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thatsparrow · 11 months

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thoughts on a single episode of the golden bachelor

last night, I watched the latest episode of the golden bachelor with a friend of mine (it was the hometowns episode, for reference). it’s the only episode I’ve seen of the golden bachelor, and one of very few episodes I’ve seen of any bachelor property. my main takeaway based on this very limited experience is that the show shouldn’t really be about him.

by virtue of all the contestants being in their late-60s, early-70s (at least for the episode I was watching, I think my friend was saying there were some women in their 50s when the show started), and because the golden bachelor (gerry) is in his early 70s, everyone participating in this experience (again, that I saw, which at the start of the episode is 6 women) is bringing a genuine level of weight and seriousness to the process. these are women with children and grandchildren, with decades of complex romantic experiences under their belts. they’ve been through a lot. they know what they want. these aren’t a bunch of 20-somethings who might be there looking for love, or might just be looking to become semi-famous (not to say that’s true of all the contestants in other seasons, presumably when you get to hometowns everyone is equally invested in the possibility of this working out, but a late-20, early-30-year-old is going to be thinking about marriage and their future in a way that is fundamentally different from someone in their late-60s, early-70s.)

so, we get to hometowns, and we see our three finalists introduce gerry to their families—not a child introducing a possible spouse to their parents and siblings and friends, but instead women who are effectively the matriarchs of their families bringing home somebody who would potentially be impacting the lives of their children and grandchildren. they share some incredibly personal stories. it is evident that all of these women have been through a tremendous amount—both romantically and personally—and the fact that they are opening themselves up to gerry in this way, really allowing themselves to believe in the possibility of a future with him, is remarkable and very brave!

and then there’s gerry—now, I missed gerry’s introduction, because I have only watched this one episode, and so don’t know a tremendous amount about him. I know he’s a widower and he married his childhood sweetheart. he seems like he's nice, a good listener, and genuinely interested in getting to know and engaging with the women on the show. he does seem to respect the gravity of the position that he’s in, in terms of knowing that, ultimately, he will be disappointing—and, in the cases of the final contestants, breaking the hearts of—all but one of the women on the show. he seems like an excellent choice for season 1 of the golden bachelor.

but here’s why I don’t think the show should really be about him: yes, he is ostensibly our main character, and the narrative is his narrative and is ultimately decided by him, but I think it is very clear that gerry has the least to lose in this situation. I don’t want to gloss over the fact that he is opening himself to a new relationship after the loss of someone he was in love with and married to for so long, and truly I can’t imagine what that process must be like, but in this current situation, for gerry, he opens his heart, and is in a situation in which there are multiple women ready and waiting to return that love. the odds of him getting his heart broken are considerably lower than for any of these final three women.

so let’s return to hometowns—gerry meets each of these three families, and genuinely seems to bond and fit in with all of them. each of the three women tell gerry that they love him—a significant and weighty step, because these women have enough experience to know what love means to them, and what it means to allow themselves to feel so strongly for somebody else—and gerry, gerry my man, returns each of their sentiments, including telling their family members that he is in love or falling in love with each of them.

now, I do believe (and maybe this is just me buying into the magic of TV) that gerry is taking the responsibility of being the golden bachelor seriously. I do believe that gerry, had he met any of these three women in some other circumstance, could have developed a serious and lasting relationship with them. I do believe that gerry could see himself ending up with and leading a happy life with any of these women. but this is a TV show with pretty clear rules, and gerry knows that. gerry knows that, even if he feels a level of love for each of these women, even if under other circumstances he could have built a happy life with any of them, he is ultimately only going to end up with one of them. and in that regard, it does seem a little careless—potentially even a little cruel—to extend that promise of love to all of these women and their families, knowing that for one of them, it will be the least strong, the least sure love, and their chance at a future with him won’t go any further.

at the end of the episode, we get to the rose ceremony, and gerry gives out one of his two roses, and then clearly agonizes over the decision to make. he leaves the room, he gets comforted by the host, he mentions feeling sick to his stomach. he says something to the effect of knowing what he needs to do, and feels awful about doing it.

and to me, that sort of encapsulates why the show shouldn’t really be about him. for gerry, this moment of extreme emotional turmoil isn’t about the possibility of him getting hurt, but about the certainty of hurting somebody else. and that does sound like a miserable situation to be in, but obviously it is also much more miserable for the woman he’s going to be sending home. I can’t speak to what has happened since the show ended, if gerry is still with whatever woman he ends up choosing, but it seems very likely that, at this point, he is at the least risk for heartbreak of anybody on the show. the crux of the drama surrounding gerry is, who do I love the most, not, will he love me back, and I think that second question is the much scarier, much more noteworthy one!

the way this show is set up, the only way any of these women have a chance of making it to the end—and by extension, ending up in a serious and committed relationship—is to be vulnerable and open, to risk being deeply honest and emotional in the hopes that those feelings are returned, and aren’t surpassed by some other equally intimate moment that gerry has had with somebody else. they are voluntarily putting themselves in a position to get hurt—a situation in which it is almost certain they will be ultimately disappointed—and I think that is very brave and also very sad and mostly sucks all around. I also think that means these women are going on much more significant journeys of personal growth, with far higher stakes involved, and as such, how can you not empathize with them the most?

#also they all brought up but then never actually addressed the question of logistics #(who would move? where would they end up living? etc.) which drove me up the wall #the golden bachelor #kayla talks media

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dollsome-does-tumblr · 4 years

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it’s very embarrassing that i only consciously realized this just now

but

dean and cas are both, like, defined by allegiance to their fathers & families that has kind of warped them into an agent of violent action and unquestioning loyalty, where you exist to serve instead of to be

but then

they meet each other

and finally have a space where that’s not all that they are

and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL W/ THAT?

(watching the rest of s4 is going to be interesting for me. watching the rest of this show is going to be interesting for me. i’m still trying to recover from cas laughing a little at one of dean’s quips while they sat on park benches together at the end of 4.07! THAT was too much for me! help!)

#they are SAME and it HURTETH ME #narratively it feels a lot like the experience of meeting a spouse and starting a new family #(not necessarily kids. just becoming a new family unit together.)#rather than being stuck with all the baggage and pain that comes with the family you grew up with #and i think that's at the root of why i am So Distressed that we didn't get to see them reunite in the finale #i think that space is so important for both of them even if you don't want to make it textually romantic???#(but at least we know they will. that's something.)#dollsome's deep thoughts #supernatural #destiel

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onelastbreath-writes · 4 years

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I’ll Meet You There (Part 3)

Pairing: Marcus Moreno/ Wife!Reader (AFAB, no y/n)

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Talks about loss of spouse, loss of child, medical conditions/inaccuracies, grief/mourning, manipulation/brainwashing (subtext/implied, but we’ll get into it later *winkwink*)

Tags: Hurt/No comfort (for now), ANGST, eventual happy ending, one really sad man for whom I just keep making things worse, #sorrynotsorry, and now I’m just making stuff up as I go along

Summary(lite): You are Marcus’s wife, and you’re definitely not dead. No one is having a great time right now, but like hell if there's a force on this earth that’ll keep you apart forever. This is not a goodbye, its just a see you later. And the interim is going to be everyone else’s problem, you’ll make sure of it.

A/N: Hello dears, welcome back to my twisted mind story,,, guess who showed up like 2 weeks late with a smoothie! So things about this new chapter: I am a criminal with italics and someone needs to stop me, hello switching scenes and perspectives because I just want to fast forward to the good stuff but y’all don’t live in my head and don’t know all the stuff that happens to get us there so here we are taking the slow lane, and I keep brainstorming new and horrible things for my characters because I am A Lot, All The Time, and will not be stopped. Also hey, Marcus the Simp is here for you, so much. I hope this is acceptable to be a reader fic still, because I am giving you some serious personality traits... ehh, it is what it is. Tell me if you spot any of my various references, there’s a lot of ‘em. Thanks to everyone who has liked/reblogged/commented, y’all are gorgeous and I’m so grateful for the love <3 Drop me a message/ask if you want a secret about one of the characters (specify which one), I need an outlet for my endless b.t.s. plotting >;) Please enjoy p3!

AO3|Masterlist

[Previous Part]

---

There were more casseroles in his fridge that Marcus knew what to do with, and more sympathy and “thinking of you” cards stacked in piles around the house than he could count. He appreciated everyone’s gestures, but he could recognize the difference between people who were kind in the interest of helping others, and those who were kind only to help themselves. It was quite obvious which type were flooding his mailbox.

Hell, most of the people sending him cards, his fans, didn’t even know his wife, never spoke to her, didn’t feel the empty Her-shaped-space in their very souls. They just wanted the clout, the prestige, of being ‘involved’ and sympathetic to a grieving superhero. It was exhausting, but no one seemed to empathize with him on that.

The Heroics upper management, and the director specifically after his press conference and the publicity the attack had brought the organization, had insisted on Marcus taking an undetermined amount of leave from the team so he could “process and mourn his loss in the comfort of his own home.” Like he didn’t look around and see every piece of himself and his wife over the years; the Home they built for their family, filled with all the hopes and dreams of two starry eyed lovers ready to take on the world together. Like her absence wasn’t slowly killing him.

And it wasn’t like she was gone gone.

Dead.

She wasn’t dead.

No way in Hell.

Whether it was because she worked with superpowered people, her experience as a medical professional, or if she was just more paranoid than most, his wife was a planner, and she was prepared for this. “In the event of my death...," like she just knew it would be necessary.

Truthfully, she had schemes and contingencies and all manner of reactionary plans prepared for if (and when) the worst happened; terrified to be blindsided or caught unaware, unable to help those she would have been able to, if only if she had the time to think. Unpreparedness costs lives in both of their careers, and she refused to leave anything up to chance if possible. And so, she’d plan, and he’d listen.

All throughout their relationship, from before they’d even gotten serious enough to discuss marriage, to when they heard their unborn child’s heartbeat for the first time, and just on random weekday afternoons when they would take Missy for walks around the neighbourhood to show her the beauty in their lives, his wife would paint her theories and ideas like artwork. She’d tell him a story, full of action and mystery, humour and theatrics, tragic romance and harrowing adventure; she could spin a tale like she had a silver tongue, but she never lost herself in her own narratives. In the end, they were messages, lessons, for him to remember when everything was going wrong.

“It’s all about momentum, babe. Bleeding off energy and taking a bad hit instead of a fatal hit. You can’t just full stop; you’d absorb all the kinetic energy, and the resulting trauma will turn all your squishy internals into, like, body soup, which is just super unpleasant. And of course, head is always number one priority. Bracing for impact works better at giving you fewer serious injuries, especially for your neck and head. Muscles should absorb as much of the energy as possible, instead of letting it fall to your ligaments, discs, and nerves to take the force. So, tense up and roll in the case of a low air evacuation.”

Low air evac... she was concerned he was going to have to jump from an aircraft without a parachute at some point in his life. Which was probably accurate he’d admit, but still, he wasn’t hoping to actually need that plan.

Thankfully, it wasn’t always fire and brimstone with her, and she had many strange and terrible schemes to keep the common, everyday superhero family on their toes. Always carry at least two lip balms... never tell someone you don’t have plans for the evening... don’t smile in your mugshot... no clowns. Ever.

She was so weird, a total nerd, and so completely the girl of his dreams.

He loved teasing her about her unending train of thought, the brain that never sleeps, how she’d go on tangents while on tangents but always circle back around; even nicknamed her (quite cheekily, and because it made them both laugh) Doctor Batman, which was usually saved for when she was being particularly dramatic and gloomy. Turn the supercomputer off for a second, Bats, come see what Missy’s doing!

He was her anchor, always ready to pull her back to earth when she started drifting off too far from them, but he never asked and never wanted her to change. He adored her, silly or serious, or when she woke him up in the middle of the night to make him promise that he’d never get their kid(s) a pet owl (because they’re “scary”, and “our kids would be too powerful, Marcus. Promise me!”), or that in the event of them inviting a third to their bed, it would “absolutely never, ever, ever be Miracle. No way!”

He thought it was quite entertaining most of the time, listening to her plan for zombies and old gods and what to do if everyone just started hating cheese one day, but if it was all so important to her: having him remember this or agree to that, he’d accede to her requests in a heartbeat. Most of it was cute, harmless stuff he didn’t think would even happen, but sometimes she would hit him with serious stuff. Entirely out of left field, she’d go for his heart, and ask him for things that would hurt him, destroy him inside, if he ever had to follow through with it.

“Marcus, if it’s a choice between my safety- my life, and Missy’s? I’m always going to choose her. Kids come first, okay?”

She wasn’t superpowered, didn’t have a shred of anything other than pure, normal human in her, but she was easily the strongest person he knew. Fearless and brave, kinder than this world deserved, she’d do anything for the people she cared about. And she’d promised him, maybe as a way to repay him for all the things he’d agreed to over the years, that she’d move heavens and the earth to return to their family. That nothing in this world, or beyond, could keep her away. “Eventually,” she’d stared into his eyes, glossy with tears from how forcefully she believed, “I will find my way back to you. I swear it, so keep a weather eye on the horizon.” See? A whole-ass nerd, and he couldn’t have loved her more.

So, she wasn’t dead. Pure and simple. She was somewhere, somehow, and he was going to find her again.

---

“Marcus, the grieving process is different for everyone, but it is always unpredictable and painful. You will have days where you will feel like you haven’t made any progress, or even lost the progress you’ve previously made, but please know that this is natural; it's something everyone experiences, and that it doesn’t mean you’ve failed in your objective. Healing takes time, and a major part of recovery is learning to forgive yourself when you slip up. No one expects you to be back to normal tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Healing from grief is not a race, so we will go at your own pace, and we will work together to accomplish your recovery goals. You aren’t alone in this journey, and you don’t need to handle everything by yourself.”

The grief specialist he was seeing was someone he would describe as an “old soul”. She exuded the patience and peace of someone who had watched empires rise and fall, seen the turning of the wheel of time and drifted along with the current. Her voice was deep, rich in emotion and empathy for those who needed guidance, calming and intriguing with a soft lilt on her vowels. Timeless and ancient all in one, and even if he wasn’t actually mourning the death of his wife, he did find himself deeply grieving being without her. They were two halves of a whole, and though his soul was at a loss without its partner here, he still had their greatest creation, their pride and joy, their baby girl to raise.

He would do whatever he had to do to be the best parent he could for Missy. And so, if meeting with a physiatrist every week was something that would help, then he would be here, every week. He'd learn to live with his grief, his sadness and loneliness, with just the memory of his Everything, and he’d help their kid with all hers too.

It’s what he promised to do, after all.

“If anything ever happens to me, you’ll just have to love her enough for the both of us.”

---

There was nothing they could recover of the people closest to centre of the explosion. No remains, no blood, nothing. Like they hadn’t been there at all.

Suspicious.

Upper Management had brought in a team of private investigators to handle the case, people who would keep the details quiet and the public appeased with what little information they’d choose to release.

Marcus was a superhero, and sure, his job was to hit things until they weren’t a problem anymore, but he couldn’t understand why all the highly trained professionals didn’t question the sheer amount of evidence that just wasn’t adding up.

He tried to bring up the inconsistencies once with the lead investigator, but they had just given the distraught, widowed husband, so lost in his own denial and grasping at straws, a sad smile and told him they would do everything they could to find the truth for him and the rest of the victims’ families.

Typical.

After being brushed off without a second thought, he decided to keep his ideas quiet, and since they’d proven their unwillingness to listen, he’d just have to solve the mass disappearance himself.

“Have you ever thought about how to commit the perfect murder, mi amor? I have. First: If there’s no body, they can’t prove the person is dead. No evidence of death? No murder. Simple. But of course, completely vanishing a full human would be a challenge. Short of having the superpowers necessary to, like, erase someone from reality in their entirety, there would be a lot of chances to leave evidence. Ordering suspicious chemicals leaves a trail, driving out to a pig farm in the middle of the night is shady as hell and all neighbors are professional narcs, and fires? Hah! Do you have any idea how hot the fire needs to be to cremate human remains, and how long they would need to grill for? Huh, maybe the perfect murder isn’t a murder at all...

Hey babe...

Always doubt a body, but always doubt no body, more.”

---

You tended to lose time when there was no one else in your room. It was hard to tell when your eyes were open because you started dreaming about the only things you could see since you first woke up: drop-ceiling tiles, white walls, and pale blue curtain dividers. And it was easier that way, in the end. Your heart didn’t hurt when you only dreamt of the room. You couldn’t mourn the things and people only your soul could remember if you thought of the room. Drifting in and out of consciousness was how you were coping.

---

You had been here, left in this room alone, for ages. You had agreed to help the man who had saved you from the explosion that killed your family, but apparently you couldn’t help him until you had recovered enough. You’d read your charts, grilled your nurses and doctors more and more the longer you were kept here. What were they all waiting for? There was nothing wrong with you except the mild post traumatic amnesia, and the whole not-remembering-much-(or anything, really)-about-your-personal-life-and-family-of-the-recent-few-years thing you had going on. It was nothing compared to when you first awoke and could remember nothing. It killed you to be without the memories of your husband and child, to know only of them instead of actually knowing them, but there was nothing you or the doctors here could do. The brain was a tricky thing, and you had to accept that your memory loss might be permanent.

That just meant that you had to put all that you could remember to good use. You could help people here, and work towards getting justice for your family. Years and years of school, practical experience and training, you had gained it all back; re-read textbooks and studies, wrote papers on your re-emerging knowledge and jogged your memory about long nights and early mornings, surgeries and follow ups... it was all still in your head. It had returned to you easily, like diving into a cool pool on a hot summer day. It was like coming home and taking off your shoes; it felt good, freeing, as-it-should-be.

