#narcissitic ex

[yewstronaut]

not so friendly reminder that I am someone who experiences psychosis so if you're one of those people who feels the need to call someone psychotic cause they're violent, aggressive, or you just plain to agree with them get the fuck off my blog and let the door hit you on the way out

[something-not-quite-human]

A PSA about mental health terminology because it's important to understand what these actually mean and it annoys me that people use them wrong:

A delusion is when a person believes something unrealistic or unlikely. It can be thinking that people can read your mind, believing you have super powers, thinking someone or a group of people are out to get you, thinking someone is spying on you, that someone or something close to you has been replaced with a clone/replica, etc. It is not thinking someone is mad at you or misinterpreting a situation.

Gaslighting is when you remember one thing, but someone acts like you're wrong. They make you doubt your memory and it can feel like you always overreact. It is not just someone lying to you or being confused. It's a genuine attempt to make the victim feel crazy/wrong.

Intrusive thoughts are typically dark and out of character for the person. They are unwanted and uncomfortable thoughts such as specific acts of violence, incest, sexual harassment, hurting yourself, hurting those close to you, etc. It is not just some silly quirky impulsive act.

Impulsive thoughts are what most people think are intrusive thoughts. Impulsive thoughts, unlike intrusive thoughts, are not typically dark or uncomfortable. It is a brief thought where you want to do something such as major purchases, sticking your hand in a blender, jumping out of a moving car, etc. Whereas intrusive thoughts last for some time, Impulsive thoughts do not and are easy to dismiss.

Psychopathy is an actual trait/condition that affects a person's day to day life. It does not immediately make them a bad person and typically stems from certain traumas. While the symptoms can include poor impulse control and disregard for others, it does not mean the person is violent or a serial killer. Grow up.

Sociopathy is a condition/trait where the patient is numb to all emotions. They could feel one emotion or feel loyalty to friends, but they can live normal lives. It does not mean the person is evil or cruel. They literally have no reason to hurt you and do not care about you. It stems from neglect as a child.

Narcissism is trait/condition in which a person believes themselves to be better than everyone else. Their skills, intelligence, and appearance are all above the average person. Narcissism, as a trait, is treatable and they can change over time. Narcissism, as a condition, is known as Narcissitic Personality Disorder and is not curable (obviously). More research needs to be done in order to better understand the condition, but these people are not all abusers and manipulators and assholes. They are normal people, and if you're going to judge someone purely based on their mental illness, then they are right that they're better than you.

There a ton more that I could add, but I'm just going to put the blanket statement: DO NOT USE ACTUAL DIAGNOSABLE CONDITIONS AS AN ADJECTIVE

Ex: Calling yourself or others OCD, Bipolar, Autistic, Anorexic, Schizophrenic, Psychopathic, Sociopathic, etc. unless they actually have that condition

TL;DR

Educate yourself about what terms and mental health issues actually are before using them liberally, and don't judge people for what they can't control.

[z-spy]

idk why but i am becoming more and more repulsed by romantic relationships and sex and now it's not only because i can't stand the cult of marriage reproduction and childbirth in general but also because i see the way people in media talk and joke about this shit how they call people with whom they were in relationship before their "exes" like it's the only quality that this person has after breaking up with them and simply this whole culture of hating your ex and being enemies with them and if not then you are probably cheating on your current lover because you still talk to this person HOW STUPID IT IS-

i do not even mention that most of people immediately change their lovers if something is slightly wrong with them as it's so easy for them to replace the person they "loved" with another and another and another this invokes RAGE in me like where is the love where is the romance you are talking about??? it seems like it's easy for people not to understand those who they remain in a romantic relationship with but to call them abusive and "narcissitic"(and rn i am not saying that you should endure poor treatment from another if some genius already is on their way to accuse me in lack of comapassion towards victims)

the way people think that jealousy is normal and attractive and that you should "fight for your love" is a good thing and completely not stupid awful and selfish and how people try to convince you that you will change your mind about marriage and having kids not because they ACTUALLY CARE for you but because they WANT you to change your mind because they hope that you too will not be able to live without someone by your side because these people are OBSESSED with sex and they don't understand it and try to enforce it on people that are disgusted by this shit calling them weird and ill like bro you are the one who whines about being single or talks about your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/ex and your ships or that you are horny all the time get help + the fact that almost nobody believes in men and women being capable of building friendship with nothing romantic or sexual behind it or without being both gay or aroace irritates very much. WE ARE NOT IN KINDERGARTEN

and the way some people talk about friendship no because someone actually thinks that friends cannot hug and kiss each other say "i love you" and just be affectionate and considerate towards each other because those are things that only lovers do it concernes me i am afraid to imagine how they treat their friends(if they have any)

no now i understand why i am so repulsed by romantic relationships and sex.

