#my recent obsession is the reason why my art style changed so much!

[taniamitsu]

Remember when this stupid meme became popular?? Well here is my take!

[beesmygod]

i have noticed through your previews that you use the same gutter width for all of your panels. to me, that is a styling associated with short newspaper-type comics, where long form comics tend to use gutter size as a pacing element. im curious why you chose this style for ags.

great question. not one i've thought to ask myself. after thinking about it, there's probably a few reasons?

when the comic first started and the art was worse, i drew my gutters in the most insane way possible which lead to drastically inconsistently sized gutters. changing to a more consistent way of creating them lent the comic a thin veneer of professionalism and made it look like i knew what i was doing. i craved feeling professional, at the time.

this is a large, looming overarching problem in making serially updating comics on a drip feed: when the audience is getting one page twice a week, you are fighting to equalize the innate need to maximize the amount of information being delivered to the viewer against the need to maintain good pacing. keeping the gutters small and unobtrusive makes more room for "information" (drawings and text) to be conveyed.

tying into the previous one: it feels "wasteful" in a stupid way to use so much of the limited page space on gutters when i've been using them/thinking of them exclusively for breaking up sequential action

AGS does have a lot DNA that originates from newspaper comics. my earliest comic obsessions were calvin and hobbes, bloom county (did not understand it at all outside of the character driven jokes, but adored it), far side, peanuts, garfield collections from scholastic book fairs, etc

despite knowing about this comics technique and seeing it being utilized very well in other comics, it never occurs to me to do it. i've been doing things with no gutters more. which isnt REALLY the same, but maybe this will spur me to experiment a little bit more.

it seems like i tend to express time changing in more direct ways. recent ("recent") example is this page of jack from the previous chapter moving from one location to another by dedicating a page to following him, seeing what he sees.

i don't know if this worked. anyway that was fun/interesting to think about. thank you for asking such a good question. it made me think.

[polyhexian]

hellloooo!!! i was a big fan of your fics from i think over a year ago (?) now and then my life got busy and i couldnt keep up w your newer fics :( i just wanted to say reading mh and eventually with sooo many consecutive chapters has been an absolute delight, not only is it a brilliant read with such fantastic ideas (you bet ive caught up on as much jasper lore as i can find under the tags) but youre such a consistent writer i was shocked to see the times between the chapters postings!! how do you do it? my writing style changes per MINUTE im very impressed!!!! this is so cool!!!

ps. i was wondering if you ever plan to write more oneshots about hunter in the canon universe (ish, ykwim!!), or if youve moved on now to your own aus?? no complaints either way i LOVEEE all your toh work, but your vee & hunter fics DO hold a special place in my toh-based heart and i was wondering if there'd ever be more?

I think one of my strengths is that I'm good at changing styles, both at writing and art! It's obviously a lot more noticeable in art, so I've gotten lots of comments from people who are used to seeing one style from me really surprised to see me do stuff that looks totally differently. I think I'm pretty good at it in writing, too! I've got lots of fics written totally differently and I hope they're all good. I think my second person work is my best though, teehee.

I've been jasperbrained for awhile but I DO actually have a ton of ideas I've scribbled in my notes for non jasper fanfics in my notes, even if I haven't written them. AND I've actually got a vee and hunter fic I've got outlined that I've been rotating in my head recently that I just need to sit down and DO but I totally do intend to. I think it's gonna be a really good one. It's about like, how and why vee is able and willing to forgive him even though he killed one of the other basilisks, how she could not only forgive him but live and trust him as a beloved brother. Cuz it's something I have a lot of feelings about, like, vee, who she is, how she thinks, her reasoning and her feelings. And I really wanna share them!!!!

I don't know if I'm really gonna post lots of non au toh fics again like I was... I have a tendency to go through cycles. ADHD brain. So like six months, a year, I will do One Thing and absolutely nothing else. Like I will be writing fanfic obsessively or I'll be animating 12 hours a day and nothing else or I will do nothing but original content or nothing but a fandom. And unfortunately I do not control the brain fjejfjfn rip. So I cannot predict if my brain will decide I'm allowed to again or not! But whatever the brain says I can do I hope is good and will be enjoyed by someone, but also I totally understand when it's like "welp. That is definitely not something I'm here for" lol. I am always swinging around between stuff.

[haru-dipthong]

Doing a lil rebrand. This is the blog previously known as jimmy-dipthong. After coming out as agender, I've kept my gendered birth name irl (which is not jimmy, fyi) cause I don't have thaat much of a problem with the gendered aspect of it, and I like it quite a bit. But I didn't see a reason why not to go fully gender neutral online. Haru is a short version of my middle name, and is a very gender neutral japanese name (like Alex in english I guess).

New pic! I redrew my profile pic to actually include me, and to update the images in the background to better represent more recent developments in the blog.

The first thing you’ll probably notice is that yotsuba is gone! Replaced by a drawing of me in the same style. Here’s some selfies :)

I felt like I wanted to express more of irl me in my blog’s identity.

Here’s a rundown of the changes to the stuff in the background of the new profile pic:

翻訳こんにゃく！(top left) A reference to Doraemon, it represents the art of translation. I feel like my blog has been veering slightly away from language acquisition and into translation as my proficiency in Japanese has evolved, so it seemed fitting to show that.

Dice (mid left) I haven’t really posted about tabletop game design, but I still want to represent it in the blog. Maybe when Crown of Thieves gets picked up by a publisher I’ll talk more about it (manifesting manifesting)

Abstract art of a burger (top right) It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted explicitly about my quest to understand what a “burger” is, but I feel it’s an important part of the blog’s identity. Every post I make takes me a step further in understanding semiotics, definitions, and the effect of the linguistic domain on understanding.

Agender flag (bottom right) I’m posting more about gender, since I’m currently obsessed with learning more about the theory. It’s interesting how easily it has slotted into all the theorising I’ve been doing about semiotics and translation! Everything is the same as everything else!

Blobfish (bottom left) More on this in a later post. The blobfish is a metaphor, representing how the pure meaning that exists in the psychic plane is ruptured and disfigured by its forcible extraction into the linguistic domain. In other words, the meaning of a word gets super fucked up when you try to write a definition for it.

Anyway thanks to everyone who follows and reads the blog! よろしくおねがいします！

[ctbooks]

Boyz to Men: The Rumpus Interviews Alex Kazemi

by Miah Jeffra

Alex Kazemi’s novel New Millennium Boyz (Permuted Press, 2023) is a divisive book. It may piss you off, may offend you, may have you nodding your head to its reality-TV reality, a hazily self-reflexive gesture of the early millennium’s particular brand of pop culture consciousness. Heavily dialogical and uniquely sparse in reflective voice—despite being written from teen Brad Sela’s perspective—the novel reads more like a screenplay stitched together by saturated scenes of suburban banality and angst, largely concerning Brad’s troubling friendship with goth-kid Lusif and emo-stoner Shane. There is so much violent, racist and sexist overtone to the three teens’ interactions that it feels like we’re watching a mashup of The Doom Generation and Beavis and Butthead. Think Brett Easton Ellis. Think Larry Clark. Think deeply unsettling, especially as readers influenced and informed by the last two decades forced to look back. 

Born, raised and currently living in the Vancouver area, Kazemi began working in the fashion and music industry at 15, and emerged as a pop culture journalist, working for Dazed, King Kong and Prim, among others. His early experience inhabiting this—as Kazemi calls—“post-empire world” clearly influences the novel, flooded with sharp critiques and observations of Y2K music, from Blink 182 to Fiona Apple, backdropped by the popularization of the internet and reality-TV. 

New Millennium Boyz serves to indict our recent past as a caustic soup of creative expression, cynicism and techno-reality, a Baudrillard-ian horror film where the characters won’t stop watching themselves, and through gritted teeth simultaneously implore the reader, have we changed all that much? Using our current techno-reality, Kazemi and I chatted over Zoom to explore this question.

* * *

The Rumpus: We obviously see your knowledge of music and culture and fashion all over this book. Why did you decide that you needed to write this story as a novel?

Alex Kazemi: When I was 18, I started writing notes. I uploaded the first 50 pages onto Tumblr and a lot of teenagers really resonated with it. I got a lot of messages and, as viral as things could go in 2013, it did. It wasn't initially concerning style or aesthetic or anything. I was only taking from what I knew back then. As I grew up, however, the meanings of those initial pages changed. I lost a certain innocence.

As the world became crazier, as my 20s became more turbulent, there were more intense emotions that I wanted to explore. I had to grow, practice, change, and evolve. This book is so different from the original Tumblr manuscript, but the reason it was a novel was because that's just what felt right.

Rumpus: In several moments in the novel, the dialogue runs together so much that you don't even know who's speaking. The characters blur. Why?

Kazemi: I remember working with my editor on the locker room scene where the boys are talking about girls and porn. I was like, “I have to include speaker indicators.” They're like, “No, because all the boys are just the same in the scene. They're all amorphous, facets of the extreme teen-boy experience.” I think that in that era—maybe every era—there were so many mixed messages of what it means to be a boy, what masculinity meant, the violence of it, that’s not explored much in art.

Rumpus: Why do you have it set right at the dawn of the millennium?

Kazemi: I was perplexed and fascinated by our culture becoming so obsessed with Y2K. I wanted to unmask the corporate, buzz-feed-type nostalgia for that era and create more of a gritty, voyeuristic version of teen-hood. What if we take the voice from American Pie and explore the darker aspects of that world? I wanted to show that these themes that we're dealing with currently in our culture, of hyper reality and the Internet age, emerged back then. 

Rumpus: You're very interested in the consumerism that is bound in this hypermediated society. Do you feel like we were worse off 20 years ago than we are now?

Kazemi: I often think about this. We look at Gen Z, who are so openly queer, openly celebrating their POC-ness, anything that makes them different. And then we rewind twenty years ago and it looks like we are now better off. How have we been able to make that progress if we didn't have social media, if technology didn't accelerate in the way it did? I don't know the answer to that. But it's often something I think about. I think maybe in certain ways we were more intelligent about our moderation around screen time. You open a magazine, and eventually it ends, right? An Instagram feed doesn't end. A TikTok feed doesn't end.

Rumpus: Do you feel like that is one of the functions of all the sexism, the racism, the homophobia of the characters in your novel, for us to look back twenty years ago and see how far we've come?

Kazemi: I particularly made the characters like that to show what the culture amongst white men was encouraging at the time. It’s definitely not a celebration of it, but more so holding up a mirror to how those issues were presented in that time period. Twenty years later we're supposed to look at it and be like, “Holy fuck, this is how people talked. This was normal. Why was it like that? And why did we allow it to be like that? And why did we associate it with creative freedom?” 

Rumpus: So, you’re suggesting media of the time was packaged in this effort to celebrate creative freedom, when in fact, it seemed to indulge in aspects of our own culture’s hatred?

Kazemi: If kids are listening to Adam Carolla on Love Line and he says something objectionable, they don’t have the clear ability to critique it like we do now. They were inside of it. They were participating in the culture. For us to say that our media doesn't encourage certain impulses in us is just absurd. Of course, we can't control who is consuming the media. I'm not saying violent movies creates school shooters, but I'm saying there are unwell people who are not equipped to handle this content, and it can unfold into madness.

