#my roommate was saying she is going with her gf’s family to see the musical & i mentioned the book to her

[mildmayfoxe]

the awful thing about seeing all this shit about the wicked movie is its dredging up every single lyric i ever memorized in middle school. like i should not be walking around my house with defying gravity stuck in my head im 33

[02sjy]

Lack Of Love ❥ 13: hate at first sight

park sunghoon x fem!reader [ she/her]

❥ synopsis- you and isa are roommates in college who live next to park sunghoon and his friends who are always throwing parties and are loud no matter the day or time, and because of that you and sunghoon both have had a hatred for each other, but what happens when you have to fake date sunghoon for a project.

❥ genre- social media au, fluff ??, enemies to lovers, college au, angst ?? fake dating

❥ taglist [ open ]- @enhacolor @yunki4evr @diestheticu @abdiitcryy @hobistigma @rrinsluvr @hereforsunrise @soobins-gf @cyuuupid @thisisnotjacinta

❥ word count- 677

a few moments after you had sent the text to ningning, jay had texted you that he was outside waiting for you. so you ran to his car and got in.

“hey. how are you ?” jay said and looked at you with a warm smile.

“im fine” you smiled and he started driving towards the beach. the drive to the beach was short, maybe 3 minutes away from your apartment to the beach. the whole drive there was silent with nothing but music playing from the speakers.

after the both of you had gotten to the beach and gotten out you guys decided to walk to a nearby ice cream shop and buy some ice cream before walking around the beach. he had talked to you about his family and his life in seattle before moving to Korea at a young age. you also had told him some stuff about yourself. everything seemed to be going well until you heard a familiar voice shout at you

“ y/n !!” you heard a voice shout from behind you and you quickly turned around to see no other than park sunghoon going running to you.

“oh.. you’re here with jay…” sunghoon said and you noticed that he glared at jay. you looked at both of them and noticed that jay was already irritated by him. why though ?? they’re pretty good friends so what could have caused them to suddenly act like this towards each other

“yea. we just came by for a walk. what about you ? it’s late why are you here by yourself ?” you asked him and you felt that jay was no longer right next to you. you let out a soft sigh and sat down on a nearby bench. sunghoon had sat next to you and didn’t say anything.

“what’s going on between you and jay ??” you asked him but he let out a sigh

“y/n don’t worry about it. we just had an argument and he’s being all dramatic about it.” he responded to you but you knew he was lying. you had heard about all the arguments they had and how they always made up but something about this feels weird

“sunghoon i know you’re lying. just tell me.” you said and replied to him hoping he would actually tell you what happened between the both of them

“god y/n just stay out of my business. why do you always gotta be involved. if you really want to know why don’t you ask your boyfriend jay ??? just leave me alone for gods sake. you’re so annoying” he scoffed and raised his voice a bit then got up and left you sitting on the bench.

you sighed and felt yourself staring to tear up. the cold wind hit your face and you started feeling calm. the sounds of the waves splashing against each other. as you watch the sunset you lose yourself in thoughts about sunghoon. why did it have to be him of all people to be paired up with. you guys couldn’t even go an hour without arguing with each other. you try to be as patient as you can with him but when he can’t be patient you can’t either. you had wondered why sunghoon hasn’t just quit the project already. maybe it was hate at first sight

jay had texted you a few minutes later telling you that he’s about to leave, so you went over to the car and got in. he didn’t speak to you the whole drive to your place. once he dropped you off he just said goodnight and left. you didn’t know how to feel. he was usually a lot more talkative. maybe he was tired. you went to bed trying to get everything off your mind but in the end the last thing you thought of before you fell asleep was sunghoon, and so did sunghoon. the last thing he thought of before he fell a sleep was you, but non of you guys knew and would say anything to each other about it.

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❥ pairing- park sunghoon x fem!reader , fratboy!parksunghoon x fem!reader

❥warning- swearing/cursing, sarcastic jokes about death/murder, kms/kys jokes

❥ header credits- @seungstarss

[davidpastrsnack]

buckle up besties, roommate anon is about to make you literally cry with this recap

(1) ok so. tyler’s family were scary but they ended up being so nice. when we first got there his brother asked me how much tyler paid me to be there 💀 tyler nudged him and said knock it off. then his brother said “well tyler, glad youre finally bringing a girl home” and his mom had come in just then. and scolded ty’s brother lol. his sister just said hi from the couch and ty went up to her and whispered something. and then they did a handshake which was so cute 🥺 i asked ty’s mom if she needed help with dinner. she took me up on that. it was nice talking to her. she was really sweet. we talked and even got to joking around. so thats good. ty’s dad came home in the meantime and said hi. he talked to me a bit too. ty’s sister was still a bit standoff-ish at dinner. she wasnt mean. just didnt really interact with me. she was the hardest to win over. but she did compliment my outfit. i appreciated that i changed three times she mentioned she needed new clothes for when school starts. i told her if she needed a shopping buddy to let me know. and she was like “really? can we go tomorrow?” and i looked at ty bc i had no clue what he had planned. and he sighed and was like “well i had plans to show her around tomorrow” and i gave him a look and he goes “but i guess we can do that after you guys get back” so next day i woke up before ty and got ready. then just sat there until he was up bc i was too scared to go downstairs alone lol. when we did go it was just his parents awake. his mom had me sit with them while ty made coffees lol. his mom told me they enjoyed having me here. and that tyler hasnt brought a girl over since his hs gf. who wasnt allowed to spend the night lol. and she told me he seemed really happy and…in l-word with me 🙈🙈🙈 oh and she said to not pay too much attention to his sister’s behavior bc she’s just jealous she’s not getting all of ty’s attention lmao. then later i took his sister shopping. we found a pair of earrings we both thought were cute so i bought myself and her a pair. she was really thankful and sweet. we ended up talking and she warmed up to me. especially when i said “you know youre just as amazing as tyler says” and she was like “what?” and i said “he talks about you all the time. i was really excited to meet you because he always says youre his best friend” i think she started to like me more after that. idk i tried to show her that im not stealing her brother from her lol. oh and me and her talked about boys and she mentioned this one guy. i was like oh is he cute and she blushed. i go omg do you have a crush on him. she was so red and told me i couldnt tell ty lol. when we got back though, ty’s brother had friends over. they were asking his sister who her friend was. she rolled her eyes lol. so sassy. then they were introducing themselves to me and ty’s brother was like “she’s not interested. she’s in college and is my brother’s girlfriend” i had to hold myself back from laughing that im in college came first and then ty’s gf. but in their introductions i learned that the boy ty’s sister has a crush on is her brother’s friend 🙈 oh girl. i gave her a look. she ran upstairs to put her stuff away lol.

(2) oh and during all this ty was at the store bc his mom sent him to run errands lol. so i chilled with her. helped her get some stuff ready since we were doing a cookout for dinner that night. ty finally came back. his mom shooed us out of the kitchen and told us to go have fun and then when we were putting on our shoes to go she yells “not too much fun though” 🙈 ty’s brother and his friends were snickering. high schoolers smh 🙈 so ty drove us and showed me around. it was fun. it was cute hearing his stories and memories and seeing how excited he got at some things. tbh i think i was giving him heart eyes more than i was looking around 🙈🙈 idk if i can explain it. just seeing him in his element. and a whole new level of relaxed and at home and domestic. idk. maybe youll get it 🙈 he also asked me how shopping with his sister went. so i told him about that minus her crush i aint a snitch. and i told him about his brothers comment lol. he goes “he’s so ridiculous he literally told his friend there was gonna be a college girl at his house. and he told me that you were too hot for me” that one made me giggle. ty said he smacked his brother for that one lol. i said “well i think you’re too hot for me. i mean look at you” he said “what the fuck are you talking about. i’m the luckiest guy in the world for managing to snag you” which 🥺🥺🥺 he was driving so i leaned over and kissed his cheek. bc it was so cute. and kate🙈🙈🙈 bestie 🙈🙈🙈 im only telling you this (and my other anon friends) bc i trust you guys. i havent told anyone else 🙈 but… i was really close to saying the three words to him 🙈🙈 really really close. but i got scared 🙈 it feels too soon. or that maybe its just in my head bc of what his mom said. idk.

(3) i maybe repeated some of this bc i forgot where i left off. we drove around some more. parked and walked around at a few stops. i maybe asked him about his hs gf 🙈 he said they werent really compatible and she was nice but they were better as friends and dated more bc of the pressure of dating. he was very open and honest about it though and that just made me more 🥺 we went to a park with a really nice overlook. then you have to walk through a forest and theres another more secluded one. we were going to kiss but i said “did you take all the girls here” and he said “no, i actually only ever came here alone. youre the only one” and i gave him a 🥺 look. he was a little pink. and i really really wanted to say it again 🙈 but i just kissed him instead. and then we made out 🙈🙈 for a decent amount of time actually. it felt like we were the ones in hs lol. then we were gonna go back. but our lips were a little swollen and red 🙈 so we went to get ice cream instead. then we went back to ty’s. his brother made a comment about us being gone for a while and was smirking. ty flicked him😭 oh and omg kate this was so cute 🥺 so they have these really cute lights in their backyard. his mom is super trendy lol. and they had music playing the whole time. eventually everyone went inside. they refused to let me help bc i had helped enough. i told ty i wanted to sit outside some more. it was so cute out there. the music was playing softly and i was cuddled up with ty and wearing his sweatshirt. it was a good vibe and i wanted to enjoy it.

(4) so we were sitting there quietly. he was just rubbing my shoulder with his thumb since his arm was around my shoulders. and then omg kate 🙈 this is so cheesy 🙈 thinking out loud by ed sheeran came on. ty got up and held his hand out. and asked “dance with me?” i had the biggest grin on my face and nodded. so we danced in his backyard 🙈 just like swayed back and forth nothing fancy. he was spinning me around and i was laughing. eventually we weren’t even dancing just laughing and swaying and trying to get each other to spin 🙈🙈🙈 until he finally pulled me in and we swayed again. i really almost said it again 🙈 but then he leaned down and kissed me. it was soft and sweet. we didnt stay out too long after that. but then we got ready for bed and stuff and he ran downstairs bc his brother used his phone charger and left it downstairs. and when he came back up he was so red. and i was like “are you good? did you just run a marathon or something?” and he flopped down on the bed next to me and groaned. he goes “my whole family saw that” and i said “saw what” and he goes “us dancing and the kiss. i just got hardcore roasted” and then i was like “oh” and he goes “my mom and sister think were adorable. my dad said i need to learn how to dance” which made me laugh. and then he goes “my brother told me my kissing game was weak and my mom glared at him and said it was respectful, which is how you should treat girls.” i hid my face in his chest and said ty this is so embarrassing. he said “your fault for laughing so hard it got their attention” but he said it jokingly lol. i said “maybe take your dads advice and learn to dance so i dont have to laugh” which made him laugh and squeeze my side. that made me squeal and i go oh no that was so loud. tyler was cracking up. but then he got serious and told me he was glad i was getting along with his family 🥺 he told me i fit with them well and that hes glad i was able to bond with his siblings, especially his sister 🥺🥺🥺

(4? 5? fuck i forgot again) and then today i woke up first before anyone else. so i threw on tyler’s sweatshirt and went and sat outside again. just enjoyed the morning. ty’s mom came out and asked me how i slept and all that. then told me she saw us two dancing last night. and she told me her son was clearly in l-word with me and then she smirked over her coffee mug and said “i think the feelings mutual” and took a sip of her drink. SHES SUCH A SAVAGE 🙈🙈🙈 i took a sip of my coffee just so i didnt have to respond and i could feel my whole face was on fire. but then she goes “you two are really sweet and im glad you make him so happy” and i said “he makes me happy too. you raised a great guy” and she smiled at me. then she told me stories about her and her husband meeting and stuff. and also about raising tyler. then his dad came out and brought breakfast. he also added in some stories. oh and his mom asked for my number and she sent me a few pictures she took of me and ty when we were sitting outside and when we were dancing 🙈🙈 idk how neither of us noticed them watching us through the window. but the pictures were cute. ty and his brother came downstairs and also ate with us. then ty and i went on a walk around their neighborhood which was nice and peaceful. when we got back we chilled with his family some more. his sister was awake too and asked me to help her with makeup. so we went to her room. and she was like “you and my brother are cute” 🥺 and she goes “that kiss was like a movie kiss” and i blushed 🙈 she told me how she hasnt had her first kiss and asked me about mine and stuff. it was kinda cute that she trusted me to like ask questions and be open. she was more open about her crush too and told me how he talked to her yesterday and gushed about how cute he was. i just let her go with it lol. and then she told me it was nice having a girl to talk to like a sister bc she cant talk to her brothers about that stuff 🥺🥺 so i told her if she ever wanted to talk she could reach out to me. so now she follows me on insta and has my number lol. then we sat with the fam again and had lunch and then it was time for ty and i to leave. everyone in his family gave me a hug 🥺 and they told me i should visit again 🥺 so it started off really scary but his family dynamic is so cute and they were all nice.

[gremlin-named-kas]

Do them all. Do it do it

Oh fuck me

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

Absolutely (it's my gf)

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

Fuck no

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

Yeap

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

Damn right it is.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

Sadly no

6. What are you excited for?

Eventually moving in with my gf.

7. What happened tonight?

Lol nothing. Came from work. Been watching futurama and random scary shit on youtube. Gonna smoke soon.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

I wouldn't say disgusting. Everyone deserves to get wasted every now and then.

9. Is confidence cute?

Yes but over confidence is gross

10. What is the last beverage you had?

Arizona Green Tea

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

Not including parents, 1.

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

All my jeans are skinny jeans.

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

Either be at work, play some video games, or get stoned and watch a horror movie

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

Idk prob food or gas.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

Why yes. Yes I am.

