#my willpower is nothing
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me all of 2024:
me now that bounprem and kristsingto are actively working on their series:
#i RISE#gimme EVERY UPDATE#the urge to beg someone to translate the revamp novel into english#or at least give me the highlights#but also don���t tell me anything#but also like#i didn’t even hesitate before reading the leaked synopsis of ex-morning so#my willpower is nothing#and lying to myself is unhealthy#give me the revamp novel#i will eat it whole like a snake and learn thai as it digests#bounprem#kristsingto#revamp the series#the ex morning
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I'm still chasing the high of these bg3 sketches I drew like... summer/fall last year. They're pretty much the only drawings from last year I legitimately like and had fun doing.
#baldur's gate 3#bg3#gale dekarios#astarion ancunin#shadowheart#sure let's put these in the tags why not#do i even have a tag for my art? i haven't posted art in years I don't remember ajkdngf#basically everything I draw nowadays is messy low effort stuff like this. Like... I can't post that stuff lmao#but I don't have the energy/willpower to make anything polished anymore so here we are#posting these mostly for myself bc my brain keeps thinking: 'boo you didn't draw anything last year'. But that isn't true!! Look!!#like they're nothing special but at least I drew something!#anyway I'm just rambling now. art is hard etc etc don't mind me
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ive started to really despise self help posts because all they do for me is illustrate just how apparently fucked i am compared to most other people
#vent#bloody hell#like gods this shit works for you??#such bullshit#i know its not good to be mad at other people for being happier than you#but fuck dude why cant i ever get a win bigger than ''fine i guess i dont wanna kill myself''#like thats great and all but im still in the exact same hole as before!#ive never even needed self help posts in the first place- all i need is to pull myself together and fix things#... no thats a lie. i havent been able to do that in years.#call it lack of energy or motivation or willpower or whatever#nowadays even when people like my brother try to help me as much as they know how#i just cant manage to try#i tried so hard for years and where did that get me? burnout 2 electric boogaloo#i can try to light the spark like i used to as much as i want#never gonna catch if theres nothing left to burn#cant even slow down#because i know that wont fix anything#ill be just as exhausted as before because my energy levels are perpetually at 0 i guess.#''just try harder'' WHY???#WHY ARE YOU TRYING IN THE FIRST PLACE??#what is giving you the motivation to keep pushing on like that??#what could possibly be so important to you that its worth ALL OF THIS!??#i dont understand#i remember i used to push on despite everything#but there was no reason. i was fighting cause what else could i do?#but as soon as i realized that i ran out of steam. not quite the same when you realize youre ruining yourself for literally no reason#because you never considered doing anything else#what a fucking joke
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i dont ever have to argue with anyone... all i can do is explain what my side is and if i'm not heard end the conversation right there
#not even trying to argue is honestly a power move#but sometimes i lack the willpower to do that#i think in some situations i have the impulse to argue and try to prove myself right#but like#that literally brings nothing to me except unneeded stress#either someone genuinely wants to engage with what i say or they dont#if i act like a bigger person i walk away knowing only I was in control of my thoughts and actions#but if i argue i basically took the bait and wasted my nerves and anger for nothing
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THIS is the destructive power of autism
#i spent my dollars by god ill make THIS WORK#me and my dad together had to find the screwdriver and willpower to crack this thing open#because its a fucking portrait ringlight built to not TILT DOWN. WHY. BEST PORTRAIT LIGHT IS ABOVE TILTED DOWN. HUH? HUH????#anyway! i sure broke it#ended up being a ‘bastardised phillips’#and i used every ounce of stregnth in my body to take those screws out#anyway dont look into the stream equipment too much#im sure its nothing#not cooking
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guys guys guys i saved up enough to get something i've been wanting for YEARS
#it's a vr headset!!!!!!!!#one of the least expensive ones but i think itll be good enough#im fully in a fallout mood so i was updating fo76 to play and saw fallout 4 vr on sale and thought....#ive saved up a lot now (its supposed to be for my new pc but i have no willpower) so i did a little research#and impulsively bought one and fallout 4 vr#im going to be home alone for a week and im fully expecting to get so lost in it#im shaking im so excited ajkfsdlsl#and i still have quite a bit of money left over + the 625 im going to get in june can still go to my new pc!#if anyone knows any cool other vr games lemme know! i know absolutely nothing besides fallout 4
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finished the mushroom quest for Omeluum last night and I’m like “yeah Mr. Mindflayer imma totally drink this goo and induce a seizure so that you can go into my head and provoke the tadpole that wants to turn me into a mindflayer. Let’s kill the defenses preventing it from doing that so we can check it out, I see no issues”
and the whole time I’m just imagining my beloved girlfriend Lae’zel holding her bigass sword like a batter preparing for the pitch so that she can lob my head off the second the consequences of my actions come for my ass
#what is my neck but the tee for Lae’zel’s baseball#the baseball is my head#the fact that she didn’t fucking behead me the second I started seizing was remarkable willpower on her part tbh#you know I failed those saving throws#anyway don’t worry about that horrible experience I just put you through Lae’zel#I’m taking her to the crèche next so we can definitely get these tadpoles out and be cured for real#she’s been telling me it’s going to cure me this entire time and I believe her and that nothing bad will happen there#(I actually haven’t seen specifically what happens at the crèche but you know I’m expecting it to be terrible)#lae'zel#bg3#baldur's gate 3
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In commemoration of this
Let us remember what Frida can do canonically
gave her the ol' Shikamaru's Kagemane no Jutsu treatment for ninpo which is fitting really since
And what's more ninja than shadow manipulation?
