#narcan is just awesome

[tigerisout]

highly recommend going to in-person trainings, not because it is difficult to use but because it’s good to practice something before you are in Emergency Mode. Narcan is awesome n saves lives!

(anyone I’ve talked to who has used narcan on someone has said the person will probably vomit - watch your shoes)

what do you mean reverse an overdose? How is that possible?

Hi anon.

So, in my most recent post where I was talking about reversing overdoses, I was talking about Narcan (naloxone).

Narcan is a medicine that can reverse opioid overdoses. It works on any opioids, including fentanyl, heroin, oxy, vicodin, etc. It isn't effective in reversing other kinds of drug overdoses, but would still work to reduce an overdose if your coke has fent in it, for example. It functions by blocking the opioid receptors in your brain and helps restore breathing. Narcan is not a dangerous medication, and it is not harmful to your brain, which means you can be dosed multiple times without increasing harm to your body. The experience of being Narcaned can be pretty fucking shitty, because it basically puts your body in withdrawal super super fast, and you might experience some of the effects of withdrawal like vomiting, body aches and chills, fatigue, etc. But there are not other harmful side effects outside of that. Narcan is safe to give to people of all ages, including children.

Narcan comes in both an nasal spray and intramuscular injections, but it's usually easier to get access to nasal spray. This is what Narcan looks like:

[ID: Someone holding a narcan nasal spray, which has a nozzle that can be placed into someone's nose, and a plunger underneath the nozzle that can be pushed up to administer a dose. Text on the image says: Do not test nasal spray device before use. Each device contains 1 dose of medicine. Each device sprays one time only.]

How to Use Narcan

Identify signs of Overdose

Check for Responsiveness

Administer Narcan

Support (other friends/911/medics)

To administer Narcan, you first need to identify if someone is overdosing. Signs of an opioid overdose can be when someone is unconscious, unresponsive, not breathing or slowly breathing, no pulse or erratic pulse, has pinpoint pupils, and/or has blue lips.

If you see some of these things and think that someone is overdosing, the next step is to check for responsiveness. You can do this by loudly calling the person's name, saying that you are going to Narcan them, gently shaking them, and by performing a sternum rub, which is where you rub your knuckles into the place in someone's chest where their ribs meet. If they're breathing and they respond, even if it's just making noises in response to you or physically pushing your hands away, that can be a sign that you don't need to administer Narcan right away. Still, in that case, it's a really good idea to stay with that person in case that changes. If, and only if, the person is completely unresponsive, you should administer Narcan.

Once you've determined that someone is unresponsive and overdosing, the next step is actually administering Narcan. Narcan comes in packs of two nasal sprays. Take the first nasal spray out of the box, put the nozzle in the person's nose, and press the plunger. If the person is still not responsive after 2-3 minutes, take the other nasal spray out of the box and give them another dose. I try to use the lowest number of doses possible to try to reduce the withdrawal experience, and I stop giving Narcan once someone is breathing and responsive. If they still are not responsive or breathing, and you know how to give rescue breaths, you can start administering rescue breaths. If you have to step away for any reason, turn the person on their side in the recovery position first.

After someone's overdose is reversed, it's really important that whenever possible, someone stays with them for at least an hour afterwards. Narcan is active in the body for about 30-90 minutes, so depending on what someone's original amount of opioids was, they might start overdosing again and need you to give them Narcan again. This is also why it can be important to try not to use again right away, which is really fucking shitty when you're trying to use cause you don't want to be sick, but unfortunately using right away can also put you at risk of overdosing again. When people come back after getting Narcaned, it can be a pretty disorienting and uncomfortable experience. You might not know who Narcaned you or why they're in your space, might be feeling really fucking shitty because of withdrawal, and might want to be left alone. If you've just Narcaned someone, introduce yourself and explain that you just gave them Narcan, listen to what they tell you, empathize with their feelings, respect people's boundaries, and give them space if they ask for it. Understand that they're probably feeling pretty fucking shitty in their body, that it fucking sucks when your high gets ruined, and they (justifiably) might not feel happy about the fact that you Narcaned them.

Pretty much all Narcan trainings will tell you that it's "recommended" to always call 911, but we all know that this is not always actually possible in a lot of situations and that cops always fucking make the situation worse. My policy is that I always, always ask for consent before calling 911 and if someone says no, then we brainstorm other ways of keeping safe and we don't fucking call the cops. If there's a situation where I do need to call 911, I never tell the operator that someone overdosed, because that usually gets them to send out the cops alongside ambulance, which can cause delays to care, put a lot of people at risk, and also put people, including bystanders, in legal danger. If I have to call 911, I say that my friend has collapsed/fainted/isn't breathing and keep it more vague, and when paramedics actually arrive on the scene, that's when I tell them more information about the overdose, what drugs someone took, and how many times I've administered Narcan.

You can get free Narcan a lot of places. Next Distro has resources for getting free Narcan by mail for almost every state. If there's harm reduction orgs in your area, they will have free Narcan. There's also a lot of Department of Health programs for free Narcan. Most pharmacies now also have Narcan available over the counter, but that's usually really fucking expensive and often pretty hard to shoplift cause they keep locking it up.

Even if you don't use drugs and you think that your loved ones don't use drugs, it's super important to have Narcan as a part of your first aid kit and learn how to use it. You never know when you're going to need to use it, and it's super good to be prepared ahead of time, in case your friend/family/neighbor/classmate/coworker ends up overdosing while you're there. Or in case you end up overdosing and having Narcan on you means that bystanders can help support you through it.

Here's a guide that goes a little more in depth into how to use Narcan.

Please feel free to ask if you have any other questions about Narcan or other harm reduction topics!

[fuck-customers]

I work in a public library. People come in drunk/high/etc, so all staff have been trained on what to do in a situation like an OD. Today, a very annoying regular told me I needed to call 911. I asked him why, because he and his friends come in wicked high all the time--I was obviously ready to call emergency services or get the Narcan, because that's the normal response, but ESPECIALLY for this particular patron and his friends.

He started cracking up at my reaction and told me that he just needed a colored pencil sharpened. His friend from across the room started cracking up too. He kept coming up to laugh and say how awesome it was that he "got" me so good (he said he could tell because I looked so worried, like no shit I looked worried), and how he used to get the previous person in my position all the time with that joke. 

I used to think this dude was just annoying (super rude, comes in high all the time and is super loud and disrespectful of the space and other people, super dumb but the kind of dumb where they act like you're the idiot because they don't understand you, and when he's sober, he's just plain mean to people and acts like staff should be waiting on him hand and foot), but I actually hate him for real now. Like fuck off dude, really not a funny goofy joke. 

[tragicallyuncreative]

Before The Fall: Chapter 3 Excerpt

Just a little sneak peak- busy week/ weekend with the start of classes/ clinicals but got to insert 2 urinary caths/ assist with a PICC placement and bone marrow biopsy, and narcan my favorite addict who lives on the corner so I'm a happy healthcare girlie (which is my new favorite term coined by @fangirl-docintraining ). Hoping to post chapter 3 soon and working on chapter 3 of ATEOTR. Have a good week, friends!

Darrel

“So them red streaks surrounding it were done for decoration?” I poked at the half-finished eagle tattoo adorning his right bicep. He’d been boasting about it for weeks and had one session left to get the color filled out. He cringed away, hissing. “Who did this, anyways?”

“Buck’s cousin is gettin’ his license and does ‘em real cheap, cuz he needs the practice hours. Soda, he said he’ll do the pop bottle one on your arm whenever ya want, man. You should get it done next weekend when I get mine finished. They gonna look awesome.” They high-fived, and I had the strong urge to knock their heads together.

“Over my dead body, Sodapop Patrick. You’d get gangrene.”

Two-Bit was studying Steve’s tattoo with a look of both fascination and horror. “Jesus fuck man, that looks bad. You probably got chlamydia or somethin’ from a used needle.”

“Pretty sure that ain’t how it works, Two-Bit,” Ponyboy supplied helpfully.

[sugdenlovesdingle]

It's finally done!

And only three days late!

my @911reversebang fic

California (AO3) inspired by the awesome art by redpinkdots

TK doesn't move to Austin with Owen after his OD but decides to check himself into rehab to get clean once and for all. Only reading websites is hard and things aren't exactly the way he thought they would be.

A/N: I got this idea the first time I saw the artwork and I was so excited when I got assigned this. But life™ kind of got in the way and I really struggled with this fic in more ways than one. Though I'm pretty happy with the result in the end and I hope you'll enjoy it too. And just FYI - all I know about both California and rehab facilities is what I've seen and heard in various tv shows and quick google searches... so it's probably hella inaccurate... but just go with it.

TW: Mentions of TK's overdose and addiction

TK opened his eyes and closed them again right away. The bright lights hurt his eyes and he groaned trying to remember where he was and how he’d gotten there. Because he definitely wasn’t in his bed in his apartment.

“TK? Are you awake?” a familiar voice asked but the fog in his brain wouldn’t lift enough for him to put a face and name to it.

“Welcome back mister Strand. You gave everyone quite the scare.” Someone else said and this time TK was sure he didn’t know them.

Someone, possibly the same person, adjusted his blanket and suddenly he noticed a beeping noise.

He opened his eyes a tiny bit and saw nothing but bright and white.

His brain needed a minute to process the information.

Hospital.

Again.

Shit.

He squeezed his eyes shut yet again.

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m here. We both are.”

“Dad?” he asked, or more like croaked. His throat hurt and his mouth was dry.

“Yeah, I’m here. It’s ok. You’re going to be ok.” He felt his dad squeeze his hand.

Someone grabbed his other hand and when TK turned his head to look at them, a white hot knife was slammed into his brain.

Or at least that’s how it felt.

He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in and out a few times to get the pain to subside.

In through his nose, out through his mouth.

Suddenly a familiar scent hit his senses and this time he knew exactly what it meant.

“Mom?”

Her perfume was always a comfort to him. Ever since he was a little boy. Only now it reminded him of how much he’d let her down. Again.

“Yes sweetheart I’m here. I’m right here. You’re going to be ok. I’ll make sure of it.”

He slowly opened his eyes again and saw his mother sitting next to his hospital bed.

“What happened?”

“We were hoping you could tell us.” His dad said from his other side.

“Owen.” Gwyn warned him and then turned to her son. “You’re in hospital… they uh… they had to pump your stomach. Your dad found you in your apartment.”

“You OD-ed. You weren’t breathing. I had to use Narcan to bring you back.” Owen told him and seemed to struggle to swallow past the lump in his throat. “If we’d been just a little bit later…”

“But you weren’t.” Gwyn cut in, clearly eager to move the conversation along. “Just… try to get some rest and when you’re ready, you can tell us what happened.” She squeezed TK’s hand.

“What time is it?”

“About 4.30.” Owen answered after glancing at his watch. “Don’t worry, the nurses won’t kick us out after visiting hours.”

“No�� I… I have to go.” TK said, trying to sit up and ignore the pain in his body. “My shift starts at 5. I have to go. I can’t be late.”

“Wow, wow, wow. TK calm down. Son. TK.” Owen tried, getting up from his seat and trying to make TK stay in bed.

“Tyler Kennedy Strand.” Gwyn started and TK knew he was in trouble whenever his mother used his full name. “You stay in that bed and rest until someone with MD behind their name says otherwise.”

TK considered his options for a minute and then relaxed under his father’s grip and sagged back against the bed.

Owen squeezed his shoulder.

“You’ve been through a lot. Just take your time. The guys understand.”

“They know?”

Owen glanced at Gwyn for help before taking a deep breath.

“What? What’s going on?” TK asked.

“Some of them were with me when I found you. The others I had to tell when you didn’t show up for your shift.”

“What? My shift starts at five.”

“No… Your shift started at five on Sunday. It’s Wednesday now. You’ve been in a coma for three days.”

“What? I… how… That… It can’t be.”

“I’ll leave you to it.” The voice from before said and this time TK glanced around and saw a nurse of around his age. “The doctor will be around later to asses you.” She told him and left.

“Asses me? What does that mean?”

His parents shared a look.

“I think they’ll want to do a psych evaluation… to determine if you need to be admitted as a suicide risk.” Owen said after a beat.

TK sighed and closed his eyes.

“Great.”

“Should they?”

He opened one eye.

“Should they what?”

“Admit you as a suicide risk?”

“What? No!” TK said immediately but the look on his parents faces told him he wasn’t very convincing. “I don’t know… I’m pretty tired. I think I just need to get some rest.” He turned away from Owen.

Unfortunately that meant he was now facing his mother.

“Does it have something to do with Alex?” Gwyn asked and TK felt his heart shatter all over again at the mention of his boyfriend’s name. Or ex-boyfriend now he supposed. “I know you were going to propose… and he’s not here now…”

TK threw an accusing glare over his shoulder at his father.

“You told her?”

“I didn’t realise it was a secret. You were all but shouting it from the Empire State building.”

“It wasn’t your news to share! I would have told her myself if there was something to tell!”

“So is there something to tell?” Gwyn interrupted, well trained in stopping arguments between her son and ex-husband before they could explode.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” TK said, pulling the blanket up to his ears and closing his eyes. “I’m tired.”

---

A few days, multiple tests, and a mandatory psych evaluation later, TK found himself back in his childhood bedroom in his mom’s apartment.

He’d fought his parents tooth and nail to let him go back to his own place, insisting he was fine, but they’d blatantly refused.

He’d overheard Owen making calls to clear his schedule so he could be there for him, and his mom had told him she’d be working from home for the foreseeable and it was up to him to decide which parent he’d move in with.

