#my proportions are fucked rn and it's making me angry

[koritea]

Haaaaaate practicing but I'll never get better if I don't so here's ten quickstudy sketches <333 Poses from figurosity

[bixels]

tarpit site.

[3trnlsun]

— okay with that ☆

pairing: shuri x blk afab reader

content: angst to fluff , swearing , arguing , kidnapping , mentions of violence , spoilers for bpwf

summary: you and shuri have an intense argument, making things blow out of proportion

kendall’s note: i listened to dark red on loop while writing this. i’m a mess rn.

you could hear the sound of your heart pounding in your ears at how angry you were, it was crazy how shuri got you to this point when all you wanted was to have a conversation.

shuri’s been stressed after the death of her brother, and it’s understandable of course, but she’s forgotten to do basic everyday things.

you just wanted to talk. that’s all you wanted.

you came to her lab with some food and water for her, knowing she needed it.

you rubbed her back as she worked.

“shuri.. my love, just take a break. if you won’t take a break to sleep, at the very least eat..” you sighed, voice heavy with concern.

“(y/n), please. i’m very busy.” she said with hints of annoyance hidden in her voice.

“shuri, all i’m asking is that you eat and drink, you need it.”

“what i need, is for you to get out of my lab. i’m busy.” she spits harshly, which takes you back.

“excuse me? shuri i’m telling you that you need to eat, and you’re telling me to get out? are you crazy?!” you start to raise your voice a bit, making others in the lab start to turn heads.

once shuri notices your voice change, she gets up.

“everyone out.” she mutters, noticing people still frozen she gets angrier.

“i said EVERYONE. OUT.” she yells, and immediately footsteps are heard exiting the lab.

the room is now oddly silent, and all you can hear is that thumping in your chest.

“(y/n). you dare talk to me crazy after how stressed i’ve been…” she chuckles, running a hand over her face.

“shuri, do you even hear yourself? like do you truly hear yourself? you sound CRAZY. i’m stressing you out even more, by telling you to EAT???” you scream.

“crazy.. i’m crazy?” she asks, more of a statement than a question, really.

“shuri, i never said you were crazy, i sai-” and before you can finish, she speaks again.

“i’m crazy for MOURNING the lost of MY FUCKING BROTHER?” she screams, getting in your face.

she grabs your wrist, not tight enough to hurt you, but enough to pull you closer.

“don’t ever, speak to me like that again.” she says pushing you back as she lets go of your wrist, ordering you out of her lab.

with tears in your eyes, you gladly take your leave.

after befriending riri, you guys grew much closer within her stay in wakanda, she was thankful you were so sweet and understanding of her.

she saw you storm to your shared room with shuri as she was just about to head to the lab.

“WOAH WOAH WOAHHH!” she says stopping you, you take a moment to wipe your tears.

“hey what’s going on..?” she asks softly, walking with you to your room.

you explain everything that just went down in the lab to riri, and she sighs softly.

“look girl, i’m so sorry. i do understand you just wanted to help.. but i guess everyone grieves differently, i think that was her letting out all the steam that she’s been keeping in for so long, you know?” she tries to explain in a way that would help you better understand her feelings and intentions.

“yeah.. yeah. you’re right. i don’t know, i think i should just go on a walk.” you shrug, taking your phone and bag with you.

“you want me to come with you?” riri asks, you shake your head. “no you don’t have to, it’s okay riri.” you give her a genuine smile.

she nods and lets you go.

“ms. (y/n), where are you going?” griot asks.

“just a quick walk, i should be back in around 20 minutes.” you respond back.

as you’re walking around, taking in the wakandan sunset, you see a hooded figure start to walk next you, thinking nothing of it you continue walking until you feel a tug on your arm, and suddenly things go black.

“griot, can you alert (y/n) that i’m on my way up to our room.” shuri murmurs, getting her things together.

“my princess, (y/n) isn’t here, she went to take a walk about an hour ago, when she announced it was only going to take 20 minutes.” griot explains.

“WHAT???!!! and you didn’t tell me???” shuri exclaims

“i tried. you told me not to bother you anymore.” griot says again.

shuri grabbed her things and went to look for okoye.

you woke up in a cave like area, looking around of your surroundings you tried to figure out how the hell you got here…

you were surrounded by blue people wearing masks.. okay. now you were confused.

they all say and watched you, not saying a word.

okay.. now this was weird.

shuri already knew who took you. this was namor’s way of warning shuri, and she wasn’t having it.

she calling nakia for help to get you, knowing you were alone.

it was surprisingly easy for nakia to find you, it didn’t take much nor did it take long.

you laid in this hammock sitting in the cave thinking, ‘this can’t be how i’m gonna die.’ over and over to yourself until you heard yelling from the weird blue people.

you saw nakia and shuri.

“what in bast’s sake were you doing walking around with no protection???” shuri whisper yells to you, pulling you into a hug and checking to make sure you weren’t hurt.

“this is a very cute reunion, but we need to GO, NOW.” nakia says dragging you and shuri along.

on the way to the castle you and shuri are still very silent, not saying a word to each other, nor looking at each other.

when you three get back, nakia gives you guys some space to talk.

“i’m.. i’m sorry, (y/n). there’s no excuse for the way i’ve acted and i’m very sorry for treating you so poorly.. you were just trying to help, and i know that. i’ve just been pushing people away ever since my brother and it’s just.. a lot.” she rambles.

you hold onto her hands in yours, smiling softly at her.

“it’s okay lovely, i understand. you’re just going through a lot and you haven’t had time to let out all that anger and frustration.” you say understandingly, making her pull you in for a hug.

“well, i’m still gonna continue to annoy you, and yell at you about eating, and drinking and sleeping.” you smile into her neck, making her chuckle.

“yeah.. i’m okay with that..” she murmurs, pulling away to kiss your forehead.

