pumpkincalnee

[pumpkincalnee]

my first open mic

I finally grit my teeth and read one of my poems aloud! It was an open mic of sorts, but as we are deep in the throes of quarantine, the event was online, hosted by the nonprofit, You’re Going to Die. Yes, even my poetry events are related to death.

In this case, the organization does awesome work, bringing the conversation of death into many diverse communities. They have musicians that go to perform for those in hospice, and they have a prison project where the volunteers go and have conversations with those incarcerated about mortality to inspire life.

The poem I read, I concocted the night before the open mic. I had a bunch of other death-related poems, as you can imagine, but I decided to scrap them all and start a new one. The result was a hugely long piece that basically was an amalgam of all my anxieties around society and culture and death, from our ambiguous entry into life from nothingness, to our return to that space after death. 

It was meant to be a memento mori poem that spanned what I titled the evolution of mortality (change, denial, grief, death, then change and denial again), and these lines I wrote basically encompass the general feeling:

A stark reminder that, the passage of time

no matter what our age or security,

still fells the rational redwoods of our minds.

Despite our beliefs growing straight and true

it was no more than a forest of inadvertent deniability.

I had a lot of fun being part of this event though it’s definitely a different experience because you know you aren’t going in for all happy feels and status quo thoughts. It’s a space meant to be uncomfortable, and may make you upset, cry, etc... but the point is these are shared experiences. We spend much of our lives harboring these strong emotions but rarely sharing them for fear of upsetting others... so this space is a weird reprieve from that restricted norm.

Most of what I touched on in the poem, I had been working over in my head for a few months. The idea of death denial is pretty big in death doula work, though in that role/profession, the goal is not to change anyone’s mind, but to hold space and be present for whatever emotions and ideas are coming up in the client. We aren’t there to push any ideology or death goals, but just to be there for the client. That being said, in my own self-reflection I’ve been trying to understand what qualifies as denial, and what is just innate to being human. Ernest Becker has a book dedicated to this called Denial of Death, and the summation I made from it is that you can’t escape thinking about mortality because our bodies are constantly reminding us, so you have to find some way to be okay with the whole idea that we are going to die, but that’s impossible because our conscious makes us feel immortal. And so we have no choice but to always fall back to denying death in some way or another. Though I disagree with a lot of his fine print, I do think that general gist makes sense. 

Other parts of my poem were about the specific ways humans cultivate death denial, from spirituality to governance, and everything in between, how anything we use to live day to day not worrying about mortality (or things that are obvious reminders like living a live where you might need to think about how your food isn’t guaranteed) is a balm used to soothe denial’s itch.

Anyway, though I won’t post the poem here, as it’s much too long, it did make me realize I have what most people would say, a very dark attitude about humans, but in actuality I think thinking this way has made me appreciate life a lot more, and think much more deeply about what I want out of it, because I don’t take it for granted so much anymore.

[pumpkincalnee]

death chats, tarot, and nostalgia

I had a video chat this evening with some of my death doula classmates and guides, and at one point, we started talking about what we were grateful for today. I answered with, nostalgia. Today I also spent many, many hours learning more about tarot. With the ace of pentacles/coins, we have something most palpable: the whole realm of opportunity, wealth, food, jobs, physical things, and the prospect of getting it just securely within reach.

It made me think about how scary this time is for so many people from all walks of life, and how people are losing control of things they once believed to be resolute and available. It's ground shaking. We can't and will never be able to have full control of a situation, but what a stark reminder that is when we are presented with something as world-stopping as a pandemic. I think this is when nostalgia comes into play. At the root, I am starting to think it's just our mind's way of highlighting the nature of control. We reminisce on moments passed; on things already out of our reach. Like being nostalgic for times before COVID-19, before things felt so uncertain. But that's the rub, isn't it? We never could control the present either. We just assumed otherwise. As Alua Arthur would say, "when were times ever certain?" Isn't that just another pleasant rearranging of the past; another moment of nostalgia? A friend said a phrase that really resonated with me. He said that the experiences he went through (independent of covid) made him realize "what it's like to live with a palpable sense of mortality". I think that's what nostalgia can be. That bittersweet memory of recognizing control is not yours to keep and never was, and figuring out how to find gratitude in it nonetheless, so we can look back fondly. But then, how do we apply that palpability to our present, let alone gratitude?? I'm sure Stephen Jenksinson would respond with something like, treat each day you wake up as a gift.

[pumpkincalnee]

where my mind has gone during this COVID-19 pandemic

I’m learning a lot about myself as we start ramping up in intensity here in my area with precautions. I already tended to keep to myself long before the social distancing (such a vague and confusing term) and shutdowns were in place, and I am lucky that spending all day every day with my toddler is no change to my life (if you are at home with your toddler and need ideas, I am by no means any sort of expert but I’m happy to share the weird things we get up to day to day).

I realized early on that the end of the world probably won’t be some crazy catastrophe like in the Hollywood movies, but rather a culmination from misinformation where no one knows what’s going on and everything interprets things differently. So many people put out opinions all over the internet and media, which we state as universal truths, and everyone can read it and then decides who they believe. I’m not talking anything drastically polarizing issues either. For example, with social distancing (I really hate that term) should we literally stay inside all the time, or can people continue to go for walks around their neighborhoods, workout together outside, go on hikes and bike rides, etc so long as they eyeball keeping 6 feet between them? Because from what I’ve seen, people are out most of the time, and social distancing just means don’t get in anyone’s bubble. But is that enough to stop the rapid spread? (Also note, I don’t think COVID-19 will be the end of the world, but I think it is the biggest thing that has happened in my lifetime as nothing before has managed to shut down the entire world to such an extent).

