#need to eat dinner and go to sleep

[communist-hatsunemiku]

potetoneko0429

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

im freeeeeeeeee

[the-woild-is-y-erster]

day fucking ruined nvm

[seventh-district]

sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind

[threnodians]

texted my boss to call out again, i was feeling better last night but i’m back to feeling like trash garbage again which is fucking fantastic 👍🏻

i should go to the doctor but i know that this is almost definitely just a combination of an autoimmune flareup and my period and stress and going to the doctor would be exhausting and pointless as it almost always is for me

i feel so bad (i say as i am literally laying in bed crying) because joey is picking up my shift again like she did last night even though she works the morning shifts as well but also like thank goodness she is because i quite literally cannot do the job while feeling like this i can barely do anything while feeling like this

[deadrlngers]

save me scrambled eggs save me scrambled eggs save me

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

[cowboy-robooty]

i dont got a gaurdian angel or devil on my shoulder but i do imagine grandad (robert freeman) from the boondocks reacting to everything around me

[hayaku14]

OH MY FUCKING GOD ASKDJDJS WORLD STOP I ACTUALLY SCREAMED

[yoshistory]

Kind of don't understand how I did so much today and how I'm not even wanting to collapse rn. I think I still have like adrenaline/babygirl needs watching instinctual feeling so I can't rest

[skrunksthatwunk]

unfortunately i have found myself mildly captivated by a fancy caffeinated drink. this is bad bc I've avoided coffee all this time and now im being defeated. by $6 cold brew shake orz

[exopelagic]

okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool

[zoppzoop]

bro I am so hungry it just straight up hurts

[newtness532]

ive done nothing but knit today. im loving the circular needles (although i havent started working in the round yet) and im teaching myself to knit holding the yarn on my left arm. im having a little trouble with the tension and also i cant figure out how to hold the yarn to purl but it's fun :] also the lifelines are like amazing, im so happy i saw this one video and then that other person here told me more about it

[threnodians]

when i feel like absolute trash garbage i either listen to hozier or kendrick lamar which. are two extremely different genres. but hey, both make me feel better and that’s what’s important

[ilonacho]

it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat