#my therapist also at one point like 5 minutes in was like I’m sorry but I can’t take my eyes off of your beautiful sweater have you made it?

[linguenuvolose]

Today in therapy I… cried of relief while laughing… most bizarre thing I’ve experienced I was like what’s this hahah

[nian-7]

hiiiii!! can i request a platonic and romantic matchup for hypmic please?

zodiac - sagittarius

mbti - istp

hobbies:

- drawing (especially doodling, my books and copies are filled with mini drawings)

- collecting coins

- collecting cute stationary

likes:

- music (vocaloid and video game music)

- video games (especially gacha and rhythm games)

- fanfics

- doing makeup at random times of the day and for no reason

- rambling to my friends

-helping others

dislikes:

- spiders (i have arachnophobia)

- having a routine/plan for things

- people who force me to open up to them/tell them my secrets

- most foods, i’m quite picky

personality:

if i had to describe myself, i’d say that i’m quite unique. i’m like the basic introvert, quiet and reserved and try to make a good impression with new people, but with old ones or my friends, i’m crazy and unpredictable. my friends describe me as someone funny who always livens things up (but they also jokingly call me mentally ill at times when i’m acting goofier than usual). i haven’t actually met many people similar to me, and not everyone gets along with my humor so i don’t have many friends. i don’t like sticking to the rules most of the time, especially when they restrict my freedom. i ramble to my friends a lot and i’m similar to the therapist friend, as even when my friends text me even one line of them not doing okay i do whatever i can to make them feel better. i’m also quite expressive, if you stared at me for 5 minutes you would be able to tell exactly what i’m doing and how i’m feeling about it.

i think i wrote a lot sorry 💀

dw! i think it's a pretty normal amount but the more info the better! enjoy!

I match you with... (platonically)

Kuko Harai!

-Mr. Rule Breaker 1 here. Decided to match you with him platonically just because he'd fit better as your friend rather than partner. He'd have a lot of fun with you to put it simply.

-The fact that you don't like rules that'll restrict your freedom means he can drag you along with him when he decides to break those rules.

-Both of you are quite expressive in your own ways and that's partly what makes the friendship strong. The fact that you guys are able to know how the other is feeling usually pretty easily.

-Truly, Kuko doesn't care how you act and doesn't try to pry on things you don't want to talk about. He just simply accepts you as his friend and lets you come to him if you need him for something.

-He'd like your collections too, always pointing at a few of the newer ones to ask where you got them or what it's supposed to be.

-Even though he can be a bit rough around the edges, he's honest and has good intentions behind his words. It'd be a chaotic friendship that's for sure.

I match you with... (romantically)

Samatoki Aohitsugi!

-Mr. Rule Breaker 2 here. Reason he's romantic though is because he'd pry but learns to be considerate enough to know when to back off. He pries because he cares and wants to make sure you're okay.

-He likes that you're expressive because even he can have a hard time reading faces or emotions so being able to know how you feel is a good plus for him. Samatoki wants to know that you're comfortable with him rather than scared out of your mind that he'll do something when he really won't.

-He kinda just lets you do your thing when you're chaotic and doesn't really go along with it too much but sometimes he also wants to have fun and I think you'd be able to bring out that side of him.

-Probably would just give you a disappointed look when you make a dumb joke but he can't help but try to cover up his laugh when you do because well, somehow you make the jokes he doesn't understand a little bit funny.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

so, my dad had some doctors appointments yesterday so we can just kinda see where he’s at with all of this and what the next step is and i felt pretty confident based on everything we’d been seeing and everything i’d heard from my therapist as well as reading about this that the next step was going to be to order in home hospice care but apparently!!!

we’re doing physical therapy

i guess we’re...gonna see if he can get a little stronger, maybe then see if he can do some more infusions i guess and just go from there?

i dunno

i just feel confused and maybe this is just like...his denial about the whole thing powering him through this because i’m looking through the list of “what it looks like when someone with cancer is dying” and he’s checking several of the boxes but instead of preparing for that i guess we’re just going to push it to the absolute limit, i guess ??

and it sucks because i was just seeing on facebook someone from high school who’s also going through this with a parent and like...hers is at the point where her mom is having to have fluid drained off her lungs every week and she’s absolutely miserable and it’s just awful for everyone involved, especially her mom, but like....i get why she’s trying to power through it, because she’s still fairly young

my dad turns 77 this year

and we’ve asked him over and over again, “is there anything else you want to do before it’s time? any trips? visit with anyone? anything?” nope!!

he’s already done everything he’s wanted and lived a wonderful life

and by no means am i saying, “okay, great, so get the fuck out of here, then!!!” but like...he’s said over and over again he wants to keep his dignity intact and not have it be a miserable march to the end and i can’t help but feel like that’s what we’re signing up for here

i know my mom said emotionally she’s not ready for this to happen right now and i think he’s in denial as well, but like...guys, that’s not going to make it stop, i’m so genuinely sorry about it

and it sucks because it’s at the point where this 24/7 caretaking is taking its toll on my mom (and me, but to a much lesser extent) and it’s like...she goes back to work in a few weeks and i’m the one who’s having to pose the question, “are we at least going to consider getting home healthcare to come in to help him while you’re at work or am i supposed to do it?” and there’s no plan of action for that, but yeah, let’s have a dying man push his body physically and i guess that’ll magically fix everything? 

it won’t

i’m not saying it won’t be nice for him to at least be able to walk by himself (because he can’t right now) or that it wouldn’t be of any benefit for him to do a few arm curls with a 5 pound dumbbell but it just feels like denial is winning the war on reality and i’m the one person who sees it and it’s making this whole thing even more confusing and frustrating

maybe i’m wrong, maybe this will help and he’ll get strong enough to go back on his infusions and then he’ll go back to how he was before which was yeah, still stuck with this shit unfortunately, but like...more or less “normal” and able to like....walk from one side of the room to the other without immediately needing his oxygen and an inhaler and a breathing treatment, y’know?

i dunno.

i guess we’ll just see what happens and figure something out as far as getting him help, because regardless i just don’t feel comfortable being the only person here to watch him while she’s gone

i’m not a nurse and i have a physical disability; if he were to have some sort of medical emergency or fall down i don’t know what i would do and i think the closest medical facility that has an emergent department is at least 30 minutes away so like...i would really prefer having someone here who could help with that

literally the other day he asked me to hand him one of his medicines to take and like...i don’t know what the fuck this shit is or what it does or what can mix with what and fortunately my mom was there to be like, “hang on a second, you don’t need this right now; this is going to do such and such” and had to explain to him that it would cause him more problems than what it would have fixed so like...i almost wrecked his whole fucking day and he asked me to!!!! he didn’t know, but neither did i so like....please

we’re supposed to have a family friend and his wife that are going to move their camper onto our property so they’ll be close by if we need extra help, but they both have jobs as well and ones that take them outside the house and one of the friends has already offered to amend his work schedule and cut back his hours just to help us so there’s that, but still, neither of them have the medical know-how to help with this and one of them has serious health issues herself so she doesn’t need to be stressing herself out because she could literally die so like...yeah

it’s just a lot and i love my dad, i do, god fucking knows i am torn up about the possibility of losing him, but at the same time it’s like...we have something many people (and in my own history especially) don’t get which is the gift of time and awareness

we know that this is happening and we can prepare for it because we know

i didn’t have a chance with Ashley, but i get a chance to prepare for this one and accept it with as much peace and grace as possible while also doing everything in my power to help him go the way he wants to with his dignity and in as little pain as possible and yet it’s like....mmmm, no Anna, everything’s fine, we’re just going to continue on!!!

like okay, but....he’s never going to go back to the way he was before. even with treatments, even with physical therapy, i can see it. even if no one else can or wants to, i can see it. quite frankly, i can smell it, too. it’s not strong and i know the man showers, i’m not saying “ew, he stinks!” but like...death does indeed have a smell and when i get next to him or hug him i can smell it

maybe i’m wrong, maybe he’ll make a miraculous turnaround and kick stage four lung cancer/COPD/emphysema in the ass and live for another ten years!!!!

but i don’t think i am and i really, really need everyone else to get on board with me and accept that because the sooner they do, the easier this will be even if it’s still the hardest thing in the fucking world

i’m sure at some point i’ll have to do what i always do and play the role of truth coming out of her well to beg everyone around me to accept reality and there will be the resistance that there usually is and i’ll be told i’m wrong like i usually am and then when things play out almost exactly the way i said they would and we end up almost exactly where i said we would we’ll have the exact same conversation of, “you were right and you tried to tell me” once again but i’d love if it we could skip that part and just....all get on the same page because i am so fucking tired of carrying grief by myself

it’s like that one quote about how pain gets passed around a family until someone is finally ready to feel it

i’m usually that someone and i think Ashley was that someone before me but neither of us has to be and i hope to god that’s not the case here 

all of that said, my therapy is indeed paying for itself because i am taking care of me today

i slept in pretty decent, i went and got some yummy food and a fun drink and dessert and i’ve just taken some good edibles and will make my way out to the pool in a little bit

today’s a self care day and i will continue to if nothing else prioritize my mental health and physical well being and lean into those who support me and are there for me and will accept reality even if i fucking hate it because i’m taking care of me and i think i kinda like me a little bit so there’s that !!

also, i finally have a week off coming up soon which is my first vacation in like 8 months that i won’t be dog sick during so whatever happens i will at least not have to worry about clocking in and out and goddamn referrals and stupid emails and whatever else!!

hope if you’re reading this you’re having a good weekend and doing something nice for yourself today <3

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Promo Eddie - costume analysis

My costume mind is spinning and spiralling out of control! no costumes to analyse for an age and then they drop a promo with some non uniformed goodness and I go feral - as in write a n epically long costume meta based on 5 seconds of footage! 

There might only be a couple of teeny tiny moments, but they’re good! another is so much grey and beige going on - like soooooo much!! I’m putting it under the cut because she got looooong!!

Eddie in the dark

It’s really hard to tell you much about this, other than the fact that he’s wearing black and black has so many connotations with depression (think black dog etc etc) the black t-shirt with the grey bedding the stark cool lighting which is all shades of grey and black and darkness. It’s all deliberate and its all screaming depression nightmare - its darkest before the dawn etc etc. Having experienced plenty of them myself, I know they’re not fun, however I look back now and I know how important they were to my healing - the unconscious and semi conscious mind show you your truths and fears and its only when you spend the time to understand them and accept them that you can progress and that is what that one second clip is giving me! 

Can I also point out that Buck was in a black tee with grey bedding when Eddie came to pull him from his depression in 3x01...

Frank!!

Firstly - Franks office - it is stark and barren and we’ve lost the big leafy foliage from Eddies S3 visit to Frank, however much of the rest of it is the same (or very similar) the big grey painting is the same, we now have more files (there’s more to unpack and sort though metaphor anyone!)  and the lighting is different - the lighting was warm toned in s3, now it is very much cool toned (much like we’ve seen at key moments elsewhere in s5!) which makes everything look bare - empty. (I super lightened the picture above so I could see Eddies costume more clearly but it doesn’t change the fundamentals of how Franks office is lit)

Franks clothing is an interesting one - he is screaming vet to me (i’ll come back to this in a minute) the green/grey/brown trousers, the beige cardigan, the layering, the pale grey/blue jumper, the CHECK shirt (also in beige tones) the beige and grey of his office, again with the cool white lighting. He is the very definition of neutrality and safety - both in person and his space. that Eddie has chosen to go back to seeing Frank, rather than find a new therapist supports this - it shows that frank is a safe space for Eddie to explore his trauma and deamons and shows that maybe Eddie clicked with him better than he thought back in S3!

the olive green/grey/brown trousers - they’re smart suit trousers, but they have undertones of military about them (the fact that he’ resting his hand on them is drawing my eye to them!) in fact they’re pretty much the colour known as olive drab - a colour used in American WWII and Vietnam war army uniforms, 

Drab as a term originally meant natural undyed cloth made from wool, it is a dull light brown colour but over time its meaning conflated to dull, lifeless or monotonous as a descriptive term more generally. Sorry - got side tracked by word etymology! Olive drab is more on the brown side of the spectrum than green and so general brown meanings apply - namely, stability, approachability, reliability, honesty and wisdom- all things you definitely want from a therapist!

then we have the greys and beiges 

the grey/blue v-neck jumper - so a combination of the two colour meanings - neutrality, detached, calming and trustworthy - security

the beige cardigan - bulky and protective with a rolled collar - beige is a colour of comfort, it is neutral and plain, it is meant to be soothing and relaxing, whilst being warm - a combination colour of yellow brown and grey - so while it is considered a boring or ‘non colour’, the shade of Franks cardigan steers more towards the yellow end of the spectrum and away from the grey making it more lively and warm and pushing it in line with my favourite colour meaning - yes that yellow of communication. And what is a therapist if not for communication!

and lastly - the check shirt - In my check theory the check is usually worn by the person who is about to experience the trouble or trauma, but here because Frank is a therapist, we need to view him as an extension of Eddie - as his psyche if you will (this also holds up with our previous Frank encounters - check suit jacket in 3x09), so the trauma/trouble is eddies, but the great thing about my theory is that all those wearing the check/plaid pattern get some form of resolution at the end of an episode or arc - we’re not generally left wondering if they’ll be ok or what happened next -we generally see them moving on or accepting what has happened to them (when they’re central to the story of the firefam and not just a random rescue)

So if we look at Frank as an extension of Eddie and combine the olive drab trousers, the check shirt, the blue grey jumper and the beige cardigan, we’re left with some hints as to Eddies psyche and what we’re going to get to see him exploring on screen - his military background (hence Franks look screaming vet at me like I mentioned earlier - Eddie is a vet ergo Franks look needing to suggest it too), the need to communicate, the resolution of his trauma as well as the concept of safety and security and what that means or looks like.

Then we have the actual Eddie in Franks office

Man oh man - he is grey and black - and not just his clothes! I already replied to an ask from @mandzuking and said this; ‘Eddie is definitely looking depressed - the messy hair, the bags under his eyes, the off pallor to his skin (props to the make up team), the stubble, the looking utterly exhausted and drained, the slouched position that screams of a man who is going through it and somehow Ryan has managed to make his face look what I call 'depression bloated' - I look back at pictures of myself when I was at my worst and lowest and its the same bloated look on my face - hard to explain, but I've not seen Ryans 'Eddie' face look like that before, so its making me so unhinged.’

There is also his posture - when we see him in s3 in Franks office - he is sat upright - he looks alert and engaged (in a semi defensive/ combative manner) whereas now  he’s still in an open pose, but he is very much the definition of a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders!

But back to the clothes we can see his grey button down henley, grey/black denim shirt, black jeans (i think)and boots/shoes plus his watch is on display (although I can’t tell which watch it is because my image isn’t high enough quality for zoom to be any use! Eddie has been trending dark and black/grey wards - not completely, but the lighter colours have been slowly disappearing from his wardrobe and we haven’t seen him in anything light coloured since 4x12 - when the treasure hunt was coming to its end and pre sniper!

I said in an earlier post that Eddie only has his henleys buttoned up fully when he’s trying to protect himself otherwise he tends to wear at least 1 button open. the choice of a button up henley is deliberate - he doesn’t always wear them with buttons, usually when they’re trying to say something about his open-ness - so at important or key moments/scenes (think about breaking with Ana or the 118 is the family we chose - moments when he’s revealing his true thoughts/feelings.

The worn grey/black denim shirt - it’s him layering - something that s done for protection, but it also implies the concept of peeling back the layers (if we get to see more therapy sessions with Frank than just the one in the trailer, I fully expect to see both Eddie and Frank reducing the number of layers they’re wearing - especially Frank - as Eddie works through aspects of his psyche and trauma) but the choice of denim is also interesting because it has its roots in being a working mans fabric - suggesting the idea that Eddie is working - putting in the work and this ties in with the other times we’ve seen him in a denim shirt - moments when he’s putting work into something (moving away from Texas, Shannon returning, visiting Abeula in hospital - which is about him putting in the effort to put Carla in place to free up pressure on Abeula, Post tsunami Buck - there’s no one I trust more…) the fact that it is worn just adds to this - the session we’re seeing is clearly not Eddies first session with Frank this time around, so we can assume the work has been going on for at least a couple of sessions and they’re beginning to get somewhere - hence the worn look of the shirt!

the black jeans and the boots just add to the idea of Eddie being in a dark place

The interesting thing is that we can pick up a few parallels with other characters and their struggles; 

Athena in 1x02/3 when May OD’s is in a black denim shirt, worn open (she’s also wearing a watch in this scene and she doesn’t do that very often!)

Buck’s therapy session 1x02- worn and holey denim, the use of layers - Buck is discovering new things about his character, but the big holes on buck show a short term - immediate reaction type of depression - kind of like the idea of a blade cutting a hole in fabric so its an immediate damage, while the soft wearing of Eddie’s shirt shows more of a long build up - slow wearing away (pebbles on a beach becoming sand)

Maddie is the only one in layers in the therapy montage from 3x09 and she is the only one we see continue on with Frank, both Eddie and Hen are in single layers.

