#n when i try to put myself out there they dont listen to me anyway
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antifragi1e · 2 years ago
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am having a crisis again
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sp3ncerr31dsw1f3 · 11 months ago
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i love you
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an: lol my first ever fanfic lmfao pls dont bully me and I'm sorry I'm making so many changes after proof reading (song: i love you by billie eilish)
warnings: mentions of blood, death and stabbing, i think that's it pls lemme know if i missed any!
pairing: spencer reid x f!reader
genre: angst with happy ending, fluff
It was like any other case. I do my part and the others do theirs. Or so I thought. I was hurt almost a month back from a stab wound to the side when I should've been paying attention. Spencer was on the way to warn me, but it was too late. I was laying in a pool of my own blood. I heard Spencer's name in an echo. I could't respond, on the verge of death. If he hadn't come in time, I probably would've been dead. Spencer and I had an argument before us coming on this case because today wasn't actually the day I was supposed to return. I actaually had one and a half weeks left, but of course, boy genius found out. We bickered about, but I ended up coming anyway and he didn't say a word to me the whole flight here, nor did he look at me.
Right now, we're on another life risking case. Trying to find a little girl and the man somewhere in the house hiding with her. Spencer along side of me, closer than he'd usually be before I got stabbed. He's trying to prevent what happened last time from happening again. I appreciate that, but if he ever got hurt, or worse, killed because of me being unattentive of my surroundings, I'd never be able to forgive myself. I shake off the thought when I hear a muffled scream and a man yelling 'shut up'. Instinctivley, Spencer moves in front of me. I hold my gun a bit to my waist, again, not the best idea. "Come out!", Spencer yells. "We're the FBI!", he yells out once again, turning towards me and nodding his head to where the sounds were coming from. I was thrown off by the fact that he didn't even look at me when he turned my way. He looked a bit past me, which kind of made me upset. I stand by the door with my back towards the wall as he kicks in the door. The man suddenly lets go of the small girl and charged towards Spencer and in that moment I froze. My fault. If he dies, It's all my fault. The man punched Spencer twice before I point my gun towards the man, but as I did, he saw me and immediately started charging toward me. Out of shock, remembering what happened to me last time, I drop. The man hovering me. I close my eyes tight, while he has a knife to my throat.
Once again, I hear Spencer's name, but loud and clear this time. My eyes shoot open and I use my free hand, which is close to the knife on my thigh and reach for it. I quickly stab the man in his leg repeatedly until he's off of me. Spencer immediately rushes over to the man and puts him in cuffs. He then comes over to me whose catching my breath that I held in and from the man's weight. "Are you okay?", he asks worriedly, scanning my body. I nod and point to where the little girl is, signaling him to help her first. I get up feeling a familiar pain where I was stabbed. I lift up my shirt only to see the stitching being opened. I pull it back down when I see Spencer carrying the little girl in his arms. I rush over to her. "Are you okay, sweet girl?", I ask the small girl. She nods and starts to cry. I tell Spencer to take her to Emily and I'll be there in a bit. Right after Spencer settles the girl with Emily, he immediately comes back to me with a worried expression. "Y/N...are you okay?", he asks coming closer. "It hurts, Spencer.", I say with tears in my eyes. I was talking both about the argument and the wound. I couldn't stand being on bad terms with Spencer. He was the love of my life, though he doesn't know that.
"What hurts, Y/N?", he asked, scanning my face, noticing I'm in both mental and physical pain. He then scans my body and spots the blood on the side of my shirt. "Oh God, did he do that?", he asked, his voice shaking. "Why didn't you just listen to your doctor and stay back?", he looks at me while holding the wound as it continuously bled. My legs are wobbling, not just from the pain, but the mental exaustion. He was right. I should've listened. I am not mentally nor physically ready yet. We get to the ambulance that was already outside. "Please help her.", Spencer says desperately to the medic. I get into the back of the second ambulance as Spencer informs the team what happened. I saw him open the back of the ambulance with me. "Hey, angel. We're gonna get you help, okay?", he says, wiping the tears off of my face. The exaustion soon took over and I passed out. I soon wake up in the hospital bed. The wound feeling a bit better. They restitched it. I turn to my side to see Spencer fast asleep with his head resting on the side of the bed. I weakly place my hands in his hair, which made him stir and slowly open his eyes.
"Hi, sweet girl. They brought you food.", he says. "Hi, Spence. You can have the jello", I smile at him. "Really?, Thank you.", he says exictedly, but he has tears in his eyes. "Angel?", he says. I hum in response. "Please, please listen to your doctor." he says pleadingly. "They're mostly always right.", he says holding his hand in mine. I smile and chuckle. "Yeah, I know.", I say reffering to him. He laughs along, but says in a trying to be serious tone, "No, but really, Y/N. I can't lose you. I almost did. Twice.", he pauses for a moment. "I love you, Y/N. So so much.", he says bringing my palm to his face. My heart skips a beat and my eyes well with tears, never expecting that from him. "I love you too, Spence.", I say with a shaky voice while brushing my thumb over his teary cheek. "So so much."
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dirkspanelcollection · 3 months ago
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all pages of pozzol broyer from vast error.... (pwetty pweaseeeee🥺🥺🥺🥺) (you dont know who i am) (please...)
i know who you are edo...... i was gonna do this anyways but since you asked so nicely /j
EVERY PAGE POZZOL BROYER FROM VAST ERROR IS IN
plus dialogue
PART ONE
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from page 936
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from page 937
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from page 947
ELLSEE: ThΣrΣ's no anglΣs¡¡¡¡ Just thΣ full honΣst truth¡¡¡¡¡¡ELLSEE: I don't ΣvΣn know what a liΣ is¡¡¡¡¡¡ELLSEE: WΣ abolishΣd thosΣ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ ThΣy'rΣ illΣgal now¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ POZZOL: abolished EH?POZZOL: begging THE pardon OF my INHOSPITABLE intrusionPOZZOL: BUT my POSSE and I have BEEN told DIFFERENTLY
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from page 948
ELLSEE: Oh¡¡¡¡ Loving thΣ... sΣvΣrΣd hand¡¡¡¡ Stylish¡¡¡¡¡¡ELLSEE: ΣxtrΣmΣly chic, rΣally cool. POZZOL: went OUT and EARNED it MYSELF in THE name OF the RAWED brothers DOCTRINE
POZZOL: a TROPHY of MY victory AGAINST these SOCIETAL injustices THE unnurtured TRY and STUFF down OUR crusty HAMHOLES
POZZOL: but IT doesnt MEAN too MUCH to ME if YOURE speaking SOME hard TRUTHS or NOT ELLSEE: Right¡¡¡¡ I'm surΣ you havΣ your rΣasons for your... viΣwpoints. POZZOL: so IF abolishment IS on THE two ABOVES table
POZZOL: WHY dont YOU take THIS sweet TIME you HAVE with US to UNPUZZLE a FEW of OUR maddened INQUIRIES about IT ELLSEE: Y-yΣah¡¡¡¡ SurΣ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ELLSEE: What kind of quΣstions do you havΣ¿¿¿¿ POZZOL: if I were TO ask ONE thing
POZZOL: AND only ONE thing
POZZOL: WELL
POZZOL: i FEEL as THOUGH i SPEAK for THE entire CREED of MY age OLD mirthamaniac HEELS and FACES when I pose ON you THIS
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POZZOL: whats IT gonna LOOK like
POZZOL: WHEN you BLEED
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TALALD: wowie zowie!!!!!!!!!!! that whole thing was exhilarating!!!! POZZOL: well I suppose WHEN youre RIGHT you TEND to BE right MISSUS dirty CLAY
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TALALD: i cant believe it!!!!!! this is all really working!!!!!! i mean i knew it was going to work but the fact that its still working puts me in stitches!!!! TALALD: i didnt even know what ed meant by reconnaissanceing the stronghold until now, but we should definitely do it again sometime if these are the results!!!!!
POZZOL: and WHAT results THEY decided TO be
POZZOL: FOR a CHANGE i THINK you GOT more THAN one REASON to BE a LITTLE boisterous OVER something TALALD: and youre just happy we had steamed hams in the city and you got to smash that one red guys face into the counter and take his hand arent you????? POZZOL: HE got MY triple DECKER order FENANGLED all OVER the PLACEPOZZOL: was THE only FAIR trade OFF if YOURE asking ME TALALD: he didnt work there though!!!! our food materializes through the power of automated paste science thingies!!!! thats what the sign said :ooo POZZOL: surprised YOU remembered EVEN that MUCH of THE picture
POZZOL: BUT it AINT like WE didnt GET granted A fast PASS out OF the GREASEPAN on BOTH occasions
POZZOL: MADE me EXPEL a FEW wasted GRACES on OUR sour LIFEBOUND soulfriend BUT i NEVER once DOUBTED your EXCEPTIONAL guesstimation SKILLS
POZZOL: least NOW shes GOT something TO chew ON until OUR joint PROPHECY gnaws AT her TALALD: big als real good at keeping things in check!!! TALALD: wed have been pancaked just like that guys face if he hadnt zooped us out of there!!! heehee!!!!!! POZZOL: WHY dont YOU go ON and TAKE your VERBAL jingle OVER yonder TO ring THEM in FOR us TALALD: are we really good??? did we really really really really really make it without tripping in our skipping?!?!?!?! POZZOL: SEEMS more THAN solid WERE you TO be GETTING my SENSE of IT all
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POZZOL: LETS bring ON the CAVALRY
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NEILNA: |yo|ringleader| POZZOL: lay IT on ME strongarm
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POZZOL: looks LIKE she PUT up QUITE the SCUFFLE amongst YOU KEIKSI: She doesn't re@lly listen to re@son, sir!! KEIKSI: I me@n, you told us th@t if she disobeys we should pin her down... right? @A@ POZZOL: i SUPPOSE that WAS indeed THE case WASNT it
POZZOL: QUITE the TASK to ASK of YOU two ALL things CONSIDERING
POZZOL: now BACK to YOUR stations BOTH of YOU
POZZOL: i WANT all ENTRANCES on FULL lockdown FOR this ONE you HEAR
POZZOL: if I find ANOTHER regulator HIDING in WAIT to LET more MATCH picks LOOSE then ITS bound TO be YOU and ME after THE juniors BOUT NEILNA: |what about|her boss| POZZOL: she AINT your FUCKING problem
POZZOL: THIS is ON me NEILNA: |aight then|we'll bounce|
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POZZOL: YOU got DRY eyes THIS time YOUNGBLOOD
POZZOL: guess YOU know BETTER by NOW
POZZOL: or MAYBE you ONLY understand WHAT pains TAUGHT you TO avoid
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POZZOL: SO why DONT you TELL me
POZZOL: TO what ENDS do YOU believe THAT running DOES your HIDE any GOOD here
POZZOL: YOU cant BE thinking THAT youd JUST scurry ON up AND leave US TAZ: ~...~ POZZOL: GUESS you DONT gotta SAY much EITHER way
POZZOL: THERE aint NO marks OF tears STAINING your CHEEKS but TO me THERES a BLEMISH much MORE investing TO witness
POZZOL: THE way YOU hide THE active BLESSING she GRACED you WITH
POZZOL: shame STILL radiates OFF you LIKE a FESTERING ailment YOU cant SHAKE
POZZOL: the SIGIL of THE fortmistress WEIGHS heavy DONT it TAZ: ~please jus+ le+ me go.~
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POZZOL: you REALLY think THERES anything WAITING for YOU out THERE kid?
POZZOL: THAT eventually SOMEONE is GONNA end UP dropping WHAT theyre DOING just FOR your SAKE? because THEY think THEY know WHO you ARE?