Rumpus: One of those examples would be the protagonist, Brad? 

Kazemi: Brad is in this masochistic male friendship [with Lusif], yet he also fears losing him. A level of trauma bonding.

Rumpus: Do you think that is born of some desperate need for young males to share intimacy, that they would let someone like Lusif abuse them, because at least they were experiencing an intimacy with another male, without reproach, that isn't fostered in our culture?

Kazemi: Absolutely. I think that these young men who, for instance, pledge a frat are really looking for a shared intimacy amongst other men. They're desperate for communication and physical intimacy that feels safe for them and their sexuality. Brad was so intimacy-starved that he would let someone bad like Lusif into his life. I think boys in our culture are in that state of starvation a lot, and that's pretty scary to think of what they're capable of doing in that malnourished state. I was trying to display the way teenage boys have to manage being a good boy to their family while behind the scenes they have all these unresolved feelings around sex and violence and drugs. They're this weird, netherworld creature that's not a boy, not a man, managing this middle-space. They are processing a lot of unresolved sexual energy. It's something that is provoking a very extreme reaction in readers, which is so weird to me because I never predicted that. I definitely have a better understanding of the prose that most people like, and I don't think I went the traditional route.

Rumpus: You averted the traditional route by being so heavily dialogical without much access to Brad’s interiority?

Kazemi: That's interesting because a lot of people say that's a lot of telling. But it's fucked up because in my head, I was like, “Oh, I'm showing their reality. I'm almost creating reality TV, setting it up with minimum imagery, and then getting to watch the conversation.”

Rumpus: Maybe these critics are summoning classic tropes of storytelling when reviewing this book. I think what you said resonates with me. The book mirrors the reality television narrative. Minimal situation and lots of dialogue and reaction.

Kazemi: There are these moments of suburban romanticism in our culture, of hanging out in the 7-Eleven parking lot, smoking—American rites of passages that would resonate with the typical Total Request Live watcher. I definitely did try to create those tiny moments of suburban claustrophobia. The book resembles a three- to four-hour nineties teen movie. It's like an extended cut. I'm shocked that I did it and also that I was so insistent with my publisher to stay true to my vision. Obviously, it's not something I want to do again, this type of style, but it is a bit jarring.

Rumpus: You say you're probably not going to write a novel like this again. Do you have another project on the horizon?

Kazemi: I definitely have ideas, but much like the Madonna school, I'm all about reinvention, thinking of different ways to tell stories. I want to stay in the novel medium and I want to write more books, but I have to figure out what comfort zone I’m going to push against next. ________________________________________ Miah Jeffra is author of four books, most recently The Violence Almanac and the novel American Gospel. Miah is co-founder of Whiting Award-winning queer and trans literary collaborative, Foglifter Press, and teaches creative writing and decolonial studies at Sonoma State University.

[therumpus]

Boyz to Men: The Rumpus Interviews Alex Kazemi

by Miah Jeffra

Alex Kazemi’s novel New Millennium Boyz (Permuted Press, 2023) is a divisive book. It may piss you off, may offend you, may have you nodding your head to its reality-TV reality, a hazily self-reflexive gesture of the early millennium’s particular brand of pop culture consciousness. Heavily dialogical and uniquely sparse in reflective voice—despite being written from teen Brad Sela’s perspective—the novel reads more like a screenplay stitched together by saturated scenes of suburban banality and angst, largely concerning Brad’s troubling friendship with goth-kid Lusif and emo-stoner Shane. There is so much violent, racist and sexist overtone to the three teens’ interactions that it feels like we’re watching a mashup of The Doom Generation and Beavis and Butthead. Think Brett Easton Ellis. Think Larry Clark. Think deeply unsettling, especially as readers influenced and informed by the last two decades forced to look back. 

Born, raised and currently living in the Vancouver area, Kazemi began working in the fashion and music industry at 15, and emerged as a pop culture journalist, working for Dazed, King Kong and Prim, among others. His early experience inhabiting this—as Kazemi calls—“post-empire world” clearly influences the novel, flooded with sharp critiques and observations of Y2K music, from Blink 182 to Fiona Apple, backdropped by the popularization of the internet and reality-TV. 

New Millennium Boyz serves to indict our recent past as a caustic soup of creative expression, cynicism and techno-reality, a Baudrillard-ian horror film where the characters won’t stop watching themselves, and through gritted teeth simultaneously implore the reader, have we changed all that much? Using our current techno-reality, Kazemi and I chatted over Zoom to explore this question.

* * *

The Rumpus: We obviously see your knowledge of music and culture and fashion all over this book. Why did you decide that you needed to write this story as a novel?

Alex Kazemi: When I was 18, I started writing notes. I uploaded the first 50 pages onto Tumblr and a lot of teenagers really resonated with it. I got a lot of messages and, as viral as things could go in 2013, it did. It wasn't initially concerning style or aesthetic or anything. I was only taking from what I knew back then. As I grew up, however, the meanings of those initial pages changed. I lost a certain innocence.

As the world became crazier, as my 20s became more turbulent, there were more intense emotions that I wanted to explore. I had to grow, practice, change, and evolve. This book is so different from the original Tumblr manuscript, but the reason it was a novel was because that's just what felt right.

Rumpus: In several moments in the novel, the dialogue runs together so much that you don't even know who's speaking. The characters blur. Why?

Kazemi: I remember working with my editor on the locker room scene where the boys are talking about girls and porn. I was like, “I have to include speaker indicators.” They're like, “No, because all the boys are just the same in the scene. They're all amorphous, facets of the extreme teen-boy experience.” I think that in that era—maybe every era—there were so many mixed messages of what it means to be a boy, what masculinity meant, the violence of it, that’s not explored much in art.

Rumpus: Why do you have it set right at the dawn of the millennium?

Kazemi: I was perplexed and fascinated by our culture becoming so obsessed with Y2K. I wanted to unmask the corporate, buzz-feed-type nostalgia for that era and create more of a gritty, voyeuristic version of teen-hood. What if we take the voice from American Pie and explore the darker aspects of that world? I wanted to show that these themes that we're dealing with currently in our culture, of hyper reality and the Internet age, emerged back then. 

Rumpus: You're very interested in the consumerism that is bound in this hypermediated society. Do you feel like we were worse off 20 years ago than we are now?

Kazemi: I often think about this. We look at Gen Z, who are so openly queer, openly celebrating their POC-ness, anything that makes them different. And then we rewind twenty years ago and it looks like we are now better off. How have we been able to make that progress if we didn't have social media, if technology didn't accelerate in the way it did? I don't know the answer to that. But it's often something I think about. I think maybe in certain ways we were more intelligent about our moderation around screen time. You open a magazine, and eventually it ends, right? An Instagram feed doesn't end. A TikTok feed doesn't end.

Rumpus: Do you feel like that is one of the functions of all the sexism, the racism, the homophobia of the characters in your novel, for us to look back twenty years ago and see how far we've come?

Kazemi: I particularly made the characters like that to show what the culture amongst white men was encouraging at the time. It’s definitely not a celebration of it, but more so holding up a mirror to how those issues were presented in that time period. Twenty years later we're supposed to look at it and be like, “Holy fuck, this is how people talked. This was normal. Why was it like that? And why did we allow it to be like that? And why did we associate it with creative freedom?” 

Rumpus: So, you’re suggesting media of the time was packaged in this effort to celebrate creative freedom, when in fact, it seemed to indulge in aspects of our own culture’s hatred?

Kazemi: If kids are listening to Adam Carolla on Love Line and he says something objectionable, they don’t have the clear ability to critique it like we do now. They were inside of it. They were participating in the culture. For us to say that our media doesn't encourage certain impulses in us is just absurd. Of course, we can't control who is consuming the media. I'm not saying violent movies creates school shooters, but I'm saying there are unwell people who are not equipped to handle this content, and it can unfold into madness.

Rumpus: One of those examples would be the protagonist, Brad? 

Kazemi: Brad is in this masochistic male friendship [with Lusif], yet he also fears losing him. A level of trauma bonding.

Rumpus: Do you think that is born of some desperate need for young males to share intimacy, that they would let someone like Lusif abuse them, because at least they were experiencing an intimacy with another male, without reproach, that isn't fostered in our culture?

Kazemi: Absolutely. I think that these young men who, for instance, pledge a frat are really looking for a shared intimacy amongst other men. They're desperate for communication and physical intimacy that feels safe for them and their sexuality. Brad was so intimacy-starved that he would let someone bad like Lusif into his life. I think boys in our culture are in that state of starvation a lot, and that's pretty scary to think of what they're capable of doing in that malnourished state. I was trying to display the way teenage boys have to manage being a good boy to their family while behind the scenes they have all these unresolved feelings around sex and violence and drugs. They're this weird, netherworld creature that's not a boy, not a man, managing this middle-space. They are processing a lot of unresolved sexual energy. It's something that is provoking a very extreme reaction in readers, which is so weird to me because I never predicted that. I definitely have a better understanding of the prose that most people like, and I don't think I went the traditional route.

Rumpus: You averted the traditional route by being so heavily dialogical without much access to Brad’s interiority?

Kazemi: That's interesting because a lot of people say that's a lot of telling. But it's fucked up because in my head, I was like, “Oh, I'm showing their reality. I'm almost creating reality TV, setting it up with minimum imagery, and then getting to watch the conversation.”

Rumpus: Maybe these critics are summoning classic tropes of storytelling when reviewing this book. I think what you said resonates with me. The book mirrors the reality television narrative. Minimal situation and lots of dialogue and reaction.

Kazemi: There are these moments of suburban romanticism in our culture, of hanging out in the 7-Eleven parking lot, smoking—American rites of passages that would resonate with the typical Total Request Live watcher. I definitely did try to create those tiny moments of suburban claustrophobia. The book resembles a three- to four-hour nineties teen movie. It's like an extended cut. I'm shocked that I did it and also that I was so insistent with my publisher to stay true to my vision. Obviously, it's not something I want to do again, this type of style, but it is a bit jarring.

Rumpus: You say you're probably not going to write a novel like this again. Do you have another project on the horizon?

Kazemi: I definitely have ideas, but much like the Madonna school, I'm all about reinvention, thinking of different ways to tell stories. I want to stay in the novel medium and I want to write more books, but I have to figure out what comfort zone I’m going to push against next. ________________________________________ Miah Jeffra is author of four books, most recently The Violence Almanac and the novel American Gospel. Miah is co-founder of Whiting Award-winning queer and trans literary collaborative, Foglifter Press, and teaches creative writing and decolonial studies at Sonoma State University.