Food allocations also presents a looming challenge in my mind, and not because I feel that I don’t have enough. I am blessed and don’t have to worry about scarcity, but in thinking about how a quarantine could go on for months, I realize that scarcities in food are more complex than we thought. It’s not just about how much food the average American wastes, or how many people are currently starving, though those were and are huge issues already before COVID-19. But should infectious diseases rampage our populations indefinitely, our way of getting food (grocery stores, shipped from online) would break down and most of us would be left without supplies quickly. Our general systems rely on others to provide food for us, and we don’t really have a backup plan (besides, it seems, aggressive hoarding) when suddenly those others can’t keep the supplies open. We have created large bodies of people that cannot maintain themselves, and I’m not just talking about in urban areas. We don’t know how to farm sustainably, we don’t know how to read the land and know where to find food, or what is edible versus toxic or what we can help grow, what we can preserve and store and how, etc. We are really removed from being able to handle food (well most of us… I know there are lots of small and large scale farmers and permaculturists and foragers who make their way just find without relying too much on external systems). We also don’t think sustainably… how are you going to keep growing your foods when you can’t go buy extra soil at the store? When there are no more instant fertilizing blends or pest killers, and when we don’t know how to plant things that will grow together and survive multiple years? Do we even know how to cook if you don’t have electricity, no stove to boil things, no oven to bake in, no microwave easily available, no manmade refrigeration? Do we have ways to store water for when our infrastructures fail?

And then that leads us to water. This one is even scarier of a thought because we rely completely on water treatment sites and facilities to provide us water (at least where I live). And without water you die much faster than without food. In Maryland, there are not many (if any) natural lakes; they are all manmade and human-maintained which means they aren’t able to keep themselves in an equilibrium that keeps water pollution in check. So can we drink that water? Probably not unless you are desperate (or maybe if you already keep camping filters handy?). So what to do? Most places don’t have well-water established for their homes, and even if they do, you have to worry about what else is getting in and not filtering through. We all know about the chemicals people are finding in water supplies and in fish- from Prozac to birth control, but we forget about other aspects like how close are you to a military base that had a history of dumping chemicals? Do you live near a cemetery that practices embalming (those body goos and embalming formulas have to go somewhere)? Near a highway and its runoff? We haven’t had to think about where we get our water or how contaminated it is if we don’t have a system that attempts to filter it very much in our modern lives and it’s times like this that make that lack of thought all the more concerning.

And let’s talk about reproductive health. Sure we can tell everyone who doesn’t already have a semi-permanent style of birth control (inserts, condoms or birth control pills before they run out, etc) to abstain, but seriously… the human species hasn’t survived because people abstained. If we should have an end of the world, chances are people will continue to have sex and then where does that leave us? Do we even know how to be pregnant and take care of ourselves when we can’t have any medical visits, no vitamins we can buy, no internet to research what’s normal, no community of mothers and wise women to draw from because we’ve all lost that independence and knowledge decades ago. It makes me realize again how important it is to be communal, and why people like birth and postpartum doulas are so important.

And speaking of doulas. What do we do if someone dies? Do we know how to handle a body if there is no infrastructure to take it in for us? When there is no crematory open, no embalmer waiting? Can we still physically dig a hole and know how deep (3 feet, not 6!) to put a body so that it does decompose but also so animals don’t get it? Do we even know how to take care of someone who is dying when we don’t have access to medical care? These may seem like dark thoughts, but most of my rumination was spawned from reading about different practices we followed within the last century. That is not that long ago yet we seem to have lost how to handle and survive anything at a more local level in that time period.

The structure of humans has been that as we grow and make civilizations, we have specializations develop and people take over certain roles. But our communities have also expanded exponentially and now it seems that most communities outsource most of their needs and cannot rely on themselves to survive. Like I live in a census-designated place (apparently really common in Maryland), where we don’t have a common place/town square/mayor’s office, etc. If, in an apocalyptic future, we needed to go to a place to barter and trade we’d have to go to the next town over. There are no real sources of any business in our CDP, and everyone who doesn’t have the ability to work remote or at home (or at the one elementary school in our community) must commute somewhere else. So should infrastructures in our neighboring towns shut down, along with the mail and delivery systems of Amazon, google, etc… what do we have left?

I know this sounds dark, but in actuality I think these reflections help show where we have shifted our priorities as a civilization, and the limitations they present. It makes me wonder what the result of this pandemic will be… will people will retreat more into their own communities and try to bolster their innate skills and learn how to cooperate once more? I fear it will just make people try to switch to remote work more, and try to buy more supplies to stockpile in case of the next pandemic.

As someone who is studying death, these kinds of thoughts also make me think about our choices and if they matter on a large scale human spectrum (because obviously it matters for individuals, communities, societies, etc). We know we are all going to die…. do we as a whole make attempts to shift how- like work to address how progress comes with limitations and how we need to balance long term results together all as a team, or do we just let things continue in the direction they are going and hope the outcome won’t be any of the directions I worry about? And if the former, how do we do that?

And on a slightly lighter ending note… I apparently talk about green burials so often that my daughter decided to give her grandma’s garden gnome one.

[pumpkincalnee]

weeds - friends to the soil

When thinking about how best to prepare any type of disaster, natural or otherwise, one of the first questions that always comes up (apparently after how much toilet paper do I need to stockpile), is where do we get our food? Say you’ve got a supply of some cans and non-perishables stored away… is there a way to ensure you will still have some noms if you aren’t at home, or your house is impacted, or you run out of edible supplies when disaster strikes?

Since I was young I have been in love with the idea of foraging and understanding ecosystems enough to know what different plants are telling us. I recently read The Hidden Life of Trees written by Peter Wohlleben, a German forester who started studying the trees in the forests he helped commodify. He figured out so many insights about how a forest is doing, what the natural age of trees and their progressions through life look like in various conditions, which ones play well with others and which ones bide their time until they can takeover. He addresses forest fires and moisture-loss, how and why trees grow weak and unstable when their root system is maimed (which is why you see so many felled trees have those huge horizontally spreading root systems!), and more. (Did you know most of the time moss is not a good indication of which way civilization is? It forms on the side of the tree where rainwater drips down, so only if civilization causes specific tree warping patterns would it really line up.) Anyway, it was a fascinating book that argued maybe we need to look at trees a bit more like how we see animals rather than just as firewood and lumber, and it gave logical reasons for why we shouldn’t clear old trees from forests. In general the book helped me start to think about different frameworks for how we can think about ecosystems, from forests to our local suburban landscapes.