POZZOL: feel THAT theyll EVER cheer YOUR name THE same WAY we DO in HERE?
POZZOL: there AINT nothing UNCONDITIONAL like THAT beyond THESE here RINGS freshmeat
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POZZOL: YOURE only ACCEPTED so LONG as YOURE placated AND restrained POZZOL: YOU were NOT made FOR them POZZOL: THE bountiful AND the UNGRATEFUL POZZOL: you DONT fit THIS carbon COPY mold THE folks UP in THE big TOP wanted YOU squeezed IN from THE second YOU popped OUTTA the REDUPLICATOR POZZOL: the FORTMISTRESS? she ENSURED you HAD a PLACE where YOU belonged POZZOL: SHE handcrafted YOUR name AND made DAMN sure YOU had SOMEPLACE to GO POZZOL: lotta GOOD people INCLUDING myself MADE sure HER will WAS carried OUT POZZOL: if THEY hadnt GIVEN you OVER we WOULDVE laid WASTE to THAT faux SHELTER they THINK amasses ANYTHING close TO the UTOPIA this PLANET used TO be POZZOL: ALL for HER word POZZOL: ALL for YOU tazsia POZZOL: YOURE this WORLDS heel POZZOL: THE folks WANDERING about OUT there WITH their THINKSTUBS so FAR up THEIR own BACKEND wont SEE who YOU really ARE POZZOL: they CANT comprehend YOUR purpose AND they SHOULDNT try TO POZZOL: you WERE made TO be FEARED POZZOL: so WHY are YOU so AFRAID of WHO you REALLY are? POZZOL: ANSWER that FOR me WHENEVER you FIGURE it OUT POZZOL: and DONT worry POZZOL: IM a PATIENT man TAZ: ~...~
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POZZOL: FOR now YOU have A gauntlet TO run THROUGH POZZOL: easy PICKINGS for THE fortraiser TO be POZZOL: YKNOW i REALLY dont LIKE to INFLATE the WHOLE situation POZZOL: BUT youre ACTUALLY so FUCKING lucky POZZOL: THERE was A life PLAN set OUT for YOU from THE start POZZOL: YOU didnt EVEN have TO figure OUT the TRUTH on YOUR lonesome POZZOL: WISH i HAD a SITUATION like YOURS growing UP POZZOL: took ME far TOO long TO get IT POZZOL: deadlock LAID the GROUNDWORK all DOWN for YOU to RISE up POZZOL: FOLLOW the RIGHT steps AND wipe SOME nasty LOWBLOODED soul SAP off YOUR face POZZOL: AND you GOT it MADE POZZOL: loyalty TO the CAUSE is ALL it TAKES POZZOL: you SHOULD be HAPPY TAZ: ~wha+ if i don+ wan+ +o be~ POZZOL: begging YOUR illmade PARDON TAZ: ~wha+ if +his isn+ wha+ i wan+~ TAZ: ~wha+ if i +ry +o run again~ POZZOL: then THATS gonna BE your PROBLEM POZZOL: ive BEEN very UNDERSTANDING so FAR tazsia POZZOL: BUT you REALLY think THIS is ABOUT what YOU want INSTEAD of WHAT this PLACE needs? POZZOL: YOUR ancestor FIGURED that SHIT out BECAUSE she HAD people LIKE me AROUND her TO keep EVERYONE in LINE POZZOL: and IF you KEEP this LITTLE rebellious STREAK of YOURS up AND going FOR very LONG POZZOL: if YOU dare TO defy HER wishes
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POZZOL: THEN you CAN expect TO have SOME goddamn SENSE beaten INTO you REAL quick
POZZOL: OR youre GONNA die A disappointment
POZZOL: EITHER way IS fine BY me
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POZZOL: its RARE form TO see YOU so LOST in THOUGHT during THE sport
POZZOL: MAKES one WONDER if YOUR heart IS really INTO all THE carnage VILCUS
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VILCUS: 〈« far as i'm concerned, our hearts have always been in different places. »〉
POZZOL: befitting OF an ELDER brother
POZZOL: LESS so OF a CURRENT speaker
VILCUS: 〈« you're sayin' that as though you'd ever let me speak as i pleased. »〉
POZZOL: IT does US all A load OF good WHEN you STICK to THE assigned SCRIPT
POZZOL: as ONE might BE able TO misconstrue INTENTIONS otherwise
POZZOL: MY thoughts ON the MATTER are IMPARTIAL
VILCUS: 〈« so i've heard. »〉
POZZOL: and SO youd HEAR even BETTER if YOU bit YOUR tongue WHEN necessary
VILCUS: 〈« 'nd what's your angle with that, then? »〉
POZZOL: A simple SMATTERING of INTRIGUE sauced UP with A little EXTRA musing
POZZOL: VAGUELY wondering AS to WHAT exactly MIGHT not HAVE interested YOU in TONIGHTS set
POZZOL: SOME of THESE small BLESSINGS are GOING to BECOME genuine ARTICLES within THE next COUPLE of SWEEPS
POZZOL: the LITTLE poemme PERFORMED admirably AND snagged MORE than A fistful OF trophies
POZZOL: AND yet WHEN you LOOK at HER your VOICE rings HOLLOW
POZZOL: even AS the CROWD bursts WITH the ADRENALINE you SHOOT up INTO their SPIRITS
POZZOL: whenever YOUR eyes LAND on HER i CAN feel THE chucklevoodoo FADING
POZZOL: why IS that
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POZZOL: SECRETS only EVER last FOR so LONG vilcus POZZOL: YOURS lasted A healthy TWO sweeps POZZOL: IT impresses ME still POZZOL: I wonder WHAT it WAS that YOU told HER POZZOL: what YOU pawned OFF under YOUR two-faced GUISE of TRUTH POZZOL: in FULL honesty AT first MY instinct WASNT to PUNISH you POZZOL: IT was SIMPLY to FIND out WHY from HER POZZOL: why TO this DAY she STILLS feels THAT others WILL liberate HER
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POZZOL: but THEN i DID a LITTLE digging
POZZOL: AND it CHANGED my PERSPECTIVE
POZZOL: granted THAT in THE end A day LIKE this WAS always BOUND to COME
POZZOL: i NOTICED you WERE lacking WILL from THE moment I stepped UNDER the RIGID carny TEETH that WELCOMES us ALL
POZZOL: and IT aint LIKE its HER fault THAT you GAVE her IDEAS which FURTHER warped HER already DENTED sensibilities
POZZOL: THAT she COULD ever FIND common GROUND with SOME garish OFF shade OF bronze
POZZOL: BUT it TURNS out THAT you WERE never REALLY all TALK all THE time WITH no BITE like I once THOUGHT
POZZOL: you REALLY believed EVERY single WORD that YOU said DIDNT you
POZZOL: AND not ONLY that
POZZOL: YOU carried IT out IN practice
POZZOL: RENEWING your SKIN vows WITH a RUSTIE who NEVER even KNEW your TRUE squandered COLORS
POZZOL: shouldve SEEN the LOOK on HIS face WHEN we BUSTED down THE door
POZZOL: THE sweat AND tears POURING down HIS cheeks
POZZOL: THE way HIS heart ALMOST burst
POZZOL: BEFORE i BURST his CHEST open FOR him VILCUS: 〈« FUCK YOU. »〉 POZZOL: I want TO remember THIS
POZZOL: and I want YOU to REMEMBER it TOO VILCUS: 〈« SO, WHAT? I COMMIT THIS "SIN" YOU FIND SO EGREGIOUS AND YOU WON'T EVEN FUCKING KILL ME LIKE I KNOW YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED? »〉 VILCUS: 〈« YOU FUCKING COWARD. »〉 POZZOL: i DONT need TO do ANYTHING
POZZOL: by THE time YOU step OUT of HERE
POZZOL: their BLOOD and YOUR face WILL be DOING all OF the TALKING for ME
POZZOL: the OTHERS will DECIDE your FATE past THAT
POZZOL: its OF no CONSEQUENCE to ME
POZZOL: ive ALREADY relished IN the SMALL drops OF satisfaction YOU allowed ME to HAVE during OUR acquaintance
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POZZOL: IF only MOMENTS like THESE lasted A little LONGERPOZZOL: right BROTHER?
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POZZOL: IM genuinely IMPRESSED with YOUR drive TO act IN this SITUATION
POZZOL: to COME to ME after WHATS all SAID and DONE
POZZOL: announcing THAT youre WILLING to TAKE on EVERYTHING theyve SO distastefully ACCRUED in THEIR stead
POZZOL: TO be FEELING that THIS is A burden I would LET you BEAR just BECAUSE you MADE some GRAND gesture OF ill FITTED loyalty TAZ: ~I+'s a par+ of +he code.~ TAZ: ~You +augh+ me how +his works.~ TAZ: ~+he only way +o absolve +he sins of one associa+ed wi+h +he dark congrega+ion is +o wash i+ away in blood.~ TAZ: ~Be i+ in a +ransferral of +heir vice or in +heir dea+h.~ TAZ: ~+ha+'s +he only way you can be freed from +his place.~ TAZ: ~And +hey're gone.~ TAZ: ~+heir blood is lingering on my fucking skin.~ TAZ: ~+ha+'s +he impuri+y you feel so s+rongly abou+.~ TAZ: ~Bu+ i+'s MINE now.~ TAZ: ~+hose are +he rules.~ POZZOL: LEMME go AHEAD and TELL you SOMETHING for POSTERITY
POZZOL: the THING about RULES is THAT they AINT what SOME would CALL ironclad
POZZOL: RULES only STAY in PLACE as LONG as THERES a SILENT majority WILLING to FOLLOW them
POZZOL: OR someone UPTOP whos INVESTED in PRACTICING a BOUT of ENFORCING
POZZOL: you FOLLOWING?
POZZOL: ill GIVE it THAT you GOT a WIDE set OF pheromonal SACKS to STEP up TO me AND try TO sell A couple CRISPY licks IN my DIRECTION
POZZOL: got ME to LISTEN to SOMETHING i REALLY have NO business IN hearing OUT
POZZOL: the WHOLE ordeal IS veryPOZZOL: CUTE
POZZOL: for LACKING in OTHER words TO describe HOW this IS all SHAKING down RIGHT in FRONT of MY eyesPOZZOL: BUT the ONLY thing KEEPING me AWAY from YOU
POZZOL: from THEM
POZZOL: and FROM your LITTLE bronzeblooded BOYTOY
POZZOL: is MY own RESTRAINT
POZZOL: i RESPECT the FACT that YOU actually FELT strongly ABOUT something FOR once AND stood YOUR ground THOUGH
POZZOL: and WITH such CREATIVITY tooPOZZOL: SO alrightPOZZOL: IF you WANNA talk RULES
POZZOL: lets SET a FEW up AS a BASELINE
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POZZOL: you WANNA get OUT of HERE so BAD?