When Maddie goes to confront her trauma in the place it happened - she is wearing basically the same colour way as Eddie - grey turtleneck, dark grey jacket black trousers

so yes they might have only given us a few second to go feral over, but it was plenty to unhinge me more than I already was! Right I’m back off to embroider (I’m not sure i’m going to get it done before the start of 5b!) and be unhinged!

tagging; @fiona-fififi @prettyboyandthekid @moniquekatie @oneawkwardcookie @mandzuking17  @leothil​ @eddie-diass​ @reallysmartladymariecurie​ @adamsparirsh​ @theladyyavilee​ @talespinner230​ @lovecolibri​ @mistmarauder​ @diazchristopher​ @localbitcheddiediaz​ @ktinastrikesback​ @kitkatpancakestack​ @trashendence​

[festiveferret]

Post-It (Tony/Bucky)

Read it on AO3

"Tony!" Bucky shouted, unable to keep his voice level anymore after ten minutes of pointless arguing around the point. "Just tell me what's wrong, god dammit!" 

"You're fired!" Tony yelped, then he went very, very still.

Bucky blinked at him. He knew what you're fired meant, objectively, but in this context, it made no sense. He'd been working at SI for fifteen years. Tony Stark might technically be his boss, but he was also one of his best friends. He wouldn't just do that out of nowhere, surely? "I'm what?"

"You're fired," Tony repeated, less confidently this time. "Or… promoted?" He swallowed hard.

"What?"

Tony deflated like an old balloon and sunk backwards onto his office couch. He pressed both hands over his face with a groan. "I don't know."

Bucky crouched down and gave Tony's knees a squeeze. "Tony, just tell me what's wrong. You've been weird all week."

Tony's face reappeared, a little splotchy, his eyes tight and unhappy. "I don't think I can work with you anymore, but Pepper won't let me quit."

"You tried to quit? It's your name on the sign out front. There's a three foot high portrait of your face in the lobby."

"Yeah." Tony sighed. "That's what Pepper said."

Bucky tried to push down the sudden ache in his chest. All these years he'd been slowly but surely developing feelings for the man in front of him. What started out nearly antagonistic had turned into begrudging respect, and then friendship, and then… well whatever it was now. Unrequited love, Bucky supposed. He hadn't thought the friendship was unrequited though, but Tony seemed to want to push him out of his life with no warning except a week of cold shoulders and darting out of rooms Bucky walked into. "So you want to fire me instead?"

"No," Tony insisted, but then his face twisted up. "Maybe. I don't know. Maybe you'd be happier somewhere else."

"Something makes me feel like this isn't about where I'd be most happy working. This is about us, isn't it? Do you not want to be friends anymore?"

Tony's deep, brown eyes stayed fixed on Bucky's as he nodded slowly. But it felt like a gunshot to Bucky's chest. He swallowed three times in rapid succession, as if he could push the pain down somewhere where it could be ignored. "Oh," he managed, voice shaky. "Okay."

"I think… I just think it's best if we don't work so closely together anymore. I - I saw the post-it you left for Steve, and friends just doesn't feel possible."

That one felt more like swallowing a brick. Suddenly, it all made sense. The post-it he'd stuck on Steve's keyboard a week ago after a particularly torturous meeting. He'd had to sit there, silent, while Tony showed off his brilliant brain, wowing everyone, in perfectly tailored pants. Bucky was hopeless; he barely made it to 5 o'clock that day without cornering Tony in the elevator. It had taken almost the entire weekend to cool down again. He'd gotten too laissez-faire with the post-its, never expecting anyone else to read one let alone understand, but Tony was a genius, and he knew Bucky almost as well as Steve did. 

| Sometimes the feelings are just so obvious I want to scream. Fuuck. How is this my life?? |

It was his outlet, usually. If the way he felt about Tony became too much, he'd scribble it down on a post-it note, as cryptic as was possible, then stick it to Steve's keyboard or monitor, or lunch bag, or, occasionally, his forehead. It kept things safe, secure, locked up inside him instead of spilling out all over Tony and ruining their friendship. Exactly like what was happening now.

Bucky slid back, releasing Tony's knees and sitting back hard on his heels. "Right. Okay. You don't have to fire me. I'll quit." He took a shaky breath. "I'm sorry."

Tony made a small, helpless noise like a mouse being stepped on and one hand jerked out towards Bucky then fell down again. "Please don't quit. I'm so sorry. Please don't quit. Don't - don't leave m- Just stay. I'll figure it out. I'll talk to my therapist. I'll get over you. I'll stop all the annoying fawning and flirting and stuff. I'll step back from R&D and make sure I don't have signing authority over any of your performance reviews. Please just -" Tony thumped down on the floor in front of Bucky, their knees nearly touching. "Don't leave."

Bucky slowly but carefully wound back everything Tony had said. Twice. "Huh?" was all he could manage.

"Buck -" Tony reached out and did touch this time. He let his fingers ghost lightly over Bucky's wrist. "I'm so sorry."

"Wait. What do you mean by 'get over you'?"

"I - I mean I'll deal with my feelings. However I have to. And make sure I process them or whatever so I stop, you know, bothering you. Upsetting you."

"Your feelings."

"Yes." Tony sounded exasperated now. "The ones that have you so upset you're writing notes in class and sticking them to Rogers' spider plant! The ones I thought I was doing a pretty fucking good job of hiding, but apparently not. The ones that are making this a shitty work environment for you."

They were silent for so long that Bucky wondered if people could just disconnect like video calls did. 404 - no Bucky found. The honking of a horn on the street outside broke him out of his daze. "What in the ever loving fuck are you talking about? The post-it wasn't about your feelings. Nothing you're feeling or not feeling is upsetting me. The post-it is about my feelings. The ones I'm crap at hiding. That's what I was complaining to Steve about!"

Tony's bottom lip slipped between his teeth, and he chewed it for a moment, pondering that. "Are we both huge idiots?"

"Kinda seems like it."

"I've been in love with you for like the past two years," Tony confessed, all pushed out in one breath. "I'll stop if you want me to, but I don't want you to leave."

"I've been in love with you for like the past four years, and a team of fucking wild horses couldn't stop me. And I'll never leave as long as you want me here."

Tony dove forward, and Bucky caught him in a tight hug, their faces pressed into each other's shoulders as years of tangled feelings bubbled up and burst out. After their breathing had settled a little, Tony twisted his face up, eyes bright and wondering, and Bucky cupped his cheeks and kissed him, pouring in every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year that he had wanted exactly this.

Then the door opened with a sudden creak and Steve stuck his head in. "Tony, do you think I could -" He froze.

Tony and Bucky froze. 

There was no way to cover up the fact that they were sitting on Tony's office floor, in the middle of the work day on a Thursday, making out like high schoolers who had just discovered sixteen more uses for tongues. Bucky had absolutely nothing to say.

Steve sighed. "Fucking, finally!" He threw one hand in the air in exasperation, then swung the door closed with the other, leaving them alone. 

There was an awkward uncertain moment, then Tony burst out laughing. "Well that takes care of that."

Bucky reached up and rummaged around on Tony's desk until he came up with a rainbow post-it pad and a pen. He scribbled on the top, blue post-it, peeled it off, and stuck it to the centre of Tony's chest. "And hopefully that takes care of this."

| I love you, you idiot. |

[freetobeafcknriot]

slowly making my way through jake's panel and not even a minute in he's already going all out with innuendos lmfao i love him. i'm gonna use bullet points.

he's mentioned the odd couple spin-off for michael and adam again when someone asked him what kind of uncles michael and adam would have been. his reply: “fancy cool cute uncles. [...] i wish they were my uncles. i'm my own uncle!” aw ♡

okay i love this one, so, Q: “adam as a character kind of had a lot of mistrust with people and kind of betrayals, like during season 5 or when he came back. which character do you think he would punch hardest in the face?” jake: “i was gonna say god! i think that’s fair, i think he’s so close to michael that he’d be like, ‘Hey! Asshole! You mess with my ‘‘uncle-buddy’’, you mess with me.’ uh, yeah i think he’d punch chuck in the face real hard and he would have michael’s power when he did it. he’d be super pissed, like—” [insert onomatopoeic sound idk how to convey lol] 

oh someone asked him a neat thing-y (no it’s not a/b/o territory yet) !  Q: “if you were to write a supernatural story set in an alternate universe when everyone is human, who’s gonna get together, how raunchy is it, like—“ jake: “you shouldn’t use my imagination, you said it’s an alternate universe, which set me up and i was like going places. but they have to be human?” Q: “oh, they don’t have to, if you really don’t want them to be human, you’ve got other ideas. i’m not saying—“ jake: “you’re good! [...] i think we can piggyback on the odd couple sitcom idea, i think it’s definitely the way to go and yeah, you bet your butt it’s gonna be raunchy. the whole pitch— that’s my whole pitch, like, much like my panels the show’s a little horny. not inappropriately sooo! but we’re gonna ride the line a little, alright? Gotta Make Some Things Canon! yeah, so it would be— and as far as our physical form, hhm! we should be something. we should have tails or something. i’m not joking, i’m Not going There, stop saying that. [moment of silence] that’s it! :D” OKAY YOU MENACE.

off topic but i want the confidence of the girl who greeted him by saying 'hi bestie! :)'

anyway she asked him which one of his line would benefit from the f-word in his opinion and he ended up going with "since when do we get what we fucking want deserve," LITERALLY YEAH.

he got asked which character was more fun to play — a demigod and an archangel — and on one hand jake said michael never got to fly (we were robbed for that. assuming that he wouldn't have turned out like the au!michael vs lucifer mid-air fight lol) whilst luke did, but on the other hand he played two people in the same scene and that was also a lot of fun. "i got to work with my favorite actor, scene parter, he made me better i think i made him better," LMFAO

Q: "i was just wondering how you feel about adam being left behind in lucifer's cage, especially with how often dean and same are trying to save each other and then they just kind of rushed right past adam." jake: "yeah it's pretty shitty! it's a Pretty Shitty thing to do—forget about your brother. however, I Think the time spent between adam and michael was not wasted..." i'm sorry what. "and i honestly think the relationship— uh, i joked about wanting to be run over [by a bus. it's a joke about his coming back before s15 happened lol], but it was really fun to explore that close relationship that they had. i think that's like, it was really a unique thing to explore; this bond that was created, the fact they probably went insane together and then like... was each other's therapist. like got a grip on reality again. yeah, pretty messed up. appreciate it."

Q: "if you had a choice, what hair color would michael and adam dye their hair?" it's so funny :'D jake's answer is: pink mohawk for adam, and michael would probably just dye his hair darker. like the deepest back that's not available to humans.

Q: "what album or artist do you think adam would love, like, his favorite movie?" jake.exe has stopped working lol he didn't know right away so he asked the fan and she said she's a taylor swift fan, "so i think he's a sucker for Red," and jake agreed and added that, "adam thought he liked 1989 but then Red came out," then thought about it and said it would be a music compilation from '1998 reunion - now that's what i call music'.

... y'all, A/B/O time has come lol

LE CHAOS.

HIS FACE.

THE "you're welcomeeeeee," IN THE CROWD.

okay. i refuse to transcribe everything, but the question was about michael and adam's secondary genders lol. jake: "here's the thing! i hadn't A Clue what [stnads] meant when she—michelle sent that to me. i googled it. i took that bite from the apple of knowledge, and now i cannot take the taste out of my mouth. so, yeah she sent it to me for approval, she said, 'hey what d'you think?' and i was like, 'ehm, let me look this up,' and then i did. and i was like, Fucking Go For It! [...] okay so, who would be the alpha and who would be the omega. i think we all know michael would be the alpha, do we not agree?" (cue sounds from the audience) "we think Adam is the alpha?" (i should have been there i'm cackling. someone said 'because he keeps michael in check!') "... okay, now you changed my mind."

someone made a daddy joke about it, but i didn't get it so like, okay to each one their own. i still disagree and thought he got it right the first time around.

okay, he's talking about the natural-born killers episode a director pitched for him in season nine, we all know the one — with michael and adam on the road. we were robbed.

a fan is talking about a theory where adam is actually raphael's true vessel because he was pre-med and there’s a theoretical fourth brother somewhere out there. what makes me laugh is jake saying we'll had him to the sitcom and going, "another younger brother?" / "yeah we should have that," / "no we shouldn't. there can only be one alpha."

jake: i might just actually write that as a non-supernatural thing. not a bad idea! someone in the crowd: make it a fanfiction and pitch us it! jake: calm dowm.

alright, there is a whole lot of fun stuff going on and it's funny, like he and his brother thinking hanson were pretty girls and then finding out they’re actually pretty boys. also more a/b/o discourse. and he made his dean voice and went, "daddy's here," and "daddy's home."

Q: "since adam and michael spent a lot of time in the cage, of all the activities that they did to keep themselved busy what do you think was the dumbest?" jake: "grow a mustache and blow dry it."

Q: "if adam ruled hell, what's the first thing that he would change?" jake: "the elevator music would have '1998 now that's what i call music' on the loop because it still has to be a little bit like Hell. i think hell has elevator music."

and that’s it, that’s all folks :’)

[shemarmooresfedora]

Sugary Sweet Apologies

Summary: You and Reid never really got along but when he saves your life, you decide to be the bigger person and thank him and hopefully start over. Unfortunately, it isn’t that easy.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Content/Warnings: light to mild angst with fluffy ending, swearing, spencer reid being an annoying bitch, brief mentions of case stuff (if you watch cm, you should be fine)

A/N: this is for @willowrose99 ‘s 1 year anniversary on tumblr writing challenge!! congrats! i literally wrote and edited this whole thing in less than one day because i got so excited, anyways i hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 1.8k

“Reid and Y/L/N, go to David Whitney’s house. He was the therapist of two of the three victims. He could have some insight into the victimology and know of any overlap between them. He has no criminal record of past aggressive behavior but we can’t rule him out as a suspect entirely,” Hotch stated.

“Hotch, you stuck me with her yesterday for the geographical profiling. Send Prentiss with her instead,” Spencer whined.

“I don’t mind going with Y/L/N. She is a great partner in the field,” Emily glared at Spencer.

“No. Reid, go with Y/L/N or be taken off this case. I’m a unit chief, not an elementary school teacher. I don’t have time for temper tantrums,” Hotch chided.

“Fine,” Spencer grumbled as you grabbed the keys to an SUV.

You don’t know what it was but ever since you started at the BAU four months ago, Spencer had never liked you which resulted in you disliking him as well. Everyone else on the team was super friendly and welcoming but Reid always was jabbing snarky remarks your way like “I don’t have time to explain it to you” or “This was in the FBI handbook. God, you need more training.”

Luckily, the others were quick to defend you. Once Garcia even heard him snip at you over the phone and as soon as you all got off the elevator after the case, Reid was being dragged by his ear into Garcia’s lair with him going “ow ow ow” behind her. So, you didn’t really pay much mind to him because you could deal with one annoying know-it-all to have such an amazing job with great coworkers minus the one.

“Look, I’m not happy about this either,” you said as you climbed into the driver’s side of the SUV, “But at least I’m not being a whiny bitch about it and being rude to the other person’s face.”

“Oh wow, I’m so sorry that I hurt your feelings,” Spencer mocked.

“Fuck you, Reid,” you shook your head.

-

David Whitney was on edge the second you arrived and showed him your badges. He was bouncing his leg up and down, he couldn’t sit still, and he kept avoiding eye contact.

He knew way too much about the other victim that wasn’t even one of his clients but you didn’t have anything solid on him. His house seemed very neat so you doubted he kept anything incriminating here. Organized offenders usually have a secondary location. So, you decided to push his buttons a little.

“I mean blitz attacks, leaving the bodies on the side of dirt roads,” you combed through the crime scene photos, “This guy was a real coward.”

Spencer picked up on what you were trying to do and his eyes widened, he was subtly shaking his head and mouthing “no”.

“Excuse me?” David asked.

“Well, I’m just saying a real man wouldn’t cower in the bushes and blindside a woman. He must not be very strong,” you stated, “He probably can’t even get it up.”

Before you even had time to react, David pulled out a switchblade knife from inside the couch cushions and put you in a chokehold, pressing the cool metal up to your throat. You closed your eyes tightly.

“David, you don’t have to do this,” Spencer stood with his gun pointed at you both.

“This bitch insulted me,” he snarled.

“She insults me too. That doesn’t make you any less of a man,” Spencer spoke carefully, “Just put the knife down and I’ll escort you out.”

David sighed, dropping the knife to the floor and releasing you.

Spencer put David in handcuffs and walked him outside as reinforcements came running in.

“Are you okay, Y/L/N?” Hotch asked.

“Yep, a little shaken up but fine. Thank you,” you stood.

“Let’s get you to the medics,” Morgan grabbed your arm to support you as you walked over to the ambulance.

Spencer never checked on you.

-

You knew your decision in the field was a little rash and you wanted to thank Spencer for essentially saving your life.

However, there was no way in hell you could verbally get out an apology while staring at his smug face, but you could bake. You settled on a note tucked inside a tupperware container of your Grandma’s special recipe of chocolate chip cookies. It was a good peace offering, maybe even a chance to start fresh.

During your lunch break, you took the tupperware from your desk drawer and approached the break room where Reid had entered about 5 minutes ago.

“I’m just saying I could not have been more clear in my message to her that it was too dangerous but of course, Y/L/N didn’t listen cause Y/L/N is going to do whatever she feels like,” Spencer stirred his coffee.

No one had noticed you standing in the doorway yet.

“Reid, you’ve got to be nicer to her. She earned her spot here just like the rest of us,” Emily defended you.

“Did she though? How much do we really know about her? She couldn’t even tell me how many pages the FBI protocol manual was,” Spencer said.

“That’s not a normal thing people know,” Morgan retorted.

“Well, I’m just saying the team was perfectly fine before her and it would probably be better off if she left,” Reid finished.

Garcia looked up from her yogurt to see you standing there, “Oh, Y/N”.

