#nauseous and like im genuinely going to throw up

[ratsonas]

reading the notes on that last post about people being extremely nonchalant about puking is seriously therapeutic for someone with emetophobia. like it turns out it doesnt have to be a traumatic event

[barbiiecams]

baby trapping bfb!rafe omg 😖. it would most definitely be an accident, but now you could finally claim him. you weren’t so opposed to the fact of getting pregnant with his baby beforehand, but because sarah was genuinely your friend, you made sure not to for the time being.

now rafe? he’d be so mad yet happy at the same time. he was very reluctant to even take off the condom off with you, and this seemed like the consequence to his actions.

“right there!” you moaned out as he hit the perfect spot inside of you.

“yea? right there?” he’d taunt, smirking down at the position he had you in. he pulled out for a second which almost made you cuss him out, but then lifted one of your legs in the air and held it by the back of your thigh, plowing his way back in again.

this made your eyes roll so far back you were almost positive they got stuck for a hot minute.

“that’s the spot, huh baby?” he’d lean over and say into your ear. not being able to form words, all you could do was nod. but there was something you desperately wanted from all this.

he’d been folding you up, throwing you around and switching positions all night. and he knew exactly how you liked it. it’s like he could seriously do no wrong. all though this whole situation was wrong, you still seemed to forget that this was your friends brother. someone who’s supposed to be off limits.

but we can’t help who we like, right?

he definitely didn’t care though, matter of fact, his dirty talk never stopped about it. “yea? that feel good being fucked by your friend’s brother? imagine if she saw us now. shit, i finally wouldn’t have to hide my girl.”

and he just continues.

“yea rub that clit baby. soak this cock.”

“keep taking it baby, know you can.”

“let go baby, cum all over it.”

as soon as he felt your release, his came up not too long after.

“shit, you feel too good. gonna make me blow mine soon.” this right here is when you ask for whatever, knowing how easy it is for them to say yes when they’re balls deep, seconds away from nutting.

“inside me? please!” you’d grab onto his shoulders, while his arms were now pressing your hip down into the bed.

his movement doesn’t slow, but his face says the answer as well as his words. “you know we can’t. convincing me to go raw wasn’t enough?”

“i just wanna feel you… all full inside me.” you’d say, almost choking on your words the way he’s still milking out your orgasm.

“i’ll cum in your ass. how about that?”

“s’not the same! please, rafe. just once?”

he doesn’t answer for a little bit, but the way his face starts to scrunch up, he was bound to cum in a few seconds.

“fine,” he finally says. “better fuckin take it all.”

right after that, his hot and heavy flow streams right into you, making your brain feel like complete mush.

after a few moments of just laying there, he pulls out and lays down next to you, pulling your head into his chest. “won’t be leaving you alone anytime soon with a pussy like that.” he chuckles, & you playfully hitting his chest.

—

the only thing that brought you was a world full of trouble. because here you are now, sitting on the toilet with a nauseous stomach, and positive stick in your hand to top it off. this most definitely was not supposed to happen, but you didn’t feel that bad about it either.

taking a picture of it in your hands, you sent it to rafe then put your phone down and held your stomach again. you didn’t even need that pregnancy test. the way you were throwing up buckets confirmed it by itself.

not even 5 minutes later, he texts you back.

“didn’t i tell you it was a bad idea? now how are you gonna tell sarah, cus im not.”

now that was definitely something you weren’t thinking about in the heat of the moment.

[enden-agolor]

Got any more Jesskas/mcsm head cannons? :3👉👈

Hmm 🤔 I'm just gonna throw a bunch of random ideas in my head down

For Lukas, I love to think he'd be super into those fishing catch and cook kinds of videos. I watch them all the time and I really think if it were a modern setting, he'd be one of those guys with a youtube channel dedicated to fishing and he travels around in his gay little subaru and does fishing tutorials. How to rig a pole, what times and seasons its best to fish at, etc. He'd be a freshwater fisherman too. Loves going to streams or lakes.

A hc I have for both Jesse and Lukas is that they both do morning jogs and also work out together. Y'know, lift weights to stay fit, while Jesse does most of the heavy lifting, Lukas does some too but not as much.

Lukas also has a big thing with food and staying healthy. Constantly getting on Jesse's ass for eating too many sweets and not enough fruits/veggies. While Lukas does love and adore treating Jesse to sweet snacks, he can tell when Jesse is avoiding a certain food and Lukas is like. "Jesse. You're a grown man. Eat your vegetables." And Jesse's like "Uuughhhh fiiiine.."

Neither of them are super picky eaters. Jesse won't eat pork/bacon or mushrooms (mushrooms remind him of the sunshine institute and pork.. well y'know..) and Lukas I like to think isn't a huge fan of potatoes (im projecting onto him)

Also Lukas has like a really big fear of blood. He hates seeing it and it makes him genuinely nauseous. Jesse can handle it a bit better but he has a horrible fear of throwing up and hates the possibility of having to see others do it (like that scene when radar is about to hurl and jesse looks away)

Uhh. They're both very open with pda. They hold hands, hug, and of course kiss in some public settings like before going to work or dropping each other off somewhere or if its like a date night and they're at a fancy restaurant, they'll hold each others hands over the table. It's like.. when you've faced death countless times, why be ashamed of hiding something you're truly proud to have? So they're very open about their relationship.

When Jesse gets jealous, he's the kind to have that 'hopeless jealousy' where he'll be quiet and hide his feelings, while as for Lukas, he's way more vocal about his distaste in people flirting with or hitting on Jesse and will actively come over and give whoever it is a death glare. Lukas is very protective of Jesse and in no way open to the idea of sharing and Jesse really likes that about him. It feels nice to have someone so dedicated to him and looking out for him for once. And in a way he wouldn't want any other person to do it.

[luvssickk]

has anyone ever puked in public? quick little emeto story for you guys below the cut >_<

a few years ago i was coming home from a family reunion- there had been a small banquet before we left, the drive was several hours and this was about two hours into the ride. i was fine all day up to this point but i woke up from a nap feeling so sick and nauseous i didn’t know what to do, it was so sudden and i also hadn’t puked for years prior to this so i wasn’t entirely familiar with the feeling. i tried to say something…get them to pull over because i was about to be carsick but as soon as i opened my mouth i let out the most sick sounding burp and threw up all over myself in the back seat @_@ quite literally within like 30 seconds of me waking up..just wave after wave of the food i had eaten prior. i hadn’t even overate or anything, im a small and picky eater and even more picky when it comes to large buffet style dinners, i was also a lot younger than now and even less willing to try new things.

we pulled off the highway and to a gas station and i cleaned myself up while they cleaned the backseat. i got some ginger ale and water and was mostly fine, i just ended up going back to sleep once we hit the road again. then a few hours later we stopped at this fireworks store and i got hit with another wave of nausea as we were walking in…my voice was thick with nausea and sickness as i gave my family a brief “im gonna puke again” even though it probably was incoherent as i tried to turn around and go back outside. walked about maybe five feet before my stomach clenched and i ended up projectile vomiting in front of literally the whole store because it came up so quickly 😭😭 it was right in the dead center of the entrance and it was forth of july so there was quite a bit of people who had all seen me puke up my guts. the worker was so nice about it though, i went outside and puked for like another 10 minutes as people were walking in. i was leaning against the wall clutching my stomach as more waves of puke came up, i was so sick i couldn’t even be embarrassed, i was just so focused on the literal buckets of vomit coming out of me…to this day i still don’t know what happened and why i got sick so suddenly but WOW was it intense. we ended up staying at a hotel that night instead of driving the rest of the way home incase i got sick again (which i didn’t thankfully).

i noticed im not much of a dry heaver or gag….i dont naturally puke often (i don’t pull trig either though, i just kinda burp and clench my throat until i puke but that only works if i’ve just eaten) even though i get nauseous a lot mainly due to anxiety, so when i genuinely need to throw up- i NEED to throw up whether i like it or not, there’s no choking it back or holding it in, it comes up so forcefully and suddenly i don’t have time to think or move. if im sick there’s not much true build up aside from like normal nausea, i go from okay and just kinda icky feeling to projectile vomiting either all over myself or whatever is in front of me because it quite literally forces its way up out of me with little warning. and it’s never just a little bit either…it’s literally all of my stomach contents from that day and the day prior, no little trickles or thin streams just literal torrents of the most thick and gross waves of puke.

my emeto kink wasn’t fully developed at the time this happened but i did have an interest in it. sometimes i get jealous of myself because i want it to happen again so i can actually enjoy it and fetishize my suffering for my freaky little blog <\\\3

[fallenfaiiry]

Trigger Warning: Rare Illness/Health Issues [wasn't sure if this need a tw but these topics make some ppl uncomfy so i wanted to be considerate anyway💜]

so a lot of ppl have been asking me why i don't post pics anymore or why i have barely been on social media compared to how i used to be. and the reason is i've been having severe health issues for a very long time. i can't even remember the last time i went more than a month without feeling nauseous, or actually throwing up, or just having headaches and stomach pain that are so bad i can barely tolerate them.

i've known for a while that i have gastritis, but my mom & my bf convinced me to go to a new doctor for a second opinion. after months & months of pure agony and feeling exhausted and sick to the point where i have no energy, i finally know why. i went to a specialist and discovered i have a rare illness called CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). and i also am lactose intolerant which was amplifying my symptoms because i eat dairy products constantly.

i am going to be starting treatment for it and i really hope it improves my life and my ability to function because i am so tired of "living" like this. just existing has been exhausting and painful. i literally haven't been able to accomplish any of the goals i have because i can't go more than a few days without feeling horrible.

i already feel useless because i'm autistic and i have bipolar 1 and i'm waiting on disability payments to come through because i am unable to work with my disabilities. so my bf has been working and doing his best to take care of me and our kids. i just feel so horrible and guilty all the time. and i genuinely didn't know why i feel sick 24/7. all i want is to feel like myself again. and to do all the things i miss doing. i feel like i'm trapped by this illness.

i'm grateful to have answers and know what i'm dealing with finally. but after suffering like this almost every single day for so long its so hard to feel hopeful for the future at this point. i'm literally in tears as i type this. its just been really bad. i never do my makeup anymore or feel good about myself. i can barely move sometimes because the pain in my stomach is so bad or i get pain in my throat from vomiting for hours at a time, and then i get MORE pain from dry heaving due to not being able to hold down any food. and then i get random migraines and headaches that last all day as a result of all of that. its taking a huge toll on my body and my mental health. my depression gets worse during the winter season so when this started getting really bad it just made my mental health a million times worse. its literal hell.

but yeah thats why i haven't been online. real life is hard enough and i haven't been motivated to post because of the hell i'm going through or a lot of the time i physically CAN'T make content. but i'm going to keep trying. i'm going to do every fucking thing my doctors tell me to do because im so fed up with suffering. i promise that i will make content again and post the things i create and other stuff i used to post about before i stopped being able to function. as soon as i start to feel semi normal or at least well enough to do daily activities and complete even small goals, i will post about it. i'll keep u guys updated.

i appreciate every single person who follows me and my content, and all the ppl who keep checking up on me and wondering where the fuck i went. i love you guys so much💜 and i'm so sorry to all the ppl who haven't heard from me. if i can gain at least a little bit of my physical strength and health back, i will be so happy. i also am trying to get vitamins prescribed to me because im severely lacking nutrients but they are so expensive and i can't afford them out of pocket until i get my disability money. i'm also anemic and have to start taking iron supplements again. i'm just a giant ball of health issues😭 its actually ridiculous how bad my health has been. but i'm a mom and for that reason i will never stop trying. i will do whatever it takes to get better. i don't think my health could get much worse than it is currently. hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that😭

sorry for the super long explanation, i just have sooo many messages in my inbox and questions that you guys send me that i haven't answered. i don't want to leave u in the dark. the connections i've made on this silly little blog mean the world to me. and everything i've been going through has been so hard to explain. but since i recently got a REAL answer as to why i'm suffering so much, i felt it was a good time to let you guys know what is going on with me. like i said, when i am able to feel somewhat normal again i will post consistently and re-open my shop too! it sucks so bad having a passion for creating but being too sick to even get out of bed other than to get sick in the bathroom. i've been to the emergency room more times this month than i have in the last 4 years. if i can overcome this awfulness i will not take it for granted. i will work harder than i ever have to create and share it with the world. but for now i just have to sit back and do whatever my doctors tell me to do and hope to god that it helps me 😞

[jaxieshauna]

shackles are OFF.

anyway..... more yellowjackets song stuff because ur so right plz

omg >__< going 2 ramble about jackieshauna && christine ... writing essay about spins instead of homework essay as per ush :PP

the first verse of christine actually very much mirrors the yellowjackets pilot && i am NOT sane about it... like it is literally about them i hope i DIE !!!! erm..

i think the "you always wanted to raise a baby by the lake" part is insane like comphet!jackie wanting the perfect life && to be the perfect mother && the perfect wife. "maybe they'll grow up && never make the same mistakes" but callie has made so many of jackie's mistakes. shauna is so consumed by jackie that callie makes her sick she Literally hates her. she is so entwined with jackie && she hurts shauna && shauna hurts her. ermmmm "knowing you, they'd be the first kid to never hurt another." shauna knows how much jackie cares && how harmless she really is. even her at her most venomous is hardly that. she critiques but it's fair. shauna rips into jackie's character, her being, but jackie only ever brings up things that are true. idk if im making sense but erm.. i see a lot of lines in the song coming from both of them && that's part of what makes me so unwell.