[witch-house-in-winter]

Ive been on this app for quite a long time now and never did i made something productive with it so now i just randomly decided to yell into the void (and my one and only mutual, hello there) so im just gonna post a random list of (un)funny descriptions to some of my fav books (that i also made quite a long time ago)

Enjoy (or not)

1.Ptsd gives you superpowers, also ex-college roomates wanna kill eachother while being completely obsessed with the other one (vicious, v.e.schwab)

2.Gay theatre kids who do murder and if they had kissed earlier nothing bad would have happened (if we were villains, m.l rio)

3.Pure misery for almost 2000 pages but the only interesting characters have almost no screentime and also die (les mis, victor hugo)

4.This prince invented edginess before it was cool (hamlet, william shakespeare)

5.Revenge, but make it "aesthetic and long" (the count of monte cristo, alexandre dumas)

6. Six gay bastards that i love with all my heart even if all of them are wanted by the police (six of crows, leigh bardugo)

7. Gay chinese dude who acts as a menace goes bad but is actually not bad. Also they use musical instruments as weapons and flying swords as a way of transport (mo dao zu shi, mxtx)

8. Narcissitic wizard's only weakness is his housekeeper (howl's moving castle, diana wynne jones)

9 People are so sad and shocked by this book ending as if its not a retelling of a 2000yo myth(so am i) (the song of achilles, madeline miller)

10. Just cause you killed someone you dont have to think you are better than everyone else also why do you faint so much ?! ( crime and punishment, fyodor dostoievski)

[zeltqz]

NIYA! Ik this is very out of the blue but they sent me a cringe ass picture of my ex. I can imagine ran laughing his ass off because of it. ITS LITERALLY SO BAD.

This guy is literally so insecure of fictional characters and bro is “training” to be a narcissist, IM DYING. I had to say this cuz it’s literally so cringe. Ran would be so disappointed 😭😭

LMFAOOOOOOOOO NAH WAIT HOW CAN ONE TRAIN TO BE A NARCISSIT??? FALMSOFASOFAOSFA

[loverockawaitsyou]

THE NARCISSITIC EX IS DEFEATED. GOT MY THINGS BACK FROM HIM, AND NOW I DON'T HAVE TO CONTACT HIM AGAIN

Called the office at my old place, and my ex-coworker stood up for me and confiscated my things from him. I'll be getting all my things back. I can finally know peace for the first time in a LONG time.

[flyatahighergame-arch]

Tang has many mental and emotional struggles of his own, most of which stem from a personality disorder, that is narcissistic personality disorder or NPD edited: I also forgot to add he has overt npd 

There are specific criteria for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder in the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).  [Notes: the following is taken from PsychCentral.com ]

Criteria include at least five of these nine symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder:

grandiosity and self-importance

fantasies of success, perfection, or power

a strong conviction of being special and unique

a need for admiration and praise

entitlement

a pattern of exploiting others for personal gain

low empathy

envy, jealousy, and distrust

arrogance, haughtiness, and scorn

Diagnosis criteria require these symptoms of narcissistic personality to remain consistent over time and show up in most domains of life. These symptoms may impair a person’s ability to function and relate to others, in general.

A narcissist may engage in controlling behaviors in a relationship, for example. A narcissistic ex may move on quickly as well.

But these narcissistic behaviors won’t just affect romantic relationships. They’ll also show up in the workplace and with family and friends.

Experts typically diagnose the condition in adulthood. Many adults have a narcissistic trait or two, though. This does not automatically mean they have narcissistic personality, especially when these narcissistic traits only show up in specific situations.

For example:

wanting admiration from a romantic partner

holding a proud attitude at work or school

showing entitled behavior at home but nowhere else

Some people experience a handful of symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder that have a severe impact on interpersonal relationships and functioning. Others have several mild traits that nonetheless affect daily life.

The DSM-5 doesn’t detail different types of narcissistic personality, but some experts recognize four types of narcissism:

grandiose (overt) narcissism

vulnerable (covert) narcissism, also called closet narcissism

high-functioning narcissism

malignant narcissism

An important aspect of personality disorders is that typical condition behaviors or symptoms usually cause a great deal of distress to the person.

A closer look at the nine symptoms of narcissitic personality disorder can offer more insight:

Grandiosity and self-importance

Generally speaking, grandiosity is the defining symptom of narcissistic personality disorder.

If the term grandiosity calls to mind “grand,” you’re not far from the mark.

People with narcissistic personality disorder tend to consider themselves grand, important, and better than others.

Grandiose behavior, which helps establish this sense of personal importance, might involve:

bragging about personal achievements and skills

exaggerating or lying about past accomplishments

devaluing or criticizing others

anger or rage when achievements go unrecognized

regularly describing personal attributes, such as intelligence, power, strength, wealth, and attractiveness or sex appeal

If you have the characteristics of a narcissist, you might expect people to recognize you as superior and feel confused or frustrated when they don’t acknowledge your accomplishments.

When others achieve something admirable, you might feel the need to challenge them. For example, you would point out where they went wrong or how they could have done better.

When it comes to covert narcissism, grandiose behavior often goes unrecognized. This is because instead of openly boasting or describing themselves as superior, covert narcissists might dwell on these achievements internally. They would also spend a lot of time fantasizing about their own importance versus talking about it.

[selkyle24]

Surviving and Thriving: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Co-parenting with a narcissist can drive you crazy! A narcissist will try to keep you from your parental and personal rights, and may even attempt to manipulate you or others throughout your custody arrangement. But with some proven strategies, you can cope more effectively and emerge from your divorce stronger.

1. Establish Firm Boundaries 🚧

2. Document Everything 📂

3. Focus on Your Child 🧒

4. Stay Calm and Composed🧘‍♀️

5. Build a Support Network 💙

For more strategies and advice on dealing with a narcissitic ex spouse, check out our guide and share it with others who might find it helpful!

[stayathomesurveys]

173.

Have you ever been hurt by a narcissist? Yeah.

What does forgiveness mean to you? I'm really not sure...

Have you forgiven everyone who’s wronged you? No.

What’s your favorite thing to do at sunrise? Nothing in particular. I'd prefer to be sleeping.

How are you celebrating Earth Day this year? I don’t do anything on Earth Day.

What is God teaching you right now? Patience, perseverance.