But still they weren’t letting you leave. So: what were they waiting for?

“Ah, Doctor, it’s lovely to see you, as always. How are we feeling today?” Okay, so the guy who “saved” you (read: paid the people who actually saved your life) gave you the heebie-jeebies. He looked like a classic pompous asshole bigwig, like, oil tycoon or something. And he definitely had some sort of thing for you. Gross.

“I’m doing as well as can be expected, trapped in a room with nothing to do, you know, brain rotting, et cetera. Thanks for asking.” The sass was a choice, probably not a great choice, but your choice none-the-less. You really hadn’t had many opportunities to choose anything for yourself in a while.

Well...

You were bored, and that was going to be everyone else’s problem.

“Ah, well, good news then! You have been cleared from observation and you’ll be able to be discharged soon. Isn’t that just delightful!” Mister Craig (“Please, just Greg is fine”), was some sort of horrible group hallucination, you were convinced. No one was that cheery, that animated, unless they were on something, or you were on something. “I’ll have someone bring you your personal effects shortly, and then I can show you to your new apartment. The complex isn’t in the best neighbourhood unfortunately, but it's got some real charm, very vintage! You’ll love it!”

“I’ll look forward to seeing it then; sounds like it’ll be a real interesting place to stay. You can also explain what it is I’m going to be doing with your organization. Because you haven’t specified yet. And I expect a proper contract and wage agreement. Legally binding preferably, for your sake, of course, Mr. Craig.” Even if you weren’t the most physically intimidating person around, you knew how, and more so, when, to assert your dominance in a conversation. Especially with men like him. He was the type of guy who would pinch a nurse’s ass and then accuse them of not being able to take a joke.

“You wound me, Doctor, I am a man of integrity! I promised you an opportunity to make a difference! To get justice for the loved ones so cruelly torn from you! You have nothing to worry about!”

Sounds legit. Totally above board. Can’t wait.

---

Taglist (omg!! thanks love): @killtherandomness

Drop me a line if you want to be added <3

#we can be heroes #we can be heroes fanfiction #marcus moreno #marcus moreno x reader #Marcus Moreno x you #reader x marcus moreno #reader insert #Pedro Pascal #hurt/comfort #eventual happy ending #say hello to doctor batman lol. theres a whole thing i created just for that nickname to happen. ask me about it if you want XD #also you're a sassy BAMF. oops

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laughingpinecone · 4 years

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Press Start letter

I am laughingpineapple on AO3

It’s a long list of character combos so the specific requests aren’t overly detailed, please draw at will from my general likes and general fandom likes in addition or as an alternative to any of those!

All requests are art or fic - for art, the stuff I like is the kind that depicts the characters doing something. I’ll always be happier with a very simple drawing of two characters walking together or sharing a cup of coffee than with an ambitious composition that looks like an Avengers poster. I also enjoy seeing them wear different clothes, getting a feel of what their fashion sense is like beyond their canon outfit(s).

Likes: worldbuilding, slice of life (especially if the event the fic focuses on is made up but canon-specific), missing moments, 5+1 and similar formats, bonding and emotional support/intimacy, physical intimacy, lingering touches, loyalty, casefic, surrealism, magical realism, established relationships, future fic, hurt/comfort or just comfort from the ample canon hurt, throwing characters into non-canon environments, banter, functional relationships between dysfunctional individuals, unexplained mysteries, bittersweet moods, journal/epistolary fic, dreams and memories and identities, canon-adjacent tropey plots, outsider POV, UST, resolved UST, exploration of secondary bits of canon, leaning on the uniqueness of the canon setting/mood, found families, characters reuniting after a long and/or harrowing time, friends-to-lovers, road trips, maps, mutual pining, cuddling, wintry moods, the feeling of flannel and other fabrics, ridiculous concepts played straight, sensory details, sickfic, places being haunted, people being haunted, the mystery of the woods, small hopes in bleak worlds, electricity, places that don’t quite add up, mismatched memories, caves and deep places, distant city lights at night, emphasis on non-human traits of non-human characters (gen-wise, but also a hearty yes xeno for applicable ships)

Cool with: any tense, any pov, any rating, plotty, not plotty, IF, nerdy canon references, unrequested characters popping up

DNW: non-canonical rape, non-canonical children, focus on children, unrequested ships (background established canon couples are okay, mentions of parents are okay), canon retellings, consent issues

Dark Souls

I’m only familiar with the first game+DLC! It’s probably relevant to mention that I think that linking the fire is kind of a dumbass move and Gwyn is an ass, but on the other hand Kaathe has his own agenda and there’s no winning move in this world, or at least no obvious one. Feel free to deviate from anyone’s canon endings, to make things happen that’ll stave off their hollowing. I am interested in any of these people meeting and possibly striking up a friendship, and also in exploring Lordran’s temporal/dimensional fuckery, where it’s possible to meet people who have been gone for ages…

Group: Solaire of Astora & Siegmeyer of Catarina: so much fanart of Sun Bro & Onion Bro being bros, so little fic. And yet, the potential! How’d they bounce off each other, what about the fact that Siegmeyer is apparently a proper Catarina knight after all while Solaire just painted his self-made insignia and left, what would Sieg think of Solaire’s quest?

Group: Alvina the Cat & Sieglinde of Catarina: dunno, kitty. I love them both and I want everyone cool to go on adventure with each other. What’s left for Alvina now that Sif is gone, Artorias’ grave desecrated? For her part, did Sieglinde, you know, (mimics Ash Lake)?

Ghost Trick

I am very interested in various characters finding about the erased timeline, but not getting their memories back, and having to live with being told about what they did but never remembering it. Exploring the ghost lore is great. All what-ifs welcome (what if they managed an acceptable happy ending but didn’t reset the timeline, what if a different party went back to the past and kept their memories, what if Alma’s ghost stuck around…) Also open to AUs here, especially for generic fantasy or sci-fi settings or the Final Fantasy ones I prompted last Yuletide.

For the non-canon sides of Jowd/Alma/Cabanela, please no infidelity? I’d be good with either setting the fic during the game timeline or some what-if thereof when the other spouse is dead or unavailable, or simply keeping them offscreen and not mentioning them (eg Alma/Cabanela beach day, Jowd/Cabanela precinct shenanigans)

For Jowd in general, I do love my big boy and enjoy milking that size difference for all it’s worth. In gen contexts too, it’s neat. him big.

Group: Jowd & Yomiel: I’d love to read about the intimate understanding that comes from their shared memories and the horrors they’ve mutually forgiven (and a penchant for morbidity they’ve gained from such horrors probably). Cat dads things welcome.

Group: Alma/Jowd/Cabanela: maybe once Alma and Jowd have figured out he’s smitten and that they do in fact reciprocate... they tease him to death, slowly and deliberately? Is it even a Jowd romance if there’s not an exhausting amount of teasing involved, I ask?

Group: Alma/Jowd & Cabanela: Cabs’ life is wild; his best friends’ home is a safe haven...

Group: Emma & Pigeon Man: Emma’s unsuspected beta reader...

Group: Alma/Cabanela: (taps mic) legs. And fashion!

Group: Cabanela/Jowd: a recent tumblr post made a convincing argument for Cabs liking to be in charge (the argument is just pointing at Cabanela, honestly). Jowd is... agreeable, by his own admission. But is it that simple?

Kentucky Route Zero

I love the ending and I’d love to see its themes and setting explored. I’m all for exploration of any of the game’s themes and for including any staples from adjacent genres - wanna go full-on American Gothic? Dip into surrealism? Take a leaf from Twin Peaks with tulpa / split narratives to explore the characters’ issues? I love AUs so that’s an option too. Or of course there’s Xanadu at the height of its glory, an infinite what-ifs generator. Were the requested characters part of it, what were their digital counterparts up to? A Xanadu narrative would be great! I’d also love to hear about any new spot along the Zero or the Echo river, or an expansion of some place that’s only mentioned by Will in HATATE or only gets a few paragraphs of text. Mostly, I just love all these characters so much and I’m going through the tagset’s options like a hyperactive cat. Any fragment of their lives will make me happy.

Group: Shannon Márquez & Conway & Conway's Dog: does Shannon get to see them after the ending? Even for a moment?

Group: Lula Chamberlain/Joseph Wheattree/Donald: so Lula went back to Mexico. Joseph is pensive. Did the events of the night shake up Donald, or what will it take?

Group: Junebug & Lula Chamberlain: artists! Outspoken... artists... with a complicated personality. Put them in the same room and...?

Group: Junebug & Johnny: where’s the strangest place they played in, and what did Johnny find there?

Group: Conway & Johnny & Junebug (Kentucky Route Zero): their story is about finding individuality, his is about succumbing and losing it. Would any of them pick up on this mid-Act IV? Or just... talking about limbs and stuff?

Group: Cate & Will & Shannon Márquez (Kentucky Route Zero): a few months later, Shannon finds herself on the Mucky Mammoth again...

Group: Carrington & Weaver Márquez & Shannon Márquez (Kentucky Route Zero): maybe the cousins were trying to bond or reminisce or whatever and Carrington dive-bombed into the conversation, but in the end it was an enriching experience... of sorts?

Group: Carrington & Lula Chamberlain (Kentucky Route Zero): I don’t usually look for college shenanigans but this may be the exception? Or Art Opinions?

Group: Carrington & Clara (Kentucky Route Zero): would she even... get a word in? Maybe with the right topic?

Group: Carrington & Cate & Will (Kentucky Route Zero): Mammoth life! ...what does theater have to say about mushrooms again?

Group: Shannon Marquez & Weaver Marquez (Kentucky Route Zero): at the end of it all, Weaver was waiting. After this end, they can stand side by side again...

Group: Emily & Ben & Bob (Kentucky Route Zero): so what does it mean, like, poetically, that they were temporally displaced and Act I is in their future from Act V? Is it possible they were not aware of it?

Mutazione

The island, the sense of community, newcomers joining the community, gardens and music... I love the mood of this little game. Got ideas for some part of the island we haven’t seen? What stories do they tell each other about Moon Dragon and the first days of the new life it brought? The plants encyclopaedia was great - do Yoké’s archives hide some other cool tome? Please, if Graubert is mentioned, I would much prefer a sympathetic portrayal - he’s got his issues but I felt that the game was much harder on him than anyone else.

Group: Yoké & Karoo: I love the friendship between Yoké and Nonno and filtering it through Karoo feels even cooler to me. When did the big spooky bird first visit, did Yoké know or perceive what was going on?

Group: Yoké & Claire: book club book club book club!

Group: Spike/Claire: they’re so cute! Dinner at Mori’s? Swimming together?

Group: Nonno & Spike: I love Nonno’s role in the community and Spike’s role in the community, and they’re the two people who landed there and decided to stay. Could they bond over this?

Group: Dennis & Nonno: Important Tree Health Business!

Group: Bopek & Jell-A: Jell-A is the absolute coolest and Bopek grew on me a lot. Their friendship is adorable! What could they do together? As a side note, Jell-A’s place has the tightest interior decor in the whole game. How’d that happen, and does Bopek get a flair for vintage shapes and volumes in his weaving?

Group: Mori & Nonno & Yoké: FRIENDS. Friends for a long time, through so much pain. An evening together while The Youths (tm) are at Spike’s bar?

Yoké: catch-all Yoké request because he’s my fave! Doing Yoké things, being a big nerd, caring for books and plants and stuff

Pyre

The burning found family feelings, the revolutionary passion, the tension between topside social constraints and the kind of freedom allowed by the Downside! Thoughts about finding oneself at the end of an age, as everything crumbles down to form something new. I love all the themes, the solemnity, the heart of this game. I adore everyone in that Blackwagon+Dalbert+Celeste, so if you want to add a Nightwing or two to any prompt, please do! I also love all the Scribes and find Erisa a compelling tragic figure. Out of the other triumvirates, I’m “love to hate them” for Manley, Brighton, Udmildhe and Deluge and would not like to see them featured in sympathetic roles. My main interest usually lies in post-canon exploration when applicable, but I’m also into various adventures during canon. Pick a location or a place outside the map and see what happens? As for the ending variables, I’d ask for a peaceful revolution and Oralech alive, but no preferences for who’s up and who’s down, pick whatever works best for any given plot bunny.

Group: Tariq & Soliam: what were Tariq and Celeste like in their earliest days? Were they made or summoned from some sort of preexisting star consciousness? They’re wildly different scenarios! I’m good with either. Does Soliam then see Tariq as a child of sorts, someone he made, or something greater than himself? Did he mean to do that, to have these two immortals around? What does Tariq learn from the First Scribe?

Group: Tariq & Dalbert Oldheart: Any excuse for Tariq to hang out with the Fates for a little while, and treasure and be treasured by dear Dalbert...

Group: Oralech & Vagabond Girl: after all is said and done, Oralech’s view of the Scribes is probably... understandably... dire. So of course I want to see him talk it out with ae!

Group: Celeste & Ignarius: look, listen, if the various triumvirates just camped out near their respective Scribe’s place during the Nightwings’ years-long absence (not the only possible explanation for how you find them all neatly lined up before the first lib rite, but an explanation nonetheless, I think. just let me have my crack), that means Iggy was Celeste’s neighbor for a long time. Neighborly hijinks please?

Group: Bertrude/Pamitha: Pam returning from her travels, again and again, and finding a home in Bertrude’s lab, finding an understanding there... Bertrude’s attitude being thorny in a way that’s just what Pam needs to allow herself to open up... also: snake kisses.

Group: Volfred Sandalwood/Oralech: waking up and remembering that the mourning that’s set deep in your roots is for someone who never died, waking up and remembering that the bitterness that consumed you had made up a betrayal that never was, finding each other through these crumbling walls...

Molten Milithe: that’s the pov for a love letter to the Downside, right? And/or which Scribe did she bond with the most? Or the least for that matter?

Volfred Sandalwood: catch-all Volf’n’anyone request. I want to see our tree interact with any friend and foe you might fancy! Arguing for his beliefs, being a history professor through and through, finding himself in a tight spot and getting unexpected help, verbally tearing Brighton a new one if they ever cross each other’s path again...

group: Volfred Sandalwood/Tariq | The Lone Minstrel: Volfred’s zodiac sign is Cancer and Cancer is ruled by the Moon, so there’s that. I love how they both hold the other in the highest esteem, especially on Tariq’s part since he’s the immortal Herald of the Scribes and Volfred is, all in all, a history teacher, but listen to him and you’d think the roles were inverted. I love my nonviolent canon but could anything happen to either of them that may require a rescue, and/or some good old-fashioned h/c? What’s something that could make Tariq of all people lose it? How’s life 100 years on?

Shenmue

This game cares for the little things. I’d love to see fanworks that try to out-slice-of-life canon...

Group: Qiu Hsu & Xianzi Bei: cormorant kung fu adventure! Do they hang out sometimes?

Group: Hazuki Ryo & Shenhua Ling: any moment, discussion, small adventure from their travels together! I love their bond! For all its waifufication of Shenhua, S3 really sold me on their friendship and a shared brand of dorkiness. Alternatively, sometimes I remember that they’d be 50ish in the present day - how and where do you picture them?

The Silver Case

I‘m all for the surrealism, big things being introduced and never picked up again, Rashomon’ing it up with six explanations for the same thing where no single one can be true, people dying and then popping up again like nbd... maybe the thing I like the most is characters transcending their humanity and looming over the dystopian world like ominous avatars. Correctness’ first ending had me swooning, that kind of mood is unparalleled. I have played TSC, FSR and 25W so far and have vague memories of K7. I’m aware of the “everything’s connected” readings but that’s not my main interest in these games. For FSR-focused requests, I see Lospass as a real island but also a metaphysical place of transformation first and foremost, where strange things happen that don’t make sense elsewhere.

Group: Toriko Kusabi & Remy Fawzil: What’s Toriko up to when she’s not chasing Chris? I think it could be fun to throw her at Remy and see the island from their point of view!

Group: Tokio Morishima & Edo Macalister: since Tokio stayed at the Flower Sun and Rain... I’m interested in peculiar happenings on Lospass that are not centered on Sumio...

Group: Tetsugorou Kusabi/Sumio Kodai: Tetsu picked one hell of a crush, huh! What’s it like in the aftermath of the games, when Sumio is Like That? How does Tetsu grapple with Parade? Is Tetsu an anchor of sorts for Correctness Sumio, who seems (at best) to be existing on a slightly different plane of existence at any given time and could disappear if you blink too hard?

Group: Tetsugorou Kusabi & Shinko Kuroyanagi: I’m joining the “let these two be foulmouthed friends” masses - who’d be more fed up with the other’s nonsense, and in which ways would they be an unstoppable team?

Group: Shinkai Tsuki & Tetsugorou Kusabi: Both of them end their stories in the shadows one way or another, and defending their protégé may have had a hand in their misfortune one way or another. What kind of understanding could they reach? What IS Tsuki up to anyway?

Group: Christina & Catherine: anthro Catherine, as per the Placebo bonus chapter Yami, was unexpectedly charming. What was Chris before reaching Lospass, and did he also have a chat with her on the plane or on the island?

#letter

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howveryheather · 5 years

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good time (the 2010s + me)

10 years of Heather... YESSSSSSS.

I mulled over various drafts of what you’re going to read today.

There was a draft where I summed up everything, literally everything, that happened to me over the last 10 years. The more I read that draft, the more it felt increasingly like a diary entry that did not warrant publishing of any kind.

