#nearly 10+ years of this just being the one person no ones attracted to

[ptsd-tiger]

why is it that every. fucking. group chat i've ever been in leads to everyone fucking each other. with me being the exception as the sole person no one lusts after

[cvlutos]

“No Nut November” Pt.1

| Repost: 01.10.23 | 1.3K | Mature |

NRC 1st Years X GN!Reader

| CHARACTERS 18+ | Sexual Themes | Masturbation | Flirting | Sorta Creepy | Etc. | Proceed with Caution, Dearest. |

♡ ACE TRAPPOLA ♡

LOSER #ONE

Swore he wouldn’t fail. Would not shut the fuck up. Would constantly brag about how well he did. When it’s only been a day. He’s the most likely to fail on the 1st day. Not even most likely, he does. That’s mad embarrassing but will most definitely lie for the entire month.

He 100% blames you. You just happened to wear a hot-ass outfit [very very casual relaxation clothes] when he came to Ramshackle after school, he swears you did it on purpose. When he returns to Heartslabyul, exhausted from studying but trying to hide his hard-on, he makes a beeline for the bathroom. Nearly ripping his belt off, biting his bottom lip as his hands make contact with his dick.

“This is all your fault—”

♡ DEUCE SPADE ♡

LOSER #TWO

Definitely was aware of No Nut November, but didn’t really get the hype, nor were girls really attracted to him during his delinquent days. [He’s lying. Deuce had girls flocking to him in droves. He’s just oblivious] Deuce doesn’t really view himself as a sexual person until he met you. Unlike Ace, he’s taking it seriously. He’s gonna prove he has self-restraint and is better than Ace. Fails on the 2nd day, partly because he forgot, but also because you smiled at him. He won’t lie, but at the same time will dance around the topic for the rest of November. It’s pretty obvious to everyone he failed.

He swears he isn’t some sexual deviant. You’re just so kind and sweet, and a wonderful person. He can’t help himself. The thought doesn’t cross his mind’ til he’s already close. Laying on his side, his face shoves further into the fabric of your shirt. He lets out a choked groan, desperately fucking his fist. He’s already so close, might as well finish. You won’t ever know.

“... I’m sorry, [Name]...”

♡JACK HOWL ♡

LOSER #THREE

Let’s be honest. Jack knows and finds it annoying, like what’s the purpose? Will definitely participate when Ace makes fun of him for not being able to last. He’s competitive. Will act all high and mighty and honestly does well. I give him 15 days at most before he breaks. He most likely forgot the first 10 days, but then started to notice you a lot more, like the way your eyes seem to sparkle, and your laugh is something he can’t ignore. The next 5, he’s forcing himself through and is becoming mad grumpy, cause well.

Says fuck it the moment he sees your skin that’s usually covered. [You showed him a portion of your stomach or bare legs, he’s going feral] Before you can say a thing, Jack is already gone, deciding that he’d be unable to walk into his dorm without drawing attention to himself, he’s deep in the forest. Leaning against a tree, imagining his hand is you. At Least he doesn’t have to clean up much. He’s slightly guilty for the next few days, but won’t tell you, but you will see an influx of gifts.

“This is so embarrassing…”

♡ EPEL FELMIER ♡

LOSER #FOUR

Almost as loud as Ace, with his bragging. Especially with just your friend's group, no Vil or Rook in sight. He’s letting his country accent fly, with not a damn care. It’s a little funny and cute. Don’t say that to his face. I’m gonna make an educated guess and say he definitely needs to bust it at least once a day. He gets even worse after meeting you, often disappearing into the bathroom, but who needs it for 20 minutes on average? I don’t know what’s worse, Ace bragging and losing the 1st day. Or Epel hyping himself up, only for you to mention how hot he is.

He’s already leaking. He sits on the toilet seat of your bathroom, rubbing his nose against your damp shower towel, squeezing his eyes shut, pumping his dick desperately. You name tumbles from his lips, muffled and desperate. He compares succeeding NNN to being a stronger man, and most definitely falls the 1st hour of making his bet. Will ask Jack hypotheticals, and he’s just like, ‘I don’t know, man’. Similar to Deuce, he will jump around the topic, or suddenly switch up. Saying NNN is dumb. Like bffr.

“No Nut November iz dumb! No, I didn’ fail, ya jerk”

♡ SEBEK ZIGVOLT ♡

ONLY WINNER

Now, I know what you are thinking. Ain’t no way. Sebek is loud and most likely has announced his displeasures with NNN. It’s childish. Uncouth. For the dumb and ignorant. Wait—you think it’s funny and cool? He guesses he can try, and will publicly and I mean publicly announce his plans to win. And he will. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his challenges. Sebek is a knight in training and has amazing self-control. And last half the month without trouble, the other half, he’s just missing. You see him in all his classes, but he’s avoiding you like the plagues.

He is giving his all to winning. The moment December 1st strikes, he’s acting a damn fool. Fucking his hand, bed, blankets, anything and everything, cause cumming once just isn’t enough. He’s gonna casually NOT, will do a fucking public service announcement about his winnings. Gods, he’s embarrassing. Will not shut up. Please say you’re proud of him.

“Of course I won. As Lord Malleus Knight—”

ⓒ 2023 love-thanatopsis — all rights reserved. Any sort of plagiarizing, copying, modifying, translating, editing of my works are strictly prohibited.

[moonshine-009]

This fandom though smh all the people wanting to stick up and support Ryan while being an anti Eddie this or a pro Eddie that, but hate getting called out for being a hypocrite... I'm tired of seeing them "separate the actor from the character," when they're more than willing to bash every other transphobic, racist, sexist, homophobic, ageist, misogynistic, ableist, fascist, anti vax, etc, remark or topic, but still have positive post about Ryan Guzman. They aren't "protecting their peace." That's not how it works. They're choosing to ignore what he's doing because it'll disrupt their fantasy of the show. Seriously, why are they posting about current anti transphobic topics and then the next post it's "Ryan's dumb mustache 😍🥵🫠" as if he didn't just get exposed AGAIN for having transphobic ties this past week????

They don't want to hear that Ryan is the problem. Everybody, fan or anti, still calls out Lou, and everytime they admit and drill that he is at fault, but Ryan ALWAYS gets a pass, and we should move on because he gave a disingenuous apology all the non bpocs accepted on our behave or it was "so long ago???" Make that make sense... Also, no one wants to bring up anything else he's done either! But even so they're not advocating for anything in the fandom with only "Lou is racist," when they won't even accept that what Ryan did wasn't just as bad, it was worse than what Lou did, they both were wrong but let's be real Ryan has more to make up for than Lou but yet Lou isn't unforgivable???

How can people still say, "It's his upbringing, and he was taught that way" only for Ryan? They really want to compare Ryan and Lou's family situations? Seriously? Which one of them is estranged from their abusive bigot father, and which one is still surrounded by his ignorant friends/family who he proudly stuck up and admitted were all racist like him? (Also, which one of them did people have to fake and edit hate material because there wasn't anything new? 👀)

And they need to stop saying everyone who calls out Ryan is racist. I'm very familiar with all the excuses he made, and just as I've said to my White/Latinx family and friends, all of what was said IS absolutely racist. He doesn't get a pass because of where he lived, and everyone around him said it, and the more they deny it, the worse it is. Everyone who accepted his apology should understand he was willingly stating his ignorance.

These stans though... They're just as phony wanting to play both sides and have no consequences. They can't stand by what they're voicing. Saying "anti *** BUT I don't tolerate any hate towards (actor)" when that actor is still problematic as of today...

Nearly everyone has said/done something awful in the past, but there's only a few that still are choosing to continue that behavior. Many of the 9-1-1/LS cast/crew/company "should've been canceled" for things they've done. Most acknowledged their wrongs, sincerely apologized, stopped and grew up and changed their views and redeemed themselves. That's the difference. Ryan is still the same Ryan. Fans forgave after one forced apology, and now they ignore that he's still actively messed up because what he's attractive or he's a part of their favorite ship or his hate doesn't personally affect them???

*But yes, let's only call out Lou's issues and keep posting about how wonderful Ryan is and talk about wanting to bring back Ronda, Cocoa, Edy, Rockmond, etc. back because they were also soooo unproblematic* 🙃

Yes, call it as we see it, Lou did some messed up shit. But for them to say Lou is worse for 10+ year old post, but stay quite when Ryan continuously talks/posts/likes disgusting views to this very day 😒 That's the thing, Lou's past caught up with him, his PAST. Ryan gets exposed every week because he's still updating his accounts with that stuff.

(and you don't have to post/reply to this if it might get backlash but 👏🏾 big sigh)

me being a white person I don't get to say if I expect Ryan's "apology " or not. Some other white people in the fandom on Twitter really had the audacity to say why people still hating on Ryan and he apparently has changed?!! It's not our place to say !!

And saying he has changed after what he is sharing on Instagram is honestly really laughable.

And they also say Oliver would hate Lou for things he was posting a decade ago this is why he doesn't want to work with him. So they basically saying that he is totally fine working with Ryan ???

When a ship is more important than having morals.

They always protect Oliver and Ryan and don't call them out.

It just makes me so mad seeing Ryan posting all that shit. And people posting him all over Instagram even the cast is hanging out with him.

People are so comfortable being openly transphobic and homophobic, racists these days without any consequences.

They said when the actress who plays Marisol was posting that transphobic shit, why would they want a cast member in a show with LGBTQIA+ storylines. These same people are really quiet right now about Ryan.

So they totally fine with what he shares on Instagram? ???

[technicolouredmonochrome]

so i've been falling down the danmei productions (chinese censored productions of BL novels) rabbit hole and i've figured out the basic BL starter pack:

1. BANTER. the two protagonists need to make a ton of thinly veiled jokes at each other about being in love. because censors! so in order to get any of it aired it's all gotta be nudge nudge wink wink. let me insert an episode where everyone suddenly acts out of character due to magic! or let me make the shameless one dress as a woman for an episode! they will find any and every way to let the two leads f l i r t and make us all wonder: why don't these two just get married already?

2. YEARNING. because if one half of our main couple has not waited at least 10 years for the other to either show up in their life or resurrect from the dead, are they really in love?

3. OPPOSITES ATTRACT. we need the flirty one! endlessly grinning and touching and teasing the silent one! and the cold quiet one is only soft for the sunshine one! how else can we know that their love is true!

4. SUFFERING. and i mean SUFFERING. dead parents. entire families annihilated. torture. tragic backstories abound. these men have never known happiness until they've met their other half. and then all they want to do is watch the world burn together. (and can we really blame them for that?)

5. ACTS OF ("brotherly") LOVE. they were brothers, historians would say, but they're almost always nearly dying for each other, and longing after each other, and siding with each other against the entire world.

5.1 OH BUT THEY WERE IN LOVE IN LOVE. there's gotta be at least one scene somewhere when our two main protagonists speculate about their possible future together. especially if it's just before some incredibly terrifyingly intense climax of the story (where one of our leads may *gasps* die) they talk about running a noodle shop together, or roaming the world together, or travelling from town to town fighting crime together.

5.2 AND THEY WERE SOULMATES. the word soulmates comes up somewhere. it technically translates to confidant (or person who knows me) but. if the translators decide to subtitle it as soulmate who am i to tell them otherwise.

6. FOUND FAMILY. they also have to adopt a kid who's gonna follow them through their adventures. sometimes it's two kids, sometimes it's a whole baseball team of children (of all ages and genders, they are incredibly inclusive on this point in this way). these kids are going to represent every single viewer, watching the main leads flirt while wondering, why don't i have two dads? why must one always go away and leave me behind? why is it always the rich dad that's gotta go? please come back and feed me and my poor papa we are starving rich dad.

i could keep going but these are the main requirements in our basic chinese BL novel adaptation starter packs. oh also most of the budget goes into hiring the two most attractive main leads possible and you get to watch as the cgi gets worse episode after episode as the show loses funding through its run. but it doesn't matter because these two men are clearly in love and i'm still 100% here for it.

[azulcrescent]

Aromanticism is a spectrum, and there are lots of ways to experience and view romance and non-romance. Personally, being grayaromantic, I know what romantic attraction feels like, since I did have a crush on someone once. It had all the hallmark traits of a crush: butterfly feelings in my stomach, thinking about them a lot, almost accidentally kissing them in front of everyone because I wanted to put my mouth on their mouth so badly…

And yet, now that it's been nearly 10 years since then, it's bizarre to me that I ever had those feelings at all. It's confusing to me that other people will just look at someone and feel that way, and have that be a recurring thing that happens to them all the time apparently? I have no idea how often people normally get new crushes, or how long it takes for old ones retire, since mine happened only the one time and it took me about 2 years before I was finally over it (we never dated, it was only ever a one-sided crush)

I have mistaken strong platonic feelings for romantic feelings before. But then I would compare it to the crush I had, and realize that it doesn't have any of the same desires attached to it. I feel happy and excited about having a new friend that I get to learn more about, potentially even bordering on queerplatonic feelings, but the idea of kissing them isn't something I'd go out of my way to try and get.

I do have to work pretty hard to maintain friendships, by regularly reaching out to people. Since a lot of people who have a partner get most of their socialization from being with their partner, they don't prioritize friendships in the same way that an aromantic person would. (Not saying that alloromantic people have less friends or that they don't care about them, just making a generalized statement about my observations in how allos and aros handle friendships)

I hope this helps!

That's very fascinating, thank you. I guess you have a point of reference for what romantic attraction feels like since it has happened before, but not since then. And that's a good point about how non-asexual people tend to get most of their socialization from their partners ahaha. whenever a friend in my friend group gets a partner we're like "ah, so they're not gonna show up for gaming anymore" haha.

Thanks again for sharing, and yes, it helps!

[aenwoedbeannaa]

Not So Fast, Darlin' || Joel x Reader

Summary: You know that venturing out into the abandoned QZ was a bad idea–especially alone. But with your rations dwindling to next to nothing, you know that raiding the old settlement for whatever you can find is your only option. You expected runners, maybe a few clickers. What you absolutely did not expect to find was a way too attractive man pointing a rifle square at your chest.

