#my thoughts and sympathies to those victims who went through things like this

[hoperays-song]

Character Deep Dive: Klaus, Ryan and the Dance Troupe

Finally, it is done! I hope y’all enjoy this deep dive!! Just please read the trigger warnings first. Seriously, read the trigger warnings first. Cannot stress that enough. Also shout out to my beta readers, y’all are amazing!!!

- <3 Gooseless

Character Deep Dive: Klaus, Ryan and the Dance Troupe

*TW: This deep dive will mention abuse, grooming, misuse of power, and manipulation. All the events and actions mentioned are based on real world events told to me by friends in the dance industry and my personal experience and research into the industry as well. However, this is just a theory based on my analysis and the analysis done by others. No hate to the people who actually like this character. Again, just a theory. Also, there were two attempted murders on screen as well as implying other murders had taken place in the second movie, so I feel like this theory (while very dark) isn’t the darkest the series could go and is therefore not that out of place. DO NOT READ IF SENSITIVE TO ANYTHING PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED. Also, no, this is not Klaus friendly. What about anything I’ve ever posted would make you think it is? That man gave me multiple panic attacks and made me go back to therapy for a bit because it reminded me of stuff, so nope, not going to be friendly. *

 As someone who was in dance my entire childhood and was raised by someone who was a dancer for 14 years, I always enjoy watching the representation of the dance world in media. I’m constantly looking for small details that allude to the real-world dance culture and I was ecstatic to note that in Sing 2 we got to see some of those cultural aspects as well as a wide range of diversity within the dance class itself. However, less than forty seconds in, I noticed what would become my main issue with the movie itself, the character Klaus. 

Klaus’s actions were shown to be antagonistic and cruel, yes, but the fact that they were brushed off at the end of the movie to allow him to continue to work with a student he was shown on screen to physically, verbally, and emotionally abuse for the simple reason of “he now knows what he’s capable of and won’t underestimate him again after that performance”. The thing with Klaus is that the major issue wasn’t his underestimating of Johnny’s abilities, it was the very blatant abuse and belittlement that was a constant part of his class. It was bad enough to cause Johnny to have at least one panic attack, and that’s Johnny. A kid who was raised in an extremely high stress situation and is used to being dragged through Buster’s bad and typically very dangerous ideas. Within the course of the first movie, we saw him chased by cops, trapped in a flooding building, and face down a group of potentially dangerous gang members. And while he seemed more than slightly worried and a good bit scared in some of those scenes, it was never enough to cause him to have a panic attack (at least not onscreen).

Yet, when you put him in Klaus’s class for two weeks and he ends up having panic attacks and is clearly extremely burnt out to the point other characters start to notice. You have to ask, what is going on there? Well, after analyzing (probably way too much) everything about Klaus and the dancers I could and doing a ton of research, this is the conclusion I’ve drawn.

 Analysis and Allegations

The actions we see from the character Klaus are far from just concerning. Not only do we see Klaus verbally berate and belittle his students, but we also see him physically hit them. No matter what modern media tells you, these are not normal in the dance world. That’s just blatant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse> It should not be tolerated or seen as normal under any circumstances. And, what’s worse is Johnny’s almost definitely not the youngest in that room. One of them, yes, but most likely not the absolute youngest. Most professional dancers report their first official contract at the age of 18. However, troupes are known to have members as young as 15 years old. And since Klaus was hired as choreographer and was able to produce a troupe on such short notice (literally canonically overnight), those are probably all his current students, meaning those kids could be as young as 12 (the age when most professional dancers report starting to circle the professional sphere, however dance classes can start as young as 2 years old). That is further backed up by the fact that every student stayed.

Now I understand that that statement itself might seem weird, however, contrary to popular opinion, dancers are some of the most terrifying people I have ever had the genuine pleasure of meeting. It’s a cut-throat industry and dancers are a lot of times forced to learn to stand up for themselves against abusive choreographers and directors that don’t actually value them. Most dancers I know would have just walked out the moment they saw how Klaus was treating the others, let alone if he started treating them that way. It’s very much an industry based on self-worth to survive. So, the fact that everyone in that class stayed told me that not only were they used to Klaus’s abuse, but they were also more than likely conditioned to take it. 

Like I said, most dancers tend to be extremely good at sticking up for themselves. Sadly however, as in the majority of athletics industries, grooming is a huge problem in dance. As I previously mentioned, dance classes can start as young as 2 years old with most professional dancers reporting to have started seriously training at the 4–6-year-old range. That means that young children, I can’t emphasize that enough that these are children, are being exposed to Klaus’s abuse on a daily basis (Choreographers typically are also teachers at a dance school and since anyone with common sense would fire him to avoid a lawsuit, I would believe that Klaus owns the school). And as anyone who has interacted with a child before can attest, they are incredibly trusting. So, if they were told by an authority figure that they’ve been told they can trust, like say a teacher, that something is normal and not a big deal and they’re lucky enough to have a nice teacher as others are worse, they’re going to believe it.

Even if as they get older and realize that they were lied to and are in fact being mistreated, a lot of times they feel trapped or have no support systems outside of the people involved in the bad situation. Especially if you have been going to a specialized school where everyone around you has been going through the same thing and your contact with people outside it is extremely limited. This can be made worse by the power held by higher ups in the dance industry (choreographers, casting directors, etc.). Those higher ups completely control the lifeline of everything in the industry. One bad word from one can seriously be a career ender. Not only that, but those people tend to be more successful, more in the public eye, and therefore can sway public opinion against whoever might have spoken up with ease as well as making court cases where poor dancers are going up against vastly successful higher ups a literal nightmare for the dancers. A lot of times they cannot afford a good attorney and will end up losing the case or being hushed by settlements that they desperately need due to a lack of work.  

         Therefore, I believe that even if Klaus’s abuse of his students has been brought to light before, it more than likely was swept under the rug. And I believe his abuse of Johnny was evidence proving that theory. Why? Well, Johnny is different than every other student in that room. Not just because he’s never danced before, but because he is not a permeant member of Klaus’s Troupe. He’s only there for the run of the show. And if you are struggling to see why that might be important, let me explain. Johnny has no stake in Klaus’s success. He will not be affected if Klaus’s name is dragged through the mud. He will not be out of a job if Klaus is fired. What Johnny is, as Klaus and every member of that Troupe must know, is a close, personal friend of the director and absolutely can affect their employment status if he wants. He can have them fired and replaced with a different group the next day if he really wanted to beg Buster for a new teacher. Klaus knew this and still chose to target and abuse Johnny. He knew how risky that was and he still did it. That shows to me that he’s gotten away with that kind of thing before. He’s more than likely done this to several other rookies and not faced consequences. And if he’s willing to do it to them, people with no reliance on his success, he definitely is willing to do it to his students, who are relying on him for essentially everything. If Klaus’s reputation is ruined, so is theirs and their resume will probably not get them as far. If Klaus goes under, they suddenly are out of jobs in a city known for its competitive performing job market. If they speak up, they’ll be fired, and Klaus’s reputation will absolutely carry him through any court case they may try. They are very likely end up homeless and hungry if they lose their jobs with him. Klaus has all the power. And he knows it.

         Those are the primary reasons I believe that not only did Klaus physically, verbally, emotionally, and mentally abuse his students, he more than likely is guilty of several much more sinister crimes like grooming and misuse of power.

 Ryan, The Primary Victim

          This part of my theory is where it gets a little more intricate. In dance, there’s a role in most organizations known as the Principal Dancer. The Principal Dancer is the top dancer in that company and frequently are given not only solos but starring roles in shows the company is hired to perform. Starting to sound familiar? That’s because that’s exactly what we see happen to Ryan. Ryan is given the role of being Johnny’s dance partner in the duet, one of the starring roles in the scene of a show being put on by a head of the entertainment industry. However, when we look at the students during this announcement, none of them look surprised. Ryan seems to have been the choice that everyone was expecting. On top of that, Ryan is the only one of Klaus’s students to publicly receive praise in front of the others, something that again doesn’t seem to surprise anyone. Klaus wasn’t doing that just to make Johnny feel bad (he would have pointed out how other students were doing better than him too), he clearly has praised Ryan before. Ryan is Klaus’s Principal Dancer. And upon realizing that, I immediately started to worry for him.

         Principal Dancers are often used as the example for all other students to follow. They stand at the head of the barre during warmups and help other students during practice. They can even help the teacher/choreographer with the choreography and the class overall. Essentially, they can tend to take on the role of a teaching assistant. And rather unsurprisingly at this point, we see Ryan doing just that during the practice scenes. While we never see them doing group warmups on barre, we do see Ryan seemingly helping another student correct their pose when Johnny shows up late for class. In fact, he’s the only student not doing those poses and is instead walking between the others as if checking what they’re doing. He also then proceeds to do the fight scene choreography perfectly. And while we might be meant to brush that off as “oh, he’s a talented dancer, of course he can do the choreo perfectly”, I’m here to tell you that essentially no one can do choreo absolutely perfectly on their first full run through. And that’s what it’s hinted at being, especially for Ryan. Johnny might have learned bits and pieces of the fight scene choreo before that point, however, Ryan’s role was announced in that very scene, and he was still able to do the choreography perfectly. That means that Ryan had practiced that choreo before, more than likely numerous times till he was able to do it flawlessly. And that means, he was more than likely practicing alone, or at least without Johnny (a neutral third party who would note and potentially protest any abuse), with Klaus.

         We know that Klaus has hit his students before, hell we see him do it multiple times in the movie itself, and we know that he also verbally and emotionally berates his students on the regular. We can see by how his students react to this, how scared they look, that they too are targets. And statistically, the person closest to the abuser is typically their primary victim. In this instance, we know the person closest to Klaus within the troupe is Ryan.

         What’s more, the behaviors of Ryan and Klaus within the movie hint to this fact as well (this is probably where I go into over analysis but I’m too far deep in this rabbit hole now so). For starters, let’s look at the scene where Johnny, Buster, and Gunter enter the training room. The first thought that blared through my mind was their shoes. If you didn’t know, street shoes are not allowed on practice room floors, like ever. It can wear down the flooring and therefore make it extremely dangerous for the dancers. So, the fact that the dancers didn’t say anything in of itself was odd, but then again, the Principal Dancer might have been the one expected to speak up in that instance since it involved the show’s director. Speaking of the Principal Dancer, Ryan is the one dancer we do not see in that opening scene. He’s nowhere to be found and neither is Klaus. Now, Klaus being gone on the first day of a show isn’t that surprising. Choreographers have a lot of people they have to talk to such as the director, the publicity manager, the wardrobe department, etc. but Ryan being missing is odd. For one, he would technically be, at least honorarily judging by the troupe’s dynamic, in charge while Klaus is gone, and two, there’s no way they didn’t know they would be getting their new dancer (Johnny) that morning. Having no one there to formally met him or tell him the expectations would spell disaster to a cohesive first practice. And yet Ryan is missing. He could have just stepped out for a moment, true, or been helping Klaus with something, but we never see him being treated as an assistant choreographer so that seems a bit far-fetched to me. Therefore, I have chosen to believe theory three: he wasn’t allowed to be there.

         Now some of you might realize where this theory is headed, but still, let’s keep going. Why wouldn’t a Principal Dancer, the top performer in the company, be allowed to be there when the new student was introduced for the first time? I don’t think it was due to the new student, it was due to who would be there with him. Johnny didn’t walk into that practice studio alone, he walked in with the director and the screen writer, two people of power on set. What’s more is that those two are currently being backed by one of the heads of the biggest entertainment industries in what’s hinted at being the world. They have power and they can use it. If Ryan would have said something to them, perhaps warning them of what Klaus is like or asking for help, they would immediately have them removed from the show and done anything in their power to help Ryan. Therefore, Klaus kept Ryan close or might have even sent him out to do something to avoid him saying anything that could hurt his image. And what’s more, I think Ryan would have. Let’s look at Ryan’s behaviors throughout the movie now, shall we?