He’d picked her because at least she’d be working and wouldn’t be hovering over him 24/7 like his dad would if neither of them would have anything to do all day.

He knew it was because they cared, but he just wanted to wallow in peace.

He rolled over in the small single bed to check his phone. Mostly out of habit since it had died on him days ago and his charger was still on his bedside table in his apartment.

Deep down he knew that if he’d been left alone with a fully charged phone, he would have ended up doing something he’d regret.

Something like calling Alex and begging him to take him back. Or yelling at him and calling him every name under the sun.

Possibly both.

But he was petty enough not to want to admit that to either of his parents.

Suddenly a knock on his bedroom door snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Permission to enter without you taking your bad mood out on me?”  

TK looked up and pushed himself up on his elbows.

“Enzo?”

“Hey kid, I come in peace.”

“What are you doing here? Did mom send you to check up on me?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny.” Enzo said, sitting down in TK’s desk chair.

“That’s a yes then.” TK said and sat up. “Wait, how did you get in? I didn’t hear the doorbell and mom is at the office.”

Enzo held up a keyring with several keys on it.

“There is this great invention called keys. They let you get into places without ringing the doorbell.” He joked.

“You have a key to this place?”

“Of course.”

TK narrowed his eyes.

“Are you and mom back together?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny.” Enzo replied with a grin. “And I’m not here to talk about me. How are you holding up?”

TK shrugged.

“Mostly bored. Daytime tv sucks and I’m getting sick of staring at these walls. But it’s better than mom and dad constantly hovering over me and checking up on me.”

“Don’t you think they have good reason to do that? It’s not like you stubbed your toe.”

“I know.” TK sighed and let himself fall back on his bed. “I just want to forget it happened. All of it. But I can’t. Dad put me on medical leave and mom made me come back here instead of letting me go back home.”

Enzo nodded.

“She told me.”

TK rolled onto his side, leaning on his elbow.

“She won’t leave me alone for more than an hour. She’s only gone now because she absolutely had to go to the office and couldn’t get out of it. And now she’s sent you to babysit me.”

“I’ve had worse afternoons.” Enzo shrugged.

TK let out a grunt and dropped back onto his bed again, trying to ignore the feeling of being thirteen and grounded for doing something stupid while Enzo tried to get him to talk about why he’d done what he did.

“I didn’t… plan it…” TK started after a while. “I just… I wanted… to stop feeling.”

“And taking a bunch of pills was the way to do that?”

“I know it was stupid alright? But I wasn’t thinking clearly.” TK admitted and sat up again. “I proposed to Alex and he turned me down.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. And then he told me he was in love with his spin instructor and they’d been dating behind my back.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I thought we had a future together, he was just trying to get rid of me. I’m such an idiot.”

“You trusted the guy you fell in love with. That doesn’t sound so idiotic to me.”

TK shook his head.

“I always do this. I fall for a guy who doesn’t like me back or just wants something casual.”

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now…” Enzo started and waited until he had TK’s full attention. “But one day, and I hope that day will come soon, you’re going to meet someone who is as crazy about you as you are about him. And you’re going to be so happy. So happy that this will be nothing but a bad memory.”

“You’re right. That’s not what I want to hear.” TK told him and looked down at his duvet. “And it’s never going to happen anyway. I’m damaged goods. Nobody is going to want to be with me.”

---

“If you’re going to my place to get clean clothes you might as well take me with you.” TK pleaded with his father. “I’ll stay where you can see me the whole time, I promise. I just want my phone charger and my laptop. I’m not going to score, I’m just bored.”

It was a few days after his talk with Enzo, and after some pushing from his stepfather, he’d told his parents why he’d taken the pills.

It had both cleared the air and made them hover and smother him even more. He was going stir crazy and would do just about anything to get out of the apartment.

Owen hesitated for a minute but then sighed.

“Fine. We can’t keep you locked in here forever I suppose.”

“Exactly.” TK jumped up from his seat and went to grab his jacket. “Come on, let’s go.”

They decided to walk to TK’s apartment instead of getting the subway in the middle of rush hour.

“Maybe we can stop by the station on the way back. So I can let the guys know I’m ok and I’ll be back at work soon.”

“Back at work? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Did you call that therapist for an appointment?”

“What? No. I don’t need one. I just need to get back to work. Like you said, I can’t keep hanging around mom’s apartment all day and you can’t keep getting Enzo to check up on me when you’re at work.”

“He offered to stop by! He wanted to catch up and see how you were doing.”

“Well I’m fine.” TK insisted. “And I’d be even better if you’d let me go back to work.”

“I will. Once your therapist signs off on it.” Owen told him and then lowered his voice. “You nearly died TK. You overdosed. I know why you did it, I know it wasn’t an accident, and I can’t let you go back on shift when you’re not in the right headspace. You’d be putting the whole team at risk.”

TK rolled his eyes and started walking faster, zigzagging between commuters and groups of tourists in an attempt to shake off his dad. It was petty and childish but in that moment he didn’t care.  

He reached his apartment door with Owen far enough behind to not even be in sight, which pleased his inner angry teenager greatly. He put a hand in his pocket to grab his keys, only to remember he didn’t have them on him.

His dad had been to his apartment to get him a change of clothes when he’d been released from hospital and had taken his keys.

“Great.” He muttered and sat down in front of his door to sulk and wait for his dad.

Only when he heard footsteps approaching a few minutes later, it wasn’t Owen who came round the corner.

“Alex.”

“TK. Hey.” Alex smiled and TK hated that he still got butterflies in his stomach from just being near him.

“What are you doing here?”

“Just coming to see how you are. I don’t like the way we left things.” Alex explained. “I’ve been trying to call you but it keeps going to voicemail.”

“Phone is dead.” TK snapped. “And even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t want to talk to you.”

“Oh come on TK. People break up all the time. We can still be friends, right?”

TK snorted.

“Friends? Do you really think I want to be friends with you?” He stood up. “You broke my heart, Alex. I loved you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you! I proposed!”

“Yeah… well… you always were more into it all than me.”

“Just go Alex. Leave me alone.” TK sighed and turned his back to the other man, wishing again he had his keys on him.

“I uh… actually… needed to talk to you…? I uh… lost my sunglasses. The designer ones I bought last summer? Did I leave them at your place?”

“Are you for real?!” TK exploded, just as Owen rounded the corner.

“What’s going on here?”

“I was just asking TK if I’d left my sunglasses at his place.” Alex explained, trying to sound casual. He knew full well Owen didn’t like him.

“After he dumped me for his spin instructor when I proposed to him!” TK yelled. “You cheated on me for god knows how long and if I hadn’t proposed you still wouldn’t have told me!”

“That’s not true. I wanted to tell you. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”

“How considerate.” TK said sarcastically. “Just go away and leave me alone. I don’t have your stupid sunglasses. Maybe ask your other boyfriend if he’s seen them.” He held his hand out to Owen. “Keys please.”

Owen handed him the keys and put himself between TK and Alex, staring the man down.

“TK doesn’t want to talk to you and if you don’t leave now, I know some people in the NYPD who might want to talk to you instead.”

“Breaking up with someone is not a crime.”

“Maybe not. But harassment is.”

“TK just let me have a quick look around for my sunglasses. I know I wore them last time I came over.” Alex said, attempting to step around Owen to get to TK but Owen stopped him with a glare and a hand on his chest.

“I think you should leave. Now. Before I do something I regret.”

“Are you threatening me Captain Strand?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Now leave.”

After a minute Alex decided to cut his losses.

“Let me know if you find them!” he called out to TK before turning and walking down the stairs.

Owen rolled his eyes and walked into TK’s apartment, doing his best to ignore the place he’d found TK barely two weeks ago, pale, cold, and barely holding onto life.

Thankfully this time, TK was alive and well and shoving clothes into a bag.

“Do you need me to grab anything?” Owen offered.

“Bathroom.” TK replied, voice breaking as if he was trying not to cry. Owen decided to leave him be for now and just busied himself gathering TK’s shampoo and shaving kit.

Maybe they could make a quick stop downtown after all on the way back to Gwyn’s place. Seeing the crew might cheer him up and take his mind off things.

---

Despite Owen’s best efforts, TK hadn’t cheered up from a visit to their firehouse and had barely left his bedroom since they’d gotten back to Gwyn’s place.

He was worried about him and he knew Gwyn was too.

Almost a week had passed without TK making any kind of move to pick himself back up and Owen had convinced Gwyn to stage an intervention with him to pull TK out of his own mind.

That’s where they were now. The three of them sat at Gwyn’s kitchen table, staring each other down, none of them really knowing where to start.

“I don’t know what your plan was, but if it was just us sitting here, staring at each other, you can do it without me.” TK said and pushed his chair back and got up.

“TK. Sit down.” Gwyn told him and reached out for his hand. “Please. Your father and I just want to talk to you.”

TK sighed and sat back down.

“About what? That I should go to therapy? Or NA? That you’ll be there for me every step of the way? That it’ll be good for me?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, gearing up for a fight.

“I got offered a job.” Owen interrupted. “In Austin, Texas. Rebuilding a firehouse that lost almost its entire crew.”

“Ok.” TK said after a minute of letting the sudden change of subject sink in. “Good for you, dad.”

“I think I’m going to take it.”

TK nodded.

“So you’re moving to Texas then.”

“Yeah… I… we… your mother and I… we both think you should come with me.”

“What? No way. My life is here. My friends, my job.”

“You’ll make new friends. Better friends.”

“Friends who don’t use.” TK deadpanned.

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Owen asked. “And you’ll have a job at the firehouse with me.”

“So you can check up on me.” TK said, daring him to disagree. “And why would I move to hate crime, USA? I’m gay, dad. And Jewish. Texas isn’t the most welcoming place for people like me.”

“I’m sure a big city like Austin isn’t so bad.” Gwyn offered. “If you want to go back to temple I can reach out and ask for recommendations for LGBT+ friendly places in Austin.”

“I’m not moving to Texas!” TK yelled and got up and started pacing. “I actually found a rehab place in California. I emailed them to ask if they have a place for me. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure there was anything to tell, but if they get back to me and tell me I can come, I’m going.  A few weeks of yoga on the beach and I’ll be fine. I’ll be able to go back to work and actually do the things I trained for instead of hanging around this place all day.”

“California?” Gwyn interrupted. “When did you find that place?”

“The other day. When we got back from packing up my stuff.”

“Ok. And what kind of place is it? Can you show me the website?”

“It’s just this wellness thing. I don’t have the details right now.” TK brushed her off and turned his attention to his phone when it buzzed in his pocket.

“If it’s yoga you want, I can go to yoga classes with you here. You don’t need to go to the other side of the country.” Owen offered. “Just no goat yoga. I’ve heard weird things about that.” He tried to joke to relieve the tension.

TK didn’t reply just focused on his phone.

“Everything alright? TK?”

“Uh yeah, yeah… I just got an email from that place in California I found… they have a place for me. I can start the program as soon as tomorrow.”

“That’s good isn’t it?” Gwyn asked “That’s what you wanted.”

“Yeah… I uh… just didn’t think I’d be able to start so soon.”

“You don’t have to go.” Owen said, trying to find the right words. “I mean. You can go to NA here, I can come with you. There are clinics and programs here in NYC too. You don’t have to do it all on your own. I want to help you. So does your mother.”

“I know dad… but I… I think I just… I need to get away. I just… need to put as much distance between me and… everything that’s bad for me here.” TK said as if he was telling himself why going to California was the best thing for him.

“Like Alex.”

“No. Yes. Not just him. This isn’t his fault. It’s on me.”

“Him being a lying, cheating…”

“Dad…”

“What?” Owen asked. “It sure as hell didn’t help, did it?”

TK shook his head.

“You’ve never liked him.”

“Clearly with good reason.”

“Tell me more about this place in California you found?” Gwyn interrupted, trying to get the conversation back on track. “What do they offer except yoga?”

“It’s… some kind of retreat. I think. I signed up pretty quickly so I wouldn’t change my mind.”

“But it’s a rehab facility?”

“Yeah. They have medical staff and they offer therapy. I think I’ll be good for me.”

“Why don’t you just come to Texas with me? We’ll start over together.” Owen offered. “I’m sure they have yoga classes in Texas too.”

“No, dad… I need to do this on my own. I want to do this. I want to get clean once and for all.”

“And you think going to California will help you do that?” Gwyn asked.

“Yeah. Yeah I think so.” TK told them. “And there was this guy in the academy with me. Evan B... something. He transferred to LA to be closer to his sister or whatever… I don’t really remember. But maybe I can message him when I’m done, see if there are any jobs going with the LAFD. Stay out west for a while.”

“You have a job here. And I can get you a job in Texas.” Owen said, earning him a glare from his ex-wife. “But if you think California is the right thing to do for you… we’ll both support you.

---   

A few days, a maxed out credit card, a teary airport goodbye, an exhausting flight, and a three hour time difference to mess with his head later, TK stepped off the plane in California and went to the motions of reclaiming his bag.

He threw it over his shoulder and shuffled through the arrivals hall with the rest of the passengers. As soon as he walked through the doors, someone rushed past him. He wanted to snap at the guy and maybe throw in a snide comment or two, but then he saw him practically throw himself at another guy holding a heart shaped balloon and he had to look away. He couldn’t deal with happy couples right now.

Instead he made himself focus on looking for whoever the clinic had sent to pick him up.

He noticed a guy in a simple button down shirt and jeans instead of the usual corporate three piece grey suit holding a sign that, upon closer inspection, said Tyler Strand.”