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

Clothes? Absolutely. As a person hopefully for the better.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

My girlfriend @septempermental

18. The last time you felt broken?

Truly broken? Several years ago.

19. Have you had sex today?

Nope.

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

Uh no?

21. Are you in a good mood?

Currently yes.

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

Have before. On purpose and on accident.

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

Honestly that's a good question that I don't know. But I don't think so. I think my eye color is unique to my family.

24. What do you want right this second?

I wanna get through all these fucking questions

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

I'd be upset prob.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

Yes and no. Still got some pink in my hair but covid hair has really tried to grow out the pink.

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

Fuck no.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

I think today at work. Ill be honest. I got shit memory so I don't fucking know what it was.

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

Oh absolutely. My gf and I are long distance. Miss the fuck out of her.

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

Everybody? No. It always depends on what someone did.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

Nah, he just got a little too drunk on our first date for me to continue it.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

Absolutely she does. Love ya babe

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

Nah had a coke the other day.

34. Listening to?

Easier to just link my playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KWmFBITDwnkXfc8pTEOh8?si=ocglWqFHQKG7FfD-uvlqhA

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1Dh5vWshjAqCEwNXzLyBTg?si=gjsUnjBGSembQLJMVZ_O-g

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

Prob haven't since college.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

Prob in her bed or in her living room.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes.

38. Who did you last call?

My gf.

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

My gf. But not for long (I was being an idiot)

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

Because I love her.

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

Good fucking question.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

Nah one live across the country from me. The other has covid.

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

Oh absolutely

44. Do you tan in the nude?

I don't go out of my way to tan. Don't wanna get my tats faded

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

Nope.

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Not last night.

47. Who was the last person to call you?

A robocaller/spam call

48. Do you sing in the shower?

Nah got roommates.

49. Do you dance in the car?

Dance? No. Belt out singing? YES

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

Yes. Used to go to ren fest all the time.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

A buddy took a portrait of me while we were urban exploring.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

Nah I love them.

53. Is Christmas stressful?

Can be depending on your situation.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

Nope.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

The one my gf makes. It's an apple pie.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

Pokemon Master, pro skateboarder, pro gamer

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

Absolutely.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

All the time.

59. Take a vitamin daily?

Yeap

60. Wear slippers?

Nope

61. Wear a bath robe?

Nope

62. What do you wear to bed?

Underwear

63. First concert?

Rob Thomas. (Not by choice. First by choice was Foo Fighters)

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

Target

65. Nike or Adidas?

Vans.

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

Hot Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Neither. Can't eat nuts or seeds.

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

Haven't really listen to Tswift enough to have a fav song. Have seen her live tho. She's really good live.

69. Ever take dance lessons?

Never.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

What ever makes them happy.

71. Can you curl your tongue?

Yep.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

Nah too dumb

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

Nope.

74. What is your favorite book?

Perks of Being a wallflower

75. Do you study better with or without music?

With. But can't have lyrics. Lofi and orchestra soundtracks from movies.

76. Regularly burn incense?

Haven't in a while. But used to.

77. Ever been in love?

Currently am.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

TSSF, NoFx, MGK, Green Day, Rage against the machine, too many more to count.

79. What was the last concert you saw?

Colorado Punk band In the Whale. They are fucking fantastic. Highly recommend them.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

Cold

81. Tea or coffee?

Coffee

82. Favorite type of cookie?

Sugar.

83. Can you swim well?

Absolutely. Surf every now and then too.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

Yep

85. Are you patient?

I hope so.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

Band

87. Ever won a contest?

Nothing major.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

Nope

89. Which are better black or green olives?

I don't like olives

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

Uh who gives a shit. You do you.

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Living room? Where else would you have one?

92. Do you want to get married?

Yes.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #325

tired of seeing me in the survey tag yet? lmao me too

Would you date someone who’s shorter than you? I have absolutely never understood why there would be any correlation between someone's height and whether or not you would date the person because of it. What, do you think the person has any control over that? So basically, yes, I would, without a second thought. Have you ever fallen in love on the Internet? "Fallen in love," no. I had to meet Sara first to see how we meshed in the same environment. Have you ever had a crush on your best friend’s sweetie? Yes, hence the Joel mess. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend? No. Good luck getting me to date someone like that. Can guys be sluts? Who the fuck cares so long as the person is safe and open with their partner. Ever had a crush on your best girlfriend? Twice now, haha. Would you ever kiss someone who’s taken? No, I'm not that kind of person. Do you mind being the third wheel? I don't care, really, so long as my friend doesn't totally ignore me. I very much enjoy seeing people in love. Has a kiss ever made you weak in the knees? Yes. Have you ever been in a love triangle? No, and I absolutely would not if I was aware. You pick me or you leave me alone. Do you feel comfortable buying condoms? I've never had to, but I'd probably feel a hint of awkwardness. Have you ever run into your ex with his/her new partner? No, and the only case where that would be a problem would be with Jason. I know in my heart I would feel at least some hatred towards her. Have you ever felt guilty after doing something sexual? Yep, when I was first actually getting truly sexual and felt like I was betraying my "abstinence." Would you stay friends with your sweetie’s friends if you broke up? I'm still friends with Jacob, mine and Jason's former roommate and his then-close friend. So yeah. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I hope more than words can explicate that I have a stable job that I love, my driver's license, and my own place with a long-term partner, since I think living alone would be very detrimental to me. I also hope I have much better control over my social anxiety. Oh, and can I PLEASE be fit again? What was the last thing you bought for less than a dollar? No idea. Who was the last person in your bed? My niece Aria was sitting on it with me. I miss Misty's kids. Do you have a nice phone? Not particularly, but it does the job. Is Marilyn Manson creepy or cool? I find him creepy in a cool way, haha. Well, at least aesthetically. With his recent sexual assault (or abuse? idr) allegations however, I don't know how I feel about him because I don't know the facts. I really should actually read up about it. Regardless, I love his music; he's one of my favorite musical artists. Do you like talking to strangers? Depends on my mood and the person. Do you have OCD? Yes. Are you clumsy or graceful? I'm clumsy as all getout. Have you ever ran into a door because you didn’t know it was closed? Haha, no. Have you ever woke up and didn’t know where you were? After my cyst removal surgery, I was confused for a moment or so. Do you own a Wii? Yep. Do you like to talk about yourself? Depends on with whom, the subject, and my mood. Has anyone ever called you conceited? No; I'm very much on the other end of the spectrum. Tattoos or piercings? I love both, but tats win. Have you ever had ants ruin your picnic? I’ve never had a picnic. At least that I remember. What’s the last gross movie/show/video you saw? Recently, I watched The Dark Den dissect his recently-deceased tarantula to figure out why she died. It was serious impaction, and it was disgusting. Would you rather live in a huuuge house or a little cozy one? A lil cozy one! Not TOO small, though. I'd feel claustrophobic. Have you ever blow dried something other then your hair? Maybe? What is your favorite piece of equipment at gyms? Treadmills. Do you have a tutor for anything? No. Does your sibling(s) have braces? My older sister did for a little while. Did you tell your last girlfriend/boyfriend that you love them? Yes. What was the last thing your parents got mad at you for? Apparently I somehow forgot to wipe crumbs off the kitchen counter. Have you ever had a bathing suit fall off of you while swimming? Not a suit, no, but when I wore bikinis and I jumped into the pool, it's happened before where my top would go up. I'd obviously fix it super quick. Do your pets have favorites? I'm absolutely Roman's favorite, but he loves Mom, too. I'm the only one who interacts with Venus. What’s the longest you’ve ever liked someone without telling them? A very long time. I had a big crush on Girt my freshman year, and some time after Jason, my crush for him came back, but he didn't ask me out until years later. Turns out we'd been friends just too long and the relationship felt too weird for me, so I broke up with him after I think... four months or so? We're still great friends. That's my bro. Did you prank anyone on April Fool’s Day? I never do anymore. I don't like pranks. What’s the sweetest thing a gf/bf can do to get you to forgive them? Changed behavior. Do you dislike when surveys ask to describe your underwear? Well, I'm almost always in my pajamas, sooo I generally don't even have any at that moment. Did you check to see how much fat/calories was in the last thing you ate? No. If the last person you kissed gave you roses, what would you do? Blush and thank her. Anything happened lately that you never expected to? "Never?" No. Are you the person you thought you’d be when you were younger? I'm a massive disappointment and embarrassment to that little girl. Are you a confrontational person, or the peacekeeper? I am absolutely a peacekeeper. I avoid confrontation like the plague. The last time you did something with BOTH of your parents was? They've been divorced since I was I think 17 and I am now 25, so... Do you like pumpkin pie? Absolutely not. Do you believe in any conspiracies? I am 100% sold on that the government had some involvement in 9/11. Look into the evidence - there is an overwhelming amount. There are others that I consider as possible, but no others do I absolutely believe. I'm around 50/50 on the simulation theory. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Have you ever changed yourself to impress someone? Who? Nah. Who was the last person you gave up on? Why did you give up on them? Colleen. We simply butted heads way too much, and she just had this volatile meanness towards others I couldn't watch anymore. What was the last thing you printed? Is there even ink in your printer? Probably a paper for when I was in school. I don't know if our printer does. Have you ever gotten your nails done? Or do you get them done regularly? Yeah, with Colleen and then another time with my sisters. It was really just to hang with them, though. It's not something I'm interested in. Have you been outside yet today? What were you doing? Nope. When was the last time you got a new bed? Is your bed comfy? Not since I was an older teen did I get Mom's bed, but it wasn't new. This was actually her parents' bed, too. Well I mean, the mattress obviously isn't that old, but the bed itself is pretty ancient. It's comfy enough. Do you remember the first time you ever drove a car? Who were you with? Yes: on the dead-end road that led to our old house. I was with Mom obviously and probably my sister, since I think I did it on the way home from school. Do any of your friends drink excess amounts of alcohol? Do you? Not to my knowledge. I definitely don't. Have you ever been in handcuffs? Why, exactly? Yes, because it's mandatory when being transported to a mental hospital. What’s your favorite thing to do when drunk? Would you do this sober? Never been drunk before. When was the last time you bled? What happened? Well it's my time of the month, so. Are you a fan of dogs? Do you have any pets? I love dogs, but don't currently have one as a pet. Mom's looking intently. How often do you bathe? I'm going to be completely transparent and say not as much as I should. Doing my hair is fine, but moving all around, bending and propping my legs up exhausts my legs so much that I avoid showers as long as I can take it or until I have to go somewhere. I want strength back in my body. So. Badly. Do you have any tattoos? What, where and why? I have six that I'm not all explaining, but locations: right upper arm, right inner wrist, left inner forearm, left upper arm, right collarbone, left breast. What do you wear to bed at home? Pajama pants and a tank top. What do you wear to bed when you're somewhere else? Pj pants, tank top, and usually a bra, depending on where I'm at and with who. Do you have any phobias? What? Why do you think you have this/them? I have a lot, but I'll discuss my strangest/strongest: pregnancy, maggots, parasites, and whale sharks. Pregnancy would be because a fetus is technically parasitic, and, to cover that topic, I'm just generally terrified of anything living in MY body. I also find it absolutely disgusting to see a baby move from the outside. I will actually scream if I see this, and that is not an exaggeration. I'm afraid of maggots (larva in general, really) because I think they're just disgusting, and I once brought something in from outside and put it in my dresser (idr why), and one day I opened it and reached in for something just to find lots of little larva squirming around. That's when it started. Now, whale sharks: it's literally because of World of Warcraft, hahaha. There's an underwater zone in the game where they roam as boss enemies, and their mouths look so weird and are actually a bit toothy. Irl, they just have mouths that are just way too big for my comfort. I know they're entirely harmless, but still. If you could ask God (to atheists - IF there was one) one question, what? "Why." Why so much evil, pain, and unfairness. Briefly describe your family. Kinda broken, but still loving and try to stay close. Big "ohana" mood: everyone's loyalty is endless. Where do you stand on the death penalty? For it in extreme cases. Where do you stand on wearing fur? Disgusting and horribly morbid unless for survival purposes in cold climates. Could you kill somebody? In self-defense, yes. What are your political beliefs (anarchy, communism, democracy etc.)? I just say I'm Independent. My beliefs stretch over so many titles; plus, I'm not very educated on all types and what they entail. What, if anything, WOULD you sacrifice your life for? To save those I love most. How would your ideal partner look? *shoves picture of Mark Fischbach in ur face* Would you ever have an affair? Nope. I'm telling you: pick me or leave me be. I'm not a side-chick. Would you ever have a one night stand? Also no. What one thing would you change in this world (free Tibet, abolish Sweden)? Honestly... probably abolish all militaries. I do not in the least support war, and it's just... sad to know countries stand ready to kill the moment they "need" to. Distrust seems to make the world go 'round. Sure, a country may try to rebuild them in secrecy, but that's a preeeetty big thing to succeed in keeping under wraps. "But what if a terrorist or something rises?" I'm quite sure we could handle that without an full-on army. Maybe I'm not well-informed on this topic, but I've just never supported military presence. I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR AS DAY, I have endless respect for veterans and aspiring soldiers, because I DO understand the mentality of wanting to protect your home, but yeah. I just wish it wasn't a thing. Would you ever choose a career or job where your life was at risk? Nope. Do you have any famous relatives? Ancestors, yes, and I have a distant cousin who wrote a fantastic book, if that counts. Are you a loyal member of any organizations? No. Desired weight: At MOST 140. :/ I'd like to be closer to 120, but I'll take 140. What are your opinions on marijuana legalization? Legalize it, but treat it similarly to alcohol, like prohibiting driving high, obviously. What do you think about tipping at restaurants? Tip a minimum, and THEN increase according to service quality. Are you addicted to anything? Soda. Would you ever get back together with any of your exes? Yes. Never mind what gender you ARE, what gender do you WANT to be? I'm a female and content with that. Do you ever feel ashamed revealing your age? Yes, considering how behind I am in just being an adult. What does your parents call you? Generally just "Britt." Mom occasionally still calls me "Twinkie." ;-; Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? Wow, no. Do you ever watch The Simpsons? No. What’s the last thing to make you scream? Truly scream, a mix of depression and anger. I screamed into my pillow. Do you play games with boys/girls, like ‘hard to get’? I'm an adult. I'm a tease in some romantic situations, but "hard to get" is definitely the wrong term.