Spencer turned around in his chair as you angrily stormed up to him.

“Here’s your cookies, asshole,” you seethed, grabbing the note from inside and crumpling it up into a little ball and tossing it into the trash.

“Y/N!” Emily called after you but you were already gone.

The whole team glared at Spencer and picked up their lunches, leaving him alone at the table.

Spencer retrieved the balled up paper from the trash, having to fish through Rossi’s week old pasta and Anderson’s half eaten tuna fish sandwich.

Dear Reid,

Thank you for saving my life, I guess. These are my Grandma’s secret recipe for chocolate chip cookies so I hope you enjoy. I think we got off on the wrong foot and I would like to start over. I think cases would be a lot less miserable for everyone if we got along.

Thanks again,

Y/L/N

Spencer, you’re such an idiot, he thought to himself.

You never came back after your lunch break ended and Derek made Spencer go tell Hotch why it’s his fault you were missing the rest of the day.

He tried to call you multiple times but they always rang out before going to voicemail.

Spencer hesitantly knocked on Penelope’s door at the end of the day.

“Is she okay?” he asked softly.

“You don’t get to ask that as the person who hurt her in the first place. Also, she told me to tell you that don’t you dare go to her apartment to ‘check on her’. I’m headed over there myself actually,” Penelope collected her things and shut off her monitors.

“Will you at least tell her I’m really sorry?” Spencer followed her to the elevator.

“Absolutely not. I’m not doing any apologizing on your behalf,” Penelope huffed as the elevators shut.

-

You came in the next morning, keeping your head down. You grabbed a pen from your cup holder and the first folder on your stack before getting to work.

You were on the second page of the file when your clean, empty tupperware was placed in front of you plus another baking dish with aluminum foil over the top.

You glanced up to see Spencer guiltily looking down at you and you returned your eyes back to the file.

“I-I made you cinnamon rolls,” Spencer broke the silence.

“Are they poisoned?” you asked, not sparing him another glance.

“No, they’re not poisoned,” he assured you.

“I’m just saying how can I trust you as you have made it very apparent you would like me off this team.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Spencer was quick to reply.

“Then why the hell did you say it, Reid?” you slammed your pen down.

You grabbed your empty coffee mug and briskly walked to the break room but unfortunately, Spencer was right behind you.

“I didn’t eat any of your cookies by the way. Not that I didn’t want to but I felt like I didn’t deserve them so I handed them out to everyone else.”

“Oh how kind, taking credit for my work,” you tried to close the door in his face.

“I told them that they were from you,” Spencer insisted.

You rolled your eyes as Spencer grabbed the coffee pot before you could get to it, pouring your mug of coffee for you.

“What do you want from me, Reid?” you asked defeatedly.

“I want you to try a cinnamon roll and let me explain.”

“Fine but only because I didn’t have breakfast yet and I want to critique your baking skills,” you huffed, walking back to your desk.

Spencer gingerly placed one of the sticky frosting-coated rolls on a napkin and pushed it towards you. You tentatively bit into it. Damn it, it was actually delicious.

“It’s okay,” you understated.

You knew Spencer hardly ever used his kitchen let alone be up baking all night. He even chose a recipe that required more time and effort because the yeast dough would have to rise for a few hours.

“That’s good. The first batch didn’t come out as great...or the second,” he smiled softly.

“Well, the floor is all yours, Reid. Please explain to me why you talk shit about me to my co-workers when I’m in the other room,” you leaned back in your chair and crossed your arms.

Spencer muttered something incoherent.

“I have to hear the apology, you know,” you said, enjoying watching him uncomfortable.

“You’re intimidating to me because you’re intelligent, beautiful, and courageous. I think I was a little jealous that my spotlight as the ‘kid’ of the BAU was coming to an end so I said some harsh, completely untrue things and I’m sincerely sorry.”

“Oh my god,” you smirked, “Hotch was right, you are an elementary school kid.”

“In what way?” he curiously asked.

“You like me like like like me. You don’t know how to talk to the girl so you pull her pigtails on the playground,” you giggled.

“I take it back. You’re a horrible profiler,” Spencer was getting up from his seat, completely flustered.

“Awww,” you were laughing at Spencer’s bright red face as he went to go to the break room to fill his coffee mug.

When he got back to his desk, a sticky note was placed front and center.

In typical elementary school fashion…

Will you go get coffee with me?

Check:

Yes

or

No

Spencer smiled before picking up his pen and checking one of the boxes, crumpling the sticky note up into a ball and throwing it over to your desk.

“Good choice. See you Saturday at 9 at the cafe down the street,” you grinned.

“It’s a date,” he smiled.

[specialagentsergio]

baby kiss it better

summary: When D.C. implements a lockdown order, you and Spencer decide to quarantine together. There’s just one problem—he’s working from home, and his coworkers don’t know about you.

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

category: fluff

content warnings: a few swear words, but otherwise it’s just fluff

a/n: ahh, the secret partner trope. how i love it. this is set in 2020, but with the season 5 cast! i was feeling particularly self-indulgent, so i made reader a night shift worker. this is for you, fellow night owls. stay safe out there everyone, and wear a mask!

a/n 2: i don’t actually know what a doctor or physical therapist would recommend for spencer’s knee injury. this is just going on my basic understanding of anatomy (i took a class in it this fall!) and what i've seen on grey’s anatomy lol.

word count: 2.2k

masterlist

Spencer tries not to grimace as he shifts in his chair. Working from home during the lockdown had initially seemed like it came at a great time, starting just a month after his knee injury. Sure, he wasn’t thrilled about having to do almost everything digitally, but at least he wouldn’t have to worry about being mobile.

Unfortunately, that had turned out to be a downside. Tethered to his seat by headphones, he hasn’t been able to get up and stretch his leg properly, and as a result, is experiencing more pain.

It’s only 8:30, but he can already feel it flaring up. It’s been happening earlier every day, likely due to the existing irritation from the day before. Today is Thursday, and he’s miserable—he dreads to think of what tomorrow will be like.

He’s wondering if there’s some way he could get out of work tomorrow when he hears the sound of the front door being unlocked. He looks up to see you pushing the door open with your shoulder, carrying far too many grocery bags than is reasonable.

“Be careful!” he exclaims, watching as you teeter to the side a little. You just wave him off and close the door with your heel.

Working from home may not have been the positive he was expecting it to be, but you’ve more than made up for it. The two of you had decided to quarantine together, and he’s really loved having you around. Granted, you’ve only been here since Sunday, but he’s starting to think that this is going to end with him asking you to move in with him for good.

He hears a thunk as you dump all the groceries on the kitchen table. Then you’re back in the living room, taking off your mask as you walk by so you can blow him a kiss. He presses his knuckles to his mouth to hide his smile.

Usually you give him a proper cheek or forehead kiss when you get home, but the team doesn’t know about you yet. It’s not that he’s necessarily keeping you a secret, he just... likes having you to himself, and he doesn’t really want it to change just yet.

He’s also not looking forward to the pitch Garcia’s voice is going to hit when she finds out he’s been dating someone for over a year without telling her.

“Are you listening, Reid?” Hotch’s voice makes Spencer focus back in on the screen.

“Oh, y-yeah. Yeah, of course. Um, I was just thinking that this choice of rope to bind the victims is interesting.” He doles out a few facts about it, which seems to do an adequate job of convincing everyone that he’s paying attention.

They take a break when the main briefing is over—Jack needs something from Hotch and Sergio has apparently knocked something breakable off of Emily’s kitchen counter. He slides his headphones off and mutes his mic. Apparently that’s a cue you’ve been waiting for, because only a few moments later you’re placing a mug of tea on his desk.

“Green tea,” you say. “Might help reduce the inflammation in your knee.” Then you’re lifting his foot off the small stool it’s resting on and sliding another pillow under it so his leg is more elevated.

“Wh—“ he starts, but you’re already hurrying back into the kitchen. You come back with a baggie of ice wrapped in a dishtowel in your hands, which you place it gently on top of his knee.

“Twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off,” you say. “Then repeat with heat instead, like your physical therapist said. I’ll get the heating pad from the bedroom.”

“Hey, wait.” Spencer snags your wrists before you can walk away again. “How’d you know it was hurting?”

“Oh, I always know,” you reply. “You should have realized that by now.”

He thinks on that as you leave to get the heating pad, sipping his tea. You do always seem to just know, whether he’s in physical pain, a bad case is bothering him, or even if he’s just in a bad mood and doesn’t know why himself.

Not a day goes by where he doesn’t feel incredibly lucky to have you in his life.

“I’m leaving it by this outlet behind you. Have you been doing your stretches?”

He bites his lip, hesitating because he knows you won’t like the answer. But he doesn’t have to say it; you can tell from his expression.

“Spencer. You know you need to be doing them.”

“I know, I do,” he insists. “I just... can’t really get up and do them with these headphones.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Okay, so take them off. Your laptop has speakers.”

“But I don’t want to disturb you,” he protests. Since you work the night shift, you sleep during the day, usually heading to bed around 11 AM. He doesn’t want the noise from the Zoom calls to keep you up. Much like the bullpen in the FBI building, the calls can get rowdy.

“You won’t,” you assure. “I’ll just shut the bedroom door.”

“I guess that works,” he relents. “But I feel weird getting up and stretching in front of everyone. Like, wouldn’t that be disruptive?”

You sigh. “Spencer, I understand it’ll make you self-conscious, but you want full mobility in your knee again, right?”

“Yeah, I do, I get it,” he says sullenly, looking down into his mug. “I need to do the stretches if I want it to heal well.”

“Hey.” You take one of his hands and squeeze it. “I’m not trying to annoy you. I just want you to get better and be in less pain. I don’t like to see you hurting.”

“You’re not annoying me. I guess I’m just... not really used to being taken care of,” he admits quietly.

“Well, I’m gonna fix that.”

The confidence in your voice makes him unable to hold back a smile. “Alright.”

You smile back. “Is there anything else I can do?”

Spencer’s about to tell you that you’ve done plenty when an idea strikes him. He tilts his head to the side. “Well, there is something.”

“Yes?”

“There’s some research—nothing too substantial, but still some—that says kisses can help relieve pain,” he says.

You laugh, but it’s not unkind. “Oh, so you want me to kiss it better?”

“Yeah,” he murmurs, glancing away shyly.

“Okay, then.” You tuck his hair behind his ear and press a kiss to his forehead. “Better?” you ask softly.

He hums. “Better.”

“Good.” You stand back up and stretch. “Well, I’ll be awake for a few more hours, so let me know if you need anything.”

“I will.”

Spencer puts his headphones back on—he wants to wait to unplug them until you go to bed to spare you from hearing anything gruesome—and looks back at the screen to find Morgan, Emily, JJ, and Garcia staring him down. Rather hesitantly, he unmutes his mic and asks, “What?”

Emily is grinning—she looks the more awake than she has all morning. “Is there anything you wanna tell us?” she asks.

“Yeah, Spence,” JJ chimes in, “any new developments in your life?”

“I don’t—” he starts, then it hits him like a truck. He remembered to mute his mic, but the camera was still on. Clearly, they all saw you kiss his forehead. He barely stops himself from hitting his head against the table; he covers his face with his hands instead and groans.

“Isn’t the whole point of all this that we stay away from other people?” Morgan asks, and Spencer doesn’t have to look up to know that Derek has a shit-eating grin on his face.

“People outside of your household,” he corrects without thinking.

“Oh my god!” Garcia shrieks and he winces, pulling the headphones off out of instinct. He’s not the only one—JJ jumps and yanks her earbuds out, and Derek lifts one side of his headphones away from his ear. Spencer hesitantly copies him, putting one half of his headphones back on.

“Jesus, Pen, you scared the shit out of Sergio,” Emily’s saying.

“Sorry, I’m so sorry,” she says, then turns her attention completely to Spencer. “Boy wonder. You’re living with someone and I’m just now hearing about it?”

“I mean, you never asked,” he points out.

“Well, I didn’t think I’d have to!” she huffs. “You usually tell your friends if you’re seeing someone new, let alone living with them!”

“You do, maybe. Emily and I don’t,” he says.

Emily herself shrugs. “Good point. Fair enough, Reid.”

“Besides, we’re not living together,” he continues, “We’re quarantining together.”

“Right, because that’s such a big difference,” JJ teases. He glares at her in return.

Rossi returns to his desk before Penelope can start bombarding Spencer with questions. But there’s no reprieve for him—the man takes one look around and knows something’s up. “Okay, what’s going on?” he asks.

“We just found out pretty boy has a partner,” Morgan sing-songs before Spencer can say anything.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.”

“And he didn’t tell any of us!” Garcia adds.

Spencer groans again and presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. “This is exactly why I didn’t say anything,” he mutters.

A knocking sound draws his attention away from the call. You’re standing in the bedroom doorway, your hand resting on the doorframe. “You okay?” you ask. “I just heard you groan.”

Spencer mutes his mic again and then leans over so he’s out of the camera’s frame. “They found out,” he sighs.

“Found out what?”

“Found out about... you.”

Realization crosses your face. “They saw me kissing you better?”

“Yeah. I forgot the camera was still on,” he says sheepishly.

“Well, it was bound to happen eventually.” You make your way over to him and take the ice off his knee. “It’s been twenty minutes, by the way.”

“Thanks. So, um...” He picks up the fidget toy you bought him when he was going stir-crazy in the hospital and starts messing with it. “What do you wanna do about this?”

“Whatever you’re most comfortable with,” you reply immediately.

“Okay, good answer,” he says. “But I actually want to know how you feel about this.”

“Well, I’m fine with meeting them, even if it’s just over Zoom. But if you’d rather wait, I’m fine with that, too. Really,” you add when he raises an eyebrow.

“Okay, well.” Spencer looks back at the screen. Hotch has returned now, and even though he can’t hear anything, it’s clear they’re all waiting on him. Best to just do this now, he thinks, otherwise I’ll be hearing about it all day. “How would you feel about meeting them right now?”

You blink. “Um, okay. So long as you don’t mind me looking like I was up all night, because, you know... I was.”

“You look fine,” he reassures. “Uh, just stay put for a second. Let me ask if this is okay.”

He readjusts to sit in his chair properly. He starts to put his headphones back on, but you unplug them so you can hear what’s happening.

“You ready to continue, Reid?” Hotch asks. It’s business as usual with him—if he was told what happened earlier, Spencer can’t tell.

“Well, actually,” he starts, and nervousness bubbles up in his chest. He glances up and you give him a reassuring smile. “Actually, I was wondering if I could introduce you guys to someone first?”

Garcia squeals. “Ooh, sir, please say yes!”

“Just keep it quick,” Hotch says. He didn’t even hesitate—they totally told him.

Spencer takes a deep breath, then gestures for you to come over. You seem a little nervous as well, but you handle it well, walking around the desk and into the frame. “Oh, we should have gotten you something to sit on,” he laments when you lean over the back of his chair.

“It’s fine.” You drape your arms around his shoulders and adjust so your head is on the same level as his. It’s silent for a moment, then you say, “Well, introduce me, silly.”

“Oh!” He clears his throat, trying to ignore the heat he feels in his cheeks. “Um, this is (Y/N). My... my partner.”

The call explodes with greetings, everyone talking over each other. “Slow down, slow down,” Spencer pleads. This is all overwhelming enough—he doesn’t need any excess stimuli.

Once it settles, everyone takes their turn introducing themselves (you already know who they all are, though, as he’s told you so much about them). Then you field a few questions—what you do for work, how you met, what your favorite food is (that was Rossi—Spencer suspects that he wants to know for the first dinner party he can hold after quarantine is over).

It’s going well. Everyone seems to like you, and you’re getting by just fine. Until Garcia asks her question, that is.

“So, (Y/N), how long has boy wonder been keeping you a secret from us?”

Both of you tense. “Uh, you know what, I’ll let him answer that,” you say quickly. “It’s just about time for me to go to bed.”

“Wha—no. No, it’s not. It’s just barley past nine,” Spencer protests.

“Yeah, I’m really tired. I’m gonna try and get some extra sleep today.” You give a little wave. “It was nice meeting you all.”

“Don’t leave me,” he whispers desperately. “Not with that question.”

You feign a yawn. “Sorry, I’m just too tired.”

He watches you go back to the bedroom with a pout.

“Well?” Garcia insists when he looks back at her.

Spencer cringes and preemptively lowers his computer volume.

---------------

tell me what you thought here!

[equizona]

Hiii!! How are you? I hope you are doing great💕✨

I wanted to request headcanons for the bros having a normal dinner at the HoL until Mc who used to have really long hair shows up with a self-cuted bob, you can tell they cutted it by themselves but it’s still cute. When the bros asked about it they responded that they were having a really bad day and they cut their hair as an alternative to self harm.

If you feel uncomfortable you can skip the self harm part! I understand! I was just having a bad day and I decided to cut my hair for the same reasons and my Mamá didn’t take it really nicely, and idk i guess I just want comfort. Thank you I love your writing and again, I hope you have a nice day💕💕✨✨

Scenario: cutting your hair as an alternative to self harm

Note: Hello there! First, I wanna say how proud I am of you, even if I don't know you. The fact you cut your hair instead of cutting is amazing and I am so proud of you. I hope you continue to stay strong, and I'm sorry this took so long! Feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. [P.S: I did change the request up but it's mostly the same!]

Fandom: Obey Me!

Character's: Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, Belphegor.

Reader: Kinda G-N! But also has hints that you're most likely a female in this.

Warnings: self harm mentions?

