#nearly 10+ years of this just being the one person no ones attracted to

[ptsd-tiger]

why is it that every. fucking. group chat i've ever been in leads to everyone fucking each other. with me being the exception as the sole person no one lusts after

[district4loading]

The CEO (WLW)

Twice Sana!Dom x Female Reader!Sub

6K Words

Content Warning: smut, some angst cause why not, a bit of an age gap, mentions of cheating, fingering, oral, strap

Minors DNI

A/N: There aren’t many times where I can see Sana being dominant but goddamn when I saw these pictures I doubted myself.

I started writing this last night and just finished today (It's 10 in the morning). I hope you bottoms enjoy!!!

Anon - "i know you said in your intro your mainly going to write bottom sana… but any plans of a top sana fic soon for the girlies >< love ur writing btw!"

-

Maybe this was like you

-

"How the hell did I end up here?"

That's what you ask yourself as you stare at the ceiling in this unfamiliar bedroom. You're on the bed half naked and there's this breeze coming from the vents that's got goosebumps forming on your arms. You contemplate getting up and putting your dress back on. It's frankly too expensive to be on the floor anyways, no matter how clean the porcelain tiles are.

But you stay there, trying—then giving up in the same instance—to hear what's being said on the other side of the door. Everything was going fine, she was kissing you and touching you everywhere you needed her to. Until her phone rang, then she muttered "I have to take this" and left you, in your panties in her enormous bed. Seriously, no single person needs a bed this huge.

Well, that's what materialism does to you.

You start to blame yourself, regretting coming here in the first place. It's the fact that you're a college student, the fact that she's got maybe eight years on you. Oh yeah, and maybe also the fact that you're her intern. Well more specifically an intern at the company she runs.

As an arts and design major, internships mattered. So why not apply for an internship at one of the most popular fashion brands in the country? That was your thought process. In the competitive field, among all the other applicants you were chosen for the position. Two weeks later you met the CEO Minatozaki Sana who you never thought could be so attractive in every way possible. Every time you saw her around--which wasn't much--she'd make your knees go weak with only a glance.

How'd you end up in her bed? You don't exactly know. Well, it was maybe six in the afternoon when you were heading out of the office. Then she stopped you and randomly asked if you'd like to get drinks and of course you agreed. Next thing you knew, you're in her penthouse and she's unzipping your dress.

Now you're starting to get frustrated and you sit up, wondering if she forgot that she had someone waiting for her. That's when you actually get a look at the view outside, through the floor to ceiling windows. "Damn" You mutter, actually getting up from the bed to look at the lights.

Because what else were you gonna do? Leave?

Then after what felt like a millennia, you hear the door open up behind you. "I'm sorry, it was really important..." She trails off, noticing how you've migrated from the bed "Enjoying the view I see" She puts her hands in her pockets and you turn around just in time to see it.

You mean to give her a nasty look because you're upset with her for making you wait so long. However, the moment you open your mouth the words get stuck in your throat almost immediately when you see her. She's got on the same thing she's had on all day, this all black Prada outfit and somehow you're still starstruck about how good it fits her.

She comes closer and gets her hands on your waist like they're meant to be there "Now, where were we?" she asks, dipping her head down to your neck and kissing the skin softly. In the time you were waiting, you nearly forgot how good her lips felt on your body. A soft moan slips from your mouth and you already need more.

This is so not like you, opening your legs for some CEO who'll probably kick you out in the morning. But somehow, you just can't resist her. You pull her body closer to you and you allow her to lead you to the bed. Now you're on you're back again and she's on top of you. "Did.. mm did you turn your phone off?" You ask between heavy breaths and whines, because she's sucking on your neck so hard she'll definitely leave a mark and it feels so good.

"Yeah" She pulls away and nods, looking into your eyes. Your hands gravitate to her face and you begin to feel her soft cheeks, you still can't believe she's real. You pull her down, in an attempt to put her lips on yours but she turns away before any of that could happen "I don't kiss, remember?"

You scoff and roll your eyes, having half a mind to push her over "Yeah but you'll give me hickeys, right? And you'll eat me out but kissing is too intimate i guess"

Sana sighs "If you're going to act like that then you can go" Is what she says, but she doesn't move. She stays there with her body on you, face just inches away from yours.

"Then get the fuck off of me" You try to get up but she holds you there and she gives you this look. Her eyes widen a bit and her eyebrows furrow as if she wasn't expecting you to actually challenge her. Then she scowls as she holds you still.

You swallow and you give her the same testing look but you stop squirming, figuring that you'd let her figure out what the hell she'll do next. Unexpectedly, Sana leans forward and connects your lips. It's almost embarrassing how fast you fall into it, into the butterflies and the hot feeling of it all. You kiss her back, she shoves her tongue into your mouth and you whimper when you feel her hand snaking its way down your body.

Sana chuckles into the kiss as her hand slips beneath the waistband of your panties. She breaks the kiss "Happy now?" She asks as her fingers come into contact with your arousal. The truth is, you're soaked, and you've been soaked ever since she got her phone call. So you buck your hips into her hand.

"Very happy" You respond with a broken gasp, your cheeks burning red as you feel her begin to circle your clit ever so slowly. She kisses your lips again, but it's only a short peck this time before she goes back to your neck.

She takes a deep breath in and sighs hotly into your skin, causing a chill to run down your spine "I hope you know... I don't normally do that, especially for a girl I barely know" She hums, putting more pressure and speed in her movements. Usually you'd say something clever but you can't, there couldn't possibly be anything clever that comes to your mind when all you can think about are how good her fingers would feel inside of you, rubbing against your walls and stretching your cunt as you cum over and over again.

Maybe this was like you

Instead of saying anything at all, you grab her shirt with one hand, then use the other to keep a firm grip on her wrist. It feels too good and you need to make sure she doesn't move or slow. Sana holds back a laugh as she realizes just how fucking needy you are. "Easy on the shirt, do you know how much this costs?" She mutters into your neck but you don't really care about that right now.

Sana starts rubbing up and down your slit in slow, deliberate movements and you nearly cry out in protest. That is, until you feel her long, slender finger prodding your entrance "Fuck.. please Sana" You whine, raising your hips into her hand "Please" You beg again and it actually sounds like you might sob if she's not inside of you in the next second.

"I was going to start off with one... but jesus baby you're so fucking wet for me I think you can take two" She takes your earlobe between her teeth and bites down gently, her tongue only grazing against the skin as she slides two fingers inside.

The stretch is immaculate, perfect even and her fingers fit so snug inside of you that you just might think you were made for her. "Oh my fucking god" Your jaw goes slack and your eyes squeeze shut. You can't even control it when you clench around the digits. You need them deeper. When she curls her fingers you allow a strangled sob to escape your throat cause it's been stuck there for a while and after that you start to let everything out.

She's doing it so well, like she's experienced. She's older so obviously she'd be good at this, you just weren't able to actually conceptualize it until now. You can feel your slick dripping and it's getting everywhere, seeping through the sheets and into the mattress. "Please don't stop... don't fucking - Ah!" You cry out, your hand still firm around her wrist.

Sana lifts her head a bit, her face is right in front of you and even though your eyes are shut, you can feel her gaze on you. She's breathing out of her mouth and before you know it, her lips are on yours again. Heat spreads throughout your body as you try your best to keep up with the kiss. The thing is, it's just too good. She's just too good. You couldn't even dream of making yourself feel this good with your own fingers.

As if she can read your mind, she begins to fuck you faster. Now you can't even kiss her back. You're just moaning into her mouth, your lips parted as she licks and kisses all over them. Soon enough she pulls away and kisses your cheek "You're falling apart baby, I wish you could see how pretty you look right now." She stops for a moment, then all you can hear are the sticky sounds coming from in between your legs "God, just fucking listen to that" You already know she has that fucking smirk on her face when she says it.

For a split second you think about how your panties are still on, and how badly they're ruined right now. Then you stop caring because the praise is driving you crazy. You know she must say this shit to every other girl she fucks, it's so obvious but you can't help but feel special when she says it to you. "I.. can't fucking.. believe.." You choke the words out like you've forgotten how to speak. You're a thousand degrees and Sana's making everything even hotter.

You don't know why, but you decide to open your eyes and the sight above you only makes you want to shut them all over again. She's so hot, almost too hot right now. She stares directly into your eyes "You're going to cum aren't you" You nod frantically as your legs begin to tremble "There you go, be a good girl and cum on my fingers, darling" and her voice is so perfectly raspy when she says it. You bring your hands up, then you wrap your arms around her to pull her as close as possible. Her mouth is near your ear again and all of the feelings are too much.

"I'm so fucking close" You whine long and loud and Sana hums directly into your ear.

"Do it" She grits through her teeth and that's when you cum.

Your body arches into hers but she holds you down, her fingers still moving wildly inside of you. "Fuck!" You moan, your body shaking and shuddering on the older woman's fingers. Then you go silent, your lips still parted as the pleasureful waves continuously wash over you and your mind goes completely blank. "Fucking hell" You sputter, finally allowing your muscles to relax.

When your arms loosen around Sana's body she smiles at you and kisses your lips again "I thought you said you don't kiss?" You smile back at her.

"I don't but-"

"But what?"

"But you made a big fuss about it so I did" Sana shrugs, kissing you one more time before kneeling so she can unbutton her top.

"So do you end up kissing every girl who makes a big fuss about it?"

"I don't" She slides the garment off, then tosses it to the side as if she didn't just talk to you about pulling it too hard. "But I don't know, you're different"

"Oh, please spare me the performative b.s. I know for a fact you say that shit to every other twenty year old you fuck"

Sana flinches at your crude word choice, then unzips her pants "For your information, I don't normally do this with college students" She slides them down her slim legs and crawls between your legs. You lean upwards and allow her to unclip your bra. "They're all usually ditzy party girls who don't know how to think for themselves. That's more of a turn off than anything"

"So what about me turned you on, Sana?"

"I've been watching you since you started working with the company. You're smart, opinionated, driven... and sexy. I like how you you're always on time, how you make yourself presentable no matter what, how you know what you're doing. You know what? I'd bet my net worth that you haven't been to a party in months" She reads you like a book, and the only thing you can think of is how sexy her voice sounds while she does it. "You're different, Y/n"

You know it's probably an act, you know she's just saying it to get you attached. But goddamn it, her voice sounds so genuine, so real, so attractive that you start actually believing it. She begins to kiss your body, down your neck, between your breasts and suddenly she's between your legs. You open them for her and she holds each one, looking into your eyes as she kisses your thighs. She leaves marks, sucking and kissing on your flesh and it's obvious that she wants you to beg.

So you do.

"Sana.. please"

She smirks, then hums as if she doesn't know that you want her face buried in between your legs right now. "Want your mouth"

Sana slowly moves closer to your center and she sticks her tongue out. Then she nudges her head just a bit further and you can feel the muscle sliding up and down your slit. You bite your lip to stop yourself from moaning too loudly as her grip on your thighs tighten. It's a bit painful, the way her fingernails are digging into your skin but it turns you on. Only because her marks are going to stay there and in the morning, you'll be reminded of this moment when you see them.

"I'll admit, the first time I saw you, I couldn't wait till I could get my mouth on you" She mutters, then purses her lips to leave small kisses on your clit. "You taste just like I thought you would"

Your legs tremble a little, it's far too much. Her words and her plump lips are doing wonders for you right now. The hot pleasure almost taking your breath away. With a small whimper you say "please" cause you need more. You need her sucking and licking until you're falling apart all over again on her tongue.

"So impatient" She makes a 'tsk' noise with her mouth before taking your clit between her lips. She sucks, moving her jaw in an up and down motion and your vision goes blurry. You gasp and you reach your hand down to run them through her silky brown hair.

"Fuck - how are you so... fucking.. good" You whine, your hips begin to squirm. The pleasure is so overwhelming, but you're raising your hips and you're pushing her head down. You don't want her to move, she can't, not when she has you like this. So you keep her there the best you can. "please please please please please" You chant it like you're casting some sort of spell.

Then Sana fucking giggles, and you feel it. It's like a vibration that sends a shock through your veins and your reactive body shudders in response.

She keeps it up, using her mouth in ways you never knew were possible. Then your body's heating up again, faster this time as beads of sweat start to form on your forehead. You're completely flushed at this point and it's embarrassing but that doesn't matter because if she keeps this up you might actually..

Sana stops, allowing her tongue to lap up your wetness for a moment before she lowers her head. You're breathing heavily at this point, you were right at the edge and she just stopped. A frustrated sigh escaped your lips and you looked at her, about to ask her why she would stop and then you feel her tongue prodding your entrance.

Without warning she shoves it in and you stop breathing for a moment. "Fuck!" You choke, and Sana just tightens her grip on your thighs. She pulls you closer and gets her tongue that much deeper. It feels like absolute heaven, like you're right where you're meant to be.

She has your body fucking shaking and jerking on her tongue and she's smiling the whole time. Sana's turning you into an absolute mess and she's enjoying every single moment. Every single flick of her tongue had a specific purpose that made you see stars.

"Shit, I'm close" You warn and before you even know it, Sana's sliding herself off of the bed. "Where are you going" You sit up and there's a dazed look on your face as you try to figure it out on your own because of course she won't tell you.

You open your mouth to say something but you forget whatever it was that you were going to say when you see Sana walk out of her walk in closet with a toy in her hand. It's pink, and kind of translucent but it still makes your eyes widen.

A smile grows on your face as you watch her put it on carefully. She's deliberately being slow with it too, a smirk on her face as she tightens the straps well.

When it's finally on, Sana climbs onto the bed and in between your legs which you end up opening for her. She leans in and kisses you on your lips, nice and slow and there's nothing that feels better in this moment. Her soft lips make you feel like you're floating in space, the way it eliminates every other thought in your mind.

Then Sana buries her face in the crook of your neck, grabbing the toy with her hand to line it up. "I'll take care of you Y/n, I promise i'll have you screaming my name and cumming on this toy until you're begging me to stop" She almost growls the words into your skin, and you know she fucking means it.

"Please" Is the only word you utter before you feel the head of the dildo push past your entrance. Your eyes widen and you wrap your arms around Sana's body "Oh my fucking god" You try to moan but it comes out silent, like you've lost your voice.

She slides it in nice and slow, with gentle consideration but you're still wincing because it's fucking huge. You try to focus on your breathing and it works for a little bit, until she eases it in deeper and you forget everything. You're sure it's tearing you apart, but you can't help it when your legs wrap around her waist.

"You okay?" She raises her head and plants her fists into the mattress to hold herself up.

You swallow and nod your head, hoping she'll ignore the tears in your eyes because you've never felt so full. "I- Yeah.. just go slow please" 

The look Sana gives you is understanding and a small smile appears on her lips. She leans down and kisses you again but it's only a short peck for reassurance. Then she draws back and then rolls her hips forwards. It only goes in half way but the sound you make is nothing short of pure, raw lust. You grab onto her arms and close your eyes, digging your nails into her skin in an attempt to cope with the overwhelming stimulation.

Now she's thrusting in and out of you in a rhythm, her pace slow and steady. You appreciate that she's taking her time with you because you hadn't realized just how long it's been until now. "Look at me, princess" Sana says it softly but it's also demanding. So you do. She smiles a little "You have the prettiest eyes"

All you can really do is moan and it's embarrassing because she's telling you all the right things and now the monstrous stretch is starting to feel so good. Sana really did know how to fuck and you're already craving more. "Please.. faster" You beg, giving her the most pathetic set of pleading eyes.

She does as you say on command, fucking you faster and deeper. You feel the smooth silicone toy scrape against your walls with each movement she makes and you can feel yourself getting wetter because she's just hitting all the right spots inside.

Sana takes a moment to look down at where your bodies meet. "Look at that. You're fucking creaming for me" She announces, referring to the white ring of slick thats forming around the base of the toy. You can't see it, but you know it's a lot.

