#my real thoughts on the film are still cooking but i felt compelled to make this.

[dying-suffering-french-stalkers]

The Boy and the Heron How Do You Live? (2023) dir. Hayao Miyazaki

[johannstutt413]

(for nic611; continuing from this)

Not quite twenty-four hours later, and Greyy was looking at himself in his bathroom mirror, double- and triple-checking himself for any unwanted lint or other messiness. This was the first time he’d been on a date, and he wanted to look his absolute best for his shimmering star...Not that he’d call her that out loud, of course.

After deciding he’d done the best he could, the Perro clipped on the bow-tie he’d bought for the occasion and left for the Ursus dorms, tickets in his pocket and a light in his eyes. ‘Where should we eat tonight?’ He wondered as he expertly navigated the maze of corridors to his destination. ‘Siracusan food’s too messy, but it’s by far the most appropriate...Then again, maybe she wants something that reminds her of home? Or maybe...Oh! I almost passed it. Okay, Greyy, deep breath, deep breath...You get one chance to see her like this for the first time. Make it count!’

“Coming!” The chef’s voice rang out from behind the closed door after Greyy worked up the courage to knock. “No, Anna, tell her I’m on my way-”

“Hey.” Zima opened the door, a smile on her face.

Greyy froze for a moment before bowing. It just felt like the right thing to do. “G-good evening, General.”

“Evening.” She walked out of the apartment, closing the door behind her. “Before she gets out here, I just wanna make something absolutely clear.”

“Y-yes?” He shook a little more than usual, but held firm. This was his night with Gummy, after all.

The General simply smiled at him. “First, make sure you ask her for her actual name; Gummy’s just a codename. Second, I know you didn’t pick a scary movie, but hold her hand when it starts getting gory, even if it hurts a little when she grips your wrist like a vice. Third...Treat her to something nice, alright?” She handed him a thick stack of LMD.

“Th-thank you, General!” The Perro nodded, pocketing the money before saluting. “I p-promise to give her the b-best date of her life.”

“I believe it.”

At that moment, Gummy burst through the door, the picture of Ursan beauty despite being clearly bothered. “Sonyaaaa! Leave him alone!”

“Just making sure he knows his place.” Just before being pulled away by the chef, she whispered, “Don’t forget to kiss her when you bring her back.”

“Go away! You already have a date for tonight!” She literally flung Zima back towards the door, huffing a little as she did.

Sonya just laughed as Anna poked her head out the door. “Is everything alright?”

“It’s fine, it’s fine.” The General gave one last chuckle. “You two have a good night.”

“Finally! I thought she’d never leave. So, um, you said we’re going to dinner first, right?” Gummy fluffed one of her hair-meatballs, making sure she hadn’t knocked it out of place with that toss.

Greyy snapped back to reality. “Y-yeah, I think we sh-should. Um...You look amazing.”

“Oh! Thank you!” She giggled. “And you’re especially adorable tonight. I like the bow-tie.”

“Th-thanks. Um, I didn’t know where you’d want to eat, so...” He had a nervous grin glued to his face. It was hard not to at least try to smile when she was standing right there.

The chef shrugged. “Anywhere’s fine, really. I’m not high-maintenance or anything...Actually, a burger would be pretty good right about now.”

“Burgers? Okay, I know a place, then.” The Perro took her hand just like he had before. “Shall we?”

“That sounds great.” Her response was enthusiastic, but somewhat muted by the fact he’d taken her breath away. To think her timid date had no trouble holding her hand like that...It was amazing.

The joint he had in mind was close to the theatre, so they took their time there waiting for their showing to start seating. Greyy got something small - he wanted to enjoy the popcorn, after all - while Gummy got a burger the size of her head and dug in with gusto, somehow managing to keep her clothes clean despite the river of burger grease that collected. It was a bit difficult to hold a conversation with that happening, but that just gave the Perro the time he needed to work up the courage to complete the first task the General had given him.

The Ursus sighed contentedly after finishing her not-quite pound of beef, now washing it down with a cola and fries. “It’s been so long since I had a burger I didn’t cook! Thanks for taking me here, Greyy!”

“Of c-course.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, c-can I ask you something?”

“Sure, anything.” She turned her attention from the fry pile to him, albeit still chewing on an extra long one.

Watching her redoubled Greyy’s smile. “Um, I know we usually g-go by c-codenames, but Greyy really is my name, so I was w-wondering...What’s your real name?”

“I haven’t told you yet! Silly me.” The chef lightly slapped her forehead. “It’s Rada.”

“Rada...” The Perro tried it out in his head a few times after saying it the once.

She giggled. “You okay?”

“Oh, y-yeah, I’m fine! B-better than fine, really.” His face was going to be sore from all the smiling by the end of the night. “I’m j-just really happy to b-be here with you.”

“Me too! I mean, to be here with you, not to be here with me. It’s kind of hard for me not to be with me, after all. He-heh.”

Greyy nodded. “Y-yeah, I know the feeling...Um, should we go see about popcorn now?”

“Oh, yeah, the popcorn!” Another burst of energy as she stepped off her chair and wheeled around to him before stopping. “Hang on, I need to check my wallet real quick.”

“D-don’t worry, I’m p-paying tonight.” The Perro left a chunk of the money Zima’d given him on the table.

Rada’s brow furrowed. “For everything? That doesn’t seem fair.”

“N-no, it’s fine,” he assured her. “The Engineering Department p-pays me really well for my e-experience level.”

“Hmm...Alright, but next time, I’m paying, okay?” She slipped his hand into his as they headed for the exit.

He nodded. “I-if you really want to.”

“I do.” The Ursus blushed. ‘He already agreed to a next time~’

“G-good evening, ma’am. Two t-tickets for the 1840 showing of Mercy on a Razor’s Edge?”

Waai Fu, who’d volunteered to run the ticket stand on her night off, nodded as she took them from him. “You helped with the production, right? Miss Nian told me to tell you something.”

“Ooh,” Gummy gasped. “A behind-the-scenes extra?”

“Something like that. ‘A silent sky brings a show of thunder, so ready yourself before your greatest wonder.’ She says you’ll know what she means when the time comes. Enjoy the film, Mister Greyy, Miss Gummy.” And with that, she looked past them to the next pair in line.

Rada’s free hand went to her chin as they walked over to the snack stand. “What on earth did that mean?”

“I-I don’t know.” Actually, he did, but he realized the Nian was setting him up for a perfect moment, so he didn’t say anything. “D-do you want your own p-popcorn”

“Huh? Oh, no, we can share. Oooh, extra butter, though.”

The Perro nodded. “I was th-thinking the s-same thing. Excuse me, Mister Matterhorn?”

“Good evening, Mister Greyy.” The Forte winked at Gummy. “So this is the date you mentioned at lunch today. Good choice.”

“Matt!” She pouted at him.

He laughed. “You know I had to tease you a little, Gumdrop. It’s nice to see you out and about, I mean it. One extra-large with double spray?”

“Y-yes, please.” How many people were rooting for him on this date? Greyy wasn’t sure if he should be happy or scared. “Here you go.”

“And here’s your popcorn. Enjoy the movie.” Matterhorn gave the pair another wink.

Rada sighed as she steered them towards the theatre. “Sorry about that.”

“S-sorry? No, I don’t mind at all.” Greyy squeezed her hand. “It’s nice that everyone’s almost happy f-for us as I am to b-be here with you.”

“Oh, Greyy, you are such a sweetheart~ Hey, look, two seats in the central row!”

They watched the previews - several of them being films Greyy had helped on, actually, being Rhodes Island’s premier lighting specialist - and throughout most of the film, Gummy was clearly engrossed in the plot. Thanks to Click, the fight scenes looked real enough to worry the Ursus at times, but having the Perro with her kept her from flipping out. It was a compelling story of espionage, romance, and a war of ideals between two factions, neither of which were completely wrong, just missing information, while the protagonist (played by FEater, naturally) tried to rectify that knowledge gap. It was really good for an independent film, and Gummy was focused in on it from start to finish.

Unlike her date, who was anxiously waiting for the moment Nian had mentioned in her cryptic poem. See, it’d been his job to help film the fireworks festival scene, and in Click’s words, he’d “totally fucking killed it” - meaning that was his greatest wonder. There was a long enough stretch of silence ahead of it that he would have enough time to get Rada’s attention, say something cool and dramatic, and kiss her just as the fireworks went off, but only if he got it exactly-

The theatre fell quiet, and Greyy knew his moment had come. “Rada?”

“Hmm?” She turned to look at him, the light of a silent single firework reflected in her eye. “Yes, Greyy?”

“I love you.” Surprising himself by getting it right the first time, the Perro did as movies had taught him - closed his eyes, tilted his head slightly to the side, hoping she’d meet him in the middle-

-As if there was any doubt. The light from the screen and the roar of the fireworks’ exploding wowed the crowd, but a much more powerful display was going on in the theatre itself. As the movie resumed, beginning the final arc it had in store for its audience, Gummy held her forehead to Greyy’s with a warm smile on her face. “I love you, too.”

Leaving the theatre in silence looked a lot more awkward to an outsider than it was for the pair; honestly, after that, what more was there left to say? Once they were at Rada’s doorstep, however, Greyy did find some words to use.

“I, um...” Okay, it wasn’t immediate, but close enough. “I had a really g-good time tonight.”

“I did, too. You want to do this again sometime?” The chef was holding both his hands in hers, looking at him expectantly.

He grinned nervously with a sudden extra helping of blush. “Y-yeah…I would do this every d-day if I could.”

“Me, too.” She giggled. “Sorry, I just- I don’t know. I guess I’m kind of surprised, is all. I thought something would go wrong, but tonight’s been more than perfect. Does it feel that way to you?”

“I-i guess so? It’s k-kind of hard for me to tell.”

Rada cocked her head. “Really?”

“Yeah.” His eyes shone in the light above the apartment door. “Any evening with you is perfect to me.”

“Oh, Greyy~” And with that perfect opportunity, they had their second kiss of the evening-

-Captured on Istina’s phone from inside. “Oh crap, I left the flash on.”

“...Um, I need to go have a talk with them now,” Gummy explained, blushing wildly, “but are you free sometime this week for dinner here? I wanna make something special for you.”

“J-just say the word, and I’ll c-come running.” As evidenced by his tail swishing steadily back and forth behind him.

She nodded before pulling him into a great big hug. “Good. I’ll see you soon~”

“Mmhmm.” ...How long had it been since he’d gotten a hug that felt like this? “Good night, Rada.”

“Good night, Greyy. Keep on shining for me, ‘kay?” She let him go and turned to go inside.

The Perro stood there for a moment before replying, “Until I see your light again.” With that, feeling somewhat embarrassed but also proud he’d managed to say it, he dashed off to go home and cheer without disturbing the rest of Rhodes Island.

“Wow.” The General and the advisor, both in somewhat ruffled pajamas, were still by the window when the chef came in. “So, how was it?”

“Awesome, but why the hell did you take a picture of us just now?” She was a little angry, but that last line had left her beaming like a spotlight, so at this point she was more pretending to be mad than anything.

Istina shrugged. “It’s rare to catch these memories on film, and Sonya wanted to have your first kiss saved somewhere.”

“Well, joke’s on you, because that was our second kiss.” Gummy mimed flipping her hair (instead jiggling a meatball) before turning to go to her room. “I’ll tell you all about it in the morning.”

“You’re going to leave us hanging, just like that?” Zima didn’t get a response.

Anna shook her head as she squeezed the General’s hand. “It was rude of us to spy like that. The movie was good, though, don’t you agree?”

“When did she have her first kiss, though? We were with them from the burger shop on...” Sonya shook her head. “Whatever. Let’s go to bed; all this espionage has made me tired.”

“Agreed...They do make a cute couple.”

She nodded. “Yeah...almost as cute as us.”