[pastelbatfandoms]

Get to know My OC-Suzie Q

Get to know my character

Doing this for My OC Suzanna, of The Walking Dead. 

01. What does your character’s name mean? Did you pick it for the symbolism, or did you just like the way it sounded? I picked Suzanna (spelled with a z because I thought it looked cool) because I liked that Negan would call her Suzie Q. 

02. What is one of your character’s biggest insecurities? Are they able to hide it easily or can others easily exploit this weakness? Sex lbr,Sue isn’t above being seduced,or doing the seducing either. But only around Merle,Negan or The Governor,who can easily get her to do what they want and they know this. 

03. Something they like about themselves? Her Strength and resilience. 

04. What are their favorite traits about their lover? (one psychological and one physical)   I’ll start with her first boyfriend Merle Dixon,who she had been with since before the turn. 

Mentally: Would have to be Merle’s humor (crude or not),how he flirts (with her anyway),his cockiness,How protective he is and how unpredictable. 

Physically: I mean Merle may not be everyone’s cup of tea (or bottle of whisky) but with those baby blue eyes,that mischievous grin,those arms and that swagger,he sure is Sue’s. Oh did I forget to mention she has an older man kink? ;) 

Next would be Suzanna’s other lover,who she met in Woodbury,of course I mean Philip Blake aka The Governor.

 Mentally: Suzanna was attracted to his intelligence,his quiet confidence,leadership qualities and that mysterious aura he seemed to have around him. 

Physically: That smile,those eyes,his body isn’t half bad either,but it’s his charm and darkness that really attracts her. 

Now onto her current lover Negan,leader of The Saviors. How she met him is a tad more complicated...

Mentally: Suzie loves his confidence,humor,and leadership skills,as well as his growth as a person. To her Negan is almost like Merle and Philip rolled into one.

Physically: I mean Negan is hot,anyone can see that! Especially when he first showed up,those Daddy good looks coupled with that swagger and dangerous smirk. Yeah Suzie definitely fell for him,even when she tried not too.  

05. Are they sexually confident or more of the shy type? Definitely Confident. Though she didn’t have much experience until she met Merle.

06. Do they have any hobbies that their lover finds unusual, odd, or otherwise annoying? lol it’s the zombie apocalypse,what hobbies? Sue’s men are pretty open to whatever she likes,especially Negan since she met him after the turn where pretty much anything goes. 

07. Is there a catchphrase or sound that they tend to make a lot (likely without being aware of it)? No though she tends to steal some of Negan’s phrases like ‘Easy Peasy’ 

08. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it?  Um the fact that she has no self control lol maybe because of the fact that she grew up in a religious household. Her weakness for the bad boys,or worse. 

09. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday? NOT Summer or Winter since they’ve almost died during both. Maybe Autumn or Spring. Holiday,what’s that? They don’t even know what YEAR it is now let alone day. 

10. Is your character more feminine or masculine? A mixture of both.

11. What is something that would make your character fly into a rage? Well her bloodlust kinda kicked in after being with Negan,besides that probably being pushed by one of Negan’s Wives and having her loyalty questioned. 

12. Is there some particular talent, skill, or attribute that they simply could not give up? Her Survival instincts & fighting skills,give those up and she might as well be Walker food.

13. What are your character’s sleeping habits? Heavy or light sleeper? Blanket stealer? One that always rolls onto the floor? Pushes their lover onto the floor? Sleep talker or walker? She’s a light sleeper anymore and has a hard time sleeping on her own. 

14. Do they live alone or with family? How do they feel about their family/roommates? Suzie was adopted by Hershal as a young Teen,after the zombie apocalypse happened she got separated from her family and traveled with The Dixon’s where they found a camp,she got separated after reuniting with her family,where she met Michonne,they traveled together until Woodbury where she found Merle again. After that whole thing with The Governor and Rick’s group,Sue went into hiding,until she found out she was pregnant and went to find Rick,Daryl and the rest. They traveled together and finally settled in Alexandria,until The Saviors came and after much bloodshed and fighting,Sue joined them,becoming Negan’s wife.

15. Is there a certain person in this world that they cannot stand? The very mention of this person’s name makes them tremble with anger or fear. Not really,though her and Philip did not end on good terms and she really cannot stand Simon. 

16. Is your character the athletic type or more of a couch potato? What are some sports/games that they like? lol Definitely more of The Athletic type now.  She was super girly when Merle first met her. 

17. Does your character have dreams of getting married and/or having children? Technically she is married to Negan and she has two children. 

18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode? She really doesn’t care as long as her family is with her.

19. Would your character be the kind to get into fights? (physical or verbal) Would they be a good fighter or cave in rather easily? She tended to avoid them as a Teen,letting her BFF take the lead,but now yeah she can be pretty hot headed and the only time she caves in is when it’s one of her men. 

20. Does your character like animals? What are some of their favorite animals? Would they want pets? What about mythological creatures? Dogs all the way.

21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear? Losing her children,like she lost her family and Merle.

22. What kind of tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, freckles, and other such unique physical features do they have? Other then her hair changing from Blonde to Brown constantly,no.

23. What is your character like when it comes to school? What subjects are they good/bad at? Do they get in trouble a lot or are well behaved? Sue didn’t really like school but her parents were strict so she had to maintain straight A’s.

24. In their own words, how would your character describe what their lover is like? Personality wise? Since she’s currently with Negan,I’ll just describe him. I’d say to the outside world he’s Smart,A leader,Dangerous,unpredictable,cocky and self assured. To Suzie (and later on when he loses everything) he still is all those things,especially when they first meet,but he’s more open with her,serious and has his morals,he won't hurt or kill children or those that he feels don’t deserve it and he doesn’t rape either,Negan also has deep rooted pain from losing his wife Lucille. 

25. Is there something traumatic from your character’s past that greatly affects them even to this day? I would say losing Merle,Her Father and a sister in Beth still effects her a bit, Also almost dying at the hands of her former lover (Who also killed her Father and Merle) 

26. What is their lover like sexually? How do they feel about their lover’s quirks, needs, etc? I made A-Z NSFW Headcanons for The Governor and Merle already,I might make one for Negan as well,but their are already really good ones of him out there! 

27. If your character was going to get arrested, what would be the most likely reason for it? Well there really isn’t any law anymore but before the turn it would probably be for doing something stupid with Merle like underage drinking.

28. If your character became a celebrity, what would they be famous for? lol idk maybe acting.

29. What is one of the most courageous things your character has ever done for a loved one? Almost sacrificed her life.

30. When it comes to the arts (music, film, theater, etc), what does your character like? Not much in the way of tv now,but before she liked watching Zombie and B Horror movies,also going out to parties,and listening to her sister Beth sing,watching Wrestling with Daryl and his GF,her BFF,Carol Lynn,dressing up to go out with Merle,she still likes Decorating,Negan’s pretty much let her decorate there room however she likes.

31. Would your character be the kind capable of killing? Would they enjoy killing or only use it when necessary or, perhaps, refuse to kill no matter what? Yes she has,mainly Zombies but she has killed people before out of necessity and protection. 

32. If your character’s lover offered to take them out on a dream date, what would they want to do?  As long as she’s with them she doesn’t really care. Her first date with Merle was at a restaurant/Bar,then they went dancing at a club and then back to his place...With The Governor it was sharing drinks out in the garden,though if he had a choice Philip would have taken her out to a nice restaurant. Suzie didn’t really have a conventional first date with Negan but they have their quiet nights alone,candle lit dinners,kinky sex ;) Negan also spoils her with presents every time they go out.

33. If your character wanted to be alone, where would they go? Her Room...lol seriously though,what alone time? Though sometimes her and the other wives hang out in Eugene’s room,playing video games and drinking if they need an escape.

34. Does your character have favorite foods? (breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, snacks, etc) Breakfast Foods mainly.

35. Is your character afraid of death? If they got to choose how to die, how would they want to go? Not much anymore,though she is afraid of leaving her kids behind.

36. Does your character have any medical conditions? Are they serious or minor? Do they affect their day to day life? No

37. What are some of your character’s pet peeves? What are some things that annoy them or disgust them? Being hit on,especially when she’s taken. Her men flirting with someone else.

38. What kind of weather does your character like? Cloudy skies, rainy days, sunshine, etc? As long as it’s not an extreme weather,she really doesn’t care.

39. When people look at your character, is there some assumption they might make about them just by appearance? Is that assumption correct? Well as Negan said when they first met “You are such a badass!” and he’s not wrong. Others may think she’s easily manipulated and maybe she is,at first.

40. Does your OC have any guilty pleasures they enjoy? Hobbies, past times, music, etc that they wouldn’t want known by others? Not really,she did try and hide her kinkier side with The Governor but Negan pretty much has done away with being ashamed of anything and told her they don’t need to hide that in The Sanctuary. 

41. Does your character’s family affect your character in any way? They used to.

42. Is there anything in your character’s past that they regret, haunts them, or they wish they could change? Sometimes she regrets meeting The Governor or siding with Negan over Alexandria but Suzie wouldn’t really change it.

43. Does your character have a switch that changes aspects of their personality whether they are around friends, family, etc. Is there someone who gets to see their true self? I think different people see different aspects of her personality and vice versa.

44. Is there a particular event that would emotionally devastate your character? Her Children or Negan dying.

45. Is your character the kind to hide their true emotions or do they wear their heart on their sleeve? A bit of both.

46. What is some random affectionate thing that your character always does to their lover? With Merle,Sue always sat on his lap if he was sitting on a chair or recliner. She does that with Negan too,with The Governor she always kissed his bad eye,if he was having a bad day,just to show him that she still loved him no matter what he looked like..

47. Is your character outgoing? Would they be the leader of the friend group, or the quiet one that gets dragged along? Sue used to be shyer but now she’s definitely more outgoing and a leader.

48. Is there anything in particular that would ignite your character’s jealousy? Or does your character not get envious? Again her men flirting with someone else,especially Merle. Negan favoriting another wife over her. 

49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood? She used to have nightmares about finding Merle as a Zombie or of The Governor killing her but they have since dissipated. 

50. If your character confessed love to their crush, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc, what would they say? With Merle it was after their first time and Merle said it first,he was super nervous about it and Sue had to reassure him that she loved him too.

With Philip it was to reassure him that she wasn’t going anywhere,after he lost his eye and turned dark. 

With Negan it was during a particularly rare moment of confindment after he told her about Lucille,he didn’t say it back until a few months later when he was absolutely sure,and when he knew she wouldn’t leave him.

[jawnjendes]

tell me that i’m not crazy | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

masterlist | series playlist

It's a psychological fact that you have multiple versions of yourself that you present at different times. You are not the same person in everyone's eyes.

Being self-aware and moderately narcissistic, I detected a few of those selves. Girlfriend Me: Still reserved, but letting loose. Affectionate and supportive. Less bitchy than normal. Adored by Shawn Mendes for some reason. Extended Family Me: Quiet and moody. She wants to be anywhere but here. Constantly pestered to bring someone home. Customer Service Me: Professional, but shy. Blunt and efficient. Always smiling even though she wants to die. Finally, Crazy Me: Nervous and insecure. Bursting at the seams. Wanting to talk but fears being ridiculed and rejected.

You could understand why I didn't want to tell Shawn about Luca being my coworker. He didn't ask if I still saw Luca at all, because I had told him I cut the bastard off… on a personal level. Professionally, I saw Luca 3 times a week. We work at the same car dealership. That's how we met.

It was less stressful having to see Luca at work now that I wasn't hung up on him. As long as he called me a bitch and ridiculed me constantly, I was okay. As long as I had Shawn to be kind to me, everything was fine.

It was easy for me to sit behind a desk at the window of a tiny office. I worked with three other people in this office: Stacy, the business manager who never stayed past 2 o'clock. Then there was Jason, the salesman who was always stoned. Finally, there was Luca, the other salesman who got up in everyone's business. He and Jason were very good friends outside of work, and they sat at their respective desks at the back of the office when they weren't out in the showroom entertaining customers. I was stationed at the front, being the receptionist. It was easy keeping my back to everyone else.

Being at a car dealership, I had quite a few boring responsibilities. They were all easy, and done quickly. so the only thing I had to worry about was answering the phone every so often. Most of the time, I was catching up on coursework and pretending not to listen to Jason and Luca banter.

“Imagine having a car in the twentieth century,” Jason sarcastically droned on.

“Couldn't be me,” Luca finished.

Yes, 90% of their conversations went like that. You could say my sense of humor warped a little because of them. I mean, I still find offensive jokes to be far from funny, and that was the other ten percent. I lose my one brain cell just by sitting in this office.

The phone rang just after Jason and Luca started talking about women in a vulgar manner. I quickly got annoyed by the amount of testosterone increasing in the room, so I was glad to have a distraction. I picked up the receiver and said the usual professional greeting in the cheeriest tone I could muster.

“So that's your happy voice, eh?”

Just like that, I unclenched and dropped the fake tone. “Hey, you.”

“No, no,” Shawn said, “go back to the other voice. I'm a loyal, paying customer here!”

I giggled. “Maybe later. What's up?”

“Wanted to see if you're hungry. I can pick you up on your lunch break.”

