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a-spoopy-bird · 6 years ago

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Glowing Eyes

Sorry ubt immean take this langst as tribute for my absence!

We all are stranger creatures than when we all started out as kids. Culture forbid.

The paladins were going to stay on Earth for a while, learning about this new Altean. This gave time for them to chill. Sure, they’d train, and they would strengthen diplomatic connections, but it seems like the Galran threat was gone.

They mourned the lost, and honor ceremonies were given to them, awards and medals for their bravery. Lance let his little relatives put on the badges, laughing as they went around, pretending to use a blaster. He remembered being that young, only five or six, and he would also play games like that, his dad looking on and laughing. His grin widened. These guys were the best.

“Lance, what’s this?” Joseph asked, picking up Lance’s bayard. He hadn’t explained it yet, because, after all, there had been a lot going on with ceremonies and recovering.

“This, is my bayard.” Lance said with a flair of drama. “It’s my weapon. It’s different for everybody.”

“Cool! How does it work?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. Something about Altean alchemy. You’d have to ask Coran. It might take a few minutes to get an answer though.” Lance grinned.

“What does it do?” He asked, looking at it.

“It’s different for everyone. Some people, like me,” He grinned, “have several bayard forms. It doesn’t matter which bayard you use, it’ll take the same shape.”

“How do you know?”

“I originally piloted the Blue Lion. She’s pretty great, but Keith left Red to Black, so I got a promotion. Allura took Blue, so I passed on the bayard.” He explained.

“What are your bayards?” Marco asked.

Lance grinned. “I have a blaster, sniper rifle, and I got a sword.”

The was a chorus of woahs and wows. “Show us!”

“Maybe later. I don’t think the nurses would like it very much if I just started activating my bayard.”

They pouted, but then moved on. “Tell us space stories!”

Lance smiled. It was good to be home, however different it was.

We have romantic fantasies about what dying truly is. Fall off the grid.

“You died?” Veronica gasped. Lance was in the middle of telling her a story.

“Yeah, it’s nothing compared to what Shiro went through. He died, was cloned, then his soul was forced into his clone.” Lance said hotly.

“Now you’re just lying.”

“I am not! Anyway, Allura saved me with her crazy Altean magic.”

“A lot seems to happen with you and Allura.” Veronica said. Lance felt the nudge to open up.

“You’re getting sloppy, I felt that one a mile away.” He snorted.

Veronica shrugged. “Worth a shot. Are you two dating or…?”

Lance blushed instantly. “Wh- what, no, we’re just friends. Besides, she just got over Lotor.”

“Space prince?”

Lance’s shoulders tensed ever so slightly. “Yeah. He had us all. He was bad, being Zarkon’s son, then he was on our side, then he went insane from quintessence, like Haggar and Zarkon did. It was hard on Allura. She was in love with him, the version he told us.” Lance’s shoulders fell. “Honestly, I didn’t trust him, but I thought it was just my jealousy. He got so close to Allura so quickly, and I had been with her for several months and made less progress. But, my gut was right. He lied to us all, and that put the universe in jeopardy.” He shrugged. “We left him in the quintessence field.”

“That must’ve been rough.”

Lance laughed. “Understatement of the year.”

Veronica studied Lance, noticing how he didn’t laugh as long, he didn’t make as many jokes. He looked like the same Lance, but the Galra had hardened him into someone almost completely different.

We live for the night’s décor, it reveals what we dream of.

Lance missed looking up at a night sky. After so many nights and days of being in one, it looked so much better being on the ground. The stars, familiar constellations blinked down at him, a comfort from his childhood.

“Lance? Are you down there?” Keith’s voice floated over the little ledge that was washed out by the sea.

Slightly confused, Lance called back, “Yeah, there’s a slight lip.” He watched as Keith got down and sat beside him. “What’s up?”

“I needed to get away from the Garrison and Griffin. He’s such an asshole.”

Lance smirked. “Didn’t you guys fight all the time?”

“Still do.” Keith grunted, looking at the moonlight that bounced off the waves.

Lance looked up at the stars. “I wonder how many of these are planets we visited.” He wondered aloud.

Keith looked at Lance, then the sky. “I don’t know.”

Lance fell silent. He stared at the stars, expression content and a bit sad too. He thought of the countless battles, and of how often he wanted to come home, just too look at his stars again. Slowly, he relaxed, leaning into the embankment, letting out a soft sigh. This was his reward for making it through the war.