He's very confused.

He does NOT remember you ever leaving the house of lamentation, and your hair was still long earlier this morning.

What happened?

He'll ignore it though.

He'll give you compliments about your hair, and he'll be surprised when you say you cut it on your own.

Tells you that you have talent.

After dinner, he'll ask for you to meet up with him in his office.

He'll immediately ask you why you cut your hair.

Was something wrong? Did you simply want a change? Are you sure you won't regret it? He could find you someone who could grow your hair back out for you if you did?

When you tell him you did that instead of self cutting he's... uncertain on how to feel.

Firstly, he is EXTREMELY proud of you for deciding to do that rather than cut yourself.

He's also a bit disappointed in himself that he didn't notice.

He'll pull you in for a hug, and tell him how proud he is of you for doing that. And how lovely your hair looks short.

He'll tell you to talk to him if you ever feel that you need to cut, and you don't have any other option.

Or if you are simply sad.

He'll get you a therapist if you don't want to speak to him or his brothers.

He'll do almost anything so that you can feel better.

Won't get you knives or things that you can hurt yourself with, but anything else is fair game.

Shocked because why???

Your hair was so nice, and silky! And he loved running his fingers through it and making different hairstyles and all that fun stuff.

He's kinda sad.

But also, you look really good with that hair style?

And you did it on your own?

....ever thought about opening a hair salon? People would pay so much if you had that much talent and skill.

Now, Mammon is most likely the one that is the best on emotions of ALL his brothers.

He can tell when you're not feeling yourself, and it's only like 100 times stronger thanks to the pact you both have.

He'll talk to you when you're both cuddled up in your room, asking you what happened.

When you tell him he'll put the mask he usually has on down and let you know how amazing you are and how proud he is.

Will offer to speak to Lucifer about getting you a therapist, if you'd like.

It won't matter if this is a common way you feel, it only happens once or twice or this only happened once.

He'll do anything you ask of him.

'Cause he loves you more than even money.

Kinda jealous because he' never be able to look good with a hairstyle like that.

And then you're just like

"Oh, I cut it myself."

And he just shirt circuts.

You can cut hair? And even more importantly, your own hair!?!?!?!??!?!

That's so cool!

Why did you never tell him?

At least he's happy that it doesn't seem like any of the others knew about it either.

Now, I honestly feel like Levi's bad thoughts about himself has led him down the path of self harm.

He's surpsingly strong willed, and almost always manages to catch himself and do something else.

And he recognizes what you did as a common thing to do instead.

Asks just to be sure.

And when you tell him that yes, that was why you did it, he's heartbroken.

You don't deserve feelings like that. Actually, you deserve everything good and only the good.

He'll be a lot nicer, doing his best to give you compliments on the new hairstyle and telling you how proud he is.

Mainly fails, but it's okay.

He's trying, and he'll try his best for you to be happy.

<3<3<3<3<3

This man feeds off of anger, so if you did it in a fit of rage or anger, no matter small, he's there in a second to ask how you're doing.

If not? He won't notice. It's only anger he can feel, much to his dismay.

He'll have troubles connecting the dots at first, and will only be handing you out compliments next to Asmo.

Then it hits him that it might be more to it, considering how you're acting.

He'll wait until after dinner and claim you have to help him with something.

Get's really angry when you tell him why you did it.

Not at you though, never at you. At himself, and lucifer, at everything.

He won't keep it up long though, calming down really quickly.

He'll ask you to sit down and read with him, or he'll read to you. Or you can do something on your D.D.D while he reads.

Whatever you want.

Hell, he might decide to let you drag him out somewhere.

Whatever it takes to make you feel even a tiny bit better.

Immediately gushing about how amazing you look with the new hairstyle.

He wants to know where you cut it in the first ten seconds he sees you.

Super shocked when he finds out you did it on your own.

Will ask you to trim his hair sometime.

To be fair, he's no stranger to doing things about his appearance in a fit of strong emotion.

Something Lucifer isn't always the happiest about.

He won't point it out though, if you want to talk, you know he's there.

He drops hints like that, just to be sure.

If you do tell him the reason, he'll immediately pull you in for a hug and shower you in compliments.

Not only on your appearance, but on how amazing you did to cut your hair instead of cutting your skin.

Self care day

He'll push away any of his brothers, doing his best to make you feel the most confident you have ever felt in your own body

Also, he'll make sure you know he's there for you and offer to get a therapist if you'd like one

When it starts to get late he'll put on a movie in the background and cuddle you💞💞💞

He thinks you look great with the new hairstyle!

You looked amazing before as well, but you also look amazing now!

Honestly, he kinda forgets about it during the dinner, a hair cut doesn't change who you are and you're still his very best friend and love of his life

He'll do his normal "get up at 12am and drag you for midnight snacks."

And if you tell him, he'll drop his food and pull you in for a hug

He doesn't say much, but offers you his food.

Whenever he's sad, food makes him feel better, so he does what he knows and hopes it'll share you up too

He'll also be willing to do anything you ask

Want him to carry you? Hug you? Cuddles? Want him to talk to lucifer for you? Want to vent? Want to cry?

He's there for you

Honestly, I doubt he even notices.

He's to busy sleeping to care.

When he DOES notice it's when he drags you down to sleep and tries nuzzling his face into your long hair-

Wait it's gone?

He'll get kinda pissy, 'cause he liked your long hair, but then he noticed it's still super soft and just goes back to sleep

He won't even bring up the possibility that you did it as an alternative to self harm

It crossed his mind but he refuses to believe it

If you tell him, he'll react kinda negatively, and won't talk to you

For like 30 minutes max

Most likely only for like 5 minutes though

He'll realize that he should be there for you

Isn't sure what to do, so he just kinda cuddles you and apologies for how he reacted

He's very lazy put he puts in an extra effort to tell you how proud he is

Because cutting your hair is way better than hurting yourself and you did super good doing the hair cutting instead

He'll let his brothers help you during the day, and have you cuddle with him at night so he can make sure you have the best dreams

I'd say he's horrible at it, but the effort is actually pretty obvious and he makes sure you're guarded in the night

He tries

His best

And it works to some degree

<3

[vivid4am]

Life Goes On (Chapter 6)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Y/N makes a serious confession

Warnings: Angst, semi-fluff, confession time, mutual pining, drinking, rushed ending

A/N: thank you guys so freaking much for 700 followers! here's my present to you!!

Chapter 5

It had been a few weeks since the diner incident. Bucky assumed that Y/N had forgotten about it, so he decided to too.

It was Y/N’s day off from work, so Bucky was over at her apartment, sitting with her at the dining room table. Y/N had her legs resting on his lap. She took a drink of her beer- it was sort of a ritual for them to drink and listen to music at this point. Bucky noticed that she was rather quiet than usual. “Something on your mind?” Bucky asked, tilting his head to the side.

Y/N took a deep breath and gave him a hesitant nod. “What’s up then?” Y/N took a longer drink of her Stella Artois. She removed her legs from Bucky’s lap before getting up from her seat. She walked to her room, leaving the door open a smidge. Bucky sat patiently and waited for her return. It took about three minutes. Two of them were dedicated to Y/N’s pacing back and forth to her room.

She came back out of her room with a file in her hand. She lingered by her door, wiping sweat from her forehead. She was nervous. Y/n huffed out another breath before walking back to the dining room table.

“I don’t think we’ve been very truthful with each other lately, Buck.” Y/N stated, her eyes pointed towards the floor. Bucky felt his stomach drop.

Shit.

“I know who you are. I’ve known who you were. I just kept it from you because I know you don’t want to bring up your past. I get it. But I thought I should tell you.” She handed him the vanilla filing folder. He opened it, seeing a full report on himself. He raised his eyebrows. It had everything. His birthdate, time in the military, time as the Winter Soldier, even to his therapist.

Bucky looked up at her. “Where’d you find this?” Y/N chewed her lip. “Well, I wrote the report myself. Did some heavy research though. Took me a couple nights. But I just did it to make sure of my observations.”

“Observations?”

“Yeah,” Y/N said, chuckling slightly. “Like how you examine every possible exit everytime you enter a room, or when we go out and you stand behind me. Like a protector,” She explained. Y/n shuffled slightly on her feet. “Also, your gloves. No one wears gloves like that. And you’re not a germaphobe.”

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed. “How do you notice all of this stuff?”

“I notice everything about you. Down to the little freckle on your earlobe.” Y/N said, pointing to his left earlobe. His gloved hand reached up to his earlobe. She was right. Even he didn’t notice. And it was his earlobe.

Bucky smiled. “But it wasn’t the only reason why I looked you up.” Y/N interrupted. His smile disappeared immediately. Y/N sighed, leaning her back on the kitchen table. “I needed to know if you were connected to my uncle.” Bucky chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I'm sorry for ever doubting you. He disappeared during the time you were on the run from Hydra with Captain America. So, you can breathe.”

Bucky shook his head. “I don’t think I can.” Y/N crossed her arms, feeling a little vulnerable. “I’m sorry. I feel bad now. I should’ve waited for you to tell me.” She shook her head, voice cracking a little. She started to walk away from him. Bucky’s hands grabbed her waist and pulled her back to him. He spun the girl around.

“I’m not mad.” He said, an earnest look in his eyes. “In fact, I’m impressed. You’re pretty observant.” Bucky gave her a smile. “What gave me away the most?”

Y/N wrung her hands around. “The diner was a big clue. Especially with how worked up you got over the news. I understand though. He was your best friend.” Y/N confessed.

Bucky’s smile disappeared from his face once again. His hands left her hips and Y/N suddenly felt cold. “You probably think I’m a monster,” Bucky mumbled, putting his hands on the table.

“I don’t.” Y/N said firmly. “I don’t at all. I promise you. I did my research, Bucky. You were fucking brainwashed.” Y/N raised her voice slightly. Bucky’s eyes still averted hers. She sandwiched her hands on his face, forcing him to look up at you. “You’re not a monster.” Her tone was sincere. Believable.

“And if you were, I wouldn’t still keep inviting you over for beers and music.” She added, causing Bucky to smirk at her words. “Any other complaints for the head of department?” Y/N asked jokingly. Bucky shook his head, grabbing her hands and removing them from his face.

“Other than the fact that it’s always hot as shit in your apartment.” Bucky sassed. Y/N laughed, clapping her hands in glee. “There’s the Bucky I know and admire!” She suddenly paused. “If it’s that hot, then why don’t you take off your jacket? And gloves?” Y/N’s bottom lip puffed out a bit as she batted her lashes at him.

Bucky hesitated. And if he was being honest, he was terrified of her reaction to his arm. But he knew she already did so much research on him and that they were being honest with each other. He shrugged off his jacket and peeled his gloves off.

At least he didn’t have to worry about wearing them to Y/N’s apartment anymore.

Y/N’s eyes didn’t pop out of her, nor did she gasp at his metallic arm. In fact, she didn’t even look at his arm. Her eyes remained on Bucky’s face. He cleared his throat, snapping her from her small little trance. Y/N shook her head and laughed. “Sorry about that. Just making more observations.”

“Of what?”

“How handsome you are.”

Bucky blushed. To be honest, he has not felt this comfortable with another human being in a long time. It’s always taken him a while to adjust and trust people. But with Y/N it was easy. He hoped to keep her around more, longer even. Maybe even be more than friends.

Again, he hasn’t felt like this in a while. Plus, the dating scene in Brooklyn was tough as shit. He has struggled with online dating apps for months. And his only friend was an old guy who was on his list. He won’t forget about the time that Mr. Nakajima accused him of being gay. Although he was only half right, but, that's a secret Bucky won’t ever tell anyone.

-

| Next Chapter |

Life Goes On Taglist:

@livvpl107 @navs-bhat @bluemoon-icecream @sltwins @loveheathens @wintersfilm @kaelyn-lobrutto24 @theashlynbarnes @joscelyn02 @gene5sos @vibraniumqueen @icant-hangout-imdrumming @spideyswebshooters @darkacademic2 @bahama-mama-llama @lawrencekate @thewinterrbucky @dream-alittlebiggerdarling

[spenciegoob]

11 Minutes

A/N: Hi this is lovely based on the song 11 Minutes by Yungblud featuring Halsey, so if you’ve heard that song before, man I’m really sorry for this one. If you haven’t... man I’m really really sorry for this one. Also yes this is really short I’m sorry.

Couple: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral!Reader

Category: Fluff/Angst

Content Warning: death of a major character, car accident, therapy

Masterlist

Word Count: 1.4K

____

“Spencer, the last two times that I’ve seen you, we’ve sat in silence,” the doctor pointed out, obviously annoyed that her patient, who ironically enough had more PhDs, was wasting their time. “I know it’s hard to start, but the best place to, is from the beginning.”

“Y/N. Their name was Y/N.” This was the first time Doctor Fredricks heard Spencer say anything besides their usual before meeting greetings, and after meetings scheduling. “I heard it all, you know?”

“Heard what, Spencer?”

“Everything.”

“Spencer, I promise you I am getting in the car now. You’ll get to see me in 15 minutes,” you laughed into the phone at your very impatient boyfriend.

“Actually, I’ll see you in 17 minutes and 42 seconds give or take traffic patterns and how awful your first attempt at parking is.” It had been exactly 9 days 7 hours 24 minutes and 43 seconds since you last saw Spencer, and he wasn’t the one counting down by the second this time. 

“Hey!” You barked right back. You weren’t the greatest parker in the world, but there was no need to mention it. “I could walk and skip the parking altogether.”

“No,” he whined, growing more impatient by the second. “That’ll take you an hour, and it’s been enough time since I got to see you. Please love bug, I take back the parking comment.”

“Alright, alright, alright. You’re getting off the hook...” you said as you put the key in the engine, but before you turned the car on, you mumbled, “this time.”

“I heard that!” You couldn’t stop the guilty giggle from escaping your throat and into the speaker of the phone. “Did I just hear your car turn on? I’m hanging u-”

“No, sh. I’m putting you on speaker. Don’t worry, doctor. I’m not on my phone while driving.” Of course Spencer would be nervous about you being distracted by anything while driving, he had the statistics lodged in his brain about car accident deaths.

“Did you know that roughly 1.35 mi-”

“Million people in the US die on the road with an average of 3,700 per day? How could I forget?” You cut him off, hearing this rant every time you went to change the station on your car radio.

“You’re on speaker, and I’ve been driving for 2 minutes already. I think I’ll be fine for the next 15, I promise.” You both knew it was ridiculous to stay on the phone as you headed over to his apartment. It was like the two of you couldn’t wait another second without the other, and thankfully modern technology granted you both that.

“It’s dangerous, love bug, and you know it.” Spencer just would not give up, would he? You’ve had your license for over a decade, and yet he held onto the handle next to his window as if he was your mother teaching you to drive for the first time whenever he was in the car with you. “Plus you speed.”

“What can I say? I like to live on the danger side. Plus do you really want to talk about car deaths, or can I yell at you for insulting my driving TWICE now,” you joked, feigning offense to Spencer’s truthful mean comments about your driving.

“I would much rather talk about how much I missed you,” he sweet-talked to you. While it was cute and all, you knew it was just so you would immediately forget about his little backhand driving comments.

“I missed you, too, my love.” Of course it worked. It was Spencer Goddamn Reid.

“How much longer?” The tone of a little boy in a candy shop whose parents just said no to pounds of sugar returned. You smiled and shook your head to yourself.

“According to maps, 13 minutes.” You let your mind wander as you stared out into the road ahead of you. How did you get so lucky with Spencer?

The day you two reached for the same book in a small library that was almost hidden to the street outside was the best day of your life. You and Spencer talked for hours about Emily Dickinson, other authors, composers and personal lives. It felt natural to spend time with him, and if you could, you’d spend every waking moment with him. That day, you hadn't even realized that 5 hours had passed, nor did you realize you never asked for his name in that amount of time.

“Don’t speed, but hurry up...please.”

“Spencer, how am I supposed to do those things at once?” The light turned red before you could run it, adding at least another 30 seconds before you got to see him.

“I’m 11 minutes away. The lights in this city just su-” You never got to finish your sentence, because the car behind you forgot to stop.

Your head shot forward, hitting the top of the steering wheel as your car and the pick up truck coming at you at 40 miles an hour made impact. Your car had involuntarily skidded in the middle of the intersection. Thankfully, however, it wasn’t a busy one.

“Y/N! Y/N, are you okay?!” You hadn’t registered Spencer’s insistent yelling through the speaker in your phone until the ringing in your eyes subsided to a small dull.

“Y-Yeah,” you croaked out. “Some ass just hit me from behind.”

That’s when you looked to the left of you.

They say when people die, they see a white light at the end of a tunnel, but you saw two. You saw two headlights coming in your direction at a speed that you knew was impossible to stop. The weight the truck carried along with the amount of force used to halt the tires in their place made it so that the driver had no choice.

“You know I love you, Spencer. I love you so much.” You stared death in the eyes, it coming in the form of yellow lights and a blaring horn you knew Spencer could hear on the other end.

“Y/N, I-”

“I never got the chance to actually say it back.” Spencer finished recollecting your death, something he only did in the comfort of his home, alone with nothing but the silent sobs that raked through his body.

“Spencer, you don’t have to tell me for me to know that you blame yourself,” Dr. Fredricks spoke calmly, too calm for Spencer’s liking. He had just told her about the worst moment of his life, and she still held the same tone as if she was saying see you next week.

“How could I not?” He started to get more upset by the second, his voice rising in volume and his body leaning forward. “How do I sit here, and not blame myself? I called them that day. I was the one that rushed them. Me, no one else, but me!”