the last part of the song i can see coming from both jackie && shauna && it makes me so fucking CRAZY . "i see you look at him && wonder if he'll make you a mother." i see shauna saying that about jackie who longs to love jeff. she almost dreads motherhood because she'd be tethered to him forever but at the same time she craves it Because of that && because it would make her Normal. on the otherhand i can see jackie saying it about shauna because she knows. she knows he's unfaithful && she knows he's fucking her best friend so she knows shauna is doing that to her. they think they're being sneaky but she knows. && she thinks maybe shauna loves him in the way she's not sure she could. also maybe shauna dreading him getting her pregnant, making her a mother because he's jackie's. but also feeling that thrill of him being jackie's so it's almost like she is jackie && jackie is hers. jackie letting herself be hurt because she thinks it's what she deserves. "after all, nobody's perfect — there may be better but you don't feel worth it."

the final part makes me actually nauseous because i also see that coming from both shauna && jackie. "but if you get married i'd object. throw my shoe at the alter && lose your respect. i'd rather lose my dignity than lose you to somebody who won't make you happy." i think it's more obvious to be coming from shauna but it goes both ways in my mind. shauna for more obvious reasons , jackie is with jeff && on paper is devoted to him. she wants him to be her first && last && there's a real chance at them staying together if jackie can play her cards right. shauna knows jeff could never make her happy she's heard about all of the shit he puts jackie through, cheating on her, them breaking up all the time. "other nights you admit he's not what you had in mind." shauna knows he's not the perfect guy jackie makes him out to be && how much jackie truly doubts their relationship. she doesn't want to see jackie trapped in a relationship where she can't be secure or feel genuinely loved. or a relationship where she can't be herself.. ( lesbian ).

i see it coming from ghost!jackie too ermm ଘ( ˊᵕˋ )ଓ . i think i see it coming from jackie even more if i'm being honest.... ( guess which one is my blorbo && me irl ) jackie being angry && hurt because shauna ( && jeff but mostly shauna ) betrayed her. jeff && shauna's marriage would be a betrayal to her for obvious reasons methinks. but if they got married she'd object because both jeff && shauna were supposed to be Hers && how could they do that to her. maybe it'd mean they never loved her && if they never loved her than who ever had. i think jackie is afraid that jeff Could make shauna happy && that's the worst part for her. obviously he couldn't && it was jackie shauna wanted the whole time but jackie doesn't know that.

ermmm idk if any of this is coherent my mom called as i was writing this && i got mega distracted but er ??! what do we think ? it's so hard to put my thoughts into real coherent words but this actually plagues me every fawking day...... head in my hands.. honestly didnt proofread so sorry if this is extra insane but ouughhg

[aroacewxs]

the ruikasa that lives in my head is not romantic in the SLIGHTEST and it cracks me up. sharing my repulsed aro ruikasa thoughts here hehehe don't mind me

first of all i just cannot see tenma tsukasa above all people, the aromantic of project sekai (he's competing with ichika for number one coded aro) sparing one single thought in his empty head for romantic feelings. i feel like tsukasa lacks all common sense surrounding society's idea of what is suggestive/romantic/flirtatious, to the point where if he were to be assigned a role that required him to perform a kiss scene or something of the sort, he'd be all "boy oh boy im going to knock the audience's SOCKS off with this one" and completely disregard that this is actually very very embarrassing for the poor actor that has to be on the receiving end of his rehearsed romantic gestures

oh yeah, speaking of rehearsed romantic gestures

i need you to picture a pathetic tenma tsukasa, specifically kamikou fes tsukasa, on one knee in front of his mirror at 2 in the morning, reciting his cheesy love monologue and chuckling to himself after for how GOOD he is. "just ham it up. it'll look so good. i'm so good. genuinely who else is professing their undying love for their soulmate like i am"

on the other hand, rui actually has thoughts. these thoughts fill him with such distress it makes him feel nauseous. he's really just going about his day, rehearsing with wxs at the wonder stage when he suddenly feels a surge of warmth swirl in his chest whenever tsukasa gladly complies with his wacky ideas. he's just trying to live his poor life when the excitement and adrenaline from performing shows with wxs has him in shambles later because he's debating whether or not this is what everyone calls Romantic Love (it's not. he's just a repulsed aro loser who would die for his friends)

tsukasa: rui, throw anything my way and i'll deliver with 12000% !!!!! guaranteed!!!! as always!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA

rui: (god are you trying to torture me or what. am i deserving of such a person. Goodness gracious i feel like im floating whenever I'm around these guys is this some kind of sorcery I'm unaware of. i think my heart is going to twist and leap out of my chest they're so good they're so wonderful and im really just here aren't I im really just here and oh my freaking god is this what they call having a crush. is this what everyone around me has been hyping up. jumping jellyfish if it is, it feels AWFUL and i can't believe i've been thinking i'm missing out. no but then what really defines romantic feelings because if we're talking pros and cons and hypotheticals and possibilities, i would not want to kiss tsukasa like that, but isn't that a given when you love someone in that way. am i crazy am i broken am i an anomaly. I need to write this down for later and perform a google search)

[missbadideas]

Too late for goodbyes (Take me back)

It feels as if the days have been moving slower as of late. Every moment feels dull, dry, and Misaki has been rejecting every assassination request they've gotten. They didn't want to be around people, they just wanted to bury themselves somewhere and forget their pathetic existence. 

It isn't as if this feeling was new. It came and went, just like everything else they felt. 

(Just like the constant regret and other feelings of inadequacy chasing after them.) 

If they ignored it enough and kept it in a box, it'll go away just like always.  

Their parents had kicked them out. They didn't associate with Misaki a lot, but god they loved Misaki. Misaki knows their parents loved them. Their childhood was good, warm, happy. As much as it could've been, at least.

( Stress, debts, their parents crying. )

Their funeral was some time ago. 

Misaki's phone was flooded with notifications. She put it on silent a while ago, and she didn't want to bother with opening it.

She hasn't opened it ever since they got the news.

They numbly grab at their phone and unlock it, their face being hit with the brightness of the screen. their curtains are covering the window, not letting the sun in.

Misaki scrunches up their nose at the brightness and turns it down, before scrolling mindlessly through the texts their friends sent. 

They almost closed their phone and went back to sleep if not for the text messages they got sent almost instantly.

5 Notification from <Goreboy> 15 Notifications from <Angelic> 12 Notifications from <K9>

They were all asking Misaki for a call. They didn't have the energy to talk to all of them. 

God, Misaki was such a shit friend.

Guilt simmered in their gut, making them nauseous despite not eating for the past few days.

They aren't sure they want to look at the messages. They can't handle this right now.

The phone is shaky in their grip, and their shoulders are tense as they scroll through old messages. V seems to have tried calling them nonstop, apparently. His last message would've concerning, if Misaki could muster up enough energy to care.

( They want to throw themselves down the deep end. They're a useless piece of trash who won't ever amount to anything, never made their parents proud- fucking mistake of a child-)

Misaki doesn't have the energy to cry. They didn't cry when they got the news, they didn't cry during the funeral, and they won't be crying now.

They decide to message in general. 