It was after that book that I started back in on permaculture books, finishing up Paradise Lot by Eric Toensmeier and Jonathan Bates the other night. Though I have differing ideas on a few points, I’m pretty confident that I have found my people. I have been getting all manner of ideas and new knowledge that I am eager to try out in our backyard (and to some extent the front, depending on how much we can do without the HOA getting annoyed) from this book. With all these new plans swirling in my head, I started looking into how to be more self-reliant especially in a suburb. Most of the country lives in suburbs of some sort now and we tend to waste our resource spaces with grass and large houses, furthering dig ourselves into the mud should grocery stores shut down/online shopping go offline. And so began my quest on how to start to amend that trend, beginning with our own little family. In a future post I’ll talk about water conservation after I’ve learned more.

Since the weather has been warming, Figlet and I have been adventuring outside in our backyard often to figure out what’s already happening out there, sans human intervention. We have identified that we currently have a lot of ground ivy, hoary bittercress, wild onion or wild garlic (not sure which yet), and some specific scatterings of daffodils (Narcissus pseudonarcissus), mock/Indian strawberry, and wine raspberry, so I decided to start my permaculture/foraging research with those guys.

What I learned is that all but daffodils are edible, and also that the appearance of many of these plants in a yard can indicate signs about the state of the soil. I’ll go into each below.

Ground Ivy (Glechoma hederacea) These pretty little guys are popping up all around our yard mostly around the center bits of our yard, and around the above-ground tree roots. Apparently these guys show up and prevent soil erosion (which supports one of our theories that the hilly nature of our yard means that soil has been getting washed down the hill, exposing the tree roots, what with their horizontal growth, over time). Ground ivy is a cool plant because it was also historically used to brew beer, predating hops! Their presence might indicate that there is a high level of organic matter in the soil, which bodes well since I was hoping to make a sort of mandala of vegetables grow around their areas, in between the tree roots.

Purple Dead Nettle (Lamium purpureum) I never knew this plant existed (or never noticed it before) but this year I am seeing it everywhere (especially in this one parking lot under the evergreen bushes). I hear the leaves and flowers made into a tea (though too much can cause a laxative effect) and it can be a used as a poultice. They pop up in early spring and are great for pollinators.

Hairy/hoary Bittercress (Cardamine hirsuta) This guy has edible leaves and flowers, that I’ve read one can use similarly to other cresses (like watercress!). I’m still working on learning more about this little guy.

Wild Garlic (Allium vineale) or wild onion (Allium canadense) I’m not sure if we have crow garlic (Allium vineale) or wild onion (Allium canadense) but we’ll see when the flowers come up and/or when I get around to digging up some of the bulbs… (or if I just get better at identification). Either way they are the most prolific thing in our yard at the moment, and both are edible. There are also other edible types called Allium ursinum and Allium tricoccum… and basically the internet calls them all wild onion and wild garlic so this is where the scientific names (and photos) really help.

Wine Raspberry (Rubus Phoenicolasius) This guy is a non-native from Japan. It produces berries similar to raspberries, but apparently are so good, you’ll have to be on the ball to beat the birds to them. They also have intimidating looking spikes and are showing up all in our woods. Peter Wohlleben would probably point out how they are able to take over so easily because the woods don’t have their natural level of fall trees and other debris to kill off such invaders.

Mock/Indian Strawberry (Duchesnea/Potentilla Indica) I kept thinking these plants were wild strawberry… but the leaves were so weird, and the flowers were yellow. Google led me to Mock Strawberry. Apparently these berries are kind of bland, but the leaves can made into a potherb or they can be made into a poultice and used for eczema!!! HWAHHHH? HELLO FREE HOME REMEDY.

Common Blue Violet (Viola sororia) These guys are lovely. I don’t know why they are called blue since all our shades are a lovely violet, but oh well. I hear they are great for teas with their lovely flowers.

Garlic Mustard (Alliaria petiolata) The infamous invasive weed that everyone is always trying to pull out. It apparently can be harvested, using the roots like horseradish, sautéing the leaves, and tossing the flowers into salad.

Stonecrop (Sedum sarmentosum) This succulent looking plant is popping up all around the sunny side of our yard intermixed with the violets and the moss. I read that Koreans will

Moss Apparently this is a huge sign that our yard has areas that are acidic and soggy (the latter which isn’t surprising since a lot of our yard is in the shade and was buried under full leaves for years).

Other familiar faces of the suburbs Crabgrass (Digitaria sanguinalis)

This guy shows up in soil that is lacking nitrogen and calcium. It can also indicate that the soil is acidic, which might be good for some crops like blueberries, potatoes, and tomatoes, but won’t work if it too acidic. I’ll keep searching the yard to see if we have any and add a photo later if I should discover one.

Plantain (Plantago major)

Grows in compacted (heavy trampled) soil, that is often very claylike. Plantains are edible in their entirety (squeezing the juice out of them, or using the leaves) and have a rich history of being used for bladder and GI problems, skin problems, toothaches, you name it! Still looking for some in our yard, but so far I haven’t found any.

Dandelion (Taraxacum officinale)

The infamous yard weed of every traditional grass-growers nightmare. These guys show up in compacted soil, and their presence is actually a good thing because they grow long taproots that help pull nutrients from deep in the soil and help fertilize your yard. Also they are said to grow in places with low calcium but high potassium. Dandelions are also high in a bunch of nutrients and can be used to make tea, used instead of coffee grounds (baking the roots), and their leaves are edible as well for greens. I found this little guy on the side of the house… so many the foundation was made with potassium?? (I know literally nothing about housing materials).

Speedwell (Veronica hederifolia and Veronica filiformis)

I saw the purple version of this (V. hederifolia) flowering next to the sidewalk off the highway by where we live. I then found a different species of it with pink leaves (V. filiformis) in our backyard in one spot, so I might want to get some water-hogging, dirt-aerating plants for there as apparently these guys pop up where the soil has bad drainage and compaction.