[elysianslove]

please for the love of everything holy, give us attack on titan dick headcanons like you did with jjk and haikyuu 🤲🏻🤲🏻

i've been waiting for this one and i love your fics sm,, you're literally one of my fav bloggers ily <33

havsjdd ONE OF MY FAVE SERIES YES,,, i can’t just do all characters so i did the ones i’m most familiar with (aka mains 🤧) if you want others lmk!!

as always, this is purely for fun!! i don’t intend to be crazy realistic :)

other works; haikyuu captains, setters, middle blockers, aces and jujutsu kaisen

ATTACK ON TITAN DICK ANALYSIS

levi ackerman

as much as this hurts, he’s probably barely average. i mean, to be fair, he was extremely malnourished as a child, but i’ll be generous and say he’s 5.2 inches. such a pretty cock :( like it has a dark golden/brown tan to it, with a pink tip. also idk why but something tells me levi has a birthmark on his dick. don’t ask, he just has like this cool, brown splotch right beneath the tip. anyways, it curves up and inwards, i’m so sure. the girth and length are proportional, and he’s relatively veiny!! cute, thick balls too. is being clean shaven a thing in that universe? if it is, consider it done obviously.

eren jaeger

he has a big dick idc. just so hung i cannot. eren dick print is immaculate i will cry. fat cock, 6.8 inches, veiny as fuck. like thick veins you feel them when he’s inside of you. the shaft is just the tiniest bit darker than his skin, and the tip is dark, angry red, especially he’s all hard and wet. doesn’t really curve, to be honest, maybe a little to the right. oh and he has fat balls. heavy balls. breeder balls. he cums and his balls are still so full — insanity. doesn’t shave at all though like it’s so unkempt <//3 likes to shove your face down when you suck him off as if to make a point <//3

armin arlert

omg his dick’s so pretty. like sososo pretty. pale shaft and the cutest pink tip. like it’s kind a pastel pink but then he’s hard and it gets even darker, like a dark pink. it flushes so gorgeous when he’s hard and dripping for you. he’s like 6.3 inches, and it curves at the tip a little. more veiny than you’d imagine actually!!! his balls and tip are extremely, over the top, sensitive suck on them and he’s gone. oof and if you suck and then blow cold air? he might pass out. obviously clean shaven! sometimes he forgets tho but same way he doesn’t care if you are, you don’t care if he is either. nothing screams thoughtful like armin after all.

jean kirstein

HES SO BIG HELP. idk the timeskip.... he screams bde..... horsecock jean..... 7.2 inches bye. literally mouthwatering pretty, just a tan, bronze-ish shaft, prominent veins, dark pink tip that gets all bright when it’s wet. longer than he is thick but he will rearrange your guts absolutely. stick straight, doesn’t curve, isn’t sensitive so he’ll straight up cockwarm you whenever wherever (cockwarm any of your holes which one is available rn shawty). he trims, and there’s the hottest happy trail from beneath his belly button down to his crotch. when he stretches and it shows fhdbdhcjf

connie springer

my boy has an average dick <3 just 5.6 inches, good girth, good length, no curve. actually it’s kinda fat.... kinda.... might be a stretch taking him.... it’s okay he lives between those thighs anyways. pale pink tip that doesn’t darken all that much when hard, golden shaft, prominent veins. he’s clean shaven because he’s scared you’ll leave him if he wasn’t </3 forgot once and had a freak out session the moment he undressed till he realized it wasn’t that big of a deal.

reiner braun

HOLT FUCK PLEASE. HIS DICK IS SO BIG STOP. he’s 7.7 INCHES NO TAKESIES BACKSIES. hole splinter. pussy/bussy destroyer. cervix kisser. tummy bulger. golden shaft and a dark pink tip. literally so veiny. so much girth you cannot. cannot imagine. just size kink with reiner pls. heavy balls that have so much to give, but baby’s so easily sensitive <3 kind of clean shaven? depends on his mood? the time he has? whether you’re 100% for/against it or 50-50, etc.

bertholdt hoover

why do i get the feel, the vibes if you will, that he has such a big dick. like it shocks people when they see it. he’s probably hella long like 7 inches long, listen i cannot explain it he just has a big dick. dark shaft and the deepest red for a tip. not that veiny, but curves nicely to the right. extremely sensitive balls oh my god. will cry if you overstimulate him <3

niccolo

sasha’s so lucky <//3 big dick i know it. 6.7 inches and it’s gorgeous, with a golden tan to the shaft that flushes out to a bright, pale pink tip. when he’s hard it gets a blush pink/red so pretty. kinda veiny, kinda not. like it’s alright! he has amazing orgasm control his dick‘s tip will be purpling but you have to cum a million times before he‘s okay with cumming. trims, so not 100% clean shaven.

porco galliard

such a fat dick. it’s like 5.1 inches but it’s so fat you will cry taking it. the stretch burns oh my god. also he has no concept of prep so please, teach him. mauve/pink-ish tip, just a light tan shaft. it’s kinda flushed all over tbh, darker at the tip, lighter the longer you go along his shaft. curves to the right a little! doesn’t believe in being clean shaven sorry <//3

kenny ackerman

sorry am i allowed to do him? dilf! or gilf? 🤔 idk i just know his dick is huge. massive. 7.5 inches. so big. the tip is such a dark red, the shaft is dark and tan. hella, hella veins. like so much. not clean shaven obviously. im not gonna say anything else i dont wanna taint my dignity even more.

[waydownmikey]

gonna rant here because i’m so upset and no one in my life is really understanding quite where i’m coming from which is okay bc like different lives.

idc if it seems like i’m blowing it out of proportion rn. i’m fucking pissed. i have been a diagnosed epileptic for a little over 2 years now. i am very well aware of why i can’t drive, the conditions i need to meet in order to be able to drive, etc. it’s fucking bewildering to me that at almost SIX FUCKING MONTHS seizure free in the state of nevada where i only have to be three months seizure free to get my driving privileges back, the dmv not only will not allow me to renew a fucking permit/license/form of identification without making my doctor verify the status of my health but they quite frankly don’t have a very firm grasp on what is needed for anyone with a disability to do so and aren’t prepared to let them advocate for themselves.

HOMIE. the state of nevada requires three months with zero seizure activity. i have TWICE THAT. if you wrote “does not affect the ability to drive” on my little paper. why are you now saying you need my neurologist to sign off on my health before you can let me drive. SURE DOES FUCKING LOOK LIKE ITS AFFECTING MY ABILITY TO DRIVE NOW. they sat there and argued with me how long i have to go without a seizure/any abnormal activity like it’s not something i’ve worried about for the last two years. “idk it might be six but i’ll have to call for you” ITS 3 LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TELL YOU ITS 3

i get they have to do that for license endorsements and restrictions but i am so fucking tired of being healthy and having my disability be the one thing stopping me from doing anything.

they made me take the written test anyway while they called supervisors over, wrote all over my paperwork and told me, effectively, after i passed, again, for the millionth time in the last two years- that i was too disabled to do that today but i could come back.

so pardon me MOM if i’m a little angry about that. but i’ve been here a time or two.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #245

“i fell asleep at the wheel again, crashed my car just to feel again.”