I had a draft where I was only going to recap the good things that happened to me. That read like I had the world’s worst blinders on.

I weebled, I wobbled, I tried to organize my thoughts using bullet points. None of it worked and all of it sounded like noise, even though I was technically going in order of the last 10 years. So, I’m just going to keep it simple and focus on the basics.

I went on two pivotal journeys in the last 10 years. The first is the start of my writing career and the second was repaying my student loans. Note that the latter half of that sentence is written in past tense. In 2019, after nine years in debt, I paid off all my loans in full!

I want to talk about the loan journey first because it had an expiration date, even though I did used to think I was gonna die with those loans. Rather than sound like a broken record rehashing the story of how I paid everything off again, I want to share two aspects of paying off student debt that nobody talks about online.

The first one is that once it happens, after your debt is paid in full, you’re not rich. You have a little more money every month, but you can’t go out and change your lifestyle radically. If anything, you have to remain in place a little bit longer and remain on a budget. There’s certainly irony in debt repayment. The debt is gone, but you are not exactly free yet. You have to recoup the losses.

The other aspect of student loans is how quickly you forget about it once it’s paid off. And I mean all of it — the emotions and experience associated with loan statements and making monthly payments. I spent years lying in bed unable to sleep at night stressed out about my loans. I never think about it now.

Paying off my debt alone was really difficult, but deep down I think I always knew that this was going to be my journey. My debt was not going to disappear, no matter how much I wished for a genie’s lamp or hoped a dead relative would throw me some bones in a will or I could magically find a spouse to marry who would assume the payments for me. I made a lot of lifestyle sacrifices to get out of debt. I prepared a few years in advance because I knew that what was ahead was going to be miserable. I remained disciplined, I treated my life with a Spartan mentality, and I crawled my way out under the 10-year deadline to freedom. Sometimes that’s what freedom looks like. It’s not a climb or a sprint to a finish line. It’s a crawl.

Onward to writing!

I was still in college at the start of 2010. Back then, I was an extremely green writer with few clips under my belt outside of an internship at the Ventura County Star and a column in The Echo (CLU’s newspaper). As a post graduate, every writing experience I have had has been a combination of good luck, timing, location, and the willingness to push myself and work hard.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to write in the entertainment space. I always loved reading the pop culture section of the USA Today and soaked up my subscriptions to Entertainment Weekly and Premiere Magazine like a sponge. I was determined to break into entertainment however I could, and I got in on the ground floor of BettyConfidential and HelloGiggles as a contributing writer in 2011.

The early 2010s was a short-lived timeline before most of the major media moguls began buying these sites out. I remember this time as one — and everyone who started during this time will say the exact same thing, trust me — where everyone really was each other’s friend in the media space. Content felt fresh. It was new. It was also really kind. There was a lot of room to share your story and experience and receive incredible, positive feedback from readers.

BettyConfidential... What a wonderful group! Was there anything better than waking up at 5 AM the morning after the Golden Globes to email over my best-dressed picks? (Sometimes emailed over the night before, I must admit.) I wrote my heart out in that LA Correspondent gig, covering fashion and celebrity news. It gave me so many opportunities to lead the kind of life most people who move to California never get the chance to have. I had the good fortune to go to red carpet events and awards ceremonies and gifting suites and sit in on movie sets and chat with celebrities (often in more candid spaces than is the norm) that I would never have had otherwise. Betty gave me a much-needed glimpse behind the camera of celebrity and the etiquette for how to be a reporter in this space. My experience at HelloGiggles differed from Betty in that it was much more social media driven. That was definitely the site where you earned your following and found your people in the Twitter space.

Collectively between Betty and HG, my favorite memories were...

1) The first time I went to New York City to cover Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week. I went to as many shows as I possibly could in Lincoln Center, took photos with my iPhone, stayed up writing and writing with my photos at the hotel afterwards, and did it all over again the next day for 3-4 days. I also packed very poorly for February 2012 weather. A trench coat and flats in 20 degree weather with snow... but I still looked good!

2) I went to an event celebrating L’Oreal’s 40th anniversary of their “Because I’m Worth It” tagline (an early foreshadowing of my future in writing in advertising). I wrote a nice article about the event, shared the story, and went about my merry way into the rest of my workload. A few weeks later, I received a gift in the mail from their team: a huge gift card to Saks Fifth Avenue! There has never been a Cinderella moment in my life quite like the way I spent this gift card. I went to the Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills and bought a beautiful designer day dress that I wore everywhere (and still have in my closet).

3) The first time I went to, and covered, the Pillsbury Bake-Off for HelloGiggles. (Look at all that foreshadowing!) The Pillsbury Bake-Off is such a delightful experience and not just because there’s a life-size Pillsbury Doughboy walking around either. The events are held in hotels with convention-sized rooms where one can fit 100 ovens. 100 finalists all bake at the same time and compete for a chance to win a million dollars with their recipe. Bake it like you mean it! I even had dinner one table away from Martha Stewart at the Orlando Bake-Off.

I tried not to decline any opportunities. I made everything work, as much as I could. As far as regrets go, the only event I turned down was an opportunity to go backstage and cover the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The logistics and timing were really off. There was absolutely no way I could have flown to New York in time for it... but I will always wonder what if!

In a post-Betty and HG world, which is where I was in 2014 when both gigs wrapped, I began pivoting toward a new vertical: advertising. My discussions with Advertising Week began in late 2014 and I started writing for the website in 2015. Initially, this was a situation where I filled in the gaps with whatever content I was asked to write. A lot of it had pop culture tie-ins with Mad Men. (Shout out to my brain for already being a fan of the series and intricately understanding the ins and outs of its characters that tied in with advertising’s heyday!)

The first major series of articles I worked on were sponsored by Adobe, so there was an increased expectation to go above and beyond in the manner I wrote, the amount of research conducted in each article, and understanding the audience. I was ready to meet the challenge and was met with high praise for this hard work. During this time, I also briefly worked in transcription for Flaunt Magazine. I transcribed interviews for one of their writers, which made me feel as though I came a little full circle yet again to entertainment.

In March 2015, I received the opportunity to go to Chicago to the Museum of Broadcast Communications. It was for an event called “A Salute to Advertising’s Greatest Icons” which honored 10 of the greatest brand mascots in advertising. My favorite character, the Pillsbury Doughboy, was one of the honorees. Even more exciting, the creator of the Doughboy Rudy Perz would be in attendance. I immediately asked AW if I could cover the event and they agreed. However, a great tragedy occurred days before the event. Rudy passed away. I was completely crushed. As a lifelong Doughboy fan, I realized I would never get the chance to tell him how much of an impact that character had in my life.

In the 24 hours I spent in Chicago, I got to tour the museum space, meet and spend time in the studio of JoBe Cerny (the voice behind the Doughboy’s giggle!), and attend the event and its dinner. Each menu course was inspired by the 10 brand mascots. It was so much fun! I promptly wrote up the article and gave it to my bosses.

This article sparked the beginning of how I have carved a name out for myself in advertising. Brand mascots. We started discussing how to create content about characters, which I jumped at the chance to write. Before long, I had written so many character-based articles that the content spilled over the website. It required its own platform, PopIcon, which officially launched in 2016.

The greatest joy of my writing career so far has undoubtedly been PopIcon. There is so much to cover that I have gone through stages in writing. The initial stages of introducing the character to the world, the stage of updating everyone on the character’s current events (these critters are more active than you think!), and the historical narrative behind the mascot. There is only so much information a PR person can provide you before you can’t work with a one-sheet condensed timeline anymore. You have to get out there and behave like a journalist, finding creatives to talk to and share their stories. My favorite thing is when someone tells me that they have nothing to say. Then, they launch into a narrative of what life behind the scenes was like animating Lefty from Hamburger Helper or recruiting a voiceover actor for an ad campaign. That’s a lot to say! There is no absolutely story that is too small. Every bit of it is history and it has a place to be shared.

I struggle to pick my favorite PopIcon piece. At any given point, every article I have written has been my favorite. They are all jewels in a crown to me, which is a unique way to view your writing. Really, it’s how I hope every writer views their body of work as it grows and progresses.

However, if you must read anything... try these pieces on for size!

Leo Burnett’s Oral History, As Told By 8 Former Creatives (Part One & Two)

Putting The “Kool” Back In Kool-Aid

How Seth Werner Turned A Cluster Of Grapes Into The California Raisins

Monsters! A Brief History Of The Monster Cereals Icons

Ken Stewart, Creator Of The Coca-Cola Polar Bears, Reflects On Their 25th Anniversary

AW has been responsible for sending me back to New York City. In 2017, I went to New York to attend my first #AWNewYork event. My articles ran in their print publication, I hosted a panel, and I appeared on NASDAQ’s Closing Bell ceremonies live on CNBC and HLN. In 2018, I did the same rounds plus an Icons Gala which I worked on at the same time I was paying off my student loans. The Icons Gala was a massive success and I am so proud of it because it was really tough work. And in 2019, I came back for another #AWNewYork event and celebrated with all my mascot buddies once again.

Outside of PopIcon, I have my hand stuck in a series of freelance honey pots. I always like to keep the wheel rotating, as a means of avoiding stagnation and growing my work. It never ceases to amaze me where the wheel naturally rotates next. I wrote for Brit + Co when I lived in Orange County in 2016. I had a few pieces run on The Drum. I wrote for Ed2010 for two years, which felt like a return to my roots because Ed was the reason I got in with BettyConfidential. I still write with Business Insider, Coin, and Fairygodboss, all outlets I’ve been with for a few years now (minus Coin which started in 2019). Weirdly enough, I was fact checked in an obituary this year in The New York Times.

“Dabble in something new” was my fortune I received from a fortune cookie in the spring of 2019. Good timing. What could I do next that felt new? Where could I start to grow?

I have had my eye on weddings for awhile now, in more ways than one. You can’t help but notice when everyone you know is getting married. You really can’t help it when you’ve been a bridesmaid three times. When I think of the last frontiers of verticals where pure joy exists, it all goes back to basic life rituals. Marriage is one seeped in love, history, and etiquette. I started writing with the aptly-named wedding app Joy a few months ago. Finally, I was able to break into modern wedding editorial.

That has been the last ten years of my writing career, in a nutshell. Upon writing this out, I realized just how lucky and fortunate I am that everything looks so neatly tied together. The gaps have been few and far in between. Regardless of what was going on in my personal life or when things were difficult, doors kept opening for me. And I did everything I could to walk in when it happened.

Doesn’t it look like the land of Oz over here sometimes? It has been 10 years. If you juggled this much writing on top of a full-time job, nonstop for a decade while aging from a twentysomething into your thirties, you would probably run into some issues keeping your self-sustained sausage factory running. It’s not a realistic story if the heroine isn’t facing growing pains.

I am not a perfect writer. I’m never going to act like the Heather cup of tea is for everyone to drink up because it’s not.

I have had countless nights where I have been up late writing, researching, or editing drafts. My interviews with creatives sometimes last for a few hours. I have procrastinated my workload until the last possible minute, leaving me frantically pinned against a wall pushing all the puzzle pieces around until they fit in the eleventh, in the twelfth, hour.

I’ve had my brain switch completely off into a “duhhhhhhhh” setting. In this setting, I shut myself in and watch reruns of TV shows I have already seen before. I have to mentally peace out from the world. This is because operating at eleven every single day takes a lot out of you.

I have been rejected by a few outlets. Totally happens. I have also been told I am overqualified on more than one occasion.

In 2019, I finally seized the opportunity to buy my domain, which was not previously available, and create a space for my work.

I’ve learned a lot about one other person in the last decade: myself.

I know exactly who I am. I’ve hit reset on my life multiple times over the last 10 years, switching jobs, cities, and freelance work. I can reinvent some of me, but I can never leave myself behind. Nor would I ever want to do that. I love myself. She is still a work in progress, but it is progress I will do anything for, even if it means crawling alone for years on end. I do it for her.

Everything is up to timing. In time, everything will be as it is supposed to. That time will be the right time.

If you are ever unsure of what to do next, look to the past for guidance. Everything I loved as a child is coming full circle into my life as an adult.

I think the greatest thing I can do, now and in the next decade, is to continually work at making the younger version of me happy with her adult self. If the 10-year-old version of you could see you now, what would she think? Would she be proud of the person you grew up to become? Certainly I think the younger version of me is probably a little upset I don’t read as many books as I did in my Scholastic book club days (I’m working on it!). But, I do think she would be pleased with the woman I am in 2019. The things I have already accomplished and feathers in my hat. My personality and work ethic. The dreams ahead of me and the goals I still have left to achieve.

While I have no idea where I will go in the next 10 years, I am excited to see everything that comes my way in 2020 and beyond. I will keep writing. I will keep working. And I will continue to keep not telling anyone what I’m doing until it happens. I have found life is a lot more fun when you whip out a good, unconventional “surprise!” on everyone that nobody saw coming.

Keep your pen at the ready. It’s gonna be a good time.

#personal #2010s

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oxboykev · 5 years

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Torrential

I thought when love for you died, I should die. It's dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on. ~ Rupert Brooke

It’s been a long-running inner debate since the time I was born. Abandonment will do that to a child. It’s been my sickening suspicion that my life has been a waste. This suspicion was probably implanted in me as soon as my birth parents scattered from my presence. The fact that I was left in the care of strangers who couldn’t quite get past the impression that I was a stranger in their midst was never lost on me. With my identity as an adoptee not yet fully realized or solidified so early in life, there were days when I felt unmoored. Not knowing what it truly felt to be loved by my own blood, I would wish only to be expelled from the love and care that had been handed down to me by those who tried to convince me they only had my best interests at heart.

The residual resentment of not knowing whether my father and mother loved me and wanted me with them has colored the way in which I distrust myself with the feeling and act of loving someone. I remain convinced that there is something wrong with the way I love and how I have sought love from others. Even allowing love for myself was never an expectation. Love is a thing that people always said they had for me but could neither show nor explain to me because how can you describe something that seems to be only pulled out of thin air at one’s own convenience. As a youngster I grew up with the nagging feeling that I was thrown in with a lot of people to live in a random place that I didn’t share a history with, but was coaxed each and every day to respect and appreciate by saying “I love you” whenever it was my turn to speak. Affection and companionship were thrown at my feet with the admonition to take them or leave them. I mirrored customs, expectations, and incentives to love, but what was missing was a genuine and clear-headed comprehension of what it means to love and what happens to your mind when you decide to show love and receive love. Absent any key discussions and explanations, my young mind could only play along and follow the unwritten rules when it came to familial bonding, early crushes, and soul-mating.

Because of my pretend existence and ignorance of my innate truths, I conducted myself like a laboratory technician whenever the atmosphere softened around me and I started to tingle all over when my eyes settled on a girl at school or in casual passing. In my head, I had all the flasks, tubes and chemicals available to concoct a love potion that I could sprinkle over the brow of the one who had caught my eye at the time. The sad, self-defeating thing was, though, my feelings, thoughts, words, and so much of my personality resided solely in my head. This self-imposed silence, masquerading as humility and reservedness, had the effect of extracting sympathy from a potential lover. I then used this sympathy to position myself as the man who could rescue them from pain that others had inflicted, from histories of spouse/partner abuse and from their own self-destructive habits. My ego always got a kick out of playing savior, exalted as it always was by any reciprocal affection. Selfish were these gambits, nay, habits of involving myself in a person’s life so as to ostensibly use them to help me remind myself that I am a good person, even though I feel myself drifting out of humanity’s fold as each year passes.

I’ve come to believe that the universe is so expansive that it’s no wonder I’ve felt so tiny inside of it all these years. I feel I’ve complicated the essentials of my life to the point that I cannot explain any facet of it to anyone else until I can explain it satisfactorily to myself. At times, I have been so ashamed of my reticence to openly communicate with people that I just throw up sheets of tarp over the windows into my soul to block out anyone’s prying curiosity. Consequently, I have developed a distaste for casual social interactions because I grow anxious at the thought of having to save others from the embarrassment of revealing unexplored chasms of my psyche that not even I have gotten around to navigating yet. So around 2004 I started blogging on Yahoo! GeoCities to start documenting my mind’s wanderings. Gradually, I switched to other blogging platforms once I heard about their improved ease-of-use features. Writing about my life didn’t come naturally to me. Diaries were never my thing and I only dabbled in journaling when I was contending with a prolonged bout of loneliness during my year of study abroad. In spite of the novelty of it, I found that blogging was the ideal medium for me to go at my own pace and provide as much detail as I pleased when it came to explaining what was preoccupying my mind at any given time. By around 2005 or 2006 I began blogging under the title “Borrowed Notes” on WordPress.

Shortly thereafter is when I came across another blogger, let’s call her “Ede”, who would stir in me a feeling of ureka. My experience reading her blog was ethereal, even magical, because I felt I had finally discovered someone else on this vast earth who processed ideas and life’s conundrums just as I did. Intellectually and emotionally I imbibed Ede’s words as if I were sitting right there beside her and watching her type on her keyboard, deep in thought. It was a true feeling of kinship that went beyond even family or shared humanity. I began to (mistakenly, as it were) create a romantic aura around her words and the images she posted of herself. She and I were both adopted from South Vietnam when the end of the War was still far from certain. It was this shared tumultuous past that initially garnered my attention and from which sprung a fondness for someone I didn’t even know existed up to that point.