"Only for you" You say it like you've lost your goddamn mind. It's insane, this is the first time she's fucking you and the first time you've been to her place but you're already letting her claim you. It can't be good and you know it, but how are you supposed to think about that when she's eight inches deep inside of you and saying all the right things.

Then she slows down and eventually halts her movements. She repositions herself and leans upwards until she's sitting on her heels. Without pulling the toy out, Sana grabs the backs of your thighs and pushes them like she's trying to bend you in half. You're not even that flexible but she manages to get your knees to your chest. She leans over and holds herself up by your thighs. You can't help it when you squeal because the pressure hurts so fucking good.

You brace yourself as she moves her hips and it feels even better. This new angle allowed the toy to get that much deeper and it's making you feel like you wouldn't mind doing this over and over and over again with her. "You're.. fucking me.. so damn... good" You manage to say the words through your moans because you just have to let her know that she's destroying you.

As if she didn't already know that

Of course she gives you that smile and then she starts actually fucking pounding you. You don't know where all this raw force is coming from, she's a thin woman, slim arms with little muscle mass but somehow she's able to pin you down, fold you and fuck you like this. 

She's got it so fucking deep inside of you that you think you might cry. "Sana- fuck I can't- god you're so... I- please" Your breathing quickens. It's embarrassing how close she has you right now. "Fuck- if you keep.." You can't even finish your sentence, that's how bad she's wrecking you right now.

Sana gets the message, chuckling lowly at your struggles as she continues to fuck the shit out of you. You can hear how sloppy it is, that distinct sticky wet noise that's loud in your ears. It tells you just how wet and fucked up she's got you, it tells you that you'll probably be back at her door soon after this is over. It tells you that you might actually be hers sooner or later.

You gasp, then your hands are frantically looking for something to hold onto as your orgasm approaches hard and fast. "You're going to make me fucking cum" You warn, deciding to grab onto the duvet, because she's too far away for you to reach.

She hums and nods her head "That's right baby, cum for me again" She grunts and that's when your body begins to short circuit. She's using even more force now because your cunt is clenching tight around the girthy toy, making it harder for her to keep the same pace.

"I can't... I-" A loud moan follows your words and you finally fall off the edge. "Cumming" Is the only word you manage to say as it hits you like a truck. Your entire body trembles as she fucks you through it, never stopping her unrelenting pace. You freeze for a moment, eyes slamming shut just before everything crashes down. You begin gasping and gaping and Sana let's go of your thighs.

She spreads your legs open and falls between them, getting her lips on yours as fast as humanly possible. You're finally able to get your hands on her and your hold her close like she's gonna go away forever if you don't. You're eating each other alive, tongues dancing together as your saliva gets everywhere and the distinct flavor of your slick on her lips only adds to your arousal.

Sana breaks this kiss and gives you a smile "Again, i'm very sorry about the phone call. But I think that made up for it"

"Maybe"

Now you've got no clue what to do.

Should you leave? Should you stay? Should you ask her if she wants you to stay? You cringe at the last option.

You try to move from under her but Sana keeps you there "Stay" She asks, in such a cute voice as if she didn't just contort your body in a thousand different ways. So you stay there, and minutes pass and you wonder how long it'll be before she tells you to go. 

It takes a little while but soon she gets up and she leaves you laying there and you feel that cold breeze again. She's taking off the harness, taking her time and then you notice her gaze shift to the bedside table. "Is this yours?" She goes to pick something up.

At first you're a little confused, until you remember that you took your necklace off and put it there when she went to take her call. Now she's got the priceless item in her hand, holding it all wrong as she dangles it in front of her face. "Yeah" You get up and take it from her hands "Be careful, the clasp is broken" You say it harshly, but you don't exactly mean to.

"Sorry" She scratches the back of her head after you take it from her "Why don't you get it fixed?" She asks as she watches you struggle to put it on.

"Because the part is unique, there's only one and... it can't be fixed"

"Oh" She pauses, noticing the change in your relaxed demeanor. Something about you is colder and more tense. She tilts her head "So why don't you just get a new one... I'm sure there are nicer necklaces that-"

"It was a gift from my grandma, this was the last gift she gave me before she.." You can't even bring yourself to say the words as you absentmindedly hold the pendant between your fingers. It brings you comfort. "Sorry for ruining the mood" You sigh, trying to stop yourself from tearing up. Not here, in front of this woman who probably didn't give a fuck about you.

Sana sits next to you on the bed and she touches your thigh "No, don't be sorry. I was curious" You sniffle and nod your head. When you turn to look into her eyes, they look so gentle, so considerate in all the right ways. Maybe it's because you're in a vulnerable position right now or it's cause you just slept with her, but when she asks if you want to stay the night you don't even hesitate to say yes.

What have I gotten myself into now?

-

"Hey, Y/n? You're wanted in Miss Minatozaki's room" Your mentor, Jihyo pulls you aside. You try your best not to wince, keeping secrets was never your thing. Either way, you manage to hum and nod, hoping that she'd walk off but she doesn't "Hey wait, listen you know how she's the CEO of the company and everything right? I feel like she's taken more of an interest to you more than any other intern i've trained. You should definitely build off of her interest in you, show her that you'd be an asset to the company and hey maybe she could get you a comfy position here if you'd like to come back. Or if not, she can put in a good word so your job search goes well after you graduate"

You smile politely. 'Never in a million years' is what you want to say but instead you settle on "I'll be sure to do that"

It's your last week interning for the company and you're happy for that, happy to never have to step foot in this building again and hopefully never see Sana's face again. But you still have to answer to her so you decide to make it quick, taking the elevator to the 60th floor because of course her office is on the top floor.

You take a deep breath before opening the door to step inside. Sana looks up at you from her computer as you close the door behind you. "You know it's really low of you to get my mentor to send me up here to you" You cross your arms and you decide not to sit down, you didn't want to get yourself comfortable with her. Not again.

"Well how else am I supposed to get your attention if you've got me blocked on everything?"

"You're not supposed to. That's why I blocked you, because I don't want your attention" You can't help but lose your temper in front of her. It's crazy how she brings out the absolute worst in you.

Sana just sighs, "Look, you need to stop being so fucking childish and talk to me like an adult" You're at a loss for words, you genuinely cannot believe that you just heard her right. Your eye twitches just a bit and you begin to laugh "Y/n" She calls you, and she's serious about it too, but you can't help the giggles that escape your lips "Y/n" she says your name again sternly.

"I'm sorry" You begin to gain control of yourself "It's just funny to hear the cheater call me childish"

"You really don't have to be so loud"

After the first night you spent with Sana, you started doing things like that casually. Whether it was sneaking around the office or showing up to her place, you always found a way to hook up. Then it became something deeper and more romantic when she started buying you gifts, bringing you flowers and taking you out on dates. Sleeping over became a norm in your relationship and after maybe six weeks she was practically begging for you to get serious.

So despite everything in your living being telling you not to, you decided to try it out. The gifts were nice and so were the dates and not to mention all of the kisses and hugs. You had already fallen for her by then and in the blink of an eye everything shattered when you caught her with her assistant. You didn't stay for an explanation, shit you really didn't need to. The gross ass make out session they were having said enough.

So much for "I don't kiss"

You really beat yourself up over it, shit you were still in the process of beating yourself up over it. The wound was still fresh because it'd only been two weeks since. You should've known she was full of shit.

"Oh really? Which one do you think people would be more concerned about? The fact that you've been fucking the intern or the fact that you've been fucking your assistant?" You say it louder on purpose just to piss her off and Sana only huffs at you "Why did you call me up here?" You get straight to the point, because you didn't like for your time to be wasted.

"I want you to give me another chance"

You stare at each other for a few seconds and you almost laugh out loud again because she can't be serious right?

"No. Give me one good reason why I should?"

"Because I got you this" She opens a drawer in her desk and pulls something out, placing it on top of the wood and sliding it forward.

"Sana, you can't win me over with gifts. It's so disrespectful that you think i'm so easy-"

"Just, open it"

You walk over to her desk, sitting down in a chair as you unwrap the present-like box. "What the hell" You mutter as you go to open the box, there's a necklace in it but something about it is familiar. "Is this.." You gasp then put your hand over your mouth as you look at Sana "You got it fixed? I.. how? The part was one of a kind.." You glance back at the clasp, it looks brand new.

"I had some connections and you seemed really bummed about it, so I took it and I wanted to surprise you but then.." Sana suddenly feels uneasy about finishing the sentence. Your eyes begin to well up with tears as you gently pick up the necklace from the box.

Then she starts her apology "I'm really sorry about everything.. If it makes you feel any better I didn't actually fuck her- well I used to before we made things official but not after that! I swear you just walked in at a really bad time and she kissed me and I didn't push her away immediately but I promise we wouldn't have done anything else.. I was just being dumb"

She stumbles over her words in an attempt to make things better, to at least gain your forgiveness if not your trust. You couldn't even bring yourself to take your eyes off of the necklace, and you barely hear anything she's said but something in your heart softens for her. You wipe your tears and sniffle "Thank you so much" Is all you manage to say before you begin to break down.

Sana finally gets up, she wraps her arms around you and it feels so right. Now what are you supposed to do? Tell her to go fuck herself after she's done this? You can't bring yourself to even push her off of you, on the contrary you actually pull her closer. It takes a while, but she pulls away from the hug and you already miss it. "Sana.. I, I need time to think about everything"

You stand up, and put the box with the necklace in it on the table "Wait, at least take the necklace. It's yours"

Figuring there was no harm in it, you take the necklace and with that you walk out of the door.

To keep things short, it's probably the worst decision you've ever made.

[dreamwreaver]

ngl it's surprising to see how many parallels from canon ships Charlastor has with. lucilith, stolitz, Millie x Moxxie (have no clue what their ship name is) and Huskerdust(not canon yet but there's definitely a few similar traits charlastor shares with it)

For a non-canon ship, it sure is similar to a lot of canon relationships

If hazbin was made by literally any other person charlastor would be endgame canon. Viv has made a couple of comparisons about what chaggie is "allegedly" like that I simply don't see. They're like Jack and Sally, no because Sally never told Jack stop being the person you are to please others she actually told him to stop being something your not to try and fill an emotional void.

Oh, they made chaggie canon because the boarders were working on scenes where Charlie is talking to her partner and they just kept drawing vaggie in there because there was so much chemistry. Like, can we see this fucking amazeballs script that had the boarders sticking vaggie in all those moments because from where I'm standing show vaggie doesn't even pass the sexy lamp test. We already know chaggie wasn't originally supposed to be canon because Proto Vaggie was paired with angel dust! So what exactly is so captivating about Charlie and Vaggie's dynamic that they're established canon and yet don't feel like it? And before anyone says "well they've been together a while so it's dumb to expect them to be as passionate as the beginning"

Fizzmodeus. I don't care that Ozzie's the embodiment of lust. Half the time we saw those two together the point of their dynamic was demonstrating how stupidly in love they were while trying to disguise it as simple sexual attraction. And just based off simple math; fizz met Ozzie after becoming mammon's heir right? That clown competition has been held every year since fizz first won it right? And by the time he quits he's been doing it for nearly 10 years. Even being generous and figuring fizz and Ozzie didn't immediately get together I would still wager based on Ozzie's protectiveness, the detailed portrait in his office, the fact that he has a first aid kit with ready to go robotic limb placements it's been at least 5 years they've been together. So in that 5-10 year range they are still so in love it's sickening and obvious enough to everyone that the general reaction to the public finding out was "I knew it!"

And before we say that it was constrained for time, fizzmodeus before season 2 had a song, and Ozzie comforting fizz after he'd been knocked out. And the entire fandom clocked them as a ship. Even if they weren't originally intended to be, like chaggie, like huskerdust too, we can see them as a pre-established couple that STILL has chemistry despite having their own lives and having been together for a while.

Ozzie flat out refused to give stolas a crystal because fizz hated blitz, was trusted enough to be given the details of the worst day of fizz's life, could clock immediately once fizz and blitz had reconciled that this was the person who had his most important person's back and could be counted on. And even though Ozzie didn't like that fizz felt obligated to continue on with the clown thing for mammon, communicated that he didn't like how so many people saw fizz as a product to be bought and enjoyed, didn't like having to be the one in charge of MAKING that product, he never stopped fizz from making his own choices, he supported his partner in MEANINGFUL ways that do not change the essence of who fizz is. He listens and offers support if not solutions, encouragement that their partner can handle themselves and they will be there if needed.

Who does that for Charlie? Who refuses to leave her alone while she falls into a pit of self loathing? Really look Charlie and alastor's screen time in hello Rosie. Alastor is very calculating, and when he chooses to speak is exactly as important as what he chooses to say.

1. He doesn't like seeing Charlie wallow in self pity, as condescending as it likely comes across we already know he loves seeing Vox with his tail between his legs and doesn't believe in Charlie's goals so why wouldn't he take the opportunity to gloat about being right?

2. While he may like to prey on overconfidence in his victims we already know Charlie would have been more than willing to sell her soul for a chance at protecting her people. She was at her lowest point and rather than striking when she was in her darkest most defeated place he chose to wait until she was good and pissed and STILL didn't ask for her soul.

I fully believe he intended to make her mad because being mad means you're more than likely to do something about it. He antagonizes her on purpose so her fire comes back. When they go to Rosie's (which, again, we know he chose because cannibal town caters to Charlie's natural communication style) he only does enough to make sure Charlie's needs are clearly communicated to the overlord and provides a tangible benefit catered to their sensibilities. And when she's fully ready to be herself he does the equivalent of putting his actual heart in her hands. He had every confidence she could convince the other cannibals to join her cause. And then again the night before they could all die; he gives her his mic AGAIN. Charlie and Alastor might as well be pre-established canon because he does all the emotional work of a partner and they work together so seamlessly even when he's doing things she doesn't particularly like she knows why he does business the way he does.

[jikooklove9795]

Hey, there! First of all, I wanted to share just how much I enjoy reading all of your detailed posts and how nearly every time they're just SO spot! This being said, I was wondering about something just for funsies: What are some moments between JK and JM that people often use as "proof" but in your eyes, they aren't actually all that significant to you and are just innocent interactions? Personally, I love being realistic and objective when it comes to KM, so there definitely are some moments that just don't look all that proof-esque to me the way other momemts between them are undeniably hinting at a possible relationship. I was curious about your views on this matter, and thank you so much if you decide to indulge in my curiosity hehe!!

Hi Anon 😊

Thanks a lot for your kind words. I really appreciate it and I'm so happy to know that you enjoy my posts.

But when it comes to your ask 😅 I should probably be the last person you send this to. I understand its natural to leave room for doubt since we are all assuming that Jikook are in a relationship. However, I'm a bit different, I guess, because I have no doubt in my mind when it comes to Jikook. For me, they're definitely in a long term committed relationship with each other.

I usually never try to link two people romantically unless they've made it public that they're dating. However, if I notice something undeniable in their behaviors or interactions when they're around each other, I might change my perspective. There's often a chemistry or electric spark thats impossible to hide no matter how hard they try.

And when it comes to Jimin and Jungkook there are countless behavior patterns over the years that solidify my belief. Even without considering the loud moments there are numerous subtle and consistent patterns in the way they interact with each other. A few of these are:

1) Their frequent one on one time both on and off camera

2) Their inside jokes, inside stories, their nicknames or terms of endearment for each other

3) Their familiarity with each other's habits which most of the time seem like new information to even the other members

4) Subtle physical affection like lingering touches, any excuse to hold hands, always gravitating towards each other

5) Body language (angling their body towards each other), giving the other undivided attention, using soft tones while speaking

6) Unconscious smiling where they smile a lot more in each other's presence for no particular reason

7) Blushing (cue Jimin on his birthday live 2021, Jimin during 3J Butter dance version, Jimin after blowing a kiss to Jungkook during MMA 2018 and many more)

8) The protective gestures, how they get defensive when it comes to the other

9) Their soft gazes for each other which are filled with affection and admiration

10) Their noticeable effort to support each other (Jikook at each other's practice stages), the concern and worry reflected in their eyes and voice tones when the other is having a grueling schedule, bad health etc.

All of these are indicators which reveal the depth of their relationship.

So, what I'm saying is that, what maybe proof of Jikook dating to some might not be convincing to others. This could be because those moments are subtler compared to the more obvious ones. However, that doesn't make those moments any less meaningful. When considering the bigger picture, these subtle moments, especially since they occur consistently make a significant difference in how we perceive Jikook's dynamic.

It shows that what they have is not mere sexual attraction but something they have nurtured through time and effort. That's why their love continues to thrive despite all the struggles they may have faced.

We are all unique and this uniqueness shapes the way we perceive things. Thats why there is a variety of opinions and perspectives when it comes to interpreting a moment or interaction.

And since Jikook are in love (in my opinion) almost all their interactions carry an underlying affection and fondness for each other. This is why to some these interactions might appear as evidence of them being together.

When it comes to them I always notice something special in the way they interact. They're so gentle, romantic, and fun that it makes me believe that love still exists and its possible to have healthy loving long term relationships even when you're super famous. They're truly a breath of fresh air.

So, yeah, thats my answer to your ask, Anon. Once again thank you so much for your kind words. They really put a smile on my face.

Have a nice day 👋🏻

[mercurytrinemoon]

Venus cycle: conjunctions with the Sun, its retrogrades and how it all works

Because Venus just stationed retrograde so here's all you need to know 💖

One of the best aspects one can have in a natal chart is probably Venus conjunct the Sun. There is one catch though - the orb of that conjunction has to be smaller than 1 degree (or, even better, 0°17' - this is the orb I personally give), otherwise Venus is said to be combust. Now, combust planets aren't necessarily all bad, but being so close to Sun makes them operate in a shadow or, how I like to call it, on a backstage. Venus being overshadowed by the big hot luminary will still be full of charm, allure and talent but it may feel like it's not being recognized. Alternatively, those talents can be used on a literal backstage, for example, when working with or for other people who present themselves on stage - literally or figuratively.

But what if Venus is extremely close to Sun, within that small orb? Well we call it cazimi - which means in the heart of the Sun. It gives Venus bonification but also carries the energy of a reset of some sorts because it marks the beginning of a Venus cycle - people born on a conjunction have the ability to start projects, constantly reinvent themelves. They're often also trailblazers.

How often does a Venus cazimi occur? About once a year BUT - and that's an important part - they're conjunct in the same sign every 4 years, alternately when Venus is direct (exterior/superior conjunction) and retrograde (inferior conjunction). So, this year cazimi will happen when retrograde in Aries, 4 years ago happened when direct and 8 years ago when retrograde again. So 8 years is Venus' synodic cycle - this is how it takes for her to be in the same position in regards to Sun. Her cycle is nearly perfect and you've probably heard that if we were to connect the points of cazimi on a chart with lines, it would create a star (it's also often called the rose of Venus). And because of that perfect nature of the cycle, conjunctions in the same sign happen almost at the same degree each time, just being roughly two days shy of and exact cycle. And because of that, it slowly moves backwards. So, for example, the Sun-Venus exterior conjunction in Aries happened on March 31st 2005 (10°31’), then March 28th 2013 (8°10’) and March 26th 2021 (5°50’)… and so on.

RETROGRADE: GOOD OR BAD?

It is stereotypically said that Venus retrograde is not a favorable time. I'd say yes and no. During the retograde, Venus goes into the underworld, goes through a rebirth and comes back as a feisty warrior-like morning star (just like in the myth of Inanna, who was the sumerian og incarnation of a goddess of love). This means Venus changes her point of view and becomes indeed more feisty, demanding and sometimes scandalous. A few Venus retrograde examples? Amy Winehouse, who had a very specific, recognizable image and a distinct musical talent that couldn't be replicated - you hear Amy, you instantly know it's her. She had a darker vibe, very in the style of Venus retrograde. She also battled mental health issues and addiction. Mariah Carey is a more optimistic example (again, talent like no other) although for years media coined her as a diva (in a pejorative way) and as a child she suffered discrimination from peers (that's the element of retrograde-y banishment). Actresses like Charlize Theron or Jodie Foster carried their retrograde-y character through movie roles they were choosing (Atomic blonde, Mad Max, Monster, The silence of the lambs or The Accused all have the essence of an underground Venus). Jack Nicholson is another one who embodies that theme in a lot of the movie roles he picks (One flew over the cuckoo's nest, The shining, The witches of eastwick), he also has a very distinct charm to him, despite not being conventionally attractive. Interestingly, since Venus rules women in one's chart, he grew up thinking his mother was his sister and his grandmother - his mother. Very retrograde-y.

So, Venus retrograde doesn't have to be bad. And we'll talk about it in a second when we look at Dua Lipa.

VENUS AS A CLOCK

For me though, what's important is, that people born during the retrograde or close to the superior conjunction, are somewhat branded with Venus' synodic cycle. It's like they carry a meter, a clock that's counting down to important events in their life. And I think this is one of the most powerful ways astrology shows how predestined our lives are. There's an amazing episode of The Astrology Podcast (watch HERE) where they look at lives of "time twins" Hitler and Chaplin and every. single. breakthrough they had in their lives happened during the Venus retrograde in Aries (they were both born during retrograde in that sign). Heck, Hitler even died during one. Now tell me it wasn't literally written (and set in stone) in the stars?

DUA LIPA AND THE POWER OF THE RETROGRADE

Dua was born exactly on a Venus cazimi in Leo. What's more, that conjunction is right on top of Regulus, a fixed star that symbolizes royalty, succes and wealth. Sure, Dua's popularity doesn't match the one of Billie Eilish or Taylor Swift but she slowly but surely gained a pretty decent popularity worldwide - and that is rare for a British-based artist. Her Venus cazimi lays in her 3rd house of thought and adds themes of her Venus-ruled 5th house of creativity.

And, you guessed it, Dua does operate under Venus cycles. She was born during a superior conjunction, so while Venus was direct, somehow she's more influenced by retrogrades. Her first single was released during Venus retrograde in Leo in August of 2015, which clearly brough her luck. During the retrograde in the same sign in 2023 she took a pretty huge part in the Barbie film (a very Venus retrograde-y movie as well). After the release and after retrograde was over, Dua hit a reset (literally as she wiped her whole instagram) and started promoting her next album - and that is the reset I was talking about in the beginning. It's constant reinvention. During that time she also announced that her real ascendant lays in Gemini as opposed to Libra, which is a funny cherry on top.

She also seems to react to other retrogrades as well. During one in Capricorn a few year ago she released her newsletter and then podcast Servce95, which seems to be pretty popular to this day.

See??? Starting things during the retrograde doesn't have to be bad!

Similar example? Ella Fitzgeralt was also born with Venus cazimi in her chart. She was a Leo rising and the conjunction fell into her 10th house in Taurus - a sign ruled by Venus. She was destined to be on stage and to become a music icon - Taurus is known for beautiful voice and grace so this is a perfect representation of a cazimi in that sign.

Her life was also directed by Venus cycles. Her debut stage performance took place one day after Venus conjoined with the Sun in Scorpio in 1934. She had heart surgery in 1986 right before the retrograde. Then in 1991, also before the retrograde, she performed on stage for the last time in her life. Ella eventually passed away just a few days after the cazimi in Gemini in 1996.

So, we see some of her important life events coincided with Venus going retrograde or conjoining the Sun… although in her case, it all took place in signs other than Taurus, interestingly.

DIFFERENT SIDES OF VENUS CAZIMI AND IT'S COMBUSTION

Okay but timing aside… let's look at a couple of other examples of people being born with Venus in the heart of the Sun and see how it affected their lives.

Gordon Ramsey! This is one of my favorite examples of a Venus cazimi because it's not stereotypically obvious. Gordon wasn't necessarily endowed with beauty and charm but let's not forget that Venus rules food, pleasure and taste! His natal conjunction falls in… Scorpio. This is probably where his prickly nature comes from. Venus is also presence and he became one of the most recognizeable and charismatic tv personalities of the recent decades.

Princess of Monaco, Charlene, was also born with Venus cazimi that landed on her MC. Her ascendant is in Taurus so Venus exalted her as a person and literally put her on a royal throne through marriage with Prince Albert. Sun rules her 4th house of family so that brings in the family aspect to the mix. Unfortunately, Venus cazimi doesn't have to mean luck in love. She has other stuff in her chart that indicate pain and struggles, like her Moon being besieged by Mars and Saturn. She was labelled as the saddest bride in history as she got married after news broke that her soon-to-be husband was having affairs left and right (she tried to escape the country 3 times, allegedly and cried during their wedding). She's with his ugly ass to this day. What's important to note is that her Venus is still in the same degree as the Sun although it passed the 0°17' mark - does Venus really get combust at that point and is this also the reason for her partner's hidden secrets?

Interestingly, her time twin is Ukraine's president Zelenskyy - they were born on the same day (!!!) and have ascendants in neighbouring signs (he's a Gemini rising). It's safe to say they have a similar experience as being the face of politics (it's the Sun's throne but also Venus rules diplomacy and riches). Additionally, Zelenskyy used to be an actor - another venusian career. And just like Charlene, depending on the school of thought, his Venus is already combust and there are themes of suspected hidden "backstage" activity he was accused for for a few years now. Could that be a combust Venus' doings as well? What's certain though is that the conjunction did endow him with likeability and composure either way.

OK BUT WHAT ABOUT ROMANCE?

I know you're all asking: but what about love? It is commonly said that number one rule during a Venus retrograde is to stay away from new relationships as they may end quicker than they started (or, quicker than Venus goes direct again that is). Honestly? I'd say no to that and although it may be that people from the past may come back during that period for a brief fling, if you find someone new during the retrograde and you feel there's substance to it, that might be your long-term destiny indeed. Just like we've seen with Dua and Ella, starting something on a retrograde may actually produce good results. Do keep in mind though that you may be putting a timer on that relationship. Also, the relationship may be a bit frowned upon so take that into consideration.

To top it all off, you know who got together during Venus retrograde? Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Their romance started in 2004 when our lovely benefic was retrograde in Gemini (fitting as Angelina is a Gemini while Brad is the sister sign - Sagittarius). Brad was still with Jennifer Aniston so that was scandalous indeed. But that didn't stop them and they quickly became the it couple everyone was swooning over. 4 years later their twins were born (right after the retrograde). 4 more years later - they got engaged (right before the retrograde). Another 4? Angelina filed for divorce. And this is how two whole Venus synodic cycles later Brangelina ceased to exist. That's some impressive astrology right there.

[azulcrescent]

Aromanticism is a spectrum, and there are lots of ways to experience and view romance and non-romance. Personally, being grayaromantic, I know what romantic attraction feels like, since I did have a crush on someone once. It had all the hallmark traits of a crush: butterfly feelings in my stomach, thinking about them a lot, almost accidentally kissing them in front of everyone because I wanted to put my mouth on their mouth so badly…

And yet, now that it's been nearly 10 years since then, it's bizarre to me that I ever had those feelings at all. It's confusing to me that other people will just look at someone and feel that way, and have that be a recurring thing that happens to them all the time apparently? I have no idea how often people normally get new crushes, or how long it takes for old ones retire, since mine happened only the one time and it took me about 2 years before I was finally over it (we never dated, it was only ever a one-sided crush)

I have mistaken strong platonic feelings for romantic feelings before. But then I would compare it to the crush I had, and realize that it doesn't have any of the same desires attached to it. I feel happy and excited about having a new friend that I get to learn more about, potentially even bordering on queerplatonic feelings, but the idea of kissing them isn't something I'd go out of my way to try and get.

I do have to work pretty hard to maintain friendships, by regularly reaching out to people. Since a lot of people who have a partner get most of their socialization from being with their partner, they don't prioritize friendships in the same way that an aromantic person would. (Not saying that alloromantic people have less friends or that they don't care about them, just making a generalized statement about my observations in how allos and aros handle friendships)

I hope this helps!

That's very fascinating, thank you. I guess you have a point of reference for what romantic attraction feels like since it has happened before, but not since then. And that's a good point about how non-asexual people tend to get most of their socialization from their partners ahaha. whenever a friend in my friend group gets a partner we're like "ah, so they're not gonna show up for gaming anymore" haha.

Thanks again for sharing, and yes, it helps!

[technicolouredmonochrome]

so i've been falling down the danmei productions (chinese censored productions of BL novels) rabbit hole and i've figured out the basic BL starter pack:

1. BANTER. the two protagonists need to make a ton of thinly veiled jokes at each other about being in love. because censors! so in order to get any of it aired it's all gotta be nudge nudge wink wink. let me insert an episode where everyone suddenly acts out of character due to magic! or let me make the shameless one dress as a woman for an episode! they will find any and every way to let the two leads f l i r t and make us all wonder: why don't these two just get married already?

2. YEARNING. because if one half of our main couple has not waited at least 10 years for the other to either show up in their life or resurrect from the dead, are they really in love?

3. OPPOSITES ATTRACT. we need the flirty one! endlessly grinning and touching and teasing the silent one! and the cold quiet one is only soft for the sunshine one! how else can we know that their love is true!

4. SUFFERING. and i mean SUFFERING. dead parents. entire families annihilated. torture. tragic backstories abound. these men have never known happiness until they've met their other half. and then all they want to do is watch the world burn together. (and can we really blame them for that?)

5. ACTS OF ("brotherly") LOVE. they were brothers, historians would say, but they're almost always nearly dying for each other, and longing after each other, and siding with each other against the entire world.

5.1 OH BUT THEY WERE IN LOVE IN LOVE. there's gotta be at least one scene somewhere when our two main protagonists speculate about their possible future together. especially if it's just before some incredibly terrifyingly intense climax of the story (where one of our leads may *gasps* die) they talk about running a noodle shop together, or roaming the world together, or travelling from town to town fighting crime together.

5.2 AND THEY WERE SOULMATES. the word soulmates comes up somewhere. it technically translates to confidant (or person who knows me) but. if the translators decide to subtitle it as soulmate who am i to tell them otherwise.

6. FOUND FAMILY. they also have to adopt a kid who's gonna follow them through their adventures. sometimes it's two kids, sometimes it's a whole baseball team of children (of all ages and genders, they are incredibly inclusive on this point in this way). these kids are going to represent every single viewer, watching the main leads flirt while wondering, why don't i have two dads? why must one always go away and leave me behind? why is it always the rich dad that's gotta go? please come back and feed me and my poor papa we are starving rich dad.

i could keep going but these are the main requirements in our basic chinese BL novel adaptation starter packs. oh also most of the budget goes into hiring the two most attractive main leads possible and you get to watch as the cgi gets worse episode after episode as the show loses funding through its run. but it doesn't matter because these two men are clearly in love and i'm still 100% here for it.

[sugurusdiscordmoderator]

Captain Levi One Shot

A/N : Takes place like 10 years before the AOT universe, please don’t fact check my shit I know some of it doesn’t line up with cannon lmao. In this Petra is not yet a part of squad Levi.

I’m thinking about doing a series of one shots for this version of Levi x reader but would love some feedback!

26f reader x 29m captain Levi

content warning: alcohol , hangover vomiting (so sorry), blood, minor injuries, masturbation (both f and m)

—

You had worked so damn hard. You had worked so hard for almost 10 years to get where you are.

Graduating as a part of the 95th corps of cadets, (#3 in your class none the less), you took on the challenge joining the scouts. You took on the challenge of knowing your best friends, your adopted family, would die. You could’ve had a cushy life as an MP and never lay an eye on a titan but no, you just had to be brave.

10 years is a long time to last as a scout. Only a few have lasted longer and you’re wondering when it’ll be your turn. You’re nearly 26 at this point, are you going to have to slow down?