“Yes, please. I need to get out of here for a bit. I'll be ready in about an hour.”

“Perfect, I'll see you then.”

We hung up, and my cheeks were burning. I didn't realize I was beaming until I turned in my seat.

Luca and Jason had walked up next to me, clearly interested in what I had been doing. Luca had a shit eating grin on his face.

“Who was that?” he asked in the most ten-year-old sounding voice.

“Don't worry about it,” I snapped.

“Someone's got a boyfriend!”

“But bro,” Jason piped up, “she doesn't like anybody.”

I chuckled. “True. But my guy likes me, so…”

“Who is he?” Luca asked, sitting in the chair next to me. “Since when did you get a mans?”

I gave him a pointed look. “Why do you care?”

“You're just not the relationship type, y’know?” Jason answered.

“D’you loooove him?” Luca teased.

I scoffed. “Oh, now you wanna talk about my feelings? You never did before!”

Luca’s grin faltered. His face flushed.

“What does that mean?” Jason asked.

“Nothing. She's kidding.”

Oh yeah. No one ever knew about mine and Luca's office fling. It took me a while to realize it was because he was embarrassed of me. I know, what the hell was I thinking, getting involved with someone like that?

~

A typical Friday night for me consisted of skincare and watching whatever TV show I was intensely fixated on. Whether or not Shawn joined me, it was my personal recharging time. My life has gotten so mundanely stressful that I looked forward to sitting on my dorm room couch alone.

Tonight was different. Shawn was going to sing at a bar downtown, and I promised him I would go. I managed to string along my roommate, Stella, so I wouldn't be sitting at a table by myself. She was the one who brought me to Shawn's show long before he and I started dating. Stella now takes full responsibility for getting my introverted ass into a relationship.

Shawn had to get to the bar early to set up, so I showed up with Stella on my arm. We grabbed a table near the back window, away from where the band was setting up. As soon as we were sitting down, I texted Shawn to let him know I had arrived.

“So he's gotten you outta the dorm,” Stella commented, “yet you still manage to place yourself in the corner of the room.”

I shrugged. “As long as he knows I'm here.”

Stella hummed and then flagged down a waiter. She ordered a cocktail, and I stuck with water.

“Are you ever gonna let loose again?” she asked me once the waiter had gone.

“As long as I'm on antidepressants, I'm always loose,” I told her. I was very cautious about mixing alcohol with whatever pills I was putting into my body. I hadn't had a drink in months.

“Does your mans know you take antidepressants?”

“He will.” Maybe. Probably… not.

Shawn performed a few minutes later. He was insanely good at working the crowd. Then again, there were some enthusiastic fangirls standing directly in front of the stage that got everyone else into it. Can't say I blame ‘em.

I was what you call a “metal head” and also a “nerd.” I was also a “supportive goth gf,” meaning I always listened to Shawn's music when he wasn't around. I told him I lived for the slow, sad songs, especially Mercy. Secretly, I fully bopped to all of his fun, upbeat songs. Even more secretly, it brought me immense joy to see Shawn sing his heart out on stage. I was his biggest fan, though I would never tell him that. It would just go straight to his ego.

The song I loved hearing the most was Mercy. It was the first of Shawn's songs I had ever heard. It resonated with me deeply a few months ago, just after I had left Luca. I got very choked up hearing Shawn sing it in that little coffee shop. Later, when Stella introduced me, he said he had seen my face in the crowd. He knew it hit home.

We are very happy now, I swear.

I can say with confidence that the past is behind me. Now, Mercy is my favorite song because of Shawn, not the guy that came before him. I never realized how unhappy I was until I wasn't anymore. Therapy, medication, and new people made their contributions.

~

“You look so happy when you're up there,” I told Shawn once we were back at his place.

He had been beaming since we left the bar. A couple of drinks may have had something to do with that. “I am happy. I get so giddy every time I get to sing. I wish I could do it all the time.”

We sat on the couch, basking in the silence. Shawn slung his arm around me, euphoria still radiating off his whole body. I looked up at him, and I couldn't help but hug him around his middle. I felt a bit mushy.

“Proud'a you,” I told him.

Once I was in that position, Shawn took full advantage and lied us back across the couch. I was somewhat awkwardly on top of him, so I shifted my legs so I was practically straddling him. Then, I lied my head on his chest.

“Did you have fun? I saw you all the way in the back,” Shawn said.

“Yeah, I had fun. I love that you kept Mercy in the set.”

“I know it’s your favorite.”

There were things I wanted to know about that particular song when I first heard it. Of course, I didn’t want to seem nosy or interested when I first met Shawn. But now we were out in the open, and it was getting easier to do things like talk normally.

“Who hurt you so bad you had to write a song?” I asked as I sat up, still on top of him.

Shawn was smiling up at me, very aware of the position we were in. However, he still answered my question. “Actually… Mercy was about a friend of mine. He went through that.”

That was brand new information. No, seriously. I actually had to get off of Shawn’s lap to process this. “You write other people’s stories?”

He sat up and made space for me to sit next to him again. “Sometimes. This one in particular was about my friend having a complicated relationship with a girl he works with.”

I chuckled. “I know that feeling all too well.” Then, as a joke, “That guy wouldn’t happen to work at a car dealership, would he?”

“He does, actually.”

My entire body shifted away from Shawn. Okay, this was getting weird. I work at a car dealership. I had a complicated relationship with a coworker. Not to mention, Shawn was quite popular and knew people all over the area, and he was a regular at my dealership. My favorite song was slipping through my fingers.

Shawn didn’t seem too concerned. “It’s probably a coincidence, babe.”

“What’s his name, then?” I had told him quite a bit about my past relationship, apart from the guy’s name. I had so many questions.

“Luca…”

I stared at my boyfriend in utter shock, while he had a look of disbelief on his face.

“No. No way. I wrote Mercy over a year ago. Plus, he was high when he was telling me about-”

“He’s always high!” I snapped. “The only time he isn’t is when his pen runs out of whatever-the-fuck!”

I couldn’t believe it. My current boyfriend knows my ex… flame. My ex flame talked about me to my current boyfriend, before he was my boyfriend. The song that came out of it was my favorite song. If that wasn’t the most fucked up fanfic scenario ever-

Oh god. What if they had seen each other when Shawn picked me up from the dealership? What would have happened? What kind of shit would Luca had given me? What would Shawn have said to him?

“When exactly did this happen?” I asked, mildly frantic. “How long have you known him? How long have you known about me?”

“I didn’t know it was you,” Shawn said. “He always called you ‘the girl from work,’ and some other things that upset me now that you’re my girlfriend. I met Luca in one of my classes last year. Sometimes we smoked together, but I never considered him an actual friend.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “If I had known you then, and if I knew what was really going on, I wouldn’t have…”

Here I thought Luca was far too embarrassed of me to even act like I exist. I had been under the impression that he never thought of me when we weren’t in the backseat of my car. I thought all of his friends were just as bad as he was… but he knows Shawn well enough to confide in him? Or rather, Luca told Shawn I gave him such a hard time that he had to beg for mercy?

“I know you spent a lot of time being pissed at him,” Shawn told me after a while, “but he really did have feelings for you.”

I let the words sink in for a minute. “That… That is the fattest fucking load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.”

“Well, I never thought of Luca as that type of guy. He’s pretty reserved, but-”

“Still a grade A asshole. He was way different when it was me and him. Sometimes he was nice to me. Most times, he acted like I didn’t exist, and if he did, he called me a bitch or a whore or he made some rude comment about anything I was doing. He thought I was insane for trying to call him my boyfriend, but he would beg to get into my pants every few weeks. I was too emotional, too cringey, too goth, not sexy enough. I was never enough for him, so don’t tell me he ever had feelings because that’s not what I saw.”

Shawn had a sad look in his eyes. He nodded lightly.

“And worst of all, he ruined my favorite song by my favorite person.”

“I’ll write you a new one. A better one. You’ll never have to hear Mercy again.”

[irndad]

bucky fics

last updated on 11/29/19!

in the evening there is feeling - fluff. literally just bucky thinking about how he loves u while you’re cuddling in bed.

cuppa coffee- bucky finds himself wordless around the newest avenger who makes him coffee.

the ring- memory loss fic, fairly angsty but happy ending!

“i thought i lost you” kiss- bucky thinks you’re going to die on a mission. his relief speaks a lot.

best thing that ever happened to me- you ask out bucky, he says that he doesn’t see it that way. he does, though. (happy ending)

paint me in trust40s bucky!!! modern au!! art student au!! flirty bucky and eventual gf action ok its super cute. i love my boyfriend bucky barnes

the bit in between bucky comes home, enters your room where he knows you will be waiting for him, and you aren’t as enthusiastic as you usually are. (you were worried)

fascinating- bucky! isn’t in love! he just finds his best friend really fascinating and he maybe thinks about her lips sometimes whatever

intriguing- (kind of part 2) the reader notices a lot about bucky. and god, she’s in love with him.  if it isn’t clear, she lives with the avengers, and works with them. she helped bucky open up once he moves into the tower.

sorry- the reader has a habit of talking too much, getting too excited about things, and she tries to slow down. bucky figures this out and reassures, basically.

and the thunder- the reader is afraid of thunder and bucky helps.

kitchen accidents- bucky has ptsd, and recovery is slow going. he burns himself on the kitchen stove, and she reassures him.

crescent moon - the reader is holed up in her room, she’s not sleeping and she’s tired all the time, and she picks at her food. bucky just wants to help, even if she’s not to keen to let him see her weak.

the way i am -the reader is a staff member/family friend of tony’s at the compound, and bucky has a crush on her, and he hears her singing under her breath, and plucks up the courage to ask her out.

jealousy- bucky is in love with the reader, and she’s mad. he’s not sure why, though, but she’s pretty green.

nightmares- reader wakes up bc of a nightmare, bucky reassures her they’re not going to come true. rly feckin soft.

dog tags- soft saturday, bucky gives the reader his dog tags bc he’s thinkin about how he would’ve given em to her if they were in the 40′s

written in the stars- kiss under stars!

good together- bucky and his girlfriend are in secret, and they think they are asbolutely perfect for eachother. literally everyone else in the compound thinks bucky and nat are made for eachother.

love you- bucky is at the reader’s apartment. didn’t make this clear in the fic but the reader is a friend of the avengers and knows everything about the Winter Soldier. FIRST I LOVE YOU FIC

comin’ home-  you get hurt on a mission and u and bucky talk it out in medical. mostly cudding.

never- Bucky has a nightmare that you find a file of everything he’s done (you already know everything in the waking world) and tell him to get out, and that he’s a monster. when he wakes, she informs him otherwise.

saturdays- college au!bucky and roommate!bucky (oh my god they were roommates) and bucky is in love with the reader, and she’s oblivious. is he also oblivious?

pieces- bucky is crying and alone, and so scared you will leave him if you see how weak everything Hydra has done to him has made him. You do not see it that way. ABSURDLY sappy. 

unspoken- bucky and you are friends, and also not. he’s not really sure, in this, he asks. 

morning doubts- bucky is sitting in bed with his fiancee and thinking about how she might leave him from someone better. surprise surprise that doesn’t happen 

seasons - the story of you and bucky, told through the seasons.

dance with me tonight - this is based off of this ask, modern!bucky dancing to 40′s music.

affection- bucky is reflecting on his relationship to being touched, and how falling in love with the reader has affected it. also a review of their relationship. tooth-rotting fluff. 

what we deserve- bucky is in love with his roommate (they share a dorm) and he’s sitting with her. confessions happen. very insecure!reader. she’s sad a lot, thinks she’s too much for someone like bucky to fall in love with. he doesn’t think he deserves her either. lot’s of Insecurity all round.

in pursuit of a bride -  prince!bucky is a cad. doesn’t want to get married, so when his mom sets him up with princess y/n of midgard, he writes her a letter saying he doesn’t want to marry, but will meet for his mothers sake. she agrees, of course. then, feelings. it’s a lot.

l-o-v-e - COLLEGE!BUCKY meets reader in a library and it’s all downhill from there. He’s desperately in love and pining and it’s all ridiculous and he doesn’t think she could like him back.

mine-  series of times y/n calls bucky hers, and how he starts calling her his. very very sweet. canon au, but bucky lives in the tower.

bareskin-  times where bucky sees the reader without makeup, or off guard and trusting of him, and him falling in love with the version of her with no walls up.

numb-  bucky’s gf feeling down and a bit depressed and him loving her despite, picking up on it and loving her despite it.

the moon song- this is about the history of a song through their lives together, and their marriage.  one of my favorites.

lessons in love -  the things bucky barnes has learned while being in love, and the woman who taught him them. 

sleep- reader helps buck w insomnia and greif. 

fluorescent- college au, bucky has a bad night, and so at 3 am, they go to a mcdonald’s and Talk. 

wildflower- this is me pretending not to make my relationship into a fic. have fun reading!!!

!!!Series!!!

T O U C H  S T A R V E D- healer!reader series!

S I L V E R  I N K- tattoo artist!bucky series!

this is a rebloggable version, so feel free!