<Hitmeuppp> I did not live laugh love very much lately Srry pookies <Hitmeuppp> is typing... <Hitmeuppp> Im genuinly sorry though, i didnt mean to ignore you guys, i just dont know what to do with my life lately.  <Hitmeuppp> is typing... <Hitmeuppp> is typing... <Hitmeuppp> My parents passed away.

They feel a bile in their throat, but they swallow it down. That was the hard truth, but it feels different typing it out.

It almost feels real now.

<Hitmeuppp> I wasnt in a goo d spoace and i still dont think I amn if im not online or if i dont commit murders for a while thats why i just need time i dont know, probably if i dont reply for too long though i probs offed myself 

She took a deep breath, their fingers freezing over the keyboard of their phone. They don't know what to do with themselves lately. Was it a joke? they don't know anymore.

<Hitmeuppp> jk jk i wouldnt 

Everything they did was for their parents. They finally helped them clear their debt, they were supposed to reconcile, Misaki was planning on finally stopping their assassinations and genuinely trying.

Things were supposed to get better. 

Call from <Angelic> -> Accept  -> Decline 

One, two, three seconds- Misaki let their phone ring for one minute straight before they forced their shaky finger to press accept.

" Misaki...How have you been?" Angel's voice sounded tired. It reminds Misaki that she doesn't know how the others have been while she's been ignoring the server and all other online activities. They’re not sure how to answer that. “Uh, well, you know! Vaguely shrugs, things are fine. They’re going, I guess.”  Misaki counts one, two, three- and then Angel answers. Misaki can hear her moving around. There’s sounds of traffic, noise- was that Ronin in the background? “ You don’t have to force it…if you need to talk, you know I’ll always make time for you when I can. I’m sure the others feel the same way.” It felt vulnerable, honest, too much so for them. They want to hang up immediately. They can’t- think. Their throat was tight. “ I…- I just wish you guys were here? It’s, It’s stupid. “ “...Give me a moment.” Not ominous at all, nor is it disheartening- sure. 

A knock on the door right after she ended the call. Misaki pocketed their phone, tapping their foot anxiously as they held the handle. They’re not sure they could handle social interaction with strangers, especially after Angel ended the call like that.

" Holy shit, V?" Misaki breathed out, their eyes widening as their grip on the door handle loosened after they opened the door.

V's shoulders looked tense, and he reached out to cover Misaki's hand with his own. " We...I am regretful to hear of your loss, Misaki. My condolences."

They'd gotten close- somewhat, Misaki likes to think, ever since a few halloweens ago. Misaki would even consider them friends now.

" Uh, it's like, totally fine. Not that you killed them or anything." They chuckle, only realizing they're choking down a sob afterwards. Their throat feels tight, and their cheeks are wet.

V looks almost panicked by the sight of their tears. Misaki would've found it a bit funny, if not for the circumstances.

" Have I...imposed? If you'd prefer to grieve alone, that is understandable. I-" He was interrupted by an all too familiar voice. 

" Christ, loser vigilante. We're not fucking off after comin' all the way here." 

" Ronin..." A gentle soft voice sighed. "Despite his choice of words, Ro's right, V. We're not leaving Misaki to deal with this on their own. She's been going through a lot, lately. "

It took them a moment, but they noticed two distinct figures behind him. Familiar wine red hair and a blonde woman. Ronin had one hand in his pocket, while Angel wore a tight-lipped smile. 

" You...Ronin? Angel? you two came? wait, Angel, I was- like, just on the phone with you?? when did you even have the time?" Misaki didn't know what to say. Had they planned this? just for her? 

Were they that worried?

Angel's smile lost some of its tightness, but it still didn't reach her eyes. " I was in the car when we called. We all booked a flight to visit you, since you weren't answering calls or texts. We were...We were worried, Misaki. " 

There's no telling if this will ever go away entirely, grief comes and goes most say.

But for now, things feel like they'll be okay. 

Everything will be okay. ____________ A little rushed, once again gotta study for exams tis a sad life

[theguardianace]

this has been. wow what a great day this has been.

it starts off at literally one in the morning when its way too hot in my room and it wakes me up. then i get mayyyybe two hours of questionable sleep before im woken up by a nauseous feeling. suffer through that for an hour. end up half sleeping on the bathroom floor for another hour. think im all good, go sleep on my floor (but didnt sleep. oh no did not sleep). at five thirty it gets really bad and i end up throwing up for the first time in half a decade. have i mentioned that i have a genuine fear of throwing up? how i absolutely despise the feeling of wrongness, or the painful sounds it forces out of me, the way it leaves my mouth tasting like acid, the way it smells so vile? i sat there for an actual hour. i took a shower. i thought i was fine. i really did. but then another half nap later whoops back for round two! time to start crying!

it sucked. i had an exam in less than three hours. it was the only exam i needed more than a seventy percent on. i was so ready. and then i was throwing up on my bathroom floor. all alone. it sucked. it sucked so much. luckily he let me reschedule it, but that means that i had to walk all the way to the academic center and ask for it. and walk all the way back.

then im trying to get in touch with my friend who was supposed to go to the airport with me tomorrow but whoops! turns out she's going with someone else and forgot to tell me! so now i have to uber there all alone for the first time in a car with someone ive never met and have no idea if i can trust. and in all the chaos i missed the check in time for my flight and have a horrible seat.

im so tired. im so tired. and im starving but i can't eat because i dont want to go through this AGAIN. like it had even left though! i still feel so gross! nothing will get rid of it!!!! i can't sleep! i cant eat! i can't do anything at all!

[kibblemode]

i hate hate haaaate anxiety and ocd guess what just fucking happened to me under a cut bc its. bad.

so like i was nauseous as fuck so i decided to go driving bc it calms me down right. well theres roadwork around my apt and they had the cones laid out in a way that made it look like i needed to switch to the other lane halfway through right. i didnt apparently bc i hit 2 HUGE fucking piles of road chunks that knocked my bumper out of place (i was able to put it back in place mostly thank god) and im like genuinely surprised my car didnt fall apart or lose a wheel bc that shit was BIG. anyway im already freaked out bc i feel sick and that just made it worse AND its 1am so i have nobody to help calm me down lol. and THEN i start getting fucked up intrusive thoughts like oh what if your engine blows up. what if your tire explodes and youre stranded and have to pay like 300 to get a new tire. then i get the fucking thought "what if instead of a rock you hit a construction worker and crushed them to death. heres a few detailed images and scenes of that happening :) and what if you were so mortified you gruesomely reduced an innocent person to a pile of gore that you throw up everywhere :)" its making me even MORE sick. and on top of all that shit i need to be up for work in less than 4 hrs. im going to kms for real.

[mousebitecel]

tell me why tf i had to go to urgent care yesterday due to frequent and bloody urination and they thought i had a uti and sent me off with an antibiotic prescription. now today i was trying to cram for my bio exam tonight but instead had to email my professor 20 minutes before because i was nauseous for like 2 hours before throwing up coffee grounds. i literally feel like a house patient

on a separate note the cosmic irony of discovering that ‘no, im not on my period, im peeing blood every hour’ whilst going over the excretory system of all things yesterday genuinely cracks me up. oh nephrons can filter blood to urine? apparently mine cant 🤣🤣🎯

[devoteyrheart]

Mike:

How did his fellow cadets react when he just started sniffing around like a dog? Did he do it often, and did it weird his fellow cadets out? Did it make it hard for him to make friends?