What is something you miss from your past? Less responsibilities. More opportunities.

Are you beating yourself up about a stupid decision you made? All the time.

What’s the last dumb decision you made that you beat yourself up over? I'm really regretting quitting the job that I had in Virginia. It was easy, pretty cushy job. The pay was pretty good. They were going to allow me to work hybrid from South Carolina and come into the office when I could make it up there. But they wouldn't give me a day that I needed off to move and then my narcissitic, abusive ex boyfriend left me high and dry one morning so I had no choice but to quit my job and move home to SC the next day. Now I'm having an incredibly hard time finding a job down here and I have no money.

When was the last time you went to church? December 22, 2023 for my ex boyfriend's mom's wedding.

What’s the last song you listened to on repeat? I don't remember.

Have you ever smoked weed, and if yes, did you like it? Yes. It was okay. Not really for me.

Do you have any big regrets in your past? I have many big regrets. 

If you’ve ever talked to a counselor, did it help? Yes. No. Does your town’s hospital have a good reputation? No, but it is improving under new management.

What is your hometown known for? No idea. Don't really care.

What is your hometown’s symbol? ?

Who do you miss from your past? No one really.

Are you longing for and missing a toxic person? No.

What’s your greatest longing? Money.

What are you behind on? Life.

Is there someone who’s stolen from you and never got caught? No idea.

Do you wish you could talk about spiritual things with someone? Not really?

When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? I don't know.

How long has it been since you weren’t lonely? LOL.

Have you been lonely for most of your life? Yup.

What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have a sleeping bag.

When was the last time you used a sleeping bag, and what for? I have no idea.

Do you prefer to sleep under the stars or in a tent? Uhh, idk.

Do you live near the woods? Yes. My backyard is woods/wetlands.

What do you want to be for Halloween this year? List 1-3 ideas. Idk. I probably won't have any plans or reason to dress up.

Does your astrological sign match up to your personality? Yup.

Which bugs do you hate the most? ALL BUGS. But, spiders. Definitely hate those the most.

What is your favorite shade of brown? Coffee brown.

Do people tell you you look sick when you wear a certain color? If yes, what color? Idk.

Do you find yourself exhausted much of the time? All of the time.

Do you find that people call you lazy, even though you’re always exhausted? Yeah, they have.

What color is your toilet seat? White.

Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? Idk. There are pros and cons to both.

What’s one thing you had growing up that you miss now? No responsibilities? Friends?

Do you prefer kale, lettuce, or spinach? Spinach.

[gcmblingdice]

I feel like Im so open about how I feel (and do my best to be certain others are okay to listen) because Im very transparent. I think struggling daily with any mental or psychological disorder shouldnt be shame.

I feel like people still stigmatize it and I want to change that. Its why i try to tag my vents and use read mores.

I just feel so strongly all the god damn time. One set of meds helps me manage my bipolar. The other helps me manage my depression and helps with my adhd and you would think between that and talk therapy and CBT I would be good but nah.

Universe said give her borderline with narcissitic tendencies and co dependancy. We love it and honestly before I was medicated all of it would hit at once. Its why I became an alcoholic, I just couldnt handle it and i wanted an escape. If alcohol didnt then Id make purposefully reckless choices.

My mom was there for me the whole time and honestly we struggling terribly rn tbh and i just figure its best to be open.

So i apologize for how werid I might get but the holidays are rough and even more so cause I really miss my mom and my ex too.

I really miss my ex more than I care to admit. I really hope they are well. Ah well

[sudanesestoic]

A Fleeting Fortnight

Oftentimes we visit places, meet with people and, by mere happenstance, encounter events which occupy a short space of time, yet they eerily inhabit exceptional spots in the far reaches of our memories. Rarely invading our awareness, whenever these ephemeral past moments come to the fore, whether involuntarily or by whatever triggers their recall, we can be forgiven for mistaking them for figments of our own imagination before the switch is flicked in a fraction of a second to realize that they actually took place in that illusory part of our consciousness we refer to as the past. Intriguingly, they trigger an even more acute nostalgia than our long term life-defining experiences. A mere glance at a photo steals us away from the present to relive a moment that lies buried in the distant past with an imperceptible sense of longing. And even though traversing the path that lead us back to this moment then becomes truly appealing, an implacable sense of wistfulness strikes us to counterpoint the genuine desire to succumb to it. Upon discerning that those moments and the way they made us feel then are long gone, an overwhelming gloominess haunts us; specially if the people involved are no longer around or the venues, for whatever reason, won't be seen or visited again. And so as a hedge against this wistfulness I have subconsciously developed a penchant for keeping my past locked away and just staying in good terms with the spontaneity of life right where my 'present' cursor is pointing at. At this very moment, however, an air of valiance surrounds me as I am about to take the audacious step of reliving a bittersweet experience and willingly bear its inherent melancholy: a two-week trip to Thailand to meet with my Thai ex-girlfriend which, according to what the inexorable rigidity of the mirrors of my past reflect, happened for real. Obviously, it will be a burdensome task to conjure up, at length, years of a long distance relationship. Hence I feel it will suffice to provide an abridged account, if you will, of this tempestuous relationship by revisiting its landmarks and turning points and then segue to the lowdown of the only trip I took to see her in the flesh.

💠💠💠

As it is superfluous to point out our inability to foresee the coming to existence of the myriad experiences that would later coalesce to shape our lives, little did I know that this arbitrary encounter would pivot me towards something deeply profound.