Words: 3.4k

Warnings: 18+, this is pure smut lol, I guess age gap but reader is in late 20s and this is only 10 years after the outbreak, unprotected p in v sex (don’t do the pull out method irl, guys), soft!Joel

A/N: I am so used to writing for Geralt, so I hope I manage to give them different voices. Thanks for reading, and maybe consider reblogging if you enjoy! Anyways–kofi here, masterlist here, taglist here. Enjoy!

You rifle your hand through your backpack once again, as if you’ll find something new inside. Your stomach grumbles and a wave of nausea washes over you. You’d think after all these years spent surviving on whatever scraps you could find would have made you stronger by now, but the lack of food is making you sick.

Groaning, you pull out the crinkled map you’ve carried with you since you slipped out of the Chicago QZ years ago. It’s a FEDRA map, so QZs are marked on the glossy paper, as if they were some bastions of society. You scoff, shaking your head at the thought. 

You’re not far from another one now. You’ve spent three days in the forest, atop a hill, watching the settlement below. You know it’s abandoned. You haven’t seen a single person go in or out. No FEDRA officers on patrol, no armored trucks carrying “fresh” rations. 

It should be safe enough, you tell yourself. 

Taking a deep breath, you gather the rest of your things and toss them unceremoniously into your backpack and throw it over your shoulder. You had better go now, while there is light left. Sneaking into a possibly infected-infested old QZ at night could be a death sentence. Granted, sneaking into a possibly infected-infested old QZ in the daytime could also be a death sentence. But, shit, you’ve got no choice.

It takes you nearly an hour to pick your way through the woods, down the hill, and to the perimeter of the abandoned settlement. After being on your own this long, you have learned to trust yourself. No sound, human or infected, can be heard anywhere. Still, you hold your pistol firmly in both hands as you walk as silently as possible toward the gaping hole where the entrance to the QZ must have been. You can never be too careful.

Once inside, your eyes scan the many buildings–mostly falling apart, this hasn’t been a QZ for a long time–looking for any sort of convenience store, grocery store, or anywhere you can possibly raid for ten-year-old canned goods. Down the block, you spot an old building that you are fairly sure must have been one of the QZ market centers. 

Ok, best place to start, you confirm, moving silent as a shadow from building to building until you reach your target. You approach the shattered window and peer inside, barely suppressing a small outburst of happiness upon seeing that there are still cans on shelves, still boxes stacked towards the back. 

Perfect. You are careful not to step on shattered glass in case any clickers are hiding around. You have no idea why this QZ was abandoned–whether it was just one of FEDRA’s many failures or some sort of civilian uprising. No matter how this place ended, you know that there is a high possibility that there are infected lurking around. 

You are so focused on the task at hand and listening for infected that you are completely oblivious to a man hiding just behind an old counter. Well, at least until he sprung to his feet, rifle in hand.

“Not so fast, darlin’,” he says with a rather thick southern accent. 

You jumped at his appearance, but you are used to situations like these, so the fear doesn’t rise in your gut like it used to. Every other day, it seems, someone is pointing a gun at you or you are pointing a gun at someone else. What a way to live. At least he wasn’t a hunter. Or, you are pretty sure he isn’t. They tend to shoot first, talk later. 

You raise your hands, not letting go of your pistol, “I’m just here for–” 

“Food’s taken.” 

First of all, you don’t enjoy being cut off, and second–there is so much food left in the old store that this one man couldn’t possibly take it all himself. Unless there were others with him… But you didn’t see or hear anyone, and certainly if he had any travel companions with him, they would have surrounded you by now. 

“Really?” you cock an eyebrow, “All of it? Bullshit.”

“I suggest you turn around and go back to wherever you came from, little lady.”

“Come the fuck on,” you roll your eyes. “There’s so much here, there’s no way you’re taking it all.”

“Got people that count on me.”

“Well, I don’t,” you don’t back down. “I’ll take a few cans and you can take the rest.”

He seems to ponder your words for a moment, lowering his rifle. 

“You ain’t got anybody with you?” 

“Oh, first you point a rifle in my face, and now you want to play twenty questions? Because in that case, I have a few questions of my own.” 

“Gotta answer mine, first.”

You scowl, slipping your pistol back into its holster and crossing your arms, “Yeah, I’m alone.”

“Fine,” he says gruffly, gesturing to the loaded shelves, “Have at it.”

Despite the fact that your stomach is still screaming at you, you stay where you are. You hate yourself for it, but there’s something about this man that entices you, draws you in. Brown curls, beard, captivating eyes, and damn, his muscles. You can tell just from his bare forearms visible thanks to him rolling the sleeves of his flannel up that he is practically made of stone. 

Even in the apocalypse, I’m still horny, you think, cursing yourself for it. 

“Not yet,” you break the silence, “I have some questions of my own.”

You see the man look from you to the shelves of food, contemplating his next decision. 

“I haven’t eaten yet, either. Why don’t you grab a couple cans and we can sit.”

“Hm,” you consider, “Fine. As long as you promise not to shoot me.”

In response, he simply slings his rifle over his shoulder, “No shootin’, got it.” 

“No shooting,” you confirm. 

You turn to face the still stocked shelves and scan the labels. Chef Boyardee. Shit was full of preservatives and other unnatural ingredients even back before the cordyceps infection broke out, so you’re pretty sure it’s safe. You grab two cans and head to the back of the store where the man is still standing.

“Alright,” you say, “You gonna sit?”

“Yeah, guess so,” he says, lowering himself to the ground. You follow suit, extending an arm to hand him one of the cans. “These won the Least Likely to Give Us Botulism Award.”

His stoic face actually cracks into a small smile at that. “Let’s hope it don’t.” 

“That would be pretty embarrassing,” you say as you open your backpack to dig around for a knife so you can open the ancient can. “There are literal zombies walking around but you just puke yourself to death.”

“At least we know for sure now that expiration dates are a scam.”

The two of you are silent for a moment as you open your respective cans of ravioli. It isn’t as uncomfortable as you’d imagine. 

Still, you break the silence, “Y/N.” You extend a hand in greeting. 

He pauses for a long moment before finally extending his own, “Joel.”

You almost shiver at the way your hand feels clasped in his. You’ve been on your own for so long, you forgot what human interaction felt like. It’s not horrible. 

“So, Joel,” you like the way his name sounds on your lips, “What do you need an entire store full of food for?”

“People.”

“You have a family, then?” Despite your immediate attraction to this man, your hunger wins out and you rather aggressively stab a piece of ravioli and shove it into your mouth.

“No.”

“You’re not much of a talker, are you?” 

“Mostly I’m just wonderin’ how you haven’t got yourself killed yet,” He dodges the question. 

“I have my ways,” you smirk. 

“Looks like you haven’t eaten in weeks.”

“They used to call this look Heroin Chic.” Now they just call it Literally Starving and Trying Not to Get Bit or Ripped Apart. 

He bursts into laughter at that, but his eyes don’t quite match. If you didn’t know better, you’d say he looked concerned. “Are you even old enough to remember that shit?”

“I was 19,” you clench a fist at the memory, “Plenty of time to learn things.” 

There is silence while the two of you eat before you do what you usually do and break it, “Are you even young enough to understand ten-year-old pop culture references?”

He smirks, looking too damn good while he does it. “Do I really look that old?” 

He actually sounds serious, so you laugh and shake your head, “Nah. You look… good.”

Well, fuck me. 

You can’t take the words back, though. You don’t think you want to take the words back. 

“Good, huh?” There is a glimmer in his eye. The type of glimmer you haven’t seen since before you fled the Chicago QZ. Your insides are in knots.

Well, since you’re fucked either way–”Very.” 

“You tryin’ to flatter me, darlin’?” 

“That depends–is it working?”

“It’s workin’, alright.” 

Forgetting about the Honorable Chef Boyardee, old pop culture references, and all the horrible shit that went down that night nearly ten years ago, you scoot closer to Joel, allowing yourself to fall into old patterns. You haven’t fucked anyone since you left the QZ, and goddamn do you want to fuck Joel. 

For a moment, Joel seems like a deer in headlights, only more stoic than scared. You almost shrink back–maybe you had misinterpreted his words? But a moment later, he sets down his half-eaten can of ravioli and shockingly casually slings his arm over your shoulders. 

The feeling is strange and familiar all at once. When was the last time you had even felt the touch of another person that didn’t involve being kicked in the head or otherwise injured? You can’t recall. Still, you lean into him.

“Tell me, lil’ lady,” he pulls you in closer, “How the fuck you’ve been survivin’ on your own?” 

“Just shut up and kiss me,” you evade yet another question. 

“Since you asked nicely.” He places a rough, calloused hand, under your chin, tilting your head to be even with his. Your breath catches in your throat the way it always did at this moment - the moment before the kiss. The moment where everything is still new and pure and lovely. Except, this wasn’t like those old times. 

Ok, you lean in closer so your lips are just inches apart, maybe not exactly pure. 

Joel closes the distance, pressing his lips against yours. For all his gruffness and rock-solid exterior, the kiss is gentle at first - hesitant. It is nice, sweet. But then again, it is the apocalypse, there is no time for hesitation. 

You deepen the kiss, parting his lips with your tongue. When you do, it seems to flip a switch somewhere in his head. His lips crash against yours, his tongue pushing past your parted lips, vying for control. And you let him take it. 

Jesus fuck it’s been a long time. 

You let him pull you into his lap, sliding your hands up his muscled chest and gripping his shirt so tight you might end up tearing it off. He responds by running his hands down from where he had been holding your face, fingers ghosting over your neck and collarbones. He stops there, pulling apart only inches. The two of you take heavy breaths, eyes locked on each other. 

For a moment it is quiet as you catch your breath. 

“Let’s take this somewhere private.” He smirks, and it’s enough to make heat pool in your core. You need this. You need him. 

So, you follow. 

***

A makeshift tent made up of a tarp hanging over some ropes tied to trees hardly seems more private than the old shop, but you don’t complain. 

“We’re here, darlin’,” Joel murmurs, wrapping his arms around you tightly, almost possessively. He doesn’t even bother to usher you into the “tent.” 

Before he can kiss you, you pull back slightly, “Shouldn’t we be in there?” You jerk your head toward the tarp blowing in the breeze. 

“Ain’t nobody comin’ out all this way,” he laughs, vibrating his chest and making you feel too warm and fuzzy on the inside. You’ve made it a point not to let anything or anyone sweep you off your feet - but Joel seems to be the exception. 

Without warning, his fingers gently brush your cheek before he rests them under your chin, tilting your head up to look at him, “Do you trust me?” 

You don’t even have to think about your answer before nodding in response, “Yes, sir.” 

“Mm,” he growls, “Good.”

When he pulls you closer to kiss him, your knees buckle and you quite literally  lose your balance and fall into the soft grass.  Rather than lean you pick you back up, he simply shifts his balance, so he is positioned over you, most of his weight resting on his elbows. Those strong forearms… There is no more need for words as he leans down and brushes his lips against yours, kissing you slowly and deliberately.

His tongue traces your bottom lip gently and you part your lips for him, sighing contentedly as his tongue begins its careful exploration of your mouth.

The warm sunlight bathes your exposed skin in its warm amber glow, making the process of removing your flannel and jeans all the more pleasurable. Joel is surprisingly careful and deliberate as he pushes your top, over your shoulders, and slightly less so as he pulls your tank top over your head. A growl of appreciation escapes from somewhere in his chest as his eyes rake over you, deft fingers finding the clasp of your bra and unhooking it easily.

Wanting something more to look at yourself, you reach up and grasp at his shirt, pulling at it with much less care before Joel finally pulls it off himself. Your eyes widen at the sight of him - bare chest and arms. Muscles rippling beneath his skin. You indulge yourself, letting your fingers trail down his chest and stomach, stopping when you reach his jeans. 

You are about to start undoing his belt, but he stops you with a stern look. “Uh uh, not so fast, baby girl.” You melt at his words, “I got a few things I’d like to do first.”

His mouth travels the whole of your body, drawing small gasps and moans as his tongue explores that sensitive spot between your neck and shoulder and pulls each nipple gently into his mouth, flicking them first gently and then harder, nipping one and then the other between his teeth, making you gasp. 

Your hips buck up to meet his, and a small moan escapes your lips when you feel his hard length between the layers of fabric separating you from him.

“Patience, darlin’,” he drawls, moving away from you to unzip your jeans and pull them along with your soaked panties off your hips, tossing them into the grass.

Before you can conjure up an adequate reply, Joel slides a calloused hand up your thigh and rests one finger on your sensitive nub. You moan louder as his finger traces back and forth with the perfect amount of pressure, just the way you like it - however the fuck he knows that.

You are dripping wet by the time he pushes one large finger into your entrance, gently massaging that sensitive spot inside of you, making you buck your hips in response. “Fuck,” you breathe.

He smirks as he lowers his head, dark curls ghosting over your exposed skin. You can’t help but bury your fingers in those curls as his tongue picks up where his now occupied finger left off, lapping at your clit with fervor while one finger becomes two rubbing against that spot inside you.

It is only a matter of moments before you fall apart under him.  “Joel, oh fuck, Joel!” you cry as you come undone. You’d be embarrassed at how quickly he made you cum, but hell - it’s been so long, and he is just… so good. 

For a moment you just lay in the grass, the world coming in and out of focus as he continues to work his fingers, more gently now, helping  you come down from your orgasm. When he sees that you are spent, he removes his fingers and brings them straight to his mouth, savoring every last drop of you.  But without his large digits inside of you, you are already yearning for more. You need to feel him inside of you. Thankfully, he is already in the process of removing his pants.

“Please,” you whimper, urging him to move faster, “Please, Joel.” 

“Please, what, baby girl?” 

“P-please fuck me. I want you to fuck me.” 