         First off, I will admit Ryan is a character with one to two lines and a surprisingly limited amount of screen time for actually being decently important to the plot (though he might have more/close to the same amount screen time than Alfonso if I remember correctly. I’ll have to check.). The first time we actually see Ryan, it’s at Crystal’s Auditions. However, he’s not auditioning. From what I can see (and common fan theories) he’s there to support someone, maybe a friend, maybe a child of a sponsor of the dance company. And he’s also more than likely supposed to be networking for the company as well, getting these potential rich sponsors to like him enough to support Klaus’s company. That is a job assigned to Principal Dancers at certain companies after all. In the scene where we see Ryan, we actually notice him mostly paying attention to Johnny (yes, I do ship them, no, that is not where this is going, nice try). In fact, we see him look him up and down and watch him the entire time he’s in the room. Why is that important for non-shipping reasons? Because there is no way Ryan did not recognize Johnny the next day when he showed up in Klaus’s class. He saw him as a janitor and the next time he sees him apparently his director is friends with Clay Calloway, and they can put on an award-winning show with only three weeks of prep? Yeah, there’s no way Ryan didn’t know that wasn’t a lie. He knew they snuck in. And he didn’t say anything. Klaus would have absolutely used that as ammo against Johnny if he knew and we don’t know enough about the other troupe members to know if they would have told him if Ryan had mentioned it, so it’s a decently safe assumption that he didn’t say a word. He was willing to protect them and their secrets, no questions asked.                                                                                           

         Now, onto where we actually see a fair bit of Ryan, the dance classes. This is where we finally see Ryan being acknowledged as the Principal Dancer as well as a surprising amount of his personality. For starters, we can tell he’s extremely patient and dedicated. He never seems annoyed or upset that Johnny’s struggling so much to the point they have to go long. He is just calm and steady, doing the choreo over and over again the exact same way so Johnny can get used to the same movements. He also has clearly been dancing since he was a kid to reach the rank of Principal Dancer when he’s as young as he is (I always though he and Johnny were close in age, 18-19 years old). So, what do we now know about Ryan? That he’s trustworthy, patient, and very dedicated.

         Now on to why this personality we see hints to Ryan actually being a threat to Klaus’s reputation. Ryan doesn’t act like Klaus. And why does that mean Ryan doesn’t agree with Klaus’s views? Well, a lot of times when people of similar ideologies and behaviors are together, they amplify those traits in each other (think about things like political rallies or groups of friends). Or think of how couples who have been together a long time develop the same habits or how kids mimic their caretakers (and since Ryan is Klaus’s Principal Dancer and probably been training with him for years that probably the closest fit). However, Ryan’s mannerisms and personality seem to be the exact opposites of his teacher’s. He’s even willing to sneak into Crystal Theatre to help them put on the show apparently behind Klaus’s back, seeming to lead the other students there. He doesn’t align himself with his teacher’s ideology towards Johnny at all. In fact, we see him being extremely supportive of the other boy during the show and practices. At this point, it’s pretty clear to me that Ryan has definitely grown disillusioned with whatever Klaus probably told him as a young student and in fact seems to rebel against his teacher’s wishes constantly. He wouldn’t have held back if he had been alone with Buster and Gunter that day. He would have warned them.

         You might be asking “So if this is the case, why hasn’t Klaus fired him then?” Well, simple, sponsors. Remember how I said earlier that Principal Dancers are commonly used for networking between different troupes? Well, as we can observe, Ryan seems to be a very friendly and outgoing guy. He seems like the kind of person who can make friends quickly and easily. And while that is great for making those networking connections, it also means those connections are more than likely fonder of Ryan, a cheerful and friendly young adult, then Klaus, who is shown to be a perfectionist and egotistical. If Klaus was to fire Ryan (especially since I don’t think Ryan would sign an NDA), Ryan would more than likely go to those sponsors and ask for help. He likely could financially cripple the troupe if he wanted to. Klaus is kinda stuck with him at this point.

         And that being stuck with him, especially since Ryan is almost definitely under contract, spells worse news for Ryan. If he leaves and breaks contract, he can be sued, and that lawsuit would probably destroy his future in the dance industry. And if he stays, Klaus more than likely is going to target him even more to try to eliminate the chances of Ryan saying anything (gaslighting, scarily common these days). Ryan is trapped between abuse and essentially financial desolation for the foreseeable future.

        That wraps up by deep dive into the theory that sprung to life after watching the interactions and behaviors of the dance troupe and Klaus in Sing 2. And in the case of a TL:DR scenario, I believe that Klaus has committed much worse crimes than what we’re shown on screen and I believe that Ryan is his primary victim.

[allwormdiet]

Arc 1: Gestation, Concluding Thoughts

Two days in the life of Taylor Hebert, with a bonus one night in the life of Danny Hebert. Let's break it down.

Right now, initial feelings are really positive. I like this arc, I get why people are in on this in such a hardcore fashion, like it's making sense to me as I'm reading it. The characterization is really strong, the A to B plot is cool, and the first fight scene was a fucking banger to open up with.

And like, shit, I get why Taylor is throwing herself into cape life, right? Civilian life is already such fucking misery for her, utterly alone and the only person who's theoretically in her corner is sympathetic but just as helpless as she is. Yeah sure, mortal peril, but if she had nothing to do I feel like the bullying would've killed her eventually. Death versus Lung is at least marginally more noble than death by Emma. And isn't that fucking bleak.

Looking ahead a little bit towards Arc 2 and I'm immensely curious how long it'll take Taylor to do cape stuff again. I feel like I'd need a solid month to process the whole "near death experience" thing and then spend time sweating over whether I even put the mask on ever again. Meanwhile I wouldn't be surprised if Taylor went back out in like a week, because she's a hardcore maniac.

It's also very interesting looking at this and considering the exact sequence of events that went through these chapters. If the bullies didn't wreck Taylor's notebook, or if Taylor took a different message away from its destruction, there might be one or more dead Undersiders right now, and to a lesser extent Armsmaster wouldn't both get credit for a major capture and also owe this rookie hero a favor. Both of those things are going to matter a lot, and it's, I dunno, some people would call that contrived but real life is so full of weird coincidence and happenstance I can buy this no problem.

...Honestly now I get why so many AUs that diverge before this point still include the Lung fight and the Undersiders and Armsmaster meetings, like yeah at that point it's contrivance but I'm not going to sweat an author too hard because they don't want to figure out how fucking dramatic the butterfly effect (hah, butterfly) would be on the rest of the story. Like yeah it's contrived, but that's a lot of work they'd have to do otherwise.

That aside, I'm gonna get back on topic and meditate on my current gripes. 1.3 was a legitimate low point in this arc with the description of the Docks and its residents and their circumstances, and the total clusterfuck of the Azn Bad Boys, which. By the by this is the last time I'm going to say the full name of that gang, ABB is shorter and is less embarrassing for everybody involved. Wall-to-wall racism, classism, and an utter lack of sympathy for the lesser-thans. Like we're talking about crack whores in the year of our lord 2011, or, they were written about in 2011 and I'm hollering about it on the internet in 2024. When this kind of thing comes back up (when, not if, I'm not that optimistic) I just hope I can work around it, like eating everything but the bruise on an apple.

To close this out, I'm thinking about the people in Taylor's life. Emma, a former friend turned bully, and her cronies Madison and Sophia. Pretty shallow characterization at this point, just that they're cruel to the point of hospitalizing their victim. Danny Hebert is supportive, but has all the strength of a sponge when it comes to holding up against the pressures that weigh on Taylor, and he knows it but he's not doing anything differently. The Undersiders, criminals who mistake Taylor for a criminal, but identify her correctly as a comrade and potential friend, who realize she was fighting for them and went to fight for her. Armsmaster, who offers her very genuine and very sought-after praise as an authority figure, and then leans on that authority to get what he wants out of a freshly traumatized and exhausted teenager.

Is it any wonder that Taylor takes the path that she does? Would anyone have it in them to be surprised if they could see all of this from a bird's eye view?

I wonder if Armsmaster ever thinks back about this night, lying awake in bed. If he ever wonders what he could or should have done differently, or if he couldn't have done anything to divert course.

I was talking to my girlfriend about something related to this the other night, actually. If it's worse in a tragedy for there to have been a chance to avert it all, or if it's worse for the end to be inevitable. Looking at Taylor, looking at Brockton Bay, looking at Earth Bet? I dunno. If someone had acted early, with knowledge and intention sufficient to actually provide aid, maybe it would've been enough, but hell. Maybe not. I don’t know which possibility is more damning.

...I get melancholy when it's late, but I don't think it'd be right to delete all that; it's how I'm feeling about the novel, and that's what this blog is for, so even if it's a bit dramatic it'd be self-defeating to pretend I didn't say it.

Arc 2... probably starts tomorrow, assuming nothing comes up. Glad to say I'm looking forward to it.

[khattikeri]

the thing about wei wuxian’s victims is that calling them wei wuxian’s victims in the first place is nebulous.

that isn't to say those who died or were bereaved after nightless city or the first siege of the burial mounds weren't hurt by wei wuxian’s retaliation. but calling them "wei wuxian’s victims" while ignoring that cultivation society scapegoated and hunted him down, and that wei wuxian never attacked without being threatened first, is a massive oversimplification.

sure we have minor characters like the cultivator who lost his leg or the cultivator who lost his parents, and sure mxtx writes them as part of a mob of more unreasonable people who were largely not even present for these events, but the thing is... there are major named characters who were present, or who had loved ones there, and their grief and pain are given full attention by the story. they're called jiang cheng and jin ling.

my sister/my mother died at nightless city because of you! except no, jiang yanli actually died because an entirely different nameless cultivator stabbed her, and she intentionally pushed wei wuxian out of the way to protect him out of sincere love. it wasn't the first time. she already demonstrated this when she stood up for him and called him her blood brother in front of her fiance and his family at an event they were hosting, when she had zero backing support and could've easily been dumped and had her marriageability ruined for speaking out of turn.

who's to say that jiang yanli's death wasn't the only instance of cultivators dying at nightless city from friendly fire during all the chaos? we don't know. the one thing we do know for certain is that once it was all over, the survivors attributed the (dubiously counted) thousands of casualties to wei wuxian alone.

saying that wei wuxian was the sole cause is overly convenient for cultivation society. in particular the major sects politically did not want to help the wen remnants and were content to mistreat them in forced labor camps. they thought that wei wuxian was too dangerous with his unique ghost path of cultivation and use of resentful energy, so they gathered everyone up and tried TWO different times to assassinate him. the first time just killing wei wuxian alone. the next time, taking all the remaining wens out with him.

there's a lot left unsaid about these major battles and sieges which leads to a lot of our discourse as fans to begin with-- we have such limited information about all these major events of the past! and unfortunately for us, that's the point!

that's the thesis of the book! the details of the pain and grief you go through don't actually matter! regardless of it, you have to eventually move on. you have to actively choose good, to do what you think is right for the sake of doing the right thing, and not just to act based on your idea of fulfilling debts or deserving to be repaid a certain way!

what everyone claims as indisputable facts about wei wuxian are actually skewed not only by rumors, but by politics. mxtx doesn't depict these various randos to give them a brief beat of sympathy. nor does she do it just to make wei wuxian look better.

they are there because they are also angry and bitter, stewing in the past looking for someone to keep blaming (wei wuxian; the cultivation world decided thirteen years ago it would be wei wuxian) and demanding recompense from him. jiang cheng does the same for the entire damn book.

jin ling breaks the cycle; in spite of the rocky start he eventually chooses to trust wei wuxian and argue on his behalf even in front of his elders. even though he's the heir to a major sect. even though he has been taught his entire life to despise and be angry at wei wuxian for orphaning him.

mdzs is a complex story. it also happens to be a black and white story without gray morality. there are many what-ifs, actions that went poorly or circumstances that would've shifted the course of events if only things had gone well for everyone, but nobody acts in a legitimately morally grey way.

throughout the novels there is a clear delineation between good and bad, righteous and wrong; wei wuxian is clearly the former in both cases not because mxtx wanted to more easily depict her protagonist as a good guy, but because she consistently bases these dichotomies upon the fulcrum of hypocrisy.

supporting the use of resentful energy via ghost cultivation to kill your political enemies in wartime and then immediately turning on the person doing so for you once the war is over, blaming all evils on him and trying to get him killed because he's trying to help the few survivors of the opposing side (both because it's the right thing to do and to pay back a life debt he secretly owes that only two or three people know about, oops)-- that is hypocrisy.

if wei wuxian does it and we like it, it's expected of him and he deserves no praise, though he handles it all with charm and stride befitting the son of the illustrious cangse-sanren.

if wei wuxian does it and we don't like it, he's a murderous evildoer, the ungrateful and dangerous son of a servant (whose name we conveniently never say even though we all know who wei changze was).

mdzs is a book about the hypocrisy of the upper class. mdzs is a book about grief. mdzs is a book about society and rumors and politics and the pitfalls of chasing after what you are "owed". mdzs is a book about love and sticking to your own path and principles. wei wuxian is its protagonist, and by the novel's own values, he is indisputably good.

[hismercytomyjustice]

!IWTV 2.07 Spoilers Below!

TW for racism, racial violence, and everything already in the episode.

These are mostly just my thoughts on Claudia and Louis and the role of age/gender/race in the trial.

The writers and actors and everyone went for the THROAT with this episode and I am HERE FOR IT.

First and foremost, this is a public lynching. Played out for an almost completely white audience. The CLOSE UPS on the mostly white audience as Claudia’s charges are read…

The farce of a trial. They didn't need to go to all this trouble to kill Claudia, Louis, and Madeline. They CHOSE to. They made it a SPECTACLE, as was often done during lynchings.

