#my therapist takes it seriously and hasnt questioned me but i just feel like shes humouring the crazy girl so ill listen to her

[silverislander]

i'm so fucking tired man i really am. barely did half the work on this paper i needed to do today and i just feel so fucking useless

[loominggaia]

crass question incoming: why hasnt lukas killed himself KJDKSHJFKJD (this is in the context that he struggles with suicidal thoughts/tendencies?)... like, glad the guy is somehow finding the will to live, but he just seems really miserable all the time so, what DOES motivate him to Live Another Day

I think that's a perfectly fair question! Lukas has had many ups and downs throughout the series. In my opinion he reached his lowest point in "Divine Executioner", and while he does have his moments of weakness here and there, he's been on an upward trend ever since that story.

I think the events in that story made him realize that his depression wasn't just hurting himself, but the people he loves too. That was the kick in the ass he needed to start taking his recovery seriously. If your vibe is so dark and terrible that you attract the Divine of Tears herself to you...yeah, it's time for serious intervention. Lukas doesn't care about himself, but he does care about his friends, even if he struggles to show it.

The theme of that story was "darkness attracts more darkness". Lukas realized that the only way to stop spiraling was to turn and face the light, make positive changes in his life even if he didn't believe in them, and then more light would eventually follow. Now, as of the story "Pig Bait", he's finally starting to reap the seeds of change he sowed. He's able to open up and be more honest about his feelings, and in return, he's able to build more positive relationships with others.

So what kept Lukas going before then? I would say hope. He had a lot of hope when he was younger because he hadn't experienced much of the world beyond Uekoro. His mother was awful to him, but he had hope that he could leave her and her abuse behind one day. So he fled Uekoro with his lover Itanya...then Itanya died, and to add insult to injury, Lukas was enslaved by bandits shortly after. This enslavement lasted weeks and his hope was quickly dying. Towards the end of "The Perfect Shot", he was ready to give up and kill himself because his escape attempts kept failing and he saw no other way out of his horrible situation.

Then just in time, Evan arrived. Like a knight in shining armor, this random mercenary arrives and rescues Lukas from the bandits. Evan expected nothing in return and extended his hand in friendship. It was the only kindness Lukas had known since he lost Itanya, and just like that, his hope was restored. He once again believed that he could have love and happiness, that he could build a life worth living after all.

Lukas and Evan developed a very, uh, "passionate" relationship. They loved eachother just as much as they hated eachother. They brought out the very best and the very worst in eachother. This passion kept Lukas trucking onward because he cared about Evan, though he was becoming jaded and cynical about life the more he experienced it. He buried his emotions instead of confronting them because confronting them hurt too much, and his mental health began a long, slow decline. He was gradually losing his hope again.

This decline finally came to a head in "Divine Executioner", but the story "Allmother's Gift" is where we see Lukas really making an effort to turn things around. He agrees to see a therapist, and this bit of dialogue between them says a lot:

  The doctor hushed him. She paused, letting him gather his composure before she added, “That elven girl must have been very important to you.” “Itanya was everything to me,” [Lukas] replied quickly. “She was the only thing that made my miserable life worth living!” “And yet you persist,” grinned Dr. Jan, steepling her knobby fingers under her chin. Lukas took another deep breath and sighed, “Barely. I don’t know what keeps me clinging on like this. I guess I’m just waiting for something to change, but it never does. Look at me, I’m in my forties now! Still bitching and whining about things that happened decades ago! Decades! Gods, what’s wrong with me?” “There is no need to judge yourself,” the doctor advised. “How can you overcome your pain when no one has taught you how? Clearly your parents were not fit for the task, but that is why I’m speaking to you now. Forties—bah! You’re a child in the eyes of the cosmos! It’s never too late to conquer your demons.”

Lukas has depended heavily on others in the past to keep him going. Evan, as well as his other friends, have always supported him even at his worst. Now he's trying to love himself enough to stand on his own two feet and support himself.

TL;DR: Lukas is tethered to this mortal coil by the power of good ol' hope and friendship. He doesn't really want to die, he just doesn't want to hurt anymore.

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost