#my tags are so inconsistent im sorry lmAO

[jazzzzzzhands]

If I ever stop drawing him, assume I DIED

[gyuswhore]

How to Win Hearts for Dummies (the answer is lattes and banana bread)

Idol!mingyu x makeup-artist!reader

genre: fluff, angst, one sided pining

warnings: slow burn, swearing, shitty bosses, some descriptions of anxiety and breakdowns, one sided pining, reader has issues opening up (lmk if there's anything else)

13.4k words (im sorry)

plot: This apprenticeship was taking a toll on your self control in the worst possible way. Walking in 8 months ago, a resignation from your corporate job and a dream in your pocket, you made an oath to stay focused on the goal at hand and to enjoy what you did for a living for once; makeup. Except, your still stuck as an apprentice with a mentor that has no inclination for your growth.

And you’re a little bit in love with your client.

masterlist

(A/N): repost bc Tumblr wouldn’t show it in the tags!!! Thank you for clicking on this clonking my pants as I hit post ! I started working on this at the beginning of exam season and I’m posting it the night before my last exam 🥲 what a full circle moment. Also pls excuse any inconsistencies or grammatical errors, my beta reader, unlike me, actually cares ab her grades and is in the beginning of exam season and therefore will not be able to read through this monstrosity for a while lmao. Enjoy hehe

Edit: I’ve just realised how many mistakes and grammatical errors I’ve made throughout the fic, serves me right for proofreading at 3 AM after a stats exam. I’ll try to fix them all asap!!! 

The camera goes off again with a distinct click. And again. And again. And again.

The camera had gone off innumerable times since Mingyu walked out in another themed ensemble, and you were there, watching, through all of it.

You watched as he kept switching positions, rotating his body and his head. Morphing his features into more variations of dazed and serious than you thought could ever exist.

Standing there, at the portable table behind the main setup, attempting to clean a lip brush that would be needed soon when the inevitable call for-

“Makeup over here! We’re taking 5”

You note your sluggish pace as you snap out of your daze and scrubbing harder with the removal cloth. Snapping your head down, hoping nobody noticed your incessant heart eyes, you realize you were in trouble now.

‘Y/n, you’ve been cleaning that brush since I left 10 minutes ago!’ The senior makeup artist snapped.

You finish up the brush in hand and quickly hand her what she needs, not before rummaging for the tiny pot of lip product you absent-mindedly packed away.

‘Sorry, really sorry’ you choke out before she leaves in her badly concealed irritated expression. You see her make a beeline for a waiting Mingyu, who adorably squats for the woman so she has better access.

This apprenticeship was taking a toll on your self control in the worst possible way. Walking in 8 months ago, a resignation from your corporate job and a dream in your pocket, you made an oath to stay focused on the goal at hand and to enjoy what you did for a living for once; makeup. Except, your still stuck as an apprentice with a mentor that has no inclination for your growth.

And you’re a little bit in love with your client.

It's not that you were overage (your mother begs to differ), but considering you were on your second big girl job and still no sign of a potential lover, the prospect was starting to weigh on your head. The first rattling experience was when one of your closest friends announced her engagement, your thoughts still stuck in a 19 year old you considered she was too young. She was not, in fact, 19, or too young, but a perfectly acceptable age to consider marriage with someone she loved, you had soon realized. You were never one for the dating scene, but you were always one to don your Dr. Love labcoat whenever an emotionally bruised friend would come seeking help. You were good at advice, but awfully bad at applying it yourself.

Coming into this job, surrounded by a plethora of beautiful people, your heart would be of stone if it weren’t to waver.

The gong of unattainability had struck the second you laid eyes on Mingyu, laughing at something Hoshi had shown him on the phone. There he was, hair and makeup-less, looking like he had just rolled out of bed (which he had), and beautiful as ever. Beginning this new chapter with a bang, only problem was that it turned into an 8 month shoot out. Having encountered a number of gorgeous people, you’d learned to appreciate their genetic lottery pull and move on. But never had a single look left you as breathless and unbeared as that one, fateful look at Mingyu. One of the team members was busy assuring you not to worry too much about the pandemonium in the dressing room, that everyone would handle it and you were only asked to observe and help with smaller things as instructed; for now. You weren’t listening too hard though.

You were now adjusted to the chaos that comeback season and 13 men plus staff in a microscopic dressing room brought about. But you will never forget how in the midst of your first rain of hell, Mingyu had asked you to pass his phone.

‘Please?’ He had said, and you slammed your hand with a force of a woman infatuated on the table behind you and (literally) breathed out the first thing you had ever said to him.

‘Here’

He smiled and gave you a quick ‘thanks’.

There was no coming back after he flashed you those irresistible canines, and to this day, you wonder what nation you saved in a previous life to be able to have him know your name, hear it roll off his tongue in his pretty voice as he asks you to fix his smudged eyeliner.

You sigh defeatedly before your mentor slash irritated makeup artist shoves her load back in your hands and instructs you to come inside to pack up. It’s become routine for you now, as you begin to pack up the bigger palettes and tools, handing a ready-to-go-home Junhui the pack of makeup wipes he asked for, zipping up bags and closing tubs of outfits. It's an organized chaos but one everybody has grown to work around.

Mingyu is done before you, as he removes his jewelry and begins to shrug off his jacket. You scramble to find the clothes he came in and his coat, pointedly ignoring the familiar scent of wood. He thanks you and shucks off the remainder of his clothing, he might be used to stripping in front of professional staff, but you look away regardless for your own sanity.

Helping the last stylists hang the final jacket, you grab your bag and get ready to leave in your own car. Mingyu has left, not before throwing a “you did well, thank you!” over his shoulder at the remaining people in the room and leaving for the honking car outside.

***

Your mashing bananas in a bowl at 12 AM when you start thinking. Impulsive baking sessions had become a norm since you started working with Seventeen, needing to keep yourself occupied to stop spiraling. Mingyu was a recurring topic (surprise surprise), but one that quickly faded when you begin to think about what the future holds for you. You start mashing the banana harder. You consider the idea that you can’t complain, being in a position some of the most well seasoned pros had difficulty reaching. Being a single young woman and being allowed so close to some of the most unattainable men was seen as near impossible. You’d like to think it was your skill that got you here but can never seem to fully rule out a processing error.

It’s hard, being stuck in the same place. Your apprenticeship should have ended 2 months ago, but even if it had, you’d still be doing the same thing. The senior artist trusts no-one but a select few to work on the boys for photoshoots, events, music videos. People like you are left to sanitize sponges and clean the fallout.

You crack an egg on the counter and it splits open entirely, falling on the floor, yolk and all. Your inability to grow stays within the idea that you can’t really do your artistry like you want.

And how you never learn to crack your eggs on the bowl.

***

Showing up on the Going Seventeen set, you rush to the dressing room way earlier than you should. Being completely honest, you’re really only rushing because you want to maneuvere yourself to do Mingyu’s makeup before somebody else snags him. This was one of the very few engagements where you were occasionally allowed to take charge on makeup. Not that it was required for the show much at all; intensity and occasion wise. Your rare (possible) moment to (maybe) come into Mingyu’s organic notice was an opportunity never to be dropped by you.

You help setting up everything on the counters as the boys begin to (loudly) file in the rooms. You see Mingyu walk in and move to ask him to sit down once he’s done discarding his coat. He was first in line and you ‘happened’ to be the first one ready to begin working.

‘Is the eye makeup heavy? I just got a sty removed and I don’t know if I should be putting anything on at all.’ He asks as he sits down and you ready your damp sponge.

‘Not really, just smoothing things out. It should be fine.’ you say as you begin to press the compact on his cheek.

Your not really sure why, because you’ve never been able to muster anything above brief replies when in contact with him, but something in you pushes you to keep talking.

‘I’m surprised they even asked for us, they rarely ever do’ you continue, heart pounding so hard you’re afraid he might hear it.

He breathes out a laugh ‘Yeah. They even started advertising the show on youtube and subway stations and stuff, I didn’t know until I saw someone talk about it online’

You smile at his response ‘Well, all of you work so hard, it's about time they pull this to a high scale production’

‘It's never really work if your having fun, we try to be ourselves on here’ He replies, still smiling slightly.

You’re damn near close to collapsing on the floor at this point. This is the longest conversation you’ve ever had with him. You opt to smile in response as you start to concentrate on his eyebrows. The rest of his face is done far too soon as you zone out and do what you do best.

‘All done’ you announce as you pull away from his lips, trying not to have yoour gaze linger.

“Y/n! Can you start on Vernon if you're done?’, another artist calls from behind.

‘Yeah, he can come up!’ you reply as Mingyu (regretfully) walks towards hair.

Just because you sew your mouth shut with Mingyu doesn’t mean it applies for the rest of them, you’re quite friendly with all of them and Vernon does well to remind you as he sits down and quips a ‘hey bestieee’ in an elongated greeting.

You audibly laugh ‘That’s another word I’ll be hearing for the next month’

‘Regretfully so’ He feigns sympathy.

‘Be quiet and look up’ you say with a fond smile before you get started on him.

***

You sit on the floor in front of your television, trail mix on the coffee table as the movie plays as background noise for your thoughts - again.

There’s a smile on your face, but you dont notice as you think about the small talk you made with Mingyu today, wondering if it could become a regular occurrence if you learned to keep your heart and mind in check.  

You were never one to stand up and take effort to do what was right for you, which is why you were talked into choosing Business Administration by your friend in highschool, who you never speak to now because she decided to ditch you for another group who were more inclined to shuttle themselves to liver failure by partying every last weekend in your entire college career. You were talked into applying to corporate jobs by your counsellors as you started looking for make-up courses, needing to abandon your dream for the second time when you landed a decent entry level desk job. It took years before you decided to choose yourself for once and made the big leap after multiple courses you had took on the side. Life was starting to look bright after getting hired here, but you’re not sure if you overrode a high or if you went back to your old zipped mouth state after you settled in. Never sure if you expected too much or if things really were as stagnant as they felt.

***

Overmanifestation can be a thing. You're not really sure how it works but you’re reaping what you’ve sowed right about now.

You’re currently standing in an offside corridor in a hotel lobby, clad in a pretty white floral dress, and a nervous, fidgety Mingyu standing in front of you.

'I know I'm asking you to do something difficult and I know it seems pointless because I'm not doing anything wrong either that you have to lie about it'

This was supposed to be a staycation with your friends for you to relax and get your mind off things. Your ticket to relaxation has become a nightmare.

'And I understand I'm being super unreasonable but I'm really trying to keep it on the down-low as we get to know each other'

You were waiting with your friends on the couches positively stuffing your faces with the complimentary chocolate bowl placed on the coffee table as a couple other friends checked you guys into your rooms. You were laughing and talking with your group, carefree and ready to have a week of well deserved rest.

That was the plan anyway. Until you see someone across the lobby, also in line at check in. He had an unmistakable toothy smile,and was hand in hand with a concealed brunette.

Your smile abruptly falls in disbelief as you feel your world halt around you.

The same hands come up to brush the hair out of the woman's face to place a kiss on her temple, smiling wide.

The nauseating feeling of ice going down your spine is becoming more and more apparent. You attempt to swallow the lump in your throat but it's like trying to swallow a brick. You lick your lips and attempt to look away but your eyes keep feeding on the picture you painted yourself in your worst nightmares. Realizing you're on the brink of possible hyperventilation, your friend drops her head and asks you if you're okay. You look up at her, not knowing what to say as you realize that nodding furiously will convince her.

Mingyu has a girlfriend.

Of course he would. What were you thinking? This man is one of the most eligible bachelors in the country, why on earth would he be single? You’re unhinged, you decide, for thinking you may have a chance, when the woman turns around and you see her in full. She’s gorgeous.

A part of you still wants to believe that you're officially past the point of sanity and that you've begun to see Mingyu in every tall man. The universe, however, is cruel. He pushes his head up and in your general direction, and locks eyes with you in unmistakable recognition.

He stops smiling.

So here you are listening to Mingyu asking you to keep this a secret from the company, to forget the woman waiting for him in the lobby.

You can only nod in slight motions as he goes on his rant to justify his oath to secrecy, managing a tight lipped smile as you miraculously find your voice, hoarse as it may be.

'Don't worry about it, I understand' - ouch - 'it's none of my business anyway. I'll keep my lips sealed, I promise'

'Thank you, thank you, thank you I appreciate it so much, you don't even know. I'll repay you soon I promise'

'No, please, it's not-'

'No, Y/n I will. You're being really good to me right now and I'm so grateful. I'm sorry for putting you through this while you're off from work and with friends. It's worth to me that your listening and understanding'

You're tired. You want nothing but for him to stop talking. So you smile again and shake your head.

'I'm sure your friends are waiting, I won't keep you. I'll see you soon though!'

And with that he leaves. Back to the lobby where you see him take the woman by hand once again. You watch again as they walk to the elevators, stepping in and disappearing when the doors close. You watch the floor number rise.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

You walk back to your laughing friends before you can see where they got off.

***

Retiring to your shared hotel room with Chaeyoung, you fall back first into the crisp sheets and mattress.

'Why're you so depressed dude, did Mingyu say something to you?' She asks, a slight line forming between her brows.

'I'm fine, I've been up since 5 today it's just fatigue hitting me right now' you reassure, like always. 'I might not go to dinner with you guys, might end up with my face in the soup at some point'

Chaeyoung hums. ‘Take the night off so you can gear up for the rest of the week. I'm letting you off for now but I expect full attendance for eveything else we do', finishing with a mocking stern look.

'Yes ma'am' you feign salute from the bed, mimicking her stern tone.

You've known Chaeyoung for quite a while now, meeting her in your last year of uni. Trusting her as you do, you were never fully able to fess up about your feelings for Mingyu. Fear of judgment wasn't the problem, but more so the strange feeling of shame that overcomes you when you think about talking about it with other people. It's quite beyond you, why you act this way. You loved your friends and you knew they would support you with everything, they'd proved it when you'd made one of the most difficult decisions of your life while leaving your job. But the idea of having the audacity to love someone who could never do the same seemed like a feat of embarrassment.

Who are you, y/n? Who are you to have foolish dreams of a girl in love? With someone clearly fit for all things greater than you?

Maybe this was a good thing, you thought, the weird feeling in your stomach returning. Maybe this was the universe telling you to give up and move on, a kind of rejection that keeps your dignity. This was nothing but a reality check, a sign from whatever wants best for you, to bring your attention back to what brought you to Mingyu in the first place.

***

You didn’t see Mingyu for the rest of the trip, which you were grateful for not knowing how you’d react if you had to see him so soon after, that.

Back massaged and head clearer than it had been for weeks, you feel more in control of your feelings and thoughts regarding your life. You hope the conversation with Mingyu was the last stressful thing you’d encounter for a while.

It’s almost comeback season, you realise as you see the new concept photos while scrolling on your couch at home. This meant insanely early mornings for weeks on end, but you had to push through for your own sake. You’d come out of multiple comebacks needing a brace for a month but you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Never realising the true meaning of learning through experience, you were enlightened as you entered this new, very hands on field. The concept looked interesting, hoping the scraps of makeup you’d be allowed to do would be fun for you.

That ended up being true when you were, for the first time, asked to do Hoshi’s full makeup for their first comeback broadcast.

Your stumped silence was short lived as you hastily oblige and get the chair ready for him. You’d looked at the demo sheets and face charts too much for someone who wasn’t actually going to be asked to do much, but you see it pay off as you finish his eyes and get started on the rest of his face. It was easy for you to zone out as Soonyoung had passed out not even 5 minutes in, having someone hold his face as you worked.

You felt your chest swell with an indesipherable feeling as you watched him get up with your mastery on his face; pride, was it? You were getting emotional for no reason. Your attention, however, is moved sharply when you hear someone tell Mingyu it was his turn, finding him plopped on your chair staring straight into nothingness as he’d just been rudely awoken from his nap. He doesn’t realise it’s you for a solid minute as he tried to remember his own name.

‘Oh, hello’ he says, sort of confused. ‘Sorry, just give me minute’, he mumbles as he rubs his eyes.