[astronomical-bagel]

You don’t mind telling us what your fav and least iterations of each of the boys are?

first off, I love how you don't even have to specify who 'the boys' are its just immediately obvious that ur talking about the turtles XD

Im not too familiar with all the iterations -- I started watching rottmnt in early September/late August, and I only started branching out to other iterations (mutant mayhem and 2012) in October. I'm about to watch the Bayverse versions today, if everything goes to plan, because I saw the elevator scene and was immediately endeared <3, and I'm planning on watching the tmnt x Batman movie soon after that bc I've also been seeing a lot of clips of it lmao

anyways, basically the first and foremost thing for me is art style? the reason I started watching rottmnt at all is because I watched monkie kid and became absolutely obSESSED with the animation studio, Flying Bark, so the quality of the animation is really important to me.

So that puts a lot of the older shows at the bottom of my list, unfortunately 😬, but of the more recent versions my preferences are incremental and change a lot. If I had to rank my favorites from least to greatest right now, it would be:

5. bayverse 4. TMNT vs batman 3. mutant mayhem 2. rottmnt 1. 2012 tmnt

Now, my top 3 especially have like,,, barely any difference with how much I actually like them, and more of how much content they have? mutant mayhem is like. an hour an a half, rottmnt is I think 11 hours long including the movie, and 2012 is somewhere around 45 hours altogether, so its a little easy to see why its my favorite rn XD

[spiderfunkz]

MAYBE IN ANOTHER LIFE

pairings : robin buckley x gn!reader

summary : you and robin are meant for each other, and nothing could get in the way of you two. but, maybe some secrets and a clock-obsessed monster can.

words : 1.0k

warnings : ANGST (i'm sorry), character death, foul language, reader literally getting vecna'd, attachment issues, past trauma, reader doesn't have the best parents, grief.

a/n : sorry for not posting much!! i don't have any ideas recently or any motivation to write but i have some now so maybe i'll write more!! and sorry about the shitty writing and the messy plot. alsoo i sorta changed the layout for my posts, hope u like it <33 oh and the reader is a theater kid :)

you first noticed robin at your theater play. gosh, you couldn't get your eyes off of her. which is probably why you didn't get the starring role in the next play. she was just too pretty, her strawberry blonde hair, her eyes like the ocean, the pretty rings on her hands. you wanted to get to know her more than anything.

she noticed you too. your enchanting voice as you offer your lines, the way your hair was perfectly styled, you just look so pretty. robin wanted to get to know you more than anything.

the second time you saw robin was at the grocery store. it was a hot day, pretty hot for a normal day in hawkins. you were running errands and wanted to grab a cool snack before you leave the store. so, you went to the ice cream isle and grabbed the last mint-chip flavored cone, and thats when you saw robin.

her hand touched yours as she stuttered, trying to find the right words to apologize. "sorry, i- i didn't know you wanted this too". she apologized. "it's fine. you're robin right?"

"yeah! y/n right? i'm pretty sure we have the same english and art class. and uh i saw your play as well." robin nodded.

she noticed you in your classes too? if you weren't in a grocery store right now you would probably start screaming like shit.

"oh yeah! and thanks for going to my play as well." you smile causing robin to go red. robin swore that your smile would save her from anything.

"of course, you were really.. really, really great there. i loved it! and i'm really excited to see more." robin complimented. "awh, thank you! that really means a lot. but i don't think theres gonna be much" you laugh. "why? you were amazing up there" robin questioned.

because i was staring at you, no. you cannot say that.

"uh mrs. smith wanted to see more of the other students you know? i've been up there for a bit so it'll be nice to see someone else." you lie as robin nodded.

"um anyways, you wanted this?" you ask, handing out the ice cream. "oh yeah, you can have it though, i mean you were there first and i don't mind"

"no, no it's fine. you can have it, i insist" you say, giving the ice cream to robin. "oh, thanks! well, i better get going now. it was really nice talking to you, y/n." robin smiles.

oh my god were you in love.

but now, nothing is nice about whats going on. after talking to robin a lot more you became her best friend, and then her lover. which basically meant your gonna go down with whatever shit she gets into. which also includes fighting monsters such as the mind flayer and vecna.

"a normal summer sounds really nice right now." you say. you are now currently in the wheeler's basement with robin while waiting for nancy to figure out a plan upstairs.

"maybe after we kill this creep, we can have a normal summer together." she smiles, holding your hand tightly. "yeah, together." you smile, kissing her cheek.

you love robin so much, the moment you saw her in the crowd of your play, you knew she was the one for you, or... maybe is it because you got to attached so quickly? that was a bad habit of yours.

your parents never really give you the attention you needed, do they even try? you never felt loved by them, you don't think they even like you very much. they're never there for you. it was always you and yourself, alone. that's one of the reasons you wanted to join theater so badly, the attention and validation you get. you feel loved and happy. theater makes you feel loved. robin makes you feel loved.

"y/n? y/n? you okay?" robin asks. you didn't realized you blanked out a bit. "oh, yeah i'm fine sorry" you say, reassuring her with a smile. "oh okay good. i thought you were about to start ranting or something" she laughed. "rant? about what?" you chuckle nervously.

"how you think that i actually love you?" robin scoffs. you shook your head, this is just a nightmare, she does love you. "what? do you really think i care about you? love you? you don't really learn do you?" robin continues.

no, no, that's not robin. her eyes were blank as her smile turns veiny, morphing into this sort of monster. "pathetic aren't you? thinking that your finally loved by someone."

a clock chime strucks your ear as tears started falling down from your eyes. "robin!" you shout. "robin! steve! someone please!" you shout, backing into a corner.

"robin cannot help you. no one can help you. you see you belong to me now." it says. "no." you shook your head as its bloody hand reach closer and closer to your face. "she does not care. she never did" it continues.

"that's not true." you cry.

"stop lying to yourself. you cannot win, this is your destiny, this is how you end." it stated, you feel your body go numb as you feel yourself rising. "and no one can save you"

you couldn't fight it anymore, it was too strong. you couldn't feel anything at all, and everything was pitch black. all you were left with was the muffled screaming of your love, shouting your name. but you couldn't reply, because it was all over now.

"no! no! no! y/n please, please, please don't leave me" robin cries, holding your now dead body close to her. "please y/n, please i need you." she pants. "steve! nancy! help!" robin continues shouting.

steve comes down along with the others as they saw your bloody body. "help! we need help please!" robin cries out as nancy rushes as checks your pulse. there was nothing there.

"i'm sorry." nancy says, hugging robin as she cries on her shoulder. you were gone, and no one could help you anymore.

[patton-sanders-killed-a-man]

I love the comic and I miss it, and I hope you're doing well

What happened to Patton-sanders-killed-a-man?

Well the short version is: ⦁ trauma ⦁ school ⦁ I had set up an unrealistic precedent for myself

And now you can skip to the Read-More to see the ask-blogs originally planned plotline alongside the panels of the unfinished last update, but if you want the long version:

Patton-sanders-killed-a-man was the first of my creative ventures that ever garnered a notable amount, with me making comics since I was 13, though all of my previous projects got little to no attention. So obviously when the ask-blog blew up, 16-year-old me was ecstatic, but very much not ready to handle it. Not only was this my first project to receive this amount of attention, but I also lacked experience as a writer, and with a medium of storytelling as fickle as an ask-blog in which the plot can change drastically depending on the asker's actions, it was not a good combination.

I mostly wrote the story on the fly, with an outline (which you can read under the Read-More) composed of cool ideas I had and various dark themes I was fascinated with but didn't have the emotional maturity to discuss. But the worst writing decision I made was making the inciting incident, the thing that led Patton to kill "Johnny", based on a personal trauma of mine, one I was in denial about. However by the last update, something happened that forced me to acknowledge it, and after that, I was no longer comfortable with the story I had set up.

That combined with the fact that School Was Kicking My Ass (which to be fair was mostly due to my own overambition) forcing me to shift my focus away from the ask-blog. I had also set up an unrealistic precedent for myself, with updates getting longer and longer. It was unsustainable, but with the pressure I placed on myself I didn't know how to go back from that and make the process easier for myself.

(this isn't even to mention all the different ways I made the art process itself horribly time inefficient, like the way I obsessed over perfect line art, choosing a semi-realistic art style rather than something less time-consuming, not creating character design sheets to help me stay on model, obsessing over wrinkles in the clothing, spending ages taking my own reference photos, redrawing panels over and over because I'm unsatisfied with them. If you're thinking of making an askblog/a comic, if you can't make a single-character panel in 10-20 minutes with your current art process you gotta figure out a style that does allow you to do that. There is a reason why 90% of Homestuck looks like crap til shit gets serious, ok. Please don't do what I did)

I had been running purely on fumes, and the second those ran out, I fell out of love with the story I created.

…

Well, that was a bit of a bummer, huh? But as mentioned I still have been making stuff, even if it isn't ask-blog related, for example, I just recently finished my first animated short which you can watch here:

(with its completion being mostly due to my teacher, who forced me to learn to take on more manageable projects, which I must thank her for)

I also have made a new art blog, that being @anonymous-utility and have been posting things on my youtube alongside it. I don't post often since I need to focus on IRL stuff, but it's where I post updates to all the projects I take on alongside just various other art. Even if ended far too soon, I'm still proud of this ask-blog, as it has taught me a lot. Thank you all for participating and if you choose to follow my art blog I will be seeing you soon.

Rough outline and unfinished update under the Read-More:

From what I remember, because I never actually wrote it down, as the majority of the storyline relied on the actions of the audience, but it was intended to go something like this:

⦁ Everything that has already happened

⦁ On the bus Dee would meet Virgil's younger sibling Andy (who is anxiety from the shorts), though Dee won't understand the significance of that, not knowing who Virgil is. We'd also be shown Dee's scar on his neck, all shown in the unfinished update above.

⦁ We'd later meet Dee's coworkers, Dee would log in at his desk as the interview isn't scheduled for an hour or so, and he notices that his email is full, this is the first hint that it isn't just his phone the askers can send messages to, but through technology in general- Dee is not stoked about this.

⦁ He then would meet "Johnny"'s mom and older brother (Daniel, aka the critic or Dice as referred by the fandom) They'd be using "Johnny's" real name, Renard, and we don't catch on that it's Remy, until Daniel calls him that. Overall the attitude of the two would be like this; the mother would act upset, but in a manner that makes it all about her, and Daniel would be rather cold and matter-of-fact. Daniel's attitude would frustrate his mother, leading to an argument breaking out, during which Daniel points out that she only cares because Remy is the only one of her children to never go against her, mentioning a certain Remus getting kicked out (to which the mother reacts negatively to daniel calling Remus by his chosen name). The interview ends poorly and Dee leaves the entire situation wondering how this family has ended up being so dysfunctional.

⦁ From then the askers could direct Dee toward Remus or Andy.

⦁ If directed towards Remus Dee would find him working at a library, and with a bit of time, they'd realize they recognized each other, mostly via each other's chosen names, as they were online friends but lost contact when Remus got kicked out and lost access to the internet. Remus is delighted to see Dee again after all these years but confused about why he's in the States, since Dee's Canadian, to which Dee explains that he moved to the States, moving in with Logan, their third online friend, as soon as he could to get away from his own family.

⦁ Once Remy's fate Remus is generally uncaring since his family is dead to him, "So golden boy kicked it, with how many people he pissed off it was only a matter of time, now come back to me when Roman commits manslaughter, oh wait" to which we are told that Roman is serving time for having killed someone in a car accident (something that Remus finds hilarious since he was often labeled the troublemaker out of the two).