It was a quiet evening in the winter of 2012 at my friend's apartment in Chennai, India, where I had spent five years as a student and earned my bachelor degree in Electrical & Electronics Engineering. Out of sheer boredom I whipped out my cellphone and started browsing through my facebook feed. Contrarily, I never was a facebook admirer; as a matter of fact, I despised it to the point that I eventually deleted my account. But it was a time when social media started to get rampant, perfectly coinciding with the outset of the smart phone era and thus being excited about my first ever smart phone, I didn't mind using it for whatever purpose merely for the sake of holding it in my hand. Ironically, it – facebook – proved instrumental in bringing about one of the most notable highlights of my life.... I digress! While scrolling down I paused at a post from a page — I vividly recall its name to be 'positive thinking' — that I was following at the time. I posted a comment and went through the already posted comments before hers in particular caught my attention. I instantly gave it a 'like' and sent her a friend request as I had a feeling she could make a perfect acquaintance. Shortly afterwards she accepted my request and started texting me on my facebook messenger. She seemed rude right off the bat – or feigned rudeness as I could tell – to which I was nonchalant; It actually struck me as funny more than anything. I shrugged off her discourteous remarks and kept responding in a rather cool and indifferent manner. My patience was rewarded though as the convo picked up and before I knew it her manner shifted to one of personable and we started to get along pretty well. I had learned that she was originally from Thailand but resided and worked in Australia (she still does). We came to know briefly about each other and went on to share our thoughts and views in some random topics. We connected sporadically since then but the eagerness to check in and catch up was evident regardless of who reached out first. Five months had elapsed since then. Feeling too gung ho about finally reuniting with my beloved ones after a period of separation that stretched to five odd years, I made my anticipated return to my home country, Sudan, on May 2013 only days after I had obtained and attested my certificates. As it is superfluous to point out our inability to foresee the coming to existence of the myriad experiences that would later coalesce to shape our lives, little did I know that this arbitrary encounter would pivot me towards something deeply profound.

A few weeks after my homecoming we exchanged our contact numbers and other social media accounts and the intimacy between us started to deepen at a rapid pace. There was a burgeoning enthusiasm to chat for longer hours, letting each topic resolve of its own volition before switching to the next one without a trace of boredom. There was a sense that what was going on between us was starting to morph into something which is more than just a mere acquaintance; a subtle uncontrollable attraction. We both seemingly had a visceral conviction that something profound was unfolding judging by the progression of things. A sufficient period of getting to know each other and allowing our feelings to fully mature ran its course before we built up enough courage to open up to each other about our feelings which were equally, and not surprisingly at this point, reciprocated.

And so throwing caution to the winds we took things to the next level. A full-blown long distance relationship finally materialized precisely a year after we first met online. Falling head over heels for each other, despite the seven-hour time difference we would text or video call for hours on end completely oblivious to our surroundings until she would realize it was an hour or two past midnight on her end and that it was time she went to bed (not before saying to each other 'I love you' a multiple times). Likewise, I would stay up past midnight so we could catch up and confab for sometime before I went to bed. The quintessential honeymoon phase that most relationships go through in their nascent stages — an overwhelming excitement amplified by the state of being half-way around the world apart and yet yearning to be within an arm's reach.

• • •

Twists And Turns

Like being awakened all of a sudden in the midst of a beautiful dream by whatever damnable reason, the honeymoon did not last long before a downside to this relationship began to manifest. I was utterly discombobulated as I noticed her demeanor change as suddenly and as unexpectedly. She became temperamental and volatile in a way I would have never imagined she would as if this side to her was obscured by her alluring facade all along, laying in wait for the right time to be unleashed. I was increasingly driven up the wall with her inexplicable immaturity and my attempts to placate her were virtually futile leaving me sometimes with no other option but to ignore her. It was only when I reached the end of my rope, which was more often the case, did she switch back to her charming mode. What truly perplexed me was that after all the frustration she put me through she could always ever so cunningly make me feel good — as though she knew she was my weakness — and my goodness was she industrious when it came to that. I could have sworn she drew pleasure from roiling things deliberately just to keep me perturbed and exasperated. At times I felt the urge to give her a piece of my mind but instead ended up biting back my words as a tradeoff for the contentment I felt from the consolatory recognition that things were back to normal. In retrospect, by doing so I had unwittingly pedestalized her and gave her permission to step all over me. I never looked at it this way until I was later bit by the sobering reality that she was not anything like the picture I painted for her. Anyway, I grew impatient with her incessant emotionally draining gear-switching and reached a point where I was stuck in limbo unable to decide whether I should exert more effort to fix our issues or just take a break from the relationship with a scant hope of rebuilding attraction. Far be it from me to blame her, but her relentless uncalled-for discourtesy made it difficult to resolve what I can only regard, at worst, as misunderstandings – which usually didn't even amount to much to antagonize her. That being said, through the unceasing clashes and reconciliations my love for her was maintained in the backdrop and the hope that things would settle in due time never dissipated.

In the midst of this turmoil — and I wouldn't have asked for a more suitable timing — an unbidden grace happened out of the blue when I finally secured my long-awaited position in my own field of study in a Dubai-based contracting and maintenance company on October 2015 after having spent two arid years in Sudan as a freelance teacher in Maths and English. To my delight, not only was this development a palpable enhancement for me career wise but it also enlivened the relationship and got her ever so thrilled after an eternity of fogginess had taken its toll. The erratic and inconveniencing hot-and-cold patterns suddenly turned into an overdose of charm and sweetness (conspicuously as a reward for this achievement). The honeymoon was resuscitated, only this time it was more intense and lasted a little longer. With this significant step in my life, it is reasonable to think that the relationship must be on the right trajectory now that I was on the way to becoming financially more stable, which should rationalize more maturity from her end so we can seriously start planning our future together. The only thing is, I always seemed to be blinded to the fact that as far as she is concerned no matter how amazing things might appear to be, the shit might just hit the fan at any moment.