He stretches back onto his seat signalling he’s ready for you to get started. You trying not to feel too much in your stomach as you begin.

You’re powdering his forehead when he says “I know I already said this but I really appreciate what you’re doing”

You know he’s talking about the conversation at the hotel, you were hoping you could avoid it.

“I told you not to worry about it, honest.” You reply, and somehow manage to choke out “It makes me happy that you’re happy”

You can see him trying to fight a smile, “Thank you for saying that”.

You wanted to stab someone. But you opt for gently brushing a base colour across his eyes.

“Do any of us know her, by any chance?” You ask cautiously.

“I dont think so. We met through mutual friends at a Christmas dinner, we didn’t start talking till she had to bring me a bunch of papers I’d left at my mom’s that day.” his face depicts someone reminiscing a fond memory.

It was cute, how it seemed like fate was trying to bring them together. It would've been cuter if you weren’t in a one sided pining with one of the two lovers.

“Well, I hope it works out for the both of you”

No you don’t.

“I hope so too”

You don’t hope that at all.

You felt guilty, feeling all of this. Hated that this was your first response to him wanting to be happy. Never would you have imagined stooping this low, hoping his happiness doesn’t work out for your sake. You’d like to owe it this being your first real infatuation, but you can’t help but wonder if this was really what you thought.

You decided to focus on the good news for today, that you’re finally allowed to do your actual job. You can only hope this wasn’t a temporary advancement, allowing time to tell.

Things remained the same the following day, much to your absolute elation. You were done doing 4 people’s makeup and was just winding down to take a break, quite satisfied with yourself. You observed as the rest of the boys got their hair done and run around, half in their outfits. You stifle a snort as you watch Jeonghan hide Minghao’s socks in his pockets as the boy tried to find them to put his shoes on, the former continuing to sip on his coffee seemingly unaware.

“Y/n, have you seen my socks? The green ones with the leaves on it?” Hao inevitable asks you.

You’re forced to feign confusion when Jeonghan pokes his head behind him signalling you to keep up the charade. He continues to look and you’re just about to have mercy on the poor boy before a to-go cup of coffee is shoved in front of your face.

You look up at the person and it’s Mingyu extending his arm at you expectantly.

“Oh, I didn’t order anything” you start, thinking you’re clearing up a confusion.

“I know you didn’t, got one for you anyway.”

There’s a record screech in your brain as you absorb his words.

“Think of it as me trying to repay the favour”

Oh. I see.

You’re a little embarrassed thinking he’d get one for you in that way, not when he had someone waiting on him. You accept the cup and mumble a thank you as he unexpectedly plants himself on the couch next to you.

“I saw you drinking lattes a lot of the times, so I just got you that. Hope that’s okay”.

Your silent for a moment before replying “Yes!” a little bit too loudly, eyes widening a little realisng your lack of volume control.

He knows your coffee order.

“Yes,” you say again in a normal tone and a slight laugh to cover up your inability to read the room, “They’re my favourite actually”

Kim Mingyu knows you like latte’s. This wasn’t good for your delusional brain.

Your conversation is cut short when the boys are called for roll call before they can prepare for the actual stage. You watch him get up and leave to file into the overstuffed elevators, not before he throws you the most adorable wave you’ve ever seen. You can’t hold back your smile as you wave back and look down at the drink he got you before taking a sip.

***

As it turns out, you did makeup for the rest of their comeback season, and Mingyu, without fail, got you an iced latte every single day before leaving to go on stage.

You tried to get him to stop, but he was rooted in his position and you didn’t have it in you to say no to his pleading eyes. It was a re-charge for you, when you’d seen him break into a happy smile, prominent canines that you’d grown to adore. He’d done more than enough to ‘repay’ you for swearing to secrecy, and you felt like you too, should  should repay him the balance.

So here you were, making banana bread in your kitchen again, careful to remember to crack your eggs on the rim of your mixing bowl instead of slamming them on the counter. You’re stirring the flour in when a classified devious thought occurs to you.

These past two weeks were pivotal for both you and Mingyu, daily coffee’s meant daily conversations, which meant getting to know one another more. You’d exchanged phone numbers in the midst of all of this, to which ensued the agenda of staying up till midnight talking to each other about the meaning of life.

Setting down the whisk, you pick up your phone and sent the text before you chickened out.

[You]: I have a surprise for you.

[You]: You wanna come over? It’s better enjoyed fresh lol

[Mingyu]: Ma��am? 👁👁

[Mingyu]: That sounds a whole lot like a booty call

[You]: *attachment*

[Mingyu]: IS THAT CAKE??

[Mingyu]: omw 😮‍💨

You send the location and set your phone down, a jittery feeling going through your entire body. There’s a spring in your step as you slide the loaf into the oven and set a timer. You turn around your kitchen island and register the pigsty that is your apartment. The girls were over the night before and you had done nothing to enlighten the aftermath, pillows strewn across the entire living room and snack wrappers in places you’re not sure how they landed.

By the time you’re done and spritzed the place with some of your nicer perfumes, your taking the loaf out of the oven and on a rack to cool.

Ever the punctual man, you hear the doorbell ring just as your taking your oven mitts off.

Hoping you’ve done enough to your apartment to save yourself from embarrassment, you collect yourself and open the door for him through your ringcam. He’s barely through when your rushing towards your doorway.

“Hi!”

“Hey,” he grunts as he tries to slip off his shoes.

“‘aight, where’s my cake?” he demands once he’s done giving you a quick hug.

You roll your eyes and usher him to the kitchen, “First of all, appreciate how excited you are to see me, and second, its banana bread not cake, sorry to burst your bubble”

He responds to your grumbling with an “Oh come on, you can't put freshly baked goods on the agenda and expect me to pay particular attention to anything else”.

He has his trademarked grin and cheesy stare out on display like its nobody’s business, you want to slap it off of him in the most loving way possible, but you settle with a tiny “shut up”.

“I brought warm coffee this time, thought it’d go better” He sets the to-go carrier on the kitchen counter, following you to where you were attempting to slice the still hot banana bread on a tray.

“Oh, that was a good idea” you say.

“Where’re your plates and forks?” he asks, pulling out the drawers and cabinets you signal to.

It all felt too domestic for your weak heart to handle. Not to say it didn’t warm you to the core how comfortable he felt in your space, you did, more than you’d care to admit. But he needed to tone it down before you required an organ transplant.

You were seated on the floor, butts parked on floor cushions, backs against the couch. The coffee table held all of your goods while you both argued on which movie to watch.

“I can’t believe you haven’t watched any of the Harry Potter movies! No, we’re watching philosopher’s stone, I don’t care!” You shout in disbelief, already typing it into the search bar on the TV.

“Philly-philo- bro I can’t even pronounce it why would I watch that?!” He yells back, snatching the remote from you.

You’re both a giggling, screaming mess on the floor as you keep trying to steal the remote from each other, not stopping until one of you bumps into the table and you almost spill hot coffee all over yourselves.

You decide to call a truce and pick another movie entirely.

Just as you’re pressing play, Mingyu takes a bite of the still (surprisingly) warm banana bread and you watch as his eyes roll to the back of his head.

“This is so good” He says, his faced furrowed as he goes in for another bite. “Did you lace this with something, why is this so good?”

You’re biting back a snarky remark but you let it rip anyway; “It’s cuz these pretty hands made it”

You splay your hands out in front of your face, like your showing him your rings, fingers wiggling and a cheeky smile on your face.

He looks unimpressed as he scoffs. He swallows before saying: “At least you didn’t call the secret ingredient love or something”

“Excuse you, I’m pretty sure I heard you say that in some Gose episode” You remark.

He turns to you, all smug: “So your saying you watch Gose? Like, regularly?”

You immediately turn away from his taunting smirk, “Sometimes, if it shows up on my home page”

You take a sip of your latte before he asks you another sweat producing question.

“Oh, but you pay attention to me the most don’t you? Don’t you?”

He’s poking fun at you, you know that. But a paranoid part of you can’t help but think he’s onto you and your feelings.

So you say something maybe a little bit below the belt.

“You sure have a knack for seeking validation from the world when you have a partner already giving that to you”

The words tumble out of your mouth before you know it. In your defence, you're doing this for a greater cause, but it's still a relief when you see him comically gasp, hand to his diaphragm.

“Just because your alone in life, doesn’t mean you need to be salty about other people receiving actual love” He spits back.

Your sputtering trying to think of a response. Deserved.

He grabs a slice of the bread and shoves into your mouth to shut you up once and for all. You’re left chewing the mouthful and staring at him in shock.

He giggles and takes a sip of coffee, satisfied with himself. When he sets it down he opens his mouth to speak. Closes it again, like he re-evaluating, and finally decides to say something. He’s serious now.

“Ji Eun and I, decided it wasn’t gonna work out between us”.

Oh.

“Oh.”

He blows a raspberry and lets out a meek laugh.

“Yeah, oh. It’s whatever, it wasn’t meant to work out. Better sooner than later.”

You’re trying to find the words to reply or comfort him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” You ask him, being careful to not lace your voice with pity, but more neutral and open. “You don’t have to, obviously, but it might be better to talk about what’s bothering you”

He pauses for a moment before starting.

“She wasn’t sitting very well with the idea that she had to share me. Like at all. She wouldn’t say it but she’d get mildly infuriated when I’d blow the fans a kiss or something, or interacted with the staff too much. I was getting home quite late certain days during comeback season and I’d find her outside the dorm at like 11 PM. It was embarrassing when all of the other members would see her there, obviously upset and basically yelling at me for, for - for literally just doing my job.I guess all the smaller things just started piling and she couldn’t take it. I tried so hard to make sure she felt wanted and secure in the relationship but nothing felt like it was ever enough. She was evasive or confrontational all at the wrong times and it came to a point- its a horrible thought to have in a relationship - but I was terrified she’d do something rash and I’d wake up to my face on articles for some reason - again”

You recollected the past couple years when Mingyu was thrown around in the media for a new accusation seemingly everyday. You weren’t involved with anything regarding the industry back then, but you’d heard enough news to be aware of what was happening.

Your heart swelled with sadness as you heard him talk, he sounded like he was trying- trying hard to be good enough. All for a person who seemed to have their priorities set somewhere else.

“She was amazing; kind and happy and confident. She treated my parents with respect, she was best friends with my sister. I know we only lasted like 3 months but at some point I really considered that she could be the one. But then the problems started and I realized she was only becoming an added factor to stress and anxiety for me more than anything else.

“I liked her because she was so family oriented, and I thought that was what would fit me because I’m like that too. But, I guess I’m just a different kind of oriented? I don’t know. I have a job that’s both interpersonal and unpredictable. There’s days where I don’t wanna get up and do work but I still love it nonetheless. I guess she just expected me to have a predictable, stable 9 to 5. Home in time for dinner, not requiring interaction with too many people; basically everything I can’t be.”

He’s silent for a moment.

You start talking after a couple beats.

“I really hope you aren’t taking this like it’s your fault. She made a choice to put up with your work, knowing how it would be for the both you. You tried your best but she made you feel like your best wasn’t good enough. I dunno about you, but that sounds like a really problematic conclusion. If she truly cared for you and what you love, she would never have been this unsupportive or not understanding”.

He’s listening to you, his expression is blank but you can tell he’s absorbing your words.

“I’d like to think I had realized that. But being completely honest, I’m not really sure when my thoughts go back to me thinking I’m the problem all the time.”

He manages a smile, a wide one, as he looks up to make eye contact with you; “But I know it’ll take me some time to really start believing that it’s not entirely my fault. We just weren’t compatible, and that’s fine. We left on good terms, and I’m happy about that.”

You smile with him as he finishes, but your a little confused when he starts sliding closer and down the cushions.

He sets his head on your shoulder.

You may have shortcircuited right then and there.

“Is this okay?” he asks you quietly, attention finally diverted to the half played movie.

You realise he asked you a question and you have to answer.

“Yeah, this is fine” You breathe out, somehow, by the graces of God himself.

No, you weren’t fine at all. You felt like the universe had flipped a faulty switch, mixed up the scripts, lost the plot, something. But as you get used to the weight of Mingyu’s head on your shoulder, you pray it won’t come back to haunt you in another chapter.

***

Your routine became inverted in the sense that, what you once had to plan out so intricately, is unfolding with no effort from you at all.

You find that Mingyu waits for you to be done with somebody else so you can do his makeup, instead of sitting on another free chair. He’d come to you specifically to touch up his makeup instead of going to an artist he saw closer to him. He never forgot to get you a coffee whenever it was that he saw you.

Mingyu hadn’t slept over that night, instead leaving in his car despite the 1 AM drizzle and your insistence for him to stay until the pour recedes.

Maybe it was better for you that he hadn’t stayed that night. Something about how you grew so close ‘organically’ made you feel like this wasn’t all in your head, that he’s choosing to be your friend.

You’re handing him his clothes as he begins to change, using the excuse to whisper to him;

“I was gonna try a new brownie recipe tonight, if you’re free you can come over?”

“I think I have somewhere to be after this but I’m free after, How’s 6?”

So there you are, back in your kitchen folding chocolate chunks into your brownie batter while waiting for Mingyu to get here.

Your phone dings from the island and you check to see a message from Mingyu sending you what looked like a grocery list; pasta, oregano, garlic…

[Mingyu]: Tell me what you don’t have from this

[Mingyu]: I’m at the store rn hurry up

You send him a list of what you don’t have, realising he intended to have dinner with you too.

[Mingyu]: k thanks

[Mingyu]: be there in like an hour

There’s a warm feeling that’s swelling in your chest, that makes you wanna punch a wall because your so happy. You choose self control, mostly because this apartment is on a lease but also you’d probably break your knuckles trying to punch anything harder than a foam mat.

By the time Mingyu’s here, the brownies are in the oven and you’re almost done with the icing. He unpacks the groceries (and the warm lattes) he bought while you finish up, confirming that he was trying a new pasta recipe tonight. Setting the brownies and coffee down on your usual coffee table, you decide wait a couple hours before starting on making dinner, instead choosing to hear him ramble about an idol he met at an award show.

“So, we start talking before we’re ready to go up- you weren’t there you were working on wonwoo’s makeup- and he starts complimenting me and so obviously I start complimenting him back”

He’s waving his arms around, and setting positions with coasters on the table trying to explain the setting.

“He asks me if I have a sister and I’m like… yes? Which I should’ve realised where this was going because he then” - he pauses to take a deep breath - “this absolute asshat decides it’d be funny to ask me for her number because apparently ‘if you’re this hot, I’m sure any sibling you have is too’ BRO, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT - how are laughing at this?!”

You calm yourself down for a second to clarify, “NO! It’s just hilarious how he thought that was okay to say”

You’re still still giggling in shock when Mingyu calms down, now also laughing incredulously.

“But actually though, please tell me you smacked him” you manage.

“I would have,” he grumbles “I got called to fix my hair cuz I ruined it or something”.

“Oh well, now you know who to avoid next time,” you say as you guide a bite of brownie into his mouth, “Forget about it now, eat sugar, it’ll help”

He chews a bit before swallowing, all while you’re watching him with an endeared smile on your face.

“Y’know, I really thought you didn’t like me when you first joined the team”

You pause mid sip of your coffee, brows furrowed, “What do you mean?”

“You never really talked me, did you? You were friendly with the rest of them but it just seemed like you never wanted to enter a room if you saw me there”

You’re looking at him in utter shock, this man was mistaking your avoidant (yet also pushy) teenage crush behaviour for dislike.

He’s looking at you expectantly, a little pout on his face.

“I never disliked you, why would you think that? I promise everything was a coincidence, it was nothing like that”

“Don’t get so defensive, kinda obvious you like me now if not before” He laughs at your panicked expression.

He meant platonic like.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like that though, I’ve been told I have a pretty serious resting bitch face, it’s gotten me in trouble before” she smile sheepishly.

“It’s fine, you made up for it with that first banana bread” He says before taking another bite of brownie, “Could use more chocolate chunks”

You snort before pushing him with a sock clad foot, “Appreciate me even giving them to you” 

You fall back to the adjacent sofa.