Louis referring to himself and Claudia as props instead of characters. Because the audience and the vampire "court" would have to see them as PEOPLE to consider them characters.

Lestat warping the narrative to make himself out to be the victim for a good chunk of the trial and immediately being believed and sympathized with because this poor white man has a sad.

The only defendant shown any sympathy or empathy during the trial being the sole white person, and a white woman no less. Madeleine is treated like a poor naive soul who could never have known what “horrible monsters” she was in league with. BUT SHE KNEW. She heard all about Lestat and why Claudia didn't want her to have his blood. She watched Claudia kill three people in front of her without breaking a sweat. To SAVE her.

Moreover, Madeleine is the only one they offer absolution to. Yes, she hasn’t committed any “vampire crimes,” but she’s once again given the benefit of the doubt as a white woman. She’s perceived as inherently innocent and worthy of salvation. The implication being she’s just one more person that’s been swept up in the schemes of these “villains”. While Claudia and Louis are treated as irredeemable and inherently evil. Lestat confessed to breaking the same laws they’re on trial for, but he also receives a white “get out of jail free” card.

The way Claudia, for all intents and purposes, a 14 year old Black CHILD is portrayed as a monster in addition to a “child seductress” of sorts. The implication being she bent two fully grown men to her will. WE know Claudia is technically an adult inside (and that's how she sees herself), but the projection of maturity on a non-white child to justify violence and victimization against said child is excellently and devastatingly done.

The further “justification” of Lestat’s actions because he has his maker’s/father’s temper. Yet another excuse often bandied about by abusers. Like they "can’t help themselves". Obviously the cycle of abuse is a very real thing, I don’t mean to diminish that. But seeing him actually take a moment to be like “oh, no wait, I chose to do those things, that was actually all me” was a nice touch. Doesn’t absolve him of ANYTHING he did, but at least he finally acknowledges the role he played.

Claudia, the “youngest” of the group being the only one who fights against the compulsion to defend herself. We’re told over and over again through the series she’s unstable, too emotional, etc because she was turned as a teenage girl. And yet she is the only person there with an OUNCE of maturity. AND SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE. 

She’s only that way because she became parentified while trying to save Louis from himself and from Lestat. Even now, knowing they’re all about to die in a horrific fashion, she can’t turn off the part of her that cares about Louis. That doesn’t want to see him reenter the cycle of abuse, even in his last moments. She was his protector then and now while Louis is trapped in his own head.

Louis should be the one protecting HER. She is his daughter/little sister. He is older than her. He's been a vampire longer than her. He’s the one who got her turned in the first place. Not to diminish everything he’s going through as an abuse victim among other things, but she desperately needed him and once again he couldn’t/wouldn't/didn't step up for her.

Claudia saying “Can I cry and say that I’m sorry too?” Directly calling out the weaponization of white tears. The audience is willing to sympathize with a grown white man but not with his CHILD victim. Once again a Black child (in the physical sense) being held to higher standards than a grown white man who “just couldn’t help himself.” The audience laughs at Claudia’s pain while simultaneously sympathizing with her abuser.

Despite Claudia taking Paris by storm as Baby Lulu, not a single fan of hers steps forward in her defense. Santiago even acknowledges there are fans of her show in the audience! Because she’s not their beloved Baby Lulu anymore. She’s no longer performing for the entertainment and comfort of a white audience. Because she isn’t a person to them. Great post here about how the Baby Lulu play is a minstrel performance too btw.

We’re told again and again throughout the show that Claudia was too young to be changed, too volatile and therefore doomed to go mad and perish. But she’s the sanest and strongest of the three on trial. She fights back against an entire coven trying to break her mind. She walks of her own volition even with her ruined Achilles tendons. If everything they claimed was true, we sure as hell aren’t seeing any indication of that now. Claudia has proven her mental fortitude time and time again despite misery after misery inflicted on her in her undead life.

But no one in the audience and none of the vampire “justices” will ever acknowledge this truth. Because she’s a child when it’s convenient to their narrative (playing Baby Lulu and her standing in the coven), but she’s suddenly an adult the instant she advocates for herself and is now fully accountable for her “crimes.” They refuse to admit the Claudia before them now is the one and only real Claudia.

Even at the very end, Claudia tries to protect Madeleine from the sun. She holds her. She shields her with her body. She does what NO ONE has ever done for her. What Louis SHOULD HAVE DONE FOR HER. We know the pain she suffers is agonizing. We’ve seen Louis and Madeleine’s go through it. Yet she stands there head high, holding her love, and singing the song she hated so much to the lynch mob. Because no one there is ever going to think of that song in its original context again. Instead, it’s her final act of defiance, her last chance to declare her autonomy and insist she will never be what they tried to make her.

The death scene is such a stark contrast to her first death when Louis is pleading with Lestat to save her. She was catatonic then, but here she is so devastatingly vibrant and ALIVE. And it makes it hurt so much more to see that taken from her along with her life.

Claudia is such an amazing character in this show. Bailey Bass and Delainey Hayles are such phenomenal actors. I am DEVASTATED we have reached the end of Claudia's story and this is her legacy, but at the same time I will NEVER forget this episode or their extremely nuanced performances. Do I hope they'll find a way to reincorporate Claudia into the story? Absolutely. I'd love to see more. But at the same time, if this is how she had to go, I'm glad they centered the narrative so strongly around her.

[vickyvicarious]

I feel myself quite wild with excitement. I suppose one ought to pity any thing so hunted as is the Count. That is just it: this Thing is not human—not even beast. To read Dr. Seward's account of poor Lucy's death, and what followed, is enough to dry up the springs of pity in one's heart.

This is an interesting quote. We see here that Mina's initial instinct is excitement. She is eager for the hunt, for revenge. It's only after she admits this eagerness that she kind of checks herself and says, reluctantly, that she supposes one ought to pity anything hunted in this way. It's never anything specific to him in the slightest, and it's more a begrudging bit of guilt for her own bloodthirstiness than it is genuine feeling on his behalf.

But even then, she says probably there should be pity, but she doesn't feel it. At the very least, she doesn't want to. (Really, I think it's more she feels she should want to, but doesn't feel even the desire for pity.) Fresh off learning what happened to her best friend because of Dracula - what he directly did to her - any pity Mina might feel has dried up. She wants him dead. And she wants to be involved in making that happen.

When she steps back later then, we know just how reluctant it is. She went right up through half the meeting fully expecting and eager to be involved in this whole process. She simply read the writing on the wall and didn't want them to exclude her even further if she protested harder, but she hates hanging back to let them do the hunting.

Spoilers below cut:

And later on, when she speaks against Jonathan's fervor in the same direction, it's still not really about Dracula himself:

"Jonathan dear, and you all my true, true friends, I want you to bear something in mind through all this dreadful time. I know that you must fight—that you must destroy even as you destroyed the false Lucy so that the true Lucy might live hereafter; but it is not a work of hate. That poor soul who has wrought all this misery is the saddest case of all. Just think what will be his joy when he, too, is destroyed in his worser part that his better part may have spiritual immortality. You must be pitiful to him, too, though it may not hold your hands from his destruction." [...] "May God give him into my hand just for long enough to destroy that earthly life of him which we are aiming at. If beyond it I could send his soul for ever and ever to burning hell I would do it!" "Oh, hush! oh, hush! in the name of the good God. Don't say such things, Jonathan, my husband; or you will crush me with fear and horror. Just think, my dear—I have been thinking all this long, long day of it—that ... perhaps ... some day ... I, too, may need such pity; and that some other like you—and with equal cause for anger—may deny it to me!

She outright tells him that she's been thinking about this all day. That she is afraid someone would feel the same kind of hate towards her that she felt on Lucy's behalf, that Jonathan feels on her behalf. Mina recognizes that she may need to be killed, and is fully willing to accept that. But the idea that she will be killed and be hated while it happens, that the people who do so might want her to burn in hell, might take joy in her suffering... that's a horrible thought. Even if they have as much right as she and Jonathan do for their own revenge, even if Mina becomes a vampire and causes as much harm as Lucy ever did, or even Dracula himself... she hopes that her death could at least come at the hands of those who love her and wish her well. The real her.

None of these people will ever know the 'real' or at least original Dracula. If Van Helsing is correct about his past, the human was far from being a good person forced against his will into monstrosity the way his victims are. But even so, Mina can't help but want sympathy for the possibility of that soul trapped by a vampire for such a terribly long time. Because she would want it for herself should it ever come to that.

[nightcolorz]

i read through a few of your recent asks and it got me on an armand defense blender so here we are. & i thought about doing this anonymously but then decided to rawdog it so fuck it. this is probably gonna be ridiculously long but i have Thoughts + i have a feeling if anyone will understand it's you (also i'm too much of a coward to make my own post on this topic)

ANYWAY the way some people in this fandom treat armand is actually like... vile. it goes hand in hand with the whole "reducing louis to a victim and nothing more" thing which you talked about and i want to expand on allllll that because jesus christ some of this shit

people have been talking about how armand is Literally The Worst Ever for two years now and that has really imbibed into to the fandom. i mean i was affected by this as well, i went into the books expecting the Worst from him but it wasn't nearly as bad as i had believed it would be (though tbf i am also biased here, i saw armand in a tiktok edit like a year and a half ago and autistically imprinted on him for a long while before i even watched the show. he can do no wrong ever actually)

but that mindset of "oh you thought LESTAT was bad wait until you meet ARMAND lmfao" (not flaming anyone for that btw, i'm pretty sure even i've jokingly said that at one point) has really poisoned him to the fandom. i fully get book readers being wary of him and overanalyzing everything when it comes to him but it's often the show only fans that are the worst culprits and it's a bit out of hand honestly

after s2e4 i legit saw a person say that they don't believe a word that armand said about his backstory and that he probably made up marius and all the abuse he suffered because he wanted "sympathy" (very pointed quotation marks on that one) from louis and to manipulate him. and it would've been bad enough if those were the words they used but instead they were downright horrible about it. i genuinely had to put down my phone and take a few deep breaths after reading all that. like why would you even assume that? i really hope that's not how that person treats real life victims because holy shit

and like I DON'T GET IT!!!!! people just loooove to apply malicious intent to armand in situations where there is none and i don't get it. this is the series about complex, shitty vampires and yet some people still shove them into boxes like Irredeemable Abuser Who's Just Horrible All The Time (armand, lestat), Perfect Innocent Victim Who Can Do No Wrong (louis, claudia) and Pinnacle Of Neutrality (daniel)

and the person from earlier was a die hard loustat shipper and stanned lestat and whatnot and like i'm sorry but only one of these characters has committed dv atp and it wasn't armand. why is armand the scapegoat here? (it's because he comes in the way of loustat) (also i really don't like flaming individual people for their opinions but i feel like this is vague enough that it gets a pass + this one genuinely made me want to bang my head against a wall)

people are just not equipped to deal with 3 dimensional characters because not only can they not accept that armand is not a cartoon villain that is Unequivocally Evil and some machiavellain mastermind but they also can't accept that louis is a shitty person. you can be a victim and a bad person. you can be a victim and toxic and abusive. like.. the way louis is treating armand is not okay and people shouldn't be afraid to accept that. HE'S A BAD PERSON THEY'RE ALL BAD PEOPLE THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINTTTT

and if people are bothered by that then this is not the show for them

personally i am glad they made louis actually be undeniably shitty this season it made me like him even more (& i say undeniably but people will still deny it like their life depended on it lmaooo). and i am also glad that they managed to really humanize armand for the sane of us because this portrayal of him and his character and personality is just *chef's kiss*. assad GETS HIM and all his little nuances and autistic swagger

yeah anyway uhhhhh people stop immediately assuming the worst of armand challenge (impossible) & i could keep going for another 7 paragraphs but i fear i've waffled on enough i am really fucking frustrated with parts of this fandom send help

(also like, hate armand if you will but hate him for actual things he has done lmfao stop making him something he's not. if you hate him for what he did to claudia, fair enough you do you i can't stop you but jfc some of these people)

YESSS GO OFF 🙏🙏🔥🔥‼️‼️ U or anyone else r so so incredibly encouraged to put ur steaming hot Armand takes in my ask box that ur too scared to post urself for fear of back lash! my Armand apologist army will eat it up and I will shield u from the masses ❤️❤️ consider urself protected and embraced solider.

but anyways, ur so right omg say that shit. The “if u think lestat is bad wait till u see armand he tortures people and does animal cruelty and frankensteins kid heads onto adult bodies lol all Lestat does is graphic domestic violence Armand is like crazy fr” meme has done irreversible damage to this fandoms comprehension skills it’s wild 😭 like due to two years worth of bracing themselves for mega evil Armand we have people spouting the most disgusting insensitive takes about sexual violence I’ve ever seen said so casually in a fandom 😭. I don’t think I’ve come across the post ur referencing tho *holy shit*, even in a fictional context “this person must be lying about being assaulted” is an insane thing to say with ur full chest, but I digress. I’ve seen takes where ppl r saying Armand was trying to emotionally manipulate Louis by talking about being repeatedly raped as a child and like ?? 😨😨😨. Excuse me😭😭 genuinely what the fuck. That’s the same thing as saying Claudia was trying to manipulate Louis by telling him about when she was repeatedly raped, like that is genuinely a fucked up thing to say😭. I don’t think it’s irrational to be weary of Armand’s actions at all because of course we were all bracing ourself for his betrayal so it’s not unreasonable to suspect he has ulterior motives, but it’s both dumb and also fucked up ngl to assume that literally every thing Armand does or says is two sided, especially when there has been nothing in the show besides fandom speculation to suggest that this is the case with him😭. It’s such a shallow, dumb assumption to go “oh this character is two sided so therefore he is never ever sincere at all”. Especially since Armand isn’t two sided bcus of non complex villainous intent, his motives and his lack of trust or loyalty for people or consistent, reliable behavior is very trauma based. I always like to say, he’s not like a snake, he’s like a reactive former fighting dog. A reactive dog can and will attack you without warning at any moment, but a reactive dog is so often disproportionately violent and unreliable because it’s learned that the world is unreliable and violence is how it can protect itself. Armand isn’t rlly the schemer type, he’s more of the “lifts his head from your lap and bites your face off” type.