“Hi. I think you’re here for me.” He told the guy, walking up to him.

“Are you Tyler Strand?”

“Yeah. I uh… go by TK actually. “Tyler Kennedy. Two first names. My parents have never agreed on anything in their lives, naming me was no different… this was their compromise.”

“Oh. Sorry about that. I just copied what was on the form.”

“It’s fine. Someone getting my name wrong is the least of my problems at the moment.”

“Yeah.” The guy said and cleared his throat. “ Uhm… Do you have everything? Your luggage?”

“Just this.” TK shrugged the shoulder his bag was hanging from.

“Alright. Let’s get going then. It’s not that far from here. Only about an hour and a half’s drive.” The guy told him and started walking. “I’m Carlos by the way.”

TK followed him out of the airport and to the parking lot where he unlocked a plain black car, thankfully without any logos or the name of the retreat on it.

“Just throw your bag in the back, it’s open.” Carlos told him and TK did as he was told before getting into the car.

They pulled out of the parking lot and soon they were onto the highway.

As much as TK tried to focus on the random pop songs playing on the radio, the guy sitting next to him intrigued him for some reason and he wanted to talk to him to find out more about him.

“So are you a therapist or just the driver?”

“I’m not a therapist.” Carlos told him, glancing back and forth between TK and the road. “Though I’ve been told I’m a good listener if you want to talk.” He shot TK a quick smile.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I’m more of an activities kind of guy.”

“Activities? What is this, summer camp?”

Carlos laughed.

“Well… in a way. Though a bit unconventional. Maybe more like boy scouts? For adults.”

“I was never a boy scout.” TK shrugged. “Born and raised in Manhattan. The most exotic place my parents took me was the Bronx zoo.”

Carlos laughed.

“I’ll try not to hold it against you.”

They made small talk about the music on the radio, the latest celebrity scandal, an upcoming superhero film, and even the weather, until TK felt himself getting drowsy and rested his head against the window, planning to close his eyes for five minutes.

The next thing he knew was Carlos gently shaking his shoulder to wake him up.

“Hey, you fell asleep about an hour ago but we’re here.”

TK rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked around.

“Right. Ok. Sorry about that.”

“It’s ok. You probably needed the rest.” Carlos gave him a friendly smile and helped him grab his stuff from the trunk. “Do you want to go over the paperwork now or do you want to get settled in first?”

“Papers.” TK replied right away. “Get it over with.”

“Alright, follow me.”

Carlos lead him into a building and down a few hallways. They met a couple of people along the way and Carlos greeted them all in passing. Though they all seemed to be staff rather than patients and it made TK curious.

“How many people are here.. for uh… help?”

“About 30 in total. Not that many.” Carlos replied, opening a door with a key card. “That way we have more time to curate people’s experience based on their needs.” 

TK snorted.

“Did you just quote the website?”

Carlos shot him a grin.

“What can I say, I like to be prepared.”

He opened another door and entered an office and gestured for TK to sit down.

“Just give me a minute to find everything. I don’t usually do the paperwork thing and this isn’t my office.” He explained. “I don’t have an office.”

“It’s fine.” TK shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve got anywhere else to be.”

Carlos opened a few drawers and pulled out some forms.

“Ok, let’s get started. First question. When is the last time you used?”

“Anything?”

“Hmm.”

“On the plane here…” TK admitted reluctantly.

“What did you take?”

“Just… two little bottles of vodka from the drinks cart. To take the edge off.”

Carlos nodded and wrote down TK’s answers.

“Anything else?”

“No.”

“And before today? What was your drug of choice?”

“Anything I could get my hands on…” TK told him, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands. Thankfully the track marks on his arms weren’t nearly as bad as they could have been, but he still felt self-conscious about them.

Carlos’s eyes flicked to his arms but he didn’t acknowledge the move.

“Ok. You said you overdosed in your application, what did you use?”

“Pills… they were easiest to get…” TK answered, squirming in his seat, regretting not choosing to go to his room first.

“Oxy?”

“Yes… do we really have to do this?”

Carlos put his pen down.

“You can fill it in yourself if you’d rather… but one of us has to somehow. These need to be filled in and filed before your treatment can fully start.”

“Right.”

“Look, I know this is a lot but it’s only going to get better from here.”

“Hopefully.”

“You don’t think you can do it?”

TK sighed and leaned back in his chair.

“I want to. For my parents. I’ve caused them so much pain…”

“But…” Carlos prompted.

“But… this isn’t my first time trying to get clean.” TK sighed. “I just… don’t know if I can do it. Maybe this is as good as it gets.” He shrugged. “I get clean for a few months and then just… find a reason to score again.”

“And why shouldn’t this time be different? Why shouldn’t this time be the time you kick the habit for good?”

TK shook his head.

“I don’t know. I’m pretty tired. Can we finish this another time? Tomorrow maybe?”

Carlos smiled and TK felt a little bit of the pent up anxiety slowly slip away.

“Sure. I’ll show you to your room.”

---

The next morning TK was woken up by someone knocking on his door.

He dragged himself out of bed and opened it to see Carlos standing there in work out gear.

“Morning.” He said happily. “Are you ready to start the day?”

“What?” TK blinked and tried to wake himself up enough to figure out what was going on.

“It’s a nice morning. We’re going for a run. The others are on their way too.”

“Others? Run? What?”

“It’s part of the program you signed up for.” Carlos said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Healthy body and a healthy mind.”

“I… I don’t… I… think… uhm… I don’t understand.”

Carlos smiled.

“Not a morning person?”

“No. Yes. I mean. What the hell is going on?”

“It’s time to start the day with a run. And then when we’re done with that we can finish the paperwork from yesterday before the afternoon program starts.”

“Afternoon program?” TK shook his head in an attempt to wake himself up. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The program.” Carlos said and proceeded to run TK through an itinerary that exhausted him just listening to it.

“I… What’s going on?” TK asked “Is this bootcamp for navy SEALs?”

“Hardly.” Carlos snorted “But this is what you signed up for.”

“No… I think I’d remember joining the army.”

“I know it can be a lot on your first day but you get used to it soon enough. Trust me.”

“I… I think there’s been a mistake. I was under the impression this was more… yoga on the beach and spiritual awareness and all that.”

“Well… I do yoga in my spare time, I know a few poses. I’m not an instructor or anything but we can set something up after dinner maybe.”

“After going through special ops training? I don’t think I’ll be alive.”

“It’s not so bad. Honestly.”

“Somehow I doubt that. I guess I didn’t really read the website that well when I signed up. I uh… I’m sorry for wasting your time. I’ll figure out a way to get back to the airport and see if there’s room on a flight back east any time soon.”

Carlos crossed his arms in front of his chest and TK had to force himself to not let his eyes linger on the way his muscles moved under his shirt.

“So you’re just giving up? I didn’t think you were a quitter.” He uncrossed his arms. “But I guess it’s easier to leave than to admit you can’t cut it.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s ok.” He shrugged. “Not everyone can handle this program. It’s good to know your limits. I’ll drive you back to the airport myself. Do you need to call anyone? The phone signal is kind of hit and miss out here. Mostly miss.”

TK knew Carlos was baiting him but he wasn’t one to back down from a challenge.

“Give me five minutes.”

---

TK considered himself to be in pretty good shape. His firefighter training made sure of that. He’d been in the top 5 of his class in the academy and could definitely hold his own compared to the more experienced members of his crew.

Only the program he’d apparently signed up for now seemed designed to actually kill him. He was sure even Navy SEALS would think it was too much.

The morning run wasn’t just a few miles in the area or even on a track, but through the woods near the facility. Uphill and down again. Avoiding tree roots, rocks, overgrown areas, and random holes.

They were running in a group but TK, as well as some other patients, were trailing behind.

Just as he was trying to figure out a route back to base camp as he’d started calling the clinic in his head, Carlos caught up with him.

“How are you holding up?”

“I don’t know. Fine.” TK panted. “Is this your tactic? Trying to kill me? If I’m dead I won’t think about wanting to use?”

Carlos chuckled.

“Has anyone ever told you, you can be pretty dramatic?”

TK grinned.

“Often. But it’s part of my charm.” He said and dropped down at the foot of a tree to catch his breath.

Carlos gestured to his coworker and the rest of the group to keep going and sat down next to him.

“So when did you decide to be an army drill sergeant?” TK asked, using his shirt to wipe the sweat from his brow.

“I’m a cop actually. Or… used to be I guess.”

“That explains a lot.”

“It does?”

“You like torturing people.”

“I like helping people.” Carlos insisted. “That’s why I left the force. A friend of a friend got me this job. I figured I could do more good here than arresting people for minor offences.”

TK nodded.

“That’s… very noble of you.” He settled on.

“Try telling my family that.” Carlos sighed. “My whole family is in law enforcement somehow. My dad especially wasn’t happy when I quit my job. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps, carry on the family legacy.”

“Yeah… I know a thing or two about following in your father’s footsteps.” TK said and leaned back against the tree.

They sat in silence for a while until they heard the rest of the group coming closer and got up to join them again.

---  

“So how did you end up here? You don’t seem like the typical Californian surfer dude.”

Carlos laughed.

“What do they look like then?”

TK shrugged.

“I don’t know. Not like you. More… bleached blond and beady necklaces. And flip flops.”

“Well you’ve got me there. I’m from Texas originally. Austin.”

“Really?”

“Yup. I grew up on a ranch on the outskirts of the city.”

“A ranch? So you’re a farmer? Or a cowboy?”

“Neither. Both. It’s complicated.”

TK nodded.

“Does complicated have a name?”

“Yeah. Dad.”

It had become a thing. Whenever they could get away with it, TK and Carlos would just hang out and talk. No pressure from the group sessions or the one on one talks with his assigned therapist, but just the two of them.

Since he’d gone through the worst of the withdrawal in hospital back in New York, his treatment mostly consisted of working on his mental health. And thankfully for him, talking to Carlos did just that. They had a similar sense of humour, similar complicated relationships with their families, and just generally got on well.

He’d told him about Alex, Carlos told him about marrying his best friend in an attempt to please his family.

“How did that work out for you?”

“Badly.” Carlos shrugged. “I mean we’re still friends… and my mom had a framed picture of us on display with the rest of the family pictures. For a while I told myself that meant I’d done the right thing. But it wasn’t.”

“If we were allowed to drink here, I’d buy you a beer and we could raise a glass to making bad decisions to please our parents.”

---

A few days later, the group TK was in was going on a hike with an overnight stay in the woods near the clinic.

TK was less than enthusiastic about it, and told Carlos as much (repeatedly) as he helped pack tents and other gear.

“Just think of it as going camping.” Carlos offered. “It’ll be fun. Connecting with nature and stuff. Maybe I can even smuggle in some ‘smores.”

TK gave him a blank look.

“I’m from NYC. I grew up in Manhattan. My parents are workaholics. What makes you think I ever went camping as a kid.?”

“You mean you never pitched a tent in central park?” Carlos joked. “Or maybe swam in that fountain you see in every movie?”

“I’ve done a lot of things in Central Park…” TK started. “But somehow never that.”

“Well, maybe you should. It’s good to have a goal in life.”

“Only if you come bail me out when I get arrested.”

“I don’t know, it’s kind of a long commute from here.”

TK laughed and ducked his head. Their talks had started to get a little, or a lot, flirty and he was fairly confident Carlos liked it as much as he did. Liked him.

Only every time TK thought the other man might make a move, or when he was hyping himself up to do so, Carlos would come up with some excuse that meant he had to be as far away from TK as possible for at least a couple of hours.

He wanted to ask why but also wasn’t ready for a simple answer like Carlos just not liking him like that.

So instead he said nothing and just admired Carlos from a distance and made himself talk to other people.

Which was going fine until about 15 minutes into their hike when one of the other patients tripped and fell down a hill.

TK’s first responders training kicked in and he rushed over to them, skidding and sliding down the hill.

“Let me have a look, I’m a paramedic. Don’t move.” He told the woman. He’d talked to her a few times and vaguely remembered her name was Hannah and she was from Wisconsin. He tried to examine her as best he could without his medical gear. She had a head wound and her leg was obviously broken.

He noticed someone coming down the hill after them and didn’t have to look to know it was Carlos.

“I have a first aid kit. It’s got the basics.” He said, unzipping his backpack.

With Carlos’ help, TK managed to treat Hannah’s injuries while one of the other staff members radioed for a medevac to get her out of there and to a hospital.

“Someone needs to get up there to show the helicopter where exactly we are. It’s the only place they’ll be able to land.” Carlos said, nodding at a an open place higher up from where they were and turned to TK. “How are you with heights?”

“Fine.” TK shrugged. “I’m a firefighter.”

“I thought you said you were a paramedic?”

“I am. Both. I’m dual certified.”

“Really? That’s impressive.”

They carefully climbed up to the landing spot and with help of the rest of the group and the paramedics, they got Hannah onto the helicopter and on her way to the hospital.

“You two make a pretty good team.” Luke, one of the other patients said, and TK found himself agreeing with him.

“Yeah, we do, don’t we?” Carlos said with a smile.

---

“We’ll set up camp on the other side of this river.” One of the other staff members announced as the group walked up to a river a while later.

“And how do we get there?” TK asked, fearing he already knew the answer.

“We cross it.”

“By bridge?”

Next to him Carlos laughed.

“Did they teach you to swim in firefighter training?”

“They did not actually. The only water I handled in that was the kind that’s supposed to save you from burning to death in abandoned warehouses.”