He didn’t notice Keith looking at him, wondering why Lance wasn’t trying to pick a fight.

I know there’s someone at the door. They come for help of this I’m sure.

“You wanna talk about it?” Lance heard Keith ask. He had fallen asleep at the embankment and had just jolted awake. He knew instinctively he was pale and clammy. It happened every time he had a nightmare.

The image of Galran sentries bearing down on him flashed through his mind. He suppressed a shudder. “No, it’s fine. I should get home. Don’t want them to think I disappeared again,” Lance joked, grin obviously forced.

Keith watched as Lance got up and left him alone under the stars on Veradero beach.

But do I want to say goodbye to all the glowing eyes?

Lance walked to his hiding spot. He wasn’t even sure if it was there anymore, but it remained intact. Just a tree with a platform in its branches. It was about fifteen feet up, but he had made a small ladder up.

Curling around his knees, he let out a quiet, dry sob. Was he ever going to be free from the Galra? He let the tension slowly leave his body. It’d be fine, he was finally home. He could chill sometimes, not fearing an attack any second.

I’m holding onto what I know, and what I know I must let go.

Having Keith back after a month of him being gone was weird. Lance didn’t really know what to do. Half of him wanted to fight with him, but the other half wanted to drop it. This resulted in some very mixed signals.

“Your hair needs cut,” Mrs. Holt said one day as they chilled in the Garrison lounge.

“I’ve been saying that for months.” Lance snorted.

Keith fingered his hair. “I don’t know, I kinda like it long.”

It doesn’t look half bad. Lance thought, but he didn’t know how to say that. “It’s more of a mullet this way. It’s better.”

Keith glared.

“But it’s so long, just a trim,” Mrs. Holt continued. “It’d be so much easier to manage.”

“Thanks for the offer, Mrs. Holt, but I think I’ll keep it for now.” Keith said politely but continued to glare at Lance.

But I would rather sing a song, for the eyes to sing along.

Lance was getting used to waking up in his own sweat, visions of towering sentries and cruisers and fighters burnt onto his eyelids. He would silently sneak out of his house, or the Garrison, or where ever he had fell asleep at, and go to his hideout, his guitar in a waterproof case. He’d pull it out and sing softly, relaxing into the music.

For now, he would be safe.

We all know somebody who knows somebody’s who’s doing great.

Lance sat politely as Hunk and Pidge talked about how good it was to be on Earth again, even if they didn’t have as advanced of technology. They compared notes as he sat in the background, half listening. They didn’t seem to be haunted by the war.

We all know people who know people who are flying straight.

“Paladins, we have to continue training with out lions.” Allura said. “We can’t let our bonds grow stale.”

Lance climbed into Red, feeling his impatient and violent nature, but also feeling his protectiveness and fierce love for the other paladins. Especially his paladin, Lance.

Lance missed Blue, for sure, but Red was also great. Red wasn’t as chill as Blue. Red wanted Lance to be the best he could be, and so did Blue, but Blue was more maternal about it. Red let Lance make mistakes. When it got out of hand he stepped in. Or fell onto.

They did drills for hours. Red responded well, even occasionally giving Lance tips about his flying form. Red was speedy, so Lance had to take it down a notch. But Red was also temperamental, so when the team got slightly heated at him, Red bristled. Lance soothed him. It was fine. He was fine.

He felt Red questioning how firm his belief was. He knew Red knew he was lying. Red had a direct link with his mind, of course he knew. He knew about the nightmares and the panic attacks and the absolutely, mind numbing, body freezing fear that took him over.

But I’ll kindly enter into rooms of depression, while ceiling fans and idle hands will take my life again.

By this time, Lance knew he should confide in someone besides his giant mechanical cat. It wasn’t getting better on its own, as Lance had hoped. He thought about Hunk or Pidge or Shiro, but none of them seemed right. He wanted to go to his family, but he’s been gone for so long and he didn’t know if they’d be awake right now. It was… three in the morning.

He huffed. This isn’t what he had planned for when they finally came home. Then again, he hadn’t planned on being in some sort of stasis for three years. He sighed, just staring at the ceiling. Shark stickers that glow in the dark dotted his ceiling. He remembered naming them when he got them, but by now he forgot the names. All he knew is that one was Hunk, for his best friend.

He heard a soft knock on his door. Who the hell was awake? He considered grabbing his bayard and snatched it from his dresser. He slowly opened the door, bayard up, but not activated.