I think that if the show was trying to suggest that Armand telling Louis about how he was raped was emotionally manipulative that would have been a fucked up and insensitive thing to write! and the fact that ppl r interpreting it that way without anything there to imply that is 😭 um. Woah?? It’s pretty overtly explained why Armand tells Louis his backstory, I’ve talked about it before but, in that scene prior to the backstory dump Louis is telling Armand that he doesn’t feel like he knows him, and he wants to know who he really is. And in this episode Louis and Armand r having a conflict where Armand perceives their relationship as intimate and important and Louis doesn’t even really see them as “together” because he doesn’t want to open himself up to that kind of vulnerability. So when Louis explains to Armand why he doesn’t feel as close to him as Armand does, Armand decides to be vulnerable with louis and tell him about who he is (and why he is the way he is) since Louis told him that that is what he wants from him. I don’t see how telling ur partner about ur life (which is made up of constant trauma) when he tells u he doesn’t know anything about ur life and would like to know more is in anyway manipulative or deceitful. Usually when I see a take I rlly disagree with I am at least able to discern how someone could come to that conclusion, but honestly I have no idea with this one 😭. Just, dude, come on. Y’all do realize that instantly assuming wrongfulness or deceit from a scene where a character is talking about their history of childhood sexual abuse does not make u look good 😭 right? The lack of self awareness is insane 😭 I understand it probably feels uncomfortable to watch a character u perceive as a straightforward manipulator and abuser talk about being horribly abused himself in a way that’s overtly sympathetic, but I think doubling down on ur previous black and white interpretation is like kind of silly goose behavior!

until ur ask I never rlly considered that some fans might be viewing Armand as noncomplexly always in the wrong bcus they are die hard Loustat shippers, but it makes sense! It’s also even more dumb 😭 I love Loustat a lot (mostly in the books cuz the show borderline desecrated them but whateves), but the thing about iwtv and tvc is that literally every character has and will date and be with each other constantly. The defensiveness over ur ship is not necessary 😭 if ur so hyper strict over monogamous shipping that it stresses u out to see ur favs in multiple relationships in the span of a show maybe this isn’t the fandom for u 😭🙏. I think maybe this attitude is coming from a place of “I need Armand to be worse then lestat because if Armand isn’t worse then lestat then loustat will look worse then Loumand and Louis will be wrong to go back to lestat”, and like, babes 😭 Lestat has already violently beat Louis on screen the harm has already been done, if ur still clinging to the hope that lestat will be ultimately the good and right choice for Louis u r fighting a loosing battle. Ship what u wanna ship guys, u can love loustat without trying to justify it as healthy or “healthier” then Loumand . But u do look like a dummy when ur trying to vastly mischaracterize Armand for shipping reasons 😭 like c’mon now. i feel the same way about Louis being portrayed as bad making u like him more!! I’m sure I’ve talked about this, but I kind of hated iwtv s1 and a lot of it was due to how Louis wasn’t at all overtly shitty or unlikable and seemed to be mostly in the right. My favorite thing about Louis in the books is how he portrays himself as a frail gentle human-like saintly vampire who wouldn’t hurt a fly and is better then other the vampires when in reality he is really a horrible, self victimizing unempathetic judgmental asshole who only cares about morality because he wants to boost his ego and feel better about himself. AHHHH it’s so interesting and entertaining to me, I love deceitful, selfish bitch louis sm. And I’m rlly happy with how s2 is leaning into this a little more than s1 is by making Louis such an asshole to Armand!! It feels really appropriate with the former slave owner/former slave parallel translated to the former pimp/former sex slave version in the show, and the way they are fleshing out the relationships in the books and adding more context. Louis is such a great character and I like him sm more in s2 lol, let him be shittyyy!! I beg u!! It’s such a shame that a lot of fans refuse to let their faves suck 🙏

and yessss!!! Armand is being portrayed so perfectly!! Assad is the perfect Armand I am so grateful for him, he is so beautifully nuanced and complex and human. So sad some fans refuse to acknowledge that 😭

on ur last paragraph!! Yesss literally there is so much about Armand to hate so if u hate him hate him for like canon things he has done instead of twisting everything he does into being non complexly evil bcus ur making the show worse for urself if ur viewing it so shallowly 😭. Armand has fucked over Claudia and Nicki and lestat and Louis, and if u hate him for that go right ahead 🙏 I hate Marius for ruining my faves life but guess what 😭 Marius is like a complex varied character and I’d sound like a straight dumb ass if I went on tumblr and tried to claim that literally everything he does is bad intentioned and evil, bcus that’s just not the case. U guys jumping through hoops to claim that Armand is always evil is like if I tried to say that Marius was actually being evil when he tried to save half the world from genocide from Akasha 😭 u know what I’m saying? Fortunately these characters r all incredibly complex and capable of like, nuanced intentions and behavior. If u can’t handle that in ur gay vampire show then I’m sorry ur going to be disappointed. God bless tho

thank u sm for the ask ur literally such an icon and I’m obsessed with u and ur steaming hot takes, everyone stands up and claps

[qpenpals]

First of all, support Shubble and support all victims (which is a statement that while said a lot, seems not be followed as frequently, however i hope those who read this abide by it)

Second, I don’t support wilbur soot/william gold, and I don’t think that anyone should after this.

Third, while this situation is not about me, i have feelings and opinions about it that i would like to share, but even if you don’t read anymore,

Please watch shelby’s vod, and maybe try checking her content out, because while i don’t frequently watch her, i enjoy her streams and maybe you will too! her new hardcore series sounds great :)

This is quite long, but honestly this is kind of just for me to collect my thoughts, however if you read to the end thank you<3 im touched :)

ALSO ABUSE TRIGGER WARNING

Alright, so I have loved wilbur soot’s content for a very long time, 4 years or so. I watched the streams and listened to his music from the start. His content is entwined with many of my fond memories.

Earlier today, I had a breakdown over this whole situation, because, as I’ve been quite busy with school, my job, and other assorted things in my life, I found out about this morning. I had woken from a nightmare about my previous abuser. Who i will be talking about a lot more of as they really impacted my views on this situation.

However this nightmare had left me in a fragile mood, my girlfriend was still sleeping and i didn’t want to wake her, so to comfort myself i went to read one of my bookmarked fanfictions, this fanfiction, while i dont remember the title is one that i’ve found comforting for a very long time, so much so that when im stressed my partner has it saved to send to me so i can calm down.

It was a fanfiction about quackity and tubbo, wilbur soot was mentioned maybe 5 times, and the author had deleted it.

This caused me to try and find out why, so i went to their page and they had posted a temporary fic explaining what had been going on.

My first reaction had been disbelief, I then went to research everything. It was a lot to process.

I watched shelby’s vod. Before this i had mainly been disconnected from what i had seen, taking it it but not with any of my own feelings or thoughts really, just processing.

Shelby’s situation hits really hard for me because a lot of it mirrors my own abusive relationship of a few years ago. The wording Wilbur used against her, sounds like what my old partner would use against me. His actions, such as her having to clean and taking care of food, and amenities, were things i had to experience.

Abuse TW:

My old partner would physically abuse me through biting as well, he would claim that he just liked knowing i was his, and yet, like shubble, if i ever used our safe word, which happened so fucking often, he either wouldn’t listen, bite down harder on my neck, or fucking smile at me before letting go.

This got to the point that multiple times he had drawn blood from my neck, that i still have scars from today. And as i watch Shubble talk about her story which is ever so close to mine, I wonder that if I had watched this before, maybe i wouldn’t have stayed in that relationship.

I proceeded to stay in this relationship for 2 years before i realized how much harm he was doing to me, because i truly believed he loved me, because of all the lovebombing he would do.

End of Abuse TW:

And yet i felt pain aside from sympathy or memories, when learning of this, as the content Wilbur had put out had actually helped me out of this relationship, his music was pretty much all i listened to the months of healing after i got out and it helped, the art is good, and yet the author is one i cannot respect nor support in anyway now that i am aware.

i’d suggest watching this tiktok by @lasmanburg that really explains my thoughts and feelings on this

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL1tb5Wg/

Right back to the content. I don’t believe that we should throw it all away, i don’t think that people should be deleting their art, fanfiction, or anything based on Wilbur. Because in the end it’s all art that we have created and interpreted and though the man who inspired it is horrible, all that has been made does not reflect his actions, but instead love and creativity from vast multifaceted community.

One can continue their writing and work because they are the ones creating it, not him, and besides most interpretations of him stray quite far from the source anyways

I think that one can continue to engage in his content as long as one does not directly support him, such as pirating his music, but personally at least right now listening to his music which brought me so much comfort-makes me feel sick. So think i’ll be taking a step back.

I don’t really know how to end this, i just needed to get my thoughts out honestly. I have therapy in an hour. I hope all of you who’ve made it to the end have a wonderful day and drink some water. I wish shelby well, and i’m glad she has been able to share this situation. And with that, I must now leave :)

[kendrixtermina]

English Translation of Christoph  Schneider’s Post

Note: I am just making it english because @thecrowss requested it; Everyone form their own conclusions: 

Dear people, 

I wish to share my personal thoughts and emotions with you. The accusations of the last weeks have deeply shaken us as a Band and me as a person. Certainly this was also true for you as fans. I’m still feeling schocked by all the things that were shared and printed about our singer in social media and the press. It’s been a rollercoaster for the crew and the band members.

No, I do not think that anything punishable by law (such as the use of roofies) took place. No, I don’t think anything illegal happened, neither I nor anyone among our hundreds of crew members ever witnessed anything like that. Everything I ever saw of Till’s parties were grown adults having fun together. And still it seems that some things took place that, while not illegal, I would personally consider not okay. 

Some structures had grown that went beyond the limits or values of the other band members. Because of this it is important to us to note that our official after show party’s shouldn’t be confused with Till’s private ones. Over the last few years Till had distanced himself from us and formed his own bubble. With his own people, his own parties, his own projects. This has certainly made me sad. 

I believe Till when he says that he always wanted and still wants his private guests to have a good time. Yet it seems that what those guests were expecting differed from his own expectations in some cases. The wishes and expectation of the women that came forward must not have been fulfilled. Instead, according to their statements, they have felt uncomfortable and close to the edge of a situation where they felt out of control. For this, I feel sorry for them, and I have sympathy/compassion for them. 

Still, it is important to me to emphasize something that was objectively true: Every guest in the backstage area is always free to leave (aside from briefly having to wait for security to see them out). All bottles are sealed and opened before the eyes of the guests. Water, snacks as well as security personnel and medical aid are always ready for them. 

We want all our guests to feel good and safe with us! That is our standard, and this is why I’m deeply sorrow that some of you didn’t feel that way. 

We have the best fans in the world and all of them deserve respectful treatment. I feel sorry for everyone who felt ill-treated or unsafe backstage. Including Shelby, who would have deserved a great concert and a wonderful evening. 

But I don’t want this dispute about our band to feed the extremes: 

Neither the beast of social media which our society has barely tamed, nor the paternalistic tendencies that would deny women in their mid 20s their sexual self-determination, and certainly not victim blaming, so that people continue to feel safe to speak out about what happened. 

I wish for a quiet and sober reflecting and reexamining of what took place, including within our band. And this means the six of us together. We stand with each other. 