My gardening direction As I learn more, I find myself so excited to experiment with the land we are renting. I’m like a mad scientist, that ignores rhyme and reason and formal frameworks of established scientific directions to be like “BUT HOW CAN I GROW THIS WARM SEASON CROP IN THE TAIL END OF WINTER RIGHT NEXT TO THIS INVASIVE NATIVE WEED?!” I realized my style of gardening is pretty aggressively minimalist (and insane/defying convention and years of human cultivation strategies). I want to learn how to garden without any enhancements… no added soil, no external mulch, no buying lime or sand… basically only growing with the land and current ecosystem I have, general gardening tools (a shovel, an aerating fork thing, a smaller trowel), sticks and logs for fences, recycled things from the house (I used egg cartons to start some seeds indoors on window sills but am now trying to grow without that method as well), kitchen scraps for compost, and then my one caveat is buying seeds. My thought is that it would be interesting to see how someone could take whatever land they have, whatever the conditions, and really work with what they have to see what they could produce. I can take it to the extreme and say I’m curious to see how can we grow and make food when Home Depot, Lowes, Tractor Supply Co, etc are barren and we have to just know how to grow with those packets of seeds we stored long ago and nothing else but the land we are near. I want to learn how to tend to the land that has been completely overhauled by humans… de-forested years ago, landscaped down to the weirdest of conditions, probably with big ole trees erratically sticking roots up aboveground, or patches of dry clay near housing foundations. I want to experiment to see how one can really work with the remaining surviving weedy nature and see if humans can live off, and tend to that kind of land. Stay tuned to more adventures as the seasons progress, if I am successful or fail miserably.

[pumpkincalnee]

on differences in maternal care

Fi and I visited my parents a few weeks back, and as a result she got her fill of dog exposure. Studies are still looking into the impact of early dog exposure (e.g. the first year of a baby's life) on the child's risk of asthma, allergies, and eczema later in life, and preliminary data seems to suggest that dogs have a positive effect in decreasing the risk of all three.

One study even found a higher correlation of eczema reduction for black children as opposed to white children from dog exposure, which could be useful as black people statistically have a higher risk for eczema (especially women).

These kinds of studies highlight the need for analysis of subgroups (e.g. race, gender, type of birth) to really understand who is being affected specifically. However, subgrouping is only useful so long as the studies are done through non-biased non-reductionist lenses. If accomplished, such specificity would allow for more applicable research to come out that could help promote better health, wellness, and medical decisions.

Which reminds me, I also listened to a webinar from the Black Mamas Matter Alliance. It covered a lot of material, but there was one particular point that stuck out to me (besides the need for a lot of policy reform across the country). It was the need for doulas, particularly those who live in the communities they serve (called community-based doulas).

Doulas act as support people for mothers, providing nonjudgmental (and non-medical) advice to moms from pregnancy to postpartum, making sure moms understand their rights and options. A doula from one's own community would invaluable as they would understand the dynamics behind the community, as well as having firsthand experience with how the medical/clinical facilities are.

The webinar also talked about the need for insurance coverage for doulas (especially under Medicare), so that more mothers can afford them. I couldn't agree more, especially as doulas correlate with better outcomes and statistics for the mothers overall.

The webinar is up on the BMMA site if you want to listen to it.

And lastly, I also read a book by a black midwife called Listen to Me Good, which was a book about a less well known figure in women's history named Margaret Charles Smith. She was a midwife in Alabama who worked from the 40s to the 80s.

She never thought she'd become a lay midwife, as the hours were terrible and the pay even worse, especially for a black woman in the south. She learned traditions of birth and postpartum care through her grandmother and other "wise women", and then later got standardized training through the nearest hospital, which allowed her to assist more women in a systemically recognized and medically approved fashion. She still continued to serve women as best she could without putting her neck on the line (she also helped deliver white women's babies, which was a contentious point at the time).

The book also reflects on the various struggles black women faced in trying to work as midwives in Alabama, first due to explicit racism, but in later years, also due to systemic racism and prejudice through the worlds of healthcare and medicine, as doctors sought to get rid of lay midwifery (and devalued nurse-midwifery too in some areas). Many women, like Miss Smith, continued to try to care for women regardless, as they were the only option for hundreds of miles, and because white doctors were generally not interested in making the trip to aid poor black women give birth.

It really puts into perspective that even today, black women in America are still three to four times more likely to die during childbirth (or the first week immediately after) than white women. Food for thought.

One thing that could help bridge this increasing gap is better sensitivity training and education for medical practitioners. I was curious about different traditional practices and beliefs around postpartum care which led me to some interesting studies. One such study covered a few Central American countries and their beliefs around both the perinatal and postpartum periods.

I do think it's important to know of the different roots behind postpartum treatments to help understand why a family may act/react the way they do to particular medical practices in western birth facilities (like hospitals). This is the way, in my opinion, to create a culture of care that uses a mom's background/culture along with the medical evidence based practice to put the best interests of moms first, rather than of healthcare premiums.

[pumpkincalnee]

biomechanics and women’s health

I haven't posted in a while because "times [but mostly things in my life] they are a-changing". What I mean by that is that I have a bunch of exciting things I'm trying to get involved with that are still centered around my various beloved themes, including:

community

women's health... and now, a throwback,

biomechanics!

Let me catch you up. Once upon a time I was a confused undergraduate trying to narrow down the vast world of supposed choices to figure out my next step post-college. I knew I had splashes of talent in various areas, but that I was also relatively unskilled overall in a whole larger host of things, making me not a great candidate for any job (at least that was the opinion I had of myself). I remember I came to a point where I narrowed the choice down to two respective options:

go to graduate school for biomechanics. Specifically comparative (non-human) biomechanics, but with the desire to see if I could follow in the footsteps of those inspiring people who learn from nature and then connect that learning to something in the human world (e.g. the tensile strength of sharks' skin as a model for bulletproof vests, or the boxfish's shape as a model for the most aerodynamically stable (and ugly) car), or

go to physical therapy school. Essentially PTs are the biomechanists of the medical world (so in this analogy an orthopedic surgeon would be more like a biomechanical engineer). This therapy path would allow me a more direct way to give back to the people and help others.

