#my real home ll gravity falls

[llamanorthwest-archived2]

(there’s a sign like this somewhere in gravity falls)

[cades-outsider]

Eli/Hawk X Reader

Warnings: This may get you in your feels for a sec! Very slight smut warning!

Fighting Gravity

You would be lying if you said it wasn't tough, it was the hardest thing you have done. It's not easy breaking up with someone but you felt as if you had no other choice.

You were with Eli before he turned into Hawk, before he started becoming someone who he despised the most, he became his worst enemy; a bully.

Just as if the day could get any worse you had to be at school, well it was lunch time so it wasn't so bad. I mean you were already halfway through school just two more classes, that you also share with Demetri.

"Listen to me Y/n" Demetri says catching your attention.

You playfully roll your eyes as you know that he's going to tell you a cheesy Star Wars joke, that will most likely be funny to only you and Demetri and we'll Eli if he were a 'nerd' again as he calls it.

"Which Star Wars character works at a restaurant?" He questions, already laughing at the joke he was thinking of.

"I don't know who?" You ask sarcastically.

"Darth Waiter" Demetri says, now fully laughing at his own joke.

He laughs at his own joke caused to you to laugh, plus it was a cheesy move. The laughing dies down as you and Demetri stop, in the middle of the hallway. Eyes subconsciously connecting with each other's, you both feel yourselves being pulled towards one another.

"What the h*ll do you think you're doing nerd?!" You hear someone yell causing both you and Demetri to pull away, have being caught.

"I-uh well-" Demetri stutters before you speak up, Demetri sighs in relief.

"Why do you care? We aren't together anymore" You exclaim, as Hawk walks closer to you both.

"Yeah I wonder why, it's not like I wanted you anyways" He smirks.

You knew what was happening, you knew that he was just putting on a facade to the students that don't give a crap about him.

"Oh yeah? And how's that working out for you" You smirk.

"Quite well actually, I don't have to see your ugly reflection everyday" Hawk snarls.

"Yeah well neither do I" You scoff, almost saying something bad but you bite back your lip. Knowing that's Eli's insecure spot, that you shouldn't bring up.

  You bite back the urge to say something you'd regret in the long run "whatever I'm not even in the mood" you roll your eyes and walk away.

"Come on Demetri" You demand as he follows behind.

  "Uh- what was that?" He asks referring to the almost kiss.

  "I- I don't know" You admit honestly.

  He decides to not ask any more questions even though it kept running around his mind. After lunch, the day went by pretty fast you were driving on the way home when you got a call. It was Demetri.

Both Demetri and Moon decided to get your mind off of things, so she threw you a as she called it a 'get over hawk' party. Which was what Demetri called to tell you about of course.

"Come on Y/n! This will help you in-lighten your inner spiritual self!" Moon says jumping up and down, clapping excitedly.

"Fine fine fine...." you mumble, knowing you couldn't say no to Moon.

"Yay!" She exclaims happily.

"Come on I have the perfect dress for you!" She says pulling you into her closet full of dresses and unique outfits.

"Here! Take this!" Moon pushes the dress into your chest, excited.

  You don't even get time to check out the dress before Moon rushes you into her second closet, "rude..." you mumble playfully.

  You slip on the dress, with no problems at all. It fit ever curve just perfectly. "Wow.." you gape as you spin around looking at yourself in the mirror.

  The dress included a slit in the middle from your thigh and it was a sparkling blue shade, with spaghetti straps.

  Not even a second later Moon barges into the closet causing you to jump, she squeals cheerfully "o-m-g you look so sexy!" She says smirking, proud of herself.

"Wait, why am I wearing a dress when I'm just going to swim anyways?" You question.

"Oh you silly Y/n! We're showing Hawk what he's missing!" Moon says smiling as she grabs some of her green juice that she made.

"Okay.." You nod your head, trailing off.

"Plus I bought me a matching colored dress!" She says holding up the dress.

You gasp "it's beautiful Moon! You'll look gorgeous! As always" You gush.

Moon smiles slightly at the compliment "well what are you waiting for! Let me do your hair" She says ushering you in the chair.

After a couple hours Moon had finished your makeup and hair turning you around to see your beautiful reflection in the mirror.

"Wow.." you gape at the magic Moon had put into.

  "I know right!" Moon agrees.

  "Oo- I'm going to slip on my dress!" She exclaims happily as she rushes into her bathroom.

  An hour went by and people were finally here, kids eating pizza in the corner, some drinking beer, and some already throwing up in the lawn.... 'pfttt lightweights' you giggle to yourself.

  In the middle of your direction you seen Hawk and a group of his friends sitting around him, a red solo cup in his hands as his fierce eyes scan over the partying people. Only to be met with your beautiful shinning eyes.

  His demeanor changes almost immediately, he was tired of putting up this act yeah. But he did not want to go back to the kid with the weird lip, so throwing this act away was a no at least for now.

  His eyes sparkle with admiration as he scans your beautiful features, and your sparkling blue dress. He couldn't help but let his eyes wander to the slit in your dress which revealed your right thigh.

  Just then Demetri walks over to you with a wave "hey Y/n, would you like to I don't know per say go for a swim?" He asks, beating around the bush.

  Sparing a side glance at Hawk you notice his jaw clench as he squeezes his red solo cup causing whatever liquor that was held inside to drip down his hands and onto the floor.

  Deciding what harm could do you nod "I'd love too" you reply as he leads you both to the pool outside, few people in the pool which confused you considering it seems like people always head for the pool first at party's.

  Unzipping the side of your dress you reveal your white bikini that Moon had bought for you three days prior as a best friend-adversary gift along with a matching gold necklace.

  You of course returned the gesture as this was your best friend were talking about, you fold the dress and put it under your towel so it wouldn't get wet.

  Demetri had already started getting in the pool, sitting down as you got in slowly enjoying the cold water against your warm skin.

  "You know Y/n, you look not the term I would use... but you look mighty fine" Demetri compliments causing you to giggle but roll your eyes playfully.

  That is until you hear a cup hit the concrete ground next to you, "you just can't stay away from what's mine can you Demetri" Hawk interrupts.

  You look up at him in shock, obviously it was just a compliment so why is he getting all worked up. I mean when people compliment Hawk you certainly try to start anything with them.

  "Hawk, cool it" You say softly, not wanting to come off as rude.

  "Oh so I'm supposed to 'cool it' while I watch Demetri flirt with you? H*ll no." He states bluntly as he starts walking closer to Demetri.

  Deciding you didn't want to see one of your friends get beat today, you pull yourself out of the pool. Gently you grab hawk by his forearm, grab your towel and push him into the pool shed full of floats.

  Roughly you slam his back against the wall causing a couple floats to fall off the wall "we need to talk" You state.

  Hawk's breathing picks up at how close you both are, "no talking" he says sliding his hands onto your cheek, rubbing his thumb in circles against your skin.

  "Just kissing..." He mumbles before placing his lips upon yours, pulling your body closer into his causing him to get wet since you just got out of the pool.

  You pull away leaving Eli with a hurt look as you push onto his chest pressing him against the wall firmer "we talk and sort things out then I give you what you want." You state firmly.

  Slowly Hawk nods, giving you puppy eyes "Look Eli, I love you I really do. But I don't like watching you become someone who you used to hate, I don't want you to inflict pain mentally... and physically like others did to you" You exclaim softly, rubbing his cheek soothingly.

  His jaw clenches before he soon relaxes "i understand Y/n, and I'm sorry I just didn't want to be the weird kid with the lip anymore..." He mumbles, slowly tearing up.

  "Eli... baby, you were never the kid with the weird lip. I love you for you, not strength, muscles, or popularity but you. I loved your corny jokes-" You rest your arms around his neck "-I loved your shyness, I loved your battle scar baby... it's what makes you my Eli" You finish as a small tear falls down Eli's eye.

  "Don't get me wrong, I love your confidence now and I love your hair but I didn't want you to get to wrapped up in it" You mumble softly.

  "I'm sorry Y/n, I really am" Eli mumbles, digging his head into your shoulder and wrapping his arms around your waist.

  "Don't be Eli, baby I understand what happened and I know why it happened but just know I always loved and always will love the real you" You say smiling as you lift his head up with your thumb.

  You run your finger over the scar on his lip before placing a gentle, loving kiss upon the scar "this is beautiful Eli, don't be afraid to love who you are" You praise as Eli feels his heart warm up with love.

  Eli reaches down and picks you up by your thighs before placing you on the little couch that laid in the room, he places his smooth lips on top of yours letting you feel his vulnerable state.

  He tugs in the middle of your bikini asking for permission if he cold take it off but before you could respond someone busts into the shed causing you both to jump.

  It was some horny couple making out and slamming each other against the walls removing clothing not even paying attention or noticing you two.

  "Seriously?! Get out!" Eli yells, startling the couple causing them to rush out half naked.

  You giggle as you rest on your elbows, sitting yourself up a little as Eli sits on his knees halfway straddling your thighs.

  "You think this is funny huh?" He teases has he bends down leaving kisses on your neck.

  "Yeah, I love the rush of being caught" You exclaim, catching Eli off guard.

  "Oh really? We'll see about that"

_______________________________________________

Thank you @peachymelon69 for requesting! I hope you enjoyed!

[thelastspeecher]

Pirate AU - Shore Leave

A coupla times this week I randomly got inspired to write some Pirate AU stuff.  And I got some good news yesterday, so I decided I’d post the stuff I wrote.  Like a gift to myself, that kind of thing.

So here’s some more Pirate AU content, but most importantly, some Pirate AU Stangie content.  Plus a bit of bonus Shermie content.  Enjoy.

(For context, this takes place a few years after this ficlet.)

——————————————————————————————

              “Thanks for watching the kids, Maria,” Stan whispered. “You can head home.”  Maria got up from the kitchen table.  On her way out, she tsked at Angie.

              “You know better, mija.  Be smarter and faster next time.”

              “Of course, Maria,” Angie said.  Maria shook her head disapprovingly one last time, then left.

              “Sit down, you gotta get off your feet,” Stan instructed his wife.  Angie obediently took a seat at the table.  Stan sat next to her.  “Angie.”

              “It’s a good thing I’m pregnant,” Angie said jovially.  Stan scowled.

              “Then we must be defining ‘good thing’ differently,” he growled.

              “If I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t have been able to delay ‘em hangin’ me,” Angie said.  “Without that, you ‘n the crew wouldn’t have rescued me from the clink in time.”

              “You got caught pirating!” Stan snapped.  “You were about to be hanged!  Yeah, you were able to delay it this time, but next time?” Silently, he thanked whatever deity he believed in that day that they had come back from the rescue mission late enough the kids were asleep.

              Don’t want ‘em to see their parents fight. And judging by Angie’s already frustrated expression, this was definitely going to be a fight.

              “There won’t be a next time.”

              “You’re damn right.”  Stan met Angie’s eyes squarely.  “‘Cause you’re giving up piracy.”  Angie’s eyes flashed with anger.

              “You have no right-”

              “To what?  Want my wife safe?  Want my kids to grow up with both parents?  Angie, I can’t- I can’t live like this anymore!  I can’t watch you go to sea, knowing that you might not come back.  I love you too damn much to let you keep throwing your life away like this!”

              “This is the first time I’ve been caught,” Angie said, but her voice lacked some of the bite it had earlier.

              “Now that it’s happened once, it’s gonna happen again.”  Stan reached out and took ahold of one of Angie’s hands.  He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb, feeling the thick scars from years of piracy.  “There are some injuries that, when you recover from ‘em, you’re never the same. You’ve had a lot of those.  It’s already started catching up with you. You know that.”  Angie looked away.

              “I…”

              “Give me a single reason you can’t leave piracy.”

              “You know my reasons.”

              “They were reasons you had when you first started. But they don’t matter anymore, Ang! Your name – your real one – got cleared. You’ve got a family and a home. You’ve got money.  Give me a reason that still applies.”

              “I…”  Angie looked down at the floor.  After a moment, she sighed.  Without saying a word, she got up and walked away.

              Shit.  Did I overstep?  Stan started to get up.  No. He sat back down.  Give her a bit of space.  You know how she is.  When a few minutes had passed, Stan couldn’t hold himself back any longer.  He followed her outside.  In the light of the full moon, he could see her talking to Dan. He walked over.

              “Thanks fer savin’ me,” Angie said quietly.  “Not just- not just tonight.  All those other times.  I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t fer you.”  Wordlessly, Dan enveloped her in a hug.  “Take good care of her, Dan,” Angie said, her voice cracking with emotion. They broke apart.  Dan ruffled Angie’s hair, nodded at Stan, and began to walk down the road that led to town.

              “What was that about?” Stan asked.  Angie’s shoulders shook.  “Ang, is everything all right?”

              “No!  I’m- I’m pregnant, I’m sure it’s twins again, I was almost hanged tonight, and I just gave up everything I spent most of my life buildin’ up!” Angie snapped.

              “You…”

              “Dan’s goin’ to run Sweet Viola fer a few months before easin’ her out of the game.”  Angie’s head drooped.  “This pirate king is hangin’ up her crown.”

              “Angie.”  Stan tilted Angie’s chin to look into her eyes.  Eyes the color of the sea.  “Thank you.”

              “You never thank folks,” Angie mumbled.

              “That’s how you know I’m serious.”  Stan grinned.  “And you’re not giving up all the shit you spent so long on.  You’ve still got me.  You’ve still got the kids.  All five of ‘em.”

              “No, darlin’, it’s definitely goin’ to be six,” Angie insisted.

              “What makes you so sure?”

              “A woman knows.”

              “If you say so.”

              “That’s no way to talk to yer captain.”

              “You just gave up your ship,” Stan pointed out. Angie looked away.  Stan wrapped an arm around her shoulders.  “I’m just kidding, babe.  You’ll always be my captain.”

              “Damn straight,” Angie muttered.  “By the way, I might be givin’ up piracy, but I ain’t givin’ up thievery.”

              “Good,” Stan said.  “I’m gonna need your help to keep the shop stocked.”  Angie managed a soft laugh.  The two stayed outside.  Their home was atop a seaside cliff, from which they could see the dark ocean reflecting the pale moonlight.

              Angie buried her head in Stan’s shirt, crying, as her ship disappeared over the horizon for the last time.

-----

              They walked past a shop with a number of nice dresses in the storefront window.  Promptly, Danny and Daisy made a beeline for it, cooing over the fancy fabrics.  The whole family was in town to run a few errands.  Stan glanced at his wife.  Angie wasn’t happy she had been dragged out of the house, but Emmett refused to go anywhere without her.