[destiny-smasher]

My personal 2020 GOTYs

1) Hades

This game, dudes. THIS GAME. A fraction of the budget, a fraction of the dev team size, reportedly HEALTHY development schedule and management...and imo it offers at least some of everything I want out of a single player video game. I have poured over 60 hours into this and I see myself putting in some more over time and ALL of the time I have spent has felt rewarding and edifying. Clever design, smart writing, organic voice acting, sharp gameplay, and all done at a fraction of the resources of these big budget, bloated games. You love to see it.

2) Final Fantasy 7 Remake (Part 1?)

I went into this year not caring much about this game at all. FF7 was a game I played as a teen, enjoyed, respected, and moved on from pretty easily. This Remake, so far, has done more than I could’ve expected in terms of actually REMAKING a game. It’s literally a new adaptation, and I as pleasantly surprised at just how hard it went. From realizing the world of Midgar into something so full of detail and plausibility, to reiterating and doubling down on its postmodern anti-corporation themes, to making Barret the character I loved the MOST somehow?? Combining everything I love about real-time RPG action with a tactical strategy element long missing from the genre, reimagining and fleshing out characters and concepts into something deeper and more meaningful...I’ve never considered myself a huge FF7 fan but this game was really something, and I absolutely cannot wait for more (and praying they do my girl Yuffie justice). I’ve been super skeptical of Nomura as a director given...the mess that has become Kingdom Hearts, but as it turns out, when he has others to reign things in, some surprisingly nuanced stuff for an anime game can come out of it. It has its flaws, to be sure, but it’s still the most enjoyable experience I had with a big budget game this year.

3) The Last of Us Part 2

I feel conflicted over this one in particular - I feel Neil is not longer a director I respect the way I did back with the first game. I feel Naughty Dog is falling victim to all of the late capitalist issues plaguing big budget game dev. But I also love this game. It’s much more flawed than the first, but that’s mainly because it’s more ambitious and complicated. It’s THE most flawed game on this game, honestly, but overall as a game I am compelled to respect its writing, its gutsier decisions, its art direction, acting, presentation, etc. It’s an impressive game and the most technically impressive game I played all year if not all generation. Props where they’re due, but at the same time, I think this game was poorly directed and I love it in spite of issues with its production, rather than because of some strong vision. That’s the big Sony bucks, I suppose, matched with a dev team willing and apparently somehow able to fulfil what they want to create. I still get the impression there was a bit of ‘design by committee for a mainstream audience’ kind of shit going on - how could there not with something this big? - and as a result I think the game is a bit bloated. Shave off about 3-5 hours from a few spots and it’d be a more focused game, and maybe I’d feel more edified and satisfied rather than weirdly conflicted. Even so, a huge accomplishment and I hope to see more games tackle premises as ambitious as this down the road.

4) Bug Fables

This game technically launched last year but it debuted on console in 2020, and I didn’t play it until then. This is as close to a follow-up to old school Paper Mario as it gets, while simultaneously doing a lot to forge its own identity and even improve on the formula presented in the previous games. Its rough around the edges but that’s mainly because it’s an independent game, and it’s amazing just how well the dev team was able to reproduce the scope and details of this specific subgenre of RPG, all while continuously implementing new game design elements and multiple features that make it feel more modern in its direction. Fantastic stuff, I’m still not even finished with it because I’ve been taking my sweet time, though I intend to finally finish it this month, and I have to say, it’s quite a special game in my opinion.

5) Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout

Absolute banger of a multiplayer game, really love the presentation, the concept, the overall execution, the way the team has been updating the game every month or so in response to feedback and implementing new content. So good to see the battle royale genre FINALLY pushed beyond just...arena shooting. Can’t wait to see where else this game can go over time.

6) Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Somehow this one slipped my mind when I first wrote this up, despite having poured well over 100 hours into it this year. I think part of it is that New Horizons did a lot of things I’ve wanted the series to do for so long, and yet is still far behind in terms of so many other things I wish they would do. Quality of life things prevent me from really re-investing into it, and yet despite that I have to admit it REALLY sucked me in for a solid few weeks and I continued to play off and on for months. It was the perfect game we collectively needed right when it came out and graphically I can’t think of how to really improve on that style. A really relaxing getaway I needed earlier this year, though like with previous AC games, I don’t find myself going back to it as much as I’d think I would.

7) Going Under

A surprise hit for me, this rogue-like swooped in from ‘heh that looks amusing’ to ‘oh wow this is legit just a great game.’ Its weird visuals, funky 3D gameplay, and surprisingly sharp storytelling make for a rogue-like unlike any other and one totally near the top for me.

8) Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales

Squeezed this in just this past week or so, and this one also satisfied me greatly. I wish we’d see more big budget open-world games like this -- laser focused, not wasting any time, and not being repetitious aside for completionists. So cool to see another team’s take on Miles after how much I fell for Into the Spider-verse, and very glad the team both homages that movie while subverting some expectations fans of the film might have, all while continuing to adapt Insomniac’s take on Spider-Man from a couple years ago.

9) Demon’s Souls (Remake)

As a big fan of FromSoft who never got too far into this one originally, it’s been great to visit it as if it’s a new Souls game with an alternate art style. And a very clean art style it has. This was a good pick to be remastered because many, even FromSoft fans like myself, missed out on it, and it feels unique from its predecessors while still showing a solid foundation they’d go on to build from.

10) Crash Bandicoot 4

An amazingly well done follow-up to the original trilogy, this game GETS what makes old school Crash games good, and it improves upon things in a number of ways, from making Coco the alternate hero, bringing back old faces in new lights, going ham with the visuals both in raw art and unique filters when replaying stages, and giving incentive for completion with so many great costumes. Well done, great old school platforming with modern design sensibilities. 

Honorable Mentions:

CrossCode

This also technically launched before 2020 but I didn’t play it until this year, and I don’t think it hit consoles until this year. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect going in, just remembering that I had enjoyed the demo well enough. This game delivers in most ways you could want from an indie game, with an expansive world of sidequests and RPG growth, a flexible combat system that can be nailbiting and engaging, and old-school dungeon designs with lots of environmental and elemental puzzles that really ask a lot of you. All of this capped with a surprisingly great narrative with characters I grew to love, including a much needed protagonist with a unique identity unlike any in games that I’ve played, as well as extra bits of detail and production values invested at JUST the right moments where the story needs it the most. It feels a bit tedious at times and part of me wishes more of the sidequest content involved direct interactions with the named, recurring characters, but it’s still one of the most impressive and well-done indie games I’ve ever played.

Katana ZERO

Razor-sharp game design, this one. It’s a brief but intensely focused experience that feels like the video game equivalent of a slick, experimental indie film. Could do with some more replayablity for those who want it but what’s here is just damn good and I gobbled this game down like a fantastic, hand-cooked meal at an atmospheric dive bar barely anyone knows about.

Necrobarista

Haven’t quite finished it yet but this is definitely one of the best visual novels I’ve ever experienced just due to how hard it goes on presentation and pushing for a more cinematic and thoughtful vibe than any other VN I’ve ever experienced. The characters and writing feel ripped out of an early 2000′s webcomic, for better and for worse, but all the same, it’s some fantastic stuff and it’s so refreshing to see a game set in Australia tackling a well-worn genre by giving it a new spin.

Slay the Spire

Another personal pick since this released in 2019, and I’m not quite sure which consoles it hit or when, but I didn’t get into it until early this year, and was totally hooked. Fantastically addictive, probably the most well-design deck-building rogue-like I’ve seen, certainly one of my favorite deck-building games in general. Apparently I’ve sunk 50 hours into it this year, more than most on this list, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that number spikes up again at some point.

[obviousvirgo]

Quarantine + thoughts on Cohabitating and

TV Sharing (or not sharing)

Formally titled “Is my boyfriend a culture snob?”

I’m used to sharing space. I grew up in a household of 5 + 2 cats, + the occasional uncle or cousin or grandparent living with us every few years. My home was loud. It was frustrating. And it was crowded. 2 weeks from today marks a whole year of my boyfriend and I living together. I’m really proud of us. We’ve learn so much about each other during this time. It’s been intimate, and gross, and beautiful, and infuriating. So many things. Mostly good things. For context, Jonathan is an only child. No shade whatsover towards only children, we just grew up differently. Anyway, due to my years of experience with sharing, I imagined living with Jonathan would be so easy, natural, and uncomplicated. Lord knows I was naive! 😂 LOUD arguments. Tears. Embarrassment. The warmest hugs. The sweetest quiet moments in our living room. I think we challenge each other in the best ways.

Which bring me to today’s challenge. We have an ongoing debate about our taste in movies/TV probably once every 3 months. Some of these debates have gotten pretty heated in the past, mostly on my end. Admittedly it was hard not to raise my voice when I was feeling so defensive. The debates turned into unproductive arguments real fast. We’ve since learned to call it quits before it got disrespectful. This time I thought I’d write (or type) my thoughts and feelings about it. More therapeutic venting than a confrontational call out . After all, with this whole COVID-19 thing happening, we’re going to be spending a lot more time together in the apartment. Sharing the TV. So this morning, like most mornings, I called Jonathan during his commute to work. I mentioned in passing that Frozen 2 was on Disney+ and that I shared our password so my Goddaughter could enjoy it. He told me he didn’t care because it’s “my” Disney+ account and that he doesn’t really watch anything on it. Then he tells me, in his “I’m just joking” voice, that I have bad taste in movies. I took the bait, and inquired (again) about what makes his taste in movies is so superior... Direct Quote: “I watch the movies you’re suppose to watch”

Kind of a pretentious thing to say, but I allow it. To be honest I think his taste is rather average for a college educated 28 year old male but, to each their own. Jonathan’s movie tastes: Marvel and DC Movies, Mind bending movies like Inception, Interstellar, Dunkirk (basically most Christopher Nolan films), Schindler’s List, Daniel Craig bond movies, critically acclaimed documentaries...you get the idea? Cool. No problem. For me the rub is that he looks down on me and my preferences. At worst, he thinks I’m shallow.

At best he just thinks that I’m immature and need to be introduced to more films that access my deeper emotions or challenge my philosophies on life. Which I find really fascinating because he conveniently doesn’t keep that same energy about content quality when it comes to music, but that’s a conversation for another day lol

To be quite honest, prior to living together I felt no shame or embarrassment about my preferences in TV or movies. I still don’t, but I have realized that now that we share the TV, I mostly watch movies and shows on my phone or iPad, just to avoid the “teasing” that comes with watching anything he doesn’t want to watch in our living room. It’s just easier to enjoy my content from bed or while I’m cooking in the kitchen. Passive aggressive, yes, I know.

My taste: I’m a romantic. I love the classics, Carmen Jones, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Pride & Prejudice. Give me all the Julie Andrews, Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan, Molly Ringwald, Drew Barrymore, etc. Romantic dramas and corny Rom-Coms. The heart-wrenching and dramatic, the light-hearted and sexy. I love ‘em all. My list of favorites is long.

I’m also a proud Disney enthusiast. I could spend all day defending this because I have many reasons, but in short: Children’s movies are filled with lessons about how to be a better human being. After all, their main function is in teaching morals and respect. (Child Psych and Children’s Lit gave me a fresh perspective on this)

I also find re-watching my favorite movies or shows from when I was a kid relaxing. Did you know that Nostalgia has been shown to counteract loneliness, boredom, and anxiety?For some people it’s really powerful and FREE emotional support.

Another escape for me is......Reality TV.

Now before I go on, let me just say, I do have standards. I also think Reality TV has evolved over the years. Indeed, "reality TV" has become a shorthand for everything wrong with America: shallow, artificial, attention-craving phonies looking for their 15 minutes of fame. It’s not wrong, you DO have to weed through about 2 decades worth of trash to find the gold. But honestly I could write an entire thesis on how today we have some of the best unscripted television the world has ever seen. Unscripted Television that is smart and compelling, and both competing with and outperforming some really great scripted television too. Take a look at Discovery Channel and Netflix to name a few networks that are doing reality TV right. There are certainly levels.

I’m also not too proud to say, I enjoyed The Real World Austin, Flavor of Love, and I Love New York.

The social media interactions that come from discussing social experiment shows like “The Circle” and “Love is Blind” on Netflix are also so much fun. It’s so human. Again, light-hearted escapism, but I don’t think it’s a crime. Right?

