#my was sick this week and just found out their dad has covid. we’ve been hanging out and i woke up sick today + yesterday.

[leonsi]

kinda concerned i got covid lol

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X13

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Oh my gosh! Wow! There’s so much to say about this episode. I'm so glad that Meredith woke up and appears to be on the mend. As much as I loved the beach, I am ready for Meredith to rejoin society and the land of the living and get back to doing what she does best! I'm glad that Meredith got closure and that we as fans got closure too not just with Derek but with George as well. The beach wedding scene was perfect and the dialogue throughout was great.

I laughed out loud multiple times and Meredith and Derek’s scenes were both funny and bittersweet. I particularly liked Meredith and Derek's lines about how Meredith hates weddings, but Ellis hates the Post It Note story and wishes they had a big wedding. That she would give her that big wedding if she could. I felt like she was also saying she would give Derek that big wedding if she could. I also loved their conversation about Amelia. Derek told her what she needed to hear. Sometimes losing someone close to you at a young age makes you stronger and sometimes it turns you into Amelia.

Amelia has grown so much, but she spent most of her life a mentally unstable drug and alcohol addicted mess spiralling out of control in large part because she witnessed the brutal murder of her father at the age of five. And that’s not to say that Derek wasn’t just as screwed up by what happened to their Dad. He like Amelia became a neurosurgeon always chasing the high. He stayed in a loveless marriage he hated and when Addison cheated on him with Mark he moved to Seattle where he pretended to be single and pursued a relationship with Meredith.

Even after he and Meredith got together, he lied and cheated and repeated that pattern over and over again. First with Nurse Rose and then with Renee his research fellow in D.C. Derek could be selfish, cruel, hypocritical, and jealous. While Amelia’s scars and trauma were more obvious and blatant Derek was just as affected as she was it just showed up differently. Derek makes it clear he does not want that for Zola, Bailey, and Ellis and after talking to him Meredith realizes that she doesn’t either.

I loved seeing Meredith talk about how well Amelia is doing and Derek saying, “I know!” From the moment Derek on the beach I had a feeling they were going to talk about Amelia and the kids and all of that and I’m glad they did. One of my favourite moments of the episode was when Meredith told Derek that Ellis hates the Post It Note story and wishes they had a big wedding and Derek said, "She gets that from my mother!" I loved that they showed Ellis’ drawing on the fridge when Maggie is talking to Winston on the phone.

I love that Meredith and Derek got their beach wedding like Derek talked about in Season 5 when he made Meredith a bed in front of the fireplace. She went from never wanting to get married to marrying Derek on a Post It Note, getting legally married at the court house so that they could adopt Zola, and then marrying him on the beach in her COVID dream and giving Derek and Ellis the big wedding he always wanted and the one Ellis dreams of. So beautiful. I’m glad that they got closure and that Meredith decided to go back and that she knows Derek will be waiting for her when she’s ready, when it’s her time. When she’s old and senile and smelly just like they promised.

But now is not that time. She has kids to raise. Patients to treat. Sisters, friends, and family that need her. And a certain Irish doctor who would very much like to take her for a drink once she’s feeling better. I loved that Meredith realized through talking to Derek that even though her body was tired her soul was still fighting and that she needed to go back to her life. I loved her scene with Zola when she woke up and said, "We love you so much," meaning both her and Derek. That Mommy and Daddy love her so much and that’s why Meredith came back. She gave up on an afterlife with Derek to be with her children, friends, and family in the real world. That was so beautiful.

I loved Maggie's talk with Zola. I love that she took what Catherine gave her about screaming out your feelings and used it to help Zola who has been through so much express her emotions in a healthy way. I really felt Zola's heartbreak and how much she missed her Mom and Dad. I'm glad that Maggie decided to take Zola to visit Meredith. It was risky, but it paid off. The set department did a great job with Zola’s room. When she’s sitting on her bed crying you can see the photo of Meredith and Derek holding her at her first birthday party. You can also see a sock monkey that she had at the dream house.

The slop of the roof indicates that her room is in the attic. At last we saw it Lexie was living in there and Mark was visiting her while they were sneaking around, and it was an unfinished space with wood panelling. It appears that since that time as her family expanded Meredith had the attic finished and turned into a proper bedroom for Zola. We don’t know how big the attic is so it’s possible that there are more rooms up there or that there are more rooms upstairs than what we’ve seen.

I'm glad that Derek was there for Meredith in her time of need and helped her find the will to fight even though she was exhausted. I'm interested to see what's next for Meredith. If we'll see her being discharged in the coming weeks or if they will do a time jump. Will we see her at home with the kids first or back at work? Will her and Hayes finally have that drink? If so, how soon? I want to know more! I’m excited to see Maggie tell her about her engagement to Winston and see her meet Winston properly and get to know him. I’m also excited for what I’m sure will be an emotional scene when she thanks Amelia and Link for taking care of her kids while she’s been sick.

I’m also expecting some very emotional scenes with Richard and Bailey. I’m interested to see how they will address DeLuca’s death. I’d also like to see Jackson’s reaction when he returns from his most recent quest and finds out that Meredith has woken up and is doing better. I’d also like to see someone notify Cristina, Alex, Arizona, Callie, and April that Meredith is doing better. I can’t wait to see Hayes’ reaction to finding out that Meredith is on the mend! My heart!

Now let us turn our attention to the other shenanigans that were going on at Grey Sloan Memorial this week while Meredith was busying getting closure with Derek and waking up. We saw Teddy back at work trying her best to move forward. I was glad to see that she found a therapist that works for her even though it has to be virtual due to the pandemic. I'm glad that Owen was there for her. She really needs a friend right now and as Owen said previously, he's well placed to be that person. I like that he backed her up, but also pointed out that she would be destroyed if something went wrong with Meredith. That lead to her paging Winston to scrub in with her which I think was the right call.  

I think Owen did the right thing by rejecting her kiss but choosing to stay with her and let her cry and breakdown. She needs the support right now and while I’m not usually an Owen fan I think he did a good job supporting her this episode. I also really felt for him when he lost a patient he thought they were going to be able to discharge and struggled to tell the family. As he says to Teddy, they did this all the time during the way, but this is different. They are losing patients on a level that they’ve never experienced before, and they can’t even take a moment to catch their breath because they have more patients to treat and pronounce.

My heart breaks for the real life doctors and nurses who are dealing with stuff on a daily basis. It’s so hard. On a lighter note, I really loved Amelia and Link's patient storyline this week. It was funny and interesting, and it was great to see Amelia back in the OR. While it was wrong of Amelia to steal Link’s patient and I think she did overstep I understand why she was so eager to get back into the OR and she was right about what was wrong with the guy.

I understood Link’s anger and frustration, but I also appreciated that he understood Amelia and was there to support her and build her up. I like that he brought in Tom and had him on standby, but also showed complete confidence in Amelia. His line about how Amelia always likes to raise the stakes was hilarious and accurate. Another scene I loved was when Amelia and Link were leaving the hospital and Link thought she was using sexual innuendo and then she clarified that she needed to get home because her boobs felt like they were going to burst, and she needed to either pump or breastfeed. That one cracked me up!

We also saw some amazing acting by Caterina Scorsone when upon arriving home and finding Link’s parents looking after Bailey and Ellis, they rushed to the hospital thinking something was wrong with Meredith. Amelia was riding high from the surgery that day and when she thought Meredith had gotten worse, she panicked only to realize that Meredith’s condition hadn’t changed. Her sobbing and desperation as she said over and over again that she really needed Meredith to live were gut wrenching. Caterina did an amazing job.

I also really liked Bailey and Levi’s patient storyline. The peanut butter brittle woman who took up roller skating was the best! She was funny and helped Bailey see that you need to rest and also follow your joy. The scenes where the woman gave Levi the brittle and then he was smelling it made me laugh! As a result of treating that patient Bailey decided to reverse her earlier decision and let Jo switch specialities. While I’m not on board with that storyline I'm glad that Bailey decided to support Jo in following her joy. Making someone stay in a role they don't like will only make them resent you and make everyone involved unhappy.

That being said, I hate this career switching storyline. It’s so dumb. I've realized with this episode that my opinion on this storyline isn't ever going to change. If they use it as a segue for Jo adopting Luna that could be interesting, but watching Jo leave general surgery behind and re-specialize in OBGYN so she can stand on the sidelines while all the other characters do ground breaking work and cool procedures just seems dumb to me. I am not invested in this storyline at all.

Levi and Jo have great comedic timing which was on full display in this episode. Jackson was MIA this episode because he went roaring off on another one of his quests leaving the person he’s dating in the lurch and telling them about it after the fact. He took a leave of absence from work and then left Maggie a voicemail back in Season 15 telling her he needed some time to think and then went camping in the woods to look at trees which lead to him talking to April and texting a woman he met on this trip behind Maggie’s back. He then left her in the fog on a dark road in an area with bears at the end of Season 15.

Now he’s left Jo to go on an unknown quest that’s 11 hours away. When did Jackson become the guy that just vanishes at random to go do whatever the heck he wants? I was surprised that Nico asked Levi to move in with him at the end of the episode. That was not at all the answer that Levi was expecting so I understand why he ran off and said he promised Jo he'd do a movie night with her. Levi wanted to move in with Nico last season and Nico didn't want that, but instead of just saying that outright he dodged the topic and was a real jerk about it. That resulted in them breaking up and Levi moving in with Jo.

They only got back together because of the pandemic and in the intervening time Levi has grown as a person and no longer wants that kind of a relationship with Nico. When he told him that him leaving his bathroom bag at his place didn't mean he was going to move in with him he was being sincere. He just didn't want to have to keep carting his toothbrush back and forth all the time. In response Nico realized he's always running away from what scares him and pushing people away when they get too close and he wants to fix that, so he asked Levi to move in with him.

Therein lies their problem. They're never on the same page. When Levi wanted to move forward and take that next step Nico didn't want to. Now that Nico wants to move forward and take the next step Levi is no longer interested. What a dilemma. I also noticed that Jo and Levi had very similar outfits at the beginning of this episode. You know you’re becoming good friends with someone when you start unconsciously matching outfits.

Onto the next episode’s promo! We see Jackson driving in the rain, showing up on someone’s doorstep talking to himself about how his appearance might seem impulsive, but he has thought it through. The door opens to reveal April who is holding Harriet in between clips of his and April’s relationship. I have a few theories about this. First off, I think they are faking us out. If there was trouble in paradise and things weren’t going well with April and Matthew, they wouldn’t have had Jackson make a comment in the first half of the season about how Matthew is spending more time with Harriet then he and April are because they are taking more COVID shifts.

April is a deeply religious Christian woman whose faith is really important to her. She was vehemently opposed to getting a divorce even though her relationship with Jackson was clearly over because of her faith. Marriage is not something she takes lightly so I have a hard time seeing her divorce Matthew out of the blue because Jackson shows back up and is in crisis when her and Matthew have been together for the past three seasons and have been married for two.

Also, they are raising two children together and co-parenting one of those kids with Jackson. A lot of court services were shut down in the first few months of the pandemic for safety reasons which made it difficult to get a divorce and this episode takes place in June of 2020. So even if April and Matthew split up they couldn’t legally get a divorce very easily at this time and if April and Jackson got back together they would still have to interact with Matthew on a regular basis because they are co-parenting kids together and there’s no way that April would walk away from Ruby.

The only way I could see April and Jackson getting back together is if Matthew has died or fallen ill somehow. Otherwise I just don’t see it. I think they’re faking us out. I think the clips in the promo are there to entice japril fans and play into that because logistically I don’t see how a storyline in which April and Matthew suddenly divorce and April and Jackson get back together in one episode is possible.

Until next time!

[theblogtini]

You know what annoys me the MOST about The Sussexes? The tonedeafness of it all. That was the very first thing that started turning my opinion of them - the October 2019 pity party interview.

Here’s how the last year+ of my life has gone:

September 2019 - found out I was pregnant w/ my 2nd child

October 2019 - my grandfather died

December - had COVID before it was even a known thing & have never been sicker in my life (my doctors strongly suspect it was COVID, but we can’t be 100% positive but when we had to take my 2 year old to the ER bc he was so sick they said it was “a weird new virus we’ve never seen before”)

January 2020 - it was determined I would need to have semi-emergency surgery on my abdomen at 23 weeks pregnant bc was ill — 23 weeks is before “viability” so my baby wouldn’t be monitored during the surgery & they would not intervene to help him if needed — they would not let me push the surgery out 3 days bc I was too ill

February 2020 - surgery takes place. BABY WAS FINE thank god. Couldn’t be left alone with my 2 year old or drive anywhere for 4 weeks - considered severely immune compromised due to pregnancy + surgery

March - lockdown happens. My son cuts his eyelid open and has to go get stitches and since we were on lockdown and I was pregnant the hospital wouldn’t let me be there with him (a mother’s nightmare)

April - admitted to the hospital at 35 weeks pregnant. Baby and I are both ill. Baby diagnosed with IUGR - he had stopped growing inside me 4 weeks earlier

May 6, 2020 - baby born preterm via emergency csection at 2:30am bc I started going downhill. I was unable to hold him for 10 hours as I was too ill and they were afraid I would crash and drop him. I was hooked to an IV for 2 days & basically sedated. My baby was being monitored by the NICU team (in my room bc of the pandemic) due to breathing, blood sugar, liver, and body temp issues. He was well enough to be discharged 3 days after birth but I was not. Mind you still a pandemic and now I’ve had two surgeries in 4 months so I’m still considered severely immunocompromised. And my baby weighs 4lbs and has zero immune system and breathing problems - during a pandemic that attacks the respiratory system.