“Well, since the lady asked nicely,” he smirks, finally kicking off his boxers revealing just how large he is. 

“So big…” you murmur, not capable of much more speech. “Holy shit.” 

First, he smirks at the compliment, but a moment later his face grows serious, “Now darlin’, if I hurt you, just tell me and I’ll st–”

“No,” you cut him off, “I don’t want you to stop.” 

“Well,” he growls, “Have it your way then.” He is clearly enjoying this.

When he enters you, it is with the same care that he has exerted this whole time.  So different from the gruff man who pointed a gun at you over some ten-year-old cans of spaghetti-os. He could be as rough as he wanted and you’d still enjoy yourself.

He buries his head in the crook of your neck so that with each thrust, his breath tickles your ear. The grunts that escape his lips rumble in your ear and make you shiver. Goddamn, you would never get tired of this. 

His thrusts come faster and faster as both of you cry out into the empty forest around you. His thrusts, each more bruising than the last, fill you up, his member lusciously raking over that bundle of nerves you can never seem to reach with your own fingers. 

He reaches a hand down, still effortlessly holding himself up with his other arm so as not to crush you beneath him. The pad of his thumb rubs circles on your clit as he thrusts harder, bottoming out with each one, making you a writhing mess beneath him. 

It isn’t long before you feel your second orgasm creeping up on you. It’s just too much, you can’t take it. “Joel, I- I’m–” 

“I know, baby girl, I know.” You had no idea a nickname could have such an effect on you, but here you are. “Cum for me, one more time.”

That was about all the encouragement you needed. You are a writhing mess, the walls of your pussy clenching around him frantically as he fucks you through your orgasm, his breaths growing more and more frantic with each thrust. 

“Fuck, Y/N, I’m–” He doesn’t get to finish his sentence before forcing himself to pull out, finishing with a groan has he spills all over your stomach. You like the way it feels, being covered in his arousal. It makes you feel like you are his. And, fuck, you realize how much you really want to be his. 

But there are too many unknowns in this world, and you know that after this, you will both return to your lives and this will fade into memory. But for now, you can enjoy this moment. 

He rolls off of you and into the grass, and you can’t help but snuggle up close, feeling safer than you have felt in ten years with his arms wrapped around you and your head on his chest. 

You don’t speak. You don’t want to ruin the moment. But, finally, he does.

“I know solo travelin’ can be good,” he says slowly, as if he’s been thinking long and hard about the words he is about to speak, “But I got a group. A few people. Plenty of room for one more.”

“I–” you certainly weren’t expecting this, “I–Yeah, a group. That sounds… nice.” No more sleepless nights with no one to keep watch, no more being hopelessly outnumbered at every turn. And, more importantly, Joel. 

You could get used to his company, that’s for sure. 

[sugurusdiscordmoderator]

Captain Levi One Shot

A/N : Takes place like 10 years before the AOT universe, please don’t fact check my shit I know some of it doesn’t line up with cannon lmao. In this Petra is not yet a part of squad Levi.

I’m thinking about doing a series of one shots for this version of Levi x reader but would love some feedback!

26f reader x 29m captain Levi

content warning: alcohol , hangover vomiting (so sorry), blood, minor injuries, masturbation (both f and m)

—

You had worked so damn hard. You had worked so hard for almost 10 years to get where you are.

Graduating as a part of the 95th corps of cadets, (#3 in your class none the less), you took on the challenge joining the scouts. You took on the challenge of knowing your best friends, your adopted family, would die. You could’ve had a cushy life as an MP and never lay an eye on a titan but no, you just had to be brave.

10 years is a long time to last as a scout. Only a few have lasted longer and you’re wondering when it’ll be your turn. You’re nearly 26 at this point, are you going to have to slow down?

Your superiors decided to throw you a party for hitting the 10 year mark. A get together at a pub in town that closed for an evening to be private for all scouts and military that wanted to come. The ones left of your cadet class came, plus most of the scouts since you were a friendly face and a great mentor.

Hange and Petra were two of your closest friends, they made you a cake! Everyone else was buying you drinks and having a great time. You made your rounds to thank everyone for coming and say hi.

You go up to the table in the corner last, being the most intimidating of the group. Captain Erwin, and a few from his troop were seated including Miche, Gunther, Tomas, Eld, and Dieter. Oh, and the dark storm cloud in the corner, Levi. Captain Levi.

Something about that man, you can’t tell if it pissed you off or if you were attracted to his stormy look. He has only been in the scouts for a few years but, he has far surpassed everyone to earn the title of Captain and earn the special operations squad. He didn’t have a ton of respect as a leader, considering his past which always came about in hushed whispers and stolen glances.

“Ah Miss L/N!” Erwin booms as he watches you approach the table “the celebrity of the evening has graced us with her presence!” Yeah, he’s definitely had a few drinks. You give most of the table a hug before Erwin booms “Excuse me,,, Excuse Me! Yeah I’d like to make a toast to celebrate one amazing scout, y/n l/n”

He turns you around to face everyone in the pub and you catch Levi’s eye for a second, letting a soft smile show. Your drinks and shots everyone had been buying you are catching up and you catch yourself blushing at Levi’s lingering eyes on you. If only you knew why.

As Erwin goes on a great toast speech about how much you’ve grown in 10 years, how great you are, etc. you can’t help but feel immense pride, something you’re not used to as a rather insecure person. Then your attention gets roped back in as Erwin places his hands on your shoulders give you a little shake like a proud dad.

“So to finish my toast, I want to congratulate miss l/n on becoming the newest member of the special operations squad under captain Levi.”

Your jaw drops as the pub errupts in loud cheers turning around to give Erwin a huge hug, since he is the highest rank here commander shadis must have trusted him with this information.

The raven haired stoic man stands up from his seat and comes closer to you and gives you a crisp salute which you mirror back. Probably not as crisp with the way you feel a little wavy. He then sticks his hand out for a handshake as you grab ahold he speaks, “welcome to the team kid.”

You smile at him “Thank you sir! The pleasure is mine!” He’s going to teach you to be less formal with him eventually but appreciates your response for the time being.

You are both surprised at your impulsive decision of deciding to wrap your arms around his neck, giving him an enthusiastic hug. You swear you feel his chest let out a chuckle but hear him grunt, “tch, get off”. You pull away ready to apologize but see a little smirk on his face as he sits back down. All of Erwin’s table saw the encounter and chose to avoid eye contact. As you giddy-ly ran over to Hange and Petra to celebrate.

The rest of the night consisted of singing, dancing, drink-offs with some of the men, and if you weren’t crazy you could’ve sworn Levi was keeping a close eye on you.

Once closing time hits you and some of the scouts you were close with stumbled back to your base. Levi, Erwin, and Miche suspiciously decided to leave just as you were. Following not too closely behind you.

—

As you get back to your room and ready for bed you stumble a little as you put on your pajamas of a tshirt, no bra, and booty shorts. You’re humming to yourself as you put the uniform from today aside to wash and about to crawl in your bed that looks soooo comfy when

*knock knock knock* gently taps on your door

Assuming it is Petra or Hange drunk you giggle walking up to the door. You swing open the old wood, creaking to your surprise is your new captain.

“Soldier. Sorry for stopping uh unannounced. I wanted to give you this since you looked like you had fun tonight. Integration starts tomorrow at 8 AM.”

You form a salute, right hand over your breast as your dainty nipples show through your white tshirt. He pretends not to notice, suppressing the urge to look at your body he has never seen outside of uniform.

“Thank you captain. I hope you sleep well. Goodnight,” your voice sounds like silk although raspy from singing and yelling all night. Nobody has ever wished him a good nights sleep and he is a little dumbfounded. “Goodnight l/n” he whispers as you gently shut the door on him.

He brought you fruit and some water in a nice basket, surely that will help with your hangover that you’ll have to figure out by 8 am. You think of all the things people whisper about Captain Levi, how he’s a heartless monster, incapable of feelings, barely human. You can’t believe them and decide to put your utmost respect into your captain, wondering how he put together something special like this in such a short notice.

—

The next morning you are awake at the break of daylight, about 7 am. This gives you an hour to get cleaned up eat and get to the training grounds, but god do you feel like shit. As you’re about to get in the shower you feel your stomach bubbling and make it just in time to the bucket to throw up. Well throwing up sucks, but at least you feel a tiny bit better. You get a rather quick shower and throw your hair into a low bun with some pieces sticking out and put on your uniform. Eating an apple and drinking water that Levi brought you in the early hours of the morning. You decide ultimately that this is your fault for drinking too much, and hope since it is the first day of integration Levi would take it easy on you.

Oh, how you were so wrong.

“L/n, you look like shit.” Your captain spits harshly.

“My apologies captain.” You say not looking him directly in the eyes with your hand over chest in salute.

“10 laps around the field to get started.” Oh god you have to run while hungover, but you can’t tell him no. Maybe this is some type of test to him? He knows how much you drank last night because he was keeping a watchful eye on his new team member. You begin running as Miche and Levi chat, quietly enough you can’t hear them over the pounding in your head.

Just as you hit the sixth lap you feel a bubbling in your tummy again. Oh no, not in front of him. Before you can even try to hide it, you’re doubled over throwing up the rest of the contents in your stomach.

And then, silence. No Miche and Levi chatting, no background noise from the base, just silence. This has to be a test. He wants to see if you’ll keep going or give up on the very first exercise. You use the backside of your jacket sleeve to wipe your face and begin the 6th lap. You’re half done, just push through.

As someone who typically doesn’t struggle too much with running you are shocked at your inability to hold yourself to a high standard this morning. You nearly collapsed as you finished the 10th lap. Bent over with your hands on your knees you wait for Captain Levi to address you.

“Next you’ll be timed on your ODM gear maneuvering through the dummies.” Your face goes pale at the thought of flying through the air right now, but you don’t have a choice. “Yes sir” you respond breathlessly standing up fully again.

You don’t notice the goosebumps that appear on Levi’s skin when you call him Sir or Captain, and he tries to ignore them. Watching as you strap on your ODM gear as you struggle with a particular thigh strap, he sulks over, looking down at your gear. Your big eyes look back up at him, still fumbling your fingers at the same time.

“Here,” he takes over where your hands were, grasping the leather straps tightly and fastening it together so that it squeezes your nice thighs just enough.

“You look like shit,” he says lowly, finally making eye contact with you.

“I’m so sorry sir, is there something wrong with my uniform? How can I fix it?” You ask like a good subordinate.

“Don’t drink the night before training.” He says turning around not looking at you anymore.

You scoff in disbelief at his words, and he waits for your next move.

“My apologies again Captain, but I was not aware of my promotion until last night and not aware of this training until I was already home from the pub. I think it’s rather unfair to-” you’re cut off by the lightning quick movements of the captain who is now gripping your collar of your uniform jacket, almost lifting you off your seat.

“Rule number one - don’t talk back to me” he growls inches from your face.

“Rule number two - always be prepared as a part of squad Levi. We are the special operations squad for a reason, we could leave at a moments notice.”

“Rule number three - you must always look and act your best for training.”

All the while he spoke down to you staring into your eyes. You didn’t dare looking away from the steel gray eyes boring into yours. “Yes sir” you squeak out. He drops your shirt collar, brushing off the wrinkles he just created. And your ass collided back down with the bench you were sitting on. He begins to walk away with a “I’ll be waiting” as he heads towards the wooded area of the training grounds.

You’re trying to wrap your head around what just happened and how your superior talked to you like that when most of this was out of your control completely.

It was then you realized this morning was all one big test. To see how much you needed to be broken down in order for him to build you back up and form you into one of his soldiers.

But you didn’t ask for this promotion, you didn’t receive a warning, you didn’t even get to say bye to your old squad leader.

You try your best to hold your head high, cleaning your blades as you walk in the directly Levi walked a minute ago. Trying to push down all of the demons punishing you for your actions from last night. Mentally you need to get with it if you’re going to prove yourself to Levi this morning that you’re fit to be a part of his squad. You don’t think he’s ever watched you before, at least not in battle, per your knowledge. The last thing you need is him thinking you are a weak link in his group.

You finally approach him at the beginning of the course, trying to maintain cool headedness and confidence. After all you’ve done this course thousands of times over 10 years in the scouts. I mean, they change it sometimes but not by a whole lot.

Not even looking over at you Captain Levi says “I’ll start the stopwatch when you start going. Miche is on the other side to signal a flare once you make it to the end.”

You nod to your self, stretching your back and neck a little before you go. You bound off the ground propelling with as much speed as you can. Your technique is a little different from most, whereas you don’t necessarily have as much speed as you do strength. Your cuts are so deep and clean on the nape of the titan that you are sure fire a kill if you can just get there. You move easily from side to side due to your core strength and kind of look like a mix of a ballerina and a ninja on your good days. Your technique is just weird enough they don’t let you help teach the new recruits.

Flying, adjusting to the new dummies that pop up, it actually feels pretty nice and comforting to help your hangover. You finish the course with ease but your ODM gear fails to hook on one side as you hit the last row of trees. You’re thrown off balance and end up hitting the tree Miche was leaning on with a thud. Luckily, as soon as you made contact Miche shot the flare so you would get a better time, but you lay on the ground groaning. A little blood dripping out of your eyebrow and nose, and cuts on the arms of your uniform.

Levi had already begun swinging to where the ending point was but began speeding up after he ended the timer. He landed on his feet so elegantly and precise, making Miche laugh. Neither of the men helped you up for a minute as you laid there with your hand over your face, red from embarrassment but reminding you that you may throw up again or pass out at any moment.

“3 minutes 9 seconds. Not bad for…your current condition” he says leaning down to look at your face. “You’ll be doing this again when you’re through with your hangover, and I expect it to be spotless. With a much better landing.”

“Yes captain,” you groan. Not being able to hold yourself together much at this point. He grabs a cloth out of his pocket and hands it to you. You do your best to clean the eyebrow and whatever nose wound you have, it may very well be broken.