Your Christoph Schneider.

At least this sounds like the people I thought I knew and pretty close to the assessment in the analysis post I was halfway through writing after sifting through the evidence. 

[thenarrativefoil]

Walk with me for a while.

ghost /ɡōst/ noun

an apparition of a dead person which is believed to appear or become manifest to the living, typically as a nebulous image."the building is haunted by the ghost of a monk" [oxford languages via google]

epigenetics /ˌepəjənˈediks/ noun

the study of changes in organisms caused by modification of gene expression rather than alteration of the genetic code itself. [oxford languages via google]

"Epigenetics can be thought of as a very specific sort of memory." "-most memories involve the [nervous system] storing experiences by altering connections between cells" [1]

"In a post mortem study on humans, Individuals [who died of natural causes] showed [altered] methylation in key areas of the hippocampus than those who died by suicide and those who died by suicide with a history of child abuse." [1]

"decreased levels of glucocorticoid receptor mRNA, as well as mRNA transcripts bearing the glucocorticoid receptor 1F splice variant and increased cytosine methylation of an NR3C1 promoter. Patch-methylated NR3C1 promoter constructs that mimicked the methylation state in samples from abused suicide victims showed decreased NGFI-A transcription factor binding and NGFI-A–inducible gene transcription" [2]

"muliebrity

if you’re raised with an angry man in your house, there will always be an angry man in your house. you will find him even when he is not there. and if one day you find that there is no angry man in your house— well, you will go find one and invite him in!" [3]

I don't know what to say about all this other than that it feels true. I've recently discovered that I don't feel things the way other people do. I have been slowly poking at what that means- feelings are something physical, a sensation in the body, like hot or cold. Some people actually get hot from emotion!

"Sympathy: I know how you feel Empathy: I feel how you feel Compassion: is there anything I can do to help?" [4]

I've leaned on compassion hard- to the point of annoyance, until I learned to ask questions before offering to help them solve the problem. But back to ghosts. Experiences change a person like a sculptor shapes clay. The creation of life from clay is a popular theme that appears throughout multiple cultures.[5]

Clay, before it is fired, can be mixed, shaped, dried, rewet, and formed again completely. It can be a hundred different things with no evidence of that in the final, fired version. Ceramics are "fired" (heated in a kiln) to different levels. Bisque means that bone-dry clay (greenware) has been fired once,at Cone 4-8, most commonly 6. Have you ever tried to exorcise a cup? Once fired, the ceramics can never return to its original state. You can smash it, you can grind it up into a fine powder. You can use ceramic powder as a metal coating, in filters;

"crushed fired clay ceramic-lime mortars are considered to be ideal for use in the restoration and conservation of ancient monuments and historic structures since they are fully compatible with the weak and porous traditional building materials" [6]

The jump from "fucked up cup" to ideal material for restoring historic structures seems too on the nose for me, as a ceramics artist who went on to restore monuments for a while. So we've got dna/clay and methylation/firing/trauma/memory/ghosts. There are ghosts of shitty cups in the cracks of restored buildings. I think of the tourists walking through, rubbing their hands on the walls and slowly corroding the monument with their acidic hand oils. Do some of the ghosts haunting me, that held my hands as I formed the wet clay, linger on their fingers when they leave? Can I put this down? Can someone else help me carry it? What is an artist but a ghost factory? I am making the ghosts, the ghosts are making me. It's an oroborous situation. I have GOT to get that snake some proper nutrition.

I had something else to say, but I forgot. My therapist tells me it's a way our nervous system protects itself from painful activation unable to be resolved.

Trauma changes the way our body functions, past emotional reactions, down to individual gene function. The war, the concentration camp, the abusive abused man, the abused child, like stacks of rocks placed on a grave in hopes of keeping the entombed inside. And yet, the undead rise! Moving strangely, covered in dirt, and stinking up the whole bus, we shuffle among the living. Some of us undetected! Most of us, well, we've got limbs falling off. We don't act right. So you're dead, but you really want to live. You go find yourself an exorcist, a physical therapist, a specialist who thinks they know what your problem is and has a strict regimen on how to fix you. Some things work, some things don't. You're still dead, but your skin is rotting less these days. Some days you wish Victor Frankenstein was real, someone with enough hubris to cut you up and zap you to life. But, you have to be what you want to see in the world. You're used to playing all the parts. You search for any information that can help you patch the function of your genes, behaviors and beliefs that will loch and dam the waterfall of your experience. You start believing in ghosts, and it's about time, since you've been haunted all your life. Try not to let it progress to possession, exorcists are really expensive.

[1] Transgenerational Trauma: The Role of Epigenetics

[2] Epigenetic regulation of the glucocorticoid receptor in human brain associates with childhood abuse

[3] Cut

[4] Quote from seananmcguire's dad

[5] Wikipedia: Creation of life from clay

[6] Use of crushed fired clay ceramics in the production of mortars

[nekrophoria]

Edgy/misc OC ask meme ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Dolores Webb

№ 2, 7, 9, 13, 14, 17,24.

Thank you for the ask <3

What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them?

The most notable thing is probably that she's a bit of a metalhead, which is something that (for most people) doesn't really fit to her shy and gentle personality.

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What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

Ufff hard to say.

Dolores didn't really have as much room to develop as she deserved yet. I've been kinda neglecting procrastinating her development a bit until she makes a proper appearance in Volatile.

When I initially created her however she started out as a replacement for an OC I scrapped a long long time ago. That OC was sort of a very plain love interest for Mel when I first started playing around in sims.

Since then Dolores devolved into more of a side Character, but at the same time she also became way more complex I'd say. She's also no longer a love interest for Mel (although she had a bit of a crush on him as a kid) That plot turned more into an introspection of her need for affection/approval in order to feel whole.

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Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

Dolores always makes me think of Creep by Radiohead (this cover version by Daniela Andrade in particular)

I would pick out a specific line but honestly the whole song perfectly describes how Dolores perceives herself in comparison to the people around her in my opinion.

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If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

Most definitely. Dolores reminds me quite a bit of how I used to be as a teenager, I have a lot of sympathy for her. And she's just a super sweet and kind person and very easy to get along with, if you don't mind her insecurities and her being a bit of a hermit, so I wouldn't see how we could not get along.

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How does your OC want to be seen by other characters?

She just wants to be liked and cared about, plain and simple. To her people showing any sort of aversion towards her is pretty unbearable so she tends to be a bit of a people pleaser, but yeah, she mostly just wants people to perceive her favorably.

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What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise

So many things honestly...but mostly her school time. She was a victim of bullying throughout most of it and never really had any friends, aside from Mel for a short time in elementary school, who dropped the friendship once they went to different schools leaving her completely alone.

Another thing would be her generally being emotionally neglected by most people in her life and never getting the appreciation and affection from people that she deserved as a child.

Also having the two of people she ever really had feelings for fall in love with each other. But that one hasn't happened yet in the story so I'm not sure if it counts ^^"

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What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

I never really thought about that to be honest.

To be fair, the way her life turned out up to this point wasn't really down to her or her decisions, quite the contrary I think. But...i think if her life circumstances could've been better, if her mother never got ill (which was the main reason she spent a couple of years in a children's home on and off) and she could have grown up in an environment with a better support system, it would have allowed her to become a more self assured and possibly happy version of herself, but she also wouldn't have any connections to my other characters, hence she wouldn't be part of the story.

Apart from that I don't really see many ways in which her life could've been that different.

[flightless-icarus]

A letter I will likely never send to my mother.

heavy tw on SA/rape mentions

I’ve spent countless hours reflecting on our last interaction. I’ve listened back to our therapy session many times. I’ve played it back to friends, and I’ve told other therapists about it verbatim. I know you life hasn’t changed despite knowing the atrocities my father has committed upon me. But mine has. It will forever be changed due to his actions, and your inability to act. Your inability to protect your one and only child.

I do not blame you wholeheartedly for his actions. I blame him for his actions. He did not need to rape and molest me. He did not need to harm me. He chose to do those things to me. Over, and over again.

You, however, chose to turn a blind eye. Maybe you didn’t know when I was young, maybe you hadn’t seen the signs. But I told you when I was 16.

I told you again when I was 18.

And again when I was 20.

And again when I was 23.

And again when I was 24.

And again when I was 25.

When I was 26.

And now when I’m 27.

You claim to “need time to process” what I’ve told you, but you’ve had now 11 years to process it. You’d have had even longer to process if you had taken heed to [NAME]’s warning about my father when I was 10. She told you then she thought something sinister was happening and you didn’t believe her.

I could understand you maybe not wanting to then, but continually denying your daughter safety when I told you myself that he was hurting me.

You chose money over my safety.

You chose drugs over my safety.

You chose a pedophile and a rapist over my safety.

You chose your own abuser over your daughter.

I feel sympathy for you, to a degree. Perhaps even pity. You and I are a lot alike. I think that’s why you don’t like me. I think you see what you could’ve been in me. I’m nearly 28 years old and I’m not saddled down to an abusive man and a 9 year old. I wasn’t unknowingly forced to take responsibility for a child of a man who claimed he “knew you’d be the mother of his children” when you were on a date with a woman.

Not the love of his life.

Not the woman he was going to marry.

But the woman he was going to fuck and impregnate.

How romantic.

He told me that story, I used to think it was romantic.

I think it’s pretty fucking sick now, though. That your sexuality was ignored, and the fact that he pursued anyway despite not knowing any better if you were a lesbian or not. Deciding that the first thought that went through his mind was that he wanted to put his dick in you. Not that you were pretty, or seemed interesting, or that you were someone he had an immediate connection with: but someone he wanted to stick his dick in.

I think he stayed with you because you were insecure and vulnerable.

That wasn’t your fault.

He took advantage of you.

However, what is your fault is the outcome of our relationship.

I’ve given you hundreds of chances to prove to me that I matter more than a pedophile and you’ve disappointed me every single time.

I have sympathy for you, I know you’re a victim of his as well.

But I’m a victim of yours, as well as his.

And I can’t continue allowing somebody who’s fully supportive of the man who ruined my life. I have sympathy for you, but not enough to hurt myself for your benefit.

I don’t deserve to have a mother who can’t even love me enough to separate from a pedophile. You said it yourself in our therapy session that you believe he was molesting me. I can get the clip of you saying that if you don’t believe me, because I know you’re love to backtrack when I tell you anything you’ve said.

But you said that. You said you believed me when I say he molested me.

If you believe that, why’s it so hard to believe he wouldn’t take it a step further?

Why’s it so hard to believe your own daughter?

You frame me as a liar because he’s framed me as one. Anytime you claim I’m a liar, you can never bring up proof of me lying aside from stupid white lies I told in highschool to avoid getting in trouble.

I wish you loved me. I wish you loved me the way I do.

I sit up all night thinking about how distraught and disappointed I am in how our relationship turned out. I’m even up writing this fucking letter I’m never going to send to you at 7:18am on a thursday morning, I never fucking slept.

I haven’t slept. I’ve been so sick and tonight wasn’t any different.

I’ve been crying all night

Everything feels like it’s spiralling and I wish I had a mother in my life that actually gave a shit about me and didn’t just try to manipulate me into liking her. I wish I had a mother who cared about me and was actually willing to make sacrifices for her daughter. I hope someday I have a daughter like me because I was so easy to love.

I was just a little girl looking to be loved, and looking to be safe; and you couldn’t even do that for me.

You couldn’t even support me when the same shit that happened to you,

happened to me.

You got molested

you got raped

but at least your family supported you

I got molested

and I got raped

but my family turned their backs on me.

I wouldn’t care so much if it was everyone but you, but even you turned your back on me.

I think what hurts the most about this is that I thought you and I were special. I thought because you and I were victims of his, we had a special bond. We had something that nobody else could break up— but I was wrong. You turned your back on me and you only ever look in my direction when you think you can manipulate me back into your life. You don’t face me to love me. You face me for your own benefit. For your own image; because if I’m speaking to you, and if I keep speaking to you… what I went though couldn’t be that bad.

Why would I ever speak to you or him again if it was?

I wish I could take all of my pain, and all of my suffering, and all of my memories, and all of my sickness, put it all in a box and ship it to you.

I used to say I wouldn’t ever wish how I feel on anyone, but I would wish it upon you and him. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I just had a normal set of parents, but his hands haunt me every night. I can’t sleep.

I can’t eat.

I can’t think.

I can’t do anything.

He disabled me.

He ruined me.

He used to speak about how I’m just undateable, but he made me this way.

He made me undateable.

He made me unfuckable.

Maybe that was his goal this whole time.

Maybe he wanted that.

I want this to end.

I’m tired of feeling this way.