Just y'know, from a 90s weeb standpoint who saw how fucking obsessed U.S media was with ninja in the 80s and 90s, the earlier TMNT could have stood to be MORE ninja. The newer iterations kinda sorta have gotten "more ninja" instead of generic milk chocolate martial arts with a shiny ninja candy coating
#Leo's portals is more like standard anime ass “Nothing personal kid” teleportation bait and switch sleight of hand#Donnie's just a purple colored Green Lantern#Yes I know there's technically “purple” Lanterns but a Star Sapphire Donnie ain't#Bro is Willpower... well they kinda all are tbh#....no NOOOO NO GO AWAY LANTERN CORP AU NOT NOW#Raph's is too with a dash of mecha pilot and that Anne Hathaway Kaiju movie-ass Colossal power#Mikey's also sorta anime but leaning more to xianxia magic chain#but fuck Frida's become so one with the shadows she IS the shadows all of them#look at her look at how many shadow hands she conjured#WHILE catching them unaware#ninja as FAWK#god please let cringe die when that comic comes out#because Leo WOULD fucking wear a hitai ate#as a sword user??? hello????#It Just Makes Sense#no idea if Jimenez was referencing Next Mutation with the forearm wraps but#y'all are WELCOME#next mutation did that shit first#AND Raph's sai staff#hoo lemme stop there#like I guess doing hand seals is too heavily associated with Naruto specifically in the US#but like that's one of THE things that differentiate doing ninja shit vs regular ole cool anime magic shit#and it's cool as fuck stop lying#granted kujikiri in real life was more akin to like concentration techniques than being able to summon a whole-ass 100 ft toad#god reminds me I need put down my iteration's ninja lore#was gonna have a whole Tengu arc#Leo was gonna further his swordsmanship skills with Sojobo#convince them to lift the nerf ban from the remaining ninja clans#(because krang and his utrom army was coming)#the nameless foot soldiers they fight through were just ornate wooden puppets
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Remembered the magical girl au… that was so funny of me. 4k+ words written and I don’t like most of it. Into the never to be finished draft hell it goes.
#I thought the scene I wrote out of order for the prequel was funny. but the first chapter moved too fast. imo.#mine#languishing with the soul eater au & the photography fic & the glasses fic & the early days nene&tsk fic & the emunene lunch fic & the alien#au and the fantasy au and the hmc au and the hurt ankle fic and the an&nene&rui fic and the asahi fic & the time loop fic & the vampire au &#as u can tell. so many ideas. so little energy and willpower and skill. such is life!#pawing through my drafts like hrmmmmmhgg what should I work on. nothing? nothing.#idk maybe I’ll pick the glasses fic up again I think if I cut out half of it the brain demons that shriek about cringe & ooc will be silent#I need to watch more recent even stories to get back into the voices. but I Don’t Want To.
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im so sick of embarrassment and anxiety being kind of in control of ?my entire life? at this point
#when someone maturely points out a behavior of mine they are politely asking me to stop doing or is even just checking to make sure im ok#i burst into tears#and no one is more bothered about that than me IM SO SICK OF CRYING OVER NOTHING#IM SO SICK OF MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL#IM SO SICK OF BEING COMPLETELY UNABLE TO REGULATE MY FEELINGS#Is it repression when i try to cheer myself up or is it wallowing in self pity when i just let myself cry#is it proof of decent willpower and self motivation skills that i can and will make myself do something i Don't Fucking Want To Do#or am i just not taking care of myself#secret: its the second thing but the REAL problem is that i need to be okay with it#it needs to not be a problem#i love doing mock trial but all the stress around it makes me want to quit but we're so close to regionals and i cant do that to the team#and i hate that i want to quit and i hate that the reason im not quitting is because im afraid of being embarrassed by doing so#and i hate myself andmy feelings and my irresponsibility and im still just half-assing my assignments#and i have a lot of casual friends but i know for a fact im not anyones best friend im not anyones favorite friend and#i want people to ask me to hang out but im worried that if i dont then it looks like im not interested but im worried that#if i do it too much i look desperate and like im imposing myself and like im . well this phrasing is painful for other reasons but#im scared of acting like im closer friends with someone than they think we are#and i dont know where the line is and i dont know what to do or what to say all i know how to do is make small talk and#exaggerate my facial expressions and tell a stupid fucking joke every 3 seconds#i like my life but im so fucking sick of the fact that *im* the one living it#i dont even want to be someone else i just want to be a version of myself thats not a fucking loser#who can actually put effort into assignments without wanting to throw my laptop out the window#who can be normal about other people#who doesn't have the dumbest fucking anxiety disorder ever#who consistently memorizes the stuff i need to know and can improvise on the fly#who's not an embarrassment to my team and also That One Guy They Keep Letting Hang Out With Us For Some Reason to my friendgroups#who can answer questions in class without looking like a suckup and also does it the right amount to make an impression but not enough to b#embarrassing#who can FUCKING talk to someone instead of making a vent post on *tumblr dot com*#for fucks sake i even wish i didnt use tumblr so much. maybe if i could get into a different social media that's normal i wouldn't be so