“Up next is hand to hand combat. Since you are already torn up, I’ll let you chose who you fight against rather than myself, but it has to be someone from the squad.”

The rest of the team was finishing up breakfast walking out to the grounds that hand to hand combat training usually takes place. You were supposed to meet the team and then get your ass handed to you by Levi, but I guess he’s feeling nice watching you try to twist your nose back to its original place. As you finally stand up off the hard ground you stumble a few steps before bending over to throw up one last time. Levi happened to catch you off balance and patted your back while you dry heaved a little.

Levi, the clean freak, comforting you? After you just fucked up your integration training? You brush it off and size up your potential opponents as you want over. You then realize, you’re the first woman to be a part of squad Levi . Is that why the captain is making you do all this? A sexist power move to make you feel inferior to the rest?

The squad is chatting as the three of you walk up to them and fall silent, all eyes on you. Levi brushes past you “everyone this is y/n l/n, she will be joining the special operations squad effective immediately. Right now she is sizing all of you up to see who she can handle in hand to hand combat.” You do your best to remain confident and not shy away as all the well accomplished men look over to you.

“Captain Levi” you pipe up with less courage than you thought you had.

“Yes?” He raises an eyebrow at you.

“I want to go against you, Captain.”

The whole crowd of men goes silent, they think you have a death wish or maybe you already hit your head too hard given the dried blood already on your face.

“Fair enough l/n, I’ll give you a few minutes to get ready.” He takes off his uniform cape and jacket and set it neatly down next to where all the men are standing. You are busy unstrapping your ODM gear, moving to the side so you can set it down gently. You sign when you take all of it off, feeling 15 pounds lighter. You following Levi’s suit, you take off your uniform jacket as well.

This leaves both of you in your white button up shirts. You size Levi up and down, trying to determine when his weak spots are. You see the way his biceps move under the tight shirt as he undoes his cravat. The men of squad Levi are still just men, most of them looking at the way some of the buttons on the chest of your shirt are a little too snug so to your growing tits. You note to yourself to get the next size up shirt when you feel this happen.

You and Levi both walk to the center of the training grounds with most of squad Levi surrounding and a few others that happened to be walking around on this crisp Saturday morning. Levi gets settled in a fighting stance and you follow as he does. “Begin” he says in his low emotionless voice. You step closer to him to begin throwing attacks towards his upper body, most getting blocked but an attempt to elbow his side proved efficient. He throws a series of hits towards you and you manage to dodge a few of them, but are struggling to breathe after a solid punch to the stomach. You think this is a pretty fair match up until he says “tch is that all you have? I’m getting bored.” He speeds up his hit combos, giving you less time in between to recover as you do your best to land a kick on him. His reaction time is way better than yours, grabbing your right ankle and flipping you through the air to have you fall onto your back. You see stars as your head collides with the ground. He has not rendered you out yet, grabbing your arm and twisting it go go behind your back, using the fake little dagger they use for training and press it to your neck. Luckily, you both were facing away from the crowd of people.

“You really thought you could take me? I even gave you the option to fight someone else and you were so cocky you thought you could beat me? Tch, your form and performance today disgusts me. Dismissed.”

Levi stands up and walks back towards the barracks by himself, not talking with anyone and rather pissy it seems. The men left there disperse as you lay on your back trying to fight back tears, your hands covering your face. As soon as the coast is clear Hange and Petra run to your side. “We were watching from the building to see what would happen… I’m so sorry y/n”

So embarrassed, the only reaction you have is to grunt as they help you stand and help you back over to where your room is.

You collapse as they help you get into your room, exhausted and defeated.

“Y/n… do you wanna talk about it?” Petra asks softly playing with your dirt filled hair, head hanging in your hands as your slouched up against your desk.

“Please, I love you guys just I need to be alone,” you say back to them, and without looking up you hear them shuffle out and close the door.

You sit there with your head racing, trying to figure out where you went wrong. Yes, you were drunk last night but you didn’t even do that on purpose! And he could’ve told you earlier in the night so you could’ve stopped drinking and went to bed earlier yes, but he didn’t? This had to be a sick test.

What if Levi didn’t know you were joining his squad and this was some plan from the higher ups? What if Captain Levi didn’t want you on his squad at all and was trying to punish you today?

What if this is some type of hazing to get into the squad? And if you show up the next day or last a week you pass?

Why did your ODM gear fail? It had never done that to you before.

And yet, you still couldn’t bring yourself to dislike the stoic man.

You gather the strength and your belongings and head to the showers. Not lifting your head, you walk blindly the hallways to the showers, having walked the same way for 5 years since your 5 year anniversary when you were given your upgraded room. As part of your promotion, you were given access to the superior showers, dedicated to veterans and officers. As you’re about to knock on the door to see if it is occupied, the door swings open.

Of course Captain Levi had just showered, because he had come inside earlier than you and didn’t have to sulk about his performance. You do your best to muster up a smile and move out of the way for him to leave. You can’t help but look over his sculpted shoulders and biceps, down to his chiseled abs, and the v-line with a happy trail up the middle connecting to the pristine white towel covering the rest.

“L/n,” he says with no emotion, “showers all yours.” He remains looking at your face, noting the eye bags and bloodshot eyes. You must have been crying after your performance today, he thinks to himself. Combined with the dried blood around your eyebrow and nose, he thinks you’ll need a long while in there to recupe.

You nod to him, he walks away and you can’t help but notice his little back dimples as well. You proceed with getting undressed and warming the shower up, ready to sit on the shower floor and cry more. Peeling off the dirty white shirt that will need scrubbed and feeling the cold air against your skin was like stripping off the fuck ups of this morning. You relax under the hot water, watching all the dirt and blood wash down the drain.

Your exhaustion and embarrassment from the morning take over and you begin to sob, crying like you never have before. Not even holding it back, if someone was walking past they surely could hear it. You’re not even sure what you’re technically upset about the most, but right now crying is just what helps. At this point you’re leaning on the tile, out of breath, hiccuping like a child that just finished screaming for their lost mother. You work up the strength to begin washing your long hair foaming shampoo into it and scrubbing. After conditioning and washing your body you are officially exhausted. Wrapping in your two towels and begin the walk back to your room which luckily wasn’t too far. Maybe that’s why Captain Levi also wore his towel leaving the shower.

As you return to your room you look at the fruit Levi brought you last night and sigh. Why would he do that just to kick your ass? You throw on some comfy clothes and crawl back in bed with wet hair, drifting off for a nap.

—

Waking in the early afternoon, you stretch and yawn as you climb out of bed. You begin getting dressed to go to dinner in some of your casual clothes, luckily you don’t have to wear your uniform on weekends. You opt for a button up baby blue flowy dress with a navy sweater over top and your non-work boots.

Assessing the damage of your face in the mirror, you notice the bruises forming around your eyebrow and your nose. You have some scrapes up and down your arms which is why you chose to wear the sweater over. Your body aches. After all the years you’ve spent as a scout you’ve hardly ever had injuries this bad. Never from training though.

As you’re about to head out the door you notice a letter slipped under your door. You assume it is a silly note from Hange trying to lighten your mood. Your grin fades as you see who has signed at the bottom.

“L/n,

Please come to my office after dinner to discuss your performance today.

Captain Levi”

Your stomach sinks. In all these years you’ve never been called to your superiors office. You slip the letter in your bra under your dress and begin to walk to go to dinner.

Luckily Hange and Petra are already seated and you try to slip in without anyone acknowledging you. Given the ass beating you received this morning with a lot of the scouts watching, they can’t help but grimace at your bruised face. You opt for some soup, bread, and vegetables and sit down avoiding eye contact of your peers. Hange and Petra go silent as they watch you take your first few bites.

“Y/n,” hange says gently, “you look awful.”

You do your best to fake a smile to her, pretending like nothing is wrong. “Y/n, please don’t pretend like you’re fine…we’re here to talk,” Petra adds.

“I am fine. I had a bad day of training and I was hungover. I am perfectly fine and will be better by Monday.” You snap back at the both of them. With that they decide to change the topic, and talk about events that are happening in the town square tomorrow. Something about a show and food vendors and lanterns, it’s supposed to be a pretty big deal.

“Do you want to go y/n?” Hange perks up, crossing her fingers that you’ll say yes.

“Maybe, hopefully tomorrow will be better than today.” You try regaining your positivity and friendliness everyone knows you for.

“Someone put a letter under my door while I was napping.” You suddenly change the topic. Petra and Hange look at you with eyebrows raised.

“Captain Levi wants to see me in his office after dinner,” you whisper so nobody around you can hear. “What if I’m getting kicked off for my performance today?”

“I’m sure that’s the last thing it is.” hange says rolling her eyes and taking a huge bite of her bread. Petra sighs, “y/n, don’t look but him and Erwin have been staring at you and whispering this whole dinner.”

Of course you look up to meet steel gray eyes looking back into your own. Instead of shying away you hold eye contact, letting him be the one to break first and turning to Miche on the other side of Erwin.

“I’m not some sad puppy. I’m not going to let one bad day in 10 years determine my future. If Captain Levi wants me to put up a fight, then so be it. Just because I’m the first girl on his squad doesn’t mean I’m going to sit back and take their shit.” You are gaining your confidence back and are not going to falter and beg Levi to let you stay.

“We got the old y/n back,” Hange taunts to Petra, nudging you in the arm. You smile and ask them, “so what are your plans for tonight?”

—

After dinner you head back to your room to put a little makeup on. If this meeting goes well maybe you’ll go into town with Hange and Petra for a girls night. You find yourself wanting to look pretty, just in case, although you never cared about that before.

Levi is more than likely in his office now, as you watched him get up to leave shortly after you had the eye contact stand off. His office and sleeping quarters are just down the hall from you. You push down the butterflies growing within your stomach and sweaty palms as you grow closer to the door. You decide to stand there for a few seconds to control how fast your heart is beating and regain your composure.

However, in the time you stand there you hear noises from inside his office.

Typically if Captain Levi is in, he leaves the door opened a crack so people can welcome themselves in, but this time his door is completely shut. You decide to lean your ear up to the door to see if you actually heard something inside his room. Groaning and a slick noise can be heard, and you immediately blush backing away as quietly as possible.

Before you decide to turn around and go back to your room, your curiosity gets the better of you. You return your ear up to the door. Does Captain Levi have a girl over? Is it someone in the scouts? Your mind wanders as you listen to his beautiful groans and…wait… he’s by himself. Oh my god he’s jacking himself off. You hear him sliding his hand over his cock repeatedly.

You know this is wrong, you know you should walk away and pretend this never happened. But yet, you find a different type of butterflies growing in your stomach now. Not the nervous ones, but the horny ones. You’ve never thought about the captain like this and you know you shouldn’t but his voice is so damn sexy.. and the way you saw the water drop off his body after his shower today… you can’t help but imagine what he looks like right now.

“….y/n…” you hear the faintest moan come through the door and all the color drains from your cheeks. Does he know you’re standing there? No there’s no way he could. He’s getting off thinking about you. But isn’t that kind of fucked up considering everything he put you through today? Maybe he’s attracted to you and that’s how you got on squad Levi and it wasn’t your skills at all.

Your brain grows foggy, not being able to focus on all the ‘what if’s’ anymore but only able to focus on the heat growing between your legs. The speed of his strokes and the frequency of his heavy breathing indicates he is getting close. You feel yourself clench around nothing and right when you’re about to leave you hear it again.

“Fuck, y/n…” so faintly yet you couldn’t have imagined it, not twice. You hear a deep groan as you assume is him spilling his seed. Your mind can’t help wonder where he came, and what his cock looks like, and what he tastes like.

With that you are walking away from his door as quietly as possible and hurriedly walking back to your own. As soon as you’ve made it to your room, your cheeks flushed and so horny you can’t think about anything else. You lock the door and throw yourself onto the bed, pulling up your dress around your waist and lowering your panties. You haven’t relieved yourself in so long and you haven’t been touched by someone else in a few weeks. You run your delicate fingers up and down your slit gathering your wetness to spread it around your clit. Rubbing in small circles you let out a meek moan. The only thing taking up space in your horny brain right now is Captain Levi and the past 10 minutes that took place. You start pushing two fingers in and out of your tight hole thinking if it was him fingering you how it would feel. Would he talk down to you like he did when you were training this morning? The thought of that turns you on to a whole new level. You continue to get yourself off when you hear a distant pair of footsteps in the hallway. You can’t be bothered by how foggy your brain is to care if someone hears you. The cute squelching noises your pussy is making would be enough to send any man over the edge. Your climax is building up so fast you don’t notice how the footsteps come to a stop outside of your door. After another minute of keeping up your movements your orgasm washes over you and you can’t help but let out a throaty “Leeviii” as you feel your back arch off the bed.

You put your panties back on, wiping your hands off on a towel in your room and are finally catching your breath when there is a soft knock on the door.

Good god, the footsteps in the hallway, did someone just hear all that? You look in the mirror to check yourself before opening the door. It looks like you just ran a mile with the way your chest is moving and the blush that creeps across your chest up to your cheeks.

You unlock and open the door to find Captain Levi standing there arms crossed. Trying to hide the mortified expression on your face as the reality sinks in of the past 30 minutes you stutter as you go to greet him, “Captain Levi! How can I help you?” Smiling at him with a glow on your face post orgasm.

“I believe you received the note to see me in my office after dinner,” he sternly responds not an emotion in his eyes. Surely if he had heard you he would’ve at least blushed or something?

“Oh y-yes Captain. I’m so sorry, I stopped by but you were-” you cut yourself off realizing what you were about to say. “Um your door was closed so I was going to stop by again in a few minutes,” you hurriedly finish your thoughts, not being able to maintain eye contact with your superior.

“Ah well, I’m free now so if you wouldn’t mind joining me.” If you’re not mistaken he just smirked at you? Is he playing mind games with you? No there’s no way he knew you were outside of his door, but maybe he did hear you moaning.