POZZOL: then YOU earn IT like EVERYONE else
POZZOL: YOU go PRO
POZZOL: when WE call YOU come RUNNING
POZZOL: when WE say JUMP you ASK on WHOS head
POZZOL: WHEN we GIVE you SOME poor FUCK we WANT gone FROM this PLANET you DISPOSE of THEM TAZ: ~So...~ TAZ: ~every+hing I've already been doing, +hen?~ TAZ: ~If +his is a deal, I don'+ really unders+and wha+ you ge+ ou+ of i+.~ POZZOL: i DONT always HAVE to GET something MATERIAL to FEEL content IN my ACTIONS
POZZOL: sometimes THE knowledge OF the SITUATION is ENOUGH to KEEP ones INTEREST alivePOZZOL: AND i LIKE knowing THAT even WHEN youre OUT of SIGHT
POZZOL: you STILL belong HERE TAZ: ~Are +hose your only +erms?~ TAZ: ~You won'+ do any+hing else so long as I'm s+ill chained +o +he sec+?~ POZZOL: i SHOULDNT have TO do ANYTHING else
POZZOL: BECAUSE what ALL of THIS shows ME
POZZOL: is WHAT makes YOU scaredPOZZOL: WHAT keeps YOU from YOUR true POTENTIAL
POZZOL: your HEATHEN mentor ACTUALLY taught ME a LITTLE something TOO over THE course OF all THIS insubordination AND tall TALK
POZZOL: its THAT whenever YOU think SOMETHING can LAST forever
POZZOL: IT always ENDS up RUINED by THOSE who WANT it THE most
POZZOL: SO why ARE you SO willing TO fight FOR that?
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POZZOL: what I would LIKE to BE getting IS your REPORT on THE situation
POZZOL: HOW did YOU tango WITH that MEGAPHONE mouthed MUTANTBLOOD TALALD: i did just what you asked!!! TALALD: sure enough my lil bopper has put him to rest!!! TALALD: he's going to be sleeping like a little grub swaddled in osmosis goo!!! TALALD: all nice and tuckered out :))) POZZOL: youPOZZOL: WERE supposed TO kill HIM TALALD: huh????? POZZOL: bitch AM i RIGHT up AND standing BEFORE you WRITING out VOCAL passages IN pretext
POZZOL: I told YOU to FUCKING slaughter HIM TALALD: hmmmmmm nope! i dont think you did!! TALALD: i think i would have known what you meant if you were using a secret code!!! im the one who actually memorized the signals yknow pozzy puff! TALALD: tap means bitty bopper! rest means lil bopper! play means big bopper! TALALD: kill isnt even a real word probably!!! TALALD: you and your crew have such a weird way of talking about really simple stuff!
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10 notes · View notes
fxlling13 · 1 year ago
Text
Lie
Dh!master x fem!reader
Synopsis: the master and the doctor both notice how much you have changed over the past few months. And it worries them.
Warnings: abuse, physical and mental. Injuries, breakdowns, Death, murder. The master kills a man. Victim blaming . Manipulation. Probably more.
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Sitting in the console room, the master put his paper down and looked up. The doctor was under the console, trying to improve on something. He honestly didn't care enough to ask. Instead, there was something else on his mind. Sitting forward, he scratched his chin thoughtfully.
"What is it? Because I can hear your brain working from here." The blonde said, not moving from her spot.
"Have you noticed anything off about (y/n)?" Sliding out, the doctor sat up and pulled her goggles off.
"Oh thank god its not just me."
Coming to stand in front of him, she crossed her arms.
"She's been attached to you. It's like everything else scares her." Her observation was indeed correct and whilst the master wasn't complaining, it was worrying.
"She used to be so confident and brave. When did it change?" He asked, looking up at his old friend. She hummed, pacing slightly to try and think clearer.
"I dont think there's any point in being coy, she's obviously the closest to you out of any of us. If anyone can find out, it's you." nodding, the master stood and cracked his neck.
"I'll try my best. Should we go pick everyone up?"
They landed in the usual spot in Sheffield. Yaz was already there, bounding in once the doors were fully materialised. The master almost laughed at how excited she was to see the doctor. Dan was next, on time as usual. Immediately, he began to brag about his date with Diane. Not bothering to listen, the master stood by the door and waited. His fingers tapped against his arm worriedly. Thirty minutes late by this point, he huffed walking back over to the console.
"We could always go forward in time, to the point she arrives?" Yaz suggested but they shook their head.
"I want to see how late she is. You two can go decide on where we go alright?" Agreeing with the doctor, yaz and Dan sat on the steps discussing.
I was practically running down the street. Well, I say running, hobbling would be more accurate. I'd made him really angry this time. Stupid mistake. I shouldn't of mentioned any of my friends. Especially not him, but I couldn't help it. Not when I'd grown so close to the master. He was always there for me, to help me get away from the hell at home. Taking a deep breath, I looked at my phone and saw I was nearly an hour late. They were definitely going to question me. I entered the tardis anyway, a fake smile plastered on my face.
"Ah! (Y/n)!" The doctor cheered, rushing over to me. Giggling, I shut the door to block out the cold. I was only in a thin sweatshirt, even in the winter. Only because he had ripped my clothes to shreds.
"Sorry I'm late. Train was delayed." I lied through my teeth, praying to myself that it was convincing. Grinning, the doctor grabbed my arm and pulled me to the console. I couldn't help but wince, not expecting her to do that. Looking to my side, I saw the master stood there. He was leaning against a pillar with his hands in his pockets. Jacket discarded and sleeves rolled up, I almost blushed just seeing him. He simpered, coming to my side.
"Have a good few days off?" No. Doing my best to seem happy, I nod and told a few false stories to them.
"Well that's great! Yaz, have you decided where we're going?" The doctor asked, the pair coming to join us. The brunette suggested something and the doc got to work piloting. Suddenly, a hand landed on my shoulder. Out of reflex, I flinched harshly and covered myself from harm. But nothing happened. Lowering my arms, found the master looking at me with worry. I just laughed it off, swallowing down my anxiety.
"Everything alright?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" I responded way to quickly and I knew he thought that.
"You've got a bruise on your cheek." He pointed out, thumb brushing against it softly.
Oh no. In my rush I obviously forgot to cover it.
"Oh yeah. Funny story that. Walked right onto a door frame." All he did was nod at my fake tale. Slowly, he opened his arms.
"Come here." Not needing to be told twice, I wrapped my arms around his waist and sank into his hold immediately. How could I not fall in love? From the minute he began to travel with us, the master was by my side. He'd put himself before me no matter what.
"You know I'd never hurt you, right?" Even the way he spoke with me was so soft. So genuine.
"Of course."
Three mad, near death adventures later, we were gathered round the console exhausted.
"So, drop you off to recharge yeah?" My heart dropped at the doctors words but I knew I had no choice. Yaz nod, happy to get some rest. And Dan, well he wanted his girlfriend. All I could focus on was the fact I'd have to see my 'boyfriend' again. No matter how many times I tried to break up, he wouldn't let me go.
"(Y/n)? You okay?" Dan appeared next to me. I jumped, not expecting to hear his voice. He looked confused at my reaction and lifted a hand; probably to touch my shoulder in hindsight. Backing up, I felt my back hit someone's chest. I relaxed, recognising that it was the master.
"I'm fine, sorry. Zoned out." Unconvinced, Dan didn't have time to reply as we landed abruptly. Heading for the door, the doctor stopped me.
"Stay safe." Oh how I wish she knew. But they could never know. Without responding, I left and hurried home.
--------☆
Counting to ten, I took a deep breath then went inside my house. The tv was blaring, some old Hollywood movie. Realising he wasn't there, I made my way to the kitchen. It was a state as usual. Pans piled high, moldy plates and stained glasses. Plus, it stunk of stale food.
"Where have you been?" A slurred voice came from behind me. All the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
"Answer me!" He yelled, forcing me to turn around. Having me trapped against the counter, my heart rate picked up.
"With my friends." Mistake number one. Rolling his eyes, the taller gripped my wrist so tight, I thought it might break.
"Stop lying! Are you cheating? I bet you are. You're such a whore! Sleeping with every man you lay your eyes on." Whimpering at his accusations, I shook my head fiercely.
"No I swear!" Mistake number two. Chuckling dryly, he sneered.
"Did you just yell at me? Huh, you little bitch." My body began to shake as I knew what was coming. When I said nothing, the drunk male slapped me. I fell to the floor with a thud.
"Let me guess, you were off with that man you told your mother about?" Now internally screaming at myself for talking about the master, I chose to remain silent.
"What's so good about him anyway? I bet he's just some ugly little rat. Could never be a better man than me." Anger boiled beneath the surface. Without thinking, I snapped.
"Dont talk shit about him!" Third mistake. His eyes were vacant and soulless. Saying nothing, he grabbed the wine bottle from the counter and smashed it on the edge. Glass exploded around me as I let out a scream. He held it up, ready to use.
"You're gonna regret that slut."
--------☆
Tuesday couldn't come fast enough, it had been hell these past three days. As soon as the tardis came into view, I rushed in. Everything hurt, everything was sore. I wanted to collapse and never wake up. Everyone looked at me, they all seemed to be staring. Especially the master, who stood straight upon seeing me with his brows knit tight together.
"What?" I asked confused, chest still heaving from my run.
"Your nose is bleeding." Yaz told me. Touching my nose, I found that she was right. The master stepped forward without warning and I yelped, jumping back. He froze, eyes showing clear worry. All at once, everyone moved closer. Not being able to handle all the attention, I rushed past and ran to my room on board. Going into the bathroom, I shut the door before banging my fist against it repeatedly. That man ruined everything. Why couldn't I just be happy? I turned the shower on then peeled off my clothes, it was so painful. None of the wounds were treated and they were all fresh. Stepping into the shower, I slid down the wall and sat there; letting the water run over me.
Back in the console room, everyone stood not knowing what happened. The doctor gave the master a look. He nod then turned to the humans.
"What does (y/n) do at home?" They both shrugged, not having a clue.
"She never talks about it with us. Dodges the subject mostly." Dan admitted. Sighing, the master tried to peice everything together. But, with so little evidence, it was hard. Then it hit him and god, did he hope he was wrong.
"Who does she live with?" He asked, wary of what the answer could be.
"She used to live with her boyfriend." Yaz told him, sitting on the console beside the doctor. The blonde tilted her head.
"Used to?"
"Well, she wanted to break up with him. But she still could I suppose?" Wetting his lips, the master thought over everything. It was about four months ago (for them, not him and the doctor. Time travel and all that.) that this has all started.
"When did she say she wasn't happy?"
"I dunno. Three, four months?" He looked at the doctor to see she was frowning. They were thinking the same thing.
"Go." She said and he didn't need to be told twice. The master ran down to my room, not bothering to inform the other humans. The doctor would do that for him.
Doing my best not to cry, I began to feel numb at the burn against the cuts. I'd dealt with worse. The bathroom door was suddenly thrust open, I screamed and covered myself best I could. In the entrance, the master stood there. It was too late, he'd seen it all. All the damage my body had. Shutting the door, he reached in and turned the water off; grabbing a towel in the process. He crouched in front of me, wrapping the towel around my back. His eyes scanned over every scar, cut and bruise. Without question, he pulled me into his embrace.
"What has he done to you?" Knowing that he'd figured it all out, the floodgates opened and I broke down in his arms.
"Shhh, its okay now. I've got you." Not able to respond, I just cried more. I didn't deserve his time at all, yet here he was.
"How about, we get you dry? I'll take care of your wounds. Then, I'll make sure you're nice and comfortable. Is that okay?" Nodding slowly, the master picked me up and sat me on the counter. He pulled out a clean towel, to replace the now damp one and dried me off very gently. Making sure to pat my skin with great care. After putting on some underwear, the elder disappeared for a few minutes before returning with a med kit. It was silent as he aided all the deep gashes and bruises littered on my skin. Taking my hand in his, he observed the hand shaped bruise on my wrist. It wasn't the worst injury I had, but definitely the most noticeable. I knew for a fact my back was in bad condition along with my stomach.
"He won't get away with this. I swear that. I'm going to throw him in a black hole." That comment made me giggle for the first time in ages. Smirking, the master handed me my fluffy pyjama hoodie and pair of shorts. Actually, they looked more like boxers. Either way, I wasn't complaining and put them on.