Your superiors decided to throw you a party for hitting the 10 year mark. A get together at a pub in town that closed for an evening to be private for all scouts and military that wanted to come. The ones left of your cadet class came, plus most of the scouts since you were a friendly face and a great mentor.

Hange and Petra were two of your closest friends, they made you a cake! Everyone else was buying you drinks and having a great time. You made your rounds to thank everyone for coming and say hi.

You go up to the table in the corner last, being the most intimidating of the group. Captain Erwin, and a few from his troop were seated including Miche, Gunther, Tomas, Eld, and Dieter. Oh, and the dark storm cloud in the corner, Levi. Captain Levi.

Something about that man, you can’t tell if it pissed you off or if you were attracted to his stormy look. He has only been in the scouts for a few years but, he has far surpassed everyone to earn the title of Captain and earn the special operations squad. He didn’t have a ton of respect as a leader, considering his past which always came about in hushed whispers and stolen glances.

“Ah Miss L/N!” Erwin booms as he watches you approach the table “the celebrity of the evening has graced us with her presence!” Yeah, he’s definitely had a few drinks. You give most of the table a hug before Erwin booms “Excuse me,,, Excuse Me! Yeah I’d like to make a toast to celebrate one amazing scout, y/n l/n”

He turns you around to face everyone in the pub and you catch Levi’s eye for a second, letting a soft smile show. Your drinks and shots everyone had been buying you are catching up and you catch yourself blushing at Levi’s lingering eyes on you. If only you knew why.

As Erwin goes on a great toast speech about how much you’ve grown in 10 years, how great you are, etc. you can’t help but feel immense pride, something you’re not used to as a rather insecure person. Then your attention gets roped back in as Erwin places his hands on your shoulders give you a little shake like a proud dad.

“So to finish my toast, I want to congratulate miss l/n on becoming the newest member of the special operations squad under captain Levi.”

Your jaw drops as the pub errupts in loud cheers turning around to give Erwin a huge hug, since he is the highest rank here commander shadis must have trusted him with this information.

The raven haired stoic man stands up from his seat and comes closer to you and gives you a crisp salute which you mirror back. Probably not as crisp with the way you feel a little wavy. He then sticks his hand out for a handshake as you grab ahold he speaks, “welcome to the team kid.”

You smile at him “Thank you sir! The pleasure is mine!” He’s going to teach you to be less formal with him eventually but appreciates your response for the time being.

You are both surprised at your impulsive decision of deciding to wrap your arms around his neck, giving him an enthusiastic hug. You swear you feel his chest let out a chuckle but hear him grunt, “tch, get off”. You pull away ready to apologize but see a little smirk on his face as he sits back down. All of Erwin’s table saw the encounter and chose to avoid eye contact. As you giddy-ly ran over to Hange and Petra to celebrate.

The rest of the night consisted of singing, dancing, drink-offs with some of the men, and if you weren’t crazy you could’ve sworn Levi was keeping a close eye on you.

Once closing time hits you and some of the scouts you were close with stumbled back to your base. Levi, Erwin, and Miche suspiciously decided to leave just as you were. Following not too closely behind you.

—

As you get back to your room and ready for bed you stumble a little as you put on your pajamas of a tshirt, no bra, and booty shorts. You’re humming to yourself as you put the uniform from today aside to wash and about to crawl in your bed that looks soooo comfy when

*knock knock knock* gently taps on your door

Assuming it is Petra or Hange drunk you giggle walking up to the door. You swing open the old wood, creaking to your surprise is your new captain.

“Soldier. Sorry for stopping uh unannounced. I wanted to give you this since you looked like you had fun tonight. Integration starts tomorrow at 8 AM.”

You form a salute, right hand over your breast as your dainty nipples show through your white tshirt. He pretends not to notice, suppressing the urge to look at your body he has never seen outside of uniform.

“Thank you captain. I hope you sleep well. Goodnight,” your voice sounds like silk although raspy from singing and yelling all night. Nobody has ever wished him a good nights sleep and he is a little dumbfounded. “Goodnight l/n” he whispers as you gently shut the door on him.

He brought you fruit and some water in a nice basket, surely that will help with your hangover that you’ll have to figure out by 8 am. You think of all the things people whisper about Captain Levi, how he’s a heartless monster, incapable of feelings, barely human. You can’t believe them and decide to put your utmost respect into your captain, wondering how he put together something special like this in such a short notice.

—

The next morning you are awake at the break of daylight, about 7 am. This gives you an hour to get cleaned up eat and get to the training grounds, but god do you feel like shit. As you’re about to get in the shower you feel your stomach bubbling and make it just in time to the bucket to throw up. Well throwing up sucks, but at least you feel a tiny bit better. You get a rather quick shower and throw your hair into a low bun with some pieces sticking out and put on your uniform. Eating an apple and drinking water that Levi brought you in the early hours of the morning. You decide ultimately that this is your fault for drinking too much, and hope since it is the first day of integration Levi would take it easy on you.

Oh, how you were so wrong.

“L/n, you look like shit.” Your captain spits harshly.

“My apologies captain.” You say not looking him directly in the eyes with your hand over chest in salute.

“10 laps around the field to get started.” Oh god you have to run while hungover, but you can’t tell him no. Maybe this is some type of test to him? He knows how much you drank last night because he was keeping a watchful eye on his new team member. You begin running as Miche and Levi chat, quietly enough you can’t hear them over the pounding in your head.

Just as you hit the sixth lap you feel a bubbling in your tummy again. Oh no, not in front of him. Before you can even try to hide it, you’re doubled over throwing up the rest of the contents in your stomach.

And then, silence. No Miche and Levi chatting, no background noise from the base, just silence. This has to be a test. He wants to see if you’ll keep going or give up on the very first exercise. You use the backside of your jacket sleeve to wipe your face and begin the 6th lap. You’re half done, just push through.

As someone who typically doesn’t struggle too much with running you are shocked at your inability to hold yourself to a high standard this morning. You nearly collapsed as you finished the 10th lap. Bent over with your hands on your knees you wait for Captain Levi to address you.

“Next you’ll be timed on your ODM gear maneuvering through the dummies.” Your face goes pale at the thought of flying through the air right now, but you don’t have a choice. “Yes sir” you respond breathlessly standing up fully again.

You don’t notice the goosebumps that appear on Levi’s skin when you call him Sir or Captain, and he tries to ignore them. Watching as you strap on your ODM gear as you struggle with a particular thigh strap, he sulks over, looking down at your gear. Your big eyes look back up at him, still fumbling your fingers at the same time.

“Here,” he takes over where your hands were, grasping the leather straps tightly and fastening it together so that it squeezes your nice thighs just enough.

“You look like shit,” he says lowly, finally making eye contact with you.

“I’m so sorry sir, is there something wrong with my uniform? How can I fix it?” You ask like a good subordinate.

“Don’t drink the night before training.” He says turning around not looking at you anymore.

You scoff in disbelief at his words, and he waits for your next move.

“My apologies again Captain, but I was not aware of my promotion until last night and not aware of this training until I was already home from the pub. I think it’s rather unfair to-” you’re cut off by the lightning quick movements of the captain who is now gripping your collar of your uniform jacket, almost lifting you off your seat.

“Rule number one - don’t talk back to me” he growls inches from your face.

“Rule number two - always be prepared as a part of squad Levi. We are the special operations squad for a reason, we could leave at a moments notice.”

“Rule number three - you must always look and act your best for training.”

All the while he spoke down to you staring into your eyes. You didn’t dare looking away from the steel gray eyes boring into yours. “Yes sir” you squeak out. He drops your shirt collar, brushing off the wrinkles he just created. And your ass collided back down with the bench you were sitting on. He begins to walk away with a “I’ll be waiting” as he heads towards the wooded area of the training grounds.

You’re trying to wrap your head around what just happened and how your superior talked to you like that when most of this was out of your control completely.

It was then you realized this morning was all one big test. To see how much you needed to be broken down in order for him to build you back up and form you into one of his soldiers.

But you didn’t ask for this promotion, you didn’t receive a warning, you didn’t even get to say bye to your old squad leader.

You try your best to hold your head high, cleaning your blades as you walk in the directly Levi walked a minute ago. Trying to push down all of the demons punishing you for your actions from last night. Mentally you need to get with it if you’re going to prove yourself to Levi this morning that you’re fit to be a part of his squad. You don’t think he’s ever watched you before, at least not in battle, per your knowledge. The last thing you need is him thinking you are a weak link in his group.

You finally approach him at the beginning of the course, trying to maintain cool headedness and confidence. After all you’ve done this course thousands of times over 10 years in the scouts. I mean, they change it sometimes but not by a whole lot.

Not even looking over at you Captain Levi says “I’ll start the stopwatch when you start going. Miche is on the other side to signal a flare once you make it to the end.”

You nod to your self, stretching your back and neck a little before you go. You bound off the ground propelling with as much speed as you can. Your technique is a little different from most, whereas you don’t necessarily have as much speed as you do strength. Your cuts are so deep and clean on the nape of the titan that you are sure fire a kill if you can just get there. You move easily from side to side due to your core strength and kind of look like a mix of a ballerina and a ninja on your good days. Your technique is just weird enough they don’t let you help teach the new recruits.

Flying, adjusting to the new dummies that pop up, it actually feels pretty nice and comforting to help your hangover. You finish the course with ease but your ODM gear fails to hook on one side as you hit the last row of trees. You’re thrown off balance and end up hitting the tree Miche was leaning on with a thud. Luckily, as soon as you made contact Miche shot the flare so you would get a better time, but you lay on the ground groaning. A little blood dripping out of your eyebrow and nose, and cuts on the arms of your uniform.

Levi had already begun swinging to where the ending point was but began speeding up after he ended the timer. He landed on his feet so elegantly and precise, making Miche laugh. Neither of the men helped you up for a minute as you laid there with your hand over your face, red from embarrassment but reminding you that you may throw up again or pass out at any moment.

“3 minutes 9 seconds. Not bad for…your current condition” he says leaning down to look at your face. “You’ll be doing this again when you’re through with your hangover, and I expect it to be spotless. With a much better landing.”

“Yes captain,” you groan. Not being able to hold yourself together much at this point. He grabs a cloth out of his pocket and hands it to you. You do your best to clean the eyebrow and whatever nose wound you have, it may very well be broken.

“Up next is hand to hand combat. Since you are already torn up, I’ll let you chose who you fight against rather than myself, but it has to be someone from the squad.”

The rest of the team was finishing up breakfast walking out to the grounds that hand to hand combat training usually takes place. You were supposed to meet the team and then get your ass handed to you by Levi, but I guess he’s feeling nice watching you try to twist your nose back to its original place. As you finally stand up off the hard ground you stumble a few steps before bending over to throw up one last time. Levi happened to catch you off balance and patted your back while you dry heaved a little.

Levi, the clean freak, comforting you? After you just fucked up your integration training? You brush it off and size up your potential opponents as you want over. You then realize, you’re the first woman to be a part of squad Levi . Is that why the captain is making you do all this? A sexist power move to make you feel inferior to the rest?

The squad is chatting as the three of you walk up to them and fall silent, all eyes on you. Levi brushes past you “everyone this is y/n l/n, she will be joining the special operations squad effective immediately. Right now she is sizing all of you up to see who she can handle in hand to hand combat.” You do your best to remain confident and not shy away as all the well accomplished men look over to you.

“Captain Levi” you pipe up with less courage than you thought you had.

“Yes?” He raises an eyebrow at you.

“I want to go against you, Captain.”

The whole crowd of men goes silent, they think you have a death wish or maybe you already hit your head too hard given the dried blood already on your face.

“Fair enough l/n, I’ll give you a few minutes to get ready.” He takes off his uniform cape and jacket and set it neatly down next to where all the men are standing. You are busy unstrapping your ODM gear, moving to the side so you can set it down gently. You sign when you take all of it off, feeling 15 pounds lighter. You following Levi’s suit, you take off your uniform jacket as well.

This leaves both of you in your white button up shirts. You size Levi up and down, trying to determine when his weak spots are. You see the way his biceps move under the tight shirt as he undoes his cravat. The men of squad Levi are still just men, most of them looking at the way some of the buttons on the chest of your shirt are a little too snug so to your growing tits. You note to yourself to get the next size up shirt when you feel this happen.

You and Levi both walk to the center of the training grounds with most of squad Levi surrounding and a few others that happened to be walking around on this crisp Saturday morning. Levi gets settled in a fighting stance and you follow as he does. “Begin” he says in his low emotionless voice. You step closer to him to begin throwing attacks towards his upper body, most getting blocked but an attempt to elbow his side proved efficient. He throws a series of hits towards you and you manage to dodge a few of them, but are struggling to breathe after a solid punch to the stomach. You think this is a pretty fair match up until he says “tch is that all you have? I’m getting bored.” He speeds up his hit combos, giving you less time in between to recover as you do your best to land a kick on him. His reaction time is way better than yours, grabbing your right ankle and flipping you through the air to have you fall onto your back. You see stars as your head collides with the ground. He has not rendered you out yet, grabbing your arm and twisting it go go behind your back, using the fake little dagger they use for training and press it to your neck. Luckily, you both were facing away from the crowd of people.

“You really thought you could take me? I even gave you the option to fight someone else and you were so cocky you thought you could beat me? Tch, your form and performance today disgusts me. Dismissed.”

Levi stands up and walks back towards the barracks by himself, not talking with anyone and rather pissy it seems. The men left there disperse as you lay on your back trying to fight back tears, your hands covering your face. As soon as the coast is clear Hange and Petra run to your side. “We were watching from the building to see what would happen… I’m so sorry y/n”

So embarrassed, the only reaction you have is to grunt as they help you stand and help you back over to where your room is.

You collapse as they help you get into your room, exhausted and defeated.

“Y/n… do you wanna talk about it?” Petra asks softly playing with your dirt filled hair, head hanging in your hands as your slouched up against your desk.

“Please, I love you guys just I need to be alone,” you say back to them, and without looking up you hear them shuffle out and close the door.

You sit there with your head racing, trying to figure out where you went wrong. Yes, you were drunk last night but you didn’t even do that on purpose! And he could’ve told you earlier in the night so you could’ve stopped drinking and went to bed earlier yes, but he didn’t? This had to be a sick test.

What if Levi didn’t know you were joining his squad and this was some plan from the higher ups? What if Captain Levi didn’t want you on his squad at all and was trying to punish you today?

What if this is some type of hazing to get into the squad? And if you show up the next day or last a week you pass?

Why did your ODM gear fail? It had never done that to you before.

And yet, you still couldn’t bring yourself to dislike the stoic man.

You gather the strength and your belongings and head to the showers. Not lifting your head, you walk blindly the hallways to the showers, having walked the same way for 5 years since your 5 year anniversary when you were given your upgraded room. As part of your promotion, you were given access to the superior showers, dedicated to veterans and officers. As you’re about to knock on the door to see if it is occupied, the door swings open.

Of course Captain Levi had just showered, because he had come inside earlier than you and didn’t have to sulk about his performance. You do your best to muster up a smile and move out of the way for him to leave. You can’t help but look over his sculpted shoulders and biceps, down to his chiseled abs, and the v-line with a happy trail up the middle connecting to the pristine white towel covering the rest.

“L/n,” he says with no emotion, “showers all yours.” He remains looking at your face, noting the eye bags and bloodshot eyes. You must have been crying after your performance today, he thinks to himself. Combined with the dried blood around your eyebrow and nose, he thinks you’ll need a long while in there to recupe.

You nod to him, he walks away and you can’t help but notice his little back dimples as well. You proceed with getting undressed and warming the shower up, ready to sit on the shower floor and cry more. Peeling off the dirty white shirt that will need scrubbed and feeling the cold air against your skin was like stripping off the fuck ups of this morning. You relax under the hot water, watching all the dirt and blood wash down the drain.