              “Mama, look!” Danny said excitedly, pointing at the dresses.  Angie forced a smile.

              “Yes, dear, they’re very nice.”

              “You should get it!  It would look so pretty on you!”

              “She’s got a point,” Stan whispered to her. Angie sighed heavily.

              “It would be nice to have some more clothin’ options.  I noticed the other day that I don’t have many dresses.”

              “What are you talking about?  You’ve got plenty!”

              “Yes, fer this!”  Angie gestured to her enormous baby bump.  With how big she was getting, Stan had finally begun to agree Angie was likely right, that they were having twins for a third time.  “But after I give birth?  Most of the clothes what ‘ll fit me were fer workin’ on the ship.”

              “So, something that a nice housewife wouldn’t wear,” Stan said.  Angie nodded. “Well, want me to treat you to somethin’ nice?”  Angie rolled her eyes.

              “I don’t think even you can steal a whole dress in public without bein’ caught, darlin’.”

              “I wasn’t gonna steal it.  I was gonna buy it.”

              “Buy it?”  Angie put her hands on her hips.  “Who are you and what have ya done with my husband?” she asked, aghast. Stan laughed.  “It’s prob’ly expensive.  I’m fine.”

              “After the kids are born and you’re back to normal, I’ll get you somethin’ fancy, okay?” Stan said.  He held out his arm.  Angie took it with a smile.

              “All right.  If ya insist.”  She leaned in to talk quietly.  “Darlin’, in all seriousness, yer okay with buyin’ somethin’ rather than stealin’ it?”

              “Ang, I haven’t done much crime ashore.  Only small stuff I know I can get away with. I didn’t wanna risk getting caught and leaving the kids all alone while you were at sea.”

              “…Right.”  Angie sighed again.  “I keep forgettin’ how little I’ve been on land with you ‘n the kids.”

              “You’ve got plenty of time to catch up on everything.”

              “Yes.  Since I’m now permanently on shore leave.”  Angie raised her voice.  “Girls, leave the dresses alone, we have to go to the market.”  Reluctantly, Danny and Daisy abandoned the dresses and ran back to their parents.

              “Papa, I wanna piggy-back ride,” Daisy whined.  From his perch atop Stan’s shoulders, Emory blew a raspberry at his older sister.

              “Emory’s got littler legs than you do,” Stan said. Daisy crossed her arms.

              “Emmett’s walking just fine!” she argued, gesturing at Emmett, who was holding Stan’s hand.

              “What have we talked about?” Angie asked patiently. Daisy pouted.

              “Being a good big sister,” she muttered.  Angie ruffled her hair.

              “Don’t worry, honey, when we get to the market, you can do some more pocket practice,” she cooed.  Daisy’s eyes lit up.  She nodded. The family continued walking down the street, Danny and Daisy running ahead eagerly.  Stan grinned cheekily at Angie.

              “You’re getting lazy, having the kids pickpocket for you,” he teased.

              “I’m too pregnant to be quiet and get away fast,” Angie said.

              “Fair.”

              “I’m glad that even if yer not willin’ to do much crime lately, yer not extendin’ that to the kidlets.”

              “It’s a lot easier to brush off a six-year-old taking something than a grown adult.”

              “Mm, true enough.”  Angie smoothed the fabric of her dress.  “Once I’m shipshape, I’ll get to restockin’ the shop, darlin’.”  She smirked.  “I’m damn fine at sleight of hand.  Not to mention, no one would accuse the sweet housewife of larceny.”  Stan chuckled.

              “I knew I married the right woman.”

              “Mama, what’s larson?” Emmett asked abruptly. Angie smiled at her son.

              “A grown-up word ya don’t need to worry ‘bout.”

              “Like ‘damn’,” Emory said helpfully.  Stan and Angie grimaced.

              “…We should probably work on cleaning up our sailors’ mouths if we wanna avoid attracting attention,” Stan said quietly. Angie nodded.

              “Agreed.”

-----

              Shermie walked up to the unassuming house.  A large sign outside read “McGucket’s Marine Antiques”.

              This is the right place, then.  Good.  Being a merchant, Shermie had to spend a lot of time away from his family, so he made sure to bring back souvenirs from each trip.  This trip, to a small town called Gravity Falls, had been woefully bereft of potential souvenirs.  As such, he’d been relieved when a local told him about the store on the edge of town full of fun and sparkly things.

              “Ma’am,” he said politely to the woman sitting on the porch, supervising two toddler boys playing on the front lawn.  On either side of her was a basket holding a young infant.  The woman looked up at him curiously.  Recognition flickered in her eyes.  She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, one of the infants began to fuss.  The woman quickly began to soothe the infant.                 Shermie ducked into the house.  The room he was in looked like a proper shop.  Shelves lined the walls, groaning underneath the merchandise.  Some larger items, like a rusted anchor, were set on the floor, with price tags that seemed far too high to Shermie.  Two young girls in the corner giggled to each other as they picked through a box on the floor full of even more small items.

              “Welcome to McGucket’s Marine Antiques!” a voice boomed. A familiar voice.  Shermie’s eyes widened.  He turned.  Behind the store counter was a face he hadn’t seen in over a decade.

              “Stanley?” Shermie croaked.  His little brother gaped.

              “…Shermie?”

              “Stan, what are you- how- you-”  Shermie ran his hands through his hair.  “The people in town said the man who ran this store was named Stan McGucket, not Stan Pines.”  Stan grimaced.

              “Yeah.  Uh…” Stan looked over at the girls in the corner.  “Danny, Daisy.”  The girls looked up.  One had the distinctive Pines nose.  “If anyone comes in, go get your ma and have her handle the customer.”  The girls nodded.  “All right, Shermie, come with me, I’ll answer all your questions.”

              “You better,” Shermie mumbled.  Stan pushed open a door located behind the counter. Shermie followed him into the house proper.  The living room they walked into was cozy and nautical-themed, full of décor that looked like it came from a ship.  Stan gestured to a couch.  Shermie sat down.  Stan sat in a chair across from him.

              “The people in town said this place was run by Stan McGucket because it is.”

              “But how-”

              “I’ll tell you everything, but first, what do you know?” Stan asked.  Shermie raised an eyebrow.

              That’s…interesting.  Stan’s careful dodge reminded Shermie a lot of how his brother would construct lies as a teen.  He would ask what someone knew, then build his lie around that information.  Asking first allowed him to avoid contradicting something known to the person he was lying to.  Hopefully he’s not lying to me now.  I’ve fallen out of practice seeing through Stan’s lies.

              “You were captured by pirates over a decade ago,” Shermie said, deciding to take Stan at face value.  “At some point after you were captured by pirates, Stanford disappeared at sea.”  Stan nodded.

              “Yeah, that’s right.”  He sighed.  “Ford actually caught up to the ship I was captive on.  I got free in the fight, but Ford…he…”  Stan looked down at the ground.  “Well, I didn’t see his body, so I’m holding onto the hope that he’s still alive.”

              “Stan…”

              “The people in town know me as Stan McGucket ‘cause that’s my name now,” Stan continued, talking over Shermie.  “While I was captured by pirates, one of them decided he liked my name and took it.  I didn’t like the idea of sharing a name with a pirate, so I took my wife’s last name.”

              That smells like a lie.  Shermie’s brain caught up with what Stan was saying.  Wait, what?

              “You’re married?” Shermie asked.

              “Yeah.  You saw Angie – my wife – outside.  At least, I hope you did.  She said she was watching four of the kids out there.”

              “I…”  Shermie kneaded his forehead.  “Okay. Now I need to know how you met your wife.”

              “After I escaped from the pirates, I decided to stay at sea to look for Ford.  I didn’t- I didn’t wanna come home without him, y’know?”

              “Yes, I do,” Shermie said quietly.

              “I managed to get a spot on board a merchant ship where her brother, Lute, was first mate.  He was looking for her after she got captured by pirates.  Eventually, we found the ship she was on and rescued her.”

              “You…you rescued your future wife from pirates?” Shermie asked, dumbfounded.  Stan nodded. “Why am I not surprised?”  Stan smirked slightly.

              “We both stayed at sea as merchants,” he continued, “and fell in love pretty quick.  After we had the first set of twins, I decided to move ashore with ‘em. Angie, she, uh-”  He laughed quietly.  “She decided to keep sailing.  Even after we had another set of twins.”

              “Really?”

              “What can I say?  I married a free spirit.”

              Makes sense Stan would find someone like himself.

              “When she found out she was pregnant for the third time, though, we had a long talk, and decided that she’d move ashore with me permanently.  I like having her close by.”

              “I’d imagine having her help with the kids would be nice as well.”

              “Eh.  We’ve got some former crewmates in town that love watching the kids,” Stan said with a shrug.  “That’s why we settled here.  With that help, keeping track of the kids wasn’t what I was concerned about.  I missed my wife.”  There was something more, though.  A haunted look lingered in Stan’s eyes.

              “You were worried about her safety,” Shermie said. Stan looked away.  “I can’t blame you.  It’s dangerous to be a merchant.”

              He’s already lost his twin to the sea.  Of course he doesn’t want to lose his wife, too.

              “Yeah, well.”  Stan cleared his throat.  “I’ve got Angie on shore with me now.  We’ve got six great kids.  Life’s pretty good.”

              “Yes.  I can see that.  Mom will be relieved to hear you’re fine.”

              “She’s gonna show up within a week of you telling her,” Stan mumbled.

              “Can you blame her?” Shermie asked.  Stan shook his head.

              “Not after having my own kids, no.”  The door opened.  The woman from outside, who Shermie now knew to be Stan’s wife, Angie, poked her head into the room.

              “Darlin’, should I be plannin’ on an extra person fer dinner?” she asked.  Shermie tried to hide his surprise at Angie’s strong accent.

              “No need,” Shermie said, getting up from the couch. “I need to be going back to my ship before long.  But before I head out, I should do what I came here to do.”

              “What’d you come here for?” Stan asked, getting up as well.

              “To buy something for my kids.”  Shermie raised an eyebrow.  “Might I be able to get a family discount from my little brother that disappeared for ten years?”  Stan sighed heavily.  “If I get a good deal, I might forget to mention you to Mom for a few days…”  A twinkle appeared in Stan’s eye.

              “Make it a week, and I’ll see what I can do.”

              “Deal.”

[spohkh]

Super important question! If you had to make a mixtape of the top 13 Taylor tracks about Dean and Cas, what songs would you choose?

OKAY THIS WAS SIMULTANEOUSLY SO HARD AND SO EASY TO DO. i rly wanted to get smth from every album but all except 3 are from rep to evermore fjsjfjsjfkfds oops :)c 

anyhoo, in no particular order, my 13 taylor destiel tracks!

1. invisible string  

time, mystical time, cuttin me open then healing me fine. were there clues i didn’t see? and isn’t just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me? // hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

2. hoax  

my only one, my smoking gun, my eclipsed sun, this has broken me down. my twisted knife, my sleepless night, my winless fight, this has frozen my ground. // my only one, my kingdom come undone, my broken drum, you have beaten my heart. don’t want no other shade of blue but you. no other sadness in the world would do. // your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in.

3. false god

we were crazy to think that this could work. remember how i said i’d die for you? we were stupid to jump in the ocean separating us. remember how i’d fly to you? // they warned us about times like this. they say the road gets hard and you get lost when you’re led by blind faith. // but we might just get away with it. religion’s in your lips, even if it’s a false god. we might just get away with it. the altar is my hips, even if it’s a false god. we’d still worship this love. // i know heaven’s a thing, i go there when you touch me, honey. hell is when i fight with you. but we can patch it up good, make confessions and we’re begging for forgiveness, got the wine for you.

4. peace

and you know that i’d swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches, give you my wild, give you a child, give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other. family that i chose now that i see your brother as my brother. // but i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade, ocean wave blues come. all these people think love’s for show but i would die for you in secret.

5. dancing with our hands tied

i loved you in secret, first sight, yeah, we love without reason. my love had been frozen deep blue, but you painted me golden. // i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us. i’m a mess, but i’m the mess that you wanted. ‘cause it’s gravity keeping you with me. // i’d kiss you as the lights went out, swayin as the room burned down. i’d hold you as the water rushes in.

6. stay stay stay

you took the time to memorize me, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. i just like hangin out with you all the time. all those times that you didn't leave, it's been occurring to me i'd like to hang out with you for my whole life. stay, and i'll be lovin you for quite some time. no one else is gonna love me when i get mad, mad, mad, so i think that it's best if we both stay.

7. mine

do you remember we were sittin there, by the water? you put your arm around me for the first time. you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. you are the best thing that's ever been mine. flash forward, and we're takin on the world together, and there's a drawer of my things at your place. you learn my secrets and figure out why i'm guarded. you say we'll never make my parents' mistakes. // do you remember all the city lights on the water? you saw me start to believe for the first time.

8. willow

i'm like the water when your ship rolled in that night. rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife. and if it was an open-shut case, i never would've known from that look on your face. lost in your current like a priceless wine. the more that you say, the less i know. wherever you stray, i follow. i'm beggin for you to take my hand, wreck my plans, that's my man. // wait for the signal and i'll meet you after dark. show me the places where the others gave you scars.

9. cowboy like me

eyes full of stars, hustlin for the good life, never thought i'd meet you here. it could be love, we could be the way forward, and i know i'll pay for it. // and the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up. and the old men that i've swindled really did believe i was the one, and the ladies lunching have their stories about when you passed through town, but that was all before i locked it down. // i've had some tricks up my sleeve. takes one to know one, you're a cowboy like me. and i'm never gonna love again.

10. state of grace

and i never saw you coming, and i'll never be the same. // you come around and the armor falls, pierce the room like a cannon ball. now all we know is don't let go. // so you were never a saint, and i've loved in shades of wrong. we learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts. but this love is brave and wild. // this is a state of grace, this is the worthwhile fight. // these are the hands of fate, you're my Achilles heel. this is the golden age of something good and right and real.

11. don’t blame me

don't blame me, love made me crazy, if it doesn't you ain't doin it right. lord, save me, my drug is my baby i'll be usin for the rest of my life // somethin happened for the first time in the darkest little paradise... shakin, pacin, i just need you. // for you, i would cross the line, i would waste my time, i would lose my mind. they say, "she's gone too far this time." // my name is whatever you decide, and i'm just gonna call you mine. i'm insane, but i'm your baby. echoes of your name inside my mind, halo hidin my obsession. // and baby, for you, i would fall from grace just to touch your face. if you walk away, i'd beg you on my knees to stay.