What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Obsess over the appropriate amount of eye contact I make. What color is your mp3? Hot pink. Have you ever laid in a hammock? Yeup. Is there a song or lyrics currently super-glued in your head? "Popular Monster" by Falling In Reverse FUCK What can you go a day without doing? Uhhh a lot? I dunno... oh, drink water because I suck at that gah. I've gotten a lot better than I used to be tho. What can’t you go a day without doing? Touching some form of technology. Who do you spend most of your time with? Myself. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. What type of quality is a must-have in a friend? Treat others with kindness. Are you any good at reading someone's body language? I definitely think so. What type of art would you hang up in your room? Lol I have some of my own... but let's say it was a clean slate again. I'd put some macabre/gothic art of some sort up, probably. Of COURSE with meerkats making an appearance. What fruit is too sweet to you? Hm, I'm blanking. What was the last contest you have ever won: Uhhhh... I think the giveaway of two Silent Hill: Revelation things? That was forever ago. What was the worst hair cut you have ever had in your entire life: Looking back, the haircut I had before this one (short on the left, faded into still rather long on the right) I don't really like anymore. Looks fine in some pictures, but not most. What was the worst thing you have ever worn in your life: Oh I don't know. Probably some dance costume. Do you like any sort of animes: Yeah, a handful. I'd honestly like to watch more. Have you ever used someone for your own benefits: I don't think so. What is the worst cartoon you have ever seen: Oh boy, idk. There's some dumb ones, a lot that I've only seen peeks of. Do you like to type or write more: TYPE. Writing physically can easily make my carpal tunnel act up. I hated having to hand-write a few essays last semester... I had to stop frequently to roll my wrists and cringe and stuff. What color would you have your skin if you could change it: I'd like pale skin like I have, but I wish it was more flawless/porcelain-ish. SOOOOOO pretty ahahhhhhhhhahhhhhh Do you usually cook your own meals, or does someone cook for you: I usually have to throw something together in the microwave because Mom's barely home, but when she is home, she cooks. If someone cooks for you, do you always thank them for it: YES. YES. NOT SAYING ANYTHING IS SO FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL. What do you do during the day: Almost without question, SOMEthing on technology/usually computer. As for what I do on technology, boy, a lot a lot. I don't even feel like listing it all. When you are online what do you normally find yourself doing: ... Oh, lmao. Uhhh binging YouTube, writing on or just checking up on KM, dA browsing/cleaning my drowning inbox, Facebook, "working" at the SH and SotC wikis, playing games, roaming Tumblr, check my emails, uhhhhhhh,,,, What is the most hated item you own: I wouldn't... keep it if I hated it? Uhhhh yeah, I honestly don't know. What is your favorite item you own out of all the items you have: My iPod, really. I have over 1k songs on this old-ass nano that I've had since middle school. I guess my laptop is kinda tied, but idk. Like, I don't love this laptop itself, just that it allows me to go online at a decent speed lmao. I guess they're my favorites in different ways. So, do you think that you will get where you want in life currently: Not stopping pushing for it 'til I get it. Why is that so. May I ask: I'm "too" determined. It's been a struggle getting to even where I am, but FUCK, I'm getting there. Do you like Halloween: I can't fwu if you don't. Has a teacher ever flirted with you? Not to my recollection. Is it okay for friends to kiss each other, as friends? Personally, I think a simple peck is fine IF that's your thing and it's mutually understood that it's platonic. Ex., I know greeting kisses are normal in some cultures, and I see no reason to shame it so long you're not like making out. Is it okay for girls to hit boys? Fuck no. Unless you're like fighting off an assailant/defending yourself, NO gender hits ANYONE. Do you know a lot of attractive boys personally? I've never thought about it? I'm not gonna dig through all the people I know rn... What happens if you realized you had a crush on somebody? More than anything, I'd be scared of being hurt again, particularly if it's a guy. So I definitely wouldn't make the first move. Do you think you are attractive? No. Which two of your friends would have the cutest baby together? I don't know. How do you feel about your naked body? DON'T COME AT ME WITH THIS QUESTION GO AWAY Have you ever been called obnoxious? No. At least, not to my memory. Do you wish you had a bigger family? No, but a more close-knit one. Which friend would you kiss full on the mouth, no questions asked? Sara. If somebody smacks your butt, you automatically say: I wouldn't say shit, I'd turn around and smack them across the face. How often does your family life conflict with your social life? Pretty much never. Have you ever been emotionally abused? No, thankfully. Do small children like you? They seem to, I guess. If karma is really true, should you be worried? Not very. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? None. Do you have anything hidden in your room? Yeah, some saved money. What do you wish you were doing right now instead of this? It'd be great to talk to Sara. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital? Oh I'm going to the fucking hospital for that epidural fren. If I even wanted kids. What was the last thing you ordered online? Uhhh good question. Have you ever had a bad experience with anti-depressants? If so, what? Well, actually the entire time I was ON anti-depressants. Because I'm bipolar, anti-depressants actually ramp up the aggression of bipolarity symptoms. How, I don't recall the science of, but I trust every word that comes out of my psychiatrist's mouth for many reasons. That definitely happened. One also made me gain weight, and the worst instance was in middle school when I was briefly on one that made me SO fucking hyper and happy in the morning but I crashed into an absolute bitchy monster by mid-afternoon. Now a combination of mood stabilizers helps both my bipolarity and depression immensely and are the main reason I'm alive. Are you allergic to any plants? I mean, I'm allergic to pollen. Are you an outdoors person? If the weather is cool, I love it. Does your past bother you? Some parts of it. Do you take risks or play it safe? I tend to play it safe. What forms of art do you like the best? This is an absolutely impossible question. "Art" has such an incredible range of forms, and I enjoy like... all. I guess the one thing I don't particularly care for is abstract art. What forms of art do you want to try? HYPERREALISM IN DRAWING. I REALLY wanna be able to draw/paint/whatever and make it look so true to life, BUT I'd like to add fantasy aspects to what I'm making (for example, my characters). I'd love to do portraits, too. This isn't really a "type" of art, but one thing I desperately want in art is to actually develop my own recognizable style that isn't just a wobbly attempt at realism with shitty proportions. What’s your favorite planet? Saturn's dope. Has a medication ever made you itch? No. What’s your favorite rainy day activity? Cuddle with snacks and like binge a good TV show/YT videos, etc. BUT considering I'm single I'ma just take a nap if I'm actually tired and you can hear the rain on the window. Do you put creamer in your tea? I wonder how many times I'll tell surveys I hate tea lmao by the end of my life lmao. What do you think are some good names for twins? I don't care enough to think about this. What are three things that fascinate you? Animal behavior (particularly social), the paranormal, and genetics. Would you say you live more in the past, present, or future? Present, I think. Have you ever been a victim of a crime? Not me personally, no, but my family. We had our basketball hoop stolen from our front yard and I was mega tilted yo. Does injustice make you angry? More like it infuriates me. Do you have the bad habit of procrastinating? Very badly. Are you afraid of running into a certain person in public? I both am and am not afraid of running into Jason. I have a very strong feeling I'd start having a PTSD episode (by that I mean hyperventilating, crying a bit, and shaking at the very least), but simultaneously I just want him to know I'm sorry. Do you have anyone you avoid? No. Do you have the same dreams now that you did as a kid? No. Who’s your crush? I don't really know if I have one right now. My old friend Ian and I started talking, and he's a fucking hilarious dude with similar ethics to mine with great compassion, but I still don't know him well enough to say I like-like him. I'm honestly just happy to have an irl friend again that actually talks to me regularly. Do you trust the government? I believe in WAY too many conspiracy theories to even try to convince anyone I trust the government lmao. Who do you want to meet in Heaven? I don't know exactly what sort of afterlife I believe in (it's not the traditional Heaven though), but I do believe that souls can reunite. The first thing I want to see again is Teddy. Does your school take sports too seriously? Considering we're well-respected in the sports field to the degree we draw in a huge number of foreign athletes, guess you could say yes lmao. Most of the people I even slightly know here came for sports. If there are bruises on your body, how did you get them? There aren’t. Would you ever go back in time to do something over again, but differently? Yes. Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? The airport. Have you thought about your wedding in detail? Not great detail, no. Do you think you could ever really kill someone? In self-defense, I know I could. Do you like Papa John’s pizza? I couldn't even guess the last time I had it. I don't remember. Do you attend school? Yeah. Do you call it a crush, or do you just say you like someone? The latter. Where were you when the ball dropped? In my bed asleep lmao. Where are your siblings? Probably all at work. Waffles, pancakes, or french toast? French toast. Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not? Not really, but I WILL wonder to myself if you believe in some of the bullshit just about every religion has somewhere. Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think? YUP YUP YUP! Mainly irl tho. Have you ever painted your nails on only one hand, forgetting about the other one or getting side-tracked? No. Have you ever gone to one of those parties where everyone is falling around drunk everywhere? No. Been to one where everyone was high, though. Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between? I'd hope the good guy. Do you ever erase the numbers off of surveys just because they annoy you? Ha ha yeah. Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now? Yes. Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Yes, all but one. What do you hear right now? "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Proud as fuck because this song was a MASSIVE PTSD trigger at first and even made me cry, but despite it still making me kinda uncomfortable, I can listen to and enjoy it now. If an ex said they hated you, what would you say? The only three people whose opinions would matter there would be Sara, Girt, and Jason. Sara and Jason would fucking break me, while I think Girt would of course make me cry, but I just. Wouldn't be surprised to lose another irl friend. I'd be so fucking hurt by any. OH YEAH, what would I say? I think Sara would have me speechless. I'd probably just choke out, "I don't blame you," to Jason. Girt, my first instinct pondering this was "are you serious?" because he's such a joker while my stomach dropped. What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her, but still feel kinda sad that it wasn't me. What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead? If I like the person, I feel very comforted. It like... makes me feel small, safe, and permitted to just let my emotions loose, ex. be "allowed" to cry. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check my phone to see the time. Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? I don't want to answer this. Do the math. Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. Do you brush your teeth right away when you wake up? No. Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? Yeah. Would you date someone three years older than you? Yeah. Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? Actually as of recently, the morning. It's a nice way to start the day clean and energized. Could you handle living with the last person you texted? I'd love to live with her. Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment? It was assigned, but I loved it. Have you accomplished any goals you set for yourself this year so far? Not really? Well no, I think I'm being a less procrastinating student and also not fleeing so quickly from situations that invoke my anxiety. Are there still movie rental stores where you live or have they all gone out of business? SOBS Blockbuster come BACK we NEED u. What was the last thing to annoy you or make you upset? Eh, it was stupid and something that realistically isn't worth being annoyed by. I was SUPER bored and tired yesterday waiting for Mom to finish her field work while I waited in the library after classes, and I was so ready to go home, but she stayed longer than she thought she would. Do you think you would be a good match for your celebrity crush/es assuming you have one? Why? If you don’t have one, who was the last person you saw that you found attractive? Actually, not really. He's way too motivated and drawn to people who push forward and get shit done, and just in general at least from how I "know" him as a fan I could only realistically see us as friends. But a fangirl can dream ok just let me dream. When looking for something to watch on TV do you tend to pick shows you know you like, or try new shows that look interesting even though you’ve never heard of them before? I'll answer hypothetically if I watched TV: probably something I know I like. Might get adventurous every now and again and try something new, though, especially if it's on a channel I like. How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed? I haven't had to. I juuuuust slightly have enough room where I DID have them grow in. Where was the last job application you filled out sent to? Uhhh probably the deli, which I got and lasted for two hours my first work day lmao. Have you ever been fired from a job? No. What do people tell you your voice sounds like? I dunno, kinda deep for a girl and lacking an accent most of the time. What financial class are you? Lower. What poster is hanging closest to you? A huge Nightmare Before Christmas one. Are you more comfortable with men or women? Women. Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? Maybe if Ian did? Idk. It'd be a nice way to get to know more about each other, but I'd only agree to it after we talked a bit longer. Does your family keep tons of leftovers in the fridge? Not "a ton." Things we'll eat again though, yes. Favorite FRIENDS character? That is, if you like it. I haven't watched it. Are you thinking of getting another piercing? Where? Hell yes. Pretty sure next is collarbones if I could just lose a little bit more weight so they're more visible. Do you love when people remember little things about you? YES OMG!!!!!!!!!! Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze? Yes, I just think it's common good manner. Even though the reasoning behind it is whatever, it's a societal thing that I just go along with. How many phones have you gone through? Idk, not too many. Have you always lived in the house you currently reside in? No.

