#need some reassurance but wont get it bc for others its normal and not a stressor that will haunt them for the whole next week!!
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relto · 1 year ago
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feral dog gets a little treat for no longer trying to chew its own leg off after doing nothing else for 2 days. UGH
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noellefan101 · 8 days ago
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Silent Living
Characters: Noelle, Kinich, Lynette, Beidou, Diluc x mute GN!reader
Summary: You're mute, and cant talk? not a problem for your partner, they can find other ways to communicate, and honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
Warnings: mute reader, most of them dont know sign language but there are people where i think they would either have learned it already or will learn it for you, gn reader as always
Note: hehe its kinda hard to write for Noelle tbh, i just can't see her romantically if that makes sense, its like a platonic obsession i have for her. but i chose to write for some girlies bc i felt like it, luv you :P
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Noelle
She's a sweetheart and i fully believe she would try to learn sign language the day you meet for the first time. but for the sake of the cute gestures lets pretend she barely knows any words in it, or that you arent the best yourself despite probably needing it heh.
(she would teach you some if so, or learn with you)
In a classic Noelle fashion, she does literally anything for you, though people would normally just have to speak her name, you can't. so she always keeps an extra eye on you to ensure she's there when you need her help. that may be a given, but its truly what shes best at doing.
Loves writing little notes for you, whether its just so you can remember something or if its to invite you anywhere, she loves it. and she has definitely not been carrying pen and paper with her for weeks so you could write notes for each other, no no.
I dont imagine her being the best with words, but is always very good at comforting. so if you need some reassurance or just comfort you can come to her. and you can let her know to be silent by putting a finger over her mouth if you like the silence more. she wont be offended don't worry.
Kinich
Not very good with words and likes silence when possible, so it's very common for you to sit in silence doing an activity together. he's best with actions at least, both giving and receiving, so just doing a tiny chore for him would mean more than words could.
Though it may be difficult to do anything for each other since he's quite busy, and so could you be. but he always has time to sit with you for at least 30 minutes a day and just spend quality time together.
if you ever need anything from him, he has a notebook on him at all times that you're free to write in. Although Ajaw has made a fuss about it being annoying to wait for you, but he'll shut up if Kinich locks him up.
Lynette
She loves the silence you bring. being around her brother all the time can get annoying, no matter how much she loves him, so a quiet tea time with you is often just what she needs. she knows you can feel out of place or left out even since you cant communicate as easily with her siblings. but she is always ready to talk for you.
No matter how much she hates public speaking, and how often she gets her brother to speak for her, she'll speak for you. if there's anything you'd like to say, just write it down and show it to her. she might even know what you wanted to say, by how you stand and how your muscles move. so she will sometimes speak for you before you even get to start writing it down.
She has made sure you're a part of the conversation, not just there and looking around. she might have some knowledge about sign language, but she knows many do not and makes sure everyone understands you.
(she might even ask father if they can get classes in sign language, or at least the siblings of hers that you interact with most often)
Beidou
Maybe not the best at silent communication, but she tries her very best. if she doesnt know sign language she'll learn it, mostly because she feels it would make you more comfortable, but its also something that she may find interesting.
She is very good at dealing with different kinds of people though, so expect yourself to feel right at home wherever you are on her ship. she might even have started teaching her crew how to talk with you properly, whether thats getting you something write down on or learning them a bit of sign language that im not sure of.
Unfortunately it all goes in weird directions when she's drunk, while she talks for you it might be hard to get her to pay attention enough or even speak your thoughts properly. Kazuha is your savior in this case.
Diluc
He has made sure every single maid and anyone he hires learn to speak through their hands. he might even have prepared for it before you started dating, and even some of his staff you have never met before just knows how to speak with you.
Its a given that you're going to be well treated at the dawn winery, but Diluc makes sure you feel the most at home you'll ever experience. you have at least 1 maid whos ready to tend to you in a seconds notice, whether its jsut that you need something to write on or you need to know where you lover is.
Will literally drop anything for you with just a finger on his shoulder. whatever you need, he'll do it. need a hug? no need to even gesture it he knows, someone doesnt understand you at all? he's ready to talk in your place for hours on end.
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I might have written it weirdly again sry, im not mute and i just like writing, Luv Ya- Masterlist
You are welcome to reblog and like any of my posts, but you CAN NOT translate, copy or hate on anybody for liking my posts
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kazuwhora · 3 years ago
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SICK DAYS — TOYKOREV
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ft. mikey, kazutora, and chifuyu
cw: fluffy thats all
an. anon headcanon request about how annoying they are when they're sick
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MIKEY
- ok listen. this man is a big baby. im sorry but invincible mikey??? not when he catches a cold.
- he can get wacked in the head over and over again and be fine but the second he gets a stuffy nose and a little bit of a headache its over for him ok.
- ur gonna have to literally wait on him hand and foot even more than you normally would. he was already a needy mf when he's healthy and this is literally a million times worse.
- is convinced that he's dying. "this is it. can't go on any further" -- "mikey you don't even have a fever" -- "yes I do" -- "ok"
- dont even try to play it down or tell him he's fine because ✋🏻he isn't listening to you
- uses this as an excuse to do whatever he wants. (lets be honest he already gets everything he wants)
- will sleep a lot though and demands you to be in the bed with him. straight up does not care if you have other responsibilities or if you're trying to not get sick yourself. he needs you in his bed immediately. and you have to be the big spoon this isn't up for debate
- if mikey is sick you can expect to be using whatever sick days you hopefully have saved up because no matter how mild of a cold he has his smug little ass just wants a free pass to hang out with you while you do everything for him
- lets not talk about if he's decided he's done with being sick though but his body absolutely hasn't decided that because then he'll get up as if nothing happened and just go about his daily life
- and then he gets even more sick because he overworked himself when he should have been resting and was too busy resting when he probably could have been working.
- "idk what ur talking about" he'll claim when you call him out on it.
- cycle repeats 😐
KAZUTORA
- poor baby does not want you to know hes sick :(((
- he's like ?? please im fine rly its ok meanwhile he's suffering hardcore
- kaz is the type to try and pretend like he's fine until he rly can't anymore and when u catch on that he's not feeling the greatest and offer to take care of him he's like "omg pls help me ilysm please dont leave me"
- like he doesn't wanna seem needy or helpless on his own so it takes u noticing for him to be able to accept the defeat and surrender himself to you and the cold
- he's gonna feel bad bc he really doesn't wanna get you sick like "don't come any closer to me or else ur gonna get sick too and then what are we gonna do :("
- shush him and give him a kiss on the forehead pls reassure him that it's fine and you wanna help him
- watch out! he's gonna try and get up and help you do things. like kaz baby. no. the whole point is ur supposed to be resting?? more reassurance needed. put him back to bed and tell him ur here for him
- probably gonna need to frame it like "if u dont lay down and rest then ur gonna take longer to get better and im gonna have to take even more time off work to take care of you then"
- he'll be like !!!!! no !!!!! and will immediately tuck himself under the covers
- like mikey, give him lots of cuddles pls he needs it. maybe play with his hair and he'll probably shut up and fall asleep in seconds
- when he's feeling better its like it never happened. kazutora?? sick?? kazutora doesn't get and kazutora doesn't need no woman to take care of him ���
CHIFUYU
- ngl chifuyu is actually pretty capable of handling himself when he's sick
- but that doesn't mean he isn't gonna milk this as much as he can
- this sly mf is gonna try and craft the perfect sick day storyline straight out of a manga
- he's gonna try and pull off some weird sweetly romantic but kinda gross plot to rope you into because like ?? how could he pass up this opportunity?
- he'll put so much effort into trying to make things go a certain way that he wont even realizing how much sicker he's getting in the process
- shush him and tell him he's dumb and he'll probably furrow his brow at you and then realize "oh shit" he actually feels like shit :(
- poor fuyu will give up on his fantasy and curl up on the couch in defeat, moping until he falls asleep
- bonus points if he wakes up with a blanket and a glass of water beside him
- bonus bonus points if you're curled up at his feet- but not to close! he doesn't want you to get sick thats not a part of his plotting
- pls make him tea to soothe his throat he'll be so cute for you sitting curled up in a fluffy blanket watching ghibli movies with you as he sips on his lil mug of tea
- he wants you to stay over but doesn't know how to ask, so pls just assume that you're staying there no matter what he says
- pls don't tell baji he's sick. he is a tough boy. baji can't know >:( (hes also scared bc he knows baji is gonna force some gross cough medicine down his throat and laugh and he would much rather listen to your soft coos and praises while u give him spoonfuls of the best tasting stuff you could find ok)
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emma-cantmakeuphermind · 4 years ago
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Dating Richie Tozier Would Include:
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has she/her pronouns but just lemme know if you need me to make a copy with other pronouns
this came out way longer than i had planned
Warnings: uh just some fluff maybe angst, slight cursing i mean its richie trashmouth tozier,,,bEwArE, light smut under the cut
ok, you guys probably met in elementary school
you were most likely getting bullied or sum and then bill, stan, eddie, and richie found you crying
long story short they asked if you wanted to be their friend
on that day you became the first official girl in the losers club
you and richie probably were best friends instantly
but now on to the actual dating stuff
when you first started dating richie couldn’t keep his excitement to himself
he probably made comments like this
“guys i can’t believe it! y/n l/n is my girlfriend!”
“i mean like how? shes so fucking hot”
and the other losers were probably like
“okay we get it richie, shes way out of your league, we didn’t need you to tell us to figure that out.”
*insert stanley’s iconic eyeroll here*
pda in your relationship has definitely evolved over the years
at first it was subtle hand holding
maybe a kiss on the cheek here and there
then of course you guys had your first kiss
it was amazing, ecstatic, ya know all the beautiful things in life
richie talks a big game but he was so shy when it came to kissing you the first few times
after the two of you got more comfortable kissing in public
you had no shame in full on making out in front of the losers
you of course got the classic stan eyeroll, and eddies sarcastic gag sound
you guys don’t really have dates
more like... private hangouts
usually those private hangouts include:
listening to your favorite songs
richie trying to sing along but -_-
you find it cute tho
dancing crazily
slow dancing if a slow song is on
but of course
making out is guaranteed
richie always trying to turn a make out into something more 🥴
sometimes you reject him...sometimes you don’t
tho it doesn’t matter what the day has in store the day will always end with the two of you cuddling 
and also playing with his hair is a must
he loves the feeling of you running your fingers through his hair
if you’re ever feeling insecure, richie will hype you up so much
like literally... he wont stop telling you how beautiful you are until you look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are
if that still doesn’t help however
he will literally drag you to the losers houses
even if its 2 am
and vIoLeNtLy knock on their door just to get them to tell you that your beautiful
but not to beautiful 
bc if they ever flirted with HIS girl..
he’d tHrOw HaNdS
but while were on that topic
hes sooOOOO protective over you
like not OVERprotective
but close enough
needy asf when it comes to your touch
he loves it when your holding him 
or hes holding you
he doesn’t care he just needs physical contact with you 24/7
hes always needs to hold your hand
or put an arm around you 
just to reassure him that your there
since his parents are never really there for him 
and constantly left him alone
hes scared you might do the same
ahem...now for some less pg13 stuff
im not gonna go to into depth here just touch on some of the basics
first of all this boy is always tryna get into your pants
he has no shame
like none
what-so-ever
usually its starts out with making out that evolves into more
now things are gonna go one of 2 ways here
soft and loving 
or rough and kinky 
for now were gonna go the soft route 
ill save the rougher route for another day
but either way you always come at least twice
even if he doesn’t at all
which is rare but 
he will slowly start to take your shirt off
then you’ll take off his
he’ll move his kisses down to your neck
as he unbuttons your pants
slowly sliding them off until your left in your underwear
he’ll sit up a little bit so he can take his pants off as well
as your both left if you underwear he unclips your bra
which by now is like a second nature for him
he’ll leave marks like everywhere-
he trails his kisses to the hem of your underwear
always looks at you for permission
once you give him the nod of approval
he slides your underwear off
he lowers himself where his face is level with your core
he’ll start off slow then pick up his pace
you’ll reach down and grab his hair and-
my god does he love it when you pull his hair
he’ll groan against you
the vibrations send you over the edge
once you come he’ll lick it all up
he’ll then slide his boxers off
his dick smacks his stomach leaking precum
(im crying and cringing simultaneously, im so bad at this😭)
he lines himself up with your entrance
makes sure your ready
and slowly enters
he starts off slow but quickly picks up the pace
you’re sensitive from orgasming only mere seconds before hand
constant kisses in between moans
loves to grab your tits
he loves the way they bounce when he pounds into you
he loves to come together with you
he finds it so hot
normally hes quiet and more of a groaner than a moaner
but he can let a moan slip once or twice
you find it so hot
once you both come he falls next to you
soon he’ll get up and get something to clean you up with
literally the best after care
will snuggle you all night 
making sure you feel safe
and drift off to sleep in each others arms
okayyyy well thats over thank god 
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nsfsprince · 4 years ago
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An a/b/o idea thats taken over the brain that I wish to write:
Intruxietlogical A/B/O au that's set in a manor or smth?