Your exhaustion and embarrassment from the morning take over and you begin to sob, crying like you never have before. Not even holding it back, if someone was walking past they surely could hear it. You’re not even sure what you’re technically upset about the most, but right now crying is just what helps. At this point you’re leaning on the tile, out of breath, hiccuping like a child that just finished screaming for their lost mother. You work up the strength to begin washing your long hair foaming shampoo into it and scrubbing. After conditioning and washing your body you are officially exhausted. Wrapping in your two towels and begin the walk back to your room which luckily wasn’t too far. Maybe that’s why Captain Levi also wore his towel leaving the shower.

As you return to your room you look at the fruit Levi brought you last night and sigh. Why would he do that just to kick your ass? You throw on some comfy clothes and crawl back in bed with wet hair, drifting off for a nap.

—

Waking in the early afternoon, you stretch and yawn as you climb out of bed. You begin getting dressed to go to dinner in some of your casual clothes, luckily you don’t have to wear your uniform on weekends. You opt for a button up baby blue flowy dress with a navy sweater over top and your non-work boots.

Assessing the damage of your face in the mirror, you notice the bruises forming around your eyebrow and your nose. You have some scrapes up and down your arms which is why you chose to wear the sweater over. Your body aches. After all the years you’ve spent as a scout you’ve hardly ever had injuries this bad. Never from training though.

As you’re about to head out the door you notice a letter slipped under your door. You assume it is a silly note from Hange trying to lighten your mood. Your grin fades as you see who has signed at the bottom.

“L/n,

Please come to my office after dinner to discuss your performance today.

Captain Levi”

Your stomach sinks. In all these years you’ve never been called to your superiors office. You slip the letter in your bra under your dress and begin to walk to go to dinner.

Luckily Hange and Petra are already seated and you try to slip in without anyone acknowledging you. Given the ass beating you received this morning with a lot of the scouts watching, they can’t help but grimace at your bruised face. You opt for some soup, bread, and vegetables and sit down avoiding eye contact of your peers. Hange and Petra go silent as they watch you take your first few bites.

“Y/n,” hange says gently, “you look awful.”

You do your best to fake a smile to her, pretending like nothing is wrong. “Y/n, please don’t pretend like you’re fine…we’re here to talk,” Petra adds.

“I am fine. I had a bad day of training and I was hungover. I am perfectly fine and will be better by Monday.” You snap back at the both of them. With that they decide to change the topic, and talk about events that are happening in the town square tomorrow. Something about a show and food vendors and lanterns, it’s supposed to be a pretty big deal.

“Do you want to go y/n?” Hange perks up, crossing her fingers that you’ll say yes.

“Maybe, hopefully tomorrow will be better than today.” You try regaining your positivity and friendliness everyone knows you for.

“Someone put a letter under my door while I was napping.” You suddenly change the topic. Petra and Hange look at you with eyebrows raised.

“Captain Levi wants to see me in his office after dinner,” you whisper so nobody around you can hear. “What if I’m getting kicked off for my performance today?”

“I’m sure that’s the last thing it is.” hange says rolling her eyes and taking a huge bite of her bread. Petra sighs, “y/n, don’t look but him and Erwin have been staring at you and whispering this whole dinner.”

Of course you look up to meet steel gray eyes looking back into your own. Instead of shying away you hold eye contact, letting him be the one to break first and turning to Miche on the other side of Erwin.

“I’m not some sad puppy. I’m not going to let one bad day in 10 years determine my future. If Captain Levi wants me to put up a fight, then so be it. Just because I’m the first girl on his squad doesn’t mean I’m going to sit back and take their shit.” You are gaining your confidence back and are not going to falter and beg Levi to let you stay.

“We got the old y/n back,” Hange taunts to Petra, nudging you in the arm. You smile and ask them, “so what are your plans for tonight?”

—

After dinner you head back to your room to put a little makeup on. If this meeting goes well maybe you’ll go into town with Hange and Petra for a girls night. You find yourself wanting to look pretty, just in case, although you never cared about that before.

Levi is more than likely in his office now, as you watched him get up to leave shortly after you had the eye contact stand off. His office and sleeping quarters are just down the hall from you. You push down the butterflies growing within your stomach and sweaty palms as you grow closer to the door. You decide to stand there for a few seconds to control how fast your heart is beating and regain your composure.

However, in the time you stand there you hear noises from inside his office.

Typically if Captain Levi is in, he leaves the door opened a crack so people can welcome themselves in, but this time his door is completely shut. You decide to lean your ear up to the door to see if you actually heard something inside his room. Groaning and a slick noise can be heard, and you immediately blush backing away as quietly as possible.

Before you decide to turn around and go back to your room, your curiosity gets the better of you. You return your ear up to the door. Does Captain Levi have a girl over? Is it someone in the scouts? Your mind wanders as you listen to his beautiful groans and…wait… he’s by himself. Oh my god he’s jacking himself off. You hear him sliding his hand over his cock repeatedly.

You know this is wrong, you know you should walk away and pretend this never happened. But yet, you find a different type of butterflies growing in your stomach now. Not the nervous ones, but the horny ones. You’ve never thought about the captain like this and you know you shouldn’t but his voice is so damn sexy.. and the way you saw the water drop off his body after his shower today… you can’t help but imagine what he looks like right now.

“….y/n…” you hear the faintest moan come through the door and all the color drains from your cheeks. Does he know you’re standing there? No there’s no way he could. He’s getting off thinking about you. But isn’t that kind of fucked up considering everything he put you through today? Maybe he’s attracted to you and that’s how you got on squad Levi and it wasn’t your skills at all.

Your brain grows foggy, not being able to focus on all the ‘what if’s’ anymore but only able to focus on the heat growing between your legs. The speed of his strokes and the frequency of his heavy breathing indicates he is getting close. You feel yourself clench around nothing and right when you’re about to leave you hear it again.

“Fuck, y/n…” so faintly yet you couldn’t have imagined it, not twice. You hear a deep groan as you assume is him spilling his seed. Your mind can’t help wonder where he came, and what his cock looks like, and what he tastes like.

With that you are walking away from his door as quietly as possible and hurriedly walking back to your own. As soon as you’ve made it to your room, your cheeks flushed and so horny you can’t think about anything else. You lock the door and throw yourself onto the bed, pulling up your dress around your waist and lowering your panties. You haven’t relieved yourself in so long and you haven’t been touched by someone else in a few weeks. You run your delicate fingers up and down your slit gathering your wetness to spread it around your clit. Rubbing in small circles you let out a meek moan. The only thing taking up space in your horny brain right now is Captain Levi and the past 10 minutes that took place. You start pushing two fingers in and out of your tight hole thinking if it was him fingering you how it would feel. Would he talk down to you like he did when you were training this morning? The thought of that turns you on to a whole new level. You continue to get yourself off when you hear a distant pair of footsteps in the hallway. You can’t be bothered by how foggy your brain is to care if someone hears you. The cute squelching noises your pussy is making would be enough to send any man over the edge. Your climax is building up so fast you don’t notice how the footsteps come to a stop outside of your door. After another minute of keeping up your movements your orgasm washes over you and you can’t help but let out a throaty “Leeviii” as you feel your back arch off the bed.

You put your panties back on, wiping your hands off on a towel in your room and are finally catching your breath when there is a soft knock on the door.

Good god, the footsteps in the hallway, did someone just hear all that? You look in the mirror to check yourself before opening the door. It looks like you just ran a mile with the way your chest is moving and the blush that creeps across your chest up to your cheeks.

You unlock and open the door to find Captain Levi standing there arms crossed. Trying to hide the mortified expression on your face as the reality sinks in of the past 30 minutes you stutter as you go to greet him, “Captain Levi! How can I help you?” Smiling at him with a glow on your face post orgasm.

“I believe you received the note to see me in my office after dinner,” he sternly responds not an emotion in his eyes. Surely if he had heard you he would’ve at least blushed or something?

“Oh y-yes Captain. I’m so sorry, I stopped by but you were-” you cut yourself off realizing what you were about to say. “Um your door was closed so I was going to stop by again in a few minutes,” you hurriedly finish your thoughts, not being able to maintain eye contact with your superior.

“Ah well, I’m free now so if you wouldn’t mind joining me.” If you’re not mistaken he just smirked at you? Is he playing mind games with you? No there’s no way he knew you were outside of his door, but maybe he did hear you moaning.

“Yes sir,” you follow behind him as he begins the walk to his office.

Either Captain Levi is the cockiest motherfucker in the scouts or he is absolutely oblivious. Or is he a master manipulator? All of your thoughts race as you approach his door again. All the meanwhile you think about how you still can’t hate him.

As you enter into his quaint office you take in the scent of tea spices, a well organized desk and bookshelf, and a small table. You notice a garbage can under the desk with tissues in it and can’t help but wonder…

“Can I offer you some tea?” He asks, walking over to a door on the other side of the room with a tea kettle. “Yes please,” you respond and he goes through the door, which must lead to his sleeping quarters and some type of stove to heat water.

“Please have a seat,” he motions to the small table that has some scouts paperwork on it as he enters back into the room. “It’ll take a few minutes for the water to heat.” You nod, sitting as you try to keep your nerves under control. He is walking around the near space tidying belongings and disappears in the next room again. He comes back with a blanket and some firewood. Lighting a fire in the small fireplace. He hands you the blanket, “‘m sorry it gets cold in here when the sun goes down.” You nod to him placing it on your lap as you hear the tea kettle boiling in the next room over. Does he do this when he meets with all his subordinates? Surely not…. Unless he is as nice as you suspected he was?

Captain Levi returns with a tray with two tea cups the boiling water and a variety of tea bags. “Would you like to pick?” He holds the selection out to you. “Whatever you recommend, I don’t know a lot about tea,” you try to lighten the room with a little giggle but his face remains stoic as he picks two of the same tea bags, setting them aside before placing the tea cups on the table, filling them with the hot water and placing the tea bags in the cups. He sits down at the seat next diagonal from you at the square table, so you both are facing the fire. He then grabs the blanket off your lap, spreading it out so it covers both of you. Everything he does is so calculated, and you are at the edge of your seat to find out more about him and what this meeting is about.

Captain Levi sips his tea first.

He sighs and states without looking at you, “I’m sorry about this morning.”

“Please sir, don’t apologize, I understand it was my fault and I will do better.” You do your best to keep a positive smile on your face even though he isn’t looking at you.

“Another thing about being on my team, don’t fucking lie to me. I’d rather you tell me you’re miserable and hate my guts than be fake to me.”

You are taken aback by his words, you have never heard a captain or high rank want to be addressed less formally. “I-I’m sorry?” You stutter out. He ignores your apology. “Our squad eats every meal together. We all have our rooms around the same area which won’t be a problem since you’re not too far from here anyways. We train 6 days a week unless there is a mission or some sort of order from the higher ups. I highly advise no more drinking and no more romantic involvement with any men..er women I guess.” Still not speaking directly at you he is just holding his tea cup to his lips, not by the handle but holding his hand over top the rim.

“Yes, Captain.” You nod, and he finally looks over to you, studying your face. You grow self conscious until he says, “How is your face feeling? That looked like quite the tumble.” You chuckle, touching your eyebrow. “I think it looks worse than it is. I think I was more embarrassed than anything,” you shrug taking a sip of your tea.

“I know you probably think I’m out to get you, given your experience this morning.” He says still looking in your eyes. Before he finishes his thought you cut him off, “oh not at all sir!”

Levi ignores your objection, continuing, “We have to be the best. I treat my team like brothers. We’ll I guess..erm..sister now too.” He looks away with what looks like a slight pinkness on his cheeks.

“You’ve been in the Scouts for longer than most of our team. You have a good head on your shoulders, I just need to make sure you can keep up with us physically. That’s why I wanted to see how your injuries were holding up this evening.”

You nod, as this feels like a mental game of chess. Captain Levi survived in the underground for years, he is calculated, sharp, even scary smart.

“I’d like for you to choose someone to practice your hand to hand combat skills with over the next few integration trainings. You were pretty good but you have to get great.”

“Yes Captain… would you mind helping me with it? I’d like to learn from the best.” You grin and blush up at him.

“Are you trying to kiss my ass L/n? It’s going to take a lot more than flattery to get on my good side.” He looks over at you with a slight smirk on his face and a playful tone, one of the first times you’ve ever seen him like this.

“Then what else would it take? To get on your good side?” You dare start flirting with your captain, feeling awfully bold and somewhat unhinged after all the events that have taken place today.

“You’ll have to figure that out yourself,” he says in a low, sultry tone as his eyes look from yours down to your lips and back. He reaches his hand over and you freeze, but he wipes off some tea from the corner of your lip and retreats his hand back.

“So I have to ask… since you said you stopped by earlier. I heard some footsteps approach my door while I was attending to some … personal matters.. and it seems they stopped and listened for a few minutes. You didn’t happen to see who it was did you?” Levi smirks staring at the fireplace, knowing he has caught you red handed as your face blushes hard.

“Next time, just knock. I could have used some assistance. It sounded like you needed some to,” he has a shit eating cocky grin, being the master manipulator he is looking over to you with your jaw dropped.

Link to part 2

[mcgnagallsarmy]

Top 10 Nick x Charlie fics I’ve read (Dec 2024)

forever and a day by flannelfeelings [T]

“Have I hurt you?” he gasps out, though he’s unable to release his grip. Charlie looks down at their intertwined hands, managing a small, humorless chuckle. “You’re absolutely mad, Nelson. You’ve got a broken ankle and you’re worried about holding my hand too hard?” (Nick gets injured during a rugby game when Charlie comes to visit for the weekend- fluff caretaking ensues)

Hurry Home by L56895 [T]

Nick Nelson is just trying to get home to his mum for Christmas. Unfortunately, he seems to be infuriating an attractive stranger every step of the way.

Narlie Waves by waveofyou [E]

A Heartstopper California AU where Nick (31) and the HS crew we know and love live in SoCal. Charlie (29) leaves his London office to work in San Diego for a year. Nellie makes a new puppy bestie. Nick is adorable teaching little first graders. Charlie looks hot playing the drums. Nick looks hot surfing. They…ahem…enjoy Nick’s pool…and shower…and balcony. The boys weirdly get snowed in at one point. In Southern California, go figure. Nick helps Charlie see that he's deserving of big, loud love from a certain golden retriever person. Charlie helps Nick to trust that his love is not conditional, that he's safe to fully express himself. A leaves falling, flower petals swirling story of queer love with a spectacular ocean view 🍂🌊🍂 ⚠️ This is NOT a slow burn. They feel the spark, follow it and make fire Any explicit sections are denoted with “🍂🔥🍂” Any triggering flashback, panic attack or detailed eating disorder moments with “🍂⚠️🍂” …so they can be skipped and the story still enjoyed- I’ve written it so no major plot is lost by skipping these sections ����🏻 Alternates between Charlie and Nick POV ♥️

Rugby Lad by sophisticatedyet [T]

Charlie thinks agreeing to join the Truham rugby team at the request of Mrs Singh is possibly the worst decision he’s ever made. Then Nick Nelson, the St John’s fly half, sweeps him off his feet (literally) and Charlie decides maybe rugby isn’t so bad. AKA: the Charlie and Nick are on rival rugby teams AU.

Speak my language by aprms [T]

Charlie is hopelessly in love with his best friend. He’s also not very good at picking up on hints. Four times Nick shows Charlie he loves him, and one time Charlie returns the favour. A love letter to love languages. Will be posting every day in the run up to Valentine's Day. ❤️

under the mistletoe by thetomkatwholived [T]

“And what exactly does me being nice to you entail in this context?” “Stay by my side the rest of the night. Go where I go. Can’t get me alone under the mistletoe if I’m never alone!” Nick grinned with pride, as if he had devised a foolproof plan. “So no different than what you two would have done anyway?” Tara smirked knowingly, and Charlie avoided her gaze. Or, Nick has to spend the party avoiding Higgs girls under the mistletoe, and Charlie has to spend the party pretending he doesn’t want to meet Nick under that same mistletoe.

you are the best thing in my life by kaalee [M]

It's Friday, Nick's mum is out, and the boys need a shower. Domestic things happen, the power goes out, they are very naked together, and they discover that they might have the best relationship ever.