⦁ Remus would also be somewhat weirded out by the concept of Patton being the killer, since Remus knew him via association and always thought him a bit of a wet rag, then again even 50's housewives snap eventually. They exchange contact information and go their separate ways.

⦁ After this Remus becomes available to the askers, taking the form of a strange figure that only Remus can see that hangs in the corners that can stare at Remus and make various gestures, though that takes coordination as they would be controlled by various people. Remus would at first try to ignore this strange figure, having experienced hallucinations in the past, but if the askers become more aggressive in trying to get Remus to pay attention to them Remus may become more desperate to get rid of them.

⦁ If the askers direct Dee towards Andy we learn that Virgil went missing three years ago

⦁ At this point, the plot becomes more vague as I hadn't planned that far ahead aside from the major plot points.

⦁ After having spent so much time with Dee, we'd cut back to Logan. Any asks directed to him will not go through the phone, unless Dee is present. Instead, askers' messages would get scratched into Logan's skin, specifically on his arms, and if the askers become particularly aggressive, especially with Logan refusing to acknowledge them due to the absurdity of this situation, the messages would begin to cut into Logan's skin rather than just scratch. This is an issue due to Logan being a high school Comp Sci teacher and really needing to not bleed in front of his student if he wants to keep his job. Logan got his priorities in order.

⦁ This will be the first time the askers would have the option to directly hurt someone

⦁ Logan will not tell Dee about this, due to the absurdity of it and due to his history with depression, he worries that Dee would think he did it to himself.

⦁ Either way, the deadline for Dee's article is closing in and he must make a decision on how to frame the narrative.

⦁ But first, we cut back to Patton. It's the 12th of May, 2020, and he has gotten as far away as he could and is currently in the woods. He is not doing well, and he hasn't heard the askers in the past two days, with him being certain he has imagined them. Once they flood back in it startles him, and he reacts loudly, loud enough to attract a passerby.

⦁ That passerby is Virgil. Patton does not react well, thinking that he started seeing things as well. But once Virgil confirms that he is in fact realm that only replaces the problem of potential visions with the problem of meeting his estranged friend who he hasn't talked to in three years. Virgil quickly forgives him, however, especially after Patton awkwardly states that he is homeless, to which Virgil assumes Remy to be the cause, stating "he took your shit and ran, I told you he wasn't to be trusted", offering a place to stay.

⦁ I didn't have much planned for Virgil, and at the time I was unsure if I just wanted him to be a paranoid guy who decided to live off the grid or… a genuine serial killer who sold people's organs. Needless to say, the second option was certainly a thing my 16-year-old self came up with and it's not a concept current me stands by.

⦁ Either way after this interaction Virgil would become open to asks, with the askers becoming able to slightly move things to garner his attention, though this ability would be limited to asks directed to Virgil only.

⦁ These interactions between the askers and Virgil will spark an obsession in him, as he always feared and was fascinated by the other-worldly since childhood.

⦁ Through the course of the story, Virgil and Patton would grow closer, with Patton eventually confessing to what he did and the circumstances that lead him to do it. Virgil stays on his side, and this leads Patton to grow comfortable, enough that with the help of Virgil he grows to accept his identity.

⦁ Cutting back to Dee, no matter the tone of the article the askers stay, and now it's not just his phone that the messages are being directed towards him through, but all the technology around him, and no one seems to be aware of this aside from him and Logan, eventually becoming convinced the only way to get the askers off his back is to get Patton done in since he appears to be the source of all this, resulting in Dee tracking Patton down and getting him arrested - this solves nothing.

⦁ After a breakdown from Dee, Remus, Logan, and Dee realize they have the same problem, and Remus gets in contact with a coworker and friend of his who is into the Otherworldly.

⦁ That's when it's revealed the askers are an interdimensional entity called The Audience, a creature with uncountable eyes and mouths, and the more people it gets in contact with the closer it gets to gaining physical form, with the sixth person contacted being its gateway.

⦁ The Audience's motive? To take control of the "story" and mold it in its own image.

⦁ Going back to Patton, he meets Roman, who's doing time for manslaughter. Their meeting goes as well as the one between a killer and the younger brother of the victim since Roman was closer to Remy than Remus was. But their meeting also results in Roman becoming open for the askers, this manifesting in them getting control of his left hand, eventually climbing all the way up to his shoulder.

⦁ All the while the askers can manipulate Virgil into breaking into prison, as the prison contains what they both want. With Virgil, he not only wants Patton back but has also become convinced that The Audience/the askers are his dark patron god and serving them is the only way to regain control over his life and be able to do something other than live at the edge of society in terror, while the askers want Roman not only because he's the gateway but also The Audience gains physical form they'll gain full control of the story, perhaps even allowing them to rewind back to prevent the inciting incident from occurring.

⦁ Of course, askers not aligned with this goal can warn the Intruloceit crew (Dee, Remus, and Logan) about what's happening but it will be pretty difficult to make them trust you after all that has happened.

⦁ The rest goes as one would expect from a cosmic horror climax, Virgil tries to get The Audience into their dimension, and Patton probably goes through with it with promises of having his crimes erased and being able to feel safe again after all that happened, but the Intruloceit gang show up armed with knowledge from Remus's friend and seal the gateway, Remus makes fun of Roman for being the cult sacrifice rather the dashing hero and then therapy.

⦁ The very last scene of the ask-blog is Picany alone in his office as suddenly an ask gets sent through his email, asking whether he will be involved in the plot.

⦁ The End

All in all a big part of the story would be my own fascination with the potential of ask-blogs serving as a vehicle for cosmic horror, especially with the audience being the source of said horror. Other than that the ask-blog's themes would center around identity and various forms of violence and how one can find themselves the victim of said violence, and other sensitive subjects 16-year-old me was not prepared to handle (nor had the time to with how long this story would have been, comics take a long as while to through their plots yall).

But I have grown since then and have actually finished one of my projects for once (cough please watch 'She gets eaten by the end *cough) and I'm a better writer for it, as well as just better at managing my time. While I won't give any guarantees, with IRL stuff taking the majority of my time, in my free time I have been working on an illustrated horror novel that I plan to release for free once it's finished, so if you enjoy my younger self's writing, you may want to be on the lookout for that on my art blog ;]

[raine-kai]

Contextualizing the Messy AkiHaru Scene

So...it came to my attention that a lot of translations of the scene where Akihiko crashes at Haruki's house in chapter 20 of the manga or the anime movie suggest that nothing happened more than we see in the panels/on the screen.

This is a translation error. The Japanese is unambiguous that a lot happened during the scene break; the art backs this up, in the change to Haruki's hairstyle from before to after the scene break.

Mainly, I want to retranslate for people who are interested, who didn't know that this was a mistranslation. But, I think that no matter how the scene is translated, there are subtexts and undercurrents that are lost, that cannot be simply translated into existence.

So I would like to explain several things in the lead-up to the scene in question, as well as in the aftermath, in order to hopefully give more context.

WARNINGS FOR SPOILERS AND NONCON

Notes on Translation: Given astonished me from its very first chapter with its deliberate and brilliant use of words. It is a story that is so incredibly articulate when it wants to be that moments of wordlessness or fragmented words are equally articulate, for they are crafted with as much deliberation and care as the articulate moments. As anyone knows who has ever tried to translate something, just plain translating the surface meaning of words often leaves a lot of the meaning behind. I will do my best to convey in English what the original text conveyed to me in Japanese, but it will inevitably fall short of the original text.

The Lead-In

First off, let's talk about Akihiko and the particular damage that he brings with him into this scene. He, of course, has the argument with Ugetsu and the fact that he has nowhere to go; but he has also been living this way for two years, presumably only a little longer than he has known Haruki. Akihiko describes the patterns that he and Ugetsu go through:

[Translation: "Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be.]

Later, Akihiko reveals that he has a pattern of dealing with being kicked out of the home he shares with Ugetsu by finding someone, anyone to stay with. He has come to associate these stays as transactions, where the thing that he provides is most often sex. (We also see this transaction-based approach in his relationship with Ugetsu, for whom he feels compelled to cook—a thing that he later continues for Haruki with an urgency that does not match Haruki's easygoing acceptance of this dynamic.)

In fact, we see hints that perhaps Akihiko associates crashing with someone with providing sex to a deeper degree than even he acknowledges, in a scene in volume 1 where he crashed at Haruki's apartment while drunk, and upon stating it would be too much trouble to pull out a futon, did not merely crawl into bed with Haruki, but on top of him.

[Translation: Haru: Akihiko, get a futon and sleep wherever... Aki: Whaaat? But that's so much effort... Haru: So sleep on the....floor....]

So this is a deeply engrained association for Akihiko.

However, it is also a part of his life that he has gone out of his way to conceal from Haruki. From Haruki, he has not merely concealed the many times that he has essentially prostituted himself for a place to sleep; he has also hidden from Haruki that he has any flatmate at all, much less the nature of his relationship with said flatmate.

Haruki has the idea that Akihiko used to sleep around, but does not anymore. He is blinded partly by his own desire to see only the best parts of Akihiko; he is also blinded by Akihiko's desire to only reveal the best parts of himself to Haruki.

In volume 4, we see the moment that Akihiko lets slip that he has a flatmate, and the degree to which this shakes Haruki.

But the more emotional moment for Haruki comes when he realizes that Akihiko is talking to him on the phone while having sex with a woman.

[Translation: "That was a woman.... He was totally having sex."]

No promises have been broken; no trust has been betrayed. But there is an illusion of Akihiko that Haruki has, that Akihiko himself has carefully cultivated over the recent months for a reason that even he cannot explain. It is a paper-thin illusion, that only held up because Akihiko and Haruki both wanted it there.

But now, that illusion is shattering.

This just so happens to overlap with Take suggesting that Haruki take on a support role in his ex-gf's band.

Haruki has struggled from volume 1 with insecurities. He is the band leader; he is the one who brought them together, the one who runs their social media, the one who keeps them in line. Given is a band that absolutely would never have existed without Haruki. Yet he feels outshined by the other three members. There are several scenes depicting Haruki struggling with this. Akihiko is often the one to whom he voices his insecurities, and always without fail sets him straight. There is one particular exchange, during the same conversation when Akihiko reveals that he has a flatmate, when Haruki calls himself ordinary (凡人枠) and Akihiko retorts that he is not, he is 調停者枠....which is difficult to translate, but essentially means mediator, but in this case is denoting that he is the one who brings the different pieces of the band together (both musically, and as a person). Akihiko tells him then, "You're the one that everybody seeks," with a particular look in his eyes even as he reaches for Haruki's face. (Haruki pulls away and Akihiko pulls back and laughs it off.)

But the undercurrent is, for the first time, Haruki is beginning to see the truth of the words that he never quite believed. He is wanted and needed...he just needs to find a way to explain this to the other members of Given. In particular, Akihiko, who has always felt to Haruki like someone on equal or higher footing than himself, despite Haruki himself being older.