May 10 - discharged home with my baby during a pandemic. No one in my family met him for weeks and weeks. My sister and dad just held him for the first time last week (10 months!!) due to his health issues and the pandemic.

Summer - trapped in house w/ 2 kids & husband. It’s a pandemic so there’s no where to go and no one can come to us. I can’t drive anyway (due to csection)

My maternity leave ended in early summer - husband & I have been WFH with 2 kids (a toddler & newborn) and zero help bc again - pandemic.

Fall/Winter 2020 - still WFH with no help. Still trapped inside w/ 2 kids & husband. I can drive now but there’s no where to go & nothing to look forward to. Pandemic related job woes start kicking in for us, which isn’t good bc we have 2 kids & 1 is medical compromised AND ITS A PANDEMIC.

Holidays 2020 (Thanksgiving & Christmas) - no family to celebrate with. Still trapped in house.

January 2021 - older sons 3 birthday, no party bc pandemic

February 2021 - still a pandemic. Job woes getting more serious. Find out that baby is only in 16% for height - not growing on the “outside” as he should due to my illness when he was on the inside. I managed to get vaccinated bc of health issues - can finally leave the house except... no where to go.

March 2021 - still in the house. Still a pandemic. Still WFH with 2 crazy kids & no outside help. Job woes really getting serious - money becoming tight. Health insurance ends this month - in a pandemic. No alone time with husband or heck even for myself really.

But go ahead Meghan... bitch on national TV about how your son isn’t A LITERAL PRINCE ... yet. Because he WILL be just not today. At least he’s healthy. At least you are not actually trapped in your home. At least you have help while you and your very wealthy husband pretend to work while the rest of us struggle.

Am I having a pity party? You betcha! 99% of my posts lately have been with a kid on my lap or holding a baby late at night because we don’t have nannies and night nurses like some royals. I’m mom-ing, working, cleaning, cooking, and STRUGGLING while Meghan is whining.

And I STILL KNOW IM LUCKY! So why doesn’t she?

[danideservedbetter]

Day 7, 8, 9, and 10 / Elaboration

Hey y’all! I said yesterday I would elaborate a little more on what my doctor’s visit yesterday told me, and here I am to do just that! I meant to yesterday, honestly, but by the time I got home my medicine had worn off and that wasn’t looking very likely 😅😅 But regardless!!! Here is what my results look like and honestly? These things probably have been affecting my sleeping disorder to a degree I’d previously disregarded without detailed info I’ve gotten from these tests.

Full write up under the cut!

—I got two major tests done, blood work and a genetics test. Back in my hometown the nurses couldn’t even figure out how to open the damn swab, but technology here managed to map out my entire DNA sequence which is utterly NUTS to me.

—My body is deficient in almost every important vitamin known to mankind, which makes sense because my diet is not… the best 😅 So, I started on several (SEVERAL) supplements to start out.

—I say start out because it’s very likely that I’ll be taking vitamin C and some liver enzyme through an IV once a month. A younger me might’ve thought something like this was scary, but at this point I’m so desperate to be healthy that getting nutrients drip fed into my system for them to work quicker sounds just fine to me.

—Other than that it’s normal lifestyle stuff. Eat more fruits and vegetables (I’ve been eating olives by the can for like days and I intend to buy fresh fruit packets for breakfast whenever I can afford them) as well as staying more active— which I DEFINITELY have been since I moved closer to New Orleans, in Louisiana proper where my dad lives.

But enough of the boring medicinal stuff. I’m sure you guys are much more interested in the whys— is there a reason my hypersomnia is so bad? Is there a deeper explanation than “lack of vitamins bad and you should feel bad”?

Well, yeah. YES. The genetics test revealed a metric fuckton to say the least 😂😂😂 but the most important was what kinds of diseases I’m predisposed to or how my body can process certain types of hormones/enzymes/proteins. Things like why caffeine won’t work for me (my body processes it very fast but not very thoroughly) or my metabolism being the strongest recorded genotype (which is why it’s been so hard to gain weight). Below, I’ll go into detail about stuff my new general doctor’s in-office geneticist (I still can’t believe that’s a thing I’m typing) has revealed about my disorder.

Naturally, this is specific to me because of my parents and our family lines. Maybe if you see info pertinent to yourself, looking into genetic mapping may be a good idea for you?

We are pretty confident that I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia. The reason for this is that a tiny link has been found between individuals who contracted mononucleosis in their childhood and adolescence and individuals who fell within the sleep cycles indicating IH. Now, IH will be genetic sometimes, but considering I’ve tracked my disorder to starting around 14, the same year I contracted Mono, the coincidence definitely doesn’t seem like… well, a coincidence. My blood test shows that I do in fact have the antibodies in my system, and they’re doing something… odd.

The geneticist found some “active” antibodies. Well, not some, really 😅 Basically, she’s surmised that these antibodies have a hair-trigger response and can react to any given environmental factor (stress, hunger, etc.) to the point where they activate as if they think they’re **fighting off a virus that’s been out of my system for ten years.** Of course this takes up an inordinate amount of energy, which is her hypothesis as to why my hypersomnia is so random and varies in intensity. The goal for this summer is flushing these antibodies out of my system.

My previous neurologist tried out a couple stimulants and then shit insurance prevented me from trying any others. So I’m stuck on something traditionally prescribed for adhd. A narcotic. *However* since my body is severely dysfunctional in general, the way I describe it is I basically have to induce a high to stay awake and function normally. We want to eventually get me off of these kinds of drugs, of course, since prolonged exposure weakens their effects and they’re highly addictive.

Another in credibly interesting thing we found is that I'm lacking in three major hormones. However, it's not because I don't produce them. I've never identified with symptoms of depression (anxiety, certainly, but not depression) yet for most of my life my childhood general practitioner insisted I had it. Well, the geneticist found that while I'm lacking in serotonin, dopamine, and melatonin, which yes are the two major mood enhancers and then the hormone that induces sleep, it's not because I can't produce them. It's because my neural transmitters are so damaged from a less-than-good diet and years of exhaustion that they simply can't process them. Just as the antibodies can have a hair-trigger response to environmental factors, so too can these processors. Simple things like a good meal, my high from my stimulants, or even micro dopamine shots from getting things done can activate the transmitters. Another thing on the docket for the summer is fixing these permanently with treatments of vitamins and supplements.

My stimulants have caused appetite issues, unfortunately, and that plus Covid at the beginning of this year caused me to get down to my lowest recorded weight ever, 94 pounds, which I haven't weighed since before I hit my final growth spurt way back in middle school. My dad does physical labor (he's a contractor who frames houses in the humid heat of the Deep South lol) so he's used to feeling tired. When he caught Covid, he said that he'd never felt as tired, drained, or out of it in his entire life. He never gets sick and hardly goes to the doctor and NEVER takes off work because of health, but in his last few weeks before full recovery he had to take off early multiple times. He was floored when he described the brain fog and exhaustion and I told him that I had no idea I even had Covid, because I just thought it was my disorder acting up. It was only when my grandmother started feeling tired that we got tested and we tested positive.

All that said, we think that there's hope for a future for me. She said that while there's no cure for IH, the cause that I have may can be mitigated by changes in exercise, diet, routine, and medication,to the point where I may mitigate symptoms of my disorder entirely. I'm still setting up appointments with a new neurologist here in the city, though, because technology is of course more advanced here.

And again, taking all of this into consideration, while it was looking likelier by the day, we've both agreed that I'll be here in the city 'til New Years. Which means no school this semester, but if I can go back in spring at more than 20% functionality and maybe succeed, I'm perfectly fine having to remain on break.

However, another good update: I weigh 103 pounds! I'm steadily gaining weight-- which means the other medication, the one for my appetite, is working as it should and as long as I stay on-track I should reach my goal of 120 by the end of the year as well.

So, yeah! That's what it's looking like. I have another appointment to go more in depth with the results tomorrow, but for now I'm planning out my week since I decided to let myself rest all last week. I'd love to finish helping out for our current podfic, ACTUALLY start the damn 100 Theme Challenge (LOL), finish betaing something that's been on hold for months, properly reconnect with our discord, catch up on all the media I fell behind on, clean my damn room, and establish a budget for this week on what I can buy. A more specific plan for today will follow, but til then, I hope this gives everyone some insight on what I'm looking at and how I'm gonna try to fix it.

Xoxo

Dani

[mieran-sanctuary]

Update

Hey guys. It’s been a long time since last I posted actively here, and with my return, I figured I could update Tumblr a little bit of the most noteworthy stuff that’s been happening since I poofed in 2019.

For anyone interested, you can read a life update from my side under the cut below.

I honestly have no idea how to get everything that’s happened down in words. To explain it all in a simplified way. It’s been one hell of a ride, but I’ll try to summarize it quick and easy.

It all technically started in the summer of 2019. My girlfriend and I lived in our own apartment when we learned that her already sick mother, had been diagnosed with a very rare type of cancer. Over time we’d also learn that they would never be able to find the source of it, leaving out surgeries as an option. We simply did not know what to remove to help fix it. It was pretty harsh news, on top of my girlfriend’s dad also having a serious heart attack the year prior to this.

Ever since then, our lives have been more unpredictable than ever. We’ve never really been able to fully relax or settle down since then. All we’ve ever been able to do these past two years is taking it day by day, or hour by hour.

But our lives kept going as usual, but with the outbreak of COVID-19 in the beginning of 2020, it was decided that we would go back home to our families. So I was picked up by my family, while my girlfriend returned to hers.

Some of you may already know that I’ve struggled with mental illness and physical weakness half my life, preventing me from functioning normally and has been a big stopper in my art life in general. Well, after I came back home, I started to suffer a lot from gods know what. I started to get so physically ill and scared, that I went to the emergency room seeking help. I was hospitalized shortly after to make sure I had people around me 24/7 and get me back up on my feet. I was signed out after a couple of weeks, feeling much better, but that was when the anxiety kicked in, more harsh than I’ve ever experienced it. I’ve never felt so horrible in my entire life before. It didn’t take long until I was back in the emergency room and hospitalized for another three weeks. (Making it five weeks spent there in total during two months)

I managed to get through it with lots of help. Breaking through barriers I’ve been stuck with all my life since I’ve never had people around to support me like that before. It gave me the safety I needed to grow more stronger mentally.

After that, 2020 went on, but the situation with my girlfriend’s mother was all over the place, leaving us on edge most of the time. All I could really do was trying to be there for them and give support in any way I could. It was also during that summer my grandfather suffered from a heart attack after being ill for a while. This turned out to become another wild roller coaster of ups and downs. We thought he would be much better after a surgery, to then suddenly get way worse.

My girlfriend and I returned to our apartment in September 2020, as she needed to continue her education. We tried to keep it somewhat normal, but we were still kept away from our internet activity. My grandfather would get worse and hospitalized the next months, now lying on his deathbed at this point.

And then, on December 3rd, my girlfriend got a phone call from home that evening, saying that her mom had gotten worse to the point they had to perform an emergency surgery within the next 1-2 hours. There was a slim chance she would survive, and even if she did, they were unsure she’d last many days after.

We took a plane back to her family early the next morning. She survived the operation and got “better”, but we were told she didn’t have much time left. But against all odds, we would eventually get her out of the hospital and back home to celebrate Christmas, New Year’s eve, and my girlfriend’s birthday. All from a hospital bed we had set up in one of their living rooms.

My grandfather passed away on December 7th, and I took a plane back home to attend his funeral on the 18th, saying my final goodbyes, before returning to my girlfriend and her family to celebrate Christmas and stay with them.

And after so much pain and fighting, being told she’d only survive for a few weeks, so many hardships and obstacles, 20+ different chemotherapies in only a year... my girlfriend’s mother passed away in January 2021 after holding on for a year and a half.

She was one of the strongest people I’ve ever known, and after a lifetime of fighting illness, she has finally found peace.

I... honestly don’t know how to put things into words. My grandfather, my girlfriend’s mother... Hopefully the way I’ve summarized it doesn’t sound too cold. There is simply too much to be told about both of them, but I try to keep it very short and simple.

We’re still recovering from our losses, the war against cancer and illness, fighting some pretty bad financial issues that follows, and we’re not sure when our lives will return to something close to normal.

But we will try. And I really want to try and return to art. Including some activity on Tumblr where I focus on DA:I related stuff, as I never really got to express myself fully of that world and my OCs there.

I’ll just decide to end my writings here, and hopefully it’ll shed some light on where I’ve been, what’s been going on and why it might take some time to return.