There are also plenty of critically acclaimed, thoughtful, smart films and TV shows that I love. I just don’t want to watch them after a long days work. Or right before bed. Because energy transfers are a thing. All that being said, I don’t think this makes me an immature adult. Is my taste really that “trash”?

So yeah...these days the only way I get to enjoy watching movies and tv, free of verbal and non-verbal judgement, is by watching it alone.

I don’t even know if he notices. I DO know that he doesn’t ever mean to hurt my feelings. I wouldn’t even say that I’m hurt, I just wish he wouldn’t share his every thought and opinion WHILE I’m watching something I enjoy. It’s just rude. It’s really annoying + there are plenty of things he watches that I’m not interested in. Normally I just sit next to him and listen while he tries to sell me on whatever movie or show it is. Sometimes I enjoy it. He put me onto The Walking Dead. But sometimes I’m just not into it. I STILL sit on our couch, quietly curled up next to him, scrolling IG. That’s really all I want him to do. Just let me enjoy my things. But is that just me? Am I being too sensitive? Do I need a tougher skin? I’m a believer in the Kindergarten rule: “If you have nothing nice to say...” you know the rest. But like I said, maybe he’s clueless. Maybe I’ll share this with him and not post it at all.

And so, I really cherish the times when we find a show or movie that we both like/want to watch at the same time.

Maybe quarantine will be good for us.

[violetemerald]

Crying Over A Fictional Kiss

This is my submission for the September 2019 Carnival of Aros, hosted by aceofarrows, on the theme of “Aromanticism and Fiction”. The Call for Submissions was here. This post has also been cross-posted to my WordPress blog. Please follow that blog of mine too, as I don’t cross-post everything.

Content Note: discussion of varied kissing experiences, including my kissing-aversion. Let me know if I should’ve warned for something else.

Also… I’m not sure how much of what I am focusing on is about my (gray-)aromanticism and how much is my asexuality… it’s hard to really categorize some of this into one or the other category. But I know this is meant to be aro-centric and if you stick with this post I’ll make sure it ties back to aromanticism.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last month, I listened to the audiobook version of Alice Isn’t Dead by Joseph Fink.

Potential spoilers are in this blog post below by the way, so you have been forewarned. I’ll try to minimize the spoilers (and I’m not spoiling the ending or anything). I’ll also mention, later in the post, details from over halfway through the book All the Wrong Places by Ann Gallagher, and a few details from The Flash (2014 TV series) season 2 and the Veronica Mars 2014 film and 2019 revival for a season 4.

I loved the audiobook of Alice Isn’t Dead. I found it really compelling. I have heard the podcast was probably a better way to first be introduced to the story, but I instead only consumed this fictional tale in its book form, because my asexual meetup group had decided to read it for its book club. It’s a story with a lesbian married couple at its heart—a romance.

Keisha is the main character. Her wife, Alice, went missing and was presumed dead before the start of the story. When Keisha first sees Alice in this story, Keisha is so angry about the depth of grief she’s been in, grief which is all Alice’s fault due to the circumstance of Alice faking her own death and then… they passionately kiss. And I kinda felt like I was triggered by the way the kiss was used in this work of fiction. I don’t know how else to describe it. I had a visceral negative reaction to it.

This is the paragraph:

Keisha could have hit her. Could have killed her, honestly. Let Alice finally actually be dead if she wanted to be dead that badly. But what she did instead was pull her toward her, and their lips met, and it could have been the day they met, could have been the day they got married, could have been any weekday evening before she disappeared. Keisha felt love, right where she had left it, and kissed Alice so hard that it hurt both of them, because what she really wanted to do was to find her way into Alice’s chest and live there among the bones and blood. She wanted them to be one person, but also to be two people; she wanted so many things, most of them contradictory. She pushed Alice away.

I just said I loved this book. I swear, I really truly did. There was so much I loved about this book, the #ownvoices portrayal of anxiety with a ton of depth (and kinda turning it into a superpower without minimizing how hard it is to live that way), the way the horror played out, the characters, and even the way the romance was written. (I’m usually a pretty big fan of romance in fiction even though I’m not alloromantic. I enjoy romantic arcs, and I even feel shipper type feelings a fair amount of the time.)

But also, listening to this audiobook in my car on a drive home late on a Sunday night, hearing about kissing, and how through kissing a character (whom I could otherwise actually emotionally- and personality-wise relate to quite a bit) was feeling a strong positive sensation of love coming rushing into her… it made me cry. I shed real, actual tears. I got distracted by my own thoughts and angst and had to pause the book and switch to playing music on the radio for a little while. I had to rewind it later because I’d missed parts of what came next. I was just. Not in the right headspace for this romantic kissing situation. Not at all.

The timing was partially to blame. I heard this moment in the book while I was driving home from a day spent with the person I’m dating, Asher. (Asher is the pseudonym I use on this blog for my alterous partner.) We had, just that evening, explored if maybe my kissing-averse self might be able to handle closed-mouth chaste kissing on the mouth, but first I had gotten confused and thought I was agreeing to trying open-mouthed kissing for the first time in nearly 6 years. I had indeed agreed on a previous night that I’d try that too, but when we’d get to trying a number of things had still been unclear. But I knew making out would be a thing we tried at least once… eventually.

I knew that I was kissing-averse after my experiences trying kissing in 2012 and 2013, but I wondered what if my partner being a different gender this time around mattered? Or what if it mattered that I have a demi “sensual” attraction switch that has flipped for Asher, considering the fact that that switch hadn’t flipped for the only two people whom I tried kissing back before I knew my orientations? Or what if it wasn’t really that bad and I was exaggerating in my memory how averse I felt to it all? And what if I could be neutral to “making out” briefly?

Asher asked me, “Can I kiss you?” and I was finally ready to give open mouthed kissing a chance with them. I mean, I guess I thought I was. I braced for the experience. I said, “Yes,” then asked what kind of kissing. Oh. Not open-mouthed, after all. It ended up being Asher just… giving me a light peck on the lips. And then asking me if I was okay. And I said I was. But then I was crying anyway, as I do far too often with Asher. I feel hyper-vulnerable when I’m with them or messaging them or thinking about them and I seem to cry at the drop of a hat. And I’m not entirely sure why, in this instance, the tears were streaming but I kept insisting I really was fine with that kind of kissing. It was maybe a little awkward but I didn’t feel averse to that. And it would get less awkward with more time/practice, I was sure.

(I still think it’s often a little awkward, but in the over-a-month since we started those, I’ve never again cried after being given one of those little kisses.)

I think maybe, though, it seemed fine and neutral to me at first but over time it’s maybe felt more awkward to me, more like I have to be extra careful to keep my mouth closed because I’m scared of an aversion sensation I’d feel if my mouth was open, so I can’t just appreciate the little loving gesture. I overthink it each time.

And as I have been writing this blog post and sharing the unfinished draft with Asher, we discussed this more. Now, I’ve requested to instead try goodbye quick kisses on the cheek or maybe blowing a kiss instead of the goodbye peck on the lips. We tried one cheek kiss this morning. 💜💚 We’ll keep testing this out.

Dating Asher for five months now has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I’ve been so happy to be in an alterous partnership which in many ways resembles the established “perfect” romance I saw described in Alice Isn’t Dead—cooking together, cuddling while watching TV, having long conversations that the participants never want to end. Deciding to build a life together with another person. I feel so much love for Asher and know they have brought so much that’s positive to my life.

Nonetheless, it’s been very stressful. Lots of aspects of it have been. I’m not touching on all of it in this post. Waves of excitement or joy are interrupted or overlayed and mixed with other things. Some of my emotions are difficult for me to fully understand or process. But I’ve been thrown back into a situation of mismatched orientations, where my partner feels romantically for me, in certain ways I can’t reciprocate. For Asher, the desire to kiss me is connected to their demiromantic switch. When this switch is engaged and “on” (and it fairly consistently stays on for me), they feel this desire to kiss me. For Asher, kissing is very much non-sexual, but it is romantic.

Asher also feels sexually for me in ways I can’t reciprocate, but that is a topic for another time.

We did eventually, not particularly long after that night when I cried in the car listening to Alice Isn’t Dead, try open-mouthed kissing. Compared to maybe the “making out” that I was envisioning, Asher was… gentler and more hesitant; it was a subtler type of kiss. It wasn’t passionate in that way that I imagine is definitely sexual for characters in stories when making out is described. It wasn’t as full tongue deep into each other’s mouths as what I’d experienced with two guys in 2012 and 2013. We tried this kissing because Asher was so full of a desire to try expressing romantic love that way.

I probably already deep down knew, crying in the car, that while I feel deep alterous love for Asher, love that lets me relate enough to the love described in Keisha & Alice’s marriage, I would feel the opposite of all that amazing love in a moment where I would get even close to that kind of kissing. And indeed open-mouthed kissing I just am so viscerally averse to. It’s hard for me to explain, but I’m not neutral. It’s not just a lack of feeling anything like love. It’s the saliva interacting that is a very specific thing my body seems to react to. It feels uncomfortable in a way that’s almost like anti-chemistry, like people are supposed to notice a spark that’s good between them (and they call this “having chemistry”) and for me the spark isn’t exactly missing—there is still a spark, but it just feels bad. I’ve never felt anything like this feeling except for when I kissed two different guys, nearly a year apart from one another, back in 2012 and 2013. But here we are in 2019 and only once I found myself in the midst of an open-mouthed kiss again did I realize my body remembers exactly what this anti-spark feels like. All 3 people I’ve open-mouth-kissed trigger this exact same kissing-aversion feeling in me.

In the book All the Wrong Places by Ann Gallagher, which is an ace/ace romance, there is a part around the middle of the book, slightly over halfway through, where Zafir says he can’t stop thinking of how much he really wants to kiss Brennan. Brennan thinks it might be weird for asexuals to be kissing one another. (Brennan is new to asexuality and Zafir is more knowledgeable.) I’ll share two select passages from pages 139 and 140 of my paperback copy of the book, from a chapter that happens to be Brennan’s point of view:

”And who says it’s sexual? It’s just affection.” He ran his hand up my forearm. “People can touch without it having anything to do with sex.”

And

His hand slid around to the back of my neck, and with the faintest pressure from his fingertips, he drew me toward him.

Our lips met.

And everything… faded.

The ocean was suddenly a million miles away. The seagulls were distant background noise. There were people and cars, but my senses were too busy exploring the softness of his lips. His stubbled chin hissed across mine, driving home that I was kissing a man for the first time in my life. That I was kissing Zafir. And I liked it.

Slowly, I wrapped my arms around him. Nothing about this felt as weird as I thought it should. It was… God, it was perfect.

He broke the kiss and our eyes met.

“Wow,” I breathed.

“Yeah. Wow.” He searched my eyes. “Does that turn you on?”

I swept my tongue across my lips. “It, um ... not really, no.”

Zafir’s brow knitted, and he sounded more nervous than I’d ever heard him when he whispered, “But did you like it?”

“I—” My heart thumped against my ribs, and I caught myself missing the softness of his lips against mine. This didn’t make any sense, but … “Yeah. I did like it.”

So I pulled him back to me and kissed him again.

This scene was another scene in a book that made me feel a lot of emotions. I read this book after having been in a relationship (that had since ended) with a gray-asexual queerplatonic partner, and I related a lot to two aces dating each other throughout the book. I loved the portrayal that aces can also be parents, which thanks to Sara K. I knew ahead of time this book would have—possibly the only book out there like that—and I knew that this would be an appeal of the book for me as an ace who wants to be a parent. But I’m more averse to sex than both of these protagonists, and then when this happened on page 139 of the book, I suddenly felt very frustrated that kissing aversion seems to never ever be shown in ace romances. I’d been reading a handful of novels with ace characters, and kissing seems to almost always be utilized by authors as “proof” that a relationship without sex is still romantic.