It was phenomenal how Ede explored the psychology of the transracial adoptee mind and adapted her analyses to her own lived experiences as a young woman of color raised in a rural Southern town and all the travails and absurd ironies that this social construct entailed. Each time she published a new post, I constructed a kind of fairy tale in my head that told me Ede was dropping bread crumbs just for me to find in a thick, dark forest both of us wish we didn’t have to inhabit. I seemed to hear her telling me to handle them with care until we could be together as One and live on in an enlightened destiny.

If I recall correctly, after I asked her a question in the comment section of one of her blog posts, Ede emailed me and told me she’d be open to talking about it on the phone. It was one of many doors she created for me and through which I eagerly entered. I became more and more enamored with her voice and the worldview she so deftly elaborated on. What heightened my regard for Ede was her constant encouragement for me to keep on shining through my words and maintain a critical lens through which to view our stations in life. She told me that she thought of us as equals and we both deserve an audience that appreciates our willingness to subvert the nationalist narratives we were forced to cherish for so long. We seemed to be replenishing each other’s self-respect reserves and recognizing all the communal encouragement and psychological survival skills we had been lacking in both our lives that would have placed us on surer social footing. It was as if this meeting of hearts and minds was inevitable and singularly etched in the cosmos, and we were only continuing a conversation with each other that had spanned eons and lifetimes.

Ede became the trigger I pulled when I thought the time was right to kill off my 5-year-old marriage to a woman whom I knew from the start I shouldn’t have agreed to marry. The beginning of the end of my marriage was when Ede and I turned our hours-long phone conversations and pages-long instant messages into a transgressive, paranormal love connection. Soon enough, we sensed a growing sexual tension, starting with well-placed flirtatious innuendo and then deepening into riveting, torrid sex talk late into the night and then, more and more, streaming into the very early morning hours. I had dabbled in flirty erotic chatter before with exes, but it was never more than tongue-in-cheek missives that were more cute than perilously addictive. However, with these pornographic-infused telephonic encounters between Ede and me, we both wanted to up the ante on how hot and bothered we could get each other. We reveled in pushing each other’s sexual buttons in order to flood our libidos to their respective bursting point.

Suffice it to say, when I finally received the divorce decree in the mail, Ede and I soon made plans to meet in person. We eventually consummated our remote relationship in the summer of 2008. As soon as Ede picked me up at the airport and drove me to her apartment and I set down my duffel bag, she turned her head toward me to tell me something and I immediately planted a deep kiss on her lips, the type of kiss I wanted her to know I had desired to give her the first time I had felt entwined in her words. Over the course of a week, our repeated coital sessions plumbed the depths of our loins and climbed the peaks of our lust, aiming for what we had been missing all of our lives. If ever the phrase “We are One” meant anything to anyone, it was at this moment in time when we seemed to touch the epicenter of each of other’s souls.

Ede knew how this utopian coupling would end, though, long before I had even imagined it in my mushy brain. Months before we had even physically met, at my request, she mailed me two handwritten letters. This was because one of our conversations revolved around penpals and penmanship. I simply wanted an example of her handwriting, something palpable in this overwhelming digital space, something that harkened back to our younger years. In them, she presciently explained to me the ways in which we would separate and feel regret, and that I would stop thinking of her as someone I could spend my life with and instead end up thinking of her as someone I once knew way back when and under a much more jaded light. What I should have gleaned from her words was a realistic foreshadowing of where and how we were going to fall over the cliff that was awaiting us. It was a gentle warning that my heart could not heed.

The atrophy of the fantasy of “Us” began as soon as I returned home from my first trip to visit Ede and her two kids. I should’ve been well aware of how desperate it made me look trying to come up with a plan to fly her and her kids to Seattle so that they could settle down with me in my one-bedroom apartment. The logistics of a move clear across the country and the fact that she was still legally married to her estranged husband barely registered in my love-addled mind. Thinking back, though, love hardened into an obsession with me, and I became preoccupied with keeping Ede in my orbit so that we could continue to build our creative endeavors into a juggernaut of a partnership. We always talked about doing photography together, travelling together, writing together. As I recall, one of our flights of fancy that we enjoyed bringing up regularly was the dream of us settling down and living in Vietnam together; such an elegiac homage to our orphanhood, but also a fervent defense of our right to exist in the very nation that birthed us.

To feel so lovelorn and idealistic is nothing new for human beings anywhere and at any time. But, for me to keep on climbing mountain peaks without so much as a map, a sufficient amount of rope, and the barest minimum of oxygen, with the foolhardy belief that if I make it to the summit everything will turn out all right and life will be perfect, it is surely a testament, at least in this respect, to what an idiot I became and what an irresponsible savior mentality I carried around with me, like a captain’s cutlass. It’s like I cultivated the traits of an all-around good guy who, on the surface, values common sense, practices deep respect and cherishes intellectual rigor but also embodied the “nice guy” persona so well that I was ultimately blind to the devilish impulses that only served to satisfy my childish self-interest. This dual pantomime ended up blowing up in my face and leaving me to confront an existential crisis that I can only wish will never recur in my waking life.

Meanwhile, Ede was struggling mightily against an inevitable total disruption of her and her kids’ living situation because of her estranged husband’s almost weekly threats to cut off all financial lifelines to her unless she agreed to move to the Middle Eastern country he had moved to with their other two kids a couple of years ago. In a show of solidarity and to insert a level of normalcy in an untenable situation, I returned to visit with her and her two kids during the Thanksgiving holiday and to celebrate my birthday in early December with them. Coincidentally, my parents were a couple of hours away, where my father was receiving experimental treatment for the cancer he was to succumb to just a few years later. They wished to visit us, since my parents only got to see me once each year. I never divulged to them the real reason I was there visiting this woman and her kids, let alone why this virtual single mother had allowed a recently-divorced man to share a bed with her in her household. I knew it would have just been one more fact of my life that didn’t make sense to them.

Both as a way to stay involved in Ede’s life and to stay on the impossible path of co-habitation with her, I avidly applied for jobs in the urban area she lived in when I returned to Seattle. But it was too little too late. Her “S.O.” — significant other — (as she always mockingly referred to him) refused to pay the rent for the apartment where she and the other two kids had been holed up for the last few years, due to the fact that her S.O. had discontinued paying the mortgage for the house they had previously lived in because he had secured a job outside the United States and planned to move his entire family there. Knowing full well that such a move to that miniscule Middle Eastern nation offered only a life of a covered and sullen housewife without the benefit of any emotional or material support, Ede entrenched herself in the two-bedroom apartment refusing to join her S.O., even though it deeply pained her not to be with her other two sons who had decided to live with their father. Knowing full well these difficult circumstances surrounding her and the choices she was being forced to make, I should have backed away for both of our sakes, even though I wanted to promise her the world. I really should have understood from the get-go that the lifestyle I wanted to create for both of us would have been just another excuse for her not to evolve into herself and to not fully take control of her own life. I ultimately should have realized that Ede was going to make me pay for my well-meaning hubris because she warned me countless times of the end result.

After the axe came down on her homestead, in disgust, she packed up everything in a U-Haul van and in her personal vehicle and grudgingly moved in with her father and stepmother in the rural Southern town she grew up in. That treacherous upheaval must have sliced her already thinning spirit into a million crosscuts that bled out at different volumes and rates.

Out of guilt for not being there to help Ede and her kids pack and move and, admittedly, out of a selfish concern with whether or not I still factored into her life after such a traumatic rift in her living situation, I continued to act as if our communication routines were consistent and intentional. Due to my overblown confidence in who I thought I was to her and that I actually figured into her future plans, I promised Ede that I would start searching for jobs in the region she had relocated to. I promised her that as soon as I established myself there, then she and her kids could move in with me to get away from the toxic situation that had exponentially increased between her and her father. I promised her that once I could nail down those particulars then we could finally pursue the life we’ve always wanted for us. Promise, after promise, after promise. And what did Ede always tell me about “promises,” especially when they fell from the mouths of the men who insinuated themselves in her life?

While my lack of humility proudly blinded me to what was really going on, I continued to live life in denial and boldly envisioned a smooth transition for myself from the moist and overcast Pacific Northwest to the hot and dusty environs of a Southern town I couldn’t even fathom. I wasn’t just taking one shot in the dark; I was taking more than I could ever handle, and never really noticed that I was shooting into my own reflection. In the meantime, our correspondence became more infrequent, condensed, and increasingly strained. Ede had promptly secured a job at a local retailer, which ostensibly got herself out of the house and away from the manufactured chaos caused by her father and her siblings who had plenty of their own unique issues. Our phone conversations would trail off into cold zones and I would plaintively listen to her sigh in resignation as if she were desperately signaling to me to quit putting any more time in our relationship. I had the distinct feeling that any good thought or memory of me, prior to her forced relocation, was slipping through her fingers, so I made the rash decision in my head to fly down and visit with her again. As I put out that suggestion, Ede told me she wouldn’t be opposed to it and that she couldn’t stop me even if she tried. Her less than enthusiastic response to my proposal and our continuing flummoxed interpersonal communications should’ve finally tipped me off that not only did the dynamic between us radically change, but that I had fell into the well-worn rut of hearing without really listening and allowing my interpretation of reality to overlap hers.

The mock execution my paramour had planned for me took place at an IHOP about an hour before midnight in the middle of the first full week I was to stay there. And I should have seen it coming from a thousand miles away as soon as I had landed at that hulk of an airport, picked up the rental car and drove to the motel in the tiny town near where she lived. The two of us first re-connected at a small diner, and she brought along her two kids and a “friend” whom she had increasingly mentioned in our phone conversations leading up to my visit. (Yet another sign I chose to ignore.) I can’t recall his name, but I remember him as a tall, portly guy with long bouncy, curly hair and a bushy goatee and he wore thin wire-frame glasses that seemed to soften his features. I immediately sensed that the connective tissue which had once held the two of us so closely together had been hacked at and was hanging by only the thinnest of sinews. Sitting diagonally across from me in the booth, I remember Ede’s eyes betrayed both surly contempt and pure pity for me. I recognized the look she was giving me, but I hoped against hope that it was not real and that we could share some time together after being away from each other for several months and everything that had come to pass. However, her blatant displays of affection toward her friend confused me and warded me off from initiating any form of meaningful contact. From her friend’s reactions and the looks he slyly gave me, he was enjoying her attention and playing along with her but also seemed to take pity on me because of what her actions were intent on doing. It was as if she had told him all about our history and that she, instead, wanted a future with him.

Skip to that fateful meeting at the IHOP later in the week, and I was anticipating having a real sit-down discussion between her and me in order to come to a heartfelt understanding of where our relationship was headed and whether either one of us wanted to continue gliding on the path we had established. I was expecting just the two of us so we could really talk things out and listen to each other. And, to be completely honest, I still held onto the fantasy that we would eventually end up in my motel room to make love like we had done so ravenously in the past. I arrived at the well-lit restaurant to find not just her sitting in the booth, but also her co-workers, one of whom was the same large, burly “friend.” I was immediately placed on the spot. I had nowhere to hide from the terse questioning about the true reasons I came to this small Southern town and the grave feeling that I had failed to recognize I was being set up for emotional evisceration, in public no less.

At last, Ede placed the proverbial gun to my head and pulled the trigger by accusing me of being undeniably selfish in wanting to stay in a relationship with her and only wanting “to fuck” her while I had the freedom to go out galavanting around town, oblivious to the hard-scrabble reality she had to confront each and every day and the tsunami of hurt that had washed her back into the hometown she had escaped from so long ago. Even though the salty iron of her bullets were winding their way in slow motion into my bloodstream and down through my nerve endings, agonizingly hollowing out any shred of ego I desperately wanted to cling to, it became abundantly clear to me that she estimated me to have become just another man in her life who subconsciously thought he could wave a paternalistic wand over her head, whisk her away from all her troubles and softly set her down in a life devoid of any pain, while simultaneously wiping away any semblance of vice from her past. Ede shot another round into my head by telling me that she and her “friend” were hooking up and she was glad she didn’t have to hide it from me anymore.

Feeling sick to my stomach and slightly faint, I quickly slid myself out of the booth and eeked out the phrase, “Because I love you,” in response to her questioning my motives for visiting her that past Thanksgiving. At that exact moment, it was difficult for me to comprehend what had transpired because my inner voice was incessantly muttering to me in my echo chamber that I’m done as a human being. I bee-lined it back to my motel room, determined to get online and reserve the earliest flight back to my empty apartment in Seattle. I had resolved to disappear into a world of pain that I had, once again, created for myself. The next day, though, after finishing up my breakfast sandwich at the nearby McDonalds, one of the workers commented on the Metallica sticker on the lid of my laptop, and we commenced with some brief friendly banter about the band and their music. Never would I admit it, but that conversation with a complete stranger made such an impact on how I was viewing the world at the time that I decided to stay a few more days. When would I ever get to visit this part of the country again, I asked myself. If I were going to join a subset of the Walking Wounded, so eviscerated I felt at the time, then I would just make myself tinier than a tadpole for the rest of my trip and push on.

This past April marked the 10th anniversary of my fateful trip and bizarre resolution of my intense relationship with Ede. I’m still alive and she is still alive. There are times when I still don’t know what to make of those events or how to shape them inside my head when they materialize in my memory and play themselves back. During the period when so many jittery love cues were passing between us at such a break-neck speed, and the decision to leave my wife was building to a crescendo inside of me, Ede shared a music video called “Run” by Snow Patrol with me. Like so many significant communications she sent, this song contained a multitude of surreptitious messages that underscored her feelings toward me and what she thought she needed to impart to me to not only understand her, but also myself. In other words, “Run” was meant to help me sort out the difficult decision to either run from my marriage, or run into the arms of Ede, or just run toward whatever else was waiting for me on the edge of nowhere while I had the chance. I think she wanted to guide me around all of the constraints I believed were holding me back from realizing all my true selves that were in need of being expressed with all my vigor, all my talent and all my self-worth. Instead, I turned my love for Ede into a thing to set on top of a pedestal and admire. I mistook love for a reciprocal assurance that if I embrace it, then it will embrace me back.

Ten years on, and at the beginning stages of middle age, I am at a unique vantage point where I’m developing the talent to see in many directions and dimensions. In many ways I’ve changed, but in some very primal respects I haven’t. I have learned, though, to keep those raw aspects of me from worming their way into my practical day-to-day while honing the more mature and wisened parts so that they can better express themselves in my life. Love has a role in my life, but it has no hold on how I live my life. It sings its many tunes and pitter-patters in the backwood transoms of my mind. However, I’ve learned now that love is not there for me to have or to seek. It’ll be there no matter where I am.

#adoption #adoptee #love #loving #relationships #learning #teaching

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daryljdugdale · 5 years

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3 IS MY MAGIC NUMBER

When hip hop band De la soul released their seminal song Magic Number in 1989, they stated with pride their beliefs, values, love of hip hop and a desire to challenge poverty and social injustice. For them, the three of them, 3 was the magic number. This weekend 3 is my magic number too. I can put that song on full blast, walk around the house singing at the top of my voice with my headphones in (visualize a silent disco with just one guy cos everyone else went home days ago, presenting like he not only loves the song but is about to explode with an earth shattering sense of gratitude, in addition to appearing like some one well on the road to some form of psychosis). So why is three my magic number this weekend. First yesterday September 6th I had my third chemo/immunotherapy infusion after two false starts. As you can imagine that in itself is a great relief and our life which has felt at times over the last two weeks suspended, can release itself from its inertia. The second and much more meaningful reason is today is the third anniversary of my diagnosis. As a lot of you will know at that meeting on that day three years ago I asked the question that not everyone wants to ask. Whilst I totally respect anyone’s reasons for what ever decision they make I had an obligation to ask, how on earth could I plan without a timeframe to plan with? The nurse very calmly and clearly said in a gentle voice , “in most normal cases it’s 8-10 months”. Well cancer, just so you know, I’m neither normal nor just a case, and so today I’m claiming a second birthday every year. Yes I’ve decided in these days of political demagogy I too can make up special occasions and just like the queen I’m going to have two birthdays. Another seminal track from De la soul is “ me myself and I” but this journey has never been just about me, I want to thank everyone who has touched our lives positively over the last three years. Even the smallest thing will have impacted on us. These experiences have included random strangers whose lives have brushed against us for a matter of seconds, alongside new friends best friends and of course family. Whilst I wouldn’t be able to name everyone as the list would literally be hundreds if not four figures. I will mention one or two or three !! As 3 is my magic number. First of course is my wife and beautiful children without whom my life would mean little. All three give me happiness and contentment, along with the odd worry and concern, and provide a narrative and context to which I have thrived and continue to thrive in. Second my wonderful mum and dad brother and sister, sister in law spouses and respective offspring. Words can’t describe how wonderful you all are and proves how blood is thicker than water. ( I make no apologies for this sounding like an Oscar speech, I’ve always wanted to do one and as today I’m a demigod I can. ) Thirdly all those friends new and old who willingly and regularly in what ever form contact us to ask how we’re doing. This sounds a very simple thing but when you have a diagnosis there is no such thing as simplicity. I know to approach some one with a diagnosis feels uncomfortable, for some scary and for others a wave of paralysis overcomes them. I know this because prior to my own diagnosis this is how I behaved with friends who had been diagnosed. We can all over come this by being sensitive, caring, inquiring and giving love. I personally give permission and consent to everyone who knows me, and those who don’t, to feel empowered to ask any question at any time of me about my cancer journey. In order to support you I offer three pieces of advice. There are three things I would suggest in my demigod polemic, first there are no right or wrong words to use (clearly there are but that is stating the obvious, the key thing is not to get anxietied out), two never over promise and thus under deliver. Three get use to enjoying rubbing sanitizer on your hands at regular intervals. I will end this post reflecting on the most amazing three years we’ve had and long may it continue 3 more yes?