Was there a course or training that he struggled with?

Did his fellow cadets take advantage of his good sense of smell to track things down? Or did they make fun of him?

On his first expedition beyond the walls did the smell of all the blood and gore from dead scouts bother him? When did he learn to use his nose to his advantage?

Did he ever have a crush? If he did who was it? If not who do you think he is most likely to crush on and how long has he had said crush?

Did he make any friends as a cadet that joined him in the scouts? Are they still alive?

thank you sosososososo much for these!!! 😭😭i'm still developing mike so these might not be the crème de la crème, i'm sorry about that! but i hope it's a good read!

How did his fellow cadets react when he just started sniffing around like a dog? Did he do it often, and did it weird his fellow cadets out? Did it make it hard for him to make friends?

(unsurprisingly) mike was seen as a bit of a weirdo because of the whole sniffing thing and it did make making friends a bit difficult. he was also probably the oldest or second oldest cadet of his class + he was tall as hell + he wasn’t very strong… he was a very easy target to make fun of. i don’t think mike took it super well at first and he got in more than a handful of scuffles. at the time he saw his attitude / being aggressive as the only way to assert himself. he was a v defensive guy back then.

Was there a course or training that he struggled with?

physical training, surprisingly. mike is tall and lean but he didn’t grow up being super physically active so he had an extremely basic physique and poor physical resistance. i actually think it was sort of frowned upon in his very religious and scholarly family to spend time doing “superfluous” physical activities. so first year was though on him. big tall dude ended up eating dirt more than a handful of times (he always learned from it… and he didn’t always hate it, especially if it was a pretty girl throwing him down). though he did very quickly become someone who loved working out and becoming stronger. 

Did his fellow cadets take advantage of his good sense of smell to track things down? Or did they make fun of him?

(i’m still developing my ideas/hcs around mike and his enhanced sense of smell so this will probably be a lil vague! i’m sorry in advance) tied to the previous question: by year 3 of being a cadet people didn’t make as much fun of him because he had become stronger + bigger and started to look like he could very well kick your ass into oblivion for it.  turns out, it makes people think twice about fucking with you when you look like you can pack a strong punch. within his circle of friends, there were times where his good sense of smell was used for “fun” and mike played along. like, i’m sure they had dumb contests/bets about smells mike could or couldn't identify. especially when they had nothing else to do and nothing to distract themselves with, it was simple entertainment. mike did get tired of it sometimes like “im not a circus animal and if you’re going to treat me like one pay me first.” after he started going outside the walls? that’s when the making fun significantly subsided because people were genuinely surprised by how damn useful his sense of smell was.   

On his first expedition beyond the walls did the smell of all the blood and gore from dead scouts bother him? When did he learn to use his nose to his advantage?

oh boy. during the his first expedition outside the walls? that man threw up several times, let me tell you. not because of the horror of it all, but because the smell was vile, nothing he had ever encountered or had a precedence for. he was so damn nauseous and had a horrible headache. over the years he became accustomed to the smell + the developed strategies to cope with it (for example: he always has a handkerchief soaked in mild perfume tucked in one of the sleeves of his jacket ).  the upside is that during his first expedition he also realized that he could use his nose to his advantage. 

Did he ever have a crush? If he did who was it? If not who do you think he is most likely to crush on and how long has he had said crush?

yes, he did. in my head mike actually had several crushes over the years but as a late teen/adult he didn’t take them super seriously nor was he too awkward about them. he knew they'd come and go. he probably thought he was going to marry the first girl he kissed though lmfao, but i guess that’s what a religious upbringing + being naturally romantic  does to ya brain. i know people like to pair mike with nanaba, but i personally don’t vibe with it them as a couple. i’m more keen on him taking an interest in a civilian, literally just a regular person who makes the world seem to slow down when he’s with her, or someone like marlene (who was a squad captain and whom he could feel like he wasn’t letting her down because she knows exactly how busy and demanding their roles can be - also marlene is feisty and dramatic, and mike is extraverted but in a more quiet way  and i just think they’d make a neat couple). 

Did he make any friends as a cadet that joined him in the scouts? Are they still alive?

yes! actually, most of the friends he made during his cadet years joined the scouts. some died before him, some died after him. i think the only friends he made as a cadet who were still alive by the time the rumbling happened were those who left the survey corps OR who were civilians.

[nomaishuttle]

like its amazing how quickly this upset me bc i got a rly good nights sleep i woke up feeling ok i showered yesterday i was really proud and its friday last day of the week n then i get the weekend off and now i like. genuinely feel like im going to throw up like not being dramatic whatsoever. i feel so nauseous and im dizzy when i stand.

[treatbuckywkisses]

SHES BAAAAAAACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I appreciate your angst so much more when you give me a happy ending🥹 IM SELFISH OK. this was sooooooo lovely😭

The thing about Bucky Barnes was, well, he’s kind of an asshole. I'm listening 🎧 

You were finishing up a game of beer pong where you and Bucky absolutely dominated, and as you sank the last cup, he picked you up, swinging you around before setting you back on your feet. The thing is, he didn’t really let you go. You stood there, in the middle of a crowded party, with his arms around you and it was like everyone else disappeared. oh I'm weak. absolute knee buckling

There was a moment of silence on the other end, then a sigh. oh im nauseous tiffany. 

He sounded so sincere, and he was your best friend, so you took a deep breath and sighed, accepting the fact that if you wanted Bucky in your life, this was just something you would have to deal with. :( this sucks LMAO this is such a real and unfortunate feeling that youve perfectly pictured into my brain ft bucky :(

You wanted to argue, to scream, to make him feel bad about choosing her over you, but hadn’t he already? So instead, you mumbled a quiet agreement and hung up, not wanting to talk to him any longer. Already, it felt like the beginning of the end. im throwing up currently

You sat down at his table, no longer interested in placid excuses and apologies, and asked him point blank what was going on. YA GOOD FOR YOU BABE 

You nodded, grabbing your coffee as you stood up, and headed for the door. If he was willing to let your friendship go, then you weren’t going to fight him on it. So you left, face heated with embarrassment and tears threatening to spill over. nooooooo:( i know a place we can take dot 😈 this is so beautifully depressing:( 

Adjusting to a life without Bucky was weird, you had to admit, but you did it anyway. The first few weeks were the hardest, when he was the first person you wanted to text during any occasion, but eventually that muscle memory faded until you were reaching out to the people who actually valued you in their life. EVENTUALLY THAT MUSCLE MEMORY FADED UNTIL THAT MUSCLE MEMORY FADED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc you never had to THINK with bucky everything was instinctual I'm SPEECHLESS YOU COME HERE AND KISS ME ON THE MOUTH 🙀