[queeranarchism]

I'm gonna copy paste ALL those tags if you don't mind

#yeah #i feel there's once more a lot of the weird individualist consumer thought filtered through an 'the ends justify the means' mentality here #a lot of people seem to have this idea of moral behavior like some sort of scale where good intentions balance out bad deeds #and where a person's individual goals outweigh the harm they do in their misguided strive for a better position #(of course that sympathy is only ever extended to white cis etc people or otherwise people who defend your interests) #but here's the thing #i can grant all that the poverty the brainwashing the predatory recruitment tactics the lies etc #and the person who went to kill civilians still fucking killed civilians #your intentions your personal struggles your hopes and dreams don't change the fact that you ended the lives of people with hopes and dreams #if we give a pass to people who join the military because they wanted to get out of poverty then we have to extend that everywhere #'i'm sorry i broke your knees but you borrowed a tenner from the boss and my job is to break the knees of people who don't pay up' #'i'm sorry i shot and killed innocent bystanders while robbing that bank but i really needed the money and i didn't want to get caught' #like poverty is a central tool of oppression and control by the rich and powerful #just because you think it's more honorable to kill innocent people overseas to spread western imperialism than it is to rob a store #doesn't make it more justified it arguably makes it worse since murder is incidental in robbery in war it's the whole point #it's possible to look at the motives of all people who do heinous crimes and agree that they probably thought it was a good idea at the time #that is not the point #if you're waiting for a cartoon villain who does heinous deeds for shits and giggles before you can condemn something #you'll be waiting for a long time #even the most awful people do bad things for what they personally in their life situation surely see as completely justified reasons #it is easy to see one's own personal situation as the default situation for everyone and make moral judgements based on that #but ultimately actions and consequences matter more than good intentions #if intent was the end all be all we could never judge anything as harmful since everyone has a reason to do things #we have to extend the analysis to the victims and ask ourselves #from the victims' perspective does it matter if the person shot them because they love massacre or because of another reason #this is not to say there is no nuance but again i would argue that being in a bad situation yourself is no free pass to harm others #especially if the intentions are 'get out of a bad situation by killing others and helping rich people get richer and make violence worse' #'i had no choice' is not enough if you carry out orders of the execution of others

I do wanna add that there's a very simple reason why a lot of people forgive soldiers for murder-for-money when they would never forgive any other murder-for-money : they've deeply internalized the idea that foreign lives are of less value than their own life.

In my opinion, that's the core of it. The only way you can be in solidarity with soldiers is if you don't really see their victims as people.

Of the Americans who fought in Korea or Vietnam, none were "innocent" by virtue of having been drafted. The moral choice there was to either dodge the draft, defect to the other side, or frag the guy giving orders. Anyone who chose otherwise was a criminal and a murderer. And once the draft was over and the army became volunteer-only, all the excuses vanished. Yes, there are people who were in Iraq or Afghanistan or Syria who regretted it, but regretting your crime doesn't undo it. That's just the minimum requirement for being a decent human being in the aftermath.

To everyone who says "you leftists can't go around hating on the troops, don't you want them to join the revolution?" I say "why would they join us if they couldn't handle being told the truth about the genocidal terrorist organization they volunteered for?" If their reaction upon hearing people call the US military murderers and terrorists is to deny or equivocate or rationalize their participation, then they're not yet fit to be a revolutionary. If we're trying to dismantle the imperialist warmongering empire that continues to use its might and influence to murder millions around the world that is the United States, what good is a person who balks at the notion that the troops who volunteer to pledge their lives and their loyalty in service of this empire might be complicit in its crimes?

An American soldier or veteran who is not ready to admit they were wrong will not be any more ready to join us if we lie to them and say they made no mistake in joining the US military. We only weaken our own messaging and our own position if we refuse to condemn not just the US military as an organization but all those who continue to participate in and defend its actions. The troops are not innocent.

[bluewinnerangel]

hi there,

i hope this is the right place to share my story. i ended up on your blog because i have been trying to work through some things that have happened in my past and my research has brought me here. i wouldn't call myself a larrie per say but I have been doing a lot of reading in this space and a lot of what i read has resonated with my experience, so i thought i would share because i feel like my perspective would help a lot of people here understand the mechanics of closeting a lot better.

the bottom line is, i was a beard. i'm from a northern european country and what you would call conventionally pretty. when i was in my early twenties i tried to make a living through modelling and the odd bit of acting. never anything international or anything that would make me recognisable, but for a couple of years i made a decent living through it and managed to work my way around my country's entertainment industry quite well. about a year in, my management company suggested i went on a few dates with one of their clients, who was an up and coming singer (ironically, he had started out on a reality singing tv show). at first i thought they were trying to actually set us up, but it became pretty clear to me that he was gay and closeted. we spent more than a year and a half "together", while his career was taking off. i could go into more detail about contracts and stuff, although stakes for us were much lower than what we're discussing on this blog, but i am bound by an nda so i really wont go into any details about the relationship.

what i came here to say, though, is that i think a lot of people see the relationship between a closeted celebrity and their beard as something black and white, a purely transactional exchange between two people that despise each other, and its really not like that at all. i spent more time with my "bf" during those two years than i did with anyone else in my life. we traveled together, i spent time with his family, went to a lot of his shows - that life can be quite lonely and we actually became really good friends through it. when he won an award, i was genuinely happy and moved for him. when i saw the pictures taken of me crying of joy, it wasn't an act. we spent a lot of time together that wasn't for the cameras, pretended to be a couple even at private dinners or events. only a handful of people knew we weren't a real couple, and that includes only one of my very close friends at the time. we shared a room and a bed. i think people here look at what is happening with harry and olivia wilde and think that they don't spend any more time together than what is put on the internet, and i know for a fact that it's not true. i also know for sure that they are not a couple, i look at them and see my past, clear as day. two people bound together by an agreement, who at least partially enjoy each others company, but who are not romantically involved. i think people here spend a lot of time looking for hatred and disgust in their interactions, and i don't think you will find that. what you'll see is two adult coworkers making the best of a very unusual situation.

now, i'm not here to defend olivia wilde. i don't know her and don't particularly like her, and the time i spent with someone closeted has given me endless sympathy for people who are in the same situation and much much less for those who even partially take advantage of that (me included, though i cut myself a bit more slack because i was young, naive and also very much a victim of an abusive industry). but i do see in her things i used to feel, and i thought it might be interesting for you all to understand that. there was a specific period of time, when my "bf" was at the peak of his very shortlived career, where i really got lost in the illusion of being the girlfriend of a star, and i lost myself for a bit. when i would walk in a room with him and everyone stared and envied me, i liked that. i felt like i was most desirable, most enviable, to the point where i almost forgot that our relationship wasn't real. it wasn't being with him that was special to me, it was being perceived as his gf that gave me the biggest thrill. it became almost an addiction, i was near the stage at his shows every single time, and when i see olivia wilde doing the same i see myself. i think she knows, intellectually, that she is not harry's partner, and that this has an expiration date, but for people who live in the public eye and that are severely narcissistic like she is (and to an extent i was), the public life is the only one that matters, so in a sense if she is perceived as harry styles's girlfriend then she will BE, in her heart of hearts, harry styles's girlfriend, and i imagine that is a pretty addictive feeling.

i hope i didn't bore you with this and that you understand my goal in sharing this with you all. there is no point in overanalysing their interactions or in projecting your dislike of her onto harry. he probably likes her well enough, and will also be completely fine once their contract ends and they go their separate ways (my hunch is that it will be soon but who knows). i know that nuance is not big on the internet, and these are ugly feelings to open up about, and god knows i do that enough in therapy. but i see what you're all doing here and i know it is painful and can feel hopeless. all i can offer is, you're not wrong. you're not conspiracists. this is how it works, but since it's real life it's all a lot more nuanced than it looks.

ps my former "bf" is now very happy with his partner. he's not out publicly but has been out in his private life for a while now. we still see each other every once in a while. it gets better :)

.

[gwaaaaar]

fma word vomit!1! Mostly a rant bc i have been rewatching it and thinking about things. Fma critical but i am ranting from a place of i genuinely want better for a media i like. I am a person of color and these are my thoughts personally, feel free to disagree.

Iirc, hiromu arakawa wanted fma to be a criticism on ainu colonization as she had ainu family and wanted to pay her respects to them. Which is Awesome in concept, i think its important to want to make something out of compassion and respect for others. I think she had good intentions when creating the base morals of her story.

(Edit, apparently shes yamato and not ainu, i only heard that she was distant ainu from an interview or something but yeah thats probably wrong so sorry abt that)

Heres where the problem kicks in.

Sometimes she does it poorly, really poorly. "Ignorance isnt a sin" but what happens when that ignorance hurts people?

Fma is in the end a story about redemption and humanity. It is a very idealistic /optimistic view of the world. And sometimes that wide-eyed optimism is blind to reality.

Enter the entirety of the amestrian government. One thing i HATE HATE HATE, is the fact that the white characters are given more sympathy than scar, a colored man who had his race brutally genocided by those characters. Roy and gang do feel bad for what theyd done, theyd felt bad about their war crimes their murders their sins everything. He himself says scar was justified in his violence. And edward, a 15 yo twerp was like "thAts nO exCuSe."

This is where the optimism comes in. "Murder is murder! All murder is bad!" Thats a genocide victim. Of course when scar goes after literal children and decides to solve all his problems with violence, thats when hes losing it. That should be disconnected from the whole government corruption bit.

And then winry. Winry comes in, cries her eyes out and shes the victim. Scar went through worse quite literally. And we dont see him get afforded that. And in a way, it feels like white woman tears. I can understand why winrys upset but jesus have some empathy would ya?

The main problem i think, is how little ishvalan characters there are, there isnt enough to have a full story. There isnt enough to see their pov. Its just roy and the gang and armstrong. And doesnt olivier get mad at alex at one point for not participating in the genocide? Stan alex for not wanting to kill people and backing out, wish other characters could say the same huh?

Maes. Maes. Grips him. Maes.

He doesnt give a shit about the ishvalans, what he was a loving dad but does he ever care abt his literal war crimes? Probably not. He only cares about roy.

In the end its an idealistic world where cops would actually work against the system. There always was something unsettling about the way the goverment worked and i think its because it follows the lines of "not all cops are bad!" Which, which isnt true.

Cops are bad because they promote and enable a system that was corrupt in the first place.

FMA technically goes against the grain with that, because the "cop" characters do go against the government. I think its important to have an ideal to work towards. I think its important to have positive examples, and fiction is a playground. Its a literal fantasy to get a corrupt government overthrown. But having that hope somewhere, may be good. Because at least we can hope for a better future. Roy and his gang work towards a future where they would get sentenced guilty which is a good thing i wont deny. I think its good that they fight for that.

Im not here to talk about that.

This combined with the fact that only white characters have a truly active presence in overthrowing the government (besides scar vs bradley that was awesome and very good), it just feels, unsettling.

Its like making a movie abt the civil war only to have white people star in it ignoring the black people that did work for their liberation.

(If thats an uncalled for comparison let me know ^^ i can edit it, its just the closest i can think of)

White characters and their emotions are always getting prioritized over colored ones and its alarming.

Then theres the whole if you work hard youll get something in exchange.

Hahahahha if only it really was like that for the majority of minorities hm? The world really would be a better place. 2003 fma you actually did something with that.

I dont think fma is entirely bad, it does good things sometimes! And i appreciate the message it tries to portray, i just think it has its priorities askew sometimes...

[robininthelabyrinth]

Same universe as the one where LXC kills JGY on a boat to not-Japan. JRS-centric as he grows up in the Nie clan and deals with his reputation as an inbred son of a traitorous bastard.

so I don't think I've ever written a fic in which LXC kills JGY on a boat, and definitely not one where JRS is a character? I mean, I've written a lot of fics, so possibly I did and I forgot, but I'm pretty sure about this one.

That being said, I don't think I've gotten any Jin Rusong prompts before so I'm reinterpreting this to be a prompt for a fic about JRS growing up in the Nie clan. Fic below!

ao3

-

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, Nie Huaisang reminded himself. Risk is proportionate with reward. Your spine should be made of steel, just as your saber is.

He licked his lips, thought of his brother who had loved him, and threw himself forward with tears in his eyes.

“Oh, gongzi!” he blubbered. “Can you help me? I’ve gotten completelylost, I don’t even know where to begin –”

Xue Yang blinked at him, the lids of his eyes moving slowly like a reptile.

“Maybe you know where my san-ge is? Lianfeng-zun?”

The feeling of immediate threat lessened. It seemed he’d gambled right, and the rabid dog that was Xue Yang could still be controlled by reference to Jin Guangyao.

“I’d really appreciate it if you could just give me some guidance on where to find him,” Nie Huaisang said, lowering his voice confidentially. “I’d be sure to pay you back! If there’s anything you want –”

“Do you have any snacks?” Xue Yang asked.