Theres Alpha!Logan(cismale), head of the manor and a very rich yet young and respectable individual of the city. Hes like 6'4 and handsome as hell, and secretly knows it(due to Remus's persistent courting) but sees no point in personally flaunting it, letting Remus take the lead in that.
Then theres his eccentric Omega spouse, Remus(nonbinary leaning with he/him pronouns), the (in)famous artist of the city. Hes unusually tall for an Omega at 5'10, crude and unworried about fitting the 'normal' societal omega expectation despite also being born to a rich family. He courted Logan, persistantly, as he loved the fact that Logan treated him with the same respect as he would anyone else and never judged Remus for who he was, and the more Logan accepted the courting the more they fell in love before marrying and bonding at like. 23-25?
Well, Virgil is a 5'1 omega(transman with he/him pronouns), age 24. Hes a feisty little thing thats been surviving the streets for too long, he's parentless and, his high anxiety keeps him safer than most omegas on their own but no ones perfect- he ends up almost getting abducted by a sketchy Alpha when a Beta named Patton storms in and saves him.
That's how Patton, Logan's brother, takes him in to treat the sprained wrist he got from the encounter, and for Remus to set eyes on Virgil and immediately decide he wants to keep and court him, too.
I could ramble alot about the months it takes for remus to flirt and fluster and break Virgil out of his shy terrified shell(because hes gone from interacting with fellow street raccoons to very weathy and very Pretty nobility and its. A Lot.
I could ramble about the way both Remus and Logan coax Virgil into staying in their home for more and more ludicrously simple reasons, just to keep courting him, and how Virgil catches on, and flusteredly does nothing to stop it bc he's slowly falling in love too
But what I Really wanna ramble about, is their bedroom dynamics.
Content warning for under the cut: a/b/o dynamics, talk/descriptions of knotting, polyamourus relationships, kinks. Lots of kinks: oralfixation, dom/sub/switch dynamics, praise kink, overstim(lots of overstim), talk of double penatration, p in v sex, ect. Let me know if i missed anything!
MINORS DNI or you will be fully blocked from this blog and my main one.
Logan is a soft but firm dom, always in control and ready to take control. He has a bit of an oral fixation and loves sucking off his loves as often as he can, happy to sate his loves while getting them to soak themselves in fresh slick. He's easily comanding when needed but also enjoys that Remus is more than willing to take control on occasion(see: regularly). He just really really likes taking care of his loves however he can, and aftercare is super important especially after some of their more intense scenes
Remus is a bossy switch, who Loves riding Logan's cock till hes stuck on his knot, or getting fucked up against a wall till his mind turns to jelly. Really likes a bit of primal play, loves riling Logan up with praising how good Logan could breed him(even tho theyre all on birth control so it really is just for the scenes) if he just pins him down and takes. On the flip side, Re also loves pinning Virgil down and driving him crazy, too.
Virgil is a near complete submissive, he's eagar to give and take as ordered and melts at any praise given. Starting out he'd been touch straved beyond belief(which has since been remedied thoroughly) and thus ended up developing a habit of dropping into subspace the moment Logan and/or Remus cradle his neck with both hands. Hes a very affectionate sub who puts so much of his trust and control into Logan and Remus's hands, and both cherish it as Virgil literally never lets his guard down around anyone else.
So, my favorite thing about their dynamic is that Remus still has a decent sized cock despite being an omega, like is actually rather big for Virgil to take, the draw back is just that Remus cant, at least naturally, Knot Virgil like Logan can. (However, its like one of Remus's biggest fantasies to Knot Virgil, and Virgil is totally in the same boat and would be Very on board with it)
This lack of natural knot doesnt stop Remus of course, infact its encouraging because he has a nearly non-existant refractory period so, literally imagine:
Virgil on his back, Virgil's head and shoulders are cradled lovingly in Logan's lap as the alpha occassionally trades kisses with both of his gorgeous omegas. Virgil's legs spread and cunt gently held nice and open by Logan's gentle but firm hands as Remus repeatedly sinks his cock nice and deep into Virgil. Slick soaks Virge and Remus's thighs, his cunt, and Remus's cock.
Every thrust has Virgil whimpering and his legs twitching with the relentless feeling of the head of Remus's cock just barley rutting against his cervix on every other pass. Just the hot way Remus has Virgil pinned into a mating press and obviously working hard to make that position live up to its name, babbling at how good Virgil feels taking his cock like a good little omega, at how easy it is to breed Virgil over and over and over again.
Then Logan enacts this little idea hes been holding onto the moment Remus starts to get close(hes trained Remus well, having helped him train to stall his orgasms for longer and longer because Remus LOVES overstimmulation). He has Remus slow down for just a moment, causing both omegas to whine, before coating two fingers in plenty of slick and slowly pressing them in alongside Remus's cock.
Virgil is slowly losing his mind(as they find out in later sessions that he absolutely has a size kink, and would happily take both their cocks at once any time hes given the chance) at the width, his eyes rolling. Then Remus is told to start thrusting again until he comes, and to ignore Logan's two fingers outside of being careful.
Virgil and Remus are so keyed up that it only takes another minute or so for Remus to start cumming, following Logan's order of pressing all the way inside as deep as he can get, at which point is Logan's cue to start curling his fingers firmly deep inside of Virgils walls.
Immediately, Virgil starts whimpering loudly as he cums, his body reacting the way it would if he were being knotted by an alpha, cunt clenching tight and sucking Remus's cock deeper as his eyes squeeze closed and his jaw fall lax, overwhelmed as his body draws out his orgasm for as long as hes knotted.
Remus is put in a mind-melting world of pleasurable overstimmulation as hes just climaxed and Virgils cunt is milking it for all hes got and he cant even move or pull out now because hes 'locked' inside. His hips and legs are trembling and he's moaning loudly because it's so hot that hes basically getting to Knot Virgil and it feels so good.
Virgil's cunt won't let him go and wont stop pulsing around the head his oversensitive cock and he really cant be faulted for the way he loses control and just keeps orgasming, his lack of refractory period as a keyed up omega just letting him squirt more and more cum and slick deep into the omega under him.
Logan's gentle and soothing, cooing reassurances to his two loves as he helps them lose their minds & fulfil their fantasies. He even uses his free hand to stroke Virgils little cock slowly, drawing out shaking whines from both of them as it makes Virgil clench harder in intervals. Remus ends up hunched over Virgil, his face tucked into his fellow omega's neck to muffle his overstimulated whimpers.
Logan draws it out for a minute or two, just until pleasured and overwhelmed tears picks at their eyes and their soft begging whimpers and mewls fill the room before slowly releasing the hold, letting the string of tension snap and watching them unravel and relax, finishing their peaks.
Remus cant help the way he struggles to pull out, so oversensitive that his hips keep hitching back in place with the way Virgils body tries to keep him there, needing Logan to pull their hips apart to fully end the scene.
Logan strokes and comforts both exhausted omegas, now fully in his element, cooing soft reassurances to both, getting up to start a bath and carefully guiding them both in and cleaning them up. The sheets are changed and both are put in soft clothing and given juice and cuddles.
Remus would probably make a comment on asking drowsily just how Logan deals with being knotted to him for in upwards of 30 minutes if it feels like /That/ the whole time. Logan would probably just smile sweetly and press a sweet kiss to his lips and say "with experience of course, perhaps we can work on that too, if the both of you would be so inclined?"
Virgil shutters and whines, too tired to get worked up again, Remus in a similar boat but nodding drowsily anyway. Remus probably wakes up sore and gets worked up all over again at the memory of why his cock of all things is sore and sensetive.
Perhaps they do work on it, perhaps Remus is trained to a take it little longer each time, no where near half an hour for the longest time, but he gets pretty close and much better at holding from losing his mind.
Maybe then they explore what it feels like for Remus to be stuck on Logan's knot, while Virgil is stuck on Remus's 'knot' with the help of a toy. Maybe then they also explore working Virgil up to take both of their cocks, and see what happens what Logan's fingers curl just right to trigger that knotted feeling to have Virgil lose his goddamn mind impaled on both their cocks as they slowly thrust in and out despite his body thinking he's already been knotted and reacting as such.
Maybe they even explore working Virgil's other hole open, just enough to take Logan's knot, and give Remus free reign to fuck Virgil's soaking trembling cunt until they can coax Virgil's cunt into taking Remus's 'knot' as well
Idk man. Just. This whole dynamic has so many hot possibilities. 💕💕💕
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2dmenenthusiast · 4 years ago
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I can't remember if I sent this to you already but could I request headcanons for aizawa, hizashi and Toshinori finding their s/o that has a chipmunk quirk that makes her fall into hibernation when it's too cold (kinda like tsu) but when the guys find her with her heart rate low and her breathing shallow maybe they freak a little bc she didn't tell them about that part of her quirk yet
omggggg this idea is literally so cute I got so excited when I first read it. Also thank you love for comin through with the requests, I really appreciate it! <3 I also hella struggled cuz like, what can someone with a chipmunk quirk do? Stuff their cheeks? Climb up trees? Also I legit forgot what a chipmunk even looked like I had to look it up lmaoooo im so dumb it hurts
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Aizawa is an intimidating fella, okay
So when you first told him about your quirk, you were lowkey embarrassed?
Like, here’s this grown-ass man with a badass quirk who is more than capable of taking down villains and defending himself, and here you are just-
🐿️
But you know what’s great about this man? He couldn’t give less of a shit about your quirk or anything like that. He strikes me as the type to care more about personality than anything else
concealing your quirk is fairly easy. People probably wouldn’t even know you had one if it wasn’t for the small fluffy ears popping out of the top of your head, and even then you could just cover them with a hat
But that doesn’t mean you don’t experience the effects of your own quirk just because it’s subtle
You have a mutant type quirk, so you experience certain things that actual chipmunks do
Sometimes you won’t even notice that you’re stuffing your cheeks to full capacity with whatever you’re eating before Aizawa has to cut you off and just be like
“y/n. Chew.”
Or when you’re rushing, you’re usually going so fast that Aizawa can barely even see you zooming from room to room
you can also get kinda skittish at times, your ears twitching whenever you hear a noise that sounds weird or out of place, and you’ll just look at Aizawa with wide eyes until he checks out what made a noise that he could barely hear
“y/n, it was just some kids outside.”
“Oh... sorry, Sho.”
he wants to be frustrated, but he knows it’s not your fault. And honestly? He finds you so cute that he can’t really stay mad at you
So he’ll just let out a huff before patting your head lovingly, grazing his fingers over your ears (Which he KNOWS are sensitive, that asshole)
Experiencing long periods of deep sleep is also a thing. You wouldn’t call it hibernation cuz you still have to do normal, everyday things, but there are times during the winter where you’ll sleep for a few days in a row and only get up to go to the bathroom or eat
And since you can’t actually burrow into the floor of your home, you usually make a blanket fort in the corner of your bedroom and stuff all of the pillows and blankets you can in there until it’s nice and warm, ready for you to bury yourself in
and you might’ve left that little part of your quirk out when you moved in together. whoops
So when Shouta comes home and sees the living room couch void of all of its pillows, he’s not expecting to walk into your shared bedroom and see you curled up in a blanket fort
he’s a bit curious at first, just kinda looking at you like “All right, I guess this is normal?”
and he’ll crouch down and kinda examine you for a bit before he eventually wonders if you’re even breathing? You’re burried under blankets, so he can’t really see your chest moving
eventually he’ll check and see that your breathing is abnormally slow and he kinda just... pauses and checks again to make sure he’s not going crazy.
and he wont deny that he kinda freaks out at first, his immediate thought being that he needs to get you out of there, but the second he grabs the blankets to pull them off of you he’s like wait... hold up.
then it all clicks
you’re a mutant with a chipmunk quirk...
c h i p m u n k
safe to say he’s relieved, so he just lets you be and goes about his day. 
When you wake up a few hours later to go to the bathroom, you come out of the bedroom with your clothes practically on backwards, rubbing at your eyes and stumbling past Aizawa like he’s not even there. And when you’re done, it’s right back to sleep you go
“Back to bed?” Aizawa would ask as he watches you with an amused smirk on his face
“Mhm.”