“That’s… oddly specific.” Lexi, the other staff member commented.

TK shrugged.

“It’s the easiest thing to set up for training recruits.”

“Anyway.” Carlos clapped his hands. “I hope everyone can swim because we’re going through the water to the other side of the river.”

“And how do we do that with all of the stuff we’ve been dragging around?” TK asked him.

“You tell me.”

TK raised an eyebrow.

“This is beginning to feel more and more like summer camp. Or boy scouts.”

“I thought you’d never been a boy scout?”

“I’ve seen them on tv.”

Carlos laughed.

“Well in the beginning you were calling this basic training for Navy SEALs so I guess you’re getting used to it all.” He winked and TK suddenly didn’t mind the hiking and the camping so much anymore.

After some arguing and general chaos, the group managed to work together to create some kind of raft to get them and their gear to the other side of the river, without swimming.

Only the raft wasn’t very stable and when it was TK’s turn, he leaned to one side too much, causing the raft to flip and him ending up in the water.

Thankfully it was a warm day so he didn’t mind too much. But he could’ve done without making a fool out of himself in front of Carlos.

Carlos who was getting into the water with him to help him get his stuff onto the river bank.

Carlos who looked unfairly gorgeous in a wet t shirt.

“Are you ok?” He asked TK who was trying to swim to shore with some of his dignity intact.

“Yeah. Just a bruised ego.”

After the rest of the group made it across in one piece, they all helped Carlos and TK get out of the water and see how much of their stuff was still ok to use.

“I think you two should just go dry out in the sun for a while.” Lexi told them. “We’ll lay out your tent, TK, so it can dry too.”

“My tent is big enough for the both of us.” Carlos cut in. “We’ll lay your sleeping bag out in the sun and we’ll just share my tent. If that’s ok with you?” He asked TK who was about to actually jump for joy.

“Sure.” He replied, hoping he sounded a lot more casual than he felt. “I promise I don’t snore.” He joked.

“That’s ok. I can sleep through anything. My sisters used to share a bedroom next to mine when I was a kid and they fought a lot. The walls were paper thin.” Carlos told him as he and TK made their way over to a sunny spot by some rocks near to where the rest of the group was setting up the camp.

TK sat down and closed his eyes, tilting his face up to the afternoon sun.

“We should probably get out of these wet clothes.” Carlos said after a few minutes.

TK opened his eyes and looked at him plucking at his wet t-shirt, obviously uncomfortable.

He grinned.

“Are you trying to get me naked?  

“What? No, no, no. I just don’t want you to catch hypothermia. And neither do I.”

“Well, you know the best way to warm up is sharing body heat.”

Carlos looked at him for what seemed like hours and TK could practically see the cogs turning in his head, working through the various replies, trying to find one that was still the right side of professional.

Fortunately or unfortunately, he wasn’t sure, some of the other patients joined them and their little hang out for two turned into a group therapy session.

“Oh my god, look at that!” TK exclaimed a little while later. “Don’t move guys, you’ll scare him off.”

Carlos followed TK’s line of sight and noticed a small lizard sitting on a nearby rock, observing the intruders in his territory, trying to find out if they were a threat.

“Look at him, he’s so cute.” TK slowly crawled over to the lizard. “Hey buddy. Did you come to say hello?” He carefully moved his hand to try and pet the animal.

“Careful. It might bite.”

“Not if it doesn’t feel threatened. It’s just coming to take a look. He’s just a curious little guy.”

“You like reptiles?” Luke asked, the look on his face making it clear he definitely didn’t.

“Yeah. They’re gorgeous and they can make such great pets. I had a friend in middle school who had a leopard gecko. It was so cute and smart. I was over there all the time.” TK said excitedly. “I practically begged my parents for a lizard for my birthday from then on. I did all the research and worked out where to buy food and everything.”

“Did you ever get it?” Carlos asked.

TK shook his head.

“My dad wanted a dog and my mom had and still has a parrot called Ginsburg.”

“After Ruth Bader Ginsburg?”

“Yeah. My mom’s a lawyer and a politics junkie.” TK said absentmindedly, while still trying to befriend the lizard. The entire group watched with bated breath as he slowly moved his pointer finger closer to the lizard’s head.

Only right before he could have touched it, the lizard decided it had had enough and scurried off.

TK pulled a disappointed face and sat back down.

“Better luck next time.” Luke offered and TK nodded.

“Yeah. Maybe I’ll get a lizard when I’m done here and going back home.”

Their little group spent the rest of the afternoon talking and just enjoying being out in nature.

By the time it started to get dark, they moved back to the place where they’d put up the tents and everyone got comfortable around the fire.

They talked, shared stories of their lives back home, and offered each other advice and support.

As the night went on, one by one people started calling it a night until it was just Carlos and TK left by the fire.

“Alone at last.” TK said as he moved to sit next to Carlos. “I thought they’d never leave us alone.”

Carlos glanced at him at smiled.

“Are you not enjoying spending time with your fellow patients?”

“They’re alright.” TK shrugged. “But I’d rather spend time with one person in particular.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. He’s kind, helpful, sweet, a great listener, and absolutely insanely gorgeous.”

Carlos bit his lip.

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

“I’m a mess.” TK shook his head.

“Maybe. But you’re a hot mess.” Carlos told him, the late hour and the bubble they found themselves in apparently turning off any filter between his brain and his mouth.

TK felt his cheeks heat up but decided to throw caution to the wind and make his move. He leaned in, looking down at Carlos’ lips and back up into the soulful brown eyes that made his heart flutter.

The moment his lips met Carlos’ he felt himself come alive in ways he hadn’t ever thought possible. It started off as nothing more than a press of lips but soon grew more heated as TK ran his tongue along Carlos’ lips until he opened up for him.

He licked into his mouth while his hands had found their way into Carlos’ hair, running his fingers through the soft curls as Carlos ran his hands over TK’s back, pulling him impossibly closer.

Somewhere in the back of his mind TK knew someone could catch them at any given moment, but the feeling of finally getting to kiss Carlos after weeks of quietly pining for him was too good to stop and he wanted more.

He moved his hands from Carlos’ hair, down to his waist and slipping them under his shirt, letting them roam over his chest and stomach.

Carlos pulled back and started kissing his neck and TK discovered he was really into that.

Only when TK’s hands moved lower and started blindly fumbling with the button on Carlos’ jeans, somehow the spell was broken and the moment was gone.

Carlos jumped up and touched his fingers to his lips.

“This… can’t happen.”

“Why not?” TK asked, getting up and taking a step towards him. “We both want it.”

“I’m supposed to be helping you. I can’t take advantage of you like this.”

TK rolled his eyes.

“It’s not taking advantage if I want it.”

Carlos shook his head.

“We can’t. I… I can’t jeopardise your sobriety like this.”

“My sobriety is my own responsibility. That’s what this program is teaching me isn’t it? To take responsibility for my actions. This is me doing that. I want to kiss you and I know you want it too.”

TK took another step forward and closed the distance between them. He slowly leaned in and put his hand on Carlos’ cheek while looking him in the eye.

“I want this.” He said before pressing his lips to Carlos’ in a soft chaste kiss that couldn’t be more different from the first one.

Carlos seemed to almost melt under his touch and TK felt his resolve slipping as he started to kiss him back.

At least until his brain caught up with the rest of his body and he pulled away again.

“I can’t. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have… I just… I can’t. If anyone finds out I’ll get fired so fast… I’m crossing so many lines.”

“I don’t care. I like you. I want this.” TK told him.

“I do care.” Carlos said, almost begging him to understand. “I want to help people get their life back on track. I can’t… do this. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have… I screwed up. I’m sorry.”

“Do you not like me?” TK asked when Carlos had to pause his rambling to take a breath.

“I do. I like you a lot. And if things were different I wouldn’t hesitate to take you out on a date or cook you dinner… But I can’t take advantage of the situation like this.”

“But you’re not.” TK said, trying to make him understand. “You’re not.”

“I am. I’m supposed to help you. I’m supposed to… I don’t know… guide you. You’re a client. I’m in a position of power.”

“What if we just forget that? Just for tonight. And tomorrow we’ll just go back to how things were before.”

Carlos gave him a small smile and TK could tell he was seriously considering it.

“I wish I could.” He replied. “But I don’t think I could go back if I let myself get lost in you. You are… a force to be reckoned with TK Strand. And I wish things were different. I wish we’d just met in a bar or getting a coffee downtown. I wish I could get to know you without all of this.”

“You could. You can. The program is almost over. Nobody has to know. I won’t tell if you don’t.” TK told him and stepped closer again. “Please don’t make me beg.”

Carlos smiled and ran a hand through TK’s hair.

“You deserve the world.” He told him. “And don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.”

Carlos stepped away and disappeared into the tent, only to come back out with his sleeping bag almost right away.

“I’ll sleep out here. It’s supposed to stay dry anyway.”

“Carlos don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not. I can’t share a tent with you and not touch you. I don’t think I would be able to control myself.”

“Then don’t.” TK pleaded and he could tell Carlos was this close to giving in.

He took a deep breath and made himself step away.

“If things were different…” He looked at TK and shook his head slightly. “It’s better this way.”

The rest of his time in California, TK spent mostly on his own, mourning something he’d never really had.

A few other patients noticed he and Carlos weren’t attached at the hip anymore and his assigned therapist noticed his mood had changed.

He fed all of them some line about being homesick and ended up calling his dad and agreeing to join him in Austin.

On his last day, Carlos was nowhere to be found and TK told himself to accept he just wasn’t interested.

He said goodbye to the friends he’d made and made them promise to look him up if they ever found themselves in Austin Texas. He’d slipped a note under Carlos’ door telling him the same.

“Station 126. Just ask for me.”

One of the staff members TK had only seen but never talked to drove him to the airport and wished him the best.

When he landed in Austin, his dad was waiting for him and pulled him into a hug the moment he walked through the doors after the luggage reclaim.

The house Owen had bought looked like something straight from a home improvement show and TK did his best to make it feel like home.

The dog he’d adopted was a nice distraction and TK took it out on long walks to explore Austin together.

His new coworkers were nice enough and after a few weeks of working together they’d become a close knit friend group.

He hadn’t told them about Carlos however. He hadn’t told anyone. That kiss was his memory and his alone.

Though maybe he should take Paul and Marjan up on their offer of going out to explore the Austin nightlife on their next day off.

Maybe there would be someone to make him forget about Carlos, even if just for one night.

---

“I’m just saying, when in Rome. Or… when in Texas.” A young woman in a hijab said to a black man standing near her as they cleaned the fire engine. Carlos watched them through the open bay doors for a moment before taking a deep breath and walking in.

“Hi… I’m looking for TK Strand. Does he work here?”

“That depends. Who’s asking?” the woman asked.

“I’m Carlos. I’m a… friend from California.” He settled on, not sure how much TK’s coworkers knew about him.

Confusion flashed over the woman’s face and she looked at the man who just shrugged.

“Ok. Wait here. I’ll go see if he’s available.” She instructed him and turned around and walked up some stairs.

When she returned a few minutes later TK was right behind her.

He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and just stared.

“Carlos? What are you doing here?”

“You told me to look you up if I ever decided to go back to Austin… here I am.”

“I… Yeah… I can see that.” TK stammered, still not quite believing what he was seeing.

The woman and the man from before were still lurking, ready to jump in the moment they deemed it necessary.

“You ok TK?” the woman asked.

“Yeah, yeah it’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. He’s alright. He’s not the guy from New York.”

The woman nodded.

“Alright. Just yell if you need anything. There are a bunch of firefighters up there who have your back.” She said, not quite talking to TK anymore.

“I know. Thanks Marj.”

The woman nodded again and walked back up the stairs, the man following close behind.

“She’s…” Carlos trailed off, not sure what to say.

“Yeah. I told them about my ex… and my OD.”

“Oh. Good. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure what you’d told people here…”

“Thanks, but I’ve decided to stop hiding who I am.” TK shrugged. “My addiction is always going to be a part of me. Hiding it won’t change that.”

Carlos nodded.

“That’s… that’s good. I uh… I’ve decided to do the same I guess.” He told TK.

“Not hide your addiction anymore? I didn’t think you had one?”

Carlos shook his head.

“No. I mean… I’m not going to hide who I am anymore. I’m just… still kind of figuring out who that is.”

TK smiled.

“Well… the person I met in California was kind, a good listener, gentle with a slight sadistic streak.” He joked and they both laughed. “What are you really doing here Carlos?”

“I quit my job in California. I’m back in Austin.” Carlos explained. “I’m staying with a friend right now until I get a place of my own.”

“Ok.”

“I just… I know it’s been a few weeks but… I can’t get you out of my head.” He stepped forward and reached out to grab TK’s hand, smiling when TK let him. “I’d like to get to know you… without… everything… from California.”

“But the stuff from California didn’t just go away when I completed the program.”

“I know. But I also know there is more to you than just your addiction.” He took TK’s other hand in his. “Remember when I told you I’d want to cook you dinner and take you out on a date?”

“The night you insisted on sleeping outside because I’d kissed you? Yeah I remember.”

“It was the right decision at the time… but… now things are different… so… if… if you’re still interested… maybe we could… go on that date sometime? And you’d let me cook you dinner?”

“That depends, will you end up sleeping under the stars again?”

Carlos laughed.

“Maybe. If my friend won’t let us use her place. I’ll have to sleep in my car.”

“Do you have a big car?”

“No. Not exactly. I drive a Camaro. Looks cool but limited space for sleeping.”