"Come on. Bed. You need rest."
"I'm fine-" a stern look cut me off. Of course, I was not fine. Instead, he carried me to my bed and sat me under the duvet.
"I'll be right back." He told me then disappeared. Resting my head back against the headboard, I took a deep breath. What was going to happen now? I was going to end up homeless. All alone. My eyes filled with tears yet again. Once everyone here found out it would be so embarrassing. They'd definitely judge, or laugh. Maybe? My head was a mess at that point.
"Hey, hey. Why are you crying sweets?" Not looking up, I heard the master speak before coming over. Something was placed on my side table, i didn't know what. His arms encased me, moving me so I was sat between his legs and leaning on his chest. I sniffled, hiding myself in his chest sheepishly.
"Talk to me (y/n). I want to help you." He tried but I just couldn't believe him. So, I shook my head at him.
"Please?" Turning myself slightly, I buried my face into his purple vest. My shoulders shook violently. Instantly, he began to rub my back soothingly.
"I hate him." I stuttered out, feeling pathetic.
"Tell me everything. I'm here for you. I'll listen." Taking a deep breath, I pressed myself against the warm male more. Though I found it hard to believe, that he'd actually be interested in listening to me, I wasn't going to pass up the chance to vent.
"It started a few months ago. He'd always been angry, he'd yell when I made mistakes or did something he didn't like. But when he started getting physical, I tried to leave. He didn't like that and he pushed me down the stairs." The masters grip on me immediately tightened after I had said that. Clearly, he was angry but I wasn't scared at all.
"After that, it didn't stop. Every time I forgot something, he'd hit me. If I spoke back, he'd hit me. If I went out alone, if I didn't clean, if I didn't cook. Especially when I spoke about you guys. Everything landed with him getting angry. And he took it out on me.  Every time." I concluded, his vest getting damp from my tears but he didn't mind. Holding my shoulders, the master pushed me back and held me at a comfortable distance.
His thumbs brushed my cheeks dry, a calming look in his eyes. Before he could say anything, I spoke out my own insecurities.
"Now I'm going to be on the streets right? I'm gonna be alone again. I don't want to be alone, please. Please don't leave me alone."
"Shh, come here." Hooking his hands under my arms, the master sat me on his lap properly; head landing in the crook of his neck. Now straddling his thighs, I was much more snug against him and able to hug him tightly. His arms were almost possessive around my waist, but i enjoyed it.
"I am never going to let you be alone. Ever. You're stuck with me. And I promise you, that he will pay." He spoke softly, kissing my cheek soon after. Turning pink, I managed to collect myself a little. My body began to go a little limp in his hold, everything seemingly catching up with me.
"Are you tired?" All I could do was nod at his words, i could tell he wanted me to sleep. But I was scared.
"Can't sleep."
"Why not love?"
"Nightmares." Understanding, the master cupped my cheeks and stared into my eyes.
"Would you like me to help with that." Nodding once again, his lips pressed against my temple and I was out for the count. Once I was asleep, the master tucked me in then stood. For a moment, he pondered what to do then began his journey back to the console room. The doctor looked at him anxiously, clearly wanting to know what happened.
"I want to kill him." He told her directly, alerting both yaz and Dan. They rushed over as he came in front of the doctor. She inhaled deeply, staring at him with intent.
"Its bad?"
"Its worse than you can imagine. Tell me no or else I'm going to kill him." Quickly, the blonde started to fly her ship. Rushing around the console, she flicked different levers and pushed the right buttons. The tardis landed with a thud.
"Where are we?" The master asked, forehead lined with frustration. All those pent up feelings weren't good for the mind.
"Outside (y/n)s House." She went over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Get him." Their eyes went wide in shock. The doctor was actually giving him permission to kill him. Not needing to be told twice, the master grabbed his jacket and rushed out.
Just waking up from a black out, the unsuspecting male stumbled into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of wine. Suddenly, the door slammed behind him, causing him to jump and drop the drink. He turned and saw the outline of another man in the shadows. Out came the master, arms folded tightly. Backing up, the human was utterly confused.
"What are you doing in my house?" He slurred, eyes going up and down repeatedly. Chuckling, he walked closer and unfolded his arms, revealing a dagger in his fist. Immediately, the man sobered up and swallowed thickly.
"What's your name?" The master asked, not sparing him a glance.
"Michael." Nodding, he took another step closer as Michael began shaking.
"Hello Michael. You're going to come with me." Of course, he complied and followed the master out and into the tardis. Once on board, he was in a state if shock. But the master payed this no mind and began to fly the tardis skillfully. Once he was happy with the place they were adrift, he stalked back over.
"Before you die- and believe me, you really are going to die- tell me. What pleasure did you get out of hurting (y/n)?" Michael's face went sour, realisation setting in. He scoffed and looked away.
"Is that what all this is about? That stupid girl. For fuck sake!" Raising his brows, the master watched in amusement, as the human had his tantrum.
"What bullshit has she been spewing now? All she does is lie! Even made up some guy with a dumb name. Just to pretend anyone would actually give a fuck about her! I never hurt her! She's just pathetic." He told him, rolling his eyes afterwards. It was silent for a second before he began again and, as you can imagine, the rage was growing tenfold inside the timelord.
"I did not hurt her! Never. God she's infuriating. Are you just going to stand there? Looking at me as if I'm stupid, it's unnerving." Michael asked, making the master shake his head with a slight pout.
"No you carry on. You're only making your death more painful." The look in his eyes was that of ice and he felt his blood go cold. It finally set in. Whoever this man was, he was being serious.
"Why do you care so much?" Ignoring the question, the master tutted quietly and lead him to the doors.
"This 'guy with a dumb name'? What did she call him?"
"Uh- The master I think. Why does that matter? Who even are you?" A smirk grew on his lips, gazing at the male with a murderous glint in his eye.
"Well, I'm not made up. That much, I'll tell you." Clicking in, Michael looked extremely confused and took a step away.
"You're the master? You're real? So she was cheating! That little bitch! When I get my hands on her I'm going t-" Instantly, the dagger was pressed to his throat, cutting him off. The master pushed him against the closed door, teeth gritted together. 
"You really are thick." He laughed out but wasn't happy even in the slightest. Michael let out a strangled breath, staring at him in fear.
"Never hurt someone I love. It won't end well for you." Gripping the back of his shirt, he opened the doors to reveal looming darkness.
"What's that?"
"That, stupid human, is a black hole." The master muttered, taking the dagger away from his neck. Without a second thought, he impaled Michael's waist. He cried out but the master didn't care. Instead, he drew him in closer and spoke into his ear.
"Enjoy your time in hell." With that final statement, he was thrown out into the void, tardis doors shutting behind him. Resting his head against the doors, he let out a breath. At least he knew this therapy was working. The master didn't get half as much joy as he used to. But he didn't regret it. Not at all. Feeling a hand land on his shoulder, he turned to see the doctor. She had a sympathetic smile.
"Go. She needs you." He smiled, nodding in recognition before heading back down to my room. Finding I was still asleep, he took off his shoes, jacket and waist coat, before slipping in on the free side. Carefully, he pulled me closer and relaxed as I subconsciously attached myself to him. Maybe even he could fall asleep like this.
Groggy, my eyes forced themselves open. Going to move, I found myself under something- or someone- weighted. Looking to my left, I found the master. He's was sleeping. That was odd, he never slept. Taking this opportunity, I sunk back down and buried my face into his chest. It was warm and safe.
My movements must have woke him as he stirred a moment later. His hands tightened on my waist and I quickly hid my face in his shirt.
"That doesn't make you invisible you know?"
Turning red, I gazed up at him.
"You were asleep."
"No I wasn't."
"Was." It went silent. Just staring at each other until he gave in. Casting his eyes to the beams on the ceiling, the master spoke.
"Maybe I was." I smiled and tried to adjust, get more comfortable.
"You never sleep." Carefully, the male pulled me further onto his chest, a hand still encasing the dip of my waist.
"No, I just can't sleep. There's a difference, love." Ignoring how my blush grew, I allowed myself to bask in his warmth. It felt nice. It fight oddly right. To be there, in his arms. A man I was once told to fear, to avoid at all cost. He now lay here holding me as if I could disappear. Mind starting to catch up, I suddenly remembered just how I got in this situation.
"What did you do? When I was asleep?" I asked, looking up at the master with wonder. He rolled his head against the pillow, eyes scanning my face. A hand traced the bruise on my cheek tentivley, a tense sigh breathing by his lips.
"Do you want the truth, right now? I don't want to upset you." Our eyes locked and I nod surely, letting him know I could handle the truth.
"I took Michael. I listened to his shitty lies. I let him talk, let him grow scared. Though, I could have done it for longer but I was too angry." He started, glaring up at nothing in particular. Sensing his growing anger, I reached forward and laced our fingers together. The master looked at our hands, the corners of his lips twitching upwards.
"I stabbed him. I threw him into a black hole. He's in a million pieces now. Floating through space. Dead." Maybe he was expecting me to recoil in fear, or give him a lecture. Instead, I sat up with a smile. I leant down and kissed his cheek, causing his eyes to widen in the process.
"Thank you. For saving me." Even if my voice was quiet, the master grinned and sat himself up as well.
"You don't have to thank me doll. I'd do it again in a heart beat." Pushing back the covers, the master got himself up.
"Wait right here." Then, he rushed out, leaving me alone. I smiled to myself, going to the bathroom. After doing what needed to be done, I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. As much as I loved my hoodie, I pulled it off and felt more comfortable. Seeing as I was wearing a sports bra, I turned and head back into my room. It wouldn't matter, I could throw a tshirt on if the master was uncomfortable. Crawling back onto my bed, I sat on my knees and grabbed my phone. Finally, I deleted Michael's number and hovered over my photo gallery. Once I have clicked on it, my heart dropped at all the cold memories stored there. They hurt to see. So caught up in my phone, I didn't hear the door open. The master looked up and froze, eyes raking over my figure. Quickly, he shook those thoughts away and came to my side, gently placing two mugs down on the bedside table.
"What are you doing?" He asked, moving so my back was flush to his chest. I showed him my phone screen, all the photos now highlighted.
"I'm deleting all of it." Nodding, the master watched as I did so and noticed how my eyes grew sad at the now black screen.
"Dont be upset, love. Its over now." Gently, he pulled me between his legs, resting back against the pillows. My body followed his, relaxing against him.
"I made you tea." Carefully, he handed me a steaming cup of tea. I took it gratefully, blowing the steam in effort to cool it. For a while, we sat there, drinking tea whilst I listened to a few of his stories. I loved hearing about his and the doctors childhood. It sounded almost magical. Whilst the master was speaking, I looked up and found myself staring at the alien. At least now I didn't have to feel guilty about my feelings. Not that I ever did, it's not like I wanted to be either Michael in the end. The cup, now empty, was taken from my grasp, knocking me out of my daydream. The master grinned down at me, brushing his fingers through my hair.
"What's with that look?"
"What look?" I asked, eyes never leaving him. Chuckling, he let out a sigh before moving his free hand down to my waist.
"I should have tortured him more. He deserved it." His fingers danced around the bruise on my stomach, light touches almost making me shiver.
"It doesn't matter now." Still, I could see it was bothering him.
"He was never a good boyfriend, even before the really bad times." The master never stopped his hand from moving, giving me full attention.
"How so?"
"He never showed me love. I could never hold his hand, or hug him. He never kissed me. I was just an accessory to him." I explained, frowning at the memory.
"Over a year of neglect. Maybe that's all I'm worth." Immediately, the master whipped his head to look me right in the eyes. It almost made me flinch.