“Okay. Goodnight, y/n”
“Mm’night.
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Listen, when he first heard of your quirk, he thought it was the cutest shit ever
“Your quirk is Chipmunk?! That’s SOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUTE!”
No he’s legit your number one hype man. If you think your quirk is lame, he’s literally shouting at you how cool he thinks you are.
“You can stuff so much food in your mouth, y/n! And that’s pretty dope if you ask me! I’m totally jealous!”
speaking of food, he’ll just randomly ask you to shove as much as you can of one thing in your cheeks until they’re at full capacity.
“Hey y/n, think you can shove this whole pack of jumbo marshmallows in your cheeks?”
“But... I just bought those :(”
“I’ll buy you more, LET’S DO THIS!!!”
also asks you the dumbest questions omg. You don’t know if he’s genuinely curious or if he’s just doing it to piss you off
“So do you just eat nuts all day?”
“You’ve seen me eat, Hizashi. No.”
“Do you prefer to sleep in trees?”
“That would be extremely uncomfortable.”
“Ooh you’d probably be great frieds with Kamui Woods then.”
“Did you not hear what I just said?”
He also REALLY likes your ears. Like an unhealthy amount? Whenever you’re around he literally wont stop touching them and even tugs on them playfully until you’re swatting at his hands and telling him to go away
He can’t help that they’re so cute :(
so on a particuallry cold day in winter when he has to go to work at the school, he leaves your home while you’re sleeping, only to come home hours later to find you... still sleeping?
You haven’t moved an inch the entire time he’s been gone, so needless to say, he’s a litle concerned.
and when he checks to see if you’re still alive only to discover your heart rate is super slow, he’s A LOT concerned
His brain just goes to the most dramatic thing he can think of, which is that you’re in some weird coma and need to wake up
so rather than, i dont know, gently shaking you awake like a normal person, he grabs you buy your shoulders and starts shaking you violently while shouting your name loud as fuck
“Y/NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN”
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!”
you literally wake up so violently, you sit right up and shove him off of you before asking what’s wrong with him, pretty sure you’ve officially gone deaf
He then explains that he thought you were in a coma or something cuz your heartbeat was so slow, and at that point you just roll your eyes because of course he would come up with this ridiculous conclusion
“Hizashi, my quirk is chipmunk and it’s a mutation quirk.”
He doesn’t even get what you’re getting at, just tilting his head in confusion as he squints at you.
“What do chipmunks do in the winter, babe?”
Cue more confused squinting
“Oh my god, they hibernate, you headass.”
it finally clicks and the look on his face makes it seem like he just learned the secret of the universe, and afterwards he’s going on about how cool that is while you just roll your eyes and lay back down to try and go back to sleep, bringing the blanket over your head to try and drown him out
He eventually gets the hint and leaves, but after a while, you kinda feel bad for blowing up on him. He was just concerned and didn’t fully understand your quirk
so letting out a huff, you pull the blanket down and call out his name, to which he immediately runs to you at the sound of, asking you what you need
you just wordlessly lift up the blanket to expose the empty side of the bed, and oh boy, the size of the grin he gets on his face is unmatched
immediately throws off his hero costume so that you can both be comfortable and jumps into bed with you, holding you impossibly close
you fall asleep in a matter of minutes while he just looks at you fondly, hand soothingly rubbing your back.
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Just like the other two, he finds you incredibly cute. Like mans is in love, okay?
everytime he sees your little ears twitch, he just gets the strongest urge to touch them, but he never does without your consent becuase he knows how sensitive they are.
“Uh... y/n, do you mind if I... touched your ears?” 
Baby probably feels so awkward asking ugh PLEASE REASSURE HIM
“Oh? Yeah, of course, Toshi. Knock yourself out.”
oooh he’s excited. He’ll be super gentle about it, just lightly grazing them with his fingers before gently rubbing them between his thumb and forefinger
and at that point you’re littlerally melting, practically falling into him because him caressing your ears like this feels absolutely amazing
When he sees how it’s affecting you, he immediately becomes a blushing mess and apologizes, but you just hug him and tell him it’s okay and that you liked it
yeah he definitely rubs your ears whenever you’re feeling stressed or anxious because it’s become a quick way to relax you
only when he does it though. If anyone else randomly touches your ears, you get kinda uncomfortable
Just because they don’t look human doesn’t mean they still weren’t a part of you, dammit
Anyways, one day when you’re waiting for Toshi to come back home, you’ve got yourself wrapped up like a burrito in your blanket, sitting on the couch as you watched tv
it had been snowing all day, but luckily Toshinori had turned up the thermostat before he left, remembering how you mentioned that you’re not a huge fan of the cold
unfortunately for you, the harsh weather had no trouble taking out the power, leaving you in the dark and the cold
it didn’t take long for the cold to start seeping in through the cracks in the windows, and you quickly began to grow tired before you inevitibly passed out on the couch, still wrapped tightly in your blanket
When Toshi gets home and sees you on the couch, his first reaction is “aw, how cute.”
but then when he comes up to you and starts calling out your name to try and wake you up and you just won’t, and then he notices how much your breathing has slowed down, he quickly growns concerened.
He’s not in full panic mode yet, but he’s getting there, and he’s quick to crouch down to your level and grab your shoulders to start shaking you to wake you up
which you do, blinking groggily at him like you weren’t just in full hibernation mode
“Oh... Hey, Toshi,” you mumble, and you reach up to wrap your arms around his neck to pull him down so that you can nuzzle yourself into his warm chest
He’s not able to ask you about what happened to you before you’ve already fallen back asleep, and when the power comes back on a few minutes later, he does a quick google search on chipmunks and mutant quirks before putting two and two together
Now he’s thinking of all the ways he could make you something to burrow into during those especially cold winters
310 notes · View notes
heyitsyn · 4 years ago
Text
Complicated
Shirabu x Reader
a/n: im not very familiar with shirabu on a spiritual level like i am w the other characters but ill try my best!! 
request:  okok haikyuu hcs: shirabu is reader’s childhood best friend and messed up their last game in middle school because he changed his setting style to accommodate ushijima,,, and reader, as the manager is very very pissed and they get into a huge fight,,, so once they get to stz they’re academic rivals, reader became the vbc manager just to spite him (oh yea they definitely still have crushes on each other but it’s hard with the current situation) only if it’s ok!! not a lot of ppl write for him :
this is kinda the best friends-to-rivals-to-friends again-to-lovers
requests open!!
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lets get our inhalers bc this finna be a wild one luvs
so, basically,
you and him were actually childhood friends since he lived next door to you
lets say you met when you were 5 and you just stuck on to this slightly cold and dismissive boy who was the shy type
idk bout you but i actually like that type
ppl dont really understand how yall got along bc you were the extrovert and the laughing type of girl
he only stuck around bc you were actually a smart person who helped him occassionally w your organized notes
but he still appreciates your time and efforts to be his friend despite his personality
plus, you also liked volleyball and together you both would watch volleyball matches in his house where you would see him with a smile that he unconsciously wears
like when yall were 8, you gave him a volleyball for his birthday since he lost his old one when he was playing by the river
at first, he was like, ‘oh, thanks, i needed this’
but then as he started tossing it up and down, you could see that bashful smile starting to surface
you shrieked, 
bc you rarely see it and you think its super cute,
and just wrap him up in a hug and he turns all shy again but with a soft smile and a soft blush
‘thanks, n/n-chan’
uh oh, feelings
stinky
since he mainly focused on doing homework or studying, not a whole lot of kids really approached him to hang out since they thought he only lived to study and play volleyball
but you didnt care bc youve been friends w this bun for a long time and you know hes not really like that
he has fun moments too
since you were the manager of the volleyball team, you always try to showcase how fun he was by trying to take the team to bonding places 
the team does think that shirabu has fun but only if its w you
anyways
one afternoon, you naturally just go to his house w him since your mothers know youre practically best friends and so you basically live in each others houses
yall were about halfway through middle school so shirabu has been studying more to get scholarships for schools
he was studying on the little table while leaning against his bed while you were just lounging on his bed after studying
‘ken-channnnn’
oikawa 2.0
‘hm’
you pouted at the distracted reply before sitting up and wrapping your arms around his shoulder from behind him and placing your chin on his shoulder
‘lets do something fun!!!! im boredddd’
he wasnt really fazed by the skinship bc youve been like that to him since day 1
but thats going to change soon
‘i have a new sudoku book over there that you could do’
omg what
‘ken-chan!’
you shrieked in betrayal before leaping off the bed and grabbing his arm to stand him up
shirabu was actually annoyed that you were distracting his studying but seeing a wide grin on your face made him double stop
am i,,,, catching feelings?
nah, he just going through puberty
‘lets go to the fall market! yuki-chan told me theres a new food place that opened and theyre handing out free samples!’
you excitedly told him and continued shaking his arm to persuade him in going
‘n/n-chan, this is my only free day from volleyball to study. i need to pass the test on friday’
you rolled your eyes at that lame excuse
‘i know. i set up the schedule differently bc you have a big test on friday! but you would still have time to study!’
‘but im still unfamilair with the topic-’
‘cmon, ken-chan! youre so smart you could rival buddha!’
‘i dont think,,,,, thats a right comparison’
‘either way, we’re going to hang out and have fun!’
he honestly didnt know why he was at this crowded market w you
shirabu is a whole simp
‘omg ken-chan! look! takoyaki!’
you dragged him to the stall and the nice old lady smiled before taking your order
‘1 box please. ken-chan, you want?’
he shook his head no and started taking out his wallet to pay
but you stopped him
‘no, you dont have to pay since youre not eating’
‘but i want to’
‘ken-chan! you need to save up for college!’
‘no its fine im pay-’
‘here ya go, dear. free of charge’
you both stopped at the nice lady’s sentence
‘b-but’
‘no it’s okay. its cute to find a boy who’s willing to pay for his girl since that doesnt really happen nowadays. i hope you have a great rest of your date!’
‘it’s not a da-’
‘thank you, maam’
shirabu takes the box and leads you out of there
you smirk and poke his tummy
‘you want to go on a date with me, ken-chan~?’
he turns red and looks away
‘no. it wouldve taken longer to fully explain the situation so just go along with it to make it faster’
you giggled
‘hm sounds fake but okay’
you both continue to walk around the market and even buy a few things like a mini buddha statue or a pair of cat ears for both of you
with everything you bought, shirabu payed with it all
you were pouting as you walked and he noticed so he nudged you with his elbow
‘oi, what’s wrong?’
you crossed your arms
‘hm.. i dont like that ken-chan is buying and spending money for me on things that symbolize our fun. i want to give ken-chan something to remember this day too!’
shirabu grows flustered but hes really confused
youve always been a thoughtful person who tries to be independent but unconsciously ends up depending on others like him
but your thoughts of wanting to do something in return for him just sounds like heaven right now
lmao what a simp
he looks around for a place that could have something that sparked his interest but nothing caught his eye
until he caught a photo booth by the corner
‘oi, n/n-chan, let’s go there’
you followed his finger and you gasped
‘thats perfect, ken-chan! let’s go!’
you drag him to the booth and you giddily enter the coins for the machine to start
but he was starting to think this wasnt a good idea
he was in a cramp space with you pressed against him
but youve always been glomped to his side since yall were kids so what was the difference now?
bc you catching feelings, fool!