This kind of thing made me feel more possibly aro, the more I realized I can’t feel what all the alloromantic ace characters seem to feel, but I also was skeptical. All The Wrong Places, as I researched and found out after finishing the book, was written by a bisexual woman. While the asexual representation was overall amazingly accurate and relatable (and the book at various points just made me cry because of its emotional resonance), maybe this kissing thing isn’t actually accurate to how all alloromantic aces feel. Perhaps that scene I just quoted was more exaggerated, hyperbole for the sweet romance of it than actually how first kisses tend to feel for people in their shoes.

Maybe it would be more a sex-averse ace thing than necessarily an aro thing to not feel so positively toward the softness of lips, for everything to not just “fade away”. I really don’t know. I haven’t heard enough from sex-repulsed aces who feel alloromantic. I don’t feel like I know their narratives. What I see instead around are aces who are more sex-indifferent or sex-neutral or even sex-favorable when they explain being alloromantic, so when they maybe say they do like kissing (depending on the person) I still don’t know if the reason they like something I don’t is because I’m averse more than them to sexual things and that kind of kissing is sexual, or if it’s because I’m much more aro than them. I don’t know how to parse out my feelings, my romantic orientation, or any of it. It’s so messy and complicated and I wish I had easy answers…

…but when a lot of what I have influencing my thoughts on all this is fiction, the theme of this carnival, it gets even murkier. Fiction doesn’t necessarily reflect reality. And when I read about what kissing feels like it’s almost always in fictional accounts. Whether it’s fanfiction or published novels, allo characters or aspec ones, none of this is really what I should be basing an understanding of reality on. None of this is necessarily quite accurate. I need more nonfiction accounts to fully make me understand my own orientations.

I recently edited a new, very romantic, fanvideo set to a recently released Taylor Swift song using 23 romantic couples featured on 20 different scripted (fictional) television series.

While I identify as gray-aromantic and classify my relationship with and my feelings for Asher as alterous, I basically feel like I could pretty easily sing 99% of this song to my partner and it be entirely accurate to my happy, excited feelings toward the thought of us one day getting married as nesting partners and everything else. I don’t feel like the song is too romantic for any of my current feelings. (The inaccurate parts are that Asher is not my “baby boy” as we don’t use the pet name baby, and Asher isn’t a boy… and I don’t want Asher in “dirty dreams” because I’m sex-averse and don’t have such dreams… seriously that’s pretty much the only parts that don’t really fit, I think? Well, I suppose we also don’t use the pet name “darling” and the idea that Asher and I were ever “friends” before becoming partners isn’t quite true, since we met via online dating, and other little tiny things don’t quite fit. But overall… I can still be aro-spec while relating a lot to this song. I can. It’s my reality.)

For a long while now, I’ve second-guess any of my choices when it comes to vidding kissing scenes.

As I’ve written about before, for my birthday this year I had friends participate in four collaboration fanvideos where I:

made a rule of no sexual scenes and no kissing on the mouth at all. These collabs were also, by the way, a mix of romantic pairs and platonic bonds. They could vid right before or after a kiss with the characters’ faces close but just not vid the kissing itself.

I told my dad about having made the rule and he turned to me and asked with a surprisingly high level of confusion and interest, “Do you really mind kissing scenes?”—or something like that. I don’t even know what I said but I don’t think I fully tried to explain how complicated it all was for me as someone vidding such kissing scenes for over 12 years. Whose attitude in reaction to seeing characters act sexually changed drastically once I realized 5.5 years ago I was sex-averse, how frustrating it was in my birthday collab in January 2016 when one of my friends vidded one of my OTPs (Jane/Rafael on Jane the Virgin) and she happened to choose, out of SO many scene choices, one of the absolute most sexual Jane/Rafael scenes with them making out while skinny dipping (naked in a swimming pool). How sex averse I felt in that moment and how much I wanted for my birthday collab to not have that happen again.

I think what I said to my dad was that it’s nice sometimes to feel more able to relate to the characters and kissing scenes I can’t relate to. I don’t know.

Now it’s closer to 6 years since I first figured out for sure I was sex-averse, and when editing my “Paper Rings” video, which is embedded above, I couldn’t stop thinking about when to include kissing and when not to. And also what kinds of kissing I feel comfortable with. 

I hadn’t met Asher yet when my birthday happened, so when I was making up the “no kisses on the mouth” rule for it I didn’t have much personal life experience with other types of kisses. Like the guy from 2012 kissed my cheek once but… basically zero experience, give or take. Yet, I still knew on some level that kisses on the top of the head, the forehead, the cheek, the shoulder, the arm… none of these would bother me and feel sexual and trigger my kissing-aversion, and I didn’t know if they’d necessarily feel romantic, in fact I still don’t know if anything feels exactly “romantic” for me which is part of why I’ve gravitated so strongly to the term “alterous”… But it feels sweet and affectionate and wonderful when Asher kisses my upper arm while I wear sleeveless shirts, or my shoulder, or my head.

When I was editing this fanvideo and I chose to include mouth-kisses during lyrics that weren’t specifically “kiss me” or “kiss you” lines of the song (lyrics without the word “kiss” at all), it was because of the surrounding details of the scene being really perfect for a particular lyric, combined with the fact that the kiss itself probably wasn’t that zoomed in on nor super open-mouth style “passionate”. For the lyrics specifically about kissing, as much as I easily could, I included kisses that were on the nose or head, or I vidded just enough of a scene that my fanvideo didn’t even show the actual kiss part of the scene once their lips touched, like in the case of the Barry/Iris during the lyric “’cause you waited your whole life”.

I had a number of my vidder friends and acquaintances on Twitter giving me feedback on my video as I was creating it, suggesting ways to improve it. One of my oldest vidder friends, with whom I’ve been friends for 12 years, suggested that when Logan kisses Veronica’s nose in my video, I should’ve instead used when they first kiss (very passionately and sexually) in the film as it fits that same “cause you’ve waited your whole life” lyric better than the cute nose kiss from later in the movie.

However, I told that friend of mine I checked that sexy Veronica/Logan scene from the film and if either character had kissed the other “Three times” in quick succession to really match that lyric amazingly perfectly i would’ve used it. But because that didn’t happen, so…

I’m kinda partial to using less sexual scenes now, more than maybe I typically would be, if I can avoid them. I just. Dating Asher and not wanting to open mouth kiss at all is proving really hard and I’m really insecure about my orientation(s) and how they manifest and makes me incompatible with almost everyone in the world. The nose kiss is much more a kind of kiss I feel happy seeing right now. Less fraught emotions for me in my super cutesy lovey dovey vid if I keep it this way lol. Also my two “dirty dreams” lyric matches are super tame and cute/sweet rather than actually dirty because of that. But no, I couldn’t think of a 3 kisses moment to use either time the lyric comes up.

It just. It’s all so complicated, my relationship to the way romance is portrayed in fiction. And in popular songs. I mean have you all heard the song “Kiss Somebody” by Morgan Evans? It’s on my local country radio station a lot.

It’s frustratingly catchy and enjoyable as a song for a person like me (see how I just vidded Taylor Swift, above – lol). The only reason it’s frustrating though is that it’s so anatonormative, and that it’s one of just so so many songs that imply if you really like a person you “gotta” kiss them, that such a desire to kiss is essentially inevitable. And that everyone feels these things. It is invalidating. It hurts. Even now. Even over 6 years into knowing I was probably asexual, and 6 years after the possibility of being aromantic first crossed my mind. It’s been such a long time, but it’s still not easy for me.

I’m not nonamorous. I’m not romance-repulsed. I don’t seem aromantic when you consider a lot of my interests and actions, when you quickly glance at my successful dating life. In less than a week I’m moving in to a brand new apartment with the person I’ve been dating and I’m happy and excited by the direction my life is going. I’m so very happy.

But I’m kissing-averse. Not averse to all kissing. I actually deeply enjoy certain kinds of kissing, but I’m very averse to open-mouthed kissing, so much so that I would rather not even engage in closed-mouth kissing, despite not even being personally averse to the closed-mouth type!

I’m not sure I like the phrase kissing-aversion as much anymore now that I realize just how nuanced my feelings on the subject are, but I’m not sure I know of a better alternative phrasing. I don’t want to imply ruling out sweet little kisses on my arm and shoulder and head and cheek. I love those so much. So maybe I should just say I’m mouth-kissing-averse, but that sounds so clunky and just… I don’t see myself really starting to say that. Lol. Maybe a whole descriptive sentence about it would be better in the future. I don’t know. I’ll keep thinking on it.

One of my alloromantic & allosexual (straight) friends actually recently let me know she’s not a big fan of making out, because I was sharing my own… struggles.

She said:

It’s funny, I am not super into kissing. I like it more on the top of my head or the cheek… That is more romantic to me than mouth kissing…that is kind of slobbery, lol.

So I guess to conclude, if you made it these 4,300+ words into this monster of a post, I’ll ask you all to please let me know your relationship to kissing, whether you love it, hate it, or are anywhere in the middle! I’m very curious to know how people feel and how they feel it does or doesn’t relate to their orientations. And I’m curious to know if you have any other thoughts for me after reading my post. Please comment. It means the world to me when people do. (Also I’m happy to answer personal questions; you can ask me more stuff if you’re curious!)

💜💚💜💚

[thecloserkin]

fic rec: Dante’s Stars by Pretani

fandom: A Series of Unfortunate Events

pairing: Violet Baudelaire/Klaus Baudelaire

word count: 94k, complete

Is it canon: Yes

Is it explicit: Yes

Is it endgame: Yes

Is it shippable: I’m fucking crying it’s so beautiful

Bottom line: The one and only Violet/Klaus epic, read it and bawl your eyes out (def read the warnings first tho)

It’s a canon-divergence AU where the Baudelaires stage their own deaths to escape Count Olaf. In canon the three Baudelaire orphans—inventor Violet, bookworm Klaus, and baby Sunny—are hounded from guardian to guardian by cartoonish villain Olaf, who will stop at nothing to get his hands on their fortune. Olaf murders or incapacitates every single adult who spares two seconds of sympathy for these kids, leaving a wide swathe of destruction in his wake. In this fic the Baudelaires have decided to wipe the slate clean and assume new identities.

I have mentioned in the past how salty I am about the Baudelaires’ characters being sidelined for Snicket the narrator, Olaf the villain, and/or sundry other bit-players (in the Netflix show the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender p much steals every scene they’re in). In canon we’re not really privy to the kids’ inner lives. This fic avoids that pitfall by sticking with tightly focused third-person Violet and Klaus POVs.

The thing this fic does really well is instill a pervasive sense of dread/paranoia which is remarkable because for the first 25% absolutely nothing ominous happens. The orphans get taken in by a slightly addled, very nice old lady and they just … live in her house. For free. While she cooks for them. And every morning Violet and Klaus hook up in her barn.

Ok back up so the ship they’re passengers on goes down in a storm, all hands lost, the Baudelaires are presumed drowned with the rest. Which is positively providential. The first event of any import to occur is that Klaus swipes some cash from a dead man’s wallet. Violet has ethical qualms but Klaus quashes them by pointing out that Sunny’s starving:

”I’d do anything for her,” he said. “Even become a thief or a murderer.”

Then his dark eyes found Violet’s. “I’d do it for you, too.”

So on the one hand I think this is rather extra. I mean, what possible use could a dead man have had for that money? Money that could put actual food in Sunny’s stomach. The Baudelaires are keenly aware that justice does not equal unquestioning obedience to authority and I think their exposure to a raft of tyrannical and unjust authority figures has hammered that home. They’re down with bending the rules because they know the rules are never even-handedly applied anyway (ie. the show trial at Hotel Denouement, the farcical final exam at Prufrock Academy). On the other hand I remember how uneasy they felt about stealing Hal’s keys in Hostile Hospital, and that was barely a misdemeanor! A friend of mine astutely pointed out how Violet is always trying to behave in any given situation the way their parents would have wished, whereas Klaus takes a pragmatic approach: do whatever keeps his sisters safe. And that is a very interesting contrast and one I want to see explored further.