What About Charlie? by properrugbynerd [T]

Nick Nelson has spent over half of his life being Charlie Spring’s best friend, and nearly just as long being prodded about Charlie’s love life. What happens when someone asks Nick if he will set him up with Charlie?

wherever i end up (with you in my arms) by kissmeinnewyork [T]

“Honestly,” Nick says, dumbfounded, “It’s like I’ve never been home alone before.” Charlie raises a bemused eyebrow. “Well.” Nick corrects himself, a little sheepish, handing him a piece of crumpled notepaper. “Home parentless, then, if we’re getting technical about it.” When Sarah goes on holiday, Nick and Charlie are left to play house. (A story about house rules, rom-coms, invisible strings and Charlie being Sarah's favourite son).

Wish You'd See You How I See You by CarleyT [E]

Nick has been having a hard time lately accepting compliments and believing he's deserving of the same love and care he gives to others. Charlie needs his boyfriend to see how wonderful he truly is.

[killerlittlerejects]

I MADE ANOTHER JEFF

That’s three personal interpretations of him now hsjsjsjsjs he’s still a work in process but I thought I’d share the stuff I came up with!

TW for: abuse, bullying and harassment, issues with mental illness and mentions of dead bodies /animal death

JEFFREE HOLLIES

- Eldest child, two years older then Liu

- Chinese heritage (Mandarin)

- Born with albinism

- autistic

- Femboy

- was a big old mama’s boy, Dad didn’t understand him all the time but he tried

AFTER PARENTS DEATH

- Parents dead when he was 12 and Liu was 10

- Were bounced around in foster homes for awhile until their aunt and uncle took them in

- Aunt is an abusive piece of shit, their uncle actually cares about them but is a pushover for his/is genuinely scared of his wife

- Jeff meets his variation of Nina, who’s full name is Clementina; he gave her the nickname

- starts developing psychosis when he’s 15-16 (later develops into schizophrenia)

HOW EVERYTHING WENT DOWN HILL

- His fascination with death grew and grew into an unhealthy obsession

- it was originally his way of coping with everything going on. The first time he killed (a rabbit in the woods), he felt bad about it. But it just kept happening and happening and he couldn’t stop

- Uncle managed to get him medication to try and help with his psychosis, but Jeff was refusing to take them. Besides Nina, his hallucinations were “the only friends he had”

- Relentlessly being bullied and harassed at school by Randy and his goons. Liu did his best to help, his Jane did too, but it just wasn’t enough

- Was starting to constantly get into fights, and it was noticeable he was taking too much joy in hurting people

- The breaking point was when he got cornered at a party one night and was beaten into a bloody pulp, and then Randy burned him

- Seeing his messed up face was what finally broke Jeff. His mother always complimented his looks, and she had albinism too. So seeing his hair nearly completely burned to a crisp made him feel like he lost the last piece of her he had

- With how things were going, Jeff always had the potential to end up this way. Randy was the factor that TOSSED him into that life

- I think we all knows what happens next

LIFE AS JEFF THE KILLER

- Mainly targets men, only targets women who remind him/look like his aunt

- because he’s got a more lean build and rounded features, he can easily pass as a woman

- He uses this to his advantage, cross dressing and going out to bars and other places to lure victims

- Only breaks into peoples houses when he’s desperate

- He is attracted to both men and women, but now leans more towards women cause he HEAVILY distrusts men because of Randy and his uncle

- Definitely treats his women victims nicer then the men, but is creepy about it

- nothing sexual, no. He will just keep the corpses around for awhile and treat them as dolls. Dressing them up and treating them like live puppets until they decay too much

- Continues to dye his hair black because he feels like he now doesn’t have any right to look like his mother at all; he’s a stain to her memory

[nffandomxo]

Forbidden love- 10

Rundown- Y/n couldn’t sleep which led to a night in the clinic. They celebrated their special day.

Warnings- not many, mainly swearing.

Notes- so I actually got really emotional writing this as a lot of the details in y/n’s labour are my personal experiences which made me emotional- even when it’s been 5 years since then. I also just want to thank everyone who’s interacted with this story! This is unfortunately the last chapter of this one as it didn’t end up being the way I wanted it to be. If anyone wants a potential part two/ extended story to this then feel free to drop me a comment and I’ll definitely consider it. Once again thank you to those who read this! 🫶

Throughout the night Y/n had tossed and turned a lot, she had no issues with falling asleep but around 2 am she was woken up by the baby kicking down on her bladder. She tried to go back to sleep but no matter what, she couldn’t, her stomach and back were hurting and she just figured it was the baby shifting around. She ended up just laying in the bed for a while, looking at Negan peacefully sleeping. She didn’t want to wake him, he deserved the peace, he probably hadn’t slept properly all week with him being out of Alexandria on the scavenging trip.

She’d spent around 40 minutes trying to get back to sleep and nothing was working, so she decided to go for a walk around Alexandria. She quietly pulled on some joggers over the boxers she was wearing, they sat just below her bump but it was the best thing she could get at the minute. Once she was ready she grabbed her diary from the kitchen counter and walked out of the house. She thought that maybe a walk and some writing near the pond would help her clear her mind a bit so she could sleep.

It was a cold night, Alexandria was almost pitch black apart from a few spot lights that surrounded the gates. They tried to keep all the lights to a minimum during the night so that it wouldn’t attract any trouble, that’s why everyone had a torch to use while they were walking around. Y/n held the torch to her side as she slowly walked over to the bench. She sat down and opened her book, just looking at the empty page in front of her. Nothing was coming to mind, she just thought “people are assholes.” So that’s what she started with, writing didn’t seem the same anymore, it didn’t give her the release like it did when she was younger. Now that there were monsters walking around the world, it was better to just take her anger out on them, killing two birds with one stone, she gets to calm down and then there’s less walkers in the world. A win, win. Some people see that as sick, but the world was sick. Killing them few walkers earlier calmed her down a lot, and she knew that writing just wouldn’t have the same effect, it would have calmed her for a bit, but then she’d just start getting more wound up again.

Y/n felt a sharp pain in her lower abdomen. She bit her lip and rubbed her abdomen, in hopes to soothe herself. “Not now baby… you’re not ready.” Although there was no official way to track her due date, the doctors had assumed that when she found out she was pregnant, she was around the 4 week mark, so from that point they continued to count weekly, she was currently around 35 weeks. There was a chance she was a lot more or less but they said to be careful around 37 weeks, meaning she was still 2 weeks away from that point. She took a deep breath and decided it was probably best to walk back. It took her nearly double the amount of time it did for her to walk back due to having to stop every few minutes as the tightness of her stomach continued. It wasn’t an excruciating pain, but it definitely started to get worse. She was at the bottom of the road where her house was, when she heard someone yelling her name over and over again. It was pitch black so she couldn’t see who it was but it sounded like Negan but when she left he was flat out.

“I’m here.” Y/n winced out a little as the pain had came back. She switched the torch on so whoever it was could see her. When the figure approached her, it was indeed Negan. He was in nothing but his boxers and socks. He quickly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest. She laughed a little and looked up at him. He looked terrified, he looked like he was about to cry. “Hey… what’s going on.” She cupped his face and bit down on her bottom lip to try and distract herself from the pain.

“I just—- I woke up and when you weren’t fucking there… I .. I just worry about you y/n, I thought you left.” Negan looked down at her with a thrown, she’d never seen him this upset before. She just gave him a reassuring smile and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him.

“I love you Negan Smith… I would never leave you… I just couldn’t sleep and ne—-“ y/n closed her eyes tightly as another pain came. Her hands pulled away from his face and down to hold the bottom of her bump. She knew that this couldn’t be right now, it definitely wasn’t just the pain of the baby kicking, this was something more. Negan stepped back for a second and observed her movements.

“Y/n, What’s happening?” There was panic in Negan’s voice. The last thing she needed right now was for him to panic, she was trying to avoid any panic at all costs.

“The baby’s coming… the baby’s definitely coming.” Y/n looked up to him, his panicked expression turned into a big goofy smile, he laughed a little and cupped her face to kiss her.

“You’re not fucking joking right? The baby’s coming? Like right now?” He was persistent, it just made her so happy to know she’s found a man that is going to truly love her and their baby forever. She knew he was going to be a good dad and his constant support made her feel like the luckiest girl in the world. His comment made her laugh a little and shake her head.

“Not like right now right now, but in the next few hours? Probably… i thought baby was just moving around but now im having on and of tightness… and from what Rosita told me, that’s how it starts” y/n was really uncomfortable, it’s not that it hurt too much, it was bearable just uncomfortable. “I guess that’s why they say don’t have sex when you’re about to pop.” They both laughed a little. The sex more than likely started the labour, she’d read about it in the pregnancy books that Negan had bought, but she never thought it would happen to her.

“Let’s get you to the clinic, get the doc on standby.” Negan held on to her hand as they walked to the clinic. Part of her didn’t believe that she was having the baby right now. She needed that clarification from the doctor before she started over thinking, for all she knew this could be another Braxton hicks episode. When she was around 27 weeks, she had a scare. She was getting a lot of cramps and thought she was losing the baby,luckily, it turned out to be Braxton hicks. But this felt different to that.

Just before they got to the clinic y/n stopped and squeezed Negan’s hand gently. She closed her eyes and tried to manage her breathing as another pain came, “another one?.” She just nodded. You could see that Negan felt bad for her, he was trying to comfort her by rubbing her arms, she appreciated everything that he did for her, even if it was a simple thing to help her. When the pain had started to wear off, they continued to walk to the clinic. Negan rang the bell and waited for someone to answer. It was the middle of the night so she didn’t expect anyone to run and jump for the door. Negan pressed it continuously, clearly getting frustrated.

“Baby… it’s the middle of the night, give them a second.” Y/n looked up at Negan and moved his hand away from the door bell. Eventually the doctor came down and opened the door for them.

“Y/n, Negan… is everything okay?” The doctor was wearing his pyjamas, his hair was messy and he had bags under his eyes.

“She’s in labour… Atleast she thinks it is.” Negan answered with a shrug and the doctor hurried them in. He urged y/n to sit down on the bed so he could examine her and time her contractions. The doctor had told Negan to keep track of how many contractions she was having and what the time gap was between each contraction. While they did this, the doctor went back to his room to change into something more appropriate and gather some bits.

“How are you feeling baby?” Negan held onto her hand and bought it up to his lips to give it a gentle kiss. She couldn’t lie, the pain had got a lot worse and a lot more frequent, but having Negan there made everything a little less scary.

“I’m okay… just… fuck… hurts a little… a lot” y/n laughed a little to try and distract herself, she shifted on the bed slightly and took a sip of water from the bottle that the doctor had gave her.

“Youre doing fuckin amazing Doll… I’m so proud of you already.” Negan never failed to make her happy, even now, over a year of officially being together and over a decade of knowing each other, she still got butterflies, she still had that excited feeling whenever she was around him.

“How we doing in here guys?” The doctor walked into the room that he had dedicated to Y/n. He looked over at Negan’s notes and raised a brow. “Wow okay… so your contractions are pretty close together, so I’m gonna have to check if you’re dilating okay. That’s gonna be one of the most important things here… I’m gonna do this by pushing my fingers inside your vagina and measuring the dilation. You may feel slightly uncomfortable but it’s important.”

Y/n felt really uncomfortable, she knew it was a natural thing but she hadn’t long had sex with Negan and she was feeling quite sensitive which probably didn’t help that she was now in labour. Negan kept his hand hooked with y/n’s as he eyed over the doctor taking y/ns pants and the boxers of her. She closed her eyes as he pushed his gloved fingers into her so he could see if she had dilated.

“Yep you’re definitely in active labour…6cm already!” The doctor removed his glove and stuck it in the bin. “All we do now is wait and see what happens. As for pain.. the most I can do for you is aspirin unfortunately… but you’re welcome to have that.” Y/n just shook her head and closed her eyes as she tried to relax. Negan had pulled the blanket over her exposed legs so she felt a bit more comfortable in the room.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything for the pain baby? “ Negan rubbed her cheek to try comfort her, she shook her head once more and held onto Negan’s hand tighter. She tried to keep her emotions held back but she just burst out crying. It wasn’t necessary a bad cry, she was in complete shock. She didn’t realise that she was actually having a baby until the doctor said she was in active labour. “Baby… what’s up.. “ negan stood up and slid only the bed with Y/n so he could wrap her in his arms.

Y/n just smiled into the cuddle and laughed a little bit as she still cried. “We’re having a baby… we’re really having a baby, it’s real.” She looked up to Negan with tears in her eyes but with a big smile. He shook his head and laughed a little. His goofy grin just made everything so much better.

“I love you so fucking much y/n… you’ve honestly gave me the best second chance.” Negan pressed a soft kiss against her lips before cuddling her close. Over the next few hours her contractions just got a lot worse, it got to the point where she was just in constant pain. Her waters had broken s few hours in and she could feel a lot of pressure. Her soft happy loving side had gone now and she just wanted to hit something over and over again.

“Get this fucking baby out of me!!” Y/n screamed as she felt the need to push. She had hold of one of Negan’s hands and squeezed it tight and the other one was pressing a cold flannel against her head. “I need to push… please I need to.” The doctor gave her the go signal and she pushed her chin to her chest and started to push as hard as she could.

“That’s it baby, you’re doing so well. A few more and our baby will be here okay…you’ve got this.” Negan was a good support system, it wasn’t hard to see that he was a gym coach in a previous life, his pep talks were always spot on. The doctor had everything ready for the baby, he was stood at the end of the bed waiting for y/n to welcome her baby into the world.

“A few more pushed y/n, the heads nearly out, this is the worst part okay.” The doctor tried to talk her through pushing at the correct times to avoid any ripping. He was right about this being the worst part, she was at the ring of fire which was absolute hell. With one more push the head was out and she now just needed to push the rest of the baby’s body out so that he could help urge the baby out.

Negan moved around to take a look at the birth of his baby and he immediately started crying, “oh my god y/n… they’re nearly out, one more push baby and it will all be worth it.” He looked up to y/n and went back to holding her hand as she took her last and finally push when her contraction hit. The doctor pulled the baby from her body and the room filled with little cries. In that moment nothing else mattered. She’d just given birth in the middle of an apocalypse and all of that just didn’t matter. The doctor did a quick check over and wiped some of the vernix and blood from the baby’s body before resting the baby onto Y/n’s bare chest for skin to skin contact.

“He’s a boy! I knew it” Negan shouted out exactly as he looked over at his baby and fiancée.

“Urm Negan… I think you’ll find that She’s a girl… that’s the erm… that’s the umbilical cord… congratulations on your daughter you two, Negan would you like to cut the cord.” The doctor laughed a little as he held out the scissors to cut the cord. Negan’s face dropped in embarrassment and y/n couldn’t help but laugh as she held her baby close to her body and Negan snipped the cord.

“Hi baby girl… I’m your mama.” The baby had lots of dark curly hair, that explains the heartburn that y/n suffered with. She was tiny, but perfect. When her mother held her close she settled down. Y/n couldn’t stop looking at her daughter, she was perfect, she was in complete awe of her. “She’s perfect.”

Negan nodded as he sat beside y/n and placed his arm around her shoulder and used his other hand to hold onto one of the baby’s arms, “she really is, just like her mama… y’know… I knew she was a girl. Kinda wanted a boy but deep down I knew.”

Y/n laughed and rolled her eyes playfully. “Yeah yeah, sure you did, you’ve been calling this little one a boy since them first kicks.” Y/n had never wanted to assume what she was having, she literally had no idea, but having a little girl just made sense. She had her personalised best friend for life.