[thevalleyoftriumph]

someone asked Duckie this but I personally would like a second opinion from someone whos equally into the fandom as they are. Is ponythe-ytgem a bad person?

im gonna answer this similarly to duckie [also duckie if u see this hi bro hope ur havin a nice day] and also under a cut cos i can ramble a lot

while the term “bad person” is a suggective term that can have very different meanings depending on who you ask, im just going to assume you mean “just a generaly dislikable person for any reason in particular” as most often do

tl:dr, i dont think shes a bad person, per say, and am cutting her a lot of slack due to being young, but i do think she should express her opinions differently and should also get new friends because wow that crowd is so toxic i need a hazmat suit to get close to it.

ok onto the longer portion.

hold on im cold lemme get a blanket

ok there we go back on topic

i dont really know much abt her aside from what i saw from an incident a while back, plus some other things i saw floating around my dash via word of mouth and some longass game of telephone with my own occasional check at her blog. her most major thing seems to have been some encounter with kiingcorrobo [i genuinely cant remember how the blog is spelled so im sorry :pensive:] and her thing abt seamoon. lets talk about seamoon first, then well talk abt the other stuff.

anyway while im personally a little more biased to dislike her [she did apologize for what she did however so ill try not to let this cloud my judgement overall] and because shes a minor like i am [and if i remember correctly around my age? maybe older but im unsure and i dont feel like goin to her blog rn] im not going to be as harsh as i usually would be when dealing with just some random person on the internet whos an adult. because children wouldnt know better either way.

anyway i do personally believe that her opinions abt seamoon are valid but she could possibly go a better way about it.

her whole issue with seamoon is. fine. i get it, you dislike a ship due to personal reasons, you dont owe anyone an explanation aside from “i just dont like it” and as long as youre not a dick over it, i dont see the issue.

i do think she could go about it differently [she once said there was no proof? i think? dont quote me on that my memory is bad] and that it could just be “ohh a best friend stare” despite how heavily its hinted at [i remember that one a lot better cos it got me a little miffed ngl] and like. ok. fine. just acknowledge that its very strongly hinted at and then go on your way, you dont need to insist its not real.