They get on a train. Things that happen: Klaus notices when Violet is down in the dumps or angry or upset or in this case, wistfully jealous of other people who lead “normal” lives, bustling all around them. He’s not in love with her yet but noticing is the first step. Violet atm is super focused on being the elder sister, the adult in the room, the One In Charge. They get off the train and as soon as they blow into town Violet gets catcalled and propositioned. One of the themes of this fic is the horrendous baseline level of violence against women, some of it normalized and casual like the catcalling. The Big Bad Villain of the piece is literally a guy who’s murdered multiple girlfriends on account of them fridging his ass, since he appears to think that women owe him sex. And this man’s driving ambition is to add Violet to his list of conquests.

So often, men treated her as little more than an object … Klaus was different. He saw her, the woman she was inside.

HOW COULD SHE NOT FALL FOR HIM?? Is there another man she could learn to trust enough to fall in love with? However I’m getting ahead of the story. Klaus is still in the phase where he’s awakening to his attraction to Violet:

She was mother and sister, soft skin and tender strength, and he hid his face in her neck. Like a child, she rocked him gently, cradling his head.

I have to protect her, even if it’s from myself.

He couldn’t take this, his brave, beautiful sister, so near … the knowledge of what those men wanted to do to her. I”ll kill them … And what he wanted …

God but it kills me, Klaus thinking that his attraction to Violet is as noxious as those vile men and their rapacious stares. Klaus himself otoh is president of the Violet Baudelaire Fan Club. The contrast could not be more marked. Look at him building her up when she’s about ready to to give up on picking a lock because she’s lost her hair ribbon:

”I’m done, Klaus. I don’t have anything else to give”. ”Vi … “ he was pleading, willing her to believe in herself again, because he did. “You’re a brilliant inventor,” he told her. “It’s who you are. Nothing can take that away. You don’t need your ribbon.”

The unwarranted parallel that he draws between himself and a bunch of sexual predators is the source of so much angst and pining:

Is that what I am? A pervert?

She’ll blame herself for this

Well, well, well, if it isn’t ye olde I’m-Leaving-Her-For-Her-Own-Good-Lest-My-Perverted-Attraction-To-Her-Despoil-Her-Innocence. I am absolute trash for it every time, film at 11.

”I love you, Vi … I’m in love with you.” He said it like he was confessing to a crime, and she wanted to scream, to laugh and cry all at once.

THEIR LOVE IS A CRIME!!! Could these babies be more pure??

They’d always had an extraordinary connection. It was the reason for their seamless partnership, their ability to support one another … But now, the bond that had kept them alive was killing him. How could anything ever be right again?

”Vi, I’m sorry … I want to be your brother, but I can’t … I want to be more than that … I don’t know what to do.” ”Kiss me,” she said, “and be both.”

THATS IT THATS A WRAP I CAN NOW DIE HAPPY. That “kiss me and be both” is PERFECTION.

And she knew she’d never willingly give herself to anyone but him.

she’d loved him even then. Who could tell when they had crossed the line? It was already too late.

cross the line what line??? they were made for each other.

”You know, we missed the sunrise,” he said, nose to nose with his sister.

Violet and Klaus carve an extra hour out of their morning to go make out in the barn. I shit you not these kids spend a whole month without progressing past first base because Klaus doesn’t want to “pressure” Violet into anything she’s not ready for. Violet, for her part, is beginning to suspect there’s something wrong with her person; why hasn’t he even tried to take her top off? Thank you #Patriarchy for teaching us that desirability is the measure of a woman’s worth. God they are so thirsty. This bitch almost fell over the first time he touched her tits:

“Vi,” he spoke into her hair, voice breaking. “Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me to —“ But she only titled her head, to meet his mouth in a feverish kiss.

So Klaus and Sunny are having a snow fight and Violet tugs her glove off to tousle his hair and it’s THE SEXIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN BYE. True story after I read this fic I legitimately thought that “Vi” was a pet name Klaus called her by in canon, and when I finally finished the books much much later and realized that it wasn’t—well, it should have been.

There is a fairy tale about a princess who disguises herself in the skin of a donkey to escape the attentions of her lecherous father the king. Violet and Sunny discuss it. Violet points out that rape is wrong because rape is rape, because it is coercive, not because it’s incest. I love it when fic highlights the fairytale parallels to the Baudelaires’ situation, and I feel like Donkeyskin was such a spot-on choice because it’s all about surviving sexual assault and learning to make oneself vulnerable again afterwards? Klaus is the prince who sees through her disguise and falls head over heels in love with her CHANGE MY MIND. On the subject of happily ever after:

”Is that what you think I want? A fairytale? A walk down the aisle in a white dress?" He felt a lump forming in his throat. "Most girls think about those things, don't they?" "I don't," she told him. "I prefer not to. And as for children…well…I love them. That's why I don't want any of my own … how selfish would I be, to bring another little life into this? Another hostage they could use against us. Imagine how awful it would be if…" She shook her head. "No children… not ever. I couldn't protect them." And she turned to him with a soft look. "It's no sacrifice, Klaus. Not for me. I've already been through a… a wedding, you know." He felt her shudder, and she averted her eyes. "I won't be sorry if I never see another wedding dress again."

My dudes, when you have children each and every one of them is a hostage to fortune because of course they are. Also, Violet’s traumatized by the whole idea of being a bride, after going through the wringer of her fake wedding to Olaf. Olaf put Sunny in a cage to compel her compliance, and that’s what the Big Bad in this fic does too. He says things like “You’re a sick little bitch, aren’t you? Spreading your legs for your own brother” which turns their beautiful relationship into this ugly depraved thing to be ashamed of. I mean, this guy was literally a voyeur who would watch them from his hidey-hole while they were being intimate?? My god I would feel so unclean. And the worst part is, he overheard them calling each other by their real names not their aliases, so now he knows who they are and since the Baudelaires are still on the lamb this is bad. It gets pretty dark pretty fast.

“He won't want you anymore! No one's gonna want you when we're done!"

So he kidnaps and rapes Violet. Klaus and Sunny rescue her, dispatch the villain (Klaus’s earlier “I’d do anything” for his sisters, including becoming “a thief or a murderer,” acquires sudden resonance), and that’s when fucking Count Olaf shows up!!!! These kids just cannot catch a break. Turns out the Big Bad was actually working for Count Olaf all along. Olaf’s plan is still the same plan from The Bad Beginning where he plotted to steal the Baudelaire fortune by marrying Violet. Since Count Olaf has never in his life paid a henchman a salary, he was keeping the Big Bad sweet by promising to let him ravish Violet first. Let the full enormity of that sink in. Oh wait a minute Olaf isalso bent on knocking Violet up asap so the union can’t be dissolved on non-consummation grounds, or somesuch:

"You look at me as if I were a usurper, boy, about to steal something of yours. Tell me…" He gestured at Violet. "Is she yours?"

Why would you do this to me??????? This is so, so painful. Olaf uses an electric cattle prod on Klaus and makes Violet watch??? It’s ok though the Baudelaires prevail in the end, and emerge from the bloodstained ordeal as the family they are. My kink will forever be Violet and Klaus praising each other’s bravery and resourcefulness. They! Are! So! Proud! and! Supportive! Of! Each! Other! This line from earlier in the fic gets me every time:

I’ve failed them. This was his greatest fear, worse than death or any torment fate could devise. In his head, he imagined the struggle, saw his girls beaten and shot, felt each blow and bullet as if his own body were the target instead.

Klaus Baudelaire laying down his own body between the world and his sisters is really the only thing I care about:

And then her gaze fell to the marred canvas of his body.

I bet his back is a mess of burn marks ugh. Four weeks after Violet’s discharged from the hospital (practical Violet made sure to get the green light from the medical professionals) they finally have sex again, which is a relief—after the rape they were both hesitant to initiate sex because she thought she was damaged goods and he thought she wanted space? Silly kids. Oh and and here they are being mistaken by strangers for a pair of lovebirds:

One of the women sighed dreamily. "Did you ever see a more likely pair of turtledoves?" "Of course not," Mr. Poe sputtered, dabbing his brow with a handkerchief. "The very idea!" And he excused himself hurriedly, to make some phone calls. "Don't be silly," said the other. "They're siblings. Haven't you heard? … They're the Baudelaire orphans." "Well, I daresay," the first one went on, "anyone would've taken them for sweethearts."

I CANNOT WITH THESE TWO

The Baudelaires finally, finally come into their fortune free and clear. They put on their parents’ wedding rings and move to Canada. A cat (!!!) leaves baby Beatrice II in a basket outside their front door, and that completes their family. Nobody deserves good things more than these kids, and this fic ends exactly where it ought, describing “a rural life of moral simplicity.”

I read this fic years ago and it was w i l d rereading it again, thanks for coming along for the ride. If anyone wants to scream/cry about this fic in particular, or Violet and Klaus in general, feel free to send me an ask or message me ANYTIME

[mastcomm]

‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before’ … and to Fans Hungry for More

When “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” debuted on Netflix in 2018, it seemed like just the latest title in its “Summer of Love” promotion. There was “Set It Up,” “Sierra Burgess Is a Loser” and “The Kissing Booth.” But “To All the Boys” quickly proved to be a phenomenon.

The main character, a Korean-American high schooler named Lara Jean (played by Lana Condor), won over audiences who saw themselves mirrored in her life and mixed heritage. There was a surge of thirst for the internet’s newest crush, Noah Centineo (playing Lara Jean’s love interest, Peter Kavinsky). Sales for Yakult, a Japanese yogurt drink, increased after being featured in several scenes, and by Halloween, Twitter was overloaded with images of costumes inspired by Lara Jean.

“To All the Boys” became one of Netflix’s “most viewed original films ever,” with many fans watching it repeatedly, according to Variety. If the streaming service, which selectively releases audience numbers, is to be believed, more than 80 million subscribers caught the rom-com. The company also cited Instagram data to show the film’s impact: Condor’s follower count jumped from about 100,000 to 5.5 million, while Centineo’s increased from 800,000 to 13.4 million.

“To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” clearly seemed to tap into an unmet demand. Now, the team behind the first film is hoping its sequel, “P.S. I Still Love You,” will too when it premieres on Feb. 12.

Based on Jenny Han’s best-selling 2014 novel of the same name, the first movie followed Lara Jean as she is forced to confront her emotions when private love letters she penned are sent to her past crushes — and to her current one, her sister’s ex-boyfriend Josh (Israel Broussard). While navigating the mayhem that ensues and trying to make Josh jealous, she ends up in a fake relationship with Peter, a popular but kindhearted jock. It’s not long before the fake relationship leads both to develop real feelings.

Casting the Vietnamese-born newcomer Condor as the endearing Lara Jean opposite Centineo (of “Charlie’s Angels” and “The Perfect Date”) resulted in palpable chemistry that certainly helped fuel the success of “To All the Boys.”

Condor said in an interview that she thought the excitement around the original stemmed from its wholesome, uplifting love story: “You kind of feel better after you watch it. You feel joy, and I think there’s something to be said about, right now, today, you kind of have to actively seek joy.” Centineo similarly saw the film as comfort food. “Chicken soup for the soul, baby. That’s what we want.”

But the film’s popularity was also driven by more tangible factors. For one, there had been a noticeable lack of successful film rom-coms for years. Movies like “10 Things I Hate About You,” “She’s All That” and “Drive Me Crazy” were staples of the late 1990s and the early 2000s, but that was the last time the teen rom-com was really prevalent on the big screen; “To All the Boys” was a rom-com for a new generation.

And it injected new life into the genre with its diverse cast of characters. Condor’s casting was seen as a win for Asian-American audiences, who had seen several Asian characters morph into white ones in recent screen adaptations. (See the controversies surrounding “Doctor Strange” and “Ghost in the Shell.”)

LeiLani Nishime, a professor of communications at the University of Washington, said Asian-Americans usually show up only “in certain kinds of genres” like sci-fi or family dramas “but things like detective films or rom-coms, you didn’t see a whole lot of Asian-Americans.”

The movie was a (partial) answer to the underrepresentation of such characters. Han said, “We’ve seen a certain type of rom-com many times, and I have never seen an Asian-American girl as the lead of a rom-com. So I think being able to experience the first blush of first love through her eyes, it felt really new and sparkly.”