It’s quiet for a moment. But you feel like something’s shifted in the air.

You watch as he brings his hand to the same foot, holding onto your ankles. He’s caressing the exposed skin with his fingers, moving them back and forth. His eyes are glued to yours, looking like he’s in a trance. You’re not sure how to register this new change in mood, suddenly feeling like you need to turn the aircon on during the bleak Seoul winter. Just as you're hoping you don’t start sweating, you feel his vice grip on your ankle pull your leg over with a sharp tug. You scream as you lose support of the sofa and fall back.

You sit up in shock to find him leaning with his elbows on the floor, cackling like madman.

“Mingyu, what the fuck?”

“You-” He stops to laugh again, “You should’ve seen your face, PLEASE, it was hilarious”.

You huff before getting up shoving his shoulder with your foot again, “You’ve been playing guest a little too long, maybe it’s time you get started on that pasta”

“Will I be blessed enough to be receiving her highness’s help?” He asks.

He looks like a dream, clad in his T-shirt because he claims he doesn’t get cold. Hands behind him on the floor to give him support as he stares up at you, smiling wide. He’s looking at you with eyes full of stars and glitter.

You muster up the courage to give him a nasty glare, to which he huffs at and gets up, “Such a meanie”.

It’s hard to conceal your smile as his back his turned, sachaying towards the kitchen. You want to slap him and kiss him at the same time.

Your washing veggies in the sink when you turn around catch sight of his back as he stood at the kitchen island, sorting the rest of the ingredients. You get the same overwhelming feeling in your chest again, assuming you’re deluding yourself into thinking this is what life could be like with him. In less than 3 seconds, you’ve conjured a timeline of domestic routines, to wind down with him like this every evening.

You’re still lost in thought, still incessantly staring when he turns around and catches you in the act. He does the rude thing and snaps his fingers in front of your face to pull you out of your thoughts, “You okay?”

“Yeah” You say trying to gloss it over while busying yourself trying to find your cutting board.

“Are you sure? Do you wanna sit down at the island and watch me instead. You don’t have to help -”

“Pick a knife, and shut up dingus, it’s fine”

Once your both done eating and cleaning up, Mingyu hugs you goodbye, not before asking if you’d be free for lunch next week before he got busy the following month. You quickly agree, setting a date and time, bidding your (reluctant) farewells.

***

Once back in your apartment you realize how you can’t clean up to distract yourself because Mingyu took it upon himself to clear the space with you before he left. You sigh loudly and retire into your bedroom where you don’t have to think about how empty your living room is.

Changing into your pajamas and putting a headband on, you don’t even feel like turning your music on to do your night routine. You double cleanse, tone, serum, acid and moisturise your face with added purposefulness, taking note of the crevices of your nose and the neglected bottom of your chin. Taking extra time to make sure all of the foam is out of your skin before drying your face with a tissue.

You look at your fed skin in the mirror, and feel a weird surge of tears well in your eyes. Before they can fall you slam your bathroom cabinet to busy yourself to find your melatonin gummies, shoving them in your mouth before switching off the bathroom light and retiring to your bedroom.

Slipping the headband off and sliding into bed, you’re still chewing your gummies to a paste in your mouth. Trying not to notice how heavy you’re breathing you try to find your white noise machine, the one you found advertised for infants, and turn it on before grabbing your book to read for a few extra minutes.

Your staring at the pages like you found them to be blank. You’re phone dings next to you, signalling a notification.

Picking it up you find your mental health app sending you a daily reminder.

You’re allowed to feel your emotions.

***

Winter had run its course as you find yourself in April. You never really liked the cold, having been more sensitive to a gust of wind than the average joe, you were better suited to sitting with an aircon instead of being unable to move in the middle of Korea’s January cold rush. But alas, the cherries are blossoming and your fingers have defrosted.

That isn’t what’s on your mind right now though, as you’re standing in a Sephora, arms crossed and shoulders tense. You loved shopping for makeup, but you mostly chose to do it online unless you really had to otherwise. Parking yourself in the perfume section with the scents mixing together a cocktail of nosehair doom, you really wish you’d worn a face mask. Not to mention the migraine inducing coloured lights and mainstream pop playing in the background (you swear they’ve been playing Side to Side by Ariana Grande on loop since you got here).

These were all, however, peripheral observations for you, as you stare in absolute pneumonic shock at the number written on the price tag of the perfume you’re looking at.

Now, Mingyu is a man of class, high maintenance if you will. You’re well aware he likes to spoil himself, because he has a bank account to back it up.

Your bank account is definitely full and secure, but not enough for you to justify dropping what seems like half of its contents to something only one of the five senses can experience.

Mingyu mentioned in passing how he wanted this perfume a while ago, and knowing that he hadn’t ordered it for himself just yet, you decide to be the amazing friend that you are and surprise him for his birthday.

You may be regretting that right now, but you tentatively pick up the blue, crystalline bottle and spritz a bit on a paper strip before taking a whiff. It smelled good, that’s for sure, and it suited him too. So when the saleslady came to offer assistance, after you excused the last three, you decide you’re going to do this for him.

“Yes, could I have this in the box please?”

Walking back to your car you feel a bount of jitter run through you,

Oh, he’s gonna freak out when he sees this.

He did, in fact, freak when he saw it, and his reaction made you want to give him all of the good things in the world if you could see him like this all the time.

He’s smiling ear to ear and speaking in that high pitched voice that he gets when he’s excited. He’s thanking you over and over again, smoothing the box over in his hands repeatedly, looking at the ‘from: y/n :p’ with hearts in his eyes.

“I’m gonna save this for the rest of my life” he says, with determination and a goofy grin.

You snort at the declaration, “Sure, bud”

“I’m serious. What, you wanna bet?” he replies, taking a sip of his, latte, which you proudly credit yourself for swerving him over from Americano’s.

He insisted on going out to eat at this fancy French place a day before his actual birthday as he’d be busy on the day of, but it was risky for him to be seen eating out alone with a young woman at such a fancy place. You settled for a nicer traditional Korean restaurant, that allowed you to book a room away from possible prying eyes and one that you were both comfortable with. You decided to wait till you were back in the car with your post dinner coffee’s to give him his present.

“I’m giving you 3 months before that bottle’s dry to the dregs” You affirmed, “You smell like you empty half a bottle of something off your dresser everyday anyways”

You said it as an insult, but jokes on you because you loved the way he smelled.

“Fine, I’m gonna use this so carefully I’m not replacing it for at least a year”

“A year? What happened to the rest of your life?” you refute.

“I have you for that, don’t I”

What the fuckity fuck.

He’d turned to you, leaning on the headrest, that signature cheesy look; like he was in love or something. Voice dropping a couple octaves as he said it, laced with something defined and strong - enough for it to feel like the weight of an elephant had dropped on your chest.

You gather yourself after looking at him for a couple seconds, jaw unhinged and forgotten on the floor of his car. You chose to grab your cardigan that was neatly folded on the dash, and astral project it to his face across the seat. He’s laughing so hard there’s tears glistening in the corner of his eyes. He falls forward and you see strands of his hair fall to his face, he’d been growing them out.

“Shut up” you grumble in your seat, annoyed at how easy it was for him to send your heart through and beyond your chest.

He’s still giggling like a school girl, and you cave and give him a hint of a smile.

“There it iiiis” He announces, grabbing your face and smushing your cheeks together.

For a moment, he stops to look at you like this, like he’s contemplating. For one, brain rattling, organ exploding, microsecond, you think he might even kiss you.

Instead, he headbutts you slightly rubbing his head swiftly before letting go.

“I might need to wash my hands, I think I got your makeup on me” He mumbles, looking at his hands like a child with mud soaked palms.

“Serves you right, you buffoon,” You remark as you pull out your trusty travel pack of makeup wipes.

Yanking one out of the tab, you pull his hand over and try to wipe the remnants of foundation off, starting from the heel up to each individual finger. It’s silent as you concentrate on getting it all off both hands, he was wearing black tonight and knowing him he’d rub his hand over his pants and get beige foundation all over. You knew because you’d seen him do it one too many times.

“All done” you quip, looking up and catching his stare. He’s smooth to slowly look away and retract his open hands from your lap about 5 seconds after it became noticeable.

You busy yourself by attempting to stash away the wipes to throw out later, closing the pack of wipes and shoving them back into your bag.

He’s watching you do all of this, his stare is burning holes into the side of your head. He’s desperate to say something, but you’re not sure if you want to hear.

“Let’s go back to my place. We’ll stick a candle into a sheet brownie and call it your birthday cake. Oh, we can pick up ice cream too!”, You say, costuming your voice to sound unaffected by his vibe.

And so you did stick a candle in the fresh batch of brownies you both made at 11PM, two hours before his actual birthday. Sitting across from each other on the counter, Mingyu has his eyes closed shut, hands clasped, wearing a ridiculously coloured ‘BIRTHDAY BOY’ headband you found somewhere deep in your drawers.

“You’re gonna get wax on the brownies and they're gonna be inedible, hurry up” You groan, after everytime it seems like he’s done, he clenches his eyes shut again as he remembers another thing he has to wish for.

You’re not actually annoyed, he looks the cutest he’s ever looked, but you would appreciate non waxed brownies.

When he’s finally done, he blows out the singular candle and you clap lightly, “yay!”

You’re pulling out the candle and grabbing forks, dumping a couple scoops of ice cream on before you two start eating straight out of the pan.

Its a collection of groans as you both collapse on your couch, regretting eating all that so soon after dinner. He changed out of his dinner outfit to a T-shirt and pajama pants, he’d started keeping a set of clothes in his car when it started to become routine for him to spend regular  evenings after work at your place.

You’re in your own unicorn pajama’s, slumped over on the arm rest slightly. You feel Mingyu scooch over to put his head in your lap, claiming he was “closing his eyes for a minute”.

You knew how lightning fast he passes out, so not even 5 minutes later you start to hear his light snores. As much as you want to wake him up to move him to the bed, you know he can’t stay the night. His birthday meant he had to be with the boys, and needing to head out early tomorrow.

So you give him 10 more minutes, fingers tracing the shape of his features, in his soft hair massaging his head with your nails slightly. He had a little pout on his face as he slept. Things had been hectic for him lately, having a comeback later in the month and the plethora of music and variety shows to follow.

Mingyu had been writing lyrics on the kitchen island one day, sputtering random words as you quipped in rhymes of your own without context, stirring the pot of soup on the hob at the same time.  

One particular rhyme you spew out catches him off guard and he barks out a laugh at the ridiculous combination.

“I should put you on song credits for this”

“What do you think my producer name could be?”

He thinks for a second, “Banana bread sounds stupid, um, how’s brownie?”

“Cute, and serious enough” you agree, “I’ll be expecting to see my name on that album, sir”

Snapping out of your thoughts, you turn your attention back to the sleeping man curled up in your lap. You wonder if you could fall asleep on the couch too, keep him here with you for the night. Be a little selfish. It’d be nice, making waffles for breakfast when morning comes. But he needed to be at the dorm in the morning, the boys knew where he was but managers that’d come pouring in at 7 AM sharp, did not. And it was best kept that way. The last thing Mingyu wanted, you knew, was people getting the wrong idea. The thought stung a little bit, but you knew not to mix your hopes with what reality was giving you.

So you gather the courage to slowly reign him back from dreamland.

***

Your sitting with Mingyu and Seungkwan on the couches outside the dressing rooms, a little bit before they have to go to perform. You were done with your agenda and was waiting for them to start filing out before beginning to pack up.

“No, because why does he get to eat all the good stuff right out the oven and we don’t, that’s not fair” Seungkwan complained loudy to you, a mildly offended look on his face.

“Stop being such a complain bot, you’re never happy if I have nice things” Mingyu retorts, increasingly nasty looks being exchanged for an argument about freshly baked goods.

“Oh, I’m the hater?! Let me jog your memory, who was the one sulking and shoving me around when Y/n wouldn’t let you-”

Mingyu had jumped up and pulled Seungkwan into a headlock, his poor Americano half flying across the hall as he yells out in disarray.

“YAH!” cued with more noises of struggle and muffled threats.

You chose to embrace the violence by sitting in your seat and laughing as Vernon recorded their antics from the doorway inside eventually circing them for his supposed cinematic effect, catered for the inevitable weverse post that was to come.

Cut to them apologizing and cleaning up the mess of coffee and disregard.

You decide to be nice and attempt to make peace by reassuring Seungkwan, “Come over after you’re done promoting this week, I’ll make up for all the bread and cookies you missed out on”

“If you've finished with your escort duties Y/n, could you please come in and do your day job?”

The voice came from the doorway of the dressing room, your senior makeup artist standing there with her usual mildly inconvenienced expression. It took you a minute to fully understand what she meant by that sentence, your body completely still.

“Offended? What, like I’m wrong?”

You were no stranger to insulting behaviour in work places, but they’d always been revolving around your actual job description. People who didn’t like you knew they had to be smart on how they treated you regardles.

This was different. This felt like you were projected back in time to your solemn middle school days to mean girls taunting you about your spongebob socks, except multiply that by about a thousand.

You feel your stomach begin to churn as that nauseous feeling of shame began to settle itself into your veins.

You’re not sure how long you’ve been sitting there but when she slightly raises her voice; “Are you getting up or not?” your hands actively begin to tremble the slightest amount.

You’re making moves to get up by puting your coffee cup down, not knowing what to do except follow commands.

Your interrupted by a voice from behind; “She’s coming in, give us a minute”

Mingyu’s standing there, his expression stoic as Seungkwan and Vernon looked as stunned as you felt. You don’t register it in the moment, but the people in the hall, venue staff and those for other artists have also silenced, watching the scene unfold.

Her lips are in a tight line, her expression remaining irritated as she steps back inside the room.

You realise you need to do something to diffuse the escalated situation. Letting out a breathy laugh, you get up and tell them that you’ll be going inside, trying to keep your expression pleasant and unaffected, not waiting before turning around to spare them the burden of a response. People get yelled at everyday, and this is no different. You aren’t gonna be the one to make a scene out of a regular occurrence.

You know what's coming when you get inside, she’s waiting as she pulls you aside.

“Your behavior has been quite concerning recently, let me remind you of your place here and what you were hired to do. You've been dilly dallying with people who aren't even your friends, and its quite funny that you’d think they are. It's time to wake up from wasting your time making heart eyes at men who are way out of your league. I won't tolerate any more nonsense from you, and trust I won’t be this nice or forgiving the next time this happens”

You choose to nod your head.

“That’s another thing, use your own words. Don’t think other people are gonna be there all the time to speak for you” She spits out, her professional front slowly eroding the more she spoke.

“Yes, ma’am” You say, hoarse voice.

“Louder, next time”, she stalks out as majority of the people in the room also begin to leave for the filming downstairs.

You’re left standing awkwardly in front of the racks of clothes, trying to digest what just happened to you. Looking around the room, you try to figure out what your supposed to do.

Clothes on the couches, eyeshadow brushes on the floor. There’s a torn sponge resting underneath one of the chairs, a couple styrofoam boxes left on the tables from lunch.

There’s so much for you to do, you arent sure how you thought you had time to sit down and chat. But you’re not sure where to begin either. The room is a mess of smells and colours even without the buzzing noise of people getting ready. Tears begin to form as you try to navigate what you’re supposed to do, realising you can’t possibly find a starting point for any of this mess. Before you have time to think of anything else, a hand is holding onto your wrist, small and soft.

It’s Yoona, another one of the makeup artists.

“Y/n, I think it’s best if you go home, it’s been tiring.”

“But-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle her. Just trust me. Go home you’ll feel alot better”

She notices you hesitate for a second, and goes in to give you a hug.

It felt nice, to be hugged by a friend. For some reason, it didn’t feel like she was pitying you, her expression and aura reassuring you that you didn’t have to stand here alone.

“Whatever happened today shouldn't have happened, but you don’t need to think about that right now. Go home and do nice things for yourself, we’ll figure it out later. You have my number, give me a text once you get home. We can go out later if you want, when I get off work, to get your mind off things”

You’re not sure how you’re holding back the waterpark that has become of your tearducts as you hear those words from an unsuspecting friend, you nod with a smile. You feel a little more calm.