HOWEVER. 

i have repeatedly seen people get angry and violent with her over this. yes, she definately could have gone about expressing her opinions better. yes, she shouldnt disreguard any sort of wlw rep or coding because she doesnt like it for whatever reason. ill admit that much.

but that does not, ever, at all, make it okay for people to have treated her, a CHILD, presumably, the way they have.

people are entitled to their own opinions as long as it isnt harming anyone! and if someones opinions seem a little off, you dont immediately attack them, especially if theyre someone thats young and probably dont know the full extent of what theyre thinking. you tell them what theyre doing and why its wrong or just iffy in general, and help them grow from that. we are human, humans naturally grow to better themselves when given the chance, and if theyre never given a chance to grow from the past, then they cant ever grow up. if you want her to grow up, then give her a fucking chance. 

now. lets talk abt the kiingcorobo thing.

from what i know; someone told kiingcorobo that she supported whitewashing and was homophobic, i believe.

now, im not a person of color so i am not really inclined to talk abt whitewashing, all i can say is that its terrible and fuck anyone who does it, like honestly if you whitewash u have. no rights.

so i cant talk abt this topic much aside from; whitewashing is terrible, dont do it, but i personally have no idea when she [pony] mentioned it at all and honestly im not too willing to go searching thru her blog fo hm. actually no im pretty hung up on this brb

ok no she hasnt mentioned it as far as i can tell. so im unsure on those claims and im more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, being a minor and all, and while minors are not autmoatically excused from doin bad shit that just means they still have a chance to better grow from that, so. yea.

anyway onto the topic im actually able to talk abt. the homophobic comment.

lgbt people can be homophobic! wow! doesnt matter if its internalized or youre just genuinely an asshole, lgbt ppl can in fact be homophobic. bi/pan ppl, gay ppl, trans ppl, no one group of the community is completely pure from that. thats just a fact.

however, due to the issues shes had in the past with the seamoon thing, i do think ppl are just taking that as her one defining personality trait. theyre probably seeing that n twisting it wayyy outta proportion.

thats my general thoughts on her and wow this is way longer than i had originally hoped and this reads more as an analysis of her as a person rather than my general thoughts but. eh what can you do.

oh but i do think she could get better friends lmao, shes in such a toxic crowd and for someone so young i feel genuinely so bad for her. 

[polygon-streams]

May 2nd 2019- Donk Souls

Summary: Pat plays Dark Souls again with our lovable protagonist, Magnum Kong Jr. New environments and monster types are explored (and some cool hats)!

Pat starts in and makes a face at the camera. Eyes wide, staring in glee, the game boots up

Pat acknowledges new subs, mocked the “Hey boy!” clip as it played

Snorkel_the_Dolphin is a rare game historian on twitter, subbed to Pat

Since MK was finished last stream, we’re doing Donk Souls for this stream

Typically saves parts ahead of where we were last stream, so that he has played that part of the game before stream; didn’t this time

Boots on music: Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze soundtrack

I forgot what the character looked like until he panned back to the game lmaoooo

Recap: we are on the road of sacrifices, w nasty lil bird freaks in it (they sprout from the ground and show one of their wings)

“Luckily, we have the biggest fucking hammer in the world to hit them with” (It’s actually a mace)

Pat thinks he’s gonna switch his primary weapons to be a sword and the big hammer

Pat appreciates whistling, especially w vibrato

Brushy is very good at whistling, so can Faith. Pat asks which one can whistle deeper, then tries to whistle deeply. Deepest whistle is throat singing, in Pat’s opinion

Fun fact: Pat used to be able to throat sing, but won’t on stream bc it’s very loud and he thinks he can’t anymore (I don’t care if he can) (I want to see a throat-singing Pat)

Loves the bird-people noises coming from in-the-game

Pat games over: “I got sloppy”

Pat talks about the “Thank you Sonic for 200” tweet (i don’t know what that is). People upset about bad appearance of Sonic, but Pat doesn’t think it’s gonna make a difference bc the script will still be bad. Would be more angry if your perfect image of Sonic is put in a terrible movie

Got over for uncanny valley for Pikachu bc the script seems fine, and proportions are still the same, just moved to a different format

Asks brushy if he’s allowed to have a fursona. Pat thinks he has a bird-sona. A crow or a tired dog. Maybe a borzoi, but doesn’t think he’s elegant enough

Hot take: borzoi’s are the dumbest dogs. Pat loves this

Dipped for a bit here

Doesn’t like rowdy DK music. “This is stressing me tf out”. Sets the music to be more chill. Appreciates pan flute of new song

Talks about spaghetti tech. Proper way to eat spaghetti involves swirling spaghetti between a fork and a spoon. Makes it more convenient, so that spaget doesn’t slide off. Pat has never had rare spaghetti, but has had al dente penne. Al dente spaghetti sounds hard bc hard to wrap around fork

Got a new hat, but dirty af

Finds new crab boss. “Crab hit hard!” Pat loses 1st time, but wins and gets swamp ring

Had to leave for a bit here

Someone got the voice actor for snake to say that “pee is stored in the balls” in his solid snake voice. Pat approves this, so that actor can make the most of the voice

Destroys a man’s book collection because he wouldn’t come back to his camp because he was “too stupid”. Then comes back to kill him.

“I would never put on a ring to make me smart. Magnum jr. would never do that”

The music in this part of the stream slaps in particular

“Cool hat logan”

Mentions how it started to rain outside and how it’s nice to be comfy inside!

Drinkin’ a real piece of shit beer here tonight

“It’s not a bud light it's a budweiser, bud heavy”

Mentions how here’s never had coke and pepsi together before but wants to and probably will soon, perhaps on stream

Goes to fight crystal sage (a boss he hasn’t beaten yet)

Only coke he enjoys is mexican coke rn (which is arguably the best)

Someone knocks on his door so he goes to see who it is, causing chat to go piss crazy

Comes back and says “what did you do faith” she said she drinks grinch soda, or groda, causing her to get timed out

Looks for good armor but refuses to wear one because the ass. is. not. open.