‘ken-chan! its starting!’
he finally snaps out of his flustered state and he raises a peace sign with a smile
with all the pictures, there were funny pictures of you and him,
well mainly you
but he was happy to have them w you
‘ken-chan, you know i love you, but when will you fix your hair?’
he glared at you
‘i like it so its staying that way’
you giggled at his attitude
‘okay, ken-chan. at least it would make you stand out in the crowd so i dont have to look for you!’
you hugged his waist and he froze up, suddenly feeling awkward with this familiar position
its okay, shes naturally like this so calm down
dontcrydontcrydontcrydontcry
after your hang out, he didnt even bother going back to studying
he just laid on his bed, looking at the strip of pictures with a fond smile
he was happy that you only showed that true, bright, happy grin to him
it was only for him
and he only showed his to you
bc you were you and you were the greatest thing, next to his parents, that he has in his life
omg that thought
he freezes and the picture falls on his face at that realization
omg, does he like you?
youre a great friend and his best friend and he wants to be your friend forever
but then, he realizes
youd separate one day and youd have a boyfriend and get married and have a family without him
no, he wasnt going to let that happen
he didnt like that thought
and thus, began his crush for you
and you were the same thing too but you noticed it later than him
oof, when this one girl confessed to him at the back of the school, you cried to him when yall got home
‘when ken-chan has a girlfriend, he wont hang out with me anymore! hes not going to be my friend anymore!’
it took some reassurance from him and more from your mom, when you got home, to realize that you liked your best friend
and thus began the skinny love stage
the whole volley team knew of your pining and tbh, they thought yall were dating but you were just like, nah, we friends
if anyone were to look at you, they would think the same thing
but ofc, yall are insecure hormonal teenagers who think that the other doesnt like them and if they confess, they would be rejected and that would ruin their friendship and they would not be friends anymore and they dont think they could handle that so its better to keep the feelings hidden and remain friends bc if theyre happy, theyre happy
oml my entire love life
this continued on until the last year of middle school
bc not only do you suddenly stop being friends, you became rivals
so as volleyball manager, you helped the team with whatever they needed in return of them doing their absolute best and winning the game
the last game of the year, you were slightly confused at the way shirabu was playing bc it wasnt the normal way he sets
before, his sets were so good that he could give it to any player and they would spike perfectly
but now, it was so different due to the simple, almost lazy, and very high tosses
the team was slightly irritated bc they couldnt keep up with the high tosses so they couldnt hit it
in between the sets, during break, you pulled him aside as you wiped off his sweat
‘ken-chan, youre not setting properly to the others. theyre getting angry because it doesnt allow them to spike right.’
he glares at you, with almost manic eyes
‘its their fault for not being able to jump high enough. in order to get a point, the ace must get a high toss to aim a quick spike’
‘but theyre not able to jump that high, ken-chan!’
you whispered, worried that he was going too intense and they would lose the game
all the hard-work the others put in, all to waste
‘i dont care. i must start early and change early so ushijima could hit my sets in the future’
‘but they’re not ushijima, kenjiro!’
you whisper-yelled
‘right now, theres no ushijima, no oikawa, its just you and the team. your team’
he was shook that you used his first name and the way you were actually telling him off
youve never been like that before
but he was blinded by his goal in the future
‘why is he our ace if he couldnt even hit tosses meant for an ace?’
‘because hes not the ace you’re hoping him to be!’
‘kenjiro, listen to me, these boys have worked their asses off for years to even come close to playing against seijoh or shiratorizawa. im going to do everything i can to make that happen and im not going to let them lose just bc you are too busy focusing on the future rather than the present’
with the way he looked at you, you really thought he would listen to you and play the way his team needs him to play
but no, he played the way he thought ushijima needed him to play
in the end, due to the foreign and unfamiliar tosses, they were unable to hit as much points causing them to lose
you could never forget the looks on your fellow classmates, who were also going to graduate this year, as they watched the ball that shirabu tossed, hit the floor right next to them
to say you were pissed was an understatement
you were F U R I O U S ™
you held the hands of the first years as they were devastated at their first loss
but you caught the eye of your ‘friend’ and he was biting his lip in irritation and anger
as your team was walking to their locker room to get changed, you pulled shirabu aside
‘what the hell’
he stared at you
‘we lost. we lost bc they couldnt keep up’
‘kenjiro! are you not listening to yourself?! you lost because you couldnt accept the fact that your teammates arent ushijima wakatoshi! you couldnt accept the fact that they’re not tall enough! strong enough! ace-like enough! and for what?! for the future?! the future where you’re going to set for someone like ushijima?!’
‘i vowed to set for a player like him, y/n! i want to toss a ball to someone as powerful and as talented as him! thats a promise i intend to keep’
you were dumbfounded 
he was acting on his own reasons and selfish intent, even costing them a game, for his preparation in the future
‘i cannot believe you right now. i didnt know you were so selfish, shirabu. of all the years i knew you, you were never like this. so what changed?’
at the almost betrayed look on your face hurt him bc weren’t you always there to help him? to support him? wasnt that the reason you became a manager in the first place? 
‘you dont understand, y/n. i need to change the way i play now because it will greatly benefit me in the future’
honestly, you didnt even know why you were so angry about this
sure, it was volleyball and it was just a game
you had high school to win it again
but maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t being the shirabu you knew
the ken-chan you grew up with and harbored feelings for for years
he was turning to someone that worked not for himself, but for some guy he has never even spoken to
you blinked away the tears and looked off the side, away from his face
‘right. the future. yanno, if youre already like this, i dread to think about how you would act once you get that goal of yours. but i know one thing. im not going to be there to see it happen’
god that last sentence
he felt a piece of his world crumble bc were you saying goodbye? were you leaving him?
‘i cant see you torture yourself into changing into a new person, kenjiro. so good luck finding someone who can’
‘oh yea? well, i dont need you! i’ll be perfectly fine on my own and find someone better than you! youre easily replacable!’
that was a big booboo love
that fight costed him more than a decade of friendship and a few years of love
despite living so closely together, you refused to even acknowledge him and when your parents got together, you’d find some way to be out ofthe house or you’d lock yourself in your room
he tried many times to get to you and even cried to you, begging to not leave him
but you willed strong and you left him alone
omg she handled this so bad and i cant w puberting teenagers
eventually, he got tired of chasing you and was now angry at you for picking a team of people youve only met for a few years over him who’s been there for you since you were 5
he was betrayed, cold, and sad
however,
without each other to be there, you both studied even harder and eventually, you were both able to get into shiratorizawa
initially, you wanted nothing to do w that school since you knew kenjiro was going to be in it and that bastard ushijima wakatoshi was too
um,,, babygurl ushi did nothing to you
but your mother really wanted you to go to a nice school since she wanted you to go to a nice college
since yall werent friends anymore, he didnt know you wouldn’t be in shiratorizawa
so imagine his surprise when he saw you entering his class with the girls uniform on and a completely new hairstyle and hair color and were you wearing makeup?!
lmao she acting like they broke up
anyways, all he knows, is that boys were already looking at you and vying for attention and dear god, he didnt know how to handle that
for the first month of school, youd think you would just be ignoring each other like you did back in middle school
but nope!
somehow, yall were now talking again!
except it was a mean type of talking
you see, shirabu studied as much as he breathed and you were just a naturally smart sister who didnt study as much
but you still were able to make it to the top and currently, you were the 1st in your entire class
‘ara ara? 1st again? better luck next time, shirabu-kun~’
he glared at you from his seat as you passed by with a smug grin
this fueding is giving me vertigo
‘shut up. at least some of us work for our grades’
that was so weak lmao
but you turned around to blink your eyelashes, slightly mocking him
‘eh? are you saying that i’m naturally gifted? yanno, shirabu-kun, naturally gifted people are much better than those who have to work for it. you play with ushijima-senpai, right? so you’d know the difference between you two.’
bringing up ushijima always pained him but he kept repeating it to himself that he was doing it so that he could go to nationals
sensing his silence as defeat, you waved your hand and went back to conversing w your other friends
this continued on again for a while and he was already sick and tired of it
not only was it beginning to get annoying, it was beginning to hurt
he cornered you at your locker
aaaaa kabedon!!!!!!!
‘listen to me and listen well, y/n’
yessir im listening
‘whatever the hell youre doing, cut it out. youre not going to rile me up anymore and im not going to give you the reactions you want. i dont understand why youre doing this to me but you need to stop before i make you’
ohgodyessir
ngl, that tone of his voice was the lowest youve heard and it made you so red bc that was just hot
but you gulped before grinning wolfishly, hand pressed against his chest and the other snaking around his neck
you pulled him down to your level so you could lean close to his ear
‘now you listen to me and listen well, ken-chan, youre not my best friend anymore so you can no longer tell me what to do, kay?’
shirabu was just flustered at the close proximity between your lips and his ears that he completely missed your warning
he only snapped out of it when you walked away, heading towards your next class
you sat in class that day, wondering how to tease him more
clearly, just words wouldnt make him irritated
gurl why you doing this
and you were stumped until you saw a red-haired looking guy accompanied by a gray-haired looking guy coming up to you
ofc you recognized them from the volley team since you’ve,,,,,,maybe seen a few practices
you thought theyd just pass by but they stopped in front of you and you looked up w wide eyes
‘can,,,, i help you?’
‘wow shes cute!’
the red head shouted and you shrunk under the gazes of these tall men
‘sorry about him. im semi eita, second year’
you shook his hand and you introduced yourself before soon finding out this other guy was tendo satori
‘so what do you need me for?’
‘you see, we’re kinda in need of a manager. and i think its better to have a manager who is close to a player in the team. i apologize to say this but i saw you and shirabu-san by the lockers the other day and i think its best to have his girlfriend as our manager’
‘g-girlfriend?!’
you shrieked, shocked that they thought you were
at this mention, you got a flashback from the festival and you soon turned bright red at the label of you being kenjiro’s girlfriend
‘and youre so cute y/n-chan! i can see what our darling kouhai sees in you!’
‘no, you got it all wrong its-’
then you stopped
omg this was the perfect opportunity
no gurl stop jesus take the wheel
shirabu would hate it if you were a manager bc that would give you more room to tease him
holy
then you smiled
‘i accept, senpais. i want to see my baby in action after all’
they were ecstatic since it was a hassle to find a manager who wasnt infatuated w ushijima
you exchanged contacts and soon, you were brought to meet the team
oh boy when kenjiro saw you at the door, he dropped the ball on his head
what in the hell were you doing here
‘guys, this is our new manager!’
you peeked out from tendo and waved at them
‘hello, my name is l/n y/n, first year. and im glad to be your manager’
noticing shirabu’s shocked form, tendo and semi shared a look and interpreted as, hes so happy that his senpais chose his girlfriend for him so now he could show off and play better and that could hopefully turn his attitude to be more grateful and respectful rather than this dismissive and disrespectful behavior
but shirabu was dying inside
oh god, youre totally going to tease him during practice and hes not going to be at his best and hes not going to be able to prove himself to ushijima
‘oi! shirabu-kun! come be grateful to your senpais for letting your darling girlfriend as our manager!’
‘hey baby!’
omg, what
again, you have a loud and expressive personality so you were kinda shameless so you just ran up and hugged him
aaaaa this is so embarassing wth
‘didnt you miss me? oh, youre so cute!’
god, he knows youre only here to spite him
right on point, good sir
ugh you were practically teasing him as the manager and you were having so much fun making him all flustered
but he was also spiteful 
sometimes, he would stick his foot out whenever youd run towards a player and hed laugh at you embarassing yourself in front of them
youd return the favor by accidentally throwing his water bottle at his face
‘oh, gomen, ken-chan’
the entire time, the team was baffled to see the usual stoic and dismissive shirabu so freely laughing and actually teasing you
they think its just for good fun and not the aim of hurting each other since yall are dating and youre just flirting
combined w being academic rivals and now rivals during the team, you both were unintentionally becoming close again
the brutality was slowly simmering to a low heat
and turn the over on at 350 degrees
now, it was just to make each other flustered
the crush that you thought was gone, was slowly digging itself out like the zombies in plants vs zombies
and my god you were annoyed
from now on, you were nothing but rivals and a parasite on his side
him feeling the same
dating would cause too much and the hurtful words would eventually come back up and you concluded that you were just too different
you didnt conclude shit
one time, the team was walking from practice to a nearby convenience store to pick up food
ofc you were picking out a billion foods and you just shoved them all to his arms
‘my darling boyfriend would pay for it because he loves me. ya know what they say, make his pockets hurt’
he glared at you 
‘as far as i remember, i wasnt dating a pig’
ngl, that hurt a little bc hes calling you a fattie
but he still went up to pay for it and you intentionally bumped him with your hips to annoy him but it caused him to drop his wallet to fall
and out came his money and that picture
the picture from nearly 3 years ago
you bent down to pick it up before he could even move 
god, yall were so happy and young back then
it was awkward silent since you didnt give it back and yall walked out of the store and the team was sensing the weird vibe around you two
‘oi, what happened? its so tense!’
‘did you fight?’
‘did you get caught making out by the aisles?’
‘ong shut up, kai!’
yall kai is a third year senpai that i completely made up since we dont get insight on the senpais before ushijima
but the team noticed the weird aura around you two and decided to walk away to give yall some space
‘can-will you hand it over now?’
shirabu mumbled
you nodded and pushed it in his hands
‘why,,,, why do you still have it?’
‘you gave it to me. of course id still have it’
you were silent before coughing
‘can we talk?’