“Yes sir,” you follow behind him as he begins the walk to his office.

Either Captain Levi is the cockiest motherfucker in the scouts or he is absolutely oblivious. Or is he a master manipulator? All of your thoughts race as you approach his door again. All the meanwhile you think about how you still can’t hate him.

As you enter into his quaint office you take in the scent of tea spices, a well organized desk and bookshelf, and a small table. You notice a garbage can under the desk with tissues in it and can’t help but wonder…

“Can I offer you some tea?” He asks, walking over to a door on the other side of the room with a tea kettle. “Yes please,” you respond and he goes through the door, which must lead to his sleeping quarters and some type of stove to heat water.

“Please have a seat,” he motions to the small table that has some scouts paperwork on it as he enters back into the room. “It’ll take a few minutes for the water to heat.” You nod, sitting as you try to keep your nerves under control. He is walking around the near space tidying belongings and disappears in the next room again. He comes back with a blanket and some firewood. Lighting a fire in the small fireplace. He hands you the blanket, “‘m sorry it gets cold in here when the sun goes down.” You nod to him placing it on your lap as you hear the tea kettle boiling in the next room over. Does he do this when he meets with all his subordinates? Surely not…. Unless he is as nice as you suspected he was?

Captain Levi returns with a tray with two tea cups the boiling water and a variety of tea bags. “Would you like to pick?” He holds the selection out to you. “Whatever you recommend, I don’t know a lot about tea,” you try to lighten the room with a little giggle but his face remains stoic as he picks two of the same tea bags, setting them aside before placing the tea cups on the table, filling them with the hot water and placing the tea bags in the cups. He sits down at the seat next diagonal from you at the square table, so you both are facing the fire. He then grabs the blanket off your lap, spreading it out so it covers both of you. Everything he does is so calculated, and you are at the edge of your seat to find out more about him and what this meeting is about.

Captain Levi sips his tea first.

He sighs and states without looking at you, “I’m sorry about this morning.”

“Please sir, don’t apologize, I understand it was my fault and I will do better.” You do your best to keep a positive smile on your face even though he isn’t looking at you.

“Another thing about being on my team, don’t fucking lie to me. I’d rather you tell me you’re miserable and hate my guts than be fake to me.”

You are taken aback by his words, you have never heard a captain or high rank want to be addressed less formally. “I-I’m sorry?” You stutter out. He ignores your apology. “Our squad eats every meal together. We all have our rooms around the same area which won’t be a problem since you’re not too far from here anyways. We train 6 days a week unless there is a mission or some sort of order from the higher ups. I highly advise no more drinking and no more romantic involvement with any men..er women I guess.” Still not speaking directly at you he is just holding his tea cup to his lips, not by the handle but holding his hand over top the rim.

“Yes, Captain.” You nod, and he finally looks over to you, studying your face. You grow self conscious until he says, “How is your face feeling? That looked like quite the tumble.” You chuckle, touching your eyebrow. “I think it looks worse than it is. I think I was more embarrassed than anything,” you shrug taking a sip of your tea.

“I know you probably think I’m out to get you, given your experience this morning.” He says still looking in your eyes. Before he finishes his thought you cut him off, “oh not at all sir!”

Levi ignores your objection, continuing, “We have to be the best. I treat my team like brothers. We’ll I guess..erm..sister now too.” He looks away with what looks like a slight pinkness on his cheeks.

“You’ve been in the Scouts for longer than most of our team. You have a good head on your shoulders, I just need to make sure you can keep up with us physically. That’s why I wanted to see how your injuries were holding up this evening.”

You nod, as this feels like a mental game of chess. Captain Levi survived in the underground for years, he is calculated, sharp, even scary smart.

“I’d like for you to choose someone to practice your hand to hand combat skills with over the next few integration trainings. You were pretty good but you have to get great.”

“Yes Captain… would you mind helping me with it? I’d like to learn from the best.” You grin and blush up at him.

“Are you trying to kiss my ass L/n? It’s going to take a lot more than flattery to get on my good side.” He looks over at you with a slight smirk on his face and a playful tone, one of the first times you’ve ever seen him like this.

“Then what else would it take? To get on your good side?” You dare start flirting with your captain, feeling awfully bold and somewhat unhinged after all the events that have taken place today.

“You’ll have to figure that out yourself,” he says in a low, sultry tone as his eyes look from yours down to your lips and back. He reaches his hand over and you freeze, but he wipes off some tea from the corner of your lip and retreats his hand back.

“So I have to ask… since you said you stopped by earlier. I heard some footsteps approach my door while I was attending to some … personal matters.. and it seems they stopped and listened for a few minutes. You didn’t happen to see who it was did you?” Levi smirks staring at the fireplace, knowing he has caught you red handed as your face blushes hard.

“Next time, just knock. I could have used some assistance. It sounded like you needed some to,” he has a shit eating cocky grin, being the master manipulator he is looking over to you with your jaw dropped.

Link to part 2

[sgiandubh]

Not your previous anon, so don't impel me. 😉

Interesting that you believe C to be a "very, very good actress" but S is a "gifted actor".

From what I've seen of both, I think that C was blessed with innate talent and her versatility is eye-catching.

S is good but not memorable. He doesn't command the screen. And, I say this after watching most of his projects. Outside OL, he hasn't impressed. To me, he's himself in all. Same facial tics that we've noticed since S1. After Suspect, I had little hope for TCND because the same director was in charge. Unfortunately I was right. S was no better than before. I'd advise him not to work with Dries Vos anymore. He's awful. At this point I'm not sure it's just the inferior roles S takes but that it has more to do with his limited acting abilities. After 10 years I hoped for better.

Dear Not Memorable Anon,

How ironic. A very recent comment I had the imprudence to post in one of my threads, basically wishing for 'more complex roles ' for S immediately attracted me an insult from someone (it does not matter who, but a shipper or rather a fencer, I should say), who thought I was a 'brainless moron'. I still do not understand why and I did explain what I meant.

I see great potential in S and you seem to forget the grueling schedule they have because of OL, forcing them to refuse a lot of pitched projects. Her choices were probably better oriented, bearing in mind that I only saw her in Belfast, outside OL, and was underwhelmed with the whole movie, but enthusiastic enough with her. As for him, let's say that When the Starlight Ends was a tragic BS all the way, but also a wonderful, totally disinterested gesture of kindness towards a personal friend. The rest, I am not interested to see and I still wish for that breakthrough movie project allowing him to: a) emancipate his image from (yes, fellow insulting blogger!) the very complex OL/JAMMF formula and b) explore something else than action movies with lots of muscle. TCND was not that bad, but not nearly good enough. Yet, he is still around and he works and people watched him. All these are very good news for a very volatile market, post strike. Oh, and I almost forgot about Love Again - haven't seen it and I suspect it is forgettable.

That being said, I hope you realize that all these opinions, mine and yours alike, are completely personal and subjective. On the other hand, any indicators measuring audience are exactly that: numbers and statistics. It's exactly like discussing a Jackson Pollock painting: you might think it's the cat's meow. However, I might also think it's someone who randomly kicked a bunch of cans with paint on a canvas. And then smeared everything with the demented energy of a 5 year old, left to his/her own devices:

So I am not going to impale you, Anon. My fellow, Vlad, here, might have, though:

Those guys were Ottoman envoys. It is a relief to be able to confirm, as a diplomat with a severe bout of insomnia, things did really change somewhat, since 1499.

Don't push your luck, though.

[kaythefloppa]

How would you rewrite The Lion Guard?

Ooh, good question.

Will pre-face this by saying that I enjoy The Lion Guard and am far more forgiving towards it than others (primarily because I was in the show's target demographic when it came out nearly 10 years ago, so I had a closer attachment to/attraction towards it than, people who were old enough to see the original film drop in theaters). That being said, it has a lot of flaws, some commonly pointed out by the fandom, others not so much (and around 70% of them stem around the finale, which.. we'll get to). So here are some major things I'd rewrite about the show itself (not like, every individual episode because that would be hell lmao)

Word vomit ahead because I have too many opinions on this children's show.

Season 1:

I'd definitely include more of Nala in the pilot episode, maybe showing her personal thoughts on the matter, perhaps even teaching Kion how to fight, or a throwaway line implying that. Also, I would definitely provide explanation on how Scar got away with killing his Lion Guard, and on why Kiara became so obsessed with becoming Queen. Additionally, I'd show some background lions (i.e. non-characters because we can't let them overshadow the mains), just so that we can actually buy Simba's point on there being other lions for the guard (but like, at the end of the day, we know Kion's team will prove themselves/be better). And lastly, I'd fix the climax to where Simba would try to rescue Kiara and then somehow get injured/stuck, so the Guard would have to save both of them from the stampede. I think those main things left a bad impression towards fans outside of the target demo, even as they got better on so, I think re-tooling them a bit would save a lot of that dissonance.

This was something I really wanted to see in the show as a kid; Episodes where the main characters meet "good" animals in the same species as their villains. Jasiri's introductory episode made me think they were going to have this as a recurring theme, where each member of the guard meets an animal who they initially judge for being the same species as their counterpart villain, only to realize that they're pretty great. For example, Beshte meeting a friendly crocodile (this was before S2) Bunga protecting a cobra (or alternatively, rescuing Ushari from the hyenas), Fuli meeting a jackal that's actually honest, or Ono even working together with a friendly vulture (that part specifically I fixated on, because I had this whole story in my head about the unnamed 'third vulture' in Mzingo's flock who goes through this whole character redemption arc, but I digress). This I believe would've fixed the issue that some people had about the portrayal of predatory animals in the series. Because yeah, on a Watsonian level, these villains are in every way amoral, the Lion Guard stops them from over-hunting, not hunting in general. On a Doylist level, the ratio of evil predators to good predators is way imbalanced, and I think this approach that 9 year old me thought this show would go, would've been a huge-lifesaver for the series in that department.

The Kupatana Celebration: The jackals would attempt to steal from the Pride Landers whilst they're all distracted, leading up to the Pride Landers fighting them. I'd also change some dialouge so that Kion and the Guard wouldn't come across as though they are right for hating jackals, and so that Janja wouldn't be proven right in his attempted murder of a child by the narrative.

The Trouble with Galagoes: Makucha and Mapigano would be streamlined into one character. Not only would it save a lot of time, money, and budget just using one model, but it would show the true menace Makucha is, because he was badly nerfed in the show when he became the new Big Bad.

Lions of the Outlands: I have so many mixed opinions on this episode. On one hand, the moral is actually pretty great, a perfect mirror to Never Judge a Hyena By Its Spots. And on that note, we see more of Jasiri and her clan. On the other hand, the Outsiders are in it, for no other reason than to both tie into TLK 2, and build up to the finale, (and they fail entirely on those two merits). The one thing I'd change is make it a two-parter in the middle of the season. The first part would explain the mystery behind the Outsiders, maybe even filling in some of the legit plot-holes the second movie had with them. The second part would be where the real action and conflict begins, with Kion choosing the hyenas over lions and blasting them away to the termite mounds (and I'd easily cut the "Our New Home" to "Our Old Home.)" Vitani would also have more of a presence in this episode, mainly so that it'll be less jarring when we see her again as the successor to the main cast.

And on another note, I would have Janja team up with Kion and Jasiri against Zira as a temporary alliance. It would just seem like an interesting idea. The point of the episode is Kion's views being turned on their head as he realizes that the lions he's meeting aren't as open-minded or kind as him. Having him come to the defense of his most hated rival, even temporarily, would've added to that juxtaposition, and maybe foreshadow his redemption.

I'd definitely rewrite Bunga to make his personality better. Don't get me wrong, it does get better in the show, but in early S1, they try too hard to recapture the magic of Timon and Pumbaa's comedy from the original. It'd be much better to allow him to serve as a comic relief on his own scale to allow a better first impression of him as one of the main characters.

Allow an introduction episode for Ushari. For someone who is supposed to be the hidden secondary antagonist of the series, he gets no introduction episode, and no revelance beyond just cameos and running gags; So unlike Makuu, you don't resonate with him enough to accept him as a key player later on down the line. There was an episode plotline involving a cobra harassing some songbirds that was never greenlit because it was inaccurate t o cobra behavior, but I think Artistic License aside, it would've made okay groundwork for Ushari to appear.

More non-lion characters. In a show where the overall message is "different animals can do just as well as, if not better than lions," and featuring the different animals that contribute to the Circle of Life, they did pretty well, but I would've loved them do more. Episodes with painted dogs, and the values of communication. Episodes with caracal cats where the heroes learn not to underestimate, episodes with that one African Rock Python that encourages boundaries, episodes with secratarybirds where you can stomp the shit out of grumpy bastards who want to kill children. Cool shit.

I'd tone down Kion's roar a lot. I don't mind it in a fantasy setting, but I think a lot of tension, conflicts, and character arcs are undermined by it. I would've preferred it if we had episodes in Season 1 where Kion slowly learns how to use the Roar's powers, akin to Elena of Avalor's Scepter of Light/Night story arcs. Tie that in with him speaking with Mufasa. The more he controls the power of the spirits, the more he is able to speak to them. In the meantime, I'd allow some villains' defeats to be accreddited to the characters themselves, for example, Cheezi and Chungu defeat Nne and Tano themselves, Anga, Ono, and Hadithi being able to chase off the vultures, or Hodari and Makuu both working together to drive off Kiburi.

I'd change the episode arrangement. Mainly to allow future seasons to actually start with the episodes that begin their respective seasons' arcs. The first 5 episodes of Season 2 would be placed near the end of Season 1 to establish a mini-arc about the dry season coming up soon, with the last of these 5 episodes being the Savannah Summit, showing Makuu's redemption and signifying that there's gonna be a change in tune. Then we'd get Trail to Udugu as the Season 1 finale, which would wrap up Kion and Kiara's sibling rivalry from the pilot and show Simba firsthand how well Kion's team is structured through its diversity. It would register as a perfect season finale without there being a heavy ongoing arc for it to cap off.