“Jesus, Lance, I’m not here to kill you.” Veronica whispered, entering his room. “Why are you up?”

“I could ask the same thing,” he whispered back, putting down the weapon.

“I asked you first.” She said, falling into the familiar pattern of their talks.

“What is this, middle school?” Lance scoffed quietly. “I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Bullshit.” She answered. Lance looked up, ready to defend his claim. “You didn’t sleep at all last night either. When I came in to check, you weren’t even here.” She accused. It was true. He had snuck out to his hideout again.

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” He muttered, looking down. “You should get some rest.”

“I’m not going to bed until you tell me what’s up.”

Lance sat there tired and exasperated. Veronica knew he valued his family’s needs over his own personal ones. He also knew she had his best interest at heart. But he really, really didn’t want to talk about it.

“You know, you don’t have to be Red Paladin, you can just be Lance.” She said, her voice concerned and honest.

He felt his shoulders slump. Those words crashed down on him. He suspected Veronica saw through him, and maybe Keith. “Fine. It just seems silly to me. It just a few bad dreams.”

“Every night?”

“Most nights. So, I leave with my guitar and just softly play. It’s not really a big deal.”

Veronica wasn’t really convinced. “Okay. Try to get some sleep, okay?” Lance nodded, and she left.

Lance bit his lip. He wanted to tell Veronica everything, like they were kids again. Instead, he found himself texting Keith to meet him at the embankment. He snuck out his window, knowing Veronica wasn’t asleep yet, and crept off.

The tide was in, and the water was a few feet below Lance’s feet. He figured it would be a few hours until Keith showed up. After all, it was four in the morning.

We live for the night’s décor, it reveals what we dream of.

“Lance?” Keith called. Lance blinked and sat up. Keith jumped off the embankment and sat down. “It’s four in the morning, why are you up?” Lance felt Keith studying his reaction.

Lance chose his words very carefully. “I just- uh, I haven’t been sleeping well, and you’re the team leader, plus, Pidge and Hunk are busy with Garrison tech things, so I-” He broke off, knowing he had started to ramble.

“Nightmares?” Keith asked quietly.

Lance bit his lip and nodded. “How’d you know?”

“I had the same problem. When the Blade showed up and showed their symbol, I realized I might be part Galra, and I was terrified. I had nightmares about it. It made me moodier and more irritable.” Keith said.

Lance hung his head. “I don’t really hate your mullet.” He muttered.

Keith raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“I don’t actually hate your mullet.” He said a little louder, head almost between his knees. He felt his face heat up. “I hated how you were better. I was kind of jealous. Griffin was your rival, not me.”

“I was always confused about why you’d make fun of my hair and purposely press my buttons.”

Lance looked up at the now waning moon. It was funny how the night air and sky seemed to strip you away until you were left naked, nothing left but your true self. “Yeah I was just extremely jealous. You could fly great, you never had to study, you picked fights when I probably would have cried.”

Keith looked at Lance, obviously confused as to why Lance was opening up to him. “I didn’t like getting into fights. People just said the wrong stuff.” He paused. “Those people were assholes.” Keith didn’t like how sad it was getting. Lance was the happy-go-lucky guy on the team, being sad didn’t look right on him.

Lance laughed half-heartedly, then looked at Keith. “I want to show you something.” He decided, getting up. He went down the beach until he found his gnarled tree.

I know there’s someone at the door they come for help of this I’m sure.

But do I want to say goodbye to all the glowing eyes?

Lance heaved up onto the platform, waiting for Keith.

“What is this?”

“This,” Lance said with a flair of pride and drama, “is my Quiet Place. When I come here, I just chill. It’s not exactly a panic room, but it’s close.”

“Why are you showing me this?” Keith asked, looking at the carvings on the trunks and the floor.

“Well, you’re our leader, and there’s really no one else right now…” Lance bit his tongue. He wasn’t thinking when he brought Keith here.

I’m holding onto what I know and what I know I must let go.

But I would rather sing a song for the eyes to sing along.

“Lance?” Keith asked softly. “Do you- do you want to talk about it?”

Lance shrugged, rubbing his arm. He sat down, motioning for Keith to do the same. It was kind of cramped, but Lance got out his guitar. “So, when I come up here, I just sort of play until lyrics come to me.” He tuned it. “And since we’ve been home, I’ve written all of these.” Lance brought out a stack of sheet music. “This is seven songs, and it takes a few days, generally, to write one. They aren’t very good.” He added, watching Keith as he read them.