“Well hopefully your friend will be in a good mood then.”

“Yeah… so is that a yes?”

TK smiled.

“Yeah. It’s a yes.”

Carlos’ smile got impossibly bigger.

“How does Friday sound?”

TK let go of Carlos’ hands and cupped his face.

“It’s a date.” He said and leaned in and kissed Carlos.

Somewhere behind them a chorus of cheers and wolf whistles erupted.

“I think your friends approve.”  

[fullserviceportland]

PDXblackout Resource Guide

Yet Another Resource Guide 2023 AUGUST 22 - 14:44 PST ...in no particular

Department of Human Services SNAP is going to be very key in getting the most out of this guide. You will need to apply for it if you haven't already, and make sure that you're in communication with DHS to keep your benefits active. The golden ticket we will be looking at is the benefits verification letter. You're going to need that.

Google Drive / Photos Create a Google account. Access http://drive.google.com and http://photos.google.com to bring up these tools I'm telling you about. Take pictures with your phone of any documents you possess which will be important in this undertaking. This includes and is not limited to a driver's license or state issued ID, social security card, birth certificate, Portland Rescue Mission ID, SNAP Benefits Verification Letter, meeting sheets, this method may not be for you, but consider it, since it worked and is working for me.

Oregon Health Plan If you see me with some nice headphones, it's because I pursued getting my insurance to pay for them. Flex funds are really useful, I'm still learning about them, I've seen people get an array of help from this one resource. OHP pays for my nicotine products, my medication, my doctor visits, my dental visits and no telling what else. Get. The. Free. Insurance.

Billie Olegard Dental Clinic I had a pretty severe dental issue and thought I was losing my teeth. In two appointments this dental clinic that is right next to the outpatient classes totally took care of it, didn't cost me anything out of pocket except my time and acceptance. It's still a dentist's office. Kelly the dental hygienist is awesome.

8x8 Richard Harris Building Laptops can be checked out from the case manager office. Supported housing is the basis of our programs, the Mentor Program and the 8x8 Community Program. My case manager and the other case managers have been pivotal in my success. We are able to receive mail. A form was filled out for me that guaranteed I had been homeless and I was able to go get my state ID made with just my birth certificate for free, I got that at the 8x8. If you have a supported housing apartment, use it.

Central City Concern Recovery Center Stephanie and Anthony have teamed up to do some really awesome stuff for me. It's really important to learn how to show up for our schedules on time, reducing tardiness is part of reintegrating back into a standard level of society.

NARCAN Nasal spray NARCAN is available for free through Old Town Clinic and other agencies. Normally it takes about four of them to work, so if you're going to use them, use a lot of them! The NARCAN training video is on YouTube. Watch it several times if you plan to use NARCAN. It's important to follow all the instructions!

Blanchet House Free meals, hygiene items, peer support.

Portland Rescue Mission Free meals, socks, but most importantly they will make an ID card for you on the spot even in the middle of the night. I got mine while I was still using and I've still got it to this day. It will have your picture and name on it. Not many questions asked. It meant a lot to me and I was able to pick up prescriptions with it. You will need this specific ID when you receive services from PRM.

Union Gospel Mission I stayed at UGM's LifeChange program for a total of about two weeks. I didn't stay, but I've stayed tied in with those guys and they're on my side. They also offer free food services throughout the week.

St. Andre Free food, fill out a form get a food box, Father Tom prayed with me when my grandmother was passing away, genuine people, good coffee.

TRIMET Requires ID, SNAP benefits letter. Take the required documents to the TRIMET office at Pioneer Square and ask for an Honored Citizen pass. They will take your picture and probably give you the rest of the month for free. You can ride all the bus lines, the MAX and the streetcar with this pass. It is absolutely essential if you're starting completely over like I have.

Transitional Projects Showers, mail services, laundry, and to me the most important aspect was that they made me an ID specific to TPI services. I haven't been to TPI since I got clean, but they did matter in my addiction. They also offer a locker service but I never really used it.

RentWell Online class usually takes 6 to 8 weeks, I was done with the coursework in 4 days. They help you get and keep housing and teach you about tenant law! Now I have a RentWell case manager.

Community Volunteer Corps Take advantage of the opportunity to participate in CVC. It is my opinion that the point of CVC is to leave for work sober, be productive and give back, then come back, together, still sober. Work together, make it fun, and be on time. The reference letters are different for everyone. Don't cheat the system.

Employment Access Center The EAC is providing services to me for the next two years according to Will, my EAC worker. They've helped people get shoes, clothing, cell phones, bills paid, and more. My first day with them they helped me get signed up on iMatch through Oregon Works and although I have a different resume prepared, we created a new one, too. We're going to be working on cover letters and figuring out what my goals are and actually achieving them.

Nike BIKETOWN Access for All The Nike bikes are still free at the time of writing this. Just upload your benefits verification letter to their Access for All page and fill it out, creating an account, all that goodness.

Multnomah County Library, Kenton and Hollywood Locations https://multcolib.org/services The library offers a tech lending program that at the time of writing this just sent me a laptop and a mobile hotspot. It takes a while to get the equipment, but you can apply for free. Do you have a library card? It's crucial. I got mine made, originally, with my Portland Rescue Mission ID card! Free printing services are offered, which I used to print off the standard readings for Brothas and Get Your Fix. I've also used it to print off stuff I wanted to read like free stuff listings on Craigslist, song lyrics, and education information.

William Temple House Their food bank is still a huge asset for me, and if you've never had them then on Tuesday morning, if you're first, they'll give you a total of twenty five dollars in vouchers to their thrift store, but the most important service I've received from WTH has been from Emily, where she signed me up using their address for a year long HOP card pass. You've gotta have a HOP card with the Honored Citizen.

MHACBO While pursuing a certification, I found the oral health training and other online classes. I accomplished something by doing this, and earned a continuing education credit.

TextNow When I first got here all I had was a phone that I wasn't the original owner of, and it couldn't get service. Thanks to Wi-Fi and TextNow, I was able to send text messages, make phones, and have a phone number for free. There are advertisements built in.

211 I've called 211 several times especially recently, they provide me with an operator who's entire job is based around helping people get in touch with the resources they need.

Old Town Clinic Get a primary care physician, get nicotine replacement, be honest about your medical conditions. I always double check with my case manager if I'm going to miss something, but he always tells me that medical appointments are a solid reason to miss check-in.

Social Security Administration There was totally some police type activity when I went up there, but everything went fine overall. It was a little stressful, they asked me to take my shoes off, but it didn't cost me anything and I made it out without confrontation. They gave me a piece of paper that day which would let me get a job, and my social security card was in the mail about a week later.

Right 2 Dream 2 This is a homeless shelter beside the Yellow Line MAX at the Moda Center. The table there and the fridge there sometimes contains food. I stayed there the night before I went to Hooper. The higher ups there like recovery, feel free to check the fridge.

Cash App Functions as a bank account, easy to transfer funds, free debit card.

Chime Functions as a bank account, free debit card.

Alano Club of Portland Recovery meetings every single day without regular exception. 909 NW 24th Avenue

Sunshine Division My first day at the 8x8, Michael went and got me a food box from Sunshine Division. At the time of writing this, I went and got one today, too. Good solid consistent resource. You're not going to feed an army with a food box from Sunshine Division, but it's worthwhile.

Affordable Connectivity Plan Government assistance for individuals that qualify, that provides us with free phones and phone service. Free phones and service can be obtained from Assurance Wireless, Excess Telecom, and Cricket Wireless.

CCC ROC Clothing closet, ask a mentor or case manager about it.

Salvation Army on Killingsworth Awesome food bank, has a clothing closet too.

DoorDash At the time of writing this, DoorDash is my only employer. I was so excited when my background check came back fine. It took a while to get accepted, but I've been able to pay for things by delivering DoorDash orders. I've used my personal Trek bicycle, Lime scooters, Spin scooters, and mostly the Nike BIKETOWN bikes to deliver orders.

Home Forward Housing vouchers are a thing out there, so when the wait list opens up, apply. Sometimes they bump people up on the wait list based on their situations.

Alcoholics / Narcotics Anonymous There's a hotline we can call for all the different areas. Going to meetings, working the steps, living a life in recovery, has been the cornerstone of keeping me clean. I have a couple different apps on my phone, but there's one each of AA and NA that helps me find meetings based on criteria and location.

Nicotine Gum I smoked as many cigarettes as I could when I first got here. I still smoke, but I smoke a lot less than I did. Nicotine products have been a huge part of that, and OHP pays for it.

Bombas Free socks.

BottleDrop Whether your coping strategy is to take a sober friend with you, wearing headphones, or something else, have a serious and well enforced plan in effect if you plan to turn in cans and bottles in Portland. There's people smoking fentanyl everywhere, people trying to sell drugs, people walking around naked, it's insanity. I've walked out of the line and left my cans a couple times or more. Also if you aren't careful they will make your room stink. Anyways, Rite Aid and Whole Foods accept cans, and the BottleDrop at Delta Park is my personal favorite, but the one at 122nd has a machine that counts them for us, we just pour them out on a conveyor belt and it's kind of cool to watch. It isn't pretty, but this is how I paid for a lot of stuff while I've been here.

DMV2U Input your identifying information and become able to set DMV appointments.

Lynn on the 7th floor She's been giving me free tobacco since I got here. This could end at anytime and she would be at no fault, she is an angel for doing this and you are not guaranteed anything. At the time of writing this the free tobacco and papers hours are 1100 to 2000, or 11 a.m. to 8 p.m., please do not harass her, but she will help you.

Dollar Tree Affordable food, locations are convenient, sells can openers although they break, sells batteries, accepts food stamps, sells ramen noodles.

Goodwill Bins Buy electronics and other goods by the pound. Grab bags of hygiene supplies for around ten dollars a bag. Easily get a hundred bucks worth of hygiene stuff for ten bucks.

Straightway Services Located on Vancouver way, food bank service on Wednesdays.

Project 529 Register your bicycle with pictures and serial number and description, get a certificate of registration. Check the serial number of bicycles to see if they are reported stolen within the system.

SOLVE I signed up to be an event leader for Stop Oregon Litter and Vandalism when I first got here and the date snuck up on me, then I had to actually go do the event. We didn't do it again after that but we had a great time and the event was a success. It's part of my resume now.

Elevate HIM

Nonprofit organization that helps prevent suicide in men by equipping them with proper clothing starting with a suit!

[malopeach]

as someone whose first time doing drugs was a very BAD time, i feel it is my duty to add on to this post with everything i did wrong in the hopes you all can avoid it, as well as general safety tips!

Do not take the whole edible if it is your first time. you do not know how sensitive your system is yet, and too much WILL send you spiraling. And this applies to all drugs in general. if it is your first time, START SMALL. it’s going to affect you more severely anyway, if your body isn’t used to it! try just a little, so you can better understand how you react to it and also so you can understand what the crash from that substance might feel like. When i tried mushrooms, i did just a little but the crash for me was three straight days of disassociation and general foggy-ness so i know mushrooms are probably not for me now!

Specifically for edibles; SERIOUSLY. DON’T EAT THE WHOLE THING. edibles take longer than you think to kick in, do not eat the other half of the brownie just because it isn’t working after thirty minutes. whatever you Think is a good does, try less than that first!!! u can Always take more if you want later, but you can’t un-eat weed!

In regards to trying drugs with buddy to keep you safe, that person should be: 1] either sober or if that is not an option, very experienced in this drug that you are taking 2] be responsible and trust-worthy. your friends boyfriend whose been trying to hit on you is a bad choice (TRUST ME). 3] should have some kind of emergency contact for you. if not your parents, an adult you trust who will care more about your safety than the fact you were experimenting with drugs. In my opinion, the ideal scenario is trying it with a small group of close, trusted friends with at least one person whose willing to stay sober and keep an eye on the rest of ya (i have personally always had a better experience in that sort of setting and also it has been VERY funny to be the one sober friend lol).

you should be somewhere safe and comfortable. Don’t do drugs the first time and then head out to some weird underground rave in the woods, at best you’re setting yourself up for a really scary first trip, at worst you could definitely get hurt!

Eat, drink water, and having a comfort item definitely never hurts as well. Put on a fun movie, or some nice music. the point of any drug is to enhance a pleasant experience, so if it is your first time try to keep things light.

listen to your body. if you take something and feel Extremely Not Awesome either while high or after sobering up, really ask yourself if this is something you want to use again. there are definitely drugs my body is simply not suited too and i do not intend to use again because my body told me very firmly that it would be A Bad Time.

Also OP is extremely right about this so i’ll say it again: i’d really recommend not trying things more risky than weed or alcohol at such a young age. 1] its much easier to develop an addiction at that age and much harder to quite 2] some drugs can really fuck with your brain development, and your pre-frontal cortex isn’t done cooking dude!!! Weed will get you PLENTY high and there isn’t much of a need to experiment with things more dangerous than that. think of it this way: overdosing on weed gives you bad dreams and a headache the next day. Overdosing on coke will probably kill you if its your first time.

At the very least, im begging you to NOT let your first experience with drugs be with something hard like meth or heroin. i promise you it will suck so bad!!! its so much easier to overdose, to have a bad trip, or to wind up in a dangerous situation. weed is a perfectly fine drug for your first time!! the point is to have fun, not be as edgy as possible. Take it slow!