You supposed it was kind of funny, in that asshole way of his, and you stared at the message for another moment before responding. OH 🥲🥹 

YOUR BUCKY GET OUT

He wrapped you in his arms as he stood in front of you, and it all felt so heartbreakingly familiar you gave in immediately, all the tension leaking from your body at the feeling Bucky gave you. he's home🥺

It was electric. Never had a kiss from someone else ever lit a fire inside you the way one from Bucky did. It started off slow, searching, a chance to reacquaint yourselves. But the second Bucky’s hand reached to tangle in your hair, everything shifted. the build up is phenomenal 🤤🤤

All it took was a soft whisper of come on, baby and a crook of Bucky’s fingers and you were falling apart, the intensity of your orgasm whipping through you, and as you floated back down to your senses, Bucky was still going. i am FERAL for this 

“I missed you so much.” You didn’t respond for a moment, but you lifted your head to meet Bucky’s eyes. In them lay the sincerity of his words, vulnerable now that they weren’t being said in the heat of the moment. :( soft baby omwgskdhjs 

genuinely i don't know how you hated the smut bc it was so passionate:( and it really said a lot for them i think. a moment of deep connection to further solidify what they were feeling together🥺 I hope this helps you see that🫶🏻 never doubt yourself baby you're amazing!!!!

the art of missing someone

summary: bucky barnes was a lot, but he would always be yours

pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader

word count: 3.2k

warnings: brief college then modern au, little bit of angst, don't ask if this is based off personal experience i will cry, smut (MINORS DNI!) [unprotected sex, oral (f receiving)], confessions, idk man i'm just here

a/n: first fic of 2025!! this was a bitch and i still lowkey hate it but it is what it is

main masterlist - i no longer have a taglist but you can follow @theafterglowlibrary for updates!

The thing about Bucky Barnes was, well, he’s kind of an asshole.

In a funny way, really, but an asshole through and through and, for some reason, that did it for you.

It did it for you so much, in fact, that you had been going in circles with him for years now. You met him originally at a party in college; you didn’t know anyone except for your roommate, Natasha, and she introduced you. You immediately gravitated towards him, with his quick wit and sharp opinions, you felt like you could talk to him about anything. He kept close to you the entire night, getting more touchy as the evening dragged on, until the tipping point came.

You were finishing up a game of beer pong where you and Bucky absolutely dominated, and as you sank the last cup, he picked you up, swinging you around before setting you back on your feet. The thing is, he didn’t really let you go. You stood there, in the middle of a crowded party, with his arms around you and it was like everyone else disappeared.

Searching your eyes for permission, he bent his head down and his lips met yours and that was really the beginning of it all. It was unlike any kiss you had ever had, sweet but a little desperate and you craved more.

It became a thing, after that. You would see Bucky at a party, make nice for a few hours, then end up in a closet or empty bedroom making out until someone came to find you.

But more than that, Bucky became your friend. He was who you talked to in your darkest moments, who you sent stupid videos to, everything, and you liked it like that.

That is, until everything got turned on its head.

It happened right after graduation. You had just moved into your own apartment and were waiting for Bucky to come over for movie night. You hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks, the communication very much lacking, but you figured it was just a busy time for both of you and once you got settled, everything would be fine.

That is, until you got a phone call as you closed the microwave door and started the popcorn. Immediately seeing Bucky’s name, you wiped your hands and answered.

“Hey, you almost here?”

There was a moment of silence on the other end, then a sigh.

“I- I don’t know how to say this,” Bucky started, and you found yourself growing nervous. There was nothing you and Bucky couldn’t talk about. Well, almost nothing. “Me and Dot, well, we’ve been talking and…”

His voice trailed off, the line going quiet again. But you were going to make him say it.

“We’re getting back together. She really wants to make it work this time.”

And there it was. Dot was Bucky’s on again-off again for the last several years, stretching back to before you even knew him, and it was a sore spot in your friendship. They had mostly been “off” in the time you’d known him, save for a few memorable occasions where she wormed her way back into his life for a couple weeks just to break his heart all over again. It was safe to say she was not your favorite person, and you certainly weren’t hers.

“Bucky…” you started, but he cut you off.

“No, I know what you’re thinking.” He actually probably had no clue how evil the thoughts you had were, but you weren’t going to enlighten him. “But it’s serious this time, we’ve been talking since graduation and we’re both ready to give this a real shot, without all the bullshit.”

He sounded so sincere, and he was your best friend, so you took a deep breath and sighed, accepting the fact that if you wanted Bucky in your life, this was just something you would have to deal with.

You could hear his relieved laugh on the other end, and you felt your stomach give an odd lurch, like someone had pulled a carpet out from under you.

“I knew you would understand, thank you.”

“Of course, Buck. Now, what about movie night?”

Another beat of silence, then, just like you knew it would happen:

“I can’t, Dot is coming over.”

You wanted to argue, to scream, to make him feel bad about choosing her over you, but hadn’t he already? So instead, you mumbled a quiet agreement and hung up, not wanting to talk to him any longer. Already, it felt like the beginning of the end.

And you weren’t sure you were ready for that.

-

It didn’t even happen slowly, is the worst part. You didn’t see Bucky that night, or any night for the weeks that followed. It wasn’t until you saw him at the coffee shop by your apartment that you were able to talk to him.

You sat down at his table, no longer interested in placid excuses and apologies, and asked him point blank what was going on.

“I’m just trying to keep Dot happy.”

“By staying away from me?” You were frustrated, sure, but under that really you were just hurt. “Listen, you know I don’t like her, but I would never ask you to choose between us. That’s not fair and if she cared about you like she said she does, then she wouldn’t either.”

“It’s not like that!” His voice was raising, just a little, so you knew he was just being defensive. He must have heard it too because he cleared his throat, voicing going back to normal. “I just don’t want to cause any problems.”

You nodded, grabbing your coffee as you stood up, and headed for the door. If he was willing to let your friendship go, then you weren’t going to fight him on it. So you left, face heated with embarrassment and tears threatening to spill over.

As you passed the threshold to the coffee shop back onto the sidewalk, you pulled your headphones on, ignoring the bustle of the city and Bucky still watching you leave through the window.

-

Adjusting to a life without Bucky was weird, you had to admit, but you did it anyway. The first few weeks were the hardest, when he was the first person you wanted to text during any occasion, but eventually that muscle memory faded until you were reaching out to the people who actually valued you in their life. 

Almost a year passed, and you moved on in all the ways you could. You heard Bucky moved back across the river to Brooklyn and that was about all you knew; your friends avoided the mention of even his name if they could help it, even though you knew at the very least Steve and Natasha still talked to him.

You just hoped he was happy, no matter what he was doing.

It was a cold January night when the notification came through. Wanda had recently convinced you to get on a dating app, even though you were perfectly content being single, thank you, but you had to admit the attention didn’t hurt.

You weren’t expecting much when your phone chimed and you unlocked it without even looking at the notification. Which is how you came face to face with Bucky’s Hinge profile, and a message attached to a picture of you that you knew he had taken saying: hey, you look familiar.