[rkhugo]

time for hugo's update!

puts this under a read more because that way i feel like the other two muses of mine don’t see it somehow??? but hugo is my favorite of the three and has been for quite some time. he’s come so far, developed a lot, accomplished a lot, and is super happy and uplifting to be on, i love him a lot <3

as a trainee;

HE CAN DANCE! kind of, but wOW he’s really proud of himself. he never thought in a million years he’d be able to dance a little. now when i say he can dance, i mean he can keep up with choreography, not that he’s at the level of hui hui or ricky, cause that’s just crazy. but he got publicly praised for his ability to dance and WOW it’s a shock and a half haha. he’s very happy, and very proud. he just can’t wait to show off his rap skills to the public!! speaking of the public though; he’s my only muse out of the three who actively reads netizen comments and blogs, cause he’s genuinely curious about what people have to say and dear lord he’s so freaking flustered and confused. everyone is praising his looks which is super crazy to him. he’s always considered himself the ugly one, so this is super crazy to him to be experiencing. he figured jungwoo would get all the comments about his appearance out of the nova boys, but nope! it’s him! he finds it insane haha. for his current training, he’s focusing on his performance ability. now that he can kind of dance, he needs to be able to do that while rapping on stage, so he’s working on that live singing achievement. from there he’ll hammer out his composing and rapmaking. if there’s time after that he’ll hammer out speed rapping and lyric writing. his charisma has to go up though, and his variety and comedy achievements need to go up too. and he needs to get abs done. off, so much to do, so little time lol. 

family; 

so!!! hugo lives with his mom and sister who recently moved to seoul from busan. his sister is seven months pregnant, so he’s about to become an uncle in march! him and his dad are on okay terms now, which is kind of weird since he moved out, but he figures the relationship is one thats best maintained at a distance. part of him wants to get his parents to hash things out since they’re in the same city now, but hugo is well aware that them getting back together (they’re separated, not divorced) is a bit of a pipe dream. minhee is the best cousin in the world <3 a miss chaewon is being added to the cousin roster!! and of course miles is still a cousin that hugo adores despite her not being in the rp anymore. i’ve headcanoned that they’re still close. 

friends;

oof! his friendscape has changed a lot! he rarely sees sehun which is super upsetting, because they were roommates and best friends at one point. hugo’s best friend became bambam at one point too, but that has drifted apart as well [due to ooc reasons, so i won’t fabricate a reason why they aren’t close anymore because it’d be inconsiderate to impose a canon ic thing on someone else’s muse without talking to them about it, but it’s still important to acknowledge that that is a friendship hugo had]. currently hugo doesn’t exactly have a best friend, unless he counts his girlfriend which at this point he honestly could, but wendy gets her own category that goes beyond gf or best friend. hugo has gotten closer to ricky and jungwoo, so there’s some nice development happening there! and moon bin looks like a really good contender for a potential new best friend, they just click really well together. solji will always have a special place in hugo’s heart, as will meiqi, and he’s also over the moon that sunmi stayed in nova and resigned. he likes yongsun and haknyeon from their interactions they’ve had as well! 

wendy;

wendy is... where do i even begin? hugo is such a strong muse, especially recently, so much so his desires and ambitions affect me when i’m just going about my day. a lot of the time he’s screaming for his girlfriend. he just loves her so freaking much, his love for her is on par with his love for music, which is insane to me, because music is his number one passion and love, well, it used to be. she isn’t the most affection or forward with her emotions and feelings, and he knows she feels bad about that but she shouldn’t. he has never cared that she isn’t super affection, because he knows he is for the both of them. she’s that level-headed, rational, mature, clear-minded rock and anchor in his life, and he loves all of those things about her. she just completes him in the most perfect ways and makes him so damn happy, and he’s super happy now that he gets to just gush through me about her. they’ve been together half a year, but he’s already certain that they’ll last ages and ages. he cannot wait for what the future holds for them. 

[makingxocircles]

Heeeeeelp meeeeeeee

Ok so i need some help. There’s this boy that i like. I’ve liked him for over a year but up until a week ago, he’d been in a relationship. We have had a pretty steady friendship this whole time. So here’s where it gets… kinda confusing. So he was dating a girl who doesn’t even live in the US. I live in Florida and he lives in California. She would periodically visit him a few times throughout their relationship but the majority of the relationship was spent apart from each other. Meanwhile, my friendship with him is mostly online via texting mostly, Instagram and Skype. Early on in our friendship while he was still dating this other girl, we began flirting. Little stuff here and there, until he asked me for pictures and you know what pictures I’m talking about. At first I was hesitant and slightly torn because on one hand I really liked him but on the other I knew I was enabling him to essentially cheat on his gf. I didn’t want to hurt her but at the same time i really wanted to indulge. So after months of him asking, i sent him photo’s. Also note that while we were flirting via text we got a bit naughty if you know what i mean. This was all early this year, while he was dating this other girl. During this time, while i had enjoyed him flirting with me and giving me this kind of attention, i was also being told by “friends” how I was such a terrible person for wanting to do this with him while he was dating someone else and i began feeling guilty. As I should i mean i would be crushed if i was in her place. Also note, that while all this was going on, she and I were friendly.

So i brought this dilemma up to him and he got very defensive telling me that he had talked to his gf about this and she knew he was flirty with other girls (not necessarily me). While I don’t wanna make excuses for him, i want to point out that the last year and a half of his life that i have known him, he lost his little sister and best friend right in front of him. So i don’t know exactly if his behavior towards me was just a result of his trauma or if he had some kind of feelings towards me, I’m not sure. But this information is key to understanding him.

So i tell him, hey listen i don’t like feeling like I’m just the side chick. I don’t want to enable you to cheat on your gf etc. even though by now, i had sexted, flirted and sent risqué photo’s. He was understanding and respected my choice and ever since then our conversations have been light and platonic. Both of us are musicians so a main portion of our conversations are music based. But nonetheless, he would offer up information from time to time when things with his gf weren’t going well. When they would fight, things she did that he didn’t like, etc.

Recently she was in his town for a few weeks. During this time, he and I talked like normal and even planned a Skype time to work on music. Well right up to him making the Skype call he texts me and cancels saying he had a mini emergency and that he would make it up to me. This was on halloween night (today is the day after Thanksgiving to give reference for future readers) so you can tell how recent this was. While she was in town, he mentioned a few times being stressed out and anxious. I associated that though with something else going on in his life not her being in town. He never told me what that mini emergency was but later that night i asked if everything was okay and he said things weren’t great but he was okay. Meanwhile his gf is sharing Instagram stories of them together carving pumpkins and dressing up for Halloween. Online it looked like everything was perfect. That nothing was wrong.

So at the beginning of this month after she left and went back home overseas, he seemed less stressed. But again associated that with something happening in his life that had past at this point so i just assumed he was relaxed from not having so much on his plate. But then i notice that he unfollowed his gf on social media and she did the same. This didn’t surprise me because periodically throughout their relationship they would do that and then follow each other again like a week or so later. Well a week went by and neither refollowed the other. So being me and having a crush on him, decided to see if he still had his relationship status on Facebook. When i noticed that he had taken the status off his main page, i clicked on his about and saw that he was still “in a relationship” with her but it wasn’t displayed on his main page like it used to be so i knew something was up. So our mutual friend suggested he would ask him what was going on. So he messaged him and gets back a response “no things aren’t great with us. It sucks” then all of a sudden he is listed as “single” on Facebook.

So after alllllllllll of that. Here’s where i need some help and if you stick with me up until here you are the real MVP cause that’s a lot. I mentioned that his ex-gf is not from America. Well turns out she’s moving to his city for an internship in February. So i have the next few months to really tell him how i feel about him. But my fear is that he doesn’t feel the same. I am afraid that his flirtatious attitude towards me was nothing more than just his way of dealing with the tragedy he had been through a few months earlier or if their relationship had been rocky even back then. I know he loves her and i am sure she loved him. I an afraid that if i don’t step up and tell him how I feel that when she does move there for school, that they will rekindle the flames. She was recently advertising on twitter for a roommate to live with while she was there, which to me was already a huge red flag that things were bad because she easily could have lived with him and his family rent free so why look for roommates? If it was me, i would pick rent free living with the boy i love over paying to live with friends. And even if they couldn’t live in his parents house with him, both of them have money and could afford to live together. They are both adults. Again, a better option than living with friends or random strangers especially when you have been apart from your bf for as long as you had and you finally get to be together everyday for 4 months.

I really don’t know if this decision to break up is final, but he has pretty much removed himself from anything having to do with her. They are still friends on Facebook and he hasn’t removed their pics off his Instagram yet. But he also had a pretty public relationship with her and if he took down the pics people would ask him what’s going on. So i assume that he just doesn’t wanna talk about it or deal with it. He hasn’t even told me yet they broke up. We are very close on text, Skype, etc. but on Instagram, he barely acknowledges me. If i comment on his pics he will like other people’s comments but not mine (mind you he does get a lot of comments and may not see mine). He won’t like my pics (we follow each other) and says “i didn’t see it” but will like other pics of friends he follows. I don’t want to base how he feels about me on social media interaction, but it does make me wonder if he does like me?

So I’m really confused because on one hand he used to flirt with me, talk dirty with me, ask for dirty pics while having a gf. But stopped after i said i wasn’t comfortable with him doing this while dating this other girl. Ever since then everything has been platonic. I just don’t know what to do. He does give me his time even when he is busy, he does go out of his way to do things for me, he does still talk to me even when he is stressed or fighting with his gf. He does show that he cares, i just don’t know how much and it’s only confusing because he once acted like he did like me. I just have no idea if it was because he did like me or because he was dealing with so much depression and anxiety from his tragedy that he took it out on me by mindlessly flirting with me and it meant nothing to him while it meant everything to me.

Oh also, keep in mind. We have never met in person yet. We were going to when he was in town a few months ago but both of us were super busy and he didn’t have a car to really get around even though i said i would go pick him up, but him dinner, anything just to hang out and meet this guy I’ve been talking to for over a year. So idk if those were excuses he made to avoid me or if he truly was busy the whole time, idk. And before you say it, no he isn’t catfishing me because we have Skyped and he has sent me videos and stuff so he is who he says he is. I know that he isn’t avoiding me because he catfished me. His friend suggested maybe he avoided me because he does like me and since at the time he was dating his gf, that he didn’t want things to happen between us. Even his own best friend of 20?years thought he might like me based on his behaviors. Then later came back and said no that he really loves his ex and that i should move on. But now they aren’t together anymore and it looks to be permanent unless something happens in February when she moves out there. So basically, i have December and January to really make moves to show him that i like him but i am super shy and insecure about this stuff and I’m scared if he knows it will ruin our friendship and I would rather salvage our friendship than never tell him how i feel. But at the same time, i watched him be with this girl for a year and a half while i had a huge crush on him and that was torture. I feel like i have an opportunity to go for it with him and be brave and tell him but at the same time I’m scared that when he finds out he will stop talking to me even though I’m like 80% sure he already knows how I feel because I’m not exactly the best at hiding my feelings. Everyone around us had a feeling i liked him including his best friend.

If ANYONE stuck through all of that tea, i first of all praise you because this took me an hour to write. So i cant imagine how long it took to read. So if you did read all of that, pleeeeeeeease help me! I don’t know what to do. I want the assurance of knowing he likes me. And most of the guys i have talked to about this say it sounds like he does like me to an extent but idk. He JUST broke up with gf of almost 3 years. So i don’t wanna jump in there right off the bat and be like well now that she’s gone here i am… i need to strategically figure out when the best time to tell him is and what i should do until then to really get him interested in me. Remember that we are long distance right now. I know this is a looooooooot, but i really really REALLY need help and time is limited.

[lets-idont-even-know]

All of them

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?-yeah I know she did2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?-no3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?-every time Faith says she spent more money on me 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?-I have to every day at work5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?-absolutely 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?-no 7. What exactly are you wearing right now?-sports bra and boxers8. How often do you listen to music?-daily9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?-jeans10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018?-nah11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?-anti12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?-yeah13. What about ‘R’?-no14. Can you drive a stick shift?-no15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?-no16. Are you going out of town soon?-yeah17. When was the last time you cried?-probably recently over something stupid 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?-yeah19. If you could change your eye color, would you?-a different blue20. Is there a guy who you would do absolutely everything for?-my dad21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.-I have to work and I hate my job22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?-no23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?-Yes I am 24. What are you sitting on right now?-I’m laying on my bed25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?-yes26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?-yeah but then I got lucky and she liked me back and now we are dating27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?-Faith28. Do you get a lot of colds?-not anymore29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?-not wearing one30. Does anyone hate you?-yes lmao31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?-nope32. Do you like watching scary movies?-yes33. Do you want your tongue pierced?-not in the slightest34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?-sophomore year of high school35. Did you have a dream last night?-yes and it made me so sad I’ve been awake ever since 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?-right before bed37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?-god I hope so38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?-yes lol39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?-no she’s sleeping40. Did you have a good day yesterday?-yes41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?-yeah 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?-I’ll hang out with my friend Emily at work today43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?-yeah44. What’s the best part about school?-when it’s over45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?-really old ones46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?-no47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?-constantly 48. Were you single over the last summer?-nope49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?-THANK GOD NO because I was unhappy and now I am not 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?-getting ready for work51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?-no it was my roommates boyfriend 52. Are you nice to everyone?-typically53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?-yes54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?-easily55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?-not when it comes to Faith because she reads me like a book 56. Do you think you like someone?-love her 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?-yes 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?-girls59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?-yeah60. Do you hate anyone?-not anymore. It took up too much energy 61. How’s your heart?-happier than ever thanks to her62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?-yeah 63. Have you ever cried over a guy?-yeah cuz he was a huge douche 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?-probz just one person I’m not gonna name65. Are your toenails painted pink?-god no66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?-nopeeeeeee67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?-idk68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?-no69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?-my gf currently 70. How do you look right now?-like a scrub71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?-yes, Faith72. Can you commit to one person?-yeah73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?-yeah74. Have you ever felt replaced?-YES75. Did you wake up cranky?-a little cuz I couldn’t fall back asleep76. Are you a jealous person?-yeah77. Are relationships ever worth it?-duh78. Anyone you’re giving up on?-nope79. Currently wanting to see anyone?-Faith80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?-work..... shocking 81. Last person you cried in front of?-Faith82. Is there someone you will never forget?-yeah83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?-oh my god yeah and it’s hot when she is 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?-cuddling and kissing her good morning85. Are you over your past?-yeah 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?-no87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?-Faith88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?-helllllll noooooo89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?-yes omg 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?-Currently91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?-yeah92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?-my brother93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?-I went to prom with Matt. But never kissed94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?-nope I was ending one in January 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?-absolutely 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?-well it’s my gf so yes97. Who do you have texts from?-Faith, my group chat, Ashlyn, my friend Alex who lives in Atlanta and my friend Alex who lives in Oklahoma, and my friend Katie 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?-fuck you 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?-yes100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?-my girl 101. Ever kissed under fireworks?-this past summer yeah 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?-every day she does