Season 2

The Rise of Scar would serve as the Season 2 premiere (which it originally was supposed to be, until it was pushed up 5 episodes). And while kicks off the best portion of the show, (S2) it does ultimately also cap itself off in the worst portion of the show (S3), so some stuff I would change:

Ushari's heel-face-turn. It sucks. Even ignoring the messy implications of having the only snake character become a generic bad guy because "evil venomous snake," it's bad character writing. Not only do we have no proper introduction to his character, not only was his prior relevance relegated to background appearances, but his motivation is extremely hollow, so much so that it's forgotten entirely by the time the episode is over and replaced with a new one (that also comes up out of nowhere and has fuck all to do with anything). More than once in future episodes is it implied that Ushari wants reptiles to rule the Pride Lands, and honestly, I think that would've/should've been his motivation for his betrayal. Maybe he sees how other reptiles struggle during the dry season and the Lion Guard is so pre-occupied with the other animals and disasters that he winds up feeling neglected and angry. This is what turns him to villainy.

I would have Mzingo in on the Scar ressurection plotline. One beef I have with S2 is that Mzingo, who was the duel antaognist of the pilot, gets sidelined entirely. Ushari essentially replaces him as the hyenas' spy, with several scenes clearly resembling that of the pilot (right down to the song, which is essentially diet Tonight we Strike). It wouldn't have done much to add Mzingo in, but it would've made sense, and allow for interesting interactions between Ushari and Mzingo.

Instead of Janja, it's Ushari who causes Kion to roar by revealing his betrayal and threatening his family. This does water down Janja a bit, but again, with the idea that he'll be redeemed in due time, you have to put some limit on how far his villainous actions go.

Rescue in the Outlands. Good. God. On its own, it's perfectly fine, but Season 3 manages to make it retroactively worse. If they wanted to give hints that Janja was redeemable, redeem him at all, and imply a ship-tease between him and Jasiri, they should've dialed back some of the shit he does to allow him come across as less iredeemable. The writers didn't have to have him try to incinerate Jasiri and the cubs, and they didn't have to have him openly mock them as they're about to explode, but because they did, it shoots his rushed redemption arc right in the bloody foot. The episode would've worked fine with some workaround.

The workaround I would have for that? Well, I would have it be where Janja chases Jasiri's clan out of the Outlands so they're forced to hide in the Pride Lands until the Lion Guard helps them take it back. We'd see that Janja is content with Jasiri making it out alive under the assumption that she wouldn't come back. Still technically evil, but not anything way over the line. This would also allow Simba and Nala to be introduced to Jasiri, overcoming their own prejudice and bias about hyenas like Kion did, which would make for a far more entertaining subplot than... ugh... Thurston. And in the end, Simba and Nala help Jasiri and the Lion Guard flush out Janja.

The Bite of Kenge: I would include Makuu, just for the awesome factor, and the biology reference: Because crocodiles and monitor lizards are mortal enemies due to how the latter preys on the hatchlings of the former. Makuu absolutely rocking Kenge's shit would be so awesome. And also we'd get Makini and Makuu sharing dialouge (which I swear to god, does not happen at all in the show, FUCK!)

The first half of Season 2 would have Ushari as a red-herring, with several attacks from Outlanders accreddited to him. It isn't until the midseason finale where the Guard discovers that Scar is alive and realizes that he's the real threat they need to take out.

Speaking of the midseason, I would cut out Sumu entirely. He's a cool character and all, but I find it hilarious how not once does Scar consider sending Ushari, a cobra, in to bite the enemy team. Especially since the species of scorpion that Sumu is happens to be non-lethal (whoops!). Anyways, I'd have it be where Ushari takes Sumu's role of poisoning the king, biting him on the tail. This would invoke fear into the other Pride Landers, who deem him to be the big threat to the Pride Lands (i.e. red herring). Ushari's betrayal would be a secondary conflict in the episode, as they still struggle with the idea that one of their own could turn on their home. Ultimately, Scar's return is revealed, and that Ushari's betrayal was in the means of bringing forward a worse threat to the Pride Lands, which sets the tone for the remainder of the season.

Speaking of which, I would keep Kenge in. According to the writers, he left the army off-screen to avoid getting blasted by Kion's Roar, which to me, seems like a clever way of saying "We couldn't get the royalties to re-hire our Game of Thrones guest-star onto our preschooler show as a series regular." But like, I think having him stay on the army would just add more man-power, because why introduce him if he's not gonna play a role in the final battle.

An episode where Scar attempts to contact Zira to be in his army, but the Guard thwards him. Again, just a minor change. Also, once again, we'd see Vitani, possibly her facing off against Kion, to further the idea that she strongly rivals Kion in ferocity, which sets up the finale in a more natural light.

The Hyena Resistance would show both Kion and Jasiri rescuing Janja. That way, his redemption would come across as less of him crushing on Jasiri and more of him having his worldview legitmately changed. Additionally, we would have Kion or Jasiri mention the true cause of Scar's death to Janja, who would deny it at first, listing it as lies.

Pride Landers Unite and Fire From the Sky are meshed into one plotline, so Anga is introduced earlier on. I find it stupid that even though Mzingo is clearly on Scar's side, they don't at all consider him a suspect for the fire sticks. Plus having all of the Outlanders face off against the Pride Landers would be more thematic this way. Additionally, I'd have more members on the team, such as Big Baboon, Thurston, and even some of the giraffes.

Much like with S1, I would change the episode ordering around a lot, mainly because I think some events and interactions do not make sense when viewed by airing order. For example, the Hyena Resistance builds up to the idea that Janja would redeem himself, and the skinks also report Janja's hesitation to Scar, but that apparently means nothing when Janja is working with Scar two episodes after this one. And I feel like Kion gathering forces to help him defeat Scar would be the inciting incident for the end of the final battle.

The order I would arrange S2b in: The Scorpion's Sting -> The Wisdom of Kongwe -> The Kilio Valley Fire -> Undercover Kinyonga -> The Zebra Mastermind -> The Underground Adventure -> Beshte and the Beast -> The Queen's Visit -> The Hyena Resistance -> Pride Landers Unite/Fire From the Sky -> Cave of Secrets -> The Fall of Mizimu Grove

The Fall of Mizimu Grove would serve as the Season 2 finale (as it serves as a climax of the ongoing conflict, but not in a way that ends it). We'd show Jasiri and her clan, Ushari and his skinks, as well as Anga and the birds taking part in the battle before Scar himself is revealed. Otherwise, the episode is mainly unchanged, and once again, the finale of the second season.

Season 3:

I posted a rewrite of S3 onto the Lion King subreddit, but in the context of a rewrite of the grand series, things go differently.

Battle for the Pride Lands would be expanded into a 6-episode story arc, in which the older characters make their final stand in the fight against Scar. I take issue with the fact that for years, they built up Scar as a force to be wreckoned with, dragged the arc into S3, only to end it entirely there. I've entertained the idea of the special being the finale to S2, but I think this approach also works, just to allow the audience to get settled in with the new 'norm' just as a way to fix some of the pacing and writing issues I found in what was otherwise, the best episode of the series.

In this 6-episode story arc, I would allow a redemption arc for Janja in the premiere episode, so that he could have more time to atone for his mistakes. Janja would redeem himself in the premiere after realizing the truth behind Scar's death and that Jasiri and Kion were telling the truth. Janja would immediately leave Scar's army and encounter Jasiri. "A New Way to Go" would be a duet between them. Eventually, let's say Scar traps Janja's clan and Kion's Guard in the lair, and as they're all swimming away, Kion gets stuck and Janja is able to rescue him from drowning. This allows a heart-to-heart between them which also extends to the rest of his clan, Jasiri's clan, and even some of the Pride Landers. The episode ends with Janja joining forces with the Pride Lands, giving them the info they need to beat Scar once and for all.

In the second episode of this arc, we focus on the Outlanders, specifically their reaction to having almost killed Janja. One other beef I have with the special is how the Outlanders besides Janja are all given a backseat, and are eventually just hand-woven redemptions and written off entirely. So my rewrite allows more character development at the end of their story arc. We'd see scenes with Mzingo, him feeling regretful over having almost killed his partner (either accidentally or purposefully). And we'd focus on Dogo and his siblings, who took a backseat in S2, but would now be older. We'd see what Dogo was up to in S2, maybe watching in fear as his parents and siblings would get into more dangerous situations. He'd be old enough to fight, but he's completely burnt out and disillusioned. Essentially we'd see him get the redemption arc he was robbed of. The episode would end with him leaving, and Kijana staying (to show the idea that some people can change, but others can't). The episode ends with Scar threatening the remainder of his army with death if they turned against him, which is what gets them to join his team, but internally, they know that Janja was right for turning on them. Meanwhile, Ushari is still as evil as ever.

Episode 3 of this arc would focus on Kion enlisting help from the other kingdoms; The Theluji Mountains and the Backlands, in order for the impending battle ahead. This would allow some old characters like Sokwe, the Gorilla Princes, Dhahabu, and Badilli to return, and we'd learn more about their history and origins. Meanwhile, we see Scar recruit Makucha on his army to replace Janja.

Episode 4 of this arc would follow through on the redemption arcs. Specifically involving a moral in which not everyone will forgive you, but that shouldn't stop you from trying to be a better person. I think this episode would involve Janja and Dogo helping Ma Tembo and the elephants and hippos take back Kilio Valley and Big Springs, which puts a huge dent in Scar's plans. Perhaps Zito and Johari are those who choose not to forgive Janja and Dogo, but Ma Tembo and Basi do. Plus Janja and Dogo would make a really funny duo.

Episode 5 delves into Scar's past. I think the biggest problem with the backstory in the show is that it is entirely tacked on and is only there for plot contrivance. An entire episode would've been more serviceable, especially with the direction they were headed with. I'd change the backstory entirely. Here, I'd have it be where a rouge lion clawed Scar, and then having the cobra spit at him before he roars them away. He is hailed as a hero throughout the Pride Lands, feeding into his ego until it becomes too big for him, so he plots to overthrow Mufasa. When they refuse, he teams up with the hyenas to get rid of them. He lures them into the Outlands where he roars at them, and the hyenas hide what's left. The hyena clan take the fall, and Scar is left off the hook, but powerless. This is what Scar decides to use as inspiration to defeat Kion once and for all. Meanwhile, Kion and the Lion Guard search through the paintings of Scar's past and see what the audience sees in the flashbacks. At the end, they discover a cave painting of Askari putting out a fire at the Tree of Life, which re-inforces their belief that the Roar can and will stop Scar.

Episode 6 is the big special that caps everything off. The Lion Guard take their battle with Scar into the Outlands. A large majority of the battle portion of the original special would take up this episode. We'd see everyone join in, including Kinyonga, Badilli, the baboons and zebras, we'd see Ushari, Kenge, and the skinks facing off against the reptiles, Simba and his lionesses fighting jackals, Timon and Pumbaa causing mayhem, it's this whole big fucking thing. Eventually the Lion Guard is able to defeat them, but Ushari and Makucha double back. Ushari bites Kion, but it's established that it's only a small dosage of venom that will affect his mind, then Makucha scratches him, giving him a scar.

The big thing I'd change here is that I'd actually have Kion roar at the volcano to make it erupt. Jasiri and Kiara help lead the Pridelanders and Outlanders away from the lava flow. This would allow a set-up for Jasiri eventually ruling the Outlanders, and establish future events of the second movie where Kiara is willing to unite opposing sides in order for a brighter future for all. Meanwhile, the Lion Guard find themselves trapped as the lava surrounds them. Scar taunts them in their final hour, but that is when Kion decides that instead of destroying his enemies for injuring him, he offers them forgiveness, using the Roar to summon the Lions of the Past to destroy Scar. Makucha runs off in anger, and we get the same moment of Ushari's death, which would give off the idea that whilst offering forgiveness is good, some people are too far gone.

I'd make the Mark of Evil more well-defined by stating that Kion will lose control of the Roar and act out more with the small amount of venom within him. Not the whole "you will forget the difference between right and wrong" bullshit. The journey to the Tree of Life begins.

I'd rewrite the villains: A lot. This post did a far better rewrite of the S3 villains than I ever could, especially keeping in the theme of each villain being a 'counterpart' of the main heroes, so I'll link ya there. But yeah, I would allow Makucha to remain the intense threat he is, and give the villains' squad more numbers. I'd also probably switch out Chuluun and Varya's species. A tiger would be absolutely terrifying as a villain, and Varya and her cubs being attacked would be a lot less stupid if she were a smaller cat. I'd also have Mama Binturong be paired against Ono, as they are both the "brains" of their respective teams. Maybe Ono is able to use his knowledge on porcupines/binturongs to guide Bunga over to the Tuliza stash, and Mama Binturong targets him. I would also objectively have Mpishi in the army, she was robbed of a re-appearance.

I'd probably change the animation and voice-direction on Azaad to look younger, because he strikes as way too old for Fuli. And I'd probably keep their dynamic platonic.

Friends to the End is rehauled entirely. The episode assassinated Bunga's character development, and was low-stakes overall in ways that just do the main characters a disservice. Have him actually be worried as to what would happen to Kion, have his friends disagree with him thinking he's wrong. Have Bunga be the one to challenge Kion when he mouths off at Beshte, and have the titular song actually be sung to Kion.

Change the Night Pride. The Tree of Life is meant to be a congregation of biodiversity, so it would only make sense that its protectors be a mixed group of animals and not just more bland-looking lions (Asiatic lion portrayal is appreciated, but I think this was the wrong way to go at it). Once again, saw someone else do a far better rewrite of this, with the royal family as tigers, and with Nirmala and Surak as a dhole and buffalo, respectively.