But I hope I can get back to it soon. Thank you so much for reading this long wall of text and for your time. I sincerely hope you’re all hanging in there in these absurd and insane times. Please take care and look after yourselves, and may 2021 be more gentle towards us.

[purplesurveys]

1252

A - Appearance.

What are you wearing? I have a gray turtleneck and brown shorts at the moment.

What are on your feet right now? I never wear anything for my feet when I’m at home.

What color are your fingernails? I say this a lot on surveys but mine are never painted. Nothing against them, I’ve just never felt the need to spend on something like my nails.

What does your hair look like right now? I have apple hair at the moment to temporarily get rid of my bangs, which I am more than sick of at this point.

B - Best Friend

Who is your best friend? Angela and Andi.

What was the last thing you two did together? The last time I saw Angela we went to the BTS pop-up store. I haven’t seen Andi since January, but when we hung out that evening we just had Korean barbecue and we also parked somewhere in UP to just talk about life in my car. My breakup had been fresh at the time and back then I just needed someone to whom I could vent.

What is (s)he doing right now? I’m sure Andi’s doing something with Leigh, maybe having a video call or something since I think they tend to have one every evening. I’m not sure what Angela’s up to but considering her replies have been a bit slow tonight, I guess she’s somewhat busy at home.

Are you talking to her/him online right now? Angela just replied to something I sent her around 15 minutes ago but the exchange wasn’t meant to be a full-blown conversation, if that’s what you mean.

C - Crush.

Who is (s)he? Eh, I don’t have a crush these days; too obsessed with work to figure out what I find attractive lmaooooo. I do have a main celebrity crush and I might just cite them instead so that I can at least fill this section out. 

What does (s)he look like? Curly hair; mismatched eyes; moles underneath his right eye, on his nose, and on his lower lip, and the widest smile I’ve seen on any person.

What was the last thing you two talked about? He’s a celebrity crush...

Does (s)he make you smile? Yes.

D - Dad

What’s your dad’s name? Edgardo.

What does he do for a living? He’s an executive chef for a luxury liner company. He hasn’t worked in a year and a half due to the pandemic and has stayed in the country this whole time, but we’ve *very* recently been informed that he can go back abroad in around two weeks! Of course it will suck letting go of him again after having him back for such a long time, but I’m just glad the family can finally be on track again, financially speaking. It had been something I’ve been worrying silently about.

What was the last thing you two did together? Had dinner last night, but we did that with the whole family too. We don’t really do things that’s just the two of us.

Do you get along better with him than your mother? Yes.

E - Ebay.

Have you ever bought anything from ebay? No. I’m not sure we have eBay here anyway.

Do you just shop around when you’re online? I don’t really shop ‘around.’ I usually have an idea of what I want to get myself, and it’s just a matter of finding the right shop from which to buy.

Do you know anybody who is addicted to it? I know a couple of co-workers who love shopping, like Gabi.

Have you ever sold anything on it? I’ve never tried selling, but I’m actually in the middle of doing something for the very first time – I’ve decided to get into trading! I got my BTS Butter album yesterday but didn’t get to pull the photocard I was vying for – the pull I got, though, was of the most popular member, which means it would be a very easy trade. I put the trade offer up the other day and I finally got a match yesterday.

F - Facebook.

When was the last time you logged on? Like five minutes ago. I constantly check it.

How many friends do you have? Just checked and it says I have 686. I wanna get rid like half of them though.

Do you hate when your facebook chat messes up? Hmm, that doesn’t really happen.

Who was the last person to leave you a wall post? Angela.

G - Google.

Do you Google everything? Yeah, I think I look up a random item or phrase at least once a day. Doesn’t hurt to learn a new thing each day. :)

What was the last thing you Googled? The K-Pop group g.o.d., since my teacher mentioned them in our Korean lessons earlier.

Would you ever trade Google in for Bing? No, I haven’t used Bing in like 12 years.

What do you Google the most? Synonyms, I think, since I’m constantly writing for work.

H - Hair.

Do you like your hair? It’s a love-hate relationship most days because I hate how thick and frizzy it can be...but I recently had mine trimmed all the way up to my neck and for some reason it’s taken on a wavy form, which I didn’t expect to come out at all. And I’ve found that it actually suits me quite a bit, so I’m enjoying my hair for now.

What color is your hair? Black.

What does it look like right now? Slightly damp since I took a shower not too long ago.

What kind of shampoo for you use? Just a normal Dove one.

I - Ibuprofen 

When was the last time you took ibuprofen? I don’t think I’ve ever taken it? I usually take paracetamol...idrk the difference either. Do you rely on it for everything (cramps, headache)? I only ever take medicine for headaches/migraines.

Are you so thankful people made it? I mean sure, I’m glad there are those who have been able to create products that can instantly relieve pain or discomfort, but I’m not obsessively grateful.

Do you have any right now? I don’t think we have any.

J - Jobs.

Do you need a job? Nah, I already have one.

Where do you work? Media/PR industry.

Where would you work? I wouldn’t change jobs/industries. This is where I wanted to end up in, and I’m really really glad and fortunate to have landed here on my first shot, right out of college, and during a pendemic.

How much money would you like to get paid? An additional P5k (~$100) would probably be more satisfying, but considering my parents aren’t the traditional Filipino parents who suck 100% of my earnings right out of me the second payday comes, I’m able to enjoy a substantial chunk of money to myself, give them a portion of my earnings, and still be able to save.

K - Kissing.

Who was the last person you kissed? That would be my ex.

Will you next kiss be a mistake? I have no idea when that would be and with whom it will be shared, so I won’t be able to give you a definite answer.

Do you kiss someone everyday? Other than my dogs, nah.

Who was your first kiss? The aforementioned ex.

L - Love.

Who do you love the most in your life? My best friends. I’m also doing a whole lot better in the self-love department these days, so that too :)

Have you ever been in love before? Yeah.

Does it make you so happy when you feel the feeling of love? Sure. It feels light and comfortable, especially when it’s shared.

Why is this word so hard to describe? Because everyone feels love differently. < There we go.

M - Mom.

What is your mom’s name? Abigail.

What is she doing right now? She was watching The Good Doctor the last time I checked on her like five minutes ago. It’s her latest obsession.

Where does she work? She works in the food and beverage department of a 5-star hotel in the city.

Do you two shop together a lot? I rarely do my shopping with either of my parents.

N - Netflix.

Do you have Netflix? Technically, I guess. My dad pays for it and we have a family account.

If not, what movies would you order? I don’t think I’ve ever ordered a movie before. Before streaming on Netflix, I just used to get illegal torrents lol.

Do you rent a lot of movies? I’ve never rented a movie. Was too young for it, I think.

Do you have the tool where it just downloads to your tv? No.

O - Ohio.

Is this the state in which you live in? I don’t even live in the US. Never been there either. < Same.

Is Ohio State your favorite football team? I don’t like football.

Did you know Ohio Is For Lovers? I’m not familiar.

Have you ever been to Ohio? See first answer in this section.

Q - Quitting.

What was the last thing you quit doing? Practicing on Duolingo. I had an extremely short period of using the app again a couple of months ago, but I lasted all of two days hahaha I had been trying to get back on learning Korean, but I enrolled in official lessons not long after that anyway so it didn’t make sense to continue the stages in the app.

Do you need to quit talking to someone right now? Nope. The people I’m talking to right now in between this survey are all welcome conversations.

Would you ever quit school? That wasn’t an option for me and I never would’ve done it anyway. 

Don’t you think quitting is stupid? No. Sometimes it can be the strongest thing you can do for yourself.

R - Reading.

What was the last book you read? Does my Korean lesson textbook count hahaha...if not, I haven’t really read anything in years.

Do you own a lot of books? I do, but they are all books from my childhood and teenage years. It’s been a while since I last updated my bookshelf.

Do you have a library card? No, haven’t had one since Grade 1.

Have you ever read a book that changed your life? Without Seeing the Dawn was pretty influential to me, but I dunno about ‘life-changing.’ I need to read more to find the book that would have that effect on me.

S - Safety.

Do you always wear your seat belt? I do these days. I didn’t really practice it when I used to drive to school, whoops. Always forgot to do it.

When riding a four-wheeler do you wear a helmet? I rarely get to do that.

Did you ever wear knee pads and a helmet when riding your bike? Nah. I can’t ride a bike either. Do you always think safety first? In COVID terms, yeah. I have a face mask and shield on as soon as I find myself outdoors.

T - Talk

Who was the last person you talked to? Reena. Who are you talking to right now? Nobody. It’s just me, this survey, and some music in the background.

Who did you last talk to before you went to bed last night? Angela and Reena, if I’m not mistaken.

Do you need to talk to anybody right now? No, I’m good.

U - US ARMY

Do you support it? I don’t know enough about it to have a bold opinion, considering I’m not even from the US and it’s been a while since their army has had any strong contact with my country.

Do you know anybody who is in the army right now? I think one of Angela’s uncles has a high position in our national army.

Don’t you ever wonder why their camo doesn’t match anything? Not really.

Would you ever go to the army? No.

V - Virgin.

Are you a virgin? Nope.

When did you lose your virginity? I was 18.

Do you wish you would’ve waited? Nah, it felt right when I did it the first time; and I maintain that stance now even though I’m no longer with that person.

Do you think you could have stayed a virgin until marriage? I could. Sex isn’t a big deal to me.

W - What.

What are you doing right now besides this survey? I’m also listening to mono. and taking bites from my doughnut every now and then.

What are you craving? Spicy tuna salad, but it can wait. Andi got me my favorite truffle baked macaroni because it’s CM Punk day today :D :D and that’s able to satisfy my savory cravings for now.

What do you need to buy? Shelves.

Why are you taking my survey? I’ve mentioned this before but I like categorized/themed surveys, so alphabetical ones are always fun for me.

X -Xanax 

Do you know anybody who is addicted to Xanax? I don’t think so.

Have you ever taken it before? No.

Do you even know what it is? No, actually.

Have you ever suffered from anxiety or depression? I’m sure I have.

Y - Yourself.

Name. Robyn.

Age. 23.

Do you smile a lot? Sure, I’d say that’s common these days.

Z - Zebra.

Are you addicted to zebra striped? Not really.

Do you own anything zebra striped? Nah. I have some stuff that come in black and white stripes, but not zebra print. Is anything on any of your websites zebra striped? No.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #475

(from two days ago, oops)