Speaking of overdosing; i’d recommend for everyone in general, not just those experimenting with drugs, to keep narcan on hand! its life saving! And NO, touching fentanyl will not get you high, despite what cops say, administering narcan to someone will not put you in danger and it can save their life. i can vouch for it being perfectly safe to administer, as i’ve done it before! Do your research on how to use it, and in many places you can get it for free!

i know its cliche but it is genuinely okay to say no!! Even if everyone else in the room is doing it, if you don’t want to then don’t! the kinds of folks who would try to pressure you into doing drugs are not usually fun people to do drugs with! if they are trying to convince you to do drugs without any regard for if you actually WANT to, they do not have your best interest at heart! Say no! if they keep pushing, leave! At bare minimum, you probably just wouldn’t have a very good time to begin with because folks like that suck to be around while high and usually push you to take to much. And at worst, they may actually harm you! If you feel pressured, its okay to say you don’t want to. Besides, that means u instead get the honored task of being the sober friend who still remembers how to order the pizza for all your high, probably very hungry friends.

don’t be afraid to call for help or go to a hospital if things are going very bad! EMTs and medical professionals aren’t going to rat you out to the cops for overdosing, that is not their job. They will probably tell your parents/legal guardians if you’re underage but your safety matters more. There are MANY hard drugs that could kill you if you overdose, please prioritize your own life over not getting in trouble!

Weed and Alcohol can be fun, but use them responsibly. Step one to proving to yourself and others that you are mature enough to handle that sort of thing is Not Dying and Not Developing A Crippling Life Long Addiction.

why do so many teenagers follow me. you know i do drugs right.

[seat-safety-switch]

I first became aware that the tint on my car’s windows might be too dark when a neighbour voluntarily approached me the other day at the central supermailbox for my block. Despite smelling like gear oil, hydraulic lube and ATF, they did not seem to connect me with the particular strain of automotive enthusiasm that our authorities had now deemed to be the primary threat to public safety. No, this nice person decided to treat me like a human being. They wanted to complain about the bad drivers on our street.

After a little while of listening to them bitch incessantly about how awesome my cars are, I nodded and agreed. Then, I waited for them to leave and then walked the wrong direction around the block, in order to throw them off. As I was letting myself in through the back door of my house, I wondered if perhaps my general antisocial behaviour was bad for me in the long term. Sure, there was the juvenile entertainment of two-foot-braking a bellowing Nissan Stanza around the corner with all four 13-inch Pirelli Ventennis wailing, but could that possibly compare to being a responsible member of the community? I decided I would give it my best shot.

For the next week, every time I saw my neighbour, I was doing the opposite of automotive crimes. I had parked a small handful of my daily drivers a few blocks over - again so as not to perturb the experiment unnecessarily. With some elbow grease, I was throwing out the old mufflers that once dominated my front lawn, shovelling the oddly ashy and coolant-greeny ice and snow from my sidewalk, and administering a whack of Narcan to the teenager who was slowly dying of an overdose in my gutter - even though he clearly had some more cash in his wallet that would have covered my own deadly addiction: to RockAuto.

Although they say virtue is its own reward, the other reward is seeing your neighbours willingly make eye contact with you again. I made it another day or two after that first week, until I developed a strange twitch. The doctor says he’s never seen anything like it, that some people are just born assholes. Who am I to go against nature?

[depplosion]

21 tag game

Answer 21 questions and tag 21 people you’d like to know better.

I've been tagged by 3 or 4 different people so I figured I'd better do it. If I sound like it's a chore it's only because I use the mobile app and therefore have to copy each individual line into my notes app, then copy+paste them and my answers here, plus re-bold all the questions. I'm still grateful for the tags though ❤

Nickname: Jacq/Jac (name is Jacquie/Jacqueline) My husband calls me: Jacquie in the Box/Boxicus/Wifecus/Boxicus Wife/Box 😅

Zodiac: Gemini, which is really perfect for me because I have 2 very different sides to me and as a result am quite versatile

Height: 5'7"

Hogwarts house: Slytherin (I have considered getting the Dark Mark tattoo for years)

Last thing I googled: what kind of hawks live in California? Because I keep noticing these lovely black and white hawks' nesting along the shore near a place I frequent and decided to look it up. They are Osprey 😉

Favorite musicians: Type O Negative, Jethro Tull, Josh Groban, Ramin Karimloo, VAST, Rasputina, The Cure, The Doors pretty much any and all basso profundo singers, Nirvana and many more

Song stuck in my head: Something More Than This by The Cure

Following: 857 (I've made it a point to follow every PotO blog I can find which isn't anti-E/C)

Followers: 445 (you guys are awesome ❤)

Do I get asks: not very often but yes, occassionally

Hours of sleep: 7-11, it varies. If I get less than 6, watch out!

Lucky number: 3

Wearing: boot-cut stonewashed blue jeans, black Terra & Sky v-neck, "None More Negative" Type O hoodie, black Teva sandals, black socks with grey toes/hells and bats, and my "You alone can make my song take flight" necklace. Red panties. No bra (it's just that kind of day).

Dream job: working in the Disney animation studios on character design

Dream trip: Paris with my husband and some PotO buddies, specifically the Opera and Louvre

Instruments: I've dabbled in but never mastered the following- clarinet (played in late elementary through 8th grade), violin, cello, guitar, piano, singing

Languages: I'm a grammar Nazi in English and I know un petit peu de français

Favorite songs: Oh man, there are so many...... This requires actual thought lol

Type O: Christian Woman, Black No One

Jethro Tull: Aqualung, Locomotive Breath, Thick as a Brick

VAST: Touched, Dirty Hole, Flames

Rasputina: most songs on Cabin Fever

The Cure: Love Song, Burn, Just Like Heaven, Friday I'm in Love

The Doors: Riders on the Storm, Touch Me, Light My Fire, People are Strange

Most songs from PotO, Les Mis, Sweeney Todd, RHPS

Random fact: I'll give you a few- I never got my wisdom teeth. My first serious significant other was a girl one year older than myself (I was 17 at the time) and I was with her for just over 2 years. I can "play kazoo" with my mouth (pressing my 2 front teeth against the inside of my bottom lip and humming). Oh and I overdosed once on IV drugs, my then-fiancee brought me out of it with Narcan.

Aesthetic: Victorian gothic/vampire

Thank you @jennyfair7 @kwat01 @daftpynk and @slytherinfiredreamer for the tag! 😀❤

[sparklyeevee]

I really appreciate how open you are about this. I am pro-choice. I have been pro-choice since I was old/informed enough to have an opinion. Hell, I've had an abortion. I also find abortion really fucking upsetting and wish there were a way for it to never happen. I just, y'know, a) don't think my feelings are a great basis for law (if we did, chewing with your mouth open would be a felony, and that's clearly ridiculous), and b) don't think anyone really needs my opinion on what they should do with their own damn body unless either they asked or there's a safety consideration I think they might have overlooked. Like, if someone says "Eevee, I intend to start using heroin" I would be like "Do you want to hear about safer and less illegal options that might meet the same need?" and also "Buy some fucking Narcan." But no one needs to hear about how them getting an abortion would like, bother me unless they're legitimately so on the fence about it that they'd rather decide based on my feelings.

But you're right that there's a lot of pressure in pro-choice circles to be like "Abortion is awesome and also is no big deal! My only strong emotions here are that I'm angry at the people who want to restrict it!" Like, I don't talk, in contexts with my real name attached, about the fact that I deeply fucking regret getting an abortion and would not make the same choice again if I had it to do over. (I was 16. Getting an abortion was not in the top 5 worst choices I made that calendar year.) But also I was absolutely not braced for how upsetting it was because I'd spent my entire life around people who were very emphatic about how it was no big deal, just another medical procedure, etc. And I didn't really feel like I could say "Wow, this is awful. Definitely feels like I've committed murder. 0/10 would not do again." Because the people around me would take that as a sign of like, ideological contamination.

That said I also have OCD which is mostly untreated because I have catastrophically bad reactions to SSRIs and I don't have my shit together enough to use MAOIs even if I could convince someone to prescribe them. I smoke cigarettes because the MAO inhibitors in tobacco do anything to help with OCD symptoms but aren't strong enough to come with dietary restrictions.

You know, I’m honestly beginning to wonder, if being anti choice is really so strange and difficult to comprehend except as a control tactic or a cultishly intense religious conviction…

Could the feelings that compelled me so strongly to forbid people from, as I saw it then but don’t see it now, killing helpless innocents without being punished for it, have just been a scrupulosity deal?

I don’t know for sure. It seems like when pressed or when told they’re in a safe place some pro choice will confess they share the same squeamishness about abortion personally and ended up pro choice on balance just like I did when i really considered it carefully.

But few people own up to it in the spaces I frequent and some people seem to think that in order to even feel it you have to be a hardcore vegan and I just had pork bbq for lunch.

And while 8 am not diagnosed with ocd I am diagnosed with PTSD with OCD like features and I believe these features are the reason I was prescribed a particular med.

So… am/was I having normal feelings of discomfort around a dilemma, or was this the first sign of my small crazy and no one knew what it was and just alienated me further because they didn’t know how to show me that was unreasonable without mocking and belittling me?

[gyrlversion]

Two brothers, hockey players, dead on same day of opioid overdose. ‘It was just a horrible, horrible morning.’

CLOSE

Becky Savage found her sons Nick and Jack dead in her home on the same morning after they experimented with oxycodone. Dana Hunsinger Benbow, dana.benbow@indystar.com

GRANGER — There were chores to do that Sunday morning and Becky Savage had started them. She was plucking up pieces of clothes strewn about the house — a house full of four boys — to load a heap of laundry into the washing machine.

Becky headed to her son Jack’s room to gather what she could and to start rousing him awake. “It’s time to get up. Dad has things he wants you to help with,” she said to him. “Jack, it’s time to get up. He wants you and Nick to help him.”

Jack kept sleeping, the way 18-year-old boys will do. Becky looked at him lying there in bed so peacefully. She doesn’t remember much about that morning, so much of it is a blur, but she recalls this clearly.

“I remember looking at Jack and thinking, ‘He’s just such a beautiful kid. He looks like an angel sleeping,'” Becky said. “Little did I know what the prophecy of that thought would hold for me that day.”

Jack Savage was adventurous, funny and smart. He was 18 when he died. (Photo: Provided by the Savage family)

‘I made eye contact with them’

Saturday had been busy. Jack and his older brother, Nick, 19, had gone that morning to the job they shared moving furniture for a motor home manufacturer. 

After their shift, the two standout hockey players — Nick, the quiet rule follower and Jack, the silly one who always had a smile on his face —  got haircuts. They had a big night ahead, lots of graduation parties to attend.

At home, freshly showered and dressed, they joined their mom to attend a few of those parties together. Their dad, Mike, had taken the two younger boys, Justin and Matthew, to the family’s lake house to fish.

Nick (left), 19, and Jack Savage, 18, died June 14, 2015, of opioid overdoses. (Photo: Provided by Savage family)

Later that night, Becky hugged her two oldest boys as they headed to another party. “Be home at a reasonable hour,” she told them. Becky didn’t go. She had grocery shopping to do, then she went home to wait up for her sons.

Just like clock work, Nick and Jack sauntered in that night on time as they always did, a little after midnight. They checked in with their mom.

“I made eye contact with them,” Becky said. “We had a 2-story foyer and I remember them coming in and I was looking at them and they headed into the kitchen to make a snack.”

Becky turned her light off and went to bed. Their late night snack finished, Jack went to his room and Nick, along with a few friends, headed to the basement.

Chills through her body

The more Becky looked at Jack that next morning, the more her concern grew. This wasn’t the typical scenario of not being able to get a teenager up.

She walked to his bed and nudged him, then tugged at him. Nothing.

Becky screamed for Nick to come upstairs from the basement. “I need your help! Nick! Help!” She ran to grab her cell phone and called 911, then rushed back to get Jack out of bed. She laid him on the floor and started CPR.

Buy Photo

Becky Savage said she wants her sons’ tragic deaths to save lives. (Photo: Dana Benbow/IndyStar)

While tending to Jack, she was still screaming for Nick. He was the oldest, the calm, collected one, even at 19. She needed him.  

Paramedics rushed into Jack’s room and then one of them, just as quickly, left. 

“Where are you going? Why are you leaving him?” Becky yelled as he rushed out of the room. “He’s a fighter. What are you doing?”

The next thing that happened is one of those bits and pieces Becky remembers from that terrible morning. It sent chills through her.

The paramedic who’d left Jack’s room returned. “We need a coroner,” he said.

“What?” Becky thought. “That doesn’t make sense.”

He hadn’t even been near Jack.

‘They experimented last night’

Becky had no idea, but at the same time she was calling 911 for Jack, those friends down in the basement had found Nick, just as Becky had found Jack — unresponsive.

The calls came in to dispatch, two different calls from the Savage house for two different young men. 

Jack (left) and Nick Savage experimented with oxycodone on the night of their deaths. (Photo: Rebecca Savage)

 “It was just a horrible, horrible morning,” Becky said, “that still doesn’t seem real.” 

Becky didn’t even make a move for the basement when she realized what was going on. Her world was crashing in on her. Two of her boys not waking up? She didn’t want to see Nick like she was seeing Jack.

“I wanted to remember him the way I saw him the day before, the smile,” she said. “And he gave me a hug before they left to go to the graduation party.”

Just as the horror set in, her mind switched gears. What had happened in her house? Was there a gas leak? She couldn’t stop screaming. What happened?

One of her sons’ friends turned to Becky: “They experimented last night… with oxy.”  

Oxycodone. Becky was a nurse. She needed someone to give them Narcan, a medication designed to reverse the effects of opioid overdose. She started asking the first responders if they had any.