“Were you driving either cars that hit them?” Spencer knew what she was doing. Dr. Fredricks was trying to get him to admit it wasn’t his fault, so instead of giving in, he stayed silent. She sighed before continuing.

“You need closure, Spencer. The wound is still so fresh that it will never start to heal if you don’t let it.” At this, Spencer sat back and fiddled with his fingers.

She was right. He needed to start healing instead of ripping the wound farther across this heart, cutting deeper each time.

“That’s all the time we have for today. You’ve made great progress this week, and I hope that we can follow that pattern next week as well.” Spencer smiled down at his therapist as he stood up to walk out.

“Oh, and Spencer,” Dr. Fredrick called out. He stopped and turned, expecting a reminder he didn’t need for next week’s time.

“Their last words were I love you. Don’t ever forget they meant it.”

Spencer finally let a tear run down his cheek, the first time he cried in front of anyone after your death.

He nodded before walking out onto the busy DC street. As he was walking, Spencer took out his phone, flipping it between hands, contemplating his next move.

‘Closure, Spencer. You need closure.’ He kept repeating in his mind.

Finding a bench, he sat down to search his contacts for the one name he couldn’t bring himself to delete.

Before Spencer could rethink his next move, he made it, pressing the call button. The phone didn’t even ring, it just went straight to voicemail.

‘Hey! Sorry I missed you, I’m probably asleep. Leave a message, but I can’t promise I’ll listen to it. Bye!’

“Hey, love bug.”

____

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[summerlovingbaby]

tfatws Not My Captain P1

“ I don’t know Sam maybe this is the wrong address.” Bucky said knocking on the door once more. “ We should just leave, and think of something else.” Bucky said looking for any reason to leave.

“ She’s probably just not home, lets just wait a few minutes.” Sam responded.

A few seconds later a motorcycle that was speeding down the street, came to a halt in front of the house. A woman stepped off the bike, and took of a helmet, 2 long sweeping braids fall out of the helmet and landed on her back. She balance the bike helmet on the handlebars. 

She took off her sunglasses and tucked them in her shirt. She started walking up the sidewalk , and started fishing around the back pocket of her jeans for keys .She was the spitting image of her father, they had the same eyes, and the same brown hair though hers was way longer than his . Y/N Stark. Shew was a few feet away from the porch, she saw them.

“ What are you doing here?” Y/N asked.

“ It’s kind of a long story. ”Bucky said scratching his head.

Y/N pushed past the pair, and shoved the key in the keyhole. She forced open the door so forcefully that it swung open wide. At the door was waiting a few dogs and a cat. She walked through the cavalcade of 4 legged animals and bent down and pet one of them. She walked in her house and fought the urge to slam the door behind her.

“ Are you going to come in?” She asked without looking at them

They followed her into the house and trailed her through the kitchen. They scurried to the kitchen and sat down at the table , and sat down at the kitchen table. Their bags placed next to them. She disappeared to the living room and threw her backpack on the couch. Bucky and Sam could hear her loud sigh from the kitchen.  When she came back in Bucky and Sam really got to look at her, she looked not great. 

Instead of joining them at the kitchen table, she scurried about  the kitchen doing things. She pulled out baking pans and flour from her pantry, After a few awkward moments she finally spoke.

“Are you here about Wanda?” Y/N asked bluntly, she sounded asperated.

“ Wanda?” Sam questioned. “ What happened with Wanda?”

“ Nothing... never mind.” Y/N said shaking her head slightly.

“ Pepper called me, she’s worried about you.” Sam said.

" Why would she be worried?” Y/N asked, she was now measuring ingredients.

“ She’s been sending you checks every other weeks, says you haven’t been cashing them.” Sam said using the voice he always used when he was talking to veterans. Y/N continued to busy herself about the kitchen, she only shrugged in response. “ Says you haven’t touched her trust fund either.” Sam started digging through his bag. “ She also called me in hysterics, said you were in the hospital. Twice.” This caused Y/N’s eyes to grow wide. She took a shaky breath. Sam placed two files on the kitchen table.

“ Twice?” Bucky questioned. His eyes darted to Y/N and he was suddenly scanning her. He took notice of the brace of the wrist and ankle. He started to reach for the file, but Y/N snatched it before he could grab it.

“ How did she find out?” Y/N asked, she stopped what she was doing, and looked defeated.

“ She’s still you’re emergency contact, are you okay?” Sam said.

Y/N discarded the files on the kitchen counter. She started mixing ingredients, she took a weary breath and she closed her eyes for a bit.

“ Did you read it?” She asked.

“ No.” Sam said looking at her with empathy. “ I’m asking you again... are you okay?”

Bucky looked at Y/N with confused wide eyes it was clear that he was missing something.

“ I’m fine... tell Pepper I’m fine.” Y/N said through baited and harsh breaths.

“ Okay. I’ll tell her.” Sam responded.

“ How is Pepper and Morgan?” Y/N asked.

“ There doing okay, would be better if they had you.” Sam said.

“ I’ll call, I will, I promise.” Y/N said giving Sam a trustful nod.

“ Okay. I’ll tell them that you’re okay.” Sam said nodded back.

“ Thanks. Now why are you really here?” Y/N asked.

“ We need help.” Bucky said, his eyes were darting around the room.

“ With?” Y/N asked her eyes were drier now.

“ It’s complicated.” Sam said looking at the ground.

“ Is it because you gave up the shield?” Y/N asked, still mixing the batter.

“ How did you know about that?” Sam said defensive.

“ I saw it on the news. I don’t live under a rock. Giving it up  was a mistake Sam.” Y/N said, she said placing the cupcakes in the oven.

“ I didn’t realize that at the time.” Sam said, his eyes darted to the floor.

“ Steve gave it to you for a reason, if he wanted the government to have it, he would have gave it to them.” Y/N said.

“ I’m aware of that fact.” Sam said, he sounded less ashamed and more angry.

“ That shield meant a lot of things to a lot of people, including Tony.” Y/N said she just sounded so tired.

“ You’re one to talk, you didn’t even come to Tony’s funeral.” Sam said standing up, and pounding his fist on the table.

“ You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to come into my house and give me crap, especially after you gave up the shield.” Y/N said slamming her hands on the table.

“ You don’t now anything about that.”

“ Oh I know plenty.” Y/N said through her teeth.

“ Clearly not enough.” Sam said, his voice raised.

“ I know enough to know that giving up that shield was a mistake. Steve made mistakes, but you two were not one of them.” She said pointing at the two men.

“ You didn’t even know Steve-” Bucky interjected.

“ I knew Steve. You were gone for 5 years. He was my friend.” Y/n said raising her voice.

“ I’ve known Steve my whole life, you’ve known him for 5 minutes, he made plenty of mistakes.” Bucky said, now everybody was standing.

“ I never said he didn’t make any mistakes, I said that you two weren’t one of them.” Y/N said, her brows were furrowed and she was speaking through her teeth.

“ You don’t  know anything about me.” Bucky said.

“ Oh.. don’t tell me you’ve forgotten. I know plenty.” Y/N said through a snarky smile that made Bucky take a step back.

Y/N awoke to a soft knocking on her door, she checked the clock on the wall, and was surprised to see that it was 3am. She begrudgingly got out of bed and limped through the hallway and to the door. She looked through the peephole to see Sargent Barnes on her doorstep with flowers. She opened the door.

“ Sargent Barnes, what are you doing here? Y/N asked leaning on the doorframe for support.

“ Sorry if it’s a bad time.” He responded, his hair looked moist and he looked upset.

“ It’s 3am Sargent.”

“ I’m sorry... I probably should have waited til’ morning.” Bucky said brushing his fingers through his hair.

“ It’s fine... sleep is for losers anyway.” Y/N said laughing at her on joke. “ Did you need something?”

“ My therapist wants me to make amends.” Bucky said. Y/N nodded confused.

“ And that involves me how?”

“ I never got to apologize to Tony, and I realized that I owe you an apology too.”

“ Why do you owe me an apology?”

“ I’m sorry for killing your grandpa...and trying to kill Tony.”

“ It’s okay.”

“ It isn’t okay.” Bucky’s eyes started to well into tears.

“ I forgive you.” Y/N said. Bucky’s eyes went wide, and a few tears streamed from his face. He tried to stifle a sob, but ended up collapsing onto Y/N in a fit of tear. That was the first time that somebody that he hurt forgave him. Not pardoned him, or excused his actions or blamed the “ Winter Solider”. But actually forgave him.

“ Why did we even come here?” Bucky said, slamming back down to the floor.

“ You came here because you need help and you turned down Walker, and you’re starting to think that was a mistake.” Y/N said her beginning to calm down as well.

“ John Walker?” Sam said throwing a glance at Bucky

“ Yes ,John Walker. Is there another Walker that would be relevant right now?”

“ How do you know Walker?” Bucky asked

“ He came here.”Y/N responded casually.

“ He came here? When?” Sam pressed.

“ A while ago, why?” Y/N asked.

“What did he want?” Bucky pressed.

“ Help. Cause he’s in over his head, just like you are.” Y/N said pointing at Bucky and Sam.

“ Did you tell him anything?” Sam asked rolling his eyes.

“ About the Flag Smashers? No.”

“ How do you know about the Flag Smashers?” Bucky asked

“Have you met me?” Y/N replied with a chuckle.

“ What did you find out?” Sam asked.

“ There a group of vigilantes, want a world without borders, where everyone has access to basic resources and stuff. The leader is a girl named Sin, she was displaced by the blip. They haven’t killed anybody, but the pattern could only escalate.”

“ That’s what were afraid of.” Bucky said.

“ Are you in?” Sam asked.

“ Its what Steve would do.” Bucky said.

“ I’m very well aware of what Steve would do. And I’m in. You can spend the night  tonight, and we’ll come up with a plan tomorrow.”

TAGLIST INFO

@austynparksandpizza      @footballaddictsblog   @goddessgaga

@buckybarnes1991    @jungkookdingdong   @tofeartheunknown

@yasminwashere  @sunsetcurvej

[sagessoftwings]

Hey :) I was wondering if I could get a matchup for either mha, haikyuu, jjk, demon slayer and/or marvel, I know that’s a lot of fandoms, literally just do whatever you are comfortable with, I love your blog so much. Ok I am straight and I go by she/her pronouns. I am 5’10” and I have long dark brown wavy/curly (tbh just unruly) hair and I have a strong/muscular build with some chubbiness, oh, and I’m pretty pale. I love playing sport (fencing, netball, basketball, volleyball), singing and listening to music, reading and languages. I am generally a very optimistic and happy person and I am really good at making people laugh, while being the “funny” one in the friend group I can still be serious when I need to be, especially if I’m doing something I am passionate about. I am very talkative and even more so when I’m anxious which is fairly often ‘cause I have anxiety and I also have moderate ocd, however I’m kinda thriving rn since I’ve been seeing my therapist for a while. I am a Gemini and ENFP? Idk if that helps, I’m a bit chaotic and I have a very short attention span and get bored very easily. 😎 ohhh and something that inspires me are generally the people in my life, anyway imma shut up now, ohhhh and I think my love languages might be giving gifts and physical touch I actually don’t know though. I just have noticed that I loooihehshgdbdjvvvvveee giving people things it’s like a pastime. Anyways I love u byeeee 😘

HI BABE FOR MHA I SHIP YOU WITH KIRI 😩

SO SO SO IN LOVE

Loves to entertain you when it comes to all your hobbies

Cuddles. CUDDLES

THEIR GODTIER

Literally loves your body no matter what, and he will kiss you tummy and legs and arms until he verbally hears you say it

Actually pretty good at basketball and will get the bakusquad together so you guys can play

Will the ball end up on fire because bakugo rage quit

Yes. Yes it will.

Lays his head on the top of your chest while your reading face up so he can read along too

IM SORRY BUT HE HAS THE CUTEST LITTLE GIGGLE AND IF YOU PLAY FOOTIES WITH HIM WHILE TRYING TO SLEEP HE JUST BREAKS INTO LAUGHTER

Will help you condition your hair, baby boy had a belt with like four different detangler brushes and moisture curl lotion

You’re well taken care of 😩💖

For jjk I ship you with Yuji Itadori

WILL MAKE YOU GUYS AN ENTIRE COURSE WITH ALL YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS AND MOST POINTS WIN

Such such a good cuddler

Reads manga while you read but his little gasps when a cool part comes up is so cute

random, but makes sound effects when he gets up to go to the restroom in the night and when you ask him about it he will deny all and any recollection of said noises

Yuji clings, CLINGS onto your body and lays his head on your tummy and sometimes puts his head under your shirt and blows raspberries on your tummy and then gives it so many kisses

But sukuna will bite you, likes you okay he guesses. But will bite

Also licks your hand when Yuji and you hold hands

He’s a weirdo

If you’re sitting on the couch normally he’ll lift you legs, sit on the floor and the strap your legs over his shoulder like a rollercoaster safety harness

Is such a good boyfriend 😪

For haikyuu I ship you with bokuto

For obvious reasons

Body worshiper

Tells you how pretty you are like every 5 minutes

GOOD MORNING AND GOOD NIGHT TEXTS EVEN IF YIU SPEND THE NIGHT

So so so bad at cooking good god keep an eye on him at all times

Leash child

Please GOD PLEASE PLAY VOLLEYBALL WITH HIM

Just don’t be… too good

He’ll get sad, super happy for you but emo mode is activated

If you’re tired after coming out of the shower he’ll brush your hair out for you

But don’t ask you to style it, you’ll regret living

He literally puts it in like a knot, a literal knot

Like boy scouts knot

And for demon slayer I ship you with inosuke (aged up )

Very competitive but he gueeeeeses he’ll play your silly games

He loves it, you could be absolutely worn out and he’d be like “LETS PLAY THAT GAME WITH THAT ORANGE THAT WE THROW IN THAT HOLE WITH THE ROPE!!!”

Baby…. He can’t read but likes to hear you read to him!

If he can’t sleep will ask you to read to him 🥺

I’m sorry baby but his bed is DISGUSTING

Crumbs CRUMBS EVERYWHERE AND YOU BETTER PRAY TO GOD THATS CHOCOLATE ON THE SHEETS

Literally there’s a bag of Doritos under the pillow you’re sleeping on and when he hears the bag crinkle he shoots up and snatched them

“I was looking for these!! WERE YOU GONNA EAT MY FOOD?!?”

Apologize.

Literally no, apologize or he’ll kick you out and you’ll sleep outside of the bedroom door

[adelaidedrubman]

Ask game: when you get this you have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite mutuals (only if you want to of course!) 💖

thank you mika!!! was also sent this by @henbased and @scungilliwoman, sorry it took a minute!!

1. i like to think im funny ig. the mutuals would probably say that’s wrong and i’m just exhausting but here’s the thing.

2. i’m good at being self-deprecating. you might say, liz, the entire point of this was to give yourself a compliment you don’t immediately undermine because you’re scared to own it. i’m begging, and so is your therapist.

3. i think i’m good at realizing and correcting myself when i’m doing something wrong. no, seriously. i think that having a certain level of humility and not just digging your heels in when you realize you’ve made a mistake is a skill it takes time to master, and it hasn’t been one that’s come naturally to me, i’ve had to work and grow at it. but i am willing to own my mistakes, even if it just means apologizing to myself.

4. resilient. god’s attempted to nerf me many times throughout my life, and i keep coming back from it. i’ve powered through some of the hardest periods to eke out some big accomplishments, and i’m proud of that.

5. big naturals.

[coffeecakefanfics]

Blow off some steam Bucky Barns x Fem!Reader

CWQWarnings: language (always), adult themes, gym talk

Requests are open!

My dm’s are also open bc I need FRIENDS BITCH

Trying to reintegrate into modern society was and is rough. Therapy was rougher.  The new tactic? working out to blow off steam.  Bucky was skeptical that it would work, in fact he turned the proposition over in his for two weeks before dragging himself to the local gym.  There luckily weren’t many people in the building when he stepped foot inside. 

“Hi, welcome how can we help you,” the woman at the front desk smiled at him.  He pursed his lips and stepped up to the desk.

“Um, How much is a membership?” he let his eyes drift around at the people and equipment.

“23.06 a month with a $10 star up fee,” she opened the computer.

“Have you been in before?”

“No”

“Would you like a tour?” Bucky let it set for a few seconds.

“ That’d be nice actually” he followed the woman around as she pointed out all the equipment and the locker rooms and ended with a tour of the spa.  He mulled it over and decided to go ahead and sign up, maybe it’d work, maybe not. That was yesterday and today he stepped foot in the gym at a bright and early 5 am.  There were maybe 10 other people in the gym.  He headed to the locker rooms, chewing on the inside of his lip, still skeptical that this would lead anywhere besides his strength being shown off.  A woman ran into his backside, he quickly flipped around.

“Oh shit, I am so so so so sorry, I was on my phone and paying attention,” she stuttered and held her hands up a bit, “Are you okay? I didn’t knock you too hard did I?” panic filled her eyes.  Bucky let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“No, you’re okay just kinda spooked me, ’s all”

“Oh thank god,” she shook her head and laughed. “I haven’t seen you in are you a new member?”

“oh, yeah I uh, I signed up yesterday,” he tried to relax, he did, but he felt on edge in her presence.

“Oh nice, good job for actually coming, some people don’t. it’s a big step,” she seemed to beam,” oh shit, sorry, my name is Y/n,” she held her hand out. He slowly took it in his own.