You can’t tell if you care enough to consider the consequences of your senior finding out how you’re doubling or nothing on your already posed humiliation. But the only thing you can think of right now is your bed and the ceiling you’d stare burn holes into.

So you, for the first time in a while, chose to choose yourself by picking up your satchel and leaving the chaos behind you as you walk to your car.

***

Just because you were brave where it mattered most doesn’t mean you weren’t allowed to cry.

You had come home, shot Yoona a brief text, and promptly began to sob the absolute Nile into your sheets.

You had never cried like this before, loud wracked sobs coming from a place in your chest you had locked away during a time you couldn’t even remember. You’re breathing after every choked cry is a sputtered intake of life, only to spit it back out as you let out another sob of what sounds like agony. There’s nothing in your head, nothing but the words that were spoken to you as echoes of your own mind. Hypocritical of you to hate them when the same words circled in your head like a mantra every cursed, unfortunate day. She had done you a favour, by spitting out the truth you’d stewed, chewed and kept in your mouth ever since you got here. This was a you problem, to believe that you were capable of things beyond your bracket. You were told by the universe, screamed at by the world, that this was never meant for you, and you chose to ignore it. You chose to be stubborn. You brought this misery upon yourself.

Once you’ve disposed your body weight of tears and snot and burden, you’re left to stare at your innocent sheets now stained with mascara and your sorrows. You crawl into your covers and rest your muscles for a few seconds, head empty. You aren’t sure when you drift off, but you're glad that you do.

You don’t dream for once.

***

You wake up feeling like you drank a gallon of water and went to sleep. Your eyes, nose and throat feel like they’ve been over watered yet dry at the same time. You don’t realise what’s really arising pangs of irritancy in your brain once you figure out the consistent sound is a door bell. You’re doorbell, of the house that you live in.

You’re slow to push yourself up, realising your slept in your day clothes. It’s dark out but you're not sure what time it is, and quite frankly, you can’t say you care enough to check. You need to silence your doorbell first, which can only be done by silencing whatever hell sent individual was playing drums on the button outside.

It’s a record screech in your brain as you peer through your peephole and realise who the aforementioned hell sent individual was.

Mingyu was outside your door.

You don’t realise you look like you crawled out of a sewer till it’s too late and you’ve already opened the door through muscle memory. Mingyu was always welcome in your space.

He was in casual clothes, his hair pushed back from the guessed hands that ran through it, but he was still in stage his stage makeup.  

“Oh, were you sleeping?” He asks, eyes a little wide, expression cautious.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll go then, you weren’t answering your phone for anyone and you told Yoona you were home but you weren’t opening the door, i was worried. Sorry I ringed it so much I probably should’ve assumed-”

He stops to look at you, and it’s like realizes something before he finally says; “Just wanted to make sure you were okay, I’ll see you around. I’ll leave you alone”

“Wait,” you croak out, licking your lips, conscious of your morning voice, “Can you stay? Please? If you can.”

He stops to look at you, expression changing from sheepish to defensive.

“No! I mean, yes. Yes. I’ll stay. I’ll stay for as long as you want”

You let him in as he slips off his shoes and you lead him to the living room. His presence in the familiar place seems like it last happened eras ago, when he was only here maybe a week prior.  

“You know where everything is, I’ll be back gimme like 5 minutes”

You’re scared to look at yourself in your bathroom mirror, so you don’t, and choose to scrub your face looking down at your sink. You change into a sweatshirt and trouser loungewear set, deciding to save your dignity a little bit further as you brush your hair and clip it back with a claw clip.

You take a breath before entering the living room again.

He’s sitting on the floor in your usual place, two steaming mugs on the coffee table, the tabs hanging out of the cup. He made you tea.

You sit down next to him, not really prepared for what you should be saying.

“How long has she been speaking to you like that?” He asks you quietly.

“She was always kinda itchy and uptight and stuff but, it was never like this” You say.

“Regardless, whatever that was, it was, wrong, uncalled for, all of those things” He says, sputtering a little bit.

He stops and sighs. It’s silect for a minute before he turns in his seat to face you, grabbing your folded legs and pulling you to face him too.

“Yoona heard everything she said to you after you went in, she heard it all. And she knows about some other stuff too. If you think, even for a second, that I’m not your friend, I might actually think there’s something wrong with you.

“If everything we’ve been through this past, almost a year, doesn’t amount to us at least being friends then I don’t know what it means to have one at all. You’re the first person in a while I’ve been able to be this open with. You know me better than most people, you’ve seen me at my worst and at my best. I’ve let you read me all you want, because I know I can be an open book if it’s you. I trust you more than I can trust myself sometimes, and I really wish you would trust me too.”

You’re watching him as he says all of this, you look up to make eye contact a couple times, and he’s looking at you everytime you lift your head.

“I do trust you. Probably more than anyone else. It’s myself I don’t trust. It’s hard for me to open up, I’m scared I’m gonna say something that’ll scare you away. And, I just thought maybe she was right today, that I need to realise that it can’t be that way between us, I have a job to do”

“What can’t be between us?”

“I like you, Mingyu. Like, I’m basically in love with you and have been since I fucking met you. I couldn’t believe that you could possibly be friends with someone like me, a confused, all over the place airhead who can’t tell right from left sometimes, forget you ever liking me. All that happened is that we became friends and I thought that this was as far as fate was gonna push us. All today told me was that … that was an overextension too. It was a wake up call that I can’t have everything in life. Things were going too well for us and I was letting myself think it could stay that way forever. I’m sorry for being this way, I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable and out of place. This is the last thing you’d want to hear from a friend and I’m sorry I’m putting you in this situation right now and that you had to go through that today-”

You don’t finish what your saying because you're interrupted. Interrupted by arms pulling you forward and into Mingyu in front of you.

Your both sitting in your living room at 3 AM, on the floor in front of your sofa like you both have so many times. Except now, Mingyu is holding you in his arms, and kissing you so delicately it hurts.

It’s warm, like getting into bed after a long day, the scent of home and security engulfing you as you begin to forget about the qualms of life.

He’s moving his lips slowly, with care and a feeling so overflowing you can’t describe.

He lets go slowly and rests his forehead against yours, his arms are around you tight, legs wrapped around your entire body so you can't escape - physically or mentally.

“You dumbass” You hear him say.

“I love you,Y/n. More than anything. And I need you to know that you don’t have to hide. If you think your thoughts are a burden then I want to carry it for you. I want you to realise you’re not alone. I want you to stop pushing me away. Everytime I want to do something nice for you, you try to push the effort to something else, everytime I try to take care of you, you have this look that makes me think you feel guilty for taking up my time or something. Everytime I think you’re about to ask me to stay the night, you remind me I have priorities and I should go, even though I know you want me to stay with you. I want you to stop caring so much for how other people feel and realise you can demand the same from the universe too. You deserve love and to be treated with care. You need to let people do that for you, love.”

Your looking at him now, your turn to have stars in your eyes.

He loves you.

And you feel it. You feel it in his words, in his eyes, in the kisses he’s leaving on your face, in his arms that are wrapped around you, ready to shield you from the world.

You don’t say anything as you fall into his chest, head on shoulder, relaxed body in the cage he’s made for you. You close your eyes as the tears are burning down your face. Except, this time they’re because your relieved.

You both got up from the uncomfortable floor and moved to your bed, still tangled within each other as you clarified everything else.

You found out that majority of the people who heard it were very upset at the situation, but didn’t know how to approach or confront her.

Seungkwan almost bust a blood vessel after he had digested what had happened, disbelief and threats on his tongue as he refused to get touched up by her during filming, apparently making a point to walk to somebody else. Seungcheol was thinking of trying to bring up the problem to management, considering how Mingyu too was distracted all the way home.

“The rest of them have gotten quite protective of you too, I think. It’s not like I shut up about you”

Apparently the only reason you were asked to start taking charge on makeup was because some of the other senior artists pressured your mentor to stop restricting you. It made you feel a little more secure that it wasn’t just you that felt pushed down.

She didn’t like that you were doing so well, considering it meant she was wrong about you and your abilities. It hurt her ego a little bit that people stopped preferring her to do their makeup or their touchups, how they wouldn’t interact with her the same way.

“Alot coming from a middle aged, married woman, attention seeking like a child” Mingyu added, scoffing with a sour face as he nuzzled into the crown of your head.

“The boys really like you by the way, they’ve been rooting for us since forever” He says, and your heart swells unimaginably so; you felt loved, so so loved.

You scooch up to plant a kiss on the underside of his chin and then one on his lips.

“That makes me happy”

“I’m happy that you’re happy. You deserve to be happy, everyday” He smooches you on the face again. “Oh, and don’t worry about that stinky face I’ll take care of her”

You laugh at the determination in his voice, but you wanted to clarify something.

“Please, let me handle her myself. I’ll ask for help if she’s stubborn but I wanna try by myself first”

“That was hot”

You push his chest away as you bark out a laugh at the random comment, hiding you face, by turning the other way.

He battles that by pull you back into his chest and continuing his atics

“What I can’t call my girlfriend hot. You’re hot. Your the sexiest motherfucker I’ve ever seen” smooch “You’re beautiful” and again  “amazing” and again “gorgeous spectacular-”

You don’t fall asleep until the sun has well made its way up the sky, taking the executive decision to sleep in till way past lunch and maybe even take a nap afterwards.

You don’t care how it goes, because your happy just being with him.

***

You met with Yoona a couple days later at a cafe.

“Seungcheol asked us if we were facing the same kind of behaviour from her too. And everyone told him she was stuck up and rude and stuff. He said he wanted to bring it up to management but it didn’t really concern him directly so they wouldn’t listen. He told us to do so ourselves and we thought about it, but we’re gonna need to tell them about that too”

You nod your head as you listen to her speak, it was making sense.

“I dont mind going up to management at all and talking about it. I get that the rest of the stuff is a little too tame to be considered, which sucks because she shouldn’t be talking to us like that at all”

“Mhm, and I was thinking we could vouch for you on how she was restraining you for almost a year. Basically not letting you do your job. That’d be a another thing for them to think about”

“Yeah. Let’s do it asap, how’s this Monday?”

“Perfect, I’ll add everyone to a group chat and let them know”

And go up to management you did, who were surprisingly understanding. Apparently having received multiple reports and even videos of the most recent incident to act as proof. It was working out for all of you, and it proved to stay that way as they responded with a promise to shift her to a different department.

You had gone home that day feeling fulfilled and relieved. Mingyu, a man with spectacular timing had also proceeded to send you a text as a distraction,

[Mingyu]: Kwan wants to come over

[Mingyu]: something about croissants

[Mingyu]: Should he text you ab it?

[You]: yeah ofc

[You]: I’ll order the butter

[You]: you tell him to text me lol

Two nights ago felt like it happened last year with all the unimaginable advances deciding to happen within the past 48 hours. Right now you were more excited for the company you were about to recieve, more concerned with making sure you made the best batch of croissants Seungkwan ever did see.

***

You were in the car with Mingyu outside the company building, waiting until the clock struck 9 to go inside.

Today was the last day you’d think about this, being called up for a face to face meeting with the staff member, so she could formally apologise. The team had planned a dinner tonight, to celebrate the end of her ‘wicked reign’ as Yoona described it.

You were finding friends everywhere, ones that were always there, pulling through for each other as you yourself navigated a new direction of thinking for yourself. You were learning to walk past your anxiety ridden desire to draw lines with everyone, as you took the first step with the dinner tonight. It would be fun for you, and a bond you’d begin to build.

You learned that you weren’t delusional anymore, and that Mingyu did love you the same. It had only been a week or so, but one of the happiest weeks of your life, despite everything. He was teaching you more lessons than he thought he was.

Mingyu squeezes your hand from the driver’s side as it was past 9, “Let’s go?”

“Lets go”

***

Mingyu’s way too enthusiastic as soon as he wakes up, indulging you in a morning (afternoon) makeout session, claiming he doesn’t care for you morning breath.

“Well I do!” you exclaim, pushing him off with a giggle “About your morning breath, stinky”

He clutches his chest in dramatic offense, “How could you? I thought you loved me”

You respond my projecting a cushion to his face.

“Do you want pancakes or eggs for breakfast?” You ask, legs hanging over the bed.

Mingyu looks up, a wicked glint in his eye, and you immediately know he’s going to say something of no help.

“I want you for breakfast” He says, grabbing you by the waist and pulling you back in bed.

“MINGYU!”

Needless to say, all was well.

[sl3epy-c0rvid]

☆|| corvid's intro post!! ||☆

constantly being edited smh

greetings and salutations! my name is corvid, and i welcome you to my silly little blog! here, you will find miscellaneous content, varying from art, nonhumanity, fandoms i indulge in, and just random, silly things!

as of now i am transmasc, genderfaun, and omnisexual! i go by he/they/it pronouns, and i have a preference for masculine individuals. i do have a partner however!! this may or may not change in the future, but that is what i am in the present

i am also a black bobtail cat, american crow and african wild dog therian, astral drake otherkin, and an animal cracker objectkin! i am questioning a few other identities, but i will figure those out later

☆my main content, hashtag key (which i will likely forget!), mutuals, credits, and extra info below the cut!☆

thats a lotta boxes whoops

actually im not sorry im a userbox/blinkie/gif hoarder

☆ my main content!

the things i usually post are inconsistent, of course, and are usually drowned in reblogs lmao, but they typically include things such as:

art, whether it be my own or others, cool things i own or find, fandom content, nonhuman content (art, thoughts, experiences, etc.), and the occasional silly little post!

click here for fandoms im in and my interests!

also LOVEE interacting with people, so feel free to send me asks about anything at all! i dont bite x3

☆ hashtag key!

sometimes i will forget to use these, but this is for when i do use them

☆ #yap factory - silly comments and words!

☆ #corvids scribbles - my art!

☆ #mrow! - reblogs!

☆ #plucked from the inbox - answered asks from my ask box!

☆ #finished demands requests - finished requests from my ask box!

☆ #corvids moots :3 - any interaction with my mutuals :3

☆ #ruffled feathers! - for whenever i end up sharing outfits!

☆ #flappy wings! - happy rants!

☆ #purr~ - some soft words of affirmation and comfort :3

☆ #paw print - nonhuman content

☆ #corvids shiniess - cool stuffs i own!

☆ #☆ [name] - oc content!

☆ #wife mentioned? - whenever i mention/talk about my partner :3

☆ #corvid whines - vents or generally shitty posts

☆ #corvid loves [yada yada] - special interests!!!

(more keys likely will be added in the future!)

☆ my mutuals!

☆ @sunfl0wersapphic - my first mutual on tumblr!

☆ @road-kibblez

☆ @lox-is-running

☆ @wolfdogged

☆ @dragonzart03

☆ @meowing-creature

☆ @candieduranium

☆ @solartense

☆ @katiethecreature

☆ @corvidist

☆ @adolfusraptor1985

☆ @corvipse

☆ @corvidtrinkets

☆ @king-darling

☆ @theonebeingwatched

☆ @lox-is-running

☆ @foxez-pawz

☆ @thelost-experiment

☆ @tower-1

☆ @6arely-living

☆ @crispyandantisocial

☆ @i-promise-im-not-an-alien

☆ @wilbug

☆ @littlecritter1

☆ @thatgayash

☆ @honeyymoss

☆ @vyncrosses

☆ @toritheking

☆ @trevor-star-messgenger

☆ @tysdietmice

(will continue on a separate post i will make and link later!)

(sorry for the mass tag!!)

☆ extra info!

☆ my commissions are closed! but my art trades are open!

☆ my 'type doodle requests are still open! feel free to send in an ask to request a doodle :3

☆ DNI: homo/transphobes, zionists, nazis, pedo/zoophiles, ableists, racists, sexists, misogynists, and just generally gross or hateful people, please and thank you :3

☆ i try my best to welcome and accept anyone and everyone, but i will not hesitate to block or report anyone who gives me a reason to, thanks

☆ credits!

lost a few, sorry!