As you may know, I ultimately chose physical therapy, and then ended up leaving it about halfway through the program because the physical contact (manual therapy, measurements, etc) with patients was not conducive with my skin condition. This  ultimately made physical therapy less than an ideal career for me.

So then, the deluge. How am I full circling back to the idea of biomechanics (though not necessarily comparative this time)? Well, first I started working in the field of women's health a little over two years ago, which has since led me to undertaking the process for a prenatal and postnatal coaching certification (I actually just finished this past week and am officially a certified prenatal and postnatal coach!). I am also tying that field of knowledge to a few other movement-related initiatives, including the current co-creation of a course for single mothers of color (but I'll go into more on that when it's further along). I also am in the process of figuring out if I have the time to set up and lead stroller/carrier friendly walks in a local nature reservation.

While in the midst of these various endeavors, I also ended up finding Katy Bowman, a biomechanist and movement educator known for her Nutritious Movement company, which builds on her nature-based movement ideologies/passions. She believes in modifying our every day human environments (along with many movements we do) to better promote health and wellness, because movement-optimized environments require us to move better by their very nature. An example she gives is not having a couch in your home. This then requires you to do more squats (if you end up sitting on the floor, or chairs of lower heights), and forces you to move your hip, knee, and ankle joints in greater ranges of motion. The no-couch life also facilitates less sitting time by virtue of there not being any comfy furniture to sit upon, thus increasing your NEAT which helps your body even at the cellular level.

As I delved more into her material, I realized I had found someone that encompassed that overlap in my interests that I didn't know existed; she is not a practitioner of health or medicine therefore not subject to the insurance whims, nor is she just an academic  stuck talking only to other academics/writing scholarly papers while being removed from the direct societal implementation. Bowman also intersects nature with the manmade world, bridging the choice I was stuck between (loving the idea of physical rehabilitation and the like while having a passion for being involved in natural environments, but unsure of how to make either a thing). Even more excitingly, after some light searching I discovered she too has a masters (in health studies, while I'm health sciences, but close enough) so I know it's possible to straddle the academic world even in a health-esque field while not being a PhD or MD.

This is endlessly inspiring to me because now I'm starting to think it isn't impossible to focus on prenatal and postpartum women and work with them and their babies/ young children to create lifestyle changes and increase our movement, while doing it all in nature. Though I'm not fully sure of the direction I'm going to end up going to get it started, all in all, things are looking to be very promising in the near future.

I have also used Bowman as an entry into foot health (using her book Whole Body Barefoot), subsequently contemplating the health of my own feet on a more regular basis. Since I left the category of a nulliparous woman (a woman who has never given birth), I've been thinking about how my body alignment changed during pregnancy and how now I still often feel joint laxity and generally less in-tune with my body. This has resulted in me walking more duck-footed than I had previously. I am testing out her suggestions to improve my foot (and global postural) health presently, but honestly ,uch of her program is just good practice for regaining balance and better alignment generally (like doing calf stretches and one leg standing balance exercises). I'm already noticing that I am more able to abduct my pinky toes further since starting. My personal goal is to retrain my feet to be able to wear minimalist shoes (or shoes that alter the natural foot mechanics the least). This includes working my way to comfortably wearing shoes with no heel lift (which normal even sneakers and many types of sandals have).

Before that book, I also read Bowman's book called Diastasis Recti: The Whole Body Solution to Abdominal Weakness and Separation. Though the content is obviously useful for postpartum moms, the condition of diastasis recti (DR) can impact men and nulliparous women too.

In this book Bowman talks about how our modern lifestyles put a lot more pressure (force) on our cavities (diaphragmatic, stomach, and pelvic) and so to combat that we need to make environmental changes in our lifestyle. This includes actions like sitting less in the day and returning to using our bodies to move more (rather than always having appliances and tools to help us).

The point isn't to remove all modern conveniences entirely if it's not possible in our lives, but to balance out those convenient factors so our bodies have a chance to regain better mobility and functional strength while we continue to go about our daily lives.

The most crucial exercise Bowman suggests as a takeaway from her book is better rib engagement. This is done by drawing our ribs down and back without just sucking in our stomachs. We need to get our ribcage muscles and joint attachments to be less stiff because it impacts our ability to use our arms in their full range, and can cause issues if we move our pelvises with our ribcages all the time. Anyway, the book is definitely worth checking out to hear Bowman explain all of this (she does a much much better job).

The last thing I read by Bowman was a paper she put out about Movement Ecology. She addresses movement in multiple avenues, highlighting how we as a species gravitate towards decreased movement, which means more than just decreased exercise. She investigates movement as a broader topic, looking at how our daily activities and the environment around us help move and change our bodies in multiple ways, including at the cellular level (e.g. literally deforming our cells as when we lay on an object and our cells flatten). It's cool stuff!

The fun thing about Bowman's work (and I'm just talking about the books/papers I referenced in this post, so foot health techniques, diastasis recti prevention, and movement ecology practices), you can already come up with a fairly comprehensive program for prenatal and postpartum mothers to help them stave off lifestyle-related aches and pains, and regain more function respectively, while building foundational blocks of strength and mobility. And that's what I'll be playing around with next with my own routines.

On a tangent, I wonder how much of the severity of my topical steroid withdrawal would be alleviated  if I moved more?

[pumpkincalnee]

acceptance of a chronic illness

It has been 6 years (more or less) that I have been dealing with what seems like severe skin issues. When this all started in 2013, no one knew what was happening to me, and various assumptions were made. My mom strongly believed the cause to be that the off-campus housing I was living in was too dirty. My dermatologists thought it was from improper skin care. My doctor thought it was from a staph infection. My specialist thought my symptoms had a hormonal component and the likely cause was my birth control pills or the pituitary adenoma they found on an MRI of my brain. I thought it was from topical steroid usage.