‘its about time we do’
yall walked away from the team towards your home but were taking weird turns and corners to prolong the walk
you looked up to see him and you laughed
‘this is ridiculous. its not fair’
‘what are you talking about?’
he whispered
‘i was so angry at you for saying that you dont need me and that you could easily find someone better because i knew that and i didnt like it. but i was so hurt that it came from your mouth. out of everyone, i would rather die than hear you say that to me. i think thats why ive been like this. i dont know, im being stupid. i was being stupid.’
he stopped walking and clenched his fist while glaring at the ground
‘you told me you were going to leave me. you were telling me that you wouldnt be friends with me anymore. i had to choose between you or volleyball and i wasnt at the right state of mind at that time so i chose incorrectly’
you noticed him not beside you anymore so you went behind him to rest your forehead on his back so he would see you since he preferred to be honest while not looking at you
‘ken-chan, we messed up big time, didnt we?’
his body shook as he laughed
‘i guess we did’
‘it was only over a game. i was so mean and dramatic and ive called you names and said bad stuff about you and im sorry’
‘im not innocent either. i said those words to you and im sorry’
despite slightly making up now, you both knew those feelings would have to wait because you were only getting each other back
‘can we start over, ken-chan?’
‘you want to?’
‘yes’
‘then we will’
omg the whiplash this is giving me
so yall are finally becoming friends and your families are relieved yall made up again bc wowza those dinners were torturous
‘now that they made up, we can go back to planning their wedding’
‘MOM NO!’
slowly but surely, everything has been going steady and your friendship was getting better
but you didnt admit to the club about everything bc again, shirabu was like, ‘i dont feel like explaining everything’
you both still kept a rivalry but it was friendly this time with cute wagers like treat me to milk bread or banana milk
tOOrU oIKaWA’s fAvoRiTE fOod iS MiLK bREaD
he came over often and studied w you and yall would end up actually just watching a movie or watching brain games, unconsciously cuddled up on the couch
however,
this new closeness was doing damage to your heart bc you were again reminded of how much you liked this boy
initially, you thought it would just go away and never be seen again but it said
sIKe biH!
every time you saw him, youd unconsciously sweep away a stray hair and fix it to his weird crooked style
but whenever you do that, shirabu would get a close view of your face and omg you were freaking beautiful
and thats saying something from a guy who saw you through your awkward phase
hes unconsciously touching you more and showing more affection, even more than when yall were young
just being w you was emotionally exhausting as he holds himself back from doing drastic things but he was over it
he was done with all the years of pining for you so finally found the balls to do something about it
you were over at his place to study for exams and he was coming back up with juice
you were slumped over your calculus textbook with your hair in a bun and glasses on wearing his clothes
god theyre practically dating already
‘ken-chan, come help me with this’
he nods and goes to sit behind you
with his tall height, he was able to look over your shoulder and place his chin on it and tbh, you were so frustrated w the problem you didnt care about the closeness
‘you misplaced a decimal so everything got all wrong’
he mumbled
you gasped and made a noise of agreement before changing your answer
he didnt move though, instead wrapping his arms around yourwaist
‘oi, n/n’
‘hm’
this is a familiar scene
‘wanna go to the market tomorrow?’
at the mention of the market you stopped and leaned back
oh god your heart leapt at the feeling of his chest behind you but you composed quickly
‘should we?’
you turned to gauge his reaction at your closeness but he gently smiled
‘yea’
‘okay’
you havent been back to the market together since that day and it was so nostalgic as you both did the things you did back then
from the takoyaki to the stalls
it was so fun
but your heart was beating so fast
his smiling face and thoroughly enjoyed face was doing palpations in your heart
you looked away to stop staring at him and found the photo booth
‘look, ken-chan! the photo booth!’
he chuckled at the thought
‘should we go get another one?’
‘yes! come on!’
you quickly inserted the money and shirabu had flashbacks
but this time it was going to be different
‘okay lets start!’
the first picture, it was a peace sign
the second one was a wacky one
but the next one, was different
‘oi y/n’
‘what?’
the shutter went off just in time of him kissing you
the bright light caused you to close your eyes and you soon forgot what was happening
all you knew you were kissing ken-chan
your best friend
turned enemy
turned friend again
and now,,, were you lovers?
this rollercoaster is quite loopy
he pulled away and rested his forehead against yours
‘im sorry if-’
‘no balls, do it again’
and this time you lunged back for another
and again, this time, not only did you give him another photo, but you also gave him your heart
la fin.
yall what did i just write
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lemonietrinket · 4 years ago
Text
nct/wayv masterlist
number of works: 48+
begun: 20/08/2019 last updated: 11/12/2020
key
request ✤ musical ♫ halloween/spooky ☾ christmas ❅ oddball ♧ idol birthday present ✧
᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃
drabbles
Not the Reason ||| Taeil x Reader ✧ ||| fluff, mild angst ~ taeil finally admits something small, and maybe its a step towards the biggest confession of them all
Arms ||| Johnny x Reader just fluff ~ sleepy cuddling with johnny
Pro Gamer ||| Taeyong x Reader ✧ ||| fluff lol ~ playing animal crossing with your boyfriend, and hes not having a lot of luck
00:13 ||| Taeyong x Reader timestamp ||| angst mostly, fluff ~ late at night you hit a depressive spiral after feeling very ignored by your friends
Yuta x Insecure!Reader angst, reassurance fluff ~ because of your insecurities with your body, you make sure youre never as physically close to your boyfriend as much as you want to be. yuta wants to fix that ~ warnings: body insecurities (kept vague, but focusing around chest and stomach), general feelings of upset, tears, swearing (1x f**k)
Epilogue ||| Kun & Reader smutty undertones, lil fluff ~ prequel to ‘Candy Baby’, involves a soft, embarrassed and ultimately curious kun, and an accidentally nosey reader
Peace ||| Kun x Reader big fluff ~ waking up with kun is great—but you know what is also good? falling right back asleep again
Victory ||| Ten x Reader fluff, humour ~ sad ten wants cuddles and mean reader wont give him any
Merigold ||| Jaehyun x Reader angst with tiny fluff ~ when buying flowers for your date, you end up falling in love—with the wrong guy
Safe Haven ||| Mark x Reader big fluff ~ while waiting for your boyfriend to come home, you sit curled up on the sofa, stuck on the edge of sleep
Catgroove - Parov Stelar ||| Hendery x Reader ♫ ||| humour ~ pranking hendery with a classic
Pair ||| Jaemin x Reader ✤ ||| solid fluff ~ you wait for your boyfriend to come home so you can spring a surprise
reactions
How NCT would comfort you after a bad day fluff, bit of angst, some curse words ~ kind of just what it says on the tin
How NCT 127 would react to accidentally hurting you fluff, some tiny spicier elements, but they’re so mild, attempts at humour, tiny bits of angst in some? ~ scenarios in this are only very small things, and are mostly he members being clumsy/forgetting to be a bit careful in normal everyday situations—no one gets really hurt!
How NCT Dream would react to you getting the hiccups pure fluff, humour
Small Displays of Affection in Domestic Life with Dream pure fluff and bad humour 
oneshots/imagines
Stay ||| Taeil x Reader fluff ~ boredom strikes you in your tired state, leading you to think back on the night before
Dreams Come True ||| Johnny x MakeupArtist!Reader ✤ ||| fluff, small angst if you squint, some more inferred heated elements ~ johnny is kind to all the members of staff, and so you believe that he thinks no differently of you
Kestrel ||| Johnny x Reader ♧ ||| wistful angst, fluff ~ youre on the cusp on a huge change in your life, but a part of you cant let go, and youre not sure how youre supposed to
Lie to Me ||| Johnny x Reader subverted angst, fluff, smutty undertones ~ you and johnny dont agree on everything. and this time neither of you are great at backing down
Save A Nation ||| Johnny x Reader ❅ ||| humour, lil fluff ~ unistudent!johnny knows how hot he is. oh he knows. he also knows that a certain someone has had a crush on him for a very long time. and he also knows youre not confident enough to address it. but this is the catch for you, you see: because he is
Candy Baby ||| Yuta x Reader ❅ ||| lil fluff, humour, lil smutty undertones ~ you and your boyfriend are shopping at a special lingerie store. though not for the reasons that anyone may first expect…
Entranced ||| Yuta x Reader fluff, lil smutty undertones ~ waking up in yutas arms in the morning, bc who doesnt want that
Mishap ||| Yuta x Reader humour, lil fluff? ~ yuta is not known for his woodwork skills. he is also not particularly known for any common sense that would also come with it. however, good things can be made of the worst scenarios, and yuta is not completely inept—no matter what winwin tries to assert.
Cosiest Place on Earth ||| Kun x Reader big fluff, some humour ~ where Kun is relaxing in peace, and a certain someone decides its a prime time to ‘annoy’ him 
Home ||| Kun x Reader ❅ ||| big fluff ~ just cuddling with your long-time boyfriend after a busy day with the rest of wayv
Snow Drift ||| Kun x Reader ❅ ||| fluff, humour ~ going sledding with your boyfriend, what can possibly go wrong?
A Good Reason to Break the Law ||| Doyoung x Reader humour, fluff ~ doyoung does love you. and you wouldnt really call yourself a rule-breaker. yet you always find a way to worry him—which isnt particularly difficult, if you were honest
Baby Baby ||| Doyoung x Reader ♧ ||| fluff ~ a long day out leaves both you and bf!doyoung exhausted, and though its nowhere near over yet, you at least you have each other
Dinosaur ||| Doyoung x Reader fluff, humour, heated elements ~ doyoung was worried to meet your family, but he needn’t have been
Definitions ||| Doyoung x Reader ❅ ||| fluff ~ you’re studying with doyoung after returning home for christmas
Fail-Safe ||| Ten x Reader ❅ ||| big fluff ~ cuddling late at night with your slightly clumsy boyfriend
Aster ||| Jaehyun x Reader ✤ ||| fluff, mildly heated elements ~ just some calm, soft times in bed with a very shirtless jaehyun
Ladder ||| Lucas x Reader ❅ ||| humour, fluff ~ you love your bf lucas, you really do. but sometimes, his chaotic tendencies led him into all kinds of trouble. and you never, ever laugh at him. totally. not even when he puts himself in a compromising position. not even once.
Spirit ||| Xiaojun x Reader ✤ ||| fluff, little bit of sad ~ bed cuddles with your boyfriend after a hard day
Look Down ||| Mark x Reader angst, bits of fluff ~ mark invites you to a pretty bridge at sunset to finally confess to you
Ready ||| Mark x Reader ✧ ||| fluff ~ first time hand-holding with a shy, slightly awkward bean
Beautiful Like the Moon ||| Jeno x Reader ✧ ||| fluff ~ moongazing with your boyfriend to celebrate the end of his birthday
Strength ||| Jeno x Reader fluff ~ even with a cold you cant be stopped, and jeno loves you all the more for it
Sun vs Sun ||| Haechan x Reader humour, fluff ~ playful times out camping with hyuck and the others. but mainly hyuck.
Lung Crusher ||| Johnny x Reader x Haechan ✤ ||| fluff, humour ~ after a long day, you and johnny are peacefully dozing on the sofa. you expected the two of you would be left alone, but youd be wrong
Loved ||| WayV x Reader ✤ ||| big sad, big fluff, big humour ~ everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes, no matter how strong they are. and so when you come home from an awful day in the outside world, you are blessed to have several people come and pick you up again, setting you back on your feet ~ long fic ~ - NOTE: this is the old version of a new multiparter fic seen below, named Love. This version, Loved, will not be edited or updated but will be kept up for the slightly different series of events that it follows in comparison to its new version.
multi-parters
The Code ||| Doyoung x Barista!Reader slight angst, some fluff, mostly a mystery ~ doyoung has a thing for a barista at the best cafe in town, and after finding out the boss there is super strict, he counts his chances out. however, a bizarre set of events lead to an opening for someone clever enough to take it, and luckily his heart has chosen well. Part One ~ where doyoung remembers a special moment and confesses much to his own regret Part Two - coming soon ~ where doyoung begins to find strange numbers on his averley recyclable cups
King and Lionheart ||| King!Jungwoo x RoyalKnight!Reader ♧ ||| angst, fluff ~ inspired by the song of the same name, jungwoo is your king who you serve with your life, and you are his beloved knight in shining armour Part One ~ where you flee with nothing but the clothes on your backs and one another Part Two - coming soon ~ where you fight
Love ||| WayV x Reader ✤ ||| reader big sad, lots of fluff, quite a bit of yearning & foreshadowed drama Main Story ~ everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes, no matter how strong they are. and so when you come home from an awful day in the outside world, you are blessed to have several people come and pick you up again, setting you back on your feet. though, not everything is as a clear cut as you perhaps once thought ~ long fic ~ - slow updates - Ending One - Kun - coming soon . Ending Two - Ten - coming soon . Ending Three - Sicheng - coming soon . Ending Four - Lucas Extra Special fluff, soft angst ~ ft jungwoo & reader; you and xuxi have an impromptu slumber party where your feelings are finally admitted to one another with the accidentally prompting on jungwoo’s behalf . Ending Five - Xiaojun Jigsaw Puzzle fluff, bit of humour ~ after finding the hedgehog’s plastic bowl broken, you and xiaojun head to the pet store to buy a new one . Ending Six - Hendery - coming soon . Ending Seven - Yangyang - coming soon
Camping ||| NCT 127 & WayV x Reader fluff, some spicier elements sometimes ||| choose-your-own-story Start - in progress: 9,575 words collectively so far - - slow updates - ~ where you go camping with nct 127 & wayv, and end up in the most boring tent after dark during a small storm
extra
Vibe Checking NCT ~ don’t ask just read
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blurryface-bitch · 4 years ago
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alright let's try not ignoring how I'm feeling for once.