“James, but my friends all call me bucky,” he shook her hand. 

“okay James, well I’ll let you get to it, um if you ever need a spotter while here I don’t mind,” she smiled before ducking around him to the women's locker room.  Bucky let out another breath and let his eyes wander to where she disappeared. 

He got back to his apartment and flung his bag across the room.  A ding on his phone got his attention. 

“It’s a Match”

It was the girl from the gym, a bright smile in her picture.  How did he not recognize one of the girls he’d swiped on, he sat for a minute, still not sure how to talk to a woman yet and make it sound nice.

Y/n: Hey, don’t mean to be weird but i’m still on if you want a spotter ;)

His breath hitched. He didn’t know her, the whole dating thing felt like a mistake to him.  His head swam a bit as he tried to think of a response. It’s not like he needed a spotter, or even to work out, his therapist just made the suggestion.  He can’t be rude about it, he doesn’t want to push all these women away.  He’d like to make a place in today’s society. 

Y/n: I’ll buy you breakfast tomorrow after, if you’d like

He held the phone tightly.  He swallowed the lump in his throat and let his leg bounce.

B: Sure, sounds good

He sent the message.  He read it over, over, ‘It sounds stupid’ he let his head swim again. 

Y/n: Great, see you at 5?

B: of course

This was a mistake, he felt his stomach churn. 

There she stood, in the offshoot room stretching.  He took in how her legs looked in her leggings, the way her hips looked and how it hugged her ass and thighs,how her white tanktop was slightly see through ‘ Don’t be gross buck He took a deep breath and walked over to her.

“James, you made it,” she smiled and leaned up from her stretch. 

“uh, yeah I couldn’t pass it up,” he smiled awkwardly. She took note of it. 

“So I don’t want to do anything crazy if you don’t want to, we can take it easy today, you just tell me what you’re comfortable with,” her smile never faded.

“Can I be honest,” he looked her over again.  She nodded. “My therapist told me this might help me blow off some steam, I don’t really know how it’s supposed to, I also don’t really need a spotter or to even be here I just- “ she held her hand up to stop him.

“James, I know that, I mean not the therapy part but that you don’t need a spotter.  I just needed an excuse to talk to you if i’m honest too.  I know who you are,” she bit her lip. 

“Y-you do?” he gulped.

“Yeah, You were with the avengers right? I’ve spotted you with them a couple times. I just didn’t want to be weird about it,” she shrugged.  Bucky took another big breath and relaxed his shoulders.

“Where do we start?” she lit up at that. 

The two sat next to each other stretching out, covered in sweat. She was telling him about how she got into the gym life.  He sat and listened, actually happy that she saw his arm and didn’t think twice, happy that she let him talk when comfortable and filled the silence when she realized he just wanted to listen most of the time. 

“So James, where would you like to go for breakfast?” she let her left leg stretch out in front of her and leaned back on her hands. 

“Earnie’s diner still open?” he looked back to her. She nodded and stood up, 

“Sounds like a plan,” she smiled as they walked out.

The two sat across from each other tucked into a table in the back of the restaurant, she had given bucky the back seat so he could look into the restaurant on purpose.  

“So if you don’t mind me asking, how exactly did a guy like you end up on tinder?” she looked up from her plate at his blue eyes.

“My therapist thought it’d help me reintegrate into society. Honestly i’m out of touch with dating, I haven’t really done so since. . .” he trailed off for a second. “But what about you? I mean you’re gorgeous”

She blushed a bit at his words, “Well aren’t you sweet.  Honestly I got out of a bad relationship, a coworker suggested I try it but it mostly led to guys who just want to hookup. Which is fine but I want more than that now,” she shrugged and took a bite of her food.  He studied her every move. 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” He took a sip of coffee.

“It’s okay, I mean it let me get with such a hot date,” she winked at him.  Bucky felt his face go red. 

“I- thank you,” he smirked. They continued to talk and eat. He insisted on walking her home. 

“I had fun today,” she turned to him after unlocking the door.

“I did too,” he smiled, a real smile.  She felt her heart flutter. “Can I take you out to dinner?” 

She blushed bright red. “I can’t tonight, but i’m free thursday,” she looked up at him. 

“It’s a date,” he nodded.

“It’s a date” she smiled and opened her door, “I’ll see you James,”

“Hey Y/n?” 

“Yes?” she turned back to him. 

“Call me Bucky”

“okay, I’ll see you later, Bucky,” she smiled at him and closed her door, leaning against it. 

Maybe the gym wasn’t such a bad idea after all 

A/N: I’m rust on writing as in like I haven’t done it for months. I think I might do a part 2 if people want it, I know it’s not great in sorry.

[ayybtch]

The One

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x f!Reader

Summary: Things are going up and down for you as you try to navigate life after your breakup with Bucky. Everything leads to an accidental run-in with him at a coffee shop that leaves you and Bucky wondering if things could have been different. Based on the song The 1 by Taylor Swift.

Warnings: This is an angsty fic. The reader is actively struggling with mental illness and a breakup. There are mentions of being on antidepressants and symptoms such as anxiety, insomnia, and sometimes not having the energy for personal care, but nothing in-depth.

Word Count: 11,261

A/N: I owe a very special thank you to @borkingbarnes​, who has supportively been screaming at me for writing this ever since I told her this idea and gave me some brilliant suggestions during her beta read. The dividers were made by the lovely @whimsicalrogers​.

“So, how have the new meds been treating you? Are they still making you nauseous after you first take them?”

You looked across the room at your therapist and shook your head, “No, they’re not making me nauseous anymore. I’ve been making sure that I’ve got food in my stomach first and not just a cup of coffee. I’ve also been better about taking them at the same time each day,” you said.

She smiled at you. “Do you feel like they’ve been helping?”

You shrugged and offered a half-smile back. Not satisfied with your answer, she continued probing. “Well, do you feel like you have more energy than on the other meds? Are you sleeping more….?” She trailed off at the end, voice hopeful.

“Oh. Yeah, I have been sleeping a little better. I’ve been sleeping closer to 5 hours each night, though it’s still taking a really long time for me to fall asleep. I’ve had more energy but I don’t know if that’s because of the meds or the sleep?” You trailed off a bit at the end, unsure of if that truly answered her question.

“It could be a mix of both. I’m glad to hear you’re sleeping more though, you weren’t getting very much when you first started seeing me.” She offered you another smile before adjusting herself in her seat and continuing, “Now, what have you been doing with this extra energy? Any new hobbies, catching up with friends, going on dates, anything like that?”

You shook your head no. “I don’t have much of a friend group anymore, not since…” your voice faded before the sentence finished. You closed your eyes and shook your head slightly. Pull yourself together. “I am meeting Natasha after this, actually. She and I were friends before everything and she’s the only one that’s really stuck around since. It’s been about a month since I last saw her so I’m looking forward to seeing her.” The therapist nodded and offered a sympathetic smile that made your stomach turn. You decided to continue before she chimed in.

“I’m running again too. I used to go on a nightly run before things got bad. It’s not for as long or as far as I used to but it’s better than sitting on the couch, I guess.”

She nodded and began writing on her notepad, “That’s wonderful. What do you enjoy about your runs?”

Her question was unexpected and it took you a minute to answer. “It’s peaceful. It’s one of the few times I can shut my brain off and zone out. Though, if it’s a bad day it doesn't always work.”

She nodded and paused, as if trying to carefully choose her next words. “One thing I’ve noticed whenever stuff comes up is that you always talk about ‘before’, but what about the ‘after’? Have you thought about trying to get back out there and start your ‘after’?” An uncomfortable knot formed in your stomach as she spoke.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet,” you whispered.

She pursed her lips but didn’t say anything. Eventually, she nodded and continued to make notes.

                                         ***

The session continued for another half hour before it ended with a smile and a brief conversation with her secretary, confirming your appointment for the same time next week.

As you stepped out the door, you let out a sigh of relief. Therapy sessions were hard. Even though today’s session had been relatively mild, the process was still draining and left you feeling exhausted most days. It really helped though and making the decision to go was one of the best decisions you could have made for yourself. A smile settled on your face as you pulled your jacket tighter across your chest before beginning your walk to meet Natasha.

You had discovered soon after starting therapy that walking to and from the appointment gave you the time you needed to prepare yourself for the session and unwind after. The hustle and bustle of New York created the perfect background noise for you to organize your thoughts. Most days it helped you process the questions the therapist asked. Often, you answered them a little deeper than what you had in the session knowing that nobody would know the real answer except for you.

Guilt gnawed at you as you thought about it. Wasn’t the whole point of therapy to be honest? Were you still getting as much out of it as you could if you were completely honest? You shook your head and sighed. Sometimes there were things better left unsaid.

One of the many things that had been left unsaid had to do with what you missed most about being with him. You had shrugged it off when she asked, saying it was nice having a person around because it was less lonely. While true, the full answer was more painful than you felt comfortable admitting out loud. He had understood you in ways nobody else ever had and nobody else ever would again. It gave you the freedom to be unapologetically you every second of the day. The thought of not being known like that again and having to put on a facade felt like the loneliest existence the universe had to offer. It made your chest ache.

Today though, it gave you the chance to collect your thoughts before Natasha had the opportunity to interrogate you. To be fair, it wasn’t really an interrogation. She was far too gentle when she asked you questions, though you’re sure that’s one of the many techniques she chose from. Interrogation or not though, she would be watching you like a hawk the entire meal to make sure you were actually doing as well as you were claiming.

It wasn’t long before you were standing outside Natasha’s favorite Italian restaurant. She always recommended meeting up here purely because of the breadsticks. She swore they were the best in New York and ate at least three full baskets by herself each visit. You paused before entering, suddenly nervous about how it would go. There’s nothing to worry about, Natasha isn’t going to bring him up and isn’t going to push me past my boundaries. You weren’t quite as convinced as you would have liked to be, but you couldn’t delay it any longer as you stepped inside.

A blast of warm air surrounded you as you were greeted by the hostess. It didn’t take for her to lead you back to where Natasha was sitting, a glass of wine already in her hand. A second sat waiting on the table for you.

You walked over, bending down to give her a side hug and a peck on the cheek.

“You’re late,” she said reproachfully, eyes zeroed in on yours.

“I know, I’m sorry. My session went a little over today.” You pulled out your chair and sat down before continuing, “How are you? It’s good to see you.”

Natasha smiled brightly. “I’ve been good. I’ve been really looking forward to this, I was so happy when you said yes. It feels like it’s been years since I’ve seen you.” You grinned slightly and she continued. “I’m sorry that it’s been so long since we’ve had a chance to catch up. Work has been keeping me even busier than usual. Stark has been working on all sorts of new tech developments and has somehow recruited me for testing.”

You nodded as you took a sip of your wine, “Nothing he’s made has killed you yet. That’s impressive.”

She snorted, “He’s lucky I didn’t flat out say no. His last update to the Falcon wings sent Wilson through the ceiling and landed him in the medbay for three days with a concussion.” Natasha noticed the look of concern on your face and waved her hand as she sipped on her wine. “He’s fine, don’t worry. All of the Avengers men have skulls harder than concrete.” The two of you burst into laughter at the thought.

A waiter arrived as your laughter died down to take your orders and to refill Natasha’s wine glass. You both thanked him as he turned to walk away. A quiet settled over the table and Natasha’s gaze landed firmly on you.

“So how have you been?” she asked softly, voice far gentler than anyone would expect from a former assassin. You shrugged and avoided eye contact.

“Some days are better than others,” you said, “Overall things are better than they’ve been for a while now though. My shrink has me on some new meds that seem to be helping and I’ve been working harder on doing little things to take care of myself every day, not just the good days.”

Natasha nodded, eyes still fixed on you. Slowly, she reached a hand out across the table and placed it on top of yours. “You know I’m always here for you, right? You can call me any time of day and as long as I’m not on a mission, I can be at your apartment within the hour.”

You felt a lump form in your throat at her words. You nodded quickly, eyes blinking fast to try and keep the tears that were welling up from falling. She gave your hand a quick squeeze before pulling back.

“Now where the hell are our breadsticks? This is going to be a failed meal if I have less than twelve in me before the main dish arrives.” Her words made you burst out laughing once again and succeeded in putting a smile on your face for the remainder of the meal.

                                        ***

“Are you sure I can’t drive you back to your apartment?” Natasha asked, wrapping her scarf around her neck as the two of you stepped out of the restaurant. You nodded at her and smiled.

“I enjoy walking, it clears my mind,” you said. She let out a disapproving hum but didn’t argue further. She pulled you into a bone-crushing hug before turning and walking towards where her car was parked. You watched as she stepped in and waved as she pulled out of the parking lot. You stood and watched until her car was out of sight before turning to start the walk home.

As it was on the walk to the restaurant, the busy streets provided the perfect background noise needed for you to quiet your mind. You focused on your breathing, allowing yourself to try and channel any residual nervous energy outward. With each breath, the faces passing by began to blur. Neon signs hanging in the windows of the shops you passed by became nothing more than a gentle glow in your peripheral. With each step you took, the background seamlessly blended together more and your focus on yourself heightened. A sense of calm settled itself in your chest. The feeling grew stronger with each block you passed until a small smile made its way onto your face. That feeling ended abruptly as you turned around the next block.  

There was a large crowd waiting at the bus stop, but your eyes focused on one man. You stared at his silhouette, panic building with each second. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of you and your feet had magically turned into cinder blocks. Is that...? No, it couldn’t be…

Almost as if he heard your thoughts, the man turned slightly so you could see his face, and a sigh of relief left you. You stood there a moment longer to examine his side profile. It wasn’t him; he just happened to look like him. He was about the same height and weight, with similar chocolate waves. Your eyes landed on his light brown leather jacket and a lump formed in your throat. He had worn a similar jacket the day you met. It felt like being thrown back in time as you continued to stare at the man in front of you.

Natasha drug you through a hallway, not caring about your protests to slow down. “I have someone I want you to meet.” She smirked as she spoke, leaving you to wonder what she was plotting.

A group of choices greeted the two of you as you entered the room. You waved at Steve and Sharon sitting on the couch as Natasha continued to pull you across the room to where two men were standing. One of the men was Sam, whom you had met the last time Natasha brought you to the compound. The other was Bucky Barnes. You hadn’t met him before but you knew who he was. It was impossible not to given how public everything about Hydra had become.

“Barnes, I have someone I’d like you to meet,” Natasha said, turning slightly towards you.

Bucky turned to look at you, offering a charming smile as he held out his hand. “Nice to meet you, ma’am. I’m Bucky.”

You shook his hand and introduced yourself, hoping to god you didn’t look as flustered as you felt. The pictures of him floating around on the news did not do him justice. Bucky was absolutely breathtaking. His smile lit up his eyes in a way no camera could ever hope to capture. His hair was cropped just above his shoulders, falling into a beautiful wavy pattern. You realized you were staring and felt your face get hot.

“Uh, I like your jacket,” you mumbled, hoping he hadn’t realized you were staring. The leather jacket was a beautiful light brown. It looked old, but well loved at the same time.

He smiled widely at you, “Thanks! Leather jackets are kind of my thing. Sam here thinks I have too many but there’s no such thing as too many leather jackets, wouldn’t you agree?”

As the memory floated away, you couldn’t help but think how Bucky probably would’ve gone up to the man to ask about his jacket. You chuckled at the thought. As soon as he walked away, he would’ve immediately started looking up where he could find one for his own closet. It didn’t matter how many leather jackets he had. He always wanted more.

The chuckle died on your lips and was replaced by an uncomfortable knot settling in your stomach. A heavy weight fell on your chest and you forced yourself to find the energy to trudge forward.

The remainder of the walk was a blur, but not in the same way it had been before. This wasn’t the good kind of blur that helped you to focus. It was the kind that left you feeling suffocated and as if everything would come crashing down all at once. That had been the first happy thought about Bucky since the two of you broke up. His presence in your thoughts was so strong, he might as well have been walking right next to you. You could practically feel his knuckles brushing against yours with each step you took. If you closed your eyes, you swore you could smell his cologne.

The harsh reality of how alone you were hit you as the greeting from your apartment’s doorman pulled you from your thoughts. You shot him a small smile before rushing inside and all but sprinting up the stairs. Your hands shook as you unlocked the door to your apartment, though you couldn't tell if it was from your thoughts of Bucky or from the sudden burst of energy that left you slightly winded.

Once inside, you rushed to your bedroom and changed into the first sports bra and pair of leggings you saw. You needed to get Bucky off your mind and the only way you knew how was to run. It was going to be a long run tonight.

The doorman waved at you again as you exited the building, surprised to see you again so soon. “Someone is feeling motivated today I see,” he joked. You shrugged and slowly began to jog.

                                        ***

It took a while to get into your groove, but once you were there you felt good. The movement helped settle the anxious energy that had been building since you had seen the man at the bus stop, while the steady breathing brought your focus back to the here and now just like it had before. That’s something else to mention if she asks about my runs again, you thought.  These runs bring my focus to this exact moment in time.

That thought was lost as you passed a small, hole in the wall theater. Small groups were exiting the building, each talking excitedly amongst themselves about the movie that had just finished. The nauseous feeling from earlier came back as memories resurfaced. That was Bucky’s favorite movie theater. Every Sunday they played movies from the 1920s and 1930s. He used to drag you along with him whenever he saw one he remembered from his childhood. Each time he swore up and down that you were about to experience a cinematic masterpiece like no other and that it would change the way you looked at movies. You always rolled your eyes as he said it, but the magic you felt in that theater with him was like no other.