[chaoticmessofagender]

1-100

1:Is there a boy/girl in your life?Yes
2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?No
3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”“I want that meow” (I love puns)
4:What’s something you really want right now?Pancakes
5:Are you afraid of falling in love?Depends? I kinda think so? My mind and heart are complicated.
6:Do you like the beach?Yes
7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes
8:What’s the background on your cell?Lock screen is my gf and my home screen is my bestie and me 
9:Name the last four beds you were sat on?What?
10:Do you like your phone?Yup
11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned?Hahahahahaha!!!! No, not at all, end me now I am fucking miserable 
12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?My biological dad
13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? Rottweiler
14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?Emotional 
15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?Art museum, I don’t like zoos bc seeing caged animals makes me cry
16:Are you tired?A better question would be “when are you not tired”
17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact?Honestly, I don’t know who this person is so she was probs a one time project partner who is forever forgotten
18:Are they a relative?No
19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?No, I get fucked over too much
20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?Tonight, we call each other just about every night if we can. We said our goodnights ❤️
21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?No, I want more time to be an independent adult before moving into that
22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Most definitely! No questions asked!
23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?0
24:Is there a certain quote you live by?We all make bad decisions for temporary happiness
25:What’s on your mind?Music
26:Do you have any tattoos?I wish but soon
27:What is your favorite color? I tell people purple but my fav color is actually red
28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?I will kiss her anywhere she wants
29:Who are you texting?No one now bc I’m the only one awake
30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?No, just my bed
31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?Always
32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?Yes
33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you?I hope my gf has feelings for me or this would be so awkward 
34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?All the time actually
35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?Then I’d be single and that someone would have a black eye
36:Were you single on Valentines Day?No, but I wish I was
37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed?Yes
38:What do your friends call you?Votato
39:Has anyone upset you in the last week?Yes
40:Have you ever cried over a text?Yes
41:Where’s your last bruise located?Idk, I have a new one everyday 
42:What is it from?Idk? Battling demons and the patriarchy in my sleep?
43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?Now
44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with?My friend Aly
45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?Yes, they are boots
46:Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?Sometimes?
47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style?Nah
48:Do you make supper for your family?My mom would never eat anything I make even though I’m a pretty good cook
49:Does your bedroom have a door?Yes
50:Top 3 web-pages?HuluNetflixApartment searches
51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping?Meh
52:Does anything on your body hurt?My head
53:Are goodbyes hard for you?Yes
54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?Water
55:How is your hair?Shaved short on sides and the top is burgundy/purple
56:What do you usually do first in the morning?Hit snooze
57:Do you think two people can last forever?Yes
58:Think back to January 2007, were you single?Yes
59:Green or purple grapes?Purple
60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?In 2 weeks when I see Her again
61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?Yeah, sleeping next to my gf and holding her in my arms 
62:When will be the next time you text someone?Probably in the morning bc She sends me good morning texts
63:Where will you be 5 hours from now?In bed sleeping
64:What were you doing at 8 this morning.Getting ready for work
65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked?I was dating someone but I didn’t like them tbh so no one probably
66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?Yes! I’ve mentioned her a lot so far lol
67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today?No
68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?I hope I can wake up in the morning for work because I’m going to bed late 
69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?My life
70:How many windows are open on your computer?My friend at another college borrowed mine for tonight so I can’t answer that tbh
71:How many fingers do you have?10, 5 on each hand 
72:What is your ringtone?Kingdom hearts piano
73:How old will you be in 5 months?22
74:Where is your Mum right now?Florida (aka Satan’s armpit)
75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?I got fucked over and will never trust this person ever again
76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?Sadly no
77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?Not all of them, like 2 of them maybe
78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?Nope
79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?Yeah two of them, a guy and a girl. Girl is Michaela but we call her mike for short
80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?Yes and I never liked it until I met her
81:How many people have you liked in the past three months?2 people??
82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?My roommate
83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight?I just did
84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?Probs my bestie/ squad
85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?Yes, I don’t want their health to be affected or deteriorate 
86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?Everyone screamed, and some random guy played with my hair without my permission 
87:Who was your last received call from?Aly
88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?No
89:What is something you wish you had more of?Stability
90:Have you ever trusted someone too much?Yes
91:Do you sleep with your window open?only if it’s hot
92:Do you get along with girls?Sometimes
93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?Mmmm...idk? I’m pretty honest 
94:Does sex mean love?No
95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?Definitely not! 
96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?No
97:Did you sleep alone this week?Yes :(
98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?Yes
99:Do you believe in love at first sight?I believe in infatuation at first sight
100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise? My bestie, I promised him I’d watch a specific movie with him after I got home from work

[erinforitnow]

Really Outta Place Rant, If You Know Me Personally Please Don’t Read!

I don’t think this post warrants any trigger warnings but the last thing I want to do is upset people so if by chance someone actually reads this post and wants tws lmk.

All my life I was bullied for who I was, by my parents, by my grandparents, the kids at school, even the fucking teachers. I couldn’t sleep. I had no outlet because my family judged everything I liked, and gave me shit for showing dislike for things too. Everything I did was poked and prodded, I had no privacy. Not even my journals felt safe.  All my life I’ve also experienced an inability to see images in my head, and I had OCD, so the only thoughts I had were songs, as I was obsessed with certain albums. My brain has never felt like an escape, or a safe place, it was just a radio I could never turn off, and I felt ostracized because everything I learned and saw I had to slowly break down over the noise (as I was too insecure to do it out loud), so I’ve always felt behind.

All my life I would also black out and when I woke up things would have happened that I didn’t do. It didn’t even feel like I was really possessed. It was like I got shut off. I didn’t retreat into my mind, I just sunk back. I would just watch events unfold in front of me like the world’s most boring movie. And I would forget a lot of happened. But sometimes it was more like a record skip. My life just kept changing and I suddenly was told I liked things that I didn’t. I’ve always hated confrontation so I just went with it. I hated everything about myself, everything I created, everything I said I loved, because I felt like they weren’t mine, they belonged to the me that everyone else knew, the me that everyone preferred. I started sleeping around at an early age. I tended to drift towards people that treated me like shit. Just because at that point in my life I didn’t have any sort of emotional outlet for the decades worth of bottled up emotions. I slowly at that point started to get the ability of just giving up control. I could blackout on demand when I was too stressed or scared or sad or whatever. I started doing this a lot during sex because I wasn’t sexually attracted to the people I dated.

At long last, I finally got to college, to freedom, and I started expressing myself through music and poetry, but the voices were still there, and I kept losing control during the moments I wanted to be there the most. I met two amazing friends and the most amazing girl I had ever met. I started a band, and I wrote a few songs that I think will really be a hit. The girl I liked said yes to going out with me. I finally had everything I wanted. Everything I never had. But I didn’t want to share it with the other me, so I started using DPH to sleep and repress her. And it seemed to work for a while. Until one night, a friend of mine stayed over, and when I fell asleep Alex took over and started flirting with her (This was not one of the times where my life felt like a movie, it was one of the times where I wasn’t watching). It got to the point where she was breathing pretty fast and wanted to go further. But something happened. I woke up. and I REALLY misunderstood the situation. I told my friends and they had my back, but luckily the girl started to get through to them and they believed her. They turned on me. Everyone turned on me. The girl I liked started to drift and I think she probably got the wrong idea.  I was mostly alone until this sweet girl told me she had a crush on me. She would come over but all I had the energy to do was sleep. I couldn’t help it, it was a combination of weed, my meds, the dph, and the fact that Alex took over when I slept. I felt exhausted constantly. We started getting close, she was really sweet and her and her friend were there for me. I was still recovering from my break up before I met the girl I was actually attracted to, and that “break up” too. So I kept getting more stressed. I turned to dph harder. Like an insane amount. I kept giving my pills to my gf to try and get clean but it didn’t work. I would black out and wake up with another bottle. My roommate tried to report me and he came over and something inside me just broke. I screamed at him, which sucks because hes one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met and I really hurt him. I cut off everyone and stopped going to classes.  Winter break rolled around and I went home to my tiny farming hometown. I felt even more alone, as I only had one friend back home. And while she was great, it wasn’t enough to keep me from giving up. I started spending an insane of money on otc drugs to get fucked up as much as possible. I didn’t want to die but I felt like the world wanted me to, that’s my excuse for my addiction.  I came back to campus after a few failed dates and a few weeks of dph and tussin abuse and just couldn’t bring myself to go to my classes. I keep trying to take my life but everytime i do I black out and they take over and I just can’t. I need something immediate, like a jump or a gun, everytime I try to hang myself or over dose I just can’t.  My friends slowly started to forgive me for what happened. I explained my perspective and they trusted me. things started to heal. but I was still skipping my classes, and I was blacking out more and more. but every time I wake up more people are talking to me. The other me has two boyfriends, and a bunch of boy toys on campus. they do my homework, talk to my friends. They’re hosting an orgy. They’re doing everything I was always too scared to do, but theyre also stealing my life. People have msg’d me and came to my door asking for Alex. My friends are down with her being in front full time.  They’re letting her lead the band I always wanted, they’re stealing my art and my music and saying its theirs. And I can’t even do anything, i just don’t have the courage. Everyone hates me, they call me “Hyde.”  But the thing that really, really, gets me, is that they claim they’re the original, they say I’m a facade and I’m not real. to not worry about me because i was just a character, that my songs and my thoughts and my journal and my money belong to them, that they’re the ones that did all the hard work, that they worked 60 hour weeks in a kitchen back home, that they made all the decisions about my life and look. And everyone believes them?? I don’t understand why people can’t see Alex is a lying psychopath. I’ve lost everything. I’ll I wanted to do is suppress them with sleeping meds because I didn’t want them to scare off the girl I like (shes pretty young, doesnt date much, insanely smart, beautiful, and talented, VERY straight arrow) but I scared her off anyways. I can’t even bring myself to talk to her anymore. I hate everything.

TL;DR:

I have two personalities, but my other personality tortures me and is stealing my life, but everyone likes my other personality better so they don’t care.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #258

“as above, so below, what you reap is what you sow. what you give comes back threefold, as above, so below.”