“No seriously… I erm… that first trip we went on to gather some bits for the baby… I came across a baby grow with ‘daddy’s little princess’ on it, and I grabbed it.. I’ve avoided getting any thing about a boy because deep down I knew.. I’ve had it hidden in my drawer just in case she was a boy.” Negan’s expression and tone was actually really serious. Y/n looked up at him just smiling brightly, she was so in love with him, she didn’t think she could love him anymore, but the way he looked at their daughter, made her completely melt. “Can I hold her now?” Y/n nodded and carefully passed the baby over to Negan with the little blanket that was around her body while they did skin to skin contact. Negan sat back and carefully held the baby in his arms. “You’re fucking perfect… daddy’s perfect girl.”

“You’re gonna have to cut the swearing down y’know.” Y/n snickered a little as she tried to get comfortable in the bed. She was exhausted, she felt horrible from just giving birth, but seeing her little family together just made everything better. Negan held their daughter close to him, pressing soft kisses against her head. “I have a name… but I don’t know if you’d like it..” the name she picked may have been a bit sensitive for Negan, so she was on the fence wether to mention it to him or not.

“What is it?” Negan looked up to her and she could see that he had been crying.

“are you crying?” Y/n sat up slightly and leaned over the bed to wipe his tears from his face. He just shrugged and smiled as she looked back down to their daughter.

“It’s just a fucking emotional moment… my wife to be has just gave birth to the most perfect little girl, I never thought I’d ever have this moment.” Negan had a rough life, even worse when the apocalypse happened, he became the worst version of himself and just accepted that happiness wasn’t possible for him. “What’s the name.. I have no idea what we should call her, I’d just choice a shit name.”

Y/n took a deep breath and shifted on the bed, she felt a little uncomfortable bringing it up, but she hoped that maybe it would make him happy, “well I erm… I— what do you think of the maybe Lucy.. after Lucille, i know she meant a lot to you and she did to me too… maybe this could be a way of honouring her— or not I guess it’s a stupid idea, I just have no idea what to—“ y/n was cut off by Negan pressing a passionate lips against her lips. When she pulled away slightly there was a big smile on his face.

“You’d do that for me? I don’t want you thinking that every time I look at our daughter I’d think of my late wife..” Negan sat back on the edge of the bed as he talked to his fiancé.

“It’s not just for you, I think it would be a great way to keep her memory alive, and when she’s older we can tell her all about Lucille and how strong she was… plus I know that I’m the women in your life, I know that we are the only other people that you’re going love as much as you loved her, so if that gives you a positive reminder of her, then let’s call her Lucy… Lucy Belle Smith… after my mom?” Y/n shrugged and played with the ring on her finger as a distraction.

“Lucy Belle smith.. I think that’s perfect.” Negan looked down at their baby girl and smiled. She didn’t want this moment to end.

It was around 10am at this point, the sun was shining brightly through the clinic window, at this point no one apart from the doctor and Negan knew that she had even gone into labour. The doctor has came into the room shortly after their discussion to bring baby Lucy some clothes and a dipper. Y/n had gave the baby some breast milk before she’d got up to take a shower. Negan had helped her to shower while the doctor carried out some responsive newborn tests on Lucy. Y/n was feeling very fragile, her body was in agony and she was experiencing some bad after pains but on the other hand she felt like the luckiest girl in the world she had everything she ever wanted. After Negan helped her change into some fresh clothes, he sat behind her on the bed and brushed her hair for her.

“Thank you,” y/n smiled as she enjoyed the way that he took care of her after she gave birth to their daughter.

“For what? Taking care of my wife? I should be fuckin thanking you doll,” Negan chuckled a little and pressed a soft kiss on her shoulders before gently massaging them. She loved when he called her his wife, they hadn’t had a wedding yet, they were waiting for her to give birth before they did anything, father Gabriel had already said he would officiate it. Although there was nothing they could do to make it offical In this world, they still wanted to have a ‘special day’.

“To be… wife to be,” y/n laughed a little and turned around slightly to give him a quick kiss.

“Yeah well you’re still the mother to my child so either way I’ll always take care of you.” Negan got off the bed and grabbed y/ns shoes. He slid them on her feet and helped her stand up. “Let’s go get our baby girl and go home.” Y/n nodded and smiled as he lent forward to give her a kiss on the head. They walked back into the doctors main office area where Lucy was. She was dressed in a pink babygrow with a little bow hat.

“This little one has passed all the newborn tests… well the ones we can do, she weighs 6lb 1 oz” The doctor passed Lucy over to Negan and then some notes with the newborn results on to y/n.

“Thanks for taking care of my girls doc.” Negan shook the doctors hand and then held his little girl with both arms.

“Thank you, for everything… and I’m sorry for shouting at you when I was in labour.” Y/n laughed a little and the doctor gave her a smile.

“You’re both very welcome, it’s been a pleasure delivering Lucy, you’ll need to come for another check up in a week and then I’d like to see y/n in about 4-6 weeks for a post delivery appointment… until then, let me know if you need anything and congratulations.” The doctor walked them to the front door and waved them off.

As they walked out of the clinic they got a few funny looks but most people congratulated them on the birth of their baby. When they got to their house, Negan urged Y/n to sit down and relax. He helped her up the stairs to their bedroom and set everything up for her to lay down and sleep. She fed Lucy once more before she ended up having a little nap.

In the time that y/n was sleeping, Negan had started cleaning around the house and keeping an eye on Lucy as she also slept. He made some lunch for them all and set it in the fridge for when y/n woke up. Around 3 hours later Lucy had woken up with a cry, Negan made his way over and picked up his little girl to comfort her, “it’s okay, daddy’s here.” He rocked her gently to soothe her. Her dark eyes looked up at him when she had calmed down a little, he carefully carried her upstairs and walked into the room to see that y/n was still sleeping. He felt bad for waking her but Lucy needed feeding and he didn’t have the facilities to do that. “Hey mama… someone’s hungry.” Negan spoke in a soft gentle tone as y/n rubbed her eyes to wake up. She slowly shifted herself into a seated position and put her arms out for Lucy.

“How long have I been out?” Y/n took Lucy into her arms and lifted her top so she could start feeding her.

“Just a few hours, I’ve made lunch so I was thinking we could eat and if you’re up for it we could take a walk? The weathers really nice.” Negan sat beside y/n and gave her some water through a straw while she was feeding Lucy.

“Yeah.. that sounds nice, plus I should probably go and see Rosita.” Y/n had asked Rosita to be the baby’s god mother as y/n is also cocos god mother and in a world like this, they needed someone who they’d trust to be there incase anything happened to them. It was sad to think like that but to many people had lost their lives and left their children behind, just like what happened to Rick. He had left Judith and RJ behind.

“Well while you’re feeding Lucy, I’ll go and set that push chair up that we found.” Negan kissed y/n on the cheek before leaving the room. On one of Negans recent trips that Rosita had gone on too, they’d found a brand new push chair and bought it back to Alexandria for the baby as well as other supplies they’d need.

Y/n had spent around 10 minutes feeding Lucy, when she noticed that she had fallen asleep. She carefully pulled her away from her breast and climbed off the bed with her in her arms. She slid her sliders on and walked downstairs with Lucy to see if Negan needed any help, “hey baby… need a hand?”

Negan shook his head as he put the last few parts together. “You should have called me up, I would have helped you down.” He frowned a little as he stood up to give the pushchair a test push. “Perfect.”

“And risk waking our sleeping girl? No thanks, something tells me that we’re going to be in for a long night as it is.” Y/n laughed a little and laid baby Lucy down into the Carry cot. “You did good babe.” She stood on her tip toes to kiss Negan.

“Let’s go eat lunch while she’s still asleep” Negan smirked and took y/ns hand so he could lead her to the kitchen table.

They sat and ate lunch together before taking baby Lucy to go and meet their friends and what they classed as family. Every single one of their friends were in love with her. Judith was like a proud Aunty to Lucy and she even gave her the Angel teddy that y/n had found, she told her that she had looked after her long enough and it was time for her to look after Lucy. Coco loved being around another baby. Although there was nearly a year between them, y/n knew that they would be best friends. Negan and y/n were given a lot of advice from the other parents and a big lecture on parenting by Eugene, the same one that he’d given to Rosita when coco was a baby. But they did appreciate everyone’s help and support.

6 months later

The first few months of parenthood were very challenging, Y/n was exhausted from getting up and feeding Lucy all the time and Negan felt guilty for not being able to do as much as he could. Y/n would try and pump as much milk as she could so that Negan could help though the day, but the breastfeeding made her exhausted and dehydrated. Apart from that, Lucy was a good baby, she only really cried for her milk or a nappy change. Her appearance had started to really come into place and she did Infact have Negans hazel eyes as well as his dimples that they started to see whenever she would giggle. Now that she was 6 months Negan abd Y/n decided it was time to have their wedding. Rosita had gone on a trip to what used to be the local bridal shop, to see if there was any dresses that weren’t destroyed and they were lucky to find one that she had absolutely loved. They’d also managed to pick up a dress for Rosita, Judith, Lucy and coco. Seen as Judith was so close to y/n and Negan, They had asked her to be part of the wedding. Negan had managed to find a suit and some wedding bands for them. The children in Alexandria had picked some flowers for the bouquet and everything was perfect.

Y/n and Lucy stayed over at Rosita’s house the night before the wedding to keep that tradition alive. Michonne and Carol had gone over to Rosita’s to have a little celebration with y/n. They drank a few bottles of wine that were in a stash and just talked about story’s from before, stuff about how gym teacher Negan was, their relationship back then ect. It actually felt like the world hadn’t ended and they were just a group of best friends that were having a girls night, but in reality they probably would have never thought to talk to each other in the real world.

Negan had the house to himself and father Gabriel, Daryl and Arron had gone around to also celebrate with him, but it just felt like father Gabriel had made the other two go around and it wasn’t very great, they’d had some beers and talked a bit but for the most part, it was very awkward and he couldn’t wait for it to be over.

The day of the wedding soon rolled around and y/n couldn’t wait to finally be ‘married’ to Negan. Rosita had took charge of watching Lucy while y/n got herself ready. They’d found some makeup bits when they went for the dress so she decided to go all out with a nice makeup look and she clipped her hair up in a bun with a few bits of her hair stringing down at the front then her vail added. When she put the dress on she found herself looking in the mirror for a while. The dress was a beautiful A line sweeheart neck line, with a floral lace corset top with a flowy skirt, it was beautiful and she couldn’t imagine any other dress. The door opened and Rosita walked in with baby Lucy in her arms and Judith came in behind her, holding coco’s hand. The younger girls were wearing matching dresses with little bow headbands. Judith had a baby blue dress on to match Rosita.

“Oh y/n… you look beautiful” Rosita sat down on the edge of the bed with Lucy. “Doesn’t mama look beautiful… yes she does” she spoke in a baby voice to Lucy which caused her to giggle.

“You look like one of the princess’s from the story books!” Judith gave y/n a hug and passed over the bouquet that the children had made for her.

“Thank you… I think we made the right choice getting this one… you look like the real princess though Miss grimes.” Y/n smiled and held Judith’s hand so she could spin around. Y/n walked over to her and picked Lucy up. “Look at your dress! Your daddy is going to be blown away with how adorable you are my Lucy loo… and look at you miss coco!”

Socorro giggled as she span around showing her aunty y/n how her dress goes up, “pwetty!” She shouted up.

“It certainly is pretty, just like you.” With Y/n spare hand, she held coco’s as she span around.

“We should probably get going, it’s nearly 1pm.” Rosita stood up wearing the beautiful baby blue dress they had found for her.

The girls rushed around the house to grab a few last minute bits before heading over to the church, one of the members of Alexandria were in a band before the world ended so he’d agreed to play a tune on the guitar for y/n to walk down.

“You ready? This is a big moment.” Rosita nudged y/n slightly as they stood at the church doors.

“I’ve been ready for this moment since he got down on one knee.” Y/n smiled and gave her daughter a kiss on the head before passing her to Rosita.

“I think Negan’s going to cry.” Judith giggled a little, she was holding onto cocos hand infront of y/n and Rosita, they were walking in first together then Rosita would walk with y/n.

“I’d love to see that.” Rosita laughed as well and gave y/n a side hug as she had Lucy in her arms. “He’s definitely going to think you’re beautiful though.”

“I love you guys, so much. I know it’s not been easy having Negan around after the things he’s done, but it means the world to me that yous have gave him that second chance.” Y/n smiled softly. She was extremely greatful for everyone at Alexandria for giving him the chance. Especially Rosita.

“That’s the past, he’s had his punishment and it’s time to move along from that. He’s proved that he’s not that person anymore and we can all see how much he loves you and Lucy.” Rosita gave her a reassuring smile before she nodded to the door. “Let’s get this show on the road.” Rosita knocked on the door to let them know that they were ready. Two people opened the double doors to reveal the small church and most of Alexandria had gone to support them. Father Gabriel and Negan were stood at the top of the isle, once Negan turned around his eyes filled with tears. He was smiling so much which made his dimples stand out even more. He was clean shaven, hair slicked back and in a black suit with a baby blue tie that Rosita had insisted he had to wear so it would match the theme that y/n wanted. Judith and coco walked down the aisle first and y/n, Rosita and Lucy followed. Y/n was tearing up when she noticed that Negan was, he looked very handsome in his suit. As y/n and Rosita reached the top, Negan lent over to give Lucy a kiss on her head before taking y/ns hands.

“You… you look fucking amazing” Negan was shaking slightly, she could tell he was nervous but his eyes were full of love.

“Look at you… all dressed smart and handsome” y/n smirked and gave his hands a supportive squeeze.

“Are we ready guys?” Father Gabriel spoke up from between them. They both gave him a nod and he started the ceremony. “We welcome you here today to witness and celebrate the marriage of Negan Smith and Y/N y/l/n. This is not the beginning of a new relationship but an acknowledgment of the next chapter in their lives together. Negan and y/n have known each other for over a decade and spent the last two years reconnecting and building, what has became a beautiful relationship and a family. The circumstances that their love came around was unique and extremely difficult, but dispute the world we live in today, they’ve made it work and proved to many people that love will overcome any difficulties. Today, In front of the people they call family, they will make this special bond, official. I take it that you have your own vows? Y/n would you like to start.” Y/n and Negan were getting very emotional at Gabriel’s speech. It as a beautiful start to their ceremony.

Y/n took a deep breath and looked up at Negan as she began her vows. “Wow, so… I erm, I never… ever expected to get married in those world, never mind to the guy I worked with who I had a massive crush on.” Everyone laughed a little and a big grin appeared on Negan’s face. “But here we are, getting married and we have the most beautiful baby girl. Negan you’re my best friend, you’re the man that showed me what love is. I still get them butterflies whenever you’re near and my heart aches when you’re away. We were apart for so long, I think about our time away and wished that I’d never left that night, but I think we needed that time to grow, to make mistakes and find ourselves once again. I’m lucky to be one of the three girls you love the most. I’m thankful for Lucille for showing you how to love and to be a good husband. I’m thankful to god for showing me the path to you I’m a time that I needed it the most. And I’m thankful to you for showing me unconditional love and giving me the greatest gift of all. I promise to always love you, no matter what the world throws at us, no matter how many walkers, or snow storms. I will love you for the rest of my life, I will look after you till the end.” By the end of her speech there were tears falling down Negan’s cheeks.

“Fuck how am I gonna compete with that.” Negan wiped his eyes and chuckled slightly.

“That was beautiful Y/N… now Negan.” Father Gabriel turned and put his hand out to Negan.