☆ checkered divider - @saradika

☆ protect our seas - @cheezitofthevalley

☆ i love you guys :) - @faviconuploader

☆ this user is nonhuman, i do all sorts of stupid and gay shit - @engravedlives

☆ pluto is a planet! (fuck you) - @virulentinanity

☆ this user hasnt learned how to be as human as you are yet - @songuserbox

☆ this user loves bugs - @xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx

☆ this user finds comfort in cats, this user is too eepy, this user bites you - @sweetpeauserboxes

☆ this user is a liddol guy - @scungledfiles

☆ this user is so fucking tired - @adhdoofenshmirtz

☆ this user is a little kitty cat - @burntoutuserboxes

☆ omnisexual and transgender dividers - @aquazero

☆ dni banner - @pixxiecup

[sphxremint]

(man this art is really old but im usin it anyway lol)

☆ Heya heya一it's me, Mint!

I'm the guy that does the funny draws (and music (and sometimes edits)).

Some of you have definitely heard that line way too many times before. Or some of you probably just know me as the Simple Yet Stupid guy. If you haven't seen me before, congratulations! You've successfully met "that guy" (me) for the first time!

This is my tumblr. I reblog stuff I think is neat and post art/music/stuff I like once every [unspecified time frame]. I dipped (sort of) from Twitter (ah, sorry一ECKS [X] as it's called now) like a year or two ago because some guy had too much fun ruining it. Now I'm here more often!

Right, this is an intro post. lemme get on that...

☆ cool things you should know

• I'm 20 (born July 4th, on MINT day. not whatever the hell independence day is. eugh)

• I'm aroace (certain of it now! we out here)

• I'm black (there's like no way to make this funnier it just is what it is)

☆ some other neat stuff

• I draw!

I'm definitely not consistent with it at all, but I'm trying, 'cause it's fun and I like doing it. I may be into a lot of medias too, but I'm mostly an oc artist, and it's a curse I will bear until the end of time

• I make music!

I'm also not very consistent with it, but I'm a bit less open about it... I do it for fun, really; though it's more of a personal thing compared to my art.

• My timezone is CST

...which is about UTC -05:00. if you need to know that. i know we all got varied timezones

• I'm very good at being inconsistent!

(such as basic punctuation and grammar. cause thats important. sometimes i'll actually use apostrophes and sometimes ill just completely forget mid-sentence. lmao)

☆ my 5 core interests

aka. The main things I like! I switch between the 5 of these on a whim. You can inquire me about any of these. Be ready when it happens.

• Sonic The Hedgehog (he's just THAT GUY, yknow. just a guy who loves adventure. ultimate life forms and whatnot)

• Kirby (i'd forfeit everything for him. #1 blorbo living life)

• FINAL FANTASY (esPECIALLY XIII and XIV. but it's mostly XIV. two lalas ready for Dawntrail WOOO)

• Celeste (#1 game ever. i love everything about it so much, i naturally get my friends to play it. i'm also pretty good at speedrunning. smile)

• and anything osc! (though I'm not part of the fandom "like that". just on the surface layer, yknow? bfdi, ii, boto, ppt2... funny shows go brrr)

☆ cool and awesome tags

□ #mint.txt = probably some random garbled text i spat out one night

□ #mintdraws = i sure do! and you should go look at it!

□ #mint.png = funny image included (not guaranteed)

□ #mint.mp3 = rarely use this but i still want people to know i make music

□ #mint.ask = because i get those. sometimes art, sometimes stupid funny stuff

□ #simple yet stupid = yeah its for those funny objects i talk about. i put this one here just in case

□ #mint's expoboard = i'm probably talking about one of my ocs

☆ and some extra stuff i guess

□ my sonas and stuff if you need that

□ my carrd! go read it cause most of my extra links (and contacts) are already there

□ my toyhou.se Did you know I have a toyhou.se? because I never shut up about my characters, and sometimes people just need the Repository of Information. well... here it is.

Okay. I'll update this post more as time goes on, but... that's about it. That was probably like a read and a half. oops.

Remember: if you do follow me, you are (unofficially) officially consigning yourself to my presence and any stupidity and/or brainrot that follows.

...if that's cool with you. lmao =ᴗ=)b

(big shoutouts to the old pinned i had. you will forever be missed)

last updated: 08 / 27 / 2024

[vampirecorset]

🕸️⋆˖⁺‧₊☽𝕵𝖚𝖘𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖋𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖉𝖑𝖞 𝖓𝖊𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖇𝖔𝖗𝖍𝖔𝖔𝖉 𝖙𝖎𝖈���𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖍 𝖛𝖆𝖒𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖊☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ 🕸️

So I guess I should probably do an intro- (read this then scroll for my t-word info)

HIIII!!

Im Not new here… like at all

Been on tumblr for a couple of years now

Butttt I dooo need to explain what I’m about on this blog, and why not with an intro post!!

So hi my name is Chloe, not bedda that’s just the word for pretty in Sicilian

I’m mostly Sicilian and native but I’m also Irish and German so ye

Tickling for this blog is completely… erhh drum roll please-

SFW

And please understand by that I just don’t allow nudity or sexual content, like I’m perfectly fine with t-word torture and intensity but if it’s pörn then nah no thanks.

Also another big bullet point, uh guys-

I AM A MINOR

*surprised picachu face*

I’m a 16 year old, and I have my birthday in said bio.

Btw,

PÖRN BOTS, NSFW BLOGS , BLOGS THAT SAY MINORS DNI, AND BLOGS WITH NUDITY DNI‼️‼️

DO NOT REBLOG MY POST AND PUT KINKY TAGS OR TAGS YOU WOULDNT WANT AN MINOR TO INTERACT WITH

And do NOT MESSAGE ME IF YOU ARE ABOVE 18 THATS WEIRDDD

Fun facts about me, let’s goooo!

I’m a Roman Catholic! Please don’t worry, I really do keep in mind to respect others no matter who they are or believe in so don’t be worried hun I won’t harass you lmao

Mm I’d say my style is more vampire romantic goth, kinda 90s goth if you will

I speak a Little German and I’m learning Sicilian and Cherokee as of rn!! So if I say any of those languages on there and I say some thing wrong please inform me :)

My favorite animal is a Siberian tiger 🐅

I WILL BE SUPPORTING PALESTINE ON HERE AND SHARING INFORMATION ON THAT AND MISSING INDIGENOUS WOMEN

Those are the genocides I worry about the most, however I will reblog what information I find about others

MY TWORD INFORMATIONNN WHOOP WHOOP

I’m 10000000% lee, I’m not gonna be your ler so sorry pfft

I’m don’t mind teases dm to me or in asks, in fact please please PLEASE send me asks and fic recommendations!!

I’ve never been tickled in real life sooo I have no idea where I’m the most ticklish at 🧍🏼‍♀️

I think my fav tool with have to be a good old fashioned feather

And honestly if I had to guess I feel like I’m the type of person to have a ticklish belly button so…

I DO ROLE PLAY!!

But I’m always gonna be the lee cause your girl is a horrible ler

Btw when it comes to messages, I’m very  inconsistent with responding cause I’m a busy Highschooler in all honors classes

So please don’t take offense if I don’t answer, sometimes I’m not ready to reply and sometimes I get nervous so please be patient

Id consider myself a shy person too so don’t be surprised when you gotta tease first or make the first move cause Yeahh 😭

I WILL ALSO POST AGE REGRESSION CONTENT SO IF YOU DONT SUPPORT THEN LEAVEEEE

My fandoms‼️‼️

•Heathers (the movie and musical)

•Fire Emblem

•Fairy Tail

•Naruto

•Pokémon

•Seraph of the End

•Vampire Knight

•The Case study of Vanitas

•Nintendo

•Slashers

•Monster High

•Avril Lavigne

•Welcome Home

•Demon Slayer

•Obey Me!

•Ouran High School Host Club

•SpongeBob Musical

•Hamilton

•Legally Blonde

•Aladdin

•Hercules

IF YOU LOVE THESE FOLLOW ME AND REQUEST FICS PLEASE!! TALK TO ME ABOUT THEM I BEG OF YOU I LOVE MY FANDOMS AS IF THEY WERE MY OWN CHILDREN 😭

THATS ALL I HAVE THANK YOU ALL SM FOR READING!!

DONADAGOHVI ‼️🫶🏼

January, 26th, 2024

[zombiepatch]

sorry for the weird ask but what do you say that about the podcast? haven't caught up with it in some time and now im wondering if i should at all 💀

late(ish) reply bc i struggled to figure out how to word this in a non-rambling manner (failed, ultimately lmao)

i will say, a lot of people liked s4, and there were things i had fun w/ too (smth the show has going for it is the sound design and presentation and that was top notch in s4), so i wouldn't say my own complaints would bother you as much or make it not worth listening to, just that... it might and it certainly irritated me personally to the point of dropping it.

the biggest thing that is especially apparent to me are how flat and unrealistic the side characters are. like, that's always been a problem in the show, but holy shiiiit dude. there's so much drama and angst surrounding arthur but all of these side characters, who could have their own complex motives and thoughts towards him, are like "no arthur is my special special boy. also i just met him" (oscar cough cough) and it's. well. it makes me want to rip my hair out. like i can say with absolute 100% certainty that if arthur were a woman everybody would be like "god, such a mary sue" but LOL

there's also the feeling that i have constantly with this show of just... diminishing returns for conflict and massive inconsistencies. in the beginning of the show, i was making theories and paying attention to cool little details, but after a while i gave up because i started to feel like... it was difficult to pinpoint what elements of the story mattered / actually stuck and what didn't. if that makes ANY sense ^^;

like, i've whined about this before, but i still can't get over how little impact survival cannibalism had on arthur's psyche. i was just kinda waiting for SOMETHING more there that never came. it really feels like it was just forgotten. like... partly this is a me thing bc i like cannibalism as a horror trope and was like "yessss <- freaks" but surely it's not wrong of me to expect the horror show to have more to say about the whole cannibalism thing that apparently happened 😭

frankly there's a lot more i could say about the show as a whole but this is already long and disjointed so i'm gonna stop there. there's a designated negative tag where people, much more eloquent than me, have spoken about their own issues with the show / the creator if you wanna look through any of those posts. there's also a whole blog dedicated to how weird the show is about women, which is a whole other rabbit hole i didn't even mention here.

in all, after all of that, i still like john and arthur as character concepts, so i have a weird ass relationship w/ this show where i'm a huge hater but also i'm taking these guys with me. dont worry guys i'll get you out of there. CERTAINLY not out of the horrors, that's what i came here for in the first place, but... out of canon ^^;

TO END THAT HERE'S SOME FANART I DID AND NEVER POSTED;

[ye-oldroderich]

🌟INTRO POST🌟

Hi! I'm Rod (she/her) and welcome to my main blog. I'm multifandom and do art. Uh. what else do you put here usually? my interests right. yeah. here's some of what you'll probably be seeing on here:

Pokémon

Paleontology

Homestuck

Fossil Fighters

Sonic the Hedgehog

Monster Hunter

i also have a webcomic concept/planned called Coral which is about Monster Hunter gijinkas essentially. more about that on my sideblog, but i repost most of the stuff here too. check it out if that interests you!

i don't have many tags rn but #rodarts is where you can find my art, and #rodtalks where you can find me babbling about something (or answering asks). i also have #coral wc for my webcomic!

🌟LINKS🌟

links to my other socials and sideblog. i have a ko-fi now!! so if you'd like to support me (or are looking out for available commissions) that's the place to go :)

Carrd

Ko-fi

Instagram

Coral tumblr

Toyhouse

Art Fight

🌟FAQS🌟

Don't repost my shit please. if its life or death and you just HAAAAVE to, at least credit me. i love reblogs tho 👍

I'm bi and autistic. if either of those are an issue please block me lmao. why are you here. im also an adult, so keep that in mind if youre uh. not one. stay safe kids

I post whatever i want. and that means i'm incredibly inconsistent. sorry guys

Commissions -> OPEN !

Art Trades -> closed

Requests -> closed

Inbox -> OPEN !

[relzxency]

LMAO IM SORRY I FORGOT TO LINK IT HERE

okay here’s a new pjo fic i posted a few days before the show came out

Please LOG IN to your AO3 account to view my works.

will a man rob god?

relzxency//AO3

Relationships: Sally Jackson/Poseidon

Characters: Sally Jackson, Poseidon, Amphitrite, Hera, Paul Blofis (mentioned), Percy Jackson (as a baby), Original Family Members (Sally’s Uncle)

Word Count: 8,040

Chapters: 1/1

Additional Tags: Pre-Canon, First Meetings, Swearing, Mentions of Sex, Implied Sexual Content, Backstory

Summary: How did Sally Jackson meet the god of the sea?

Notes (PLEASE READ):

I actually don’t like this.

Yeah…this was meant to be a short, 1k words max writing practice, but once again my brain hates me so I shat this out instead.

This isn’t actually the full thing- I meant to write two more scenes between Sally’s meeting with Hera and the last scene, but I didn’t have the time and I wanted to get this out of there before the new series starts airing so unfortunately we’re stuck with this. And I think the lack of those scenes kinda made this entire thing worse, so oops

I also don’t like how I wrote about her financial situation (too inconsistent and unrealistic) and how she seems to have forgiven Poseidon very quickly (he doesnt deserve that). For the former, it rubs off the wrong way and honestly slipped my mind that she grew up working class when I started writing and it’s pretty obvious I realised that and tried to remedy that halfway in (why did I even write her like that in the first place? i dunno). For the latter, I think I just got lazy :/ she shouldn’t have to forgive Poseidon immediately after finding out she’s pregnant and Poseidon 100% doesn’t deserve that from her. BUT we’re stuck with this now. If you’re gonna comment on those - save urself the trouble because I KNOW 😭

And the whole piano scene just feels pretty jarring and out of place - it gets very technical mostly because i’m a music student. But it doesn’t flow nicely with the rest of the fic.

Aside from that, i think this helped me practice writing dialogue and inner monologues! But that’s about it…

[memes-and-shit]

🍁 uhhhhh, you guys can call me Gromit. that's a good-enough fake-name lol i go by they/them pronouns, i am confirmed to be over 18 years old, and that's all my info y'all get ✌️

🍁 i didn't make most of this. or any of it, really. (sometimes, i edit; but i dont consider my edits to be "i made this" bc... i didnt make the core thing i am editing) so, anything you wanna use? no need to credit me. i'd like to see what you make using it, for shits and giggles, but that's not mandatory

🍁 i try to post credit to "the little guys" i make stuff from whenever i can figure out the source

➥ some of this stuff i find second- or third-hand where i have no clue who the "little guy" that made this is; feel free to reblog to add the applicable credit, and (after i do some fact-checking, bc some people online ✨️lie✨️) then i will reblog what you said + alter the original post to now have credit. but multi-million/billion-companies, celebrities, etc?? idgaf, you can VERY easily find out who the source

🍁 most things are on a queue

🍁 i don't do requests, sorry

🍁 here's how you can make your own edits tho??