Alas, that is exactly what happened!

Only two months into my new job in Dubai another dramatic episode struck and rattled my world. Even though I was in a state of utter shock my thought process was "Well, it is par for the course", while adopting a sanguine mood as a coping mechanism to tackle my disillusionment. Unlike the customary narrative of our previous arguments, I allowed myself this time around to put my foot down and show some fierceness, thinking that a deep conversation where everything is laid out on the table to be dealt with once and for all might just go a long way. Strangely enough I was not surprised by her lukewarm cooperation to reach a compromise. After a sour dispute caused by yet another trivial reason I tried to play things down but she was too stubborn to let go and in just a couple of days I was in for a big surprise. She caught me off-guard when I found out, while I was on duty, that she actually blocked me. To say I could feel the blood in my veins wouldn’t begin to describe the state of lividness that overwhelmed me at the time. "This is just about the last straw", I thought to myself. For the first time ever I had truly contemplated a breakup, having endured a lot already, with no intention whatsoever of reaching out to her as a last-ditch attempt to save the relationship. Besides, I knew full well if I called her she would not pick up. In fact, if anything, she owed me closure since she was the one who pulled away, but that too seemed far-fetched given her disposition.

Paradoxically, despite my resolute stance of not pursuing her, a part of me hoped that she would reach out sooner. Facing up to the fact that it might well be the end of the road for us admittedly left me beyond shaken up and despondent, specially after how we had so naively romanticized our future. Almost two weeks of unyielding silence mixed with an agonizing wait for her call or text message, I conceded that it was a reality check. I somehow convinced myself it was about time anyways and parting ways was perhaps the most optimum resort now that the relationship had seemingly reached a stalemate. Keeping a stiff upper lip, I removed her contact number, our chat threads, photos, voice recordings, videos and pretty much everything that reminded me of her from my phone. I consider myself blessed to have the mental strength that enabled me to assert myself with the belief that she was not the be-all and end-all and thus making it easier to leave the disenchantment behind me and move on.

• • •

An Unforeseen Return

Just as I resigned myself to the fact that I might never hear from her again in this lifetime, she appears as abruptly as she cut me off!

Separated by the width of an entire continent, it will be fitting to assume that my feelings for her will slowly but surely fizzle out and in time I will be well over her. Completely subsumed in the fast metropolitan life — the challenges at work, the commutes, the quotidian indoor and outdoor activities and the occasional convivial social activities — seven months were sufficient to erase any lingering thoughts and memories of her. I seemed to be doing pretty well getting myself accustomed to being single and enjoying life with a sense of freedom whìch was marred by the disquietude that I had endured for most of the time we were together. Things stayed that way until one evening when the unpredictable happened. As I was on the metro on the way back home from work, all exhausted, leaning against a pole and looking out the window with my headphones on, my phone rang. I looked down at the phone screen and raised an eyebrow when I observed that it was an unknown number starting with +61. I was completely flummoxed knowing that the call was definitely from Australia. "Is it her?" I asked under my breath, "who else could it be? I do not know a single soul in Australia other than her". I froze for a few seconds before I hesitantly took the call. My heart skipped a beat when she cleared her throat and said 'hello' in a low voice. Just as I resigned myself to the fact that I might never hear from her again in this lifetime, she appears as abruptly as she cut me off! The timidness in her voice was evident and she spoke with intermittent pauses between her words. Although deep down there was an obscure satisfaction, I tried hard to sound cold and unfazed. I blamed her for the way she ghosted me to which she offered an unconvincing justification. But that did not matter much to me as I could tell from her tone she was desperate to patch things up and be back in my good graces. She made it clear that she still loved me and thought about me throughout the whole time we were separated and that she was more than willing to pick up where we left off. I must admit that was enough to make me feel vindicated and triumphant. Despite the hard feelings that swept me in the past, she managed to talk me into turning over a new leaf. I guess afterall I had fooled myself into believing that my feelings for her must have subsided when in reality I was viscerally missing her, but that subtle feeling was numbed by the day-to-day hustle and bustle until this call happened only to rekindle what was buried deep inside of me.

After almost two hours of talking — starting from the moment I was on the metro, all through the fifteen-minute walk to my building from the metro station and having to stand outside the building for more than an hour — she succeeded in stabbing her hooks into me. Unable to resist the temptation of winning her back, I took a leap of faith and decided to give her a clean slate for which, in hindsight, I consider myself a sinner. Looking back at this decision, I resembled a rehabilitated drug addict who pined for one last dose when it became in their reach. The fact that she could lure me back so effortlessly after having ghosted me for months speaks volumes of how manipulative she was and how I always played second fiddle when it came to determining the flow of the relationship.