how do I feel?
kind of empty. sad. a little hopeless.
normally this is where I would try and ignore it or distract myself, but that actually makes things worse in the long run I've noticed, so let's talk abt why I feel this way.
idk man. everything is just so overwhelming. I know people always say "things are going to get better" and "this too shall pass--" all things that indicate that my emotional state and current situation wont always be like this, but holy shit dude. it's been like this for years. I honestly dont remember a time in my life where things WEREN'T mostly bad. and I feel angry bc I want to just push that fact onto how others never took care of me emotionally, and to a certain degree physically either (I remember when I was 17 mother had been cooking a little more frequently- by which I mean, at all and more than just a one off thing, and I was so glad she was bc I was so tired most of the time I couldnt find the energy to eat anything, and when I told her that I was grateful she just glared at me and said "you're making it sound like I neglect yall or something." ofc I scrambled to correct her- I was trying to elicit a positive response after all, so she would be encouraged to, y'know, feed us, but I mean, i really wish she had thought more abt it and maybe had some self-awareness.)
anyway. I feel angry abt how no one took care of me ever, but more than that, at this point, I'm angry at myself for being angry abt that bc why cant I be over it? yeah, ppl treated me like shit and neglected me, but now its MY responsibility to take care of me, not anyone else's. why cant I do that right??
and SURE I can hear a caretaker probably, try to reassure me that it makes perfect sense that I would struggle to take care of myself after no one else taught me how to, but we dont have that kind of time! we dont get to work out our emotional state and resolve our internal problems! not now!
why not now?
well, ONE, I dont actually know how but I'm pretty sure if I started, I wouldnt be able to stop, and TWO, theres no time. theres nothing stable abt our life rn. I need to find a job, somehow get a phone with service and learn to drive so i can get a job and maybe go to college someday.
I'm upset that I dont get to work out these emotions and I'm upset that we had dreams that may not come to life.
so those are my feelings.
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semiconducting · 4 years ago
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just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !
im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 
i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.
and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.
and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery
and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...
and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.
and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.
so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.
i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.
it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.
over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.
but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 
and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 
n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.
and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.
we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.
it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 
he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 
but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 
for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.
but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.
i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 
its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.
and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.
and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 
it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.
but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL
it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.
and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.
and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.
but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.
and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.
and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.
its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.
and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.
but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.
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tfw-no-tennis · 5 years ago
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hhhhhhxh
more abt hxh bc my last post was too long n i had to split it off holla
so i left off talking abt when gon woke up....i love how polite gon is to pretty much everyone - hes such a good lad all the time. s/o to his aunt for raising him right (tho i think hes also just a rlly good boy inherently too)
also is he named gon bc ging was like ha ha im boutta be GONe lol seeya kid!!!! like ????
i find it interesting that kurapika and hisoka fought....we really havent seen them interact at all yet. also hisoka is so smirk-y i hate that bitch...what did he say to kurapika?????? 
this poor red shirt old guy lmao hisoka is SO clearly uninterested in fighting him and then he fucking dies. rip mdude
what did hisoka whisper to HIM??? guess we’ll never know #RIPLegend
oh mannnn if killua had just won against pokkle then he wouldnt have had to deal with illumi doing That to him :( my smug son......
leorio is such a good dude....also its so funny to me how tall and lanky leorio is, espec compared to the other 3 main characters lmaoooo
or maybe those 3 are just rlly short??? i mean gon and killua are literally 12, but whats kurapikas excuse
GODDDD I HATE THIS BIIIIITCH. FUCK OFFFFFFF tho the evil piano music slaps. but jeeeeesus illumi is so creepy and awful, and seeing him take off his disguise is not any better a second time...he and hisoka truly deserve each other wrow
does illumi have hair powers??? cause it kinda looks like it. or maybe hes just gay and dramatic 
ok but the sick electric guitar riff (?) that played when illumis face was revealed was lowkey kinda hilarious
man i was so wrong abt killua knowing that that was illumi :( poor kid
killua is immediately freaking out and meanwhile illumi looks bored as hell. dude ur the worst 
killua: [freaking out] illumi, completely blank-faced: hey 
I HATE HIMMMM even tho his catman design is regrettably kinda cute
why do illumi and hisoka both have such snatched waists i hate this
wtf so killua has another different brother??? i assumed he attacked illumi....how many fuckgin zoldyk sibling are there?????
leorio ur too normie for this conversation lmao. also wow fucked up family huh
killua looks so like...small and helpless, which is so at odds from what we’ve seen of him so far :( this poor kid
illumi totally has some weird brain powers man callin it now 
gon: wow killuas family sounds wack...  satotz: oh lmao you havent even heard the rest 
KILLUA ;_; 
this poor baby assassin :( :( :(
IMMM INCONSOLABLE. HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS W/GON.......ARE YOU KIDDING....AUGHHHHHHHH
meanwhile gon decided he and killua are BEST FRIENDS like 10 mins after they met. GOD 
like in the recap ep he called killua his best friend ;_; and meanwhile killua doesnt even think they ARE friends god destroy me 
this calming classical music is throwing me off vbhjfjhbsdkgndks
i sense that leorio and kurapika are rapidly acquiring a new son
DAMN THIS IS SO FUUUUCKEDDDDD illumi is such a crusty bitch wow. leave killua alone asshole 
all that stuff abt killua like, only thinking he wants to befriend gon but really wanting to kill him....that sure sounds like some ‘worst fears’ type of shit for someone like killua....illumi is such a classic abuser wow
i have 2 know is satotz like, repeating this entire conversation verbatim in a calming monotone to gon rn. like....
LEORIOOOOO I LOVE UUUUUUUU AUGHHHH him telling killua it doesnt matter if illumi is his brother, fuck that guy, beat him up as usual and leave.....ooooughhhh leorio is such a good dude ;_; 
and the OF COURSE him saying the obvious - that gon and killua are ALREADY friends....i love this, i feel like leorio said all the exact things the audience is thinking...yet it still didnt get thru to killua bc hes so rattled by illumi appearing, and the abuse in general 
i think if gon were there things wouldve gone much differently 
of COURSE crusty bitch illumi is like oh ok now i have to kill gon.....biiiiitch i hate uuuuu 
also that just shows that hes lying to killua (which we already knew obvs), bc if it were inevitable that killua would kill gon to like, test himself or w/e, then why not just wait for that to happen? that would have a much bigger impact on killua than illumi killing gon....its obvious that illumi is just manipulating him, but killua is too BSOD to be able to tell (also, hes 12)
ok bitch illumi is preaching abt not needing friends but he and hisoka are definitely fucking and theyve been teamed up for the entire hunter exam it seems.....what a hypocrite. hate this guy
god im so glad we didnt rlly get to see whatever the fuck illumi did to that random hunter examiner guy’s face. jeeeeesus. also i cant tell but i wonder if him forcing that info out of the guy was the result of his freaky mind powers or if the guy was just like oof ouch pins in me face
LEORIO AND KURAPIKAAAA THE PROTECT GON SQUAD!! and joined by new member hanzo!!! who ironically beat gon up for 3 hours str8 like, a very short amount of time ago lmao. but still i love that sm
illumi u dumb bitch.....tho i dont buy for a minute that he didnt already realize that killing gon would disqualify him...he defs just wanted to get under killuas skin even more :^( 
KILLUAAAA ;_; when he goes to step back from illumi but illumi tells him not to....ughhh HATE this guy, leave this poor kid alone. no wonder he wanted to leave
illumi saying theres only 1 way that killua can stop him - does he mean by killing him, or something more specific, like some forbidden zoldyk murder technique? 
‘your beloved gon’ wow gay. theyre 12 and theyre dating ok. killua is literally that kid whos like wow i wonder if gon likes me...and meanwhile gon is like wow cant believe me and killua have been dating for 3 months now
leorio saying ‘we wont let him kill you or gon’ ;_; leorio ily sm...thats like the exact right thing to say - hes offering protection and reassurance as an adult figure...unfortunately killua is clearly too freaked out to even process anything outside of illumis gaslighting and abuse 
also illumi is defs doing something to killua w/his eyes via his freaky mind powers. js
illumi i hate you stop being weirdly cute. augh 
classic abuse tactics, being like ha ha nvm i wasnt gonna kill gon! jk!
killua just shutting down completely after that :( :( noooo
and then he kills that old guy and leaves, ‘proving’ that illumi is right....noooooOOOO
and now we boutta see gon go FULL shounen protag for the first time, oh FUCKKKKKK yesssss
this is the first time we’ve seen gon angry oooh man and of COURSE its on killuas behalf,....im so fuckign emo already looooord
god ok the episode preview where its gon saying ‘do leorio and i look alike?’ YES U DO LOL youre father and son so jot that down 
oof, gon and illumi have such fundamentally different POVs on like, family and life and morals, and you can tell by their 4-line exchange before gon does the ICONIC one-handed grab’n’fling
AUGHHHH gon saying hes gonna rescue killua....SO good...he recognizes that killuas family is wack as hell and killua shouldnt be w/them - the classic ingrained ‘found family is more important than blood family’ stuff
tho thats an interesting contrast to gon himself, whos looking for his deadbeat dad
‘but it wasnt his choice’ that so good ily gon BEST boy, hes so perceptive and good......he knows that killuas hand was forced and that he needs to be RESCUED (love that word choice) from his shitty abusive family
of course kurapika and leorio voiced complaints ;_; best parents 
kurapika should be a lawyer tbh 
leorioooo ;_; such a good dude, saying he should be disqualified instead 
HOW is leorio a stronger combatant than that old dude hvbajufjbsja that guy had some moves it seemed, and leorio has,....a knife? a briefcase? the classic premed attitude of ‘fuck it, i could die anytime, lets do this’? like.....cmon vhabjdfjbhsf i refuse to believe this man is of any use in a fight. ill believe it when i see it
pokkle pls ur not plot-important enough to be jumping into this convo rn
tho i am curious abt what hisoka said to kurapika. tho i agree that thats irrelevant to the discussion 
gon repeating satotz’s wisdom :’) and saying that killua will definitely pass if he takes the exam again...ough
gon is SO GOOD i cant get over it !!!!!!!!! AUGHHHH....recusing killua from his abusive family and making it so killua never has to see them again is like...so good. what a good good perfect boy.
also thats like, the perfect response to this. killing illumi would just start a ton of drama, and killua would be conflicted abt that....but removing killua from his situation is perfect 
ok ive ranted a lot ill talk abt the rest later woohoo
PREDICTIONS: 
i predict that hisoka will show up in this upcoming zoldyk arc somewhere bc illumis gonna be in it (i assume) and theyre dating. also hisoka is a central character so itd make sense for him to show up in the second major arc. tho tbh this could end up being completely false and i wouldnt be that shocked lmao
i think leorio is gonna get Big Sad someday bc hes like, so normal compared to the other MCs, and also hes suuuuch a bleeding heart (i love him....) so i feel like thats gonna lead to some sadness for him once his friends start doing crazy shit or w/e 
also i predict that if he gets nen itll be like healing nen or st. does that even exist??? idk jack shit abt nen lmao 
i think that illumi has hypnosis powers or something, even just based on design alone. it could defs be for aesthetic (character design in hxh is wild), but his eyes look noticeably different from any other characters. also he was doing some freaky shit to killua. also i held this prediction before seeing the part where this is brought up so we’ll see if its right lmao 
as for this upcoming arc -  ruth and i are wondering if itll be similar to the vinsmoke drama in one piece - character goes back to abusive family, squad goes to rescue them...and then character refuses to be recused. w/sanji it was partially bc the vinsmokes threatened to kill zeff, his TRUE dad, but i predict in this case it could be more like the zoldyks saying ‘look killua these 3 weirdos showed up looking for you, convince them to leave or we’ll kill them’ and killua will be like, oh shit bc like.....think abt it. the vinsmokes targeted zeff (and not the strawhats) bc they knew they could easily kill him. same goes here, i assume - a family of trained assassins vs Good Good Fishing Rod Smell-Power Boy (who hasnt thrown a single punch yet), Lanky Dr Man With A Switchblade We Havent Seen Him Use Onscreen, and Mx 2 Wooden Sticks, Bloodlust, and Arachnophobia - 3 For 1 Deal! its a no-contest. so thats one thing i could see happening, potentially 
im way too tired to remember my other predictions rip lmao
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fuckyeahasexual · 6 years ago
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Is asexuality really a white supremacist's dream?