Lance started to play one of his favorites.

This room is far too dark for us to stay around.

Redemption’s not that far and darkness is going down.

Keith listened to the minor key cords and the lyrics that seemed to come effortlessly. The more he listened, the better he understood what Lance was going through. Almost impeccably, it molds into a different song. It was slightly more depressing, Lance strumming harder and more passionately. Keith listened, Lance’s singing just as soft as before, barely escalating over the guitar.

This room is far too dark for us to stay around.

Redemption’s not that far and darkness is going down.

Keith wanted to interrupt but wanted to hear the rest of the song. Lance didn’t seem to remember Keith was there as he kept playing, getting louder and more passionate, until he stopped, with a slow, sad strum.

Lance didn’t look up.

“Lance, do you- you want to talk?” He asked softly.

Lance shook his head no. He slowly put the guitar away then hugged himself, refusing to look up. He took a shuddering breath. “I- I don’t understand,” He started, voice congested and full of sorrow. “I don’t understand why after- after everything we’ve done, I breakdown when we’re safe.”

“Lance-”

“And it’s not like I’m scared!” Lance said, voice stronger, fueled by anger at his own weakness. “I don’t understand it! I don’t feel scared, I know I’m safe, but there’s still this lingering paranoia and I’m just so, tired, of being afraid.” He ended it with a contained sob.

“After how long in space, it’s okay to feel like this.” Keith said without knowing what he was saying. “How many times were we woken up by the alarms blaring, or a rattling explosion when Coran forgot the proximity alarms? We’ve been through so much. You more. I spent two years on the back of a space whale bonding with my mom.” Keith knew Lance knew the stab at humor was weak. Lance hardly laughed. He just sort of jerked, a weak chuckle that sounded more like a sigh. “You aren’t going to be alright right away. Just give it time.”

“But- what if we don’t have time?” Lance chocked out. “There could be an attack from any of the Galra who are fighting for power.”

“If you keep focusing on the bad, you lose sight of the good.”

Lance’s head bobbed, but his lips quivered, holding back tears.

I’m holding onto what I know and what I know I must let go.

But I would rather sing a song for the eyes to sing along.

They sat in silence. Lance wished Keith would say something to get rid of the despair still welling up inside of him, but he knew that wouldn’t happen. He had to take action. But he was scared. What would happen? Would he start to sob? Get thrown into another panic attack? Even at the thought he felt his chest constricting. He didn’t want to vanish inside a panicked shell in front of Keith.

In front of anyone.

La di da da, la di da di da,

La di da da, la di da da, la di da da, la di da.

Time passes. It’s natural. But other things don’t. Lance didn’t recover. He just got better at hiding it. He got worse. Nothing was alright anymore. He just wanted to leave and never come back, or to be in Blue’s cockpit one last time. He missed her but respected her decision to block him out. She was, after all, a wise Lion of Voltron, and he was just a silly human trying to keep it together.

For the eyes to sing along.

“Lance!” They were calling out his name. He had vanished from the Garrison overnight, leaving a note.

Make them stop.

Lance quivered and shook in his tree house, too tired and panicked to play. He bit his lip so hard it bled. His hands were gripped in his hair, tugging at his scalp. They were too loud, they called so, so loud, he couldn’t ignore the truths.

Make them stop.

“Lance!” Hunk was near tears. Pidge was on his shoulders, hoping to see any sign of him. Keith had gone off on his own. Hunk had lost track of where Allura, Coran, and Veronica had gone. When had this happened? Hours ago? Hunk was going to breakdown.

Pidge realized that. She hopped down from his back. “Hunk look at me.” She said. He didn’t. “Hunk.” She said again, quieter. “We’re going to find him, okay?”

Hunk nodded. Still too close to tears for Pidge to feel safe on his shoulders.

Keith had stalked off on his own. He had a suspicion of where Lance was but didn’t want to tell the others. That was Lance’s call.

Still. Sneaking out at night, while he did it regularly, wasn’t good. He had left a note, which really wasn’t good. The shaky writing and the panicked message was hard to read, but they went out anyways.

Lance quivered. They had passed right in front of his tree. He felt like he was being chocked. He couldn’t breathe. He was sliding out of control. He couldn’t control his body, oh God, he was drowning. His hands were fists, but he couldn’t feel his fingers. He strangled out a gasp, desperate for air.

Make them stop.