Movies made back then were so different from the movies made now. The characters felt so much more real. They were allowed to be people. Their faults and flaws didn’t take away from the good things about them. These films never failed to make you feel all of the emotions you were meant to feel and each time you exited the theater, you couldn’t help but wish you could’ve remained in that little bubble just a few minutes longer. Those bittersweet feelings about the ending never lasted long though, as Bucky would wrap his arm around your shoulder and proceed to talk your ear off about the movie until you made it home.

“You know Doll, the greatest films of all time were never made,” he said, smiling down at you.

You just laughed and shook your head.“Bucky that makes absolutely no sense.”

Bucky rolled his eyes dramatically, making you laugh again. “Think about it though, how many movies haven’t been made because someone decided they weren’t good enough for the big screen? How many stories have been brought into existence but never been told to another living soul?”

A car horn brought you back into reality. Bitterness crept into your chest as you processed the memory that had just played out picture-perfect in your mind. Those afternoons with him in the theater had been some of the best afternoons of your life. Even if you weren’t crazy about the movie, Bucky’s sheer excitement about it was enough to convince you of how wonderful it truly was. If only he had felt that same amount of joy in other areas of your relationship.

Your bitterness slowly began to turn to anger as you thought about the last few months of being with Bucky. Sunday matinees had stopped being a regular thing as Bucky’s work schedule picked up until they stopped happening entirely. His new position training new SHIELD agents and prospective new members to the Avenger ate away at his time. All of his time. It got to the point Bucky never stopped working. Even at home, his thoughts were on paperwork to be filed, training to be planned, or meetings to be run. You’d be sitting on the couch next to him trying to talk only to receive disinterested “hmms” or the occasional “That’s nice honey.”

You tried bringing it up to no avail. He always brushed it off and said things would calm down eventually and that he just needed you to hold out a bit longer. He never outright said his work was more important to him but the implication was there and you felt the weight of it every single day. You bit your tongue and played along for a while, but after several months of hearing the same excuses, you finally snapped. Unfortunately, so did Bucky.

“All you ever do is work. I can’t remember the last time we went and did something together. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time you cared enough to even ask me about my day. It’s like you don’t even want me around anymore,” you hissed, glaring at Bucky.

“Excuse me for caring about my fucking job. One of us has to if we’re going to continue affording this place,” he scoffed.

Ice filled your veins as you stared at him, fist clenched at your side. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on, we both know you’re barely getting your work done on time. You lay here on the couch all day watching TV. You’re lucky you’re allowed to work from home because you look like a walking disaster half the time. You’ve stopped wearing clean clothes, you hardly shower, you hardly eat, and you hardly sleep. Face it, you’re depressed.” His voice was flat as he spoke.

You furiously blinked back tears that were trying to well up as you processed his words. “First of all, I am not depressed,” you muttered, “Second, if I’m such a walking disaster then what are you even still doing here?”

“I am still here because I care about you. I have lost track of how many times I have asked you to get help. I’ve been where you are, I know what you’re going through and I know what it takes to come back from it. If you never bleed, you’re never going to grow. If you can’t move past this, then we -” he paused to motion between the two of you “- can’t move past this.” His eyes never left yours as he spoke. There was no malice in them, but there was also none of the kindness or warmth you wished for. His gaze just felt indifferent.  

You remained silent as you tried to find words. Bucky continued watching you, waiting expectantly for a response. A response never came, however, and he let out a loud sigh.

“If you don’t have anything to say to that, then I think we’re done here. I can’t keep doing this anymore. I love you, but neither of us is happy. I can’t give you what you want and you can’t give me what I need,” Without another word, Bucky grabbed his coat and walked out the front door of the apartment.

That was the last time that you saw Bucky. He had sent you a text a few days later asking when a good time to come pick up his stuff would be. You responded begrudgingly, telling yourself that the sooner his stuff was gone the sooner your life could get back to normal. When the day came, you forced yourself to get out of the apartment. The thought of seeing him after what went down between you left you seeing red. When you finally went back after he left, you felt none of the happy emotions you had convinced yourself you would feel.

Instead, you felt the empty spots in the room. Every missing item you noticed felt like a blow to the stomach and caused fresh tears to well up in your eyes. Pictures were no longer hanging from the walls; random gaps were in the bookshelves; his leather jacket was no longer slung across the back of the chair he loved in the living room. You stumbled back to your room with your eyes closed, refusing to see what other memories had been ripped from their rightful homes. Once there, you collapsed on the bed and laid there for two days. It wasn’t until Natasha broke into your apartment to check on you after countless missed calls and ignored texts that you finally moved from that spot.

For the millionth time that day, your stomach twisted as thoughts of Bucky floated around in your head. Despite it all, you regretted not being there when he came to get his things. There was never a proper goodbye between you and the thought drove you mad sometimes. Maybe if I had been there, we could’ve worked this out. You scoffed at the thought, but couldn’t deny the heaviness lingering in your chest.

At times you considered reaching out to him, wondering if he would be willing to give you the closure you so desperately needed. Even if it was just over text, it might be better than the nothing you currently had. You still had his number. The two of you even still followed each other on social media. He liked what few posts you made, but you had never been able to bring yourself to look at the stuff he posted. The lines of communication were there, you just had to use them. But communication is a two-way street; if he wanted to talk to you, he’d reach out. Right? That thought had kept you from texting him more times than you could possibly count.

Questions about what could have happened that day swirled throughout your head as your feet pounded against the pavement. Could you have fixed things, or would it still have ended in breaking up? Could you have agreed to still be friends? Would you have at least been able to say goodbye, or would he have walked silently out the door again?

The thoughts continued to plague you until the ache in your legs was too strong to take another step. Out of breath, you looked around at where you stopped trying to figure out how far you had run. It wasn’t until you noticed the fountain about a dozen feet behind you that you realized where you were.

Tony had once rented out a plaza nearby for a 1920s themed fundraiser gala the first year you and Bucky were dating. The gala was the first public event you ever attended with him, though it certainly hadn’t been your last. Natasha had taken you shopping and helped you find a flapper-style dress leading up to it. The two of you did your hair and makeup together, giggling about how you felt like you were getting ready for a high school dance. When you stepped out of the room with Natasha, Bucky wasn’t able to speak. He spent the whole night staring at you like a lovestruck teenager, only to turn bright red whenever someone mentioned it.

Towards the end of the night, you and Bucky had drunkenly stumbled out of the plaza to escape the crowd and found your way over to this fountain. Rather, you had stumbled out drunkenly. Bucky wasn’t affected by human alcohol and hardly had any of the Asgardian mead Thor had so generously brought. While he was a little more cheery than usual, he wasn’t intoxicated enough to even pretend like he was tipsy.

A giggle left your lips as you stumbled forward. “Bucky, I need to find somewhere to sit down. I need to take off my heels.”

Bucky laughed at you and picked you up, carrying you bridal style. He spun around slowly as he searched for somewhere he could set you down. His eyes eventually settled on the fountain and began walking towards it. He carefully set you down before sitting down next to you. His eyes were fixed on you as you took off your shoes, a sigh of relief leaving your mouth as you did. You smiled over at him, before turning around to stare at the fountain in wonder. A giggle left your lips as you pulled up your dress and began walking around in the fountain.

You laughed any time you went through a jet of water. The temperature difference was soothing against your skin and almost left a tickling sensation as you passed. Eventually, you arrived back at where he was sitting and the smile on his face filled your stomach with butterflies. You bent down slightly to press your lips against his, your hands making their way through his hair. His hands landed on your hips and pulled you closer to him. You felt dizzy as he held you, though you weren’t sure if it was him or the glasses of champagne. You pulled away abruptly as an idea struck you, leading to Bucky’s eyes opening in confusion. His gaze fell upon the mischievous look you wore and he opened his mouth to speak. Before he managed to make a sound, your hands left his hair and were reaching down to splash water onto him.

He tried to catch your hands to stop you, but you stepped back just out of reach, but not far enough you couldn’t keep splashing him. Without a word, he reached down to take off his shoes and socks. A gasp left you as he stepped into the fountain and you rushed to hide behind the fountain’s centerpiece. He chased after you, hands eventually catching your waist and spinning you around to face him. He stared down at you, wonder and adoration written on his face. He slowly leaned forward to press his lips against yours.

The dizzy feeling from before came back, though this time you could say with absolute certainty it was because of the man standing in front of you. His lips were so soft against yours, yet still carried such a force they left you breathless. Fireworks had nothing on how he made you feel. No words could ever hope to describe the love and adoration bursting in your chest.

This time, he was the one to pull back first. He moved his lips up slightly, pressing a kiss to your nose and your forehead before leaning his head against yours. “Would you like to dance?”

You nodded and the two of you began to slow dance in the fountain. You don’t know how long you were in the fountain dancing; it felt like eternity paused to give you and your love all the time the universe had to give so you could enjoy this moment a little longer. The only sensations tying you to reality were Bucky’s warmth and the cool water moving at your feet as Bucky spun you around. You pulled away slightly and smiled at him. “We should make a wish,” you said.

Bucky looked at you with confusion. “A wish?”

You nodded, a small smile filling your face, “You know, toss some coins into the fountain and make a wish as we do.”

The laugh that left his lips made your heart flutter. “I don’t think this is a wishing-well. Although -” he paused to laugh again, “-I hardly think they meant for anyone to dance around in it either, so why not.” One of his hands left yours and reached into his pocket, looking for his wallet. He opened it and pulled out two pennies and handed one to you. “It looks like we only get one wish each tonight, so we’d better make it a good one.”

You stared down at the penny in your hand, wondering what wish could possibly be better than the night you were currently having with Bucky. The wish hit you suddenly, a smile breaking out on your face. You pressed your lips to the penny and wished with all your might, ‘I wish for us to have more moments like this together, from now through the rest of our days”. You opened your eyes and tossed the penny outward. Bucky’s coin was soon nestled safely at the bottom of the fountain with yours.

“What did you wish for?” he asked, pulling you back into his arms to continue dancing.

“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” you teased, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek as he spun you. “And let me tell you, I really want this wish to come true.”

Bucky chuckled, “Me too honey, me too.”

Your eyes came back into focus and a quiet sob left you. You stood in front of the fountain and cried into your hands, cursing all of the emotions you felt. That night had left you convinced that Bucky Barnes was the one. You had fallen asleep dreaming of dancing like that with him at your wedding. But now? Now all you wanted to do was scream. You wanted to scream at him, at yourself, and at the universe for being cruel enough to lead you back to this fountain without him at your side.

As the tears began to slow, a new kind of weight settled in your chest. He really could have been the one. He could have been everything you dreamed of and more, but there was nothing you could do to go back in time to change things. He decided to walk out that door and leave you with nothing more than an empty space in your heart, one to match the empty spaces he left in your apartment.

The questions the therapist had asked you started ringing through your ears as you continued to stare blankly at the fountain. What about the ‘after’? Maybe she had a point bringing it up today. You were still stuck in the ‘before’. Maybe it was finally time to start moving on. Missing items could be replaced; missing love could be given by someone else. All you had to do was make the decision to take your first steps into the ‘after’.

Your feet remained glued in place as you tried to make sense of it all.

You were confused as to where you were. Looking around, nothing seemed familiar. It wasn’t until a familiar silhouette caught your attention that you realized where you were. Bucky stood at the top of the mountain, staring down at the canyon below. Green trees and bushes lined the ground and the air was filled with the sound of birds chirping. The view was beautiful, but you couldn’t stop staring at Bucky. He looked the same, yet something felt different. Bucky seemed calmer than you had seen him in years, almost as if all of his stress had faded away. His body language was relaxed and he seemed to be in no rush to leave where he was.

Suddenly, the once green mountain top was now covered in a blanket of snow. Bucky was now wearing a thick winter coat and was strapping his feet onto a snowboard. He soon had his helmet and goggles on and began his descent down the mountain. It felt like you were flying along with him as you watched him expertly weave his way through the trees. The ease at which he moved confused you. Since when did Bucky know how to snowboard? He expressed wanting to try but never had while you were together. Confusion clouded your mind until Bucky reached the bottom of the mountain and came to a halt. He removed his helmet and a look of pure exhilaration filled his face. His excitement made your heart burst. As you reached out to try and touch him, the scene changed once again.

This time you were in the middle of the ocean. The vast expanse of blue was the only visible thing in sight other than Bucky. He was in full scuba gear, just floating there waiting. He was so still that if it weren't for the stream of bubbles that came with each exhale, you wouldn’t have been able to tell if he was breathing. Out of nowhere, a shape appeared in the distance. As it got closer, you felt your stomach drop. A large shark swam slowly towards Bucky. You rolled your eyes at the realization. Of course, he would go swimming with sharks with no safety cage. That idiot had no respect for your nerves or your -

You were woken up abruptly by the sound of your phone ringing. You groaned and cursed yourself for it somehow not being on silent. In your confused state, you reached out and slowly felt around on the top of your nightstand trying to find your phone. Once you found it, you tilted the screen so you could see who was calling. A beautiful picture of Natasha filled your screen and you sighed. Only Natasha could call randomly and happen to wake you up from a dream about Bucky. You pressed the answer button and begrudgingly brought the phone to your ear.

“Morning, you better have a good reason for waking me up,” you mumbled, letting out a yawn as you finished speaking.

“It’s past noon, you know. Most decent people are already up by now,” You could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke.

“Shut up. It’s still morning if I haven’t gotten out of bed yet. What do you want? I was having a nice dream.”

Your gruff response got a laugh from Natasha. “Well I was calling to see how your Tinder date went last night, but now I’m wondering if I should be asking what you were dreaming about that has you being this testy,” she teased.

You rubbed your eyes and groaned, “The dream was nothing special, I’m just mad you woke me up. The Tinder date was also nothing to write home about. The guy was awful. He started off super charming like they always do, but he got snappy with our waitress and then tried to get snappy with me when I called him out on it. I paid for my half of the bill and left as quickly as I could.”

“Ugh, gross. Men are actually the worst,” Natasha said. You hummed in agreement and she continued, “So are you ready for me to start setting you up, or are you going to keep giving these Tinder people a try?”

You sighed and paused for a moment to think. “Nat, I know you’re trying to help but the only people you have that you can set me up with are all SHIELD employees. I don’t see it ending well if I go down that path given my prior dating history.”

A scoff came through the phone. “He’s dating again too, so he has no right to be pissy about anything if that’s what you’re worried about. Besides, he was also the one who ended it so he doubly has no right to be upset.”

You sat up straight as she spoke, your stomach dropping at the thought. “He’s dating again?” Your voice sounded small, smaller than it had in ages.

This time it was Natasha’s turn to pause before responding. “Yes. He’s taken a few of the receptionists here out on coffee dates, but nothing seems to be sticking. If Wilson is to be believed, he’s also on Tinder. I can’t imagine that’s working out very well for him either though.”

You felt nauseous, but you forced yourself to pause to recenter your thoughts. Of course he would be dating again. It’s been almost a year since you broke up. If you’re dating again, it only makes sense that he is as well. He deserves to be happy too. A heavy sigh left you, “Well, I hope he’s having better luck than I am.”

                                        ***

You were on the phone with Natasha for another twenty minutes before she had to go. It felt nice catching up with her, and the two of you made plans for another lunch get together later in the week. The conversation had quickly transitioned away from dating, but the fact Bucky was dating again lingered in the back of your mind for the entirety of the call.

You had been on Tinder for a while now, but somehow it never occurred to you that he might be too. How does a superhero just casually join the worst dating app in existence? Do people actually believe it’s him when they come across his profile? You couldn’t help but snort at the thought. Conversations on dating apps sucked enough as it is, but having to try and prove you’re who you say you are the way Bucky must have to certainly would make it that much less enjoyable.

Almost as if it knew you were thinking about it, a Tinder notification popped up on your lock screen. You opened up the app and saw two new messages from someone you had matched with. You typed out a response and then proceeded to scroll through the list of other potential matches. Most of the profiles you looked at were immediate no’s, but there were a few you swiped right on. It never ceased to amaze you how bad the men on this app were at smiling in pictures. Most of them had only a slight grin in one or two pictures. Any profile with a man properly smiling almost always got a swipe right. The only other type of picture that had that sort of response was for cute cats and dogs.

You continued to swipe, pausing occasionally to respond to a message. Out of nowhere, a familiar pair of blue eyes started staring up at you, causing you to nearly drop your phone in surprise. Of course the day you find out Bucky is on Tinder is the day you come across his profile. You quickly took a screenshot before swiping left and exiting out of the app. You sent the screenshot to Natasha. She responded almost immediately, Guess Wilson was telling the truth 🙄

You laughed at her response as you got out of bed, ready to finally start your day.

                                        ***

A sigh of relief left you as you collapsed on your couch after spending most of the afternoon running errands. It hadn’t been anything too bad, but that didn’t stop you from being thankful it was over. You laid there for a few minutes, just enjoying the stillness and the comfort of being on your couch. Once settled, you reached over to the coffee table and grabbed the glass of wine you had poured, and opened up your phone.

You opened up Snapchat and responded to the few snaps you had from Natasha and other friends before opening up Instagram. You mindlessly watched people’s stories, skipping through any of the ones that didn’t interest you. You paused however on Bucky’s.