“Let’s go fight a bowass”

The music then turns to what i can only describe as what a classy clown would listen to. Still slaps tho

Has a boss fight that looks like a big ol whack a mole fight with the crystal sage

Makes a small mistake and dies “I got so stupid”

“This time we’ll just be 5% less stupid and 100% more victorious”

Mocks the boss enemies in a new york accent “ya think you’re better than me? Just cuz you know how to read some magical runes you think you’re better than me?”

Makes the sub “yee” noise when he gained a new sub

Watched The Matrix last night and said it held up and was still a good movie

Defeats the boss and sets a bonfire

Mentions how he loves keanu reeves and how he's essentially just doing what he wants

Also mentions how he already got tickets for the new John Wick movie

Says they did a really good job making it seem like a violent, horrible experience to wake up from being in the matrix.

Says he doesn’t really know which way he’s going and he’s just going!

“Hey who’s that?” as he jumps down from a cliff to attack an enemy

“I got the knives in my back, fake friends”

“I know they’re fake friends because real friends would stab me in the front” pat,,,no

Gives an update to his bathroom and says workers are still working and are isolating the ceiling problem and he hopes it’ll be over soon

He really did “hewwo” to us huh

Thanks dark souls for giving a good level design in a fight “love it, yes, excellent, perfect”

Sighs and says you can not pet the dog

Moves to a shield to help in fighting

Chat spams donuts

Memeshart begs for pat to go in a building, but Pat’s just gonna keep exploring

Finally goes into building after exploring

I have to do something urgent right now!

Character says “Redayy be careful”; Pat mocks it (I dunno what he actually said, that’s just what it sounded like)

He goes to level up Magnum jr., and buy stuff he couldn’t buy previously. Bought a really big hat that was totally worth it. Unfortunately, it covers up Magnum Jr’s face. Realizes he can’t level up yet bc he has more souls to burn

Pat admits he has not had a lot of Japanese soft drinks, largely bc people probably don’t bring them overseas much

Finds himself in a Dark Souls treasure nook, w red water. “Is this the blood-loss water?”

Pat got worms!! But the worms don’t want the fire Pat was gonna use them for. Needs to switch the torch w the worms. He also got bees

Pat recites the Bugs sound button as it plays

Gonna wrap up soon bc Thomas is live and we’re gonna raid him

Pat got two Christmas Lizards in game

Goes to fight a giant ice lizard boss, not knowing what he’s doing. Regrets this decision and leaves

Brushy got spaghetti, possibly related to earlier convos in the stream

Pat likes the gross-out art in Dark Souls. Likes that it’s a Japanese developing team taking a Western take that look diff from other Western games

Finished his wrap-around of the area, and decides to cut the stream, but will resume DS on the weekend!!

End of stream!

[upslapmeal]

So on Monday I went to Rachel Bloom’s concert in London which was honestly so much fun, and I said I’d make a post about it so here are the Hot Deets™

Rachel talked between songs, a significant proportion of which was done in an accent that would make Dick Van Dyke proud, and I’m not going to be able to remember everything so I’ve made a list of the songs (minus whichever ones I’ve inevitably forgotten) in (roughly) the order they were performed and I’ll just mention any notable things I remember. Oh and it was 6 years ago to the day that Rachel and Aline first met!

Period Sex

a strong opener, of course

she changed macys.com to primark and everyone lost their minds

‘primark sounds like a brand of pregnancy test’

Oh My God I Think I Like You

‘that was barely a song, we wrote that in about 20 minutes so here’s an actual song’

We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now

this was based, naturally, on Rachel and Adam Schlesinger’s electric chemistry

I’m A Good Person

she preceded this with a hilarious story about how when she and her husband were in London for the first time, she got him to watch Mary Poppins which he hadn’t seen before, and all he took away was that Mary Poppins spent the film gaslighting two children

‘the way they talk about it being real after all in Mary Poppins Returns is EXACTLY how people talk about repressed memories of that time uncle Bobby had a little too much to drink’

this had the seamless link to the song of her saying that she may have ruined our childhoods but she had something to tell us, except she misread the planned song order so the band started playing........not I’m A Good Person

♫ say it, tell me I’m a good person wait no not yet I have a whole bit I wanted to do ok say it or I won’t stop making fun of your accent: ‘I’m from the north’ ‘I’m from the south’ ‘and I’m from the fucking SEEEAAAAAAA!’ ♫

Feeling Kinda Naughty

Sexy French Depression

‘this is a song about Europe, which you may not be part of any more?’

I was going to stick a video of the story she told beforehand here but I can’t work out how to without uploading it to youtube

but basically it was the story of her husband trying to get takeaway soup from a restaurant in Paris that refused to give him takeaway

..........it was funnier than that sounds

Friendtopia

they bought on two audience members to sing the Heather/Valencia parts and Kat Burns taught them the dance!

Kat was a sweetheart and checked we all understood what y’all meant

we got her ‘have a good show!’ before they started the song

We Tapped That Ass

Adam and Ethan Eubanks (the drummer) sang this while Rachel and Kat danced

Rachel, sitting on stage putting on her tap shoes while everyone else waits: ‘you know I really should have worked this into the act’

then at the end she got Kat to help her with a bit she messed up during the song until she got it right 

What’ll It Be

unlike putting her shoes on, taking her shoes off was worked into the act in the form of Adam singing this

it was the first of several times the audience all shone/waved our phone torches

It Was A Shit Show

full video of this here

‘if anyone wants to sing this to someone tonight then go for it, you know they’re not the one’

The Math Of Love Triangles

Pete Gardner and Scott Michael Foster appeared to sing the professors’ parts and the audience lost it, all the people I could hear near me clearly had no idea they would be there and it was the first song to get a standing ovation

Jazz Fever

if there was just one of Rachel’s pre-CXG songs I wanted her to perform then it would have been this so I was delighted

I Love My Daughter

Let’s Have Intercourse

sung by Scott ‘I may have drunk too much last night so can you all sing the high notes for me bc there is physically no way I can hit them rn’ Foster

at the end he put a condom on one of Rachel’s fingers and she gave it to someone in the audience

except apparently it was drenched in lube which was then all over Rachel’s hands, making getting the mike off the stand for the next song trickier than it should have been

‘it turns out that lube makes a great cuticle cream’

A Diagnosis

Gettin’ Bi

the bi flag flown high was, in fact, a union jack

Scott was (not played, was) the saxophone solo

I Go To The Zoo

either they got the volume wrong at the start or they wanted it to feel like we were in an actual club but it was so loud at the beginning you couldn’t even hear Scott sing