"Absolutely not. That man was an absolute idiot. A waste of space." He seethed, inhaling sharply afterwards.
"I would never treat you like that. I would never let you go. I'd-" We both froze as he slowly realised the weight of the words he just spoke.
"I mean. Hypothetically." The master slightly stuttered. My mouth was parted, blinking in the informed.
"I would treat you better anyone. Because that's what you deserve." A smile grew on my lips, listening as the; usually calm male, fumbled with his words.
"Not that you would be interested. Now or ever. But I'm just-" Giggling, I kneeled up, gripping his collar and pressing his lips against mine. Initially surprised, the master held onto my waist and melted into the kiss soon after. Pulling back, I was taken aback when the male pulled me into his chest. My head rested against his shoulder comfortably.
"If I'd have known that the feeling was mutual, I'd have taken you away from him much sooner." The master stroked the top of my hair, pressing a kiss to my temple lovingly. Simpering, I nuzzled in closer.
"You're here now. That's all that matters." And that was the truth. From then on, everything would get better. As long as he was by my side.
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mo0l · 19 days ago
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4, 8, 10 :)
4- tell me about your most vivid memory, good or bad.
This might sound kinda cheesy or like i picked it for sentimentality or whatever but genuinely the first time i met my sis. We had gotten high and just kinda did nothing like i dont even remember specifics of what happened after we got high, i think we ate brownies and listened to animal collective? anyways eventually we went to the bed to like cuddle n stuff with our stuffies (i had come over in my pjs) and because of the weed i deadass unintentionally fell asleep within 5 minutes of cuddling at like 7 pm skdhdhdk I obviously didnt intend to fall asleep so I awoke in the most dreamlike state at 4 am. This person I had just met was sound asleep cuddling me, rain was loudly hitting the roof/sky window, I mustve just stared at the rain for like 5-10 minutes not even aware it wasnt a dream or how I got there or anything. I fell back asleep and said goodbye in the morning and left only to see her again the next day lol and now we're as inseperable as we are now. But it was truly a magical moment for me. I love how lame and domestic and comfortable and fun that first date story is and I'm crying right now writing this out.
8- what is something that gets to you that you wish wouldn't?
I'm pretty numb to getting upset admittedly but one thing that does really get to me is when I mess up a baking/cooking project in a really dumb way. Last month I simultaneously destroyed one of my pots by forgetting about a simmering marinara sauce for like 2 whole hours and then a week later accidentally turned on the wrong burner and ended up cooking the bottom of a bread dough I was about to put into the oven. Thankfully that second example I was able to save by removing the cooked parts and re-kneading and proofing the dough but suffice it to say I had a crying fit over how dumb and avoidable all those mistakes were.
10- tell me about an insecurity you overcame.
Most notably I'd probably say polyam jealousy. Its crazy how much it used to bother me and I always wanted it not to and now I genuinely do find myself unable to feel it. It felt so impossible to overcome or force myself to be okay with, but after years of trying I really do feel like I've reached a peace with it. I almost look back on like all the bad experiences I've had with polyam boundaries being broken and lack of communication and generally poor treatment of me by others fondly just because it all let me reach this place of zen. As backwards as it may sound and as inaccessible of an ideal to recommend to others as it may sound like lol I always share the sentiment that everyone should be cheated on at least once or twice, for character development.
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s0m3b0dy2u · 2 months ago
Text
this is a vent
feel free to ignore
so, a few weeks ago i told a few friends of mine that i couldn't be friends anymore for the sake of my mental health
(this is the one thats relevant rn):
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a little bit of context: this girl (we'll call her a for now) was one of my irl friends. i moved up here around 4 years ago, and she was one of my first friends. we didnt talk a lot, but we had a kind of mutual respect for each other, id like to believe. the next year or wtv though we were fighting constantly, and (slight TW)(i dont remember if she told me to kms or if she threatened to kill herself but something like that happened). after that we didnt talk for god knows how long and then we were friends again. we were decent friends until last year, when a certain other girl (lets call her a-) moved up here and instantly integrated into the friend group. the 3 of us as well as another person (j) were like best friends... except not really. i started dating a- and it all went downhill from here. around a- and j i felt totally invisible, and a was the only one that didnt make me feel like that. i voiced my concerns to a. thennnn some fucking shit happened. a- got with j and then broke up with me, i did some things that i was never and wont ever be proud of (they said i was using my mental healthy as an excuse and it was never an excuse, what i did and what i said was so shitty but yk wtv), shit talking each other back and forth etc. at the time j was dating my best friend (t) but they were together for like years i think but j was super toxic and then they broke up one day, j called t the n-word (hard r) and a- also called t a slur
slight TW:
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(we're getting off topic now)
anyway, a continued being best friends with a- and then i started feeling invisible around that whole fg
i was constantly being left out, ex:
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a and their friends went to the mall together when i not even weeks before proposed the idea, this kinda shit continued for nearly a year i think (it at least feels that long anyway)
they became close friends with a girl who used to be one of my best friends (m) and m was like "oh, we should hang out" (to me) but was always apparently too busy hanging out with a and a- or whatever
whenever a- was in the room i was literally invisible and i got sick of it
a and m only ever talked to me when it was convenient for them or it was just me and one of them in any given room
id already addressed this issue in the past and they didnt listen
this hurt me
i told them politely i couldnt be their friend rn for the sake of my mental health
i valued their friendship more than anything
but now im "playing the victim" and im toxic and im the asshole for genuinely putting myself first and trying to fucking heal
plus it was a personal boundary, i just cant be friends with anyone thats friends with a-
because when she's around it always goes back to there being drama
we were fine before she moved here
but now ive lost countless friends and my mental health is sinking farther with each day and i just wanna kms but i cant, theres so many reasons why i cant
and, were in highschool, word travels, of course it does
i heard that a brought up something
specifically:
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at least im pretty sure this is what they were referencing
(also, this, idk if this is related tho?)
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anyway
either a blew it out of proportion, or the story got blown out of proportion as it passed from ear to ear but the version i heard is not what fucking happened at all
ill be honest, the girl the person was talking about i had a crush on
i was on vc with that person when this went down
ill say, ive always been super hypersexual, i feel like thats safe to say
up until this point, my thoughts about my crush were always super respectful, to the point where i felt guilty even being in her presence like as a bystander like shes so worth the world and ill just hurt her by being around type shit
when we were having that conversation i legitimately wasnt thinking about anything, just the thought of thinking bout her that way had me red
when i tell you those were the tamest "sexual" intrusive thoughts i ever had
and i still felt so guilty
like i thought about making out with her and her kissing my neck and that was it
and i was so ashamed, im still ashamed, im not proud of myself at all i feel so small and "oh youre playing the victim again" literally gfys
theres nothing i hate more than feeling so pathetic, so why would i make myself the victim?
she (a) also said (on multiple occasions) that i didnt like several ppl in that group which is blatantly false. i never really disliked any of them (save a- and j, and now a too probably but even now saying i dislike her is too strong for what i feel)
on top of that she said im toxic which she knows is literally my biggest fear
like yeah ik im the asshole, im always in the wrong im so toxic because everyones always told me that
and to think once i felt better i was gonna try and tell her where i was coming from and why i cut her off, since i really valued her friendship
i know, though, that i dont need her around if shes gonna act like that, even if its to make herself feel better or to win the approval of others
anyway at least i got to go home early today because i had a mental breakdown about this ..・ヾ(。><)シ
whats even worse is i cant talk to any of my friends about this bcs t is dear friends with a and my other friends literally would not care
if youre reading this, i love you (/p) have a great morning, day, afternoon, evening, or night
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celestie0 · 6 months ago
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Hello ellie! 😍 im just here to drop a ‘few’ words so don’t mind me 🤪 (i fear it may have turned into a yapsesh oopsies!)
Help omg idk if this is tmi but like im on my period and I was reading chap 3 of ihm right… and how could i prevent myself from laughing at my fav goofy ahh lighthearted romcom series on tumblr? 😔 put 2 and 2 together and boom i had my ketchup bottle moment when reading the dialogue bye 💀🤚 I LITERALLY HAD TO STOP FOR A MOMENT TO PROCESS WTH JUST HAPPENED LOL
Anyway, i rlly LOVEEEE your writing style for ihm,, the goofiness n domesticity is what I need as therapy for the heart wrenching angst fics ive read 😤 the way you write y/n + gojo’s dynamic and quarrels never fail to make me crack up like an egg and i love you for that 😔 THANK YOU FOR CREATING A COMFORT FIC FOR US ALL 🥺🫶
I hope I’m not stepping out of line here but your feelings abt the smut in ihm is totally valid and i understand you. That anon probs didn’t intend on bringing any harm but like there’s bountiful of smut in the jjk fandom that I’m sure they could have read instead of commenting smth so ignorant and disrespectful 🥲 Pls every time i search ‘jjk x reader’ in the search tab, i’m always greeted by endless posts of smut one-shots 😭 but fr this fandom actually needs to stop being a buncha horny brainrots bc im actually over repetitive and predictable smut,, everything just feels so shallow :,0 (everyone is entitled to their own opinion so dont atk me pls) and them invading your personal space by demanding smut is just not it… and we all know you don’t have to cater to them bc u don’t owe them anything! no need to listen to the smut hungry anons bc they don’t even care abt the blood, sweat and tears you pour into ur fics if they’re pushing you to write smut 😡‼️ they can go fulfil their dirty desires somewhere else ;-;
Words seriously cannot express how much I love your stories and just wanna applaud you for not immediately jumping into smut and actually having relationship buildup,, it makes the stories have sustenance and ik u want ur fics to be memorable in a unique way to your lovely readers 😇 but we seriously need a smut ban n touch grass movement in the jjk fandom for a bit bc this is getting out of hand 😭
I LOVE YOU ELLIE AND PLS DONT BE DISCOURAGED BY THESE SILLY ANONS BC AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY R NOTHING + YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM (us ACTUAL readers and gojo) WILL ALWAYS HAVE UR BACK AND SHOWER U IN THE LOVE THAT U DESERVE!!! ❤️
hiii bb!! PLEASE the ketchup bottle moment sent me to the moon also so fucking relatable xD and omg i'm so glad you enjoy the lightheartedness of ihm so far!! it's been sm fun to write and it's become a comfort fic of my own as well <33
thanks so much for the support on the smut thing <3 i've been toggling back n forth between feeling awful for coming at that anon like that vs being glad i stood up for myself lol, but ultimately, i just needed to share my perspective. i don't think they were trying to be rude either, which is why i felt bad, but i spoke my truth lol
and i totally agree w you (pls no one attack me either) but i'm honestly kind of sick of just seeing straight smut on my feed. like it's fine when i'm in the mood but the tumblr algorithm for jjk feels like your partner constantly begging you for sex 24/7 lol. but yea power to whatever someone wants to read, but don't impose it on an author.
anywho i've been talking a lot ab this situation lolol i feel like there's nothing i haven't said anymore but i totally agree w everything you've said!
thanks sm for you lovely words of support bb :'') i love u tooo and i'm so blessed to have the community of support i have on here!! this situation has definitely made me realize i'm not alone. have a wonderful dayyy (also hope your period is treating you well) <3
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wh0iskyra0 · 1 year ago
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SPIT IN MY FACE
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Warnings- Toxic relationship, mentions of smut, mentions of cheating, mentions of suicide
w.c- 1.1k
A/N- This is not really that long or probably not that good but enjoy I recommend listening to the song while reading.
Chrollo pov
“This is your fault” [name] yelled in my face, I stood there and looked at them, as they walked away they flipped me off while saying “I  dont fucking need you anyway”. 