They just looked at her. It was too late for Narcan.

Nick and Jack Savage were pronounced dead inside their home on June 14, 2015.

‘They just didn’t know’

It’s been four long years and Becky still thinks about it every single day. Someone showed up to that graduation party with a bottle of prescription pills in their pocket. Becky doesn’t want to know the details of who had them or what transpired that night. 

“I haven’t asked,” she said. “Nothing will ever change the outcome of that night and I can’t beat myself up over details of wanting to know. I have to focus on things I can change.”

She does know that Nick and Jack drank alcohol that night, which she believes impaired their decision-making and prompted them to try the pills.

The Savage family story struck a nerve in the community. Parents were terrified. If this could happen to Nick and Jack — star athletes with good grades who went to church and volunteered — it could happen to any of their kids.

Nick (right) and Jack Savage, the oldest of four boys, loved to hang out at their family’s lake home. (Photo: Provided by the Savage family)

Some people have asked Becky how she has managed to not point fingers or place blame.

“It is hard. I don’t think any good comes from blaming people,” she said. “Nick and Jack ultimately took them. It was their choice. It was an uninformed decision. They just didn’t know. I mean… they just didn’t know.”

Mike and Becky had talked to their boys about everything, all the stuff that they thought they were supposed to talk to their kids about — drinking, drinking and driving, illicit drugs, sex.

“But prescription drugs were not even on our radar,” she said. “Four years ago we had no idea that kids were even doing that.”  

Now, it’s the Savages’ mission to make sure teens and parents know what they did not.

So no one has to live the nightmare they did — losing two beautiful boys on the same day.

The four Savage brothers

“Well, they’re all so different,” Becky said, when she’s asked to describe each of her four boys.

The question brings a sweet smile to her face. She’s sitting in the kitchen of her Granger home, an incredible look of peace on the face of a mother who has endured so much.

Nick was born Nov. 28, 1995: “Nick, I would describe as, he always seemed to follow the rules, was very studious and quiet but still liked to go have fun with his friends. He was a good friend, but more of the line follower.”

Jack, May 25, 1997: “Jack was a firecracker from day one. He always, always had a smile on his face, like every picture I have it’s just this big cheerful smile. He was more adventurous. He was a good friend, just really got along with anybody he came into contact with.” 

Justin, Feb. 17, 1999: “He is a very soft-hearted kid. He is a good listener. He is a good friend, very adventurous, loves sports, of course, hockey.”

Matthew, Sept. 5, 2003: “He rounds out the group. He complements everybody, all of them wrapped into one. So we kind of got a bonus there. I see a lot of Nick and Jack in Matthew, which is nice.”

Justin, Nick, Mike, Matthew, Becky and Jack Savage. (Photo: Rebecca Savage)

All the brothers liked to fish at the lake home, where the family spent summers. They liked to go tubing and wake surfing, anything to do with a boat. They liked dirt bikes, anything outdoors.  

And all the boys played hockey. Mike had grown up playing the sport and as soon as the boys were old enough, he started taking them to the Ice Box, a skating rink in South Bend.

They dug in and learned how to skate, then starting playing Mini Mites, a hockey league for little guys.

“They became rink rats,” Becky said. 

When Nick and Jack were old enough to try out for travel teams, they did, and made the Irish Rovers club. The family was in Chicago every weekend for hockey and they would travel the Midwest for tournaments, Detroit, Indianapolis, Cleveland.

Nick and Jack both played forward, both wings. Sometimes, Jack would skate in at center.

Mike and Becky Savage loved watching their sons play hockey. Here, Nick takes the ice. (Photo: Provided by Savage family)

The best years of hockey for Mike and Becky came when their two oldest were on the Penn High Kingsmen club hockey team.Their birthdays had never fallen where they could be on the same team until then.

“It was so awesome to see them on the ice together,” Becky said.

Mike and Becky have that image etched in their minds, their two boys playing  the sport they loved. 

So does their coach, Ryan Geist. He still cannot believe Nick and Jack are gone.

Family photo from six to four

He was out working in his yard that fateful Sunday. About 11:30 a.m. or noon, his phone rang. One of the players on the Penn hockey team called Geist. He told Geist what had happened.

“I just couldn’t believe it,” he said. “I slumped in my chair in disbelief.”

Geist had coached Nick all four years of high school and Jack for his first three. These were good boys, players who never had a bad word to say about anyone, who accepted everyone, no matter their ability. They were the first to jump in and break up a fight on the ice.

Jack Savage (left) was aggressive and brilliant on the ice as a forward, playing for the Penn Kingsmen club. (Photo: Photo provided by Savage family)

And they were good. Really good. Nick and Jack didn’t just play locally. They were on teams made up of the best hockey players in the state.  

“It became pretty obvious pretty quickly they were two guys other teams said, ‘We need to pay attention to those two,” Geist said.

They played hard; they played aggressively. Off the ice, they were such good boys.

When Geist heard what had happened, he wanted to know the circumstances. He had always spent a lot of time talking to his teams about making good choices.

“That was the unbelievable part of it, I guess,” he said. “How would those two guys end up in that position? That tells you how really strong peer pressure can be.”

He felt so terrible for Mike and Becky, two of the best parents he’d ever met.

“I can’t imagine what they are going through,” he said, “a family photo going from six to four.”

‘Just 10 seconds’

Mike is quiet and doesn’t talk much publicly about his sons’ deaths. But in a Facebook video he says something, in tears, a heart-wrenching outpouring of emotion.

“I often think what I would give up to just have 10 seconds,” he said. “You’d give everything up for 10 seconds, just 10 seconds.”

Jack Savage with this dad, Mike, who got him started playing hockey. (Photo: Provided by Savage family)

Mike rushed home that Sunday in June from the lake house. He didn’t know what had happened, only that Becky had gotten in touch with a neighbor at the lake who told him there was an emergency at home.

As his car pulled up into the driveway, Becky saw him and ran to the door and opened it. She was standing there as Mike walked up.

“They’re gone,” she told him.

Mike collapsed to the ground.

“What I explain to kids is not only does that decision in that time affect you but it affects all your friends and your family,” Becky said. “We have a lifetime sentence now because of choices that Nick and Jack made. And they would never want that for us, I mean ever.” 

And so, a year after Nick and Jack’s deaths, a year of focusing on family and Justin and Matthew, Mike and Becky made a decision. They would take Nick and Jack on a journey with them — to tell the world their story.

This was Nick and Jack’s story, after all.

525 Foundation

Jack wore the No. 5 hockey jersey and Nick wore No. 25. Becky saw a photo of her four boys, Jack and Nick side by side making the number 525, and decided to name the foundation after that.

A photo of the four Savage brothers taken before Jack, 5, and Nick, 25, died on June 14, 2015. (Photo: Provided by 525 Foundation)

The 525 Foundation, a not-for-profit, brings awareness to the dangers of prescription drugs and the importance of disposing of unneeded medication. Becky speaks all over the country telling the story of that Sunday morning she found her two boys dead in her home.

Every single time, as she stands on stage, she looks into the audience and says to herself: “There is a Nick or Jack out there somewhere.”

In the three years since she began speaking publicly, she’s been blessed to hear so many stories of making a difference.

Parents tell her their teens are coming home to tell Nick and Jack’s story and starting crucial conversations. Teens are changing party plans, prom plans, graduation day plans.

As part of a drive started by the Savages, partnering with other organizations, their community has collected more than 6,000 pounds of pills. Becky has worked to install permanent pill drop boxes — called Drop 2 Stop — in local Martin’s supermarkets.

Justin and Matthew love to see the impact their two older brothers are making, even though their deaths are still so painful. So raw.

“We were a very, very tight… we are still a very tight family, but we are missing a big chunk of it. A big chunk of our heart is gone,” Becky said.  

Becky Savage with her sons, Jack (left) and Nick. She wants their lives to have made a difference. (Photo: Provided by Savage family)

The family talks about Nick and Jack every single day and, as time goes on, they find themselves laughing about the memories of them, more than crying.

The Savages live in a different house than the one where Nick and Jack died. They could never go back there to sleep. 

“That house had so many good memories in it,” Becky said. “It had the very worst in it, too.”

And yet that awful memory, she said, in her mind has a silver lining.

“To think that Nick and Jack’s life would end the way it did on June 14 of 2015, that’s not the way their story is going to end,” Becky said. “Their story is going to keep going and they are going to make a difference.”

Follow IndyStar sports reporter Dana Benbow on Twitter: @DanaBenbow. Reach her via e-mail: dbenbow@indystar.com.

Words of advice from Becky Savage

 — “Go home and clean out your medicine cabinets, dispose of unneeded medication.”

— “Have those conversations. Conversations save lives. If we plant that seed, maybe it will grow.”

 — Create an exit plan you can execute if your teen ends up in a situation they want to get out of. For example, have a code word they text so you know it’s time to go pick them up, no questions asked.

— Encourage kids to have a friend on the same page. “We forget as parents how hard it is to go against the grain of peer pressure. Have a friend to do it with you.”

— “If your kids call you to pick them up, don’t get them in the car and give them the riot act and ground them from their phones for two months. You are going to be disappointed, of course, it’s normal. But your kid did the right thing and they are still alive for you to talk to them about it.”

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[sincityshrink]

Mental Health Highlights of the 2017 Nevada Legislative Session

All in all the Nevada Legislature did an exceptional job in the 2017 session addressing mental/behavioral health needs in our community. Here are some highlights divided into three categories: Awesome, Meh, and Bad: 

Awesome

Insurance Payments go to Behavioral Health Providers Instead of Patients. 

So you’re not going to believe this, but until now if a person went to rehab for drug or alcohol addiction some insurance companies would send the payment for these services to - wait for it - the addict. Yea, you read that right. Have a heroin problem? Difficulty making good choices? Well a check for $30,000 to cover the rehab you just completed is coming to your mailbox with your name on it. By hey, I’m sure you’ll overcome the temptation of cashing that check and turning your life into a Disney Land of dope. 

Well now we don’t have to wait to find out. The insurance company will now be required to send the check directly to the rehab, just like they do when you go to a hospital. Imagine that. Thanks SB262! 

Four Regional Behavioral Health Policy Boards Will Advise the Governor and Legislature. 

Ok, I know policy board doesn’t sound sexy. So let me explain this another way. 

Nevada is: The. Worst. State. In mental health. How bad is it? In 2013 we got sued by California for busing patients there like refugees. In 2015 we ranked last in the nation for mental health resources - and only barely beat out Mars. 

So the Legislature just created four teams of experts based in the three civilized lands of Nevada - and then another board in Reno - to basically develop a comprehensive understanding of the needs of the local community and then educate our elected leaders - they can even propose a piece of legislation each session! Woo hoo AB366! 

Pharmacists Can Sell Overdose Antidote Over the Counter.

The opioid (heroin and narcotic pain killers) epidemic is, well, an epidemic. People who are addicted to these drugs are now the most likely of any substance abuser to overdose and die. 

But as it happens there is a medication called narcan which can revive a person who has overdosed from heroin. Until now it was rather difficult to get hold of this medicine, but thanks to our leaders families who have somebody struggling with the disease of addiction can acquire the medicine and possibly rescue their loved one should they overdose. 

AB428 is going to save thousands of lives. 

Meh

All the Professional Boards Will Now Answer to a Super Board. 

So if you didn’t know this already mental health providers fall into disciplines just like physical health providers. These disciplines regulate themselves with professional licensing boards which set rules and are responsible for granting permission to practice. Its that second thing which has been the problem. 

See the boards have had a hard time getting would-be practitioners through the obstacle course of regulatory requirements and into the field. Resulting in Nevada having the fewest professionals of any state in the union (see Mars meme above). To bring accountability the Commission on Behavioral Health will now oversee all the licensing boards to ensure that the jobs get filed and patients get treated. 

I’m not sure AB457 will solve anything, we need to re-work the regulatory requirements and implement reciprocity with other states. But its a step in the right direction. Sidenote: I proposed an amendment which allowed Clinical Professional Counselors be represented on the Super Board - since they are regulated by it and all. It passed =). 

Bad

Conversion Therapy is Outlawed.

Ok let me explain: 

“Conversion Therapy” is the nick name given to the practice of using psychotherapy to persuade somebody to accept their birth gender when they don’t identify with it. 

Too wordy? Caitlyn Jenner ---> Bruce Jenner. Got it? Ok. 

I’ve gone on national radio to speak against conversion therapy as a practitioner (so please no hate mail). Its a bad thing. Its unethical. Its unscientific. It causes harm. 

But I’m leery of the government stepping in and the winds of public opinion determining what medical professions will and will not do. As a rule, medical practitioners don’t look to their lawyers before attempting a procedure, they look to their colleagues, to ethical codes, to best practices, and to their regulatory boards. That last one is especially important because it allows medical providers to be scrutinized by their peers and held accountable for doing things that they ought not do. 

When we utilize government power to determine best medical practices we forego the time honored tradition of medical science self-regulating and producing evidence based results. In the case of conversion therapy the science has already spoken - but instead of the boards doing their job of policing the practices of licensed professionals the government took a red pen to the manual of techniques. 

I understand why they did it. And actually, I agree with the boards banning it altogether. But I’m wary of setting a precedent where each new batch of electeds circumvent regulatory boards and collegial supervision to legislate their own views into medical practice.  

So SB201 is a good law, but a bad precedent. 