Lo and behold, the reconciliation proved different this time! She showed great zeal to take the major step of meeting up which made me believe that she came back with a serious consideration to fully commit. Also, the realization that our feelings, against all the odds, were still very much alive lead me to the firm conviction that we were definitely meant to be together. With my annual leave looming, she suggested it would be the perfect opportunity. We vacillated at first as to whether she should apply for me to visit her in Australia or whether she should fly to Dubai. We finally agreed to meet halfway in her home country, Thailand, as in doing so we would tremendously economize on our travelling expenses. We coordinated to arrive at the same day and we were fortunate enough that the arrival, at Bangkok, of the flights we booked were only about forty minutes apart. I had successfully obtained the visa three weeks prior to our scheduled flights — which were meant to coincide with the first day of my two-week leave. We talked over and over in the last few days leading up to our imminent meeting about how upbeat we were and how we could not wait for that moment to arrive. It was immensely astonishing how things escalated from months of absolutely no contact to actually travelling to see each other in a span of weeks.    

• • •

The long-awaited moment finally arrives

Four years of an emotional rollercoaster boiled down to the evening of Friday, October 28th when we touched down at Bangkok International Airport. I recall it was around the time the king of Thailand who was highly revered by the vast majority across the country passed away and so, just as she asked me to, I donned a black shirt, a black suit jacket and a grey pair of trousers. I stood near the exit gate where she should be awaiting me (she arrived earlier than I did). To say I was at once excited and extremely nervous as I was looking around to spot her is one heck of an understatement... There she was! Sporting a black dress that accentuated her figure, she was fairly exhilarated as she crept up on me all of a sudden and hugged me while her cousin was filming the incredible moment. Her cousin then stepped up and put a garland around my neck as a welcoming gesture. It felt surreal. We were both thrown into a state of euphoria as if no one else was at the airport in that instant other than the two of us. Shortly after we snapped back to our consciousness we met with a friend of hers, a Sydney-based Thai-Australian transgender model, who also happened to fly in from Australia that same evening. To wrap up that spectacular occasion the four of us dined in a restaurant inside the airport. I relished every second talking to her and watching them schmooze in Thai while enjoying every mouthful of my noodles.

After the meal, we parted ways with her friend and took a cab to a hotel which she had already booked beforehand. Her cousin sat in the passenger seat. I sat by the right window while she was lying down with her head resting on my lab and her legs half stretched to occupy the width of the back seat. We didn't talk much on the way. It was more of making eye contact and smiling while I was caressing her brown to golden dip-dyed chin-cut straight hair. I suppose we were still acclimating ourselves to the reality of being able to actually touch one another after having gone through a seemingly endless abyss of gadget communications — characterized by a cycle of emotions that passes through the whole spectrum — made it difficult to envisage that this moment was likely to materialize. We reached the hotel in about fifteen minutes. Her cousin wished us good night and took off in the same cab to her home which is quite a ways from the hotel. As we stepped into our room, in the spur of the moment, we hugged tightly, plumped ourselves down on the bed and I proceeded to plant a long, passionate kiss on her lips. It was already nighttime, so obviously after a long journey and a constellation of feelings, bathing and a long sound sleep would do us good. Something else however - conceivably more likely to happen - was sandwiched between them. Apparently the craving we had for each other couldn’t be subdued by the exhaustion. The moment we came out of the shower we went to that cozy bed, failing to hide our uncontrollable desire for each other’s flesh, and started making love. It was worth every second despite the effect of the combination of exhaustion and excitement of our long-awaited meeting. That was just about the last thing we did in that dream-like evening; The first of what would later turn out to be a memorable fortnight. Here is the most intriguing part though, that fortnight was typically a compressed version of the three preceeding years during which we were distanced by thousands of miles. All the fascinating moments in this short vacation were cancelled out by intermittently recurring tensions and heated conversations. Not surprisingly though provided her disposition.

We spent our first three days in Bangkok. The first day in particular was the most notable. Accompanied by her cousin, we took a train to the city center, wandered around and then had an early lunch in a food court. I wasn’t familiar with the names of the places we've been to for all the signposts, the maps on the train stations and even the announcements were in Thai (and why bother much when she is around?). After the meal, we hit an aquarium which I recall to be just nearby where we spent hours on end - one of the most mesmerizing and captivating you can ever come across. Excitement was never killed for a second given the succession of things we did from boat riding, to watching the penguins swimming and shootig themselves out of water in terrifying speed and sauntering in a labyrinth of tunnels where glass barriers separated us from innumerable types of fish and mammals in basically all directions. We were ever so ecstatic, took pictures, held hands and even kissed. Hours passed before we realized it was time for us to return home, not before we loitered for quite sometime in the city streets and bought a few things though. It rained heavily just as we took the train back. Timely right!

The next day I invited her for lunch in an Arabic restaurant. You can very rarely come across Arabic restaurants especially in that region, but we were lucky to find one a few hundred meters away. Just as I mentioned earlier, it wasn’t meant to be pretty all the way. Her mood was far from right ever since we woke up. In fact, she was the complete opposite of the lively person she was the day before. Well, that is indeed par for the course. She blamed me for waking up late that morning and hence missing breakfast at the hotel's buffet. Only after we finished the meal and left the restaurant she started to interact with me normally. I seriously expected her to at least try to act nice and behave in a more appropriate way for the sake of this short vacation and above all 'our very first meeting'. But alas, expectations aren’t always met. She just cannot control her mood swings no matter what the circumstance or situation might be. I was shocked to realize how hostile and inconsiderate she could get, making a fuss out of trivial things and refusing to talk to me for hours (or even a whole day! It happened!), whether we were shopping, dining, taking a walk or even lying on bed!