Who was your favorite cartoon character when you were a kid? Pikachu! Have you ever asked a guy out on a date? No. Who do you consider your best friend in your workplace? N/A Do you have to have your bed or anything else in your room a specific way before you go to sleep? I think I almost always have to be facing the left, but I can't really say with total certainty considering you don't really like... *realize* when you fall asleep. Have you changed your mind about anything lately? I've been on the fence about things. What do you dream about most? What is the general tone or mood of your dreams? They're either uncomfortable, melancholic run-ins with Jason or horrible nightmares about being attacked in some way and being incapable of fighting back. Do you mind going grocery shopping or is it something you enjoy? Does ANYBODY enjoy it?? If you could have a physical feature like wings, horns, a tail, ect., what would you have? GIVE ME RAM HORNS. What is something you wish more people understood about who you are as a person? A lot of my struggling goes on in my head. Like I think I'm relatively open about when I'm having a hard time, but it's come to my attention recently that there's a lot of battles people don't see and leads to the belief I give up easily. Have you ever gone through a time when you had no friends? How did you deal with it? No friends I ever hung out with or anything, yes. I just had to start reaching out and opening up a bit more, and that's when Colleen came in. What is your favorite food to have as a snack? It depends on what flavor I'm craving. Usually though, something sour and gummy. What time do you usually eat dinner? That can vary from as early as 5:30 to as late as like, 8:00. When was the last time you felt extremely happy? Like about a week ago, the second night Mom slept on the pull-out bed a family friend got us versus that damn couch she's slept on for years. Her doing it a second time was like, verification that she was more comfortable and would keep doing it, which she has. Has any food ever made you sick to the point where you’d be afraid to try it again? No, thankfully. What is something you wish you had the opportunity to do more often? Get out of the house. Do you have any interests or hobbies you thought you would outgrow, but haven’t? I wasn't sure if I would ever "outgrow" RP. Apparently I won't. Is there an outfit that you wear much more frequently than any other? There are a few shirts, yeah. How old is your television? We got it when my parents were still together, so it's old. Do you have a laptop or desktop? A laptop. Do you own any television series box sets? Just Meerkat Manor. Have you ever been in a fight with your best friend? Yeah. Was the last movie you watched a horror film? No. Where is your favorite place to go when you’re depressed? On a car ride where I can blast my music. In high school, were you in trouble a lot? No. I only ever got in trouble for too many tardies in the morning. Do you enjoy your hairstyle? Yeah. Do you have weak upper body strength? Yikes yes. Do you think hugs are awkward? Not if they're friends or similar. People I don't like and/or know well but am expected to hug anyway, yes, it's uncomfortable. Story of my life with my sister's in-laws. Do you think facial hair is gross? ... No...? I mean sure, if it's not groomed it can be, but it's very natural and normal? Would you ever dye your hair an unnatural color? UGH I want to. My hair has such a hard time holding color... Has anyone ever been weirdly obsessed with you? No. What is your favorite band of all time? Ozzy Osbourne. Always. Would you consider getting a tattoo any time soon? Literally ASAP. I was supposed to get my Mark one tidied up big big time for my birthday by a really professional artist with both holiday and birthday money, but Mom literally had to use it to keep this house and the car. It was admittedly frustrating, but I could tell she was far from happy about it and I can't *rightfully* be pissy about it. Then the cancer came along and threw a massive wrench in the plan, so now idk when that's happening now. What movie did you last watch with someone? I THINK it was the live action The Lion King with Dad. It's been a long time. Are you afraid of airplane rides? Not very actively, no. I acknowledge the risk, but it's not something I deeply worry about. If you’re reading a book, what page are you currently on? Don't have a book to read currently; I just finished the second Wings of Fire book, now I'm moving onto The Testaments by Margaret Atwood when we can order it over Amazon. Do you have a job you like? I don't have a job period. Have you ever lived with a roommate before? Yeah. How many scarves do you own, if any at all? Maybe one? If even that. Did you tell your last girlfriend/boyfriend that you love them? Yeah. What was the last thing your parents got mad at you for? Idk about Dad, but Mom... probably something I said? But I'm not sure. Do your pets have favorites? I'm the only one who handles Venus, and I'm Roman's favorite. How many people could sleep comfortably in the room you’re in? Just two if we share the bed. Would you like to have a treadmill in your house? I DESPERATELY want one. My legs are getting bad again now that I haven't physically been in school for what, a month? What’s the longest you’ve ever liked someone without telling them? Well, that would be Girt, but I went on-and-off with like-liking him for years... Since freshman year, really. It's hard to say because of my mind constantly changing. When is the last time you were on a swingset? Wow, no clue. At sleepovers, do you usually sleep on a bed, couch or floor? I haven't had one of those in too long of a time to really tell you. It would depend on the relationship, too. What’s the sweetest thing a gf/bf can do to get you to forgive them? Changed behavior. How hot does the temperature get in the summer where you live? High 90s/lower 100s. Was the last hoodie you wore too big for you? No. Did it belong to someone else? No. Have you ever taken Ambien to fall asleep? I was given it at the hospital, but it never did much for me. Did your last ex try to get back together with you after the break-up? No. Do you know someone who has 6 or more siblings? Possibly, but I don't think so. Do you rent movies frequently? Nope. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Take pictures. Will we ultimately end up destroying our own race? Yup. How do you think the world will end? Human life, climate change. Earth itself, probably like a meteor or black hole or something. I believe the universe itself will always exist. An alien ship lands at your house, and they want you. Do you go with them? Errrr no. If I even had the option. What’s your favorite meal to cook? I don't cook. Homework: Do you actually READ the chapters, or just skim through them? I read. I'd be too nervous about missing vital info to skim. If you were in a horror flick, would you be one of the first ones to die? Probably, but it depends on the predicament, I guess? What movie has been taken WAY too far, as far as sequels go? I don't know. I'm not a film buff. Do you refuse to eat certain foods because of what they look like? Yep. Green olives, for example, look so fuckin gross to me. Would you ever become a fan of a team you hate to please your spouse? No? Can you handle scary movies? I love scary movies. I enjoy the adrenaline of 'em. How often do you get a new purse…and for guys a new wallet? Not often at all. What is the most money that you have ever spent on getting your nails done? Never done that. Do you have a fake I.D.? Nope. Would you date someone 5 years older than you? Yeah. Have you ever been fingered? Yes. What is your favorite horror movie? Hmmm. I've got a bias towards Silent Hill, of course, but I also really enjoy both The Blair Witch Project movies, as well as The Crazies. Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? Yeah. What’s your favorite kind of float? (coke, root beer) I can't remember the last time I had one of those. If you heard your best friend’s significant other was cheating on them, would you tell them? Even if you couldn’t prove it? UM yes. I mean it kinda depends on who told me this, like it could be total bullshit, but, they'd deserve to know that there was a possibility. If you discovered you were pregnant at this point in time, would you keep it or abort it? Why? If I got pregnant now, it'd have to be a case of rape, in which case I would probably abort, considering I'd be fucking traumatized worse than I already was. What is the last thing you googled? Uhhh shit. I think the definition for a word to ensure I was using it correctly? Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Nooo. I always wanted to as a kid, but I was ultimately too scared. Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? Hot, usually. Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Yes. Where did your mother and father meet for the first time? I think work. Have you ever stayed in a cheap motel? No. I'm too much of a germaphobe for that. Have you been to Mount Rushmore? No. Do you sleep with the door open, kinda open, or completely closed? Open or kinda open, depending on if the cat moves it or not. How old were you when you got chicken pox? Never got it. What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual. Do you have full or thinner lips? Uh idk, they look pretty normal to me. Which of the Pirates of the Caribbean's was your favorite? Never watched 'em. Do you press the delete key or the backspace key to get rid of a mistake? Backspace. How far do you live from your parents? I live with one. How many family photos do you have in your home? Like, on display/the walls? A pretty decent amount. Are you happy with how much money you make? I make none, so like... guess. Are you the type of person that will parallel park? Fuck that. To you, what is “the best thing since sliced bread”? Probably the Internet. Do you read and believe your horoscope? No. Do you have rules for naming your future children? I'm not having kids, but if I was to, no. Which actor, in your opinion, played the best Batman? I haven't seen them all. Have you ever TURNED DOWN an invite to a wedding? Why? No. Do you believe people should get married in a church? lol get married wherever the fuck you want. Name a movie everyone else thought was funny, but you couldn’t stand: *shrugs* Does the mall you go to have an arcade? Do you go in there? No. What is your favorite Little Debbie snack? This is ACTUALLY impossible. Don't ask me this question lmao. Got any interesting wigs? I don't have any wigs. What Mario game was your least favorite, and why? I've literally only ever played Mario Kart. I'm not that interested in the games. Have you ever been snowed in? Not to where like, we couldn't go outside. Does playing games in 2-D bother you because you now play mostly 3-D games? Oh no. Graphics absolutely do not make a game. Sure, they're more desirable considering it greatly improves immersion, but still. Sometimes 2D fits the "vibe" of the game. Tell the weirdest name of a town/city you’ve ever heard: Conetoe. You're pronouncing it wrong. Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have a cell phone? I don't think so. Do you like pineapple? Oh yeah. Do you get a flu jab each year? No, but I should start. Did you ever dream about being an animal? Maybe? Idk. What's your favourite colour on a dog? Orange/red. Do you have an electric or gas cooker? Gas. What do you like to drink at a restaurant? I usually get a soda. If we're at some fancy place for once, I'll usually get some light, fruity alcohol. What was the last book you read that also is a film? I don't have a clue. Have you always known what you've wanted to do with your life, career-wise? It's changed many, many times now. Would you stay at a haunted hotel? Hell yeah. What is the best HAND-MADE present you've ever received? It was this long, extremely sweet letter my mom wrote for my b-day two years back. It meant a lot to me. Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to your house that you didn't order? I don't believe so. Do you follow a 5-second rule after dropping food on the floor? NOOOOOOOOO sir. Did you take Flintstone vitamins or any others as a child? EW, no. We were lucky enough to have fruity chewy ones, not chalky crap. What types of things do you think the government is hiding from us? Oh my fucking god, a universe of information. Aliens probably being one of the least scary things. How do you like your soda: I think it tastes best cold from a can. Have you learned anything valuable today? No. What's your favorite kind of Doritos? Cool Ranch. Do your parents have MySpace pages? Mom has a Facebook. Be honest...ever peed in the pool? Noooo. When I was a kid, you went behind the pool and handled that. Have you ever pulled a fire alarm? Nope. Have you had your tonsils removed? No. Isn't Chef Boyardee awesome? Not a fan. What reality show has been taken WAY too far? I don't watch enough TV for this. Must you grab a souvenir from almost everywhere you go? Nah, not always. Did you enjoy making things out of Play-Doh as a child? I did. What do you put on hot dogs? Mustard and ketchup. Can you swim? Yeah. Hot dogs or cheeseburgers? Cheeseburgers. Your favorite hobby? Taking pictures, particularly of animals. Do you wear glasses? Yes. Do you have a phobia? Plenty. Can you drive a stick? Never tried. How many TVs are in your house? Two. Do you like to sing? Not very long. Favorite car? Idc. Is there anything (out of the obvious) that makes you feel really ill? Perhaps, but I'm not certain. Maybe some smell. WELL WAIT, gasoline can give me a real headache, but I don't feel like, REALLY sick. Do you know both of your biological parents? Which one do you prefer? Yes, and I don't want to choose between them. When was the last time you wrote so much your finger ached? My final exam for Writing last semester. What is something you think about yourself that nobody agrees with? Quite honestly, I wouldn't put extreme emphasis on my loyalty, but only because if you prove to me that you're undeserving of my friendship, trust, or anything like that, peace. I'm out. Family, friend, whatever; I don't care. Yet most people who know me have pointed out I'm extremely loyal, but really in all cases I can think of, I remained loyal because the person was worthy of it. What about something people think of you that you don’t agree with? This depends on the person and situation of course, but mostly, that I put on a damn good front of not being a socially anxious mess. Teachers and friends have pointed that out quite a bit, but I could NOT disagree more. I think I do awfully. What design is on your calendar this year? I don't have a current one. What is your favorite type of video game? Horror. What’s the weather like where you live? (All year round, not today) The baseline is IT'S HOT. Even our winters are - usually - very mild. Summer usually soaks the shit out of us; afternoon storms are literally an almost daily occurrence, so as you can imagine, the humidity could kill a man. The weather in general is very unpredictable year-round. When was the last time you climbed a tree? I've never actually properly done so. I grew up with almost exclusively pine trees, which only have branches much too high to climb.

[blueeyed-butterfly]

For you. (Pt. 2)

I didn’t. It was awkward but at the same time I was happy to have you in my class for the first time since 9th grade. I’m pretty sure I ended up moving a couple weeks later or so. I remember after i moved we got In contact again and caught up. Can’t remember if we started dating or not that time. If we did. It wasn’t long. I ended up moving out of state. You ended up dating someone from here. We did our own thing for months. I remember around Christmas I ended up moving back home, and I remember we started talking again. You ended up breaking up with your girlfriend. We started dating once again lol. Remember that time when we were planning on moving to Florida together? Lmao we didn’t have a clue on what we were doing. We were still so young. 18-19 years old. Eventually that idea died. Along with or relationship once again. I ended up moving back out of state for over a year. You did your thing. I came back home destroyed over the relationship I was just in. A few months later or so you borrowed your moms car to come get me so we could hang out and catch up. It was like we never were apart. We always picked up where we left off. It was never awkward. You were always my best friend even if we weren’t dating. I remember listening to music, and recording you singing “animals” my Maroon 5. Life was finally feeling good for me for the first time in forever. I think that night we went to the Falls and it started pouring rain and we were under that bridge for a while. Just talking and joking around. We started dating again. But you were different, you were very sad. I wanted to be there for you. I remember sitting in your garage in kenmore with your mom and the things you said scared me. You wanted to die. I honestly was afraid to lose you. I was really afraid if something was going to happen. I’m not sure if we broke up again but I think we did, but I remember eventually meeting your grandparents and they loved me from the first second they met me, and I loved them! They were always so nice and welcoming and I felt like part of the family when I was around. You and I had so many memories there. Swimming In the pool, yelling at you for getting my hair wet, jumping in the trampoline. Laying on the trampoline looking at the stars. Laying there watching movies, til we both fell asleep cuddled up on the couch. I remember one night you were so sad you actually cried in front of me. I never seen that side of you. I just wanted to comfort you. I’m not sure how long after, but I remember sitting on my porch one day and for some reason you were with your ex gf at Tim hortons and she had your phone and sent me a long text as you saying you were breaking up with me. I was so confused and so hurt. Didn’t see it coming. But later that day you and I met up and talked and shit worked out. Although I still had some fears and confusion going on. A few days later or so i believe I was drinking a couple of my dads beers and told you to come pick me up so we could hang out and we went to the falls. We went up on the observation deck and we watched the fireworks. Something came over me, maybe it had something to do with the beer, giving me some courage to say to you that I wanted to finally have sex. You were shocked lol I was shocked. We left, and I snuck you into my house. We laid there for a while. I was nervous as fuck because it was my first time. You made me feel comfortable though. You were nervous yourself even shaking. We just laughed and let it happen. I was SO happy that you’re the one I lost it to. You were my person. No matter what. It was a special moment for me for sure. We laid there afterwards cuddling and I couldn’t believe what just happened. Remember around that time we were trying to get pregnant? Lol we tried a few times.So young and naive we were. Remember the 4th of July party at your Nonnas place. That day was very fun, I remember dancing with your sister, drunk as hell not giving a fuck lol you’d never seen me dance sober. Your sister was also very drunk. I remember it got dark and we were all on the trampoline I literally couldnt even jump let alone walk on the trampoline without falling over, and then the cops showed up and we started freaking out. We ran inside, into the bathroom and your sister hid her beer can in the bathroom cabinet lmao. Afterwards you went to bring me home, and I threw up in the front yard. Ill never forget that night. Remember when we went to the Florida Georgia line concert literally last minute? We had to drive all the way out past where the concert was to buy tickets, when the concert had already started. We got there in the middle if not cose to the end of it, but we still made the best out of it. It was the first time I was ever sober at a concert lol. About a month later we went to the luke bryan concert with Kelsey and met up with some people. We pregamed and then went into the concert where we just kept drinking, making memories having a good time.Then the one girl we were with, her boyfriend started talking to other girls and that made drunk me mad as hell so I guess i started hitting you saying you better not ever do that shit to me lol. Im still sorry for that by the way. That was still one of the best concerts I’ve been too. On the way back I had to pee so bad I was crying so I made you pull over so i could pee. Then on the way home I wanted cheeseburgers (Like i always do when I drink) so we stopped at Mcdonalds with Kelsey and drunk me said how I wanted to go in your basement (meaning have sex) lmao. Well that didnt end up happening that night, but I did end up staying the night. 