And these are the undercurrents at play as we head into the scene in question.

The Crucial Chapters 19-20

Akihiko shows up on Haruki's doorstop in the middle of the night, with an injured face from a fight with Ugetsu.

Haruki lets him in and they start talking as usual....but this time, it's different. They are both just a little bit at odds in a way they have never been before.

Haruki is aware, now, of a facet of Akihiko's life that until recently he had believed was left in the past.

Akihiko perceives that Haruki is hiding something, and in his typical way, immediately wants to know what it is.

This is why, when Akihiko asks his questions and asks if Haruki is hiding something, Haruki snaps back in a way we have never seen him do before:

[Tr: "[I am, but] you're one to talk!"]

Akihiko grabs Haruki by the wrist and asks again, and Haruki tells him...but throws in that the band he is doing support for is his ex's band.

Akihiko responds, "So you're going back to your ex?" and proceeds to crawl on top of Haruki to acknowledge for the first time what has always been unspoken between them: "You're in love with me, yet you're gonna run away?"

As Haruki lies sputtering for a response (he tries to pretend ignorance, but can't finish a sentence, between Akihiko pressing closer and his own shock) Akihiko reaches for Haruki's braid—the hair that Haruki has been growing out for as long as he has known Akihiko, as something like a wish charm (願掛け) for his love; the hair that Akihiko is somewhat obsessed with, taking every opportunity he can to play with it or style it—and speaks words that reveal that he is still fixated on Haruki's ex.

[Full text: 春樹さぁ、元カノがどうとか言ってたけど、お前こんなんで本当に女なんか抱いてたの？

Translation: You talk about this ex-girlfriend, Haruki, but did you seriously have sex with women like this?

Note: the こんなんで/"like this" is beautifully ambiguous. On a surface level of course it is referring to Haruki's long hair—with all the years of pining and love for Akihiko that that implies—but it also draws attention to how they are right now. The fact that Akihiko has crawled on top of Haruki as he has before, and Haruki does not fully push him away. It draws attention to the way that Akihiko himself is so central to Haruki's entire being.]

While Haruki flushes and thinks to himself, "Shut up, shut up! I did have sex with women, before I met you!" Meanwhile, Akihiko kisses him—a kiss that the art carefully does not show us lip-to-lip, either only showing us angles where we cannot see the point of contact, or focusing on the contact of only their tongues. Make no mistake, this is not a romantic kiss. This is a kiss full of frustration and pent up emotions and two years of unspoken, unacknowledged emotion brewing between these two.

Akihiko begins to strip Haruki further, and Haruki interjects, 「え、うそ、うそうそ、待った」(tr: "Wha- wait wait wait, just a sec"), which Akihiko ignores, and proceeds to begin performing oral sex on Haruki, even as he acknowledges internally that his actions are taking out his frustration with Ugetsu on Haruki.

[Note: the words Haruki uses at this point are not clear "Stop" signals. え、うそ、待った are all words that convey shock and uncertainty, and it is noteworthy that Haruki does not at any point use a word that would convey an equivalent of "Stop". That doesn't make this consensual, as his consent has not been obtained, but this is important to note, that Haruki deliberately does not ever outright tell Akihiko to stop.]

This is where Akihiko reflects on his messy relationship with Ugetsu, and the lingering hold it has on him:

Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be. Like he is urging me, "Great, here's an opportunity. Let's part ways and break up for real." Like he is shutting me out of his world by force, to reinforce that he doesn't need me. What the hell? If you don't want me, why do you allow me to hold on? If you sympathize with my holding on, why do you try to throw me away? I want to trap you. I want to escape. I want to give up. I can't fully give up. I want to touch you. I can't breathe...

And when Akihiko comes back to the present, some time has past. His shirt is gone, Haruki places a hand over Akihiko's with tears in his eyes, and for the first time, says やめてよ [approx. translation: "Please stop," but this is a very gentle way of saying it—a plea in softer language]....and then continues, そんな顔しないでよ、辛そうな顔しないでよ、なんなの？言ってよ、なんでもしてあげるから [tr: "Please stop looking like that, like you're in such pain...What is it? Please tell me. I would give you anything."]

It is the なんでもしてあげるから here that is utterly striking. @edragoon​ and I debated translations and arrived on "I would give you anything" as the best option, but even with Haruki's soft language leading up to this, even with his words so focused on Akihiko's pain, the sheer love conveyed by these words is heart-wrenching—as is the art, Haruki's hand reaching out to Akihiko's face.

Akihiko has unearthed Haruki's unspoken feeling as part of his self-destructive spiral in a move that he no doubt expected to hurt Haruki, but instead, Haruki has owned up to his no longer hidden feelings and offers all of himself to Akihiko; turns the focus back onto Akihiko and his pain, rather than on himself, as Akihiko probably expected. As no doubt has happened in similar situations with Ugetsu.

And Akihiko, caught between Haruki here and the mess in his heart that is Ugetsu, expresses resentment that these words are coming from Haruki instead of Ugetsu.

"Why did you have to be the one to say that?" Akihiko laments silently, and then out loud,

[tr: "Telling you won't change anything."]

He follows this up with a small, "Sorry," and wonders to himself "Why couldn't it have been you?" (In Japanese, as in English, it is ambiguous whether he is wishing that Haruki were the one he wanted those words from, or that Ugetsu were the one saying those words. The last use of "you" in his internal monologue was directed at Haruki, supporting the first interpretation, but he is also lost in his head, so it would be no surprise if he is swaying back and forth.)

The scene breaks here, and on the next page, Haruki is curled up facing the back of the couch, fully dressed in new clothes and his hair now pulled back in a ponytail, and Akihiko is seated on the floor with his back to the couch, shirtless.

[Tr: "I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely in the wrong."]

Haruki responds, "That's not the part I want an apology for," even as he remembers those damning words, Telling you won't change anything.

[Tr: "...I said I'd give you anything. By the end it was basically consensual."]

Haruki goes on to say Akihiko is free to stay over, but he will be going to a friend's place.

Akihiko visibly panics, but only manages to call Haruki's name once as Haruki tells him he can use anything, can leave the door unlocked, but simply should be gone by morning.

Haruki leaves the apartment, and we see him cry as he walks through the darkened streets as those words Akihiko spoke again.

Left behind, Akihiko berates himself for how much he lets himself lean and depend (甘える) on Haruki, and he reflects on the events with his family and Ugetsu that lead him to where he is, without anywhere else to go. [NOTE: this is no doubt a significant factor in his later decision to move out of Haruki's apartment once as he goes through the process of bettering himself.] He contemplates the ways in which he has behaved towards Haruki, the parts of his own life he has almost instinctively hidden from his view.

Akihiko spends the night on the floor by the couch. (A shot of the clock at one point tells us it is 1:20am.)

We see morning dawn, and it is as Take is at work discussing lunch break that he gets a text from Akihiko, asking if he's seen Haruki. It is in the evening, when Take goes home, that he finds Haruki listless and hollow-eyed in front of his apartment.

The clock reads 9:40pm when Haruki comes home at last. Apart from the few hours he was with Take, Haruki has spent the better part of a night and a day alone who knows where.

[Tr: "Oh, you're still here"]

The hair that Akihiko had adored, the hair that Haruki had been growing since the day he met and fell for Akihiko, is cut short.

The Aftermath

The two of them don't shy away from the subtext of the last day—especially Haruki, who says blandly, "Sorry, but I'm tired after your rejection of my feelings, as you can see. Please go home." And when Akihiko tries to reach for him with a, "Wait, but—" his hand his slapped away by Haruki, who informs him, "Look, I'm angry at you." and cuts off Akihiko's attempted apology one syllable in with an admonishment that an apology will only make him angrier.

But Akihiko says what he should have said the night before—that he is at the end of his rope and has nowhere to go. He quietly asks to be permitted to stay in Haruki's apartment, assuring him that he will sleep on the floor, that he will not do anything again. He begs for Haruki to help him.

Haruki is furious.

「サイアク」the narration repeats: "[This/he] is the worst."

At last, Haruki agrees, but with the words, "If you weren't a band member, I'd throw you out."

The next day at band practice, Akihiko and Haruki are wildly out of sync, and while Haruki puts on a carefree smile for Uenoyama and Mafuyu, he is still spiraling with despair and humiliation.

And yet Akihiko too is on pins and needles, reacting with abject (though silent) horror when Uenoyama asks Haruki what's wrong.

But Haruki tells Uenoyama and Mafuyu nothing, and when he walks off and Akihiko goes after him, the words that come out of his mouth are all about his insecurities about his place in the band. About how he is too ordinary and does not belong in such a band of geniuses.

This is not what Akihiko was expecting his outburst to be about; this is also familiar territory for him, that he knows how to handle. Akihiko knows music.

He assures Haruki of why his music was off today, as he would have any other day. He assures Haruki that he is utterly deserving of his place in their band, as he has so many times before.

[Tr: "I've pretty much always told you that you're necessary, haven't I!?"]

And all at once, memories come rushing back to Haruki of so many times that Akihiko has told him of his value.

Haruki's anger loses its momentum and he deflates. They had back to Haruki's apartment, with Akihiko promising to cook dinner, as he is the freeloader. (Another nod to his tendency to view these arrangements as transactional.)

Living together proves a disillusionment process for Haruki. Of course, the night that Akihiko first came to his apartment was the enormous catalyst, but the disillusionment process continues.

All of those ways in which he had formerly idealized Akihiko crumble one after another for Haruki as they live together. Akihiko cooks, but he only has one flavor profile, and often makes fried rice. Akihiko spends most of his days on music, be it violin or the drums, and it is louder than Haruki is used to with his bass—it is also evidence that Akihiko is the musician he is because he puts in the work, not just inherent talent.

...And that brings us to the end of volume 4, so I think I shall stop here!

If you read all this way, thank you, and I hope this added something positive to your day!

[maleyanderecafe]

Toilet-bound Hanako-kun (Manga)

Created by: Iro Aida

Genre: Comedy/Supernatural

This is a long time coming to be honest. A lot of people of ten ask if there are any yanderes in Toilet-bound Hanako-kun and the answer is yes, it’s just not Hanako, but rather a side character called Aoi Akane. He is in love with the main character’s best friend Akane Aoi (I know, its confusing). There’s a lot of stuff that happens in this manga, so I would highly recommend it for people who like the supernatural genre, mysteries and a beautiful art style. 

I won’t give the full summary of this manga because there’s a lot to go through (and it sort of confuses me at times), but Aoi doesn’t actually appear as a main character until a couple of chapters in, but rather is mostly used in the background as a gag character. When we do meet him, we learn that he’s the class president and has been Akane’s best friend since he was young and has been in love with her as well. He starts out as a more comedic yandere, as he confesses multiple times a day to Akane (though he constantly gets rejected) as well as attempts to change himself to fit Akane’s image (for instance, when Akane was into more athletic guys he would body train and the reason why he’s the class president now is also because of Akane.) Aoi is also the jealous type as he’s the reason why Akane has never had a boyfriend, essentially hitting any guys that developed a crush on her. We learn later that he’s one of the seven mysteries of the school (supernatural beings that live within the school, for instance, Hanako is one of them) called the Clock keeper, whose power is to stop time for a brief period. We see that he actually uses this most of the time to stare at Aoi for fifteen minutes and gaze at her beauty (as it were). He actually also becomes a clock keeper to save Akane’s life. In the more recent chapters, Akane actually gets sent to a place called the “Near Shore”. A lot happens, but Akane tries to get Aoi killed by having him be stabbed by an insect, but in term he’s still willing to drag himself down with her as long as the two can be together. Aoi ends up convincing Akane to come back with them to the school, but by that time, it’s too late and Akane is already gone. The current chapters have a theme of Aoi attempting to try to get Akane back along with the main protagonist Nene. 