12. cardigan

i knew you, dancin in your levi's drunk under a streetlight. // i knew you, your heartbeat on the high line, once in twenty lifetimes. // to kiss in cars and downtown bars was all we needed. you drew stars around my scars // i knew you, steppin on the last train, marked me like a bloodstain. i knew you, tried to change the endin, peter losin wendy. i knew you, leavin like a father, runnin like water. // i knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss, knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs ... knew i'd curse you for the longest time, chasin shadows in the grocery line, knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired, and you'd be standin in my front porch light, and i knew you'd come back to me. you'd come back to me. you'd come back to me. you'd come back.

13. lover (Miracle on Cornelia Street AU theme song!!!)

there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear. have i known you for 20 seconds or 20 years? // can i go where you go? can we always be this close? forever and ever. take me out, and take me home. you're my, my, my, my lover. // i'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you. i've loved you for three summers now, honey, but i want 'em all. // my heart's been borrowed and yours has ben blue. all's well that ends will to end up with you. swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover. and you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me, and at every table, i'll save you a seat, lover.

[mariamermaid]

Sweater Weather

Bucky Barnes X Reader

Summary: Just some cute fluff

Words: 2.1k

A/N: Inspired by the iconic song by the Neighborhood

Halloween Masterlist

 All I am is a man

I want the world in my hands

I hate the beach

 He remembered the vague idea of the beach in the back of his mind. It was hidden within the crowded thoughts, but Steve had mentioned it. He was there with his family and his little sister Becky. And now he was there again and everything was different.

Bucky stood at the beach, the weather wasn´t beachy like at all. Grey clouds spread across the sky, from the horizon crawled up even darker ones. Far away it poured in buckets, a hint of droplets hitting his bare skin as well. The wind almost felt like punching his face at an unpleasant speed, the feeling of sand itching under his clothes and his cozy sweater. But a small smile played on his lips.

 But I stand in California with my toes in the sand

Use the sleeves of my sweater

 It didn´t matter to you that it would soon rain and that the palms looked like stripped down toothpicks. The sand was cold and the icy water crashing against your feet. Or the trained assassin by your side.

You were happy.

You turned to look back at Bucky, his eyes watching you closely, never leaving your body. A hint of angst, as if you could disappear any moment. Instead, you pulled the sleeve of his thick sweater, pulling him a little closer and his feet reached the hard waves as well. His arms hugged your waist, he smiled as you put a strand of hair back behind his ear. A few short strands didn´t make it into the bun, you had precisely taught him the use of bobby pins, but apparently it was too much for him. The hair tie around his wrist was already good use for Sam to make fun of him.

“What are you thinking about?” You asked him, his eyes travelling down to your lips, then back to your eyes. He shrugged. You rolled your eyes.

 Let's have an adventure

Head in the clouds but my gravity's centered

Touch my neck and I'll touch yours

You in those little high waisted shorts, oh

 The sun had set, just a few minutes ago and the last rays left the surface of the ocean. The back window of the van was decorated by fairy lights and you stared out the window. It was nice and cozy inside. You already wore your pajama pants, which were still short, not caring about the close to freezing temperatures outside. The smell of tea crept through the van, then you felt Bucky´s weight on the bed. A few seconds later he appeared next to you, handing you a cup with tea. His shoulder brushed against yours and then remained there. The cold metal of his prosthetic arm piercing through the clothes, touching your bare upper body. You turned your head to find him already looking at you.

 She knows what I think about

And what I think about

One love, two mouths

One love, one house

No shirt, no blouse

Just us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about no

 When you woke up, which was usually before Buck, you felt your legs tangled up with his. In the night you hadn´t felt the cold sneaking into the van, in which you lived now for two weeks. But now that you climbed out the heavy sheets, you almost shivered. With a surprising amount of hand skill, Bucky and Sam were able to put a small oven into the van. You started the heating process and fetched your book, to read a few pages before Bucky would wake up. The fall weather allowed you more than ever to stay in bed all day. The sun hadn´t made an appearance in four days and it was dark and grey all day long. You spent your days reading, watching movies and talking and you enjoyed and appreciated the time. You truly did. It was a peace neither of you had for a long, long time. A warm arm suddenly reached around you, pulling you against his body, your back against his chest.

“How´s the story coming along?” He asked in a raspy morning voice.

“They´ve reached the elves now.”

 'Cause it's too cold whoa

For you here and now

So let me hold whoa

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

 A few days later you found yourself in probably the most stunning forest ever. All the leaves were colored in an auburn tone, some of them already fallen down. You ran through the heaps of leaves and laughed as Bucky finally caught you. Your feet left the ground as he spun you around until you both landed in a giant heap of leaves. You laughed exhaustless and your voices echoed through the trees. You couldn´t remember how long it took, but when your laughter died down, you stayed there. In an unfathomable amount of brown leaves and starred at each other. You had never imagined to be at a place like this, hell, you hadn´t even thought it was possible. The golden autumn sun reflected in Buckys blue-greyish eyes.

 And if I may just take your breath away

I don't mind if there's not much to say

Sometimes the silence guides our minds

So move to a place so far away

The goosebumps start to raise

 “What if we looked for a house?”

The question completely took you by surprise and you almost chocked on the spaghetti, Bucky had so carefully prepared. He chuckled, but in his eyes was honesty.

“I thought you liked the van life?”

You had been three months on the road and it was the best time of your life. But you hadn´t expected Bucky to grow ready so soon. It always seemed to far away in the future to even think about.

“I do, I really do. But what about a nice house? Maybe close to the mountains and with a view over the forest? With a small herb garden for you?”

You wanted to protest but resisted the urge. You had enough reserves to buy a house and why not? You had been together for a little more than two years, friends for five, the timing couldn´t be more perfect.

“Do you have anything specific in mind?”

 The minute that my left hand meets your waist

And then I watch your face

Put my finger on your tongue

'Cause you love to taste yeah

These hearts adore

Everyone the other beats hardest for

Inside this place is warm

Outside it starts to pour

 Autumn was coming to an end and you still hadn´t found a single house or apartment that you genuinely[AK1]  liked. You weren´t picky but…

The first one was too big, with three bathrooms and awfully artificial. Too clean, too much of a hospital feeling and the white counter tops were cold.

The second one, was an apartment in a small city, but the neighbors were nosy and the people in the town were driven by prejudices and vanity. You didn´t feel welcome what so ever.

The third one did technically seem fine, until the realtor hit on you, tried to kiss you and therefore got his nose broken. A truly unfortunate event.

It was a catastrophe. The more you thought about it, the more you fell in love with the idea of moving into a real place. But nothing seemed to work and you had already given up the idea of happily ever after, when Bucky stormed into the van. It was pouring and a small puddle already formed under his feet in the heavy boots. There were magazines and papers stacking up in the van and taking away valuable room, you grew annoyed of them with each day.

“I think I found something!”

 Coming down

One love, two mouths

One love, one house

No shirt, no blouse

Just us, you find out

Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no

 “Something.” It was a very precise description. And you couldn´t put it into other words. It was indeed something.

A house just like you wished for; small, cozy with a view over the foggy woods. The only problem? It wasn´t finished at all.

The windows hung tilted, the roof wasn´t finished and therefore not leakproof. The wooden floor was wonky, but it was gorgeous. In the way it built up when you reach it with the car, how it appeared between the thick trees.  How the kitchen and living room window perfectly faced the forest, and the backyard rose above the valley. How you smelled the wooden scent of firs and moos. How the few birds left the country to fly somewhere warmer.

You walked back from the second floor; your mouth opened in awe. “It´s beautiful, but….”

The realtor was nervous, he truly was and he had every reason to. You were the last couple to even see the house, he needed to sell it. But who would want a hovel like this?

Bucky didn´t even need to ask you, he was sure, like he never had been in his life.

“We´ll buy it!”

 'Cause it's too cold whoa

For you here

And now

So let me hold whoa

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

 It had taken a lot of work, nights of staying up late to ensure that there were no more water leaks. Then there was a long blackout that threw you completely off from your original plans. And a heavy storm that blew around half of your supplies- all in all; it was a rocky path, but now you finally stood in the house you could call your own. Not because you bought it, but because together you made it a real home.

The thick sweater hugging your body barely gave enough warmth, the mug in your hand steaming into your face. Just like so often, you admired your newly gained view.

Two strong arms hugged your body from behind and yawning, you leaned against Bucky.

“Y/n?” He asked quietly.

“Hm?” “You´re happy here? Right? Here with me?”

Surprised by his question and the nervous sound in his voice, you sat down the mug on the ceiling. “Yes, of course! Why would you ask that?”

“Because there is something I´ve been waiting to ask you since we met…”

 'Cause it's too cold whoa

For you here and now

So let me hold whoa

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

 You found yourself awaking in a bed, it wasn´t the van. It felt surreal as you watched the sun fight through the clouds and the off-white curtains. Your alarm echoed and you almost flinched, but then you quickly fetched the phone.

Reminder: Dinner with Avengers, today, 6pm.

Bucky was awake now as well, he grunted tiredly but then grabbed your hand with his. The freshly placed ring on your finger was perfectly fitting. “I need to go shopping”, you explained with a whiny voice, while he kissed your hand again.

“Why did you have to promise them that we would cook?” He asked instead and you punched his shoulder playfully.

“You wanted to invite them over!”

After a short break and you staring at his still tired eyes, you brushed back his strand of hair. It felt like a deja-vu, but in a good and calming way. You knew Bucky liked his rituals; they gave him a sense of security and safety.

“You wanna come?” He shook his head and kissed your nose, while slowly but surely making his way out of bed. “Nah, I´m gonna make some good pancakes and orange juice, so when you come back, we can have breakfast together.”

 'Cause it's too cold whoa

For you here and now

So let me hold whoa

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold whoa

 “And you seriously said yes?” Sam asked now for what it felt like the hundredth time. He still couldn´t believe it, Steve on the other hand, sat proudly nodding at the table. He couldn´t do more than wish you and Bucky all the best.

“Who would´ve believed that our little winter soldier could be that romantic?” Tony commented and the table erupted in laughter. A little awkwardly, Bucky pulled you by your waist to his side.

“It was you, who wanted to tell them immediately, don´t you dare forget that”, you hushed him and kissed his cheek.

“I knew I would regret it”, he chuckled. “Inviting them or asking me?”

It was his time to playfully punch you again. “Them, obviously them.”

“Well I´m happy you told us and Y/n, you cooked wonderful as always.” Thor exclaimed and raised his cup, the others joined him in the action.

“To Y/n and Bucky!”

 For you here and now

So let me hold whoa

Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold

It's too cold

The holes of my sweater...

 [AK1]

[destiny-smasher]

I used to be close friends with one of the composers for Steven Universe. I watched them rise from a YouTube remixer living in a cramped bedroom in a shared apartment with nothing but a mattress on the floor and a keyboard beside it to owning a house, happily married with a whole backyard garden and a cat because they found success working on one of the biggest cartoon shows I’ve known. But they broke off that friendship earlier this year and it’s made my biased love for Steven Universe become very difficult to grasp with. Understanding how and why we weren’t friends anymore was likewise difficult to grasp, even after hours of us trying to hash things out and resolve it. And while we DID resolve things amicably (I hope) and peacefully, it wasn’t until Steven Universe: The Movie that I was really able to feel like I could see the forest from the trees and ‘get’ what happened. This will be a kind of review of the movie, but mostly it became more of a personal ramble relating my real life experiences with Aivi to those of characters within SU, especially the antagonist of the Movie. This is lifted from this Twitter thread, so it was originally written stream of consciousness and I’m sharing it here to keep it more readable and archived. This is a bit of a read so tucking it behind a ‘read more.’

--

"You keep on turning pages for people who don't care about you And still it takes you ages to see that no one's there Everyone's gone on without you"

Time to finally talk about the #StevenUniverse Movie. Strap in 'cause this gon' get personal.

It should go without saying BUT I am gonna be talking about the movie! Dunno how in detail per se but I can't properly say what I wanna say without diving into some of the important plotty stuff. So yea.

Don't read this thread if ya don't want #spoilers #sumovie 

First off, I wanna talk about what this movie does well. Going in, I had heard it was framed like a musical. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea, though it wasn't surprising. After all, the 'musical' style episodes tend to resonate quite a lot. 