I walked over  to the couch and turned on the tv, there was no point of running after them “they’ll be back in a few  hours” I said to myself 
Me and [name] used to be happy but then it all just came crumbling down once they caught me “cheating”.
5 months ago
[name]  pov
“Oh my god, yes.” was all I heard when I began to stalk my way to me and Chrollo’s shared bedroom I put my ear to the door and heard some moaning and groaning, I walked away from the door in shook
I went back outside and sat in my car until i saw the girl he was with walk out the house, I got out the car and walked into the house “hey babe” he said coming to give me a hug, he hugged me but i didnt hug him back which i can tell confused him “no hug, what wrong baby” he said looking in to my eyes
“No im fine just a bad day at work” I said hugging him back
I let go of him and walked to the bathroom, i turned on the shower and sat on the side of the bath, I heard a knock on the door
Chrollo walked in and sat on the toilet seat “look baby i know something is wrong” he said grabbing my hand I looked at him with tears in my eyes 
I was angry and already stressed from work. “Who was she?” I said looking at him, he looked at me with a wide expression, his mouth slightly open “w-who is who?” He said with a worried tone 
“Who.is.she” I did with a more serious tone he looked at me with a look of disbelief “look, I just needed someone while you were at work and sometimes you never wanna fuck any more” he said looking at me and letting go of my hand “really.So you just cheat on me?!” I said getting up from the side of the tub.
He looked at me from where he was sitting. “Well sometimes you need to chill.Like it's not that big of a deal” he said looking. “Get out.” I said Turning to turn off the water, and he stood there “I love you.” He said walking out I didn't even respond. I just closed and locked the door and began to take off my clothes. 
Present day 
Chrollo’s pov
I looked over beside me to see it empty, I got up to look for [name] for a minute but i couldnt find them so i looked in the room that we never use anymore, I found them sitting on the floor drinking I looked up at the ceiling and saw a noose hanging, “[name].” I said walking over to them they looked at me  
“what chrollo.” 
They said, picking up the bottle to drink another sip, I took the bottle “WHAT THE HELL?!” they said, looking up at me “come back to bed.” I said picking them up “YOU ARE BEING FUCKING CRAZY, LET ME GO!” they said punching me in the back  I just continued to walk to our bedroom “I dont want to be in this bed…you fucked that whore in this bed” i hear them say quietly “I know, but she didnt mean anything to me cause you're mine.” I said placing them on the bed “I-''they said with tears in their eyes I smiled and kissed them on the forehead.
I looked over at them to see them looking at me “what is it [name]?” I said they said it was nothing and rolled over. I put my hand on their waist and went to sleep.
The next night
Chrollo’s pov
“YOU FUCKING BITCH!”[name] said while trying to hit me all I did was stand there “YOU CRUSHED MY HEAERT TO MANY FUCKING TIMES, AND ALL I SAID WAS FUCKING NOTHING. I FUCKING BLEED FOR YOU AND YOU NEVER SHADED A FUCKING TEAR FOR ME”[name] said while breaking some glass “Calm down [name]” I said
“CALM DOWN, YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN?!” They said, I could see the tears that were starting to form in their eyes. I walked over to them making sure to not step on the glass shards “back up.” they said walking backwards “no.” I said getting closer, they walked in to a wall I got closer and looked in their eyes, they spit in my face I smiled “Fuck you, chrollo” [name] said while pushing me off, i stumble a bit
[name] began to slide down the wall and cry I looked at them with pity “Look baby, im sorry” I said while grabbing their face “your mine and only mine, i'll never trade you for anything in the world” I said putting my forehead to theirs “There you go with that word ‘mine’,is that all you can say that im ‘im yours?” they said, looking at me with watery eyes. I smiled
“No, I can say more things to you, it's just in this time and moment I want you to know that you are mine and no one could ever replace you.” I said with a smile 
They looked at the floor and hugged me I smiled “[name]” I said they looked at me and nodded “Would you cut your friends off for me?” I said they looked at me then back at the floor “w-why would i do that?” They said now looking at me “cause you love me.” I said with a smirk on my face “if you love me you would cut them off right?” I said, "Look at me, I could see them trembling under my gaze. But I love them also, I've known them longer than I've known you.” They said,"I saw tears begin to form in their eyes “And? I'm your boyfriend” I said while letting go of their face they then nodded “But they are my friends, I can't just cut them off like that…''They said
“Okay” I said while getting up “if you dont cut them off im kicking you out.”  They looked at me in disbelief and then looked at the floor “wait...I’ll do it” they said getting up and walking towards me, I smiled at them and opened my arms for a hug, they hugged me and went to get their phone. 
As they began to block all of their friends I gave them a kiss on the cheek with a smile, i pulled them in for a hug 
.
.
.
We love to argue but she loves me
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celestialseawitch-ff · 10 months ago
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Big fan of your 'Forever After' story!!
Instead of the annoying 'when would you update??' question a slightly different one. When DO you update? As in, when do you think a chapter is finished and ready to be shared with someone else?
Thank you so much!! I'm very glad to hear it ❤️
😶 I- uh, may or may not have the next three chapters of "Forever After" ready to go. It's not about finishing the next chapter for me because I don't post until all or the majority of the story is written.
It's a combination of things. The biggest factor is if I want to. Posting isn't just copying and pasting. I always give it a read through/edit and sometimes that results in a lot of changes. "Rewind Time" is a good example of that, where I had pretty much everything figured out, sat down to finish up the final chapter and post, ended up changing something, and then couldn't figure out what the hell I was doing for like two years. And sometimes I'm just not in the headspace to deal with that. Which leads to another big reason I don't post.
I'm not writing 🤷🏽‍♀️ It happens. What can you do? I didn't write for all of February. It's not really by choice and it's not really a reason of being mentally blocked, I'm just enjoying doing other things more. A lot of writers will say "fanfiction isn't my job" and this is true, but I don't think everyone gets the implications of that. It's not my job, so I don't sit down a write every single day as if it were. I do my job every day, writing is for fun. I don't want to make it not fun.
Another reason is something I've talked about briefly in my chapter notes is that, sometimes there's a mental block telling me NOT to update. I listen to this voice, because usually, it means something is wrong with the story chapter. I don't know what it is, but something is off. Eventually, when I figure it out, it can result in massive edits.
Another thing ca n be the exact opposite of this. I'm writing. Oh BOY am I writing. But I'm working on something completely different. Or multiple things. How do people work on only one or two stories at a time? I have literally hundreds of stories. Hundreds. So many of them may never see the light of day. The crossovers?? I've post one. But I have SO MANY.
Currently, all of this is sort of happening with "Forever After." But I'm coming up on writing the finale chapter of this story and it's crucial that I am confident with it before I move forward.
At the end of the day, I write for myself. If I'm not happy with what I put out there, than I'm not happy. I enjoy sharing what I write with others, but I've gotten into the problem of posting too early or even writing certain things certain ways to appease the masses. Those stories inevitably disappoint me or get abandoned -- i.e. "child bride" . I'm trying to be mindful of that and not fall into that hole again. I'm still upset about Child Bride and I probably won't write much Sirmione again in the future. I've kind of lost my taste for it and that's kind of sad.
Anyway, that's my long winded way of saying I dOnT KnOw iT JuST HappEns
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HIIII I see that u hv a match up goin on and Id like to try! Would u mind doing one for me with Obey Me?
Pronouns : She/they
Sexuality: Im not sure exactly??... still discovering but I know that I like both sexes
Infp 4w5 / Cancer sun Taurus moon n Scorpio rising (I saw some doing not just the sun sign so i think it would be fun if i include all 3 lol)
Appearance: Im South East Asian. Around 5'2. I hv shoulder length black hair, black eyes and olive toned skin. My hairstyle is akin to the jellyfish hair. I rarely wear makeup and would just hv my bare face out due to its sensitivity to breakouts. And my clothing, its mostly modest/covering for academic places or just comfy and quick with any cool baggy tees i hv. Its my current closet, since i dont hv much occasions to go grand and i just wanna blend in with everyone around me lookin like an npc. But id love to wear more self expressing stuff in the future, to my desire. More accessories, colorful makeups and fashions like dark couquette/gyaru or so!
Personality: My personality, id say its two sided. I guess hv an open mind and easy going (to some degree ofc). A dream chaser and a listener. Sometimes (just sometimes), i can get my mind through a problem and stay grounded. Im also empathic? I like consoling with people and I appreciate the smallest details. I feel for people's struggle and I hold hopes in them. However, i can get moody, its so unexpected and intense that even im scared of it. I can be very quiet then, and dissociative. Id just want to be alone by that time to figure out my situation. Ive been said to appear gloomy or hard to approach too :cry: If im pissed, im venomous. And im actually an anxious person, of all sorts of things. Self deprecating too, i almost forgot abt that. But if i feel suitable, i get funky and enjoy myself hehe.
Likes/Dislikes : I like visual novels, rhythm games and those with good storytelling; a variety of music genres that focus on melody, instrument, composing; local asian food; sleeping with plushies; arts n crafts; esoteric things; philosophy study; my friends; solitude and continuation; aesthetic or hidden values and uhhh nice, mannered intriguing people.
I dont like smelly people doe. People who are narrow minded icks me oops. Pls dont tryna barge in on me when im busy unless it helps. I hate the sun... And not getting myself tented after a long day. I dislike my parents as well, yikes. Worst of all, being opressed.
Hobbies : doll, bracelet making; drawing, online shopping, rhythm game arcade, reading philosophy works, uhh getting invested in random medias...
Anyways, thats my submission! If u do reply, tysm for the matchup!!!
Hi Anon! Thank you for the request! I hope you like your matchup!
In Obey Me, I match you with...
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Asmo is the best person to hype you up about wearing more self-expressing things. He’s great at putting outfits together and will give you honest and genuine feedback.
Doesn’t mind your personality changes. He knows what mood swings are like so he’s very understanding.
Please go online shopping with him! But set a budget because you’re both liable to get caught up in the energy and spend too much. But online shopping with Asmo would be so much fun.
Not great at giving you alone time but if you say you need some space, he’ll respect your wishes. While you’re enjoying your alone time, he’ll do a spa day or hang out with some of his friends.
Asmo loves your plushies. He thinks they’re really cute and, if you’re okay with it, would love to borrow some of them to sleep with as well. He’ll take good care of them and swaps them out occasionally so you’ve got a constantly rotating roster of plushies in your room.
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this-was-a-terrible-idea · 1 year ago
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Tag game!!