What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) I really like a steady rain tapping on the windows. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? No, because I'm ugly. It's annoying because I've been wanting to take pics with Girt considering even as just friends literally none exist of us, but yeah. I fucking hate taking pictures of myself and it takes a billion and two tries to get a picture I deem "acceptable" anyway. Were you named after anyone? No. What was the last comic book you read? I don't and never have read comic books. What is your heritage? German, Irish, and Polish. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. All things considered, somehow my former best friend was the worst. She was homophobic, racist, extremely self-centered, drama-driven, excessively bossy, ungrateful... I will never be able to explain how our friendship ever worked. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Burn it. With certainty. We just aren't meant to live forever. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? 99% of my life has been Cringe. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? Be distracted/not pay attention to the other, like by constantly using their phone. It's so rude. That would immediately make me lose interest in you. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? I dunno. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? I was absolutely going to college as a kid. Fast-forward to the future, I've dropped out three times and am going nowhere. Little me saw me as so, so much more successful. Do you actually iron your clothes? No. Unless it's a formal occasion. Do you rent or own your current home? We rent. Have you ever used cursive after school, aside from your signature? My handwriting is naturally mostly cursive. Do you have your groceries delivered or do you buy them yourself? We order our groceries for pick-up, so we have to go to the store, but not in. Do you have a gym membership? Sigh. I do, but Mom and I have really been neglecting going since my time with my personal trainer ran out... What’s your favorite computer game genre? Horror, of course. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you ever been severely mentally ill? I am. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? EW no, that shit grosses me out so much. If someone’s laughing, do you instantly think they’re laughing at you? Suuuure do. How would you react if your parents told you they were having another baby? Well, they're divorced, Mom cannot stand my dad, and she also had a complete hysterectomy when she had ovarian cancer, so like... Have you ever had a garage or yard sale before? How much did you make? Over the course of my life, we've had a few yard sales. I don't remember how much we made at any. Have you ever had to evacuate your home for any reason? No. Which mythological creature is your favorite? DRAGONS. I love dragons. Have you ever been to a butterfly garden before? No, but that sounds amazing. What's the biggest bird you've ever seen up close? Oh my god y'all, when I volunteered once at a wildlife rehab center, I was FEET away from some sort of falcon. Guys, you would not believe JUST how big birds of prey are. I was shocked and in total awe. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? More than once. Were you ever afraid of the dark as a child? I don't THINK I was? What is the strangest thing you’ve been asked? Something inappropriate that really pissed me off. What was your favorite game as a child? I was obsessed with the original Spryo trilogy and would play all three obsessively. What is the darkest thing you have seen on the internet? I don't know, dark shit. Do you crack your knuckles, neck or toes constantly? No, but ugh Girt does that with his neck and it drives me insane alsdkjfaljdlfkwe. Are you constantly catching colds or other sicknesses? No, my immune system is a legend. Are you afraid of mice? No, they're precious. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I go on vacations so irregularly that I can't really answer this. I've been on a vacation maybe twice in my entire life. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't like musicals. Will you willingly sing in front of other people besides your family? God no. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? No. I don't like soup. Who can never fail to make you laugh? Absolutely my boyfriend. He's the funniest person I know. Have you ever been on a tour bus? No. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Earplugs. Are you listening to music right now? No; I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within. Have you ever unbuttoned your ex’s pants? Just one of them, but we were together at the time. What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven’t already? Mom made pizza. What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? Girt's mother has Covid. He's vaccinated, but nevertheless, he's still getting a test done just to be safe, and also because if he's contracted it, I might have it. And that means my mother could get it, which just cannot happen, even if she's vaccinated, too. The poor guy is really freaking out about it, but ASTONISHINGLY, I'm not panicking yet. Girt's health has seemed fine, I'm fine, so... We'll just have to wait to see what his test says. Do you have a lot of trees around your house? What about buildings? No; yes. I hate living in the suburbs, it sucks here. Would you say either one of your parents are 'pack-rats?' No. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? No. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. Do you have freckles? Do you like/dislike them? Not on my face, no. I have a few randomly on my body though. Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? No. Have you downloaded extra fonts for your computer? Oh, plenty. Who is the latest great YouTuber you’ve discovered? The latest, uhhhh. I'd probably say John Wolfe as a truly "great" one considering I watch him regularly now. Do you read the Bible regularly? Yeah, no. All the Bible does is piss me off, frankly. Name three patriotic songs you like. I don't know about three, but I do shockingly like this one country song with a name I can't remember. All I know is it has "red, white, and blue" in the title. ... I think. Oh! There's "Deutschland" by Rammstein, even though it's not about my own country. Has it ever snowed on your birthday? Maybe at some point as a kid? Idr. Do you like the way your name is spelled? No, actually. I wish it was "Brittney." It's more true to the pronunciation. Do you believe in astrology? Not in the slightest, and while I really shouldn't care, like believe what you want, it's a genuine pet peeve of mine when others base their fucking lives around what positions some goddamn stars are in in an infinite universe. They make decisions based on bullshit being spat at them that might not be suitable. I know, it's stupid to care, but I can never seem to NOT roll my eyes when I see/hear people blaming their flaws and shit on this stuff. Are you one of those people who has like a hundred apps on their phone? No; I have very few. What’s the band that you love even though you know they’re awful? I can't help but love some Blood on the Dance Floor songs. :x Do you coo over other people’s babies? No, not really. Like I can acknowledge a cute picture and be like "awww," but it's nothing I lose my mind over at all. What is something that makes you very squeamish? VOMIT. If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you’re still in school, do you think you will? The only high school friend of mine I'm still actively friends with/is still in my life is Girt, obviously. Like I have HS friends on Facebook that I still very much love and will react to what they post and sometimes comment, but we don't really talk-talk. Do you dye your hair regularly? No. :/ That's not something I can afford to do. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Do you know both of your biological parents? Which one do you prefer? I do, and I love them both. Do you store a lot of pictures you’ve taken that no one else has seen? I'm a wanna-be photographer, of course I do. If you had to name your kid after an American state, which would you choose? Probably "Dakota" for either gender. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have your normal dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. Do/did you doodle on your books at school? My notebooks and binders, ohhhh yes. Actual school textbooks, absolutely not. Who’d you last see in a tux? The groom and groomsmen of the last wedding I shot. Who’s the bravest person you know? Sara. Have you ever dated someone who was real sportsy? No.

[ineffably-good]

Twice

Sometimes describing my feelings help so maybe it will today. Please skip ahead to the next post if you are here for GO content, as this is going to be personal and highly uncomfortable and probably something I’ll regret posting. If you’re triggered about dementia issues, this is not the post for you. 

If you’re interested, read it before I come to my senses and delete it. 

Image source: Julia Percival

Eleven years ago my mother died of Alzheimer’s. She was a complex, difficult lady and we had a complex, difficult relationship for most of our life. She coped well with the disease for the first seven years she had it, but the last years were a constant string of losses.

I went to a class once on dementia where they gave us a stack of post it notes and had us make one for each of the twelve things we cared about most in the world - family, friends, hobbies, places we like to go. Then for each stage of dementia, we had to pick three of those we were losing. It wasn’t so hard at first; there were some that were easy to give up. When you got to the severe stage and you only had two or three left, it was heartbreaking to choose what thing you would lose next -- your love for your only child? your memory of your spouse? I was only a few years past mom’s death and I cried so hard in that exercise that I had to leave the room. 

There's a word for the process of watching someone you love lose themselves to dementia. Anticipatory grief. They're gone before they're gone; you lose them while they're still living. Alzheimer’s is especially crushing because for a long time, the person is aware of what's happening and watching it from the inside. It's an awful, horrible disease. It is always fatal.  

In the end, she broke her hip, went to recover in a rehab facility, and died fairly soon thereafter. In the last six weeks of her life, she was nicer and kinder to me than she had ever been before, because she could no longer remember her grievances. When I went to visit (every day), she would recognize me and smile, even if she didn't know exactly who I was. The last thing she ever said to me was "oh it's YOU!" with a kind of childish joy I had never, ever heard from her.

I went through a really long grieving process after she was gone. It took me most of a year to get through a lot of it. I had a three year old who needed me every second, my marriage was undergoing some very serious challenges that year, and I had very little time to myself to process. On the one year anniversary of her death, I parked my car under a streetlight at night in the rain and sobbed for about two hours -- and after that I was a little better.

-- 

image source:  HANS-ULRICH OSTERWALDER

My father has always been the kinder, easier parent. Less angry, less difficult, easier to be around. We've always gotten each other's sense of humor and enjoyed each other's company. We've gotten much closer since Mom passed, because we were able to spend time together in a new way -- more relaxed, less formal. And he's been pretty healthy, until this year. He has only a couple minor health issues. He has one bad knee and has used a cane for a couple years. 

But now? Now my Dad unmistakably has dementia too. Not Alzheimer's, thank god. I think it's vascular dementia, which has its advantages, since it doesn't necessarily progress, and it's not inevitably fatal. But all of a sudden, he's wearing dirty clothes over and over. He can't remember to get his mail. He's repeating things all the time and has little memory of conversations once they are over. Staff in the senior living community where he lives have been pulling me aside here and there to express concern.

I thought it was depression from being cooped up since February; everyone is suffering from that, or just normal aging memory loss. But his doctor called me earlier this week and told me they don't think he's taking his medicines, and when I asked him about it he happily admitted he's stopped taking most of them because he forgot what they were for. No big deal. I went to straighten that out with him today and found him with fifteen different bottles of half full, half-expired pills, none of which he'd been taking, and it took two hours of work to set up the pillbox and answer the same five questions ninety times and draw him a list with pictures of what each pill is and then quiz him on what he's going to do tomorrow morning to find the pills he needs and I *still* don't think he can do it.

So now I can't deny it anymore. He has dementia. He's barely coping.  

Luckily he's moving into assisted living in about three weeks and will have his pills brought to him after that, so this is a short term emergency that I'm going to have to manage on a daily basis. I can do that.

Image source: I’m sorry. I don’t f#@&ing know. I’m very tired and it wasn’t attributed. This one is my mental state. Getting that? Hahahahaha. 

I can do that. And I will. But... but...

I am realizing that I'm having the quiet equivalent of PTSD, facing my second parent with dementia.

I've done this before and I will do it this time and I’ll get through it. I’m fucking resilient. My sister lives too far away to help with the daily stuff, although she’s concerned and grateful. My husband can’t take a shift or a visit because he can’t get into the building where my dad lives. (I get in on a loophole because I work there. Otherwise no visit until COVID ends, otherwise known as forever.) Just me. This is all on me. And I won’t even list the otherwise whopping pile of stress and responsibilities in my life. This is a focused post. *ahem* 

There is a unique trauma to starting this process for a second time. And damn is there not anything out there on the interwebs for how to survive this process a second time. 

So. That’s me. Not sure why I’m sharing this. 

Advice, hugs, or happy thoughts -- cat pictures? sick jokes? -- happily accepted. 

Or, you know, we just go on with our lives. :) As one does.

[dailyaudiobible]

02/14/2021 DAB Transcript

Exodus 37:1-38:31, Matthew 28:1-20, Psalms 34:11-22, Proverbs 9:9-10

Today is the 14th day of February welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian welcome to a brand-new shiny sparkly week out in front of us. And happy St. Valentine's Day. One year ago, one year ago today we were on our way to Israel for our Israel annual pilgrimage and we were passing through Italy, I remember this, just before like these rumors of like this bad virus, they had been kind of swirling around, but they were not starting… starting to actually take hold in earnest, especially in Italy, and then like right after we got out of there to Israel it wasn't just a few days before Italy shut down. And that began because I think…I believe they were the first country, like officially closed down and trying to isolate from the virus. And, so, wow, what…what can happen in a year. Look at what can transpire in a year of time and look what can change in our lives over the course of a year. And, so, let's just remember that these changes are happening day by day step by step, including today. So, happy St. Valentine's Day. We got a brand-new week. We will read from the Common English Bible this week and we will be picking up the story in the book of Exodus. And it feels like we’ve been camping out in Exodus for a while now because we have but we’ll conclude the book of Exodus tomorrow. But that's then and this is now. Today, Exodus chapters 37 and 38.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word and for bringing us this far…this far into the year, this this brand-new week that is opening up to us, this St. Valentine's Day where we commemorate and observe love, love in the world, especially the romantic kind of love and we’re grateful for that gift. And we are thankful for the story that we read in the book of Matthew today, the story of the resurrection, the story that has set our hearts on fire but has also set everything into motion, everything that comes next into motion because of Your resurrection. And, so, Father we are…we’re here in the…pretty much the dead center of the month, but we are turning pages and getting ready to move into some new territory. We concluded the gospel of Matthew today, the first of the four Gospels. So, we will move forward into another gospel tomorrow. And we will conclude the book of Exodus tomorrow and begin to move forward from there, the day after that. So, the next couple of days are going to be days of transition for us as we continue to move forward, we invite Your Holy Spirit into this…into this week and everything we do, everything that we think, everything that we say, all of the motives of our hearts, may they be surrendered to You we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

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If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, if life and light and good news are being spoken into your life and bringing life and direction from the Scriptures, if that makes a difference, if that matters to you then thank you profoundly for your partnership. There is a link on the homepage. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address, if that's your preference, is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, which is the little red button that looks kinda like a hotline button in the app up at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi this is Tiffany from Cleveland and I just want to thank everyone that has prayed for me and my husband Tony for the death of our daughter Jeanna. And I also want to ask that you pray…that I could receive joy again. My joy was lost when my daughter died, and I believe in the Lord and I believe in His peace and I believe that He can give me joy but it's gone, and I desire it. I also want to pray for all those that have lost their children, that their children have died through miscarriage, infant loss, disease, sickness, cancer. It's so hard on us. Our lives are never the same after our children die. I just pray that we could receive peace and joy again in our lives and as we live and learn to live without them. In Jesus’ name.

Hello this is Susan and I'm calling on February the 11th. I just wanted to reply to Jessica from California who spoke today on the…as I was listening to Daily Audio Bible and just to say how much she encouraged me. My father…it was always difficult to communicate with my father. For many years I was not sure why then I found out recently he’s probably on the autistic spectrum. I've also been separated from my husband going on eight years. And, so, a relationship with men is sometimes difficult. I have more male colleagues now at my work and I was just coming home today feeling rather pitiful, discouraged and not sure if I can communicate or compete in the male workplace where more males around me and then come home and look after my children, be strong for all of them. So, thank you so much for the words of encouragement, the words that you say to yourself, thank you God for just the way I am. Thank you God for just the way I am.” And also, the verse in the Bible, I think it's Psalm 139 saying, “we are fearfully and wonderfully made.” So, I just wanted to say thank you Jessica from California for the encouragement you gave me today. Thank you.

Hello everybody my name is Doug from Oklahoma I've been a long-time listener I've just never called in. I have a vaccine schedule tomorrow for Covid and I'm really, really scared. I have bad anxiety and panic attacks and…but I feel like I need to get this vaccine and I would just like your prayers, that nothing goes wrong, I don't have any bad reactions or anything. And, of course, then I'll have to get a second one. So, I love you guys. I…I…I pray for you all too. And I just don't call in very much because I really don't…I'm not a very good talker as you can tell. But anyways your prayers are appreciated for tomorrow. I know the time you hear this the vaccine will be over but, you know, God already knows. So, I thank you all. Doug from Oklahoma. Love you. Bye.