Was that really how he was going to make amends, on a dating app?

You supposed it was kind of funny, in that asshole way of his, and you stared at the message for another moment before responding.

oh, i know you?

if you want to

And, well, that was the thing. You did want to. No matter what he did, no matter how much he hurt you, he was still your best friend. Your Bucky.

Instead of answering, you pulled up a contact you hadn’t opened in months and pressed call. It rang one time before a familiar voice flooded the other end.

“Hey, stranger.”

“Hey, Buck.”

It was a healthy conversation, if you were being honest. Bucky apologized, told you he and Dot were done for good this time and, against your better judgment, you accepted it. You talked for hours after that, catching up on life and reminiscing on old memories, until you checked the time.

“Shit, it’s late,” you said as you put the phone back to your ear. “Almost midnight.”

And then, the words you dreaded but wanted desperately.

“Come over.”

“To Brooklyn? Buck I can’t take the subway this late.”

“I’ll pay for your Uber. Just come over.” You could hear the words he wanted to say, the ones on the tip of his tongue that he just wouldn’t force out.

“Well, I did miss you.” You tried to press it, to make him say it, but he only hummed on the other end.

“So is that a yes?”

You looked down at yourself, cozied up in sweatpants and a hoodie that you were almost entirely sure was Bucky’s, and sighed.

“Yes.”

“Perfect, your Uber will be there in 8 minutes.”

You didn’t have time to wonder how he got your new address - probably one of your mutual friends, maybe he had been keeping more tabs on you than you had on him - and shot up from the couch. With no time to change, you headed to the bathroom and brushed your teeth before taming your hair in the best way you could. As you were stuffing some clothes in an overnight bag - just in case, you told yourself - your phone chimed with a text from Bucky that your Uber had arrived. 

In a whirlwind, you rushed to the car where the driver seemed very put off at having to wait a whole 90 seconds for you to walk four flights of stairs, and slid in.

The whole ride there you were nervous. The thing with Bucky was, despite many drunken hookups, you’d never actually had sex. You weren’t really sure why, just that it had never happened and you had been grateful for it in the long run. You weren’t even sure if it would happen tonight, if he still wanted you like that. Even with all your talking and catching up, you hadn’t been brave enough to ask what this meant.

At nearly 1am, your Uber pulled up outside a beautiful Brooklyn brownstone and, there on the front porch, stood Bucky.

He wrapped you in his arms as he stood in front of you, and it all felt so heartbreakingly familiar you gave in immediately, all the tension leaking from your body at the feeling Bucky gave you. 

“Hey,” he said softly into your hair. “Come on in.”

Bucky’s house was so far from his old college apartment it was frightening, yet it couldn’t have felt more like Bucky. More like home. 

You took in your surroundings, shelves of books and vintage furniture and warm tones, it was almost like stepping back into your own place, the aesthetics were so similar. That was the funny feeling in your chest, you were sure.

Eventually, you ended up on Bucky’s couch with some superhero movie on, not really watching it but still grateful for its background noise to fill the room with each lull in the conversation. Not that there were many, one thing that came easy with Bucky had always been talking - although neither of you did much of that when it really mattered; you figured you could put that out of your mind for now. 

Over the course of the movie, you and Bucky shifted closer together until your thighs were pressed flush and you could feel the air from each of his exaggerated hand movements. It wasn’t until a wayward wave nearly grazed your nose that you truly realized how close you had become, and the sight of Bucky’s eyes shifting subtly to your lips has your self restraint at an all time low.

Fuck it, you thought. You had wanted this for so long, but you also knew you could live without Bucky if everything went tits up. It was a sad thought, that, but you couldn’t let this opportunity go. With every bit of courage you had, you let your hand float up to cup Bucky’s cheek, eyes searching for any sort of hesitation. When you found none, you leaned forward to close the admittedly small gap between your lips.

It was electric. Never had a kiss from someone else ever lit a fire inside you the way one from Bucky did. It started off slow, searching, a chance to reacquaint yourselves. But the second Bucky’s hand reached to tangle in your hair, everything shifted. 

Suddenly you were pulled in Bucky’s lap, legs straddling his, lips desperate for a taste of what you’d missed for so long. It was everything you hadn’t let yourself wish for, and you had a feeling you weren’t going to be missing it again anytime soon.

It wasn’t until your shirts were on the floor and Bucky was making quick work of your clasped bra that you thought maybe it would be smart to just slow down. Just for a second, just to get your bearings. 

An honest to god whine fell from his lips as you pulled back, stopping his hands from undressing you any further. 

“Buck,” you whispered, forehead pressed to his, hands cupping his face as if he was something precious. Though you supposed he was, to you at least. “What’s going on?”

“I just…” His voice trailed off, obviously unsure of himself even though this at least was familiar territory. What was to come next, however, was not. “I can’t go another day without making you mine.”

Your core tightened at the words, vivid memories of what Bucky’s hands and mouth could do; fantasies of what else he could do invaded as well as suddenly talking didn’t seem like a priority anymore. 

“Take me to bed.” And that was all he needed. 

Bucky scooped you up bridal style, carrying you across the threshold of his bedroom and laying you gently on his bed. Your eyes darted around, wanting more of snippets of the life Bucky had built here, but you were quickly distracted by his body covering yours, the weight of him pressed between your thighs was comforting and intoxicating. 

Bucky’s touch proved even more distracting as he shed you of your bra, mouth immediately latching to one nipple, the little nips and sucks enough to drive you crazy on their own, while his hands pinched at the other. He continued his assault until you were dizzy with want, then he trailed down your body with his mouth, not leaving an inch of skin undiscovered until he reached the waistband of your sweatpants.

He pulled them down just an inch, then his eyes shot up to meet yours at the discovery. 

“No underwear?” His voice was deep, husky, almost fucked out if you really thought about it. It was a thrill that your hold on him was so tight that just the thought of you without underwear was enough to leave him reeling just a little bit. 

You batted your eyes innocently. “Someone didn’t give me much warning about my Uber, I apologize.”

The giggle in your voice suggested the insincerity of your apology, but it didn’t deter Bucky as he pulled your pants from your body, mouth and hands still exploring. 

His fingers traced unknown patterns along your inner thighs, gently pushing them apart until you were fully exposed to him. You felt nervous all of a sudden, like you had never been in this position before. You had, of course, but never sober, and never with Bucky looking at you so attentively - like he was going to eat you alive. 

It was intense, having Bucky’s eyes bore into you as he lowered his mouth to your core, starting with gentle kitten licks until your hips were bucking, searching for more friction. One of his hands pinned your hips to the bed, while the other slipped through your folds, spreading spit and slick, before he slipped one inside of you. Then two, then three, until you were begging for release.

All it took was a soft whisper of come on, baby and a crook of Bucky’s fingers and you were falling apart, the intensity of your orgasm whipping through you, and as you floated back down to your senses, Bucky was still going. 