Tagged by @bi-bats thank u for the tag ily 💕💕💕
name: Bean!!
pronouns: she/her (i dont mind they/them though)
where do you call home: Alaska!
favorite animal: frogs n toads 🐸💚
cereal of choice: really depends on my mood and what my available options are, tbh. recently its been cocoa puffs with chocolate milk 😂
visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner: visual and kinesthetic!! if you try and give me auditory instructions i will bluescreen
first pet: when i was a kid my parents had a german shepherd and two black cats! they all died when i was a kid though, and i havent had a pet since 😔 i want a cat so bad
favorite scent: the woods!! the forest!! trees and dirt and leaves and petrichor and loam and moss and earth. looooove that scent.
do you believe in astrology: not really. growing up i used to read my horoscope with my mom for fun but nowadays i dont put a bunch of stock into it. its fun though, even if i dont know what it all means (my sibling made me calculate my big three and its virgo pisces pisces, in that order. no idea what that means for me tbh but it cracks him up)
how many playlists on spotify/apple music: HEY. listen i already get so much shit from my sibling for this so i dont wanna hear it askjldfhhkasjhdf i dont really use apple music for playlists but spotify... i just clicked create new playlist and it auto-titled it "My Playlist #166" so. 165 of my own playlists. dont ask me how many are basically the same playlist with slight tonal shifts. i dont wanna hear it akfasdlfdfa;dl (and no i WONT go through and delete playlists. spotify is an archive to me lmao)
sharpies or highlighters: sharpies. highlighters have Specific Uses in my brain and sharpies are multi-use and fun
songs that make you cry: im not sure ive cried over a song since i was a teenager that would process my emotions via laying on the floor with my earbuds in, ipod volume set to the max, crying. one of THOSE songs is End of the Line by Henry Jackman. Some songs that make me sad nowadays though are Something in the Orange by Zach Bryan (i KNOW, its country!! how much i like this song surprised me too) and If We Were Vampires by Noah Kahan and Wesley Schultz.
songs that make you happy: not to sound like a snot but i feel sooooo many complex emotions over music and broadening them to reach an overarching 'happy' is askldfjadf im overthinking this one i believe. anyways. Northern Attitude by Noah Kahan, When the Day Met the Night by Panic! at the Disco, Cafe Carnival by Craig Chaquico
do you write/draw/create: sometimes!! id say like 90% of my writing never gets out of the discord rambling stage (sometimes i post that on ao3 if i like it and feel like its long enough) and i wouldnt classify myself as an artist, but for creating i recently got into bookbinding!! ive been typesetting things and when i get to go home this next hitch i want to actually get the woodworking bits i gotta do done so i can move onto the actual binding parts.
no pressure tagging: @skyderman, @cacopheny, @megatraven, and anyone else who might want to do this! again, no pressure :)
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god im so tired i feel like im. yea. but like genuinely FUCK trans people who try 2 be fuckin trans police likeeee FUCK U when ur tryna reinvent gender roles I DONT NEED TO BE COMPLIMENTED ON HOW WELL I PASS I PASS PERFECTLY WELL AS MYSELF BC I AM ME MOTHERFUCKER I DONT NEED TO BE A CIS PERSONS IDEA OF A MAN BC IM A TRANS PERSONS IDEA OF A MAN U FUCKINGGGG cop,. stop fucking cringing at me wearing a skirt go stick ur head in a toilet u fuckingggggg. bitchasss motherfucker. there is NO way i wanna wear fuckinn trackies n a hoodie all day bc that works just fine 4 other ppl but it gives me fuckin MORE dysphoria stop projecting ur dysphoria onto me youuuuu fuckingggggg. pussy. u can enjoy ur dysphoria hoodie without putting me into it as well its not a get along shirt u fucking idiottttt. wed get along better if u didnt shove our heads into the same hole. yeah. im justtt. pissed. attttttttttt. cops. for existing. and ppl who act like cops. kill the cop in ur head bla bla bla.
anyways
. im gonnago to sleep. tmrw is gonna b better bc god. today was a whole lotta anxiety. not the bad kind. bc i realised today. i finally have problems that dont feel like theyre making me feel so fucking empty. like im soooo anxious and worried abt these problems but these r normal people problems now likeeee. i can cope w this kinda stuff. wowies. so tired. gonnna fall asleep at my desk. this music is loud iand it feels like itss. a big ocean. ive almost drowned so many times yknow. crazy. i wanna swim in a river w my friends. only river close to me is dirty as fuck tho n will give me diseases. or probably has a body in it somewhere. wanna find a good river i wanna. yeah. ok my head feels like. a carousel or whatevr. or like. oh my god i havet listened to hsi song in so long this is so 2021 core. wow. did  i just type core with my own two hands. god. ok. gonna text my friend. and be like. i love u . and then im gonna sleep. and think abt my friends and my more than friends and my less than friends. forgot hwo good this song was. mmm yea. ok. tmrw got english period3 . reminder 2msyelf incaase i get scared i get the period wrong. lemme check acrually
yep. english period3. 11.15-12.15. right there. and also. reminder 2 myself to. get to Maples house at 3.50ish and then. we go to my place. and if it rains thats good. if it doesnt rain we cry forevers. we could maybe like. chill in the garden. or watch movies. movies r good. could even kick my sister out of the livin room so we could watch movies there. n like. give her a distraction. or like. let her watch as well but idk if wed want her. bc like. yea thatd be awkward. idk. we could just watch movies in my room. or we could watch heartstopper like we said that one time bc its feelgood and i love feelgood shows and its aalso smth ik is good and is familiar 2 me and my autistic ass is scared of watching new films. id that an autism thing. well my ass is still autistic. so fuck u. and ur allistic ass. unless its not then i apologise to ur ass. ok.nighty nighty. oscar if u see this . um. Hi . ur coolllllllll as fuck ok yeah fuck u im gonna embarrass u in a publiccc postttt by sayingh howwww cool u rrrrr okie yea byebye. and also byebye everyone whios not oscar. ur also cool but not as cool.
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starsdailyjournal · 7 months ago
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Journaling for my mental health as an epic scene girl (not clickbait) Day 1!
Today (sunday) I woke up at like 12:44 am or pm idkkkk but it was when the sun was up and like my dad had asked me to call him and since I have like ptsd I tweaked out but I brushed my teeth first because like I'm trying to get myself into the routine of doing that now. Anyway I called him and he just wanted me to like make my sister breakfast and put the food we made in the fridge but like he rlly freaked me out by just texting me "Call me when you wake up.". And he said he was getting us pizza which is now one of my least favorite things to hear from him (because of the c-a-l-o-r-i-e-s and because I'm really bad at expressing grattitude to him since we are sorta close (he is my bio dad I've known him all my life its complicated). But anyway I made my lil sister (10 yr old nerd) an awesome omelet with mozerela and sausage slices AND a cheese crust idk how to explain it basically I put cheese in a pan after I made the omelet and when it was still melty and not hard I put the omelet I already made on it and the I folded the whole thing when the cheese was cooked!! I bet it was yummy idk tho but anyway after that I scammed someone on adopt me (l-o-l) for like an fr panda, r sloth and nfr or nr hydra they got 20k rh diamonds tho soooo yk its fine!!! I was gonna scam sum more but like I got stuck trying to figure out how to use razer cortex (because royale high is so laggy on this dumb laptop) and I was stuck on that for hours legit untile dinner!! but while I was stuck on that my dad came home and gave me some chocolate which was nice but it also sucked because I CANT express grattitude its rlly hard for me bc I'm too grateful that I feel like if I tried to put into words the gratuity I feel I would spaz. BUT anyway I haven't eaten the chcolate yet (also its dark chocolate and if u dont fw dark chcolate ur ai generated) but I did eat 2 slices of this rlly oily garlic pizza for dinner just now! it was gross and I lowk cant stand that it's in my system (iykyk) but I can't do nun abt it BUT I am starting my fast rn and it should last this whole week!! So that'll make up for this but erm IDK ahhahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't like talking abt eating but this is an honest journal... Should I add TWs?? Bc I rlly dont wanna I be sleepy at night which is when I'll be typing these out. Omgeee also like I've wanted to go back to being quarantine level chronically online 4ever now bc I love doing that in the summer but my dad has parental controls on all my stuff (including this laptop) so I cant go on disboard n stuff to find online friends to give me entertainment n stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!! but I FOUND A WAY YALL!! I'm just gonna be ROBLOX chronically online tho I am a robloxian already (since 2018) I want to be one of those ppl who are always on it yk (thats why I was scamming today n trynna unlag royale high) SOOO when I'm not studying I'm gonna be scamming and trading in royale high and adopt me!!! Maybe I'll try n make sum friends but rn I'm focused on the games I'm already planning on getting my dp from starpets n I have a decent halo + ltbs on rh n all my dream stuff besides 1 set n 2 accesories!! so like I'm prettyyy good but I wanna get REALLY good like those ppl who have 5 owls and 8 parrots lolz! And I literally love roblox and everyone who plays it (besides anyone with brainrot humor ironic or unironic idc) everyone else are so cool!!! So like yea and I have 30 dollars that I'm prob gonna use on robux I might try n get headless bc my mom pays me to do computer science courses and my dad pays me half of whatever my mom pays me!! Honestly I feel like journaling is sm fun rn i love talking but nobody ever listens screaming into the cyber void is so fun!!! Also I'm gonna likeeeee eat my chocolate after I shower rn probs and then my fast starts!!! ALSO omg halloween is coming up!! I'm def gonna be a vampire! If anyone enjoyed my journal tell me what your gonna be for halloween!! Omg if my journal/blog gets big I would call the ppl who read it bats!! that would be sosososo cooool ANYWAY FOLLOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
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solardick · 10 months ago
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I doubt im getting back to normality” any time soon. Oh, Sightly loathing. You are a something to see. It’s being built up again. I suspect another crisis. Im losing count. The jupiter in aqua is an awefull piece of shit as my brother would say. On the positive side of abuse and harrasment. And placement. And despair. Hig ols steliem of demons. Is what the centaurs are. Playing this horrorscope to a T. Destruction. And glee. Glee? Yeah glee. Its the most consistent thing inknow from others. Its just there. And yet not one person. Noy one person had come forward other than yo gleem a peice of info. Like y’all fo here. Looking for something? I got plenty.
Anyway. I was thinking. a or the other way of writting it. And, o, e, c. Probably a dead end. Maybe not. Blind fool. O fool, the E fool and the high priestess. There it is again. And something new. We got two pillars. An innocemt fool amd a “guilty fool. And the Oo death card. Whichbis neat being a card that uses the letters on the card to speak it own play. Its a passage of time. And a glimpse of the future amd the fear ewith death on thr consequences if it isnt speaking something else also. The distant and the present.
The more convinced i become that this card is wuite magical indeed. And a right slection. Whoch was waiting to be plugged in. Wasn’t my choice. Just the body. The things that come to when one is in solitary.
The marseille fool. The current E-fool. Is a negative figure. I preffer the negative figure. It just nakes more sense. Symbolically. I mean you can try and bend the rules all yah want. So that it fixed as a projection. Cant use waites fool. For that. The blind fool is best. Spwaks the same message and then some. Without all the fancy excesorries. They played the marseeille fool on me. Didn’t really fit cause their wrong but. They dont listen
Know what. Im gonna talk openly about my love for jesus. To everyone around me. Would you kiss jesus with the mouth?! Jesus. Come, here. This guy wants a kiss. Yeah thats what inthought shut the fuck yp. The current list of demons” are called pests. Pestilence. Bzz bzz. Go be by myself. They make sure they fallowed me around and rub in how much they enjoy being cunts.
Well lets put the crusofix back on. Since that is my life. And watch all these cunts give me a hard time. Hey look the weather report id wrong. Its usually spot on to thr minute. But not today its raining out. Not cloudy.
Just because i believe in god doesnt mean i have to be polite about. Hlaf the world is busy sucking eachother off, createing single peramt families and being cunts anyway.
The term cocksukr is poli numerous or however its called. If its been seperated into its original
Teo words. Its literally all in the eye of the beholder. People eat cocks all the time. And to be called a sucker. Means what? Point made.
Oh shit! Its a dove. Good. Doves are good. God agrees with me. The problem
With eating a bird. Requires destruction of natural resources.
Alright. Do an std screening and if thats negative get a rectal cancer screening. If i have to wear a diaper for the rest of my life. Im backing out.
Moral of my life. Dont be an incompetant retard and have children.
n dit turns out god was right when the crows warnes mw agaisnt nate on the day he said we would be working together. He’s just another fucktard that wnjoys fucken with people. Though its weird how he mostly just specificcalt warned me about him. Pudgy batman and the neurotic troll too. To anlesser degree and the others.. not muchnof anything. Odd. Probably because the others dont try and hide it.