“To All the Boys” was also released the same week as “Crazy Rich Asians,” and the combination of both films propelled a surge of interest in Asian-American romances onscreen. These two rom-coms of course couldn’t solve the lack of representation, but they did prove that Asian-American audiences wanted to see more of themselves onscreen.

In“P.S. I Still Love You,” once again adapted from Han’s romance novel series, the budding relationship between Lara Jean and Peter continues. But the onscreen antics are further complicated when another one of Lara Jean’s past crushes (and letter recipients), John Ambrose — played by Jordan Fisher — re-enters her life. With John, Lara Jean’s first love, in the picture, she has another dream guy to consider. John, unlike the suave, popular Peter, is both bookish and charming. What transpires is a love triangle that will probably spur an online battle of internet crushes.

“The truth of the matter is, when you have someone like Jordan Fisher up against anyone else, his competition should be afraid, very afraid,” Centineo said, “because he is charismatic, he is extremely intelligent, extremely articulate and more than anything, he’s just a kind human being and soul. And he knows how to cook.”

While Centineo said he knew that some viewers wouldn’t be thrilled with a rival love interest, he added that it made for a more compelling narrative. “When dealing with a franchise, especially one that was as successful as the first film, you really want to follow up with something that isn’t just exactly what the audience would want,” he said. But the romantic chaos will give fans endearing moments from Lara Jean that include stress baking and a “Cinderella” scene where everything comes to a head while she’s clad in a ball gown.

The sequel is filled with the same chemistry between Condor and Centineo that once sparked rumors they were dating. Despite that speculation, the two actors say they had just formed a tight bond. (Condor has been with her boyfriend, Anthony De La Torre, for more than four years).

“Acting with Noah is very, very easy, so, it doesn’t take a lot for me to love his heart and his mind,” Condor said, adding, “If people believe that we’re together or they want us to be, I think that means we did our job as actors.”

Centineo also noted that when they met they “were both in very similar places in our lives and we bonded on the pain that we were both experiencing.”

“P.S. I Still Love You” is about more than just romance, though. Just as one of the screenwriters, Sofia Alvarez, didn’t want the first film to be “about a girl who was in love with her sister’s boyfriend,” the second film follows Lara Jean as she explores what it “means to be vulnerable once you’re actually in that relationship and dealing with the other person as opposed to just thinking about being in a relationship with them.” Ultimately, Condor said, that will lead to more challenges for viewers. “The audience is going to be more frustrated at Lara Jean than they will be at the boys,” she said.

“P.S. I Still Love You” is part of a larger Netflix plan. Both Condor and Centineo said they wrapped filming on the final entry in the trilogy in August. While details about the third installment were limited, one of the producers, Matt Kaplan, said that the film centers on “Lara Jean and Peter dealing with what life is like when you have to start to make more adult choices, like going off to college and figuring out how to navigate bigger, more adult conversations about relationships.”

But the team behind the franchise thinks it will reverberate beyond the initial releases. Alongside films like “Crazy Rich Asians” and “Always Be My Maybe,” Condor said she hoped the “To All the Boys” movies would inspire more rom-coms to take Asian-American representation into consideration. “I think Asian-American actors have really kind of harnessed their power and they are trying to step into the space with confidence,” she said. “I am so proud to even be a little part of a movement that I hope is not just a movement, but is a very long forever process.”

And the producer Kaplan envisions the “To All the Boys” films becoming part of the rom-com canon, Kaplan said: “I hope that the franchise will resonate in a way that lasts for generations, and that kids can look back at these movies and Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky can kind of be known in history as one of these really charming romantic comedy couples.”

from WordPress https://mastcomm.com/entertainment/to-all-the-boys-ive-loved-before-and-to-fans-hungry-for-more-2/

[sowhatisthisfor]

LGBT-related films (worst to best)

Cos I get a lot of Qs about which LGBTQIA+ related film to watch. I tried putting together a list of films I’ve seen from worst to best. (Updated after I watched them):

Room in Rome [Julio Medem, 2010, Spain] This is porn. Nothing else. 1/10

Gigli [Martin Brest, 2003, United States] Atrocious. I have no words. 1/10

Very Good Girls [Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal, 2014, United Kingdom] Very bad film. 1/10 

Raven’s Touch [Dreya Weber and Marina Rice Bader, 2015, United States]  Yet another poorly narrated contrived drama by Bader. 2/10

Elena Undone [Nicole Conn, 2010, 2010] Very preachy, it’s like an educational video w/ characters too stupid to perceive the odds of forbidden love. 2/10

A Perfect Ending [Nicole Conn, 2012, United States] Tries too hard to be artistic. Isn’t artistic. 2/10

Rome and Juliet 

The World Unseen [Shamim Sarif, 2007, South Africa] Well they are beautiful. Nothing else is special. 2/10

Jenny’s Wedding [Mary Agnes Donoghue, 2015, United States] In which Jenny is marrying someone she clearly has no chemistry with in a film that’s too predictable. 2/10

Bare [Natalia Leite, 2015, United States] Nothing here feels real. 2/10

I Can't Think Straight [Shamim Sarif, 2008, UK-India] Who directed this crap again? Probably the worst ensemble cast I've seen, I need to laugh. 2/10

Breaking the Girls [Jamie Babbit, 2013, United States] Crazy twists, crazy characters. 3/10 

Anatomy of a Love Seen [Marina Rice Bader, 2014, United States] Forgot the importance of continuity, it feels like the first cut. 4/10

When Night is Falling [Patricia Rozema, 1995, Canada] Kind of flat but still worth a look. 4/10 

Bloomington [Fernanda Cardoso, 2010, United States] Poorly-directed that despite the chemistry, it is still so hard to believe. 4/10

Kesäkaverit [Inari Niemi, 2014, Finland] Just another summer story. 4/10

Below Her Mouth [April Mullen, 2017, United States] Besides the sexual chemistry between its two characters, nothing much is in there. Just another erotic lesbian film that's already bordering on soft porn. Not buying the "love" there. 5/10

Imagine Me and You [Ol Parker, 2006, United States] Cliche, stereotypical. Yet I found it enjoyable. 5/10

Kiss Me [Alexandra-Therese Keining, 2011, Sweden] With a storyline so common, it could have played more with its plot. 5/10 

Lost and Delirious [Lea Pool, 2001, United States] It should be okay if it didn't try too hard on making a point. 5/10 

Freeheld [Peter Sollett, 2015, United States] Page has a flimsy character, it’s so hard to love her—that even w/ Moore’s flair, their chemistry still fails. 6/10 

High Art [Lisa Cholodenko, 1998, United States] Solid, sexy, crafted characters. a psychological rollercoaster. 6/10

Les Chansons d’amour [Christophe Honoré, 2008, France] Has an interesting take on love, intimacy, and sexual desires, but has an ensemble of half-baked characters to make it work. 6/10

Our Love Story [Lee Hyun-ju, 2017, South Korea] I would love to have liked it but the chemistry doesn’t work for me. 6/10

The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister [James Kent, 2010, United Kingdom] Anne Lister in eighteen hundreds is interestingly and impressively way ahead of her time. 6.5/10 

Tipping the Velvet [Geoffrey Sax, 2002, United Kingdom] Starts off so good, but crumbles towards the end. 6.5/10 

Boy Meets Girl [Eric Schaeffer, 2015, United States] I would like it to go somewhere else, but everything is unexpected and that’s what’s best about it. 6.5/10 

Atomic Blonde [David Leitch, 2017, United States] I love it. I hate that they killed the part of her that makes her human, but I love it. 6.5/10

Heartland [Maura Anderson, 2017, United States] A lot of technical expertise is lacking but it's heartbreaking just the same. 7/10

Loving Annabelle [Katherine Brooks, 2006, United States] Despite its lack of plot, it was enough to love Annabelle. Seems half-cooked though by the end of the film. 7/10 

Affinity [Tim Fywell, 2008, United Kingdom] I’m very angry, disappointed, and affected. If that’s the goal, then it did I great job. 7/10 

Baka Bukas [Samantha Lee, 2017, Philippines] A realistic take on coming out and drifting apart. 7/10 

The Girl King [Mika Kaurismaki, 2015, Sweden, Finland] has a strong female character who does not dare conform to society’s truths. 7/10

Jorgen + Anne = Sant [Sewitsky, 2011, Norway] When it comes to love, who are we to judge? 7/10 

Show Me Love [Lucas Moodysson, 1998, Sweden] Rebellion, depression, confusion, fear, pain... This film is so sincere w/ what it wants you to understand. 7/10

That’s Not Us [William Sullivan, 2015, United States] Very real and natural, I’m nostalgic for reasons I cannot explain. 7.5/10

Stranger by the Lake [Alain Guiraudie, 2014, France] Engrossing in a strange kind of way. 7.5/10

Love, Simon [Greg Berlanti. 2018, United States] It’s a very familiar coming-of-age romance, but that familiarity is what made it stand out. 7.5/10

Ned’s Project [Lem Lorca, 2016, Philippines] Has a profound sense of lesbian issues w/ a well-thought-of character superbly portrayed by Angeli Bayani. 8/10 

Blue is the Warmest Color [Abdellatif Kechiche, 2013, France] The storyline is nothing I haven't seen before but how it's told is so sincere-it's honestly felt. 8/10

Pride [Matthew Warchus, 2014, United Kingdom] In which inspiring LGBT people fight for the rights of another oppressed community. A film about acceptance, respect, solidarity, and finding friendship amidst homophobia and union battles. It is truly uplifting and heartwarming. 8/10 

Beach Rats [Eliza Hittman, 2017, United States] Overall, a substantial commentary on the stigma of homosexuality and its effect on why people choose to hide. 8/10

Changing Partners [Dan Villegas, 2017, Philippines] uses strong dialogues and character play that makes it rare and magical. 8/10

Battle of the Sexes [Jonathan Dayton, Valerie Faris, 2017, United States] Makes me feel bad for not being alive yet when it happened. Ace. 8/10

Grandma [Paul Weitz, 2015, United States] I love the story, I love how it unfolds, and I love how it will live in me for sure. 9/10

Ang Huling Cha Cha ni Anita [Sigrid Andrea Bernardo, 2013, Philippines] Sometimes, it's the little heartache that reminds you of who you are. Absolutely astounding cinema. 9/10

The Hours [Stephen Daldry, 2002, United States] It has a perfect pinch of sadness which I am deeply in love with-sadness that's actually quiet yet blissful. 9.5/10

First Girl I Loved [Kerem Sanga, 2016, United States] a tender coming-of-age drama that tackles discovering self identity and the fear that comes with that realization. So raw, it’s thrilling. 9.5/10

Beats Per Minute (BPM) [Robin Campillo, 2017, France] Goosebumps. This is a film clear of its objective, it is exhilarating and exhausting in the good kind of way. 9.5/10

Thelma [Joaquim Trier, 2017, Norway] Meticulously-crafted film that questions fundamentalism as a basis for joy and purity. I yearn for films as poetic as this. 9.5/10

Moonlight [Barry Jenkins, 2017, United States] A rare impressionistic film on a man’s struggle to finding himself, something so rich in poetry and visual excellence, it’s spell-binding. 10/10

Fingersmith [Aisling Walsh, 2005, United Kingdom] Well-written, intensely-directed, and strongly-acted. Easily a favourite. 10/10 

Respire [Mélanie Laurent, 2015, France] With its overall well-observed direction, it’s compelling both visually and story-wise. 10/10

Call Me By Your Name [Luca Guadagnino, 2017, Italy, Brazil, France, United States] Its authenticity is incredibly palpable, I can taste it in my mouth. Something made with much love, my heart aches. Timothée Chalamet is remarkable. That last frame is unforgettable. 10/10

The Handmaiden [Park Chan-wook, 2016, South Korea] Lavish, sensual, beyond clever. Having watched and read Fingersmith won’t make this gem a tad predictable. Park Chan-wook’s adaptation even exceeded my expectations. 10/10

The Duke of Burgundy [Peter Strickland, 2015, United Kingdom] Remarkable. A film so beautiful, it’s so hard to forget. I love this too much, it’s almost haunting. 10/10