I think they work great when it's one song in a 10 minute episode, but an hour and a half of songs? I wasn't sure how well that would go. Turns out, pretty well. This is due to many factors but primarily the variety of song styles and art styles used throughout. Basically every scene has a primary song that drives it home, and basically all of them have a different genre/tone as well as visual presentation style. A lot of work went into getting it all to work together and feel cohesive. TBH for me personally the main highlight of the movie was honestly the animation. Average TV goers might just see "yup sure looks like a cartoon" but on the whole, on average, the movie is CLEARLY animated and framed with much more dynamism and detail than the majority of SU. Getting to see these characters we've gotten to know over the past few years a couple years in the future, generally at peace with things, but animated with more detail than ever, THAT is the true highlight of the film for me. Naturally, there was a lot of bits of comedy, often relying on knowledge of what the characters have been through, and I felt a lot of bittersweet smiles throughout as this felt like a good send off for Steven and his Space Moms. It managed to work in cameos from basically everyone you'd expect, some of which...didn't work out as well as others (specifically, the Diamonds bookending the movie was a bit forced and weird IMO but they ARE important to the lore even if I find them boring tbh) It was nice getting to 'catch up' with everyone, and the plot itself uses a generic 'gotta save the world again' thing (bleh) in a creative way, at least -- it all becomes an excuse to "re-live" the four primary heroes' stories through song. Cool enough. Something the movie inadvertently highlights, however, is the fact that SU as a series really started spinning its wheels a lot for its second half, in particular. Much has been said about how and why and why or not this doesn't matter, etc. etc. I was just along for the ride. I've repeatedly expressed my personal bias in the series' favor for a long time, and now? I kinda don't really have that personal bias anymore. I still love the show, I still think it's one of the best cartoons I've ever seen. But those rose-tinted glasses are off now. Taking said glasses off and actually listening to and looking up what critics of the show had to say kind of unearthed a bunch of things I had kept sweeping under the rug for the sake of personal bias/support of someone I loved and cared for a lot. We'll get back to that. I say all of this because the movie ironically failed to do much of anything NEW, something the series itself kind of struggled with for a while until it finally got around to the conclusion of Steven's story arc. The film ultimately kind of ends with "yeah Steven can change!" Which, um yea? Obviously. He's a completely different person than he was in S1. But he's kiiiiinda been the same person for....some while now. The weird irony of SU as a series is that about halfway through the narrative, the protag has essentially grown up, done. The last half or third or so of SU's narrative was basically Steven having to cheer everyone around him up and help them deal with their shit, and...kinda just going about that essentially the same way every time. The power of love, the friends we made along the way, etc. To be clear, there's nothing BAD about this, and in fact it's what sets Steven apart from most every other narrative of this type. The protag is almost always forced to change in ways they don't want, do things they don't want to do, etc. But when you put it side by side with something like Avatar or Gravity Falls, those series saw everyone growing alongside each other. There are clear arcs for everyone, almost all of which get resolved in ways fitting each character. It's imperfect but it's varied. SU has a tendency to just...hammer everyone's character flaws and arcs with ONE option: just love yourself and be nice, and everyyyyyyythinggggg 'll work out in the end! Which is fine, but when a story does it for so long, over and over, always the same, it gets a bit weird. I specifically LIKED in the film, at the end, that Steven actually does have to fight, because THAT is what Spinel needed to do. She needed to let out all of that anger, and that violence was her own way of doing it. 'you can't just sing a song to make everything go away' etc. It's typical, perhaps, for protagonists to have to tackle problems in different ways because that's LIFE. The fact is, Steven's approach will NOT save everyone. Lapis stilllll kinda stands as an example of this but an as of yet unresolved one. I liked that at the end of things, Spinel still doesn't come into the same fold as everyone else. Basically "sorry, I already fucked this up too much, I can't really deal with this," and that is IMPORTANT and I really liked it. Before really digging into the personal angle, I want to bring up how fascinating it is that the movie essentially had a real BUDGET and so they deliberately seemed to design an antagonist that would take full advantage of that animation budget. EASILY, by far, Spinel is the most interesting-to-watch antag in the whole series imo, in terms of how she moves and fights, etc. They really just wanted to flex and they did it, but like any SU antag there's (somewhat predictable) motives. This gets back at what I was saying before -- how the series spins its wheels a lot -- but Spinel's motivation/back story isssss kiiiinnndaaaa a lot like many many characters' issues and, like, I get it. We get it. Steven's Mom was Not The Best does that have to be the basis behind kinda EVERYONE who goes against Steven? Or the Gems? Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot all offered more varied motivations, and even THEN, Bismuth was still essentially in the same boat? Anyway, I digress. I DO appreciate the way the series set up Rose as this wondrous lovely lady and has severely dissected and broken that down to the point where I really do not like Rose, in any of her ID's, as a character or a fictional person, and it did so gradually. A lot of what the movie did was kind of expected. Right? Songs, singing, check. Steven going about things the same way, check. Re-living/celebrating how far he and his moms have come, check. What I didn't expect was -- OK, well, there WAS that one fusion...which, um

But the actual thing that really latched onto me was how much I conncted with Spinel. As is the case with any story that has well presented characters, you can attach to SOME part of just about all of them. I associate most closely with Pearl overall but can relate with just about anyone prominent. I see parts of me and Jenny in Steven/Connie, in Ruby/Sapphire, in Peridot/Lapis. I see what kind of woman I might've become in Amethyst (and sometimes am). Spinel, though, is a really weird case because I see my adolescent self in her SO MUCH and yet fairly recent events in my life -- directly tied TO the show itself, mind you -- make that connection weirdly poignant and present. For some context, I used to be good friends with Aivi, one of the musicians who works on the series with their husband. Spring 2018, Aivi and I vocalized to each other that we considered one another one of the closest friends in each other's lives. We're no longer friends. To make sure this is clear, I think Aivi is a wonderful person, and our breaking apart wasn't violent or dramatic or anything, Aivi just...decided they weren't interested in the relationship anymore. And neglected to tell me this until like a year later. The context is of course not at ALL as severe or dramatic as Spinel/Pink, so please don't assume there's some one-to-one there. But OOF are there some harsh similarities and it really made Spinel's backstory sting in a very confusing way. I say 'confusing' because, as I mentioned, I see my adolescent self in Spinel. The way I was going about making friends matches her 'happy' self. The way I acted in my senior year of college matches her 'angry' self. There was no single person that created any of that, though. In high school, I was like Starfire, in college, I tried to nurture that, play to my strengths. I failed miserably. And what I feel is a big part of why is inherently tied to my transitioning (which is, still, something I feel I am failing miserably at). By the end of college I was more like Raven, and there I remained through the duration of my first long-term romance, into a very weird and atypical marriage and breakup, and then I moved to CA and started changing. Fittingly, my current self can't quite ID with any single Teen Titan. I'm not a teen anymore, after all. Throughout a lot of my friendship with Aivi, they really seemed to fixate on comparing me to Pearl. It sometimes made me uncomfortable the particular ways they did, though. I strongly identified with Pearl's flaws and strengths in personality (though we're obviously different people), and so seeing Pearl go through redemption via self-love and self-acceptance meant a lot to me. "It's Over, Isn't It?" I was IN THE ROOM listening to Aivi and their husband work on the chorus to that song. Obviously they couldn't talk about it but I knew damn well what it was about, and anticipated that piece for a long time. Now it's even more weirdly painful. I met Aivi because they made Mario arrangements they put on YouTube and they happened to live a few blocks away when I was subletting my first summer in CA. They seemed very kind and caring and eager to Be Nice and at the time I really needed that at a very vulnerable and fragile time in my life so I latched onto that. -In The Garden- The week when the LiS terfs freaked out on me and that Bad Spinel side of me lashed back, and I found myself suffering from being gaslit and facing the fact that the worst part of myself that Trigon in Raven's mind that Angry Spinel was still THERE was still ME It was too much For the first (and thankfully, only) time in my life, I experienced suicidal thoughts. And Aivi REACTED to that shit. Strongly. In a way no one ever had for me before, ever. They drove across the Bay to my house, picked me up, had me over, and helped me process it. And in the months to come, as I was healing and coming to terms with how That Worst Part of Me That I Wanted to BE RID OF was still THERE and apparently could just fucking show up, through all of that, Aivi helped me work through things, and we really bonded. In retrospect, though, it's SO damned hard for me to tell if Aivi and I became so close because of mutual respect or pity or just conditioned behavior to Be Nice and Keep Up Appearances. I dunno. What I know NOW is that apparently Cost More than I would've thought. I'm not Aivi so I don't want to really dig into 'dirt' (again, Aivi is a great person who works very hard and that's WHY their work is so good) but looking back, it's wild to see their progression into SUCCESS and fame while I just stood by, floundering The thing is, Aivi was a super busy person. We barely got to spend time together -- when we DID, it was a multi-hour affair and apart from like, Jenny, Aivi is prolly the person I've had the deepest, most vulnerable conversations with. They were next to me when I realized 'oh huh I'm maybe trans??' because they were there when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I never ASKED them to be there, to Be So Nice and as it turns out, Being So Nice is harder than it looks. So to kind of loop this back to the movie, I wasn't some Skullgirls Peacock Cuphead grinny goof or anything like that but I AM WILLING to bet that from Aivi's POV the way Happy Spinel acts toward Steven is prolly how I felt in Aivi's life at points, at the least. The irony is that we would go weeks, months, barely interacting. But looking back, the way Aivi talked about things, the same phrase keeps dominating my mind: Aivi got bored of me. I wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. Aivi said that day in spring 2018 was like 'the climax' of our friendship, or something like that. Way they talked about it was like...the finale of a season of TV. Our character arc together was over. Even though we TALKED about it, came to mutual understandimng of The Logic behind Aivi's decision to cut ties, I don't think it ever REALLY made sense to me, how Aivi must've felt about our friendship, until Spinel. By spring of 2019, my role in Aivi's life -- from what they have told me, from what I can perceive -- was more like I existed in a separate space from the rest of their life. I was that one interesting person always waiting in The Garden for them to visit when they felt like it Because while Aivi had gotten BIG, gotten MARRIED, gotten a HOUSE, found legitimate SUCCESS in their creative field I was still poor still stuck in retail still unable to find an audience still unable to understand the pressures of Success And OOOOFFF in those last couple years, interacting became more and more strained for both of us, from opposite ends of things. Aivi had responsibilities, PEOPLE vying for their attention, people wanting to hire them, projects to complete, a house, a spouse, etc etc My life was (and kiiiinda still is?) nothing like that, and as our Mutual Creatives Struggling to MAKE THINGS and Get By transforming into Yep I Am Still Here but you are SUCCESSFUL I think that really put a lot of strain on things I never accepted until Spinel. After Aivi hit it big with SU, in particular, they gradually started...acting differently. Acting in ways that made less and less sense to me. They were a Diamond now. And I was still just what I was. When drawing comparisons to characters on the show, Aivi persistently compared me to Pearl. A fact I once took pride in. They repeatedly compared themself to Garnet. Which...always kind of didn't make sense to me. Aivi wasn't really like Garnet. They are more NOW, though? In the sense of how they act, I suppose. Specifically, one of the last things Aivi said to me was that trying to be friends with me had started feeling like Pearl trying to force Garnet to fuse with her. This was problematic because from my POV nothing of the sort was happening. All I was looking for was occasionally hanging out a few times a year. Like. Ya know. Actually a lot less than what I was looking for with basically all of my other friends. And that was still Too Much? But when I start looking at things like Pink Diamond and Spinel instead of Pearl and Garnet, somehow things make a lot more sense. I was probably too clingy, too exciteable, and what amusement or relief I could provide eventually stopped being useful. Aivi eventually didn't even want to spend time with friends to just...spend time with them. Everything had to have some kind of practical Purpose to it, it had to be contributing to a Goal. I still don't get that, tbh. But I'm also not A Diamond. I'm not Successful. The most responsibility I have right now is fucking hanging up the laundry to dry. I have college loans that have and continue to feel pointless to try and repay. I have severe dental problems I haven't been able to fix. My body fell out of shape because of retail hell, and what energy I’ve had to spare from that always ends up going into the people I love, and trying to keep Making Things. Let's not forget The Complications of coming out and wanting to transition but not possessing the resources to do so. (Aivi was actually super supportive of this btw and was the first person to make me feel comfortable wearing feminine things so yea) Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that MY LIFE is not together. My personality is? I feel like I am finally Myself in terms of mental/emotional stability. And that is largely because Jenny helped me get there. But Aivi helped a lot with that, too. But I think Aivi got to a point where Success was more of a measure of how Grown Up and Healthy one was because despite my behavior, my personality, my mood, what I was asking for, and what I was giving, all changing DRASTICALLY after being with Jenny, I think Aivi still...looked at me the way Pink Diamond looked at Spinel during that song. Like, "yeeeaaaa ok kiddo it's time for me to go now, kinda done here" This is what's so confusing about all of this metaphor/etc. I'm not...like Spinel anymore? My current, post-coming-out self doesn't really relate with Happy OR Angry Spinel. It's almost like Aivi couldn't see me for who I became, and could only see me for who I had been. And maybe that's like why Spinel can't be friends with Steven at the end. It's too painful. I used to take pride in being associated with Pearl because "I'm enough" and "being strong in the REAL way" but now it's more like "oh you just think I'm still hung up and needy and clingy?" which uh don't feel so great a comparison. I can't help but wonder if while working on the movie, Aivi saw some of themself in Pink. Because I'm not the only person who apparently wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. And I'm not saying we should've kept forcing something that wasn't working. Not at all. What we had was good for both us, but it also entailed a lot of patience on my part and effort on theirs. And unlike any of my other long term friends, I often ended up waiting weeks, months, "Happily wondering night after night, Is this how it works? Am I doing it right?"

Years and years of broken friendships, one after the other, most lasting merely 6 months, MAYBE a year at most, with a handful that have lasted since middle school (but which are so much harder to maintain) took a toll on my Adult Self until Jenny, anyway. For quite a long time - the majority of my life, currently - I assumed I just was Too Different and that was why my friendships didn't seem to last, didn't seem to extend to the depths I was looking for. That's perhaps one critical difference between Spinel and I: she's looking for FUN, for smiling faces, for attention, for creating smiles, I just want some fucking consistency. At this point, I'm not even sure WHY I still reach out to people. I don't NEED friendships in that desperate way I used to, back in the Happy/Angry Spinel times. And I've come to terms with that Other Max part of myself and integrated it, accepted it. My worst parts are still me and instead of suppressing them (often by relying on bids of deep friendship with others) I just have to let them EXIST and let them do their thing once in a while. This is ALL why Celeste hit me as hard as it did. Because even if I'm not actually much like Spinel anymore, and Aivi's not really like Pink Diamond, even if I don't actually share much in common with Madeline (other than the subtle 'I drink sometimes to deal with my problems' thing, which I don't anymore) I still comprehend and resonate so much with that concept of just needing to accept the worst parts of yourself and work with them rather than trying to keep them caged up and then they escape and rampage every 5-10 years or so and ruin your life As I felt myself coming to all of these Good Feelings I FINALLY felt like I could help Aivi in the ways they had helped me. That I finally had something to offer I didn't before. Turns out, I didn't, apparently. Aivi had More Important Things to do than visit me in The Garden. And I couldn't blame them. Not a bit. Especially if they had gotten bored of visiting me. I didn't like feeling like a burden on them, either. Can't really argue with that. During the last time we talked, Aivi didn't use the WORDS, didn't literally say them, but I finally could see it: I wasn't Useful anymore. I couldn't Understand, either, because I wasn't Successful. Our friendship was rewarding, but because it required effort. And that effort was still worth it to me, but no longer to them. I was no longer worth it. And despite that, despite starting to feel those hunches, I spent those final months -- as had been the case before, they were afraid to hurt me so avoided actually confronting the problem -- I remained "Happy to listen, Happy to stay Happily watching her drift away" I have no idea if any aspect of our friendship impacted anything Aivi had worked on creatively. TBH Aivi seemed to approach even relationships themselves with more of a logical, pragmatic style -- it was entirely unique compared to anyone I had ever connected with. But if you've read @lis-allwounds then it might not surprise you to know that a lot of what I expressed through Stella and Max, as well as Other Max and Another Stella, channels a lot of these things. I even quoted Aivi directly in the story's end (perhaps foolishly optimistic) And yes, that epilogue moment of sorts is gonna be entirely different if I ever do finish the visual novel. The fact is that we were ALWAYS very different people and our friendship was weird and complicated and hard for one or both of us throughout its, what, 8 year duration? Ironically, I think I took away the opposite 'Character Arc Lesson' they did from all this. But that's just the thing, nothing is permanent for a Human Being. We aren't Gems, we don't actually fuse, we can't just change our appearances when we feel like it, or project ourselves to look how we want to look, or exist for thousands of years. But we DO all have different needs, different ways of understanding those needs, and different ways of needing to adjust or change ourselves or our environments in order to pursue what we want to pursue with the limited time we have here. We tried, hard, and it lasted long enough. If I'm not useful, I'm not useful, I guess? I don't have any ill will toward Aivi, I loved them as a friend and I know they loved me, too, and were better at showing it than most any friends I ever have had. If I'd been better at reciprocating in ways that were actually useful, that would've been good -- but then maybe we wouldn't have become friends in the first place if I hadn't needed 'saving' in the first place, I don't fuckin' know. And I hope my saying all of these things doesn't make anyone think any less of Aivi because your relationship with them is, very likely, not at all personal like mine is. And you know as well as I do how good they are at what they do. Aivi took the time to ease me out of things. Aivi did NOT suddenly up and vanish for thousands of years. While the dynamics of the situation might bare sharp points of similarity, Aivi is not like Pink Diamond and I'm not like Spinel -- not in the present, anyway. Stories help us because they share THREADS with reality but it's always important to recognize those threads for what they are and not confuse them for ropes. And me ranting and tossing all of this out there is something part of me has wanted to do for months but needed to take the time to grieve and process and accept. And maybe it's selfish to be posting all of this, I don't know. But it helps me accept myself and them a lot more. "Finally something finally news about how the story ends" Aivi likely has brand new friends, better ones than me, and I'm willing to bet some of them worked on this movie. And it turned out pretty good, all things considered, probably in part because Aivi was able to focus on it That person I became friends with, she doesn't exist anymore. Just like how who I used to be when Aivi first me, he doesn't exist anymore, either. We both changed, and grew in opposite directions, I guess. We've found happiness and growth and relief in different ways. In the end the Movie helped me come to terms with all of this in a way Angry Spinel younger me couldn't have still hurts yo

"Isn't that lovely?