While a lot of people believe that Hanako is a yandere in this story, I don’t believe it’s really the case. There are some yandere themes between Hanako and Nene, as well as love, but the way that Hanako acts isn’t really one of a yandere, though he is often very prankster like. In my opinion, Aoi is far more a yandere considering his actions and what he’s willing to do. Most of his personality revolves around Akane, whether it be what he’s interested in or his reason for becoming one of the seven mysteries. He’s even willing to kill himself along with Akane in the Near Shore as long as the two are together. He seems rather cynical towards other people who are not Akane, and, to me is an obsessive/protective yandere towards Akane. I’m not that surprised that he is a yandere considering the author’s previous work, My Dear Living Dead, which features a yandere in there as well (and will probably be recommended pretty soon if you haven’t already read it). It does take a while for him to be part of the story and a lot of times he’s not in the story for one reason or another, but when it’s revealed that he is the Clock Keeper he plays a much more prominent role in the story. I really do hope that Akane and Aoi end up together in the end considering just how much Aoi loves Akane, but I think it really depends on the fate of Aoi and if he can finally see how much he loves her. (Now that I’m reading this again, did I mess up the names? Ugh, I’m confused.)

Again, this is a manga with a lot of different factors, so while Aoi as a yandere is great, there are a lot of other things to enjoy like the story, art and characters.

[owls-den]

My obsession with Trip really goes way back huh

Welcome to: Owl exposes their art evolution through their many itterations of Trip from Pokémon Best Wishes!

It all started circa 2011. Unfortunately, only one drawing featuring Trip survived the intense purge of any art from this dark period of my life. All I can tell you is that I also drew in 2011 a full on comic about him and you'll have to believe me on that one.

My very first digital art, in 2013, was also representing Trip with a random OC of mine (I think her name was Evangeline or something to that effect). I actually posted it years ago on a Pokémon Forum. Yeah, didn't get a whole lot of love. It is to note that this one is the SECOND drawing I made digitally of Trip. The first one is most likely still sieging in my father's old laptop. Fun fact, this was drawn on Paint.NET using a mousepad. I also found in a sketchbook another one I drew during this time period, this time with some other characters. It's kinda wild how my artstyle was fluctuating at the time.

I then came back to drawing mostly traditionally. I got a bunch of blank sketchpads in 2014 at an art store and instantly got to work and drew the entire cast of Best Wishes for some odd reason. I also found another one. While it's undated, I'm assuming it's from the same timeperiod because of the artstyle. Gosh I liked drawing twink bodies for men huh? That... contrasts a lot with the amount of JoJo looking characters I like to draw these days.

I found some odd sketches from 2015 here and there. It's mostly a try at a realistic portrait and a sketch I made with ink. I remember being very proud of those two when I first made them. I have no clue who this other character with him is meant to be though. Maybe it's still Evangeline or something. Really goes to show how much I changed my view on dynamics and such I suppose. I called it "Rolling Trainer" cause I am a genius who got way into Vocaloid in middleschool.

Next is 2016. It was lodged in a very short sketchbook I used during an internship. I LOVED oniisuu's art style and tried to do chibis like them a LOT. Also I left in the text so that we can all appreciate the cringe :DD As you can see, I sort of thought my obsession for Trip was just hate for some reason since I really didn't like Best Wishes? Like don't get me wrong, there are a LOT of things wrong with Best Wishes but with age I realized that the reason I was so angry at how it was handled was because I loved the characters and thought they deserved better treatment. So it's kind of funny to look back and see how I just genuinely thought I hated this random minor character when I'd draw him pretty much all the time.

After that, I think I took a pretty big break or just lost most of my art of him because the next I found was in 2019. It has a very self aware note next to one of the drawings and the next one has an ink illustration. We can really see how my proportions improved over the years and how my style became more defined, going more towards "semi-realistic". I personally like the shortcut on the arm. I don't think I used a reference so that makes it pretty nice honestly. Also, as you can see, that's when I started drawing Trip with his hair going a bit up for his fringe. I have NO clue why I've been doing this since recently even though it's NOT in his design but it's there.

I found another art made, I think, in 2020 this time. I had been drawing pokémon falling down for a fabric pattern and just drew every pokémon I liked from each generation, a pretty nifty thing I might show in its entirety as it spans over 10 pages or so, and I drew some trainer characters for each gen. And of course, y'all know who I drew for gen 5. I love how my note next to him is just so tired with living. I also redrew the above illustration with watercolors. Doesn't look great but eh.

I also did a redraw of one of my earlier digital art (2013) this time kinda showcasing what I like to do in term of dynamics these days. So huh prepare thyselves for 17 year olds Trip and Eva.

Buff women. Anyways, I got some small digital sketches for 2021, nothing special I never completed them. I might finish the one on the right because I genuinely like the dynamism behind it, how flowy it is, the perspective and also one of my old hc that his hoody has no sleeves.

And finally, the moment we've all waited for, 2022. I am currently 21 and this monster still has not left my head. He's here to stay so I might as well embrace it and return to my good old brain rot. It kinda all came back when I just doodled him on the back of a receipt as stupid as it is, and really, that's a good summary of the kinda place I usually draw Trip on. He always comes back, unannounced, into my life and I draw him randomly onto any surface available.

I hope you found this dive into my art journey motivational or just funny or something. One thing is sure: I'm not stopping drawing Trip. He's been living rent free in my brain for 11 years, at this point, he's staying, it's too expensive to try to evict him, I tried. So huh, if ya want more Trip content I guess follow my blog??? I'm currently making a sprite replacer for BW to turn the MC into Trip and maybe might do a sprite replacer for BW2 as well (though that'd mean redrawing all the costumes at Pokéwood... UUGHHGHGHGHHSDGHDFJSDGfyzeggf) and I also like to shitpost about him and write stupid fanfics about him sometimes so don't hesitate. I'll see you all later, take care of yourselves!!

[queenlybeastly]

I don’t think I’ve ever told people I’ve had a cat on here….

Meet Orion Pax Angel VillaSenor

So long story

I wasn’t the one who found him, that would be my aunt while driving through a McDonald’s drive-thru when she first found him. He was skinny as all hell and covered in flees, and a while later I was sent a photo of him in a box at my grandmothers house(where I lived but was at another place at the time.)

And the funny thing was that he looked exactly like a small plush cat I have. Exactly like that. And when I arrived back home he was already cleaned and eating well. Now my grandmother is allergic to cats but she just found him too cute to give him away and I always wanted a cat so…. I got to keep him. Funny thing though was that at first we all thought he was a she, and the original name was Elita, up until a few weeks later when I rechecked him… and promptly changed his name. Since then he’s grown a lot and his fur has darkened, we know who the mom is but not the dad so he’s perhaps a mixed breed. But here’s a few facts about him:

He rarely meows and when he does it sounds like he’s a 60 year old smoker

He’s obsessed with feet. He’s been given the name of ‘Nibbler’ on the account of him attacking my feet all the time.

Speaking of names, his middle name of Angel is my dads middle name. My father calls him ‘that alien’ because he rarely sees him but knows he’s there.

Once had the zoomies in the middle of the night and jumped on my guitar before going down with it. He was okay. My guitar was not.

Has a fascination with string cheese?

Has a specific style of throwing hands with me when I’m trying to make the bed. I don’t know why he thinks the covers are attacking him but he knows I’m responsible somehow.

I have created his own personas within both the transformers fandom and the predator fandom. He’s named Orion pax for a reason.

So far has two fan art pieces from friends! He’s seen them and he loves them.

So… why make this post? Well in short I’ve recently come to realize that if anyone should be remembered on the internet, specifically on this page, then it should be my cat. Yes he’s given me scratches and has bitten me on some occasions and my wallet cries because of how much I pamper him yet I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

Love ya Orion

[lilypixels]

Izzy’s Dag-Dag The Artist… Tag

By @morgynemberisagenderfluiddaddy

~ Rules ~

Show us a rendition of yourself in your own art! Can be anything! Sims render? Random stick figure? Picrew? Go nuts! (Just be sure to tag the artist if you use someone else’s picrew!!!!) Tag the blogs you want to know, and don’t be a dick that’s it! Also, feel free to answer as vague or in-depth as you want. And if you don’t want to answer a question for any reason just don’t vibe with it! Skip it if you wanna! Also make sure you tag me and use #dagdagtheartisttag so I can see it!!!!!!!!

This is a bit long so i’m just gonna...

~Questions~

1.) Do you prefer to be referred to by your name or blog name? Both are fine! I don’t care much about what people refer to me as in general and have had someone on here call me lily once

2.) Where are you from? I won’t say exact, but I live in the middle of USA (I can’t wait to move-)

3.) Do you have pets? 👀 Yes! 3 dogs and 2 cats, tho only one cat is truly “mine”

4.) Tell us about your “dream”. uhh like where I want to be in life? what I want to do? um I’m still working on the exact job title, but I wish to do research at a natural history/science museum (sorta like archives or collections manager, but neither of those are quite right i think). Otherwise, I just hope to adopt and even foster kids cause my life would not be complete without little ones :3 (spouse/partner optional lol) 

5.) Aside from art, what are your hobbies? Randomly researching things that grasp my attention, games...lots of games, reading, watching tv, coloring (wait does that count as art-), uhhh spacing out

6. )Does anyone irl know about your blog? yeah, but mostly just know about, not like see my posts i guess

7.)Do you know anyone from your blog irl? not outside of just chatting on discord

8.) What are some fun facts about you? I’ve had some poems published before (it was with entering a poetry contest), I have surprisingly good balance, my brain is not properly awake/functioning until 10am which has led to me almost using soap as toothpaste a few times too many, I have a birthmark on my finger (bonus: it sorta changes color/how noticeable it is depending on how hot or cold I am lol, i call it a mini thermometer cause of this), apparently Lion King was my Disney movie obsession as a kid...oh and I have a certificate in cryptozoology lolz

9.) What’s your day job? i work as a private nanny/glorified babysitter (i don’t live with them or drive but work regular hours through week and as needed; even join the occasional vacation with them)

10.) Do you have a celebrity look alike? i don’t think so; a girl in high school once said I look like Cameron Diaz tho-

11.) What’s your aesthetic? for my blog I think it’s becoming like dark academia meets cottage core?? idk for myself...who knows

12.) What kind of artist are you? the tired kind lol

13.) How did you get into your form of art? if we’re looking at sims, uhhh well I just happened to learn about cc one day, then happened upon simblr, saw edits, and thought I’d give a try cause I can’t draw but I need a creative outlet so this worked for me

14.) What do you watch/listen/read/anything else while you create? if I do anything, its listen to music; music is generally random based on what I feel like but more recently its been 2d anime groups (idolish7, hypnosis mic, etc)

15.) What is your favorite of your own creations so far?  lets see...this, this, and this edit wise I think

16.) How would you describe your art style? idk chaos

17.) What is more satisfying to you coloring or outlining? coloring, I like coloring 

18.) What meme would you use to describe yourself?