Carol [Todd Haynes, 2015, United States] a tough film w/ first-rate performances by both Blanchett & Mara that utterly make up for its minor dull moments. 10/10

[smartestcstudent]

Hi there. I’m embarrassed about the cliched nature of my problem which is probably why I’m airing it out on a random advice blog I just found rather than consulting a friend. But here goes. My husband and I aren’t getting along anymore. That’s not all that original. The twist is I think it’s our kids fault. I mean, not literally, but ever since we had them (boy and girl, ages 5 and 2) we have gradually enjoyed each other less and less. When they were babies everything was rosy, if overwhelming, of course. But lately it feels like once we get them both to sleep we’d rather zone out on TV than talk to one another. And if we do talk it seems like it turns into conflict, especially if the talk turns to the kids where we’ll butt heads, respectfully, but still butt them. I used to have a ball with this guy. We loved doing everything together. When we got married we were all gung ho to do the kids and white picket fence. Now everything with us just feels like it takes so much … effort. We’re like a real life Al and Peg Bundy. Is there anything to be done about this? Are we just going to be another predictably statistically dead marriage? - Laurie, 36, Madison, WI

Everything about our traditional mating patterns completely contradicts everything involved with our traditional notions of happily ever after. What do romantic relationships really consist of anyway? Spending time together. At first, spending fun time together. Going to drinks, dinner, movies, shows, museums, whatever it is that you like to spend your recreational time doing. Maybe the things you like in common. Maybe enjoying the contrasts in your interests. And on top of that hopefully really good naked time. Then once you’ve established that leisure-time bond you start doing the mundane things together. Shopping, cooking, familial obligations. Why? Because you’ve really gotten used to how this person’s presence makes the time pass quickly, so why not apply it to life’s drudgery to make it go easier. So you say, “hey, there’s a mind-blowing blowjob in it for you if you come sit at the DMV with me.” Sigh, young love.

Seeing as how you’ve successfully found someone you enjoy engaging with during leisure time, life’s drudgery and naked time, there’s clearly nothing left to do but lock that shit down with a ring and start replicating yourselves. And that’s where everything that formed the basis for your relationship becomes irrelevant. You’ve traded in a life of spending time with someone you enjoy to running a small business with them. Because the truth is that’s what having a family is like most of the time: logistics, budgeting, transportation, investment, board meetings about employees’ work and conduct. 90% of your time with one another will become about keeping the trains running on time and discussing how the train just got derailed. Leisure time? If you’re lucky, a couple hours a week. Naked time? If you’re lucky, a couple fleeting moments a month. Drudgery? Plenty and now your partner has become a part of it instead of just a helpful co-pilot.

Sorry to be so bleak in my evaluation of family. Obviously there are great rewards and pleasures in children and family life otherwise people wouldn’t keep doing it. But the realities of it often crash headlong into romanticized notions of a lifelong, loving relationship. Some relationships weather these realities better than others. Just because yours isn’t at the moment doesn’t mean you’re locked into a failed marriage. Kids are just one of many experiences over a lifetime that will change you and your relationship. The reason there’s always a round of applause when someone announces they’re having a 50th, 40th, 30th or even 20th wedding anniversary is that it’s a bit of a miracle for any relationship to survive all those experiences. My two cents would be for you to ride it out for the time being. Don’t try and force a reconnection. Acknowledge it, because it’s healthy to be open with one another about what’s going on. But don’t feel compelled to restart the fire out of panic that you’re losing one another. It might be just as good to give each other some space, let each other go out and hang out with other friends instead of each other all the time. After all, absence does make the heart grow fonder. And in time, if the viable connection is still there, you will find your way back each other in the new versions of yourself and your lives that exist now. And if you don’t, there’s no shame in calling it day on something that’s not working for you or your kids anymore. You didn’t fail, life just had its way with you.

Okay, so I have to vent here for a moment. Like most sane women on OKCupid, Match.com, Tinder, etc., I have a clear disclaimer in my profile that Trump voters are a no go with me. I’m pretty open-minded when it comes to dating people of all races, religions and have even dated a Republican in the past but getting involved with someone who thought it was okay to vote for that incompetent misogynist is just a bridge too far. ANYWAY, so I’m on a date with a charming fella recently. We’ve met for drinks for a feel-each-other-out session and everything is going well, better than these things usually go. Then towards the end, as we’re paying the check and I’m considering whether I’m going to give this guy my digits, he confesses that he’s a TRUMP VOTER. I mean, WTF. I’m so annoyed. And bewildered that this perfectly engaging and hot man is a MFing Trump voter. He represents something I clearly stand against and he basically lied to me by not being upfront with me. I can’t see him again...right?

On a related note, part of the reason I don’t want to date a Trump voter is because I hate thinking about him or being reminded he exists specifically because I want him to die. Literally. And I hate feeling like that about someone even someone as repugnant as him. I’ve hated people before. I hated Bush. But I never wished he or anyone else in the world would die. I just hate feeling that way about someone because it feels wrong. - Janine, 31, Oceanside, CA

Disclosing you’re a Trump voter when dating is a requirement on par with being up front with having a STD. Choices they made in the past have put people’s health at risk and it is fair for anyone dating them to know. Now, that said, is it fair to strike anyone who voted for Trump off your to-do list? It’s certainly fair to wonder about their judgment and what it says about them. The common assumption is that someone who voted for Trump is stupid. That’s probably reductive, but it’s certainly possible that they suffer from some kind of defect in ethics, morals or possibly common sense. But I’m not a big believer in evaluating people by the worst thing they ever did. Everyone makes mistakes. Just like how someone having an STD doesn’t mean they’re an irresponsible, disease-ridden degenerate, voting for Trump, as inexplicable as it may be, doesn’t guarantee this guy is a soulless misogynist. If everything else about him is agreeable and you want to give him a chance, I suggest asking him why he voted for Trump and whether he regrets his decision. A lot of people in this country made a big mistake last November. They got suckered by a con man. Give him a chance to reconcile with this because we’re all in this together whether we like it or not. If he can’t, or his answers don’t satisfy you, move on.

As for feeling guilt about wishing Trump dead, there’s nothing wrong with that. Your thoughts have no power. It would only be a problem if you felt motivated to act on those feelings. But wishing a repugnant, 70-year-old man who’s ruining the country would cease to exist is not an immoral feeling. I certainly wouldn’t want him to be assassinated. Murder always leaves a psychic stain no matter how much one may rationalize its justification. And lord knows Trump’s already going to leave plenty of psychic stains on this country without dying. But natural causes? Sure. Everyone has to die at some point so why can’t nature intervene and save us from this neverending disaster. Maybe I’m just a vengeful bastard, but I think the sweet relief of death is too generous for Trump. I’d rather he just had a debilitating stroke that left him making this face for the rest of his life.

Dude. This Alien: Covenant trailer is getting me psyched. But Prometheus blew mud. Am I a sucker if I go see this thing opening weekend? - Brad, 45, Tennesse

Back in the cinematic paleolithic age of the ‘70s when the original Alien was released, movies weren’t generally conceived as “franchises.” They weren’t set up from the get-go as trilogies or expanded universes and what have you. The filmmakers maybe left some wiggle room open to make more if it was successful, but they weren’t launching pads for properties that a studio could bilk ad infinitum. Even Star Wars, popularizer of the trilogy form, ended with no cliffhanger or indication there would be more. The “Episode IV” on the iconic opening crawl was added for the film’s re-release prior to The Empire Strikes Back’s release in 1981.

In the ‘80s though, sequels became big business. Movies still weren’t made with plans for future entries mapped out but anything that made a pretty penny would be green lit for another outing no matter how craptastic the plot drummed up to justify its existence. On the other hand, Jim Cameron’s Aliens is one of the greatest sequels of all time. It took one obvious question left over from the original - what laid all those leathery eggs the facehuggers popped out of - and mined it for all the suspense and action it could. It took the Xenomorph and simply multiplied it with a mama alien to battle and bring an end to the alien terror. It was an artistic, critical and commercial triumph that wrapped up the tale of Ellen Ripley and the Xenomorphs in satisfying conclusion. So clearly there had to be more.

The beginning of Alien 3 (yes nerds, I know the 3 is actually cubed but I’m way too lazy to figure out how to do that) set the tone for all the tortured, misbegotten sequels by crashing Ripley on a desolate prison planet and killing off the new characters from Aliens we’d come to love including Newt, the little girl to whom Ripley had become a mother figure. Good times. From then on each installment has been one grotesque mess after another, piling on an increasingly unnecessary mythology with decreasing results. Finally Ridley Scott decided to return to the thing he started with Prometheus, an Alien movie...with no aliens in it. It was a great looking movie that, as you eloquently put it, blew mud. That evaluation could honestly be applied to Ridley Scott’s entire career. Bizarrely, he’s been an A-list director for 40 years while only producing two great movies: Alien and Thelma & Louise. And no, Blade Runner shouldn’t be added to that list. It is the apotheosis Ridley Scott film in the sense that it is an amazing looking narrative clusterfuck and a complete bore. Nix on Gladiator as well. When the most memorable thing about a movie is that time the most detestable character on The Sopranos was obsessed with it, the movie wasn’t that great.

I get the appeal of Alien: Covenant. It’s got a fantastic cast. Who doesn’t want to hear Danny McBride mouth off at a Xenomorph? And yes, it looks fantastic with that iconic and still-terrifying-to-this-day alien drawing you in. Most likely though, it’s a hollow rehash of a tired franchise made by an overrated director. Proceed with caution.

Aural medication for the week: “Pure Comedy”

In need of advice? Send your questions to smartestcstudent@gmail.com

[mari-jimenez1181]

One Year Later...

I’ve been wanting to post this since January 10th, but, it was much too diffucult to put my thoughts together when I was so sad. 2016 was such a difficult year for me; so much loss. Not only with David’s passing but other influential people and personally, I lost my beloved cat of fourteen years and my so-called best friend of about the same time.

Reflecting on this past year, it’s been quite a journey. When I first heard the news; it was before I went to bed.I go to bed pretty late; well into the following morning. The news came on the TV as a breaking news report. In such disbelief, I brushed it off as some sort of joke. I said, “I’ll wake up in the morning and everything will be fine.This is just a joke someone is playing.” I didn’t give it another thought and went to bed. When I woke up in the morning, it was the news of the day. I said, “Okay,this isn’t funny anymore.” I was still in disbelief. It wasn’t until I heard the statement from David’s family that it became real. 

I spent the first two weeks listening to every Bowie track I could get my hands on. My boyfriend at the time was older and actually witnessed many moments of David’s career as they happened back in the 70′s and 80′s; told me many stories of what it was like back then. He was in junior high as David filmed his Soul Train episodes just down the street from his school. One of my favorite stories though,was when he told me about when his sisters saw David in concert. 

As time went on, those happy moments turned into sadness and the realization that our great starman was actually gone. The sadness of his passing turned into depression. No one really understood my grief and some didn’t care. I felt so alone and often thought that life on Earth without David was not a life worth living. I cried myself to sleep on most nights,when I could actually get any sleep at all. While on Facebook, I saw a few Bowie groups come up. The first one was titled, “The Church of David Bowie”. I thought, “Well,might as well.” I became a member and quickly found an outlet for not only my grief but also my love for all things David Bowie without judgement. I met a few people who have actually become really good friends. I even found a great love with one of them. I was added to other groups. It was helpful for awhile.

I still felt really sad but I didn’t feel as alone. I was still really depressed. After one of my sleepless nights, I decided to go out for a walk. I hadn’t been outside for weeks and thought it might make me feel better. I took Spotify with me and made sure I played something other than David. I played an 80′s playlist with only one song of his. I figured it probably wouldn’t play. I started to walk and wouldn’t you know it, “Let’s Dance” started to play after a block or so. I was about to change the track but I let it play. I waited for the street light to change to green.I crossed the street and after I was safely on the other side,this gust of wind came,seemingly out of nowhere. My mind went to David. It wrapped around me like a big hug. My body tingled and I hugged myself right there on the sidewalk.It lasted a good two minutes and then it was gone. I called out David’s name,but there was no answer. I do believe it was him that embraced me that day. It was a sweet feeling and it helped me go on about the day in a happier mood. It was the very first of his visitations and more came whenever I got too weary. 