Rachel and Kat were the animals, Pete was Ron and not-Susan

Fuckton Of Cats

Sports Analogies

Pete sang (mostly - there were definitely a couple of lines that should have had words but came out badadabumdapdaadaa) the Josh lines

naturally they added a final line about how football isn’t soccer

The Darkness

another time the audience all shone/waved our phone torches, apparently the first time that had happened for a performance of this song

‘singing about the darkness to an audience that’s literally giving me light is pretty fucking moving’

Ray Bradbury/Stacy’s Mom Mashup

I knew they’d performed Stacy’s Mom at some of the other concerts they’ve done but it wasn’t until this concert that I made the connection with Adam Schlesinger

this was the ‘‘‘‘last song’’’

‘I need to tell them there will be an encore, Adam! IF I DIDN’T THEY MIGHT LEAVE’

You Stupid Bitch

all the little side comments in this song work so well with it being an actual song performed live to an audience

we did know this one! we did sing with her!!

honestly what better way to close the show

Towards the end Rachel, Kat, Pete and Scott posed for photos based on themes suggested by the audience - zoo, horny angry tango, and group hug:

And that’s about it! Afterwards everyone except Rachel (at least while I was there) popped out to spend a bit of time at the stage door but the group I was with was too far back in the queue to say hi. I did, however, get my Broom Darryl pin passed up the queue to Pete when he came out so he got that and put it on his hat. But the whole thing was just such a Good Time, 10/10 would recommend if Rachel Bloom performs anywhere near you. Or even not that near, I can confirm that it’s worth the flight.

[vldrocketeer]

Okay so here's the rundown of my life rn. My mother moved to that trailer in the trailer park that my aunt and uncle live in. As I don't have the finances to live on my own (that inn I mentioned had no openings and there is nowhere else that is affordable), I was forced to move with my mother. Unfortunately, this trailer park is in the middle of fucking nowhere. It's like an hour's walk to the nearest place of business and we are surrounded by mountains. (1/9)

Anyway, my mother apparently told my aunt and uncle everything that happened between her and my friend -- or, at least, HER side of the story. Because it was her side of the story, my aunt and uncle more than likely got a distilled version of what actually happened and now believe that my best friend is a conniving bitch. Also, it turns out my uncle -- who was the maintenence man for the trailer park -- was promoted to trailer park manager. (2/9)

As he now hates my friend with all the burning fires of Hell, she is banned from entering the property. Now, this area gets raccoons, javelinas, coyotes, and sometimes bears. As an adult, I of course will not always be home before dark. Yet my friend is expected to park at the entrance of the park and no further, even if it's nighttime, while I walk home and possibly get attacked by wildlife. This is bullshit. What really set him and my mother off were the last few texts my friend sent. (3/9)

Here's the thing: I read those texts before she sent them and approved of her sending them because they were calm and respectful -- I say approved because of the fact that I still lived with my mother at the time and I didn't want to rock the boat too much. And yet, those texts pissed her and my uncle off, to the point to where my uncle hates my friend. Meanwhile, my mother refuses to talk about WHY her and my uncle are so pissed off. (4/9)

She says that my friend will instantly take her explanation the wrong way, blow it out of proportion, and refuse to listen to her side of the story. Except that's exactly what my mother does and has done MY ENTIRE LIFE, EVEN TO ME. My friend is actually the more willing to listen of the two and manages to keep her cool most of the time, while my mom loses her temper easily. Case and point: I told my mother that my friend doesn't do those things and (5/9)

instantly she told me that she wants me to drop the subject because her blood was already starting to boil. I had not expressed my opinion on the whole matter until then, yet the moment I do (in a calm, civil manner), it pisses her off immediately. My aunt and uncle aren't angry and don't hate me for continuing to be friends with my best friend, but they don't understand why I'm still friends with her and believe that I'm handling the whole situation the wrong way (6/9)

by moving out to be roommates with my friend because I should stay with my mother (just to reiterate; I'm 25+). Also, can I just compare how compassionate my friend is compared to my mother? Last night -- my first night at the new place -- we couldn't find my cat ANYWHERE. As we searched and searched and searched and came up empty, I began to panic extensively because I was terrified she had managed to get out and would be killed by the wildlife, (7/9)

and -- as I was texting my friend to keep her updated because she loves the shit out of my cat -- my friend realized how much I was panicking and getting anxious. And what did she do? Barely even responded to my texts before hopping in her car to come out to see me and make sure I was okay, even though she had less than half a tank of gas and my place is far from hers. And what did my mom do over the situation of my missing cat? (8/9)

She tells me, "Well, if she got out, she's gone for good. Better get yourself used to it." AS I AM PANICKING AND GOING INTO AN ANXIETY ATTACK (note: I have both anxiety and depression). And she didn't even say it nicely, she practically snapped it at me. On top of all of this? I have laryngitis. My holidays have been shit this year. -- bi mess (9/9)

GOD, I am so sorry. 

I’m glad you recognize that your family is being toxic, and that your friend is being the rational one. I just wish you didn’t have to be with your family.

When can you move out?

[womenofultron-blog]

Finding A Bathing Suit with Size DDD Cup

Let me tell you the travesty that my stepmom and I have been going through. I just finally found a top that fit, and we’re checking out rn.

Disclaimer: it is not early in the season, so I did make that mistake, that’s on me. but being the amount of selection for even someone with the size DD cup, this shouldn’t be as big of a problem as it has been.

So here’s the lowdown on my sizes:

- im pretty thin, but not really, and 5’7

- usually a size 34DDD/E bra cup

- size medium to large in tops

- just for the hell of mental proportions, i’m also usually 14-16 in pants.

Now that you know me well, let me TELL YOU.

So I had bought two sizes of a bikini top and bottoms from Land’s End. It had been a struggle to even find these, as it seems no one carries a bikini top in my size that isn’t a) solid black, or b) blue, usually with an unappealing pattern. They arrived in the mail, and the bottoms worked, but neither the M or L sized tops worked (big surprise that many bikinis come in letter sizes, not cup sizes or even number sizes). I went back online to order an XL, and great news™! they no longer have any size but M. so we’ll be returning those tops and giving up on them.

today, my stepmom took me to our local Rich People mall to try to find a new top. preferably, we wanted to find one that matched the bottoms i ordered, but we weren’t gonna be picky or anything.

here’s my list of must-haves:

- must actually fit

- preferably be something i actually want to wear

- can’t be a halter top (two straps tied around the neck), bc then i’m carrying all the weight of my chest in my already busted neck

- should have underwire, support is mandatory when you got big boobs

this is not an extensive list. take note of literally how bare minimum i’m hoping for.

so we walk-in around 3pm. showtime. here’s the list of every store we visited within three hours:

- Nordstrom (sales clerks knew immediately they had nothing for me)

- Tommy Bahama (^)

- Everything But Water (legit two tops. could you guess what colors? yep: black and blue. and neither fit.)