I'd change Rani's character. A LOT. I think part of the reason why Rani has become such a divisive and controversial character in the fandom is because of her lack of accountability. She doesn't apologize to Kion and the Guard for her part in the misunderstanding, she doesn't apologize them for accusing them of leading Makucha and co. there, and even when Kion and Rani have seemingly come eye-to-eye in Long Live the Queen, the next episode continues to have Rani talk down to Kion, saying he has "potential" and not apologizing. I like when characters have flaws, but it's not satisfying when they don't acknowledge those flaws, apologize, and grow. Having Rani and Baliyo apologize towards the Guard, like say, at the end of Little Old Ginterbong, and gradually learning from their impulsive mistakes would be good character development, and it would allow audiences to get more used to Rani.

More episodes at the Tree of Life. One big issue with the show's ending is that it up and puts so much limelight on the Tree of Life in the finale when it's only been present for over 9 episodes. That's not enough time to get us to care, especially if your main character(s) will be moving in there by the finale. We should've had more episodes at the tree to learn about its history, how it's structured as a kingdom, the biodiversity there. Maybe even tie in with the other hanging threads of lore such as the Evil Lions of the Past, Askari's connection to the Tree of Life, his discovery of the Roar of the Elders, and the prophecy on the Roar returning to the Tree of Life. One of the writers themselves even said that they had a vision for the Night Pride's backstory including the disappearance of Rani and Baliyo's parents and the origin of Rani's scar, that, because of the limited episodes they had planned for the final season never actually made it into the series. If Season 2 can have nearly 30 episodes, then Season 3 can come close to that mark, especially when it's the end of the story and you need to put your all into it.

I would change Binga into a sloth-bear. This is actually a key detail of canon divergence in my fanfic, Roar Towards the Future, but to re-iterate, I HATE canon Binga with a passion. Lazy, unoriginal, and reeks of a lot of tired, worn out tropes from the 2000's. And yeah, it's an interspecies relationship, but in a world where the animals can talk sing, and communicate with each other, would it have hurt to change the species at least? Also, we get an Ono solo song because we were fucking robbed.

I'd change the specifics of Kion's healing, where he is cured of the venom, but still is unable to control the Roar, so Nirmala continues the healing, to which Kion realizes is not physical anymore, it's emotional, and that him mastering the Roar represents him finally having both his body and mind at peace. I really didn't like how S3a built up the venom to be Kion's problem that he needed fixing, only for S3b to say, "nope, it's just trauma," and have his healing focus around that. It's a good idea on paper, especially if you view the venom as a metaphor, but in reality, the way it's executed just gives off the idea that mental/physical health issues are one in the same thing in a box, and that treating one will inherently and unoequivically treat the other, which uhm... is a terrible message to have in a kids' show. They should've not brought up the venom at all and have that be the message from the start, or resolve the venom plot-line and point out how that's not where the healing journey ends, because the end-result makes it seem like the writers just forced the venom in there as an excuse to write Kion out of the Pride Lands in time for TLK 2, with no thought forbeyond plot contrivance.

I'd have the Lion Guard age from teenagers to young adults in S3, starting with the episode Long Live the Queen, to give off the idea that the Guard has stayed at the Tree of Life for a while to the point where defending it from the villains/Kion's healing has become the new norm. According to the writers, they wanted them to remain teenagers until the end, as a contrast to Kiara being an adult, but I think that shoots their story in the foot when it's somewhat a coming of age story, as well as the marriage thing in the finale, so I would personally have them shown to be grown up starting in the episode of Janna's death. I'd also have the origin of Rani's scar be explained. And I'd also establish closure for Sarabi by having Kion say he never met any of his grandparents. I think Sarabi deserved at least some closure in the series.

The Lake of Reflection flashback confuses me so much, because like, Janja is a teen, presumably an older teen when Kion is a cub, I highly doubt he'd be this tiny ass cub when Kion was a toddler. I would just have the flashback include everyone's S1 models pre-Return of the Roar.

I would probably have the final battle at the Tree of Life be a mirror to Pride Landers Unite, where the animals of the Tree of Life help the Lion Guard and Night Pride defeat Makucha and his gang. I'd also have the Rani/Kion romance be a separate episode on its own, which would then end with the cliffhanger of Kion being asked to stay.

Oh boy, the finale. Basically, the main thing I'd change is that it'd be an extended episode, possibly a double-length episode, or even triple-length like the Elena of Avalor finale, just to wrap everything up. Vitani's Guard is made of a mixture of different species on the Lion Guard. You can even keep the all female aspect, just have them be different animals than lions. You'd expand more on the TLK 2 callbacks (i.e. mentioning Nuka, suckers!), wrap up more character arcs, have Vitani and her team actually earn her moment (like say, defeating a new enemy, or maybe Makucha's army comes back and Vitani saves the day). I'd cut the entire bullshit contest, it is so stupid. And by the end, Kion chooses to give up the Roar and stay at the Tree of Life with Rani, BUT the rest of his friends stay at the Pride Lands, (including Makini, because she deserved to stay). The ending isn't focused around Kion and Rani's teenage wedding (because for one, they wouldn't be teens) but it would focus on the animals of the Pride Lands and Tree of Life commemorating Kion's former Lion Guard for all of their years of defending the Circle of Life, ending on a reworked version of "Here Comes the Lion Guard" from the soundtrack.

And lastly, (this is just wish-bait). An epilouge scene showing a reunion between Kion's former Guard in the Pride Lands, depicting the new lives they lead years into the future. As the sun begins to rise, they all head to Pride Rock just in time for a royal celebration; The presentation of Queen Kiara's second-born cub, who will lead the Lion Guard of the next generation. Roll the credits!

[rizaposting]

💜 and 💖 please!!!

Happy Monday~

Thank you for sending one of these! I'm going to try to be nicies even when I'm talking about my Hater Tendencies <:]

💜: Which character is way hotter than everyone else seems to think?

My obvious answer is Riza, like, sure, most people would agree that she's pretty or conventionally attractive but I don't think she has NEARLY as many simps as she deserves.

My less obvious answer is -inhales very loudly and dramatically- BREDA!!!! People are usually too busy being shitty about fat people to even realize that he's probably stronger than Armstrong (in a practical sense: strongmen and bodybuilders have incredibly different physiques and Breda is BUILT) and is super smart and would treat you right. I bet he has a fat hog too just saying WHAT who said that

💖: What is your biggest unpopular opinion about the series?

Ohh boy. FMAB is the worst iteration of FMA as a whole. People do not like when I say this because they think that I mean to say that it's bad and, no; as far as shonen anime goes it's GOOD! But it's still the weakest iteration. FMAB was never meant to be "THE definitive way to experience fma" like people treat it to be and it shows. The pacing was weird because it a) assumed you watched FMA03 already and b) was on a time crunch to sync up with the end of the manga, which is understandable but a huge detriment to it 10 years later. Easily should have had another season. Also imo it's ugly (especially in the earlier seasons) and I wish they had waited to product it until like 2013 or went with a different studio than Bones. 😔 If you LIKED FMAB I will beg and plead with you to read the manga because it's not very long, you can find it on MangaDex, and you will be surprised seeing what was changed or cut out entirely. You don't have to... but, I dunno, I've just never personally understood the mentality of "omg this is my favorite anime!!!! but I WON'T read the manga"....

I know there will be people pointing out my FMA03 bias, when some people would rank it lower than FMAB, but I would at least argue that FMA03 has it's own merit by having it's own identity that is uniquely it--if you want FMA03, you have to watch FMA03. For the "mangahood" canon, FMAB and the manga do the same thing, but the manga obviously does it better.

Obligatory disclaimer: You're very normal if you love FMAB. You're not a bad person and you don't have bad taste

[defira85]

OC Deep Dive Questions

Thank you @adorablebanite for the tag! I think you've tagged nearly everyone in the Gortash fandom so I won't double inflict it on people 🤣

We'll shock absolutely everyone and do Kassara

What common/uncommon fear do they have?

I think I've said before that her greatest fear is being alone - Daddy's plan for her to be the last one left at the end of the world is a fucking nightmare for her. That's his fault by making her a twin though, she's never been alone ever in her life even before Gorty Boy came on the scene

Uncommon fear, hmm... I don't know what constitutes uncommon for Toril and for a Bhaalspawn... there's a vain little piece of her that's terrified that Gortash won't find her attractive one day, that he'll wise up to her being a weirdly unnatural sentient blob of goo made from gore and not, you know, a person and he'll tell her she's disgusting... she got the Bhaalspawn breeding urges wrong and she's terrified of being a bad mother, do either of those count?

Do they have any pet peeves?

She hates cryptic bullshit. Withers is SO lucky Carmela and the rest of the extended party were around to moderate her temper. That's what you get after a decade or more of Sarevok and Sceleritas just mysteriously telling her she'll know what to do in order to resurrect Bhaal without giving her any fucking help in the matter at all. Be frank with her, or shut up

What are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

Soap - old habits die hard but she's always got some sort of rubbing alcohol or hand soap or something to get the worst off her hands. Lube - listen. She's in her late 30s at the time of the game. It's good to have a little help. Moisturiser - again, she's in her late 30s, her skin isn't as bouncy as it was 15 years ago, and that was before she underwent multiple autopsies and flensings at the hands of Kressa.

What do they notice first in a person?

Their pulse

On a scale from 1-10, how high is their pain tolerance?

Oh it's so high. Baby girl was born to relish in pain, her own and other peoples, but now she's older and spent six months on an autopsy table and now she has what the kids call chronic pain and so she's a little slower on the uptake than she used to be. Still a titan though, no matter what Ao says.

Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

It depends on the situation? If it's an active danger situation, she's fight all the way. If it's an emotional confrontation, you know she's going to burst into angry tears and run away

Do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

TWINSIES. Sarevok wasn't entirely sure that the ritual that created her in the Throne of Blood was foolproof, so he made a backup, and she got herself a twin brother. She and Heron were inseparable up until they got to the Bhaalist temple in their teens, at which point Sarevok instructed Orin and Sceleritas to immediately separate them and try to drive a wedge between them.

(Spoilers for KTMTB but she does want a big family, desperately. And she gets one, in the end)

What animal represents them best?

I vaguely recall answering this on another meme at some point and saying she was a white tiger, but I also think polar bear. Both big, chunky animals, plenty of fat on them, but you wouldn't question for a moment that they're wildly muscular and incredibly dangerous. Also, not uncommon to see a wild pale white woman covered in blood in the Lower City like a polar bear covered in seal blood running across the tundra

What is a smell they dislike?

Mint. She hates mint

Have they broken any bones?

Defira the Author has a Thing about broken bones (not quite a trigger, but bluh) so I tend to avoid writing them in my fics because they make me. Dizzy and such. But I am fairly certain that Bane broke one of her wing bones in Banehold when she turned up to fight him for Gortash's soul (she's got Ansur's soul, she's a draconic valkyrie at that point)

How would a stranger likely describe them?

Incredibly attractive but wildly unsettling. A smile that's bordering on unhinged at times. A stillness that makes you want to break into a sprint. You can tell you're in the presence of a predator.

Are they a night owl, or morning bird?

That's a good question, I never thought about it before, but I'm going to say Night Owl by necessity

What’s a flavour they hate and a flavour they love?

She hates mint. She loves vanilla and cherry blossom

Do they have any hobbies?

She really enjoys learning, and she'd probably be a career student if she could. She particularly loves the sciences and even some of her more dense volumes on astrophysics made the mathematician in Gortash bewildered

Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to surprise?

She'd be delighted! To some extent. Bhaalspawn are naturally inclined to avoid too much attention but she was always a diva. She loves having people fawn over her

Do they like to wear jewellery?

Her wedding ring almost never comes off post canon, and lbr she was wearing it constantly in the last few years before the game too (before it was technically a wedding ring). She's a glam bitch and she always did love to dress up so you know she's got entire cabinets full of stolen jewellery from her victims, she mixes and matches for her next gala appearance

Do they have neat or messy handwriting?

Immaculate handwriting, perfect calligraphy. She can replicate and imitate almost any handwriting she comes across though, she's a natural forger and mimic (well, we SAY natural, but it was drilled into her by repetition)

What are the two emotions they feel the most?

Pre-game canon: The urge versus a frustrated sense of yearning for a kind of normalcy that she could never have because that's not what she was made for

Game canon: A bubbling, seething, angry frustration because her body and her impulses scare her! They frustrate her!! What the fuck is her body doing!! As well as a yawning sense of horror and dread as the void in her head where her memories should be begins to look less like a void and more like a gaping chasm with something horrific at the bottom

Post-game canon: That lingering sense of dread and doubt that she has herself under control, far and away outweighed by her blissful delight at the happy ending she found

Do they have a favourite fabric?

I don't think she does actually... I think she likes Gortash's jacket, the texture of it and the smell of it... the way worn-in leather feels when it's been worn for years, and the layers and layers of body odour and sweat (my girl likes his musk, what can I say)

What kind of accent do they have?

I don't actually know what her real voice sounds like - there's so many layers to how she presents herself, the lives she's had to live from her first family to the orphanage to the second family to living on the streets to the Bhaalist temple... she's just a natural mimic, switching herself up to match the environment she's in.

She has a naturally very soft, higher pitched voice. Very girlish. It's another one of those things that makes people underestimate her. After waking up on the nautiloid she has a few months where she's quite husky because she's spent six months having her vocal chords either a) not used or b) being carefully flayed by Kressa to see how fast they regenerate with her titan blood so she sounds a bit more vampish after that. Still very soft spoken though

[blackswallowtailbutterfly]

Things that are true at the same time

1) Romantic relationships are presented as the be all and end all of human relatonships, especially to women.

2) Given how other animals pair up, there is probably also a biological drive to find a mate.

3) Humans have proven time and time again that they will risk anything to have a chance at a romantic relationship, including external violence (for interracial relationships, homosexual relationships, relationships outside of marriage, any other relationship not approved of by family or the state) or internal violence (thousands of women are killed by their current or former husbands or boyfriends each year).

4) However, it is entirely possible for a human to have a fulfilling life without a romantic partner, and plenty of people have done so--women are at their happiest in their mid 80s, which is after the life expectancy of men.