Nie Huaisang, who had come prepared based on the rumors he’d painstakingly collected, produced some dragons’ beard candy.

“Not bad,” Xue Yang said. “Okay, sure.”

Nie Huaisang smiled, and even meant it.

-

“Hey, good-for-nothing,” Xue Yang said, and Nie Huaisang turned to look at his least favorite but nevertheless highly useful source of information in Lanling Jin. The fact that Xue Yang had no idea that he was functioning as such just made it more satisfactory. “You like kids, right?”

Nie Huaisang blinked. “Yes?” he hazarded, not so much because he actually did – he’d never had strong feelings about children one way or the other, though perhaps he was being presumptuous in thinking that the reference did not involve goats – but because that seemed to be the answer Xue Yang was looking for.

Xue Yang wrinkled his nose in distaste, though not, Nie Huaisang thought, at him.

“Theoretically,” he said, and he wouldn’t know ‘theoretical’ if it hit him in the face, “if there were, I don’t know, a whole bunch of them hanging around somewhere without parents, you’d be able to do something about that, right? Especially if they had a talent for cultivation?”

It took only a moment to piece together what must have happened to lead to such a question, given the ruthlessness of the cultivation world and of Jin Guangyao in particular, and Nie Huaisang marveled briefly at the idea that Xue Yang might draw a moral line in the sand over something. Presumably he felt some kinship to the children, being similarly utterly infantile, amoral, and fond of sweet things.

“Oh sure!” he said, playing up the brainless idiot who didn’t know to ask questions. “My sect is always recruiting, you know. We took some losses in the war and, well, I feel like adult cultivators aren’t really all that interestedin joining ever since I took over…”

“Because you’re a waste of space,” Xue Yang said, and Nie Huaisang pouted at him. “Whatever, the important thing is that you have space for kids. Orphans. Think, like, a whole orphanage getting shut down or whatever – anyway, not important. You’d take them back to Qinghe, right?”

“Oh, that would be so wonderful!” Nie Huaisang clapped. “That would suit everyone, wouldn’t it? They don’t have to worry about the children, and we get new disciples. I should tell san-ge – no, on second thought, he might be too busy –”

“Definitely too busy,” Xue Yang said quickly. “Wouldn’t it be nice to accomplish something yourself? You could casually show him that your numbers went up at the end of the month instead so he gives you the credit, without explaining that it’s kids making up the increase.”

“That’s a great idea! He’ll be much more impressed by that, I should definitely do that. Where is the orphanage?”

“…uh, in the forest. The back forest.”

You couldn’t come up with a better lie?

“You already brought them here?” Nie Huaisang asked, batting his eyelashes. “You’re so nice, Xue-xiong! I’ll go tell my second in command to go deal with it right away!”

-

It was in the fifth round of kids getting picked up – small cultivation clans being massacred and there was nothing Nie Huaisang could do about it, because there was either no evidence or else Jin Guangyao had come up with some motive to justify his actions and, inevitably, Lan Xichen would be there behind him, soothing over tempers and providing explanations because he believed him, every time – that something unusual happened.

“Sect Leader Nie,” one of his most trusted subordinates murmured into his ear. “There’s a problem.”

Nie Huaisang found a reason to leave the party early, a reason to go to the rendezvous point, and, once there, found the reason for the problem.

“Oh, hey there,” he said with a smile fixed onto his face by sheer force of willpower, crouching down to make himself seem less intimidating. Not that he was ever particularly intimidating, though given the rage coursing through his veins right now, he thought he might be able to pull it off if he tried. “What a lucky chance! It’s so funny, finding you here, Songsong. How are you?”

Jin Rusong wiped his eyes and looked tearily at him, recognized that the person asking was his Little Uncle Nie, and threw himself into Nie Huaisang’s arms with a howl.

This was pretty typical – Jin Rusong wasn’t much of a crier, but when he did he definitely took Nie Huaisang as his model, something all the other adults in the cultivation world had a tendency to give Nie Huaisang dirty looks over.

The only problem here, of course, was that Jin Rusong was dead.

Or, rather…he was supposed to be dead.

And if Jin Rusong was here – here, in the rendezvous point where Xue Yang put those of his prospective victims that happened to be a little too young for even him to stomach killing, at least without the personal grudge that had driven him to slaughter the Chang clan in its entirety – that meant only one thing.

Jin Guangyao had ordered his own son to be murdered.

Through demonic cultivation, no less, which was a pretty nasty way to go. There was a reason everyone implicitly countenanced Jiang Cheng’s vendetta against demonic cultivators no matter where they were, even when he ignored all territory lines and forgot to not ask for permission – the things a demonic cultivator gone bad could do were just so much worse than what anyone else could that they couldn’t risk any delay in dealing with the problem.

Well, shit, Nie Huaisang thought, even as he comforted Jin Rusong, petting the toddler’s back to try to get him to calm down. What do I do now?

-

“There has to be a reason,” Nie Huaisang insisted. “He’s not rabid. Songsong was his son!”

“Sect Leader Nie, we can’t find anything that might explain it.”

“Look harder. I don’t care how minor it is, I want to know everythingto do with Songsong. Every little detail – every person who saw him – every medical report, every compliment, every good grade –”

“He placed last in one of his classes,” one of his spies volunteered.

“What?”

“He placed last in one of his classes. About two months before his ‘assassination’, and shortly before his father started collecting evidence against the other sects that were in his way, which he later used to ‘prove’ that they had been involved in the alleged murder.”

“He wouldn’t kill his son for failing a class,” one of the others objected. “The kid’s barely more than a baby. What’s he expecting, genius from birth?”

“He’s a genius himself. Why not?”

“If everyone inherited everything directly from their parents, he’d be a whore.”

“He’d be a Jin. They’ve all got that nose, every one of them…”

“I heard he’s having the other Jin bastards killed. All of them, even the women…”

Something snapped in Nie Huaisang’s hands.

They all turned to look at him.

“Investigate Qin Su,” he said, looking down at the mess of wood and paper that had once been a fan. “Come to think of it, she has a Jin nose, too.”

-

“I don’t want to go!”

“I don’t want you to go, either,” Nie Huaisang said, feeling tired and also much more in sympathy with his poor older brother than he’d ever been while Nie Mingjue had been alive. “But you disobeyed me, and that means we don’t have a choice. You have to go.”

Nie Songsong looked down at the ground, his lip quivering. “I didn’t mean to…”

“You did,” Nie Huaisang said. “You have to own your decisions, Songsong. You can’t take them back once they’re done, no matter what the consequences. Not even if you feel bad, but definitely not because you feel bad for having to pay for what you did.”

“But…”

“No, Songsong. You cannot be in the Unclean Realm when – when he’s here.”

Nie Songsong hung his head.

“He’s not your father anymore,” Nie Huaisang said. “You know that, right?”

Nie Songsong nodded.

Nie Huaisang sighed and held out his hands, and his arms were full of a teary-eyed child a moment later.

“He loved you once,” Nie Huaisang murmured into his child’s hair. “I love you now. I wish I could give you more than that – I wish I could give you an answer, tell you why he didn’t love you enough to keep from doing what he did. But I can’t. All I can do…”

Is what I’m already doing.

“You’re enough, er-ge,” Nie Songsong whispered back. “You’re enough. I promise.”

-

“When will I get to go night-hunting?”

“You go night-hunting all the time,” Nie Huaisang grumbled. “You’re a fraction my age, and already my height, my weight, yet you wield a saber like my brother was around to raise you properly. You’re ruining my reputation, you know; now no one will believe that my incompetence comes from how short I am…”

“Not night-hunting with the rest of the sect, er-ge,” Nie Songsong said, rolling his eyes. “With other juniors!”

“Not long now,” Nie Huaisang said, looking down at the paper beneath his hands. It was all finally coming together. “Not long now. Just give er-ge a little more time to finish taking care of matters for da-ge, and you’ll be able to go night-hunting with anyone you like.”

-

“Er-ge! Are you all right? You look so pale…”

“I’m sorry,” Nie Huaisang whispered. “Songsong – I’m sorry. I’m so sorry –”

“What happened? Are you injured?” Nie Songsong demanded, already starting to pat him over, looking for wounds. “Er-ge, what’s wrong –”

“Your mother’s dead.”

Nie Songsong’s hands stilled.

“I told her about your heritage,” Nie Huaisang said, his lips numb. He’d never tried to hide it from Nie Songsong, although he’d introduced the subject very gradually and only once he thought that he’d be able to handle the revelation. “About your father – your grandfather. What they did. I wanted her to be angry at him, to turn against him, to distract him…instead, she killed herself.”

“Er-ge…”

“I shouldn’t have told her. If I knew –”

“Er-ge.”

“I should have brought her in earlier – told her about you surviving – I kept her from you for years –”

“Er-ge!”

Nie Huaisang looked at the child he had raised as a little brother the way his older brother had raised him, a father in everything but name, and who he had the constant feeling of having failed.

He wondered, as he always did, whether his brother had felt the same about him.

“Er-ge, it’s all right,” his little brother, his adopted son, said, and took his hands in his. “It’s all right. You tried, remember? Time after time, you tried to talk to her, but every single time you concluded that she would’ve told her husband instead of trusting you. She would’ve ruined everything. If she did that, I’d be dead all over again, and you with me.”

That had been what Nie Huaisang had concluded. That was why he’d never told her.

But…

“She’s your mother.”

“And you’re my er-ge. As long as you don’t die on me, too, it’ll be all right. Okay? It’ll be all right. It’ll be worth it in the end.”

Nie Huaisang shook his head. He’d already done so much, caused so much chaos and strife, and yet this moment – this was the step too far.

This was the first time he realized that he wasn’t sure he believed that it would be worth it anymore.

But by now…what else was left to do? There were no ways out of the plan he’d made himself; he’d designed it that way on purpose, because he’d known that if there was a way out, that snake would find a way to slither through it. He just hadn’t thought that he would be the one looking for it.

It didn’t matter.

He had to keep going.

His older brother deserved it, even if the younger one didn’t.

-

“I represent the Nie sect,” the young man – just about their age, though shorter than either of them – said with a smile. He seemed kind, gentle and polite, easy-going, but Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui looked at each other, and then at Jin Ling, who just scowled. “Can I come in?”

“Were you even invited?” Jin Ling asked in bitten off words. He was still bitter about some of the things that had happened in the Guayin Temple a month before, and of all them the one he was most bitter about was his second uncle’s retreat into seclusion – they were all upset about that.

“But it’s a discussion conference,” the young man said, blinking in confusion. “We’re a Great Sect. Why wouldn’t we be invited?”

In the face of such profound ignorance, there really wasn’t very much they could say, and eventually Lan Sizhui stepped forward with a smile, welcoming the young man – Nie Songsong, he introduced himself – into the Cloud Recesses.

Everything seemed fine for a little while. Lan Sizhui was able to talk to the people in charge of arranging juniors into finding another place for Nie Songsong to stay, although it would be a little delayed – Nie Songsong assured them that there was no issue – and as recompense they even showed him, at his request, a few of the main landmarks.

And then they turned around and their guest had disappeared.

“I knew he was up to no good!” Jin Ling exclaimed.

“Don’t jump to conclusions,” Lan Sizhui told him.

“I’m with Jin Ling,” Lan Jingyi said. “He seemed so nice and understated – just like you know –”

“Don’t talk about my little uncle,” Jin Ling hissed at him. “I know it’s true, but just – don’t, okay?”

“We should find where he went,” Lan Sizhui decided.

It took them a while, but in the end they found him in the most unexpected place: in the rooms their sect leader had chosen for his seclusion, sitting on the bed with Lan Xichen’s head on his shoulder, sobbing as if his heart had been broken.

“What are you doing?” Lan Sizhui exclaimed, unnerved even out of his own habitual politeness.

“I came to greet my uncle,” Nie Songsong said, his manner just as gentle and polite as it had been from the beginning, although it was now evident that he was as stubborn as a rock and not easy-going at all.

“Your uncle?” Lan Jingyi gaped. “How can he be your uncle?”

“You’re Sect Leader Nie’s son!” Jin Ling accused.

“I’m Sect Leader Nie’s little brother by adoption,” Nie Songsong corrected. “It’s through my father that he’s my uncle – and you my cousin, I suppose.”

“Your – father?”

“Oh, yes. My birth name, you see,” Nie Songsong said, “was Jin Rusong.”

-

“Why did you choose to reveal yourself?” Lan Sizhui asked. “Given that everyone knows – well –”

Nie Songsong finished the character he was writing and put down his brush. “Wondering if you should let it be known that you were born with the surname Wen?”

Lan Sizhui jerked in surprise, then flushed. “How did you – that didn’t come out in Guanyin Temple.”