Later,I became very inspired to start singing again. I hadn’t really sung since my days in my high school choir. I found a karaoke application on my phone and thought I’d try it. I had never tried singing an entire Bowie song either,so I decided I’d try “Life On Mars” since it was closest to the kind of music I was use to; Frank Sinatra. It was a challenge to say the least. I practiced the song over and over. Three months later,it was perfect. I got on my karaoke app and began to record. Every note was perfect. I felt an electricity come over me. A cold chill came over my body as  I sang. I didn’t feel alone in the room,but rather, like David was there with me. I sang the entire song and played back the recording. After awhile the feeling left me. All I remember thinking was that I hoped he liked my performance.I hoped that it made him smile. Over the course of the next year,I tried many of his songs. So many I never thought I could even sing. Some, I even got help with from some pretty awesome singers. Now, I can sing most of them with confidence. That’s actually one way David has helped me grow; pushing my boundaries and helping me get out of my comfort zone. 

Next,I got into some of David’s movies. There are still a few I haven’t explored yet. I can watch “Labyrinth” all day. “The Man Who Fell To Earth” is a little hard to watch ,but I do love it. I look forward to watching more soon. 

I think my grieving process was faster than a lot of people’s. But I couldn’t have gotten through it without David. That last,crucial step could’ve only come from him and it did. But,before I could get there I had to know certain things: Was he okay? Was he happy? Why did he leave? I couldn’t listen to Lazarus without crying. Half the time,I just blocked out the words. I wanted answers to these questions but part of me just couldn’t get past the tears. I couldn’t even bring myself to listen to “Blackstar” in its entirety. 

One day, I was feeling really depressed and thought,”Hey,why don’t i just listen to it?” I turned to my main Bowie group and asked if I should. Everyone said I should and that it was a great album. So I said,”Okay,I’ll listen.”

I laid down and pulled up Spotify on my phone. I searched for the “Blackstar” album, put on my headphones and pressed ‘play’. I laid the phone beside me and just listened. I stared up at the ceiling while “Blackstar” played. I had heard the song many times and didn’t have any problem with it. Maybe I should’ve been more emotionally moved by it,but i just wasn’t. The next song started to come on and my first thought was ,”Oh God,it’s “Lazarus”. I tried to reach over to where I thought I left my phone,but I couldn’t reach it. I was trying to reach over to get it but couldn’t even see where I left it. I felt a restiction on my right side. I tried to move but my whole right side had gone completely numb. I could only feel my left side while I laid there. I felt a warmth come over my left side. It felt as if someone was laying next to me. I heard, “Don’t fight it”...”Don’t fight me”, as my shoulders felt as if they were being pinned down toward the mattress. This was not a dream,I was wide awake. My mind quickly went to David and thought it had to be him. I sat up as “Lazarus” played. I was actually able to sit up. I felt no restriction at that point and called out to him. It was such a sweet and gentle voice. He sat right beside me. I couldn’t help it cry, “Lazarus” was still playing. It was getting to the part about the bluebird.I could see him next to me so vivdly. So,I think I was having a vision,as he had come to me many times before. He looked good. He looked healthy and young. I was crying endlessly still and he put his hand on my shoulder (I felt a warm sensation there),he said,”Don’t cry.Everything’s okay. I feel good.I’m happy. Looking down from heaven at everyone,I’m very happy.” I turned to look at him and asked,”Why did you leave?Why did you have to go?” I realize the answers to those questions were obvious but I felt compelled to ask. He replied.”I didn’t want to leave. It got so painful though.I just couldn’t live with the pain anymore. But,that’s why I fought so hard to make this album. Please listen to it,I made it for you.” I laid back down and continued to listen. I listened to the whole album. A few songs in,I fell asleep; then abruptly,I woke myself up. The album was on the last song. I sad up and looked around; there was no one there. I listened to a few songs again to make sure I  listened to everything. 

That was a major turning point in my grieving process. I still wasn’t fully there yet but I felt a little better. I understood more clearly,David’s point of view. It still took me awhile to fully reach and get over my grief. When I did though, it was a happy place. My tears became joyful. David still came to me and it even felt as if we became closer friends since our talk.One time,I was cooking and I felt him come into the room,he just started joking with me and I laughed.None of this is fictional, I really have felt him very deeply.I know it’s not just me; I’m sure that many of his fans can and do feel him. 

Now,as I look back a year later; it seems as if not much has changed. I didn’t think I would cry on the anniversary of his death but I did. Everytime I thought of him,I cried. He’ll always have a place in my heart and I think it’s awesome that people around the world still celebrate him every day,except for the Lady Gaga tribute...don’t even get me started on that one. 

I’ll always remember David in a very happy way. I’m going to see a Bowie tribute band in a few days,so stay tuned for that. I look forward to telling you all about it.

God bless and may Bowie be with you! 

[ladyofmisfortune]

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The Boy and the Heron How Do You Live? (2023) dir. Hayao Miyazaki

[mastcomm]

‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before’ … and to Fans Hungry for More

When “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” debuted on Netflix in 2018, it seemed like just the latest title in its “Summer of Love” promotion. There was “Set It Up,” “Sierra Burgess Is a Loser” and “The Kissing Booth.” But “To All the Boys” quickly proved to be a phenomenon.

The main character, a Korean-American high schooler named Lara Jean (played by Lana Condor), won over audiences who saw themselves mirrored in her life and mixed heritage. There was a surge of thirst for the internet’s newest crush, Noah Centineo (playing Lara Jean’s love interest, Peter Kavinsky). Sales for Yakult, a Korean yogurt drink, increased after being featured in several scenes, and by Halloween, Twitter was overloaded with images of costumes inspired by Lara Jean.

“To All the Boys” became one of Netflix’s “most viewed original films ever,” with many fans watching it repeatedly, according to Variety. If the streaming service, which selectively releases audience numbers, is to be believed, more than 80 million subscribers caught the rom-com. The company also cited Instagram data to show the film’s impact: Condor’s follower count jumped from about 100,000 to 5.5 million, while Centineo’s increased from 800,000 to 13.4 million.

“To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” clearly seemed to tap into an unmet demand. Now, the team behind the first film are hoping its sequel, “P.S. I Still Love You,” will too when it premieres on Feb. 12.

Based on Jenny Han’s best-selling 2014 debut YA novel of the same name, the first movie followed Lara Jean as she is forced to confront her emotions when private love letters she penned are sent to her past crushes — and to her current one, her sister’s ex-boyfriend Josh (Israel Broussard). While navigating the mayhem that ensues and trying to make Josh jealous, she ends up in a fake relationship with Peter, a popular but kindhearted jock. It’s not long before the fake relationship leads both to develop real feelings.

Casting the Vietnamese-born newcomer Condor as the endearing Lara Jean opposite Centineo (of “Charlie’s Angels” and “The Perfect Date”) resulted in palpable chemistry that certainly helped fuel the success of “To All the Boys.”

Condor said in an interview that she thought the excitement around the original stemmed from its wholesome, uplifting love story: “You kind of feel better after you watch it. You feel joy, and I think there’s something to be said about, right now, today, you kind of have to actively seek joy.” Centineo similarly saw the film as comfort food. “Chicken soup for the soul, baby. That’s what we want.”

But the film’s popularity was also driven by more tangible factors. For one, there had been a noticeable lack of successful film rom-coms for years. Movies like “10 Things I Hate About You,” “She’s All That” and “Drive Me Crazy” were staples of the late 1990s and the early 2000s, but that was the last time the teen rom-com was really prevalent on the big screen; “To All the Boys” was a rom-com for a new generation.

And it injected new life into the genre with its diverse cast of characters. Condor’s casting was seen as a win for Asian-American audiences, who had seen several Asian characters morph into white ones in recent screen adaptations. (See the controversies surrounding “Doctor Strange” and “Ghost in the Shell.”)

LeiLani Nishime, a professor of communications at the University of Washington, said Asian-Americans usually show up only “in certain kinds of genres” like sci-fi or family dramas “but things like detective films or rom-coms, you didn’t see a whole lot of Asian-Americans.”

The movie was a (partial) answer to the underrepresentation of such characters. Han said, “We’ve seen a certain type of rom-com many times, and I have never seen an Asian-American girl as the lead of a rom-com. So I think being able to experience the first brush of first love through her eyes, it felt really new and sparkly.”

“To All the Boys” was also released the same week as “Crazy Rich Asians,” and the combination of both films propelled a surge of interest in Asian-American romances onscreen. These two rom-coms of course couldn’t solve the lack of representation, but they did prove that Asian-American audiences wanted to see more of themselves onscreen.

In“P.S. I Still Love You,” once again adapted from Han’s romance novel series, the budding relationship between Lara Jean and Peter continues. But the onscreen antics are further complicated when another one of Lara Jean’s past crushes (and letter recipients), John Ambrose — played by Jordan Fisher — re-enters her life. With John, Lara Jean’s first love, in the picture, she has another dream guy to consider. John, unlike the suave, popular Peter, is both bookish and charming. What transpires is a love triangle that will probably spur an online battle of internet crushes.

“The truth of the matter is, when you have someone like Jordan Fisher up against anyone else, his competition should be afraid, very afraid,” Centineo said, “because he is charismatic, he is extremely intelligent, extremely articulate and more than anything, he’s just a kind human being and soul. And he knows how to cook.”

While Centineo said he knew that some viewers wouldn’t be thrilled with a rival love interest, he added that it made for a more compelling narrative. “When dealing with a franchise, especially one that was as successful as the first film, you really want to follow up with something that isn’t just exactly what the audience would want,” he said. But the romantic chaos will give fans endearing moments from Lara Jean that include stress baking and a “Cinderella” scene where everything comes to a head while she’s clad in a ball gown.

The sequel is filled with the same chemistry between Condor and Centineo that once sparked rumors they were dating. Despite that speculation, the two actors say they had just formed a tight bond. (Condor has been with her boyfriend, Anthony De La Torre, for more than four years).

“Acting with Noah is very, very easy, so, it doesn’t take a lot for me to love his heart and his mind,” Condor said, adding, “If people believe that we’re together or they want us to be, I think that means we did our job as actors.”

Centineo also noted that when they met they “were both in very similar places in our lives and we bonded on the pain that we were both experiencing.”

“P.S. I Still Love You” is about more than just romance, though. Just as one of the screenwriters, Sofia Alvarez, didn’t want the first film to be “about a girl who was in love with her sister’s boyfriend,” the second film follows Lara Jean as she explores what it “means to be vulnerable once you’re actually in that relationship and dealing with the other person as opposed to just thinking about being in a relationship with them.” Ultimately, Condor said, that will lead to more challenges for viewers. “The audience is going to be more frustrated at Lara Jean than they will be at the boys,” she said.

“P.S. I Still Love You” is part of a larger Netflix plan. Both Condor and Centineo said they wrapped filming on the final entry in the trilogy in August. While details about the third installment were limited, one of the producers, Matt Kaplan, said that the film centers on “Lara Jean and Peter dealing with what life is like when you have to start to make more adult choices, like going off to college and figuring out how to navigate bigger, more adult conversations about relationships.”

But the team behind the franchise thinks it will reverberate beyond the initial releases. Alongside films like “Crazy Rich Asians” and “Always Be My Maybe,” Condor said she hoped the “To All the Boys” movies would inspire more rom-coms to take Asian-American representation into consideration. “I think Asian-American actors have really kind of harnessed their power and they are trying to step into the space with confidence,” she said. “I am so proud to even be a little part of a movement that I hope is not just a movement, but is a very long forever process.”

And the producer Kaplan envisions the “To All the Boys” films becoming part of the rom-com canon, Kaplan said: “I hope that the franchise will resonate in a way that lasts for generations, and that kids can look back at these movies and Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky can kind of be known in history as one of these really charming romantic comedy couples.”

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