- Athleta (again, sales clerks knew off the spot they had nothing for me)

- Victoria Secret (none in store, only online, which i don’t have time for since ill be on vacation next week)

- Vineyard Vines (sales clerks LITERALLY said one of them wears the XL bikini and feels like she’s spilling out, and she’s a C cup. so, nope)

- JCPenny’s (a single top kinda fit, but stitching was all hanging out, then when i tried the identical one in XL, the strap broke right off. i don’t trust its not gonna do that to me too.)

- Macy’s (two tops worked, and they were by the same brand and had similar print, so i’m thinking they were legit just identical tops, so i just went with one of them. and even better, it magically matched the bottoms that i bought online! 🎉🎉)

thanks to calvin kline, the true mvp, for actually giving a shit about my size. did not expect that from an underwear brand.

you know what kind of bullshit this was?? do you fully comprehend how tired i am? this was the ONE DAY i was saying “fuck it” and wore my nice sandals, because i didn’t think i’d have to walk so much today. i’ve learned my lesson, my feet have sores all over. never parting from my sneakers ever again.

and thank fucking god that we could afford these pricey brands! my stepmom had no problem paying for whatever we could find. but if we couldn’t, i can’t imagine i would’ve found anything of good quality that fit me.

i’m so done with this experience. so many times i’ve considered getting surgery to reduce the size of my boobs because they’re such a burden in my life. but that’s a whole discussion for another time. all i ask is that y’all are aware of the shit we put up with (nevermind all the people who are like “noo you don’t realize how lucky you are!! i’ve always wanted bigger boobs” like misogyny hurts us both, im no better off because i’ve got a bigger bust size, this isn’t a competition)

TL;DR: i shopped at 9 different stores to find a single swimsuit top that fits me. i found one in my entire mall. salespeople looked at me with pity for asking such a silly request, that clothing would be make to fit my size chest. i’m also done with bullshit excuses as for why i’m somehow in the wrong for being angry about this. fucking advocate for women’s bodies or get out of my face.

[iliterallyhatethis]

Fuck this. Fuck you for putting me in this situation but you don't know you are so that part isn't in my control.

Breathe.

Genuinely she has more at stake here. I hold the power in her opinion, as the person who is annoyed with her.

More likely than not I'm going to have to bring it up. I just need to make sure I frame this right.

I'm not angry or annoyed with her. For our purposes I'm not. (I'm no more annoyed with her than I have been for the last 6 weeks or longer, for us that is the baseline of not annoyed). Me closing my door genuinely I didn't think of it being construed that way. It really is just that im such an introvert and someone that needs focus and quiet to study. So I need my recollection time, and the less I'm able to get it, the more I try to take the opportunity. All weekend I had none so I REALLY need but I'm also just. SO busy. And I like my alone time. Today was a product of me being drained and irritable, and very honestly, more likely to be honestly argumentative than dishonestly agreeable. I'm trying to unlearn that agreeable Ness anyway, it's a survival skill I've had to hone but it's not one I need anymore. But I need to avoid conflict in my house for us to function well, so being able to use that agreeablness is important. It's my nature at this point. We knew that. Yesterday at dinner wasn't me being annoyed with you that was me being stressed the fuck out. Because timing of shit makes me anxious. And making people wait makes me anxious. And not knowing what's happening with plans makes me anxious. That was all Anxiety full stop. Me closing my door, again, is 100% just a personal preference.

I don't need to be annoyed with her right now. She feels like we're fighting I don't also want to feel that way.

She's sort of doing the passive-aggressive thing, but I think it's just that she doesn't know what to do, and like. There's no power imbalance here. It's okay.

If she brings it up I'll address what she says as she brings it up but the main thing is like "?? No im not annoyed at you!! Is this about yesterday bc I know full stop I was being snippy and probably and ass hole. I've been so exhausted and I was stressed all day yesterday and that's not an excuse but I definitely was more irritable and reactive just by virtue of feeling physically and emotionally drained. "

Other stuff often just includes i have a life, that I need alone time and most of my alone time rn is doing homework, and also very genuinely if she asks about me not telling her stuff I think I'm going to have to say just

Sometimes it feels like when someone complains or is mad about something, you overtake their anger and get worked up, and it either feels like it lacks respect for the person who's in the situation and their feelings, or it gets blown out of proportion and refocused onto you as a person, and a way from the issue in its context

I've got examples for both coz shes the type to ask (Annie with madeline, Hannah on the phone in class)

And if I need to say that I will but I. Would prefer not that.

[insecurities-ofthe-secure]

So... I’m admittedly in a little bit of a strange spot rn. Not necessarily a bad one but just... in a weird spot. Maybe it’s the music.

Anyway, but I was thinking about how in the previous post I was angry that I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was super valid because it’s That Time™ and maybe I was blowing things out of proportion but I realized today: it’s a similar reason why I hate having the answer for why I feel some of the things I feel is “I have a mental illness.”

Because I know I didn’t use the word “valid” in my post from yesterday. But at the same time, I realized that’s what it is to me. Me being on my period makes it feel like my emotions for this week are invalid because if I was not on my period, these emotions would not be my reaction. I don’t know how sound my logic is on that or if I’m just being hard on myself but... To experience something in a way that is valid to me is to experience in a way that is constant. Kittens make me happy. Injustice sends me into a rage. Thinking of the past makes me melancholic and indifferent. Thinking of my family situation frustrates me. These are constants. But what this time of the month does is that it questions the consistency of my emotions because I cannot rely on where my emotions are coming from. Are they actually from the thing my mom phrased poorly or is it my hormones? Did that make me upset because it was upsetting or is it because of all of the external factors of the time, hormone imbalances included? I don’t know.

But I just realized that I personally find my mental illness to be in the same boat as my period. It does more than questions the consistency of my emotions, it purposely changes them. Something that doesn’t normally make me sad can make me sad because of my mental illness and because that goes against the consistency of my emotions, it feels like an invalid emotion because I know that I would be responding differently if my mental illness wasn’t interceding. Being sad because of my mental illness is an unsatisfying reason because then my sadness doesn’t feel genuine. Because I’m only sad because of this arbitrary thing in my brain that says I’m going to cry when I pet my cat because somehow that is the tipping point to say that things are Too Much.

I always get mad and frustrated when my mental illness give me a big Fuck You and I think this might be why. Because the things I feel because of my mental illness are from my mental illness and not me and therefore, feel like invalid emotions to me. But I have to treat them as valid when I know that in any other situation, on a typical day, I wouldn’t feel like that. It’s infuriating.

Maybe I need to start considering my mental illnesses as their own constant. Maybe that’s the key to fixing this. I don’t know. Anyway. I just wanted to ramble for a bit.