On the third day she suggested we go to Rayong which is a four-hour road trip from Bangkok. The town where she grew up and spent most of her early years and also where her family’s business and some of their properties are established. We took a mini bus from the bus terminal around fourish and reached Rayong at night time. She made a reservation beforehand in a very decent condo where we spent the remaining days of our vacation. A period I may describe as exquisite and also equally stressful and dramatic. On the one hand, we saw places and did plenty of activities that I truly enjoyed. On the other hand, our quarrels were so heated that I decided to return to Dubai a week before my actual return date to end this nightmare once and for all. I made this rash decision because I couldn’t bare the incessant irrational quarrels. I went by myself to the agency and booked a flight back to Dubai on the evening of the very next day. Only while we were having lunch the next day, only hours before my flight, she made efforts to convince me not to go. She cried after the meal insisting that she was just being emotional and that she didn't expect me to react so fiercely and take the drastic step of leaving without a second thought. I am amazed how she could switch gears between her personalities and roil my emotions in the process.

I must admit her tears and confessions got me a little lenient and sympathetic and compelled me to retract my decision and continue staying for the remaining days of my supposed vacation. As she triumphed, which is usually the case, she contacted the agency and postponed the flight date for another week (the actual return date I previously booked) and of course paid the booking cost in consequence. This incident was a turning point I must say. And it happened unfortunately after a string of squabbles over silly matters spoiled moments that could add up to the remarkable memories. I fully reconciled myself to the fact that she would never change and in any second her mood might just swing the other way just like a pendulum to start another fuss out of the blues. Things started to get better and yet deep down I was still very cautious and alert around her. Anyone in their right frame of mind would agree that such kind of affairs is far from what is generally perceived as ‘love’ where a couple can reciprocate their feelings candidly while working out things together. I just couldn’t find my rhythm around her and felt like I wasn’t myself most of the time as though she is some sort of emotional vampire. 

The following days amazingly passed without any trouble that I could think of. Not only were our daytimes wonderful, but even between the sheets we had mind blowing sex and cuddled and talked till we fell asleep. Not incidentally, as our quarrels significantly lessened, the inclination for sex intensified and even our climaxes got more pleasurable.

She took me to the plaza where their business is set up in a fine evening. A well-established electrical shop managed by her mom and sister-in-law and a repair shop run by her brother side by side. We then went to a quiet restaurant bar, along with her brother and two of his pals, in motorbikes (I rode with her brother and she rode with one of his pals while the other rode on his own), had dinner and heineken beer to wash it down and played some games to keep things interesting. It goes to show you that verbal communication isn't the only imperative means to having a meaningful connection between people. Afterall smiles and friendly gestures are part of the rudimentary universal human interactions.

The fact that the frequency of conflicts has palpably diminished was such a relief for me and allowed me to find more meaning in connecting with the person I traveled thousands of miles to spend time with. Although her mood swings could be a worrisome distraction, her spontaneity meant excitement was always in the air and coming up with ideas to occupy the daytime was never a concern; shopping in malls, buying fruits and vegetables from local markets, going out for traditional meals or simply strolling hand-in-hand and having dinner in a cozy wooden hut by the beach.

Of course the evening she hired a bike and took me for an exquisite dinner in a hotel perfectly situated in a hill is still and will ever remain fresh in my mind. It was a spectacular ride in an enchanting road that led to the hill. Eerily, we rarely came across a vehicle along that road as though we were heading towards some abandoned village uphill, giving her the freedom of turning around to flash a smile every now and then. Well, ruin was the complete opposite of what I saw when we reached. The entrance to the hotel was a museum of some sort where some old-fashioned cars were standing to the side. We proceeded through a long passage where antique pieces and pictures were kept in shelves along the way. The quietude and heavenly ambiance of that place almost felt like a temple that alters your consciousness altogether, so mesmerizing in a way that is tremendously suggestive of taking some snaps, which we did. The passageway led to a spacious dining area that is situated out in the open for the hotel residents with a different range of cozy dining sets overlooking the eye-catching heights in the vicinity, the lush greenery and a coastline (not sure what that body of water was exactly). As we sat, I took a moment to glance at the windows and balconies of the hotel rooms and saw no one standing in the balcony or any light emerging from the windows despite the fading away of the sun in the horizon. There was no sign that those rooms were occupied as though it was some sort of a ghost hotel. Had it not been for the several waiters standing outside I would have easily thought that the unoccupied tables around us are in fact occupied by ghosts. Perhaps the road leading to the hill and the hotel that evening were deliberately emptied out in anticipation of our visit to complement the lovely atmosphere with an undistracted romantic dinner. 

Time – seemingly dilating and contracting with the succession of wonderful and stressful moments – passed and I was suddenly awakened to the fact that in less than 24 hours we will part ways. The next day would be my flight and hers would be a few days later. The one thing I regretted as I reached this realization is that we failed to have meaningful conversations through all these days, conversations that would decide our very possible bond in the near future. All we ever did was going out, eating, fighting, reconciling, having sex and sleeping. Fourteen chaotic days ended up with a quiet dinner and evening with the only exciting prospect of sex later on in our last night.

I always had the impression that the day of travelling is a short one bearing in mind the preparation time which always seem insufficient, the final packing, the trip to the airport itself and the check-in and departure procedures. Surprisingly, after days of serenity, squabbles erupted again in the dying moments as we were all set to start our journey to the airport. The last few hours I thought would suitable for a meaningful discussion were tainted by a meaningless argument over yet another trivial matter, just what I could do without. Throughout the journey she was picking at me and I was responding, a familiar vignette that was only intervened by brief moments of silence when she was well aware that a few hours are separating us from my departure. Her cousin met with us at the airport as soon as we arrived and we went to a cafeteria for some desserts and coffee. We were all talking, laughing and taking pictures but at the same time deep down I felt shattered and lost. Nothing sapped my energy and tortured me emotionally in my life as much as she did. Just how inconsiderate of her to ruin the atmosphere so callously and flagrantly and send me back home in such a miserable mood. Every time I looked upon her the only words that crossed my mind were “you are not the one for me! I deserve better than this”. I kept looking at my wrist, counting the minutes to start my check-in process, feeling so eager to say goodbye. I felt an inner peace as I hugged her, kissed her goodbye and gazed at her eyes that that was arguably the last time we ever touch.                                                                                

A fine evening by the beach...