Isn't that cool?

Isn't that cruel?

And aren't I a fool

to have happily listened,

happy to stay,

happily watching her drift away"

[arthurandhispendragons]

For @quoderospero: You asked for this

Under the cut is my full list of Taylor Swift lyrics that hurt me and make me think of Merthur mostly, but also other characters. Enjoy and feel pain with me!

Also tagging @violetchachkii in case you get bored and ever want to hurt me with gifsets :)

Don’t Blame Me: 

“For you, I would fall from grace, just to touch your face”

Breathe: Honestly, this whole song is just Merlin directly after 5x13

“Now I don’t know what to be without you around”

“I can’t breathe without you, but I have to”

“Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.”

“Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout”

King of My Heart:

“And all at once you are the one I have been waiting for, king of my heart, body and soul”

Last Kiss: a lot of this doesn’t fit lyrically, but the general feeling is very post 5x13

“Never imagine we’d end like this. Your name, forever the name on my lips”

“The life of the party, you’re showing off again, and I roll my eyes, and you pull me in”

The Story of Us: 

“So many things that I wish you knew. So many walls up I can’t break through”

“I used to know my place was the spot next to you”

If This Was A Movie:

“Six months gone and I’m still reaching, even though I know you’re not there”

“Come back, come back, come back to me like you would, you would, if this was a movie”

“If you’re out there, if you’re somewhere, if you’re moving on. I”ll be waiting for you, wary since you’ve been gone”

“But if this was a movie you’d be here by now”

The Other Side of the Door:

“I said leave, but all I really want is you”

“And don’t you leave, cause I know all I need is on the other side of the door”

“I can’t even look at you, I don’t need you but I do, I do, I do”

Mine:

“You are the best thing that’s ever been mine”

Treacherous:

“Put your lips close to mine, as long as they don’t touch. Out of focus, eye to eye, til the gravity’s too much. And I’ll do anything you say, if you say it with your hands. And I’d be smart to walk away, but you’re quicksand.”

“I can’t decide if it’s a choice, getting swept away. I hear the sound of my own voice, asking you to stay. And all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along. Forever going with the flow, but you’re friction.”

This Love: Actually, fuck this song because it’s gonna make me cry. Literally post 5x13 until Arthur comes back

“Clear blue water, high tide, came and brought you in...current swept you out again, and you were just gone and gone, gone and gone.”

“In silent screams, in wildest dreams, I never dreamed of this.”

“Your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees”

“These hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me”

Stay Beautiful:

“If you and I are a story that never gets told, if what you are is a daydream I never get to hold, at least you’ll know.”

You Belong With Me:

“Been here all along so why can’t you see you belong with me?”

Sad, Beautiful, Tragic:

“Words, how little they mean, when you’re a little too late”

“In dreams I meet you in warm conversation. And time is taking its sweet time erasing you”

FIfteen: This is Merlin arriving in Camelot

“Count to ten, take it in, this is life before you know who you’re gonna be”

Superman: This song is more Arthur as a character and Arthur/Gwen as a ship

“He’s got his mother’s eyes, his father’s ambition”

State of Grace: 

“And I never saw you coming. And I’ll never be the same”

“These are the hands of fate, you’re my Achilles heel, this is the golden age of something good and right and real”

New Year’s Day:

“Don’t read the last page, but I stay when you’re lost and I’m scared and you’re turning away”

“Hold on to the memories they will hold on to you”

Delicate:

“I pretend you’re mine all the damn time”

Superstar:

“I’m no one special just another wide eyed [boy] who’s desperately in love with you”

“You smile that beautiful smile and all the girls in the front row scream your name”

I Did Something Bad: This whole song is Morgana but here’s the highlight

“If a man talks shit than I owe him nothing. I don’t regret it one bit cause he had it coming.”

I’m Only Me When I’m With You: Once again, basically the whole song

“And sometimes we don’t say a thing, just listen to the crickets sing. Everything I need is right here by my side.”

“And I know everything about you, I don’t wanna live without you”

“Well you drive me crazy half the time, the other half I’m only trying to let you know what is and isn’t true. And I’m only me when I’m with you.”

“When I’m with anybody else, it’s so hard to be myself and only you can tell”

Everything Has Changed:

“Cause all I know is we said hello, and your eyes look like coming home. All I know is a simple thing, everything has changed.”

“Come back and tell me why I’m feeling like I missed you all this time”

“You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours all I know since yesterday is everything has changed”

A Place in This World: Again, Merlin in Episode 1

“I don’t know what I want, so don’t ask me, cause I’m still trying to figure it out. Don’t know what’s down this road, I’m just walking”

Look What You Made Me Do: Whole song is Morgana

“The role you made me play of the fool, no I don’t like you.”

“But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time.”

“Maybe I got mine, but you’ll all get yours.”

Come Back, Be Here:

“And this is when the feeling sinks in, I don’t want to miss you like this. Come back, be here.”

“If I had known what I know now, I never would have played so nonchalant”

“This is falling in love in the cruelest way. This is falling for you when you are worlds away”

“I can’t help but wish you took me with you”

Change:

“But I believe in whatever you do, and I’ll do anything to see it through.”

“It was the night things changed, can you feel it now? The walls that they put up to hold us back fell down”

Holy Ground:

“And right there where we stood was holy ground”

“And sometimes I wonder how you’d think about it now, and I see your face in every crowd”

I Know Places:

“And I know for you, it’s always me”

“And I know for me, it’s always you”

Haunted:

“Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this...something’s gone terribly wrong you’re all I wanted”

Call it What you Want:

“Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right”

Gorgeous:

“You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong”

“You should take it as a compliment that I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk”

Long Live: Strap in folks, this is another one that almost made me cry

“It was the end of a decade, but the start of an age.”

“All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you”

“I was screaming long live all the magic we made”

“One day we will be remembered”

“Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you”

“Can you take a moment-promise me this. That you’ll stand by me forever, but if God forbid fate should step in. And force us into a goodbye-if you have children someday-when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name?”

Innocent:

“Who you are is not what you did”

“You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now, if only had seen what you know now then”

Today Was a Fairytale 

“You’ve got a smile that takes me to another planet”

“All that I can say is now it’s getting so much clearer. Nothing made sense till the time I saw your face.”

Dress:

“There is an indentation in the shape of you. Made your mark on me a golden tattoo”

“My hands are shaking from holding back from you”

“I don’t want you like a best friend”

“All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation”

“Even in my worst times you could see the best of me”

Dancing With Our Hands Tied:

“I loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us”

“Oh, cause it’s gravity keeping you with me”

“I’d kiss you as the lights went out, swaying as the room burned down”

Fearless:

“And I don’t know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless”

Out of the Woods: 

“We were built to fall apart, then fall back together”

Sparks Fly:

“I’m on my guard for the rest of the world but with you, I know it’s no good.”

Tied Together With a Smile: Arthur and Merlin at alternate points in the series

“And you cry, but you don’t tell anyone, that you might not be the golden one”

“I guess it’s true that love was all you wanted, cause you’re giving it away like it’s extra change.”

Cold As You:

“You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away.”

I Wish You Would

“I wish you knew that, I’d never forget you as long as I live.”

Come in With the Rain: Merlin post 5x13

“I’ll leave my window open cause I’m too tired at night to call your name. Just know I’m right here hoping that you’ll come in with the rain.”

White Horse: post 5x13

“I had so many dreams about you and me, happy endings, now I know.”

Ours: Honestly, the whole song

“If you were here we’d laugh about their vacant stares, but right now, my time is theirs.”

“People throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard”

Red: Another one that hit me like a mack truck

“Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you’re already flying through the free fall”

“Losing him was blue like I’ve never known, missing him was dark gray all alone. Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. But loving him was red.”

“Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes, tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go, but moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head, burning red.”

Stay, Stay, Stay: The tone of the song is very them

“All those times that you didn’t leave, it’s been occurring to me I’d like to hang out with you for my whole life.”

Enchanted:

“The playful conversation starts, counter all your quick remarks like passing notes in secrecy”

“All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you”

“Please don’t be in love with someone else, please don’t have somebody waiting on you”

--

If you made it through this, you deserve a prize but I hope you enjoyed!

[sdheath]

108. The Unbearable Madness of Being

This is a long one. But worth getting to the end. Nothing makes us suffer more than our own minds. The first part is a poem - the second is a rough transcript about a young drug addict and schizophrenic called Richard. This is all about his struggle against delusion and psychosis - his struggle to live and to die

"Dekay of timber, lead and glass The Great Hall is fallen down Ruyne of this castell is compleet” Thomas Manners, 1st Earl of Rutland, 1538, talking about Nottingham Castle A winter of speed and ice-cold vodka hidden behind the skip, in a cleaner’s bucket cooled by the falling snow. Yes, he was lonely but never left alone. His gods told him things: a constant stream of the ways things should be. Even in his dreams, he sat amongst them, always, on the fringes of underworld society learning about real power.

Heroin, when he could get it, flicking syringes and tightening belts and dirty yellow rubber tubes; sitting in a council flat that had slowly spiralled, and come to mean nothing to him but somewhere to negate the pull of gravity - somewhere to stub out your fags - line up the lager cans. And under the bed he keeps the only fragments of his life left Like his precious Wilson Staff 100 junior His stroke is still text book - and being a small man the raquet still does him well and photos - I don’t know who made me smile like that I look like a little demon - somebody was making me happy And the scar - like a sepia map of the Australia only visible when his hair was shaved closely. In and out of the fortress - always on the suicide watch He wants to kill himself but not because he is sad His gods promise him a crown on Boxing day They say the deadline is immovable - prepare a way That’s all they seem to care about Prepare a way and we will make you King Consequently - in the walls of the fortress Richard feels quite perky - looking forward to Christmas But he needs to win a game with his warders before they’ll let him home His Christmas gifts for his mum and his nan are cheap but thoughtful For Richard the boiling oil came from someone he should be able to trust not tipped from above the portcullis - but from a chip pan by a stepfather one of a long long line of men his mother needed for the drugs/drink/rent

Richard's story

“Things aren’t going to well. Hopefully I’ll heal and get away from the drugs” He threatened someone with a (neighbour) with a knife and assaulted a nurse - put in the Willows - intensive care ward for psychiatric patients.

Richard believes everyone can hear voices but nobody will admit it to him

“The gods won’t let me brush my teeth - I pulled this girl in a night club - she kissed me - “Wait a minute I don’t want to know you - your breath stinks”. But the gods won’t let me wash your teeth.”

He has hallucinations, hears voices and his thinking is delusional. Believes in the gods and their words with the conviction that anyone believes their own thoughts. Since 19 (listens to his gods). Talking to psychiatrist:

“Life is mad - noone else in the history of time is like me … gods will give me spirit to rule England. I’m going to get four bags into the syringe and try and get them into my arm. If I die and end up in hell then I’ll be happy. Now if I take it and I don’t die and I wake up the next day - it’ll mean the gods are messing me about - because the gods have told me that I’m going to hell on Christmas day - hell for me would be great - so if I wake up Boxing day and I’m not dead and I’m not in hell I’ll be right pissed off because that just means everything is fucked, do you know what I mean?”

“When I was young and my mum had a boyfriend and they were both pissed - he was six - scared shitless - threw it at his mum - his mum was scared you see - she didn’t want to get beaten up - the guy who did it didn’t want to leave the house - she got him to hospital eventually”

Richard looking at a photo of himself when he was a young boy

“Better looking when I was younger - at 5 - looked stocky - went on holiday - you looked like a happy kid - yeah I was on holiday - it was good time -  crikey - I look different there - I’ve got a fish. Crikey I don’t know who that is making me smile like that. i look like a little demon. This is me when I was about nine or ten - my eyes look a bit tired - that’s me when I was about twelve - this is me on holiday - I worked out a bit there - you can see my chest is a bit bigger - I liked it on holiday - it was nice. 

Were you happy at that age?

Long pause: “I think so yeah. I was abused when I was at secondary school - once I was abused my school time wasn’t very good because I knew that people knew. Abused sexually by the head teacher - didn’t tell the head - should have done really. 14 if you do it at the age of 14 then society tends to say that it’s your fault - your advanced enough - but I wasn’t - I hadn’t had a girl friend.”

A few months later - just before being forced back (sectioned) into a mental hospital

“I was awake all night - I had some speed - it was good - so I had some more. At some point I’ll stick the needle in my arm and I’ll wake up in hell hopefully.

Everybody knows there’s an afterlife - everybody knows there’s a hell and a heaven. I could take this overdose and go to hell and get loads of spirit and when I get out of hell I’ll be king of england and then one day I’ll be master of the  universe.h

In hospital for more than 4 months. Richard’s home is a flat - housing association - but hasn’t been home since he was sectioned. Going with a member of staff to collect his mail. The flat is filthy - covered in beer cans, syringes and general squalor. Richard is visibly ashamed.