Good evening DABbers my sisters and brothers in Christ this prayer is going to Latasha in California. You spoke of being homeless with your children at one point and just now getting into the housing and afraid that you're going to lose it and be homeless again. I've been homeless before Latasha and I had a young son and I know how scary it is especially when you don't know where you're going to live the next day. Besides if things fall apart you have no safety net. So, Father God I come to You as humble as I know how Father. Father we have a mother right now Father that doesn't know what the situation…how the situation is going to turn out. She's being torn between one person saying one thing and someone expecting another Father God, but I just ask that You put in her heart Father that to stand and feel Your Salvation. God if she stands, she knows where her help will come from. You didn't bring her this far Father for her and her children to be back into the homeless situation. Father, so I ask that You give her strength, give her confidence, give her peace Father, that peace that surpasses all understanding Father that things will be OK. And Latasha, you say you're fearful. God did not give us a spirit of fear but of sound mind. So, just stand and watch his Salvation work this out for you. I look forward to hearing a praise report on how things will work out, not going to, but will. Running Desperately to Jesus. Also known as...

Hi Daily Audio Bible family this is Renzo from Maryland I just want to say just really appreciate what you guys are doing, just keep encouraging people, just keep getting them closer to the Lord. It's amazing to see everybody, all the age groups, all the different ages young and old. It's crazy just to see what the Lord is doing. And just…just asking for prayers for my family, for my mom my dad and my grandfather. Recently they've…they…they've had Covid but they've been getting better and their quarantines about to be up by the grace of God. I just thank God for you…for you guys prayers. And my mom was starting to feel better. She suffers with complex regional pain syndrome and just chronic pain in every part of her body and the Corona virus really hit her really bad but I'm just glad that she's feeling a little bit better. And I just thank the Lord for everything He's blessed me with. And just please just keep them in prayers. And I just want to pray for any of you guys going through anything. Father God I just thank You for everything You bless us with Lord and just please help us to just get closer and closer to You Lord and I thank You for the Daily Audio Bible family and everything they’re doing to encourage and keep Your name to be known. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen. God bless you guys. Have a blessed rest of your day. Jesus loves you. God bless.

Hello DAB family this is your brother Daniel Johnson junior from beautiful Cincinnati OH. Hey, let's pray. Almighty God, You are omniscient all powerful all seeing all knowing and ever…and everywhere omnipresent. God You are so good to all of us and I know that You're working through mankind in all these different ways. I pray for our medical professionals, especially those that are making this vaccine and the distribution of this vaccine, everybody that's in charge of all this. I pray that everybody everywhere can get this vaccine, that Your enemy will be completely defeated as he's looking to tear and seek and skill and destroy…steal, kill, and destroy. I come against the enemy in the name of Jesus Christ and I pray that Your spiritual forces of good, Your spiritual sources Jesus because You’ve achieved…You achieved the complete and total victory, that Your spiritual forces would levy and lay down a serious nuclear style beat down against the enemy to force them back…to…I bind and banish the enemy in the name of Jesus Christ in regard to everything that is related to this coronavirus. May it be according to Your will in Jesus’ name. Amen. Hey God bless you all from beautiful Cincinnati OH this is Daniel Johnson junior. Make it a great day.

[hmlegacy]

My COVID-19 Experience (Long Story)

In late September, around my birthday, my aunt got weirdly sick. This is the aunt that was diagnosed with Stage III or IV stomach cancer last October, in 2019. She took and completed chemotherapy successfully, her cancer is in remission, she was doing great. That being said, she just got off the chemo in perhaps July? If you don’t know, chemotherapy absolutely wipes out your blood cells and depletes your counts. This means you are susceptible to all sorts of illness.

We have been doing every guideline imaginable with this pandemic. We didn’t go out except for necessities--even if we did go out for a superfluity, we had the mask, we wore gloves and disposed of them, and we were constantly washing hands or using sanitizer. From March to October--7 months--we were good. Then all hell broke loose.

My aunt got diagnosed with pneumonia. The doc in the box, however, did get scans of her lungs and found the telltale crystallization and wanted to do a COVID-19 test. My aunt only had a few symptoms but, naturally, they were weakening her supremely. Just got off chemo. Thusly, because of this, she also was taking all necessary measures. Her best friend who lived down the street from her would bring her groceries...however, this best friend is also a community church leader, she would get the food from the banks and redistribute it to the homeless in our urban areas of town. A beautiful gesture...but is putting you around people that probably are not wearing masks.The friend is similarly sick but, due to my aunt’s immune system, her symptoms generate quickly.

My mom takes my aunt to the hospital because she is getting no better treating it as pneumonia. My mother is using the mask and everything but the negligent hospital actually allows her to stay in the room...because they think it’s pneumonia. It is not pneumonia. Come to find out, she is COVID-19 positive.

My cousin and I had a conversation with a longtime cohort of ours. It went like... “I got a call from (aunt’s best friend) and she was making these long dramatic pauses and my heart just plummeted.” I said, “Yea, you thought she was gonna say your mama was gone, right?” “Right! And she was just like...’I’m not feeling well’.” The cohort expressed his confusion as to why we were so...pessimistic. I advised “We’ve been through that call a lot”.

My aunt’s best friend died.

So, so, so much confusion. She was younger than my aunt, had some breathing issues but they were being treated, and she was very energetic. She went to the hospital--the hospital kicked my aunt out, saying it was not ‘safe for her’. My aunt went home...and recovered. They had her friend and kept her. Every day, the story changed but it sounded like...she was getting better? They were giving her steroid treatments, they put her in an induced coma to keep her fever down, the doctor said she’s doing ‘much better’. I woke up to my mother screaming. She was gone. She also had COVID.

My mother...went to where I work in administrative to get the testing. The only person she’d had contact with, really, was my aunt. She also had COVID...and, therefore, the rest of us had COVID.

I’m not describing the time frame well at all. It’s just jumbled. But there were spaces where COVID-19 was dismissed and not on the table by certain professionals. Testing here still is taking upward of 3-5 days. My dad, the hypochondriac, goes to a facility, they diagnose him with upper respiratory infection. Down the damn hill from there.

I love my dad to pieces but he is the most dramatic human being I know. He’s the type of person that will list details about the past and throw in a line like “so really, you’re lucky that you were born” or something to get an emotional response. And because I’m not that person, I’m just like “I mean, if I wasn’t born, how would that have affected me? I wouldn’t be there?”. He’s just a very...emotional human being and I’ll admit...we tend to not always take him seriously as a result.

I started coughing. Tired. Weak. Fatigued. My mom had similar symptoms. Nonetheless, if I had to call it anything, I’d say it was like a moderately bad cold. My dad also had the same but he kept saying, ‘this is bad. I’m telling you, this is bad’. As a reminder, I have T1 diabetes, hypothyroidism, and, per the diabetes, heart disease to a degree so I am not...a great candidate for being around illnesses. But, I trucked through and helped my mom care for my dad...after my aunt’s best friend died, my dad insisted we take him to the hospital.

This probably is where the story diverges away from ration and takes on what many might call ‘conspiratorial’...but, another reminder, we are black. Historically, our medical complaints get ignored until we are fully in the throes of the worst possible outcome or dead. I complained about my heart from the time I was sixteen years old, it was always kind of dismissed as ‘that’s weird’ and a shrug, and it took me having a small heart attack at 28 years old for it to be taken slightly seriously. The hospital that had been keeping the best friend? Well, in my experience, they literally kicked me out perhaps four hours after I had my stent placed. Basically, we don’t trust hospitals often.

My mom is sobbing. My oldest brother is irate. We don’t trust hospitals, he’s like, ‘no, no, don’t take him to the hospital. What happened to best friend is going to happen to him’. I’m thinking, ‘look, I’ll take him to my alma mater’s hospital, they’ll do the testing, they’ll reassure him, and he’ll feel better’. That’s how his hypochondria works, once he knows what it is, he recovers so much better, even if it is the basic cold. So I take him, they give him a pulse ox reader, an inhaler, and tell him to isolate until the results get back and send him home.

We’re all relieved. For a few days. He is deteriorating. I try to treat him for his symptoms but he is not doing great. I took his pulse ox, it was reading 75. Should be in the upper 90s, ya’ll. I called my alma mater’s hospital, she basically admits the things are faulty, but, that if it’s showing that low, it’s probably not a good sign and he needs to come to the hospital. Panic again, I take him back.

By this point, I’m like, ‘Do I even have this thing? I’m treating it like I do but...’. So, when I take him in, I tell them we’ve had exposure and I would like to get tested. The hospital takes me back and a nice nurse tells me, ‘look, this thing is crazy. It’s essentially unavoidable--it’s everywhere. And it is not being addressed correctly’. While not reassuring in any way, this did make me realize it was just a matter of time before this occurred...just wasn’t expecting it like this.

Naturally, because this is where I get all my treatment, they go in and find that, uh, you had a heart attack? And, essentially, they just admitted me. I was like, ‘no, no, I’m okay, I think, I just want testing’. But they give me the whole routine to be safe, x-raying my lungs, blood tests, EKG--my EKG looked normal when I was having the heart attack, I really just want them to stop utilizing this thing. I hung around, they took the test, found everything looked okay...but they are going to admit my dad.

They allow me to go see him which was also crazy and I hung around for a while. He looks really, really bad. This is not his dramatics. I video call my oldest brother and he’s just devastated because, seriously, if any of my dad’s dramatics are at work, it seems like he’s just given up. But he does insist he hasn’t, he just doesn’t know. I tearfully leave him and the doctors here seem a bit bewildered by my response and insist he’s going to be just fine. I look at my online portal results in a few days, I also have COVID.

My older brother is on the autism spectrum. He is verbal to a very, very small degree--he speaks words but you have to know him to know how to apply them (Like “left” means “the highway”). It’s a very short list of words and he doesn’t offer many to us to use to have him understand--mostly because, if anything, he is insanely stubborn and does not want to understand. It is his way or he’s going to have a violent outburst or just flat out ignore, even to his detriment. My mom was eating a bowl of soup--he snatched it from her, something he has never done, and basically drinks it. Before anyone can say anything, he has consumed this bowl of tainted soup and we’re all just gawking at him in horror.

Needless to say, he also got COVID-19. He was...okay, for a bit. Seems to be the story. Then, slowly, he just can’t get out of bed anymore. He starts vomiting, he has gastric issues, he cannot eat, and he is falling. Meanwhile, my dad is in the hospital and I am increasingly fatigued and hurting. My knee injury from 2011 flares up intensely and I am in excruciating pain. I’m like, ‘this cannot be COVID’. Nope. It is, per the nurse assistant I called.

Everything--and I mean everything this illness could have targeted, it targeted. I was nauseous, I was hot (but no fever?), in pain, and tired. But, again, because my mother and I were the least sick in the house, we had to keep trucking along. My dad stayed in the hospital for a week. He started hallucinating and I guess that was the final straw, they said, ‘he’s good’. I went and picked him up, he was...weird. He came home with a lot of tomfoolery and drugs that literally had as the first accepted side effect ‘hallucinations’ and incessant hiccups. Again, another symptom of COVID.

We fixed that. But my poor brother, he was...he was in tough shape. Like, he could not keep anything down. There were days where he seemed to recover and then went back down for the count. Because this particular hospital did so well with my dad, we took him there as well. It’s a little trickier with him, if he does not want to be there...he does not want to be there. He was ready to go by the morning of the next day and was in full angry mode at points. Only my mom could stay, however, so she had no real calming support. They didn’t really get a good grasp on what was wrong with my brother--they tried multiple diagnoses but none of them checked out. They found his anti-seizure meds were destroying his blood counts so they changed that and sent him home...so he could just continue to be fatigued and tired.

Everyone...is okay. My aunt recovered but her best friend and closest companion is gone. The husband’s family blamed my aunt at the woman’s wake, over her body, for her death and, if you ever wonder why I write such dramatic stuff, this is why, this is the nonsense I end up around. I can’t...imagine the pain of not being able to properly attend your best friend’s funeral because of shunning but my aunt was in pieces and I admit, I was ready to go fight some people. My cousin almost did--I promise you, this lady was the sweetest woman and, if there is an afterlife, she is probably just as appalled. Her mom called my aunt and told her not a living soul in the best friend’s family thought she had anything to do with it.

I write this long AF journal to say...this thing is all types of real. I didn’t have it that bad--the mildest form, I would say, compared to most, just aside from being asymptomatic. But I do feel somewhat different. My thoughts feel like they’re in a fog--I’m still a bit tired but I’m always tired. Forgetfulness and jumbled are my biggest peeves though. I’m keeping sharp but, observing it in my parents, it’s a little...concerning. We luckily don’t seem to have longterm breathing issues but...

Bro is okay. I’ll admit to my fault that we didn’t a hundred percent realize how bad that drug for his seizures were. Depakote...was apparently a big component in a lot of his angry outbursts. He’s been having these outbursts for twenty years. I don’t...understand how he had all these doctors that we explained his behavior to and they were just like ‘that’s normal’ when he has meds with these side effects. The new meds, unfortunately, made him depressed so he was crying a lot and we don’t like that either but with some tweaking, he’s...about the nicest guy. Still demanding, really, but he’s...got more patience. Not bursting into tears too much or angry too much, just very balanced and cordial. About...really the only good thing to come out of this.