With an eye to the idiosyncratic way in which our paths have merged for a period of time and then diverged I wonder whether our past and current circumstances, the places we go to, the people we meet and our interactions with them came to exist by accident or by an intelligent design that forms the paths which we are peremptorily assigned to traverse. My firm conviction, however, is that whatever we shared - the lengthy phone conversations, the unstable long distance relationship that still managed to prevail despite the many arguments and uncertainties until we met, the things we did, the meals we had, the places we’ve been to, the very beds we made love on, and our final breakup - were all meant to happen as they came and in them are surely lessons to be heeded. That fortnight was an adventure unlike any other I’ve encountered. Nevertheless, it is but an illusion now just like last hour, my final year in university, and my tenth birthday. If life is perceived this way, then we can describe it as a series of grievances over dead experiences falling away like sheer cliffs. The aliveness of the moment, however - regardless of its beauty or dreadfulness - with our eyes fixated on the moments ahead, is a consolatory recognition that will perennially keep nullifying these grievances with newfound hope and drive for fresh experiences.              

[nionovachristiana]

A coming-back ex is an ex who will do the same mistakes with little modification.

[fuckeditup31]

With all my pain, sorrow and guilt,

I won’t be the same I was,

I’m doing good where I did wrong,

And little by little helping everyone

I’m starting to be proud of the person I’m becoming

[skippyv20]

What could the BRF have done before that the Markles would not have used to their advantage to claim racism or bolster their claims of being treated unfairly ? By the BRF waiting - Meghan and Harry can't even get seats filled at the UN. By waiting, Meghan's mouth has united South Africa against her.

I believe by not responding the BRF are best serving the UK and Commonwealth. It shows they are focusing on what matters - helping the public with their charities and performing the duties the public pays them to do. The UK and the world for that matter have more pressing issues than 2 ex-royals spouting off from their mansion.

The BRF limiting their responses to the Markles gave more weight to the Queen's "Recollections may vary" and William's "We're very much not a racist family". To do more would only give the narcissitic Markles more fuel and more attention. She wants them to engage, she wants them to take the titles so she can call herself the Princess of Wales (yes I know it is Princess Henry of Wales but that won't matter to MM)

For me, the non-responses from the BRF is as powerful a statement as the Markles being sat in the second row in front of the world.

Honestly, as an American sick of the neverending dueling sound bites from our politicians, I admire the BRF for their never complain, never explain when it comes to the Markles. If we look back at the Markles following right after Megxit to now - it really is remarkable how quickly the Markles have destroyed themselves.

I love your writing…..so enjoyable to read. You make perfect sense. However, the one big concern is….when HM passes away (long live the Queen) the coronation….it will be too late by then, and she will be included….timing is everything….❤️

[ylove-bandaesthetics]

I just love that Dahvie tried to destory Ash’s career and fucking failed. Same for NYD’s ex guitarist. Fuck Frankie Sil!

Omg fucking seriously though! What pissed me off the most is his narcissitic ass literally tried to make her beg for forgiveness ON HER KNEES?! Like who the hell does he think he is?! The audacity is real! Especially after he legit tried to kill her?! And the fandom still sent her hate on his behalf? Just wow. I still cannot believe everything she went through with him, how traumatizing! And again, he committed assault and is still free. And ugh yes!! Fuck frankie too! They both could rot! 💯

[gcmblingdice]

I talk about my mental health alot, especially my borderline. I truly wanna dispel all the stigma around this personality disorder, especially since it is comorbid with bipolar 1 and 2.

Favorite people are important to us and we never just choose willingly. It just happens. For me i have multiple favorite people who make or break me and truly have control over me. Happily while having an fp and bpd can make you toxic if left unchecked, we also most loyal, but we can in general be a lot.

For the past month I've been trying to break up with my fp i have had since i was in school. I didn't know i was borderline until 4 or 5 years ago. This fp is also borderline and unlike me who has sought help and been trying to manage so i never get that bad again( people who known me long enough know what Im talking about). They are not seeking help and in a plot twist I am their fp.

They are also a narcissit and while I have those tendencies i try so so hard to not. They've always been toxic to me in some way or form, but they were familiar. We trauma bond and went through so mucj, but its too much. They remind me so much of one of my exes that i cannot. So Ive been setting boundaries, but now ive taken to blocking. They make so many fb accounts to try and add and i wanna go back because they understand. My FP i have now, they are wonderful, but part of me is tired and wants them back, but i know they're draining me and now that Ive been in therapy, on correct meds for my bipolar and depression, which allowed me to really notice how bad the bpd was amd still is sometimes, and I look at them begging they get help. I know it must be as maddening for them as it is and was for me..

But this whole thing has triggered me so bad and of all my fp they were the only one like less than hour from me. Its been hard among other shit going on and I am trying so hard, but I am sorry if I cant manage and control it. Im practicing mindfulness and my CBT excetcises but it really is so hard going through this break up so Im sorry for any weird or toxic behavior or erratic shenanagins. Im really trying.