19.) What character from any media form do you most identify with? oh gosh uhhhh there’s a few but I’ll say Iori and Sogo from Idolish7 since they come to mind first lol. Iori is a fellow aquarius who hides his interests and agonizes over past slipups even a year later, others have legit moved on but he’s still stuck on it (that was true moment I was like “omg you are aquarius” lol cause yeah meee). Sogo i heavily relate to as well cause he’s,,,very nice and hides his own feelings, putting others before himself (but when right buttons get pushed, he can be scary lol) so yeah, those two

20.) If you were on the run, what would you change your name to? I’ve never thought of this...no clue

21.) Have you ever or do you want to change blog names? I have changed names, yes; I used to be silverine-sims but after a time i didn’t ~vibe~ with it

22.) God forbid Tumblr decides to pull a MySpace and lets us have page songs, what song would you choose?  page songs like adding playlist to blog? i mean its possible already with bit of coding and I used to have one set up but uh one song huh? gosh um I guess Twisted Hearts by tasuku hatanaka; it was op for Moriarty the Patriot s2 and I’m pretty obsessed with it rn 

23.) Oh yeah, I’m still on the MySpace train and I’m starting discourse! Who’s your top 8? my brain refuses to think and rank; i have trouble with choices and that extends to favorites,,

24.) Did you understand those references or did you have to look them up? (I’m fully aware I’m ancient, but are you?) i know of myspace but otherwise i have no clue what all it entailed

25.) One last question; why are you like that? I grew up watching Secret Saturdays, He-Man, Teen Titans, Danny Phantom, and Spongebob idk what to tell ya ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Dag dag?

Now tag tag!!!

I know not all of you will do this or was tagged by izzy already but I’m tagging everyone I can think of anyway-

@cyansimblr @neriney @lunchsims @waysims @klayde @sinfulwunders @void-imp @ladykendalsims @lazysunjade @almost-spring @smolteabirb @lunaziie @clumsyghostie​ and uh uh anyone else cause its too early and my brain just quit

[pencilhattopy]

wOW!!!! A HEADCANON ABOUT A CHARACTER THAT NOT COMMONLY APPEAR ALOT BUT THERES CONNECTION WITH A MATSUNO BROTHERS AND THAT MAKE EVERYONE OBSESSED WITH HIM FOR SOME REASON!?!?!??!??!?!?!?! sure :D

just to be note this out, im not good with headcanon and such so im trying my best for you epic anon! ^^)/ also had to put on read more bcus its VERY LONG LOL

Its so obvious that he seems very popular at school..... but not too much than Totoko. Because I see that Totoko shows mostly popular bcus of her appearance and her fake heroine behavior in the movie but on the other side Yanagida is quite popular not just his looks, it probably because his parents are part of celebrity (like athlete celebrity kinda type) so everyone knows about him about his family and thats it.

Even hes popular, he can get use to hanging out to anyone who wants to, even though he don’t want to. I MEAN....  he likes hanging out with friends but he knows that friends really attach to him so hard it annoys him and also everyone kinda love that guy so he prefer to go out like 2 or 3 groups he can lol.

I think his fav group friends he hang out when Ichimatsu and Atsushi is there. Thats why he appear two times in the movie JHDKJNF

Even though he looks like he can do any sports he can, but I can hc that he also love to do art. Like painting, photography, cooking,,,, or maybe he can sing or something casual idk HHHFHH talented motherfucker

His jealousy on sextuplets is shows. But no one notice lol. the way he said like “It’s not like I hate them it just its hard to deal with them when they all together.” seems like it for me. Maybe bcus he dont have any chance to get along with his family bcus parents and siblings busy with work and college such.

oh yeah i can hc him that hes the youngest sibling. he has 2 brothers and 1 sister. his sister is married.

bcus his family is busy, he also busy for the school, and prepare to move out and his future college. he had to eat leftovers or foods from convenience store for dinner.

he likes Totoko at first but then he realised maybe totoko not into him on high school. in high school reunion he didnt expected totoko reaction when he said she look cute and then he was like “Huh....ok” idk why i want to put this one tho

he had develop feelings for Ichimatsu but he refused to believe it at first. he finally realized it was internalized homophobia when hes adult and thats my hc of his regret of his memory!!!!!!! ICHI

When he trying to remember why he fall for Ichi for and then he remembers one time they high five so hard they squished their hands together. He realized his the way he had crush on him is stupid.

He notice Ichimatsu changed alot. I mean when they adult i meAN LOL so he notice that Ichi don’t want to interact to Yana but don’t know the reason but don’t want to force him atm. He don’t want to leave him alone because he want to get closer with Ichi so he decided to sit next to him, like old times, without the high five or talk to him. Its getting awkward if it just two of them lloljknjknkNJKD

i thought its cute to put this but Yana would put his jacket on Ichi if he fell asleep next to him :) :) :) :) like he fell sleep on his shoulder I can feel that Yanagida’s heart is blooming like a flower ^^

oH YEAH bcus hes good looking he knows girls attracted to him even though hes not into girls too much. He dated a lot of girls when he was high school and/or college before he gay thoughts

he secretly dated a guy before! but his ex-bf seems to like someone else and Yana is fine to breakup before his ex decided to cheat on him. :/

he gotta be closeted to his family and his high school friends bcus he can imagine that everyone being homophobic on him and he hate to feel like that (he really want to coming out to ichimatsu bcus of crush thing but he’s weak if Ichimatsu started to disgust on him) he only out to his friends from gay bar! :D

he literally sexual fluidity when he was questioning himself either if hes bi or gay and he finally call himself gay after he had deep talk with his recent friends (lgbt-friendly)

ok im kinda done with his gay hc jNBKDJK lets move on his fav thing!! hes very good taking care of children bcus of his newphews and nieces and he probably had a cat and/or dog! I did a comic about he have a cat name King before so KJBFDJKB

he probably good with fighting and racing games.

did i mention he can cook? One time I hc that hes took culinary arts if he got stressed out by the sports thing and his parents agree and do what he want in the future so

he surprised that Ichi can make cute culinary food too (you know that chocolate he made from valentines day skit and cat onigiri on season2) and support him as he can (to make him not uneasy with it)

he look up his old picture of his high school hair style and he feel disgusted.

yOU KNOW WHAT.... HE WOULD DO THIS BEFORE HE GLO UP

[gemmaswriting]

Anidala Fanfiction Recommendations!!

I’ve been asked for a long time for my fanfiction recommendations, so I’ve finally taken the time to compile them. If there are any you love that I missed out (this includes Vaderdala!) leave them as a reply so we can all have a good time reading together. 

Writer: Shelivesfree (fanfiction profile) This wonderful girl has some of the most amazing Anidala stories I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Unfortunately, a lot of them have been hiatus for a while but her Boy Next Door trilogy has two amazing parts completed. 

The stories I recommend: 

“The Boy Next Door”: “When Padme Naberrie returns to her home after 10 years, the last thing she expects to find is her childhood friend, Anakin Skywalker; the boy next door. But 10 years is a long time, and he has changed more than she is prepared for. How will she react when little Ani is now a grown man, impulsive, handsome and completely infatuated with her? Modern AU.”

“The Girl from Harvard”: “Sequel to ‘The Boy Next Door’ Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also makes it grow more paranoid. Padme is in her last year of Harvard. Anakin has just started at the University of Chicago. Though they won't admit it, their long-distance relationship is taking it's heavy toll. Will their love prevail or will the distance prove too much for both of them? Sequel to The Boy Next Door. Modern AU.”

“look into my eyes, that's where my demons hide”:  ”Each time he comes back to her, a little piece of him is missing... left out there, in the field, with his brothers. She can see it in the way he smiles and it doesn't reach his eyes. In the way he cries to himself when he thinks she's not awake. And all she can do is hold him. Modern AU.”

“I Know Your Type”  “Am I dead?" It slips out, accidentally. She turns her head towards me, a confused look on her face and tips her head. "Excuse me?" Flashing her an impish grin, I lean casually against the wall. "I must have died and gone to heaven, because you look like an angel." The look she gives me is far from impressed. "Do you use that with all the girls, or am I just lucky?"

“we both know what we want, so why don't we fall in love?” “Rhythmic Gymnast Padme Naberrie has dreamed of being an Olympian since she was five years old. Now, after years and years of training and preparations, she's finally made it to Rio, and nothing is going to stand in the way between her and a gold medal. Except a certain Canadian beach volleyball player, perhaps.”

“Infinite” “ My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.”

“for a moment” “And, just for a moment, all the worries and concerns that troubled the young couple cease to exist. Fade away to just this. Husband and wife. Asleep. Dreaming of the sweet little life they will soon bring into the world and into their hearts. Set somewhere in ROTS.”

“Procrastination” “Padmé is busy with a new bill she must bring before the next Senate meeting. Her husband has other ideas, it would seem.”

“There’s a million reasons I should give you up”  “Padmé struggles to deal with Anakin's frequent departures for weeks, even months, at a time during the Clone Wars. It's in these moments she contemplates the practicality of their marriage. Grief-stricken with loneliness, she stumbles across something she wrote a long time ago... a list of sorts. The find brings about a whole host of emotions she'd rather not deal with.”

“all I need is you” “It was her fault. His pain, his jealousy, his insecurity. It was all her fault. Padme looked up at the beautiful man in front of her, her husband, her Ani, and decided she needed to make him remember. Remind him of how much she loved him. Because no one, no man in the entire galaxy, could take the place of Anakin Skywalker.” 

“Her” “A glimpse into the Cosmic Force after Darth Vader's redemption and return to the Light Side. Anakin Skywalker is consumed by guilt and Obi-wan and Yoda are there to appease him. But it's been twenty-four years and all he wants is to see her.” 

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  Writer: SphinxScribe (Fanfiction profile/ Tumblr account @sphinxscribe ) This fantastic writer has many, many alternate takes on the plot of Revenge of the Sith - often allowing our favourite couple to have a happy ending. Their writing captures the world of Star Wars perfectly. 

The stories I recommend: 

“Where Catalysts Stand Down” “Palpatine issues Order 66, and Anakin and Padmé flee Coruscant. ROTS AU. Anakin/Padmé, Anidala.”

“Viability’s Edge” “Anakin tells Obi-Wan the truth. ROTS AU. Anakin/Padmé, Anidala.”

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Writer: Disco Shop Girl (Fanfiction profile) This writer’s take on Anidala is so well written within every story of theirs I have read. They truly capture their dynamic and relationship perfectly. 