🍁 some things i edited to have captions (#my edit + #captioned); others, already had captions (just #captioned); only a few videos don't have captions (#uncaptioned)

🍁 i tag based on what my Reactions Folder's sub-folders were. thats how i organize. idc about attention; meaning, 99% of the time, idc about tagging "correctly", so it crops up under the "correct" "tumblr tag-pages"-or-whatever-theyre-called

🍁 organizational tags i use below "read more". below that are some statements too

➥ said statements table-of-contents: about helping me credit the little guys [[titled: "sources psa"]] 🍁 my opinions on when to credit an editor and whatnot, and when i will/won't credit another editor (which does explain why idgaf about y'all not crediting me when i do edits lmao) [[titled: "a potential controversy"]] 🍁

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏post-topic tags

#off theme

➥ (aka: these posts are not "memes & shit"; probably me posting a life-update or similar? idk)

#masterlist series

➥ (aka: anything i think is a mini-series of "things i have posted". i will VERY rarely do these, stuff's gotta be hyper-specific for me to feel like a masterlist is warranted. like. the first one of these i made was not just a Kylee Henke masterlist series, but a Kylee Henke's Zoobe Bunny Excerpt-Videos masterlist series. like i said, shit's got to be hyper-specific. if i made one for everything and everyone, i would get so overwhelmed so quickly, it's better this way, just let it be hyper-specific only lol)

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏post-typage tags

#my edit

➥ (aka: these are posts i "made", or at least did something to (eg. adding captions). these are like "the templates")

#my customization

➥ (aka: me applying an example of how to use "the templates". usually is from my irl life of me using these @my loved ones, and i post them here bc im a little bit too attached to wanna delete said customization entirely 👉👈🥺)

#captioned, #uncaptioned

#video

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏additional tags: my "esp for" tags

➥ (aka: the post is esp, or "especially", useful for these groups)

#esp for writers and i.f. creators

➥ (aka: posts will be applicable about writing, about discussing fictional characters, and so on)

#esp for artists

➥ (aka: posts will be applicable about doing art (the "art" in question primarily being drawing), and so on)

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏my Reaction Folders' titles ➡ now tags

my aforementioned Reactions Folders' titles:

#

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏sources psa

expect these to be the least consistent thing i do, ever, but sure, ill add them sometimes, i guess, when i remember/know who the source is. more likely the aforementioned "little guys" than anybody else tho, ngl. but said little guys will get credit either within the post and/or within the image/video itself; and if i forget to also tag said credit, i think that's fine. i'll still try to do it, even though i know ill be inconsistent and forgetful the little guys and big guys, but also shhhhhhh if i forget. i'm doing my best, just let my mistakes go, let it be inconsistent

➥ but also do feel free to reblog the post (if it's an aforementioned "little guy" ESPECIALLY) and help source credit! (➡ note, for said lil guys, i will fact-check at MY leisure, assuming i see your reblog notif to begin with. and if i see that your sourcing is correct: ill reblog your addition AND edit the og post. just. do me the common decency of not insulting me for forgetting to source/not knowing who to source, whichever lol

bc i do have understandable reasons for not always knowing who to source?? bc a lot of these are videos i got from tiktok accounts, tumblr posts, and other websites where the "op" of said item?? was NOT the actual original poster, and did not source the people/person/etc within the item. ans now idk who to credit too lmao rip

● which, for artists and editors-whose-edits-are-NOT-simple-edits you can tell bc that item did not match the style/s already attached to their account, and didnt say something like "trying a new style!" or whatever in the bio or comments or something. idk. people who never can "stick to one style" still have a general large encompassing area they still to, ive never gotten a "i dont really have an art-/editing-style" person confused with an art-/editing-thief. and im one of those people who constantly change up their art/edits/writing/aesthetic/etc ("idk what exact box i fit into. im just me"), which i think? maybe helps me??? on figuring out if someone is a thief or is just inconsistent/experimenting/"just being me"/whatever?? but yeah! an art-thief especially, and oftentimes also edit-thieves, tend to be pretty obvious they are a thief. even if the comments have not already caught on. bc sometimes youll see a comment outright saying "you stole this from xyz" or "you traced xyz's art/you copied xyz's edit" but not always

● several others? especially ones that were videos of irl people?? i always check out the account and, MANY times have went "..okay this account is just a compilation of memes/jokes/etc, idk. but its VERY safe to assume they are definitely reposting and are NOT the irl person in the video". the person/people in this video assumedly are unaware their video of them being a silly lil goofball they posted on their personal account is here, on an account that compiles memes and funny videos. (bc its VERY rare that an account focused on humor will post content that reveals their face and/or their loved one/s. so. safe to assume it isn't theirs.) and i do want to find the original personal account this image/video in question came from, so i do look. there's a very small margin of error where, if a video looks really old, i wont look tho bc i assume the original account it was posted on is gone and, if it really looks old enough or like enough of "that type of oops funny thing was improv'ed" gag that i think maybe it was on "America's Funniest Home Videos" or a similar clip-show on cable?? ill admit, those ones, i dont try. but if it's like "this obviously friends trying to do a silly trend on tiktok"?? yeah, of course, i look for the account that came from, absolutely. but yeah, that's the usual spectrum for those types. i rarely find, much less keep, videos i can see landing on those "America's Funniest Home Video" type of clip-shows. so, really, the only "danger" there is for being a new video featuring irl people who idk? to go uncredited AND be a rare case where i didn't even try to look for the original account?? is, again, if the low-resolution and content of the video makes me think the video is old enough to where searching would be pointless. to which i then ask, fam? why the fuck is the resolution so bad that i thought this was maybe uploaded to Vine or MySpace (or MAYBE even was a VHS mailed to early-EARLY "AFHV"? lmao imagine), the fuck lol???? but whatever, nobody's perfect, i think you can grant me this kind of margin of error if my anxiety is already willing to grant it lmao

which, ill fully admit. i care about crediting these people for my own self-interests. like, sure, i do it in no small part bc it's the nice and kind thing to at least TRY to do. but also?? i do care about ensuring that person gets a shout-out bc of my anxiety catastrophisizing the hypothetical of a post of mine blowing up and inducing me to feel massive guilt from the fact that i didnt give credit to the people who actually made the item in question so they could also share in the attention of virality. so like. i dont assume ill go viral?? i WORRY ill go viral lmao if? that?? makes sense? which. i have trauma that i know would make me hate even a quarter-of-the-way viral levels of attention would imply. and i feel like, if this account was to ever go viral (god forbid. gatekeep me. dont let it happen lol there's a significant chance i might abandon this account if that happens), i feel like one thing that would basically be destined to happen is i would get chronically-online people criticizing me for not crediting my sources and riding on other people's hard-work. which like. i know they would do anyway since im not perfect at crediting. but if i didnt even TRY, that would hurt differently in a way that'd fuck me up. never know who could be the next hypothetical Cinderella story, like how Kombucha-Girl became the p fucking famous Britney Broski (regardless on your or my own feelings on Britney Broski, she did get her fame from a jokey meme that totally changed her life). give people their credit. like. i am also doing it to be nice and kind, sure! but know that even if i felt exhausted of all my nicities and kind inklings somehow on some certain day?? my anxiety would still demand i at least TRY to find the source. like. anytime you see NO credit?? ANYWHERE??? know the day i found the image/video, i probably spent a good chunk of time between 15 to 45 minutes, out of niceness and kindness and also to appease my anxiety, trying to find the source before calling it quits and saying "at least i tried" (aforementioned exceptions and/or margin of error notwithstanding lol)

which, with everyone where i have TRIED to see if i could reverse-image-source the item?? ive had mixed results from that. sometimes, i found them; sometimes, i didn't. but feel free to try again for me. you might get the correct result a lot quicker than me!

("wha—? h- how.. would i?? get the correct result...? quicker than you...??")

well. my information im about to share with you could be outdated or incomplete, so take this with a grain of salt. but i remember in elementary school how my teacher told our class that google alters the search-results per [insert IP or whatever the technical term she said that ive forgotten is] depending on the history of searches. she told us this so that "if you can't find the answer you need, it doesn't mean you're stupid. ask a friend to check their search-results and find the answer together! it might just be google being picky about what words (or i guess the equivalent would be which frame you chose to screenshot in your and my case, since i dont think an image-file itself being uploaded could result in pickiness) you decided to use, or perhaps it's results are biasedly influenced by what the AI has learned about your family through your families' collective internet search-history". which was basically her sly way of telling us to not depend on the first results we find, or even the first page of results, but to be critical of our sources in their credibility and whatnot. so, the way i understood what she meant was via an example she proceeded to give us that went SOMETHING(?) like this:

(🅰️) a kid whose parent is a professor with a doctorate who brings work home often, meaning they use the family-wifi to research academic studies. when that kid googles "teach me about pyramids"? their results may be extremely well-regarded articles about the Egyptian pyramids (such as the New York Times), peer-reviewed journals about the Egyptian tombs history, Khan Academy and other very good mathematical sources to help you understand how pyramids work within geometry, a released study-guide of various pyramids' formulas (relating to geometry) from Harvard's math-degree program, and much more. a very good foundation for their Egyptian pyramid report for class, and the math could help with that research in breaking down those pyramids dimensions in that report which could give that student an interesting angle that puts their report from an "A" status to an "A+" status, especially if their parent can help them plug in the right numbers into the relevant formulas! very helpful

vs. (🅱️) a kid whose parent works in accounting and taxes, who strives for a healthy work-life balance of never bring work home as often as possible. as a result, the parent uses the family wifi to play pseudo-gambling-with-fake-money apps on their phones more than anything else, to de-compress and de-stress. when that kid googles "teach me about the pyramids"? their results will include some articles about the Egyptian pyramids, but maybe not as credibly-sourced since the [insert IP or whatever it was called again] with this family's wifi isn't used to finding online resources of academic credibility. in fact, the student might get confused since a lot of results might be influenced by those pseudo-gambling phone-apps, and be showing the child information about Las Vegas's pyramids. which. isn't what the report is about. and due to this parent likely having to still bring work home sometimes, like during tax season or other stressful crunch-times, there might be way more math results about pyramids (geometry) than about the Egyptian pyramids. but accountants don't use geometry in their work, they use more basic arithmetic and algebra. so the formulas about the pyramids (geomtry) here would only talk about the pyramids of Egypt as part of the word-problems. so even if the parent was to also have the availability to help the kid plug in the accurate applicable numbers into the formula? those formulas are more likely to be not give a full picture of how to calculate the Egyptian pyramids' size and dimensions. and that's if the kid has the right numbers written down as they might have the dimensions for those Las Vegas pyramids instead, and feels inspired by these online results to even try to do this math (as the lack of "training the computer" to look for reliable articles means these word-problem results are more likely to be blank homework page examples, but could also include walk-throughs here and there like the Kid-A recieved plenty of). but those Egyptian pyramid articles, the most important part of this whole paper, are ALSO more likely to be from less reliable sources with perhaps incorrect information (bc people online like to lie. bc it is fun. but also sometimes people online think they are right when they actually fundamentally misunderstand something), like maybe Kid-B sees enough articles by conspiracy theorists on those unreliable websites that Kid-B thinks "aliens built the Egyptian pyramids" is a more seriously considered and debated topic of academic discussion than it is (which.. it's not. that actually has gotten the famous "Aleins" History Channel Meme Guy fired from his job bc his outspoken belief in this theory cpuld have risked his university's reputation and accreditation. so. yeah, no, Kid-B, those are not academic articles). overall, unless either the parent or Kid-B themselves catches that Kid-B has to sort through a lot more "proverbial litter" to find good, ACTUALLY academic, and ACTUALLY reliable sources of information about the Egyptian pyramids and Egypt's history, Kid-B could fail their report. even if they spent just as long on research and worked just as hard as Kid-A, all bc Kid-B was ignorant to their digital disadvantages and Kid-A unknowingly advantaged. all bc of that [thing with IP or AI or whatever it was called] and what it had learned from the family wifi what the assumed interests of its users would be. a feature no kid could easily turn off/on

which worked at making the kids in our class write down these Definitively Reliable Websites where we could search for accredited articles and peer-reviewed sources. i dont remember what they were back then, we were only in 5th or 4th grade. but it was a great lesson to be taught, im frankly shocked and a bit appalled that more kids were not taught this kind of syuff when teachers are first helping students learn how to research. everyone NOT from that class (even kids who did go to the same elementary school, but jusy did not have that teacher) all have been shocked as i am usually the first one to tell people about how, yeah, that's an aspect of how many (if not all) search-engines work

anyway. the information stuck with all of us from that class, as far as i can tell (a lot of us in that class attended the same middle and high school. like. at least 40% of us, if not a LOT more. so there was a rare time or two where id talk about this and i wouldn't be The First Person To Ever Tell Someone This Search-Engine Info. and every time it was bc the peer in question i just told would go "oh! yeah, i remember [insert name of other kid that i shared that elementary teacher with] said the same to me, like, last year!" or something. but that WAS rare so idk), or at least it always stuck with me. and i was one of the luckier kids who didn't NEED to know the info! and it still has stuck with me all these years later, even the examples of Kid-A and Kid-B!! like! i was on Kid-A's side of the spectrum WAY more than i was to Kid-B's side of the spectrum. my family definitely "trained the computer" in a way i got massive benefits from. like im talking i either was 100% Kid-A, 0% Kid-B or else i was a very minimal mix like maybe 93% Kid-A, 07% Kid-B levels of "minimal". yet still, whenever i find i distrust the google results on my phone, if im next to a friend, ill ask them to google the same thing i did to see if their first page of results looks better than mine and very often we DO get different search results! so!! even if i dont get how that works, that teacher was still right!

brief tangent: im convinced this is how some of my friends that are girls who do the whole "i can stalk your would-be-date like a Private Eye and find out information down to a C.I.A. level about if this person is worthy of being assumed to be trustworthy or not" benefit from this. like they themsleves have trained their phones (with their own dates and friends' dates and even co-workers/other acquantices' dates) or something to be AWESOME and THAT FAST at pulling up the results most likely to give them all of this stranger's private info. it's wild

anyway, screenshot or download the png or jpeg or whatever (or screenshot a frame from a video) to try to find the source if you think the lack of credit on the post implies i cant find it (bc it's either that or i forgot. which. "forgot" could mean "i have the source but didnt realize i didnt put it in the post" OR "i once had the source but now forgot who to credit this to and can't find them, oh no". so. good chance i likely need help even if it was an "oh, i forgot" type of mistake). you may have a better trained [whatever the tech is, if not IP, idk] than me at reverse-image-searching to find the people and/or company the item in question is originally from. who knows. go give it a try! what's the worst that could happen? lol

but yeah, when the source is obviously. like. Walt Disney Studios or like Pixar or Warner Brothers or RDJ or Nicholas Cage or whoever the fuck then like?? i didn't put credit bc they don't need the shout-out, you very well probably recognize the actor/studio/product they are in if it's something real mainstream that tou onlt know bc of pop culture osmosis, they got millions or billions of money as pocket-change, im not stressing myself out with crediting EVERYONE since crediting "everyone" doesn't affect "everyone" equally. im only worried about the people who not getting a shout-out could potentially very negatively affect (aka: the little guys). im not gonna stress about "the big guys" lol they're rich, they're easy to find, they're fine lmao

if you DO need help finding the source from "a big guy" that i posted about, just go @ me in a post and ask (or, hell, reblog the post that came from me and @ me in the said reblog. you can delete it after i answer you). i know i have Asks/Submits/Replies/etc turned off. (its bc i dont want to be accessible to everyone ever all the time lmao that feels stressful. so this One Public Avenue being the only way you could ask me means you gotta REALLY wanna know in order to get a hold of me). i do ask y'all don't do it for "a little guy" bc ill probably ignore you if i already tried to find said little guy and am ashamed that my labor was in vain (but if i do know the source for sure, like i still fully remember their info�� and just simply forgot to credit said lil guy, then ill absolutely reply to you and edit the og post). know i check this blog VERY infrequently and may genuinely miss your question or answer it A LONG TIME after you @'ed me. so like. dont get mad if i take forever to reply?? or never reply? nobody wants to help someone who is entitled and gets mad at someone else for [not wanting to reply/didn't know they had something to reply to/took a long time to reply to but did reply]. mad or passive-aggressive. ive blocked people for less lol but yeah. just be polite to strangers, in general, of course, but also to strangers in predicaments like mine who have lives that take priority outside of a meme-y joke-y sideblog lol

to reiterate: feel free (but no pressure) to help if and when you can if you notice there was no credit for a lil guy on my blog pls? thanks 🫶