“Bloody hell - excuse me it’s really really lousy in here. Someone must have broken in and when they couldn’t find anything - obviously I’m not happy about the state of my flat. It’s usually untidy but it aint like this - somebody’s broken in and sorted it for money. Strange even thought it looks the state it does it still seems like home. Only take a couple of hours tops to tidy it up. Someone’s been having heroin or crack - now this is probably one of my oldest possessions - think of that what you will - and this is a Wilson staff 100 junior - I’m only a small bloke so I don’t a full size racket - no pun intended - I miss playing tennis.”

After leaving hospital he tries to overdose - put it in his arm - 30 seconds and he passed out. Was not alone. Next time - on Christmas Day he will make sure that he is on his own. He talks to his psychiatrist - faking a positive outlook.

“Let’s face it there’s no such thing as the afterlife - when you’ve lived your life you’ve lived your live. The idea that I would become superior in the afterlife is nonsense. There’s no such as an afterlife. I want to get out there and pull a chick - I want to make my grandmother a great grandmother. I’ve got no intention to commit suicide - I want to live life.”

As Christmas approaches Richard talks to the camera

“It’s a bit annoying to be moved to this ward.”

Paranoid that the nurses were taking energy from him. Shouting at nurses. 

“At Christmas I’m going to take a heroin overdose and die - I’ll be honest - I’ll say I feel fine - say I’m happy - I’m not going to commit suicide - I’ll get out of hospital and go an do it.”

Despite his plans to kill himself he’s feeling festive. He goes into Bulwell (Nottinghamshire).

 “It’s only a small shopping centre but has three pound shops and 3 charity shops - it’s wicked - y’know what I mean. This - you know sometimes you don’t get a present because you think about it sometimes something just jumps out at you. Well at the time it just jumped out at me - it’s like I like the design the aluminium and plastic but the problem is - it’s, like, a whisk. Why’s he bought me a bloody whisk but she’s stopped drinking and she’s not eating that much she needs to do more cooking - so that’s why I bought mum a whisk and this - the only way to get alcohol into my gran is in liquer chocolates so I’m going to forcefeed gran liqueur chocolates all day Christmas and see if I can get gran pissed. Wraps presents. Apparently you should have a glass of wine and some music -

After another session with the psychiatrist.

I talked to them about my gods - and they wouldn’t let me out - so I decided not to talk to them about my voices and hopefully people will think I’m a bit more sane. Doesn’t look that way - not home for christmas - maybe a couple of hours to give my family their presents and open mine. I was reading a book by the Dalai Llama that tells you to think of those worse off than you. I get food and a fair bit of money that’s good - but not everything is good. Basically yeah I ‘ll commit suicide when I get a chance to. Not at Christmas - yeah I’ve been told that I can do it anytime after Christmas and go to hell - whenever they let me out I’ll just commit suicide - that’s the good thing - usually I have to wait until Christmas. To get big in spirit and train to become a king. So that’s the good side of things at the moment. Doesn’t have to be at Christmas. 

Your gods have told you that have they? 

“Yeah. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have gods - makes things difficult. But what am I meant to do? 

I’m looking for another word for shopping - give me another word for shopping.”

Why do you need another word - BIG LAUGHTER

“I dunno - BIG LAUGH - why why does the snow fall on the grass?

Is that it - yeah - is that - do you know when you’re filming do you reach a pause like that? Yeah - like a natural pause - and that’s where you’re meant to stop. Great - you learn something everyday.”

4 months later he died of a suspected overdose.

4th September 2019

[hantheheart]

So... I had a pretty rough few days a few weeks ago and decided to write something a bit dark to help me out.

Problem is, I kept writing it, so now I’ve got 10+ pages on google docs.

So, being me, I figured I’d share at least the first few pages with the internet.

So, fore warning: There is attempted suicide, though I avoided using the word. The parts I’ve written so far take place on the top of a building several stories tall, and one character makes several vague references to emotional abuse/neglect. I’ll make sure to tag these things below, but I add this in case someone reblogs this and can’t/didn’t tag it appropriately.

---Part 1---

It’s so far down.

That’s what I’m looking for, right?

It’s cold up here.

Thoughts swirls in my head as I stand on the edge of the rooftop. I feel dizzy with the paradoxical thoughts that spin round and round.

Jump, there’s no reason left.

Don’t jump, there’s still time.

Jump, it hurts too much to go on.

Don’t jump, you can’t leave them behind.

Jump, they won’t care anyways.

Don’t jump, you don’t know what’ll happen next.

Part of me is relieved to step back off the ledge and walk around the rooftop.

I’ve come up here every few days since moving out to Amity park from my home town. Partly to escape my crushing life of mediocrity and loneliness, partly to go someplace new for a fresh start. So far though, it hasn’t stopped these… horrid thoughts.

I hate them.

I hate me.

After a few times circling the roof, I step back up on the ledge. Staring down at the street below, I feel my heart thumping against my chest.

Is this rooftop high enough? Would this even work?

My phone is out in an instant.

“How high do you have to fall to die?” Scanning the google page that answers, I see what I need. 4 to 5 stories at least, 8 or more at best.

Glancing down, I recall that this building is about 5 or 6 stories high, from the numbers I passed climbing the stairs.

Well, that’s… settled.

My feet move on their own, inching me closer to the edge.

“Hey!”

The most embarrassingly loud and horrid squawk escapes me as I tumble backwards, terrified by the sudden voice.

While attempting to get my bearings, the unmistakable tap tap of shoes hitting the pavement echoes around me. A glance up and I’m frozen in shock.

I’d never believed the “Oooh~! Spooky! A ghost kid!” stories that ran wild through the minds of the townspeople, saying this kid, flew around and saved the town and such.

‘Course, pictures and words are nothing like seeing the real thing.

He looks kinda worried, mostly confused. His eyes are quite literally glowing, which is unnerving enough for me. It’s a bit weird to see someone obviously younger than me have gray -white?- hair, and don’t even get me started on that ridiculous outfit.

“The heck were you doing up there?” He asks, waving one hand towards the ledge.

Is he wearing a glove?

“Uhm.” I swallow back some of the sickened feeling and stand up. “Just… nothin’.”

His eyes narrow and he frowns. “Didn’t look like “nothin’” to me.”

I glare back at him and huff. “What’s it matter to you anyways? Not like anyone else cares.”

I step back up to the ledge and look down, then over at him. He’s tensed up, holding his breath.

“...Would you catch me? If I jumped?”

“Well, yeah!” He’s so distraught, I almost want to laugh. Here’s this kid, supposedly a superhero, trying to talk down a girl he’s never met before from making the biggest and last mistake ever… and now the gravity is hitting again, fuck.

My legs start shaking so bad I think I’m gonna fall. Instead, I step back off, hugging my chest tight and breathing heavily. Holy shit, I could’ve…

I don’t even register that he’s still there until his hand is on my shoulder. He’s freaking out, talking, but I can’t hear a word he’s saying.

Next thing I know, I’m sitting on the ground, shaking and trying to breathe while he’s sitting beside me, still talking.

“-’ll be okay, you’re gonna be fine.” His words finally start making sense and I realize I’ve been crying.

Why does this keep happening?

I rub furiously at my face with the heels of my palms, trying to erase the red streaks that my tears left behind.

He’s quiet for a moment, thankfully, as I try to regain my nerve. I mumble out an apology, sniffling and hoping it was actually English.

“It’s... it’s fine.” He sounds sad, but there’s a definite tone of relief to his voice. “What the heck are you even doing up here? Uh- if you don’t mind me asking?”

Good God, this is an actual child.

“It’s… I don’t... fit in… anywhere. And I feel really shitty and there’s these things in my head that always say I should just..” I gesture weakly towards the ledge. “That everyone’d be better off without me and I… sometimes it’s too much and I believe them and I’m just so scared to do it… I was really close this time too.” My words are breathless and almost wheezy. It hurts to admit these things out loud, to a stranger no less, but it’s relieving too.

He doesn’t say anything, so I keep my mouth shut.

The silence is crushing.

After a few minutes, I can’t let it be.

“Did… did it hurt?”

“What?” He blinks a few times, as if remembering I’m still here.

“When you… died?”

He looks down, and I feel awful for asking, until I realize he looks less upset, and more like he’s trying to remember.

“Well… yeah, being electrocuted hurts. A lot.”

“Did you… do it on purpose?”

“What? No, it… it was an accident.”

Oh my god, this poor kid. He’s no older than I am, maybe around my little sister’s age, and the poor kid died in an accident?!

“I’m sorry.” I sigh. “It’s probably pretty shitty of me then, trying to end my life and yours got cut short. God, you’re probably younger than me too.” I cover my mouth with one hand and laugh humorlessly. “Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m being an ass by trying to kill myself, holy shit, this is fucked up, what the shit.”

“Okay, hang on, don’t go freaking out on me again!” He grabs my arm. “It’s-you’re fine, it’s-it’s not offending or anything, seriously. Just.. just don’t freak out.”

I take a few deep breaths, digging my fingernails into my arm to keep myself grounded. “I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just, I can’t help it sometimes.” I whimper, covering my eyes and trying to wipe away the tears dripping down my face. My voice cracks so much it hurts. “I feel shitty and just… over-react. It’s stupid and awful of me, but I’m just a fucking mess of a human being, and I shouldn’t-”

“Nonono, just, just stop.” His hands tugged at my shirt, and I felt a shiver run through him. “That’s… that’s not true, not of anyone. I can’t believe that, so just… just stop, okay?”

Sniffling, I nod. “‘M sorry.”

“Uh, so... How… how ‘bout this instead? I’ll stay up here with you till I have to go, and if you still wanna jump, I… I won’t bother you about it.”

Well damn.

“Hope you don’t have to leave soon then.” I mumble, hugging my knees to my chest.

“Well… whaddya know about space?”

“It’s… big?”

He frowns for a moment, thoughtful, then shrugs, nodding. “Alright, I’ll give you that one. But like, what do you know about space and stars and all the cosmos and stuff?”

“Not much, why?”

He grins and the excitement in his face is contagious. “Cause I know a lot!”

“How much is a lot?”

---...---

Turns out he really meant “A lot”.

The kid knows stuff about space I thought was just science fiction or something.

He wanted to be an astronaut. Been through all sorts of simulators, signed up for space camp and everything. Big dreams of going to space someday, even owned a bunch of books on everything astrology, the cosmos and stuff I still can’t get my head around.

“Ya know, you could still technically go to space.” I say, staring up at the sky, folding my hands behind my head.

“How? Don’t think they enlist dead kids in NASA.” He’s sitting up, leaning back on his arms. The moonlight makes his hair glow almost as ethereal as his eyes.

“You can turn invisible and stuff, right? You could fly down to Florida, turn invisible and sneak aboard the next space ship to head out there. First ghost in spaaaaace.” I hold both hands up and shake them dramatically.

He snickers, grinning. “That’s not a bad idea.”

“Hell man, I’ll drive you down there myself if you want. But’cha gotta get gas money.” Of course, I’m joking about the gas money, but I have always wanted to go down to Florida, especially if there’s a road trip.

“Nah, my folks wouldn’t appreciate me disappearing like that.”

Folks? “Your ‘folks’ dead too?”

He tenses up, as if… did he not mean to say that? “Uh, well… no.”

“Oh, so you hang around your living family’s home or something? That’s not too bad.”

“Uh, yeah…”

I sit up and sigh. “Okay well, it’s..” I pull out my phone with a yawn. “Almost 10 o’clock and I’m too tired to think anymore… Guess you’re not too bad at this good guy stuff.”

He smiles and shrugs. “I try.” He gets up and floats off the roof. “So, you’re… not gonna jump?”

“Mmm… Nope. I got work tomorrow anyways and they’re buying us pizza. Can’t miss that.” I chuckle and stand up. “You just keep doing the hero thing, kid. You’ll get your chance for space someday, I’m sure.”

I turn and walk back to the stairway, smiling as I hear the faint ‘whoosh’ of him flying off.

Guess it wasn’t such a bad day afterall.

[thethursdaythree-blog]

March 30, 2017 • For the Birds

There's a good chance I'll run into something. If I don't run into something, I'll probably trip and fall. I've been lucky so far.

It all started two Saturdays ago when I woke up before the sun, rolled out of bed, grabbed my rain jacket, laced up my Bean Boots, and drove to the parking lot of the Wild Bird Center in Chapel Hill. I pulled in – legitimately surprised that people actually did this – turned off the engine and stepped out of the car.

"Hi, I'm Brent," I offered. "I'm here for the bird walk. I've never done this before. Am I in the right place?"

One-by-one, the others gathered in that parking lot greeted me – each of us standing in a steady mist.

"I'm Tom." "Tommy." "Verne."

"It's nice to meet you." I was in the right place.

From there, the nine of us set off for Mason Farm Biological Reserve – a 367-acre plot of forests and fields home to birds and trees and bugs and all kinds of wildlife. We spent nearly four hours that morning walking a total of three miles – stopping every few minutes to listen and wait and watch. We'd take a few steps. Pause. Look around. Take a few more steps. Someone would hear something and point, and everyone else would simultaneously raise the binoculars to our faces and focus (in a super cool way) to try to spot the birds.

It was cold and rainy… and exhilarating. I know. It sounds ridiculous. And as I've shared with "friends" that I went on a bird walk, the responses have been hilarious:

"Are you fifty?" "Where's your stamp collection, Grandpa?" "There's no way that's cool."

But I'm hooked. I've signed up for two more bird walks already. (Let me know if you want to come.) I've upgraded my binoculars, too, and purchased a field guide that stays in my man satchel.

And I'm constantly walking around now with my eyes upward, moving from tree to tree, trying to catch a glimpse of a bird I've never seen before. That's why there's a good chance I'll run into something.

That day, we saw over forty species of birds. Thrashers and woodpeckers and pine warblers. I left my phone at home. (Unintentionally, but still.) And I was caught up in my new friends' excitement about seeing something rare. I was in awe of their ability to identify a bird from afar based simply on its song or how it was flying. Mostly, I was glad to be doing something that didn't involve staring at a screen.

As I've geeked out over the last week-and-a-half, I've experienced the joy of being able to name things around me that, until recently, had been hidden in plain sight. This amateur birder can now pick out a mockingbird call, tell the difference between a crow and a grackle, and never knew how many cardinals there were in his neighborhood (which is annoying for this Cubs fan). I've started to notice how rare it is to walk outside and not hear a bird singing. It's literally a whole new world.

So this week's Thursday Three is for the birds.