The stories I recommend:

“Your helmet cracked” “He'd been restrained, forced to watch while her helmet cracked and the Mon Calamari sea water threatened to drown her before his eyes. Now they're free. And alone. Set at the end of the Clone Wars season 4 Water War arc.” 

“Order 66-S” “The order was to exterminate all Jedi: Past, Present and Future. Captain Rex has a different plan. Order 66-S: to save General Skywalker.”

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Writer: Rogue Darth Skywalker (Fanfiction profile/ Tumblr - @roguedarthskywalker) This wonderful person has been one of the biggest supporters of my own writing for a long time and I value them immensely! They have many delicious Anidala/Vaderdala stories for you to obsess over for hours and hours. I highly recommend following both profiles linked above.

The stories I recommend:

“Pin up Problems” “He hated the nose art. He hated seeing others degrade her other exceptional qualities by depicting her as some pin up girl. He hated thinking about how many other beings across the stars fantasized about her in such a way. At the same time, he can't deny that the art makes her look… hot. He can't deny that the sight turns him on.”

“Letting Go” “It was their custom. Every year on that fateful day, Anakin would make his way to the cemetery with his children and seek out the mausoleum where she rested."

“Far from Perfect” “Darth Vader is dead. Anakin is redeemed and lives on Naboo with Padme and their children. But not all happy endings are perfect.”

“Far from Easy” “Sequel to Far From Perfect. Redeemed Anakin Skywalker tries to make things right with his wife and kids.

“Perfect” “Happy Family style AU post ROTS. Padme wakes up in the middle of the night and ponders the most recent events in her life.”

“A Dangerous Fantasy” “Pure Smut. Padme helps Anakin fulfil a fantasy he has had since they were married- one that involves the Jedi Council Chambers.”

“Untitled” “Anakin and Padme deal with having to tell their young twins they are having another baby.”

“Strictly Professional” “There are times she hates that she has to resort to this- that rather than being in a long term relationship with someone, she chose to instead pay someone for sex. Modern AU.”  

“Out of his Depth” “I fought in a war. I commanded legions of soldiers against battle droids. I think I can handle my own four-year-old twins."

“Love and Jealousy” “Anakin gave the binders an experimental tug, testing his chances of escaping. There was none. A light chuckle left his lips after a few moments, letting his head fall back to rest on the chair. What a compromising position for a Jedi Knight to be in. Handcuffed in a respected senator's bedchambers practically naked… oh, how the holonews would rave should the story get out!” 

“Against all Odds” “He shouldn't be here. The election was only a few weeks away and the final debate was due in the next few days. There were so many other things he should be doing. He shouldn't be here, in enemy territory wrapped in the arms of the woman his boss despised. Modern AU. Smut.” 

“What we Hope is Never Found” “The impending existence of a recording of them together held dangers that went a little deeper than if they were found naked and tangled together in her office or on his cruiser. The physical proof of their relationship would cause an uproar if it were discovered. But she trusted Anakin. Smut.”

“It was Found” “Sequel to What We Hope is Never Found.”

“Things that go bump in the night” “Luke and Leia think there is a ghost in their home. Their parents know better.”

“Preparations” “She couldn't wait to meet their little ones. It hadn't been too long since they learned she was having twins, and as stressful as that idea was at first, she was quickly growing accustomed to the idea of having two perfect little babies. Her husband, however, seemed to be taking it a little worse than her.” 

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Writer: Skywalkersamidala (Archive of our Own profile/ Tumblr @markantonys) I absolutely adore the Anidala stories created by this author whether they’re aus or canon! They nail the couple’s dynamic throughout their many wonderful stories. 

The stories I recommend:

“Snow Place like Home” “For genre-typical convoluted reasons involving ill-timed blizzards, Padmé is forced to spend the holidays at Anakin's house. Anakin isn't as upset about his boss staying with him for Christmas as he probably should be.“

“Soulmates R Us” “Anakin works at a toy store, and single-mother-of-twins Padmé is becoming one of the store's best customers.”

“Heirs of Light and Darkness” “After escaping the Jedi purge two years ago made him the most wanted fugitive in the galaxy, Anakin Skywalker has at last been captured by the Empire. He expects to be killed, but Lady Padmé Amidala, the imperial heir, has other ideas.”

“Friendly Competition” “Playing Quidditch is awfully difficult when you’re in love with the rival Seeker. Snapshots of Anakin and Padmé’s 7 years at Hogwarts.“

“Perfect” “The war is over, Luke and Leia are five years old, and Anakin and Padmé finally have the peaceful life and big family they've always dreamed of. But their life is about to get a little less peaceful and their family a little bigger.“

“Nos Cedamus Amori“ “Anakin is a gladiator and a slave. Padmé is the wife of the Roman emperor's heir. Circumstances should never even allow them to meet, let alone fall in love.“

“I Do Take Two” “Thirty years after their clandestine wedding on Naboo, Anakin and Padmé decide to finally do the proper wedding ceremony they never got to have, with all their friends and family present.“

“Flat Tire” “Who knew something as simple as getting a flat tire could change the entire course of your life?“

“Strays” “Anakin had always had a penchant for taking in strays.”

“Five weddings and a funeral” “Padmé's feeling gloomy about her perpetual singleness, but everything changes when she meets an attractive stranger at her sister's wedding.“

“Pipe Dream” “Padmé's new plumber is the most attractive human being she's ever laid eyes on, so naturally, she keeps faking plumbing emergencies so she can keep seeing him.“

“Birthdays and Birth days” “Anakin gets a birthday surprise — two of them, in fact.“

“Spouses with Benefits” “Anakin and Padmé wake up after a wild night in Vegas and discover they accidentally got married—and that Ahsoka posted about it all over social media, so now every single person they know is texting and calling them to offer congratulations. They decide to save face by pretending the marriage was totally 100% intentional and not a drunk mistake at all, keeping up the charade for six months, and then quietly getting divorced. But a lot can change in six months…“

“Two Halves Make a Whole” “Anakin is the single dad of Luke. Padme is the single mom of Leia. Luke and Leia meet in kindergarten and become best friends. The rest is history.“

“Home” “In which "Darth Vader" is no more than Anakin's playtime alter ego (happy Skywalker family AU)“

“Someday” “At age fourteen, Padme receives a marriage proposal from the nine-year-old boy next door and tells him to ask her again when she's thirty. Surely he'll have forgotten all about it by then.“

“Across the Centuries” “They meet each other in every century, but something always goes wrong before they can make it to happily-ever-after.”

“Madam President” “Between late nights and headaches and mountains of paperwork and fierce opposition from her political opponents, President Padmé Amidala already had enough on her plate. And then she just had to go and fall for one of her bodyguards, a relationship which would ruin her reputation and his career if anyone were to find out about it. Also, someone's trying to kill her.“

“Scars” “How do Anakin and Padmé go from "I love you" to "I do"? Missing scene from Attack of the Clones.”

“The Bet” “Anakin's had a crush on Padmé since fourth grade, and after putting up with his pining for seven years, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka are finally stepping in and making a bet that he can't ask her to junior prom in the spring. Meanwhile, Padmé is realizing that Anakin isn't as annoying as she'd always thought. In fact, her feelings towards him are starting to go in quite the opposite direction...”

“Three” “His and Padmé’s first wedding anniversary isn’t going nearly as well as Anakin had hoped it would. Until, suddenly, it’s so much better than he could have ever imagined.“

“The Anakin Disaster” “Padmé is mortified upon waking up beside her strictly platonic childhood best friend Anakin Skywalker the morning after a drunken one-night stand. A couple weeks later, she discovers that's the least of their problems.“

“Will You Fake Marry Me?” “Anakin's boss may or may not have accidentally given her family the impression that she's engaged to him. Anakin may or may not be pleased about the situation”

“Aggressive Negotiations” “Empress Amidala invites Lord Vader to her private rooms to persuade him to form an alliance with the Empire. Her methods are very effective.”

“Troubling Implications” “Perhaps he hated himself for it—Padmé thought he probably did—but he came that night (several times, in fact). And the night after that, and the next one, and the next, until it became a habit that neither of them seemed especially inclined to break. (Sequel to "Aggressive Negotiations")

“Imperial Obligations” “Padmé's advisors suggest that she get rid of Vader and make a politically advantageous marriage. The Empress is less than pleased. (Sequel to "Aggressive Negotiations" and "Troubling Implications")”

“Welcome Home” “Anakin Skywalker closes his eyes on the face of his son. When he opens them again, he is in Naboo, and someone is waiting for him.“

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Writer: Shawn30 (Fanfiction profile) The one, the only, the deservedly famous! I think every Anidala fan is aware of this f a n t a s t i c writer’s work. Deliciously smutty. Unbelievably well written. Unfortunately, many of their works have been left uncompleted for years but the stories are still worth reading!

 “Whisper” “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but can also whither your soul and breed doubt in your heart. AP angsty erotica.”

“The Ties that Bind” “Given a brief period of time off during the Clone Wars, Padmé and Anakin visit her family at the Lake Country estate on Naboo. A family that still doesn't know they are married, although they are about to find out. Complete.” 

“The Light and the Dark” “Chapter 1 in the Hearts and Souls series. An unexpected Separatist attack 'accidentally' reunites two star-crossed lovers, giving them a brief moment of peace at a time of war. Complete.”

“Shadows of Winter” “Chapter 2 in the Hearts and Souls series. With six days to spend together celebrating their two year anniversary, Anakin and Padme travel separately to a remote planet in the Hoth system. Romance, passion, and danger await them. Complete.” 

 “Beloved” “Chapter 3 in the "Hearts and Souls" series. When faced with the most horrific news imaginable, Padme's utter desperation forces her to turn to Obi-Wan and even Chancellor Palpatine for help. Her greatest personal challenge awaits... Complete” 

 “Paradise” “The sequel to "Beloved." Following Padme's daring rescue of her husband, the Skywalker's return to Naboo for eight days to heal, unwind, spend time with family, and deal with their connection to the Dark Side of the Force.” 

 “Salvation” “After facing his moment of truth, Anakin and Padmé must finally deal with the consequences. Obi-Wan reveals a startling discovery. Complete” 

“Scandalous” “The sequel to Salvation. On the eve of Padmé Skywalker's official ascension to the role of Vice Chair of the Republic, Anakin steals her away for a wild vacation to Cloud City. Complete.”

“Sacred” “Chapter 2. Ahsoka and Jo'Seth grow closer. Padme's trip to the Jedi Temple on Republic business turns a bit more adventurous. Anakin and Obi-Wan have a heart to heart talk about moving forward.”

“Belonging” “A private afternoon lunch to catch up with an old friend during the Clone Wars reveals a great deal to ObiWan Kenobi. AP”

“Before the Seasons Change” “With the Darth Sidious finally defeated and the Clone Wars ended, Anakin and Padme consider what comes next in their lives. Anakin/Padme”

“Amor Vincit Omnia” “AU. After a three and a half year separation Vice Chair Amidala and Jedi Master Skywalker have some unfinished business as the Clone Wars have finally ended and Palpatine is dead.”

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If there’s any stories I missed, let me know!