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏a potential controversy

i think my lines with who i decide to credit and who i dont are overall pretty clear. and i think it helps that, the way i see it, im not a hypocrite about my ideas of who to credit and who not to: bc things do get dicey when it comes to crediting people with small edits. yet i also dont insist on any credit for any of my own edits, bc i also see my edits as p fucking small. which might get SOME people mad on principle should they disagree with my overall perspective. regardless, this bit here will VERY likely be my one and only statement about it

but i do fully admit i dont quite know THE qualative line exactly? but let's establish what i mean via examples. if an account is posting a clip-compilation of "Digital Circus" and they did a "all the times Jax was sassy for 3 minutes" or something, meaning they did splice and edit this compilation together (that is one chunk of editing they did in of itself). but then they also added tiny edits, like i know its common for tiktok funny-scene-compilation-editors to have one the said simple edits just be a "🙄😒" next the character rolling their eyes (in this case, Jax). in my mind?? even tho this editor did add these kind of very minimal additions to the content at hand? and im just profiting off of the convenience of "oH YEAH, i wanted this scene clipped to use for reactions/memes! i just was putting it off bc i didnt know its time-stamp" and i use any clips, those with "🙄😒" edits and otherwise, where the most editing *i* then do afterwards is like add captions? i still see that as "the source belongs to 'Digital Circus' as there were no significant edits done to alter the material". i'm not crediting the editor that i benefited from the clip-compilation of. that's part of why i also walk what i talk in saying "if i subtitled or edited additionally to anything on this blog? you do not have to credit me. i barely did anything. i just added text, maybe with some effects done to said text to reflect volume/tone/pitch or whatever, and maybe a couple emojis/pictures were overlayed. that's nothing. i try to caption most things for accessibility. and sometimes i feel like being a goofball and i add other things ontop of it. bur nothing worthy of crediting me". bc, in the case of my edits and other people's similarly small edits? is the gag 10 times out of 10 is all still on the original content. but we start talking about an edit as in someone made an AMV?? (as in they had to splice in time to the music and maybe did other edits in addition to elevate the AMV. not as in "look, i put music behind this otherwise unedited clip" lol) or someone heavily edited this non-AMV clip of Jax to have, idk, silly meme-y circus-music ontop of having done manips of a rainbow clown wig and nose to follow his every head-motion and then ALSO did the classic DUN-meme-sound reverberation with camera-shake and black-white filter after Jax's dumbest expressions or lines?? that. that is SO MUCH editing and definitely changes the clip to where i am absolutely sourcing both "Digital Circus" and that editor. both of the AMV and circus-Jax

so, again, idk exactly where the qualitative line is. but i do have one where i refuse to fuck over people who have edited the original content to the point that now the audience is there for this person's editing skills, and not bc of the original content within the clip/s used. does that make sense?? i hope that makes sense. this is my one and only statement im gonna make about it anyway lol i think my reasoning is sound. if your content is heavily relient on the original content being as unedited as possible but you just added a few things on the "🙄😒"-level to be a goofball? keep doing what you're doing, im not going to yuck your yum (especially since i am identical to you and i also love to add a bit of razzle-dazzle lol). but im not going to credit you, the credit goes to the people who made the said original content that this "🙄😒"-and-adjacent-edits dont alter or anything. it's still like 90% the original show's clip?? come on lmao you and i can both live without the credit. feel free to take my edits and add them to your account "so i see how it feels". it's still almost entirely the original show, so ive made my peace with rarely/never getting credit for my small edits or subtitles bc like.. it's still 90% the original show??? i did basically nothing. i just had fun, have a clip i can throw into discord or a text-conversation for a tee-hee with my loved one, and have given other people permission to benefit from this side-blog's collection and possible captioning. again, come on lol the editors who actually changed the content so much with their skills that, other than that they used the original show like a collage artist benefits from magazines and whatnot, they've DEFINITELY changed more than 90% of the content to the point that their viewers are having a different experience with this editor than they would be watching the original show or its clips. come on lmao

[zed-the-buggy]

He's seen about four memes and they were all shown to him by schoolmates. At least he understood one of them. It wasn't Banzai's though.

(textless, art meme, & rambles under cut)

e today got a little bit busy it seems... I wanted to do a lot more drawing today but I was out and about for most of it :,) fortunately able to finish this off though! Hope I get another something done tonight :,,) also that one very lengthy blog too soon :,,,) also like 3 other wip interactions :,,,,)

(also I tried a chat bubble style heavily inspired by Mad Rat Dead because that's my current side obsession. Surprisingly, it's not Terraria.)

Been wanting to do something with @buraibanzai's Banzai, the fellow blue-haired light-themed quirk who... and that's probably where the similarities end honestly but shh.

I just wanted to do this.

[mommalosthermind]

Kaeya thoughts part a lot: This is stream of consciousness, not really thought out at all, but I’m making it the tag’s problem anyway because I Can. So. Apologies in advance, this is messy and ridiculous.

Side effect of writing fic about characters with very inconsistent canon personalities, possibly, but I find myself thinking about the choice to have Kaeya’s constellation be the peacock. Especially as I’ve discovered the way I tend to write him is… specific.

From what little I know of birds, (which is very little. I grew up in a kennel, y’all, not a bird run, I can talk Great Danes for days, but I know jack shit about birds besides Pretty and Loud) the eyespots are meant for attracting a mate. This isn’t necessarily relevent, but I do tend to always have shipper lenses on, so it is also…not not-relevant? …moving on.

My silly rabbit hole is more about symbols.

Peacocks are stunning. Bright colors, lots of contrast, a fan of glorious feathers much larger than their bodies, utterly covered in false eyes. They’re meant to be flashy and attention-getting.

But it’s not actually the peacock you’re looking at, is it?

The tail, those false eyes, that’s what you’re looking at when you marvel at a peacock. Not the bird itself. I mean, sure, you might drop your eyes for a moment and coo over the brilliant sapphire feathers on the body, the little fluffy bits around the head, maybe the delicate curve of their neck, or just how tiny their head seems in comparison. But it’s the damn tail that you’re centered on, that you’re supposed to be staring at.

I know it’s hardly revolutionary, but every now and then I just have to sit with the realization that this is exactly what Kaeya, what little we’ve been given, is.

He’s beautiful, he’s bright, he’s carefully cultivated his appearance to be eye-catching. He seems to modify his behaviors and even his voice to keep whoever’s attention he’s after, and then he shifts that attention to exactly where he wants it.

Kaeya as he presents himself is his own tail, his own false, misleading eye. And since you’re looking there, you’re not looking at the smaller parts of him that are Real Kaeya. You’re missing his actual goals or intentions.

Add in the fact that he’s got an eye-patch, the possibility of an otherworldly eye hidden beneath it, add in the various godly Oculus— the god’s eyes scattered throughout Teyvat, the way the visions themselves are also sometimes referred to as gods’ eyes, and it just makes it a little more interesting to me that Kaeya’s ‘destiny’ is represented by an animal known for being covered in gorgeous, attention funneling fake eyes.

Then, of course, there’s other things, like how supposedly peacocks are surprisingly delicate needy idiots, and well. How could he have ever been anything else?

In all fifty billion of my wips, I can’t seem to escape the fact that Kaeya is both the lure and the trap. He’s turned himself into the target, the siren’s call, but in such a way where *his* target never notices the teeth they’ve walked right into. How could they? They’re too busy being lost in beautiful blue eyes that aren’t there.

But, Archons, he wishes someone would find the real one. Just once, and maybe, if he plays his cards right, they’ll keep him close.

[zigtheeortega]

out of time

✿ pairing: sienna x danny

✿ word count: 3354

✿ warnings: death, loss

✿ author’s note: well, i thought i’d just flesh out what we didn’t get to see, since i highly doubt they’ll expand on it since it’s off screen. it’s not my best work, but it was written out of spite so hopefully that makes up for the lack of quality LMAO. anyways, i tagged everybody who liked this post and added it to the end since there were quite a few! [sidenote: i wrote this post after i’d started this fic so if you see similarities, that’s why] i really hope you like it and that i did both sienna and danny justice!

•─────────✦✿✦────────•

She sprinted down the hallway, pager still beeping erratically on her hip, the weight of the numbers enough to make her feel like she was slugging through wet concrete.

No, no, not him, please, not him, she chanted to herself, vision blurring with tears before she had the chance to let the negative possibilities set in.

He’s gonna be okay. It’s okay. We’re okay.

Thankfully she was only one floor away, taking the steps two at a time, shoes squeaking against the waxy floor. Sweat formed on her brow as she shoved through the stair’s exit door, pushing past every intern in her way.

Normally she’d stop to apologize, but not today. She didn’t know how much time she had. It could be minutes, and she wasn’t going to waste even a second apologizing when someone’s life was on the line.

She saw the small crowd forming outside of the room and barrelled towards them without a second thought, tearing her way to the front.

When she saw Spencer’s terrorized gaze, her chest tightened involuntarily. Her body covered the entrance to the room, so she could barely see into the room, but she did catch a glimpse of something that made her blood run cold.

A purple pant leg strewn across the floor, ankle relaxed, unmoving, peeking out behind Spencer’s side.

“Sienna, stop. You can’t go any further,” Ethan murmured, gently holding her in place with his arm.

“But I have to – Danny – he’s –” she struggled against his grip, lip wobbling.

“Please,” he said, more of a statement than a question, like he was holding back, too, the strain in his voice enough to stop her in her tracks.

She watched, helpless, as Spencer and Rafael scrambled to seal the room, Bobby convulsing on the ground, Travis passed out, and Danny getting weaker and weaker by the second.

It was like turning on the news and seeing tragedy after tragedy – she always felt absolutely helpless. Her empathy always felt like a curse in those moments. She couldn’t stop herself from feeling everything, whether she wanted to or not.

She wrapped her arms around herself, digging her fingernails into her side, rocking from foot to foot. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from Danny’s frail form on the ground.

“Hey, I came here as fast as I could,” a voice huffed at her side. She turned, met with Jackie’s concerned gaze, hands on her hips as she panted, tiny sweat stains dotting her teal scrubs.

“It’s… All of them, Jackie, –” she couldn’t find the words to quite describe the soul crushing weight of the situation.

Bobby, Rafael, Spencer, and Danny… people that had been her emotional rocks through the lowest points of her life.

Bobby was her unsung hero. He’d keep guard while she cried in the supply closet so she wasn’t disturbed, in return for a dozen of her chocolate chip cookies. After the first few times, she brought him baked goods weekly regardless of whether she had a breakdown or not.

Rafael was her empath twin, as weird as it sounded. She’d branded them that as a joke, between giggles, on her late night break at the cafeteria. Despite it being stated jokingly, it was true – they found themselves confiding in each other each time they faced a difficult situation, bonding over the fact that their jobs took a lot more out of them than the normal person.

Spencer was her late night confidante, the person who she’d crawl into bed with at 3 a.m. after having another detailed nightmare where she was cursed with endless terminal patients. There weren’t that many people she’d platonically cuddle and sob until she was a snotting mess next to.

And Danny… he was the future. He was a vision of what she’d always wanted.

It took her too long to break away from Wayne’s hold. She knew he was toxic, but she didn’t want to admit it – how was she supposed to admit that she’d been wrong for that long?

With Danny, she was comfortable. He got her in a way no one else did. He had the potential to be every single role that her friends played simultaneously.

God, and she’d told him she needed time. She hadn’t properly healed from Wayne so she needed some time before she moved on and –

Now it’s too late, she thought to herself as she watched them wheel out Travis and Danny in glass cases.

And Bobby in a body bag.

“Holy shit,” Jackie breathed, eyes widening. “Fuck – Oh my god, Sienna –”

The tears were already flowing as she slammed her face into Jackie’s chest, body wracked with inconsolable sobs.

She’d never hugged Jackie like this before, as she hated physical affection unless it was… PG-13.

Jackie stiffened, but wrapped her arms around Sienna’s shoulders, patting her back, slowly melting into the embrace.

“We’ll visit him as soon as we can,” she said in her ear, holding Sienna up as she nearly crumbled.

––––

Danny’s body was still, the only movement his heaving chest as he took shallow, labored breaths, his normally warm skin tone muted, drained of color.

“Hey, it’s me,” she called as she closed the door behind her, voice shaky, tote bag at her side. “I hope you can hear me.”

No response.

“Uh… I brought some of our favs. Secret of Ninradell and some music to play so hopefully it makes your dreams a little sweeter – ” she forced a laugh, trying to keep her brave face. “I brought some cookies that I baked last night – uh, I’m sorry they’re not fresh – I –”

Her voice cracked, and she rolled her lips together to keep her chin from trembling. She dragged a nearby chair closer to the glass box, sliding into it, never taking her eyes from his face.

God, why did it have to be you? She thought to herself, covering her mouth with her hands as she cried, her soft sobs muted by the loud machines monitoring his vitals.

She popped open the cover of the hardback, highlighter in hand. “I’m gonna read this to you, if that’s okay? I’m highlighting passages that remind me of you,” she smiled sadly, watching his eyes roll underneath their lids. He was dreaming.

“I know you hate when I mark up books. That’s the librarian speaking, huh?” She giggled, remembering the time he told her about his job in the campus library, and his deep hatred for the Dewey decimal system.

She began reading, trying her best at different accents, failing miserably, but it distracted her from reality if just momentarily.

Her year had been full of blow after crushing blow, both professionally and personally. Losing Wayne, breaking the news to terminal patients, dealing with the toll it took on her mental health, as well as dealing with an intern that was using her – she wasn’t stupid. She just would rather suck it up than have someone upset with her that was supposed to look up to her. Stupid, but she couldn’t handle the thought of disappointing another person.

Hours later, voice hoarse, pages and pages marked up, her hands stained with neon yellow ink, she was drifting off to sleep where she sat – but a groan startled her awake.

“Uhhhhhh,” he moaned, visibly in pain, writhing uncomfortably.

“Danny? Hey, I’m here,” she rushed forward to the box, pressing her hand up against the side, hoping he could feel the warmth of her hand through the glass.

“Sienna…?” He asked, eyes fluttering open and closed. He couldn’t focus on her face.

“I’m here. I’m not leaving.”

“Good,” he croaked, weakly flopping his hand to touch the glass.

He didn’t know it, but those two words were enough to strengthen her withering resolve. She fell asleep cradling the glass, arm slung over the top.

–––

She was ripped from her sleep by intense beeping from the machines surrounding Danny, and she glanced down, peering through the glass at Danny’s quivering form, switching between violent shakes and gentle shivers.

She slammed the emergency button and quickly went to work trying to find the source of the issue, waiting for the nurses to come as back up.

“Danny. Danny, stay with me. Listen to my voice. Hold on, alright? Nurses are heading here now, and we’re going to take care of you,” she said calmly, betraying her shaking hands.

They set to work immediately, trying to keep him from slipping into unconsciousness, all four nurses working swiftly, nimble fingers and precise movements, never getting into each others’ way.

Sienna watched from outside as they worked, glass box open, desperately wishing she had a hazmat suit. Ethan and Jackie observed, giving calm commands.

“Sienna!”

She turned, eyes red rimmed from crying and lack of sleep, startling Elijah as he rolled to a stop next to her.

“Jackie asked me to send an intern up to bring you a hazmat suit… but I thought I’d bring it myself, to check on you,” he said, eyebrows furrowed, handing the folded hazmat suit from his lap to her arms.

“Don’t feel like you need to talk to me right now, alright? I’ll wait out here, if you need me.” He gave her a sympathetic smile as he patted her arm.

“Thank you,” she mumbled, hastily throwing on the hazmat suit and ripping at the zipper, growing more and more frustrated as it caught on her clothes. “Come on. Come on, come on –”

“Here, let me help,” Elijah offered. “Bend down and I’ll zip it up.”

She followed his instruction and squatted as Elijah glided the zipper upwards, patting her back softly when he was done.

And like before, she had no time to thank him. She didn’t want to miss one second with Danny.

She burst into the room, not disturbing the hive-like efficiency of the nurses.

She watched as they poked and prodded and worked tirelessly to keep him conscious. There was an undeniable tension in the air, stretched so thin it could snap at any moment.

The strained atmosphere of the room didn’t come from the doctors – it came from the nurses. Sienna knew how much Danny meant to his coworkers. He was always the first to resolve conflict and make people feel at ease.

They were tight knit; losing Danny would be a crushing blow.

“Please, Jackie, tell me what’s happening,” she said between panicky breaths, unable to contain her anxiety. “I need to know.”

“We’re trying to stabilize him… but we’re not sure what’s causing him to go into shock in the first place,” Jackie said, brows furrowed.