“No, I knew it before,” Nie Songsong said. “My er-ge is very clever, you know.”

“Yes, I suppose I do...why do you call him brother? Shouldn’t he be uncle, or – or –”

“Uncle is probably right,” Nie Songsong said. “But he raised me like a son, just as his brother did for him.”

Lan Sizhui looked down at his hands.

“Why did he publicly reveal your background, knowing that you were still around?” he asked again. “Everyone will know. Who your father was, all those terrible things he did, his relationship with your mother –”

“Why shouldn’t he? He did do all those things, and he did have that relationship with my mother.”

“But what about you? What about your reputation –”

“Are you planning on sweeping Wen Ruohan’s grave?”

Lan Sizhui stared at him.

“He’s your grandfather, isn’t he?” Nie Songsong looked calmly back at him. “Who he was, all those terrible things he did –”

“That’s nothing to do with me!”

“And the crimes of my father are nothing to do with me. My er-ge gave me his surname, just as Hanguang-jun gave you his, and for the same reason – to cut us off from the sins of our original family.”

“I suppose that’s true. But – no one knew about you, just as no one knew about me until I told them, and I only told them because they were my friends. Why’d you tell us? Aren’t you worried we’d tell more people?”

“Of course I am,” Nie Songsong said. “I hope you don’t, of course, but you would’ve found out regardless – second uncle wasn’t exactly subtle in his grief. And I had to tell him.”

“Why? To bring him out of seclusion?” Lan Sizhui hesitated. “Do you care so much for him?”

“Of course not. The last time I met him, I was a small child, and my father was just about to order me murdered; that’s not much of a basis to build a relationship. But having him lock himself away like that, as if he were in mourning…it hurt er-ge. And I won’t let anything hurt my er-ge. Anything, or anyone.”

They looked at each other for a long moment.

“I understand,” Lan Sizhui said.

“I’m glad you do,” Nie Songsong said, and then smiled. “I would’ve had to escalate to threats next, and I’m given to understand that I’m too short to really pull them off properly.”

Lan Sizhui snorted. “I think we’ve all learned that that’snot true.”

-

“Should we talk about this?” Jin Ling asked, arms crossed over his chest and glaring.

“What do you want to talk about?” Nie Songsong replied.

“How about the fact that your father tried to kill me?”

“Sure. Can we talk about the fact that you got all of his affection for years and years after he tried to kill me?”

Jin Ling blanched.

“I wonder if he would’ve gotten me a dog, too,” Nie Songsong mused. “I was too young for that when he ordered his demonic cultivator to feed me to fierce corpses and have my body ravaged until it was barely recognizable…but sure, let’s talk about how he tried to kill you.”

“I was talking about Sect Leader Nie!”

“Well, then, you should have been more specific. Sect Leader Nie’s my brother, not my father.”

“He’s a whole generation older than you!”

“My little uncle, then.”

Jin Ling flinched. “That’s worse. Go back to calling him your brother.”

Nie Songsong shrugged. “Would it help if we fought?”

“…what?”

“It makes me feel better, sometimes. Besides, I may be short, but I’m pretty good with the saber. I bet I could match your sword…maybe not your arrows. But I’ve always wanted to try.”

Jin Ling looked at him suspiciously for a long moment.

“Okay,” he finally said. “Sure. Why not?”

-

“I really hate that you’re kind of cool,” Lan Jingyi told him.

“I am so cool,” Nie Songsong said, and passed him another jar of wine. “Want to see my spring book collection?”

“…yes please.”

-

“Thank you for taking care of him,” Lan Xichen said to Nie Huaisang, who shrugged. “I’m sorry that you couldn’t trust me to help.”

“It’s only what I should have done,” Nie Huaisang said, not for the first time. He’d said it so often these past few days that it felt like a new refrain, an alternative to the old I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. He preferred the original. “I was his little uncle, remember? I held him on his first month party. How could I do any less?”

He did not say that Lan Xichen, who could be classified as Jin Rusong’s older uncle, had done much less, but from Lan Xichen’s expression, he’d taken it that way anyway.

“You never…” Lan Xichen hesitated. “Did you ever have any – concerns?”

“That he’d turn out an idiot? No. I figured he’d be in good company, with me.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“Oh, you meant whether I was worried that he’d grow up longing for his blood family over his adopted family and turn against me in favor of his real father?” Nie Huaisang asked mildly. “No, not really. The memory of your father ordering you to be mauled by fierce corpses and to make sure your face is destroyed so that there’s a reason to refuse to let your mother see the body, as it would only upset her, is a fairly effective panacea against things like that.”

“No,” Lan Xichen said, though he looked sick all over again at the reminder of how considerate Jin Guangyao could be when it came to those he thought of as people, and how monstrous he was towards those he didn’t. “No, just – your brother always took such a hard line against the Wen sect…”

“Because they were raised with the philosophy that they were superior to the rest of us and my brother purposefully made himself into the symbol of their fallibility, thereby making himself and all the rest of us the primary target for their traumatic realization that they’re just as weak and vulnerable as everyone else,” Nie Huaisang said, rolling his eyes. “Our Nie sect cultivators were always especially targeted whenever we were captured – our survival rate as prisoners of war was less than half all the other sects, and it wasn’t just because we were usually more injured when we got caught. Even the civilians surnamed Wen would pull out knives and try to stab us in the back if they had half a chance! We were in a blood feud with them, er-ge. You don’t put down blood feuds just like that, not even if you want to. That’s not how it works.”

Lan Xichen nodded slowly, thoughtful.

“Anyway, Songsong is mine now,” Nie Huaisang said. “Just as Lan Sizhui is your brother’s, and Jin Ling Jiang Cheng’s. Can’t we all just agree to not care about the rest?”

“I suppose we have to,” Lan Xichen said, bowing his head. “Huaisang…did you ever think about what happens now? I mean – what should we do next?”

“I don’t know,” Nie Huaisang said, and smiled humorlessly when Lan Xichen looked at him. “I’m not joking. I didn’t know what to do when I got Songsong for the first time, er-ge, and I don’t know what to do now, either. I just wanted to see justice done for my da-ge, and I did, and for the rest – I don’t know.”

“That’s fine,” Lan Xichen said. “I don’t know, either.”

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, Nie Huaisang thought. Spine as steel as your saber.

“Would you like to come visit the Unclean Realm sometime?” he asked, pretending to be casual. “Perhaps we can figure out what we don’t know together. If you like.”

“…perhaps I will,” Lan Xichen said.

[writingwrittenwriting]

It had been an interesting run, that's for damn sure, and now things were coming to a close. I couldn't do much about that now so I might as well enjoy the ride. I'd made my choices, burned my bridges, and nuked a few in the process. It's amazing what you can get up to with a burning grudge, a little magic and a lot of cash.

I'd had a laundry list a mile long, and just this morning I crossed off the last name while drinking the chunkiest damn coffee of my life. Grainy slop suited my last job like flies suited shit. A chaser that matched that bloody meal. Forty three names, forty three adventures, and forty three catastrophic acts of mutually assured destruction. There was no way I could go back to any kind of life now. My picture was being aired internationally, my name spoken in languages I'd never even heard of. My head was worth millions.

But that's bound to happen when you take down every corrupt official and power player responsible for what ended up being the debacle of the century. Hell, I'd say the greatest debacle of the human race. Their greed and apathy had led to the death of just under a billion confirmed. Among them, my closest friends. And not just them, countless innocent and powerless people just trying to make it day to day. People who couldn't afford to escape, and those without the power to do anything about it.

Starting my rampage, I only had six names. I didn't know how deep the rot went. But with every interrogation, every desperate attempt to shift blame, every murderously spat set of last words, more names were added. At first I'd only thought hundreds to be lost. Then thousands. Millions. Nearing the tail end of this ass of a beast, billions were exposed as victims. I was seeing red, the shit these people had done. Supplying weapons to both sides of warring factions so they'd wipe each other out. Trading human beings like baseball cards. Signing death sentences in business deals for nothing more than money. Their sins were never ending, the things I learned were endless. Every time I thought it couldn't get worse, it just got so much worse like a bad cartoon.

A never ending list of crimes, and forty three people leading the rings. None of them were easy to get to, so I'd promised my soul, tainted and dirty, to the devil himself. He gave me the skills I needed to complete my mission. The means to do the impossible and seek my revenge. The rich and unknown, the powerful and famous. All of them fell, their body guards and private armies did nothing to protect them. All the control they had, the world was truly in chaos now. But sometimes you have to burn the diseased trees for the healthy seeds to grow.

Long adventure to a close now, I was standing in front of the great devil himself, blood on my hands. Blood probably in my ass crack too with the absolute gore show I finished with.

"Well old friend, I'm done. Shows over." I let my guns fall, I'd have no use for them now. The weight of this whole venture finally fell on me, so I sank down to my knees with a tired chuckle and set my hands on my lap.

"Lets hit the road before the feds catch up." Jokes aside, I was too tired to really care anymore. But here the devil was looking down at me with something like sympathy. What the fuck, why was he dragging it out? Didn't he have shit to do? People to tempt?

"Do you know what my job truly is, warrior?" He asked in a soft sad tone, one of a man who had truly found the point of exhaustion yet had no choice but to soldier on. I shrugged my shoulders, sighing softly.

"Why ya dragging this out, man? I mean... You're the devil, you torture the assholes who end up in hell, you take the souls of the desperate and greedy. What of it?" He eyed me curiously before crouching down into a squat, his tail weaving through the air behind him like a dancing snake.

"I punish those who commit evil in their lives. Those who never repent for their horrible actions. I give an eternity of suffering to the ones who live their lives off the suffering of others. The souls I take, there are two types. Those so desperate and in such deep suffering, I give them a strand of hope. The other type are those who are twisted with evil. I give them the power that becomes their downfall so I may take them sooner. You were in the former group. Seeing what you did to those people, punishing those who lived on the suffering of others. I see much of myself in you."

Well, I coulda been speechless. The devil telling me he sees himself in me. That couldn't be a good thing, could it? But it made sense in a twisted and fucked kind of way.

"So you think we're alike, I still gave you my soul. I'm still damned. I'm done now, you might as well take whats left of me and get this over with. I aint got all day now, you know. Hah. I probably have ten minutes until someone catches up to me. I'm fucked, so let me make good on our deal." Still he stared at me, before he offered his hand.

No clue how giving a soul away works, I took his clawed gnarled hand and let him pull me up onto my feet, knees shaking like a hooker on new years day. To my surprise, he pulled my arm over his shoulder and lifted me, guiding me through a glowing red door and into the hottest driest room I'd ever sweated in.

"Our deal is for your soul. However, I'd like to offer a amendment to our contract. Only if you agree, as our contract is signed and I shall honour it if you so choose." A table with a chair on both sides appeared, like an interrogation room. He helped me into one, then disappeared to reappear in the other.

"I'm listening" What other choice did I have? Besides, you never know what you might get if you agree to a deal with the devil. I was curious, not going to lie.

"I don't want your soul, you don't deserve what would happen to you if I were to take it. Instead, I want you to join me in hell. As an assistant if you will. You're clever, you have a strong sense of justice. I want you to take down the type of people you're already so adept at hunting. Make deals with them that lead them to their deaths. Work with me."

Well fuck, I was flabbergasted. I didn't expect that. The devil recruiting me? Wasn't that a bad thing? Why did it feel like I'd be doing good, working for the devil. I stared at him like he'd just offered me a timeshare.

"What?" He waved his hand, our contract appearing on the table.

"You sign the new deal, you go back to Earth with a new face. New powers. You continue your work, taking out the people who think they can take what they want with no consequences."

"Well shit, that sounds great and all, but what's the catch?" Staring at him curiously, I frowned in thought. He took a deep breath, let out a long sigh.

"You're going to see the worst of humanity for a long time. It will never end. You'll feel such exhaustion, like you've never known. No matter how hard you work, it will only continue to get worse. You'll wish you had no soul."

The emotion in his voice... Something ancient and exhausted. I looked at the contract, already I felt so tired... Could I do something like this? Continuing to rid the world of those assholes sounded like a dream job, but the devil sounded so burnt out. Was this worth it?

"Ah hell, I've already given you my soul. I might as well. At least I'll still get all the hotdogs and chili I want on earth." I dabbed my finger in the blood that was starting to dry on my nose and smeared it on the contract. Dramatic, yes, but I couldn't hold a pen. A fingerprint would do.

"You're going to regret this. Thank you." He truly sounded as though he meant every word. I just snorted, acting tough.

"Mom always told me I could grow up to be whatever I wanted. Might as well be the devils assistant."

As the end of your deal with the devil comes to an end you summon him once more to hand over your immortal soul, you knew what you were getting yourself into from the start and despite it all you are satisfied to end it this way… only the devil seems weirdly reluctant to take your soul now