But whatever the cause, the medical treatment has been about the same no matter who I saw (and see). I'm advised to moisturize more with different moisturizers and then prescribed rounds of antibiotics and prescription on prescription of topical steroids (and often oral steroids too if I'm looking particularly bad). The result has also been the same- some clearing up of the skin, followed by a precipitous dive into new flares as I taper off the steroids. It's almost like my skin is addicted to steroids. What I mean by that is that because I have been applying exogenous (not made from my body) steroids for so long, my skin has adapted. So when I stop using the steroids (or at this point, when I start decreasing the amount as recommended) my skin, having slowed its natural cortisol production in response, suddenly can't remember how to make enough cortisol. As the blood all rushes back to the skin, with it comes all the inflammation that the topical steroids had kept at bay. (Oh and as an aside, the reason people can't stay on topical steroids forever is because it thins out your skin over time and can also make you very sensitive to sunlight).

With addictions generally, I've heard you can take one of two approaches: drop it cold turkey or reduce it measurably over time. Both types of approaches have been attempted with my skin. The research behind tapering when your skin is already addicted has been changing a lot and so every doctor has a slightly different plan about how to do it. Unfortunately, every plan results with me having worser flares from the moment I start the taper. It is for that reason that I usually opt for the cold turkey approach.

The problem with cold turkey is that I haven't lasted more than 2 years. At some point I'll eventually give in and go to a new dermatologist and they will scare me into using steroids and antibiotics again. One told me my organs were also inflamed because my skin was (this was said off-handedly when I mentioned my fear of topical steroid withdrawal. No tests were done to confirm such a statement). Another said my choices were steroids or cyclosporine (an immune-suppressant given to patients getting organ transplants so their bodies don't reject the new organ. To be on them requires kidney function monitoring, and your ability to fight off things like the common cold is reduced). Another said that skin regenerates by every 3 weeks so there was no way my skin would still have issues with tapering off. And yet another said I should just use topical steroids as needed just on my rougher spots, but then gave no general instructions about how long "as needed" is, if the skin keeps flaring.

This isn't a blame game towards dermatology (anymore: that was an older stage of grieving). At this point I am more interested in the cultural acceptance for myself and by others of this state of being chronically ill. I'll be honest, it's incredibly difficult to do for myself. I constantly think about how life will be if and when I heal, what things I'll be able to pick back up, what things I'll be able to try. But deep down I have to accept I might not heal. Lately, I've been banking on biologics (Dupixent) to save the day and I just keep being like "okay I'm breastfeeding now but once we're done, so long as I dont plan to have another child, I can go on these groundbreaking but experimental drugs." I have to think about life decisions in that way because no one knows the effects of these medications on fertility or pregnancy, and if I use them I am not willing to take the risk. Harder still is that their efficacy isn't even guaranteed!

As a result, I'm always forced to think ahead. So much of my experience as a first time mother has already been influenced by my condition. It's not just dry skin. My body reacts like it's allergic to everything, even to holding my baby's head on my bare arms when breastfeeding. I always wear loose flannel over myself to not have that skin contact. I can't give my baby baths as easily because my hands freak out from that kind of water exposure (washing my hands in general makes my hands itch like crazy and sometimes break into hives). I can't do crazy sweat-inducing heat-generating workouts as easily without needing breaks to let my skin cool and dry off so I don't scratch myself to death. This also means carrying my baby strapped to my body on a warm day eventually makes my stomach flare up. I am becoming increasing sensitive to new allergens, like developing allergies even to my childhood dog and a lot of my friends' houses.

This condition also impacts my ability to sleep. Sometimes I'm kept up at night by my baby, but often times it's my condition that does it; my skin going through thermoregulating issues or being triggered by friction, sweat, air temperature deviance, my husband's body heat, stress, etc all irritating my body so I am either scratching or my skin is heating up and weeping, or cracking as it dries out. It's a neverending battle to not fear going to bed though I know I need the sleep, because I get so nervous about how uncomfortable the night will be.

And then all the while that I'm slowly learning to accept my own condition as a state of being, I have to figure out how to validate myself to the world. The most common attitude I receive from others is that I am just negligent in using moisturizers, which results in a lot of product recommendations from coconut oil to castor oil, Eucerin to Aquaphor. The challenge is getting people to realize that it's not just a dry skin issue. I often have sporadic allergic reactions to products (no matter how natural) because it's an autoimmune issue. Over the past few months I have reacted to coconut oil, and then vaseline, and then vitamin E oil. Now all three are fine to use.

This condition also impacts what I can eat. I once had a date (the fruit), and immediately broke out hives all over my lips. This happens with foods I previously could and will again be able to eat. The reason is because my issue is internal. The skin is just an unfortunate symptom. And yes sure, if I can consistently figure out how to keep my skin closed (no weeping or open wounds) maybe my other symptoms will slow, but my skin didn't flare up one day in 2013 in a vacuum; something else triggered it.

The next challenge I face is convincing people that this is more than skin deep. I have had people tell me that eczema (the blanket term for having rashes like mine anywhere on your body) is not an autoimmune disorder. One, it definitely is, and two, when you get to my severity level (aka chronic and where the whole body is affected) you have to recognize something else is at play. My eosinophil levels (a type of white blood cell) are often off the charts. I'm talking 6000 units when normal is 60. And again my inner mouth and throat aren't affected by eczema yet they break out in hives fairly randomly. My digestion also can get messed up at a drop of a hat and I often know I'm in a healing phase when I have bowel movements again. Not to mention joint swelling and swollen lymph nodes even in regions of my body where the skin is intact. My body's immune system is definitely overactive.

The next issue comes from dermatologists. I honestly don't know why I keep expecting a different plan of care, as their profession literally meaning the study of skin, but I'm always bummed when they come at me from the approach of only how to fix my skin. Like I said, the problem is my skin isn't the cause. So if they just give me meds for my skin, I finish the medications and the symptoms return because the cause hasn't been found and treated.