We once again ended up breaking up like a month later. I started dating someone new eventually, and you got back with your ex and moved out of town with her. We did our own thing for months. Months pass, October-August. It was the end of August when we got back in contact, you moved back home because you guys broke up. I was single. we went down to the harbor and talked and played on the playground in the pitch darkness of the night. We were just friends at that point, but I was happy to just be hanging out with you. Well a couple weeks later, I was at work, standing there just clocked out, when I opened facebook and saw that you announced you were having a baby girl with your ex. I was so shocked, if you saw my face it probably turned white. I couldnt believe it. I texted you asking how long you knew about this because you mentioned she was due in November, and it was already into September at this point. I just didnt understand, my heart was crushed. I thought i’d lose you forever. Things were about to change big time and I didnt know what to do. You were my everything and I was sure it was the end. You ended up getting back together with her. We stopped talking til a few months later, the baby was born and somehow we started talking, you were still with her but you told me you thought she was cheating on you. So me being the detective I am, sure enough found that she had that dating profile, and was claiming she was a single mother, when you guys were still together, and living together. I was so mad, for you. How the hell is someone going to do something like that? Well things ended with you guys, and we ended up back together. No matter what we always found our way back to eachother. Yes we did break up alot. But it was always for stupid reasons. I remember meeting your baby for the first time, and holding her and it did kind of make me sad, thinking “Wow, this could have been our baby” it really did suck knowing that it couldnt happen for us, but did for you and her. Thats all I ever wanted, was to start a family with you. 

We ended up breaking up, for another few months and dated other people. We got back together in June, which didnt last long. Omg its so crazy to think about all the times we broke up and what not. I can see why people talked alot of shit, but we didn’t care because we loved eachother.  Time went by almost a whole year, I moved out of my house in April and by May we were talking again and got back together. This was the last time we were together. We swore that was gonna be our time. That this was it, we were going to stay together and never break up again. We were having really good time, I met some of your new friends, and your cousin. We hung out with them a few times, we went to Canal Fest, We went to Kenmore Days, we did your little Niagara Falls dates, went to the outer harbor like old days, things just felt so right. I was so happy, and still in love with you. I remember the one night after drinking and your friends place, we went back to my place, and even though I had it in my mind, I was too nervous to bring it up, that I wanted to have sex, until you asked. It was like our first time all over again, I felt so nervous. But it was just as special as the first time. Laying there after, cuddled up, even though it was hot as fuck in my room, was one of my favorite feelings. It just felt so right. That weekend we went to the beach, the same one we went to with your family in the summer of 9th grade. I loved going there with you. That place will always hold that special memory. I took so many pictures and videos of you, and us. I still have them all. Weeks past, I decided to move out of my roommates house and move back home. You helped me move all my stuff back home, and later that night we went out to eat with your cousin. Life was going good, I was happy.. Until on the way home, I seen your ex’s name pop up on your car radio. My heart sunk, but I played it off like I didnt see it. We got to my house, I gave you the last kiss that we ever had. I got in my house and broke down. Why? We were so happy and finally in a great place with eachother. I thought to myself this is just a really bad dream. But it wasn’t. You said it was nothing, but I couldn’t belive it. I didn’t see a reason for you to still be talking to her. So we broke up. A couple months go by, and  I didnt get my period, and I thought I was pregnant. I kept getting faint lines on tests, even though by that point, they would’ve been coming up dark. But I read all this stuff online. That is could happen to some people where they have faint lines their whole pregnancy, or they never get a positive test when they are in fact pregnant. So I believed I was, I kept taking more and more tests, I was even starting to look pregnant. I told you I was, and I was scared. I couldnt talk to you. I didnt want to go to the dr because I went there years prior telling her I thought i was pregnant and I wasnt, so i didnt wanna look crazy again. So i kept it to myself, my stomach kept getting bigger, no period, had all the symptoms. I still have pictures, and Im sure I still have tests hidden somewhere. I didnt know what to do our expect. I was like “Am I really gonna have a baby in March?” Well March comes, and surely enough I wasnt pregnant. I went through a phantom/hysterical pregnancy. I was in a really dark place after that. What I went through was not easy. Its a real thing. A month or two past and I heard from my coworker who also works a 2nd job at your moms work, that she knew your mom and your mom asked about me and if i really had a baby. So I texted your mom later that day and explained everything. I messaged you the next day to talk. I explained everything, and you were understanding, I think. It was almost a year at that point that I seen you, and I really wanted to meet up and talk about it in person. But you were dating someone at this time. You told me that we could be friends, and talk to eachother, which I was happy about. But there were times I told you I love you and how I missed you, and even though you were dating someone, and I knew that.. something felt off. I knew something was up. Because in the past if we were talking, and you were dating someone else you would come back to me. As bad as that sounds. I said to myself why do I feel like this girl is gonna end up pregnant in the next couple months... Well funny enough, the next night im at work and I open twitter, and I seen you announced that you guys were having a baby. My heart dropped more than it did the first time. I was having a full blown anxiety attack while trying to work. It was a mix of emotions from what I had just went thru, to wondering why and how did you let that happen. It all made sense though to why you were acting off. I left you alone. But I was still hurt and upset over the news. People from our highschool made tweets and shit and me being hurt, decided to make a post myself. You weren’t too happy about that. I do apoligize for writing it. But you have to see it from my point of view. I want to be happy for you, but I cant. Because we were never supposed to be over. You are the love of my life. My highschool sweetheart. I wanted to marry you. I still do. And it sucks to know that it will most likely never happen. I’ve been single for a year and like 2 months now since we broke up. I haven’t had any interest in talking to someone knew. A couple months ago, I did try to talk to people, because I have no one to talk to in general, I tried to find connecitons with people, but I literally can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop holding on to hope. There is no one else I want but you. And it breaks my heart. I still cry for you. I still think about you, everyday. This post is obviously very very long. And if you took the time to read all of it, thank you. Even though I know nothing is going to come out of this I had to let it all out. The other night literally every single memory I had with you came rushing back, and I had to write it all out. We have had soooo many good times, and bad. But the good outweighs the bad. I truly think we were meant to be together. Maybe some day we will cross paths again. I’ve been writing for hours, and my eyes hurt, my vision is blurry. I just want to say I love you Anthony Jaskowiak, and I always will. 

[automatismoateo]

Lost my best friend because of Christianity. Just want to get this part of my life off my chest. via /r/atheism

Submitted November 10, 2017 at 06:09PM by Life123456 (Via reddit http://ift.tt/2i1z6Yg) Lost my best friend because of Christianity. Just want to get this part of my life off my chest.

My former best friend and his now wife (who was also a close friend) just got married. He asked me to be his best man this time last year, but after everything we went through I barely had the strength to show up to the wedding.

I'm 25, I've been Agnostic for as long as I can remember and I remain Agnostic even after deep diving into Christianity this past year. What a year it has been. I was sort of a loner in high-school and in college. My last year of college however I commuted myself to making friends, and it became one of the greatest years of my life because not only did I meet and make many new friends, I met someone who would become my best friend. He and I decided we wanted to be roommates about two years ago. We got along great! We always had conversations about life, spirituality, and always came to the conclusion together that it is who you are that matters...Your character, not your creed. I was so happy. Then he got a girlfriend, who he fell head over heals for, only there was a big compromise to be made for their relationship. Monica had been a Christian all her life, and told Nick that in order for them to be together long term he would need to be born again in the name of Jesus.

So Nick started going to church with her. At first, nothing seemed to change all that much. Nick's values still reminded me of why he was my best friend. The more he and Monica talked about the bible, their experiences at church, the people they were meeting, the more I became interested in giving it a chance. So then I started going to church with them last summer. How could it hurt, maybe I would find a new perspective.

The services were unlike anything I remembered from my early childhood Catholic upbringing. The sermon started with about 20 minutes of loud worship music. Most of the songs were about how 'worthless' we are and that we deserve sin, but Jesus is King and saved us but we're still worthless' Okay... But the 30 minute sermon delivered by the Pastor was usually very good. Opened up my eyes to some things- but the general premise was always the same, Sunday after Sunday...'You are a sinner- we are all sinners, but we are going to Heaven because Jesus died for our sins. BUT, you are only saved if you believe in Jesus, and that the bible is the literal word of God otherwise you are damned to hell'

This is where things go slightly downhill. Just beneath the warm, loving surface, most people were extremely intolerant and judgemental. ESPECIALLY my friend and his girlfriend. My friend and I began to have far too many religious talks (no longer spiritual, religious) where he would insist the bible 'must' be true, despite the fact that you literally have to forgo logic and reason to arrive at that conclusion. He used to agree when I would say "Listen- we all have our believes, but at the end of the day none of us KNOW. Just be a good person" But then he began saying he did know that he was right. Being a good person doesn't 'save' you, you have to believe in him etc. Things were beginning to get very frustrating.

Around this time, I was also attending a bible study with them thinking I might learn more about the history and symbolic meaning of the text. NOPE. The time was spent with everyone trying to convince each other (and themselves) that the bible is God's word. This made me the most uneasy out of everything, as the bible study had a cult-ish feel to it. I remember a particular time when a woman was talking about how she destroyed a statue of Buddha in her basement with a bat because she thought it was displeasing to God. Everyone in the room congratulated her with a job well done. Meanwhile, my mouth was left agape at how backwards and barbaric that act was.

Witnessing the psychology behind it was fascinating. People spoke at the bible study not really to share, but to get acceptance from other humans. My friend for instance, would not listen to what people were saying but think about what he wanted to say, what would sound good. And then he would come up with something, and keep raising his hand until he got an opportunity. Then while he was saying whatever it was, would have a huge smile on his face, and then he'd blush after he was done and look around the room for approval. It wasn't just him, it was everybody that behaved like that. Misfits that just want love and acceptance.

One night after bible study, Monica came home to our appartment with us and started celebrating the fact that she converted me and I'm now a follower of Christ. I was very afraid to tell the truth at this point, because I felt like if I didn't become a Christian my friends wouldn't love me the same (I was right). But at the time I was naiive and believed Nick would always be my 'brother' best friend' etc. so I told the truth, that while I believe a God may exist I still firmly believed the Bible was a man-mad concoction. She ended up telling me I was going to go to hell if I don't believe, no matter how good of a person I think I am. We had a 2 hour talk about it, and my best friend remained silent throughout most until the end when he began siding with her "If you actually believed in JESUS, then you would be a real CHRISTian... JESUS says this in verse bla bla" That was hard. I cried a lot that night. The next day, when it was just he and I, he said he didn't believe I was going to hell, that he'd be a horrible friend if he thought that. That made me feel much better, but he couldn't say that with her there?

The intolerance, inability to accept, refusal to listen to reason, and fright of leaving their Christian bubble just got worse. Monica stopped talking to me, Nick said I was right that she is purposefully withdrawing from me as a friend but wouldn't tell me why. I can only assume it's because I still have a slight ability to keep Nick out of the Christian bubble, and because she wasn't able to get me to abandon what makes me me at my core as she did with him.

Soon after, Nick tells me we can't be roommates because I'm not Christian enough...He needs to find someone he can pray with all day, not just before meals, and read the bible with constantly. It's all an ego thing... "I believe in this, so I MUST be right, those who don't agree with me are lesser". It's how wars start, it is what is wrong with the world. I was devastated but still foolishly tried to believe I was his best friend.

We were fighting a lot. But things finally got bettered when he apologized, and said his judgement of me was not 'Christ-Like' but that he still didn't want tot renew the lease. Whatever I thought, it sucks but atleast we'd still have eachother in our lives. We decided to spend a 'bro' day together the next day after work...This was the end. On our way back from the gym, he decided he missed Monica (Even though he saw her every day) and made plans to hang out with her that night. I was really hurt because he knew I was in a vulnrable place with all of the religious stuff and he was being such a shitty friend. He felt really bad and said it was a stupid move, that he was sorry and he felt like a dick. I said it's allright. Before he left we bought tickets for the three of us to go visit Nicks family in CA, something we were planning for months.

He goes to see Monica...He avoids me the next day...Two days later he said he felt very uncomfortable with the trip, that he wants to cancel and is moving out immediately. Because according to him and Monica, I manipulated him into buying the plane tickets. Even though it was HIS idea, and HE was the one who kept saying things like "I can't wait to see your face when you see the redwood forest, I can't wait to show you this restaurant, etc. etc." I don't remember ever feeling that level of pain in my life. I drove to my moms and sobbed like I hadn't since my brother died. We had so many good times together. We never feared to tell the other what they meant to us, "You're my best friend" "I love you" "You're the brother I never had". We had the deepest conversations, we knew everything about eachother. It was the most fulfilling friendship I've ever experienced. And he just walked out of my life.

He's tried to apologize since, but it will never be like it used to be. He uses words to say the right thing, but he never means this. His words are bullshit, it's his actions that show his true intentions. If he really was sorry, and really wanted to rectify things he would have asked me to be in his wedding party. I got shivers going to his wedding, because the whole thing was held in that culty church. It was really hard not being in the wedding, even though in hindsight I realize he's a shitty person and my life is better off without him. But my current best friend (who is not religious) was his best man (another long story, but the three of us were like the three amigos). That was hard, I really wanted to be a part of that like he asked me to be.

That is my experience with Christianity. It has left me very bitter towards religion. It has taken my best friend and my roommate away. It has devastated me. I will no longer be going to church, but I will continue to live as I always have, believing that you should do unto others as you would have others do unto you. The Christians I've met have all seemed to miss that part.

TL;DR -Submerged myself in a Christian church with best friend and his new, always Christian gf this past year. I don't believe bible was divinely inspired. She does, so by association he does, which has lead to the downfall of our friendship because of her inability to accept people for who they are, and his insecurity of losing her.