fucking TRY to explain at the outset that i am like this because i have no frame of reference to be anything else. that i am trying but i need HELP. i dont need understanding, and while compassion is nice and love is great, what i need sometimes is a slap over the head.

and yet every time i get this. ‘i’ll never leave you’ - at this point i’m so conditioned to losing people that say this, I accept that at the point someone says that to me, the relationship is over. 

Steve said that to me six months into when we were dating. I knew the night we got together we weren’t going to work. but for three years i hung onto the hope that if i tried hard enough to change myself, that if i hung on that the kinks would iron out. i was fucking stupid. i was really, really fucking stupid. i wish i had been more honest, and open, and i wish i hadn’t tried so hard to insist that it was just trauma, or immaturity, or that we would grow into being able to cooexist.

The sun peeks over the horizon in a futile attempt to catch a glimpse of the night sky that is now retreating in its presence, for no two things so entirely opposite could ever coexist in the same place at the same time.

I wonder how that escaped our notice for so long.

i’m obsessed with trying to grow and fix and heal and try. i fail, but i am always trying. steve excels at accepting themselves for who they are. their flaws are their flaws and they are okay with that. 

like i said. this wasn’t news to me in 2016, and it sure as hell wasn’t news in 2019. 

i am feeling abandoned and hopeless and now, without a way forward since any funds and all the work i put into myself over the past 8 years - believing if i was successful enough and i could at least hold up my financial stability as proof that i was different (from my siblings, since my parents always said the reason they would never loan me money was because my siblings were all deadbeats who had never paid them back a dime) - believing that if I at least had that, i could accept that personally i was a failure. that it wouldn’t be a failure if i had something to balance the scales. i am dreading the emotional response when my credit score - which was finally consistently in the high 700s and low 800s, plummets to 680 because i have maxed out every source of money i have trying to stay alive and keep my pets alive, with vet bills and a roof over out heads. it seems small and inconsequential and it shouldn’t matter so much. but it does. that number represents years of sacrifice. that number represents the fact that i was getting somewhere. that i had value i could measure(which may seem unhelpful, but it was. it was beyond helpful for my self esteem and confidence to know i had assets i could use to help myself and those i cared about.)

and now i’ve lost both and i know the mountain is not unclimbable and i know the path i have to take and i know i can make it. but it also means i know the rocks i will stumble on, i know the caves that smell like death i will have to shelter in. i know the cold and damp i will endure. i know how many times i will stumble and fall and bleed and cry and scar. i’m fucking tired, and i’m alone, and knowing it gets better doesn’t make it any easier. knowing how to make it better doesn’t make it any quicker or less painful. and there is still that pesky thing called personal relationships that i will once again have to put aside to stabilize my financial life. again. 

i am bitter. i am trying not to be. but i am. i’m so fucking bitter that i am never going to get an apology, or even an acknowledgment of the fact that the hurt went both ways. that i am going to be the bad guy to people who said (not just steve) that they would love me and would understand and would support me. that i did not even warrant an explanation to their disappearance, as if my sins themselves were explanation enough. as if i know what i did and am the only one at fault. i still see pictures of steve alongside the people i still think of as my friends and they look happy and like they are at least not alone, and i have not heard from anyone since before the start of this year. 

no matter what i do it always leads to the same outcome.

I am so goddamn fucking tired. i am trying not to panic. i am trying so hard to be conscious of the patterns i will fall into. of the patterns i fell back into with steve. i am writing everything down in the hopes that if i survive this i will be able to track myself better. to be more aware of myself. 

sorry means nothing if you don’t change your behavior. 

sorry isnt what i want. it’s never what i want. i want to see that no one will go through what you put me through. what we put ourselves through. 

i am feeling very alone, and i wish i had something to hold onto, someone i could talk to who would understand. but they’re all gone. i dont want to open up to anyone anymore. 

and i know this wouldnt be as bad if i could make some new friends, if i was working, if i had something i could do to throw my focus into. i’ve always been great at distraction.

anyway my plan is to get super drunk on shitty beer in the true fashion of my alcoholic family lineage because i’ve given up on healthy coping mechanisms. those didn’t work, so at least these ones feel better. 