All this is to say that finding a way to accept my life as it has become, and getting others to realize what it's like has been difficult. I'm naturally a very anxious person, and the rapid onset of this condition followed by years of being a "medical mystery" and now basically a non-compliant patient (at least towards any derm that recommends steroids yet again without having new scientific evidence proving efficacy in case studies similar to mine) have made me quite wary. I don't have good faith that people will understand what it's like or why I am constantly reinventing my future. Why I constantly change my diet. Why I adopt these "hippie" approaches to skin care like refusing topical steroids or going moisturizer-free during wet flares. I'm not trying to be difficult or ignore medical advice. I'm working to figure out this body I'm in as it is, and treating it gently as I re-meet it and get to know it, accepting that yes, I may now always be chronically ill even though I still remember a time when that wasn't the case. And yeah maybe there will be a cure and/or I will heal one day, but until that time I have to meet myself where I'm at now.

[pumpkincalnee]

humans and nature

I’m reading this book now called There’s No Such Thing As Bad Weather that compares different aspects of parenting in Scandinavian countries versus the United States (and other English-speaking countries). Much of it compares how the way we raise our children in regards to their relationships with nature. According to McGurk, in Scandinavia they have more focus on outdoor education for young children so that when they grow up they continue to appreciate nature and are naturally more inclined towards environmental protection.

But another large takeaway from the book is that your society has to support these kinds of initiatives. In some Scandinavian countries, people can cross on (or children can play on other people’s private land/property (think huge backyards and fields) legally, so long as they don’t cause destruction.

The countries also works to instill independence and responsibility in their children by letting then take more age-appropriate risks (like 8 year olds walking to and from parks alone or playing outside for hours after they’ve gradually learned the areas with their families). I also recently rewatched Lord of the Rings with my husband and it always instills in me how important nature is to humans, and how much of humanity just sees it as something to conquer rather than a large part of our health and happiness. We forget that we need the good bacteria from the soil and plants, that the fresh air helps decrease infection risks, that our food either comes from or is fed from it, that humans derive as sense of peace from the greenery, that we can find comfort with change by appreciating seasonal life cycles in it.

It feels like letting our children learn from and develop stronger appreciations from nature sets them up with a good baseline to be happier and healthier than we are. I’m excited to hear and see about all the different initiatives small communities in America enact to figure out the balance that works for each child and family.

[pumpkincalnee]

on “parenting” biographies

I have been reading a lot of "parenting" books lately.

Previous books read on this topic include Achtung Baby by Sara Zaske, Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman, and French Twist by Catherine Crawford. So my distribution in countries has only extended to Germany and France but I am working to rectify that presently.

I use quotations around “parenting” because these books aren't here specifically to convince the readers how to parent per se. In fact most of them are expats raising kids in a new culture and then trying to blend their own with it to find their own balance. However they all do reflect on commonalities they see in whatever society they are a part of at the time, the one that shapes their raising of their children. They also do end up implanting little nuggets into the malleable pockets of my gray matter that make me question status quo of my own culture. In particular, why does my culture (and many others) prioritize working above all?

How does removing play time for young children and filling it with timed and structured activities with parental supervision impact both the future generations of the children as well the parents currently doing the implementation? What can individuals do to try to mitigate the cascade of symptoms that lead to a cemented cultural practice enforced by litigation (the culture of suing everyone and everything for accidents)?

Though I won't spoil what parenting book I'm currently reading until I finish it (as to not assume too much of where it is headed in case it goes a different direction that I am extrapolating), my mind is already teeming with perceived implications for my own little one, and I’m wrought with fervor to carve out a way to achieve the most balanced route for her to grow as her own person.

I wouldn't say I worry about her future yet in the anxious melodramatic ways that bubble into most of my thoughts, but I would say I’m genuinely curious about what happens next. How do I find like minded, community-based people that want to preserve the innocence of youth, but also encourage the growth of young independence in a society that looks to constant busyness as a sign of success? Is it possible within our societal framework?

Also, though this may be giving a hint as to what I'm reading, what is happiness and how do we create a space for our children to discover it, lastingly? More to come on this front.

[pumpkincalnee]

polycystic ovarian syndrome (pcos)

The other day I stumbled upon a briefing in my email that led me to this study, which indicated that women with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) have an increased risk for developing type 2 diabetes. As a woman who was diagnosed with PCOS as a 17 year old (and as a woman with an egregious sweet tooth), this news alarmed me, but not just for the risk mentioned.

First off, PCOS is a reproductive hormonal condition that can impact fertility. With PCOS woman is thought to have at least two of the following: high levels of androgen, increased facial hair, multiple cysts in her ovaries, and/or infrequent periods. The risk of PCOS is also greater when a woman is obese.

When I was first diagnosed with PCOS, I was around 17, and went to the Ob/Gyn because I hadn’t had my period in 6 months despite not being sexually active. The doctor inquired on my lifestyle, and when he discovered I played on two soccer teams and ran track on the off season, he quickly decided that my period’s absence must be due to my high level of physical activity. For some reason, he still decided to do an ultrasound, and then proclaimed that I had cysts in my ovaries. He retroactively mentioned that they might be the reason for my errant hairs on my chin and below my belly button (as PCOS is known for causing hormonal fluctuates that result in increased androgen). He then had me get a blood test, the results of which showed that I had slightly lower levels of estrogen than is “the norm”. He prescribed me birth control pills to balance out my hormones and sent me on my way. And so I began my journey on “the pill” for about 3 or 4 years.

After that, every time I subsequently went to see a Ob/Gyn, in college and after, I dutifully marked down that I had PCOS on the medical intake forms. It was never remarked upon again as my body weight was normal, which at the time was the big red flag with PCOS. It wasn’t until I started going through what we later found to be topical steroid withdrawal that my PCOS became a problem. Because my skin was so bad, doctors believed it may have had something to due with my hormones, and so I had a gamut of tests, from blood and saliva draws, to MRIs. They found that my cortisol levels were high and decided it would be worth it to see if taking me off the pill alleviated said result (it was also discovered that I had a pituitary adenoma, which led to me having to see a neurologist, and in following years having to get an annual check-up MRI. This continued until one doctor said they weren’t sure I ever had the adenoma, but instead perhaps the imaging had been read incorrectly the first time. Such is the way with imaging readings, I’ve learned).