5) Danger due to external violence and internal violence is not the same.

6) There is no social pressure to specifically be in a homosexual relationship while plenty exists specifically for a heterosexual relationship.

7) Opposite-sex-attracted women will often be shamed for their choice in relationships but it’s not to do with their opposite sex attraction.

8) Same-sex-attracted women will often be shamed specifically for their same sex attraction.

9) Even though OSA women are often shamed for having sex with men that people in their lives disapprove of, they are also shamed for not having sex with men, and lesbian women are shamed for not wanting to have sex with men at all.

10) When the risk is of external violence, it is the society that must change to accept relationships that are not inherently harmful (homosexual, interracial, etc.).

11) When the risk is of internal violence, the options are limited: A. have high standards and watch for red flags and hope you get lucky, or B. just don’t date.

12) Telling people to just not date regardless of the reason is not likely to be listened to.

13) That doesn’t mean it should never be said.

14) A small group of people on the internet telling you not to date someone with whom there’s a risk of internal violence is not the same as being threatened with external violence if you date someone.

15) The external societal pressure on women to date men far exceeds any “pressure” in radfem circles not to do so.

16) Telling you not to get a pet bear isn’t the same as telling you not to get a pet cat or dog. The latter might make it more difficult to find a place to rent (external). The former will literally be the one to destroy your home (internal).

17) Using misogynistic language isn’t cool, no matter who’s saying it to whom.

18) It’s also not nearly as commonly used in radblr as people are saying.

19) It doesn’t excuse homophobia or more misogyny as a response.

20) It is okay to take a break from this site sometimes. A lot of people here who are at odds would have a perfectly civil and productive discussion in person (not everyone, but a lot). Please take a walk outside, and put what you see here into context. No one on this website has any control of your life decisions.

Full disclosure: I am a heterosexual woman, I had sex with a man over the winter holidays. He is very likely the last man I will have any such relations with, but I trust him with my life and I will continue to have a handful of such encounters with him each year unless I feel I can’t trust him or he wants to stop. Nothing I read on radblr is going to change that. I had sex with him on Thanksgiving weekend too. And on the week I took off in the summer. I’ll probably have sex with him some time this spring. What radblr has done is validated my not feeling safe dating anymore men after my rape several years ago. My standards have raised considerably and I feel no shame for having them. I accept that I may never find a romantic life partner or have any children but realize a fulfilling life is still possible.

Take radblr as a balancing act: liberal men tell you to have sex with lots of men (and some women too as long as the men can watch) and that you’re a prude if you don’t, conservative men tell you to have sex with one man only and that you’re a slut if you have sex with more than one. Both tell you it’s wrong not to have sex with men at all (even nuns are called brides of Christ). Radblr simply says, hey, whether it’s one or it’s many, men are dangerous and it’s safer to not have anything to do with them. Difference is women in radblr have no power, external or internal, to enforce what they think you should do. Men do, both external and internal, and they use it frequently.

You can have sex with men if you want to have sex with men! You can date men and hope to find your unicorn, I hope you do too! But it’s no bad thing to hear, in what is a small space on the internet, “Hey, consider not doing this risky thing” in a sea of “Do this risky thing this way or else” and “No, do this risky thing this way or else”. It’s okay. It’s literally okay to be told “We don’t think you should do this” and still do it. And if the day comes where you don’t want to anymore, at least you know you have a--again--small place where people won’t shame you for that decision.

[clingylilhoneybee]

Hey yall, I just wanted to pop in here and try to utilize my platform to bring awareness to a few things while I talk about taking a break on posting personal content of my body.

TLDR: I’m taking a break on posting new content for a currently undetermined amount of time due to a recent diagnosis of PCOS and my body adjusting as i have started to begin treatment

If you’ve been around a while, y’all know that I went through a restrictive eating disorder as a teenager and struggled to recover in an environment where I was seen as “starting to get bigger” at the time of buying a size 4 dress for a school dress. That period of recovery then coincided with starting college, leaving that family environment and a number of other things that led to me gaining a significant amount of weight, but ultimately translated to me being at a healthy weight for myself.

However, despite multiple lifestyle changes (in directions that would logically lead to more or less weight gain), I continued to gain in the realm of 10-15 pounds a year during every year of adulthood, in a way that I described as “making total sense until it didn’t”. This went on at the same time as my periods being out of whack, which I originally attributed to birth control, and chronic fatigue that I could always find an excuse for, especially as someone who was a student in higher education until these last two years.

It wasn’t until about a year ago that I became aware that a notable amount of women in my family had PCOS, and that nearly all the bigger women in my family were not just “lazy and can’t stick to a diet” like I was led to believe my whole life. Thus started the journey of the last few months for me.

After stopping hormonal birth control and ruling that out as an explanation for my symptoms about 2 years ago, I’ve been working with my doctor and recently settled on a PCOS diagnosis. During my bloodwork, I was found to have significant insulin resistance, which is likely responsible for my body gaining such a notable about of weight. Because of this diagnosis and the bloodwork, I was started on medication to manage my symptoms, which also has the side effect of weight loss. During the last 2ish months, I’ve seen a total change in my symptoms. Regular periods, massive increase in energy levels, and also a notable weight change.

As someone who has spent years working through body neutrality and separating weight from moral value, it’s been fuckin hard. I’ve had to work through emotions of my weight gain being the result of illness, and the grief of fatphobia in my family being a direct cause of me not being diagnosed earlier. It’s so hard to reconcile that my weight loss is good, not because I’m smaller but because it’s treating a symptom of a chronic condition I didn’t even knew I had. There’s also many PCOS spaces that emphasize the moral value of weight loss and spend a lot of time shitting on their bodies before treatment, and tend to focus solely on how their treatment has changed their size, and not much else. On top of that, there’s some level of guilt in being on one of the “skinny meds” (and possibly being on the oh so popular glp-1 meds in the near future) feeling like a betrayal to the body positivity movement I’ve found community in, and a “cheating” method of weight loss to the broader society who treats weight loss as a discipline based skill. Add on the comments from SO many people about my body changing and it’s been hard to work through all the emotions and settle into a point where I’m comfortable with my body.

This has also led to me being even stronger in my boundaries around my size being fetishized. While I was always uncomfortable as someone in recovery, and as someone who never wants my attractiveness linked to my size, it’s also been so frustrating and emotional to see a body that has come from neglect and unnecessary struggle being fetishized for the physical manifestation of that struggle.

So overall I’ve only posted 2 new posts since I’ve started this medication, with only one actually showing a significant amount of my body (any others have been old, reposted content). I’ve always promised myself to never post what I am uncomfortable with, just to keep up popularity and get positive attention so I fully expect this trend to keep up as I become more comfortable with the way that my body is changing. I know that’s what many of you follow me for, and I figured I’d give an explanation that includes bringing awareness to a chronically under-diagnosed condition and giving a place for me to talk through the struggles in my journey so far

I hope yall stick around while this blog is primarily reblogs for the foreseeable future, but if not please take this as your awareness post for PCOS, which, even with a massive lack of information in the medical community leading to crazy amounts of under-diagnosis, is estimated to affect as many as 1 in 5 people with ovaries

[to-draw-time]

Lol, I'm a big supporter of "just delete and start fresh" if you are not vibing with something online. Don't like the social media app you are on? Delete your account and the app; don't stay on it if it is actively harming you/your mood. Cringing at all the stupid shit you said with a blog you've had for 10 years? Just start a new one. Don't like the crowd you've attracted with an account? Delete it and try again!! In real life you can remove yourself from situations you don't like (usually, not always i understand) so why treat your online presence as something you have to continuously utilize; especially ones you've had for such a long time that the person you were who started it isn't the same you now? Twitter back in like 2020 nearly killed my mental well-being and I was scared to delete it bc i was having good growth there with my art reaching people....but I deleted it and my well-being improved so much more. Nothing was truly lost, my work gets out and about on other sites, and I am not doom scrolling everyday. If you hate how you are engaging online, just change it.

[eggcompany]

I'm seeing too much stuff about fanfiction on tiktok, on here, on other platforms not to comment. I've been writing for nearly three years now which to some is AGES and to others is just beginning.

So let me lay it out.

I started writing when I was 16, struggling as a sophmore in high school, struggling with covid guidelines and the fear I felt as an immuno compromised person, and confused about who I was as a human person. I'd been reading fanfiction since I was 10, fascinated with sex and gender expression (I had free unrestricted internet acesss as a child). I'd been hopping from fandom to fandom, starting with popular ones that I didn't even know to ones I understood more and more. By the time I was 16, I was an expert. Clicking from link to link, bookmarking for later, filtering to the gods on ao3. I was confident sitting in the back of algebra II reading heavy smut on my cell phone.

By then I started reading newer fanfics, newer works with new words I'd never heard before when I read for fandoms that died back in the 2010's. Suddenly I wasn't a boy obsessed asexual genderfluid child. Suddenly I was an adult staring at myself in the mirror.

I had grown up on m/m writings, I was in love with the men on TV, I wanted the men from my shows and books. Suddenly I was an adult realizing that I attracted to men, that I wanted them. Suddenly I'm looking down at my hips and waist and chest and realizing that this wasn't the body I wanted pressed against another man's. Another man's. I wasn't in love with men as a girl or woman. I wasn't in love with women as a woman. I was in love with men as a man.

Tag by tag, reading and researching and reading more, I found the words, the resources, the culture. I was welcomed with open arms by those who'd been writing since I was born, by those in my same shoes, by those who were just happy to chat at 3am. I went from being alone in the world, by being so isolated I felt like no one would ever understand what I felt, to being apart of a community who loves me. A community who welcomed me, who praises me, who guides me, who loves me. I found a family who loves me as I am, no matter what I look like. I finally found a family who wants me.

I started writing and I found it almost therapeutic. As a real human person I am not just skin deep anymore. I'm more than that. I work through my issues through writing, I work through my feelings, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. And people understand. There is nothing more comforting than being understood.

Now I welcome new comers, I read untagged, horribly titled fics that are a few hundred words with messy smut scenes and awkward time skips.

And I love it. I love where I am, I love who I am, and I love everyone who helped me get here.

[sonicphobia0601]

Mom. If you are reading this, I'm not happy with you. In fact, it's time for me to publicly address this. I have let you control me for too long.

You constantly have the same conversation every time one thing gets forgotten (and guess what!? I sometimes forget shit and then remember afterwards and fucking fix it). I have been on top of my chores consistently. And it's always you blaming everything on the phone and gaming. You are the same person who gave me AN HOUR LONG LECTURE on pronouns when I came out as being pan last year.

Well, guess what? Gaming is therapy for me and serves as a way for me to bond with people. And I love posting stuff online. Gaming kept me SANE during COVID. And I haven't gamed much during my college days. Because I was too goddamn tired and busy with chores and schoolwork. And CHORES ALWAYS COME FUCKING FIRST.

Not like you fucking care. Because you don't because it doesn't fit your view. You just constantly shit on me and say that I prioritize gaming over chores when it's not true. You constantly threaten to shut down the Internet even when shit does get done. Then you talk about every damn instance where gaming is bad while ignoring the obvious.

I have a growing following and close friends because I game. I found myself in gaming.

When you shut down the Internet, you are cutting me off from shit I love. You cut me off from friends, whether IRL or online. You're alienating me from my friends, which is just as bad as forgetting a chore if not worse. I still have depression.

The fact that anything gets DONE period is a fuckin miracle for me. You say that it takes an hour to get chores done. That's true... If you are not autistic. But it takes me more than an hour to get shit done. Sometimes it takes 30 minutes to water your precious plants. It takes me an hour to sweep, while it takes YOU 15 minutes tops. That's an hour thirty on me already. It takes me 20 minutes to switch and fold laundry. It takes you 5 minutes max. It takes 30 minutes to do dishes including hand washing. There. Two hours of chores. And you said it takes an hour to just plow through. Well, I plow for two hours and I get exhausted. Why? Because I'm not listening to anything. The dogs walk takes 10 songs. So that's thirty minutes per walk. I walk them in the morning and evening. And when the dog talks. So there's at least another hour. So three hours and then some worth of chores.

I have a good work ethic and you have the audacity to call me lazy.

In fact, because you are putting me on a high and unrealistic pedestal, I don't want to live with you anymore. I am telling you to move me in a group home. I'm tired of you constantly threatening my mental health and my social health. I'm tired of being on deck for you. I have had enough. I want you to move me out in a group home before I'm 25.

I'm posting this on Facebook too.

To give you insight on how much of a positive impact my gaming stuff gives to me:

600+ people are subscribed to my YouTube channel.

Nearly 6,000 people saw my recent Barnaby edit on Twitter. The game I love reposted it on their Twitter.

I have made plenty of friends here on my Tumblr account.

Sounds like nothing to you but it means a lot to me. And my depression started depleting when I finally made the step to be myself online. So, you want to be controlling? Guess what? You're just trying to control me to the point where I could break. Your controlling nature is going to kill me.

You made it clear that I am not trans (you made it clear that I can't be a boy even though I hate being a girl but will dress girly because I have body issues that I don't tell anyone because of the tumor you got). I hate being a girl because that might mean I'm weak. So guess what!? I will see myself as a person: not a man and definitely not a woman. If you are saying that I am a girl based on parts I was BORN with, can I just say "disgusting!"? And guess what!? I don't really feel any sexual attraction. I might decide to be gender fluid for the singular purpose of pissing you off.

Trans people (people who don't like their assigned gender at birth and have surgery to get in tune with their souls or their feelings) are NOT confused. And if you want to try to go off on me ON TUMBLR, be my guest. You now know my Tumblr account. I want your conservatorship to be DONE. You claim to be looking out for my best interests but I don't really feel that every time you threaten to cut me off from my friends. I think you are looking for control.

You tell me not to put my dirty laundry online but if it's threatening my livelihood and threatening my social life I am going to say something about it.

And I will change my profile to match my Tumblr out of spite on Facebook.