I will say, do take this seriously. We weren’t fooling around and got this thing, we were helping a family member not die. But that means you can definitely get this with some of the behavior I’ve seen--please, we’re getting new leadership, we’re well into a vaccine--I know people can’t avoid work. I know people can’t always avoid going out either--it is detrimental to a lot of people’s mental health which I don’t think many people on specifically this site grasp? There’s multiple reasons why being contained in a house is not mentally healthy for some people. That being said, don’t...go to weddings with hundreds of people? Don’t have weddings with hundreds of people. I know we all had plans for this year, I know I did--but don’t be a source for anyone having to suffer. If you must, if you want, just keep it small and contain yourself afterward. We are almost there.

My experience was a best outlook outcome...and someone in the story still died.

[mandysimo13]

2020 has been a helluva year

I know it’s not technically new year’s yet but since it’s on my mind, let’s do a year in review. 

This year has been so fucking disorienting, in so many ways, and it’s hard to believe anything is real. Every other day there’s new outrage, new disgust, new triumphs, new joys, new fears, new ways to cope with existence. 

First we list the good from this year. 

My two best friends welcomed brand new daughters into the world. I was lucky enough to spend two weeks with one of them, helping her out since her in-laws are too compromised to help and her own mother is gone. I got to see my brand new niece have her first few experiences in life, hang out with dogs, and spend lots of time with my sister-from-another-mister. 

I got engaged to an amazing partner who is everything I’ve wanted in a spouse. He’s sweet and funny and makes me want to be a better person and work hard towards my goals. He’s the most supportive of my new career path and while he’s not always super interested in what I’m researching, he’s always willing to listen to me info dump when I get excited. He lets me help him and kick him in the ass when he needs it, lets me hold him when he needs it, and I never feel unloved or unwanted with him. Not to mention, the sex is really good, too, lol

I’ve started working on a new career path and trying to make history my job. I’ve been doing lectures on niche history and working towards making it a legitimate job and a legitimate company. I’ve been gaining a following and legitimacy as I make networking connections and getting my foot in doors that will open up opportunities for me. 

I have not lost anyone very close to me during this pandemic, even if a couple have gotten sick or injured. I did lose an uncle to covid, though he was 90 and was already in declining health. The other people who have caught it have so far managed to recover and haven’t had any obvious long lasting problems (yet *knock on wood*) 

I got on anxiety and depression medication this year and it has made all the difference this year; not only with the every day stuff but with some of the pandemic craziness. I honestly don’t know how I would be doing, mentally and emotionally, without it. I am very very very grateful for my meds, despite the very few side effects I’ve had. 

Now for the bad

Every day there is something new and awful to be had. Whether it’s US politics continually shitting on struggling americans or murder hornets or natural disasters or covid deniers or police brutality or fear mongers or throw a dart at this bingo card from hell year we’ve had. It’s all been fucked up and Too Much™

The isolating and social distancing, while absolutely necessary, has been exhausting and terrifying, and it’s been rough. I’m an extrovert. I thrive around people. I miss crowds. I miss walking around through stores without freaking out about distance. I miss being able to give hugs to people other than the people I live with. I miss traveling, which was my previous job, and the students I used to expose to the world. I miss being able to actually be part of the world.

I’ve been fairly lucky that my closest friends have kept small bubbles so we’ve been able to hang out from time to time but nowhere near as often as I need in order to feel balanced. I miss my historian happy hours. I miss movie theaters. I’ve been to a few restaurants since they’ve opened but it’s definitely not the same and I feel bad for everyone (including myself) caught between having to go out and make a living and staying home and staying safe because this country’s “social safety nets” are a fucking joke. 

And speaking of those safety nets, I’m on unemployment. For the first time in my working life I’m cashing in those tax dollars and all I’m entitled to is $450 a month. Thank fucking god I live with family and don’t need to pay rent. Thank fuck that my dad pays for our internet and majority of our food. Because aside from a few donations for my services every month, I **just** have enough to cover my few bills. This has been my poorest fucking year and you know what the kicker is? 

It was supposed to be my most profitable. This was supposed to be my busiest year for tour work since I got into the business. I missed out on so much money, so many work experiences, so many opportunities because of this fucking plague. And because our government couldn’t get their shit together. Because people fucking suck and they’re selfish and they decided their convenience was more important than safety. And those people are still fucking denying its “that big a deal” and denying the need for a vaccine. I’m so tired of hearing people say that covid is a hoax or overblown or whatever the fuck. I’m tired. 

In lieu of being around people, like most of you, I’ve taken to being on social media more. More zoom calls, more video chats, more messenger chats, and more facebook groups. And what I’ve found is that living almost entirely on the internet is doing something fucking awful to us: we’re forgetting there’s real people on the other side of the screen. We’re forgetting that humans are complicated beings, both capable of goodness and shittiness and we’re focusing too much on the bad because it is often louder than the good. I’ve seen so much infighting and gatekeeping and nastiness between people who are supposedly “on the same side” in every group from political to fucking memes. Like. It’s ridiculous and tiresome and it makes me want to clunk heads together. Or leave earth for awhile. 

Just. All in all, this year has been hard. There have been highlights but for the most part everything is so heavy and dark and I feel like as a society nothing is actually getting better. I don’t have a lot of hope for 2021. I am not encouraged by what I’ve seen this year and how people insist on behaving and treating each other. I fear that 2021 is going to be worse before it gets better. 

But hey. At least Biden won (don’t get me started, he was not my first choice) and I get to marry the love of my life in October next year. 

And, if we’re really lucky, we’ll be able to celebrate with our friends. 

Here’s to 2021, hopefully you’re not a giant suck salad. 

[sea-salted-wolverine]

Okay so last week was a shitkicker and was literally so bad I spent the better part of the week trying to delude myself into thinking it was a good day. Like, we're talking, "the sun is shining and I'm here to see it so today is a good day" and "I'm having a bad day- fuck me I am not haveing a bad day- I'm having a good day- I'm not having a bad day". Denial is a powerful tool for mental health, apply judiciously. I get that everyone on earth is kinda having a shitty year but it feels like things just kinda escalated in my little corner

The 7th had a huge snow storm that brought traffic to a stand still. No one could leave the house and university class was online anyway. Batshit customer demanded to pick up her gear anyway. I drove in because I was the only person with keys to the shop that could get to the building. It took me a solid 2 hours going 15mph on the highway. The snow in the parking lot was up past the fenders of my truck. Crazy lady gets 10 out of 18 of her survival suits back but the other 8 still have holes in them because our only repair tech is also the only one who answers the phone or runs the computer or handles customers or cleans or disinfects anything or stores gear. I'll give you one guess who that person is.

Did you guess me? Good for you. Fun fact this was not the case in October.

Crazy lady swans off through the snowed in parking lot and because she cant find the exit, blasts straight through the ditch and onto the road.

I say fuck it and leave. I've been at work for 2 hours. I have made 24 dollars for my trouble. It takes me another hour to get home.

The 8th is Saturday and I'm supposed to be at work. No one can drive. There was another 10 8nches of snow last night. I say fuck work and go to dig out the plow truck. The canopy over the plow truck collapses as I walk out to clear the snow of it.

I do not scream.

My partner and I get the truck running and go plow people out of their driveways and then go do the shop.

We come back home and the heater doesn't work. We just spent most of last week frantically trying to limp the thing along because no heat at -20°F is in a word fucking unpleasant. At least now its 40 degrees warmer because if the snowstorm. We take it apart again. The house smells like diesel. The house smells like exhaust. The house is not cold because the wood stove can keep up at 20 above zero but it won't keep us through the winter.

There is no saving the oil heater. We need a new one.

Its 730 and neither of us have eaten. I start rice in the pressure cooker so I can throw a tasty bite on top and call it dinner and that dies too. Explosively.

Dinner is half cooked rice and microwaved curry.

Sunday is spent finding a way to stretch our increasingly thin budget to buy a new heater. Between us we actually have 2275$ and we will still cover the mortgage. Somehow. All our Christmas gifts will be hand made this year. The next thing that breaks will stay broken.

Monday, power outages due to snow storm. No wifi, no zoom meetings. Another 8 inches of snow. This is now more snow than my city gets for the full year.

My boss calls sobbing. The dog died. Joey, an 11 year old, 130lb mastiff with a tumor the size of a football on his liver has been her constant companion for at least 8 years. The pandemic has confused the bejesus out of him because while he loves the lock down and going out to play every hour or so he doesnt really like the concept of strangers in masks. Hes a guard dog and doesnt understand that men in masks coming into the shop are not here to kill mom they're wearing masks so they don't kill mom.

Mondays the shop is closed anyway and I spend it installing the new heater. It doesn't quite fit in the space the old heater came out of but its warm.

Tuesday, I go to work, everyone cancels class, I once again gently explain to a regular that eugenics is bad. I would like to curse him out. I cant. He drops a grand on scuba gear and leaves, talking about how great his trip to Mexico will be.

I do not scream.

A friend calls to ask how I'm doing. Not great. Yea, her niether. She asks if I want to go out to the backcountry with her over the weekend. I explain that my leg physically does not move and I'm downing copious amounts of advil to remain upright. The doctor sent me in for an MRI but has not yet called back. Plus I'm supposed to go to Valdez for the weekend and actually go diving. That I can do with limited use of my leg.

She says yikes, take it easy, take care of yourself, I love you.

I say, yikes, I'm tired of taking it easy, I wanna play, I love you too.

Hit me up if your plans open up and we can do something gentle on your leg. She says.

God yes. The cold woods away from people sounds like paradise. I dont even care that it will cause me rending physical pain to get there. I need a break.

Its Wednesday. I go to school. I get pulled over. Miraculously I dont get a ticket. I'm white female and conventionaly attractive, maybe not so miraculous. I rolled through a stop sign but I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford a ticket.

I get a text in class. One of the instructors who works with the dive shop has tested positive for covid. I haven't seen the man in 2 months. I needed a spare instructor but he was nowhere to be found. But hey, evidently that's a good thing.

I go to work. I vacillate between doing the job a 4 people and having nothing to do.

I go to the grocery store because I misjudged my last monthly grocery run and even though I'm increasing my exposure I'm out of cheese and tea damnit.

The store is packed. Pandemic who?

My partner and I haven't had a date nite in a while and this week has been shitty. I want a nice dinner. I pick up a couple boxes of the carton sushi which isnt terrible and is about as nice as I can justify on the new budget. I grab a gallon of milk and a few other things. I forgot my wallet in the truck and the cashier is chill and sets my stuff aside while I grab it.

I pay and take my stuff home and realize I left one of my bags at the store. No cheese or tea for me.

Thursday. 10am my phone goes off with an emergency alert. The govoner has grown a spine in light of recent elections and is instituting a voluntary lock down. My state has 500 new cases a day. That might not sound like a lot but theres only 300,000 people in Alaska and we've got poor medical infrastructure.

Unfortunately Alaska is full of Alaskans and nobody can tell us what to do. Nothing changes. 7pm rolls around and I'm teaching scuba classes in the pool.

I load a few hundred pounds of scuba gear into the back of my truck. In a wet wetsuit. In the snow. In a fabric facemask. 6 feet apart. In the pool.

I dont get paid for pool time.

Over the summer we had 6 dive masters including me, all big burly dudes, much better suited to picking things up. Its November and I'm the only one.

The kids I'm teaching are going to Hawaii. They're 10 and 13 and so wildly excited about breathing underwater its beautiful to watch. And they're traveling to an island. In a pandemic.

Friday.

Unload scuba gear so it doesnt get stolen out of the back of my truck while I'm at class. Were doing a make up lab today. Hey of the five student in my class only one of us has covid so theres that.

My boss calls an let's me know that shes left for Valdez without me. If I'd like to make an 8 hour drive by myself in a snowstorm I'm welcome to follow.

I'm in class till an hour before shop closing. I'm not driving across town so I can run on the open sign for half an hour.

The shop stays closed on Friday.

Saturday.

I explained to everyone we had business with that the shop would be closed over the weekend and Friday. I planned on being in Valdez. Hell I canceled plans to be in Valdez.

I open the shop and immediately field calls about why we werent open. I start to explain about the Valdez trip and logistical difficulties and then I realize that shes not mad about that. The woman was here before I opened early this morning. We have never been open that early. The hours are on the door.

A regular comes in. Hes also confused as to why I'm here.

Sunday finds me curled up in bed, reluctant to leave. Getting out of bed has not played out well for me recently.

A friend comes over to chat with my partner about specialist rifle parts. This isnt that wierd, he works at a gun shop and they've been discussing upgrading my partners current rifle set up.

He is wearing a full Scottish kilt. Red tartan. Looks very lovely.

I make zucchini bread and my proportions are a little off because I have too much zucchini so it's a little over moist but it's good. I'm recovering from an asskicker of a week and next week will be better.

Monday morning:

Baby brother has covid

Dads getting the results of his rapid test tonight.

Mom isnt getting tested because she says she doesnt have symptoms but that's not the fucking point mom.

So, I'm not going home for thanksgiving. I'm not diving in Valdez. I'm not skiing backcountry.

I'm not sick. I'm not flat broke yet. I dont have a ticket. I have a job. I have people who care about me. Im managing my physical and mental health as best I can. Im just fucking exhausted.