“There’s not enough words to describe how much I fucking love you, you quite literally saved my life, without you believing in me and making me a better person, I wouldn’t be here today, I’d still be in that cell. When you came through that door I thought I had finally gone fucking insane, how was by best friend from before walking into my life at one of the lowest points. And then she smacked the shit outta my face and I knew it was real… she’s the one who believed in me before I could believe in myself. I hated the man I was, I was ashamed of myself and my life choices but I still continued to be an asshole because I had nothing left to lose, but Y/n, you gave me a reason to live. When we had that night together before everything, I never regretted it. I wished that it would have been under different circumstances… but now, now I have you all to myself, you gave my life meaning again, you helped me be a better person, you gave me my little girl and even dedicated her name to my late wife which for that I’m so fucking grateful for. You can be the biggest pain in the ass, you’re always keeping me on my fucking toes with your impulsivity but I wouldn’t change a damn thing about you. I just wish I could change the world for you. You deserve so much and I’m going to give you as much as I can. I love you Y/N Y/M/N Smith.” Negan cupped y/n’s face and wiped the tears that were falling down her cheeks.

“Thank you Negan… now, let’s get on to the next part… Do you Negan Smith take Y/N y/L/N to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good times and not so good times, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself unto her for as long as you both shall live?” Gabriel spoke up and looked at Negan.

“I so fucking do.” Negan smirked and both him and y/n laughed a little.

“Ever so charming Negan.” Gabriel cleared his throat and turned to y/n “Do you y/n y/l/n take Negan smith to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good times and not so good times, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself unto him for as long as you both shall live?”

“I do” y/n smiled brightly as she looked up at Negan.

“Judith, the rings please.” Gabriel smiles as Judith held out the box of rings for Y/n and Negan.

“Negan place the ring on y/n's finger and repeat after me: y/n, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love with the pledge: to love you today, tomorrow, always, and forever”

“y/n, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love with the pledge: to love you today, tomorrow, always, and forever” Negan slid the ring onto Y/Ns left hand, it was a beautiful v shaped ring that fit perfectly with her engagement Ring.

“And now...Y/n, place the ring on Negan's finger and repeat after me: Negan, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love with the pledge: to love you today, tomorrow, always, and forever”

“ Negan, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love with the pledge: to love you today, tomorrow, always, and forever” y/n slid the sliver plated ring onto Negan’s finger and smiled brightly.

“With the power infested in me, I now pronounce you, husband and wife, you may kiss the bride!” Gabriel stepped back so that y/n and Negan could share their kiss.

Negan wrapped his arms around his wife’s waist and kissed her passionately. All of their friends clapped and whistled as they celebrated their marriage.

“I love you so fucking much, Mrs smith” Negan smirked against her lips as he held her close.

“I love you too mr smith.” Y/n smiled and kissed him once more.

They spent the rest of their special day dancing and smiling with their closest friends and their baby girl. It was a lot better than she’d ever have imagined. The love between y/n and Negan was forbidden for so long, long before the world ended, but now their love story was something that people looked up to. A forbidden love is no more.

[sgiandubh]

Not your previous anon, so don't impel me. 😉

Interesting that you believe C to be a "very, very good actress" but S is a "gifted actor".

From what I've seen of both, I think that C was blessed with innate talent and her versatility is eye-catching.

S is good but not memorable. He doesn't command the screen. And, I say this after watching most of his projects. Outside OL, he hasn't impressed. To me, he's himself in all. Same facial tics that we've noticed since S1. After Suspect, I had little hope for TCND because the same director was in charge. Unfortunately I was right. S was no better than before. I'd advise him not to work with Dries Vos anymore. He's awful. At this point I'm not sure it's just the inferior roles S takes but that it has more to do with his limited acting abilities. After 10 years I hoped for better.

Dear Not Memorable Anon,

How ironic. A very recent comment I had the imprudence to post in one of my threads, basically wishing for 'more complex roles ' for S immediately attracted me an insult from someone (it does not matter who, but a shipper or rather a fencer, I should say), who thought I was a 'brainless moron'. I still do not understand why and I did explain what I meant.

I see great potential in S and you seem to forget the grueling schedule they have because of OL, forcing them to refuse a lot of pitched projects. Her choices were probably better oriented, bearing in mind that I only saw her in Belfast, outside OL, and was underwhelmed with the whole movie, but enthusiastic enough with her. As for him, let's say that When the Starlight Ends was a tragic BS all the way, but also a wonderful, totally disinterested gesture of kindness towards a personal friend. The rest, I am not interested to see and I still wish for that breakthrough movie project allowing him to: a) emancipate his image from (yes, fellow insulting blogger!) the very complex OL/JAMMF formula and b) explore something else than action movies with lots of muscle. TCND was not that bad, but not nearly good enough. Yet, he is still around and he works and people watched him. All these are very good news for a very volatile market, post strike. Oh, and I almost forgot about Love Again - haven't seen it and I suspect it is forgettable.

That being said, I hope you realize that all these opinions, mine and yours alike, are completely personal and subjective. On the other hand, any indicators measuring audience are exactly that: numbers and statistics. It's exactly like discussing a Jackson Pollock painting: you might think it's the cat's meow. However, I might also think it's someone who randomly kicked a bunch of cans with paint on a canvas. And then smeared everything with the demented energy of a 5 year old, left to his/her own devices:

So I am not going to impale you, Anon. My fellow, Vlad, here, might have, though:

Those guys were Ottoman envoys. It is a relief to be able to confirm, as a diplomat with a severe bout of insomnia, things did really change somewhat, since 1499.

Don't push your luck, though.

[rizaposting]

💜 and 💖 please!!!

Happy Monday~

Thank you for sending one of these! I'm going to try to be nicies even when I'm talking about my Hater Tendencies <:]

💜: Which character is way hotter than everyone else seems to think?

My obvious answer is Riza, like, sure, most people would agree that she's pretty or conventionally attractive but I don't think she has NEARLY as many simps as she deserves.

My less obvious answer is -inhales very loudly and dramatically- BREDA!!!! People are usually too busy being shitty about fat people to even realize that he's probably stronger than Armstrong (in a practical sense: strongmen and bodybuilders have incredibly different physiques and Breda is BUILT) and is super smart and would treat you right. I bet he has a fat hog too just saying WHAT who said that

💖: What is your biggest unpopular opinion about the series?

Ohh boy. FMAB is the worst iteration of FMA as a whole. People do not like when I say this because they think that I mean to say that it's bad and, no; as far as shonen anime goes it's GOOD! But it's still the weakest iteration. FMAB was never meant to be "THE definitive way to experience fma" like people treat it to be and it shows. The pacing was weird because it a) assumed you watched FMA03 already and b) was on a time crunch to sync up with the end of the manga, which is understandable but a huge detriment to it 10 years later. Easily should have had another season. Also imo it's ugly (especially in the earlier seasons) and I wish they had waited to product it until like 2013 or went with a different studio than Bones. 😔 If you LIKED FMAB I will beg and plead with you to read the manga because it's not very long, you can find it on MangaDex, and you will be surprised seeing what was changed or cut out entirely. You don't have to... but, I dunno, I've just never personally understood the mentality of "omg this is my favorite anime!!!! but I WON'T read the manga"....

I know there will be people pointing out my FMA03 bias, when some people would rank it lower than FMAB, but I would at least argue that FMA03 has it's own merit by having it's own identity that is uniquely it--if you want FMA03, you have to watch FMA03. For the "mangahood" canon, FMAB and the manga do the same thing, but the manga obviously does it better.

Obligatory disclaimer: You're very normal if you love FMAB. You're not a bad person and you don't have bad taste

[defira85]

OC Deep Dive Questions

Thank you @adorablebanite for the tag! I think you've tagged nearly everyone in the Gortash fandom so I won't double inflict it on people 🤣

We'll shock absolutely everyone and do Kassara

What common/uncommon fear do they have?

I think I've said before that her greatest fear is being alone - Daddy's plan for her to be the last one left at the end of the world is a fucking nightmare for her. That's his fault by making her a twin though, she's never been alone ever in her life even before Gorty Boy came on the scene

Uncommon fear, hmm... I don't know what constitutes uncommon for Toril and for a Bhaalspawn... there's a vain little piece of her that's terrified that Gortash won't find her attractive one day, that he'll wise up to her being a weirdly unnatural sentient blob of goo made from gore and not, you know, a person and he'll tell her she's disgusting... she got the Bhaalspawn breeding urges wrong and she's terrified of being a bad mother, do either of those count?

Do they have any pet peeves?

She hates cryptic bullshit. Withers is SO lucky Carmela and the rest of the extended party were around to moderate her temper. That's what you get after a decade or more of Sarevok and Sceleritas just mysteriously telling her she'll know what to do in order to resurrect Bhaal without giving her any fucking help in the matter at all. Be frank with her, or shut up

What are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

Soap - old habits die hard but she's always got some sort of rubbing alcohol or hand soap or something to get the worst off her hands. Lube - listen. She's in her late 30s at the time of the game. It's good to have a little help. Moisturiser - again, she's in her late 30s, her skin isn't as bouncy as it was 15 years ago, and that was before she underwent multiple autopsies and flensings at the hands of Kressa.

What do they notice first in a person?

Their pulse

On a scale from 1-10, how high is their pain tolerance?

Oh it's so high. Baby girl was born to relish in pain, her own and other peoples, but now she's older and spent six months on an autopsy table and now she has what the kids call chronic pain and so she's a little slower on the uptake than she used to be. Still a titan though, no matter what Ao says.

Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

It depends on the situation? If it's an active danger situation, she's fight all the way. If it's an emotional confrontation, you know she's going to burst into angry tears and run away

Do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

TWINSIES. Sarevok wasn't entirely sure that the ritual that created her in the Throne of Blood was foolproof, so he made a backup, and she got herself a twin brother. She and Heron were inseparable up until they got to the Bhaalist temple in their teens, at which point Sarevok instructed Orin and Sceleritas to immediately separate them and try to drive a wedge between them.

(Spoilers for KTMTB but she does want a big family, desperately. And she gets one, in the end)

What animal represents them best?

I vaguely recall answering this on another meme at some point and saying she was a white tiger, but I also think polar bear. Both big, chunky animals, plenty of fat on them, but you wouldn't question for a moment that they're wildly muscular and incredibly dangerous. Also, not uncommon to see a wild pale white woman covered in blood in the Lower City like a polar bear covered in seal blood running across the tundra

What is a smell they dislike?

Mint. She hates mint

Have they broken any bones?

Defira the Author has a Thing about broken bones (not quite a trigger, but bluh) so I tend to avoid writing them in my fics because they make me. Dizzy and such. But I am fairly certain that Bane broke one of her wing bones in Banehold when she turned up to fight him for Gortash's soul (she's got Ansur's soul, she's a draconic valkyrie at that point)

How would a stranger likely describe them?

Incredibly attractive but wildly unsettling. A smile that's bordering on unhinged at times. A stillness that makes you want to break into a sprint. You can tell you're in the presence of a predator.

Are they a night owl, or morning bird?

That's a good question, I never thought about it before, but I'm going to say Night Owl by necessity

What’s a flavour they hate and a flavour they love?

She hates mint. She loves vanilla and cherry blossom

Do they have any hobbies?

She really enjoys learning, and she'd probably be a career student if she could. She particularly loves the sciences and even some of her more dense volumes on astrophysics made the mathematician in Gortash bewildered

Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to surprise?

She'd be delighted! To some extent. Bhaalspawn are naturally inclined to avoid too much attention but she was always a diva. She loves having people fawn over her

Do they like to wear jewellery?

Her wedding ring almost never comes off post canon, and lbr she was wearing it constantly in the last few years before the game too (before it was technically a wedding ring). She's a glam bitch and she always did love to dress up so you know she's got entire cabinets full of stolen jewellery from her victims, she mixes and matches for her next gala appearance

Do they have neat or messy handwriting?

Immaculate handwriting, perfect calligraphy. She can replicate and imitate almost any handwriting she comes across though, she's a natural forger and mimic (well, we SAY natural, but it was drilled into her by repetition)

What are the two emotions they feel the most?

Pre-game canon: The urge versus a frustrated sense of yearning for a kind of normalcy that she could never have because that's not what she was made for

Game canon: A bubbling, seething, angry frustration because her body and her impulses scare her! They frustrate her!! What the fuck is her body doing!! As well as a yawning sense of horror and dread as the void in her head where her memories should be begins to look less like a void and more like a gaping chasm with something horrific at the bottom

Post-game canon: That lingering sense of dread and doubt that she has herself under control, far and away outweighed by her blissful delight at the happy ending she found

Do they have a favourite fabric?

I don't think she does actually... I think she likes Gortash's jacket, the texture of it and the smell of it... the way worn-in leather feels when it's been worn for years, and the layers and layers of body odour and sweat (my girl likes his musk, what can I say)

What kind of accent do they have?

I don't actually know what her real voice sounds like - there's so many layers to how she presents herself, the lives she's had to live from her first family to the orphanage to the second family to living on the streets to the Bhaalist temple... she's just a natural mimic, switching herself up to match the environment she's in.

She has a naturally very soft, higher pitched voice. Very girlish. It's another one of those things that makes people underestimate her. After waking up on the nautiloid she has a few months where she's quite husky because she's spent six months having her vocal chords either a) not used or b) being carefully flayed by Kressa to see how fast they regenerate with her titan blood so she sounds a bit more vampish after that. Still very soft spoken though

[tojustforart]

Lol, I'm a big supporter of "just delete and start fresh" if you are not vibing with something online. Don't like the social media app you are on? Delete your account and the app; don't stay on it if it is actively harming you/your mood. Cringing at all the stupid shit you said with a blog you've had for 10 years? Just start a new one. Don't like the crowd you've attracted with an account? Delete it and try again!! In real life you can remove yourself from situations you don't like (usually, not always i understand) so why treat your online presence as something you have to continuously utilize; especially ones you've had for such a long time that the person you were who started it isn't the same you now? Twitter back in like 2020 nearly killed my mental well-being and I was scared to delete it bc i was having good growth there with my art reaching people....but I deleted it and my well-being improved so much more. Nothing was truly lost, my work gets out and about on other sites, and I am not doom scrolling everyday. If you hate how you are engaging online, just change it.

[eggcompany]

I'm seeing too much stuff about fanfiction on tiktok, on here, on other platforms not to comment. I've been writing for nearly three years now which to some is AGES and to others is just beginning.

So let me lay it out.

I started writing when I was 16, struggling as a sophmore in high school, struggling with covid guidelines and the fear I felt as an immuno compromised person, and confused about who I was as a human person. I'd been reading fanfiction since I was 10, fascinated with sex and gender expression (I had free unrestricted internet acesss as a child). I'd been hopping from fandom to fandom, starting with popular ones that I didn't even know to ones I understood more and more. By the time I was 16, I was an expert. Clicking from link to link, bookmarking for later, filtering to the gods on ao3. I was confident sitting in the back of algebra II reading heavy smut on my cell phone.

By then I started reading newer fanfics, newer works with new words I'd never heard before when I read for fandoms that died back in the 2010's. Suddenly I wasn't a boy obsessed asexual genderfluid child. Suddenly I was an adult staring at myself in the mirror.

I had grown up on m/m writings, I was in love with the men on TV, I wanted the men from my shows and books. Suddenly I was an adult realizing that I attracted to men, that I wanted them. Suddenly I'm looking down at my hips and waist and chest and realizing that this wasn't the body I wanted pressed against another man's. Another man's. I wasn't in love with men as a girl or woman. I wasn't in love with women as a woman. I was in love with men as a man.

Tag by tag, reading and researching and reading more, I found the words, the resources, the culture. I was welcomed with open arms by those who'd been writing since I was born, by those in my same shoes, by those who were just happy to chat at 3am. I went from being alone in the world, by being so isolated I felt like no one would ever understand what I felt, to being apart of a community who loves me. A community who welcomed me, who praises me, who guides me, who loves me. I found a family who loves me as I am, no matter what I look like. I finally found a family who wants me.

I started writing and I found it almost therapeutic. As a real human person I am not just skin deep anymore. I'm more than that. I work through my issues through writing, I work through my feelings, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. And people understand. There is nothing more comforting than being understood.

Now I welcome new comers, I read untagged, horribly titled fics that are a few hundred words with messy smut scenes and awkward time skips.

And I love it. I love where I am, I love who I am, and I love everyone who helped me get here.