[badbeeffarts]

Just to be clear, the pervious post was a comment in response to this gem that's being copy and pasted from all my super awesome republican fb mutuals: "If narcan is "free" to addicts because they have a disease, why isn't "chemo " free for cancer patients, that is a disease also. The list can go on, what do you think?" So my chill for the day is officially gone.

[blood-on-the-snow]

Oooh! I actually know one! Much underutilized in whump in my opinion, opioid blockers are one of my favorites for this. They don't cause pain on their own, so not great for the lazy torturer, but awesome if your torturer just wants something to go along with the pain they are already inflicting other ways.

Basically (medical people correct me if I'm getting any of this wrong,) our bodies create natural painkillers call opioids. When we are in serious pain, doctors can prescribe medical opioids that supplement the bodies natural opioids. Like most painkillers, opioids are sometimes misused and sometimes people overdose. One of the treatments for opioid overdose is Narcan (naloxone), which blocks the body from utilizing opioids, letting them leave the body safely without effect. Only, it blocks all opioids, even ones needed for pain, even ones naturally occurring in the body. So any pain the patient/victim is in is multiplied astronomically.

And more fun, since it has no recreational use, it is generally fairly easily available. It is available over the counter in 46 states so your torturer can walk in to a pharmacy and buy some without excessive scrutiny. And for the torturer on a budget, their own health insurance will likely cover most or all of the cost.

Okay so I’m writing a fic where the character is tortured purely for revenge reasons, and I was wondering if there are any toxins/poisons/injections/chemicals etc. that could be injected to inflict pain on the victim?

Ooh nice scenario! Option A is of course just make something up (I have a MacGuffin poison I made up that just causes pure pain heheheh ;)) but I’m sure you’ve thought of that.

Most poisons are going to cause the victim a lot of pain but the main problem is they’re also going to kill them or do a lot of permenant damage. A lot of painful poisons/venoms come from animals e.g. platypus vemon (doesn’t kill humans so might be good), octopus/jellyfish stings, ant and bees (check out the Schmidt pain index for that). Bullet ant stings are supposed to be the most painful stings in the world and the poneratoxin in them is not deadly. I assume injecting it would have a similar effect.

I know there are some people in this community who know more about poisons and medical accuracy than me so hopefully that helps you a bit and some other people will contribute their ideas :)

[specialagentfluffstein]

All the asks! In a really nice way!

All the asks, minus the attitude! Sorry this took forever, I just finally had some time to sit and do it.

1. What was the last present you gave? I gave one of the girls in my EMT class some apples off my neighbor’s tree as a thank you for creating a complete medical terminology quizlet and then sharing it. 

2. What was the last present you received? My stepdad has a 3D printer at work and he made me a little block thing with the Walt Disney castle/signature. 

3. What animal best represents your personality? Bears. 

4. What are you most afraid of? Failure.

5. Who is your favourite villain? Right this second? Dr. Facilier from The Princess and the Frog.

6. Who is your favourite family member? (we all have one, admit it) My sister.

7. If you could name your own planet what would it be called? Fluffsville.

8. Stars or Moon? Stars.

9. Do you have/want kinds? I’m gonna assume this means kids. No. 

10. What is your greatest life goal? Happiness. And also visiting every Disney park.

11. What is something you can’t live without? Music. I almost always have something playing. Right now it’s my ‘Halloweenie’ playlist on Spotify. 

12. What is a place you associate with your childhood? A specific local library.

13. How was your first kiss/how would you like your first kiss to go? It went terribly. I got cornered like a wounded animal and as soon as he left I scrubbed my lips with the fancy sugar scrub I reserve for special occasions. My second first kiss (new boy) was much nicer, even though he missed. 

14. What is some life advice you have acquired? If the worst thing that happens today is that you messed up on the radio, it’s been a good day. And keep a spare pair of boots polished, just in case.

15. Who in history has influenced you? David Bowie and Walt Disney.

16. What is something strange that you think about often? Simulation and consciousness theories. It makes my brain hurt, but also, what if none of this is real, beyond what I can see and experience at this very moment?

17. Baths or Showers? I usually take showers for convenience’s sake, but I do love a nice soak with fun bath bombs or Epsom salts.

18. Tea of Coffee? Before 1400? Coffee. After 1400? Tea. 

19. Alcohol or soft drink? What do the hard sodas (Henry’s, Not Your Father’s, etc.) count as? Because the first thing I bought alcohol-wise from the grocery store after I turned 21 last month was a six pack of hard grape soda. I’m kinda a lightweight, I’ll be real with you. 

20. Writing or typing? Both, but I prefer handwriting stuff. 

21. What is you most favourite thing in your bedroom? Ugh that’s like picking a favorite child. I guess, right this second, it’s the Greg (from Over the Garden Wall) figure on my desk.

22. Spontaneous holiday! Where are you going and with who? Disneyland with my Boo Thang. 

23. Introverted or Extraverted? Extravert. 

24. Describe yourself in two words. Attention Whore. 

25. A song that always puts you in a good mood. “Dancing Queen”

26. What makes you feel? Really good music or food. 

27. What was your favourite concert? Chris Isaak. I’ve seen him twice.

28. Any plans for a tattoo? Yes! I just need to buck up and get it.

29. What was the first book you ever read? I have no idea. Probably a Magic Treehouse book.

30. What was the first movie you saw in cinemas? No se.

31. What do you think of when you hear ‘portrait’? An image of something. 

32. Tell me about your partner/ideal partner? I have one of those! He’s funny and has a cat and does competitive pistol and rifle matches. 

33. Tell me about your siblings, if you have any? I have a sister. She’s great.

34. What is a topic you would like to talk about more? I really wish I had more people to discuss religion with, and not just Christianity. I think religion is super interesting, and it’s tough to find people who will discuss it objectively. 

35. What are you a big advocate for? Seeking counseling. Everyone should see a counselor. We’d be much happier as a society. 

36. If you’re comfortable to answer, what is the sickest you have ever been? This past January I got the flu or something after doing a bunch of traveling, and I was so out of it I forgot that I texted the Detective I was interning for at the time that I was sick and not coming in, and that he responded with like ‘feel better’ or whatever and I even responded to that. So I spent the whole day going ‘oh nooooo I’m a no call no show.’ 

37. When were you the most scared in your life? I woke up from a really horrible dream and for about twenty minutes I couldn’t figure out if it was real or not. 

38. Ever had a paranormal experience? Yes! My grandma’s house is absolutely haunted, and when I’d be there alone watching TV in the living room I’d hear footsteps like someone coming to see what I was watching. They weren’t malevolent or anything, but it was a little unsettling. 

39. Biggest celebrity crush at the moment? Henry Cavill. 

40. What is something happening in your life right now? I’m in an EMT class and it’s not awesome at all. 

41. What is your favourite mythological creature? UNICORNS. 

42. Marvel or DC? For movies? Marvel. For comics? DC.

43. What object would be on your family’s banner? Alcohol. 

44. Favourite flower? Carnations.

45. One characteristic you like in a partner? You have to be able to laugh at things. Especially vaguely off color things. 

46. What planet/star would you travel to if it were possible? Jupiter.

47. What is your favourite meal… ever? Thanksgiving. 

48. First time…. doing anything. Describe your first time doing something? The first time I ran an overdose call as a Police Explorer, I got to see the guy get dosed with Narcan. It was rad. And then we ended up arresting the guy later. 

49. Who is your favourite superhero? Nightwing.

50. What is your favourite poem? Recite it? This is Just To Say - William Carlos Williams

I have eaten

the plums

that were in

the icebox

and which

you were probably

saving

for breakfast

Forgive me

they were delicious

so sweet

and so cold

51. What is an exercise you despise doing. Running. God I hate it so much. 

52. Secret talent? I can pole dance. Not well, but I can do a couple tricks.

53. Current song on replay replay replay? “Halloween” by Sonic Youth and “All That Heaven Will Allow” by the Mavericks. 

54. Recommend me anything. Seriously… anything. Go listen to the Mavericks. They are great.

55. If you weren’t in your current occupation what would you be doing? Probably going to school for a masters.

56. What is the first thing you notice about the person you fancy? Shoes and smile.

57. If you had one wish that would definitely come true, what would it be? That money would never be an issue. 

58. If you could time travel, when and where would you visit? I feel like I would just go to a bunch of concerts. 

59. What is your lucky number? 21.

60. If you adopt a pet what would it be and what would you name it? Oh man so many dogs. I want five corgis and a pitbull and the pittie’s name would be Korg. Korg and the Corgis. 

61. Do you believe in fate/everything happens for a reason? Kind of. I think personal decisions have a lot to do with it. 

62. What is your favourite thing about your personality? I am so aggressively cheerful. 

63. What is your favourite thing about your appearance? Hair.

64. What is your favourite clothing store? To actually buy stuff in? TJ Maxx. To walk around in? Nordstrom’s. 

65. What is your favourite online store? Tarte, or any makeup site. I love makeup.

66. Use one word to describe your most favourite person? Blond.

67. How do you usually have your hair? Up, unfortunately.

68. What was your favourite subject in high school? English and EMR.

69. What makes you feel empowered? Good outfits and good makeup.

70. What motivates you to do something? Spite.

71. What advice would you give someone who is going through a rough time? Things might not get better per se, but they’ll suck differently, so whatever sucks now probably won’t suck in the future. 

72. Ideal date? Dinner and a Movie. 

73. What is the best date night movie? A comedy. 

74. What is something you are currently looking forward to? Halloween!

75. Tell me a funny joke? You wanna know how I know it’s going to be a spoopy Halloween? I can feel it in my…bones! *skeletons laughing*

76. Do you like musicals? If so, what’s your favourite? I do like musicals, my sister and I really like Something Rotten right now. And I love the Lion King.

77. What is your favourite song currently? “All That Heaven Will Allow” by The Mavericks.

78. What song never fails to make you dance? “Footloose”

79. What is your favourite “classic?” Classic TV.

80. What is the best advice you have ever been given? The radio advice from the earlier question. 

81. Where did you ancestors come from? I think they were Vikings.

82. What have you learned from your parents/guardians? “Yes And” is the best answer.

83. What is a phrase you heard a lot growing up? “Knock it off”

84. Do you believe in magic? yes.

85. What reminds you of your best friend? The pictures I took down because we aren’t friends anymore. 

86. What are you passionate about? Being my authentic self. And Disney.

87. Tell me a story from middle school? I skipped middle school.

88. Who was your favourite teacher and why? Barthe. He was wacky as hell and taught in a way that I retained pretty much everything. I still use stuff I learned from him in college as examples for what I learn now.

89. Can you roll your tongue? Yes, and I can fold it.

90. What made you pursue what you are studying? (including school subjects) I thought I loved it. Now I’m not so sure.

91. Where would you like to travel to? All the Disney Parks. And I’d like to visit all 50 states.

92. What is something on your bucket-list? Visit all 50 states.

93. What is home to you? Wherever my bed is.

94. What do you do in your free time? When I have it, which is like never, I knit and watch TV or hang out with my boyfriend. 

95. If you could buy anything right now, what would it be? A house. 3 Bed 2 Bath with  two car garage, stainless steel appliances, and a yard. 

96. If you could see anyone, living or dead, right now, who would it be? My late grandfather. I could use some of his advice.

97. If you could choose, what would your last meal be? Chicken Wings.

98. How would you like to die? Um yeah that’s not going to happen. If it does I better be like 120. 

99. List five of your favourite pieces of art (paintings, books, songs etc) Everything. Everything is art and I love it all. 

100. What would you change about this world? Equality. I have just as much value as my male counterpart, even if we have different strengths. 

Thanks for asking!

[mybluebird321]

Forever wanting what you cant have...

Days like today i am reminded. It is almost time for the cycle to begin again, and I am reminded. Reminded that there is nothing inside me any longer, Reminded that I am a woman who was a mom for a brief second, then in a flash it is like nothing ever happened, until i am reminded.

I have to be 100% honest because that's what this is about I  hated  being pregnant. It was the worst experience of my life. I did not have that warm happy feeling, or that glow people talk about. My face always looked drained to me. I was always in pain, pain that i was told was normal, now i am not so sure it was. I literally had to pee every twenty minutes from the time i was 11 weeks on. It was annoying as hell. Thats not even mentioning the puking. I puked more often in the 5 months i was pregnant than i did collectively in my entire life. There was nothing amazing or awesome about this pregnancy except i knew in the end it would all be worth it. Every throw up in the middle of my new job (which i loved and didnt want to lose) i cringed, but i knew that it would all be worth it in the end. The suffering did end, all too soon. There was no reward at the end of the  misery. All i got was a birth with no cry after, there was no feeling, no reward, no happy ending.

That is what they forget to tell you about in the fairy tales. There isn't always a happy ending to every story. Sometimes it ends really, really, bad. Sometimes there is no redemption, or second act. Sometimes the baby dies, the narcan doesn't work, the heart transplant fails, and the cancer takes over.

Somehow, it was still worth it all. Now i would kill to be that miserable again, maybe i will get my wish. On hopeful days i believe that i will. On other days i feel like i just got the Chance Card in monopoly, “Go back to start, do not pass go, do not collect $200.”

But to give some of this a purpose, a semi hopeful ending, I am still staying motivated. Markus tat’s are on the horizon for daddy and me. We have both been going to the gym at least 3 times a week. Our nutrition could be a little better, but we are giving it a great effort, and it will get even better now that we have worked 5 months worth of junk out of our arteries. We are hopeful to conceive again, and as i am speaking this into life i am still hoping for twins, one boy and one girl. Ahh, a Mom can dream.