When I was pregnant, I dutifully told my new Ob/Gyn about my PCOS diagnosis, and he replied that many women were given the diagnosis of PCOS when they were young without it truly being the case. Rather, he elaborated, it was more likely the case that I was young and my body was still adjusting to its hormonal changes. So maybe I had a cyst or two temporarily but it was not the same thing as PCOS. He furthered that the diagnostic signs for PCOS are a bit outdated, a statement of which newer studies seem to agree.

With the uncertainty around correct diagnoses, how then would one know if they are at more risk for type 2 diabetes or not? After I pondered this for a while, and my mind wandered down such avenues of questions, I inevitably came to the same conclusion where I always end up. Does it really matter? Or are most of these conditions still the product of lifestyle? Is the answer still then to eat more vegetables, cut down on sugar and processed foods, don’t consume excessive calories, sit less and move more?

Whenever I get to this conclusion I start to wonder what cultures still follow these stipulations more closely, and if said cultures have been studied for their rates of lifestyle diseases. But that’s a post for another day.

REFERENCES

Dewailly D. Diagnostic criteria for PCOS: Is there a need for a rethink? Best Practice & Research Clinical Obstetrics & Gynecology. 2016 Nov; 37: 5-11.

Kakoly NS, Earnest A, Teede HJ, Moran LJ, Joham AE. The Impact of Obesity on the Incidence of Type 2 Diabetes Among Women With Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Diabetes Care. 2019 Jan.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Office on Women’s Health. https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/polycystic-ovary-syndrome.

[pumpkincalnee]

why does my skin itch so badly when wet?

I've been reflecting on the various triggers to my eczema during this never-ending but constantly changing topical steroid withdrawal and at 2am this morning I came to a realization. My skin tends to itch like crazy when I'm exposed to something wet in short bursts. This includes actions  like washing my hands, dipping my feet in a tub to test the temperature, applying lotions to dry skin, etc.

This realization made me backtrack and first want to know what is the stimuli the body responds to when it’s wetted. We have receptors for temperature (thermoreceptors) and chemicals (chemoreceptors), and even some for painful exposure broadly (nociceptors). We also have cutaneous receptors that can detect pressure, touch, stretch, and vibrations, but still none of those seemed intuitive for how wetness would be recognized. Obviously it’s got a temperature component but that wouldn't work alone. I did a quick google search and came across this article, which explained that wetness is registered a mix of cold temperature, pressure, and texture reception in tandem with learned experiences to create what was called "perceptual illusion". Note, I have cited a secondary source above, not the primary study. The study itself I couldn’t access fully, but it is here.

I thought about the information I read and concluded that it didn't help to explain why my eczema-afflicted skin reacts so aggressively to short duration bursts of wetness. Perhaps it has something to do with the over-sensitization nature of eczema. Maybe if the A-nerve afferents are just more reactive in general, inconsistent exposure (like multiple drops of water hitting my skin) would cause the A-nerve afferents to send tactile/temperature information repeatedly. Then as the over-sensitization makes me register many sensations as an itch, it would just create more itching. Maybe?

[pumpkincalnee]

memory blast from the past: the “invincible” days

When you’re young you fly on this invisible tether, unaware of the fleeting nature of your adventure, how you will not always be there, balanced confidently but precariously.

I often think back on my journey living with severe eczema and immediately I remember the onset of the first cascade of knocked-me-off-my-feet-and-never-found-solid-ground-again topical steroid withdrawal symptoms and think that was where it all began. But it’s just not true. Even when I was young (under 14), active and energetic, there were moments when eczema was already blossoming under the surface.

I remember hiking the presidential range with my uncle, his girlfriend (now wife), his cousin, an uncle-esque family friend, and my sister. When we reached the last cabin closest to Mount Washington, I recall the cold as a storm rolled in and remembered vividly when I washed my face in a cold bathroom in the morning with chilly water, I felt the creep of a growing itch under my skin.

Nowadays I know that there can be many triggers for eczema including temperature changes, but then, eczema was a weird seasonal rash that showed up only on the insides of my elbows, not on my face. I think my thoughts at the time were something along the lines of “oh, I must have eaten something that was contaminated lightly with peanut fragments”, because in my head, face itching had to be a sign of an allergic reaction.

It’s also non-humorously funny to look back and realize I was already becoming paranoid of food allergies (and sensitivities) as the culprit to my skin woes.

I also recall having (and to some extent still have) the belief that because I possessed any abdominal fat, therein lied the reason I had eczema. It wasn’t yet possible to accept that I wasn’t infinitely healthy and majestic, that my body wasn’t perfect, that I had my own personal dis-ease I would have to reckon with that would change my whole game plan. It was easier to think that I was just eating too much and therefore making myself less than perfect.

It’s interesting because I can still so easily transport back into that mindset and remember how vital I felt, how alive, how healthy. I didn’t feel disappointment that my body had betrayed me yet.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can still get optimistic about my skin’s healing progress and feel I have come a huge way along the path of recovery. But my confidence of almost immortality that I had once before, is not there.

Part of that makes perfect sense. I have grown up and matured, and since realized essential concepts like that my body is no longer growing up, that I have to maintain health by eating right and moving and controlling stress or I will grow outwards in a horizontal direction. I get that. But there is also this, I think what I used to call “the Peter Pan effect” that I recognize is gone. It was akin to the moment I turned 12 and had to firmly accept the idea that I was never getting into Hogwarts, not because it was fictional, but because I had aged out of my chance. I adjusted to changes of aging in asymmetrical, non-smooth blocky jumps.

I think that’s the hard part of it all. You have to accept that time moves forward and one day you are on the other end of the growth curve, in what I now like to call the maturation phase, giving in to the adage of us ripening well, like rare vintage wines. But it is hard to accept that where you were once full of epiphyseal (growth) plates, you now have the potential for osteoporosis; where hyaline cartilage once ran amok, we now see arthritis. I don’t know, I think sometimes the reality of aging, even if it is done amazingly, is still a bitter reminder that our lives are meaningful because they end, and so it’s important to accept the ride and always strive for better and better days, even if there are road bumps, like severe eczema in my 20s; here’s looking to flawless skin in my 30s!