"The Tweetest Thing" – a 22-second sketch by Jennifer Moxley

+ Bird Man

I read this piece from Longreads about two weeks before I signed up for my first bird walk. Eva Holland tells the story of Noah Strycker who got into birding as a teenager. In 2015, he traveled the globe to set a world record, identifying over 6,000 species of birds in 365 days. The article is good for that story alone, but the author also describes how for so many, bird watching "satisfies a 'bone-deep, soul-deep need to classify and organize the world around us.'"

The term umwelt comes from the German word meaning, roughly, "environment" or "surroundings." But in this context it refers to a given species' way of perceiving the world around it: dogs organize their world by smell, bees by ultraviolet light, and so on. Carol Kaesuk Yoon, a biologist, proposed in her 2009 book, Naming Nature, that we humans, in turn, navigate through and organize our world via a system of ordering and classification of other natural beings, and that this system is remarkably consistent across history, languages, cultures, ecosystems, and societies. Our umwelt is "our shared human vision of life."

To categorize our world is to know our world. And – for better or worse – it's part of what it means to be human. We eat, sleep, breathe, and put things into categories.

Click here to enjoy this article from Longreads.

+ Invisibilia: Outside In

Last year's season finale of the _Invisibilia_ podcast featured an episode called "Outside In." The episode detailed stories of transformation by people who took on something and hoped it stuck – sort of a "fake it 'til you make it" approach. For instance, one of the stories describes how an ordinary guy fakes being a celebrity and is mobbed by "fans" who have no idea who he is.

But the story that caught my ear came near the end of the episode. The hosts interview Jim Verhagen who runs the blog, _Readings from the Northside_. Jim set out to spend more time in nature with the hope of experiencing transformation. So he went to the Jersey Shore to watch the birds. But that's where it gets a little weird. Jim would take pictures of the birds (normal) and then start making up stories about them (what?). He gave them names and personalities – Mac Daddy, Mr. Handbersome, Jack, Tufters – and then wrote about them and their "drama" on his blog. From the transcript:

This is not your average isn't Mother Earth amazing - photography blog. No, what Jim does is essentially create the TMZ or Perez Hilton version of a nature blog because alongside shockingly clear and intimate shots of Mac Daddy and the other animals on the beach, Jim is writing these really kind of gossipy reports.

The blog explodes. And the way Jim is transformed is surprising and real.

See, when you see it in animals, when you see the kind of constant anxiety as we'd describe it that they have to live with, you realize that it's natural, that that's - that that state of constantly being kind of alert and a little concerned and watching your back…

Is my wife going to wind up falling out love with me? Am I going to lose this big customer? Constantly putting out fires. That's actually the natural state for a lot of animals. And so in a way it is for us.

Observing these creatures and making up these ridiculous stories helped Jim find a semblance of peace with his own stuff. It helped him find some comfort in his own skin. Click here to listen to the episode. Click here to read the transcript. Click here to visit Jim's blog.

+ Such Singing in the Wild Branches

For your soul's comfort, Mary Oliver's poem, "Such Singing in the Wild Branches," rounds out this week's Thursday Three. May it leave you listening – wondering – "is it spring? Is it morning?"

It was spring and finally I heard him among the first leaves— then I saw him clutching the limb

in an island of shade with his red-brown feathers all trim and neat for the new year. First, I stood still

and thought of nothing. Then I began to listen. Then I was filled with gladness— and that's when it happened,

when I seemed to float, to be, myself, a wing or a tree— and I began to understand what the bird was saying,

and the sands in the glass stopped for a pure white moment while gravity sprinkled upward

like rain, rising, and in fact it became difficult to tell just what it was that was singing— it was the thrush for sure, but it seemed

not a single thrush, but himself, and all his brothers, and also the trees around them, as well as the gliding, long-tailed clouds in the perfectly blue sky— all, all of them

were singing. And, of course, yes, so it seemed, so was I. Such soft and solemn and perfect music doesn't last

for more than a few moments. It's one of those magical places wise people like to talk about. One of the things they say about it, that is true,

is that, once you've been there, you're there forever. Listen, everyone has a chance. Is it spring, is it morning?

Are there trees near you, and does your own soul need comforting? Quick, then— open the door and fly on your heavy feet; the song may already be drifting away.

As always, thanks for reading and subscribing to the Thursday Three. I'm grateful you make this email a part of your weekly rhythm. If you dig it, I'd love if you'd tell your friends. Perhaps you'll consider forwarding it to your friends or using the share and tweet buttons below. And I'm always open to feedback, suggestions, or friendly correspondence. Just hit reply and write something. You know where to find me. Until next Thursday, find some birds.

Peace,

Brent

[llamanorthwest-archived2]

(tag dump!)

[thelastspeecher]

Stan Pines, Farmhand - Chapter 15: Forty-One Years Later

Chapter 1   Chapter 2   Chapter 3   Chapter 4   Chapter 5   Chapter 6 Chapter 7   Chapter 8   Chapter 9   Chapter 10   Chapter 11   Chapter 12 Chapter 13   Chapter 14   Chapter 15   Chapter 16   AO3

Holy cow guys it’s finally here!  Chapter 15 of “Stan Pines, Farmhand”!  It has been far too long since I’ve updated, and for that I am sorry.  But we’re in the home stretch folks, we’re almost done!  Anyways, in this chapter, Stan gets yelled at by multiple people, Mabel thinks her Great-Aunt Angie is a werewolf, and Emily thinks her Uncle Ford is a bit strange, even for her admittedly odd family.  Enjoy.

July 30, 2012

               Dipper and Mabel were finally in bed.  Stan could hear them moving around upstairs, but at least they’d have a harder time eavesdropping from the attic.  As he talked on the phone in the kitchen, Stan looked outside.  Some sort of bear-thing was chasing gnomes in the backyard.

               Just a normal Monday here in Gravity Falls, he thought tiredly.

               “So I took the kids on a trip to some of the other tourist traps in Oregon,” Stan said.

               “Mm-hmm,” Angie replied, on the other end of the phone.  “This weren’t a ‘business trip’, were it?”

               “I have no clue what ya mean.”

               “Did ya use child labor to ruin yer competition’s places of business?”

               “See, now when ya say it like that, it sounds dirty,” Stan said, slightly put out.  Angie chuckled softly.  

               “Did anythin’ interestin’ happen on this trip?”

               “I almost got eaten by a spider-lady.”

               “A spider-lady?”

               “Yeah.”

               “What was her name?”

               “Why are you interested in knowing her name?”  

               “My college roommate is a spider-person.”

               “Marley?”

               “Yep.”

               “Her name was Darlene.”  There was a shuffle over the phone as Angie apparently shifted her phone from one ear to the other.

               “Ya shoulda told me ya were goin’ to see spider-people.  Darlene is Marley’s cousin.  She prob’ly wouldn’t have tried to eat ya if she knew who ya were.”

               “Dammit.  See, this is why ya need to come back.  Ya get me outta all sortsa sticky situations.”  Angie laughed again.  “Seriously, though, when are ya gettin’ back?”

               “I’ll be in Gravity Falls in a week or so.  I’m in the Augusta airport right now, to head over to California and stay with Harper and Emmett fer a bit.  Emmett’s got that dance recital,” Angie replied.  She paused.  “That’s the boardin’ call.  Real quick, anythin’ else ya wanted to tell me?”

               “Ford’s back,” Stan blurted out.  There was a clatter and shuffling over the line.

               “Sorry ‘bout that,” Angie said.  “I dropped the phone. Now, what did ya just say?”

               “Ford’s back.”

               “An’ how is that even possible?  I thought ya said there wasn’t any way to bring him back.”

               “I lied,” Stan said simply.

               “Fer thirty years?”

               “Yes.”  Stan could practically feel Angie’s anger, even though she was on the other side of the country.  

               “Ya lied to me!”

               “Angie, I-”

               “Ya promised ya would never do that!  Ya know how I feel ‘bout lyin’!”

               “Angie-”

               “Did ya forget what my fam’ly is all about?  It’s ‘bout bein’ open and truthful!  Ya just shit over everythin’ my fam’ly stands for.  Everything your fam’ly stands for.  Yer a McGucket, act like it fer once in-”

               “Angie, listen!”  She went silent.  “Ya remember what happened last time ya got mixed up in Stanford’s weirdness, right? Ya ended up in the hospital fer two weeks.  In a fuckin’ coma fer most of it.  I did it to protect ya.”

               “It don’t matter how noble it was, it’s still wrong.  And yer not goin’ to get off easy.”

               “Look, I’m sorry, okay?”  She was silent for a minute.  “Angie?”

               “We’ll talk when I get back,” she replied shortly and hung up the phone without even saying goodbye.  Stan slammed the phone on the hook.

               “Shit, fuck,” he swore softly.  He ran his hands through his hair.  “Goddammit.”

               “Was that Ma?”  Stan turned around to face the speaker, Emily.

               “Yeah.  It was.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “She’s pissed at me.”

               “Well, duh,” Emily said.  “Ya lied to her for longer than I’ve been alive!”

               “I know, smartass.”

               “Dipper and Mabel aren’t too pleased, either.  Mostly Dipper.  That kid can hold a grudge.”  Emily sighed. “Look, Dad, I’m gonna be honest. Ya messed up.”

               “Don’t need to tell me that,” Stan muttered.

               “You should’ve been tellin’ Ma ‘bout this nonsense from the start!”

               “Look, I don’t need to be scolded by my own kid,” Stan snapped. Emily raised her eyebrows.

               “Wow, that’s mature,” she said sarcastically.  Stan glowered at her.  “I know yer a bit upset, Dad.  And ya don’t like bein’ on bad terms with Ma.”  Emily moved forward.  “She’ll get over it.  But…give her some time.”  Emily wrapped her arms around Stan in a tight hug.  “We all need some time.”  Stan rested his chin on top of her head and squeezed her back in response.

               “Yeah.”

               “I know things didn’t go the way you wanted.  But seriously, it’s just- give Ma some time, give Uncle Ford some time, give Dipper and Mabel some time.  We’ll be back to normal ‘fore ya know it.”  Stan buried his face in his daughter’s caramel-colored hair.

               “When did ya get so smart?” he whispered.  

               “I’ve always been smart.  You know. You were there,” Emily replied. Stan smiled.  “I’m gonna go to bed now.  Night, Dad.”

               “Night, pumpkin.”  Emily broke off the hug and walked away.  A door opened and closed.  Stan looked over at Ford, sitting at the table in the living room.  After a moment, he walked over and took a seat across from his twin.

               “So, you and Angie had another child, then?” Ford asked, once a few minutes had passed.  Stan leaned back in his chair.  Ford tried to not stare, but it was difficult.  He took a drink from his glass of whisky.

               Sweet Moses, it’s strange to see Stan as an old man.

               “Nah, Emily’s mine and Fidds’ kid,” Stan said idly.  Ford coughed in shock, spewing whisky across the table.  Stan grinned. “Gotcha.”

               “Stanley!”

               “You were right.  Emily’s mine ‘n Angie’s.  Third one,” Stan said over Ford’s continued sputters.  “Third outta four, actually.  And, uh, ya might be interested in the fourth one.”  Ford watched curiously as Stan took out a wallet and began to shuffle through it.  “Ah! Here,” Stan said, sliding a picture across the table.  Ford picked it up.  It was of a young man with brown hair, rectangular glasses, and the distinctive McGucket nose. There was a mischievous twinkle in his brown eyes that Ford recognized as identical to Stan’s.

               “This is your fourth child?” Ford clarified.  Stan nodded.

               “Yep.  Only son. Emmett.  Emily’s twin.”

               “You had twins twice?  That’s bad luck,” Ford said.  Stan shrugged.  

               “Not so much for me as fer Angie.  I mean, she’s the person what had to give birth to ‘em.  And Emily and Emmett were trouble-makers from the start. Premature, emergency C-section, complications, the whole thing.  Doc said Angie probably shouldn’t have any more kids after they were born.  But we were done anyways.”  

               “I’m sorry to hear that.  It must have been rough,” Ford said softly.  Stan shrugged again.

               “Most of Angie’s siblings, and her Ma and Pa, came up while Angie was recoverin’ from the birth.  Helped out around the house, watched the kids.  Stayed until she was back to normal.”

               “That was very kind of them.”

               “It got old pretty fast, actually.  We practically had to physically remove ‘em from the house.” Stan poured himself a glass of whisky and downed half of it in one swallow.  “But that’s not why I brought up Emmett.  I brought him up ‘cause, well, I think meetin’ him would be helpful fer both of ya.  Mostly him, but hey, it’d be nice for ya, too.  Meetin’ yer nephew.”  

               “Not that I’m disagreeing, but why do you say that?” Ford asked, handing the picture back to Stan.  Stan drummed his fingers on the table and looked away.

               “His full name’s Emmett Stanford McGucket.”  

               “…What?” Ford asked quietly.  Stan sighed.

               “It was Angie’s idea.  I kept tryin’ to push Stanjamin, and then she said that Stanford was barely even a name, and she got that look in her eye, and when that happens, nothin’ ‘ll change her mind.”

               “You named your son after me?” Ford asked.  Stan nodded, still refusing to make eye contact.

               “It’s not like we did it fer no reason, though.  Emmett’s like ya.  But instead of twelve fingers, he’s got twelve toes.”  

               “Oh.  Two of your children are polydactyls?”

               “Yeah.  Apparently, it’s a weird enough thing that Daisy used it for her senior thesis.  She’s a geneticist, y’know.  Right now, she’s back at the farm, tryin’ to breed ‘super crops’ or somethin’ like that.”  A proud smile formed on Stan’s face.  “Smart cookie, that one.  All of ‘em, really.  Don’t know how a knucklehead like me got such bright kids.”

               “What about Danny?  What’s she up to?” Ford asked.  Stan grinned even more broadly.

               “She builds doomsday machines for the government.  Top-secret Pentagon job.  Since she’s so busy, her husband’s a stay-at-home dad.”

               “You have a grandchild?” Ford asked, surprised.  Stan let out a bark of laughter.

               “I’ve got five, Sixer.  And another one on the way.”

               “Really?”

               “Yeah, Danny’s got the triplets and Benji, and then she told us just a couple months ago that she’s havin’ another one.  And Emmett’s got Lucy.  Man, Lucy’s the sweetest little thing.  Her mom left, though, pretty soon after she was born.”  Stan’s smile faded slightly.  “Good thing that Harper and Lute are around to help Emmett with her.”

               “I- I can’t believe you’re a grandfather,” Ford said.  Stan eyed Ford and quirked an eyebrow.  