Keith stood a bit away from the tree. He could hear Lance strangled breathing. He swallowed. He went forward cautiously.

“Lance?” Lance heard his name from far, far away. He couldn’t look up, he could feel his hand or feet, he was going to throw up, God, this isn’t good God, please-

Suddenly there was a hand on his back. He flinched. He felt someone wipe the tears off his face. The touch was so unexpected, Lance tried to scoot back, his brain yelling to stop but his body continuing.

His hand slid off the edge of the platform. He strangled a gasp, new, fresh fear washing through him. Arms were around him, keeping him on the platform. He struggled to leave. The arms held fast.

The arms of the enemy. He thought, lungs being crushed. He wasn’t getting enough air. He was going to die. He was going to vomit. He was going to die here in the arms of what he’s been running from with its smells of man shampoo and leather in his nose.

Men’s shampoo and leather? Lance took a shuddering sniff. And sweat? Who smelt like th-

Keith.

Lance froze. He couldn’t breathe for a different reason now.

Make them stop.

Keith locked his arms around Lance. If he wasn’t careful, Lance would end up taking both of them out of the tree. He made small shushing noises, no knowing what to do, or what was wrong. Lance kept pushing away, trying to escape, struggling for breath. He pulled him as close as possible, forming a cage with his arms.

Lance froze. Keith hesitantly released some of the tension in his arms. “Lance?”

Lance said something against his chest that Keith couldn’t hear. “What?”

“I’m sorry.” His voice was thick. Keith saw how pale he was. This wasn’t the Lance that he went up to space with. This was a scared teenager needing comfort.

“Why are you sorry?” Keith asked, shifted so that Lance could be in less danger of falling off.

“Because I’m weak, and pathetic, and I’m just-”

“You’re just brave, and funny, and a good friend.” Keith cut in.

“How can you say that? You hardly hang around me.” His voice was thick and muffled by his shirt, but Keith clearly heard the pain in it.

“Just because I don’t hang out with you doesn’t mean that stuff isn’t true.” Keith said, confused about where all this was coming from. “Just look at you and Hunk. You guys are always there for each other.”

“Yeah, but he has Pidge now. They have technical junk to work on.” Lance sniffed. “I’d just be a third wheel.”

“Lance, they enjoy your company. Both of them are out trying to find you.”

“Oh, man, I just made them worry more, we should go.” Lance pulled back, wiping tears off his face.

“Slow down, don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine.” Keith said. He didn’t want Lance to get worked up. Keith could tell he was tired from the panic attack, and no doubt running from the Garrison base to the tree.

“Keith, just- please. I don’t want to talk about it.” Lance looked away. He could barely think straight. His gay panic and an actual panic attack hadn’t been good on his energy, which was already low form countless nights not sleeping. He just wanted to sleep until he didn’t like Keith.

Lance could feel Keith trying to sort out what to do. He almost heard the click of the last piece, the decision, falling into place.

“When I was with Krolia on the space whale, we had a big blow up.” Keith started. “We were getting a little stir crazy, and there was a really small thing that had escalated far too quickly. We both said some hurtful things. It ended with me yelling that I wished I hadn’t found her and storming off with Kosmo.” Lance looked at Keith. He was looking into his lap. “I could tell Kosmo didn’t like it. I didn’t even like it. But I was too stubborn to walk back to my mom and tell her I was sorry. I didn’t see the moment was right for me to apologize and did it far too late.” Keith looked up. The starts of tears were in his eyes. “I feel like you might be the same way. You apologize way too often, for stuff that isn’t even your fault.”

Lance shook his head. “Keith, I’m just- so, tired, please,” He looked up. It felt like his bones weighed too much for him to support. “I just want to sleep.”

Keith paused forever. Lance was terrified he was going to refuse. Then he nodded. “Where?”

The question caught him off guard. “What?”

“Where do you want to sleep? Here, the Garrison, your house?”

Lance was caught off guard by how considerate Keith was being. “I don’t want to move.” Lance said. “Is it okay if I just, sorta…” He trailed off, too tired to form the sentence. He leaned forward and practically collapsed onto Keith.

Keith rubbed Lance’s back, not knowing what to do. Lance sighed, relaxing until he was in the familiar space between awake and asleep. He was half aware of Keith humming, then singing.

“Make them stop.”

#long langst #langst #lance mcclain #hunk garret #pidge gunderson #post s7 #keith kogane #klance #takashi shirogane #veronica mcclain #voltron #vld #voltron legendary defender

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