Before we start, let me specify that im a brown,south asian asexual who lives in a country which has an approx 200 year old history of colonization by white supremacists.So what im saying is based on my personal experience and knowlege.
Over the last few months ive been dealing with men both white and non white trying to convince me to have sex with them by telling me that its wrong for me,a woc, to identify as asexual bc”Its what those white supremacists want”.Im seeing an onslaught of people(mostly WHITE people) talking about how asexuality among POC is something which is desired by white supremacists.Ive heard both the logics that “Women of color have had and are PUNISHED and demonized by whites for being sexual so them being asexual is liked by them” and “Women of color arent raised to be sexual so white supremacists want them to keep being non sexual instead of accepting and expressing their sexuality so they introduced to concept of asexuality to them” and literally both of those statements have been contradicted by each other.you know why??
Because white supremacy has NOTHING to do with asexuality.People of color are demonized for being BOTH SEXUAL AND NOT SEXUAL if their sexuality,or lack of ,isnt catering to those white peoples fetishes and fantasies about POC
Poc are sexualized and fetishized by the virtue of their existence by white people.Even when they are not being sexual,they are sexualized.Their entire worth is based on sexually catering to white people.People of color are categorized as hypersexual or non sexual by white people according to how they want to fetishize them. We have black women being seen as “Hoes” and having their bodies reduced to “big lips big ass big tits” and black men being seen as hypersexual beasts whose genitals are being obsessed over by racist white women who hate black people but date black men bc they consider sex with black men as “kinky"and want to procreate with them for the mixed babies. We literally have internet trends of fetishizing latina women with "Dam latinas are so hot latinas stay winning 😋😋😋” for doing LITERALLY ANYTHING. 
On the other hand, We have brown women being constantly seen as “exotic mysterious sirens” and being constantly told that they are “oppressed"for covering their bodies and should just abandon their hijabs and body covers and wear bikinis to be "truly free of their shackles” according to both white feminists and racist and Islamophobic white men who fetishize brown women..Theres literally an entire SUBCULTURE here of fetishizing asian women AND sexualizing asian teen girls and their uniforms and fetishizing their “pureness and submissiveness”.
When poc express their sexualities,and are sexual they are demonized too.White supremacists have historically painted woc as inherently sexual and “seductresses” to get away with raping and harassing them with the excuse of “she made me lose control and brought out that side in me” as well as implying that they secretly wanted it bc they were always“dirty "and sexual. Even now white women are still seen are "purer” than woc and in cases of white men harassing woc,they are often able to get away with it with bullshit excuses.
WOC identifying as asexual isnt gonna do make any difference for white supremacists bc identifying as asexual is supposed to be an act of woc taking control of their own bodily autonomy and sexuality and white supremacy is all about ignoring WOCs bodily autonomy and sexuality.
They are either gonna keep seeing woc either as inherently sexual and using that myth to sexually abusing them or are gonna see woc as non sexual and thinking that it is something to be “fixed”.If there was a choice between making and wanting woc to be ace so that they can get sick pleasure from violating our bodies ;OR making woc look INHERENTLY sexual and seductive and not feel any guilt when they violate their bodies since woc werent pure in the first place, I assure you theyd choose the latter.
So in conclusion,being asexual for me and many other woc is not “complying with white supremacists” .We do it for ourselves bc it makes us feel comfortable in our skins.I wasnt introduced to asexuality by the hands of some white person ,but by myself bc i felt that i wasnt normal and was broken because i didnt found people around me hot or sexy like other girls did.If i hadnt discovered asexuality id either be thinking that i was broken and abnormal or would believe the misogynistic assumption that women arent supposed to feel sexual attraction and would force myself into sexual situations which would traumatize me
Me n many other WOC’s experience with asexuality is much different than white ace women’s.Many of us find asexuality as a way to reclaim our sexualities from white supremacists hands by telling them that we dont fit into what they want us to be and our sexuality and bodies arent meant for catering to them.It is a way for us to reassure ourselves that we arent either the hyper sexual beasts who will fuck anything or the pure submissive things who need to be told and shown sexuality by white saviors.We know what sexual attraction is and what it means to be sexual and yet we dont experience sexual attraction to ANYONE and theres nothing wrong with that.
Asexuality is something which makes me feel better and i wont let ANYONE make me feel guilty for IDing with asexual ,weather its a white person “concerned "about poc or a person of color who thinks they have the right to speak over other poc bc of their personal experiences
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dsmposting · 2 years ago
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im posting the au b4 i watch any of the lore streems bc Jesus christ iwill NOT be normal. i bet
uuuhh so here is the,summary of it (also only going to b referring to c!dsmp members from here on)
it starts w tubbo acting kinda suspicious and purposefully avoiding talking abt or addressing his feelings (also literally anything about ranboo or michael. i hc that eret n phil usually step in n watch him 4 tubbo) as he walks around the smp kinda aimlessly until he sees tommy and they finally start talking again! and tommys been rlly worried abt tubbo bc they dont see each other as much n tubbo makes a rlly brief comment like "that wont be a problem for very long anyway" and toms assumes its just bc theyre reconnecting n plan on talking more often, but smthn about the way he says it feels wrong. he shrugs it off though
a couple days pass and tommy wakes up to find a note in his chest from tubbo!! and he says he has smthn rlly important and exciting to show him!! so toms takes a while to get ready and at some point stops bc he hears a huge fucking unnatural explosion sound waayyy off in the distance and he's like "oh thats bad. oh fuck wtf" and runs to the spot tubbo told him to meet up at to make sure tubbos okay and then . freezes in fear
bc the community house is blown up Again, but way worse than ever before. shit is on fire, the hole in the ground is way too steep and theres these weird snowy particles stuck in the air that make him feel funny when he touches them. the worst part is that tubbo is standing on a cobblestone tower in the middle of the crater and smiling at him like nothing happened.
tommy stares at him and asks why he looks so happy before tubs notices him and practically starts glowing w/ excitement. "oh my god hi!!! i didnt think youd show up already!! do u like what ive done w the place?? :D" and tommy just starts fucking shaking like "tubbo what did you do. why are you doing this" b4 tubbo does this big monologue abt how he finally finished developing a new weapon All on his Own and that now it could just be him and tommy again, but with no dream or sapnap or literally anyone else to get in the way this time!! and how he's so excited because now everything will make sense again and he doesn't have to think about things that ruin his psyche anymore and they never have to be apart again. at some point during the monologue tubbo starts staring at the sky, so tommy takes the opportunity to start tearing down the cobblestone tower while his best friend is distracted and forcibly interrupts his monologue to just fucking sit there and hug him. tubbo cries, probably for the first time in nearly a year, and tom tells him that he doesn't need to do all this crazy shit to keep them from splitting apart. hes still freaked the fuck out by everything that happened though and tubbo tells him that even if they repair the community house completely there will still be radiation in the area around it for, yknow, possible decades.
tommy realizes they could get caught for this and decides on the spot that the two of them are leaving. when tubbo asks what he means by that he starts spitballing a plan to say goodbye to phil and eret and everybody they still give a shit about and then run from the smp. tubbo takes a lot of convincing but eventually realizes it'd be safer for michael that way, and agrees to move away with him. tommy makes a point to say "if fuckin wilbur can do it, so can we." tubbo asks if they're just taking his orders out of habit again, and tommy reassures him that the decision they're making is their own because if he would never move to Fucking Utah; tubbo adds that he'd probably punch him in the dick if he ever saw him again anyway and tommy nearly cries laughing
they take Maybe a week doing what toms calls a "moving out speedrun" in which they start saying goodbye to the ppl they care about and this is p much where my idea ends. still have no idea how id tackle the ranboo situation at all but fuck it theres real lore now ig
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lady-ika · 3 years ago
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idk im still trying to be positive and keep my chin up but like. it’s so hard to and idk it like is starting to hurt because like. idk everything feels like. wrong. like i did something wrong and now i’m waiting for something to go right. like i keep doing things wrong. i shouldnt have quit the job at the pharmacy and whenever i try to reassure myself that its ok all i can think of is no its not!! im broke and i cant pay for things and now i have to rely on my parents and im such a burden to my friends and i feel terrible! i feel. terrible i think.
idk i feel! like such a failure. i need to find a job but everything doesn’t feel. even remotely tolerable. ik i just need to toughen up and do it but. idk i cant! i feel like i had the rug pulled out from under me but i also feel like i did it to myself?? idk i. i jjust want to feel ok. also i keep feeling so?? needy lately??? i want attention. but if it’s the just wrong sort of attention (meaning the kind i dont want) i get annoyed or upset. the kind that i want isn’t possible for me rn?? ik im doing bad rn but i do not see it. 
i wish i was ok. i wish i didnt want to .. idk anything. i wish i was a normal fucking person. i wish i felt like i could tlak to people but i dont bc i dont want to bug people and i dont want to bother anyone bc everyone is having horrible issues too im not special
idk i just. i dont know. i dont want to be alive pt 27 and i dont want to die and i want attention but i dont want to bother anyone and i wish i had a therapist and i wish i had money and i wish so much. 
plus like the dog takes so much energy out of me and i feel bad that at this point i like. dont like him. i keep trying to convince myself i do but i feel so tired and jaded and idk! i feel like a horrible person bc how do you not like a puppy? idk. i just. wish i had a life. i wish i had anything. i feel like i dont have anything of my own and my life is dedicated to just. being a body. just a name in a book. but i want to have something good happen to me some miracle or something to make me feel like i have??? some sort of control or be the main character or i dont know! i want to feel important! i do and it’s fucked up bc no matter what i try to do i always get cast aside and it hurts! i want to be. someone. someone special and important and loved by a lot of people
i always feel like im something special and im supposed to do something important but i dont fucking know what it could posssibly be nor do i know what im supposed to do and i dont know why ive deluded myself and other people into thinking im anyone bc im not  and any time anyone tells me differently it feels like theyre lying to me even when i know theyre not but it feels like theyre lying and pity me or there’s something they need or theyre saying it bc they know or think i need to hear it but they dont mean it and dont really care its just to end the convo 
idk i just want something to happen to me bc the only thing thats happened to me is catching covid and somehow. while i know people cared it also felt like no one did bc my family just didnt care. bc we all caught it and my fucking mom wont even admit she was sick at this point. and shes the one who gave it to us! im at a point where i partially wish something really bad would happen to me so i actually could tell that people would care but that’s fucking manipulative and selfish and awful and its dumber because i dont want to die! i just want to be special just once! i want to feel special and beloved and just feel. ok. and have a reason to feel as terrible as i do
i feel like i cant like. talk to anyone bc i dont want to bother anyone. bc my issues are ultimately unimportant and nonissues. ik its bc its winter that i feel like this but i still feel like this. 
why am i so useless i dont know what i can do i just want something. anything. something good. plus all that bullshit keeps popping up in my mind and i keep remembering things and i keep feeling terrible and awful and i just feel like everything is my fault and i dont know how to deal. i wish i hurt enough to sh or something bc the hurt keeps building up and i dont know how to deal with it. im not gonna lie this year was probably one of the worst years of my life and i wish literally. either i felt something anything other than just horrible pit of nothing and hurt and hopelessness  and ive been holding it in for so long and i was hoping i could just.  do something. good or bad idgaf anymore. ik the reason im even there is just for attention bc i crave something but none of the attention im getting feels good and it just makes me feel worse but theres the tiniest bit of serotonin so i end up staying i can feel myself shuffling through things to find something that gives me any semblance of feeling ok or good but none of it is sticking 
i keep thinking about changing my name again like itll help but it wont bc im still the same miserable piece of shit  just with a new name sticker and i dont know what even to bc all of them feel. wrong and i care sm about what other people think when i shouldnt bc its my goddamn name but i still care so much bc i just. want to look good or cool or just feel. special ig. 
every day is the same and i cant change anything bc i feel like im waiting around for permission to do something and i cant get it and i feel like i cant do it until i get permission but i dont need to and i know it but i can fucking cant do it! i cant get a job until i get permission i cant date until i get permission i cant start exercising until i get permission i cant drive i cant do fucking anything until i get permission  but idfk who i need permission from to get my stupid ass brain to let me do anything 
everything feels so wrong and i cant break out of it and everything is always the same and i feel like im just waiting for something to happen but it wont i’ll just die waiting and if that’s the case i’d rather just die now but i also dont want to die bc yknow. fear of death or whatever.