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I seriously can't wait for Nothing Short of Everything to be rolling in the fluff 💞
#it's taking all my willpower to not bombard everyone with the fluffy parts#finally we're getting into fluff#i swear i won't interrupt it this time#demi writes#demi rambles#my fic: nothing short of everything#dipplinshipping
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i hope you don’t mind me not participating in sunday six for so long and not updating my fic... i’m having a bit rough time handling my life irl right now
#meaning i’m having the worst start of the year ever#i’m EXHAUSTED fucking exhausted from my living situation and it doesn’t seem to get better any time soon#naturally i don’t have it in me to write because i don’t have enough time to relax. it’s been three fucking weeks.#i just don’t know even my body gives up from this stress and not like something terrible is happening#it’s extremely upsetting also considering that i love writing and it’s the only activity that makes sense to me#and always has been like that it’s in my core#and i. can’t do it. i can’t. i have no willpower or strength and it’s not writer’s block i’m just SO TIRED ALL THE TIME#therapy and years of medication mean nothing at this fucking point. props to me for not killing myself tho. well done 👍#sorry for ranting i am so frustrated that i can scream. i have actually. didn’t help.#well ahem i hope you understand 🙏 i feel bad that i’ve promised the chapter a long time ago and NOT TO BE THAT AO3 AUTHOR but#i really wanted to keep my promise. fuck me i guess#putting letters together one word at a time
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Hm... I haven't listened to the teen talk yet but I heard what Will had to say regarding the Sparrow-Normal situation and... Hm... I was apprehensive about this teen talk for exactly this reason so I suppose said apprehension was well-placed lol. I have thoughts aplenty (much of which is more on the meta end of things tbh) but frankly I haven't had the energy to write anything on the larger scale regarding the show for a while... Hm, maybe eventually. I guess this is mostly just a vent post lol.
#will I tag this no I will not#will I leave reblogs on... yes I will#Actually a million thoughts but zero willpower lol but eventually... eventually...#I just needed to vent haha#I have a lot of issues with how both Normal and Sparrow's arcs were set up and handled#Which I mean those of you who have read some of my more meta posts already know some of that#:0 I have a specific anon I still need to answer who was venting a bit about how Will treats his NPCs#And god I have so many thoughts on that#So I'll probably use that as a springboard for related affairs when I get to it lol#ANYWAYS#what a nothing post but I needed to get anything off of my chest lol
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I'm replaying horizon zero dawn and something just hits different about the game now that I have more life experience and go through life a little bit more consciously. Aloy not being born from a loving mother, causing her to be an outcast by her own tribe (the Nora) who believe in Mother Earth as their one true Mother, truly no longer can be outrun as something incredibly and profoundly painful when you, yourself, have realized you never truly were loved by a mother figure in your life.
And then the quest you get in the hunters lodge, where you meet Talanah, and Aloy bonds with her and tells her she somewhat understands being treaten like trash. The lines "Now everywhere I go I am Aloy of the Nora. It should be Aloy despite the Nora" runs deep, because not only does she acknowledge that she has lived through all the pain, but she also decides to rise above all that by traveling the world and helping others wherever she goes. Despite what the Nora have put her through, despite being shunned and never getting a helping hand herself, despite not knowing who she is... She is Aloy, at the end of every damning day. And that's all there is to it.
#the game aged poorly visually#but when it comes to the messaging i think... people really slept on hzd#especially in the current climate irt pollution and ai and whatnot. this game (like many others) warn for machines and the damage it can do#to our ecosystem#but fundamentally it is also a journey about self discovery!! we as humanity see ourselves through aloy's eyes#not just because civilization as we know it has died and she explores our ruins#but also in her curious nature. her sheer willpower to go on despite literally nothing being in her favor#and that's not even to mention this girls motherfucking mommy issues!!!!#i was obsessed in my first playthrough 7 years ago for several different reasons#but now i am looking at it with fresh baby eyes and discovering things my younger self wouldn't have even thought about#rolo posts
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depression is great you feel like you’re ruining everyone’s life by being sad
#stuff happening in my house rn has triggered a huge depressive episode and its like#im at the point where almost nothing matters#like theres some shit i’d normally beat myself up for and i dont even have the energy or willpower to do that
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