[remainloved]

A concept where y/n devoted her life to studying and even after finishing college a little faster (because she's hardworking), she doesn't accept the fact that there's something beside studies. But a twin tries his best to convince her otherwise because he low-key likes her and doesn't want her to be overwhelmed

y/n here would be exactly like my real life best friend. she is nose deep in studying and i think everyone around her, including me is trying to convince her that it’s not :))

i changed it slightly, hope you dont mind bub.. 

———————————————————————

Y/n has never been the number one choice of everything. She’s got a sister and her sister beats her in every aspects of life, at least that how she thinks.

She’s always the last on to be picked during sports. She’s always given the sloppy second or used toys and clothes from her sisters.

She was never prioritized. She was never first.

At least it all changed when started burying herself in books, closing the world of by having her nose deep down in textbooks. She never knew that all these readings would give her a first place in academics.

As young as in elementary year, Y/n knew she wasn’t smart and she needed to study harder than most people and she did. She beat all the odds and came first place in competitions and school.

She swept all through the awards offered by school. In junior high, she started becoming the president of the student council and acing all the AP classes.

She finished high schools with trophies, awards, medals and a valedictorian for a straight whole year of high school.

These awards and the smiles from her parents motivate her more to study and fall in love with these logarithm, algebra, organic compounds, and all those stuff that are incredibly hard to understand. She takes pride in learning and mastering them, in a way of consoling herself for never being the first pick of everyone in anything, except academically.

It wasn’t hard to get in to the Ivy leagues or anything, name any university and Y/n would 100% get in with ease.

It was one day when she was late night in the library. Call it destiny, fate or maybe an accident.

Someone opened the door and stupidly enough locked the two inside. Y/n was scared. Really she was, afraid that it might be a serial killer on the loose or a pervert at night.

“Holy shit.” He cursed when he saw a back under the silhouette of the big window. When she turned her head around, there, her heart stuttered for a second.

What she didn’t expect was to meet a guy, so incredibly good looking that he could pass becoming a Calvin Klein model.

He lightly scratched the back of his head, “Hi,” as he hand out his hand.

Y/n is a part of the student body so she knew legit everyone in school and she never saw him before.

She cocked her head to the left, “You’re not around here, are you?”

He smiled sheepishly and took his hand back while shaking his head.

Y/n pulled her eyebrows together and the guy infront of her grinned awkwardly before nodding his head. “I’m Ethan Dolan, by the way.”

“Y/n, Y/n Y/l/n.” She replied with her head nodding slightly.

Ethan, on the other hand, was surprised. Not to sound cocky and egoistic, there’s legit no one in the world around her age and species would not know who the Dolan Twins are.

This girl infront of him was not freaking out, was not screaming in front of his face, shoving phones or paper for him to take picture with and sign.

This girl was so normal that it didn’t fit to his usual life. She’s different.

They spent their night talking, Ethan was talking about how he was recording a video with his twin brother.

Their video idea was about hide and seek but in a bigger scale. So Ethan hid in one of the universities’s library and somehow locked himself in with a new girl.

Y/n was confused, why would people be doing this late at night? But nevertheless Ethan made Y/n laugh, a lot.

Which was a rare moment because Y/n doesn’t really connect with the outside world, per say.

Ethan even showed his videos to Y/n through her laptop and she was just watching through his old videos. While Ethan was just staring at her, amused. His lips would slightly twitch when she laughed at his jokes.

When she was about to subscribe, her eyes widened at the huge amount of following. “You didn’t say you’re famous?”

“I’m not, really.” He shook his head while Y/n just laughed.

“Just liked it when you’re treating me like a normal person not an internet celebrity.” He continued.

“Trust me, I’ll treat you as normal as I would treat a human.” She shook her head while laughing.

When morning arrived and the library doors were opened, they exchanged numbers and a hug before separating.

That night not only did Ethan gained a new subscriber, he gained a new friend.

———————————————————————

“Y/n, let’s hang out.” Ethan whined through his phone.

While Y/n has her phone on loudspeaker as she’s jotting down and double checking her flash cards.

When Y/n didn’t answer, Ethan continued, “Y/n?”

Y/n hummed and Ethan asked again, “Hang out?”

“I can’t, I have finals coming up.” She reasoned out while writing through her flash cards.

“Y/n, you’ve been studying for the last 24/7.” Ethan groaned and Y/n chuckled, imagining Ethan rolled over his bed. 