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meetcutemubarak-blog · 6 years

Audio

Episode 1 - Introduction

In this episode, you get to meet your host - who doesn’t trip over her tongue once! - and hear about how and why this podcast came to be.

Next week’s topic: Why Do You Want to Get Married Anyway? I am seeking stories and guests, particularly any sort of religiously involved chaplain or counselor who might want to share statistics and actual facts on young people and marriage. Is that you? Contact me!

There is now a call-in number for the podcast! Call 516-962-4886 with your thoughts, contributions and questions and you may end up in the next episode! Submissions may also be sent to the e-mail or through the Tumblr ask box.

Please keep reading for the full episode transcript.

Transcript:

Hi! As-salaamu alaikum! Welcome! Guys, I am actually doing this. Welcome to the inaugural episode of Meet Cute Mubarak, the podcast where we’re going to be talking about marriage, young Muslims and everything in between. I’m your host, Karuna Riazi.

Before I get any further, I thought it would be a good idea to talk about this podcast, what I’m going to cover on it, and why I started it to begin with - the mission statement, so to speak.

So. I’m a single, never married, no, that’s not an engagement ring on my finger Muslim girl. That wasn’t so much of a problem but now that I’ve graduated and hit my mid-twenties, it’s become a constant conversation starter with the aunties of my family. And my community.

If you’re not a person of color in general, you might not be familiar with the concept of aunties - and no, I’m not talking about your dad’s sister or your mom’s sister or anyone related to you by marriage who actually carries that title, though they might also fall under the umbrella of being an auntie. Aunties are pretty much any woman in your community who is older than you and deserves the respect you would give your mom or your actually related aunts.

It’s kind of like feeling that you shouldn’t just say their name straight out, because they are older than you. They’ve ‘seen more of the world’. So, they are an auntie.

In the past, I’ve confused a lot of people who may not be familiar with the word ‘auntie’ by saying, “Auntie told me this” or “Auntie told me that.” Because yes, I do have a lot of aunts who are actually related to me, but I also have aunties who are long-time family friends or good friends of my mom or the mom of one of my own friends. So I just wanted to clear that up right out of the gate.

And honestly, aunties are not bad. Most of the time, even though I seem to spend a lot of time complaining about them, I would actually fight you to protect them. It’s sort of like that, “You’re my family,” so I can say bad things about them but don’t you dare say it - sort of situation.

The aunties I’m talking about, though, in particular for this podcast are known within South Asian - Desi - communities as rishta aunties. Rishta aunties always have marriage on their minds, especially when they see you: an unsuspecting run of the mill single with no ring on your finger and no man or woman or partner or spouse in your life. They see that, immediately, as a problem, and they will tell you constantly how much they see it as a problem.

And I think that’s what makes us tend to dislike rishta aunties' presence, because they never want to clutch their pearls in the distance or in a corner somewhere, and, you know, kind of silently eye you and shame you from there - as to why you are so single and why are you so happy being so single. They have to come up in your face, make you realize how wrong you are and how you shouldn't be comfortable being single, and they will just continue harping on it.

It's like constantly being around Mrs. Bennet from Pride and Prejudice. Like, always having that fit of the vapors because her daughters are unmarried and she can't stand it. It's like that but from a ton of different people, some of whom are related to you and some that aren't but because they are part of your community and because they are an auntie, they have the right to tell you that you should not be comfortable being single.

Anyway, this is part of why I talk about marriage a lot recently - because of so many aunties reminding me that, also in Austen fashion, since I have a degree and a career as a published children's book author now (a.k.a. some degree of success in spite of my lack of interest in attending medical school, eccentric woman that I am) a good man should follow.

I also talk about it because now that I'm at THAT AGE, the topic actually really fascinates me. I mean - and this is on a personal note, but then again, guys, you should get used to a lot of personal notes because I'm all about sharing anecdotes and I don't think that's going to change at all on this podcast - I've always wanted to get married since I was sixteen. This will probably have some people pearl-clutching over just saying that alone, but at that time, I really thought I was ready for it.

Nowadays, though, when the idea of having a significant other is both appealing but not, if that makes any sense, I'm all like, "You were a total baby. Thank God your parents didn't go for that. Like, it's such a good thing you did not get married when you were sixteen years old!"

But I still want to unpack that desire. Why did I want to get married at that age? What were my expectations of marriage? How did those expectations change as I grew older? Why do I still want to get married now? What are my expectations or standards or beliefs about marriage as an institution, within Islam, as a Muslim girl? How do other young Muslims feel about the same topics? Do they have ways in which they differ, they disagree?

Do they have different points I've never considered?

When do they want to get married? Do they want to get married at all? Or, do they care about relationships in general as it is?

How do all of these beliefs and customs that we have mesh with our being millennials and focusing on our careers and being American Muslims in the 21st century? These are all questions I've been throwing around in my head while working on this podcast.

Another thing you're going to get used to pretty quickly: how much I overthink everything, and how many questions I can generate from a single thought in my mind within a matter of seconds. It comes from being an English major, I'm pretty sure.

So anyway, all these questions I had about marriage and dating felt like something timely and relevant, particularly because I was having conversations with friends who were having similar thoughts or concerns or worries. One of the things that raising myself on the Internet has taught me pretty quickly: you are never as alone as you feel. Rishta aunties are pretty good at making you feel like you are the only single person in the world but that's not true, at all.

I remember being called an old maid by one of my Qu'ran teachers at twenty, and that blows my mind. An old maid. Twenty years old. I was not even properly into college at that point.

You probably understand all my Jane Austen references now and how much to heart I take them.

But the thing is, I wasn't the only single in the world back then. I definitely wasn't the only single in my friend circle back then, as much as that Qu'ran teacher might have tried to make me feel otherwise, and I'm not the only one struggling through and figuring out this brave new world and all the apps and mixers and singles' nights and biodata.

[Sighs] Biodata. We're going to have a whole episode on that, guys, so get ready.

Anyway, if you're listening and you've felt alone and frustrated and all your friends are plastering pictures of their date nights or their engagement rings or their nikkahs (wedding ceremonies) and their walimahs (receptions) all over Facebook and Instagram, you are totally not alone. I am here for you. Let's sit here together and be happy and single.

For now, because I know my mom's going to be listening to this podcast, and I'm sure she doesn't want that to be the eternal state of affairs for me.

Anyway, that's the whole story behind this podcast. I felt that these were conversations that we needed to continue having and feel empowered by being able to have them. I feel like millennial Muslims in particular may have had conflicting messages on what we can discuss in the public eye, due to worries about how some of what we need to discuss could be taken and misconstrued in the media or the weight of supposedly representing every single Muslim around the world.

Let's set one thing straight: I've never felt it's fair to assume we need to represent every Muslim and their belief and their custom and their standards around the world, or the fact that we need to, you know, silence ourselves and not reclaim our narrative out of fears about how it's going to look if we talk this out that needs to be talked about. We need to be able to reclaim this narrative and, for our own sakes, we need to improve our community by being able to have these tough discussions that aren't easy to talk about or be honest about.

And by the way, since other friends have expressed interest, I am in no ways barring this podcast to discussions of marriage, dating and relationships in general cross-culturally. I do want this to be the podcast that anyone can feel they can settle down to with a cup of chai and a cake rusk, auntie style, and not feel like you're unwelcome or imposing on someone else's conversation.

I'm just telling you right now that this is from my perspective and I feel like it is going to prioritize a perspective that you don't always find, you know, podcasts or discussions about. Like, if you Google or look up on your podcast app right now, podcasts about Tinder or Go - like, I don't know any of the other names besides Tinder, I think OkCupid is another one, but you can find podcasts with people talking about their bad date experiences and you can't really find a podcast talking about the Muslim experience, the Muslim apps, the Muslim arrangements - what it's like to be married or dating and being a Muslim.

It's not going to be right all the time, this podcast. I'm prepared to have my mind blown. I'm prepared to admit I'm wrong. It's not very hard to do, by the way: blow my mind, because I'm constantly amazed at everything there is to learn in this world. But, what I'm saying is that it's definitely going to be heavy on the discussions of being young and Muslim and being able to have those discussions with others who are technically from the same background and also technically not at the same time.

Okay, so, that's how Meet Cute Mubarak came about, in a nutshell. Well, not a really small nutshell, because I feel like I've talked a lot now. But I'm really excited to be able to present this to you guys and I hope you're excited, too. I'm so grateful for all the anticipation I've seen online on social media, from friends already proposing topics and kind of being ready and willing to brainstorm stuff with me, which I so appreciate.

I've heard some pretty great topics and it's really encouraging me because I was worried I might have chosen a topic that was too specific and might run dry really quickly. It turns out everyone has a funny story or a horror story or a happily ever after story when it comes to talking about relationships. Who'd have thought?

Now, I've already said this, but even if there's technically one host for this podcast, I don't want to be the only voice talking. I want this to be one hundred percent inclusive and reflective of the diversity of our experiences, our cultures, our identities, our ethnic backgrounds. I want you to feel one hundred percent welcome to be part of this, especially if you have more than one intersection of marginalization within our already marginalized faith.

I want you to feel very comfortable about sharing your thoughts with me, whether that's sending me something to read on air on your behalf or coming on and having a conversation with me about whatever topic you feel you have something to share. I love personal stories, I love going, "Oh my gosh, that's totally happened to me, too."

So come and sit with me on the couch and spill the tea because I'm totally ready for it: the good stuff and the hard stuff. I'm telling you right now, if you don't already know me before, that I'm biracial and I come from an interfaith family background - there's my first little tongue slip of the episode, and there will probably be many more in the future. I come from an interfaith family background. I have family members who are Christian, and I have family members who are Muslim. There's going to be a lot of straight talk about racism and colorism, for instance.

We're going to get all this stuff hashed out. I know this will upset some aunties. I was told recently - and I'll probably get into depth on this in a later episode - that I should stop advertising the fact that I'm half-Black for the sake of my marriage prospects.

I know.

But you know what? I'm going to keep talking about it, so keep your pearls on hand to clutch.

You can be anonymous and you can share as little or as much as you like. I've had a pseudonym for most of my life online. I do not mind at all. Tell me what I need to call you. We'll totally be good. You do not need any prerequisites or any prior credits for this, either. I'll be just as happy sharing your coffee shop meet cute - and please, someone share your coffee shop meet cute because I need to know they can actually happen to people like me - if you've never been on a podcast before, just as much as I would be happy to share an NPR featured, previously published friend's story about their arranged marriage.

I'm going to say one more time: there are no prerequisites. I do not need to see credits. If you have a good story, I have the stage. Come up here and let's go. Bring yourself and your love of a good gossiping session and your heart and I will be totally happy to have you on this podcast.

So, I'm just going to go ahead and share the topics for the first three episodes now so you can get yourself geared up and ready. Our very first topic - are you ready? - is Why Do You Want to Get Married Anyway? As I said already, this is a topic I've thought about a lot recently and over the past few years, particularly as it is brought up as something I need to do right now or consider doing within the immediate future. Islamically, we're supposed to be considering marriage as completing a very fundamental part of our faith and I want to discuss that, too: your responses to that, how that makes you feel about it...but I want to hear your reasons for wanting to get married beyond the Islamic reasons. Is it for the sake of romantic expectations? Is it because of family pressure, parental pressure, auntie pressure?

Are you tired of having the bed to yourself?

Okay, so that's our first topic. Our second topic is pretty much the inverse of that first topic, because I feel we need to talk about that as well. That is also really important to discuss: Why Do You NOT Want To Get Married, and why is it equally important to have that option? What has the reception been culturally and community-wise to that decision?

And lastly, for now at least, our third episode is going to be on standards: what do you look for in a partner? What are your expectations when it comes to a relationship?

I have lots more up my sleeve but I thought it'd be good to stop there. I don't want it to be too overwhelming. But I want to let you know you can always e-mail me or reach out anywhere that you know to reach out to me on, if you'd like to hear any of the other topics and prepare yourself to be ready and share something. I also would love it if you come up with topics of your own or you think that you haven't heard anyone talk about or you haven't heard me mention it as a topic, and it's something you'd like to share your knowledge on. Please do reach out. I will totally love you for doing that. I will totally be happy to have a conversation on that and give you that space where either we can have that conversation together or I sit back and let you talk about it on your own terms.

I don't want to talk over anyone, especially on experiences I've never had myself.

We're also going to be having mini episodes. I'd love to be able to give people the opportunity to record and send in their success stories, or their failure stories, or their hilarious bad date stories. Whatever you'd really like to share and, you know, have a storytime for, I'm really excited for those as well. You can totally start sending in those stories now and I will provide information shortly on how to get those to me.

Two quick disclaimers that I planned to work in earlier: since my best friend's been joking about it a lot, I did not start this podcast with the intention of finding a husband through it. I'm actively looking but this is not a way I intended to look. I know aunties love to gossip about stuff like this - "She totally started that because she's just looking for a man herself!" - and to be honest, part of me is like, "Gosh, that would be an amazing story to be able to share on the podcast," but...no.

I'm here because, as you can probably tell by now, I like talking about stuff and hearing other people's thoughts on stuff, and that's pretty much all the reward for me.

On the same tangent, I'm not here to be sent biodata, whether that's biodata meant for my eyes or biodata meant to be distributed to potential listeners - God, I really hope people listen to this - or biodata in general, to critique it. Aunties and uncles and friends, I will not know what to do with it. I don't even know what to do with my biodata in general. This, as my dear cousin will tell you, is why I'm still single. She, on the other hand, is not. That is the power of biodata, apparently, or so I am told. We'll have to discuss that more on the actual episode about biodata and you can tell me whether or not that is true.

But at the same time: if you happen to be a guy or know a guy who loves Studio Ghibli, reading, coffee shops, video games, long walks on the beach, intersectional feminism and has a good sense of humor - that may be my only exception to the no biodata, no husband searching through this podcast rule. I'm kidding. Mostly.

Anyway, jokes aside, if you have something good to share with me or would like to be a guest, the e-mail is [email protected]. I kept it easy for you guys. Be sure to let me know what topic you would like to speak on, or if there's a topic you have in mind for either a future episode or a mini episode, and we'll go from there. There's also a Tumblr - meetcutemubarak.tumblr.com - and I've enabled the Ask box, so you can have the option of sending in an anonymous ask through there if you're not quite comfortable yet with me knowing your name. I will totally not take it personally.

I was also considering a Facebook group, even though I'm not a fan of Facebook, just for the sake of quick connections and seeing questions right away. If you'd like to see that, please get in touch. I'm looking forward to feedback. Please let me know what you think about everything I've discussed so far. Let me know if there's something you'd want to see happen. I'd like to know right away.

I appreciate any stories or suggestions you have to offer. I appreciate and love you, dear listener, for indulging me in this new venture and being excited for me and having faith in me to do this right and not trip on my tongue every few minutes. We've only had one incident this episode. Let's make it zero next time. I really think this is going to be fun, this is going to be good, and I'm happy you are here to share this experience with me.

Okay, that's it for our very first episode. I made it through to the end! Thank you again and please be sure to subscribe and stay tuned for future episodes. Meet Cute Mubarak is going to be released every other Friday for now - it's a little Jumuah Mubarak present and weekend treat for you - so just keep an eye on your calendars and I'll let you know if that changes in the future.

I'm also hoping to set up a Patreon in the future for this podcast because that would also be nice, to be able to offer rewards and have some encouragement that people are going to be listening to this. Anyway, Allah hafez (may God protect you on your way) and I'll see you on our next week. Thank you so much for listening and I hope you have a beautiful day and all the romantic thoughts you want to have, or don't want to have, and that the rishta aunties leave you alone in peace.

#meet cute mubarak #episode one #episode #transcript #introduction #marriage #dating #relationship #islam #muslim #millennials

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sophygurl · 6 years

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WisCon 42 panel Female Friendship

Female Friendships in Our Stories panel description:

Women are often portrayed as competitive and territorial in media. In science fiction, this can be even stronger as the Smurfette principle often rules, and many of the women characters fill the "not like other girls" trope. It's rare to see genuine female friendships flourish in our stories. For many of us, the "mean girl" trope does not reflect the reality that we live in, and we're hungry for better depictions of our lived experiences. More stories are digging deeper into what female friendships can and do look like, however. Shows like Big Little Lies, Grace and Frankie, and Insecure; as well as female-led movies such as the new Ghostbusters and the Pitch Perfect series are some examples. Few of these are SFF-related though - we need more!

Moderator was Naomi Kritzer, with panelists Karin Gastreich, Crystal Huff, Lauren Jankowski, KJ, and Clarissa C. S. Ryan

Reminder that these panel notes are only my own recollections and the things I managed to write down - my notes are incomplete and likely faulty in places. Corrections and additions are always welcome. Especially please do correct me if I get names or pronouns wrong!

Also I name panelists as that’s publicly available information but not audience members unless requested by that person to have their named added.

[For context - I’ve been proposing a panel like this for years (due in large part to conversations with @prozacpark who sadly was not at-con this year) and was so excited to finally see it happen! It did not disappoint. It gave me ALLLLLL of the feelings and I plan to make some additional posts on the subject once I finish my panel write-ups. This will mostly just be about the panel itself, although knowing me I’ll add in the occasional aside. Also I’m really glad I got to this panel early enough to get a good seat up front because it filled up quickly and became standing room only with people sitting on the floor all over the place. Obviously a topic we WisCon-goers find close to our hearts.]