After this grouo of people messing with me i womder who the next group will be.
Place after place year after year. Since childhood. Born in hell.
Anyway god. Thanks for looking out for me. In this world full of narcissists. Taken joy in ruining my life. But i dont need it. You’re wasting your time. All life is is other people hurting me. Its all its ever been. Father’s a narsicist. He always showed me elation when talking about having the upoer handover someone. The smiles he used to gove me instead of giving me guidance. Like you used to say about Tony’s father. “I used to use as a punchign bag” said it multiple times when a smile on his face. All life is is this. After 30 years. Of constant upgeaval. I dont want to be alive anymore. Sont waste your time on me. Im not surviving much longer.
Inwish i was a narsicist peice of shit too. Maybe id have a life and be a degwbweate fucktard to the rest of humanity toi and have a sens eof acconomishment. Like lak these others. Ive been beaten since i was 13. Dead since i was 13. They’re never going to stop. I dint know what life is not being fucked with. Its always been this way. An dinknow that theyre never going to stop. They take oleasure in it. Over 30 years mu entire life is other people hirting me. So i doesnt matter what i do. Im stuck her essrroinded by criminal assholes. How have been taling my existance since birth. So just go away. And stop trying to help me. I need them gone. Or your efforts are useless they laugh and mock you god. Leave me be. And let me die. I dont want yiur help anymore. Im not allowed to be myself. Surrounded by all these fucken cocksukrs.
I thought about going to go see for soem help for my psychosocial issues. But then i realized that these faucktards have been engeneering me to be this way. Somits pointless cause its not really me. Its them. I wish there was a lesson for me to learn in allnof this. But theres not.after this many years. Theres notheing to learn. Thats isn’t isnt actually the real world. Its a torutee chamber i was born in. And have been a target in sinve birth. Theres nothign to take away from it.
I have a life sentence of being fucked woth foe other reason then being born. Im hoing to start leaving my door unlocked so, y’all can vome in freely and drug up my food again. And do whatever sicknand twisted y’all want to do to me. 39 and i still dont know what havign a sense of securoty feels like. Womder what it feels like being libed and having someone hows got your back. I womder what it feels like not havign an environemnt animinical to uour well being. I wimder what it feels like being a narcissi t peice of shot. Womder whatn it feels like feelig. Rightious while destroying and slowly killing soemones life. Wonder what it feels like havign responsibility for someone else life. Womder what it feels like beign there and supporting someone you know isn’t fucking with uou. Winder ehat life would be like not being raised by enemies. Wo
We what its like not being an object of ridicule. Womder what its like havign i sider i formation on my own life. The world had been plotting agaisnt me sonce i was a child. I wish there was soemthign to learn in life. But, theees not. Ive already learnt wverything 30 years ago. I have a teachers personality. And everyone treats me like im a in now at all bettwr than thou charecter. Its easier to lear. While you teach. To bad being a study means you never learn anything. Eomder what its like not being serroundd by criminals. Havign people, shoving dick and drugs in your face everyday. Been that way since choldhood. Its never going to change.
Hey its my birthday tomorow. Wonder what sick twosted bs their going to gove me. My retarded invred family will
Probably send me money. Ugh. More cash to donate to charity supposed.
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chronicbloodynoses · 10 months ago
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honestly mbikmb is actually me rn
the drum - i feel such a depressive cycle everyday and im not getting fucked up bc i cant w my situation but if i could i prob would b!
happy news 4 sadness - my ex lied 2 me constantly + my perception of love is actually so fked up after him and i constantly tried 2 change myself and use sexual stuff for him 2 love me (he treated me like shit and then convinced me i wanted too much from him)
sunburned shirts - honestly i see this as a nostalgia where it ends up not being what you remember, he used 2 look at the sun and he thought of it fondly, but it hurt more than he remembered
stoop kid - its me! im stoop kid! ive been so conditioned to my mother's baby-ing and when i try to be independent im not allowed and then i get yelled at for never helping out and im terrified to leave bc shes constantly saying that i'll fail completely on my own! also in my later "growing up" yrs i watched hey arnold LOL
something soon - i feel so strongly abt this song. trying to do things to keep from losing it + cutting off my hopes bcuz i feel incapable, i feel like the only way i'll ever b seen is to cause problems! break shit! my mother talked a whole bunch of shit about my dad so now i'll never ever see him the same despite him never actually doing anything to me! i both fear and hate him and miss him and wish i had a dad!!!!! treating what im going through as the past to keep myself from focusing on my problems so i dont kms!!!! wanting to hurt myself to have some reason to be upset!!!! wanting to express my emotions but never being able to!!!! if i cant feel better soon then im actually gonna lose my shit GENUINELY! i am completely unable to tell my mother anything bc either it has to do w her and she can do no wrong or its my fault how i feel! (fun fact- i got yelled at in eighth grade 4 listening to help let me go danny gonzalez bc of the kidnapping a girl part and my music is "too dark" LOL (she threatened to send me to a mental hospital on the same car ride to school)) this town is freezing cold!!! i need out!!!!!!! im not allowed to do laundry and my mom barely does it and acts like if i literally have no underwear then its the hardest thing in the world and i have to wait til bc shes constantly too tired (girl i just wore my last pair and im NOT wearing the ones with holes in them) wanting to be somethig more and never feeling content. ignoring my problems w content and procrastinating to complete guilt, i want to leave n sneak out (i literally could ive snuck someone in multiple times b4 LOL), if i dont romanticize what im going through i'll ACTUALLY fucking lose it (im already inching toward a breaking point xP) i hate this house!!!! ive grown up in the same butt fuck nowhere town in the same horrible traumatic house!!!!!!! i need!!!!!!!! to escape!!!!!! so bad!!!!!
guys we're halfway through the album LOL
no passion - this song is actually so depressed dancing 4 me but i honestly dont really listen 2 this one much n think abt the lyrics so no comment VERY EXTREMELY sorry for no passion fans i WILL think of u and listne 2 it more
father, flesh in rags - i love/hate this song honestly, like it kinda reminds me of my ex (scoliosis! his relationship w his dad was a big problem of our relationship!) thats all u get it kinda hurts LOL not in a way of missing him but i get really upset thinking abt all the shit i put up w and forgot abt bc of my SEVERE case of rose coloured glasses
strangers - im actually wanting to create are 4 this song LOL anyway this song is less specific 4 me (honestly i burnt out from something soon LOL) but i too am not gonna last much longer! im sofa king sick of it!!!! all of it!!!!!!
lawns - its okay will my dad left too <3
pow - fun fact my great grandpa was a prisoner of war! he was taken while he was in a plane over russia and there he learned the language in his 3 years there n idk if he escaped or was let go but hes honestly such a cool guy like! love him but he died when i was really young so i didnt get much of a relationship w him but if i was a great grandparent i'd be really happy 2 meet my great grand kid so im really happy i got to meet him
open-mouthed boy - i too call god a SHIT and then scamper off
ne way im so obsessed w car seat even if i dont have much to say and im just saying a bunch of nothing burgers i have so much appreciation for everything car seat headrest has done even w the songs i dont like (im looking at you hymn and famous) i know somewhere other people like them n are also so affected by car wseat and its just like wowzerz! love this band sofa king much! cant wait to see them live in june!!!!!
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chonnysinferno · 11 months ago
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i am So bored so i guess i will expose myself as “not a cjshipper but not NOT a cjshipper tbh” anyway i will send you more music
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuYLhuXt4HrRFeV7wSFL-1LRMtj5353pq&si=xH73KXa9wHS_C4Yu KIJETESUMIKYOKU MY BELOVED
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuYLhuXt4HrRIt7XTnyygXomDqlW3xPFK&si=GUDQMCzy0apcWb5d ryuupekosi also my beloved!!!!!!
what was i saying oh right GO LISTEN TO JAN USAWI’S MUSIC RN AND GO TO BANDCAMP AND LISTEN TO ALL OF TOKI GAMING RIGHT NOW AND ALSO 8 (LUKA TU WAN)
https://youtu.be/-ILcH66zGcY this also
i can’t think of anything else i’ve been listening to lately besides maybe jreg and that would give you another thing to put on your dni, centricide fans /this is a JOKE
random song that i usually don’t listen to things in the type of: https://youtu.be/6xr_nVyNMMY
frums is based and other such good qualities: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_mu9g_dVsgBz6d8vuWCsyPai59U8XeD8BM&si=buAGe2-pHnKEKm-E
while we r here go listen to dead but dreaming and sisyphus by vivivivivi (5 vi’s)
strobe light: https://youtu.be/7sKs7INaEoA?si=OTjLWaQx5CHtJ3Ws
finally, kulupu jan tenpo: https://youtu.be/fWHZz7ZCXqw?si=43agffZaBd0QvuSr
(i sent you the playlists to all of the songs in kijetesumikyoku n ryuupekosi but they r medleys by jan Misali so, also jan Misali’s other covers and stuff are good and i like their video essays)
(i was about to say like “i could send you ilo tenpo pi sin ala aka time machine reprise in toki pona” but i might as well just do it so: https://youtu.be/gl3W8-IwETc)
(i would send you anachronism but i have looked into myself and found the answer that that would be unnecessary self promotion so letter which has no negative or positive connotations + have a good day + i can send you a post with resources on toki pona + don’t die and other such)
on the cj shipper thing i do not really care to be honest if youre not weird about it / mention it and such its just a personal ick and i dont associate oyu with cj shipping anyways so i wouldnt have known i thought it was you as i dont rememrb anyone else who was associated with toki pona i wasnt going to reac h out to you tho becasue i dont rememebr your user + uhuhuhuuhuhuhuh yea! i cannot interact with other users without lookign like a freak i have negative feelings about you from something but i do not remember what! so i think that is probably in the past anyways onto the music tthese are not usually my genre of music but they are calming adn soothing and i like that the miku one is more up my alley because i am a vocaloid fan but on the side of faster paced music mostly because i cannot listen to slower music without getting bored the music is still good though and there is a lot of it and i will try to listen to it all in the span of a few months. or days ull never know i think this was obvious by the fact i enjoy artists like chonny jash , will wood , and other thingfs in that category (although i understand that their music has variety i enjoy songs like uhhh TME TSE THA rather than say NMTK and SaaST or. CCCC over CiD,, hm ill just link some things under the keep reading as a sample of music taste to not make this post any longer thjan it already is 😭😭😭 *) (edit : nvm theres not even a keep reading itll just be there ig) i think i have listened to vivivivivi's & lamp's music before!!!! i have enjoyed both so far but vivivivivi's more somehwat because of the pixel esque style of music (whihc might not be true for all of the songs they produxce but i am not a huge fan i am a norma;l enjoyer. somewhat) lamp i know is swomewhat in the calming / slow music section ^_^ alos not a huge fan because ive only listened to like one or two songs sooo i do not know toki pona which i think makes up a lotof this post / ask so it would bne great if oyu did send me a post about toki pona 👍 overall summary : music not my usual taste, does not mean they are bad, they are awesome anywasys, will try to listen to all of it when i can also self promotion is okay gimme em have a good day also and also do not die because that would be horrible o7 edit 2 : nvm we jammin edit 3 : you shouldve shared the vocaloid related ones with me first i wouldve been so hooked these are so good
* i do not have a playlist for these so bear withj me
youtube
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most / all of everything is a lot also SELF-iSH i prefer those over uhhh icimi (in case i make it) and TNA (the normal album) i m not sure what else to put here. throws these at you (you dont have to listen to these btw)
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