               “So are you.”  Ford’s heart stopped.

               “What?”

               “Tate’s got a couple kids.  Boy and a girl.  They actually live here, in Gravity Falls.”

               “Is Fiddleford here as well?” Ford asked.  Stan looked away.  

               “That’s, uh, that’s somethin’ you should talk to Angie about.”  Ford stared at Stan.

               “What?  Why?” he asked.  Stan rubbed the back of his neck.

               “I don’t wanna get into it.  It’s late.”

               “…I suppose it is.”  Ford took another drink from his glass.  He sighed heavily.  “Stanley. This ‘Mystery Shack’ business has to end.”

               “Figured.”

               “I won’t kick you out tomorrow, or anything like that,” Ford continued, “but I do expect you to leave my house eventually.  The end of the summer, ideally.”

               “I’m not the only person who lives here.”

               “You and Angie can find a place, I’m sure,” Ford said.  Stan scoffed.

               “That’s one hell of a thanks.”

               “…What?”

               “I spend thirty years bringin’ ya back, and ya don’t bother to say ‘Hey, thanks for doin’ that’?  No, all I get is an eviction notice,” Stan said bitterly.

               “Thank you?  Why would I thank you?” Ford demanded.  “You pushed me into that portal, and through your foolhardy, bullheaded stubbornness, you have put the universe in danger by opening it up again!”  Stan stared at him for a few seconds.

               “…Whatever,” Stan said.  He stood up. “Look, Stanford, I- I don’t want ya draggin’ these kids into your bullshit.”

               “What are you talking about?”

               “The same bullshit that ended with ya puttin’ my wife in a coma.  Keep the kids outta it, okay?”

               “I would never-”

               “I don’t care.  I can live without a thank you fer haulin’ yer wrinkly old ass back home.  But I can’t live with you hurtin’ my fam’ly.”

               “They’re my family as well.”

               “Never stopped ya before,” Stan shot back.  He left the room huffily.  Ford watched him leave, fighting the temptation to call out after him. His gaze dropped down to the table, where he could see his reflection in the dregs of his drink.

               “Welcome back, Stanford Pines,” he muttered idly.

----- 

July 31, 2012

               Stan walked into the kitchen.  Dipper, Mabel, and Emily looked up from their breakfast.

               “About time ya got up, old man,” Emily said.  “I had to get these gremlins breakfast without ya.”  Stan didn’t respond, instead squinting at something in his hand.  “Uh, what are you doin’?”

               “Yer ma sent me a picture,” Stan said.  “But I can’t unlock it.”  Emily sighed.

               “Dad, ya don’t ‘unlock’ picture messages.”

               “I can’t see it, though.”

               “Lemme see.”  Emily snatched the thing out of Stan’s hand.  “Can’t use a dang phone, but ya can build a death machine in the basement,” she muttered.  Mabel and Dipper frowned.

               “That’s a phone?” Mabel asked.  Emily nodded.

               “There’s no way that’s a phone,” Dipper said.  

               “Ma made him get one a while back,” Emily said, clicking buttons.  “He doesn’t do anything with it.  Just keeps it around so my ma and siblings can get a hold of him.”  She rolled her eyes.  “He even uses a default ringtone.”

               “That should be a crime,” Mabel said.

               “Agreed,” Emily said.  She handed the phone back to Stan.  “Here ya go. Looks like she met up with Emmett and Uncle Harper.”

               “You have siblings?” Dipper asked.  Emily nodded and took another bite of her cereal.

               “Oh, yeah.  I’ve got three.  Two older, one younger.”  She squinted at Dipper.  “How did ya not know that?”

               “It’s not like he tells us anything,” Mabel said.  “Except for like, ‘Touch that and you owe me thirty bucks!’”

               “I forget all the time that he’s married,” Dipper added.  Emily grabbed Stan’s phone from him again.

               “Hey!” Stan barked.  Emily clicked a few buttons, then turned the phone’s screen to face her cousins.

               “That’s my ma, my twin brother Emmett, and my Uncle Harper,” Emily said, pointing out her family members.  Mabel gasped.

               “Your mom’s so pretty!”

               “Yeah, she’s pretty much outta Dad’s league,” Emily said nonchalantly. Stan squinted at his daughter.

               “Watch it, kid.”  Emily stuck her tongue out in response.  Stan playfully whapped her over the head with his newspaper, eliciting a chortle from her. She handed back the phone.

               “But see, Dad, I told ya Ma would start feelin’ a bit better.  She just needed some time to deal with the lyin’.” Stan shook his head.  “What?”

               “She sent me one of those word messages, too.”

               “Text,” Mabel supplied helpfully.  Stan frowned at her.

               “Stop makin’ noise just to make noise.  Too early fer that.”

               “What did Ma say?” Emily asked.

               “Somethin’ ‘bout how they’re goin’ to get toffee peanuts from place I like in San Diego.”

               “That’s good!”

               “And eat all of ‘em.”  Stan huffed. “And Harper’s still gonna record Emmett’s performance, but keep the tape.  I don’t get to watch it.”

               “Oh.  Yeesh.” Emily looked over at Mabel and Dipper. “Ma can be a bit savage sometimes.”

               “That’s probably because she’s secretly a werewolf,” Mable said confidently. Emily blinked.

               “What?”

               “Yeah, Mabel thinks Grunkle Stan’s wife has to be a werewolf or something,” Dipper said.

               “Okay, but seriously, what kind of person would Grunkle Stan marry?” Mabel asked.  “I think a wolf-lady is a perfect match for someone like him.  Or like, a mountain woman.”

               “So, basically, someone half-wild,” Emily said, amused.  Stan grunted.  “I could see that.”

               “Cool it, squirt,” Stan said warningly.  Emily propped her elbows on the table.

               “What about you, Dipper?  What’re yer thoughts?”

               “Some sorta cat burglar or thief or scammer or something,” Dipper said. Emily laughed.  

               “Did ya bother to ask Soos or Wendy what she’s like?” Stan grumbled. Dipper and Mabel shook their heads.

               “That takes all the fun out of it, Grunkle Stan!  And anyways, it’s so obvious that she’s a werewolf.”

               “If she is, she hasn’t told me,” Stan said, shuffling out of the kitchen.

               “I’ll give you two a hint,” Emily said.  “If my ma was ‘round, there’s no way that Dad woulda been able to keep up his ‘Gravity Falls is normal’ façade.  Like, if ya mentioned seein’ Bigfoot’s footprint, she’d say somethin’ like ‘Well, of course he’s real, I had lunch with him last Wednesday.’”

               “Well, yeah,” Mabel said.  “Bigfoot is so the type to have lunch with werewolves.”  Emily beamed at her cousins.

               “I like you kids.”  

               “Aw, shucks,” Mabel said, waving a hand airily.

               “Good morning, children.”  Emily, Dipper, and Mabel all looked over.  Ford stood in the entryway of the kitchen.  

               “Howdy, Uncle Ford!” Emily chirped.  “You just missed the big discussion about how I’m apparently half wolf.”

               “No, you’d be a quarter wolf, if your mom was a werewolf,” Dipper corrected. “Werewolves are half wolf. Y’know, ‘wolf-man’.  Half wolf, half man.”

               “Ah, okay,” Emily said with a nod.  “I’m apparently only 25% wolf.”

               “Hmm.  Very well, then,” Ford muttered, walking over to the fridge.  He opened it and peered inside.

               “Dad needs to go shoppin’, so there’s not much here,” Emily said.  

               “Thank you for informing me,” Ford said.  He walked back out of the kitchen.  Emily frowned.

               “What’s his deal?”

               “He’s the author, he’s allowed to be eccentric,” Dipper said.

               “I mean, most people in my fam’ly are a bit odd,” Emily said slowly. “But…”  She shook her head.  “Never mind. You two wanna go get Soos and play some squirt gun wars?”

               “Yes!” Mabel cheered, jumping out of her chair.  Dipper continued to look in the direction Ford had left.

               “…Dipper?” Emily asked.  Dipper looked back at her.

               “Huh?”

               “Squirt gun wars with Soos sound like fun?”

               “Oh, yeah,” he said.  

               “Go get dressed, then, kidlets,” Emily said.  Dipper and Mabel left the kitchen.  Emily frowned thoughtfully.  “Seems like Uncle Ford has a fan.”  She began to clear the dishes from the table.  “From what I’ve heard ‘bout him, that won’t end well.”

----- 

August 14, 2012

               The front door of the Mystery Shack slammed open.  

               “Here we go,” Wendy said quietly.  A short, middle-aged woman stormed into the Gift Shop and came to a stop in front of Stan. Stan eyed her cautiously.  She stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him.

               “Aww,” Mabel cooed.  Angie stroked Stan’s face.

               “I missed ya,” she whispered.  Stan smiled at her.

               “Missed you too.”  After a few moments of gazing lovingly at her husband, Angie promptly switched to glaring at him.

               “You lied to me?!” she shouted.  

               “There it is,” Stan muttered.  Angie crossed her arms.

               “You lied, Stanley Pines.  Fer thirty years.  I ain’t pleased.”

               “Look-”

               “Ya didn’t just lie to me, even.  Ya lied to everyone in yer entire fam’ly!  Ya said Stanford was dead.”

               “Yeah, it’s good news, the whole ‘him not actually being dead’ thing.  Why aren’t ya happy?”

               “Happy?!”  Angie stood on her tiptoes again, to peer into his face easier.  “I’m too upset with ya to be happy.  I thought Ford was dead.  We mourned.  We accepted it.  We moved on.”

               “That’s what you want to hear,” Ford mumbled.  Angie held up a hand, still glaring intensely at her husband.

               “I’ll get to you in a minute, Stanford,” she snapped.  “Stanley, I don’t want to sleep in the same bed as someone who lied fer longer than my two youngest children have been alive.  Yer goin’ to spend a few nights on the couch, understand?”  Stan glared at her.  She met his gaze with hardened eyes.  After a few tense moments, he finally sighed.

               “Fine.”

               “She is a werewolf!” Mabel gasped. Angie blinked.

               “What?”  She turned around.  “Oh, howdy, lil ones.”

               “I was right, you are a werewolf!” Mabel said.  Angie frowned.  

               “What makes ya say that, sugar-cube?”

               “Well, it just makes sense.”

               “Is it ‘cause I told off my husband?”

               “Basically,” Mabel said.  Angie chuckled and crouched down to Mabel’s eye height.

               “Aren’t you the charmer.  No, I’m not a werewolf.  The mailman, on the other hand…”

               “I knew it!” Soos shouted from a room over.

               “What’s yer name, cutie?” Angie asked.

               “Mabel!  And he’s my twin, Dipper!” Mabel said eagerly, grabbing Dipper, who made a small squeak.  Angie beamed.

               “Well then, looks like I’m yer Great-Aunt Angie!”

               “You’re shorter than I thought you’d be,” Dipper said.  Angie chuckled again.  

               “I get that a lot.  But I’m sorry ya had to see all that.  I shouldn’t yell in front of kidlets.  Ain’t right.”

               “I don’t mind, Dr. Angie,” Wendy put in.  “I kinda like it when you tear Mr. Pines a new one.”  Mabel gasped suddenly, as an idea occurred to her.

               “Can we call you Grangie?” she asked.  Angie blinked.

               “No,” she said flatly, “only my grandkids are allowed to call me that.” She winked at Mabel.  “Ya can still call me yer Grauntie Angie, though. But most kids ‘round here just call me Dr. Angie, like Wendy does.”

               “I’ll take it!” Mabel said.  Angie grinned and stood up to her full height.  She took a breath.  “Stanford.” It was a statement, not a summons. Ford looked up.  Angie stepped forward, her hands shaking, and twisting her wedding ring.  “Ya- ya have to understand,” she said quietly and calmly, in a steady voice that belied her body language.  “It’s like seein’ a ghost.”  Angie’s hair had slightly faded, and had a couple silver streaks through it, but the only other sign that she had aged were the extensive laughter lines on her face.

               She lived a good life, then.  The woman standing before him, waiting for him to speak, seemed different than the one he remembered.  And learned to be patient, apparently.

               “Age mellowed you,” he said finally.  Angie’s eyes widened.  She laughed.

               “Ya think I’m mellow?  Did ya not just hear me yell at my husband?”  Ford smiled half-heartedly.

               “Point taken.  By the way, I’m eager to meet the rest of your children.  I’ve only become well acquainted with Emily,” Ford said.  He looked down at his feet.  “I also, uh…could you give me Fiddleford’s address?” He looked up again in time to watch Angie’s face break.  “What?”

               “Stan didn’t tell ya?”

               “Tell me what?”

               “About Fiddleford.”  A heavy feeling, like he’d swallowed a brick of lead, settled in Ford’s stomach.

               “What about Fiddleford?”  Angie looked around.

               “He- he don’t know ya no more,” she said quietly.  Ford’s heart stopped.

               “What?  That’s- that’s-”

               “Not true anymore,” Dipper put in.  Angie and Ford looked over at their nephew.  Dipper cleared his throat, slightly startled by unexpectedly being in the spotlight.  “He’s- we figured out that he built the laptop in the bunker, and then we figured out that he founded the Blind Eye Society, and we found all his missing memories and-”

               “Did ya tell Stan all this?” Angie interrupted.  Dipper shook his head.

               “No.  He pretended like he didn’t even know Gravity Falls was supernaturally weird until after we almost got eaten by zombies.”

               “Eaten by-”  Angie looked over at Stan, who was grumpily buffing one of the snow globes. “Stanley, what on Earth happened?”

               “Nothin’.  They’re fine, aren’t they?” Stan said.

               “Emily took pictures,” Mabel said.  “I know because I asked her to send them to me.”

               “Pictures of what?” Angie asked.

               “Us fighting off zombies with the power of song!” Mabel enthused. Angie rubbed her forehead.

               “Son of a-”  She took a breath.  “Stanley, what all have these children done this summer?”

               “Heck if I know.  They’re always gallivantin’ around, solvin’ mysteries or whatever,” Stan muttered.

               “Ya don’t know what- yer supposed to be watchin’ ‘em!”

               “Hey, do they have any bites or missin’ limbs?  I did a fine job watchin’ ‘em!” Stan protested.  Angie crossed her arms.

               “I was hopin’ to hold off on the full argument fer a bit.  But I don’t think I can.  Bedroom.  Now.” Angie looked over at Ford.  “Don’t think I’ve forgotten ‘bout scoldin’ you, Stanford.  Yer next.” With that, she followed Stan out of the Gift Shop.  Wendy chuckled.

               “Good luck with that, Stan Two.”