I neglected to get info down about the panelists introductions - sorry! I did jot down that Clarissa said she occasionally remembers to write male characters because it made me laugh. All of the panelists, I believe, are writers, so do look up their work if you want to find more female friendship rep in your reading!

Naomi started things off asking about the panelists’s fictional favorite female friendships and why they found them interesting. Her example was Anne of Green Gables - Anne and Diana. She liked that Anne comes into the friendship so needy and that Diana just accepts her as-is.

Lauren said Lost Girl’s Bo and Kenzi (YES) and that even tho Bo is attracted to women, she never sexualized Kenzi. (I especially love this in the context that Bo is a succubus and many of her relationships have a sexual component but she never turns that on Kenzi because Kenzi isn’t into that and it’s just inherently accepted between them that they are strictly platonic but deeply entwined friends - haaa see, I told you I’d have asides)

Crystal talked about Cold Magic by Kate Elliot. Crystal said she is unsure if the characters would choose their friendship over their new spouses in the end and has questions about the heteronormativity of that but overall loved the female friendships in the series.

Clarissa is a big fan of the Ghostbusters reboot. She doesn’t ship any of the women together, and finds that puts her on the outside of a lot of the fandom.

KJ reiterated Cold Magic and said that it is about cousins who are raised as sisters but who choose to be friends and the powerfulness of that choice. She also likes Kira and Dax from DS9.

Karin said she had a hard time finding examples from within SFF. She really likes the sister friendship in the Little House books, as well as Simple Magic, the Witches of Eastwick book (not the movie), and The Other Boleyn Girl (book).

Crystal talked about Alyc Holmes’s Dragons of Heaven and the transgressive ways it shows female friendship.

Naomi brought up the issues of shippiness and the line between friendship and romantic relationships and pushback within fandom.

Lauren talked about a personal story she had of a messy end of a friendship because she was told that adoption is pseudo-family as a defense of shipping adopted siblings. As an adoptee, this was very hurtful. She talked about her frustration with shippers who ship romantically and refuse to acknowledge the importance of friendship. The valuing of romance over friendship and friendship not being valid in and of itself. “Friendship is enough.” [I was kind of obnoxiously cheering this on because this is a huge issue for me. This might be the point at which I made some comment about there not being any way to dissuade shippers once they settle on a ship. For the record - I’m a huge shipper myself, I just happen to ALSO ship platonic and familial relationships and get super frustrated at fandom’s seeming inability to look at relationships in any other way than romantic.]

Crystal also talked about the extent that people will go to in order to ship something. She added “I know that my life isn’t mostly centered on getting people into bed.”

Clarissa added - why not both? She does want more queer female romances and finds herself sometimes going “oh they glanced at one another ... oooooh”. But friendship is so devalued and friendship breakups hurt!

Karin asked if making the friends sisters made the pressure to ship less - I mostly cackled from the audience, because no.

Naomi steered the conversation toward the topic of sisterhood - both literal and figurative. Also about friendship breakups. There is the classic romance plot of the couple breaking up and coming back together - do we find that in friendship narratives?

Clarissa said that Ghostbusters had an example of that at the start.

KJ said Buffy and Willow do this a couple of times.

Naomi said she often finds this in middle grade YA because this reflects reality at that age. Then asked about friendship tropes - for example she really loved the idea of blood sisterhood. She grew up in the 80′s when the idea of sharing blood = death and how doing that showed such a deep level of trust.

Crystal said it’s hard to come up with female friendship tropes because of how rare examples of female friendship are. Tropes are the things we see so much of they become ingrained.

Naomi asked - then what should be the tropes?

Karin said it’s hard to find books populated with female characters enough for there to be lots of female friendships in them. She doesn’t like the trope of the friend who only shows up when the main character is having romantic drama in their lives.

KJ she wants more examples of groups of female friends because that’s closer to real life. [YES] If these do exist in fiction, they are more in the background.

Clarissa wants more ride or die friendships. She gives Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Ghostbusters as examples of this.

Naomi wants more moments like the one in Ghosbusters where the one character was talking about her story of being haunted and being made of fun for it as a kid. The other character simply says - I believe you. This is a metaphor for sexual abuse. The validation that women give to one another around this. [Cue me sobbing tbh about being on both sides of this phenomenon]

Crystal wants more female friends who are not Mean Girls to one another. Example: Dreadnaught which is about a trans girl superhero.

Lauren talked about female friendships where the women are being supportive of one another. And women rescuing one another. Some personal stories about women rescuing one another were shared among the panelists.

KJ mentioned the graphic novel series Rat Queens.

Naomi brought up Sarah Dressen’s YA books. The example of a friend rescuing another friend from being left alone with a creepy “family friend”. The protectiveness of female friendships. [Me: crying again.]

Karin said she is all into rescuing between female friendships because we all need rescuing sometimes and thank goodness for the friends who rescue us. It’s a different dynamic than when men rescue women.

Clarissa said her “dirty fandom secret” is that she really loves hurt/comfort stories - they don’t have to be romantic in nature. An example is when she took care of a friend who had recently had surgery. She was like “wow this is so intimate - I’ve never seen your bodily fluids before.” [So much crying/laughing, thinking about taking care of my bestie after her double mastectomy last year.]

Crystal mentioned Foz Meadows - An Accident of Stars.

Lauren said that when she’s down, a friend will share pictures she’s taken of her books in bookstores to cheer her up. She also talked about wanting both more big adventure stories about female friendship, and more small snapshots of life.

Crystal said there is some of that in the Nancy Drew series, but looking back on those today - she is really turned off by the racism.

Naomi asked what is a story arc for friendship?

Crystal said that’s as varied as the individuals, and again there just isn’t enough of it in fiction to map out.

Karin talked about that initial connection or bond upon meeting someone that you know is going to become a friend. But then there is a process of trust building. The climactic moment is when that trust is solidified.

KJ said it’s more of an ebb and flow. She wants more honoring of the variety of friendships that exist as being equally valid.

Clarissa brought up a book - Stiletto? (I didn’t catch full name or author’s name) which includes the enemies to friends narrative.

Naomi said she loves enemies to friends even though she hates enemies to lovers stories.

Crystal said fiction needs to make more narrative sense than real life does, which causes us to simplify how relationships work.

Lauren wants more friendships that start with meet-cutes.

Naomi posited the question of what is a happily ever after for a friendship arc.

Crystal answered - the book isn’t over.

KJ said different friendships would have different happily ever afters.

Clarissa noted that different cultures have different types of friendships. She was talking about how our culture sees romance as the primary relationship in someone’s life and friendship is secondary or even tertiary.

KJ said she’s married to a man who is less social than she is, so she wouldn’t be able to meet all her social needs with him anyway. It’s very important to her to keep her friendships.

Crystal said friendships are often about surviving a thing together. But there is also the idea of creating something together. Naomi said fandom is often built on friendships like that.

Crystal also talked about the idea of rituals in friendships. As society has become less formal, we’ve lost some of those rituals. In fiction, we can create these.

An audience member asked about long distance friendship in fiction. Crystal said - all of my friendships are on the internet! She went on to talk about the tradition of epistolary friendships.

Naomi said the ritual of friendship these days is allowing someone to call us on the phone [HA].

Crystal brought up a book The Belles.

An audience member asked about unique sources of conflict in female friendships. Another audience member shouted out the video game Life is Strange in response.

Crystal said - let’s talk about the elephant in the room: no more conflict about boys. There can be disagreements between friends about politics or moral choices.

Naomi talked about the idea of losing a friend to a boy or the friend who only shows up when they are between relationships. Resolution to a conflict like that is the friend discovering the importance of their friendship.

KJ said another conflict involves distance - either physically moving away or becoming more emotionally distant, even a life change such as one friend having kids and the other one not.

Clarissa talked about trying to hold on to friendships through time and space as something SFF especially could explore.

Crystal added - or something like magical abilities manifesting in one friend but not the other.

Naomi mentioned fanfic about Hermione pre-Hogwarts and losing her friendships from that era.

An audience member added that part of the conflict in those types of situations would be that one friend couldn’t tell the other what was happening in their life.

Naomi loves it when the friend tells anyway because isn’t that what best friends do? They tell each other everything no matter what. The panelists all agree they hate secret keeping as plot device.

An audience member brought up a series - Heroine Complex about superheroes with secrets.

One audience member brought up Supergirl as an example and I continued while trying not to spoil current storylines for one of the panelists. I think I said it was doing interesting things in regards to how secret keeping was affecting a female friendship and also how the show in general does good at the valuing of friendship for it’s own sake.

Clarissa mentioned Cardcaptor Sakura, a manga/anime.

Crystal mentioned Gwenda Bond’s Lois Lane books.

An audience member brought up My Little Pony, someone else said Sailor Moon. Clarissa said anime/manga in general does a lot of this but we’re not on recs yet. Naomi said - oh, we’re on recs now. (lol)

Recs:

Clarissa - Princess Jellyfish. KJ - Agents of Shield for the mentor/friendships. Audience - Parasol Protectorate. Audience - Michael/Tily from ST:Disco, Call the Midwife. Audience - Hullmetal Girls, Spinning Silver. Audience - Tamora Pierce’s Magic Circle. Audience - Steerswoman. Audience - Jessica Jones.

Naomi asked - what do we want to see more of?

Karin said - just more female friendships.

Lauren said acceptance from friends for just who someone is.

Crystal said she is drawn to friendship arcs but also wants wants them normalized.

Naomi talked about found family.

KJ said more women interacting with one another in general.

Karin wants more of the female mentorship role.

Crystal suggested Meg Elison’s post-apocalyptic stuff for how female friendships function in that kind of environment.

aaaaaand phew! This was one feelsey-ride! I loved it so much and hope we get more panels like it in the future.

#wiscon #wiscon 42 #female friendship #female friendships in sff #friendship

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ourmamafatima · 4 years

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Ask Mama Fatima: How to deal with neglect by your own mother as an adult?

Assalamu alaikum my dear daughter,

I pray this finds you in the best of health and imaan.

There is a lot to unpack here but I’d like to start off with the following hadith.

'A'isha, the wife of Allah's Apostle (ﷺ), reported Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) as saying: Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty and it is not withdrawn from anything but it makes it defective. [Sahih Muslim]

The beloved prophet [saw] explained that rifq (kindness) is the door to every kheir (goodness), and whoever is deprived from kindness is deprived from good.

One of the most constant struggles we endure throughout life is managing people, whether it’s professionally, socially or within our family. If we look at family relationships specifically, these can sometimes be a bit harder because there is a level of justified entitlement. Within families everyone has a duty in how they are supposed to treat the other whether that’s between spouses, siblings, parents or children. And so when you’re the one who is constantly giving and fulfilling that duty, but having your own needs neglected, it can be painful.

The thing is we don’t choose our parents. If that was a decision that we could have made, we would have all chosen the best and most ideal ones. But this dunia is a test, and it may be that Allah is testing us through our parents.

As I am sure you know, Allah enjoined upon all believers to treat their parents with ihsaan. With excellence. And this is not dependent on how your parents treat you. This is an unconditional duty that Allah has given us.

Your Lord has commanded that you should worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say no word that shows impatience with them, and do not be harsh with them, but speak to them respectfully.

[Quran, 17:23]

Even if your parents ask you to do something that goes against Islam, you are not to obey them, however you are still to be kind to them.

But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge,1 do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.

[Quran, 31:15]

One thing you must never forget is Allah is Al Adl. The Most Just. Parents are accountable to Allah for how they treat their children. Absolutely everything will be accounted for on judgement day and whatever pain or wrongdoing you endure, Allah sees it. Our duty is do what pleases Allah and leave the rest to Him.

“Every soul, for what it has earned, will be retained.” [Quran, 74:38]

“...that no soul shall bear the burden of another;” [Quran, 53:38]

“And Luqmān said], "O my son, indeed if it [i.e., a wrong] should be the weight of a mustard seed and should be within a rock or [anywhere] in the heavens or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Indeed, Allah is Subtle1 and Aware.” [Quran, 31:16]

What comes to my mind is the story of Prophet Ibrahim AS and his relationship with his father who not only punished him, but expelled him and also agreed to have him thrown into the fire for breaking the idols. Despite this the Quran records Ibrahim AS making dua for his fathers forgiveness.

“...except when Abraham said to his father, ‘I will pray for forgiveness for you though I cannot protect you from God’––[they prayed] ‘Lord, we have put our trust in You; we turn to You; You are our final destination.” [Quran, 60:4]

“...forgive my father, for he is one of those who have gone astray-” [26:86]

What this teaches us, is that we have the capacity within us to have a holistic view of who our parents are as individuals, and recognise that they are not perfect. Recognizing that our parents can do wrong does not detract from the status that Allah has given them, nor does it undermine the duty that we have to serve our parents with excellence.

Our parents had an entire upbringing that was different to ours. Some have lived through wars, some have had painful experiences. Some parents were never shown healthy love by their own parents. Some parents carry cultural baggage that is oppressive and not from Islam but they don’t know how to let go. This does not justify them mistreating their children but you can acknowledge this and use that as the starting point for healing and improving your relationship.

Shaytan will try to convince you that this is not your burden to bear and that since your parents decided to have you, they need to step up and make a change. Not you.

Sometimes Shaytan will try to undermine you and say “why should you be the one to make the effort? Surely your parents should be the ones doing this? They’re the ones not fulfilling their roles as parents, at the very least they should meet you halfway? You’re the victim here.”

And do you know what? You probably are the victim. But if you’re reading this, you also probably have more awareness and ability to unlearn damaging narratives, and to change the dynamic between you and your mother.

My dear daughter, please make sure you know your deen and you know yourself. There are parents who do insult their children thinking that it is love. Words can cause irreparable damage and sometimes the deen is manipulated as a form of control. If you know yourself and you know Allah and you know the duty that Allah has given you, then you will be able to withstand the difficult times with your parents. By withstanding I don’t mean that you won’t ever feel upset or hurt, but you will be able to pick yourself up and recognize what has truth in it and what doesn’t.

Remember that both the reward and sin that comes from parents is different to other people. Your parents absolutely cannot be treated like others. You cannot hold them to the same standards as your friends and you cannot treat them like your equivalent. Allah gave them a superior level over you.

Remember, the word ihsaan means to the best of your ability. So you think about how you would treat a friend. The kindness, the thoughtfulness, the patience. You take the best of them and that is what you should give to your parents. Even if they don’t reciprocate it do not lose sight of the fact that Allah sees what you do.

“whoever has done an atom’s-weight of good will see it,” [Quran, 99:7]

“But those who hold fast to the Book and establish prayer - indeed, We will not allow to be lost the reward of the righteous people.]” [Quran, 7:170]

“As for those who believe and do good deeds- We do not let the reward of anyone who does a good deed go to waste-” [18:30]

My dear daughter, I promise you that if you remain consistent in treating your parents with ihsaan, the doors of kheir and baraka will open. This will take time. It may take years, but things will change for the better. This is a promise from Allah. Not from me.

“And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon, the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend.” [Quran, 41:34]

That ayah tells you that with any person when you approach them with ihsan then with time your life will change. Allah will for sure give you a way out whether that is through the relationship improving, or a different way out entirely.

Sometimes what really hurts is you see the way other parents treat their children and wonder why you don’t have that. If this is the case for you, the best thing that I can suggest is to find a network that feeds you love and builds your self esteem rather than fuels your resentment towards your parents. Surround yourself with people who remind yourself of all the good things your parents have done for you, and use this to remember that they do love you and want the best for you. Although they have faults, there is a lot more goodness in your parents. Build relationships with people who can be a source of fulfilling love for you. Allah created us as social beings who thrive with the love and support and meaningful relationships with people can be incredibly healing.

And lastly please pray for her. Dua changes qadr and always remember that people can change. Ask Al Rahman, The Most Merciful, to soften your mother’s heart. When Allah’s mercy touches anything it changes it for the better and protects it during hardships. Ensure that your good treatment of your mother is unconditional and trust me, I know that this isn’t easy but remember like the hadith I started off with. Kindness does not touch anything except that it beautifies it.

My lovely daughter, I pray that Allah softens the heart of your mother and puts love and kindness between you both. I pray that He heals your heart from the pain that it has endured and frees it of any resentment. I pray that He elevates you and makes you of the people of the highest Jannah and I pray that He allows you to be the most wonderful mother to your children in sha Allah.

Whatever good you derived from this was from Allah, and if I have made any mistakes, it is from me. If I have misunderstood anything then please reach out me my dearest and I will do my best.

Love ❤️

Duas always,

Mama Fatima

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derivaicontrol · 4 years

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An Interview with Karen Bradley, DVM

Karen Bradley, DVMWomen’s Veterinary Leadership Development Initiative President. @karenbdvm Facebook Goodnewsforpets.com Publisher Lea-Ann Germinder met Dr. Karen Bradley for the very first time in the AVMA Veterinary Leadership Conference Just a Couple of weeks ago. After attending 17 AVMA Conventions, it appears impossible to have missed her before, but we sure did. It will be impossible to miss her now and for good reason. As president of the newly formed Girls ’s Veterinary Leadership Development Initiative WVLDI, she’s poised to kickstart the veterinary profession ahead and lead to a way that suits today's veterinary profession, the public and the animals we love and care for just fine. There have already been many articles written about the WVLDI initiative, so this informative article takes a bit more private look at Dr. Bradley with plans to have a look at a few more of her contemporary veterinary colleagues that are changing the face of veterinary medicine.

Every veterinarian we’ve interviewed has a narrative about deciding to become a veterinarian. What is your story?