i s2g whenever i feel like im about to reach out or ask for help or do take help it fucking blows up in my face and/or shit goes worse for other people so i just. don’t. whenever i decide to accept help shit goes bad and im fucking sick of it. but im so tired of doing things by myself and i just want.  a break? just a lucky break. or just a point in time where i can just completely lose my shit without worrying about eveyr one else. 
i wish i could get the help or attention or fucking whatever it is my brain wants in the Correct Way so my brain would shut the fuck up 
genuinely i dontknow what to do anymore i wasnt supposed to be alive this long and now that im out of quarantine i feel like even more of a mistake bc like i get to survive covid cool but like. why. i dont have anything going for me and people would miss me for like a week and then get over it
i wish so bad i either had the balls to just get up and get moving or just stop everything bc like. im sure i could figure out where my dad keeps his super unsecured bullshit and it would be easy but im too much of a pussy and too self important and idk! i want everything to end but i dont at the same time bc im a stupid bitch! besides im sure my parents would find some way to slander me even though theyrd ultimately be happier when im dead and gone 
everyone would probably be a little better off i think even if they tell themselves they wouldnt or tell me so idk i just wish i could. do literally anything. i want to just. feel something. alli feel lately is angry and upset and sad and nothing good i wish i was pretty or determined or driven or literally anything to get me anywhere in life i cant even properly starve myself i just binge and im so sick of being this fucking sack of shit  i just want all of me out of me i want everything to just go away and i know i blame everything on everything else when it’s all my dumb ass’s fault
i feel like such a melodramatic teenager i dont feel like my age at all i feel like im stuck at 14 and i wish i could just feel. normal. 
anyway manifestiing an early grave or some deus ex machina to get me out of this bullshit <3 currently wanting to rip out my own veins <3 
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shytiff · 3 years ago
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June Small Wins
1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.
2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.
3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything
4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable
5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish
6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins. 
7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd
8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.
9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)
10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients. 
11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down
12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed
13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha
14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏
15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics
16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.
17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces
18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo  
19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am
20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy
21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning. 
22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again
23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.
24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)
25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and  summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers. 
26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review
27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.
28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.
29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg
30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦‍♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward
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scarlethaki-archived · 8 years ago
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[ I’m writing this to explain my side of the story since I’ve been painted as some heartless witch that can’t stand people making ooc/silly posts or even like I’m trying to turn people against others.  The only reason I’m making this post is because I’ve been vagueposted about and blocked on my other account, so my follow-up message to reach out and discuss things had never been responded to. I honestly don’t give a shit about the blocked part. What has made me the most frustrated is that they are ignoring the main point of this issue that has now ended up involving one of my friends too. We are NOT upset about the ooc posts or how you run your blog, it’s how you’ve gone and painted us as villains and you as the innocent victim in all of this. This is not to say that we are the victims in this situation either, because I for one prefer not to act like one.
Here is a screen cap of the message I sent. The hate-filled attack that started this all:
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“Hey! I just wanted to pop in and tell you beforehand that the reason I unfollowed you on this blog and on scarlethaki is because I was uncomfortable with the amount of ooc posts that ended up taking over my dashboard. I just want to reassure you that it’s nothing against you as a person, and I’m still okay with interactions if you want to. :)”
That was the message I sent. Please tell me if that was uncivil in any way. Everyone has their preferences, and when your blog is 90% ooc that floods my dashboard, that’s my personal choice to draw the line there. I don’t mind ooc or crack posts at all-- I do them a lot too, but it was the amount in even just a single hour, and this in undeniable to anyone who knows this blog. You can post as much ooc as you want, but some people just don’t want their roleplay dash to be flooded with ooc conversations, shitposting, and pictures of girls in bikini and underwear. It’s even stated in the rules pages of all my accounts-- I may unfollow if the amount of unrelated ooc exceeds my preferences. Perhaps it would have been more tolerable to me if an ooc tag was used, but this person did not use that either (at the time).
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They have every right to post as much ooc content they want, and I have every right to unfollow them if it gets too much for me. The only reason I messaged them first is because I didn’t want them to find out I unfollowed them later on their own and feel even worse/more awkward about it.
These were some of the responses on that person’s blog.
#DO U EVER LIKE GET ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHEN THINGS JUST SEEM TO GO WRONG EVERYWHERE SOMEHOW #... #IDK MAN #ITS LIKE EVERY SMOL THING OF BAD THAT HAPPENS YOU GET LIKE #.... #OKAY THEN FUCK IT #TBD. #JUST #PLS GET THIS THING ON YOUR HEAD GUYS IF PEEPS DONT WANT YOU THEN ITS THEIR LOSS #TBH #TBH DONT SET UP UR EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH #ALSO DO KNOW THAT IF YOU HAVE THAT HOUR WHER EYOU'RE LIKE HAVING FUN OOC AND REBLOG/POST TOO MUCH SHITPOST I WILL NOT UNFOLLOW YOU FOR THAT. #I DO THOSE SMTMS BUT AS YOU CAN PROBS SEE WHILE SCROLLING I DELETE IT LATER ON #LIKE... #OKAY THEN. #NO ITS FINE RLLY #IM JUST. #AT LEAST TELL ME BEFORE I SEND IN THINGS TO YOUR ASKBOX BCS SOMEHOW THAT S HUMILIATING? #I MEAN. #OKAY THEN. JUST. #IM NOT NORMALLY THIS MEAN BUT WHEN I FEEL LIKE DIS I HONESTL DONT LOOK BACK AND CONSIDER BLOCKING PEEPS BCS #IM ALREADY INSECURE AND HAVE LOTS OF TRUST ISSUES FROM MY BULLYING YEARS AND NARC ABUSE EXERCISED IN MY TOXIC HOUSEHOLD #I DONT THINK I NEED MORE SHIT TBH. #I KNOW PROBS IM OVERREACTING AND THAT IF YOU APOLOGIZE FOR IT AND ALL SHOULD BE FINE BUT. #..... #HONESTLY. #ITS NOT. #EXCUSE ME IF ITS TOO MUCH OOC FOR YOU THEN. #BUT TBH EVERYONE HAS THOSE TIMES WHERE CRACK IS IN THE BLOG OR SHITPOST ENSUES #BUT DID YOU EVEN SEE THE TAGS SAYING TBD - TO BE DELETED?
#BUT TBH.... YOU MIGHT NOTE THAT EVEN IF THERE ARE CANNON CHARAS BLOGS AROUND ...I WILL NOT FOLLOW THEM ALL #THE REASON IS NOT ALWAYS THE WRITING OR PORTRAYAL BUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED #LIKE I RECEIVED HATE BEFORE FOR JUST SAYING SOMETHING A SHIPPER DID NOT LIKE #I DID NOT LIKE CROSS BOUNDARIES OR HATE ON THEM AOR ANYTHING IMERELY SAID THAT THERE WAS THIS TROPE THAT WAS LIKE BEING OVERUSED OR SMTH #AND YEAH #BUT YEAH THIS IS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS WHY I DO MAINS CALLS BCS OF THESE SITUATIONS. #TBD.
H**** pls *raises hands* (anditsokayimajudokaicankickpeoplesassesnowrries!!) its fine rlly. thats their loss tbh. its just that it was a bit humiliating bcs the person sent me a mssg about how they werent folowing me anymore bcs of the ooc posts and i had just sent in a ic ask too - posts which later on get deleted anyways tho i do keep the content in a private paste or smth saved in case there’s something i need from it like the post about inviting u guys to gow tih me next year but—\ rlly i dont want drama !! they did apologize it just does still hurt bcs u know i just had sent in a interaction ic, but….its fine . it wont do any good causing chaos over this rlly. ^^’
yeah i totally share the opinion! which is why i think that this is a hobby and we’re humans not machines so ofc we’ll have those times where shitpost just happens and like when u guys this week calmed me down bcs i was having a nervous breakdown due to the late events …like this is our safe space so. but tbh im just not to have drama bcs i already have so much shit to deal on my dramatic life tbh ya feel? i dont want  like to be the one starting some kind of chaos here in the fandom bcs i totally know i will not get along with everyone thats scientifically impossible. i can tell u in private who it is if u want to know anyways but do promise me that you wont go to their inbox or anything for my sake. i honestly dont want to start drama or cause things.
Those were ALL in reaction to that single message I sent. As admittedly pissed off as I was, I decided to let it go. Strangely enough, despite the fact that I said I ran scarlethaki, this user has continued to follow me on here even though I unfollowed weeks ago. They also still follow my other blogs which I’ve mentioned I’ve run before, so I really don’t know what the thinking is here. But I didn’t block you and I never will, because I’m leaving the option of coming to me to discuss things open to you. I’ve tried approaching you once and that clearly didn’t work so the ball’s in your court now. Shutting your ears to someone never fixes a problem, it just gives you a sense of blissful ignorance to the real situation at hand.
The thing that frustrated me to no end was the amount of hypocrisy and victim-playing going on.
I sent you a private, friendly message. Instead of responding, you blocked me and then go off on your blog. Your messages were very clearly directed at me. So why couldn’t you just speak to me face to face? Is it because you wanted the sympathy of the public?
You say you don’t want drama... and yet you make several ranty posts to the public to see? How will this not incite drama? “I don’t want drama.” “It won’t do good causing chaos over this.” Are you not seeing what you’re doing? 
“I won’t get along with everyone” Please tell me WHERE in my original post I was ever hateful to you or said I didn’t like you. You’re making things up in your head.
“I can tell you in private who it is if u want to know anyways but do promise me that you wont go to their inbox or anything for me sake. I honestly don’t want to start drama or cause things.” So the people that are being slandered have to just sit quietly while you go off about them, even when you say that you’ll tell anyone that asks you about it? You may not have actually told anyone in private, but at this point I’ll be distrustful of everything you say due to the victim-playing and manipulation of the public going on here.
I won’t add too much about this next part since @jurakyuru​ has already defended their personal case, but since it’s tied into the original issue involving me, I will summarize it because I’m at my wits end.
This user had sent my friend a message asking them why they unfollowed and if it was a tumblr glitch. Funny enough, this is the exact situation I had wanted to avoid putting her in when I sent her that first message. I didn’t want her to feel awkward or embarrassed asking about such a thing and she blocked me for it, yet just a couple weeks later she does it-- and gets very upset when my friend civilly states why they unfollowed. So you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t I guess.
There was a very very long response written to my friend which is not in my right to share, but I can at least comment on the public posts that had been made. Foolishly I did not screencap the actual things in the heat of my frustration, but I had copy and pasted them into a conversation with a friend.
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Let me tell you one thing: I never told anyone to unfollow you, nor tell them what to say to you. My friend showed me the message they sent to you and they themselves made it clear they unfollowed of their own accord. But keep going on thinking I’m telling people to unfollow you.
Also funny how you say the door’s open and to get out, but when we did that you got severely upset.
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We did unfollow you. You went into rants.
You’ve been reasonable? Really? As soon as either of us said something not sugarcoated you blocked us.
I would go through your blog, but you deleted everything. I mean, I had copy and pasted pretty much everything, but if I hadn’t then your claim of evidence would have been meaningless.
No you didn’t send us harmful message directly, but you went on public rants and even offered to tell people our names if they just asked you.
I won’t go on about this for much longer. You said you wanted people to see both sides of the story and here they are: my message vs. your reactions. A quote I’ve always stood by is, “You’re not responsible for people’s reaction to you, just the words you say.” This is why I still feel no guilt for the message I sent you. I know what I said was reasonable and civil. I am not responsible or at fault for the way you decided to react to it. 
And now we’re here.
As I said before, I haven’t blocked you and I won’t. Despite everything, I still don’t hate you as a person. I am just very frustrated and disappointed at the reaction over the past two weeks, and now I’m a little bit worried as well because I don’t know who you spread your lies to or when. I did not want things to come to this because callout posts are generally looked down upon, but this is the best way for me to lay everything clear. All the screencaps and what both sides have done. I never conspired against you-- in fact I was still kind to you on my Whitebeard blog until I unfollowed you there as well after yesterday’s shitstorm.
In the end I really don’t think you’re a bad person. I don’t think you’re evil or a villain, but I do think how you have been behaving has been hurtful and irresponsible. I’m sorry to be posting this publicly, but I need to make sure that if you said anything about me in private, the truth is clear. ]
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