[imstunning]

my whole entire feelings are hurt. ok I am Estranged from my entire dads side of the family except my half sister. we’ve gotten close the last few years and she had a baby during quarantine. I finally got the courage to go down there with my bf to meet the baby we took tests we’ve been extra careful. so we’ve been planning on going for like over a month, it’s a 4 hours drive btw. 2 weeks ago we were gonna go but her mom had an oncology appointment and they were going to see if her cancer is back so I was like ok I get it that’s special time totally understand. then last week I was like can’t wait to see you and my nephew this weekend and she was like my coworker has covid and the baby is sick so we’re gonna get tested, found out they’re negative but I guess he’s still sick so I was like totally fine let’s do next weekend then. but then my step mom (also her step mom) and step sister at their respective houses posted pictures of them with the baby. and they don’t even live that close to her it’s a good 30-45 min drive AND my sister is living with her mom bcz she left her baby daddy so it’s not like she needed a sitter and it’s covid ANYWAY I’m salty as shit my feelings are hurt did I get ditched and also I don’t get to visit nearly as often like they do because I live so far away and I don’t have a car so when i do get to go I have to line it up with my bf’s plans since he’s driving and my feelings are really hurt. Because that family has gotten to see that baby so much and I still haven’t and I’ve gotten into recent fights with them online lmao so it feels like they’re rubbing it in my face anyway I’m just salty

[technicolordeams]

June 7, 2020

“I'm the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.” -  Tom Leveen, Party

This has been my status on discord for about a month now. It just feels too relevant to me at these times.

I know I said I was going to update my blog back in May, but it’s taken me until now to get to doing it. Things have been hectic both with me and in the world. I am dealing with emotional trauma still (But I’m not going to talk about it on here. I do not feel safe enough to do so and I’m going to keep it to myself, my therapists, parents, and pastors at my church. Maybe two other people that I know too. Some people know that something went down with me recently but I won’t spread it around anymore. I’d rather not deal with anything... But it has caused me to have renewed trauma from when I was growing up. Surprisingly I don’t have an association with a girl I considered my best friend for seven years who turned out to be a pathological liar and manipulator. I guess I was able to get closure with that one and just be done with it. But the ones from before that... It just brings those back up. Anyways, I won’t go into any further detail about that in this blog.)

So I’ll try to summarize things a bit... But I’ve never been good at keeping things short. xD 

First off, in November of 2019 I started having really bad pains in my stomach. Just... horrific pain. (Before this started, I was working getting a job with the aid of a job coach.) I landed in the ER a total of 4 times, could have been 5 but that fit wasn’t as bad and went away after a couple hours. But in December after my 3rd ER visit to get pain relief and more testing... and some morphine (sorry but this stuff was good. But I know limitations and wasn’t going to the ER for it. It was strictly to ease the pain so I could rest) I had a couple tests done... I FINALLY got an x-ray of my stomach and it showed I had a slightly inflamed gallbladder. Before this, the nurse that was working with me and my parents just believed I was having constipation and I was being too sedentary. That miffed me big time. I remember coming home one day from shopping for groceries and such that my mom was just telling me off about how I need to exercise more... (I have a fear that is ingrained in my head over exercising. Thanks Children’s ED center.) I just went to my room, no lights, didn’t take my jacket off at all, just curled up on my bed and cried as quietly as I could even though I wanted to wail. I was sick of people not believing me when things aren’t going right with my body and I have been mistreated for many things. I didn’t want to hear this from my parents. There was something wrong and I needed help. I did end up getting a HIDA scan after meeting with a surgeon who said the x-ray wasn’t enough proof that there was something wrong and didn’t want to do anything drastic that possibly won’t help me. But I got the HIDA scan which confirmed that there was something wrong with my gallbladder and on my birthday (Horray horray. Legit though I was so happy) I was approved for surgery to get it removed. The surgeon cut my gallbladder open and found A LOT of small gallstones. He was kind of shocked. Over all of this... I lost probably 10lbs? max? Either way, enough to be concerning to me. Now I’m using this experience to get my parents to actually freaking listen to me when I say I’m having problems and that it needs addressed as quickly as possible and quit dragging your damn feet and believe ME.

Also from the surgery, they had to put a breathing tube down my throat. But something happened and has caused me to have chronic coughing fits where I couldn’t even breathe without coughing. And because of my phobia of throwing up, I didn’t want to eat so I started to restrict for a while. Lots of testing was done to figure out what was wrong there... I got an asthma test and it showed that I had a breathing abnormality but the ENT doctor the day before gave me steroids to help. Said it wouldn’t affect my asthma test the next day. It did. :) Had to wait until May to get retested and another test done. The steroids did help for a while... But getting to that point I had been seeing my regular doctor and he gave me a stronger cough medicine that gave me auditory hallucinations... That was terrifying. So I quit that. Was put on another cough medicine that had a controlled substance in it to suppress my cough. It helped... but not enough. In the end since I didn’t want to wait until May to get tested, my doctor got me an inhaler. It actually has helped a lot. I still cough, but it’s not to the gagging/can’t breathe point anymore. I was very scared and stressed and made my dad take me to get lots of tests. Even speech therapist. Due to the covid-19 threat though, I have been heavily isolating myself at home and my asthma test that I was supposed to get last month got canceled/put off to a later date. So I’m stuck paying for an inhaler at full price because insurance is a dick. Anyways that’s that...

In April, I got a puppy. I finally got a dog that I had been thinking about for months and praying for... His name is Echo and he is a yellow lab. The first couple weeks were absolute hell. He would get up at random hours of the night and needs constant supervision. He’s almost 4 months now, but he’s still very much a puppy. He knows sit, stand, down, looks at me if I call his name with a treat in my hand so he’s recognizing his name... And sometimes off when he will listen. I have plenty of bite marks on my hands and stuff xD I had to have an extreme learning curve on how to take care of him. He doesn’t have accidents in the house as much as before, he will usually indicate he needs to go potty by sniffing around and pacing or going to the door and looking at me like, ‘human. I must defecate.’ xD And he’s got quite the attitude. Which I don’t mind as long as he’s not ripping my clothes or biting me or jumping at me. Dad has stepped in to help me during the mornings take care of him since I’m not sleeping well. Which has helped me out a lot. He’s doubled in size already and I’m so happy with how he’s acting for the most part. The past couple days this past week we’ve learned how the hose works and how to have fun in it since it’s so hot outside. (Also learned I’m allergic to grass. Yay.) But there were several days where I was so stressed and scared that I couldn’t keep up with him and take care of him and I’d have to give him away... But I already invested so much money in him and time and have already fallen in love with him, I won’t give him up. Right now he’s sleeping under my desk as I write this post. Lots of the time though I have to force myself to pretend to be happy and praise him and play with him and teach him what to do and what not to... And it’s emotionally exhausting. Especially this past week.

I had a couple triggers the past two weeks. One was a possible fractured toe from jamming it super hard into the corner of my desk... Another I was woken to Echo making a horrific gagging noise that scared the shit out of me. Then I’ve been working with a grief counselor this past month in addition to regular therapy (obviously over video chat because of infection chances...) for extra support. Thankfully it’s pro bono so I don’t have to pay anything and neither does any of my insurances. But while working on a section in my WRAP plan (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) there was a part where I just started shutting down and falling apart. The Crisis Plan. “This is what I look like when I’m well:” That is where everything started falling apart. It has been like 7 months since I have felt well at all. I can identify what it looks like when things get too bad to handle on my own for the most part... but when I was asked about if my behavior endangers or has negative effects on me or others I want my supporters to... I locked up. I realized I do not really have anyone who I can go to for any sort of help. My therapist is the only one I can go to really about anything, but I can’t get the amount of help that I need from just her. She has told me that if there was no virus threat and that I was in a different city, she would recommend me to go to a mental health program there... That’s how bad I’ve gotten. 

In December my suicidal thoughts have sprung back up and I have withdrawn slowly and then faster from everyone. My parents don’t know how to handle me when I’m dealing with emotional distress... They are not very knowledgeable about mental illnesses and are pretty cold to emotional reactions. Sometimes mean. I love them very much yes and I know they would do whatever they could to help me... but when I need support from them specifically, things just go downhill. And I no longer have people I consider friends online anymore. I don’t feel safe to call anyone that right now. A girl from my church who was also in the Bible study I was attending before covid hit has been trying to reach out to me. Her and another lady at church are the only ones really actually reaching out to me. My pastor only stepped back into the picture after I posted asking for prayer for me since I called the suicide hotline the night before. And the things he has said to me already have been rather infuriating. Which makes me feel resentful towards the church I’m attending. That and the fact that nobody else actually reaches out to me at all. I know life has been thrown upside down and many have their own families with small children and such... It just feels very two-faced sometimes. I know that’s my distorted thinking kicking in as well... But it’s there and nobody’s around to disprove it. I am very grateful for the one girl who has been trying hard to reach out to me and encourage and just be there, but I know she knows little about the world and the crap in it and has experienced much if it first hand so far. But God bless her she really does try and care. My therapist has talked with my pastor after I signed a release form for her to do so and my parents have also talked to him about me last week. I have yet to hear from him since then though. They are busy though I know trying to figure out how to deal with this covid crap and how to manage the church so people who can’t go physically can still be sort of included...But I just don’t know if I want to go for a while. 

But yeah. While I have been dealing with the loss of my entire online friend group and then being harassed on facebook and only seeing horrible news about covid and people insulting different people and politicians and crap on there... I disabled it for a while. I posted that I was going to do that several hours before I did and told people to message me if they wanted to keep contact with me somehow... Maybe two people did. Granted I had only 69 people on my friends list and a good chunk were family members from the Philippines and don’t usually speak english... I do feel better about not being on it though. The first couple days when I woke up I’d automatically go to fb to look at my notifications and silly stories that I’d get recommended, but after that I felt complete relief. I did get into a bit of an argument about two weeks or so before I decided to do this with a childhood friend I had... She just irritated me... Making it sound like she shouldn’t be forced to stay in like people higher in risk of infection/death because she was healthy and yada yada... Not going to argue on here. I just realized fb is just a toxic social media outlet and I didn’t want to be a part of it. I’m especially glad I got off of it while I did before the rioting happened. I would rather not have my timeline flooded with it. 

Oh yeah, we did get rioting here where I live. Actually 10min away from where I live. That was scary the first couple nights. First night I was home alone with Echo when it started going down while my parents were at work. Thankfully though, our mayor put in a curfew and my parents’ work was closed down at exactly 5pm for EVERYONE. Including employees. Dad had to work on barricading one entrance way in case of looting. Sent me pictures of what he had to do... it was surreal. Not only do we need to be afraid of covid but now hostile people. (Note: I do NOT condone what those police officers did. They are getting punished heavily I assume. If anything, we shouldn’t have been rioting but instead having a vigil in honor for the man killed. Protesting is fine too. But when it becomes violent... I don’t agree with it. That’s just me though. Anyways enough political crap. I don’t want to discuss it on here.) The past two nights the mayor put up a curfew again for two days but two hours later than before (8pm) just to be on the safe side. My parents’ work has gone back to normal hours today. I did go out yesterday to get some groceries and medicine I needed. My car’s A/C has died. That was two hours of hell. 

But yeah...uhm... The depression has increased this past week. Actually... a couple weeks before that. I had a meltdown over Echo chewing through the wire of my drawing tablet... I had it still hooked up even though I can’t draw anymore (Long story... recent bunch of trauma related reasons) because of trauma and also lazy to get in the back of my computer to unplug it. And sort of hope that I might pick it back up again... But that destroyed me that night. I wasn’t mad at him for doing it. He’s a baby he doesn’t know anything. It was my fault for not paying attention and taking a bit more care with those wires. Dad was able to fix it though. But I can’t look at it. That same night I received a text from a friend I made in treatment that I love to death... Telling me that she had just got home from being hospitalized and then placed in a psych ward after trying to commit suicide. I think I broke then. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to process very much emotion... Sleep has become very bad... I fell asleep in my chair a few nights ago. Last week was the first time I’ve been able to have any sort of reaction to emotion aside from a heavy depression... I need a big trigger to happen so that I can finally release these emotions inside because it just won’t come, but I feel it waiting behind a thick glass wall in my head. I’ve even started watching movies and shows that would scare me normally and would avoid just from reading the premise or a trailer. I don’t really get much feeling from it (aside from the one night I watched the new Carrie movie and I had to take Echo out at night and it was foggy and very spooky). 

I think I’ll leave this here now and be done for a bit... I’ve written quite a lot and I’m sure very few people know of it’s existence and will look. But at least I’ve finally gotten some of it out... somewhere... Hopefully Echo will let me take a nap in a little bit. I would like to talk about my eating disorder at some point and how I’ve been since I got out of the treatment facilities in 2018 and maybe some other things. Been watching a bunch of videos of different mental illnesses because I’ve been running into a lot of people with them and I want to be able to at least know what’s it about and how to be a better person towards them and also not offend anyone so nobody goes off on me again.

[uncookspaget]

I know I’m not a big blog and have like any followers, infact I love that. This is my space away from reality, friends, family and I love it, there’s no stress just stories and art and I get to come and go as I please. And I don’t have friends I need to check up on here, which sounds kinda rude but I like this space as my “me time”. So to say. This is my no responsibilities space. My silent appreciation and support of things that help me escape.