I may be the exception rather than the rule--it feels like many veterinarians understood what they needed to do since childhood but I didn't. I was among those kids that had many livelihood in their “I wish to be” list and even began college with a music scholarship for flute performance and a declared major of English. It was at that early school time that I met a woman veterinarian at our regional veterinary clinic. She was recently graduated, young, clever, patient and affectionate. She was probably just about 8 years old than I was, and I understood that I was very interested in being like her. I had always loved animals and I was very good at science and mathematics, loved biology. Here was a role model, a woman doing what I'd previously seen “grandfatherly” guys do.

My grandmother, a chemist for the National Institute of Health in the days when most girls did not pursue such mathematics professions also had a whole lot to do with it. I always admired her powerful science career option --she also was a music major (a concert pianist who changed her major after accidentally receiving the incorrect low grade for music performance! Once she was made conscious of the error, she decided to not return .) I changed my major to biology and gave up the music scholarship on the road to enter veterinary college.

As a woman were you frustrated from becoming a vet?

I never felt that I was discouraged by being a vet for a woman. I grew up at the “Free to be Me and You ” times, therefore I always believed I could do anything, and that girls could play with boys and trucks . The only discouragement I received was from college advisors who wanted me to be aware how very difficult it was to enter veterinary college and that I should have a back-up plan if I failed to obtain admittance. I never came up with that backup plan. Thankfully I didn’t want one!

What is your favourite part of practicing veterinary medicine now?

I still love the fact that I might observe a challenging case or any sickness I learned about but never had the opportunity to diagnose or treat — my patients and clients can keep me on my toes! I like working with my fellow veterinarians to aid a patient and truly enjoy watching my veterinary staff team take such amazing care of the patients we visit.

Women now represent 75-78 percent of the veterinary profession and the profession surpassed 50 percent women in 2009. What do you think draws a lot of women to the health care profession?

I am certain that there's statistics or data from surveys for this question but my opinion is that veterinary medicine appeals to the science girls in a way that the other health professions do not. It has all the discovery and science aspects while you get to do, or learn to perform, cool things like use zoo animals and individuals ’s pets, horses, or livestock. Veterinary medicine is a simple livelihood to see yourself performing --that doesn’t wish to play baby animals all day?

Kidding aside, I believe some women are attracted to the ability to become a physician but for non-human creatures. And veterinary medicine requires you to work with clients or pet owners or farmers and collaborate on what is best for the animal or animals in question. Scientific discovery, collaborating for solutions, and nurturing patients and individual relationships are a natural match to female nature.

How can you discover the time to become involved in your state veterinary medical association? Were there any particular issues you're interested in impacting?

I was quite blessed to be recruited into my country veterinary medical association activities along with the subject that caught my attention was animal welfare. I slowly added more to my plate by spearheading the effort to receive a lobbyist to monitor for issues that might influence our penis veterinarians and then finally headed to the American Veterinary Medical Association (AVMA) House of Delegates representing my state. One of my veterinary partners who's 20 years my senior was a role model for this too. She'd been very active on our Vermont Veterinary Medical Association Executive Committee and served as the AVMA delegate, so it looked pretty natural to be involved in such actions. She'd done it as a single mother and practice operator, so I suppose I just saw this involvement as something significant.

With assistance from my veterinary spouses, who also find the value in this participation, I am encouraged and ready to obtain the time too. If something is important to you, you find the time for it.

Would you tell us about the Women’s Veterinary Leadership Development Initiative (WVLDI) and your own role?

The WVLDI is formally a 501c3 non-profit. I can't take credit for its presence by myself. Like any good initiative, there's a group of dedicated men and women who are collaborating together to make this possible. All I did was believe there was a need to begin such a group and was blessed that my experience in AVMA activities had allowed me to cross paths with some amazing leaders during our profession. I sat down with Dr. Stacy Pritt in the July 2013 AVMA convention and we were joined by Ms. Julie Kumble, interim CEO of the Women’s Fund of Massachusetts, who works with women on gender issues in politics and careers and spanned the beginnings of the initiative. Together with Stacy’s experience in the Association of Women Veterinarians and vast AVMA experience--and a husband who's a web developer, we had the www.womenveterinarians.org site live within fourteen days.

When I called another Board members and asked them to come together with this, they said ! Our Board of Directors has the talents and skills of: Dr. Donald F. Smith of Cornell University Center for Veterinary Medicine, Dr. Eleanor Green, Dean of Texas A&M University CVM, Dr. Stacy Pritt of UT Southwestern in Texas, Dr. Lori Teller, a professional in Texas, Dr. Valerie E. Ragan of Virginia-Maryland Regional Center of Veterinary Medicine, Dr. Rachel Cezar together with the USDA Horse Protection Council, Dr. Douglas G. Aspros of New York, the AVMA immediate-past president, Ms. Julie Kumble, interim CEO of the Girls ’s Fund of Massachusetts, and Ms. Cassandra Tamsey, class of 2015 Texas A&M University as our furry student on the WVLDI Board. With support and cooperation with AVMA, we have been even more fortunate to have Dr. Elizabeth Sabin, AVMA Director of the Diversity Initiative unite us as an ex officio Board member.

You made a decision to start the Initiative utilizing social media. Why was that?

The idea occurred to me this summer a Facebook group might be a means to get people who care about women’s involvement in veterinary direction to speak among themselves, to network and connect between meetings. I understood this might be a way to help encourage, nudge, push, and empower more women to wish to be involved. And let’s face itit’s easy! I popped up a Facebook group and right then a Linked In group readily and then began inviting and urging other people to invite people to join. Social networking is so accessible and can be crossing the generational split to bring individuals together for media. We have 620 Facebook fans, 300 Linked In members and are growing every day.

Are men involved with the initiative?

Yesfrom the get-go! The WVLDI is not a man-bashing group, it's a women’s resource group. Our Board of Directors has two guys and the social media groups have many men as members and participants. We need men who are leaders in the career right now with us, teaching and learning and developing together. The goal of the Initiative is to reach gender balanced leadership--you wouldn’t have that with no men. I like to remind the male leaders that they all have girls that are important to them — daughters, wives, mothers, sisters, nieces, granddaughters these guys wish to see achieve success and respect in their lives and professions. They will need to join in this effort as though it is those women that are very important to them they are helping to elevate.

How can someone get involved?

Join our Facebook and Linked In groups. We're growing and evolving daily --we’re still in our fledgling phase. Locate our present opportunity postings by following Facebook or Linked In, or in the near future by checking www.womenveterinarians.org and join with us in case you are interested in these opportunities. Come to our demonstrations at the national conventions such as the North American Veterinary Conference, Western Veterinary Conference, SAVMA, regional meetings, and also the AVMA convention. Join the dialogue on the sex leadership gap and help us find ways to narrow this gap.

Are there anything else you would like to include?

It’s thrilling and exciting to find this initiative rise in just six short months. This year, we're off to a great start from the AVMA Veterinary Leadership Conference and now planning to have students become actively engaged and many more ideas are being created" all built on positive energy and optimism for what the future holds.

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politicsprose · 7 years

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2017 Holiday Newsletter

Welcome to the 2017 Politics and Prose Holiday Newsletter. As always, we’re proud to present a selection of some of the year’s most impressive books. Happy holidays to all!

American Fiction

Jennifer Egan’s Manhattan Beach (@scribnerbooks) captures a time and place on the verge of momentous change. Set in Brooklyn in the 1940s, the novel tells the story of Anna Kerrigan, a young woman who has dropped out of Brooklyn College to contribute what she can to the American war effort. Unsatisfied with her job of inspecting and measuring machine parts, she attempts to enter the male-only world of deep-sea diving. Manhattan Beach is rich and atmospheric, highlighting a period when gangs controlled the waterfront, jazz streamed from the doors of nightclubs, and the future for everyone was far from certain. - Mark L.

Shaker Heights is a perfectly planned town full of people with seemingly perfectly planned lives, but when Mia and her daughter Pearl move in they start a series of little fires, small rebellions, that shake the community to its core. Celeste Ng brilliantly explores the nature of art, family, and identity in her second novel, Little Fires Everywhere (@thepenguinpress). The writing is beautifully elegant and layered, and you’ll find yourself immediately swept up in the lives of the characters. At the heart of the story are four mothers: one whose carefully planned family was nearly derailed by a high-risk pregnancy and who watches her youngest daughter so carefully that she forgets to show her love; one who leaves her child at a firehouse to save her life in a hopeless moment; one who longs for a child and fears her chance will be snatched away before she can experience the wonder of motherhood; and one who made a dangerous choice to raise her child on her terms. Whether you are a mother or a child, the story of these women and their families will stay with you long after you turn the last page. - Tori O.

Larry McMurtry has always been ambivalent about the success of the fiction in which he portrays the cowboy myth and the rugged Texas machismo that comes with it, but as you read the three novels collected in Thalia: A Texas Trilogy (Liveright) you won’t be of two minds. Actually, upon learning that McMurtry wrote all these books in his twenties and that they were the very first three he wrote, you’ll be burning with envy. In Horseman, Pass By, McMurtry sets Lonnie Bannon with his love of his Granddad’s ranch and way of life against Hud, his step-brother, who is endlessly crude and cruel. At the center of Leaving Cheyenne are Gid, Johnny, and Molly, a rancher, his cowboy hand, and the woman they both love. They each take a turn telling the story of their unconventional lives in small-town Texas. Finally, there’s The Last Picture Show, in which we see Thalia as a dead-end place. Of the three, this is perhaps the most darkly comic, as nearly every character engages in self-deception in order to eke out an existence in a town where every day is the same. Amid the fantastic and perhaps unbelievably melodramatic events, McMurtry finds a bottomless well of compassion for his characters. This is one time capsule was worth re-opening. - Sharat B.

Described as an “illustrated novella,” and looking like a quirky coffee table book, A Field Guide to the North American Family (Knopf), by Garth Risk Hallberg, is neither. This work, which Hallberg wrote before his 2015 New York epic, City on Fire, is an ingenious maze of a narrative based on the concept of the North American Family. Reminiscent of Lydia Davis’ seemingly quotidian pieces of pointed brilliance, Hallberg’s work is multi-layered, surprising, and deft. At one level the book uses a series of flash-fictions to recount the story of two families. At another, it’s an index of terms that readers can reference while reading the main plot—or savor for the wisdom they offer on their own. Then there are the photos. Each episode comes not only with its keywords but with a visual image. These are sometimes directly related to the text, like conventional illustrations, but often their relationship to the narrative is more elusive. Some pages look as if they’ve been torn from one scrapbook and pasted into this one, others look fresh and new. Grab this emotional map of North American family life and get ready to wander – it’s sure to be a warm, nostalgic trip. - Justin S.

In Paul La Farge’s The Night Ocean (@penguinrandomhouse), Marina Willett’s husband, a famous-turned-infamous literary historian, has disappeared, seemingly a suicide case but maybe that’s just what he wants people to think. From this hook, the book’s tentacles spread into a kaleidoscopic series of investigations, as Marina double-checks her spouse’s leads to get to the bottom of a mysterious bit of H. P. Lovecraft apocrypha called “The Erotonomicon.” Cameos extend from Lovecraft to William Burroughs, Isaac Asimov, and more, becoming something like “The Savage Detectives of American weird fiction.” To follow this book’s incredible story, you don’t need to like, or even know, these figures, which are all fictionalized creations anyway, despite the author’s deep knowledge of their histories. La Farge critiques and parodies but does not romanticize these writers. He’s deeply attuned to how our human sympathies toward icons we learn about from afar can morph into blind obsession despite our best intentions. His narrative is a seamless combination of trickster humor and utter heartbreak, plumbing the depths to which people will go to forgive, embody, and take revenge upon their former idols, all while preserving their own reputation. The best writing lives inside you —even possesses you. The Night Ocean does just that. - Jonathan W.

Lily Tuck, whose novel The News from Paraguay won the National Book Award in 2004, is one of our finest writers of novels-in-vignettes, and her latest, Sisters (@theatlantic), takes compression to extremes. Its “chapters” are often over in a page, a paragraph, sometimes a sentence, but they’re such vivid shards that you feel like you’re catching all the other pieces in a mosaic without having to see them spelled out. This is the story of a woman reflecting on her shaky marriage, whose trappings—her husband’s children, passions, and memories—all come courtesy of a prior spouse. Tuck centers on her narrator’s relationship with this other woman, who, though living across town, always seems to be in the air. What could turn spiteful in another writer’s hands comes off as gentle and empathetic in Tuck’s, as her lead character seizes on snatches of imagery (“a messy ponytail,” “did not wear rings”), to think through what her ostensible rival’s life must be like. Is it the narrator and not the man who links the two of them who truly understands this woman, she who sees that the bouillabaisse dinner he fondly remembers from France might have made her pregnant body sick? For such a short novel, Sisters is full of these kinds of insights, simply but inimitably framed. - Jonathan W.

One of the most talked about books this autumn, and my favorite, was My Absolute Darling (@riverheadbooks), by Gabriel Tallent. Shocking and unsettling, at times difficult to read, the novel follows fourteen-year-old Turtle Alveston, who feels more at home in nature than she does with her survivalist and damaged father, as she searches for freedom and fights for her soul. Roaming the woods one night, wondering if her father would be able to find her, she meets two lost teenage boys and guides them safely out. And that is the moment she starts questioning her home life. The way Tallent brings you steadily into Turtle’s mind makes you almost feel her pain. He manages to capture her deepest thoughts, her internal struggle, her will to survive. Obviously suffering from Stockholm syndrome, she debates with herself over whether to stay or leave, doubting her worth every step of the way. But she fights and she survives. She is the kind of girl, brave and determined, with whom readers are almost duty-bound to fall in love. Tallent grew up in Mendocino and spent a lot of time outside. His love for the region is evident in Turtle’s view of the place and Mendocino itself is a strong character in the book. This is Tallent’s debut novel. And what a remarkable debut it is! - Marija D.

Friendships seldom get the sustained literary treatment that romances do, but Claire Messud’s insightful novel The Burning Girl (@wwnorton) shows that these relationships strike as deep, stir as many emotions, and do as much to shape a person, for better or worse. They can have special force when formed early in life, and Messud’s protagonists, Julia and Cassie, are best friends from nursery school to roughly seventh grade. Narrating the friendship and its aftermath, Julia, the one who takes paths already there rather than striking out into untrodden territory—the one who sets limits—insists that she and Cassie are as close as sisters. Their two families never mesh, however, and Julia comes to realize that her notion of “home” is not Cassie’s. Much of Cassie’s home life is guesswork, and while Julia does that work, her version of Cassie is partly made up; at times Cassie seems like one of the characters Julia, an aspiring actress, inhabits on stage. Messud uses the inherently self-dramatizing period of adolescence as a lens to view more difficult questions of how well any two people can know each other, and she brilliantly demonstrates how the typical rites of passage—fantasizing about an alternative family, surviving junior high cliques—can suddenly yield “one of those events that that was little and big at the same time,” bringing about the kind of understanding that a person never forgets. - Laurie G.

#books #Holidays #american fiction #2017

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punchlinesf · 5 years

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Catching Up with Dan Cummins

Dan Cummins has a one hour Comedy Central special along with many other television appearances such as Conan, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Last Comic Standing and more. Those are hefty credits that yield some serious street cred. Credits that the majority of working stand up comics will never see in their lifetime. However, in the grand scheme of things, how much do these ultimately matter in the pursuit of your dreams? I got to chat with the hilarious and hardworking Dan Cummins about his lengthy career in comedy and his upcoming shows at Punch Line San Francisco. Ronn Vigh: We initially met in 2003 when we both competed in the San Francisco International Comedy Competition. That competition is considered a big milestone for up and coming comics. Do you remember anything significant about that week or period of time in your career? Dan Cummins: I remember the first night that the competition was in San Francisco pretty well. I’d never been in SF before but I knew about its comedic history. I felt so out of place and that I had so much to prove. I didn’t want to be seen as some hacky tavern comic from Spokane, Washington. I remember coming into the competition with a HUGE chip on my shoulder. RV: Wow. Well, I was a really green comic myself at the time but for what it’s worth, I remember you being really nice to me. So, how has your point of view or style of comedy evolved since then? DC: Life has changed so much for me since then. I was still a long ways from making a living as a comic back then. It was all still just a big, beautiful, chaotic experiment. Such a big gamble. Every show felt so important. Like my (hopefully future) career depended on it. Now, after having literally thousands of shows under my belt and after making a living in comedy for over 15 years, I’m a lot more at peace with it. I feel like I have less to prove and I think I’m funnier on stage because of that. Back then, I was a joke guy because I was too afraid to commit to a longer form story. I was too worried about bombing. Now, if I feel like it’s entertaining, I’ll tell a ten minute story. I also feel like I have a lot more to say now. I’ve lived a lot more life. I feel more confident in my opinions and perspective than I did in 2003 and confidence in what you’re saying is so important to good storytelling. I’d like to think I’ve come a long way since then and hopefully, I’ve also retained a decent amount of the childlike wonder for the world I had back when I was 26 years old. RV: I've known many comics who set a list of goals to accomplish by a certain time in their careers. Were you one of those guys? DC: I did make a lot of specific goals. Most of them early on. “Get on this late show, get this type of comedy special, sell this kind of [TV] show!” I’ve been lucky -- I’ve hit most of them (never could sell a show though). The last five to ten years my goals have gotten more artistic. I just want to get more skilled at doing whatever you would call my style of comedy, and reach more and more people who enjoy it, and have those people come out to shows so I can keep doing what I’ve devoted my life too. That’s really my only stand-up goal at this point. RV: I was a flight attendant and in that field they always say being a flight attendant is a lifestyle, not a career. I feel even more that way about stand up, especially for those who do the road so often like yourself. Did you ever have a "Why am I doing this? I should just quit now” moment? DC: I totally get that. Yes -- this life is a long ways from your average nine-to-five job. You’re living in hotels and working clubs and bars all over the world. I’ve thought about quitting many times. I thought about quitting after tough road gigs early on where I had driven eight plus hours to perform for less than 20 people who all seemed to hate me, and I didn’t make enough money to even pay for the gas it took to the make it to the gig. I thought about quitting when my Comedy Central hour special came out in 2010 and no one in America seemed to give a fuck about it enough to buy tickets. I was performing in Grand Rapids, Michigan a week after it aired in front of 30 people who’d never heard of me. I thought about quitting back in 2016 when my album was number one on the iTunes Comedy chart for several weeks in a row, I’d just killed it on The Tonight Show, and I was performing, again, in front of 30 or so people who had never heard of me (this time in Kansas City). I thought, “This is the BEST I can do and it still doesn’t matter!” I’d put out five albums of my best stuff at that point and it just didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.