He was standing next to a beautiful woman, each of them holding a painting in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Both of them had smiles that filled their faces. You stared at the picture, unsure of what you should be feeling. On one hand, it was nice seeing him so relaxed and happy. His posture reminded you eerily of how he looked in your dream. On the other hand, you couldn’t help but feel a touch of bitterness. You had practically begged him to go with you to a wine and paint night while you were together. He always used work as an excuse, either he was too tired from work or he had too much work left to do. You stared at the picture for a minute longer, wondering if they’d be going home together or parting ways for the night. You sighed, shaking your head at your own stupidity before continuing to scroll.

The wind blew violently around you as you struggled to make your way up the street. The weather turned unexpectedly as you were out on your run, so you rushed towards the closest coffee shop hoping to wait out the weather and avoid having to pay for a cab back home. The barista greeted you as you stepped inside and you offered her a smile.

“What can I get for you?” she asked.

You stared up at the menu, considering your options. “One large hazelnut latte and a cinnamon roll, please.”

She entered everything into the computer and you held out your card for her. Once your payment was processed, you turned to find a seat. The coffee shop was crowded, no doubt due to the bad weather driving people indoors. You looked around unsuccessfully and had almost resigned yourself to standing when a familiar voice called out.

You jumped at the sound. You turned around and made eye contact with Bucky Barnes for the first time since he walked out your front door. He was sitting there grinning ear to ear, almost as if he was genuinely happy to see you. The thought made your heart burst and it was impossible to hold back an equally big smile.

“Hey Bucky, how’s it going?”

“It’s going really well! Thanks for asking,” he paused and looked around before continuing, “Do you want to sit down? There’s not a lot of seating left and it’s just me here.” His hand gestured towards the empty seat across from him as he spoke.

You paused, unsure of if you should take it or continue to look elsewhere. You looked around the room for an empty seat but didn’t see any. Well, I guess we’re doing this. You stepped forward and mumbled out a thanks as you sat down.

“I’m kind of surprised to see you here if I’m honest. I didn’t think you came to this part of the city very often,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“I generally don’t. The weather took a bit of a nasty turn while I was out on my run. I stepped in hoping that by the time I’m ready to leave it’ll have calmed down.”

Another smile broke out across his face as you spoke. “You’re running again? That’s awesome.” He sounded sincere as he spoke which made you smile back.

You nodded, but before you could respond the barista arrived with your coffee and cinnamon roll. You thanked her and took a long sip of your coffee, enjoying the warmth you felt as you did. An awkward silence filled the air as both of you tried to size the other up. You decided to break the silence.

“So, what’s new with you?”

                                        ***

An hour later, the two of you were still chatting away happily at the table. Once the conversation started, it didn’t stop. Everything felt like it had at the start of your relationship: easy, comfortable, and filled with excitement. The only pauses that occurred were when the barista refilled both of your coffees and brought Bucky a cinnamon roll, which he ordered after you spent five minutes going on about how incredible it was.

One of the things you had forgotten about being around Bucky was the warmth he exuded. Even on his worst days, he had the unwavering ability to make the room feel safe. You couldn’t ever quite pin down whether it had to do with his cologne being a comforting smell or if that’s just who he was. All you knew is that he always left you aching to lean into his chest and stay there until you absolutely couldn’t. Needless to say, today it left you feeling quite confused given everything that had happened between you.

The thoughts you had several months ago about getting closure were brought back to the forefront of your mind. How had things gotten so bad between you? How had both of you let this wonderful thing fall to pieces without even one final attempt at holding it together? Each little pause in the conversation as you transitioned between topics left you aching to ask all of the questions you had. Everything was so easy and so smooth between you today that you almost felt hope that things were salvageable between you. Maybe, just maybe, your fountain wish could still come true. As you were finally working up the courage to ask, his next sentence knocked all other thoughts out of your head.

“Did you hear that Steve and Sharon are finally engaged? Took that meathead long enough to ask.”

A gasp left your mouth, “No way! It’s about freaking time. Have they picked a date yet?”

He nodded. “First weekend in June. Sharon’s already picked their wedding colors too; sage green and rose gold. She explicitly said she picked rose gold because she wants to serve that rosé champagne you introduced her to. It’s still her favorite to this day.”

A bittersweet smile made its way onto your face as you thought about what he said. You had brought two bottles of that sparking rosé to a dinner Sharon hosted once, back when she and Steve were still circling around their feelings for each other. Sharon had barely taken her first sip before asking you for details on where you bought it. Ever since, Sharon always had a bottle in her fridge. Her friendship was the one you missed the most after the breakup. There had been a few half-hearted attempts from both of you to reach out, but each time her responses felt forced. Eventually you stopped trying.

“Well, I’m sure it’ll be a beautiful wedding. They deserve it,” you said. A chuckle left your lips as a new thought entered your head. “How on Earth is Steve going to choose between you and Sam for best man?”

Bucky joined in on your laughter, making your stomach do summersault after summersault. “Sam and I were actually wondering the same thing, but apparently they’ve decided to not do a bridal party. That makes things easy for me though. I get to kick back and enjoy the wedding knowing I have no responsibilities.”

The idea of Bucky having a blast at a wedding made you smile. The smile faded slightly as you realized this meant Bucky was now going to need a date for this wedding. Images of him in a fancy suit, twirling another woman around the way he had in the fountain with you flashed before your eyes. You felt your heart breaking all over again at the thought of how it could’ve been you if you hadn’t fucked it all up. How stupid could you have been thinking the two of you could talk things out after all this time. He’s probably already planning on asking that girl from the wine and paint night to go with him. She had appeared on his social media several times since that night and each time it made your chest ache a little more. Bucky’s voice broke you from your thoughts.

“Hey, you okay?”

You swallowed thickly and nodded. You tried smiling but felt yourself falter and knew he noticed it too. “Yeah, just caught up in my thoughts.” You needed to get out of here and fast. Conveniently, your phone screen lit up and you were able to fake gasp at the time. “Oh my god, look how late it is. I really should get going.”

Bucky stared at you, unsure of how to respond to the sudden change in the atmosphere. You stood and rushed to collect your things.

“It was really nice seeing you again Bucky,” you said, offering him a half-smile as you take your first steps away from the table. He nodded, still looking unconvinced.

“It really was. Maybe we could do this again sometime?” He asked, trying his hardest to keep too much optimism from creeping into his voice.

Your eyes went wide with surprise, but you slowly nodded. “Yeah, maybe.”

The same awkward silence from before filled the air, only this time neither of you seemed to know how to break it. You offered a small wave and made your way out the door, refusing to turn around and hug him despite how strongly your body was screaming at you to do so.

Bucky stood there staring after you until you were out of sight. A sigh left him after you rounded a corner and he began to collect his things.

                                        ***

Bucky had made his way back to the Avengers compound with relative ease, though his mind was still stuck back at the coffee shop with you. He had nearly choked on his coffee when he saw you walk in and hardly realized what he was doing when he called out to you. His mind had started screaming at him from the second he offered you a seat and apparently had yet to find a good enough reason to stop. Talking to you had been magical. He had forgotten how well the two of you meshed once a conversation was started. Nobody else had ever been able to keep up with his constant jumping between topics, not even Sam and Steve. You never made him feel bad for his quick transitions; you just understood and accepted that was the way his mind worked. Even after all that time, you took it all in stride.

An unexpected slam of a cabinet door caught his attention as he made his way through the communal kitchen. Sam was standing there, unloading dishes from the dishwasher. Bucky greeted the man with a gentle nod of the head as he pulled out one of the barstools to sit.

“That was a long coffee shop visit, you run into a cute girl there?” Sam teased, smirk playing across his face.

“I ran into her.”

Sam’s motions paused as he processed Bucky’s words. He looked up at his friend, who was conveniently not meeting his gaze, unsure of how to respond. “Her as in…?”

Bucky nodded and Sam let out a slow puff of air. “How are you feeling?” Sam asked cautiously.

It took a few minutes for Bucky to find the words. “You know Sammy, I actually don’t know. There are too many contradictory feelings in my head to pinpoint just one.” He finally looked up and met Sam’s eyes.

Sam motioned for him to continue.

“It was so nice to see her again and talk to her. It made me feel like things were back when we were both still head over heels in love with each other. She’s doing so well. She’s made huge progress mentally, she’s been given a promotion at work, she’s just out there living her life. It made me so happy to see...

“But the happier I got sitting there talking to her, the angrier I got with myself for being such an ass while I was with her. Who has a woman like that in their life and chooses to ignore her for work? What kind of jerk does that?” He paused for a moment, staring down at his feet before continuing.

“There was a moment where she looked at me and I looked at her and I just knew we were both wondering where the hell we went so wrong. She looked like she wanted to say something so badly, but decided against it and just...got up and left. I kinda deserved it though-” he let out a dark chuckle, “- it’s what I did to her after all.”

Sam had continued unloading the dishes as Bucky spoke, trying to keep things casual while he got everything off his chest. Once Sam knew Bucky was done, he paused and rested both hands on the counter to give his friend his full attention.

“Yeah, you were an ass who put work first. She was a great girl who loved you unconditionally. You let her down and yourself down too. But she also had her issues that contributed to what happened. It’s not all on you.” Sam shot a reassuring smile at Bucky.

Bucky nodded, knowing Sam was right. He couldn’t help but sigh and put his head in his hands though as more thoughts swirled around in his head. “I can’t help but think about how my actions probably worsened things for her though, you know? She was depressed for a while before I started acting that way, but I certainly didn’t help the situation. And just...I walked out on her. I walked out and didn’t even give her a proper goodbye.”

Sam stood still and nodded along. “You did, but what you’re forgetting is that you also did because it was also the best thing for you at the time. Both of you were unhappy with who the other was becoming at that time. Sometimes breaking up is the best route to take and they don’t always end with a clear-cut goodbye. You guys may have missed out on some closure, but if today went as well as you said it did, maybe you’ve got a different kind of closure coming down the pipe.”

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked up at his friend. “What do you mean?”

Sam rolled his eyes and laughed softly, “Man, what did your dumb ass do with girls before I came along?” He continued laughing for a moment before resuming, “What I’m getting at is that if today went as well as you think before the awkward ending, what if there’s a possibility of reconciling? Even if it’s not in a romantic sense, you could always try and be friends.”

For a moment, Bucky’s heart surged. Maybe Sam was right, maybe things could be fixed. He knew things were going well before you got up to leave, maybe he could try and make things right.

Then, the memory of how uneasy and uncomfortable you looked at the end of the conversation replayed in his mind. He felt his throat tighten and tears well up in his eyes. You didn’t want him back. He had his chance today and he blew it.

He shook his head slowly and whispered, “I don’t think that’s going to happen, Sammy.”

                                        ***

Sam eventually let the topic drop and Bucky was free to make his way back to his rooms. A familiar meow rang out from across the room and was soon followed by the sound of excited footsteps rushing towards him. Alpine rubbed himself against Bucky’s legs, meowing expectantly. He chuckled and crouched down to rub Alpine’s ears.

“Hey there buddy, did you miss me?”

Alpine meowed, almost as if to say yes. Bucky smiled and picked up the cat before standing up. He made his way to his bedroom and let Alpine jump down onto the bed once they were close enough. His boots were kicked off haphazardly at the foot of the bed before he climbed into bed. Alpine came and curled up under one of his arms, purring slightly as he did. A sigh left him as he mindlessly pet the cat and adjusted his position until he was comfortable.

Bucky’s thoughts turned back to you almost immediately. His heart ached as he began to relive the night he knew he had fallen in love with you. How he wished he could go back in time and experience it all over again.

“So, Stark is holding a fundraiser in about three weeks. I was wondering if you’d like to come with me?” Bucky asked.

The smile on your face made his heart flutter. “Of course! What’s the dress code?” you asked. “I’m not sure if I have anything fancy enough to wear to a Stark gala.”

“It’s a 1920s theme. I’m not entirely sure what he means by that though, considering I was barely old enough to remember the first half of the decade.”

A teasing smile broke out across your face as he spoke. “So what you're telling me is the oldest man in the room somehow still isn’t old enough to remember the roaring twenties? Tsk tsk,” Your teasing tone made him laugh and lean over to kiss you.

“I’ll have you know young lady -” he paused to place kisses all over your face “- this is a completely unacceptable thing to say. Don’t you know you should respect your elders?” You continued to giggle as he continued to kiss you.

                                        ***

On the day of the gala, you were whisked away early in the day by Natasha. She claimed the whole day was needed to properly prepare, which left Bucky standing there rolling his eyes. But when you finally stepped out of the elevator into the lobby of the compound, Bucky felt his heart stop. You looked ethereal. The flapper style dress you were wearing fit you perfectly, your hair was elegantly framing your face, and your lips were painted the most perfect shade of red he had ever seen. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you the entire night.

By the end of the night, the champagne finally had gone to your head and you were desperate to leave. You grabbed his hand giggling, rushing as quickly as you could out of the reserved plaza. You stumbled a few times over the uneven cobblestones, so he kept a hand on your waist just in case.

“Bucky, I need to find somewhere to sit down. I need to take off my heels.” you giggled as you spoke, making his heart flutter for the millionth time that night. Without a word, he picked you up bridal style and slowly spun around as he searched for somewhere you could sit.

His eyes landed on a large fountain a short distance away and he began walking towards it. You settled comfortably into his arms, with one hand sneaking under his tux jacket and gripping gently onto his shirt just over his heart. Bucky wondered if you could tell it was about ready to beat out of his chest as he leaned slightly to set you down on the fountain’s edge. He had hardly sat down next to you before your heels were kicked off. It was amazing how much more relaxed you looked just from doing that.

He was so focused on how beautiful you looked he almost didn’t hear you giggle or realize what you were about to do. His jaw dropped slightly as you stood in front of him in the fountain, dress pulled up slightly as you waded in.

Bucky’s eyes never left you as you walked around, letting out the cutest laughs with each stream of water that you walked under. When you arrived back at where he was sitting and his whole world stopped as you bent forward to press your sweet lips against his. Your hands found their way to his hair as his made their way to your hips. With every ounce of his being, he wished his hands could make their home. They belonged there, allowing him to hold you so tightly against him it was almost impossible to tell where his body stopped and yours began.

It startled him when you pulled away suddenly, but the confusion didn’t last long as he was met with a handful of water and mischievous laughter. The splashing was relentless. You refused to stop despite him begging for you to quit it. He rushed to remove his shoes and socks so he could jump into the fountain with you. The excited squeal that left your mouth as you started rushing through the water trying to escape him made him grin. He was going to catch you and you knew it. That didn’t stop you from trying to delay the inevitable though. You tried to hide behind the fountain's centerpiece and to fake which direction you were going to run. When you decided to leave the safety of the centerpiece, he had you back in his arms facing him within seconds.

As he watched your face, the overwhelming urge to confess the extent of his feelings filled his chest. He loved you. He had known for weeks now, but staring at your beautiful face reaffirmed it so deeply in his soul that it felt like an integral part of who he was now. Bucky opened his mouth to speak, but the words failed him. Instead, he leaned forward and he channeled everything he had into a kiss. He wanted this to be the kind of kiss written about in fairytales; one that leaves audiences tearing up over and longing for. He hoped you felt everything he didn’t have the courage to say tonight and the small voice in his head hoped you felt the same.

He felt you smile into the kiss, making his heart swell. He pulled away gently after a moment, staying close enough to press kisses across your face. You had told him once how special you felt when he did it; now he couldn't stop doing it. He needed you to know how special you were to him, how loved you were in his arms. When he was satisfied, he rested his forehead against yours. An idea struck him and he smiled at you, “Would you like to dance?”

You nodded and he began to lead you in a slow dance throughout the fountain. He had never felt more grateful for the dancing experience he gained in his youth and that it was a skill he somehow kept throughout the years of brainwashing and torture. The feeling of your body against his calmed his mind and kept his focus from wandering back to the past. The only thing he wanted to think about right now was how beautiful you were and how lucky he was to have you.

After a few minutes of him leading you aimlessly around the fountain, you pulled away gently and looked up at him with a smile. “We should make a wish.”

His face twisted with confusion. “A wish?”

You smiled as you nodded at him, “You know, toss some coins into the fountain and make a wish as we do.”

Bucky laughed as he thought about how much like a fairytale this night was turning into. Apparently his kiss had done the trick. “I don’t think this is a wishing-well. Although -” he chuckled again, “-I hardly think they meant for anyone to dance around in it either, so why not.”

Reluctantly, he let go of your hand and fished around in his pocket until he found his wallet. He’d never felt more relieved to see pennies in his life as he pulled out the only two coins he had. He pressed one into your hand as he leaned in to kiss your forehead. “It looks like we only get one wish each tonight, so we’d better make it a good one.”

He watched as you stared down at the penny, wondering what wish you were going to make. Your face was serious as you thought but broke out into the most beautiful smile. You stood there, coin pressed to your lips, before tossing it out into the fountain. You stared up at him expectantly, waiting for him to make his wish.

He didn’t need to stop and think about his wish. He knew what his wish was from the day he met you. Following your motions, he pressed the penny to his lips and wished, ‘I wish for a life filled with more wonderful nights like this, with this beautiful woman in my arms’. He tossed the coin in and his hand found its way back into yours.

Without a word, he pulled you back in close to him and resumed leading you around the fountain. After a few moments of peaceful silence, he spoke.

“What did you wish for?”

“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” you said, voice teasing as you pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. “And let me tell you, I really want this wish to come true.”

“Me too honey, me too.”

As the memory faded, Bucky couldn’t help but let the tears that had been building fall. That night had been so wonderful. You deserve someone who could give you nothing but nights like that, not the heartache he put you through. He closed his eyes and whispered to no one but himself, “You could’ve been the one. You should’ve been the one...”