But the last month has been so fucking wild, so I’m going to vent rant here for a bit, first let me say this, I am trying get disability, because I have health issues and learning disabilities, so I had to sit and do an assessment for like 6 hours or something, back in November. But anyway it was to figure out what I might have come to find out I have a severe disability with numbers, anything to do with numbers, and then I found out I have autism, which not really a surprise I did my research before, like I have with other stuff. I know myself so well that I can go online research stuff and already know what I have before a professional tells me.(always get professional advice!!!!) So when I found out my mom laughed cause she knew that I already I knew that before being told. But anyway I have autism, severe disability with numbers, (I’m going to brag about myself a little cause I have something to be proud of) my reading and writing are that of a college level, and I have a extremely fast processing speed. So this was all very validating for me.

Then I guess like a week later? I’m sitting in my apartment with my mom, dad, and younger sister, we hear the fire alarm go, and well we’ve lived here for like 5.5 years and in those years we’ve had three fires, and multiple false alarms to the point we thought oh it’s nothing someone burned lunch, right? So my dad goes knocking on doors and I go with him, a lot of old people live in the building and might not hear it, so as we go to the fire doors he opens it and black smoke poured out of the one door and I screamed not go in there so now we know it’s bad, like really bad, like I’ve seen movies and shows and those cant express the very real fear I’ve felt then. So I run back to my mom in the apartment and she said grab the papers and some clothes, my sister shows up again (turns out she went out and then ran BACK INTO THE BUILDING TO GET US!!) and she’s grabbing we’re rushing by the time we open the door, not even 3 minutes have past, it looks like night, darker than night, I can’t see our emergency exit sign. So when I saw that all I could think is we might die, like this could be it. Me and my sister wanted to go off the balcony but my mom is 61 and we’re on the second floor, so she gets me a wet hand towel and tells me to crawl so went through all that smoke to the side stairwell that isn’t in the direction of the fire. We get out but I can’t breathe I’m coughing so hard I’m gonna puke in front of all these people so I’m spitting and I can’t breathe and I’m crying. And my sister is crying, and I can see the fire and I can’t look away. Like this is real, like more real than I can ever imagine. They had two ambulances there and my dad took me to one, and eventually I went to the hospital by myself, finally my mom and sister could come see me I spent three hours there, and went through three oxygen tanks I honestly should’ve done a fourth one but I wanted to leave and the doctor was no where to be seen and the nurse I had was kinda an idiot, like that sounds rude but my mask fell on the floor then he was going to give me the same one then he dropped my new mask on the floor and almost gave it to me but sister wouldn’t let him, so I can say he was an idiot. I still haven’t processed anything from that day. I can’t follow along with time. It passes but I’m not here and I’m not there at the fire, it’s kinda like floating. I’m conscious but don’t know how many days have past and I don’t know what day or time it is, I’m so confused I couldn’t remember when we had the fire, my mom had to tell me it was a week before then when I thought it was. We stayed in a hotel from the Friday it happened and then the Sunday after 6 o’clock ish they said it was okay to come back in, but when I went there to see it I couldn’t even be in there the smoke and chemicals were everywhere in everything, they said that it was cleaned it wasn’t there was soot on our furniture and appliances, I went there a few time the first week, my mom needed to call the insurance company, (she doesn’t own a cell phone, she’s 61 and will never own one) and I couldn’t even be inside I would sit on our balcony. Now I’m at another hotel with my mom while my sister and dad stay at our apartment, they have ocd and don’t want to be anywhere else.

It’s now been two weeks and next Friday will be three, I can’t stay at our apartment cause I’ve been getting nose bleed, headaches, I can’t breathe. I can’t even walk around like normal anywhere without wheezing. Now we’re gonna have to move, but the prices are insane, and it would have to be a three bedroom not two like we have, I’m almost 20 and I share with my 18 year old sister we’ve never had our own room. And I’ve packed away almost all my stuff away in storage so cleaners can come, and I don’t have my paints, so I can’t even de-stress that way. Not to mention I’ve been having problems with my oldest friend, and I don’t really know how deal with this situation on top of it all, and yes it’s all the small and big things adding up, and I know it’ll mean nothing one day, but for now I’m allowed to feel these things and I’m allowed to be upset. I know people won’t read this in fact I don’t even know if I’ll post it, but I just need to release a little bit.

Also with Covid-19 being so much worse then it was 2 weeks ago I can’t do much except go from my hotel to the apartment, which isn’t good for me. Did I mention I have compromised health? Lol yeah I think I forgot to mention I have asthma, so when I got to the stores or go out to get food I’m risking a lot, especially with old parents like my dad is almost 69 and my mom also 61 and has compromised health, and no body is taking this shit seriously. I’m scared for me and my family and others. But when I go out nobody respects my space or any other persons space, like do you not get it? Life is real dangerous right now and you don’t care? Maybe it’s cause I’m angry and have been through trauma and stress, and I am young and look healthy but IM NOT! I’m young but I’m not healthy! I have asthma! Which yeah other people have it worse but I have no where to go I can’t stay and isolate in my apartment and I can’t really stay in my hotel if that happens. Not to mention if the hotel shuts down. I’m scared like really when I think about it I feel kinda sick from stress. Why can’t people try to understand the situation? It’s scary and dangerous and you don’t know peoples situation. I’m so done and tired, please everybody be respectful and keep you’re distance. Stay safe and stay home people. Don’t risk it, it’s not worth yours or anybody else’s life. Be strong we got this. Peace and love to you all ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[cleareyedandbrave]

COVID-19

I’m not convinced there are enough words in the English language to explain how angry I am. Angry about how the government is handling this outbreak. Angry about US health insurance and care. Angry at middle-aged women who buy out entire grocery stores in their neighborhoods. Angry that NO ONE IS ABLE TO GET TESTED FOR COVID-19. Yep. You heard it here first, folks - no one will test you for corona virus, even if you present with all the symptoms. Isn’t that fun?

I should probably start at the beginning of my story. From February 16-18, I travelled by plane to Missouri (which was awesome, btw). About 2 weeks after I returned home, I started having a scratchy throat and a pretty hefty cough. This was around the time COVID-19 was starting to pick up in the US and I was feeling pretty anxious about my newly found symptoms. Instead of googling and self diagnosing, I called a local urgent care to ask what the odds are that I’d contracted COVID-19 and what I should do to keep my loved ones safe. The Urgent Care said that I had reason to be nervous, and recommended that I call the Ontario County Department of Health right away, as they were not equipped to test for COVID-19. I spoke with the nurse from DOH, who said that because I had not travelled to Italy, China, etc. and because I didn’t have a fever, I would not qualify to be tested and I probably just had the flu. I said okay, and went about my business. 

About 3 days later, my symptoms worsened and I had developed a pretty high fever and a cough that rattled my entire body (and because I’m in a sharing mood, often left me wetting my pants after each cough). I became more concerned and decided to go to urgent care to get everything settled. The provider at urgent care diagnosed me with bronchitis after the flu test and the strep test each came back negative. The provider prescribed some antibiotics and cough medicine, and sent me on my way. My wonderful husband picked them up from Wegman’s and we went home, where I stayed for several days. Symptoms continued to escalate...my fever would not settle, cough was worse and I was very achey. I scheduled a tele-med appointment for a second opinion, and the provider on my phone camera believed I had pneumonia. I should remind you that COVID-19 is often confused for pneumonia. My parents began to worry and made a few calls for me, insisting that it was important I be tested for the corona virus. I mean, I had just attended a conference with people from all over the country and flew on a plane 4 separate times. After speaking with 3 different providers, it was determined that despite my very serious symptoms, I was not able to be tested for COVID-19. Each provider stated that if my symptoms worsened, I should go to the ER. Finally, I spoke with the nurse from DOH again, who suggested I go back to urgent care to determine whether or not I actually had pneumonia. She said that if they believed I didn’t have pneumonia, she would consider testing me for COVID-19. I headed back to urgent care asking for a chest x-ray and another flu test. After the flu test came back negative (again) and after reviewing the X-ray, they determined I did indeed have pneumonia and that I should just continue to take antibiotics and stay home to rest. Fine. I was on the mend and things seemed to be settling. If I did indeed have COVID-19, I knew I had done everything I could to be safe and proactive by staying home and calling ahead of time. This one was not on my shoulders. 

This week, I feel much better, but my sweet husband, Jamil, has begun showing symptoms. His symptoms started with severe body aches and a small cough. I thought it may be best to stay on top of it and suggested he go to urgent care to see if they’d prescribe him antibiotics so he can move through the symptoms quickly. Jamil’s insurance has a $3000 deductible, so when he went to urgent care that day, he paid $120 for a nurse to tell him that his symptoms were not severe enough and they would not prescribe any medication. They told him to come back if his symptoms progressed. After a few days, Jamil’s cough became worse and his aching became almost intolerable and he began having a fever. We decided to make another appointment at our local doctors office to see if they would refer him to be tested for COVID-19. He showed up, was tested for the flu (which came back negative) and was told to go home. The provider mentioned again that if things got worse, he should go to the ER. I called the ER to see if they were providing testing for COVID-19...which, surprise, they were not. They recommended that we call the COVID-19 hotline for more information...super helpful.

Today, after Jamil’s fever spiked to 102.2, I called back the doctors office asking if there was anyway they would prescribe him an antibiotic for pneumonia, as that’s what I had last week and was treated for. The nurse said there was nothing more they could do and that they couldn’t prescribe something without him coming back in. I was not satisfied with this answer and decided to call back urgent care, where we had both previously been treated. The woman there said that Jamil needed to call the COVID-19 hotline before coming in, as it sounded like he had the virus. I explained that NOT ONE SINGLE provider in this area would test Jamil for COVID-19 and that I wanted him to come in, have an X-ray done to see if he had pneumonia and have something (read: anything) prescribed to try to help him manage his symptoms. After some push back, she agreed. We showed up at urgent care, where we were told to call the hotline again. I humored them...maybe something had changed in the last 4 days? 

NOPE

After waiting on the line for 20 minutes, the provider from the hotline said it sounded like Jamil had a “mild case” of COVID-19, but he did not qualify to be tested, as he was not immunocompromised and did not travel outside the country in the past month. The hotline said we should go home and if things got worse, call the ER. I relayed this information to the woman at urgent care and demanded he be seen. Jamil was given an X-ray and it was determined that he has pneumonia,  but the provider was very concerned and wrote a referral for Jam to be tested for COVID-19 at a local testing area. The nearest testing center is in Rochester (about an hour away). They said we should leave immediately. I asked if the referral meant he would be guaranteed a test, and they said it should, so we drove. 

Upon arrival, we drove up to a white tent and spoke with a doctor. He gave us the green light to head to the second tent where they’d determine whether or not Jamil would be tested. Upon driving up to the second tent, we were quickly met by a woman who said that Jam’s symptoms were not extreme enough, so she would not test him, and that we should self quarantine for 14 days. Without a test taken, we drove away. I sobbed. I called my parents who were in disbelief. 

THIS is what is happening in NYS right now. I know that there is a shortage of tests in the Rochester area, but they are literally turning people away who are showing symptoms without a second thought. Before Jamil and I showed symptoms, we were out and about and working. I understand that Joe Shmoe who recently had a lung transplant has priority to testing, as he is immunocompromised, but Jesus Christ, how many people in my life are immunocompromised who now don’t get to know whether or not they’ve definitely been exposed to someone with COVID-19?? How many people have Jamil and I been in contact with over the last 3 weeks that will surely be impacted - and how sad that we can’t confirm we’ve actually had the virus and that they need to be quarantined?! This is why I am ANGRY.

I am overwhelmed with anger that I can’t tell my dad, who has Multiple Sclerosis, whether or not he has been exposed to COVID-19. I am irate that Jamil had to tell his work that he probably has a mild case (whatever the fuck that means) of COVID-19, and that he’ll need to take 14 days off from work/will need to work from home without any paperwork or documentation. I am ENRAGED that a bill was passed to ensure that all workers affected by COVID-19 are provided 2 weeks paid sick leave, but I am 98% sure that if they haven’t been tested, they likely won’t be entitled to that paid time off. I am FURIOUS that Trump has told all of America that if they feel sick, they can get tested anytime/anywhere, when that is CLEARLY NOT THE CASE. I am FUMING that the US is short on tests because the government wants to make it look like our confirmed cases number is low, while people are struggling and sick and feeling foolish for thinking they may have COVID-19, but can’t get a solid answer. I am heartbroken that low income families/people from impoverished areas will not be taken seriously when they go to their doctor with illness and symptoms and will not be given an answer that’s helpful or affirming. I am SEETHING that healthcare providers/workers are being put in a situation where they have to choose who is more important for testing, when there are countries administering hundreds of tests daily to keep citizens safe. I am PISSED OFF that there are still people going out and about when there is a LITERAL PANDEMIC happening. 

For fuck’s sake, just stay in your house. And call your representatives to let them know that WE ARE NOT BEING TESTED and that people’s lives are at risk. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Just had to get that off my chest.