RV: The last time I saw you was a few years ago and you were thrilled about returning with your family to your home state of Idaho. Has this helped, hindered, or presented any unexpected challenges for you as a working comic? DC: Idaho has been really good to me. It’s a little harder to get places because of where I’m living but I’ no longer distracted by all the entertainment possibilities of Los Angeles. I’ve gone back to focusing more on stand-up than I was for a while. Also, a lot of exposure has come via Pandora and my podcast Timesuck. I’m actually selling the most tickets to shows of my career by far. I’m working the best clubs in the country and many of the shows are sold out. I never thought that would happen after moving back to Idaho. It’s been incredible! RV: Tell me more about your podcast. DC: Timesuck has been a wild ride! It’s a deep dive on one subject a week and episodes come out Monday at Noon, PST. Episodes can be about anything interesting: criminals, historical figures, cults, current events, social issues, conspiracies, cryptozoology, the paranormal, etc. You learn a lot about one subject a week (me and the team I now have research the hell out of this stuff) and you get to laugh while you learn. I work hard to add a lot of humor to the narratives. We also have an online community that has become pretty interesting as well. It’s grown out of people who are intensely curious about he world around them and willing to question their beliefs wanting to meet other people who feel the same way. Our private Facebook group has close to 10,000 members and many have become friends with one another. Romantic relationships have formed out of the group. There have been some engagements! RV: In early 2017, you were nice enough to give me a guest spot on your show in Arizona. In the green room you spoke passionately about Timesuck as it just started a few months prior. In what ways has the podcast evolved and exceeded your expectations? DC: The podcast has exceeded my expectations in every way. It has evolved into this interesting humanitarian group. Listeners send care packages to and raise money for other listeners in need. They send in emails saying listening to the show has strengthened relationships with their spouses, siblings, parents and more -- giving them inside jokes to share and subjects to talk about. This past week we had an email from someone who found the courage to leave an actual cult they’d been in for years after listening to various episodes about cults I’ve done (Jonestown, Heaven’s Gate, Scientology, Order of the Solar Temple, The Branch Davidians, etc) We’ve had listeners write and say that Timesuck literally saved their life -- that they were suicidal but then became hopeful towards humanity again listening to the podcast. I never expected any of that. Not in a million years. I’m so excited to see where it goes from here! And you can always have a guest spot. You’re a funny guy! RV: Thanks. That’s all I needed to hear. Interview is over. So, does anything you uncover in the podcast wind up working it's way into your stand up?

DC: That’s just started to happen! I told a random story about having a sexual experience with a banana in high school. Yup, a banana. Fans went nuts laughing about it and teasing me. So I decided to tell the whole story on stage (after fans brought bananas to some shows and people started showing up wearing banana shirts) and now it’s one of my favorite new standup pieces. It is RIDICULOUS! RV: Can you give us a sneak peek of what topic you will be covering when you do the podcast live from the Punch Line? DC: Yes! I’ll be telling the tale of the Ant Hill Kids. A French Canadian cult mainly based in Quebec between 1977 and 1989, led by a psychopath named Roch Theriault. He was BRUTAL. It’s amazing what cult members endured at his hands and still chose to follow him. It’s a fascinating study in manipulation and I tell some of the darkest jokes I’ve ever written during this tale. It’s not for the squeamish! RV: What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about San Francisco? DC: My favorite thing about San Francisco is how smart the crowds are. They want good, intelligent comedy. They don’t need to be spoon fed. My least favorite is that San Francisco crowds can be REALLY sensitive. Too sensitive. They can take the social justice warrior ethos -- which is great -- and become a little too serious for their own good. It’s a comedy show, not a protest. Lighten the fuck up and laugh. Life’s too short to be pissed all the time...and this is coming from a pretty angry comic! RV: Well said! It’s always great to see you back at the Punch Line!

DC: I’m looking forward to some Punch Line shows! I truly do love coming to San Francisco. I have so many great memories of shows there over the years. It’s a home away from home and I look forward to it every year. Dan Cummins: The Happy Murder Tour at Punch Line San Francisco, May 1 - 4. Prices and show times vary. TimeSuck Live Podcast w/ Dan Cummins, May 4, 4PM. Tickets are $20 in advance. Tickets can be purchased at punchlinecomedyclub.com

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whittlebaggett8 · 6 years

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A relationship coach who believes women should date multiple men on rotation says these are the 7 things wrong with modern dating, Defence Online

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A romance mentor says there are 7 points incorrect with fashionable dating.

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Chris Hondros / Getty

Romance coach Sami Wunder spoke to INSIDER about every little thing which is wrong with modern courting, and how we can fix it.

On the floor, some of her approaches appear controversial – like telling her customers to day many men at the moment.

Nonetheless, she explained her main target is educating ladies about their self really worth, and how they should not sense like they require to impress the human being they’re relationship.

If an individual is right for you, they’ll respect your boundaries and enjoy you regardless of anything else in your lifetime.

Finally it’s about loving you, and realizing that a wholesome romance is “a gift” on major of that, she mentioned.

You utilised to have to go pace dating to have the chance of quickly dating a good deal of people today at as soon as. But with dating applications now getting just one of the most common ways we meet each and every other, it’s a whole lot more popular for us to date more than 1 human being at a time.

Courting and relationship mentor Sami Wunder – known as the “Get the Ring coach” – is a big supporter of this, and phone calls it “rotational relationship.”

“It can sound sleazy, it can audio uncomfortable, and strange, for dignified women,” she advised INSIDER. “But courting is not equal to sleeping with anyone. This is truly significant to say due to the fact we instantly associate the two conditions alongside one another.”

Wunder instead teaches her consumers to keep off obtaining intercourse because that is when matters can get sophisticated.

“That’s when our oxytocin kicks in, and which is when chemistry kicks in, that’s when you disregard all the red flags, the birds fly and you just fall in love, compared to genuinely evaluating whether the human being in front of you is in shape for a little something steady and very long time period,” she explained.

Wunder mentioned this is just aspect of the way modern courting is harming us. With this in thoughts, she teaches her clients how to enjoy the area, and catch the attention of the proper kind of husband or wife into their life.

She advised INSIDER there are 7 other items we’re performing completely wrong in the present day pursuit of love.

1. We assume we require to settle

Wunder functions with successful, pushed women, like herself. But when they arrive at out to her, they usually really do not have the assurance in adore like they do in their professions. Because of this, they can settle for a man just simply because they’ve revealed interest.

As a substitute, you can date and get to know several gentlemen in what she phone calls “connection dates.”

“These are espresso dates, cinema dates, getting a walk in the park with each other,” she explained. “It’s when you really begin to get to know the human being you’re interacting with, compared to this rapid flash of chemistry of obtaining into the mattress and ending up with heartbreak, and recreating this cycle of unaware relationships.”

You also should not experience like you owe everyone something just since you’ve invested the evening with them, or they’ve spent a large amount of cash on dinner, Wunder reported.

“That’s a strain I believe females make on them selves, that dependent on a supper I have to snooze with them,” she claimed. “It’s a very wounded concept since instantly you’re comparing a hundred dollars of meal with sharing your sacred body with a person.”

2. We imagine we have to have to impress a day

It is usually considered that getting really like usually takes hard get the job done. Wunder said this is the exact same psychology we use in our occupations, but it’s misplaced when we’re relationship.

“If you blindly utilize that principle in dating and enjoy you are heading to conclude up in truly unhealthy wounded associations,” she said. “Because you are likely to guide with attempting to impress males, you are heading to do the job difficult for their validation, and it is the total reverse of a wholesome self esteem, which doesn’t have to function tricky to be appreciated.”

She explained she teaches her consumers not to glimpse for external validation, and instead demonstrate up for a day like you have nothing to establish.

“It’s truly what is earning these females close up in what I connect with ‘project like wrestle,’” she explained. “You are loved for who you are not what you do … You do not achieve a gentleman. You invite and appeal to a gentleman into your everyday living.”

This way, you’ll also uncover a person who doesn’t overstep your boundaries. Yes, some of your dates will vanish as a end result of your requires, she reported, but that’s due to the fact they are not the proper 1 for you.

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Maridav / Shutterstock

3. We aren’t aware of our energies

Wunder thinks in masculine and feminine energies. This does not imply what will make somebody male and woman, but rather she works by using the words to describe polar reverse characteristics. For instance, she claims masculine electricity is much more forceful, which indicates it allows you get ahead at work, when feminine energy must be channeled into your personalized daily life.

“I consider there is a little something really wonderful about a guy who is in contact with his masculine and his female side,” Wunder claimed. “But if you want to be a robust and successful lady who can appeal to a person who has bought his s— together, quite basically, you have obtained to direct with your feminine electrical power.”

If not, she reported, you are only going to bring in adult men who search to you to deliver for them.

“And if you’re satisfied executing that, that is superior, but most women are not,” she stated. “It’s incredibly very simple for an professional to see why that is taking place – it’s since you have led the partnership with your masculine, and you have captivated an individual who is extra in their female and then they are likely to sit back again whilst you do the function.”

4. We never know what we want

Wunder claimed she asks her shoppers what they want, and she caps their expectations at a few. For illustration, if you really want your spouse to be tall, that’s fantastic, but you should not have far more than 3 non-negotiables, or your anticipations get started staying unrealistic.

“You get to say I want a gentleman with blue eyes, wonderful, you deserve it,” she reported. “And then we have deal breakers, like if he smokes it is a offer breaker. Or if he does not want children and I want kids it’s a offer breaker … This is where we get clarity on the customer we are doing the job with, what she desires, and seriously outline the type of romance she desires to catch the attention of in her existence.”

5. We’re held again by our beliefs

Wunder tells her shoppers they don’t require correcting, they require “stripping off.” Several gals go to her for support because they assume there’s anything erroneous with them, but really, there’s just a abilities hole.

“There are all these issues you have assumed and realized and started to imagine,” she said. “It’s just a assumed you repeat to you above and above all over again, and then it begins to truly feel like the truth of the matter of the environment.”

For illustration, if you believe that all guys are intimidated by strong and profitable women, then that is exactly the sort of man you will continue to keep attracting. Every person has the capability to find out how to really like, she explained, but it is like working out a muscle you forgot you had.

source

Sami Wunder

6. We haven’t figured out to really like ourselves 1st …

Wunder functions with a large amount of women who consider they will need to give and give to sense worthy. She claimed the major turning place for them is when they realise they are enough on their personal, that when they choose away the occupation, the dwelling, the car, and anything else, they are however important.

“A man does not drop in like with you since you’ve led so a lot of conferences, and been on Tv set, and travelled the environment and can converse five languages,” Wunder said. “He falls in enjoy with the woman inside of you, and your coronary heart, and what can make you satisfied, what will make you cry, your essence as a human currently being.”

7. … For the reason that you can not enjoy somebody else until finally you do

Wunder has noticed 124 of her clients get engaged in excess of the past 3 yrs, but the supreme objective is not just to get a ring on her clients’ fingers.

Rather, it’s about switching the narrative they’ve been telling by themselves, that somewhere along the line they’ve supplied up on love. Telling ourselves we’re hopeless charges us so a lot in the extensive run, she claimed, which is why she prides herself on helping girls “get in touch with their electric power and joy all over again.”

“If you do not get the person in 6 months at the very least you get your self back again, and that’s a enormous present to give to by yourself,” she claimed. “We’ve witnessed that the males are just reward items. They come when you’ve embraced your complete lifetime.”

The post A relationship coach who believes women should date multiple men on rotation says these are the 7 things wrong with modern dating, Defence Online appeared first on Defence Online.

from WordPress https://defenceonline.com/2019/03/24/a-relationship-coach-who-believes-women-should-date-multiple-men-on-rotation-says-these-are-the-7-things-wrong-with-modern-dating-defence-online/

#Dating #Dating Apps #Health #Internet Dating #Lifestyle UK #News #Relationships #This Is Insider

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violetemerald · 7 years

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Asexuality, Shame, and the Importance of Ace Pride

This post was written for the March 2017 Carnival of Aces, which is themed around Ace Pride. Check out the call for submissions here - and I'll edit this page so that it contains a link to the round up post containing all of the submitted entries once such a post is up. If you want to submit a slightly late entry, ask the host. ;)

We'll get to Ace Pride by the end of this post. First, I need to talk about Ace Shame.

[Content note: Heavy discussion of anti-ace sentiments, invalidation, shame, negative emotions, etc. Some NSFW text. Unhappy ace/allo sexual relationship dynamics also touched upon. It's a bit of a rambling mess too.]

shame: n. A painful emotion caused by the belief that one is, or is perceived by others to be, inferior or unworthy of affection or respect because of one's actions, thoughts, circumstances, or experiences.

What is there to be proud of? Isn't asexuality nothing?

pride: n. a feeling of honour and self-respect; a sense of personal worth

"Are you sure you're not repressed? because you grew up Catholic?"

"Everyone masturbates - and the few who say they don't? are lying."

What do you fantasize about though?

Everyone is turned on by some type of person.

"Maybe you should talk to a doctor about your hormone levels."

"WAIT -- you're 22 and you've never been kissed??"

The 40 Year Old Virgin is a great movie, made me cry. I'm so happy that he finally lost his virginity at the end.

"It's natural and healthy to have sexual thoughts and desires".

You're betraying feminists if you fight Flibanserin (Addyi) being on the market.

"Who do you have a crush on?"

"You should watch this tv show, if for no other reason than the eye candy, you know what I mean? ;) "

"Philosophical or psychological hypothesis: What if all human desires are, deep down, influenced by sex because it's instinctual that we need to want sex in order for our species to survive? I mean it's probably true, it just makes sense."

My mom: "You don't have to get Confirmed Catholic if you really don't want to however... You might want to belong to a church for when you get married?"

"A soulmate is your other half, the person who completes you, everyone is waiting to find theirs unless they are so lucky to have already found them."

lust can be such a powerful feeling that it motivates people to cheat with a stranger they just met

"without 'passion' in that marriage can you blame that miserable spouse for cheating?"

OK Cupid question: "How many dates will you want to go on before you're ready for sex? One? Three? 12?" (See the 100 words prose poem thing I wrote, which I just last night posted about this topic.)

Check a box: "Which of the three fits you best: straight, gay, or bi?"

"Have you tried having sex with both men and women and didn't like it? Only men? You probably just didn't give being lesbian enough of a chance."

"Ok interesting. But. Are you absolutely sure you haven't just not met the right person yet? You don't want to close yourself off to that possibility too young" (said to me when I'm 24.)

Me before I accepted I'm ace: "I... this first kiss to you feels just as lackluster as the other time I tried kissing a different person last year. I need to admit something... I'm starting to worry I might be asexual, unfortunately. I like you a lot as a person already, so maybe I'll turn out to be demisexual? Over time? (If we... fall in love or something?)"

It's the standard narrative. Boy meets girl. One is too traumatized or just mistrustful of the world. Let's say it's the girl this time. The guy loves her hard enough, for long enough... that she learns to love him back with time. Or she suddenly has a revelation that the love of her life has been there all along. He might be suddenly attractive to her too. Like Lois and Clark in versions of their story where you see them before they get together. And wow. They feel all the feelings. They have a magical kiss or even the best sex ever by the end of the story. Happily ever after. It wouldn't be a happy ending without getting together romantically.

"Are you sure you're not aroused right now?" - when I tried sex with my boyfriend.

"I've never met anyone who's asexual before. (That can't be real.)"

"Oh, that explains a lot about our conversations these past years. I always just thought maybe you were a bit prudish."

Isn't the idea of being proud to be ace arrogant, elitist, and saying you're better than people who have sexual desires, shaming them for that, and that's not cool?

"You're lucky you're ace. I wish I was ace. You have it so easy."

Sorry I decided to write such a downer of a post for such a seemingly happy theme. I kind of went a pretty... different direction than the other entries. At first I wondered if I was completely going off topic but now I realize... My post is basically a long answer to @purrplelace‘s final bullet point in the suggested topics:

How do displays of pride (in whatever forms you choose to show it) help you deal with any negative aspects of being ace? How do they help you love/accept yourself and your asexuality more?

Read more on WordPress: https://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2017/04/01/asexuality-shame-and-the-importance-of-ace-pride/#more-4625

#Actually Asexual #Asexuality #Ace Pride #Ace #carnival of aces #asexual #idk what I should've been tagging this post...

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