Three long, painful minutes later, his heart rate returned to normal, his whole body in a feverish sweat.

“That took a lot out of him,” Sienna whispered, watching a nurse press a damp, cool cloth to his forehead and neck.

“You know we have to get rid of your bag, right? It’s contaminated,” Jackie grimaced, motioning to the nurse that was zipping it into a sealed bag, about to throw it away.

“No, you can’t – I didn’t even get to finish reading Ninradell to him last night,” Sienna pleaded, rushing forward to the nurse.

“You can’t take it out of this room,” Ethan shook his head, his statement dismissive, but his tone of voice sympathetic.

“Can I at least finish reading it to him? I promise I’ll dispose of it properly. I just… I need some more time with him.”

“I don’t think –” “I’ll stay with her,” Jackie nodded, holding Ethan’s gaze. “Don’t worry, I’ll page you if anything happens.”

With one firm tilt of his chin, he left the room, presumably towards Spencer and Rafael.

“We think he can hear what’s going on around him, so it’s actually a great idea to read to him,” Jackie said, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “It might help pull him through this.”

Jackie grabbed the bag from the nurse wordlessly, handing it back to Sienna. “You can take a break,” she said to the group of nurses anxiously huddled next to Danny. “We’ll watch over him.”

One of them started sealing the box, but Sienna stopped them with a frantic “Wait.”

“Keep it open. I’ll seal it later,” Jackie ordered gently.

She slipped into the seat next to him, holding firmly onto the edge of the glass.

Jackie must’ve noticed she was debating whether or not she should touch him, so she confirmed it for her. “You can touch him. Don’t be afraid.”

“But I am,” she said, voice cracking, tears threatening to spill. It was tiresome how much she’d cried over the past twelve hours.

She was thankful he’d held on for that long, but she had no idea when it was coming. From his steadily declining health as well as appearance, it was inevitable.

“I’m so scared,” Sienna whispered, refusing to look at her, eyes trained on the rise and fall of his chest.

“You have every right to be, babe. I’m so sorry,” Jackie said, striding over to rest an arm around her shoulders.

“I… told him I needed more time to be me, you know? I needed to figure out more about me because with Wayne and with surviving last year and the stuff with Spencer and Mrs. Martinez and – and –” she cut herself off, trying to regain her composure.

“You lost sight of who you were.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly it. Everything I thought I knew was thrown out the window and it’s like I haven’t even had time to recover,” she said, her voice still wavering.

“I did the same thing last year. But you can’t beat yourself up about it. You never in a million years would’ve guessed that this could happen.”

Sienna took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to unravel the tight coil in her chest. “But he was the only thing making coming to work worth it. I like him a lot and I just… told him to wait.”

“If he had a problem with that, he would’ve moved on.”

She glanced up, met with Jackie’s soft expression, sympathetic and kind – so much different than the tough exterior she was used to. “Don’t blame yourself, Sienna. It’ll break you.”

She knew she was right, but the nagging voice at the back of her mind wouldn’t allow her to let it go. 

She cracked the book open, flipping to the last page she’d read from, about two-thirds into it. But before she could start reading, Danny stirred.

His hand twitched, his fingers flexing like he was grabbing for something. Without a second thought she grasped his hand between her glove-clad palms, the book clamoring onto the ground.

“Sienna…” he whispered, trying to open his eyes, but they fluttered shut, like a weight pulling at his lashes.

She wanted desperately to see his bright eyes again, to hear him to reassure her that it’d all work out. That she’d be okay. That he’d be okay.

“Hey, I’m here,” she said, lightly squeezing her hand.

He moaned, presumably in pain, wiggling like he couldn’t stay still.

“How bad is your pain on a scale 1-10? I’m gonna count up and you squeeze my hand to stop me, alright?”

He gave a weak tilt of his chin, a single nod the only thing he could muster.

She began counting. “One… two… three…”

Nothing.

She kept counting, feeling a weak squeeze when she said “Nine.”

“I’ve never felt this bad before,” he whispered, Sienna having to lean in to hear him.

“Danny, if it’s a ten, you need to tell me,” she chewed the inside of her lip, already racking her brain for the best pain medicine that wouldn’t react with the mystery poison.

“It’s not at a ten…” He stirred, wincing, managing a weak smile. “Because you’re here with me.”

He sighed, like it took a lot out of him to say two sentences.

“That was so sweet,” she said, glancing up at Jackie, knowing her haunted expression would ruin the moment if she let him see it.

Jackie looked equally as upset, her jaw set, fists clenched at her side.

“Stop it, Dr. Varma… you’ve done –” he took another deep, shuddering breath. “You’ve done so much for me already.”

“So have you. You’re a trooper,” Jackie nodded, looking up at the ceiling. Sienna couldn’t tell if she was trying to hold back tears or keep herself from thinking about it. “Thanks for holding out for us, Danny.”

“I don’t know how much longer I can, though,” he said, gripping Sienna’s hand, opening his eyes unexpectedly.

She shook her head, holding his hand to her chest. “No, don’t think like that. You can hold on for a while longer. I believe in you.”

“Sienna… You’re my favorite person,” he breathed, looking up at her with a spark of life in his eyes, a contrast from the gaunt look of his face. His dark circles gave the allusion that his eyes were sunken in, a skeleton of who he was less than 24 hours ago.

It scared the hell out of her how quickly he changed – and how content he looked with slipping away.

“You have to let them test on me,” he squeezed her hand. “It’ll help.”

“No, you’re gonna be fine –”

“It’s okay,” he reassured her, a soft smile adorning his lips, pale and cracked. “You’ll be okay.”

He craned his neck, trying to hold his head up. Sienna slipped her hand underneath the nape of his neck, supporting him. He tilted his head forward, lightly pressing his damp forehead against her hazmat suit.

She leaned forward, pressing hers against the loose protective fabric, feeling the warmth of his skin through it. 

“You can’t go, I – your family hasn’t even gotten to visit you –” She choked, the warm tears dotting the thick plastic screen, streaking down to fall farther into her suit.

“They couldn’t get here in time,” he said, matter-of-factly.

They sat there like that for a while. Her concept of time was thrown out the window as soon as she got the initial page, so it could’ve been ten seconds or ten minutes.

“Thank you for reading to me.”

She laughed, sniffling. “We spent all night talking about Ninradell, so it was only fitting I stayed up all night to read it to you.”

Another little while passed. Talking took so much out of him, that he had to take a few breaks between his speech so he wouldn’t pass out from exhaustion. “Don’t blame yourself,” he said, cutting through the silence. “You couldn’t have stopped this.”

She stared at her hands, clasped around his own, drained of color. He’d closed his eyes, so thankfully he couldn’t see her pained expression.

“I know. I can’t help but feel responsible for everything, even when it’s out of my control… I’m so sorry,” she said, voice breaking for the millionth time. She could barely form words without choking on them.

She cursed herself for not being stronger. Overwhelming emotion was enough to render her speechless, meanwhile Danny was pushing through searing pain in order to leave her with words she’d carry with her forever.

He’d mustered his last bit of energy to tell her to be kind to herself.

The machine behind him beeped. His heart rate had slowed to a crawl, and he was gone before Jackie could spring to action.

And when his hand went limp in between her palms, she let out an inhuman wail that no one, not even Spencer, had heard before.

––––

tags: @saintniceguy ; @part-of-the-circus ; @vandalasal ; @dudebro-lahela ; @averysheart-raleighsdick ; @cptnvers ; @bringing-back-socks-with-sandals ; @la-huerta ; @ironysyndrome ; @anotordinarygoldfish ; @pumpkinbutt ; @browneyedmissy ; @soo-empty ; @anonymous2094 ; @lumpyspaceprincessismybitch ; @lady-stirling ; @papinaveensbitch ; @writinghereandthere ; @unusualvisionsblog ; @beccadavenport ; @messofakind ; @violinet ; @serafinedupont ; @raleiighcarrera ; @pixeljazzy ; @pixelsandkink ; @altairadtaz

[modernliterature]

just another 20+ hours and i’ll be caught up lmfao 

[ask-fowlham]

T: And we’re very happy together!! <3

[lonniemachin]

Hi! So first, I love love love your tags on the Anarky panels I posted because you're absolutely right, the direction of the 99 comic was... A Choice tm. But second of all, I wanted to ask, because I was curious as to your thoughts on the initiatory violence thing: do you think Lonnie might consider the oppression/oppressive systems that he fights to be first blow, and so in punishing them, he is instead reacting? I just thought that could be a character motivation that might explain that line! No worries if you disagree; I'm just curious to hear what you think! Full respect to you and your blog, and I'm so glad someone else out there loves Lonnie! :D

first of all, i really, really appreciate it! anarky fans are very few and far between, and i get really excited when i find people talking and posting about him. he’s one of my top favorite DC characters and i only have one or two friends who share that sentiment, so i feel much the same way :)

you know, as someone who’s read a lot of anarky comics (including ones i really, really hate) and has put a sizable amount of thought towards him and his characterization, that never really crossed my mind when i considered why that line was put in despite past instances of lonnie initiating violence towards others (i mentioned johnny vomit, but there’s also him poisoning Bates, him shocking Pantalone in Robin 1993 Annual, him electrocuting a man to near-death in Green Arrow, etc. i ignore everything penned by tim seeley, because red hood vs anarky and robins was a messy mistake of a character assassination TO ME) it’s a really interesting thought and im glad you brought it up! that particular motivation seems like it could track for him really well and is something that can be found in actual anarchist schools of thought, so i definitely don’t disagree! most of those people were participating in the systems he targets, though i do think he does tend to get too into what he does sometimes and isnt always the best at being an anarchist. side effect of being an angry bleeding heart kid, but his heart IS in the right place.

i’ll be honest with you though - after my first couple reads of the 1999 solo and the 1997/8 miniseries, i tend to skim when i reread. it left a sour taste in my mouth because it’s when alan grant went full Randian Neo-Tech and decided to pivot lonnie in that direction, and the ways in which the character changes from a smart and cocky yet theatrical and emotion-driven little punk with ancom-adjacent views into an “I Read Atlas Shrugged Once” Rational faux-Intellectual make me a bit sad, so i think i have the habit of sweeping everything that i havent picked out for my analysis of the character aside (i’m especially interested in just how damn lonely and self-isolated he is… PLEASE get some friends!). i do acknowledge this is probably a result of him growing up, but i wish his views would’ve strengthened instead of getting… weird. what I do find noteworthy about this is that some of my favorite parts of him aren’t completely changed. he’s still very expressive and emotive and full of compassion for people, has a dry wit, and his moral compass remains pretty intact. he’s still a bit of a weirdo teenager. with everything that grant DID try to do with him however, i always chalked up inconsistencies to his constant upping of the ante (in part to editorial mandates, so the bizarre stuff isn’t entirely his fault. to a point he was doing his best with what was given him, but.) and the fact that grant himself stated that lonnies “evolving philosophy” was reflective of his own. lmao

sorry if this makes no sense and devolved into a rant or something, im out right now and got really eager when i saw this so i was like i have GOT to say something ASAP. here, have a him as thanks for reading ⬇️

[krabstick32]

Corduroy Dreams

Pairing: Giyuu & Reader Synopsis: There was no mishap, no death, no tragic accident to speak of. They were only two people, who felt lonely even when they had each other.

Tags/warnings: angst. relationship problems.

A/N: something short and angsty that I wrote instead of doing homework UwU. Online classes are killing me, so as a coping mechanism, I did the fun thing and churned this out in an hour or so (so apologies for any mistakes/inconsistencies _:(´□`」 ∠):_ )!!! And yes, the title is from the song Corduroy Dreams by Rex Orange County. (try listening to it while reading, and try to listen to the lyrics. You’ll understand why i named this corduroy dreams)

I hope you enjoy!! or not since, you know, this is my try on angst after all... but i hope u still enjoy uwu

For the first time in a while, Giyuu feels your hand—warm, soft, and familiar—reach out to tug at his jacket. You pull him aside to a quiet area in the park and lead him to take a seat. Besides the two of you, there was no one else, save for the occasional passerby who was barely even close enough to hear the conversation you were about to start.

“You’re no longer happy.” It wasn’t a question - there was nothing questionable about something that was so painfully obvious.

Not with you, he wants to say. He wants to salvage what he can, but he could see it. He could see how your eyes didn’t light up the way it used to and he’s aware that this relationship was failing. There was nothing else he could do.

“I am.” But not with you, he itched to add. He was unhappy that your happiness no longer included him, but he couldn’t say what he wanted, not when you were looking at him like this. “And so are you.”

Maybe this was it. No, this was it. There was no coming back from this conversation, and that’s why he never started it. He was too much of a coward to instigate it, and perhaps the only regret he had when it came to this relationship was that he pushed that responsibility onto you.

“Yeah.”

He was aware that this relationship has been failing—both of you tried to save it after all. There wasn’t an exact moment where he could pinpoint when it started. All he knew was that despite making plans and meet-ups, you two started seeing each other less and less, until it left you both on this date, unhappy and feeling heavy with what was about to come.

“I’m sorry.”

There didn’t need to be any more questions. Giyuu knew you were faithful, and you knew he never strayed. It was just a matter of letting go and accepting that this was going nowhere.

“I know. I’m sorry too.” You turn from your seat on the bench and Giyuu has never felt so far away from you, even though there was only a foot of distance in between. 

He still loved you. He still loved you so, so much. But when you were no longer happy with him, he wouldn’t be able to bear the thought that you no longer wanted to be in this relationship. So, if his only regret when it came to you was that you were the one who started this, he’ll lessen your burden and be the one to end it. “I… I guess this is it?”

“I guess this is it.” Your hands turn white from how hard you’ve been clenching them into fists, and he could see them trembling slightly. Any other day and he would’ve taken them in his own—you always liked it when he held them. Right now, he kept his hands to himself.

“We’re breaking…”  His throat closes at the word breaking, because he could feel his own heart already breaking. But he clears his throat and pushes on, because you deserve a clean break. You deserve to have a clear stand between all of this. “We’re breaking up, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” You answer, and look at him when the silence starts to feel unbearable.

“I’m sorry Giyuu.”

“I’m sorry too, (y/n)”

You stand, and turn to look at him. He gives you a small smile—he knows you could see through it. Instead of addressing the heavy atmosphere, you smile at him, and he realizes that this would be the last time you’d smile for him.

“Thank you, Giyuu. I really loved you.”

Loved. Past tense.

“...Yeah. Thanks for the past few years too. I hope you find someone who’ll make you happy.”

You bend down a little and pull him into a hug. He’ll miss this, he’ll miss you, but letting you go was the right thing to do. Your happiness is what he wishes for the most in the world, and if that was no longer with him, then he hopes you find it with yourself or someone else.

The hug ends entirely too soon for Giyuu’s taste, and you give him another small smile before you turn on your heels to hide the tears clouding your eyes. Even if this relationship no longer brought you the joy it did the first few years, leaving him still hurt because you still cared for him even if you didn’t necessarily love him anymore. Breaking things off when you no longer had feelings for him was the kindest thing you could do - he deserved that much.

From the bottom of your heart, you apologized that you couldn’t give your all to him, and wished that someone else would, in your place.

“I’ll see you around, yeah?”

Giyuu nods, but then speaks when he realizes you can’t see him with your back turned. “See you.”

Your shoes clack against the pavement and it sounds like it’s echoing through the park as you leave him be.

He watches your back, and he watches as you get on the cab. He beats down the feeling of wanting to chase after you, but this was already hard enough. So he stays put on the park bench that he’ll hate for the rest of his life, and buries his head in his hands.

For the first time in a while, Giyuu cries.

a/n: I mostly do Giyuu fluff but I procrastinated real bad and made this mess instead but aaaa, this is my first angst fic so I hope I did good? I’ve also never been in a relationship, let alone a break-up before so this has been me, winging it the entire time lmao

i’m currently working on a request, but im still trying to think up of a good premise for it, so its going a little slow. But to the anon who requested it, dw bb!! i am working on it, it just might take a while

anywayzz, i hope i made u sad. u can come yell at me in my ask box if you need any tissues (or if you have any requests uwu)