It was feverish, like he couldn’t get enough of your pleasure, and each twitch and moan encouraged him until your hands tangled in his hair, pulling him away from your spent body.

He let out a protest, but you silenced it by pressing your lips to his, moaning at the taste of yourself as his tongue pressed into your mouth. You were lost in the sensation, letting yourself be manhandled until you were once again in Bucky’s lap. Sometime while you had been transported to another planet, his pants had been shed and you were oh so close to getting everything you ever wanted. 

With your mouth still pressed to his, you rolled your hips, feeling the weight of him sliding along you. You kept at it, teasing and grinding until he thrust his hips and there it was; one slight adjustment and the feeling of Bucky stretching you out to was more overwhelming than you could have imagined.

Your hips stilled, as did Bucky’s, letting you adjust to him until you pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, your way of telling him that you were okay, that he could move.

His thrusts started slowly, letting you feel every inch of him until you were begging for more. When his hands stopped roaming to grip your hips tightly, you knew you were done for.

Bucky held you in place, his hips snapping up to fuck into you and all you could do was hold on for the ride. 

You were so overwhelmed you almost missed Bucky’s words, mixed in with his moans, but once you caught them, they were as clear as day:

I missed you.

Over and over, Bucky was repeating the words, interspersed with groans and heavy panting, but your heart restricted regardless 

He missed you. Bucky missed you.

With your thoughts such a jumbled mess, reveling in the fact that this was really happening, your orgasm snuck up on you. One second you were floating on the high of Bucky and the next you were crashing, falling, and he was right there to catch you as you came down.

His hips slowed, stuttering as he spilled into you with one final thrust.

For a moment, the world around you didn’t exist. All there was was this moment, with Bucky’s arms around you and your head buried in his shoulder. Everything came back at once: your harsh breaths, the noise of the TV far away in the living room, and Bucky’s hushed whispers as he held you.

“I missed you so much.” You didn’t respond for a moment, but you lifted your head to meet Bucky’s eyes. In them lay the sincerity of his words, vulnerable now that they weren’t being said in the heat of the moment.

“I missed you too, Buck.”

[twinkbasement]

i am like Not able to eat basically at all rn and this has beem ongoing for like 3-4 ish weeks now. in the first 2 weeks i cld eat a bit more but still like rlly way way too little and when i had my adhd review i was pretty surprised i had acc gained a bit of weight so i just sort of brushed off the not eating as me misremembering how much ive eaten. but now i like, am basically on a liquid only diet (and i cant drink anything thicker ? ig than like a diet coke bc that also makes me feel sick, tried having a milkshake at one point and i felt soooooo bad) bc 1 i like just dont get hungry at all, and 2 even if i feel ig the closest thing to describe wld be peckish (like im craving a specific flavour or texture) by the time i start eating it i rlly rlly do not want to be and its like, u know when ur so full its like hard to chew and u just want to spit the food out? like that. ive been trying very hard to like force myself thru this by like letting myself eat and buy whatever food i want at literally any time of day bc while it is expensive ive lost kind of a lot of weight v quickly (tw ed: this is about as much as id lose in a month whilst restricting v heavily in just under than 2 weeks). its worked to a degree but honestly im mostly just wasting food and honestly money, and whenever i do manage to eat a bit, itll be like 1 small size serving of poke (currently the only food that has been tolerated even slightly, ig maybe bc it has a "fresh" flavour? idk) eaten over the course or 5-6 hours bc i cldnt eat it faster than that which even then was not rlly tolerated bc i felt fucking disgusting physically, and then basically anything else (eg a genuinely really nice tasting stew my wife made, a mozzarella and avocado sandwich, just an avocado w salt, pasta, etc) makes me so nauseous and uncomfortable that i have to go force myself to throw up right after ive eaten to not literally be in hell for like 8-9 hours (i have an extremely low tolerance for managing nausea and the amazing ability to basically never throw up ever by myself hence the "forcing myself" which yes bad but also i refuse to be regurgitating and getting acid reflux whilst in pain for that whole day because i tried to eat smthn). i originally thought it was probably psychological bc ive been doing v v badly and to a degree it is (i cba to cook or eat rlly) but even when i have the food to eat i cant do it then either? idrk what to do, i have brought it up to drs multiple times who just tell me its poor mental health management and imply i need to ig "try harder". theres also the fact that it is v triggering for my disordered eating brain bc i am unintentionally restricting a lot and i am losing a lot of weight and its been v difficult not to just spiral down that sort of thought process into just not eating at all. feeling kind of like this is either gna randomly stop at some point and itll just be a confusing period of my life or im going to get v v unwell without support and be blamed for it

[cosmossystem]

As someone who was told they weren't "disabled enough" for most groups. Thank you, genuinely, for those recent posts.

I have invisible physical disabilities and several neurological ones as well, and I feel extremely excluded in most disabled movements because of the things people keep saying.

Just because mine doesn't look as bad, doesn't mean it's easier to deal with.

(I hope this is ok to send, if this crosses any boundaries please feel free to delete! 🖤❤)

im glad to hear this. this is exactly why i speak about it so much.

our neurodivergence directly ties into our physical disability. our (c)ptsd, severe anxiety, and avpd have left us with chronic pain that cannot be fixed or even diagnosed properly. we are moderately agoraphobic, so we cant do anything that requires going outside. due to our neurodivergence, it would be incredibly difficult for us to hold a job, and we are completely incapable of doing many tasks that others would find easy for both mental and physical reasons. those are ALL disabling things.

i dont think people understand that mental/neurological disabilities arent something you can just... ignore. i cannot just "ignore" my triggers. i get physical symptoms from them, i get nauseous, i throw up, i get heart palpitations, i ache for days and become bedridden and lose capacity to do anything at all. my mental illnesses trigger my physical illnesses, and similarly my physical illness triggers my mental illness. having chest pain? welp, there goes my good week. have a headache? im clearly dying and i cant do anything today. my ocd and (c)ptsd leaves me immobile for hours at a time. they clearly contribute to my disability.

how am i supposed to know for certain if my chronic chest pain is fibromyalgia or "just anxiety", when it is incredibly painful and disabling either way? how am i supposed to act like these are two separate experiences? i would still need accommodations. am i taking up precious resources because im not disabled in the way you think i should be? does that make me a "bad" disabled person? no. no it doesnt. it never will. i am disabled regardless.

these are the intersections we should be talking about when we discuss experiences with disability, and yet, certain "people" (who i wont name) are more interested in created hard and quick lines between Physical Disability and Not-Physical Disability as if they never influence each other ever or as if our society "prefers" one over the other, which it does not. society does not accomodate for ANY of us. thats why we are... ahem... "disabled."

its like theres a list of "acceptable" disabilities to have and if you dont have one of those, tough luck buddy, youre Certifiably Not Crippled(TM) according to Me, Random Stranger Who Knows Everything.

i have more to say but i think this is long enough so ill cut it off there. but thank you for this ask. i dont totally regret posting about it now, lol.

💿 red