“I can’t, this one would be very crucial.” Y/n said while adding some more words on the cards. 

“FIne, study well.” Ethan bid his goodbye and Y/n could just hummed before pressing end call.

Y/n sighed as she looked around her organized pile of books and notes around them all. She nodded her head and convinced herself that this is the only thing she should learn if she wants to get the first place.

She needs to or she would be back to sloppy second.

——————————————————————————————————

Ethan reached her dorm room and Y/n was bundled in her blankets. Her eyes have dark circles underneath and her eyes red. Her nose is really red and blotchy cheeks. 

“Bub, you okay?” He breathed out as he walked closer and locked the door. 

Y/n saw Ethan’s worried face and she broke down completely. She shook her head and soon enough it triggers her waterwork as it’s flowing fast. Ethan rushed to her side and pulled her into a tight hug.

“You’re okay.” He cooed as he traced her back and patted on the slightly. Y/n shook her head. Her tears smearing on to Ethan’s clothes and she leaned back words.

“Your clothes.” She croaked and Ethan just shook his head and brought her back into his arms. 

“Wanna talk about it?” He asked softly while bringing Y/n closer towards his lap.

“I failed.” She cried out loud and Ethan looked at her.He turned his head towards her nigthstand and saw a paper with 95/100. 

“Y/n, you got 95.” Ethan was so proud and confused. While would she be crying over such a good result?

As soon as she heard her score number, she cried harder and shook her head. “Lucy got 100.” 

Ethan would just have to pretend that he knows who Lucy is. He remembered Y/n talking about her as the rival. Someone who is on her tail to get back at Y/n or a higher score than her. 

Ethan really wanted to ask her, why? what’s wrong with losing to Lucy? 95 is still such a high number. But he held himself back, knowing that if Y/n needs someone to talk to, she could always turn to him. 

He gave her the time. 

He wrapped his arms tighter around her as she cried harder around him.

“I tried so hard, so hard.” Y/n said exasperatedly. Her eyes were weary and her hands moving violently.

“Y/n.” Ethan called for her name while standing in front of her. While she was breaking down.

Y/n shook her head murmuring, “No, No,” with her hand grabbing the side of her head.

“Y/n.” Ethan called her more sternly and Y/n halted her movement.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she shook her head and let all her guards down, “I can’t.” She whimpered.

Ethan sighed as he wrapped his arms tightly around the girl of his dreams. They stood there silently while Y/n is messing up her makeups and smearing tears on his shirt.

A small hiccups here and there and gentle “It’s okay.” Every now and then and somehow it calmed both of them down.

When Y/n was already calm, Ethan motioned her to his couch. He brought out blankets and wrapped them around her.

He walked in to the kitchen and preared a chamomile tea for the two of them, remembering that Y/n adores the tea.

“Wanna tell me now?” He asked silently and yet there’s a strong determination that is unwavering there. Somehow that made Y/n wanna tell him everything.

Y/n took a deep breath before ranting out all her frustration. All her fears and insecurities.

How she’s always second to her sister.

How she’s never the best in her family.

How she’s always nicknamed sloppy second by her cousins.

How she tried so hard and never once succeeded.

One of the many reasons why it molded Y/n to be the person who she is right now.

As she started spilling out her worries, Ethan somehow understood. Ethan has a twin and when the world is so carelessly comparing the two, he knows the feeling of becoming second.

He understood but he couldn’t put to words and comfort her because he knew, he knows that no words could comfort her mind and heart for being broken for so long.

“Y/n, I know it’s annoying when people say this,” He put the falling hair behind her face fram and smiled softly. Y/n’s puffy eyes looking back at him.

“You’ll always be my first choice, okay?” He whispered.

And goodness knows that Y/n hates cheesy stuff but somehow Ethan’s words stirred up feelings in her chest

Maybe it’s the way his gentle eyes looking back at her with adoration and sincerity. Maybe it’s the way his calloused hands softy tracing random patterns on her back and fingers playing her hair.

Maybe it’s because it’s just Ethan and her heart soars for him. She believed him.

She believes him.

She smiled softly and Ethan’s heart tutted and her sincere smile. He promised himself that day to keep that smile on for the rest of his lives.

Ethan leaned forward and pressed his lips on top of her head. “You’re my priority.” As he leaned back at stared at her, he continued, “Always.”